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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This week's TPS reports come to us from blogger Road Warriorette, who's guest posted with us several times in the past.
I bought these Perfect Trouser pinstriped pants almost three years ago, and I still take them on almost every work trip. They are flattering, don't wrinkle, are incredibly comfortable, and go with basically everything in my closet. I wear them with pink, green, yellow, turquoise, purple, and orange. When this pair wears out (which doesn't appear to be anytime soon!) I'll buy another — they are that awesome. They're available at Gap in sizes 00-20 for $36, marked down from $59.95. Gap Perfect Trouser Pinstripe Pants
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Update: The pinstriped pants are no longer on sale, but the Perfect Trouser Pants in gray and Perfect Trouser Pants in true black are both marked down to $36.
tesyaa
The problem with recommending 3-year old items from the Gap, Old Navy and lots of other merchants is that they change the fabric and fit without changing the name of the item. The Gap “favorite” tees I bought last year were nothing like the “favorite” tees I bought in 2009.
DontBlameTheKids
AGREED. I used to recommend J.Crew trousers religiously. Then they stopped lining them, and I didn’t know until I bought a new pair on line. There tees were also great. Now they are so flimsy I wouldn’t recommend them to anyone.
anon for this
Sorry for a scandalous TJ so early in the morning, but how often do you working ladies “get down” with your significant other?
I consider my boyfriend and I lucky, as the spark has always been there. We’re usually at twice per day on a workday and often much more than that on the weekends (3+ times, which seems like a lot).
The problem is whenever we don’t do it, I feel like something is wrong with our relationship. Last night, we went out to a fancy dinner and the whole time he was telling me all of his intimate plans for the night. When we got home, though, we watched tv for a while and he ended up too tired to do anything but go to sleep. Today I’m grouchy and resentful at him, which I know is unfair. When he came on to me this morning, I rejected him because I had felt rejected – so immature. Please reassure me that taking a night off every now and then does not mean we’re doomed to a touchless relationship of tv-watching and ice cream?
Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie
Just my opinion, but it doesn’t have to be either or. You can “get down” frequently but still touch even when you’re not. My husband and I are constantly holding hands and cuddling and kissing but we don’t get it on nearly as much as you guys do. Seriously though, how do you have that kind of energy?
wow
I’m mostly in awe that twice a day or 3+ times on weekends is something you can maintain consistently… I can only guess you’ve been together less than a year? Now-DH and I kept up that pace only for a few months. With full time jobs (and not-insignificant commutes) and a toddler, it’s a couple times a week. I’m kind of exhausted just thinking about your schedule. Also, I’m just exhausted, see: toddler.
Anon
I’d look up some survey results on this topic if I were you- there’s a HUGE range of “normal” and you’re definitely on the way lucky end of it.
More importantly, though, I would be concerned that you’re not growing the relationship in other ways. If you’re spending so much time having sex, do you have time to get to know each other in a totally non-sexual way? Like just going out to dinner and talking (not about sex), for example.
anon for this
There will be peaks and valleys in every relationship. If one night off has you frustrated and questioning, you may want to focus on strengthening other avenues of intimacy (words, snuggling, etc).
Some nights tv-watching and ice cream is enough for this gal. I still know my husband is attracted to me even if we’re both exhausted.
Sparrow
I’ve been married 15 years and we average around 3-4 days a week.
Taking a night off every now and then will not result in a touchless relationship. However, anger, resentment and treating each other poorly will result in that. I think one of the most important things is to make sure you are meeting each others emotional needs or “speaking” their love language. People have different things that make them feel loved. IMO if you don’t feel loved by your SO, that will will lead to distance between you too, which can result in on a touchless relationship.
anon
This is a total humblebrag. I kind of have a hard time believing it’s even true that they average twice on a weekday.
Lyssa
Good heavens, where did all the nastiness come from? She just asked a question; if you’re not interested in answering it, feel free to scroll on by.
Anon
It’s a troll question, and I’m not sure what being a “working lady” would have to do with it even if it wasn’t.
Penny Proud
Are we suddenly limited to employment and career issues? We never have been before.
Anon
Of course not, but it seems like a question that is deliberately written to be slightly ridiculous and generate snarky responses.
snowy
I agree this has to be a troll.
Anonattorney
I was a bit put off by the OP’s statement that she and her boyfriend are lucky because “the spark has always been there.” The implication was that a “spark” between a couple = lots of sex.
Every couple is different. What matters is just that you both are getting as much as you want. But, I agree with everyone saying that you need more to connect you than just sex. If you only feel close to him, or desirable or loved when you are having sex, then something else is missing in the relationship.
AN
I’m just impressed that you do it so often. Unless you both don’t have day jobs? I’m tired just thinking about this.
Tired Squared
First, to answer your question – please know that skipping one night will not doom you to a touchless relationship/marriage.
Second – I don’t know how both of you can possibly find the energy to go twice a day on a weekday and three or more times a day on weekends. Part of me is a little envious that you have managed to do that, but part of me also wonders how the rest of your relationship is able to grow. If you get this worried about missing one night, it sounds like something else isn’t in sync.
Anonymous
+1. Sex slows down for 95% of people. Make sure there’s something there to replace it, even if it’s touchless TV nights.
Anonymous
Hahahahahah this can’t be real. Do you ever spend any time apart? Guys nights? Girls nights? Long nights at work? Any hobbies? Don’t worry about it. Your relationship will be fine even if you do it less than 16 times a week, sheesh! Sounds like all you guys do is do it or talk about doing it. Might be time to start developing a stronger, deeper relationship based not only on sex.
OP
Ok, ok. We’ve been together a little less than a year, so it sounds like maybe we’re just settling into something more normal.
Re: 2x a day, I’m surprised by all the snark. A little quickie after the alarm goes off (maybe just oral), and then something slower at night before bed. That doesn’t mean we have no real conversations or don’t hang out separately with friends or have a sex-centric relationship. Sheesh.
anon
Who is doing the oral more often? When you say “maybe just oral,” to me, that’s not a “just” if it’s you doing it.
Penny Proud
I’m also surprised by all the anger.
1. Some people have higher drives. OP and her SO do. Maybe you don’t. It’s okay everyone.
2. Like swimming, you can work on your form so that it takes less energy. (Note: I have never actually managed to do this with actual swimming. Going across the pool once exhausts me. I don’t know any manages to swim laps!)
