Coffee Break – Goose Satchel

Cornelia Guest Satchel - Goose SolidFor those of you who prefer your handbags to be cruelty free, it can be difficult to find bags that seem lux — so socialite Cornelia Guest developed a line of “soft faux leather” that is winning rave reviews from the likes of O Magazine. She has a number of very large satchels available, but I like this slightly smaller one — at 15″x11″x4″, with a 7″ drop, it’s a great every day bag. It’s $235 at Bloomingdale’s. Cornelia Guest Satchel – Goose Solid

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Comments

  1. Which blush do y’all prefer for lasting all day? I’m tired of looking tired by the end of the day.

  2. Kat, please do not call non-animal goods “cruelty free.” Thank you.

    • No snark, but why?

      • Just a guess…maybe because if they are non-animal but made by 5 year old kids in a sweat shop they could still be “cruel”?

        I have always thought “cruelty free” = “not cruel to animals” but I guess if you think of it more broadly…?

        • Cornellian :

          It’s sort of one of those terms like “free range,” I guess.

          I am excited for nonleather goods! I do own some leather, but really try to keep purchasing it to a minimum. Animals aside, there are serious environmental effects to the industrial tanning process. Looking for vegetable tanned things is one way to mitigate that risk, but I haven’t had much luck with that. Of course I also think there’s also something to be said for owning one quality leather piece IF you take good care of it, protect it, store it, oil it, etc so it lasts for 30 years. That’s what I’m aspiring to with my few leather pieces.

          I also actually like the design of this bag. BUT I’M NOT BUYING ANYTHING NOT ON MY LIST, so I’ll just store the brand for later.

      • I think most people who choose to wear leather and eat meat do not think of themselves as cruel to animals.

        • But maybe the point of terms such as this is to GET people to think about this?

        • Cornellian :

          Hmm. I’m a little confused by this whole exchange. I eat meat and own leather, and try to be aware of how cruel of an effect my actions have on animals (as well as other humans and the rest of the world, of course). Maybe cruel has a connotation of conscious infliction that destructive does not, but both terms might fairly be used to describe the effects of my actions, I think.

          • Okay, so I was supposed to be on a 5-minute [this site] break from actual work, and I have no time to really get into a discussion. But I would just say that the entire system of factory farming, slaughterhouses, etc. is inherently cruel. Because we buy meat at the supermarket or leather bags at a department store, we’re distanced from it, but the cruelty is still there whether or not we’re conscious of it. (And everyone makes choices that they have to live with, sometimes illogical ones. I know that dairy farming is almost as bad as slaughterhouses but I still can’t manage to give up cheese, which I know is hypocritical.)

          • Cornellian :

            Jules- were you replying to me? I think we’re saying the same thing.

            Even if we assume humans have no emotions, I think you obviously make choices in the world with a limited amount of time, money, and information. I think it’s human nature to oversimplify the world in ways that make our lives easier. I eat meat once or twice a month, especially before donating blood, because I’ve decided that the cruelty resulting from my consumption of that serving of meat is outweighed by the cruelty avoided by having one more pint in the blood supply, for example. Of course decisions vary based on circumstance, but I’m definitely open to the idea that someone in northern Siberia needs a fur coat and that that loss of animal life is less cruel than the misery avoided in the human life. I cannot imagine a situation in which a woman living in the 21st century in a temperate area of the Western world could make the same argument with a straight face.

          • Right, context is important. I agree with your example — and I’d make a big distinction between an indigenous person at subsistence level eating an animal he or she had hunted and affluent Westerners eating foie gras.

    • This is one I hadn’t really thoguht about before, but I don’t particularly like titles that include a judgment call. It’s like calling yourself “Pro Life” if you are anti-abortion. Call it what it actually is – in this case, non-leather or imitation leather – and move on. Seriously. There’s enough judgment in everyday life already.

      • That example applies to both labels, though. “Pro-life” and “pro-choice” are both somewhat misleading, since presumably pro-life people are in favor of choice in many contexts, and pro-choice people are in favor of life in many contexts.

        • You’re right there. I’m not wild about “pro choice” either, but I think it evolved in response to “pro life.”

        • You’re correct but only technically. Given that the pro-life position is about taking away choice in the vast majority of the cases of unwanted pregnancies, with very few, very restrictive exceptions.

          The standard pro-life stance is: no abortion except in cases of rape, incest, or high risk of death to the mother. Even the exceptions are being chipped away– some by Todd Akin pseudo-science, others by making it harder to prove rape, some throw out the incest one altogether, and still others challenge the last one.

          • For the purposes of this comment, I’m going to refer to all groups the way they refer to themselves.

            Pro-life people are indeed against choice when it comes to abortion. Similarly, pro-life people hold that pro-choice people are against life when it comes to fetuses. So, I don’t think one label is more or less misleading than the other. Both surely derive partly because each party wants to highlight in its name the issue it finds most important (“choice” or “life”), and partly from propaganda considerations, as it sounds better to be pro-something than anti-something.

          • Agree to refer to groups the way they refer to themselves. Easier.

            Hm. I don’t think it’s accurate for to say that “pro-choice” people are against life when it comes to fetuses.

            Most pro-life people tell women to NOT abort. Most pro-choice people do not tell the women to do anything in particular. They don’t come up to pregnant women and tell them they should abort. Many pro-lifers go around telling women they should NOT abort unless they fit exceptions X, Y, or Z.

            There’s a world of difference between saying:
            YOU REALLY SHOULD DO THIS.

            vs.

            DID YOU KNOW YOU HAVE THE OPTION TO DO THIS?

            But I hear you on the propaganda– definitely sounds better to be pro-something in this case. Although there are probably certain causes that sound better in the “anti-” formulation.

      • It’s just that the names are so weird and political. Back to the purse. If we call it non-leather, we all know what we’re talking about. If we call it Cruelty Free, are we saying people who carry leather purses are cruel? Do people who carry leather purses have to start calling themselves Gentle Omnivores?

        I’m Pro Clarity.

    • Health Concern :

      I’m surprised by the extensive use of NON-cruelty free recommendations on this site, so I applaud Kat for her choice. Could it really be that people don’t have access to non-leather items elsewhere in the country? Or is that just not part of the fashion culture there and people just aren’t interested in plant-based fabric? I’m pretty baffled, to be honest. Then again, my fashion choices often aren’t that elaborate either. Just yesterday I ordered a (organic free range) faux leather jacket and (artisan heirloom grain local bakery) cotton gloves and a (homemade organic, local, dry farmed) purse from Nordie’s. Apparently I can never move from California, nor quit my job so I can afford the fancy fashion.

      • I also appreciate the occasional non-leather picks, thanks Kat. (I still can’t afford the bag, though. Sigh.) I’ll repeat here my endorsement of Aldo bags – I’ve got two and they’re pretty nice for faux products and way cheaper than Cornelia Guest’s.

      • I love this.

      • Anon A. Moose :

        Ok, snarky, but I laughed. Probably too much. Although in all honesty I imagine non-leather choices probably are more prevelant in some areas of the country than others.

      • This is a b!tchy play on SF Bay Associate’s comment on the weeknight meals thread. Not funny. She was expressing her opinion, and she later apologized to those who took offense at her comments.

        Please don’t post comments that are solely meant to tease or criticize another commenter. It makes it harder for any of us to have a good and open dialogue here.

      • Alanna of Trebond :

        Hilarious. And FWIW, I thought that most of the food suggestions the other day were hilariously terrible, so I guess I am equal opportunity snarking. Maybe that’s bad.

  3. Okay, someone please tell me if I’m crazy for liking this coat.

  4. Please explain to me how my cell phone carrier thinks I incurred more than 500 megs worth of data charges last month (including 95 megs in *one day* when (a) I never, never look at videos on my iPhone, (b) have data roaming turned off, (c) don’t even have my iPhone set to backup to the Cloud, and (d) routinely average about 100 megs per month. We are only talking about $5 extra in charges, but really? This is impossible…..unless someone who is more of a techy than me can explain.

    Furious Nonny.

    • Did you buy any new apps in the last month or two? Maybe one of them has a setting that “syncs” it often, etc. Or any apps that you bought in the past but only actually opened in the past month or two.

    • Is it a new iphone? Apparently that’s been an issue with the 5, I think…I heard a bit about a bug running up tons of data charges for customers, but as I only have the 4, I didn’t listen to the news segment on it.

    • That is so completely weird. I’m wondering if they could give you some kind of report of what you actually did. I would definitely question it.

      My carrier texted me that a 1-time credit of 500 minutes and 500 texts was added to my line to “help during recovery efforts.” I have no idea what that means, especially since I couldn’t keep my *^*%($ phone charged during the hurricane anyway and ended up using my $5 princess phone instead. I mean, yes, people in my state were more dramatically affected by the hurricane, but not in my particular area.

      • I have questioned it and asked for a report. But I have no high hopes of a reasonable answer. I hate cell phone carriers.

