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Updated: Nov 23, 2020 507 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Fetra Colorblock Long Sleeve Sweater Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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I’m often dubious of sweater dresses for workwear (they can be too clingy, have weird static issues, are a hassle to hand wash), but this one from Boss has me rethinking my stance.

The black V-neck top is very flattering, and the chevron-patterned skirt has a slight A-line shape that will hopefully prevent the excessive clinginess that has plagued me in the past.

The dress is $348 and available in sizes XS–XL. Fetra Colorblock Long Sleeve Sweater Dress

A few options that are more affordable are from Madewell ($128, lucky sizes only), Talbots ($89.99/$109.99, regular and plus; lucky sizes only), and Macy's ($49.99 on sale, S–XL). 

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Ellen

    Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I love pricey Monday’s and this dress! I just have 1 question: Is the sweater dress at all itchey? I worry about this for those of us who sit all day at our desks, and do not move our rear ends around enough. How do you deal with that? Even with a silky liner, I’ve still found that it just gets to warm in the tuchus/seat area, and this area also gets to sweatey (as it should in the winter)?

    Mom told me not to come home for Thanksgiving; she told Dad to drive in Tomorrow and deliver to me a pre-cooked Turkey dinner for 2 (Myrna has no where to go so she will be here with me and eat on Thursday). This is just another problem we must deal with and sacrifice accordingly. Grandma Trudy is there anyway, but Grandma Leyeh is also staying in Riverdale, and Dad will deliver Turkey to her since her alternative is to get takeout Turkey from the Deli, which is not as good as Mom’s turkey. Rosa’s family will also stay in Chapaqua for the first time ever, and she is making arrangments with some place to deliver a complete dinner for 6, and her nanny will be in charge of all the details.

    I encourage the hive to do this too, b/c we need to beat the virus, but not spreading it by going to our parent’s for Thanksgiving. It wont be to long now b/f we get the shots and return to normal life. Dont be selfish by going out and spreading the virus! PTOOEY on COVID!

  2. Anonymous

    I wrote here last week about a guy I’ve been seeing for a short time who invited me to spend Thanksgiving weekend with him and his best friend, but we hadn’t talked about exclusivity other than in a public health/pandemic way. Consensus was that we should discuss it.

    So, update: I got a natural opening when his friend wrote us an email saying “can’t wait to meet your girlfriend!”, and I asked if he’d told his friend I was his girlfriend.

    He said no, he hadn’t told him that. I asked if he had thoughts on the subject and he said he didn’t have many: he said we hadn’t known each other very long, that he didn’t feel the need for labels, that he wasn’t seeing anyone else, that he liked how things were right now and thought we had a good connection. (Written out, it looks a little more optimistic than it felt at the time.)

    He asked what my thoughts were, but I am a slow thinker and was feeling dumb for having started this semi-unsuccessful conversation, so I just nodded and said I agreed it hadn’t been that long. (Which is true; it’s been a month since we met.)

    I’m going back and forth about whether this is a neutral sign or a bad one. He didn’t shy away from the conversation or act weird afterward, but it wasn’t the answer I hoped for. And I don’t know how long to wait before discussing again, either…especially given that pandemic-wise I wouldn’t feel right seeing multiple men at the same time, so you kind of have to keep your eggs in one basket. I don’t need an instant boyfriend but also don’t want to be in a long-term casual situation not moving toward something serious.

    • Trixie

      Well, I know you are feeling badly about this, but try to let it go. It is too early to “define the relationship” and it is nice that his friend sees you as the girlfriend, which means that your boyfriend described you this way, IMHO, even if he said no, he had not described you this way.

      You have not said how much you like him, or why you like him, so just carry on for now. Going forward, don’t ask “define the relationship” questions until you know what you want, and are not creating a gotcha situation–which your “boyfriend” may have felt. Relax, and enjoy getting to know him.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks, Trixie…that makes me feel better. Hopefully I didn’t make things weird! And I do like him a lot. He’s really sweet and thoughtful to me, for one thing.

    • AnonATL

      The “I don’t want to label it” response is always a red flag for me.
      I’m not saying ditch this one yet, especially if you do like him, but proceed with caution. See how thanksgiving goes and raise the subject again in a couple of weeks.

    • Ribena

      I think in these circumstances it’s important to be able to say ‘regardless of having the define the relationship talk, I need to know what you’re doing to be COVID safe’

      • The Original ...

        +1

        +2 if you are also gardening and have other safety to consider!

        Whether you word it as wanting to be “us only til we’re sure we’re all in or all out” or “I’d appreciate a heads up if you get together with anyone else, due to safety” or something else is up to you!

    • AIMS

      Good for you for bringing it up!

      Do you want to be his GF? Do you want him to be your BF? What is he said ‘yeah, I told him you were my GF!’ – how would you feel?

      I think this is one of those times where you should focus more on how you feel about him than how he feels about you. Yes, sometimes ‘not wanting to things’ can be a red flag, but so can jumping into relationships too quickly. I know more than one serial dater like this, it’s not any better in my opinion.

      I think it’s good you’re having honest conversations and that he seems comfortable being open about his feelings. At this point, I don’t think you *need* to go see other people, but think about whether you *want* to! It shouldn’t just be a matter of does he like you.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – focus on what YOU want, and once you are clear on it, ask for it.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks very much, AIMS. Personally I don’t want to see other people…the reason I thought about having the conversation in the first place is I’m still getting messages from new men on dating sites and feel weird about this. Some of them seem potentially great but I’m ignoring them because (a) I want to focus on this dude and (b) given pandemic, all I’d feel comfortable doing is videochatting with these new guys anyway, and if they wanted to meet up I think I’d have to say no, unless I stopped seeing current guy.

        If he had said “yeah I told him you were my GF”…I would have been pleased and thought it was extremely sweet, although surprised that he’d say it without us having some kind of conversation first.

        • Anon

          Yeah I think the problem is instead of communicating your thoughts and questions, you asked him a question without context. Why not give it a few weeks and check back in to say what you said here – that you like him but if he isn’t sure if it’s more serious, you plan to video chat (but not see) some other dudes?

          • Anonymous

            I think you’re right, I didn’t do it in the best way for sure, felt nervous about asking.

      • The Original ...

        nooooooooo that’s not how dating works, you’re only exclusive if all involved have confirmed it. Assuming such can lead to broken hearts and now it can also lead to covid.

        • Anonymous

          I know that he is not seeing anyone else right now and unless he is secretly a garbage human, I feel confident that this would not change without him telling me prior to exposing me to another person’s germs. I think this is adequate safety-wise, though there is a risk emotion-wise. :)

          To me “exclusive” means something more than that, though, like saying “I don’t want to see anyone else.” That he hasn’t said. And I haven’t said it directly to him either, though it is true on my end.

      • Kitten

        In my experience, “I’m not seeing anyone else RIGHT NOW” means that they aren’t currently successfully sleeping with another woman but are still talking to other women and trying to sleep with them, or would be open to dating another woman if the opportunity presented itself. It doesn’t necessarily indicate exclusivity or commitment.

    • The Original ...

      I preface this by saying that I’m a writer and overthinker by nature and prefer to say too much over too little (which can go either way). I would likely send him a text and say something like, “Thinking about our conversation about labels. While it is super soon, I just want to make sure not to get increasingly attached if you are thinking I’m someone you feel more casually about than seeing possibilities of something growing. No wrong answer as long as it’s an honest one!” And then seeing. If he wants you around to meet friends, he’s given this some thought. I think it’s fair to want clarification as to whether he thinks this could be A Big Deal or just a holiday plus one thing. Plus, it lets him know that you want something serious so if this can’t be it (whether he isn’t ready for serious at all or he isn’t feeling that with you), he needs to speak up. Whether he does or whether he is honest or whether he has introspection is another story.

      Crossing fingers for you :)

      • Anonymous

        I could be wrong, as I don’t feel like this kind of communication is my strong suit, but I’d be worried that doing this would seem like too much harping on the subject, and that the best thing would be to let it go for a bit. Then again I think I am guilty sometimes of playing it cooler than I feel to avoid asking for too much.

        Thanks for the crossed fingers. :)

        • Anon

          You are correct. Do not do what “The Original..” posted above. Way too needy/in your feelings/sweating a situation where it’s not warranted. Absolutely not the way to be chill and see how things develop. As far as the conversation, just let it go for right now. A month is really, truly, genuinely not a long time. You know for health reasons he is not seeing other people. Awesome. Now see what develops. You may *think* you know him well but honestly – you don’t. Maybe you go to Thanksgiving and he gets sloppy drunk and acts like a jerk, not saying that is likely but who knows. I know it’s hard, when you really, really like someone not to want to lock it down, but it’s too early. P.S., not saying you have to go looking for it but if you have an opportunity to do some Zoom dates or flirty chatting with other guys, sans in-person interaction, do it. It will take the pressure off. No need to tell him about it unless he asks or you meet someone you like better.

          • Anonymous

            Thanks, yeah that all resonates with me. I do have the opportunity to do Zoom dates, there is just something that feels a little off about it. Like can I really be giving these new dudes a fair chance? Would current guy be hurt if he found out I was doing it? But I can overthink things…

          • Anon

            LOL she prefaced with exactly why you don’t like it. I think different methods for different people but even knowing something isn’t how you want to do something is helpful. As for other dates, if they both said they were not seeing other people, I would reconsider this. It means you ARE seeing other people and it wastes others’ time if you aren’t in a position to be present and available for them, which isn’t fair to them, nor is it a good use of your time.

          • Anon

            “it wastes others’ time if you aren’t in a position to be present and available for them, which isn’t fair to them, nor is it a good use of your time.”

            Women feel this way. I guarantee you a man would never write that sentence. Men see themselves as committed when they explicitly verbally commit; women see themselves as committed when there is a bare hint of something that may kind of look something like commitment waaay off on the horizon. And then women get hurt because they thought someone was their boyfriend and their “boyfriend” thought they were just having a good time (and usually, that the woman they were dating understood they were also “having a good time” with a few other people). “Being available” to someone is an easily-achieved mental state – I can talk to multiple friends, and multiple people at work, and when I was dating I was able to talk to multiple men at one time and still keep their names straight, same as in other situations in life – and actually a very good idea so that too much mental time is not being spent on picking out wedding flowers for a wedding to a person who has not even said “you’re my girlfriend.” There is no reason to give loyalty or exclusivity to a man who has neither asked for it, nor demonstrated they have earned it, nor been explicit they are offering exclusivity in return. My theory was, commitment has to be earned and explicitly asked for, by the guy. It should not be given solely because of my rainbowy-sunshiny hopes and dreams. I went through too many situations where someone promising turned out to be a jerk; I finally learned the best way to avoid wasted time and emotion was to not get too invested in one person until that person showed my investment was warranted. I accomplished that by dating more than one person at a time, YMMV.

      • Anonie

        +1

        I know it’s risky, but (if he’s a good match for you) this won’t throw off the relationship. My only recommendation would be doing this in person, versus over text. If you think you’ll chicken out, text is ok, too.

        Best wishes, OP! For what it’s worth, I don’t think his answer is necessarily awful and many people do takes months to figure these things out, but I would need more clarity and it sounds like you do, too.

      • Anonymous

        Noooooo do not send that text. 1) Tone does not come across in text. That text could easily be ready in an accusatory “don’t waste my time” kind of tone, which I’m sure is not what you or OP would mean by it. 2) That is a Very Serious Conversation. Never ever start a serious conversation over text. 3) that script sounds kind of like you’re threatening a break up? I’m not sure you could phrase it in a non-threatening way, even in person. I understand the sentiment behind it, but he’s already given her the answer he can give. He’s not sure yet. It’s been a month, not a year, give it a little time before you start whipping out threats. 4) I’ve been on the receiving end of something like this and it was a major turn off, even though I really liked the guy. It felt pushy and disrespectful – I was enjoying our time together and wanted it to develop naturally, but apparently that wasn’t good enough for him. I didn’t break up with him because of that conversation, per se, but it was the beginning of the end because I became hypersensitive to any pushy-ness. 5) if you need to be this pushy to get him to be your BF how on earth do you think you’re going to marry this guy, if that’s a goal?

      • Anon

        OP don’t do this.

        Calm yourself. It has been a month. He’s not seeing anyone else. He’s invited you to thanksgiving. That’s a lot for now. Just go with the flow and whatever you do don’t pick a fight about it.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, I think when women (usually) have to do these kinds of contortions about defining the relationship, having lots of “talks”, instead of trusting their gut and their own feelings, it means you know this isn’t quite right. After all, suppose you’d gotten the answer you wanted today – yay! I don’t want to see anyone else! – it could be not-true tomorrow. Trust your gut. If it’s right, it’s right. If you have to put lots of words around it, it’s not.

      • Anon

        Reading threads like this, I’m realizing how all-or-nothing I am about relationships. I would not and have not ever dated someone unless we were both head over heels to begin with! But I would also have been okay staying single.

        • anonnnn

          Reading threads like this makes me sad. I was 100% this person years ago, but after a string of crap relationships and therpay, now I use my words to say, this is what I want out of a relationship right now and if that’s not something that you are interested in, please let me know and we can part ways or I want to be exclusive with you, is that something that you also want?

          I know this often feels hard, but what’s harder is NOT knowing and potentially being on different pages with your partner and ending up in a situation you never wanted to be in.

          • Anonymous

            I’m sure you meant well but…yikes, thanks for telling me my thread made you sad.

          • anonnnn

            I don’t know what to tell you. It is sad to me that women feel like they can’t ask for exactly what they want in relationships. I said I was this person and I was this person for many years. It doesn’t have to be this way and I’m sad that a good number of women are still where I was many years ago. It wasn’t fun.

          • Anon

            I’ve never felt this way about dating because I never wanted children and didn’t care if I ever married (so if a man wanted to convince me otherwise, that was on him!), but to me this whole thread is more how I feel about friendships (are we friends yet? how much is mutual? should I read into X? are they reading into Y?). Because I do want friends. So I think it probably has a lot to do with how invested we feel?

      • Anonymous

        “Trust your gut” isn’t awesome advice for anxious people. When I like someone a lot, I get very very anxious for a little while in the beginning. Doubly so if I feel that I like them more than they like me – which is very common for me because I’m a pretty decisive person and tend to make relatively quick decisions about love interests. I really hate the first couple months of new relationships, it’s infuriating when people tell me to relax and enjoy it. I just want to fast forward like 6 months to know whether it’s ok to get my hopes up. It has very little to do with the guy or how he feels about me and everything to do with me and my discomfort with being emotionally invested in something I can’t control.

        OP, if any of this sounds like you, just know you aren’t alone. I don’t have great advice, but this stage of a relationship thankfully doesn’t last long. You just gotta rein in the crazy until the dude can either catch up or show that he’s not a good match for you. Just be sure to keep your eye on what YOU want in a relationship and don’t bend over backwards for what HE wants just because you want to short circuit this uncomfortable period.

        • Anonymous

          I’m the “trust your gut” poster, and I have a lifelong anxiety disorder. It’s actually the exact right advice – here’s why: If you’re feeling all spun up about defining the relationship, that’s your anxiety / gut trying to tell you something. If you feel the absence of the need to have those talks, that means deep down, you know it’s a good decision.
          – Signed, years of therapy

          • Anon

            Real question, sorry gotta ask: Are you single? I think that is super-relevant information to the topic at hand.

