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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.1
I love the colors in this abstract print from Nic + Zoe. Button-up shirts can be tricky fit-wise, but I do think that slouchier fabrics like this make them a little easier to wear.
I would layer this blouse under a black suit for a formal day or tuck it into some dark trousers for a more casual but still pulled-together look.
The blouse is $158 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS–XXL and 1X–3X.
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Estate planning
Question for any T&E lawyers or parents: what’s the best way to protect a 529 in the case of a parent death? Specifically, we’re estate planning and want to make sure that the money we have saved and inherited from our respective families goes to our biological children, who share a 529, owned by one parent with the other parent taking ownership in case of death. Scenarios to prevent against: surviving spouse adds later step or bio children as beneficiaries or that a surviving spouse later dies and the 529 goes to a second spouse instead of original kids. Ideally we’d like death of either parent (even if not the 529 owner) to immediately make our kids the owners of the account but I don’t think that’s really a thing. I know you can’t plan for everything but would love to hear how others approach this.
Anonymous
Isn’t this a question you should be paying your T&E lawyer to answer?
Anonymous
It absolutely is!
Anon
Exactly! Estate law is different by state, and a T&E lawyer will know what options and contingencies to plan for.
Anon
This. The answer to this also interacts with other parts of your estate plan. Do you have life insurance and a trustee? You don’t want the scenario wherein you leave your spouse a pile of money that should be used for your kids, and it gets wiped out by a new spouse (overspending, divorce and she gets half because it wasn’t maintained as separate property, etc).
Anon
When you are asking a legal question on an open forum, it is a better idea to ask “what kinds of questions should I ask my lawyer?” As an example, I am a criminal lawyer and have a family member with a medical problem in the army. I asked a veteran lawyer friend for a recommendation for a military lawyer and what it is we should be expecting from that lawyer.
lifer
Sounds like you need to make an appointment with an Estate lawyer to draw up a will and Trust for how funds should be inherited in the case of each parents’ passing. This is commonly done, and your state’s laws about 529s may be different.
Anonymous
I need a new desk chair for my work from home set up. Are Steelcase or Aeron worth the price? I think I’m willing to spend that much ($1400-ish) if it will last for 10 years and be comfortable. Any other suggestions?
Anonymous
What’s worthwhile about Aeron is that it comes in multiple sizes, so if you have short legs like me you can get a chair that doesn’t cut off your circulation.
Anonymous
Agreed. I bought an Aeron for home after having one in my office. I’m petite and lots of office chairs are not comfortable. I love it and don’t regret it. Some things are worth the extra money.
Anon
Yes, this is the best thing about the Aeron! It’s also amazing to have a chair where I can actually use the arm rests. I honestly hadn’t ever realized that you were actually supposed to be able to be able to use them for anything but decorative purposes, they were so far away from my arms in every other chair I’ve ever sat in. I’m 5’3″, which is only an inch shorter than the average American woman, but it’s so rare to have things that are actually designed to fit someone my size. Pretty much everything I interact with is a much better fit for my 6′ husband (even in airline seats my feet don’t rest comfortably on the ground and my head doesn’t reach the head rest so it gets pushed out awkwardly). So the Aeron chair gets my best design award for actually being made to fit people of multiple sizes!
Anokha
I bought a used Steelcase Think chair and I absolutely love it.
Daffodil
I bought a Steelcase Series 1 chair a few years ago and love it. It did not cost $1400 – I think closer to $400 or $500.
Anon
One of the benefits of the big brands (Steelcase, Herman Miller, Knoll) is that they often warranty and sell the parts separately, which can increase the lifespan of the chair.
NY CPA
My Steelcase Think chair is absolutely worth its price. During the early days of COVID, I bought a similar looking chair for about $250 from Staples, but I ended up herniating a disc in my spine, which the PT said was likely due to long hours in a not-very-ergonomic chair. Even adding ergonomic cushions to the seat and back didnt help that chair. I ended up buying a Steelcase Think from an office furniture reseller, and paid probably $350 for it. Looking back, even the full price for it would have been worth it. But if you’re comfortable with it, do take a look at used office furniture stores, FB marketplace, Ebay, etc. and you can get 50% off the retail price or more.
Anon
I have a HM Aeron at work and their Embody at home. I prefer the bounce-factor that the Embody provides, but that is not for everyone. If you have a used office furniture place nearby and aren’t picky about colors, you can usually find either of these for much less than the new retail cost. Unless you are particularly hard on your furniture, I would expect either of these to easily make the 10 year mark.
Believer
Yes. Consider size and what you really want. I thought I wanted HM for the style factor, but I am very narrow and couldn’t get one to fit my body after trying several Aerons and other styles. Instead I ended up with a Steelcase Gesture which is adjustable in just about every way and now I have armrests that actually function instead of being too far away from me to use. I have had it a couple of years now and it looks as good as the day I got it (leather version). It was worth every penny and I would buy another without question. I never think about it until I go into the office on occasion and sit in a regular desk chair and the difference is unbelievable.
Anonymous
Worth buying used. There’s a glut of high end office furniture (and office space) due to the WFH shift. Like warehouses full of the stuff
Anonymous
My new health insurance will give me a credit for completing a personal health record. I don’t trust health insurance companies as far as I can throw them. Is this information they have otherwise and they’re doing it because they think it will incentivize steps that will reduce my eventual health care useage and is to my benefit, or is then paying me a small amount now to screw me later?
Anon
Read the privacy notice carefully to see how they will use (themselves) and share (with others) your data. Most likely, they will give or sell your data as part of a larger aggregated and anonymized set for research. That seems OK to me. But see if it will be used to process your claims or direct your treatment in any way.
Anon
Your insurance company isn’t entitled to that information without your permission and once you give it up, you cannot get it back. Is whatever credit they offer enough that you are comfortable with your details being in possession of an industry that will absolutely use them to maximize their own profit at your expense to the full extent they can?
Anon
I wouldn’t sell my information for a credit.
NYNY
If you work for a large employer, they are likely self-insured and the insurance company is using aggregated employee health information so estimate future expenses. That said, I never voluntarily share health or fitness data with my employer or insurance company because it is not anonymized, and even if it can’t legally be used against me now, laws can change.
anon
Hard pass.
Anon
How much do you have to disclose? Can you create a record to get the health credit without actually disclosing any info they don’t already have?
Anonymous
This type of practice is disgusting and should be illegal. At my last employer, they had a health questionnaire like this. They brought in a whole medical team to take BP, height, weight, and a finger prick for something… cholesterol I think. They heavily pressured everyone to participate, there was an incentive (pizza I think?) for offices that had 100% participation, and my office was small enough that everyone would know if you were the holdout. The form also asked for a blood panel to be completed outside of the office, though that wasn’t required for the pizza party or whatever.
I (somewhat naively) asked when my doctor would be receiving this information. I thought maybe it could take the place of my annual physical, save me the cost and inconvenience of bloodwork and an appointment. Nope your doctor isnt getting this info. In fact I’m not sure they would’ve even given me the blood work results if I’d gotten it done (I didn’t). The insurance company is going to look at your results but they’re not going to tell you if there’s a problem. If you want that info, go get another blood panel done so we can charge you for it and for the doctor’s appointment to tell you what it means.
Anon
I’ve worked for a couple of companies where they pitched this kind of a program as a way to “save money on insurance,” and because I could never figure out, by reading the disclaimers in the agreement, where the information would end up or what they would do with it, I have always declined. I prefer to keep my health records confidential between myself, my health care providers, and the people at the insurance company who need to know. I do not trust insurance companies or employers not to do something nefarious with the information in the future.
anon
My very large employer offers this, a discount on your annual premium if you complete a health screening at lab corp or have your doctor send your vitals (height, weight, blood work results). They say it’s aggregate but no way.
I am a hard pass on this. If you’re pregnant you can get a medical exemption and still get the discount so I did that in the past.
I would never trust my employer or insurance with this data even aggregated, to others point – laws may change and I’ll keep whatever I can to myself, TYVM.
OP
Thanks for validating my distrust!
Anonymous
I would pass. The right keeps challenging various Obamacare provisions, and asking that the whole act get tossed. Obamacare is what requires insurers to take all applications on the open market, rather than rejecting those from people with pre-existing conditions. If it’s overturned, and you need private insurance, you have just given your insurer an excuse to jettison you.
Anon
I’m planning to incorporate an LLC for a (not legal) side hustle. Any tips? I’m especially interested in whether I should pay for a registered agent in my state or serve in that role myself, as well as your experiences with tax implications.
Anon
Not legal meaning not a PLLC legal practice-just realized that could be read very differently!
Anon
Darn it! I was all excited for the tea.
Anokha
I had so many questions!!
Anonymous
+1 was so excited for OP to explain this!
Anon
I know, I was so excited to hear about someone’s illegal side hustle; now I’m disappointed
Anon
What does “the tea” mean in this context?
Deedee
gossip or information
think stuff you say informally or casually over a cup of tea with a friend
Anonymous
Gossip. “Spilling the tea” is slang for gossiping/sharing the scoop.