        • Speaking of cell phone carriers and their dastardly ways:

          Anybody here mostly pay bills online, but still insist on paying the cellphone bill with a check each month?

          I do this, because I simply do not trust them to properly cancel (if I do want to cancel my plan one day) and not keep autobilling me and then putting me in automated customer service hell trying to clear it up.

          • Yup. I use my bank’s automated billpay to mail them a check every month, that way if I want to cancel it I can stop it on my bank’s website instead of having to use the cellphone company’s website. I’ve been bitten by “canceling” a service, having my web access cut off, but no way to stop the automatic bill payment. Love autopay, but only for companies I trust – cellphone companies aren’t on that list.

    • People are passing this article around my office:

      http://www.infoworld.com/d/consumerization-of-it/watch-out-ios-6-can-jack-your-phone-bill-202245?page=0,1

      If you upgraded to iOS 6, this might be the problem. Long and short of it – iOS 6 has several ways in which the default settings can cause you to use up your data allotment before you realize it, so check out the article and protect yourself.

      For everyone else though, if you have Sprint, it’s a non-issue.

      • This was super-useful and since I did recently upgrade to iOS 6, I checked everything it said to check in the article….but I have all those settings turned to “off” already so that is not the answer….

        Curioser and curioser.

        • Actually, I take that back. There was one (one!) setting that I had to manually turn to “off”. I wonder whether that was the culprit…..

          In which case, although I am generally an Apple fan: Stupid Apple! They should tell people if their stupid iOS systems are going to screw things up!

          Grumpy Nonny.

    • Is it on Verizon? Google it, but I read an article about how the Verizon iPhone 5 was having a problem with using excess data – it would show that you were on wifi, but would actually be using cellular data. They did some system update you should be able to access if that’s the case.

      • This is what I was going to say, There were a bunch of articles the other day that people’s phones were using cell data when it said they were on wifi. People were using up their entire allotment in a few days.

  5. Clothing question for the Hive:

    What brand/who makes your favorite basic black sheath dress? I’m in the market for a new one this fall, and plan to hit up a few stores this weekend (JCrew, BR, AT, etc.) to see what the season’s offerings look like, but I’m also interested in gems you fashionable ladies have found at other places. Thanks in advance!

    • My favourite, wear-twice-a-week black sheath dress is from Elie Tahari. I got it on sale and adore it. It is nice and simple but defines my waist, is not too clingy, is fully lined and is just above knee length. I would buy one again in a heartbeat, even at full price.

    • Lafayetter 148. The one I have is last season so I can’t give you a link but they make a version every year. It is cut for women who have a waist and hips and is the most flattering piece of clothing I own, hands-down.

    • Mine is Calvin Klein – and I feel awesome every time I wear it.

    • Mine is Banana Republic, but second the Tahari suggestion if that works for you. Also perhaps White House Black Market?

    • DVF. It’s expensive, but it’s one of my most treasured wardrobe items.

    • I love the J.Crew emmaleigh. I wear my black one every week, so I’m thinking I’ll get another color eventually. I’m a size larger on the bottom than on the top, though, so I got it to fit my hips and got the top half tailored, which was easy and inexpensive.

      • LadyEnginerd :

        Oh thank goodness! I’m a pear and just bought one on sale with exactly that intention. Now I’m excited for it to come in the mail and have a date with my tailor :)

        • SF Bay Associate :

          +1 – this is very exciting to hear. I’m also a size larger on bottom than top.

        • Enjoy! A few weeks ago I was walking down the street in that dress and a guy walking toward me said, “Girl, you killin that dress!” While I obviously don’t think random men should comment on my appearance, I did have to smile to myself a tiny bit once I got past him because I do feel like I kill in it, post-tailoring.

          • I’m usually a dragon when it comes to unsolicited body/appearance comments from random men passing by, but I acknowledge that it’s possible to give someone a compliment in a friendly, affirming way. It sounds like this guy did that. :-)

            It’s the other 90% that act all creepy, leery about it that are the problem.

    • eastbaybanker :

      The Tory Burch “Azalea” black sheath dress, still in stores. At $300 it was a massive splurge for me, and replaces a polyester Calvin Klein sheath I’d seriously worn to death. It’s also available in camel, and actually hits my knees which is a tall girl miracle. It’s very plain and logo-free, in case you’re generally averse to the brand. It has the perfect amount of stretch. I could go on! Best Dress Ever.

    • Lafayette 148. Made for curves.

      Also a 3 year old dress by DKNY .

  6. e_pontellier :

    Law school & marriage TJ following; please skip if not interested.

    I’m not going through anything like what Ms BEF is going through, so I feel pretty selfish posting, but I need some c o r p o r e t t e support.

    I’m a 2L at a not-top-30 law school. I have been networking, in meetings, and in classes absolutely non stop for over a week. I didn’t get any interviews through OCI, was sufficiently bummed about that, and so I’m trying to make up for it by networking like all h e l l and improving my grades (so I’m volunteering in class, doing all kinds of extra reading, etc.). Whenever I try to tell my wonderful husband about how stressed I am or how bad a particular meeting made me feel, he tells me I need to stop having feelings (which is not helpful). He also has really emphasized that if I ever do get to BigLaw, every moment of every day will be crazy intense and exactly the same as some awful networking meetings I’ve had (which became far too personal far too quickly, and one man actually told me that all I need to do is figure out who I need to get in bed with to get the job I want). I’m fully aware that biglaw is its own circle of h e l l. I just thought my husband could be a little more supportive.

    In any event, all I want to do is hibernate with some tea and all. the. books., so I can get some work done and not be bothered by nosy people. Any advice for getting through the mid-semester push? Any advice for dealing with a hugely unsupportive husband who honestly thinks he’s being super supportive?

    • I am not in the position to give anyone relationship advice right now, but I just wanted to say that you should not feel selfish for wanting more support during such a tough time in your life.

      Also, these are some of the most amazingly supportive internet friends that I have made and I would question your judgment if you went anywhere else for advice. :-)

    • Wow, you’re dealing with a lot and it seems odd that your husband doesn’t get what you’re going through right now. To me, graduate school was more stressful than work. I was living with my brother while doing my second graduate degree and he once said to me that when I got to the “real world” I would see how hard and stressful it was. And I was a full-time student with a full fellowship (20 hour a week job), plus another part-time job and job hunting at the same time. I wanted to kill him – mainly because he was laying on the couch watching sports when he said this to me.

      So no real advice, but definitely empathy. I hope things get better!

    • I think that I remember you posting about an issue with your husband before, where he’d give you the silent treatment, correct? If that was you, then I think this post is really further evidence that your husband needs therapy, and you guys probably need to go together as well. It sounds like, to a certain extent, he either lacks empathy or has some insecurity about how to control and manage emotions, and also that you guys could use the help of a facilitator in working out how to communicate about these things.

      For what it’s worth, biglaw *is* extremely, extremely demanding, and it will be strongly to your benefit if you guys get these issues worked out before you’re plunged into that.

      And if I’m misremembering, I apologize!

      • e_pontellier :

        You’re not misremembering. He did do the excessive silent treatment thing. He actually stopped completely when I tried it on him, thanks in part to all the support from here. He does need therapy and I am trying to gently suggest that, but it’s slow.

    • Diana Barry :

      Have you told him he’s not being helpful? Hiding is helpful if you need to study for midterms, but not for the communication with your husband.

      I would try counseling so that you can explain how what he says is not supportive (bc he seems to be brushing you off).

    • You are a 2-L and you are stressed out? Maybe your husband is right.

      • It is perfectly reasonable that she’s stressed out. Having just completed law school, I can honestly say the only day I was not stressed out was graduation.

      • 2/3 attorney :

        I think it’s perfectly common to be completely stressed out until one passes the bar and is gainfully employed. Doesn’t stop at 2L.

      • Brooklyn, Esq. :

        I personally found each year of law school to be equally stressful, though for different reasons.

      • I don’t think that is what she asked. She asked for advice in dealing with her husband, and the mid-semester push. You’re probably not helping with your statement, though I realize you may not care.

      • Perplexed in NYC :

        Ha! 2L year was vastly more stressful than real life practice for me. By a factor of 5 at least. I still feel like I’m recovering from it sometimes.

      • 2L was, hands down, the most stressful year of law school for me. Many people are managing full course-loads, job searching, clinics, and/or journals. That’s quite the adjustment from 1L…

      • goirishkj :

        2L was my worst year–I cried in the bathroom more than once, and I’m not a crier. It was almost as bad as firm life–the only thing that made my firm time worse was a particularly evil boss.

        No advice for the OP other than possibly therapy and to echo the sentiment that you deserve your husband’s support.

      • 2L year was my hardest in law school. Heavy course load, journal obligations, working on a note…I didn’t take a single day off from studying for the entirety of spring semester. Not sure when you went to law school, but given the current economic climate and her lack of a post-grad job, I’m unsurprised that she’s stressed out.

      • Divaliscious11 :

        I was more stressed as a 2L than any year of undergrad, either 2 years of law school and both years of B-school. Second year of law school is usually the most hectic because you are juggling academics, extra-curriculars like law review and/or competition team and job hunting for post graduation.