3. Even high drive people get too tired sometimes. It’s possible to really want to, and then get too sleepy. There may be times in your life when that happens more often (e.g. raising small children, busy time at work, health issues affecting energy level, etc). There are ebbs and flows in a relationship that lasts.
Parfait
That’s where my fella and I were when we were at the under-a-year mark too. I would say we are at 3-4x a week now. Relax!
Ellen
I agree. This is NOT the place for us to get into detail about what we do (and do NOT do) with our boyfreind’s. We are a group of ladie’s with PROFESIONAL job’s and profesional interests that do NOT revolve around sexueal thing’s our boyfreind’s want to do with us. It is true that men are generaly NOT to interested in what we have to say as long as we do what they want, but I say FOOEY on that and I do NOT think we should glorify THAT here.
I prefer comenting on the clotheing, which is for the most part VERY STYLEISH, and shareing information with the HIVE about where the best sale’s are on profesional clotheing in each of our location’s. We also talk about other stuff, like job interview’s and how to deal with manageing partner’s and court apearances, etc., etc., but NEVER just about sex. DOUBEL FOOEY on that!
roses
While I’m a bit blown away by how much energy it would take to have sex that often, I don’t understand the hate on the OP. Think about how often people post on here talking about how having a higher or lower sex drive than their partner is causing problems in the relationship. OP just happens to have a really high sex drive, and is lucky enough to be with a person that generally does as well. Stop getting hung up on the frequency – her real question is how to handle hurt feelings and resentment when one of them doesn’t have the usual drive.
So, OP, to answer your actual question – are your hurt feelings/resentment coming from the fact that you actually wanted sex and he didn’t, or that you could have taken/leaven it but you felt rejected that he didn’t follow through with the “plans” he had told you? Number 1 is easily solvable – YOU do the initiating. Number 2 is a little harder because it requires you to improve your communication skills. It sounds like you two show that you care about each other and are attracted to each other by having sex. You should work on how to say that with your words instead of bodies when you’re too tired to have sex. Perhaps postponing the event but still talking about it would work – he could say “you’re so hot right now, I can’t wait to [X] to you tomorrow…” You have to let him know first though that it’s OK if he’s tired or whatever, but you still need some love in other ways.
CKB
We’ve been married almost 20 years, but we were never a twice a day couple, so take my comments with a grain of salt.
I’ve always felt that the right amount of gardening in a relationship was when both gardeners were satisfied with the frequency. We’ve been as low as once a week or even less (new babies and toddlers take their toll). We are currently at 2 to 3 times per week, sometimes more.
married anon
Your post reminds me of me and my husband during the first year of our relationship. Oh, I don’t know that we were quite as energetic as you describe, but we didn’t see each other as often as we would have liked, and we definitely felt there was some catching up we needed to do. :)
It’s been quite a few years since then, and there have certainly been some times when we’ve just been too tired. Life has a way of doing that, and unfortunately, it’s easy to start putting off those things; health problems and travel can also get in the way, and so forth… At least you don’t have that problem! On the other hand, I remember feeling quite worried, at first, when we didn’t express our passion for each other at every opportunity. The thing is, I think that in new relationships like yours, there’s a strong need for the reassurance of simply knowing you’re still wanted, loved, and valued. You don’t necessarily have that reflexive confidence in the other’s regard yet, and passion is an easy way to reinforce it. Look what happened when you skipped one opportunity to engage this way! You freaked out, right? This kind of emotional fragility affected me and my husband too, early on. The energy of insecurity can be funneled into desire, and I wonder if that’s what you two are experiencing.
If you don’t mind some advice, I might suggest having some conversations about the things that make you feel loved and valued. Obviously, expressions of passion will be one of those ways, but you might find it convenient to have a clearer understanding of alternate ways to get reassurance. You might find, as we did, that you need to learn how to feel loved without getting the easy and obvious validation of physical intimacy. But if I were you, I’d be telling my partner *why* I reacted that way, and walking him through the emotional pain and fear I experienced between last night and this morning. If you’re feeling badly about it, don’t you think he’s likely worried as well?
Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie
I’m bummed, only the talls and petites are marked down. The regular lengths are still full price.
C
I’m not seeing any sizes (Petite, Regular, or Tall) marked down.
Kate
Thank you for pointing that out — the sale must have ended very recently! Updated the post.
editrix
Today online only, the Modern Boots and Perfect Trousers are on sale — except for the pinstripes.
Kate
Thanks! Updated with that info as well.
Miss Behaved
I’m wearing my Gap perfect trousers today in charcoal gray. I do love them, but I find that the hems fall out after a while and I have to get them repaired. Other than that, though, they do always look nice and professional. I think I have 6 pairs in various cuts and colors.
Sparrow
I had the same problem with one of the hems on my Gap perfect trousers. I used Stich Witch to fix it up and it’s been fine since then. The short/petite lengths are great for me since I’m only 5’0″. I wear them year round and they are very comfortable. I machine wash on the gentle cycle and line dry and they have held up for a couple of years now.
HSAL
I have these in navy pinstripe and charcoal grey and I love them. I have read that the fabric is a little different than older versions, but they really are my perfect trousers for work. I keep waiting for additional colors. I do have the hem issue as well, but they’re still worth it, especially on sale/with a coupon code.
Lady Tetra
I used to have a lot of these, but they keep changing the fabric and fit so I never know when ordering if they’re going to be as good as the old ones. I also have had the hem problem, but it’s an easy fix.
Parfait
I have two pairs of these in the same size, and one fits perfectly and the other does not. Oh well, I have one pair for now and one pair for when Ilose 5 pounds.
Closet quantifying
Yikes — I seem to own >100 pieces of clothing (not counting gym and swimming and ultra-casual attire). And I live somewhere with 4 distinct seasons, so I am not optimistic about paring down much. I do put away as much non-seasonal stuff as I can, but I feel that this is just a lot of clothes. [And yet I am eyeing doing a JCrew suit purchase of about 5 suiting items.] Even though we’re business-casual, I feel that I need a lot of business formal items still. Also, I have children, so I have a lot of Boden-type casual pieces that I didn’t before (then, it was a wardrobe of extremes: suits and free t-shirts with words on them).
Even if I had closet space (which is scarce), it seems like the crazy has just crept up on me.
