Weekend Open Thread

ASOS Neon Pink Double Strap WatchSomething on your mind? Chat about it here.

OK, I’m kind of obsessed with neon pink at the moment.  Is it because I had a really, really awesome sweatshirt that said “Washington, DC” in alternating shades of neon pink, yellow and green, which I unwittingly wore to my surprise 16th birthday party?  Hey, who knows.  I do like this neon pink double-strapped watch from ASOS, though — was $35, now marked to $28.  ASOS Neon Pink Double Strap Watch

P.S. In tech news, hooray for the Sprint 4G network — there for me when Time Warner Internet is a complete and utter failure. Grumble.
(L-2)

Comments

  1. Hi ladies,

    Hoping to get some suggestions for bf’s dress shirts. He has a huge neck. Like 17 1/2 around the next is still kind of tight on him. Any suggestions for dress shirts for a person with normal body but really thick neck? Should he be going custom? If so any suggestions in DC that are under or around 100? He doesnt wear them often so one good one would be a good start, I am dragging him to a lot of weddings this year. TIA!

    • lucy stone :

      Has he tried the ones from Lands’ End that have the comfort neck?

    • My SO has a large neck about that size, broad shoulders, smallish waist, and 6’4. He does really well in Hugo Boss dress shirts, 1901 (purchased at Nordstrom) and even BR dress shirts work on him.

      Hope that helps.

    • My husband has similar issues with shirt fit. We started going custom a few years ago, and have never looked back. The shirts fit perfectly, and the options are limitless. Average cost of about $125 for basic—>$175 for fancier ones.

      • Do you go to a tailor for that or a company? Thanks!

        • When we lived in colorado, there was a shop that did the measurements and then sent off to have them made in NY. Store was called Rutledges. I think a number of independent stores around the country use the same system. Now that we’ve moved, I think we’ll use Nordstrom–mostly because its a convenient location. And because I love lounging in the big leather chairs in men’s department there!

    • Has he tried athletic cut or tailored cut shirts? I don’t know about neck size but they are typically for guys with smaller waists/no belly. Might work for him to make up for the large neck size without a ton of fabric at his waist.

    • AgencyCounsel :

      My husband has an 18 inch neck and he likes Jos. A Bank shirts.

    • Oil in Houston :

      I swear by Thomas Pink, they have great choices, based in UK, but I’m sure they ship

    • My brother has a ginormous neck and average/athletic body. His fave shirts are Brooks Brothers and Jos. A Banks.

    • My SO has the opposite problem (thin neck and very long arms – he’s a monkey) and he has had great success with customizing shirts at Charles Tyrwhitt. They seem to have many more options in terms of collar and sleeve lengths than other designers (including collars up to 20″) and you can order the combination that works best for your SO in store or online. This has worked better than the bespoke places he has tried because you can see and try on the patterns and fabrics in store (though they dont stock the weird sizes, you have to order them). Quality is great and though the initial price point is high, they often have sales when my SO will load up.

    • My BF has a large neck & extremely broad shoulders and favors Brooks Brothers. He has a couple of Nordstrom shirts too, but those are hit or miss for him.

    • My SO is the opposite, long, long arms and scrawny, scrawny neck. He gets his shirts custom-made at Brooks Brothers. Pricey, but they last him several years, then he buys a new batch of 10 or so.

    • Alan also had a very FAT neck (to go with his FAT head). When we were dateing, his neck would get the PILLOWs all sweaty and dirty.

      I told him that he HAD to wash his head and FAT NECK before he could Lie down on my bed OR on my couch. He got very angry, b/c I said his neck was fat. It also got very RED in the summer, b/c he has red hair and is fair skined.

      So he covered his NECK in the summer with a towel, and I told him he looked like a FAT Jack La Layne. He then wanted to sleep with me, and I said NO. FOOEY on him. I got the last laff, and now I am looking for a NEW boyfriend. FOOEY on ALAN!

    • I found company in the “dragging him to a lot of weddings”:)

      • Anonymous :

        Custom! My husband has had great experiences with mytailor.com – website for the Hamrajani Bros out of Hong Kong. Shirts starting at $75, but there are many fabrics and pricing based on the fabric selection. Can customize collar, placket, make one wrist slightly larger than the other to allow for a watch, etc…

    • My tiny office neighbor gets his shirts made through moderntailor.com—might be worth a gander. I’ve considered getting shirts made through them myself.

  2. Anyone try that Suave Keratin line? Any good?

    • ChristinaMD :

      Are you interested in the straightening process or the shampoo/conditioner? I was interested in the straightening products and the HORRIBLE reviews on Amazon scared me from even looking at the box cross eyed in Target. They might have reviews of the Shampoo/Conditioner over there too?

  3. Ft. Lauderdale :

    I posted on yesterday’s Coffee Break, but only got one rec (thanks for Yolos!), so I thought I’d try again.

    Husband and I are going to Ft. Lauderdale in late May. I’m wondering if there are any restaurants or sights that we shouldn’t miss?

    • PittsburghAnon :

      You aren’t getting any recs because Ft Lauderdale has very little in the way of good sights or good restaurants. I love the beaches there, but there isn’t much else. Casablanca’s (right on the beach, across the street) is good for a dinner.

      • :) I thought this but didn’t say it. Lauderdale- not for me culturally. Miami I love.

        • PittsburghAnon :

          Tell me what you like to do in Miami – I’m there all the time for work and I need to explore more.

          • Where to begin… visit the spas (the Viceroy has a great one, and the pool area, which you have to walk through to get to the spa, is just so Miami). Walk around the Design District. Eat breakfast or brunch at Gigi’s. Versailles for the standard authentic Cuban food fix. South Beach is its own hot lovely mess. Hang out at the beach, stroll down to see the Art Deco buildings, eat or shop on Lincoln Road in Miami Beach.

    • I use tripadvisor.com for most of my travel research.

    • I live in Broward County and can tell you that there is nothing worthwhile in Ft. Lauderdale. Go to the Galleria Mall, eat at Capital Grille or Seasons 52. If you want to experience South Florida, go to Miami!

    • Agree that there’s more to see & do in MIA (for a certain scene anyway), but FLL should be fun for a relaxing beach vacation. I always use Yelp for restaurant recs and TripAdvisor for hotels, if you don’t already have one. Cuban food is good anywhere in South Florida, so make sure you get your fill of that. My grandmother lives in Delray Beach and I’ve been to some good Cuban places around there but I dont remember the names (and anyway if you’re looking to drive that far for dinner, I assume you’d head to Miami). I went to Ft. Lauderdale with her once, but I think we ate at a Cheesecake Factory, so probably not the kind of recommendation you’re looking for. Yelp should be a big help restaurant-wise though. As far as activities, what sorts of things are you into? If you’re really into active stuff, I’d recommend looking into watersports like sailboat or jet ski rentals. If you like animals, maybe you can do a tour where you can see manatees or nesting sea turtles. If I were going my plan would just be to swim, lie on the beach, read and eat lots of Cuban food. Enjoy your trip!

    • Senior Attorney :

      If you like this sort of thing, you might want to check out Vizcaya Museum in Miami. It’s an Italian-style grand home built right on the water by an American titan of industry around the turn of the last century. Pretty house, pretty gardens. My hubby and I really enjoyed it.

    • Los Olas Blvd. on the river in Ft. Lauderdale is more of an adult party scene than South Beach and there are decent restaurants there. It may be cheesy but I always take out of towners on the Jungle Queen because it offers an nice tour of the breathtaking mansions along the intercoastal and it makes for a relaxing couple of hours. We have a small arts museum, a science museum, a performing arts theater, etc. When I want to go out with my husband, we usually head to the Seminole Hard Rock in Hollywood, just south of Ft. Lauderdale. Very commercial but plenty to do in the way of gambling, dancing, and comedy shows.

    • Check out Market 17 for dinner. Unless you are staying at the Hilton, you’ll likely want to take a cab (it’s in kind of a random location), but my husband and I really enjoyed the food. It focuses on locally sourced ingredients, and the menu was pretty inventive. I also enjoyed my dinner at a sushi place on Los Olas (can’t remember the name).

  4. anon in DC :

    Help! I must have tried dozens of SPF moisturizers throughout the years. I’m currently using Origins Bighter By Nature SPF 35 Skin Tone Correcting Moisturizer. While I like it enough, if I don’t use just the *right* amount, it takes a good two hours for it to soak into my skin.

    I’d like something light yet hydrating with at least an SPF 25 that absorbs quickly. It seems impossible to find a day moisturizer with sunscreen that isn’t somewhat greasy or sticky. The worst had to be Cetaphil SPF lotion, it left a sticky film on my face that I needed to wash off immediately.

    TIA and looking forward to hearing your recommendations.

    • Have you thought about using a powder? Sephora has a couple of great ones.

    • I have a powder that I use, but I don’t find it as comforting as putting on an actual lotion. My primer has SPF 25 or 30 (NARS), and I also use a powder foundation from Bare Minerals (SPF 15 or so) and a powder sunscreen on top of that. Sounds like a lot of stuff but it’s not.

    • Have you tried Neutrogena Healthy Defense SPF 50?

      Or what about separating the two – La Roche Posay makes a high SPF “melt in” lotion that’s amazingly fast-absorbing and then if you feel a bit dry, you can add a light moisturizer on top.

      • AgencyCounsel :

        Ditto on the Neutrogena Heathly Defense SPF 50. I use it daily.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        Strangely, Neutrogena Healthy Defense and I don’t get along. It leaves my face looking very white and never fully absorbs. It works great for my DH though.

    • a passion for fashion :

      i use clinique and like it a lot. superdefense 25 during the day, then just the regular old clinique at night. i think Macy’s is having a gift with purchase now.

      • I used Superdefense and still thought it took too long to soak in. By the way, anon in DC, I could have written your exact post. I went from Clinique to Cetaphil, and I’m not a fan of either. Cetaphil feels more like a sports sunscreen or something. I’m interested to see the responses.

    • I’ve got oily-ish skin and I like Avon Rejuvenate. It has SPF 25 and isn’t too creamy. Avon Ultimate was way too rich for me and left me slick all day

    • AccountingNerd :

      Jan Marini daily antioxidant face protectant. It’s SPF 35 and about $52.00 but lasts 4-6months if you use it every morning. It’s amaaaazing. I have oily skin, and it’s the only moisturizer that doesn’t feel greasy. It makes your skin feel like silk. I never burn when I wear it, even if I spend the day at the beach or pool. My husband even uses it sometimes. I buy it at a salon/spa, and you can look online to see which salons in your area carry it.

      • Second the Jan Marini, and you can buy it at SkinStore dot com. They frequently have 20% off sales/promotions, and I think you can get cashback through either e bates or fat wallet.

    • Image Daily Defense. It’s free of parabens and all the other nasties that can clog your pores, really effective, and a little goes a long way.

    • I swear by Elta MD UV Clear. I also had problems with neutrogena not blending in. I find that with this product I don’t even need a moisturizer and it soaks in very fast.

      http://www.amazon.com/Eltamd-Clear-SPF-48-Gram-1-7/dp/B002MSN3QQ

    • I really like Eucerin SPF 30. Haven’t found it in stores lately, so I get it through Amazon. Light and quick to absorb. Generally my skin acts up on everything, so I was happy to find something that works!

      • just fyi folks with all of these the chemical ingredients break down by mid-morning (not to mention the long-term potential effects of the free radicals)- if yours doesn’t have a physical blocker (zinc/titanium) that lasts til you remove it you aren’t getting much protection. from a person with skin cancer prone issues/past scares who takes this extremely seriously.

    • RussiaRepeat :

      I use Cerave–very gentle and recommended by my dermatologist after Neutrogena started causing a burning feeling when applied after a hot shower.

    • Eucerin 30 spf facial moisturizer. Nice, not sticky, good moisture, applies smoothly. No white tinge (at least in my opinion).

    • petitecocotte26 :

      I’ve been using the Shiseido suncare line since college. The SPF 38 face/body lotion is light and absorbs quickly. If I need more moisturizing (usually only in the winter), I’ll apply a lightweight moisturizer over the sunblock. The 3 oz bottle might be pricey at $35ish, but it usually lasts a good three to four months. Highly recommend.

