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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Sometimes you just need a perfect white blouse, am I right? This shirred neckline brings something special to this drapey, crewneck top from Boss, which looks like it would quickly become a wardrobe workhorse.
I would keep this top at the ready to be worn with a colored blazer and neutral pants for an easy, but sophisticated business casual look.
The top is $228 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 0–18.
A couple of more affordable options are from Nordstrom ($59, XXS–XXL) and Eloquii ($54.95; 14–28).
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
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- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
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- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Anon
I stood for 20 minutes in block heeled pumps yesterday and my feet were sore last night. I think it is time for some loafers for work. What kind of sole? I think my feet would prefer a lug sole or at least rubber (like a Sam Hubbard type sole). But that may be too casual (and hard to resole). What are you all actually wearing and loving? Links welcome. I have triangular duck feet with a high arch. Budget is flexible (like sub $300). I had Ferragamo loafers about 15 years ago and found them a bit too narrow and I did not like so much obvious branding.
Aunt Jamesina
They’re below your price point so maybe not as luxe, but I have Vagabond Shoemakers loafers in the Frances style and they’re quite comfortable, yet polished enough for work. I have high arches and a slightly wide foot and they fit nicely.
For anyone in the market for casual loafers, the Frances loafers from Madewell are so, so comfortable! And I just noticed I have two pairs of loafers named Frances in my shoe closet…
Aunt Jamesina
… and it looks like the shoe I recommended is out of stock in nearly every size online. Sorry I didn’t check beforehand.
Anonymous
+1 on Vagabond for narrow heels, wider front and higher arches. You might do well with Scandinavian brands on the whole (Vagabond is Swedish). You could look at Billie Bi (Danish).
The more luxe brands are generally Southern European, and Southern European shoes are generally narrower.
You might also do well with Clarks, can recommend the Hamble Loafer from Clarks.
Cat
I think you will have better luck looking for shoes that can accommodate your insole of choice, as opposed to looking for a style with a rubber sole that’s not too casual or trendy.
AIMS
I have been listing after these for a while though haven’t pulled the trigger because I can’t decide which color is better: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/paul-green-lil-flat-women/6691833?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=005
nyc
Paul Green quality is so good!
Anon
I was about to recommend Paul Green. I have wide feet, high instep, high arches, and PG is my go to. I bought a pair of PG modern penny loafers last year, lug sole and a small block heel, and these have been wardrobe work horses.
Anonymous
Same here. Tall wide feet and Paul green shoes have worked for me and hold up really well to being re-soled and reconditioned.
Anonymous
Ugh, I have narrow feet and just ordered some Paul Greens. I wonder whether I should cancel.
Anonymous
I have narrow heels if it helps
Anon
Boden has cute loafers
Anonymous
Vionic Loafers with the fancy insoles.
Anonymous
Kate Spade and Jack Rogers have comfy loafers. I don’t find Paul Green to fit my duck feet. Skip the lug soles.
anon
Same type of feet, and I really like my Sperry loafers. The suedes look more casual, but I believe there are some regular leather versions.
Shoe Gal
Stuart Weitzman has a great pair of black loafers. They are a little above your budget but if you wait for a 25% off sale they are close. Very comfortable and stylish.
Anon
Tods. They’ll last a lifetime. Mine are 10y old, still look almost new.
anon
[Reposting from this weekend.]
In-house attorney here, and I believe there are a few BigLaw attorneys & in-house counsel in this community.
As a passion project/hobby, I write a very tiny email newsletter on career stuffs – namely, the importance of mental health in BigLaw & throughout one’s legal career and thoughts on finding an in-house job. (How tiny? Well, 2 people read it: me & a former biglaw colleague who wants to go in-house, lol.)
In any event, if anyone might be interested in reading it, please email me at dearbiglawassociate at proton dot me
Anonymous
Hello Hive, I have a fashion question for NYC that I think y’all can help out with.
Going to the Modern at MoMa for a late lunch reservation with my sister next Thursday. We’ll be coming from the Met Cloisters. What do we wear? Is there a set dress code at the Modern? Can we bring a tote bag to the Cloisters with an extra set of fancier clothing to change into before lunch? Because I for one will be wearing casual clothes and birks to the Cloisters since my feet need the support. Sister has said I can’t wear birks to the Modern, but she’s in her mid-20s, I’m ten years older starting to get feet problems.
I am willing to change into a dress and heels for lunch only, if there’s somewhere we can do that. Also projected temps will be in the 90s… No time to return to our hotel in Brooklyn in between.
TIA!
Ribena
Can you go for the ‘European’ look of a long flowy dress and good sneakers/ comfortable sandals? If need be you could carry good shoes to change into.
Cat
+1, I have not been to the Modern specifically but this is exactly what I would wear.
AIMS
What kind of birks? I have a silver pair that I wear everywhere in NYC, including nice restaurants. I probably wouldn’t do a super utilitarian worn brown pair though. I think you’d fine in a nice shirt dress and “fun birks”, esp. if you just take some care with your hair and makeup, etc. No one really dresses up for most restaurants unless it’s a strictly business lunch kind of place and even then. But there is a way to be comfy and still elevated, if that makes sense?
Anon
+1 to elevated birks, I also like the big buckle line and think it would be in trend and fine.
startup lawyer
I used to go to the Modern often. IDK about birks but I used to wear vans and a nice dress no problem. I don’t think you need to bring fancy change of clothes
NYCer
Pre-covid, the Modern was definitely a business lunch spot, and I would say most people would be dressed in business casual or business attire as they were coming from the office. I have not been recently, but I am guessing there is a wider range of clothes. I would probably wear a floral print sundress and nicer sandals, though truth be told, you could probably just wear the birks. Can you throw an extra pair of shoes in your bag?
Anonymous
The Met Cloisters is not air conditioned for the most part, so dress for heat. I would a nice-ish sleeveless top and skirt or a short-sleeved dress with birks to the Met, then bring a cardigan to wear at the restaurant (because I am always cold in A/C and never travel the city without one in the summer) and maybe flats or nice sandals to change into. I cannot imagine anywhere in midtown that requires heels at lunch at this point in the pandemic or the summer. You are not wanting to be carrying a ton of stuff around the city all day, although the Cloisters and MoMa both have bag checks.
Anonymous
Honestly you can be casual but birks aren’t it. I’d do plain white sneakers before those.
anon
I think the Birks thing is highly person/region dependent. I would consider a well maintained pair of Birks (especially the Gizeh or Madrid variety) to be perfectly appropriate (when paired with a cute dress, trendy pants, whatever) for anything short of cocktail attire-required locations. White sneakers/vans would be step down in formality IMO.
Anonymous
Ugh not in NYC
Anon
To Anon at 1:43pm-not everyone can pull off the dress + white sneakers look and would look a ton more put together with silver Birks and a black dress. I’m very short and 40 and would look ridiculous in a ruffle puff dress with sneakers. I don’t think all Birk outfits are necessarily Vermont crunchy vibes.
Anon
Agree – I feel the opposite of 10:58
Anonymous
OP here – thanks everyone! My light pink birks are on the nicer side of birks but I think I should just bring another pair of fancy sandals for lunch. The Met Cloisters’ bag limit policy is hard to find but I can give up comfort for a couple hours so my lil gen-z sister won’t die of embarrassment to be seen with me in public lol (i say this with lots of love, don’t worry)
Anon
Maybe if you wear a nice flowy dress or loose linen outfit with jewelry, you can get away with Birks
anonchicago
We stayed at an Airbnb for the 4th of July weekend and I got a bad rating, so I’m wondering now if I’ve been a jerk to people this whole time.
The Airbnb was a walkout basement attached to the owner’s house at a lakefront destination. First, there was an issue with the departure time and I own that – I was out and DH said he’d pack up the Airbnb and be out by 11 and he wasn’t. The other issue in my review was that we let our dog use the restroom in their yard. The feedback was that the dog was only allowed to go directly in front of the basement door (not specified in the listing) and nowhere else in the yard. Supposedly their dogs could get diseases by walking through our dog’s urine? We always picked up his poop and threw it away.
I walk my dog in our neighborhood daily and that got me thinking about the review. He often pees in other people’s yards, because really where else would he go on a walk? Occasionally the dog poops in someone’s yard though I try to keep him moving and avoid this, mainly because it’s awkward for me if the owner comes out. I always always pick up his poop and carry it back to our own garbage can.
To quote Reddit, AITA here?
Cat
I don’t have a yard, but speaking from a city resident – dog urine kills the flowers that people plant in their tree wells, so it is considered super rude to allow your pet to pee there.
We all understand poop, so long as you pick it up and dispose of it elsewhere.
Anon
Where else should urban dogs pee though? Many will only go when there’s some grass or greenery.
AIMS
I think there is a difference between going onto someone’s lawn or a flower bed and a dog going on some dirt or grass. Also, this is something people can address early. My urban dog pees on hydrants and poles. Another was pickier but would happily go on any dirt so I would take him to a big patch around the corner.
Cat
public parks, dog parks, tree wells that don’t have flowers in them…
Anonymous
+1 it’s considered rude to let dogs pee on private property. There’s city property and parks where they can do that and kill those plants. I’m gonna just fence in my entire front yard though since a few bad owners ruin it for everyone.
Anon
How do you transport your dog from your apartment to the public park without them peeing though? I understand not letting your dog go on flowers or other landscaped areas, but you can’t take a dog on a several block walk to a city park and not have them pee in route. Do you think dog owners should be carrying their dogs in their arms from their apartment to the park?
Anonymous
The city property strip of land between the sidewalk and road. I live in a major urban city, this strip exists infront of the brownstones, walk ups, and bigger buildings. Usually the strip is just very sad grass with a few trees, perfect for dogs.
Anon
+1
If a dog is asking to go out you can’t really make it wait til you get to the park. And if you did, that’s be cruel
Anon
Ok, that makes more sense. In my suburban area that strip of grass is private property, so I thought you were saying dogs can’t go there either.
Amy
They are correct that urine from dogs infected with certain viruses or diseases can infect other dogs, however unlikely. Whether it’s reasonable to rent an AirBNB to a dog owner and expect them to confine the dog’s bathroom use to a certain area of the yard is another matter, but if that was their condition up front, and you violated it, then you’re in the wrong.
