Coffee Break – Cashmere Wrap

Amicale Cashmere WrapLast Call has some great deals on cashmere wraps right now. I’ve written longer posts about different ways to use a cashmere wrap in an office, but briefly, it’s one of the best ways to quickly add a layer of warmth if you’re in a suit (just throw it around your shoulders and go!) and it can be great for days when you’re wearing a skirt and your legs are freezing (just wrap it around your legs, or drape it over them blanket-style). This particular cashmere wrap was $400, then marked to $200 — and you can take an extra 40% off, bringing it down to $120. This deep red is gorgeous, but do note: there are a variety of colors available. Amicale Cashmere Wrap

(L-3)

Comments

  1. Dear Kat,

    You are feeding my lustful relationship with Cashmere. I’m not so sure it is good for me. This. is. gorgeous.

  2. I love this wrap. It will be good when it get’s cold in NYC this fall. I am very frustrated. Brian called and said his cleint will not settel his WC case for less than $1200. He said PREPARE FOR TRIAL and this is realy over a few hunderd dollars? I have to talk to Roberta about this but think she will say give him the $1200, b/c I have settelment authority for $1000 anyway, and for EVERY hour I have to work, she has to pay almost $500 for MY time alone.

    But I was hopeing to wow her with a low settelment offer acepted, but now I know that her cleints have plaintiff’s that are tough. FOOEY! It is NOT easy to be a litiegieator in the big city my dad alway’s says! Doubel FOOEY!

    My dad, who is very smart, also said to make sure David is happy with the decor I select for him b/c he thinks I might become interested in him. That is unusual, b/c I have seen David around stareing at me since I was about 12 year’s old. But it would be funny if we were to get MARRIED, b/c he does have his OWN apartement and a job. I deserve at least that much. YAY! I do NOT know whether he know’s how to BUDGET, b/c my dad is a STICKELER on being fruegel. That is how he mannaged to get me through school, and buy me an apartement, even tho I pay ALL OF THE MAINTENCE myself. Yay!

  3. Is this your subtle way of telling me I should not be wearing my Snuggie at work to keep warm???

    • Research, Not Law :

      Haha!

      I sooo want to snuggle in this today! On the upside, this post did remind me of my (sadly, not cashmere) shawl that I forgot in my desk drawer at the end of the last cold season.

    • phillygirlruns :

      i’m wearing a cashmere sweater dress today…it is TOTALLY a work snuggie.

      • Hey phillygirl…I wrote you a longish post about BA the other day, but kind of late so not sure if you saw it. I lived in BA for four years, so just had a bunch of different suggestions. Have an amazing trip if you go!

        • phillygirlruns :

          thank you for the heads up AND for the input! i bookmarked the post along with a bunch of others. i’m booking my trip this weekend…VERY excited.

      • Love love love sweater dresses for this reason.

    • When I’m working at home, I walk around with a blankie around my shoulders like a cape.

      • Didn’t you post something about having a semi-important meeting earlier this week? Am I mixing you up with someone else? If it was you, let us know how it went!

        • Aww, sweet. Thanks for asking. It went well, I got some great feedback although no firm conclusions as to the direction of my project but that will hopefully come in the next few months. The grade doesn’t matter much at this level but it was quite good so I was pleased.

          I was super nervous but was at work beforehand (I have a pt job in an unrelated field) and the goofy guys I work with had me laughing so hard I was crying so I kind of forgot to panic.

      • springtime :

        Ahhh I do this too!

    • yumm, that sounds soo good! i’m at an all day meeting in a chilly room right now, and even my cozy wool sweater isn’t cutting it right now. I could really go for a snuggie.

  4. 2/3 attorney :

    Silly question: where’s the dividing line between a scarf and a wrap? I have one that I love that is either a larg (wide and long rectangle) scarf, or a small wrap. How do we know?!

    • FeyandSudden :

      I’m not sure if there is an actual size guideline? For me, I usually think of wraps as warmer, more tightly woven, and slightly larger. My larger scarves tend to be of a silker material that can be bundled without too much extra bulk.

  5. thenewphonebookishere :

    Performance review TJ. I have been in my job for just over a year. From Sept (when I was hired) of 2011 through August 2012, I did not have a direct manager. Technically, my teammates and I were managed by the VP or our group, but she has several other direct reports and several people were out at various times for medical issues, so she often cancelled our check-ins. They went from once per week (though we never met that regularly) to once per month and then to zero. I would guess during this period I had fewer than 10 check-ins with her. She cancelled my formal performance review in the spring after rescheduling it multiple times.

    Because she was technically my manager, my VP delivered my compensation info for the coming year, for which I earned a modest raise. I have no idea whether the raise I earned was average, and I don’t think my organization would make that info public, anyway – so I have no gauge there. During our talk, my VP told me that I should be feel good about the increase, that the raise represents a good first year on staff but still allows room for me to grow compensation-wise while staying in my current role. She also told me that I am on the higher end for people in my position because I came in with relevant experience from the outside world that my peers do not possess. I took this all to mean that I am on the high end of compensation for my level, and they could not really increase my raise percentage without promoting me and there is no where to promote me. When I took this job, the expectation was that I would remain in my role for three years. So, the org’s thinking is: better to give me two modest raises than one large one and then nothing, or 1% or something (percentage wise, the latter would probably be better for me but I understand implications for morale if someone gets no raise).

    Because I had no way to gauge my performance – no performance review and no way to understand if the raise I received was above or below average – I asked my VP for some formal feedback. She suggested a 2×2 – (What are you doing well, what could you improve, what is your manager doing well in managing you, what could she improve). I honestly have no idea how to answer the second piece. I did not get much oversight in the last year. I like to work independently and I certainly don’t want to complain about the lack of oversight in case I lose my considerable amount of freedom. I don’t really want her to manage me more closely. I do feel, though, that because she was so distant from my daily work, she did not have much information on which to actually base my raise. So how do I figure out how to show her my successes and retain my agency over my work? I thought the fact that she felt comfortable cancelling our check-ins meant I was doing fine but I see now that it may have put me at a disadvantage because she did not have insight into my success (and I think I have been successful).

    In August, one of my teammates was promoted to be our team manager. He told me this week that he is leaving the org (he was recruited away). So it is likely that this arrangement with the VP managing me will continue until we find a replacement, and I don’t want another year to go by like this, and be surprised again when I do not receive a bigger raise. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have let it go this long but am wondering how to turn it around and set myself up for success in year two. Would love some advice on how to navigate this feedback session. I can’t very well just say, “well, you didn’t manage me at all so I don’t know how to answer these questions.” Sorry for the novel, and TIA!

    • karenpadi :

      It sounds like the VP treated you very fairly–even generously. I was waiting to read that she disparaged your work or lowered your salary. Instead, she recognized that you do good work (I assume because you aren’t causing her any headaches) and, without much to go on, gave you a raise.

