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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Tippins
I just clicked the link for this blouse and it’s on sale for $81!
Anonymous
Pretty! I have some Rebecca Taylor tweed suiting and some of her silk tank tops and a pair of culottes; they have all been of great quality, nice fabrics and really well made.
Ellen
Cute yes, but it’s a little pricey for a 100% cotton blouse. Now if it were cashemere, then it would be a steal! Elizabeth, I suggest looking at the NORDSTROM’s sale, as they have everything a professional woman could ever hope for! YAY!!
Anon
If you had a week with your SO out of town, what do you fill the time with? I love my SO but I haven’t had a bed to myself or a morning without someone else asking me “So what are your plans?” in a while, so I’m trying to get the most out of this time while they’re away on work. Thinking I’ll probably spend at least one evening watching fluffy rom-coms with a face mask on.
Anonymous
Eat cereal for dinner! Have a girlfriend over for drinks. Do a crazy exercise class. Spend an evening FaceTiming my remote girlfriends. Go to a spa.
Anon
Very single so forgive me for asking this, but … can you not do this when your SO is around? Maybe not all the time or all at once but I would not be long for this world if any of those things mentioned were rare treats.
Anon
Lol I am there with you. I think those answers might apply to people with children who literally never get a break. As part of a DINK I do this stuff all the time without issue.
Anon
Anon 11:16 here- agreed! Totally get if it’s a kids free weekend , and in that case these suggestions sound wonderful. But don’t get it at all for DINKs
Never too many shoes...
I have a kid with special needs and I still do this stuff… I agree with the above that I would go completely insane without time for myself.
Anon
DINK here… Yes, I can do (and actually do) these things when he is around, but I lived alone for a really long time and sometimes I miss doing these things without another person in the house. My husband and I work pretty much the same hours, so it’s nice when he travels to have some days when it’s just the cat and me.
OP
I do most of the same stuff while my SO is around but sometimes it just hits different with no one else around.
nuqotw
You should do…whatever you want! I would sleep diagonally in the bed and craft all the things. I would eat a bunch of curried and/or spicy foods because I love them and my family hates them. I would go to bed early because no one would need me at night.
Anonymous
Schedule a private tennis lesson and a spa appointment so I can linger afterwards and read the rest of the afternoon in a fluffy robe with someone bringing me drinks and snacks. I never get to linger afterwards!
Anon
Wake up at my preferred time (read: much earlier than him), make as much spicy food as I could handle (he doesn’t like it), and stroll at farmer’s markets on a Saturday or Sunday morning. I’d also take the time to get a lot of errands done because there isn’t someone waiting on me to start making dinner together. And no TV in bed!
cat socks
My husband never travels for work, but he had to work an entire Saturday recently and I had the whole day to myself. I slept in, caught up on TV shows and treated myself to breakfast in bed.
Angela
Watch TV shows he won’t watch, like Hallmark Christmas movies and Fuller House.
BeenThatGuy
I’d eat food that my SO doesn’t like; seriously, all the foods. I’d sleep in the middle of the bed, sprawled out like a starfish. I’d watch Love Actually and The Holiday on repeat. And probably dance around in my undies listening to All I Want for Christmas is You.
Azera
YES!!!!
anon
I also eat the foods we both like and I enjoy NOT sharing like a 5-year old would!
Anon
I’d turn the heat up a couple of degrees from the “compromise” setting and make all the food he doesn’t like for my own dinners.
Anon.
Eat all the food you like but he doesn’t. Go out with a friend at night. Watch romcoms or whatever movies you like and he doesn’t.
I would probably also clean out my closet – my husband always questions why I need to purge (answer: because my size and fit of my clothes has changed twice in 3 years due to having a baby), so I try to do it when he’s not around.
Housecounsel
I put raw onions on everything. I throw stuff out. I watch Botched marathons.
Pompom
My DH has a volunteer commitment that has him gone once every 2 weeks for 24+ hours, so I have at least one evening/night to myself every 2 weeks, and usually some time on a weekend day. We are happily and comfortably living a DINK lifestyle, so the only things I do differently those nights are binge watch things he would hate (and thus I wouldn’t “force” him to watch when he’s home; he does the same for me), eat cookies for dinner, have long speakerphone conversations with my mom, and make a pillow husband in the bed so that my dogs sleep there and not on me. Works nicely.
Anon
I appreciate pure silence when my husband travels. He is someone that dislikes silence and tends to have on music, the TV or video games (or both) at all times. When he travels I like to take an hour or two and just sit, marveling at the silence while I eat, pet my dogs, scroll my phone, whatever.
blackberry
At least one evening, if not more, would be embarrassing quantities of Thai takeout and watching Mrs. Maisel or Schitts Creek or some other fun show he tolerates but doesn’t fully appreciate. Another night would involve Christmas movies on repeat.
OP
Thanks for all the responses/recommendations! We’re DINKs, but I just really *love* enjoy occasional times alone. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one here.
Anne
Shopping help please! My brother (mid-30s) wants a button down shirt. He is more Brooklyn-y in style and not at all preppy and I’m having trouble finding something that would work (i.e. definitely not brooks brothers). Any suggestions? Also – I want to request a statement-ish necklace to wear to work. I have fairly minimalist style and would like it to be more classic than trendy (definitely nothing like the old jcrew bubble necklaces). Budget for brother is $150ish or under. Budget for me is $100 or under. TIA!
Anonymous
For the brother: my 30ish guy co-workers are huge wearers of Untuckd (the ones that advertise in plane magazines). They claim you *can* tuck them in, but they are not like my husband’s shirts that you could sail a boat with.
Necklaces: etsy and a 22-24″ chain. I like antique coins or anything Greek-ish, but maybe a currency of where your family hails from (husband is of Irish descent and they have some pretty coins). Pieces of Eight are huge (like Flavor Flave-esque) so I like a 2-bit piece (2 reals) or replica.
shirts
I would not get untuckit for a hipster guy… my hipster husband haaaaates them. (It may not even be the actual shirt, but the idea of the brand). Everlane is a good call, or one of those other many instagram startups with a muted color palate. Cos might have men’s shirts? or try Mango.
anon in brooklyn
Yup, my hipster husband also hates the idea of untuckit.
Anonymous
Ike Behar?
anon in brooklyn
For the button down, Everlane.
JewelryLover
For you: how about a collet-style necklace? Anna Wintour wears them on the regular (although hers, of course, have real stones). They’re blingy but were first in fashion in the early 18th century (so presumably have some staying power). I learned about them in a directrice post (link to follow) and I believe J Crew now makes a version.
JewelryLover
” J Crew” is a typo for Banana Republic. :)
Anne
Ooh – really like this idea.
JewelryLover
Here is the directrice post (which includes an etsy vendor): https://thedirectrice.com/my-jewels/
Formerly Lilly
I clicked on through and bought a necklace. Thank you for the link. I follow the Directrice, but somehow missed that post.
Cat
For the button down, JCrew sells slim and untucked fit shirts – although they’re known for preppy styles, they carry several in solid colors that could be styled more urban-hipster.
Anon
Uniqlo for the shirt, although they’re WAY under $150
Anon2inNYC
Untuckit. Is he looking for a not at all preppy shirt? Or is he looking for a shirt that he can wear when he has to look like the guy in a suit? In which case, Charles Tyrwhitt has different cuts — various gradations of slimness, different collars.
Anon
I love large necklaces of stones — I’m really minimalist and wear one with onyx beads often. I find them when traveling and at thrift/vintage stores, but museum gift shops could be a good source too.
Anonymous
How about untuckit for your brother? I got my brother a shirt from there recently and he loved it.
anon.
For you – look at Porter Lyons. I’m not into “statement necklaces” either and typically wear only very minimalist jewelry, but some of their pendants are really unique.
nutella
Brooklyn-y without the prep? Definitely look at Bonobos (also sold at N0rd str0m now). He wants a nicer shirt that isn’t a dress shirt to wear on weekends, etc. that doesn’t feel like a work shirt.
Anon
+1 for Bonobos – I got my SO a flannel shirt from there recently and he loves it. They have nice fitted options.
Rabumba
Tie Bar has some really interesting options. My husband is irrationally picky and he loves them.
Anon
Literally any variation of plaid that is more than two colors. Think fancy wood worker. You’ll be good. Maybe throw in a coordinating (but NOT matching) beanie.