Amy
Edit to add: to your actual question about pee in the neighborhood, no, I don’t think you should restrain your dog from peeing in public because of the disease-transmission issue. Those are public spaces that each dog owner takes the risk of exposing their dog to other dog’s diseases. However, other posters are right that it’s a best practice not to let your dog use the restroom on other people’s private property. There’s a reason “curb your dog” is a saying – the space between the sidewalk and the curb is generally public property and fair game for bathroom use. Or public parks/corners/yards of businesses.
Anon
I’m in the UK so maybe I’m imagining a different “yard” set up, but yes I’d be super annoyed if someone was letting their dog foul my front garden. Surely that’s what parks or the sidewalk are for?
Anonymous
+ 1, don’t let your dog pee on my lawn. Use the curb.
Anon
It’s really hard to control where a dog uses the bathroom…
I always thought it was 100% acceptable for dogs to pee/poop in other peoples yards (as long as you pick up the poop, obviously).
Anon
It’s not hard if you don’t let you dog on to private property, just as you should not let your kids on private property
Amy
+1. It’s not that you control where the dog PEES, it’s that you control where the dog IS.
Anonymous
+ 1,000
Anon
It’s hilarious to me how many people here are willfully not understanding this very obvious point.
Anon
I don’t like it when people do that. Not enough to make an issue of it, but it gets on my nerves. I let my little kids walk around in the grass, and I don’t want random dog poop in it (even when picked up, it’s not 100%). However, most people use the strip of grass between the sidewalk and the curb, and that’s no big deal.
Anonymous
Yeah, this is baffling to me, perhaps because I live in a suburban neighborhood where everyone walks their dogs on a 6+ foot leash on the sidewalk, so the dog has access to a few feet of grass on either side. Totally normal for dogs to pee and poop on lawns. As long as you bag and take away the poop, this is a total non-issue.
Anon
Yup this is my experience too and I think it’s fine
Telco Lady JD
Same.
Curious
Same here from childhood, and it’s no problem to me as an adult though I’m in an urban setting now.
Anon
I would be very annoyed if you let your dog pee in my yard. They should be doing that either in a public park or in the space between the sidewalk and the street, in other words in a public space, not on private property. It’s the same way I expect parents to not let their kids run around my yard
Anon
Not every neighborhood has that space between the sidewalk and the street, and not every neighborhood has a park (or the park is a few blocks away and the dog has to pee before the park).
I’d rather a dog pee on my yard where it’ll be absented than on the sidewalk where it will sit until it dries where people walk, kids scooter, etc
Vicky Austin
Same. And I’ve walked a dog or jogged in many neighborhoods where people who care have little signs or other indications to please not let your dog poop in that yard at all, and I always hurry my dog past them if he’s starting to look antsy. Otherwise, I clean up after him thoroughly.
Anon
And if that grass between the sidewalk and the street didn’t exist in my neighborhood, maybe I would agree with you. But it does, so I think it’s very rude to let your dog on to my private property instead of using the curb
Anon
Honestly I’m also okay with kids running on my front yard. Let them play!
Anon
My dog has been neutered but still marks every thing we pass… I can try to curb him but it’s hard to overrule nature
Amy
Well if something is hard to do, by all means don’t worry about it.
Anon
This is such a weird issue to me. I have a front porch that I spend hours on (eat all my meals there, wfh there), and probably 50 dogs walk past my house on any given day and plenty of them pee / poop on the edge of my yard. The only time I’d complain to an owner would be if poop wasn’t picked up, but that’s almost never an issue. Grass is grass, that’s where I’d expect a dog to pee
Anon
+1 – I’m also in a city so people aren’t precious about their yards.
Anon
Agree – this is very strange to me. Dogs pee on grass. Squirrels, rabbits and birds also pee/poop on grass. The world keeps spinning. The idea that you would walk your dog to the nearest public park before letting them go to the bathroom is…something else.
Anon
I found a dead bunny in my front yard (where my kid has played many times) today. I think a hawk got it. Dog pee is nothing.
Anon
+2
Trish
You probably have lower blood pressure and a happy life because you aren’t so uptight! I would love to see dogs all day from the porch.
Anon
I’d rather have a dog pee on the edge of my yard (right next to the curb, we’re not playing there. No sidewalks in my neighborhood so just yard then curb) than in the park where my kids are running around and playing.
Anon
I get annoyed when dogs pee in my garden area but just the grass is fine.
Anon
+1
Flowers no, grass absolutely fine
Anonymous
People love to get worked up about this, but no you are not. And that person shouldn’t claim to be dog friendly in their AirBnB listing.
Anon
+1 didn’t realize there were such strong feelings on this…But, this is the first time I’m hearing of people thinking it’s rude to let your dog pee in someone’s yard.
Anon
And it’s amazing to me that some people think it’s not rude to let your dog pee on someone else’s yard
PolyD
Right? This whole discussion is making me dislike Dog Culture even more – real tired of being expected to be charmed by your dog wherever you take it (dogs do not belong in stores other than pet stores, do not belong in libraries, and do not belong inside restaurants, I don’t care what the French do). And now we’re expected to be charmed by dogs peeing on the front lawn (not the parkway, the area between the sidewalk and street, that is kind of gross, but acceptable).
Not everyone likes dogs, and this doesn’t make us monsters.
Anon
Dog lover, former dog owner here and I 100% agree dogs don’t belong in 95% of indoor public places (stores, restaurants, etc). I don’t expect anyone to be “charmed” where dogs do their business but I expect people to be reasonable and understand that dogs are animals and animals do their business outside, which May unavoidably include someone’s yard.
If never lived somewhere with this magical strip of grass between sidewalk and street. In my current urban environment sidewalks go straight to the street,so the options are edge of yard or the sidewalk itself (dusgusting). In my old suburban neighborhood there were no sidewalks so the option was the edge of someone’s yard or the street (dangerous).
Anon
If the area for dog peeing was not specifically mentioned in the Airbnb house rules, I don’t think you are the A-hole. I am very keen on followIng Airbnb house rules, but if I don’t know about the rule, I can’t follow it! In a pet friendly, Airbnb, I would assume the yard is available for my dog and that I would pick up after him as I would at home, absent other instructions.
At home, I keep my dogs to the area between sidewalk and street, but this is different to me. Airbnbs are literally homes away from home and as a guest, I assume I may treat it as such absent rules and instructions to the contrary!
anon
+1. I don’t think this AirBNB owner is very reasonable, especially without an express rule. At a “dog friendly” AirBNB, I would expect my dog to be able to pee in the yard owned by the AirBNB host. At a normal, roadside-type hotel, I’d let my dog pee on any available grass (but not flowerbeds) owned by the hotel unless there was a designated area for animals.
If I invited a friend or family member over to my house and said they could bring their dog, I’d expect their dog to pee in my yard.
Etiquette on a walk is a different question. I don’t own a dog, but this is the first time I’ve heard such strong feelings about dogs not peeing on someone’s grass.
Anon
I was taught (suburban Midwest, if it matters) that it’s fine to let dogs use the part of the yard near the sidewalk, as long as you pick up poop and avoid flower beds. I wouldn’t let my dog go way up into someone’s yard near their porch, but the grass near the sidewalk is fair game. But I was flamed for saying that here once before, so apparently a lot of people disagree!
Anon
+1
In Philly burbs and always thought it was fine to ley dogs into someone’s yard near the curb (a few feet into someone’s yard), but I’d never let my dog go far into their yard, in a flower bed, or near their door/porch/patio
Anon
This is what I was taught too
Anon
I can assure you I’ve never once thought either way about someone else’s dog peeing on my yard, but I don’t like it when dogs pee on the sidewalk.
Anon
That’s what I don’t understand. In an urban area, where you have a long walk to a city park, the alternative to your dog peeing on a grassy area is your dog peeing on the sidewalk and how is that not grosser? People don’t want to have to step around puddles of dog pee.
Anon8
The replies to this are absolutely shocking to me. If dogs aren’t allowed to pee on private property, where exactly are they supposed to go!? I can’t imagine getting upset at a dog owner for their dog peeing on the edge of my yard. Also, IMO your Airbnb owner is way too uptight to host people with dogs if they’re going to try and dictate they can only pee right outside the door.
Anon
+1. So many of these replies feel SO uptight to me!
Anon
They are allowed to pee on private property, but that should be the private property of the dog owner, not of others. I love dogs, and own dogs, but my decision to have a dog does not entitle me to allow my dogs on the private property of another person.
Anon
Many people don’t have their own private property for dogs to pee on. Some dogs (mine) pee like 3 times on a walk.
But, I also let neighborhood kids play in my yard (even though I don’t have similar aged kids). I tell my neighbors to come pick vegetables from my garden, even if I’m not home. So, I’m way way way more relaxed with the idea of my yard and my private property than others here, apparently. I never thought of being like this as being very relaxed, just more of being neighborly.
Anon
I live in an apartment building. Pray tell where my dog should pee if they’re only supposed to pee on my private property, which I don’t have. Give me a break
Anonymous
Your dog can pee on the sidewalk, on the curb, in grassy areas between the sidewalk and curb, in public parks..
Anon
Ewww Anon at 12:06, it’s so much grosser for a dog to pee on the sidewalk! Then everyone has to walk around puddles of dog pee and people who aren’t paying close attention will step in it. In grass it gets absorbed into the ground immediately and no one has to step in it!
nyc
+1. Genuinely, can we bring back the concept of curbing your dog? Dogs are trainable!
Anonymous
+1. Genuinely, can we bring back the concept of curbing your dog? Dogs are trainable!
Anonymous
My male dog marks all the time (yes he is neutered) as do all the other dogs in my neighborhood. I find it so strange that people are upset about a dog peeing on their lawn. Do you also shoo away all the birds, squirrels, etc.? (Kidding, but not really)
Anon
Lol, this!
BeenThatGuy
The amount of rabbit and deer poop that need be cleaned up in my yard is shocking!
Trish
So, when I walk my dog, he pees in my yard. And then again, about every 4-5 houses down. I keep him to the swale of grass between the sidewalk and stree the best I can. But some people really just need to move to an island where there are no other biological beings that might bother them. Why so precious about your grass that is killing the environment anyway? Let people live unless you are finding piles of poop in your yard.
Anon
Yeah I feel like this site gets very spun up about things that generally… don’t matter. And that this board trends more uptight than laissez faire in general.
