Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Wool Peplum Jacket

192 Comments

1. For those of you who adopted, how did you know that adoption is for you? For the adopted among us, what would you want prospective adoptive parents to know?

   For context, we’re in our late 20s, have no children, and can but don’t intend to have biological children.

   1. Personally, I do not want to bring children into this global warming world with all the strife and bloodshed and nasty people. My fiancée wants to start a family right away but I won’t stop my birth control. I do not think I am being selfish because I would not make a good mom even if world events were positive. Am I wrong?

      1. That’s a pretty major issue you want to figure out before you get married. Neither of is “wrong”, but having children/not having children is a pretty critical issue.

         1. +1

            It’s ok to just say that you don’t want children. Just say it to your fiance before the wedding, OK?

         2. PLEASE STOP RESPONDING TO THESE PEOPLE.

            Annie, Susane, Francine are all the same person. How in the world has Kat not fixed this yet, and why do people keep responding. Honestly do you all fall for phishing scams too?

      2. It’s wrong and selfish to marry someone who wants children when you know you’d never have them. Break up with him. Let him find what he really wants.

         Also maybe get some perspective? Nasty people have always existed and in many ways the world is better than ever. It’s fine to still not bring kids into it but personally Im delighted that my kids won’t get polio.

      3. Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I love Pricey Monday’s, and this Peplum Jacket, and also Brook’s Brothers, which is not to far away on Madison Avenue. Mabye they have them for me to see in stock? It may be a littel to fashioneable for me, especialy if it is tight in the tuchus area.

         As for the OP, you SHOULD be straight with your fiancee, b/c when you get married, you are suposed to LOVE, HONOR and CHERISH him. If you are goieng to prevent him from bearing you a child, then you should tell him up front about that. I personaly can NOT wait to have a child, but I need a HUSBAND first. You are the opposite. You have a guy who suposedly want’s kids and it is YOU who are putting the breake’s on so that he will NOT be a father? FOOEY! You are the ONLEY one who can bear him legiteamite children, so do NOT hide behind your wedding vail and then spring it on him that you do NOT want children AFTER you marry. FOOEY! If he is any good, he will agree, but if NOT and he is good, set him loose so that other women can bear him children. I say FOOEY to you for being selfish!

      4. I’d encourage you to spend some time thinking about how this will play out. For people who absolutely know they want children, that’s an essential life goal for them that isn’t negotiable. If you get married, one or both of you is going to end up bitter and resentful. There’s no compromise on something like this – it’s binary. You either have children and you resent him or you don’t have children and he resents you.

         I got divorced over this issue. I got married when I was 25. I knew my fiance very much wanted children. I knew I wasn’t keen on them, but everyone, EVERYONE, told me I’d want kids when I got older. I believed with all my heart that someday a switch would flip and I’d be as baby crazy – or at least somewhat interested in babies – as seemingly every other woman on the planet. Years passed and we talked often of kids. I kept waiting for that switch to flip, thinking there was something wrong with me. Then one day, I was fortunate to have a near-death experience that changed my life and crystallized for me what I wanted out of life. After years of uncertainty, I suddenly knew with perfect clarity that kids weren’t on the list. My husband and I came to the conclusion together that it wasn’t fair to each other to stay married. Part of his dream in life is to be a father, and he’ll be amazing at it. I care about him too much to deprive him of that! And I know I wouldn’t be a fantastic mom because my heart’s not in it.

         Love is about the other person. Honor your fiance enough to give him the life he dreams of…which may not include you.

   2. I love the book ” No Biking in the House Without a Helmet” by Melissa Fay Greene. It is about her story family which includes different types of adoptions. I really like her realistic view point.

      I would love to adopt and plan to adopt.

      That being said, the only other thing I would add is that I don’t know if parents always realize that you might not be able to “fix” your child after they are adopted. I am a special ed teacher and often had children in my classroom with behavioral and developmental delays who were adopted. Who knows if it was living in an orphanage, lack of proper nutrition after birth, being exposed to alcohol/drugs while in the womb or if the children would have been more this way anyway but often I think parents energy for these problems ends. For example they would adopt them, have tons of energy for therapies and interventions and then be totally worn out by the time the kid was 7 and not showing a ton of progress. Especially if they have reactive attachment disorder and don’t show any sign of attachment to you as a parent (this is especially hard for mothers). I just saw lots of families that were disillusioned by it all. I think some parents really think the kid is going to come running over arms wide open being like “Thank you for saving me!” and its going to be a cake walk and its not. I am not at all saying that you would think these things – its just a trend I have seen in the classroom. And of course there is always a risk that children you give birth to yourself might have special needs, its always a gamble.

      Anyways I love the idea of adopting especially from USA foster programs. So many kids within the US need homes. It is interesting though to see how my friends who were adopted handle it as teenagers/adults. Some really struggle with all of it, where as others seem to adjust pretty well.

      1. Are these difficulties more with older children who are adopted vs infants? It sounds that way from your post.

         1. No its for all types of age adoptions. Obviously older kids I think would have a lot more to work through. However I think you would have a clearer picture of what you were starting with. However, this is why some people prefer open adoptions. Or being able to get the baby the day its born.

            In my classroom most of the kids were adopted and in their families home by age 2. Orphanages change brain development (google for the studies) but basically being in one can increase your likeliness of having ADHD or problems with impulse control. The lack of human interaction can cause attachment problems and educational delays. Malnutrition as an infant can have a lasting effect. Sometimes the babies were born premature due to the mother being addicted to drugs and not given proper medical treatment. Fetal Alcohol syndrome is pretty common. Trauma is lasting though. One of my students who was adopted at age 3, and didn’t have enough food at home, had gorging problems. I had him at age 6 in my classroom. He would just eat and eat and eat until he got sick if you let him because he was still in survival mode. He would hide food for later. Grab food from the ground in the park. He had no trust even after 3 years of being with his new family and having all the food he could ever want or need available, that the food wasn’t going to disappear.

            I am a special ed teacher – so I wouldn’t mind getting a child with special needs. In fact I am 90% sure I will adopt a down syndrome child sometime in my life. But I go into the experience realizing that this might happen. I just don’t think all parents do that. Of course there are adoptions where the children don’t have special needs, but I think its something people should be aware of might happen.

            1. Thanks for your input. What would you estimate the prevalence of adopted kids with special needs to be? Or where could I find information like that?

            2. +1 to all of this. My parents adopt a two siblings from Poland about 9 years ago – he was 9, she was 7. She was fine – some issues, but working with a therapist helped immensely. He had/has a lot of issues and ended up in and out of some psychiatric programs. He’s in a JobCorps program now about two hours away and it has helped him immensely. So, even within sibling groups it can vary how they do. But definitely go in with your eyes open. Check to see what local resources are available to families who adopt or have children with special needs – I know my parents got respite care, where they could have my brother stay with another family for the weekend.

            3. I appreciate OP’s desire to know the prevalence of special needs, but I also want to point out that if you adopt a kid who has special needs (which isn’t a choice in your control) your prevalence will be 100%.

            4. No clue on the on the statistics but I think it would really depend on what type of adoption. Adopting from foster care, open adoption from the USA, which country you would be adopting from. If you are planning international adoption really really look into how its actually set up. The book I suggested above talks a bit about this. Whatever type of adoption you are looking into I would just completely dive yourself into learning about it. If you are thinking of going internationally, go visit the orphanage and volunteer for a month. When I was in Uganda volunteering this past year, I found it really interesting to see the tour the guests and potential donors get verse what i was really going on. I only learned that because I was there for a long amount of time. In Uganda you can only adopt if you live in Uganda or have lived there for at least 3 years. But they need donors to donate to their orphanages and they are totally taken for a ride.

               Be knowledgeable about what kids are exposed to if you are planning on a USA foster kid adoption. Spend time in an inner city school. One of my students the first day he came into my classroom was playing in the play kitchen, he started to use the play spoon over the play oven to make crack. Obviously this 5 year old had seen more than I had ever seen in my life. So be ready to tackle those types of exposures and experiences.

      2. I’ll second this. I had very dear friends who adopted a 6 year old boy. They were older, patient, loving, highly educated, and financially secure. They knew he needed some counseling because of his background (nothing too extreme – just a typical story for a kid in the system) and he’d need tutors for school. They had the best of everything lined up for him. Unfortunately, the little boy became very violent and they had to give him back within a year. It just about broke them emotionally to know they were very likely sentencing that little boy to never having a family here on earth. (Statistically so much harder to get adopted with every passing year.)

         Do you remember that 15 year old boy from Florida, Davion Only, who went viral in 2013 asking for a home, any home? A family stepped forward to take him and they, too, gave him back because he was violent. (Happy ending: his caseworker adopted him earlier this year.)

         It’s heartbreaking, but some of these children have seen so much. You just have to be really, really prepared for it.