    • I like Kiehls superfluid. It’s super light, SPF 50 and doesn’t give me breakouts

    • I use Clinique SolarSmart SPF 30. It is a little greasy at first application but if I let it sit for about 10 minutes before putting on makeup it absorbs and isn’t greasy anymore.

    • I wear Philosophy’s Hope in Jar SPF 25. But I highly recommend going to your nearest Sephora and trying out a variety of products for yourself. They have literally hundreds of sunscreen/moisturizer combos, and you can test them on your own skin until you find the one that’s right for you. It’s how I found my beloved face regimen, but you never know what will work for you until you test it.

    • Young Skin Forever :

      Me, too! I’ve tried dozens over the years. I am 45, and when I first started looking for oil-free moisturizers with sunscreen over 15 years ago, hardly anyone made them. As the technology improves, there are more available on the market, but it is still hard to find one that is truly lightweight. Many of those mentioned here are too heavy for me or break me out (Kiehls Superfluid, Cetaphil).

      For the past several years, I have used and loved White Lucent Brightening Protective Emulsion SPF 15. It is very light and feels nice. It does not break me out. And it has both UVB protection (SPF 15) and UVA protection (PA++). The UVA PA++ rating is not in the title or on the bottle, but it is clear on the box and in the package insert.

      I just got a sample of Shiseido Urban Environment Oil-Free UV Protector SPF 42 PA+++. It is not a moisturizer, just a sunscreen. It felt as light and nice in the store as my White Lucent. I am happy that is has more sun protection than my White Lucent: UVB SPF 42 and UVA PA+++. I will start wearing it today for about a week; hope it works for me.

      By the way, I have a list of all the sunscreen active ingredients listed by whether they protect against UVA1 (long), UVA2 (short) or UVB rays. I keep it as a contact in my phone so that when some sales associate starts on a sales pitch about how great a product is, I can ask for a list of the ingredients and analyze it myself. If anyone wants a copy of the list and can tell me how to post it here, I’m happy to do so.

      Sometime this summer (in the US) sunscreen will have to have new labeling that addresses both UVB (SPF) and UVA (the international scale is +, ++ or +++ but the US is using a different scale pegged to SPF that I must admit I don’t really understand yet). Just something to look for.

    • Late to the party, but: Aveeno Active Naturals spf 30. I wear it every single day, face + neck. (Neutrogena has some good tinted sunscreen/moisturizers, too, but I have trouble matching my skin tone with those.)

  5. My local women’s bar association does a great event where they host dinners at a local restaurant with a female judge or another high ranking woman and the first 8 women to sign up get to have a group mentoring dinner with her. I signed up for one in April with a judge and am trying to think of some great questions to ask her. One question I’ve always wanted to ask a judge is how difficult is it for him/her to only consider the admissible evidence when deciding after a bench trial and to not be prejudiced by stuff that would have been excluded if it were a jury trial. I’d also like to know what steps in her career she thought were critical for her becoming a judge. Any others?

    Second part of the question. I’m an extrovert. When I’m nervous I can totally just domineer a conversation and talk and talk and talk. I’ve worked on interrupting less and listening more. It helped me to see other people making my same mistake and realizing I don’t want to do it anymore. This comes out the worst when I’m with a group of strangers and there is awkward silence and everyone else is more introverted. I just feel the need to keep it flowing and so I talk. I’d like to get better at asking other people questions and listening more. Any tips on this? Things to do other than talking when there is silence? Questions that will get others talking that will force me to shut up?

    I am not going to know anyone else at this dinner so I’d like to try to be prepared and not talk non stop. (head nod to the three other Boston ‘rettes that politely listened to me talk non-stop at our January meet up.)

    • Someone suggested this on this site a week or so ago:

      When someone relates their experience, ask three questions before you relate your own experience or tell your own story.

    • I would love to ask a judge what courtroom behavior/litigation style/tactics she finds the most annoying/distracting/unprofessional/unpersuasive and then what doe she find the opposite. What is the number one thing a lawyer can do to gain credibility? I assume it will be something along the lines of be prepared, know your case, blah blah but still.

    • Try waiting a few more seconds before you feel the need to fill the silence. Some people (and this is partly a cultural thing) have a longer “acceptable pause” between the time when one person finishes her sentence, and the time when the next person starts talking. Others (me included) find it more comfortable when the next person to talk just interrupts or talks over the tail end of the previous person’s sentence.

    • I have a friend who talks WAY too much. All of her friends know this and there are even people who just will not go to dinnner with me if she is going to be there because it is difficult to get a word in edgewise, for hours. So, the main thing I would say is Just.Do. Not.Talk. Seriously, keep your discussions very limited.

      My friend knows she talks too much, others have mentioned it to her, but she cannot stop herself. Do not feel compelled to fill every pause or quiet moment with a question or comment. That may be hard to do, but pretend you are witness at a deposition and think to yourself “if I say more than three sentences, I am talking too much.” At one time, of course.

      Hel-lo’s suggestion is great. I had not heard that before.

  6. Whoops, meant to post this on Weekend Thread and not the weekly news roundup…

    Looking for advice from the lawyerettes: I left my midlaw litigation job in hopes of landing in house or gov’t work. About 50% of my work for midlaw was for a single quasi-government client for whom we served as general counsel. I loved that part of my job and hated the rest of it. Anyways, I had some successful interviews (made it to last round for 3 jobs) but no offers so I ended up taking a job at a very tiny law firm to be near my fiance. Definitely not my cup of tea and I’m still longing for in house or government work. An internship was just posted in the General Counsel’s office of a company I’ve been stalking and they’re looking for JD candidates or graduates. I’m going to apply and who knows if they’ll bother to call me back but is it career suicide for a 5th year associate to take an internship like this? My thought was best case scenario they make room for me permanently, worst case scenario I walk away with some in house experience. Am I oversimplifying that?

  7. totes ridic :

    Does anyone here have a Lo & Sons bag? I’ve been looking for a nice nylon tote for work, and they look fairly promising. Between the Brookline and the Travel Tote (I have a 15″ Macbook Pro, so no Savoy for me, unfortunately), which would you recommend? The T.T. looks a lot sleeker, but I don’t know if it’s worth the price differential.

    I’d also appreciate it if anyone could direct me to any discount codes that may be floating around? Everything I’ve found seems to have expired in December 2011 at the latest, and I’m kicking myself for not having taken advantage of the many 40% discount codes that were available last year.

    Thanks in advance!

    • I have been carrying the Brookline to work every day for about 6 months. It’s nice looking, a good size, and the pockets are well-designed (except for the outside zipper pocket where the zipper scratches the heck out of my hand every time I try to get something out). Unfortunately, the strap broke (hardware came apart) after about a week of use. I emailed the company and they were nice about sending a new strap right away. However, the same exact part broke on the new strap just a few weeks ago. I don’t think I’m overloading the bag or carrying anything particularly heavy, so I think it must be a design flaw. Also, one of the small interior pockets has come unstitched. I really thought I would love this bag – so much so that I came on here to recommend it after I got it – but I don’t think the quality is worth the price.

    • In House Counsel :

      I have the OMG black which I use for business travel. I find it to be of good quality and the compartments/shape are good for travel. I don’t know about quality issues (no problems with mine though I clearly don’t use every day but more like 1-2x a month for work travel) but I would hold out for another code rather than paying full price.

      • I’m totally getting one when they’re back in stock, and debating between the OG, OMG, and TT. Thoughts on sizes? I’m hoping to use it for both daily and travel use. I bring my laptop home from work 1-2x a week, and often am toting something else (pilates clothes, shoes, snacks, additional work papers).

        • In House Counsel :

          My OMG fits both my work issued Dell Latitude and my older (circa 2009) Macbook. There is still a decent amount of room to fit a pair of shoes, a book or some papers, my wallet, extension cord etc. It definitely doesn’t make the bag light but there is room for more than just the laptop whereas I think the TT is slimmer and harder to fit as much. I am about 5’4″ and think the OMG is a good size — the OG would have overwhelmed my frame and is probably way too big and thus too heavy/bulky. Also the OMG can fit under the seat on an airplane whereas I’d think the OG would be harder.

          • Thanks IHC! I’m also 5’4″, and looking at the pictures on the website I also think the OG would overwhelm my frame, so the OMG it is. Now just waiting for them to come in! I can’t wait to have a bag to loop over my suitcase handle.

        • I don’t think the T.T. would fit all of those things. On a daily basis, I carry normal purse stuff (lotion, sunglasses, wallet, etc.) and my lunch in mine. I think the things you listed wouldn’t really fit. A pair of heels takes up most of the space, so I carry my lunch separately on days that I have shoes in the T.T.

      • I am a banana. :

        I have an OMG and I love it too. Did not pay full price. I bought it so that I could walk to work in the rain. It has held up well over the last three months of daily use, I haven’t had any strap breaking problems.

    • I have the T.T., and I like it a lot. I have had it since the fall, and use it for work everyday, plus occasional travel as my second carry-on (love the adjustable sleeve to put it over the roller). It is not as lightweight as I would have hoped, but it’s pretty good.

      Just a warning–I got a new 13” Macbook Pro and it just fits in the laptop sleeve in the T.T. I have an older 15” and I do not think it fits (if you want, I can check when I get home if that would be helpful). I fee like I read something about this issue, too–maybe on their FB page?

      When I bought, they had a discount code for 10% or so if you liked them on FB.

    • FYI, they’ve been out of stock of a bunch of styles for a while, but I just got an email saying that they’ll be getting stock back in a month or two, and offering sneak preview and discount for everyone who’s been waiting. You should get on their waiting list — maybe you can get the discount too!

    • I have the TT and really like it. I use it as an everyday bag but specifically bought it due to what seemed to be exceedingly travel-friendly features. The organizational features are great and it has been very handy as my 2nd travel bag. Note that the main compartment is a little small to hold much of a lunch (or small handbag, if you’re trying to avoid checking luggage but still want to bring something beyond just a wallet) due to the relative flatness.

      I did shell out the full amount but only because I “needed” it for a trip. I did see that they were offering discounts again shortly after that, so I would recommend holding out until you get one. I think that the suggestion to go on the waiting list is probably a good one.

    • I love my T.T. Mine’s the lavender with gold ?trimmings variety. Used infrequently; had it for 4 months. Bit disappointed that the gold colour is literally rubbing off leaving silver patches. Did not expect that given the price and recs. Perhaps the tropical climate has something to do with it:(

      • I forgot to mention that an inner pocket is beginning to come unstitched. Trying to avoid stuffing that pocket to prevent it getting worse, although that’s definitely not what started it off.

      • I’m sorry if this comes off sounding like a lot if negative comments; it’s a great design, very functional though slimmer than I anticipated.
        If at all, I’m cross since I have no easy way of getting it repaired and I picked something that I thought offered great quality for just that reason.

  8. Posting again b/c I’m trying to avoid moderation, apologies if this gets posted multiple times…

    Looking for advice from the lawyerettes: I left my midlaw litigation job in hopes of landing in house or gov’t work. About 50% of my work for midlaw was for a single quasi-government client for whom we served as general counsel. I loved that part of my job and hated the rest of it. Anyways, I had some successful interviews (made it to last round for 3 jobs) but no offers so I ended up taking a job at a very tiny law firm to be near my fiance. Definitely not my cup of tea and I’m still longing for in house or government work. An internship was just posted in the General Counsel’s office of a company I’ve been eyeing for months and they’re looking for JD candidates or graduates. I’m going to apply and who knows if they’ll bother to call me back but is it a terrible career move for a 5th year associate to take an internship like this? My thought was best case scenario they make room for me permanently, worst case scenario I walk away with some in house experience. Am I oversimplifying that?

  9. PharmaGirl :

    On the 4 items of clothing thread yesterday, several people mentioned chambray shirts. I haven’t worn those since the early 90s when I was in high school and had no idea they were a wardrobe staple. Am I totally missing out? Any shopping/styling recommendations?

