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Updated: Apr 17, 2022 304 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Brooke Tweed Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman with long brown hair wearing a white top, lavender tweed blazer, and blue jeans (lower legs cropped out)

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I know I’m a little late, but I can’t get enough of this Easter egg-colored blazer from L’Agence. Lavender is a divisive color, but the cut and hue of this blazer look classic and elegant to me.

I would pair it with a darker color (probably navy or charcoal) for an office look, but if you really want to lean into the pastel vibe, it would look fabulous with a white sheath.

The blazer is $575 from L’Agence and comes in sizes 00–18. It also comes in ecru.

On the more affordable side are this blazer from Bar III ($99 at Macy's, lucky sizes 0–8) and this Open Edit blazer ($79 at Nordstrom, XXS–XL and 1X–3X).

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Sales of note for 9.10.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  2. Anon

    This looks lovely. Here me out though on some questions:
    1. Are the sleeves a hair long? I have giant arms, so I appreciate long-enough sleeves, but these seem long enough to drag in things. Someone once told me that shirt sleeves should be the longest, then jacket sleeves, so that something long enough to get dragged (for me, it is ink coming from marking up things I’m editing on paper; other times, a red sauce) on gets ruined then it is the cheaper of the two items.
    2. Does this jacket close? I like an open jacket, but I expect something with buttons to close and I’m not sure here.

    • Anonymous

      The sleeves are a tad too long for the model. Full-length blazer sleeves should come to the first joint at the base of the thumb, near the wrist. These come almost to the second joint. A tailor should be able to fix this easily if the sleeves don’t have vents with functional buttons.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, the sleeves are too long for the model. She looks very petite though, so it might no be too long on every one.
      Even for a classic men’s suit this arm’s length is slightly too long, this would be the shirt length.

      I think bracelet length would have been a lot nicer for this jacket.

      • Anon

        Models aren’t petite, in general. However, the clothing worn by models is often made especially long to account for their tallness – usually they aren’t wearing the same exact sizing that’s sold in stores, but model versions. I’m surprised this isn’t more common knowledge.

        • Anonymous

          I get what you mean in terms of total body length, but it’s not unusual to fit more comfortable in petite tops for taller people with a proportion with longer legs and shorter back, for example.

      • Anonymous

        L’Agence blazers also tend to run very short. They don’t look good on me because they hit at the widest part of my hips. Very pretty color/style though, it looks nice on a teeny tiny model.

    • Anonymous

      The sleeves are not too long and the jacket would close. You’re being weird.

        • Ellen

          Thank you, Elizabeth for giving us choices! I am more partial to the Macy’s Bar III Notched color in Amethyst. Great Pick! The Nordstrom’s Open Edit is too baggy even for me, and believe me, with my caboose being what it is, I would not mind the loose look, though I do not want to even chance “growing into” it, because by then, I would really become a mess!

          I was home for the holiday on LI this weekend and my nephew Drew, (who is almost 11 already) walked into the bathroom when I stepped out of the shower, and he saw much more then he ever should have. Something tells me he staged the whole thing b/c he knew EXACTLY when to come in based on when I turned off the water in the shower. He even was holding up his iPhone 13 and I surely hope he did not take a video for Tik Tok. He swore to me that he didn’t but I am not sure and Rosa does not know his password so she can’t check. Ed says he will look, but I do not need him and his freinds at Merill Lynch ooogeling me courtesy of his own son. I also surely hope these kids don’t start sharing pictures of their family naked–I hate to think my picture could wind up on Tik-Tok or the hands of Putin or the NY State Supreme Court’s bar commission on ethics, but with electronic transmissions being instantaneous, I am more then a little concerned.

          How have others here in the Hive dealt with this issue? Im sure with Iphones and kids and nudity being what it is these days, others have seen this? Please advise, as I do NOT want my body viewable by anyone then people I select! FOOEY!

      • Anon

        The description says the buttons are there “as accents” so I’m assuming that means it does not close.

    • ElisaR

      i have a L’agence blazer that is a similar fit and i had to have the sleeves shortened. i have very average length arms.

  3. Anon

    Does anyone here have osteoarthritis in their hips? Can you share how it revealed itself to you and what the diagnosis and management process has been like? I am seeing more and more youngish (40s) people with hip problems and now my hips seem to be giving me pains. I have osteoarthritis in some non-weight-bearing joints and have figure out how to make that manageable, but I’m thinking it will be hard re hips :(

    • brokentoe

      My non-symptomatic osteoarthritis in my right hip was exacerbated by a 30 mph rear end collision when I was hit from behind. It became apparent after a couple weeks and got worse over time, despite weekly massage and eventually a series of cortisone injections (the first working for a few months, 3 subsequent injections did nothing). I had an out-of-pocket PRP (platelet rich plasma) injection that did nothing. Two and a half years post-crash I had a total hip replacement at 58 because the pain was unbearable and walking any distance was torture. Like many people who end up with hip replacements, I wish I’d done it sooner. Not unlike the frog in the pot of water being brought to a boil, you don’t realize how bad it feels because you can’t remember what it feels like to be normal. The recovery from the surgery went well for me – I was up and moving around later the same day and was only in the hospital overnight because my insurance required it (many of these surgeries are being done in surgery suites with an overnight at a nurse-attended recovery center). I had a great surgeon who because of my general condition (not overweight, relatively “young” age) suggested that I may be able to tolerate the pain without opioids, which I ultimately did. But you will have to fight with nurses and pharmacists that, despite the notation on my file that I DID NOT want opioids, repeatedly tried to give them to me. It was crazy. Pain really wasn’t that bad. I was able to use stairs in my 2 story house right away (slow, but I did it). However, the general toll on my body from the major surgery surprised me and I was off from work for the full 6 weeks after surgery. No physical therapy, my only instructions were to walk as much as possible. A little more than 2 years post-surgery I feel incredible – my right leg (the one with the replacement) is now stronger than my left. All this to say, don’t necessarily fear the ultimate solution. As you noted, more and more younger people (especially athletes who participated in rougher sports – which wasn’t me at all) are going this route because of the vast improvements in the surgery. If you want any other details, I’d be happy to share more about the experience.

        • brokentoe

          I have about a 5 inch scar that 2.5 years post-surgery has faded to the color of the rest of my Scandinavian fish-belly white posterior. YYMV, there is no color but there is an indentation in the skin. And yes, it extends about 3 inches beyond my fairly modest swimsuit bottom.

      • My joints hurt too

        How long did the surgeon indicate the joint is expected to last? One reason young folks were discouraged from getting joint replacements was because you had to have another surgery in 10-15 years ongoing. Is it different now?

        • brokentoe

          I was told more than half of hip replacements will last 25 years and are improving all the time. I understand the hesitation and tried everything else before I resorted to the surgery, but the pain was truly debilitating and I was missing out on a lot of things I wanted to do (like gardening) and just life in general. If I need another one down the road, I will do it again.

          • My joints hurt too

            Thanks so much for sharing. Yeah, I totally understand how bad can be and I’m sure you did the right thing. I was actually hoping technology was improving so the joints would last longer, so your posts are really encouraging. Thanks!

            I haven’t met a person who regretted their hip replacement, or getting it “too early”. I have a friend with a congenital hip problem that had hers done in her 30s.

    • Anon

      It kind of runs in my family but the person who needs hip replacement soonest is the avid athlete. Her doctor told her it’s probably a combination of the propensity toward arthritis plus an old injury, looking at her MRI. He suspects running.

    • Anonymous

      Not osteoarthritis, but another possible reason for hip pain: I have bursitis in one hip that developed when I briefly tried to be “a runner” in law school. My orthopedist was able to immediately tell what it was by poking the bursa. If it hurts after a lot of walking, or too much sitting, and especially if laying on one side hurts, check for that too. Physical therapy has helped a lot.

    • Anon

      So far I just have osteopenia. My diet when diet-tracked and analyzed doesn’t typically meet RDAs for calcium, magnesium, or vitamin K2, and I’ve tested as very deficient in vitamin D. So I’m trying to work on getting enough “bone vitamins” from diet and from supplementing extra magnesium and D3. My doctor isn’t thrilled that my alkaline phosphatase is also really low, but it seems there’s not much to do about that.

      • lifer

        I think you are confused about the OP’s question. Osteoarthritis is an inflammatory condition of the joints. You are talking about osteoporosis – thinning of the bones.

        Is there a reason you found out so young that you have osteopenia? Most of us wont get a DEXA scan until our 60’s, and honestly, I’m worried myself about my bone density now and would prefer to catch things early.