      3. This is a thoughtful perspective. There is truth here, and it makes me sad…

         But remember London… you are seeing a selected portion of the adoptee population. These adoptees are coming to you because they have a disability. You are not seeing the much greater proportion of adoptees who do not have issues requiring special ed.

   3. I think about it a lot too (I’m in a very similar boat to you) and I recommend the book “The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption.” The book is not pro-adoption, but I think a lot of the issues it discusses in factual depth are good to know about if you are considering adoption.

   4. I think it’s really important to understand why you want to adopt instead of having biological children. Like, really dig into that feeling, get to know it’s hidden corners, poke at it for a while. Adoption can be hard. And wonderful. And so can having biological children. The more you can really put a finger on what your reasons are, the easier it is to check and see if those reasons are valid and hold up in the real world.

   5. I’ll be following the comments on this. My reason is I think it would be medically risky for me to have biological children. I may decide to take that risk or I may decide it isn’t worth it. My husband and I are on board with no children, adopted children or biological children but we have to make a decision at some point.

      Of the four people I know who were adopted, one is close with her family and very successful, two had deep struggles with family and went down the wrong path (drugs, crime) and one is very successful but treated horribly by her family and does not have a good relationship with them.

      One of my hesitations is seeing these broken relationships and wondering how to prevent that. I can’t imagine someone adopted with the intent of being an awful parent. Assuming they had good intentions going into, what caused the breakdown?

      Also, I would love to adopt locally but it seems that the children available through our state system all have very profound disabilities. Maybe those are just the ones that end up on the website and the less disabled are quickly adopted and don’t need promotion. I don’t know. I believe you also have to do foster care before you can adopt here.

      1. I have no skin in the game re adoption…but to your point about kids who were adopted… I feel like I know just as many people who have difficult/estranged/terrible relationships with their bio parents. I’d be wary of extrapolating patterns from limited (anec)data. That said, I think it’s smart to think about… but for bio kids and for adopting.

      2. But to be fair, what do family relationships look like with your friends who aren’t adopted? Some have good relationships and some don’t, correct? I like to think all parents, be them biological or adoptive, start out with good intentions. This is a risk you take regardless of how your child comes into your life

   6. Take into account the difficulties inherent in adopting. If you want to adopt an older child or a child with special needs, that’s one thing but adopting a healthy infant is difficult, expensive and time-consuming. There seems to be a misconception that adoption is easy.

      1. Is adopting a healthy infant considerably more difficult, expensive, or time consuming than having a bio-infant?

         1. No first hand experience with this, but based on what friends who’ve adopted have told me, it can be 20-40K.

            1. oh okay yeah, I mean after the baby comes home, so normal costs of raising children

            2. I think it depends. If you have a child that has special needs, be it behavioral or otherwise, you will likely need/want to spend some additional money on treatments. That can obviously happen with biological children too and you can’t really predict it with certainty either way.

         2. Yes. Approximately 30K and up to years of waiting.

         3. Yes, yes, yes. For complicated reasons, I have a lot of contact with people who are planning on adopting. One of the popular misconceptions is that adoption is inexpensive. If you are prepared to adopt a special needs child or go through your local foster-adopt program, it need not be. However, those programs come with a lot of downsides (including long delays and the not insubstantial risk that you will spend years with a child only to have him or her returned to bio-family). Private adoption, even domestic, is very expensive.

   7. If you choose to decide to adopt a child from a different culture, it really helps to live in a community with people from that culture and to interact with them on a regular basis as peers and friends. There are also summer camps for adopted kids to meet others with similar life experiences.

   8. We adopted our daughter from another country 10 years ago- she is our only. Truly, we could have not produced a better kid or fit for our family! We are so alike and so different but I think most parents feel this way bio or not. We have always had open communication and quick to act on issues. We’ve been lucky to travel back to the country where she was born, but she identifies as a kid of our country. You don’t know how they are going to handle this (or any other situation)- but as their parent you are there to guide and assist. Do your research, talk with a lot of agencies but ultimately you just except what you are given (the same thing you would do with giving birth). There are no guarantees, no perfect children, and no perfect parents. Good luck!

2. I have no advice to give, but wanted to tell you I think it’s awesome you’re considering this!

3. I’m about to go on my first business trip where I am travelling on the corporate plane with executives. Previously all my travel has been alone and on commercial flights. I know we have discussed this a bunch but I can’t find any threads for some reason. What should I wear on the plane (5 hour flight, travelling on a non-business day, going straight to the hotel off the flight)?

   1. How about a black wrap dress, pointy toes flats, and a pashmina for warmth? You’ll look polished but still be comfy

   2. Hmm… I have traveled on the corporate plane with executives (as a midlevel engineer), but never on a non-business day. However: I have never seen our executives dress down for the plane, even when there was no business to be done upon arrival. In this situation, I’d still dress appropriately as if for work. For my company, that would be ‘nice business casual’. The corporate jet always makes me nervous and I’d rather be overdressed than underdressed for that reason.

      I would also recommend layers. Small jets can be bumpy and I’m prone to motion sickness, so it’s good to be able to casually remove a layer if you’re starting to feel yucky.

      On my last corporate jet trip I wore: grey Loft slacks; black Clarks loafers; a navy-blue patterned sleeveless blouse and a white cardigan.

      1. Great outfit suggestions, both of you! I tend to get a bit motion sick as well… good reminder for me to pack Gravol.

         1. Remember to get the non-drowsy version!!

   3. I’m so envious, you won’t have to go through TSA and you can bring a humongous shampoo bottle and no one would care.

   4. My only time on a corporate jet was for a business meeting, so can’t help there. It was at least 10 years ago, but the one thing I remember is that on the way home, they provided some food before we took off (we were waiting for others). There was a table in between us and I was seated backwards. When we took off, my food slid off the table into the client’s lap — oops!! I didn’t even think about the possibility, as you are never allowed to have your tray down when you take off in economy:) Also, it had been a long and stressful day. We had a good laugh about it at the time. That’s my tip for you — secure all of your belongings when you take off and land.

4. The buttons on this jacket seem to be very high and yet it is pictured with pants. I don’t see that working out (esp. for me — I’ve got some serious hip/thighs to balanceout). Maybe with a sheath dress?

   1. I think the jacket would look much better with a skirt or dress. I have a jacket with a similar texture and it is surprisingly versatile.

5. Does anyone know anything about charitable day care? I’ve been really feeling moved to start or support or expand such a program. Now having two kids, I can’t imagine how it would feel not to have a good place to send them. In my dream world, it would be a really high quality, full-time day care staffed partially by volunteers and partially by employees, and parents could pay as much as they were able. I know a lot of churches offer Mother’s Day Out types of programs, but I’m not aware of any full-time programs. And I don’t think you can do Head Start until three. Are there other government-assisted options?

   I know there are a lot of regulations of day cares, so I was thinking it would be easiest to talk to someone who has already done this before trying to go further. Any suggestions would be welcome! Even if you just know of the name of one somewhere, I would love to have it so I could reach out to them.

   1. Contact your local United Way chapter. Most fund/support subsidized childcare at local daycares and they hold the supported daycares to a very particular standard to ensure high quality care

   2. I believe child care subsidies are usually provided on the state level, and I think the YWCA in some places offers affordable child care, especially when combined with a subsidy. Obviously, that is not enough.

   3. If it becomes difficult to start one yourself, what about starting an org that solicits donations to pay for daycare? A family friend did that and it’s quite successful.

   4. There are ones in my area for adults (older people) and adults (younger adults who have aged out of school-based special needs programs). All are a must where there is a working adult who cannot be there to care for people 24-7. Also respite care.

      I think that for all of them (incl. children), you need to staff full-time with paid staff b/c volunteers are very hard to come by for all hours you will need to be open.

      One thing that seems to help all caregivers is stipends to community college programs for continuing ed and paid time off from their job for training. It can go a long way for someone with limited education to go all the way to an associates degree or the various certificate programs that are offered. Also, paid extras in the center for art / music / movement instruction.

   5. Most states have websites like this: http://michigan.gov/mde/0,4615,7-140-63533_63534_72609—,00.html#faq1 that explain to parents how to apply for government assistance programs. I think most states start at birth. Michigan’s does for example. Reading the guide book there will give you a good idea of the steps a parent would need to go through to get help.

      In Minnesota there is an organization called Wilder. It does childcare and parents support. They have a rate for parents who can afford to pay (270 bucks a week) which includes breakfast, lunch and snacks but they also accept county child care assistance for eligible families. Obviously most of the program is supported by donations at that rate. http://www.wilder.org/Programs-Services/Early-Childhood-Education/Pages/default.aspx I am sure all states have similar programs that offer high quality childcare + provide parent support but it might be a matter of googling.

