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Updated: Mar 1, 2021 244 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Autumn Tweed Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Anne Klein Autumn Tweed Sheath Dress

Prices at 6pm tend to swing around, and this dress has been dipping as low as the $30s and as high as the $60s or $70s in recent days. So I'm happy to report that today it's $39.99, making it perfect for Frugal Friday.

I like this color of light brown, and the interesting V-neck — I would definitely try it with a belt to nip it in a bit more, though.

The matching blazer is also well-priced today, at $46.99. Happy Friday! Anne Klein Autumn Tweed Sheath Dress

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Comments

  1. Susedna

    This dress looks wide at the waist and snug at the hip, so, hit or miss depending on body-type, as with most clothes. I’d stick a white button-front shirt under it, because as it is, it is not work appropriate for my office. Separately, I am really happy to see today’s post show up on the site before 9:45am (EST) because I get here early (sometimes well before 8am.). I know the world does not revolve around the U.S. Eastcoast cities or me, but I freely admit my limitations as a person and as a worker. I have crap productivity from 7-8am each morning and would love some new posts. Pretty, pretty, please, Kat?

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      Oh I sympathise! I’m five hours ahead the East Coast so I have to wait until the afternoon to get my fix :)

        • Susedna

          I am curious. Do you just read the previous day’s evening threads or do you also post?

          I am too lazy to try to pick up from where I stop reading from the previous day. And I feel like responding so much after everyone else has already responded is like me talking to an empty room after everyone has left the party. Oh well, back to Buddhism 101 for me.

    • KC

      Susedna, I know how you feel! I tend to settle in with my coffee around 7:45, and always click here in hopes of warming up my brain to get cracking on actual work :)

    • Property Q

      This V doesn’t seem all that deep, but I’ve been surprised at how many things I’ve seen lately that are a moment of bad posture / bending from a wardrobe malfunction. Maybe people try on things standing and then never sit down and slump a little to make sure they are still covered? [This could be the office equivalent of doing the YMCA dance moves while trying on strapless dresses to make sure they’d stay up.]

      This dress makes the model seem pear-shaped (which I’m sure she’s not, or not to the degree it seems).

      • anon

        She does not look like a pear at all to me in that dress- her shoulders and hips are the same width

    • Ellen

      Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s — and this sheathe dress, Cat! Great Find!!!

      I agree with Suesdna–no way could I wear the top without something underneathe, — even a turtel neck in winter is a good idea with Frank peereing at my boobie’s. You think he was living on a tropical ISLAND without women for the last 10 year’s b/c of all the stareing! FOOEY! I realy do NOT understand it b/c his wife is very attractive and I am sure she does NOT walk around the house wearing a suit of ARMOUR! DOUBEL FOOEY!

      My dad is very happy that I am goieng to a super bowl party at Sam’s. I think he is funneleing information to Sam about me so that Sam will be abel to convince me to marry him and move to England. I read that the queen is running out of money, so what is to become of England w/o a royal family with money? I will stay here, thank you very much, b/c all of my freinds are here, and I love my dentist, Dr. Vine.

      Dad is swinging by my apartement tomorrow to install my upgraded WIRELESS ROOTER. The cable company told me mine was busted so they FEDEXED a new one. I will NOT install it myself, so he said it is easy and he will do it. He told me any idiot could do it, but he would do it for me. Thanks alot, but I do NOT do electric work in my apartment, nor do I fix the plumming either. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      Fred texted again. I should send him back some USED Kitty Litter and tell him what to do with it. He was to interested in Lynn back then and now he has NOTHING b/c I demand that if a guy is dateing me, he should not be stareing at anyone else’s boobie’s. FOOEY on Feed Store manager’s.

      I have to run off to court; I am takeing Mason and am meeting Roberta. I will have the two of them meet, but Mason is NOT goeing to speak up in court on these cases b/c most are from Roberta and I do NOT want to have her hear Mason mess up in front of her. Beside’s, it is warmer today, so I am weareing a very nice little black skirt and white silk blouse from Ralph Lauren. I know the Judge will like it. I also have my fireengine RED lipstick on, JUST FOR THE JUDGE! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

    • NOLA

      Agree about both! The fit seems like it would totally depend on body shape. And not mine.

      I get in at 7:30 Central and, on Fridays, I always have a meeting at 9. That means I often miss the morning thread before I had into meetings all morning. Things are much quieter earlier!

      On another note, it took me 40 minutes to make my normally 10 minute commute this morning. SO made me late wanting to videochat, then I got behind a garbage truck on a street with very few cross streets (and most are dead ends). I just decided to sit there and clean up old texts and listen to ESPN radio.

  2. Mortgage shopping

    My husband and I are ready to look into mortgages and getting pre-approved, yay! We are only going to be able to do 10% down, so we are interested in a piggyback (80/10/10 loan). We have a relatively high HHI for the amount of house we want to buy, so we’re optimistic about getting decent rates (we also have great credit).

    So, how do we do this? Spend tmrw morning calling different lenders and asking about options? I gather from the Internet that credit pulls for mortgages w/in 30 days of eachother won’t ding our credit? And that thos shopping is different than pre- approval?

    We’re in the dc area, so if anyone has local recs they’d be much appreciated!

    • Property Q

      I’d start with bankrate dot com to get a sense of what market is for your area. Also, pentagon fed credit union used to have good deals.

    • Bewitched

      I’d look for a mortgage broker-they process all your paperwork and work with a ton of different lenders, so they can steer you towards the one with the lowest rates. Basically, I did not even have to think about my mortgage b/c they did everything for us!

      • Anon

        Agreed. If you’re in the Chicago area, I recommend Pat Harris with Pacorp Mortgage.

      • purplepear99

        Ditto. Mortgage brokers have access to multiple lenders and are able access rates at multiple lenders. Get a good recommendation from a friend, if posisble. I’d caution against “rate chasing” though. When looking to buy your main concern is closing. The lender with the best rate may not always be able to perform in a purchase situation. You can generally refi within 120 days of closing to secure a better rate.

      • hoola hoopa

        +1 for mortgage brokers. We’ve flown solo and used mortgage brokers.

        Although they all essentially have access to the same loans, I find (through using three brokers) that they are not all the same. Pick someone who you feel you can trust and who listens to what you want.

    • Sparrow

      If you are building a new house, the builder may have a relationship with a mortgage company where you can get a good deal. That is what we did with our new house and the companies have some deal where most of the closing costs are covered.

      You may also want to check with a realtor to see if they have any reccomendations on companies they have worked with in the past.

    • mascot

      We did something like this, but put 15% down. We have a conforming loan (not DC area so you may have a higher limit), then a home equity line for the balance. We worked with a local credit union and they found the bank for the HELOC. There’s no PMI and we got good interest rates for both loans. In our case, the online calculators couldn’t calculate structuring a loan this way, so we had to shop around to a few different local/regional banks.

    • snowy

      We found a mortgage broker through AAA – they had a homebuying course, and the broker gave us a certificate for a free pre-approval. He worked for one of those big online mortgage companies- which freaked me out at first, but my in-laws used a local credit union and their mortgage ended up getting sold to WaMu anyway. Ours also got sold within days of us buying the house, to some other big mortgage company.

    • Senior Attorney

      Ask around, too. I’ve found my last several lenders (serial refinancer here) by just asking my colleagues who they’re using and what their rates are.

      (As I type this, it occurs to me that I’m in So Cal and talking about mortgage rates and real estate is as natural as breathing, but YMMV depending on the culture where you are. Maybe there are places where people don’t talk about their mortgage rates over lunch every day…)

      • Senior Attorney

        Okay, can’t resist a story:

        One day about 25 years ago, I was at lunch with some fellow BigLaw associates and a summer associate or two. We were in a real estate boom and the conversation on the topic was lively. Finally the summer associate, who was from the Midwest, asked, “Do people in Southern California ever talk about anything other than real estate?”

        We all stopped, looked at each other, and replied in unison, “No!”

        • PHX

          I’m LA born and raised, and this is SO TRUE. (My husband and I have now passed the obsession to our 5 year old who is very interested in Open Houses, lol.)