    • I wear mine with almost everything. Mine’s from JCrew outlet; I know their regular store has a lot of options too.

    • I love chambray shirts. Agree that they’re great with sooooo many things. Mine’s from the Levis store.

      On a somewhat related note, since I didn’t comment on the prior thread, thought I’d throw this out there: one of my “live-in” items for the past 2 summers is a DKNY denim dress that I got on sale for like $25. It’s amazingly versatile (not in the “dress it up for a party or wear to work” sence, but all other life’s occasions from sitting on couch to going out to a bar to shopping to you-name-it), comfy, and makes me feel surprisingly cute when I wear it.

    • Madewell has adorable ones. I’m wearing their ex-boyfriend chambray as I type this.

  10. ChocCityB&R :

    Two meta questions for the weekend:

    1. How did you ladies come upon your usernames? I switched around for a long time before I picked one that I hoped no one new would use (I was born and raised in Washington DC, hence, Chocolate City Born and Raised) but would say something somewhat personal about me. I look at other user names and I so strongly associate them with the personality of the poster that I can never think of Kanye West the same way again ;-)

    2. How do you regulars keep up with the comments on this site? There are some women who are so supportive and active on every post, and I’m lucky if I get to the weekend or morning threads before there are already 300 posts. I see a subject that interests me, or I want to lend support to a poster, but by the time I arrive I will have been the 90th person to do so. I’d love to become a regular, but I’d have to go part time at work to make it happen…

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      1) Mine’s from the West Wing, which is my favorite tv show–one of the characters has a pet goldfish named Gail.

      2) Read most of the morning thread on lunch break, usually catch up on the later threads in my late-afternoon mental brain break and occasionally read them at night when I get home.

    • Skippy pea :

      I came up with my name pretty randomly. No rhyme or reason for it.

      I also am unable to keep up with all the comments on the site and hence cannot be as supportive or helpful as I like to be.

    • My name is just my first name. I don’t usually run across too many people who are Just Jennys, as opposed to Jennifers, but a couple of weeks ago someone with the username Jenny posted something about coming from a financially privileged backgroud, which is sooooo not me, but I thought it would be rude to reply to say so. Maybe I should change to JennyDC or Jenny in DC or something to avoid confusion?

    • Equity's Darling :

      I was sitting in Trusts, and umm…we were talking about Equity’s Darlings (aka, bone fide purchaser for value without notice), so that was that.

      I am terrible at keeping up with the comments, I really wish there was a more organized way of dealing with them, so usually I’ll skim them early in the day, and then again before bed, just to see what’s up.

    • I’m on the west coast, so when I get up in the morning and like to read a little internet, there’s usually a fair number of comments but not tooo many. And after that I just skim over things I’ve already read or don’t care about.

    • 1. I know someone with a lot of relatives who happen to be named Lydia. So here I am just another Lydia.
      2. Whether I am commenting seems to depend on my work load. Sometimes there just isn’t enough time in the day to read Kat’s post alone.

    • I have a couple of names I use on the internet. I can’t even remember how I picked them all…1 is a family nickname and the others are made up on the spot or nonsensical.

      I stay with Anon now because someone on Corporette started using my REAL name a couple of months ago. My name is extremely unusual and not-English, so it does not feel like a coincidence O_O

    • Love your username, ChocCityB&R! I too struggled to come up with my username. For some reason, I felt a lot of pressure to come up with the “perfect” username before posting. I had been lurking for a *really* long time – like, 2 years, and had never posted a comment. Reading all of the postings, and gaining insights into people’s lives but never divulging my own details, I stated to feel a bit like a voyeur. And, since I am a lawyer, I became…Lawyeur.

    • Mine is the name of my car.

    • karenpadi :

      1. FirstNameCampName (I use this handle on a lot of sites). I picked it out back when hotmail was hot and I was working at Girl Scout camp every summer (good times). I got the camp name because I was learning how to scuba dive (Padi does scuba certifications) when I needed to pick out a name and someone already chose “Scooby” (I wanted to be “Scuba”). I might have some issues using a trademark in my online identity but they haven’t caught me yet!

      I’ve been using the name for so long that I answer to karenpadi IRL. FWIW, I still answer to Padi too (when I don’t want to use my real first name, I go by Patty).

      2. It’s easier if I make a reply during short coffee breaks and use CRT+F to find my name and any replies. If it’s a long thread asking for advice, and I find that someone else has given the advice I would give, I just say “this” and may be add a sentence or two. I skip certain threadjacks like vacation (unless they mention scuba diving) and “what are you wearing?”. By the end of a 200 comment thread, I have 3 or 4 comments and can pretty quickly skim the rest.

    • Backgrounder :

      My handle has to do with my job…

      As for keeping up with the posts it is like a full time job! I’m not a regular poster per se but definitely a regular lurker. I like to check once in the morning, once around lunch and once in the afternoon. More often when things are slow at work. I feel like a corporette stalker saying that :)

      • Francie N. :

        1. Its from my favorite book :)

        2. I can’t but I try, I am like Lawyeur and Backgrounder I read multiple times a day, but mostly observe the conversation, unless I have something important to add.

        PS So So So Anon if you read this I will follow up from yesterdays thread :)

    • I don’t know why I picked this handle but it’s really easy for me to scan text and find it, so that’s nice. As for how to keep up…I get really bored at work, even when it’s exciting. I need that quick break and flip back and forth from Corporette to whatever I’m doing. Although I do spend wayyyyyy too much time here.

    • In honor of Fiona from Burn Notice. =)

    • a passion for fashion :

      1) i picked this name because if i was not a lawyer, i would be doing something fashion-related. Outside of my family and my job, fashion is really the only other thing about which i am passionate.

      2) my reading and commenting is inversely related to how busy i am at work.

    • I’m a mama, my last name sounds like bear, and I feel like all y’all’s mama because I’m 47 and it seems like many of you are in your twenties.

    • eastbaybanker :

      I’ve been legallybrunnette on the internet off and on. No good reason–just like the movie and am a proud to be a brunette. But this being a lawyer blog, of course there was already another legallybrunette when I discovered Corporette. I was a little crushed!

    • Another Zumba Fan :

      I responded to a Zumba-related thread under this name and never changed it. I had previously posted a few times under another name that related to my work and location.

    • The name of my cat. I read the comments on my phone when I’m stuck in court or elsewhere. I haven’t figured out how to search for a word on my iphone so have not been able to comment much outside the office.

    • 1. My name is my location. Kinda boring and I’m not really a boring person but I like the name.

      2. I’ll comment on something and subscribe to comments. On gmail they come in one thread that I can scan through (either on my computer or on my phone) easily and if I see something I want to comment on, I’ll jump in. Of course, this entirely depends on when I’m in my office and have time to catch up.

      • I also subscribe to comments. So I kind of think of Corporette as an email list instead of a blog. :)

        My name is just something I came up on the spot. I don’t use it anywhere else.

        (I’ve posted under other names for different threads, too, depending on how embarrassing my threadjack would be.)

    • 1. There was another E that posted, so I decided to use E-Squared, then I realized it was ESQuared, which is even niftier and more relevant. When I post anon, I use the same #s after the anon so that I can keep track of my posts.

      2. I just randomly skim & comment. Usually when someone is asking for advice that I have relevant info on. Currently have been spending way too much time here.

    • I’d give a 100 cyberdollars and a hug to any corporette who’s first real name is also Houda… ya .. thought so! So I figured if my first name is THAT rare, I could as well use it.

      I read all the posts either on lunch break or at night

    • I picked mine because my name starts with the same letter, am born in May, and was a long time reader deciding whether to post before I did. I think I may have wondered if I would get responses to my query, that first time too :)

      I live in Asia, am about 10h or so ahead of you lovely ladies so keeping up and being early enough to respond is always a challenge.

    • EC is my initials, I am an MD. I chose to distinguish that piece not so much because I wanted to show off, but because so many of you are lawyers, and I thought it set me apart.

      Depending on how busy my clinic schedule is, I often read between patients (probably leaving my dictation to be done some other time…). On other days, I don’t log on until my son is watching his video before bed.

    • Mary Ann Singleton :

      I live in San Francisco and had just been to see Tales of the City the musical (loved it!). Also, read the Tales of the City series 10 years ago and it really shaped my introduction to SF. And I think a lot of newcomers have a little bit of Mary Ann in them, whether they want to or not :). (She’s not always the most likeable character.)

      • I remember watching the Tales of the City on KQED when it came out! No DVRs in those days – it was literally must see TV. Sometimes I’d have friends over to watch. (Same for Twin Peaks.) I loved Mary Ann Singleton and could totally relate to her. I’ve always smiled at your handle.

        Also… I went to an Armisted Maupin book signing. You know he started that book as a series for the Chronicle?

        • Mary Ann Singleton :

          Loved the TV series too! I am a big Maupin fan, even so much that when a condo recently went on the market on Macondray Lane I wanted to jump at buying it, even though it was way out of my budget.

          Have you read Mary Ann in Autumn (his latest book)? I really loved it – it brings back a bit of the Mary Ann we knew and loved from the first book (instead of the news anchor with rock hard abs who leaves her adoptive daughter behind). I think Maupin decided to make peace with her in the last book.

          • No, I haven’t read that! Something new to download to Kindle. :) Thanks!

    • 1.) I bet you can guess why I chose this name.

      2.) I have ADD so this site is just a huge welcome distraction to the mundane of office life. I tell myself if I finish X, I get to go on Corporette. It is a reward. And when something crappy happens and I just need to escape for a bit, I go on the site. I check it at least 10+ times per day but when I do it that much it is far easier to read just what is new. When I’m super busy, I just control f for my name and see if there are any new responses. I probably spend about an hour a two a day on this site when you add up all my breaks but it keeps me sane and is worth it.

    • 1) I kind of mentioned this when some poster were wondering whether I was Finnish (based on my handle), but here it is again- picked it from the title of a song I really, really like. I am not Finnish. :) I also wanted to pick something unique.

      2) I was wondering the exact same thing! Thanks for asking the question. I have been reading the posts regularly but started posting only recently. Especially when I have a really busy day, I can’t get to the posts until the very end of the day. Sometimes, I feel that it is too late to comment at this point and I just browse through them. I guess, that the Weekend Open Thread is the easiest to keep up with because it remains active throughout the weekend.

    • 1. My last name is Cox and I’m an MD. And I re-he-eally like the show Scrubs.

      2. I don’t always get to keep up – I usually end up reading everything at the end of the day. Which means I don’t often get to comment because by that point it’s so late that no one else is reading anyway. Ah well. Even though I’m a chronic lurker, I still feel like part of the community.

    • ‘Cause Special Agent Dana Scully is awesome. I’ve though about becoming a Special Agent from time to time.

    • Am I The Only One? :

      Am I the only regular reader and commenter who uses a new, topic-specific name for each comment? I am way too concerned about privacy to post with the same name all the time.

    • Totes McGotes :

      1. Mine is a reference to the movie I Love You, Man. I used to use another name, but it was too close to my real name, I’m in a small legal community, I am constantly recommending Corporette to people, and it was exhausting to mentally edit my posts to stay anonymous. I considered a number of handles, but this one always made me laugh. So now I say what I want, but if my location becomes a topic of discussion, I use a different handle.

      2. My job is godawful. My form of rebellion is to sit on Corporette for hours hitting Refresh… Refresh… Refresh… If I’m actually getting anything done, I either ctrl+f myself or accept that I will be behind.

    • lucy stone :

      1) Lucy Stone was one of the first known women to keep her own name after she married. I’m doing this and it is causing a bit of consternation with pretty much everyone in my life .

      2) I don’t, if I am busy at work.

  11. soon to be hitched :

    Getting married next weekend! Very excited. Any advice? (Most open-ended question, ever.)

    • PharmaGirl :

      Relax, hydrate, and give in to the fact that something will go wrong. ;)

    • Congratulations!

      Don’t sweat the small stuff – if you ordered pink icing on your cake, but it is red when it is delivered – who cares! Nobody will notice or care! Just enjoy your day – it is one of the only times that so many different people from so many different aspects of your life will be in one room.