      1. I actually Googled a bunch last night and didn’t find much, although I think one of the ones I did find was somewhere in the Midwest.

         1. If you are interested in what is available in your area – I would call a social worker – they would have a good list of resources for families. For example if I lived in the Bay Area – I would probably call these organizations up and ask them for more information. http://www.sfhsa.org/195.htm

   6. How would you finance this? Who would be your volunteers? How would you get trained, accredited, background checked workers to volunteer when they already get paid peanuts? What makes you think you have something to really contribute here?

      I think that a lot of people like the idea of coming to the rescue. If you really want to make a difference, start small and learn. Call your local YMCA. Talk to your day care about setting up an associated non-profit to run a scholarship fund.

      1. I would finance it the same way other non-profits are financed: donations. My volunteers would be the same type of people who volunteer in church nurseries: older women, mostly. What makes me think I have something to contribute: well, I want to make a difference, and so I am trying to.

         My kids don’t go to day care. I have thought about a scholarship fund to a for-profit day care, but it seems to me if you could get one started with lower overhead, the program overall would be much more successful. For example, there are churches all over town that have nurseries for Sunday services, and I think the facilities sit empty the rest of the week. That would be a HUGE help. And if we could staff it partially with volunteers, that would cut out a lot of overhead too. And obviously we wouldn’t be trying to make a profit, so unless the for-profit day cares would offer us a break, part of the scholarship money would be going to that. So we would be able to help more people than if we just offered scholarships to for-profit day cares.

         I know it’s a big job. I’m starting to investigate, that’s all.

         1. Those church nursery ladies aren’t qualified to work in a day care though. The poor deserve licensed professional care too, with consistent staffing. And lots of those facilities are used during the week for church pre-school.

            Your post just reads a lot like white savior lady with no background qualifications or skills thinks she can make a huge difference just because she cares. Lots of people care. And have the skills and are doing the work.

            1. How do you know I’m white?

            2. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re actually white. White savior complex is a thing. If you’re brown or ecru or off beige you can still have it.

               Look, I could be 100% off base here. But part of running a start up is hearing a ton of criticism, using what makes sense, and ignoring the rest.

            3. I think you need to keep in mind that something is better than nothing and you have to start somewhere. When I was a student lawyer, I was leery to do some of the domestic violence pro bono because I felt like you that low income victims deserved a “real” licensed lawyer not some dabbling student. However, without the volunteer students, they got no representation and did it solo. A law student, while not necessarily as qualified as a licensed attorney was able to provide them a significant advantage to going it alone.

               The same debate is had regarding continuity of care and medical and dental clinics. Some dentists will do a free weekend clinic and they are criticized because their patients don’t get regular check ups like those with insurance and don’t have the same dentist looking over them each year. Instead they just go to whatever dentist is doing the free clinic that year. But, without the free clinic they still don’t have continuity of care. They have no care. At least with the clinic they get their painful tooth removed or they get a cavity filled so it doesn’t need to be removed.

               We can recognize what is best but if it is not something we can provide that doesn’t mean we as a society should provide nothing either.

               (In case it matters, my law school experience was in a mostly white state where the low income people we helped were also predominately white. Many parts of the country have low income people that are predominately white. Low income does not always mean black.)

            4. Blonde Lawyer, you make a great point, but I don’t think the example is equivalent – someone wanting to add a pro bono element to an existing organization or specialty (doctors, dentists, attorneys – even law student students as you note) is starting from a very different place – further along – than someone who doesn’t have that platform/knowledge/infrastructure. I think the suggestion that the OP spend some time in a daycare center or fundraising capacity – that will either help firm up her interest in helping, or show her that her plan may not be realistic.

         2. I think it’s a really great thing to look into; there’s just a lot to consider and whenever I hear, I’ll do it at lower overhead, I try to think about the reasons that others aren’t doing it already (what are the practical issues with this idea?).

            1. Yes, and I’m happy to have those thoughts!

            2. I think 10:05 Anonymous hit a lot of them. Staffing with volunteers, commitment, continuity of care, etc. How about licensing requirements? Insurance? Physical location? Safety? Etc. Then best practices for a population in need (assuming for lower-income use)

         3. Ugh: My volunteers would be the same type of people who volunteer in church nurseries: older women, mostly.

            Most daycares are open at least 50 hours a week. Most church nurseries are open a few hours for one day a week.

            For most ladies, let alone “older ladies,” having to take help with lifting / changing multiple children over a long day over a week is a lot of work and not what they are signing up for (esp. when not getting paid).

            1. So much rudeness for someone who is trying to help. I said it would be partially staffed by employees and partially by volunteers. Obviously it would have to be mostly employees. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but the “Ugh” is pretty unnecessary.

               I’ve never been attacked so much for an idea to help people. Thanks to everyone who has provided real answers. I am happy to take ideas and criticisms and suggestions of what might not work.

            2. Please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not trying to pile on you- but I think you’re getting a little pushback because it sounds like, while you’re inspired to take on this project, you haven’t given the actual implementation much thought, and haven’t really begun to look into the issues yourself. You just comes across as a bit naïve. I’d recommend spending some time with the google and just reading up on the basics-what your target population is, issues your target population faces with respect to finding affordable childcare, what resources are already available to this population, what gaps remain and why, what funding resources are available to your population and to you (more than just “donations”), what challenges other people trying to implement these projects have faced, what community groups are doing similar work or different work with your target population, and what the requirements truly are to run a project of this magnitude (processional licensing, health and safety requirements, state laws, federal laws, local laws (zoning, code enforcement, et al), insurance, finding an appropriate location, rent, employment issues, forming a non-profit entity, tax issues….).

               I’ve noticed that a lot of people who regularly work with vulnerable/disenfranchised populations can be more quick to push back at well meaning people who are “just trying to help” but have no idea what to do, haven’t put in the leg work to do research themselves, and drastically oversimply the issues.

            3. Next time I ask for help on here, I’ll be sure I already know all of the answers to my questions!

            4. Don’t be so sure that “older” folks wouldn’t be happy to help lifting and changing children. I think lots of older women (including my mother and grandmother) would be able and willing to spend their time helping with a cause like this. But keeping shifts shorter or assigning different duties (making lunch, carpet games, supervising nap time) to volunteers could address this concern.

               Overall, I think it’s a good idea. Licensing and training will be the biggest issue (it would be here in Canada), so supporting an existing YMCA or other program that is already licensed might be a good way to get started.

            5. Wow, ok, I was just trying to give you some perspective on the reactions you were getting, and in a very polite way. No need to snap at me!

            6. Anecdotal, but my MIL is in her 80s and works at a nonprofit preschool/day care. The center is open 8 am to 5:30 pm, ages 2-5. It is sponsored by a faith-based organization and is on their grounds. She has been a teacher of one age or another her whole adult life, and this is a true profession — she is always preparing lessons, gathering materials, writing things to the parents, etc. I believe they have teachers’ aides/interns sometimes, but I don’t think they have any true volunteers due to state licensing requirements, insurance/liability issues, parent concerns, etc. They take donations, though. One way to work towards your goal might be to organize a fundraiser or otherwise draw focus and $$ to an already-established center.

         4. In my state, licensing requirements are different for churches versus non-churches.

            Churches might not also have a kitchen needed to feed a daycare’s worth of children, never mind health / safety issues with bodily fluids (pumped milk, poop, etc.) and feeding. In a small space, some of these things may be too close together (like: you need a food-prep only sink and a handwashing sink and they cannot be the same sink).

            1. These are all good thoughts. My church just built a new building with a big kitchen and lots of nursery space that is close but a definite separate room. I would think that would be okay, but it’s definitely a thought to consider. Thanks!

            2. I think that something that will help you help others is to get closer to the action. Spend some time in a daycare. Talk to your church about why they don’t run a daycare (liability / insurance: one lawsuit could cost them their church, for one) already. Talk to a church that does. Talk to a Y. Visit. Volunteer for a day at a church one (for liability reasons, you probably can’t at many places and you’d maybe distract staff from their jobs, but maybe you could help in the office, but there’s a lot of confidential information there that they may be sensitive to). And talk to workers — they are often not well paid at all and may be adversely affected by focusing so much on keeping costs low.

               Consider the workers comp implications of asking volunteers to do a lot — what if they get sick or hurt?

      2. To Anonymous @ 9:45a.m.

         “What makes you think you have something to really contribute here?” This statement comes off very rude, as do your follow up statements.

         The OP is a smart woman asking smart questions. Obviously if she had everything figured out, she wouldn’t be asking questions. If someone said something like that to me, they would have received a ruder response than the one you got. She’s asking because she does have something to contribute, even if it’s just giving $100 to United Way and asking questions. Sheesh, what’s with the wanton negativity on this site?

