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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Once the weather starts turning cooler, I know I’ll be reaching for my favorite chunky cardigans, but this sweater blazer seems like it’s going to fulfill my warmth requirements while still giving me some of the structure of a blazer. My preppy little heart loves the popped collar and “dried violet” color.
I would wear this with a pair of gray ankle pants and a slip-on sneaker for a casual office, but you could also dress it up with a pencil skirt and a pair of heels.
The blazer is $124.50 (marked down from $178) at J. Crew and comes in sizes XXS–3X. It also comes in tan, gray, and black.
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Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I am vaccinated and would like to have two vaccinated friends over for brunch, but I keep worrying about it. I would open all windows and have fans going for ventilation. One friend lives alone (as do I) and the other works from home but does have a kid in daycare.
Part of me says it’s important to live life and this is relatively low-risk. But part of me says it’s not worth it on the off chance someone would get sick. Should I just skip it? What would you do?
We live in a well-vaccinated area and my friends are very responsible and careful about covid, FWIW.
Anon
I feel like you invite, disclose, and also rely on others to determine their risk. You could also see one friend at a time. I have an unvaxxed kid and try to not have her eating indoors (or where others would be eating indoors but she isn’t allowed to — no movies, no long plane rides, might consider a < 2 hour flight if needed for aging parental oversight). You could also meet outside somewhere (where we have landed lately). I agree — years of isolation will be very bad, so the risk over time is not just COVID.
Anon
I would do it. I went to the beach last weekend with three other girlfriends (all fully or partially vaxxed). Three of the four of us already had it pre-vaccination (which doesn’t mean much, I know), and three have kids at home (two which are too young to vax). We did nothing special inside my friend’s condo and when we went out to eat, we sat outside. I would have no qualms doing what you are suggesting.
LaurenB
I think it’s fine. You’re both vaccinated. The vaccines work. You’re in a well-vaxed area. You are taking appropriate precautions.
Anon
Yep – this. At some point, we all have to live our lives.
Ribena
I would totally do this. As someone who has been relatively cautious I am MUCH more comfortable indoors in my own house or a friend’s house with my friends (who I trust are behaving responsibly) than I am in a restaurant or cafe indoors, where I’m surrounded by strangers who may have different attitudes to risk to me.
Anokha
This. I am not eating indoors at restaurants, but I would eat indoors at a friend’s house.
Anon
I’ve been hanging out indoors with vaccinated friends who I know are generally cautious people. I think the risk is pretty minimal. The seriously ill hospitalized people are unvaccinated.
Anon
This is fine. You’re vaccinated. But if you’re really worried, why not eat brunch outdoors?
anon
Of course that’s fine. Why wouldn’t it be? It makes absolutely no sense to keep life on hold on the off chance someone might get the equivalent of a cold.
Anonymous
This is so ignorant. I’m not saying she shouldn’t do the brunch, but a lot of vaccinated people are getting way more than a “cold” when they catch COVID. I have three vaccinated friends and while one just lost smell/taste, the other two were in bed w a fever for 7-8 days. And there’s the fact that you can spread it, including to unvaccinated children (one of whom was mentioned in this scenario). For many kids, it’s a cold, for many, it’s more.
Anonymous
Right, I think that’s the concern for a lot of us now. I’m actually concerned about getting it at all because of being high-risk, but long Covid would be one of the worst outcomes. I’m extra spooked after learning that an extremely fit ski mountaineer and head athlete on the North Face team had Covid in the spring and only just felt good enough to bike up a mountain this past month – one she probably could’ve done in her sleep before. If she had any particular risk factors for Covid, she didn’t say. An outcome like that can be devastating for anyone, but for a professional athlete? Wow.
anon
A very small chance of getting a flu then if you prefer to call it that. We didn’t put our lives on hold every flu season and I don’t see the need to for this either. You guys can stay alone and miserable forever but it doesn’t make rational sense
No Face
I mean, if over 600,000 Americans died of the flu in less than two years, I would have made some changes.
Anonymous
Do whatever you want to do, but your insults reveal more about your level of misery than ours.
Anon
Not everyone is equally likely to die from COVID. It’s literally a hundred times as likely to kill someone twice my age as it is to kill me. That does not make their deaths okay; it just makes my risk a tiny fraction of their risk.
If I were at the same risk as an elderly person, I would be a hermit. If my kid were at the same risk as an elderly person, we would have moved to the middle of nowhere and gotten socially distanced grocery delivery as our sole form of human contact.
anon
No Face, have 600,000 vaccinated Americans died of delta? That’s what I’m referring to as a mild illness like the cold or the flu. Because for nearly all vaccinated people, that’s what it is. Obviously covid for non-vaccinated people can be much more serious. And I’m not interested in putting my life on hold for them.
Anon
I see Fox News has joined the chat. Ignore anyone who calls Covid-19 the equivalent of a cold or a flu. They’re not interested in the truth.
Walnut
Anon @ 11:32 – I got vax’d so I wouldn’t die of Covid. Not to prevent me from ever getting Covid. Trusting my vaccine does not make me Qanon.
Anonymous
But you can still spread it to a lot of people who can’t get vaccinated yet. So it’s actually not all about your personal risk, but go ahead and keep living your life as if you were the only person on earth.
Anonymous
Anon @ 11:31 AM, comments like this are the reason I’m simmering with rage all day, every day, right now. My kids aren’t vaccinated. I’m sorry that gets in the way of your indoor brunch plans, but kids matter and they can and do get very sick from COVID, sometimes even dying (thankfully rarely). I have friends with immunocompromised kids who have been patiently masking up and waiting for their vaccine, and they should be able to rely on adults to be more selfless than you are.
Anon
Anonymous, healthy kids are less likely to die of COVID than they are of drowning or car accidents. As a mother, I am on my knees in thankfulness that COVID so completely spares children.
No Face
I would feel completely fine doing this with the windows closed, but my standard is “low risk” and not “no risk.” I am comfortable spending time indoors with a small group of fully vaccinated people.
I invited a small fully vaccinated group over for dinner. One person expressed concerns about Delta, so we met outside instead of inside. NBD. This is just life now!
Cat
Same approach here. We regularly see a small circle of vaccinated people indoors, but have also changed plans to outdoors based on the comfort level / risk of all attendees.
Anon
I would have brunch outdoors. It is hard to enjoy yourself when you’re anxious and being outside really lessens the anxiety for me.
Anon
If you’re low risk I see no problem with this.
Anonymous
This is not something you should be concerned about unless someone has symptoms.
Anonymous
I would absolutely do this without any second thoughts.
Senior Attorney
Same.
Anon
i don’t think there is anything wrong with doing this if you are comfortable – it is fairly low risk (and i say this as someone who is super covid cautious). and if you’re not comfortable that is ok too. there is no rule that everyone has to be comfortable with the same risks. i will say that now that we know vaccinated people can still spread covid, DH and I have decided we are not doing any indoor unmasked gathering bc we have two unvaxxed kids at home and our goal is to keep them healthy and in school. so if you decide that you are comfortable with this, talk to your friends and obviously don’t be offended if they aren’t comfortable with it. if you wanted to make it even lower risk, you could all wear masks except for when you are eating, or eat outdoors.
Anon
Same. We saw vaccinated friends indoors unmasked this summer, but now we’re back to outdoors only even among fully vaccinated friends until our kids can get vaxxed (I accept that we’re all getting Covid eventually, but I really want my kids to get vaxxed first). One my kids can get vaccinated, I think we’ll return to basically normal life although we might continue to avoid things that are higher risk/low reward to us, like restaurant indoor dining.
Anonymous
You say you live in a well-vaccinated area, but what is the rate of transmission in your area? That is the metric that matters more right now because vaccinated people can spread Delta and all Covid (99%) in the US is Delta now.
Monte
I’ve been pretty locked down during the pandemic, but I would do this without hesitation. You could ask friends to take their temps before coming over, I suppose, but this sort of interaction really poses very little risk to my mind, particularly these are your friends you trust to be honest about whether they’ve experienced any niggling symptoms leading up to brunch.
Anonymous
I would bet (but have not calculated) that the risk you face from such a brunch is less than many other risks you face in life. For example, if you drive 20 miles you accept a certain (very small) risk of dying in a car crash. A vaccinated person eating with two other vaccinated people is probably facing a similar level or risk.
Anonymous
Would you be comfortable having indoor brunch with two friends during flu season? I liken it to be the same risk, given that you are all vaccinated and in a well vaccinated area.
Anon
These types of questions are so odd to me. Honestly this is not a worry of anyone I know. Vaccinated people see vaccinated people all the time. We have all been socializing for months… and I have kids in daycare and my friends have kids in daycare or school. Life has moved on. We’re not in lock down. You can see people without opening every window in your house. In fact, many of us are back at work or have never left the office.
Anon
I get that. And my friend in Utah got turned away from the ER for a post-surgical complication where she’d otherwise have been admitted because the ER was full. So even though we in my house are vaxxed (3/4 of us, one is too young), now that schools have reopened with people of unknown vax status eating together (the only time they are supposed to be unmasked in my state), something will probably happen where we have COVID in our house sooner or later. I am just resigned to it, but we are basically just living outside for now if we are with people from outside our household. I am heading towards disaster, but still not rushing towards it.
anon
Yeah, I only see this level of concern online. My friends/family are all fully vaxxed, except kids, and I socialize with other fully vaxxed people without concern. I will say that it’s way more common now for people to turn down plans because they have sniffles, mild cold symptoms, etc. now – it just feels like part of the social contract. Trust the vaccine, take symptoms seriously, and live life – that is basically what it looks like in my world.
Anon
I’m having a hard time personally. The official recommendation for people with my medical diagnoses is to behave as if we haven’t been vaccinated at all.
But I would like to think that I’m younger and healthier and have a milder manifestation of my condition
Then Fauci says that even healthy people with breakthrough infections can end up with long COVID, which would be devastating for me given how hard and long I worked to get over severe dysautonomia in the past.
And now my local hospital is in crisis with a full ICU and people waiting 24 hours for triage at the ER!
Anon
i think it depends a lot on where you live and your circle. where i live the infection rate is SO high and now that schools have started again and people want to keep their kids in school they are trying to stay outside as much as possible. there is also no space in the hospitals where i live and while i’m unlikely to need to be hospitalized for covid, i don’t want to contribute to the problem
Anon
Clearly the culture around COVID differs hugely regionally and there is probably also a split of people with kids or health compromised household members and those without. I live in the DC suburbs and don’t know anyone with unvaccinated kids who is socializing indoors, but many of my friends without kids here do that regularly. It’s decent weather here most of the year so just isn’t that big a deal to meet someone to eat outside or go for a hike or something rather than meeting inside which is riskier.
LaurenB
Yes. This is why people need to specify their area when they ask questions like. Some states still have indoor mask mandates (like mine) and high general mask compliance. Others are the wild Wild West.