Anon
And also that we thought OP was setting up an LLC for an illegal business and we wanted the juicy deets
anon
LOL, I did a double-take when I first read that.
Anon
How big do you think this side hustle will be? An LLC is a PITA to have. Inside hustled for years and just paid taxes under my personal SSN. If you’re doing something risky where you really have legal exposure that you’re trying to wall off with an LLC that’s a different story (and I might rethink the venture as not worth it).
helloanon
I think this is state dependent. I have a LLC set up and it has been super simple. No separate tax filing – the LLC income gets included on my personal return. I used a registered agent to keep my personal info private on the sec of state website. Other than renewal fees to the agent and a PO box rental through USPS (again, wanting to protect my privacy), there’s no administrative upkeep, at least in my state.
Anon
I’ve formed personal LLCs before and it’s really not that much of a PITA in my experience. Your state form is likely incredibly easy to complete and if it will be a sole member LLC you don’t need a membership agreement. I wouldn’t pay for a lawyer to form it (waste of money – said by a lawyer who has been paid to do it) or a registered agent unless you think there is a high likelihood someone is going to serve you or you will forget to file your paperwork yearly. I had one when working as a real estate agent and did not get a registered agent and it was fine.
I will say that you should 100% consult an accountant before you form anything so you understand how you need to manage your taxes. Filing estimated quarterly really isn’t that hard if you set up a system to track and remind yourself.
Also, get a separate bank account for the LLC or having one is kind of useless (commingling funds).
Anonymous
you may want to check around at law schools – sometimes they have programs where students (under supervision) help you form an LLC. I worked with Cornell (long time ago now, though!).
Anonymous
You should talk to your accountant. I have some friends who have LLCs and W-2 themselves but I’m not in the weeds enough to know why it’s done that way or if there’s a minimum income threshold for that to make sense. You can set up the LLC or corporation by yourself and you can be your own registered agent.
Anon
I have an LLC for my hustle, which is not my hustle. I pay Legal Zoom to be my registered agent and I pay my state’s LLC tax myself every year. It’s totally worth it to me to protect my personal assets and home from any litigation related to my business – chances are remote but I’m a careful person.
Anon
*which is not my SIDE hustle. It’s my job.
anon
It’s embarrassing to admit, but I’m struggling a lot with being envious of a good friend. The details are not that relevant, other than to say that I feel like she has an easier time with many of the things that are major pain points in my life. I realize that she has other things that are probably harder for her, but IDK, it pushes my buttons when she’s talking up these particular struggle-bus areas and how she and her family are positively thriving! She’s generally a well-intentioned person but I don’t think she realizes how it comes across to someone who isn’t in her situation. And it’s my problem, but I find myself not confiding in her anymore because I’ve come to expect her to not get what I’m talking about.
As for addressing my own pain points, I have. To the extent that I can. Some things can be made a little better but are never going to be “fixed.” One example: Her complete cluelessness about what it’s like to balance parenthood with a full-time job that’s fairly taxing. She works 10-15 hours a week, on her timeline, because her DH is a high earner. She was a SAHM until her kids were in middle school. For me, part-time work is not an option and it does affect how much I am willing to do and take on outside of my job, which activities my kids can do, etc.
Add in a few other pain point areas, and I find myself being low-key annoyed with her more often than I should. I’m happy she has a good life, truly! I don’t want to feel envious, but I do. I’ll own this as a me problem; I’m just not sure how to get past it. My least favorite thing is when I speak up and explain the reality of a situation, and she tries to come up with all these workarounds that I’ve either considered or will cause another issue.
Anon
For your last sentence, have you tried telling her when you just want to vent? She is trying to be a good friend – help her direct that usefully.
Anon
I agree with this. I’ve had the same jealousy struggles, and sometimes that’s magnified when I feel like the person who can’t understand is giving me advice. Let her know you want to vent and be supported instead of given suggestions. I think that will go a long way toward repairing the feelings of invalidation.
Anon
If she is a good friend, I would talk to her about how you are feeling and see if you can come up with a solution together. I am a fixer and have had to pull that way back and ask if someone actually wants my advice before I give it. I also know my life is a lot easier in a lot of ways and although I am not living it AT my friends who may be in a more challenging phase of life, I would want to know how it’s making them feel and see if we can’t find a middle ground that allows both of us to get some of what we need. Friendships get challenging as people move into different phases of life and circumstances are different, but I would hate for one of my good friends to back away from our friendship without giving me a chance to examine and potentially modify my behavior even if I am not doing anything wrong, you know? I care about my friends and I care about their feelings and I can shift my discussions to other people or talk about things in different ways and still get my needs met, but I can only do that if I know about it!!
Anonymous
So I’ve been on both sides of this. My BFF went back to work part time while I went back full time in a super busy job. I now work part time and another friend has just gotten promoted and works easily 60+ hours.
On either side, what has always helped is when people own their choices. Like we are currently a one car family with a 6 year old Civic. I’m not going complain about that to my friend who works full time with two nice new cars. It’s a choice. And I don’t have a lot of patience for another friend who complains about how she wishes she could work part time but doesn’t make the change. Like you’re not a better or worse mom based on how much you work or don’t work. But everything is a choice. Like unless you’re in a one bedroom apt without health insurance and can’t afford a bus pass, it’s a choice. Own the choice. You can still vent about challenges associated with the choice. But if you keep saying you ‘can’t’ then it implies you want to and she will keep making suggestions on how you ‘can’.
anon
I’ve never told her that I “can’t” quit my job. But I have been very honest when the logistics of having 2 working parents make it very difficult to do something she thinks is great or that my kids would love. Sure, they probably would! I’ve told you why that doesn’t work for our family. At some point, read the room?
Anonymous
I mean I would find this annoying from anyone. If she can’t take “ oh travel soccer isn’t practically feasible for us” as an answer and keeps pressuring you that your kids are missing out that borders into kind of questioning your parenting which is a hard no for me personally. (I dropped a friend after the second ridiculous “joke” about me being a bad mom.) are you really struggling with jealousy or is she phrasing things in a way that makes it seem like you’re a crummy parent? There’s a huge difference there.
Anon
It really isn’t a choice for a lot of people and that’s kind of a smug place to come from.
anon
I absolutely don’t view it as a choice. If we’re going to have a savings account for when sh!t hits the fan and be able to support ourselves in retirement, then yes, 2 incomes are necessary for our family of 4.
Anonymous
How is that not a choice? We’d have 200K more in our savings account. If we hadn’t t each taken a year off work after the twins. Choices.
Anon
If you can’t see how privileged your response is about $200K savings there’s no hope of explaining people who are not wealthy to you.
Anonymous
Oh please.
Anonymous
Yep. Access to health insurance and a bus pass are not the same thing and it speaks volumes about privilege to breathe that in the same sentence.
Anonymous
Yes – a lot less freedom in US where you cannot rely on healthcare. But then it’s a choice to live there instead of a more developed country.
Anon
“Yes – a lot less freedom in US where you cannot rely on healthcare. But then it’s a choice to live there instead of a more developed country.”
Hey, if you know of a country that will let my husband and I immigrate and become citizens so we can take advantage of free healthcare, just because we want to leave the U.S., please let me know! Countries that have socialized medicine don’t seem to be open to Americans immigrating there just for funsies – I know because we’ve looked. In fact, I do not have a choice to stay in America vs. going to a “more developed country” and that you would think that is laughable. And that you actually had the audacity to post that comment is even worse.
Anonie
To your last point, make sure you understand why you are complaining to her, if you don’t want to brainstorm solutions. Is it just to vent? Get her to sympathize? Whatever it is, then tell her. “Larla, when I complain to you about XYZ situation, I’d really just like you to agree with me about how much it sucks, not try to fix it for me – usually I’ve thought through every possible solution and there’s nothing that would work, so when you try to offer suggestions, it just makes me more upset.” If that’s not something you’re willing to be honest about, maybe consider why.
I totally get how part time or SAHMs can be annoying and hard to be close friends with as a FT working mom, truly. But I don’t think of it as them having a better/easier life. I think of it as them having less capacity and ability than I do, and I kind of get a sense of pride from that, TBH. I think it may be because I am satisfied with how my life is going, so comparisons don’t invite envy or dissatisfaction. So to the extent you don’t like your life generally, not just in comparison to your friend, fix what you can. In other words, it’s not about your friend – it’s about the fact that in some ways you’re unhappy.
Anonymous
Wow. ‘Less capacity or ability’? Judgmental much?
Anon
Damn, it doesn’t sound like you like or respect your friends very much.
Anon
I have an ultra-wealthy friend who’s a kind person but she just can’t relate to normal-people problems. She doesn’t understand what it’s like to have constraints on money, time, or emotional bandwidth. I don’t vent to her or ask her for advice. She’s lovely and I enjoy our friendship, it’s just different than my relationship with other peers.