   7. My kids attend a non-profit daycare center, which receives contributions from the United Way and a few local foundations. It has a sliding scale payment system based on income, and also accepts vouchers from the state/county program for lower income families or families where one or both of the parents are in a formal education program (high school, college, trade school, etc). There is also a foundation, and the program has scholarships available to reduce tuition for families going through a hardship like loss of a job. The daycare also gets money from the USDA food program for lunches. They also sponsor internships for students doing the programs at the local career center and community college – both the culinary programs and the education programs.

      We love, love, love our daycare. We love that it reflects the diversity of our community, provides high quality programming and healthy food. Most of the staff have been there for 10+ years (many for 20 or even 30) because it is such a good program that treats them well, and happy teachers make happy programs.

      Post an email address (or an anonymous one) and I could give you the webs!te for the center and the director’s email address. Its a busy time of year for her as the school year is just starting here so a lot of the classrooms are transitioning ages, but I bet she would be willing to talk to you. Our center has been around since the 70s, so I don’t know how much info she would have on starting one from scratch, but she could probably give you some information on the types of grants they currently apply for (I know its a lot, and they rely on the teachers to apply for them as well as the director, because $200 here and $1000 there can add up).

      1. Houstonian101@gmail.com

         Thank you so very much!!!

         1. http://www.twc.state.tx.us/jobseekers/child-care-services

            1. Thank you!

   8. I would recommend spending a few years volunteering and/or fundraising for existing centres before trying to start your own. Or starting a “friends of” organization focused on providing funding.

      1. +100000000. In the long run, this would make your efforts much more effective – you’d have a better understanding of how centers work, the issues low-income families are facing, etc.

      2. This is a good idea. Especially as the OP said her kids weren’t in daycare, so she may not have realistic expectations about the logistics and issues of running a daycare.

      3. Agreed. Also, I would look extensively into what already exists out there. In my area almost all the churches with large nurseries already run daycare/preschool programs. Many of them are less expensive than other options and I’m sure most of them have some sort of reduced price option for lower income families (i.e., I think lots of churches already do what you’re thinking of). Honestly I think the most useful approach would just be to set up a fund to subsidize daycare for needy families. I realize you want to keep costs lower by being non-profit, but many daycares already just squeak by. Also, consider the fact that if you’re using volunteers, you might be reducing overhead (although I think that’s questionable — volunteers aren’t known for being particularly reliable or skilled, unless you have an extensive training program, which is its own expense) but you’re also taking away a paying job from someone who might need it. Why not raise funds to help families go to existing daycares, which would also put more money into the pockets of (typically low-paid) daycare workers?

         1. That’s a fair point.

            Do those churches in your area really do full-time day care? A lot of the ones in my area just do MDO programs, so they’re just like a couple of days a week and for fewer hours. (My church and others don’t, which is where I got the facility idea.) I would like to help a 7:30 to 6:00 type of daycare.

            1. It may be that they just do morning preschool. I think an earlier commenter’s point is spot-on — if these churches have these facilities and likely have the motivation to do outreach and charitable work, why aren’t they doing it already?

            2. Another factor to consider is whether the location is close to bus lines, both N/S and E/W.

      4. It doesn’t seem like OP wants to volunteer her own time or money, but expects others to do so.

   9. I would also see if there is a crisis nursery in your community ( or look into that model elsewhere).

      1. Thanks! This is exactly what I was looking for. Hopefully Googling “crisis nursery” will get me more results than what I was trying last night. I just didn’t know the right name for these kinds of things.

         1. Yes! You should look at the specific needs for your community, but crisis care is usually severely lacking and incredibly needed. In general, such places provide short-term and temporary 24/7 care (day and overnight care) for children.

6. DH and I got married a few months ago. A few weeks before the wedding, I changed jobs to go in house. My former boss/mentor had already RSVPed yes, and he attended with his wife. My mentor didn’t give me a gift (or even a card), and I am trying to decide if I should send a thank you note to him and his spouse for attending the wedding (which was 1 hr away). I don’t want it to come off as passive aggressive (although I’m miffed that, after years of slaving away for his clients, he didn’t even bother with a card), because I want to keep this connection open.

   Any advice would be much appreciated.

   1. No. No thank you notes for just attending. Especially if you are feeling miffed. If you want to keep the connection open, send an email checking in, or get lunch.

   2. I’d send the thank you for attending in case the card/gift was lost in the shuffle or in the mail. If you send no thank you and they did send a gift they will think you are the rude one. If they get a sincere “thanks for attending, it was nice having you there” card, and they did send a gift, they will probably reach out and say “hey, your note didn’t mention X, did you receive it?” Then you know.

      1. we sent a few “thank you for being a part of our special day” cards because we weren’t sure whether a card/gift had gotten lost, we had family who were not in great positions financially, etc. I agree with everything Blonde Lawyer says.

      2. +1

      3. no no don’t do this- its so obvious its fishing for a gift.

         1. Agreed. It’s rude. You thank them for coming to your wedding with the reception.

   3. I was always told not to send cards thanking people for attending.

   4. Hold off! I’m about to hit my one year anniversary and we’ve still had a couple gifts trickling in! There’s definitely a “rule” floating around that wedding guests have a year to give gifts, and false as I think it is, there are definitely some people who subscribe to it. One of my bosses, who I’d generally describe as a space cadet, sent us a gift at around the 8 month mark.

      1. +1. I’d wait.

   5. We are sending thank you for attending cards for the people who traveled to our wedding. I don’t expect a gift or a card from them and it meant a lot that they came across the country for us. If they happen to send gifts later, they’ll just get a second thank you card.

   6. My dad always waits one year exactly to give the wedding gift – just to see if they stay together. A bit ornery of him? Yes. But he insists that etiquette gives him a year so he does it. People are weird. Give it some time.

      1. This is friggin hilarious.

   7. The only time I’ve ever sent a “thank you for attending” note was when my in-laws’ family priest came to a wedding reception held locally for us in their hometown. In other words, he wasn’t officiating at anything and it was purely a social event a few weeks after our wedding; the way I saw it, he took time out of his schedule to attend, and I wouldn’t expect a priest to give a wedding gift. I’m not sure if that was perfect etiquette, but it felt right.

      I don’t think I’d send a thank-you to a regular wedding attendee that didn’t provide a gift, unless their presence itself was an extraordinary effort: the great-aunt that traveled cross-country, perhaps.

   8. Any chance there’s a nice photo of your former boss and his wife from your reception? Maybe send it to him in an email and let him know you thought he might like it — not formal enough for a thank you, but keeps a connection open.

7. After some recommendations from you guys I started delving into makeup and finding products that look great/discovering whats worth the splurge and whats not. I go for a more natural look everyday but I’ve noticed that taking the extra 10 mins to look nice does actually make myself feel better and more confident. What is your morning routine, what products do you love, and do you think it makes you feel better throughout the day?

   1. My makeup routine takes 10 minutes, tops.

      I use ELF mist and set spray BEFORE I put on my makeup–seriously, ti makes my makeup stick like glue. I’ve gone out to Disney World in 95 degrees and crazy humidity and had my makeup stay put all day.

      I put a dab of MAC concealer on spots and under my eyes, and use a brush to blend it all in. I use MAC powder foundation with a brush all over my face and blend into the neck.

      I use a Revlon eyebrow pencil to fill in my very sparse brows. I use the Urban Decay Naked Basics palette on my eyes, ELF cream eyeliner on waterline and top line. ELF mascara, a coat of neutral lipstick, and done.

   2. Piggy Backing off of this – I need a better nighttime skin routine. What are you putting under your eyes? What are you using as a lotion/oil?

      1. Kiehls Midnight Recovery Oil is the very best night time product I have ever used. I’ve been using it for 3 months now and the texture of my skin has completely changed. I love wearing make-up, but lately I have more no-make-up days because it seems a shame to cover up my skin.

         1. Hmm, do you put the oil under your eyes too? Do you use anything else? Currently, I use a Neutrogena oil free fragrance free moisturizer and Kiehls Mignight Recovery eye cream and will probably switch to a slightly thicker moisturizer once the cold weather sets in. Considering trying the oil instead now.

            1. I use the Kiehls avocado eye cream under my eyes, and the Midnight Recovery oil on the rest of my face instead of a night cream/moisturizer. I have tried the Midnight Recovery eye cream, but it’s more for dark circles and my biggest issue is hydration.

            2. Thanks!

   3. My morning makeup routine is 5-10 minutes, depending on how much eye shadow I use.

      In the summers, Tarte BB cream on after I shower. (In the winter, I’ll put moisturizer on before the BB cream – I don’t need it in summer). Let that dry, then Hourglass powder on top. Tarte Amazonian clay blush, Smashbox eyebrow pencil, Tarte mascara, and YSL lip gloss for a low-key day. If I do my eye makeup, I’ll do eye shadow from a palette either from Tarte (yup, I own everything by them) or Urban Decay. Liner is either gel from Bobbi Brown or a liquid liner from Stila. I’ve got it down to a science at this point.