          • Senior Attorney

            LOL! Another story:

            I used to have a trainer who came to the house, and one of the things we’d do from time to time was take a race-walk-paced “Power Walk” through the neighborhood. And of course we always looked at all the houses and peeked in the windows as much as we could, and commented on the landscaping, and so on.

            One day Trainer Dave came to the house and reported that he had taken his newest client, who had recently relocated from (you guessed it) the Midwest, on a Power Walk in her neighborhood, but, he reported in a puzzled and slightly injured tone, he couldn’t get her at all interested in commenting on the houses!

    • anon a mouse

      John Peterman at George Mason Mortgage. Depending on where you are in the process, he can either do a hard pull on your credit or just run your numbers more as a ballpark and give you estimates and a sense of what your best options might be. We’ve used him 3x now – he’s great and there were never any hiccups.

    • OHCFO

      Second/Third/One-Hundredth the recommendation to work with a broker. I’ve worked with Paul Harsanyi twice over the years and he was great. Presented a lot of options and really understood where we were in our lives. He’s currently at Eagle Bank in Potomoac. But he’s done work with us remotely before.
      Paul Harsanyi
      Senior Mortgage Banker
      12505 Park Potomac Avenue, Suite 510
      Potomac, MD 20854
      Direct: (301) 325-9095

      If you give one of the online sites your contact info, you will be inundated with unsolicited calls for months.

  3. HSAL

    Spinning off of Susedna’s comment on layering a shirt underneath the dress, how many of you have figured that out? I only have a few dresses that it would even be an option for, but I’ve never been able to make it work. The shirts ride up and it just never looks right. Any tips?

    • LilyB

      you could tuck your shirt into your tights/spanx/underwear or you could get a bodysuit. I think it might look best with silky button down as opposed to a stiffer cotton one because it would lie flatter against your body and wouldn’t create ridges.

    • Anon

      Victoria’s Secret makes collared shirts with a leotard bottom that’s supposed to prevent them from riding up. I’m unsure how I feel about that, but as a tall person who has trouble keeping her shirt tucked in, I have considered it.

      • SMSS

        Just as a warning, if your tallness comes from a long torso (like me), the VS bodysuits are basically a torture device :(

        • KS IT Chick

          I kind of created a work around.

          I took a piece of elastic the same width as the crotch of the bodysuit and put snaps in at each end, so that they lined up with the snaps on each end of the bodysuit.

          I have 3 or 4 of them that I made, and they can be mixed and matched with the different body suits I have (not that many these days).

      • meh?

        Say one is wearing a bodysuit and nylons/tights: how, exactly, do you go to the bathroom without practically getting undressed?

    • AMB

      I read a tip a few years ago to put a snug-ish camisole over your button up, and then layer on top of that. It seems to keep it in place and also reduces the bumps from the buttons.

    • AN

      After seeing Julia Roberts’ dress at a recent awards show, I’d never do that.
      Ymmv.

    • AIMS

      I do the shirt under dress thing on a regular basis. Silky shirts look best (also no risk of a school uniform look), I don’t generally have a problem with the shirts riding up, but you could always tuck into your tights/underwear, and the only thing to figure out is the collar situation – not all necklines work well together. Boatneck dresses look nice with most shirt collars; V-necks can be a bit tougher and I don’t like the look with very round scoop necks. Also, in my experience the shirts that look best for this are ones that are maybe just a little too small to wear alone. Maybe this is just my experience, but shirts that gape a little and would require a cami underneath/don’t quite close properly as they should, look very neat and streamlined under dresses (I just don’t button all the top buttons. This really works out if – like me – your boobs magically decided to get bigger when you turned 30. If you’re more on the small side in that department, I also really like how a shirt looks completely buttoned up to the collar with a boatneck dress – very chic (but looks terrible on me).

      • Olivia Pope

        I agree about the size of the shirt. I have several button downs that are now too small. They are inappropriate by themselves now, but look great when I wear them under sheath dresses.I also do this with sheer tops that I bought for casual wear.

      • zora

        yeah, i like to do this with silky shirts, i don’t think i could handle the crisp button front under a dress. But then, I don’t like the crisp button front style in general.

  4. BF

    I could use your thoughts this morning, ladies. I went out to dinner every night M-Th this week. This morning, my boyfriend (who travels for work during the week) asked where all I’d gone. I told him. He said, “Better get on that treadmill, girl.” I tried to laugh it off and said that the dinners hadn’t been that bad. As he walked out of the kitchen, he said over his shoulder, “Just don’t get fat” or “Well, you’d better not get fat” – one of those. I told him it was a crappy thing to say. He doesn’t understand why, and I’m having trouble articulating my feelings. I guess because what I hear him saying is that my worthiness of his love and affection is tied to my weight.

    What do you all think? Am I overreacting?

    • anon

      no, you aren’t overreacting. it’s one thing for him to make a mistake by saying something insensitive, but then to say he doesn’t understand why you’re upset is just ridiculous. don’t let him make you feel like you’re overreacting. you don’t owe “pretty” or “skinny” to anyone (except yourself, if you want to lose weight for whatever reason).

    • Sparrow

      Definitely a crappy thing to say and I don’t think you are overreacting. I think you articulated it well in that last sentence about your worthiness of his love being tied to weight.

    • TO Lawyer

      I don’t think you’re overreacting at all! I think his comment was really insensitive.

      If I were you, I would think about why exactly this bothers you (try to articulate it) in order to talk to him about it again. Even if you can’t put it into words, he should be able to understand that when he makes comments about your weight, you feel like X, even if he doesn’t understand why you feel X.

    • Anon

      You’re not overreacting. What would make him think that’s an appropriate thing to say?? I know when you travel a lot, people always joke about how all that eating out makes you gain weight, but seriously, you have to on the douchey or dumb side to say that to your gf.

    • Anne Shirley

      So he’s telling you that he loves you, as long as you aren’t fat. So if you get pregnant, gain weight due to illness/accident/life, he’s going to have a problem with that. Are you looking for someone to grow old with? Sounds like this guy might not fit the bill.

    • tesyaa

      I echo the others that you are not overreacting and that what he said is very inconsiderate. As a side rant, a lot of men who insist on their wives/GFs staying slim are not in the best shape themselves…

    • Tired Squared

      I’m going to disagree a little bit and say that the FIRST comment (the treadmill) seems like a joking comment to me, but that he crossed the line with the second comment (don’t get fat). Everyone is different, but my SO and I often joke with each other about making sure to hit the gym after a weekend of pizza/hot wings/beer. But when you start almost warning someone about “getting too fat” or whatever he said exactly, I think it stops being a joke and starts becoming hurtful.

          • January

            My other thought (for the future, I suppose), is that it might be more productive to say, “What do you mean by that?” or even just “Excuse me?” in response to something like “Just don’t get fat” because it puts him on notice that he said something rude.

      • Monday

        I would have been p!ssed even after the first comment, and would never say anything like it to anyone–friend, relative, or spouse. All these insidious ways we have of tying eating to penance serve to undermine the enjoyment of food and/or exacerbate the stress of having to eat differently than we wanted due to, say, work commitments or travel. And it’s not like these remarks provide any information or perspective that isn’t available everywhere, all the time. OP, you went easy on him compared to how I would have reacted.

    • Anonymous

      You aren’t overreacting at all, it’s a crummy thing to say and if he doesn’t understand that, then he’s either (1) obtuse, (2) rude/inconsiderate, or (3) so invested in you staying slim that he’s lost all sense of perspective. None of these options are good, but hopefully it’s the first, since there may be hope of educating as to why comments like those are unhelpful and very unlikely to be well received by, basically, anyone.

      Also, I would never want to be with someone long term who was overly concerned with me retaining my weight and appearance. I think married/committed folks owe it to one another to maintain certain base-level standards, but when people get older, have kids, etc., they are just not going to look like a twenty-something anymore. It would just be really sad and anxiety-provoking to be with someone who you suspect would not be okay with those inevitable changes in appearance that happen over the years. Life’s too short.

    • Anon

      No, I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. Especially if you plan to be with him long term.