        To the OP – hang in there…

      • Having a generally unsupportive husband creates a lot of stress. But add in the fact that he shamed her for this networking meeting and the other communication problems that seem to exist, I think that yes it’s stressful. This man is creating a lot of unnecessary stress for OP.

    • MaggieLizer :

      Have you talked to him about being emotionally supportive? You definitely deserve to feel like you can lean on your husband when you’re having a tough time. At the same time, though, it may be pretty far out of his comfort zone to be a shoulder to cry on, so it might take some time for him to become comfortable with that. He probably thinks he’s being supportive by telling you to buck up because he’s very practically pointing out that this experience is an opportunity for you to learn to cope with the stresses of the career you’re about to take on. So it’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s just that the message isn’t delivered in a way that’s very satisfying for you. There have been some book recommendations here that might be helpful for both of you to learn different communication strategies.

    • Brooklyn, Esq. :

      Have you tried telling him how you feel/how his comments feel at a time when you are not stressed? (This is easier said than done, I realize–you don’t want to ruin your precious enjoyable leisure time with him.) It sort of sounds like he reacts really badly–sort of defensively?–to your stress. You might try telling him, when I start complaining about law school, what I really want is for you to do X or say Y. He may honestly have no idea how to respond to you, so he sort of puts his hackles up and tries to push you away. There is no excuse for this except that men (excuse the gender stereotyping) get much, much less training in how to be sensitive and emotionally supportive. You may have to teach him how to take care of you in this sense.

      I’ve heard recommendations for Terence Real’s books on men like this, maybe check that out?

      Finally, you deserve tons of support in getting through law school. It is HARD. The fact that BigLaw is going to be hard too is irrelevant to the moments you are talking about.

      Feel free to email if you want a Brooklyn coffee date– cdeplume at gmail dott com

    • Can you tell your husband what you need and why in concrete terms? For example: “When I have a meeting that makes me feel bad, I need you to just be there to listen to me for ten minutes. This makes me feel how much you love me and that you care about me. I need to feel that way to be successful in school and in my job search because your good opinion of me makes me feel I can take on anything.” If he complains that you “shouldn’t” feel bad about a bad meeting or feels that you often take things too much to heart and need to develop a thicker skin (based on some things you’ve said maybe this is his view?), do you agree with him? Do you think a thicker skin is something you want? Or do you think your empathy is one of your qualities? (I tend to think one is the flip side of another — I have rhino-hide, but I also kind of have a rhino-hard head and heart sometimes and find other people’s emotions to be bewildering.) If you like your sensitivity, maybe it’s also something your husband likes about you. Are you a good listener? Are you good at providing comfort and reassurance to him? If so, can you explain to him that the very thing that makes you feel bad about meetings is the quality that makes you such a good wife to him in X, Y, and Z ways. If you want a thicker skin, on the other hand, explain that you’d like to work on that and are open to suggestions, but it’s still a work in progress and meantime, you need to lean on him a little when you have a rough interaction. As for BigLaw, even a rhino like me did her share of crying in her office so if you tend to feel things more intensely, you might want to consider that if BigLaw is your goal. He might not be saying it delicately, but based solely on what you’ve written, I can see how he might be frustrated if he thinks you’re chasing after exactly what makes you feel miserable. Finally, I’m sorry you’ve wound up with some weirdos for networking meetings — on what planet is talking about sleeping with someone appropriate in that context? (I still am curious, though, about your post yesterday. Was that one of the way too personal meetings? I’m guessing there was more content than what you posted.)

      • e_pontellier :

        Thanks for this. Only because you asked (this is long, sorry), yes, I had one very uncomfortable networking meeting. I’m afraid of outing myself, but the Dean of my law school forwarded my resume to a Friend of his. Friend emailed me, asked to meet about my “career goals.” We met and friend asked how old I was, how old my husband was, how many siblings I have, which professors I’ve had, whether I’ve gotten to know them, told me I needed to figure out who I need to sleep with to get the job I want, told me how much he loved meeting with me, he loved my outfit, he wanted to keep in touch, and he touched my shoulder when we shook hands at the end of the meeting. Then sent me an email afterwards saying that he appreciates me and looks forward to hearing from me again. I told my husband this meeting made me uncomfortable, I was very disappointed in myself for not figuring out how to control the conversation better and for not ending the meeting earlier. However, during the meeting, I really felt like my hands were tied since this was the Dean’s Friend. Husband really scolded me for not doing a better job, told me how I failed a character test, told me how I need to learn how to compose myself better (btw, I stayed totally composed the whole meeting, and I didn’t cry until my husband continued scolding me for 10+ minutes). While Husband was scolding me, I asked him to stop, I asked if he could just listen for a bit, and he just said no, this was too important to let me just have feelings about.

        • Anne Shirley :

          Hugs. I did law school with an unsupportive bf and life on the other side is so much better. I feel free and calm and have my confidence back. Also you’re in NYC right? Post an anon email if you’re in the market for a c-rette older sis to buy you a drink!

          • e_pontellier :

            I’d love that! My anon email is e.pontellier.r e t t e [at] gmail [dot] com — no spaces.

          • Alanna of Trebond :

            e_pontellier–I actually just sent you an email as well, if you are interested in some more NYC based support.

        • Wow. I don’t think you handled the meeting badly at all from what you’ve said. You didn’t offer anything, you didn’t get into a compromising situation, you just sat dumbfounded that your dean has this loser for a friend. (Yeah, sure, maybe in a parallel universe you coolly informed him that these topics were not appropriate and that you would not continue the conversation. In a parallel universe I’m married to Harrison Ford circa 1982. In this universe, non-ideal things happen.) And your husband “scolded” you? Are you five? Of the conversations I’d like to see you walk out of, the one with your husband is at the top of the list. I think you’ve said you were in therapy (I’m sorry if I don’t remember that correctly). I think that sounds good. Based on what you’ve said, I would worry that you might wind up in an unhealthy work environment — there are plenty of places that take “people pleaser” young lawyers and grind them to dust.

          • Senior Attorney :

            Yes. This is unacceptable. If your husband ever pulls a horrible stunt like this again, please leave the room (or the house if necessary)!

        • When a stranger with leverage gets creepy on you, there is almost always something better that you could have done in an ideal, perect, IMAGINARY world. In the real world, you did the best that you could. You felt like you did not have any good, non-nuclear, options.

          In your shoes, I probably would have insulted the guy outright or cried rather than stayed composed like you managed to.

          Your husband wasn’t there and he should not make you feel bad for how you handled the situation.

        • MaggieLizer :

          Umm… wow. I mean I’ve dated emotionally distant guys who were very caring in their own way, but your husband’s behavior goes wayyyy beyond that. It’s so hard to keep your cool when someone you care about starts in on you like that, but if you want to stay in this marriage I think you’re going to have to really work on sticking up for yourself and calling him out when he starts in on you like that. His attitude is inappropriate, condescending, and not constructive. You really don’t deserve to be treated that way. Hugs.

        • Oh my dear, I think you handled it as well as you could have in the moment, and you did alright. What a disgusting creep!

          Do you know why your husband seems to have such an empathy problem?

          Or, perhaps, he has empathy, but he derives much more satisfaction from scoring points with the, “oh you stupid wife, let me, BIG STRONG MAN tell you how to handle things” shtick?

          I am just appalled at how he obviously didn’t notice or didn’t care that you were upset and that the first thing he should have done was to comfort you and listen to you.

          And if he really hates how you handle stuff, then he should try to help you (gently) in being better at these situations, rather than just berating you and sitting on his @ss.

          He needs a few pairs of boots up his rear to get him to therapy. Because I don’t know if he’s aware that he’s pouring the concrete along the path to divorce with his crappy non-support, and it doesn’t take long for the concrete to solidify.

        • Blonde Lawyer :

          It kinda sounds like he is the controlling type blaming you for someone potentially flirting/hitting on his wife. It sends off warning bells to me.

          • LadyEnginerd :

            Yes. He’s clearly blaming the victim here, and that is a giant red flag. Will a co-ed study group also become an issue? What about a male boss with whom you work late?

        • I’m sorry but your husband sounds like an a**. Who treats someone like that?! I get having an opinion (I have one on all things, pretty much always), but you even said I need you to listen. I think it is pretty screwed up that your internet friends have more compassion than your husband. And, my anger aside, perhaps you use this as an explanation to him – that it hurts you that sometimes (most times?) he can’t be supportive of you when you need him to be. To me without that partnership, what’s the point of marriage. Maybe you should ask him that and work on that in therapy, with or without him.

          And finally, major hugs. This really stinks.

        • I know that I don’t know you at all, so please forgive me if this is overbearing, but this really makes me worried for you. That’s not an appropriate response on your husband’s part at all and is, frankly, a bit frightening to me.

          Do you talk to your real-life friends about this? Do you think that people around you would give you an honest opinion regarding your relationship? I think that it might be worth a hard conversation with a close friend about.