Anonymous
Try Brooklyn Industries for the shirt. (A little too on the nose, perhaps, but when in Rome…). I have lived in Brooklyn for 15 years so feel like I have some cred, although it’s a big place. If by Brooklyn-y you mean Williamsburg, you should just give up now and give him cash.
Anonymous
For your brother, try Stag Provisions. It is a cool shop in Austin with an online presence.
Anon
Try Best Made Co.! They have stores in LA, NYC and Brooklyn and great, really quality button-ups. There’s a sale now, too! I think the style would be more to your brother’s taste.
Anon
The ironing would be a nightmare. Pass.
Anon
This is what I was thinking. I like natural fabrics but these types of shirts always end up at the bottom of the laundry basket getting rewashed again and again in futile hope that the lint and wrinkles will come out.
Anon
Lint is just short, fine fibers that separate from the surface of cloth or yarn –when you put a shirt through the dryer, the lint that is collected in the catcher is just fibers pulled from the shirt. Each time you use the dryer, you’re thinning the material, drawing out more fibers, and basically destroying your shirt.
Why not just iron it with the steam setting after air-drying?
Anon
Tips for getting your self discipline and work ethic back? I used to be very productive at work, be good about working out , meal prepping etc. And I’ve lost it all!
I’ve often heard that self discipline is much like a muscle- use it or lose it, and I’ve lost it.
My last job was just not very challenging and so I kind of lost my work ethic with life and then it bled out to my personal life.
I now have a new, challenging job with very high expectations and need to get my personal life together again (mostly saving money, losing the 15lbs I’ve gauned, etc)
With you in this
No good ideas but monitoring.
Maybe identify small habits you can rebuild? Like start actual work by 8:30 each work day, reward yourself after one week, repeat?
Anon
I’m by no means great at this. But I like to start with one new habit at a time. Once that is ingrained again (after like 2-3 weeks of consistency), I will add another one. I also find it easier to commit to doing something, instead of promising myself I won’t do something. So, for example, instead of committing to not go to the office snack machine, I will make it a habit to have a piece of fruit or a vegetable when I get in my mid-afternoon slump and then often don’t want the candy.
So much of this depends on your personality and what you are struggling with
anon
Read Gretchen Rubin’s “Better than before.” It can be really motivating to learn what works best for your personality.
After that, focus on rebuilding one habit at a time.
Something that works for me is picking 1-2 small things that I can repeat daily to help me feel like my life is in order. I’m talking really simple stuff: making the bed, having a clean sink, cleaning the detritus out of my handbag. Those simple things usually motivate me to tackle other things that are harder and require more effort.
Anne
I find the pomodoro method helpful for this at work.
anon
I had to do this a few years ago after recovering from a really really difficult year (family deaths and serious health issues, marital problems, depressed husband in toxic work situation, many major things in our house broke one after the other, young child at a difficult age, new job that I was less than thrilled about, etc. — it was a dumpster fire of a year and I was a total disaster at the end of it.)
I did what all of these folks have recommended – gradually added more good habits slowly over time.
I started by making my bed each day. This was the only change I made for a long time.
I did more cleaning as I go – pick things up along the way.
I tried to remember that doing one single small good thing had value. If I pick up one piece of trash or put away one shirt, that’s better than doing nothing. (Picking up one shirt and leaving a heap on the floor is not the ultimate goal, but accepting that progress is progress is part of the process of gaining positive momentum, IMO.)
I started making myself smoothies every morning to get more fruit and veggies into my system.
I thought about the things that caused me the most amount of stress and last minute panic and developed good habits around those tasks. It sounds like meal planning might be one of those things for you. For me, it was things like waiting til the last minute to put gas in my car, so I decided to go to the same gas station on the same day once a week. Could you start by buying a jar of peanut butter and a bag of apples so you could at least have a healthy afternoon snack each day? And eventually work your way up to a healthy breakfast, and then later to a healthy lunch?
I needed gradual changes so I could feel good about myself along the way. I was going to crash and burn if I tried to do a total overhaul all at once. It’s been several years since my dumpster fire year and I’m still making changes and building new habits– I started working out twice a week several months ago. It’s been a process, but I feel like I’m doing great now. I know you’ll be able to get back into it too.
Anon
Nice job wrestling through the the difficult situation(s)!
Anon
You don’t need to lose weight to succeed at work and be organized in life. Maybe challenge some of those assumptions?
Otherwise, what you need is to be busy. Don’t allow yourself tons of blocks of unstructured time – that’s the fastest path to slug status for me. The more I have to do, the more productive I am and then the smaller blocks of relaxation time are so much more rewarding.
anon
I read that about feeling healthier, and the 15lb loss would bring the OP back to that healthy place. I know that whenever I manage to exercise and eat well for just a week, I have more mental energy and focus, while weight loss comes on slower.
Anon
Nope, the OP said absolutely nothing about health. You can be perfectly healthy 15 (or 50) pounds from your dream weight.
Anon
OP here – I’m unhappy with how I look at my current weight and would like to get back to my old weight, so sue me
Anon
Anon at 11:54, you’re not her nor her doctor, so this really isn’t your call to make.
Anon
Can you just not? It’s not unusual that somebody who feels their life is getting a little out of control might also want to lose weight. You don’t need to interrogate her motives, just let her want what she wants.
Anonymous
Maybe change your assumption that she shouldn’t lose weight if she wants to. Just wanting to is reason enough. Not all of us just want to accept being fat.
Anon
Thanks for bringing the snarky body-shaming into the conversation, I was wondering when that would show up. At least I don’t have to wake up every morning and be you all day, sweetheart.
Azera
Plan ahead! Spend a weekend planning meals, what exercise classes you want to go to, what you’ll wear each day, what snacks you’ll need, pack your work and gym bag in advance…being prepared when the time comes rather than thinking ‘shoot, what do i need for that event/activity in ten minutes’ makes me much more likely to follow through and enjoy myself! You’ll get such a feeling of self satisfaction when you are organised in advanced for things that you’ll want to high five your past-self haha.
Anon
On food only: I go through periods where I do meal planning and put it on the family calendar. I just took the 2019 calendar (left Dec) and cut it up into strips for the weeks I’d planned. I now have strips with pre-planned weeks sitting in my drawer. There are 19 of them, which is not too many. I can run through quickly and pick a meal plan that works with the ingredients I have this week.
Because I’m a nerd, I also spent two hours this weekend typing this into a spreadsheet. The three lists are Main course/type of meat, Veg, and Starch. I can use a random number generator to pick or try to pick something that makes sense with current ingredients. I have 43 main courses, 20 veg, 9 starch.
sfchic
You are amazing.
A nice stocking stuffer you would appreciate.
https://www.foodiedice.com/collections/kitchen-inspiration/products/foodie-dice-no-1-seasonal-dinners-pouch
Anon
Tips on how to build a professional network in a new city? I picked up and moved to NYC at the end of spring, completed an internship and decided to say. Have a “real job” now. I’m a recent law school grad but from a mid sized Midwest law school who apparently doesn’t keep an active alumni list/where they live. I’m taking the February bar exam and would like to transition out of my current job as soon as possible after (it was definitely a temp thing as I needed a paid job post internship ASAP.) My career interests span from traditional practice in certain areas of law, to in house, to communications, to government and policy. I’ve reached out to the local bar’s young lawyer chapter and got no response, and other than that..no ideas. I work for a small fin tech company and for various reasons, pursuing a network through here isn’t an option. Also, the contact from my internship I had previously would give me a nice reference, but wouldn’t necessarily invite me to events, if that makes sense.
Anon
The biggest thing to understand about building a network in a new city is that you can strike out a lot in the process. Expect that about one in three groups you try will respond and be a good fit for you.
Consider joining legal groups (ACS, Federalist, ABA Young Lawyers Division, ABA Business Law section, etc.). Look for areas of law you find interesting and see if there are groups associated with it. Consider branching out from law for a professional network: if you want to be in fintech, can you find groups for younger people in finance?
Does your undergrad network have a chapter in NYC? Would your law school, either through the law school itself or in conjunction with the larger university, be interested in starting a chapter in NYC?
