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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 106 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Skinny polka-dot silk belt

Coffee Break

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Miu Miu Skinny polka-dot silk beltThis belt is the current object of my obsession. Love, love love the white polka-dots edged in green, the navy belt, the pink buckle — fabulous. Yes, it's probably the kind of thing you'll see knocked off at Forever21 for about $9 (which is a shame, I think), but for the moment, this high-end, glorious belt from Miu Miu deserves its own shoutout. Love. I'd wear it with a navy pants suit and a white blouse, or perhaps over a white or navy sheath dress, or perhaps even just with gray trousers and a white cardigan, belted on top. Gorgeous. It's $230 at Net-a-porter.com. Miu Miu Skinny polka-dot silk belt (L-2)

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Me

    Seriously? To each their own. I think it looks like something from GapKids circa 1995.

    • Anon

      I’m pretty sure I had this belt from Old Navy in the late ’90s. It may actually still be in my closet. Hmm…

  3. midwesterner

    I would’ve guessed that was a Forever 21 belt already. $230, for real?!

    • AIMS

      Same. Love the look, cannot possibly justify the price. But, here’s hoping someone knocks it off and puts it in my line of sight!

  5. Laura #2

    I can’t quite get behind $230 for a belt, although I do think polka dots are fun. Reminds me of Lilly Pulitzer, which is a little more Southern prep than I personally can pull off. I can see this being a fun accessory with the right outfit, just not my right outfit.

  6. MsZ

    I don’t get the price, but I love the look and styling suggestions . . . but that may be because it looks like preppy spring which I am CRAVING right now. I’d wear it over a crisp white tunic buttondown with navy cigarette pants.

    • houda

      Kat, can we have a post about preppy style for the office ?
      I would love to try this in my business casual office but do none around me seems to sport this look.

  7. L

    I just can’t get excited about belts. I think I have 2 or 3 and I never, ever wear them (I never, ever wear my button downs, either, which would require me to wear a belt and tuck in). I am content to let the whole belted cardigan trend pass me by. Meh.

  8. lawyerette

    Yeah definitely not my thing, even for $6 at Forever21. It’s great that we have such different tastes though :)

  10. Anon in Ny

    Cute, but strikes me as very vineyard vines esque.
    I also avoid belts like the plague, so its just not something I’d personally pick up.

  11. Housecounsel

    Oh, Kat, we must agree to disagree on this one, at any price.

    I wish there were a “like” button on comments. Some of you are very funny.

  12. bizzy

    Oh! This is the perfect springboard for my belt question! I have a flat (well, as flat as one can hope for after 3 kids) stomach, I don’t carry weight around my midsection, and I’m a dress size 10/12, but even size Large belts are too small for me. (Why, then, I don’t have problems with trousers and skirts, I just cannot explain. But I don’t. Only belts.) I think part of the problem is that I’m shortwaisted and don’t wear belts at my “true” waist – they look better down a little ways. Can anyone recommend a good source for attractive, good quality, perhaps even fashionable belts in plus sizes?

    As for this belt – not feeling it. Particularly not at that price point.

    • Lucy

      I get a lot of my belts at places like TJ Maxx, rather randomly. The one place I have consistently found good belts online is Talbots. They have some cute, though I usually scour the sales section because I hate paying full price.

    • Nonnymous

      I’m an 8/10 and when I wore a belt around my hips I’ve been known to get a few mens belts (just plain brown or black for when low rise jeans were in and I could rock that look).

    • Anonymous

      Size 14 here and I always find a decent selection at Target. But if your problem is just that the largest hole is still too small, not that the belt itself doesn’t reach around, you can buy a leather hole-puncher device to make more holes yourself.

      • AnonToo

        Ditto on buying men’s belts. I tend to wear pants that sit pretty low around my hips so even though I am not a big person (I’m a size 4 – 6) I need to wear large belts. I also have been known to swipe my husband’s belts in a pinch. Check the men’s sections at Nordstrom, Macy’s, etc.

      • kz

        Agree with the leather punch. You can usually get them cheaply at tack stores.

      • UnSub

        My cobbler (shoe repair guy) will punch holes for free. Takes about 30 seconds and looks great. Ask yours.

  13. Arachna

    Gorgeous. Add that I bet at this price point it looks professional and preppy despite the whimsical styling but as a knock off at F21 I wouldn’t wear it to work.

  14. Merry R.

    I am in the market for a belt or two but this is not it – at any price. I am to boring and conservative for this I guess.

    For those of you who don’t belt, do you wear your tops out and cover the belt loops, tuck and show the missing belt, or never wear anything with belt loops?

    I feel weird tucked into anything that has belt loops but with no belt.

