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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Colorblock Pleated Midi Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Wow. This colorblock pleated dress from Akris Punto is a stunner. I love this combination of colors, and while I’d normally think of the red/orange/yellow color palette as more of a fall look, the airy, pleated skirt looks like it would be beautiful in the spring and summer, too. I would wear this with a navy or a nude-for-me shoe and keep the accessories minimal to let the dress shine on its own.

The dress is $1,290 and available in sizes 2–16. Colorblock Pleated Midi Dress

A couple of more affordable options are from BCBG Max Azria for $334 on sale, and Taylor for $64 (straight sizes) to $69 (plus sizes).

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Workwear sales of note for 9.20.23:

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Has anyone had liposuction in their abdomen that can speak to the experience? I most of my extra weight (about 5-10lb) in my tummy; I always have, I probably always will, but after two babies, it’s worse, and I’m tired of clothes not fitting the way I’d like them to. With narrow hips, this makes it impossible to find pants that fit, and I’m exploring liposuction.

    If you’ve had this done, can you speak to the results, cost, pain/recovery? And if you’ve done something else, please speak to that as well! Thank you!

    • Anon

      I have not, but friends who have did it for exactly this reason – more about reshaping than actual weight loss (all were at healthy weights beforehand, and generally very fit) and they’ve been very very happy with the results.

    • Housecounsel

      I didn’t have it in the abdomen specifically, but I have had lipo on my love handles and saddlebags. Recovery wasn’t bad at all and you can’t see any scars. I was somewhat uncomfortable in the Spanx-like garment I had to wear, but it’s not awful. I am happy with the results, more than ten years later. If the extra weight is really in your belly, I am not sure lipo will give you the result you want. You may need a tummy tuck or a mini-tuck instead.

    • Sunflower

      A tummy tuck is very serious surgery – I have not had it, but my mom did. 2 month recovery and about 1.5-2 weeks fully unable to do anything, whacked out on meds and needing round the clock attention. That said she looks amazing 10+ years later – it is basically a new (svelte) body.

      • Senior Attorney

        Agreed. I’ve had a tummy tuck and the results are amazing (give or take the scar all the way around — I say it’s from a shark bite) but I was out of commission for a month and it is definitely not for the faint of heart!

    • Anon

      I’ve had it done, it turned out well – no serious health effects related to the surgery (but I did have a medication allergy that put me in the hospital for a bit). Depending on how loose the skin is, they may suggest a skin rescission (which is not a tummy tuck but will result in similar scarring) because if you remove a lot of fat and the skin is loose, it could result in a skin overhang. But overall, results are great.
      Note that whatever recovery time they give you, double it, maybe even triple it, and keep some tylenol on hand.

      • Senior Attorney

        That goes for all cosmetic procedures. Always double the recovery time estimate.

    • Anonymous

      I feel like I should start saving now for midsection and face work when my only kiddo, a four year old, hits college. Sadly, it isn’t in the cards right now from a financial perspective.

    • cbara

      I had laser liposuction done a couple of years ago. Basically they give you a topic anesthetic and they do it while you’re awake.. Not for the feint of heart but I didn’t want to have general anesthesia. The recovery was quite painful I must admit. I would recommend having it done on a Friday and taking the whole next week off of work. My abd is slightly lumpy but overall I think it was worth it and am glad I had it done. Maybe it would be less lumpy if I had it done the traditional way but I’m not too worried about it. My clothes fit much better and no one sees the lumps. I believe it cost me about $6K

  2. Anon

    My neck and shoulder hurts. Shoulder is grinding and my wrist and neck hurt. Dr google says it’s probably an impinged shoulder. How can this be treated through tele-med?

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry if this seems very obvious, but wouldn’t the first step be to make a tele-med appointment with your doctor?

    • Anony

      They will likely ‘prescribe’ heat or ice, then Tylenol + Advil, and rest. If you have the option for in-person, an osteopath or chiropractor could help also.

    • LaurenB

      My spouse was just diagnosed as having an impinged shoulder through a telehealth appointment. (He had had shoulder surgery years ago.) The provider directed him through a series of movements, then directed him to get an MRI and made the diagnosis. He then “prescribed” physical therapy in the form of various online videos that he is to watch and copy.

    • Anon

      I have this problem sometimes when I don’t have an ergonomic workspace (which most people don’t during crisis WFH). I found basic shoulder/arm/wrist stretches and changing positions throughout the day to alleviate most of the issues. My shoulders are always worst when I’ve been working on a surface that’s too high, forcing my shoulders to be scrunched up instead of in a natural relaxed position.

  3. Job Woes

    My job is ending soon. As things started closing down, Company A told me they wanted to hire me but had to wait until at least summer due to COVID. I think I might get an offer from Company B today for a job I am not excited about. Can I use that to nudge Company A to give me an early update? I am willing to take a little bit of risk to wait for Company A, but if their plans have changed I need to seriously consider Company B.

    • Anonymous

      No. Company A has already told you they cannot hire you now, don’t have a solid date when they would be able to, and haven’t offered you a job. Company A is not an option for you. Accept B and move on.

    • Monday

      Yes, it’s generally acceptable to let a prospective employer know if you have another offer but are still interested in them. I wouldn’t do it until you have B’s offer in hand, though. You can also ask B when they need to hear back from you, and ask for a bit longer if A says they are still interested in you and working toward an offer.

      • Monday

        Oops, I missed the part where A said they had to wait “until at least summer.” Nevermind. I agree with the others.

      • Anon

        +1 I think there is nothing wrong with at least pinging Company A once you have Company B offer in hand. But just to reframe it, I don’t know what industry you are in….presumably something that is not anti-cyclical or benefits from the current situation, or Company A wouldn’t have used that as a reason not to hire you. But things have dramatically changed since things started shutting down (and many cos./us thought this might be a matter of weeks). Waiting for Company A at this point might be more than a *bit* of a risk now, even if their messaging when you re-ping them doesn’t say that just yet.

    • The original Scarlett

      Take job B. Company A deferring to summer sounds optimistic and like they’re struggling too much to be a safe bet even if they did move you along faster. A recession/depression isn’t the time you hold out for the “dream” job.

      • OP

        Thank you. I purposely didn’t ask which one I should take because I know my risk tolerance is higher than most here and my question is really about whether I can reach out. That said, for some context, Company A is huge and they seem to be doing fine. Company B is tiny and in an industry that historically has not done well during recessions.

        • Anonymous

          Ok have fun then. Of course you can reach out. It just seems unlikely to get the result you want. If you’re fine being unemployed that’s awesome.

        • The original Scarlett

          Well, “a little bit of risk to wait” and “need to seriously consider” didn’t sound to me like you had the option of being highly risk tolerant. In a good economy I’d be cheering on playing A against B, etc., but the question sounded like you’re newer to the workplace and the advice from even a few months ago isn’t necessarily on point anymore. This will be the 4th major downturn I’ve worked through and in those times, I’ve seen better outcomes for people who had a “stay employed” perspective. With the additional info, if A is a big company doing fine, which I question right now, they’ll be around. You can take B now and leave in 6 months, heck 2 or 3, but I wouldn’t turn down a job when yours is ending and A isn’t really scooping you up.

          • The original Scarlett

            What I’m also not expressly saying is that of course you can contact A, but if they come back with anything less than an offer you can accept in the same time that B is on the table, I wouldn’t rely on anything they tell you.

          • anon

            This. I would not turn down a job right now. It is always the case that it’s easier to find a job when you have a job and that’s double-y true in this economy. It’d take B now and if A comes back in a few months, you can always take job A then.

            Also, if A does give you the job now because you pressed and then does layoffs later, you’ll likely be first in line for cuts. And if you’re not, you’ll may be universally hated (I was at a company a few years back that did layoffs a few months after hiring two people who were lovely people but they were very unsuccessful there because everyone resented the fact that they stuck around while their longtime coworkers and friends were fired – they both ended up leaving about a year later because they just could not be effective in their roles with all the resentment towards them).

        • Anonymous

          I work for a large company which has been deemed essential in most areas/countries where we operate. We are laying off people and people are being furloughed but we of course look from the outside like we’re doing well. You can reach out to Company A but agree that summer is optimistic on their part.

    • Anon

      I don’t think it’s a bad thing to ask company A and express your interest, but you shouldn’t wait for an offer from them. Choose B. For all you know A’s plans may get kicked down the road to another year, where you’ll be in the position to apply again.

  4. Johnny Was masks

    I love the Johnny Was masks mentioned here last week. Can someone who actually has them comment on their washability and shrinkage? I am tired of wasting money on masks that shrink in the wash and can’t be used again. TIA!

    • Anonymous

      I ordered them a few weeks ago but they’re backordered and haven’t yet been delivered. I ordered both the cotton and silk ones and will report back once I get them.

    • anon

      Can you share which ones you had shrink on you so we don’t are aware? Did they shrink dramatically? Maybe they can be passed on to some teenagers with smaller heads?

      • OP for this question

        Not someplace anyone is likely to buy: a friend of a friend’s cousin’s company was transitioning its business, i.e. starting to make masks without really knowing what it was doing. I want to be kind to small businesses attempting to keep funds coming in, so I don’t want to name and shame them. I’m chalking it up as a relatively small expense that I can afford to lose, and after the first wash, I’ve started just airing out the other masks for an extended period. I’m not going out much, so they get at least a week of airing out time each. However, when I eventually go back to work I want fancy masks and they’ll get worn much more often. :)

    • Anon

      Masks shrink because the people making them doesn’t pre-wash the fabric. Masks are generally cotton. Cotton needs to be washed for shrinkage and for color fastness before you sew with it. It is a shame to see all these folks investing time into masks without knowing this basic, yet critical, step.

      • Rainbow Hair

        YUP! I wash and dry every piece of fabric that enters my house. Masks that leave my house have been washed at least twice (once before being sewn, once after, but honestly sometimes more than that because I like to take them fresh out of the dryer into plastic baggies for pickup) so any shrinking should’ve already happened.

        • Anonymous

          Are you selling masks anywhere? I’m in the market and would love to support a fellow reader here.

      • anon

        Yes, this. I am a total novice sewist and that was one of the first things I learned in sewing lessons when I was a kid …

    • NY CPA

      I almost bought them (that first floral print was so pretty!!), but then they said they met all the CDC recommendations including “be able to be laundered and machine dried without damage or change to shape” and then their care instructions were “Machine wash in warm water. Air dry” which is obviously contradictory.

      • Monday

        So many items come with care instructions that aren’t really necessary… It could be that they can be machine dried but the company is advising you not to, to prolong the masks’ life or whatever. It would have been helpful if they clarified.

      • AnonMPH

        Is this really contradictory? As long as you are washing fabric in soap and water, it will kill the virus (same way soap kills the virus on your hands when you wash them). While it might give peace of mind, it’s not actually necessary to put things in the dryer.

    • Beaglelover

      I have a set and really, they are not effective. They gap very much on the sides letting air in that way. They are pretty, but that’s about it.

      • Monday

        Letting air IN isn’t really the concern with fabric masks, though. Non-medical masks are to limit your own droplets reaching others, and gaping at the sides and top (which surgical masks have too) is a given.

      • Anonymous

        Masks are not meant to protect you, they’re meant to protect other people from you.

        • Anonymous

          If you can get better-fitted masks that also offer you a bit of protection, why not do that?

    • Anon

      It’s a tough one. If anyone but a President did that, we would prosecute and should prosecute; however, America has a long tradition of not waging war on the previous administrations. One upturning of norms does not deserve another.

      • Anon

        Yeah, I agree this. I think we all (due to the current administration) forget the importance of norms in our government, not just laws. I hate the Trump administration, but if Biden wins, I wouldn’t want to see them try to prosecute half of his administration – it would be upturning so many norms of American Government.

        • PolyD

          So we just let the people responsible for upturning many many norms go unscathed because of fear of overturning one moe norm?

    • Anonymous

      Cool 3+ year old article that imparts zero new information. Does anyone else fantasize about Obama as a gardening partner?

        • Anon

          Absolutely!

          (Have not had coffee yet [west coast] and thought you were talking about public interest loan forgiveness at first and was very confused.)

        • Anon

          Clinton lost me at “I don’t owe that woman an apology”

          Also the silver fox thing really isn’t working on him any more

      • Ellen

        I do fantacize about gardening alot these days of forced lockdown’s, but I cannot fantacize about O’Bama huffeing and puffeing on top of me. I am fairly confident I could get through the experience, but why? There are alot of less famous peeople here in NYC who I would rather have s-x with, and just b/c someone is (or was) President is NOT a reason to fantacize about such person and his huffeing and puffeing. In fact, there is NO president that I could fantacize about that.

