Tuesday’s TPS Report: Alimo C. Aglow Tweed

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Theory Jacket - Alimo C. Aglow TweedI’m not sure how I feel about the matching skirt and dress for this suit jacket (both of which would look more appropriate on a 9 year old, if anyone) — but this jacket is fabulous. I always love a good black and white tweed, and I like the thin black zipper running up to the top. The collarless, fitted style looks flattering and classic. The jacket is $415 at Bloomingdale’s. Theory Jacket – Alimo C. Aglow Tweed

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Comments

  1. That may be the shortest suit skirt I have ever seen. Egads.

    • Tired Squared :

      Yeah, that is pretty awful.

      • Merabella :

        I literally gasped out loud at the shortness of that skirt.

        • I clicked over there thinking, they MUST be exaggerating. Those prudes.

          And then I gasped.

          • It was definitely a pearl-clutching moment for me.

            Though I’m a self-admitted prude when it comes to shortness of skirts/lowness of tops. You can imagine how horrified I was.

          • MaggieLizer :

            I had the same reaction. I thought, well maybe it will be OK on 5’2″ me. But then I clicked on the picture and, gasp! The horror! Where are my smelling salts??

          • Constance Justice :

            Same here! I’m 5’0″, so I thought that maybe I might find a skirt that didn’t need much hemming. I almost spit out my coffee laughing at my desk!

          • Same. Though I saw one shorter (or at least didn’t go as high for the waist) while out shopping a few months ago. The skirt didn’t show beneath the jacket. I loved the jacket, but I couldn’t understand the skirt.

            The worst thing is that there is someone out there who thinks this is a good idea and another someone who will buy and wear it.

          • I actually said “Oh my gosh!” Out loud. My secretary asked if something was wrong. =)

    • Yeah the dress is cute, but also short. The skirt is just unbelievable.

      • I actualy love it, but my tush would show to much. FOOEY.

        But I have a ThreadJACK: Has any one in the HIVE ever tried pole dancing?

        I am serius. I saw this advertised on TV and on a reality show. AND, the before and after photos are AWSOME! Acording to the show, it looks efforteless, but requires hand-eye coordenation, upper body strength, and great cardiovasceular health. I am sure I will NEVER be a ROCKETTE, but this sound’s great for me.

        If it is TRUE that ONLY one sesion of pole dancing can burn up to 400 calories, help tone up saggeing muscles, and increase flexebility, this is exactely what we profesional ladie’s in the hive need b/c we sit on our tush’s all day.

        Who has expereince doing this? Is there a place in Manhattan or Brooklyn any one recomends? I think this could be SO good for me before I go next month to the Hamtons.

        • OH PISHAW, Ellen, stop pulleing our legs.

        • Actually, pole dancing fitness classes are a huge trend, both here in the states and in China. They are similar to barre in that you use your body weight to work on toning a variety of muscle groups at once. Can’t recommend a place in the NYC to try-out but if you’re interested in this type of work-out, I’m sure its out there.

          But you might also try barre, as I think the type of workout is similar.

          • Sorry, Ellenwatch has requested references.

            First of all, here’s the info about it being a huge trend in CHina (at least in 2008).

            http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/25/world/asia/25pole.html

            And I will post in a separate link in case of moderation, but I found a link to what looks like a popular pole gym in NYC.

          • http://bodyandpole.com/about-us/the-studio/

            Seriously, supposedly pole dancing is a great workout. I’ve known people who’ve done it as a “bachelorette” activity, but its also supposed to be fun as a non-s*xy just plain hard work out. And you don’t have to do it in heels.

          • Darn, didn’t avoid moderation.

            website is b*dyandp*le [dot] com

            Seriously, supposedly pole dancing is a great workout. I’ve known people who’ve done it as a “bachelor*tte” activity, but its also supposed to be fun as a non-s*xy just plain hard work out. And you don’t have to do it in heels.

          • And just in case anyone thinks this is just some east coast godless hippy liberal thing.

            http://theweek.com/article/index/213443/pole-dancing-for-jesus

            (Though I guess I question the you know, biblical and scriptural basis here.)

          • Oh Ellen, I will indulge. Pole dancing is a GREAT, and FUN workout! And it is no JOKE– the upper body strength and core strength required for those moves that the dancers make look “effortless” are incredible. It would be perfect for getting in shape for the HAMTONS.

            It’s a huge trend here in DC — there are several gyms that offer classes but one of the best ones is called Pole Pressure and is right in the middle of downtown, where all the government lawyers can ESCAPE during their lunch break for the 12:30 classes every weekday afternoon. So next time you have to come to DC on business, make sure to check it out!

        • Feed the troll :

          I bet you could get THIS one reimbursed from your boss. You should try to get it approved.

      • Same. Like the dress, but it’s too short to wear to work. The skirt is–wow. I was sure everyone was exaggerating, but seriously, it’s ridiculous. Maybe tweed is the new on-trend clubwear item.

      • I love the style of that dress…so sad it’s so short. :(

    • Ally McBeal :

      I’m not really seeing the problem here.

    • The best you can say about that skirt is that at least the zipper is concealed.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Three words on the skirt:

      What.

      The.

      He!!?

    • anon prof :

      It’s like Ally McBeal!

  2. That skirt and dress are frighteningly shirt, considering that Theory is the go-to choice for workwear for so many women (myself included). Bizarre.

  3. Catherine :

    From yesterday’s nervous bar handwriter, I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who responded! I feel so much better now, and reassured and more prepared and now I am going pen shopping and it will be great. But really, getting great advice and supportive helpful words from so many of you has made me think that maybe handwriting the bar is a GOOD thing! And I didn’t think that was possible yesterday morning :) I love corporette.

    • I missed yesterday’s post, but I also handwrote my bar exams (in 2007/2008, two separate states). I handwrote all my law school exams so I stuck with what worked–and it worked again. Just do what you’re comfortable with. Technology hates me, so handwriting worked for me. You can do it! :) More positive vibes your way :)

    • I missed the thread yesterday too. I hand-wrote the CA bar in 2005 (and passed!).

      FWIW, do all your practice tests handwritten. Write on every other line and only on one side of the paper. If your hand gets tired and your writing gets sloppy, write bigger. Go pen shopping. I used a pilot pen of some kind. The rubber-grip-thing is your friend.

      The testing room was nice and quiet, no clicky-clacky keys and no “my computer doesn’t work” drama.

      I don’t regret handwriting the Bar at all.

    • Thirded. I handwrote the exam, too.

      Sure, I can type faster than I write. But I found that timing on essays was a smaller problem than trying to throw everything possible in there, including irrelevant issues. So slowing down my writing is actually better.

    • I handwrote one and typed one, passed both. Really don’t think they’re any different since the software limits your computer almost to typewriter status.

  4. Probably most of you have seen this in the news already, but you can watch the transit of Venus across the sun (not to occur again in our lifetimes!) starting at 5:45 this evening at the NASA website: www dot nasa dot gov).

    Or you can get solar glasses from somewhere and watch it live…does anyone know where you can buy solar glasses? I don’t know any welders whose goggles I can borrow.

  5. Super anon for this :

    Quick threadjack:
    So what I thought was just irregular periods and occasional inability to manage my body temperature has actually turned out to be early onset menopause. This wouldn’t be so bad were I not in my mid-twenties. I’m kind of freaking right now-I’m not sure if I want kids but now I’m not sure that I don’t and I can’t, for the life of me, figure out how to tell potential partners or anyone else that I’m now infertile before kids were ever really an option for me. I’m not sure why I’m putting this here, maybe hoping for advice on how to bring up the issue? I’m just not ready to tell anyone I know IRL yet.

    • I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

      I don’t think you need to tell anyone anything yet. Wait till you are comfortable discussing this. And as for potential suitors, this is not first date conversation anyway. Imagine if you went out with a guy for dinner and he just said, “so I thought you should know, I shoot blanks.” It’s not something you bring up at the outset anymore than you would mention your burning desire to have a baby, like, tomorrow.

      This sucks but it doesn’t mean the end of your life; even if you decide to have kids, there are other options.

      Also, because you’re so young, I would just go see a specialist/other doctor. Make sure your diagnosis is the correct one and that nothing else is behind this. These things are complicated and are sometimes misdiagnosed.