#drowninginclothing
HSAL
I’m sure I have more than 200 pieces of clothing, but I’ve been making an effort to pare down this year. I’m only allowed to buy 30 items of clothing/shoes this year (excluding intimates/athletic gear). Tracking what I wear has really helped me to see which of my clothing items I actually wear and which are aspirational only – for example, I own 15 skirts that can be worn to work. In 2014 I have won two of them.
tesyaa
If I don’t wear something, I donate it or dispose of it. Problem solved. In fact, my friend just commented that considering how often I shop, my closet is surprisingly unstuffed. The secret is not keeping things around that I hardly ever wear.
In the Pink
My rule is whenever I bring in one new item, one old one must depart. This extended to accessories, handbags, shoes. Only way to share a closet with hubs and maintain his space. I also am relentless in discarding/removing during the twice yearly closet change-out for the season.
anon-oh-no
the amount of clothes you own is really an individual thing. some people own little and like it that way, some own lots and like it that way (i.e., see my post from earlier this week). Personally, i dont think 100 pieces of clothing is that much; i have twice that many shoes alone.
But i do also track what i wear to see if i need to rotate something out of the closet — either to goodwill or just downstairs to the spare closet — and just to see generally how much i am wearing things. I have a good mix of high and low end stuff and a number of items (mostly dresses) that can only be worn once a month or so, and not always for all 12 months.
Closet quantifying
I can sort of track clothing b/c I can go about a month before I need to iron. Other items are occasion specific — we bring the children to church, and I don’t want to wear gym attire or a full-on suit. Lots of mom-at-pool-with-small-children clothes. And lots of pre-kindergarten parent socials (which are dressy, and this is for public school, but I am in the south where we just wear more clothes due to it being so humid here that 2 outfits/day on the weekend isn’t excessive).
Pieces don’t multitask as much as I’d hoped.
I see Keri Russell’s character on The Americans and I’d never dress up like that around the house (but it’s not the 80s and I’m not a Russian spy, so who knows?).
anon-oh-no
a really easy way to track is to just turn the hanger around after you wear an item. Like, start on june 1st and then check back after 1 or 2 or 3 months and see which hangers are still facing the original way. Then try to wear those pieces (it may be the wrong season, or an occassion-specific piece; if so, dont worry about it). If you cant wear it or dont want to wear it, then fix it, get rid of it, or buy something to make it more versitle.
Mpls
Even with 4 distinct seasons, I imagine you still have things than blend from one to the next, right? Can you figure out a way to maximize what can blend from fall to winter to spring? Or from spring to summer to fall? Sure, the heavy sweaters go away in the summer and the shorts don’t come out in the winter, but just about everything else in my closet works year round (in a state where we go from -20F to 85F and 85% humidity during the course of the year).
How much of your casual/mom stuff are you actually wearing? Do you have some go to favorites that you wear when not at work? Are you buying for your actual life, or your fantasy life? (No judgment – I fall into the trap too. I love the clothes and it looks awesome on, but I have no scenario in which I would wear it on a regular basis).
Mpls
As a follow up – if your work environment is business casual, what is making you feel you need business formal? Are you client facing/management so that you need to step it up a bit?
Closet quantifying
Senior and client facing / public facing, so I can’t do without suits (so suit at least once a week, but could easily be twice). Also, clients in our building who are business-formal, so even my business-casual days usually involve a jacket.
And when we have four seasons, it might be more in reality because we have early thaw, early spring, spring, early summer, hot, REALLY HOT + HUMID, summer, early fall, tweedy fall, cold & damp, winter, awful winter (a surprise this year). And rain.
So I have sweaters, heavy sweaters, and summer sweaters. Tropical wool and heavy wool. You get the picture.
Anon
While I don’t wear pants to work, I kinda love that today there was a recommendation for something so basic and a work staple. I could use these kinds of recommendations for pencil skirts – I’ve recently gained some weight and while all my skirts still fit, they’re probably a bit tight for the office.
Lady Tetra
I have a bunch of pencil skirts from LOFT and Halogen (Nordstrom) that are relatively inexpensive and wear well.
BB
+1 on the Halogen skirts (seamed pencil skirt aka “The Skirt”). They are actually a bit lower of a price range than I usually go for, but I absolutely love them. They look way nicer than their price point, and they’re sort of stretchy for those bloat-y/I ate too much over the weekend kind of days.
long time lurker
In theme with Cat’s pick today — GAP has a ponte pencil skirt that I find to be fairly forgiving in cut and sizing. It seems to have a bit of stretch. Check it out.
Blonde Lawyer
I know if you don’t wear pants you probably wear skirts or dresses but I just cracked up picturing someone coming to work in a dress shirt, hair done, brief case in hand, but no bottoms. As everyone stares in awe she just says “I don’t wear pants to work” and strolls to her office.
hoola hoopa
haha, the sketch comedy version of this that I have running in my head now is hilarious.
OP, it is always nice to see basics like navy trousers. As for skirts, I do feel like there was a round up of pencil skirts which you may be able to find though a search of this site. The halogen is definitely a favorite here.
hoola hoopa
I think this is the link: https://corporette.com/2012/09/24/the-best-pencil-skirts/
AIMS
Not sure how many people watched the State back in the day, but they had a sketch about this. Guy walks around pantsless all the time, doesn’t know why people treat him funny, finally someone tells him he should look into a pair of pants, and the punchline is “pants, eh?” I have friends that will still giggle if one of us just says that one line.
AnonInfinity
Thank you. Thank you for reminding me of The State. Love it. Miss it.
Anonypants
Ha! My husband likes to tease me by saying to DD, “Remember that day Mom forgot to wear pants to work?’ which makes her scream with laughter.
Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie
This is going to sound really dumb but this Father’s Day is my husband’s first Father’s Day with our cat. We don’t have kids yet and are obsessed with our cat, so I want to get him a little cat Father’s Day present. Does anyone have any fun/cute ideas? We already have professional pictures of our cat (like I said, we’re crazy), so that’s out. Thanks so much for your help!
Anonymous
I more than slightly love this idea.
How about some potted cat grass or cat nip as a gift from the kitties?
Anonymous
As if cats would give a gift. Puh-leaze. Have you met cats? For a special occasion you’re lucky if they will deign to let you snuggle them longer than usual.
anon
This is funny.
Senior Attorney
It is funny!