Anon
I had a bunch of working mom friend who used to have a monthly dinner. We all had school-aged kids. One friend brought a college friend along once who 1) didn’t work, 2) had a kid she was still nursing, and 3) had no school-aged kids, and had local family so she never had to bother her husband when she wanted to do something solo. I felt like I had nothing to say — all of the conversations I had wanted to finally have with someone living a similar life were completely n/a. “There is this fun cooking class that’s Thursdays at 3 and I can go and still have dinner ready for when Matt gets home.” is hard to get an answer to when I’m more “G-d invented pizza delivery for a reason.”
But life is hard like that. Some people easily get pregnant when they want (and even when they don’t) and no amount of science helps others. It’s not fair. Expecting fairness is a recipe for being unhappy.
anon
Oh yeah, that completely changes the dynamic of the group. I would be pretty upset about that addition. I’m sure she’s lovely but omg, she sounds a LOT like the friend I am complaining about, lol. Cool that you go to Orange Theory every day for the 8 a.m. class! Meanwhile, I’m up at 5:30 to do my workout so I can be in the office at 8.
Anon
Yeah, it’s hard for someone to be “we travel as a family in early October because the weather is the best and there are no crowds” when you are deep into school / work / 4th quarter finance drama and your spouse also works (not to mention how a lot of people do that divorced or juggling elder care or the nanny quits or whatever). I’d love to be Daphne in Season 2 of White Lotus but it’s not my lot in life (and OMG I would hate to be trapped with a cheating husband). It does look so nice from the outside though.
Anonymous
I mean I live a good working mom stress venting session but truly there’s so much more to life. I want to hear about whether your first grader likes his teacher, where you got those cute shoes and if orange theory as is hard as it sounds…ok and also if there are handsome instructors. Work and kids take up so much of my bandwidth it’s so draining to only discuss the struggles. Being around joyful people who discuss fun cooking classes and other lighthearted things, whether or not their lives are actually easy, is fun and it fills my cup.
Anonymous
You can talk about cooking even if you can’t go to a specific class. If you don’t cook you can talk about food/restaurants. Not hard.
Anon
Oh, I love a joyful person. But not “I’m really tired because I am still nursing” as 80% of what she said all night. She sat next to me at dinner and it seemed like maybe she needed a recharge or just to go to dinner with her friend vs being a new person in a very specific group.
Anonymous
“I think of it as them having less capacity and ability than I do”
I was a SAHM for a few years, and just got a great laugh out of that statement, thanks!
By the way, “I kind of get a sense of pride from that” is really not the win you think it is.
Anon
I hear you. If there were a mute button, it would just make me so much less distracted by this noise. For me, I oversee a program for high school girls. One is very Tracy Flick and lately has taken to bragging how her mom has the perfect job (IRL: spends 10ish hours a week at a “job” that seems crafted to make her look like “noble martyr mommy savior” in a ton of local magazines while I know that her 501c3 status was denied, which is really rare). I know the people and they aren’t evil, but just inflate what they do while other people are busy doing real work (I think that this was designed to give kid a “leadership” role in something for her college application and this is a far cry from what working actually looks like — kid will be in for a shock with how jobs really are). I’d be happier not biting my tongue as much and can’t wait to roll off of this commitment in another month, so the tongue biting can stop.
anon
Ugh, that sounds very annoying.
Anon
My state’s motto is the Latin for “to be, rather than to seem.” There is a lot of “seeming” out there.
Anonymous
I really struggle with this with a friend who shares a much loved hobby but for various reasons has much more time and resources to devote to it. I’m always happy when it’s going well for her but she almost makes out it’s a hobby for me where as she’s more ‘serious’ about it and it does make me feel bad. I guess it’s all relative and even the most successful well off people still have gripes about their life. People always suggest bringing it up but I can’t imagine how that conversation would go.
anon
That really sucks. It is hard when the comparison is so direct.
Anon
I hear you, I really do. I have friends where things just seem to happen so easily for them – meeting a great guy, getting married, great career, having kids, buying the house. I just don’t understand why good things happen to other people and not to me.
Anon
Same here. We don’t know everyone’s struggles and all, but there are genuinely some people who just have it easier in life. There are people who get things we want in ways that aren’t fair (even if they did nothing wrong!)
Sometimes it can be a struggle for me to accept this and be happy with my life as it is!
Anon
Absolutely. And everyone says the same thing – everyone has struggles, you don’t know what’s really going on in someone’s life. And that’s true, but objectively some people just kind of soar through life while some people (me) struggle every day. I don’t get it.
Anon
Y’all don’t want to hear this, but some of you are completely in an “external locus of control” mindset and that’s why things never go the way you want them to. https://www.mindtools.com/am8v6ux/locus-of-control
Anon
100%. Choosing not to be a victim of your own circumstances is amazingly powerful.
Anon
I don’t think that experiencing periodic jealousy means a person is a victim of their own circumstances or anything else. It just means the person is human. That’s why there are stories about the topic that are as old as time. Obviously if it’s impairing a person’s ability to be generally content or function, then they should seek help. But above, I was simply expressing empathy that others struggle with this as well. Maybe the two of you don’t have jealous thoughts sometimes, but I bet you have other negative thoughts or feelings that I don’t normally experience.
anon
Operative word being “seem”. I seem like I have a lot of s h it figured out and going for me, but only one of my friends knows about my 3 year and counting fertility battle. Its’ a choice not to share, sure, but you often have no clue what’s going on in someone’s world. Have a little grace?
Anon
Having periodic feelings of jealousy doesn’t make someone a bad person, and it doesn’t mean they’re not acting with grace and compassion toward their friends.
Anon
I have a good friend like this who I genuinely love, but have to work hard on not getting competitive and/or envious of her. When I start to feel like I can’t enjoy our friendship or come away from our conversation second guessing things either of us said, it’s time for me to diversify, and spend more time with other friends where I don’t feel this way. I tend to gravitate towards my friend bc we have an incredibly fun time together, but when I find myself feeling toxic about things in her life, I intentionally look for other friends to spend time with.
SMC - San Diego
My take: There will always be people whose lives are “easier” than yours and there will always be people whose lives are harder. By virtue of the fact that you are an educated woman living in a developed country with a job and a family and the capacity to post here, the latter group vastly outnumbers the former. That does not mean you do not have problems or should not be allowed to talk about your problems. It does not mean your friend does not have problems and should not be allowed to talk about her problems. If you want to vent rather than brainstorm, by all means tell her that. Otherwise, comparison truly is the thief of joy. Make that your mantra.
I realize that is easier said that done. I was a single parent (by choice!). And to be completely honest I often internally roll my eyes when people here or IRL talk about how parenting and having a full-time, demanding job is just impossible without a committed co-parent or lots of paid help (it is not). But it helps to recognize that (1) people’s capacity expands to meet their available challenges and they will generally always feel that they could not do more – even through they absolutely could and (2) people like to complain and will always find something to complain about.
Anon
Oh man, your last paragraph rings so true – I give a giant eyeroll when people here talk about how it’s impossible to have kids on less than $300k a year or how they need to save $5 million for retirement. I make a fraction of what other people here make – my yearly salary is probably some lawyer’s bonus – and I still manage okay.
NYCer
This is so well put.
Anon
Agree with all of this.
Anon
Whenever I have an envious take, I think would I actually want to trade lives wholesale, like Freaky Friday, and the answer is always no. My advice is just accept that you’re living differently and take the opportunity to hear her struggles too. If you’re both deeper with your conversations, the gloss comes off and you can have a more meaningful relationship.
Anon
This is a really helpful perspective – not the op but thanks
Anon
I say this as a generally overly tolerant person who has friends who span the income, educational, and political spectrums: I am just done with these types of people. We are grown adults; either have some perspective on your situation and empathy for people who have different/harder lives, or go back to kindergarten when they first tried to teach you this basic concept.
Flame away.
Anon
Eh, you’re only hearing this tale through OPs jealous lens. Odds are low this friend is not empathetic. And is probably just trying to help. Listening to a friend vent over and over again is just exhausting and better for a therapist.
anon
Most of the time, I’m not even venting. I’m just being straightforward about what’s happening in my life. And I don’t need her or want her to fix it.
Anon
Have you told her that last part though? If yes and she is ignoring you then yeah, don’t confide anymore. But if you haven’t and she is a fixer and genuinely trying to help, tell her you don’t want ir need her to fix and you only want to vent before you do it and give her a chance.
Anon
“My least favorite thing is when I speak up and explain the reality of a situation, and she tries to come up with all these workarounds that I’ve either considered or will cause another issue.”
In my experience, that’s a sign that the OP’s friend doesn’t respect her or can’t see beyond the end of her nose.
Here’s an example: I got pregnant freakishly easily. Yet, I don’t tell my friends who are struggling with fertility to try really obvious solutions! They are smart, capable people who are struggling with this because they have exhausted all of their available options, AND I understand that my good luck doesn’t make me an expert.
I’m just over people who don’t have that basic level of understanding.
