Thursday’s Workwear Report: Collared V-Neck Sweater in Supersoft Yarn

361 Comments

1. How do you deal with a jealous boss?

   The international industry organization for my field has picked me for a very prestigious role. It’s sort of a secondment/fellowship/fully funded project thing, it will completely change our industry. My boss really thinks they should have been picked. For context the industry organization picked me entirely on their own, I had no idea they were even considering me, if I turn down the role they will not pick my boss. This also comes on the heels of me being offered some conference speaking roles that my boss also thought they deserved. There is significant international travel associated with these things and press/noteriety, which is what I think my boss is after. I don’t ‘politic’ I’m just generally nice and very technically competent, I’m not trying to get the recognition I’m getting, just doing my work.

   1. If your boss is indeed jealous, you will need to find significant, higher level support for your involvement in this initiative. It sounds like a significant time commitment, and if that takes away from your “actual” job your boss may try to make an issue of that and undermine you, perhaps up to the point of getting you fired. Having high level support will be crucial to countering that. If this is something where the new initiative will basically become your job – get the higher level support but don’t worry about your “boss”. When this is over you will have moved up and on and they won’t be your boss anymore.

      1. This, and perhaps can you angle to get her a speaking engagement or something else? So she sees you as a valuable connection and not a threat?

         1. I can not angle to get my boss a speaking engagement because my boss doesn’t publish valuable work and generally is not well liked.

      2. Sorry I should have clarified it’s impossible for boss to fire me, due to my country’s labour laws and protections of people with my professional certification. I have support of the c-suite to take on this project, it would not change my job or take away from other work as I already work on this issue currently, I’m just not incharge, and now I will be incharge.

         1. Sounds like you’re all set then! Congratulations on the recognition and good luck with the initiative! Just watch out for the boss talking behind your back to diminish you. She may not be able to fire you but she can concern troll you : “I’m so proud of Quiet Mouse for her new role on XX, but I hope she’s able to handle the pressure…”.

      3. Agree with all of this.

         It also sounds like your org thinks you have a lot more potential than your boss does. Expect support.

   2. Firstly, how do you know your boss is jealous? Did they tell you this directly, or is it rumor mill? The rumor mill may be correct, but without a conversation, you don’t actually know how your boss feels.

      Secondly, this is a time for you to show leadership and compassion. Everyone “gets lapped” in their career at times, and it hurts. Many people have posted here about how it feels! You need to get support from your boss and your organization for the role, and it’s best to get some organizational support through your boss. You need to recognize that this person is still your boss, and you need to retain a successful relationship with them. In your place, I’d allow a little time to let emotions cool, then discuss with your boss how you’ll navigate things based on your new responsibilities, follow up with an email confirming what you agreed.

      I’m sure you’ll get a lot of advice about going around your boss to upper management, and I’d be careful of that. People watch how you treat those below, above, and equal to you and your life will be much easier if you manage this professionally and with some grace.

      1. My boss told me to my face they think they should be incharge of the project since it’s ‘public facing’ which is not their call to make it’s the industry organizations. Colleagues have told me boss makes snide comments behind my back about my age. I’ve been lapped by many colleagues and I’m happy for them. My boss is 20 years my senior and has been stuck at their job level for 10 years, with no chance for advancement due to their reputation.

         1. It sounds like you’re totally fine since your job isn’t at risk. I would work on being gracious.

2. In LA yesterday – on the subject of people being afraid to display Israeli flags:

   https://ktla.com/news/local-news/studio-city-family-targeted-in-home-invasion-suspect-shouts-free-palestine/amp/

   https://jewishjournal.com/news/364401/home-invasion-suspect-shouts-free-palestine-threatens-to-kill-studio-city-jewish-family/

   1. Please stop this. A lot of people simply do not agree with the government of Israel and it is not because they support Hamas. Israel is killing a child every 13 minutes in Gaza. I do not support this and no, I didn’t support the US invasion of Iraq or Afghanistan either. And lastly, do not compare this conflict with the Russian invasion of Ukraine because it only shows your ignorance.

      1. OMG you must live in such a bubble.

         1. Also, there’s a person on here that keeps implying that the Palestinians “deserve” this because they elected Hamas when in reality that “election” was 2 decades ago, with a large part of the population unable to vote due to being underage. Are you that person?

            1. This is so much one person recoiling from violence and the response is to shut up because of other violence. It is a bad look.

            2. Literally no one has said that. IDF has avoided civilian causalities to the extent possible when Hamas places missile launchers directly next to civilian infrastructure like schools and hospitals to use Palestinians as human shields.

            3. There may be several people who believe that given that just some days ago there were several commentators clamoring to read Israeli propaganda (not even an exaggeration, that’s what was literally said). NM that such propaganda includes unfounded accusations of beheading babies, the complete denial of any of the historical context, not even an acknowledgement that even the UN has repeatedly found Israeli to unlawfully taking land, ignoring exactly what basic life is like for the Palestinians (one very basic story linked to below), the complete erasure of Palestinian from reporting (also linked below), and never mind that governments are linking any sympathy for Palestine to terrorism to silence speech.

               https://www.curbed.com/2023/10/palestine-israel-school-bus-crash-deadly-road-checkpoints-book.html?utm_campaign=curbed&utm_medium=s1&utm_source=insta

               https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Media_coverage_of_the_Arab%E2%80%93Israeli_conflict

               https://www.cnn.com/2023/10/12/europe/france-ban-pro-palestinian-intl/index.html

            4. No one has said Palestinians “deserve” this. The point about the polls showing Hamas support has been brought up in response to people saying most Palestinians don’t support Hamas, which is factually false.

            5. It was not propaganda – it was fact. It was video Hamas took. Have you not read the reports detailing what the 45 minute unedited video shown to journalists earlier this week? Israel released a one minute edited version and showed the unedited 45 minute version to an auditorium of journalists.

               Reporters (these are hardened war reporters) were throwing up and heaving in the hallway outside afterwards.

               The idea that you keep referring to it as ‘propaganda’ shows how afraid of the truth you are. Hamas did not circulate leaflets warning civilians to evacuate – they purposely and gleefully (eg the guy who calls home to tell his parents, tortured and murdered civilians including Thai farmer workers.

         2. No, it’s just that not all of us care about the conflict to the point of it excluding thoughts of literally anything else, or are living in fear based on some extremely tenuous and specious logic about “well, because people far from me said X about Y, I am in immediate personal danger and need to fear for my safety on a minute-by minute basis.” I’m sorry, but the latter is mental illness talking, and people who are thinking that way need help that people on this board cannot provide.

            1. No one has said that or anything like that and I’ve read every day lately. The projection in your posts is a bit extreme.

            2. Yeah, no one has said that.
               Also I will point out that antisemitic attacks are up hugely since Oct 7 (I don’t know the exact number, you can Google for it). Our synagogue in the US has had local police protection for weeks, and the same is true for many other synagogues and Jewish day schools in western countries. It’s reasonable for Jews to feel concerned for their safety right now, because statistically we are in much more danger than we were a few weeks ago. And I would imagine the same is also true of Muslims, I’m not trying to minimize their pain and fear. But the point is if you’re not in these groups, you shouldn’t be commenting on how they should feel.

      2. How do you suggest Israel get back the hostages then?

         Israel is not intentionally and purposely killing children. It is a consequence of strikes aimed at Hamas infrastructure. Hamas tortures and intentionally kills children.

         1. 50 of the hostages have been killed by Israel’s airstrikes, plus hundreds of women and children. What is the point?

            If you pull the trigger, you take responsibility.

            1. Funny how that’s not being applied to the folks who pulled the trigger on Oct 7.

            2. Exactly. Hamas pulled the trigger on Oct 7 and the blood of every person who has died since then will stain their souls forever.

               And there are 224 people still waiting to come home.

               Hamas is still shelling the area where the Oct 7 attacks occurred so Israel still has not recovered all the bodies.

            3. This is an unverified claim by Hamas, for anyone who’s actually interested in fact-checking.

      3. A lot of people don’t support either government I think including a lot of the governed. But I’m really shocked by the overtly antisemitic things I’ve heard people say recently in a US context and do feel that this conflict has created an opportunity for people to lash out and say what they were clearly really thinking all along.

      4. Hamas purposely murdered civilians as painfully and brutally as possible, and videoed themselves doing things like: ‘The terrorists surround a Thai man they have shot in the gut, then bicker about what to do next. (About 30,000 Thais live in Israel, many of them farmworkers.) “Give me a knife!” one Hamas terrorist shouts. Instead he finds a garden hoe, and he swings at the man’s throat, taking thwack after thwack.’

         Graeme Wood – The Atlantic https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/10/why-israeli-officials-screened-footage-hamas-attack/675735/

      5. Sure, Jan. That’s it.

      6. I hope you’re just clueless, but unfortunately, there’s good reason to believe there’s something more sinister going on.

         First, like many other disturbing posts on this board, you repeat a verifiably false blood libel against Israel that is based on Hamas’ propaganda. Israel is not “killing a child” every 13 minutes, and that kind of false, antisemitic, and disgusting accusation is what’s led to past persecution of Jews, including literal genocide. Second, even though it’s established beyond any debate that Israel goes to extreme lengths (including death to its own troops and civilians) to protect Palestinian children and civilians, there will be a degree of collateral damage in any war. Based most recently on October 7 and Hamas’ use of its own civilians as human shields since that attack (but also on literally decades of genocidal behavior), 100% of Palestinian collateral damage is 100% attributable to Hamas.

         Should the Allies have left the N*zis in power to avoid any and all deaths to civilians?

         1. Israel’s treatment of Gaza in the last weeks is not an acceptable level of violence against civilian populations. It’s just not. Hamas is bad. Hamas is evil. It still doesn’t justify what’s happening in Gaza.

            1. Was the Allies “level of violence” against the N*zis acceptable? Should they have been more precise and more limited, even if it meant prolonging the Holocaust and/or leaving the N*zis in power? Serious question.

      7. “These latest figures, reported by Save the Children, come from the Hamas-run Palestinian Health Ministry in Gaza and media reports, and it has been impossible to independently verify them.”

         Shocking statistics are often untrue.

         1. There has not been a historical discrepancy between numbers reported by the Palestinian Health Ministry and independently verified deaths, according to Human Rights Watch.

         2. Based on the number of Israeli air strikes over this extremely dense area, it’s is not an unreasonable number. Actual death toll could be higher.

         3. Gaza also does not have any semblance of freedom of the press (this has been reported elsewhere for years – unrelated to this month’s events). Any “official” statistics come from Hamas and Hamas has threatened and harmed local journalists on many occasions over the years. This has been reported by Amnesty and other humans rights groups, although not with the same intensity that they denounce anything Israel does.

      8. Anon at 9:20, your comment is off-topic at best. This incident had nothing to do with opinions on the Israeli government. Are you trying to say that someone who threatens to kill a Jewish family in the US – a family who in fact left Israel to live in the US (and therefore likely aren’t fans of the Israeli government or, at the very least, have shown no opinion on the Israeli government) – is simply demonstrating that they disagree with the Israeli government? Are you saying killing this family would be ok? This is anti-semitism, clear and simple. And for the record, I think all the killing in Gaza and Israel should stop.

         1. This thread is a follow-on to yesterdays conversation about publicly displaying support (or lack thereof). No one here wants to kill families, saying that takes any credibility away from you, and you come across as a troll.