Anon
It’s not just this site! We got screamed at by neighbors for letting our dog pee on a grassy part of their lawn less than 3 feet from from the sidewalk. I would say 90% of people in our neighborhood think it’s ok though. We’ve seen plenty of dogs pee and poop on our lawn. It only annoys me if poop isn’t picked up (yes this happens!) or if they let dogs go in our garden area.
Anon
+1 this is all so crazy to me. I have never once thought anything of a dog peeing in our front yard or of our dog doing the same in others. Our suburb doesn’t have sidewalks so there isn’t really another option.
Anonymous
Where are your public spaces? I’m finding it very odd that there should be so many yards and lawns and so little public, common spaces to walk. Can’t help but think that the lack of community space is the problem here.
Anon
I mean, my suburban area has public parks every few blocks but my dog still pees 5 times between my house and the park. I don’t think lack of community space is the problem. Obviously not every person can live next door to a park and most dogs are going to pee pretty much as soon as they get outside.
Anonymous
Yes, I get that, but aren’t there anywhere on common roads? Where I live the municipality vs. privately owned spaces are highly weighted in municipality favor, and if your dog couldn’t wait for public space where I live it would be a dog with a serious incontinence problem. If the dog is healthy and can’t handle 30 feet before the first pee, the owner has a serious problem.
Anonymous
It’s pretty normal for the owner to specify in property instructions where the dog should go (a lot want backyard not front so they don’t get patchy grass) and that any poop be picked up.My dog is going through chemo so he shouldn’t be around other dogs (his pee and poop is dangerous to other dogs and he is more prone to infection from them, so we’re not walking the neighborhood anymore.) The rule may have more to do with their dog than yours.Regardless, it’s rude to have your dog on someone’s lawn (along the sidewalk or street front is different) and extra if there were instructions somewhere stating not to. The late leave without permission alone is reason to ding as it can screw up cleaning and leave the owner more vulnerable to bad ratings if the property isn’t ready for the next person, especially if it’s a popular time of year.
Anon
So as a city dweller I hate when dogs pee on the sidewalk. It’s not absorbed so it’s just a puddle running down the sidewalk where I’m trying to walk. It also makes things smell like urine even more than it already does in the city.
I also don’t love dogs peeing in parks where people are having picnics and kids are running around and playing.
Small patches of grass, areas surrounding street trees, the road verge (if your neighborhood has it) are ideal places for dogs to pee. That being said, dogs are their own creatures and sometimes they gotta do their business wherever they can.
In the suburbs, I think the road verge or the edge of someone’s yard (not flower bed, not far into the yard, not near the front door/porch) is totally fine.
Anonymous
I think that the departure time mess up will have colored how the host viewed your other behaviors and scored you, the departure time may have been a big deal for them. For the yard, it might have been so obvious to the host what part of the yard you rented that they didn’t even imagine you’d let the dog roam, but yes they should have let you know.
In your own neighborhood, the comments here probably reflect the views of your neighbors. Some think like you, and some are seething with frustration. Dog poo can have parasites, too, and is not safe for either other dogs – or humans – so it’s not great to make that somebody else’s problem.
Where I live gardens in cities are fenced, often with flowering bushes or similar by the fences, and it’s not done to let your dog mess up somebody’s garden. If somebody did that in inner city gardens without fences, they would be a very unpopular neighbor, literally pissing on somebody’s precious outdoor space.
Anon
People are so worried about where dogs do their business, but has nobody given a thought to the fact that random animals (squirrels, rabbits, foxes, skunks, deer, and where I live — coyotes and bears) just walk through your yard and do their business there, too? Nobody’s stopping them or confining their business to the grassy area by the curb.
Think about that the next time you send your kids out to play or want to walk around barefoot in the grass.
Anon
This thread has strong “kids get off my lawn” energy…
Anon
Also a very strong sense of entitlement from dog owners!
anon
I’ve come to expect it.
Anonymous
I don’t care about dogs peeing on the edge of my yard along the sidewalk, but I’m annoyed that people are letting their dogs pee on the house number sign; it’s on a little post that sticks out of the ground and yes it’s kind of close to the sidewalk. I have to touch that! It’s often displaced by the wind or snow and I have to grab it and reposition it. It’s not like a mailbox post that no one is ever going to touch. (I had to put the house number close to the sidewalk during the pandemic because delivery drivers inexplicably but universally cannot seem to find the house number on my actual house and they deliver stuff to the wrong house.)
Anonymous
I’m in a Northeastern city, with a tiny front yard out of wood chips. Dogs pee in it all the time. This doesn’t bother me. I wouldn’t let my dog wander right into the middle of someone’s front lawn, but her leash is 6 ft. If she wanders onto the yard right by the sidewalk, I wouldn’t think twice. I don’t let her pee on flowers because flowers, but grass/wood chips are totally fair game IMO.
Anon
It is infinitely grosser for a dog to pee on a public sidewalk (where it just puddles and stays) that everyone is trying to walk on than on the edge of someone’s yard. The entitlement of my lawn must remain pristine so everyone should have to dodge sidewalk pee puddles astounds me
Anon
Yes, exactly!! It’s crazy. You want to keep your lawn pristine at the expense of everyone who has to walk on the sidewalk.
Anon
I don’t like dogs, or any pets, for that matter but I’d much rather them pee on my lawn (on the grass) than on the sidewalk where I’d have to dodge pee puddles when out for a walk.
Seventh Sister
If they didn’t specify where your dog could pee, that’s on them. While I use Airbnb often enough, this is exactly the kind of thing I dislike about Airbnb – you never really know what the people are going to be like until it’s all over.
As a person with a yard but no dogs, I don’t care if they use the median strip (it’s mostly desert plants) as long as the poop gets picked up. Our front yard has a fence right at the sidewalk, which sort of gently discourages bigger dogs (‘ve seen plenty of smaller ones just go under the lowest rail and squat). We have so many walked dogs in our neighborhood that my daughter’s second word was “dog.” I like dogs and most dog owners/walkers are friendly and pleasant for LA.
Seventh Sister
We have possums, skunks, squirrels, cats, the occasional rodent, and the odd coyote walk through our yard, and I assume they all pee in it, so I’m not going to get worked up about a dog.
Anon
I would be furious if your dog peed in my yard. I wouldn’t bring my kids to pee in yours, why should your dog go in mine?
Anonymous
What? Dogs are animals, not humans. Social norms and conventions differ between the two. But of course, you know this.
Anon
This. Also do people not realize that bunnies, squirrels, birds, etc. all pee and poop too? It’s not like dogs are the only animals that are using your yard as a bathroom.
Anonymous
Bunnies (where are you all living to have wild bunnies????), squirrels, birds, they all poop. Agreed, must be accepted as part of wild life.
But squirrels and birds (leaving those weird bunnies alone) are NOT PETS. Dogs are PETS. They are voluntarily. YOU are adding them to the environment and to other peoples living environment. You are GUEST adding them to somebody else’s life without their consent.
Please, gimme the bunnies, that’s a much better deal.
Anon
This top is so pretty but the Canadian Nordstrom site has a tiny fraction of what is available in the US. :(
Anon
I’m living on my own for the first time and am hoping to use Prime day and other sales to get my apartment needs filled.
My current roommate lived alone before we got our place so she had everything; I literally just have my bedroom furniture and personal belongings. I’ve already scrounged up most of my furniture (couch, dining table/chairs, tv and tv stand) and some kitchen stuff (air fryer, instant pot, coffee maker) but what are some things that you consider a must have in your apartment that are less obvious?
Go for it
Oven mitts
Nonstick fry pan
A few wooden spoons
Kitchen towels
Kitchen dishcloth
Dish rack
Toilet bowl brush
General purpose scissors
AIMS
I highly recommend buying kitchen towels and toilet brushes at IKEA. The toilet brushes are like $3 and you can throw them away frequently since they get gross quickly. FYI – they will ship marketplace items now.
anonshmanon
Toaster and water kettle are foundational for me. Ladle, potato masher, citrus juicer, grater, kitchen scale, if you cook regularly.
Cat
Set of sturdy storage containers (a la Tupperware)
OXO makes the best cooking utensils – spoons, tongs, strainers, etc
Cleaning supplies – stick vacuum?
Any windows that need a privacy screen?
Super long phone chargers
Senior Attorney
+1 to OXO
I particularly love their small handheld whisk broom and dustpan.
Amy
Honestly, fight the clutter monster by just buying things as you find you need them. The first time it comes up that, “oh, I’d love a tea kettle/colander/cheese grater right now,” order one. “Must-haves” for other people won’t necessarily be for you, and you’ll end up posting in 5 years, “I’m moving and have so much junk I never use! How do I declutter?”
Anon
This. I try to only buy things after multiple times that I find myself needing that item. I’ve learned my lesson after way too many moves with too much stuff.
Anon
Agree on that, but I almost moved without buying a vacuum which is obviously a must have. Ditto a microwave. Trying to think of the real must haves.
Anon
Yup, this.
Anon
This makes sense, but get cleaning supplies before you move so you can clean on move in day
Ribena
Joseph Joseph pasta scoop and Egg Perfect boiled egg timer. I use both constantly. Also more phone charging cables than you think you need, with at least one 10ft one.
AIMS
Joseph Joseph everything! Their dish rack, nesting Tupperware, and mixing bowls are all great.
Ribena
I also just got their handheld mandolin and it’s excellent! I love making summer slaws but shredding the red cabbage was enough to make me not bother before.
Anon
Cheese grater
Serving spoons
When I was single, I loved having a comfy chair (loveseat or a big squishy one person chair) in my bedroom.
Anon
One day I’ll be able to afford an apartment with a bedroom big enough for a chair. I really, really miss having one in there!
Anon
If I could have just one kitchen appliance, it would be a toaster oven. After that, I also love my mini food processor and pyrex storage containers, mixing bowls, and baking pans. Other kitchen stuff I use a ton because I love to bake: a scale, multiple sets of measuring spoons (but almost never measuring cups, because I use the scale instead), mixing spoons and flexible spatulas for scraping bowls and jars, and lots of dish rags for wiping up spills and keeping my hands clean.
Anonymous
Kitchen:
If you are cooking, a good starter kit is a chef’s style knife and a cutting board, a saucepan with a lid, a small frying pan (ovenproof is best) and a wooden spoon and a silicone spatula. If you have a cereal bowl already, use that, if not maybe get a mixing bowl. You can do almost anything with these items. Wait and see with all the rest. (I also consider an electric kettle an essential, but I’m a tea drinking European. Oh, and a bottle opener/corkscrew.).