    (I am tucked into a pencil skirt with no belt loops as I type this.)

    • lawyerette

      Pencil skirts with belt loops I usually belt, but if I forget I don’t think it’s a big deal. Pants with belt loops I hardly ever belt, and I pretty much always tuck. I know guys seem to always belt, but I don’t see the *need.*

    • AIMS

      I usually belt if I tuck, sometime even when I don’t.
      I also sometimes wear an Hermes silk scarf in lieu of a belt. Usually sans jacket. It’s both conservative and not. Which is kind of what I like about it.

    • sgb

      I wear a belt if I have belt loops. Sometimes I tuck and sometimes I don’t. I think that the fit of the pants is more essential to if a belt is needed or not.

      Today I am wearing wide leg (with belt loop) khaki pants from Talbots and a large cable knit lavendar sweater from Talbots as well (untucked). since the sweater is bulky, no one would tuck it. And I forgot my belt, and keep realizing that my pants are not sitting in the right place.

      I generally don’t wear a belt if the pants are cut without belt loops (because theoretically the pants should sit in the right place already), same with skirts. I will tuck and untuck more dependent on how the whole thing looks than on the belt-loops issue.

      Hope that helps or at least provides some perspective.

    • L

      Always wear shirts out. I wear about 98% knit shirts and sweaters, or tops that don’t need to be tucked in. I do feel odd if I tuck but don’t wear a belt.

    • Nonnymous

      I do the same and think that belt loops showing without a belt just looks sloppy. It’s easy to belt. If you own a black leather belt it takes 5 seconds to do.

    • Lyssa

      I don’t think that many of my pants (other than jeans) have belt loops, come to think of it. But I almost never wear belts, and if they do have loops, I really don’t pay attention to them. (that is, I let the loops show or not without really paying too much attention to them).

    • rebecca

      I think the only thing I ever wear belts for are to cinch a loose top. I honestly am not sure I’ve ever worn a belt through the actual belt loops since it was part of my junior high dress code! But my waist is, proportionately, bigger than my hips, so I don’t think I’ve ever had a pair of pants that fit better when belted.

    • EC

      My weight has gone down since I bought most of my pants (umm…four years ago?), so I almost always wear a belt regardless of whether I’m tucking or not. For the few pairs of pants that stay in place without a belt, I don’t wear the belt even if I’m tucking. For me it’s a fit issue, not an aesthetic one.

    • soulfusion

      I almost never tuck because I have such a short waist and it looks weird, so the belt thing isn’t much of an issue. However, if I know I will never take off my jacket or cardigan, I will on occasion tuck a shirt in but only wear a belt if it looks good and that has nothing to do with whether there are belt loops. I just don’t think belts are ever necessary to complete a woman’s look as it is for men. I figure we have enough other accessory issues to battle with.

  15. Mac

    Not sure if I love it or hate it. In addition, I love belts but would never pay more than $50 for one (usually a lot less than that).

  18. Anon

    This belt is cute, but Kat, there is no shame in Forever 21 knocking off this belt for $9! Paying anything over $9 would be the shame!

  19. Lyssa

    OT, but I’ve seen this issue come up a lot in the comments lately so I thought that I’d share. Slate is doing a series on different ways of sharing/combining (or not) finances for married couples here: http://www.slate.com/id/2281983/pagenum/2

    FWIW, I was a little bit unsure about combining when my hubby and I were getting married. He’s definitely a bit more spendy than I am (I can be an extraordinary cheapskate left to my own devices, and he’s the type of guy who would rather spend more for “high-quality”). But he was actually really hurt when I brought up the idea of separating in some way (and he’s not the type of guy who’s easily hurt or manipulative with his feelings when he doesn’t get his way, so this really surprised me). He said that it would make it seem like I didn’t trust him.

    Anyway, 10 years later, I cannot imagine having not combined incomes completely. We’re a team, partners, etc and what’s mine is his and his is mine. We’re just not individual players in that sense anymore, which I think is a good thing. Plus, we’ve both moderated each other a lot- I can handle spending more and getting better things (when I see that it’s worth it) and he’s learned to check prices and be a bit more careful when he sees that there’s not a big difference. Our futures and goals are shared (and I certainly wouldn’t have married someone I didn’t trust absolutely not to leave me hanging financially), and we have a lot of respect for each others’ wishes when it comes to spending.

    Of course, every couple is different, but that’s my experience. The series is interesting and has a lot of other perspectives to share as well.

    • Mac

      I’ve been reading the Slate series as well. Very interesting. I’m not married but I think my preference would be a Sometimes Sharer. Joint accounts for most things but small seperate “allowance” accounts for “fun” stuff.