          My husband was in many ways a jerk and didn’t value me as a person to the degree that he should have, but never in a million years would he have blamed me for the inappropriate advances of a man who was in a position of power over me or for feeling uncomfortable in a situation like the one you describe. He would have been angry on my behalf – not at me.

        • This is blunt, but I am kind of aghast. I think I said this when you originally posted about the silent treatment, but I will repeat it again here: your husband’s behavior is unacceptable.

          First of all, as a dude, he will never be the position you were in during that meeting. So he needs to STFU about “failing a character test.”

          Second, he is not on your team. At least he isn’t acting like it. And that is, at the most basic level, what a spouse should do for you. If he’s not interested in having your back or being on “your side,” how can you rely on him or trust him?

        • Whoa shut the front door. You do not deserve this kind of treatment from your husband, and you deserve better.

          Next time your husband tries to mansplain to you what you should have done better when someone in a position of power and authority acts reprehensibly to you, tell him to shut the h e l l up.

        • e_pontellier, I think you handled your meeting just fine. What a creeper. The experience with your husband is actually more alarming to me though. Your husband is there to be your *chosen partner* who builds you up rather than tears you down when things get rough. It sounds like your husband has heard from you that something is wrong (we need therapy) but isn’t interested in fixing the problem (he won’t go). What I would suggest is that you be very realistic with yourself about what is going on, about the likelihood of change, and also be honest with yourself about what you want, if you had a blank slate, and what you can manage, in reality. If this is how your husband treats you, its probably how he’s going to treat your children, and most certainly how your children will grow up seeing you be treated.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House :

      Actually, I think you might consider turning this around. He is telling you that you need to be a big girl and be prepared for the rigors of BigLaw life. And he is right, although he may not realize that he is digging his own grave. I have been though the rigors of BigLaw life, both with a husband who was about as supportive (not) as yours sounds and with no husband. I vastly preferred it alone. I was more productive, did better work and was far happier. Maybe you need to start thinking about whether to jettison him.

      I know, I know. I tend to be harsh. I am a lot older than you are. It comes with the territory. Sorry.

      • It’s not harsh. I mean this as a compliment, and I hope you take it as one, but I’ve come to think of your handle as “Former Partner, Now In-House, Keeping It Real:”

        • Yes! I love your contributions. (They also make me feel less bad about my somewhat harshness.)

        • Former Partner, Now In-House :

          So should I start posting as FPNIHKIR. That would give TCFKAG a run for her money :)

          • Just be prepared, if you do this, people will periodically (about once every month or so) ask you what it means. :-)

            And I’m very late to this party. But e. pontelier, I don’t know if you’ll get into Big Law (and its not nearly as bad as your husband thinks it is) — but I kind of hate to say it, but you might like it better if you weren’t burdened with such a doosh of a husband. Okay…that actually does sound harsh….I’m sorry. But I’m really angry at your husband on your behalf.

          • Former Partner, Now In-House :

            It’s always better when someone else is more angry at your husband than you are. Because then you can take the slightly less extreme position without abandoning the “I am right and he is wrong” position entirely. So, yay to TCFKAG!

          • e_p, life is hard. Your husband is making your life harder. Just saying. Also, I’m really not trying to pile on here, but your husband is not wonderful when he treats you the way you describe. I’m trying to hard to think of the qualities a person would have to have to make them wonderful despite the things you are telling us. Good luck to you. I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you need from the closest around you.

      • e_pontellier :

        You’re not harsh at all. I really appreciate your posts and I think this is a really gentle way of suggesting that I suggest to my husband what exactly he’s doing when he makes me feel so terrible.

      • You’re not harsh, you tell it like it is.

        I fail to see what this husband is adding to e_pontellier’s life that she can’t mostly get on her own reconnaissance. I know if I married someone this non-supportive, I’d have said, “therapy or divorce” and when there was no meaningful movement, served him the papers and moved on.
        And as for the messy financial stuff of divorce, I’d rather have only have my stuff than 100% of an unsupportive, mean, belittling @sshole.

        • Definitely agree that this is not too harsh. I had a good friend whose self esteem has been absolutely wrecked in a scenario like this. She asked me what I would do in her shoes and I said I’d insist on therapy. And if that didn’t happen, I’d ask for a divorce. She nodded, said something about how unhappy she was, and then added, but I’m too old to start over. She’d lost all concept of herself as a strong, independent woman.

          No matter how this turns out e_pontellier, know that you, like my friend, deserve to have a supportive partner. There are options to help your husband fulfill this role, but only if he wants to do that work. If he doesn’t, please focus on yourself and your happiness (because that’s what you can control).

          • Former Partner, Now In-House :

            Re being “too old”

            I met my first husband when I was 19, married at 24 and divorced at 30. When I divorced, I had known him 1/3 of my life and me entire adult life. I thought my life was over.

            I was single until I was 40. During that time, I became a litigation partner at an AmLaw 200 firm.

            Literally 12 days after my 40th birthday, I met my husband. It was like a fairy tale or movie: it was just right immediately. Minus the ex-wife.

            My point is: it can and does happen all the time. You don’t have anyone in your life. And then the next day you meet someone and you do. And it happens at all ages. There is no such thing as “too old.”

      • +1 to former partner, now in-house.

      • Yes! Exactly. Being a lawyer is stressful. Law school, not so much.

    • I agree he COULD be more suportive, but at least you are MARRIED! Be gratful for that! I spent alot of time on a relationeship with a drunk that did NOT work out and I have NOTHING to show for it (other then the “expereience” my mother says).

      FOOEY! I do NOT need expereience!

      The manageing partner and I are meeting tomorrow with Roberta. She seem’s nice over the phone, but would NOT tell me yet which firm is loosing the business to us (if we get it). Roberta is BIDING the business out to another law firm also so I told the manageing partner NOT to be too demandeing with her b/c we will NOT get the business.

      I also learned from Jim that he know’s Roberta from his high school class and that was along time ago, so they have remained freinds for along time. When I told him he should date her, he got mad, b/c he said he was lookeng for some one younger who could be a mother to his children and Roberta is not that person.

      Jim is comeing over to the office next week to talk with the manageing partner. He said he can give our firm some immigration work if the arangement is right. I do NOT know about imigration and what it means, but I think Jim is going to require that I be assigned to all the work.

      I realy have enought work already, and unless some thing change’s I think that I will recomend that Frank doubel team with me or the manageing partner. The manageing partner tells everyone we are a full service firm but I seem to be the onley one capeable of researcheing all of these different issue’s and comeing up with a plan.

      I should become a partner, but I would rather be a judge and stick to WC cases. I may have to talk to the judge about this, but NOT in chamber’s.

    • Have you told your husband how he can support you when you complain? Do you want him to minimize your concerns to make you feel like they’re not so bad, suggest how to solve problems, or simply commiserate? Is he ok with providing that?

      On his comments on BigLaw, maybe he’s not wrong. My husband and I lived together during law school summers and he remembers how much I complained during one of my jobs. When I thought about going back to that employer, he gently reminded me how unhappy I was, and he asked me why I thought it would be different (not in an snarky way, but in a way that allowed us to talk it through). I do think there is value to having someone that knows you very well give you feedback like this, although I cannot say that the way your husband is going about it is the best way.

    • My husband really has no clue how to keep his mouth shut when something that doesn’t need to be said comes to his mind. He has called me fat, told me I was a disappointment, said he wouldn’t marry me if he had it to do it over again, etc. etc. etc.

      The fact of the matter is that all of those things came out much, much worse than he meant them when we discussed them (later, because I was furious, upset and hurt multiple times.)

      He is also not very supportive when I’m stressed out. He has been working on this, but it’s only been through very clear communication from myself.

      Have you tried to tell him that his statements are not helpful, and that “x-statement” is what you’re looking for? That he can be truthful, but you also need his support during this time, and this is how you want him to support you, etc.

      • e_pontellier :

        Thanks for this. I have told him these statements are not helpful, I have told him that I will come to him and ask him for advice when I’m ready, but the day of a stressful meeting is not the day to critique me on my performance during the meeting. He says that he is being supportive by critiquing me and putting me down. It’s tough – you sound like you understand. How have you worked through this?

        • I wouldn’t say I’ve worked through it yet, but several things have helped.

          If I’m not in a place to ‘discuss’ something, I won’t bring it up to my husband. If I’m stressed out over something I keep it to myself, or tell a girlfriend that I know will respond in a way that I need at that time. Sometimes my husband will offer ‘advice’ unsolicited (what your husband seems to be doing), when I really just need someone to listen or commiserate with me. Those are the times, when if I suspect this will happen, I will go to a friend, instead of my husband.

          I will be very, very honest with you and tell you that my self esteem has taken a beating since I’ve gotten married. I’m coming out of the hole, and doing everything in my power to tell myself that I am a strong, smart and beautiful woman, but I’m not HIM. And that’s ok. I will never be exactly like him, and when we first got married, he expected that. He wanted a 100% logical, 100% unemotional person, and that is not me. He understands this now, but didn’t for a very long time.

