Holiday Weekend Open Thread

Sam Edelman Lucca Bootie Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

The Nordstrom shoe clearance sale is on, and it’s pretty fabulous.  There’s a good selection from brands like Cole Haan, Stuart Weitzman, Frye, L.K. Bennett, Kate Spade New York, Børn, Anyi Lu, and more! (Some are lucky sizes only, so you should definitely filter by your size). For today’s holiday open thread, I’m liking these chic Lucca booties, from Sam Edelman — I’m not normally a fan of that much hardware, but something about it just seems awesome. It was $159.95, but is now marked to $107.16 (lots of sizes left in brown and black suede, ranging from size 5 to size 13. Sam Edelman Lucca Bootie

Psst: in other sale news, 6pm is running a $14 sale today — happy hunting, ladies!

(L-all)

Comments

  1. Senior Attorney :

    Dear lipstick-red high-heeled patent pumps,

    It’s over between us. You have hurt me for the last time. You are beautiful but you are crippling me. I am going home for lunch, taking you off, and putting you straight into the Goodwill donation bag.

    Signed,

    This is No Way to Treat a Valentine

  2. Newly engaged :

    Do you ladies think it’s tacky to post up photo of your engagement ring on Facebook? I’m newly engaged and haven’t posted it since I know I’ll be judged either way. For people who have asked, I’ve just sent them pics through text msgs. Personally, I like see its of fiends and acquaintances but I’ve also heard too much gossip around posting it up.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Congratulations!! I didn’t originally post one because I didn’t want to be obnoxious, but a bunch of my friends asked me to post one so I eventually did. I personally like to see them too but know that it bothers others.

      For what it’s worth, I figure people can just scroll past it if they aren’t interested. I definitely do that myself with certain types of posts or pictures c

    • Wildkitten :

      I like looking at pictures of all things sparkly, but it sounds like you’re uncomfortable posting, so I wouldn’t.

    • Yay! Holiday Open thread’s!!! I LOVE Holiday Open Thread’s!!!!

      As for the OP, No, I do NOT think it is tacky for you to p’ost a photo of your engagement ring on facebook. So many peeople will want to see it that it is ALOT easier to p’ost the picture there–that way, you will NOT have to take your glove’s off on the subway to show peeople, and risk touching the greasy pole where other peeople have sneezed and left their schmuutz all over the pole’s.

      Of course, not EVERYONE will have to see it on facebook. When you are in the office, you can show your manageing partner your ring, and if you have others around like Frank or Madeline, or Lynn, they will want to see it to. So congratulation’s and show it off. I NEVER got a ring from Alan (and I am not counting the dirty rings he put in my tub when he soaked his tuchus in there! — ha ha — a joke, tho he NEVER cleaned up after himself in the toilet so my cleaneing lady had do do more work b/c of his sloppyeness. FOOEY!

      Alan sent another text. Evedenteally the girl he was sleepeing with kicked him out for stinking up their bed. WHY did he tell me and moreover, why would I care? — I truealy sympatheize with her and can’t remember how many times I yelled at him for doeing the very same thing.! DOUBEL FOOEY! A new woman should NOT have to put up with that–in fact NO WOMAN at all should have to put up with that. I told him DOZEN’s of time’s that he should get up and go to the batheroom before letting loose with his gas. He told me there was some name for what he was doeing, but who care’s. It is AWFUL and women should NOT have to put up with that.

      Sam called me and wished me a happy Valentine’s Day. It was nice and I also got a text from Willem about our basketball date this weekend. I kind of like Willem — he is low-key but I know he want’s to sleep with me. I am considering having him over to dinner at Mom&Dad’s for them to have a much closer look at him, tho they are not crazy about his name and Grandma Leyeh warned me that his relatives may not embrace me, even tho they are NOT Nazis and not even German. I have to ask Grandma Trudy what she think’s.

      The manageing partner want’s to know what I am doieng with Benjamin, b/c he is concerned all about the Audit. All I know from Benjamin is that he could not resolve certain issues and he had to take it “upstairs” for senior review. The manageing partner thinks we could be in troubel and is thinkeing that mabye I could have done more to side track Benjamin. I disagree b/c what could I have done? I do NOT think that sleepeing with him would have been proper and I did agree to meet him in DC later and also on LI if he come’s home. That I think is all that I could do ETHECIALLY, so I do NOT know why the manageing partner is pointeing the finger at me for not solveing a probelem which I do NOT even know what it is! FOOEY!

      So I will enjoy my holiday weekend, a little with Willem and also with Myrna, and then mabye go to LI for a day b/c mom is bakeing cherry pies and I can take one home she say’s if I come visit. At this point, I do not care that much about my tuchus whenever she mention’s Cherry pie. I will work it off later, Dad. YAY!!!!!

    • I do tend to think its tacky, but in general I just think there is way too much emphasis on the ring. But you wouldn’t put a picture of your new LV bag or designer shoes, so why do it for the ring? I think put up a nice picture of the two of you instead

      • Anonymous :

        Agree. I remove anyone who posts this kind of stuff (the ring, the Tiffany box, anything that reads like a product placement from the brand of whatever expensive object they purchased) from showing up on my news feed again. It’s tacky. If someone wants to see it, they’ll ask. If they haven’t asked but want to see it, I’d fee like they are one of those people who want the ability to stealth-judge.

      • Picture Poster :

        You wouldn’t? If you get a really great pair of shoes, or really great bag…you never post that stuff? If you’re exited about it and it makes you happy, why not?

    • Maddie Ross :

      I personally am a split the baby person on this one — I don’t think a close up of only the ring is necessarily appropriate and is a bit tacky, but I love the “we just got engaged, I’m flashing my left hand prominently in the picture of the two of us while beaming” pictures. And anyone who wanted a more up close and personal view either had to see me in person, or request I text them a pic.

      • This is what my fiance did; he posted a pic of me (that essentially showed how he proposed)–I’m smiling and holding up my left hand but you really can’t see any detail. I sent a close-up pic to good friends who asked. But I definitely wouldn’t have felt comfortable posting the close-up pic on facebook.

    • What about announcing that you’ve gotten engaged on Facebook in general? I think it will happening for me quite soon, and I guess society is at the point that it’s normal. I guess I still think it’s the slightest bit… tacky? but I don’t know if that’s the right word. It is a great way to inform everyone.

      What are everyone’s thoughts?

      • I tend to feel like it is a great way to update people as to the fact you got engaged, but I tend to feel it seems a little tacky to post RIGHT AWAY. When I got engaged last spring, we told close friends and family first, and then changed our Facebook statuses to “engaged” maybe a week or so later. By that point, a close friend or two had already congratulated us on my wall or his, so I figured it would clear up confusion, etc. And I really did appreciate all the congratulations! Despite being asked for ring pics, I didn’t post any–it didn’t feel like “me” (or “us,” for that matter, to focus on the ring so much).

        That being said, it’s very much a personality thing and while I absolutely roll my eyes when I see immediated “OMG! JUST GOT ENGAGED! LOOK AT THE RING!” posts, it doesn’t really bother me.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        My fiancé proposed while we were on vacation with my entire family so they found out immediately and in person. I called or texted all of my close friends who I wanted to hear it personally from me. Only after informing all of these people did I post it on Facebook. It’s nice to be able to let friends know who I’m not regularly in contact with. These are the people who I like to keep up with the big events in their lives and vice versa and I’m sure they weren’t offended to find out via Facebook. The most important thing for me was to make sure all our close friends and family knew before posting it.

        • Ha- I guess as long as you wait a little bit, it’s more of “We just want everyone to know” rather than “omg brag I’m engaged eeeee!” Seems like a pretty good tactic.

          • WestCoast Lawyer :

            I would be so sad to think that any of my friends would view sharing exciting news as bragging – that just seems harsh. If you don’t want to know what is happening in your friends’ lives, why bother being on Facebook in the first place? I’d much rather see someone’s post that they got engaged than what they ate for dinner.

          • You’re absolutely right. That comment stemmed from my own issues… I wish (and have been for a while) that my SO and I were engaged already. Thanks for bringing me back to earth.

      • Although it doesn’t bother me when other people post announcements, I didn’t announce our engagement on Facebook. I told friends individually (in person, phone, text, email). Part of that was once I was done telling the people I wanted to tell personally, it was a week or so later and it felt just silly. Of course, the downside of this was when I did post a few wedding pictures half of my Facebook friends were surprised I had gotten married.

        I’m planning on taking the same approach with pregnancy/babies.