Anon
I think this is totally fine. This is going to be (and already has been!) a long pandemic – I don’t believe it’s ending anytime soon. So, it’s important to find ways to have fun/blow off steam while still being safe and COVID smart. I think a small group gathering of vaccinated people is totally fine.
roxie
This question makes me assume you HAVEN’T been seeing people since you got vaccinated and that makes me absolutely heartbroken for you.
Yes, you should absolutely have this brunch and do other things too. I am VERY cautious and very covid-anxious (have not eaten inside a restaurant since March 9, 2020) but have been seeing small groups of vaccinated friends regularly and will continue to do so.
Anon
I’ve been seeing people often! But only unmasked outside (which is easy to do in summer). Haven’t done anything indoors with a group.
Anon
I’m high risk (in fact, qualified for a booster which I got last week) so I’m an outside only diner, but I’m still seeing my friends (outside) when I can. If you’re concerned, can you find a place to do your gathering outside?
Also Anon
I’d do it. You’re only inviting a couple people over, you’re keeping the windows open, and you’re all vaccinated in a well-vaxxed area. I think the risk of one of you having COVID, and transmitting it to your friend with a child, and your friend then transmitting it to her kid, is very low. But your friend is also an adult capable of making her own decisions, so I think you invite her and give her enough information to let her decide if it’s worth the risk.
Anon
I see I am in the minority here, but I wouldn’t do it. I am fully vaxx’d but do not socialize indoors with anyone. Delta is just too transmissible, and vaccinated asymptomatic people can spread it. I don’t want to risk it right now.
Anon
Are you supposed to send thank you cards after a funeral, for the flower arrangements and charitable donations?
Every time I look up ettiquette stuff online, I end up in a Victorian rabbit hole of outdated nonsense.
Anon
I sent a donation when a friend’s father died and got a note back. I think you can also parcel out the responsibility among surviving family members if it is too much for any person to tackle or someone is especially shattered. “Thank you for the flowers you sent for Aunt Matilda’s funeral. My uncle was very touched to see them and I think it helped him feel remembered at a time when he was really missing my aunt.” That sort of thing. Simple.
Anon
My Mom died earlier this year. Sending thank you cards never crossed my mind until my sister-in-law ordered some personalized thank you cards for me to send. I did send them to both people who sent flowers and cards. A lot of the cards/flowers came from my SILs family, they are older for the most part, so I think there are generational expectations (my friends were shocked to get a card).
Anonymous
Yes, you send a thank-you note.
Eliza
+1. I hope an expression of gratitude and appreciation is never Victorian nonsense.
Anon
Not even close to what that meant. You’re really going to nitpick and grammar police a grieving person? SMH.
Anon
I’m from a pretty traditional Irish Catholic family / circle. I’d say we receive them 70% of the time, but they are never received immediately after the funeral. Kind of like a wedding – you have some time to get them out. Even still, I would not bat an eye for a second if I didn’t receive one. I think you do whatever is within your bandwidth to handle/process. If it feels right, do it. If you just can’t take on one more thing, then don’t. People don’t send flowers for acknowledgment or thanks, especially in times like these. Sorry for your loss.
Vicky Austin
I do think it would be nice if you feel up to it, or as others have said, parcel it out among trusted friends and relatives. I’m sorry for your loss.
Anonymous
Yes I think you “should” send a card but also if it’s too much then no one is going to be scandalized.
PolyD
I would never expect a thank you note for something I sent to a funeral. Not from the person closest to the deceased, and not even from people a little more distant. We don’t know how other people grieve and it seems a lot to expect a thank you for acknowledging a loss.
Anon
+1 I would never expect this from a grieving family!
Anonymous
We had some family members who wanted to write them, as a way of connecting with people after the funeral. But I personally would never, ever expect one. It seems way over the top to me to expect a person to say thank you in this circumstance. But … I didn’t grow up with stringently enforced social rules, either.
Anon
so technically yes. i am jewish and when my mother passed away two years ago, you could even order thank you notes through the funeral home. i wrote some, my dad wrote some, my sister wrote some. we are very very very lucky and grateful that we have such a wonderful supportive community of family and friends, but it was a lot of notes
Anonymous
Traditionally, yes.
Anon.
Traditionally yes. I think in our area it is common for the funeral home to provide cards, usually with a picture, the obit and maybe a scripture verse, which are used as thank you notes. Some I have received have no “personalization” other than a signed thank you. Some have more of a traditional handwritten thank you as scripted above. Note that it is tradition/standard practice in my community to give cash at a funeral. The cash is intended to help with necessary expenses or be passed on to charity as the family wishes.
Formerly Lilly
They are the norm in my part of the SEUS. Just prior to the visitation for my mother, I went around with my phone and snapped a quick picture of each floral arrangement or plant. So I had a pictorial list of people to thank, and as I had focused on the card showing the sender but with some of the item showing, I could thank them for the “lovely yellow roses” or the “beautiful orchid”.
SEUS
Just had SO’s grandma’s funeral and have a whole log of addresses/names so we can send thank you notes for the post-funeral supper for the family hosted by granny’s church.
I would not expect this from a grieving family, but it’s def. a “know your audience” sort of thing. FWIW, I find this to be a nice way to grieve because I love writing thank you notes, but don’t feel pressured.
Coach Laura
Formerly Lilly – Sorry you lost your mom, but speaking as someone with two 90yo parents and a 90yo MIL, this is a genius idea. I’m going to put it in my list of things to do.
Anon
I would say yes, you are expected to do notes, BUT having been in the shoes of someone grieving, please, as a giver of a gift, DON’T expect it. I lost my husband very unexpectedly at age 30 (I was 28 and pregnant with our first child) and it was just way too much to write 200 thank you notes (even with other family help). I didn’t have the mental capacity or physical time to devote to it. We put a thank you note in our local (small town) newspaper, and when the memorial money was utilized (as we disclosed at the funeral) I wrote a huge thank you on FB. I don’t think anyone thinks less of me or the family for not having written and mailed those notes!
Anon
Yes, if you’re able to you should!
Anon
Traditionally yes. Having been through this personally, this is a tradition that needs to end. It’s asking way too much of the bereaved, and anyone who would get huffy over not receiving a thank you note from a recently bereaved person who is also trying to deal with funeral arrangements and settling an estate is not a very nice person.
Curious
It blows my mind that this is expected. I (Midwestern, white, Catholic, in Seattle now) would absolutely never expect a thank you note from someone grieving. Not judging, just amazed!
Saguaro
I only send a TY note if it is something other than a card, like flowers or a mass card – something they spend money on beyond just a sympathy card. I don’t think it is necessary to send a TY note to someone who sent a sympathy card, in the same way as I don’t send a TY note to someone who sends me a birthday card. I am not downplaying the value of a sympathy card, I just don’t think a TY note is required.
Anon
Yes please, let’s not try to normalize sending thank you notes for greeting cards.
Anon
+1. You don’t need a thank you note for a card or attendance. A gift or charitable donation is different.
Anonymous
I would never expect one. In my experience, people have reached out to me to say thank you and that they appreciated the flowers or whatever after the funeral, usually just in a text or a phone call. And sometimes not at all and that is fine too.
bbb
Is anybody watching Nine Perfect Strangers? I wasn’t a huge fan of the book but I’m two episodes into the show and intrigued. Worth continuing?
LaurenB
Also, has anyone watched The Chair with Sandra Oh? I heard great things about it but so far it’s not doing it for me.
bbb
I have this on my list for one of my next shows!
Anon
I don’t have Netflix but I’m dying to watch this. My mom’s a dean at a university and our entire family works in higher ed.
Anon
Really? I really enjoyed it.
Anon
I loved The Chair! It took me a couple of episodes to really get into it, but it was worth it.
Anon
I loved The Chair. As an academic, I pretty much just wanted to cry the entire time, it felt so real. There were lots things that weren’t realistic, but so many of the character details and interactions were spot on.
Only seen the first three episodes of Nine Perfect Strangers, but they were reasonably entertaining- I liked the book too.
Monday
I finished The Chair recently and have a Humanities PhD. I also found it upsettingly realistic in most ways, particularly to my time as a postdoc in an Ivy League department. Then I went onto academic Reddit to see what others thought, and overall they agreed. How awful that basically an entire field sees itself reflected in a show that cynical.
Monday
Reposting for mod:
I finished The Chair recently and have a Humanities PhD. I also found it upsettingly realistic in most ways, particularly to my time as a postdoc in an Ivy League department. Then I went onto academic Redd!t to see what others thought, and overall they agreed. How awful that basically an entire field sees itself reflected in a show that cynical.
emeralds
Well now I need to watch The Chair.
Anon
I watched at double speed which helped.
Senior Attorney
My husband and I binged all six episodes of The Chair in one evening and enjoyed it a lot.
As for Nine Perfect Strangers, I watched the first episode and it was fine but I haven’t been super excited to finish the rest.
Anon
I liked it and am looking forward to a next season.
A
I loved it.
No Face
So far, I say yes. “Intriguing” is a good word for it. So far, I think I like it better than the book. Not blowing my mind, but I am okay with that.
No Face
Does anyone have a strong opinion about the J Crew Cocoon Coat with Italian Stadium-Cloth Wool? I want a cocoon coat, and these are widely available used.
Anon
I love asymmetry, so I’m digging the three pockets!
Cat
FWIW this coat was insanely popular in my area (Philly) in 2019, like you couldn’t get a salad at sweetgreen without seeing 3 of them in line with you. I tried it on myself and found it reasonably warm and flattering, though for more like 40 degree days than 20.
No Face
Thanks, good info. I have a long down coat for below-freezing days, but I need something for the 45-30 degree range.
PolyD
J Crew seems to have fallen victim to the disappearing wool syndrome. I have a couple of old Lady Day coats that are 96% and 94% wool (and I have an ancient coat from the 1990s that was 100% wool and not insanely expensive at the time), but recently, most of their winter coats are edging down to maybe 50% wool, 50% nylon. This is not a warm combination.
If I want warm, I stick to down. I do miss having a warm, pretty wool coat, though!
anne-on
I plug the Canadian brands often, but Soia & Kyo and Mackage both make amazingly warm wool coats (with actual wool in them!). LK Bennet, Hobbs, and Ted Baker are also good options if this is something you’re truly looking for.
Eliza
Mackage coats are beautifully made and very warm.
No Face
One of the benefits of buying used is that you may get the older, better-made version for less than the new version!
Anonymous
+1 one of the mant reasons I like second hand is because of better quality.
PolyD
I’m always scared of getting bedbugs from used clothing, but maybe I’m too paranoid.
Anon
I set aside a full shelf in my upright basement freezer for Posh purchases. I open the box in the garage, check for issues that might require return, then seal it up in a big ziplock and stick it in the freezer for a few weeks.
Anon
I’ve been buying used clothing for 15 years, no moths or bedbugs
Anonymous
I feel like it’s highly unlikely that anyone selling high end stuff online has untreated bed bug issues.
Anon
J Crew coats never fits me right, but if you like them why not? I think it’s a stylish coat.
