Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Ari Shirt

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This navy top from Elie Tahari has a unique cut but looks like it would be flattering on a wide variety of body types. It’s 100% silk (dry clean only, just FYI) and drapes so beautifully, I think it would look equally appropriate with a skirt suit or worn with white jeans and heels as a grown-up “going out top.”

The top is $208.60, marked down from $298, at Elie Tahari. Today you can get an extra 50% off with code SALEONSALE, which brings it down to $104.30! I love the navy version, but it also comes in an ivory shade they’re calling “foam.”

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Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

254 Comments

  1. The perennial question returns:

    What shoes do you commute in when wearing a work dress/skirt and it’s between sandal and boot weather? Public transit commute so prefer to avoid the shoes I wear at work and sneakers. I have loafers that look great with pants but terrible with dresses.

      1. Agreed. I wear Allbirds.

        (Their Mizzle line is great when it’s wet, but not wet enough to break out the rainboots.)

      2. +1 – also I’d rethink the shoe change at the office. I refuse to do that anymore – get flats/shoes you can walk in, adjust your eye, and wear them in the office. Personally, I think a pair of fashion sneakers or loafers with pants or a skirt looks great. Get some flat Mary Janes or ballet flats to start slow.

    1. Rothy’s or boat shoes. Basic, yes, but comfortable and not as egregiously 80’s as sneakers. Low top sneakers would also be totally fine and I used to see them a lot amongst the summer interns on the commuter rail.

      1. Yeah, Rothy’s or similar (Skether’s version is very affordable). Their loafers look good with dressers, as do the flats. They have a driving loafer coming out soon that may work as well.

    2. I love the look of loafers with skirts and dresses. If you like the shoes otherwise, maybe try them in a lighter color like brown, tan, or even a deep red or navy so they don’t contrast so much? (assuming yours are black)

    3. Clarks has cloudstepper wedge ballet flats. They’re not hideous. They’re comfortable. They support like a sneaker but don’t look awful for work. I don’t support the poster above who says don’t change at work–my work shoes are very expensive and I don’t want them getting grody with subway slime and rain and sidewalk grime. I walk a lot.

  2. Can anyone recommend a divorce attorney in NoVa, preferably Arlington or McLean?

    Thank you!

    1. My condolences. I used Christian Lapham for my divorce, which was amicable. He was great, and I get the sense that he could have represented me just as well if things had become less-than-amicable. I’ve also heard good things about Jennifer Mullett. I’m happy to chat more offline if you’d like to post a burner email.

  3. I’ve been dating someone great for 8 months. I’m definitely shy about taking emotional risks and being rejected, and it seems like he’s a bit the same way. So while in the past I’ve dated some men who initiated discussions about about how the relationship was going, which compensated for my hesitation in this area, it’s not happening here. (For instance, we never had a “define the relationship talk” and for a while I was thinking I should bring it up, but then we just…started organically referring to each other as girlfriend/boyfriend a few months ago.) We have lots of small conversations about whether someone is happy with a plan or decision, but not big overarching conversations.

    He seems happy and is very affectionate/attentive, has introduced me to family and friends, etc., but I feel like maybe at this point, I should ask directly how he’s feeling about the relationship overall, whether he wants to change anything, where he sees things heading. He has mentioned being conflict averse (and once went to therapy for it) so I don’t take for granted that he’d feel at ease speaking up about something he worries might cause friction. If all continues to go well I see us on a path to living together and marriage, but beyond the early “what are you looking for” conversations we had when first dating, we haven’t had recent discussions about that.

    Maybe it seems silly, but I find the idea of initiating a conversation like this scary. Like I’ll ask for something before he’s ready or open a can of worms…on the other hand, after dating exclusively for the better part of a year, shouldn’t I be able to ask/say anything? Any thoughts about how to approach it, what to say or not to say, phrasing, would be appreciated. I’m not the best most articulate talker about this stuff. I don’t know how to get better at it.

    (And yes I realize at some level it would be better to know if he’s unhappy/unsure about things rather than not know…it’s just been such a rough 1.5 years overall that I feel like bad news would be so devastating, even if it’s not that likely an outcome.)

    1. You already know that you need to talk this out sooner not later. If you are thinking that you are on the path to living together/marrying and he is not on that page, you need to know NOW. If he is in a different place, it will hurt, but it would cause greater pain if you invest more time.

    2. What are you hoping to get out of this conversation? It’s perfectly fair to tell someone, I’m really happy with you and I find myself thinking about next steps, have you thought about timelines? But I get the sense that you want some reassurance from him that things are going as well as you think they are. If that’s the case then take some time to think about why you need that reassurance. Is there something you can’t quite put your finger on that makes you think he’s not being honest with you? Is he not meeting your needs in some way, like he’s not speaking your love language? Are you feeling insecure because vulnerability is hard? The first two are things to talk about with him, but the last is not. I can tell you from experience that if you start questioning someone’s feelings for you, it can make them feel like you don’t trust them, or maybe you’re projecting and you don’t like them that much. It can feel pretty blindsiding. Sit with what you hope to accomplish and figure out what to discuss from there.

      1. Thanks, this resonates. I do think I’m feeling insecure because vulnerability is hard for me, not related to him. How would you work on that? I also do feel like I look for reassurance because we haven’t had the big conversations. Like yes, I am thinking about timelines but I don’t want him to feel like a timeline is required. More that we are on the same page.

        I don’t at all suspect my bf of being dishonest, but my last bf was and I’m sure that colors things.

        1. Whenever I felt insecure in a relationship it was because it wasn’t right. When I met my husband that feeling never emerged. Listen to what’s promoting it – I tried to make a lot of relationships work that I should have let go.

          1. I think this might be accurate for people who are normally comfortable talking about their feelings, but not for people like me, and I’m getting the sense OP, who have a hard time doing that no matter what. That’s an issue that requires a whole different set of advice.

          2. I don’t think you can make this blanket statement. For example 99% of the time I am completely confident in my relationship and have no doubts. Last night I was triggered by something that caused me to have immediate panicked thoughts about why my bf hadn’t texted me back that aligned with what triggered me. None of my panic was based in reality and I knew full well why he hadn’t texted me back yet (a response wasn’t required and he was with his kids). If I had used that moment to say well this relationship isn’t right for me because I am having massive anxiety about not getting a text, that would had been really stupid. There is nuance to relationships and nuance to people’s feelings/emotions and situations. My issue was 100% about and on me and had nothing to do with my bf or the quality/strength of our relationship.

          3. Thanks Anon 12:14, yes this is my problem. It’s not related to him (though it’s true my issue could be hidden if I was with someone who was really good at initiating those conversations).

        2. I’m the person you’re responding to. It’s really hard. Especially when you’ve been hurt or experienced trauma, it’s tough to know when your spidey senses are going off because something is wrong vs am I anxious because I’m starting to feel things and I don’t want to get hurt again. I’ve been to therapy for this, and it’s given me some strategies to think through these feelings, but I don’t think the feelings will ever go away 100%. It’s helpful to dig into why I’m feeling this way and then focus on solid actions/answers.

          Like, let’s say I ask him to confirm he loves me etc. Best case scenario is he says all the things I want to hear. Is that REALLY going to resolve this insecure feeling for me? Or am I going to think yeah talk is cheap show me you mean it? And is he doing anything now that isn’t showing me he means it? If the answer is no, there’s nothing more he can actually do, then won’t I just end up in the same place I am right now? Don’t feed into an insecurity loop, that’s how a loop becomes a spiral. Figure out what you can actually do to meet your needs.

        3. Read Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability. She’s the expert on this. You just get find opportunities to feel exposed (emotionally. . . or whatever :)) with other people and get used to the vulnerability hangover afterwards.

    3. I’m not hearing how you feel about the relationship in all this. Do you want to be with someone emotionally unavailable? Or who doesn’t make you feel secure? Do you like him? Do you think you will fall in love with him? Is he someone you want to make a life with? You’re not auditioning for his approval only. It’s not only about whether he’s happy, it’s whether this is right for you.