        I guess my take is that if I wouldn’t have told someone pre-Facebook, there’s no need to tell them through Facebook.

      • I had friends get engaged about a year ago and they first told most people (ie. those that were close and likely to be invited to the wedding) personally and specifically asked everyone not to post any congratulatory messages until they “went public.” Once they had personally shared the news with those they wanted to tell, then they announced their engagement on FB. I love the way they handled the whole situation – it was exciting to hear their news and share their joy in-person.

      • The FB announcement is pretty much like publishing your engagement announcement in the newspaper. (Do people still do that? I suppose they must.) Not tacky. It is an event of interest to your social circles.

    • I think the close-up is tacky as a public picture but it’s perfectly fine to text people who actually ask. I second Maddie Ross’s suggestion for what to post on fb.

      As far as fb announcements, I got engaged before that was even a relationship status OPTION, but I think it should be posted only after family and close friends have been told directly/privately.

    • Cognrats! My 2 cents – its not tacky to post the ring. I posted a picture of mine and I love seeing pics of my friends gorgeous engagement rings. But if you makes you uncomfortable, don’t post it and just share with close friends over email/text. I do think its tacky to post something that identifies the brand/cost, such as the blue Tiffany box or the carat weight – I know someone who posted a close up of the ring with the caption “[REDACTED HUGE NUMBER] !!!” That’s just gross.

    • People see this very differently, but I have to admit, I find it kind of tacky. It certainly gets a big eyeroll from me when I see it.

    • As far as I am concerned, FB is a casual medium to use to share things with friends and loved ones. It’s fine to be a little bit tacky as long as you’re having fun and not hurting anyone else’s feelings. You should post about what you care about (to the extent that you’re comfortable), and it’s fine to care about your ring itself as well as what it symbolizes. Don’t let people shame you into thinking that it’s somehow wrong to be excited about this stuff. And congratulations!

    • Looking back, I suppose I did post a “ring photo,” though I didn’t really intend it as one. I started a new job the same day, so I posted a photo of my newly sparkly left hand holding a mug with the company logo. Thought it was a clever and concise way to announce both. Context is everything?

    • I like engagement posts, but I find the ring pics to be annoying and materialistic.

    • just Karen :

      It may be tacky, but I did it, with the full squee – my husband proposed to me on a Friday evening out of town, and I literally wanted to shout it from the rooftops – so after calling my parents (who knew), sister (who knew), and BFF, I did the closest thing to shouting from the rooftops – posting a picture of my hand with the ring on it. I was too excited to worry about tacky or not. I also did NOT fill my feed with wedding stuff for the following 14 months, so hopefully no one removed me from their feed over it.

      • Anonymous :

        It just puts the ring as the focus. It looks like you are way more excited about the ring then getting married to a person you love. Im ok with the pictures of the couple where there is a ring in the picture but the picture of just the ring just screams “goal achieved- have jewelry” to me

    • I think it’s tacky – just like it would be tacky to put up a photo of any very expensive purchase. Even more, I think engagement rings in general are overrated.

    • wait, aren’t we talking about facebook? I wasn’t aware there were etiquette rules or any agreement on what is ‘appropriate’ behavior on facebook. Is this the same facebook where people post pictures of their lunch, and “Yay, the new puppy p00ped outside!” and the results of “Which Harry Potter Character Are You” Quizzes?? I iz so comfuzed…

      • Anonymous :

        I can’t tell if this is serious or not, but of course the same rules apply that apply in life. Just because its facebook doesn’t give you a free pass to be rude/tacky.

        • no, i am completely 100% serious. 90% of the stuff on facebook is tacky. It’s for FUN and for casually communicating with your FRIENDS. I think this entire thread is taking fb way too seriously. The reason I am friends with people on fb is because i WANT to hear about what is going on with their lives. That includes them getting engaged and posting a pic of the ring if that’s what they want to do! If I am that annoyed by seeing a pic of a ring on someone’s fb page, I should just unfriend them bc obviously I don’t really want to be friends with them that much.

          • Senior Attorney :

            I tend to agree with this. I post my lunch, and my workouts, and me at the top of Angkor Wat, and my son graduating from boot camp, and the spinach quiche I made with the veggies from the CSA box, and all manner of ridiculousness. It’s supposed to be fun! And watch out, because if I ever get engaged again you better believe I’m posting it on Facebook!!

            And oh, I took the “What Walking Dead character are you?” quiz, and I’m Rick!

          • I don’t use FB at all because I don’t feel a need to share every minute of my life with everyone I know. However what you post on FB is up to you. Why care what others think? If people think its tacky to post something that makes you happy then they are probably not very good friends to have. Whatever happened to freedom of self expression?

          • There’s a difference between posting whats going on with your life and being tacky. If your facebook is tacky than you are tacky. I’m thrilled for all my friends, but don’t care for tacky people bragging on FB. You are of course free to self express! Its your life. You are free to walk into a party and announce you are better than all your friends or post on facebook tacky stuff. Like in life, its all about how you present it. It doesn’t mean everyone has to like what you post/say.

          • +1million. No one here likes to have any fun. No patterned skirts, only boring posts on Facebook. God forbid you enjoy life, buy a purse and don’t put every extra cent into retirement.

          • Senior Attorney :

            I always tend to think that the only people who go around calling people “tacky” are, well… tacky. Seriously. Who even uses that word any more?

          • Senior Attorney: It’s like you’re inside my brain. I heart you.

          • Senior Attorney :

            I heart you more. ;)

      • I wonder if a lot of this has to do with a generational difference? I’m in my mid-to-late 20s, and so a lot of my friends and acquaintances are getting engaged right now.

        I don’t think it’s tacky to post that you’re now engaged, in fact, it’s weirder for my peers not to, although I agree family and closest friends should be told first in person/phone before telling everyone.

        It might be tacky to post a photo of just the ring and no accompanying photo pics, but still, everyone posts the “congrats” or ignores it. More commonly people post photos of themselves and now fiance/e and they get hundreds of likes and comments. It’s a happy occasion, so I don’t think it’s tacky unless you also post how much it costs.

        A few of my male friends have posted photos of the rings on their fiancee’s fingers right after the man proposed. I haven’t heard anyone call the men tacky…

    • Just to play devils advocate – everyone is suggesting tacky or bragging or comparing it to posting a picture of an expensive designer purchase. But what if it is an inexpensive low key ring? Maybe it’s not even a diamond, or perhaps a very small diamond. Is that tacky? Is it bragging?

      Also, it’s not something you bought yourself, so it’s not posting a picture of your paycheque. Would it be tacky to post a picture of a ring your mom bought you for graduation? A picture of the shoes your sister bought you for your birthday? Tacky to post a picture of you in your wedding dress that cost 5k? Tacky to post a picture of yourself on a trip at a nice resort?

      Personally, I didn’t do it because I am a very private person and don’t like to share too much online. But… Good grief, people!

      • Senior Attorney :

        “Tacky and braggy” = “Posting something that makes the person calling you ‘tacky and braggy’ jealous.”

        It’s not you. It’s them.

        • Anonymous :

          Its really not. Its tacky to post pictures of material goods. This is totally separate from whatever problems people may have with posts like “loving life in bermuda”

          • Senior Attorney :

            Color me tacky, then.

            I totally just posted a picture of my awesome new juicer along with the mess I made in my kitchen trying it out! ;)

          • See, it’s really NOT tacky to post pictures of “material goods” accompanied by meanings such as “the love of my life just asked me to be his/her partner forever and gave me {material good} as a symbolic representation of that promise”.

            If you can’t see the difference between that and “Squee, OMG< I just spend 2K on a purse!" then I feel sad for you.

          • Post above was for anonymous, not senior attorney.

          • Anonymous :

            Like I said, love the pictures with the couple together, even if the ring is featured. We are talking about the posts of just the hand “squee! Look at the bling” “so shiny!” “he did SO GOOD” pictures. There is a reason people post just the ring pics, and its not about the couple its about the actual ring. That’s why people find them tacky. Its really not a huge deal, and you don’t have to feel sorry for me that I don’t love pictures like that.

  3. Color Run :

    What do y’all think about the Color Run people suing this college kid after he threatened to sue them for using his photographs in their promos?

    http://blogs.browardpalmbeach.com/pulp/2014/02/the_color_run_sues_college_student_max_jackson.php

  4. Shopping challenge: lavender/coral/mint wedges. Maybe peep toe. Maybe with ankle-strap/t-strap. $75 and under. Looking for shoes for attending spring/summer weddings. Thank you!