    • I’m sure you’re still reeling from the diagnosis, but have you thought about freezing your eggs? If that’s possible, you might be able to have kids later.

      So sorry this is happening to you.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I am so so sorry. There’s no need to tell anyone you know yet – it’s okay to take some time to process the information for yourself. Is there any sort of either treatment plan to slow the progression, or egg freezing option available to you? I would also look into some talk therapy to help you process this diagnosis.

      I think it’s important to know you aren’t alone. Many women struggle with infertility in their twenties, for a variety of reasons. A good friend had to have her ovaries removed (due to cancer) at age 23. She chose to have her eggs frozen to preserve as many options as possible in the future. But to my mind, you don’t need to bring it up with romantic partners until it is serious. If having kids completely naturally is a dealbreaker (when really, there are SO many options today, from surrogacy, donor eggs, adoption, etc) he’s not the right guy.

    • Anonsensical :

      I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this! I don’t think you have to approach things any differently than you would without the diagnosis, though. If random nosy people ask you if you plan to have children, you can say anything from “No” to “Why would you ask me that?” to “I haven’t decided” to “I may not be able to,” all of which would be valid responses under any circumstances. As far as potential partners go, well, the kid question is something that has to be discussed and decided in any long-term relationship, but it doesn’t need to come up in relationships that aren’t headed down the long-term path. Personally, I don’t want children and my husband was ambivalent about it, so we’re not having them and it’s totally not an issue. If he’d really wanted kids, maybe it would’ve been a dealbreaker and maybe not. Every relationship will be different, so don’t worry about having a plan for dealing with something that may or may not ever become an issue down the road. Just take things one day at a time and relax.

    • Anony regular poster :

      Hi regular poster anonymous.

      I’m also a regular poster. I’m also in my mid to late twenties and for biological reasons can’t have children. When I met my now husband that wasn’t quite SO clear but as we dated and certainly as we headed towards engagement it was becoming pretty clear. And before we got engaged we had agreed that if/when we decided to have kids, we were going to go another route. Whatever that route might be (adoption, surrogacy, fostering, not having kids…)

      Here’s the thing, you have to get past the idea that you being possibly infertile means that you would be sentencing every man you date to a lifetime of childlessness. Because it doesn’t. And you know what, every woman COULD be infertile. Its a risk we all take going into a relationship. If anything, the man that chooses to be lucky enough to marry you, goes in knowing that if you two decide to have kids, it might be a bit harder, but you’ll figure it out together. The cards will be on the table. Whereas, when a couple marries thinking that having children will be easy and then its hard unexpectedly, I think that’s actually much worse.

      As to when to bring it up. I’d bring it up around the same time one might bring up whether you want kids at all. Which is certainly not the first date, or even necessarily the tenth. this is part of a “we’re getting serious now and this is something you should know about me.” And if he runs for the hills, well then, you’re well rid of him.

      • just Karen :

        I think the responses others have posted are fantastic, so I won’t repeat everything, but wanted to add this: without downplaying the many negatives to this diagnosis, there are many many men out there who would be THRILLED at the idea of a young, healthy partner who doesn’t have periods and won’t accidentally get pregnant. Yes, one avenue of having children is closing, and it is totally okay to take some time to mourn that, but there are lots of other routes to creating a family, all of which will only happen when and if you are ready for them to.

    • I’m sorry you’re going through this. I had a similar freakout over some fertility-impeding lady problems in my mid-20s. It’s hard to all of a sudden be smacked with the reality that you can’t take your ability to have kids for granted. But as others have mentioned, you still have options, and you don’t need to tell anyone until you are comfortable. Big virtual hugs to you!

      Also, I’m curious whether you’ve ever had your chromosomes mapped (not that people do this without a good reason), because “metafemales” who have 3 X chromosomes often have no symptoms until early menopause. Since this is hereditary, it might be valuable information to pass on to your potential future biological daughters – or to your younger sisters if you have them.

    • I’m so sorry to hear this. Give yourself time to (a) process and (b) talk to a reproductive endocrynologist to find out what your options really are.

      I did want to share my perspective from the “other side” though. I married someone who I knew was infertile. We were both in our 20s at the time. I can honestly say that I never considered not marrying him because of infertility. I knew that he was the person I wanted as a partner, and he was who I wanted to be a parent with. That our journey to that end might be bumpier than most was just the price of admission and it was a small price to pay (in the cosmic sense — unfortunately it was a very high price in the bank account sense).

      That said, from my perspective, I think you have to expect that whomever you tell will need to go through their own grieving process. One of the hardest things for me was to realize that I might not have the opportunity to see my partner’s traits and quirks in our children — the little things you love about them like a crooked smile or something. That takes time to process, and to the degree you are able, try not to let that shake your belief that if you are with the right person, they are grieving for what they won’t get to share with you, but will soon focus again on what an incredibly small part of the big picture it is.

    • Infertile, Too :

      Hey,

      I’m in my early 20s and am also most likely infertile. It isn’t due to early menopause but rather a totally different issue with my reproductive system. However, I think I can help with the realization/acceptance process a bit.

      If you want to talk at any point, let me know – my anon email is below.

      I think it is important to realize that this in no way impacts your value as a person or a woman. As others have said, there are many infertile women out there. Beyond that, however, you are the same you that you were yesterday and will be tomorrow.

      If you are debating having children, I would suggest having your eggs frozen, as others have mentioned. I’ve debated just getting my tubes tied, since I figure that I can’t have children anyways – but I haven’t, since there is the possibility of having them.

      I second the suggestion to see another specialist. With any big, life changing diagnosis, it is a good idea to get a second opinion (no matter how much you know and trust your doctor) – especially when you are so young.

      About telling people in a relationship – it’s you choice whether you do. I definitely don’t see it as an issue until you are at the point of discussing children.

      Like I said, feel free to contact me anytime about it: [email protected]

    • soulfusion :

      I don’t have anything new to add beyond what has already been said but I can relate. I’m older than you – in my 30s – but I don’t have kids and due to cancer treatment I may not be able to have children as my period has not returned and the body temperature issues and other menopause symptoms are rough (but I’m told those are mostly connected to the hormone therapy I’m on). I am single and always assumed I would have children so I froze some eggs before chemo to leave that door open somewhat in the future. I can’t imagine how the conversation would progress during which I would disclose that I’ve frozen eggs to a potential partner but I feel it is one of those issues you feel your way through (comes up organically or purposefully when the possibility of children are discussed) and if the other person can’t accept it (although grieving the loss would be normal as someone else mentioned), he is likely deficient in what I would deem essential empathy necessary for a successful partnership. big hugs to you!

  6. Regular poster - but who knows who reads this, so anon... :

    Yesterday has to have been one of the absolute worst days ever. The mother of one of my closest childhood friends passed away, and just in case that didn’t hurt enough for me on my own, plus being there for her, I am now involved in the most ridiculous office drama I can imagine.

    For some reason one of my colleagues, about my age but junior to me in the office, has been targeting me. Not in a SH kind of way, but for whatever reason any aggression he has or stress or whatever he has, he takes out on me. This has been going on for a few weeks now (maybe even months by now), but I’ve been trying to be extra-nice to him, hoping it would work out on its own. The other evening he threw a fit in front of two other colleagues about me, saying that I slack off, don’t do my work, that he has to cover for me, and so on and so forth. Oh, and add some colorful language in there. This comes to my attention yesterday morning (right before the news about my friend), and I realize I now have to do something about this, because if he’s running his mouth off, I can’t have him spreading lies about me that can negatively impact my career and people’s respect for me.
    I speak with some people who have been involved in the situation and who I trust to get advice about what to do and it seems I really have to discuss with him face to face. So I, calmly, ask him to talk. We go into a conference room. He proceeds to yell at me and curse at me, at which point I get up because I do NOT have to stand for that, and we go into one of the offices of someone else, more senior, who has also been involved in all of this. He still says all of this to my face in front of her, only with some less language. We’re not getting anywhere so eventually I give up and tell him I will be professional towards him and show him every professional courtesy and that’s it, and I leave and go to my office (and cry – I know, broke a rule, but maaaaan, plus I already cried that day because of the other thing).
    I don’t understand – and I’ve analyzed this from many perspectives with the other people involved (I’m not spreading this), and there’s absolutely no validity in anything he is saying and I have absolutely no idea why he is targeting me. He has some issue and it’s just focused on me. It’s terrible. I’ve never been so disliked. I’ve never experienced anything close to this. Honestly, and I do hesitate to use this word but still, I feel victimized by him. And I don’t want to bring this up the chain, because I don’t want to be flagged as that girl – I’ve never had problems with my work or with my co-workers, and I don’t want people to think that I do have those problems. Today for the first time ever, no matter how stressed I’ve been or sleep-deprived, or whatever, I have ever been, was the first day I have ever dreaded coming to my office. Any advice or commiseration would be appreciated. Has anyone ever been unfairly targeted before? Ever had issues with junior males who have issues with you? How did you deal? Other impossible office situations?