  20. rebecca

    Quick threadjack for a question I should know the answer to: what exactly is the procedure is for applying to a job when you know someone who knows someone there? Do you forward your resume/cover letter to your connection and have them send it over, or let them “pull the strings” (to whatever extent possible!) separately? I’m assuming I don’t mention his name in the cover letter, since I didn’t find out about the position through him – just happened to notice a familiar name listed on the Board of Directors.

    Thanks!!

    • Anonymous

      Apply through the normal process, and simultaneously send an email to your connection (with your resume attached) telling him you’ve applied. A connection doesn’t mean the normal application process can be waived, but his recommendation will probably get you to the top of the pile.

    • AnonInfinity

      If he knows you’re applying, I think you should mention him in the cover letter. Something like, “In my interactions with Joe Smith, I have learned that Big Corp would be a great place to work for blah, blah, blah reason.”

      I would mention contact in cover letter then send resume, cover letter, and other materials to whomever is listed in the job posting (or whoever is the hiring partner). That is, unless your contact offered to personally deliver your resume/cover letter. Then I would send it to him.

    • coco

      I think it very much depends on your contact within the company and the sway he might have over the process. Did he offer to pass along your resume – if so, I would send it to him and maybe mention the name in your cover letter. If not, I like Anonymous’s suggestion of sending him and email with your resume saying you’ve applied and then applying normally.

    • RKS

      Slight tweak on the above — apply through the normal channels, then forward your application email to your contact. That way s/he has everything you submitted, not just your resume (I assume there’s a cover email, at the least). So if s/he forwards it on, s/he’s forwarding the whole application and not just pieces.

      • Lola

        And certainly check with him first before mentioning his name. He may prefer that you don’t mention him… not necessarily because he’ll give you a bad reference, but maybe because he doesn’t think people listen to him, there could be lots of reason.

        • BB

          This is so true. I have a friend who just can’t handle recommending people for jobs, no matter how close the friend is or how qualified he/she it. A while ago he described a good friend of his family as “a friend of my wife’s,” which really hurt her feelings when she found out. I don’t know if he’s been burned before or what, but I’d never ask him to recommend me for anything!

          A while later, I ran into my company’s CFO at an event (who he claimed to be good friends with from their time working together a few years ago) and dropped his name – and she barely knew who I was talking about. So maybe he’s just all talk.

          So sometimes you just don’t know. Don’t count on friend referrals or name-dropping.

    • 2L NYC

      This is a different context, because I used an attorney mentor to speak on my behalf to some firms — but they actually sent the first email “introducing me” with my resume to their contacts. Then their contacts were able to email me etc. if they were interested.

  21. Housecounsel

    I am the spender in our house, and my husband is the (ridiculously stingy) saver. If it weren’t for him, I’d have the most amazing designer wardrobe ever, but we’d be bankrupt. If it weren’t for me, he’d be going to court in twenty-year-old suits and eating off-brand cereal three meals a day.

    When we were first married, we kept our finances separate. We combined them completely a few years in, when we built a house. After more than ten years of marriage, I feel exactly the way Lyssa does (except the roles are reversed). Because of our complete financial transparency and our joint responsibilities and goals, I monitor my spending, but at the same time I force him to enjoy the fruits of his labors a bit.

    There are times when I wish I had a “me” account so I could spend crazily and he’d never know. In addition, I am sure many of you are thinking I’m financially immature in that I need this kind of “check” on my spending. But I’ve recognized my weakness, and chosen to be accountable to someone in all areas of my life, and I am. Combining everything works well for us.

    • Lyssa

      You two sound exactly like my husband and me, only with the sexes reversed! True story: When I was in college (had a full ride scholarship, but no parental help), the off-brand of canned plain o-shaped pasta was 55 cents a can. I figured that I should have *some* meat, but the ones with meatballs were $1.15 a can. So I would buy both and combine them, making four meals out of a buck-seventy worth of generic, canned, little kid’s pasta!

      (And now I consider myself a foodie!)

      BTW, I consider marriage to be a great “check” on all sorts of weaknesses. :)

  22. Natalie

    This belt makes me dream of spring and all the fun fashions that come with it. It would be a great pop with a solid-colored dress or a even a pencil skirt and blouse. Come on, ice, melt already!

  23. AnonDC

    Another threadjack. How much privacy vs. transparency do you feel you have with your spouse or SO? Do you know your spouse’s email password (obviously not for work)? Do you share your friends, in the sense of telling one another about them and introducing them, or do you keep them separate?

