Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Tie Waist Crepe Sheath

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1. Hi all, I’m preparing for a 2-week trip to Europe this summer through multiple cities. I’m not an experienced international traveler. What are your tips for packing light but being comfortable at the same time? I’m traveling at the beginning of August.

   1. Plan ahead! For summer in Europe I do two pairs of sneakers, one sandals, and one flip flops. Really think through your clothes and plan to rewear. Like I’d want two pretty dresses for evening, and then skirts/skorts and tops that coordinate. Bring a little bit of laundry detergent and when you arrive somewhere you are staying a couple days, sink wash socks and undies.

      Lots of varied opinions on bags. I’ve done a backpack, a large tote, and a carry on sized suitcase and for me the suitcase wins. Yes dragging a suitcase on cobbles is annoying but so is hurting your back.

   2. Packing cubes and, tbh, having access to laundry mid-trip. I’m not the type to be hand washing underwear and bras in the sink, but being able to pack 7 pairs of underwear and socks rather than like 15 saves a LOT of space.

      Wearing your bulkiest shoes (prob cute sneakers) on the plane.

      1. I’m not “the type” to hang out at a laundromat on vacation so I do a sink wash.

         1. me neither, so I either send out a load at a hotel ($$ but worth it) or stay in a rental with laundry!

            1. Me too, hotel laundry FTW!

            2. +1 to hotel laundry

      2. +1 to laundry – either plan to pay to send it out or if you’re renting houses/flats, they may have one in-unit. Easy enough to launder clothes and hang to try, IMHO.

         On a recent family trip to Asia I assigned everyone (me + kids – DH did his own) their own color packing cube and then used painter’s tape to label if the packing cube had specific outfits for one of our destinations/events. This could also help if there are any events or changes in climate.

         And even if you think you don’t need them – pack flip flops and a swimsuit!

   3. I live out of black tank top dresses on trips like this. They’re comfy, cute, and work in many different situations.

      I’d probably bring 3 dresses, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of shorts and 1 pair of other pants or shorts. 4-5 tops. Birkenstocks, cute sneakers. PJs. 1 jacket or layer of some sort (unless you’re in Northern Europe in which I’d bring 2).

      Optional items I’d bring would be workout clothes, workout sneakers, a pair of cuter sneakers.

      A lot of this is obviously itinerary dependent. If you’re going to religious sites, pack an outfit that you know will be appropriate there + a scarf to cover. If you’re going hiking, you’ll want more athletic clothes + hiking boots. If it’s a beach trip, bathing suit + coverup. The suggestions I gave were for a city based trip in a warmer climate but obviously is not a one size fits all.

   4. Bring plenty of adapters/converters so you can charge your phone, watch, ipad, etc. The number of things to charge has increased and its nice to not have to scramble about it.

      1. on the packing light side of this, I got an outlet adapter for my last trip that has 2 USB slots and a plug, so you can charge 3 devices at once. Easier than juggling multiple adapters for devices. Also, you probably don’t need a converter–with the exception of hair dryers (which I wouldn’t pack and just rely on hotel hair dryers), most modern electronics you’re traveling with are likely dual voltage.

   5. I’m currently packing for a two week trip so I will be checking back for tips! I bring a carry on sized rolling bag that is expandable, then check the bag on my way home with souvenirs. Dress in layers and bring things that mix and match well. August will be hot but the AC may be chilly, and if you’re doing any boat tours you will need an extra layer while on the water. Don’t worry about being “boring,” you can wear the same thing multiple times and no one will notice. Limit your shoes, but bring at least 2 pairs of comfortable walking shoes so you can alternate. Don’t bring anything you will only wear once (unless you have some special event and it’s unavoidable). I personally hate packing cubes because they waste space, but I do use one packing cube for underwear because it squicks me out to think of TSA handling my underwear if I’m forced to check my bag and they search it. Always bring a plastic bag in case anything is wet when you need to pack up, and it also helps separate dirty clothes. Plan to do laundry even if it’s in the sink.

      If you’re staying anywhere for only one or two nights, re-pack the clothes you’ll need for those days in an easily accessible way. It’s a huge PITA to keep unpacking and repacking your entire bag multiple times. Have a wonderful time!

      1. FWIW, I was like this about packing cubes, but after giving them a try for a multi-location trip they are awesome. Due to compression they save more space than they consume. You can easily keep everything for Locations B and C folded untouched, they keep clothes compressed and – if packed carefully – unwrinkled, and if your bags get inspected, your things stay 100% organized.

   6. For summer I like polyester dresses that you can wash in the hotel sink and hang dry overnight. Pick a color palette for your wardrobe so you can wear a single jacket and purse with every outfit. It’s more important to bring multiple pairs of shoes and alternate each day. With all that walking you need to switch off to avoid blisters.

   7. Everything in the same color except for one red dress for nights out, all outfit fun comes from accessories. You can wear many things a lot more often than you think, pack Downy wrinkle releaser for an easy refresh of your stuff.

   8. This will seem gross, but my secret trick to not bringing a ton of clothes: panty liners and febreeze. Pants stay fresher, with a panty liner (perhaps this is unique to me) and anything that picks up a smell during the day (body, food, etc.) can be refreshed.

   9. Think about what packing light means to you. Is it just having one rolling suitcase to wrangle through trains, subways, and taxicabs? If that’s the motivation, then I would use a larger rolling suitcase that has to be checked but is spacious enough to give you the room for two weeks.

      I only say this because there are a few people who espouse the “only pack what you can fit in a carry-on!” philosophy and then complain all trip that they are uncomfortable or underdressed. Don’t be those people. Pack what you need.

   10. The answer to this depends partly on what part of Europe you are traveling through, what you are doing and how you are getting from one place to another. That said, you have gotten a lot of good advice. Personally, I wear wide legged, summer weight, black pants, a open cardigan over a t-shirt, a large scarf, compression socks, and my bulkiest shoes on the plane ( I don’t wear leggings because my opportunity to re-wear is limited; they are too hot for much of Europe in summer and inappropriate for a lot of locations). That means I have layers I can wear later if I am doing something where I might get cold. I have a larger sized personal item with a trolley sleeve for under the seat in front of me and a roller bag that I can almost always fit in the overhead. I pack a cross-body bag for when I am there.

       I like lightweight dresses but I gravitate toward ones that cover my shoulders rather than tanks, both for sun protection and in case I am visiting churches. Longish skirts with a t-shirt also work really well for a look that is comfortable and cool but also put-together. Bonus: you can re-wear the skirt. I usually do laundry at least once if I am gone longer than a week (either send it out at the hotel or at my Airbnb if I am staying at one; bring a travel sized laundry detergent if you will have laundry facilities available). While I find that you can re-wear the same thing multiple times the rest of the year, that does not work as well if you are someplace hot and humid where you will sweat a lot.

       Bring a hat, a water bottle, and an adapter for the countries you are visiting. I usually also bring a multi-plug/USB outlet that I can plug into the adapter so I can charge multiple things at once. I find that a small portable battery can be useful if I am going to be using my phone for directions or walking tours.

       Finally because the wrong shoes have probably ruined more vacations than food poisoning, bring two pairs of shoes you can comfortably walk miles in, equally comfortable socks and some foot powder. Sweaty feet will blister even in otherwise great shoes. If the sneakers are cute then hooray. But everyone will know you are a tourist the minute you open your mouth, if not before, and being able to walk is more important than looking good. (I say this because I saw some hobbling girls on my last trip to Paris and I felt so badly for them!)

       I hope you have a great trip!

   11. Thanks for the great advice!

2. I messed up at work on Monday. It’s still eating at me. Everything is fine, it turns out the mistake was quickly fixed (by me) in a way that didn’t hurt the client or cost extra money, but I just keep beating myself up. I’ve been in my job for 8 years and I feel like I just shouldn’t mess up anymore, but then I do and I feel bad for 2-3 days. Is this normal? Do any of you still mess up, or feel the weight even if it’s not a huge deal?

   1. I’ve been in my job for 12 years and am constantly finding out things I have been doing wrong or things I don’t know how to do. Fortunately it hasn’t caused any big problems.

      I beat myself up, too. I don’t know what the answer is to that. But I do feel that one cannot know all things about all jobs, and at least in my case, our training is a little iffy and things are constantly changing, and how they update us on the changes isn’t very thorough or systematic.

      So, you’re not alone.

   2. It’s normal to feel this way, but I think it helps if you just really remind yourself that you did what you needed to do to fix this. When you replay the story in your head, don’t forget to replay the part where you made it right.

      If you want to feel better about the scale of your mistakes, I could share a story about a colleague who committed massive, egregious plagiarism, cried when called out, and then ghosted her project lead (they were friends). She was already on her way out the door or she definitely would have been fired. I had never seen another case like that where it was so egregious with absolutely zero accountability or responsibility.

      1. Oh, was your colleague the person who plagiarized from me and then ended up in a better job than the one where she started? Still bitter about that one.

         1. Does her first name start with T?

            1. M

   3. Stop fretting. I once needed to prepare a Powerpoint for the manageing partner for the
      CLE he was giving at the Bar Association about Anti-Trust, or something like that, and I did not ever practice Anti-Trust, tho I did take a course at law school in it (where the teacher was oogeling me all semester). Anyway, I was in a hurry, and found a Powerpoint on the Internet from some law firm that seemed pretty close, so I downloaded it, changed a few words around, and put the Manageing Partner’s credentials on the first page instead of the law firm’s. Well, I was in a hurry, so I just emailed it into the bar association, so they could load it on their computer in time for the manageing partner’s lecture.