Anonymous
I think busyness is becoming a new money/religion/politics-type taboo conversation topic. You can’t complain you’re too busy because someone else is always busier, or worse they have advice for how to streamline your life as if you’re incompetent and haven’t already tried everything. Like when tech support asks you if you’re sure your computer is plugged in. Treat busyness talk like any other taboo topic; don’t bring it up and if someone else does then smile and nod until you can change the subject.
It’s a judgment call whether you bring it up with her. I’m sure everyone has put their foot in their mouth by complaining about something to someone who has it worse. If I’m hurting someone’s feelings then I hope they would tell me. But also some people aren’t going to change. Like my mother who has been retired for 30 years and has never been good with people but thinks she has great advice about how to navigate the modern workplace. I try to avoid the topic and if I can’t, at least not let her terrible advice bait me into troubleshooting (arguing) with her which will inevitably end with “mom you just don’t understand!” like I’m 14 again.
Anon
Oh, man I feel like I could be your friend under my own set of facts and circumstances, with my bff being you.
She’s had a rough last 4 years with family health issues that culminated with a death in the family 2 weeks ago. It was a drawn out illness and caretaking situation that surfaced alot of tensions and complicated relationships. Plus she’s facing returning student loan payments and several unexpected repair costs. And she’s frustrated with her job and struggling with getting possible ADD or anxiety issues under control. She’s got alot going on.
In comparison, I’ve got things pretty easy. Higher paying job, low/no debt, minimal family issues etc. I worry about being petty, self centered, insensitive etc when talking about my own life. I have told her several times (and tried to do it casually and lightly) that she can tell me to shut up at any point, we can change plans if she’s feeling cash strapped, or if she needs space.
Your friend might feel the same as I do and feels awkward! Maybe not and she is actually completely clueless! But I think there’s room in a close friend relationship to ask for what you need (example: I have things I want to vent about, and don’t actually need solutions! I just want to whine about it etc) and to give yourself and her grace.
Anon
I have a long term single friend and I’ve been married the entire time I was friends with her. She once told me she spent a weekend with one of her oldest friends, who was also married, and said friend spent the whole weekend complaining about her marriage. My friend said “it gets kind of old, you know?”
When she said that, I had a shock of recognition that I also complained about my husband to her. It’s not a situation she’s in and I don’t know how I thought it would help to complain to her… so I stopped, and we were and are still friends without me complaining about marriage stuff.
OP maybe try that with your friend. Don’t complain about stuff she can’t relate to.
Anon
As a chronically single person I don’t talk about relationships with my married friends anymore period.
Anon
I’m the single anon below and same except for one close friend who is married but still manages to get it.
Anon
I am the long-term single friend of the group and for me it was less husband problems generally, and more I like your husbands and this is making me want to throttle them and also you have complained about this issue more than three times and yet done nothing to address it so please stop complaining to me about it. I did use my words in a kinder way and now it’s a one time complaint to the group and we have side convos when it’s a true real ongoing relationship issue bc I can at least relate to relationship challenges!!
Anonymous
I was a longtime singleton and I didn’t mind my friends complaining about their husbands but I would’ve been (and still would be!) super miffed if I spent an entire weekend with a friend and the only thing she could talk about is her useless husband. Come to think of it, when I was single I had a lot of friends with useless husbands and it made pay much closer attention to red flags that I probably would’ve ignored. Like men who claim they can’t cook. I didn’t have even one friend who was in a marriage I would want. Now I’m married and other couples seem happy; I suppose either my married friends don’t complain about their useless husbands so I don’t know about it, or they’ve divorced them and now have a much better partner.
Anonymous
I hear you. I am a divorced mom who works 40 – 70 hours a week depending on project cycles, and I have a very difficult coparenting situation. I have a friend who just seems out of touch. She has worked in the past, but when she had her first child she stopped working and became a homeschooler/stay at home mom. Her husband makes good money, they own rental properties, and go on a few international vacations per year. Now that her children are in public school, she stays very busy with fashion design/sewing classes, volunteering, exercising at the gym, and taking music lessons. I can’t imagine having that much leisure time, so it’s hard for me to relate, and it seems hard for her to relate to me as well. I sometimes feel like we’re living on 2 different planets when we meet up for a quick lunch and then I have to rush back for a work meeting and project deadlines, and she is off to the gym and a music lesson. We have different sets of worries, I guess.
Anon
I think you just need to own the jealousy and not expect her to do anything differently. It sounds like she’s not doing anything wrong. It’s OK to communicate if you just want to vent and not get advice, that’s obviously a normal part of friendship, but if you haven’t spoken up about that before, she doesn’t know it bothers you.
Anon
+1. It’s also not okay to just vent at people though and not expect a reaction. Friends aren’t therapists who just nod and smile and ask how that makes you feel.
Anon
Agree – venting to friends should be limited in duration and people should be mindful if they’re crossing the line to treating a friend as a free therapist.
anon
I think she must believe I’m venting when I’m really not? I’m just being straightforward about my circumstances. Which makes me want to not say anything at all, if I’m just going to be labeled a complainer.
Seventh Sister
The only thing that I’ve found to work in this situation is to drift away a little bit. Sometimes I have to unfollow or snooze people I really do like on social media – there are only so many vacation pictures I can take from my friend who is an independently wealthy widow or my cousin who married into an old money family. Sometimes I just have to decline social invitations or find other people to hang out with for a bit.
When I try and justify/remember the things I have that are affirmatively better, I just end up feeling worse (especially if I am comparing our kids in my head).
Also I try to remember that karma is a long game, and that people (often, but not always) *can* get their comeuppance. Whether it’s the beauty queen from my high school who bullied me then and is trying to get me to join her MLM now, the SAHM who was so mean about me working then had to rejoin the workforce in late middle age, what goes around comes around. I know this is mean, but my mom was always going on and on about my perfect cousin and her perfect family and her perfect life and why can’t I be more like her (we are both lawyers). Well, my perfect cousin has fallen from grace over a financial dispute where I wouldn’t have made my cousin’s choices. I guess she’s not perfect after all!
Mocha Frappuccino
Any suggestions for a fee only/fiduciary financial advisor in NYC (not someone who does % of AUM)? DH and I few pretty confident in our finances, but he in particular has some weird things with his 401k that he’d like someone to look at and help advise on the best options.
Anon
Do you have a good accountant, a friends in financial services, someone who’s researched all this who you can just ask? I personally cannot imagine paying someone a healthy percentage of my assets over a 401k question. That’s not make it or break it stuff there.
Colette
White coat investor has a list of recommended fee only advisors
I would check their website. Not posting a link to avoid moderation.
Anon
If you don’t have people in your life to ask for a recommendation, try here: https://www.napfa.org/find-an-advisor
anonymous
Brian Schmidt at Hudson Delaware
Cornellian
Not a particular recommendation but a great search tool of fee-only advisors: https://www.napfa.org/find-an-advisor
Kelsey
Anyone have a neck pillow for air travel that actually works for getting some sleep on flight?
Anon
No such thing.
Of Counsel
I have the Travelrest pillow, which had the advantage of rolling up very small. I cannot sleep with any of the ones that wrap around my neck.
I slept like a baby my last three fights from the west coat to Europe with a combination of that pillow, a window seat, noise cancelling headphones with white noise, and a light scarf to tent over my head. Of course I also took 5 mg of Ambient so everything else might have been superfluous!
Agurk
Trtl has rigid support so you can really lean your head to the side. it works for me as well as anything could
Anon
+1 I can sleep with a Turtle knockoff!
Anonymous
I used the BCozzy neck pillow from Amazon for two long hall flights and it was great. I liked how it supported my neck and I was able to get some sleep without my head totally flopped over.
Birdies shoes?
I’m thinking about purchasing some loafers or flats from Birdies. Does anyone have a pair? Are you happy with them?
anon
I have some loafers and love them so much more than my rothy’s. They’re turquoise velvet and I get compliments all the time. unfortunately they’re pretty cold-weather shoes given material, but that’s my only non-complaint complaint!
Mpls
Rothy’s make my feet sweat so bad. I have a pair of the Birdies leather loafers, and I like them so much better. The only thing I’ll note is that the leather toe point is getting scuffed some from the way I walk, but I can’t see it when I wear them, so I can ignore it for the most part.
Sybil
I’ve gotten a couple pair the last two years – the Blackbird and the Starling. I don’t wear them super often (one pair is glitter and the other is calf hair) but I like them a lot and they have good support for me (my usual shoes are Birks).
Anom
I have suede loafers – vespers. I got them on Zappos. I’m happy with them and would buy another pair.
Gummy Vitamins
Favorite chewable multi vitamins?
New Here
Nature’s Made Multi “For Her” + Omega 3.
Anon
Trader Joe’s high potency. They taste like Flintstones.
Hollis
My 4 year old dog sleeps in her bed in my bedroom and I always sleep with the bedroom door closed. For some unexplained reason, she is now scratching at the bedroom door in the middle of the night. Sometimes she wants to go outside to pee but otherwise she just goes downstairs and lays on her other favorite spot in the house. I don’t know why she’s doing this but I’m so groggy from the interrupted sleep. Any suggestions? She’s only done this as a puppy but not for several months.