          • Also years of therapy

            The idea is that sometimes your gut is not a reliable narrator when you have severe anxiety, and in particular when you already understand about yourself that you are very insecure in the early part of relationships. I firmly believe that anxiety about the status of a relationship *can* be meaningful information, but sometimes it is not. Or at least, it doesn’t necessarily deserve the import it’s assigned. What Senior Attorney said really resonated with me — my anxiety/gut was not also telling me untrue things like you are unworthy/you will never find love/he couldn’t possibly like you/you’re not good enough/security doesn’t exist because he could change his mind at any moment. It’s very difficult to do but everyone has to learn to distinguish between anxiety-driven thoughts and emotions and then from there figure out what anxiety is “reasonable” and what is your own personal unreliable narrator.

          • Senior Attorney

            My therapist and I talked about those false thoughts like they were Ed Harris in A Beautiful Mind: “Ignore him, he’s not real.”

          • Anonymous

            I can answer, but I’ll respond with a question instead – why would my answer to that matter? At its heart, her question isn’t about him; it’s about how to manage her anxiety.

        • Senior Attorney

          Couldn’t agree with this more. I think a lot of us have relationship insecurities and they don’t need to be a red flag. My husband is the most wonderful man I’ve ever met, and was, I have come to find out, head-over-heels over me the whole time. But. He is not a daily texter or caller, and I spent a decent amount of time worrying about where things were going. It all worked out but getting here was nerve wracking.

          And MY years of therapy taught me that my gut was often trying to tell me something that was not true (“you’re not good enough,” “he’s ghosting you,” “he doesn’t like you after all”) and didn’t always need to be listened to.

    • Anonymous

      This is so individual, we can’t tell you how to feel. You’re exclusive, you’re sharing a major holiday together, I don’t understand how that’s not a BF? I think this is a good opportunity to practice giving him the benefit of the doubt. I can tell you from experience that no good will come of negativity, anxiety, or insecurity rn. Give it X number of months – whether you’re comfortable with but no less than 2 more (so 3 total) – and reevaluate at that time. Put this out of your mind until then.

    • Anon

      Please slow your roll. It’s been a MONTH. It’s a pandemic and dating is not normal right now. He gave you a good answer! He likes how things are going. If he’s not acting weird or avoiding you, I’d say you are totally fine. Keep enjoying spending time with him and don’t make it weird. After another month or two, have another talk to DTR.

    • Anonie

      OP, everyone has commented extensively about the exclusivity conversation (for what it’s worth, I noted above that I agree with The Original’s direct approach, with the modification of having the conversation in person versus over text).

      Can I switch gears here? If my memory serves me correctly, you mentioned something in your original post that stood out to me and might be related. Did you say that you only see him once a week, albeit sometimes for overnight dates? Once a week doesn’t sound like much to me for progressing into boyfriend into territory. It will be easier to get to know him and learn if you’re compatible if you are seeing him more often. I understand well that there are exceptions. Heck, my fiance and I lived 2 hours apart when we started dating, and thus could only see each other 1x per week. Still, we had VERY lengthy phone conversations in between dates. If you and this guy live in the same town, there should be no reason you see each other so rarely (especially during quarantine) and I think it could limit your ability to deepen your relationship.

      If, say, he currently makes plans with you once a week, I recommend that you take initiative and invite him to hang out 1 additional time per week. Hopefully, that will grow from there. But there is a leap between “guy I see exclusively once per week” and “boyfriend.”

      And forgive me if I’m remembering that all wrong/confusing your situation with someone else’s :)

      • Anonymous

        Thanks Anonie, yes you are remembering right. He actually asked me after I asked him the above question whether I was happy with how often we saw each other now, and I said that this was okay but I’d be happy to see him more often if we can (it’s a bit hard logistically due to where we live in relation to each other + pandemic). But I was glad he asked that.

        • Anonie

          Ah THAT strikes me as a very good sign! I would recommend making it clear that you would like to see him more :)

    • Anonymous

      You want the GF label, I guess, and for you that is appropriate after 4 weeks. For him, perhaps the label just carries more weight. Let it play out.

      I know I am in the minority here. I am happy to give men I really like a lot of time to figure things out and it has always worked out when I did. But really consider if it is reasonable to say to another human being who is also trying to make good, long-term decisions for himself, in a sea of choices, without hurting anyone along the way — Time’s up. You have now met me four times and spent approximately 72 hours of waking time with me. I need to know now if you are thinking that you will more likely than not love me in a year. Otherwise get out of my life now.

      I have truly never understood this style of relationship-building. But most people here would have told me to ditch my BF of 18 months after the fourth date.

  3. anon

    Soda Stream – Are y’all able to find canisters, and are they working? We finally found some this weekend but the trigger on them seems to be broken. This was after months of searching. I am wondering if the company is going under or something. All of these cans are killing my little reduce-reuse-recycle heart!

      • anon

        Where do you buy them? We have our usual four stores or so that carry them but they’ve all been out for months (this is in one of the largest cities in the US).

    • anne-on

      We just use a competitor brand – sodasense. It’s a mail in and they’ll take back cannisters from SodaStream too.

      • givemyregards

        +1 they’re not the cheapest, but seem comparable and I’m willing to pay a slight premium to avoid having to run a specific errand for them. plus no issues with the quality so far.

    • Anonymous

      Yes and yes. Try smaller non-chain stores, e.g. there is a family owned appliance store near us that had them when Target and Bed Bath and Beyond and Staples were all sold out. I haven’t had any issues with functionality. Are you sure it isn’t your dispenser? If you had the same problem on more than one canister, I would begin to suspect the problem is not the canisters.

    • Anon

      We’ve been able to find canisters, but we’ve had issues with our devices. I had an original SodaStream from ~2011 that did not like the new canisters, and slowly released air so the canisters had to be changed more frequently, so we’re wondering if it’s a redesign to better fit the new models.

    • Anonymous

      We are able to get them at our local hardware store. Bed bath and beyond also has them in our area.

    • blueberries

      Yes, I’ve gotten SodaStream canisters by periodically checking their website. No problem with the canisters, though they seem slower to acknowledge returns of empties.

  5. confused

    I had posted a few days ago about whether I should break it off with a guy who I didn’t love that much but didn’t want to be picky. I finally did. He was upset, I felt bad, but it was rude of me to keep pulling this out. Maybe what I actually need is to be more selective (if I don’t feel it and I’ve given it a chance I don’t feel it) so I don’t end up in a situation where I’m dating someone I don’t like that much just because it’s easier to keep dating vs go on new first dates from an app or whatever

    • Anonie

      Good for you for doing the right, if difficult, thing! Offending him early on is way better than hurting him later, when he’s had more time to grow attached. Refusing to drag things out also gives you back precious free time :)

      Also, you mentioned that you are in your early 20s, right? I know you’re worried that maybe you’re being “too picky,” but the fact that you are so very young makes it even more likely that you just haven’t met the person yet. If you commented in another 15 years asking if you were being too picky, I would think that could be a possibility worth exploring…at your age, you probably haven’t even met all that many guys and few of them are likely even very mature. Heck, YOU still have maturing and “figuring out” to do. And I say that not as a slight, as you seem lovely, but just as a reality of life.

      I spent a TON of time at your age over-analyzing all of my dating behaviors and beating myself up over questions like, “Am I too picky?” Then, at 28, I met my now-fiance and I realized that nothing had been wrong with me before…those other guys just weren’t “my person.”

      • confused

        I’m in my mid 20s – hoping for the moment you had with your fiancé, and somewhere around that age! Thanks for sharing, it’s good to hear

  6. Cb

    Anyone have a good vegetarian cookbook published this year? Thought a new cookbook plus some spices would make a nice Christmas present for my mother in laws.

    • Lilliet

      Love and Lemons’ cookbook was published in 2019, but it’s really good!

        • Ribena

          MOB veggie came out last July but if they haven’t got it yet I’d recommend that – my younger brother is veggie-curious after a nasty case of food poisoning so I’m getting him it for Christmas.

          • Cb

            I had to make a chart when we started dating.
            FIL + First wife had two kids, split up and both remarried. Each had another son (and all lived in the same house, like some sort of hippie sitcom) and then both couples broke up.
            A year later MIL1 met MIL2 (My husband, then 14 was very confused, and it had to be quite hush hush as she was a head teacher).
            10 years ago, FIL reconnected with high school GF (then married) and she left her husband for him, moved to the UK, and then they moved to Canada.

          • Anon

            Is MIL1 the “first wife” in paragraph 1? Second wife?

            I would read this novel/memoir.

          • Anon

            Wait am I reading this correctly? Your husbands mother and stepmother are a couple, and his father is back with his high school girlfriend?

          • CB

            Haha, it is so confusing. Basically my kid has 4 grandmas. Mil 2 is my husband’s stepmum.

    • anonyK

      Cool Beans by Joe Yonan is good. I am also interest in responses because we went veg at beginning of year and I’m always looking for new ideas. I love the Cookie and Kate blog but haven’t bought her cookbook (yet).

      • Anonymous

        I second cool beans! You could pair it with an order from Rancho Gordo!

  7. Anon

    I don’t know if this is quarantine-related, but I find myself suddenly outfit-claustrophobic. I can’t tolerate turtleneck or crewneck anything, I shy away from the struggle to put on my knee-high boot socks, and the idea of leggings makes me want to scream. I have a bunch of ratty tee shirts that I cut the neck out of, and I’ve been exclusively wearing those, floppy Flashdance-style.

    I haven’t gained weight, I use MyFitnessPal and track religiously. I just…suddenly feel totally confined by clothing. Normally I embrace winter for the chance to wear cozy sweaters and bundle up, but the feel of something against my neck is making me squirrely.

    • blueberry

      Well this is me normally. If you haven’t gained weight and you don’t feel like your clothes don’t fit, don’t worry about it, there’s plenty of oversized winter fashion to embrace, especially since we’re at home. I recommend a cape or a nice fluffy robe

    • Cb

      I think it’s something about not expending enough nervous energy, I feel super twitchy as well. The only things that help is moving around more, I try to move a bit more during my breaks.

    • Anon

      I can’t wear blazers because I hate the feel of the collar pressing on my neck. Maybe look for some scoopneck flare dresses or tunics you can wear with looser pants.

    • AIMS

      My work from home uniform lately has been flannel button down shirts and black lounge pants from uniqlo. The black pants are basically sweatpants and I can button and unbutton my flannel top as needed. It all feels like pajamas but I look presentable for unexpected work zooms and can run out to the store.

    • Anonymous

      I have a similar issue with window shades right now – I can’t stand to have them closed.

      • Anon

        Thread OP here, OMG YES to this too! And normally I have to close up the second dusk begins.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve gotten this way and more so over time. I hate socks with a passion. And I won’t wear blouses anymore. One thing that has helped is paying more attention to fabric. When it’s cold out or if I have shoes I don’t want to get sweaty, I’ll do thin socks (not thick) and they have to be a poly blend. Instead of blouses with collars and buttons, I do a lot of silky tees with cotton-based cardigans. I’m also using a humidifier in the house thinking that maybe that will make my skin less sensitive. It almost feels like it’s sensory overload though. Not like a skin allergy or something.

      • Anonymous

        I have ASD 1 (and also an IQ of 140 and a fancy pants job, putting those qualifiers there since autism is not portrayed well in media). One sign of overload for me is having sensory difficulties especially with clothes. I personally find that natural knit (not woven) fibers are best to solve this as they are soft with stretch and none of that plasticy feel which makes my skin crawl. Which is to say you may have autism too. I was a grown adult before I figured it out, since women are conditioned from such a young age to be pleasant girls have an amazing skill at hiding autism.

        • The Original ...

          Sounds more like possible sensory processing disorder than ASD, however it’s very likely not diagnosable, just preference too!

          I personally cannot stand seams on my feet so socks must be inside out if at all, no shoes bottoms with grips or embroidered design or stitched in labels. I hate buttons or snaps so other than one on pants, it’s a no-go anywhere. Nothing tight around neck or wrists or ankles either. My work wardrobe was typically Editor pants, a vneck solid sweater, maybe a scarf or similar or a pendant necklace. Home is pj pants and oversized or vneck tshirt.

        • Anon

          I know I have always been sensitive, but I was much, much more sensitive when I had a magnesium and B vitamin deficiency. My doctor explained that we use extra magnesium, B1, and B12 when we’re stressed. So I wouldn’t wonder if some people are feeling extra nervy these days.

    • Curious

      For me this is a sign of anxiety (my sensory issues go up). It’s worth considering as a root cause so you can tackle it if you need and are ready, but I totally just wear loose stuff until I feel better. I can’t psych myself into making it feel good.

    • PolyD

      I wore turtlenecks all through my childhood and my 20s (lived in a cold climate) but by my mid-30s, I could NOT tolerate having fabric around my neck like that. I don’t love crewnecks either.

      Bu the good news is that there are lots and lots of tops with different necklines available. And if your feet are cold but you don’t want to do socks, why not indulge in some real sheepskin slippers or boots (like Uggs)? The real stuff doesn’t get sweaty like synthetic linings do.

    • Anon

      I couldn’t wear turtlenecks for the first 20 years of my life. I eventually grew out of it, but school uniforms with turtlenecks were rough

    • anon

      I’ve had to start wearing some of my sports bras (the ones with tags I can’t easily remove) inside-out when I wear them, because I can’t stand to feel them against my skin.

    • anonyK

      My people! I hate turtlenecks and many crew necks. Just hate. I got this new cashmere crewneck sweater that I otherwise love but even in that I am clawing at my neck constantly. I think it has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I’m fine with leggings and socks. Much prefer leggings to jeans or anything with a non-stretchy waist. I can tolerate high waisted leggings though it’s not my fave and I often roll the waist down a bit.

      I have no clinical anxiety or debilitating sensory issues though I can be a little picky about things. Like a white noise machine to sleep. I just figured part of getting older was figuring out that life is too short to be uncomfortable. I haven’t worn heels since my late twenties.

    • Anon

      Ummm… any chance you’re pregnant? This is exactly how I felt when I was pregnant, and why I had to wear loose maternity clothes when I wasn’t even showing.

  8. kh

    I’m sure this has been posted about but… what are you all using as a pocket book these days?

    When I went to the office I had a proper professional bag but it seems heavy and a bit much for the very brief outings in jeans or gym clothes that I complete these days. I have been wearing a fanny pack that I used to only use to fly or ski which is, amazingly easy and comfortable but pretty hideous. Debating buying a smallish cross body bag — I see them on websites and catalogs but I never see them in real life. Thoughts?

    • Clementine

      Currently using a fanny pack with no shame in my game. My BFF got it for me and it has a sushi print.

      I also have a cross body bag which is probably… 15 years old? Which I got at Coach (it’s just plain black, no logos) which I’ve used over and over throughout the years. It’s a great thing to own.

    • Anonie

      I LOVE small-to-medium-sized cross body bags! They are almost exclusively what I carry. I am not a very organized person, so I appreciate that they aren’t big enough to cram in too much junk. They require sporadic cleaning out, and I need that :)

      And maybe it’s a regional thing, but tons of my friends carry them here in the southeast. Kate Spade is great for that sort of thing and they have excellent sales, too. Fossil also makes them at a similar price point (similar to Kate Spade on sale). If you want to spend a little more, Tory Burch has some gorgeous ones and so does Brahmin. If you want a more splurge-y piece, Louis Vouttin has some that are stunning. I’ve never spent more than maybeeee $250 on a bag, but I was recently gifted a black leather LV shoulder bag that doubles as a cross body and I swear I want to be buried with it.

      Anyway, go for the cross body!!

