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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This watercolor-print blouse is such a fun floral for the summer. The blue-and-green color combo feels fresh and cool – I would pair it with navy trousers for an easy business casual look or with white jeans for a casual Friday.
If floral isn’t your thing, there’s also a really pretty blue-and-white stripe print and solid black.
The top is $108 at Tuckernuck and comes in sizes XS–XXXL.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Barre?
What’s your favorite home barre class and why? Any that you like that uses real music with words?
Anon
I would love to do barre at home but any time I try an at home class where the instructor isn’t watching me, I slack off and start patting the dog and wander off to play on my phone and drink tea. How do you combat this?
Anonymous
It doesn’t sound like you actually want to be doing barre, or maybe working out at all, so maybe start there. And if for some reason you want to force yourself to do something you don’t actually want to do, you may need to go in person to make it happen.
Emma
Yeah intense at home workouts don’t work for me. I need the peer pressure :) I can do yoga or something relaxing at home.
Cb
And when I’m down on the floor, I spot the dust bunnies, etc.
Anon
It’s just willpower. Which can be hard.
I workout ~10 hours a week and occasionally still struggle with this.
Anonymous
Willpower is overrated. Finding a fun workout is much better.
Anon
Even with a fun workout sometimes you need willpower.
Like I said I workout about 10 hours a week. It’s my hobby and I generally love it. There are still days when getting started is tough.
Anon
I think you are right, I need to work on my willpower muscle as well as the others!
anon
I do it in the morning before I’m fully awake and aware of what’s happening, haha.
Anon
Good plan!
Anonymous
Find a different exercise program that is more fun for you. I find barre extremely boring. I love an actual ballet class or HIIT.
anon
I haven’t done a ton of barre, so probably not the best person to be answering, but i really like the peloton Barre classes. they are mostly shorter, so you have to stack a few if you want a full body workout.
Anonymous
As someone who really enjoys classical music, I had a good chuckle over ” uses real music with words”…thanks for that!
Anon
I’m a musician and classical music lover too, but I can’t stand “spa music”, which is also (terrible) music without words! I can’t imagine exercise videos using the Trout Quintet or whatever, but who knows!
Anonymous
Spa -and elevator for that matter- music can be annoying, it’s true.
I was laughing more at the fact that OP said ‘real music with words’ as if classical isn’t real music…
Anonymous
I assumed she was talking about some horrible electronic music generated just for the on-line class, not classical music.
NYCer
I like Physique 57. No music with words though.
Anon
Is this workwear or is it Coastal Grandma? Or has the casualness changed since Covid and so much WFH? Legit question, I feel out of touch.
Anon
It would get compliments where I work (R1 University in the SEUS) both preCOVID and now.
Anon
As styled, this is coastal grandma. But, I think the blouse could be styled in a workwear appropriate way.
Anon
Definitely not coastal grandmother.
Possibly coastal grandma… if that’s what you mean?
I see it at a senior center in Florida.
Not on Nantucket.
Anonymous
Definitely coastal grandma. I would expect to see this at brunch or possibly a country club, not in an office. It wouldn’t violate dress codes, so people could certainly get away with wearing it, but it isn’t communicating “professional” in any way. Maybe a teacher could wear it and it would be fine in that professional context.
Anonymous
I think this blouse, tucked into proper trousers, with proper shoes, is fine for most offices even in 2019. As styled it’s more than fine for my casual office.
anon
I don’t necessarily like the style or pattern, but it doesn’t seem that casual to me, especially if worn with tailored trousers and office-appropriate jewelry.
Anon
It’s just ugly. It would have been fine in the office before or after Covid.
anon
Yeah, to me the issue is the print (which I find very Grandma) not the style.
Anonymous
It looks like it came from Kohl’s, not Tuckernuck.
dmv
Ha – you’re right about that. The stripe and the black versions look pretty nice, tho.
Anon
Agreed, this is just Grandma, not Coastal Grandma.
bird in flight
It’s definitely something Grandma, but I like it. I laughed when I saw the pick today because I actually bought a shirt in almost this exact pattern to wear with white wide leg cropped jeans this weekend at a thrift store with the full knowledge that it definitely lends itself to grandma territory – definitely going to balance it with current style pants and shoes.
It’s totally fine for my casual workplace/industry, if a bit loud.
Anon
It’s costal grandma, which could be dressed up (with the right pants and jewelry) to pass in many offices. But even dressed up, this would still be considered very causal in my office. It’s right on the line, but no one would say anything
Anon
No costal grandmother would wear this print, or this color palate.
Coast grandmother is all neutrals, good fabrics.
Anon
This might be OCMD coastal grandma . . .
Anonymous
oh, dear
Anonymous
Or Palm Beach grandma.
Anon
Yeah it’s midwestern grandma, not coastal.
Anonymous
You can’t make a blanket statement about workwear v. casual, because dress codes vary so widely. In all of the offices I’ve worked in before or after Covid, this would have been perfectly acceptable and not considered casual in any way.
sleeveless tops
Very true.
Trish
That is just grandma. And being grandma age, I think it looks dated.
No Face
Well I’m glad I don’t buy new clothes too often because I love this and everyone would think I’m a granny!
waffles
this blouse + white pants definitely has a grandma vibe to me. Coastal or not-coastal :)
Anon
Y’all are talking as if “Grandma” is a pejorative! I am old enough to be one and don’t mind looking like it. (Although I would not wear this because those colors are not my friends.)
Chicago MD
It totally depends on your style / what you are going for. The same way a lot of young people embrace old 80s/90s styles that are less flattering for a traditional women’s shape (especially with aging…).
I remember one of the characters on the hipster HBO show High Maintenance was a cute young woman wearing these large plastic funky rimmed glasses. At first I thought…. how unflattering. And then she described her glasses as she was going for the s3xy grandma look. I laughed. Totally worked, and then I thought she looked cute. So funny….
Anon
I don’t think it’s coastal grandmother with that print, but this would be weekend wear for me.
Senior Attorney
I had a blouse exactly like this that I wore with the teal and lime versions of The Skirt back in the day. Good times, man.
Anon
AWTA?
BIL lives nearby and has two school-age kids. Pre-pandemic, we spent time in each other’s houses for meals and holidays. Because DH is so much older than BIL, the age difference between the niblings and us is more like grandparents and grandkids. One of us is also medically vulnerable.
Long story short, we are still meeting only outside and testing/asking people to test first. Happily, we live somewhere where the weather is almost always nice and there lots of parks.
BIL just told DH that he is not fulfilling his uncle duties because he is not/we are not seeing the niblings. He made a pretty big stink of it.
We have invited them for park outings (masks required before tests were available; negative tests and no masks now that tests exist). To be fair, we haven’t issued a lot of invitations — we haven’t issued a lot of invitations to *anyone* — but we have issued some. They have all been declined with no explanation and no counter-invitation. In one case, BIL demanded that DH attend a family event inside, despite DH’s explanation of the risks and suggestion that we see them outside before the event instead; DH’s suggestion was rejected and the demand was reiterated, so DH went inside for a very short period of time, heavily masked, and then stayed in another part of our house, away from me, for the incubation period just in case.
Are we the assholes?
AnonSatOfc
1) You can have whatever relationship with your inlaws/BIL & family you want, and can set appropriate boundaries based on your own feelings about the relationship. BIL calling out your DH for uncley-responsibilities is general AH behavior unrelated to COVID.
2) That being said, risk of contracting COVID isn’t really something most people are using to cancel/refuse plans or insist on outdoor alternatives in Summer 2023, in the absence of a major comorbidity (which you didn’t mention but hey, may be the case). I have school-aged kids, and all events were “back to normal” this past 22-23 school year, including extended family/grandparents attending concerts, plays, graduations, etc. – with some people (maybe 10%) masked if they weren’t comfortable attending unmasked. So hey, you can refuse to attend kids band concerts or see them indoors for holidays or whatever, but it will likely be understood as wanting to step back from the relationship with these folks for reasons unrelated to COVID.
anon
I agree with everything in your second paragraph. Life for people with kids is fully back to normal. It’s acceptable to mask up at big gatherings, but flat-out refusing to go is going to put you at odds with people.
Anon
You can refuse to go to whatever you don’t want to go to.
Anonymous
Yes.
Anon
How old are the kids? Once the kids are past playing on the playground age, I don’t know if they get very excited about going to the park. Can you plan something more interesting outside with them?
I feel like there are lots of ways that you can spend time together that are low risk but I don’t get the impression that you (and maybe also them?) are actually all that interested in doing so. And that’s fine, you don’t have to be, but you should just own up to that, don’t blame it on covid.
Anonymous
Right. Like if he cared, he could suggest a baseball game? A water park? A beach trip? It’s clearly you that are driving the caution here and that’s cool but you’re then trashing his relationships with his family. No one wants to sit in a park with you being anxious at them.
Anon
She said what she said, including that one of them has medical vulnerability. Why are you calling her a liar??????
Anonymous
Look what is the point of this post? You’re taking a very clear stance that being Covid cautious is more important to you than family. You get to make that call. You can’t demand everyone be ok with it. Does your doctor tell you this level of caution is necessary?
Anon
+1
Don’t complain if you’re the ones hardly ever issuing invitations and when you do, you’re not exactly being reasonable about it.
Anonymous
This exactly.