Anon
OP here – thanks for those tips about ACS and ABA groups. I of course knew they existed but I forgot that in a major city, organizations like that might have actual things to go rather than just the ACS once-a-month school chapter meetings I was used to. I did try my undergrad university too, wasn’t successful with a response back from the school’s chapter contact. The only one they had on file was a work email for this person, so who knows. Looking into other fields is great idea. a quick Google search for “*career field here* young professionals group nyc” might give me some results?
Anon
Yes, you can do that. But you don’t have to stick to just young professionals groups (unless you want to); you can look at groups across the age spectrum.
There’s a nationwide FinTech Professionals Association, an NYC FinTech Week 2020 and Conference 2020, Wall Street Technology Association, and the ABA has business law, technology law, and young lawyers sections.
Anne
Subject matter bar committees are really active in NYC. Could you join one for the subject matter you practice in?
Anon
Op here – thanks! I’ll look for some events/see who the committee point of contact is and reach out. There are a few I’d like to submerge myself in.
anon
I agree with joining groups, and I encourage you to narrow your interests a little for networking purposes. I think it’s relatively doable to, say, join groups for the bankruptcy bar and then have people reach out to you for happy hours/ to build a community of networks within the bankruptcy bar. But if you are trying to join groups, happy hours, etc. for corporate counsel, public policy, AND the bankruptcy bar, the efforts may be a bit disjointed.
For what it’s worth, I am also more likely to go out of my way to help a recent grad who seems genuinely interested in my type of practice. If I am, say, an antitrust attorney and someone tells me they think antitrust is interesting but also real estate and maybe healthcare litigation, then I am not likely to reach out about opportunities in antitrust. But, if someone tells me they are interested in antitrust but also would be happy to work on similar government investigations more broadly (for example, in consumer protection, which is antitrust adjacent), I think they are knowledgeable about my practice area.
Some of this is just the way you communicate with lawyers when you meet them (you may have different conversations with an antitrust than bankruptcy lawyer), but I also think it’s useful to target your networking from the jump.
I know it’s hard to narrow your interests when you haven’t tried all these areas. And it’s good you are curious! But, I think it can be hard to gain traction when you’re networking with too broad of interests.
Anon
I’m a frequent speaker and career coach for students, and I can’t tell you how important it is to narrow your focus. I know you’re thinking that you want to keep your options open and will kind of take anything decent that lands in your lap (been there!), but when you’re on the other side of the desk, it’s way easier for me to think of bankruptcy and financial sector people than to think of whoever random might be hiring. And it helps me remember you as “that person who’s looking for bankruptcy” vs “that sorta undefined person who doesn’t know what she wants.”
Also try LinkedIn – messaging people from your alma maters who happen to be in your city.
Clementine
Looking for a new phone case for an iPhone XR. Hoping for something with card slots – perhaps a folio style one. Thoughts? Recommendations?
Anon
I love love love my Pela compostable case. No card slots, though.
Anon
Ok, time for another gift cards for assistants question:
I don’t have an assistant, but I work with three of them in different capacities. One assistant is kind enough to complete my expense reports for me (about one per month), one paralegal handles quarterly regulatory disclosures I oversee, and I work with our marketing assistant weekly on firm newsletters.
Last year when the regulatory disclosures were a hot mess and the paralegal and I were both struggling, I gave him $150 for the sheer pain of the whole process (and he was filing my expense reports at the time). We have a system now and the disclosures take a fraction of the time they used to.
Would $50 GCs be appropriate for all? $75? More for one than another? I’m worried about stepping down for the paralegal, but that year really was exceptional.
Anon
$50 for each is fine. I kind of feel like if you’re going into too much granularity on who gets what, you risk creating ill will if they happen to talk to each other.
anon
DH has twin siblings, and as we start TTC, I’m wondering if that runs in the family. Can I ask MIL if that was completety genetic or also medically influenced?
Anonymous
Not unless you want your MIL to feel entitled to ask you personal invasive questions about your reproductive plans.
Anon
+1
Anon
This.
Veronica Mars
No, I wouldn’t bother asking. From my research, it’s the mother’s genes that are the biggest indicator for twins (remember, it would be the mother releasing 2 eggs or 1 egg splitting).
Anonymous
I would ask her if twins run in the family and see what she says. Also, I think it makes a difference if they are fraternal or identical, right?
Anonymous
I would never ask. Identicals are natural occurrences (but I have a cousin who did IVF and an egg split, so identical twins). But your husband will contribute more than enough swimmers — the Q of how many eggs you have released that month has nothing to do with his mother’s genes or possible fertility treatments.
In my husband’s family, two generations of women had fraternal girl twins, so they may tend to kick out extra eggs more often than is usual. That is a concern possibly for my daughters but not at all relevant to me.
anon
While fraternal twins are more what you think about with fertility treatments (either releasing more eggs b/c of meds if not IVF or transferring multiple embryos if IVF), I think there are some IVF procedures that increase the chance of identical twins. Specifically thinking of assisted hatching, but there may be other things. Although who knows if that was a thing when these particular twins were born. Regardless DON’T ASK.
Angela
I mean, I feel like if you don’t already know, i.e. it’s not common family knowledge, it’s not really appropriate to ask. What difference does it practically make? Are you going to change your plans based on the information? If not, then truly the only reason you’re asking is to satisfy your own curiosity, which isn’t a good reason to ask someone a potentially sensitive/invasive question.
It would be better to see what your husband knows and ask him to talk to his mom about it, if you even want to pursue this further.
anon
this.
Anonymous
Your DH being a twin doesn’t affect your chances of having twins.
Fraternal twins is inherited only through the mom’s side. I found this out after I was super shocked to have twins because I thought it didn’t run in my immediate family and I looked up about it. My maternal grandmother was not surprised at all and said her sister’s daughter’s both had twins. Apparently my great-grandmother also had twins but lost one at birth. Age is another reason there are a lot more twins now. Your chances of having twins without medical intervention make it basically twice as likely to have twins at 35 vs at 25. Identical twins is just random chance.
“Heredity doubles your chances of conceiving twins — but only on the mom’s side. Even if your partner’s family tree is loaded with dynamic duos, that won’t increase your own odds of conceiving twins.” https://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/chances-of-having-twins
Anon2
Not useful at all to ask her since the genetic component around twins running in families is whether you ovulate more than one egg. MIL’s genetics may affect any daughters you have, but won’t affect your DH, since he doesn’t ovulate. Also, twins are linked to maternal age since you’re more likely to release multiple eggs the older you are.
FFS
I always tell people I got fat and old, since those are two of the risk factors for hyperovulation.
Anonymous
If you have to ask us, then the answer is no. Ask DH to talk to her. It’s fine to ask your own parents very personal details about their health and reproductive lives because it directly impacts you. But unless you and MIL truly have a mother/daughter relationship, I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask another woman how she conceived her children.
This is also something you might raise with your OBGYN. I always thought twins pass through the mother’s side but I could be wrong.
anon
What do you want to do with this information? It’s not really going to change your plans to conceive.
Anonymous
It could. You don’t know what her work or family situation is. I have twins. I would have postpone TTC for a year if I’d know that I was likely to have twins (maternal age/family history/height were my factors that made twins likely). Handling two babies in addition to a toddler and going from 1 to 3 kids is a whole other ballgame from just one baby. I would have wait a year TTC so oldest kid was older and more self-sufficient if I knew how likely I was to have twins with zero fertility treatments.
Anonymous
But this family history doesn’t matter at all. Like this is not how twins work at all genetically. If she’s altering plans on this that’s just silly.
Anonymous
I know. I actually responded above with the link as well. But here I was responding to Anon 10:01’s idea that someone would not change their TTC plans even if they knew they were more likely to have twins. Having had twins, and knowing a lot of twin moms, many women would change their TTC plans in terms of timing if they knew they had a higher than average chance of twins.
Anonymous
BUT a woman having twins has nothing to do with whether they run on the man’s side!
Having twins is based on: kicking out multiple eggs/cycle (woman’s genes) OR a random occurrence (identicals).
Anon
Haha. I tried to game this out. There are tons of spontaneous fraternal twins in my family, so we went for #2 sooner rather than later to reduce age-related risk of twins.
I ended up with identical twins.
Anon
But your odds were still likely under 5%. There are factors that make it more likely, but it is still unlikely in the overall picture.
Anonymous
They actually weren’t. Many people don’t realize how common twins are now that women are having babies later.