            1. Did you read the links posted by the OP? That’s actually what we are talking about here.

      9. Israel does not kill a child in Gaza every 13 minutes. That is just untrue. And as a reminder, Hamas started this war by killing 1400 Israeli civilians and raping, torturing and kidnapping others, including toddlers and babies. Israel also makes the most efforts of any county to warn civilians of upcoming strikes, and in fact Hamas refused to let the civilians move to safer south Gaza per Israel’s request. And as you may know, Egypt is refusing to let Gazans in even though Hamas did not attack Egypt.

   2. On the subject of being fired for any hint of criticism at the Israeli govt
      https://www.science.org/content/article/prominent-journal-editor-fired-endorsing-satirical-article-israel-hamas

      On the subject of being stabbed to death for being Palestinian
      https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2023/10/16/us/chicago-muslim-boy-stabbing-investigation/index.html

      On Muslim civil rights conferences being cancelled for death threats
      https://apnews.com/article/cair-cancel-banquet-bomb-threats-virginia-hotel-f2b49f869364796d911b7e7a4296e262

   3. There was also video of Jewish students being chased in a library at an NYC university. Security had to intervene.

      1. It looks like NYPD did nothing and the librarians stepped in to aid the students.

   4. Thank you. It’s important that people know about this, despite the unpopular opinions of a certain poster. I’m sick and tired of acting like Hamas is some noble representative of the Palestinian people and then saying “well they don’t represent all of Palestine” when people point out that beheading civilians isn’t a typical activity for a would-be peaceful society. Look at what is happening to Jews there and in a country thousands of miles away and see what this is all about. It’s not about peace or freedom, at all.

      1. This.

      2. Who thinks that “Hamas is some noble representative of the Palestinian people?”

         1. I’ve never heard that exactly, but the pro-Palestinian side is shockingly wishy-washy about condemning Hamas and usually turns the conversation back to Israel without acknowledging any of the atrocities Hamas commits (against their own people, and against Israelis, and by actively working against any kind of peace deal). Whereas I have heard plenty of people supporting the right of Israelis to exist while still loudly condemning the Israeli government and their actions.

            1. Then don’t pass around misinformation. Even Rep. Tlaib, a Palestinian-American and Democrat, condemns it. Here’s Tlaib’s full statement: “I grieve the Palestinian and Israeli lives lost yesterday, today, and every day. I am determined as ever to fight for a just future where everyone can live in peace, without fear and with true freedom, equal rights, and human dignity.”

               You can be anti-Hamas and anti-Israeli govt/settlers while also supporting non-violence and coexistence without being labeled anti-Semitic or being pro-Hamas. People need to stop acting like there isn’t ample evidence that a lot of Israeli’s are also not happy with either government’s actions and support everyday Palestinians.

         2. The same sort of leftist who sides against Ukraine, in my circles.

         3. BDS, Democratic Socialists of America, and nearly all similar groups. That’s why they rejoiced when Hamas paragliders opened fire at the concert and why that paraglider image now appears on their merchandise.

      3. Just like many of us are tired of Israel and IDF being presented as just some defenders of freedom and righteousness as if they didn’t have a hand in every single aspect of what has led to today’s genocide of Palestinians.

         1. It isn’t a genocide. It’s a military operation with collateral damage. Those deaths are still tragic and every effort should be made to avoid them, but the only side calling for genocide is Hamas. Words matter.

            1. Hamas is calling for genocide and it also knows that no way ever did it have a chance of succeeding (fortunately). They fight like people who have nothing to lose because they don’t have anything to lose.
               And while words do matter, actions matter more and it’s IDF’s response to the “human-animals” (as the Israeli Defense head) said that shows what this has always been…a genocide. You’re acting like Israel cared about Palestinian lives before this. Where were all these commenters, these news articles when settlers kicked out Palestinians and murder them? What about THEM?! Where is the outrage? The worldwide condemnation? The “we stand with you” that Israeli supporters are asking for from everyone

            2. Anon at 12:16, there has been SO much attention to the plight of Palestinians for years (and there should be – of course there should be). It was never kept silent or brushed aside in anything I ever read or heard in progressive circles. That’s exactly why people are complaining that Israelis aren’t shown the same humanity now – because Palestinians have been shown it for years. People recognize the tragedy of women and children being harmed and killed, but only when they’re not Jewish.

            3. Yes, thank you, Anon at 11:55. Hamas is calling for genocide. Israel is involved in a war and killing people as part of the war, as virtually every other country has done at some point. You can not like war, and criticize the Israeli government’s actions, that’s fine, but it’s not a genocide. Words have meanings! Especially the word genocide, which was literally invented to describe the systematic murder of 6 million Jews in the Holocaust (there are still fewer Jews today than there were in 1939).

   5. I don’t understand why everyone thinks it’s just one poster. Plenty of people are divided on this. That being said, it’s totally fine not to support the Israeli government. In fact most Jews and Israelis I know don’t either. This is no way justifies attacking people who fly the Israeli flag, or who just happen to be Jewish, or in any way celebrating the massacre of innocent civilians or just shrugging it off as maybe they were asking for it. This is an incredibly slippery slope and we should all be loud and unanimous in condemning that. If you aren’t, you need to ask yourself some serious questions. And the same holds true for Palestine.

      1. Also, it’s one thing not to support any government in power and another to erase it as a country entirely.

         1. I really wasn’t previously aware how many people (white ex/Christian American people) want to erase Israel as a country entirely.

         2. Exactly. Hamas is the govt in Gaza and their expressly stated goal for the last 30 years is to erase Israel.

         3. +1. College acquaintance on social media yesterday shared a cute little infographic with a map of the Middle East and what is currently Israel shaded in with flowers…labeled “PALESTINE”. Like huh??? How does that solve any problems????

         4. Ironically, this comment can be applied to both sides. Palestinian land is literally and actually being stripped from its people to be given to settlers and has been now for nearly 70 years.

      2. The question for me is this: if these protests are all against the Israeli government, why are Jews in other countries being attacked on the streets by people who can’t even name three members of the Knesset?

         Part 2: Why aren’t the people who truly know and disavow Netanyahu speaking up to denounce the violence? The weak “I don’t support the government” paired with sudden silence on the question of violence against Jews (at least from people who never missed a chance to denounce violence against anyone else) is more telling than any platitude.

         1. Probably for the same reason that Arabs and Muslims are being targeted…people are idiots.

            But take heart, maybe you don’t hear the full throttle denunciation from random commenters or on your FB page, but at least Israel has the funding and military support of some of the world’s most powerful governments (and even both of our political parties! Apparently the only bipartisan thing there is to agree on) and institutions!

         2. This.

      3. Idk how many times I have to +1 this point, but +1 again. The response to a hate crime isn’t “well look at that war crime over there!” Both things can be bad. I feel like everyone on this board should be smart enough to know that, but alas.

   6. I firmly believe that in the US, the only flags one should fly is the US flag and your state flag. Where appropriate, the POW MIA flag can also be flown. It’s simply wrong to fly any other flag, and I look down on people and organizations that do so.

      1. For government institutions, fine. But individual people should be free to do whatever the hell they want in their own homes.

      2. Why would it be wrong to fly other flags?

   7. I got an email from the president of my alma mater yesterday denouncing what apparently were vile anti-Semitic epithets shouted during an on-campus rally yesterday. I had not heard anything about the event and was really sickened by the description of what had occurred on a campus heavily populated by Jewish students, staff, and faculty, including very renowned scholars in Jewish studies/Holocaust history/Middle East politics. I find this conflict complicated, and contrary to some I do think there are two sides (though not to the Oct 7 tragedy), but I was brought to tears thinking about this happening at an institution I am affiliated with. I can’t imagine this kind of display happening when I was there (decades ago now), but perhaps I was ignorant then.

      1. I believe I am an alum of the sled university and got that email and it happened back when I was at school too, enabled by sone of the student groups and their choices of speakers.

   8. Anecdotally, I see very few Israeli flags even though my area of LA has a lot of Jewish residents.

3. I was thinking of sending my kid to Cooper Union this summer for a teen program. Now . . . wow. Not prepared to watch that last night (then adding in the Maine situation). Is there any good news out there today?

   1. Poland recently had a surprisingly good election?

      But, yes, it does feel like the world is just a tinderbox of awful right now.

   2. As Anon at 10:16 said: “ if these protests are all against the Israeli government, why are Jews in other countries being attacked on the streets by people who can’t even name three members of the Knesset?”

      It wasn’t Israeli Cooper Union students, it was Jewish Cooper Union students:

      https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/newyork/news/cooper-union-pro-palestinian-rally-jewish-students-library/

      1. Did you read the article? It may have felt scary, but the group was adamant that it was for the admin, students of all backgrounds were in the library, they don’t condone anti-Semitism, and there was no violence and there was advance notice to the police.

   3. Remember the grandmother that accidentally texted the wrong young man to invite him to Thanksgiving? They are having Thanksgiving together again this year!

      https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/jamal-hinton-thanksgiving-text-wanda-dench-b2431836.html

      1. I love this!!

      2. I adore these two!

   4. Mexico decriminalized abortion!

      1. Yay!!! Good for them!

   5. despite being ranked the country with the highest gender equality for many years, Iceland is continuing to push for equal treatment and protecting women against violence. They saw the largest strike in 50 years yesterday, when women collectively refused both paid and unpaid labor.
      https://apnews.com/article/iceland-women-strike-equal-pay-970669466116a2b1a5673a8737089d46

   6. A federal judge struck down a severely Gerrymandered map in Georgia for congressional and state legislative districts, and ordered that it be redrawn more fairly in time for the 2024 election.

4. Me seeing this adorable sweater: Yay!
   Seeing the sweater is made of polyester and wool: Boo!

   1. exactly, no thanks

   2. Yeah I think this is super cute, but not Jcrew $100 cute… bummer

   3. You should go check out Garnet Hill. They have this exact sweater (their Cashmere Polo Sweater) in 100% cashmere for $179.

   4. Same. Yuck.

   5. I own this sweater and it is one of the softest and coziest sweaters I own

5. These are too trendy for me, this is going to look really dated in a few years.

   1. I feel like cool weather sweaters are forgiving, more so than pants styles. And don’t get me started on footwear. Just trying to stay warm is sufficient.

   2. I agree, and yet I really like the style, which usually is not the case for trend pieces.

   3. These had a moment circa 2000 – I had an ivory one from Ann Taylor that I wore to high school! But I detest JCrew’s wool-acrylic blends (they’re either itchy as h-ll or pill the minute you look at them) and so not hard to skip this purchase.

      1. Same, I had a bunch of Jonny collar tops and sweaters in the early 00s. I actually really love the look and am glad they are back.

   4. It’s neither fitted nor adorably slouchy and would just look sad in a few years.

   5. Uhh, hardly, that’s a pretty evergreen style that comes in all the time.

      1. Yeah, I don’t get the whole “this is too trendy” thing? This type of sweater has been around a long time. I don’t see what’s “trendy” about a basic v-neck sweater with a collar?

         1. And even if it is too trendy, so what? I’ll wear it for a few years and it will probably fall apart roughly when it goes out of style and c’est la vie.

   6. I feel like this would be a great wfh sweater. Too bad I don’t wfh.

   7. Not sure about trendy, but with 56% polymede I doubt it will even last years, lol.

   8. I think it looks dated now! This is giving me 80s/90s mom flashbacks.

      1. …which is what’s currently in style

         1. On trend or not, it’s still fug.

   9. It won’t last that long anyway.

6. When working from home, my husband and I often drink 2 pots of French Press coffee in the morning. The second pot never taste as good as the first. Often, it will taste will have a stale taste, like office coffee that has been sitting in the hot coffee pot too long. We rinse the French Press with cold water in before making the second pot. Does anyone else have this problem? What are we doing wrong?