    4. To me the larger question is, would you want to enter a marriage with someone where you’re not sure that you’re talking about the things that might be important to you? I think it’s time to start practicing, and see how it works – maybe he’s wonderful and gentle when you bring up hopes and dreams, and discuss any conflicts, and, that would be great to know! I think you want to set the precedent that you CAN talk to each other about things. I highly recommend the book Non-violent communication for getting better at discussing any conflicts (or, even just getting better at recognizing what you need and want….which is where I was when I started things)….for conflict adverse me it’s really helpful having a formula to follow to a) recognize what I’m feeling/thinking, and b) articulate things. As far as initiating those kinds of conversations goes – I always find it easier when I’m outside of my normal routine and not at home – at a restaurant or picnic, or walk, etc. They you could just say “You know, I’m thinking about how happy I am in this relationship, and that I’ve really started seeing this as something that might go the distance”. Ideally, he’ll say ‘me, too”, and you can continue talking. But maybe he won’t (because he’s shy, because he’s caught off guard, because he doesn’t also thinking that), but at least you will have indicated you want to talk about things. You can prompt either at the time or a few days later and ask “Have you had any thoughts about how you see this relationship going?”. Or see if he brings it up himself. I think so much of this is a) always being a safe responder to what he says (e.g. “I’m really glad to hear what you’re thinking”), and b) getting some practice so that it’s not sooooo scary (it will always be a little scary).

      1. Thanks for this, this is helpful. I’ll check out that book for sure. One thing that is definitely true is we are both safe responders for the other.

    5. I have gotten better at this with the help of therapy and it is really something you need to work on (however that works for you), but the one time I was in a relationship with a man with the same problems, it turned out to be very bad. The relationship ended very poorly. You can’t have two people who both can’t talk about their feelings.

      Have you ever read about attachment styles? They really rang a bell for me. But therapy was the most help.

    6. I guess I’m not really a talk-about-how-we’re-feeling-all-the-time person, so don’t feel the need to ask my partner if they are happy when they otherwise do things that indicate that they are. But if the relationship isn’t progressing at the speed or in the manner that you want it to, I think that warrants a conversation. But I don’t think it has to be a big thing. Want to see if you’re compatible living together, have more overnights and see how it goes. Want to get engaged/married soon-ish, start talking about a friend’s wedding and see how he reacts. Happy with the way things are going but feel like you should have a timeline/conversation, let go of shoulds and do things the way that makes you happy.

      1. Make sure this guy is not wasting your time. It’s fair to ask where he sees the relation going especially if he admits he fears confrontation.

  4. My Grandma has lost all of her sight in one eye and most in the other. She has a good eye doctor but because of her disease, her vision is just going to continue to get worse. She has glasses and can see well enough to move around day to day but struggles a lot with reading. Right now she uses a magnifying glass when she has to read something and still struggles a lot.

    She has an iPhone. I know there’s adaptive technology for vision issues but she is not at all tech savvy. Has anyone helped an elderly person navigate issues like this?

    1. My MIL has macular degeneration, so similar struggles. She could not use the iPhone so we had to get a corded phone with giant buttons. We tried an Echo and Siri for the iPhone, but she did not have the patience for it. Right now, she just keeps the TV on instead of reading. Audiobooks are good too.

    2. I’d check for resources in her community. Losing your vision is scary and hard. My husband worked for a nonprofit in our area for years, who’s sole function was helping people adapt to vision loss and blindness (he taught tech, like phone and computer use). They would pick people up at home, teach them to navigate outside their home as well as inside, cook safely, etc.

      Leadership went to tons of conferences with leaders from similar nonprofits across the US, so I know this wasn’t a special thing in our area. I’d look up “services for the blind + your state” as well as checking with your state – in AZ, the Department of Economic Security provides services specifically for older people losing their vision.

      1. +1 to this advice. My mother found options and resources for my grandmother like this (which my grandmother refused to use, but that’s another issue).

    3. Hi friend!
      My grandma is the same way- macular degeneration is a b*tch.

      She will likely want to get in contact with a “talking book and braille service” (TBABS) library in her state if she is in the US. These libraries will help set up new “patrons” with all the adaptive tech they need to continue reading.

      The sorority DG has undergrad women who will volunteer to help access local resources for the visually impaired. Could be worth sending an email if there is a chapter locally. Might bring a bit of levity to the situation, but YMMV.

    4. I’m sorry, that is really tough to watch a loved one slowly lose their vision. There are optometrists who specialize in low vision rehabilitation. They have to go to residency for this and would be the best resource. Her ophthalmologist or optometrist should be able to refer you to someone–you should not have to do all the legwork, that’s what they are there for.

    5. My MIL also has macular degeneration and is losing her sight. She uses an iPad for reading, games, etc because with the larger screen she can increase the size enough to see it (at this point). Also, consider whether a magnifying glass on a stand would help. My MIL was really struggling to write checks because she couldn’t hold the check and the magnifying glass and write at the same time, but without the magnifier she couldn’t see where to write. My husband a desktop one at Hammacher Schlemmer, but they also have floor stands with a magnifier and light that might be helpful for reading.

        1. Replying late to the post. Please look for “low vision specialists” or low vision optometrists. These are ODs trained in evaluating patients with low vision (typically patients who are legally blind). Yes, you can buy many of the magnifiers and loups online or off the shelf but typically these aids work better if fitted for the needs of the individual. Also, talk to her ophthalmologist. The local resources vary by county/state. But most ophthalmologists would have information about local resources such as school for the blind or similar organizations. Most of these services are not covered by Medicare or other insurance. Many of these organizations also do home visit to help teach patients to navigate safely as well as to make sure there is no fall risk or other safety concerns

          There are other things too that would help:
          -being legally blind help with tax reduction when filing taxes. Get letter from her ophthalmologist
          -she/her caregiver can get handicap parking
          -social security disability if that is relevant
          -make sure there is enough lighting indoors, especially night lights. This is more important during dawn and dusk. rarely persons who lose significant vision develops visual hallucinations. Patients may be hesitant to talk about it. Adequate lighting and social engagement help prevent this phenomenon.

  5. I’m struggling with a management issue. I manage a small team of project engineers. I have one person on my team whose work quantity and quality has drastically reduced since the start of the pandemic. We’ve all been work from home since April of 2020. At her performance review last year, it was something I brought up and since then, things have just gotten worse. Earlier in the summer, I was going to schedule a meeting with her to go over things and put her on a plan of action to try to improve but right before I scheduled the meeting, she lost someone really close to her and was understandably really struggling. I didn’t feel like it would be good timing to bring up her performance issues so I was just going to hold off for a bit. However, she recently reached out to me to tell me that she realizes that she isn’t a team player and knows her work isn’t great right now. She also told me that the reason for this is because she has mental health issues that have gone untreated. On her end, she is in therapy and is exploring medication options. On my end, I’ve stopped giving her high-stress assignments and have changed the types of projects she manages to where my direct reports are taking the more complicated projects. One thing that has popped up recently is that she doesn’t always respond to emails that I send that actually require a response. I usually have to send at least one or two follow-up emails. Some of these are time-sensitive emails regarding deadlines and others are just checking in on her to see how she’s doing. I have also noticed that she doesn’t seem to read all the emails I do send because I will give explicit instructions for a project and she will do the opposite and seem to be unaware that she wasn’t supposed to do that. I don’t typically send a lot of emails but if there is a high-priority project it just kind of ends up that me and the rest of the team email a lot since we aren’t in the office. I’m a relatively new manager and I definitely don’t have experience managing an employee who is struggling with mental health issues so I am trying to do this in a way that honors her needs while still meeting our performance metrics. The rest of my team members are rock stars so I think that makes her lack of production a lot more noticeable. I think she sees this too. She’s been working in this position for about 5 years now and before the pandemic, she was a pretty solid and reliable worker.

    1. to me the fact that she was a pretty solid and reliable worker for 3+ years before the pandemic should count for something. as is the fact that she reached out to you to know that her work isn’t great right now. given the fact that she approached you, can you brainstorm together ways to rectify the most pressing issues to help her get back on track? i realize this is easier said than done because on the one hand the corporate workplace has demands and you need reliable employees who can help meet those demands. on the other hand, and maybe i’m only speaking for myself, but i think we all have an ‘off’ period in life

    2. You need to speak to your boss, HR, and your in house counsel, if you have one.

      Don’t get your company into a lawsuit because you asked the internet.

      1. 100% this. And if you have a team of project engineers, I’m sure you have all of the above. Get off the internet and call all of them now.

      2. 100% this. Talk to HR and understand what the options can look like. Behind the scenes, of course.

    3. I’d talk to HR about reasonable accommodation for mental health issues. Right now it seems like she probably can’t do her job, even with accommodation, so you may also want to explore short term disability while she initiates treatment.