If you wanted to splurge on something for the kitchen, I’d get a set of Pyrex glass containers with lids, the kind that are oven proof, micro wave proof and can be put in the freezer. Very useful for leftovers and lunches. An immersion blender is also very useful, get one with a small blender attachment if you get one.
For cleaning: dish soap and toilet cleaner. Microfiber cloth for bathroom, microfiber cloth for kitchen, dish towels and sponge or brush. Toilet brush. Toilet paper. It’s nice to have a vacuum cleaner. I really like my dish drying mat. I think a clothes’ drying rack is a very useful thing to have for anything that should be hanged dry. (I like the ones that collapse flat.)
On the nice to have list: green plants! So in terms of sales, maybe get a couple of planter pots you really like. I occasionally splurge on cut flowers, but my favorite vases are all old, I would do Goodwill, not Prime.
Lily
Some kind of vacuum cleaner (cordless stick vac, for example) or at least a dust buster, if your place is small. I’d also get a sprayer mop that you can attach a cloth pad to (much less waste and cheaper than swiffer products).
Anon
OP here – thanks!
I realize I somehow almost forgot a vacuum?!
It’s fun to see what some people think are absolutely necessary (I’ve never once grated my own cheese! I use a regular spoon from my flatware set as a mixing spoon). But definitely got some good things for my list! Thank you
Anon
You do not need to use Prime Day as an excuse to buy a bunch of crap you have no idea if you’ll need or use.
OP
I know I’ll need a microwave, some basic kitchen supplies, and a vacuum at the minimum. I know I will need and use those things. I might as well buy them when they are on sale. Was figuring out if there are any other things that weren’t coming to mind (I was reminded I’ll need a spatula, measuring cups, and knives!)
Anonymous
Can you buy knives from Amazon? In the UK stores like John Lewis won’t send knives by delivery at all, since it’s illegal to sell knives to people under 18 years, you need ID on both purchase and delivery.
Anon
It’s not illegal to see knives to anyone in the US and has never even occurred to me that it is illegal in other places
Anon
Does anyone have the shark hairdryer? Would love to hear a review of the dryer and also the brush attachment
luluaj
I do. I have curly hair so haven’t used the brush attachment yet. I like it – lots of options for speed/heat and airflow. The dryer is lightweight and doesn’t blow my bathroom fuse like my old cheap one did. I paid $200 for it and think its worth it.
Amy
What do we all think of virtual “baby showers” that basically consist of filling out an online “card” and the “host” collecting funds electronically (via Venmo or the like) to create an electronic gift card for the recipient? No in person meeting In These Trying Times, but lately my experience has been that the host dispenses with even a perfunctory Zoom meeting, where we can all see and congratulate the new parent live and face-to-face.
To me, while the sentiment is nice (wanting to recognize a colleague), it’s not even a “baby shower” at that point. Maybe renaming it to “group gift” would be more accurate, but overall, I feel like we should just dispense with these things in a remote environment.
Ribena
I’d call it a ‘group gift’. We don’t really do baby showers here but we do do group gifts for big life events like babies and weddings.
Cat
I like them. I get to donate $20 rather than hunt down a registry gift, and don’t have to sit through the shower!
Anon
You don’t have to hunt down a registry gift though, that’s the whole point of a registry? It’s one click shopping
Cat
often an office-priced gift is below a free shipping minimum, or stuff is at awkward price points, so I prefer just giving cash, and this approach makes that super easy.
Anon
I don’t see where the OP mentions this being an office shower?
In my experience, for an office shower, everyone just chips in $ which is given to the recipient with a card and maybe someone brings in a cake or something. I think just giving $ like that is fine, but for a real shower I think this is very, very weird
Cat
she says “wanting to recognize a colleague”
Anon
In that case – registry for an office shower is super weird. I’m team group gift card for the office abc then if you have friends from the office, invite them to your real shower with friends and family
Anon
It’s always more work than that. Often all the gifts in a certain price range are already bought, and it’s necessary to hunt for smaller items to combine for an appropriate gift, or there just aren’t any options left at all.
Anon
Ah. I have ADHD so literally have to buy the gift the second I receive the invite. But, if you wait I could see how it could be more difficult
Anon
+1 this is totally fine. Unless OP feels like cake and other goodies are needed in return for the price of the gift, which I don’t.
Amy
OP here – definitely not cake and goodies, but to me a “shower” implies some sort of event or face-to-face interaction. And yes, maybe part of me thinks it’s nice to see the recipient say, “Thank you all so much for the gift, that was so nice!” Rather than sending $ off into the ether and never hearing anything else about it.
Cat
oh, if the recipient never says thank you, that’s rude! Typically at my office, they send an email to everyone who signed the card.
anon
I’d be thrilled to participate in one of these “showers” or group gifts. I’d expect the expectant mother to send at least a group thank you. I would probably reach out to the expectant mom individually and ask if she had time to FaceTime before the baby’s arrival, and maybe have ingredients for a mocktail or her favorite non-alcoholic beverage delivered to her house if a toast were important to me.
Waffles
Same! I would pay good money just to avoid a shower. Especially for a work colleague or acquaintance.
Anon
I think it’s weird. I was invited to 2 in person baby showers this year, both moms are very Covid cautious, first time moms who tried for years for their babies, one of whom was “geriatric” in her 40s.
The one baby shower was for a relative who lives on the opposite coast so I just ash a gift from the registry but held the shower outdoors with what looked to be a good showing.
The other shower was canceled as it was supposed to be indoors in peak omicron surge, so I arranged to see my friend (we went to a coffee shop) and give her a gift in person and hang out.
I think it’s fine to do one virtually but to ask for gifts (especially gift cards) without any sort of event feels grabby to me.
I generally dislike baby or bridal showers that are kitschy (games, themes, etc) but enjoy the opportunity to put on a cute dress, have a mimosa, and mingle with people.
Anon
OP mentioned colleagues which made me think this was a work shower question. I think this is fine for work. Not sure how I feel about this for friends, when part of the point is meeting up.
Amy
But isn’t part of the point for work colleagues meeting up as well? Isn’t that the point of these “celebrations” of life events? Not to just send money back and forth to each other, when we all make more than enough money to afford our own stuff?
Anon
I send gifts to weddings I’m not going to. I think the point is in this day and age, when people may be in the office but not regularly, trying to get everyone,or most people, physically together is a trying task. Does this mean life milestones shouldn’t be recognized? Different workplaces will decide this question differently.
Anon
In my office, we’re in 3 days a week and there’s definitely a tacit understanding that if there’s an office celebration to come in that day.
Aunt Jamesina
I prefer doing this for the workplace (although I agree that I would frame it as a group gift, not a shower).
I was isolating as much as possible before I went into labor to avoid potential Covid exposure, and some colleagues organized a surprise in-person shower for me… where I had to inform them that I wasn’t eating around other people (they had ordered a cake and set out snacks and drinks). So it was us, standing in a room chatting for a few minutes. No gifts to open since my workplace does a group gift card. A very nice gesture, but kinda awkward!
Anon
I think you give the mom some grace. It’s hard to know what to do right now and Mid-Pandemic Baby Shower isn’t exactly covered in Emily Post.
I’ve been reading a lot about BA-5 and I’m in the Bay Area where wastewater is showing the current wave is as big as the original omicron, and completely dwarfs Delta. It’s a good time to be cautious.
Hair help
I desperately need a recommendation for a hair stylist in the DMV area. I’m looking for someone who is highly skilled at doing long, layered cuts on wavy hair, and willing to spend any amount of money. I’ve suffered through years of wrong and botched haircuts (even from the stylists who get five stars on Yelp! even from stylists on top ten lists! even from stylists who charge $$$$$!) — and I’m just done. Why is this so hard? Greatly appreciate any advice.
Anon
I was desperately looking for a curly cut and a friend recommended Helen, the owner at Crystal Towers Hair & Nails. She was excellent. This probably works best if you’re in NOVA.
Anonymous
I have very fine hair and have seen a billion stylists. I have been going to Adil for over a decade, and he’s the best so far. He just opened his own salon near Yorktown HS in NoVA. Website is http://www.adilsalonspa.com/
Thick hair
I have always had super thick hair and keep it long. I’ve been seeing Angela at Mancini de Paris (901 South Barton Street, Arlington, VA 22204) for years even though it’s no longer that convenient of a location for me because she’s the best at getting my long layers and length exactly right. It was previously rare that I liked my haircuts in the first few days after cuts, but Angela gets mine right every time. Highly recommend!
Piper Dreamer
This is a dumb question but how do you commute with wide legged pants? I am loving how they look on me but I have a train commute to NYC on a daily basis that I prefer to do in sneakers/flats. I tried using safe pins but they often fall down mid commute/walking. I am thinking platform sneakers in white could be an option? What do you all recommend?
I don’t need that much height but want to avoid dragging my pants on NYC streets…
Thank you!!
AIMS
I think the easiest thing is to figure out what kind of shoes you want to wear with them and hem to that length.
Anon
The point is OP wants to wear heels at work and commute in flats. Many, many years ago this same s i t e featured clips to temporarily “hem” pants for commuting. Maybe something like this:
https://brazabra.com/store/clothing-care/hem-magic-clips-for-pants/
Anon
https://corporette.com/reader-mail-on-pant-lengths-and-shoes/
Aunt Jamesina
I feel like binder clips would serve the same function.
Anonymous
I used to use binder clips for this purpose when I was commuting in NYC. The little mini ones are great for this.
Anon
Cropped wide leg pants are currently in!
Cat
lol! This used to be such a common question in the early days here, before skinny and ankle pants took over. AIMS – I think the point is wanting comfy flat commute shoes, but actually wanting to wear the pants with heels at the destination :)
For really wide-legged, I use 2-3 safety pins per leg – heel and each side seam.
Anon
I was just thinking the same thing. As far as I’m concerned, this is the best thing about skinny pants. I’m short and even petites tend to be just a bit long on me, which works with skinny legs but is such a pain with wider legs.
Anon
Yes I remember it being asked like 1-2 times a week… and there was never a good answer lol.