      On a related note/mini-rant: I’m currently dating on OkCupid, and one of the questions is “If your partner gained weight due to something like illness or childbirth, would you think less of them as a person?” The answers are: (1) “No, my partner’s health is more important”; (2) “Yes”; and (3) “Not if they were willing to work hard and lose it.” A few guys answer #2, which is just terrible, but SO MANY MEN ANSWER #3, which is incredibly depressing to me. Especially the way the question is worded — I’m sorry, you would *think less of your partner as a person* if she gained weight from *childbirth*?????? It’s physically impossible not to do that! I’ve not written back to otherwise nice-seeming guys because of the way they answered this question. But when I tried to explain it to a male friend of mine, he thought I was overreacting. He said that most people would think #3, even if they wouldn’t admit to it or say it out loud. I can understand if the question were “would you be slightly less attracted” or something like that, but the “less of them as a person” language is just… I cannot.

      • rosie

        That is crazy. Especially since #1 isn’t “No, I’d love my partner at any weight,” it’s “No, my partner’s health is more important.” It’s not even asking that much.

      • MaggieLizer

        Totally agree with you. You also have to consider the context in which these guys are answering these questions. They’re on a dating website. To meet a partner. Filling out questions that potential partners will read. And they answer those questions in a DOOSHY way? Your guy friend’s point is totally ridiculous – if most people would think it but not say it, then why on Earth would a guy say it TO GIRLS HE WANTS TO DATE??? Thank you, DOOSHY guy, for letting me know what a huge a$$hat you are right up front like that. Appreciate you saving me the trouble.

        • Anon right now

          I’ll admit it: I answered #3. If DH gained a lot of weight because of a health issue and the issue was resolved, then yes, I would expect him to work hard and lose that weight.

          To me, this is the best part about online dating. You can find out someone’s values before you even speak to them. Better to find out the difference upfront, instead of after you’ve recovered from a health issue or had a baby together.

          • Another Anon

            +1

            I don’t think it’s fair for one partner to work on staying in shape while the other one lets themself go. I’ve seen it happen many times.

          • Anon

            Okay, I totally get that, and yeah, I too would ideally want my partner to exercise/try to lose the weight. But the part that gets to me is the “think less of them as a person” language. I would think less of someone as a person if they did something morally wrong — cheating, stealing, assault, r*pe, murder, etc. I do not put “failing to lose weight” in that category. Would you really think less of your husband *as a person* if he didn’t work hard to lose weight? Really?

    • zora

      you are NOT overreacting!! RAWR!! everyone above gave good advice, just wanted to send hugs and rawrs and encouragement for talking to him about this more.

    • Senior Attorney

      Definitely not overreacting.

      To me, the reason this is so objectionable is that it is an example of “women’s bodies as public property” or “women’s bodies as appropriate subjects for critique by other people.” Seems like one hundred percent of the men out there, or nearly so, feel that it is absolutey, completely, and utterly okay for them to be the Body Police for every woman on the planet from the Secretary of State to Beyonce to the woman who sleeps next to them at night. And, uh, no. It is not okay. At. All.

      • Monday

        I agree, and I also think this attitude rarely comes without other accompanying sexist beliefs. It just doesn’t fit in the mind of a man who truly sees women as equals.

        • Susedna

          This. That he added “just don’t get fat” as a demand/threat (because the unspoken part is; …”or I’ll dump you, not love you, etc” is a big red flag. He sounds like a hard-hearted mean person who’s uncompromising.

    • BF

      OP here. Thanks for all the input. You ladies tell it like it is. Lots to think about.

  5. Marie

    Hi all — Hoping for a little advice. After working at the same company for 11 years (he started as an intern and worked his way up to the top of his department), today is my husband’s last day at his company. He starts at a new company on Monday. Up until yesterday, he was excited and eager for the new opportunity.

    Last night, he came home upset because the old company is having trouble replacing him and he feels guilty, he’s close with his co-workers and knows he won’t see them as much anymore, etc. He said he almost wished he never took the new opportunity. I’ve switched jobs several times in my career but never felt like this. I want to say or do something to help him feel better, but don’t know what. Any suggestions?

    • tesyaa

      I’m not sure you can say anything right now to make him feel better (aside from reminding him of the reasons he’s leaving in the first place). Even people who are excited and thrilled to start a new job find the transition period stressful – new roles, new culture, etc. It often takes 6 months to settle into a new job, and it’s not like every single day is stressful, but if it were me, I’d just want my partner to be a good listener while I was acclimating to a new job.

    • Anne Shirley

      Let him be sad. It’s a sad thing, leaving coworkers and a place you’ve cared about for over a decade. It’s sad even when it’s the right exciting thing to do. Are there things you know he likes to do when feeling down (long walk, movie, read)? Suggest those over the weekend for sure, but I’d also just give him some space to feel upset.

    • baseballfan

      I just left a job after 9 years so I can sympathize. Time will help. Once he gets into the swing of things at the new gig, he’ll be able to focus more on what he enjoys about it.

      I still miss some things about my old job – the perks of travel, the great team I worked with, the cool and interesting opportunities. But I know where I am now is good for me too and objectively that I made the right choice. It just takes a little getting used to. If you stay at a job that long, it’s comfortable and tough to start over, even at a really promising new place.

      I definitely recommend making an effort to see old co-workers and keeping in touch. I just had drinks last night with someone from my old firm and it reinforced my desire to keep making that effort.

    • AMB

      I totally sympathize – I’ve been in my job just three years and the thought of switching on Monday is freaking me out a bit. It doesn’t help I just went to reconnoiter around my new cube and found it to be FULL of surplus furniture. I’ve been assured it will be gone by the end of the day but not comforting either.

    • BMBG

      I always find it helpful to remind myself that the feeling is just the phenomenon known as “graduation goggles.” In other words, no matter how much you loved/hated the place, you’re always going to be teary and perhaps regret leaving when you move on. I would remind him that he clearly took this job for a reason and that his feelings are totally normal.

    • CKB

      I think he’s going through a grieving process. Even though his new position is probably great (why else would he have taken it?) and will be great, one part of his life is ending, and that can cause grieving. Let him work through his feelings. I’m sure he’ll feel better soon, but it’s totally understandable for him to be a little sad about leaving somewhere he’s been for so long and relationships he’s invested time into.

    • ITDS

      Be prepared for culture shock. He will undoubtedly find that the new company does certain things differently. Even if the differences are small and don’t impact his work, he may find them baffling after spending his entire career at one place. Since you’ve changed jobs a few times, perhaps work in a comments along the lines of “I always find it takes a few months to get used to the new place – there are always a few things that are different for no reason”. If that’s at the back of his mind, maybe he won’t be put out when he comes across the small cultural differences. Not talking about big things here, but along the lines of discovering the new office never cleans out its fridge, parking spaces aren’t assigned, speaker phone is banned, that sort of thing. If he’s only ever experienced one way of doing things, his may think that the old-company way is the “correct” way and find it hard to adapt.

    • LizNYC

      There’s probably not much you can do, except to remind him of why he’s excited about his new job and that yes, there will be an adjustment period, but eventually, it’ll feel like old hat soon enough. When I left my last job of nearly 6 years, even though I SO thrilled to be leaving, I had several moments of “this is the biggest mistake. I know no one. It’s a complete upheaval of everything.” It’s OK for him to have these feelings. Encouraging him to keep in touch with the coworkers he feels closest to may help. And as for replacing him, remind him that he’s leaving the company in the best situation he can (because he’s tied up all the loose ends he can before his last day) and that they will manage.

    • Accountant Lady

      One of the most useful things I read on this site is this sentence:

      “Don’t mistake nostalgia for regret”

      I think that’s such an important thing to remember when making any kind of big life change that requires closing a door.

  6. Two Cents

    Fellow lawyers, how do you respond to disparaging comments about your profession? Recently went to a family party where an annoying guy kept saying mean things about lawyers such as “lawyer, liar, what is the difference?”, etc. I would have let it go if it just had been one remark but this happened several times. I’d love a comeback that is a bit cheeky/humorous but also gets the point across that lawyers are good people and do important, meaningful work for clients.

    • Anon

      To annoying guy: “hahaha did I mention I love your tie? OH NO YOU CAUGHT ME!”