  6. Anonymous

    My firm announced their return to work plan and it’s basically if you can work from home feel free to keep doing that however long you want and if you want to come back, once we are permitted to reopen, there are a lot of new social distancing measures. I think it’s absolutely the right move but it’s made me a bit sad. Bringing home for me this morning that my old life isn’t coming back anytime soon and I miss it.

    • anon

      Oh I’d love for my firm to announce exactly this! Isn’t this kind of ideal? Flexibility!

    • Anon

      I feel the same way. I think we probably are really in for a “new normal” that is significantly different from what we were used to, at least in certain areas.

    • Ribena

      We have the same. My team have been encouraged to consider changes our home desk areas need to make them tenable moving forward.

  7. Anon

    Desperately need some advice here. I normally completely agree with the idea that spouses shouldn’t be career coaches and you need to give your partner the space to handle their professional lives the way they want. That’s been my approach for 10 years with my husband. However, DH and I have been in therapy working through some communication issues between us (paused at the moment for covid) and I’m seeing similar patterns emerge with some work issues and don’t know what if anything to do or say.

    DH is very smart and social, gets along with most people, and has had a lot of jobs that he’s excelled at and is incredible at maintaining relationships. But he can also be a bit judgmental and quick to write people off. He usually does technology sales at emerging companies (so not exactly startups but not major corporations) and it seems like tenure just is naturally shorter in this environment. He has had some objectively toxic work situations that I’ve been fully supportive of him moving on from. But it means that over the past 8 years I’ve been at one stable job and he’s been at 6 different companies while we’ve moved twice and had a baby.

    Current situation is this – I’m eight months pregnant and he’s been in his current role for a year. His immediate boss (who he liked) was fired and he’s now reporting directly to a newly hired president (so one level below CEO). He doesn’t like this new person – the guy is too salesy and full of himself, “too corporate,” “uses business school buzzwords and has no idea what he’s talking about,” and is all about self promotion and advancement. I completely agree that the guy sounds annoying and not like someone I’d voluntarily spend time a ton of time with. BUT it’s like my husband is ready to throw in the towel at a highly paying job where he’s the top salesperson at a rapidly growing company in the middle of record unemployment and a global pandemic because he thinks this guy is a tool. My default would be to suck it up and figure out how to make it tolerable – try to manage up, play the corporate game a little, and realize that there’s other stuff going on in your life that makes this not an ideal time to change jobs.

    This is where the therapy part comes into play – it’s like he refuses to engage in making change that would be helpful to him. He’s decided this guy s ucks and now everything is a self fulfilling loop but he doesn’t try to get in front of anything. I’m like if you hate this guy getting involved in meetings because he’s unprepared, how about setting up a 15 min prep call first to make sure he’s up to speed and you get to run your pitch how you want? It’s a million examples like that where the guy is totally annoying/inefficient/ineffective/insert adjective here but there is some logical step you could take to try to make it impact you less. And DH just wants to focus on the fact that the guy s ucks and he shouldn’t have to do this extra stuff to compensate for someone that he views as a blowhard.

    Help!

    • Anonymous

      I think you’re asking about the wrong problem. You can’t fix how your husband deals with work. But you can convey a few messages: that you are 8 months pregnant in a pandemic with massive unemployment and that your family needs for him to keep this job, that his constant complaints are really worrying to you because it doesn’t seem like he is on the same page, and that you’re not available to be constantly listening to complaints when he’s not interested in doing anything to try and fix the problem. And tell him that you’re not willing to move again because he refuses to figure out how to deal with a boss.

      • anon

        All of this. You need to focus on the parts that really matter, not how he ultimately decides to cope with the situation.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yup. He may not listen to your career tips, but he can darned well sit down and listen to the truth of the situation from your point of view.

        That said, if this is how he’s always been, I wouldn’t count on a big change. If throwing away a good job in a pandemic/depression is a dealbreaker for you (and it would be for me), I would have a Plan B involving how you are going to support yourself and your babies.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe you could focus on convincing him that he needs to keep his job based on the job market/your financial needs (& let him figure out how to do that).

    • No-Face

      Is he asking for advice or is he just venting? When I complain about a partner to my spouse, I just want commiseration. I can insult my superiors to my spouse without worrying about firm politics. I am actually doing what I can do minimize the impact at work but I wouldn’t mention that to my spouse. My spouse is a source of emotional and moral support, not my career coach.If hearing it stresses you out, it’s okay to say “just five minutes of ranting about X please.”

      As long as you’re not worried about him quitting without something else lined up, I would let him vent without giving advice. Just my two cents.

      • OP

        It seems like it’s veering away just venting, which is why I’m getting nervous. Maybe it’s that I’m in an industry where there’s very much a track, so I can complain about my boss but there’s literally no way on earth I’d step off the track. Here, it’s unloading on the annoying things, but then also like “if this is what these big (high profile/lucrative/career boosting) pitches are going to be like, then I don’t want to be involved.” That’s the part where it almost feels like testing the waters and I want to just be like omg get over it!

        • anon

          I mean, if he’s questioning the track and whether it might no longer be worth it to yield to certain requirements of the track, because he is no longer interested in reaching the destination, then that is potentially a big deal. Once you are no longer interested in the destination, it gets very hard to be engaged and productive in the track, and when I was in that situation, it took a real toll on my mental wellbeing. He of course is picking a terrible time for a career switch. But coming to the realization, researching options and setting himself up for a switch could be a long process.

          • Op

            Sorry that wasn’t clear – I mean I’m very much on a track so I think it’s easier for my venting to be truly seen as just venting. I’m on a track that I’ve worked hard on and the destination is clear – a little frustration isn’t changing any major plans. He’s changed jobs so frequently (sometimes in response to similar issues) that “ugh I hate dealing with this” is much more closely intertwined with the possibility of leaving. In a normal environment he’s never had a problem finding a job, which maybe hasn’t ever forced him to learn how to deal with a less than favorable work circumstance. But this isn’t a normal environment and given the new baby soon, I just feel like it isn’t the time to be jumping to the devil you don’t know. He’s their top salesperson, has a year of credibility built up, is due some paternity leave, is well paid and with flexible hours. It’s just grow up and deal w it for at least 6 months. Find some ways to mitigate the frustrations and implement those strategies.

    • The original Scarlett

      The one part of this I’d seriously question is the threshold perspective of “not my spouse’s career coach” – depending on what you both do, it can be invaluable to get and give advice about careers. That said, I agree that sometimes you just need to complain that your boss is irritating AF. I’d separate that from a “should I stay or go” conversation.

      • anon

        +1. Spouse and I are in fairly similar fields at fairly similar stages, and give each other advice all the time, and share tips for managing up, productivity, networking etc.

    • Anon

      Giving helpful tips when he talks to you about work is not “managing your partner”, it’s having a conversation with your spouse.
      What you absolutely NEED to do is let him know that he in know way can quit over a “personality difference” right now, that the world is just not stable enough and you need to save your money and maintain the good positions you have now. It is completely irresponsible right now to for him to be acting like this. No offense, he sounds like a child. The boss sounds annoying but not actively sabotaging him and quite frankly not an uncommon personality type at the top of lots of industries.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like maybe you’re a fixer and DH is a venter? Maybe he recognizes that the economy is terrible and he needs to keep this job, which makes the situation all the more frustrating because he’s stuck – he doesn’t even have the illusion that he can find another job if things continue to be bad. Maybe he’s not looking for advice, just commiseration and support. And maybe he’s actually doing the things you suggest, he’s just not communicating that because in the moment he’s in Vent Mode not Fix It Mode.

      Look, you’re coming from a place of (understandable) anxiety, and that’s making you extrapolate things that probably aren’t there. DH complaining about boss does not equal DH walking off the job in the middle of a pandemic with a baby on the way. I totally understand your concern and you should absolutely ask DH for some reassurance. But leave the extrapolation aside, because if that seeps in, he’s going to hear – I don’t trust you to make good decisions for our family – and that’s a super counterproductive message to send.

      • Anonanonanon

        I would have a conversation with him re: first paragraph. Something along the lines of “Hey, I can tell you’re really frustrated with your new boss and I wanted to talk about something. Are you just venting, or are you seriously considering leaving this job? I’m 8 months pregnant and I’m really worried that you’re contemplating leaving this job, which I don’t think is a great move during a pandemic, and it’s been really stressing me out so I wanted to talk to you about it. If you’re just venting, that’s fine, I hope you know you can continue to do so, but I wanted to see where your head was right now”

    • Anonymous

      Six different companies in 8 years plus a baby and now a pregnancy doesn’t sound like someone who is just venting — it sounds like someone who is used to taking action in a particular way, as you laid out pretty clearly, OP. One thing I’ve noticed in the current situation is that a lot of people — people I respect, people who are thoughtful, people who normally have good judgment — are struggling with shifting strategies that have been successful in the past because they just don’t recognize (or aren’t really internalizing) that this situation is totally different and the normal rules won’t apply. The industry norms in the career he’s in now (safe to move on, no risk to upward trajectory, no fears of looking like a job hopper, etc.) are probably not going to be the norms in the next couple of years. In addition, once kids are in school, moving them around frequently becomes more of a consideration. He was going to have to reconsider his strategy of “just move on” anyway, if he is truly considering “team family.” So perhaps approaching it from that point of view first might be helpful. But I agree with many of the posters — this pretty selfish behavior if he won’t step back and consider changed global and familial circumstances. I’d say his risk assessment skills need some refinement.

    • Anonymous

      6 jobs in 8 years, some of the changes for similar reasons. . . this means he deals with situations and people that he finds difficult by changing the circumstance, not by changing himself.

      He’s about to hit a perfect storm of circumstances where this pattern may no longer work. He’ll be a dad, in a recession. Also, he’s 10 years into his career, and at some point will no longer be the hot-shot young salesman. More will be expected of him on every front.

      This is going to be distressing for someone who deals with discomfort by critiquing others and changing jobs. Back to therapy he goes, even teletherapy. Doesn’t mean he needs to stay in this job, but distress is headed his way from some angle (work or home), and you need him to have someone saying stuff to him that he won’t be able to hear from you.

    • anonforthis

      I can’t say I have great advice, but commiseration. I’m convinced my husband is not well-suited to a corporate job, and I have told him this and that he should look at other options, including leaving his corporate function behind and pursing something he likes (he used to be a professional athlete, so he could and we could afford to have him do something related to that). But he doesn’t try to make any changes, keeps taking the same type of jobs he hates, and complains. He complains about the roles, the work, his direct manager, the rest of the C-suite, his office, etc. He complains that there are no jobs he wants in our city (LA). But when I ask him what he wants to do, he has no answer. When I ask him where he wants to move, no answer. I am concerned he is going to quit his job in the middle of Covid out of frustration – he does not seem to be thankful at all that he still has a job and that he can work from home effectively.

  8. Belle Boyd

    So, I did a thing y’all…. I accepted another job. I’ve been looking off and on since last summer. My car accident derailed things majorly — was set to be fingerprinted for a position with a school district the morning after my accident. That was a no-go. Couldn’t apply for anything while I was on leave for my accident because I couldn’t drive (and dressing professionally with one hand and a badly sprained foot was a big problem, too.) Interviewed for two jobs earlier this year and both of them would have created issues with my rehab schedule. Neither job came through (not because of therapy.)

    Last Tuesday, out of the blue, I got an email from a recruiter about a job in my area. That was a surprise because most recruiters drop off the face of the earth when I tell them the area in which I’m interested in working. They set up a phone interview for Wednesday evening, an in-person interview on Saturday morning, and I had an offer in my inbox by the time I got home. I couldn’t pass it up — a 22% pay raise, company paid benefits, a lot of other perks and flexibility I don’t have with my current job. I just couldn’t pass it up. And after a weekend full of anxiety even though I knew I was doing the right thing, I gave my notice today.

    Greener pastures are out there.

  9. Vicky Austin

    I just dropped my sunglasses on the floor and promptly rolled my chair over them. Sigh. What sunglasses do you all like?

    • Veronica Mars

      Maui Jim from Costco, very worth the $90-$100. The other option I used for the beach are Suncloud polarized sunglasses from Amazon. I always go with polarized. So much better for your eyes.