  5. Philly meetup? :

    Hi Ladies,

    Any Philly ‘r*ttes out there? Would love to have a meet up sometime!

  6. Someone please talk me out of buying this sweater. It’s been haunting me forever. And now it’s on sale and only left in my size! But I really shouldn’t be buying anything else this season. AHHHH!

  7. Thanks for the heads up. May have to visit nordy’s on lunch.

  8. Jessica Glitter :

    I have failed at Valentines Day this year…any last minute gift ideas for the dh?

  9. bar application :

    I think there’s been some discussion about mental health and bar applications here, so I just thought I would share this article about a recent DOJ opinion on whether asking certain questions could violate the ADA as food for thought:
    http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/doj_says_bar_officials_violated_ada_by_asking_applicants_too_much_about_the

    • SoCalAtty :

      I wish they would change their approach. I REFUSED to see a therapist about my insomnia during law school, until my Aunt’s therapist agreed to see me anonymously for cash. It really was real insomnia, and he fixed me right up and my grades skyrocketed. I shouldn’t have had to worry about seeing someone.

  10. DC Wonkette :

    DUDE! I just read this article, and it made me angry (in case it doesn’t come through – WSJ article by Susan Patton). http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303496804579369420198599600?mg=reno64-wsj&url=http%3A%2F%2Fonline.wsj.com%2Farticle%2FSB10001424052702303496804579369420198599600.html

    If I followed this advice and got married to my college bf, I’d be divorced now instead of happily married to someone I met later (read 30s) in life. How is this type of mentality still alive and well?

    • Wildkitten :

      Her data is vintage.

    • I’m pretty sure that the WSJ just trolls in its op-ed section now.

      This is where the original Tiger Mom piece popped up, and isn’t it also where that Princeton mom wrote that article about how girls should marry her son?

    • Reiss Smithfield :

      I’m really mixed on this. Can’t really articulate why I find her so annoying – I’m afraid that it might be because I want to say this is not how things is – or how things should be – and she is wrong, but I am also secretly afraid to admit that she might be somewhat right.

      • DC Wonkette :

        I had the same initial reaction and then had to break it down… I don’t disagree with the high percentage of eligible, educated men that one has access to in a school environment over out in the “real world.” But I refuse to believe that one has to prioritize finding a perfect relationship early on in life instead of focusing on developing one’s career, and that the reason my single friends are home alone with Downton Abbey is that they didn’t marry their college bf.

    • Is this article old? It’s dated yesterday but I swear it made the rounds a few years ago – or something similar did. Anyway, I totally agree with you, if I’d married my college BF I’d be divorced or miserable. I married a guy who didn’t go to my college as did most of my close college girlfriends. I can only think of a few couples where both partners are alums of my school and in about half those cases they didn’t meet and start dating until after college and often in a way that was unrelated to our school (work or grad school as opposed to mutual friends/alum networks). I think she has a point that its harder to meet people after school, but if you’re going on to some kind of grad school, which more and more people do these days, that seems like a better place to meet people than college. So yeah, I think this article is BS.

      • I think the Princeton mom just re-hashed her infamous letter to the editor as a promotion for her forthcoming book. I am going to refrain from expressing an opinion, but I would like to point out that even my grandparents met after college.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      “So what’s a girl to do?” How about stop referring to herself as a “girl”? I couldn’t get all the way through it.

      If I had followed this “advice” I’d likely never have been happy, certainly not as happy as I am now. I was single for a really long time and learned a lot about who I am and what I want. One of the greatest things about my relationship is that I can be completely myself all the time. I barely knew who I was when I was younger, let alone could feel that comfortable around anyone except my best friend.

    • This article is infuriating. For starters, it just perpetuates the attitude that women who are single in their 30’s are single because they didn’t “try hard enough” to find someone and/or were focusing too much on their careers. As a single-30-something who put plenty of time/effort/energy into dating/relationships in college and in my 20’s, I find this really offensive. I would have loved it if my college relationship worked out, but it didn’t. In retrospect, I’m glad for that, because I’m a much stronger/wiser person now and will (hopefully) find someone who will make me a lot happier. But my being single now is not for lack of trying. I do agree that dating gets harder in some ways as you get older, and I agree that it can be more difficult to find intelligent men once you’re out of college/grad school, but everything else in this article is crap. Speaking of infuriating articles, did anyone read the NYTimes magazine piece about equal marriages resulting in less sex? I was surprised that no one posted about it here.

      • Yes to all of this. x100! I hate the presumption that if you’re single or haven’t had children by a certain age, it’s because you’re too picky or prioritized your career too much (shudder to think). Most of the women I know who took this approach of “I better nail something down fast before I’m too old” found themselves in relationships that weren’t quite right for them. Not always true, but you can’t really rush this stuff.

        As for the NY Times article, I was really sad to think that her position (that the more equal the relationship in terms of sharing household duties, the worse the s3x was) was true … then that turned to frustration when I realized that this was the woman who wrote that book about how women should stop being so picky and just settle for Mr. Good Enough. Also, all of her data was from one study in the 90s and anecdotes. She’s the worst!

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t agree with her statement that we need to devote more time to husband-hunting than career development, and her tone comes off horribly, but…what she argues about the pool in your 30s being smaller than in your 20s, that smaller pool not containing as many desirable men, that you will be bored with the level of intellect of many “dudes” you meet once you leave your top school for a midmarket city in a state where few people leave home, has all been true in my experience. So while the poster above says her data is old, my very current anecdata is on par with her data.

      The argument that I don’t get from her is where she mentions that many educated men want younger, less challenging women. This is also incredibly true in my experience, but (a) do you want those men, and (b) what can you do about that? Hit your head against a wall several times so you become dimmer and less likely to disagree with the guy? Meeting lots of guys in college and staying in touch is one thing, but dumbing yourself down is ridiculous.

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      I’m probably going to get flamed to high h3ll for what I’m about to say, but here goes:

      I think there’s a point buried under her retro-50s-you’re-all-a-bunch-of-old-maids b/s, which is that, for exceptionally talented women with career aspirations, it *can be* beneficial to get married/start a family earlier, rather than later – five-ish years (marriage + pre-school-age-kids years) ramped down or completely out of the workforce between the ages of 22 and 27 is, it seems to me, going to do less harm to your lifelong career trajectory than ramping down or exiting from 32-37. Entering law school/the “serious” workforce/grad school/etc. at 27 instead of 22 or 25 isn’t terribly unusual, and you’re not going to be seen as having the “mommy gap” on your resume in the same way as someone who was five or ten years in and switched gears. This is pure anecdata, but in my own observations at my prior firm, the women who made partner “fast” (mid-to-late thirties, 7-9 years in) were all either single or had been married since immediately after college.

      So, I guess what I’m saying is, all things being equal (and assuming you’re someone who actually aspires to the standard spouse/kids thing), it certainly wouldn’t hurt to meet your spouse/marry them/start your family younger, when (a) it’s less likely to impact your career and/or your career has more time to “recover” from whatever damage is done; and (b) you’re statistically less likely to face potentially heartbreaking fertility issues. Also, from an accumulation of wealth perspective, two salaries are better than one – having a partner during the early years can help with all sorts of financial issues like saving for retirement, home ownership, etc.

      (Whether we should be getting dinged in our careers for the “mommy gap” – or dinged by other moms/family/friends/society for coming up with a nontraditional solution that allow you to avoid the “mommy gap,” possibly at the expense of family time – is an entirely different question/conversation, and I think there are a ton of changes to be made on that front, obviously.)

      • I agree with this. The article is obviously intended to be provocative and make people mad (for good reason – links like this!) . But the underlying idea, that we need some pushback against the idea that you shouldn’t even be thinking about marriage/family until you’re almost done with your 20s, is important. No, it’s not right for everyone, but neither is waiting. There are a lot of benefits to marrying younger, and college can be a great opportunity to meet that right person.

        There’s this idea out there that marriage is some sort of final step, that it comes after doing everything else adult-wise, when you’re fully cooked. This is silly. Married partners can and should grow together. I married at 21, and yeah, I’m not the exact same person I was then and neither is he. That’s a good thing; we haven’t looked back.

        • I think the other thing that drives me crazy about this advice is that it’s always directed at men – honestly, I think that if men were more encouraged to think about this earlier, more people might settle down earlier in life. I can’t tell you the number of men that I know that are single in their thirties that are just now realizing that what’s missing in their lives is stability, a partner, and a family. A lot. And I know more than one that had that realization, panicked, married poorly, and is now trying to start over at age 40+.