    4. You need to engage your human resources professional(s) in your organization to help you handle this. She disclosed mental health issues to you; there are now ADA concerns with anything you do with her going forward. Any plan to improve her job performance have to be examined through the lens of the ADA and your company’s responsibility to provide her with reasonable accommodations. Definitely do not do anything with her that could be considered discipline without speaking to HR first. You can’t navigate this by yourself; you do not have the background knowledge and expertise to handle the considerable and complex issues involved here. This is an area of huge liability for your organization if it is mishandled. Please contact HR in your organization ASAP.

    5. Agree with other commenters saying to consult HR or others at your company. While you do that though, one thing i have found helpful in managing employees who have had a shift in performance is to switch up my communication techniques with them. If you have any collaborative tools that can have a private channel with her (onenote, teams, etc), having an ongoing thread or shared page of projects/status/questions etc can be easier to manage. For one of my employees i basically set up a template with current projects and a section i expected them to update daily (a cadence that made sense for their type of work). This helped them have one place to communicate status and ask/answer questions, versus emails which could get buried.

    6. Just wanted to say that if you keep letting things be status quo that her issue will become yours. The rest of the team is likely tired of carrying all the complex projects while they’re going through the pandemic, too, and losing faith in you as a manager. If she is so off (ill) that she can’t even answer emails than HR needs to work with both of you on how to address.

  6. I live in TX (unfortunately) and I just saw a headline that the governor is trying to recruit more nurses as covid cases surge…um, how about do something like allow localities to implement their own mask mandates, vaccine requirements, masks in schools, tell parents that it is not ok to send your covid positive child to school, etc. seems like a much better strategy.

    1. That’s just common sense, so there is no way he will do it. I like how he called for hospitals to stop their elective surgeries today (elective =/= optional). In large part, these are the procedures that bring money into the hospitals and keep them afloat. Thought he was pro-business. And despite how many people die because of his decisions, the only way he is not re-elected is if someone worse it.

      It will be interesting to see what he does about DISD going against his order and mandating masks at schools. Hopefully, HISD and AISD will do the same.

      1. Thankfully it seems the school districts are stepping up. I heard last night that AISD is mandating masks, and thought HISD is on a similar path.

      2. I know someone with kids in AISD. Apparently they had a big town hall-type meeting last night and the overwhelming majority of parents who attended supported a mask mandate. I hope they listen to their community and tell Abbott to go f*ck himself.

          1. And Dallas did it first. Not sure how long the mandate will hold, but maybe it’ll buy us a month… or get us to when the 6-11 crowd can get vaccinated?

          2. Fort Worth ISD voted to “encourage” mask wearing. Dammit, FW, grow up and start acting like a big city!

          3. Clay Jenkins (Dallas County judge) filed a restraining order against Abbott to try and stop his no-COVID restrictions order.

    2. The Governor is an idiot. Nurses aren’t coming to help. My sister is an ICU Nurse for the last 25 years. Those poor men and women on the front lines the last 18+ months are sick and tired of people like him not promoting the vaccine and other measures to save lives. Many are leaving the medical profession or praying that they get a renewed passion for saving lives.

      1. +1. My best friend isn’t even an ICU nurse (she’s acute care and works in an ER) and she’s getting 40K signing bonus offers plus 8K/week offers.

        1. Yeah, there are a lot of nurses who are getting shafted on compensation as permanent employees and then when they quit, travel nurses are brought in at 3x the pay. Penny wise, pound foolish.

    3. I have a relative who is a traveling nurse and she says that you could not pay her enough money to go into Texas, Florida, Louisiana, or any other state where they decided to pretend like Covid didn’t exist and are reaping the concomitant rewards of that attitude. Her desire to help people who are sick doesn’t quite extend to wanting to help people who are sick because of their own stupidity and pigheadedness.

      I realize human lives are at stake and I don’t mean to be callous, but I am heartily amused by what’s happening in these southern “But Mah Freedumbs” states right now. This is the ultimate “f-around and find out” situation, in these states. They f’d around, and now they’re finding out. I am sorry people are sick and are dying – especially the kids who couldn’t get vaccinated. But oh my stars, who would have thought it, actions have consequences! I wonder how on Earth we could have predicted that if a highly contagious variant started circulating, and no one wanted to get vaccinated or wear masks, and the dumb-as-a-stump politicians in certain states decided to actively discourage getting vaccinated and wearing masks, those states would end up in a healthcare crisis and have to start rationing care. If only we could have foreseen this terrible outcome and prevented it somehow! Oh, the humanity!

      1. I TOTALLY get this sentiment, but I wish people knew that there are lots of people in Texas (me, my entire community, my firm, my husband’s company, etc. etc.) who have done everything we can to try and do our part who are affected by this too. Our babysitter caught covid last week from a family member – both of them fully vaccinated – and exposed us. We’re vaccinated, but our kids are too young, so now we’re all quarantining at home like it’s April 2020. And I’m scared for my kids, who didn’t deserve this in any way, and I’m frustrated, because we have to go back into that insane cycle of trying to work and watch kids at the same time. It’s just all so frustrating. I don’t think my comment is really even a reply to yours, I’m just venting some frustration on behalf of those who followed the rules and are still got sick/exposed. I know that chances are, my kids will be fine, but I hope to god they aren’t the small percentage of children who get really sick.

        1. I’m the commenter you’re replying to – I hear you, and I know there are a lot of good people in Texas who are going to suffer because of Abbott’s complete inability to lead and make good decisions. I feel for you and for your kids, who are at risk. I am sorry you’re having to retreat back into isolation just to keep yourselves safe. It’s not fair. I wish there were some mechanisms to hold politicians accountable when they play politics with people’s lives and deaths result, other than just voting them out, which is going to be difficult to do with Abbott because it’s Texas.

    4. There are many GOP politicians who thought the pandemic was essentially over, so they could get really extreme about their anti-mitigation stances without any negative consequences. The Delta variant heightened the consequences of these pro-virus policies. Unfortunately, they gambled with their constituents’ lives.

    5. So many other patients will suffer from this. Anyone who thinks they’re immune from the worst of the pandemic is an idiot – maybe you won’t get Delta or your kids won’t, but when your doctor cancels your “elective” knee surgery or your mammogram and your health worsens before you can be seen, maybe that’s when it will sink in. Residents must demand change.

      1. Yep. I wrote above about my grandma losing her vision above. She got a bad eye infection last March and was scheduled to get it surgically cleaned out. The surgery got cancelled and she ended up losing her eye entirely. She has one eye left and her vision wasn’t great anyway, but the whole thing makes me see red.

        1. I’m so sorry. i wish people thought about this more.

          My cycling group has stopped rides for fear of someone needing an ICU bed, which I think is fair, but so sad. it affects everyone.

    6. He’s fundraising off his covid denial. Imagine there are people who are so desperately clinging to their idea that this is not a big deal and is a personal liberty issue that this governor’s cynical, intentional, inhumane policies cause them to break out their checkbooks.

    7. Honestly, given the freedom to set their own mask mandates won’t make many districts mandate masks. And try making a second grader keep a mask on when his teacher isn’t wearing one, his friends aren’t wearing one. It’s stressing me out!!!

    8. My preschooler’s school just started requiring masks for anyone two and up. I’m not angry about it, and my four-year-old wears a mask better than a lot of adults I see, but it makes me SO ANGRY that we’re masking toddlers because grownups can’t get their shit together. Plus we’re on week four of no school because of repeated covid exposure in his classroom. UGH.

    9. But he is very busy fiddling while Texas burns in a huge gathering of unmasked (and likely at least 50% unvaxxed) people. It’s a COVID Hoe Down!

  7. It has come time to buy a new couch. Mine has performed admirably, particularly following intense usage the last year and a half, but it is tired. I’m aware the time I get the new couch may be 6 mo+ because of supply chain issues.

    I’m looking for my first nice, i.e. not IKEA, couch and am hoping to find something that lasts and is comfy. I’d rather pay a little more upfront for longevity on the back end. I’d also prefer pigmented or semi-aniline leather, because I’ve never met something I couldn’t spill and hope to have kids later down the line. Any tips/brand recommendations/words of caution?

    Also, if anyone has specific couches they love, let me know. I’m looking for 75-90 inches, mid-century styling, and prefer bench over individual cushions. I’m looking to avoid tufting (crumb-catchers) and weird arms that take up space in my small place without extending the seating. TiA!

    1. I have an anti-recommendation. We bought our first “nice” couch from CB2 a few years ago and it is NOT holding up well. It’s mostly the tweed fabric that’s been a problem. The frame seems fine.