Anon
Leave the door cracked seems like the obvious answer?
Hollis
She won’t walk through any doors unless they are open about a 10 inches or so and I feel weird keeping my bedroom door open that wide (more than just a crack). But I will keep this suggestion in mind.
Vicky Austin
I totally hear you – my dog will only walk through doors if you stand where you want him to go, not behind him. Sometimes I elaborately bow just to make it funnier. He also will only jump into the car if you stand on his right, not on his left. Ditto for going up the stairs.
Anon
Is there a reason why you can’t just open the door? I have cats that object vigorously to closed doors, so doors in our house just stay open…
Hollis
Just that by habit, everyone in our house sleeps with their door closed. In the winter, it helps with keeping the bedrooms warm.
NYCer
I think the only solutions are changing your door habits or dealing with the dog scratching at the door. I have always slept with my door completely open. It is fine.
Anonymous
“Object vigorously” is a great euphemism. I haven’t been able to close so much as a closet door for the past 18 years.
Anon 2.0
Side note to this, sleeping with your bedroom door fully shut is a really good safety measure should your home catch fire. Maybe not a concern for everyone, but having a house fire is one of my biggest fears.
Anon
Yeah, seconding all the just leave the door open comments.
Emma
Yeah my dog does the same. He likes to go down to the couch around 2am. I just gave up and sleep with the door open.
Pep
If you took her bed out of your bedroom, would she scratch to get in? If you need to have the door closed maybe it’s time to try that.
Anon
Completely disagree with the “just leave the door open” comments. As you mention in another comment, closing bedroom doors in the wintertime helps with energy efficiency. Some of us feel uncomfortable sleeping with an open bedroom door (raises hand). We also cannot leave our bedroom doors open because our dogs will not come in and settle down with us, but instead wander around, keeping us awake. They don’t need to go out to pee/poop; they just don’t want to be asleep, for whatever reason. And it’s not worth us being groggy from uninterrupted sleep to accommodate a dog’s desire to wander at night.
We’ve tried two things to solve this:
– One of our dogs was crate-trained when we got him and we crate him at night. When he first came to live with us, we were leaving him in the downstairs wherever he wanted to be to sleep, and he got anxious, so we got a crate. He crates himself at about 8:30 at night and so when we’re ready to go to bed, we just lock the crate door. If something’s wrong and he needs to go out, he can bark to alert us and we’ll come let him out, but that doesn’t happen very long.
– Our other dog doesn’t need to be crated, but she is the night wanderer, and so we confine her to the back area of our downstairs using a baby gate across a hallway. She has a dog bed and water there and once we close the gate, she’s fine till morning. Again, if something is wrong, she can bark and we’ll come see what’s up, but everyone sleeps better when she’s confined.
Just want to say this. Dogs aren’t cats. They need to understand where they are in the family hierarchy/”pack.” If they were living in the wild with a pack of other dogs, the lead dog would put unwanted behavior in check. In your house, you are the lead dog. If you don’t want the dog in your bedroom at night, don’t allow that, the same way you shouldn’t allow your dog to jump on visitors when they enter the house, lunge at other dogs and people when they’re on a leash, etc. Dogs need boundaries and without them they can get anxious. So don’t be hesitant about confining your dog at night – she may bark for a couple of nights but then she will get used to the idea and it will be fine.
Anon
But her dog is already in the bedroom with her! I totally understand closing the door to keep the dog out, but closing the door to keep her in and then complaining that she wakes you up makes no sense. Just let her out! Or have her sleep elsewhere, if you want to put in the work to train her to do that.
Anon
This. My dog enjoys a nightly walkabout. We leave the door open and let her. We also dislike sleeping in a hot room, so opening the door doesn’t hurt the heating situation at all (and that seems like an extreme objection anyway unless you live in a drafty castle).
Anon
What a completely ridiculous comment this is, my goodness. Not everyone likes to sleep in a warm room, for one. The “drafty castle” comment is so weird and off-base. And saying that someone’s comfort preference is an “extreme objection” frankly…says a lot about you. Wow.
I was taught that it’s safer to sleep in a room with a closed door because if a fire starts in the house while you’re sleeping, the closed door will keep smoke and flames out of the room longer. But at the end of the day, this is about personal preference and OP’s preference is not to sleep in an room with an open door. And that’s all that really matters.
Anon
The level of emotion you’re showing in this comment is completely disproportional to the actual seriousness of the issue. Do you overreact like this to everything in life? If so – that must be so difficult for you.
Anon
My dog tried this and I was able to train it out by waking up enough to hiss “no!!!” at him for a few days in a row. He was a pushover, though, so it was relatively easy to get it through his head that nighttime wandering was not okay.
Anonymous
My cats did this for a year. For reasons, I can’t have them in the bedroom. On their part, it was attention-seeking behavior. I tried ignoring them and they destroyed the carpet by the door with scratching. I don’t know anything about dog training but what finally worked for me was wrapping the door and floor in front of the door with aluminum foil which, for cat reasons, seems to terrify them. Is there something like that which might deter your dog?
There are also scat mats. It sort of worked for us until they figured out how to get around it.
Anon
We have to barricade our door with a giant pile of pillows. But that’s on the outside. Trying to keep them shut in at night would be a complete disaster and would just be asking for them to keep us up all night and pee all over everything, as there’s no litter box in the bedroom.
Anon
She should sleep downstairs and not in your bedroom.
Anon
Good grief no. Sleeping with your dog is one of life’s greatest pleasures.
Anon
Sniff. My dog will *not* do this. He likes his space.
Anon
Um, clearly not for everyone. We love our dogs, we would do anything for our dogs, they are part of our family, but I am a light sleeper and it doesn’t take much for me to wake up and then not be able to get back to sleep. So we have never slept in the same room with any of our dogs, and everyone gets sleep and is healthy and fine. I sleep with my husband, and that’s enough for me. If you don’t have another person in the bed with you, I can see why having the dog there is a comfort, but for me, two humans in the room is enough (and sometimes that even feels like too much).
Pompom
Is your dog thirsty and going to grab a slurp from their bowl?
Our dogs do this so we got a small water bowl for the bedroom. Fixed the issue.
Anonymous
My sense of smell and taste have been off for about a month — I just messaged my doctor, wondering if I should get one of those smell tests off Amazon. Has anyone had this issue? I’m 48, probably perimenopausal. Had just returned from vacation and stopped drinking when it started.
Anon
Maybe you got Covid on vacation?
Anon
This seems most likely
Anon
+1
lifer
+100
I’m shocked you haven’t checked yourself for COVID. I would check for a few days at least, if the first home test comes up positive. Definitely see your doctor if repeat tests still come back negative and your sense changes continue.
No, this isn’t a perimenopausal symptom.
Anon
Yep. I had super mild Covid and never fully lost my sense of smell or taste but things did get weird for a bit.
Anonymous
Op super late to the party – I forgot to mention I did take a covid test when we got back from vacation and it was negative. I guess I could take another one now but it’s probably past the window where it would show.
Anon In-House
Anyone know of any good resources for salary markers for mid-level in-house counsel, particularly that take into account things like area cost of living (low) and non-profit status?
Anon
75-100k
Anon
I can tell you what our location-based salary bands are if you tell me what geographical area you are interested in. We are not a non-profit however, so take off $50k-75k of whatever I tell you (maybe more).
Anon In-house
Really hoping to find something that I can bring to my superiors for support, but that would still be really helpful! I’m in East Tennessee, and have a little over 10 year’s experience.
Thank you!
Anon
Understood!
For senior counsel roles at this largeish for profit company, you’re looking at a range of $146k to $242k. Which is probably not helpful at all given how broad it is. Sorry!
anon
Some leaders are open to summary views from glassdoor, others aren’t. You can input the role type and region, just pay attention to if you are only looking at base pay versus a total comp view including bonuses/other items.
No Problem
Can anyone tell me whether any of the pant “fits” at J Crew Factory are a curvy fit for those of use with a little extra in the hips and rear? I’m seeing Ruby, Kelsey, Jamie, and Kallie, but none of them are labelled as curvy, just “easy” or “relaxed” through the hip and thigh, which of course means nothing.
Anon
I had to size up in the Kelsey. AND DO NOT PUT THEM IN THE DRYER.
No Problem
Are you saying that you sized up and it fit in the hips AND ALSO didn’t have multiple extra inches in the waist, AND you are someone who wears curvy fit pants from other retailers?
Noted about the dryer!
Anon
Yes — very curvy — stomach, junk in the trunk, all that.
I actually have good luck with most JCF pants now that there is elastic in the back, but I was +1 size in the Kelsey and there is not a lot of room to spare. The others have a more loose fit.
Banana/Banana Factory also work for my shape and BRF has curvy jeans still even in non-skinny cuts.
Abercrombie did not work for me at all after trying almost everything, but it is the unicorn for some people.
anon
Also had to size up in the Kelsey.
Anon
I have Jamie pants and really love the fit. I am apple shaped. I hated the Kelsey pants.