I might add “…or forego biting you when they’ve had enough snuggling.”
Tired Squared
This is true – cat gifts are generally dead (or half-dead) bugs/mice/rats, because they’re trying to teach you how to hunt, you stupid human! :)
I think you could do a cute cat-themed picture frame or something, with a picture of the three of you. And maybe a chewed up mouse “from the cat.”
Marilla
Ha – I wonder if you could get chocolate mice that would be “from the cat”! A better version of what the cat dragged in.
Anonymous
As the original poster of the comment – this is amazing :-)
Anonymous
+1. Something from the kittehs!
Anonymous
Oh get the stick out of your butt – its cute
Anon
This is the most charming and adorable thing I’ve seen in a long time. I’ve been meaning to get a paw print of my dog (probably in that plaster stuff that kids use to make hand prints), maybe that could work?
Kate
Maybe one of those pawprint kits? You can make a pawprint cast to frame with a picture of your cat next to it. I just bought a “from the cat” Father’s Day card for my husband and we DO have a kid. (ETA: Ah, Anon beat me to it!)
Sparrow
Maybe some cat themed clothing? Socks, a t-shirt? Not sure where you live, but I saw some cute cat-themed mugs at Meijer. I would also check out Etsy.
I'm an associate
A pair of cat socks would be amazing. They make cards from pets, so one of those too.
Portia
Not dumb at all – my husband and I love doing this in a kind of tongue-in-check sort of way. My dogs go the very traditional route to up the cheese factor. Last year they got my husband some grilling tools, this year he’s getting a tie or some golf tees (I’ll let the dogs choose which by holding out an old tie and a golf ball and seeing which they sniff first – that way I can make a big deal to my husband that the dogs decided what to get him). My husband always helps them pick out flowers for me for Mother’s Day. There’s never anything wrong with showing appreciation for your spouse, whether or not they’ve procreated.
Katie
Maybe check out gifts at a photo site like Shutterfly? You can get mugs or calendars or blankets with a favorite photo screened onto them. Otherwise, maybe get your husband something for his interests/hobbies and say it’s from the cat?
Anon
Don’t be a jerk. There’s nothing wrong with loving your cats, loving your husband, and finding a reason to celebrate them both.
snowy
Hahaha my cat usually gets my DH a “father’s day” present, and the cat has gotten me a “mother’s day” present in the past. I think it’s fun. For me the best part is the SO pretending “Oh how cute he got you a card! I thought I saw him trot over to Walgreen’s yesterday.” as if they didn’t actually buy it. For some reason my husband doing that just cracks me up, that’s enough of a gift for me.
Gail the Goldfish
My mom still does this with christmas presents. She signs them from “Santa.” “Oh, look what Santa got you this year!”
Ebro fin
I send an e-card with a random cute photo I’ve taken when he wasn’t home. I also get something small and always fun– candy or a book. For Mother’s Day, each cat gave me an Alex and Ani bangle, which I thought was adorable. I also encourage the cats to give a kiss, but it hasn’t happened yet.
PinkKeyboard
My Mom had a painting done of her cat, it’s smaller with a bright background. It looks really cool and not lame and the only reason I haven’t done it for ours is it’s pretty pricey for 4 cats and a dog. A bunch of people do them on Etsy.
Jtx
There is an artist on etsy who does pet paintings. Her shop name is dimdi. She painted an 8 by 10 portrait of my dog and we absolutely love it.
BB
What are your styling thoughts on wearing dark somber colors (black, navy, gray) with bright saturated colors (turquoise, coral etc.)? I have always liked this “pop of color” look, but this morning, I put on an almost-black navy skirt + a bright coral blazer. My husband mentioned that it looked odd because navy is a dark “winter” color and coral is so bright and summery. He’s usually pretty good at these color matching things, but what do you think? Ignore? Some truth here?
Anon
I think navy goes with most things. Maybe it depends on how dark the navy is? I vote ignore. If it were black, probably more truth to that.
anon-oh-no
ignore. navy and gray are great summer alternatives to black.
that said, ive never loved the look of black (or navy for that matter) with a single, solid bright color. it looks a little stark and dated to me — and maybe this is what he was reacting to.
try adding a third color (with coral, i’d probably choose white or bright blue or even red) blouse, or a printed blouse, or scarf or jewelry.
Anonymous
I’ve hear this a lot here that the Hive thinks black with bright colors is dated. Maybe it’s because I’m 24, but to me, that look is fine. Am I missing something? I mean when I wear a black suit with coral, or with french blue, I feel like I look fine, but are older women looking down on me?
anon-oh-no
i’m in my late 30’s, so older for sure, but im certainly not looking down on you. and in fairness, i really dont have any hard an fast fashion rules, so on occasion, ive been known to wear, say a black suit with a solid, bright top (and i think its a little different with suits — obviously you have to wear something with it, and just white all the time is boring).
I just usually add something — a scarf for example, or a big piece of jewelry.
BB
Hmm…never thought about it from a “dated”/contemporary perspective, but you might be right. The navy I have on right now is pretty dark, but I also have on a cream shell and a bright blue necklace to hopefully match/tone down the navy.
I guess I’ll put this outfit in the category of “works, but not ideal” outfits!
Senior Attorney
I love navy with coral.
I find that adding some white (belt, shoes, blouse) to black/dark navy with a bright really freshens it up and keeps it from looking dated.
Senior Attorney
And also? I think coral is a great contemporary color that looks fine on its own with black or navy. My advice above applies more to colors like red or cobalt, that can look a little dated with black on their own.
hoola hoopa
I’d straight up ignore my husband’s comments about this sort of thing, but he’s color blind and not at all fashionable. But if your husband usually has a good sense, then I’d consider it.
I agree that navy and coral are appropriate for spring/summer, so maybe it was something about the styling. Could it be that the fabric is more of a winter weave or fiber?
NYNY
I think that the contrast of dark and bright colors only looks “dated” if it isn’t flattering on you. I have high contrast in my coloring – pale skin, dark hair – and can totally pull off dark + bright (wearing red & black today), but look frump city if I pull in a third medium tone. People with less contrast in their coloring usually look better with less contrast in their clothing. So someone with a medium skin tone and light brown hair will look overwhelmed by the stark color contrast and should pull in another color to ease the transition.
TL;DR – it’s not dated if it suits you.