        • Anon

          Not the OP for this comment but I started getting bone density scans annually in my 40s as part of my wellness exam.

          • osteoporosis

            Wow. That’s really unusual. Are you in the US? The recs are to get baseline scan at 65 unless you have other risk factors for bone density loss.

            Does your insurance pay for it? I can’t imagine what code the doctor uses to get it covered, unless you are high risk. Even high risk folks you have osteoporosis don’t get scanned every year. It is typical to scan every 2 years when you are on treatment, for example.

        • Anonymous

          I started getting Dexa scans at 50. No family history or anything. I am shocked to hear you say they start at 60.

        • Anon

          You’re right; I misread osteoporosis!

          I think they were worried about some of my labs, about birth control as a risk factor, and about whether I was a good candidate for long-term prednisone (and they never did end up having me try the prednisone).

    • Anonymous

      I certainly don’t want to suggest you don’t know your own situation or minimize your ailments, but I will just note that I was suffering from a lot of tightness and soreness in my hips in my early/mid-40s that has fully resolved with exercise (primarily weights and body weight functional exercises).

  4. Anon

    Today has started with someone saying “I was going to do X” when they should have said “I did X.” Words have meanings, entry # infinity.

  5. Anon

    OMG now that I know what they are, I am seeing nap dresses everywhere. I guess Easter weekend is the high water mark for nap dresses (OTOH, maybe that is graduation / mothers day / summer weddings). It is like the pollen — we are innundated.

    • Anonymous

      You’re welcome! My emerald trellis Ellie got so many compliments at Church and brunch.

    • JustmeintheSouth

      Ok so I missed “what they are”. If a dress is smocked and midi/maxi does that make it a nap dress??

      • Anon

        Often with wing-type things that are like a sundress strap with a flat ruffle (winglet?).

      • Anonymous

        Nope we do not have time for this sorry! Nap dress is a term trademarked by Hill House Home to refer to a dress comfortable enough to nap in. Plenty of info if you google.

        • Anon

          I didn’t think you could trademark a generic or descriptive term (pain pill = no; “aspirin” = yes). Not an IP lawyer though.

          • Anon

            Aspirin itself is actually a generic name, not trademarked (like *Bayer* aspirin)

          • Cat

            Nap Dress is in fact trademarked. The company had to demonstrate that when the population heard the phrase “Nap Dress” they thought of the Hill House Home version specifically – and they did it!

            Other dresses are nap-style dresses or smocked sundresses or, as coined here, rufflepuffs ;)

        • Anonymous

          Does this make anyone else think of The Haunting of Hill House? Is that deliberate??

    • anon

      It’s not my style, but whatever. What I don’t understand is the name “nap dress.” That is NOT something I’d find comfortable to nap in, and smocking always feels kind of binding.

      I’m still not seeing many of these in the wild (Midwest college town).

      • Anon

        They haven’t hit my Florida college town yet, either. I love the look except for that ruffle. If they made one without it, I’d probably be wearing one now.

      • Shelle

        “smocking always feels kind of binding” Thank you for saying this. It makes me itch. More power to anyone who finds this comfortable.

        • Anne-on

          This. I have very sensitive skin and any kind of smocking inevitably turns into an itchy rash on me – fun fact – TikTok taught me it’s actually “Dermatographia” which both my son and I have.

          • Anonymous

            TikTok also taught me I have Dermatographia! I vividly remember being in 5th grade and scratching my face, which made a huge welt, and the teacher sent me to the nurse who didn’t know what to do with me. I was so embarrassed and tried covering it up by caking on powder (remember those compacts)!

          • Anonymous

            I don’t have that but doesn’t everyone have an imprint of the smocking all over their chest and torso after wearing these? Especially if one takes a nap in one?

      • Anon

        I haven’t seen these in the wild – not at the zoo, not on college campuses, not at the horse track.

    • Anonymous

      I have seen exactly zero of these in real life in a suburb of a mid-sized SEUS city. Are people really wearing them?

      The actual nap dress seems quite casual, partly because of the fabric. It seems appropriate for a picnic, an outdoor concert, or a casual brunch, but definitely not for Easter, a graduation, or a wedding. While shopping on line I have seen some smocked midi dresses with ruffled straps in dressier fabrics, but again I have not observed any in the wild.

      Related question: to what type of dress does the term “rufflepuff” apply? The ruffle-strapped smock dress described above? Tiered peasant or prairie dresses with enormous puffed sleeves? Those full-skirted mini dresses with smocked waists and ruffled sleeves? Last season’s ubiquitous Madewell dress with floppy sleeves? All of the above?

      • Anon

        I went to our more casual evening service and teens are still wearing tunic-length empire-waist dresses, which to me is awfully short and intolerant of any sort of bending over and also won’t tolerate climbing into any sort of SUV. So IDK re fashion anymore. It seems to be the wild west out there.

      • Anonymous

        Yes. Per our extensive discussion last week plenty of us are wearing them. Idk why we are just repeating that conversation!

        • Anon

          I would do much rather have this conversation again than get yelled at about Covid for the 9,000th time.

          • Anon

            +1 million. The hot-takes controversial conversations about nap dresses – you know, where we actually talk about fashion on a fashion blog? are a welcome change.

        • Bonnie Kate

          Idk why people can’t remember that this is a fashion blog. We talk about clothes here a lot, sometimes repeatedly. When you get bored, just collapse the thread.

      • Cat

        apparently your city is a year behind in trends then- I saw them a few times a week in Philly last summer, before they went on hiatus for cold weather. Lots of us are wearing them as discussed…. last week?

      • Anon

        Rufflepuff to me is those LoveShackFancy minidresses that API the rich teens in my neighborhood wear. We had a bunch of girls at Easter church turn up in them and then look miserable as they tried to prevent flashing people while climbing the steps for communion or to sit in the balcony.

        • Anne-on

          Ha! I’m an old, and there was a 60s/70’s revival when I was in high school. I distinctly remember my mom teaching me how to keep miniskirts/dresses down when climbing stairs and getting in/out of cars. We also wore these skirts and dresses with tights or stockings which helped a bit with modesty.

        • Anon

          Frankly, I think that’s a right of passage for teenage girls. Nothing out of the ordinary about this particular generation.

          • anon

            Ha, I suppose that is right, as I think back to my more scandalous 1990s outfits.

        • Anon

          This is what teen girls in my city seem to be wearing. For the yardage of fabric, they are really expensive. What am I missing? Do they come with the answers for next week’s calculus exam?

          • Anon

            Really, you can’t understand why teenagers are wearing something impractical? Weren’t you ever one?

          • Anon

            They are expensive for me. Pretty sure my kids’ budget is more Old Navy friendly.

      • NYCer

        People are definitely wearing them. Check out a preschool graduation or birthday party in your area on a warm day, I am sure at least one mom will be wearing one. :)

        Seriously though, I have seen them all over NYC, Nantucket, Naples, FL, southern CA… And I have seen pics of friends who live in Dallas and Chicago wearing them. They are fairly ubiquitous in my experience. Definitely more frequent sightings in the warmer months though, so maybe just give it some time.

          • NYCer

            Definitely not IMO! I just have not been to any high school graduations lately, so I have no personal intel to share with Anonymous at 9:44 about whether anyone would be likely to be wearing one there…

    • Anonymous

      This inspired me to take another look at the Hill House offerings. One print was custom-designed and includes hidden mushrooms and fairies wearing nap dresses. Who wouldn’t want a dress decorated with pictures of itself? I think I need to buy one of these for my teenager, who would appreciate the aesthetic as well as the sly, self-referential humour.

  6. Anonymous

    Best app to limit my access to apps on my phone to specific time periods?

    • anonshmanon

      It’s in the settings, you don’t need a special app. On iphone it’s called Screen time, on Android it’s called digital wellbeing. You can set total limits, or limits per app.

      • Anonymous

        Screen time limits overall time but I don’t see something to allow no time 9-5 but otherwise unlimited

        • Carrots

          There is the option on iPhone – it’s still under Screen time, but you can set it Downtime. You can schedule it for every day or just turn it on.

    • Vicky Austin

      I think the digital wellbeing features on Android allow you to turn on “Focus mode” or something like that at a set time every day. I used to use it but I think it made my phone glitchy.

        • ANony

          Will your company issue you a separate work phone, if use of a smartphone is required for your work?

  7. Anon

    Any ideas on how to handle feelings of rejection?
    I reach out to friends via text or DM, see if they want to hang out, and get zero response. It’d be one thing if they messaged back to say they were busy, but it’s radio silence. It’s happened enough times that I’m pretty sure I’m the common thread. I feel like I’m back in the middle school cafeteria realizing I have zero friends. Any ideas on how to make it sting less?