          I don’t think my husband would have said he was being supportive by “putting me down,” but he has a scale in his mind that essentially equated to bashing all of my negatives and never telling me the good. One side is positive (these things never get mentioned, because they are the baseline, they essentially equal zero because they don’t need work), and one side is the negative (these are the things that I heard about CONSTANTLY at the beginning of our marriage because these are the things that, to him, need fixing.) He has told me that things like praise, me telling him I love him, etc., don’t have meaning to him because if I really love him, I would want to help him become a better person and so I should critique him.

          My husband truly wants to make our marriage work, loves me and wants me to be happy, so he works on the things that hurt me. I don’t know if that is the case with your husband, only you can know that (or at least formulate an educated guess.)

          The only thing I can think to tell you is that you can’t think of your husband like a girlfriend. Don’t confide in him if you want commiseration, because you will not get it there. Go to a friend, drink wine and eat all the cookies, and then if you want to, tell your husband the positives of the meeting, what you will do to change things that didn’t work, and *maybe* ask for advice on something small if you want to involve him in some way.

          I know this comment is forever long, and if you want to talk more about it (form a husband support group? hahah) you can email me at [email protected]. But I hope I helped a bit! I haven’t had anyone to help me along the way, it seems like no one understands my husband, or me for staying with him for that matter :)

          • I’m glad he’s working on it and this is totally none of my business, but I am sending hugs your way too. This just makes me sad. I hope he keeps working at it!

          • Thanks L! I can use all the internet hugs I can get! :)

            I think that marriages are often so different that everything has to be judged on a case by case basis. I know that my husband’s actions sound horrible, but he really does treat me well (mostly.) :)

            I’m hoping that is the case for e_pontellier as well. Some men (people actually) just need some rough edges sanded off to be better people, and some are just jerks in general. My husband is the former category (if I’m honest, I’m there too), and again, I hope e_pontellier’s husband is in the former as well.

          • Brooklyn, Esq. :

            Seconding L, and also want to say (because who doesn’t like to indulge in internet diagnosis)…is it possible your husband has Asperger’s or similar? I mean, praising him and telling him that you love him DON’T HAVE MEANING to him? That’s….really strange.

            I’m sure that everyone who is in a long-term relationship has had one incident or more with their SO that makes them cringe. And it’s good to remember that single incidents or rare occurrences don’t define a person–I mean, we’ve all done sh!tty things that we don’t want to be forever punished for. But there is a difference between that and telling your SO that her words of love don’t have meaning.

          • My sister who is in a Master’s program for Psych has also mentioned that he seems to have Asperger’s. He’s never been diagnosed, and I don’t know enough about it to comment authoritatively. He does have many of the behaviors associated with it that I’ve seen online, but also doesn’t have some of the behaviors that seems to be almost required for a diagnosis.

            I probably wasn’t clear enough in my comment either. He appreciates the fact that I love him, but the words don’t mean a lot. He stopped telling me that he loved me after we were married and I connected it to our constant fighting. When I brought it up, he said that he still loved me, but had said it once (I didn’t understand this until he explained further.) To him, saying it once is enough, and if it changes he’ll tell me. Until that point, I should know that he loves me. The converse is true, and explains why my saying it to him isn’t as impactful as it is to someone else. He has made it a point to tell me that he loves me regularly now, so that’s definitely improved.

          • Senior Attorney :

            Further to the Asperger’s issue, there’s a wonderful book called “The Journal of Best Practices” by David Finch, who is a New York Times reporter whose marriage almost collapsed before he and his wife discovered he had Asperger’s. He worked very very hard to compensate and turn things around and it’s really interesting and inspiring reading.

          • Brooklyn, Esq. :

            I was thinking about the Journal of Best Practices, too! I heard about it on This American Life, I think.

            Leigh, I just want to say you sound really awesome and level-headed. I hope everything works out as you want it to!

            And same to you, e_pontellier!

        • Anon for family issues :

          My husband isn’t quite so blunt, but there have definitely been periods of my life when I went to him for commiseration and what I got instead was criticism of how I handled the situation. I’ve found that it helps if I preface the conversation with something along the lines of “I’ve had a terrible day and I need your support right now, not criticism about how I could have handled the situation better” or “I just need to cry right now and need you to hold me” He still regresses into “himself” from time to time, but its gotten better.
          Also, not sure if you’ve said if you plan to in the past, but at least for now – don’t have children with this man until you work out these issues. If this is how he treats you, this is how he’s going to treat your kids – telling them to suck it up and its their own fault no one wants to play with them, etc. I had friends with parents like this, and its taken them years of therapy as adults to get past it.

    • Anon for this post :

      I think that many men have a different way of looking at adversity, so his advice to “not have feelings” or that BIGLAW is going to be just as hellish as what you are doing now is, to him, good advice.

      While your (and my) definition of being supportive might mean saying things like, “That is terrible. I am sorry you are going through it” to men, they sometimes don’t see that.

      When I was in school, I had to tell my hubby some helpful phrases to say to me that I found supportive, because he would say stuff like, “This was your dream. Why are you whining about it?”

      Ugh. Men.

      • Not all men. It is possible to marry a guy who does an equal share of the housework, takes equal responsibility for the children, is morally supportive, listens well, and gives affection freely. I’ve been married to one for seven years. I do hope that all the women on this board get what they need from their partners (which may not be the same as outlined above, of course).

    • don’t feel selfish posting, and also, being single, i don’t have a ton of advice, but there are always MOAR INTERNET HUGS to send so here you are!!!!

    • Senior Attorney :

      I can relate! A few years ago I was up for my Dream Job, which involved a multi-round application/interview process that took many months and an enormous amount of effort. Durning the entire time, Mr. Sr. Atty kept telling me I had it in the bag, it was a sure thing, and I was ridiculous to be nervous and anxious about it. Every time I’d say “OMG I’m so stressed!” or “OMG I’m so nervous,” he’d say “Don’t be silly — you’ve got this and there is no way you are not going to get it!”

      It totally irked me at the time because I felt like he was invalidating my feelings and taking the position that he had superior knowledge about my chances than I did, which was ridiculous because he is in a completely unrelated field. And it wass REALLY bad when guess what? I ended up making it all the way to the very end of the process and NOT getting the Dream Job.

      At the time I kind of brushed off his comments, but if I had it to do over again, I would nip it in the bud. I would sit him down and say, “Dear, I know you mean these comments to be supportive,and I totally get that you are my biggest fan and it’s inconceivable to you that I won’t be successful in this endeavor. But at this point your comments are not helpful and in fact are adding to my stress. Until further notice I am asking you to just listen and say things like ‘I’m sorry you are feeling stressed.'” I suggest you do the same — sit your husband down and tell him exactly what kind of support you need, and remind him of it as necessary.

      • Ask for what you need. :

        Yes. Be blunt and specific about what you want and what you don’t want. I adore my husband, who is amazing and in most regards a very domesticated male. The one thing, however, that he didn’t really grasp, was how to be emotionally supportive when I was stressed about grad school h*ll. Most of our (rare) arguments the first couple years we were married were about me wanting him to be more supportive and him (male that he is) translating that into “tangible support” and getting all worked up thinking I wasn’t appreciating the financial or practical support around the house. I finally clued in that I had to explicitly tell him what I wanted him to do (i.e., please listen to me rant/debrief about this; I’m not looking for you to fix it, just supportive listening; if I’m really upset or crying, hold my hand or give me a hug).

        • e_pontellier :

          Thanks everyone. This is all really helpful, and I finally did speak with one of my in-real-life friends who agreed with all of you completely. Hopefully I can man up and assert myself so that Husband doesn’t keep doing this.

  7. TJ –

    I read the blog Capitol Hill Style and usually really like her fashion selections. I am amazed though that she suggests a different hair and makeup look to go with each outfit. Do people actually do this?

    I have one work hairstyle that I wear everyday (should length bob which I flat iron into shape) and the same simple makeup application. I haven’t really noticed this but I am not very observant (I started to read this blog because I suck at fashion and wanted to figure it out rather than because I love it.)

    Please someone clue me in!

    • Anita (formerly S) :

      I certainly don’t change things up on a daily basis, but I am wary of getting into a rut. I try to switch between wearing my hair partially up, down or curled and emphasizing eyes or lips with makeup.

    • I wear my hair the same way every day and do my makeup the same way every day. I dither enough about clothes, shoes and jewelry so I can’t allow one more thing to keep me from getting out the door. I was never one to experiment with makeup growing up so I’ve learned more and more over the years (from makeup counters, friends, and this site). I watched Houda’s video on her daily makeup routine the other day and she looked beautiful but that was pretty intimidating! All of the blending of eyeshadows and different blending brushes. I’m so impressed!

      • My hair’s always the same. Only thing that changes about my makeup is my eye shadow, and that just depends on what I feel like doing that day. I’ve been using the same lip gloss every day for like 5 years. Creature of habit, I guess.

