Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Digby Open-Front Stretch-Wool Blazer

323 Comments

1. The thing about open front blazers is that, to me, they add so much bulk. I love this color but the shape isn’t flattering on the model, and wouldn’t be on my frame either. Is it just me?

   1. I agree. To me, open blazers look great on certain body types (not mine). The color, however, is gorgeous.

      1. Gorgeous color, I too need buttons or structure in a blazer for it to flatter me.

   2. It looks like it may be a bit too large for the model, or is not cut well. I agree they are not for everyone (nothing is) but open front blazers can be extremely flattering and not bulky. On me, with subtle vertical seaming to create waist definition, and definitely worn over a more fitted top than in the picture,, they create magically an hourglass shape. Also they are perfect for a third piece worn over a colour-matching top and bottom for a very polished look.

      In reality all my blazers are either open front or fitted blazers worn open. (Ditto for my cardigans to get the same look but a bit more casual).

      I think that’s a lovely blazer, just styled in a sort of haphazard way in the photo.

      1. Also, my understanding is that no one should ever button a jacket unless standing up to argue in court or walking I. Windy weather and perhaps in the process of getting married. Otherwise, how do you sit? Football commentators are always sitting in buttoned suit jackets and it looks bad and straining. Not sure how it would be otherwise for women except we have a species of jackets from the turn of the century that are the always-buttoned top to a skirt suit (see The Closer, all seasons), but that isn’t done much now.

         1. Don’t forget that you should also button your suit jacket to give the monologue when hosting a late-night show.

         2. Button when standing, unbutton when sitting. That’s what men have always done.

   3. The problem with this blazer is that it has no shaping, the sleeves are baggy, and it is too big for the model. Something like the J Crew Going Out blazer, which has a more defined shape, is much more flattering on all body types. For a boxy blazer to work, open-front or not, the cut and styling must be very intentional and the wearer must be very tall. This blazer just looks cheap and frumpy.

   4. This looks like what you’d wear to hide a Uterine Secret (or in my case: fibroids). I’ve seen better shaped open jackets that are shorter and fall in a less blocky way. This would be good for a Minecraft character though.

      On the fibroid front: has anyone had an ultrasound for seeing if any are there? I am on BCPs to deal with prior bleeding when fibroids weren’t suspected, but OB recommended doing one to check (there is some family history). If so, did you go the ablation route? I’m old enough not to care about impairing future fertility. [It could just be that I have COVID 15 vs fibroids and random other gynecological things going on.]

      1. I had an ultrasound which showed large fibroids. Eventually had uterine artery embolization (reduces blood flow to the uterus, basically starving the fibroids). Worked well, seemed like the least invasive procedure.

      2. Don’t know how old you are, but after menopause my fibroids shrank to the point they no longer bother me. So waiting it out might be an option.

      3. I had fibroids and a myomectomy. They were discovered via saline ultrasound. I have to say, the worst part of the whole process was the psychological aspect – thinking about surgery, etc. The ultrasound itself was uncomfortable, but not painful. I took some ibuprofen before it for my own comfort. The myomectomy was hysteroscopic and was… fine. The worst effect for me was constipation (TAKE STOOL SOFTENERS). I should say – I was asymptomatic so my experience may be milder than others. (I was having trouble getting pregnant and they discovered fibroids in the course of a routine exam.)

      4. I had an ultrasound and was told they would either do a hormonal intervention to shrink (I couldn’t take the hormones because of a past brain bleed) or to wait to see if it shrank. It fortunately shrank. Otherwise would have needed surgical removal.

   5. The polyester grandma pants with the seam down the front are not doing this outfit any favors.

   6. This whole outfit looks like it came from Kohl’s, not Nordstrom.

   7. This blazer and outfit are pretty bad, but I like open front blazers because I have huge b00bs and buttoning the front of a blazer just looks weird on me.

   8. Not for my body type, but the L 148 togs are really well made, so this could be great for someone else.

   9. I have an open front blazer from Express that I really like, and looks pretty good on me (at least, I think so), but maybe that was just an incredibly lucky find.

   10. Agree with others this is a fit on the model problem. Open front blazers can be very flattering if they fit well.

2. Got a relationship question –
   I know I have to just talk to him, but I want to know if I’m totally off base here. I started talking to a guy from a dating app about 1.5 months ago. Between work and holidays we’ve been on 3 in person but distanced dates, texted almost every day, and face timed a few times for 2-3 hrs at a time. Largely because of Covid, nothing physical. He’s told me he really likes meeting me, and I feel and have said the same. Is it too early to say anything about being exclusive or talk about whether we’re dating vs talking vs what?
   Now that I write it out it seems less serious than it seems to me, but I think it’s the texting every day and pretty consistently that is making it seem more serious to me. I’m usually not a big texter.
   Mid 20s, major east coast city, Im looking for a serious relationship and possibly marriage. I know he’s looking for a a serious relationship at least.

   1. Approach it as ‘I’d like to close some of the physical distance between us. But with covid, I’m not comfortable if you are also in a physical relationship with other people.’

      Distinguish between normal times vs covid times and it’s not weird to be exclusive.

      1. OP, do you mean you want to add him to your bubble before you’ll feel safe seeing him in person? If that’s the case, I would be very explicit about what you mean. It’s not just about whether he’s having a physical relationship with someone else, it’s about whether he is breathing the same air.

         1. I’ve seen him in person but distanced. Yeah, I would essentially want him in my bubble before we go indoors or do anything physical – in normal times I would have just kissed him the park we were walking in, but not right now.
            I know he’s WFH but has seen a few friends, also distanced

            Putting COVID aside though – is it way too early to have any kind of “what are we” talk? Would it be too early in normal times, after 3 dates and lots of texting?

            1. Yes. Way way dramatically too early in normal times to bring up a what are we talk after 3 days and no physical contact. You’re dating. That’s what you are.

               In covid times, reasonable to discuss that you’d like to take things inside/get physical but want to talk about who else you’re doing that with.

            2. Edit: meant 3 dates not days!

            3. Okay, that’s very helpful actually. I think I was confused about whether we were still at the annoying new-ish “talking” stage of online dating or actually dating. And the Covid vs regular distinction is helpful

            4. Agreed. I know COVID times make things weird, but from a pure “what are we” relationship to have that talk without kissing or anything is too soon. What if you don’t even have physical chemistry?

               But if it’s a safety thing like “can we safely be in each other’s bubbles so we can see where this goes?” that’s fair game.

   2. It’s completely reasonable to bring up exclusivity a month and a half into dating, COVID or no COVID. But you could mention that you realize it’s on the early side, and that COVID is a factor for bringing this up nowish rather than waiting a few more months.

      1. But when you haven’t even kissed? Or touched each other? I think at best you frame as a COVID conversation and I’d leave exclusivity out if it – like what are your terms for having a non-distanced date. At this point you’re basically messaging a person you’re interested in. If the tables were turned and someone proposed being exclusive, I’d run in the other direction.

         1. If a man talked to me about exclusivity before we’d even touched I’d laugh in his face and move on, it would be so strange and alarming.

3. If you had $400 to spend on yourself as a splurge, what would you buy? I’m thinking a smartwatch (any recs for Android users?) or some nice cashmere (also taking recs for good brands – I’ve never bought nice cashmere before). The Vuori joggers that Belle on CapHill Style recommended are also tempting. I’m open to other ideas, too. In normal times, I’d love a massage or spa day, but I’m in California and we are not opening up any time soon…sigh.

   1. In non-pandemic times, a tattoo.
      In pandemic times, a piece of art or earrings from the Memphis Metal Museum.

      1. yesterday while I was half asleep I was dreaming about new tattoos… I wish the damn pandemic would end for lots fo reasons, including that.

   2. What have you previously wanted to buy but talked yourself out of it because you didn’t really “need” it? For me, that would be fresh bedding just for the sake of a change, a pair of earrings I’ve been eyeing at Tiffany, or – honestly – a new set of everyday flatware.

   3. Garmin watches are just the best. Highly recommend. You could get one of those and the Vuori joggers for $400.

      1. My garmin is my favorite thing. I started with a Vivomove HR and when that died recently I got a Vivomove Style. They have a number of different designs and price points. I couldn’t be without it now.

      2. If you want an exercise smart watch, I strongly recommend checking out Coros watches. The battery life far surpasses Garmin, Suunto, and the rest and they are lower cost with just as many fun bells and whistles. I LOVE my Coros Apex. I had a different brand before and barely used it, but I almost never take my Coros off.

   4. I wouldn’t get pricey cashmere if you’ve never had it before. I’ve worn cashmere for years, know all the care rules, and still manage to shrink all of my sweaters accidentally.

   5. I got the cashmere joggers and hoodie from MM LaFleur and they’re amazing in WFH times. total will be ~$490 though not on sale.

      1. Oooh…. nice. Would the joggers work for a pear shape? I am an extreme pear infortunately, so unless they are cut generously they would probably not work for me because they wont stretch as much in the butt as other traditional jogger fabrics. I’m such an extreme pear shape that no MM LaFLeur dresses work for me, unfortunately.

         Tx!

   6. I love my galaxy watch. It works seamlessly with my Google Pixel (Android) phone, and has the same functionality as an apple watch but looks a little more jewelry-like versus computer-on-your-wrist than the iphone. I just got the Galaxy buds and I’m enjoying those too.

   7. I’d get something other than joggers in cashmere, since likelihood of pilling wherever they experience friction is high (between legs or bottom area from sitting). A sweater or wrap seems like it would last longer.

   8. Jewelry, probably fancy earrings or a right-hand ring.

   9. Fancy new bedding or jewelry.

   10. A friend recently bought a Theragun for home massage and I’m considering the same.

       1. I know someone who fractured their foot with one of those, I’d tread with caution….

   11. Oh, another thought – you could get a whole lotta houseplants for $400.

   12. I want a Dyson hairdryer which is $400 and I’m saving up from all my 2021 poshmark sales to buy myself one (I’m already more than 25% there!)