   1. My dad swore by putting all hot coffee in a Thermos to avoid the burnt taste.

   2. It’s Murphy’s law of the coffee pot.

   3. Are you using soap? I think you have to really clean the French press in between uses.

      1. We just use water to rinse out all the old beans, and we wash it with soap once over the weekend. We do the same thing for the first pot of the morning (rinse out the beans/coffee residue from the day before with water), and that pot taste fine. It’s the second pot of the morning that taste stale (which doesn’t make sense, we are cleaning it the same way before each pot?!).

      2. Coffee has oils. You need soap and hot water to remove those oils.

   4. I bought a Nespresso for all cups of coffee after the initial pot during the day problem. This lets us drink the extra coffee on our own pace.

   5. It’s not the coffee, it’s your tastebuds. It’s just a cardinal rule of coffee drinking that nothing tastes as good as that first cup.

      1. My husband was briefly a smoker before I met him. He says nothing is as good as the first cigarette of the morning, and that was the only thing that made it hard to quit! Thankfully, he did quit for good.

      2. This.

      3. So true. For the second one to taste as good as the first, which I drink black, it needs to have a little creamer or something added.

   6. My guess is the first pot tastes better because it’s the first coffee you’ve tasted for the day. You probably drink it faster, too.

7. I am having one of those moments when my fantasy life doesn’t match up with my real life. I love fall fashion: the thick sweaters, corduroys, rugged boots, the whole bit. I want to look like I’m leaf-peeping in Vermont at all times. In actuality, I spend my days in a dressy business casual office, and in the evening I’m in athleisure and pajamas. My actual leaf-peeping outfit window is depressingly small. Last year I did make a concerted effort to find pretty work tops and sweaters in autumn colors, but it’s not the saaaame.

   1. I was just looking at the Haven section of the print Talbot’s catalog for November 23. It’s all beige and dove grey and off white and the sweaters are cabled and cozy looking. I’m always drawn to things like that in pictures but then when I inevitably order them, I put them on me and I feel like a bland potato. Then I spill tea down my front.

      1. OP here, and LOLing because it’s true. Those lovely neutrals make me look like a Christmas ghost.

         1. LOLing here too because I just bought a beige cable knit that looked so cool on the model. And maybe I got the wrong size but yep, I’m definitely channeling the stuffed potato look in it.

      2. I’m of the opinion you really need freshly styled hair and dark leggings to pair with sweaters like that for lounging around the house. I have a grey cashmere turtleneck that I pair with black leggings to wear around the house. DH calls it my rich housewife outfit. I’m neither rich nor a housewife in case that isn’t clear.

   2. I feel this, especially in the summer when my ideal vibe is “tending to my garden in a gauzy floral dress” and my reality is “sweating in the city in running shorts.”

      I’ve been trying to invest in clothes for my reality though!! I WFH and do a lot of yoga, so that means matching workout sets in pretty fall colors and cute fleece pullovers.

      1. Same here – buying clothes for my real life. I spend 80% of my time in bike shorts and a hoodie.

   3. I use nailpolish as my way to bridge the two. wearing a dark forest green with holo taco’s fallen flake topper, which is meant to look like falling leaves.

      1. Gah, that Holo Taco topper is GORGEOUS.

   4. Hard agree. I envision myself tramping through fields in those rugged corduroys and instead I’m wearing pajama pants at my WFH desk.

   5. I’m laughing at the term leaf-peeping, lol.
      I love earth tones and fall colors and wear them all year long, I personally can’t stand athleisure so my casual clothes this time of year are all the cords and sweaters and denims…

8. Playing off the coffee question above: does anyone have a mid-range coffeemaker they love? I’m trying not to spend $400+ on a coffeemaker for home, which we probably use to make ~3 cups per day on average. Right now we have a Cuisinart K-cup machine (I use coffee from a local roaster in reusable K-cups and would ideally continue to be able to brew my own coffees instead of going with whatever’s available) that’s on its last legs. Nespresso seems pricey and I can’t use my own coffee (again, not a dealbreaker). I’d gladly go back to a coffeepot but husband very much wants a one-cup option (I already own a French press). I love good coffee but am also not a super high-level coffee aficionado. I did look at Wirecutter but their picks are pretty expensive. Help?

   1. I gave up and stick to pour over. For smaller amounts of coffee, I don’t feel it is that much more work than using a coffee maker, and it becomes a ritual. Whatever you buy, a pour over might be the solution for your husband?

      1. I find pour-over less work than a coffeemaker for a single cup. Just get one of the cheap plastic Melitta cones and some filters and use your existing kettle. No mess, easier to set up than a drip coffeemaker, throw the cone in the dishwasher and clean-up is done.

      2. Yup, I have a ceramic cone and can make one cup with the coffee of my choice whenever I want, directly into my mug.

   2. You can buy aftermarket reusable Nespresso pods to use with your own coffee.

   3. I love my Ninja coffee maker — I think it’s the “specialty” model. It hasn’t shown any issues in 18+ months of daily use. It has five or six size options, from a single cup up to a full carafe. It also has some nice bonus features like delayed start and a built-in frother.

      1. We also love our Ninja. I think ours is the hot and cold brewed system. It also has several settings from a single cup to a full pot, we use our own beans from a local shop and are happy with the results. My only complaint is that we didn’t feel like the included permanent filter did a great job, so we add a paper filter each time we brew.

   4. I love and die on the hill of Nespresso. Their coffee is good, you don’t need to go track down fussy beans. It’s 100% worth it and anything K cup related just isn’t in the same category. It’s like comparing supermodels to regular people.

      1. LOL, I love this description, and agree with all of the above. FWIW, my husband uses stainless steel reusable nespresso pods with his fancy coffee in our Nespresso machine. I can’t be bothered and ironically he didn’t even drink coffee before he met me.

      2. Agreed. We have a Nespresso original (not vertuo)*. If you wait until black Friday you will see significant discounts. We’ve had ours for 5 years so it does amortize reasonably well.
         *The advantage of the original over the vertuo is that knock-off capsules are available for the original. The vertuo can only run with pods sold by Nespresso.

         1. Those are great points. I have an original Nespresso machine and bought during black Friday. The Illy pods are pretty good and I noticed when I was in Italy Illy had their own coffee shops.

      3. I agree. There’s no substitute for a Nespresso machine, especially since your husband wants a one-cup option.

         Now, I got my machine on Black Friday in 2019 after doing some exhaustive comparison shopping research in advance. That got the price down quite a bit, so you may consider that as part of the solution.

      4. Another plus one on this. I’ve had it for over ten years and love it.

      5. For the Nespresso fans, can anyone comment on the Creatista Plus? I am looking for a model with an actual steam wand and this seems to be just about the only option. Does it last? Does it ever go on sale?

   5. I am a simple coffee gal and only drink 4 cups per day of ground coffee

      just bought the ‘krups simply brew stainless drip 5 cup’ from amazon and it’s perfect for me. coffee comes out hot, has a warming plate to keep my second cup, and is one-button easy to use. $30

   6. We have a Moccamaster and love it. It’s really durable. On sale, under $ 300.

   7. This may seem odd but if I can’t have my Moccamaster my second choice is an Aeropress.

      1. I am also an aeropress devotee. Aeropress, pour over filter, burr grinder, and gooseneck electric tea kettle is my entire coffee setup right now.

         1. Agree, Aeropress is the best for a single cup. So easy to clean, too.

   8. Moccamaster makes a One Cup model. It makes a good cup of coffee. It is a wee bit fiddly in that you need to regularly use the provided tiny tool to clean out the tiny drip hole in the cone, lest it get blocked and run coffee all over your counter and floor. Should you or anyone else buy one: the tiny tool is taped to some of the paperwork in the box and would be easy to overlook and throw away. The #1 filters can be hard to locate, but I use #2 filters with it just fine. Overall, it’s a solid “yes” from me.

   9. Moccamaster.

   10. We have Wirecutter’s “also great” Bonavita and have been extremely happy. I used to be a pour over/pour through person, and then I had a kid and that got too complicated/required too many hands/too much attention; the Bonavita makes good coffee without being Moccamaster priced.

       1. I have the Bonavita too and like it.

9. Hopefully fun question –

   What are you dressing up for for Halloween, if you dress up?

   We love dressing up because we live in a big trick or treating neighborhood – there’s about a two hour stretch of the evening where we just sit on the porch steps and hand out candy because there’s a constant flow of kids.

   I’ve dressed as Glinda the good witch, Maude from the Big Lebowski, Malificent, and a generic cowgirl in the past. This year’s costume is a dirndl but I couldn’t talk my husband into lederhosen.

   My dog typically wears a hot dog costume but he hates it so it’s just on for a few pictures.

   1. Inspired by Danielle Pinnock, I am going to be a Parisian bedbug

      1. Ha – I love that! I’m terrible at planning and will be something random I have in the closet – options include rockstar (leather jacket and aviator Ray Bans), crazy scientist (DH’s lab coat, random makeup, little mirror headband) or air stewardess (navy skirt and blazer, cute silk scarf, cute hat I’ve had since college) or if all else fails, cat (all black outfit, eyeliner drawn whiskers, headband).

   2. Zorro! We’ve got a costume contest at my barn, so I am borrowing someone’s dark bay horse (because no one has a black one) and will also wear the costume (minus the horse) for work’s costume contest and to hand out candy. I love Halloween. In recent years, I’ve been a pirate, a vampire, the phantom of the opera, a witch, and in 2020, Bernie Sanders at inauguration (with the big mittens sitting in the chair. I already owned almost the exact same pair of mittens, so how could I not). I bought a black cape in my teenage years at Renn faire and it’s amazing how many halloween costumes it’s been incorporated into in the last 20ish years.

   3. People at work dress up although I’m not much of a costume gal. I thought about getting a dark blue apron and a kitchen towel and going as a cook from The Bear.

   4. I don’t usually dress up but last year my 11-year-old daughter was Pennywise and so I dressed up as Georgie. She was sad because her brother wouldn’t go as Georgie so I bought the costume but didn’t tell her and so she was surprised and happy when I came out ready to take her trick-or-treating as Georgie haha.

   5. My kids chose dinosaur costumes this year so I’m going as Dr Ellie Sattler. I’ve also done Rosie the Riveter.

      1. love it!

      2. I’ve done Rosie the Riveter too and it’s super easy – denim shirt, red bandana, red lipstick.

   6. I have a dress that looks a lot like Dorothy’s so I’ll be wearing that, with red pumps, a wicker basket, a stuffed dog toy, and my hair in braids for our office family halloween trick or treat party today (I’ve officially reached the age of ‘cooing over the cute toddlers/babies in costumes while getting misty remembering when mine was that small).

   7. My team always votes on a theme every year — we’re serious about it! I used to hate this but post-COVID have embraced small joyful things like this. We picked Barbie this year and I have pink boiler suit from Target (procured via eBay) ready to go :)

      1. +1 to embracing small joyful things. I never realized in the past how much being a curmudgeon about traditions/silly thing was bringing others down with the negativity.

   8. I’m going as Taylor Swift’s Red (Taylor’s Version) album cover. I ordered a newsboy cap from the river site, found a khaki trench coat at Goodwill, and already have red lipstick. It’s not quite a perfect match but not bad for $23 worth of stuff I’ll wear again anyway.