No Problem
Sounds like I can cross the Jamie pants off the list then! If they work for an apple they are unlikely to work for me.
anon
I’m more pear shaped and hated the Jamie pants. They were simultaneously too baggy in places while being tight in the hips. I wish I could make them work because the elastic waistband is a dream.
anon
I have a couple of pairs of the Ruby but I needed to size up.
Vicky Austin
I also needed a size up in the Ruby.
anon
+2, a full size up in the Ruby, which I stupidly didn’t realize when I ordered them.
Anon
I am a size 14 curvy and the Ruby is okay but not amazing. Thighs are fine although they are a bit snug in the hips. My pair has slash pockets that do that annoying gape thing and they aren’t deep enough for my whole phone to fit. The rear pockets are fake (not sewn shut but actually fake). They launder well and don’t wrinkle easily.
Anom
I have the JCF high waisted chinos. I love them and am pretty narrow hipped with a high waist (long rise). Opposite of curvy. So probably not a curvy person’s fit.
Anonymous
Inspired by a comment yesterday and a Labor Day sale, I signed up for RTR subscription. Figured I’ll try it for a month (I have a date night, c-tail party, and a big work event in Sept, so seemed a good month for it!). Anyone have suggestions for how to make the most of the service? Any particularly great finds? I’m a size 8
SSJD
I used RTR for 3 months in the winter when I had a whole bunch of social events going on with many of the same people in my life attending each one. It was really fun to have new outfits but sometimes stressful to secure what I wanted to rent in my size. It often felt as if things were in limited supply. Searching the site can get very time consuming. I found it overwhelming, so I limited myself to dresses for special occasions. The idea of renting bags and jewelry was too distracting.
Read the reviews and definitely look at the real life photos people post. Initially my orders were mostly too big, so I had a disappointing start but then it got better. I also realized that I could go to a local store and try on a particular garment of interest to determine what size fit best, then rent it from RTR with that information.
I was really focused on renting expensive items, because that was part of the fun for me. I discovered some brands I had never worn before and ended up buying one item when it went on deep discount because it had felt and looked so great when I rented it. I hope I get to wear it again soon. Good luck!
Anonymous
I’ve been hearing a lot of chatter lately about “balancing your hormones.” I’ve tried to read up on it but I still don’t understand how I’m supposed to know whether my hormones are balanced and what I’m supposed to do about it. I had blood work done recently and I have a doctor’s appointment coming up. But I’d like to know how to interpret my numbers on my own. I’ve always been told my numbers are within a normal range, but I’ve also read that “normal” doesn’t necessarily mean there isn’t room for improvement. Any resources on this? Questions I should ask my doctor?
Anon
This sounds “turmeric and yoga cure cancer” and anti-vax adjacent. If it were a real thing, you could discuss it with an endocrinologist or your OB-Gyn.
Anon
It’s total nonsense. Do you have health concerns? Address those directly and take medication or supplements if necessary. But in most cases, the answer is to get enough sleep, exercise, and eat a healthy diet.
anon
It’s nonsense. Look up the RD Jenn Huber’s podcast. She talks a lot about the overblown promises of “hormone balancing” diets and also how it’s nearly impossible to get an accurate reading of your hormone levels (especially during perimenopause when they’re changing practically daily). She talks about the importance of balanced nutrition but in a very sane, doable way.
Anon
This is a marketing message the “wellness” companies are pushing to try to sell you unnecessary blood tests, supplements, “health coaching,” or some other thing that does not work and that you do not really need.
Not everything you see in a women’s magazine, on Instagram/TikTok, or on your friends’ Facebook feeds is an actual thing you need to worry about. Now that giving people anxiety about their normal bodily functions is no longer cool, product manufacturers have to come up with new products to sell, and marketers have to come up with ways to sell those products. Otherwise, companies don’t make money. It doesn’t mean you need those things or to worry about the things they’re telling you are a problem. If you really had a problem with your hormones, you’d be having symptoms, and you could get bloodwork done by your doctor, and an actual health care provider would tell you what you need to know.
Anon
I’m confused by this comment because you haven’t mentioned a single symptom or reason to be concerned about this?
Don’t let influencers convince you that something is wrong if it’s not! There are people with legitimate endocrine conditions that do need to see relevant specialists because of feeling absolutely miserable, and yeah sometimes they have to run some extra tests, so you may be seeing some PSAs that aren’t meant for you at all.
OP
Weight, terrible cramps combined with very heavy flow, and (in)fertility are my primary concerns. It’s pretty tiring to be told everything’s fine, just maintain a healthy diet! which basically means it’s all your fault, when everything is not fine (but also not terrible). My weight is steadily increasing, I can’t lose weight unless I restrict under 1000 calories even though I exercise daily and eat only whole foods, my cycles are debilitating 1-2 days/month, we’ve been TTC for a year with no results. I’m working with a fertility doctor now and it’s refreshing to have someone finally take me seriously, but of course her work with me is somewhat limited. Idk why I can’t seem to find a PCP or OBGYN who will actually listen. I want to learn how to interpret my results for myself and to generally be better informed so I can better advocate for myself.
Anonymous
How long are you restricting under 1000 calories without seeing weight loss? Even at that level it will take a couple weeks to see weight loss. How sure are you about your calorie counts? Most women need around 1500/day to maintain and 1200/day to lose. If you are significantly overweight that can cause fertility issues due to the excess of estrogen. Exercise is great but it’s for health not weight loss. Very hard to outrun a fork.
Maybe keep a food/exercise/weight diary for 3 weeks. Not trying to lose but just to create a record to discuss with your doctor. Doctors do better with data vs broad statements.
Anonymous
YIKES to 1000-1200 calories. you cannot fuel your body on so little especially if you’re exercising. maaaybe if you’re less than 5 feet. but please look into reverse dieting, or even consider doing a bulk (eating a calorie surplus for 6-8 weeks while seriously weight training to help your metabolism get higher). elaina efird is an RDN who has talked a lot about how she can’t stand it when she sees women eating below 1200 calories.
hungry
Saying “most” women need only 1500/day to maintain is flat-out wrong and irresponsible.
Anonymous
What are you talking about? I didn’t suggest that she eat 1000. She said she ate below 1000 and did not lose weight. It’s standard medical advice that your average women needs around 1500-1600 to maintain and 1200 ish to lose. Educate yourself. Literally every major medical association and public health org will give you similar numbers.
Anonymous
Uh, no, the NIH Healthy Body Weight Planner says that I, a small moderately active woman, need something like 2200 calories a day to maintain. Subsisting on 1500 calories a day would wreck my metabolism.
Anonymous
‘moderately active’ is 30-60 mins of physical activity every single day, 7 days a week. The VAST majority of people don’t get that or this country wouldn’t have 30% of people overweight and 30% of people obese. If you act like 2200 calories a day is average for a woman, you are setting up a lot of women to gain weight. 500 calories extra a day is a pound a week which is a lot over the year.
Agurk
have you checked your thyroid?
Anonanon
as someone who has been medically gaslit about my symptoms because my blood work was normal for well over a decade, I am so sorry. And all these comments who are dismissing you for listening to “influencers” because other influencers said so can f off. you have a right to advocate for your health.
the bleeding makes me wonder about either endometriosis and/or PCOS – have you checked for that? how about blood sugar? you don’t need to be all the way prediabetic to feel better with more stable insulin.
I’ve had good experiences with osteopaths, since they are more willing to treat symptoms without going down the functional medicine rabbit hole. and they are real doctors. You could try that.
Anon
“And all these comments who are dismissing you for listening to “influencers” because other influencers said so can f off. ”
Wow, this is unnecessarily hostile. I’m sorry if you feel you were “medically gaslit” but the OP needs to see an endocrinologist for her issues, not take advice from ads she sees on Instagram about “hormonal balance.” We’re just telling her to be careful and not buy into hype. If she’s TTC she does not have time or money to waste on quackery and fake treatments that won’t help her. Self-diagnosing a problem, which becomes very tempting once you learn to “interpret your own results” is not going to lead to OP getting relief with her issues. She needs professional medical help.
FWIW I have PCOS and had some of the same symptoms OP is describing. pre-diagnosis. My PCP referred me to an endocrinologist who primarily worked with women who had cycle issues. She was able to diagnose me after one round of bloodwork and got me on Metformin and Spironolactone, which were tremendously helpful. Since OP cannot prescribe herself the necessary prescription medications to treat PCOS or PCOS-type symptoms resulting from an underlying hormonal issue, SHE NEEDS TO SEE A DOCTOR and get some expert advice. If she’s being told to eat a healthier diet, then she may be seeing a doctor that equates PCOS = extra weight so the solution to PCOS = weight loss. And it’s unfortunately not that simple.
I hope you eventually got some help for your health issues and also you’re in therapy to deal with the clear anger you have over the medical gaslighting you experienced. And also that you’re keeping up with doctor appointments and seeing real practitioners who are licensed, etc. and not just treating ailments you may have partially or fully self-diagnosed with quack treatments you’re ordering online. Which is frankly what I’ve seen a lot of people who talk about how badly they were “medically gaslit” do to themselves.