    • Do you directly work with or supervise this guy? If so, I think this absolutely has to go up the chain – and it won’t reflect badly on you, it will reflect badly on him.

      I cannot, in any scenario, imagine that a superior with some authority will tolerate this guy literally throwing fits and swearing about his colleagues, male or female. Especially if this guy is actually new to the company or profession, and not just junior to you (which is unclear from your post). And, as your post seems to suggest, especially if none of the things he says are at all true.

      Of course, this is also a KYO situation. Can you go to the person who witnessed the last fit he threw in front of you and ask what s/he would do? What about going to your other contacts in the office who suggested you talk to him face-to-face? They should have a better feel on how management handles these kinds of conflicts.

    • Wow. I’m not really sure what to say. Did the senior person not say anything when she observed his behavior? I think you do have to move this up the food chain. I also think it’s sad that you are worried about your career when he is the one who is behaving extremely unprofessionally. Or is yelling at colleagues and using profanity generally accepted around your office?

      I think there are two ways to go about this. One is to avoid him when possible, if not, avoid being alone with him if you think his temper will escalate to physical threats. The other is to push back – calmly but firmly interject when he pauses for breath that you do not understand what he is talking about and if he would calm down and cease the personal attacks, you’d be happy to help him out with whatever is troubling him. I’d still avoid being alone with him when you do this.

      Honestly, this may not be the best advice because I’ve never really dealt with a situation like this (annoying backstabbing co-workers, sure, but not outright aggressive and hostile). I’m sure others here will have better advice, but I just wanted to say something. So sorry that everything seems to be piling on you right now.

    • I’m sorry you are going through both of these situations. One thing to remember (but easier said than done) is that you cannot control how this colleague acts, you can only control how you react to him. So above all, make sure that you remain calm and collected rather than getting to his level.

      I’m curious how the other people in your office reacted to his outbursts? Were they surprised at his accusations or did they show the least bit of agreement about his complaints? Just something to think about as you try to figure out whether there are things you need to address in your current work / work style or whether this is just some issue he has with you that was not provoked. Hope it gets better.

    • I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I have had to deal with a male colleague whom I supervised (but who was senior to me in years). He recently retired and I am incredibly relieved because I know that the projects we’re working on now would have been h*ll with him here. He would have second-guessed my every decision. He called me names, told me I was stupid and incompetent, questioned my decisions loudly, screamed at me on the phone, etc., etc. But I was never supposed to question anything he ever did or even give him constructive feedback. It got so bad that I did not even attend his retirement party. I couldn’t be hypocritical.

      You are being victimized by him. He is a bully. You need to find a way to nip this in the bud or he could make your otherwise good work life miserable. Being nice to him obviously isn’t working. Keep your behavior entirely professional but find a way to stop it. Only you can know how you might accomplish that, but it sounds like his supervisor (or yours) needs to know what’s going on.

    • Seattleite :

      If this happens again, assert control before he gets too far along with the yelling: “STOP. I will not tolerate yelling or abusive language. Go back to your office until you are calm. Come back when you can discuss this rationally.” (Note the power in sending him away, and in certain word choices.) Then, insist that he discuss specifics rather than feelings. When did he have to cover for you? (Was that really necessary, or did he just feel anxious and do it?) Are you slacking off? (Does he even get to evaluate you?)

      It’s really important to separate his bad behavior from your work performance. Refuse to engage him unless he can talk about this like an adult. Stop being extra nice to him – that just rewards bullies and gives them extra power. Every inappropriate made-in-passing comment he makes should be challenged – “That’s inappropriate.” “That’s not your call.”

      Is there any chance that he is correct in his assessment of your performance, and management is allowing him to say (in a horrible, unacceptable way) what they are thinking? Either way, if they don’t back you in this, I’d start looking for another job, because whatever the reasons, this is a *huge* failure of leadership.

      It’s been a while since I’ve read it, but I think “Gift of Fear” has some really good stuff in it about dealing with bullies. It’s really not just a physical self-defense book.

      • I love the idea of sending the bully away – either go to your office, or perhaps you’d like to step outside for a bit to calm down. But, while I think some self-assessment is fine, I really can’t imagine a situation in which someone’s work product is so bad that it’s fine to yell at, threaten, and bully them. In other words, I think it’s him, not her.

        And if managment allows the bullying to go on instead of confronting the OP about problems with her work (or if they allow this to continue), well, that’s one d@mn toxic workplace.

        • Seattleite :

          Yes, that’s why I said it’s important to separate her performance from his bullying. My comment about her performance was meant to trigger thoughts about management’s handling of the situation, not to imply that anything about co-worker’s behavior is okay. But I was posting before coffee, so wasn’t very clear.

    • Yikes, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! Such a pain. What did the other senior person say to this whole thing? Has there been any reaction now? I think you do have to bring this up the chain. Whether or not his criticism is founded or not does not matter. The point is that he is junior to you and is being insubordinate and unprofessional and you fear for your safety.

      • So sorry! I had to deal with a similar situation in my previous workplace (before I became a lawyer) where I supervised a mostly-male, mostly-my age group. One guy (we’ll call him Jack) was habitually rude to me in one-on-one situations. Like you, I had never had problems getting on with people in the workplace, didn’t know how to react, and so did nothing. The rudeness escalated over a few months, and culminated with Jack yelling at me in front of the entire team that I was incompetent, hypocritical, etc. after he was rude to me in a group meeting and I called him out on it. I had to tell my supervisor, who disciplined Jack and removed him from my team and talked to the rest of the group about respect in the workplace. At the time I felt embarassed and small, but now I think it would have been better for me, my team, and my supervisor if I had told my supervisor earlier on and had gotten some input about how the handle the situation before it escalated. My advice would be to reach out to those in your workplace who are involved get their input, because it is a KYO situation. If you frame it as a “I’m not interested in having this turn into a drama, so how do you think I could manage the situation so we can all work together”, and talk to people in your office that you trust, then you should be able to avoid becoming “that girl”. Good luck! Be brave!

    • dealt with this too :

      I dealt with this too. A person in another department thought that they had a say in my work, which is not the case. When this person did not get their way, they wrote scathing emails and CC’d all of management, and had increasingly hostile in-person meetings about it. It culminated in a meeting with yelling and name calling, which the entire office heard. The bad news is that one of my supervisors, who hates conflict, sat there and let it go on and on. The good news is that everyone else in the office knows this person is a bully, and felt that I handled that situation as best I could, given the circumstances. A few things:

      - Definitely take it up the chain! It is completely inappropriate for anyone to be cursing and yelling at you. You are not “that girl” when another employee is loudly using inappropriate language/tone.

      - Realize that it might not be about you. In my situation, it turns out that this person was STILL holding a grudge that the owner sold the company, and they didn’t get a chance to buy it instead. Does you co-worker act like this to everyone? Does your co-worker just need an outlet for ridiculous behavior, and because you haven’t fought back, it lands on you?

      - Document, document, document. In the event that this does come back on you, have it in writing. On speak to him with a witness. Email requests and feedback, and CC your manager if necessary. Show that you’re taking the high road and acting professional, and don’t give credence to his story that you are causing the problems.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you should not be subjected to this kind of behavior.