      Fun fact, “We are Never Getting Back Together” was playing in the store when I found the coat!

      1. You can say Amazon…

   9. Your husband could go as ‘Max Musterman’ (Max Exampleman) which is the German equivalent of John Doe. He should wear a good solid all-weather jacket (Jack Wolfskin if you can get it), and socks with birkenstocks.

      1. haha on the socks with Birkenstocks. He has dressed as The Dude in the past (when I was Maude) so he’s likely to do that again – it gives him an excuse to sip on White Russians/Caucasians all evening.

      2. Ha, are you German?

         A a German, I love this idea. And then for a couple’s costume, the woman should dress up as Erika Mustermann, in a matching Jack Wolfskin jacket and Birkenstocks. Basically, unisex functional gear. Bonus points for glasses with the clip-on sunglass attachment and a Deuter backpack..

         (Yes, I’ve run into way too many of my countrypeople on vacation in state parks or national parks, and there’s a reason why I avoid them, lol.)

   10. Even as a kid, I spent most years just being a witch or a black cat. And that was before I wore black often! I’ve just never been much into costumes.

   11. My seven year wants to be Wednesday Addams and asked her father and I and baby to match so my husband is growing a moustache and we are going as Morticia, Gomez and the seventh month old as Pubert. My twelve year old is going as the Lorax in a pretty hilarious orange unitard and ridiculous stuck on moustache and eye brows. Ten year old is Link from Zelda, four year old is Princess Poppy from Trolls. I start sewing tomorrow after hosting a birthday party tonight. We always host a chili get together for neighbours.

   12. Weird barbie! I was thinking that I rarely wear fancy make up except for Halloween lol.

       1. OMG weird Barbie! That’s a great costume!

   13. I will be a skeleton again as I have a onesie that’s also warm.

   14. I pitched my family the idea to dress up as characters from Matilda, with me as Ms. Honey or Ms. Trunchbull, my husband as Mr. Wormwood, and my child as either Matilda or one of the other kids in the book (kid loves Bruce Bogtrooter with the chocolate cake).
       But noone went along with it so I’m keeping it for another time.

   15. My teenage daughter is going to be Cinderella to delight “the babies” at ballet (who already think she’s a rock star / “real ballerina” because pointe shoes) and asked me to be Lady Tremaine. I was going to be PTA Karen (like the other 364 days of the year, just with a nametag) but I will dress up as requested because the last time she wanted to do joint costumes she was 6.

       1. Your daughter is the sweetest ever!

          1. Aw, thanks.

   16. My husband and I are expecting in March, so we’re dressing up as Stu and Dede Pickles from the Rugrats (for any other 90s kids).

   17. I’m taking advantage of being pregnant to be the pregnant barbie midge

   18. I don’t think we’re dressing up this year, but past favorites have included the original Peter Graves/Barbara Bain from Mission: Impossible, and the Twelfth and Thirteenth Doctors from Doctor Who (he’s tall with white hair, and I’m short and blonde).

10. Anyone have a small office fridge you can recommend? I’m looking for one that’ll sit on top of a small file cabinet and hold just a few snack items, maybe a couple bottles of ice tea, and a lunch container — not a lot of stuff. I’m just tired of having to search through the minefield/petri dish that is our office fridge for my lunch every day. One co-worker brings about 6 containers every day to make a huge salad and takes up most of the fridge space and is pretty oblivious to the fact that yes, other people DO work here and yes, they, too would like to keep their lunches cold as well. And now that she’s got her best office buddy in on the Let’s Play Office Top Chef game, well, fridge space is fast disappearing. We don’t have room for another full size fridge, so I’m looking out for my ownself.

    I’m close to a Best Buy, Wally World, TarJay, and of course, the River is always an option. Not sure if Lowes or Home Depot sell the small fridges like I’m interested in, but they’re around, too.

    Thanks in advance, ladies!

    1. I’d probably just put an ice pack in my lunch box until colleagues get tired of salad and/or someone gets annoyed enough to put a stop to the fridge hogging. Or, buy a Pack-It big enough to accommodate what I needed if I wanted to get fancy.

       1. +1

    2. Home Depo and Lowes both have a Smeg knock off in fun colors. You can check the website to see if you like the size, but they are super adorbs in person.

    3. look up “4L mini fridge” on Amazon – i’ve had that size of fridge for my office before and it was the perfect size.

11. I’ve always had dark, thick eyebrows. (They were unfashionably thick in the 90s because I skipped most of the extreme tweezing.) I get them waxed every 2-3 weeks and tweeze an errant hair in between. However, a month ago I got them waxed at a new place and the waxer made them much thinner than I am used to/would like, with a more extreme arch. I’m not in the awkward period of trying to wait out the regrowth, but they look very unkempt in the meantime because the waxed area is growing back and looks like I have missed a waxing appointment or two.

    Since they were always so thick, I’ve never used any brow products, but I think I need to do so in this awkward re-growing period. I’d appreciate any advice on specific products/brands/stores/techniques. My hair is dark brown (almost black), but I am have fairly pale white skin.

    1. I think a brow gel / brow mascara would work. I like a very narrow wand. Benefit has a good one. I don’t think the clear ones do anything so I choose a mid brown as close to my natural brow color as possible. It’s really hard to find ashy brow gels that don’t lean reddish, but Benefit does it well.

    2. Nyx has great brow products that are good dupes for the Anastasia ones.

    3. Eyebrow pencil?

    4. I also have thick, dark brows and have gone through this before. Best advice I have is to keep the “regular” part of your brow super neat–get a spoolie and comb the hair upwards and trim it every other week or so, and apply brow gel (you don’t need to spend a lot on this–ELF or an equivalent is fine). This helps give the appearance of a neat line even if the growing part looks a little scraggly. You could also get a brow pencil and lightly feather in some strokes where the hair is growing in–but IMO brow pencil really only looks good lightly applied to places where the hair has already grown in, otherwise the effect is very 2010 Instagram with the super chunky Brow Dip style block brows.

    5. Benefit’s Goof Proof pencil is good at helping me fill in areas where I wish there were more hairs

12. What’s current for wearing in office as tights? Opaque black or sheer black?

    For context, I’m in NYC and getting ready to start new job as an in-house counsel at a very big public company. I’m 47, so I’m at real risk of looking frumpy.

    1. I’m just about to pare down my extensive tights collection because I feel like we are in a pants/trousers moment and have been for quite a while. My basic business skirts don’t get worn.

       1. Yeah, I don’t wear dresses or skirts to the office anymore unless it’s summer.

       2. I agree skirts are endangered, but I’d never give up the ease of wearing dresses.

          1. I mean to each her own, but the ease of wearing a dress gets cancelled out by pulling on tights or even worse, pantyhose, in order to wear a dress, at least in the winter.

             I didn’t wear pants to work regularly for over a decade, and now they’re all I wear.

    2. One needs to try out a few shades to find the right skin-tone match but I find that very sheer BROWN tights actually do the best job of looking like sheer black tights. Sheer black tights often wind up looking cheap or harsh. I think opaque is out and can read juvenile.

       1. Yes, this is excellent advice. I like a really dark brown (called peppercorn) which looks so much more sophisticated than plain sheer black.
          I do like sheer better than opaque, unless it’s really cold.

          Caveat: I’m 44 so may be unknowingly frumpy myself!

    3. Honestly no idea. I see many more pants than skirts/dresses (and the legs are often bare if in skirts/dresses)

    4. Black tights are still what I see more often and my in house office in NYC is full of dresses.

    5. Sheer tights for sure. I only do opaque tights if I’m trying to get away with a bit shorter of a hemline than is appropriate for the setting.

       1. ETA: Sheer black tights, not panty hose

          1. Serious question: What is the difference between sheer black tights and pantyhose?

             1. Not sure if there’s a technical answer, but I use pantyhose to refer specifically to nude sheer tights. Black sheer tights are just black sheer tights.

       2. What are your go-to brands for sheer tights?

          1. I like Calzedonia because you can mix and match the band width and opacity. I don’t think it’s worth spending a ton on sheer tights because they inevitably snag and run eventually, regardless of price point.

    6. I never got down with the super-opaque look, so my faves are DKNY, which are perfectly matte and fall in the midrange of sheer to opaque. I think 50-60 denier is my sweet spot.

    7. Hanes matte black (opaque) tights should be fine.

13. What are little things you do for yourself alone to make yourself happy? So I don’t mean things like date night with DH or going to your child’s soccer game. While those are great, as a long term single person, I don’t have those options. I can think of big things like a vacation but am thinking more day to day.

    Grew up in a home where happiness was never prioritized – it was just about getting straight As and then working full time as adults with all down time used for TVs and chores. As you’d imagine I know a lot of unhappy, unfulfilled people and they don’t even know why and just blame each other or some of them have decided religiosity is the answer. This isn’t a cycle I want to repeat esp not as a single person as I think there’s a potential to turn into a very lonely person. So what little things do you look forward to in life?

    1. Exercise, yoga, a beautifully cooked dinner, reading a good book, learning something new, snuggling my pet.

    2. I’m also a long term single person. Honestly the best thing is spending time with friends who are also single – they make me really happy. I also love decorating my space and filling it with things that spark joy (good sheets and towels, artwork, etc). I have hobbies. I indulge in baths, getting my nails done, skincare. If I want to spend a whole Saturday lying on the couch watching movies, I do it. Treat Yo Self!

    3. As a long term single person, my life is full of happiness and joy. I have a hobby I love I fit in after work a couple days a week (ballroom dance) l, I go for walks after work unless the weather is truly dreadful, I enjoy going out to a bar for a drink or casual dinner, I meet up with friends, I go to the ballet or theatre at least once a month

    4. Some form of art! I’m not artsy at all, but I love doing paint by number almost as meditation. The colors make me happy and the process is deeply satisfying.

       I grew a vegetable garden this summer and that was similarly fun.

       I have been working on running and while I’m the slowest runner in the world, it is very satisfying to see incremental progress.

       I play the piano and love doing that. If I had more time I’d take lessons again.

       1. I totally agree on the art. I periodically sign up for a workshop at a local studio and then in between I’ve been practicing at home. It’s so absorbing and I love it. I’m in the process of getting over a breakup and having this hobby has been so therapeutic. I put on music and diffuse some essential oil and make a whole mood when I’m in my art zone.

    5. I buy little foods that would make me happy, like nice teas and seltzer and fancy jams etc.

       I generally like the idea of “glamorizing your own life” – my apartment is decorated how I like it, I light candles even if I’m reading on my own, get flowers from the supermarket, nice bath stuff etc. Whatever makes you celebrate life.
       I make it a point to look up events or exhibits to go to – it somehow feels luxurious to me to go to something like a author book reading. Doesn’t matter whether friends come or not.

       When you were a kid you probably thought “I wish I could do XYZ” – well now you can. Maybe don’t eat cake for dinner, but also, if it’s not every day, why not!

       1. +1 to all of this. Make your apartment as girly and luxe as you want. Play your favorite music while cooking dinner. Get a fabulous robe and slippers for lounging. Buy whatever looks good at the grocery store for dinner that night, whether it’s an elaborate lobster risotto or cheese and crackers. Make a fancy drink every Friday when you’re done working. Bonus points if you build up a bar cart full of interesting liqueurs. Get as many massages and pedicures as your budget allows. Build a Saturday or Sunday morning routine you look forward to: pick up coffee and a pastry from a nice bakery, go to a farmers market, walk to a park while listening to your favorite podcast.