       Can highly recommend the Vuori joggers – I have 2 pairs, had an issue with a seam coming undone on the waistband on one pair, reached out to the company and they sent me a brand new pair in 2 days. Husband has several pairs and we’ve gifted them to all our extended family. They wear and wash really well, are super soft and very very comfy.

   13. I love my Vuori joggers, which awesomely come in tall!

4. Can anyone recommend a good florist in Mountain Brook/Birmingham, AL? My closest friend has just lost her dad and I’d like to send something today. TIA

   1. Maybe check Yelp for that zip code?

   2. Norton’s Florist is who we used for prom, etc. growing up. Also just googled “florist Birmingham” and everything that came up is a name I still recognize as somewhere good/reputable. (Haven’t really lived there for about 15 years.)

   3. Wild Things is a woman-operated florist and does gorgeous work. It is located in Homewood, Alabama. Norton’s is also good.

   4. Thanks for your suggestions! I think Norton’s might have been the florist I used when she had her last baby, but that was many years ago.

5. What are your recommendations for clarifying shampoo? I currently use the Kirkland moisturizing shampoo & conditioner from Costco daily. I have used the Neutrogena clarifying shampoo in the past, but wondering if you have suggestions for other brands. My hair is fine with a bit of wave and gets dry at the ends, oily at the roots.

   1. Tbh I’ve liked the basic suave one a lot, and it’s a huge, cheap bottle. I also generally really like the Neutrogena one. I usually don’t use a clarifying shampoo daily, but I have done so with the suave one occasionally and it has been fine. My hair type is similar to yours

   2. Your hair sounds like mine and I happened upon the Kenra clarifying shampoo just because my stylist used it and I thought it smelled amazing.

   3. My hair sounds like yours and I use Suave. Usually I use a conditioning version but I also have a clarifying for when it needs it. I just don’t think my hair needs anything fancier in shampoo than that

      1. Same hair, and nothing works better than Suave.

      2. Late to the party but another vote for cheapie Sauve.

   4. Similar hair to yours. I use the Paul Mitchell Clarifying #2 once per week, and follow it with a moisturizing hair mask (Verb if that matters). This combination seems to work really well for me.

   5. I have super oily hair and super hard water and the combination leads to terrible buildup, so I have to use some sort of clarifying shampoo daily or at least every other day. I used to use the Aubrey Organics green tea clarifying/oily hair shampoo, but they changed it a couple years ago and it stopped working. The Neutrogena one is okay, but not quite enough, the Suave one dries out my hair too much to use daily. Recently I switched to the Love Beauty & Planet Sulfate Free Clarifying Shampoo Charcoal & Bergamot shampoo, and it’s been working really well. I’m sensitive to scents, but this smells nice without being overpowering and lingering all day. More expensive than Suave, but still pretty reasonably priced.

   6. My stylist once told me that I didn’t need to buy a “clarifying shampoo” and that I should just change up the type and brand of shampoo every few washes. She said clarifying shampoos can be drying and strip the hair shaft/scalp and she told me just change up my shampoo every few washes. I shower every morning and wet my hair but only use shampoo every 3-4 washes, but I use conditioner every day. One morning I’ll shampoo using a moisturizing shampoo, the next time I’ll use one for color-treated hair and the next time I’ll use one with keratin that supposed to help smooth my hair. Seems to be working for me.

   7. I like the Aveda Rosemary and mint for this purpose.

      1. +1

         Same.

   8. I like the Ion one for hard water.

   9. Christophe Robin scalp scrub

      1. I love that scrub.

   10. Super oily straight hair here- i use the suave shampoo then only put my fancy conditioner on the ends and work it up. Curly headed women claim hair looks best when it hasn’t been washed for a few days- my hair needs to be washed daily or im an oil bomb.

   11. Suave Daily Clarifying. I picked it because CGM recommends it.

   12. Apple Cider Vinegar!

       I struggled for *years* with build-up, and tried so many clarifying shampoos, scrubbing my scalp like crazy, other stylist recommendations, etc. but nothing worked. My hair still looked greasy and felt gross. In a fit of frustrated g00gling, I came across the suggestion to use ACV as a clarifier and it worked great! I used my normal shampoo, rinse, put a capful (so a pretty small amount) of ACV on my roots & conditioner on my ends, and rinse again. I’ve been using this method for 13+ years and my hair looks and feels wonderful. Truly a game changer.

   13. Thanks everyone!

6. Can you help me with advice – how do you engage when being headhunted? What are typical conversations, with whom, how confidential are they, what to ask about, what is “the etiquette”? Also how do you judge, when it’s the competition doing it, if it’s a genuine opportunity or they are jus trying to screw your current employer? I’ve always found my own positions but am being headhunted in earnest now for the first time and feel anxious and out of my element.

   Context: I am a consultant with a lot of experience and currently middle management in a boutique (non law) firm. I am being headhunted by two companies so far. One also boutique, reached out for a similar job which I have a non compete and cant do, then pivoted a few months later to a broader job which I could probably do with my noncompete. The other is a big-4, an in-house recruiter reached out and said I was specifically identified by managers (there are several possibilities who those cam be), the job he describes might be sufficiently distanced from what I do to comply with the noncompete and wants to have an “informal conversation”.

   Also – I do believe in my own value, but am quite aware that these two companies would likely benefit if I left where I am. Noone is irreplaceable but it would hurt my employer’s expansion plans, and help theirs, if I simply left. How do I gauge they really want me for me and not for that reason? Should it even matter?

   I am willing to have a conversation to find out more – what do I ask them? What would you ask? How do I even approach this?

   I am happy where I am for now and not actively looking but I know I tend to overplay it safe and stay put, and am wondering if my career long term will be hurt by not at least having these conversations. If I do talk to them, what do I ask and what are typical next steps? If I turn them away politely now (or after the first conversation) does that burn my bridges with them for other positions in the future?

   1. I am skeptical that you are so important that your departure would benefit a competitor that much. If you were, you’d know the answers to your own questions already.

      1. I will take that as encouragement that the interest is genuine. Do you have any specific advice on the questions I asked – I would appreciate it?

         My “importance” as you call it, comes from niche expertise + client relationships, quite unrelated to experience with interviewing. I have built a successful career by a few very well considered applications (always accepted) and have interviewed literally very very few times in my entire life, stayed long in jobs and come from a different culture where headhunting just doesn’t happen + loyalty to employers is huge. I’ve adapted well so far to Americal culture but this aspect is genuinely new and foreign to me. Would appreciate help navigating this.

         Wrote this explaining why someone mid-career might ask questions more typical of a 20 year old, if others rhatn the poster above are wondering.

         1. Take the call, listen, ask them to tell you about the position, if you’re interested go interview for it, if you’re not, tell them that now isn’t the right time for a move but you’re open to continuing the conversation in the future.

         2. First, loyalty to your company is NOT a value that is reciprocated in the US, so while it’s fine to appreciate your team, your employer, enjoy your work, etc. do not ever forget that your company is not loyal to you and will happily fire you if they decide to go in a different direction. I would strongly suggest you read the Ask a Manager posts on interviewing questions (she had a series a few years ago that was great) and included very practical advice especially on how to negotiate salary. Also don’t forget that if they are coming to YOU it is a great opportunity to focus on getting the answers to how well these firms will be a good fit for you. Do you like the culture? Are there clear paths to promotion? Do you like the team you’d be sitting in? Etc. Also – start gathering salary/benefit information so you know what you can negotiate for!

   2. You’re being really paranoid. They are recruiting you because they want you.

   3. From the way you wrote this up, you seem fairly young (early in your mid-career–like 30)– and I’m only pointing this out because I recognize that I felt how you feel now one or two career moves ago. Apologies if I’m way off based here. But assuming I’m close– you are being paranoid. Organizations are not using headhunters to find out their competitor’s dirty secrets. They are at worst poaching good employees with expertise/connections in an area they want to get into.

      If you are interested in a new job, respond to the headhunters and listen to their pitch. You don’t have to give away state secrets! If it sounds interesting, you can progress from there. This is networking. You don’t have to be actively looking to hear someone out.

      Even if you have a non compete, there is nothing that says you can’t take a call from a recruiter. If they ask you weirdly confidential sounding questions, just tell them to have a nice day and hang up. I doubt that will happen, though.

   4. A headhunter’s ultimate currency is their reputation, including the trust they have between candidates and headhunter. If the firm is reputable at all, confidentiality will be strictly adhered to.

      Also, this is all very common. Have a phone call, figure out if it’s a fit and go from there. Talking to a headhunter/recruiter happens all day everyday, by people at your current firm too. I think you’re overthinking it a bit and you should just have the conversation, if nothing else for your own market research for your current position.

   5. Keep telling them you’re happy where you are. This is important because it keeps the salary pressure up – they will have to lure you away – and you’re a more desirable candidate when you appear to be happy where you are and not running away from a problem. Also, industries can be small and gossipy, so if word reaches your current employer that you were talking to another firm, it’s better that they hear you were happy and being heavily recruited.

7. My last clothing purchases have been from Cabela’s (hiking socks, warmer hat) and Eddie Bauer (fleece-lined pants). I don’t even know what season I will next need workwear for and suspect that I will have to DUST my winter clothes before putting them away.

   My life is like the Jersey Shore’s Gym, Tan, Laundry, but with no gym and no tanning. Just laundry.

   Re hats: is it possible to wear hats and not wreck your hair? A too-big one isn’t very warm. Half of the beanies out there don’t fully cover my ears. In prior office years, I wasn’t outside enough to care much. My coat’s hood is a good hood, but it gives me tunnel vision and I have to move my head back and forth before crossing the street, so I think a hat would be better. Maybe be like the hipsters and just keep it on 24/7, even if inside?