      For the 2X2, she is doing well by giving you independence and trusting your work. She should improve by keeping the meetings that are expected. You could propose monthly meetings instead of weekly meetings, shorter meetings with an agenda, meeting for lunch, or some other solution like doing monthly emails where you report what you are doing and your challenges with the expectation that she gives you feedback within 24 hours.

      • +1

      • thenewphonebookishere :

        “Allowing a high degree of autonomy and trusting my judgment” just went into my 2×2. I was struggling to figure out how to spin this as a positive! Thanks!

        I do feel like I was treated fairly overall, just hoping for a bigger raise next time and want the feedback that will get me there (without being micromanaged).

        • I think it was very good too. And I don’t know what percentage your raise was and I’m sorry that it wasn’t more, but I am glad you got one.

        • Not sure if you are still reading but you can just ask your manager straight out “you’ve said I’m on the higher end of the range for my peers – what should I be aiming for to get another raise next year ?” She may talk to you about specific tasks or levels of achievement, or promotions to aim for. Useful info either way.

          I’d agree with the other comments that you’ve been treated pretty well. Most managers will have a limited pot from which to give raises or variable compensation, and yours obviously took the call to reward you, possibly over others in her supervisory group. My experience is that the size of the pot varies from year to year according to the group/ company’s financial performance – very little thinking goes into planning to give an employee with 2 small raises vs. 1 big one, unless it’s a whole cohort which gets lock-step promotions.

  6. My office can’t decide whether it’s hot or cold. I want to drink tea, but I’m sweating, so I go get a cold drink instead, and by the time I get back, it’s freezing. Grr. Then, an hour later, debating whether to take my tights off because I’m so hot again.

  7. anyone have experience with recruiters f*cking up a job offer? got the offer, but the company just called and said there is an issue with the recruiter. I don’t know the details yet it was a message. Not a law recruiter. What are my options? I really want this job.

    • Did you get submitted by two recruiters without your knowledge and now there is a fight over who gets the fee? If you already got the offer, perhaps reach out to HR/hiring person, reiterate your interest/acceptance, and ask if you need to do anything else. They are going to have to deal with the recuriter issues on their end, you can’t control that. Sorry you are going through this. I had a a recruiter screw up my ability to apply for a law fim position and it really stung. If you got this far, hopefully they can work it out.

      • No def not two recruiters. Is it possible I could lose the job if the company won’t pay the recruiter?? They originally submitted for a job a different job than the one that was offered, but was they were involved throughout the process. Im freaking out

        • Could it be that the salaries (and therefore recruiter’s cut thereof) of the 2 positions are different? If the recruiter submitted you thinking to earn a certain fee and is now being told a lower amount, perhaps he/she is causing some kind of problem? Otherwise, I’m not sure what the issue could be…

          I agree with mascot about you contacting the employer directly to reiterate your interest. Hopefully all goes well!

          • Yes its slightly less. Im so nervous. i wanted to give notice tomorrow and the employer sounded cryptic on the phone message. they are fighting over the fee and the recruiter says the offer is not in jeopardy but since she is holding the paperwork hostage it sure sounds like it is.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I’ve never used a recruiter so I have no idea how big fees are. If it wouldn’t be overly painful, could you offer that the difference comes out of your first year pay? You shouldn’t have to do that but it is better than not getting the job.

      • I recently hired 2 people through a recruiter & the fee was 30% of the offered annual beginning gross salary. And I think that’s a lower negotiated rate for my company, but I’m not 100% sure on that.

        fran – I hope everything gets worked out soon & the employer isn’t scared off by the recruiter!!

    • I don’t have much to offer, I’ve only ever used internal recruiters. That is obnoxious and I am sorry. I would be so antsy – I hope you get news before the weekend.

      • I really appreciate the kind thoughts, I am so so antsy. I had to close the door and cry today. I am dying to get out of this job. The new job is relatively entry level so the 20% is not that much in the scheme of things but a ton of my salary so I can’t really offer to take it out. But I believe the company knows they should be paying the recruit something so i dont think its between 0 or 20%. I’ll go the wine and cookie route tonight and hope it resolves itself tomorrow. I also now regret telling my family and close friends about the offer. ugh!

    • Owwww, yeah. For one of my jobs, I got the position but the funding took a while to come in so there was plenty of anxiety. I finally got the offer, put in my notice, showed up at the new place (a big company where they have a full-blown orientation, document packets, logo name-tags, the works) and found out I was not expected! The recruiter did not warn HR about my first day. However, I was already in their system, so they rustled up an extra info packet, hand-wrote the name-tag and I started my, mostly enjoyable, tenure at that company.
      It will work out, I promise!

  8. Flash Sales :

    PSA: I ordered two Trina Turk dresses from a sale on Hautelook recently. They just came- the quality is totally different from their usual dresses and the label says “Trina Turk Dresses” instead of just “Trina Turk.” I usually only use those sites for lines where I know the quality is consistent- looks like even those designers are making clothes especially for flash sales.

    • des-pairing :

      I’ve stopped shopping at Hautelook. They have lower price points than some other flash sales sites, but I’ve had to return everything I ordered from them, except this one shirt, which fell apart after being worn twice.

    • Sounds like the “dresses” label is a licensee – most “big name” dress brands are.

    • ChristinaMD :

      FWIW, two days after this was posted:
      I have Trina Turk dresses that I did not purchase during a flash sale. The older dresses have the standard Trina Turk label, but the one I got from her late summer collection does have the two line Trina Turk and under it Dresses label. Sounds like they made a switch. Though it is possible there are designs solely for flash sites.

  9. FeyandSudden :

    I need fashion suggestions! Help me spend my money!

    So, for background, I’m mid twenties, and pear shaped. (so I hate this peplum craze) I can wear almost any color, except anything really bright (like highlighter colors-they wash me out)
    Anyway, I’ve been asked to do an informal advice lecture to college seniors at a small town northeastern college. I’ve visited there before, and the fashion trends are a mix of small town, slightly behind the curve trends, and preppy, wasp-ish: brook brothers and sperry’s.

    My search is for a casual to business casual outfit that looks pretty, feminine (as I’m going out for drinks with peers after) but still says, “hey you crazy kids, look at me! I’m a successful adult! Follow me and you can be one too!” but at the same time, I want to look similar to them-not “who is this woman from out of town who thinks boat shoes are only for boats and that lacrosse is a silly sport?”

    I have a lot of basic staples, ie dress slacks, black skirt, jeans and brown leather boots, so I’m more looking for tops-but any suggestions from earrings to shoes would be really appreciated.

  10. Shoes help! :

    Can anyone give me the scoop on where all the Cole Haan Air Talias have gone? I bought a purple suede pair and a simple black pair of the higher ones (the 90s, I think, not the mid) about a year ago and they’re awesome. I want to get a couple more, but it seems like the only ones I can find are the chocolate brown ones at Zappos. What happened to all of my options? I remember a lovely grey suede pair that I’d love to pick up, but alas. I was hoping they’d turn up once fall lines rolled out. Someone tell me that Cole Haan hasn’t stopped making them and that they’ll be back any day now!