    • Anon

      They aren’t fancy, but BR Aviators (I believe called Arya currently on their sit) have been my go-to for years. Depends on your face, aviators just really suit mine.

    • Goodr

      Goodr! Cheap and great. Weirdly good for being active? Really stay on your face.

      • Anon

        These ARE great. They have some special coating to keep them from sliding down your face when you sweat.

        • Goodr poster

          You’re welcome! Enjoy! I’ve become converted and converted many others. Couldn’t type my reply here fast enough :)

      • Anonymous

        Another vote for Goodr. They are fun and stay on your face. They aren’t Target cheap, but at $25 they don’t feel fragile to me.

      • Pure Imagination

        Ah, these look great but they don’t do prescription lenses. Bummer. I’ll keep an eye out in case that changes in the future.

    • Abby

      I buy cheap ones from Francesca’s actually for when I’m active in the summer/drinking so if they break I don’t care. I had a pair of Tory Burch fold up ones from DH that I lovedddd and I fell while stand up paddle boarding in Cancun, forgot they were on my head, and they disappeared forever. I’m waiting til I mature a little more before I invest in nice sunglasses again (half joking)

      • Lyssa

        I’m firmly of the belief that sunglasses should cost no more than $20 for that reason. They are simply too useful in circumstances that they could so easily get lost/broken/stolen, and I just don’t want to worry about them.

        Now, if I could just find cheap ones that aren’t ginormous on my tiny face. . .

    • Jules

      I get mine from zeroUV dot com; I usually get knockoff Wayfarers, in the polarized version, but there are lots of other styles. They are of good quality and very reasonable, as little as $11 or $12, IIRC (look for online coupons). I thought I was responsible and mature enough for real Ray-Bans (and had a fantastic pair of Wayfarers in tortoise-shell with flecks of green), but I left them on a ticket counter when distracted dealing with a big airline snafu and they were gone when I went back 15 minutes later. Cheap sunglasses forever.

    • Anon

      I love LeSpecs – I get them at Nordstrom. They tend to be trendy yet substantial, and at $50, they hold up enough for that price, but they’re not $300 so if I lose a pair every year, it’s not a huge deal.

    • Small Law Partner

      Rayban. One pair of aviators, and one pair of wayfarers, and I am good to go! Protip-Rayban junior is cheaper and fits adults with smaller faces.

      • Anonnny

        Yes yes yes! After owning polarized RayBans and wearing them almost daily for like 4 years, I was sick of looking at them and ready for something new. I upgraded to polarized Maui Jim this time around and was not disappointed! I do lots of summer driving and boating, so the polarization is essential for me for reducing glare. The only thing I’m not totally thrilled with was that wearing them in the ocean (on Maui, ironically), I got hit with a rogue wave with lots of sand. Some of the sand made its way inside the gap between the clear frame and lens. A year later it’s nearly all out. Not a dealbreaker but I find the quality of the lenses that much better.

  10. Anon

    Shopping help:
    I’m on the hunt for a flattering, quality, white fitted tank top (fitted enough to wear as a layer under a fitted knit long sleeve) that is not see through (and ideally racerback cut, but I’m open to other suggestions).
    Open to suggestions for similar, even if it doesn’t come in white.
    Thank you!

  11. Anon

    For all of you wise ladies who’ve dealt with this before – how do you deal with a very traditional soon-to-be mother-in-law? I’ve been dating my significant other for almost a year and a half now, and a proposal is imminent (I know, because we picked out the ring together and I watched him click order – benefits of being stuck in a studio apartment together right now, I suppose…). For a variety of reasons, some COVID, some not (namely: he’s a surgical resident with limited ability to travel and very limited free time), I hadn’t yet met his mother. On Sunday, we did a zoom with her for Mother’s Day and she is definitely a traditional one – she made multiple comments about me becoming a “Doctor’s Wife” and asked whether I was going to keep working after we got married. Uh, yes, this isn’t 1950. They’re not particularly close, but they have a good relationship.
    I know he doesn’t share these views at all, and we’re very much on the same page, but any tips for navigating this? They’re not close, but they have a good relationship, and I want to make sure we have as positive of a relationship as we can given how different we are.

    • Anonymous

      Just be polite. It sounds like you aren’t going to have tons of interaction with her. So you don’t need to agree with her just figure out how to be pleasant and also do your own thing.

    • Cb

      I feel like if you have been together this length of time and haven’t met her, she’s honestly not going to be that involved. You just have to let the comments roll off your back, and make sure you and your partner are on the same page, especially if you start thinking about kids. I still get comments from my MIL about ‘having to work’ and how sad I must be to be away from my son and I just ignore them. My husband is incredibly supportive and very much an equal partner, but his mom only worked part-time and he never went to daycare. In his head, nurseries were like Russian orphanages, so I asked some friends to let him tag along for pick-ups so he could see what a fantastic, enriching environment nurseries are. Honestly, my son’s nursery is like an eco-resort, he’s better off there than our small flat.

    • Anon

      Be civil, and expect the same thing of her, but don’t try to force a close relationship. Do your best to ignore the old-fashioned comments. The good news is she doesn’t sound overbearing if she hasn’t insisted on meeting you before this. If/when you have kids and she becomes much more interested in seeing you because of the kids (this is common with grandparents) it’s ok to let your husband take the kids alone to visit her – the important thing is that you not block her access to your husband (or the kids if applicable), not that you spend tons of time hanging out with her yourself.

      • Cb

        Yes, really good advice. I find my in-laws a bit overwhelming so make an effort to spend an evening of quality time with them when they are visiting and then work late or go to yoga the rest of the time. My son only wants me if I’m there, so I’ve explained it saying it means that he can focus on them.

      • Anon

        This is really helpful and exactly the kind of advice I was looking for – thank you! He has a very “I love her, but…” kind of relationship with her. They just don’t have a lot in common, but I do expect her to want to see him more once his residency is complete and once kids are in the picture.

    • anne-on

      Oof. First, I’d make very sure your husband to be 100% has your back. Then, I’d employ the non-commital remark and re-direct. So – ‘Oh Jane Doe, aren’t you excited to stop working and be a Doctor’s wife?’ ‘I plan to keep working after we’re married. John was mentioning the other day how much he loves your casserole – would you mind sharing the recipe with me?’ Are there areas you DO have in common? Reading? Cooking? Gardening? Movies? Find those and try to chat with her about them?
      And pre-marital therapy is a great place to address this as well as other ‘family of choice vs. family of origin’ issues (which, hoo boy will planning a wedding bring up!!) – how to ensure you are both standing up for your new family and each other, even if it means stepping back from or standing up to hurtful things one or the other’s family may say. Good luck!

      • Monday

        I’d strongly second the advice to make sure your husband has your back. In my experience, men who had SAHMs can think they are progressive and egalitarian, but when it comes down to it, they may still subconsciously expect their wives to do most or all of the housework, put their careers second, and so forth. It’s the model they grew up in and seems natural/default to them.

        • Anon

          +1 This and they can fall into the trap of considering themselves “progressive” because they’ve moved past some of the ideas they grew up with (like that women have to do all the cooking or should never work), but are still a long shot from actually egalitarian (e.g. they still expect you to know everything about child rearing or be willing to take career hits to support their job and provide child/elder care).

    • Anon

      You think you’re on the same page now but I think it’s worth a conversation explicitly referencing your MILs comments and how your situations will change down the road.

      He’s a surgical resident and probably not making much money and you don’t have kids, so for now her comments are moot. Don’t borrow trouble and all that, but I think it’s worth the conversation- “hey, your mom made some comments yesterday that seem like her view of how your life should be are very different than what I thought we were planning. I have no problem letting comments roll off my back (my parents have some crazy opinions too!) as long as I know that we’re both very much on the same page.” How did he react to her comments? Was he all like mommmm come on? To me he should have shown kind of like omg mom of course she’s going to continue working, she loves her job, or whatever.

      I will just say that I had some friends with husbands who were very happy to have them working jobs in finance while they were getting their medical training, but then once they were specialists making their own money, their views became much more traditional. This was especially true if they had very traditional moms whispering in their ears and hadn’t shown any inclination before of standing up to them.

      • Anonymous

        Absolutely agree. You need to talk to your fiancé about his mom’s comments- with specificity. 99% of MIL problems (including my own, btw) are husband problems. If you and your fiancé are truly in the same page and he will have your back, you won’t have a MIL problem.

    • Anon

      My husband is not a doctor but a similar “X’s wife” profession. To any of those comments I would just laugh and say “Nah but I’m ready for him to be a lawyer’s husband!” before changing the subject. When I got pregnant and received similar staying at home comments, I’d always respond “We’re still discussing whether he should stay home or not, we’ll keep you posted on our discussion.” Basically just flip it all back at them in a casual way. Our very traditional family very quickly got the point that we were not the traditional couple and those types of comments weren’t applicable to us.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yeah, just let it bounce off. No need to go to war over it, I don’t think.

      • Anon

        My husband has a more prestigious job, but it pays a lot less than mine, and if we moved to a big city, it would pay like a quarter of what mine pays. My response to the people stuck in 1950 is: “We talked about having a stay-at-home parent, but John loves his job and we don’t want to move to DC where I could earn double what make now. But do you think that’s a mistake?”

        • Anon

          Ha! That’s actually what I found really funny about it – even when he’s done with residency, I’ll still make more than him, though in a similarly less prestigious job.

        • Anonymous

          In the same vein, if he is really on the same page, this is a bit tacky but also strategic: have him casually mention what you make and what it pays for. Drives home the point that your work is not just household ‘fun money’. Obviously money is not the entire point of work, but it really frames the discussion in some people’s minds.

    • anon

      I think I scared my in-laws with some of my modern views when we first got to know each other, so we are mostly polite with each other when we’re all together. When DH goes to visit them alone, they bring out their political views, conspiracy theories, pressure him to have children or talk about how all their sons married manipulative women. We live very far away, and we visit them once a year, and I spend two days max with them. I bite my tongue for these two days.

    • kk

      I have a mother in law like this. We’ve been married for several years, and she still comments on how “modern” it is that my husband wrote some of the thank you notes for our wedding gifts. I mentioned that I can’t play in the ladies golf league at the country club (they play at 9am on weekdays, thats another discussion) and her reasonable suggestion was that I quit my job, that there would be value in socializing with the other wives.
      Honestly, I’m never going to convince this woman. If I argue back, it’s going to cause bigger problems in the long run. My advice for you is to say “mmhmm that’s quite an idea” and change the subject with her. You might also be wary of complaining about her to your partner- this is a conversation for therapy or anonymous forums on the internet- not your partner, not your own mother.

      • anon

        Agree with this. My mother in law is not this extreme but definitely very traditional. We don’t argue with her, it’s a lot of “hmm, interesting” “we’ll have to think about that” or other deflecting. She never suggested that I quit my job or anything but definitely is confused that I have the “bigger” job and that my husband does more of the childcare. When our first was born, there were a lot of comments about “oh, my husband never went to a doctor appointment” or asking me “oh, how was baby’s checkup”, we just kept things very matter of fact “oh, well it’s very exciting that DH can see baby on the ultrasound” and “you’ll have to ask DH, he took the baby to the pediatrician”. It took a lot of years but I think she now gets (sorta) that our relationship and family life is different than hers was and that it’s ok. It used to bother me a lot, but looking back I can see that I viewed as passive aggressive comments were really her just either expressing confusion or wanting to help/offer her advice. People like to feel useful and our situation was so wildly different than anything she had every experienced that she just honestly thought she was being helpful or offering the advice that she wished someone had given her (which, was not at all helpful to me). Viewing things in that lens really helped me.

      • Anonanonanon

        “hmmm, I’ll look into that” is one I use a lot “oh, hmm, I’ll have to check that out!” “oh, that’s interesting!”

    • Pure Imagination

      I wouldn’t assume this is going to be an issue. It doesn’t sound like she’s in any way overbearing or trying to control you – she’s just speaking from what she knows. I’d find common ground and form a bond from there if possible. I’m sure she has hobbies or interests you could talk about together and it’s not going to be that hard to respond “no, I’m keeping my job – I love it” occasionally.

    • Anon

      Just keep on doing your thing and be nice to her. It may be a show of pride for her to make comments like that and she isn’t really thinking much about it.