PLB
I have the J Crew Factory version in Kelly green. I love it and always receive compliments when I wear it (color and structure). However, I live in coastal Southeast so I cannot speak to whether it will keep one warm in cooler climates.
Sloan Sabbith
Have it, love it! I have it in bright pink and I get a lot of compliments. Definitely not for icy cold weather, but perfect for everything 30-45.
No Face
That is the exact temperature range I am trying to cover.
Purchased from ebay for $60. Thanks all!
How to say no
My husband often asks me to do things for him like “can you get me a glass of water/my slippers/my computer charger” or will try to offload his chores on me “oh did you say you were going to buy that gift for my dad?” Or “did you say you were going to get the windshield wipers changed?” Please note overall my husband carries a decent chunk of housework/chores/child care – probably 40 him/60 me (It’s a work in progress…)
My immediate response is always an inner feeling of rage, as I never ask him to do these things for me (I get my own damn glass of water). I understand that someone asking their partner to get them a glass of water isn’t unreasonable, but it’s often after I’ve just sat down after putting the baby to sleep or when it’s really inconvenient for me. And obviously I don’t want to do his chores…
I often just say no – but how would you handle this? What’s the best response in this scenario. We’ve discussed previously how it bothers me but he keeps doing it. Is he just being a jerk or am I over reacting?
Of note, I am not a people pleaser type person and say no all the time to others professionally/personally!
Anon
Normally I would say this could be a love language mismatch (he likes receiving “acts of service” more than you like giving it). This is true in my case. After a long day I love when my husband brings me water etc. when I am crashing on the couch, and sometimes ask for it. I do a whole bunch of things for him though, e.g. I bring him tea to his desk in the morning if I make it and he is working.
But given the rest of the context you provided, I dont think there is enough reciprocation so just tell him you dont want to do it, or set ground rules for yourself about when you may do it, and what kinds of things you would be okay doing. For example, bring him stuff when he’s sick or very busy with a work deadline, but not all the time. Order something if you are anyway placing an order and he mentions something to add to it.
Anonymous
“I just got the baby to sleep so I’m gonna chill here for a bit. I can get it for you when I get up again.”
or “I’m wiped so I’m going to put my feet up for a few minutes. I’d love a glass of water though if you are going.”
I’d also start asking him for stuff. Like you might as well get him to bring you stuff if he’s expecting you get him stuff. And he should be training the dog to get his slippers. That would bother me.
Anon
My partner and I will ask little favors, like a glass of water, but only when the other person is up. Or if the cat is on you, then the rule is that you can’t get up.
Anonymous
I feel like that’s a different vibe from what OP is talking about. Like DH and I will totally call out to ‘please bring me the charger when you come downstairs’ or ask for a glass of water when the other person is up but it’s usually something incidental to what the other person is doing. This seems more like OP’s partner is passive aggressively trying to offload chores. The phrasing he is using would drive me nuts.
Anon
That rule is a classic in my house as well. Can’t disturb the fuzzy darling.
Anon
Anon at 1.36 I just wanted to say we have the same “cat on you = can’t get up” rule – glad its not just us :)
Anonymous
Me three for that rule. Can not disturb the furry overloads.
Anon
Me four
Anonymous
The answer to “did you say that you would…” is “Nope, I didn’t say that but while you’re getting the windshields wipers can you grab me some X? Thanks! Super appreciate it.” Then go do something else. Don’t stand around waiting to debate it.
In theory you could have a reasonable conversation and he would stop but he isn’t so you’re going to have to train him that every time he suggests that you volunteered to do his chores, it doesn’t get him the chore done – it just adds another chore to his plate. That will put an end to it pretty quick.
Anonymous
My husband and I operate under the assumption that it’s a good thing to make someone’s life easier. If I were sitting on the couch with a cat on my lap, my husband would 100% refill my water for me. If I had an easy day at work and we needed to get a gift for DH’s mother ASAP to get it there on time for her birthday, I would 100% buy the gift and send it. The trick is that it has to be mutual, regular, and not part of “score-keeping.”
Anon
I mean, feel free to say no if you are truly inconvenienced but if you are standing at the sink and your husband is in another room and he asks for a glass of water, that’s not a hardship on you and saying no is petty.
If you’re farther from the sink and more settled in than he is, then he’s just being lazy.
Anonymous
I’m confused by this comment. She was specifically talking about times that she’s already sitting down and he asks for something. I don’t think it’s malicious on his part but I get why it’s annoying. My husband does this when he’s focused on something (book, TV) and not really paying attention to where I am at the moment. Sometime he shouts like he thinks I’m in another room but I’m sitting right next to him. Usually I silently side eye him from the couch (or say dude I’m not deaf, or poke him on the cheek/side/ticklish spot) and he’s like oh sorry didn’t see that you already sat down need anything from the kitchen?
roxie
if i just sat down on the couch and then my husband asked me to get up and get him water i would set both the couch and the man on fire.
Anon
Hahaha. Exactly
Anonymous
This would drive me nuts so you have my sympathies. You’ve already talked to him about it, so at this point I would come up with cute pithy responses that remind him that no you’re not going to do that but also save your sanity and maybe amuse everyone a little. Keep it light.
– *reaches hand in general direction of faucet across the room* sorry I’m still working on my stretch Armstrong skills, not there yet. Or if you’re younger, darn my webbing ran out, guess I gotta find a radioactive spider.
– Oh no, my ears stopped working as soon as I sat down!
– BEEP you have reached my after hours mailbox please call back during normal business hours.
– Error: request not found.
roxie
You are not overreacting, and he is being a jerk.
Net time he does it I would note in the moment the pattern and quite frankly the audacity of these ongoing requests. I would demand he answer why he keeps doing it when you’ve told him to stop. I would tell him I have deep rage when he does it and it is threatening the quality of our relationship. I would demonstrate the seriousness of it.
if he doesn’t understand that, i would require couples counseling.
Esther
To me a crucial thing about the chore one is whether he’s doing it on purpose. If he is truly just a bit absent minded and can’t quite remember where you guys landed on the wipers then that’s a bit annoying but you might just need to accept that you’ll probably need to have the “no, I wasn’t going to do that” conversation a few more times. But if you think he might be doing it on purpose, ie he knows that was his job and is underhandedly trying to get out of it at your expense…. well I think that is a pretty mean thing to do to your wife actually.
Anon
What are modern marriages… if I was sitting and my husband was sitting and he asked me to get him a glass of water I’d be like ??? Does he want a personal butler? I don’t know how to handle this, because it would really be a dealbreaker to me to be treated like this.
anon a mouse
I have this blazer from 2 years ago and the featured photo confirms my biggest pet peeve: the sleeves are way too long! It’s lovely fabric, but because it’s knit with a smooth finished edge (no hem) there’s no easy way to shorten the sleeves.
Anon
Ooh I should order it then. I have arms like Lurch.
Sybil
I’m looking for vneck tees that are a step up in quality from Old Navy. Am I being obtuse and Gap is the answer? I’ve heard the Gap tees aren’t actually that much better but haven’t worn them for years. Open to other suggestions, I just want to buy like five in a variety of colors and be done for awhile. L in ON tees, but generally XL otherwise, large chest.
Anon
I think Gap and Old Navy tees are about the same quality. Talbots tees are a really nice weight and wear well.
Cat
Lands End fabric will wear the best, but they tend to run boxy. I usually pick up a few from JCrew Factory every other summer or so and just expect to need to replace.
Anon
Another vote for Land’s End. A noticeable step up in quality from Target.
If you have a Sears with a Land’s End you can check them out in person. (This advice is pre-pandemic. If this setup has changed since March 2020, I wouldn’t know)
Anon
I think Gap t-shirts are way better quality than Old Navy.
Emma
I’ve been buying a lot of the BR T shirts on sale and really liking them so far.
anon
+1 to BR t shirts. Also picked up a few at the BR outlet and they are pretty good quality for not much money.
Anon
+1 to BR shirts on sale. I wear their nice tees every day as my ‘tech-industry zoom uniform’, and they’re great.
Curious
+1. I actually see a qualify difference for these, less so for Gap.
Anonymous
I really liked Madewell’s tees.
j
Universal Standard! I’m the same size and love their Ts. They’re more expensive, for sure, but they wash and wear beautifully. They were recently on sale, too.
Agurk
I wish I liked these more. I find the sizing inconsistent, and the arms are weirdly long and tight. They hold up really well if you air dry them though
Anonnymouse
Agreed! Their V-Rex tee is may favorite. The long sleeve version is great too.
NeglectedHeels
The gap fit breathe v-neck is my holy grail t-shirt. I’ve been buying them for 8 years and nothing else comes close. They are super soft and comfy but sturdy and long-lasting. I buy two or three of each color that I like and I’m set for years. I’m still wearing several that I purchased 4+ years ago and I wear these nearly daily! They are a little longer than what is currently trendy but I like the coverage and have no need for anything to show my bellybutton. I wear a size S so not sure how they fit on a XL frame but I hope they work for you as well as they work for me!
Ses
I get these in large and they’re also a favourite. I bought multiples in the same colour for workouts and just ended up wearing them all the time.
They are thin and drapey though, so it’s like the opposite of the JCrew ones.
anne-on
I really like the Boden t’s for ‘nice’ t-shirts. The slash neck ones are a current favorite, but you might like their ‘voop’ – v neck and scoop neck mashup.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I recommend LLBean ones, which are really nice quality. Talbots are nice quality but I find they run short, which may be especially exacerbated if you have a large chest.
Anonymous
+1. The LL Bean tees are the way to go. Supima cotton, nice colors, way better quality than Old Navy.
Anonymous
I’m very cheap so take with a grain of salt, but I like Uniqlo tees. You will probably want an XL but check their size chart.
BB
American Giant. The quality is amazing and will last forever.
Agurk
Or almost forever. Mine are finally wearing out after seven years. They run small though
Anon.
Have you tried the Luxe version from ON? Fabric feels nicer than their basic version.
Pompom
This is my shape, and I love the Lands End pima tees. They are excellent quality, less boxy than a lot of other widely available options, and come in good basic colors (with some seasonal options).
I bought 4 of the white ones at once to keep around just in case…laundry mishaps happen!
Agurk
I have your shape and my new favorite are the bamboo tees from Onno.
Vicky Austin
J. Crew maybe?
Anon
LOFT
Anon
Uniqlo! They are soft, medium weight, totally opaque, and last a good while.
Anon in Dallas
If you want the t-shirts to have some stretch, I bought some a few months ago at target and I am super happy with them
Men’s Suits Recs?
Hi all – Any recommendations on best luxury men’s suit brands? Looking for a dapper suit for my partner for work. I like the European cut but wouldn’t want want anything too tight. No limit on budget. We’ll also do custom but looking for something I can buy now and have tailored.
j
My husband is a big fan of Suit Supply suits – they have more basic ones and more fashion ones. I think he looks great!
Anonymous
Ditto Suit Supply. Their higher end suit lines look really great – DH purchased a couple in $1K range with tailoring and they are the right degree of fashionable and well tailored for biglaw partner in court.
kag
+1
Anonymous
My husband buys a LOT of suits. His favorites are Zegna, Tom Ford, Canali, and his all time favorite is Oxxford (two x’s).