    • One of the regular posters asked Cole Haan directly (TCFKAG perhaps?) and I guess they are re-tooling or starting a new run, so maybe there’s a gap? Perhaps whomever it was will reply.

    • des-pairing :

      Can I add to this as well- where are the Cole Haan suede platform pumps? My feet anxiously await them.

  11. 2/3 attorney :

    Hive poll: Do you have gray hairs? How old were you when they appeared?

    I’m 26 and I would say my hair is already about 10% gray! Boo.

    • Yes. I’m early 30s and they appeared recently. I spot one here and there from time to time, but not enough to count. I don’t currently dye my hair and they seem to blend well (light brown hair).

    • I think it depends on how dark your hair is to begin with, coupled with genes. I am 48 (yeesh) and just have some strands of noticeable gray in my part but I have fairly light brown hair.

    • Yes, I was 22 (women in my mom’s family have a tendency to go gray early and 22 was a very stressful time in my life). My hair’s naturally kind of a dark, golden blond and most of the grays (which there really isn’t that much of yet) are in the under layers, so it’s not really noticeable yet.

    • darjeeling :

      I’ve been slowly going gray since I was 23 (mostly around my face) but I don’t mind, I think it looks cool.

    • 31 and no grays yet. (Knock wood.)

      Fun story: My Mom told her stylist she wanted to transition to her natural, graying color. The stylist replied, “I thought you wanted to look professional?” My Mom now has a new stylist, gorgeous salt and pepper hair, and a thriving business.

    • Left Coaster :

      I’m 31, and my hair is over 50% gray (snow white, actually). My family has a history of premature gray-ing, so I wasn’t surprised when I first started to pluck grays when I was 18 (!!!). I color it now because it would otherwise be really obvious — my hair is a very dark brown — but I fantasize about the day when I have the confidence to rock the gray look!

      • My family is the same way – we don’t get “grays,” we get “whites.” :( Luckily, I don’t have too many yet.

      • just Karen :

        Ditto this – same age, started getting a few strays as a teenager and now dye my hair religiously. I hope to rock the all silver look once it’s all grey/white, but for now my natural look is pretty rugged.

      • Belle et Rebelle :

        I got my first few grays in each temple when I was 28 – I blamed the stress of taking the bar. I’m 40 now and have noticed an increase in the grays in the last year or so, but it’s still way under 5%. We’ll see how long that lasts. My hair’s medium brown w/some natural highlights, and I’d really like not to have to deal with coloring it, so I’m hoping the amount of gray holds steady for a bit longer.

        I wouldn’t mind one day rocking a salt and pepper or all-white/gray look, but it’s the in-between stage I’m not too excited about.

    • I’m 27 and maybe 5-10% gray. It started at about 24 but has seemed to have decelerated a bit.

      • viclawstudent :

        I’m 29 and I’m about the same – 5-10% gray, and it started about four years ago. It’s clustered in the hair above my ears and at the front of my part, and it definitely accelerated once I started law school. I used to get blonder highlights put in to “blend” in it, but that doesn’t suit my colouring, so I’ve gone over to getting a regular demi-permanent dark dye job – I get about 5 weeks without it being visible at all, and then as the dye job fades they start to reappear.

        My mother went grey really early, and chose not to cover it up – she’s been completely silver-coloured since her mid/late 30s. Not sure what I’ll do if it’s that fast on me …

    • I was 12 (yes, TWELVE) when I found my first one. Since then, I’ve found a few a year. Late this summer a found a few more (I’m 36) and I reiterated to my husband, that as my partner he needs to be the one finding them for me. I don’t want to have to start coloring my hair yet.

      • Lady Harriet :

        I’m in my early twenties and I’ve had some since I was 11-12 too! We first found them on my brother, who has very dark brown hair, when he was 9. My mom, a redhead, says she remembers finding her first when she was 6! Her side of the family goes grey early (several people have had totally white hair in their thirties), but nobody loses their hair, so I can’t complain. My mom dyes her hair close to its original color (a bit lighter) since she doesn’t like the shade of grey it is and she enjoys being a redhead.

        My greys aren’t noticeable most of the time, since I have very long curly reddish brown hair that never seems to come out the same way twice after washing, but they’re there. I found my first grey eyebrow the other day. I don’t know if I’ll start dying my hair once the grey becomes more prominent. I really love the natural color, and I think I’d rather keep some of it with grey mixed in than have everything out of a bottle. I guess I’ll figure it out when the time comes.

    • I started going gray at 16 and am now in my 40s and about 60% gray. Phooey on genetics!

    • I’m 27, I’d say about 20% WHITE. Yes, WHITE. And my natural color is dark brown, so they are highly noticable. The last time I went to a new hairdresser she looked at me and said “I’m confused…your face looks so young….”

      • just Karen :

        in law school I had a legal clinic client who told me I must have had a hard life to have so much grey hair b/c I didn’t look like I was that old… this from a man sitting in a maximum security prison claiming innocence (state supreme court overturned his conviction a year later). Yes, MY life is difficult…

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve had a few stray grays since I was about 27, but I’ve noticed a lot more since I turned 30 earlier this year. I think it’s genetic — I mostly take after my dad and I remember seeing him get a bunch of grays when he was about this age. I don’t dye my hair (yet?) but my grays are sort of sparkly looking and are spread nicely throughout my hair, so they kinda look like highlights if you don’t focus on them too closely. When they start to get more obvious, I may have to reevaluate, but the thought of the cost and hassle of upkeep is keeping me natural for now…

    • SF Bay Associate :

      I’m 31. A couple years ago I noticed a few crazy white wiry hairs growing out of one specific spot on my head. Totally different texture and thickness than the rest of my hair. Bizarre. They seem to have more friends every year. I have about a dozen crazy white hairs now.

      • I get the wiry hairs too! My hair (light brown) has always had natural strands of more red or more blond, so the white doesn’t seem as noticeable, but the crimped-looking strands sticking up from my part is so obvious. I don’t want to dye my hair – anyone have suggestions for the different-textured grey hairs?

    • None yet. I’m 36. My mother is mid-fifties with about 10% gray that she’s developed in the last 5 years or so. My dad is late 50s with no gray yet. I expect I’ve probably not got early-gray genetics.

    • long term lurker :

      Yes, some, but I’m trying to blend them into my highlights. 35 or so.

    • Senior Attorney :

      i started going gray in my early 20s. Colored it blond for years, then switched to red because I got tired of the dark roots showing (that was back before dark roots were acceptable), then switched back to blond ;because red dye + white hair = pink = ugh. Let it go gray for a few years in my 40s, went back to blond about 6-7 years ago and never looked back. I don’t think there is any question that I looked much, much older with gray hair than I do with it colored. I plan to keep dying it until it starts looking just. plain. odd.

    • I’m in the final lap of my 20s and have only had a few greys. DH is a year older and probably 20% or more grey- and has been getting a steady stream of greys since he turned 24. We both have dark dark brown hair.