   1. I find that a knit beret wrecks my hair the least.

   2. A warm headband can be a good option too.

      1. +1 I like the fleece headbands that cover the ears and the back of the neck. They don’t mess up the hair too much and are warm.

         For hat head after wearing a beanie, I usually switch to a ponytail or claw clip updo for the rest of the day.

   3. I wear earmuffs (mine happen to be Uggs brand from years ago but whatever) and that’s been fine for me. And of course no impact on hair (though admittedly I just have straight shoulder length hair).

      1. Yes this. My brother is concerned about messing up his hair and swears by the earmuffs that wrap around the back of the head.

   4. I haven’t tried one myself, but I’ve seen knit beanies that are lined in smooth fabric (satin or silk). They might snag less, but I think any hat is going to squash your hair a little.

   5. You must chill about clothes. I am not sure why dressing for outside has become a fixation, but please consider seeking some help. There is no shame at all, especially during the year we’ve all had, in needing a little extra help on the mental health side.

      1. Why on earth is a hat question leading to mental health advice?

         1. We have had constant questions about outdoor gear for months, I suspect from the same person who seems to have extreme anxiety about what to wear for outside activities. It’s getting really tiresome.

            1. The only thing tiresome here is you. For the love of all that is holy get a life or a hobby or learn how to collapse.

            2. This. It’s not the frequency of outdoor questions (I love the outdoors!), but there is a poster with a very distinct style asking these questions in a very particular way and it’s getting kind of sad.

      2. I don’t think this is the same person.

      3. Hey Anon at 9:56, stop tossing passive aggressive suggestions people should get therapy at people who are just seeking help buying all the new crap we have been buying to survive gym closures and outdoor dining. Posters last year helped me a lot with recommendations for new athletic shoes, hiking boots and snowshoes.

         1. I’m definitely going outside in conditions that I would never go outside in, but for the pandemic. I find these threads very helpful.

            1. You didn’t know how to wear a hat before this year?

            2. Before this year there were posts about all kinds of things that people just wanted a wider perspective on. Why is this any different than someone asking where to buy pants.

            3. I don’t need a hat to spend 30 seconds walking from my office to my car. Going to a park with my kid when it is 30 degrees outside is a different story.

               I bought ear muffs for the first time last month, after learning that my head and hair are too big for standard size hats apparently.

            4. Geez. Just yesterday Kat or Elizabeth (not sure which) put up a post about a cute hat that she’d bought for $15 and was happy with. That doesn’t mean that she was completely flummoxed by winter wear, it just means she wanted to share a cute hat. Coincidentally in my diet/exercise FB group people have been sharing hat ideas. It doesn’t mean mental health issues, good grief.

      4. Dude the person who needs to chill is you. If you don’t like a topic, collapse it or scroll past. I don’t know why you think you get to self-appoint in as the hall monitor here, but you don’t have the votes to keep the position. Move along.

         1. +1

   6. Any hat that has enough grip to stay on your head is going to squish your hair. I just use my coat’s hood – the minor inconvenience of turning my head to look both ways is worth it to avoid (a) buying more stuff and (b) hat hair.

   7. You could go full on Queen Elizabeth and wear a silk scarf. That’s why she does it. Bonus: you get to buy silk scarves.

      1. Lol I’m not the OP but I am so into this

         1. Ooh me too. I always loved the idea of wearing a scarf and sunglasses in a convertible, 1960s style. Then my husband got a convertible and I tried it. On me it’s more Russian grandma than Jackie o, unfortunately.

   8. Eh, I figure it’s month 10 of pandemic, my hair is not my key priority. Also, my office is in the conservatory so I wear a hat and scarf most of the time anyways.

      1. I would love a conservatory. Is it like a greenhouse? I would also love that but maybe they are the same thing (except conservatory is in Clue and greenhouse isn’t?).

         1. It’s what my midwestern relatives would call a sun room? We also have a greenhouse. Which is why I let my husband convince me to buy this slightly weird granny chic house. We just moved in December so I’m looking forward to lots of “actual” gardening.

   9. I loathe hats, and so wear knit headbands and earmuffs.

   10. Just wear the hat – it’s ok if your hair doesn’t look picture perfect all the time. Your hair also probably looks fine after you take the hat off, no one is looking that closely.

       1. +1 Seriously, hat hair is really not that big of a deal. People have worn hats for literally millennia, I think OP can figure out a way to do it.

   11. Would a small spray bottle of water be sufficient to re-fluff your hair after wearing a hat?

   12. Cashmere is warm even when oversize. If you get a slightly large cashmere beanie with an upturned brim you’ll be all right.

8. We don’t talk sports on this board a lot, but I just gotta say GO BROWNS!!! I’ve been a season ticket member (their term for it) since 1995 and have seen a LOT of bad football. Please join me in basking in the glow this morning.

   1. In ordinary times this would be a nice story, but nobody should be playing football right now.

      1. Right? I hate football in normal times but leave others who love it to enjoy it (but criticism of its inherent violence and protection of domestic abusers is fair game). Right now we should all be speaking out against football so kids can go back to school and people can stop dying.

      2. They should not be playing. Watching Myles Garrett struggle for breath after every play hurts me. But I can’t stop him and I can’t stop the team. Not even the Head Coach being sidelined for the game because he has coronavirus can stop them.

         But they are playing anyway. And I am sitting in my basement and this is one of the few bright spots in this godforesaken year. Thanks for raining on my parade.

         1. You can enjoy it privately, but when you come here to post things, you know that other people are going to have different opinions and we are allowed to call out an incredibly irresponsible occurrence (football in a pandemic), even if you personally like it. There is a difference between this site and a gratitude journal. I’ve had the same thing happened to me and I just move on.

         2. They should not be playing, but they insist so let’s make it a feel-good story? No. Just no. Stop giving these people the encouragement they are looking for. What’s wrong is wrong.

            Our school district was going for the feel-good story by insisting on being the only district around that played winter sports. A week into tryouts, pretty much every team is quarantined due to exposure during practice. So much for that feel-good story.

         3. I’m happy for you! I would be excited too! The people on here are nuts sometimes.

   2. Very impressive Browns! Amazing first quarter! Not sure what’s wrong with these anti-football posters trying to rain on the parade…bunch of negative Nellies. Come on stop with the doomsday

      1. Uh, not anti-football. Just against the wanton spreading of a deadly virus for no good reason.

         1. My college football team won a bowl this year and I derived very little joy from it because a) football is nothing even remotely essential anyway and b) it bothers me greatly about the resources that were deployed to make sure the football players were safe. This is a reasonably elite university, not some dumb football school, so it was even more galling.

      2. My favorite reality show of all was the first night of the NFL draft this year. G-d bless football and every one of us.

      3. They aren’t anti-football, they’re anti-everything that doesn’t involve sitting in their house watching TV. It’s going to be fascinating, watching what happens when the Mole People surface this summer, blinking in the harsh light of day, wondering how to navigate the world because life isn’t a live-action episode of Bridgerton. The combination of proudly self-professed extreme isolation coupled with the fanatic adulation of escapist television tells me almost everything I need to know about these folks.

         1. Found the poster who was in DC on Wednesday!

         2. LOL what a bizarre hot take.

         3. With you on that…love the “Mole People” ….hahaha …these people thrive on negativity and that’s the last thing we need in 2021…too bad they keep dragging down this blog

            1. No, the last thing we need is more people describing the real problem in this country as “negativity.” It’s so intellectually lazy. It’s like how a twelve-year-old girl would describe the impact of a global pandemic.

   3. Yes Browns!! I just finished watching all the highlight clips I could find lol. So happy for them – the Browns is the Browns!

   4. Same! Go Browns!! I’m only sad that my father, who held season tickets since 1996 and died this past year, isn’t here to see it. I’ve been a fan since 1980 and the Brian Sipe years!

   5. It was fun to watch! Congrats to the BROWNS!!!

   6. Nick Chubb is amazing. What a talent.

      1. +100 (also, Go Dawgs!).

   7. Congrats! It’s so nice when your team does well!

9. I am working on revamping our hiring processes at my small company (which is long overdue). We really need a standard evaluation template that helps remove biases and ensures that everyone is evaluated on an equal footing. One issue I’ve had, though, is that I’m not sure how to phrase/capture those “vibes” you get from really qualified candidates. There have been 2-4 candidates in my history of hiring (at multiple jobs) where you just KNOW they’re going to be successful. They have that charisma, they exude competence, they have the experience and can explain exactly how it translates to your workplace, they speak confidently but don’t come off as blustering – know what I mean? They’re those rare candidates where there’s just no doubt in your mind about what your recommendation will be. Each time, I’ve recommended those candidates for hire (all women!) and they turned out to be either full-blown rockstars or at the very least, very highly competent and successful. However, I’m aware that going off of “vibes” is ripe for bias and I certainly don’t want that. How can I standardize this/reevaluate this type of candidate using some kind of standard metric? Should I be focusing on evaluating soft skills, like “evidence of initiative-taking” or “demonstrates ability to juggle tasks under pressure?” What has worked for you? I’d hate to lose out on those candidates where you just “know” it’s going to work out simply because it’s hard to capture soft skills in a standardized metric.

   1. Wouldn’t that all fall under something like ‘professional presence’? That is also the bread and butter of media training/message training firms. Some suggestions are might be ‘the ability to quickly grasp, and explain (concisely, and without condescension) elements of a methodology or approach to various stakeholders. Or for competence/charisma that would perhaps fall under relationship building – ‘the individual naturally invests in business relationships, and demonstrates dedication to better understanding what drives clients/stakeholders and consistently brings forward clear/actionable/insightful ideas and suggestions to move projects along.

   2. Most of that will be captured in your other metrics:
      Is the candidate able to understand how his/her experience translates into this job description?
      Does the candidate understand the limitations of his/her experience? (“Confident but not blustering” people are those who are able to say: this job requires A, B, C, and D; I have a lot of experience with A, B, and D; here’s my plan for C. People who are full of s== fall apart when asked questions about what they do not know.)