    6. Partnered now, but things that still bring me joy (and which I leaned on heavily when I was single/lived solo):
       1. Doing my hobbies regularly – for me this was exercising and practicing a musical instrument every day after work (or almost every day). The routine made me better at both which felt great.
       2. Trying new things and embracing looking silly, particularly if they turned solo activities into group activities (joined a running club even though I’m extremely slow, tried new workout classes and did front desk shifts at the studios, took a songwriting class). I did end up making lifelong friends from any of these, but it was fun to chat while running, hang out with the class instructors, etc.
       3. Do date-type activities solo. I like taking myself to dinner or to a museum, either with a book or without. It just feels cozy and nourishing. But this could be any type of activity you like (hiking, a spa?).

    7. I found a habit that led me to greater happiness: stop saying no to opportunities because they have some small hassle. I grew up in a family where it was normal to leave an event before it was finished to avoid 10 minutes of traffic getting out of the parking lot or to say no to traveling somewhere that might be crowded or to decline a social outing that required getting up earlier than normal. I’ve now identified that that tendency was leading to a really blah life. Now I focus on the benefit of the event (a fun concert! ski day!) and tell myself that all the “hassle” won’t stick in my memory later the way the event will.

       1. I also grew up in a family that will leave 10 minutes early to avoid traffic and it drives me CRAZY. You’ve just described my family in a nutshell.

          1. Haha Hubby and I used to have season tickets to the symphony (still do, but seats are different now) and the couple who sat in front of us (also season ticket holders) would invariably jump up at the exact second the conductor lowered his baton, and race out of there like they were being chased by rabid wolves. I always thought that was so rude — participating in the ovation is part of the contract between the performers and the audience, you know?

    8. I love this question and have been thinking about it a lot lately. I’m partnered with kids and I don’t always enjoy going to their games! Hahaha. Here are some of the things I do:

       – Regularly work out in a social setting. I had to take three months off from the gym this year and while I missed the exercise, I REALLY missed seeing people and catching up with them. Something about striving for something/working hard all at the same time is a bonding opportunity.
       – Acknowledging that I value hosting and relationships. So sometimes I text a friend to come over for wine on a random Tuesday and acknowledge that I won’t be productive that night b/c I’m doing something else that’s important to me.
       – Browsing at antique/resale shops. I love vintage Pyrex! My life is extremely go-go (big job, three kids, working spouse, Type A) so this feels like a lovely sort of slow-down.
       – Trying to be good at calling/catching up with/checking in with the “outer circle” people in my life: those who aren’t close-close friends, but whom I like and enjoy and care about. Examples: my former assistant who retired to another state, my (deceased) mom’s bff who was a big part of my world growing up.

       I realize a lot of these involve other people. Although I’m an extrovert, I also need recharge time at home — and these connections are all intentional. I’m picky about where/how I spend my limited free time!

    9. I mean, sometimes I look forward to chores, lol. I love that I have the ability to keep a tidy and inviting home.
       I enjoy second-hand and antique shopping, and I have a few collections I like adding to.
       I collect old cookbooks and like to try some of the more obscure recipes, especially from the 18th and 19th centuries.

    10. My dog makes me happy. Walks with my dog, hiking with my dog, etc. Also, my hobbies make me happy – reading, knitting, kayaking, hiking, etc. These days, avoiding news also makes me much happier.

    11. Also a longtime single lady here—I try to “romanticize my life” whenever possible, as cheesy as it sounds. To me that means making my house a cozy, warm retreat by having everything I own be something I like or something that makes me happy in some way (hi, pink spatulas). I choose luxurious bath soap rather than the cheapest one at the store. I actively search out activities that make me feel happy and do them regularly. I’ve added pets to my life and they make my life joyful. I lean into my space being my own and fully decorate it that way—everything is tailored towards my taste, even if it’s maybe “too much” or “not good for resale”—I’m living there and can always redecorate if I need to sell.

        I totally understand the tendency to have free time just turn into chore time—can you outsource some chores? Having a house cleaner has done wonders for me because I can enjoy a clean house while not spending my evenings and weekends cleaning.

    12. I’m newly single and here’s what I do to inject joy into my life: In the morning I make myself a latte and enjoy it with nice music and keep the music going (or a good podcast) while I get ready. In the evening, I play music, light a candle or diffuse some essential oil to set a mood. I like to read, or call friends. Occasionally during the week I’ll have a work event in the evening, or I’ll go to a lecture at the local university or meet my brother for dinner (I really enjoy his company). I like to take baths and use lovely scented lotion afterwards and put on some nice pjs. I also like to do yoga. On the weekends I prioritize having something fun to look forward to: meeting up with a friend, having my niece sleep over, going to a birthday part. I love the idea of romaticizing your life. The great thing about living alone is that you can have things exactly as you like them and I’m leaning into that hard after sharing a place with a former partner.

    13. I thought of another one: don’t make excuses not to have fun. Don’t stay indoors all winter because you don’t have a warm coat – obtain a warm coat. Don’t skip out on the Fourth of July fireworks because you’ll get 30 minutes less sleep than usual – you can handle it.

    14. I’m coupled but a huge introvert and lately I’m leaning into all things soft. I have a faux fur throw, soft sweaters and fleeces, good pajamas, etc. Surrounding myself with softness while I’m reading or watching a movie feels really gentle and nourishing.

        Also my studio membership is expensive but it brings me so much joy. I go to yoga, Pilates, and barre all the time and it’s a great way to spend the evening after work.

    15. Long time single and mine include: signing up for all sorts of classes (painting, forging, copper wire working, acrylic art – I have made coasters (given to friends) and a wooden tray with inlaid dried flowers and fruit, engaging with creative people I respect and admire (a cookbook author currently), talking to my neighbors regularly, getting new books from the library, buying original art for my house and then rearranging it every so often (I also engage with the artists which is nice), hikes, it’s going to sound weird but OrangeTheory (we have regulars and have become friends), weekly self-applied manicures and pedicures (I have gotten quite good), baths, specialty tea, trying new sparkling water (I don’t drink).

    16. I “schedule” at least an hour a day to do something that I know I will enjoy. It can vary from a scheduled group fitness class like yoga, to sitting down with a new engrossing novel I borrowed from the library and just read without interruption while my phone is in another room, to making a nice cup of tea for myself and spending about 20 minutes slowly savoring the smell and taste, or even just taking a 30 min walk outside in my neighborhood.

        I do schedule “dates” with my friends – it could be going to see a show together, going on hikes, a coffee chat, or even going to a group fitness class or art class together. If you like cooking, maybe schedule out a day where you can cook something you love but takes a while to cook? And then enjoy that meal without interruption! Or invite a friend over to share! So many ways to find day to day small joys.

    17. I just started crocheting and realized that learning something new that’s challenging but achievable makes me happy. I’m really enjoying the downtime/calm of just crocheting for a while, but also the part where I watch youtube videos and struggle to figure something out.

    18. I take voice lessons, sing in a couple of auditioned volunteer choirs, ski at the local hill when there is snow, and make myself a latte every day with fancy coffee beans. Once in a while I will read a novel in a single sitting. If I had more time I would take yoga and ballet classes.

    19. Work out class, reading a good book, long bath with a glass of Prosecco, taking myself out to a quiet wine bar, running, face mask, body scrub, cooking, etc. I also love spending time with friends and family and scheduling get togethers.

14. People who travel for work, do you expense things like seat upgrades?
    Of course I’ll ask my boss, but wanted to get a sense of what the norm is first. The official policy is that the company will cover “flights to visiting country + lodging, transport to/from the airport in both countries” and then a per diem.
    Related to travel I’ve also expensed visa fees.

    1. I am self employed now so I deduct it all, but my prior employers all had very clear rules about what you could and couldn’t expense. Do you have a written travel policy? Or is that blurb all of it? If so, I’d try expensing it and see what happens.

       In my experience, the travel bean counters absolutely loved to disapprove everything they could so seat upgrade fees would be the first to be stricken.

       1. That blurb is pretty much it. We have a new CFO so definitely possible that he’ll crack down more, but in the past they approved a $125 Uber ride without a word so they’re not that stingy.

          This blurb is an improvement – in the past I expensed Ubers even though I wasn’t 100% sure I could and clearly In the end, it was fine. Back then the only wording was “travel to / from the country” which I figured included the trip to the airport.

    2. We have a travel policy that defines what can be expensed. On a regular domestic flight I could not expense a seat upgrade.

       1. Several hour long international flight in economy. (Business class is not an option but I’m fine with that)

    3. yeah, I think any large employer will have a policy about this. When I worked in the corporate world, no one could fly first class domestically and only high-level people could fly business class internationally. Now I’m in higher ed and there’s no way regular faculty/staff could expense a business or first class upgrade. The only people who get to fly first class are like the provost and the football coach, and those people mostly fly private anyway.

       1. Same kind of industry! But I’m talking about a $60-100 economy -> economy plus upgrade, not to business class.Or $40-60 to pick your seat – I’m not risking sitting in a middle seat for an international flight.

          1. I wouldn’t be able to expense this anywhere I have worked. It’s an optional cost, so I’ll be surprised if it’s allowed

          2. I think you can probably choose your seat to avoid a middle seat, but I wouldn’t expect to expense economy plus if you work in a non-profit/higher ed-type environment.
             Get airline status and then you get economy plus for free!

    4. Personally I don’t, but if I had to upgrade, to, e.g., avoid a middle seat or have a guaranteed seat, I would. I think it’s reasonable for the company to pay a 10-20% more in order for me to travel comfortably.

    5. No to expensing an upgrade, but yes to more money for picking a seat. An upgrade is typically a change in service level (economy plus, comfort plus, whatever) but seat selection is still the same grade of service, just not the most bare bones, unrefundable fare. I am definitely not flying in a middle seat for work.

    6. My company only allows us to expense upgraded tickets on long international flights (I think the rule is something like 7+ hours maybe?). For internal-purpose travel, we are only allowed to upgrade on long international flights to premium economy. Never on domestic travel.

15. out of curiosity, does anyone have a pension (or promise of a pension)? i just saw a story about people living in retirement and the math was so different than i would have thought, that is very little savings but big monthly paychecks from pensions.

    1. I will have a pension, career state government. It is not the windfall that many seem to think. After 35 years of participation and contributing on full salary at about the same rate as social security, my pension will replace about 40-45% of my salary. I think I could have come close to that with my contributions and earnings on those, annuitized. I am glad that I will have it, but given my otherwise horrible compensation package, it feels well-earned and not overly generous, just an element of my compensation.

    2. I had a pension but I took a lump sum rollover so now it’s in an IRA. My husband has a small pension (he only worked for that employer for 15 years) and he’s collecting it now, but it doesn’t take the place of regular 401K savings.

       Pensions are going the way of the dodo. They were great, or at least they sounded great, but they’re just not a thing for most non governmental employees.

    3. I work for a state university, and a bunch of people I know have pensions. I think they did away with then in the early 2000s so people hired after that date (including me) don’t have them, but the people who were already here then kept them.

       Personally, I don’t really care? As long as I can live independently, I will be more than fine on basic retirement contributions (which includes a 10% contribution from my employer) and when I need assisted living care, a pension wouldn’t cover it. So to me a pension wouldn’t be this big, life-changing thing.

    4. Yes. Federal government but this isn’t the pension of yesteryear where I’ll get 50k or 100k per year. We’re talking more like 15 or 20k per year depending on how much longer I stick around. So it’s a nice extra but the 401k is still the main retirement focus.