      • Anon

        Here in the northeast (which I’d guess you are since you called it a pocketbook) the mid 20s-mid 30s crowd all carries small / medium cross bodies. I’ve gotten my favorite ones from old navy and target, but more brand conscious people I know like Kate Spade.

        Akso should add the caveat that I (and beaky everyone I know) aren’t wiping down or cleaning our purses, so no concerns with getting a leather one

      • anon

        The LV Noenoe bag – works as a cross body or shoulder bag and handles a surprising amount of stuff. It’s been pretty durable and I treat it terribly (e.g., shoving a bunch of tile samples into plus a measure tape while shopping for bathroom fixtures). Definitely on the lighter side for the high end bags. Plus, at the height of COVID, I turned into my mother and wiped it down with a clorox wipe.

    • Cb

      I have a small Orla Kiely travel pouch that holds phone, mask, hand sanitizer that I use if I’m just running into the shops. But I see fanny packs on all the teens…

    • Anonymous

      I have been using a Coach wristlet that I had bought to give as a gift. It’s not leather so it’s easy to clean.

    • Anon

      I’ve been thinking about buying a wristlet for the same reason. Currently just walking into store with my credit card and license tucked into my sleeve.

    • Anon

      I have a small cross body for every season that I keep by the front door for exactly this.

    • Anon

      Honestly, folio phone case for cards (wipedown when i get home) + reusable bag in my pocket now that it’s winter coat season.

      • AnonATL

        Same. Small card case for ID and credit cards.
        If I did carry a bag again, it would be my baggalini since it washes very well.
        My leather handbags are resting in the closet for the foreseeable future.

        • Anon

          I’ve started exclusively using my small cross body baggalini – washable, lots of zippered compartments so I can keep my mask stash separate, lightweight. It used to be my travel bag, but it’s working really well for my very occasional forays to the grocery store.

          • AnonATL

            Anon at 12:52, I don’t think most people are. I don’t wipe mine down, but it is nice to have a washable bag. This whole pandemic has made me realized how grubby my bags and wallet gets.

          • Anon

            Yeah, I don’t regularly wash it but it’s nice to know I could if necessary. And I am a regular user of hand sanitizer when out and I would worry about regular exposure for a nice leather handbag.

          • LaurenB

            I don’t think people are wiping down handbags daily, but the heightened awareness of germs due to the pandemic has reminded us that things we carry around, like handbags, etc. can get gross pretty quickly and an occasional wipe with a damp cloth can’t hurt.

      • Coach Laura

        I have that Baggallini Hanover cross body that I’ve been using along with a credit card clip that I take out if I don’t want to carry the whole bag. I previously used just a Baggallini cross-body wallet but while it does have room for my cellphone and sunglasses, it doesn’t have enough pockets for masks.

        • Coach Laura

          Oh and Clementine and KH, the Baggallini cross body bag that I have also has the ability to make it into a fanny pack if I want.

    • Anon

      I have all the bags…for what you are describing, a cross body camera bag style is good. That style easily fits anything you could need, and it’s easy to see down in there for ease of use. Wristlets are also great, and I use those a ton. The downside is not being able to fit my phone when I want to be hands free. The camera bag style can be left unzipped on top and nothing falls out, and I can just rest my phone in there when I need to.

      • PolyD

        I have a crossbody camera bag that I got for real cheap from Banana Republic Factory. I use it all the time these days. I also have a slightly larger bucket-style crossbody I got from Macy’s (I have no idea what brand) that I use for grocery runs, because it’s a little bigger and more easily fits wallet, phone, hand sanitizer. Plus with the open top, I kind of set my wallet up so that my credit card or whatever card I will be using sticks out, so I can just pull it out without having to fumble inside the bag for it, or even take out my whole wallet.

        I mean, just search “crossbody” at Macy’s or even DSW if you want to go a little cheaper.

    • cat socks

      I bought the Baggalini Legacy Everyday Bagg back in June b/c I was sick of lugging around my big purse. Since I WFH full time, I was able to downsize and got small credit card wallet too. It’s machine washable too, which I like these days.

    • Anon

      New Yorker tote bag, the one that comes free with the subscription, is all I’ve used since March. I’ve been thinking about getting a small cross body too, though.

    • Anon

      Definitely a crossbody! It’s the only type of pocketbook I use (used a large tote as my work bag and just throw my wallet keys and phone in there)

      Everybody I know just uses a small crossbody for casual use!

    • The original Scarlett

      I love Clare V bags – I have a funky fanny pack (bright multi-colored snake skin, surprisingly versatile) and am eyeing her cross body. Pre-COVID I just used my pockets, but now with all the masks and sanitizer, need a little more room.

    • NY CPA

      I usually use a crossbody unless I’m carrying a ton of stuff for some reason. Although I will say that I carry more stuff than some women, since those tiny handbags would never work for me, so my “small” bags tend to be more medium sized. Throughout quarantine, I’ve regularly alternated between these two bags (first one fits about half as much as the second, so only when doing very quick errands):

      https://surprise.katespade.com/products/chester-street-dessi/767883579695.html?KSNY=true&ogmap=PLA|RTN|GOOG|STND|c|SITEWIDE|Surprise|pla_ecomm_surprise_gg_br_us_en_bags_x_shopping|pla_ecomm_surprise_gg_br_us_en_bags_x||8197493259|85748829518|US&k_clickid=_k_EAIaIQobChMI0K-6gISZ7QIVgeGzCh0oFAG3EAQYCyABEgLPIPD_BwE_k_&utm_source=google&utm_id=go_cmp-8197493259_adg-85748829518_ad-399048547328_pla-402715067702_dev-c_ext-_sig-EAIaIQobChMI0K-6gISZ7QIVgeGzCh0oFAG3EAQYCyABEgLPIPD_BwE&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI0K-6gISZ7QIVgeGzCh0oFAG3EAQYCyABEgLPIPD_BwE

      https://www.coachoutlet.com/products/etta-carryall/F76938.html?dwvar_color=IMBLK&ogmap=PLA%7CRTN%7CGOOG%7CSTND%7Cc%7CSITEWIDE%7COutlet%7CShopping_No_Signal_Handbags_Brand%7C%7C%7C11528595260%7C112768030736%7CUS&k_clickid=_k_EAIaIQobChMI26r3goSZ7QIVCYzICh2WUQf_EAQYDyABEgJMVfD_BwE_k_&utm_source=google&utm_id=go_cmp-11528595260_adg-112768030736_ad-476623177612_pla-897629678763_dev-c_ext-_prd-F76938IMBLK_sig-EAIaIQobChMI26r3goSZ7QIVCYzICh2WUQf_EAQYDyABEgJMVfD_BwE&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI26r3goSZ7QIVCYzICh2WUQf_EAQYDyABEgJMVfD_BwE

    • Anokha

      I have the Madewell crossbody and it’s the perfect size for running out: it holds my phone, small wallet, mask, and keys.

    • kk

      I have the cuyana camera bag crossbody- it has a perfect little outer slip pocket for masks.

    • Edna Mazur

      Student ID holder that can hold a small bit of cash and several cards that is 10+ years old. I don’t leave the house much, but when I do I don’t want anything that is touching outside stuff. It’s been pretty liberating not carrying a purse and I might not go back when the pandemic is over.

    • Anon

      On the rare occasion I leave the house, I’m still carrying my Cuyana zip top tote that I used when I carried a laptop and went to the office. If I’m leaving the house it’s usually to buy something (not groceries, as those are delivered) and I can just shove into the tote bag.

    • ArenKay

      My actual pockets. I got one of those ultra-slim wallets, and try only to buy clothes that have real pockets for women (WHY, designers, are these so unusual?). I do have a small cross-body for when I need to carry more than just slim wallet and car/house keys.

  9. Anon

    Migraine talk please? Why is there no magical cure yet? I’ve gotten them my entire life (almost 40 years). Last night, I think it was a mix of hormones and not a great nutrition day and the emotions of trying to pretend this week is just an average week rather than the breaking of a lifelong tradition that’s my favorite time of the whole year. The c@cktail of imitrex, sinus meds, and antinauseas, and showers, all failed, and I ended up having to take a narcotic and even that barely took the edge off. Neuro says it’s just migraines every time I spend the money to see them and it’s just so frustrating to spend 6 hours doubled over in pain and to have today be a loss of a day due to it too.

    Does anyone have anything that works?! This can’t go on this way!

    • Anonymous

      I suffered from migraines for 10 years (real migraines, not headaches, like I was in so much pain I vomited in school at age 15). I tried so many meds and so many specialists without success. I spent much of that migraine time as a vegetarian, then one day I went vegan (for ethical reasons, not health) and two months later I had an epiphany that I hadn’t had a migraine since I became vegan. Now I’ve been 4 years without a migraine and it’s incredibly freeing, I still get the occasional headache if a restaurant messes up my order but I definitely don’t get any ocular issues or other nasty side effects of a real migraine.

    • Anon

      Imitrex gave me awful side effects, so I switched to Zomig.

      Do you keep a detailed dairy to track your migraines? Food, sleep, exercise, other meds? I’d suggest doing so, then trying a new doc armed with the info. If your current regimen is not sufficient to maintain “quality of life” and your doc is stonewalling you, you need to go elsewhere.

      • anne-on

        +1 – my comment is stuck in mod, but I’d highly suggest asking about the new class of gepants (google it, brand names start with U and N).

    • Anonymous

      I know someone who is getting periodic injections of hormones (I think?) that seem to actually be close to a magical cure for her migraines. A relatively new treatment, but I believe it is beyond the trial phase and freely available for prescription. I don’t recall much about it, but you might want to look into this, and definitely press your doc to think outside the box or get a new doctor.

    • anne-on

      Solidarity – have you seen your neuro recently? Immitrex stopped working for me in my late 20’s (caused almost instant vertigo, which was no bueno) and the other triptans I tried did the same. There are SO many new drugs out recently – I was very skeptical of trying one (and didn’t want to do injectables if I didn’t have to) and wow, Ubrelvy has worked amazingly well. Like, truly, migraine is gone in 1-2 hours without having to lay in a dark room for 8 hours/avoid screens/light/etc.
      In my sample size of 1, my migraines have gotten markedly better since taking a high dose of really high quality fish oil pills (something I started for my joints, but has also markedly helped with mental fog and overall occurrence of migraine).

        • anne-on

          I switched to the Omega-3 Wild Alaska Fish Oil triple strength after trying the Trader joes brand. It was a night and day difference, would highly recommend.

      • anon

        I have had the same experience with the fish oil (I started taking it to help with my dry eyes!). Nordic Naturals Ultimate Omega is what I take (it was the brand my optometrist recommended).

    • Anon

      Commiseration and if you have had them that long I am sure you have tried a lot. I am 43 and mine are primarily hormonal, so they are lessening in both frequency and severity with time, but they still get me about once every other month. I completely feel everything you said in your post. Triptans do nothing for me so I have had to do a lot of creative thinking and exploration around treatment.

      Two things my (amazing, supportive) doctor offered to me the last time we discussed migraine treatment:

      – He is totally fine with giving me a prescription for injectable Toradol, which is the only thing that will arrest mine when the other abortives have failed. When I hit day 3 on a migraine I call his office for a shot, and the last time I went in for a shot we discussed the idea of me being able to do my own shots. I know how to do injections from fertility treatment. Not all doctors will do this because of the potential for abuse but it’s worth asking.
      – Daily preventative gabapentin + metoprolol, a beta blocker. Apparently works well for many people. I take gabapentin and metoprolol as an abortive treatment and it works well (I usually add in some caffeine in the form of a cup of cold brew coffee, which seems to help the meds work and also offset sleepiness).

      I could write a novel-length post about lifestyle modifications, many of which I am sure you have done, but always remember, our brains cannot tolerate blood-sugar fluctuations, dehydration, and lack of sleep the way other brains do. (The book The Migraine Brain covers this in detail.) I have to be really rigid about my schedule and my nutrition. Quitting gluten helped a lot with my migraine frequency; I went gluten-free almost 8 years ago. I drink a ton of water and have a water bottle with me always, in or out of the house.

      This time of year is tough because late nights, bad nutrition days, and busy schedules are more the norm than the exception. I am sorry for you, and for me, and all of us who have to deal with this. I really do hope a cure is around the corner; I have lost so many days of my life to migraines it depresses me to think about it.

      • Anon

        I had reached the end of my tether where migraines were concerned with no help from PCP. A chiropractor suggested I try cutting out dairy, and that was magic. I was *extremely* dubious – thought this sounded like a weirdo theory from someone with irrelevant qualifications – but after almost four years with no migraines, I’m convinced. It makes some sense because various members of my extended family have problems with dairy, but basically, I don’t care if I don’t understand it so long as the migraines stop.

        • Anon

          I was just wondering why I haven’t had any painful migraines for the last few years. I still sometimes feel unwell in a migraine-like way when the weather is a certain way–weather changes used to be a huge trigger–but without any pain, which is a tremendous difference. Now I wonder if it’s because I quit eating gluten a few years ago. Who can say, but if so, I’ll take it.

          • AZCPA

            I had horrible migraines 1-2x a week prior to going gluten free. Now I have maybe 1 a year, and it improved within 2 weeks. This is totally a thing.

      • Anon

        I wish gabapentin was easier to get, or even OTC. So many now won’t prescribe, even telehealth won’t!

    • Wanderlust

      Agreed, it’s so frustrating. It really interferes with life and productivity. Have you tried Botox? I did it for awhile and it seemed to take the edge off.

    • nuqotw

      That is horrible.

      Not sure if you’re seeing a regular neurologist or a headache specialist. If you’re in NYC, try Dr. Mia Minen at NYU Langone.

    • Sunshine71

      Not sure where you are located, but if you’re anywhere near Philadelphia and you feel you have exhaused all local options, you may want to check out the Jefferson Headache Center. A relative of mine has chronic migraine and they have been the very best for her. She’s had the electrode implants in her head and has found they bring her significant relief. You may not need such a major intervention but their expertise may be worth a consultation if you get them often.

    • Anon

      There is a new-ish nasal spray for migraines which I find works really fast. (In the past, Treximet was my favorite, but it became less effective for me over about a decade of use, and Imitrex just isn’t as good for me.) The nasal spray is called Tosymra, and there are manufacturer’s coupons which the doctor has that let’s you get it for free because otherwise it’s crazy expensive.

    • Anon

      Have you tried Treximet? That has worked really well for me. I have also heard that Botox can really help but I haven’t gone that route yet. My doctor also gave me a vial for a self administered shot that I could take if I felt like I needed it but I haven’t used it yet. I have not found that anything else helps other than medication. Good luck!

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Memantine. It’s technically an Alzheimer’s med but I have had two mild migraines since I started taking it in January. Before that I was having 4-6 horrible migraines a month (no meds beyond excedrin), sometimes up to 2-4 a week.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Comment is in mod but memantine. Prevents migraines for me and I was having a lot of them.

    • Anonymous

      You have my sympathy. I’ve had migraines for 25+ years, they have become chronic and intractable this year, and I am scheduled for a surgery to decompress the nerves that seem to be triggering some of them. I’ve always used triptans (the type of drug Imitrex is) to so-so effect and unpleasant side effects. This year I started taking CGRPR antagonists – Ubrelvy as an abortive and Aimovig as a preventative. They work better than anything else I’ve ever tried and I credit the Aimovig injections for keeping the severity of my migraines down. It may be worth asking your doctor whether this class of medications might be worth trying.