      I think a lot of it is genetic- my mom didn’t start to color her hair until her mid 30s and my dad is almost 60 and still in the salt-and-pepper stage. His hair was her black until 40.

    • TO lawyer :

      Yes I’m 25 and have a bunch of white hairs, clustered in the front. I have dark hair so they’re very noticeable. I want to get them coloured but haven’t gotten around to it yet. Also don’t want to pay for a full dye job when it’s just a clump of hairs in one area.

      • You can buy the little wands with wash-out color for the small clump – that’s what I do every morning for my little clump, right by my part.

    • First gray when I was in high school. I was probably 16.

      My grandmother was totally white headed by 30 and I figured I would be, too. Didn’t happen. I’m in my early 40s and I have significant gray hair and because of where it is located, it’s fairly prominent. So, it’s probably 10-20% gray, but at times looks like more. It doesn’t help that the grey is more wiry than the rest of my hair so it really stands out.

    • MaggieLizer :

      I’m 28 and I haven’t found one yet, though I could have them and just not notice since my hair is fairly light and I get highlights too. I had a close call recently, though. I thought I saw a gray hair right in the middle of my eyebrow. I immediately plucked the little son of a b*tch out, only to discover upon closer inspection that it was just blonde. And I had a new big hole in the middle of my eyebrow.

    • No. 35 in 2 weeks and had a ridiculously stressful ages 29-33.

    • SV in House :

      45, very dark brown hair with 4-6 grays — the one place my genes are working in my favor!

    • No, but only because they are covered with hair dye. 21? Very early 20s, anyway.

      • And actually they’re white, not gray. I never had grays, but I have heard that’s normal for redheads. When I let my roots grow out it looks like I’m about 20% white now.

    • RookieRette :

      None here yet (I’ll be 26 in a few months) but my mom started going grey when she was a few years older than me. I wonder if it has anything to do with hair color? Mom’s natural color is a really pretty dark brown (she dyes it now) and mine’s honey blonde.

    • I’m 31, started getting white hairs when I was 26 or so. now they’re more noticeable. mostly at my temples.

    • Oh honey, at 47 I’ve stopped counting my gray hairs. They are all right around my face. I’ve decided to think about them as highlights.

      • I guess I’m lucky – mine are mostly covered up by my highlights. I can tell when I need to get highlights because the gray hairs at my hairline get more noticeable. But when I put in a hairband to get my hair out of my face at the gym, it looks a lot grayer!

    • Alanna of Trebond :

      25 no grey hairs (but unsurprising). My mom is 50, and doesn’t have any either, so I’m hoping that’s true for me.

  12. Can anyone recommend a pair of dusty rose men’s shorts – ideally under $200? You know the preppy kind . . . I see them in Europe a lot . . . thanks!

  13. cold office :

    this would be great to keep in my office, which is hot in the summer and cold in the winter.

  14. for bluejay :

    I have used the new customer discount for hank panky at bare necessities in the past. I just tried with the code WELCOME10 from retailmenot and it did give me 10% off, but it didn’t work for the current promotion. They are also having a Le Mystere 25% off sale, in case that is one of your favored brands that is usually excluded.
    Lalo

  15. Question about self-evaluations at a big firm. Well really, I don’t have a particular question, more just like “Huh???” What should I write about? Should I really say anything negative? What should I highlight? Do they even matter? You get the idea.

    Help, please!

    • Former MidLevel :

      Yes, they matter. But the exact “game” can vary. Ask a senior associate you can trust for advice on your firm’s specific requirements/culture.

    • One of the great things about my current job is no self-eval. Hated hated hated doing it and it always took me forever.

      At my firm, they did matter. I never wrote anything negative (and, fortunately, no partners did in my evals either). I assumed that if a partner wrote something negative in my eval, then that would come up and we could discuss the issue when the eval was presented to me and that partner was a jerk because he should have said something to me in person; but if no one said anything negative, why would I be the one to make that record??? So I talked about all of the projects I’d worked on for the year (including all the firm-credit stuff like recruiting, business development, mentoring young associates, serving on committes and how all that stuff helped the firm), the skills I’d acquired (both from the billable work and the non-billable work), how I could use those skills in the coming year, and the types of work I thought I was ready for but hadn’t gotten yet.

      Make sure you re-read your responses several times and spell check them. I knew one woman who wrote all about her trail prep—nope, she didn’t go hiking on a trail, she went to trial. Ooops!

    • emcsquared :

      My firm has a pretty significant self-eval that is checked against the evaluations from other reviewers – for instance, if you say your writing is a 5 out of 5, and everyone else says it’s a 3 out of 5, you’re going to have a talk about the disconnect. And if you note self-criticism or issues with your position, it will be discussed. The self-evals also eventually feed into the memo you write when you come up for partner, so it saves you a bunch of time to list your representative experience for each year instead of having to go back and recreate it several years later.

      But unless you are disciplined enough to keep a running file of things you want to note in your self-eval, it is just a snapshot in time, and most people understand that. FWIW, the two times I’ve had significant issues that I haven’t been able to resolve on a day-to-day basis, I sent myself regular e-mails about the status of the problem and then stuck them in a special e-mail folder, which was very helpful when I went to fill out my self-eval.

  16. Anne Shirley :

    Can we talk about the NYTimes article on actresses who are neither extremely slender nor extremely large? A) TCFKAG please find out where the dresses in the accompanying photo are from because they both look fabulous and B) sometimes Lena Dunham just makes me feel old, but I will live her til my dying day for her comment that no, she hasn’t been trying to lose weight because she decided to have some other concerns in her life. Trying to own that thought for myself

    • Anne Shirley :

      Love her. Not live her. That just sounds creepy.

    • I found the MIndy Project dress on Posseionista (which was from Herve Ledger — called a b*ndage dress).

      Haven’t found the Lena Dunham dress, though there are some similar ones out there. I assume you don’t really want the red swimsuit that Lady Gaga was wearing, right?

    • The line that got me was the bit about “moderate immoderation.” Is the author trying to say that being model/actress-skinny = moderation?

  17. I posted yesterday about earning a Master’s in Applied Econ for the purposes of going into consulting.

    Thank you to all that responded! I really liked the suggestion about the combined MA and MBA but am concerned about the cost. The degree is from a university with a good reputation. It doesn’t require a thesis.

    Can anyone else shed some perspective on this? Would it be better to have an MBA or a PhD for management consulting? My issue with the PhD is not having my current income for a few years. In addition to the fact I really like working so I am hesitant to leave the working world for fear I will have a hard time landing a job and I don’t want to go into academia.

    • No Problem :

      Is this a part time master’s in applied econ? In the DC area? Just curious.

      I’m not in management consulting, but I am in government consulting. Unless you get some replies from some management consultants saying that the PhD is absolutely the way to go, I would advise against it for several reasons. First, it is a huge time commitment and the opportunity cost is very large. Econ PhDs are 4-5 years, and even if you get a stipend, as you say, that’s a long time to have a lower income and not be contributing to savings/retirement. Also, I think you’d really need to LOVE academia and LOVE econ if you’re going to go for a PhD. One colleague equated her PhD with intellectual hazing. She absolutely hated it. Another friend is doing a PhD in biology and when asked what he wants to do when he’s done, he answers, “anything but science.”