      I have heard great things about Article and we’re very happy with some outdoor furniture we bought from there. I think next time we need a couch, we’ll probably splurge and get one from Room & Board. I sat on a bunch of their couches while we were shopping for what ultimately became the CB2 couch, and loved them, but I just couldn’t bring myself to pay that much. I wish I had.

      1. I am not a huge fan of our article sofa. The fabric pills and shows dirt. It looks worn despite being only 4.5 years old (in my experience sofas last at least 10 if not 20+ years).

    2. We bought our EQ3 sofa seven years ago, and it is still going strong despite two little kids who treat it like their own little gym…

    3. I have the Joybird Briar sofa which seems to fit your needs – had it several years and still really like it. Has a bench seat. Have it in velvet so no experience with their leather, however –

      1. I ordered from Joybird last year and getting it was a NIGHTMARE. I realize the pandemic/ice storms/Ever Given played a role but looking at reviews/Facebook, the service deteriorated significantly after La-z Boy acquired them. The upside is that it’s a great couch.

        We have an armchair from Inside Weather which is wonderful, really high-quality wood. It was about two months from order to delivery.

        1. That’s a bummer. We did have to wait a couple months, but it wasn’t too bad for a custom piece. Now the coffee table we ordered was a nightmare, but it is concrete, and I think that just was a bad idea for their shipping model–it took three tries.

    4. American Leather. They are sold at Room & Board and Jensen Lewis(?) and others. I like Room & Board generally for high quality, American made furniture with fantastic customer service. I love my American Leather pull out sofa from Room & Board but I also have another sofa from Room & Board that is not American Leather which is also very high quality. Loads of leather/ upholstery options.

        1. +1 for American Leather. I have a 10 yr old cream leather couches that are still going strong. It has removable cushions – I remove the cushions and vacuum both the couch and the cushions, and that takes care of crumbs etc., and periodically clean and condition with leather-specific products.

    5. I have a couple of Article couches that are holding up well (no kids but a dog). I also have a pottery barn couch that I like better – it’s less stylish but really comfortable and they make incredible stain resistant fabrics (I test the samples with red wine). Ours is oatmeal (looks like a creamy white) and looks brand new despite spills (they wipe right up). I replaced a leather couch with it – leather just isn’t comfortable, imho, and I like to nap on the couch.

    6. I’ve been very happy with my leather couch from West Elm. I’ve had the Brooklyn couch since 2016 or so and would recommend it.

    7. We love our American Leather couch. It is the company that makes Room and Board couches, but it’s less expensive to buy directly from them.

    8. I can vouch for Lee Industries being a good option, although you’ll have to find a local dealer to order through. They offer tons of designs so you can get exactly what you want in terms of length, a single cushion, non-tufted etc. When I first got my couch eight years ago, it was like sitting on a cloud. Five moves, a half dozen houseguests, and a few hundred naps later, and the frame is still solid, the fabric cushions have been remarkably stain resistant (coffee, chocolate, and blood all came out), and it’s still my favorite seat in the house.

    9. We have a Joybird couch that fits into our MCM house beautifully. I’m not sure of their leather options, but we have a darker fabric, and I have three messy kids, and 3 years after purchase, it still looks fantastic.

    10. Recommend Macy’s Radley and Radford sofas/sectionals. I’ve had three. Not because they don’t hold up, but because they’re awesome and I keep moving (first sofa, then sectional (sofa didn’t fit up elevator or stairs) and then I moved cross-country. I love them, they’re easy to wash, they keep good spring, are solidly made and you can get them on good sale often, because…Macy’s. And they come in a lot of stock colors so you can get delivery fast. If you choose non-stock, it’s much longer.

  8. I am about to participate in a federal trial as the very first in-person work activity I’ve had to do in the last 1.5 years. I’ve got my suits at the tailor, so I’m good to go there. But during the pandemic I realized I just… hate all my work tops. I KonMari’d a lot of them and now I have almost nothing left that both fits and looks good under a suit.

    What are your favorite shells to wear under a suit? I’m thinking of just getting several similar shells in ivory/blush/pale blue. I’m an hourglass shape, size 8-ish, very busty, so the neckline needs to be high enough to be professional, but too high means I just look like one giant boob. I prefer natural fabrics and am willing to spend on good quality. This is surprisingly harder than I thought it would be…

    1. They’re so expensive but the Eileen Fisher ones are really nice and good. Also, they are boxy, so they fit an ample bust, but to me look fine tucked in. I have two really beautiful ones in copper and sage green.

    2. I wear the silk tops from Antonio Melani at Dillard’s, or silk tops from Elie Tahari (found on sale).

    3. I like the supima cotton shirts at Lands’ End. Many different colors, necklines and sleeve lengths. And the white/light colored ones are opaque!

    4. I buy linen shells from Flax brand for the summer. I machine wash and line dry them. They have a heavier weight and a lighter weight. I have some of both. I have three shades of blue from navy to light, a lavender, a burgundy, black, and charcoal, and that’s pretty much all my tops for warm weather wear. I tend to wear a linen cardigan or big linen shirt over them for arm coverage.

  9. Nanny: any Northern NJ moms who can share what the going rate is for a nanny (over the table) for 1 kid? (And what, if any, is the additional cost per sibling?). Reposting from the Moms site for hopefully more responses!

    1. This isn’t exactly apples to apples, but we are in a nanny share with one other kid and our nanny makes $25 per hour total for both kids, over the table. Probably comparable to what a family with two siblings would pay.

    2. You should expect that a full-time nanny (40-50 hours per week) for one kid would want to take home about $20 per hour, give or take a dollar or two in each direction. You can do the math to see what that equates to paying on the books, but it will be quite a bit higher.

      FWIW, it can be a bit challenging to find a nanny who wants to be paid on the books in this area, so definitely be upfront about that from the beginning.

    3. I’m in the Bay Area and my college age daughter is full time nannying over the summer, earning $17/hour.

  10. Can anyone recommend a resume coach for targeting in-house legal jobs? I’m already in-house but looking to make a move. Thanks!

    1. I am not a resume coach, but I do this gratis for lawyer friends and the most recent one got a comment from the hiring manager that hers was the most impressive they have reviewed in a while (obviously kudos to her for being qualified but she had originally presented it terribly). All of that to say that I am also in-house, help with hiring/resume review occasionally here, and am happy to provide you with some free internet stranger feedback if you’re interested.

      1. I am not the OP, but I would be very interested. I am striking out hard when it comes to trying to move in-house. I would be happy to pay you, or even to make a donation to a charity of your choice in lieu if you prefer.

        Also following for other recommendations.

    2. Hello there, new poster here who is also in-house and would be happy to help with resume review! I’m typically on our interview panels as well and could provide guidance on the interviewing stage.

  11. I’ve been waiting for a chair to come back into stock in IKEA for months, they have other colours but not the yellow velvet which is the one I want. Other places have a similar chair for 2-3 times the price and since it’s a fairly statement colour and fabric I’d be happy with the IKEA one which I can then recover if I go off it.(it’s the EKENÄSET chair). I can’t decide if I should just get the grey version and assume the yellow is never coming back, wait for the yellow but then the other colours may go out of stock, or pay double elsewhere? This is the last thing to finish a room which really needs an extra seat now we can have visitors. If I get the grey I could recover it in yellow now but that seems a false economy over buying a more expensive one pre-covered?

    1. Set up a facebook marketplace and craigslist alert for it. You’ll see ikea pop up from time to time. Don’t recover the gray one, it’s not worth it. Look and see if Joybird or Wayfair has something similar if you need it now.

    2. Have you contacted Ikea? They can sometimes give you an estimate on when a product will be back in stock

    3. Are you in the UK or Ireland? Seems to be the only place that has any trace of the yellow velvet. It’s a lovely colour, agree!

      It seems to me that this is a new colour introduced in 2021, I’m guessing there is no stock yet. Try and give them a call. I checked the waybackmachine, and prior to 2021 the yellow velvet does not seem to be an option at all.

      It might be that the two new colours (blue and yellow velvet) are going to be launched in the traditional IKEA back-to-school/Uni launch in August every year? I don’t think they’re doing the catalogue anymore, but my guess is that this would have been new in the 2022 catalogue. If you really like this one, I’d give it til September at least before giving up. I don’t think there’s any chance of the basic grey disappearing, they have had at least one grey Ekenäset available since the 75 year jubilee when it was reintroduced. It’s still new enough that it’s not available for new covers at Benz, though.

      That said – there are loads and loads of similar Mid-Century lounge chairs available, both vintage and retro new, so I’m sure you’ll find a perfect one for you!

