Workwear Hall of Fame: Cap Toe Ballet Flat

114 Comments

1. Help! I went off the pill for the first time in over a decade (I am not yet TTC but will within the next year). I did not have skin problems in my teens. It has been around 3 months since I went off, and now my skin is going bananas– terrible and non-stop breakouts on my forehead and chin, as well as around my hairline and jaw. None of my usual tricks or products for dealing with the occasional pimple appear to be working. Is this forever? Has my terrible skin just been hiding behind the pill this whole time? Please tell me this abates in a few more months after my hormones even out. Any products to recommend to get me through the next few months if so?

   1. I am in similar shoes but holding breakouts off – made two changes, 1) REALLY focused on how to stop touching my face (no resting my chin on my hand, no rubbing forehead, grabbing a kleenex before itching nose – seriously) and 2) I have sporatically used an inexpensive toner with some anti acne stuff for years but instead of wiping a single cotton ball across my face after cleansing I use 4, one for each zone of face. If I do break out more I will be changing diet and chugging lots more water.

   2. I had this happen. I switched from the pill to an IUD, and my skin went insane. I started having cystic acne, which I had never had before. Your issue is probably similar to mine. I had had teenage-type acne when I went on the pill. The pill made that go away. I used the same face wash the whole time I was on the pill. After a few months off the pill, the cystic acne started to lessen but didn’t stop entirely. I ended up changing face washes, etc. and that has helped a lot. So, yes, it will get better, but your skin/hormones are different now than they were on the pill. I would start sampling different products. I would also consider if diet/stress is triggering this for you. Diet/stress seem to be bigger triggers for me off the pill than they were when I was on the pill.

      1. +1. I always had acne, even when on the pill, but after I got my IUD my skin went bonkers.
         I eventually went on spironolactone which has been life-changing, but it’s contraindicated for pregnancy. Other things I did in the meantime that helped: switching to a super gentle cleanser (helped with the redness and pain), used aloe vera gel (moisturizing but nongreasy), and tried to limit stress (I know, not helpful but stress was a major trigger). It might be worth seeing a derm if you can.

   3. Yup yup, same exact thing happened to me. I posted about it maybe two weeks ago and got some good advice–try searching for that. I cut out (most) dairy after I posted and things have improved. There does seem to be a link between dairy and hormonal acne. I went off the pill four months ago, so maybe things would have evened out regardless of the dairy?

      1. I’m the person that posted about the IUD above. Dairy triggers my acne a lot too! I’m also slightly lactose intolerant too.

      2. Me too- I also want to add you may need to change your makeup. I had cystic acne until I stopped wearing coverup all together- mac was especially problematic for me. I can handle wearing the clinique for acne on occasion, but even that makes my skin freak out if I wear it too often. Also be prepared for your skin to do more bizarre things when you get pregnant (my lifelong acne cleared up and my olive skin started getting tons of freckles and tags- like basically overnight).

      3. This happened to Rosa. She had great skin when she was on the pill, and dateing Ed. Then, when she got married, she wanted to get pregenant ASAP, so stopped taking the pill. She broke out and became allergic to a lot of things, and then started having babies which made things even worse. Now that she says she is done with having kid’s, she went back on the pill and voila, clear skin. She expects to stay on the pill until she is in her 40’s b/c even tho she will not be likely to get pregnant, she wants clear skin. I think that is what I would do if I had a boyfriend. Right now, I will NOT have causal $ex with men b/c of the disease issue, so it is a moot point. YAY!!!

   4. Try topicals (Differin/adapalene, RetinA, etc.)

   5. If you can, I’d go to a dermatologist. They can help (though are not perfect) to identify whether it’s hormonal (probably) or something else, and should know what you can use and not use while TTC and pregnant. Your hormones will change again when you’re pregnant. Fun! Also, sorry :/. I struggle with hormonal acne. It was way worse when I was on the Mirena IUD (progesterone only) but still have to use topical now that I’m using the non-hormonal IUD (Paragard).

   6. be careful! i went off the pill for the first time in 15 years and POOF i was pregnant.

      1. There are methods of birth control that aren’t the pill….

         1. you are correct! i didn’t use them.