Cat
So this is going to vary a lot by build. My husband looks dressed more expensively in Jos A Banks than he does in Brooks Brothers because for whatever reason the Jos A Banks fit model must be closer to his own proportions. You’ll need to try on brands to see which suits his frame the best.
Boss is very popular among execs at my org.
emeralds
Agreed, fit really matters. Unless you’re doing custom, I don’t think you can avoid having him go to a store to try stuff on (which he’d have to do anyway for tailoring, right?).
Emma
SO has a Tiger of Sweden suit that is gorgeous. But it really depends on buid, so I would go to a nice department store and try things in person.
Anon
My husband has several Ermenegildo Zegna suits and they are gorgeous. The fabric is really nice and the fit/cut is slim and flattering. He can get custom fitted. They are very pricey but he looks amazing in them and I think they are very classic.
Anonymous
For your custom: Oswald Boateng is fabulous.
Zegna, Boss, Boglioli and Tom Ford are all great options.
Agree with posters above that you want to consider body type. Is he lanky? compact? tall?
If he’s very tall, Tiger of Sweden and Oscar Jacobsen (also Sweden) and Boss will be more geared towards taller men, since Northern Europeans generally are taller. Traditionally, an Italian suit will be looser than an English one, and any European a lot tighter than US ones.
Think about a celebrity who has a similar build and can rock a dapper suit and see which brands they wear over and over again, those will work well with him. Tall and skinny? (6 f 2 and above) Look at Tom Hiddleston’s suits. Still tall, but more muscular? Idris Elba. Still tall, and more compact? Gerard Butler. Smaller? Donald Glover’s 5 f 9, Zac Efron’s 5 f 8. Narrow /sloping shoulders? Benedict Cumberbatch. Non-defined waist compared to chest/hips? David Beckham (who looks fantastic in Tom Ford).
I think Donald Glover is one of the most interesting male dressers out there, and he wears Gucci a lot, and some McQueen.
Anon
Is your partner male or female? If the latter, https://www.dapperq.com/ has some good recs.
Men’s Suit Recs
OP here – Thank you all so much! He’s 6’ 1” and solid. Kind of Gerard Butler-ish, but when he’s between roles, not during Sparta filming (lol!).
These are great tips, thanks so much! This is a great starting point for me!
Anonymous
Some of Gerard Butler’s best suits will have been Hugo Boss, since he was their face for the main Boss fragrance before Ryan Reynolds.
Anonymous
Look at Henry Cavill as well, for more compact with thicker thighs etc.
Senior Attorney
If you are in Los Angeles or Orange County I can hook you up with my husband’s tailor for custom made. He does beautiful work although they’re quite pricey.
Coach Laura
My dapper son got a great Boss suit at Nordstroms and their tailoring is usually top notch.
LadyB
Looking to do some fun clothes shopping. Any recommendations for boutiques where you can order online?
Anonymous
My strategy for finding such boutiques it to google an item I really like. Boutiques that carry it will come up in the search results, and are likely to carry other things that are your style.
Anonnymouse
I haven’t bought anything, but I’ve been drooling over Farm Rio’s stuff. The Kit also has great prints.
Anon
Just looking at Farm Rio is my happy place.
Lydia
Wolf and Badger curates stuff from small shops and designers. Also, Garmentory.
Anonymous
I’ll put in a plug for two of my favorite local boutiques (Utah): The Stockist and Katie Waltman.
NeglectedHeels
What are your recommendations for warmest winter coats this year? I live very close to Canada in a very windy place. I’ve had the Colombia Apres Arson for several years and loved it but it is a little deflated and I would love something new this year. This needs to be warm enough to wear outside for several hours in -20 degree weather. I prefer something longer that comes to mid-thigh if not the knee. Also a big fan of faux-fur around the face for warmth. I’m not interested in the flashy logos of Canada Goose although I’m happy to spend that much money if there is another similar recommendation!
anne-on
I got this a few years ago and it is so warm that I actually sweat if I wear it in weather above 20 degrees F. I’m 5’4, so it comes to the knee on me and runs a bit big. I wore it for watching hockey/skating at an outdoor rink for about an hour and was nicely warm in it. They will usually send a 20% off code if you sign up for their newsletter.
https://www.soiakyo.com/us/en/camelia-slim-fit-brushed-down-coat-with-leather-trims/CAMELIA.html
This one also seems nice with the lined hood:
https://www.soiakyo.com/us/en/saundra-classic-down-coat-with-a-faux-sherpa-lined-hood/SAUNDRA-NFS.html?dwvar_SAUNDRA-NFS_color=COL150&cgid=women-downs-and-parkas#start=11&cgid=women-downs-and-parkas
Emma
Seconding the mention of Canadian brands above. I have a Kanuk and it’s the best thing I’ve purchased – it’s 4 years old and looks great, reasonably sleek (acceptable in my Canadian biglaw office) and super warm. Mackage, Soia & Kyo, Nobis and Quartz also have good options.
Anonymous
I am in Northern Canada and have an Indyeva (formerly Indygena) longish down parka and it is super warm for its relatively light weight. Regular price is kind of high but I got mine on sale. I’m not sure about US availability but if you’re close to us maybe you can pop over and pick one up? A friend of mine swears by Moose Knuckles but I don’t love their styling. Canada Goose makes a “black label” collection without the blue and white logo and I have to tell you that CG is my go-to for dog-walking/snowshoeing when it is minus 40 here before the windchill – I have never found anything warmer.
pugsnbourbon
I had a Land’s End down coat that I got in high school and only retired last year (after 16 years). This one is rated to -25 and is on deep discount: https://www.landsend.com/products/womens-winter-maxi-long-down-coat-with-hood/id_327570?attributes=8063,43307,43326,43398,44256,44312,44967
anon
This is what I have for and it has been going for 10+ years. It is kind of like wearing a sleeping bag (which I enjoy) and has kept me warm in very, very cold temps (upper Midwest and snow belt NE).
Daffodil
+1. I’ve had this same coat for over 10 years and it’s still going strong.
NYCer
I find my Soia and Kyo down coat to be very very warm.
NYCer
Oops, I just see that anne-on recommended this brand in the first response. I have the same coat that she linked.
Anon
I post this everytime it comes up, Aritzia Super Puff. I have tried Canada Goose and found the Super Puff just as warm and actually cuter.
anon
I went through a similar search (but am actually in Canada). I tried on sooooooooooo many coats and ended up with one of the non-fur Canada Goose coats after being very opposed on principal. The boxy coat fit my shoulders really well, the zipper was great, the pockets deep and warm.
The closest contender was Arcteryx, at the same price point.
anon
Responding again – I went “black label” which is way less flashy for the coat.
Seafinch
Ottawa, Canada here and I commute on foot in a Lands End Stadium parka. It is very often too hot and I have to unzip it. They will last 30 years.
Anon
I got a canada goose with an all-black patch and the logo doesn’t stand out as much. For work I am often traveling to very cold countries – worth the investment, have had it for 5 years and still looks new.
Mott and Bow jeans?
have only seen this brand on social media, but it looks really good. Any IRL experience?
Anon
I keep hearing how it’s a job seekers market but in the last six months or so I’ve applied for probably half a dozen positions in my large organization that I’m well qualified for and I haven’t gotten a single interview. In the past I’ve had a much higher success rate with a very targeted job search like this (obviously if you’re applying more broadly you expect a lower response rate). I can’t move geographically and my industry supports hybrid work but doesn’t have a lot of fully remote positions, so I pretty much have to wait until I can get a new position at my current employer. My current job is so toxic and I want out but I can’t quit until I have a new job. Anyone else experiencing this? It is frustrating to hear people talking about how they have nine open positions they can’t fill or whatever, and then to apply again and again with no response.
Anon
If you’re internal and just applying like you don’t work there, you’re doing it wrong. It also looks crazy to apply to multiple positions at the same place. People are looking to hire people genuinely interested in a role, not people pulling the escape hatch. Pick the position best suited to you and network, this should be very easy at the same company.
Anon
100% correct. I work a large organization where there’s lots of opportunity for lateral movement, if the person wanting to move handles it correctly. Common practice, when I get an internal applicant for a position, is for me to ask around and see if the person has applied to other positions in my department or elsewhere. If I hear “oh yeah, that person applied for my job too” from several people, that’s not a good look. That goes double if the job I have open is very different from the jobs my colleagues/friends have open in their organizations. It looks like the applicant just wants an escape hatch, as Anon at 10:32 said, and doesn’t care what they do in their job. That doesn’t bode well for my organization, where I need people who have a certain kind of expertise and are willing to develop further expertise as they work on projects. (Example: a couple of years ago in my company, there was a woman who made it known she was desperate to leave her current org and she applied for about ten different jobs in an effort to leave. She was a smart person with good skills, but a lot of hiring managers – myself included – were turned off by the “I just need a job, any job” mentality. What if she gets into my organization and feels the same way and wants to leave after a year? Also, after a certain number of internal applications with no interviews, or interviews with no offer, an applicant develops kind of a bad reputation amongst hiring managers – I have to wonder why I should be interested in this person if no one else wants them? All good reasons to keep the number of internal applications to a minimum.)
My favorite way to hire internally is when I post a position, and a person interested in the position reaches out to me to ask for an informational interview so they can ask questions about the position. We have a chat and feel out whether we think there’s a match before they even apply. I also like it when I have a fellow manager refer someone to me; I have had fellow managers refer their internal mentees or friends to me when I have an open position. This is why building internal networks is important: in large organizations mentors, friends, close coworkers, etc. help support your career as you move laterally or up. I don’t know if all large organizations are this way but in mine people have to internally market themselves and make connections to be successful; it’s not like once you’re in, you’re in and your networking days are over and you’ll be able to move up in your career just by showing up for work every day.
OP, I understand this is hard to suss out if someone isn’t explicit with you about it. That’s why I think your next move, rather than continuing to apply to internal jobs, is to find a mentor within your organization that can help you navigate the culture and understand how internal job moves work. It can be different in different companies and you need advice on how to make it work in your company, if you really want to stay there. Good luck.
Anon
I applied to these jobs successively, not all at once. The organization is huge (>10,000 employees) so I really doubt the hiring managers all know each other. Even if they have access to my application history, the positions I’ve applied to are all ones that make sense for me, many of them would be a slight step up (I’m qualified, but it’s logical that I would want the new job) so I don’t think it looks crazy on paper or like I’m applying to any job and don’t care what I do. The jobs all have essentially the same title, just different teams, so it’s not like I’m applying to many different kinds of jobs.
I hear you on the internal networking. I have done some of that, but I could probably do more.