Like my grandmother used to say “you made your bed, don’t complain about having to lie in it…”
Anonymous
You may not realize this, but there are a whole lot of medically vulnerable people who didn’t “make their bed” on this. I had cancer during Covid and am fortunately on the mend now, but there were definitely times when being around others was not advised (yes, even if it was outside, I avoided large groups [or others who had recently been in large groups] without a mask). It’s a very privileged position to be healthy and I don’t take it for granted for one moment–or treat it as some sort of moral high ground against others who aren’t. I would encourage OP to follow the guidance from their medical provider on what is and isn’t safe based on their level of vulnerability (perhaps it is masking outside?). And anyone who isn’t respecting that is just an AH, even family. Even a “grandmother” who knows nothing about your circumstances.
Anonymous
I’m not sure why you put grandmother in quotes, lol…my grandmother really did say that.
Also: requiring people to test before they visit and only visiting on their terms is OP ‘making the bed’. OP is absolutely free to make those choices, and doesn’t get to complain about the consequences of those choices when she doesn’t like them.
Anon
Yeah, as an immunocompromised person, that attitude feels really crappy to me. The bed I’m in was not made by me.
anon
I do not know anyone who is taking this level of precaution in 2023, even the more medically vulnerable folks in my life. I can see both sides here, but I don’t really blame your BIL for being frustrated, though “demanding” things is not the way to go. I think whatever you’re offering is not fitting into their lives, schedules, or preferences. Bottom line, your choices are definitely going to make you an outlier at this point, and it’s up to you to decide whether you’re OK with that or not.
anon
Also, as an aside, I’m increasingly seeing the word “niblings” everywhere, and just why? Nieces and nephews are perfectly acceptable terms and don’t make it sound like someone is getting eaten.
anonshmanon
I think it’s a fun word…
Anonymous
Not the person you’re responding to but, I can’t stand it for whatever reason, like it actually grosses me out. Nibble is a gross word to me too.
Anon
It’s funny, I never realized before, but I have a negative reaction to it too!
Not sure why. It is annoying/too cutesy. That sounds so silly for me to type!
Anon
I love the work niblings too!
Carrots
Niblings is a non-gendered term and inclusive of all of your siblings’ children. Why not?
Anonymous
Omg just no to nibbling
Anon
I get the desire for a gender neutral term, but niblings is a truly awful word and I have no idea why why people came up with it. It sounds like you’re eating your siblings!
anon
It doesn’t even make sense as a word! So stupid.
Anon
It’s easier and faster and gender-inclusive, like sibling.
Anon
I think it’s just shorter, but it’s also a way to avoid a gender binary?
Anonymous
We used to say “nephi” which was fun and didn’t sound like you were eating children.
Anon
The word is fine, deal with it.
Anon
I like the term, and more importantly, it’s very clear what you’re talking about when you use it.
Anon
Your Covid posture is no longer reasonable and that’s what your BIL is likely reacting to. You can do what you want, but don’t be surprised if people are no longer willing to play along.
Anon
+1
Anon
OP gets to decide what is reasonable for OP.
Anon
You don’t get to decide what is reasonable.
It’s a life and death situation for some people.
I have Long Covid and very much regret the decision to go to an in-person work conference.
Anon
Of course the Covid forever peeps came out to play.
Anon
Why would they not? They live for this stuff (and little else, apparently).
Anonymous
Part of the disconnect may be that for people with school-age kids and/or essential workers, the level of COVID precaution you are describing has not been practical, or even possible, for a couple of years now. My husband is a teacher and has been in-person since fall 2020; I’ve been working in person full-time since fall 2021, and our son has been in-person in school at least part-time since fall 2020. It also seems a little odd that you aren’t willing to do things with them indoors while masking up yourselves when you could just wear a KN95 and show up. And frankly, everyone is sick of hanging out in the park, even school-age kids unless you are bringing new kids for them to play with. You are asking them to do things that work for you and assuming they work for them and their kids, but what you are describing isn’t necessarily fun or easy for a family with kids at this stage in the pandemic.
bird in flight
I’m concerned your question is going to turn into a big discussion about precautions, so I’m just going to sidestep that entirely and go to the “aunt/uncle duties” question.
So my husband and I are childfree and I feel like there’s an amped up societal pressure to be a very involved aunt and uncle in today’s world. I think this is probably similar (of course not to the same level) as parents feel pressure to be super hands on. I was feeling guilty for not having my niece and nephew for more one-on-one things (we do a 1-2 a year and we try and show up for their school events, plus family events) until I realized about a month ago that all of my aunts and uncles that I love and feel are perfectly fine aunts and uncles who never did one-on-one things with me. They were babysitters as needed (although mostly it was sleepovers with cousins that would swap between houses), and talked to me and were interested in me at family events, but I don’t think my aunts/uncles ever attended a band concert or dance recital for me – which wasn’t weird at all. We have great adult relationships.
I think it’s really weird and off-putting for BIL to have a certain expectations of uncle duties (outside of not being a bad influence, obviously). What even is this guilt trip?? when he’s not saying yes to park invitations.
So in summary, I do not think you’re the asshole. However parents might tell me I’m an asshole too.
Anonymous
I am a parent whose child has somewhat older aunts and uncles and I say NTA. My BILs and SILs don’t owe my child anything, and she doesn’t owe them anything either. One aunt/uncle set really clicks with her with her and she will sometimes fly on her own to visit them. Another set adores her but they are kind of weird and intense and she doesn’t feel very comfortable there, so she has only been to visit them by herself once. The third set doesn’t care to have much to do with the rest of the family so she doesn’t have much of a relationship with them. You can’t force it.
Anon
+1. I have zero expectations of my school-age kids’ aunts and uncles. (Granted we don’t live close to either set, so we only see them for pre-planned trips/vacation). Some visits are better than others in terms of one-on-one interaction between kids and adults. But that’s none of my business – it’s up to the kids and adults to form their own relationships.
That said, you are socially isolating yourselves. Charitably looking at this, they may not give a reason for declining because they don’t want to tell you that they think your precautions are unreasonable or your suggested activity is not fun for them, and they may not issue a counter invitation because they know you won’t be comfortable attending their suggested activity. Is that super polite? No. Honestly, without knowing what the indoor event was where your DH’s presence was “demanded” it’s hard to say – a dance recital? Bat mitzvah? First communion? Birthday party? School play? Some events meeting outside before makes sense, others would be really impractical and awkward. Some events are once in a lifetime and others are routine. How old are the kids, and would they expect your DH to be there? All if that would play into the calculus of whether or not to reasonably expect attendance in this situation with your covid concerns. (And would they know that your DH would be expected to isolate from you after attending masked?) just seems like there’s a mismatch of expectations and they need to do a better job communicating, which may mean that you have to give them permission to be honest with you (and then not take it personally when they are).
Anon
And to be clear, I think there is no obligation for you (or any aunt or uncle) to attend a dance recital or school play or what have you, even if covid wasn’t a concern. Religious events I feel differently about but I am religious and so is my family. I would not expect someone who doesn’t share that to attend, covid or no. So in that sense your BIL could be TA for demanding DH’s attendance.
Anon
Great response. Thanks for taking the different angle.
anon
I’m a parent, and no, not an a-hole. My kids have much different relationships with each of my siblings, and I think that’s normal and not something to force. They see each other at family gatherings, and none of us expect more than that from each other. One of my sisters will occasionally watch the kids, but the difference is that she lives 10 minutes away, and my daughter is a built-in playmate for her kids. I don’t get all upset that my other siblings aren’t doing the same.
Anon
My sister tried to guilt trip me about having my own kids a few years after she started her family because she had me all slotted into the “fun aunt” category and felt that I should prioritize her kids over having my own.
I am not making this up.
Anonymous
My grandmother (b. 1901) was guilted for marrying and having children for similar stupid reasons. In her family there had always been one girl who did not marry and became the maiden aunt who helped out her brothers and sisters with young children. Since her sisters had already married she was supposed to be it.
bird in flight
I hope you laughed in her face. That’s so ludicrous.
Anon
We are barely in touch – clearly someone who thinks this way has other issues too!
Anon
Yes. Your level of COVID concern is unreasonable at this point. It’s okay if you want to ask them to mask/test, but don’t be surprised if people say no. Especially when you’re meeting up outside when the risk of transmission is nil.
Anon
Unreasonable is the wrong word here. You can say it’s unusual or not what other people are doing, but everyone’s personal risk tolerance is different. It’s unreasonable to act like COVID isn’t still circulating. What you do with that information is a personal decision.
Anon
There’s nothing unusual about hanging out with kids at a park or playground, so it sounds to me like BIL is annoyed about your reasons? At this point, people are in adamant denial about the continued risk to the vulnerable and to anyone who draws the short straw, so people are going to be mad at you for not pretending the risk away with them. They also aren’t seeing your doctors and hearing the expert advice you’re getting, so they may additionally feel like you’re just making stuff up (this is also nothing new; there have always been people who will shame family members for medically restricted diets, allergies, and pretty much any socially inconvenient therapeutic or precaution out there).
Anon
But if parks and playgrounds are boring, have you considered treating the kids to something that might be more fun or social feeling? (An outdoor movie screening, fair, trip to the zoo?)
Anon
I’m guessing those types of outdoor activities would have too many people for OP’s liking.
Anonymous
And I bet he’s annoyed about testing too! I would be.
Anon
Yeah I don’t honestly consider the tests sensitive enough to be worth the expense and inconvenience and unpleasantness at this point. I think it makes more sense in terms of efficacy as well as I guess manners for a vulnerable person to just keep their mask on than to ask for everyone else to test before an outdoor gathering.
tests
+1 DD and I were sick and tested positive twice in the last 3 years. DH was even more sick at the same time as us and tested negative (rapid and PCRs) both times across multiple days and tests. His doctor Rx’d him paxlovid twice, also, marked his chart as testing positive twice.
Tests are….. fine, but clearly highly unreliable. I don’t think they’re the catchall that we all want them to be and I’d be annoyed if asked to test before a small gathering.