   7. On the upside (potentially) is that I had this same thing happen (horribly cystic acne off the pill) and my skin was perfect the entire time i was pregnant and bf-ing. Now that I’m past that part of my life, I am on spironolactone and I love it.

   8. When I went off the pill (aged out, not ttc), suddenly my skin could not handle makeup,hair care or skincare with dimethicone, silicone, or anything else ending in “cone”. I had no acne as a teenager or young adult, but got deep, cystic acne that disappeared when I went “cone” free in makeup and skincare, and started scrubbing my back with a brush and soap after rinsing my hair and then clipping my hair up while still in the shower. Seems like the dimethicone used to be only in the cheap stuff and in the past decade or so has become ubiquitous in skincare and makeup.

2. Going on a ski weekend over Presidents’ Day Weekend with some friends and am now questioning what I’ll do because I don’t ski (ha). I’ll do a bit of hanging around the Airbnb, reading/working, but have any of you all been in similar situations and if so, what have been your activities? I like cross country skiing so maybe a day of that?

   1. Maybe try snowshoeing? My mom doesn’t downhill ski, but she loves snowshoeing.

   2. Ernst Schrödinger broke his leg on a ski trip and worked out quantum mechanics while laid up at the lodge. No real insight into your circumstance but too good a story not to share. Also, #goals.

   3. Are you interested in skiing? Most resorts have lessons where you can learn even as a complete beginner. Also, snow tubing!

      1. This. Take a lesson! Or a snowboarding lesson!

         Many places have ice skating as well so that might be an option.

   4. Take ski lessons!

   5. Why don’t you ski? That seems like the logical thing to do. Lessons and equipment rentals are very easy to come by.

   6. Get a massage at the resort! Check out if there are yoga classes?

      1. This. I went on a ski trip (a yearly thing) while pregnant and that’s what I did. I got a prenatal massage at the resort. I also went and hung out at the bottom of the lift at a cute restaurant and drank hot cocoa and read a book. Depending on where you are, you could take the gondola up and check out views, get a drink at the top.

   7. Snowmobiling, ski-shoeing, cross country skiing (flat) no uphill or downhill, snowboarding lessons, tubing, sledding, sitting on the porch with a hot toddy

   8. I love skiing, but if I were in your situation I’d spend a little time putting chili or soup in the crock pot for the skiiers!

   9. Thanks! These are all good suggestions. I don’t ski because I had a bad experience while learning when I was younger, I do not like heights, and I’m going with experts so I wouldn’t hang out with my friends anyway. Not complaining or anything, was just looking for ideas. Thanks all

      1. I would definitely encourage you to take a lesson. I had a really bad experience as a kid on a school ski trip. When I met DH he loved to ski and encouraged me to try again. I LOVE it now. If you already cross country ski, the learning curve isn’t that bad.

         Don’t worry about your friends. You can ride up together on the lift and you can stick to the beginner slopes. You can plan routes so they ski with you parts of the way on beginner slopes that connect between expert runs as well, and then you can just continue on the beginner run while they take the expert run. When I started, DH could get in two runs including taking the lift back up, in the amount of time it took me to have one run done but we still had fun.

      2. Tbh this doesn’t sound like a fun trip for you. If they are expert skiers they will probably be busy on the slopes the whole day and you’ll be alone. Do you have to go?

         1. I think sitting at a lodge by the fire with a glass of wine an a magazine sounds amazing, and I AM a skier. Skiers get up early -generally and are in for lunch between 11 and 2. If you’re at a remotely sizable mountain I bet they have a bar/restaurant that will be pretty empty outside of those hours. I’d take a slow morning at the rental and then head to the lodge for some people watching, wine and winter wonderland enjoyment and then wait for the crew when they’re done. Maybe there’s an outside fire pit at the lodge? The older my friends and I get the earlier we get out on the mountain (on the lift at 8am, so leaving even earlier) and the earlier we finish (don’t do lunch until 2, and then some of us stop for the day then, thanks geriatric knees at age 32). Talk to the group and see what their general plan is and be flexible. If they get a lot of fresh snow, they’ll likely stay out longer. If it’s too cold, they’ll cut it short.

            1. Just stopping by to say: get some help with those knees! It can be better! Signed–been there, done that and feeling so much better at 36.