    • Anonymous

      No advice but solidarity. I think every relationship has taken a hit during the last two years. I also think that many people, myself included, need to relearn how to fit socializing into our lives.

    • anon

      It’s still going to sting, but there is power in knowing that these are not your people. Frees you up to find those who are. I also think some people are having a really hard time re-integrating into society.

      • Anon

        This. It’s one thing if they are busy with work or kids or traveling but to not even respond is rude and if they do this often, I’d stop reaching out and try to make new friends. If they reach out and it’s convenience for you, then maybe meet up.

      • Anonymous

        +1. For some perspective, I am one of those people having a hard time re-integrating into society, and find that social invites are filling me with anxiety now (they never used to). While I would never leave a friend on read, I’ve definitely been slower to respond than in the before times, and am going through periods of time (like weeks on end) where I just hide from everyone because I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how to fit socializing into my schedule/don’t really want to yet. So I’d say don’t ask them repeatedly, but maybe try to not take it personally and remind yourself that people are just having a hard go right now. Be responsive when they do respond, and also I agree that you should find friends who are on the same page as you are socially right now :)

    • Ellen

      I have had people like this who freeze me out, and it does hurt, because I have always been a very social girl and did not used to take rejection well. But I now rationalize that if I am rejected, it is by people who are not worth my concern or time. There are still others out there who would love to be my freind, it is up to me to find them. Myrna has always been there for me when I was ostracised at the ABA, and I will always remember her for that. I also appreciate my other Internet freinds, who stand up for me even tho we have never met. That is the beauty of the world wide web! So keep your chin up at all times as we here in the hive are here to support you when your other associates are quiet. You are a human being and we are all in the same boat! YAY!!!!

    • Anon

      Maybe you just need a reconnection jump start. Instead of an open ended invite to hang out at some point, throw a little party of some kind. Invite a group over for pizza and wine on a specific day and time. Once you reestablish a connection, it’s easier to get to the in between hangouts. I’d also start or restart text chats with your friends. It’s a lot easier to go from 40 to 60 than zero to 60.

    • Anon

      Why not a phone call? What program/platform is a DM used with? Maybe they don’t use that program often.

  8. Anonymous

    Any personal experiences with South Beach this time of year? Seeing 50-60% chance of rain and thunderstorms in the weekend forecast, hoping it’s just an afternoon sprinkle (knock on wood!)

    • Cat

      yeah, south FL is rolling right into “random pop-up late-afternoon thunderstorms daily” season. If you look at the forecasted total rainfall it’s like, a tenth of an inch.

      • anomanomanoma

        When I lived there it felt like you could set your watch in April by the 3-4 pm sudden 15 minute torrential downpour. Then sun again. Ask me why then another friend who lived there planned her no backup outdoor wedding ceremony for April at 3pm lol. There was car drinks and a beautiful 345 ceremony instead.

  9. Black Flats

    I am in the market for some flat shoes that will go with black pants and dresses in the summer. I won’t wear sandals because I don’t want to have to maintain my feet to that degree and they are a bit too informal for my office. I typically wear a plain pointed toe black leather flat from M Gemi but it feels so boring and not summery. I tried Sarah Flint’s Natalie sling back in black fabric recently and those have a more summery feel but may be a little too wild for me. Budget is $500.

  10. Anon

    Thanks for the words of encouragement (mostly) late last week about my situation where I’m low to no contact with a sibling for a long history of reasons, and have a second sibling who wants to plan a “post COVID” get-together with the three of us.

    Posting that and getting it off my chest, along with your support, helped me to make the call to the would-be trip planner to tell them it was never going to happen. There was resistance at but I basically said, “you can keep trying to plan it but I’m never going to go, I’m going to make excuses, and you’re going to be frustrated, so I thought it would be better to tell you now.” Sibling finally admitted to their usual tendency to idealize things and thinking a trip was just what we need to fix things (it won’t) when I can’t think of anything more miserable to do with my time.

    So that sibling and I agreed to a one on one trip in the future – it looks like our expected business travels will take us to the same general area sometime in the fall – and to drop the idea of an all-siblings trip.

    It’s disappointing that life has turned out this way but it’s such a relief to express and enforce my boundaries. Thank you.

      • anonshmanon

        Yes, this. You set your boundaries and after some convincing, sibling accepted it! This is success! Remember that when your doubts reemerge or sibling needs another reality check! It’s not one and done, but you did it once, you can do it again.

    • Anon

      Good for you!

      I’m going to throw out a PSA: “Sibling finally admitted to their usual tendency to idealize things and thinking a trip was just what we need to fix things (it won’t) when I can’t think of anything more miserable to do with my time.” Peeps, whatever you think you’re going to do to “fix things” because it works in the movies is something you shouldn’t try in real life. At the very least, run your zany idea by a professional first, who is going to tell you that forcing two people together for a week-long getaway will be an unmitigated disaster. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

    • No Face

      This is a massive win, especially if you are new to setting your emotional boundaries! Good for you.

    • OP

      Thanks all for the re-support. It feels good to hear, especially since the conversation with “good sibling” was tough (the right ultimate outcome and understanding, but still difficult to wade through and I know they were disappointed.)

      • anonshmanon

        they were going to be even more disappointed by getting their hopes up for a Norman Rockwell Sibling weekend, which you either bail on, or which is a disaster (how about both!?). You saved your sibling from a bigger disappointment down the road!

  11. Anon

    I have $250 work reimbursement to spend on exercise-related equipment (not clothing or shoes though). Ideas?

    Here’s what I already own: universal weight machine, elliptical, balance ball, hand weights up to 15 pounds, resistance bands, trifold workout cushion.

    I’m not willing to join a gym or take classes, so I’m looking for actual tangible products.

    • Anonymous

      Kettlebells, plyo box, floor mats for your home exercise area, Bodypump equipment.

    • Anonymous

      Adjustable kettlebells or weights up to 30# with a rack or heavy kettlebells (40-60# depending) for carries
      Jump rope
      Rower (will be more likely but a good start at $250)

      • Anon

        This. Adjustable weights are amazing. A quality rowing machine will set you back a lot; however, the workout is unparalleled.

    • Anne-on

      Can you mount a TRX system anywhere? I find them great for bodyweight exercises. I’d probably also look into a good yoga mat/blocks for stretching, and some medicine balls (I have and like the Rogue Fitness ‘slam’ balls).

    • anon

      Lots of good ideas already. I also really like having a bosu ball for some variety.

    • NYCer

      If you ever do barre type workouts, a free standing barre (like the “booty kicker” brand) is a nice luxury. I would only recommend it if you have a workout room/area though, as it is rather ugly.

    • Bonnie Kate

      I have a wishlist for this category – I could spend $250 way too quickly….
      -TRX Straps
      -Extra big PRO yoga mat from Manduka
      -Primal Kettlebells from Onnit
      -Feet Up Trainer from Feet Up
      -Yoga wheel

      If you don’t have a yoga bolster and blanket, highly recommend getting them if you’re at all inclined toward yoga stretches or restorative yoga (which is heavenly). I also would add hand weights up to 30 lb. A pair of yoga blocks are very useful for a variety of workouts as well, not just yoga.

    • Anonymous

      Starting level rowing machine? Yoga mat, stretching/massage ball, hand strengthener, mirror, storage or display units for your equipment?

    • ANony

      Do you run? If so, my similar policy covers race entry fees. YMMV (so to speak)

  12. Anonymous

    I can’t believe my taxes aren’t done yet – and it’s my fault, my CPA sent a docusign email last week but it got caught in my spam filter. I of course failed the docusign authentication and now my CPA can’t figure out how to resend and just UGH.
    Reminder – taxes are due today…

    • Anon

      You can join me on my trip to extension town – don’t forget to pay the balance though!

    • Anon

      Tangential question — tax day was always April 15th but no longer is because of state holidays (DC and MA?), is that correct? Are those holidays new(ish)? Did they pick April 15 because it’s tax day? Why do the feds even care about state holidays for this purpose?

        • Anon

          Nope, that’s not the holiday. In DC it’s Emancipation Day and in Massachusetts it’s Patriot’s Day. I thought they were both actually on April 15, but I’ve just answered my own question by googling and they’ve just been observed on that day recently.