    • This guy sounds like a bully. Don’t be extra nice to him, be firm and refuse to allow him to yell or curse at him. As others have said, firmly tell him to calm down, and if he can’t, leave and come back when he can be calm. He is the one being extremely unprofessional, I can’t believe your office management would allow that kind of behavior, especially from someone who is junior to you. One thing about bullies I’ve learned, the more you stand up to them (in a firm, professional way, not a screaming back at him way), the less likely they are to target you. Just make sure you’re not alone when you do it.

    • Regular poster - but who knows who reads this, so anon... :

      Thank you to all who replied so far. Some more color to the situation and to answer some of the questions posed. The senior who was in the room during part 2 of the confrontation did nothing – she was obviously uncomfortable and does not like confrontation but couldn’t seem to really step into her role as senior to say anything. I spoke with the two individuals he originally ranted to, two people I know well and trust, and I asked them to tell me honestly if there was any validity in what he was saying, because if there was, I would want to know it so I could fix it. They both completely backed me up and said he’s pulling this out of left field. When he was saying the things to me and I asked for examples of any time he covered for me or felt I slacked off, he could not actually come up with examples. This is not something my management would stand for, I’m confident of that. He has also been snapping at other people senior to him (but not quite at boss-level), but not nearly as bad as how he behaves to me.

      I’m actually very proud of myself that only a few times did I ever really lose my cool in talking to him and try to defend myself/attack him (truth is that I have covered for him, but as he is junior to me, I never put him on the chopping block for it – which is how my group operates). I was fairly good about keeping calm while trying to work it out and remain professional, but I just don’t know how to deal with this going forward. He is so volatile, it’s honestly scary.

      As an update, since posting, he actually sent me a text message (smart boy, not on work email) apologizing and saying that he was angry at a lot of things and unfairly took it out on me. While I think that happens to be true, I don’t trust him an inch, and never will.

      • I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I agree that this guy sounds scary – if I were in your shoes, I would feel threatened. Have you spoken with the senior person / gotten her impressions from part 2 of the confrontation? If she and your other two coworkers support you, is it an option for you to go to HR or more senior managers? His behavior is completely unacceptable.

      • Save that message, if you can forward it to your work email, you should. I’m not very texty, so I’m not sure if you can do that.

        • SF Bay Associate :

          Yep, forward to your work email. Maybe also take a picture of it on your phone (showing the message and who it came from), PDF’ing that picture, and emailing it to yourself (thus giving it another time and date stamp).

      • Anon 3L - GRADUATED! :

        Sorry to hear about your loss.

        I have dealt with this type of situation at work. I didn’t read all of the responses, but I wanted to suggest how you ought to behave when you see him in the halls, etc. Do not avoid eye contact. Acknowledge him with a professional smile and move along. He will likely avoid making eye contact with you, and this will be really uncomfortable at first, but ultimately, you will maintain power if you continue to carry yourself with the self control of the seriously professional woman you are. You do not have to go out of your way to be exceptionally nice, and IMO, you should not. However, you are expected to be the most professional party in this situation which means, not losing your sh*t, not cursing about it to others at work, not cursing at him, and moving along as though having a junior employee through a mean-spirited temper tantrum is par for the course in business, even though it’s not. You know this, everyone knows this. Heck, even HE knows this. You will come out on top if you handle yourself well, which may mean letting this die on its own without a satisfactory resolution where he apologizes in front of everyone involved, retracts, etc.

      • As a former HR person, I can tell you that if one of my employees came to me and told me what you have said, I would be very concerned and would take action. I don’t know if you office is large enough to have an HR department, but if you do, I encourage you to report this guy’s behavior. The yelling and cursing are not acceptable, and his behavior sounds scary and abusive. Senior partners MIGHT be able to get away with that kind of thing, this guy shouldn’t.

      • anon in tejas :

        If you have a iph0ne or smart phone, take a screenshot of the text, or you can take a picture of it. Make sure to remove him from your contacts first, so that it’s only his number that shows.

        you’re doing all the right things, and it sounds like a completely rational and reasonable response to be shaken by this.

      • anonsquared :

        I agree with everyone who posted that you should take this to management ASAP, but be ready for some really, really miserable days while they try to put together a solution. It will get worse before it gets better. Even the best management team is not fully prepared to deal with a situation this extreme, and will want to proceed cautiously to make sure you aren’t going to sue them and they aren’t making things worse.

        As someone who has been through a work bullying situation, taken it to management, and then left the company anyway, my advice is to see a therapist while you’re going through this. Having a non-emotional third party to help you sort through your feelings is very helpful. My therapist even helped me put together a “next steps” plan to avoid falling into the same situation at the next job. It was very empowering, and gave me a lot of confidence when I was faced with a bully at the new office.

      • If senior management wouldn’t tolerate this, then you shouldn’t either. Make sure your boss and his boss know about this bullying. It needs to stop.

    • Anne Shirley :

      When he’s publically cursing you out, you’re already getting known around the office. When someones personal attacks are impacting your work, the professional thing to do is to report it. Calmly- here is what is happening, here is how it is limiting productivity, here is what I have tried to do to resolve, now I need your help.

      And wait a couple days until you’re not reeling

    • This has gone on long enough. Please escalate this to management immediately and involve HR. This conduct is unacceptable and cannot continue, and the company must communicate that to your colleague immediately. You do not need to “deal” or otherwise try to work around this. You are not being unreasonable in expecting that this conduct will not be tolerated. I wouldn’t wait; the optics on doing so aren’t good.

      Good luck; please report back.

    • Go to management (not merely someone more senior to you) and involve HR. This conduct is unacceptable and cannot continue, and the company must communicate that to your colleague immediately. You do not need to “deal” or otherwise try to work around this. You are not being unreasonable in expecting that this conduct will not be tolerated. I wouldn’t wait; the optics on doing so aren’t good.

      Good luck; please report back.

    • Document document document. Every single interaction with him, good or bad. Everything you hear he said to others. If it continues, email your documents to your supervisor and copy HR. you need to be safe in your workplace and this guy sounds dangerous.

    • He sounds like a terrible bullying. My office includes bullying in our anti-harassment policy, so I actually do think you should go to HR. It’s not being “that girl” – it’s protecting yourself against a situation that could easily turn ugly or violent.

    • I can relate as I’ve been bullied in every single job I’ve held. None of my situations, however, compares to the very public bullying and cursing that you’ve endured. I’ve learned, but have a hard time executing, that one must NEVER be nice to a bully. EVER. Always stand up to him/her. They are essentially cowards, and for some reason (probably because we take it), they pick on certain people. And take the official route of getting this guy kicked to the curb ASAP. Pls report back. No one should ever deal with this type of behavior.

  7. Skirt contender!

    Although probably not quite as nice as The Skirt (which I haven’t actually tried), I just wanted to mention Target’s Merona Women’s Doubleweave skirt as another option. I usually can’t do pencil/straight skirts because my waist is too small for my hips/thighs and I get enough things altered already. This Target skirt was amazing – fit in the waist, not too tight in the hips/thighs, and made my butt look awesome! The fabric seems nice and sturdy, although I think it will probably wrinkle some with wear. It has a nice wide waistband and is fully lined. Only $22.99 – I got one in black and one in bright lime, and will be stalking area Targets to find the khaki color in my size.

    Just wanted to mention it as an option. I’ve tried pencil skirts from Banana Republic, J Crew, Limited, and these Target skirts are the only ones that fit me. I should hit Nordstrom’s and try the one true skirt, thought.

    • YES YES YES!!! I have the khaki one and it is sooooooo great!!!!!!!!!! I may be running over there at lunch to buy another color! :)

      • I am very excited about the lime – I happened to have on a navy sweater when I tried it on and that made a really nice combo. I also picked up a paisley cardigan done in shades of lime, teal, maybe black, which seems made for the lime skirt. Come to think of it, those lovely blue Sigerson Morrison slingbacks from yesterday would look great with it, too!

        I considered the orange striped one (I think it also would look great with navy) but I think there are just too many different colored stripes for me.

        I have a horrible Target shopping addiction. It’s so easy to say, “It’s only $22! It’s only $15″ and the next thing you know, you have nearly $200 worth of stuff in your cart.

        • I also considered the striped one! As it is, I have black, magenta/purple, and the coral orange color.

          If you like that stripe pattern but not for a skirt, they sell it as a jersey dress. Not that I also have a Target shopping addiction and bought the dress or anything. Certainly not.