    • Housecounsel

      Oh, wow, can I relate. My MIL actually told relatives she was embarrassed that I worked, because it was like telling the world I didn’t trust her son to provide for our children and me. Whatever! She also nagged me about staying home when my first baby was born. What finally set things right was when my husband spoke up and shut her down loudly and publicly, praising my intellect and abilities and supporting my right and desire to work. She never said a word to my face again. IF this becomes an issue with you MIL to be, I’d tell your husband he needs to have your back very vocally.

    • AnonATL

      My MIL stayed home when her kids were young, and then worked when they were older. She also had a job she could easily pick back up after 10 years (nursing type field, stay certified and there are always jobs). She is the type to have a damn opinion about everything and is not afraid to share it with you. I’ve gotten used to just deflecting her opinions and moving the topic along to something else. She does it to my husband too, so it’s just how she communicates. He just ignores her most of the time.
      Our first is due this summer, and I am pretty anxious about all her thoughts on our kid. She will definitely be the one to tell me I’m doing x wrong, and that will be the sleep deprived point I actually tell her to go fly a kite.
      I will say she has been supportive of my career thus far, but who knows when kid(s) come into the picture. I love my work, and I’m not ditching it to stay home (no offense to SAHMs, y’all rock too).
      I will agree with someone above who said that if you are just now meeting her, she probably isn’t a huge presence in his life. Still she will be around for big events, and you will have to figure out how to handle her. Civil deflection is probably the easiest route, unless she really ticks you off about something.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re planning to have kids, I’d say make sure you and your partner on the same page before telling anybody about it. When we told my MIL I was pregnant, she suddenly had a LOT of ideas about what our life would look like. I outearn my husband 3X and am 9 years deep in BigLaw, and she was shocked to find out I wasn’t interested in quitting my job and homeschooling our future kids?! Particularly weird because she was a divorced working mom with full time custody, and my husband and his brother attended public school throughout their educations. It was a strange disconnect.

      • Anonymous

        By the way, the first thing out of my mouth was “if one of us will be quitting to take care of the baby, it would have to be him.” And my husband laughed and heartily co-signed.

    • Anon

      Ditto the others about just being polite and letting comments roll off. I definitely made mountains out of molehills when I was newly engaged because I was trying to navigate the new relationship with my MIL and she was with me. And just a thought – does your MIL have any daughters? Mine did not, so she was worried about saying the wrong thing / being the wrong kind of mom since she had only raised boys. Assume good intentions until proven otherwise.

    • Anon

      A lot of good comments so far. One area that seems overlooked is that it’s his job to hold the line with his family and friends, and your job to hold the line with your family and friends. Obviously, it’s not productive to have this done with stray weird comments, but if it gets to be a problem, it’s your job to be polite, and his job to tell his mom to knock it off.

    • Anon

      When people make these comments I’m always quick to say something like “you know he is lucky he’s going to become a (my profession) husband, and enjoy me being the breadwinner” but I basically have zero tolerance for s*xism.

    • Anon

      I would try to avoid this topic and have your husband deal with it. He needs to stick up for you and have your back. I always think that if it comes from her son, she won’t be as likely to hold a grudge against you. She will quickly hate her daughter in law but never her son.

    • Seventh Sister

      I’m so sorry, that sounds obnoxious. My mother-in-law tends to say exactly what’s on her mind exactly as she thinks of it, without wondering whether or not somebody else might find her question impolite or off-putting. Pretty much the first thing she asked me the second we got engaged was, “who’s going to pay for this HUGE wedding you plan to have?” We both had high-paying jobs at the time, hadn’t asked them for anything, hadn’t even really made any wedding plans other than getting married in our church…it was unbelievable and her behavior didn’t really improve over time.

      Be polite, stick to your guns, and make your spouse handle scheduling holidays, buy birthday presents, etc. I get along better with her now than I used to, but I really don’t care if she likes me and I’m happy to be the heartless career bitch who has unreasonable expectations about everything and is raising her grandkids wrong.

      • anon

        So much to your last sentence, signed a fellow heartless career bitch who is definitely raising her MIL’s grandkids wrong

      • Seventh Sister

        Yay for us heartless career bitches! Not that she would be happy if I quit my job, or that I would please her if I stayed at home, but she really thinks I’m way more ambitious than I am because I “let” my husband pick up the kids from school.

  12. Leatty

    Does anyone want to help me pick out paint colors for the interior of my house?

    We currently have a lot of greens and blues (mostly gray-toned), and a lot of the colors I pained our house several years ago are darker hues. We will be remodeling our house soon, and I’d like to use some lighter paint colors since we have dark wood floors, dark wood cabinets, and mostly dark wood furniture. Our ceilings aren’t bright white and instead have a slight beige tint to them (SW natural choice), but I’m not a huge fan of beige.

    Any and all suggestions would be much appreciated!

    • Cb

      I’d look at Farrow and Ball for some fun, interesting colours. And then have someone match it as F&B is stupid expensive.

      • anne-on

        +1 – Farrow and Ball has a limited pallet of beautiful, classic colors, and they put together ‘color stories’ by under tone which is really helpful.
        They are expensive, but they’re the only brand I can use if we’re painting while in the house – even low-VOC brands give me terrible headaches. Farrow and Ball truly doesn’t ‘off-gas’, it smells mildly of slightly sour milk or yogurt, but that’s it.

      • The original Scarlett

        Yep, there’s a designer on Pinterest who actually matched the whole farrow and ball catalogue to Benjamin Moore, and it’s the only thing I use now. Let me see if I can find the pin…

        • The original Scarlett

          Oh Remodelista also has a ton of round ups on great lighter paint colors

        • Anon

          I think those are mostly by people looking to get clicks and they have not compared them in person. You can actually go to the counter at Sherwin Williams or a store that sells Benjamin Moore and ask for a match of F&B oval room blue or whatever color you want. The exact matches are already in their computer systems.

          • The original Scarlett

            Probably true, I was suspicious too, but for this particular one, I also got the farrow and ball chips and Benjamin Moore samples and it matched pretty darn exactly. Now I didn’t test every color, but I did for the rooms I painted and it was spot on

      • anon

        This is exactly what we did! Almost all farrow and ball colors matched because it gave me a good limited palette to choose from. Thought I was the only one!

    • Anon

      When I had a leisurely afternoon, I would go flip through design magazines at a local bookstore until I find a couple page spread that has similar “bones” to my house (similar floor, cabinets, furniture) with wall/ accent colors I like. Then I buy that magazine and take it to the hardware store and match it to paint swatches.

      In quarantine, I’d probably look online at catalogs like Crate and Barrel or Pottery Barn and do something similar to find colors I like. The Pottery Barn catalog always has a page with coordinating paint colors and their names at Sherwin Williams. If you don’t like that brand, you could always search to find the equivalent color in your preferred brand.

  13. Mad Woman

    Arguable alerts: Suicide triggers? (Non) spoilers?

    My husband and I started watching Mad Men during quarantine. (This has been pretty much our only joy sparker in this trying time — NYC apartment, big jobs, little kids.) I came in with the knowledge (gleaned from something I read online at some point in history, and which I kept to myself) that the main character committed suicide in the last episode, and I had been watching the entire show in anticipation of that, looking for foreshadowing and motivations and triggers etc. We jointly thought there were 16 episodes in the final season, and after we watched episode 13 last night, despite the late hour, we decided to watch episode 14, figuring we could then finish the show on Monday night.

    Friends, the finale was episode 14, and it emphatically does not end in suicide. I think it is an amazing finale, maybe the best I’ve seen — so cynical but also uplifting, so fundamentally American. (I mean, Sopranos was great too but different, and The Wire was perfectly heartbreaking.) But we were soooooooo confused, both because we thought there were two more episodes left and couldn’t figure out what more could possibly happen, and because I was trying to figure out how to infer suicide from the final scene. Ultimately I did some googling and read Emily Nussbaum’s excellent post about the finale, and now I understand that I was, um, misinformed.

    • Anonymous

      This sort of sounds like me when I was watching the premiere of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. My hsuband suggested that we watch it as “our new show.” He had heard good things and thought we would both like it. I had it in my head that the show was about a woman in the 60s… her husband is an ad exec and then gets brutally murdered. She then has to make a living to support herself and her children, and she does this by taking the advertising world by storm (so like a female empowerment version of Mad Men, but where everyone has at least as good of style as Joan from Mad Men). So, I was so very confused while watching the first episode about the focus on stand up comedy and lack of murdering of the husband. The first episode ends, my husband turns to me and says, “What did you think?” I said back, “When does she go into advertising?” Needless to say, my husband was quite confused. We haven’t watched another episode yet.

      • Cb

        Haha! My SIL booked festival tickets and I thought we were going to a comedy show but in fact we were at an illusionist. I turned to my husband and whispered ‘When is he going to start telling jokes?’

        • Anonymous

          I still have no idea where I got my synopsis from. Additionally, with the focus on her constantly making brisket in the premiere, while watching I thought maybe she was the mastermind behind the “Beef: It’s What’s for Dinner” campaign. In my head it all added up.

    • Anonanonanon

      I remember all the speculation on this! Something to do with the intro where the man falls from a building. It was fun watching live. For a while people were also convinced Megan would be a Manson victim based on a t-shirt she wore in one episode. I hope you enjoyed, Mad Men might be my favorite show of all time.

      • Anonymous

        That speculation was fun! I remember thinking that the show was trolling the viewers because toward the end Don leans against a skyscraper window, flat-out pushes on it. (And I was waiting for him to fall, and from discussions with friends I wasn’t the only one.)

        Heh. I do love the ending it got. One of the best finales ever.

      • Cat

        +1 — there are so so many quotable lines. I wish I could watch it all again for the first time…

      • AnonATL

        I really liked Mad Men, but was pretty disappointed with Betty’s arc up until the very end. The first couple of seasons, she was a super interesting character, and then she just fell flat. I’m sure it was a combination of trying to develop other characters and January Jones real life maternity leave where she was written off for a bit. I could have done without the entire Fat-Betty section.

      • Anon

        I thought it was a really well done show, but it reminds me of when it was on …

        one of my close colleagues, a guy of course, and younger than me, would not stop talking about what a great show it was and how it was set in an era when things were “great” and “the way they should be.”

        So I finally started watching and told him that I thought one of the main themes was how much it sucked to be a woman in that era, and hand to god, he had not once picked up on that.

        • Monday

          Really? I always felt like the misogyny and objectification really drove men’s love of Mad Men. They could seem smart and edgy while glorifying abject patriarchy. I think many would love to return to a working world where you sat around drinking and smoking with the guys, the women were all secretaries, and there was no such thing as s3xual harassment.

    • Mal

      My favorite thing to do when I watched Mad Men was to read Tom & Lorenzo’s recaps and costume analysis after each episode – really great extra content!

  14. bored

    I’ve decided to get a quarantine hobby. I’m usually very restless – therefore no in-home hobbies – and also not very artistic. I do like to cook, and I’ve been doing that more and reading up about that etc

    1) I know how to sew basic things – fix a seam, sew a button etc. How hard would it be to start learning crosstich or embroidery? Any recommendations?

    2) Similar question but for drawing. I can’t draw to save my life, but that’s not the point here. Any recommendations for an online (like edx, coursera) drawing class or book?

    • Anonymous

      Cross Stitch is super easy. Start with a basic counter cross stitch kit to see if you like it and then run with it.

    • Pure Imagination

      Most of my hobbies are active as well, but I’ve enjoyed knitting as an indoor hobby. I picked it up during quarantine and it’s going well. I have a relative who loves embroidery, but she recommends cross stitch for beginners. YouTube videos are your friend for learning.

    • Anonymous

      1. Children have learned this skill for centuries. It’s easy to pick up. It’s a craft that you can master over years, just like singing or cooking or writing, but anyone get a start with it.

      2. The book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain was really fun for me to work through, as a non-drawer. I’m sure there are all kinds of online art classes as well.

    • anon

      Subversive cross stitch is a great way to start. I’ve stitched two designs as house warming/baby gifts and they were very well received and easy to do.

    • anon a mouse

      For drawing, there are a ton of videos on youtube! Google “how to draw a …..” and fill in the blank. Ice cream cone, rabbit, house, person, etc. See what you like and where you want to improve and that can inform your next steps.

      • bored

        Hmm needlepoint might be actually what I meant. I did some needlepoint / cross stitch / seeing pretty things into fabric when I was a kid, but haven’t since

      • Anon

        +1 for needlepoint. I just bought my college aged daughter a couple of kits and she loves it. It’s very satisfying filing the whole plane with color.