   10. I snowboarded in my youth (I was good enough to own one and even was a counselor at a snowboarding camp). In law school when we’d go on our annual ski trip, I just slept in and read books or bake all day, I think there was even a spa but I was too cheap at the time to use it- which was super relaxing. In the evening we’d go out for dinner and hit up a bar or play board games.

   11. Sleeding! Slopes often have sledding. I would also ogle hot men in the ski lodge.

   12. Snowtubing!

3. I would like to send a friend a thank you package (more a gesture than something grand). She watches what she eats and doesn’t have a sweet tooth but I was thinking maybe I could get something for her two cats. Any toy/ treats you recommend?

   1. I’m not sure where I would buy something like this online, but locally I like to buy treats and toys from my area shelter. Volunteers make them so the proceeds go back to the shelter. I’m sure there are toys/treats out there that would benefit a similar organization, so if your friend is a cat lover she’d probably like that.

      1. I love that! Or perhaps buy some treats and make a donation to the shelter as well?

      2. That’s a great idea, thanks!

         1. Go to a delivery store like chewy and send her a delivery of cat litter and food (if you know what they are using cos some cats are picky). Someone did this for me and it was awesome not having to buy and carry kitty litter etc.

   2. My shelter has a little shopping area with toys, treats, etc. I also like the idea of making a donation in her name. Some other ideas…

      My kitties love the Hartz Delectables squeeze up treats. The Inaba Churu brand has grain free options. Temptations are good too.

      Da Bird or the Cat Dancer are fun toys. One thing I like about Da Bird is that you can buy different type of attachments for it – like little mice. The Yeowww brand makes fun catnip stuffed toys, but anything stuffed with catnip is good. Crinkle balls or springs are fun to chase around. Some cats also like long kicker toys that they can hold onto and kick with their back feet.

      Really though their favorite thing is going to be box you send everything in.

   3. The K&H heated cat bed.

   4. When I take care of a kitty for some friends, they often buy treats or toys as a thank you. I really appreciate that because I’d prefer something for her than for me. One was a ball (weighted so it bounces back up?) with feathers at the top. They also bought these treats that are fish fillets. Huge hit with the outdoor cats! My indoor cat’s favorite toy is a catnip infused yarn puff. I buy them in 4 packs from Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00XSANUW4/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02__o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

   5. My cats love catnip toys and Da Rat (or Da Mouse) https://www.amazon.com/Go-Cat-Catcher-Teaser-Mouse/dp/B000LPOUNW
      https://www.amazon.com/Pioneer-Pet-Nip-Nibblers-Catnip/dp/B004VLNMPY/ref=sr_1_1?s=pet-supplies&ie=UTF8&qid=1548974819&sr=1-1&keywords=nip+nibblers
      They really prefer catnip toys that are chock full of catnip, and not the ones that are mostly stuffing and some catnip.

4. Partially sharing some exciting news and partially seeking some first-hand experience.

   A) My husband and I are going to do a big lump payment this weekend to pay off my student loans! This may sound dumb, but I had kind of resigned myself to paying that amount for the next three years (over 20% of monthly take home pay) and then a few weeks ago we realized that we had enough in savings to pay it off and leave a decent emergency fund. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me before?? I’ve just been throwing away money in interest payments. The only people I’ve told IRL are my parents and brother and I’m just so excited about it.

   B) Now that half our student loan issue is dealt with (he’s a medical resident so we’re holding off on the big payments for his until he’s attending), we’re thinking about homeownership in the next year or two. Anyone here have any experience with physicians loans?

   1. No advice about B, but YAY YOU for A!!!!

   2. No advice either but CONGRATULATIONS!!!! GO YOU!!!!!

   3. Yay! You will feel a literal weight lifted after you pay it off! Congrats!

   4. Congrats! I did this last October and it feels awesome!

   5. Yes. Basically once he has an attending contract, many banks will offer 0-5% down loans as doctor loans. They do look at his debt to income ration but don’t count the student loans against him. Shop around tho, all is not equal.

5. Hair question. I spent years blow drying and straightening my hair. It looks best this way. I’ve recently started to embrace my curls. They are somewhere between beachy waves and real curls. They are not consistent all over and sometimes a little frizzy. I still straighten on days I have important work events. Some of my friends think this is nuts and I should just be me.