    I ask this because I am realizing how incredibly far apart my husband and I are on this issue. I’m very transparent, inclined to invite all of my friends over at once and have no problems talking about them. He keeps his life *very* segregated and is horrified by the idea of different friends meeting. This came to a head when I realized, through cell phone records, that he had met a woman online, befriended her and begun phone conversations with her (that resulted in charges on our bill, which is how I found out). We’re working through this but are realizing how incredibly far apart we are in what we share with the other, and what we feel comfortable sharing.

    Thoughts?

    • eaopm3

      Well… I hate to say this but I know pretty much everything about my SO and his business, but he knows next to nothing about mine. I like it that way and I think that he does, too. I hold him accountable for things I disagree with and he doesn’t want to deal with all the clutter in my life if he were to have an all-access pass. If he asks me a question though, I have nothing to hide. I feel that being able to ask a question and a) get an answer and b) being able to trust that answer are more important factors than having “X” amount of transparency.

      • lawyerette

        “I feel that being able to ask a question and a) get an answer and b) being able to trust that answer are more important factors than having “X” amount of transparency.”

        This, absolutely. Who cares if your husband wants his friends to know each other or not? That’s transparency with his friends.

        What really matters is, is your husband keeping things/friends from YOU and in particular, *hiding* them? (If you didn’t want to hang out with some of his friends because you didn’t care for them that’s a separate thing).

    • Lyssa

      Hmm, that’s a tough situation, and (and I hate to say this or sound negative, but) it really concerns me.

      For my husband and I, we’ve always shared pretty much everything. I certainly don’t think that there’s anything that we keep from each other. He and I know all of our passwords, we share a laptop computer. I have an individual email account, but that’s mainly for my work/professional usage, and he knows how to access it easily. He doesn’t even really have his own email account (the “family” account is in his name, and he pretty much uses it, but it’s technically for both of us). We have separate cell phones, but neither thinks anything of grabbing the others’ to use for aps and whatever. As for friends, we don’t completely share them, since he doesn’t have a lot in common with mine and vice versa, but we certainly tell each other about them on a regular basis (not every detail, but in general).

      Now, a lot of that probably comes from getting married young, and before a lot of this tech stuff got as big as it is now. (i.e., families didn’t usually have separate laptops or email accounts when we got together- back in the dark days of dial-up). He came from his parents’ home; I came from a college dorm; we didn’t really have fully developed separate lives to merge. But I can’t really imagine being in a marriage with someone who I had a “separate” life from (other than work and stuff that we can’t share).

      As I said above, every couple is different, but I think that you guys have some work to do as to how you want to approach this sort of thing.

    • Jay

      I would be very concerned if my husband were keeping friends, particularly online female friends, secret from me. Why is he hiding her? What else is he hiding? I think a good marriage is based on trust and communication. I don’t know all of my husband’s friends and he doesn’t know mine, but we’ll certainly mention them to each other a la “want to have lunch today?” “can’t, I’m meeting X” “who’s X?” “person I met at the gym who’s interested in [insert hobby that is interesting to him and of no interest to me]” “cool, have fun.” I see nothing wrong with that.
      As far as passwords, yes, we know each others not from a “let’s exchange passwords” viewpoint but from a “ack, that information I need is in an email, can you get it for me, here’s the password” sort of way. There is nothing in my email I would hide from my husband, but I also trust him enough that I don’t think he’s checking my email either.
      It sounds to me like you and your husband have a lot of communication and trust to work on. I wish you the best.

      • balancingact

        We’re pretty open. I don’t necessarily tell my husband how much time I waste on here, but keeping a real relationship secret like that is a whole different thing. I wish you guys the best of luck!

    • AnonInfinity

      *hugs* to you. I am a little different from the posters above in that my DH does not know my passwords, we each have our “own” stuff (i.e. laptops), and our friends are separate to a large degree. We have some friends in common, esp couple friends that we’ve made since marriage, but we each have a circle of other friends.

      I am just a very private person. He has no problem with me knowing all that stuff about him, but I like feeling like I have a space that is just mine (only child syndrome?). Now, I am not hiding anything at all from him, and we generally keep each other updated on our separate friends. If I had to give him my email password to get something out of there, he wouldn’t find anything out of the ordinary, and I wouldn’t freak out (but I would change my pw later). It’s not that I want to hide anything at all. It works for us.

      I think the part that makes me a little uncomfortable (as has been pointed out) is that your husband made a new friend and then seemed to hide her a bit. I really hope that the two of you can work through this. If it means anything, DH and I had some major problems about a year ago, but we got counseling and it actually worked. Our marriage is now stronger than ever. Good luck!!