Kate in DC
IMHO, bright colors like coral and turquoise work with navy and charcoal (and of course white) but not with black. But that’s just me.
yikes
Why do I feel like this blog is quickly taking a turn for the worst? Maybe the host is stretched too thin, and the audience is stretched between multiple blogs….
Marilla
Because: Kat is not super engaged with the commenters anymore; commenters are here more for the community/conversations than for the content; and there’s been a weird rise in snark, pettiness, and nastiness over the past year and a bit which is driving away regular commenters and discouraging new ones? I think the third one is the most important but not sure where it’s come from. It’s really sad because there are/have been lots of great people and conversations here.
Sparrow
I agree with you on the rise of snark, etc. I don’t get it or understand why ppl chose to comment in such a manner. It is fine to disagree with a poster, but I think it can be done in a constructive way.
Anonymous
A BIG factor that keeps me from contributing more is the wonkiness of the site – the “you’re posting too fast”, “looks like you’ve posted that already”. I don’t want to spend my free time during the day hitting “refresh” a bunch of times on the site, hoping the comment goes through. Other blogs don’t have this issue and I’m more willing to engage there. This isn’t new, but definitely impacts my participation rate.
Anonymous
+1 I’ve stopped participating because of the tech problems. Just annoying.
anon
Was there a time when Kat was more engaged with the commenters?
Anonymous
No. This has simply never been a feature of this blog.
anon-oh-no
although she did not regularly engage, she did used to comment more. but i think its more than the posts have felt a little “phoned in” lately.
Marilla
I feel like she used to chime in a little bit more, on the clothes discussions if not the work/family/relationships/etc ones.
Mpls
Eh – she rarely commented at all on the content of the comments. The most I ever saw her comment was during the tech difficulties when she was switching blog formats. As for the content of the comments – a handful of times.
Nellie
I agree with most of your assessment, but I have to say that this community would benefit from not idealizing the “regular commenters.” There are plenty of regular commenters who occasionally post unproductive or snarky comments, and they tend to get a pass based on their perceived status. “Regular commenters” are sometimes guilty of shutting down questions or patrolling the topics to an annoying degree, IMO. Or they make a big deal of “taking a break” from the site because they do not feel they are being treated how they deserve to be treated. And of course, many of the best and most insightful comments are also by regular commenters— but not only them. I just think this distinction is made too often around here, and it doesn’t serve anyone well.
anon
Agreed. It was a regular commenter who made me feel like crap yesterday, while many others thought my question was perfectly fine. And then another regular commenter stood up to defend her saying it was rude (a violation of Emily Post, no less) for me to post as anon. Not inconvenient or anything else, but RUDE. To post as anon. That’s crazy pants.
cc
I always find the demand that no one be anon odd. Everyone is anon. My name is not really cc. You are just picking a random name to post as. Whether that name is newyorkperson or anon really doesn’t matter
Anonymous
I also get tired of a certain poster bullying the Anons. It is Kat and her editing team’s site. They have made the decision to allow guest commenting without accounts. If someone doesn’t like that, they can raise it with Kat and her team, but to continually berate posters for doing something that is perfectly in compliance with the rules of the site, but just happens to bother that regular, is ridiculous behavior.
tesyaa
I did not mean to make you feel like crap, but tone and intent are hard to convey on the internet. In any event, even when I get insulted by a random internet stranger, I don’t let it make me feel like crap. Life is too short.
tesyaa
When people post as “anon” or similar it is too hard to follow the conversation because there are so many with the same handle. That is the only objection. Of course we’re all anonymous.
Mpls
I think the idea regarding picking a name rather than going anon is about facilitating the discussion. Being anon isn’t de facto rude, but by putting a consistent name to yourself as a speaker, you are building a reputation, which signals to others about how to judge your opinion (you know person A likes the things you like so you give her opinions more weight than you would person B who like xyz things you like, but not opq).
I think it also helps keep the discussion more civil because you have to identify yourself, even if its only a step or two above total anonymity. It’s way easier to say things anonymously that you wouldn’t ever say if someone could connect it to you.
I’m sure there is someone who has described this better than I have, but I think there is value in picking a name to identify yourself with if you want to be part of the conversation.
rosie
I also think it’s weird to jump on the anons. While I completely agree that it makes it easier to participate in a discussion if you use the same handle for that discussion, you can just set up a handle for that discussion (or call yourself OP when you respond to a question you asked). I really don’t get the “hiding behind anonymity” thing, because that’s what we all are doing (except for posters who link to blogs that have their real names). As Anonymous @ 12:15 said, that’s how this site is set up.
AIMS
Obviously everyone is anonymous save for a few who link to their blogs, etc.
But why is it easier to be “anon” than “anonsally”?
Alice
anon, I do have to say I was a bit aghast to read the response to your question yesterday. I considered chiming in to say so, but, it got out of hand so quickly that I decided to eat a muffin instead. I was interested in the actual responses, though. Not pregnant but I always kind of wondered about the answer to your question.
Also, I think that while there may be valid reasons for not posting as “anon,” there’s no reason to go at an individual commenter about it. I mean, it’s not a huge deal.
anon
Thank you, Alice. I hope you enjoyed your muffin. :)
Parfait
Of course my mother didn’t name me Parfait. It’s just hard to tell all you anons apart, is all, especially when you start replying to each other.
Also, there is no way to build up any shared history or rapport with an Anon or an Anonymous.
Why not just pick a name, any name?
Marilla
Yes, you’re right – some of the older/frequent commenters are certainly guilty of drama and snark too. I don’t think I thought through that statement well enough. Maybe I mean older readers rather than regular commenters. There’s always going to be a natural evolution in a community like this with people coming and going, and that’s good and healthy. But it sort of feels like a huge portion of people that were present and engaged (not necessarily commenting 5+ times per post, but once-twice a week) have gone, which is too bad – ideally you’d want a balance to keep things feeling calm and friendly, not like an empty playground with people wandering in, shouting a question, and leaving. My thinking is not super clear on this though – I’m sure someone else can express it better!
Genesis
I often get tired of “regulars”. Frankly, I wish everyone would post as anon or use different names if they’re going to post so frequently. I’m here for discussion on work and clothing. I don’t really mind other/personal conversation topics, but I feel like I know way too much about some of these regular commenters.
tesyaa
As I said above – if everyone posts as “anon” or similar, it’s very hard to follow the conversation.