   I’m defending an important depo tomorrow where the adjuster will be meeting me and my client for the first time and sizing us up. Impressions count and could change whether we get an offer or not. I worry about unconscious biases about professionalism, strength, confident, personality in that regard. I think I look more b@d @ss with straight hair. This got me wondering if it’s all in my head or if other people feel the same way.

   Do you subconsciously assume people with “hippy” hair are nicer than those with straight hair. You know what I mean … the corporate look versus the bohemian look. Even in a suit, I think my hair matters and projects different things. I’m interested in your thoughts.

   1. I’m in the same boat as you. Even though I wish I didn’t, I prefer my straight hair to my natural curls (possibly because I straightened my hair religiously from age 14 to age 29 and am still getting used to the curls). I also feel like my straight hair is more consistent – I have good curly days and bad curly days, but straight hair always looks the same. So, like you, I tend to straighten it for big work events. The weird thing is I never really care about other people’s curly hair (whether its frizzy or glossy or whatever), so I don’t think my opinion about hair extends to anyone but myself.

   2. Not at all. I associate women wearing their hair naturally with confidence. I associate stick-straight hair with being very young. I’m 54, if that makes a difference, and I dry my somewhat wavy hair straight-ish, not because I need to appear more badass (I’m badass on my own) but because I don’t like to have a wet head in colder weather.

   3. What area of the country are you in? Have found this makes a huge difference. At my SEUS law school, we were told that we would not look professional for interviews unless we straightened our hair or had it tied back/under control/etc. Several girls from the NE thought this was ridiculous advice. I don’t remember anyone from the SEUS thinking this was bad advice. I also only know of one younger attorney in my SEUS city who ears her hair down, air-dryed, and naturally curly.

      1. This is so loaded with racist and sexist implications and makes me so frustrated that no one questioned it (I didn’t either! I posted below about chemically straightening my hair all through law school!). I think the last few years have been revolutionary in terms of the way curly hair is not being seen and managed and I hope/believe this isn’t still the case.

   4. I feel the same way about my hair, I don’t feel as pulled together if I don’t “do” my hair, and agree with Anon at 2:42 that my wavy/curly hair isn’t as consistent. What sucks is my hair is more reliable to behave if I let it do its thing and be curly for a long stretch of time in a row. Usually in the summer I let it be, because it’s too hot and the humidity won’t keep the styling anyway. By the end of summer my hair is lower frizz and way nicer, but I end up going back to heat styling in the fall.

   5. Hmm. I have long hair with the tiniest hint of a wave to it, and the point at which I start to feel like a hippie is when I just wear it straight down over a blazer collar. That feels unkempt to me (like when men’s hair starts to creep down over their shirt collars, I guess?). So if I was suited up, my hair was up. (I work in a bizcas office now and haven’t had to wear a suit since I interviewed.) If my hair were stick-straight and still as long as it is, I don’t think I would feel differently. Not sure if this actually answers what you were pondering… (healthcare, upper Midwest)

   6. I felt this way for a long time and certainly all through law school where I chemically straightened my hair, continued for a few years after, then decided I was over putting the time and money into blending in and committed to figuring out how to deal with my curly hair (about 7 years ago!). I think perception on curly hair has come so far and as long as you know how to style it for yourself, rock it! I feel like it makes me more confident and larger than life when my curly hair looks good.

   7. It’s pretty freaking racist to imply that women with “bohemian” hair are less professional.

      1. Bohemian = white hippies to me. I struggle to see the racism here. I have never heard someone who is a BIPOC described as bohemian. That’s for crunchy white women.

   8. This is so interesting. I straighten my hair and have since the early 2000s when stick straight was the way to go. I have similar hair to yours, but probably a little more frizzy and less curly. I’ve actually had the opposite worry lately, since the trend is loose waves and curls everywhere. Am I looking too dated and untrendy by straightening my hair? Ultimately, I suck at curling my hair. And the natural curl, while something I do in summer when it is hot and humid, just doesn’t look quite nice enough to be professional (especially for a very important meeting). I’d love to curl it with an iron or wand, which I feel is more current, but I have TONS of hair, and it only looks good when my stylist does it. I’m incapable. So, dated I will be I guess.