        When you google for this be aware that lots of cross stitch is listed as needlepoint. The difference is that with cross stitch you usually only fill in certain areas with stitches and mostly see the background fabric. With needlepoint the fabric is mesh and is completely covered when the project is finished.

        • Anon

          Not the OP but thanks for this definition. Definitely didn’t know the difference :)

          And OP, I’ve picked up little cross stitch projects here and there. They’re a fun way to pass the time. Check Etsy for complete kits.

    • XStitcher

      Cross stitch is great and easy to pick up. I wouldn’t normally say that kits are the best (etsy has super easy patterns), but supplies are very hard to get right now if you have to order the fabric and floss separately. So, try to find a small kit to start. Many kits are more complicated than they look, so start small.

    • Anon

      Oooh following! My hobbies are all active, outdoors, out of the home, or involving other people. I know that what I call “yarn crafts” are not for me, but am still looking for something that I can do while stuck at home.

      I’ve tried painting (I’m horribly unartistic), it’s been fun but I do think I’d like to have some way to learn more so I can improve.

      • anon

        Haha, “yarn crafts” are not in my wheelhouse, either. My hobbies are all active and outdoorsy, with the exception of reading and baking. It becomes a real problem during the winter months. (As much as I enjoy reading, sometimes my brain is just done and I want to do something else.)

        How about watercolor painting? I feel like it’s more forgiving than other forms of art! Photography?

    • Samantha

      For drawing – my kid and I have been doing Art for Kids Hub on Youtube, try one of them – you dont need fancy materials and the host walks you through how to draw a cartoon character. You can use the crayon-like pastels or color pencils or any other colors you have at home.
      If you want something more adult/complex then try the daily art challenge on youtube. Some of these require colors in tubes or paintbrushes but the finished products come out much prettier.

  15. Detroit Birthday

    Thanks all for the advice on Friday re: a 40th birthday gift for my friend in Detroit! I don’t comment often and this is the first time my post went to moderation–I thought it hadn’t posted at all, I was on my phone at the time and didn’t get back to the page till over the weekend…In any case, she is in downtown Detroit. I’m not local, so it has to be something that can be delivered. Circling back in case anyone who asked for her specific locale sees this and has additional ideas! Really appreciate it.

    • Abby

      For flowers, check out jcostellodesigns on Insta – she delivered to detroit for Mother’s day and may be willing for a birthday bouquet! The restaurants I listed on Friday don’t all deliver during covid. You could look at Flowers of Vietnam, I know they’re on uber eats. You are such a thoughtful friend!

    • kk

      I’m not sure if Avalon bakery is delivering or not- but that’s one of my go-to’s. Good luck!

    • Z

      I don’t have a rec but I really love the uptick in posts about Metro Detroit over the last few weeks.

    • Mathy

      Check out Mongers Provisions. They are known for their cheese and charcuterie boards but were recently called out in Bon Appetit for a place with gourmet mail order groceries, and they have recently had interesting cheese and chocolate classes over Zoom (they drop off the goods on your porch, and you get a virtual tasting class). Lots of fun!

    • Anon

      FYI I tried to order a birthday cake from Sanders for my Detroit native husband, and they had at least a two week shipping delay with minimal communication about the delay, so unfortunately I can’t recommend them. But for another non-pandemic time, just know that Detroiters are SERIOUS about their bumpy cakes.

  16. Annon

    Any recommendations for hair growth supplements that are breast feeding friendly? I’m going through my postpartum hair loss phase and I now have big bald patches at my temples. I think it will grow back? But looking for something to help it along.

    • Anonome

      I love Viviscal tablets, but they take a good two to three months to work. If you want quicker results, I’d look into a topical treatment, and use supplements as a back-up.

    • Anon

      I would be extremely wary of any supplement (except vitamins) or medication while breast-feeding, unless medically necessary. It will eventually grow back and continuing your prenatal vitamin or another daily multivitamin will help it grow faster.

    • Anon

      Your prenatal vitamins will help. It’ll grow back, it’s hormonal and you can’t do anything about it.

    • AFT

      I started using the Nioxin shampoo and conditioner during this period, and have stuck with it. Smell is great and it seems to help a little bit with fullness.

  17. Anon

    a friend and i were discussing this over the weekend and neither of us knew the answer. if someone gets covid but is asymptomatic, i know that they can still spread the virus, which is half the problem since people have it, but don’t know it. but for how long is this the case? does the virus just leave their body at some point and then they are no longer a vector?

    • Anon

      There’s two kinds of asymptomatic – people who will get sick but haven’t yet and people who won’t get sick at all. It’s believed that you’re infectious for at least a couple days before you get sick. It’s less clear whether people who never get sick at all really spread the virus (even if it’s theoretically possible, that doesn’t mean it’s happening in practice). But, yes, someone who has the virus but never gets sick will eventually clear the virus from their body just like a sick person would.

      • anon

        to add to that, people that do get sick can take anywhere from a week to a month or longer to recover. That’s a pretty big range, and that’s from symptomatic people who have received medical care and close observation, which asymptomatic people generally haven’t, so we have less information about the evolution of the virus in their bodies. So the ideal scenario for minimizing spread is: Person A comes down with symptoms, but only was in contact with the bare minimum of people in the previous week. All of these can be tracked down and told they were exposed, and all of them also were only in contact with the necessary amount of people in the previous week. All of the people can get a test and stay in isolation until they get the result. It’s all in the testing.

    • Clementine

      Yes, that is the current understanding. In general, the best practice is to have asymptomatic positive testing individuals self quarantine for the full 14 days as well as have all individuals exposed to them either self-quarantine if possible or wear masks at all times when in contact with others (this is a health care worker thing).

      Part of the other nuance is that some people are testing positive even after it is understood that the course of the virus would be done; however, this may be related to lingering antibodies.

      Basically: long incubation period where people are able to spread the disease but before symptom onset + large number of ‘carriers’ in the population + no herd immunity + lack of a clear understanding of exactly how long immunity is conferred + systemic cuts to our public health infrastructure = a freaking nightmare.

    • Anonymous

      https://www.scmp.com/news/china/science/article/3082649/coronavirus-most-likely-be-passed-early-stages-illness-or
      Here is a recent study from Taiwan, in summary: there are people who are asymptomatic and people who are PRE-symptomatic. The asymptomatic people are not shedding the virus and thus are not contagious, the presymptomatic are the MOST contagious. However, we cannot tell them apart, so assume everyone is presymptomatic. No one spread the infection after their 6th day of catching the infection. Obviously this is just one study so take everything with a grain of salt, but it is supported by other earlier studies I have read about so I believe this is the current scientific consensus.

      • Anonymous

        Meant to say, I believe this is the current scientific consensus, if any. I think “scientific consensus” would be overstating.

      • Anon

        South Korea’s equivalent of the CDC has provided an update that people were just re-testing positive because the tests were picking up dead virus RNA. They weren’t sick or infectious.

  18. Anon

    Ugh, need to vent. I am in a role where I inherited and manage some messy situations. I received a very concerned email from someone whose work is affected by something I had no control over that happened months ago, but the work technically ladders up to me so I need to handle it and smooth things over. I know it will be fine, but I get so stressed out about these situations. I hate dealing with upset people and going into meetings that will automatically start out on a sour note. It’s just part of the job, blah blah blah, but I will never like being in this situation. I guess that’s why they pay me, right? Sigh.

    • KP

      Let them vent and don’t be defensive. You know this already or you wouldn’t be where you are.

    • BeenThatGuy

      I know of someone that has been in your shoes. She changed positions and inherited a staff that had a department therapist/coach because the conflict was so horrific. She listens without agenda and tries her best to defuse the situation. There’s not much more you can do than that. Managing in a situation like this is not for the faint of heart! Good luck.

    • Clementine

      I have a job like this… 18 months in and I’m still getting some fun ‘gifts’ left by my predecessors.

      I use the phrase, ‘Going forward,’ a lot. Also, ‘I’m sorry that the previous communication was unclear. I certainly hear your concerns – let me circle back with the team and see what our next steps are.’

      Repeat. Over. and Over. And Over.

      • Anonanonanon

        Yes. “First of all, I want you to know how much I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. We can’t fix what we don’t know about, and I’m glad you see enough value in your relationship with our organization to tell us what we can improve. We’re aware that, historically, this organization has had a lot of room for improvement in ______. We’re prioritizing addressing that issue, and would love to hear your thoughts on what that improvement should look like”

        “I completely agree that our organization’s lack of timely communication on ____ is unacceptable, and we’ve put a variety of quality control measures in place since that incident to ensure it won’t happen going forward, including ______. I’m interested in your viewpoint as a stakeholder, does that sound like the issue will be addressed, or is there something else you’d like to see us do?”

        Smile and nod, smile and nod, they call it “work” for a reason, smile and nod :)

    • MagicUnicorn

      Can you reframe it using relief that this situation was brought to your attention, talk about how glad your are to be able to address it and make it work more smoothly going forward, etc.? That has worked well not only for smoothing the feelings of others but also for putting me in a less-frustrated state of mind around similar scenarios.

  19. Snapping hip?

    In the absence of gyms and fitness studios, I’ve begun running every other day. My hip has been bothering me, not so much that I can’t run, but definitely in a noticeable manner. I did some internet sleuthing and have self-diagnosed myself with “snapping hip”! Usually I’d go to a physical therapist for something like this, but since that’s not feasible, I am trying to treat it at home with stretches.

    Anyone else have experience with this phenomenon? Advice on treatment? Am I permanently damaging myself by continuing to run? Thanks!

    • Anon anon

      Look up stretches for the tensor fascia latae and/or iliopsoas. I’ve been dealing with this and the stretches help so much. I’m also going to work in some more yoga with hip openers, because runners could frequently benefit from yoga but don’t – including me!

    • anon

      Oh my gosh, I do this! I had no idea there was a name for it. I can’t offer any other info but can commiserate that it is definitely jarring when it happens!

  20. Anonome

    I am losing my GD mind with micromanagers during WFH. We use robust, detailed project management software. It tracks what we’re doing, what dependencies our projects have, who is involved, and possibly our underwear sizes. Yet my inbox is constantly flooding with people wanting personalized updates, excel spreadsheets filled out, and status memos. I’m just going to start copy and pasting “I spent all day discussing my project status, so I haven’t had time to actually do any of the flucking work.”

    • Pure Imagination

      Man, that’s annoying. Has your employer progressed to spyware (what some are calling “tattleware”) to send screenshots of what you’re doing, track your keystrokes, etc.? I’ve seen some super disturbing articles about that.

        • Pure Imagination

          I’m using mine too because my employer did not issue laptops. I still have issues with that, but at least spyware isn’t a concern!

          • Ellen

            My law firm does not care what I do at home or at work as long as I get my full billing hours. Fortunately, the manageing partner cut my required billings b/c of the shut down, so I often spend hours on the computer looking at the Internet. I can still bill when I find articles to send to my cleints on matters of interest. I only have 320 hours to bill this month, which will be easy for me. We may have to let go of our assistants b/c they really have nothing to do. So the virus is affecting all of us. FOOEY on the Corona Virus!

    • pugsnbourbon

      Oh man, that sounds incredibly annoying. Are you able to link them to the section in the PM system that gives them the info they want? And repeat ad nauseum?
      If it’s a matter of them refusing to learn/use the system, that’s another kettle of fish.

      • Anon

        I agree with this. If they want their own personal memo to summarise what is in the software, that’s their own issue.

    • Anon

      It could be that your manager and your manager’s manager need this kind of report to justify keeping staff. Just keep that in mind.

  21. Anon

    I need some advice from the hive as I’m too embarrassed, pissed, and depressed to confer with my friends or family about this. I’ve met this guy on a dating app and been going out with him for close to six months, with the last two months basically living together at his place unexpectedly due to lockdown. It’s been a long time since I fell into a relationship but he made it so easy. He first suggested I just pack and move over to hunker down for quarantine at his place – we were both working from home – and I was wrapped under the illusion of domesticity. Just as a matter of context although we’ve never had the exclusivity talk, I’ve met his friends, family, etc and we’ve been introducing each other as girlfriend/boyfriend.

    I have to soon leave the country for about a month to take care of family issues that can’t be pushed back which I’ve let him know. I was prepared to say our short farewell (fully expecting to do a month of long-distance) when I started to recognize dating app icons sometimes popping up on his phone notifications bar. I’ve been squashing my suspicion telling myself that he just never deactivated it and notifications would pop up when someone randomly liked him – I know, totally fooling myself.