      I was embarassed when the slides came up that the name and telephone of the law firm was in the header and footer, and I never saw that until it was up on the screen. The manageing partner was shocked by it; and I think he told the crowd that he was using their template b/c of the nice borders and colors it had. I am not sure they believed him, and when I got back to the firm the next day, the manageing partner told me always to print out any Powerpoint before I give it to him (or the Bar Associaiton). He actually was happy that I was abel to find such a good Powerpoint, and I got an extra $300 clotheing allowance that month, so it wasn’t bad at all! YAY for the Manageing Partner and Anti-Trust!

   4. Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone is good at admitting to them or fixing them – give yourself a pat on the back for a smooth recovery!

   5. Hi – I just made a mistake like this. It was something boss is working on with our consultant before they take the ask/proposal to senior leadership.

      I emailed as soon as I realized, took accountability, and let her know this would be documented accordingly (PIP going on). I know this hasn’t had a major impact as the proposal isn’t final, slides haven’t gone out, etc. I sent the deliverable at 5 PM yesterday and emailed at 7 AM – so not a ton of time lapsed.

      I feel terrible. Part of it is me. Part of it is environment. I also feel like in my past jobs this was just part of work – as long as things were flagged/corrected before the high stakes environment and people are accountable it’s all good, and it is how I run my team – but in my current workplace boss uses this as a stick, so repercussions are different.

   6. Repeat this mantra after me: I will take only the learning that is merited out of this.

      That’s it. Do some self-reflection on how to prevent the mistake. A little beating-up is normal. Getting into a loop about it is not productive. Stop yourself when it moves past productive.

   7. I don’t know if it’s helpful, but I sometimes ask myself: If a friend came to me and said they “messed up at work”, what would I tell them? Would you say “You shouldn’t mess up anymore”? Or would you respond with kindness? (e.g., “Listen, mistakes happen! Everyone messes up sometimes — and it sounds like it wax fixed appropriately and no harm, no foul. Please don’t beat yourself up over this.”)

      Treat yourself like you would treat a friend!

   8. I was just thinking about this recently. I have over ten years of experience and I messed up last week in such a way that it might cost my client about $4k (we’re still trying to work it out, so fingers crossed). I didn’t create the issue, but I didn’t notice it when it would have been easy to fix, and I didn’t think my client should have to pay to fix it so I offered to refund my fee.

      I usually feel better once I’ve faced it head on, but I think it’s natural that something like that can shake your confidence for a while. I think people who don’t care about their mistakes at all don’t care about the quality of their work. This sounds like a platitude, but everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes it feels like you’re the only one making them, but I promise that’s not the case.

   9. I suspect it is “normal” in that many women feel similarly, but I want to say that it doesn’t have to be this way.

      I have 14 years of practicing law under my belt (plus a short unrelated career before that). I make mistakes! So does my boss, and so does her boss (our genera counsel). No one dies if I make a mistake and over time, through personal experience, it’s become clear that in other than a toxic environment, how you handle the mistake is 100000000% more important than the mistake itself and here is where you should focus. You fixed it. It was fine! It IS fine.

      Our workplace culture so often puts us on edge feeling that OMG THE SKY IS GOING TO FALL if you make a mistake and the reality is that is largely not true. It’s a cultural thing to make us work ourselves to the bone and EFF THAT NOISE. Mistakes happen. Life goes on. Don’t let work have this much control over your mental well-being. It’s not worth it!

3. I spotted an ad for a beach volleyball outfit with cheeky cut bikini bottoms. I do not understand how bits just aren’t randomly popping out in every match (not to mention the waxing bills). I love how workwear and even catalogs like Athleta are size inclusive with the models (they are still models, but at least you can see someone modeling a size 10) but I guess only a certain type of women gets to play this sport. At any rate, I started following some 6+ hour marathoners and they have been such great inspiration (I will run a mile but run/walk after that and then happily walk after that).

   1. I saw the same article about the marathoners. I hope they’re successful to keep courses open longer. As a former 5:30 marathon finisher, I can say that being at the back of the pack and finishing is still an accomplishment and a lot of work.
      The outfits that women in certain sports have to wear make my hair stand up. Men wear shorts. Women wear 2″ of stretchy cloth on top and on bottom.

      1. I have SOOOOO much respect for the runners who are out on course the longest. (I am a top third ultra trail runner fwiw). It’s very hard to run fast, but it’s also an incredible feat of mental strength to be out on a course for a long time, especially when not all race organizers are supportive and you have fewer spectators and volunteers cheering you on as it gets later in the race. I always stay at trail races for the DFL finisher. Huge props.

         1. As a back of pack trail runner, thank you! You’re 100% on point about varying levels of support, even from RDs. It can be super discouraging. I had a well-respected member of our local trail running group mock me and a friend as we slogged through the end of a race, and it really hurt. I suspect he was going for funny, but his comments didn’t land well.

            1. I did an overnight 50K hike that had camping in the middle. I was toward the back of the pack at the end of day 1 (I had an ugly blister I had to keep tending to) but was still really proud of myself. The volunteers encouraged us by reminding us that there was hot cocoa and (short) massages at the campground. Guess what – by the time us slowpokes got there, they were out of cocoa and all the massage slots were full. I did fine the next day, but it was really frustrating.

            2. I’m so sorry this happened to you. We need to do better.

               I’m also sorry that RDs do not provide the same support to ALL runners. Unacceptable.

               I’ll do what I can to help on my end. Keep running, lots of us are cheering you on!!

         2. RIGHT? I have a bit of a mental block at about 4 hours. I can’t imagine being out there for five or six. I do understand the hesitance in keeping courses open longer. Traffic control (cops and cones) is EXPENSIVE and motorists get testy, but when it doesn’t make the race prohibitively expensive to do so, they absolutely should!

         3. I have severe injuries in both legs that took me out of commission for a decade. It was a long, hard road back to running. In many ways, it is harder on the ego to be a back of the pack runner than a top runner.

      2. Can you link to the article about 6 hour marathoners please?

         1. It’s in yesterday’s first section of the WSJ.

   2. I absolutely love to see people getting out there doing races or trying new sports even if they are not at their peak fitness or in their 20s. So many are still ruled by the narrative that it’s “too late” to try something new and that’s never true. You can start brand new hobbies in your 50s and get 30+ years of enjoyment out of them.

   3. I point out to my kid, when she feel like she is bad at something that even at the Olympics, most people never see a podium. And yet in no way are they losers. There is meaning in a journey undertaken and completed (and even if not completed). No effort is wasted.

      1. I tell my nine year old baseball player that with the exception of one team, every single player in the league ends their season on a loss. If sports are only about winning no one should ever play, because winning is rare. Most athletes do not win.

         1. I don’t think telling kids they’re never going to win at sports is good or correct. There are different levels to every sport and athletes challenge themselves by moving up those levels, but they don’t jump straight to the Olympics or NCAAs without winning at lower levels first. You have to have an achievable goal or what’s the point?

            1. No one is saying that. It’s that it’s not so black and white as winning / losing. Are you running faster? If not, do you want to? If so, how can we make that happen? If not, are you having fun? How can we keep that up?

               I like to bike, but not competitively. I like to feel the sun on my back and smell nature and see beautiful sights. I’m not racing and I just want to do it more often.

            2. I think the issue is to define “winning.” In high school track, my wins were PRs. Sometimes it was doing my job – finishing in second place when a total superstar would take first and we needed the #2 and # 3 spots. It might have been to hit a time and a place in a relay. It might have been a top 3 finish in the league or qualifying for states. But everyone except for the state champion “loses,” so you have to figure out what level you’re aiming for.

   4. There is a girl who wears a hijab on my daughter’s track team. She wears black jogger pants also. I feel like she is a delightful child and wonder how she feels when it looks like people who dress like her aren’t really welcome in a sport. Exclusivity is related to size and comfort in uniforms but extends beyond it. We ought to try to get more people into sports and not do obvious things that make sports less welcoming to large groups of society (the Muslim world is a good chunk of the people in this world).

      1. There was some kind of issue in New York City where they cut the girls-only swimming classes in favor of mixed sex, which immediately slashed Muslim girl participation. It’s a big issue.

         1. I find this kind of thing so frustrating – swimming is such an important skill. The practical effect of these kinds of bans is that fewer girls learn how to swim. To me, water safety trumps “coed everywhere all the time in public accommodations.”

            1. Right? My kids have some grooming challenges now that they are in puberty and would much prefer a non-co-ed class (and swim shorts!). People die from drowning all the time in my city in private pools, rivers, and lakes (anywhere where there is no lifeguard) and it is so, so, so sad.

            2. Related: It seems to have been resolved (or at least people haven’t been suing recently) but there were some big huge fights over single-sex K-12 charter schools, though private single-sex K-12 schools are completely fine.

4. I am a manager in a small to medium company undergojng a merger (we are being acquired). The other company is supposedly less hands on with their subsidiaries, leaving them more freedom, but, who knows. I am staying on (it looks like an interesting oportunity and there is retention money involved). I have never been through an acquisution before. Any advice from managers and employees who have lived through (good and bad) mergers?