          • Killer Kitten Heels :

            This is a great point as well.

          • tidewater :

            I agree–why is this message aimed at just women, excuse me, “girls,” and not the boys? I would have loved for some of my college relationships to have led to marriage but the boys certainly weren’t looking for their life partner! One even told me that even if we stayed together he didn’t want to marry me until he was at least 30 and had established himself in his career. I’m married now–I was 28 and my husband was 34. Guess he liked me because I was younger and less challenging (groan, we met in law school).

          • I definitely think that that is a fair criticism, but I would keep in mind that men don’t really read this sort of thing – these whole life advice columns are pretty women-centric in general because women read them. I definitely agree that young men need to hear that message, too, but I’m less sure what medium could be used to deliver it.

          • Well, bear in mind that this was the op-ed page of the WSJ, not Cosmo…

          • Yes, but it is the sort of op-ed that women read. I can’t recall seeing a similar one on any topic geared towards men.

      • I sort of agree with this point now that I am almost 30 and still single. I never dated seriously in college because I was too busy doing a double major, research, jobs and graduate early. I have done remarkably well so far in my career but dating is so exhausting and frustrating as I get older. I just want to be done and settled and not waste any more mental energy on it. It would have been so convenient if I met someone in college who was on the same page at that time which is actually not that easy. But if I was married early to one of those high achieving men, not sure if I will have the flexibility to focus on job opportunity/grad school if we had fit both our careers together. I am really torn on this issue, I am always a hard core feminist and glad where we are today but I can see the point in this article if we ignore her tone for a moment.

        • My problem with this line of advice is that it assumes that everyone can or will meet their future life partner in college. Personally, I dated in college–I had two serious boyfriends, plus a number of more casual/date-y relationships (or what would pass for that at my dating-allergic college)–and definitely would have been open to finding a husband there, but it just didn’t happen. That doesn’t mean I, or anyone else, are failures or somehow Doing It Wrong. It just means that we did not meet our future husbands during one four-year span of our lives.

        • As someone who just turned 30 and is still single, I totally hear you on this point (and, to be brutally honest, some of the others raised here). I didn’t date, really, in college, or even in law school, and having dated a bunch thanks to the online thing when I was 29, it does get really old really fast. I know, for myself, that I felt like school/career was something I could control – where there would be a direct correlation between my efforts and my success- and I didn’t feel the same way about love. I suspect that those who would like to see younger marriage in the population would do better to stop haranguing women about how they need to focus on settling down sooner (remember, women are only half of the equation, at least when you’re considering heterosexual marriages) and consider whether there are any productive ways to help young women who want to be in relationships – and eventually, married – actually have them. I’m convinced that shaming does not work.

          • And, after reading that, everything I said about trying to help women who want to have relationships applies to men, too. (And I’m another graduate of that dating-allergic school, so I’m not sure where Ms. Patton thinks this pool of eligible bachelors anxiously waiting to marry me was hiding).

          • Killer Kitten Heels :

            Absolutely. I didn’t get married until my late 20s, so I’m no model by the op-ed author’s standards, and a lot of the reason for that is because I wasn’t psychologically/emotionally equipped for a “grown-up” relationship until then. Someone wagging their finger at me and telling me to “get moving” at 23 was not going to fix my issues.

            I think young women and young men who want to be in relationships need more public discourse geared towards helping them figure out how to do that, and less of the “you’re still young, what’s the rush” and/or “get moving, you old maid, you” conversations.

          • layered bob :

            I think your point about considering ways to help young people who want to have relationships, have them is a good one.

            One of the things I’m very grateful for is my high school education – I went to a small private religious school that pushed getting married young, and we actually had classes on “how to date and break up correctly” “how to learn to handle your emotions,” and “how to be married.” (men and women both.) I know that doesn’t sound like something high schools should be teaching but for me it was incredibly helpful, along with my AP-this and IB-that.

            Those high school classes meant that by time I went to college I had already thought about values that were important to me, dating skills (like, recognizing when it’s time to break up, and how to do that productively), how to talk to a partner about my feelings (like, “When X happens, I feel Y, and so I need Z from you”), and done the math on managing a household and student loans on different income levels. So when I met my husband at 18, I was able to “date for marriage” and felt confident getting married at 22. We’ve been together for 8 years now.

            Yes, I was fortunate to meet and click with someone in college, and I know that it just doesn’t happen then for a lot of people. Both my younger siblings had the same upbringing and education I had and neither of them have yet met the right person in college. And my GPA probably did take a bit of hit because I was dumping so much time and effort into figuring out if/who/when I should marry.

            But I see how much trouble my friends have meeting someone after college, and I frequently hear, “there were so many guys I liked in college but I just wasn’t ready/didn’t know how/couldn’t make the relationship work.” And I wonder if they had had more support from their education and families in the idea that “you CAN get married young and have a career, and here are some skills you’ll need to do that,” then maybe they could have been ready in college, when it was easier to meet good men?

          • I do agree with all of this. I would love to have more of a discourse around dealing with relationships, earlier, for both genders. One of my professors said something interesting the other day: that the only place she ever heard women talk about marriage in college was in her sorority, and that while she kind of regretted rushing, in retrospect having those conversations about how to find a partner, why it was important to make that a focus, etc. set her up for the life that she currently has–which is to say, extremely successful in her career (she was just profiled, for example, in a major industry publication), but also married, with a really cool kid. I certainly never had anyone in my peer group talk about where we’d like to be, relationship-wise, say five years post-graduation.

          • Rats, in moderation for the dreaded e t t e ending.

            I do agree with all of this. I would love to have more of a discourse around dealing with relationships, earlier, for both genders. One of my professors said something interesting the other day: that the only place she ever heard women talk about marriage in college was in her sorority, and that while she kind of regr e t t e d rushing, in retrospect having those conversations about how to find a partner, why it was important to make that a focus, etc. set her up for the life that she currently has–which is to say, extremely successful in her career, but also married, with a really cool kid. I certainly never had anyone in my peer group talk about where we’d like to be, relationship-wise, say five years post-graduation.

      • I agree with you, at least for my own experience. I got married in college, had my 3rd baby just after turning 30 (even after having a few miscarriages), and didn’t really start focusing on my career until my youngest was 2 (although I always worked p/t from home when my boys were little). Now I have a great career, only 6 years later. And I don’t have to worry about interrupting it to have children. I know some of that was luck, but I think lots of it wasn’t.

        I do know I’m an unusual case, though. I actually found a guy I wanted to marry, and he wanted to marry me, and we work pretty well together as a team. Everything isn’t sunshine and roses all the time, but it’s pretty good. We like to say we’re the exception that proves the rule that your marriage won’t be successful if you marry too young.

      • I do think that what people are reacting to – because it’s what I react to in articles like this – is the idea that women don’t meet their future spouses in college for lack of trying. I would have loved to meet a great guy in college and to have married younger, but I didn’t meet the right partner for me then, and a lot of women don’t.

        My admittedly anecdotal evidence tends to suggest that there are two sweet spots for having kids, and those are early (when the career penalty associated with taking maternity leave, even an extended one, is lower) and later (when you’re established enough career-wise that the hit to your finances and to your position in your workplace/industry will be minimal), but that the middle is tough. Even were I married now, at this point, I would be postponing childbearing until after I make partner – I can’t afford to downshift right now (I’m a sixth year, and will be up for partner at the end of year seven).

        • I also have to add: yes, I’m dating after 30 and having a hard time meeting a good guy, but…the guys in college weren’t that impressive either. I mean, there’s no one I met in college that I look back on and thank, MAN, that guy was a catch!

          The benefit that I think you often get in college that’s harder post-college is the opportunity to get to know someone well before you start dating. My best relationships started as friendships; that’s rarer in grown-up world, just because of the patterns of social interaction.

    • At what point are people going to stop pretending that any decent guy is “put off” if you sleep with him “too soon”? To me that’s the most irritating thing in a string of infuriating thoughts in this article. If a guy wants to (and does!) sleep with you right off the bat, but the fact that you behave in exactly the same way somehow devalues you in his eyes, then he is an idiot loser, and you are better of knowing that immediately. Admittedly, I may be biased because my marriage started as a drunken hookup, but whatever.

      • Stormborn :

        I am marrying my one night stand this year. He liked me a lot that first night, and likes me even more now :)

      • Absolutely agree on this ..

      • Sydney Bristow :

        What bothers me the most is that this type of “advice” is directed solely at women. Promiscuous guys? No problem! Women? Shame!