          • Ellen

            Yes, thank goodness for DC and emancipation day! Dad filed my returns yesterday (on a Sunday, no less), and he said my returns were accepted BOTH by the IRA and the NY State Tax Department! Dad also had my bank account debited for FEDERAL taxes (alot), but somehow I am getting a small REFUND from NY, which he is putting into my advance bill for next year’s taxes. Did anyone else in the HIVE get this result? I have NO IDEA how I had to pay so much to Uncle Sam, but got back some money from NY State? If ERIC Adams did something helpful for me, YAY Eric! I also like Governor Cathy Hockul, and think that she may have given us women a tax credit or something for putting up with male chauvenists for years! If so, Go Governor Hockul!

          • Anon

            It’s the DC holiday that governs the IRS, so we all get some extra time. IRS has to be open on tax day for it to count.

          • Anon

            But why does the state holiday affect a federal office? The state I live in has its own holidays and I (work for state gov) have those days off but not the folks I work with in federal offices.

    • Senior Attorney

      Ugh we did ours but I have to do my dad’s. Just the short form but I am having major DOING THE THING anxiety.

    • Anon

      My new job forgot to take out local taxes, and it took so long to get it fixed that I now owe a fine and interest. Super grumpy about owing because they couldn’t get their act together.

    • Anon

      If it makes you feel better I did my taxes the 2nd week of January, they aren’t due for me until June, but I have yet to print and mail them out.

  13. anon

    I’ve recently gotten into dressing for your color season and am a complete believer in how it can transform your overall look. I feel like I’ve done that by instinct for awhile now, but now I’m really honing in on it and getting rid of shirts that were always borderline choices. Here’s my dilemma: What are you supposed to do when retailers are simply not carrying your colors? We seem to be in a moment of tops being available in black, white, and 1-2 shades of something that looks ghastly on me (either drab colors or bright neon). I’m a summer, for reference. Do I settle for less-than-perfect because that’s what’s available? Go with the less-is-more approach?

    • Anon

      Less is more. Poshmark. Look at Dillards, if it’s in your price/formality range.

    • Anon

      This is my constant struggle. I am also a summer and I just lean into the blue. I can always find something in navy or an appropriate summer blue. Mh preferred greens, pinks, and plums come and go, but blue is always there – true blue, if you will.

      • anon

        OP here, and yes, blue is usually a winner! I also really love pinks and plums and certain teals, but they’re hard to find.

    • Anon

      Ha — I’m a winter and live in a Moira Rose color palette. It is so darn easy.

      Re summers, check out where Kate Middleton shops — she seems to find colors that suit her and I feel that she is a summer. That very peri blue? It is not for me, but may work for you. I feel that Banana and ON also carry items that may suit you (my kids are summers).

    • Anon

      Maybe look at poshmark or eBay? Or just wait if you don’t absolutely need new things? In a few months there will probably be different options.

    • Anon

      ThredUp and Poshmark, I set auto-searches by color and just wait for goodies to hit my inbox.

    • Anonymous

      I am a winter and have the same problem. Warm colors and murky, dusty colors have been in style for several seasons now. My entire wardrobe consists of black, white, navy, and gray. I’d rather stick with flattering neutrals than buy things that don’t look good on me and never actually get worn. The pendulum may be starting to swing, though. I am beginning to see some cooler brights, especially cobalt, pop up on the fashion blogs for summer.

      If manufacturers wanted to sell more merchandise they’d always offer a variety of both cool and warm colors to suit all complexions, but they seem to prioritize a coherent aesthetic for the store or website even if it means half the population looks like death in the merchandise and therefore won’t buy it.

    • Shananana

      Also a summer and I have followed a bunch of house of color consultants who post what s out there in my season on social media, and that has helped me somewhat. search the tag HOC and your season . That and learning the, if its a smoky cool tone, it will probably work with my other items even if its not an exact fir for my key colors.

    • Anonymous

      Check out Joules if you like other UK brands like Boden. The Joules stuff always has lots of summer colors, very cool pinks and purples and blues, the yellows are lemon yellow, even their corals can be more cool than you’d think was possible.

    • Anonymous

      I hit a site like Nordstrom Rack and run searches for my colors. Something almost always pops up.

  14. Back to office help

    I have been working from home for 6 months or so and recently got an offer that felt like a lifeline to return to an office job. (I tried really hard to make WFH work, but I’m so relieved to be going back to the office.) The thing I’m struggling with is how to fill the holes in my wardrobe now. I cleaned out whatever didn’t fit, including my one suit, and kept a handful of things that spark joy but which together don’t really form a cohesive five-day-a-week wardrobe. The last time I was starting from a point like this, I was fresh out of college and stocked up on Uniqlo, H&M and Payless shoes. This job is more formal than any I’ve had previously, so that’s not going to cut it this time around, and also I now live in the Southwest so I need to keep cool.

    What pieces would be a good starter kit for me to gather now? Most of what I kept from my previous job life was dresses that I loved, so I’m good there. I’m thinking one summer suit like what’s been featured here recently, a “daily driver” pair of comfortable shoes (loafers?), one more outfit’s worth of suit separates and a couple of lightweight tops. Thoughts? Recommendations for those pieces or including different ones in my “starter kit”?

    • Anon

      I’d get some pants in neutral colors that fit you well (black, navy, gray) and then take a look at coordinating but not matching blazers. May be hard to find this time of year so don’t buy too many. Then fill in with shells or other tops that work with the pants and blazers.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. Might be too casual, but Uniqlo usually has some cotton/linen blend pants.

  15. Anon

    So, I need some input and advice, and I figured this was a quick way to get a good number of responses.

    My elderly dog has arthritis. I have been giving him galliprant. I upped his dosage recently (one week ago) to 20mg twice a day, and his weight is 14 pounds. The results were great –more pep, better walking, no crying, etc. The vet was shocked and has frightened him with blood tests to see if I’ve damaged his liver or kidneys. I’ve almost convinced myself I’ve caused organ failure in my little guy.

    So: continue with a lower dose of galliprant but add gabapentin? Or use CBD? The prescribed level of galliprant just wasn’t cutting it. We both spent a miserable day and night last night because of his pain, before he finally fell asleep, exhausted.

    thank you in advance.

    • Anon

      Get off the net and talk to you vet! This is a conversation for a professional, not a bunch of randos on the internet.

    • anon

      You need to talk to your vet. It is not good to just up the dosage on something without checking in first.

    • Anon

      First off – anything that treats pain in animals has the potential to cause liver/kidney damage. We have one of our dogs on Rimadyl and they require us to do quarterly blood checks to make sure it’s not damaging her organs. We definitely do not change the dosage without discussing it with the vet first because it doesn’t take much, sometimes, to tip over into a dosage that will cause damage. So: in the future, don’t change your pet’s medication dosage without talking to your vet first.

      Secondly, if your dog does have organ damage they will pick that up ASAP from the blood tests. You really need to trust your vet here. If you don’t trust your vet, find a new vet you can trust.

      Finally: you can try other things to help your pet’s pain but you have to discuss it with your vet first. Just like in humans, CBD can have different effects (sometimes not what is intended) on dogs. If your dog is in such pain from arthritis that a normal medication dose can’t manage his pain, and the vet can’t suggest anything else to help with pain management that won’t cause organ failure or some other kind of negative outcome, I am sorry to say this (believe me – because I have been in this situation) but it may be time to think about euthanasia. It’s not fair for the dog to live in pain and it is much more humane for you to engineer a peaceful exit for your pet than it is for them to die of organ failure from overmedicating. I understand completely how difficult it is to make that choice as I have had to make it. I will say that when we finally put down our elderly, arthritic dog I wished we had done it sooner. Despite a lot of efforts to keep him comfortable, he had been suffering and it wasn’t fair to him.

    • Shananana

      I look at this phase as Hospice. Pain is my biggest concern, anything else will pop up quickly and that will make the decision for you. I put my 14 year old shepherd down in the fall after a two year progressive hip and back arthritis reducing his mobility to next to nothing. Gabapentin gave my dog horrible dizziness so at the point the Rimadyl and CBD weren’t cutting it, it was time to make a decision. I will say towards the end rimadyl worked better than galliprant, so maybe worth a conversation with the doctor about that. Galliprant is better long term for most dogs, but I think it just doesn’t do as much at the safe dosage.

      Similar to Anon below, in retrospect, I kept my dog for about 2 months longer than I should have. You need to be comfortable with your choices, and its the hardest thing you have to do as a pet owner, but reaching the is his quality of life still there point is important.

    • Anon

      Have you tried Adequan? I used it for arthritis in my horse and it moderately helped him. When my elderly cat started. having issues with arthritis we tried it on him (off-label for cats) it made a huge difference. Potential sode effects are minimal.