Anon
In my 15,000-employee corporation, there are only 1,000 managers. When you narrow that down to area of expertise, one particular area might only have 50 to 100 managers in it. Some of our departments only have 10 or 20 managers total. We have management-only meetings our employees may not always know about. We’re in leadership training and professional development classes together. We travel together on higher-level project teams. We meet up for drinks after work because it’s awkward to socialize with our direct reports, so who do you think we socialize with? Other managers. If you think managers don’t talk, you’re being naive. And yes, even the serial (vs concurrent) multiple applications are a problem. If I’m being honest you may have burned yourself in your current organization; you need to do some networking and find out. Lack of response is, in itself, a response. It’s not just your qualifications people look at; it’s also your demeanor, your attitude, your professionalism, your ability to get along with others, etc. It doesn’t matter how qualified you are; if people know you directly or by reputation and don’t want to work with you, that will hold you back.
Anon
I’m not disputing at all that managers talk, and I think it’s very possible that the current people I work with have bad-mouthed me. I’m denying that my application history looks fishy or like I’m just throwing resumes at every job opening my company has. I’m applying for a very narrow set of positions in my field that are very similar to what I’m doing currently and that would be an appropriate next career step. I know that’s not enough to get a job. Clearly, since I haven’t gotten an interview, it’s not enough. But there’s nothing about my application history that should raise eyebrows to an objective outsider, contrary to what the Anons at 10:32 and 11:19 seemed to be suggesting.
Anon
It’s a good thing you know everything already, OP. I can tell you though that at my company (also large), 6 applications in 6 months makes you look desperate and problematic.
Anon
Why? Isn’t that a relatively normal rate of job applications for someone job hunting, assuming each position is a good fit for the applicant? I understand that applying to many types of jobs or jobs you aren’t qualified for makes you look desperate, and that applying to like 10 jobs a week looks manic even if you’re qualified for all of them. But one job application per month is on the lighter end for someone who is seriously looking for a new job, no?
Anon
One application a month, in a targeted manner, looks like someone who wants to move up and their own department doesn’t have the opportunity.
Anon
Outside perspective: you’ve applied for a half-dozen positions at your current company AND your current company is “toxic.” I can almost guarantee that you are being badmouthed to other departments when someone puts out feelers to see if you would be a good fit.
Apply elsewhere, even if you have a long commute. Hybrid work makes that easier. If this is not at all possible, provide a bit more information so we can give advice about moving into an adjacent industry or finding fully remote/”98% remote” roles.
You say that a geographic move is not possible and local roles are basically at your company. I’m imagining that it’s a situation wherein, for example, you are married to a farmer or college professor in a small town with one big company. If that isn’t the case, consider moving. Consider consulting.
Anon
Yes, it’s a situation like that. No major employers within 100 miles except my organization, schools and hospitals. Moving is not possible for a variety of reasons. Many companies in my industry are open to a mostly remote work arrangement for day to day work, but not to hiring someone who doesn’t live locally. Frustratingly, my employer hires fully remote employees who live anywhere now so I sort of have the worst of both worlds, competing with the national pool for local jobs but unable to apply nationally for the most part. I have my eyes peeled but have only seen one external fully remote job this year in my field, versus the six internally.
You may well be right that people in my group are bad-mouthing me if asked, but I’m not sure what to do about that. I think they’d be glad to be rid of me so they shouldn’t be torpedoing my chances of getting another job, but I suspect they are.
Anon
When you job search, do you use LinkedIn’s “remote” job feature? This may only be available on Premium; as someone with similar geographic constraints, I found it to be worth paying for.
Anon
Thanks for the tip. I was searching mostly on Indeed and a page specific to my field where most relevant jobs are posted. I will look into this.
Anonymous
I think a lot of the job market is painted with a broad brush—yes, there are a TON of openings for warehouse work or restaurants. Not the same for my white collar profession. There are only so many things you can control, however, so I’d suggest having someone review your resume and LinkedIn profile.
Monday
Anecdotally this is what I’m seeing too in health care. Lots of entry-level openings but not lots of mid-level or higher.
Anon
Same, I’m finding very little for senior SMEs in my field. It’s all entry level.
AugNon
Ditto this. Applying for in-house experienced legal roles (esp remote ones) is still a numbers game, with dozens or 100+ applications for the one role.
Anon
We need two commercial counsel roles (one mid and one senior) filled and it has been challenging overall for us to backfill (not enough internal candidates who want to move/timing is wrong). Outside counsel (Big Law) I work with is also having the same problem, as are the local “big” law firms. .
Anyway, it’s a good law department and these roles can be fully remote for the right person. If you’re interested, please post a burner and I will share.
anon
I’m interested! My burner email is snn1326 at outlook dot com. Thank you!
Anonymous
Does your manager (or a trusted manager) know that you’re applying? Can they spread your name around as an awesome candidate? Are those positions truly “open” or were they open with a candidate in mind? Do you speak with the managers who have 9 open positions prior to applying? What do they say about it? You need to get some more information about why you’re failing here, because it’s strange. Talk to your HR partner, your manager or a trusted manager, and any of the hiring managers and get what you’re lacking.
Anon
Any recommendations for a hair product that will de-gunk my hair? It feels like I have a lot of accumulated product buildup on my hair and scalp. Years ago I used to get a clarifying treatment done at the salon that would do wonders, but my current salon didn’t even know what I was talking about when I asked. I’m seeing tons of clarifying treatments online, and would love recommendations.
Anon
Been using since I was 13: https://www.neutrogena.com/products/haircare/the-anti-residue-shampoo/6801640.html
anonymous
+1 to Neutrogena. I have heard the Kristen Ess clarifying shampoo is also good. I think it’s at Target.
HW
+1 Neutrogena anti residue shampoo
Anon
I’m no expert, but isn’t that just shampoo? Specifically, a cheap one that’s not meant to be particularly gentle.
Anon
All you need is a clarifying shampoo. If you want to go even further, do a bentonite clay mask (the clay + apple cider vinegar + water). Your hair will feel stripped and dry, but it works. Use a really good deep conditioner afterwards and your hair will feel like knew.
Anon
If you don’t want to buy a special shampoo you could rinse your hair with vinegar and/or wash it with dish soap.
aBr
$1.99 Sauve – or whatever the price has marginally increased to now. I’ve bought lots of fancy clarifying treatments (living proof has a good one) but nothing beats old school cheap shampoo to really strip your hair.
Cat
+1, I once did this out of desperation as I’d forgotten my own shampoo, and I don’t think I have ever had cleaner – albeit incredibly straw-like – hair.
Anon
Sauve Daily Clarifying is the HG product for stripping when you start CGM. It works great, smells good, and costs almost nothing.
anne-on
I’ve heard good things from using an acid to strip – this is one of the guides:
https://www.thestrategist.co.uk/article/ordinary-glycolic-review.html
Tea/Coffee
Add a handful of baking soda to your regular shampoo. I do this maybe once every couple weeks and it really leaves everything feeling squeaky clean. I do find that i need to condition afterwards (don’t always).
anonchicago
Neem shampoo! My mom got me into this years ago and it really works. Usually need a few washes to get all the gunk out, but once it’s done the difference in my hair texture is amazing.
Anon
DpHue has an Apple Cider Vinegar type of rinse for this purpose. My friend swears by this. She always knows it’s going to be a good hair day when she uses it. I think Ulta now carries DpHue or you can order online at their site. They send out lots of discounts if you sign up for them. I really like some of their other products. I have a few grays and their hair gloss products are all I need when I’m looking for a quick cover.
No Face
I use clarifying shampoo about every four months. I use As I Am Curl Clarity.
Vicky Austin
I love the smell of Kenra and they have a good clarifying shampoo available at Ulta.
Anon
I use a mix of 1 part Apple Cider Vinegar to 2 parts water. Saturate the hair with it for 5-10 minutes and rinse. This works wonders on my hair and even helps with the gunky feeling caused by hard water.
Anon
Yes. Malibu Hard Water Wellness Remedy is what my salon uses, and it works great. It comes in a little packet full of powder that you reconstitute and leave on the hair for 10 minutes. My scalp tingles and itches a bit while it’s on, but no harm done. The difference if I’ve let it go for too long is night and day.
roxie
Pacifica Rosemary Detox Scalp Scrub – available at target and i LOVE it!
Anonymous
I love the Christophe Robin purifying scalp scrub for this. I use it when I have too many days of dry shampoo accumulated and it cuts right through it and leaves my scalp feeling super clean.
Anon
When I need this I grab my teenage son’s Head and Shoulders shampoo and wash twice (lather-rinse-repeat). Sometimes you really need those good old-fashioned sulfates.
KW
I have a pair of black jeans that I love but that have faded. Is it worth it to try to dye them? Is Rit the best option or is there a better clothing dye?
Anon
No. Buy a new pair.
Anonymous
Not worth staining your washer and Ritt color fades quickly.
Monday
Maybe unhelpful take: authentically faded black jeans are cool. If they’re your favorites, keep wearing them.
If you’re definitely giving up otherwise, no harm can come of trying to dye them. You could go for black, though it may look uneven. Or if you’re feeling more open you could use a different color and it would come out muted due to the previous color of the fabric.
Anon
+1 on faded black. I personally dislike black jeans that aren’t faded, they look like wannabe pants rather than denim.
Anon
agreed, love naturally faded black jeans
Dr. The Original ...
A bottle of dye is a few bucks, a wash and an extra cycle to ensure all dye is out of the machine is pennies… no harm in trying to dye, knowing you may need to replace them. Might as well try if you like them or prefer to try it versus replacement shopping!
Senior Attorney
This makes me so happy. DOCTOR The Original!
Vicky Austin
Love that new handle on you!
Anon
:) :) :) :)
So excited for you!!
Anonymous
I re-dye my blacks using rit about once a year it works pretty well especially for natural fibres (synthetics is where it gets dicey). Personally I do it because its environmentally friendly and way easier than sourcing new to me garments that I love just as much.
Anon
Can’t hurt, might help, might not work. I had a beloved pair of black work pants and tried the Rit dye to refresh the black and it only marginally helped – they looked a bit darker, but I eventually ended up having to replace them after a couple more wears. Not sure I followed the directions completely correctly, so you might have a better outcome. Make sure you buy the right Rit for synthetic vs. organic fabric.
Question for prosecutors
DH and I are pregnant w our first, and divided on choosing a last name. I grew up with a double last name (eg. Smith Johnson) and happily dropped one to have a hypenated married name (eg. Smith-Williams). DH toyed with the idea of hyphenating, but finally decided it was an important family thing to stay just “Williams”.
Now he’s announced he wants to name baby Smith and not Williams. I would probably pick a hyphenated or double name, and I have always known it would be shortened to Williams most of the time.
He is a prosecutor in our small town, and has pissed a few people off. Chances are good he will stay in the same job for the foreseeable future.
Part of me thinks it’s a huge over-reaction to choose a name based on a people’s opinions about a parent’s job, because people will know anyway. But on the other hand, it would be pretty terrible to see kiddo get constantly fouled in sports because of the name on their short, or something.
Suggestions? Advice?