AIMS
This was my point, lost as it was. I don’t know if it’s because I no longer associate being “professional” with heels (whether due to my age or greater confidence at work, for lack of a better term), but I just don’t bother with stuff like this. I feel like post pandemic, no one really bothers though. I also probably see more people on my commute, and before/after work, than at work where most people still distance and zoom, so I’d rather look intentional on my commute than have my pants badly hemmed by safety pins. Platform sneakers could work though! My own solution back when I cared was wedges.
Allie
Last fashion cycle this was an issue I decided to just hem to very very low heels and then wear commuting shoes with a similar height (like sneakers with a bit of a lift). If you hem to higher heels there’s just not a great commuting option.
Anonymous
Are you willing to look a little silly? Bicycle trouser clips or reflective snaps are made for this purpose.
Anon
What if you had a tailor add magnets or snaps to the inside hem of your pants and the interior seam? Then you could quickly snap them up/down for your commute without fussing with safety pins. I have a pair of adjustable inseam pants and they have a series of snaps on the inside seam.
Piper Dreamer
Thank you all! I am going to try binder clips at home and see if that solves my issues. Those pants are thick (ish) which is why I “think” safe pins don’t always work well.
I like cropped pants too and have way too many of these so want to keep these long still. If the binder clips don’t work, I will go to my tailor and see what they can do.
Thank you all! The 2009 thread was super helpful – we have now come a full circle on pants :)
Anom
I used to commute on the subway in clogs. The two inch heel was enough for trouser cut pants but super comfortable for my feet.
Anonymous
I also commute in clogs.
Anne-on
I am old enough that I have some of the MMLaFleur Foster pants which were (back in 2016ish?) marketed as having internal buttons on the seam so you could manually cuff them to a longer and a shorter length for commuting. Otherwise I echo the other posters that no, there is no good solution. Wide leg pants are even more of a PITA in rainy/snowy conditions which is also why I will never give up slim leg ankle pants for work and wear dresses/skirts with knee high boots in bad weather 90% of the time.
Don’t even get me started on how many times I accidentally caught a heel in the fabric of my pants walking down stairs at work and almost wiped out (yes, I am a klutz, but no, I was not the only woman I saw with this issue in my office).
Anonymous
Omg yes, now having flashbacks to nearly eating it when my heels got caught in my wide legged pants. I transitioned to wedges to avoid this!
Anon
I can’t believe this is happening again haha
Anonymous
The real question is how do you wear these pants to conferences where you want the option to change out of flats if your feet get tired. And this is why I lived in dresses and skirts when this style of pants was in fashion when I first started working. I’m so sad that thinner legged pants – they don’t have to be skinny! thin straight cut works too – seem to be going out of style. Sigh. Back to dresses I go.
Kat G
In the past we’ve always recommended either a) getting commuting shoes with height like Danskos, Eileen Fisher, or maybe nowadays the double height sneakers like Converse, or b) hemming for flats. There are some other products on the market for temporary hems but they don’t always work well, there are also some shoes with detachable heels that don’t always work well.
Anon
Have a friend who is going on a medication that could cause an… extremely urgent BM. Her job is not very flexible and she is in the office most of the week, and she’s obviously worried about this happening at work. I said maybe keep a change of clothes and wipes in a bag in your desk, but that doesn’t help with the embarrassment of this happening in the first place. Advice?
Anon
Depends?
Aunt Jamesina
Adult diaper or an overnight pad? That sounds really tough. I know that they make much more discreet options now, I saw a lot of people say they liked the Always underwear for postpartum period, perhaps those would work?
Anonymous
So urgent she really thinks she won’t make the walk to a bathroom?
Anon
Yeah, is the issue that she really has no control, in which case diapers are the obvious solution, or that her job prevents her from going? In the latter case, she needs to get some sort of job accommodation. Bowel function is an essential life activity and impairment would be protected under the ADA, so she should be able to get some reasonable modifications to accommodate this (though I recognize that it’s not always that simple).
Anonymous
Can we normalize not questioning disability? I have colon cancer. I was thankful every day following surgery that I could wfh while healing so I could make a quick dash. On some days, I definitely would not have managed in my downtime office with a maze of cubes and a security code.
I hope your friend doesn’t have to be on the medicine long.
Anon
I posted above about the ADA and I don’t think this is questioning disability, it’s trying to figure out what kind of solution is needed. Does she need an office right next to the bathroom so she can get there faster? Or does she need a modified meeting schedule or people to be okay with her leaving meetings as needed? Or does it not matter because she has no control at all and diapers or WFH would work best for a few weeks. Any if those would be reasonable accommodations, but what would work best depends on the nature of the impairment and of her job.
Anonymous
Replying to someone asking for advice on managing with “So urgent she really thinks she won’t make it?” is indeed questioning disability. Maybe this helps: Imagine someone were to ask about gloves for using a wheel chair and the immediate response is “does she really need a wheelchair.”
Peloton
@ 5:17. This is more like if OP said “my friend isn’t allowed to put weight on her leg” and someone responded “like, completely wheelchair bound? Or crutches / knee scooter OK?” The original post leaves room for interpretation, and clarification would be helpful.
We don’t have to tone police every post here.
Anonymous
It wasn’t questioning disability. If it’s so urgent she cannot make it to the bathroom she should ask for an accommodation to work from home.
nananon
Thank you for your comment! Yes, disabilities exist, let’s accommodate them without adding to the issue.
Anon
Adult diapers seem like the obvious solution.
Anon
Seems like adult diapers are the solution. I don’t know if Thinx or similar would contain a BM.
Anonymous
Agreed. At least for the first week until she gets a handle on how bad her side effects are. Then she can reevaluate.
anon!
I have IBS and will take Imodium if I have something for work that I can’t easily excuse myself from.
No Face
I had this issue for a bit after my gallbladder surgery. My specific office was really far from the bathroom and I almost didn’t make it. I requested to WFH for a couple of weeks.
Medication is probably longer term. If she is worried about *all* of it coming out, Depends Silhouettes are fantastic. I used them postpartum and they fit like undies. If she is worried about just some of it coming out, maybe normal pads or Thinx.
Anon
She needs to ask for a disability accommodation, whether that’s the workspace closest to the bathroom, or a temporary WFH situation while she’s talking the medication. Her doctor should be able to write a letter supporting this.
Anonymous
I am in hr at a large organization and we have absolutely granted accommodations of varying types for this specific issue- from a period of WFH to moving office closer to the bathroom to extra breaks (in an hourly employee situation) to X number of excuses tardies (treated as intermittent fmla leave) where the person sometimes had this come up while commuting and needed to change.
Curious
Can you remind me what types of sneakers are “cool” right now? I don’t think I can keep anything white, but I know Vejas are on the list. What else?
My Clark’s slip-ons have a nice big hole in them, so it’s time for a new pair of shoes.
Cat
What I see-
Tretorns
Adidas Stan Smith
There’s an inexpensive Sam Edelman pair in the NAS that’s the right ‘look’
Rothy’s came out with sneakers if the washability helps!
People that are cooler than me – more 80’s styles (Nike Air Force 1’s) that look like what I would have seen in Jazzercise or what I think of as ‘dad sneakers’
Anon
Golden Goose
Anon
I have the On Running shoe with the elastic lacing. They slip on easily. My daughter tells me they are on trend. I think they are Cloud 5 style?
Anokha
Honestly, how do people keep white sneakers looking so…. white?
Anonymous
I don’t know about white leather uppers, but for soles microfiber eraser sponges really do work.
I use something called Vileda Miraclean, but I don’t know if this brand is available in the US.
Senior Attorney
I toss mine in the washing machine and air dry.
Cat
The upper (leather) – dish soap and a damp washcloth
The soles (plastic) – magic eraser
No Face
I admire people who can wear white anything. I cannot.
Anon 2.0
Not sure if it’s made anymore, but I remember in the 90s my grandma used some sort of white leather” paint” to keep her Reebok princess sneaks looking spiffy.
Formerly Lilly
I remember some sort of white shoe polish in a plastic bottle and the top had a foam pad on it. I seem to remember using it on leather and maybe canvas too? Of course back then the canvas shoes were 100% cotton so that might make a difference.
And a quick look at Amazon says it still exists and there’s lots of choices.
Im glad you mentioned this. I think I will get some.
BeenThatGuy
My partner is a sneaker head and we use the MGK cleaner. If you’ve been to a mall in the last 10 years, you’ve seen the kiosks. It’s a liquid solution with a brush. It’s magical.
Anonymous
Someone here recommended P448 and I am obsessed.
Anonymous
I love my P448s. So comfy and they don’t fall off my narrow feet.
Anonymous
I found a half price Hill House Nap Dress and a Chloe crossbody bag (the one I’ve been eyeing for ages) for 30%+ off at TJ Max yesterday. Their runway area was new to me!
Anon
Bumble, Hinge, etc daters…what have men done to make you unmatch/block after you are initially interested? I’ve been on and off the apps for years and I’m so over it. The other day, I was messaging a guy I thought might be a good prospect…I definitely wanted to meet him in person. He gave me his phone number and we started texting and planned to set a date. He then asks me for some “full body pics.” I’m flustered, but I think okay…I guess I don’t have any on my profile and he is curious. I really don’t take “full body pics.” I don’t go out to social outings where I take pictures with people or of myself. I very rarely take a full body selfie. But I did happen to take a mirror one a few weeks ago while wearing a black dress, so I sent him that. It’s definitely not a s*xy pic, pretty bland and normal. He responds, “Cute. Maybe one more?” I was so irritated. Like does my body have to go through his screening process before he can meet me? I didn’t respond at first but the more I thought about it, the more mad I got and I unmatched on Hinge and blocked his number. I later wondered if I had been too harsh, because I am not succeeding in the dating world. Like in all these years, I have never chosen to go on a second date. So what say you? What have you blocked and unmatched otherwise “decent” guys for? I’m in DC if it matters.
Anon
I’ve never had a guy ask that. I would have unmatched and blocked immediately. I did have photos of me standing and sitting (full body I guess?) in my profile so it didn’t come up. I also didn’t exchange numbers until there was a first date that went well — but I last dated on the apps in 2019.
Anon
You have two different issues going on here. Boys (I hate to say “men”) who ask for full-body pics are being gross. If you are looking for something serious with a genuinely good person, don’t bother with men like this. While there are a lot of them, it’s because a lot of men don’t know how to behave properly and aren’t good potential partners.