   1. Everything system and process may change. Don’t be the crabby ones that are adverse to change, they get cut first.

   2. The acquiring company is always looking to find redundancies and cut expenses. Make sure you manage up well.

   3. Oh man, this has been my entire career. Here’s some general advice:

      1) Expect a wave of layoffs. Probably not your team, but it will happen somewhere- usually in obviously duplicative roles like finance, HR, and sometimes marketing.

      2) Ask for transparency from your boss, and be transparent with your team. Make sure your team knows you have their back.

      3) Make new friends and allies at the other companies. Don’t let things become a turf war. The more you can create allies the better you will fare as things progress. I’ve seen senior leaders get into p*ssing contests over the dumbest stuff. Some of my more successful career moments were when I could make things happen within the politics of the organization.

      4) Related to #3, learn about NewCo! Try and really understand their products/services, and come up with ideas for how you ca be “better together” if that’s the play. I got a 5 digit bonus the year I put together a cross sell map for our company and our newly merged asset. It got handed over to sales and just took off. This was in the works, but I got it done fast, really understood the products and the applicable cross sales targets, and made several good friends in sales.

      Generally, expect rebranded everything, some leaders on edge, and other changes.

      1. Having been through multiple acquisitions (both buying co’s and being the purchased co) this is really great advice.

   4. Keep your resume fresh, retention tends to be short lived.

      1. Yep. No matter what the acquiring company says to the employees of the acquired company, they have no loyalty to anyone and may not “wait until the dust settles” before making cuts. Promises are just words, and if the company thinks they can save ten dollars by cutting someone (or a team, or entire division) they likely will. OP should update her resume and review her network in preparation to start networking, and keep her eyes and ears open.

         I worked for a company that acquired other companies, and know firsthand how easy it is for the CEO to get up in front of employees and say “everyone is valuable; we don’t want to make mistakes or move too fast; we don’t anticipate layoffs” and then meanwhile in the background I, and others, would be going through employee rosters figuring out who to cut, or making plans on how to reorganize operations in a way that would result in large numbers of people losing their jobs. Do not believe anything that comes out of the mouths (or email, or Slack/Teams messages) of either the acquiring company execs or your current managers/execs – your current leaders may be feathering their own nests/creating an out for themselves, and they are almost certainly not looking out for you, OP. So you have to look out for yourself.

         1. This, exactly.

         2. this. I write checks to make these kinds of deals happen, and you can’t trust anything you are being told. It is in the executive team on both sides’ best interest to say that things are stable when other plans are being made.

   5. I’ll offer a differing perspective. My small/medium company was acquired but they were specifically acquiring us for a unique service we provided very, very well. New Co had a small headcount that did what we did, but they were for sure inferior in terms of experience and overall market perception.

      So, despite some overlap between us and NewCo, my company retained > 80% of it’s staff. There was some natural attrition, mostly where that overlap specifically existed, but there were zero layoffs.

      Things I wasn’t quite ready for were cultural changes. Despite being what I’d consider a medium sized company, we were very tight knit. Decisions were not bogged down by process or people you didn’t know by name (Thinking HR, IT, leadership, etc). We are now part of a behemoth global company and it’s just…. different. We lost a lot of that culture of feeling small and tight knit. Our division is still relatively in tact but there’s no way to shut out the corporate overlords, policies and procedures that feel exhaustive at times.

      Heed the advice of others for sure and prepare for the worst (sorry, but true..) and I hope it’s more like my experience!

5. What kinds of pants are people wearing to the office these days? And from where? I realized I am down to one (Eileen Fisher cropped wide leg) and then one that’s part of a BR suit that’s really too long, but I haven’t hemmed, because I don’t want to reach for my slimmer suit pants. Recs for wider-leg office pants? TIA!

   1. J Crew Factory

      1. Which JCF pants do you like for work? Thanks in advance!

         1. I feel like I’ve seen references to JCrew Factory up 800% since… ever… on this si te? Is it really that good all of the sudden or is there a paid marketing team member tro11ing us? I mean, they’re… fine? I vastly prefer quality of real JCrew (esp when on sale, which is relatively frequent) and despite browsing JCF with some frequency, I rarely make purchases. Anyone else??

            1. I have recommended JCF here and it’s because I legitimately like everything I’ve bought from there lately, especially relative to what’s available at places like Old Navy. The JCF clothes are current without being trendy, they wash well, they hold up. I’m not being compensated in any way, just a happy customer.

            2. 100% agree with you. It’s just as mediocre as it’s ever been imo.

            3. I am with you on JCF. I keep seeing the raves and checking the website. I have not found the magic beans.

   2. Don’t sleep on Old Navy, I bought a few pairs of high-waist wide-leg pants from there, in chino and linen. My office is pretty casual though.

   3. Uniqlo.

   4. Anthropologie Naomi pants, lots of fabrics, they fit everyone well. They’re the new The Skirt in my office.

   5. I haven’t tried the wide leg options, but after lots of searching, J Crew is where I landed for new work pants that work for my pear shape (I’m wearing the Kate, which is the straight leg)

   6. Boden bi-stretch crop flares are comfortable, washable, and flattering, and the pockets are deep enough to use!

      1. I like these. Does Boden work at all for curvy/pear shapes?

         1. I’m very pear-shaped, and these are really good for me.

   7. I really like the Eloquii Kady pant for plus sizes –

   8. Aritzia effortless pants
      Madewell linen trousers
      I mostly don’t wear pants though.

6. I feel silly asking this because my parents live in PT but we haven’t spent much time in Lisbon. Kiddo and I will be there for 2 weeks in July, I’ll be WFH (WFL?) but reading/writing rather than calls. Where should I head after camp dropoff? Museums, cafes, parks I should see?

   1. I liked the National Tile Museum, especially for a rainy day. Also check out the Mercado de Campo de Ourique (and Churrasquinho do Barrio there for the piri piri chicken).

7. Travel advice please. Hubby and I generally sleep in different rooms due to different bed/getting up times and his snoring. We are ready to travel to Europe in a few weeks. Any ideas other than 2 different (expensive) hotel rooms? Thank you.

   1. Eat plugs. You can be on the same/similar schedule when you’re away and both will have to adjust to time change anyway, which leaves just snoring to deal with.

      1. Ear plugs, obviously.

         1. : )

      2. Earplugs don’t work for me. I have tried two different versions of white noise earbuds and they don’t work either. The only way I can sleep with the snoring is to wear my noise-cancelling Bose over-the-ear headphones. I sleep on my side using a doughnut-shaped travel pillow with my ear in the middle.

      3. Get silicone ear plugs rather than the foam ones sold in drugstores – much more comfortable.

         1. FYA They sell the silicone ones in the drug store too, often right next to the foam ones (which are inferior in every way). You want Mack’s brand or the generic equivalent.

   2. Go to bed and get up at the same time on vacation since you are there together. Pack eye masks and ear plugs and get on with it.

   3. Ear plugs for you. Worth trying the nasal strips for him before you leave to see if it makes a difference. Also consider downloading a white noise app that will help muffle the sound some.

      (And… a sleep specialist for him, snoring can be helped!)

      1. There are eight hour white noise playlists on Spotify. Download the “song” before your trip in case the hotel doesn’t have wifi.

   4. Can you get a room that has a separate living room? That way you have a couch option. The snorer should look into whether they are a candidate for a CPAP machine. Life changing.

   5. In addition to ear plugs and a white noise app, I lay out my clothes and hotel key the night before so I can quietly leave to grab breakfast while my partner sleeps in. We also compromise on our itinerary, so one night we’ll plan to stay out late and call the next morning a wash, and on a different day we’ll agree to get up early to catch something that would be too crowded later in the day.

   6. Rent a two bedroom apartment. I know Airbnb gets a lot of flack but this is one of the many reasons it’s popular. If you need two bedrooms (or at least a bedroom with a closing door and a couch on the other side of the closed door) then hotel options are limited and astronomically priced.

      1. I mean, sure, if you can afford it.

      2. Agreed, I often rent through One Fine Stay in Europe and there’s a minimal price difference between a one and two bedroom, and it’s usually cheaper than a hotel.

   7. My husband snored before being diagnosed with sleep apnea and getting a CPAP, life changing for both of us. You probably won’t get there before summer, so my tips were ear plugs (they’re not completely soundproof, but they help), going to sleep before he did and taking melatonin so I stayed asleep (also very helpful for time changes), and yes, booking apartments with 2 bedrooms so I had a place to go if I woke up (also, just generally an nice feature for a Europe vacation as I tend to get bad jet lag and can also be a nightmare to sleep with if I’m tossing and turning.

      1. All good advice.

         OP, use this trip as a reminder to him to have his snoring investigated. ENT visit / sleep study if he has symptoms. Too important for his long term health to ignore.

         1. Thanks, and doubling down on the sleep apnea advice if OPs husband needs a motivator, mine was taking ADHD meds and was able to stop once he started getting actual sleep at night with a CPAP. The long term health risks are scary, but he said he’s refreshed and rested in a way he never has been before. He also bought a travel machine that’s a little bit of a hassle but he’s so into it now he doesn’t want to sleep without it.

      2. Thank you all so much! We will practice.

   8. Nose strips
      those bed risers so you can put bed at a slight incline (maybe)?
      headphones you can wear to bed for white noise or to drift off listening to an audiobook. there are some flat/headbandy type ones on amazon.

   9. My husband and I have separate bedrooms at home, but share hotel rooms when we travel. It’s not a big deal on a short term basis.