      At the end, have an open-ended section for general impressions.

      1. Thanks for the response. I’m concerned that leaving the “soft skills” for the open-ended section at the end could do too little to combat bias. We are currently dealing with a perception that we hired an extremely qualified candidate for her “whiteness” so I feel that I need to take this extra seriously.

         I do like the idea of doing something with “does the candidate clearly explain how his/her experience translates to the job description,” perhaps on a Likert scale.

         1. I would exercise caution when making an entirely new system because of something that happened in one circumstance that was likely not merited (e.g., complaining about a good hire because she’s Caucasian). You’ll end up with a system that does not work; when people ask why it was done, the response will be that it was reactionary.

            Develop a good system. Have multiple people interview each candidate.

   3. At Amazon we catch these with the leadership principles.

      1. On this note, do some research on the Amazon hiring process. These “vibes” need to be documented with data points that you pick up when you really focus on a substantial question where you set the candidate up to be able to do into depth in their answer.

         There is always one person involved in the interview tasked with identifying bias and placing more emphasis on the data points collected versus the vibes felt.

         1. Thanks, Walnut :) this 100%!

   4. Our company uses a set of “values” questions to assess these soft skills. They’re behavioral questions with a set of indicators on a 1-4 scale. We ask about helping a teammate improve, receiving constructive feedback, a different opinion than a co-worker, making trade-offs on projects, etc., with the ability to dig into more detail as needed. The scoring rubric is quite detailed, with indicators like repeatable process, forward-looking mindset, details vs. platitudes, etc. Of course, everyone will say they love feedback and of course they take it well! But are the examples just surface-level? Do they say what they changed based on the feedback? Of course, everyone will talk about time and budget constraints and trade-offs, but do they talk about how they gathered cross-team feedback, looked at customer impact, communicated internally and externally about the decision? These are the details we care about, depending on the role. We have a distinct focus on the people and the way we work vs. just how we work, so if someone only talks about rigid processes or technology to solve problems, that’s usually a red flag. If they only talk about themselves, with no mention of their peers or other teams, that’s usually a red flag. This is even more true for leadership roles, the ratio of “I” to “we” or “the team” can be telling in terms of their priorities. I find that the good “vibes” are usually backed up by detailed explanations, some sort of framework that they use, and/or referencing books or other experts for why they used a certain tactic. We try to specifically avoid talking about being “articulate” or “energetic”, since those tend to be more biased.

      1. This is a great answer.

      2. Great answer. I’d also add, consistency in what you ask candidates is really important so everyone has a chance to demonstrate the skills / experience that you have deemed important. Someone’s resume might not make clear that they are great at but if you ask them, maybe their answer will blow you away.

      3. This is how we handle it too. We label the questions on the interviewer guide with the values we’re trying to get at, and we ask a lot of follow-up questions to get more detail and give the candidate a chance to tell us what we want to hear.

         We see a lot of candidates who appear “articulate” or “energetic” but turn out not to have any real knowledge or skills. The older generation is easily impressed with the big personalities, and as a younger member of the hiring committee I find the behavioral questions very useful in pushing back when the old folks want to hire someone who’s all talk and no substance.

         1. The hiring partner at my old firm, years ago, used to talk about a candidate needing to show both “magic” and “horsepower.” It’s easy to get blinded by the first and forget to dig for the second.

   5. Thanks for the responses, everyone!!

10. If anyone hasn’t seen Arnold Schwarzenegger’s viral video from the weekend yet, I highly recommend watching it. That’s what Republican leadership, courage, and conscience should look like. Google it and it’ll show up right away. Spoiler: January 6 was our Kristallnacht.

    1. His speech was really moving. On a different note, as a German I am always surprised when I read the term Kristallnacht, as it is no longer used in Germany but a quick google search reveals that it is still the word used in English.

       From the Jewish Museum in Berlin:
       “The term Kristallnacht (or Reichskristallnacht), meaning Night of Crystal (i.e., broken glass), as the non-Jewish majority called the acts of terror, is generally avoided in German today because it is a euphemism. It only references the physical damage, specifically broken windows and crystal chandeliers. The word “night” (the -nacht in Kristallnacht) is also misleading because the violent acts continued by the light of day. Internationally, particularly in English, Kristallnacht is an established term.”

       1. Yeah, it is definitely how those events are referred to in English and if you used another term people wouldn’t know what you’re talking about.

       2. How did I write an entire undergraduate dissertation on Vergangenheitsbewältigung and not learn until now that the term Kristallnacht is no longer used in German?! The way in which the crimes of the NS-era are referred to in Germany, Austria, and the Anglosphere are totally different. It really surprised me, for example, when in Vienna at the end of 2019 to see that the memorial in the Zentralfriedhof (central cemetery) to those who died fighting for a free Austria is dated 1934-1945 – I would have assumed it would read 1938-45, but it starts with the assassination of Engelbert Dollfuss/ the Austria Civil War, which I wasn’t even aware of until that visit.

          1. I have a (dusty) degree in German, studied mostly with a professor who specializes in depictions of the Holocaust in fiction, and I also did not know this!

       3. +1.

       4. What do they call it? Kristallnacht is the only term we use for this in English. So interesting. I definitely was taught that it was more than one night of broken glass though.

          1. We call it Reichsprogromnacht.
             This is the link where I copied the text above, it has more information.

             https://www.jmberlin.de/en/topic-9-november-1938

             1. Or just Progrom if you want to avoid the “Nacht” as it limits the events to one night.

          2. Yeah I was taught all about what it was and how it took place over a while, and basically that Kristallnacht was just a symbolic name for it.

       5. My DH is Austrian like AS and he also refers to Kristallnacht.

          On the points in the video, knowing many people and hearing their stories of what their parents lived through – I 100% agree with Arnold. The parallels are frightening. The level of mass delusion/lying /blaming ‘others’ is disturbingly similar.

          1. I read some essays about Hannah Arendt over the weekend and the parallels are beyond disturbing. It actually makes me speechless and sick to my stomach.

             1. Highly suggest umberto eco’s essay: ur-fascism. He grew up in mussolinis italy and has some of the most insightful work on how democracy turns into fascism

             2. Link?

       6. Anon, fellow German here and yes, it was strange to hear this term.

          1. Learn something new everyday! I have spent years living in Germany as an adult, am fluent, and studied at a German uni and didn’t know this!

    2. My husband sometimes leaves the house without telling me where he’s going if he’s only going to be gone a short while (99% of the time he’s moving the car for alternate side parking). But since this is the only time he does this, I know where he is going.

       1. Is Arnold your husband and was he filming this excellent video while you just thought he was going out to his car?

    3. I had no idea about the use (or not of Kristallnacht). Thanks to all who contributed.

       Also: As a Californian I have had my issued with Arnold, but this speech brought me to tears.

11. There were a lot of discussions about controlling spouses/partners before the holidays and they have me wondering: When do you consider your/a spouse to be (too?) controlling?
    Is it asking “Who are you texting?” while you sit next to each other on the couch? Asking “Where are you headed to?” when they leave the house?
    What is the line between normal spousal checking in and controlling (tendencies)?

    1. I would be kind of surprised if my spouse didn’t ask where I was going when I left the house, tbh.

       1. Right? Like I’d worry we were living parallel lives. I often share my location on Whatsapp if I’m out for a walk/cycle ride, etc. But I guess if there was already a controlling dynamic, that question would be intrusive.

          1. Yeah, I actually installed a location sharing app on my Android phone so that my spouse could track me when I’m running or cycling, just bc I worry about getting hit by a car. The most common reason he checks it is actually to see how close I am to coming back so he can time dinner, ha.

    2. I would definitely tell my husband where I was going if I left him in the house.
       He regularly asks who I’m texting and I tell him. I don’t have anything to hide.

    3. Both of those things seem normal to me (particularly leaving the house!). It would cross to controlling IMHO if they wanted to read the texts, want you to constantly check in while you’re out, etc.

    4. It would be really weird to leave the house without giving your spouse a general idea of where you were going and when you’d be back.

       1. +1. I think I have left the house and not told my spouse where I was going…never? However, he has tried to stop me also never if that answers your question.

       2. Yes, this would feel like silent treatment to me or like “storming off.” It wouldn’t feel normal at all.

       3. Ha, the only times this happens in our house is when one of us is trying to surprise the other. And it’s super obvious and super awkward, like intentionally waiting until the spouse is in the shower or just started doing a messy chore, and then yelling from outside, “I’m going out for a while, ok bye!” and running off. Or asking the other spouse to leave the house for a few hours/interrogating them on how long they’ll be gone, usually near a birthday or anniversary, and then confirming over and over again. Again, unusual, super obvious cadence, and ending with a lovely surprise dinner or clean house upon return.

          1. Same here. I hate it when my husband asks who I am texting. “Your sister.” “Why?” “Because we are discussing your birthday present.” So annoying.

       4. Agree. If I’m getting in the car and leaving I always say something to my husband and vice versa. These days I’m just going to the store or picking up carryout food.

          I don’t ever ask who he’s texting, because I don’t see his phone screen to even know what he’s doing. Maybe he’s just posting a comment somewhere. I don’t care what he does on his phone.

    5. DH or I would definitely ask each other if we were just sitting around and someone was texting a bunch. And maybe it’s weird to randomly leave the house and not tell your spouse where you are going. I might say ‘doing some shopping’ vs a detailed list of stores but weird to not have a rough idea where your partner is.

       1. Same here.

       2. +1 I would say that my spouse and I are more on the private/independent end of the spectrum, but I’ll ask who he’s texting or volunteer who I’m texting if we’re sitting around and it’s obviously a full text convo, not just a text here or there, mostly because I think it’s polite, not because we’re really entitled to know. And it would be weird if either of us just left the house without saying anything. We might also say “going to run errands,” but honestly we’re usually only that vague if we’re going shopping for a gift for the other person, lol.