Angela
This is to anon at 11:41 — isn’t most of the correlation between having babies later in life and prevalence of twins the fact that twins are more common with fertility treatments? I.e., if OP isn’t using fertility treatments, her odds of twin conception aren’t really increased?
Anonymous
@Anon 12:01
No. It’s not just IVF. The average age of mothers is increasing and as you get older you release more eggs and are more likely to have twins even without any medical intervention. So you are twice as likely to have twins at 35 as compared to 25, once you exclude women who have had medical interventions. There are other factors like height (over 5’7″ tall), being on prenatal vitamins and TTC vs pregnant by chance (more likely that both eggs get fertilized), maternal family history, second or later pregnancy etc).
Anon
To 12:01 – no. Women release more eggs as they reach advanced maternal age. Even without fertility treatment you are more likely to release 2 eggs instead of one in a given month once you are over age 35.
Anon
Anon at 11:41 – the odds increase with age, but not that much if you are not using fertility treatment. I’ve never seen anything suggesting that someone not using fertility drugs have could ever have a chance of having twins that is higher than 5%, regardless of how many other factors they have that increase the odds. If you have a difference source, please let me know.
Anon
It doesn’t matter to you if twins run in your husband’s family – only on your side. (note: this could matter if you have a daughter – she could be more likely to have twins – but that’s a problem for another decade)
Also, only fraternal twins are genetically passed on (the idea is that you could have inherited ovaries that over-ovulate). Identicals are just random (although may be more likley with fertility treatments)
Twinning
You can’t ask the question the way you’ve phrased it. I think it’s ok to ask if twins run in the family, casually. But careful with any followup questions (probably don’t ask any followup questions and definitely don’t ask if she used IVF). As others have pointed out, the answer doesn’t really matter, because the father’s history of twins is irrelevant to the mother conceiving twins. I am a fraternal twin. My likelihood of conceiving twins is 1 in 17. For identical twins (female ones), the likelihood is 1 in 85. For male twins, being a twin does not affect their likelihood of having twins.
Anonymous
IVF is newish. Multiples were often due to clomid or other drugs than IVF for dudes old enough to be having babies now.
Anonymous
IVF is 40 years old.
Anon
I’m in my mid-20s, have lots of friends who are having babies, and had friends growing up who were IVF babies.
Jordan
This is not a strange question at all! IMO, the pushback is strange. As long as it is presented in a noninvasive way, you’re fine. I am a fraternal twin and my maternal grandmother was a fraternal twin. My mother has no problem discussing having twins and the history of twins in our family. Also, you’re not a stranger—you’re the daughter-in-law. Though, as others have said, genetic twins are passed through the mother, so this is likely a non-issue, but the topic shouldn’t be off limits. I’m sure your mother-in-law would enjoy bonding over a conversation on motherhood and raising twins.
Anon
Am I missing something? Why wouldn’t you just ask your husband? Presumably he would know if twins run in his family.
Seventh Sister
I didn’t (husband is an identical twin) because my MIL is a chronic oversharer and told me alllllll about allllll of the gory details. Twins do run in my family, so I was a little worried (at least the second time around), but it didn’t happen.
Gr... in mod
No, don’t ask. Twins are mostly based on the genetic makeup of the mother, not the father. Remember, for fraternal, that’s the mother releasing 2 eggs, and for identical, the egg splitting. It’s a weird and invasive question that will get you little helpful benefit.
Anon
How do you plan for the new year? I’m trying something new and setting aside a day between Christmas and New Year’s Day to plan and set some goals and priorities and I’m looking for ideas/systems/inspiration that worked for you bada$$ ladies.
Anonymous
I don’t. It’s a ton of pressure for no reason. I am not a business. I do not need a strategic plan or target dates to achieve.
Mrs. Jones
+1
Anon
+1. I’m all for setting fun goals, like travel a lot this year or whatever, but strategic plans and target dates and Gantt charts are for the office, not for real life. Why not take some time to reflect on what you want without making it a huge stressful production? YMMV but that’s what I would do.
anon
And all it takes is some crappy personal or work situation to derail the whole thing. I used to be a much more strategic planner in my personal life and see the value in it. But I also learned that I need to cut myself a massive break and some months are just more conducive for personal growth than others. Personally, I find that looking at a year at a time is too overwhelming. Better to break it up into quarters or small slices that actually make sense for the rhythms of my actual life.
Best of Both Worlds has some good podcasts/blog posts on this topic.
Em
I set one “goal” per month and try to have a mix of work accomplishments, home improvement, social life, personal advancement, etc. I use it as a check to make sure I am consistently growing and challenging myself in all facets of my life. Past goals have been taking a baking class at the local culinary college, reading one book per month, mastering a new area at work, finishing our master bathroom, learning how to change a tire, planning a girls night every month with friends, going paintballing, taking an international family trip, and maxing out our retirement accounts.
Ribena
I’ve got a list of targets for 2020 and they’re mixture of things with set dates associated with them (half marathon in March), things I want to do across the year (run a 10 miler every month), things that will take extended effort to achieve (hit a certain weight, finish my novel first draft), and things associated with behaviours (knit more yarn than I buy, more books out than in) I want to maintain.
Anon
Read more books than I buy is one of my goals!
Other goals for this year: I want to go hiking more! But I’m pretty out of shape so an intermediate goal is to run regularly, and try to do a 10k before the end of the year (that’s a stretch for me!).
PolyD
Read more books than I buy is one of my goals!
Ha!! I love this.
Anon
I plan my work travel (I serve on lots of committees so they start vetting dates at the last meeting of the year) and then look at when I have opportunities to travel to nearby locations based on meeting dates. This is actually a top priority in my planning because I haven’t traveled enough in my life.
Anonymous
I do this every year. I found that use of a particular type of paper planner (mine is the Start Planner hustle weekly) that focuses on these things has been super helpful. I do a vision board for the year, come up with goals for each area of life (they can be really small like – I swear this is real – do my makeup before I leave the house instead of in the car). I map out important dates, get my January organized, all of that. It’s really not a huge process just an afternoon or so. A lot of people like doing “end of year reviews” on themselves. You can google that and there are plenty in the blogosphere that partake. The main thing for me is to be gentle with myself and make sure these align with my value set as opposed to external pressures. Have fun with it!!
NOLA
My goal is to prioritize my personal life more and to be more flexible about my routine so that I don’t feel like I’m constantly on call for work. If I’m out and busy or if I have plans, I’m not available for random emails, etc. I feel like dating really helps that because there are times when I need to prioritize plans that I have. When I was completely alone, I felt like I was the one that everyone called. I’m also planning on taking a short research leave this summer to gather data and write an article that I’ve been putting off for a while. AND, I want to plan a vacation this year. Last year, I got to the end of the spring semester and heaved a huge sigh of relief and realized that, in the craziness, I had made no plans for the summer. It ended up fine, but it’s not how I want to live.
Anonymous
The Passion Planner starts with a big picture strategic planning exercise that you break down more granularly. I’ve used it for several years and love it.
anon
I have 10 days off around the holidays, which is AMAZING, but I feel like I need to build in a few planned activities. Otherwise I know I’ll end up squandering the opportunity by doing chores around the house and/or nothing fun or restorative, and then feeling bad about it. The catch is that my kids will be home with me, so I need to find a good mix of activities for them, plus stuff I can do by myself to recharge. If I loaf around the house all day, I’m going to feel tired and bored. Weather will be cold, and snowfall is unpredictable at this point. If it snows, we’ll definitely go sledding. We have access to a YMCA and some hiking trails nearby. Could do a staycation type thing, but there are fewer places to go/things to do this time of year. (The children’s museum is my idea of he!!, for example.)
What would you do to fill the days with both rest and recreation?
Delta Dawn
How old are your kids? That will help us plan for you. Is there a book you would like to read? (If they are old enough to let you sit and read for half an hour.) Is there a home project more significant than regular chores that you’d like to accomplish? Clean out and organize a couple of closets, for example. Any photos you need to organize? Every January, I make an annual album on shutterfly of the previous year’s family photos– it takes quite some time, and if I had 10 days around the holidays, that’s what I would do!
anon
They’re 5 and 10. The 5-year-old is especially needy right now, though.
Good call on the family photo book. I like doing them, but they are time-consuming.
I thought about painting my kitchen but bleh … it sounds pretty dreadful, honestly.