        • Oh, I should add. The reason my hair is always the same is because I’m hair styling incompetent and generally baffled by anything that requires me to do more than blow dry & flat iron. Seriously, I don’t even own a curling iron because I never learned how to use one, and I’m kind of afraid I would set my hair on fire.

          • MaggieLizer :

            Probably a good call on the curling iron. I too was never taught how to use one, but every few years I get the crazy idea in my head that this is the year I will learn! And then I burn myself all over my hands and face and rip out a few tufts of hair and remember why that was a really dumb idea.

          • If my childhood is any example, you’re more likely to burn your ears than set your hair on fire…..

          • I’m glad I’m not the only one. Though I don’t own/know how to use a flat iron, either!

    • I dont’ think anyone really does this, not even Belle. She even suggests nail polish to go with each outfit! There is no way anyone could keep up with her suggested personal grooming routine and hold down a full-time job. That said, I do really like reading her suggestions, and it greatly amuses me to thinking of someone getting dressed in the morning thinking, “Oh I better get out my hot-rollers to make my hair match this skirt.”

      • Yes! I imagine her as Cher in Clueless with an electronic closet that she chooses from every morning.

        • WOW! That link is crazy. I just started reading that blog so I totally missed this insanity.

          This makes me think that she really does do these elaborate hair/makeup routines.

        • 2/3 attorney :

          Oh I am so happy to know she doesn’t actually polish her nails to match every outfit! Thank you!

          • I have to admit that while I don’t polish my nails to match my outfits (mostly because I am incompetent and have to pay someone to do it for me), I do like putting together outfits that go with whatever polish I’m wearing. :D

        • MaggieLizer :

          I wonder what her beauty budget looks like.

        • I was dumbfounded, too. I remember reading that and thinking that she must be too busy grooming to actually HAVE a life.

          • She has said several times that she doesn’t date, and I think she said once that she doesn’t work out. That would give her a lot of time to do those elaborate beauty routines, I suppose.

        • Anonymouse :

          Y’all do know that this woman probably doesn’t do ALL of that, ALL of the time, right? That a blog post doesn’t make the blogger’s statement true? Right?

          The same way that Kat can’t possibly really love all the stuff she posts about also means that the post about Belle’s beauty routine is aspirational, even for her I am guessing.

          Bloggers make posts like the beauty routine one to give “link love” to as many corporate companies as they can. Then the companies pay them for the links later, and send them free stuff. Later, if the blog gets enough traffic, the company may advertise on the blog, and this is how the blogger “monetizes” her blog.

          It’s all about money ladies, not truth.

          • I think it’s entirely possible that Kat loves or at least likes everything she posts on here. And she never claims to own every single item, so I don’t think it’s comparable to Belle’s possibly disingenuous claim that she uses all of those products in her weekly routine.

          • I don’t think the hair/makeup suggestions are all Belle being aspirational for herself, some of her readers requested those recommendations.

        • Hmmm…I actually do all of the things she mentioned on a weekly basis, except for cutting split ends. My deep conditioner and face mask are a lot less expensive then hers and don’t take an hour. But this doesn’t seem crazy for a single professional woman who lives alone.

    • I have 1-2 hairstyles (the second one is a hairband). I wear the same make up with a slight variant on the eye shadow (sometimes brown, sometimes absent, sometimes brown/gold).

      On Fridays I go CRAZY and wear my hair half up.

      This blog has made me much better about my outfits, though. I say with pride that the 29 year old guy I sit next to made a comment about how I “always look nice now.” (this was in reference to a need to dress up for a meeting–he was saying I am always dressy enough for such a meeting whereas he looks like a homeless person) (a homeless person in $300 jeans).

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I certainly don’t. I wear my hair in a low ponytail or bun almost every day and down occasionally. It doesn’t have anything to do so my outfits, but rather how nice my hair looks that day (I.e. down when it looks really nice and smooth, low pony if its still smooth but lost its body, and bun if its not smooth). I also almost never wear makeup.

    • Kontraktor :

      I generally always wear the same MU items each day (foundation/powder, blush, lipstick, and eye makeup), but sometimes I will vary the color of my lipstick or the colors of eye MU. I usually altenate between darker brown or lighter brown eye colors, and on super casual days I might just wear a sweep of light shimmery shado + mascara. But, generally things don’t look too different because the variation is more like.. lighter brown vs. darker brown, lighter rose lipstick vs. darker, etc. and not like.. neon orange lipstick one day and dark plum the next.

      Re hair… when I had long hair, I just wore it flat ironed an down each day because there was nothing I could do with it. Now that I am growing out a pixie, I alternate between curling, flipping out in a sort of spikey way, and straightening/pinning back the sides. I guess I sometimes do that by outfit- if I am wearing a girlie or more ‘vintage’ outfit I will curl my hair, maybe. It mostly depends on how grumpy I am with my hair when I get up/how bad it looks/how much time I want to spend if I do curly vs. straight/pinned vs. flippy outty.

    • I generally have the same makeup routine for work. I’ll switch one neutral eyeshadow for another or add more mascara depending on the day, but otherwise it’s just that – a routine.

      My hair is more likely to vary day by day. It’s naturally straight, so I wear it down or half up that way, but I’ll also curl it or put it in a bun or ponytail. This is more determined by the outfit I’m wearing. If it has an elaborate neckline that I want to show off, I’m more likely to wear my hair up. If the colors are really bright or it’s a busy print, my hair is likely down and straight to keep the rest of the look simple.

      That said, I think it’s more about adding variety to your ensemble. If you already mix up your outfits with different colors, prints, or accessories, no one is going to notice your hair is exactly the same. Just as there’s no rule that you can’t wear the same set of jewelry everyday, there’s nothing wrong with having a beauty routine. Only mix if up if you’re feeling restless and actually want to do something different :)

    • I think the hair/makeup suggestions are more of a thought to complete the overall “look” – like if you were styling a model for a photo shoot, or something. Inspiration vs. expectation, I guess.

    • I wear the same makeup every day to work (albeit, very simple), and amp up the eyes for weekend. Generally the same look there, although I have a smokey eye look I’ll pull out for fancy stuffs and date nights.

      My hair varies completely among curly, straight, up, down, and occasionally half up, but that’s based on convenience, not my outfit.

    • I notice that as well! I always thought it must be for people with a more manipulable (word?) hair type than mine – like Kate Middleton – who could choose from such a variety of styles. My hair has two options: in its normal polished chin length bob, or in a tidy low ponytail. Loose waves, half up, or buns are not an option! I do pay attention to my clothing choices if it’s a day I want to wear my hair back, though, because some necklines look too bare or unbalanced without my hair down. For turtlenecks and ballet neck tops, I actually prefer the sleekness of the ponytail.

      Makeup – I will vary lip color within a range of pinks (some are more brick colored than others).

      Nails – get manicured on Saturday, and if I choose a color that’s not pale pink I do make an effort to avoid a color clash. Ex, when I wear Essie’s Wicked, I don’t wear a fuschia sweater.

      But that’s it.

    • hellskitchen :

      I don’t change my hairstyle and makeup everyday but my outfit plays some role into it – e.g. if I am wearing a thick cowl neck and anything with a lot of detail around the neck or shoulder, I’ll put my hair up or do a half-up do. For makeup, I have a fairly basic routine but I may wear a bold color lipstick if my outfit is pretty neutral v/s a nude one if I am wearing bright colors. I don’t think there is a wide range actually when it comes to the suggestions Belle gives, I feel like there is formula she sticks with – e.g. berry tones and sheer makeup for outfits that are more feminine or romantic; bold lip colors with outfits that are sleek and/or neutral etc

    • TO lawyer :

      I posted the same thing a week or two ago – I wear the same makeup look and hair style to work every day (and actually the hair is the same pretty much constantly). It’s easy and I am no morning person so it gets me out the door without too much of a disaster.

      That said, I love her outfit suggestions.

    • I thought that was so weird too! I wear the.exact.same. makeup on a day-to-day basis. I add liquid liner at night, for dates, etc. Maybe I’ll add a bold lipstick on a special occasion. But to work? Same 5 or so products and colors every single day.

    • Anon Analyst :

      My hair is on the shorter side (a couple of inches below chin length) so I don’t have too many styling options. I either wear it straight or I’ll use a curling iron to wear it wavy. I definitely don’t have different looks for each outfit.

      I usually wear makeup every day and mostly focus on my eyes. Sometimes my eyeshadow looks is very basic if I’m late and/or feeling lazy. Other times, I’ll do a more complicated look that requires blending various shadows, etc.

    • Brooklyn, Esq. :

      I do my make-up the same way every workday. I like to think of it as my “signature look.”

      (Not really. More like a “pressed for time” look.)

      • Same here!
        I have what I call my 9 to 5 makeup and have managed to repeat it enough that I don’t have to think about it. It is pretty and I randomly get compliments on it though it does not change.
        On business trips and weekends or night outs I do play with color though.