       3. Same here. Controlling red flags would be be telling me I couldn’t go where I intended or to stop texting, or asking what we are texting about/prying in to a personal convo.

       4. Same. If we are sitting on the sofa watching tv and one person is typing away, we will jokingly say who are you texting. Honestly 9/10 it is our moms. There’s always something cute to tell them about the baby, and they are bored and stuck at home like us. I’m the only one who gets after hours work stuff, so occasionally I will be responding to e-mails, but I let him know if it’s work.
          We always say where we are going when we leave the house and about how long it will be until we are home. This is especially true if we are out exercising (biking for him, running for me) for safety reasons. I don’t think either of these is controlling behavior at all, but tone matters.

    6. i always ask my spouse where he is going, though usually i dont have to ask, he volunteers the information and visa versa. i would think it would be strange if he didn’t know. i mean i guess sometimes i’ll go run errands after work and he doesn’t ask exactly where i am going and i dont volunteer unless i think he might want or need something from one of those places. same thing with texting – usually I’m the one asking him who he is texting not bc i really care to know, but bc i think he is too addicted to his phone and would like him to be a bit more present sometimes. with all of these questions – tone matters a lot. i think the same question could be indicative of controlling behavior all depending on tone and frequency and what happens after you ask the question

       1. Agree that I don’t really ask/volunteer information about whereabouts during the workday – I would only really ask/volunteer the information if one of us was leaving from the house. And completely agree about the tone – that makes all the difference here.

    7. I don’t think it is controlling to ask who your spouse is texting – I have done that many times as has my husband. Just general curiousity and something to talk about! Also not weird to ask where someone is going. But I think it can be controlling to say who they can or cannot text and where they can or cannot go, within reason. I don’t think it is black and white – depends on the context.

    8. For me checking in is basic decency. Tone matters though….accusatory questioning would be the tip-off for control.

       1. This. The reason behind it is what is important to me. We share locations on iphone. We started doing that because my husband works in a rural part of the state going into people’s houses, alone. He wants me to be able to see where he is if I haven’t heard from in awhile. I also use it to not text him when he’s at someone’s house.

          If I randomly just said “hey, I want to track your location at all times” that would sound creepy and controlling. The conversation we had made it not creepy and controlling.

          He also appreciates it for when I’m running or skiing alone to be able to see I’m still moving and not have to bug me with an “are you still alive?” text. If you don’t want to give full access to someone, you can also accomplish this with the Road ID app (free) which will notify them if you stop moving for a certain period of time.

          1. +1. As an outdoorsy person, I’ve grown up with the message “you must tell someone where you’re going in case of an accident” drilled into my head. It would be very weird and unsafe to disappear from the house for a long ski without telling your spouse/roommate.

    9. We have little kids so we definitely communicate and coordinate about leaving the house, where we are going, and when we will be back. I don’t generally ask who he is texting unless he’s laughing out loud about it or I can tell he’s upset or angry-texting back and forth with someone.

    10. I would think it would be weird not to give my spouse a heads up when I leave the house and would be pretty annoyed if they just left without telling me (or giving me an idea when they’d be back). I also have access to my husband’s phone passcode and vice versa so we’re not super hung up on ‘privacy!’ but neither of us will read the other’s email/text messages unless we’re shown them, and we will regularly take personal calls (with family, friends, etc.) in private (more so we can discuss adult things, curse, etc. without a small child listening in).

    11. My husband and I almost never ask who the other is texting. It would be VERY weird for one of us to leave the house and not tell the other where we were going.

        But it’s all about tone. If the tone asking about the texting is accusatory or suspicious, than that borders on controlling.

        If the tone is accusatory or suspicious when they ask where are you going when you are leaving the house, then frankly that’s probably warranted a little because as almost everyone has indicated it is pretty weird to just up and leave your house without giving your partner an idea of where you are going.

    12. Those questions are normal. A controlling spouse responds to answers to those questions with anger or opposition.

        A controlling spouse will do things like demand to see the texts. He will refuse to let you discuss your problems with your friends. He will try to cut you off from your friends. He will get mad when you are five minutes “late.” (I once dated someone who literally called the state police when I was 15 minutes late on a three-hour trip; this was before cell phones.) He will get mad when you have male friends or co-workers.

    13. My husband and I always give each other a general idea of where we are going when we leave the house. Sometimes it’s vague, like “I have some errands to run,” but it would be weird to just leave without saying anything.

        We also ask each other regularly who we are texting/talking to, just as a matter of curiosity I guess. It’s usually followed by something like “how are they doing” or “say hi for me.” We never read each other’s messages or emails – that would definitely be crossing a line.

        1. I usually text my DH if I am leaving the house (esp if he is in his office/on a call). He never leaves the house so…lol! I also sometimes ask him who he’s texting if we’re on the couch after putting the kids to bed…it is always work related.

    14. As a single person, it was pretty jarring to think that living with an SO means another person keeps tabs on you. It’s easy to say in the abstract, I DO WHAT I WANT.

        But living with someone means you get used to their habits. If you’re usually home by 6 every day and one day you’re not, that’s a little concerning. Then I turn on the news and see a crushed [his make model color car] on the freeway, and he’s not answering texts/calls, I’m going to get frantic. And no this isn’t just anxiety – my friends and I learned of a friend’s death because we saw his car on the news. I think it’s common courtesy to let your SO know you’re not dead, but I was accused of being controlling for that. I think men hear this “ball and chain” narrative so many times and from so many of their friends, anything that comes close to confirming the narrative means you’re the problem.

    15. So much of this is tone. Innocently asking “what’s up? Who are you texting?” Is common in my house. like “what’s interesting you right now?” /“what’s up in your world?” Not in a need-to-know/permission granting sort of way.

    16. Both of your examples can be (too) controlling. You cannot tell based on those examples if somebody is controlling. Why? You get the reason in these other answers, which is that normal behavoiur/expectations/social conventions are EXPLOITED by controlling and abusive people.

        The controller KNOWS the social expectation and uses it against the victim. They would say «see?! All your friends think this is normal, I’m the good person why don’t you trust me (aka you’re a bad person)»

        If your instinct says something is wrong, this is too much/intense/violation of privacy – it most probably is.

        1. I think it depends on the genders of the controller/controlled person. Our perception is filtered through social narratives. If a woman’s gut is telling her that her male partner is controlling – despite all the social conditioning that tells her, oh he’s just concerned for you (because the world is dangerous for women), he’s just being an assertive guy (manly men are good!), insert other excuses for men’s bad behavior – then she should probably listen to that instinct. OTOH men are told that women are controlling harpies who want to take their freedom, a lot of men are so hypersensitive to being “controlled” such that any expression of preference from a woman is an effort to “control” them.

           I saw this play out with an ex and his friend group, even though a lot of the friends were married. It’s like any time spent with a woman, or any accommodation made for a woman, is inimical to freedom. They should be able to blow off commitments (dates, ticketed events, time sensitive and agreed-upon chores/errands), do anything and everything they want (like get a giant manly dog (that I’m sure he wouldn’t fix) even though I have a life threatening dog allergy and also we live in a tiny apartment with no nearby parks), and if she complains then she’s controlling and abusive.

    17. Well you asked the question, which might be a decent hint that you feel not great about your spouses behavior. Have you ever felt that your spouse is limiting your mobility or ability to see friends and family? Have you ever felt that itd be easier to your spouse about where you’re going?

    18. I think the difference is, is it out of curiosity/genuine concern for their well-being? Then that’s normal. Controlling relationships are when they cross boundaries, don’t let you make your own choices, act as if you’re untrustworthy, or make you fearful of the consequences of what they’ll do if you do something they don’t like.

    19. Threadjack with a similar question – Do you all have the passcode to your partner’s phone? If so, do you you actually look through their phone? When did you exchange passwords? When you got married? I’m single so this is totally out of curiosity.

        1. I know my partner’s passcode because it’s our dating anniversary and he uses it for everything. I wouldn’t look unless I suspected something (which I don’t).

        2. I do. We shared it pretty early on when dating, for silly things like DH was driving and I was replying to texts for him, or changing the music, looking at the map etc. I haven’t gone through it secretly, but more like maybe I saw texts while helping navigate something else.

        3. I have my husband’s passcode and he has mine, but we don’t look through each others’ phones. We could, but we don’t. But if I’m on a work call and the kids’ school calls, he can answer my phone, or if he’s driving and his mom sends a text, I can respond that we’re on our way with her groceries.

        4. I know my boyfriend’s passcode. Probably learned it in the first month or two of dating, just because he would unlock his phone and look at something when we were cuddling on the couch so I saw him enter it so much. We often look at the other’s phone when driving, such as to change the podcast playing, look at directions, etc. sometimes, if our own phone is in another room, we would use the others to do a quick google search. It’s never without permission, but the ask is more like, hey, I’m going to use your phone to search for x or I’m going to find another podcast for us to listen to.

        5. My bf and I do. It happened organically maybe a year and a half into our relationship because we’ve needed to use each others phones for whatever reason, like sending photos one person has taken to the other or changing the Spotify playlist in the car. We will use each others phones to send pictures or whatever, but no we don’t look through anything.

        6. I do have his passcode. He has mine. I never snoop through his phone and I have no idea but assume he does not snoop on mine.

           I have his because occasionally i will need to make a call or look something up and my phone isn’t around/isn’t charged. We exchanged passwords when we started PW protecting our phones. before that we’d just pick them up and use them as needed.

           When DH had a separate phone for work (remember blackberries??) I did not have the PW to that. I had no reason to ever need to be on that phone.

        7. We know each other’s codes but we don’t look through each other’s devices. I think it first came up before we were married, we were traveling and had to set a code for the hotel safe. My (now) husband used his standard 4-digit code for that and told me what it was.