So, while NTA from the “uncle duties” perspective (what is that?) but YTA from a COVID precautions issue. I think OP needs to figure out what’s the root here.
Anon
I’m not testing to meet up with people any more, sorry. We ran through our supply of government tests, and tests aren’t easy to come by any more in our neighborhood drugstores. I am not going to track down a test, take the test (which I find deeply unpleasant) and then report the results just for the “privilege” of getting to be around someone who is probably going to get panicky if someone lightly coughs in their presence.
We had (note the tense) friends who were still being very Covid-cautious into late 2022, refusing to eat indoors, insisting everyone stay masked at the table until the food arrived, etc. It was just no fun being around them, sorry. We stopped calling them and they stopped inviting us to their outdoor-only dinners with six million rules about what we could and couldn’t do around them, and we’re happier not seeing them and I have to imagine they’re happier sitting in their house, away from everyone and the threat of contagion. Because despite having no pre-existing health conditions and four shots, they could not let go of the fear, and I have to think it’s easier to live without the fear than have to constantly engineer the world around you – and control everyone else’s behavior – just to go eat out with some friends.
Anon
Yes and no.
BIL asking your husband to fulfil uncle responsibility is rubbish.
That said, Covid times are seen as over globally. I get that one of you is vulnerable but the risk is that others will see you as wanting to pull back.
Anon
Eh, I can kind get the “uncle responsibility” angle. If the BIL is younger, it could very well be that he was there a lot for his nieces/ nephews, but now that he has young kids it’s like his brother is not interested in having a close relationship. Sure there are extenuating circumstances, but it can be hurtful. For example, my husband was pretty hurt that his siblings didn’t come to our kid’s’ birthday parties, didn’t want to exchange Christmas gifts, didn’t feel like visiting. It’s not about the stuff, it’s about being an important part of someone’s life. It was all fine and dandy to have him playing with their kids and doting on them for years, but they just don’t care that much about his kids. Kind of a one-sided relationship.
Anon
There is no such thing as uncle responsibility. If you have kids, you are responsible for them as a parent. Uncle-ing is 100% optional.
Relationship Help
+1,000 and I have no relationships with any of my uncles. It’s fine!!
Anon
Sure it’s optional but (absent abuse or other major issues in your family or origin), decent people partake in and spend time with their extended family.
Anon
@ 3:10 if they choose to. Decent people can also choose not to.
Anonymous
NTA. If you’re insisting people take tests before meeting them outside, maybe you should offer to provide some home tests. But you said “one of us is also medically vulnerable..” and you’re right to take precautions for that. Can you invite them for similar events you did pre-pandemic, just the outdoor version? I.e., dinner in your back yard instead of inside. Stay firm on your precautions but if the weather is nice it doesn’t seem like there should be a huge barrier to getting together outdoors.
Anon
If you want to have more of a relationship, could you do outside meetings without testing first? And I’d tell them like 5 dates you are free this summer and say you are happy to meet up for anything they want to do outside – baseball game, outdoor meal, water park, whatever. If they won’t make that work, that’s on them.
Anon
I wouldn’t call you guys assholes. But I think you and your husband carry more of the responsibility to protect yourself at this point. Putting testing requirements on your family, indefinitely before every single interaction is getting a bit much. Now is the time for you to protect yourself, which studies have shown is the best and often sufficient way to ensure safety.
I assume you guys are both fully vaxed. And I assume you are following the behavior your doctors told you guys to.
What I simply do is wear N95 masks for inside gatherings I want to go to. And outside too if I think I may be at risk or things are too close for comfort. After a concerning exposure, I self test at home at appropriate intervals so I can catch COVID quickly and start treatment early.
I think BIL is an AH for ignoring invitations and giving you the silent treatment, although I think you asking for everyone to be tested before every outdoor gathering is getting a bit much….. especially now that insurance isn’t covering home tests anymore so they will have to buy ?4 tests every time they see you.
In that scenario, I would just wear the N95 myself. Because at this point, it seems that you have made the decision that you will be doing this for the rest of your life. Which is what we have to do for my immunocompromised father. But unless you/your husband is undergoing a bone marrow transplant/severe immunocompromise, I would have a hard time forcing your family to test before every interaction – including outdoor ones.
You guys just need to wear N95s.
Because home antigen tests aren’t that great anyway, you know? You kind of have to wear the N95 if you are that high risk.
Anonymous
+1 to this. Testing is unreliable and unreasonable. A well-fitted N95 is where it’s at.
Anonymous
I’m on your side but I expect I’ll be the only one because I’m still living like two years ago for various reasons. I’d cut these people loose. Frankly if you care about catching Covid, you can’t be around people with young kids. Their lives are entirely back to pre pandemic with school, birthday parties etc. I’m not judging that, kids only get one childhood. But as an adult with no kids, I’m not interested in being around it – just not worth it for me though YMMV depending on how close these kids are. Don’t know what a nibling is.
Anonymous
Nieces and nephews and how sad for you that you don’t care about your family at all.
Anonymous
Shrug. I care about me and my immediate loved ones more, sorry. And I mean if you knew my extended family, you’d understand. Let’s not assume everyone has these hallmark perfect families – I wish but I don’t.
Anon
Kids aren’t missing out not being around someone who doesn’t really care for them.
Anonymous
Two things can be true though. Someone can care for the kids around them but also be medically vulnerable to the extent that being around them without masking isn’t advised. Ask most medically vulnerable folks and I guarantee there are a bunch who want to attend concerts, go to movies, and eat in restaurants but aren’t.
Anon
I don’t understand this. I care about catching COVID and can be around young kids in a ventilated space (like outside) and while wearing my own PPE. Even if it’s a birthday party!
Anon
If the app is not interested in being around her family and cuts them loose, surely that makes her the A?
Bette
is this a satire? you can never be around children again?
Anonymous
I think this post is extreme, but actually yes I do avoid close contact with children as much as possible. I have asthma, and when I get a cold it is virtually guaranteed to turn into weeks or months of bronchitis. Since I started wearing N95 masks for travel and in packed situations like theaters and limiting contact with young children, I have been sick much, much less and my quality of life is much greater. I still attend family events with small children but I avoid holding them, eating anything they have touched or breathed on, or letting them get in my face, and I don’t volunteer with kids anymore. I also verify with the parents that the kids aren’t sick before I arrive.
OOO
Could you provide more info on your medical condition? For example, if you were going through chemo I would understand this level of precaution.
Anon
I can’t speak for OP, but in my household the concern is much less about the risks of COVID itself (which still feel kind of random and unpredictable to me) than it is about the risks of COVID complicating pre-existing conditions (unfortunately this seems to be more likely). I’ve noticed that media and public health focus a lot more on who is hospitalized or dying from COVID directly and a lot less on who ends up in the hospital with a condition they already had, but which was never that bad until they got COVID and it spiraled out of control (this seems to come up mainly with doctors who are keeping up with condition specific research).
I think this is also believed to be part of the reason why all cause mortality is elevated far beyond COVID mortality in people who have had COVID vs. people who haven’t (along with other stuff like increased cardiac risk).
Anonymous
Not OP. I assume you’re only asking because this is a discussion online. But IRL I wish people would understand that if someone is being Covid cautious for whatever reason, they don’t owe you a medical reason which you can then judge. Because you know what happens, person says I have a heart valve issue. That’s met with a non cardiologist saying oh please I have a heart murmur as do three of my kids, we’re living life, you need to move on. Meanwhile you have no idea that that persons issue is something more severe than what you have, their MD has told them what to do etc.
anon
OP did ask if she was the — hole, so I assume that’s why she’s asking.
Anonymous
How about something like a BBQ? Still outdoors but a bit more personal to eat together rather than just stand around the swings?
NYNY
Has your husband actually spoken to his brother about this? Because it sounds like they don’t really talk, and that makes everyone the asshole. There’s probably a compromise solution that allows you to see your family again while maintaining some level of precautions, but it takes discussion and understanding.
Also, I’m assuming the kids are at least late elementary or middle school aged by now, which may be a factor. A twelve-year-old doesn’t want to hang out at the playground the way they might have at age 8, which was when you last saw much of them. Again, you need to open up communication to find a solution.
Anonymous
It definitely seems like you care more about avoiding covid than maintaining these relationships. If your heath situation is extreme and covid would be catastrophic for you then im sure it’s easy to accept that. If you’re just more vulnerable than the next person, and you’re wondering whether it’s worth it, I can tell you a lot of us chose close relationships over extreme covid avoidance. I get that you want outdoor only test required socializing to be the norm but it isn’t and you’re pushing people away.
Anon
Choices have consequences and in your case, the consequence is losing the close relationship you had with family. Being right or wrong doesn’t change the outcome.
Anon
I know a couple of people who are still taking extreme covid precautions and their quality of life is suffering because of it. Without knowing more about the severity of your medical condition (and not being a doctor!) I couldn’t say whether or not your precautions are reasonable for your situation. But at some point, you have to decide what is more important to you. Having relationships with people outside your home, or not catching covid. You can’t have both. Whatever decision you make is valid, but I will say that unless you are extremely high risk of serious complications, I encourage you to think about easing your precautions. The people I know who are still very much isolated are still in waiting mode for covid to be over. But covid is here to stay, that is pretty clear now. So if you are waiting for the risk of covid to go away, you are going to remain isolated for a very, very long time. And I would argue that the effects of that on your mental health and quality of life will ultimately be detrimental to you. If you haven’t already discussed this with your doctor, that would be a good first step in determining what precautions are medically necessary for you to take.