   4. Makeup definitely makes me feel better. My bare minimum is a swipe of MAC’s paint pot in bare study and mascara. Depending on the heat, and what I”m doing, I’ll add Tarte BB cream, Makeup Forever blendable blush, Benefit Watts Up highlighter, Clinique Instant Lift for Brown and whatever lipstick and eyeshadow I received as a bonus. I rarely put on thicker foundation or powder.

   5. Pretty low key on the makeup but also always wear at least some. For work days: laura mercier radiance primer and tinted moisturizer, laura mercier blush, undereye primer to decrease concealer settling in lines (got at sephora, forgetting the brand), laura mercier undereye concealer, stila waterproof liner, estee lauder mascara, bobbi brown gloss. Takes five to ten minutes.

      On the weekends, I usually skip eyeliner and sometimes mascara.

   6. I also prefer a natural look, but it takes me 8-10 minutes to get there! Using a Beauty Blender sponge sheers out products to make them look more natural, and using cream products prevents cakey, make-up face on my dry skin.

      Face:
      MAC pro-long wear concealer under the eyes, around the nose and chin, blended with a Beauty Blender sponge – this concealer is hurricane proof so no need to set it
      Tarte Park Avenue Princess bronzer

      Cheeks:
      Lancome Subtil Creme blush, applied with a Beauty Blender sponge – this blush looks so natural and stays all day, it is amazing!
      MAC cream highlighter in Hush, applied with a Beauty Blender sponge

      Eyes:
      L’Oreal Stylist Plumper eye brow gel
      MAC eyeshadow in Omega blended in the crease
      MAC eyeshadow in Naked Lunch swept across the lid
      MAC eyeshadow in Brun along the lashline
      Lancome Hypnose mascara

   7. I don’t feel good going to work without a minimal bit of makeup – I’ve definitely scaled back over the past few months but here are my basics:

      – Moisturize (either right after I shower in the morning, or after I wash my face if I’ve showered the night before)
      – Primer – I use a Smashbox undereye primer as both undereye concealer primer and eyelid primer, plus a Benefit Porefessional primer just on my nose (I have mega samples of these from Sephora, not sure if I’ll buy when I run out)
      – Concealer – I use MUFE HD undereye concealer although I love my sister’s Nars creamy concealer too – always under my eyes, a bit on any red spots, sometimes around my nose
      – Eyeshadow – usually just one shade from the Naked 2 or 3 palettes
      – Mascara OR liquid eyeliner (I look better with eyeliner but can’t always be bothered, in which case I just swipe on some mascara – I like the Buxom brand)
      – Powder (low-key day: CoverGirl; more important day – Benefit)

      And some vaseline or lip balm which gets followed by a lip stain or balm in the car (I keep a few in my purse and dab on while my husband drives me to the subway on his way to work – usually a Tarte or Nars one)

   8. I’m pretty low-key on daily makeup – in general, I only use NARS or Stila liquid eyeliner in gray only on the top (it feels less harsh than black), Smashbox mascara in black on top and bottom lashes, and then fill in my brows with an Anastasia Bevery Hills pencil. Admittedly, I only do brows about 50% of the time. And my super low key routine is driven more by laziness and time constraints in the morning.

      I own many other products, but I generally only use them a handful of times a month (date night, parties, occasionally just-because on weekends). For those products I love Laura Mercier Primer and Tinted Moisturizer, Smashbox eyeshadow primer with Benefit cream eye shadow, cream blush by Stila or Bare Minerals, and lip crayons by NARS or Tarte.

   9. I have to plug Cle de Peau concealer. I used to wear foundation every day but that concealer has replaced the need for foundation. I swipe it under my eyes, on any acne, and in areas that tend to get a little red (nostrils, cheeks, chin). It blends so well and stays put all day and the finish is just fantastic. It’s a superstar product.

      Otherwise, it’s pretty minimal for daytime. Some blush, some navy mascara, and Bobbi Brown’s eyebrow stuff and I’m done.

   10. Oh man, I’m feeling pretty high-maintenance reading these responses :-)

       My daily morning routine is:
       -Day cream (Boots Botanicals)
       -CeraVe moisturizer with SPF
       -MUFE primer
       -Clinique tinted moisturizer
       -Concealer (Clinique, but it’s discontinued, so I’ll need something else soon)
       -MUFE HD powder
       -Urban Decay eye primer
       -Smashbox black eyeliner
       -Eyeshadow (a fairly neutral look, usually from the Naked3 palette)
       -Benefit Better than S*x mascara

       …and a spritz of Jo Malone Red Roses to finish it all off.

   11. – NA- PCA and Boots moisturizing serum (I use Nivea cream in the winter), let that sink in
       – SPF – I just use the Target brand dry-touch and let that sink in
       – Nyx Matte finish setting spray as a primer
       – MUFE face & body foundation applied with beauty blender. Maybe concealer if I need it.
       – brush out brows and fill them in with a pencil
       – NARS eyelid primer
       – MAC paint pot – usually use Bare Study or Rubenesque.
       – Tightline eyes with a cheapo Jordana gel pencil, a little on the corners of the upper lash line
       – Nyx Doll Eyes mascara
       – Benetint

       Usually takes 10 minutes tops.

   12. My morning makeup routine:

       BB cream (I blend two drugstore varieties to get the perfect shade) or Garnier Miracle Blur if I’m having a good skin day and want really sheer coverage
       TooFaced Soleil Matte Bronzer
       Tarte Amazonian Clay Blush
       Brow Gel (using the last of my Anastasia brow gel; just purchased a Laura Mercier version that I’m excited to try)
       Tarte Inner Rim Liner for my lower inner rim
       Mascara – I switch off all the time but right now I’m using a Makeup For Ever sample from Sephora that has literally lasted me for weeks
       Hourglass Ambient Lighting Powder

       Sometimes I smudge brown eyeliner (Ulta brand) into my upper lash line but I’ve been lazy lately and have been skipping that step. Takes maybe 7-10 minutes, tops.

       Pre-makeup, I use an Ole Henrikson Vitamin C serum, Algenist Complete Renewal Eye Balm, and Burts Bees Renewal Firming Day Lotion.

8. Another wedding question: fiance and I are planning (and hosting) a spring wedding with a limited guest list — only close family and about ten friends and their dates. His mom’s friends would like to throw us a shower in his hometown. None of those who would be invited to the shower will be invited to the wedding.

   Given this, should I decline the shower? My gut feeling and rules of etiquette say yes — of course we shouldn’t accept gifts from people who we’ve opted not to invite. And my preference would be to skip the shower anyway; I don’t know any of the would-be guests, and much of the motivation for the small wedding was avoiding this kind of occasion. But I feel certain that this will hurt Future MIL’s feelings; he’s an only child, and she wants to acknowledge the event with her friends. What’s the gracious move here?

   1. I had a very similar situation, except that my husband and I did end up having a very casual reception where we invited a bunch of people who were not at the wedding (we had a similar deal — close family and 3 friends each with their guests at the wedding). His mom’s friends wanted to throw us a shower. We ended up agreeing to the shower, and my husband came along because I literally only knew his mom, and he was the one her friends really cared about congratulating. We did invite all of those people to the casual reception, so that made me feel a bit better about it.

   2. I think this would be ok if your MIL lets her friends know that you are having a very small wedding. The invites could also say no gifts.

   3. Having married an only child, the shower is probably a big deal to his mom. Perhaps explain to her — or have him explain to her — that you’re concerned about the etiquette of hosting a shower when these people won’t be invited tot he wedding. Try to figure out a happy medium where you and she can be happy — e.g., a tea at a local restaurant or a small gathering at home?

      My MIL was clearly keeping track of the various showers she had gone to over the years, and I think she viewed our shower as part of that back-and-forth. Cancelling would have been a very BFD for us.

      1. This was true for my sister’s MIL’s church group ladies. Even though they were coming to the wedding, they wanted to throw a shower because they wanted to meet MIL’s future daughter in law. It was sweet of them, and apparently the first in the group, because MIL didn’t realize that you bring presents to showers. I went as moral support, but it was nice to meet the women my sister’s MIL socializes with (and if I ever want to move back home, a good networking group).

   4. My MIL threw us kind of a “hometown reception” type of thing AFTER we got married, so kind of the same thing. People gave us really terrible gifts and I think my MIL sent the thank you notes? It was weird but it was definitely something that she *really* wanted to do and good for us to have done, even though it felt awkward to us and we have never seen any of the people who were there either before or since.

      1. This exactly, right down to the ‘really terrible gifts’. They wanted me to re-wear my wedding dress and I said no, but otherwise played along.