DCR
Agreed that I know a ton of really personal informaiton about some of the regulars.
And I have no problems with the anons. The vast majority of people are great about identifying if they were the OP, and at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if it’s one person or two. I wish people would stop being mean to posters just because they didn’t provide a name. It reminds me too much of the middle school lunchroom where you got made fun of if you didn’t have the right clothing brands and people would say you needed X shoes.
Parfait
How is that bad? That’s how community is made.
@ Parfait
Not everyone is comfortable having so much of their life in the public domain. Numerous commenters have remarked on their ability to essentially identify a poster by piecing together comments over a period of time (reference to city here, practice area there, size of firm here, office floor plan there). I was changing user names often to avoid that, but it’s just easier to leave the box blank than sit here spending even just one otherwise-billable minute thinking of a cute literary reference for my username.
Parfait
Oh ok, i thought that “I feel like I know way too much about some of these regular commenters” meant you minded knowing “too much” about other people, not that you didn’t want other people to know that much about you.
Anon
I agree. I used to comment all the time and quit commenting entirely (exception here) because a regular commenter singled my comment out to tear me down. It wasn’t just being overly sensitive, it was unneccessarily mean.
tesyaa
Anon, see my apology, below.
anon
Do you mean the posts or the community? I mean, Kat is pregnant and just hired a new editor and has guest bloggers so obviously the posts themselves have been a bit different. Also, with the midday posts, Kat is trying to respond to the request for more meaningful content with no threadjacks.
As for the community, we’ve lost a lot of the commenters who used to inject fun into the conversation because they are disgusted by the nasty tone of the comments.
anon for this
I read this blog every day, but I rarely comment. I think the biggest problem is that there is no moderation whatsoever in the comments. There’s definitely been a rise of deliberately hurtful anonymous comments, and I don’t understand why Kat or her editor aren’t stepping in more to keep these from going live. It’s creating a hostile environment and probably keeping a lot of the regulars and the lurkers from contributing.
Kate
Thank you for all your feedback (and I am being genuine when I say that). Kat and I (the new editor) do keep an eye on the comments, and at the same time Kat has always believed in moderating with a light touch. Yesterday, a couple of comments and the subsequent replies were deleted because they were simply hurtful, sarcastic comments directed at guest posters.
We encourage you to flag the nastiness/snark that you all are mentioning; please feel free to click “Report” below comments that you think should be removed.
Anon @ 10:40am is right — it’s not exactly “business as usual” right now. However, we are listening, really, and we want you to enjoy coming to Corporette and being a part in the community here. Thank you for reading and continuing the conversation.
Kat G
And to chime in here (says Kat): I just had a newborn, guys (Harry was born 5/25, yay!) — things were not easy in the last few weeks of the pregnancy and things are not going well with breastfeeding now, so yeah, I’m a bit checked out this week as I reacquaint myself with the Vile Pump of Doom and the joy of a 45-minute catnap at 3AM. I’ve done what I can to queue up some great content in the coming weeks, and I hope we’ll all be adults with the guest posters (many of whom are NOT necessarily bloggers but rather lawyer/professional friends of mine who I thought had something to say that would spark an interesting discussion with this community). Lots to say about my theories on community moderation and engagement but I don’t think my current state (where I’ve had maybe 6 hours sleep in the past 3 days) is the time to say it.
Bottom line: thank you for reading. Please use the Report button if you think something is inappropriate — if 4 other people agree then the comment will be placed in the moderation queue for Kate or myself to decide.
rosie
Congratulations!
Gail the Goldfish
Congrats!
January
I was wondering if the abundance of guest posts signaled the arrival of a new baby! Congrats on your new addition — Harry and Jack is an adorable pair of names. :)
OCAssociate
Congratulations on your new son! Those first few weeks are so hard. I hope feeding gets easier and you don’t have to spend so much time with the vile pump.
Sydney Bristow
Congratulations Kat!
Marilla
Congratulations Kat!
Philanthropy Girl
I absolutely adore that name! Congrats, Kat!
anon99
Mazel tov! Love the name!
eh230
Congrats, Kat! Just wanted to chime in that if you end up having to exclusively pump for Harry that you should check out some exclusive pumping boards on Facebook. I nursed my first but have been exclusively pumping for my second for 8 months. It is crazy but can be done!
Pink
It’s especially bad today. It looks like several folks got up on the wrong side of bed this morning.
PolyD
And didn’t get to “do it” when they did. Or had to, whichever makes one crankier.
anon
I feel like that comment has been made every day in the past week. And I don’t mean that in a snarky way.
Marilla
Yep.
Judy Jetson
You know you’re not really anonymous when you link to your blog, right?
Anon
It seems that this problem could be partially solved by people just not responding to snark/pettiness. Keeps the negative feelings from cascading out of control.
Sydney Bristow
I think an additional problem is reading things in a negative light, which may make them seem snarky even when they aren’t meant to be. There are several commenters who post in a very straightforward manner and seen as snarky because of that. Instead of jumping to respond to something as snark, it can be helpful to take a moment and re-read things to see if there is a more positive way to look at it and whether it is actually snarky or just straightforward.
AIMS
This is good life advice, too.
AEK
It was a little bad, but I have to say that I also don’t love that some of the negative comments are now deleted— e.g. the comment that the guy with a cat is not a father. It was a jerky comment to make, but was it so offensive that we fragile flowers can’t be exposed to it?
anon
Yeah, I agree. I know this puts the editors in a tight place.
Anonymous
I agree with deleting it more because it was wholly nonresponsive and it (and the responses) took the subthread off topic. It makes it harder to follow the intended substance of the subthread when those kind of tangents get weaved in.
Anon
Deleting does make it confusing, though. I can see responses to the deleted post (both in support and defense) but can’t see the original post and have no idea what they are referencing.
Anonymous
Oh, I agree that it’s confusing when the replies are left (and orphaned at the bottom). I obviously don’t mean to speak for everyone, but if I had responded to that post to say that it was rude and out of line, I would be fine with my response being deleted when the original rude comment was deleted.
cc
Are posts being deleted now?
Nina
I for one am sick of self-appointed hall monitors criticizing people for asking for advice or posing questions here. If Kat wants to moderate to keep things on topic, so be it, but it’s not the job of bossy commenters to do it for her.