      • TO Lawyer :

        The double standard is still alive and well. Some people still believe it though, which is even worse. Honestly though, if a guy (or anyone) is a judgey idiot, I’d much rather know early on so I can cut my losses and move on (or JSFAMO)

        • Yeah, and that’s kind of the point–if a guy is going to judge me for doing the same thing he’s doing, I want him NOWHERE near my special lady garden. Thanks for screening yourself out, a**hole!

          • Right, that’s what I mean. Sleeping with a guy only to find out he is a judgey glassbowl would suck, but still seems better than going on 27 chaste dates only to find out that he is a judgey glassbowl. For the record, I slept with my husband BEFORE our first date, with no real intention of there even being a first date, and it was the way he treated me after that – without drama, like a human person that he was interested in, with respect but not obsequious “chivalry” – that made me fall in love with him. So if anyone’s looking for a real trial-by-fire method to determine whether a guy is a misogynist, I’d recommend that ;)

      • I slept with my H on our first date. In 2002. So ya, I agree.

    • I am an Indian and I hate to admit that I am comparing myself to a colleague of mine. I am not jealous but just thinking about whether I did the right thing.

      I completed my undergrad in India when I was 22..worked for two years, had lot of male friends who were interested in me. But I hated my job, I decided to move to US to get a fresh start. So turned down many dates not to make things complicated. Moved to US to get a master’s degree in engineering at 24, started my current job at 26. There was absolutely no time for anything during my graduate studies as I had to work part time to support myself. It was incredibly difficult to meet good men as I wanted to marry an Indian man and they are so few in the place where I work. Without friends and family in a new place, I struggled a lot and spent so much time and energy on it..Met my current husband at 28, married at 29. I am 30 now and no kids yet.

      My colleague completed undergrad in the same year as I did. Went straight to graduate studies and completed the studies at 24. Got married at 24. Had a child by 26. Child grew up with grand parents till 4. Focused on her career during this time. Now the entire family moved to US. She is at the same level as I am or possible a bit higher as she has worked in the same company for last 7 years.

      Now I am thinking..which is the better situation to be?

      I also think every person’s situation is different..and it is not correct to compare myself with the other person. But if I have a daughter, I will ask her not to take a break from work (for my masters) as I did. I will ask her to complete all her studies in one go so that when she completes her studies. I would not ask her to focus on finding a man during college either but I would ask her to have an open mind.

      • Hey, I am Indian as well and came to US for my udergraduate degree and stayed here working. You are doing totally fine in my view, you are already married before 30. I will be 30 in a few months and still haven’t met the right guy, the pressure from my parents is immense. I can totally relate to busy school years and the loneliness. I see your point though, especially when looking at Indians who do everything by the book and a set timeline, no meandering here or there. You are doing well for yourself, you did what felt right at the time (working for 2 years, then grad school, meeting a guy later). It may not be the perfect linear timeline like your collegue, but so what? May be she settled under lot of presuure or got incredibly lucky, you took your time for what was right in your life situation.

    • Anonymous :

      Honestly, I don’t think there is any one “right” path for anyone and its absurd to state that everyone should be focused on finding a husband in college. In a Tara Brach book I read (Radical Acceptance?) she wrote something to the effect of: “In this moment, you are exactly where you are meant to be.” That really stuck with me. While it might be the right decision for some people to search out a partner early in life, it is a personal decision. Yes, it may be more difficult to find a partner after college – just like its more difficult to find and make friends when you are not in college – but it is not impossible.

      I didn’t really date in college or law school because I was focused on my education and taking advantage of some pretty amazing opportunities to go abroad and experience other cultures. Those experiences are something that I would never trade in a million years and they’ve shaped me into the person that I am today. Yes, many of my friends from high school and a few from college are now married and have babies and I don’t, but it doesn’t make them more fulfilled or make their lives better than mine . Our paths are just different.

      • Killer Kitten Heels :

        But I think, and I think what the author of the op-ed is responding to, is that we’re in a cultural moment (at least among a certain socioeconomic/geographic group – the “Girls” demographic, if you will) where the message getting sent to people in their 20s is some version of “if you want to get married and have babies before you’re 30 you’re going to miss out on all of these great enriching personal experiences, and you will be a worse, more boring, less valuable person if you get married at 22 instead of backpacking across the Arctic tundra for a year while building schools for orphans and having NSA sleeping arrangements with your fellow backpacking volunteers.”

        If the paths you’re laying out are truly “just different,” I wouldn’t have to sit at dinner parties with single acquaintances who feel the need to wax poetic for 30 minutes on their “transformative” semester in Europe at 19 and how they’re “just really focused on their careers right now, because they’re just really driven and ambitious and just don’t feel the need to have a conventional relationship” whenever one of the marrieds in the group glancingly mentions having a spouse.

        Never mind that what you’re laying out is a completely false dichotomy anyway. It’s not “Europe and education and OMG AMAZING culturestuff” OR “marriage and babies.” You can have both. You can have neither. Me personally, I didn’t find my husband until my late 20s, AND I didn’t have any “amazing opportunities to go abroad and experience other cultures” in my 20s either – so what am I, a double loser?

        • I get what you’re saying and I generally agree, but I think that singles talking about being too focused on their career to get a spouse is often a fairly reasonable response to the constant “why are you still single?” pressure from society and friends. I know I used it to shut people up when I was single. And frankly I’d rather hear about someones “transformative semester in Europe” (as eyeroll-y as that description is), whether that person is married or single, than hear smug marrieds talk about how their life is so great and they’re so lucky to have found each other and it will happen soon for their single friends and blah blah blah – and I say that as a married person.

          • Killer Kitten Heels :

            But I’m not talking about people’s responses “smug marrieds” conversation. I’m talking about “what did you do this weekend” “oh, H and I went to the farmer’s market” “I went to the farmer’s market all the time when I was in Italy for a semester in college ::insert monologue here::”

            Or, my personal favorite – being asked if I’m married, responding with “yes” (literally nothing else, just yes), and getting the diatribe about how single acquaintance who just raised the issue herself is too ambitious and career-oriented for a relationship (so, I guess, that means, I’m not ambitious or career-oriented?).

            There’s a certain strain of single person who hears judgment when there just isn’t any. The mere fact that I’m married, or that my weekend plans that you just asked me about happened to include the person I’m married to, are not a judgment on single people, and I don’t appreciate getting subtly (and not-so-subtly) told that I’m a less valuable/interesting person because I’m married and didn’t backpack through Europe in my early 20s and I actually dared to date before my 30th birthday.

          • But, IMO, the reason that you’re getting those responses is because society, writ large, is telling women that they’re less valuable people because they aren’t married. It’s socially acceptable to have non-partnered fun in your 20s, but I think a lot of people here can relate to feeling sudden pressure as soon as they hit 30 that they have to MARRY HAVE BABIES NOW NOW YESTERDAY.

            And I mean, I try not to pick apart people’s comments too much, but you say that a certain strain of single person hears judgment where there isn’t any–but then it seems to me that you’re also, simultaneously, feeling judged yourself, by these European-traveling singletons. I think the solution to that is to approach these interactions from a place of empathy and understanding, on all sides, and part of that is understanding that you are on the privileged (i.e., married) side of that particular equation.

        • I kind of feel like this is highly perspective-dependent – your single acquaintances likely feel like they’re constantly bombarded with messages about how they should have gotten married earlier, should have settled for “good enough”, are at risk of infertility, are undesirable because men want to marry younger women, are missing out because you don’t know real love until you have kids…

          It all depends on where you’re sitting. I don’t think anyone *ever* told me not to settle down in my 20s. My parents married at 23. So did most of my friends. I married at 26, and divorced at 29, and yes, there are experiences that I’ve had as a result of spending most of my adult life as a single person that I most likely wouldn’t have had as a married person. I get a bit of a pass because I was married, but I think a lot of single women over 30 feel like they get a consistent message of “UR DOIN IT RONG” from society, and so there’s a reaction to that.

          It’s kind of like the mommy wars: stay at home moms feel like society dismisses them because they’ve thrown away their education to be glorified nannies, working moms feel like society tells them they’re failing their children by leaving them to be raised by strangers (NOTE: exaggeration intended, in both cases). “Different things work for different people” just doesn’t get space on the editorial page (or a book deal).

        • Anonymous :

          Killer Kitten Heels, it sounds like you are also hearing judgment were there isn’t any. Nobody is saying that you are a less interesting person because you didn’t go abroad and are currently married.