    • Senior Attorney

      I had terrible migraines for years and the silver bullet for me was a daily cocktail of 40 mg propranalol (beta blocker) and 25 mg topiramate (generic for Topamax). At higher doses Topamax can cause brain fog but this low dose doesn’t bother me and keeps the headaches at bay. I’ve gone from 3-4 per week to maybe 1-2 per year. It’s been miraculous.

    • Anon

      Right there with you, Anon. It’s noon in my timezone and I am just crawling out of bed after getting a migraine earlier this morning. My experience is not all Neuros take migraines seriously, if you have the option, it may be time for a second opinion. I’m 30 and have gone through at least 5 neuros (have been with my current one for about a decade though). Other advice: if you’re not already on preventative meds, they tend to reduce migraine intensity as well as frequency. It also might be worth trying different triptans, they’re very hit or miss. Like literally try them all if you can, don’t just settle for Imitrex. Personally I find sumatriptan injections to work the best.

    • Anon

      Knock wood, but it was finally menopause that stopped them for me. Mine were more prolonged aura followed by not the worst headache and lots of light sensitivity, but they were still disruptive. My auras involved loss of sight in various spots, facial numbness, disorientation and difficulty speaking. Definitely not something I could power through at work.

      So now I’m pretty much in full menopause. I have new facial hairs where I didn’t know I could grow facial hairs, but no migraines (again, knock wood) so I will take it.

      Hopefully that is not far off for you!

      • Le Goat

        I have devastating migraines, that are thankfully barely noticeable now. This is largely due to a great neurologist, pain management doctor, and finding the cocktail of medication that works well for me, even if it costs ~$1k/month. If you need reqs in Boston (or Ohio/Michigan) let me know.

        1. I would find a doctor that specializes in migraines, not just your general, run of the mill neurologist. They will be most up to date on new medications specifically designed to treat migraines. The past few years have been miraculous in that there are now meds DESIGNED for migraines, not just meds that have a side effect of helping migraine patients.
        2. You need a solid medication regimen. Right now, I take topiramate, amitriptyline, and tizanidine each night, Aimovig monthly, and Botox every 3 months. I have also gotten nerve blocks at the 6 week mark in between Botox as needed. Finding the perfect cocktail for you will likely require trial and error, keeping a headache diary, and frequent follow ups with your neurologist.
        3. You need to stay on top of your pain. I have had migraines, like you, for ~30 years. My worst experiences (aka having to go to the ER, or vomiting in the middle of an airport in Shanghai) were when I did not acknowledge my pain level and actively work to remedy it via medication and environmental triggers.

        There is hope for you — when I was a teenager I spent almost an entire year living in the basement (in the dark), vomiting constantly and going to the ER almost every week. Migraines were my life. Now I get maybe 1-2 migraines a month, haven’t been to the ER in ~3 years, and work a demanding, fast paced job as a consultant — something I could have never dreamed I would be able to do.

  10. blueberry

    Y’all I need hobbies. I’m between jobs right now, kinda intentionally, although I am doing and looking for freelance work. I’m just really bad with free time, and when I get bored I get anxious. This is how I’ve always been, even as a child. Maybe this makes me a boring person, but normally I go to work during the day and then to gym (try new classes) / meet friends / seminars or museums or something else in the evening, and the same on weekends.

    Now we are quarantined in the winter again, and I’m with family in the suburbs, not in the city. I’m going to get back into an exercise routine using videos I know I like, signed up for 2 online seminars from my alma mater (don’t know why I didn’t think of this before) and try to get back into photography, which I used to be really into. I need structure, so I’m going to find a photography book or class to go through.

    Any other suggestions?

    • The Original ...

      Grab favorite books or poems and try the characters’ hobbies? Or start with reading new things and try those characters’ hobbies?

      • blueberry

        I like this! I have gotten much more into reading lately, but that just feels very passive

    • mynameisdonuts

      I think you have a really good start!
      Learning an instrument – If you go the guitar route Fender Play has some fun tutorials that are self guided and have entertained me these last couple weeks.
      Pick an author and challenge yourself to read all their books
      Check if museums have online courses/seminars
      Since you like structure and exercise – check if any smaller / boutique gyms are doing any online group training programs (many can be adjusted using body weight) that you can join.

      Good luck!

      • Notinstafamous

        Omg woodworking has been my covid hobby and this looks amazing. Thanks for sharing!!

      • anon

        very cool! i’m moving in december so not the time to start adding woodworking to my life but i hope they add classes in january soon

    • Anon

      I was the same way! Pre-covid, I didn’t really have “hobbies” because my nights and weekends were spent working out, going out with friends, and taking advantage of what my city had to offer (converts, street festivals, checking out parks, etc)

      I’m not gonna lie – it’s been a struggle for me to find some hobbies. I made a schedule for myself so I don’t melt in front of the tv. In the morning I do a cardio workout (run or spin), then I work, after work I do a strength workout. After that I do a hobby for approx 1 hour, then I eat dinner and then I can watch tv. Each workout is only like 30 mins, it just sounds like more splitting it up. Honestly, I could do it at one go but I like working out before work but I don’t want to wake up that early so I split it up.

      I did a lot of searching into hobbies and I’m trying out knitting, embroidery, crossword puzzles, and genealogy, in addition to reading (which I guess was my only at home hobby before). I’m not a “grandma hobby” person so was super resistant to try knitting / embroidery but there are only so many options. I hate puzzles and soduku, I only cook because I have to feed myself – i don’t enjoy it, I don’t have an artistic / musical bone in my body and I live in an apartment downtown so home improvement / gardening / woodworking are all out (even though I’d enjoy them more than knitting).

      I also make sure I read a few articles, do a Duolingo lesson, do my Elevate lessons, go for a walk, check in with at least one friend / relative, and read every single day. In the summer I was seeing friends outdoors a lot, but that’s not allowed right now so I’m reluctantly back to zoom hangouts with friends.

      It’s super structured, but that’s what I apparently need during quarantine.

      • PolyD

        There are some decidedly non-grandma embroidery kits on Etsy these days, including super easy ones, if you wanted to try that.

        I’m trying to do some work outs, yoga, learning cello… I want to pick up knitting again, too.

        • Anon

          Yeah the kit I got has a trendy pattern on it. I just mentally had a hard time getting over the fact that I’m now someone who knits and embroiders. Really not my cup of tea.

          I have a group of friends who (pre covid) seem to embrace being grandmas – they’re in their mid 20s but don’t want to go out, want to be in bed early, enjoy knitting or reading more than seeing friends and it drives me nuts!

          • Anonymous

            Why not get new friends instead of sneering at people with different interests than you?

          • Anon

            They’re actually some of my closest friends and I don’t sneer at them! It’s just frustrating sometimes when no one wants to do anything but sit at home when we all live in cities with lots going on (pre covid)!! I’m very much an embrace our youth, live life to the fullest kind of person, and they are not. I still really enjoy their company and they’re lovely people and terrific friends, I just can’t wrap my head around choosing to stay in all weekend.

          • Anonymous

            It depends what you’re doing in your city. A lot of people, including me, don’t view sitting in a bar for the 600th time as living life to the fullest (I’d rather knit!), but I do love meeting friends for high-quality activities like skiing.

          • Anon

            Yeah they really don’t want to do anything outside of the home. I totally get different strokes for different folks, so I try to not let it bother me. But in that particular group of friends it’s hard to mobilize because most of them are such homebodies. Even when we travel, they don’t like spending too much time out of the Airbnb. They didn’t used to be like this, so when we became friends the dynamic was different. I’ve just learned to have different friends for different activities, but it still sucks sometimes!

    • anon a mouse

      If you already like to exercise, can you add in a 30- or 100-day challenge? Like planks or pushups or sun salutations or something.

      Is there anything really involved that you’ve always been curious about? Do you want to infuse liquors to give as Christmas gifts? Cook your way through a cookbook? Learn a new skill – maybe you want to repaint your living space or tile a backsplash?

      Paint by numbers is also a good one — there are some really involved ones! I like to paint while listening to an audiobook. My hands are active and you can see the progress, but it takes a while to complete each one.

      • Anon

        +1

        Uncommon Goods has some cute ones (that I’d actually want to hang up – most other paint by numbers I’ve seen are not my style at all!)

    • Anonymous

      What about using your photography skills to make something creative — a calendar for next year — could be for yourself or a gift. A photo book of your favourite photographs so far, just because they are your favourites.

      Do a challenge to take a photo a day for the next 30 days and make a book of your favourite ones — try to find something unique and beautiful each day — might also be a reminder of 2020 to look back on in years to come — signs to wear a mask or physically distance, people lined up to get into a store – maybe drop those in between the signs of beauty and hope.

      • blueberry

        This is a great idea too. I kinda used to do this in grad school – take pictures of mundane things I saw on the gorgeous campus and post them on instagram, and its been nice to have those day to day pictures to look back on. People ( who have no relation to that college) seem to have liked them too.

  11. Leatty

    I’m worried about the next few months of this pandemic. My neighbors hosted a neighborhood friendsgiving over the weekend and there were 20-30 people there. We skipped it this year because we are actually taking this virus seriously, and I was shocked that virtually all of the families on my street attended it and no one was wearing masks or trying to social distance. Cases are soaring in our area, and newspapers are showing photos of packed bars. My city is also hosting a major event early next year, which I fully expect to be a superspreader event. The governor in my state has refused to do anything to curb the spread of the virus, and leaders in the state legislature have said it isn’t their job to try to control the virus. It is going to be a rough few months, especially if we need to keep our small children home from daycare.

    • Anonymous

      You need to start doing something about it. Write to your city council and ask them to cancel the event. Ask your state senators and representatives to issue stronger regulations. Donate PPE to the health workers who are being overwhelmed because of the actions of your neighbors. All of these actions will help you feel better even if they don’t lead to miracles. Above all, lock down if only to save yourself.

    • anon for this

      I’m downright terrified. We were a hotspot in April (DMV) and have just had three days in a row with record high case numbers.
      We took the kid to a new playground this weekend — we’ve generally had good luck going to new places early, and finding that everyone else is masked/able to keep space. There were so many adults, kids, whole families running around without masks on that we left after just a few minutes.

      • Anonymous

        Did you read this article in the Times over the weekend? https://www.nytimes.com/2020/11/21/us/coronavirus-south-dakota-new-mexico.html

        It’s downright terrifying: “In Sioux Falls, Joy Howe has never worn a mask or taken a Covid test. She vows she never will. She has fashioned a life seemingly unfazed by the pandemic raging around her: Unmasked church services on Sundays. In-person piano lessons for her children on Tuesdays and Bible classes on Wednesdays at their evangelical church. Sioux Falls passed a mask mandate this week, but Ms. Howe said she will not follow it. She is planning a menu of turkey, carrot casserole and strawberry-glazed fruit salad for Thanksgiving, when 20 family members will pile into her house. It is all deliberately, defiantly normal. “We have never stopped doing anything we’ve always done,” she said. The rest of America, she said, “are losing their souls. And with that they will lose this country.”

        People on this site have never liked the “you’re going to kill grandma” line…but this woman is literally going to do that.

        • Anon

          I know a lot of people who are doing things Joy Howe’s way. I think when churches take this stance it really sets the tone.

        • Thanks, it has pockets!

          At one point I was really frustrated with some of the older people who are either complaining about the lockdowns and going “but how much longer can I put my life on hold?? At some point, enough it enough!” and my boyfriend explained that his mom and dad are both pushing 70, and they’ve had health problems, and they’re at the point where they don’t know how much time they have left, and they’re really worried that they’ll have to waste a good chunk of what little time they have left sitting at home, not seeing anyone or doing anything. They’re at the point of their lives where they want to savor the time they have left with friends and family, and travel and really take advantage of their health and mobility before it deteriorates.

          I don’t mean to generalize, of course, I don’t think ALL people of a certain age are thinking that way right now! Just that it is *a* mindset that may be common among people around retirement age and above, and while I don’t necessarily agree and I definitely don’t think it justifies reckless behavior, I can kind of understand where they’re coming from.

          • Anonymous

            Sure, but it’s one thing for someone who has lived a long life to throw caution to the wind. If they want to die at 85 or 90, that’s their choice, but their actions put me, a 30-year-old, at risk. Why are they okay with shortening my life when I haven’t even lived it yet?

          • Anon

            I have a relative with a terminal diagnosis (2ish years probably) and it’s hard for him to balance that. He knows that a) his time is very limited and b) he gets worse by the day so even if there’s a vaccine in the Spring, he’ll have deteriorated a good bit by then.

            He’s late 60s and received his diagnosis about 1.5 years ago – just a few months after he retired – and he had plans for a very active retirement (traveling, hiking, camping, biking, etc)

            He obviously doesn’t want to cut his already short life shorter, doesn’t want to die alone in a hospital right now, and doesn’t want to do anything that would get his wife (also late 60s, but very healthy) sick. But, he knows every day he’s quarantined is one more day he won’t get back.

            They don’t do anything crazy, but aren’t as careful as other high risk individuals. For example – they started going for walks in the park in May, which was probably risky. However, he can no longer walk more than 50 feet at a time. So , going to the park was a worthwhile risk since he can no longer do that.

            They’re spending holidays alone this year, obviously. However, it absolutely sucks because he knows he has one or two holiday seasons left and who knows what shape he’ll be in by then.

          • Anon

            Sure, but if they get COVID they don’t get to spend time with friends and family and travel.

          • anonyK

            Yeah, my in-laws have this mindset and I get it. But I do think that is different than the lady in the article who is just behaving defiantly so the country doesn’t “lose its soul,” whatever that means. People who weight their own pros and cons in a careful considered way don’t bug me, even if I don’t think I would have reached the same answer.

        • Anon

          i dont usually wish bad things on people, and i dont really wish it on her either per se, but a part of me hopes she gets really really really sick from covid with long term side effects. i realize a vaccine won’t change things overnight, but they are literally going to start vaccinating people in a month. i dont understand why people can’t change their behavior for one holiday season. like maybe gathering for holidays will still be problematic a year from now in which case i would kind of understand people’s unwillingness to behave responsibly, but it is not like people are being told to never celebrate Thanksgiving with family ever again! I say this as someone whose parent passed away last year shortly after Thanksgiving. If that was the situation this year, we probably would have done a strict 2 week quarantine, gotten tested and then driven to visit

        • Anonia

          Yup. This is people in my area believe too. It’s incredibly aggravating, and none of them understand why the small minority that takes this seriously (teachers and medical) are upset about putting ourselves and our families on the line for their stupidity. I’m basically hoping/waiting for the holidays to pass as quickly as possible so that at least the harassment for refusing to join in group things and the Celebrate! Don’t let Your Life Pass You By! stuff is over.

        • LaurenB

          Flyover Upper Plains states: We don’t like how coastal elites look down on us. We are smart too, you know.

          Also flyover Upper Plains states: We elect governors who don’t enact mask mandates, we ignore medical advice, we ignore the doctors/nurses who are pleading for relief, and we think Covid is a hoax. Golly gosh, I can’t understand why the coastal elite looks down on us.

          They reinforce every negative stereotype about themselves.

          • anon

            Rural/flyover citizens: we want autonomy! You urban elites can’t tell us how to run our cities! No mask mandate! It’s my god given right to go to the bowling alley! Also heck no we won’t expand Medicaid!

            Also rural/flyover citizens: Dear cities, please let us take up ICU beds in your state-of-the-art hospital facilities when we need a higher level of care because our (often cash-strapped) rural hospitals with limited ICU capacity can’t handle all of us who have covid right now ehhhhhh.