    • Anonymous

      Pain medication is serious stuff in pets due to their small size and can be particularly tricky with older pets as medication breaks down differently. You really need to talk to–and listen-to your vet. And stop treating this animal like your own medical experiment. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but this is like sourcing the internet for how to perform surgery. The consequences of getting it wrong can make your animal very sick or can even be lethal. And the longer you wait to have this discussion just prolongs the pain. I don’t know who the “him” is that is frightened of blood tests, but that truly is the vet’s tool for determining normal kidney and liver functioning, presence of infection and many other health indicators. Right now the pain could be joint pain or pain from any number of other things–including infection that a simple antibiotic could help or kidney failure that a diet could help, etc. etc. Stop trying to play doctor and call your vet.

      • Anon

        The him is the dog. The OP is upset that after playing around with her dog’s medication, the vet wanted blood tests to see if the OP caused any damage.

        • OP

          Yes, it made me feel like the worst dog-mom ever. I was nearly in tears yesterday.

          And OMG I had no idea I should talk to the vet about this! Who knew?!

          Thank you to those who posted about their own experiences. That’s what I was looking for. Yes, every dog is different. My last dog had epilepsy and it was really hard finding the right dosage and combination of drugs, while watching him seize anyway. And much searching for descriptions of results of excessive galliprant use came up with zilch, and the negative side effects commonly associated with this drug have not presented at all with my dog. So.

          • Anonymous

            Well you should feel bad. It’s not ticket science to not mess around with prescription drugs.

          • Anon

            The fact that he didn’t have side effects from the correct dosage doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have severe complications from a doubled dosage. The dose can definitely make the poison when it comes to medications. Just like it’s okay for you to take a Tylenol if you have a headache, but taking ten Tylenol can give you liver damage. As an FYI, organ failure in dogs can take time to present, especially because dogs are great at hiding pain. That’s why your vet needed the blood tests.

            Also, maybe just stop. You rightly got called out because you made a dumb decision you were not qualified to make, and risked your dog’s health as a result. What did you think would happen when you posted this? That everyone would say “oh yeah, I mess around with my pet’s medication all the time, no biggie”? If you’re not a vet, don’t mess with your dog’s medication dosages, period. Be better.

          • Anonymous

            You really aren’t getting it. Others experiences aren’t relevant for your particular animal–underlying health condition, age, other medication (and non-medication) options and sometimes even breed factor into medication management and safety. Veterinary care, especially with pain management, shouldn’t be DIY.

          • Horse Crazy

            You had no idea you should talk to your vet about your dog’s medication dosage? I’m sorry, but this is one of the dumbest comments I’ve ever read on this site.

    • Anonymous

      Just get the tests. This is a normal request when you put a dog on pain medication. It will probably show that your dog can handle the 20mg and you can keep giving it to him. Or maybe you need to scale back to 15mg.

  16. cleaning service help

    Partner and I are trying to make our household run better and one of the things we identified is switching our cleaning service. We use a wonderful woman, who we’ve become friendly with; but she’s had a lot of health challenges over the past two years and been very erratic with scheduling – sometimes it’s 3 weeks or longer between cleanings and often inconsistent. I like the idea of having a service with auto withdrawal, same day every week, rotating checklist etc. I just feel badly about parting ways with her. Am I the a-hole? Anything to make this easier?

    • Anon

      Yeah, you kinda are. I have a similar situation and instead of wholesale firing, I just fill in with a service as-needed. Have you tried setting up a regular day with your existing person? We set ours up weekly knowing it’s probably only a couple of days a month and then fill in with a service.

      • anon

        She shouldn’t have to do this, though. The entire point is to make their family life easier, not add another task to their plates.

        • Anon

          Agreed. If a convenience service can no longer meet the intended goal, there’s no point.

        • Anon

          Eh, I think this is what differentiates people from corporations. At Amazon, the cleaner would be cut loose. The OP has a relationship with this person. I don’t put personal relationships in the same bucket as soulless transactions. I’d find a way to work with the cleaner, even if it means the “labor” of placing an extra call. (Are we so far gone as selfish people that we can’t do a little something for someone else?)

          • Anon

            I don’t know why you think OP has deeper pockets than Amazon but I assure you, you are mistaken.

          • Anon

            Because it’s not about cost it’s about scheduling. OP can spend the same and take the time to make a few extra phone calls or emails and keep someone employed.

      • Anon

        No she’s not. She needs a certain service and her long time cleaner can’t do the job anymore. It’s unfortunate but there’s nothing wrong with finding another cleaning service. She shouldn’t have to be responsible for continuing to pay this person.

    • Anon

      I don’t think you are. It sounds like she’s in the wrong line of work. I don’t have a cleaning person any more but my second to last one actually fired me as a client, after she had started erratically showing up. She was trying to get out of the cleaning business.

      Get a service that works for you.

    • Anon

      You’re not an a*hole! I will warn you that the grass isn’t always greener. I went from an individual cleaner to a service and hated it- inconsistency was still an issue. They seemed to cycle through people every few months. The job they did was widely variable.

      If you’re up for it I’d encourage finding a checklist/schedule online that you’d like to follow and talking to your person to see if she can offer more consistency and follow the schedule. If she can’t, that’s totally understandable and you guys can mutually part way.

      • Emma

        Agreed. I use a service and for a while I had the same person and she was great. Then I had another person who did a great job the first time but is kind of slacking off now that it’s been a few times. I don’t complain to the service because I don’t want to get her in trouble, but I think next time – assuming it’s still the same person – I will have to overcome my fear of confrontation and say hey please pay extra attention to vacuuming the living room this time.

    • Anon

      If you can afford it, could you supplement with another cleaning person. Have each come every other week or something?

    • Senior Attorney

      If she’s going three weeks between your cleanings, then your parting ways with her isn’t going to make a substantial difference in her finances. No, you’re not an a-hole. If you want to make it easier, pay her a severance equal to an extra cleaning or even two.

    • Anon

      I use a service. They don’t miss a cleaning, but the time of day varies each visit, which is sometimes inconvenient. I also feel guilty knowing that the cleaners are probably not paid well and a lot of overhead goes to the business owners.

    • Anon

      You’re not the a-hole. We’ve had the same cleaning team (2 sisters) for 15+ years and I can count on one hand the times they’ve needed to reschedule or haven’t been able to make it, and two of those times were due to deaths in their family. (And similarly, I do not reschedule or cancel on them unless we absolutely have to.) If we were having consistent problems with our cleaners not showing up as expected, I would regrettably have to part ways with them and find folks who could show up on the agreed-upon schedule. This is one of those situations where you can genuinely say, it is not personal, it’s just business. You need your house cleaned every other week. She’s not able to consistently provide that service. I would pay her a nice bonus – maybe the cost of one cleaning – to ease the sting but then just tell her you’ve located someone else whose schedule better matches with your schedule. That’s it.

    • Walnut

      Have you talked to her? “Hey, I need more routine cleaning service. Is there a way we can back on track for every other Thursday?”

      It’s easy in the moment to be empathetic on the last minute cancellations and be annoyed at your unplanned four hour cleaning project. Likewise, dealing with a medical condition is also annoying and erratic, which I’m sure throws your cleaning lady for a loop.

      As someone who’s received a lot of leniency during a health challenge, I’d encourage you to work with her first. Worst case scenario, she can’t accommodate your needs and can recommend someone to take you on as a client.

    • Anonymous

      You absolutely are not a bad person for doing this. Give her some severance and tell her you don’t need her anymore. That’s how business works.

  17. Clara

    How do you search comments on corporette? Thought there was a way but cant figure it out now

    • Cat

      in google do the following
      s i t e : c o r p o r e t t e (dot) com “searchterm”

  18. Anon

    how do you decide when to see a doctor? i’ve been sick since late wednesday/thursday of last week. i’m not really getting any worse, but also not really getting any better. i’ve taken two at home covid tests (both negative) and it’s been a while since i’ve had to function in-person while sick so i think i’ve forgotten how to push through being sick or how to let an illness run its course.

    • Anon

      I’ve never gone to a doctor for something like that. Basically only if there’s something seriously wrong.

    • Anon

      Do you have sinus pain? I had this a few weeks ago and had a sinus infection. I have sinus pain with normal colds, but this was different/worse and was not improving after a week.

    • Anon

      Do a telemedicine visit. Low commitment and you’ll get some advice on how to feel better and when to know it’s bad enough to go in.

    • Anonymous

      Do a telemedicine visit. Low commitment and you’ll get some advice on how to feel better and when to know it’s bad enough to go in.