   10. For snoring, sew a tennis ball into a pouch on the back of an old tee shirt he can sleep in. When he rolls onto his back to snore he will roll right back over to his side and be quieter.

   11. If you have the option, spring for two beds in one room (more likely in American chain hotels than European ones), and even putting the pillowson one bed in the reverse position!

   12. European hotel rooms are small in my experience and rarely have the two bed situation. I’d look for an American chain hotel as your best bet for a two bed room, or even a suite if possible. If not, and you really can’t sleep, then you spring for two rooms.

8. Was I off base here?

   I’m a fairly senior Director-level manager. I was recently tasked with taking on a portion of an in-process project with my team which wasn’t perfectly laid out on a silver platter. This isn’t shocking because… well, they never are, that’s part of why they pay me is to set everything in order.

   I briefly overlapped with a woman, let’s call her Betty, who asked to ‘pick my brain’. Betty has been a mystery to me because, although she is Assistant Director level, she has no staff and nobody knows what she does.

   Betty started talking and basically laid out that she doesn’t like her boss’ management style, isn’t willing to take anything on that she’s not an expert at but also doesn’t want to be in a meeting where she doesn’t understand the whole topic (not lead, just attend.), cries at her desk daily but isn’t willing to leave? She kept bringing up small attempts that she had made 2+ years ago, but when I started to talk through even taking more ownership of the project we had connected on, she shut it down instantly.

   I think she wanted me to commiserate because yeah, her boss can be weird about information flow – you need to usually ask the right question and need to kind of insert yourself – but that’s not shockingly uncommon. Instead, this is someone who I basically told: you can either work to make it better and here’s how, you can accept that you have an easy job you’re overpaid for and roll with it, or you can leave.

   You can’t magically expect to be given full ownership of an exact assignment with full step by step directions that you still feel is ‘worthy’ of your title and not have to do any change or development or learning. Right?!?

   1. I’m curious about why you’re second-guessing yourself over this conversation and why you’re asking if you’re off-base. What is it that you did that you felt might be off-base?

      1. I think I just want a gut check that at a certain level, you are paid to solve problems. You’re paid to seek out answers. It’s not reasonable that somebody is going to give you an A-Z process and all you do is execute the defined process – that’s what my analysts do, not my leaders.

         Betty just seemed… so off base. Like, it made me question if I could have been wrong. More likely, this is a Betty thing.

         1. Yes. I have worked for people like Betty and it’s miserable. People who are paid to solve problems but refuse to solve problems create massive headaches for the company.

            1. +1

   2. I wouldn’t continue to judge so harshly since you haven’t been in the same shoes. Instead of focusing on whether people know what she does or not, keep discussion to the project at hand. The less you act like a receptor to office gossip, the more you’ll shut that down. Each project is unique in its own way. Even the fact you have a higher title may make it easier for you to make decisions in the absence of guidance. Stop comparing yourself. It’s not healthy and a pretty bad look when you’re the senior.

      1. I will mention that I have been the same title and a lower title in this org and can speak to the fact that I was expected to solve problems, learn, and deal with projects that aren’t perfectly laid out.

         And AGREE that I want to avoid gossip…. Actually why I opted to post here versus bounce it off a coworker.

   3. You shouldn’t have told her she’s overpaid or brought salary into it at all. A better way to phrase it is “At a certain level you’re expected to perform well when faced with ambiguity.” The rest of it was fine. If she’s not happy but unwilling to take action then she’s responsible for her own misery.

      1. Thank you – i was much more diplomatic, I promise.

   4. No, it doesn’t sound like you’re off base. At ‘assistant director’ level, I should think developing or improving processes for carrying out the project is part of what they pay you for. But Betty sounds like she has other issues…

   5. Yes, you are better than Betty.

      1. +1

      2. Snort.

   6. I would stay away from her as much as possible. She isn’t looking for advice unfortunately.

      I have someone on my team right now who I busted my ass to get a promotion approved for but who keeps complaining to me how hard her job is. I want to shake her and say yes! Our work is hard! You make a lot of money! Figure it out!

      1. Yeah. This was only my second or so time talking to Betty and it was… a weird experience? Just seemed really out of touch. I don’t know that I’m going to follow up.

   7. One thing I’ve seen in this situation is that “Betty” works for someone who unfairly criticizes everything she does and demeans her. That can suck the motivation out of “Betty” and make her hesitant to do what she knows how to do. Why doesn’t “Betty” leave in this situation? Maybe she is executing on a planned exit strategy, maybe other parts of this job work for her, etc.

9. Friendships are hard. I asked a friend to borrow a tool for an activity/craft I’ve been practicing for 5+ years. She was as weirdly dodgy about it and so I assured her I would replace the tool if I damaged it, then she went in to say ‘I don’t think you’ll damage it, I think you’ll expect me to help with the project’ uh what? no, I’m much more skilled at this activity than my friend, not only do I not need her help I wouldn’t even want it if she offered. I literally just needed her tool for an hour, but she had to make it weird. Since there’s always someone here who assumes the worst, I’ve never asked her for help with any projects of any kind and I actually routinely help HER with things.

   1. Ugh, I absolutely hate that – when a friend makes something weird for no reason. Sympathy!

      My friend woe of the moment: I can’t take much more complaining about her useless husband. Yes, he has always been this way. Yes, he has shown no interest in changing. Yes, you are going to have to live with this for the rest of your life if you don’t divorce. Can we stop talking about it now?

      1. I like the friendship threads we’ve had lately. It seems to be less controversial than dating!

         My friend with a terrible husband (worse than “useless) almost never brings it up, and I will say it’s even sadder than if she complained about him all the time. It’s easier on our friendship, because I don’t have anything more to say and she knows it. But it shows that she’s resigned to a bad partner, at least now and for the foreseeable future. This may be your next stop, 9:54.

      2. When I was in a bad relationship, a friend said to me “You should really think about whether you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life.” The guy is long gone and she will be one of my best friends for life.

   2. Let it go. You put your friend in an awkward position by asking. I absolutely hate lending stuff to people because it always ends up awkwardly–you have to keep asking them to return it, it’s returned with parts missing, etc. Remember your Shakespeare: “Neither a borrower nor a lender be/For loan oft loses both itself and friend/And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.”

      Before anyone accuses me of being an antisocial hermit, I am almost always glad to give people’s kids rides, help with big projects, drop off casseroles, pet-sit, etc. I have just never seen borrowing and lending of physical things end well so I prefer to avoid it.

      1. +1, some people are way more protective of their possessions than others, but realizing that comes off as Scrooge-like they try to get over it, with mixed success.

      2. If someone doesn’t want to lend something out, that’s fine. They might have been burned before and don’t feel like getting burned again.

      3. +2, I know it’s not popular but I dislike lending stuff to friends. That said, I also would never ask friends to loan their stuff to me, so if she’s doing that to you I give her a bit of side eye.

      4. +4 – also OP, you said something awkward and weird and people often respond to weird with weird. I also hate lending stuff related to my hobby and don’t care if you’ll replace it or whatever. I have what I like and what works for me. Get your own.

   3. I think context on what the tool is would help. Reading this, first thing that popped into my mind as an example (ex. my sewing machine). I have a pretty expensive one. Each machine has a learning curve. Sewing machines are “fixable” but I do protect it like it’s a child.
      Versus, say someone asked to borrow a wall paper remover steamer. I for sure would let someone borrow it. But make very clear I wasn’t interested in helping.

      1. Or like how I get weird about people using my good shears for cutting fabric.

      2. It’s a foot I was looking to borrow, ONPY the foot, we have the same machine. I actually taught her how to use that specific foot, I just don’t have one myself because it’s more used for her type of sewing (quilting & housewares) vs what I typically sew (garments).

         1. Oh, just spend the $40 on your own walking foot.

            1. +1000000! It’s also totally worth having, even if you don’t quilt.

            2. And frankly I would be really annoyed if somebody wanted to borrow my walking foot because it’s exactly the type of thing you loan out and never get back.

            3. She routinely borrows my feet, currently even has my ruffler. Honestly though given these responses I’m going to get my ruffler back and stop letting her borrow my stuff. I clearly misinterpreted our relationship.

      3. Yes, for me it depends on the item and if they’re truly in a tough spot. Like if it’s just for a hobby I’d be kind of annoyed TBH and concerned it was going to be an ongoing thing. Like just order it on Amazon rather than go back and forth with someone all the time.
         A guy who used to live in my building always asked to borrow my vacuum cleaner…it was an annoying chore to arrange logistically every time and also the thought of cleaning out his hair and stuff out of my vacuum cleaner icked me out. It would have been fine one time if his broke or something but he was just too lazy to buy his own.
         I said yes a few times and then started ignoring his texts. It was a luxury high-rise and he had multiple luxury vehicles in the garage…

   4. Yeah but take the no. When she’s weirdly dodgy just move on.

      1. Yeah this. You need to give your friend a gracious out here. You know how we sometimes say that “no” is a complete sentence? I don’t think your friend owed you an explanation; I think she felt pressured to provide one when the simple truth was she didn’t want you to borrow it. Tbh, I think you are in the wrong to keep pushing to borrow her belongings when she’s already declined.

         1. Maybe my post wasn’t clear, my friend never said ‘no’, and I did not push. She said yes, and then the as weird when I tried to arrange a pick up time.

         2. Yeah, “she had to make it weird” is really rubbing me the wrong way here. OP made it weird and has no self awareness about that!