Anon
How much crime is there in your town that you are really worried about kids taking it out on your kid in what, 8 years? And it’s so small that prosecutors’ kids are in the same school as major felons’ kids? In which case, that kid should eat his Wheaties, regardless of last name, and maybe make friends with the kids of the police? B/c no criminal I’ve ever met at court really thinks of prosecutors; they seem to have it out for the police much, much more.
And I’m Southern, but naming a kid Smith Williams (using mom’s side’s last names as first names) is done all the time, regardless of gender.
OP
Well, it’s mostly the neo-nazi gangs we worry about–they do occasionally fixate on prosecutors (we’ve been through it 2x already). Their kids have just as much right to attend school as anyone else. I have no doubt there are plenty of other kids who could be friends, but DH’s reputation is potentially a real issue.
Monday
So the kids would have mom’s last name? I think that’s awesome. I know one family who has done this, but wish more did.
Anon
Yeah, I was thinking just seize the opportunity for kiddo to have your last name, OP.
anon
I’m usually pretty you-do-you about any naming things, but I (silently) think the family I know who did this is super weird–it’s essentially denying the father’s paternity. I know it’s not fair that we traditionally pass down the father’s name and ignore the mother, but it is the tradition and having a kid who doesn’t share their father’s name (at least hyphenated) says that they are not his kid. You can of course explain, but it is not a conversation I’d want to have about my marriage all the time.
Monday
OMG
Anon
Congrats on the functioning time machine, person from the 1800s.
BeenThatGuy
bhahaha brilliant!
Anone
Funny, but I think she is trying to help. It’s about having awareness of other people’s opinions about a thing, not necessarily agreeing with those opinions. I don’t agree with people who would judge children (or their parents) based on last names, but it happens, especially if OP does not live in a progressive part of the country. it is good to be aware of potential consequences before making a major decision involving your child.
Anonymous
Wow have fun clutching those pearls.
Aunt Jamesina
Well then you’re really gonna freak out when you find out that my husband and I are planning on giving different last names to each of our kids if we’re able to have two.
anonshmanon
You are saying since it’s tradition we should just keep doing the thing that is super-weird and unfair?
Anon
I just can’t with this comment. No rational person thinks this.
Monday
“She has my last name because I was sleeping around a lot when she was conceived. Who knows who her father is?”
anon
What even is this nonsense?!
Anon
Eh if the parents have different last names you’ll get plenty of questions about marital status anyway, and that doesn’t deter many people from doing it.
Signed, a teacher once told an entire class my parents were divorced. They are not divorced. My mom just kept her own last name.
Anonymous
Really? My husband and I have different last names and we have never once had fielded questions about our marital status.
Anon
Hahaha no I’ve been married for 23 years and my last name is different than my kids’ and my husband’s. It has never, ever, even one time been an issue. Ever.
Seventh Sister
I kept my name and it’s really never been an issue with my two kids. Now, I do live in a major urban metropolis, but still…
Anon
To be fair, I grew up in the 80s and 90s in a small Midwest city. It was pretty uncommon for married couples to not share a last name unless divorce was involved. I believe the only other kids in my class who didn’t share their mother’s name had divorced/remarried parents. But my friends who kept their names in the 2010s do say they’re occasionally asked about their marital status.
To be clear, I don’t think it’s that big a deal! Just that if you’re going to freak out about someone possibly thinking you’re not married to your child’s father, you probably wouldn’t keep your name in the first place, so clearly OP’s decision-making is not being driven by a terror of being asked if she’s divorced. Which is totally reasonable, because answering the occasional question about your marital status is not that big a deal.
Anon
I recently volunteered at a school event where I had to hand out school gear each family ordered. Each time I would ask “last name?” and there was this whole confusion. We would try mom last name, then dad last name, as they try to figure out who placed the order. At times the parent who placed the order did it under the kid’s name and there were instances where this was different. A couple kids had hyphenated last names of both parents. Many Asian parents entered in a westernized version of their name and some didn’t. A couple parents entered an initial when they filled out the form. Complete chaos.
BUT – it made me realize that I am not unusual in having a different last name from my kids. Not in the least. (I didn’t take my husband’s last name and the kids did). No assumptions about marital status in today’s world.
Anon
I say this as a religious nutjob socon: that’s whacked. The few times I’ve seen the mother’s name passed down (married couple), I have assumed that it’s for a completely rational reason. One woman in my extended family, who is an only child, gave her son her last name; this is her parents’ only grandchild. Her husband has three kids from a previous marriage, so his name is passed along.
Aunt Jamesina
I mean, “because we want to” is a “rational” reason. We never wonder why a child has their father’s last name.
Anon
anon at 11:49 stated/implied that the only reason to name your kid after the mom is that the kid doesn’t have a solid connection with the father. “Rational” is meant in distinction to that, as in, the family has their own thoughtful reasons for doing things this way, and in distinction to her thoughtless judginess. The point of my example is to highlight one reason why a family does something differently, in the hopes that she will reconsider her Miss Judgypants routine.
Aunt Jamesina
I guess I’m just saying that if a kid has their father’s last name,it doesn’t even occur to us that there’s a “reason” behind it. It just is. Nobody asks Herero parents why they chose to use the father’s last name, but they’ll ask (or at least wonder why) a couple goes with the mother’s.
Anon
Wow, this is so reactionary I think I just got whiplash. What even is this comment?
LaurenB
Only in ignorant parts of the country would this be an “issue.” In normal parts of the country, women keep their last names personally and/or professionally and their children may have different last names and no one blinks an eye. I happen to have changed my last name, but that was my personal preference and of course it’s not weird for women to keep their names.
Trixie
this is nonsense. Many families have a number of last names. You are misinformed. I would never think that if a child did not have the dad’s name.
Senior Attorney
Right? Take the win!
blueberries
+1 take the win. Also, I see a security benefit to having a different last name if worried about targeting. Criminals are often dumb and making things just a little harder can help. Obviously, it won’t stop all potential threats, but it could be helpful.
Anon
My best friend did this and I love it! I agree the DH’s reason is sort of silly but I would also seize the chance for kids to have my name.
Anon
They’ll know anyway.
Anon
Ok, if I understand this, your husband is John Williams, feisty local prosecutor, who’s worried about his child, Joe Williams, being harassed when people realize he’s his son? In a small town, everyone’s always going to know Joe is John’s son, regardless of whether Joe’s last name is Williams, Smith, or Cornflakes.
Are you saying that you believe/expect as a couple that your husband’s reputation is such that your child wouldn’t get chosen in Little League or what have you because of your husband? Rule Number One in small town living is to be nice. You can’t be friends with everyone, but if your husband is so antagonistic that people are going to be mean to his child out of spite, he needs to do some introspection about how he conducts himself. Your husband can be a prosecutor without being so despised that people will harass your child.
Last thought, as a child that had a different last name than my mother (I had my dad’s last name and he was out of the picture), consider how your child might feel. I wished I was like “all the other kids” and had the same name and symbol of belonging. Families are more blended now than they were in the 80s and 90s, but your child might like having a unified family name, whatever you decide that might be.
Ribena
I don’t know. I grew up in a medium sized town (12,000 people) and people would usually make the connection to my mum (she was really active in our local equivalent to Girl Scouts and a number of other organisations) only after I’d said my surname. I can definitely see OP’s logic here.
What about double-barrelling the kids in the opposite direction so that they HAVE both surnames but yours is the one they use most, OP?
OP
I wish including both names would work that way. But most people will default to calling me by DH’s name, once they find out what “should” be my married name. F the patriarchal inertia of our society!
anon
Yep. I live in a small town where everyone does know the kids of the DA and the prosecutors. Unless your husband is a royal arshole (and that’s a him problem that needs work), this is not something you should be worried about.
OP
That’s comforting, thanks.
Anon
“Unified family name.” So I’m wrong to have not taken my husband’s name?
Monday
Yes, many people seem to think this way, but I hate it. What is “unified,” and why does it virtually always require the woman, and only the woman, to change her name?
Anon
Right?? I would never argue about this with any actual person, but I call BS on women who change their name and give only this reason. If that were the only reason, men would be changing their names as well. Just admit you’re changing your name because of the patriarchy.
Anon
The other thing that bothers me about “unified family names” is you spend about a quarter of your life living with your parents. The other 3/4ths are as an independent adult, maybe married, maybe with kids of your own. When people get twisted up about all the kids having a “unified” last name (read: mother has to change HER name), they don’t stop to think of the long-term implications. A woman doesn’t have to switch her last name for her entire life just so she can look “unified” with the kids she’s raising for a relatively small portion of that life.
I got married in my late 30s and will be empty-nesting in my mid-50s. I’m not changing my name for the remaining 50 years of my life, erasing the first almost-40 years in the process, so that I can have a “unified” name with the kid who is going to fly the nest 19 years after I got married.
Anon
08/31/2021 AT 12:48 PM, that’s the only reason you’re getting. IRL I’m not going to blow your hair back with the incredibly personal info about why I wanted to get rid of my maiden name, which is that my dad beat the living hell out of me and I couldn’t wait to drop all association with his bloodline.
Aunt Jamesina
Anon at 2:04, totally understand that. But when the vast majority of women are choosing to change their last name in the name of “unity” or because they want to distance themselves from their fathers and very few men are… presumably the same proportion of men have abusive, absent, or estranged fathers as do women. This choice isn’t made in a vacuum.
Anon
Counterpoint: I have a different last name from my mother (who was and is married to my father) and it was never once an issue for me or for anyone else. I honestly get offended by the people who change their names just because they want a “unified family name” because it implies we are somehow less of a family than anyone else.
Monday
Or that someone (let’s face it, mom) didn’t love her spouse or kids enough to give them all the “unified” (let’s face it, probably husband’s) name. Not fair. There are so many ways to be unified as a family that don’t involve erasing anyone’s identity.
To be honest, I wonder if people with this narrow of a view of family really buy into same-sex couples or interracial families as equal to others. The meaning of family has evolved, period.
I go off about this online because I can’t IRL. I’m the only woman in my family on either side who has not changed her name, and I’m disappointed.
LaurenB
I didn’t think I was giving into the patriarchy by changing my last name, though. Simply put – he had a far nicer last name and earlier in the alphabet. If it had been Zsiljgdgsky, I wouldn’t have done it.
Aunt Jamesina
Sure, but reverse the genders in this scenario and I bet you’d have far fewer men who would opt to change their name for this reason!
Seventh Sister
My husband’s last name isn’t that hard, but it’s frequently mispronounced or spelled. I also have an extremely common GenX era first name (not Jennifer, but close), so I kind of wanted to preserve whatever “professional” brand I had by keeping the name I’d had for my whole working life.
When I was planning my wedding, my mother tearfully asked me how my (then-future) children would know I was their mother if we didn’t have the same last name! Not helpful, Mom. I feel like people should do what they want about their names.
Anon
This is the exact reason I kept my last name (husband’s name is – almost – Zsiljgdgsky, and people have a hard time pronouncing it). My first name is hard enough to pronounce, so I kept my short easy last name.