    I couldn’t stand the uncertainty especially if I wasn’t going to see him for a whole month soon. Last night I secretly checked his phone…and yikes…not only was he still on all the dating apps, he was actively messaging women (in the two digits….) while I was staying at his place. And the suckerpunch….it was only last week when he most recently messaged someone who he matched with last month saying that he was ready to try zoom dating. I guess he was trying to stay busy while I was away. That was late last night. This morning I packed everything and came back to my place without saying anything while he was still sleeping. My phone is off because I can’t trust myself to make the right decision right now.

    I’m devastated. No I’m not sorry I secretly checked his phone. A part of me is glad I found out before I left or else I would have stupidly been sending him cute messages and missing him while he was having nightly zoom happy hour dates. A part of me is….just depressed. Quarantine has been weighing me down emotionally and I’ve been happy to have him by myside. Also I’ve never been cheated on like this so it’s just a whirl-wind of confusion and sorrow. A part of me is getting a massive headache on how to handle this. I left without saying a word – not sure if he made a connection by this point that I found out about the online cheating – and I don’t think I could’ve handled looking at his face knowing what I know.

    Apologies for the dump of words and emotions. I’m just…..sad. I guess people still manage to cheat without having to step a foot outside.

    • Anonanonanon

      I’m sorry, that really, really stinks. Personally, I think it was totally reasonable to assume you were exclusive, and I think you have every right to be upset. You’re an adult, if someone introduces you to their family as their girlfriend, it’s not unreasonable to assume you’re exclusive. I’m sorry this happened to you at a time when it’s difficult to lean on our normal coping mechanisms.

      • Airplane.

        +1. totally reasonable that you assumed you were exlusive. He asked you to pack and hunker down with him during quarantine and you’ve been both introducing each other as boyfriend and girlfriend! This guy is sleazy and you deserve SO. MUCH. BETTER. He was using you as an easy crutch while not committing to you. Nuh-uh, not OK.

    • Anon

      I am so sorry this happened to you. You did exactly the right thing. I would continue to maintain no contact. If he wants to know what happened and you want to tell him , tell him once. But he is history. There is nothing he can say or do to make this okay or to now make himself relationship material. Be proud of yourself for leaving!

      • Monday

        +1. Also, “taking care of family issues” outside the country, right now, sounds like something probably not-great is going on elsewhere in your life. That makes it an especially crappy time for him to do this. If he legitimately thought this was a non-monogamous situation, the respectful move would have been to tell you he was on the apps and assume you were doing the same. This is just basic trying to get away with shizz. I’m glad you left, which must have been hard to do. I’m curious what he has to say to you, if anything–but in a smug way. Not because I think it’s anything worth your time.

    • Abby

      Oh wow. I’m so so sorry this happened to you. I’m really glad you found out as well, and I would’ve felt like it was an exclusive relationship in that situation. Internet hug, this guy does not deserve you.

    • Anon

      I appreciate that you’re hurting, and I don’t want to make you feel worse, but hopefully a takeaway from this situation is that your communication with future partners needs to be much better. You should have had two conversations–one about whether you’re exclusive or not. You can’t assume that you are–it sounds like you only “moved in” with him because of the quarantine. In retrospect, probably too soon, no?

      The other conversation to have had was, after you saw the dating apps on his phone, to ask him about them. As it is, you snooped (a huge dealbreaker in my mind), and you still really don’t know what his exact intentions are, only what he wrote online. If you’d sat down and had a conversation about all this, you might have been able to work through it to your mutual satisfaction.

      Finally, I don’t think this qualifies as cheating, but YMMV.

      • Airplane.

        I disagree with this but acknowledge that differing opinions can be reasonable. I think she was reasonable to assume they were exclusive based on what was said – what else does introducing ppl as BF and GF even mean now if it doesn’t mean exclusive? He asked her to move in to hunker down, it’s insane to me he was talking to other women, that was the huge dealbreaker, not looking at the phone. Looking at his phone just confirmed he was cheating. I wouldn’t be sorry for looking at his phone either – I’ve never been super private about my phone with partners (nothing to hide!) and wouldn’t think twice about looking at a notification while out of the room. Same with my partner looking at mine while I’m out of the room.

        • Senior Attorney

          Agree with Airplane.

          Hugs, OP. That sucks. But good thing you found out now, I guess. Be strong and don’t go back.

        • Anon

          Yeah, I can’t imagine using the BF/GF label if you’re not exclusive unless you have explicitly discussed polyamory or having an open relationship.

      • Anon

        I get what you are saying, but it doesn’t really sound applicable in this situation. They are living together (albeit because of the pandemic), and the guy seems to want to play the field. I don’t think a DTR would have solved the problem.

      • Anon

        I agree with you about communication but completely disagree that this doesn’t qualify as cheating. It’s absolutely cheating. He was hiding it from her. He knew that she thought they were exclusive.

      • anon

        I don’t see any mutually satisfying ending here, though. OP is understandably upset, but I don’t think she’s better off in the long run having some how managed to “work it out” with a guy who was clearly misleading her. How would she be able to trust him? In your mind, was he going to say “oh, you’re right. Now that you’ve asked, I’m ready to be exclusive. I’ll do my best to become emotionally invested in you now. I’d never cheat. Believe me.” FWIW, I’m also on team “it was utterly reasonable for OP to believe they were in an exclusive relationship.” No, the way to get over the hurt is to move on.

        This recent trend of people squawking that you cAn NeVeR aSsUmE eXcLuSiViTy ignores the fact that you are actually supposed to care for the person you’re in a relationship with. Getting away with whatever hurtful behavior you think you can get away with because no one was explicit enough to tell you not to do something that would obviously be hurtful is not how you treat people you care for.

        • anon

          Yes! “You didn’t tell him he couldn’t date other people” is such a sad position to take. It’s not unreasonable to expect better from grown @$$ adults.

        • Airplane.

          +1 YASSS to your last paragraph. It’s a ridiculous trend. Only garbage men act this way. A grown a$$ man can communicate and does not leave you wondering and hurt and left to find his chats with DOUBLE DIGIT numbers of women on his phone.

    • Belle Boyd

      I am so sorry this happened to you and that you found out the way you did. I agree with everyone else that you did the right thing. Even with no exclusivity “talk” you had no reason to believe that you weren’t exclusive, and no reason to think that he would be looking to still date others. Some guys are just like this (believe me, I know. I nearly married one.) You did the right thing by packing up and leaving and if he asks, I don’t think he deserves much explanation. He knows what he’s doing. I know this sucks, but it’s kind of like ripping off a band-aid. It hurts the worst at first. Let it hurt and then let yourself get angry. Abby is right, he does not deserve you! Much love and many hugs to you. I know it sucks, but you’re going to be okay.

      • anon

        Yep, some men are just serial cheaters – it’s not your fault, and it’s certainly not because you didn’t have an exclusivity talk. You are so much better off without the pain and heartbreak he would’ve caused you in the future. Stay strong and know that a bunch of internet strangers are rooting for you <3

    • Jules

      If Ellen were here, she would tell you that this guy is a DOOSH (and that you should JSFAMO). I do not think you were wrong to assume you were exclusive, I certainly would have under all of these circumstances. The situation is awful, and of course it’s also made so much worse by the quarantine. Be kind to yourself and get some support from your friends, even if it’s only virtual for now.

      Hugs

    • ArenKay

      Agree with the consensus; you are well away from him. Make sure you’ve blocked his number; there’s no point in talking to him, and who needs the aggravation of seeing his name in your texts? Sympathy and solidarity.

  22. Hollis

    Does anyone have any recommendations for a lightweight comforter or blanket for the summer? I am so hot I can’t sleep at night, but it feels weird to sleep under just a sheet so I need something else.

    • Anon

      I also need something more. At different times, that something more has been a cotton quilted coverlet, one of those glass bead weighted quilts, and a knit linen blanket. The linen was easily the coolest, but I also like the stiffness of quilts (I’m not sure what language to use for this, but I don’t want the heavier layer to wrap around me in the summer; I want it to sort of hold its shape).

    • Anon

      I’m a fan of matelasse coverlets. They’re thin, but feel heavy/substantial on. The Historic Charleston ones that I bought 10 years ago are very soft. Can’t speak to the quality now.

    • go for it

      Cotton blanket family here. LL Bean, Lands End, Macys.sometimes Marshalls & Target.

    • In-House in Houston

      I bought this at Macys a month or two ago for the same reason, I need something more than just a sheet and I love it. Macy’s doesn’t have it anymore, but it looks like you can get it at Bed Bath & Beyond. I love that the king size is big enough to really cover the bed – it falls almost 1/2 way to the floor on both sides.

      Novogratz Stevie King Blanket

    • anon a mouse

      Last summer I bought the Threshold Raw Edge Quilt from Target and it’s exactly what you are looking for — weighty without being hot.

    • anon

      Same problem here. Last summer, I finally bought a lightweight cotton quilt at Target. It’s more substantial than a blanket, but not so much that I roast. I also can’t sleep under just a sheet; I need some weight on me!

    • Anon

      I have a lightweight summer duvet from Ikea that isn’t hot. Ikea has not really done a great job with their online shopping model, though.

    • Southern Belle

      Try kantha quilts on Etsy and department store websites. They are extremely lightweight. Work great for hot humid southern climates. Range from ~$50 to ~$300. At the higher price points, they are offered more as decorative textile art.

  23. Kelsey

    Where can I buy pajamas online for a 12 year old boy? The kids’ clothing stores all have clothes that are meant for little kids, but there’s no way he would fit into men’s clothes. Lots of youth brands seem to be geared toward girls’ clothing. Seriously, even the river site is failing me at the moment.

    • BeenThatGuy

      I have this problem with my 12 year old son too. So what we’ve done is the shorts and t-shirts he is growing out of become his pj’s. In the winter, we have a few pairs of flannel or fleece NFL/MLB branded pants that we use with the t-shirts.

    • Anon

      Primary? Although I will say that I think things branded as “pajamas” are a waste of money unless you’re purchasing them mostly for the photo op (e.g., for a holiday). We just do leggings and long-sleeved t-shirts (or sweatpants/sweatshirts or shorts/t-shirts, depending on climate and how warm your child likes to be at night).

    • Anne-on

      Gap, Boden and Hanna Anderson all go up to at least a 14 in boys sizes. Might be more than you’re expecting to pay, if so, maybe Target online or JCPenney?

    • Anonymous

      How tall is he? My daughter was able to wear Boxercraft flannel pants in kids’ large until she hit 5 feet tall. Because they are marketed as lounge pants and not PJ pants, they are cotton without any flame-retardant treatment.

    • Anonymous

      I get my11-year-old son’s pajamas from Old Navy, Target, and Lands End. Sometimes Hanna Andersson too.

    • Anonanonanon

      I’ve had luck for my 10-year-old at department stores online. They’re a bit overpriced (I try to get a matching set that doesn’t have tight pants like younger kids do) but they hold up. I only keep about 2 pairs around for him, as he usually sleeps in sweatshorts, anyway.

      Pajama pants seem to be easier to find alone than sets at this age, so sometimes it may be a pair of Minecraft pajama pants and a solid black t-shirt, for example. Again, at this age we haven’t found much of a need for an actual set of pajamas.

    • anon

      My 11-year-old wears lightweight pajama pants from Target’s Cat & Jack line, with t-shirts that are too small for wearing in public but are still wearable. Or gym shorts + t-shirts. I’ve mostly stopped buying real PJs for him.

    • Anonymous

      Lands end, llbean, hanna andersson – my 10yo is 5’2″ and these still fit him, although he’s at the end of HA.

    • Anon

      My son has been in lands end pajama pants and Hanes white tees for most of his life now, since he grew out of the stage of wanting Bob the Builder pjs. They (lands end) will have what you’re looking for.

  24. Osteoarthritis?

    I have osteoarthritis in my thumbs. It was diagnosed a couple of years ago. At first, it was painful, but I wore the braces and it got a lot better. I still wear the braces when I sleep. Recently (last 2 weeks), it has gotten bad again. What gives?! I’m in my 40s and you wouldn’t believe how useful opposable thumbs are (and I guess I’ve got to endure decades of this getting worse). Any advice beyond Advil while I wait for my doctor to be allowed to reopen???