      • Ann

        This is my husband and I too. I would be horrified if he read my email and I am pretty sure he would be horrified if I read his, not because we’re doing anything bad, but because we’re both intensely private.

        I look at it this way. He’s my husband, but I don’t own him, and he doesn’t own me. He is entitled to the privacy of his own thoughts, just as I am. I don’t worry about whether or not he is doing things with other women behind my back. He’s home every night at 6 p.m. on the dot, never goes out with “the boys,” never takes unexpected business trips, etc. I knew from before we even started dating that he looks at porn sometimes; I think 99 percent of men do, from conversations I’ve had with friends about their partners/husbands. I look at it too, sometimes, and it’s not necessarily an experience I want to share with my husband. He doesn’t own my sexuality either, and I don’t own his. I don’t believe that his looking at porn constitutes adultery or lusting in his heart or whatever; our mutual porn habits have had little to no effect on our marriage at all, from what I can see. Other than maybe giving us ideas on varying things a little from time to time, which keeps it from getting boring (and after you’ve had sex with the same person a few hundred times, that’s important. :)

        I don’t have his email passwords and he doesn’t have mine, although we routinely check email in front of each other and leave our email windows open. We both leave our laptops (primary computers) in the living room, unlocked, so I imagine if he wanted to, he could check my computer and I could check his, but I don’t. I just don’t care that much, although I might if he started spending a lot of time away from home, or acting secretive, or something.

        I do think going to the point of contacting someone and emailing them is “over the line” behavior and I have had conversations with my husband about what is “OK” and what is “over the line.” In my case, the looking at porn was OK but using a webcam site to interact with a live person doing things for money would not be. Meeting real women on a dating site and then contacting them/interacting with them, even if he never met them in person, would not be OK. Would I get into his computer or email to figure out if he was going “over the line”? Probably not. Part of it is that I grew up with a mom who searched my room, called my friends’ parents to find out what we had done when I was at their house, followed me on occasion, etc. etc. She also used to stage these “family conversations” where we would get interrogated about our feelings until we finally broke down and told her something so she’d shut up. I had no privacy, not even in my own head. It’s a bad, bad situation when that dynamic exists in a family.

        But the other part of it is that I trust my husband; I have to. It’s entirely possible that my trust is misplaced, but if he is doing something to abuse my trust, that is his problem and something he needs to stop on his own, not something I need to “catch” him doing and stop. I also think, and I realize this belief is unorthodox, that it is not reasonable to expect men and women, over the course of a long marriage, not to periodically be attracted to other people. Dan Savage just did a column about this that I totally agreed with. I have developed temporary crushes on other people since I married my husband and I think he has also; we don’t talk about it a lot although when it’s been obvious one of us is admiring someone, it does become a running joke for a little while. Now, acting on that attraction – going so far as to contact the person or see them or sleep with them – would be different, but I don’t believe my husband’s ever done anything like that. I’m not absolutely sure, as I’m not with him 24 hours a day, but I’m reasonably sure, and that’s good enough for me.

        So, before anyone starts trying to get into their husband’s email accounts or browser history or whatever, consider this. You snooping won’t necessarily stop the behavior, it may just drive it further underground. You also might create a situation where the behavior escalates because they feel either a. now that they’ve been caught, they have little else to lose or b. since you don’t trust them anyway, they might as well do what they want to do. Despite (or maybe even because of) my mom’s snooping and prying into my life, I still had sex with inappropriate boys, used drugs, and drank to excess as a teenager. She made it clear she didn’t trust me as far as she could throw me, so I didn’t feel that by doing the things she accused me of, I was betraying her trust.

        It’s kind of like that scene in the beginning of Jerry McGuire, where Tom Cruise’s character tells Kelly Preston’s character “I don’t think being intimate means sharing absolutely everything.” That’s how I feel too. I don’t need explicit details about what my husband did with his long-ago ex-girlfriends, what he masturbates to, or what his bowel movements look like. He’s entitled to privacy within his own head, and I’m entitled to privacy within mine.

        • MeMe

          I agree completely with your perspective. I do wonder, though, if your husband weren’t as reliable and consistent in his daily schedule, whether things might change a little bit. Over a decade + of dating/relationships/one marriage, I noticed that my comfort with privacy (I’m a very private person as well) changed a great deal depending on who I was with and how predictable they tended to be.

          • Ann

            I think that’s totally the case. We were watching “Goodfellas” the other day and it struck me that it would be extremely disconcerting for me to have a husband who came and went, sometimes not coming home for days at a time. I have never ever had to deal with that; my husband doesn’t even travel that much for work. If he was to all of a sudden change his habits substantially, my radar would definitely go into overdrive, but I’d like to think I would still maintain a “protect each other’s privacy” perspective.