      • Anonymous

        Really? Might’ve been one weird playground or an off day or something but overall in the DMV (at least Arlington) I find masking to still be pretty good. Now are people gathering too much — yeah I think so — but when you see them out on the street, store, farmers market wherever, they are at least masked.

    • Oh so anon

      Are you in Tampa? I’m similarly surprised and disheartened by local response (outside of our mayor) and concerned about the Super Bowl. But I can continue to be careful and thankful for the strict mask rules at our daycare.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      That’s really disheartening to hear. I’d be livid if my neighbors had that many people over! My neighborhood is practically all apartment buildings, and I’d be especially angry if there was a gathering of that size in one of those buildings, because it doesn’t just expose the host and their guest, but it’s a parade of germs that puts the other tenants at risk as well.

      I’m seriously worried that between Thanksgiving and Black Friday (not to mention how common it is for people to want to go out to dinner the weekend after Thanksgiving, especially if they have family staying with them), there’s gonna be a surge in hospitalizations in the coming weeks, and a lot of hospitals are already close to capacity.

      I get that a lot of people aren’t afraid of getting sick, and they’re more afraid that this will be someone’s last Thanksgiving and they don’t want to miss it, but I want people to think of the healthcare workers who are already feeling the strain, and the people who may not get the care they need if too many people get sick at once.

    • Anon

      I’m live in fancy Midwest suburb (which is to say…I live with some of the worst, most selfish people in the world). None of the country club set is taking this seriously. On Saturday, we had a ton of cars parked on our street – an obvious party. A teenager knocked on our door and tried to open it. When we asked her what she wanted, she said she was looking for the party. We pointed her to our neighbors house across the street and cautioned her to be careful. The same people hosting the party are the same people who think Covid is a hoax and are harassing our local school board and ID doctors because they want to schools to stay open with no restrictions including no masks. These people are morally bankrupt. They also run businesses and put their employees at risk. At some point, you have to stop caring and protect yourself. It’s hard.

    • Anon

      I’m having a hard time because I’m starting to see social media posts from friends who are traveling for thanksgiving and getting together in large groups already. I lose so much respect for friends I otherwise thought were reasonably intelligent.

      We are friends with a couple who tried to invite us over in October, telling us they were being as careful as we were. We almost went. But now I see since then they’ve traveled to Mexico and back, and are once again hitting the road for Thanksgiving.

      I have an autoimmune disease, I believe my doctor when he says I would likely get sicker than average if I contracted COVID, and it just bums me out that these people I care about just do not give a crap about protecting the more vulnerable in our population by staying home for one damn holiday season.

  12. CPA Lady

    Does anyone else feel like they’re losing it? I keep making mistakes at work, or discovering mistakes I made months ago, forgetting things, and letting things slip through the cracks. It’s probably not as bad as I think it is, but good grief. I’m so mentally exhausted.

    • AIMS

      Yep, and the worst part is I feel like I shouldn’t be because ‘I don’t even go anywhere, why am I so creaky and exhausted by 4 pm?’

      • Anon

        Yes ! I’m tired all the time and I don’t know why!

        I work out several times a week and try to take at least one walk a day (fresh air, occasionally some sunshine and getting the body moving even more) and am focusing on eating my veggies / drinking water / still taking my vitamin. I’m going to bed earlier and waking up later (no commute means I can sleep in!) so you think I’d be feeling the best I’ve ever felt. Nope. I’m so tired all the time.

        My alarm goes off and I can’t open my eyes. On weekends I sleep in and take naps.

        • Anon

          Same. I was doing really well in March, April, May. I think I was “rising to the challenge” or something. Then I had a slump in the summer, but I was doing okay again until the last few weeks. My doctor even tried adjusting my thyroid meds and also tried treating me as if it were spring allergy season (since there may be a second allergy season due to warm weather near me this year), but nothing’s helping!

          • Anon

            I was lucky that I was very very busy with work (like in person, 80+ hour weeks during the first wave) so it didn’t bother me. Summer calmed down, but it was summer so I was more active outside of the house (and I was allowed to see friebds outdoors), I was also still in person at work. The last few weeks have been rough (it’s dark by 5pm, can’t socialize at all, adjusting to wfh, it’s been bad weather, etc)

          • Anon

            I feel like daylight savings is what really shifted things for me, but you’d think I’d be adjusted by now.

      • Anon

        Also tired all the time! Do you think one of those sunrise alarm clocks might help? If my wake up is easier (rather than hitting snooze 20 times), maybe it’ll help me feel awake the rest of the day?

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I have been proofreading everything an extra time and still miss things. It’s maddening.

    • Anon

      Yes. I am perpetually exhausted and irritable, and it seems like I have lost all critical thinking ability. It seems like a monumental task to write a simple letter or email. No advice but total commiseration.

    • TheElms

      Yes, definitely. Some weeks are much worse than others. It seems like the mistakes I find are minor and the big important stuff is all correct, so that is somewhat consoling. So hard to think life will be like this for another 9 months to a year.

    • Anon

      Absolutely. I cannot concentrate on anything. I yearn for the end of the work day, but once it arrives I can’t calm down, and I find myself going back to try to get more work done and make up the deficit. I’m exhausted, but as soon as I sit down, I want to be moving. I try to clean and do mindless chores, but I quit halfway through, in favor of half-a$$ing something else.

      Sounds are driving me insane. The awful shows that my husband watches that I used to be able to tune out, I now have laser focus on. I go nuts when my neighbor starts his lawn mower yet again, just to make noise in his driveway for half an hour (grass has been dead here for months). The poorly trained dogs behind us who bark all day and night are making me lose my mind.

      I can’t make simple decisions. Piles of cr4p are lying in my office because the idea of reorganizing a closet to make room for things is insurmountable. I can’t even throw away shipping boxes, because I need to inventory what I’ll use to wrap holiday gifts, and that feels like brain surgery.

      • Anonymous

        Same, lawn mowers and dogs barking all day make me absolutely bonkers. Grass has been dead for months – must you mow the lawn at noon on a Monday? What is it accomplishing? I also have piles upon piles in my office. I don’t know why I thought I was the only one with piles.

    • CPA Lady

      I’ve been sitting here staring for way too long at an email to the big boss to get his approval to pay $73 in interest and penalties on something I screwed up in April. I know I have to put a sentence in there (to demonstrate I understand office norms) about how we have procedures in place so things like this wont happen again but it seems so pointless and hollow. My brain is more scrambled now than it was three weeks into quarantine/work from home when this whole screw up happened.

      I just wonder if the big bosses are as exhausted and scrambled as I am? Are they making mistakes too? They seem so full steam ahead.

    • emeralds

      Yup. I can keep it together for small, concrete tasks, but anything that involves higher-level thought or critical thinking is just…not happening.

    • Anon

      Yep. These are signs of burnout and depression. Try to take some time for yourself this week if you can.
      If you’re having trouble with remembering, just write it all down so that you aren’t taxing your brain as much. I find that if I’m good about notes and keeping my trello up and updated, I have less of this.

  13. Anon

    Anyone familiar with Trunk Show Style? They have some very nice-looking suits I’m interested in, but I’ve never heard of them before.

  14. Anonymous

    I’ve been asked to read a short piece for Zoom Thanksgiving. It should be secular and not too saccharine. Any ideas of where to start? I was thinking of a poem not about Thanksgiving directly but about gratitude or similar.

    • Anonymous

      Personally I’d read Shel Silverstein’s ‘point of view’ but I love going against social norms and am admittedly not into appeasing others.

    • Ribena

      I have just taken a leaf through Set Me on Fire, a poetry anthology edited by Ella Risbridger. How about Butter by Elizabeth Alexander or The Orange by Wendy Cope?

      • Anon

        No helpful comments, but I really enjoy Ella Risbridger and I wish Set Me on Fire was available in Canada so I could put it on my wishlist without international shipping guilt.

        • Anon

          Someone on here once mentioned being friends with Ella, so if that poster is here, please tell her we love her!

    • Anon

      I think the poem “Things to do in the belly of a whale” is profoundly appropriate in pandemic times. To me, it holds a measure of patience and appreciation of small things that I think would work well for Thanksgiving.

    • anonn

      A Kate Baer poem? Advice for Former Selves, To Take Back a Life, Things My Girlfriends Teach Me, 2020, Little Miracles, For My Daughter on a Bad Day

  15. The Original ...

    Preface with me being almost 40, single, not loving it but childfree so no ticking clock.

    About a decade ago, a guy asked me to hang out but I was only a week out of a major relationship. I handled it poorly, agreed to go out, realized he meant it as a date, canceled via text an hour before. Saw him at an event, he pulled me aside, said he was super disappointed. I apologized, explained, we parted fine and I moved away soon after. I thought his adult response and showing interest even then was sweet and flattering. 5ish years later, (3-4 years ago now) I moved back to the area and reached out. Found out he was leaving a relationship of a few years, we caught up (only ever via email or text), over the next month, it started to become entangled emotionally, I cut things off because he was still not formally single and it felt disrespectful to her to me. We both cried which told me I was right to do it.

    A few days ago, he texted. I no longer live locally. Nice to hear from him, flattering, I’m also having no luck on dating apps even though I’m not sure if I’d feel safe meeting in person due to covid. He’s still with the same person, says they’re still unhappy. I tell him that the last time, I cut communication off because feelings felt inappropriate. He apologized a lot and seemed genuinely sorry. Then silence. Which I’m fine with. I deleted his texts/number from my phone.

    I guess it’s growth for me to be open about feelings and to cut off what isn’t right, even though I have really been seeking some attention and someone to flirty banter with. Is this what adulting feels like? (she says, while eating cereal for dinner lol)

    • Anonymous

      Great job! Block this trash guy’s number and enjoy your cereal. Adulthood is about being comfortable with your morality not how often you eat cereal.

      • Walnut

        From this adult ate two cookies for breakfast, it sounds like you’re adulting on all cylinders today.

    • Anonie

      You did the right (and adult) thing! I would honestly block his number, while you’re at it.

      Nothing wrong with cereal for dinner. It’s vitamin-fortified, filling, AND relatively low in calories :)

    • Anon

      If he wanted to be with you, he would have left his current relationship by now. The appropriate time frame is a few months, not years.

    • anon

      You did the right thing. I think the first two times were crummy timing. He reached out when you weren’t ready and then you reached out when he wasn’t ready. But this third time is odd… he reached out while he himself is still in a relationship, the very same one he was supposed to have ended years ago. At this point it’s bad patterns, I wouldn’t keep in touch especially if you’re not even local anymore.

    • Anon

      Hahaha that is so cute and funny (or not) that he is “still unhappy” and yet won’t break up with the woman and set them both free so they can try to find people they can be happy with. How very “have my cake and eat it too.” Just what I’m looking for in a partner.

      You did the right thing. If he reaches out again, don’t respond.

    • Anon

      A guy who is still in a relationship he’s unhappy in and reaching out to prospects is not a person you want to be with. Sometimes “no one” is better than the wrong person.

    • Senior Attorney

      Good job! This is absolutely what adulting feels like! (What kind of cereal?)

    • Anon

      Well, this guy likes you enough to cheat on his partner with you, but not well enough to leave his partner for you.

      That doesn’t sound like the kind of relationship you want to be in, and it’s all he’s offering. You’re right to move on.

  16. filled with dread

    Please share your stories about breaking to a trusted and beloved mentor your decision to leave a job and move on to a new & exciting opportunity. Especially if the mentor is always in their feelings and takes things very personally.

    • anon

      I got this advice from here, the intro, “I know you’ll be excited for me.” It’s a signal for how you want them to respond. They may or may not. Don’t let your mentor ruin your excitement, this is big and so good for you. If they are a true mentor they will be happy for you! Congratulations!

    • anonnnn

      This doesn’t sound like a great mentor, TBH. My mentor is very high in our department and is on our leadership team, while she would be sad to see me leave the org, she would be fully supportive of me doing the thing that’s best for me.

      You can’t control your mentor’s feelings and there is likely little to nothing you can do to temper how this person reacts other than be professional, honest, and respectful. Don’t try to sugar coat it in a way that is fake, be straightforward. “Mentor, I’ve really value our relationship and I know that you will be excited for me as I take a next step in my career by doing XYZ.”

    • Anon

      Yeah I agree that if they won’t be happy for you then they’re not a great mentor.

      My mentor was THRILLED for me when I moved on to my new job

    • Senior Attorney

      Just remember, your job is not to convince this person that you’re making the right decision, or that they should be happy. (Although you are and they should.) Your job is to convey the information. Their reaction is up to them.

      If “I know you’ll be excited for me” doesn’t work (which it should — great advice!), “I’m sorry you feel that way” is a useful phrase for such situations.

      • Marie

        Agree. The decision has been made (by you) and your only task is to provide the information a way that is professional. Do not take on the added responsibility of managing someone else’s feelings. It is okay to express how you appreciated the opportunity to work with and learn from your mentor, but a new job announcement should not have the tone of an apology.

        • dread

          I appreciate you all and this advice SO MUCH. I was totally prepared to go in all apologetic and sad. This advice is completely correct and I am so grateful for your collective wisdom. “I know you’ll be excited for me” is a great suggestion, and even if i don’t use those words, it’s the right frame.

          • Anon

            You can say (if true) “it’s a bittersweet change for me, since I will be sad not to work with you anymore. I’ve really appreciated all the advice you gave me.”
            When I was a manager+mentor of a really great young analyst, it was bittersweet for me when that person left. Even though I was genuinely happy and knew it was the right career move for him, I was a teeny bit sad since we had worked together for nearly 5 years and it was a bit like losing a friend. (still text sometimes but not the same)

  17. Anonymous

    Where can I buy good fried fruit online in the US in small quantities? I need currants and citron and mixed peel and kiwi and strawberry etc for holiday baking and I’m struggling to find anywhere to order in less than 1lb quantities.

    • anon

      Nuts.com looks to have what you’re looking for….I haven’t ordered from them but looks good

    • The Original ...

      I’m guessing you mean dried fruit, but now I want to try alllllll frying all fruits. (Pretty sure they’d just pop due to high water content.) Thanks for making me envision what I’m thinking of as “What if Dr. Now ran a carnival? :)

      • Anonymous

        Mmm, yes I also wanted to know about this fried fruit … like elephant ears but with fruit? Yes please.

  18. sweater rec

    Felt moved to recommend the Dot Stripe Pointelle Sweater from Loft. It’s 100% cotton, washable (verified) and has much more structure than I have typically seen at Loft. To be honest, I’m not a huge Loft shopper because their clothes are typically too flowy for me and I prefer fewer synthetics. This was a huge find though!

    • Anonymous

      Cute! How is the sizing? Looks like it is 50% off already. I wonder if it will go further on sale this weekend …..

  19. Career switch

    I was introduced to a recruiter by a friend and will have an initial call with them tomorrow. I am trying to switch careers into analytics, I used R for data analysis in my previous role. I am now learning Python and SQL through MOOCs. I have a PhD in a scientific field but for these kinds of positions I plan on letting him know that I would also be open to entry level positions. But at the same time not sure that this is the right approach. Ideally if he had an open position, I would want to start in February or March 2021. Between now and then I plan to work on closing some of the gaps I feel I have in my skillset. If you work in analytics, what other advice would you offer?