    1. Totally depends where you go. We always stay in Harwichport and tend to keep to the mid/lower/outer cape, so if you are also mid-cape I can give more specific recs. Also, will you be going with kids? How do you feel about masks/risk? Are you staying in a hotel or a house where you’ll need to do more shopping?

      Generally:
      -the vineyard or nantucket is a fun day trip if you have time for it. Rent bikes or you’ll spend the entire time waiting for shuttles.
      – bring or rent a bike. the rail trail is awesome and the entire cape is flat and great for biking. Bring a backpack.
      – Download the Shartivity app and see where the sharks are. If you want to swim in the ocean, don’t go to those beaches because the shark flag will be up and you will NOT be allowed in the water. We used to stay in Chatham but once we had kids we moved down to Harwichport where the water almost never has sharks.
      – check out the lighthouses near you- there are tons.
      – mini golf (various options)
      – if you need cheap sand toys/beach stuff, stop at the christmas tree shop on the way in.

      Outer cape:
      Check out the national seashore visitor’s center on the outer cape.
      Nauset beach is awesome, but in August often will close to swimming due to sharks and parking fills up fast. There are other options like…
      Get drinks at Beachcomber (this is kid friendly enough, but also insanely crowded so YMMV in terms of what you want to do during covid). You can get drinks/food to go and eat down on the beach. Beware that it is a HIKE down the sand dunes.
      P-town is a fun daytrip if you are not on the outer cape already but COVID precautions are very tight there due to the recent cluster.

      Mid-cape
      Walk around downtown chatham. Eat somewhere that looks tasty (lots of options). Breakfast at Woolfies in Dennisport but do NOT attempt this after 9am. We stay close enough to bike and we get there at 7am and it’s already a madhouse.
      We usually bring the kids to bank st beach in harwichport or one of the nearby dennisport beaches (sea street was our fave last year- totally empty during the pandemic!). If you have little guys (<5) the Dennis beaches are amazing. Basically massive mudflats with tidal pools at low tide. Parking fills up early so plan to bike there or be there at the crack of dawn.

      We don't really spend much time in the upper cape so if that's where you are staying someone else can weigh in!

  12. If you have a soda stream machine, where do you get your co2 canisters refilled or exchanged? Do you send them to the company or just go to a local shop and is there a discernible difference in quality or quantity or cost? Thanks.

    1. google Welding Shops near you – that’s where I get my keg co2 refilled.

    2. In my town, I usually get them at the Target customer service counter, our small food co-op, or Bed Bath and Beyond. It’s super easy. I would recommend having something like 3 canisters so you don’t have to go after ever single different one. It’s great!

    3. I’ve done both, no difference in quality. I think local store is usually cheaper because no shipping charge. Also if you go to Bed Bath and Beyond you can use one of their coupons. Staples too if they send you coupons.

      1. Oh and yes, get 3 canisters and then replace 2 at a time so you never run out. This also gets you to the free shipping threshold if you want to do it by mail from Sodastream I think.

    4. Local hardware store is cheaper than exchange through the company, and I feel good about supporting a local business that provides an essential service. Exchange through the company was fine when I wasn’t going into stores. Just make sure to snap a photo of the package/label with your returns before you mail it out in case it doesn’t get logged back at the company.

    5. Sodasense. Sodastream had issues with supply throughout the pandemic and I switched to Sodasense, which is mail-in. Love it.

    6. Soda Sense. Through USPS–three in circulation at all times. One in the machine, two in the box. So when both the box ones are used, it just goes in my mailbox (which it fits in), and I quickly get another two.

  13. Does anyone have a Garmin smartwatch that they really like? I’m looking for a watch that’s a nice balance between a sport and smart watch, and I’ll be using it with an Android phone. I have a way to get a nice discount on a Garmin watch, which is why I’m being specific to them. I’m currently looking at the Venu 2, so would love to hear thoughts on that or recs for any other model. Thanks!

    1. I loved my Garmin Forerunner. I switched to Apple because I use an iPhone and I like being able to respond to texts and take calls on it so I don’t have to carry my phone all the time, but the tracking was superior on the Garmin (distance, steps, and heart rate) and it looked better too. And the battery life was amazing.

    2. I have a Venu that I got before the Venu 2 came out, and I love it! I don’t have my set up to do any kind of text messaging, but I do get news alerts on it and use the timers, step counts, alarms, and sleep functions. I also use it to track my cardio workouts. I like that it looks like a somewhat normal watch, and it holds a charge forever. I just charge it every couple of days while I’m in the shower and I’m good to go.

    3. thrilled vivoactive 3 (white) user for 1.5 years now.

      it’s an older model so you’ll spend less on it too. I’m a rec runner, swimmer, biker, so don’t need anything to go mountaineering in. Didn’t want the music ones to suck up battery. wanted smaller profile that goes with my workwear. I get call/text notifications which is helpful, but I never want to text back on a watch.

      1. i loved my vivo active 3. i ended up with an apple watch after the garmin for a few years and while i like the social / rings closing, other than that, i prefer the vivo!

  14. I’m in BigLaw and after being told for the past 2.5 years (including through the end of June this year) that I would be up for partner this year and that everything was on track, that I’ve done all I could, etc., I was just told yesterday that our incoming managing partner has made some changes to the partnership slate and now I won’t be put up this year. It will be another 1-2 years. Reasons being vague “business case”/people that can “drive demand” – even though I have a lot of client testimonials, etc. I’m also 35 weeks pregnant with my second and the first woman that would have ever been up in my group (which is a larger corporate group) (all of the men made it “on time” and there’s another man who will likely make it “on time” next year). I get that this is how these sort of things go and besides feeling all of the emotions, I’d really appreciate any advice on how to go about thinking of next steps career-wise? They’ll make me counsel at the end of the year but I obviously have lost any faith in actually being made partner. I’m in a large TX city (so a good legal market but not as big as, say, NYC). My husband and I are considering this an opportunity to move out of TX too.

    1. i also live in TX and there are so many other reasons i’d get out of TX if I could, that this seems like a great reason to leave the state. can you shop yourself to another firm during your maternity leave? (obviously not exactly what you had been hoping to do with your time).

    2. IANAL but I work in human resources, and this straight-up seems like pregnancy discrimination to me. Like, if someone had come to me and said “this is what we’re planning to do with this employee” and told me what you told us in your post, I would tell that person, “you cannot do that, you will get us sued.” Are you open to talking to an employment attorney?

      I’ll let the lawyers weigh in on your next career moves as I have nothing there. I am really sorry this is happening to you. Your employers are awful.

      1. So, the seeing a lawyer thing is really bad law firm advice. No stern letter is going to change the result here and you will just tank your career. Do you have a partner you are close to who will be straight with you about your odds if you stay? If so, talk to him or her and then decide what to do.

        1. So law firms can discriminate against pregnant women and it’s cool, let’s not do anything about it because we might ruffle some feathers? Sorry, I think this is an example of a woman (you) being complicit with the patriarchy in keeping structures in place that hold women back. Companies, and that includes law firms, won’t change their perspective on things like this until they are forced to change. No change will be forced if no complaint is ever made.

          I don’t think the OP should want to work there any more but I do think that if the firm is going to derail her career over her pregnancy, they should at least compensate her for her inconvenience. I agree with you that a “stern letter” won’t change her situation but it might help her negotiate an exit on her own terms that comes with some severance compensation that won’t force her to job hunt while she’s out on maternity leave. A possible, maybe unlikely, corollary benefit – maybe her firm will think twice before doing something like this to someone again in the future.

          1. And maybe a partner can tell her if she is really going to make it, so she doesn’t burn any bridges prematurely. We do have partner candidates deferred for business reasons who then make it in subsequent years. Business needs do change. We have also had one good candidate flame out during this process because she just assumed the worst rather than just talking to her potential future partners about whether she would really be up the next year. So I don’t think call a lawyer is the right solution unless her mentoring partners tell her she doesn’t have enough support. The firm network is also one of the best ways to move to a position at a client, so threatening to sue could materially negatively impact her options in transitioning to a new role. And hearing there has been a claim could make the poster toxic. If you are in a small legal community, this always gets around. In other words, real world is a lot more complex than the easy Internet advice to sue the bastards.

    3. I am on a partner promotion committee at a BigLaw firm and this sounds really off to me. For example, a managing partner would not really be in control of that process (do you mean for your office or the firm?). There should be a clear, reasonably transparent process– where does this fit into the process? It seems off.