    • Health Concern :

      I’m surprised by the lack of attention to personal care shown on this site. Painting your nails every night is too much? Five-step beauty routines have got you down? Can’t be bothered to hotroll one’s hair in the morning? Could it really be that people don’t have the time or desire to make themselves look their best every day? Or is that just not part of the beauty culture here and people just aren’t interested in achieving perfection? I’m pretty baffled, to be honest. Then again, my own grooming routing isn’t all that elaborate either. Last night I meticulously applied a (organic free range) mud mask and let that sit for awhile. Then I rinsed with (artisan heirloom grain local bakery) water and applied (homemade organic) toner. I followed it up with (local, dry farmed, organic) moisturizer and (real, italian) eye cream. Apparently I can never move from California, nor quit my job so I can afford the fancy steps involved in my grooming routine.

    • people asked her to do that actually. So, I guess some people do… definitely not me ;o) I go for ‘messy waves and bangs in my face’ every day.

    • I mix it up with my hair, but rarely with make-up (I don’t wear much to begin with).

      I sometimes wear my hair all down and parted on the side. Occasionally, I will spend 5 minutes using a curling iron. Other [lazy] days, I will wear a bun or french-twist or pony tail. If my hair is slightly greasy, I’ll wear it half up half down, sometimes with a clip and sometimes with bobby pins.

      More often than not, my hairstyles are dictated by my time in the morning vs. what I am wearing. But every now and again, an outfit choice will influence my hairstyle.

      To each their own!

  8. Ladies, would like your opinion on J Crew’s lady day coat – nice wool coats in petite sizes are hard to come by and the sale price of 200 pounds is at least somewhat close to the pre-sale price in USD. I am leaning towards the black in 00P since my workplace is pretty conservative. However, I have no idea of J Crew’s sizing (as there are no stores in London). I wear a 00P at BR and if the sizes are similar I would prefer to go up a size so I can button the coat over a suit jacket.

    Do I buy the black in 00P or 0P?

    • Cornellian :

      Hm. For a coat I would worry most about the shoulder width, I think the rest is more tailorable. I’m a 4 across the shoulders in BR, and a 2 in J Crew. So you might get slightly more room in a J Crew 00 than a BR 00, if that helps.

    • SF Bay Associate :

      The Lady Day is notorious for running a size small. Check the JCrew Aficionada blog for commentary on this year’s coat, and chat with JCrew for the exact measurements of that particular item (their general size chart is extremely inaccurate). My beloved Lady Day is several years old and is a 6. I usually wear a 2 at JCrew and sometimes a 0 in their dresses. I could wear a 4, but I wanted to be able to wear it over a suit jacket if need be. And definitely go for the Thinsulate, which I got. It’s still not a super warm coat, so I can’t imagine it being that warm at all without the Thinsulate.

    • 2/3 attorney :

      Have you seen the blog extrapetite? She reviewed this coat pretty extensively – hope this helps!

      http://www.extrapetite.com/2012/01/jcrew-lady-day-coat-2011-vs-2010-sizing.html

    • Agree with all the others who say this coat runs a bit small. Mine is about 3 years old and I think I went up to a 6 and am probably more like a 2 in tops at J Crew. I like the coat very much, but don’t think it’s particularly warm. I got the Thinsulate lining (which is only the body of the coat, not the sleeves) and don’t think it’s good for temperatures much colder than 40oF or so. Let’s just say I did not find it adequate for a visit to Chicago at Christmas time.

    • Yep, go one size up, especially if you want to fit it over a suit jacket. I also got the Thinsulate in mine, and I find it to be reasonably warm even below freezing, but I agree that it’s not going to be adequate all through the winter if you live someplace like Chicago and are outside a great deal.

    • Don’t know how the sizing stacks up exactly, but unless you have your heart set on Jcrew, you might consider Lands End – they’ve got some nice wool coats (albeit in more subdued colors) that come in petite sizing – and will actually be warm. This one is rated for 0 to 20 degrees Fahrenheit.

      http://www.landsend.com/pp/womens-luxe-wool-swing-car-coat~243894_59.html

    • Thanks, everyone! Sizing is definitely the key issue here so I think I’ll contact J Crew for details before I decide which one to get.

    • I can actually opine on this…I have 3 previous versions from other years, and I just ordered a new one for 25% off and it just arrived. Much like the AT rant earlier this week, I could write a novel on why the quality has gone downhill at J C R E W. Sadly, this year’s version is a lot less nice than previous years’. I don’t think it’s worth the money, even on sale. The lining is not as nice. There’s no ticket pocket. The fabric content has gone from 93% wool to 75% wool, etc., etc. I felt like the fit was not as good (too big in chest area).

      I do confirm that you should order a size up though–but if I were a “normal” size (I have to have talls), I would not buy this coat for this money. The one I just bought is going back.

      Also Eddie Bauer and LLBean have a lot of petite coats this year too.

      Good luck.

    • I bought this one and the Metro coat last year, but returned them both. The lady day coat was definitely at least a size smaller than the tag. I sized up two sizes to fit my shoulders, but then the torso was huge on me and it was really unflattering. The metro coat is very similar, but runs a bit bigger. I find Jcrew tops to be really boxy in general so I wasn’t surprised by the coat. If you normally fit well into their things you’ll probably have better luck than me.

  9. SF Bay Associate :

    OMG! Vertical lines next to the comments to help see replies, but still with the grey horizontal bar for each comment! LOVE IT, KAT!!!

  10. A veggie who loves this bag and wants more social responsibility convo on Corporette :

    Kat, thanks for posting this bag!

    I have found it very, very hard to find professional shoes, handbags, and belts that aren’t leather. For example, even Kate Spade’s nylon bags now have leather handles. I have gotten a few leather items with the desire to wear them out.

    I would love it if you would post more non-leather items. I am not being critical of you in using the term “cruelty free”, as I understand why you used those words in this context, but I also would love some conversation about social responsibility in postings from time to time. It would be great to have some noted environmentally conscious companies with good labor standards (i.e. made in America, EU countries, fair trade, the professional version of companies like Patagonia).

    • These can be such powder kegs, though. For example, I oppose “fair trade” and actively avoid products with that label, if possible. (Wreaks havoc on local economies and has all kinds of unintended consequences.)

      • I am really interested in your viewpoint, TBK. Can you explain? I always thought Fair Trade was a good thing.

      • Yeah, I’m curious, too. I worked in the Fair Trade world for many years, and while there are some problematic things going on in all global trade right now, I don’t think i’ve heard anyone blanket criticize the concept of Fair Trade itself.

      • First, a few caveats. I’m not an expert. I’m a lawyer with a securities background so I know finance and have a basic understanding of economic policy but I’m no economist. Second, I’m sure that as with a lot of labels like this (e.g., organic, free range, etc.) there are several different practices that are all labeled “fair trade.” That being said, I know economists, including economists who deal with international and developing markets, and the view I typically hear is that the practice is not helpful. Let’s say you have fair trade coffee. There is a subset of coffee growers who get to be the fair trade coffee growers. These growers are not all of the growers in their market. The fair trade growers (ftg) get a higher price than the non-ftgs, not because they’re doing anything better or creating a better product, but just because buyers from a wealthy country would like to pay more for the same product. So you don’t have any of the positive effects of a free market. There’s no push to innovate or to improve efficiency to get more money. Instead, the focus is on currying favor with the FT buyers. Now growing coffee has become a much more lucrative operation than growing anything else so people growing, say, plantains decide they don’t want to grow plantains. They want to try to become a coffee ftg. They tear up their plantain fields and plant coffee. But plantains are a crop that has a large local market. Now there are fewer plantain growers and so the prices go up for plantains, meaning local people are paying more for them. Meanwhile, the coffee market is being overrun. The FT buyers only want to buy so much coffee, but there are now too many coffee growers for them all to be ftgs. You have this small elite group of ftgs who are becoming wealthier than their neighbors purely by chance. The price of non-ftg coffee has now become depressed because of all the people flooding the market with coffee and so the people who have always grown coffee but who aren’t ftgs are worse off, and the former plantain growers who now grow coffee are also worse off (because if growing coffee had been lucrative pre-FT they would have been coffee growers to start with instead of being plantain growers). An economist would probably see several flaws with my very simplistic statement but this is what I’ve understood from what my (very lefty) economist friends have told me.

        • You may not see this comment, but that was a really eye-opening post. I’m pretty neutral on free trade/organic/cruelty-free/made by Keebler elves, but you brought up a lot of issues I did not know about.

    • http://www.aerosoles.com/eng/product/chaperone/chaperone

      These shoes are the most comfortable thing ever. I believe they are leather free, i’m not sure about the trim but it’s probably not leather (maybe you can call and confirm). I wear these shoes with suits and free professional.

      • Ooh, I like those! I was just wondering if professional non-leather shoes exist. I tried to find some for interviews last year, but I ended up with Cole Haans so that I wouldn’t stand out (as is traditionally recommended at OCI). Anyone recommend any other professional non-leather shoes?