    • anon2day

      Hubby and I don’t know all our friends etc. but if we’re actually close to someone we do make a point to introduce them. However I don’t have any close male friends my husband doesn’t know about (and has met) and vice-versa. Close = anyone we talk to about nonwork things. IMO once you’re married you can’t have “friends” of the opposite sex your spouse doesn’t know about.

      I think there might be two issues here: 1) your husband’s a private person and has very different groups of friends he enjoys keeping separate (to that: whatever, different strokes etc) and 2) (the real issue) your husband hid a woman from you.

      The hiding is the concern here. Anytime there’s hiding there’s impropriety or thoughts of impropriety at the very least.

      • Ann

        “IMO once you’re married you can’t have “friends” of the opposite sex your spouse doesn’t know about.”

        I’ve always had the belief that married people don’t need new opposite-sex friends. I totally understand wanting to continue opposite-sex friendships that existed before the marriage, but I am unsure why a married person would need to meet, develop a relationship with, and communicate with a new “friend” of the opposite sex. That seems weird to me, but I’m open to being told I’m wrong.

        • Anon for this.

          As a single gal, I am appalled by this comment. I have many male married friends I met after they were married. For example, in law school, work, etc. For people like you to think it’s weird that a gal and girl get along even though the guy is married is appalling to me.

          Also, I hate to break it to you but friendships often last longer than marriages. I think attitudes like yours are a clear example of why.

        • anon

          i think that this is basically arguing that one should not have friends that one could potentially be sexually attracted to. so do you also think that bisexual people in heterosexual marriages should not have new “friends” of either gender? or gay people in committed relationships should not have new “friends” of their gender?

          • Ann

            I don’t know. That’s what’s always seemed interesting to me about relationships. I totally agree that you cannot expect to get everything you want/need out of one person, and I also think it is possible for two people who technically could be attracted to each other to be friends and have the attraction issue never come up; I have some very old male friends myself where this is the case. Maybe it’s the way I’m defining friendship. My husband has female “work friends” that he goes to lunch with, interacts with at work, etc. He doesn’t see them outside of work or hang out with them on the weekends or whatever. His having female ‘work friends’ doesn’t bother me in the least. However, I think if he did get a new heterosexual female friend, and all of a sudden he was interacting with her outside of work or a mutually engaged-in activity (like a sport or something), and seeing her in a non-work or non-activity related context, I would have a problem with it. The main problem being the time he would be taking away from our family to do that. So maybe my main hang-up is more about family time than the existence of the friendship? I don’t know.

        • somewherecold

          Although I agree that your spouse should know about friends of the opposite sex that you spend time with or feel close to, I disagree that married people don’t need new opposite sex friends. Simply put, some women may have an easier time getting along with men than other women. Maybe it comes down to whether or not you think that there is always some ulterior motive for having cross-sex friendships (i.e. you could date the friend or he could introduce you to a friend that you could date, although the latter is an objection to same-sex friendships as well). I think that I get different things out of different friendships, and those things don’t necessarily correlate with the friend’s sex, so I cannot say that any new post-marriage friendship need that arises could be fulfilled by a new female friend.

        • MeMe

          As a woman who gets along with men very easily and less so with women (nothing sinister, I just grew up with a zillion brothers, male cousins, and male classmates, and few women), I almost always end up with new guy friends almost every where I go. But if it’s not just a friendly acquaintance situation, then my SO knows about them and I make a point of asking about their wives, and if possible, arranging for any “hanging out” to include SOs/spouses, or I don’t go (unless it’s lunch at work, etc.). Just a matter of basic respect for both relationships. Given how outgoing and social both my SO and I tend to be, any moratoriums on an enter gender of possible friends would destroy our relationship far faster than almost anything else I can think of. I really do think this is an area where different things work for different couples.

        • Lyssa

          I think that it depends on how you’re thinking of “friend” and the history involved. Clearly, preexisting relationships (friendships that existed before the marriage) should be OK to maintain in the same way. But, for new friendships, it strikes me as a little bit odd to take on an opposite sex, straight, friend who is not “situational.” What I mean by that is that the friend can be a friend through work, or some activity, and it would be fine to spend some time outside of that activity together (like going out to lunch during the day), and talk about other things (not super-personal things, though), but mainly that person would be a friend because you interact through this organization. I think big problems come up when you start discussing problems in your relationship with a person of the opposite sex, though.