      Discrimination or not (which it may well be), it sounds like you are not likely to be promoted at this firm. They’ve had the opportunity but failed to act. If you have an offer in hand, they may be incentivized, but you may want to explore elsewhere and find a place you’ll be appreciated.

      1. Our process works as follows: the practice groups put candidates up based on feedback from managing partner, the management committee, the partnership admissions committee etc. that has been discussed for years. There are quarterly meetings with each practice group to discuss the partnership pipeline, etc. The (tentative) partnership slate was set earlier this year – which is why I was receiving feedback through the end of June that everything was still on track. The managing partner takes the first review of the slate before it is formally set by management committee and the partnership committee (and then goes to a full partnership vote). Though I understand that he has been involved in all of the partnership pipeline conversations in the past and had signed off on me being up, he has decided with his new tenure that the firm is going in a certain direction so, in mid-July, he reviewed and at least bumped me off the slate. It’s unclear if others were bumped. Our process is anything but clear and transparent – that’s been a consistent compliant over the years by a lot of associates. But it allows them to really make whatever decisions they want. Now I understand that there can be legitimate business reasons for not putting someone up for partner (obviously), and I frankly have been very open with my practice group leadership for years about understanding that there are other factors at play in these decisions. If this conversation had come in January or even March of this year, my thoughts here would probably be pretty different. It’s the last minute change and also, for me personally, the awful timing of it being right before I go on leave. I don’t know if it is straight up pregnancy discrimination – our new managing partner has an awful track record with woman anyway but none of them are certainly stupid enough to put anything incriminating in emails. And as much as I appreciate the encouragement to talk with an employment attorney, I just don’t know if I have the energy. I know I need to leave and find somewhere else to go (it sucks that I’ll likely have to use some of my leave to do that). I guess I just feel like a failure and I’m kind of lost as to how to pitch this to prospective employers.

        1. “I don’t know if it is straight up pregnancy discrimination – our new managing partner has an awful track record with woman anyway”

          So, it is pregnancy discrimination.

          “And as much as I appreciate the encouragement to talk with an employment attorney, I just don’t know if I have the energy.”

          I completely understand that and empathize. You are close to giving birth and I definitely understand feeling like this isn’t the battle you want to fight right now. I think we all just wanted to reinforce for you, this is not normal and this is not likely about you but about discrimination.

          “I guess I just feel like a failure”
          You are definitely not a failure! It’s not a failure when you have been successful and have gone from strength to strength and then because you have chosen to have children, have your progress derailed by someone for no good reason. Again, this is not about you, this is about the culture of your firm and the weakness of your firm’s leadership. You will be as successful (or more) in your new situation when you find that, whatever that ends up being. I know it’s hard, but please don’t internalize this and try to figure out “what you did wrong.” Likely what you did wrong was be female in an environment where men are threatened by successful women.

      2. Agreed. I was a biglaw partner before my in-house move and this seems very odd to me. Our managing partner isn’t involved at all – if your practice group supports you for partner, you make it. If they don’t, you won’t. It definitely shouldn’t change late in the game. For us, it was a 2-year process with an intermediate checkpoint and if you got a green light at the checkpoint you would 100% be promoted at the end of the 2-year period unless something really dramatic happened (as in, you got fired for cause, the 2008 recession happened again and nobody got promoted, etc.).

        1. This varies dramatically from firm to firm. Some have much more centralized decision-making.

    4. Hearing that you would be the first woman up for partner in your group, if I were in your shoes I would want to question the optics of taking you out of consideration for another year or two, especially if firm leadership is not well-balanced by gender (or, frankly, by any other measure of diversity). I’m not at a law firm, but have found that a lot of “business-driven” decisions have huge blind spots when it comes to what those decisions look like when applied. Could you point this out to someone who could carry the message forward? I’ve seen it work – even at law firms!

      Also perfectly valid if this is the last straw or otherwise shows you what the firm might be like under the new managing partner, and you want to leave.

    5. Oh, quick question. At my firm, different practice groups are busier than usual in a recession. Corporate and tax are swamped, and litigation is slow due to a lot of the courts slowing down. Is there a chance you are seeing this dynamic play out for the first time at your firm?

  15. I’m interested in opinions on an unpleasant situation that I don’t want to be in. Please be kind.

    I dated my first boyfriend, “Dave,” from ages 16-18. He has gone on to struggle with lots of mental health and addiction issues. He’s needed to be hospitalized several times, and is now on disability for his mental illness.

    Dave and his wife, “Sarah,” live locally. We are all nearing 40. I have become much better friends with Sarah, and in fact haven’t seen Dave for several years. Sarah is a wonderful person, and I deeply admire her strength and boundaries being in this marriage. We are close enough that we have talked about this difficulty directly.

    Over the years, Dave has sent me texts and emails that are not really appropriate. They’re not explic!t photos or anything, but they’re romantic and sentimental regarding our relationship that, again, ended over half our lifetimes ago. He did once refer to trying to “hook up,” which is absurd and disgusting to me. I have said I’m not comfortable, and his response was to get offended by my rejection or dismissal (these are my words, but summarizing his reactions). I really resent this dynamic, and it’s the main reason I am not in touch with Dave. However, I have never told Sarah because I’ve assumed Dave didn’t really know what he was saying.

    Last night Dave sent me another long, rambling email full of references to high school and saying he keeps dreaming about me. I’m sick of it. I feel loyal to Sarah, and hate knowing that this man she spends her life taking care of is acting like this behind her back.

    Part of me wants to stop covering for Dave and tell Sarah. However, I don’t want her to feel I’m holding her responsible. I’d be telling her because I think he’s being disrespectful and infantile, and she deserves better.

    At the same time, Dave is very fragile and although I am not responsible for whatever he might do, I don’t want to be involved in any mental health or substance use fallout if I were to blow this up. Also, honestly, Sarah is his lifeline (financially, logistically, emotionally etc) and if she leaves him, he probably would just move in with his parents and start living under their support and supervision instead of hers.

    What would you do?

    1. Tell Dave if he does this again you will tell Sarah and then do that. Set a clear boundary with him first and see if that works.

      1. That was my first instinct, too, but when he does it again and she tells Sarah… Dave might just say “look, I did it five times before and she didn’t tell you” which puts her in an awkward situation with Sarah.

        1. In reality she can’t be friends with Sarah. Because Dave is toxic and she needs to exclude Dave from her life entirely.

        2. Yep. This is exactly what addicts do. Manipulation is just as much as much as part of addiction as the actual substance use.

          OP, it’s safe to assume Sarah knows Dave is a d-bag. She’s chosen to stay in the relationship/be co-dependent. You telling her about her about her husband’s advances won’t change anything. My advice would be to block him completely. If Sarah reaches out to you, kindly tell her you’re taking a step back to preserve your well-being.

      2. I’m sorry you’re in this situation; it sounds really difficult. I think this is good advice. Your loyalty is with Sarah, not with Dave.

    2. I think you need to get out of this mess all together and you should have done do years ago. Block Dave entirely. Tell Sarah you’ve valued her friendship but Dave’s communications to you are upsetting and you need distance.

      This whole post is about what Dave needs, and quite honestly I don’t care, you shouldn’t care. You need to sever these ties and explore why you felt the need to be involved to begin with in therapy.

      1. Yeah. This sounds like a family you need to care about from afar. You’re all very enmeshed. I agree that exploring the relationship with Sarah in therapy is a good idea.

    3. You need to set and maintain a boundary and I’m not sure why you haven’t. Yes, in an ideal world, Dave would not be doing this, but people with mental health and substance use issues aren’t always physically capable of stopping themselves from negative behavior.

      “Dave, these emails are inappropriate and unwelcome. You need to stop sending them to me immediately. If you don’t, I will block all future messages from you. I would rather not involve Sarah in this because she is my friend and I don’t want to hurt her, but if you don’t stop, I will be forced to tell her what’s going on.”

    4. ” Do not send me any messages like this again. If you do, they will be forwarded to Sarah as I feel she has a right to know about your behavior.”

    5. Maybe I’m too direct, but I’d forward the long email rant to Sarah with the body just being “WTF!?”

    6. Coddled people have no reason to behave appropriately. I say that as the sister of a nightmare sibling who has been using his autism to verbally and emotionally abuse the family for decades. Dave can be both unwell and a POS.

      Forward to Sarah, block Dave, and reconsider why you’re spending limited life energy on these emotional vampires.