    5. If I stay in my federal job until 55, I should receive about 80% of today’s salary. With the addition of mine and spouse’s SS we should replace my income completely (Should be plenty for us to live on). Obvs inflation will impact the purchasing power but it’s hard to think about how it impacts our overall financial planning because we may not need to be as aggressive in other retirement savings. There’s not a ton of easily accessible financial planning information about considering a pension. We met with one adviser who suggested we ignore the pension entirely because pension funds can go bankrupt. Which may be true for private pensions but if the US government defaults on employee pensions we will all have bigger problems.

       1. I’m also a federal employee, and confused about how you get to 80%. My understanding is that, at full retirement age, you get 1.1% of your salary (based on an average of your top three years) for each year of service. So, with 30 years of service, wouldn’t it be 33%?

       2. The 80% at age 55 seems unusually generous for a federal government pension. It’s 1% (or 1.1%) per year of service — you cannot have worked for the feds for 80 years by the time you are 55 years old! (Perhaps you are CSRS instead of FERS?) Regarding investments, I was advised that I can be more aggressive than folks who are not looking forward to a pension, because the pension is quite low-risk, guaranteed future income, so the 401(k) (here, the Federal Thrift Savings Plan, or TSP) funds can go to more risky investments, as there is the pension to fall back on, as if I already had a bunch of T-Bills to live off the guaranteed interest income.

    6. Canadian military and the pension is a great defined benefit pension. 50% of top five years. My husband is 43 and eligible in three years. I joined late and am eligible at age 56 in 11 years. If we never got another pay increase (unlikely) our combined pension income will be 164k per year. It’s more likely to approach 200k. That combined with the almost full salary for one year mat leave are unbeatable in my opinion. My husband could retire in three years and return to do his job as a civilian for full pay plus the pension.

       1. How long does it take to vest?

          DH is Cdn federal govt and the defined benefit pension there is great because it is full indexed. I’m provincial govt with a defined benefit pension but unindexed which is useless. I’d love to do DND legal for a few years pre- retirement but not if it takes 10+ years to vest.

          1. You can transfer over your provincial pension to federal. There is an explanation online of the process/value for each province.

          2. I don’t actually know that but for some reason, I think it is two years. I am JAG and just finished five years seconded to the DND legal services unit (litigation) and absolutely loved it. CAF/DND has a unique unit like GAC. I loved the work.

    7. I am a lawyer for a state government agency with a pension. After 25 years of service, I can retire with 80% of my highest 3 years salary. Shortly after I started, the service requirement changed to 30 years.

    8. My husband has one. It factors into our retirement savings prominently because it’s iron clad and should be around $100k per year by the time he retires. That being said we also max out all 401k, 403b, and employer 401k contributions, so also contribute $88,500 in pre tax contributions to retirement.

       1. Do you mean 403b and 457? 401k and 403b accounts have a joint contribution limit ($22,500 this year), so I don’t see how you could be getting to $88k. It’s the 457 that is counted separately from 401k/403b and allows you to max two accounts.

          But kudos on contributing so much! We also both have the 403b & 457 situation, but have never maxed all four accounts. That would be half our pre-tax income currently.

          1. I am a partner in biglaw. We are allowed to contribute up to $66,000 in our 401k/defined contribution plans. Maybe my other $43,500 is a 457 instead? either way, we max it out.

             We also have access to his 457 plan but instead of using that, we use my whole life insurance policy (required through work) for additional investment contributions. Makes a big difference in terms for savings!

    9. My mil’s husband is much older than her. He’s a retired professor at a cuny school. City university of New York. He elected a pension that will provide him with a six figure income until his death and a six figure income to her until her death should he outlive her, which is likely. Good for them, but as a taxpayer wow. I don’t think this man ever worked more than a 20 hours a week in his life. What a country we used to have, huh? Now I don’t even think most college professors have full employment benefits let alone this stuff.

    10. My husband does, NYC teacher. It’s like having a unicorn.

    11. I have a govt position with a good pension (will be about $85K a year). Sadly, it keeps me in a job I despise. Only five years, five months, and 16 more days. However, with my pension, I will receive a max of $750 per month in SS.

        1. Mine is much the same as your numbers. I do also have a 401k that will provide a very modest boost to my income and am on track to retire debt free. So I’m not going to be living high on the hog and may need to live to an area with a lower cost of living, but otherwise just fine.

    12. I have one that will be 80-90% of my highest earning 3 years, which will be low- to mid-6 figures. I’m curious how other people with these types of pensions factor this into their savings goals (retirement or otherwise)? I think the “assume it’s not there and save what you need for retirement” is unreasonable (its quasi-government, so very low probability of going bankrupt), but the other end of the spectrum of saving nothing doesn’t seem like the right answer. How do you decide where two fall between the two extremes?

        1. I’m the responder below whose husband will have a pension after he retires from the military, and we worked with a financial planner who had expertise in military benefits (including retirement pensions but also things like factoring the GI bill into college savings). So, that may be an option.

    13. My husband will receive a pension when he retires from the military, equal to 50% of the avg. of his last three years pay. This should be about $60k/year starting when he’ll be in his late 40s/early 50s. Plus free healthcare for our family. The plan is for him to work another (hopefully higher-paying) job for 10 years or so and then retire — for good — early. My company ended its pension program a few years before I joined, so I work with a number of folks who have vested in it, but I don’t know the details.

    14. At least some of the Big 4 accounting firms have pensions, in addition to 401(k) plans. I dont really factor it in much, because the current projected benefit (i.e. if I left the company today) is fairly low, but they have calculators to help you model it that show it can be a substantial payout if you stay long term.

    15. My in laws have pensions (retired teachers) and thank god for it. They are not great with managing money and made it to retirement with only about 200k (almost entirely as home equity, house was not paid off). If not for the pension, they would be struggling to live on social security. Instead they live a few blocks away from us in NYC in a nice (small) rental that they can manage, and where they have everything delivered, and spend their remaining monthly budget on… mobile game microtransactions, as far as I can tell. They haven’t touched their savings but haven’t added to it either, despite the fact that they barely leave the house and don’t shop.

    16. I just retired with two pensions — a little one from five years with the state government, and a bigger one from 18 years with the county. Put together they add up to about 50% of my final pre-retirement salary, plus I have subsidized health insurance for both my husband and me. I’m making up the difference with Social Security (which I’m not going to start taking for another couple of years — I’ll take a small hit due to the pension but not much because I had many years paying into SS before I went to work for the government) and 401(K)/403(b) savings. I feel extremely fortunate.

16. I got invited to two back to back baby showers in a few weeks. Does anyone feel like the gifting is kind of out of control? I’m happy to buy a generous gift from the registry but they also need a book instead of a card, and diapers for a raffle like this is a fundraiser. Is that a lot? Kind of feels like a lot. I’m sure most people are going to spend the same whether it’s split between three gifts or one so why do we do this? Also for some reason I get irritated by the poem about how they hope it’s not “hard” to “bring a book instead of a card.” I’m really not trying to be a huge grump. I know everything that seems corny is pretty fun for the mom to be and pregnancy can be really difficult so it’s really nice to have showers to look forward to. But oh man. I’d like to never read a twee poem about the additional requests again.

    1. I just don’t do this and don’t feel guilty. You get a card and a gift. If you want a book cool you get a card and a book. You want diapers? That’s your gift.

       1. Same here. Or if I get all 3, then it’s the same amount I previously would have spent on just the one gift. I’m a huge book nerd, so I get wanting to build a library for the kid, but I also think it’s kind of rude to dictate what specific gift a person must buy for a shower.

    2. That’s out of control. Just bring what you want from the registry.

       I say this as a mom: I find the “it’s not hard to being a book instead of a card” thing to be tone deaf to the childless. Generally, the books you remember loving as a kid – Madeline, Make Way for Duckings, Where the Wild Things Are – are fine for toddlers and kids but aren’t great baby books. Pre-kids, I would have struggled to find good kids books. I don’t think I’m alone in this – the people who have the best kids books were also parents.

       Not trying to start a Mommy War; if you are childless and are an awesome gifter of baby items, you have my admiration. I just don’t think that’s an appropriate *expectation for everyone*.

       1. My cousin had a baby and I got the baby a bunch of books. I put a lot of effort into it and got a combination of classics and new ones. It was definitely really appreciated and those are the main books they own for the kid now. However, while I knew he wouldn’t really be reading it for a while I didn’t realize how long, and that babies just need anything hard and colorful. The parents say he’s enjoying Good night moon but he’s like 6 months old, how much of an opinion can he really have.

       2. I think you may be overthinking this. Madeline is a perfectly nice book to give at a shower. But, you don’t have to choose the best, most perfect book in the world. Nobody is judging your choice unless you bring something like The Anarchist’s Cookbook.

          1. I got pregnant at almost-40 and the non-parents freely admitted that they either swiped ideas from parents as to what to get (ie group gift and the mom in the group picked everything out) or shopped the baby section and hoped for the best.

             IMHO, I dislike the idea that just because we have XX chromosomes, we are up on all things Baby. Let’s make it easy for everyone to participate.

       3. I just had a shower, and did the boom instead of card thing. Honestly, the price is about the same and a card is just such waste.

          I loved the people who brought a kids book. I received a bunch of books I hadn’t heard of before, and look forward to reading them to my daughter. It was also nice to hear the stories about why a book was someone’s favorite or how they remember it from childhood. Baby books may be used earlier, but have less of a shelf life.

    3. They need a book instead of a card? And you have to buy a gift and diapers too? It is a lot. Who’s running this thing?

       If you really feel like you have no choice on the diapers and the book, buy the cheapest thing from the registry or give her a $25 Target gift card for more diapers. I wish there was a board book called “Little Pigs Get Fed, Big Pigs Get Eaten.”

    4. You can always decline if you don’t like attending showers.

       1. There’s a difference between disliking showers and being required to bring three specific gifts. OP, either decline this or only bring one gift. The host is asking too much.

          1. She’s not required to bring these gifts, it’s a suggestion (and a pretty common one at that). I feel like every shower I’ve been to has requested a book instead of a card.

       2. Are you someone who threw a shower demanding three gifts from every attendee?

          1. Well no, but I think that the person throwing this shower probably has good intentions (and is giving what they think are fun suggestions rather than making some malicious demand of you), even if it is cheesy and uncool. Most people dislike these events but have some sense of guilt over not wanting to comply. Is it worth feeling guilty, though? I think most of us wouldn’t care if someone threw us a shower and the attendees ignored the little cards.

             1. That’s it. You don’t have to do it but most others will and you’ll feel guilty if you don’t. It just send the message that the expectation is that you’ll show up with three things instead of one, even if the money spent is the same. The thought and effort of one gift falls short of their expectations even if you’re being generous. I get that no one has to participate or go at all but I wish the bar was lower for guests to just celebrate and give a single gift.

       3. Apparently the mom-to-be is reading.

    5. I haven’t been asked to do this kind of thing, but this would also annoy me, unless it was a baby shower thrown by someone very young for someone with a lot of need (like if the mom to be was a college student without family wealth and the party was thrown by a fellow college student). I’d give a pass to someone very young who doesn’t know better and is trying to help someone who is really going to need every bit of help they can get.

       1. Op here. I’m venting because this is the norm in my regardless of income level. Every invite comes with two little business card sized pieces of paper with the diaper raffle info and book poem. I know I don’t have to go.