          • Yeah, well, I ordered that dress but in the green/blue stripes. Saw the orange in the store and liked it, though.

            /Target addict

          • I may also have the lime green and blue version.

            Oops. (In my defense – I have lost about 20lbs and nothing fit, so I needed new summer clothes on the cheap)

          • MissJackson :

            I ordered that dress yesterday — very excited! I have the same style dress in a couple solid colors and it’s become my “after work lounging” go-to.

        • I was on a mission to buy a khaki skirt and only had about 10 minutes to do it, so I never even saw all those fun colors. I was zoned in on the khaki! Can’t wait to check them out.

          ELS – Yay for 20 pounds lost!!!

  8. I like this, but fear that it would make me look yet older …

    Threadjack : how do you deal with post-meal sleepiness ? I mean “I need a crane to keep my eyes open” -sleepiness. Yesterday it was horrible, I was on the verge of snoring on my keyboard for one whole hour and couldn’t remember what Coworker told me afterwards. I eat healthy, low-fat lunches (usually raw veggies, lean meat and 2 or 3 tbs whole grains), avoid caffeine and sugar, sleep 7hr/night, so I really don’t understand this.
    Afterwards it was better, but I still had heavy eyelids.
    So, is coffee the only answer ?

    • Caffeine is a good answer, but if you’re having this problem consistently, it may be time to talk to your doctor and do some routine blood work, just to rule out any possibility that you’ve got a metabolic issue going on.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      A post lunch dip is extremely normal and very common in circadian physiology. About 80% of people experience some drowsiness after lunch. However, if this level of fatigue is a new or unusual feeling for you, it’s always worth seeing a doctor – it could be something simple or complex, but any health changes are worth getting checked out.

      Napping is the best way to combat it – but most companies don’t offer nap rooms or similar (though they should!) Another method is getting up and walking around/moving — you will feel sleepier if you just stay in one place. Additionally, to be honest, most people just drink more coffee. I know you avoid caffeine, though, so that is probably not a viable solution for you. Could you perhaps chew some gum? Mint is a stimulant as well.

    • I don’t know what’s going on, this only happens to me when I’ve had heavy carbs for lunch or when I was up too late the night before. Are you sleeping okay at night? I have officemates who swear by 5 hour energy in the afternoons, so that could work for you, but I’m not sure how safe it is.

    • Tell your doctor and ask him/her to run blook work to check your thyroid. When mine was out of whack, I could have slept 12 hours every day.

    • Jacqueline :

      It could just be that you need more sleep. With seven hours a night, I always feel like I need a mid-afternoon nap. Eight to 8.5 means I feel alert all day. Could you try going to bed a little earlier each night?

    • I would add a little more protein to your lunch, and cut out the grains. Carbs just knock me out. You might have some blood sugar issues, it would be a good idea to have that checked.

    • I have the same issue (so long, Italian food, you are a one-way trip to a food coma). My solution has been to give up the idea of mealtimes and space out my eating throughout the day. It stinks, esp if I’m eating with people, to only eat 100-200 calories and then have a snack 90 minutes later at my desk. But it’s the only way I can really combat the blood sugar-sleepiness.

    • D Train South :

      Drink water and take a quick walk.

    • Global answer :

      - I had bloodwork done a few weeks ago (usual check-up), and everything was good, including iron, thyroid and the usual suspects.

      - I ‘ll keep in mind :
      * more, smaller meals with less carbs
      * go have a walk + a glass of water
      * getting to bed earlier (it will be difficult – I’m a night owl and getting up at 6.30 is hard !).
      * mint gum if I can find one without aspartam or sugar ! Good to know !

      Had to google 5 hr energy and … well, I’d rather have coffee :)

      Thanks !

      • Please don’t have the 5 hour energy! If the coffee’s extreme “kick” is not what you think you need on a particular day, I’d suggest black or green (that is, caffeinated) tea, which has less caffeine and you can have several cups of small-amount, steady-stream of caffeine which may help you more. :) :)

        I also have to voice my concern that a few tablespoons of grains, as you said above, is decidedly *not* “a lot” of carbohydrates. Your lunches are much like mine, and (whee!) they sound so wholesome and good-for-you, and I would, in fact, suggest even eating a bit more for lunch.

  9. So sorry you are going through this. I haven’t experienced it myself, so I have no real words of wisdom, but the situation sounds dreadful. I would just retreat, put my head down, and work my fanny off. I would document everything I did and the timeliness of my work product. I wouldn’t hesitate to let others (who might be in the line of hearing of Mr. Nasty Man) know that I’m still getting my work done and not letting what he says interfere with me…e.g. somewhat self serving e-mails such as “Here is the report you requested yesterday. I included data about item X since it seemed to relate to item Y which you are studying. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.” etc. I think people tend to know “who” the bad guy is in these situations, so you just have to stay neutral, like Switzerland, while at the same time protecting your borders! Good luck to you.

    • Yikes, that was to “Regular Poster” above!

    • I disagree (respectfully). This guy’s behavior has been way, way out of line. Even if Regular Poster did have performance issues, cursing and shouting at a co-worker is completely inappropriate and should not be tolerated. This is true with respect to anyone, but particularly because he is junior to her, I think if she lets it go, by just putting her head down and working hard, he and possibly others could think she is too weak or afraid to stand up for herself.

      I absolutely think she did the right thing trying to have a conversation about it with a more senior person present, and while I definitely sympathize with not wanting to be known as the girl who causes trouble, I agree with the commenters who said she needs to continue pursuing this with senior people until he stops the absurd behavior. But yes, it is strange if no other coworkers were shocked and appalled at his outbursts.

      • Agree-I wasn’t suggesting that she take a 100% avoidance approach, but since she had already gone to a supervisor and had stood up for herself with Mr. Nasty Pants, I was merely suggesting that it would be OK to let it rest for now. That said, if Mr. Nasty Pants continues his behavior, I would suggest that the OP take necessary, reasonable steps to stand up for herself (as she has already). I think that making this issue a huge topic of her concentration isn’t warranted. As I mentioned in my first post, I think people already know who the problem is, so it’s fine to concentrate on her work.

  10. TCFKAG: Didn’t you have an interview yesterday? How’d it go?

    • Yeah, how’d it go?

    • Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but when I saw TCFKAG posting late last night, I almost jumped on to ask the same thing.

      HOW DID IT GO??

    • Grrrr. Sometimes I wonder why places bring you in to spend the whole time telling you how you’re under qualified and they have more qualified candidates.

      Did my best — but I’m not holding out much hope. Oh well.

      • Well, crap, that’s just not helpful.

      • Fingers crossed for you all the same! Did you like them?

        • I’d get a lot of experience quickly and the people I interviewed with seemed nice, but…I really can’t think about the positives that much — there seems no point.

          Sorry, I know that sounds pretty negative, but at this point I’m beginning to feel pretty hopeless. I just don’t see how I can possibly hope to compete with the rest of the candidates on the market right now. But…Just keep swimming. And saying FOOEY and moving on, I guess.

      • Kontraktor :

        This just happened to me as well. I 100% sympathize. :-(

  11. Because you ladies are awesome, I have another request (thank you for all the coffee suggestions, btw, I cannot wait to get caffeinated): what’s your favorite sushi joint in the city? Say, 42nd street and south, all the way to the very tip of Manhattan.

    I’ve lived in this city forever but I don’t know how to hang out in it, good grief.

    • downstream :

      Sushi Yasuda! It’s a little pricey but the fish is amaaaaazzzzzzzing. I think it’s on 43rd Street, hopefully that makes the cut :)

    • if it has to be downtown, I’m not sure I can help, but my favorites are Hatsuhana (in midtown, excellent traditional sushi) and Sushi Samba (Brazilian – sushi fusion..much better than it sounds :), they have a few locations in the city).

    • Bond Street – pricey (work/client dinner?) but ohmygoodness delicious.

    • SUteiSHI is probably my fav so far, I love their Kimono and Under the Sea rolls, and the space is cute (near South Street Seaport, but further away from the crowds). I’ll be following this thread though cause I know there are probably better places around and I want to hear about them!

    • Jewel Bako (5th St)

      Uptown: Sasabune (73d St). It’s all omakase. Wonderful.