          In my comment, I simply used the example of going abroad because that was my own personal experience. I wasn’t trying to indicate that there are only 2 life paths and that anybody who doesn’t follow one is a loser. The point I was trying to make is that everybody’s life paths are different – one path is not better than the other. I enjoy watching the paths my friends lives have taken and celebrating major milestones with them and I don’t think my experiences are superior to theirs. But I also appreciate that I am who I am because of the experiences I’ve had and that those experiences wouldn’t have been the same if I had been focused on finding a partner at that stage in my life.

    • Susan Patton :

      I went to Princeton and I didn’t meet a husband there. There were a lot of colossal cads and a few great guys but no husband for me. Guess I’ll be single forever!

    • DC Wonkette :
  11. I had to tell someone this, and it feels weird to talk about money in real life, but: today, 25 months after starting my first real job, I paid off my law school loans. Every time I think about it, I throw myself a tiny dance party at my desk!!!

    • Anonymous :

      Congrats! 25 months is a great accomplishment!

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Congratulations!!!!! That is amazing!!!!

    • Ahhhh I’m so excited for you! When I paid off my first small loan (I think it was like $8 k) I was so excited and really wanted to tell someone. I finally told one of my best friends, knowing it would be a risk because he and his wife have approximately 5 times the loans I do, but hoping he would still be happy for me. He wasn’t – I think bitter is the best way to describe it. Lesson learned. So I will celebrate anonymously with you! I swear I am going to throw a huge party (and only invite my family) when I pay mine off.

      • It’s such an odd feeling — it feels like an accomplishment, but not one you can share with many of the people with whom you’d want to celebrate. Definitely a potentially touchy subject though. I don’t even want congratulations or attention so much as the opporunity to share my excitement!!

    • I’m both happy for you, and inspired by you!! Congrats!!

    • ExcelNinja :

      Congratulations! Being debt-free is such an amazing feeling, and each chunk is definitely worthy of a dance party :D

  12. Need ideas for gifts for my bridesmaids. All are professional women around 30 in a variety of industries (tech, nonprofit, media/journalism, marketing). I’d like to get them all the same thing, for simplicity and so there will be no comparisons. I’d like to give them something both classy and useful. The cutesy monogrammed stuff I see on a lot of sites are not my style. All will be flying to the wedding, so nothing bulky. What’s the best bridesmaid gift you’ve ever received?

    • I gave my bridesmaids pearl bracelets. They could wear them for the wedding and they were classic.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I got a silver tennis bracelet at one wedding and a pearl necklace at another. Both were great and I wear each of them often.

    • I was at one wedding where the bridesmaids got cute pendant necklaces where the pendant matched the theme of the wedding. They could wear it at the wedding and it was also suitable for everyday use. I think the bride commissioned them from someone at Etsy.

    • Any alternatives to jewelry?

      • Killer Kitten Heels :

        Clutch purses that will work for the wedding but aren’t obviously “bridesmaid”? Weekender-style tote bags? Smaller matching jewelry gifts + gift cards (so you can customize the gift cards to each person’s preferences, but the value remains clearly identical)?

      • I gave my bridesmaids nice pens.

      • Reiss Smithfield :

        Vintage name card holders? Monogrammed scarves?

      • Maddie Ross :

        One gift I loved was a lovely and rather expensive christmas ornament from the location of a destination wedding I was in. It was a beautiful memory of the entire weekend/event. And for what it’s worth, the wedding was not around the holidays (though each of the bridesmaids did celebrate christmas… I realize this may not work for all).

      • just Karen :

        I bought my bridesmaids dresses, so had a smaller budget for their gift. I gave them each a minimergency kit (they’ve switched brand names, but this was it: http://www.amazon.com/PINCH-Provisions-Minimergency%C2%AE-Kit-For/dp/B001M500OI), a set of Philsophy bath 3-in-1’s that were wedding themed (wedding cake, champage, and bridal bouquet), and a heartfelt note about how much they meant to me. It seems like there may have been something else small, but I can’t remember it now. They were things that I liked enough that I bought myself one of each as well.

      • I gave my bridesmaids each a hardcover book that I thought she’d enjoy with a note in it thanking her for her friendship.

      • I bought my girls their bridesmaid dresses and a wool/cashmere wrap that could double as a travel blanket. I ended up also buying a wrap for myself and I use it every time I fly!

    • I got my bridesmaids “of the month” memberships for things they enjoy – one got cheese, another got chocolate, and I would have gotten the third one beer but for stupid state liquor laws. Instead she got flowers :) The good thing is you can do more/less months depending on budget, and it’s a thank you that has NOTHING to do with the wedding itself.

    • My friend paid for our manis/pedis for the wedding as our gift. We all arrived early enough to be able to go to the salon together. It was fun!

    • layered bob :

      I have been a bridesmaid at least once a year for the last seven years.

      Bridesmaid’s gifts I have received and liked:
      – food-of-the-month memberships
      – a cashmere scarf/shawl thing in a neutral color – wear it all the time
      – basic canvas tote bag (which I use constantly) filled with healthy snacks, a book, a headband, and the kind of pens the bride knew I liked.
      – a bright yellow, patent leather clutch – I would have never ever bought this, didn’t think it was my taste when I received it, and carry it at least once a week.
      – No specific “gift;” the bride just paid for dress/shoes/hair/everything. Bless her. It was great.

      Bridesmaid’s gifts I have received and didn’t like:
      – all the jewelry
      – anything that I “could wear for the wedding and also after”
      – magazine subscriptions

    • A nice Kate Spade clutch. All of the bridesmaids got them, but in different colors. I still love mine!

    • I’ve always liked jewelery best, but nothing wedding-related. Something simple and classic that they can wear for the wedding (if you want) but also afterwards. This works for me because my preferred personal jewelery style is simple/classic.

    • I got mine lovely monogrammed notecards.

      • Veronica Mars :

        I did not buy bridesmaid gifts per se. Instead, I paid for their dresses and their hotel rooms for the wedding. They all really appreciated it. I have been in many weddings and can’t even remember what I received as a bridesmaid gift for any of them. My husband received a silver keychain from Tiffany’s as a groomsman gift and still uses it 10+ years later.

  13. Question: is it weird/ tacky to invite someone to your baby shower when they weren’t invited to your wedding, in the following scenarios:
    – recently moved to your town and reconnected
    – gotten closer since wedding
    – just plain didn’t make the wedding list
    Basically, there are people I want to invite because I think it would be fun to have them, but I don’t want to seem like I am asking for gifts from people that I couldn’t be bothered to ask to my wedding a few years ago. I would just say no gifts, except that I wouldn’t mind if the other people coming gave me gifts :) And clearly it would be weird to email four specific people and say hey, just wanted to invite you, but don’t bring a gift…
    PS I’m not throwing myself a shower, but friends have asked me to provide an invite list.
    Thanks as always, ladies!

    • I don’t think that’s weird at all. Years have passed – you’re obviously going to have friendship changes.

    • I think it is perfectly acceptable to invite them and you don’t need to do anything special. Realtionships change. Especially if it has been a few years since your wedding and you have grown closer to them, there is nothing wrong with inviting them. I wouldn’t think anything of it if I was on the receiving end of this invitation.

    • I would not be at ALL offended if someone invited me to a baby shower but hadn’t invited me to the wedding because we weren’t as close at that point.

    • They’re completely separate events several years apart. There’s no reason why your friend group should be static, so I say go for it.

    • I haven’t heard anything saying that the baby shower and the wedding guest lists had to line up. Wedding shower and wedding guest, sure. But I don’t see why it should impact a baby shower list, at least when it’s a year or two out from the wedding.

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      The etiquette rule is that no one should be invited to the wedding shower that isn’t invited to the wedding . . . baby shower is a totally separate event, and your wedding list really has nothing to do with it. If you like these people and want to invite them, go for it.

    • I think its only weird if you haven’t grown closer since the wedding. If you have (especially if its a year or more post-wedding) it seems perfectly fine and natural to me. I’d be a little taken aback if I didn’t make the cut for a friends wedding and then, without any change in our friendship, got a baby shower invite (this doesn’t apply if we’re talking about a couple that eloped or had a tiny family-only wedding).

      • Thanks, LH, I guess it’s really this particular scenario that was giving me pause. I have two friends that just didn’t get a wedding invite, honestly I’m not even sure why — we aren’t so close that it was strange that I didn’t invite them, but I meant to and then didn’t (my MIL went nuts and invited way more people than she was allowed, so we did some ruthless cutting). By the way, for anyone who’s planning their wedding now, I have to say that I totally regret some of my guest list culling, and in hindsight, would much rather have squeezed in an extra table somehow than cut a few people that I like and who continue to be in my life. At the time, the number we’d decided on seemed so all-important. But those are the friends that I’m worried about, although they’re both such sweet people that it would probably not occur to them to be offended.