   9. I think polish and style matters most. I don’t see curly hair as inherently unpolished, unprofessional, unstylish, bohemian, or hippy. I don’t think straight hair has anything to do with personality, demeanor, or professionalism.

      I would also be horrified to think the outcome of the deposition rests on your …hair being curly or straight.

      bottom line: I’m with your friends on this.

   10. I do not assume anything about people based on their hair but I do believe whatever makes you feel put together and bada$$ is worth the trouble! It’s like in college I would dress nicely for exams – just got me in the right mindset. So if it makes you feel strong and good, I say straighten it!

   11. I say do what makes you feel most put-together for a big work event. The idea is that your appearance go unnoticed so in that sense, I think it’s okay to want to “blend in.” I also get a bit of a mind-boost by doing my hair the “hard way” on big days. Puts me in the frame of mind that I am PREPARED for whatever is thrown my way.

       Every day stuff, though, I’m all for doing what feels right on the whole. I’m trying to embrace my curls, too, with limited success. It never occurred to me that there are/could be racial or sexist undertones to my feelings about my hair. Interesting to consider, though.

   12. It may not make anyone here feel better, but I have straight hair that is also fine and limp. I grew up in the NEUS in the 1980s. I was bombarded with ads and images that my hair was not s*xy and that only curly hair was. I got perm after perm (which resulted in fine limp fuzzy hair that was even less s*xy than before, and then it broke off and just looked sad). And then looked maybe bookish (who in her teens and 20s wants to look bookish?!). And gave up and permed again.

       I went to lawschool in the SEUS — no mention of hair (b/c maybe they knew that most women seemed to quit practicing in 10 years b/c law s*cks). But I moved back to the NEUS and women with the hair I paid good $ trying to get were straightening their hair.

       Y’all: the grass is always greener. But do what you want — if you think you look lovely, you probably do. Just kick a$s!

   13. I would say whatever makes you feel polished is fine.

       My hair sounds similar to yours and that I have found recently is hot rollers. I shower at night then air dry my hair and put them in when I wake up. It takes 5 minutes to put them in and a couple to take them out, run my fingers through to style, and hair spray. Granted, my hair is fine and only goes to the top on my shoulders. My hair ends up fairly uniformly curly, shiny, and smooth (i.e., limited frizzing).

   14. I have the same hair type and often wonder the same thing. To me though, frizzy hair is the marker of looking unprofessional/less put together and whether hair is straight, wavy, curly, etc. is fine as long as it looks maintained. This isn’t to say a frizzy look is always bad but it always seem more edgy/fashionista or (in the less ideal case) mad scientist. Maybe it’s a matter of finding the right product per season or wearing your hair up could add a professional flare? For wearing my hair down in the office, I personally have found that getting a Brazilian blowout has been the best way to embrace my curls as the blowout didn’t relax the curl too much but it majorly eliminated frizz and unpredictability as to how the curl will dry.

   15. I have super fine hair that I straighten all through the winter. Between hats, scarves, and jackets my hair becomes a total rats nest in the winter. If I straighten it (twice a week), I can actually brush my hair through the week. Once it gets warm enough to stop wearing scarves and a lot of wool I will transition back to curly hair.

   16. Just coming here to say to everyone equating frizz = unprofessional…there’s a lot of stuff to unpack there. I have curly, coarse hair as a white lady. I have never openly gotten discriminated against for wearing my hair curly, but even when I flat iron & blow it out it’s a bit fuzzy/frizzy….that’s just my hair. I am also quite tall, does that make me more or less professional? Or my eye color? Is that more or less professional? I think you wear your hair however YOU feel most confident & comfortable. It boils down to sheer laziness for me….I’d rather put my time & energy into styling my outfit & makeup because those are fun instead of fighting my hair for 30+ minutes.

   17. I associate visibly straightened hair with a certain kind of weakness for approval.
       it’s my own bias ~no judgement~my sisters both religiously straightened their hair for years. I was the oddball, still am.
       the key to great curly hair is good product, (try all types) stop touching it, and a fantastic haircut!
       It’s totally bada$$ to rock your given gifts.
       In addition, it bugs the daylights out of me to be subjected to “ what a professional is supposed to look like” ~ what does that even mean? Hair is equated to intelligence? Dedication? Professionalism?
       That’s bonkers !
       End of rant.