          1. This has become really common in my circle (middle upper middle class in the Chicago area). I’m pretty sure the diaper raffles I’ve seen were pitched as being optional. People put the diapers in a corner and put their card in a jar, so I doubt it would be noticed if you don’t contribute diapers. If you feel obligated, get the book and/or diapers, but give a more modest gift.

             1. And I understand your annoyance!

             2. This is how I’ve handled it. If I also have to get a book and a pack of diapers, then my third gift (because that’s what it is) is going to be more modest. I set a budget per shower for gifts – usually $75-$100 – and everything I have to buy goes into the budget. I don’t budget $75-$100 for the *gift* and then the diapers and book are on top of that; book + diapers + gift = budget amount. And I am a mom, and I had a shower, and I generally like babies and am happy for people when they have a baby (although NGL – not a huge fan of attending baby showers – and I even felt like that about my own). But money is a finite resource and I only have so much of it to devote to these activities.

       2. Yes – diaper showers were frequently done and always appreciated during my days working in retail, when we were all working poor (and WIC/EBT doesn’t cover diapers). I know kids are expensive, but it does seem kinda tonedeaf when mom-to-be and partygoers are higher income.

          1. I’ve been to diaper showers too (grew up a part of the rural poor!) but those don’t also come with the expectation of a book and another gift. It’s pretty gross to me that UMC showers request this (that’s the only circles I’ve seen doing it)

    6. A diaper raffle? I had to google to figure out what that is. Who are these hosts? MLM “business owners”? I’ve never felt more WASPy in my life! If I were wearing pearls, I’d be clutching them.

    7. Re the book instead of a card thing – most nice greeting cards these days cost $6-7, which can easily be more than an inexpensive cute paperback off Amazon, so I don’t know that it’s unreasonable. I agree, just set your budget and participate in the shower accordingly. Just for fun I looked up a bunch of cute options on Amazon for around $3:

       https://www.amazon.com/Wriggly-Wiggly-Caterpillars-Tiger-Tales/dp/1589254694/ref=sr_1_3?crid=342LDBMEGM62T&keywords=cheap+paperback+for+babies&qid=1698337799&sprefix=cheap+paperback+for+babie%2Caps%2C110&sr=8-3

       https://www.amazon.com/First-Words-Wonder-House-Books/dp/9388144929/ref=sr_1_6?crid=342LDBMEGM62T&keywords=cheap+paperback+for+babies&qid=1698337799&sprefix=cheap+paperback+for+babie%2Caps%2C110&sr=8-6

       https://www.amazon.com/Tale-Peter-Rabbit-Beatrix-Potter/dp/0448435217/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2S9JPYZN3VIFV&keywords=under+3+dollars+paperback+for+babies&qid=1698337964&sprefix=under+3+dollars+paperback+for+babies%2Caps%2C81&sr=8-4

       1. I honestly do not know anyone personally who buys anything other than dollar store greeting cards, lol.

          1. Trader Joe’s cards for lyfe

             1. I mostly don’t buy cards. I like gift tags. If I’m mailing something other than a Christmas card, I just use stationery.

    8. The book instead of a card thing only annoys me because my go to gift used to be a basket of more unusual baby books they likely wouldn’t receive anyway, and now they get too many books.

       I love gifting books so I don’t mind the book instead of a card. Pre-kids, I did not participate in the various diaper requests (which was common among my childless friends). Post-kids, I usually keep some diapers that my child outgrown around to package up and gift at baby showers and I think this is what most people do.

    9. That’s definitely too much, greed is auch a bad look.
       I’m going to guess these are first time moms whose vision of how motherhood will go hasn’t been turned upside down by a kid who has other ideas, lol.
       The book thing is rediculous, it just tells everyone they are too cheap to buy books themselves once the kid is old enough to care about books.
       Buy what you feel comfortable buying and leave it at that.

       1. Showers are typically planned by someone other than the parents-to-be. I just assume it’s the machinations of Aunt Linda and move on with my life.

    10. as a person who just had a baby shower, just don’t bring all those things! bring one gift and you’re good to go. we invited people we wanted to celebrate with and didn’t care what they brought and our registry had lots of <$10-15 options. I've been to showers with all the above requests and if I do a book instead of a card, I'll do a lower cost gift off the registry or contribute to a diaper fund.

    11. I’m with you. I’m happy to attend and buy something off the registry but chasing around special requests is annoying. You want baby books and diapers? Register for them. People will buy them for you!

        1. I loathe special gift requests. I comply with no gifts, and registries are great, but found it so annoying when my kids got invited to a birthday party and I was supposed to send them with a book or art supplies or something when I had three perfectly nice Stomp Rockets sitting in the closet.

           1. Stomp Rockets FTW (in situations where kids are involved)

    12. I read both of these as optional, and often for generous relatives more than friends.

        Just bring a gift and a card.

    13. I think the book request is a fun way for the parents to learn about some new unique books. I pick one of my favorite unusual books from childhood and call it a day. The coat is normally comparable to a card, so I don’t mind. I’ve never taken it as a request for baby books. Every shower I’ve been to, it’s mostly children books.

        The diaper think isn’t normal in my circle.

        1. The diaper thing is weird for upper-middle-class moms because most of them are super picky about their diapers and would freak out if they weren’t Seventh Generation or Honest. I sometimes wonder if diaper requests are really a request for “stuff I can return to Target for a gift card.”

           1. I thought Pampers have always been “the good diapers”.

    14. I think it’s more like don’t waste $5 on a card that will just get thrown out and buy a book we will use instead. I’d skip the diapers and spend $30-$50 on a gift plus $10 for a book.

    15. When we did our baby shower last year, we did a diaper raffle, but made clear it was optional. There was just a place by the door to put them and a little bucket with paper to put your name in so no one (including us) really knew who participated in that or not. (The prize was a small gift basket) We got a whole range of sizes and types. It’s actually been really useful to see which brands fit her best and also so we have a pack of the next size up in case of a surprise growth spurt.
        We didn’t request it, but a lot of people brought a book for her anyway. Most are not baby books, just favorites from when they were a kid. It’s nice for us to have more interesting books to read her at bedtime. The board books we read her during the day so she can play with them.

17. Help me shop? Trying not to spend a ton so maybe RTR is the answer. My husband’s ex-admin invited us to her wedding. It’s in December in Texas, so it could be 80, or raining, or both, or freezing, though the latter is unlikely. She’s middle class fancy. Wedding is at 4:30 in a church (not Catholic), reception immediately following but at a separate venue. There’s no dress code indicated but the wording suggests formal. I have an above the knee black dress with gold and silver sequins: it has a v neck and cap sleeves. Is wearing that of the question? What would you wear? I’m short, pear shaped, usually wear a size 6. Thanks for any suggestions.

    1. If it doesn’t say formal or black tie explicitly, then wearing a cocktail dress is the best option. I’d say your proposed dress is fine.

    2. I’d wear that dress you already own. Idk that the weather makes a difference sounds like this is indoors.

    3. seems fine to this northerner but it seems people in the south are Sensitive about wearing black to weddings in some places. If you’re not local to know the culture and it’s not in a major city, consider finding something in navy, emerald green, burgundy, etc.

       1. Yea, it’s changing slightly, but I’m in the South and wouldn’t wear black to a wedding. Now, as a Southerner, I wouldn’t really consider Texas “the South” (it’s really kind of it’s own thing. Florida similarly is not part of the south, except for the Lower Alabama part of Florida), so I would ask a Texan.

       2. Bride and groom live in a major city but wedding is in the country. I also thought that about black but attended a wedding in the city on Memorial Day where 90% of female guests were wearing black. I found it very noticeable/odd. Bride 100% did not care what anyone was wearing at that wedding though. Also lightbulb moment I could wear the same dress as I wore to that wedding (blue and brown floral long sleeve.

       3. (Texan here) I think wearing black would be fine because it’s a December wedding – if it was spring or summer I would advise against.

    4. What about this in the green?
       https://www.nordstrom.com/s/floral-mock-neck-maxi-dress/7564942?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=002

       1. This is gorgeous!

    5. I wouldn’t wear black to a wedding, living in Texas. But it depends on the sequin situation, it may work if it looks really festive, and you can always accessorize it with a colourful shawl or pashmina, which will be super helpful to have if the temperature drops. Otherwise, a similar dress in a different color would work. Macy’s usually has tons of options

18. I’m the commenter who’s trying to take Advil less, and I was doing really good until last week when I got my period. But I figured that was OK because the cramps and headaches were real. But I’m a few days past it now and still getting a major headache. Tried to ignore all morning or hyrdate but I finally caved and took an Advil. Are post-period headaches a thing? Or could that be a rebound headache from taking Advil 2-3x a day during my period?

    1. I missed the original post, but what you’re describing isn’t normal. Any chance your headaches are caused by caffeine? Have you started a headache journal? I hope you’re cutting back on ibuprofen because of the serious damage it can do to kidneys with routine use?

       Btw, I find Aleve dramatically more effective on cramps than anything else. I take two at the first twinge and two again 12 hours later and repeat for ~36 hours until they abate. (More than you’re supposed to, but I figure it’s for such a short time.)

    2. Period headaches at all seem unusual to me… I do take Advil 3x per day for my 2 days of cramps but have never had associated headaches during or after.

       Withdrawal can take awhile – talk to your doctor? I was on a bad mid-afternoon latte habit years ago and decided to give it up for better sleep, and it took like 10 days before I stopped getting a headache when I normally would have had the caffeine.

    3. Menstrual headaches are usually pre-menstrual or early menstrual. Bad cramps can be a sign of pathology (periods aren’t supposed to be super painful despite what they told us when we were young; it can mean endometriosis or another condition).

       Your history with headaches aren’t normal, and I’m worried that it sounds like you’ve been self-treating with OTCs for so long; I hope you will have the opportunity to find and consult a good doctor at some point.

    4. Yes, you are likely rebounding.

       When you say you were taking Advil “2-3x per day” during your period – how many pills were you taking each time?

       Please go talk to a doctor about your issue with Advil. Overuse of OTC painkillers can cause increased pain sensitivity – you hurt more when you hurt, because you’ve been taking so much Advil for so long. It’s not an addiction, per se, but it’s not dissimilar, and you need medical support while you’re trying to withdraw.

       Sorry, we probably failed to make this clear in the last discussion, but – to stop the rebounding, you cannot take **any** Advil any more, for quite awhile, and yes, it will be difficult and you will have pain that is objectively worse than what you experienced before – which is why you need to speak to your doctor. Cold-turkeying/white-knuckling your withdrawal is transparently not going to work for you. Please go see your doctor and explain what’s going on and they can talk to you about alternative pain meds, antidepressants and other things that can help you through this period.

       I wish they had to put this warning on all OTC pill bottles: Just because it’s OTC doesn’t mean it’s safe, or that it’s safe to take a lot of it over a long period of time. OP might not be in this situation if that warning was front-and-center on medications.

    5. Have you talked to your PCP? You need to, and soon. Be honest about advil usage, headaches. Keep a diary. None of this is normal.

    6. OP here – interesting. I have an appointment next week with my gyn, I’ll start the conversation with her. Definitely going to start a headache journal. (Any good suggestions for what to keep track of? Time, place of ache if specific, and what else?)

       On the pain point I actually have a really high pain threshold; discovered that with another injury.

       1. Congrats on taking charge of your health. If you research Headache Triggers you will find helpful articles about the various things that can cause a headache. Note if you are experiencing any of them. I figured out I have migraines that get triggered by smoke.