Anonymous
Not the OP – agree with you but FWIW some people who are sitting out aren’t necessarily waiting for covid to have a finite end, as much as they’re waiting to be able to get Novavax which appears to be more preventative but isn’t super easy to get in the US if you have had mRNA vaccines or they’re waiting for nasal vaccines. Novavax could be available for all by this fall depending on what FDA decides. Nasal vaccines are probably a year or more out still.
anon
+1
Also, if you think your medical situation is hard now, it’s only likely to get harder once you’ve alienated the rest of your family. Do you think BIL will coordinate medial care for you or your husband once you’ve let the relationship deteriorate? What’s going to happen with trips home from the hospital? Will he accept being POA if you don’t care about his kids?
Families are so essential for receiving good medical care.
Anon
Baring an unusual situation like a family member going through chemo, I don’t think your precautions make sense in 2023. You are free to enforce whatever rules you want, but people may be annoyed and want to distance themselves.
Fwiw I’m more cautious than 99% of people I know and have still not had Covid. We (including school age kids) mask in most indoor public places and still have not dined indoors except when traveling. But we see family and close friends indoors without masks and we will mask up and go to larger group gatherings and events.
I echo what others are saying that playground meetups are not that much fun once kids are over the age of 8 or so. Although there are other outdoor activities that are fun for older kids.
The Fold
For those of you that like The Fold pieces. I just listed some New With Tags dresses, tops and jumpsuits from The Fold on my poshmark for less than half the retail price. US sizes 8/10/M. Hoping they go to someone who appreciates the quality of The Fold!
https://poshmark.com/closet/msteeb25?utm_source&utm_content=ext_trk%3Dbranch%26feature%3Dsh_cl_ss_ios%26campaign%3Dshare_content_user__us.default.001%26rfuid%3Dext1%3Aeea97ddd-95ae-46a8-bc1a-3c38f70490a5&br_t=true&_branch_match_id=1205135915785733642&_branch_referrer=H4sIAAAAAAAAA8soKSkottLXL8gvztDLzdYPCnfNNHYxcU9ySgIA7br95RsAAAA%3D
Anon
Thank you for sharing! If only they were my size *cry*
Anon
+1
Gorgeous
In-House in Houston
Are the sized true to size? I’ve never purchased or worn from The Fold.
The Fold
I find the US sizes to fit similar to J. Crew or Kate Spade sizes. I’m a size 12 in J. Crew/Kate Spade and the super tailored The Fold pieces in a US size 12 fit me, and I can do the US size 10 in pieces with stretchier fabrics.
Anokha
Dying over how gorgeous they are — and sad that they’re not my size!!
Anon
Hi! I’d be super interested in buying them if you’re up for shipping to Canada… k a t e m i m at the mail of g.
Anonymous
Sadly not my size, but ugh, just drooling over your whole closet.
Anon
Chapter 13 here! So many good things have happened since I last updated you all. I moved into a new apartment (that is nearly $1k less/month than my last apartment), moved to a city closer to my family, and got a NEW JOB making my highest salary yet! I now have ~$2k in wiggle room each month after all of my expenses. Remember, I’m in a 100% payment plan, so I get to pocket all my extra money (i.e. it doesn’t go to my bankruptcy).
However, I need help with setting up my 401k. I’m early 30’s and I slacked off on retirement savings until now so I’m basically starting over. My company has a 7% match, but I’m not sure if I should be contributing more? I’m confused on all the calculators that give me different numbers for what I’ll need when I retire. I need a number I can trust, and then a contribution percentage that will get me there. Who do I talk to about this? Help!
Anonymous
It’s pretty easy! You need all the money when you retire. All of it. Maxing out your 401k is the best decision you can make if you’re otherwise paying your bills and saving up a reasonable emergency fund. I’d set it to the level maxing out would have taken if you were contributing all year ($1875 a month) and forget it.
Anon
First, contribute up to the match amount in your 401k. Never throw away free money.
Then, contribute some to your emergency fund. Ideally, you’d like 3-6 months of expenses! So start putting some cash in a money market fund every month getting at least 4-5% interest.
Then, open a ROTH IRA if you qualify by income limits. Contribute as much as you can up to the yearly limit.
Then, if you still have more $, contribute more to your 401k.
NO MORE DEBT. Save save save.
Way to go turning your life around.
Anon
And start reading the Bogleheads forums. Ask questions there.
Invest in broad total stock market index funds.
If you have limited choices through your employer, ask on Bogleheads what they recommend.
Anonymous
I would do the same. Having an emergency fund is how you avoid going into debt again. (See, e.g., all six of my major appliances that died within the past year and were replaced out of my emergency fund.)
Anon
It depends on your budget with your discretionary income, but I would contribute 7% + as much more as possible, while allowing you to save for an emergency fund and have a small leftover buffer every month. Obviously all of this after expenses and your budget amounts.
Anon
I’ll add, don’t get too tied up in the calculators right now, just put as much as you can in the 401k whether that’s 7% to get your match or maxing it out or somewhere in between.
Anonymous
Do you have savings for emergencies? Don’t focus on contributing to retirement until you have an emergency fund built up.
Anon
Congrats on all the exciting changes. For what it’s worth, I like Bankrate’s retirement plan calculator. It’s pretty simple to use.
Your employer’s HR team might also be able to give you contact information for the company’s 401k broker. I know our broker offers to meet with people for free and will even come in to the office to talk over plans, etc. They could at least get your 7% match started and probably suggest a good target date index fund with low fees.
Anon
This all sounds great. Congrats!
No one is mentioning how to invest the money in and being contributed to your 401(k), so I will. If the institution that holds your account offers target date funds, I would choose the one that is closest to when you will be 65-70. If it does not offer target date funds, pick something that closely approximates the market overall.
Anon
I mean target date mutual fund.
Anon
+1 my target date fund has outperformed any of my other investments. I have two 401k/IRAs, one is employer and one is a rollover from prior employer. They’re roughly the same size, or were, but my target date fund has done so much better it is now significantly larger. I’m 5-10 years away from retirement.
Anonymous
Have you considered hiring a true fee-only (meaning you pay them an hourly rate or a lump sum, not a percentage of assets) fiduciary financial planner? They can advise on questions of how much to save for retirement vs. emergency fund, how to invest retirement funds, etc. I would look for an independent CFP who does not sell anything or want to put your assets under management and is not affiliated with an investment company, bank, etc.
Anon
This seems not on point for someone in bankruptcy. You need to have assets before worrying about managing them.
Anonymous
She’s suddenly got $2K extra per month that she can’t decide what to do with. She seems to know she should save it but isn’t sure where (retirement v. emergency fund). That is one of the things a fee-only planner can help with, especially since she doesn’t seem to have much basic knowledge about personal finance. She could probably get the advice she needs for a few hundred dollars, including a plan for asset allocation in her retirement plan that she can rebalance on her own so she can go for several years without calling the planner again.
Anon
Sorry but it’s nuts to pay someone to figure out what to do with 24k.
Anon
In your situation, I would contribute 7% and put the rest into an emergency fund. Once you have a solid emergency fund, increase your contributions. You probably don’t have access to credit (or credit that doesn’t cost a fortune), and losing your job could imperil your ability to maintain BK payments. So that emergency fund is incredibly important.
Anon
This is what I’d do, and in fact did, and I’m pretty well set for retirement now. I contributed the matched amount only for years as I built other savings, then when I felt comfortable, I increased my 401k contributions up to the max. I usually increased my 401k percentage when I got an annual raise so it was a little more comfortable to do so. I also did the catch up contributions starting at age 50 (I’m 58 now).
Anon
Agree. What I’m driving at: the OP’s situation is such that her first concern is successful discharge of the BK. The worst financial decision she can make is something that imperils that discharge. Get the match, and everything else goes into an emergency fund. She loses her job? BK payments get made in time. She has an unexpected expense? Payments are made on time.
Anon
At a very bare minimum, contribute 7% so you get the full 7% back!! I would prioritize that right along with growing an emergency fund equal to 3-6 months of living expenses. After that is set aside, start increasing your percentage.
anon
This is kinda just what’s going to happen if you’re insisting on strict Covid precautions. Are park outings enjoyable for them and their kids? You went from having a close relationship, meals at home, etc, to refusing to see them unless you’re outside. That’s a literal physical separation and also an emotional one. I have a two year old and would decline any invitation that required us to test before attending, especially when we STILL are relegated to a park.
Anonymous
CW – weight
I’ve gained so much weight. Really over the last 10 years but especially in the last 2 after the birth of my daughter and am now 225lbs. I feel so fat, I look pregnant and I hate hate my body (and myself). I do no physical activity and my diet isn’t great. It feels like I am beyond hope. I don’t know how to get started. I’m not looking to be a size zero but I would really like to be an athletic size 10 or 12 but that feels so far out of reach. Any advice on getting started when the mountain (that you made yourself) feels insurmountable?
Anonymous
I’m in a similar spot and have a few thoughts:
– for me, weight/size goals feel sad and unsustainable. I prefer to focus on healthy behaviors. I cannot control my weight but I can get 150 minutes of brisk walking in a week, and I can eat fruit or vegetables at every meal. It’s a start
– I want Ozempic. And in your shoes I would talk to your doctor about it (I’m TTC and can’t take it now)
– make it as easy as you can. Buy the pre cut fruit.
Anon
Start small but doable. I WFH and have a chronic illness, so my daily step goal is 5,000, not 10,000, but I meet my goal pretty much every day. For diet, I like to focus on adding healthy foods and variety to what I eat. Focus on positives, not negatives.
Smokey
I agree with this. Start moving, even a 30 minute walk every day will improve your physical and mental health. For weight loss, you might want to think about Weight Watchers which focuses on healthy eating, or talk to your doctor about seeing a nutritionist. You are certain not beyond hope. Good luck!