       1. +1 on haircut and product. The combo of a Devacut and some product changes allowed me to embrace my curly hair in my 40s. I don’t even own a blowdryer any more . . .

          Anyone who thinks it is unprofessional better not get in my way at the podium when I am wearing my Elle Woods pink suit because my heels will take out a toe.

   18. Late to the part, but highly recommend looking into the curly girl method if you want to improve the health of your curls/waves. There are some great wavies on Insta for inspiration.

6. Anyone tried microdermabrasion or similar treatments? Any advice/recommendations?

   I have big pores on my cheeks and tons of tiny scars from acne that continued well into my 20s (not much cystic acne, just garden variety acne that wouldn’t stop). I’d love to make my skin look better, especially since I wear minimal makeup.

   1. About two years ago I had some acne suddenly appear on my face. Tried my usual, quit using bronzer. Nothing helped. I resigned myself to covering it up. About six months ago I was where you’re at, looking to make changes that would get rid of it. There are different types of acne that require different treatment. For me, 1. Only non comedogenic products. (So I started using my old face cream on my hands and decolte.). 2. Salicylic acid and benzoyl peroxide are the two treatments that work to clear pores. You may need to experiment a to see which works for your type of acne, in what way (wash, treatment etc.). 3. I really worked at hydrating, inspired by Korean skincare routine. It took a long time, about a month, before the acne started to diminish but my skin was much better straight away.

   2. I have done microdermabrasion and do not think it is super helpful for acne scarring. I do like it for general skin texture, but for scarring my aesthetician recommended microneedling, which I have not tried yet. She says the tiny needles stimulate collagen production which encourages old acne scars to heal. That is next on my list.

      I have tried microdermabrasion and dermaplaning, which both had similar results for me. I preferred dermaplaning because in addition to lightly scraping that layer of dead skin, etc., off the top, the tiny blade also removes all the little baby hairs, which has a shocking affect on how smooth my skin feels. I will probably not do microderm again but will definitely do dermaplane a few times a year now. That said, I didn’t think it made much difference on acne scarring, and I plan to try microneedling for that.

7. One of my four-year old cats is sick, and they are worried it could be cancer. I’m taking her in for more tests tomorrow, but am really freaking out at work right now. Before I adopted the two cats I had now, I had one cat who passed away at 7 years old. It just seems like I’m doomed and am having trouble thinking about losing her. Not really sure what I’m asking, but I needed to get that off my chest.

   1. So sorry and hugs!
      FYI, the OP is not the commenter that normally goes by Cat :) I just did a funny double-take thinking “did I forget I submitted a comment on this post!”

   2. UGH this is a hard situation to be in. Hugs to you and your kitty. I hope the tests provide some relief to what you’re feeling right now, if only because you’ll know for sure what you’re dealing with and can make decisions about quality of life and cost of care, etc.
      It is SO hard to have to deal with the potential loss of a beloved pet, especially when they are still young! Be gentle with yourself and feel what you need to.
      Is there a way you can leave early today and spend some time with your cats? Short of leaving work early, I hope you can find some time to take a break, talk to a friend, get a cup of tea – whatever you need to get through today.
      Again – Hugs to you.

      1. This is great advice.

         I’m so sorry. I’m going through the same thing, but my kitty is older. She might have cancer but I’ve opted to not do a biopsy since she is already so old and frail. I’ve cried a lot the past few days thinking about saying goodbye to her.

         Your kitty is still young, so she may be a candidate for treatment. I’m hoping the tests provide some answers. It’s so tough dealing with a sick kitty. Hoping for the best.

         1. Wow – I’m going through this right now too. All my sympathy to you (both OP and cat socks). I have been spending a lot of time cuddling with my cat and feeding her special treats, and she’s been spending more time following me around and sitting on my lap, so at least we’re getting good time together.
            OP, Maybe you could take some time with your cat just to sit around and snuggle?
            We’re still not sure if it’s cancer, and I’m opting for less invasive treatment because she is old and has a hard time at the vet. When she was acutely ill I slept on a mattress on the floor because it was low enough for her to crawl into while weak. There is a certain amount of just letting yourself be sad that is OK.