    20. I probably wouldn’t ask my boyfriend “who are you texting?” but I usually do ask “where are you off to?” when he’s putting on his shoes and coat, although he usually offers up that information willingly, because if he’s going to a store he asks me if I need anything.

        1. My ex always looked at my texts to see if I was writing to other men. I never did, but he was afraid I would start in with someone else b/c he was so much of a lush, drunk half the time. He was such a loser, I can’t believe I did so much to please him in bed. FOOEY on him!

    21. Spouse and I both have ADD (his is incredibly severe), so leaving the house with a strict plan just…isn’t a thing with us. Asking where he’s going will get me something like “I’m gonna drive around a bit, see if my brother is home. I’ll be home by dinner time.”

        We also never ask what the other is doing on laptops because our jobs require privacy (me for intellectual property, him for students). He doesn’t use a cell phone at all, I barely use my dumb phone.

        In my experience and observation, we are far on the extreme end of independent, but it works for us.

    22. It’s quite often that our phones are together in another room and one dings and whoever is closest checks to see which phone dinged. So my spouse might say, “oh, looks like you got a text from your sister” or whatever. That doesn’t feel like any invasion of privacy to me. We both know each other’s passcodes for our phones and email, and I have carte blanche to go on his to handle administrative type of stuff. I don’t see anything wrong with “where are you going” but I think a lot of it might be in tone, etc. If I felt someone was controlling, that might irk in a way that it doesn’t currently.

    23. If my husband asked me who I was texting every time I texted I would consider it intrusive/controlling. He would also be out of breath from asking me that all day long because it’s the only way I communicate with my friends any more (I am an extrovert married to an introvert.)

        If he asked me where I was going when I was leaving, I wouldn’t consider that controlling. In fact, he should never have to ask me because we communicate better than that.

12. We had the first post-4pm sunset of the year here this weekend!!! Days ARE getting lighter and this pandemic winter WILL end.

    Sharing that in case any of you need the reminder as much as I do!

    1. In normal times, I teach an evening class in one of the big university blocks and really like teaching during Semester 2 as you can really mark the coming of spring. I noticed paperwhites coming up in the garden yesterday and it gave me a little hope.

    2. I noticed that too, in NYC yesterday. Nature marches on. : )

    3. Noticed that in the Canadian prairies this weekend – it wasn’t dark when i got home at 4:30!!

    4. 4 pm sunset will reach me in 8 days from now! Yay!

       For now, it’s snowing and about 12 degrees F, and the light from the snow helps as well.

13. Anyone have a recommendations for a micro-wedding in Puerto Rico or the US Virgin Islands? Looking for something that is an easy flight from east coast gateways and family-friendly (we have one child together and two from my fiance’s prior marriage) for our no-guests-but-our-kids wedding post-COVID.

    1. I would do the Hamilton Princess in Bermuda. Not PR or Virgin Islands; still an easy flight from the East Coast.

       1. Unfortunately, my partner’s ex-wife has to consent to any international travel with the children (and she has full discretion w/r/t that consent), and we think there’s a decent likelihood that she will refuse to allow it given that it’s for our wedding. So it has to be someplace that is in the US or is a US territory.

          1. Renting a villa on St John could give you an absolutely spectacular setting for an “at home” catered wedding. Those on the Coral Bay side of the island (particularly those that are relatively higher up) have amazing views of the scattered Virgin Islands out to the horizon. Absolutely magical.

    2. We got married in St Lucia a decade ago; we connected in ATL, so it could be a direct flight. I enjoyed The Body Holiday, though it’s primarily European guests. The beach was beautiful and I really enjoyed snorkeling. We didn’t do any diving, just lounging around. My one recommendation is to get a marriage license in the state in which you reside, rather than getting married in St. Lucia. It’s not a huge deal, but we only have the original copy of our license and it can be a hassle when someone needs it (say for your passport application). I’m sure you’ve already thought of this because you’re not a 24 year old ding dong like I was. Congrats!

       1. Second for St. John, which is spectacular. But unless the airport has changed, travel is via flight to St. Thomas, taxi, ferry, taxi or car rental. I believe St. Lucia requires US citizens to have passports, so that may not work.

          1. Yeah STJ is slightly harder logistics than staying on St. Thomas, but worth it in my opinion :)

             St Lucia is not US territory so I don’t think that will work for the OP.

    3. Got married in St. Thomas in 2016. Used Island Bliss Weddings to help coordinate. Our wedding was incredibly small (as in just the two of us), so there wasn’t too much to coordinate. However, I would highly recommend using a coordinator on the island to provide recommended vendors and to help with paperwork.

14. I’m not usually a stress shopper, but it looks like I might be turning over a new page in 2021… I came across Hobes shoes recently, and I’m debating buying the Wooly. Thinking it would be a perfect WFH house shoe for now and then a cozy weekend shoe once running casual errands is a thing we do again. It doesn’t seem like their website posts reviews, though, and I’m always nervous to buy without reading reviews. Does anyone have experience with this brand?

    1. No experience…. but they look like a less sturdy, more expensive version of the Ugg Neumel?

       1. Oh definitely some style overlap there, thank you for the suggestion!

15. Has anyone successfully gotten faded leggings to be black again? I ruined perfectly good, excellent quality leggings that I can’t buy anymore by soaking them in something that caused fading. I don’t want to wear sad brownish leggings…

    1. I periodically dye any black clothing that has faded using RIT dye in the washing machine. It works best on natural fibers or blends that are heavy on natural fibers. Just be sure to carefully follow the directions and be sure the dye is fully mixed into the water before you put any clothes in.

       1. They make a dye specifically for synthetics, as well, though I haven’t personally used it.

16. Reviewing TiniLux earrings. I told the hive I would circle back after trying earrings from a company called Tini Lux, which I found while looking for a solution to my super sensitive earlobes. The background story is that over time, my ears couldn’t deal with any earrings – including hypoallergenic ones – after only an hour or so and they would get itchy and red. I bought a pair of Tini Lux studs to try them out. The first time purchase discount made them less pricey for pretty basic, small studs. My ears felt a little red and itchy the first day, the second day they were better and basically the 3rd day on, they did not bother me at all. I wore them overnight maybe on the 4th night because I forgot to take them off. I think the backings on my pair were a little loose, but they did not fall off either. Overall, I am pleased with being able to wear earrings again after a 10 year hiatus and I plan to buy a pair of huggies next. I am not affiliated with this company in any way – just wanted to pass along the info to anyone who also has a metal sensitivity.

    1. Thank you!

    2. Thank you so much, I was one of the people who’d asked you to report back!

    3. Thanks for this! I have super sensitive ears and haven’t worn earrings(consistently) in a couple of years.

17. You can dye them! Worth a try anyway.

    1. Nesting fail- for anon at 10.26

18. Anyone ever write out a question here and by the time you’re done typing, the answer is so obvious to you that you don’t post it?

    Relatedly, anyone use a journal app/program on a Mac that is password protected that they recommend? Or do you just password protect a Pages document as a journal? No one accesses my computer regularly so this is just for my own peace of mind.

    1. totally! No recs for your Mac…

    2. 1) all the time. Glad to know it’s not just me. 2) I think 750 words a day asks you to log in, but it might be optional? I don’t use it anymore, but I should seriously consider taking it up again. Thanks for mentioning it!

       1. I was going to recommend 750 words. But it’s a website, OP are you looking for something you can use without internet access?

    3. Yes and I see it a lot in other people’s posts too. I think there are times when people are thinking out loud but don’t take the extra step to actually not post what they typed. There have been a few posts where the only possible answers are “use words” or “Google it” – stuff like “how do I tell my assistant she made a typo?”

19. Big delay to your F/U question on 30 Dec re vacation home Narnia (thanks to a miscarriage and school lock down).

    Our vacation home is in Cape Breton. It is the arse end of Atlantic Canada and not easily accessible but stunning with inland ocean for outstanding sailing, world class golf, fantastic hiking and camping, loads of authentic Celtic culture and quite decent food, and our village of Baddeck is gorgeous and well appointed. Full of wealthy Americans but still maybe too remote for many!

    1. I remember that post! Sounds lovely! (Not the anon you’re paging)

       1. We love it enough to have done a 14 day quarantine on the property last August with the four kids just to get to enjoy a few weeks there. PRAYING we don’t have to repeat again but prepared to. It is also a 16 hour drive for us :0

          1. Wow — in normal times, how many times a year do you go? We did a week at an Adirondack cabin this summer and the 8 hour drive from NYC felt like a bit too much.

             1. Because we are in the military this varies widely. We didn’t go at all when posted over seas for four years but now that we are in Ottawa we go once a year. We might be posted to New Brunswick next year and if that happens the drive is less than six hours and we would do it monthly or every second month. It seems crazy but it is so cheap we might as well buy it and spend less on vacationing and then own an ocean front house at the end of it.

    2. Oh I had asked about that! And coincidentally I’ve visited Cape Breton several times and love it. But you’re right, for me it’s too far.

       So sorry to hear about your miscarriage

    3. Just as a disclaimer from another Canadian who lives 16h from Cape Breton, it’s a beautiful place but if you’re anything but a Lily white, Christian/Catholic, 2.5 children family you will face social stigma there.

    4. I’m sorry about your miscarriage.

    5. Ahh, thanks for the follow-up answer! Sounds amazing. :)

    6. Seafinch, I’m so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage sucks.

    7. Cape Breton Island is magical.

20. My colleague’s elderly mother has both dementia and COVID and is in “supportive care” at the local hospital — things are not looking good for a recovery. My colleague, let’s call her L, has been a HUGE support to her mom especially over the last few years as her dementia worsened, most recently moving her into an assisted living facility and preparing her home for sale/selling it. L carries most of the emotional (and physical) burden of her mom’s well being, although she has an extremely supportive spouse. Her brother and sister live far away and are kind but not “in it” like she is in the day to day. It’s wrecking her (rightfully so) that she cannot even see her mom in person.