      Second, don’t assume that having a PhD ensures job security. Guess who the first people are to get laid off if your company loses a big contract? The PhDs, who are much more expensive to keep on staff than those with lower degrees. Third, I know you’re really interested in management consulting now, but do you know it’s what you want to do for the rest of your career? I’ve been in consulting for five years and while I’m not ready to quit my job tomorrow, I’m really tired of certain aspects of the culture and know that I could not spend the rest of my career doing this.

      Obviously the folks in my office who have PhDs bring a lot of valuable experience to the table. But I’m not sure that somebody with an econ PhD and somebody else with an econ MS plus 2-3 years of consulting experience are that far apart. You can certainly get into consulting with just the MS and work up to having that “valuable experience” while on the job.

    • Anon Consultant :

      Within my economic consulting firm, a PhD is necessary for the upper levels of management. There are some managers with MAs, but for the most part management consists of PhDs and MBAs. Also, a PhD in economics or statistics does not confine one to academia as much as you would think. However, it is still a serious commitment to the subject matter, if nothing else.

      I think it depends on your career goals and what aspects of management consulting appeal to you. You said you were interested in business strategy, I think?

    • In my field, management consulting, an MBA or MPA are the most common graduate degrees (although I am seeing more MPH degrees) and everyone has specialized knowledge in several areas/industries and industry certifications (CPA, ITIL, PMP, CPHIMS). Additionally, several have multiple master’s degrees. Most of top management does not have PhDs but a master’s is pretty much required to make mid-level and a must to be a manager.

      • Thanks for your responses. Eek touched on what I am struggling with. I know I need an advanced degree to move my career along, as well as the fact I would enjoy the person enrinchment piece, but I am not sure what type of degree to get. My initinal thought was MBA but I keep reading about how expensive they are and how “MBAs are a dime a dozen” so I was thinking Economics would give me a different angle/qualification than the typical MBA as well as the fact I enjoy economics and would enjoy studying for a Master’s in this area.

        Has anyone else been here? I feel like I am stuck. I know I need the advanced degree, I want it, but I am extremely concerned about the cost and the potential pay off. There isn’t the option for my current employer to pay for it. I am concerned about taking the time off to get the degree but I know if I don’t my career may progress slower.

        To the ladies that have already been though this: what things should I be considering? How do I get “unstuck”?

        • Honestly, in my field, a master’s related to business or the public sector is the most useful. I have an MBA and so do a lot of people, but 1) it shows you can do the “rigor” of master’s level work; 2) it shows you can do some sort of analysis at an advanced level; 3) In many master’s classes, particularly MBA you can specialize in an area, which is also useful (finance, IT, accounting). I paid for my MBA out of pocket, so I understand that pain. Don’t discount Executive MBA programs or programs designed for full time workers. And, yes, there are even some quite good online master’s programs out there. Quelle horreur!! But, there are – just research the heck out of them and understand how they do distance learning and make sure they are accredited. Sure, it’s great to get a prestigious degree and take leave of absence from work to do that, but I’d consider all your options. I don’t know if you have family/kids, but working fulltime and attending school fulltime can be done. Once you get your degree, do you want to seek other employment?

          It’s clear that you are career-oriented and you know what you need to do to continue progressing your career. Do you have a mentor? Ask them. What is your undergrad in? That may impact the type of degree you pursue. What industry are you in now and are you looking to change industries? Do you work for a large or small firm? Very small boutique firms need people with specific experience, but also people that are versatile to fill a variety of internal roles. How do you feel about taking admissions exams? Have you reached out to any schools yet? Compare their programs, attend some information sessions, get in-state tuition, and go for it. If you don’t enroll in a cohort program, take the required courses to get a feel for what you like before you commit to a specialty. I’m speaking from my personal experience, hopefully answering these questions helps you narrow your focus. I am not an expert on career trends, higher education, etc. etc. Hopefully you get other viewpoints. My best advice is that if this is something you want to do, start working towards something because in a few years you’ll be really glad that you did something. Good luck.

  18. Hopeful Professor :

    Hi Hive! I posted a few weeks back about applying for a legal writing professor job. I applied, so now the waiting begins! The position is for the Fall of 2013, so who knows when they will be getting back to me. I really don’t want to get my hopes up, but I think I am a solid candidate and this really feels like it would be my dream job. Wish me luck!

  19. ‘Rettes – I need your advice. I bought a trench coat on sale from Nordstrom one year ago. I wore it a bunch, but not enough to have to wash it even once. The zipper just broke (the bottom metal part completely detached itself and is lost). Can I return it? Should I return it? Does it matter that after returning it, I will be buying a replacement coat from Nordie’s for at least twice the cost? Thanks a lot.

    • Research, Not Law :

      If you would be buying a replacement coat at twice the price, I would (a) see if the manufacturer does free repairs and/or (b) take it to a repair shop. Zippers are generally easily and inexpensively replaced/fixed.

  20. My comment is awaiting moderation so I am revising it. I bought a trench coat on sale from Nordie’s one year ago. I wore it, but not enough to have to wash it even once. The zipper just broke (the bottom metal part completely detached itself and is lost). Can I return it? Should I return it? Does it matter that after returning it, I will be buying a replacement coat from Nordie’s for at least twice the cost? Thanks a lot.

    • You can definitely try to return/exchange it.
      I have taken pants back to be repaired by Nordstrom tailors when the back seem came out after 1 washing. Could you consider taking it in and requesting they replace the zipper (free)?

    • SF Bay Associate :

      They will probably offer to repair/replace the zipper for free. Given that you’ve worn it several times, I think it’s right to let them try to fix it. If they can’t fix it, nicely ask for an exchange.

    • i’d be surprised if they didn’t allow you to return it. i once brought my broken sunglasses to ask if they had a repair shop recommendation, and they just gave me a brand new pair. of tom ford sunglasses. i didn’t even have my receipt or box or anything b/c i wasn’t thinking of asking for a return. probably the outer limit of their amazing customer service, but i’ve never had a problem in the few times i do return things.

    • S in Chicago :

      It couldn’t hurt to ask. I had Nordies replace a pair of slippers once when the thread holding them together unwove after less than a month. When I talked to them on the phone, they said if they couldn’t get a replacement pair in my size that they would take care of the repair. Couldn’t ask for better service.

    • I returned a coat to Nordie’s after a year when the buttons fall off. Call customer service and try. If you don’t get someone that will help you, hang up and call back.

  21. CurlyEsq. :

    Planning a last minute trip to Argentina next month. Would love your suggestions! Places to stay/eat/have fun in Buenos Aires? Also thinking of taking a side trip to either Patagonia or Iguazu. My preference is for Patagonia, but the tickets seem super expensive. Any and all recommendations would be awesome. Thanks so much!