            1. I’m sorry you are dealing with this too! I’ve been giving my kitty lots of treats too. She doesn’t have much of an appetite any more so getting her to eat anything is a win. Agree to just let yourself be sad.

            2. I’ll second the last sentence. When my dog died unexpectedly a few years ago I gave myself permission to feel all the sad I wanted to, and to ask for support from those close to me.

   3. No advice, just hugs. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

   4. I’m so sorry. My dog had a potentially life-threatening illness when he was just 3 and I had recently started a new job. It was very distracting and upsetting and I was lucky that a friend met me for beers and tears so I could get it all out. Then in the ensuing days I was able to focus more during the day and visit him every night at the puppy ICU. I hope that you can give yourself a chance to feel all the emotions today and then, when you have the relevant info, take appropriate action for your cat.

   5. I felt like every time my 16 yo cat had something that was difficult to diagnose, the possible answer was lymphoma. Apparently, it’s fairly common for cats to get it and that’s often what they assume when they can’t figure it out. I persevered through tests and medication, only to be told that she had a narrowing of her spine and a flukey accident had caused her pain. I know it’s *really* hard not to freak out, and trust me I did, but just because they told you it’s a possibility doesn’t mean that’s what it will be. Hugs to you and your fur baby.

8. Anyone going to watch this? https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/30/arts/television/lorena-bobbitt-documentary-jordan-peele.html?imp_id=792666766&action=click&module=trending&pgtype=Article&region=Footer

   It sounds pretty heartbreaking, actually. I can’t believe how badly men in the media have treated her (not to mention her abusive, POS ex-husband).

9. re: the post above, who watched the Fyre documentary? what a train wreck, start to finish

   1. I watched both the Netflix and Hulu docs. I support everyone in watching both of them. I’m easily captivated by scam stories and outrageous liars who seem to have lost touch with reality. It was also a window into an industry that I know nothing about (and am grateful not to work in). I think Ja Rule came off terribly, and that’s too bad for anyone who liked to dance in the early ’00s.

      1. Totally listen to the Theranos podcast – I think it’s called Dropping Out? Similar level of outrageous.

         1. I made an audible sound of excitement when I heard about the that podcast (I think it’s called The Dropout). I’m going to clean my house this weekend and listen to it.

            1. I will be interested to hear what you think about it. I read Bad Blood and I’m surprised that Theranos’ ex-GC still has a career after some of the shenanigans they got up to (she is back at Bracewell). None of it may have been technically unethical, but it definitely got pretty close to the line (I’m thinking about the degree to which they hounded and harassed ex-employees to keep them from whistleblowing).

   2. I watched it and I was mesmerized but the fixation on influencers. I am a fairly heavy social media user but I don’t think I could name a single influencer, and so it was an interesting window into something that is clearly a big deal and yet has no relevance to me.

      1. I have a 17 year old daughter. She and her friends are obsessed with Bella Hadid, wanting to dress like her, look like her, etc. My kid does not have the money for anything like Fyre but if it were something cheaper, her social media endorsement certainly would have swayed them.

         I saw that all the models or their agencies are being subpoenaed- should be interesting.

   3. I watched the Netflix one and intend to watch the Hulu one, also. I can’t get enough of that kind of $hit, which probably makes me a terrible person as I am not particularly sympathetic to the rich kids get scammed crowd.

10. Just started at my firm in January (regional midsize – about 75 attorneys and 150 non attorney staff). I am 35, transitioning as of counsel for one year and expect to be partner next year. Just got a notice from HR that they set out mailboxes for every one on Valentine’s Day and you can anonymously (or not) put a valentine aka nice card or note in someones mailbox.

    My initial reaction was WTF (corporate lawyer, I know this is for morale) but now I am trying to figure out what to do. I haven’t even met all the lawyers yet, let alone staff. Do I leave a note for my assistant? All the associates? The partners in my area? The recruiting team since I’m new?

    Give candy? All the heart and love stuff seems a little much for the office.

    1. This is weird… but maybe fun? I would ask someone what this is about. Like, are you actually supposed to give gifts or is this like where you get those fun valentines kids had out in 1st grade?