      • Second on don’t sweat the small stuff! Try to be prepared for what you can, but don’t let some little thing ruin the whole day for you. The more you let go, the happier you will be.

        Congratulations!

      • LLM in BsAs :

        Third on don’t sweat the small stuff… unless you are literally sweating.
        Story: we did formal pics between the ceremony and dinner at the venue, inside the hall. It was end of summer, so the hall had AC. My elderly grandmother sat in on the pictures, got cold and requested the AC to be turned down. Come to the dancing, and I almost fainted, my brand new mother-in-law literally fainted, until we figured out the situation with the AC. And we reamed the venue coordinator for a) turning down the AC in the first place, and b) not turning it back up when dancing stared.
        Moral: be clear with the venue who can give orders/make changes at the venue.
        We were clear to the DJ that no one was allowed to use the mic for any reason whatsoever or to make song requests. We never figured the AC. Still a great wedding!

    • Enjoy it!

    • Oil in Houston :

      congrats! I got married in June, my advice:
      - avoid the sun – I had breakfast in the sun with my grandma 3 days before the wedding, and got a stupid tan line around my neck, which really irritated me…
      - sleep as much as you can, I didn’t sleep well the night before (duh) and not at all the night after (partying) – I got so tired I collapsed on my way to the honeymoon, not a great start!
      - don’t drink (too much) before the wedding itself, I normally drink a lot of water as I’m always dehydrated, but mass was 90mn-long and toilets breaks were not an option!
      - on a similar note – don’t drink alcohol before ceremnoy! a friend of mine drunk too much champagne with her BM getting ready, and was a bit tipsy at church! not a great look!
      - don’t forget to give your maid of honour a ‘bag of essentials’, mine had: make up wipes (useful to get my make up off my new husband’s collars after the pics), safety pins, headache pills, tissues (for my mum:)), plasters (for BM feet), make up for the pics, our speeches
      - I also gave my maid of honour, and his best man a list of the ‘do not miss’ pictures with family and friends (and despite that, forgot my brothers’ SO, still upset about that..)
      and finally, a change of clothes for the next day… my brother forgot mine at home, and I had to borrow my bridesmaid’s dress for my trip back home!!

      more importantly, enjoy every minute!!! it goes so fast!!!!

      • Agree on the “do not miss photos” list, but we gave it to our photographers, and we introduced the photographers to our brothers, so that they could ask someone besides us who people were if we were not available.

        • If you have time, send your photographer pictures of your impt people, not just names. Hard to pick out who is who but easier to recognize faces.

        • We didn’t think to get a pic of the two families combined. There are pics of me w/ the hubs, his parents and sister and pics of the hubs w/ me, my parents and brother, but none of the 8 of us. If we could do it again, we would get one of those.

    • congrats!

      buy cushy inserts for your shoes — my feet were KILLING me by the end of the night.

      • Or have a back up pair of shoes that are approx the same height as your wedding shoes (maybe wedges versus heels). The coordinator at my venue put them at my table at the reception for me.

      • Anonsensical :

        Or go barefoot. I had two pairs of shoes for my outdoor wedding ~ flat sandals for the outdoor part, and heels for inside dancing. I didn’t wear either pair and ended up returning them later. :)

    • just Karen :

      Mine’s four weeks from tomorrow, and the best advice I have heard so far was someone telling me to stand in front of a mirror 24 to 48 hours beforehand and tell yourself “from here on out, what happens, happens – just enjoy yourself”. In other words, obsess all you want about tablecloth color two weeks ahead, but if it’s wrong day-of, just let it go.

    • Seconded (or thirded) on the must-take photos list — if you haven’t already given that list to your photographer, try to do that before the day itself. Also — designate someone (a relative, bridesmaid, day-of coordinator, etc.) to make sure to set aside some food for you at the reception/party and to make sure that you get to eat! Especially at the c*cktail hour (if you’re having one) — I would not have gotten a bite of any of our amazing hors-d’oeuvres if our phenomenal coordinator had not pulled aside four or five of them and showed up at my side during all the meeting and greeting.

    • At some point in the 24 hours before my wedding, as my husband came rolling in with his 4 groomsmen totally grungy from his camping batchelor party, I realized we didn’t have refrigerator space to hold all the flowers and I was stressing about my divorced parents interaction at the rehearsal dinner (not to mention whether my future MIL would have enough energy to attend as she had recently had a cancer operation) I stood in my kitchen and had an epiphany. I realized in that moment that I could choose to be neurotic about everything, and have crushing anxiety that would ruin everything, or I could relax and enjoy what was a very joyous time for me and my husband and family. I made a conscious choice to be present for the moments that were occurring rather than running every worse case scenario. It really worked for me, and I ended up having a great time at my wedding. My best memory is walking through downtown Seattle, in full wedding dress, with my husband in a tux. In our usual moment of cheapness, we decided to park several blocks from the reception since meters were free on Sunday. The groomsman who was supposed to take us had forgotten. We walked through downtown Seattle, and everyone smiled at us — seniors, tourists, homeless. It was really magical.

      • Love this story!

      • Awww…I wish I’d seen you EC! It does sound magical. I love seeing brides in wedding gowns. We’ve seen wedding parties and/or weddings in Bellevue Downtown Park and at St. Thomas/St. Edwards’ State Park.

      • Such a lovely story; thanks for posting.

        When I was posing for my wedding pics I had random tourists walk up and ask to take a photo with *me* because they liked the idea of a pic with a traditional bride. Others just asked to take pics of us. Whatever. Looking back I was strangely unperturbed.
        Probably the excitement and the ego-boosting compliments.
        Ah, youth.

    • Best advice I got was to just focus on the day. REALLY focus and you will actually remember things and not just have picture or video-induced memories 5 years from now.

    • Congrats! :

      Don’t forget to eat during the day! It is a long and busy day but eat breakfast and lunch. And iff you can swing it try to sneak into the reception and eat there early. Our wedding coordinator prepped a plate of appetizers and brought it to us in the waiting/entrance room where no one could find us before we entered the reception. It made the next eight hours of dancing, mingling and drinking a lot easier.

      • Eat something before the wedding, because chances are you’ll be so busy talking to friends and family that you won’t eat much at the reception. My sister, who was my best woman, brought hubs & me green chile cheeseburgers before we got ready for our Santa Fe wedding. It was the best thing to calm me down and prep me for the evening.

      • Second! My husband and I arranged it so we could eat together alone for about twenty minutes between the ceremony and the reception. This is obviously totally dependent on your schedule (we had our pictures done before the ceremony and left right away so we got to the reception site before the guests), but it was completely worth. It meant that we could spend the whole reception focused just on seeing people and enjoying ourselves!

    • DC Association :

      When you are walking down the aisle, remember to hold your flowers down. I think so many brides are nervous, excited, etc they end up holding them high – it blocks your dress.

  12. White Suits? :

    My law school graduation is impending, and a century-old tradition means we don’t wear caps-and-gowns; we wear suits. Specifically, white suits.

    Has anyone seen a nice one lately you could recommend? I think ideally I’d love to find a white sheath dress and white blazer I could later wear as separates.

    Cheers, and thanks for the advice in advance!

  13. I made it to the end of fiscal year without a total nervous breakdown! (Though it got close at times) Off to see the Hunger Games (um, again) and give my liver a good workout this weekend to celebrate.

  14. I am tempted to read the Game of Thrones series and know that some commenters here have endorsed it. What holds me back are the many negative reviews talking about way too many characters, having trouble figuring out who they all are, no likable characters, too much sex/violence…

    Are there still some high endorsements of this series?

    • Yes! But you have to get past the first book to get there.

    • No likeable characters, whaaaa?!

      I just started reading the first book. I think it’s fun, engaging, and a page-turner. It’s like summer beach reading (in my case, without the summer or the beach).

      And if someone with some seamstress skills will help me, I want to put together a book of patterns so people can sew their own versions of the clothing the characters wear. There have already been two cookbooks, and since G.R.R.M. goes into such detail with his clothing descriptions, I think we could do it. And it would be a giant hit with the Etsy/RenFaire/cosplay/fantasy crowd. Who’s with me?!

    • Geezerette :

      Loved the whole series of books! There are good websites with all the details on the characters and maps that I referred to while reading the books — helpful when you forget just who one of the many minor characters is.

      • Backgrounder :

        This. I’m on the fifth book and sometimes I find myself googling a character to get a refresher like who is this? what house are they from? why/how are they important to the plot line again? I also like to look at some of the maps which are really helpful when you get to books 3-5 and the characters are doing a lot of travel outside of Westeros.

    • Honestly, I loved the first book…I could not put it down. From there though my opinion of the series went down hill. I picked up the series based on the recommendations here. I felt by the fourth book, I was mostly annoyed reading it because there seemed to be hardly any development in the story line.

    • I’m watching the last episode of the first season this weekend. I just have a bit of a hang up with all the shows set in time periods where it is acceptable to beat and r@pe women. I know that it is a part of history and happened and happens. But no one could get away with writing a contemporary piece like that. The fact that it is sci-fi/fantasy almost makes it worse. That said, I do enjoy the show, got sucked in by the plot and am excited for the next season.

      I made a comment to my husband that I wouldn’t mind shows like that so much if they were more realistic in regards s3xual things guys used to do with each other during battle/those times. I guess there is another show/movie out that does depict that as well instead of just all the “hot” girl on girl scenes.

      • I also have a huge issue with r*pe scenes. I understand that it was part of life and continues to be a reality for a lot of women, but I just don’t want that graphic image in my head. I don’t mind as much if there’s an allusion to it, like in “Law & Order: SVU” or something (though, those plots can get pretty disturbing sometimes). I’ve found that the older I get, the less I want to put that stuff in my head… it just gives me terrible, vivid, dreams for weeks on end. I couldn’t get past the second episode of “Game of Thrones” because of the inc*st/r*pe/violent nature of any s*x. I’m sure it’s an engrossing series, but I just can’t get past the frequency of graphic scenes.

      • Err did you miss the male-male gay s*x that was shown pretty explicitly in the show, and heavily alluded to in the books?

    • Keep this near you while you read: http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljvomnekzJ1qa2ylwo1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAI6WLSGT7Y3ET7ADQ&Expires=1333226417&Signature=ZLUE7KFHvZlHnywmzBVLeUWnFnA%3D
      I don’t recommend using the wiki or anything, because I’ve had some big plot twists given away with that method.
      Enjoy. It’s fabulous.

    • I read the first book, and enjoyed it, but thought it was really depressing. When my friends were all like, “Oh, things start to look up around the 4th book,” I decided that I really didn’t want to spend that much time being depressed. I made it through two episodes of the tv show before deciding I didn’t need to go through that story a second time.

      Foreign Affairs has a really interesting article about The Game of Thrones as political theory, and at the end it addresses some of the violence toward women critiques. http://www.foreignaffairs.com/articles/137360/charli-carpenter/game-of-thrones-as-theory

    • I love ASOIAF. Yeah, there are a lot of characters, but the wiki’s helpful if you need a reminder in the fourth book who Horror and Slobber are. Some of them are likeable, some of them are not–but one thing GRRM does well is give every character dimension (if someone had told me he would find a way to make a certain Lannister twin one of my favorite characters while I was reading the first book, I would have laughed in your face), so if you’re looking for A White Knight defeats The Forces of Evil, this is not for you.

      There is a lot of sex and violence. It doesn’t bother me particularly, but if it would skeeve you out I’d avoid the books. Or you could do what I did, which is reach a sex scene, roll my eyes, and skip ahead three paragraphs.

      Overall, though, I loved these books. I mean, I read them all between December 16 and like, January 10. I would not read that many pages, much less that quickly, of a series I didn’t really love.

    • lucy stone :

      I read these after the TV show started last year on the recommendation of one of our friends. I loved them and plowed through the series in about a month (that included a beach vacation of nothing but reading). I enjoy everything about the series and view it more as a political thriller and less as a fantasy series.