       2. Include what you’ve been eating and drinking. And hours of and quality of sleep the night before.

       3. Sleep – less than 6 hours and I can bet on a headache
          Food – when you ate and what you ate
          Water – did you drink enough – this is my biggest one to watch
          Exercise – I loved spin but the loud music triggered headaches. My DH has to drink coconut water not plain water after a run or he gets headaches

       4. weather perhaps

19. My second child is extremely drawn to music. I would like to foster this in them, and would also like to choose an instrument to start leaning toward when they’re ready. I know lots of kids are drawn to music, so I’m curious for those of you who grew up musically-inclined: what instruments did you start at a young age or what have you seen others be successful in? What did your parents do to support your love of music and musical growth? All advice welcome. My own experience is limited to piano.

    1. started with piano, moved on to a wind instrument to play in school band and also private groups like quartets organized by the local performing arts org.

    2. Let them pick. One of the best things my elementary school did was to bring in students from middle school who had a few years under their belts who played at an all-school assembly. Those kids played some tunes of their choice and the band director talked a little bit about the instrument.
       My parents gave me free reign to choose what I wanted, which was a great decision.
       We didn’t have money and music was my outlet. My school had a few of my instrument for students to have as long as they were in school/playing the instrument and I had a pretty good horn. My parents did buy me a good instrument once I picked up a 2nd instrument. In high school, I largely depended on the generosity of others, as by then my parent was out of work and we REALLY didn’t have money. My private teacher kept me on at no charge and I had several local college instructors who let me join their ensembles as a high schooler. It was a much better environment than my local high school. Festivals and regional youth orchestras offered scholarships. In general, all I had to do was get myself there and by high school I had plenty of music nerd friends with drivers’ licenses.
       tl;dr – let your kid choose what they want to play.

    3. Played classical and jazz guitar for 12 years (basically all through school from age 7-19, stopped when I went to college/university).
       My 7 yr old son started piano lessons this fall after husband self-taught him for about a year, and is making big strides. I’m learning alongside him now (I’m 41).

       I will say that piano is easier to learn then guitar, because you can play a song even with one hand. Guitars also need to grow with the child, whereas a piano is the same instrument regardless of age. We have an electric piano with key resistance (basically, it simulates the real mechanic of a grand piano, while being fully electric, and can be moved around easily).

       1. Will add that I never learned how to read bass clef since it’s not needed playing the guitar, so that is a big challenge for me.
          Learning piano you would learn reading both trebble and bass clef.

          1. You can learn bass clef if you know treble clef! Just go one note at a time and you’ll get the hang of it.

             1. Trombonist here, commiserating in alto and tenor clef.

             2. C-clef is the work of the devil. Everything that should be a line is a space and vice versa.

    4. For little ones, Music Together classes are really great. The program is founded by music teachers and based on principles of music education.

       I also love having a Toniebox so my infants/toddlers/preschoolers can choose and play their own music whenever they want. You can buy “creative” Tonies and add your own music/audio content, too. (We put our whole Music Together playlist on one, actually, as well as lots of other favorite music).

       1. Music Together classes are fun (I took my daughter to them as a toddler), but I don’t think they teach you anything serious about music. They’re also for kids age 0 to 5 so there’s a good chance OP’s kid has already aged out of them.

    5. Listen to a broad variety of music and take them to as many live performances as you can. Not sure where you are located but check for community events, schools, etc for free or low cost events!

       Take your cues from your child’s interests but piano (or if you can stand it, drums) is usually the best first instrument to start. You learn both clefs for reading music and it doesn’t have other technical difficulties built in that can make it challenging. The beginning stages of learning another instrument like the violin or clarinet can be painful to listen to. Piano gives you a tremendous foundation that makes any subsequent instrument much easier.

    6. Both of my parents were very musical. My mom played piano well and sang and my dad played guitar in a band and sang and wrote songs. So we grew up around music. We all learned piano and took lessons starting when we were young (maybe 5? I can’t really remember.) I moved on to flute, my sister to clarinet, and my brother to trumpet, drums, and eventually guitar. We all played through high school and my brother still plays guitar. The best thing my parents did to foster this was just to encourage us to practice often, made practice fun where we would all play something together, and even though my parents were both teachers and did not have a lot of money, they prioritized getting us the best instruments they could and sending us to music camp, etc.

    7. My husband and I are both musicians – my husband professionally. They grew up around husband’s many guitars and drums and his Fender Rhodes keyboard. Plus my piano that takes up half the living room. They also grew up with music playing all the time.

       My daughter always wanted to learn to play little pieces on the piano, which she would memorize rather than read notes. My son wasn’t interested in the piano but was more interested in the guitar. They both joined school band and orchestra – daughter played violin through the end of high school, son played trumpet, then double bass. They both had lessons off and on.

       Now that they’re in college neither of them play ensemble music, but my daughter still plays her piano tunes and I bought her a Yamaha keyboard with a headphone option for her college apartment. My son has become a really impressive guitarist, mostly self-taught by watching videos. Dad taught him the basics and he took it from there. He plays an acoustic a lot while he’s sitting in front of the computer or TV. He already has an assortment of his own guitars, as guitarists tend to have.

       I think it’s important to just have instruments just around. My piano is always accessible, and we have guitars sitting on stands here and there (actually my Taylor GS Mini gets picked up and noodled on the most.) Lessons when the kids want them and will commit to practicing, but I told them if they never practiced between lessons, I’d stop the lessons, and I had to make good on that with my son.

       Let your kids try a bunch of stuff and see what they like, and be prepared for them to flit around a bit before they settle into something.

    8. My eldest started with piano lessons and singing in the elementary school choir, but moved on to violin in the 5th grade. It was pretty clear after a few months that violin was “her” instrument.

       She’s still playing in high school, and I think it was good (or at least neutral) that she didn’t pick her instrument super early. She’s in two different school orchestras with a few kids who started violin super early (like preschool early) and she’s right there with those kids in terms of chair position / getting solos, etc.

    9. Piano at first grade. I learned to read music young and I was lightyears ahead of peers when it came to late elementary school band and chorus.

       I have a 5 year old and a piano in my house. My daughter is showing interest in some of the apps to learn piano. Many teachers won’t take kids under a certain age, and I don’t blame them, but piano apps are a good interim step. You don’t need a full piano, either. Get a keyboard for relatively cheap on Amazon.

    10. My daughter started asking for piano lessons in kindergarten because she wanted to perform in the school talent show and play on the big piano in the auditorium. She actually started lessons in the beginning of 1st grade. She’s now in 4th and has enjoyed it. She asked for a guitar for Christmas last year and is now doing both instruments. We do have to push her to practice some, but most of the time threatening to cancel lessons is enough to get her to run to practice. IMO she has no serious talent but I hope she sticks with it for a while and that music will be something she enjoys throughout her life. She can read music, and I never learned, so that’s pretty impressive to me.

    11. I have a bachelor’s degree in music performance and still perform as a serious amateur. I would start her in a good early childhood music class that teaches solfège and ear training. Around first grade, she can start piano lessons. Look for a teacher who is fun but serious about learning, not just a nice old lady with low expectations. The teacher should spend some time in each lesson on theory and ear training. Piano will set her up for future instruction in voice or on any other instrument, and piano skills are extremely useful. If there is a good youth choir around it will help with sight-singing, another essential skill for all musicians.

        Around fourth grade is usually the right time to introduce an instrument other than piano. Depending on your child’s personality and the quality of the school music program, she may want to start with just school beginning band/orchestra for the first year and then pick up private lessons the second year. If she wants to sing, voice lessons don’t typically begin until some point in high school. Beware of Broadway-style voice teachers and look for a classical teacher, preferably one who teaches at a college (if you hear the words “bel canto” or are instructed to purchase “24 Italian Songs and Arias” you are on the right track). Regardless of whether she chooses to play an instrument or to sing, look for opportunities outside of school such as youth choirs, youth orchestra programs, district and state honor ensembles, good church youth choirs, and summer programs. Her private teacher and school music teacher should both be pointing out these opportunities. Don’t push her to do any of this; just let her know about the opportunities and support her choices.

        In terms of practice, consistency is more important than total time. At the very beginning even 15 minutes a day can be enough. Her teacher should be teaching her to actually practice rather than just banging straight through pieces over and over.

        Take her to the symphony, college recitals and concerts, the ballet, the opera, and anywhere else where you can hear live music.

    12. I have a musician parent and was restricted to the instruments they chose (violin, clarinet). I did not feel a natural affinity to either and dropped them as soon as I left for college, even though I would have liked to keep music around. I’m now learning the instrument I feel I always should have learned in my 30s. Here’s what I wish they had done differently: allow me to explore a lot of different instruments at first. Attend concerts and shows to see people making music in real life, and also see what the instruments sound like in real life. Allowed me to be terrible for a long time, instead of constantly focusing on continual improvement. Allowing me to explore different genres, not denigrating interest in things like percussion, electric guitar, or electronic music.

20. Covid vax question, please skip if this isn’t for you – but is Moderna or Pfizer supposedly better now? Are you getting yours with your flu shot?

    1. doesn’t matter which, but the latest one is tailored to the current variant. Did the same time as flu. Covid Arm hurt 2 days longer than Flu Arm did.

    2. I haven’t heard anything about Moderna vs. Pfizer specifically for this shot. I think mixing in general is good. I got Moderna originally and then got some Pfizer boosters.
       I didn’t get it combined with flu, but that’s mainly because I had Covid in July so I’m waiting on the Covid booster, but I got my flu shot in September.

    3. I’m planning on getting Novavax.

    4. So long as it is an nRNA (Pfizer or Moderna), you are good. Both are equally safe and equally effective, and both have been re-formulated for this year’s variants.

       Novavax also has been re-formulated for this year’s variants, but it is recommended only for people who will not get an mRNA vaccine because it is not quite as effective (but obviously much, much better than not getting vaccinated).

       1. Oh really? I thought Novavax was supposed to be better. (I’m sticking with Moderna/Pfizer because it’s a known quantity for me – I’ve had multiple shots of both – and I’m not super worried about Covid, but the people I know who are most concerned about Covid all want Novavax).

          1. I think mRNA has a higher antibody peak and better performance in observational studies, but Novavax has historically had the advantage of breadth and lasting through more variants, but it’s hard to predict variants in general.

             Some people want Novavax to avoid side effects (or to try to) or if they had bad flare ups w/previous boosters.

             I don’t really agree that there’s a super clear winner; I feel it’s more about what we’re hoping to get out of it.

    5. I got both together at 34 weeks pregnant 2 weeks ago. I think I got pfizer, but honestly don’t know which I got for covid, but the best shot you can get is the one you can get in your arm the soonest.

       Fwiw, the last two moderna boosters made me very, very sick. This time I definitely had body aches and a low-grade fever (100.5 was peak). But, as with others, it was gone within 24 hours. Also, I was much sicker with the prior boosters – like 104 fever (almost sent to hospital).

    6. I got the Pfizer booster after having all prior Moderna vax. All made me feel equally ill (fever, body aches, headache) for 4 days (still, glad to have them! Covid was worse than vax side effects for me). Got the Pfizer with the flu shot, same arm.

21. How is the quality on the Quince cashmere v-neck sweater? I need to add some workhouses to my wardrobe for the coming New England winter.

    1. Firmly meh. I have and wear mine from last season, but they are thin and pill easily. I would not buy another.

    2. Not good. Don’t waste your money.

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