Anonymous
Big hugs to you. I’m around there – I’ve decided I want to be stronger, so I do strength training. I’ve read fiber should be 25g+ for all people but especially women 35+ so I’ve been trying to eat higher fiber things, which also help with hunger; so does protein. Sugar really makes me crave more so I try to keep that in mind.
I’m looking into glp-1s also, but I find my perspective on my weight helps if I focus my goals on things other than weight, if that makes sense.
Anon
1. Take a depression questionnaire. If you are depressed, getting anything started will feel like moving a mountain. You had a baby and lived through a pandemic. Take care of yourself.
2. Start with physical activity you like. Do you like walking? Go on walks. Take a class at the YMCA. If you like it, go again. If you don’t like it, try a different class. You don’t need to be “good” at the class. Stand in the back if you feel embarrassed. Just move your body. It will get easier the more you do it.
3. Eat more lean and unfried protein (chicken, fish, protein-heavy pants) and fresh or frozen fruits and veggies. Eat less of the other stuff. Don’t beat yourself up or try to change everything all at once.
4. Talk to your doctor. If you are a candidate for weight loss meds or surgery, do it without shame.
Anon
If you’re able bodied, but sedentary, going for a short walk is a great way to start. Just being outside and moving does wonders for body and mind.
Anon
First, I’d talk to your doctor. Just to make sure that everything is checked out. See how your blood sugar is doing, your cholesterol, and your thyroid. You want to know what your risks are, and other things that could be affecting your weight, and your treatment options.
Then, I leave it to you whether to have a check-in with a nutritionist that your doctor recommends.
But I would start with one simple thing. One change in eating. Like stop sugary drinks/alcohol, just drink water. Or start eating two vegetables with dinner, instead of one veg and one starch. Start with changes that you can slowly add to your lifestyle, that are good for your family too.
And I would simplify breakfast, if you think you are eating a carb heavy/too many calorie breakfast. Something healthy but filling, with fat and protein to keep you feeling satisfied. Yogurt and fruit. Oatmeal and fruit/nuts. Eggs and veg.
Anonanonanon
I feel this so much. I agree with the other poster to make small but doable changes. I worked up to 30 minutes exercise 6 days a week. For some reason, my brain couldn’t comprehend 45 minutes of exercise but is willing to do 30. I have a treadmill and walk 4 of those exercise days on it, playing with the incline to get something of an interval workout. 2 days of basic strength training. You don’t need to do six days; just set a smaller goal that is reachable and pick an exercise you like.
I’ll also make the case for seeing someone who specializes in obesity medicine. I have no idea of your overall health besides weight, but at my highest weight I was morbidly obese and also have other conditions (high cholesterol, PCOS). I finally went to a doc who actually convinced me to do a med in addition to lifestyle changes. (Mounjaro.) I was resistant because I saw so much negative press about it but it has changed my life, particularly my relationship with food. It’s not for everyone. It’s not the only tool out there either. But this doc was able to put me on the med and also provide wraparound services including nutrition and exercise and therapy specific to food issues. Something to consider.
Anon318
I’m sure you’ll get lots of great advice, but if you are open to working with a registered dietitian, I highly recommend Emily Field. I have been working with her since the beginning of the year, first through her Eat2Lean program and since through her macro membership. The greatest benefits for me were (1) having a qualified professional guiding, teaching, and checking in with me 2+ times per week, (2) her focus on feeling good and honoring my body/hormones/stress levels while working toward physical and aesthetic goals, and (3) the vast amount of information she made easily understandable, leaving me empowered to support myself in the future. Check out her website and socials (emilyfieldrd everywhere) to see if her programs would be a good fit. Work with a registered dietitian can be paid for using HSA funds. I get no kickbacks for recommendations, I’m just incredibly happy with the change in my body and mind this year!
Anon
Hugs. I’m in the exact same boat. I know I need to make changes but I feel so overwhelmed.
MBA Mags
I feel you! When I feel this way, I try to focus on one small thing that can get that snowball effect going. So maybe it’s a walk at lunch for 10 minutes or making sure to eat a vegetable at dinner. I also try to figure out why I’m not doing the things I know intellectually I should. Am I not prioritizing myself? Am I too mentally and emotionally drained to think about healthy food? Or is it a time constraint? For me, once I can figure out why, it’s easier to make a plan.
Anon
My body went crazy after I delivered (rapid weight gain, autoimmune problems). I used a journal to keep track of my weekly movement. While Garmin will do that for me, I enjoyed seeing (example) M – walked 3 miles, T – HIIT, W – 2.5 mile run, etc. as I looked at it every day, it really helped me to keep on top of it. Definitely prone to thinking “oh I exercised a lot this week” and it was like one weekday.
Other thing that helped me: a list of activities to do. Walk, run, run on the treadmill at the gym when the weather is gross, swim when the weather is good, FitnessBlender workouts, my own kettlebell circuit. Then I just looked at my list and picked one.
anon
These are very practical, good ideas.
Anon
They are, and they are great for your physical and mental health.
But for overall weight loss, changing eating habits is more critical.
OP – if you can, do a little thinking about why you eat the way you do now. I say this because when I was overwhelmed with work, and stress, I ate “bad” stuff /comfort foods as a reward, to self-sooth etc… Working on the source of my stress and my mood, made the food stuff easier.
Yeah, its a lot…. One thing at a time. When you see your doctor be sure to talk about how your mood is doing too.
Anon
Feel free to add nutritional advice; my advice was about one area that I can confidently speak to.
I’ll also point out that many (not all, just many) people find that a regular exercise routine improves their eating habits. Stress relief and endorphins reduce their desire to eat junk, and feeling good about their bodies helps them to want to fuel properly.
Anon
Anon @ 2:16. You are totally right and you give great advice. Didn’t mean to downplay it at all.
Anon
You are definitely not beyond hope but I have one piece and only one piece of advice: Talk to a doctor who specializes in obesity medicine. Set yourself the task of finding a few this week and a deadline of July 14 to make the phone calls to discuss wait times for an appointment and insurance.
If that is absolutely not an option for reasons of geography (although a lot of them do telehealth) or money, talk to your general practitioner. This is a medical problem and you will do better with a medical solution.
Anonanonanon
Yes!
bird in flight
Your body has done INCREDIBLE THINGS in the last two years. Pregnancy and giving birth is seriously one of the most normalized yet wild and crazy and incredible things that humans can do with their bodies. It probably feels like eternity ago that you were actually pregnant (see 2 year old toddler) but it really wasn’t that long ago. Please, please try to give yourself a break. You and your body did a freaking miracle, and now it sounds like you now have some breathing room to focus on feeling more like yourself and so this is the time for that – not 2 years ago while you were doing the miracle! You’re not behind, you’re exactly on time.
I hope you can find a support person or system to start climbing the mountain with. I find myself more motivated to eat well when I do a physical weights or yoga workout – like I did that effort, it’s easier to choose a good for me food options. If you have the means, I would start with a good, supportive personal coach for a weekly or bi-weekly sessions. Not the body builder peak performance coaches, but the normal daily life ones. Also beginner yoga classes in a studio that isn’t the judgy, show off, toxic style (avoid the ones with mirrors and competitive spirits, find the zen den ones that tell you you’re doing a good job when you show up) can help you begin to feel more comfortable, confident and empowered in your body, which in turn can lead to other benefits. It’s a lot easier to make good eating choices when you don’t hate your body.
Anon
Postpartum I had a lot of success with the Get Mom Strong program. It wasn’t about weight loss, but about having a functional body. I wanted to be able to run around with my kids. Their SLAM bridge program is about a half hour. I didn’t do it quite on the schedule they recommended but I still had good results. After a few months I really noticed a difference in how I moved and felt.
Anon
I live in Florida and prefer going to Planet Fitness a few times a week because it is not as hot as walking. It is cheap, close to my house, and easy to do the machines.
Anon
I’m close to your weight, and what makes me feel good about my body is doing light exercise – yoga, walking, light weights. And buying clothes that fit and look great on me. Those things make me feel better, if if I don’t lose any weight. I think it’s fine if you want to lose weight (for me, that’s not a goal), but if you start with those small steps, I think it will put you in a better frame of mind to approach this from, because I think it’s easier to approach fitness and weight loss from a place of loving and caring for your body than from a place of hating it. Good luck to you!
Anon
You’ve got some really great suggestions here. To echo the other people chiming in, not to be hard on yourself. One idea, you might want to check with health insurance if they have a virtual health coach program you can join.
I’ve been on two different health insurance programs in the last couple of years. Both have similar health programs that are free to join. I mostly just had to fill out a questionnaire with enough info to qualify based on BMI.
The last one I did, did help me lose several pounds. It included small weekly focused goals, along with tracking my steps, weight, exercise and diet. The diet tracking was really simple, I just uploaded pictures through an app. I then got as much feedback from a personal coach as I wanted.
The little weekly lessons paired with a goal were a nice way to make make it doable. Especially juggling kids, house, work, etc.
Anon
At the advice of my doctor I embarked upon a slow weight loss plan starting last September. I had dieted and lost a lot of weight before but it always came back, usually with a few new friends. He advised losing a pound a month, so I just started counting calories. The apps want you to start at 1200 calories but that’s a fairly extreme diet, or it was at my then-current weight. I tried 1500 but was losing weight rapidly, so I increased to 1650, and gradually over time I have brought it down to 1500 again. I don’t think I will go much below this.
I use my fitness pal. I am honest about counting because I don’t see the point of lying to myself, and I don’t share it with anyone. I have lost 40 lbs without significantly increasing my activity level (I have a disability) and I feel fine. I’m not quite done but it feels really good to have lost as much as I have, which is two pants sizes.