    • AMB

      I have an aunt who very much disagrees with the politics of the government I work for and will often ask how I can stand to work for these people, etc. It can get REALLY frustrating considering my job is not political at all. My response is ‘I like to think I make a difference by…’ You could tell your relative that you’re not all sharks or something like that :). My mother has told me many times my aunt makes these comments at me because she was never able to have a career and is likely jealous – there may be similar underlying feelings going on in your relative’s case as well.

    • LilyB

      no advice but I’ve had this experience many times and, particularly as a newly minted lawyer, it’s really upsetting.

    • Anonymous

      no advice either, but I get it too. I’m an appellate defense attorney and so I get some doozies. I usually say, “the state and defense attorney are two sides of one coin. My job is to make sure the State does its job. Wouldn’t you want them to if it were you who was accused of something?” When people say, “you help get bad guys out of jail” I usually try to be funny and say “well, they rarely ever get out!” (because we usually lose! ha!). They don’t like that.

      It’s just so uncomfortable. I’m proud of what I do. I help people that society doesn’t care about. I spent a lot of time and money on my education. It’s frustrating to have jerks cut you down for just doing your job. I would never disparage what someone else does for a living.

      • AIMS

        I think this is just inevitable. I have a good friend who’s a prosecutor and, especially when we first graduated, when we’d go to party’s people would find out what she does and then go, “are you going to have me arrested?” or, worse, just get really quiet and awkward. Even now, she really hates going out with certain groups of friends because they all joke about her being “the man” and whatnot. You can’t win.

    • Anita

      These jokes are as old as time and deeply unfunny at this point. I’d say something like “wow, good one, never heard that before!” or just agree. “Yes, we all have the moral compass of a thieving jackal.”

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I just go with “yup, I’m the worst,” then when they attempt to backtrack (“oh no! I didn’t mean you! I just meant, I mean, uhhh…”), I agree even more enthusiastically – “No, really! I’m basically paid to just hang out and lie for fun all day! Which works out great for me, because I’m obviously a total sociopath. Hey, check out that delicious artichoke dip!”

      Basically, if someone wants to be awkward and terrible, I’m just going to make the situation as awkward and terrible as possible.

    • Anon

      I’m a lawyer. This happens to me all of the time, and it’s annoying. I usually just try to change the subject (depending on the situation/how well I know the person) because I’m not interested in getting in an argument. Sometimes the frustration adds up, though, and I’ll make a snarky comment back.

      A few weeks ago I was out with a female lawyer friend who got so tired of it that she reacted a little harshly… We were at a bar and these two guys came over to hit on us. After we told them we were lawyers, one of them started going off about how terrible lawyers were. I’m not sure why he thought that was going to win us over. My friend got mad, and tried to explain to him that disparaging someone’s profession is incredibly rude. He did not understand. So then she told him it would be like if she told him that she just hates [male body parts] so much, she thinks they’re ugly and gross, etc. Which would be rude because obviously he has a [male body part]. She then explained that of course this isn’t a great example, because she doesn’t hate [male body parts], she loves them a LOT, but after this conversation has zero interest in his, because he’s a complete [nickname for male body part that is also a man’s name]. And then she walked away. It was kind of awesome…

      • TO Lawyer

        Your friend is awesome. I was once on a date with a guy who proceeded to make bad and insulting lawyer jokes all night and then was surprised when I refused a second date…

    • Godzilla

      I get that it sucks that there are terrible stereotypes about lawyers but people have no idea what engineers do. I think people suspect I drive trains or something. RAWRS AND GRUMBLES.

    • anon

      I have an “I <3 LAWYERS" bumper sticker on my car to try to change the tides so I am doing my part.

    • anon

      When I did online dating, guys would message me just to tell me that they liked everything about me except that I was a lawyer, so sorry about my luck. Like it happened at least 10 times.

    • Susie

      Interesting, I’ve never gotten disparaging comments but have had several people comment on how it’s great that I’m a lawyer because they may need my help getting out of jail/a ticket/etc some day. Maybe I just run in weird circles…

    • tesyaa

      Almost definitely not. Knits often have a stretch seam with no seam allowance at all. Even if there is seam allowance, it’s rarely more than 1/2 inch or so, so the max it could be let out would be one inch… and I’m not even sure that’ s possible.

      • AIMS

        Agree. Don’t think it’s possible. But if you can’t return it and would like to salvage, you can make it into a top (and maybe save the bottom for non-work skirt wear).

  8. Miz Swizz

    I noticed Land’s End has their faux-wrap ponte dresses on sale for $29.99. I already have the printed red one and have both the cobalt and eggplant in my cart. I’m trying to decide whether I need to buy two. The one I have is so comfortable and it totally works in my business casual office. I’m trying really hard not to buy too many duplicate items because I find I tire of them quicker. Can anyone help me decide if three of the same dress is too many?

    • tesyaa

      I’d be tempted to buy a whole bunch of an item I loved at a good price, but I too get tired of multiples. If you’re buying for next year, you may find other items you like better in the meantime. Of course, with Lands’ End’s unlimited returns policy, you can buy them both and keep them unworn and return them a year from now if you decide you don’t want them.

  9. Wrap coats

    Are they in? Any positive/negative comments from those who have or had one?

    • LilyB

      I think they’re in and I love how they look- but as someone who is 5’4, I just don’t think they look good on shorter women. At least the ones I have tried on (I tried one on at Zara recently) don’t look good on me- it’s just too much fabric up top and the belt doesn’t hit at the right place. But I think if you could find a petite version it would look great on a shorter woman as well.

      • AIMS

        I have to say that on me (similar height) they look like a bath robe. But I love the way they look on others.

      • Wrap coats

        Thank you!
        To clarify, my question is about knee-length or shorter wrap coat. Do you feel that they also are bathrobe-y on a petite woman?

        • AIMS

          I think you just have to try a few on. So far, on me, none look like outerwear (even knee length). But you never know!

  10. SoCal Gal

    I am in the market for a pair of new dress black pants for work to wear with blazers and jackets. I like a light wool blend with stretch, no lining and medium rise. I have a pair of Lafayette 148 menswear pant but the rise seems really high. I have a long torso so I don’t like a really low rise but one that hits midway between hips and waist is good.

    What is your favorite black work pant?

    • Anonymous

      Gap premium pants in modern boot cut. The regular ones are okay too. Honestly, this seems crazy because they are almost always available on sale for a crazy good price and they are washable but they really are fabulous.

  11. Anonymous

    I have developed a couple of really flaky patches on my scalp. My hair stylist recommended an Aveda beautifying oil which helped with the itchiness, but not the flakes. She says it’s different than dandruff. I have fine, straight hair, and wash it with a T-gel type shampoo once/twice per week. Not washing my hair is not an option because of all the flakes on day 2 (although it the past I have used dry shampoo and curl it). I am thinking about making an appointment with my dermatologist, but thought I’d crowd source first. Any ideas?

    • LilyB

      could be psoriasis. if you see your dermatologist they can pinpoint it. if it’s psoriasis there are foams that help immensely.

      • jc

        +1 could be this or something called seb derm. Does it bleed at all or get yellow and pus? (Sorry to be graphic).

    • Sue

      If it isn’t dandruff then maybe you should just see a dermatologist. The only other reason I can think of for flakiness is the dryness at this time of year or a reaction to a product you use on your hair.

    • tesyaa

      I would ask a dermatologist. Seborrhea and dandruff (and cradle cap in a baby) are really all the same thing. Supposedly there’s a prescription shampoo for seborrhea, but I had a really bad case postpartum, and OTC Selsun Blue solved the problem (shampooing every day and leaving it on for a few minutes before rinsing). Since it may not be dandruff per your stylist, definitely ask a dermatologist. I find it’s hard to get appts with a dermatologist unless you have an emergency, so call now.

    • Olivia Pope

      I agree with the recommendations re: dermatologist. If you need some relief until then, I recommend doing an apple cider vinegar rinse (one tablespoon of vinegar per cup of water, massage scalp for three minutes) next time you wash. It will feel better, and the smell disappears when your hair dries.

      • Lady Harriet

        I wash my hair by gently scrubbing with a paste of baking soda and water, followed by a rinse of a 50-50 apple cider vinegar and water mix. No OTC dandruff shampoo has ever helped my awful greasy dandruff, but the baking soda clears most of it out. (It usually comes back within less than a week, but at least it’s temporarily gone.) I hate the smell of the vinegar, but it seems to help my scalp and it keeps my hair from getting too dry from the baking soda. If I rinse well the vinegar smell doesn’t linger. I use a lot of conditioner afterward.