Anon
These sound like seriously good reasons to find your closest academic medical center and work with professionals, not an MLM supplement provider.
anon
A really easy blood panel and consult with a reproductive endocrinologist would answer a lot of questions, not “balancing hormones”. FWIW, my PCP and OBGYN didn’t diagnose me with PCOS or refer me to a reproductive endo until I pushed hard, and my IVF babe #2 is due in 10 weeks.
Why is your RE’s work with you “somewhat limited”? My RE was a godsend and named/addressed all the things my PCP and OBGYN missed over the years.
Anonymous
Agreed. And if you’ve been restricting under 1000 cal while you’re trying to TTC, that is not a great plan for optimizing your fertility.
Anon
+1 that this sounds like it could be PCOS. Look up the Rotterdam criteria so that you know what it is and can advocate for yourself – I recently was talking to a friend who is thin but has high testosterone and irregular periods. Her endo told her she didn’t have PCOS because she doesn’t have poly cystic ovaries. Face palm. *I* had to be the one to tell her she had PCOS, and to get a new endo ASAP. The traditional medical system is great for so many things, but is severely lagging when it comes to women’s health. There is a reason so many women are turning to alternative options. It’s infuriating and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You are correct that normal levels do not equate to optimal. It is simply common sense. If the “normal range” for something is 20-60 and you are at 59 or 61, 59 isn’t going to flag for a doctor but 61 will. For some people, being on the high or low end of “normal” is perfectly fine while for others it’s not. For example, when I get my Vitamin D drawn the labs say sufficient levels are 30-100ng/mL. When I went to a fertility clinic, they told me that optimal levels are above 50.
Find a doctor who listens and takes the time to explain things to you. FWIW, I went to several doctors in the years before TTC, and the main things that I did were start taking vitamin D supplements (was severely deficient and raised my levels to above 50), fish oil, and inositol. I can’t tell you what exactly made the difference, but I was able to regulate my cycles and ended up conceiving the first cycle we actively tried after IUD removal. I know this could very well be luck, but wanted to share what worked for me. The inositol was also recommended by the fertility clinic I visited, although I was already taking it. And yes it is a traditional clinic that does IUI, IVF, etc.
Anonymous
look into Mary Clare Haver’s work — she’s an OB/Gyn in Texas (I actually know someone who used to be a patient of hers, they say she’s excellent) and she’s written a lot about perimenopause/menopause in her book The Galveston Diet. Yes she’s an influencer and selling supplements, but her work might speak to you. She’s talked a lot about how estrogen and testosterone are better kept in balance if you’re eating adequate fiber – a minimum of 25g a day. I think she has theories on other things like magnesium also. She has a list of panels your doctor can/should run for you etc. With the fertility angle particularly you may even want to see if you can reach out to her personally; she might be available for consult.
Anonymous
Jen Gunter also talks about fiber and how it affects estrogen levels – “fiber reduces the reabsorpotion of estrogen from the bowel of premenopausal women.” She has a whole chapter on how women should become a fiber evangelist and how less than 5% of people are getting the correct amount. she may have footnotes in the book you can check, not seeing them on my KU copy of the Menopause Manifesto right now.
Anon
Okay, then the PSAs may well be for you! There are absolutely better and worse doctors out there for testing for PCOS, insulin resistance, and hypothyroidism, and it is definitely worthwhile to learn to interpret your own results. (Out of date doctors for example may be fine with a TSH between 3-5, while for TTC it’s now supposed to be lower. Some doctors check for thyroid antibodies, while some skip that step. Some doctors order a glucose tolerance test, and some just order an A1C, and so on.)
Anon
Lara Briden may be a name to look up re. PCOS and related conditions (yes Lara is a ND unfortunately but it is slim pickings in women’s health). Nancy’s Nook on Facebook is good if endometriosis or related conditions are a potential concern. Antonio Bianco is a good source for thyroid. Can you ask the fertility specialist for a referral to a new PCP or OBGYN?
Anon
If you tell your Obgyn that you want to explore egg freezing, they will refer to a fertility specialst, who is usually an Obgyn and an endocrinologist. I had a lot more help from this specialist with regard to fertility concerns and “hormone levels” than regular Obgyn. The egg freezing script allows you to get a referral without TTC for X months. You don’t actually need to freeze eggs.
anon
Whoa whoa whoa, those are some serious things, and you need some serious good help. I would recommend going to a chinese medicine doctor – many fertility specialists are now starting to work with good accupucturists, so, you might be able to get a rec from your fertility specialists. I find the chinese approach MUCH better for addressing these kinds of problems than my OBGYN ever was. Please also read “It starts with the Egg”, and “Real food for Pregnancy” by Lily Nichols, and books by Aimee Rupp and Alisha Vitti. I will also add that you almost certainly need more than 1000 calories a day to get the nutrients you need to conceive, and, there’s research that shows it’s much better to be high flux (meaning, lots of calories in, lots of calories spent in movement) than low flux, when trying to control weight. I’m sorry about the difficulty trying to concieve – that’s really painful and hard. But I think there’s actually a lot that can be helped, once you find the right resources!
Anon
It’s all BS. I think I posted here before about how my friend is basically convinced she is going to get diabetes even though she has no signs of it and it’s because she has been following exactly those kinds of influencers. They have convinced her that she needs to take active action to “balance hormones” and “manage her glucose” even though she is healthy and all labs confirm it. It’s exhausting for her to live this way and it’s exhausting for her friends to listen to. Honestly, health influencers might be the most toxic of all. They need you to be convinced that something is wrong or they won’t make money.
Anon
As someone who got lectured at her last doctor’s appointment about prediabetes (both my A1C and fasting blood sugar are in the “normal” range, but both numbers had ticked up in my last round of bloodwork) believe me: if your friend is or becomes at risk for diabetes, as long as she’s getting her routine bloodwork done, her health providers will let her know about it. Likely in great detail, and coupled with a lot of advice and handouts about improving diet and exercise habits to lower risk.
anon
Most of them are super irresponsible in the messages they push. Unless you have actual educational qualifications in this field, I’m not following anymore.
Anon
Do you have any symptoms that you think are due to hormonal issues? Hormonal issues can be very real, but unless you have an issue I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Practice a healthy lifestyle with respect to eating, exercise, and sleep habits. You can also explore HRT if you’re approaching or are in menopause.
Anon
It’s all about selling you stuff – a diet plan, a supplement, etc.
I can very easily see why it appeals, tho. I’m running into some health issues and feel like docs just toss birth control pills at me and shrug. Someone claiming to have the answers – a path to the “root cause” that doctors can’t/won’t find – it’s a great grift.
Anonymous
The new thing that’s being sold is continuous glucose monitoring for people without diabetes. Insane.
Anon
Is it insane? I know people whose numbers were right on the cusp of diabetes (as bad as prediabetes can get) who completely normalized their A1C, fasting blood glucose, and associated health issues with only continuous blood glucose monitoring and diet. It sucks to have to stick to a diet, but it sucks less than having to start diabetes medications in one’s 30s.
Anon
“I’ve also read that “normal” doesn’t necessarily mean there isn’t room for improvement.”
Hey sis, not everything in life is an opportunity for maximization/optimization, especially if you’re being told to “optimize” by people who want to sell you what is essentially snake oil.
anon
I see this a lot on IG and I think it’s mostly nonsense, but what I have started to do that works for me is making sure to avoid spiking my blood sugar, in particular early in the morning. This means a breakfast with more protein than I used to eat (I was an oatmeal every day kinda person), and making sure I balance a carby meal with protein. So I guess the hormone I’m balancing is insulin, and that works well for me. I have more energy and avoid crashes. And if I have a pastry for breakfast I really notice the difference – I’m cranky and tired for the rest of the day. I had gestational diabetes so I think I’m a bit prone to insulin resistance. I test my glucose once a year now and it’s been fine since my pregnancy, but given my heightened risk for T2 diabetes I’m very conscious of it now.
PolyD
pagingdrfran on Instagram just addressed this. It’s wellness-speak, not something that is a real medical or even biological thing.
Anon
I bought a lot of crop mini flares last spring and they have been great in the warmer months. How do you all style these for when it cools off? I love with flats or loafers but my ankles and feet freeze easily. Doc Martin type boots? Otherwise, I am lost, I fear.
anon
Chelsea boots, or any bootie with a taller shaft, could look cute.
Anon
I don’t wear cropped pants in the fall.
Anonymous
For me, I’d want boots with a high-enough shaft that there isn’t a weird gap between the top of the boot and the bottom of the pant. I don’t own those kinds of boots and am not interested in buying them, so I don’t wear cropped pants when it’s too cold to expose bare ankles.
Anon
With the caveat that I’m short so cropped pants on me aren’t super short: I have 2 pairs of heeled boots (cognac and black) that are about 3-4 inches above my ankle. Cropped jeans look great with them, since there is overlap in boot shaft height and my jeans.