Anonymous
Agree so much with everybody that walking is a great way to be a little more active. I love to walk around during meetings WFH if I can, with a bluetooth headset, but also outside. If you have a safe space outside to take walks, podcasts or audiobooks are great to feel that it’s not just a walk but a real break. Or talking on the phone while walking unless you feel that’s too strenuous yet.
If you want to start to change your diet, I think knowing whether you’re an “all or nothing” or a “moderation” kind of person is great. (Gretchen Rubin has some great explanations). If you know that having a multi pack of sodas or packet of Oreos, chips or candy in the pantry means that you’ll eat or drink the whole thing, in one sitting, there’s no point having a goal of having one cookie or one square of chocolate each day. I cannot eat one square of chocolate, and would rather have no chocolate than binge (and I will definitely binge). Other people feel super deprived unless they get a little bit, I’m all or nothing. It doesn’t matter what works for you, as long as you choose something sustainable that makes you feel good.
If you’re an all or nothing person like me, you might have an easier time with a lower carb or keto style diet change than a moderation or “add fruit” style diet. I’m sensitive to sugars, and thrive on foods that are full fat and high protein, unless I get those I never feel satiated. While I eat loads of veg, fruit is no longer a daily thing and I could easily live without fruit.
If you’re a moderation kind of person, who can do a little bit, a Mediterranean style diet might be an easier fit.
It’s a good idea to do your blood work before doing changes, though, and for your doctor look at things like do you check the criteria for Metabolic syndrome, are you pre-diabetic, do you have functional iron deficiency (can make you depressed and hinder weight loss). Maybe medication or surgery makes sense, maybe it does not.
Whatever you do, any kind of ultra processed or addictive food you’re able to tweak a little bit will be a long term win whatever size you are. Every walk or bathroom dance you do will be a long term win. When you are overwhelmed, it’s extremely important to be kind to yourself.
Sunshine
The best thing I do to eat well is to grocery shop well. I struggle to not eat snack foods if they’re in my house. I’m very good at not buying snack food at the grocery store. So, as a general rule, I do not buy snack foods at the grocery store. Instead I buy a lot of easy to prepare vegetables because I don’t like to cook and, as long as I’m eating at home, I eat those vegetables. I can make a conscious decision to go to the grocery store for a special trip to buy a snack food, but I don’t mindlessly snack while watching TV, for example, because the stuff isn’t in the house – but I absolutely would do this if the food were in the house.
As to easy-to-prepare vegetables, I buy spring mix in a box and salad dressing at Trader Joes and make easy salads. I also eat a lot of roasted veggies that I make in large quantities and re-heat. I like real carrots as opposed to baby carrots, but I peel and cut the whole bag at one time so the carrot sticks are readily available. I agree with the poster who suggested buying pre-cut fruits and veggies if that will help you eat more of them.
I don’t believe anyone is beyond hope. I bet everyone feels hopeless about various aspects of their lives at various times. Like any project, losing weight isn’t linear. You’ll see successes and you’ll experience set backs. But as long as you’re moving forward when you take a global view, you’re winning.
MBA Mags
I’m starting a new job soon! I haven’t had a “first day” in almost a decade, so let me know your favorite first day/ first week things!
Anon
A celebratory favorite dinner/food after the first day. Something to celebrate, look forward to, and to help release the stress of a first day!
And on the first day, I make a physical list of every person I meet, their name, and some identifying thing to help me remember them. When you meet new people, stand up straight, look them in the eye, smile, good handshake if/when appropriate, and say their name back to them. Make them feel good when you meet them, and make them remember you!
And then be sure to remember them…. write down those names!!
Horse Crazy
How do I figure out how much to charge for my consulting services? I’m just starting, and it’s still a side business for me. I do political campaign consulting, as well as trainings for nonprofits and local governments on how to do advocacy for themselves at the state government level. I will likely need options for an hourly rate and a flat rate. Most people I’m acquainted with who do similar work are affiliated with firms, and I’m on my own, so they’re not great examples. I’m in a VHCOL area (Bay Area). Google is unhelpful. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Anon
I’d still find out what full time firms charge. When you sideline or freelance, people doing it full time will be a lot less helpful to you if you severely undercharge for your services. I’d look at the going rate and then adjust up or down based on your experience level.
Anon
If you were employed before, calculate your gross hourly rate before taxes and other deductions. The rule of thumb is to double that for consulting. That’s what I did. It may seem like a lot to you, but you have to pay for your own benefits, buy business insurance, make your own IRA contribution, and most importantly, pay both the employee and employer side of so-called payroll taxes.
House Exterior Help
We’ve spent the last couple of years remodeling the inside of our house and did some landscaping this year. Next year, I want to focus on the house exterior – not just a new paint job, but possibly altering/updating the front door area and porch. I’m not sure what type of professional I need – it feels too small of a project for a full blown residential architect. I have a contractor; what I need is someone who can look at what we have and give us some ideas on how to update, then make a plan for the contractor to follow. I would appreciate any leads on where to start. Thank you!
Anon
Start with your contractor, a lot of them have great design ideas or work with architects they like and can refer you.
Nesprin
+1 a good contractor knows good architects, landscape designers etc.
Anon
Many interior designers could help with this. The designer who helped us pick out tile etc. for our bathroom remodel is also helping with the front porch. Ask the designer who helped with your interior remodel.
Anonymous
Have any of you navigated a somewhat adversarial relationship with your child? I’m asking here because the mom board skews toward moms with young children. One of my children is…difficult. He’s also very young; I’m hoping his personality will mellow with time but I’m not sure that it will. He’s not on the spectrum. He’s just full of energy, proprioceptive, and very strong willed. I find myself…not liking him? Of course I love him but he just sucks up all of my energy. I don’t want to resent him on neglect my other children because he needs so much. I know I should go to therapy but I anlso need practical advice on how to cope. Parenting books either say “just love your child more” or “hold firmer boundaries” neither of which seem to work for him. Any advice? Commiseration? Reassurance that he won’t turn 18 and never come home again?
Anonymous
Therapy is the practical advice and what you need to do.
Anonymous
IMO therapy is often useless for this. What’s needed is practical coaching and probably the right diagnosis for the kid.
Anonymous
I hate the constant “therapy” refrain here. When the poster’s distress is caused by outside circumstances, the answer is to fix those circumstances. It’s such a “pull yourself up by your own (wealthy) bootstraps” attitude. This is what’s wrong with America. We tell people just to learn to cope instead of actually fixing problems.
Anon
Me too.
anon
That sounds tough, no real advice here. Is he old enough for organized sports? It may be a good way to discharge that energy and help him mellow a bit.
Anon
Along these lines, martial arts for self-discipline?
Anonymous
Has he been evaluated for ADHD, ODD, etc.? I have noticed that among my family and friends the “difficult”/high-conflict kids almost all end up diagnosed with ADHD and/or ASD and that the conflict lessens dramatically once they are in appropriate treatment (including meds for some). These kids’ daily lives are such a struggle when untreated and they take it out on their parents. You can’t parent your way out of ADHD.
anon
I honestly wonder if ADHD is at play, here. It sounds eerily similar to our situation when our son is unmedicated. With medication, he’s still intense and energetic, but he’s also able to listen to reason and we can actually … parent him.
Anonymous
Yeah, when a kid has ADHD and needs medication, every. single. thing. is a battle when they are off their meds. Putting on their shoes. Getting in the car. Getting out of the car…
Anonymous
Try the moms’ board–these issues are frequently discussed there, with more compassion than is usually seen on this board.
Anonymous
You say he’s not on the spectrum but has he been evaluated for oppositional defiant disorder?
BeenThatGuy
+1 This
Cerulean
I think reframing it from being an adversarial relationship to one that is in a difficult period might be a start. Looking back, my brother and I were each the “difficult” ones at different periods of our lives (and I think this is true in many families I know). I was very sensitive with a temper that was challenging to my parents, and my brother was a very easygoing kid but put my parents through the wringer as a teen and in his twenties. I’m now the one who is closest to them, so I wouldn’t put much stock into how your kid is now being a reliable indicator of what your relationship will be when they’re older. I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time!
anon
I have been through this, and it is hard. Kid is 13 and while he is still a very intense personality, he has better social graces and not quite as much pent-up physical energy. The mental energy, though, is still off the charts. (I know you said he’s not on the spectrum, but is ADHD at all a possibility?) The best advice I can give is that you need small breaks during the day, whenever possible, so you don’t lose your crap, and to make sure you’re still giving him 1-on-1 time to build the relationship. I think that’s more useful than “just love your child more.” Of course you love him; that’s not in question. I regularly have to remind myself of my son’s very good qualities (and I articulate those to him) because sometimes the overall intensity and energy really drain my batteries. And honestly, I often feel like whatever I have to give is never going to be enough for this particular child. And that’s not his fault, it’s on me to work through that in the best way I can. I don’t know. It’s really, really hard, and it’s not something you can talk about with friends, for obvious reasons. I do have to hold strong boundaries with him when it comes to him butting in on the time I’m spending with his sibling or even my spouse.
Anonymous
My kids are both like this – my youngest is AuDHD, his bro not (maybe ADHD, but very mild). I think family counseling would have been helpful and where we’re headed next b/c our dynamic is off, not just my view of it.
Read The Explosive Child, too – really helps reframe things.
Anon
https://www.nakedrandomthoughts.com/
Anon
How much exercise does he get and what does his diet look like? Cut out simple carbs and sugars, and get him into sports or running around every day. If that doesn’t work, consider ADHD.