    • Curious

      What you’re saying sounds right but may be a little conaervative. I hire into these job families at Amazon. If you are straight out of PhD you come in entry level; with 1+ years experience we can normally get analytical PhDs (physics, economics) in as a level 5 (which is post-entry level) data scientist. If your scientific background means that you know advanced math methods, such as causal inference, that’s going to be more valuable to us than Python on Day 1. We assume if you can get through a PhD you can train yourself. That said, you will do better in hiring loops if you know SQL so you can extract your data (not just R for manipulation). Hope that helps!!

      • Career switch

        OP here: I have a PhD in Chemistry, and have 3 years experience as a postdoc. I taught prior to my postdoc, also 3 years. This is good to know. Have not used advanced math like causal inference but definitely college level statistics. Will keep these points in mind when preparing, thank you!

        • hey, me too!

          Hi there, fellow PhD chemist switching careers! I sometimes wonder if there is something about chemistry that sets up people to follow such diverse career paths (many politicians, the Pope, Hank Green all are chemists by training), or whether I just selectively remember those people, or whether we produce too many chemistry grads for the number of permanent jobs in the field.

          • Anonymous

            Depends on the PhD. For causal inference you really need a social scientist, preferably an economist or a political scientist. If OP doesn’t have actual graduate training in causal inference, econometrics, machine learning, etc. and wants to train herself using MOOCs, she would do better to focus on master’s-level data science positions where she would just be collecting and manipulating data instead of doing the analysis. You can learn programming and data wrangling from the internet, but to really understand the assumptions behind statistical models and how to interpret those models, you need actual coursework that has been graded by an actual expert human being, plus substantive research experience.

        • Anon

          I loved finally reading something here that was in my native language! I feel I’ve learned a lot of info about big law here that I will never need, but hearing that many employers are looking for SQL, R, and Python experience along with subject matter knowledge of higher math and causal inference is something I can really use!

          • Anon

            +1 as an economist who specialized in causal inference, I Loved reading this! OP, can you share which MOOC you are learning Python from? Back in my grad school days I used a lot of SAS, R, Stata Matlab etc. but need to upgrade my skills.

  20. Big Giant Hauler

    Does anyone have a Suburban or Yukon XL? I really want my Odyssey to have a baby with one of these so I can have something with more clearance and 4WD (mountains, not all roads are paved, 1 snow plow in the county). I love the Odyssey (love love love) largely because I don’t have to climb into (I used to wear skirts/dresses a lot, especially when had kids to buckle / strap in) and sliding doors (kids are savages) that I can open remotely (helps with everything, including letting a hot car cool off as you walk to it).

    Was in a Yukon XL over the weekend with a fancy trim package and it was . . . very nice. Almost like a fancy apartment in size. [Yes, I realize that it cost about what my first condo did; this is why Mommy works.]

    I think that someone who knows needs to tell me why not or what they hate about having one. I’m WFH into the future so even the “OMG parking garage drama” isn’t a huge concern anymore (Odyssey is paid off and would likely keep). I kind of like that you see body Odysseys and Suburbans of astonishing age still on the road.

    • Anonymous

      Those cars are gigantic “f yous” to the environment. 15 miles to the gallon the city for a Suburban is not acceptable in 2020. Why not get a Subaru Forrester or something a little more reasonable that handles perfectly well in the mountains?

      • Anonymous

        Lawd, someone who already needs a minivan is not going to find a Forrester to be a reasonable option.

        Signed,
        Econobox fan but I come from families with 6+ kids

      • Anonymous

        I agree with you 100% but just a warning this site can be pretty anti ethics and attack anyone who questions the doctrine of Amazon.

      • Sickoftheyouth

        Well most vehicles will be electric at some point, so I really wouldn’t get worked up about the addition of one gas-guzzler to the mix. Your response was not responsive to the question, so maybe go find another person to lecture.

      • Anon

        This. Not only f you to the environment but your children’s future – the extreme weather and fires we’ve been seeing will only accelerate as the climate warms more.

      • Anon

        Apparently the Yukon XL gets “up to” 21 city, 27 highway. That’s not much worse than my station wagon.

        I’m more concerned about the ethics of driving a 8,000 pound car, which is extremely dangerous for the occupants of a sedan if you get into a crash. Sedans are getting lighter and lighter in order to meet CAFE standards, and driving around a car that weighs three times as much is a recipe for killing someone.

        • Anon

          It’s also pretty comparable to the gas mileage of a Honda Odyssey. People love to hate on SUVs but minivans are also gas guzzlers.

          • LaurenB

            They both suck. I don’t understand why people can’t just use regular passenger cars. I find the “but I can’t carpool” to be so bogus — so you’ll use a gas guzzler for 95% of your trips because of the 5%. If everyone had a more fuel-efficient car and didn’t carpool, we probably would be better off. Amazing how I raised my two children while driving a Honda Civic; what do you know, they fit in the back seat, imagine that. Now I’m all Toyota Prius until the bugs are worked out with electric cars.

    • No Face

      How many kids do you have? If you have 3 or less, I would go for a athletic SUV that seats 5 instead.

      The only person I know who drives a Suburban fulltime has 4 kids. It is a WHOLE LOT of vehicle for every day driving, and not just in parking garages. I actually really like Suburbans. But I view them the way I view 10,000 sqft homes. Cool to lust after but a huge PITA to deal with on a daily basis.

      If you want it for road trips, I would rather rent one, even several times a year, and keep the minivan as a daily driver.

      • Anon

        With three kids I wouldn’t do a 5 seater car, since that means you can never carpool or bring friends/cousins along.

        Growing up my parents had a few different Acura MDXs with the fold down third row. That worked well if we were each bringing a friend, carpooling to soccer practice, etc. It was 4 wheel drive which worked well for our snow situation (we definitely get snow, but not mountain levels of snow, in a dense suburb so everything was plowed within a day), but I can’t comment on your snow situation

        • Anonymous

          I have enormous kids (were taller than their elementary school teachers) and even the third row of the minivan could get crowded if we carpooled (often needed as I have a neighbor with 4 kids at 4 schools; this year, we have zero overlap) and/or went to activities needing any gear.

          So . . . to you people worried about saving the planet, think of the Suburban as a small private bus that gets another vehicle off of the street and causes less driving overall.

          Also, I got my VW impaled by a rock it wouldn’t go over and that was not a good day for me or for the car or for the people who had to come get the non-driveable car out and deal with the people who had been in it. Not all roads are . . . roads.

    • Explorette

      I have a Suburban that is an 08, and it’s in great shape and I love it! And, it’s surprisingly easy to park.

    • FP

      First, a preface: my family is in the auto industry and we tend to change out cars once every year or two to resell. I have driven a lot of cars. I previously had a Yukon Denali XL. Inside – it was GORGEOUS. I loved the room and the cargo space even with the third row down. We do a lot of road trips to see family, and it serves that purpose. Here’s what I didn’t like – having to fully climb in the car to get carseat buckles done. It was also a pain for city parking or any kind of smaller parking garage. If you don’t have kids who need carseat assistance, or you don’t do a ton of city driving – it’s an awesome SUV. It is so comfortable for long drives and the video screens were awesome for my kids.

    • Anonymous

      Do you just hate Mother Earth that much? A Yukon XL is an absurd arrogant show-off car that no one needs that gets atrocious gas mileage.

      • Anonymous

        An airport shuttle is a big vehicle for hauling people and gear. It serves a purpose.

        Can private individuals not judge their needs, which may be similar? My school district only buys XL sized buses. Half of the parents drive 1 kid in 1 car 2x a day in a line that may be a quarter-mile of idling cars. Maybe if people carpooled, this woudn’t happen, but it would take a big giant planet-killing car.

    • AnonATL

      I drive a pilot but have driven a suburban as a rental car for a family trip once. It is HUGE! Drives big and heavy like a truck vs my pilot drives like a tall sedan. It was a very nice car and trim package, but not fun for me to drive. My brother, who regularly drives a truck, had no issues with it.
      If you don’t need something that big (like you have 3+ kids and dogs), I would advise going with one of the smaller but sportier third row SUVs. Pilots and Highlanders are near identical. The Subaru Ascent might be sportier for you.

      • AnonATL

        Sorry if this posts twice, but if you want something with decent ground clearance, you aren’t going to be able to avoid climbing into it. You could get running boards to help with stepping into it, but that decreases your ground clearance.
        Signed someone whose husband offroads as a hobby and I now know way too much about ground clearance and skid plates.

        And another possible car rec: the Toyota 4runner. Doesn’t come with a third row, but it’s sporty and tall. Lots of cargo space.

        • Anonymous

          You actually can get a 4runner with a foldable 3rd row. It’s a pretty tiny 3rd row, though.

      • anonnnn

        No idea if they still are, but the Suburbans / Yukons used to be set on the same frame as the Chevy/GMC trucks, which is why they drive like trucks :)

    • Anonymous

      I drive an odyssey with 3 young kids (2/4/7). Our second car is an MDX with a 3rd row- it’s too small to be our main car our here in suburbia but was fine when we only had 2 kids.

      Mom friends of mine whose kids are a little older (5/7/10, 5/8/9, 4/6/8/12) all have some kind of suburban-y thing.

      If you are going to go with an XL anything and have the money to burn, go for the Denali trim package.

      Check your garage. Many of my friends live in older (pre 1980s) homes and the GMCs of any length do not fit in the garage- and absolutely it with a roof rack.

      • Anonymous

        No. This is absurd. A 3 row MDX is not too small This is why the rest of the world is horrified by Americans.

        • Anonymous

          Yup but Americans won’t look in the mirror and realize that the whole world views them through this self-inflicted lens.

    • Anonymous

      Toyota Sienna comes in a 4 WD version I think – no guarantees but I think I read that on some post that was debating Sienna vs Odyssey.

      I’m team sliding doors for life. I initially resented the hell out of my minivan but never having to worry about the kids dinging car doors in parking lots is so great.

    • anon

      How good are you at parking, staying in your lane while driving, merging and, well, honestly, staying in the speed limit? I ask because big suburbans do not handle like smaller cars. The steering is not as responsive as smaller cars. They are heavier cars. They don’t stop or turn on a dime. They don’t maneuver really well. They will amplify your driving weaknesses. I have plenty of driving weaknesses, which is why I bring this up. You may not even find that big of a car fun to drive for a daily driver. Think hard about how you will really use the car. There may be a better option for you.
      I am in a state where a big truck or SUV is a status symbol and almost impossibly tied to state pride. The drivers make the roads that much more unsafe because they do not know how to drive their ginormous status symbol well. It’s not cool, and most of the time, when you only see the driver in the large vehicle it makes you wonder if it’s really necessary.
      I’m with other posters here: A highlander or Pilot may give you the space you need with a benefit of better handling and maneuverability. Both these options will be plenty big enough to hold items from all your in city shopping or errand runs. For day to day driving they may be perfect.

      • KS IT Chick

        Another issue with the extra-large SUV’s is getting them towed if they break down. They can’t be towed by a standard tow truck; they need the same tow vehicle as a semi tractor. A lot of tow companies charge extra for those, since semi tractors are generally commercial vehicles that have contractual obligations to meet. If your SUV prevents them from hooking up on a stalled semi, you’re going to be charged what the semi would pay.

    • anonyK

      My sister has an older Suburban (bought used) and it has been a good, reliable car for her. It is gigantic. My brother has an old Lincoln Navigator which hauls his 4 kids and will tow his small boat, so that is another option.

      I love love love my Odyssey too– we initially considered an SUV for 4wd but decided we don’t really need it. The only person who regularly has to go anywhere when it snows is my husband and he wouldn’t be taking the kids with him to work, so he can drive my old RAV4. I work for the government so I can telework in inclement weather and I’ll end up having to take off if school is out anyway- you know back in the old days when we had real school. So I’ve never really felt the absence of the 4wd. I actually think that is even more true in the future as 2020 has really forced the telework issue and made it relatively seamless. Should be very few people actually driving to work in inclement weather, much less with the kids in tow. So I’d think about if you really need it also (but not for the moral/ethical reasons others raised- I’m sidestepping that entirely).

  21. Anon

    I’m rearranging and upgrading my place a bit and need a new floor lamp for my bedroom.

    I have my eye on a column floor lamp with shelves (I thought plants and cute coffee table books would look good) but now I’m wondering if it looks a bit cheap?

    I don’t have a great eye for design (I decorated the rest of my place with a lot of help) so looking for some input!

    Thanks all!

    • Veronica Mars

      I think multi-purpose lamps like that are a little cheesy, IMO. I’d either add a table lamp to a small table, or if space is tight, consider swag/plug-in sconces or wall lamps (CB2 has some lovely “Leggero” wall pole lamps). Or just a thin and minimalist floor lamp.

      • Anon

        I think this is probably right and along the lines of what I was thinking. Thank you for responding! I’ve looked at so many lamps now I was reconsidering everything I had previously thought about lamps.

  22. Anonymous

    I might get flamed for this, but I’m curious about the income range of a guy I recently started seeing, and I thought this board might be able to ballpark it. He’s a criminal defense attorney at a small firm that only handles traffic violations and minor drug offenses. Medium sized city on the east coast. Four attorneys – the managing partner, senior attorney (him), and two associate attorneys. He’s only been there a few years, but he mentioned that his goal is to become partner.

    • Anonymous

      I’d estimate around $75k. Firms like that don’t pay well until you start originating business. They’re all about the hustle. Generally they make you partner when you have a reasonable size book of business.

    • Anonie

      I am sorry but your priorities seem extraordinarily skewed. You know he is educated, doing at least reasonably well financially, and seems goal-oriented, why do you need a narrow range? It just wreaks of caring more about his bank account than his character. And what would his income even tell you? It wouldn’t tell you if he’s bad at saving, if his credit score is low, if he has significant debt…all of which would affect your theoretical future as much or more than his income.

      • Anon

        Wow. I didn’t ask for a narrow range, I asked for a ballpark. I’m not in law so I have literally no idea. It could be $50k or $250k, I would have no idea. It’s okay to be curious. I’m not sure what you can tell about my priorities from a simple post. Have a great day!

        • Anonie

          I hope you have a nice day, too! The question honestly grossed me out, but it seems I am the exception here. Wish you well regardless.

          • AnonInfinity

            FWIW, Anonie, I agree with you. This was a really gross question to me as well. I do have some friends who are pretty obsessed with dating men who make a certain income, and I also think that’s gross. It’s fine to want to date someone who can support themselves, but that doesn’t seem to be the concern here.

        • Anon

          Ummm girl one of my secret hobbies is trying to mentally ballpark how much money people make, I do that with every single person I meet, I would DEFINITELY not be able to stop myself from wondering about someone I was dating, LOL. I don’t talk about it with people but I do it in my head ALL THE TIME. Don’t feel bad.

          Also how much their house cost.

          • Anonie

            Hmm I had a boss once who bragged about how she looked on Zillow and our local property tax assessor website to find out the price of every acquaintance’s home. I had recently bought a home and the comment felt very pointed (this girl has other concerning qualities) and in horrible taste.

            But I guess everyone feels differently. EEK it all really rubs me the wrong way.

        • Anon

          I see nothing wrong with being curious about it! It is normal to be curious about something like that!

        • Anon

          I don’t like people dating for income, but the question didn’t gross me out. I’ve dated several men, who absolutely insisted on paying for expensive meals, etc and I’ve wondered if that’s because they earned a lot. I absolutely insist on splitting dinner when myself and the person I’m dating are in the same income ballpark, but when someone makes 3 times more than I do, I’m more open to allowing them to treat me to dinner.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, I didn’t take it like that. It’s easy to assume that attorneys make “big bucks” and I think it’s important to note that plenty do not. It’s still a decent living, but most don’t make the obscene big law salaries in big cities.