        • A veggie who loves this bag and wants more social responsibility convo on Corporette :

          I have found some in the Nordstrom B.P. brand- a nice pair of pointed two inch heels. You can also Google this topic, but finding something super professional is tough. I have also found Me Too to have lovely non-leather shoes, although I haven’t bought a traditional black pump from them. They have some good business casual options.

          • A veggie who loves this bag and wants more social responsibility convo on Corporette :

            Oh, and I also think Aerosoles has some good non-leather options. Good price and super comfortable.

        • eastbaybanker :

          Someone raved about a Payless low-heeled pump in the comments of the recent comfort shoe post. It comes in a few colors.

        • I have noticed lately that Naturalizer and Nine West offer a huge selection of faux-leather shoes. I can attest to comfort of both brands. Nine West is more, um, playful, but has plenty of staid models in both natural and synthetic materials.

  11. Brooklyn, Esq. :

    Hi everyone. I just scheduled my first echocardiogram for two weeks from now. (Reason: mom had aortic valve replacement last year; the surgeon found that her heart problem was a congenital defect–a bicuspid instead of a tricuspid valve. So now I’m going to get checked out.) I’ve never been to a cardiologist before. What should I expect?

    (PS: I haven’t posted in a couple hours! Why am I getting the “posting too quickly” message??)

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I get that message basically all the time. It usually takes me 3-4 tries to post, even if I haven’t posted all day. Not sure why, though. I’m using Chrome, if that matters. (Just got it again! Reposting…)

    • I had an echo a few months ago. It was a painless and relatively quick procedure.

      1. It was a little awkward to be exposed (wearing a gown but no bra), but no more so than a GYN visit.

      2. The tech would periodically ask me to take a deep breath and hold it while she got the images she needed. It was weird not to breathe regularly, but not difficult or painful.

      3. Not sure if this is typical, but the tech had to press down pretty hard with the transducer in order to get clear images. It was uncomfortable but not painful.

      Good luck with your procedure!

      • I have one every three months, and find it pretty easy, except that I’ve got major doctor anxiety and always end up with blood pressure that’s really high just as they want to check that too! So try not to be too worried – the procedure itself is quite painless. Bit awkward, but fine.

    • My ds had one a couple of years ago when he was 8 (before going on stimulant ADHD meds his dr wanted his heart checked out). He had no issues with it, I was there in the room with him & it was just an ultrasound like I had when I was pg, but on his chest. It didn’t take long. It was totally no big deal. Good luck with your test!

    • I actually have a bicupsid valve – along with a corrected malformation in my aorta. It has resulted in a murmur but I have been otherwise told that it’s not a big deal.
      I agree with Coalea above, it does hurt, especially if you have boobs as that part of the heart is basically right beneath your left boob. You also do need to hold your breath at times. But its not that bad, nor does it go that long. Most echo technicians should be able to mitigate it – it was always worse for me as a teenager when I was still going to the children’s hospital and they had NO experience getting around boobs or even seemed to realize that it would hurt.
      I usually have an echo before going into the cardiologist (who I see every 3 years) so that they have the results to discuss. If there is anything they should explain it to you in detail but it is NOT a big deal.

      • Brooklyn, Esq. :

        Thanks for the info, AMB. My mom’s bicuspid valve wasn’t discovered until the valve replacement happened. The problems with her valve weren’t apparent until a few months before the surgery. But apparently I have a 50% chance of having it and it’s easier to see when you’re younger, hence the preventative echo. So, it’s good to know that it can be lived with.

  12. Brooklyn, Esq. :

    Thanks to both of you! I have “White Coat Syndrome” too. I try to tell the nurse/assistant and they are usually understanding. I had one great nurse at my old student health center who helped me visualize a relaxing place etc. to get a normal reading. She was so great! Now I try to do that in strange places, too. It doesn’t always work but I rarely get the “you have high blood pressure” speech anymore.

    • that’s so funny, I am the complete opposite. I had weird symptoms for a long time, and someone mentioned it might be a low blood pressure issue, but everytime I went to the doctor, my blood pressure was normal. Then I finally had one dr tell me to get a home blood pressure kit and test myself at home right when I woke up even before i got out of bed, and it was really low. It turned out I did have “White Coat Syndrome” (didn’t know that term, thx) and it looked normal, but really my blood pressure was crazy elevated when i was in the dr’s office bc i was so anxious!

  13. anon for this :

    In a document that just came across my desk:
    “Each common share shall entitle the holder thereof to one vote on each matter upon which holders of common shares are entitled to vote.”

  14. 2/3 attorney :

    OMG have y’all seen this navy lace peplum number at Nordie’s? I die. I know it’s not for work but, oof.

    http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-peplum-lace-overlay-sheath-dress/3346515?origin=category&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=311

  15. DC Association :

    I’ve bitten the bullet and joined M a t c h. My H and I have been separated for a year and honestly i see no reconciliation in sight. I know there have been tons of comments on internet dating and so forth and I will go back and search for those but what I really have are questions on administrative aspects of the site. forgive me if this is all easily explained on the site, I honestly haven’t devoted tons of time in finding it out since I only just joined and also doing it while watching TV after my son has gone to bed and not during business hours.

    for example, a number of people winked at me. I’m counting most of them out because they’re geographically undesirable (I mean, guy from L.A., you’re a stunner, but ummmm I’m in DC). So, i’ve already clicked on the link that says “Tell him no thanks” but these w i nkers still show up in my wink list. what’s up with that?

    Also, I’m guessing that people can still wink or email at me if they don’t meet my criteria? Or is there a way to stop that from happening? I’m guessing that’s their prerogative to still contact me if I say I am not interested in people who smoke, for example, knowing that I would probably dismiss them?

    Any other pointers on how to best use the site and any quirks?

    Thanks Hive!

    • karenpadi :

      Dismissed winkers on wink list: nope. Just visit it from time to time to remind yourself that you are wonderful and desirable.

      Not meeting criteria: yep, they can still contact you. Try to avoid black-and-white rules like “no guys who aren’t 6 feet tall” or “no girls with cats”. So, if they don’t meet your immediate criteria, check out their profile and see if you might be interested in his/her as a whole person. You can use a filtered inbox where m a t c h will file away guys who don’t meet some criteria. I used that for geographically challenged matches.

      Just be nice to guys and don’t be afraid to wink at them yourself. Have fun!

    • MaggieLizer :

      I did Match and eHarmony for a while. I pretty much disregarded guys who winked at me but wouldn’t email. If you’re not willing to take the time to write me a little message then why should I bother? If I was interested in someone in my daily matches, I would click the interested or whatever button and let them contact me. I went on dates with fairly few guys I contacted first on Match, though I would say it was maybe 50/50 on eHarmony; that could be geographic though, I’m not sure.

      I don’t think I ever took the time to click “no thanks” if I wasn’t interested. You contact so many people on these services, you really don’t expect everyone to respond, so don’t feel bad for ignoring someone.

      It was really time consuming, about an hour a day, so I think you have to be ready to commit to making internet dating a part of your routine to get the most out of it. Stay safe – if you get a creepy vibe from someone trust your gut and cut off contact, always talk to the person on the phone before you meet them, and have a “buddy” who knows where you’re going that you text before and after each date. Have fun, keep an open mind, and at the very least you’ll get a lot of free drinks and meals at places you might not otherwise venture into!

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I haven’t used Match for years (used OK Cupid this time around) but I always ignored the winks too. I figured that if someone was actually interested then they should send me a real message introducing themselves, making it clear they read my profile, and asking me something about myself. That is what I always did when contacting someone new. I don’t know how to make them disappear though.

      Generally, I think the more active you are on the site through updating your profile, completing questions (I seem to remember Match doing something like that, but could be wrong), the more likely you are to show up at the top of someone else’s list of matches.

  16. Attention those with large calves-I just got a pair of Ralph Lauren Janessa boots (in two tone) that are so large around my average size calves. I think I could fit a pair of sweatpants inside them and still have roon. But they look really nice and well made so I hope they work for someone!

  17. I’m wearing this top today in teal and I highly recommend it. It’s very comfortable and is good quality/thick knit. Peplum isn’t normally my thing, but it works for me with this top. Also, I’m 5’2″ and the regular size is fine.

    http://tinyurl.com/9upgerc

    Bobeau Ponte Peplum Top, Nordstrom, $58 (The first reviewer is likely on crack; this top doesn’t look cheap at all).

  18. Threadjack: I SEE REPLY THREADS!

    It makes it easy for me to follow the actual vertical line to find out who’s replying to whom. Yay!

    THANKS, KAT! :-)

  19. Recipes: I tried Kat’s crock-pot chicken with salsa and black beans last night and it is great comfort food. Thanks for the easy, 5-minute meal!!!

  20. Reviewed. :

    I posted a few weeks ago about how stressed I was about my upcoming performance review. The review is still a few weeks away but good things have already come out of my self-evaluation. (Not strictly work-related but definitely professional experience related.) I’ve only been reading Corporette for a few months but I love you guys…and my work wardrobe has substantially improved.

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