         I think a lot of times the showers/parties surrounding weddings are a way for MILs/other family to relive their weddings, more than they are about you.

   5. I think this is probably more about your MIL than about you – in a good way. When I got married, my MIL had a similar shower for just her friends to “introduce me to their social circle”. I have done nothing since with her social circle and never seen 90% of the women again. It was basically an excuse for my MIL to throw an elegant brunch for her friends. It was the best ever – it gave her something to devote time and energy to rather than the actual wedding, it made her feel involved, and I think she really enjoyed it. There is a framed picture in her house of the group who attended, which I think she treasures because it is a lovely picture of her entire group of friends.

      Also, I think it may have smoothed some ruffled feathers with her friends who weren’t invited to the wedding? I did get a few comments about, “We’re so sad we won’t get to see how beautiful you look on the day, but at least we got to meet you!…” but since we were getting married in a different state, I didn’t think much of it.

      So, I have happy memories of that even though I felt really weird about being “showered” by strangers, and also sort of like I was at a job interview. It was definitely good for the long-term relationship with my MIL although I shared some of your feelings of discomfort in the short term.

   6. Maybe an Engagement Party in his hometown might do the trick? The purpose of a shower is to get gifts, but less so with an Engagement Party.

9. DC area people: does anyone have great recommendations for restaurants in/around Silver Spring (. . . maybe Bethesda) for a mid-week breakfast meeting? Thanks!

   1. There’s an Eggspectation cafe downtown Silver Spring that specializes in Breakfast. It’s pretty decent, but a bit pricy for breakfast (but I was spoiled by diner breakfasts for almost-nothing for many years, so my thought on what is “pricy for breakfast” is a bit off).

   2. Im not sure what your budget is but Mrs. K’s Tollhouse is one of my favorites in Silver Spring (its about a 3 minute drive from downtown) . Its an adorable mid-sized cottage turned restaurant and their breakfast is really good. They have a beautiful outdoor seating area (they also host weddings here) so if the weather is nice I highly recommend eating outside. In Bethesda, Cafe Deluxe is really great for brunch so I’m sure their breakfast is just as good.

      1. Thanks! Café Deluxe was my back-up plan so good call there. I’ll check out Eggspectation and Mrs. K’s.

         How about Busboys and Poets in Hyattsville? I’ve been to the one in Shirlington but not this one.

         1. There’s a new busboys and poets in Takoma Park, so a bit closer to silver spring than the hyattsville one.

         2. Busboys and Poets is great! Their food is amazing and I didn’t know they had a Takoma Park location now. So that is another great option I definitely recommend. I’ve been to all the other locations in DC and Hyattsville and the food and atmosphere is really nice at all of them.

10. I’m hesitant to bring this question to the group because it’s a sensitive one, but I’m hoping for a little reassurance.

    My husband and I have been married for about two years. I love him with all of my heart and am otherwise extremely happy with our relationship. The problem? I feel like we are sometimes out of sync s*xually. It’s happened on occasion since about two years into our relationship (we’ve been together about four years) but definitely more frequently in the past year or so.

    When I say we’re out of sync, I mean that we’ll start to get intimate and it feels like we just can’t get into the right groove for a little while–like our kissing styles are suddenly off or he’s too slow and sweet when I want something a little friskier, etc–and I have trouble getting into it. In part, this is because when this happens, I’ll get very “in my head” worrying about it and have more trouble connecting with him s*xually. Almost always, we overcome it once things get hotter and heavier and s*x becomes more imminent, but it throws me a lot and I get worried about what it all means. I will say that the s*x itself is very good and satisfying once we get there (though sometimes he has trouble finishing which makes me worry about being out of sync again).

    The major caveat that I have left out up until now is that we have been dealing with infertility struggles (and lots of IVF), and it’s taking its toll. I don’t feel very s*xual in general lately (though I worry part of it is an aversion to s*x because I’m afraid that we’ll not sync up and then I’ll tailspin) and definitely don’t feel as attractive as I used to. I’m preoccupied and rarely in the mood–even for solo activities, which used to be a big pasttime for me when I was single. That said, I feel like it’s a chicken and egg problem — maybe if things didn’t feel out of sync, I’d be in the mood all the time? Or maybe if I were feeling more s*xual, things would feel more in sync?

    This is the longest relationship I’ve been in and, sad as it sounds, I’m not used to being s*xual with someone who I have such a solid relationship with outside of the bedroom. Part of me fears I am just not used to those two things lining up.

    1. My SO and I have been together for 10 years and married for 6. We’ve been through patches like this, often when something big was happening in one or the other’s life (e.g. when he was unemployed, when I was going through a hellish time at work) or when something big was happening in our life together (e.g. when we were planning our wedding – I know, weird that it would make us feel out of sync with each other but it did). We do make an effort to talk about tough patches when we’re in them so that it doesn’t cause unnecessary worry for either of us, and demystifying helps. Every relationship is different, but for us these patches are normal, and don’t detract much from the very happy life we have together.

    2. IVF is very, very, very, very, very hard on relationships. Something about sex becoming medical, with people telling you when for years, is very difficult. I’d cut yourselves some slack, maybe consider counseling.

       1. +1. What I mean to add above is that going through IVF would definitely qualify as something big happening in your life together. I would almost expect it to have an impact on your relationship, including your s*x life.

          1. +1 to both IVF Veteran and Lawsuited. While you’re going through this rough patch with infertility, you might just need more cuddles and reassurance than you need the s*xytimes. That sounds pretty normal to me, honestly. Including the part where he has trouble finishing – have been there, too. Definitely talk to him and try to tell him what you need, and see if you can get him to talk a little about his needs, too. I think weird things start going on in men’s heads when they can’t do their “job” – I’ve never been exactly sure what those things are, TBH, but again, really sounds kind of normal from here.

    3. Have you talked to him about it? Just put it out there like you did to us: “Hey, lately sometimes I feel like we’re a tiny bit out of sync and I get all up in my head and worry about what it all means!” And see what he says.

       I am certain the infertility struggles are part of it, aren’t you? That is a whole big thing that takes s*x from being fun to being like work. And maybe if you have a conversation with your husband about it, you can both let some of those feelings out and share them and feel better about things.

       Also, I am always a big fan of individual counseling and when you are going through something as stressful as IVF it might be a good thing for you to look into.

       1. Thanks, Senior Attorney. I’ve broached the subject before, but usually in the moment, which has just thrown him and then made it more awkward. We can talk about anything, but this is definitely a sore spot because I’ve probably (unhelpfully and unintentionally) framed it as something he’s doing wrong. Still, his general reaction to our less frequent s*x is that things ebb and flow in a relationship and that we’re doing just fine and that I shouldn’t worry so much. Sometimes I have to press that, yes, it does bother me that my drive has gotten so low, even if he’s okay with it.

          And yes, I definitely think the IVF plays a big part, but this did happen before all of that started, too. Though we clearly had a good enough thing going to make it the full year we did before things felt out of sync–and then it was like an every 5 or 6 times kind of thing. It happens more when I’m not in the mood but am trying to get there. Increasingly, with the IVF stuff, I’m not really in the mood at all but try to get there every 7-10 days so that we maintain some sort of s*x life.

          1. I second SA’s advice. I know it’s hard, but try really, really hard not to bring it up in the moment. I imagine he remembers that and it makes it even harder, on top of all of your other stressors, to get in sync.

             When I was having sexual compatibility issues with an SO, I found that couples counseling was really instrumental in helping us talk about it in a non-confrontational or blaming (even unintentionally) way. Plus, it sounds like counseling period could be helpful for you as this is a really tough thing to be going through.

             1. I agree. It’s hard because I spend so much of my time before and after work going to the doctor that the idea of adding another weekly appointment seems like too much. But yes, I should try to prioritize therapy, if only for my own stress.

             2. I am really sorry you are going through this, but your mental health is just as important as your physical health and I do strongly believe mental health affects physical health.

             3. +1 to not bringing it up in the moment. I bring it up while we’re doing something low-key like making dinner together. I think I also do this because don’t want either of us to develop some sort of Pavlovian response by too closely associating s*x with awkward conversations about how we’re dissatisfied with our s*x life. Heh.

    4. Struggles with infertility and stress about timing and feeling screwed up about your reproductive system can definitely affect this! But I think it’s sometimes just really important to make a conscious effort to get out of your own head and try to just be in the moment – I struggle with this too. This is a lot easier when I’m relaxed and feeling more open and in the mood before hand – after a quiet afternoon together at home or just after 20-30 minutes sitting on the couch together having a glass of wine and watching the news. If I feel rushed to get in the mood it’s a lot tougher to snap out of my head and stop overprocessing every thought/action/feeling, but if I have the time to get there in a more leisurely way it’s like my brain calms down and lets things happen and everything feels more in sync.