  12. Tweed in summer? :

    Is tweed appropriate for summer office wear? I have a lovely tweed blazer that I’ve been avoiding wearing to my summer law clerk job because I thought tweed was only a cooler weather fabric. It’s three-quarter length sleeves, and my office has air conditioning, so would a light color tweed blazer be okay in my office this summer? It would definitely be appropriate in winter.

    • I think it can work, especially if paired with pastels or brighter saturated pinks and the like. Especially if its freezing in your office. I’d just strip it off before going outside.

    • Tweed can be great for summer, I have 2 tweed blazers that are both linen blends, one is Austin Reed and one is Ralph Lauren, I love them and wear them all the time in the summer. They are both black and white tweeds, but one is shorter with 3/4 length sleeves, so they don’t look the same. Even if it’s not a linen blend, I think what you describe would be good for summer, especially with the shorter sleeves.

    • I had the same thought today when I almost pulled out my brown tweed vest, but then wondered if it was approprate for spring (summer weather hasn’t quite hit here yet).

    • It’s snowing where I am today, so I say go for tweed!

      Okay, maybe not helpful, but I think as long as the tweed isn’t too heavy/bulky, it looks totally fine for all season.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        Goodness, EC MD, thanks for the warning. We’re going to Tahoe this weekend, and last time I checked the forecast, the projected high was 94. Now it’s 66. Oh, California.

        • SF Bay Associate :

          LOL and my DH just realized he was looking at the weather for Squaw in SoCal. MEN.

          • Hahahaha. I love California. It’s the most interesting place. I can’t believe it’s snowing up there again EC MD!

            Although I get emails every day from timehop and apparently there was a random storm on June 4th last year too…I posted on fb “why is it raining in June when it was 95 degrees yesterday!?”

  13. Just a PSA that the awesome blue peplum jacket at Anthro that TCFKAG unearthed a few weeks ago is now on sale for $59.95.

  14. I know this is lame, but I have the Diamond Jubilee stuff open in another window and I feel bad for Queen Elizabeth that Prince Philip is in the hospital. Why do I even care? LOL

    • I thought the same thing last night. And then I wondered why they had to announce the reason for his hospital stay. It must be so mortifying to be a famous person.

    • I think its because she’s so grandmotherly that its easy to feel affection for her. You just want everything to go perfectly for her on her big day.

      Also, can we talk about how amazing the Duchess has been looking (okay, I know I talk about this A LOT…but seriously people. She’s killing it.)

      • Yes, I have such a soft spot for the Queen because she reminds me so much of my grandmother and great-aunts – short little women who always wore skirts and low-heeled pumps and helmet hair (I say with affection) and stood as ramrod-straight as 80+ year olds can.

        Every time I see a picture of the Duchess, it makes me think I need to go to the gym A LOT more often. D@mn.

      • Ditto all of this. I had a slow day at work yesterday and spent WAY too much time reading all about the Jubilee… Now I want to go visit my grandmas and give them both a big hug. Also, Kate’s red boat parade dress and matching umbrella? awesome.

      • Everytime I see the Duchess on TV, I squeal that I love her clothes. My husband now will cut me off at the pass with “Oh look, let me guess, you want THAT dress too?” She has looked awesome. Of course all the diamond jubilee stuff makes me sad. Why? Because I was in London for a semester abroad in 2002 just before the Golden Jubilee celebration and I refuse to believe that I’m a decade older than I was in college. Grumble grumble.

    • I am also really sad for her that he’s in the hospital. :(

      Also, my grandfather died of complications from bladder cancer. :(

    • I absolutely love the Kate Middleton meme that’s been running around i.e. *picture of Kate* “Oh, you like my jacket? It cost more than a super tanker and I’ll only wear it once.”

      Some are kind of silver-spoon-hating negative but most are in good fun :-)

  15. Started a new job almost 3 weeks ago and I still have no email address. No clue what’s taking so long and no one else seems to know either (or is super inclined to find out). Would you take this as a bad sign?

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      If it makes you feel better, I ordered business cards two months ago with my new title and they STILL haven’t come. Grr!!

      • Gotcha one better: I’ve been here at the company for 8 months. I just got business cards last week. I’m STILL not up on the website.

        • Hah! I’ve been at my institution four years and the website is so badly managed that really typical stuff – like faculty pages – don’t exist. I think a person could technically find me, but it’s not easy. Def. no picture or bio.

    • I felt so awesome that my business cards came promptly, but felt pretty scared when I was taken up to my office on the first day and left there with no real sense of what I was supposed to be doing. Basically, they said, “Ok, do marketing!” So, if you at least have a direction that you’re supposed to be traveling in, you’re starting off better than I was!

      • Try, Try Again :

        This. Unfortunately, about a month after I started my entry-level position in a field I had only interned in before, my supervisor quit and moved across the country, leaving me and the head of the department as… the entire department. The head seemed to expect me to fill the shoes of my previous supervisor (8 years in the field), and when I made mistakes, he glowered but didn’t offer advice, and answered my emailed questions about 50% of the time (he had a lot of meetings, and most of my questions needed to be answered immediately in order for me to do my job). Two and a half months later, the head hadn’t hired a replacement for my supervisor, and decided to just fire me instead of dealing with my questions and mistakes. I just wish someone had been able to teach me!

        (This happened Friday. I am in job-hunting mode like crazy. TCFKAG, we can do it. I believe in us.)

        • I’m so sorry this happened to you. Nobody should have ever put you in this position. We had a supervisor implode and decide to go part-time then leave. Her young supervisee has been asked to take on the responsibilities temporarily and, luckily, we all realized that she would need more help and support than the person above them could provide. I’m now supervising her and, although it takes a lot of mental energy to respond to everything, I’m the kind of person who responds immediately, even if I’m otherwise swamped. I guess what I’m saying is that it just sucks that they didn’t give you the support you needed and then didn’t understand the situation well enough to deal with it in a more forgiving and humane way. Firing you was obviously not the right answer!

        • If it’s any consolation, my first job out of college was at a dysfunctional start-up. I’d already scheduled a huge trip for 2 weeks that commenced right after I started the position, and 4 days after I was hired, my manager was fired! So they had me limp along until my vacation, after which I returned to two new sales reps, and a new “manager” (except, not really, because he was our third sales rep that I’d met once prior to vacation!). About 6 months in, the “manager” got really sick, and was out for 3 months, and one sales rep got fired. So me and the remaining sales rep just managed ourselves and kept the business going. When “manager” finally returned, he took me on a walk to tell me that I had pushed the boundaries too far, and I needed to “reign things in”. Um… you were gone for 3 months, and we were told to do business as usual. There were no boundaries, how could I have pushed them too far!?! Fortunately, that company closed a month later. They gave us notice about the closing and let us job-hunt, use them for a good reference, and keep a paycheck. So, while they were TERRIBLE at internal people stuff, they actually did ok in the final chapter!

  16. Graduate student help :

    help. my boyfriend blindsided me yesterday. everything was going really well. i really thought he was the one. we were planning a future together. then…

    boom. “I don’t love you, I never will, I’m tired of lying, and I don’t want to try to fix it. I miss the way my life was before you were in it.”

    help me, ‘rettes. please

    • Two cents :

      I’m so, so sorry. If you haven’t done so already, confide in a close friend and feel free to have a good, long cry. I’m sure this is devastating but just remember – when this relationship is behind you, you’ll feel better knowing that you avoided the big mistake of marrying someone who does not love you (and is thus not worth you marrying). BIG HUGS.

      • completely agree. And don’t be shocked if your friends don’t seem surprised- they might have seen this coming and didn’t want to say anything. It will take you a while to get your confidence back and feel ok about this, but give it time. You will feel better eventually. You will look back and barely remember this awful time in your life.

        Also, the small silver lining- I feel like the beginning of summer is the best time for this sort of thing to happen. No major romantic/family holidays coming up. When you’re in school, the schedule change means it’s often easier to (1) avoid people you don’t want to see or (2) make more time for people you do want to see. Plus, it’s just harder to be mopey when you’re laying poolside in 80 degree weather then when you’re in mid-winter hibernation mode. So find yourself a pool and lay in the sun (with sunblock!!) with an umbrella drink until this guy is a hazy memory. If your local weather isn’t cooperating, book a flight to somewhere tropical with a good friend.