       1. +1 Ask a Buddy (preferably someone who has worked somewhere else too)

       2. +1 to asking someone

    2. I would do a small neutral color notecard for lawyers you work with, your assistant and recruiting team that just says ‘Love being part of the team. Hope you have a great day.’ or similar.

       also, this whole thing is 100% crazy

    3. Omg I would die. No advice, just sympathy. I hated this in high school and I would hate it so much more in the workplace.

    4. This sounds like a plain case of “Ask one of your coworkers.” I’ve never heard of something like this outside an elementary school setting, so I would need someone in the company to tell me what people normally do. Personally, I would absolutely not start distributing notes or candy or valentines to groups of people before I found out what the culture is around it all.

       And I might just plan on being sick on Valentine’s Day. Or suddenly being needed in Croatia. With a side trip to Samoa. And Patagonia.

       1. LOL to your last paragraph. I used to work in a midsized firm and would try to find a good excuse to be out of the office on whatever day we had Halloween in the office. Everyone’s kids would dress up and many of the staff and attorneys would, too. But I just couldn’t. Nope. I hate adult Halloween.

          1. I worked at a company where they **very enthusiastically** encouraged us to dress up for Halloween. I absolutely loathe Halloween to start with and thought this was ridiculous as all get-out. They had a costume contest, encouraged people to bring candy so employees could “trick or treat” at each other’s desks and had a little Halloween party in the lunchroom. Decorations and all.

             This whole idea about setting out boxes for employees on Valentine’s day makes me cringe. What makes it worse is that HR is doing it. Nope. HARD Nope.

    5. I’m not much help because I deliberately NEVER participate in this kind of stuff. It takes up mental energy and, if anything, produces middle school flashbacks rather than boost morale. I would pull my mailbox off the shelf and put it in my drawer. Alternatively, put a small basket of mints on top of your mailbox that says: “help yourself, happy valentine’s, Karen”.

       1. I like this idea–though I’d do something a bit more “Valentine’s-ey”–I’m sure the grocery stores have plenty of options right now (packages of red and white M&Ms or something). I can certainly be on the “ugh, seriously, at work?” team about stuff like this but I don’t think I’d push back hard b/c you’re new. I would definitely ask the attorneys you know how they handle it. You don’t want to p*ss off your assistant but you don’t want to “fake” it too hard either. Report back! I have to hear about this!

       2. I’d probably just bring in bagels for those around my office (we have a central table where people drop off things like this, then send out an email)- I’m not in the office super often and try to do that when I’m around anyway because somehow a few dollar investment in food makes everyone love you.

    6. Hahahahaha I work in a similar sized firm and this is totally the kind of nonsense we might do. No one here can help you. You need to ask someone there “hey what’s the deal with this?” And not HR. Ask a colleague.

    7. I would do a short note and a $15 gift card to Amazon for my assistant, then some chocolates or something in other boxes on my team.

       Look at it as an opportunity to be nice to people, and just sort of ignore the whole pink-and-hearts part of the day.

       1. Definitely do not do this unless a colleague tells you it’s an office norm. This would come across as way over the top in my office.

          1. They already have boxes out for the day. I don’t think your office norms surrounding Valentine’s Day are the measure here.

    8. Thanks, all. I’ll figure out who I can ask. I’m so new and I feel a little weird asking the main partner I work with (late 60s man). I honestly thought about being out of the office, but have no good excuse. At least I have a couple weeks to figure it out! :D

11. For anyone looking for a cheaper and/or wide-width shoes like these, look at the Aerosoles Outrun (same heel detail, but a bow instead of the strap across the toe) or Anne Klein “Able” (similar strap across toe, but a more-casual sole).

    1. Anne Klein cap toe at Amazon is comfy and affordable https://www.amazon.com/Anne-Klein-Womens-Buttons-Ballet/dp/B07HD2KD2X/ref=asc_df_B07HD2KD2X/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=317403097411&hvpos=1o5&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11860279904158004498&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9032524&hvtargid=pla-597882747766&psc=1
       but not pink.

12. I will totally buy these shoes . . .

    On eBay, late in the year, for $129 or less. That’s my cutoff for AGL flats in non-neutrals.

13. Can anyone recommend a sleep bra (aka leisure bra, comfort bra, lounge bra, etc.) that comes in the 36F to 38G range and provides decent breast separation? I’ve tried tons of options but all result in uniboob, which I hate!

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