Anonymous
Movies, library, hotel pool, ymca pool, craft, cookie baking.
Anonymous
I do half day activities. Alternate between lazy mornings and lazy afternoons. Christmas ‘go tos’ are hosting a playdate for mom friends and their kids, visit to local pool, skating (indoor or outdoor depending on weather), mom and kid yoga, visit local science centre, hike, sledding, cross country ski, and train museum. We have a huge roll of paper in case it’s too stormy to go out. I’ll trace the kids bodies and they love drawing their faces and clothes. Easy pinterest handprint art is another popular and easy one. I try to take them outside at least once a day.
Do a half day activity and let them play or veg with tv for a couple hours in the other half of the day. That gives you time to read a book, a long bath (or take a nap depending on their ages).
FFS
Shout-out to whoever recommended the memory foam Amazon slippers last week. I adore them and my feet are so warm!
anon
I missed this but sounds like a good gift for my mom. Do you have a link? thanks!
FFS
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B07WCZD14J?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title
Anonymous
How do Nest thermostats work? I just moved into a rented house yesterday. The owner/landlord told me it has baseboard heat and central air with Nest thermostats. The house was cold when I moved in. The Nest said 56 in house, so I increased it to 65. It said “heating 2+”, and as far as I can tell, the baseboards never came on. Today, the Nest says house 57 and still says heating, but again, baseboards are cold. I called the landlord who said he’ll be by today. I tried playing around with the settings and found a programmable function setting it to 62-which is still warmer than now. I’m in the Northeast, its snowing, and below freezing. Am I missing something? Any troubleshooting ideas until he comes?
lsw
Our Nest came with our house and I hate it. Here are two frequent problems we have and solutions:
-Heat not turning on. Apparently a common problem when it becomes “too cold out” according to Nest customer support. No reasoning why it happens on days that aren’t all that cold! Anyway, we have to pull out the wire for the a/c during the winter, or the heat won’t turn on sometimes.
-Furnace turning off. We have to reset the breaker a lot – most often when it’s going from to 60s to 70 (so, I’m guessing it has to do with when it’s on for a long time).
Don’t know if either will help!
Anon
It seems like your baseboard heater is not working, not necessarily a problem with the thermostat. I have forced air heat and have never had a problem with the nest, in fact I love it, but my furnace is brand new due to the old one dying suddenly.
anon
Not sure about the Nest specifically, but I’d want to disable app control for the landlord. I wouldn’t want someone not living with me to know what temperature the house is and whether I’m home (assuming it has motion sensors like some competitors).
rosie
Agree. There are other privacy concerns with the Nest, but the fact that someone else owns it & presumably has access somehow would be an issue I’d want to resolve ASAP.
Anonymous
That’s a good point. I’m not familiar with the Nest. Does it have video capabilities?
Anonymous
Update: Nest is overnighting a new thermostat. My LL spend 2 hours on the phone troubleshooting with them. Let’s hope that works.
Barbour Coat
Just got one of the wax cotton jackets and I love it! I just realized I lost the little “Barbour” pin that came in the pocket. I was not planning on using it on the collar or probably at all. Before I get super sad about losing the pin, is there a reason (other than for collector item/cute things that come with clothes) to keep the pin? I bought the jacket with the hope that it will last me basically forever–I love being outdoors and it was exactly what I needed, so I’m not reselling and if I give it away, I don’t think a future recipient will care about the pin.
P.S. Before you comment on “anxiety” related to losing the pin, I am in therapy and working on my anxiety. :) I find it helpful to ask questions to rationalize why certain things are not a big deal. As someone who never loses anything, losing something (especially new) is hard for me. I also grew up low income, I don’t have any context for this question, and the $$ of the jacket made me sadder about losing the pin.
T
I have like 5 Barbour jackets and never knew they came with pins. This is anxiety talking. You’re not someone who never loses anything, you lost the pin. Losing things happens. Unless you can think of a very specific reason now why you need the pin, losing the pin is not a big deal. Are you asking yourself the questions about why certain things are not a big deal?
Anon
It’s a pin. Chill.
Anon
Is this really necessary?
get another on poshmark/ebay
yes it is. OP is literally asking for a gut-check as to whether her anxiety has taken over her brain regarding a pin. it has. anon confirmed that homegirl needs to chill.
Anonymous
No, it’s not. OP wanted to know if there was a reason to keep the pin.
OP, no, no reason. It’s just an add on, like the apple stickers that come with the computer.
Houda
I probably chucked the pin away in a box never to be found. Roughly a third of the people in the street here have Barbour and I don’t ever notice pins. Also, at least in the UK, your Barbour is meant to look battered so no one will bat an eye at a missing pin or a small tear etc.
no
Favorite, nicer, iwatch band? Need something nicer to switch out for the exercise band I usually use. Last time I bought a metal one, the color rubbed off almost immediately ($15, so clearly I should spend more this time).
Anon
Look at Casetify.
Anonymous
I’m attending a wedding with a party the next day where the attire is “pool party chic” – what does that mean? What do I wear, and what does my husband wear? He is the type to usually wear swim trunks and an old frat tshirt to the beach or pool and I think that probably does not count as chic :)
Anon
Honestly you should ask the host. “Pool Party Chic” could mean “Garden Party with brighter colors” or “Bathing suits with tasteful coverups and grand hats”. The host WILL get an awkward mixture of both and it’s their own fault.
lawsuited
I think your husband could probably wear swim trunks and a short-sleeved button-up shirt, and you could wear a bathing suit and a sundress. The after-wedding party is casual, but I don’t think I’d wear an “old frat t-shirt” to any party that wasn’t on-campus and serving drinks in red solo cups.
Flats Only
This suit. Matching sundress for you.
https://www.opposuits.com/suits/summer-suits/summer-shineapple.html
Anon
Ha! I was going to say, suit to a pool party? But that is pretty great.
NOLA
Hey everybody, thanks so much for your helpful comments about my situation at church. I’m going to try and call the minister today to get more clarity. Because I’ll be out of town this weekend and Christmas eve singing means that I’m basically working and not downstairs visiting with people in the congregation, it won’t be an issue until the 29th, but I’d like to know what I’m dealing with and what the minister feels like he could do, especially given that a) I can’t stop going to church, being an employee, and b) I have no choice of service to attend. I’m really hoping that the minister can nip this in the bud, since he knows this guy and I don’t.
anon
What is a very normal, work-appropriate watch these days? Ideally under $100, but willing to go up to $200. I haven’t worn a watch in YEARS, but am lately in more meetings where it’s rude to use my phone to check the time. I’m not looking for the best-of-best, or to make a statement, just something that’s professional and basically unnoticeable. TIA!
January
If you don’t want a smart watch, look at Skagen for reasonably-priced, minimalist watches.
lydia
and, actually, Skagen has nice hybrid smartwatches too! I love my skagen regular dumb watch the most, though. especially appreciate how thin the face is (less bothersome on the wrist)
BabyAssociate
Skagen. Good quality, very clean designs and in the $150 range.
Anon
I’ve had a Movado ESQ for 8 years that I love. On advice here, I bought it at a Movado outlet.
anon
I still really like my Fossil watch.
Senior Attorney
I love my Citizen Eco Drive because I never have to change the battery.
Anon
+1 more for Skagen. Costco has a great deal on both a men’s and women’s watch right now.
Anon.
Fossil and Skagen.
Anonymous
I would like to find an app that lets me track my meals at a high-level by servings of fruits, vegetables, meats, starches, fats, sweets. I am trying to improve my diet. Does anyone know of an app that could do this? I already use loseit for calories and I’m quite happy with that otherwise. I tried tweaking that one by food type instead of my meal but the labeling doesn’t transfer between my phone and my desktop.
kk
coach viva!
Kale
My 12 year old daughter would like new rain boots for x mas. I don’t wear rain boots so I have no idea what to get and what are good brands. Do any of you have any recos? They seem to come in kid prints and dark black. Thanks!
Anonymous
Hunter
Anon
I don’t know what your budget is, but Hunters are still popular around here.
Anonymous
Hunter and Aigle both have great colors for kids.
Anonymous
bean boots?
Ribena
I have some Wellibobs from Joules and they’re great. Some of the prints are quite floral but I got a pair in dark blue with golden stars and moons and I love them.