    • Guys can be real a*holes. I’m sorry.

      • First – What Herbie said x 1,000. What’s more, this guy is clearly an @$$hole and you’re well rid of him. You don’t want to be someone who doesn’t love you, etc. AND is capable of being so unfeeling towards you.

        Second – Have a good, long cry. Cuddle your cat/dog/favorite stuff animal. Call your best girl friend and ask to hang out for an evening (when you’re ready). Breathe and take it one day at a time.

    • I am so sorry to hear this. I had a similar experience once. Almost a year later, it still hurts, but I have found new men I am interested in, and I am happy with other things in my life. This guy was not right for you. There are much better men out there. I promise. For now though, you might have to be sad. Call friends or close family members. Maybe try to do something fun with friends.

    • LadyEnginerd :

      I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. Thanks to (painful) personal experience that I am shamelessly projecting on to you, I suggest you call your on-campus clinic and get an appointment with a counselor. Graduate school already feels like putting your life on hold in a way that is difficult to deal with … if it were me, I’d feel like I was then losing the one part of my life that was “moving forward” and not on hold. That would be almost as devastating as actually losing *him*, and going to an on-campus counselor who sees people with these ‘life on hold’ feelings on a regular basis will help expand your support network in a helpful way at a time that you need it the most.

      And it’s his gosh-darn fault for lying and telling you he loved you. That is in no way your fault – that is entirely his problem and you wouldn’t want to have a future with someone who has no integrity and who would manipulate your feelings in that way. Internet hugs for you, and good riddance to him.

      • anon for this :

        I hate to say this, but when you are calling your school health center, you might want to get an appointment with a gyn too, for testing. It sucks, but sometimes that kind of blindsiding comes after cheating. And I say that with a heavy heart because I was the cheater. BUT, if this really is coming out of the blue, and he did cheat on you (or is depressed, or numerous other things) and you think this relationship is worth keeping anyway, you might be right, seconding ChocCityB&R. Sometimes people do shi**y things because they are shi**y people, but not always.

      • Graduate student help :

        I just started antidepressants anyway so apparently he couldn’t deal with that.

        Ugh.

    • Oh honey. ((((((((hugs))))))))

      This is awful and you’re right to feel awful while you process through this. Are you anywhere near a close friend or family? Can you go home to your parents for a couple of days?

      • Graduate student help :

        Sadly, my family is a transatlantic flight away (I’m a student at the LSE and American, he’s British).

    • ChocCityB&R :

      This may or may not be helpful, but the exact same thing happened to me my 2nd year of law school. I ended up marrying this guy who said he didn’t love me. Turned out he was depressed for other reasons, I was ignoring him because I was so engrossed in law school, and after therapy and time we worked things out. We are very happy together today, but when he dropped that bomb on me, I had no idea things would turn out this way. I felt so…rejected. To have someone you love tell you they don’t love you, out of nowhere, it’s a terrible terrible thing. It took me a really long time to forgive him for that, but eventually I did. However, at the time (and this was really important for me) I believed that I would be ok without him. In fact, when he said those things, I said, “Ok, well then I guess we have to find you another place to live” (we were cohabitating at the time) And in my heart, I knew that I would be alright, if not sad, but alright without him.

      You will also be alright without him. If you think the relationship is worth saving, tell him so, but don’t become a doormat about it. Let him know that you still care for him, that you value the time you’ve spent together, and that you would be willing to try to make things work if he wants to put in the effort. But let that be all. Move on from there if he doesn’t show that he wants to make an effort. You will be alright. In fact, you life might be better because he’ll be making room for another more compatible love to come along.

      I wish you the best!

    • Yeah, guys suck. Until you find the one that doesn’t.

      I had the same thing happen to me in law school. I don’t know if you guys have seen the thing on pinterest that says “oh, someone who hates me told you shitty things about me? Well, it MUST be true!” But that’s basically what happened and out of the blue my boyfriend goes “look, we can’t be together, you’ve done this, this, and that (none of which were true) and I can’t stand to think that you’re the best I can do.”

      Oh, it sucked. It sucked a lot. And our law school was one building so I saw him nearly every day of the next year and a half. But when I turned to my friends, the first thing about 10 of them said was “FINALLY!” And after a few weeks even some people that had stopped being my friends for no reason I could fathom showed back up in my life. To this day I will have my friends from that time tell me how I dodged a bullet. And based on fb anyway, it’s totally true.

      Quite honestly, I still miss the guy I thought he was sometimes. But eventually, even stubborn lil’ me had to admit that it’s not someone’s sweet words and plans for the future and “you’re so perfect for mes” that tell you who they are. It’s their actions. It’s their concern for you and your feelings. So I remind myself who he really is and don’t miss one hair off his cheating, lying head. :-)

  17. Any recommendations for a non-Facebook site to post photo albums? I used to use Flickr but closed the email account associated with it and can’t figure out how to get access again. I switched to Kodak Gallery, but now it’s going out of business. What else is good? Picasa? Snapfish? Or should I just succumb to Facebook and limit the photos to a select group of friends?

    • We use SmugMug, which is amazing. We pay $60/year for that, but I’m not sure if that’s because we have an upgraded version or that’s how much it costs for a regular account. It displays so much better than FB, and you can hide galleries or password-protect galleries. The interface is simple, and the pictures look beautiful! (Granted, my husband is trying to go pro, so the display quality is much more important to him than to most people looking for a social outlet.)

      • Second SmugMug! You can get a free account, but I like the upgraded one because it has unlimited storage so I feel like my photos store there are extra safe. I love it!

    • I like Picasa. Simple and Google-linked.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      WHAT!! Kodak gallery is going out of business? I have ten years worth of stuff on there! A mix of personal and hobby semi-pro. Crap. Did you get an email or something? Will the site still work and you won’t be able to upload more or will it be totally gone?

      • I got an email that they were closing / merging into . . . Snapfish, I think? Kodak has it set up so you can migrate your photos into whatever service is taking Kodak over.

      • I got an email that all my kodak gallery photos (10+ years) are automatically transitioning to Shutterfly.

      • Blonde Lawyer :

        I probably got an email and didn’t read it. Thanks for the heads up.

      • Blonde Lawyer :

        Found the emails. Read up on Shutterfly. Big difference for me is Shutterfly does not let you download full res pics. It will save full res and you can order a DVD w/ full res. If you use online sources just a as a “back up” then that is fine but if you use it for regular storage that can be an issue unless you order all prints through Shutterfly. Hmmmmm……

    • I like Shutterfly. I used to use Picasa, but I didn’t think Google had enough privacy protections, so I switched to Shutterfly.

    • Note that although your pix are moving to Shutterfly, if you were sent any albums by friends, your access to them will be cut off (which is sad)! You can fix this before it’s too late, or just have your friends re-send once you are both transitioned to Shutterfly.

    • Thanks, all! I’m going to check out some of these suggestions. Glad to hear the votes of confidence for SmugMug!

  18. PharmaGirl :

    I bought a new suit for an interview (tomorrow) and realized last night the store never removed the security tags!! Guess what I’m doing tonight instead of preparing for the interview?

    • Anonymous NYer :

      Oh brutal. So sorry! I’ve had this happen several times, but never with something as important/stress inducing as an interview suit that was imminently needed!

      • PharmaGirl :

        Seriously! The store where I bought it is 30 minutes away so I will either have to bring my hungry toddler along for the ride and feed him dinner at the mall (so healthy) or drop him off at home with my husband so they can fend for themselves. Either way, this is not what I had planned for the evening. So irritating.

        • momentsofabsurdity :

          Sometimes if you bring the receipt and the tag to a different store, they will remove it for you, as long as you convince them you didn’t steal it. Might be worth trying before trekking out 30min.

        • I’m curious why you refer to dropping your toddler off at home as leaving him and your husband to “fend for themselves.” Is your husband not used to taking care of the baby? Seems like it would be far more stressful for you to cart your kid to have the tags taken off; why isn’t leaving him with your husband the obvious option? I really don’t get why some women act like it’s an imposition on their husbands to spend alone time with their kids.