I like to think of this place as a community of friends. It used to have that feel— you could count on support, or, if not, then people had the courtesy to not say anything at all rather than say something critical, or to at least attempt to be sensitive in suggesting alternative views. Now, “tough love” seems to be a badge of honor for some commenters. Without the love. Who needs that?
A supportive community of women is an awesome thing. But the default doesn’t seem to be friendship anymore. Instead, folks are using the forum to establish their own superiority over people vulnerable enough to admit that they don’t know what do with their job, relationships, etc.
anon
and people get criticized for being friends.
Senior Attorney
For some reason the posts don’t seem to be appearing under the posts they’re in response to. And I am having an awesome time trying to figure out if this is in response to the sex thread, or the cat thread, or what.
/easily amused
hoola hoopa
I’m enjoying just reading them as a single thread, lol. #evenmoreeasilyamused
Mpls
I think the parent post got deleted and now they are orphan posts. Just needs a little rendition of “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” and everything will be better, right?
tesyaa
Honestly, it will be dull around here if all we can talk about is Gap pants and J Crew sizing. But that’s where this is headed.
tesyaa
The reply function seems disabled, but maybe it’s just me?
ANON
God I hope its you. You have been seriously rude for about two weeks now.
Um yes
Before this gets deleted, I had to say it made me spit out water at my desk.
anon2
You were the one who said we should only talk about that shirt yesterday!
Rachelellen
Loved that.
I'm an associate
+1 also amused
anon
no biggie – just having a generally bad day. Too much crap crashing down on my head today. Personal and professional.
Penny Proud
I agree completely. I may have to look for alternatives. I have followed the blog for years for the comments (I periodically change user names). [No offense to Kat; I just don’t buy clothes often enough to follow exclusively fashion-oriented blogs. I have taken some recs though!]
I liked having a place where I could learn so much from so many professional women. I could take a few minutes out of my day and learn about anything: lateraling or going in-house, traveling in prague, current flash sales, child rearing issues, the declining quality in a certain brand, the housing market in san fran, etc.
I can go to any website and see commenters fight each other.
sweetknee
amen
SFAttorney
I agree. I learn a lot and enjoy the conversations.
Silvercurls
+1 for all of these! I’ve enjoyed visiting, learning from, and exchanging comments from with the members of this online community.
Marilla
Agree with all this too.
Anonymous
I think your first paragraph hits on a big one for me. Sometimes I’ll come here to post a request for input that should only be one or two sentences, but it ends up being three paragraphs after I add the disclaimers of “Yes, I’ve tried X, Y, and Z” and “A, B, and C aren’t options because [insert long explanation to justify validity]”–to avoid snarky “you idiot just do X, seriously is this a question” responses. Often, I end up canceling my comment because it ends up taking longer to write out than I anticipated for this reason, and/or I start imagining all of the rude responses I might get and that outweighs any potential benefit of the helpful ones.
This is a community of intelligent successful women–can we please give commenters the benefit of the doubt that they’ve tried the obvious or have valid reasons for the obvious not being an option without calling them idiots? If you feel like there’s a simple solution that is often overlooked, or the commenter says its a subject area they’re not familiar with and could benefit from some “beginner tips”, that’s one thing to suggest them, but no need to add snark or make the person feel small for asking something with a “simple” solution.
anon
Good point.
Mpls
Caveat – The obvious things aren’t always obvious to everyone. So, if you are seeking advice and haven’t explained if you have/haven’t/can’t you kind of have to take what you can get. At the same time the advice givers do themselves a favor by remembering that not everyone has the same knowledge base as they do, so even if it seems like a “duh, why don’t you know this” question, chances are your question will be a “duh” question to someone else.
Questions are about learning, and why would you want to stifle someone that is trying to learn?
tesyaa
I mostly understand what you are saying, but just because you say “this is a community of intelligent and successful women” doesn’t make it so. There are certainly trolls (besides the pleasantly obvious Ellen), and there may be some people who are neither successful nor intelligent. There may even be men.
I feel bad that I made someone feel bad yesterday, and I hereby apologize. At the time, I felt that saying “ask your doctor” in response to a pregnancy question didn’t seem so unreasonable. Now I understand that the person clearly couldn’t ask her doctor, she was not genuinely worried but wanted a little reassurance, and should have been allowed to receive it in peace. Anon, I’m truly sorry.
anon
Thanks, tesyaa. I appreciate it.
I'm an associate
I agree the blog is changing a bit. I’ve been following this site for a few years, with a few different handle changes. I like all of the posters, including anons, newbies, regulars, and veterans. I wish there was more dialogue and less snarkiness. What I particularly like about this site is that I know the women I am reaching out to with comments have something in common with me (working/professionals). I really value this.
No offense to Kat but I usually don’t even read the posts (after following for several years, I feel the posts rarely provide new info). I visit the site specifically for the comments. So basically what I’m saying is, CAN WE ALL COMMENT MORE AND BE NICER?! WORLD PEACE FOR ALL!
JBB
First, I agree with the technical difficulties. It’s hard to post – typical to get the “you are posting too fast message”.
Second, I have been thinking a little about a similar thread to this one a few weekends ago. There were several comments that the b-feeding and preggo questions were annoying and why can’t those ladies go to the new ‘etteMoms site and open up this blog to solely advice and career mentoring questions. My thought is that if you chase the moms off this blog, you might be chasing off a lot of those experienced career chick rockstars that might post some great advice.
For instance, I’m later 30’s in an advanced engineering position. I’m not nursing a baby or pregnant, but I have been and I like replying with things that I experienced. So I might not necessarily frequent the moms blog because I’m not really seeking advice in those areas, but I still will probably read and participate in the discussion on here. But if we are only talking about dating or brand new grads on here, I’m past that and maybe the mom blog is for me, but I’d take my almost 20-year-career’d experience with me. I imagine that’s the same for a lot of ladies on here.
PS – Congratulations to Kat. Hang in there!
Samantha
+1 to this. I’m a mom but “out of the trenches” of infant and toddler. It isn’t an all-consuming part of my life anymore, so I’d want to stay here. I’m no longer interested in maternity or nursing or nanny topics, but if someone asked I’d share my advice. So this is a tough distinction to make where you risk new moms going away to the site and experienced moms interested in non-mom topics might stay here and not be available to answer questions.