Housecounsel
Another vote for Hunter. I just replaced a pair I had for ten years.
blueberries
Bogs
anon
+1 Bogs
Anon
Hunter because they’re cute and trendy which is important when you’re 12.
Anon
Bogs if you’re in a cold climate, Hunter or similar if you’re in the south (Bogs would be way too insulated). I saw some Hunter boots on the Costco website recently. You could also look at Sperry or Bean boots, which have different styles and colors.
Anonymous
My 12-year-old lives in her Bean boots.
Anon
Curious everyone’s thoughts on Love Actually. A friend hosted a viewing party recently because it’s her favorite movie of all time. I HATED it.
If you love it, please, tell me why! Am I missing something!?
January
I think you have to watch it more than once. I didn’t like it that much the first time I saw it. That said, it came out when I was in college, and I don’t know if I would like it as much if it didn’t have that nostalgia attached to it.
Ribena
Agree, it’s definitely nostalgia. Kind of like the sketch “Dinner For One” where it gets funnier the better you know it and the more you expect each joke.
Also, Hugh Grant dancing through Number 10!
Anon
That movie is terrible and if you disagree you are wrong. The real clincher for me was learning that the movie cut out a sensitive love story between two lesbians (one of whom was terminally ill, I believe?) in favor of the asinine, misogynistic Colin-travels-to-America-to-get-laid storyline.
emeralds
Ugh, forgot to specifically call out my hate of the Colin sub-plot. Didn’t know that something lovely & wholesome got cut to accommodate it.
Anon
There are problems with Love Actually but Colin is definitely the butt of the joke, not a hero you’re supposed to root for. That storyline doesn’t really bother me.
Anon
And that’s why he ends up sharing a bed with porn star look-alikes after all his travel struggles? It’s definitely a hero story arc and a pathetic one to boot.
Anon
It’s also making fun of the (somewhat true) stereotype that British accents make American women swoon. He may get a happy ending but it’s very much included for humor not because you’re genuinely supposed to care about him.
Anon
Hilarious, right? Excerpted from a Refinery29 hot take: “Despite trying to chat up every single woman he comes into contact with, walking erection Colin can’t find a girl in England (stuck-up bores the lot of them!) so he jets off to America where women are stupid and will drop their knickers for anyone with an accent. Even a Basildon one. Within 10 seconds of walking into a bar he is propositioned by three incredibly sexy women, who invite them back to sleep in their tiny home in the bed they share together (Oi oi! They’re not actually lesbians tho mate, don’t worry!!) with another sexy female flatmate. Colin’s dick must be made of magic and they all love him but realistically he can only take one back to England for himself. BUT nice guy that he is, he brings one back for his friend too and hands her over at the airport like a Toblerone he bought at duty free. Lesson: sexy women have no brains or feelings so are ideal for passing around like chocolates. If we could catch up with Colin now he would have been dumped and started an incel.”
emeralds
Ugh. In the year of our lord 2019, I have complicated feelings about Love Actually.
All my friends and I loved it in high school, so it’s got a nostalgia factor at this point. There are enough things that I still love about it that I do, in fact, host a yearly eggnog-and-Love-Actually night: everything about Emma Thompson! the stupid First Lobster! Colin Firth flinging himself into the lake! the representation of a love interest for Hugh Grant that actually looks like the very pretty women that I encounter in my daily life!
But the last few years…yeesh. Don’t love the boundary-smashing from the dude with the boombox, which is still presented as this Grand Romantic Gesture but is, in fact, really horrible. Don’t love the treatment of Alan Rickman’s side chick.
anon
+1 to all of this.
Lots of nostalgia, but as time passes and I grow wiser the undercurrents of s3xism are more and more unpalatable.
Anon
If you host a yearly Love Actually viewing party, your feelings don’t sound that complicated.
emeralds
I mean, we cheer at the parts we love and boo-hiss the parts we hate, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Don’t know what to tell ya. It must be nice to only enjoy media that has no complicating factors around gender, race, class, sexual orientation, or ability status, but I guess I’m just not there yet!
Anon
No, I love good media with complicating factors and subjects. Love Actually just isn’t good.
anon
yup, this.
Anonymous
I love it. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy. This year I’m watching it with new eyes as I’ve lost my mother and am liking the way it handles grief.
anon
There are problems with it, for sure, but I still love it and watch it every holiday season. I enjoy how each character’s story arcs to another one, often in an unexpected way. There are some really funny one-liners that DH & I use all the time. For every rat-bastard character, there’s another with good intentions. The plot is messy, complicated, heartwarming and heartbreaking all at the same time. But, I completely understand why some people realllly don’t like it.
Anonymous
“The plot is messy, complicated, heartwarming and heartbreaking all at the same time.”
It’s like a nice antidote to all the cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies.
Anonymous
I always thought the point was that the plot was messy, complicated, heart warming and heartbreaking, because that’s how life is. I didn’t think you were actually supposed to like Colin or think boombox guy had a good plan.
Anonymous
I believe the creators have specifically said that they didn’t think boombox guy was likeable/rootable, and that they were surprised when the audience sympathized with him to the extent that it did.
Is it Friday yet?
Well then they shouldn’t have had Kiera run after him and kiss him then. Seriously. Also she’s like 18 to his 30-something.
Anon
Keira is playing older, which is not uncommon for teenage actresses and very much not unique to this movie. The character was definitely not 18.
Never too many shoes...
Also, the kiss was a gesture of kindness and, to me, showed that she was really a lovely person and recognized what a difficult place he was in with her and his best friend.
Anon
So if she hadn’t kissed him she wouldn’t be a lovely person? She didn’t owe him sh*t.
Anon
You realize the logic of that is all wrong, right? You can say she did a nice thing, but not doing that thing doesn’t mean she did anything wrong or isn’t a nice person. She does not owe him anything and the movie never implies that she does. Most romantic comedies end with a man and woman kissing – do you think all of those women “owe” the man a kiss?
Is it Friday yet?
Uh, the kiss rewarded his completely inappropriate and creepy behavior, and made him more sympathetic to the audience because it indicated she was ok with it. How unbearably awkward would that have been for her in real life? All the kindness that was warranted was a polite, “I’m married to your best friend, and you need to leave before you say something you regret.”
AnonInfinity
I totally agree. It’s the only holiday movie I watch every single year. My divorce was preceded by a situation similar to Emma Thomson’s character’s, and her crying in the bedroom to collect herself before going to the kids’ play is SO REAL it makes me cry every single time. I fully recognize that some of the story lines are problematic, but it provides a lot of nostalgia, and I enjoy it every time.
Never too many shoes...
She deserved an Oscar for that scene. Truly.
Anon
For sure. I love her and that scene is some of her best work.
Anon
You’re not alone. I think it’s super boring and overdone.
Anonymous
I strongly dislike the movie.
Anonymous
I hate it. Full of stereotypes. Hugh Grant’s love interest keeps getting fat shamed. The random I’ll fall in “love” with a Portuguese woman in France, who apparently lives in a village of Portuguese speakers in France, when they can’t even communicate let alone the power dynamic of employee/employer. The stalker bff who videos the bride and confesses his love for her. If my husband’s bff showed up at our door with signs about his love for me, I’d be frightened.
Anon
Then pair that with little boy being so obsessed with his classmate that he’s never spoken to that he wants to play drums for her and chase her through the airport…hard nope.
Anonymous
‘who apparently lives in a village of Portuguese speakers in France”
This is a thing. Portugal was a relatively poor country in Europe for a long time and many people emigrated to other parts of the European Union to find employment and they brought their families with them. My DH is European and his neighbors growing up were Portuguese. Like 20% of the nurses and nursing assistants at the old age home in his town are Portuguese.
Ellen
I totally loved that piece of the movie. Here he was, trying to impress a homely woman, and she finally relents after her rrelatives all tell her she would be an idiot if she doesn’t go for him. I truly loved that piece of the movie, as she was innocent, but still afraid to have a relationship (let alone s-x) with an Englishman, who became obsessed about her, even tho her upbringing was so much different then his; it goes to show that they probably lived happily ever after, with the most phenominal s-x possible for 2 people to have when one was a Brit. I know that when I was interested in a Brit, it was b/c of his accent, which I fantacized over.