    • Have you seen these people since your wedding? If so, I don’t see why it would be weird to invite them.

    • Anon for this :

      What does a wedding that was presumably a few years ago have to do with an upcoming baby shower? The answer is nothing. Invite whomever you want. One has nothing to do with the other.

  14. Anyone have any recommendations for pregnancy blogs/websites that are geared toward working moms?

  15. A friend just had her baby girl. She lives on the other side of the country though otherwise I’d go visit. I was invited to her wedding but couldn’t attend due to scheduling conflict. Should I get her a gift? Any suggestions? Does it matter that I found out on facebook?

    • I just had a baby girl, announced it on facebook, and am in the process of prepping baby announcements to send (email and paper). I hope a friend wouldnt hold it against me that it was easy to announce on facebook before sending personal announcements to my real friends.

      I don’t think there’s any need to send a gift, but a note (email or text or phone call) would be really nice. If you wanted to send a gift, prepared food is the best — even just ordering a pizza from our local pizza place seems to be more than we can mange right now bc we have no ability to think ahead!!

      I totally don’t expect that you’re my friend but since I’m a brand new mom, thought I’d share my perspective.

    • You should definitely send a gift if you want to, even though you only found out on Facebook. You could pick something off of her registry that hasn’t been purchased yet (which is especially easy if you don’t have her address, since it’s already on there), send cute baby clothes (who doesn’t love shopping for a baby girl!?), or, as preg 3L suggested, send prepared food (or a gift card to a local or chain restaurant).

    • Food. Send food. Honestly, I am 6 weeks in and still eating out of my freezer most nights. It is great.

  16. Hoping for some thoughts from pet owners. My 50 lb dog growled at my (two year old) kid. It was a food aggression thing (not related to the dog’s own food). The dog has always been anxious, but several months ago our household went through some pretty major changes that impacted her routine and really upped her stress — and really, everyone’s stress level in the household. We hoped that the new routine would take hold, everyone’s stress level would come back down, and she’d get back to normal, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. She’s been acting more aggressive with our other dog, and now this. We told the vet about this and got her next appointment moved up to this weekend. We’ve got a safe place for her to stay until then. I know the default answer to most problems is “Get her more exercise!” but… Is a 3 mile walk every day enough? A 3 mile run? A 10 mile run? It seems like you could ALWAYS say that the solution is more exercise, but I’m not sure when to throw in the towel on that front and say that more exercise is not the solution. Anybody have any thoughts? I’m not sure if I’m more afraid that we’ll choose to put her down, or that we’ll choose to keep trying to fix this and that somehow she’ll end up biting my kid. I feel like any negative outcome will be entirely my fault. Either I failed to give my dog what she needs, or I failed to protect my kid. This sucks.

    • Dog Lover . . .Sort of :

      I just want to throw some support to you, because I’ve been in a very similar situation and know what it’s like (though in our case the dog had been aggressive for many years and had bitten adults before). I posted about it here, and got a bit of support and advice, but a bit that was less than positive as well. The best advice I can give is that (and you know this, but it can be hard to grasp) your first responsibility is to keep the kid safe. You’re doing that, so that’s good. Otherwise, speak frankly to the vet. I was really afraid to, because I felt like they would judge me negatively, but they were really supportive and understood how important safety was. Then, just think a lot about what your options are (Can you permanently keep the dog and kid separated? Is this behavior something that medication/training/treatment is likely to help? etc.) and know that you made the best choice possible. It does suck, big time.

    • If you ultimately decide not to keep the dog, could you at least try to find the dog a new home before putting the dog down? Many people would probably be happy to take a dog that isn’t good around kids, especially if the aggression has only occurred very recently (and could be attributed to changing routines or lifestyles issues). I adopted an adult dog that I would never recommend around kids — not because he would bite a child but because he’s 90 lbs and far too likely to knock a kid over. But since I live in a kid-free house, this was never a concern for me.

      • just Karen :

        +1

      • +2. My mom, for example, adopted a food-aggressive dog and has had 0 problems with it–he’s only aggressive in very specific situations, and is unlikely to ever encounter a child or someone who can’t manage the behavior in those situations. He’s a great little critter. People do give pets with behavioral problems a chance, especially (relatively) easily-managed ones like food aggression.

        Also, this is maybe way too obvious and I’m sure you’ve tried it, but can you just shut your dog away any time your kid is eating? Or any time the dog is eating?

    • Anonymous :

      I’m a little confused why you’re going to the vet. This sounds like an issue for a behavioralist.

      • just Karen :

        Behavioral changes in pets can often be linked to physical causes, and a lot of areas don’t have animal behavioralists.

      • SoCalAtty :

        My experience is with horses, but I think it applies to animals in general…new aggressive or “acting out” type behavior often has a physical cause…our first stop is always the vet to check for ulcers, teeth, etc.

      • Piling on with the yups. My dog started freaking out a few weeks ago–just acting like a complete monster overnight, when she’d never been disruptive or destructive in her life. Turned out she was having an allergic skin reaction that was driving her insane with pain. As soon as she got on the right meds for the allergy, she was back to her happy, polite, and low-key self.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t have a solution, but if you are talking about 10 mile runs to exercise a dog, it sounds like you are dealing with a very high energy dog. To get more bang for your buck on the exercise, could you try getting the dog a dog backpack and putting a few bottled waters or sodas in it so that s/he is carrying some weight?

      For the person questioning why OP is going to a vet, it sounds like the problem is anxiety driven, so anxiety meds might help.

    • Speak to your vet about this before making any final decisions. Perhaps doggie prozac would help with your dog’s anxiety.

      • Yes, talk to your vet about this. My dog had anxiety that turned into debilitating anxiety due to a couple of things that happened. After ruling out physical pain or illness, the vet put her on a 2-3 month course of Prozac and it was amazing.

        We didn’t end up working with a trainer or behavioralist, but I would not rule that out, either.

        • Did your dog’s anxiety manifest as aggression at all? I’ve heard some doggie-med horror stories (that my vet has somewhat substantiated in the past, though I definitely plan to discuss again at our appt) that make me hesitate to use meds, but I do think this dog seems like she could use some outside help, at least temporarily, to make her more receptive to the right training regimen.

          • No, it didn’t really. Our dog was showing a little aggression toward other dogs when both were on leash. She had been bitten several times, and we figured that was why. That did not get any worse on the meds, although I did read about that possible side effect. She is much more social with other dogs now.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      A high quality dog trainer can usually ‘kid test’ a dog to see if their growling is just growling or would actually escalate to a bite. My dog growls at strangers that come to the door. If they were to approach her anyway, she would give up the growl and run and hide. Other dogs would charge and bite. There is a way they can be tested for this.

      Most aggression can also be trained out of a dog. I get that you might not be in a position to do training while also keeping your kid safe. However, I humbly do not think the solution is putting down your dog because it growled. You got the dog before you had a kid. That dog relies on you to keep it safe and meet its health needs, physical and emotional. Just like your kid.

      Have you researched how to train your dog to be good with the new addition? Is your child able to understand what he/she can and cannot do around the dog? You should never leave a child alone with a dog anyway and I doubt your 2 year old is eating without you present. Can you keep them apart and feeding times?

      If you absolutely don’t feel safe having the two of them in one house, you should find a new safe home for your dog. Most ethical vets would not euthanize a dog just for growling around food. Did your dog have issues before you had the kid? If so, then again, I humbly think you agreed to deal with this when you agreed to have a kid – but I am very very pro animal and get very very upset with people who don’t treat them as they would another family member.

      What would you do if you had another child and your first child kept hitting and biting your second child. I don’t think getting rid of your first child would be your answer. You would seek help and make it work. In the most extreme case you would consider foster care. You certainly wouldn’t shoot your first child even if you didn’t want it anymore, right?

      Please find your dog a safe home if you feel you cannot handle both.

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      I grew up with a dog with serious food/space issues (dog predated me, mom and dad loved dog, and he was an otherwise awesome dog). The way my mom handled it was by making sure he had a totally separate place to eat/sleep hang out, and instilling in us from a really young age that we do NOT go into doggy’s special place. It wasn’t explained to us as a big scary thing, it was explained along the lines of “doggy doesn’t play in your bed, so you don’t play in his, okay? cool.” It made sense to me, even at a really young age, especially because I also grew up with clear rules about doggy’s toys versus mine (which I imagine your kid’s already familiar with, since it sounds like you have more than one dog at home).