   5. Agree this is weird but apparently others are much more protective of their stuff. I still remember a thread here where the poster was sick during a hurricane warning, wanted to use one of the 3 extra toothpaste tubes that her roommate had, and people were supporting the roommate who said no!

      1. I guess I should stop letting her borrow my stuff, I didn’t re realize it was a one-way thing *shrug*

         1. It doesn’t sound like you like her very much anyway, so sure, blow up your friendship over this.

            1. I actually really liked her and was happy to share my things with her and teach her things. I’m just sort of put off to get such a response the first time I asked for a little reciprocity.

            2. OP, it helps to lead with pertinent information, like “I have loaned several sewing items to my friend, and now she’s not lending one to me.”

      2. Oh, yes. I had to step away from this site for a while after that. I couldn’t stomach how judgy and unkind those posters were, suggesting this was an appropriate way for the toothpaste-hoarding roommate to punish the sick roommate for her obvious personality flaw of always failing to plan ahead.

   6. Eh maybe she just doesn’t like people borrowing her stuff. I think it’s more weird you keep harping on how much better and more skilled you are than her, how you taught her to use it, etc.

      1. +1 so judgy!

         1. +2 wonder if there’s something to her comment that’s worth some reflection. Are you a “mansplainer” around this hobby or have you overstepped in any way during your teaching that she’d just rather not this time around?

      2. Sigh. Sorry OP, you got the crowd that loves a pile-on. You can feel the glee leaping off the page.

         1. Yeah totally my bad for not also including in my initial vent that she borrows my stuff all the time, and she did say ‘yes’ without any coercion or pushing. Once the pile on starts there’s no stopping it.

            1. Okay but that’s all very pertinent information that you left out which changes the scenario!

            2. sorry, the context you include at the beginning (or not) shapes the conversation! While knowing she’s a frequent borrower makes her reluctance to lend a bit weird, your focus here on how you’re better than she is at sewing might be detectable IRL and be causing some friction.

   7. I was low key wondering if this was about me until you said what the item is. A friend recently asked me to borrow my cricut and I was a bit dodgy about it. I offered for her to come to my house and use it but she wants to take it home. I’ve been burned so many times by lending stuff to friends. My game of thrones books are never coming home. Countless hoodies/accessories/containers/insulated cups. I once let a friend wear my good pearls for her wedding and I basically had to blow up the friendship to get them back.

   8. Wow what a weird pile on. OP did nothing wrong and did not make it weird.

      1. It’s so ridiculous. Some posters seem to believe that is completely absurd to ever get annoyed by anything in an interpersonal relationship and that it must always be something wrong about you.

      2. Yeah, actually, you do make it weird when you keep insisting after somebody expresses repeated reluctance to do something. Learn to read the room. OP is probably the same person who wanted to tell their new neighbors everything wrong with their house.

10. A dear family member was recently diagnosed with a grim cancer diagnosis. Given the long road ahead, we’re trying to celebrate the “little wins,” and currently that’s his tumor shrinking in size in response to chemo. We’re throwing a shrinkage party over zoom for a few close family members (all adults), and I’d like to send a care package with fun things. He’s a gay male in his 60’s and has lived in New Orleans for the last decade. Costumes, cocktails, and all the puns are welcome. So far all I’ve ordered are cocktail napkins with “cheers to shrinkage!” on them. TIA for your ideas!

    1. I’m really happy for you that his treatment is effective, and celebrating little wins is absolutely the way to go. I come at this with a lot of baggage from recently walking this path with a family member who had a lot of great news followed by a lot of bad news for several years; a friend described the experience as an emotional rollercoaster. Be there for him for whatever comes next.
       Also not what you asked, but the Origins Feel Good Hug was one of the most helpful items we bought for my family member. He struggled with being cold a lot and the Hug helped him get warm almost immediately and helped him sleep.
       Sending good thoughts to your family!

    2. Know your audience, obviously, but I would lean into the “George Costanza/Seinfeld/Shrinkage/I was in the pool” of it all. Sending lots of love to your family.

    3. Shrinky Dinks?

    4. Could you find little shrinkie-dinks (is that what they’re called? – the things you bake or whatever?)

    5. Having been the patient, I’d suggest celebrating him. Not his diagnosis or recent shrinkage – him. The person. He will likely get good news and bad news in the future… It would be wonderful if the message was “we love you and support you no matter what”. Good news is easy to celebrate. What really matters is who’s there for you during the tough times

       1. This. I worry that celebrating shrinkage, while well intentioned, is not something in his control and just creates more of a roller coaster for when the inevitable tough times happen.
          My spouse has a disease that has high and lows, and I really want people with me for the bad times, not the good ones

    6. If they are still available, there is a man from NO who makes and ships “Freelines” (a kind of praline).

11. I have a full day today in Denver. I’ve never been before and am looking for recommendations.

    I love hiking but unfortunately can’t so that on this trip.

    I want to walk around and get a feel for the city, have lunch and dinner and try some local beer. I’m here solo.

    1. Stuff to see in and near downtown: Union Station (restored train station that has great restaurants, Altreia is my favorite for small bites), D& F tower (pretend you’re in Venice!), Contemporary Art Museum (small so you can do it fast, well curated, rooftop deck and snack bar are great). Stop by the Oxford hotel to gawk at their gorgeous restored lobby (or have a martini in The Cruise room). Denver art museum is a personal favorite of mine, and it’s right by our main library , state and city Capitol buildings, and civic center park. If you’re an architecture geek, library and art museum are well worth it. Art museum’s Ponti wing was just redone, rooftop deck has great views and its main collections are beautifully curated. Skip 16th street mall, it’s being rebuilt and filled with chain stores. The big blue bear outside our convention center is just plain fun.
       For food, area around Union Station is packed with great restaurants. My Brother’s Bar (15th and Platte) is a great burger joint and has a chill patio. From there you will be steps from Lohi/RiNO, which is also packed with restaurants. Linger (in a restored mortuary, with ANOTHER great rooftop deck), and Little Man Ice Cream are terrific. If you have a car , denver has fantastic Vietnamese food (federal boulevard south of Alameda), and Ethiopian (Colfax east of Colorado). We have a lot of good authentic Mexican: el tacos de Mexico on Santa Fe is closest to downtown. For beer, Prost downtown does good German beer; Wynkoop is right downtown and started by our now Senator. Have fun!

12. I’m realizing a combo of ADHD and general malaise has left my house totally cluttered. Stimulants don’t agree with me, already on Wellbutrin. Is there a good resource for how to go forward? ADHD coach? ADHD-friendly clutter system? It’s all a little overwhelming right now.

    1. How to keep house while drowning (book) is also strugglecare on TikTok. I think the author is KC Davies,

       1. hard agree- its a really kind way to work through mess.

       2. +1 for KC, she talks about taking away the morality of a tidy home and making your house work for you

    2. FlyLady

    3. “The Disorganized Mind” by Nancy Ratey is a good book to start building systems to manage life and it helped me. “Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD” by Susan Pinsky also helped me with home clutter/disorganization. ADHD coaches do a lot of good if you can find one – Look for members of ACO – professional organization for ADHD Coaches on linkedin. Searching on LinkedIn might be the best way – see if you can find someone who is a connection to you already. Evan Kirstein (Atlanta), David Rickabaugh (Seattle), Diana Wallace (Seattle) and Jaye Lin (Seattle) are three names that popped up through my connections.

       1. Oh, and if it’s organizing “Stuff” if you have money for it, hiring an in-home organizer to work with you a few times might be worth the money.

          1. Agree. We recently moved, and the organizer we hired also happened to specialize in ADHD organization, so she sprinkled tips throughout our sessions that have stayed with me and made a big difference. The main one: eliminate as many steps as you can or you won’t do something. That’s why clear storage is better than opaque storage–it removes the step of needing to open something to see what’s inside.

13. question for the sewists: my son is between boy sizes and men’s sizes right now; his daily attire of t-shirts and sweatpants would look a lot better if we tailored them. should I learn how to do this? (any resources?) or should I just try to buy everything at a place with free alterations, like Nordstrom? or find a local tailor?

    1. If he cares about it, maybe he would be interested to learn to do it himself?

    2. Sweats and t-shirts are just sloppy. You don’t tailor them, especially not for growing kids. Look for brands aimed at teens and young men that run slimmer.

    3. Sewing stretchy fabrics like knits typically requires a serger and experience. I wouldn’t reccomend it for a beginner

       1. Agreed.

    4. Does he think he needs tailored sweatpants or is he fine with things the way they are? How old is he? Is he going to outgrow this phase very quickly?

    5. I’m sorry what? You want to tailor a young teenage boys sweatpants? This is a new level of unhinged.

       1. That is unnecessarily mean.

    6. I’m all for tailoring things for a better fit, but tailored sweats just sounds ridiculous.

    7. Because I’m middle-aged and fussy about fit, I will narrow the side-seams of dressier t-shirts in order to get a better fit, but that’s the only alteration I’ll do on them. My sewing machine isn’t the kind that will make good-looking hems, neckline seams, waist seams, etc. So unless you’re really keen to learn, I wouldn’t recommend doing it yourself.