    • There has been a ton on BsAs in the past few weeks (yesterday even). I’ve never made it to Patagonia due to weather (damn Chilean volcano) and other assorted issues. However, I love Iguazu. I’ve never been to Niagara Falls, but have heard they really aren’t that awesome. My parents were totally underwhelmed at the thought of going to see waterfalls when I was in Brazil and my brother in Argentina, but, like everyone else, they loved them and probably consider it a highlight of the trip.

    • manomanon :

      IGUAZU – I love love love it there
      As for other places I haven’t been in 4 years so I’m less helpful with restauraunts and shops but definitely check out the cemetery in Recoleta- it is beyond amazing an if you like bookstores there is an old theater that was turned into a bookstore that is stunningly beautiful (plus amazing selection)
      Also try a day trip to Colonia, Uruguay- its right across the river and there used to be (probably still is) a ferry across that runs all day.
      Have fun!! I’m so jealous!

    • Thanks for all the tips!!!

  22. Seventh Sister :

    Family relationship question for the wise and wonderful hive:

    My first cousin recently got married, and I’m wondering how much extended family contact I ought to keep up in light of recent events.

    I have a very small extended family – two sets of uncles and aunts, and only two kids between them (one set has kids, the other not). The two kids are my only first cousins. My sister and I are their only first cousins. Four cousins, now all married.

    When my cousin’s wedding was announced, my immediate family and I were told that it was a very small wedding, that only the wedding party was invited, and that we weren’t invited. I doubt I would have gone if invited since the location was far away and I don’t know my cousin all that well.

    But it stung a little to be specifically uninvited since both my sister and I invited him to our weddings. However, first cousin is a guy, I suspect his wife’s family insisted on paying for the wedding, and having suffered through his sibling’s dry wedding* it wasn’t going to be the highlight of my year.

    My aunt then sent around pictures of the wedding to us after the fact. There were easily a hundred guests in attendance, a full church, full reception hall, you name it. My mother is ticked, to say the least, and I suspect my dad is really, really sad inside his gruff old man exterior (my uncle is his only brother, and his big brother).

    My sister loathes these people, and doesn’t speak to them anymore. I wish I had her sense of direction and purpose. If my life was an Aaron Sorkin television show, I’d tell the whole lot them off in a witty, punchline-filled speech with swelling musical undertones.

    Instead, I send them Christmas cards and answer the occasional email (I have resisted friending any of them on Facebook). I’m planning to send a modest wedding gift, but I’m wondering if this wedding thing was the final kiss-off and I shouldn’t bother.

    Thoughts? I figure if I keep in contact, eventually my cousins might interact occasionally and/or one of their future kids will show up on my doorstep after being kicked out of the house for noncompliance with family rules.

    *Dry wedding = totally fine with me. Dry wedding with raw chicken entree, my aunt in attendance, held in a multipurpose room at a public gym, not my idea of a good time. Also, these relatives complained to high heaven about my wedding, that there was liquor served, there was dancing, and even wine at the communion during the service (oh, and the priest had a tattoo and swore – twice! – in his sermon). Never mind that I’ve belonged to the same church for ages, teach Sunday School, we aren’t the right kind of church.

    • Seventh Sister :

      Tell the whole lot ^of them off.

    • My understanding was no invitation= no wedding gift, even if you like the people. Do not send people who you don’t like and who apparently don’t like you a non-obligatory gift.

    • don’t send a wedding gift. thats almost groveling at this point. try to let go of the grudge just to allow yourself peace. answering the occasional email to keep the civility lines open, but stop with everything else. wedding invites are a heated subject so try not to lose too much sleep over it, but the lying is really rude.

    • SF Bay Associate :

      You are not obligated to send a gift unless you attended the wedding. Weddings can be the perfect storm of family drama… maybe they were utter jerks that didn’t invite you on purpose, maybe the bride’s mother took over the entire wedding and the couple had no say, not getting the tiny wedding they were originally planning. Who knows. If you want to keep the door open, send a card with a thoughtful note of well wishes and a small gift like a nice picture frame. Maybe mention that the enclosed picture frame was inspired by the beautiful wedding pictures (i.e. I know you f’ers had a big wedding and we weren’t invited, without actually saying that) and that you wish them happiness. Don’t expect them to respond. Your conscience is then clear to write them off (if you want to) until they extend an olive branch to you. Maybe they’ll grow up in a few years and want to reconnect with their cousins. Maybe they won’t.

    • MaggieLizer :

      Being excluded from a wedding is not in itself grounds for cutting off contact with family, imo. Wedding invite lists are weird and stressful and people get included or not for all kinds of reasons that may or may not make a lot of sense to anyone other than the bride and groom. I wouldn’t take it too personally. Keep sending Christmas cards and occasional emails and call it a day.

      And don’t send a wedding gift. You’re not under any obligation to send a gift to someone who didn’t invite you to his wedding. It would be nice of you to send something if they had in fact had a super small ceremony, but even then I think it would be optional.

    • You don’t mention if you were particularly close to these cousins before the snub. My family is quite small as well but we are not close and mostly keep in touch out of respect for one of our elder family members. I’ve been to some of their weddings but would be hesitant to invite them to mine if my mother wouldn’t object. After hearing how they complained about your wedding, do you even want these people as friends? I wouldn’t address the snub, definitely would not send a gift, but would probably continue to send cards or the occasional email.

      • Seventh Sister :

        Not particularly close to either cousin, though some of that is geographical distance. Also, a lot of the drama is filtered through my mom and my aunt, so I never know how much of the conflict is a mother-loyalty thing or a genuine, we truly dislike you kind of thing. I suspect it’s a little bit of both.

        If I was on the other side of this, I would probably limit contact with me so as not to upset my mother. I know being related isn’t everything, but I envy people with normal extended families.

        It’s not really about the non-invite, it’s more about the lie.

    • Research, Not Law :

      Hmm. My first response is “ouch! Drop them!” But then I realized that my own wedding could have appeared similar and I wouldn’t have wanted it to be misinterpreted as an insult. Wedding invitation dynamics are complex.

      I would not send a gift. Standard etiquette is to only send one if you receive an invite anyway. Similar to SF, I would send a card wishing them well and saying that you saw pictures and are disappointed to have missed such a great time.

      I’d keep them all on the Christmas card list. It sounds like the wedding invite is only one insult in a pattern that would make me less inclined to try to go any further with your aunt and maybe the cousin, but it’s unclear to me as to whether the rest of the family is culpable. I don’t think your relationship needs to be equal with every member.