          • MeMe

            I do agree that “situational” tends to be the norm and would wonder about one that came about any other way. But I also think it’s just as easy to develop a little too much emotional intimacy for a situational friend of the opposite gender, so regardless of how it came about, I feel like once there’s a pattern of consistent communication about non-business / non-situational topics, the significant others need to know about, meet, and hang out with the other person and THEIR significant other at least once. Anyone who is very reluctant to do so usually turned out to have unspoken motives for the friendship in my limited experience. It’s worked well for me, at least.

    • lynn

      I think the world of my husband, but I’m more comfortable having some privacy in our relationship. We keep our finances separate and went into the marriage with a prenup that satisfies both of us, so perhaps that makes things like not sharing passwords, etc. easier for us than others. We were already pretty established with our own friends, careers, houses, etc. when we met, so I think it was kind of natural to still keep some of that independence. (I’ve hung out with all of his close friends and vice versa but the groups don’t really mix–I’m also 15 years younger with friends that same age, so that probably has made it more separated as well.) Although I’m not sure we’ve met all of each other’s extended circle of friends, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard their names at least a time or two and the same for him. But I’m not sure I would immediately freak out if I hadn’t.

      We’re open enough about where we are, what we are doing, etc. all of the time that I don’t have the least worry that he is acting inappopriately. FWIW, we’ve been married (and happy) for almost five years.

      I think it is important to trust your spouse. I wouldn’t dream of going through his phone, bank account, or anything else like that and fully expect the same from him. I know it sounds weird, but I think such an intrusion is as big if not bigger of an offense than anything I could find. (I had a good friend suspect a husband of having an inappropriate relationship with a female colleage after going through his work email–and honestly, my first thought when she told me was “You went through his work email?!?”)

      In the worst instance, if I’ve put my trust in someone untrustworthy– so long as I come out basically OK in that I still have financial soundness, friends, good family, etc. then I know I’ll be fine. I’d prefer to take that gamble in life. If you’re always needing someone to check in or snooping around to “catch” them because you’re in fear of being cheated on or lied to then (just my opinion) but you probably shouldn’t be with that person anyway.

    • Lynnet

      I’m don’t want to express any opinion on the password sharing thing (my husband and I know each other’s through the “Ack! I’m missing something!” method) but I would like to encourage everyone to have some plan in place in case something happens to you so that your significant other can access anything he or she needs to in that eventuality. What that might be will obviously change from person to person, but it is definitely something to at least make minimal preparations for.

      • J

        Second this recommendation. How you do it depends very much on personal circumstances, but it needs to be done.

        My dad died very unexpectedly last year, and the number of things that my mom didn’t know and didn’t know how to find terrified the crap out of me. Enough so that I had a sit-down with my husband and went over where all of the “important” stuff is located (ie how to access my personal bank account, where to find the life insurance/beneficiary stuff).

        If you’re a very private person — and that works for your relationship — this doesn’t mean that you need to tell your SO your passwords, etc. For us, it just meant “I have this secret place where you can access all of my important passwords, this is where it is, here’s where you find the key”. Not a “privacy” issue in my case, more of a “I can’t imagine how you’d remember all of this if I just told you now” issue.

    • AnonDC

      Thanks, everyone. A couple comments/clarifications.

      I didn’t go through his phone records or email to find out. I saw several months of escalating bills then called Verizon to find out why the heck our bill is going up (one month, by $100). They told me it was because of calls to X number in Y town in Canada. I said we don’t know anyone there. After some silence, the Verizon rep said it was my husband’s phone and I should talk to him about it. So there was no going behind his back to learn, it was inadvertent and frankly, awful.

      AnonInfinity, my husband came from a family very similar to yours. Zero privacy, to the point that during his teenaged years, his parents (father) took the door off his bedroom. I’ve been learning all of this slowly in the last few years, through therapy. We’ve been married 12+ years; I didn’t know how bad his family situation was until very recently.

      • MeMe

        That must be a very painful thing to experience. Just wanted to say, sending positive thoughts your way. I hope you both can work this out and regain the ability to trust him after this. Best of luck.

      • Ann

        Are you still going to therapy? Could you bring this issue in front of the therapist? I mean, I think you totally should, but I know that might be painful for both of you.

        • AnonDC

          Yes. We have brought the issue to her, extensively. This happened 2 years into therapy. Here, I’m looking for outside perspective on how other people operate, particularly since we’re still working on how things will be going forward and what we can/cannot live with.

    • mamabear

      ugh, this whole topic makes me so sad. I was the poster a few weeks ago who mentioned that now that I’m in my mid 40s, I’m surprised at how many of my friends’ marriages ended in divorce. And so many times this is how it started

      – marriage is hard, discussions with your spouse have become fraught
      – you meet someone who you find easy to talk to, which is such a relief
      – you find yourself sharing with that person all your frustrations with your marriage
      – this new person is so understanding, he/she seems so much better than your spouse
      – you talk to him/her all the time
      – then it’s more than talking
      etc.