      • Anonymous

        I’m so confused by the pearl clutching about wanting to know in very general terms what kind of money your SO makes. There’s so many ways this comes up. Even if you’re not talking about marriage, you want to be considerate when you’re splitting expenses. For example, vacation planning. All else being equal, I’m going to expect him to pay half and I’ll push back pretty hard if he tries to be unreasonably cheap (ie, no I’m absolutely not staying in a hostel when our combined income is over half a million and we have next to no debt – actual conversation I have had). But if the guy is making like 20% what I do, I’ll be a lot more understanding about his budget limitations and I’ll have no problem covering the lions share.

        • Anonie

          I took this as a guy she barely started dating. Of COURSE, you discuss these things with a serious life partner. I just know that I learned my fiance’s financial profile (back when he was still just my boyfriend) because he chose to share that information with me in a timely manner, not because I posted about it anonymously soliciting guesses. I have a large social circle and I have never heard a group of women speculate about a guy’s salary in this way. It’s one thing to ask HIM…another thing entirely to ask behind his back.

          Anyway, I guess I’m in the minority here. I don’t need to beat a dead horse…OP, I sincerely wish you and this new guy well!

          • Anonymous

            Please stop talking about your fiancé and sharing advice about dating. You are the epitome of “smug married”- and you’re not even married yet.

            -Signed 44 yr old/ married for 17 years

    • Anon

      A lot of this depends on the comp structure and how busy the firm is. I think 60k is probably the low-end, and 120k is probably the high end.

    • Anon

      I would guess in the 150kish range, at least for now. That might be high depending on your city.

      • Anon

        That would be high in the non-ATL cities in Georgia for the type of firm you describe.

      • Senior Attorney

        I think that would be high even in Los Angeles for the kind of work OP is describing. I’d guess $80,000-$120,000.

      • anon

        That would be very very high in Houston. I would think somewhere between 65 and 80 based on that firm description.

    • Anom

      Sorry, but I think this is a reasonable question if you don’t have a lot of other background info about this guy or other means to get him. Gives you info on whether he lives within his means. And just bc you choose a life partner (primarily?) based on non-financial reasons, doesn’t mean finances won’t be part of the relationship.

    • Anon

      I would guess mid/high five figures.

      Unlike other posters, I don’t find the question gross… and I married a man who earns less than I do. There’s nothing to indicate that she plans on dumping him if the number isn’t high enough or really turning on the charm if she likes the number. Seems like she’s curious, and understandably so: the pay ranges for lawyers are shockingly large. It’s not uncommon for people to make $50k a year or $300k a year.

  23. Anon

    Anyone in the mood for fun shopping? BFF in her early 40s loves tie dye and things in that appearance (so batik, shibori, etc. too). She is petite height (about 5’1) and super hourglass with short waist (medium tops and 12 pants). She wants something not so flowy since that overwhelms her frame. She has light cherry coke colored hair, green eyes, super pale.

    She is thinking about adding to her wardrobe. She is looking for tie dye without it looking like summer camp. No clue on budget. She is open to anything except anything in any shade of pink.

    What do you like?

  24. Web site

    I need to build a website for a club I’m in now that we’re all remote. This is something that I think I can do either as a private FB group and/or something pretty basic.

    If you have done this from scratch, pls confirm that this is something do-able by a newbie, that I just need to be patient and read youtube and other tutorials, and that if I start now, by MLK I can get this done as something with basic functionality even if it’s not really awesome visually.

    I helped with a church website once, but my main contribution was getting a good domain name registered for it.

    • Anon

      I would use Slack if you are hoping to meet as a group on this website. Facebook is weird/bad in some ways that Slack is not.

      A private Facebook group is not a website and doesn’t have much a visual component, so I’m confused about whether you also need a website. But you can definitely make a nice looking website as a newbie. No need to make it from scratch: you can use WordPress with a theme if you want and just follow a walkthrough.

    • anonshmanon

      depends on what functionality you are looking for. An online presence for the club to share announcements? Google sites makes that very easy. It’s not very interactive though. You could include a google form for event registrations, but that’s about it.
      If you want members to engage in a forum/comment section, or have an online shop function, another tool is maybe better. An FB group or mailing list might work. Or a collaborative folder. None of these are too difficult, but which path to go down depends on what you want to do.

  25. Anonymous

    I am looking for home office inspiration/organization. I live alone, rent, it’s my second bedroom (picture a beige 10×12 room with a door and small closet with a door). I have a desk, good chair, and several bookcases. I need to figure out where to store my printer (almost never used, but when I need it, I need it within 5 min), office supplies, and too much paper – hard files that should be locked up if I have guests. I don’t have Pinterest and get overwhelmed by color themed picture perfect spaces that are never used. I don’t know if I’m looking for a blog or what…Ideas appreciated!

    • Anon

      Can you add doors to the bottom of your bookcases? I have Ikea bookcases with doors on the bottom half of one, and I keep my printer and all that random ugly stuff in there (my printer is small).

    • anon a mouse

      Drill a small hole on the back of a bookshelf for the cord and keep the printer there, so that you don’t have to do anything to access it. Get a small locking filing cabinet to keep in the closet for hard files.

  26. Anon

    I hate to post something twice, but it looks like my comment was eaten. I might get flamed for this, but I’m curious about the income range of a guy I recently started seeing, and I thought this board might be able to ballpark it. He’s a criminal defense attorney at a small firm that only handles traffic violations and minor drug offenses. Medium sized city on the east coast. Four attorneys – the managing partner, senior attorney (him), and two associate attorneys. He’s only been there 3-4 years (this is his first full time job out of law school), but he did mention that his goal is to make partner.

    • Anonymous

      IDK — it could be really low. It could be a decent living. Hard to say. Most likely it could be a tiny bit more income that public defenders with worse benefits.

      • Anon

        Probably the OP posted, waited a bit, thought it was eaten, reposted, the original then posted, you commented, someone else posted, the repost went up. Not the OP’s fault, we just never know if it’s waiting for m0d or eaten! :)

  27. Anonymous

    Low stakes hair question – I am 34, have had a bob (shorter than a lob) of some length for the last 10 years. I love it, it’s easy, my curly/wavy hair is pretty straight when it’s above my chin and takes 5-10 min to dry/style. Picture Maya Rudolph’s current hair. During COVID, I’ve been growing it out and can now pull ALL OF IT into a ponytail (took forever to get the front pieces long enough!). The bad news – all I do is pull it into a ponytail now. My normal hairstylist has been dusting it but she recently went back to school and I have a new stylist. She cuts my hair next week, and I can’t decide whether to keep it long for winter, go with the ease of ponytail, or cut it and start styling it as I WFH for the next….who knows how long. Thoughts?

    • Anon

      I just cut mine into a lob for the same reason. When it’s long I pull it back 100% of the time and I’ve started feeling super frumpy about it, which I didn’t need any help with.

    • Anon

      I’m a big lob fan, but I’m actually growing my hair out now. I realized I missed being able to throw my hair in a bun, so I’m planning on going back to collarbone length hair.

      My hair is wavy at all lengths (my dream hair style is a straight, sleek lob but that’s unfortunately not my hair!), so I usually wear it in a half ponytail to somewhat constrain it.

    • eertmeert

      If you keep it longer, ask your new stylist to teach you some new braiding options. I have a short cut now, and I would love the option to put it up in a french braid or french twist (just don’t have enough hair to do it) in addition to the ponytail.

  28. WSJ article on masks

    Did anyone else see the article in the WSJ re masks? It seems that the medical / hospital masks (the ones that aren’t the N-95s) are a lot better than cloth masks (which are better than bandanas, which we knew).

    I know that re-usable is better, but now that our #s are ticking up (and people are being . . . very risk-tolerant for the holidays), I’m upping my mask game to the medical ones. I’m sure that I’ll probably go back to cloth as we go through getting the world vaccinated, but I’d rather be more protected now.

      • Anon

        They used to be hard to find but now they’re everywhere (Amazon, Costco, pharmacies, even the dollar store).

    • Anonymous

      Interesting. Do you have the name of the article or a link? I’m usually good at searching but didn’t find it. There’s just too much information to wade through :)

    • anonshmanon

      I think it was always clear that medical masks are better than (even well-made) cloth masks. What has changed since May is that I haven’t heard about PPE bottlenecks for ages and that research indicates that the virus can be carried forth in much smaller respiratory particles that originally thought (but it’s not clear how big an effect these ‘airborne’ droplets actually have). Cloth masks help to some degree holding back your own larger particles, but do almost nothing protecting you from others’ particles. I’ve also recently been considering grabbing a box of medical ones, which I would wear for grocery shopping. That’s the only time I am indoors with strangers which is my greatest risk. I plan to keep wearing my cloth face covering outdoors when I pass people, which carries less risk.

    • Anonymous

      I have two issues with the disposable “medical” masks. One is that it’s now impossible to buy any whose quality I trust. Even the ones I managed to find at Target are some weird no-name brand that looks like a fake you’d buy on a street corner, and there is no official or independent certification on which to rely. The other issue is that they are made for men with gigantic faces and therefore gap horribly at the sides on me, an average-sized woman. I am sticking with cloth masks that actually fit plus filter inserts from a brand whose testing looks legit.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve noticed the same things with gaps on the side. I’ve taken to wearing a cloth mask OVER the medical mask. Maybe overkill but I don’t really know what to do these days.

    • Anonymous

      Medical masks are the blue surgical ones, correct? I had heard they were better and had grabbed a box at Target over the summer more as back up — like if all my cloth ones were in the wash. So tried one on the other day at home and felt like the top and bottom were fine, the top has a wire so you can contour it to your face, yet their were huge gaps at the side of my face where air would get in. Is this normal? Or are these too big for my face? I found myself saying ok these are a back up when I NEED a mask and all others are in the laundry or maybe these are ok for double masking but I can’t go out in this. Yet all I hear now is that medical masks are so much better.

      • Anon

        They fit this way on me too. I have worn them to the park when I’m not within 10 feet of anyone anyway, but I breathe so easily I wonder how much they’re helping. My KN95s by contrast suction to my face! That’s what I wear when walking when I know there will be people around.

      • NY CPA

        Not all blue masks are medical masks. Many say “not to be used for medical or surgical purposes”. My understanding is that the surgical medical masks are 3-ply made of some sort of specific material.

        With the blue disposable face masks though, I did have to try a few brands before I found ones that were the right size/cut to fit my face. I just bought a lot from that brand once I found them.

      • Anon

        This is hard to explain so you might want to look at a video on YouTube but the way to get them to fit is to make a small knot in the ear loop near the mask. That gathers the material closer to your face and makes the ear loops smaller.

        • Anonymous

          It makes the ear loops smaller, but it makes the mask gap at the sides even more. The issue is that the masks are too tall at the sides for longer faces.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I was hospitalized for a week in early October (it wasn’t COVID) and every doctor and nurse wore the blue hospital masks. I switched to wearing those almost exclusively- I hate cloth masks, they feel super restricting. I find the surgical masks more comfortable and if they’re good enough for my medical team to wear to protect me and themselves, they’re good enough for me.

      • LaurenB

        I wear the blue hospital masks as well — even though they are supposed to be disposable, you can really wear them a week or two before you need to dispose of them. They fit much better than any cloth mask I’ve tried.

    • The Lone Ranger

      Are they better than cloth masks that have the filter pockets and are used with filters?

    • Anon

      Yes, my household has switched to more protective masks now that the infection rates are surging, particularly in my area. I did a lot of research and landed on bonafidemasks dot com, particularly for their KN95 masks. Lots of people in my outer circle who take just about every precaution have gotten Covid in the past few weeks, and have no idea where they got it. So, higher quality PPE makes sense to me to get through these winter months when staying home isn’t an option.

    • Anon

      I think the earlier Duke study found pretty much the same thing. I’ve been wearing the blue medical masks since then. I get mine on amazon and I do tend to reuse them because I only go out for maybe an hour at a time and figure medical pros get 8+ Hours wear out of a single mask.

    • Anon

      Linsey Marr is a respected authority on this, she just published this in MedArxiv (preprint, not peer-reviewed)

      Inward and outward effectiveness of cloth masks, a surgical mask, and a face shield
      Jin Pan, Charbel Harb, Weinan Leng, View ORCID ProfileLinsey C. Marr
      doi: https://doi.org/10.1101/2020.11.18.20233353
      https://www.medrxiv.org/content/10.1101/2020.11.18.20233353v1

      From her twitter : “Take-home: Cloth masks are not an N95, but they work reasonably well for aerosols 1-2 microns and larger, which is the size that we think mostly mediates transmission. ”

    • ChiAnon

      Quince (formerly last brand) has some good cashmere for cheap prices. It’s more of a budget option though.

    • Anon

      Haven’t tried it personally, but I’ve heard good things about Quince. I think their women’s sweaters were featured here one day.

  30. sfchic

    Looking for cookbook recommendations.

    I wanted to give a young relative (?15) a cookbook that she can work her way through. She has really been enjoying learning how to cook/bake during the pandemic. She eats mostly pescatarian-ish (very little meat/chickem), “potato based foods” are currently her comfort foods, and her Mom grew up in Asia and they eat a lot of Chinese/Japanese food at home (which she loves, but doesn’t really know how to cook either).

    Things she has learned to cook/make lately are pizza from scratch, hummus + pita from scratch, cinnamon rolls.

    These days she randomly finds recipes on the internet. Guess that’s what I mostly do too, even though I have tons of cookbooks!

    • TheElms

      Mark Bittman’s how to cook everything the basics — only downside is there is quite a bit of meat/chicken but it has fantastic photos on how to do basic skills like chop, saute etc.

    • Anan

      How about a subscription to Cooks Illustrated?
      Or if she wants to continue the baking vein King Arthurs Baker’s Companion is very thorough and educational.

    • Anon

      For a pescatarian, not sure Salt Fat Acid Heat is a great rec, even though I love Samin (her podcast is great). I got it from the library recently and found it very meat centric (I don’t eat meat). Mark Bittman’s books are pretty good simple overviews and my most used books are the Cooks Illustrated/America’s Test Kitchen books. It looks like the Best Recipe ones are now out of print (these really were the best!), so maybe the Test Kitchen vegetarian book or the general Cooks Illustrated one? I also like the Cook’s Country one if that’s still available.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I agree with How to Cook Everything: The Basics, but also, my dad got me (and all my cousins) Joy of Cooking before we went to college and I use it more than any other cookbook.

    • Anon100

      Joe Yonan’s Eat Your Vegetables: Bold Recipes for the Single Cook is one I bought myself shortly out of college and I still find it useful years later.

    • Anon

      Can’t go wrong with the Joy of Cooking. The current generation of Rombauers, a millennial guy and his wife, updated it in 2019. The wife is a former vegetarian who added many of her favorite veggie recipes.

      The thing I like about Joy is that it has in depth discussions about all ingredients and methods, not just recipes.

    • Mal

      I love In The Sweet Kitchen for baking – great recipes, and a really useful front section all about baking ingredients, how-to, etc.

  31. Anon

    Those of you who live with other people, whom you normally adore, how often do you fantasize about living alone?

    • anne-on

      In the before times, probably once a month, but business trips mostly scratched that itch for me. Now, I think every single person I know would happily ditch their family for either a solo spa weekend or a business trip to a fun destination where they could squeeze in some sight seeing (introverts vs. extroverts).