UHU
I think it’s a good, solid movie. Saw it about 5-10 years ago on a DVD. Though, not sure how it would have worked if the majority of the actors were no-name instead of A-list? I liked it because (a) I like how the relationships link to each other–people know each other, lives over lap and what not; and (b) the stories seem real, raw, gritty, so here I’m a bit of a voyeur and can learn something about other people’s stories from the inside out.
Anonymous
I love it because Bill Nighy sashaying around as a washed up rock star makes me smile. And because Liam Neeson talking about love with his young (step)son gives me warm fuzzies.
There are absolutely valid things to object to if you want to analyze it. I wouldn’t argue with someone who dislikes those things. But I don’t need all of my nostalgic entertainment to pass a modern purity test. Refuse to patronize Hallmark in the here and now? Of course I’ll do that. But I won’t throw out all the babies with all the bathwater from all the previous years.
pugsnbourbon
I was caught entirely off guard when I re-watched the movie after Natasha Richardson’s death. Did not expect that wallop.
Anon
I loved it the time I first saw it (I was in college) but I don’t think it’s aged well. Much like Friends.
780
+1
Never too many shoes...
I love Lindy West generally but her takedown of this movie makes me crazy – not every character is likeable or morally good and not everyone gets a happy ending. The movie is full of messy, complicated, conflicted characters because that is what real life looks like. Everyone knows an annoying guy who seeks sex because he is insecure and wants to be loved), someone with an inappropriate crush that they wish they could just get over, people dealing with grief and loss and pain that they do not always handle perfectly. In short, real life. As Hugh Grant says in the intro – it is not always dignified or beautiful (or in modern parlance, Insta worthy) but it is real. The love between Bill Nighy and his manager was real. Emma Thomson’s pain was real. Laura Linney’s giving of herself to her disabled brother at great personal cost was real. Liam Neeson trying to manage his own grief and raise his stepson was real.
I love Love, Actually. Come at me, bro.
Anon
See, I’m one of the Love Actually haters, but I would like the movie if it had been what you just described – real complicated life. Instead it’s this corny, creepy film that makes nearly every relationship highly “problematic” (to use modern parlance again) for no real reason. Why couldn’t the men have tried to talk to the women they like instead of essentially stalking them? Why did Colin have to exist at all? It’s the gratuitous misogyny that I hate, not the attempt to make a film that’s real/complicated.
KPAnon
Fab post!
Anon
I love the Lindy West takedown so much.
“Liam Neeson and Jojen Reed relax and watch Titanic to regroup, because that’s something middle aged men and little kids do together. Jojen is still totally stumped about the best way to force Joanna to love him against her will. I mean, he’s tried everything. He tried staring at her, he tried never ever talking to her, he tried complaining to his dad, he tried watching Titanic…seriously, what is it going to TAKE, Joanna!?
Then, lightbulb! “There’s this big concert at the end of term, and Joanna’s in it, and I thought that if I was in the band and played absolutely superbly, there’s a chance that she might fall in love with me.”
OH MY GOD, OR YOU COULD JUST GO TALK TO HER.
TALK TO HER.
TALK TO HER.”
Anonymous
Have you met any little kids? Being terrified of talking to someone you like is super common for boys and girls. Wanting to do something cool so that they notice you and talk to you is pretty regular stuff.
I really didn’t like LW’s take that men and boys would never watch titanic. So disappointed that she was putting out those kinds of ideas. We can’t complain about toxic masculinity and then perpetuate the idea that men and boys can’t like romantic movies. If it was a mother and daughter, no one would question it. My 8 year old would never admit to his friends that he loves Frozen exactly because it’s not ‘cool’ to like ‘girly’ movies.
Anon
Yeah, exactly. A boy wanting to play drums to impress a girl is cute and totally normal. No 10 year olds are sitting down and having conversations about their feelings. I understand the criticisms of some storylines, but this is just nonsense. They’re children.
Anonymous
I like to read advice columns sometimes. An enormous percentage of the problems people– adult people– write in about could be resolved by talking to someone.
So I’m not bothered when a child coping simultaneously with his mother’s death and a first crush decides to join an activity that interests the crush as a prelude to, eventually, plucking up the courage to talk to her. If Joanna hadn’t liked him back, he still would have learned to play the drums. But then, I have a soft spot for stories about people who struggle to get out of their own ways.
Anon
It is a horrible movie!!! None of the relationships are healthy – in love with a friend in a committed relationship, hitting on your assistant, traveling to the US to get laid, etc. The only relationship that seems ok is the one between the adult film stars.
Anon
But that’s real life? People get crushes on people they’re not supposed to. I don’t think the movie presents the characters as being perfect.
Anon
It’s what you do with the crush that’s the issue, not the existence of the crush.
Anon
Ding ding ding.
Anon
But they are not presented as crushes. Each of those people try to make the relationships happen.
If it was just a complicated movie, I would like it. But it’s not. I romanticizes unhealthy relationships
Anonymous
“Each of those people try to make the relationships happen.” ? There are all kind of problematic relationships in the movie but they are not all trying to make relationships happen. Even boombox guy isn’t, it’s just a declaration of unrequited love. He knows he’s been a dlck to her, he’s just explaining why.
Anon
Even if it is (which I don’t agree with, I think it was a move on her), you don’t make a declaration of unrequited love to your best friend’s wife. If you have a crush on your best friend’s wife, you hide it and try to get over it, and never ever tell her about it.
Anon
I love it. I find it absolutely hilarious in parts and I think the Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson, Bill Nighy, Liam Neeson and Laura Linney storylines are beautifully told, heartbreaking and heartwarming. I know Hugh Grant falls for his employee, but it’s so far from the “sleazy boss hits on his subordinate” cliche that it didn’t affect my ability to root for them. I know a lot of people who met at work, so I don’t think it’s unrealistic. I agree the Colin Firth and Keira Knightley storylines are a little cringey, but I still laugh and cry at them. I think Colin (the British guy who goes to the US to get laid) is just there for comic relief and I crack up at the scene where he pronounces all the words for the giggling girls and they ask him to say “table” and they all just kind of pause for a minute because it sounds the same in both dialects. I don’t know. I think it’s a very funny and heartwarming movie and I don’t really understand the criticisms. Some characters do creepy or immoral things, but isn’t that life?
Anonymous
I think a lot of people expect it to be a Hallmark film. It’s not and it’s not supposed to be. It’s messy, complicated, inappropriate unsatisfactorily resolved, misogynistic at times etc. Just like love is in real life.
Anon
It makes me happy and everybody’s hot takes on it make me exhausted, so I watch it and don’t read them :)
Anon
I don’t love Love Actually, actually.
Recycled joke could not resist. But it’s not entirely true. I LOATHE Love Actually. That movie and the All I Want For Xmas song make me dread the Christmas season. And I am generally a Christmas music and movie lover.
Anonymous
Aw, really? I will confess I watch Love Actually each year (have fond memories of watching it with family members who have since passed), and I totally understand if it is not your jam, but unless someone is taping your eyelids open/forcing you to watch it, I do not understand how a movie released in theaters nearly 20 years ago would make you dread the entire holiday season! To borrow from another popular movie, might I suggest you let it gooooo? ;)
Anon
I love it, but I saw it in theatres when it came out when I was in high school and have watched it many many many times since then. It has big nostalgia factor for me.
anon
Oh it’s definitely terrible but fun to hate-watch. I absolutely love this analysis of it: https://jezebel.com/i-rewatched-love-actually-and-am-here-to-ruin-it-for-al-1485136388
Anon
I will confess I do not enjoy any “chick flicks” of any kind, ever, but I was completely baffled and disgusted by Love Actually. It’s pretty much every trope about “women just need the love of a good man to feel truly fulfilled” wrapped up in one movie. I find it amazing that so many smart, accomplished, self-actualized, self-made women I know just love that movie. I do not get it.
Anon
Also, women are judged solely on their looks and men don’t have to do anything but tell them they love them.
Anon
Maybe because smart, accomplished, self-actualized, self-made women also have room for light-hearted fun in their lives.
Seventh Sister
I’ve never actually watched it (the only holiday-ish movies I like are The Hudsucker Proxy and It’s a Wonderful Life), but my mom LOVES this move and loves the whole romantic comedy genre. But I had a very similar reaction to You’ve Got Mail – I wanted to throw Tom Hanks into a fiery pit for what he did to Meg Ryan’s bookstore.