    • Anon

      You’re so young! Are they sure it’s primary/idiopathic osteoarthritis and not secondary to another condition?

      • Anonymous

        OP here — yes — random and annoying. No more pushups. Risk factors are weight-bearing joints (which are fine; I do not walk on my hands) and obesity (would make sense in weight bearing joints, but these are hands and I have a vanilla BMI). Ugh. For years it was quiet and now — another sign of the apocalypse, no?

        • Anon

          I asked partly because, so far, every single time a doctor has told me something was idiopathic, there was an underlying cause that a better doctor later discovered (which often did make a difference for treatment). I’ve learned that not every doctor considers it their job to identify rare conditions (and having a rare condition is not particularly rare; it’s just that each condition is individually rare). I also wondered if a flare up like this could be a sign of an underlying condition, because it’s not as though you just suddenly wore down your joints a bunch more in two weeks!

          Otherwise, I’d be asking myself if I’d been doing anything different (maybe with a mouse or touchpad, more cooking/dishes, or something else during lockdown), or if I had something systemic going on (allergies, an infection) that might be highlighting pain right now.

          But those are things to take up with a doctor when one is available (and you may want to check and make sure that you can’t do telemedicine; my insurance recently started covering it for me). Meanwhile, I have little to add to advil. Maybe heat/cold or curcumin.

      • Anonymous

        I know you meant well, Anon, but telling someone they are “so young” for whatever ailment (arthritis, degenerative issues, cancer, etc.) is the least helpful comment ever. They know they’re young and already feel unlucky enough.

        • Anon

          I don’t think she’s young to have the condition; I think she’s young to have the condition as a result of aging and nothing else. I know many young people with arthritis, but it’s secondary to another condition for them.

          • anne-on

            I have it too in my knees and hands and I’m in my late 30’s. For me a symptom of ‘mild’ EDS, which also is the reason I have ‘idiopathic’ scoliosis that went from 0-60 very quickly, knees that don’t ‘track’ straight over my kneecaps, and toes and fingers that pop out of joint super easily
            My knee doctor finally put all the pieces together for me and it was a light bulb moment. Turns out my migraines are also a likely EDS symptom as is my low blood pressure, and the constant ligh-headed-ness when standing. (basically all my veins and connective tissues do a bad job of staying ‘tight’ and blood leaks are behind all of those). It didn’t change a darn thing in terms of treatment but suddenly my body made SO much more sense.

    • Anonymous

      I have it too. Mid 40s. Wine makes it worse. Perhaps look at your diet? Otherwise, is your work from home set-up ergonomics friendly?

    • Celia

      I recently found out joint pain can be a symptom of peri-menopause. Do other joints hurt too?

  25. Talls at Gap and ON?

    Kiddo (11!) is taller than me. I am 5-4 and find that regular casual dresses (unless midi-length) are just long enough for me. Kiddo is 5-5 and growing. At what point do you *need* a tall? A lot of my weekend clothes just look like they should have leggings underneath (not feasible as we head into our humid summer) when she wears them.

    • Anonymous

      Tall sizes are not just longer in the hemline. Tall pants have a longer rise, and tall dresses are longer in the waist. Sleeves are longer too. Someone who is 5’5″ does not need tall sizes unless she is exceptionally long-waisted. If she’s not long-waisted, the dresses will hang wrong on her. I am 5’6″ with the torso length of someone who is 6″0″, so I buy tall dresses and have them hemmed.

      You just don’t like the length that the dresses are supposed to be. Get your daughter some bike shorts to wear underneath or buy her midi dresses.

      Also, aren’t you the person who obsessively posts about finding modest clothes for your adult-sized tween? Perhaps you should try out some of the Mormon mommy blogs or other sources for modest dressing.

      • Anonymous

        Hahaha — google back-to-school news stories (if kids ever go back to school) re girls sent home from school if their skirts aren’t past their fingertips.

        FWIW, I am a mis-matched grownup that has to have petite jackets / shirts but needs regular length pants and dresses. I guess my torso never developed?

      • SMC-San Diego

        I can see the concern for a mother with an 11-year old who could easily be mistaken for older if she dresses like a teenager. I did not have this issue with my daughter, but my niece is very tall for her age and is often treated as older by entirely well meaning boys who think she is 16 or 17 when she is actually 12. That led to some very uncomfortable interactions. Wanting your daughter who is a child to look like a child is completely reasonable.

        My suggestion would be mid-length dresses and/or bike shorts under shorter ones.

    • Clementine

      Depends on how your height is balanced, but at 5’8,

      – I consistently do better with talls at Loft
      – Gap/ON talls in dresses, casual shirts are usually okay regular, but – Pants dependent on how long the inseam is.
      – Banana – only talls in dresses, oddly. Shirts and pants are good in regular.

    • Anon

      Most retailers say their tall sizes are designed to fit women starting around 5’8″. I’m 5’11” but most of my height is in my legs, and I can wear regular sizes in shirts (or dresses if I don’t care about the hemlines being short) – it’s only pants and work dresses where I need talls. In fact, when I get tall tops, they often fit weird. I’ve never heard of a 5’5″ woman needing tall sizes. My mom is 5’6″ with an exceptionally long torso (we’re the same height sitting down) and she has never worn tall sizes.

    • anon

      Your 5’5″ daughter definitely does not need a tall, unless she’s exceptionally long-legged. I’m 5’8″ and wear a combination of talls and regulars, depending on the brand. It sounds like the real issue is that the length feels inappropriate (sorry, not the right word, I’m failing here) for a young tween, and I remember having that issue myself at that age. I guess I’d be looking for styles that tend to run a bit longer, or try different brands that are cut differently.

    • Cat

      No, tall sizes will be the wrong proportions – as others have said, it’s not just a longer hemline. I suggest trying styles that are designed to be longer (like midi dresses) OR just – letting her wear short things? Honestly at ages 11+ my shorts were a 3″ inseam and I wore miniskirts that required active attention when sitting…until I landed in Desk Job Land and no longer wanted to show off that much thigh…

    • Anonymous

      You certainly don’t need tall sizes at 5 5! If you’re 5 4 and routinely finding casual dresses “too short” the problem is your standards not the dresses.

    • Anon

      Talls are for around 5’9” – 5’10” and above. Your daughter does not need a tall. 5’5” is barely out of petites.

    • Anon

      Yeah, unless she’s particularly long-legged, talls will be too long. I’m 5’9″ and wear a mix of talls and regulars depending on the brand and the cut. I will say though, as a tall tween, pants are your friend. I assume you’re trying to get more length to deal with school dress code rules, and being that tall that young just makes for some weird fitting clothing. Smaller sizes tend to be shorter too, and at that age, I’d guess she’s not filling out adult clothing, it’s just a lot of trial and error.

    • Anon

      She won’t need a tall for years. You wear them when the other clothes are too short, it’ll be pretty obvious. If she’s tall and skinny for her age, try Abercrombie.

    • Anon

      I disagree with the consensus response here. I am 5’4″ and I buy Old Navy and Boden Tall dresses most times since I like dresses that end at the top of my knee when I sit (not ride up to mid thigh). Have had no issues with proportions or waist (Boden being high waisted anyway) and the length works well.
      Sometimes Tall is just about the length.

      • Anonymous

        Boden’s “long” sizes are not true tall sizes–they are just longer in the skirt. That sounds like exactly what OP is looking for, although good luck convincing an 11-year-old to wear Boden. The Old Navy swing dresses in talls will also work on a non-tall person because they have no waistline. Anything with a waistline will be a problem.

  26. Anonymous

    What are people wearing on Zoom dates? I have my first one tonight and it’s a first date. I want to look pretty but not like I tried too hard. I have basically only worn a sweatsuit for 2 months now, so anything dressier than that screams “obvious effort” to me, but I don’t want to wear a sweatsuit on this date even though I will just be sitting in my house still. Ideas?

    • Clementine

      I would do a deep v top in a jewel tone, cute hair, some makeup (more for looking flattering on camera than anything), and a necklace you like. Leggings or jeans on the bottom.

      You know, what women in romantic comedies wear when they’re ‘casually lounging’.

    • Anonymous

      For my first FaceTime date I actually styled my hair, wore a little bit of makeup, and wore a Free People Ottoman tunic and leggings, since all he was going to see was my face. We have been successfully FT’ing for weeks now, so it wasn’t a terrible choice!

  27. Anon

    What does everyone do about dust mites in their bedroom (if they are like me and swell like they’ve had a few bee stings overnight)? I’ve also been thinking about making cloth face masks because I don’t see how I’ll ever be able to obtain enough surgical masks (even with re-using them) that I will need for the months and years going forward…and how there might be dust mites living in my scrap fabric pile.

    • anon

      I’ve found increased cleaning protocols useful with dust mites. Ideally, a non allergic person could do the vacuuming. If you are on your own, step up the frequency, so dust can’t build up. Vacuum with a HEPA filter, at least weekly. Or maybe run your roomba daily. Roomba might even be able to vacuum under your bed (it goes under my IKEA Malm bed, no more dust bunnies!). After getting out of bed, shake your pillows and bedding out and leave the bed unmade for a half hour while you get ready, allowing sheets to dry.
      If you think there are dust mites in your fabric pile, wash it and store in a plastic bag/tub so they don’t collect dust.

      • Anon

        I have read that washing is not enough. Like, you can’t set the temperature on your water tank that high and/or you need special things to add to the wash water, etc…

        • Anon

          My washer has an allergen setting on it, look into that if you have serious allergies. I’ve bought aller-ease detergent, but honestly regular washing is enough.

        • anon

          I guess it depends on the severity of your allergies, sometimes it helps to reduce, even if you can’t fully eliminate them. It is not easy to actively kill or remove mites, but you can stop them from thriving on the dust, skin cells and humidity in your place with general cleaning routines, and always drying/airing out stuff properly. If you can wipe up dust with a moist rag, and wash hardwood floors instead of vacuuming, that also helps, since the allergens will float around less.
          Microfiber bedding can be washed hot enough, although down bedding maybe not. The dryer also gets hot enough, in case your washer doesn’t.

    • Anon

      I don’t think you get specific bites like you’re describing from dust mites. In fact, most people react to the dust mite, well, p00p, and it tends to be classic allergy symptoms – stuffy nose, itchy eyes.

      I think you have something else if you’re seeing bite marks.

      • Anon

        No, I’m not saying I got bitten, I’m saying I’m blowing up from something with the bedding. I’ve used every detergent in the grocery store for sensitive skin to no avail.

        • anony

          I have this – you can get allergy covers for your mattress and pillows, and I take allegra every night, but it still happens sometimes. Allegra definitely helps though!

    • go for it

      I cannot speak to the quality. It is gorgeous!
      The only reason I would refrain is my kitties. They would skid, then dig in to stop.

      • Anon

        Counterpoint – I’ve bad much better luck with a leather sofa and cats than with Fabric upholstered sofas and cats. Cats don’t try to sharpen their claws on the leather.

    • Anonymous

      we have a crate and barrel couch that we like! it is fabric, not leather, but i can say it has held up well for 6 years and i expect at least 3-4 more years out of it. lovely beautiful couch that you have linked.

    • Formerly Lilly

      With the caveat that quality may have changed over the years, I can tell you that an ivory linen crate and barrel sofa from 2006 is still in pristine condition. The fabric is good, the stitching is good, and the base and cushions are still good. We want a RH Cloud sofa really badly, but cannot justify the expense when the sofa we have is still in such good condition, despite daily use by two humans and two dogs.

    • Anonymous

      I have two matching C&B sofas (fabric) that were actually bought a couple of years apart starting five years ago — they’ve held up really well and you can’t tell which one is older. We also have a leather sofa from Mitchell Gold (which I believe actually makes the C&B sofas) which is a dead ringer for the Petrie sofa and has survived a tween boy who is now a twenty year old man and his dad, who eat on the sofa with very large dog lovingly invited up. It looks great too and is structurally sound — to be fair it is distressed leather and it just looks better the more distressed it gets.

      I have a few other non-upholstered pieces from C&B and I find their quality to be consistently good, there isn’t one thing that I’ve had issues with.

    • Anonymous

      I have several pieces of C&B furniture, including two matching fabric sofas that were bought about 2 years apart starting five years ago. You can’t tell which is the older one and they are holding up great. I believe Mitchell Gold makes the C&B sofas and we also have a MG distressed leather sofa that is a dead ringer for the C&B Petrie, and it has survived the passage of a tween boy and his friends to me hood, a husband who eats on the couch, and a large enthusiastic dog. It looks great and is, surprisingly, still structural sound. I have some non-upholstered pieces also and I’ve found the quality consistently good under conditions of some abuse. I say go for it!