      Since it sounds like this is a food/territory thing, I think it could make a really big difference to the dog to have a space that’s hers, where no other pets (or tiny humans) can go, where she can eat/rest/whatever without being intruded upon. It probably doesn’t even have to be a big space – my dog’s “space” was this little three-sided nook in our kitchen – his bed and bowls fit in there, and that’s where he ate and where he hung out when he’d had enough of us. In retrospect, he was a mix of two breeds that are known for being solitary, protector-types, so it makes sense that he wasn’t cut out for a 24/7 kid party and needed some space to take a break from us.

    • Anon for this :

      I second everything Blonde Lawyer advises. I have dogs, cats, a horse and kids. I had to teach/train each of them how to behave around the others and take various levels of precaution with the few who didn’t get along for whatever reason (schedule changes, new pets, etc.). It would never have occurred to me get rid of my dog because he growled at my kid once. And I certainly would not consider euthanizing him for it. That being said it is your responsibility to keep your kids safe. Part of that is teaching your child appropriate behavior around animals and it is never too young to start; part of that is supervising your child and dog when together. Kids, especially toddlers, should not be left alone with any dog.

      I have two dogs – one is a big lazy mellow lump who lets anyone eat out of his bowl, lay all over him, etc.; the other is much more high strung, requires much more exercise and training, requires more supervision around our other animals and has what I would say are controlled food aggression issues. I say controlled because we have worked on it as a family. My husband and I committed to more training and exercise for her but at the same time we committed to teaching our kids how to behave around animals. For example, we feed our dogs independently of one another so that our food aggressive dog doesn’t get irritated. We also don’t allow our kids to snack while walking around the house/playing. They only eat at the kitchen table. This prevents our dog from getting interested in the snack (our dogs don’t hang out in our kitchen).

      In addition to speaking to the vet, I encourage you to find an outlet for your anxious dog’s energy. Her anxiousness may stem from not having enough stimulation. Our more anxious dog needed a job. I take her to the barn with me. She patrols the perimeter fence and herds whatever animals she can find in the field (ducks, goats, sheep and horses are fair game). She follows me and my horse on long trail rides. By the time we get home, she’s almost too tired to eat. Try obedience or agility; take her for a regular run; give her solo time with you. Work with a behavioralist (the vet can recommend one). Try medication if additional exercise and training don’t work.

      As my kids got older, they learned the more anxious dog was not the same as our tolerant mellow male dog. They respect that difference and know what behavior is appropriate with her.

      My animals are part of my family and I can’t imagine even contemplating euthanasia over a growl. From what you’ve shared, it doesn’t seem like you’ve exhausted all of the resources or modified your approach to the dog/kids/sharing a home. Good luck with the vet appointment and please please please don’t abandon this family member. Put in the effort to make the necessary changes so that your dog becomes less anxious/aggressive and start teaching your child boundaries with the dogs and in particular with the dogs and food.

      • For what its worth, that was my panic talking. I can’t imagine the vet would actually recommend putting the dog down, barring some catastrophic diagnosis, like terminal disease. That’s the worst case scenario in my mind (well, other than the dog biting my kid and then being required to euthanize her under local law). I’ve calmed down and am trying to line up whatever resources we may need, and I’m trying to assume we can fix this – we will see what the vet says and what resources she wants us to prioritize. I’m also trying to keep this dog’s needs as a priority, & not just my own desire to have her in my life. I can’t give her sheep herding and horseback riding, for a lot of reasons (financial & time/distance constraints, chronic illness); but if that’s seriously what it takes for her to be happy and healthy, it’s not fair to keep her. Of course, I haven’t had much luck hunting down the mythical farm that will take her (and not turn her into a bait dog) – I’ve looked before.

      • But also – thank you. Your story makes me feel like there may be some way for us to make this work with all of us staying together, which I really really want.

        • Anon for this :

          Glad it was helpful and I suspected a lot of that was panic talking. It’s scary when a pet starts acting very differently/aggressive especially around kids. It took a lot of effort on our part to make the changes necessary (seems silly but the only eating in the kitchen was SO hard for the kids as well as my husband). We also dedicated space for each dog that is just the dog’s area/bed. That was a challenge for kids and cats but we’ve made it work. My kids are not as young as your two year old but my youngest was about 2.5 when we started having the problems with the our female dog.

          If you’ve got older kids (like teenagers) in the neighborhood who you are comfortable with, perhaps one of them can assist with some extra exercise for your dog. They could take her for a run/long walk on a regular basis. I am fortunate that my barn lets me bring this dog as it lets me combine taking care of my horse and exercising my dog. Otherwise, I’d probably still have a pretty anxious/nervous dog or a very out of condition horse.

          Good luck at the vet. Don’t be afraid to explore medication for the dog too. It can help manage the anxiety while you’re making other changes to lifestyle, routine, exercise, etc. If this particular vet is anti-meds, don’t be afraid to consult a new vet who may be more willing to explore that option.

        • Belle et Rebelle :

          Sorry I accidentally reported your comment – did that button used to be located on the left or something?

          Anyway, I just wanted to mention that my cousin had a similar situation arise with her dog after her kids came along – I think he suddenly tried to nip one of them out of left field. Not sure where it’s coming from (they had had the dog for years before the kids and he’s a great dog and well-trained), but since my cousin is a vet, pretty sure they have ruled out physical problems in the dog. Their solution has been to keep him on the other side of a baby gate from the kids unless they are all being closely watched. It’s a split level, so basically kids get upstairs, dog gets downstairs. And they do walk him, he has room to run around outside, etc. It’s not ideal, because you can tell the dog is feeling a bit attention-starved, but it keeps the kids safe and the dog continues to have a home with people who love him.

    • I’d recommend a behaviorist who can give a frank evaluation. Also, time (if ok’d by the behaviorist). Our dog had a really hard time adjusting to our baby, and he’s big and not wild on strangers. It took over 8 weeks for him to settle into the new aby lifestyle. While I cant say they’re BFFs, he does love her stroller (= walk!), her highchair (=food scraps!) and sniffs her with “respect” not fear/aggression as he did before. I don’t exactly know what the household stressors are, but perhaps it’s something you can have evaluatted.

      FWIW I have an ultra high energy dog. As in, can run for 5 miles and not get winded. With a backpack. But just a few walks a day and 10 minutes of very active playtime (tug/fetch etc) keeps him sane. Between me, DH, and our dog walker, we’re able to maintain this level of exercise. In the nice weather, we can really run him ragged but it’s just not feasible in the winter. Lack of intense exercise doesn’t make him more aggressive. HOwever, lack of attention makes him act out (and do things like steal laundry and counter surf). We have to make sure to give him atttention or he turns into a huge PITA.

  17. What language do you use in passing along the resume of someone you don’t know? Someone who went to my law school contacted me about a job. I spoke to her by phone and she seems nice but I obviously can’t vouch for her work product. I want to forward her resume to our recruiter but put in a disclaimer that I don’t know her.

    • Anon for this :

      A fellow Insert School name alum contacted me about our opening in X department. We didn’t cross paths at Insert School name but I told her I would pass along her resume to our recruiting department.

  18. Miz Swizz :

    My poor husband just went home with a migraine. Can anyone recommend OTC meds I can pick up for him on my way home?

  19. Olivia Pope :

    Help wording a “it was nice to meet you at that conference” email? Should be so simple…

  20. New to loving leather purses... :

    Random purse styling question from a regular reader who’s embarrassed to post this….
    This purse:
    http://www.lastcall.com/Pour-la-Victoire-Nora-Embossed-Croco-Soft-Grained-Leather-Reversible-Crossbody-Bag-White-Black/prod22080010/p.prod?ecid=LCCIGoogleProductAds&ci_src=17588969&ci_sku=prod22080010skuWHITEBLK

    I’m slightly obsessed with it, but not sure why. I’m thinking, ooooo, I always wear black and not brown, even in the summer, but white still seems a bit summery, so this would be an easy way to “summer-ize” my outfits! Even though I know that’s not quite the case. I also want to make it fit for casual and business-y (not full suits, but not toward the casual end of business casual) outfits.
    Please tell me how crazy I am, that it’s too trendy in color and or shape, and how it would be difficult to style. Otherwise it might end up being an early birthday present…

Add a comment.

Questions? Check out our commenting policy. Tech problems? Please report it to the tech team.