Anon
How old is the child? My advice will vary dramatically on the answer to that question. Also, oldest, youngest, middle?
No Face
My more difficult child is on the spectrum. She’s most difficult when her physical needs aren’t met. She needs more sleep and more unstructured downtime than other kids. An early bedtime and a “pajama day” for doing nothing is a good reset.
Are you partnered? My husband and I take turns with each sometime. My NT kid gets substantial one-on-one time with each of us.
Are you taking care of yourself? Make sure you spend time doing things you like without the kids. Maybe dinner was a tired cranky kid yelling at me, but if I’m meeting up with friends after bedtime it’s not so bad.
Anon
I had one difficult baby and one easy one. The difficult baby turned into an easy kid. The easy baby turned into a difficult kid, who is still difficult. I love him to pierces but he also drove me crazy.
Once he was a teen and better able to express himself, his pediatrician recommended a therapist. He has a lot of trouble with anxiety and is now medicated for it as a college student. I think his anxious tendencies led to a lot of tough behavior as a younger kid.
Not saying this is exactly what’s going on with your son, but just that it can take time to figure out root causes. Hugs to you.
Anon
“Hold firmer boundaries” will work if you do, in fact, hold the boundaries. I’ve done a lot of babysitting, and seen a lot of different parenting styles. The best behaved kids had parents who stuck to their guns. In other words, they’d set a rule and hold to it. They didn’t cave at the first sign of a tantrum. They didn’t care if the kid had a screaming fit because the kid didn’t want to pick his toys up or go to bed at 8. Rules is rules. It might take a week or so of defiance, but you *must* still to your rules. Who’s the adult? Who’s the kid? Are you going to be a second class citizen to your own child? I’ve seen it happen.
Anon
This seems . . . well-intentioned but out-of-touch.
Anon
Not out of touch if it works. You’re trading one or two weeks of defiance with defiance for the next ten years. There’s nothing wrong with rules.
Anonymous
I see you do not have actual children. Firm boundaries work for normal children. Then there are the ones for whom absolutely nothing but treating their issues works.
Anon
Right, another childless parenting expert.
Anon Here
Starting with the caveat that I do not have children. I do, however, admire my parents as parents and now as friends. The way you describe your relationship with your child is how my parents describe their relationship with my sibling until they were about 15 years old; after that point, my sibling became far more bearable and eventually became a great human and my family gets along well. My mom talks about tucking my sibling into bed, saying I love you, and closing the bedroom door as she counted the years until they went to college because my parents wanted this child out of the house so badly because they were so difficult.
My parents credit the change with adopting the approach of Love and Logic. See loveandlogic dot com. I have not dug into this parenting philosophy, but I do know my folks found it tremendously helpful.
sleeveless tops
My summer wardrobe is cute sandals/mules, flowy light and loose pants with great drape, and simple sleeveless tops that create the faux jumpsuit look.
I need more sleeveless tops. Any favorites?
Looking for simple cuts, no frills, solid colors (ideally several color choices).
No huge arm holes, ideally. But prefer more drapey styles than crisp/structured.
Thanks!
Anon
I love love love these. I have multiples and back ups in case they ever stop making them.
https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/tops-and-blouses/cata000010/403546.html?dwvar_403546_color=2899&dwvar_403546_size=700&pid=403546
Anon
Is the rayon back knit or woven? I find knit rayon shows bra bulge.
Relationship Help
The back is knit.
Anon
Thanks for your reply.
Anon
No advice but what are your favorite pants? What you describe sounds great!
Anon
Linen tanks from the brand Flax. I go for the shorter length, not anything labeled tunic. I find some on their website, some on eBay.
Desperately Seeking Susan's Sweaters
I know WoolOvers has been mentioned in the comments this year. Can someone remind me how to search the comments? Also, if you have bought any WoolOvers sweaters, what did you think of the quality? I am eying the Cashmere Merino Deep V Neck Tunic because I have been looking for sweaters in more vibrant colors and my previous sources, Banana Republic and J. Crew, have only had neutral colors or cropped versions in the past few years. I have tried a couple of sweaters from J. Crew Factory but did not like the quality after washing them a couple of times on gentle and hang drying. If you have found another brand for sweaters in the $100-$200 range (preferably in a blend of materials), please share!
Anonymous
It is too hot for this post
Anon
It’s 40 degrees Fahrenheit, or 4 Celsius here, so I’m interested in this question too!
Anon
I haven’t ordered cashmere from them, but I think the quality is pretty good. I’m definitely happy with the sweaters and how much I paid for them.
Anon
Oh, and quality will be miles away better than JCF! I find clothes from JCF basically disposable in quality. I’ve had my Woolovers sweaters for four or five years now.
OP
Thanks for your reply!
Anon
Land’s end. I bought cashmere sweaters this past winter from three sources – Land’s End, Nordstrom house brand, and J Crew, and the nicest ones were from Land’s End.
However, contrary to your experience, I did find full length colorful v neck cashmere sweaters from J Crew, as well as Nordstrom.
Anon
+1
I bought a couple of Land’s End cashmere sweaters this winter after somebody mentioned them here, and they are by far the most luxurious feeling ones I’ve owned, after buying from Nordstrom, Bloomingdales, and specialty brands in the past. Many thanks to the poster who recommended the mitered LE sweater a few months ago!
An.On.
You should be able to search the comments by starting out with “site: corporette*com” and then adding your search terms (swap a period for the asterisk in your actual search and no need to use quote marks).
Anonymous
Does Rome have any kind of off season or is it like London – a year round tourist spot? I’m wanting to go but opted out of this summer mostly because I don’t enjoy heat. Seems like every third person I know went to Italy this summer and from their pics it looks packed.
FWIW I’m one of those people who does NOT go to every major tourist site even on my first trip to a place. I feel like I pick two to four major attractions that are must see for me and the rest of the time I’d rather get coffee, walk thru neighborhoods and see what interests me. From Rome must see right now is Coliseum, Pantheon, and Spanish Steps. I doubt I’d go to the Vatican as I’m still not comfortable being packed into crowds and I imagine something like the Vatican is a structured tour where you can’t just duck out if the guy next to you is coughing all over.
Tips on when to go or other things Rome?
Of Counsel
I went in late November and other than the Trevi Fountain and the Vatican Museum it was not crowded. When you say “the Vatican” do you mean the Vatican Museum or Vatican City? Whether to go to the Vatican Museum depends on how much you like art. It was a must-see for me and I did early admission so I could get in before it got crowded. (And no – you do not have to do a tour, although a tour allows you to use the direct access between the Sistine Chapel and St. Peter’s which saves you going all the way around the walls of Vatican City.) But if you are uncomfortable with crowds it can be a problem. The Borghese Museum is much smaller and less crowded. St. Peter’s is worth seeing (again if you are interested in art). My suggestion would be to look at the “Top 10” sites on TripAdvisor and pick the ones that look fun to you.
In terms of other activities, you mentioned the Coliseum but the Forum is right next to it and they are a good combination. In my view, the Forum benefits from a guide or a good audio tour.
Also, a lot of the sights are within easy walking distance so I always recommend a walking tour. And if you want to get out of the main part of the old city and the weather is nice, I really love the Appian Way. I rented bikes at the Visitor’s Center and stopped at the various sites along the way. Ostia Antica is a short train ride and is also a great off the beaten path alternative if the weather is cooperative (download an audioguide).
I am jealous! I love Rome.
anonshmanon
For me, the Trevi Fountain was the rare thing where it was beyond crowded, but at the same time I found it so beautiful that I would probably go again.
Anon
May and October are wonderful times to go.
Cat
Late spring and early/ mid fall are great times for southern Europe!
Anon
We went to Rome and Florence in March 2017 when it was spring break for my schoolteacher husband. It was busy but not packed; we went with friends who had been to Rome a few summers earlier and they commented a few times about how much less busy and crowded everything was and how lovely the weather was (warm but not gross). I would definitely do another March trip to Italy.
Anon Here
We have found Thanksgiving is a great time to go to European cities. It’s an easy time to get away from the US, it’s not a holiday in Europe, and weather is usually great. I cannot comment specifically about Rome in late November though.
Anecdata
St Peter’s at the Vatican is a walk-around-on-your-own & leave whenever you want situation fyi.
Anon
Go in October or November. Avoid Easter and Xmas, go in late January or February.
Anon
If I want to grill vegetables or meat but live in an apartment and don’t have access to a grill what’s my best bet? Grill pan? George Forman? Something else?
Sunflower
I like the All-Clad HA1 Hard Anodized Nonstick Grill Pan.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01L1V75LI?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details
Sunflower
Also, don’t get the Le Creuset grill pan. It’s really hard to clean.
Anom
George Foreman is easy.
Anonymous
It has been a long time (decades), but in your situation I used an electric grill to good effect. I would assume technology has only improved since then.
Grill pans are okay but I found clean up super easy with the electric grill.
bird in flight
Okay, I grew up in Wisconsin and grilled brats on a grill is practically in our bill of rights, however I tried air frying them last year and they are so.much.better. Ninja Foodi Airfryer is excellent. We also prefer cooking steaks in our cast iron pan, and then putting it into the oven to finish off.
We’re terrible Wisconsin prodigy basically, when it comes to outdoor grills.
Anon
Grill pan but make sure you have a good ventilation hood and an open window because those grill pans really smoke.
Anonymous
Anyone have a good backless bra solution? I have fairly perky C-cups that need to meet more in the middle – so marrying them is more of an issue than lifting them, though a little lift would of course be good. Nipple coverage is not terribly important, but I don’t think I have seen any such item that doesn’t do that.