    8. Mom of teenage boy here. Let this go. If he’s between the ages of 11 and 16 he will not be in this stage very long, most likely and his stuff will start fitting him better shortly as he grows into it. And then he will grow out of everything and then on top of having spent a bunch of money on tailoring, you’ll have to buy him new clothes. My son grew 8 inches between ages 12 and 14. We started buying pants at Goodwill because he’d have a pair for about two months before he grew out of them length-wise. Very little ever fit him well because his body was changing so fast (plus, he started weightlifting at age 15 and immediately most of his shirts were worthless because his build started changing so fast). This is not an age where looking put-together is very feasible.

       Also: if he’s anything like my son he does not care about the fit of his clothing, and very little of what boys wear these days needs to be well-fitting/close-fitting; baggy is where it’s at. You may think he looks sloppy, but if he is happy with how he looks, then you need to back off and let it go. He would have to participate in getting things tailored, and I know my son would have rather chewed off his own arm than gone with me to a tailor to have his clothes fitted “properly.” And that was definitely not a hill I would have chosen to die on.

       (Disregard all this if he is bothered by it and asking for help; that’s different.)

       1. +1000. My son is 13 and has grown 5 inches in the last year!

    9. Does he want his clothes tailored? Fwiw, I have stylish male friends who have t shirts tailored. (They are extra; extra amazing.) I’d love this as grown woman. The world would be so much lovelier to look at if everyone could have all their clothes tailored. That said, I think a lot of teens and tweens would be mortified by their mother doing this. I can barely tie my shoes so the idea of sewing as a hobby is beyond me but only you can gage if this will be fun for you. You might accidentally create a spoiled rotten fashion icon who has you tailoring everything into his adulthood.

14. Any current 2023 bikini or tankini offerings with sewn-in cups? The cookies are driving me mad with how soon they seem to warp or get bunched up.

    1. I asked about this the other day as well and it’s freaking impossible to find anything. An underwire one from Athleta looked promising but even that has the ridiculous cookies. They immediately folded in half the instant I tried it on and then kept shifting around as I checked it out in the mirror. How are women supposed to dive, paddle, and jump off docks with these? I would prefer not to go without any lining because I personally don’t like my nipples on display.

       I think I’m going to start docking two stars from reviews of bathing suits when they have this problem.

       1. I said this the other day, and bra sized swimwear with underwires does not usually have cookies in my experience. Here is one of many examples. https://www.herroom.com/panache-sw1450-anya-riva-spot-balconnet-one-piece-swimsuit.shtml

          Herroom also has a search feature for no padding in their swimwear section.

    2. You can have the cups sewn in, FWIW.

       Lands End’s cups are permanent but their suits are like 25% too frumpy to purchase particularly in the cut of the bottoms. Tommy Bahama and Lilly usually have permanent cups in the underwire styles, but can be pricey. I wish Lands End would copy their styles at the Lands End price point!!

       1. Could you provide a link to a Lands End bathing suit that has sewn in? I don’t even care about frump anymore…

          1. My attempt was a few years ago, but they have really good search functionality and also their reps can verify for you – they are super knowledgeable about the products. If you go to the “bra style” drop down on the swim page, you can choose soft cup vs underwire vs removable, etc.

             https://www.landsend.com/shop/womens-soft-cup-swimsuits/S-xfh-xez-y5c-y9g-xec

       2. I do a few stitches in the padding of my sports bras to keep them in. Much easier than searching for ones that are not Removable.

       3. yeah, the bottoms aren’t great. But I just buy the tops from Land’s End and then buy swim shorts separately. I like the square neck tankini. This season I have the blue with white spots and I feel like I look great in it.

    3. Ultra expensive, but Lilly Pulitzer has built in padding for some of their one pieces and tankinis.

    4. It’s a rash guard top, but I am a huge fan of the Daci Women two piece rash guard long sleeve swimsuit on Am*zon. The rash guard has sewn-in cups that stay put.

    5. Summersalt cups are sewn in.

       1. Does that include tankinis? Those styles look promising. Any recommendations for specific suits?

    6. L*Space has a lot of supportive underwire tops with no padding but thicker fabric, if that works. I wore the Camellia last weekend and really liked it.

15. Shopping help/dress recommendations! Headed to the Midwest for a wedding with multiple events. Based on location/communication I think it will be fairly casual. looking for dress recommendations for my body, which I’m not feeling super comfortable in these days-5’3″, size 12 to 14, long torso, carrying weight in my stomach. looking to feel comfy and cute to extent possible. thanks in advance for any ideas!

    1. Look at Tuckernuck. They cut for petite women and have a lot of versatile summer dresses.

       1. I was about to say the exact same thing. It’s my go-to for things like this.

    2. I’m about your size (smidge bigger) and would suggest either going for a shift dress with heels like the CeCe one or the tiered ones you’ll see at Tuckernuck – or maybe going with a maxi dress or something like a nap dress.

    3. You might try the somerset dresses at Anthropologie – nothing is “universally flattering” but these come close!

    4. I think this is a great opportunity for the Somerset dress: https://www.anthropologie.com/brands/the-somerset-collection-by-anthropologie

16. Folks who’ve worked as staff attorneys at a state or federal appellate court: did you get to specialize in a subject area? I’m looking to leave private practice and eyeing some of these jobs. I’ve only ever done civil law and have no desire to learn criminal. Curious if I’d be able to stick to (largely) civil cases, assuming enough volume.

    1. I think this varies by courthouse. Speaking for NY, in state appellate court you would most likely do a little bit of everything but people often end up specializing in one area more than others. In federal, the only staff attorney position that I have heard of (doesnt mean something else doesn’t exist!) is working on pro se habeaus motions in the 2nd Circuit.

    2. Very much think it varies by state. In my state, the staff attorneys at the mid-level court of appeals do both. I took that job for a few years to take a break and recover from civil litigation, and I was surprised by how much I liked the criminal work, which I did not expect at all. The criminal side was surprisingly easy to learn also. Some of the other staff attorneys would figure out how to divide the docket with their coworker so as to minimize or avoid either criminal or civil cases – whether that was successful depending on your coworker and quantity of each type of case that got submitted in any given year.

    3. As others have said, this varies by court and job. I work in a state supreme court and the justices personal staffs do all subjects, while there are two separate specialized groups for particular types of criminal and civil matters.

17. In addition to the other tips, can you go to sleep first to get ahead of his snoring? That worked okay for us until I solved the problem with a CPAP.

    1. Thank you – will try that!

18. My nanny is going on vacation in August so now I want to go on a family vacation in August. Are there any good mountain resorts with kids clubs or is that just a beach resort thing?

    1. Mohonk Mountain House has a drop off kids club, but the hours are limited compared to beach resorts.

    2. The Sagamore in Bolton Landing (Lake George) has a kids club.

    3. On the high end of the spectrum, many Ritz Carlton resorts have a Ritz Kids program. I know that there used to be a kids club at the Ritz in Bachelor Gulch, Colorado, but I am not 100% sure it is running right now.

       There is also a camp in Snowmass that is somewhat similar to kids clubs, but it isn’t run through a specific hotel. I am pretty sure you can book by single day though. Look up “Camp Aspen Snowmass” on your favorite search engine.

    4. Lots of mountain resorts on this list:

       https://www.travelandleisure.com/worlds-best/best-family-resorts-us

    5. Fairmont Lake Louise, which is also just a phenomenal place to visit. (Was there precovid and before my kids were old enough for drop off kid’s clubs. They definitely had one (we could play with our kids in the sweet play room they had) so of course check out details to make sure they meet what you need).

19. I’m in the market for a new carry-on luggage—4 wheels and hard-sided. Seeking information on if Away and other nicer-brands are worth the extra cost over something around $100.

    Currently using a generic brand spinner from Marshalls/Ross that’s fine for car trips. But spinning not great for long walks through airports and smoother sidewalks. Its wheels roll sluggishly and the telescoping handle can jiggle/twist when fully extended—so it’s very difficult push along on its 4 wheels. I end up pulling it on two wheels often.

    Questions:
    Will these issues with the jiggly handle and sluggish wheels go away on a $300 spinner?
    If you have an Away one, how’s its performance on rougher/uneven surfaces— both 4 wheels and 2?
    Also do they have sales or other offers?

    1. Away is worth the price. Have several of their suitcases (carry on and checked) and have held up very well. Dragged all over. Don’t think they typically have sales.

       1. No sales at Away but sometimes you can pick up a clearanced color – I recently bought the bigger carry on in a soft pink that had a discount.

    2. I absolutely love my away bag and now have it in 3 sizes. The wheels are amazing, the compression feature lets me pack an insane amount of things. Highly recommend.

    3. I got a knockoff of the Away suitcase from Target for ~$150 (Open Story brand) and I am obsessed with it. The compression zipper compartments are a true game changer. It comes with a handy built in laundry bag! There are so many pockets! The wheels and handle feel sturdy. It does get scratched easily but I also bought a light color so that may be par for the course for light suitcases.

       I wasn’t sure how I would like a hard sided carry on suitcase so I didn’t want to invest $$ on Away…this one is a good option for my purposes since I don’t do carryon travel much.

    4. I bought my Away in 2018. The interior compartment zipper broke this spring. I went online, took a picture and wrote a couple of sentences about what happened, and submitted the form. The next morning I had an email from them with the shipping info on the brand-new replacement suitcase they were sending me, and a shipping label to mail my old one back. It came a few days later. They seem to take the lifetime warranty seriously. I’ve been really happy with the suitcase and now the customer service, so I’d recommend.