    • NYC Girl

      Also have several C&B upholstered pieces (fabric) and all have held up great. Our couch has seem some damage from cats scratching (which, I cannot fault C&B for), but otherwise fabric and cushions look fairly new (couch is 5-6 years old).

    • Anon

      C&B furniture is great quality! I’ve considered that sofa (in fabric, though) and the seat was a bit firm, just in case you’re looking for something to sink into.

  29. anon

    I wanted to give a small work brag!

    Last week we got an email from a demanding client at 1:30am out of the blue. I happened to be up, and knew it would be my problem in the morning, so spent a few hours looking at the issues and sent the partner a summary of my thoughts around 4am. Partner was appreciative, we moved on.

    Two days later partner told me that he forwarded my email to the global head of my department as an example of outstanding associate work and then noted how it wasn’t necessary that I stay up til 4 working on this but it was appreciated and shows how seriously I take my job.

    It was really good feedback to get, especially as I’ve been feeling a little weird with the transition to all WFH.

    Just wanted to share!

      • Another Anon

        I agree with this, sorry. People can take their jobs seriously without working until 4 am.

      • Anonymous

        Gosh yes! +10000. I’m in biglaw and on pace for a 2400 hr year. The LAST thing I need is more pressure to answer unexpected emails at 1:30am or work til 4am. Hard pass. This feels like a throwback to law school gunning, ugh

      • Anon

        I hesitated saying something because I didn’t want to sound unsupportive, but I agree that we shouldn’t be checking emails at 1:30 am and working until 4 am for something that’s not literally life-saving. Really reminds me of my last workplace where people tried to be superheroes and it gave the normal ones tremendous pressure to reach unreasonable standards.

        • anon

          I agree with (most) of this. I’m in Biglaw (sounds like poster is too) and while there are times where you should be responding to things at 1:30am, please please do not celebrate checking/responding to emails at 1:30 am for out of the blue emails. Middle of a trial or a deal where the whole team is up and getting in last minute prep is bad enough but let’s not start pretending like responsiveness at 1:30am for out of the blue emails is something that should be celebrated.

      • anon

        Hi, it’s OP here. Clarifying that this isn’t something I typically do or was expected to do—I just did it because I felt like I had the gas in the tank to get it out of the way and make the next day easier. It would have been fine and I wouldn’t have been dinged if I was already asleep or if I hadn’t stayed up and just gone to bed instead. It was just nice to have my extra effort appreciated is all.

        I do recognize that drawing boundaries is a big issue particularly given the WFH environment and i thank this group for pointing it out—it’s something I struggle with as well and maybe this post is evidence of that!

        • Anon

          Gracious response from you! You happened to stay up and get it done, and you got kudos for it. Well deserved and well done!

  30. ProsecutorChick

    You guys. I just had oral argument via zoom, live on youtube, and now I get to rewatch it over and over and critique the $hit out of myself?! Ugh, I miss regular court.

    • Anonymous

      Do not even go there! I have a strict policy of never watching or listening to recordings of myself, or reading anything I’ve written after it’s published.

      • Journalist

        Some of us have no choice but to regularly listen to recordings of ourselves. It’s awful.

        • Anonymous

          Ugh, that would be horrible. I don’t see why a lawyer would have to do it, though. She could just review the transcript if she’s looking for appellate issues.

    • Anonymous

      DON’T DO THIS. Never, ever watch this unless you are actively working with a mentor to improve in a certain area.

    • Anon

      I do not watch recordings of myself – even when on the evening news. (Yes, this happens.) Nothing good can come of it.

  31. anonymous

    I need some advice from the hive as I’m too embarrassed, pissed, and depressed to confer with my friends or family about this. I’ve met this guy on a dating app and been going out with him for close to six months, with the last two months basically living together at his place unexpectedly due to lockdown. It’s been a long time since I fell into a relationship but he made it so easy. He first suggested I just pack and move over to hunker down for quarantine at his place – we were both working from home – and I was wrapped under the illusion of domesticity. Just as a matter of context although we’ve never had the exclusivity talk, I’ve met his friends, family, etc and we’ve been introducing each other as girlfriend/boyfriend.

    I have to soon leave the country for about a month to take care of family issues that can’t be pushed back which I’ve let him know. I was prepared to say our short farewell (fully expecting to do a month of long-distance) when I started to recognize dating app icons sometimes popping up on his phone notifications bar. I’ve been squashing my suspicion telling myself that he just never deactivated it and notifications would pop up when someone randomly liked him – I know, totally fooling myself.

    I couldn’t stand the uncertainty especially if I wasn’t going to see him for a whole month soon. Last night I secretly checked his phone…and yikes…not only was he still on all the dating apps, he was actively messaging women (in the two digits….) while I was staying at his place. And the suckerpunch….it was only last week when he most recently messaged someone who he matched with last month saying that he was ready to try zoom dating. I guess he was trying to stay busy while I was away. That was late last night. This morning I packed everything and came back to my place without saying anything while he was still sleeping. My phone is off because I can’t trust myself to make the right decision right now.

    I’m devastated. No I’m not sorry I secretly checked his phone. A part of me is glad I found out before I left or else I would have stupidly been sending him cute messages and missing him while he was having nightly zoom happy hour dates. A part of me is….just depressed. Quarantine has been weighing me down emotionally and I’ve been happy to have him by myside. Also I’ve never been cheated on like this so it’s just a whirl-wind of confusion and sorrow. A part of me is getting a massive headache on how to handle this. I left without saying a word – not sure if he made a connection by this point that I found out about the online cheating – and I don’t think I could’ve handled looking at his face knowing what I know.

    Apologies for the dump of words and emotions. I’m just…..sad. I guess people still manage to cheat without having to step a foot outside.

    • Anonymous

      i’m so sorry. :( the situation sucks. Can you write it off as at least you had diversion in quarantine and now you can handle your business? take care of yourself and don’t beat yourself up. it’s his loss and he sucks. :(((

    • Anon

      Happened to me as well though on a less intense level since we never moved in together. You truly dodged a bullet. Feel sad for the women who are now wasting time with him and be glad you are no longer being fooled by this guy.

  32. kk

    Have any of you tried an especially good at-home color depositing gloss for your hair? My light brown hair with blonde highlights is looking extra brassy/yellow and the purple shampoo isnt cutting it. I’d like to blend the color together a bit – do you have a favorite? Is it worth it to spend the $30 on dphue or rita hazan, or should I just get clairol at the drugstore?

    • Casper

      I’ve used several. The drugstore one was fine and worked well but definitely made my hair a very cool tone. I like the Cristophe Robinson color mask. The small size is about $20 and it makes my hair sooo shiny and soft. I use the chestnut color to blend grown out highlights into my brown hair but they have a lot of different shades.

    • Anon

      The Kristin Ess gloss at Target! $14 for a box. I have black hair (not jet black though) with brunette highlights that were turning really brassy and light. I get balayage so I don’t have a harsh line in my hair but it was getting really obvious that it’s been a long time since my last color. I used the Smoky Topaz gloss on my highlights (easy application, I did it before showering and had more than enough product to cover my just-past-shoulder-length hair). My highlights are toned again back to brunette and blended much better now!

    • Anon

      I’ve toned my hair with purple before using Wella color purchased from Sally Beauty. If you’re adventurous, it works well. Just make sure you choose the right developer.

    • Lydia

      I’ve been using KC Professional Color Mask in latte… I also have lightened blond hair that’s been looking a little brassy. it definitely helps. IGK Mixed Feelings Leave-In Drops are another option (purple) — helpful because you can add to whatever hair product you’re already using, rather than add another product.

  33. no

    Has anyone had any luck cancelling gap orders that haven’t shipped after 3+ weeks? I called and got a message saying they were too busy and then it disconnects you. I clicked the chat option and it says no one is available.

    • Anonymous

      I recently had an old navy order ship after a full month. Maybe hang on another week?

    • Velma

      I was trying to cancel an ON order that hadn’t shipped for 3+ weeks. I wasn’t able to find a way to do it, so I filled out a scathing customer service survey. The order shipped the next day. It now looks as if it will be delivered a full month from the delivery date. No idea if the negative survey helped.

      The lesson I’m drawing from it is the bargains aren’t worth it–the stores are not able to keep up. And given that people’s health is on the line in the warehouse, I’m ashamed of myself for falling for the marketing.

      • Anon

        How did ON marketing mislead though? Most retailers are pretty upfront that orders will take longer than normal to reach you, both to protect their own workers and because of shipping issues due to the current situation. If you ultimately received the item for the discounted price point, you still got the advertised bargain. Personally I WANT my non-essential items to be delayed in reaching me, because I know there are essential items that should have priority.

        • pugsnbourbon

          +1 – I think we need to adjust our retail expectations, both for small and large businesses. It makes sense Gap/ON/BR’s huge sales have led to an increase in orders, and with fewer staff members to fill them, there will be significant delays.

    • Anonymous

      Gap/br/0ld navy has been the worst. Orders are slow and they also don’t appear to be processing online returns for months on end. I ordered and returned at the beginning of this, and I simply won’t do it again.

      • Anonymous

        I think they are dragging their feet on processing the returns so those obligations can be erased in bankruptcy. This is why I’m not ordering anything else from them–the sizing is just too inconsistent and I don’t want to be SOL if it doesn’t fit.

    • anonn

      oh weird. I ordered a week ago and it told me a very long ship time of 3 or 4 weeks I think. But, I’ve been getting like one item every few days.

  34. Anonymous

    Food delivery question. I’ve tried to do contactless delivery, but sometimes the driver leaves the food at the wrong doorstep. If my neighbors are home, they’ll bring it over, but if they’re not then I have to awkwardly snoop around people’s doors to find my food. Has anyone else dealt with this? Any good solutions other than telling the restaurant no sorry you can’t do contactless?

    • Anonymous

      Maybe do what I do for my bag when I travel — make your fungible item identifiable with a sign / flag / ribbon / etc.

    • K120

      Can you add a super brief description of your house in the instructions section? Something like the house with the yellow door might help. I’ve found the drivers are trying to make the deliveries as quickly as possible so they aren’t super careful about street numbers. Giving them an easy visual clue might help reduce the misplaced deliveries.

    • anon

      Describe your house in the delivery notes. House color, door color, where to find the number (consider purchasing larger house #?), car in driveway, porch light on, big flag…whatever can help distinguish your house.

    • anon a mouse

      Is it hard to tell exactly which door is yours, or does google maps identify the wrong location? Can you put something distinctive on your door (bright red wreath, banner, extra big numbers, etc), and make it clear in the notes where deliveries should go?

      • Anonymous

        This is really helpful thanks! All the doors are the same but the numbers are pretty prominent. I’ll try to put something distinctive outside, great suggestion!

    • Anon

      Do the places you order from give you a spot to give instructions? Try to put really clear instructions there and/or ask them to call you when they arrive so you can guide them.

    • Anon

      I think if you tell the restaurant no, they’ll just tell you no. Those policies are just as much to protect their delivery drivers as they are for you.

    • Anonymous

      I live in a condo and ask them to call me and let me come down the elevator before they leave the food. That way, we’re on the phone and I can seek through the glass door where they are leaving it. Still contact-less. Works about 50% of the time. Mostly now I try to order directly with the restaurant and do the pickup myself whenever I can, in part for this reason.

    • Anonymous

      We have a different problem. Our screen door opens out and they put it on the ground in a way that prevents us from opening the door and getting the food!

  35. Thick Thigh anon

    Thanks for the shorts reccs from the 10/12 woman with thick thighs! I’m a solid 12 and purchased the Athleta Cabo Linen short in size 12 and I love them! Plenty of leg room. I also bought the Textured Brooklyn Short in 12 and it is slightly larger (would fit well 12/14?) but good for me. Love the tiny front pleat – again, plenty of leg room. I actually think these shorts look *good* on me, which isn’t true of the other shorts I own (which are slightly too big in the waist, yet stick to the thighs).
    Thank you, shorts reccs!!!

    • anon

      Shorts poster here, and yay! This makes me so happy to hear. I should check out the Brooklyn shorts, so thanks for the rec.

  36. anon

    any suggestions for an economical under desk treadmill for my home office?

    Thanks!
    Gabrielle

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