      Of course it’s delusional. Of course if you end up living every day with this new person, you’re going to have the same difficulties and frustrations. It’s a fantasy.

      BUT, knowing what I know now, if I knew my husband was developing an emotional bond with a new person, outside of our marriage, I’d be very concerned. I’m sorry.

      • Ann

        I read not too long ago, in regards to the affair then Gov. Mark Sanford had with that woman in South America, that marriages can usually survive extramarital sex (like in Eliot Spitzer’s case), but only rarely can they survive extramarital love, where one spouse has fallen in love with someone outside the marriage.

    • L

      We share…I know his email password and all my passwords are written down, so he can find them. :)

  24. Nash

    Threadjack: I just received a beautiful red Tahari suit from a generous friend who bought it for herself and then realized it wasn’t her style. It has a 3-button jacket and needs a blouse of some sort. What color do I wear? My instinct is to wear a black shell because that’s what I normally wear with everything, but that seems a little boring and/or predictable. Suggestions please!

    • D

      Black and red is classic, but also a bit harsh.

      Try cream, or even a pale blue or pale purpose if the red has blue tones. If it’s fire-truck red, stick with cream.

      • coco

        what about gray/silver-y? probably as boring as black or cream, but another possible option. i’m thinking very pale gray….but i might be off my rocker

        • Nash

          I love the gray/silver idea – hadn’t thought of it, but I think that would be stunning! Thanks Coco!

          • mamabear

            if you could find a blush-hued shell and tie it in with blush-hued shoes, I think it would be a very pretty combination.

    • - j -

      I would think winter-white/cream would look very ladylike. Pure white might be a liiitle stark, but it depends on how much of it shows :). I know, I know. Boring. But when the suit is the star of the show, keep everything else simple.

      Actually a somewhat shocking combo I never thought would work: red and hot pink. TOTALLY depends on the cut of the suit, the shade of red, and your work place, though!!

    • anon

      what about a black, cream, or grey-based top, but one with some kind of pattern?

    • govvie

      How about a subtle print, whether stripes or other? I like wearing some sort of print under solids to give the outfit some oomph- either that or chic jewelry.

  25. Housecounsel

    Discovery of a secret female friend would concern me very much.

    We have separate e-mail accounts and cell phones and all that stuff, but I have never picked up my husband’s cell phone to peruse it or read his e-mail. There was one night when I swiped his phone when he was sleeping, so I could delete a text I accidentally sent him – I was complaining about his cheapness to my best (female) friend and sent a rather mean-spirited text to him instead! That’s the extent of my secrecy (btw I succeeded in my mission).

    I don’t mean to imply that we have a perfect marriage and are all things to one another. I have a couple of close girlfriends who probably know more about what I am really thinking about any given topic at any given time. I’ve been known to space out the purchase of a jacket and skirt from an expensive suit just so the total number of any one charge doesn’t catch his eye.

    But keeping secrets is exhausting, and we really don’t have any of substance . . . that is, if instead of traveling for that big case in Texas he is actually flying to visit his other wife and kids . . .

  27. Ellen

    I think I wrote in somthing, but it is not even here? What hapened to it? I think this belt is way to expensive.

      • coco

        I almost didn’t recognize Elan because of the lack of CAPITALIZATION. But “somthing” tipped me off…

      • MeMe

        Are you sure Alan erased it? I thought maybe her boss erased it to get back at her for not responding to his advances.

  28. AtlantaAttorney

    LOVE this belt and Kat’s styling suggestion (but I am in the South, and generally love all things that are bright and preppy) (agree a post on Preppy would be fun!). I agree with others that the price point is waaaaay beyond its value to me. I would pay around $50 for something like this to add a little pop to my spring waredrobe, but not more than that.

  29. MeMe

    Growing up with a mother who sewed for a hobby, I can tell you how to make this belt at home for under $10.

    Cute, but not very versatile.

    • Accountress

      But if you made it, you could make it a different pattern on the other side, and that would be quite versatile :)

      My mom is great at sewing and designing. Growing up, we’d turn my old blue jeans into cute new skirts, she’d make the costumes for the drama club plays, and I have a stash of home-made classy little purses and clutches for fancy occasions that look right out of “Seventeen” magazine. She even designed my faux-fur hat and handmuff for my once-a-decade winter trip outside of Florida last Thanksgiving :)

      • MeMe

        I completely relate to this type of childhood!!! I learned not to point out an outfit anywhere unless I wanted her to make it for me at home. Very crafty! Isn’t it great?

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