    5. This is 100% what counseling is for. And if you aren’t comfortable going with him, start with just you to talk about your IVF anxiety.

    6. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and this still happens from time to time, where I feel weird making out. Like I’m just not that into it. It comes and goes, and at this point I just chalk it up to being a normal part of life and don’t worry about it. I also recommend just having one drink before doing it. If I’m feeling weird or stressed or awkward or tired, that little bit of alcohol is typically enough to let me get out of my own head and just enjoy what’s going on.

       1. I think that’s another part of it — I got very used to associating s*x with a drink or two when I was dating and now that I’m not drinking (because of the IVF), I feel more self-aware in a way that isn’t s*xy-feelings producing!

          1. Have a drink. You can drink while you’re doing IVF. Don’t let needless anxiety destroy your intimacy.

       2. Yup. 21st wedding anniversary is on Thursday. We didn’t deal with IVF, but we definitely have had times when we don’t sync up sexually for many different reasons. Part of normal long term relationship life, imo. If it’s a short term issue I just try to ride it out, but if it’s dragging on I talk to him about it. Also sometimes we try new things and break out of our rut. That helps too.

          Good luck with everything and remember to talk about it if you need to. Sometimes it seems we have a hard time talking about s3x (not sure if this is you) but it’s really important to do.

    7. I used to have trouble with this too, specifically I think the not being in the mood always makes it feel…off while on IVF. Have you tried Green Juice? It definitely worked to rev up my er wants when I started it (even after having some troubles). If you look into it with the Crazy, Sexy, Diet books you will actually see that the juice helps with these types of things. Amazing what Kale, Cucumbers, Lemon, and an Apple can do. Other than that, maybe read something right before bed to get you into the mindset. Even something like Jane Austin to make you feel all romantic and ready.

    8. I can’t offer any specific advice, but it seems that your real issues are the ones you discuss in the second half of that post (IVF, and a history of sex not being tied to love and long-term relationships). The problems you mention in the first half sound like a symptom – albeit a symptom that causes its own set of issues that need addressing.

       Good luck.

    9. Not sure if anyone is still reading this, but thanks so much for all of your thoughtful comments. It’s really made me feel much better. I think it’s hard for me to realize how much the IVF has taken a toll on me.

11. Laser Hair Removal question!

    Have any of you had laser hair removal, specifically in the bikini area? Has it lasted? What machine did you use that worked/ didn’t work? Any other advice or tips?

    FWIW, I have pale skin and thick, coarse, very dark hair so I think I’m a good candidate and want to get this taken care of. Just would love the best tips. Will also be living in Chicago for the next 2 years, so any recommendations there would be appreciated!

    1. I got laser done on my bikini area- I did the Brazilian actually. It was great. I had 10 treatments, the last of which was over a year ago. I still shave every week or so, but there aren’t many hairs so I don’t get razor bumps anymore. I could probably just tweeze the remaining hairs but it would hurt too much. I think I’ll get a touch-up treatment sometime in the next year. I’m getting my underarms done now.

       It’s so worth it! I also have light skin and dark hair.

    2. Have your first session in the fall bc you don’t want to be going in for treatments in the summer bc you need to keep the areas treated out of the sun. Have them set the laser to the highest setting you can stand (they can set it higher as the treatments progress and you have less hair). Give yourself a VERY close shave right before your treatment – the less hair gets zapped, the less pain. Wear loose comfy underwear after the treatment. The areas where I was the most sensitive and they used a lower setting are the areas with the most hair afterwards. Also, stick to the schedule of going in every 8 weeks. If you get off schedule, the results won’t be as good – a waste. I had 6 Brazilian sessions and I’m very happy as there’s far less hair. I still shave but don’t have to and it’s not irritating like shaving was before. One of these days, I plan to go back for a touch up and have additional areas treated.

12. Another wedding-related question. Ugh, it’s the never-ending season of weddings. My bf of 2 1/2 years is invited to 6 or 7 in the next year. I was taken by surprise recently when he didn’t get a plus one to an upcoming wedding. It’s out of town (a 7-8 hour drive) and on a long weekend. Is it strange that I was not invited with him? I’ve met these people several times and have stayed with them at a vacation home within the last year. I know I shouldn’t take it personally, but I’m a little annoyed. As I said, we’ve been dating for well over two years and are moving in together. I will probably see the couple within the next few months socially, and I’m worried about feeling awkward. Plus, if and when my bf and I get married, they will presumably be invited and it just rubs me the wrong way somehow. Am I being petty?

    1. Some people take the hard line that +1 is only mandatory for engaged/married couples. Weddings are expensive, you don’t know their list or budget. Also, they may have 20 friends that they want to be there, but can’t afford everyone to bring a guest. Or maybe they are trying to be fair and cut the list the same for everyone. I understand that it is somewhat unusual to do it this way, but it’s not a decision that is intended to be a slight.

       1. I should have added, both of their families are loaded (I’m talking serious money). Maybe they just want an intimate wedding.

          1. But just because the families have money doesn’t mean budget is endless. People handle weddings differently–perhaps the couple is paying for it themselves, perhaps they’re spending money on a down payment for a house, etc.

             1. It might not just be money. My husband and I planned and booked a venue, and at the last minute he changed his mind and decided he wanted to invite all his cousin’s children. Due to space limitations, there went the automatic plus-one. I wasn’t happy about it, but it was the way things shook out. (Luckily, we were able to invite one for everyone in a relationship at the time invites went out, and a few unexpected breakups meant we were able to accommodate some new relationships we didn’t know about when invites went out).

       2. Also, they invited at least one person with a plus one who is not engaged or married (but they live together).

          1. So apparently that was their dividing line: Plus ones for married, engaged, or living together. Generally I don’t think that’s a completely unreasonable place to draw the line. But yeah, given the fact that you’ve hung out with the couple AS a couple, I totally see how it stings. I’d be a little miffed, too.

             But all you can do is shrug it off and be a good sport going forward, right?

          2. In this case, I’m thinking it’s an honest oversight. People make mistakes, especially in the thick of wedding preparations. Your BF could politely inquire if you were inadvertently excluded.

             1. I would disagree. I don’t think it’s particularly cool, but some couples just make judgment calls on who is serious enough as a couple to get an invite (sometimes using living together or being engaged as a proxy). I think that’s totally their right, but as someone who recently planned a wedding, I highly doubt your exclusion was accidental. People think LONG and hard about who’s coming and who’s not. I would be really annoyed if someone inquired about a SO being invited when the invite made it clear he/she was not. It’s basically guilt tripping the person into inviting you. You could both skip the wedding if you’re that uncomfortable (which again, I get!).

    2. Personally, I gave everyone I invited to my wedding a plus one. I wouldn’t want anyone to have to come solo. That said, weddings are all about finances and making difficult decisions. It’s entirely possible that the couple involved in this one wedding had to cut all kinds of corners, and inviting you would have meant leaving out Great Aunt Milly. I wouldn’t take it personally. If finances and/or space were unlimited, I’m sure you would have been invited. Meanwhile, I feel badly for your bf who has to travel so far and will not have you in attendance with him!

    3. No, I don’t think you’re being petty. This used to drive me crazy and happened to me a lot when I was “just dating” people (sometimes for years). A lot of people think it’s acceptable to not invite couples unless they are married or engaged. I understand weddings are expensive but this seemed like a silly way to cut costs to me. Anyway, if I was invited and BF wasn’t, I often just didn’t go. Those that I declined weren’t from my inner circle and I didn’t feel like going to an event like a wedding without my SO. On occasion I was invited to very small weddings without a date – those I gladly went to as keeping numbers really small is hard. But for the average 100-150+ wedding, I’d decline. So that would be my advice, if the couple getting married doesn’t extend a plus-1 and you aren’t great friends, send regrets and a gift. Your BF may feel differently and that’s okay too.

       1. This also happened to me twice when I was in a serious relationship with a guy, and it also drove me crazy, particularly since some of his friends who were getting married had been really close with his ex. Said guy was even a groomsman for one of the weddings and I still wasn’t invited. I wouldn’t blame you if it made you less interested in seeing these people in the future.

          Now that I’ve planned a wedding (to a different guy), I still don’t get it. Yes, weddings can be expensive. But in the scheme of things, a few more guests are probably not going to break the bank. I think at our wedding — 150 people — there was only 1 attendee who wouldn’t have been there if we hadn’t invited BFs / GFs. His presence cost us an extra $150. Big whoop.

          1. Nancy P – my thoughts exactly, especially after getting married too (I eloped but had a dinner party that was small and had to manage the guest list but I felt so strongly that everyone should have a date, that just drove who made the cut – close friends only and they had the option. No one who didn’t have a serious person brought a date, so I think the concerns about “randoms” are really overblown, and the added cost can be dealt with elsewhere (have fewer flowers or compromise on something else)).