    We have a close workplace and I would consider L a friend. What would you do in this situation when everything feels horrible and you can’t do anything in person? My first thought is food or flowers for L. A walk together outside if she needs one. What else am I missing? Budget is $100 or less.

    1. I’d do a door dash or similar gift card.

    2. Gift card to one of those take home and reheat dinner places?

    3. Yep, dinner – whatever that looks like in your area – doordash, those prepared meals in fridge cases at boutiques, whatever she’ll like.

    4. I’ve been in a similar position (your colleague’s).

       Dinner food is the answer.

21. Someone here recently said they took Creative Writing with the Gotham Writer’s Workshop and really enjoyed it, so now I’m thinking about signing up. Which instructor did you take?

    1. I responded to your earlier question but I took nonfiction writing, not creative, so I can’t help.

       1. Thanks – I haven’t posted about this before, so I think I’m responding to the person you responded to! ;)

    2. That was me!

       I signed up for Creative Writing 101 (the online version), and my instructor is Betsey Odell. She has provided a few good insights and some good suggestions for further work on the exercises I’ve submitted. I’m not sure that there would be a huge difference between instructors if you’re taking an online class because the “lecture” is more like a long article you read. Betsey has been responsive to questions people have left on the message board.

       I liked it so much that I also signed up for the Fiction I writing course. I wanted a little more interaction than you get on the online class, so I signed up for the Zoom class. Due to my schedule, I ended up starting it last week (I can’t meet on certain days) even though I have 2 weeks of the Creative Writing 101 left. Maybe not the greatest time management for me, but that’s ok! The instructor I have for Fiction I is Jon Gingerich. We had our first meeting last week, and he facilitated a really great discussion. I have not seen or heard any of his critiques yet, but so far I’ve liked him as well.

       The structure of the class and having some deadlines to meet have helped me already. The “lectures” for the online class have also provided some really good explanations, and they include plenty of exercises I can work on all week so that I never open up my laptop and have to agonize over where to even start.

       1. Thank you so much for this information! I’m definitely going to sign up for the Creative Writing 101 class and hopefully will like it and sign up for more as well!

22. Who wants to help me find a new paint color for my house? This is Year 10 in our home, and I want to repaint my kitchen/living room area and freshen things up a bit. It’s an open floor plan between the kitchen and living areas, although there is a bit of separation with a higher ceiling in the living area. I’m wanting to lighten things up, but I don’t have enough natural light to go full-on white. I am not into cold grays at all, but I do like the greige family, green-grays, and warmer grays.

    My couch, loveseat, and coffee table are dark brown, which won’t be changing anytime soon. (The furniture in good shape and purchased before the charcoal gray/cool grays were everywhere). My current wall color is a greenish-gray that looks super pretty with my furnishings and has a lot of depth, but I think I went a bit too dark.

    SW Worldly Gray is one color that I’m considering, as it seems to bridge that gap between brown and gray. The trim is white and thankfully in good shape.

    1. If you like your current color, can you look up the swatch and try to go lighter on the same swatch?

       My home is currently all white (I have moderate natural light, i don’t think you need it!) but in a previous home I had BM Plymouth Rock and loved it. It might be too dark for what you’re looking for though!

       1. Plymouth Rock is VERY close to the color I have now (SW Ethereal Mood)! And it is really really pretty. I have looked up the lighter versions of Ethereal Mood, and they are like … on a totally different planet, color-wise. Have no idea why they’re grouped together.

          1. Have you considered getting the same color you have and mixing it with white?

             1. I have. The paint experts warn me that I won’t really know what I’m getting until it’s done, which gives me pause.

    2. What about a lighter shade of what you have now – BM Titanium or similar?

    3. If it looks pretty already, can you change up your lighting and ceiling color? That way you get a different look.

       1. Or you could go white and put your current color on the ceiling.

    4. We have SW Amazing Gray as one of the primary colors in our house and I love it! It is one step darker on the same paint strip as Worldly Gray. I will say that Amazing Gray is not at all dark but provides a nice level of color on the walls. You are right – it does an excellent job of bridging that gap between brown/gray and warm/cool. It looks good with the cooler grayish luxury vinyl flooring we have upstairs and the warmer dark brown wood flooring we have downstairs. We also have white trim and it provides a nice contrast with that. Happy to provide a few pictures if that would be helpful – greenrette@gmail.com

    5. SW Agreeable Gray is a great greige color.

    6. I have a semigloss white on the ceiling (because I wanted light to reflect out of our clerestory windows and 16ft ceiling) and behr wind’s breath (note not bm winds breath) on the walls. It’s a silvery pale green color that looks amazing with browns and tans and warmer grays.

       1. Note that semigloss is not usually recommended for ceilings. Ceiling paint is typically the flattest possible because it doesn’t need to be scrubbable and flat paint hides imperfections best.

    7. We moved into a house that was recently painted with Benjamin Moore Revere Pewter, which the bloggers consider overdone, but it must be popular for a reason. It’s a very light and warm greige – pigmented enough to provide a contrast with white trim, but light enough to brighten each room. It works perfectly with the dark brown furniture in our bedroom, but also with the grey furniture in the living room.

    8. What about something like BM pale oak or balboa mist.

    9. Maison Blanche-sherwin williams

23. Is anyone else getting really anxious for/antsy to get the vaccine and are like I will do anything to get it RIGHT NOW?? I fall in 1C in Virginia as do zillions of other people because 1C is not only ages 64-75 and ages 16-64 with health conditions but also a ton of “essential worker” categories. I have zero problem with essential workers getting it but in Va that essential worker category in 1C includes things like lawyers, finance, IT etc. I totally understand the essential workers like transport, utility plant workers, trash collectors — i.e. people who’ve had to continue reporting to work. But there are people working from home full time at law firms and in finance who have ordered in everything they need since March who qualify and that’ll add so much to the numbers that those of us with a health issue (cardiac in nature) will end up waiting in line behind those professional qualifications (which I also have but it’s not my law degree here that makes me higher risk).

    We’re not even on 1C yet and I find myself constantly checking which health systems have had some appointment availability in 1B so they’re maybe likely to have some supply with 1C as well. Or being like if they drop this county administration system (I live in densely populated NoVA where demand will be huge), I will happily drive 3 hours away to a place that has more vaccines than takers? Anyone else? I’ve been very patient with this up until now – staying home, groceries once in 3 weeks and now it feels SO close yet SO far away.

    1. There are also many law firms that have taken advantage of the fact that law is essential to force their associates back to the office, which sure, its essential that legal work continues, but the location is not.

       I have to work from the office even though patent work is basically all remote anyway. Its not like I ever go argue a patent application in person. I also have never met a client in person in 2 years working here. I tried to get permission to work from home a few days a week, but I was told its “not a remote job” so now I get up super early to avoid rush hour on public transportation. So I will be getting the vaccine as soon as I can.

       1. I understand but I get what OP is saying too. Sure YOUR firm has forced you back so it makes sense to use whatever definition of essential to get the vaccination asap. But reality is most of biglaw in DC and NYC has NOT brought people back — I find it’s more mid law and smaller cities that are back; yet having lived in DC before (not anymore), I get what OP is saying — every biglaw associate and partner who already knows they aren’t going back until July or whatever at the earliest will make a grab for the vaccine in Feb-March under the essential definition and then the people who really need it will scramble even if they are willing to drive 3 hours away or whatever. OP knowing that area a bit, if you are willing to drive and being in 1C still takes you a long time, it’ll be getting to that point in time when (hopefully) supply will be rolling out thru CVS etc. and I do think it’ll be easier/faster to then drive to a CVS 3 hours away than to continue to wait for your number to be called in Arlington, Fairfax etc.

       2. Agreed. I wish they would specify that all legal should not be considered essential. Criminal defense attorneys obviously need to go to court. General corporate practitioners like myself can do basically everything remotely

       3. I’m in CA, and the rules are really clear (to me only, it seems) that essential workers who can work outside the home are those who fall into one of the bajillion categories AND who are *unable* to do their jobs remotely. My sector is essential, but as desperately as I want the vaccine … I’ve worked from home since March. I have a typey-thinky job. There’s no reason my “essential-ness” should put me ahead of people who *must* go to work.

          I’m also very lucky that I have the privilege to advocate for myself — when I was asked to come back in 1 or 2 days a week I was able to say “if I can work remotely 4 days a week, I can do it 5, and there’s no reason for me to come in and increase everyone’s risk” but I recognize many people cannot push back like that. So I wish (1) that employers would stop making people come into the work under the guise of “essential” when the employees can do the work remotely! and (2) that people (I see a ton of manager-types doing this!) would stop *choosing* to go to work when they can work remotely.

          …. and I’m stepping off my soapbox.

          1. I really worry that the availability of vaccination will allow employers, especially those managed by old white lawyers who don’t believe people are working unless they can see them, to put more pressure on employees to “choose” to return to the office. Even after vaccination, people should still be masking and distancing and avoiding breathing the same air as others. There will also be plenty of people who can’t obtain the vaccine right away.

    2. I’m just so frustrated that I can’t find a list of medical conditions that qualifies for the earlier stages. I have a condition that the CDC says may put you at increased risk, and have no idea when I will qualify.

    3. You must chill this isn’t okay. All this panicking? Useless. Checking which places have appointments now obsessively? Stupid. Literally no reason to extrapolate. Please get help.

       1. You’re calling someone stupid who is stupid who has a health condition making them higher risk and thus they want to be vaccinated and are trying to figure out what websites/health systems etc. are most likely to be able to service them a month or two from now? Well must be nice to be low risk so it doesn’t matter whether you get the vaccine in June or September or whenever.