New Buffalo, Michigan?
Has anyone spent much time in New Buffalo, Michigan? Some friends and I are considering renting a house on Air BnB for a summer weekend there, and we’d love to get any recommendations.
ContractsinTX
I’ve never been to New Buffalo, but we had a wonderful experience using airbnb in London. It felt nice to have a place to feel settled each night – and to do laundy! Our flat’s owner even bought us a new carton of milk for our tea that afternoon. Cute!
ContractsinTX
*laundry
Vacations on the Indiana side of the border
Every summer my family rents a house in the Beachwalk Community in Michigan City (10 minute drive from the New Buffalo). New Buffalo is a super cute town, and the beach is just lovely. For us, a plus of the area is that when necessary the attorneys in our group can take the commuter train into Chicago for work if things come up that have to be dealt with while the rest of the family enjoys the beach. No sure what kind of a trip (grownups or with kids?) you are taking. My recommendations more have to do with kid friendly places in the area – like getting ice cream at Oinks, grabbing burger’s at Redamak’s, or getting dinner at Tree House while the kids run around.
New Buffalo, Michigan?
Thanks! I should have specified. This would be a group of thirtysomethings, some singles, some couples. No kids.
Annie
My husband is from St. Joe, just a little farther north on Lake Michigan. If you are casino people, the Four Winds Casino is relatively nice. You can go wine tasting in Berrien Springs, I’d recommend Tabor Hill and Round Barn. If you like beer, Greenbush Brewery is in Sawyer. Warren Dunes State Park is a little North of New Buffalo, and is really pretty. Michigan City has nice outlet malls, if that is of interest to you. Obviously, there’s spending time at the beach. Silver Beach in St. Joe is really nice, and has a carousel, but Tiscornia beach on the other side of the river is usually less crowded and just as nice. If you’re there in July or August, the swimming cannot be beat. Harbor Shores in Benton Harbor is a brand new golf course, which is hosting the Senior PGA tour this summer.
Here are some restaurant recommendations, mostly in St. Joe area. Tosi in Stevensville has really delicious Italian food. They have a bakery attached which is my favorite place to get coffee and pastries, called Bit of Swiss. Silver Beach Pizza in St Joe is right near the beach, and has wonderful pizza, beer, and cocktails. The Buck is a burger and beer bar in downtown St. Joe, with an excellent local beer selection.
PolyD
Could anyone comment on how the Perfect Trousers compare to Gap’s Curvy Fit? I have 2 pairs of Curvy Fit I bought probably 3+ years ago and I love them, but Gap doesn’t seem to have them anymore. I suppose I could just order up some Perfects and return if they don’t fit, but thought I’d ask. Gap’s Slim Cropped Pants fit me pretty well (or at least the ones I bought last summer do).
AIMS
I would just say that the Perfect Trousers in their recent fabric stretch out insanely after about 3 washes. So even if they fit, be prepared for them to not fir the same way after a short while.
AEK
WSJ article on sizing of clothing and the trend toward S/M/L instead of numeric sizes:
http://online.wsj.com/articles/shopping-for-clothes-forget-a-size-4-youll-have-to-try-a-small-1401318967
Senior Attorney
Apparently you have to be a subscriber to read the article, but it seems like with the less bodycon fits S/M/L is definitely on the rise. Which I’m not particularly mad at. Although I swear, sizing is so inconsistent that I can be swimming in a S in one brand and busting out of an L in another.
AEK
You can do the workaround by using your favorite search engine…
Cb
Absolutely. I was wearing a small top and a large bottom from the same store the other day! And I’m pretty evenly distributed.
rosie
Actually kind of annoying. One perk for retailers according to the article is that they make fewer sizes. That sounds like it’ll make it harder to find something that will fit off the rack.
Lily student
It really annoys me. I can get used to being the numerical size I am, but I hate being’large’ or ‘extra large.’
Parfait
Why?
snowy
I have similar trousers from Calvin Klein, and was wondering how yall style them? I know this should be obvious but I always feel so frumpy even in these trousers with a great cut. I’m curvy, so a button-down doesn’t really suit me. Ditto with a tucked-in shirt of most varieties. A blazer with these sorts of trousers looks like I got confused about how a suit works unless it’s a totally different end of the color spectrum. Anything untucked looks frumpy and weird.
What am I doing wrong?
Curly Sue
I’m wearing these pants today in navy pinstripe. I went with a navy and green silk sleeveless blouse (untucked, because I hate tucking) and a linen open front blazer in ecru/beige. I think the key to blazers and trousers is obvious mismatch in color and texture, so everyone knows you didn’t mistakenly grab the wrong jacket for your suit.
Senior Attorney
TJ: I put an offer on a house last night! Gah!! Super excited but also super nervous about whether it will be accepted. Fingers crossed…
Woods-comma-Elle
Yay! Keeping everything crossed for ya!
Marilla
Good luck!!!!!! We recently bought a house (after almost a year of searching in an incredibly hot market) and are SO excited. The time when you’re sitting on tenterhooks waiting to hear back, and all the back-and-forth with the agents, is so suspenseful though. I hope you hear back soon and get to start planning your new bad-ass bachelorette house!!
Senior Attorney
Congratulations, Marilla!! This whole “hot market” thing is so tough when you’re a buyer, isn’t it? Last time I bought was in a total buyer’s market and I must say I liked that a whole lot better!
I’ve been planning my badass house for the past year — I just need the, you know, actual house!! LOL
Marilla
It really is — FOOEY on these crazy real estate markets! We ended up finding a place in a different neighbourhood, since ours is pretty much a very few very small very old semi-detached houses that go for well over asking after a bidding war. Now we’ll have a tiny little 1 1/2-storey dollhouse, but detached, with a big yard, and no work needed. I hope you get your house!
CKB
Good luck. We also recently bought a house (almost 3 weeks ago now) in a very hot market (our offer was accepted less than 24 hours after the house was listed, and 3 more offers came in after ours, one was for a little more than our offer, too). I hope it all works out for you!! All the texts, phone calls, etc. going back & forth while we waited to hear if the offer was accepted were so nerve wracking. I’m glad we don’t have to do it again!
Echo
I have these *exact* pants. I bought them when I was 19. I am now 27 and wear them usually at least once a week to work. That said, they were made over eight years ago; Gap may have changed the production quality.
I love these pants.
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