  15. Corporettes – lurker turned poster (apparently!)

    I am applying for a marketing position within a law firm. I have marketing experience, although it has been about 7 years since I have worked in that industry. I have practiced law for the last 4 years. The job description on the website of the firm requests a “work sample” and salary requirements. I have no idea what to use as a work sample. Also, I do not want to give salary requirements at this stage, but am afraid my application will not be considered without them. Any advice on how to proceed is appreciated!

    • If it’s a request for salary requirements in a cover letter, I go with a simple “My salary requirements are flexible.” It addresses the matter and avoids ruling you out as a candidate or under-valuing yourself.

      Also in the cover letter, address which marketing skills you’ve used on the job, as well as specific outcomes. A large part of practicing law is using strong, tactful communications; connect the dots for them by showing how you can translate your most recent experience to the new job. Good luck!

    • Legal Marketer :

      For a work sample, have you written or contributed to any RFPs while you were practicing law? A sample of one of those would be good. Also, if you have authored, or significantly contributed to, any copy that was used on the firm website or collateral, that would be fine as well.

      I know we often work with attorneys on that stuff to ensure it’s technically correct.

      • I am a partner at a law firm and have been in charge of hiring the marketing staff.

        I have wasted a lot of my time and the candidate’s time when we have not been on the same salary page. If the job posting does not give a salary range, and you are looking for something above $50k, I would find a courteous way to say that you are not seeking an entry level salary. On the other hand, because you have been a lawyer, the employer might be concerned that you are looking for a higher salary than you actually are. I think you might eliminate youself from consideration if you don’t answer this job requirement in your application.

        For work samples, consider identifying your Twitter account and any blog you might have. We don’t care about the content (for the most part). We are looking for evidence of participation in social media. If you have created any videos, I would send a sampling, even if they are personal (as long as they are decent!). If you have ever created a newsletter, written a published article, prepared a print ad or a press release, those would be good.

  16. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a long, long time. And, although we plan to stay together forever, we have no interest in getting married. Calling him “boyfriend” seems all wrong. It’s too casual. “Partner” and “significant other” aren’t satisfying either. So, I’ve come up with a new word for a long-term committed partner: “osdop”. It stands for “opposite-sex domestic partner.” Here’s hoping it enters the vernacular soon. What do you think? Too weird? I would also love to know what other non-married folks call their long term partners.

    Have a great weekend.

    • Before Mr. East and I got hitched, I usually referred to him as “my ham slice” or “my jellyroll” when people around the office asked.

    • I’m all for your logic, but it’s just not an easy word or acronym with that particular consonant/vowel combination. If you want to add some extra words beyond boyfriend/partner, why not just “domestic partner”, leaving out the “opposite sex” because you’re obviously opposite sexes. In other words, don’t be redundant. You could also try out something old-fashioned, but cute, that definitely gets the point across, like: “And this is my better half, XXXX”.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        Why is it “obvious” that her domestic partner/significant other is of the opposite sex?

        • I envisioned the OP looking for a term to use when introducing her guy to others. It would be obvious when she says, “I’d like you to meet my XYZ, Fabio,” because the dude would be standing right there.

          On the other hand, if the term is used in general conversation (“My XYZ and I went antiquing over the weekend”), you’re right, SFBA, it’s not obvious.

          • It made me pause, but afeter a second’s reflection I also took it to mean OP would use the term when refering to him in conversations with others who have some background already (maybe met him, or saw a photo of him in her office, or heard about him in some other context, etc). Not that it would be obvious that someone would have a significant other of the opposite sex.

          • Creepy that I was going to write the same thing, and we have the same handle.

        • …because she is a woman and said he is a man

        • I assumed AT meant if the OP was introducing the fellow he would be standing right there, so people could see he isn’t a woman. Not obvious if she’s talking about him when he’s not there, though often it’s easy to guess from the name.

          • I apologize if my comment wasn’t clear and hope no one took offense. I wasn’t trying to assume anything — I was imagining her introducing him and saying “osdop” and then when people ask what that stands for, “opposite sex” seems kind of redundant.

            Reflecting more, however, I guess I would not be inclined to adopt phraseology like “opposite sex domestic partner” or the acronym, because to me it comes across as preemptively announcing “I’m not gay” to people you don’t know well (since people you do know well will likely know at least something about your S.O.) in conversation. If someone is concerned that other people will make assumptions about them, isn’t it easier to use “boyfriend”/”girlfriend” or otherwise indicate the sex of your partner in a natural way in the conversation like karenpadi suggests? (Thinking of SNL, “I’d love to introduce you to Pat, she’s my better half”/”My partner Pat and I just bought a house in the neighborhood that he grew up in”).

        • I call my long-term BF my “bearded half” (he has a beard) to avoid confusion.

      • I am in the same boat as you. Together 7.5 yrs and living together for 3.5. I hate when married people ask when we are getting married or why we aren’t yet. I don’t want to say anything that would offend them so I usually just say “I don’t know” or “never”. Never usually gets a good reaction LOL. But honestly things are good and we are only 25.. why get married?

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      “my common-law husband”

      • Ha! I used this one recently. Went to the ballet and were seated next to this chatty older couple, they kept asking if my SO was my husband, so I just said, “yes, but common law..”

        • careful, if you call him your common law hubby in a common law state he could end up your real husband! :)

          • Or conversely, you’d seem like a really terrible lawyer if you said that about yourself in CA. ;-p
            I just call him my boyfriend, and if people get hung up on it & it is more convenient (usually when we are doing healthcare stuff, because we are domestic partners for that), I call him my husband.
            I don’t really care what other people think about us, I know what we are. ;-)

    • I just refer to mine by name. People figure it out.

    • karenpadi :

      I see nothing wrong with partner. I think “sig other” is too much of a mouthful.

      I think some people associate partner with LGBT couples. I can see how it might be an issue in some parts of the country but even then you can slip in his gender fairly easily like “my partner, John, and I went on a picnic. He brought sandwiches” to clear up any confusion.

      Else, if he’s OK with it, you can just call him your husband–I have friends who do that. No one asks to see a marriage certificate during casual introductions.

      • My husband didn’t like being called my “partner” because he thought people would take it to mean business partner.

        Before we were married, we lived somewhere where there weren’t tons of cohabiting, unmarried couples, and people often asked after my husband. Fine if you’re both okay with it.

    • The ball and chain? My old man? The syrup to my waffle?

      Personally, I just like boyfriend.

      I have recently started working with a colleague who refers to his long-term girlfriend as “my lady friend” or just “my lady.” It comes across as totally creepy.

      • Wow, can I tell you how much I hate “ladyfriend?” Spluh.

        • My aunt’s father-in-law moved into an assisted living facility after his wife passed. He became close to another resident at the facility, and our family always referred to her as his “lady friend.” “Girlfriend” didn’t seem appropriate, since the woman in question was over 80. In that context, I thought it was kind of cute and not creepy.

          • Yes, older people get a pass on lots of things. I used to work with a man who called me “My Dear” all the time in meetings, and it would have really bothered me if he hadn’t been in his seventies. :)

          • Given that context, it is adorable!

        • Really? I’ll have to keep that in mind. When I meet a co-worker’s girlfriend/wife/fiancee/whatever for the first time, I like to ask about them later but can almost never remember their actual role, so I just default to saying a little jokingly “I was great to me your lady friend at the party last week!” No one has ever told me this was unappreciated, but I’ll have to work harder to remember names and roles, I suppose, so I can avoid using it.

          • I find it creepier when someone says “my ladyfriend” than someone else referencing to “your..” but I find the term generally awkward.

            This may be related to the fact that my grandmother always calls boyfriends or even fiancees “her FRIEND” with a huge emphasis on it. I know it is because she doesn’t want to assume, but if someone introduces as boyfriend or fiancee, it’s not assuming anything to use the same term. However, I always find xfriend to be a bit of a cop-out (other than the tradition boy/girlfriend),

      • Agree. What’s wrong with boyfriend? That’s what he is. There’s no status change based on length of time together. Same as married folks actually- your husband is your husband, whether you’ve been married for 50 days or 50 years. You could also just call him your husband if that’s what you consider him to be. Or just his name, because the people who know you well will know what the relationship is and who cares about those who don’t?

      • I have deposed many people who use that phrase… it ALWAYS comes off as hella creepy!

      • Damn! I call my long term girlfriend my lady or my ladyfriend all the time.

        I live in a big, liberal city but work in a place that is staffed mainly by older republicans for a variety of reasons. I like the term lady friend because it makes clear to the other person that this is my romantic partner not just a platonic friend (girlfriend is used heavily here by older women to refer to their platonic female friends and I’ve had some horribly awkward conversations where we were using different meanings of this term.)

        I also feel that partner can sometimes invite questions or have an overly activist tone (neither of which I mind in real life but don’t really want to deal with at work.)

        I feel like ladyfriend is clear enough so that I can just drop it casually in conversation to head off the “is your husband coming to x function?” questions but breezy enough that the conversation doesn’t get awkward when I say it. Creeping people out though was totally not my intention!

        • I don’t find it creepy for what its worth, that sounds like a good way to use it!

          • Thanks!

            And for the record I really love my colleagues and I believe they really enjoy working with me too. I just feel that sexuality doesn’t have a place in the workplace so I try to treat it as matter-of-factly as possible.

        • Weirdly, “ladyfriend” does not come across as creepy to me when you’re using it to describe a same-sex relationship. Hmm… Maybe I am a liberal bigot. :)

          I think I find it creepy with my co-worker because he is, in fact, creepy.

      • Bada$$ McGee :

        I like lady friend but mostly because it reminds me of The Big Lebowski, my favorite movie evar.

    • Before I got married, I jokingly referred to my husband as my “hetero life-mate”.

    • I’m totally on-board with just making up a new word for this. And, can I say how much I Hate the word “partner” for a person in a romantic relationship? Oddly enough, I until recently had a busines partner, and I found myself constantly saying “my partner” in ways that were interpreted as ambiguous. (“No, no, I have a husband and a partner!”)

      But, I agree with the comments that osdop is a hard one – I had to scroll back several times because I’d already forgotten how it went while reading this. The letters are just odd. But, anything is better (IMO) than partner or boyfriend (for a person well past being a boy).

    • In sociology slang — POSSLQ (person of opposite sex sharing living quarters, pronounced “Possle-Q). I doubt that would work for day to day conversation, though, unless you want a steal way to identify the sociologists in the room :)

    • anon in DC :

      If you’re planning to stay together forever, how is that different from being married? Is it not wanting to conform, feeling a piece of paper (i.e. marriage certificate) is worthless compared to your commitment to each other, or are there other factors keeping you from marriage? (I’m asking this out of genuine curiosity, btw.)

      • Not the OP, but similar situation. 10 yr. relationship with plans for the future, i.e., buying a house together. We’re not getting married for the foreseeable future.

        If we got married, I would lose out on some significant financial benefits; I wouldn’t gain any benefit from the income-based repayment plan for student loans (10-yr forgiveness). Our taxes would also increase- we’re get the “marriage penalty” due to our incomes. And if he wants to go back to grad school, my income would reduce the amount of financial aid he could get.

        We’re not having kids, so I don’t see much of a benefit right now. As we gain more assets as we age, it might make sense from a legal perspective for health and estate purposes. We’re going to reevaluate in ten more years. In the mean time, we’re drafting a cohabitation agreement this year and discussing wills, medical directives, and such.

        • Can’t you just file separately for IBR? I’m getting married in a year and on IBR but didn’t think anything would change

          • Do you live in a community property state? That might affect things.

            The marriage penalty can be huge. Huge. My husband and I often say that we wish we’d had the wedding but never filed a marriage license. We’re talking nearly six figures we would have saved in taxes so far had we remained separate financial entities for the IRS’ purposes.

          • I just did a bunch of research related to IBR and m consolidation applucation, and my understanding is that if you file taxes jointly as a married couple, your spouse’s income is definitely considered for the purposes of your IBR. It may still be considered if you file separately, I am not sure about that. I also know a couple (two attorneys) who chose to wait ten years before getting married specifically because of how the particular public interest loan forgiveness program one of them was enrolled in would count the other’s income.