The other issue is the second date issue. I don’t know you so I can’t help with that. It could be anything from “men in DC can be really weird, especially if they are younger,” to “you arrive dressed in a way that is a big turn-off or your breath stinks,” to “you’re really, really, really freakin smart and it scares them.”
Anon
Oh THEY have wanted to go on second dates. I am the one who has never wanted to go on a second date with anyone I have gone out with.
Anon
Men is dc are such children, looking for someone to take care of them. Sure, not all of them, but more than I’ve experienced in other areas. Knowing nothing about you and knowing how hard it is for a successful women to date in this area, my guess is that it’s not you
Anon
Then you’re just not into wasting time and haven’t found the right one yet. This is not a bad thing.
DC pandas
He was definitely asking for n*des.
I find that remaining on the app and meeting up ASAP tends to weed out matches that only want to s*xt.
Anonymous
Not harsh enough. Man whole man trash. Block on first request.
But also get a full length pic! Put it in your profile. Ask a friend to take one.
CHL
Ick.
anon
He’s a pervy little boy who was asking for nudes. Problem is that many women out there will provide them. Unfortunately, that’s what you’re likely to find online dating, and particularly in an area like Washington DC. It’s tough out there in the age of smart phones (I sympathize), but please do anything you can to meet a real man in person (work, gym, volunteering, church)
Cat
I think this guy in particular was being gross and clearly fishing around for n*des, but I also think it’s expected that you’ll have a pic that shows your whole body in your profile.
Anon
This. I would never have swiped right on a guy who didn’t have a picture of his full body when I was on the apps. I had a fairly close up photo of my face and several others where I’m alone and with friends. Looks matter in a dating context. That being said, men are still mostly trash.
Amy
He was being pretty weird, you definitely didn’t overreact. I think his initial ask was reasonable – maybe a bit blunt, but body type is relevant to attraction/dating, and the point of the online messaging is to gather enough information to determine whether you’d be interested in getting to know the person.
Anon
Agree you should have a full body pic on your profile, OP. But the guy asking for one in this manner, and then a second, as a condition of meeting you is just beyond rude. You dodged a bullet. Imagine what a boor this guy is in person if he thinks that behavior is ok.
Anonymous
Asking for additional pics is an orange flag. The only legitimate reason I can imagine is to figure out if you’re a catfish, in which case, offering to FaceTime before meeting in person should be a good solution for him – and also lets you screen him before a first date. If he continues to ask for pics then block him; he’s just collecting pictures to j*rk off to and, if he ever meets you, would be gross in person.
To answer your initial question, I blocked guys who tried to talk about s*x before even meeting. Even when I was looking for something casual, the way these men would talk made me really uncomfortable; it was like they thought they were ordering an escort not talking to someone who wanted a mutually satisfying time. They acted entitled to my time, attention, and physical stuff; demanding pics was usually the first sign. I don’t want to meet a guy who thinks that hooking up is a foregone conclusion, what if I don’t like him in person? Idk why it’s so hard to just be polite and respectful.
Anon
Amen to your last paragraph! And then they get all butt hurt when you don’t act like an escort.
Anon
I think your response was fine but I actually disagree with all the posters saying this guy was fishing for nudes. I think he wanted to know if you’re fat. That’s what ‘full body photos’ are for on the apps. This is a gross reality of app dating.
Anon
Gross. You’re not being harsh. You have standards.
Also Anon
Asking for a full body pic, in and of itself, is a little annoying but not a big deal. When he asked for “one more,” I twitched, because it reminds me of an absolute jerkwad I dated in my 20’s. He was constantly asking for pictures, and the more I sent the more he asked. I eventually realized it wasn’t about wanting pictures, it was about seeing how much he could get me to to for him, if that makes sense. I think he got off on me giving in when he asked for something, especially if I initially said no. Ugh.
I’ve never used dating apps, to be honest, but if I was using one and someone asked for “one more” picture after I took one to send him, I’d probably say “nope, no more selfies, if you want to see more of me we can meet in person.” If he kept pushing, or playfully begging, then I’d unmatch and block. I don’t have time for guys who think “no” is something they can overcome if they push hard enough.
Anon
Tips on tactfully dealing with support staff asking you to buy them lunch or Starbucks for them? FWIW I work across four different office locations and work with multiple (5+ per office) support staff who support many other people, not just me. Happy to treat them once in a while but it seems to be getting out of hand. Office does not have a budget for this. And yes, I make more money than them, but not to the amount that I can be buying people lunch or coffee weekly at multiple office locations. One thought was just to make it known that I will treat each office to lunch per season, or coffee the first Monday of the month. Something that is predictable and so it decreases the amount of pestering I get for these treats? Thoughts? Help!
FWIW I used to work as support staff (elsewhere) and really appreciated it when managers brought treats but did not expect it or asked for it.
Anon
I’m shocked people ask for this. I buy coffee and treats for staffers on occasion but never have I ever been asked to pay. No advice, that’s just odd.
Vicky Austin
I have no idea – I have never heard of this! Do they think the office *does* have a budget for this?
Anon
+100
Lily
I don’t understand. The support staff is directly asking you to buy them coffee or lunch out of your own pocket, and not connected to some kind of work event? That is beyond presumptuous. How did this start?
Anonymous
I think this very much depends on the income differential. When I was an admin supporting a department manager I made 30k to his 150k. He brought me coffee every morning and I would have rioted if he stopped. (Lest you think I was entitled, when that manager left he actually tried to take me with him, but I had already secured a much better salary in my field of study).
Anon
I have also never heard of this. They MUST think the company is buying? I personally would work into the conversations that that is not the case, wouldn’t set up anything regular, and set boundaries saying just, no or ignoring. I wouldn’t even feel bad about it because I’m sorry but *asking* someone to spend their own money (if they realize this) on stuff like this is beyond, so I wouldn’t personally feel guilty. But I’m a grinch.
Anon
Are they asking because you are staffing them on a task that requires them to work through their lunch time or requires them to retrieve or set up lunch for others? If so, then in my office feeding them is part of the gig. If not, in my office they are crossing the line and need one gentle heads-up that since lunch and fancy coffee are not generally in the office budget, it is not a great look for them to behave as though regularly entitled to such treats.
Anon
But is feeding them from the manager’s own personal income in that situation part of the gig?
I agree that the company should be paying in the scenarios you describe, but if that’s not company policy I don’t know that a manager of 15+ (??) people should be personally stepping in!
Anon
Then the manager needs to do something about them working through lunch or whatever.
Amy
We need more details about the context in which this is coming up. Are you offering to make a Starbucks/sandwich run for the entire office, and they’re just not paying you back? (In which case: stop asking.) Are you both in line at the place and after they order, do they just step aside as if you’re going to pay for both of you? (In which case, say, “Oh I figured we’d do separate bills.”) Do they explicitly ask, “Do you mind paying for this?” (In which case, “Oh, I figured/I’d rather we’d each get our own.”)
Anonymous
Do you mind sharing the context in which this request happens? Just asking out of the blue seems really bizarre to me. Offering to buy drinks/lunch is one thing, but asking for it? Odd.
OP
OP here!
Thanks all for your thoughts. I do think part of the problem is that they think there is an unlimited budget line for it and do not realize these treats are out of my own pocket. While there is an office budget line for special occasions, there is no budget for the random and frequent Starbucks/lunch run (how would I expense it? Lol).
The context is that this particular staff works on scheduling which can make my life easier or much much worse. They just straight up ask me “when are you buying Starbucks/lunch?” We are never at the coffee shop together or doing a lunch run.
I do think most of you are correct that I should just say no.
Anon
OMG yea just say no!
Janey
What, that’s super weird. “I wasn’t planning on buying today!” or even just, “What do you mean?” to make them spell it out.
Anonymous
Yeah it sounds like they think the office is covering it, they don’t think you’re paying out of pocket. Respond with, “there isn’t a budget for lunch or coffee approved for this project. Coffee is available in the break room (if true).” If they’ve become accustomed to a treat even though they know it’s out of your pocket then maybe do it Friday mornings or something.
Aunt Jamesina
I’ve been in this exact position (down to having been the support staff member in a previous life!). I buy my team lunch out of my own pocket roughly quarterly. One person seemed to be under the impression that it was coming out of our business expenses and made comments/jokes about wanting to order the most expensive items on the menu and kept asking when the next lunch would be and lots of “we should do this more often”s. It was very awkward.
I think a “Jim, I’ll be treating our team [in a month/when Project ends/whatever]. Looking forward to it!” could go a help. I also made a comment about how I almost accidentally put it on my corporate card, whoops! Thank goodness I didn’t do that or our bean counters would be very upset! so it was clearer that it was coming out of my pocket (that actually happened, I initially pulled out my corporate card by mistake when going to pay). Probably a dumb way to go about it, but there you have it. The comments abruptly stopped, at least.
Anonymous
Just say no.
Anon8
I’m hoping there’s just a misunderstanding and they think you’re expensing it. Either way you need to tell them directly that you’re spending your own money and going forward you can only do it for special occasions.
Anon
If it’s Starbucks, ask them to order on their app and you would be happy to collect theirs when you get yours. Their app, their $$.
Unreasonably Bummed
I was so excited to find a beautiful antique dresser for a great price for our house. It was delivered today and immediately my husband said we have to get rid of it because it smells musty and therefore must be moldy. I am so bummed and weirdly hurt?! I felt really good reusing something lovely rather than buying brand new and dealing with all of the packaging, etc. Part of me wants to try to clean out the drawers and lay them in the sun, etc. But part of me feels like that’s just creating more work that won’t be worth it. Why is this so upsetting to me????
Anonymous
Because you were excited, loved the design, and wanted him to feel the same. It’s disappointment…a letdown. It happens to me sometimes with projects I’m passionate about. All normal!
I would put some effort into de-mustifying it. If you have a garage or outdoor space that covered that it could live in for awhile, you could probably get rid of a lot of the smell. It’s probably due to the space it was stored in previously.
Anonymous
You haven’t even washed it yet and you’re already giving up on it? Step one of procuring a new antique is washing it (with exactly what will depend on the finish of the wood) but typically water and wood soap, then wood conditioner.
Bonnie Kate
+1 of course you clean it. Ignore your husband and clean the thing and let it air out. The first thing I do with all wood furniture is wipe it down with water, then I’ll go back and wipe it with wood cleaner spray a few times, which often smells like oranges.