      1. Your brother is using autism *as an excuse*. We really gotta stop perpetuating the stereotype that people with autism are mean or violent this is not the case science overwhelmingly has established people with ASD are more likely to be the victims than the perpetrators. These misconceptions cause biases and are exactly the reason I don’t tell anyone I’m autistic (in person of course, obviously not counting an anonymous forum).

    7. Do not respond. Block Dave. Forward to Sarah. Explain to Sarah you cannot be friends with her anymore. Block Sarah if needed.

      Dave is an adult. Sarah is an adult.

      This is what I would do. boundaries.

    8. Sucks that Dave is ruining your friendship with Sarah, but I think you have to cut both of them off.

    9. You don’t want to be involved in their relationship but you very much are.

      Step back for a minute and imagine you don’t know any of these people and one of your close girlfriends was describing this situation to you.

      You’d be like, “Girl, no. What are you doing?”

      So we are saying that to you right now. Extricate yourself from this gracefully or I gracefully, but fully. Now. This has been going on for too long.

    10. Since you value your friendship with Sarah, you should tell her asap about Dave’s advances. Leaving everything aside, you both are friends and I would expect any true friend to tell me the truth about this.

    11. In these circumstances, I doubt he’s actually romantically interested, he’s just acting out, so maybe thinking of it that way will help clarify things. I have a dear friend whose BFF has significant mental health issues. I know the BFF but we’re not close. I’m always here to support my friend but I’m not about to be sucked into the storm that surrounds friend’s BFF. If the BFF calls or texts something concerning to me then I tell friend about it but I don’t engage. I don’t forward the messages because it will only distress my friend. If BFF is reaching out to me then she’s doing lots of other nonsense too, my friend doesn’t need the details to know that it’s spiraling. In your position I would do the same about Dave. This isn’t a person who is trying to cheat, this is a person who is in crisis and is being intentionally destructive. Let Sara know you received weird and concerning messages from Dave and let her take it from there.

    12. If, for whatever reason you do want to stay in touch with Sarah:

      1) Block Dave’s number. No need to tell him, no need to do anything other than block.

      2) Set up an automatic forward that will put any email from Dave into a DAVESPAM folder and never in your regular inbox. Never check this folder.

      3) Be friends with Sarah, but don’t be friends with “poor Sarah who is heroically handling tragic Dave”. Don’t talk about Dave. Don’t be friends with her because of Dave. If you don’t really have any interest in her beyond her being Dave’s heroic wife, stop seeing her.

      4) If you want to say something to Sarah, you don’t have to make a big deal out of the content. You can just say that you’ve assumed he has a bad spell lately, and that the occasional emails/texts he sends you are creepy, so you’ve just blocked him. Just be matter of fact. If she wants to know, “creepy, rambling romanticizing of your high school days” could cover it.

      But it’s perfectly fine to fade out Sarah and never talk to any of them again. You don’t have a responsibility to keep being involved, manage or in any way be part of the Dave Show. He’s a person to stay far, far away from.

    13. I was you in a very similar dynamic years ago – mental illness, flirtation, etc. I blocked Dave and never said anything to Sarah. It’s been 8 years, and do you know what? I feel terrible that I didn’t tell Sarah what was going on because she wasted 7 additional years of her life catering to awful Dave instead of living the life that she, as a caring, intelligent, and attractive woman, deserved. She deserved more from me. Yes, she had her own eyes and ears, but hearing it from a friend I think would have gone far and cut her years of catering to him.

  16. Hoping the hive can offer some wisdom– started my career 16 years ago in NYC biglaw litigation. Did it for 10 years, didn’t make partner, moved on with life. Landed at a state financial agency (not NY) where my work isn’t litigation but more securities compliance – it’s been 6 years already, longer than I intended to stay but I’ve been rejected at other jobs, had personal issues, and then the pandemic. I don’t love what I do and don’t want to do compliance forever, but it’s not terrible/pays the bills. Recently an opportunity presented itself within the agency to interview in the area that deals with corporate filings – 10Ks, 10Qs, asks questions of issuers etc. Work that is decidedly not in the realm of litigation or compliance.

    Surprisingly I got the interview and I’m nervous – does this mean I want it or I think I’m making a mess of my career? IDK. To go from litigation to compliance to corporate disclosure seems like a weird career trajectory. Yet litigation hasn’t gotten me any opportunities after biglaw – never able to get in house, rejected by lots of other firms as being too senior/no book etc. Compliance – I just dislike/find boring. I know lots of people want to get away from litigation esp. as they get older, so is this a viable route?

    If I could have anything (not likely I know), I’d love to end up back in the private sector either in house or in a business role and/or do something with distressed companies like turnaround (saw a bit of that with bankruptcy litigation though never again, so that one is a pipe dream). This seems like it’ll close the door on litigation at firms once and for all because I will have had too many other areas of work. Thoughts? I should put my full energy into seeing if I can get this despite the weird career trajectory, right?

    1. You said you both dislike and find Compliance boring. So yes, that would be a weird career trajectory to move into something you don’t want to do. If you want to end up in the private sector, seek out those jobs.

      1. Not the OP but at my agency corporate disclosure is NOT compliance. Compliance is more of – these are the financial firms we track, so we go in once a year and make sure they’re checking the boxes regarding net capital, holding requirements etc. Corporate disclosure is every public company filing annual reports etc. and you aren’t just checking the boxes on whether the reports cover what they need to (in part it is but big companies file it the right way), you are asking questions to learn the detail of transactions, seeing whether material details are being disclosed. I get the impression what OP does now is true compliance and disclosure is something different in her state.

        But I agree with the prior poster if private sector is what you really want, pursue that. But if you really want to get away from compliance, you could pursue this WHILE looking for private sector jobs — i.e. this could be more of a backup.

    2. You’re already out of law by being in compliance so you may as well move to something more interesting. Litigation has very few off ramps into the private sector (there are far fewer in-house positions than people who want them) so I wouldn’t cling to that. You could probably always go back to litigating at a smaller shop, though.

  17. Does anyone else find that the more comfortable your life becomes, the less you are motivated by money alone? I always dreamed of a big career, and was really motivated when I was younger. I thought the long hours meant I was important. Now, half a decade into my career, I day dream about moving to a LCOL area and living off of DH’s income while being a stay at home mom. I’m paid well, we are comfortable, but I just hate working now. I thought it was my specific job so I switched companies… nope, still hate it. I have a hard time imagining not hating work again, even if I dramatically changed fields. Maybe this is depression talking…?

    1. Yeah. I won’t pull the trigger on being a SAHM for a number of reasons, but I get the impulse.

    2. There’s a reason why they have to pay you to work!

      We went the MMM route early on, so financially we would be perfectly fine if I stayed at home. BUT staying at home with young kids is a very difficult job, and my life would not actually be easier. I continue to save and invest, and will seriously consider staying at home / becoming semi-retired when all kids are school aged.

      1. I read this too quickly and thought it said MLM and I was all, hold up …. you actually made enough money to retire early through your MLM??? Of course it was MMM.

      2. I have no kids and no interest in being a SAHM, but I do have a chronic illness that makes work harder and less pleasant, so we’ve also been following the MMM/FIRE approach to give us options down the road. Work isn’t everything, but if you think you might be depressed, I’d also focus on dealing with that and thinking about what gives your life meaning outside of work and your immediate family.

    3. I’m definitely going to transition to a 4-day workweek at some point. I don’t have kids and likely won’t, but I want more time for my life and hobbies and we are fortunate to have “enough,” even though it’s not much by the standards of many people.

    4. Money and career do not motivate me, so yes, I think it’s perfectly normal not to be enchanted with always driving toward a bigger and more successful career.

      At the same time . . . pay lots and lots and lots of attention to what you slid in there at the end about depression. ARE you depressed? You wouldn’t have mentioned it if you didn’t have some reason to think you might be. Get that addressed, now. See your doctor and a therapist. THEN make life choices.

      1. Thanks for your input. Yeah, I am definitely depressed. I’ve been on meds/in therapy for about a year, and have seen a lot improvement, but still depressed. I guess I need to keep working and maybe increase my dose.

    5. I used to think I could never ‘like’ work, I was good at it but it was not something I enjoyed. Fast forward to now and I have a job I love, I make meaningful change to society. I’m excited to do things because I know they will make the world a better place (and not just make some company more money). Obviously I wouldn’t do this job for free, but I am certainly happy to do it for a salary.

    6. Not everybody is cut out for a big career. My son was laid off from his full time job in the pandemic and now he’s doing private practice (psychotherapy) with a goal of 20 clients a week so he can have time to do his hobbies and spend time with friends.