            I hope you figure out something that works for you!

          • It’s usually much more advantageous to file as single than married but separate. Married but separate is restrictive- you lose a lot of credits and deductions, including the student loan interest deduction. You might want to talk to an accountant before doing IBR married but separate. Sometimes it makes more sense to file as married and make the standard payments.

        • Here, too :

          Similar reasons, although to (1) protect my step-kids’ eligibility for financial aid, which I would decimate if we were married; and (2) protect my income and assets from their mother who exclaimed upon learning of our (now loooong-term engagement), “Oh, now you’re going to be married to a fancy attorney, so you can start paying me more.”

          I will (and do) happily contribute to my stepkids’ needs. But their mother? She’s a grown woman with a job and her health. She doesn’t need me to augment her income.

          • Anonymous :

            If I did not want to marry my husband for financial reasons, I think that I would “marry” him anyway and call him my husband.

  17. Ramon for this :

    A close friend has an autistic son who is not receiving any kind of treatment (e.g., speech therapy, medication), despite the recommendations of several doctors. At 9 years old, the boy is too old for an early intervention; however, from everything I have read and heard, it sounds like there are still options available to help improve his quality of life – and hers.

    Can anyone recommend a non-judgmental way that I can encourage my friend to take these important steps? She has occasionally shown interest in seeking out some kind of professional help (hence the doctors’ recommendations), and I have helped her search for providers in her area. But typically she doesn’t follow through and finds some excuse to keep everything status quo, even if that is unpleasant for her and her family. (FWIW, her husband is not at all helpful. When he’s not ignoring their son, he’s yelling at him to stop his repetitive behaviors.)

    • Check into the local county Developmental Disabilities board – they generally have great programs, information, support, etc., that maybe she has not even thought of! Maybe it is just too overwhelming, upsetting, etc. so she is avoiding it?

      Would you be able to just grab coffee and have a “heart to heart” very direct conversation – “I know we have talked about finding assistance with “Joey” and I wondered how that was going since I haven’t talked about it with you lately…”

    • I don’t know that I can offer anything too helpful. It’s such a difficult and sensitive situation. We have family friends with a somewhat similar issue and they won’t even acknowledge the problem, they just keep finding doctors who tell them all can be solved through natural therapies and avoid anyone who says otherwise. Their child is getting close to school age and it’s really bad. So far, they have avoided the problem by just holding him back a year to give him time to “catch up,” but it’s not getting better and it breaks your heart to see a child not get the care he so badly needs. But honestly I don’t know what you can do when the parents refuse to participate.

      On the other hand, it sounds like your friend is less in denial about it than ours, so perhaps there is hope. Another friend of mine who is going through something personal and deeply difficult surprised me recently by responding really positively to the idea of a support group. I had previously suggested everything from self help books to therapy to no avail, but something about the idea of meeting with others in a similar situation really appealed to her. Maybe you could gently suggest that you heard of a support group for parents of kids on the autism spectrum (or perhaps there is some online community) and how helpful those can be in raising a child, and that will start her on a path to dealing with this more proactively? Sometimes it’s easier to take deal with it if you see others dealing with something similar.

    • Could you offer to go along to a school IEP meeting to help her remember/understand the issues and recommendations? He probably can’t get disability accommodations at school without statements from a current treating provider. If you start by helping her with the IEP, then she can identify what she wants for her son. When she realizes she can’t get it without seeking intervention, you can help her get that intervention. Going the IEP route means it will be the school telling her what she needs to do and making recommendations too. Depending on your district, she might be allowed to sign a release to let the school talk directly to you too. Many districts are allowing families to appoint “advocates” since it is so overwhelming for the parents to deal with and not everyone can afford a lawyer or social worker to attend every meeting.

      • Ramon for this :

        Surprisingly, she is fierce about getting his IEP updated every year. He has a full-time aide; however, this person is not an educator or a trained to deal with special needs children. Basically, it’s a babysitter to keep “Joey” from causing major disruptions in his (mainstream) classroom and to make sure he gets from one place to another (cafeteria, school bus) without running away. The IEP doesn’t seem to address other issues, though. He’s been held back once but is expected to do all the same work – including homework – as his classmates.
        I’m so sad to see my friend struggling, but at the same time I kind of want to shake her by the shoulders and wake her up. :(

    • gov't attorney :

      You may want to suggest she get in touch with her local Arc, which is a nationwide organization that advocates for individuals with developmental disabilities. As Selia mentioned, your area likely also has a Developmental Disabilities board or some other local council that meets regularly. Your friend will be able to meet other families who are dealing with similar issues and can get the support/direction she needs to find resources to help her.

    • Seattleite :

      Is she feeling overwhelmed? The depression rates among the parents of special-needs children are astonishing. High-functioning women hide depression well, and it tends to look a lot like “just not getting around to doing” stuff.

      • Ramon for this :

        Yes, Seattelite. She works full-time and basically runs the household and raises 3 kids solo (see above, re: hubby).

        When she had her most recent consultation with a psychiatrist about her son, the doctor recommended that (in addition to pursuing various treatments for her son) she start counseling for herself and consider antidepressants. She did neither. She’s one of the most generous people I’ve ever met, but refuses to accept any help from others.

        I appreciate the recommendations that other posters have made, but as far as I have seen the problem is not the lack of resources or her lack of awareness about them, but rather her refusal to make use of any of them. I guess there is no way I can force her to do something; I just have to support her as my friend and hope that she eventually realizes what she needs to do.

        • Seattleite :

          I think the important thing to remember is that when someone is clinically depressed, they’re not “refusing” to do things, even the important things. She may simply have *completely* maxed out her bandwidth. Do you have the type of relationship where you can offer to set up the therapy session (and the babysitter) for her?

          There is a lot of internal shame attached to depression. She may be refusing help because she feels that she should be able to do it alone. That is the depression talking. Please, try very hard not to judge her.

          • MD/DC observer :

            Ramon for this: Hugs for caring so much about your friend and her child with autism.
            Seattleite: Hugs to you for suggesting that Ramon for this arrange both the therapy session _and_ the babysitter.

            This is a hard one! Maybe your friend would be more receptive if the message of “I know it hurts to hear this, but your child really needs XYZ services” comes from another parent of a child with autism, or a child with other types of special needs, or a close onlooker (aunt, uncle, neighbor) to a child with autism or another disability? It also might be easier for your friend to hear your message if it’s phrased in terms of helping her child toward positive growth rather than in terms of her child being in such bad shape that XYZ must be started immediately.

            But again, Ramon for this, you’re being a good friend by caring and by sticking around. Maybe you could remind your friend that she can’t take care of her child or children unless she first takes good care of herself. As the flight attendants tell the passengers, if you’re travelling with a child, put on your oxygen mask before you help the child sitting next to you with his/her mask.

    • So I’m travelling and can only post on my phone and have no great advice. But I loved that you were “Ramon for this”and I had to say so!

    • Sounds like your friend is probably in a bad place emotionally.
      From my very different cultural background I feel my suggestions probably wouldn’t make the cut. However, perhaps searching around for some parent support groups online which could be a source of support to her, even with the cover of anonymity, might be useful. I was thinking along the lines of actually printing a few things out for her to read and pursue if interested.
      A lot depends on her and your relationship. Is it denial? Pride and shying away from ‘sympathy’? Ignorance? Sheer inability to cope? Likely a combination.
      Hugs to you for trying to help and sending good thoughts their way!

    • Oh, you should seriously be minding your own business here. Unless you can talk to your friend about your own experience as benefiting from one of those therapies you advocate, it’s not your place to decide what she ought to do with her own son, no matter what you perceive him to be. You can say you’d rather not see the whole family together because you can’t handle how the husband or child is behaving, that’s your prerogative. But you can’t just butt in to a difficult situation because you’ve read something about what they should do. If she hasn’t followed up on your previous recommendations, it’s probably because what you provided doesn’t suit somehow, in ways you don’t understand. Let up..

    • Anon for this :

      If it raises to the point of being educational neglect or medical needs neglect or if the father’s actions are abusive, you could report the situation to CPS. If it doesn’t then your take on the issue is personal opinion and you should let the child’s parents make the call- they are closest to the situation.

      Could you, in a non intrusive way, give her articles you find on the benefits of various interventions for Autism?

      I like the suggestion to help with babysitting and other tasks. She may just be overwhelmed. Caring for a child with Autism isn’t easy and it doesn’t sound like her husband is offering much support.

    • Mom of a 9 yo boy with high-functioning autism, aka Asperger’s syndrome, here.

      Before getting into what you should do, what are the boy’s symptoms/behaviors and what are the doctors recommending? What, specifically, is impacting their quality of life? What is unpleasant? Is he defiant? Obsessive? Sounds like there are some repetitive behaviors — how significant are they? What providers were recommened to the family? Psychologist? Psychiatrist? Developmental pediatrician? Neurologist?

      At 9 and with an IEP, speech therapy should come from the school. And medication … well, you don’t medicate specifically for autism. You determine what (IF ANY) symptoms or behaviors might benefit from meds and then consider treating those. And that’s only if the potential benefits outweigh the risks of the meds. Having looked into these meds pretty closely (and have one kiddo on them, though not my Aspie), they are serious stuff. It’s not a quick, easy decision and does not help every kid.

      There are also lots of groups out there, on-line and in-person, for moms with kids who are on the spectrum. I belong to a handful of them. If anything, joining a group may be the best first step for her, where she can get to know other parents, see what they are doing with their kids, etc.

      I’m happy to discuss this off-line if you’d like.

  18. What would you wear to a six year old’s bday party? How casual/dressy do these things tend to be as far as adults are concerned?

    PS: To all who so helpfully responded to my query earlier, I bought the doll and 3 books (including “Button Up! Wrinkled Rhymes,” which is so awesome I want to keep it for myself). I debated getting a more “grown-up” doll, but decided a promise is a promise and went with the “baby” doll that I promised my friend’s daughter in the first place. I will let you guys know if I made the right call Monday. Keep your fingers crossed for me :)

    • I have a 7 year old and jeans are generally the standard, with a cardigan or button down in my experience. Unless the party is billed as something else, I have not experienced a “dressy kid party”. I am in the midwest, so not sure if it is different elsewhere!

    • I think the dressiest you would go is a super casual dress with flats. But I’m in NYC and that’s pretty standard weekend wear in warmer months.

      • Thanks guys! It’s not in NYC, which is, in part, why I was wondering. I just didn’t know if jeans would be out of line. Also don’t want to be overdressed. I have attended very few of these in my adult life, if that’s not beyond obvious from the question.

    • I love that we know what to wear to work but are confused about leisure events. Wear what you like! That dress that feels too iffy for the office. Or whatever you feel like. There are no dress codes for children’s bday parties.

      • Haha, too true. I am thinking of wearing a dress with big red polka dots and very low wedges. My gut instinct is to just wear something that I am comforable in and that will appeal to children and won’t piss off any parents ;) Thanks!

        • That dress sounds very cute. If you remember, I’m the one who’s going to a 6-year-old’s birthday party at the American Girl doll store. It’s a tea. I think I have to wear a skirt or dress.

          Then the next day I have a christening and since I’m the godmother, I’ll be wearing another dress.

    • Something washable or that I dont care about getting frosting on…..

  19. Anon for This :

    I really need advice for this and I have nowhere else to turn.

    My sister just told me how miserable and unhappy she is. She is 26 and has been married for 5 years to an amazing guy who really loves and cares about her. However, throughout their entire marriage they have only had s*x 10-15 times, and only then after days of arguing and on her insistence. They didnt have s*x before marriage because she wanted to remain a v*rgin so she did not know of his problem. They didnt have sex on the wedding night, honeymoon, or any anniversary. He loves her and cares about her, and she him, but she can not take it anymore. She says he has no s*x drive or desire. Fwiw, neither I nor she think he is gay. She’s never seem him looking at p*rn or “helping himself” so it really seems as if he has no s*x drive. He refuses to see a doctor and thinks its just who he is. She’s threatened to leave him if he does not seek help and he says he’ll go to a doctor by never does. I am incredibly sad that she has been living like this and hasn’t told anyone. I am shocked because they just always seemed so happy and I can tell that he cares so much for her and he does take care of her every need. And she loves him but just cannot live like this anymore but has stayed with him because she’s so afraid she’ll end up alone an regret it. What advice can I give her? How can I console her? Has anyone experienced this with their SO?