    • pilates princess

      I’m and long time sufferer of seborrhea (which my blunt derm told me when I was 16 is just dandruff so bad you need to see a dermatologist). From what I understand the treatments for psoriasis as are the same. I’ve been to countless derms and scoured may websites, and in my experience you need at least 2 different shampoos to rotate during your washing. You should try a mix of these:

      Nizrol (if you can get relief from the non rx strength, do it),
      selenium sulfide (e.g., Selsun Blue, the rx stuf is totally gross, avoid it if you can),
      pyrithione zinc (Head & Shoulders, IHS is a stronger formulation),
      coal tar (T-gel. I also like this coal tar combo that Philip B. makes, it doesn’t have a strong smell),
      urea (can’t think of the brand names),
      salicylic acid (Neutragena makes one).
      [Aside, if you are pregnant you are greatly limited by what has been deemed safe.]

      If you are an every day washer, you might only need to use medicated shampoos 3x a week. II have noticed that blow drying my hair helps. Putting in up wet, which I normally do, makes it awful.

      Also, if the patches really thick, like so thick that you aren’t able to get down to your scalp with the meds, you can consider doing an oil treatment on you scalp (I’ve used baby oil before). It’s messy and kind of disgusting, but it will get the scales off. And you’ll have to wash it out a few times.

      Lastly, someone mentioned the rx foam. It’s the topical steroid clobetesol. It’s a miracle, but it can have terrible side effects if over used. And it’s not tested to be safe for pregnancy (I actually think it caused birth defects in animals). I would only start the rx as a last resort. But if you do go that route, you said your hair is fine and thin, so maybe the foam will work for you, but my hair is very thick an I need the liquid solution. The liquid solution comes in generic and last time I checked, the foam did not, so it’s win-win really.

      Okay, really lastly, while I don’t suggest scratching until you bleed (nothing good comes of that), sloughing over the patches with your finger tips or a paddle brush before you shampoo is helpful.

      • pilates princess

        Also, don’t trust your stylist to diagnosis this for you. I’m not saying rush to a derm, by any means. But I’ve had some stylists espouse crazy crap about my seborrhea over the years. (One told me that I must have “caught it from someone.” Because he “caught it from his aunt, when [he] borrowed her hair brush.” But I didn’t need to worry, because he own this Bumble and Bumble Salon and they just began carrying this new three piece set that would solve all my problems….)

        Oh, but I will add tea tree to the list above, either Paul Mitchell’s or the Body Shop’s. It doesn’t work for me, unless my scalp is already hopped up on steroids, but it might work for you. And Lush makes a solid shampoo that smells like burning fire and appears to have hay in it, I’ve had decent luck with that too. If you are looking for some natural options.

      • LilyB

        out of curiosity, what are the side effects? and what constitutes overuse? I generally will use it once a day for a week or so until it clears, then stop using it until it gets bad again.

        • jc

          Same, I usually use it 3x a week and I’ve never had any side effects. My doctor actually recommends I use it all the time, even when there are no symptoms.

        • pilates princess

          The package insert says no more than 2 weeks continuous. And the side effects involve irreversible degradation of the skin cells on your head. That said, I had probably used it for 7 years continuously, with no warning from my derm, when my PCP refill my rx and had to look in the PDR. He freaked out with the warning.

          My father was prescribed the foam a few years ago, and his doctor (a derm) told him to limit use to 2 weeks.

          I have continued to use it quite often, at times 2x daily for over two weeks, and I have never had any side effects. Also, I used in early in the first trimester of my first pregnancy with out thinking, also no negative effects.

          I suspect, without have any research to back this up, that my use of high doses of both shampoo meds and the steroids have lessened the effect of these drugs for me. Which is why I would suggest OTC remedies before turning to the big guns.

          • pilates princess

            I should say, I’m in my early 30s, and in total I’ve used clobetesol for over 20 years. Most of that time I probably over used, as compared to the package insert.

      • hoola hoopa

        Great info, thanks!

        IME, I’ve had to rotate products. I’m currently using Mushatts psoriasis scalp cream (salicylic acid plus moisturizers – I’m a big fan!) before shower, then first wash with Selsun Blue (letting it sit on my scalp while I body wash), then a gentle shampoo and conditioner. I had been adding tea tree oil to the final wash, but it stopped seeming effective after a while. I also think it’s time for me to switch from Selsun Blue to T-Gel.

        I comb my scalp in the shower, too. It seems to help remove built up flakes, get the products onto my scalp, and I’ve read it helps circulation which is good.

        Agree 100% about blow drying hair. I had to quit the curly girl method and go to hair dryer + straightener.

    • Anonymous

      I read a recommendation from a dermatologist to let T-gel soak for half an hour before rinsing. Maybe that would help.

    • C, Esq.

      It could just be an allergic reaction to your shampoo or other hair products. I can’t use most of Aveda’s shampoos or conditioners because I am allergic to something in them and get crazy itchy and flaky.

    • Chirunner

      I had the same problem, also have to wash my hair every day, and used dandruff shampoos or T-gel type shampoos but they never worked and sometimes made itching worse (plus T-gel smells horrible!) decided to take the plunge and splurge on Moroccanoil shampoo a few years ago and it’s done wonders. I use one pump of the oil too after towel drying my hair which cuts down on blow-dry time. I still cringe at spending $24 on shampoo, but you only need to use little bit and it’s so worth it!

  12. Intelligent romance?

    Any recommendations for good reads in romance/love/relationships where the characters are not too stereotypical i.e. the guy is super perfect while the woman is falling over herself…etc trying to catch his attention? Contemporary romance preferably but would also consider historical if it’s really good. Thanks!

      • CKB

        +1 – my favorite author. I reread her books regularly because I love them, but I also catch things I didn’t notice the first time around.

        • Lady Harriet

          +2 Her books are so much fun. My favorite is The Reluctant Widow, but she has tons of great ones. She also has a handful of books set in other eras, including some historical fiction and mysteries.

          If you like romance to be a plot element but not the whole plot then I highly recommend Dorothy Sayers’ Lord Peter Wimsey mysteries (from which I took my username here.) The romance doesn’t start until about halfway through the series, but it’s very well-written from both characters’ perspectives. I think Brandon Sanderson handles this very well in his fantasy novels as well.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I like Emily Giffin for this kind of thing. Also Stacy Ballis, who tends to write more “here’s a story about a super-cool lady, oh, and I guess she has a boyfriend, or something, he’s fine, but seriously, this lady? She’s cool”-type books.

    • Monday

      The Fault In Our Stars is about two teenage cancer patients who are both pretty smart and worldly-wise. I will warn that it’s a rough read if you’ve lost anyone to cancer, though that’s also its strength: it’s very true to the experience.

    • Samantha

      Someone here recommended the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon and the first book will fit your criteria (the guy is still semi-perfect, but the woman who is also the protagonist is smart and skilled and not a damsel in distress). I liked the first book immensely, less so for the subsequent ones.

      • RR

        Not to start a debate, but just to offer an alternative POV. I recently read this and hated it. There’s a scene where the hero beats the heroine, and the book is rampantly homophobic. I know a lot of smart women whose opinions I respect love this book, but it’s not a light, fun romance.

    • Pink

      A discovery of witches. Not really “romance” but rather historical fiction with a romantic element in it .

      • Gail the Goldfish

        That reminded me to check if there’s a release date for the third book in the trilogy yet–it’s coming out in July!

    • Katherine

      Anything by Jennifer Crusie! Bet Me and Welcome to Temptation are standouts.

      • Anonymous

        Ditto to Jennifer Crusie (my fave is “Bet Me”) and Hester Browne’s Little Lady series.

    • Miss Behaved

      The Last Letter from Your Lover, JoJo Moyes
      Eleanor and Park, Rainbow Rowell
      Rules of Civility, Amor Towles
      One Hundred Summers, Beatriz Williams

    • Mpls

      Check out the website Smart B!tches, Trashy Books for good romance recommendations (and what to stay away from)

      In the historical department, I highly recommend anything by Sherry Thomas and Courtney Milan.