    • S in Chicago :

      Is it possible that you and your folks weren’t invited because of the chilly relationship going on with your sister? You mention her loathing but not clear if there has been a sense from their side as well? It would have been hard for them to invite some of you and not all of you. There are some key factors here, too, such as distance and not a lot of contact that wouldn’t make me take it too personally. I would just send congrats and compliment the pictures you’ve seen and not worry about a present. One really never knows all the dynamics at play in a guest list. It’s also quite possible that what started out as a very intimate group grew quickly. Instead of viewing it as an “uninvitation” there also could be the positive spin that they reached out directly stating it was going to be small to try not to hurt your feelings. They could just as easily have not done that and let other family members do the deed. You’ve got such minimal contact now, I don’t see any huge downside to continuing it–just potential good in the ways you’ve stated

    • S in Chicago :

      Is it possible that you and your folks weren’t invited because of the chilly relationship going on with your sister? You mention her loathing but not clear if there has been a sense from their side as well? It would have been hard for them to invite some of you and not all of you. There are some key factors here, too, such as distance and not a lot of contact that wouldn’t make me take it too personally. I would just send congrats and compliment the pictures you’ve seen and not worry about a present. One really never knows all the dynamics at play in a guest list. It’s also quite possible that what started out as a very intimate group grew quickly. Instead of viewing it as an “uninvitation” there also could be the positive spin that they reached out directly stating it was going to be small to try not to hurt your feelings. They could just as easily have not done that and let other family members do the deed. You’ve got such minimal contact now, I don’t see any huge downside to continuing it–just potential good in the ways you’ve stated. But maybe I’m too much of an optimist sometimes.

    • I have a similarly small extended family. I was close to my cousin when we were little, but we’ve lived ~1,500 miles away from each other for 15+ years now. My cousin had a huge wedding, but he didn’t invite any aunts/uncles/cousins. My aunt was p*ssed. My mom and I could not, for the live of us, figure out what the big deal was. I got to see the pics and they were lovely.

      When the cute baby came along, I friended them on facebook so I could see pics, and we chat occasionally that way. I still like the guy. I can’t imagine him not inviting anyone as an insult. I’m glad they had a beautiful wedding and have a beautiful family.

      Maybe I’m unusual for not understanding why it’s a big deal, though. My husband and I were spontaneously married without inviting anyone at all. Maybe this goes back to the introvert/extrovert conversation from a few days ago?

      • Seventh Sister :

        The snub is really about the lie – that it was a small wedding with no family other than my aunt and uncle.* Also, everyone was invited to all three of the other cousin weddings.

        S in Chicago, I suppose that is possible it’s about my sister, though my aunt generally tends to act like my sister and I (both in our mid-30s) are still 6 and 9 years old. For example, it wasn’t until I got married seven years ago that my aunt stopped sending all correspondence to me to my parents house (they live 3000 miles from me, I live 300 miles from my aunt, and have been writing my own Xmas cards for almost two decades).

        This is really about my dad, probably.

        Thanks to all for your thoughtful comments. I’m going to pass on sending a present, but will probably send Christmas cards.

        *Apparently my aunt’s sister and her husband were invited (and attended), but my dad (uncle’s brother) was not invited.

        • Anne Shirley :

          But the lie is the polite thing to do. Standard really- anyone you aren;t inviting is told- ohhh, it’s going to be quite small. I think it would have been ruder if she had said- look, its big, but we just aren’t that close.

        • I think it’s a little extreme to call this a “lie.” Saying it’s a “small wedding” is just a way of being polite and trying to deflect the issue to avoid hurting your feelings. I think you really do care about this side of the family because you seem so hurt by this. But really, what have you lost? You didn’t have a strong relationship with them to begin with. Being gracious and kind at this point will just keep the door open, in case any of you warm to each other over the years.

  23. Cornellian :

    I know it’s late in the day, but I’d love feedback:

    My landlord is dropping the ball on repairs in my apartment. The two big issues are that

    -there is some sort of leak above my bathroom, and the water comes through the ceiling in to my light fixture, then fills the glass with rusty disgusting water until it falls off, then shatters on the floor. He came in once and did something, and changed the glass globe, but it’s doing the same thing. I’ve talked to him via text message, voicemail and in person about this over the last two weeks, and he has done nothing. AND
    -cockroach infestation. ew. ew. ew. I’m talking >20 bugs in sight when I come home and turn on the light. ew. ew. ew. I’ve only spoken to him about this once, but it seems to be against the implied warranty of habitability. I keep no food at home except in my fridge and in three airtight bins (ah, the biglaw life), and I clean, so I don’t know why they’re there.

    At this point, I”m thinking I’ll send a repair and deduct letter saying Hey remember we talked these three times about these two things? Send someone out by x date, or I will have the services performed and deduct them from my rent while providing you receipts.

    I think I’m legally entitled to do that in NYC, but I don’t really wanna burn bridges unnecessarily. that said I don’t want to get electrocuted in my bathroom, so… i should send the letter, right?

    • e_pontellier :

      The only way I’ve ever had a landlord fix anything is to 1- tell management co what’s going on, give them 1 month to fix it, and if nothing gets done, 2- stop paying rent. I know that’s not really legal, but if you’re in biglaw, you DEFINITELY don’t deserve to be living with roaches. Are you new to NYC? (you’re invited to the meetup on Wednesday Oct 17 at 8pm if you can make it! rsvp to e.pontellier.r e t t e [at] gmail [dot] com!)

      • e_pontellier :

        Also, I would call an exterminator and deduct the amount from your next rent check. Maybe have him come every month til the roaches are gone. Clorox-ing everything in sight (primarily my floors, actually) helped me get rid of my roach infestation.

    • Brooklyn, Esq. :

      I’ve been lucky enough not to have to deal with landlords who don’t make repairs (not making quality repairs, yes, but that’s a whole other ball of wax). I do not know the rental laws in New York but I’m pretty sure you can’t really withhold rent. I would look it up (or call 311) to see what your options are. It’s very odd that he’s letting a leak go on that is allowing water into a electrical fixture. You might try calling him about again and emphasize that it is a safety hazard. If he doesn’t respond quickly, call 311 and they will direct you to the proper agency for making a complaint, which would mean he would get hit with a citation ($$).

      As for the roaches, put out lots of traps. It’s surprisingly hard to find the ones for big roaches, but do get those as well as the small traps that are in every Duane Reade. You can’t escape roaches in NYC, you can only keep them at bay. And the traps really do help with that. (As does an exterminator.)

    • I was nearly electrocuted in my bathroom once (faulty wiring plus running water plus me splashing water on my face = flying back four feet and hitting the wall). Break the lease and get the F out.

    • The problem is with the bathroom of yours, not your bathroom. Usually, apartments have the same floor plan for each floor. So the landlord needs to go the bathroom above yours and check all the seals for the plumbing there. You can even suggest that to him.

  24. Miss Rumphius :

    Late to the thread but hoping you ladies can help me out. I am attending the funeral of my best friend’s grandmother tomorrow, which will be held (I think) at a conservative synagogue – if not at the synagogue itself then at least with many older members of the congregation. If I wear black pants/cardigan, will that be appropriate? I have been googling around but haven’t found a definitive answer, especially about the pants. I will also be attending the shiva this weekend so any thoughts on appropriate dress/what to bring would be lovely. TIA!