    • ChocCityB&R :

      This is so heartbreaking, my heart goes out to your sister. It seems she’s going about things the right way, but not carrying them out. She should say that she is leaving if he doesn’t seek help, and if he doesn’t, she really should leave. Not necessarily for good, but getting her own apartment even if it’s just a month-to-month lease will show him that this is serious for her, and should be serious for him. It’s the only way when your partner is not taking something of this magnitude seriously, and refuses to seek help.

      Again, my heart goes out to your sister.

      • Anon for This :

        Thanks ChocCity. I told her this and offered that she can always come stay with DH & I but to make sure he knows it is a “serious separation.”

    • I am going to have to channel Dan Savage on this one and say it is not fair for him to expect her to give up this important part of herself and her identity for life. If he won’t even seek help for something that’s making his wife so miserable, I’d say he’s not actually an amazing guy who really loves and cares for her. I would advise her to get some s*x positive counseling on her own, consider options for a “monogamish” relationship, and perhaps pursue a trial separation, in that order.

      And I’m really sorry she’s in this situation. It’s awful when people are compatible in every way except for one, but this is too important to ignore.

      • karenpadi :

        Yep. This is Dan Savage’s specialty. I was in a similar situation (not quite as drastic). It was tempting to not end it because the relationship itself seemed good. But it’s not good. It’s awful, riddled in passive aggression, rejection, and contempt because one person feels like her needs aren’t being met and he feels inadequate.

      • Wholeheartedly agree.

      • Anon for This :

        I didn’t think about the counseling for herself. I suggested couples counseling and she is going to urge him to go with her. But I think you make a good point- ill bring it up with her

      • So true.

      • What if they were totally compatible in every way, but… he gambled all their common money away? Would it be OK then to try to fix the problem?
        I do think this business of marrying as a virgin (let’s forget the coy asterisks, shall we?) is dreadful. She could have avoided the whole situation if she hadn’t been led to believe that ignorance is good. So now that she’s here, she needs to figure things out better for herself. Clearly she hasn’t learned anything worthwhile about sex so far. If she’s going to improve the situation, she needs to find out more about the topic in general. If practicing with normal people isn’t something she wants right now, at least she ought to read about it from people who have more open attitudes. Dan Savage is an excellent recommendation.

    • ChocCityB&R :

      Oh and I forgot to add that your sister should be seeking help for herself as well. I’m sure this has done a number on her self esteem (not just feeling unsexy, but feeling unloved because husband won’t make a change for her.) In the end, it may be that they have substantially different sex drives and have to come to some sort of compromise (she has sex less than she wants, he has sex more than he wants, she seeks pleasure outside the relationship, he takes meds) or end the relationship. But if she’s not willing to walk, it may very well be that he will not ever be willing to change.

      And you should be supportive, lots of listening, little judgment, reminding her she’s a wonderful lovely person deserving of love etc…

    • Has your sister talked to him from the standpoint of “Why did you not share this part of who you are before marriage?”. Asking that might give her the final answer either way that she needs, rather than focusing on something he won’t (based on past actions) follow through on.

      • Anon for This :

        She did ask him this and his response was that his other relationships were normal. She doesn’t buy it. There’s a difference between low s*x drive and no s*x drive – she thinks he just never had any s*exual desire but he doesn’t realize its not “normal.”

      • Liar, liar, pants on fire!!

    • I come from the other side of that equation. I have almost no s*x drive. I could care less about s*x and have pretty much always been that way. However, I realize this is an important part of most relationships. Because of that I have started researching s*xual disorders and have spoken with my doctors. I think it may be easier to try to trigger s*x drives in men (a la Viagra) but I am not a doctor so . . . I also am in therapy trying to figure out if it’s a mental thing. My suggestion would be couples counseling with a therapist that specializes in s*xual issues. If he is not open to that she may have to make the tough decision to cut and run.

      • I agree with this advise. It seems like there must be a deeper issue involved other than low s*x drive. My s*x drive has gone down in recent years, but I still initiate and make sure my partner and I have that time together a couple times a month or more because I know it brings us closer. It sounds like he must have an actual aversion to s*x and that they both aren’t being forthright in talking about it for them to have been together so few times throughout their relationship. I think this is more than just about s*x. Counseling could be helpful.

    • Have they done any marriage counseling? There are s*x therapists who specialize in this kind of thing, but the fact that he won’t go to a doctor is also troubling. Maybe she could get him to go to a counselor to help him see how much this is affecting the marriage, and maybe then he’d be open to going to a doctor? Did he come from a strict religious/conservative/”don’t ask don’t tell” background regarding s*x? Some people think it’s dirty/sinful/whatever if they were brought up that way, and never manage to break that mentality once they get married. Your sister needs to help him understand that it’s not just a physical connection, it’s a mental, spiritual, and emotional connection, so by refusing to make an effort to figure out the problem, he’s hurting the other healthy/wonderful parts of their marriage.

    • My sister was married for 6 years and NEVER had s*xual intercourse with her husband. Yes, I’m dead serious. And even better, she had been a virgin when she married, so when she divorced him she was a 36 year old virgin.

      She had oral I believe, but nothing else because her husband never wanted to. I did not find this out until she was in the process of divorcing him, and was dumbfounded by it all. We never found out why he acted the way he did, but of course, my sister felt really terrible about the situation. I’m really sorry your sister is going through this, but she should not put up with this and should not stand by her husband if he is unwilling to get help. My sister is now happily remarried and has two beautiful children.

      • I’m glad you’re sister bounced back! What a horrible situation!!

      • Anon for This :

        Thanks Yup.- it truly helps to hear this. Did they ever seek counseling or medical advice? Although it’s sad to hear that it did not work out for them as a couple in the end, I’m so happy to hear she has found happiness. I only hope the same for my sister- I just don’t know if she has the strength to take that step.

        • Hi Anon for This, I think my sister tried to suggest counseling but her ex was not open to the idea. Also, unlike your brother in law, my sister’s ex was horrible in other ways. Ironically, the actual reason for their divorce stemmed from his emotional (and I suspect) physical abuse of my sister, and the no s*x was just on top of a lot of other crap.

          Her ex had been married once before and had a child through that marriage, and my mom always guessed that he didn’t want to have s*x with my sister because he was worried about having another kid (his first child is very sweet, but could be called “simple” by some for lack of a better term and my mom thinks he was scared to have another child of the same background). I truly don’t think the ex was/is gay, but I guess you never know.

          At the end of the day, after a lot of soul searching, my sister divorced him and later remarried about 2 years later. She is much, much happier and only regrets wasting so much of her life with her ex.

          I will also say that your sister’s situation is not as uncommon as you would think. I know two other women who have been through similar circumstances. In the first, the marriage was never consummated at all, and in the second the husband had equipment problems and could not physically consummate the marriage. Both ended in divorce.

          I wish your sister the very best of luck. Even if he is wonderful otherwise, the no s*x is a deal breaker unless he very actively and quickly seeks help.

    • MaggieLizer :

      Has she tried to explain that her needs are not being fulfilled in the relationship rather than just addressing how many times they have s*x? If he doesn’t have much of a s*x drive, it might be hard for him to understand how important a healthy s*x life is in a relationship. He’s probably just hearing her say “I’m mad because I’m h*rny and you’re not giving me any” rather than “I’m upset that you’re being dismissive and unsupportive of my needs.”

    • If he thinks this is just who he is, then I don’t think she’s going to get anywhere by telling him he’s wrong. He can’t be “fixed” if he doesn’t think there is anything wrong.

      If she has sat down to explain to him that s*x is an important part of a married relationship, that she wants more than what they’ve been having, and asked him what his thoughts are about it and he still won’t do anything, then she needs to accept that as his choice and either live with it or move on to another relationship. He could still love her and want the best for her, but not be the right partner for the rest of her life.

      As for her fear of being alone – is it really better than what she has right now? At least if she is single, she can start looking for someone that suits her better. And has maybe learned something about what to discuss before getting married?

    • His hormone levels may be off. My guy’s drive really increased after he learned during a doctor’s appointment that his testosterone level was too low. A blood test and some pills made him feel much better.

      • Anon for This :

        I hope that there is a medical “fix” for his problem. But I doubt that it would help only because it doesn’t seem like his s*x drive has decreased but that it just doesn’t exist. If you don’t mind me asking, did your DH have a very decreased s*x drive? And how was he able to get his diagnosis of low T levels.

        • He did but he sucked it up for my sake. He had his swimmers (hate that term but trying not to get moderated) tested when I wasn’t getting pregnant. When we learned that his stuff was low quality, my RE sent him to a urologist where we learned of his low T levels. We had never thought of that before but he has felt much more frisky since the meds regulated his T levels.

          • Anon for This :

            Thanks Anon. It just really drives home how important it is that he atleast be open to seeing a doctor.

    • My former situation was not quite the same but similar. My ex had “equipment problems” and he had them from the beginning of our rekindling the relationship (we had been involved when I was in college and there were no problems then). I would ask him if he had spoken to his doctor about it and he said that he did and that there wasn’t anything physically wrong. He also told me it hadn’t been a problem in other relationships (which I don’t buy). At one point, we had a blow-up about it and he said it was psychological and I told him that he needed therapy. Yeah and he was a psychologist. Well, that certainly came back up and thrown in my face (years later) when we were splitting up. What I should have said was that we should go to couples counseling together. Live and learn. I can say that incompatibility of s*x drives was one of several things that killed our marriage. It sounds like your sister and her husband have a good relationship otherwise. It’s sad because I think this can be a dealbreaker.

    • There was a “Dr. House” episode about this…and of course House cured him.

      Sorry, not trying to be flip but he needs a doc. And I’m glad your sister has you. You’re a good sister.

    • anon for this :

      I’m guessing your sister is a Christian due to the no sex before marriage thing? I would definitely look into therapy and, realistically, gently moving your sister towards a divorce. I know many many “straight” Christian married-at-21 guys who are now in their 30s and gay. They never “seemed” gay but they are all happily divorced. It’s likely that this will never resolve. She is only 26. She has no kids (?) She needs to cut her losses and move on.

      Also, your letter radiates with admiration for this man. I’m not your sister but even I’m finding it irritating. If he is refusing to go to therapy, refusing to discuss this and refusing to have sex, he is not being a good husband. Full stop. He is not “taking care of her every need” either, is he? In fact he’s clearly leaving many of her needs unfulfilled. The truth is that you don’t really know anything about their relationship. And your clear bias (in favor of the relationship) may be one reason why. Please, just take her side. She needs you to be 100% on her side. Not on the side of her marriage or her “husband”. Stop praising a man who is doesn’t care that she is “miserable” or “willing to leave” and start caring about your sister.

      Sorry if this seems harsh but your comments really trigger me. I grew up in church and I’ve watched so many young women encouraged up the aisle into unhappy and even abusive relationships based on “helpful counseling” like this. “I know how much he loves you” etc etc. Many married before age 21 and many were divorced before they hit their mid 20s. I know of at least 2 outright annulments (marriage never consummated at all).

      I know that there are many relationships which deal with libido incompatibility, for a number of reasons. Some work and some don’t. But based on my experience, if they are Christians who married early, then she should walk now.

      • Check out Asexual Visibility and Education Network – http://www.asexuality.org/home/ it may be a useful link to possibly explain your sister’s hubby’s behavior

      • Anon for This :

        Not harsh at all. I want to just be there for my sister and be as supportive as I can. I didn’t realize that my agreeing about what a wonderful guy her husband is not helping. Fwiw, brother-in-law and I are really close but wonderful friend does not equal wonderful husband. Thanks for putting this in perspective. It’s just so hard to say and do the right thing because I am still shocked.