          • This is obviously the key part of her comment and the most important thing to ask about!

          • PharmaGirl — good luck tonight getting this resolved.

            LB, your comment came off pretty snarky. I often say this, when either husband or I are unexpectedly solo with the kids. Fend for themselves == *UNPLANNED* time solo with kiddo(s). It’s one thing to be prepared to fly solo: dinner made in advance, other tasks handled earlier, etc. It’s another thing to have things switch mid-stream and not have a second parent there to help with kids and get through evening routine. And yeah, we all do it, all the flippin’ time.

          • I’m sorry if it came off as snarky; I wasn’t trying to criticize you, and it turns out you weren’t saying what I thought you were saying anyway. I’m still curious about why some women say things like “Dad’s babysitting for the day,” etc. but obviously that was a misread of your post, so I do apologize.

    • This happened to me last weekend, and it was from an outlet store an hour away, so I haven’t gotten the time to drive back. Any suggestions on how to get the tags off without causing an ink-splosion?

      • PharmaGirl :

        You could try to find a store with compatible security tags and see if they will remove them for you. I thought about doing this but, for me, it’s easier to just drive back to the store.

      • No tips on that. But is it an outlet store that has regular store versions. Could you go into one of the regular stores with the suit, the receipt and say “hey, this is what happened, could you get this off for me?” Even ask if they call the outlet somehow to check on it or check your name or CC info or whatever they need to do?

      • Do you have any non-outlet stores for that company in your area? They may be able to help you out.

      • Vegas Baby :

        Most security tags are magnets. Try using a strong magnet to disengage the security tag.

      • I work part-time in retail and it’s pretty easy to pop the tags off. People do it in our dressing rooms all the time. There are tons of videos on youtube to show how to take off different kinds of tags.

  19. It was a date :

    Just an update. I posted about a month ago, so I’m not sure if anyone remembers my awkward question, asking if my description of going out for drinks was a date. It turns out that he definitely was interested, and we saw each other for a few weeks, even during finals (law school) and the law review petitioning period. However, he has a summer position in London until mid-August, but we casually discussed that we want to continue seeing each other when he gets back. We also briefly discussed that yes, we could see this turning into a committed relationship eventually. I really like him so far, and I don’t want to mess it up or seem too clingy right away, but it seems like he is interested in me as well. He spent his last night in the states with me, and just the fact that he spent so much time with me during such busy times at school makes me think he likes me as much as I like him. We didn’t talk about whether or not we would communicate at all while he is in London, but should I try to keep in touch via Facebook?

    • Dude. This sounds like the perfect chance to visit London with a free place to crash. But maybe I’m just a moocher.

      • I’m a moocher too because I thought the same thing!

        It was a date – how about an extended weekend in London?? Nothing like a little spontaneity to spark some romance.

    • I would def keep in touch! Keep it casual, but you would keep in touch with a friend if they went away for months, so why not him

      • It was a date :

        Should I wait about a month, or how long should I wait? It hasn’t even been a week yet, so I definitley want to wait a week at least, but I keep thinking of funny things I want to tell him. I don’t want to seem too crazy, but I also don’t want him to forget about me.

        • PharmaGirl :

          Why would you wait? Just send him an email to say hello and ask how his place is in London.

        • Oh, you have it bad. I agree with others who said you should definitely email, call/text, or however else you usually communicate when he’s here. I wouldn’t rely solely on facebook, but that’s just my own personal thing- I don’t communicate with any of my real friends via facebook (if I have something to say to them, I email or text). But if that’s how you normally communicate, then why not?

          Here’s some more general advice: You need to learn to trust your instincts. Male-Female courtship is a pretty intuitive thing- your body and brain are designed to play this game. In your first post, your gut told you he was interested and he was. Now, your guy is saying you want to talk to/share things with him while he’s gone. So do it. If he reacts in some way that suggests his disinterest, your gut will probably know that too. It’s true that sometimes men and women misread each other, but you haven’t done that yet (at least with this guy- is there a past here?). I don’t know why you are second guessing yourself.

          • that should say, “your gut” not “your guy”…

          • It was a date :

            You’re right. I have it REAL bad. I don’t usually like guys this much right away, so I feel like he might be something special. It also might be that he’s 3-4 inches taller than me, yet not awkwardly skinny, so I feel protected and lady-like when I’m with him. I’m 6’1″ and I’ve never dated a guy taller than me. It also could be that I’ve never dated anyone who is as ambitious as me or at the same level intellectually.

            We usually text, but he didn’t give me a phone number he would have over there. His email is on his Facebook page, but we haven’t emailed ever, so I don’t want to look like I creep his Facebook too heavily.

          • So you don’t gchat or anything? Hmm that does make it a bit trickier. Then sure, maybe a private facebook message keeping it light and casual- Hey! I hope you’re settling in well over there. I wanted to check in, but wasn’t sure if your cell was working. Are these Jubilee fanatics as crazy in real life as they are on tv?
            -It was a date
            (personal email @address.com)

            Basically, you should follow your instinct, which is to contact him but keep it easy breezy. I’m actually getting a little nostalgic for the early days of relationships like this… the agony and the ecstasy. One of the few things about being single that I miss a bit. Enjoy it :-)

          • It was a date :

            We have used Facebook chat, but never gchat. His aparment is only a few blocks from mine, and we had a class together in a really small school, so we didn’t need extensive forms of communication. I think I’ll just send him a Facebook message, since we’ve done that before. Thanks for the suggestions.

          • I don’t think it’s weird to get his email off his fb page. If he wanted it private, he wouldn’t put it there. As long as you’re friends already on fb, it’s fine.

            You could put in a sentence like, “I hope you don’t mind I got your email off your fb profile.”

    • My current boyfriend and I had only been “seeing each other” for a few weeks when I went abroad for 5 months. I was thinking the same way you are, “oh, I’ll email him in a few weeks and tell him I’m having a good time,” but we ended up Skype-chatting almost every day. Part of it was that I was lonely while I was there and wanted to tell someone about all the weird things that happened to me, but also we were both realizing that we really, really liked each other. When I got home we dated for realz (and still are dating!).

      Obviously you guys are different, but don’t be totally silent and wait for him to contact you… he might think you’re too busy or don’t want to talk. You should definitely casually drop him a line to ask how London is and see how he responds. That won’t come off as crazy at all. Good luck!

    • I would say keep in touch but leave things open-ended (and consider a visit later in the summer – London, baby!).

      Completely different situation, but my first date with my now husband was the very last day of classes in college. We only had time for three dates before I left to “go home” for the summer. It was only two hours away, but far enough that I sort of figured that he’d call once or twice and then thing would trail off and I’d never see him again (this was pre-social media). So, boy, was I wrong! He called every night, we visited each other several times, and I even went on vacation with his family late in the summer (they’re very warm and inviting people). By fall, I was back and were were inseparable, got engaged the day after Christmas.

      • MissJackson :

        This is basically what happened with my now-husband and I at the end of law school. I was moving several states away, we had been dating only a short time, and I figured that it would just fizzle out. Amazingly, we talked on the phone almost daily, visited often, and the next thing I knew, he was moving to be with me –and taking a second bar exam!

    • I love everyone’s stories about love that worked despite schedule difficulties. It really is true, when it’s working, petty stuff like the Atlantic Ocean don’t have to get in the way.

      See where it goes. I love a good correspondence, so maybe chatty message through Facebook? He’ll have your number and will be able to keep in touch.

      How fun!!

    • It was a date :

      The ‘rettes are always right. I messaged him on Facebook, and he already replied, saying he was going to message me today but that I beat him to it. He gave me his London phone number. So far it looks like everything will go as planned :)

  20. anon in tejas :

    I have a good solid work wardrobe, but I don’t have a nicer looking weekend/evening wardrobe. I was a huge tom boy growing up, and 90% of the time I am not in the office, I am a complete tom boy.

    We are going to a family wedding in Minnesota on Lake Superior in July. Suggestions for where to look for dresses? I am thinking something summery (but a little covered as I’ll likely be cold) with flats. I have no clue where to look for more casual clothes or sandal flats for my age range. I’ll be 30 in a few weeks.

    I can easily do black tie, or more formal events. I have several dresses for that, but outdoors and more casual throws me!

    help?

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