    • Maddie Ross :

      Quick aside — Miss Rumphius was my favorite (favorite!!!) children’s book!

    • Sivercurls :

      Late to read & reply but hope this is helpful. My own instincts are to wear a skirt rather than pants but I’ve certainly seen women in pants at funerals so I think my instincts are a bit too formal. Black sounds fine. I’ve seen people wear other colors (and have done so myself) but only within a fairly somber palette…nothing bright, or super cheerful.

      Wanting more info, I searched Google for “what to wear to jewish funeral at conservative synagogue.” Results below. I stopped short of reading about what to expect during a shiva visit but I’m sure that’s also on the web. In my experience people come in, chat with the mourners, and ask about the deceased. If it’s an evening visit there are evening prayers and usually a formal time for the family to remember the deceased. Afterwards people are encouraged to nibble something and talk.

      Sorry if this is way. too. much. information. You’re doing a good deed–your presence will be very comforting for your friend.

      From http://www.funeralwise.com/customs/jewish: “Women wear conservative apparel, a skirt or dress of somber colors, but they are not expected to wear a head covering. They should dress modestly – nothing revealing – no short skirts, short sleeves or open-toed shoes.”

      From My Jewish Learning (article by Dr. Ron Wolfson, reprinted with permission from A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort (Jewish Lights, publisher): “Dress appropriately. Proper attire for a funeral is a dress for women and a coat and tie for men.” Doesn’t say much else about appropriate clothing, but has a comprehensive list of what to expect, what to do, etc. See http://www.myjewishlearning.com/life/Life_Events/Death_and_Mourning/Practical_Aspects/Going_to_a_Funeral.shtml

      I only skimmed the article “Jewish Life Cycle: Death and Mourning” (http://jewishwebsight.com/lifecycle/death.html) but really liked what they had to say about speaking with the mourners during a shiva visit: “When entering a Shiva, Orthodox practice is, not to greet the ones inside. . Tradition indicates that the visitor does not start the conversation, only the mourners. It is appropriate to talk about the deceased , to reminisce, and talk about his/her qualities. The Rabbis understood very well the psychology of grief and did not want people to spend the shiva visit talking about trivialities, which is less comforting for the mourners than talking about the deceased.” (Scroll down to header “Comforting the Mourner.”) I know you said that the family is conservative, not Orthodox, so follow the spirit rather than the letter of this advice–by all means encourage recollections of the deceased, but don’t be shocked if the shiva conversation gets lively and cheerful. It happens, sometimes.

      There was discussion on C**ette earlier today or this week re bringing food to a shiva home. Consensus was be sure to bring kosher food if you know the shiva-hosting household keeps a kosher kitchen. IMHO it’s safe to bring kosher food even if you’re not sure the hosts keep kosher. Also IMHO it’s nice to bring something that can be frozen, stored unopened or otherwise wait to be consumed and often people are so flooded with baked goods that they appreciate something a bit healthier such as a couple of nice packages of dried fruit (gift-looking not just a box of grocery-store raisins). You don’t need to wrap it.

      More information re what to expect (skip if you’re already familiar with this), read “Guide to Jewish Funeral Practice” at shttp://www.uscj.org/JewishLivingandLearning/Lifecycle/JewishFuneralPractice/GuidetoJewishFuneralPractice.aspx . It’s well-organized with easy-to-see headers so you can skip directly to a desired topic.

    • Sivercurls :

      Argh–the links landed my response in moderation! Reposting a shorter version which hopefully will get through quickly.

      Late to read & reply but hope this is helpful. My own instincts are to wear a skirt rather than pants but I’ve certainly seen women in pants at funerals so I think my instincts are a bit too formal. Black sounds fine. I’ve seen people wear other colors (and have done so myself) but only within a fairly somber palette…nothing bright, or super cheerful.

      Wanting more info, I searched G**gle for “what to wear to jewish funeral at conservative synagogue.” Results below. I stopped short of reading about what to expect during a shiva visit but I’m sure that’s also on the web. In my experience people come in, chat with the mourners, and ask about the deceased. If it’s an evening visit there are evening prayers and usually a formal time for the family to remember the deceased. Afterwards people are encouraged to nibble something and talk.
      Sorry if this is way. too. much. information. You’re doing a good deed–your presence will be very comforting for your friend.

      From /www (dot) funeralwise (dot) com (slash) customs/(slash) Jewish: “Women wear conservative apparel, a skirt or dress of somber colors, but they are not expected to wear a head covering. They should dress modestly – nothing revealing – no short skirts, short sleeves or open-toed shoes.”
      From My Jewish Learning (article by Dr. Ron Wolfson, reprinted with permission from A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort (Jewish Lights, publisher): “Dress appropriately. Proper attire for a funeral is a dress for women and a coat and tie for men.” Doesn’t say much else about appropriate clothing, but has a comprehensive list of what to expect, what to do, etc. See www (dot) myjewishlearning(dot) com (slash) life (slash) Life_Events/Death_and_Mourning/Practical_Aspects (slash) Going_to_a_Funeral (dot) shtml
      I only skimmed the article “Jewish Life Cycle: Death and Mourning” (h t t p colon, slash, slash) jewishwebsight (dot) com (slash) lifecycle (slash) death (dot) h t m l) but really liked what they had to say about speaking with the mourners during a shiva visit: “When entering a Shiva, Orthodox practice is, not to greet the ones inside. . Tradition indicates that the visitor does not start the conversation, only the mourners. It is appropriate to talk about the deceased , to reminisce, and talk about his/her qualities. The Rabbis understood very well the psychology of grief and did not want people to spend the shiva visit talking about trivialities, which is less comforting for the mourners than talking about the deceased.” (Scroll down to header “Comforting the Mourner.”) I know you said that the family is conservative, not Orthodox, so follow the spirit rather than the letter of this advice–by all means encourage recollections of the deceased, but don’t be shocked if the shiva conversation gets lively and cheerful. It happens, sometimes.

      There was discussion on C**ette earlier today or this week re bringing food to a shiva home. Consensus was be sure to bring kosher food if you know the shiva-hosting household keeps a kosher kitchen. IMHO it’s safe to bring kosher food even if you’re not sure the hosts keep kosher. Also IMHO it’s nice to bring something that can be frozen, stored unopened or otherwise wait to be consumed and often people are so flooded with baked goods that they appreciate something a bit healthier such as a couple of nice packages of dried fruit (gift-looking not just a box of grocery-store raisins). You don’t need to wrap it.

      More information re what to expect (skip if you’re already familiar with this), read “Guide to Jewish Funeral Practice” at www (dot) uscj (dot) org (slash) JewishLivingandLearning (slash) Lifecycle (slash) JewishFuneralPractice (slash) GuidetoJewishFuneralPractice (dot) a s p x . It’s well-organized with easy-to-see headers so you can skip directly to a desired topic.

  25. miami dress code :

    what’s the dress code for dinner in Miami, around South Beach? Googling says that people dress up for dinner – does that mean super formal or would nice cotton dresses work?

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