I have a dresser that I found on Facebook marketplace for $50 that I found the same brand and style online for $1500 and it’s one of my proudest scores. It lives in our guest room. DH swears he gets whiffs of cigarette smoke from it but I’m most sensitive to smells and don’t get that at all (and the guest room is where I go for complete blackout during migraines; prime time for me to have an adverse reaction to any weird smells). Sometimes you have to ignore husbands. :) It would look perfectly in our bedroom, but since he doesn’t love it it lives in the guest bedroom.
It’s one thing if it’s an antique or used piece of furniture that has fabric and cushions; I do shy away from upholstery because I think that’s harder to clean up. But a hard surfaces? Absolutely manageable.
If it’s REALLY bad, you could paint it to seal it. But I really highly doubt you need to do that, and you’d have to clean it anyway first.
Anonymous
Mold can be cleaned off; it is dumb to get rid of something you otherwise like without even trying.
Anon
For people who are sensitive to mold, actually they need to avoid objects like wood that are porous. The mold sometimes cannot be effectively removed.
Depending on your level of sensitivity, though, you may be fine.
Anonymous
OP here. Definitely plan to give it a good cleaning and time in the sun. Is there any way to determine if it is mold vs. just musty?
Anon
I’m assuming it’s wood, in which case the mold can be cleaned off (as opposed to fabric).
I buy almost all of my furniture and clothes second hand for many reasons (reducing waste is definitely one of them!) but some people are so weird about second hand items.
I’d definitely give everything a good clean and lay in the sun. It might just be carrying the musty smell if it’s old home was musty. I have a lot of furniture from my late grandfathers musty af house, and none of the furniture retained its must after being moved and cleaned.
Finally – antique furniture is much higher quality than most modern stuff (and comparable modern stuff is $$$), so sounds like you got a great find!
Cat
A musty smell can 100% be cleaned – that is pretty standard when buying used. Your husband’s reaction is disappointing for sure but I wouldn’t give up that fast.
anon
At least try to clean it up! I cannot stand musty smells, but I also wouldn’t give up on a piece that easily.
Lily
Some kind of vacuum cleaner (cordless stick vac, for example) or at least a dust buster, if your place is small. I’d also get a sprayer mop that you can attach a cloth pad to (much less waste and cheaper than swiffer products).
Quail
We are going to be renovating our kitchen soon and will need to buy a toaster oven for the time when our real oven is out of commission. Amy recommendations?
Cat
Breville
startup lawyer
+1
Quail
Thanks!
anon
+2. We were without our wall oven for 8 months, from Sept 2021 through May 2022. It’s a long saga on why it took that long to get an oven, but we managed to cook everything for a family of 3 with a Breville toaster oven, a sous vide, and our stovetop. The Breville toaster oven was the MVP.
Anon
I think the most important thing to decide is how much counter space you have available. There are some nice toaster ovens, but they’d take up pretty much all of the space in my small kitchen, so I stick to the smaller, more basic ones. It’s still big enough for 4 slices of toast or a large tortilla and I use it all the time for all kinds of things. It really depends how much you want to spend and what you want to cook in it.
Quail
Yeah, this will be our only oven for a family of 5 for at least a month (probably two), so I think I’m going to go bigger so we can cook food for more than one person at once. But a good reminder to consider the footprint – we will be putting a table in our dining room with the appliances on it and space will not be unlimited!
Anon
Always double the estimate! You could be without an oven for 2-4 months. Agree with the Breville rec. When our kitchen was being remodeled we had a rolling kitchen cart and a mini fridge in our dining room, with a microwave on one and a toaster on the other. We had to wash dishes in the bathtub so we were careful about how many we used. Ah, fun times.
Quail
I just keep telling myself I’ll be happy with it once it’s done…not looking forward to the process. (And great idea on the rolling cart!)
brokentoe
You may also want to think about a hotplate. We bought an induction one for under $100 when we were without a range and it worked well for boiling water for pasta, cooking eggs, etc.
Quail
Ooh great idea! Just snagged one on prime day sale.
Sybil
I also recommend a stovetop pizza cooker. We didn’t have an oven for four months last year and we used that more than the toaster oven. It’s CLUTCH for pizza (we still use it for most frozen pizza) but you can also do a ton of other stuff in it. I think the only thing I used the toaster oven for was baking cakes or banana bread. Absolutely worth the $30.
Sybil
Countertop pizza cooker, not stovetop, sorry.
Quail
Definitely would not have thought a pizza oven would be so versatile! I love homemade (and frozen) pizza so could be worth it even once we have our oven back.
Coach Laura
I got a French door Oster at Costco and they still have it. Will cook two frozen pizzas at once, or a full chicken or 9×12 casserole dish. Also has air fryer, convection, broil and of course, toast. It’s big so it might take up too much counter space after the renovation but I bought it to replace a full size oven and I love it. https://www.costco.com/oster-digital-french-door-with-air-fry-countertop-oven.product.100723542.html
Anonymous
So, I agree with your broad idea, but not the specific examples. OP, are you a person to try and make it work without purposeful products? Are you clumsy? If so, buy a grater and a kettle. Trying to “grate” with a knife or boiling water in a pot to be poured into mugs is asking for clumsy me to hurt myself.
Waffles
I assumed from reading the initial post that the OP was buying pre-grated cheese… or no cheese at all… although this is down-thread now by quite a bit, so maybe I am mis-remembering.
I used a pyrex measuring cup + microwave for years before owning a kettle. Super safe!
Anon
Yes OP here and I buy pre-grated cheese!
Mouse
A very close, old friend is potentially getting divorced. She’s starting to figure out how their separation will work, and she’s not sure their relationship will survive it. She didn’t initiate the separation. There is no foul play on either side, but the the reasons are somewhat out of their control. There is still love there. They have been together 10 years, married for two. We’re both 31, so don’t have any divorced friends at this point. Myself and another friend have been spending a lot of time with her to distract/support, and luckily her parents and sister live in town and are supportive of her.
Any words of wisdom? Experience? What would you have wanted from your friends at this period?
Anonymous
I mean this makes no sense as written? If they don’t want to separate, why are they?
NYCer
I mean this makes no sense as written? If they don’t want to separate, why are they?
nuqotw
Somebody comes out?
Anonymous
Maybe I’m just a curmudgeon from seeing so many gay dads absolutely ruin my friends and their moms lives but I hate the narrative that this is some sort of an unforeseen tragedy when it’s actually a calculated decision to deceive the other party for personal gain.
Anon
Is one party going to prison? Add me to the list of confused persons.
Anonymous
That was my guess.
Anon
I was going to guess a wants kids/doesn’t want kids situation, just somewhat confusingly explained.
Anon
Kids/no kids
Someone wants to live in San Diego and someone wants to live in Montreal
Their jobs are requiring them to be in different areas and neither one wants to give it up and neither is able to make the other’s area work
Someone’s family is wrecking havoc and the couple doesn’t know to tell them to shove off
Anon
Living together isn’t working for them but they still love each other, that’s my guess.
And I relate pretty hard to that. It’s all good now, but it wasn’t when we had two under two in a 1000 sq ft living space. I longed for a duplex. I still think it would have been a great idea.
Aunt Jamesina
Never, ever badmouth her spouse (no matter how egregious their behavior is). You don’t want that to blow up in your face if they reconcile. I think empathy and lending an ear when needed go a long way.
Anon
Agree with this. I’ve been on the wrong side of this once too often.
Anonymous
Good advice! Thank you.
Janey
After noodling over your post for several minutes trying to figure out what is going on, I figured out that the word “somewhat” is doing the absolute most. What is this guy up to?
Cat
This is kind of too vague to know how to be helpful! Like, is one partner having gender identity or s3xual orientation questioning?
anon
I’m in the middle of helping my sister through her divorce. Be a non-judgmental listener and affirm that her feelings are not wrong. Help with the practical matters, like moving.
I also am confused about the reasons behind the separation. It sort of sounds like the relationship is over, tbh.
Anon
If they are getting divorced, um, the relationship is over. Why would a marriage survive a divorce? This makes no sense.
Anon
Yes, this is a great point. OP’s friend probably needs to start working on accepting that.
Anon
It sounds like you’re doing this already, but just keep checking in with her throughout. It’s little things like asking if she wants to get coffee on a weekend morning, when that’s a time that she used to do whatever activity with her spouse and now has a gap in time (and might be sitting home depressed that she’s not out with him instead). When going through my divorce, I really appreciated my friends who kept checking in. Some days I didn’t want to talk, but they kept coming back and I knew I could lean on them.
Anonymous
Sorry for being to cryptic, y’all – didn’t mean to be confusing. it’s just a complicated situation and didn’t feel like getting into the weeds when I initially wrote.
So, my friend’s wife began transitioning in early 2021, and up to that point had not been out to anyone or living as a woman. Huge change, as you can imagine, but they both wanted to stay together and support each other (though in a straight-looking relationship, neither are strictly heterosexual). Recently, her wife shared how difficult it was being at home, with her, and her feelings of dysmorphia, and they all came together in such way that she didn’t feel like she could continue being married. This was not something that I, as a very close friend, saw coming, and my friend was very committed to the relationship, despite the sometimes difficult changes they were dealing with. Had to come out to both sides of the family, etc.
They are doing a trial separation that likely seems permanent. they have been in therapy together and separately through this whole process. This is a fairly new development, and I want to be the best friend I can be in a circumstance that I have no personal experience with.
Free Time
I gave notice earlier this month and my work has dried up, except for one small project. I work from home, so I have a lot of time on my hands to spend however I want, so long as I’m near my computer and keep my Teams light green. What should I do with myself?? I also have the whole month of August off before starting my new job, so I feel like I’ve been handed a gift of free time and I’m unprepared for it! Left to my own devices, I can read for hours all day, and I’ll probably do that. But I’d also like to take advantage of this time in other ways. Any suggestions for how to spend it?
Anonymous
Start a new exercise regime
Learn to cook/bake new things
Learn a language
Write a book
Get house chores done – clean out that messy drawer or closet, touch up paint, etc.
Read/watch TV
Arts & Crafts
All of these are things you can stop and start to check email/keep your light green as needed. (Also, check to see if you can set your Teams status to green for a set number of hours. I think this is possible unless your IT disabled it.)
anon
For the time you need to be home and near your computer:
– If you can receive (or just see or hear) any alerts from another room, organize closets, junk drawers, etc. around your house.