PolyD
Combat boots! Taos and Miz Mooz have some in colors other than black or brown.
Anon
My high school BFF’s father just died. We’re still pretty close and I’m going to our home state for the funeral, which she seems to really appreciate (she lives abroad so most of her friends won’t be attending). I’ve offered to help with any logistical stuff I can since I’ll be there a few days before the funeral and also offered to hang out if she wants a distraction, though I understand she has a lot of visiting family to entertain and I likely won’t see much of her. Is there anything else I could be doing? Those of you who have lost parents, what would you have wanted a friend to do in this situation?
Anon
When my mom died, it was a bit of a blur. I appreciated people coming to the services and being there for me, sending me kind texts or calling me if they couldn’t come, and it helped me to be able to talk about what had happened, though as it turned out some people did not want to hear about it.
I think just being there for your friend and not asking anything of her is the best you can do.
anon
I got a lot of texts, condolence messages etc. right after my dad died and then things got quiet. Continue checking in with her over the next several months. Just a simple text letting her know you’re thinking of her and available to talk if she wants.
Maudie Atkinson
This.
Also, for the future, make note of important dates–his birthday, the day he died, Father’s Day, her birthday, other religious or cultural holidays or even family traditions they might share–and reach out to her on those days. My dad died almost 17 years ago, and I have a friend who sent me a card around the anniversary of his death for probably first 10 years, which remains one of the greatest acts of kindness anyone has shown me. Another childhood friend often texts when he hears music that reminds him of my dad.
Me
I lost my mom, who was my best friend, after a prolonged illness. I suspect the grief process when one loses a parent suddenly (like in a car accident) is different than when the death was expected; I knew I was in an anticipatory grieving stage during the last year of my mom’s life. I also have learned we all process grief very differently. So take any comments you get with that in mind. For example, I didn’t want or need friends to attend my mom’s funeral, but for other people, funeral attendance is very important and appreciated.
For me, the hard days weren’t the days after her death when we were busy planning the funeral and burial. The hard days are every other day. I want to call and text my mom a dozen times a day with the random life minutia that we used to share – but she isn’t there to share those moments with anymore, and it’s so hard. Sometimes I am open to talking about those moments and sometimes I’m not. What I most appreciate are the friends who check in on random days, who reply when I send them a memory of my mom, or who share their memories of my mom with me. Keep showing up for your friend in small ways (sending text messages counts) in the months to come. That’s what I need most from my friends.
brokentoe
+1M
Sincere condolences on the loss of your mom. Sending a big mom hug.
Anonymous
If you can stay the next day, take her to lunch or breakfast. Or bring it over. Everyone will be there immediately, but it’s the days (or weeks or months) after when it helps to just have someone sit with you and listen.
Anon
Offer to arrange food for the lunch after the service (if they’re hosting lunch). This was one task I just could not handle after my mom suddenly passed away. “I have no idea how many meat and cheese trays we need, my mommy just died.” Also, visitations are long and exhausting so you could offer to arrange snacks for the family for that too.
Anon
When I was in a similar situation, I helped with preparing meals in the days prior to the funeral, I scanned some old photos because the widower wanted a photo slide show. I talked a bit with the funeral director about technical details. I mostly listened.
anon
Favorite shoes for walking around Europe in the fall, comfort first, style second- i.e. okay with sneakers…
Budget up to $200
emeralds
Waterproof Allbirds.
Anokha
+1 for Allbirds. I wore mine out the store, immediately walked 10,000 steps, and nary a blister. Plus they wash easily!
Anon
I walked around Europe all summer in Wonders tennis shoes, not a single blister from day 1.
Anon
I love Skechers for walking.
Anon
I love Skechers for walking.
Cat
Sneakers aren’t the “clueless american” thing they used to be — cute street sneakers are everywhere. I’m partial to Cole Haan Grandpros for being lightweight, neutral, and durable but you can go with more of a statement sneaker if you want!
Sneakers
As someone who lives in Europe and walks/cycles everywhere, I’m happy with my white Clarks Craftcup Walk sneakers.
Shrinking clothes
We recently moved and my clothes are suddenly shrinking and falling apart. Our old washer/dryer was from 1994, so I had assumed our current Samsung top-loader and sensor-dry from 2018 would be an improvement. I’m washing with cold water, using wool dryer balls in the dryer, and I never use high heat. Any other ideas?
ollie
Do you have space to air-dry some items? That may help
Anonymous
I find the top load washers destroy clothing. Everything ends up stretched out at weird angles.
Anonymous
Wash everything on delicate cycle or bulky items both of which use extra water. Dry on delicate as well.
Cornellian
I think newer washers accomplish a lot of the cleaning via friction (of the clothes against each other and against the machine), rather than with large amounts of water or soap. I think my sweet spot is to run it on delicate, and pause 10 minutes in to let the soap sit if you can program that/control it remotely. I dry on low or no heat and hang dry.
I wonder if maybe the water in the house is harder or softer than before?
Shrinking clothes
Great tips! Thank you!
Z
Day 4 of covid rant. Feeling ok enough to sign on for work but I sound terrible. Coughing and sneezing but thankfully the fever is gone. I have tickets to a thing tomorrow that I was really looking forward to but I can’t go anymore, so I’m sad about that. I’m just sad.
Anon
I’m sorry you’re sick! I’m so sick of Covid too. I’m high-risk and have had to maintain precautions this whole time and I’m tired of it. This all sucks for everyone. I hope you feel better soon.
Anonymous
Solidarity. Day 11 here and still testing positive. I am sick of masking in my own house and desperately need a haircut.
Anon
I tested positive for 13 days and the isolation really got to me. And I’m a pretty intense introvert so I can imagine it’s even harder for many.
Senior Attorney
Same here — I tested positive for almost 2 weeks and was going stir crazy. I didn’t mask at home, though. It was just me and my husband and my doctor said by the time I tested positive the ship had probably sailed. We didn’t share dishes or kiss, but we slept in the same bed, and I didn’t get it when he had it, and he didn’t get it when I had it.
Anon
Ugh, I’m on day 3 and feeling miserable. Fevers, chills, headache, chest congestion, the works. It’s my first time though, so I feel like I can’t even complain. Luckily both kids are fine despite testing positive. Hoping this will give them some immunity as they start school next week.
Anonymous
Get paxlovid! I had covid twice and the second time was so much better with paxlovid. I got relief of my bad symptoms the same day I started taking it and I bounched back quicker the second time.
Anon
It also reduces the risk of developing long COVID.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
Day 5, and same. I am going absolutely stir crazy.
Anonymous
People with small home gardens – how do you prep for fall and then spring with your gardens? We had very low growth this year for pretty much everything, from our 4 tomato plants to zucchinis to even flower. I’m pretty sure it’s the soil we’ve been using (and reusing) every year. Should I replace everything now or in the spring? Plant a cover crop? Compost? Trying to figure out how to fix it so next summer’s garden doesn’t stink.
Senior Attorney
You can get soil amendments at the garden store. That’s what we do. And also we use the appropriate plant food for whatever we are growing.
Anon
I pull out our tomatoes when they’re done fruiting, cut most of the other plants off at the soil level so their roots can feed the soil. Once the bed is clear, I spread worm castings (we have two big worm bins) over the whole thing and lightly take it in. You can use compost for this step. Then I mulch with wood chips or leaves. I’ve also done cover crops in the past (daikon, red clover), but didn’t see much of a difference.
In the spring, I add some fresh soil if the level looks low. Repeat a layer of worm castings or compost. Then plant your seeds!
Anon
ETA lightly *rake* it in
Anon
The same thing happened with our garden this year!
We are going to get the soil tested through the state extension service. This is free or very low cost in many states. That should tell us what areas the soil is deficient, and then we’re going to amend it using compost and who knows what else. I think there are serums one can apply to the soil for this purpose and then I think cover the area with straw so that it all really soaks in.
Anon
This is the way!
Anon
In the US, you can typically collect a soil sample and mail it to your local extension office. They will do soil testing and provide a detailed report on how to amend your soil.
Anon
You have to “refresh” the soil in garden boxes and planters every three years or so (in my experience). In the spring, before I plant, I dig out about half the soil in the box or planter, mix in compost, composted manure, blood meal and bone meal into the remaining soil in the box and the soil I remove, and then put the amended soil back in, adding in new soil if necessary so the soil level in the box is appropriate. This also “de-compacts” the soil and allows for better root growth. When my dad did this for his in-ground garden, he used a rototiller to break up the soil and mix in the amendments.
Growing plants use up the minerals in soil and if you don’t amend and replace the soil periodically, plants will stop fruiting and then they will eventually stop growing. Just adding liquid or granular fertilizer doesn’t work, and that will also build up in the soil over time (in the form of salts) and stop plants from growing well.
As far as fall maintenance – all I do is pull the dead plants after the first frost and compost them. I leave the soil alone until spring, as many beneficial insects and pollinators overwinter in soil (and leaf litter) and need to remain undisturbed until spring.