    • Lynnet

      I really love Sharon Shinn’s fantasy romances (the Twelve Houses books are my favorite). The characters are definitely not stereotypical.

    • RR

      Neanderthal Seeks Human by Penny Reid. This was seriously the best romance I’ve read in years.

    • Lobbyist

      I just finished the Rosie Project and it was darling. Also Me Before You by Jojo Moyes

    • M

      I love the Chicagoland Vampire books (yes, they are about vampires) because the main character is awesome and not a weak idiot. I work for the same company as the author in her “day job” and she happens to be an incredibly successful women, which is just an added bonus.

  13. When to have kids

    From reading thissite, the consensus seems to be there is no “good time” to have kiddos. You’re never ready. Etc.

    However, I tend to feel that younger is better if you can swing it. DH and I are both established in our careers, we purchased a home last summer, and this fall we will have been married three years (with five years of dating prior to that). I’m 28 and he’s 32.

    My “plan” was always to start TTC this fall, but DH has continued to push back saying he’s not ready. He has seen his brother have two kiddos and learned that your life in fact changes irrevocably – and not always for the better ! (see: screaming kiddos, no sleeping in, no running off to do whatever you want, etc)

    Curious what the hive thinks. Should I just accept his position and not try to argue? Or try to argue that it really is never a great time, kids will always be a huge life change and being older/richer doesn’t make it any easier?

    I’m inclined to argue these points with him, but I also know that if the man says No, not ready! He means it and it is best to take him at his word. FWIW he emphatically agrees he wants kids, just “not yet”.

    • Property Q

      No one thinks that the clock will run out on them or that they will have problems, but that happens. Medicine can offset some of them, but not all. Time is a luxury that you have and I’d encourage your husband to see it as that, not as something to waste.

      I didn’t even get married until I was much older than you. I was darn lucky to get pregnant right away. I had complications and lost the baby. Tomorrow gives you worse odds than today. Not just for getting pregnant, but for genetic complications for your child. And any of that child’s later-born siblings. My understanding is that not only are eggs aging (and breaking down a lot once you are 35 and especially once you are over 40), but the contribution of an older guy may decline based on his age, too.

      Also: if you are going to encounter problems, you will have the luxury of time to work on them, learn things, and try things.

      Ideally, you’d have the yield of babies you’d like to have when you’d like to have them. Life doesn’t work like that though, but time helps you mitigate the heartache if it is to come your way.

      Good luck!

      • Senior Attorney

        I’m looking at this from the other side. I had my son at 27 and now, at 55, I’m sitting pretty with him up and out. Being older/richer with your kid(s) already grown is pretty awesome. Also, you just plain have more energy when you’re younger. I look at my friends who still have kids in middle school and I just wonder how they do it.

        I’ve made a ton of bad decisions in my life, but having my son relatively early was one of the good decisions.

        • anon2

          I’m with you Senior Attorney. I’m 53 and had DD at 26. And it is awesome to have the energy for a child when you are young and the resources to enjoy your middle years the way you want.

          Another reason to consider parenthood while you are younger is the issue of elder parents. My mom was 35 when I was born and I am now in the throes of elder parent caregiving for her (and MIL/FIL elder issues are starting as well). If I had kids at home right now and had to deal with the elder parent thing at the same time, life would be even crazier than it is right now. A situation I really don’t even want to think about.

          • Sarabeth

            And, not to think too far ahead, to be able to have a relationship with your grandkids. I was born when my mom was 38 (major infertility issues) and I had my first kid at 32. I love watching my parents with my daughter, but it makes me very sad that they will probably not have all that many active years to spend with her.

          • Senior Attorney

            Sarabeth, I was feeling all smug about the grandkids thing, too. Except now my son is 27 with no sign of marriage or kids in sight. So I guess I’m gonna take a hit on that one on the back end! LOL

            I’m sorry your parents won’t have a ton of time with your daughter. But you never know. My mom was also 35 when I was born and she’s still going reasonably strong at 90 and has always had an incredibly great relationship with my son.

        • Another anon

          I also had my kids in my mid-to-late 20s and now I’m a grandmother who can still enjoy doing physically active things with my grandkids. Highly recommend!

    • mascot

      Can he articulate why he’s not ready? Does he want to take one last world tour? Does he have a heavy year of work travel ahead of him or want to save x amount of money? No, you are never really ready. But, even if you get pregnant the first time you try, you still have 9 months to get ready for the change. Evwen after the baby comes, there is plenty of time to get used to it. It’s not like a baby will get dropped off on Monday morning and you have to figure out childcare, potty-training, pick a kindergarten and start driving lessons all within the first week

    • roses

      I think you need to talk about why he doesn’t feel ready and you do. If his answer is “I like my life and I’m not ready to change yet” – I think there’s not much you can do except to explain your side (i.e., biological clock, how it’s easier physically/you’ll have more energy for kids now) and see what he says. But if it’s more fear that you two aren’t mature enough, financially set enough, etc., to be parents, I think those are points you can talk through together.

      • Carine

        Love, love, love this. I want to send it to everyone I know! Thanks for the link.

      • zora

        yay, i’m glad it’s helpful and not just a pain for me to post it Yet Again. ;o)

        But I found this hit me like a ton of bricks when I read it, because I am in my 30s and, not even about having kids, I just had a really bad habit of putting off decisions about anything, because I was worried about keeping my options open. But sometimes ‘keeping your options open’ is actually keeping you FROM doing some great things! It’s hard to get older sometimes!! ;o)

      • 15 Weeks Pregnant

        Thanks for posting this. Last time you posted it, I read it, totally oblivious to the fact that I was pregnant. When I found out about this totally unexpected joy a few weeks later, this article came right to mind. Love it.

        • zora

          Aww!! I’m so glad to hear that! and YAY CONGRATS!! :o) I send you wishes for all good things

    • Anonymous

      I’m finding myself in this situation as well. I think that part of the reason my husband is hesitant is that we don’t have many friends with children yet and he thinks we’ll be left out. I understand this and share this concern, but most of our friends aren’t even dating anyone seriously at this point and are legitimately years away from having children. If we waited for them to meet someone, get married, and have children, who knows when that would happen! And who knows if we’d have problems conceiving!

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I agree with the others – it’s fine for a partner to say “yes, but not yet” to kids, but they need to articulate when “yet” will be.

      I’m the “yes, but not yet” partner in my relationship, and the “yet” is (1) see Europe (happening this fall); (2) buy a home/condo/permanent place to live (probably this time next year); and (3) pay off my student loans (2ish years away, give or take a bonus). We’ve also agreed to an “even if ‘yet’ hasn’t happened yet, we’ll start trying anyway” date, so I don’t “not yet” us into oblivion.

      • OP

        This is a good point. The Europe trip was a point for us as well – so we’re doing it this summer! I think trying to get him to articulate further will help, because tbh we already do live a life quite suited to children – a large house in the suburbs, mostly 9-5 hours with only moderate travel, and financially secure.

        As far as I can tell the “yet” for him is just (1) “more time alone”. Like he wants to bank up years of sleeping in, going off for ski weekends when he feels like it, and extending work trips in exotic locales. I am glad he’s at least honest, and understands that when kids come he needs to be more selfless.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          TBH, I’d want to have a longer conversation about that with him. How much time alone is “enough”? 647 lazy Sundays? 47 ski trips? 10 extended work trips? Obviously putting a number on that is somewhat silly, but at the same time, I could see this dragging out into “nope, not yet, still need more alone time…” until infinity.

          You don’t need a timeline right this second, but it wouldn’t hurt for him to start thinking about it, especially since you yourself are already “ready.”

        • Property Q

          YMMV depending on the child/ren that you ultimately have. My (working) friends find that our day care children are perfectly happy to have lazy weekend days at home, especially if it is cold or raining. Maybe pancake restaurant and an afternoon activity? But they can be happy just snuggling.

          Also, if you look on the site bobgear dot com, you can see how there is awesome gear to incorporate small ones into your world. If your friends don’t have children, there can be massive fear of the unknown and you remember the nightmares you see (the people on the Metro using tissues and dropping them on the floor — ugh — and that was just the parents). But like all things, it can be done and it can be done awesomely.