Anon
Is this for daily wear or a once-a-year special occasion? I’ve had great luck with various sticky cups from Amazon for special occasions.
Anonymous
I guess something in the middle. It is to wear with a particular dress that I would expect to wear maybe 6 times a year. It is more of a date dress than special occasion.
Do the sticky cups connect and pull you toward the middle? Again, I am lucky that at 50 I really don’t sag, but I am very wide-set.
Anon
They have single use stick on bras where the two sides clip together in the middle.
I was just at a wedding where my friend wore the pasties that don’t connect with her low back dress. It’s fine if you don’t do a lot or bending over, or maybe depends on the cut of your dress, but her daughter was the flower girl and she was doing a lot of bending, and the stick ons were definitely showing. In hindsight she says she should have used some garment to stick them to her dress. I don’t know if that would have worked.
Anonymous
There is no issue with anything showing. The dress simply has a cut out in back. But they definitely need to connect.
Relationship Help
Is anyone willing to share success stories of coming back from losing physical interest in your partner?
I am in the pretty early stages of a relationship (~3 mos) and due to some things that have happened and the more I get to know my partner, the physical interest has shut off for me. I have a history of this as a defense/self-sabotage mechanism, so I am trying to figure out if this is just in my head and how to move forward (therapy appt soon!) or if I should throw in the towel.
Partner is very sweet and kind and smart and conventionally attractive! We have had some busts in the $ex department due to some unresolved trauma on his end. He is very insecure and feels a lot of shame around some things that have happened to him, especially around $ex and intimacy and it’s almost like after the last time I just lost the vibe. I have tried to be super supportive – I confirm he is not broken, there is nothing wrong with him, that what happened to him is not his fault (it’s not), but heck this is exhausting and hard and at what point do I say I can’t do this and not be a complete A-H. Or maybe I will be the A-H and that’s just how it had to be to protect my own mental health? It’s dragging me down y’all.
He is also about to be in the middle of a messy divorce and I just am exhausted and sad thinking about going through it. He is going to be heartbroken if I end it (he has said he loves me), but that’s not a good reason not to end it.
Gah, I am making excuses. This is not it for me, right?
It seemed so great at the beginning, but I guess that’s how it goes sometimes.
Sorry for the rant and appreciate suggestions even if they are the tough internet “love” I need to hear. Sigh.
Anon
This all sounds hard and complicated at 3 months. This should be way easier at this stage.
Nesprin
+1 you’re 3 mos in- it should be rainbows and unicorns and exciting new relationship bits not taking on untold quantities of emotional labor, playing unpaid therapist for his trauma and his IN PROCESS DIVORCE.
Seriously, you deserve so much better, and you have a chance to go find it if you cut bait and run.
Anon
Not even in process! “About to be” in process. Sounds like this man is still fully married to me! (And I’m not pearl clutchy about dating while separated but legally married.)
Anon
Came here to day this. 3 months is still the part when everything is fun. If you’re already having to “work on your relationship” then this is not the guy for you.
Anon
Back waaayy up. You are only the AH when’d acting if you break up in a callous manner, cheat, lie, or are cruel. You are entitled to your own dealbreakers.
It’s been three months. Move on. You said “it was so good at the beginning,” as if three months isn’t *the actual beginning* of a relationship.
Anon
For a 3 month relationship? No, this is the best it will ever be. I would say this is not the relationship for me
Anon
3 months in? Girl, end it.
Anon
What do you mean he’s “about” to be in the middle of a divorce?
Relationship Help
They have been separated for two years. Initially, he filed and had been following the timing in our state and moving it along without lawyers. Then she re-filed (early in dating) and got a lawyer. They have kids and the support/custody process is going to bring up a lot of things for him that are going to be very hard. I only knew they had been separated for two years and the divorce was in process at the beginning. He disclosed more as we progressed.
anon
Setting the question of your physical compatibility totally aside, I’d question whether this guy has the emotional capacity for a new relationship at this point. (And my experience tells me he does not.) If he’s not emotionally available, the relationship is unsustainable. Be honest with yourself: do you want to be this guy’s emotional support system while he gets a divorce? Because that will be the focus – not your new relationship.
Anon
Huh? Her re-filing shouldn’t matter or change the process.
Go online. Find your state court system’s website. Search for the family court in his county and run a search on his name. You will be able to see where he is listed and what the times were.
Anonymous
SO. MANY. RED. FLAGS. “About to in middle of a divorce,” he’s said he loves you at 3 months, and you’re not feeling it in bed. Run away.
Anon
Yeah what did I just read.
Have some self respect, OP!
Anon
+ 1!
anonforthis
It has been three months – end it. If you were married or long term committed it would be a different story, but it has only been three months. Cut your losses and move on.
Relationship Help
Thank you all for telling me what I needed to hear. I hate this part, but I know it’s more kind to do it earlier rather than drag it on.
Anon
And value yourself more. Why are you wasting time like this?
Relationship Help
In all honesty, because I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough to work on my own ish. And also because I felt like we communicated well and that this was just part of getting to know people and people are complicated. And because I am not young and the dating pool where I live sucks.
And and and. I know. Just lame excuses.
Anon
I would encourage you to be a little more gentle with yourself. People are complicated, and it’s not like you wasted years of your time here. This guys isn’t the right one for you. Doesn’t mean the right guy isn’t out there.
anon
This sounds way too hard for a new relationship. And this dude is NOT ready to be dating.
Anon
Yes, he is not ready to be dating.
I hope he is in therapy.
Relationship Help
He is but I think he needs a new therapist. She said she was so happy we met each other which indicates to me she thinks he is ready to be in a relationship.
Anon
I wonder if he’s completely honest with his therapist. Because he is so not ready.
Anonymous
He’s still married and the s€x isnt good and it’s only been three months? Value yourself
more. Break up.
Anonymous
This man is not relationship material. He’s a married man who has not even started the divorce process. He has a ton of trauma that he is trauma dumping on you. He is love bombing you. There are so many red flags here. Leave him immediately.
Anon
I think he sounds like he needs to work on himself way more before he’s ready to be in a relationship.
Anonymous
Using this slow week to organize my work life and need your recommendations on best To Do list system. The task list in outlook is not customizable enough for me – while I don’t think I need full blown project management software, I do need to organize multi-step processes in a way that gets them out of my head and down onto paper (i.e. Here is the overall task, and below it here are the 7 steps that need to happen, and who is responsible for each). I tend to use my laptop rather than my phone so something accessible that way would be really helpful. Thank you.
Anonymous
I like Trello for this, if you have repeating multi-step processes where duties shift between people. Start a column for each person. Set up a saved checklist on the steps. Each small project gets its own card (larger projects might get their own column or board). Then when it’s Person B’s turn, you check off what’s been done, move it to their column so they know what to do next. Tons of good templates for specific types of work, too.
Explorette
I use Outlook tasks but in a different way that might work for you. So my task is titled Client, and in the notes I make the list of all the things that need to happen, who it is assigned to, what is the deadline. Example:
Client
-create document: with co-worker to prepare, due on x/x
-send document to client: due x/x
-finalize document for execution
-send fully executed copy to all parties
NYNY
There are a lot of free templates for project tracking in Excel, maybe that will work for you? Bonus is that they make report-outs easy, since you can track % completed, items past due or at risk using charts and formulas.
anon
Maybe try something like goblin tools? (https://goblin.tools/) It will break tasks down for you in a fairly generic way and then you can use that as the basis for a full-blown project plan if you need / want it.
PJ
Monday.com does this
Anon
Finally got a meeting with someone I formerly worked with who is about ~10 years senior to me and is in a current “dream” position. I really really want to network with them, and got a time slot………………..in November. There are rumors they may have an open position for a chief-of-staff type role that I wanted to suss out.
They are very busy and have a lot of travel obligations, but I feel like this makes it clear I wouldn’t be of interest IF this rumored position existed; they have no idea I’m looking for work. Am I right?
Anon
You need to be more direct. If there’s a job you’re interested in, say so. Otherwise it’s not unreasonable to have a networking meeting scheduled a few months out. I personally hate when people try to fake on my calendar, be direct about why you want to meet. And also be prepared to have your request denied, there could be an official application process.
OP
Maybe you’re right…I can’t be super direct since the position does not officially exist and as far as they know, I’m at her former employer with lots of folks she has relationships with.
I also was planning to reach out to network apart from this position because I’d like to build/keep a relationship AND there are likely other roles she may be aware of that need filling.
Anon
Then you say “Hi Colleague, I heard a rumor you may be hiring for a COS position and I’m interested if it’s true! Any chance we could meet for coffee to talk? Also hope you’re doing well and I’d love to see you at your convenience either way.” She won’t consider you for something that you don’t express interest in.
Anon
If there’s a job and your contact is putting you off until November, then you’re not being considered for it. You need to be more direct.
OP
Ok – I totally bungled. New question, then. I have a slot with her in early November. Is there a way of e-mailing her about the possible position without seeming like a complete idiot?
Maybe a “Good luck with XYZ, and I look forward to connect this Fall. Also, [mutual contact] mentioned you may be looking for a COS in the coming months – would love to be considered if that is the case – I’ll keep my eye out for the posting, but in the interim, if there is anything else I can do, happy to learn!”
Anon
That’s a good script. I’d send it as long as you know her well enough for the causal tone.
Anon
I think that’s perfect.
Anonymous
out of curiosity does anyone have any clothes from the Rag & Bone black/white stuff last year? i thrifted a crepe black dress with a deep V made of a white black stripey knit material, and the knit material is all folded over and crinkly. Trying to decide if it’s worth dry cleaning it to get it to bounce back or if someone screwed the dress up by throwing it in the washer/dryer.