        • anon for this... again :

          Yeah, you sound like a great sister and you obviously mean well and want the best for her. But yeah, your friendship with him has to take that back seat to your sister’s welfare. Your sister may want permission to be angry with her husband – justifiably – for refusing to deal with this and putting her in this position. Blind reasonableness on your part may undermine her own ability to ask for what she wants or even leave if it comes to it.

          She needs your support and right now I would take a stance that you should be saying nothing positive about him. She should say positive things if she likes and you can affirm them but you should never compliment him unsolicited. It’s really not about him, it’s about your sister. There will be enough people and pressures telling your sister to compromise and stick around, she needs people on her side.

          FWIW, my older sister nearly married a guy who was a great friend and who we grew up with and all loved… who I found out as an adult is an “ex-gay”. He went to religious conversion therapy and now identifies as “not gay”. He is married to another woman now with a child. My parents knew about this and support this kind of “treatment”. At the time, we – her younger sisters knowing nothing about it – really really wanted them to be together and said so – repeatedly. It was a big mistake on our part but I credit her that once she found out about his orientation, she ended the relationship immediately against all of the advice from family and friends. If we were older sisters and had more power, would we, along with our parents, have pushed her to make what would have been a huge mistake? Now my attitude is that the institution of marriage has enough champions. I owe my loyalty only to my sister.

      • Not a Christian, but come from a religious and traditional background. When my sister was going through all of her issues with her ex (see my post above), I can’t tell you the number of people who told her to just live with it, that her ex would eventually come around, that “everything would be ok once they had kids.” Um…he never wanted to have s*x so how could they have kids?? It was so infuriating. So many women put up with so much crap.

    • I hear you that he’s refused to go to a doctor before, but there are real medical problems, like pituitary adenomas, that can seriously affect sex drive, particularly in men. They can also affect other things if they go untreated, so if there’s any way to get him screened by a doctor…

    • Get out now :

      My thoughts in no particular order:

      * he is not “taking care of her every need” because physical intimacy within a marriage is a need and he is not doing it. (Cultural aside: Jewish law defines a wife’s three basic rights as food, clothing and sex and a husband must ensure that sex is pleasurable for his wife. Not doing so is grounds for divorce. This is old-time Judaism, FWIW.)

      * i wonder if he lied about his interest in sex before the wedding so that your sister would marry him? It’s one thing to wait until you are married to have sex; it is something else entirely to not tell your future spouse that you never want to have sex.

      * Sex is an important part of a marriage. Your sister’s marriage is not complete without it. At 26 and without kids, she is PLENTY young enough to find her soulmate and a happy, fulfilling marriage. That has to be better than the prospect of the rest of her life with this guy.

      * At 39, I almost married someone with a similar attitude toward his sexuality. I have written about it here before. We had dated about a year and had pre-marital sex, which was good, but not excellent. There were many things he would not do for me, although I did them for him. Then, after months of couples counseling, we broke up for several months. When we got back together, he was not physical at all. At all. After a few weeks, he sat me down for a big, serious discussion. He confided that the only sex in which he was interested was v*ginal int*rcourse with no f*replay ever. Ever. He knew this would not be satisfying for me. He wanted my permission to do it for himself and not for me. For the rest of our lives. “Because in every other way we have the perfect relationship.” I walked away. Not two years later (at 40), I met my now husband. The difference between the two relationships is like the difference between the black and white portions and the living color portions of Wizard of Oz. Brilliant and stark. A long winded way of saying she should get out now while the getting is good. It will be bad for a while. And then one day it will be spectacular and she will wonder why she ever put up with it.

      * The church folk who say your sister should suck it up and it will get better later or some such should mind their own business. She is only on this earth for so many years. They should be happy ones.

    • AnotherAnon :

      In response to his saying he’ll see a doctor but not following through, one thing your sister could try is making an appointment and accompanying him to it. It’s possible he’s too embarassed to seek help. If he still refuses, then it sounds like she’s headed into deal-breaker territory.

      I went through something like this with an ex-boyfriend. He was a really wonderful guy, someone I deeply cared about. But he had some serious hang-ups about s*x. After several encounters that seemed “off,” including one in which he couldn’t perform, at all, I asked him what was up. He told me he thought s*x is something only animals should do, and humans are too enlightened for it. I ended it. FWIW, he’s now married and has kids with his wife. Though when I heard that she conceived through IVF, I really really wondered what’s going on. I hope, for her sake, that he changed.

  20. Sugar High :

    Due to a combination of poor planning on my part and an extremely busy day so far, I forgot to bring food for breakfast/lunch and have had no time to grab anything, and am thus subsisting on the treats provided for a coworker’s retirement party. Things I’ve consumed so far today: two donuts and a slice of cake.

    My body is literally hating me right now – I promise to clean up my act tomorrow!

    • SF Bay Associate :

      Having been in your situation before, I now keep a jar of Jif in my desk, and a cache of plastic spoons, plus a costco-pack of Luna bars.

    • This is why I have a food drawer. I try and keep fairly healthy items stashed away (granola bars, peanut butter, almonds) in addition to the quick pick me ups (chocolate, namely).

      • Sugar High :

        I used to have a food drawer, but I cleaned it out recently because most of the stuff was expired/didn’t appeal to me. I’m definitely regretting that I didn’t replenish my supplies BEFORE getting rid of stuff. I’ll be heading to the store on Monday AM to stock up!

      • Isn’t peanut butter loaded with calories and mostly fat? And high salt? Sorry just trying to clarify because with a persuasive argument in favour, I’d add it to my food drawer!

    • Happy Anon :

      How do you manage to keep food in your office!? Clearly a weird problem of mine (I don’t have a weight issue) but if I buy a box of granola bars or keep snacks stored in my office I inevitably eat them ALL. Just because they are there. No joke, when I was on trial working like crazy once I had a giant tub of peanuts in my office and I ate so many of them in one night that I triggered a mild peanut allergy! Oops. But seriously – how do you keep yourself from digging into your snack stash unnecessarily?

      • I think individually wrapped things could help–I know I can limit my intake of granolar bars better than I can a big bag of trail mix or chex mix (for example…)–but I’m in a similar boat.

      • I keep my snacks in a locked cabinet and (unless there are extenuating circumstances) I only open it during what is, for me, snack time (between 3:00 and 4:00). Also, I try to keep foods that I will eat (granola bars, rice cakes) but not things that are so tasty that I will overeat.

      • No joke. I also eat anything in site. After polishing off a whole bag of chips and a box of cereal I started giving leftovers to my assistant to “hide” for me until the next day. I’m not so desperate to go digging through her drawers and it worked. I just don’t like to do that on a regular basis because it would probably bug her and make me seem childish. I hear ya though. I can eat a bag of chips and a box of cereal and still be hungry.

      • Happy Anon – Are you eating full, legitimate meals outside the office? If you’re eating a full breakfast (lean protein, fiber, and whole grain), and the same for lunch, then you won’t eat an entire bag of Doritos or peanuts or whatever.

        How do I avoid eating all the snacks I can reach? By filling up first on healthy, full meals. And cutting back on sugar, which always makes you want more sugar.

      • Yeah, I would love to have a food drawer at work for the days that I legitimately forget my lunch or work later than planned and need a snack, but when I’ve tried to do that it has turned into my boredom snack drawer. Right there with you, I just don’t have the self control to have snacks in arm’s reach.

  21. Does anyone have experience with Dorothy Perkins clothes? How’s the sizing? (especially for smaller sizes or petites?) How’s the customer service?

    • LinLondon :

      This may be 100% useless, because I’m tall and large:
      I shop there relatively frequently, though only their (non-ugly) dresses and jeans. The big thing to note about sizing is that I really, really think that most UK clothing retailers get their US size conversions wrong. For example, I’m a UK 16 on top, which DP has listed as a US12. I’d say I’m more between a US 14 and 16 on top, and definitely not a 12. My friend is an 8 UK and tends to wear a 6 US (not 4, as the site says), so I think it’s a similar problem in smaller sizes, too. So, I would recommend ordering one UK size smaller than the site says.

      I have a very wonky waist-to-hip ratio and their jeans are my favorite in the world, so if you’re hippy with a smaller waist, then I highly recommend the jeans, even if they’re a bit on the cheap side.

  22. anybody else doing Tough Mudder this weekend?!

  23. Lotto ticket in Boston :

    My mom has called me no less than three times to buy a lotto ticket. Never bought one before. Where to buy a lotto ticket in downtown Boston? Tried searching online for a list of retailers and got nothing. Ideas?

  24. I have an event to go to this spring, and the dress code was just announced as “summer cocktail attire.” I am also sun-sensitive, and the gala is outside, and the sun won’t have set when it starts, so I’m not sure what to do. Big floppy hat doesn’t scream cocktail attire to me, and I haven’t seen a cute parasol… anyway, my questions are:
    (1) what is “summer cocktail” attire? materials, cuts, etc?
    (2) what do men wear? regular tuxes? seersucker? linen?
    (3) how do I deal with the sun?

    Please help! And thank you!

    • Maybe lily pulitzer’s dresses if it starts during the day?

    • If it were me . . .
      I would wear a knee-length silk sheath dress from Boden (probably one with a small, pretty floral print), nude patent wedge peep-toes, big sunglasses and a structured broad-brimmed straw hat. I agree that it would be better to go structured vs. floppy on the hat. Try Helen Kaminski or Eric Javits.

      For me, IMHO, no tuxes outside in daylight. Nor any black/dark suits for men. I think linen or seersucker would be ideal. Think Gatsby/Ralph Lauren/Nantucket/J. Crew in the olden days. Another option — the navy blazer over khaki or white or cream trousers. If east coast, guys might be able to do leather boat shoes.

      • For inspiration, you might try to find pictures from any of the benefits/galas that they have in places like the New York Botanical Gardens — I’m thinking the NYT Sunday society page photos — or just run Google images on “garden party.”

        Or, if you want to go big, Google images on “Royal Ascot”!

  25. This morning as a treat to myself after a rough Thursday, I had my hair professionally blown out before coming into work. I’m in NYC and made an early appointment at Drybar in the Parker Meridien. The blowout took a half hour, cost $40, was fantastically done, and has made my outlook on Friday awesome. The experience has been so positive (I know, so vain) that I’m considering getting this done weekly on Mondays (I can usually make these last 3 or 4 days as my hair is very dry). What do you guys think? Does anyone else do this?

    • I go to the same drybar! I LOVE it. I probably go once every two weeks or so … usually on Fridays so I look great for the weekend. If I could afford it, I’d go twice a week!

    • Happy Anon :

      I’ve been dying to try out that Drybar but for some reason am nervous about it!! Never had a blowout before – low maintenance blonde beachy hair thing didn’t matter as a student but now I feel the need to “match” my prof wardrobe a bit more. Any tips on “style” or what lingo to use!? I know that sounds dorky but…I’m a blow out v*rgin.

      • drybar makes it easy — they have a style book, so you just flip through the pictures and tell them which one you want. it’s online if you want to check it out. I usually get the manhatta (straight) or straight up (straight but with a little body/curls/waves at the ends)

    • I have an appointment there this Monday! Glad to hear about your good experience. Was the appointment really only 30 minutes?

      I totally think you should make this a weekly thing.

      • Mine usually runs over to about 45 minutes because i hav really thick hair…depending on the time of day, they can be running 15 min behind schedule

      • Yes! Maybe 35 minutes max. My appointment was early enough in the morning that there was no wait. And while my hair is thick and shoulder-length, it blow dries straight pretty easily. I got the “straight up” look that CMJNYC mentioned, which is just a blow dry and not finished with a curling iron, so even faster because of that.

    • Sounds awesome! I wish we had something similar in DC.

    • not in NYC, but I too pink puffy heart Drybar. Makes my day, week, weekend, whatever. If I could go every week, I would, but I think I work out too much to make it worthwhile.

    • Migraine Sufferer :

      The WAC in Seattle offers this as a courtesy after workouts.

Add a comment.

Questions? Check out our commenting policy. Tech problems? Please report it to the tech team.