Cornellian
My ex had a hyphenated name and I had my (deadbeat) father’s last name. We both dropped our names and took my late mother’s and passed that to the kid. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, and I think keeping your kid from having a hyphenated name is a good idea. There haven’t been any practical issues yet, except that we both need to keep copies of our name change court order when we apply for passports, etc.
I’d do it!
Anon
I love the idea of kids having mom’s last name for a change so I would totally do it.
Jules
My 26-y-o has my last name and not their dad’s (to whom I was married when said kid was born and for another 20 years after that), for a lot of reasons. Ex had an abusive father and didn’t particularly want to pass on the name; he has brothers with sons so his family name does continue, while I have only sisters who gave their children their husbands’ names so my family name would die out, for lack of a better term; Ex’s last name is constantly misspelled while mine is easy. Also, smash the patriarchy!
We had zero problems, only some occasional confusion but once it was explained to the doctor’s office or the school staff or the neighbor, it was fine.
Ex is an academic and activist who sometimes is involved in loud controversies. At times, our kid and I – maybe even their dad, I’m not sure – were happy they didn’t share a name; other times, kid is publicly proud of their dad and wants to have his name in some way. Kid is considering changing their middle name to their dad’s last name.
OneDrive chaos
So every time that one of my team members uses OneDrive for a file with a lot of back and forth and sharing I become completely incompetent. Despite the fact that I use Teams very successfully, and am even known as the person to troubleshoot Teams issues. Somehow when people send me a file on OneDrive I can never find it again, can’t do half the things I can in a desktop version, can’t find comments, and I don’t even know what else – I just can’t seem to make it work. I realize that that’s remarkably vague, and the first step to solving my problems is probably to make a list of what’s not working, but, in case someone else has been in this situation and can tell me what might be going wrong in my brain, I’m going to go ahead and post this.
test run
Are you accessing OneDrive via your internet browser? OneDrive became a lot more useful for me once I added it as a drive in my file explorer so I could just use it like a regular network folder, open things fully in excel, etc. etc.
emeralds
It’s not just you. OneDrive/SharePoint is an absolute hellscape. Somehow I have become the OneDrive whisperer on my team, and I do actually have a tip for the “can never find it again” problem, at least with how my org has OneDrive set up.
The page I have bookmarked for the easiest access is the OneDrive page titled “My files,” which you should be able to get to through your org’s OneDrive login. This should show you a list of the files you own, as well as the files that have been shared with you directly.
If you work in shared OneDrive folders a lot, go into the folder, and then click the “Add shortcut to My Files” option in the top bar. The folder will then show up on the top of your My Files list. You can also add it to the Quick Access view in the left-hand navigation bar, but I can’t remember exactly how to do that off the top of my head.
I hope this is helpful! Thanks for not pausing a 15-person team meeting to ask this question and making your resident millennial tech consultant explain it all to you :)
emeralds
(Oh and we can’t use the file explorer suggestion above because of VPN stuff. If that’s not a concern for you, that could work too although I don’t have any first-hand experience with it.)
OP
You guys are awesome! Yes, I’m trying to do it all using my browser. And you exactly captured my issues. I’m setting these up now, and am so excited at the thought of things being easier going forward:-) Thank you!
Tips please...
Looking for the following recommendations to improve work life: (1) recommendations for lap desk and laptop/tablet stand for desk (2) tips on how you reduced screen time (mostly phone) (3) tips on the checking email only several times a day habit. Thank you!
Anon
Have a spot you put your phone while you’re home. Not always with you, not wherever you’re sitting. It stays at that spot, or one of two spots (one in living room, one in bedroom or where you work). You have to get up to check it, and you can only do that in between meetings or at about the same frequency you take a potty break or something.
Anon
Advice on living with a early teen girl going through a lot of changes (like a lot of changes) over the past year (combined with shut-down schools, not enough friend time, social life often limited to staring at a phone screen hoping for texts)? I can recall having a very emotional mopey time around when puberty really hit, but I don’t recall it being an extended amount of time (but I was going to school every day and otherwise having a normal life). This one, poor thing, needs a break, but has gotten to the point where whatever is bothering her at the moment falls apart into tears and yelling, beyond the point of reason. Anything that she doesn’t want to do — yelling. I understand, but baby girl, mommy’s about done with this. Tomorrow she is skyping with a lovely counselor we met last year (same concerns, but now they are OMG so much accute and I had hoped that without the stress of zoom school they would get better over the summer).
[In the back of my mind, I have a SIL who was brilliant who just collapsed early in college, dropped out, moved home, had maybe one relationship ever as an adult when she would have loved to have gotten married and had kid, probably has some strong unresolved mental health issues but in that family, her life story is acceptable and not tragic and I know that sometimes, things just run in families and worry about my daughter being so, so unhappy.]
PolyD
Is it possible for her to work at some kind of job (like mother’s helper) or volunteer place? I did filing for a friend of my mother’s (they had a house appraisal business and paid me a pittance to file documents) back in the day and it was kind of nice to get out of the house to do something concrete without my parents or siblings around. I also had a great time blowtorching old paint off our front rails by myself, although I was probably 16+ when I did that.
I realize this is more difficult for younger kids. I was kind of mopey myself and I think it would have helped to have some structured but low key activities. So not sports teams, but maybe cleaning up a park or something, so you’re with a group, but don’t have to interact nonstop.
Sorry if this isn’t useful – I don’t have kids and it’s been a long time since I was one!
Nudibranch
Agree about the job. My teenage jobs were the pleasure, stability, and most fun times in my very unfun teen years.
Anonymous
I have a 14-year-old, and she is happiest and most confident in herself when she is doing real work or really helping someone. A job or big, independent chores like planning and cooking a meal or washing the car or refinishing the patio furniture would be great for any kid, depressed or not.
Anonymous
Well step one is not toxically catastrophizing your pretty normal kid!
Anon
No. But I do get why you’d take a kid with a family history to see someone vs just shrugging it off as girl hormonal drama. We have a relative who has intrusive thoughts and anxiety that was largely unaddressed when she was younger and it has been seriously life-limiting for her.
Monday
This is probably how my parents would have described me from around 13-15. She is likely depressed and I’m glad she already has an appointment.
I came out ok, but one thing my parents could have done to help was to not invalidate me all the time. It sounds like you’re already doing better in this area, but in case you can improve. Also be careful about messaging to “snap out of it.” I know you desperately need her to, but she can’t. Being a child, she probably doesn’t even know where to start, and she doesn’t have control over the basics of her life. This is different from dealing with an adult who is depressed.
Other than that, be open to medication, notice things/people that perk her up, and be patient.
Curious
+1. I was depressed as a teenager. It showed up mostly as endless desperate crying, but later in life it showed up as irritation with anything and everything. I was extremely resistant to treatment because of the stigmas around mental illness, but CBT and meds helped so much when I finally admitted I needed them in my 20s. Good for you for getting her on Zoom with a counselor. Hopefully she will be more effective than my school counselor, whose approach totally turned me off. It sounds like you already know she likes this person? That’s a huge step up.
Anon
Ditto the other posters. And FWIW, my depression doesn’t exhibit as me being sad and mopey (though it can sometimes), it exhibits as frustration, impatience, anger, and yelling.
anomanomanom
ditto, and wish someone would have figured this out earlier. I was 38 before I started meds and it was life changing. It may just be puberty, but also depression seems to kick in with puberty for a lot of women. For sure therapy, and see if the therapist thinks normal puberty or early signs of depressive episodes kicking in.
Anon
i struggled SO SO much in my teen years. part of it was i had a falling out with one friend and then didn’t have a lot of friends, and my parents would keep pushing me to make plans with people…but i didn’t have anyone to make plans with. in retrospect i realize they meant well, but at the time, it just made me feel so much worse about myself. like that there was something wrong with me i didnt have plans every saturday night. i think it is great she is talking to a counselor. i’d encourage you to make it an ongoing thing
Betsy
Can I throw out a recommendation to do the therapy in person if at all possible? Skype therapy is a pale imitation of the real thing – now that we’re at the point where your kiddo and the therapist can both be vaccinated I would consider this an appointment that should happen in person if possible.
anon
I agree. My son has regular therapy, and telemedicine is a very poor substitute for in-person counseling. We had an existing relationship with the therapist before Covid started, and the virtual sessions still sucked.
Anon
Can I ask how you manage that? I probably lose 3 hours per appointment unless I can get a first-in-the-morning one per kid appointment (so dentist, orthodontist, COVID testing, etc.). So I’m losing at least a half-day of work a week if anyone has anything. I can’t imagine adding on a weekly therapy appointment (and in our city, therapists work 9-5, so I don’t know who takes the slots at 11 or 1pm, but I felt lucky if we could get have a few screening visits at 9 (which gets kid to school by 10:30 and then I have to get myself either to the office of WFH). Getting a 4-5 slot is worse b/c you are dealing with school busses from other schools and early rush hour traffic. Kudos to parents who deal but b/c kids missing school for appointments after missing school last year and stressed grownups with jobs, I am not surprised when kids’ mental health gets pushed to the side. It’s not right, but nothing is right these days.
Anonymous
You just do it. It sucks but mental health matters.
anon
I hear you; it’s a significant problem. DH and I have taken turns whenever possible. We also aren’t doing appointments weekly. If that were the case, we’d have to re-evaluate.
Anonymous
Parental employment and school attendance also matter. Sorry, but a working mom can’t just take half a day off every week. And by the way what do you think that will do to mom’s mental health? So tired of everything being the mom’s problem to fix. Zoom will have to be good enough.
Anon
Thorough medical check up may be a good idea too (I was diagnosed with PCOS as a teenager, and my symptoms were 90% psychological).
Anon
If she’s just started getting her period, it could also be she has PMS. Ask her if she can track them, because then you can kind of anticipate them and start taking Advil the day or so before it’s supposed to start. I had debilitating PMS that included almost two weeks of depression/irritability/MOODS, and the Advil helped tremendously with the mental as well as physical PMS.
Anonymous
Recommendations for an employment attorney in Boston? In a very toxic situation at work. My supervisor micromanages then just disappears. I didn’t hear from him for several weeks recently. He ignored all my communication, putting me behind on work that needed his input or approval that he insists on giving due to the previous micromanaging. Recently, he finally responded in writing saying he is too busy and I’m not a priority. We haven’t spoken for over a month (we are fully remote).
I think I should consult an attorney before HR. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like he is trying to get me to quit via attrition, but then I won’t get UI and I don’t have another job lined up quite yet.
Anonymous
I’m an employment attorney and Idk what I’d do here. You haven’t been fired. You aren’t claiming harassment. A bad boss is not legally actionable.
anon
I am not an L&E attorney, but unless you have left out some major details, none of this sounds illegal. Your manager sucks, to be sure, but this is standard toxic workplace BS which is unfortunately not actionable. You need to start job searching yesterday. HR is not going to fix this for you. Ask me how I know.
Anon
+1 this is not something for a L&E attorney.
pugsnbourbon
Agreed. It’s crappy management, but if it’s not a pattern based on your gender/race/sexual orientation/disability/other protected class, it’s not something for a lawyer.