      That said, don’t make any big changes unless and until you get your depression under control.

      1. 20 therapy hours a week can still feel like a significant, demanding job actually, especially if you work with people deeply or with characterological or trauma issues. But if you are used to 30 or more clinical hours then yes it is lighter. I work this amount to be able to stay in in the field long term and meet my standards for good work. So it’s still pretty demanding, but yes, I have a family too and yes, some balance. Which counts for a lot.
        psychologist/psychoanalyst

    7. You could have more than one reason for feeling unfulfilled. Maybe the kind of work you do is not a good fit. Maybe the depression point is worth exploring? I would also interrogate what you are moving towards (not just what you are trying to get away from). Do you love family time and taking care of your loved ones? Is it something you look forward to where you can really decompress from work and recharge? Will it still be all those things when it is your full time occupation?
      The LCOL area (if you have a specific one in mind). If it is an idyllic place you know from vacationing, will it still be so charming when you live there full time?

    8. Same here. In my 40’s I took a job one level down from where I was for a very long time (and corresponding pay cut). But, I knew the job would be less stressful and less hours, so I would have time for family, travel and hobbies (I had no time for any of this before) and it has made such a difference in my life. On some days I still wonder how I am going to make it to a retirement date, after so many years of the same career it can feel like such a slog, but if i have to work until a certain age, I am glad I made this move so at least I am not as unhappy, stressed and overworked as I was.

    9. I don’t think this is a sign of depression (although, I echo the comments above that if you feel you might be depressed for other reasons, look into that). Not everyone gets their identity from their career. I certainly don’t. I was working in biglaw for the beginning of my career and absolutely hated it, thought that I hated my job just because of the hours and culture, etc., but now that I have moved in-house to a wonderful job that is strictly 9-5 and that I enjoy as much as I will ever enjoy a job, I still hate having a job. I think that I would hate/resent literally any job that I have because I just don’t want one! I want to spend my time how I want to spend it, and that will never be working.

    10. Nope. DH and I are there now. He got offered a role making 130%+ what he makes now and was like nope, hard pass. His job is cushy. We like our life. 30% more money is a lot of money for us but we need our time more.

  18. I need help picking a color for a new work bag. Black bags literally never excite me upon buying, even though they’re workhorses. So here’s what I’m considering: black, dark gray, and plum. My coats are black, navy blue, and gray.

    (Also, what is wrong with me that I’m literally never drawn to black clothing and accessories, even though they’re pretty essential for a work wardrobe?)

      1. Seconding olive, but also plum!

        Never really understood why bags need to “go” with coats, especially work bags. Have some fun with them!

        My most recent work bag, sitting sadly on a chair while I continue to work from home forever, is a sort of medium pale duck egg blue with dark brown trim. I wore it with black coats, tan coats, olive coats, and plum coats. No one pointed and laughed, at least not to my knowledge!

    1. I’d get plum, for sure! I wear a lot of jewel tones, so plum would go with just about everything I own.

      I also don’t get excited about black clothing and accessories, so I don’t own much black. I don’t know that I’d consider it essential for my wardrobe at all. Just a little encouragement that you don’t have to wear a lot of black if you don’t want to!

    2. I wear a lot of black because I look great in black (and because it makes it easier to pick up clothes that look cheap in other colors, I guess). I don’t consider it essential for a work wardrobe at all though!

      I got a ton of use out of the one dark gray bag I used for work; it looked good with everything (and looked great with brighter colors and florals).

      I had a plum casual bag when that color was trending and got a lot of use of it too.

      No need to go with black.

    3. I’d also consider olive or cordovan (burgundy). I agree – I have to force myself to buy things like the boring black work pumps or the laptop bag.
      It’s a good time though – Lo and Sons is running their summer sale. I’ve been eyeing their Seville shell system and might pull the trigger.

    4. If Barack Obama’s two main suit colors can be charcoal and navy, I think you can get away with no black ;). It just doesn’t suit some of us.

      1. I don’t think black suits for men look that great anyway. They definitely look a little cheaper and less polished and more waiter-y.

      2. Haha. I like this rule. I (OP) look pretty dreadful and washed out when I wear black near my face. It doesn’t suit my coloring at all.

    5. Definitely plum. I have a purple bag and it always looks right with my dark neutral coats.

    6. Plum looks fabulous with lots of colors. I have a Le Pliage in Bilberry for travel and the color looks great with black, gray, navy, and khaki.

      I would also suggest a cognac leather for year-round.

    7. I am a black/navy/gray wardrobe wearer and have gradually grown very tired of carrying black bags. I bought the Cuyana tote in stone/blush and love the contrast.

      1. I have had that exact bag and color combo for at least 3 years, maybe 4? And it’s still as lovely as the day I bought it!

    8. I like black but I only like it with black or gray. For instance with your navy coat I’d be bummed to carry a black bag. Maybe that’s why you’re ho-hum about it? I avoid black bags and most black shoes for this reason – I really only wear black shoes with black outfits.

      I have a bag from Cuyana in their burgundy/cordovan color and I like it with everything. I just checked – they call it Merlot.

      I also have a cobalt blue leather handbag that I love with almost everything. I wear a lot of shades of blue so it works with my wardrobe.

      The bag I’m carrying most often for summer is an untanned leather bag, but I wouldn’t like it as much in the winter.

      Burgundy/cordovan/merlot gets my vote.

      1. Plum. Cobalt. Deep orange and red. Duck egg sounds lovely!

        Whatever makes you happy!

  19. “There we’re generational and cultural shifts I just wanted aware of” – A. Cuomo speaking now on national TV….sorry that’s lame.

  20. Just found out we did not get a house we put a bid on – I knew it was only a moderate chance we would get it, but I could really envision myself in it and I am sad today. Thanks for letting me vent, that is all.

    1. It’s a mess! We bid on many “dream” houses until we got the one we ended up with – and I’m really happy where we landed. Best of luck!

    1. I absolutely CANNOT with this statement:

      “In my mind, I’ve never crossed the line with anyone,” Mr. Cuomo said. “But I didn’t realize the extent to which the line has been redrawn.”

      1. Yeah, that is absolutely absurd. It’s not the same as those cases where it’s more like “public opinion has shifted on a major issue, like whether women should register for the draft” – sexual assault was and has always been clear-cut, wrong, and worthy of condemnation.

    2. I want to give a shout out to the women who came forward. Reporting a public figure looks so hard, you immediately get thrown under a PR bus. Speaking of which, can the victim whose personnel file was leaked sue in New York for breach of privacy?

    3. My how the mighty have fallen… this time last year I thought I he would run for president (and do very well).

      1. Agree wholeheartedly. And to think he was my imaginary COVID zaddy at the beginning of the pandemic.

  21. I recently got a cute jersey dress from Poshmark that has an odor – kinda musty, not straight up cigarette smoke, but noticeable. I washed it with vinegar and regular detergent already and let it air dry but the smell is still there. Any other suggestions? Thanks!

    1. If it’s not a natural fiber I’d probably let it soak overnight. Sometimes polyester doesn’t absorb as much water so soaking it helps. You could also try Lysol laundry sanitizer.

    2. I’ve had great luck with an enzyme cleaner meant for pet smells. It was more to get out lingering BO or something but it worked where all the other recommended tricks didn’t. The brand I got is called Nature’s Miracle.

    3. I buy a lot from Poshmark that has serious ‘thrift store’ smell. I soak things in unscented Frebreze and then throw them in the wash. Frebreze is magic – it works wonders.

  22. This top doesn’t look like much in the small picture, but it’s quite lovely when you click through. I’m thinking about pulling the trigger on the navy one.

  23. The photos of this top look totally different in the navy v. in the “foam.” Foam is so much looser, sleeves are batwing virtually. Won’t buy on-line for this reason – not sure what I’d receive.

    1. Agreed- I like the navy but would need to order it in like 3 sizes to see if any of them fit as nicely as it does on the navy model. But items that are more than 40% off are final sale. Pass. (Posted this in Lauren’s thread too, but retailers with draconian policies don’t get my business. I’d seek this top out at department stores instead.) https://www.elietahari.com/pages/shipping-and-returns

    2. I think it’s the same top but they put the model in a larger size for the white one. Look how the navy just fits her hips, but the white one is very loose in that area.

      1. Yes, they did that because the shirt is very translucent in the foam color and would look indecent in a photo if it fit her. I like the navy a lot, though, and find myself shopping for lightweight sleeved shells for an upcoming jury trial in a warm climate (and desperately hoping it will be continued!).

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