    4. I would have your BF ask. I’ve received a couple invites with just me on the invite, and when I’ve asked I’ve been told (a) We wanted to keep it small, but it’s turning out smaller than we thought, so he’s more than welcome, and (b) Sure, no problem! In both of these cases the friends have been good enough such that I would have gone without BF if they said no.

       1. His first reaction was call his buddy, but I told him not to because it would be so awkward for him if his buddy was like “yep, she’s not invited, sorry.”

          1. If it’s his friend, and that was his inclination, I’d let him do it. It doesn’t need to be awkward if the answer is “no,” (just say “okay, well I just thought I’d check”) and I do think there’s a chance it’s an oversight. His friend, his call on how to handle it.

       2. Don’t ask to go to a wedding. I think it’s discourteous to extend the invitation without including you, but this solution is fighting rudeness with rudeness.

          This exact situation happened to me and my SO (then boyfriend, now husband) several years ago. My SO was very upset because he was the only guy who was invited to the bachelor party (i.e. the pool of close friends) who didn’t get a plus-one. My revenge was letting him pick out the gift without my input.

       3. So I sort-of agree that it’s a bit rude to ask (even though I’ve clearly done it). And it’s been awkward when I’ve asked. The way I see it, however, is that it’s way more rude to just add the person to your RSVP line without asking. Also, we were all friends such that if I asked and they said “no,” neither I nor they would be offended for more than 60 seconds, and awkwardness in asking has been kindness in response. Friends give each other 5 seconds of rudeness on occasion in exchange for being flexible with them if they’re between a rock and a hard place (i.e. a hard-stop guest list).

    5. When I was planning my wedding, we needed to keep the total number of guests at 80, so we didn’t give our single friends a “+1”. We were much younger then, and none of our friends had serious boyfriends/girlfriends, so any +1s would have been a random (to us) person. My sister recently got married, and she didn’t give +1s either, but invited girlfriends/boyfriends that they knew by name.

       Try not to take it too personally. Almost all couples getting married struggle to keep their guest lists in check, and sometimes have to use seemingly arbitrary rules (engaged/married vs. not engaged/married) to do so.

    6. Was it the Save the Date or the invite? I know for our wedding we didn’t mention plus ones on the save the date in case the couple broke up in the 6 months between the Save the Date and the wedding. Invites we did write the plus ones name on because the invite goes out 8 weeks before the wedding.

       Any joint friend that you can have ask? We have had people ask us, and believe me thats a lot less awkward than having a guest (who didn’t have a plus one) tell you in person that they bought a plane ticket for their girlfriend of two weeks and now you have to find room for that person at your wedding.

       1. it was the invite itself. We asked a joint friend (the one who lives with his gf but is not engaged yet) and his gf was included on the invite. My bf and I don’t live together yet but are moving in together this week, actually. This is someone who is a good friend of my bf but I wouldn’t say it’s one of his best friends.

          1. Another way around it is to have your boyfriend email the couple and be like can “So exited for the wedding! I am trying to figure out where I am going to stay – can you tell me who else is coming to the wedding in our friend group so I can maybe coordinate driving or rooming with them?” Maybe this would help them realize wait a second why would he need a roommate if he is bringing his GF. Did we not invite his GF?

             Or have another friend do it – and see if your name ends up on the list.

             1. I think this is a good suggestion, assuming the boyfriend is committed to going even if OP isn’t invited. If he’s thinking he might decline if she isn’t invited, this won’t really work. And no judgment either way.

    7. I’d probably have him ask to make sure you were not invited. My friend was recently married and did not put my live-in BFs name on the save the date or on the couple’s shower invite, but when I attended the couple’s shower alone, they asked where my BF was. Obviously an error on their part, but possibly goes to show that these mistakes can happen.

    8. Yes. It’s strange and rude.

    9. I also think it’s rude of them. If I were your BF, I’d decline and say “I have 6-7 weddings this year and had to choose and my GF and I are going to the ones we can make into a fun together. I’m sure you appreciate that attending weddings is expensive.” Or, if going really matters bc this is a very close friend, I’d fly in the day of the wedding and fly out early the morning after and not make a long weekend out of it without my significant other.
       I do echo some other comments that your age matters. This is more excusable in your early and mid 20s when parents of the bride and groom are more likely to be paying the entire bill and Plus Ones are more likely to be used on short term relationships and the rehearsal is more likely to be a college reunion party. As you approach your 30s and after 30, I find it unacceptable (I got married at 33 and every single had a plus one regardless of whether they were seeing anybody). Cost is a terrible excuse. In my opinion, you should find other ways to make your wedding affordable or have a family-only ceremony rather than treat the people you do invite – and who will go to considerable expense to attend – in this manner.

    10. So as of next week, you’ll be living together, but you’re not invited to a wedding with a couple that you’ve vacationed with.

        Your boyfriend should reply “no” to the invite, and write a note along the lines of “Thank you for your invite, and Susie and I wish you the best on your wedding weekend, but I unfortunately have to decline. It’s a long trip to make by myself and, at this point, I take all of my vacations with Susie.”

        Now, I don’t care if he climbed Mount Everest by himself; he has to either head to this far-away place without you, or bring you and ditch you during the wedding. If they want him to come, THEY can call him up and explain the oversight.

13. Husband and I would like to get preapproved for a mortgage. Can we just go to our regular bank for that and then shop around for a better rate if we actually need the mortgage? Or do we need to do all of that craziness now before we even know for sure that we’ll be making any offers this year?

    Also, we are also looking to open a new credit card. Any reason to do one before the other? I know each credit check has a small effect on your credit history but we both have good scores so I don’t anticipate this should make a large dent.

    1. Absolutely shop around for a mortgage. There are mortgage companies that are more competitive than the big banks and some primarily service in-house, so you don’t have to deal with mortgage servicing transfers. If you think you’re going to buy a house this year, get preapproved now. See if you can get that rate locked in, as well, because interest rates will more than likely be going up in September.

       Where I live, it’s absolutely a sellers market and no seller would consider an offer from a buyer that wasn’t pre-approved for the purchase price of the house.

       1. I guess my question is should I really shop around now when we are just starting the process and may not buy, or just get a preapproval for purposes of making an offer and really worry about shopping around when we are ready to buy. A friend who recently bought a place said she just got a preapproval and then ended up getting a great rate from another bank when she was actually ready to buy. Obviously, we wouldn’t just go with the first rate to actually take the mortgage without making sure there isn’t something lower out there.

          1. It’s good to get relationships in place now – especially if you have any deviation from standard two-wage earner employment, or if you have high levels of debt or other assets that will need to be taken into account. Talk to someone at your bank, but also call brokers or competing banks/companies. Ask them how long it typically takes to close a loan, who covers if they are on vacation, how long it takes to get appraisals, etc. You can also have them work up a nonbinding estimate so you have an accurate idea about closing costs and the cash you will need on hand. They can also write pre-approval letters for you.

             But you can’t get an actual approval or a rate lock until you have a contract, so you will be able to shop around more once you find a house you love.

             As for the credit card, a lot depends on how much other debt you have. It can cause a hiccup if you open credit too closely to when you want to take out a mortgage, especially if you are close to the allowable debt-to-income ranges.

             1. Thanks. We have substantial student loans but no credit card debts and always pay off balances on time. We want a joint card because we currently use separate cards and want to have one card for all our joint expenses.

          2. Yes you should get a preapproval letter if you are seriously home shopping. What preapproval letter you submit with your offer depends on your market. Where I worked as an agent, it was customary to get a preapproval letter that was specific to the dollar amount of the offer you were making. You didn’t want your letter to show more than you were offering. Regardless of the preapproval letter, in most states you have a set number of days to submit your loan application from date of contract and you can go wherever you want to get financing. I would speak to several lenders/loan officers now and get a general idea of what programs might be best for you, then pick two or three to give paperwork to in order to get true rates (understanding that they can only lock them in for so long).

             As for the new credit card, unless you really need it, I would hold off until after you buy. But again, I am not a lender or a loan officer, so check with them first to be sure.

             1. Oh, whatever you do, do not open a new card in the time period between contract and closing. Lenders do a soft pull 5 or so days before closing and don’t like to see changes in your profile.

    2. I opened a credit card shortly before I got my mortgage, and I had to write a letter explaining why (uh… I wanted to get 40% off at Banana Republic…). Other than that it was no problem.

       And yeah, definitely shop around and get preapproved by the lender you will want to use.

    3. I got preapproved by a different lender than the one I ultimately ended up choosing, so it’s really not a big deal if you wait until you actually need a mortgage to do the serious shopping.

    4. If you’re in a competitive market you may want to shop for a mortgage early. We did a 30 day close and there really wasn’t any extra time to shop after the offer was accepted. We needed to order the appraisal right away to meet the contigency. You may have more time in slower markets.

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