          1. I’m also high risk! This isn’t actually getting her any good information it’s just feeding anxiety!

       2. [removed by management]

          1. I don’t think she is an ass. Frankly, there are many posters on this site who have been anxious about EVERYTHING with respect to Covid. To the OP, there is nothing that you can do right now. Checking sites when your state may only be on 1A or 1B is absurd. You are just creating busywork for yourself to try to mitigate the anxiety. Let it go for now and focus on something else. To the others, who can’t even allow a congratulatory post to the Cleveland Browns go by without a running commentary on how no one should be doing anything but hiding in their homes right now, you too should find a way to deal with your anxiety.

             1. There is a big difference between hiding in your home and avoiding nonessential full-contact sports that involve travel.

       3. Literally no reason to call people stupid. Please get help.

    4. I mean, I’m definitely ready to resume my normal life, but I also understand that getting the vaccine isn’t gonna make that happen. We’re still gonna have to wear our masks, practice social distancing, and be judicious with our errands, order what we can, etc. until we achieve herd immunity, which may not happen until next fall (I know, I know, I KNOW, that’s not what you wanted to hear at all, I’m frustrated too, we all are). I mean, once you get your second dose and it’s been a few weeks, you can probably hang out with other people in that category, but you won’t be able to fly to Vegas and celebrate your freedom while other people have to stay at home waiting for their shots.

       1. +1. Experts have already warned us that having the vaccine doesn’t mean we can let up anytime soon, but I’m afraid that this is exactly what people are going to do.

          1. I am working on a project now where everyone assumes that as soon as people are vaccinated there will be a giant in-person meeting. Good luck with that.

       2. I’m profoundly #NotAScientist but once I’m fully vaccinated and one month out and all that… aren’t I safe from getting COVID and incapable of passing it to other people? The two reasons I do all the social distancing/WFH/mask/etc. are so that I don’t get COVID, and so that I don’t unwittingly transmit it. If there is no (or vanishingly slim) possibility of either, why must we keep those things up?

          (Please don’t take this as my trying to wriggle out of guidelines. I’ve been absurdly compliant and will continue to be, but I want to understand.)

          1. Jury is still out on whether or not you can still get it and transmit it. The clinical trials just showed that it was 95% effective at preventing symptomatic infection.

             1. Well drat, I didn’t know that. I thought it was 95% at making you not get it at all.

          2. No, it’s possible that you might not get sick yourself but could still transmit the virus to others.

    5. I’m the opposite. I love WFH, am relatively young, am healthy, and my household is young and healthy. Please please let everyone else get it first. Park me last in line; I am nor invincible but am lower risk than almost the entire population (given that I only need to leave the house to run or get groceries).

    6. I feel for you, but this is basically out of your control.

       1. I agree. We are natural worriers and detail people. We want the vaccine, and do not think that others should come before us; but guess what–we will have to wait. It is not nice to say bad things about people who worry and are interested. We will simpley have to wait our turns, even tho others are jumping the line.

    7. I am so upset with the guidelines in VA. Group 1C includes people whose BMIs classify them as overweight, not even obese. An autoimmune condition does not qualify you unless you are immunocompromised, even though an excessive immune response appears to be responsible for many COVID complications and possibly for long COVID. Only moderate to severe asthma qualifies you. So people who are just a little overweight are at higher risk than someone with an autoimmune disease who doesn’t currently take immunosuppressants? That seems totally wrong.

       1. I can’t tell, but maybe this is evidence based? I would guess that immune deficiency is more strongly correlated with cytokine storm than autoimmune disease is, except where someone has both. And even just being overweight is strongly correlated with the impaired blood glucose control that’s associated with worse outcome. It’s not about adipose tissue but cardiovascular health.

          1. There is zero evidence that slightly overweight people are at more risk than people with asthma or autoimmune disease. BMI is also a bad way to define overweight. My very healthy, muscular husband will qualify in group 1C, ahead of people with autoimmune disease and people with “mild” asthma that flares up with respiratory infections. That is crazy.

             1. I’ll grant that BMI is a poor way to define overweight. But I have all five conditions (overweight, bad blood glucose control, asthma, autoimmune disease, and immune deficiency), and this is my understanding of my risk factors.

    8. I totally understand getting antsy! Now that many health workers I know have gotten their vaccines, I’m definitely getting jealous and wishing I wasn’t going to have to wait so long (and I’m not even in 1C, I’m in the general population category). But refreshing things to find answers right now isn’t going to be helpful. The exact guidelines of which groups each state will put in which category have not been finalized yet, as they are all individually adapting the CDC guidance. Virginia is going to do a halfway decent job at this, because they have been doing a halfway decent job on the pandemic in general. 11 districts, several in NoVa actually entered 1b this week. DC entered 1b this week, so things are moving forward. But regardless of what VA does or doesn’t publicize ahead of time in terms of appointments or guidelines, the truth is that as of now, they do not have access to enough vaccines even for 1b. So a huge limiting factor is just going to be production and distribution at a national level, unless and until a third vaccine is authorized. I would just tell yourself that 1c is highly unlikely to start before February, and force yourself to turn away from checking for a couple of weeks.

       1. I am in VA and disagree that the pandemic has been handled well. It seemed that way in the beginning, but the state is now failing to exercise leadership. Our school district is going ahead with in-person SOL testing despite the fact that our test positivity rate is well over 20% and we have around 80 new cases per day per 100K population. The governor should have waived the SOLs for this year and should be considering restricting in-person school for the duration of the current surge, at least for grades 6 – 12. Gyms and restaurants should be closed. Recreational sports should be shut down. Cases are surging and we have no idea whether the new, more transmissible variant is circulating in the state, which makes a difference in what containment policies should be used. A department of health representative made a statement to the news media weeks ago that COVID patients were responsible for identifying and notifying their own contacts. Vaccine distribution is behind schedule, at something like 1/4 the pace required to get everyone vaccinated by the end of 2021. I don’t see any way our family will be vaccinated in time to opt for in-person schooling next fall, which because our school district is evil means that our daughter will probably have to quit her IB program. It’s infuriating.

          1. Honestly, even with all of that, Virginia is doing better than most of the US. Go read any of the many news articles about how California hospitals are overwhelmed, and how LA doctor’s are having to ration care. Virginia is doing great in comparison

             1. That’s just luck, not any great management on VA’s part.

    9. I had my first dose (fed govt). One of my colleagues and I have plans in mid-Feb, once we are past the second dose + waiting period: we are going to have lunch together. In our office. We are not in the same household and will be indoors, across a table, with no masks, talking and eating. Feeling wild and crazy! (And then we will put our masks back on and wash our hands because not everyone in the building has been vaxxed yet and Science doesn’t know if vaxxed people can transmit.) Tiny and silly but it will be so nice to talk to someone at work and not just scurry to our respective corners.

    10. I can relate to the feeling of being so close yet so far away. I enjoy refreshing the CDC and my state vaccine tracker, to see how the rollout is going. I appreciate that these pages get updated only once per day, otherwise I would be obsessively refreshing. Since I am at the back of the queue, watching the vaccine rate finally get past half a million/day is just generally uplifting, but not really connected to me.
        You are self-aware enough to realize that this isn’t helping (just like refreshing the news and social media about the scandal of the day). You’ll feel better if you seek distraction.

    11. I am really looking forward to getting vaccinated, but no, I’m not anxious. I figure by the time I am eligible, the process will have a lot of the problems worked out and it will be smooth. Also, as other people get vaccinated in increasing numbers, as well as unfortunately get some immunity from having COVID, we will begin to see transmission rates and deaths decrease. I actually think we will be seeing much better numbers in mid-February, and then it’s four to six weeks to warmer weather.

        I’d stop checking for appointment availability. There is no way you’ll miss when you are in an eligible group, and you can look forward to some relief in the nearer term.

    12. I dialed into a town hall with my US Representative Barbara Lee last week. In California we seem to be behind you in Virginia. There was no plan for who gets what and when beyond the current phase of frontline health workers and seniors in group homes. I’m antsy to get the vaccine!! It’s a logistics nightmare everywhere.

        1. Yeah, as a fellow Californian, I’m reading this talk about phase 1A, 1B, 1C like … phase what?! Phase when? How do I sign up for a phase? I’m sure Newsom and pals are hammering out these details as we speak, probably over their table at the French Laundry.

           1. So many people are in each phase that the whole system is a joke. It’s just for show.

    13. I’m not wanting the vaccine to resume normal life, just to stop worrying that I’m going to die if I get exposed when I go to the doctor for necessary visits that can’t be done virtually. Or that I’ll get an infection and have to go to the hospital and get infected there and die. I have two comorbidities that make my risk of death 15-30% from one alone, not to mention when both are combined.

        My state is not following CDC guidelines but is making those with health conditions to wait until after all the frontline people like teachers, grocery store workers etc. I don’t want to get in front of those people, I just want to be in the same group, which goes after health care workers, nursing home residents, and those over 75. This is what the CDC recommends. My conditions make me more likely to die than those over 75 and equals the death rate of those in nursing homes.

        But I don’t have a union or the press fighting for me and our state government is terrible, slow and cumbersome. Not only are they not following CDC guidelines but they are very slow off the mark and are just now thinking about mass vaccination clinics that are already up and running in Oregon, Michigan, Arizona, Great Britain etc.

        And I’m very very happy that Biden is sending out the 50% reserve that the current administration is holding back for second shots. This will speed up the process. I’m hoping that by the time I need my second shot (if I ever get my first) Pfizer and Moderna will have produced enough to cover second shots.

    14. I am SO EXCITED to get vaccinated! I’m not finding myself tempted to check sites for registration yet since we’re still probably at least 4 or 5 months from when I’ll be eligible, but once that becomes a reality I will be refreshing like it’s a presale for concert tickets! Extended family is a huge priority for me, and being able to see them like normal once we’ve all had our vaccines+enough time for them to take effect is going to make the last phase of the pandemic so much easier to handle.

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