    5. My $100 target suitcase rolls perfectly. I’ve had it for a few years now and used it for many trips.

20. What are non-judge speakers wearing at judicial conferences these days? My other conferences have gone more casual in recent years but I haven’t been to a judicial conference in at least 5 years. I need to project authority, so a junior associate black skirt suit is out. Black sheath dress with sleeves? Something from The Fold?

    1. I would always say yes to something from The Fold, especially for this kind of situation.

21. After having an absolute meltdown last night trying to dress myself for a date and not having anything that fit right or felt good, I’ve accepted the fact that I need to get rid of 2/3 of my non-work clothing and do a revamp of my casual and dressy-casual clothing.

    Where are you other 30-something’s finding clothes? I have a real lack of “going out tops” and flirty dresses which are my normal date clothes. I am a size 10/12 with a tummy and carrying extra weight so absolutely not wearing any of the crop tops that seem to be everywhere.

    I’d prefer to not spend a fortune since I’m working on losing weight, but I also want to look current.

    1. I am the same age and size as you. My closet is filled with J Crew Factory, Gap and Gap Factory. Mostly dresses and tops

       1. I do like those places for casual clothes, but they are not the “sexiest” places to shop for date clothes…

    2. Anthropologie.

       A suggestion, feel free to ignore: buy nice stuff for the weight you are now. Focus on quality over quantity. By the time you get sick of it, you may be a different size and need new clothes anyway. When you wear something fantastic, it makes the extra weight easier mentally.

       1. This is great advice

    3. Similar boat! Do you have great going out jeans and pants and shoes? I find when I figure that out buying a bunch of cute tops is easier. Particularly because all the crop tops are not belly bearing when over high waist wide leg pants. (I find it creates a situation where my body is two thirds legs- pretty flattering.) Gap, j crew and j crew factory, anthro are my go tos. Don’t forget a really cute clutch!

    4. Ann Taylor. Garnet Hill.

    5. Most of my going out clothes are from Reformation, Revolve, Net-a-Porter, and Far Fetch. I wear a lot of Reformation jersey dresses in the summer with sneakers or sandals. I have wish lists on these sites and order things when they go on sale and combine that with Rakuten cash back. I currently have my eye on a few Ganni dresses and am waiting for them to drop in price a bit more.

    6. Anthropologie for fun things like nice top, all of my jeans, dresses, jackets/ blazers. I recently bought their membership program and appreciate the free returns so I’ve been trying things I normally wouldn’t.

       Jcrew for my standard uniform – black pixie pants, chambray, linen, or cotton button up or everlane turtleneck and usually topped with a Patagonia vest. I basically make this formula more or less dressy depending on the day – e.g. ditch the Pat vest and pair with flats and an anthro Moro jacket for dinner or athleta pants and a Columbia pfg button up if going hiking

    7. Evereve.

    8. Sezane

22. I recently did genetic testing in connection with TTC and the results show that I have a genetic mutation that raises my risk of breast cancer. It’s the ATM mutation, which is related to the BRCA mutation but looks like risks are not as extreme. They don’t recommend prophylactic mastectomies, for example. I was referred to a genetic counselor through the local cancer center and have an appointment next week. Was curious if anyone else on this board has knows they also carry this mutation and what kind of cancer screenings they do as a result.

    1. I can’t answer your question specifically, but I have a related experience to share.

       I have a family history of pancreatic cancer, colon cancer and breast cancer. I don’t have the ATM mutation, but because of my family history, I am having more genetic testing. Johns Hopkins recommended using the company Invitae. They have a great program and I paid out of pocket $250 for a very large panel of tests, after meeting with a genetic counselor who helped determine which panels were right for me because of my history. I could have gone through insurance, but I have a very high deductible and it would have cost 5x as much (!). But they offer it for an incredibly cheap price for those who pay out of pocket.

       Try to gather as much of your family history as you can before your genetic counselor appointment, focusing on the cancers (how old people were when they were diagnosed and if/when they died), and people who died of “unknown” diagnosis. There is no such thing as dying of “old age” or “natural causes”. Also note people who had hysterectomies for unknown reasons.

       Try to get hooked in to the best/largest academic hospital in your area for your ongoing screening. Some academic centers even have specific doctors/groups that specialize in folks like us who have genetic increased tendencies for cancer and help optimize our screening. This is well beyond what a primary care doctor would traditionally know.

       For me, I am still awaiting my final genetic testing results. Then I will have a second visit with a genetic counselor, and will be directed to the appropriate providers to help with my screening plan. My primary care doctor is fantastic and is on board to help.

       Again – I don’t know your family history, but based on what is being done for me and what I know about the ATM gene, these are things that they might recommend (and you should ask the genetic counselor/your doctors about)…… and you should ask them at what age each should begin (most of us start doing most of these with increased age anyway!).

       For breast cancer – mammogram every year. I am starting to have a bilateral ultrasound as well every year. They may have you do breast MRI instead, and you should ask at what age should you start. Also do breast exams – with a doctor, and by yourself. I try to meet with my GYN for my yearly visit 6 months after my mammogram so that someone is checking the girls every 6 months. GYN will continue yearly pelvic exams. It is good to keep track of any new “belly” symptoms, and let your doctors know.

       For colon cancer – start your colonoscopies in your 40’s. If you have any polyps they remove, and based on your history, they will decide if you should repeat them every 3-10yrs.

       For your skin – yearly skin checks.

       For pancreatic cancer – if you have any history of pancreatic cancer in your family, get in touch with the Johns Hopkins pancreatic cancer tumor registry. They can keep you abreast of how to screen ongoing for this hard to detect cancer. At some point, I will have a baseline imaging study of my pancreas (ex. MRCP).

       Some amazing new commercially available tests are on the horizon. These are simple blood tests that you can take that can help find an early cancer. They are called Multi-cancer early detection tests. They are already available and cost less than $1000. A lot of money, but think of how expensive it is to get all of those other imaging tests for screening. And these blood tests will become cheaper with time. Maybe, in the future, we will get this test once a year.

       So while having found you have a genetic increased cancer risk is scary, in many ways, you are incredibly lucky to have found out. Science is moving quickly, and detection of cancers is getting better and better. The earlier you find the cancer, the greater chance you can just remove it and be cured. Fantastic. And remember – this genetic mutation doesn’t mean you will absolutely get cancer. It just means your risk is increased.

       So I try to be a little more careful about lifestyle issues that can help decrease my cancer risk. I’m not strict. I enjoy life, LOVE food, and also live for the moment as much as I can. Since you never know what tomorrow will bring, make sure you don’t miss out on today.

       So I don’t smoke, rarely drink any alcohol. I eat reasonably healthy – rare meat/cured meats, more lean proteins and lots of fruit/veg. And I do everything I can to reduce my stress level, which we know causes more inflammation/endogenous steroid production and can help a lot of cancers grow. Started yoga, more relaxation/breathing/mindfulness exercises, strength exercise, gardening, more music in my life, more friends/family in my life, simplify life as much as possible, enjoy beautiful things. These help me – maybe different things help you. Live for today.

       1. Thank you so much for this lovely comment, I really appreciate it. I’ve been a bit catatonic since getting the news. My grandmother had breast cancer in her 40s, survived, then died in her early 70s when it came back. Small family, so she’s the only female relative on that side. Because of this history I had been tested for the BRCA mutation years ago, but always worried I might have some other mutation that wasn’t known or tested for. Now I have my answer, I guess – the ATM mutation is common with people of her ancestry, so I assume she likely had it and that’s where I got it. I appreciate your reminder to be grateful for medical advances rather than scared for the future.

          1. Genetic testing and other tests have improved so much compared to a decade or two ago. Information is power. The above suggestions are great, but don’t freak out! I know family members with mutations that make them more likely to get cancer over time. They don’t all get it or get it as an older person (70s) and catch it earlier with testing.

             It’s not a doom sentence at all.

    2. I have a different mutation (CHEK2) that is associated with a higher risk of breast and colon cancers. Your genetic counselor will tell you about recommended screenings and other things to be aware of for ATM. My recommendations included annual mammograms for all women in my family at age 30 and colonoscopies at age 40. Of course, all of this was discovered because I was diagnosed with breast cancer (I am fine now). I was able to be the canary for my 2 sisters, cousin, and my nieces, who all now know to have increased and early screenings.

    3. Cancer researcher here.
       It really depends on the specific mutation, not just the gene that’s mutated. We’re all mutants and many mutations are silent or have unknown association with prognosis- your genetic counselor will be able to say more. The gist is that if you have a family history of cancers, and the same mutation pattern as your kin with cancer history, your risk of cancer goes up, but you could very well have a silent mutation, or a mutation of unknown significance.

       If you do have a heightened risk of cancer, you can consider increased cancer screening, i.e. mammograms every year instead of every few years.

    4. I am positive for the BRCA2 mutation and have an awesome geneticist. His advise to me was that if I lived a reasonably healthy life and followed his suggestions, the chances I would die of breast cancer, ovarian colon or skin cancer are minimal.

       I do yearly mammograms with yearly breast MRIs in between. On his advice I had my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed (I was 56) but if I was younger I would have opted for just removal of the tubes prior to menopause. I have colonoscopies every 2 years and yearly skin checks. My sister (who is a gastroenterologist) has suggested I consider pancreatic ultrasounds but my own view is that they are not shown to be all that helpful so I have opted not to pursue that particular tool.

       I second Anon at 12:18’s advice to live your life and enjoy it! As my doctor says “knowledge is power.” I feel relieved to know about my mutation and to be able to take steps to mitigate my risk.