    • Anon

      During pollen season, I don’t bother with a doctor unless it’s one of my semi-annual bacterial sinus infections. Everything else tends to run its course, it just takes longer due to the already-occurring allergy inflammation and irritation.

      • Anon

        This is my answer, but this is only after I saw some good specialists and got a robust plan put in place.

    • Anon

      I dunno if you got what I got, but I have been dealing with a miserable cold since last Tuesday night. Also have had two negative Covid tests; I don’t have a fever or body aches so it’s not the flu. It’s just a bad cold. Days 1-2 were not great, I weirdly felt somewhat better on day 3, then days 4 and 5 were miserable and today, day 6, I finally feel like I have rounded the corner and it’s going to be okay. I canceled all my plans for the weekend and just rested most of the day, both days, and I think that helped a lot. My doctor really won’t even schedule people until they’re two weeks out from onset of cold symptoms and I have been in the office when they’ve told people over the phone, they can’t diagnose sinus infection or bronchitis if you’ve had symptoms less than 2 weeks, and they no longer give antibiotics for sinus infections and only in certain cases give them for bronchitis. If all you have is a viral illness, you’ll spend time and money going to the doctor only to be told there’s nothing they can do for you. Get rest, get your humidifier going, drink lots of hot tea with honey and in 2-3 more days, if you’re worse or no better, then think about calling. Feel better!

  19. Anonnymouse

    Getting married in about five months and have all the major things booked (whew!). Anything you wish you had known beforehand? Appreciate any tips.

    • Ellen

      Yay! I wish you all the best! The only tip I am aware of is to make sure your bridesmaids do not look as good as you on your day. I have been a bridesmaid 6 times so far, and on 3 of them, men have made lewd passes at me right at the wedding receptions, one of which was the bride’s father! I think you should make sure that the bridesmaid’s dresses are NOT low cut and that they are long enough to stop men from putting their greazy hands up “on fishing expeditions” (an expression Mr. Jonas used to describe his disgusting behavior). With sensible bridesmaid’s gowns, you will not have to worry about this, and we can enjoy ourselves without getting ooogled or goosed by men at the reception. FOOEY on men like that, especially when they are the father of the bride! It is your day, so ENJOY it!

    • Senior Attorney

      About weddings or marriage? Here’s one of each:

      1. Make sure you have a day-of coordinator so you can just enjoy and not stage manage.
      2. Assume good intentions. If you picked the right person, you two are on the same team and it’s vanishingly unlikely they are doing that thing to annoy/harass/hurt/thwart you, so don’t leap to the conclusion that they are.

      • Vicky Austin

        Heh, I like this!
        My advice, wedding edition: Don’t skip a shot list for your photographer. There are a handful of shots we didn’t get at my wedding, including my actual family with me and my new husband and no one else, and I regret that!

        Marriage edition: Say yes as often as possible. I am invariably glad I did – whether it’s sex or painting the kitchen or going to a thing about his hobby that I couldn’t be less interested in, it always makes me feel more like our relationship is a shared adventure and gives us material to joke about with each other later.

        • Anon

          Subsection of this: provide a family tree with headshots for the photographer to learn who is who ahead of time, so they can prioritize. Our photographer decided to obsess over the “adorable” little girls dressed to the nines in ribbons and bows, and spent a large chunk of the reception following them around shooting candids while ignoring many other guests. Those girls are second cousins I barely know. We got back a ton of “cute little kid” photos and nothing of my only living grandparent. I was furious.

          • Anne-on

            On the photographer front – ours asked candidly who was paying her. I was like, huh? But then she explained that families often use weddings as impromtu photo shoots and she’d fine with telling grandma that no, she can’t shoot a dozen pictures of her side of the family when she has to get through the shot list the bride gave her. However, if grandma is the one paying the bill….she will defer more to grandma. In our case, WE paid the bill and I gave her full permission to shut down my mother. Which was great for her to know as my mom tried to strong-arm the poor photographer to do a 15-minute photo shoot with her side of the family during our first dance. Yea, we had a mother-of-the bridezilla, and no, it was not fun.

    • Anonymous

      One of the best pieces of advice I got was to take a little bit to sit quietly and think about what I most wanted to remember from the day — and then, on the day, to be deliberate about looking around during those moments and taking them in fully. The wedding day can be so go-go-go that if you aren’t mindful about noticing the things that are important to you, you can skim right over them!

      Similarly, find a few moments shortly after the ceremony where you and your new spouse can just be quiet together and enjoy the life-changing moment! Wedding celebrations are about gathering your family and friends together, but they are also about you as a couple, so take some private time to be excited together.

      Ideally, plan have something to eat and drink during that quiet time. Doesn’t have to be fancy (but it sure can be if you want it to!) Same “it can be go-go-go” reasoning — you might not get much chance to eat either while you’re getting ready or during your celebration after — so make sure you physically get a chance to take care of yourself.

      • Auburn

        This! One of my best friends got married a few months before me and gave me this advice – she was also a bridesmaid and helped me remember to stay present and soak up the day. Still so grateful to her. You’ve been planning this day for so long, it can be hard to set aside “what needs to happen next” or something not going exactly to plan and to just enjoy the day.

        Two other small pieces of advice:

        1. At least one thing will go wrong. Brush it off – it just makes for funny stories later! Mine was a horrific best man speech from my BIL…at the time we were mildly horrified (although less so than my parents) but we still giggle about it to this day.
        2. The day after the wedding, make a list of all of your favorite memories. Even little, small interactions. My husband and I read through the list on our anniversary. It helps us relive the day and I love having that list to be able to refer back to.

        • Anon

          My BIL also gave a horrific best man speech, which I knew to expect (because he’s a creepy weirdo who was only best man because their mother threw a tantrum and forced the issue) but I still cringed through the entire thing. The video shows him doing his best serial killer impersonation, while I look like I’m trying to smile through being stabbed with a hot poker.

    • Anon

      Congratulations!!!

      I was very careful with my wedding budget and, in retrospect, wish I had spent the money for one particular thing. It is unique go the wedding venue and would have been fun for our guests.

      Regarding marriage: do your best to solve problems before they fester.

    • NYNY

      Not everything will go according to plan, but if you end the day married to the person you love, then it was a perfect day. Book it, plan it, and on the day of, let it all go.

    • Anonymous

      Also for the photos: it’s ok to have the photographer ask for family + spouses only. All my family wedding pics have a semi-estranged cousin and a girl he dated for 2 months in them, and every time I look at those I’m a little bummed to have this random person featured so prominently.

    • Anon

      The importance of a prenup, not just to have one, but as a way of getting on the same page about finances and assets.

    • Anon

      Wedding: Day of coordinator is a must. We had the photographer take a picture of the people at every table at the reception. It’s so great to see all of our friends and family that were there.

      Marriage: It’s a long and crazy life together, and while you may not always be In Love, be sure to always be Loving.

    • Anon

      By the time the wedding day comes, your planning and decision-making are over. Designate someone else to handle any logistical/questions/whatever that comes up. Recommend either MOH or day of coordinator. If someone tried to come to me with a question (like, where should we put the guest book or something), telling them (half-joking, but half-seriously) “Ask my sister,” or “Ask the coordinator” was amazing for my stress level.

      Make sure you stand up straight for your photos!!!!!!!!! I so wish someone had told me I was slouching.

      Take a few moments to stop and soak everything in. It goes by so fast.

      Ask the caterer to box up some food for you and your new spouse to take with you. I was so excited at the wedding I barely ate any of our amazing food and ended up foraging for snacks at the hotel vending machine at midnight lol.

    • Anonymous

      Another photography tip: get ones with your various friend groups! At the cocktail hour, we had the photographer follow us for a group picture with high school friends, college friends, law school friends, current hometown friends, etc. To me, those were almost more important than the pictures with extended family I am not that close to.

    • OP

      Thanks everyone! Glad to hear that having a day-of coordinator was worth it, as I suspected it would be. Apprecite your wisdom.

  20. Anon

    TL;DR: is there anything I can do to help a loved one realize her (justified) anger about her divorce is ruining her life?

    Long version: my sister was divorced 4-5 years ago. She suspected him of cheating, the divorce was totally scorched earth and went on for years, he ultimately married the other woman. I always thought he was fine – kind of quiet and withdrawn with our family (we’re a big and very close bunch) but easy enough to deal with – but we didn’t have any kind of close relationship.