          • Lady Harriet

            +1 After my brother and I were babies we never wanted to wake up early in the morning. We actually wanted to sleep in much more than our parents did, so that wasn’t usually a problem. Not every kid is a morning person. It’s also possible to travel with kids, especially once they get a little bigger. My family went to Europe when I was 7 and my brother was 4 and it was amazing. Most of my friends growing up went on ski trips with their families. My family has pictures of us going hiking when I was 3 and my brother was about 10 months old (riding in a baby backpack). Your life will change after you have kids, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to give up everything fun.

    • Mpls

      How old are his brother’s kids? What exposure does you DH have with other kids – like has he been around kids at different stages of development, or are his nieces/nephews basically his only regular exposure?

      Because the other things to understand is that every kid is different and his experience won’t be exactly the same as his brother’s experience. And kids have different needs and expectations at different ages, so it’s not like it’s going to be the same story for the next 18 years – there will be a period of infant and toddler, and then school age (elem/MS/HS) and everyone one of those is going to be different.

      • OP

        This is something I’m trying to convince him of. Our nephew is insanely high-energy, as is his brother. DH and I were both very quiet, studious children, so I suspect (and hope!) ours will be too, and content to enjoy lazy saturdays eating pancakes, reading books on the couch, and building Lego fortresses by themselves, which allow for some of the same relaxation DH currently enjoys having a latte and reading the WSJ on the couch.

        Nephew does none of those things. He is 3 and requires essentially full time undivided attention when he is at home – something like making dinner by yourself while he does a puzzle is not an option. So, DH sees that latte and WSJ disappearing forever.

        • Anon in NYC

          To your DH’s concern, a newborn does pretty much nothing but eat and sleep and doesn’t really move much until the 5-month mark (on the very early side), so there is still time to “ease in” to stuff like that. Your DH may find that by the time your kid is moving around and playing on the weekends that he actually will WANT to play legos. Or your kid may be the kind who is happy to play by him/herself. I’m sure there are a lot of books out there about training kids to play independently.

        • zora

          Yeah, and even if you have an energetic kid, that still doesn’t mean ‘Forever’!!! It’s only for a few years, and then they are highschoolers, who LOVE to sleep in on the weekends. ;o)

      • Anon in NYC

        I agree with this. My husband’s brother and cousin have two kids apiece, and both kids are the same age (max 4 weeks apart). It has been so interesting to have a direct comparison to both 1) different parenting styles, and 2) the differences between the kids. And now that my friends are starting to have kids, it’s interesting to compare all of the children across the board. Some kids are so easygoing, others are less so (and the same can be said of the parents).

    • Diana Barry

      Do it now! :)

      Maybe he should be taking more time off of work now? YMMV – you may have time to travel etc etc while not TTC and then when you go to TTC, it takes longer than you thought because you waited too long. This happened to a couple of my friends.

    • lucy stone

      I think I am your DH in this regard. I’m 30, my husband is 36. I’ve been saying for two years that I’d be ready to start trying in six months. We started trying and I still feel pretty ambivalent about the whole thing.

  14. annoness

    Welp, it looks like someone tried to open up a credit card in my name. I spent a good amount of time yesterday calling the credit bureaus, filing a police report, affadivit, etc… very frustrating.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Ugh that sucks! Thankfully you caught it right away. Have you been able to find out if there is any other fraudulent activity on your reports? Good luck getting through the process!

      • annoness

        Well, not on MY report, but now I just got a call that my HUSBAND has had an account opened in his name! This is ridiculous!!!

        • Sydney Bristow

          Oh my god that’s awful! Is it possible it’s someone you know or someone in your area who might have had access to your mail or trash/recycling? I’ve never had someone try to open an account in my name but my credit card number has been stolen 3 times and that is bad enough. Stay on top of it and hopefully the process will work smoothly for you.

          • annoness

            Totally possible, we both get a lot of credit card applications. The kicker is that just a few months ago, someone stole my credit card number and used it … then Target’s breach … this year has not been a good year. Maybe I should switch to cash!

          • Miss Behaved

            This is how it happened to me. I used to toss my trash in the barrel in the mail room in my apartment building. Someone used my info to open store credit cards at a nearby mall. They ran up the max on every single card.

          • Sydney Bristow

            Try doing optoutprescreen dot com to cut down on the pre approved offers. It doesn’t get rid of them all but does decrease them. Shred everything if you don’t already. You can also look into doing a credit freeze with each of the credit bureaus. You can still use your existing credit cards and stuff as usual but can’t open any new credit lines (or sign up for a new cell phone/cable/etc contract) without “thawing” your report. I think it’s supposed to be free to do if you’re a victim of identity theft. I haven’t done this yet myself, but I’ve been considering it.

            I’m pretty sure my 3rd stolen number was from Target too but I noticed the charges before that story broke.

  15. Anonymous

    I had a pretty rough day yesterday. I’m 6 months into a new job that’s very niche and totally different than my old job so I have a very steep learning curse. Yesterday my boss started telling me why I did so and so wrong and he was talking to me like I’m an idiot (I think it was the tone). Whatever, I screwed up, I fixed it, let’s move on. I got home and wasn’t in the cheeriest of moods. My husband asked what was wrong and I told him. He had no sympathy and said “that’s how guys work, get over it or find a new job where you don’t have to work with men”. I said “yeah, because that’s a viable option” and didn’t talk to him for the rest of the night. I went to bed shortly there after (it was late when I got home). Thanks for the support after a rough day husband. This led to me totally overreacting and thinking, why the heck do I have you around anyway? It would be nicer to come home to no one then someone that’s going to say snarky things like that. Maybe I should just move out. Which was met with more negative thoughts….he drinks and plays video games all weekend…what’s the point of this relationship….can I have kids with someone like this? If I can’t have kids with someone I might as well leave since I just turned 30 and I want kids. The negative talk continues until I fall asleep.

    Anyway, can anyone relate? I need to figure out how to get out of these negative thought spirals.

    • Sue

      Take a deep breath. Sorry about yesterday it happens. When you are calmer talk to your husband about what he said and how it made you feel. I think anyone in a new role feels like they are struggling at some point. Express your need for support. As for the drinking and playing video games all weekend, I think I’d be ticked off too. Staying in all day is good sometimes but I’m the sort of person that also likes to get out. I think if I were in your shoes I would try suggesting other activities that you can do as a couple.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks. I get so sick of being stuck in the house. Even if he plays video games all day, I’ll go run errands, go to the gym, etc. I’ll come back 4 hours later and he’ll be in the same position. It’s frustrating but I can’t police how he spends all his time. If I’m out doing things I want to do I don’t know why I care so much.

    • jc

      I get myself into these negative spirals all the time when I’m upset with my SO. They are really hard to pull out of, but I think it’s good that you didn’t lash out at him with a rant (I do this sometimes, never turns out well). I try to remind myself of all the good things about our relationship and why I love him and chose to be with him. This usually helps play down some of the bad, annoying things that get to me. Just remember that you aren’t thinking clearly because you’re upset, and maybe try to revisit those thoughts when you have a clearer head and can address them properly. If they are still an issue, try to talk it out with him.

      Feel better! We all have bad days.

      • Anonymous

        I do the ranting too and luckily I was able to convince myself last night to rant in my head only. But I get myself so worked up that by the end of my in the head rant I’m convinced it’s time to divorce and move one, which isn’t how I really feel when I’m level emotionally.

        • jc

          Are we twins? I do this all the time, but after some time passes, I realize that I was exaggerate a lot of things. BUT, I do usually take this to mean that something is off and I try to talk it out with my SO if I can do so rationally. I often time write down my thoughts so that I get them out and then I try to talk to him about my feelings, rather than accusing him. Doesn’t always go as planned because I get worked up again, but might be worth a try! Also, I find that therapy helps for this kind of black and white thinking.

          • Anonymous

            Search “it’s not about the nail video” on Google. Pretty much sums it up. Men just need to freaking listen sometimes and not try to fix.

          • Anonymous

            I think we really might be twins. When I do try and talk about it immediately while I’m still worked up I end up getting fuming pissed, crying and generally exhausting myself and nothing gets accomplished except for me going into work the next day looking like I cried all night. Gahhhh!!!!