       1. Do you stagger your yearly MRIs 6 months after your Mammograms? Or do you do both the same month?

          Thanks so much for sharing this information.

          As someone who has pancreatic and colon cancer running in their family, I strongly recommend you to reconsider the pancreas screening, at least by the age of 50 if you have anyone in your family who has had pancreatic cancer. They recommend this at Johns Hopkins for their patients who are BRCA positive. The pancreatic cancer experts all do this now.

23. so frustrated – dieted so hard last week and screwed up everything with basically 2 meals (definitely not even in maintenance calories this week). blargh.

    1. Please be kind to yourself.

       “Screwing up” can be a symptom that there is something off with the approach you’re taking to dieting. If our bodies feel they are not getting what they need, they *will* take over; it’s a survival mechanism.

    2. You didn’t screw up everything. Just go back to what you were doing.

    3. This is a very punitive and harsh self-assessment. You just need to go back to what you were doing. Or maybe you do need to up your intake a bit to feel satiated. You will have more bigger meals along the way, just make them the exception. FWIW, I lost 40 lbs two years ago and I am convinced that part of what worked was confusing my body a bit by eating lightly most of the time but occasionally taking in a bigger meal so I didn’t go into starvation mode. It is just anecdata, but it did seem to work for me.

    4. 2 meals does not undo a week of work. If anything I bet you revived up your metabolism a little with a sudden spike! And this is also the nature of weight loss. There will be days where you indulge and that is life and enjoyable; going back to your healthier habits immediately after is how in the long term you will get where you want to be. Good luck and you rock!

24. Do you consider vacation to be a break from non-work responsibilities as well? I’m a bridesmaid in a couple of weddings this year and due to the procrastination of various people (not me!), planning sessions for 3 different weddings are going to happen during my two week vacation (hiking in remote locations many time zones away). I really don’t want to try to fit in multiple zoom calls for 3 different sets of people while I’m away; it’s not like I’m sitting on a beach and can just pop back to the room, I would need to arrange my entire day around the calls. Fwiw I’m not missing any wedding related events. I’m missing some planning meetings (I’m good with whatever the group decides) and if they want to order the dresses at the same time because of dye lots then someone else is going to have to order for me and I’ll cash app her (frankly idk how you get 12 people to order at exactly the same time but I guess that was the plan?). I’ve been getting pushback from everyone including the brides when I say I’m not available during vacation, so I’m starting to feel like I’m in the wrong. What do you all think, should I rearrange my vacation to accommodate everyone?

    1. This is absolutely ridiculous. You don’t need a planning meeting for a wedding. I say this as a former bride and as a former and current attendant (MOH and bridesmaid) in multiple weddings. Don’t be bullied into wasting your vacation over this utter nonsense. Tell them your dress size and send the cash and then enjoy your trip.

       1. I agree. I have honestly never heard of planning meetings like OP is describing with the bride and all the bridesmaids. I would definitely skip it.

          1. We always did planning calls for the bridal shower, and I imagine it’s common to do them for destination bach parties (I’ve never been involved in planning one), but a planning call about the wedding or dresses seems excessive.

             1. I’ve planned bachelorettes and showers and have only once had to have a single call with one other person, the co-MOH. This is a commotion and a half and totally unnecessary.

       2. I’m glad someone else had this reaction. There are planning meetings for weddings now?? That the bridesmaids are expected to participate in? Wow. I am so glad I am not in the phase of life where my friends are still getting married, or I would be skipping a lot of weddings.

    2. No, I don’t think you are in the wrong. I think someone should take meeting notes for every call and send them a round to everyone. You should set aside some time back at your hotel where I’m assuming you will have wifi and order whatever dress you will need, etc. If they don’t understand, then….I wouldn’t really care. I think the whole wedding industry is overblown anyway. We don’t need 5 events for a wedding.

    3. Man, in my next wedding, I just want to be the groom, where showing up sober and on time is considered a win.

       No, no. A thousand times no. You could be in surgery. In depositions. In flight. If people can’t pull off a wedding without you on a zoom, the wedding is too complicated. Find the Group Virgo and have her send you notes (“show up sober and on time for dinner at 7 and then we’ll get our hair did for the hen’s night”). Humanity survived for eons without this *ish.

       1. +1,000 to all of this. Ladies! This *ish gets ridiculous when we let it! Set boundaries! Work on building yourself up in ways that do not involve elaborate multi-day wedding celebrations (mid-reception hair cuts? Multiple dresses?) and baby showers!

          1. This times a million. This uncompensated work that women keep getting roped into will continue (and likely get worse) until we stop it. We have to start saying no to this nonsense! This is getting absolutely ridiculous!

    4. the fact that there are planning meetings in the first place is OTT. I would absolutely not join during vacation.

       1. +1 – bananas.

       2. +1,000 what the fork even is this?

    5. I would not do a wedding planning meeting on vacation. They can make it work without you.

    6. “I planned this vacation six months ago and don’t have cell signal. We can do the planning meeting in three weeks or you can all decide for me.”

       Side note: any planning meeting that requires everyone’s participation is a very poor idea. It should be able to accommodate one or two people not being there.

    7. Absolutely not, and I say this as someone who loves weddings and am all for a lot of the nonsense. This is OTT crazy.

    8. HELLLLLLLL no. Do not take those calls on vacation!

    9. No. I’ve never heard of such a meeting. The bride should just tell everyone what to order and where to be when. Sheesh.

       1. Right. Wedding planning is not a group project for the wedding party. The families of the two people getting married are responsible for putting the details together and getting the event planned. Or, the wedding couple needs to hire a planner/coordinator and pay that person. Expecting the wedding party to serve as unpaid event planners for a wedding is beyond. BEYOND

    10. i am so confused. what on earth is a planning session for a wedding that involves bridesmaids. when i got married my bridesmaids weren’t involved in any sort of planning calls and i haven’t been involved in any in which i’ve been a bridesmaid. is this a thing now? i mean my SIL is getting married and i’m a bridesmaid, but no calls, just some emails. your friends are being ridiculous

        1. This is not a thing!! I’m also baffled as to why the full bridal party needs multiple planning calls.

           Dresses: Bride selects a brand and color, then everyone orders their own dress because this dye lot concern is BS. If they’re soooo worried then you can provide your measurements, tell them to order on your behalf, and reimburse them later. OR bride selects a color palette and everyone orders a unique dress whenever they feel like it.

           Bachelorette Party: Maid of honor confirms everyone’s budget. Maid of honor and other volunteers plan the logistics. “I’m unavailable to discuss while I’m out of town, plan whatever you’d like and I’ll venmo my share” is an acceptable response.

           Planning for the actual wedding: Bride and groom plan the freakin’ wedding because it’s their event and you’re not their employee. Bride emails an itinerary to the bridesmaids a few weeks beforehand.

           If any insane person pushes back on this you keep repeating “I’m not available to discuss it, I have no preference, tell me who I should venmo.” If you get kicked out of the wedding party as a result consider it a gift.

    11. No.
        Never.
        Insanity.

    12. You are absolutely not in the wrong.

    13. Hahahhahahah i would drop out. Being a bridesmaid is an honor not a job, I am not attending any planning sessions, and I don’t want to be friends with people like this

    14. I’ve been a bridesmaid in a ton of weddings and you do not have to attend a bunch of zoom calls. Buy the dress and/or send the cash. They are asking for too much. I know the “dye lots” thing is something wedding books talk about, but the only time I have ever had anyone really mention it is a wedding planner from Baton Rouge who was absolutely panicked about them. The maid of honor in that wedding did not buy her dress on time and I think it killed that wedding planner that she couldn’t kick her out because she was the bride’s sister. Her dress still matched completely, but the wedding planner swore up and down she could see a difference.

    15. Those people seem insane.

    16. In this situation, I would pretend to disappear in the woods on vacation and never speak to any of these people again. Use the money and time saved to stay hidden during the organized search party. These self-obsessed people will forget about you shortly after.

        1. I would actually send a group text with a link to this thread just before I wandered out of cell signal range…

    17. i think the idea that she expects you to rearrange your vacation is absurd. the way you’ve phrased the question – do you consider vacation to be a break from non-work responsibilities – worries me though, like this shouldn’t even be in the same bucket as things like children or pets or paying bills or things like that. it’s a planning meeting for a wedding. are you a wedding planner? if not then she’s out of line.

        just tell everyone you’ll be out of wifi and can’t join, you trust everyone else to make the best decisions and it’ll be so much fun yay!

        but also agree with everyone saying they’d drop out. so, :shrug:

25. If you had a free afternoon/evening in Sunnyvale, CA, what would you do with yourself?

    1. What do you like to do? Do you have a car? As a former Bay Area resident, Sunnyvale is pretty bland strip mall suburbia, and if I had a free afternoon there, I’d likely just go get a pedicure or something generic like that. If you have a car and want to play tourist, Stanford campus isn’t too far and is pretty. There’s a Computer History Museum in Mountain View that’s kind of cool if you’re into that kind of thing. It’s the wrong time of year for hiking in the afternoons, but there are some nice trails in the nearby mountains.

       1. Actually seems like the weather isn’t too hot this week, so hiking could be a good option.

    2. My daughter would tell you to go to Seapot hot pot for lunch or dinner. Hot pot is not my favorite but I given in when I visit. Santana Row/Valley Fair isn’t far with many more food choices and tons of shopping/people watching.

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