      • Anokha

        I don’t fantasize about living alone (total extrovert), but I do fantasize about dropping my kids off somewhere (grandparents) and having like a week in total quiet with my husband. Alternately, going on a longgggg flight in first class to a foreign country where I can stay at a nice hotel and have someone make my bed and order room service and soak in a tub drinking a glass of red wine and reading my Kindle. So, uh, I clearly think about this daily.

      • No Face

        FYI I’m being facetious. I think livimg completely alone during this pandemic would be incredibly difficult, even though I love solitude. I just wish I was rich enough to own an apartment that I could sit in by myself every once in a while.

    • Panda Bear

      Ha ha ha ha….lately, all the time! More realistically – and the person in question is my husband – its a passing thought whenever I trip over the shoes he left in the hallway, or we disagree about whether its worth the money for some home improvement project I want. So maybe a handful of times a month? Since covid, much more so, because we are both driving each other a little crazy. We both used to travel – separately and together – a lot, so its been hard to be home together so much with no end in sight.

    • Anonymous

      Never. It’s one of the few bright spots in this horrible year that my marriage is stronger than ever. We really enjoy being around each other, although I will say that it would be harder if we were still living in 500 square feet. Now we’re in 1,000 and it’s so much better.

      • Anon

        Reporting from 500 square feet: I still love my husband, but I’m starting to hate the apartment!

    • BeenThatGuy

      In before times, never. Now, once a week. Yesterday, I was home alone for 1 hour. It was 60 minutes of pure bliss!

    • Anon

      Currently, hourly. In the before times, hourly. I am a giant hermit who adores dead silence. If I were rich, I would want to do a Burton-Carter connected house thing.

    • The Original ...

      It’s been a bright spot for me in that, I’m single, no kids, childfree, and have only lived in rentals. I’m also fairly introverted. My whole adult life I’ve gotten negativity for these. Now, no one is telling me I should have settled just to be married already or I should have had kids because my life is lesser without them or I should own property just to own it. For once, people are either silent or saying they wished they had my life. It’s a fantastic change!

      • Anonymous

        You’re lucky. I’m in the same boat and pretty content as I’m in introvert anyway and have taken up a few hobbies like learning a language etc in my free time, plus studying for an additional licensing exam. And yet I get the pathetic — are you lonely? Why don’t you go home to mommy and daddy? Oh you’re STILL in an apartment, why can’t you buy a house — comments? And I’m 40 so my apartment — rental or not – is home; I’m not a college kid who goes home at the end of the semester. And one of the people making this comments is being driven nuts by a life she doesn’t love. She and the husband have had issues for years as she’s a workaholic who is only content with work accolades and he’s a stay home dad who as the kids have gotten to be more independent at 8-12 year olds basically video games/watches movies all day yet enjoys the nice life that her biglaw partnership and 80 hour weeks provide; as she scoffs at his laziness. And the preteens are well preteens and she’s not used to spending that much time with them. Yet she has the nerve to tell me to go home to mommy and daddy. It was all I could do not to be like so how are you and Bob, do you think the marriage will survive this? I’m not usually a mean person yet I’ve gotten to the point where if you’re mean to me, I don’t feel I need to take it like I did at age 22.

    • Anon.

      Hahahahaha. Every day now?

      In pre-pandemic times, my husband traveled a few times a year, and so did I.
      The joy of cooking whatever I like and he doesn’t. Not having to ask another person to coordinate schedules (even when I had to do 100% of the childcare etc).

    • Seventh. Sister

      Only on days that end in y. I’m far more suited to living alone than my extroverted husband.

    • Anon

      I’m glad I’m not alone :) I keep “shopping” for tiny studios on leafy streets, where I can live happily alone with one plate, bowl and cup and 1,000 of my favorite books.

      • pugsnbourbon

        My fantasy is a teeny tiny apartment on the beach. When I can’t sleep I try to imagine every small detail of it – the color of the walls, where the coffeemaker in the kitchen will be, etc. Then I usually dream about the ocean, which is nice.

    • Anon

      Married 20 years, two late teen kids. I love having everyone home right now and I also hate it! It’s normal to feel a little cabin fever in these times. Business travel used to be my salvation.

    • CHL

      I actually dream about it about once a week. Different scenarios but it is there hanging out in my subconscious.

    • La+Di+Dah

      Well I live with people I don’t always adore and I fantasize constantly about living alone.
      So much so, I am shopping for in investment home/second home….

  32. anon

    Fun question: what are your favorite cheap slippers? Uggs are the usual suggestion, but I would not like to spend that much. I don’t usually wear slippers but since we’re all at home this year, I thought this is the year to do it! Here is the complicating part (in my head) I want to feel put togetherish, not in fluffy slippers lounge mode. I walk around the house a lot all day (chasing 2 kids), so I’d like something sporty. Is that a thing?

    • Anon

      Look for slippers that are more like clogs? Or wear slip-on sneakers like Skechers.

    • Anon

      I’m not sure if this is exactly what you’re looking for, since I wouldn’t exactly say they make me feel put together, but I like wool or fleece clog style slippers with firm soles that you can use to go outside get the mail or something like that in. I’ve had nicer ones from Acorn and Merrell and Clarks and some really cheap ones from Amazon, but they’re all a lot cheaper than Uggs or most of the other ones people talk about here. I wear them every day all year long and they usually last a couple years before they break down or get really smelly.

    • Anon

      I got a pair from target this year that I love. They look more like loafers than moccasins, they’re fur lined but you can’t see it if you’re wearing them, and they have real soles. I don’t believe in wearing any sort of shoes in my house (will wear socks if I’m freezing but my natural state is barefoot), so I just throw them on if I’m taking out trash / meeting a delivery / running to my friends down the block and don’t want to deal with shoes

    • Sunshine71

      Muk Luks are my go-to. Lots of different colors and styles and most have a real sole on them just in case you have to step outside.

    • AnonATL

      I have some felt clogs from Earth Origins I love for this purpose. I got mine for a steal on Sierra Trading post.

    • RW

      Tempurpedic have been my favorites. Got them from zappos for under 50 I think. Super plus and comfy.

  33. Anonymous

    Anyone in or from the Southern NJ area? Are there any places that you’d recommend that would be a nice place to go for a christmas/holiday-ish drive? So I’m actually NOT looking for a tacky light tour. I’m more interested in whether there are any cute small towns with say a main street that’s nicely decorated and town square with a tree. Bonus points if it’s something that could be just driven thru by car as I’m not interested in walking and then being like – oh did we get too close to that one family on the sidewalk. Or any residential neighborhoods known for nice light displays?

    Alternatively I also like big city commercial christmas lights — where would one drive thru those in Philadelphia? IDK if office buildings/plazas will do them this year but they’re typically quite nicely done in cities like DC so I imagine it’s the same in Philadelphia. Would something like Market Street be good for that? Again also interested in driving for this; I know there’s attractions like the River Rink etc in Philly — IDK if they’ll open this year but even if they do, it’s too close to other people plus we’re a family that’s more into cute architecture and decor rather than specific activities.

    • Anon

      Miracle on 13th St in Philly! It’s 13th St btwn Tasker and Morris. Also, some pockets off of Oregon Ave have some nice lights (sorry don’t remember where).

      The Macy’s lightshow is (wisely) canceled this year, but I believe the one in Franklin Square is still happening. That’s in a park so it’s easy to distance. The City Hall Christmas tree is in a new location this year to make distancing easier. Unbelievably, the Love Park Christmas Village is still open this year, as is the Dilworth Plaza ice skating.

      Market St in Philly isn’t actually the man shopping blocks – they’re on Walnut and Chestnut but aren’t super scenic for the holidays. Rittenhouse Sq is usually lit up to walk through. The Comcast building does a light show, but probably not this year. In normal years, Chestnut Hill is festive on Wednesday nights (called Stag and Doe night), but I wouldn’t do that this year. For nice architecture / cute towns I’d check out Old City / Society Hill and Chestnut Hill.

      I have NO clue if they do anything (I only go to Jersey to go down the shore), but Haddonfield /Moorestown / Collingswood are cute little towns in South Jersey that might have cute displays or a town tree on their Main St.

    • BeenThatGuy

      Although I haven’t been, I hear Cape May is magical at Christmastime. Also, I’d imagine they do something special in Historic Smithville.

      • theguvnah

        Smithville is super cute but it’s walking, you can’t really drive through.

        Cape May probably works, and maybe Ocean City too, or Avalon or Stone Harbor? any of those small shore towns are cute and bonus is the beach in winter is a beautiful, bracing dream – run around and be nearly alone.

        I wonder if Hammonton or other inland towns might fit the bill too, but again, they’re tiny so you’re talking a “drive:” that will take all of 5-10 minutes…
        Maybe Batsto too, again if you’re willing to walk outside (which in most of these places would probably be fine!).

    • SJanon

      Haddonfield is super cute for Christmas. They usually have carolers on Friday nights, but I don’t know if Covid has changed that.

  34. Christmas plaid dress

    I saw an ad for the cutest plaid dress on either Facebook or Instagram this weekend but now I can’t seem to find it! I scrolled back several days and it seems to have disappeared. I think it was from a company in Rhode Island. The dress was about knee length, came in different plaid colors and had a flared skirt (I think that is how you would describe it – it wasn’t a straight skirt). I know this is a long shot but has anyone seen this ad and can remember the name of the company?

    • Anonie

      Keil James Patrick?

      I’ve never purchased from them, but their ads sounds like exactly what you’re describing. I am contemplating buying one of their lobster sweaters! Maybe someone can comment on brand quality?

      • all a

        It’s about Target level quality. You’ll get a good year, maybe two out of it.

    • Anon

      Wow, looking at the Kiel James Patrick website is a trip. The models are so picture-perfect (even the dog) it’s almost satire.

    • OP

      OP here, and omg, yes it was Kiel James Patrick!! Thank y’all so much! Many thanks!! :)

  35. Anonymous

    This has probably been asked before but is there a benefit to double masking if you’re going to be in a confined space for say 2-5 min? We’re talking like an office lobby/hallway/elevator that doesn’t have outdoor ventilation where you’re not necessarily going to run into people but you certain can. I know medical professionals are just trying to get people to wear one mask but is this a situation where double masks are better?

    • Anonymous

      I would double mask with a medical mask underneath for filtration plus a cloth mask over it to improve the fit.

      • Anonymous

        OP, brush off this disaster of a person please. Thank you for being cautious at a time when so many don’t care.

    • Anon

      I’ve bought n95s for this reason specifically – enclosed tight spaces. I only wear them in places I’ll know I’ll be confined for long periods of time or with little air flow – elevators, doctor’s offices, meeting rooms for work. Otherwise a medical mask alone or with a cloth mask on top (honestly for style purposes lol) is what I usually use.

    • Anonymous

      Yes if your mask is not three layer. Current public health recommendation in Canada is to wear a three layer mask, some of mine are two layer so I do double mask with those for close quarters.

    • Anon

      I’ve double masked in those situations. FWIW, when I went to my eye doctor for an eye exam, they made you double mask when you walked in the door – they handed you a blue medical mask and asked you to put it on on top of your own mask.

  36. Anon

    Was there any update from the poster last week (maybe the week before) who’s partner was being cagey about getting engaged after agreeing it would be before the end of the year? I’m hoping he was just planning a surprise.

    • Anon

      Yes, fingers crossed for her!

      Also have been wondering about the OP who found a scrapbook of her husband’s that indicated he was having an affair. Hoping for the best for her!

      • Marie

        I would love an update on that one too! There are some stories that really stick with me that show up around this place, and that is one of them. I hope she is okay.

    • Anonymous

      That was me! No engagement yet. I talked to him after I posted here, thanks for your comments, all. He was surprised and perplexed that I was feeling anxious. It was a good talk, he opened up a little more, so I’m letting it be for now. I have a feeling I might have to tell him “by the end of the year” does not mean New Year’s Eve. It is not fun or romantic to make me think our relationship is ending. Idk how to say that without sounding like an ultimatum. I might phrase it as – I want our engagement day to be a special day all by itself for us to enjoy just the two of us, not a holiday that we’ll celebrate anyway and perhaps with friends, Covid permitting.

      • Anon

        I do think it’s a little disingenuous to say “by the end of the year” and then backtrack and say “before the end of the year.” If he’s planning a NYE proposal and you tell him that’s not good enough for you, that’s pretty harsh.

        • anonshmanon

          agree completely. If you don’t mean ‘by the end of the year’ then you need to not say it. If it’s really that important to you, then acknowledge that you are backtracking when you bring it up. But yeah, if I had an awesome proposal with a fireworks backdrop planned and you’d just casually rule out NYE, I’d feel like you are ruining my plan. I also wonder what other unspoken rules you have that I can’t possibly know and be much more worried about disappointing you.
          FWIW, I have friends who got married on NYE, and it was a lovely wedding and now with two kids, I am pretty sure they feel fine about lumping together two holidays to make things a little easier.

      • Anon

        +1 I dont think you should say this. You already gave him an ultimatum. The ball is in his court. Now he gets to decide when and how to meet your terms.
        If you feel strongly about it, maybe you should propose? You don’t get to want him to propose on his own, by a certain date, with a type of ring and other factors, but then make it even more specific about when and how he should do it.

  37. Need ideas

    I have been working from home for the past 8 months, with very little time off – however this week will be different. I am planning to take rest of the week off after today. I need a change of scenery and to clear my head. 6 days off in a row!!

    During most weeks, I end up still spending my spare time in my home office/craft room – I primarily either do paper crafts (card making) or sewing. When I watch TV/movies, I have been eating like crazy (so I need to do something else). I like to cook & bake, but then I just eat all of it (see above)

    What are some ideas of things I can do that will get me out of this space?
    – I have some organizing projects identified, but that will only take max half day. Everything else in the house has been organized and renovated during the pandemic.
    – I occasionally do some hikes etc but have been finding those are super crowded & leave me pretty tired.
    – Have very few local friends (3 people, who I only see once every 4-6 weeks, even in normal times). No local family except my husband.
    – Almost all shopping is done online, except for groceries/Target etc. (I don’t mind going to store masked)

    Location is Southern California.

    • Anon

      Christmas shopping and decorating? Or do those little cleaning tasks that often get ignored, like your baseboards, windows, window blinds, etc.
      Since it’s presumably still warm in California, what about some gardening if you have the space, or even just putting some seasonal plants in pots?

      But honestly, give yourself some grace and let yourself have some time to sit TV and relax.

    • Anonymous

      Drive out to the beach and hang out, drive to Griffith Observatory, walk in one of the sculpture gardens at your favorite museum, go to a botanical garden or a stately home with a garden?

    • Senior Attorney

      Can you pop in your earbuds and just take a nice walk while listening to some nice music or an audio book or podcast? That’s what ‘m doing this week since the weather is reasonably nice.

    • ANon

      write letters with Vote Forward for the GA elections while you watch tv/movies to keep yourself from eating (that is what i’ve been doing)

    • Moonstone

      Since you are crafty, make a beautiful wreath for your front door? And then tell me how to do the same?

    • La+Di+Dah

      Drive to balboa island, park and walk around both islands (about 2.5 miles total) then take the ferry over to the peninsula. OK maybe that is a bad idea actually.
      I make wreaths – it is very easy and fun. You just need a wire “base” and the flexible wire and then go collect interesting greenery from your yard and local walks.
      I’ve also been doing water colors by watching youtube vidoes – it is very very soothing.

  38. Isha

    The design of the dress you had shared is so beautiful and I really loved it a lot. It is so unique and is perfect for Monday’s Workwear. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful dress design.

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