As someone who can suspend disbelief enough to watch plenty of crap with ghosts, dragons, and physically impossible action sequences, I somehow can’t manage to stomach a romantic movie about a woman in LA who has no discernible means of income and a $150,000 kitchen.
Anon
Rot in hell, Nancy Meyers!
Anonymous
You can’t go into Love Actually thinking it’s a rom-com. It’s not. It’s about love in all different complicated imperfect forms that make us human. If you go in expecting a rom-com you will be disappointed.
Emma Thompson’s character keeping it together so as to not ruin her kids Christmas is my fav love story in the film. The love there is so fierce and defiant.
Anon
“As someone who can suspend disbelief enough to watch plenty of crap with ghosts, dragons, and physically impossible action sequences, I somehow can’t manage to stomach a romantic movie about a woman in LA who has no discernible means of income and a $150,000 kitchen.”
Wholeheartedly agree.
Maybe it’s because no one actually expects ghosts, dragons, and impossible action sequences in real life, but I know a fair number of people for whom “man/woman in L.A. who has no discernible means of income and a $150,000 kitchen” is a life goal.
Seventh Sister
Also, I’ve met WAY too many guys who are barely employed and average-to-sub-handsome but assume that a model-beautiful, intelligent woman with a great job is going to appear out of nowhere and go out with them. That seems to happen allllll the time in movies, The Holiday for example.
Anonymous
who in The Holiday is barely employed?
Anon
Saw in the cinema when it first released, and did not enjoy it. Have tried to rewatch it in later years (as “it’s on tv, it’s late and I want something mindless), thinking I might enjoy it more now, but no, I really don’t.
There are a couple of scenes I enjoy, but on the whole I don’t care about any of the characters, and find the undertone less than appealing.
I had a look at Richard Curtis’ writing credits, though, and I generally don’t like his movies a lot. The only thing he’s done I really find funny, is Blackadder, and I think that’s probably due to Ben Elton…
anon
I would like to give friends a nice baked bread as a gift and bake it in a festive loaf pan/tin that would be a part of the gift. Any leads on where to find a fun loaf pan or tin? I’d like to spend up to $30.
lydia
King Arthur Flour’s online store… or Williams Sonoma. or probably bed, bath, and beyond, if you can bear it this time of year.
anon
Nordicware always has pretty bakeware. It’s in a lot of mass retail places — Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, WS, most specialty kitchen places.
Anon
Look to Nordic Ware brand. They sell it on Amazon and at William’s Sonoma. Particularly the Jubilee loaf pan is gorgeous.
Anon
Here is a good link to the Nordic Ware
https://www.nordicware.com/bakeware/bread-loaf-pans
Anonymous
I’ve been drooling over the Bennington Potters’ loaf pan for years. So pretty!
Anon
I just bought the honeycomb pull-apart pan from Nordic Ware for my son who is into baking and loves honey. It’s adorable and makes little hexagonal cakes that pull apart, as in the name. It comes with a recipe for honey cake, so this pan plus some local honey would be a great gift for a baker.
CA girl
I live and work in California. I recently got a big promotion at work that will require me to spend more time in NYC with fancy people. Including in the winter. What do I wear for outerwear when I will be dressed in business attire (or just shy of business attire) at work? I will be walking between my hotel, the NYC office, and dinner. In California, my go-to is my Patagonia down jacket, but I can’t imagine wearing that on top of a suit jacket.
I’d love any specific recommendations, or general pointers on brands or styles. I’m willing to spend up to $1000.
anon
You wear this:
https://www.aritzia.com/us/en/product/cocoon-wool-coat/48560.html
anon
Oooh, was not really in the market for a new coat, but that’s so nice!
Anon
Wool coat. You absolutely do not need to spend $1,000.
Never too many shoes...
Ooh, but Mackage or Max Mara if you WANT to spend that much (or more).
Gail the Goldfish
Wool coat. Look for 100% wool with a good lining. I recently bought the shorter version (the 3/4) of this: https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/61752?page=classic-lambswool-polo-coat-long
and can confirm it’s plenty warm. I’m between a 4 and 6 and bought a 6 so I could wear it over suit jackets and it fits with maybe even a little room to spare. I would go with the longer for NY.
Gail the Goldfish
Though if it’s, like, polar vortex cold, just wear the giant puffy coat. Everyone else will be. Wool’s good until it gets below 25ish, then forget it.
Anon
FWIW I am a Californian who works in NYC regularly and, while there are plenty who wear wool coats, there are just as many who wear puffer coats with all manner of business wear. I have both but find the down puffer a lot easier to travel with as it can be stuffed on top of my roller bag in the overhead.
Canada goose is popular but not required. Any puffer with a hood is fine. When it’s that cold people don’t really care about how formal your coat is.
I honestly have a harder time dealing with the heat and humidity in NYC summers.
anon
$1,000 is an insane amount to spend on a coat unless you’re a mountaineer or something.
Anon
Even fancy business people wear parkas and puffers. It’s winter.
Anonymous
+1. Unless you are so fancy you are taking cabs everywhere, at some point function tops fashion.
NYCer
+1. I am honestly surprised by all the suggestions for wool coats on this thread. Parkas are totally normal/acceptable over business attire in winter.
Anonymous
Boden has cute stuff that isn’t black and dreary but also isn’t too twee.
CA girl
Thank you!
Anonymous
I like Cinzia Rocca cashmere blend coats for this.
Anon
Piggybacking on outerwear question. I’m in PNW and an hourglass. My 3-in-1 Marmot has been just about perfect for all of our weather and fit pretty well but it’s finally getting worn out. What is a good fitted insulated rain coat folks can recommend? A belt would be a huge plus to keep the weight more distributed. Eddie Bauer does not fit me (it seems the chest widening is cut lower than how my body is built). Also would love a recommendation for a fitted vest with a hood.
anon
Speaking of goal-setting: I’ve been running consistently for about two years now. My fellow running friends have been trying to convince me to train for a half marathon. And … I don’t think I want to? It would be cool to say that I’ve done it and I know I’d feel a huge sense of accomplishment, but that’s a different mindset than actually wanting to run that far! I’d hate for my main source of stress relief to turn into anything that feels like pressure. The training time alone would be a big commitment, I’m not that fast to begin with, I don’t want to get hurt, my nutrition would have to change, blah blah blah. Does it sound like I’m making excuses or like this really isn’t the right goal for me? I have a 40th birthday coming up in 2020 and it would be great to have a big, challenging accomplishment by then, but I feel lukewarm about the whole thing.
nona
I wouldn’t worry about – it sounds like races really aren’t your thing. I don’t think it’s weird that they asked, because it seems like something someone who identifies as a runner might want to do, but I think it’s fine to just say “Races aren’t my thing, I run to reduce stress, not to train for a race. that would just INCREASE my stress!”
Find something you actually want to do , if you want a 2020 goal.
AnonInfinity
+1! It’s ok if the half marathon isn’t your thing. You’ll vastly increase your chance of accomplishing a big goal if it’s something you’re actually excited about!
Anon
If it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing. If it’s not your distance, it’s not your distance.
Anon
I’m a firm believer that you should never set a goal for your free time that you are not excited about. Why do that to yourself? This isn’t the right goal for you, but I’m sure you will find another one that you are excited about.
Anon
If it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing. 15k and half marathon are my sweet spots when I’m in shape (because they’re not too long to be fast, but they’re not so short it’s a “run so hard you puke” mentality), so part of me wants to say “just try it… it’s FUUUUN!” but if you know deep down it’s not your thing, then don’t do it. I’d rather get a colonoscopy than train for a 10k, so I feel you on the visceral, “Oh g-d no” reaction.
First Year Anon
I’m a runner, and I run races a lot (including marathons), and it is 100% okay not to want to train for a half. Don’t feel pressured to do it because it checks off a box of an accomplishment. You are still a real runner even if you don’t run half marathons! It’s also totally okay to change your mind in 2 months and train for one :).
emeralds
It sounds like you don’t want to do it, so don’t do it!
If it’s helpful to hear, I love to run and have been running consistently for uhhh 17 years. But I don’t race on a regular basis because it stresses me out and I don’t enjoy doing it more than once or twice a year. Just because it’s something a lot of people like to do, doesn’t mean it has to be the right option for you.