Have you tried saying things like, “if I don’t hear from you by [DATE], I will proceed with [ITEM]? Is there anyone else on your team who might be able to give you pointers with this person?
Diana Barry
+1, this doesn’t sound actionable, just that as AAM says, your boss s*cks and isn’t going to change. Start looking now!
Anon
Counterpoint: I had a manager who pulled stuff like this on me. Turns out, he didn’t pull this on my male colleagues. Turns out, he pulled this on other women in the office. Turns out, he had ran another woman off the job like this. Turns out, he had a big ole problem with women that, long story short, came out during discovery.
That said, my suggestion is to aggressively job hunt.
Anonymous
You don’t need an employment lawyer. You need a new job.
However, on the off chance you still want a consult, Kathy Michon was awesome. I’ve used her on several matters ranging from exec contracting/comp to wrongful termination. Firm is Hartley Michon Robb Hannon. She was recommended to me by a good friend who is employer side but said “if i ever needed someone, i’d use her hands down.”
KS IT Chick
Yesterday I got a performance award from the academic medical center where I work. My managers had to shepherd this through serious bureaucracy to get it for me. There are only 10 awards given each year, from about 13K employees. The last time someone from the revenue cycle got this was at least 5 years ago. No one from my team has ever received this award. No one in the health system’s has received the award at under 5 years of service, but I did at less than 2 years.
All of that, I could say I on social media. What I couldn’t say was that it comes with a monetary award that is the equivalent of one of my paychecks. I can say that here, because money isn’t a forbidden topic. :)
I rarely am simply proud of myself. I am almost always proud of what I accomplish or what my team accomplishes. Today I am proud of me.
Anon
SWEET!! Congrats! What a big honor!
Anon
Great job! You rock!
Senior Attorney
WOO HOO!! That’s amazing!! Heartiest congratulations!
Anon
WOOHOO! Congrats!
anon
That is awesome! Congratulations!!
The Alt Life
Whooooohooooooo!
anonshmanon
We’re proud of you too!!!
Curious
So awesome! Congratulations :):)
Vicky Austin
You rock! Way to go! Revel in it!
NYNY
Congratulations! From another rev cycle person, let me say that you should be really proud of a unicorn accomplishment! We are usually invisible in the politics of academic medicine.
Jules
Fantastic!
Daffodil
Yaaay! Congratulations!
Samantha
I have seen you here as a regular posted, KS IT Chick, and I am so proud of you! Congratulations!
Anon
Fav consumable gift for $50 or less?
Anon
flowers!
Anon
I second this!
Curious
Local chocolate!
Anonymous
I love this!
I mean, I love the ice cream idea too but given the recent horror story of a friend who had ice cream delivered 3 days after it was supposed to arrive, maybe not unless it’s local.
Preserves
Fancy preserves or other pantry staples from Blackberry Farm.
Peaches from The Peach Truck.
Gift packs of Jeni’s.
Anon
Wine
Anon
Georgetown cupcakes. They ship nationwide.
pugsnbourbon
Cheryl’s cookies, flowers, champagne, Penzey’s spices.
AugNon
Fairy Tale Brownies. Very yummy, and website and shipping are also easy, so great for the “oh crud I forgot a significant occasion” situation
Anon
Fancy tea or coffee, if you know the person’s preference!
Anonymous
Jeni’s ice cream.
Anonymous
If they are healthy people (who wouldn’t be excited about sweets) or chefs I’d go nice spices or Rancho Gordo beans.
Samantha
Starbucks gift card so I can indulge my outside coffee habit, while I’m stuck WFH.
Anonymous
Help me work thru my Delta anxiety . . . need to call building maintenance to come in as my fridge isn’t keeping as cool as normal, and a few days ago there was a small puddle in front of it; so I assume there may be a clog somewhere in one of the lines or a part needs to be changed before it entirely stops working. I’m freaking out. 1 bedroom apartment with windows that open like 2 inches because it’s a high floor, so this isn’t a house where I can stay away from the guy who comes in. I’ll wear a mask and stay as far as possible but far is like 12-15 ft. I assume the guy will mask, as my building is now recommending indoor masking and usually they wear surgical masks gapped everywhere/nose out or kn95; I’ll wear a kn95.
But I’m just weirded out by the whole idea – to the point where it’s like can I just live off my cabinet foods but I mean I can’t forever. And I’m even more weirded out by the person moving my food, putting his hands in my fridge – I mean IDK if the guy was fixing someone’s bathroom before he gets to my apartment (this isn’t a fridge repairman, it’s general maintenance)?? I know I have anxiety and I’m working on it but obviously it doesn’t get worked out this week.
What do I do here? Mask up and move away and let him fix it and just lysol things down after he leaves and stop thinking about it? Do I empty my fridge in advance? Freezer is still working normally so IDK that I want to remove those goods at 9 am only to have someone show up at 1 pm (they don’t give you precise times or even blocks really, just a day).
Curious
Just mask up! No need to take things out of the fridge for now. Two masked people indoors for a limited interaction is really pretty safe.
Curious
Oh — just to be clear, in my limited experience, most fridge parts they maintain are accessible from the outside. That’s why I’m saying not to move the food. The exception would be your filter, so if you want to be super careful, move the food around that.
notafrog
Agree with curious. You could open the windows regardless of how far they open for a bit more peace of mind. You’re allowed to ask him to mask/glove/purell too.
If you’re really worried about your food, then that’s okay. Would it help to move the limes, for instance, but not the milk, since you can wipe down the milk jug but not so much the fruit?
Cat
This sounds excessively anxious. If you are vaxxed and wearing a KN95 the likelihood you will catch anything as a result of this appointment is extremely slim.
FYI the repair person probably won’t be touching your food. The problem is probably not inside your fridge (unless you have an ice maker) as opposed to the back equipment, so repair person will probably pull the fridge out into your kitchen and be rummaging around in the corner for awhile.
Curious
^^ this is what I was trying to say! Cat said it much more nicely :)
anon
Mask up, ask repairman to mask, if you have an air purifier, turn it on. When he leaves, turn air purifier on high for however long it takes to cycle through the air in that room (a good one that is appropriately sized should be 15 minutes or less), take of kn95 after air is cleaned.
Anonymous
It sounds like you know you are being overly anxious so I will skip right past that. Why not just let him in and go out in the hallway if you are worried about close contact?
I would insist he wear a mask if he is not wearing one, if it makes you feel better than use some lysol after he leaves. He’s probably more concerned about picking up your germs anyway ;)
Anonymous
I 100% get where you’re coming from but when I get anxious about this (and I do), I ALWAYS tell myself DENTISTS are wearing KN95s/N95s with another mask on top and working on people who are unmasked. You will be wearing a kn95 and can throw on a cloth mask on top if you want and hang out 15 ft away near your windows. Huge difference there. This also isn’t like sitting in a classroom for 8 hrs. The guy will come in, likely pull out a few vents/hoses and can either repair it or not within 1 hr but more likely he’s gone in 30 min. Mentally prepare yourself that sometimes they can’t repair it bc they need a part – so then they order the part and come back another day or maybe they bring in a fridge repair person the other day (yes you ask them to mask to) or most often in an apartment building they give you a date/time to replace your fridge for one they have in another unit. They’ll clean that one as if you were moving in as a new tenant. So yeah they may be in and out of your place a number of times but this isn’t the same amount of contact as being in a school or office with people for 8 hours.
LaurenB
Honey, the risk is to the refrigerator guy who has to enter strange homes, not to you. I’ve had maintenance work done on my refrigerator and other appliances. Stay back from the guy (he doesn’t want to get near you anyway), wear masks, spray some Lysol afterwards if you want, and move on. This is a really high level of anxiety you’re holding towards this.
Anonymous
What you do here is get the maintenance done and call your therapist because however you are treating your anxiety is not working well enough.
Anon
Of people who have gone solo law practice, what was the timeframe for you to (1) break even; (2) make a decent salary? Were there any factors that you think affected that timeframe substantially one way or the other (i.e., large client carryover, location of office, etc). I’m in small town Midwest, have ten years experience and would be setting up as estate/trust/probate attorney. Is there any other advice or suggestions people have? I’m in the very very early “let’s consider what solo practice would entail versus looking for another firm” stages.
Anone
I’ve been doing this for 15 years in the same practice area. Feel free to email me at anonecorporette2021 @ the email of G.
Anone
And let me know when you’ve sent the email because I rarely check that account :)
OP Anon
Don’t know if you’re still checking, but I did send you something, thanks!
Anon
I started my own firm in 2010 and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Time to break even/profit I think depends on type of practice. Mine is all contingency which is a different deal from having hourly paying clients. It was helpful to have an accountant lined up in advance; mine helped with setting up payroll and other stuff that needed to be in place on day 1. There were reasons I wanted to leave the firm I was with, and I decided it was time when I had enough clients to keep me busy who I thought would come with me (they all did) and when I felt comfortable that new clients and cases would probably keep coming in (they have). It’s great to be able to decide for myself which clients and cases to take, and while I had a few lean years at the beginning, I’ve made a lot more money overall than I ever would have working for someone else. Resources to take a look at include Solo Practice University and My Shingle. Good luck!
Anon
Link to My Shingle: https://myshingle.com/resources/startalawfirm/
notafrog
apparently, there is nothing to be done about the diesel fumes from my building’s loading dock coming into the building’s air intake/handling system and making people sick… this is a lab building? at a hospital?
also, the response to a leaky ceiling with moldy tiles was to put a pan under it because it’ll eventually evaporate…
why yes, I am cranky about the headache, nausea, and my dress smelling like I’ve been working on an engine all day.
Anon
Im so sorry. Please get OSHA involved.
notafrog
I’m going to give my direct (who also got sick from it) a chance to escalate, but if the facilities group doesn’t respond appropriately by the end of the week, OSHA it is.
You want me to come back into the office? Then make it safe from this stuff! COV1D is enough to worry about!
anon
Does your hospital have someone senior who is responsible for workplace health and safety who could help?
If I was reporting to OSHA in my state, I’d also report to the state OSHA at the same time–it increases the chances that someone will help quickly.
notafrog
Probably. I know what the “regular” maintenance chain is, but this seems bigger than them, so we may have to poke around a little.
Anon
I just finally said no to a family gathering over Labor Day because I’m high risk (immunocompromised) and I have a sibling who refuses to get vaccinated or wear a mask. I’d been wavering even though I knew not going was the right thing to do, I just really wanted to see everyone.
But they’re not uninviting the unvaccinated sibling, everyone’s going to be staying together in close quarters, and I just couldn’t do it so I backed out.
And now I’m the bad guy of course.
Please give me all your best food and drink recipes for Labor Day weekend spent at home!
Anon
I’m sorry, that’s awful. You absolutely did the right thing for yourself and others and I’m sorry your family is being so terrible.
Blueberries
You’re absolutely doing the right thing by not going.
I’d go to the local farmers’ market and get tomatoes, figs, and stone fruit. Also, a bottle of bubbly is lovely.