    My sister understandably hates him with the fire of a thousand suns, and given what went down I was more than willing to be the sounding board and shoulder to cry on while am this was happening. But it seems like her anger and grief is increasing with time rather than receding – how much he s*cks is still a major topic of conversation every time we get together, esp if she’s had some drinks – and she’s starting to do some things I’m not comfortable with. Like she submits reimbursement requests to him for stuff for their kids but she told me recently she pads them or throws in her own expenses (I guess she just tells him how much stuff is rather than sending receipts?). And she has taken their kids out of school for travel and stuff like Christmas shopping without taking him (apparently she’s supposed to get his consent to take them out of school unless they’re sick).

    She’s totally upfront about all of this – like basically she feels it’s justified bc he cheated. But all of it taken together is a little sad/scary to me, if that makes sense? She’s angrier and angrier and is doing things that I would never have expected of her (she was always a real rule follower) and it feels like she’s kind of losing herself. She does go to therapy but not sure if it helps.

    I just want her to get to a place where she is past this so her sh*tty ex is no longer the center of her life and she can build a new, better life without him. But it almost feels like she is getting worse instead of better and I don’t know how to help or if I can.

    • Anon

      I just re-read this and realized I left out the most concerning thing she did – she somehow figured out or got his Gmail password and she reads his email basically all the time. Which is both icky and also super super unhealthy, I feel like?

      • Cat

        So, specific to this, can you scare her into stopping? Like – it doesn’t seem hard to tell if someone else is looking at your gmail. There’s a “last account activity” notice at the bottom of the screen where you click to see all recent access to your account, and you get a message if a new browser accesses your account. It could be that Ex is well aware of the leak but seeing what kind of a hole she digs for herself…

      • Senior Attorney

        Oh, my, that is next-level bad.

        I agree that you can’t help her much but you can set a boundary and not listen to the craziness.

      • ANony

        That is a criminal offense. If the shoes were on the other feet, we’d be advising the woman to get a restraining order.

        You need to tell him about this piece, ideally anonymously. I wouldn’t get into the other pieces. But this piece? This piece is criminal stalking, and you need to get him to cut off her access before she continues to escalate.

    • Anon

      You can’t help her and you shouldn’t try. She needs to move past this on her own timeline. She didn’t ask for your help. You can choose to be a shoulder to cry on for her or not, but unless she has asked you “how do I move past this?” it’s not your problem to fix.

      • roxie

        wow I disagree.
        If my sister or someone I was close to was doing this I’d have a real come to jesus with them.

    • Anon

      Not your circus. You can’t make her fix herself. You can say what you’ve said here if your relationship is tight enough though.

    • anon

      Oof, that does sound problematic. Especially the padding of expenses; that’s really not OK, no matter how the marriage ended. How close are you? Can you gently point out to her that her anger seems like it’s bleeding into the rest of her life? If that’s not possible, I think you can redirect her when the ex comes up.

      • Anon

        We are really close but I feel myself pulling back lately because I don’t know how to respond to this. I have wondered if a sort of…emotional intervention makes sense. I just don’t want her to feel like I’m invalidating her anger and hurt.

    • Anonymous

      I wonder if she would be open to you attending a couple of her therapy sessions with her. I very much doubt she’s telling the therapist that she’s doing things like reading his email. It might be helpful to have another perspective and it would give you a safe space to express all this to her.

      • Anon

        I agree that she’s probably not telling her therapist everything. No idea how you could try to reasonably persuade her to do that, though.

    • Ellen

      She is really obsessed with his cheating, even now that the divorce is over. It would be nice if you could find her another man she could focus POSITIVELY on, rather then relive the past with her ex, who married the woman he was cheating with to begin this saga. I wonder if she was freinds with her? That makes it alot tougher. But if she can find her own man to focus on her, and she on him, she will stop with the negativity with her ex, but having almost been there with my ex boyfreind, I see the writing on the wall. All I can say is get her a new man to keep her loins warm at night and this problem will go away. It took me a very long time to get there but I no longer obsess over what my ex is doing, and who he is doing it with. I really don’t care any more if the other women do stuff I never did, or better then I ever did for him. It is in the past and he is free to be himself with whatever women are willing to put up with him, b/c I have moved on! YAY!!!!

    • Bloedel Babe

      Oh man. My divorce is over a decade old, and I still cry over it sometimes. I feel for your sister. She clearly has a ton of hurt.

      Probably not therapist-recommended, but if your sister’s ex was that low value (cheating, lying, scorched earth tactics in the divorce) then he was only going to get worse as time went by. As people age, they become more of who they are. I wonder if it would be productive for your sister to consider that, without the divorce, she could have faced all sorts of betrayals and risks for decades longer. Everything from risk of STDs to maybe he has a stroke at 55 and she is stuck caring for him. And what about the fact that she doesn’t have to cook, shop, clean, pick up after, and perform emotional labor for (possibly) the rest of her life for a guy that clearly did not deserve her.

      Again, maybe not therapist recommended, but I have found it helpful myself to realize what my marriage “working” would have meant for my life in other ways. It definitely helps. Also, I would encourage her to do any of the things that she would enjoy and that her ex would not approve of. Tango classes. Solo vacay to Italy. Buying a convertible. Painting her bathroom pink. Planning to retire in a low-cost foreign country.

      • Anon

        Yeah, I didn’t mention this I realized but I’m also divorced. Mine was a lot easier but holy cr*p was it liberating when I realized that I got to decide now who I was going to be and could do all the things I gave up for him. I want her to have herself back.

        (I should say – the scorched earth approach to the divorce was driven by her, not him – but honestly I understood it given what he did.)

    • Anonymous

      Everyone will tell you that you can’t fix this for her and they’re right. But have you told her you can imagine a happy future for her? Because she may not believe that’s even possible right now. At my lowest points, I’ve had trouble envisioning a future I want to live in and it was super helpful to have a loved one tell my that thought I’d get through it and be happy again and what that would look like.

      • Anon

        This actually made me tear up because I think you’re right and I just couldn’t see it. I can envision a happy future for her – a better one, honestly, than she would have had with him. But I think you’re right that maybe she can’t.

        Thank you.

        • Anonymous

          Aww you’re very welcome. You’re a great sister, so your sister is lucky in that respect. Best to both of you!

    • Anon

      We could have the same sister. You have my sympathy. You can’t fix this. She will alienate everyone and maybe one day she will mellow or change but it is out of your hands.

    • Hi

      I know most here will say it’s not your business, but I would call her out on it. I have a sister and I think these are the tough direct convos that comes with that relationship. You say it once and then only again if she brings it up.

    • Seventh Sister

      I don’t know if there is anything you can can do, other than trying to change the subject when you are talking to her about stuff. It also may be the case that you are the only person who is willing or able to be her sounding board about her ex. Her friends may have drifted away, other relatives may have told her to buzz off about this, etc. Also, she may feel like she has to present a very “everything’s fine” picture to the kids, and I imagine that would be stressful.

      While I’m still reeling from the level of detail I got at Easter dinner about my MIL’s issues with her ex-husband, I think she talks to me about that stuff because no one else in the family will listen to her about it. They.have.been.divorced.for.40.years.

        • Seventh Sister

          It is super sad. She’s quite intelligent (in an IQ sort of way), but she’s so narcissistic and unwilling to listen to others that she drives away everyone and can’t be happy about anything.

    • anonchicago

      Oof, you’ve basically described my mother. She also misused child support funds, pulled us out of school when she wanted, and tapped our phones to listen in on conversations with our dad.The divorce was 25 years ago and things have cooled only a bit.

      Be honest with her once then accept that the decision to move on and step back from the drama is hers alone. Looking at my mom’s friends, there are plenty of women in their 50s and 60s for whom their divorce is still a pivotal part of their identity and reciting past wrongs is a hobby. Your sisters kids will catch on eventually and likely pull away as well.

      • Anon

        This is my sister. It is better to be the “wronged wife of fancy doctor” because it seems to be a star billing (vs 50ish divorcee, which is just sad trombone). I cannot envision a happy ending for her. And if she sees how her life would have been with him, it would be him minus the cheating and self-indulgent behavior (work 60+ hours and then go watch the game with his boys after she was taken care of 4 kids on her own after following him from city to city in places where we have no family). It is fiction, so you can erase all the problems.

      • Anon

        This is a good approach. I would also ask her if she wants to be the kind of person complaining about her ex husband thirty years from now (see above commentary – my mother also does this and the divorce was almost 40 years ago). Tell her to channel her inner Mackenzie Scott and live her best life free from that cheating POS.