            It’s just so frustrating to not be able to get through to a person. Sometimes I make it worse by throwing in the nasties – – “I’m not going to deal with this anymore, I’m done”, etc.

          • jc

            We really are twins. I do that ALL THE TIME. And then I feel guilty, and it starts the cycle over because I’m mad that I have to feel guilty. I really do want to get it under control! Easier said than done.

            And always with the crying. I’m a water works.

    • A

      This happened to me last night too. Details are different, but basically I question why I’m in this (and I’m not married, also 30 and questioning whether I can have children with a person who doesn’t acknowledge that he’s hurt me with tone/statements and doesn’t try to see where I’m coming from because according to him “it’s all [my] head and the way [I] perceive his objective statements.”

      Yup. I’m wondering if this guy has the capacity to love me for the rest of my life or if I should JSFAMO.

  16. Bonnie

    I wish people would think before complaining. I just got a nasty email from someone complaining that they did not receive a document. I couldn’t keep myself from forwarding them the email I sent them a week ago with the document.

    • Anonymous

      Search “it’s not about the nail video” on Google. Pretty much sums it up. Men just need to freaking listen sometimes and not try to fix.

    • Sydney Bristow

      That’s what I do whenever someone says they didn’t receive something I was supposed to send. If its in response to a nasty email, hopefully it makes them think about their attitude. Most of the time I get curious follow up emails from people who fully realize that they don’t keep good track of their emails.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      I HATE this. Sending the original e-mail usually works. I wouldn’t have been able to resist, either.

    • Back Home

      When someone asks for a document/information I have already emailed them, I generally forward them the original email with a note like “In case your spam folder caught this the first time…” or “Resending in case you didn’t receive this the first time”.

    • NOLA

      I had a (female) colleague do that this week. She sent what I thought was a fairly snotty email to a group of us and said “This document was NOT distributed prior to the meeting or since. I had to get it from someone else and here it is.” I wrote back and said, yes, it was distributed as part of the meeting agenda (we were discussing the doc at the meeting!) and it was part of the detailed notes I sent after the meeting. My boss’s assistant confirmed that it was sent as part of the agenda (which I did not send out). Why do people do this? And, of course, she never responded to everyone saying sorry, I was mistaken.

    • LizNYC

      My old boss used to do this to me all.the.time. in the snarkiest of tones. When it would be the fifth time in a month, I got no greater pleasure than resending the original from my sent folder, with “Yes, I did, on XX date two weeks ago as requested.”

    • NbyNW

      Im a pretty nice person but i totally do this. If I have email proof that I did previously sent/complete/manage something that someone said I didn’t, I forward the email and say “Is this what you’re looking for? See below.” I keep all emails for that reason.

    • gov anon

      That’s what I do. If it was a glitch on their end, people usually realize that you weren’t being negligent. And if they were just being jerky, it sometimes gets them to stop and think.

  17. applying for mba

    TJ- ‘rette MBAs!

    How is CMU’s Tepper School of Business viewed, particularly in the NYC market?

    I’m considering the school for an MBA, and realized that I’m pretty biased because I know a lot of Pittsburgh folk. I appreciate any thoughts!

    • MJ

      I believe Tepper is well-regarded, definitely thought of more as a “quant” school. It’s a tier below, say, HBS or Stanford, but definitely right up there. I would do an aggregation of rankings to figure out overall–USNews, WSJ, Economist. There are good resources on businessweek.com’s message boards, accepted.com, etc. for you to check into.

      NYC is a tough market, always, because there are folks from a lot of schools who are targeting it–Stern, Columbia, Boston schools, UVA, etc….

      If you’ve been accepted to Tepper, I would not hesitate to ask for the opportunity to speak with their career development center (or whatever it’s called there) to find out about alumni/placement in the industry/firms you are targeting in NYC. This would not be an odd request at all.

      Good luck!

  18. anon for this

    Looking for some advice from the hive on how to best support my SO during a tough time. He graduated from law school with me, set on getting a job in the public service (ideally an ADA position in the city in which we are based). He ended up getting a position very late in 3L year which was a one-year placement in a government office (so, good for his resume, but with a time limit). He got pretty far in the ADA selection process last year but didn’t luck out. He’s now sending out bunches of applications but nothing is sticking. I’m trying to be encouraging, but I can tell his unfailing positive demeanor is starting to falter and he’s feeling like he’s running out of options in our city.

    What can I do? I’ve been helping him with apps and trying to be helpful as far as I can with networking, but I also don’t want to make things worse by harping on it. Also, it’s sort of unspoken that if it wasn’t for our relationship, he’d probably be looking in other cities as well (he is not resentful about this because it is his choice, but it makes me feel somewhat guilty that I’m the reason he doesn’t have more options. FWIW I’m a first year associate at a non-biglaw firm position which I love. I would be willing to move for him in a few years but would like to establish myself and position myself better to go in-house down the road first). The complicating factor is that I’m starting to feel concerned for him, as well as for us (we are talking about getting engaged this year, and are discussing moving in together soon, but I want to feel we are on a financially stable path before we take those steps). Advice? Encouragement?

    • Wildkitten

      It took me a year after graduation to find a job. I ended up hiring a career counselor who was very helpful, so I had someone to talk to and review cover letters with who was not my friend, and I could depend on my friends to just be my friends. That might be worth looking into for him too.

    • Emmabean

      Looking for a job is never successful until it is. It’s not like there are minor victories along the way. Hopefully you can find a way to help him remember this.

      Also, try not to worry yourself. He WILL find a job, and when he does, life will move forward and three months later you’ll barely remember this time. My fiancé was laid off, and spent a year looking. It was hard, but we got through it, and everything is fine now. Everything will work out for you guys too.

    • pickle

      I was in a similar situation. My then-boyfriend and I were long-distance after graduation so that we could both do meaningful work. We then got engaged, and he moved to my city when I landed my dream job. When we got married, DH didn’t have a job lined up and went a while without anything permanent.

      Do not press your boyfriend to complete X applications per day, just support him emotionally and make sure that he gets out of the house to do things that make him happy. DH ultimately got a great job based on his prior gov’t experience. Your boyfriend already has a leg up based on his past gov’t work. Remember that agency hiring is budget-driven, so open slots are not always available. Something will work out eventually.

      We decided to get married without two careers in place because we thought that nothing is certain in life. One or the other of us is likely to lose our job or become ill at some point. We agreed to face those risks together. If you can make it through this troublesome time, both of you and your relationship will be stronger for it.

  19. Anonymous

    Will repost on the weekend thread too – I want to get a pedicure to clean up my feet (calluses and the like). I usually paint my toe nails at home because I’m a little OCD about germs. How do you all assess whether a salon is being 100% sanitary?

    Any recs in the DC area too..

    • LilyB

      No real advice on how to assess how sanitary a place is (but it’s generally fairly easy to see if a place is well maintained), but some salons (sorry, no specific recs in DC) will allow you to bring your own “kit” and they’ll use your own instruments, if that puts your mind at ease. But I think where people have gotten dangerous infections in the past is from the jets in the Jacuzzis they put your feet in- a lot of bacteria can accumulate in there- if you’re willing to be assertive you can ask them how they clean the jets, you can ask them to remove the cap on the jet so you can inspect it- or perhaps ask them not to use the jets at all.

      • ezt

        Yeah, the massage chair with the attached Jacuzzi tub setup is a hotbed for bacteria, apparently. There are lots of places that have different set ups, including basins that can by physically picked up and washed/scrubbed out after each use, or at least basins that, while attached to the floor, are sink-like and easy to clean, so I’d look for that. You don’t get the fun of the bubbling and foaming but it’s easier to tell whether it’s clean. Also second places that let you bring your own stuff, or there are places that autoclave the tools between each use (don’t know about DC, but Dashing Diva in NYC supposedly does this).

    • Tecan

      If you don’t mind paying a little bit more, Red Door in Friendship Heights has always seemed very nice and very clean–no jacuzzis, but they bring you a giant bowl of water, hot neck pillows, and their tools are designed to be used once. Even the nail file has a sticky backing, so the person doing your nails will put the new, just opened file on the “handle” in front of you. I’ve also heard that it was Laura Bush’s preferred locale…

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