– If you’re confined to a single room, you could bring in any small sewing jobs like buttons and hems. Go through any paper that’s accumulated, scan in what’s important, and shred/throw away the rest.
– Use up any remaining PTO for preventive medical appointments–get a physical, get lab work done, get a mole check, see your OB, see your dentist and optometrist/ophthalmologist, etc.
Peloton
Do you have a treadmill desk? If not, get a treadmill desk and start walking on it! You’ll be able to jiggle your mouse, write, read, whatever, while also moving your body and feeling great.
TaskRabbit Tip?
Just used TaskRabbit for the first time for delivering a piece of furniture. It was straightforward and took about an hour. The person in question has a two hour minimum charge, which makes sense. It looks like there is an option (expectation?) that you will also tip. What is the standard rate/amount for a tip? Part of me doesn’t want to tip because I already paid for a two hour job but it only took one hour. On the other hand the guy did a fine job and I don’t want to short him.
Anon
$10
Anon
I don’t understand this explosion of tipping for everything. If they bid on a job, isn’t that the price? If they want more, shouldn’t they bid more? Or are they just trying to get untaxed cash?
Anom
Blame this system not the person. Doesn’t the app take a percentage of their fee?
Anon
But isn’t the app arranging the work or at least facilitating the arrangement? Without the app, the task rabbiter wouldn’t have any of these jobs so shouldn’t the app get some cut to continue to provide this service?
Anon
No idea. I also get annoyed about the time I spend on thinking about what to tip.
I’m seeing restaurants include a 20% tip or whatever into their costs / food. You can add on if you want, though sometimes they don’t make it obvious that the tip is already added and you inadvertently tip on top of the total order. Still, I prefer that.
Makeup Anon
Is there such a thing as a makeup concierge I can pay to recommend specific products for my face? Wait – before you say “go to Sephora” or “go to Bloomingdales”, I recently struck out with the make-up specialists there.
I used to use Laura Mercier (primer, tinted foundation, finishing powder, bonzer) but doesn’t seem to work for me any longer — either my skin changed or the formulation changed. Now I need to start from scratch. I’d prefer to just buy all of these products from one brand and have them be awesome — does this unicorn exist? Or is it truly better to piece together these products from different brands?
I spent a lot of time last night reading about all sorts of make-up brands… and it ended up being a lot of time wasted. I read ulta reviews for a specific product, then scoured reddit, then read sephora reviews, then checked out what bloggers recommend. And that was for just one product.
Should I just buy a bunch of stuff and return it? Or just pick Paula’s Choice and call it a day? If anyone has someone to recommend between Short Hills, NJ and lower Manhattan I’m all ears.
BeenThatGuy
There’s a place in Bergen County called Muah Makeup where you can book an appointment and go over your makeup needs/wants/brands. They will walk you through how to apply and what works best for you. I personally haven’t used them but have done a similar service somewhere that is no longer in business. It’s worth a call.
eertmeert
Try Blue Mercury. They are like an upscale Sephora in that there are a bunch of brands and the employees are knowledgable about all the brands rather than a Nordstrom where there are a variety of counters each with their own person.
Blue Mercury carries Laura Mercier, so they will be familiar with what you liked about those products and should be able to recommend alternatives.
nyc
I’ve also had luck at Bluemercury. I also find they typically have a lighter hand / recommend a more natural look than Sephora.
eertmeert
Yes! This is so true. And, there are so many great skin, perfume and hair products as well as awesome candles. It’s difficult to walk out without buying anything. Always feels like a successful trip :)
Anon
What is your skin type? I just changed up my makeup and maybe some of what I landed on would help you.
anon
I’m feeling really low. Like this summer is not turning out how I thought it would. I’ve been sick off and on with a sinus infection for weeks. I’m having a hysterectomy later this month, and I am completely overwhelmed with everything that has to be done at work and at home before the surgery. I’m frustrated that my friends seem to be downplaying the seriousness of the surgery (it’s laparoscopic, you’ll bounce right back!). I am dreading the recovery period; it’s going to be a long time before I feel good. One of our kids also has been sick with every bug that’s come in her direction. And my extended family has gotten several pieces of bad, life-altering news in the past month. It is too much. I’m not sleeping well and have no energy to do anything fun. And I’m tired of my sinuses pounding and my uterus aching. Ugh. Help me snap out of this pity party?
Anon
Do you have a partner who can and should be picking up some slack?
anon
He’s doing his part on the home front, zero complaints here, but there’s only so much he can do.
Senior Attorney
Ugh, commiseration. I am in Week Two of a very bad case of COVID and my ne’er-do-well siblings are bugging me about distributing my dad’s estate (uh, I can’t go to the bank I HAVE COVID) and my son is moving out of state and I took over a big volunteer job that I’m not able to do because I’m too sick, and I’m also not sleeping because I’m on steroids among every other drug in the world. Fortunately I am married to the best man in the world who is testing negative and symptom free, but it’s till tough.
My prescription for you is the same as for myself: Try your best to rest and get all the best medical care you possibly can.
Senior Attorney
Oh, and when your friends ask how they can help, give them a job to do even if it’s picking up a grocery order or similar.
Vicky Austin
This. If you’re worried about placing undue burdens on your friends, I often think of a line from a Madeleine L’Engle book from a small dispute between friends about who should pay for lunch: “It is also blessed to receive.” Let your friends help you when they want to.
Anon
Sorry to add more emotional labor to your plate here, but tell your friends to knock it off. Tell them that you appreciate they are trying to make you feel better, but the reality is that your recovery will be challenging and longer than they are implying and what you need ia their support in a different way. I have said this to my friends before and they very much appreciated knowing what type of support I needed. Friends aren’t mind readers and are trying to be supportive but missing the mark they can’t see.
Aunt Jamesina
Ongoing sinus infections suck so much and drain any fun out of life even in the best of times. I’m really sorry. You have the right to feel low about all of this, that’s a lot of things all at once. And anybody who downplays surgery can get lost.
If you’re looking for permission to wallow a bit, here it is! If you need some advice, mine is to figure out which balls can be dropped or at least delegated to others (it sounds like you have a spouse, and I think this is one of those times you can tell them “I need you to take X and Y entirely off my plate, it’s too much for me” without asking whether they want to or not).
For your friends who are downplaying this, sounds like a bunch of toxic positivity! I found that I was better able to get emotional support through medical stuff when my well-intended (albeit clueless) friends and family would say things like “oh I heard Susie had that done, she’s in perfect health now!” (when they hardly know Susie, and y’know, Susie probably didn’t share all the gory details) or “you’ll bounce right back, you’re in good health!” etc. was to tell them what I needed from them, which I found really helped stave off dumb@ss comments like that. “Yes, it might seem like a minor surgery from an outsider’s perspective, but it’s not and it’s really weighing on my mind and I need someone to listen to my worries right now”. Plus giving them a bit of a primer on the recovery/potential complications if you’re emotionally up to it. I found that after a bit of a blunt education, *most* people were able to step up to be supportive (but you certainly don’t have to take on that emotional burden if you aren’t up to it!).
I can’t imagine why they think a hysterectomy is easy, the hormonal differences along are pretty significant from what I understand.
anon
The person who is telling me I’ll sail through it is a nurse. *headdesk* Like sure, I’ll get to go home relatively soon and recover at home, but that’s still a lot of stress on the body.
Aunt Jamesina
The person who is telling me I’ll sail through it is a nurse. *headdesk* Like sure, I’ll get to go home relatively soon and recover at home, but that’s still a lot of stress on the body.
Senior Attorney
I agree with this. To them it’s just business as usual.
Curious
Yes. Especially people who work in emergency medicine. You’re not dead or bleeding out or septic? It’s a great day!
Coach Laura
Haha Curious I love that!
Oh so anon
I’m going to be one of those people. I had a laparoscopic hysterectomy. The apprehension you are feeling now is the worst part; I was literally sick with fear. Recovery was no big deal. Pain was minimal and I had no hormonal issues. I was back to work in one week. I can empathize with your situation, but I can also attest that a hysterectomy is not as bad as some people make it sound.
FormerlyPhilly
Until you’re the person who has a complication and your “should be fine” lap surgery turns into something more involved.
Been There
Any medical procedure can result in complications (just as any drug can have side effects) – but those are thankfully rare and there is no need to go into every one anticipating the worst possible scenario.
OP – Your friends are trying to reassure you based on the most likely outcome. Most modern hysterectomies result in a week or 2 of downtime and are seriously not that bad. This is not people patting you on the head and saying “oh everything will be fine dear.” Your anxiety is completely understandable but not based in reality.
Anon
I’m not the OP, but I think oftentimes this reaction can be really invalidating. Sure complications are rare, but it is also normal and okay to be worried about surgery. And just because yes, almost certainly, things will be fine in the end, it doesn’t mean there won’t be pain and fear and healing in the middle. Just my two cents on why “you’ll be fine” (especially without reassurance) is unhelpful for some people, and definitely when OP specifically said that this “reassurance” is not helpful for her. I’d much rather hear something like, “I understand why you’re nervous; how can I help you?” or “I understand why you’re nervous; do you want to talk about it or want a distraction?”
Anon
I’m not sure how this was supposed to be helpful when the OP specifically said it’s unhelpful to hear that the surgery will be easy?
Been There
OP also asked for help breaking out of her pity party.
Sinus infection + sick kid + work stress + stress of upcoming medical procedure are enough to make anyone fell exhausted and overwhelmed. Just the sinus infection would leave me there! She has my sympathies. And honestly she deserves to be in a funk. But since she wants to snap out of it – then telling her that her upcoming procedure very likely will not be nearly as bad as she is fearing (people’s ideas are very much stuck from when this procedure was much more difficult) and that her friends are not being unreasonable in telling her that may be something she needs to hear repeated. And it has the added benefit of being the light at the end of the tunnel for at least some of her physical ailments.
Anon
Are the healthy kids old enough to do more? Order food, do some yard work, laundry, run around with the vacuum…
Anon
I just found out yesterday that I won’t be getting my very much wanted hysterectomy because the surgeon can’t schedule me until after my currently excellent health insurance ends and the new out of pocket becomes unaffordable. I got my hopes up for nothing. I hope yours goes well and you are so fortunate that things have lined up to make it possible.
Anon
online retail therapy?
Anon
Or actual therapy.