    • NYNY

      One of the best things you can do here is draw a boundary for yourself. You can’t fix her, but you can tell her that you are no longer willing to discuss her ex. Or that you will limit the topic to 5 minutes going forward. When you tell her this, absolutely express your love and concern for her, and tell her specifically how you are willing to support her. Maybe you’re willing to go to therapy with her. Maybe you’re willing to go on a sister’s vacation to relax and refresh (but no talking about ex!). It’s possible that changing the dynamic of your interactions will change her mindset. But whether it does or not, she needs to do the work to get past this.

    • Anon

      I actually really feel for your sister. My ex husband of over a decade left me for another woman who he married and has at least one child with. I’ve often thought how grateful I am that we didn’t have children together, so I never had to see him again, because I can totally see myself being consumed with anger… forever. It’s 4.5 years since our split, I am happily coupled, and I still get sad/angry about it from time to time. I have done a lot of therapy to get to where I am, which is that I understand I’m way better off without him and I’m not actively angry 80% of the time.

      But! I never got into his gmail or anything like that, and submitting the padded payment requests is not good either. I wonder if you could talk to her about those things—she might get caught and could get in trouble by the court, for example—and transition that to the idea that you can see a happy future for her (a la another poster). I knew I was drowning in anger and would have been ok with someone very very very very very gently calling me out and helping me think of how to get through. I think you could have this type of conversation once unless she brings it up again. After that, you have to protect yourself if you want to draw your own boundary, but I do think that super best friends or sisters can have difficult conversations with each other, as long as it comes from a loving place of concern and is gentle (and only once!)

    • Anon

      You probably can’t change her but you can tell her that you’re really worried about her, that her ongoing focus on her ex including spying isn’t healthy, and that you’re worried if/when this comes out it could really negatively affect her or the kids and want to know how you can help. That kind of directness is part of caring about people. If you’ve said that and she keeps bringing him up you can say you just can’t listen to this anymore but that will probably negatively affect your relationship with her.

  21. Blazer + Jeans

    Question: if “blazer with jeans” is a classic look, are there more outdated versions of it? Is there a more current one? For example, Tina Fey in 30 Rock – classic or dated?

  22. Nibna

    I don’t like the person I am when I’m in a relationship. Normally I’m pretty confident, outgoing, calm etc. But when I’m dating someone I turn into a person who worries a lot about “do they still like me”, “why havent they texted me yet” etc. I don’t stop doing things with friends or otherwise not do activities I like normally, but it just takes up a lot of my mental space and becomes tiring. The person I’m dating has literally nothing to do with it. I don’t even know if they could do anything to not make me feel this way. Maybe just give it time and I wouldn’t feel like this in a more established relationship?
    I just feel like dating makes my overall stress level higher than baseline, even if when I’m with that person or texting them or whatever I feel better than baseline. It’s just exhausting, and in the past has led to me breaking up with the person.

    I make friends easily enough but struggle with interpersonal relationships compared to other parts of life. Or, maybe, I’ve been told I struggle with interpersonal relationships but I’m actually not as bad at it as I’ve been made to think. So I do think that is related to this.

    • Anon

      It actually probably is the people you’re dating. I felt like that all the time until I met my husband. The exes were all varying degrees of just not that into me, so it produced a lot of anxiety. Once I met my husband, it was easy and those feelings never materialized. You’re fine at relationships, you’re just probably not in the right one yet.

      • Nibna

        See this is what I always assumed – that when it is the right relationship it’ll feel right and this won’t happen. But I had started to doubt myself.

      • Senior Attorney

        Counterpoint: I was kind of a wreck for quite some time when I started dating my husband, although eventually I was able to relax into it. Therapy helped.

    • anon

      I can’t say for sure if it’s what’s going on with you, but my gut always gives me some kind of sign when it’s not right. That sometimes manifests itself into the type of anxiety you are describing. I don’t know why that’s how it manifests, but I am now dating someone with whom I have never experienced this type of anxiety. Not once. I knew from our second date that I could see myself with him for a very long time and he has behaved similarly. So I guess I agree with some of the other posters that it could indeed be the person you’re dating but I also get the SA angle- that you almost feel like you don’t deserve to be happy and that the other shoe is ready to drop.

    • Anon

      Are you asking for advice? Maybe the book Attached would help you, it sounds like you have an anxious attachment style.

      • Nibna

        In that framework I definitely fall under avoidant attachment – this is 100% accurate:
        “They often struggle with expressing their feelings and find it hard understanding emotions – in adulthood; they tend to avoid intimate relationships.”

        • anon

          Yes, I thought avoidant attachment when I was reading your initial post. I have it too. I read loads of online resources about it but could not truly make progress until I went to therapy. I had to relearn how to feel emotions as I had stuffed them down for years. I only needed a couple of months of therapy and then I did more work on it on my own. It’s well worth tackling. I am in the early stages of a relationship now and already I can see a major difference in how much I enjoy dating. This guy might be a better guy than the others, but some of the difference in definitely in me. Please take the time to work on yourself, and don’t chalk it all up to finding a better guy.

    • ANony

      It sounds like you have an attachment disorder. Therapy will really, really help; time without action will really, really not.

  23. Anon

    Does anyone else have something that sounds like a sun allergy rash? Starting a few years ago, I sometimes get a rash of tiny skin colored bumps that itch on my neck after sun exposure (like it wouldn’t burn, would just do this rash). After it happened the first time, I’ve been able to avoid it with good sun protection and it’s only happened maybe 4 times ever, in cases where I was caught by surprise to be in the sun. It would always go away after maybe 5 days so I haven’t done anything different. I recently got the same thing after spring break and it’s now 2.5 weeks later and I’m still really really itchy. I know this is a doctor question at this point (it had always seemed so mild that I never brought it up before) but has anyone ever had something similar and/or advice?

    • Anon

      Ok this may seem counterintuitive but are you sure it’s not the sunscreen? I have now become allergic to two different sunscreens after prolonged use.

      • Anon

        +1 I learned I’m allergic to zinc and/or titanium oxide the hard way. Also, I would figure reactions like that would go away on their own but mine really did not get any better after a week so I went to a doctor and got some prescription-strength corticosteroid cream and it worked wonders.

    • Anon

      Yes, I’ve gotten this, though mine is usually on my legs and is blotchy and itchy/burning. I’ve had it maybe 4-5 times in my life, starting when I was around 10 and most recently in my mid 30s. Most of the times it’s happened on the first day of summer where I’ve gotten much sun. It’s called polymorphous light eruption. Mine has always gone away within a few days, so I’d definitely suggest a doctor visit.

    • Anonymous

      Sun allergy rash is a thing, and there are several different reactions you could get from the sun. Polymorphic light eruption is a common one, but there are other things as well. There’s also medication that can make you light sensitive, like some antibiotics, or even skincare – there’s a reason AHA acids are supposed to be used with sunscreen or at night. Have a think about any new products as well while you’re waiting for your doctor’s appointment. You could be reacting to a new laundry product or something as well.

    • MagicUnicorn

      I get skin reactions like that, too, although mine are not from the sun but come from physical contact with pollen in the air, or if I brush against something that has pollen on it. Thick lotions (like sunscreen) that form a physical barrier help me a ton. This never happened while I was young but developed in the past couple of years for me. Not attempting to diagnose you, just something else to consider and talk to your doctor about.

      Some medications, even some foods (or meds in combo with certain foods, FWIW) can cause sun sensitivity.

    • Anonymous

      This happens to me literally every time I am in the sun for more than 15 minutes. I should be a vampire. I’ve had this my whole life, and wearing sunscreen really doesn’t prevent the rash (it does, however, prevent the sunburn, so I wear it religiously). The only thing that prevents it for me is wearing long sleeves, long pants, and a hat. Very fashionable at the beach, but better than looking like I have chicken pox after an hour outside.

    • OP

      OP Thank you all. This place always makes me feel less alone with whatever random problem I am experiencing. Lots of good suggestions for me to think about.

      • Cat

        Counterintuitively, it may get better if you spend a little more time outdoors. I had this happen as a suburban teen when between school and indoor summer jobs, I wasn’t outside much other than an annual beach trip – where this would happen every time. (When I was younger, I’d be outside playing during the summer rather than cooped up.)

        The minute I started living outdoors more regularly (moved to a city so lots of time walking around rather than driving, more frequent beach weekends, etc) it never happened again.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      I get this on my throat and neck. Sunscreen and clothing coverage is the best prevention. Hydrocortisone cream is the best solution for me, when it happens. The OTC stuff is…fine. Hopefully your derm will prescribe a big tube of 2.5% stuff to keep on hand.

    • fullofpears

      My sister used to get hives from sunlight. She went to an allergist and did something that means it no longer happens. Certainly worth a visit!

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