Coffee Break: Venn Circle Earrings

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1. We’ll be guests at a wedding in a couple weeks. The invitation says the ceremony is black tie and the reception is black tie optional. Is this a thing? Do guests actually change between events?
   Would it be appropriate for SO to wear a black suit with a white shirt and black bow tie? Or should he wear a normal tie?

   1. that is very strange. i’ve heard of where there is a ceremony at a church or something and then a party hours later in the evening, but i’ve never heard of something when the ceremony is black tie and you wear a tux and then change into a suit? though generally a male can still wear a tux to something that is black tie optional.

      1. Black tie optional calls for a tux unless you don’t have one or for whatever reason don’t want to wear one, in which case you wear a dark suit.

         I’m sure this was just an oversight as far as the language being inconsistent, and you shouldn’t read into it.

   2. That’s not normal but you should both wear black tie. He should not wear a black suit those are for funerals he should wear a tux.

   3. Very strange unless there is an expectation that few people are going to the ceremony. Unless ceremony and reception are far apart in time, no one will change. Guarantee most people will opt for black tie optional.

   4. Maybe it means men can feel free to take off the bow tie at the reception?

      1. No. Honestly what?

   5. I haven’t seen it myself, but it doesn’t seem that strange to me. If there’s a few hours between the ceremony and reception, and they’re in different locations, all this means if they want black tie for the ceremony, but if you’d like to wear something a little more comfortable to the reception so you can dance, that’s acceptable. There’s no expectation that you wear two different outfits.

      1. I mean, black tie is an after 5pm dress code so yes, it is very odd to insist people dress up in it for the ceremony if you don’t even care for the reception. I think this is just a careless error.

   6. Since my SO doesn’t own a tux and I’m not going to ask him to buy or rent one for a wedding, I personally would just ask him to wear a black suit with a white shirt and his choice of either a black tie or a black bow tie. But my circle isn’t very formal and more men wear a suit than a tux at any black tie events I’ve been too.

      1. Ugh then your circle should stop pretending they can host black tie events. Idk why a grown adult man can’t handle renting a tux to be appropriately dressed for an event.

         1. FWIW, the vast majority of black tie events I’ve been to are for work, and the men still don’t wear a tux. And I can’t really blame them, because I wouldn’t want to waste the money renting one and deal with the rental when I already have to travel for the event if I already had a perfectly good black suit.

         2. I feel like the term black tie is so loosely thrown around that I’m sympathetic to someone not wanting to go through the trouble of adhering to the dress code. The number of “black tie” events I’ve been invited to that don’t even have a proper sit down dinner is insane. Unfortunately I think a lot of people put it on invitations thinking it just means “dress fancy”

      2. Idk I have no sympathy for men having to buy or rent a tux. Women invest huge amounts of time and money into their formal attire – why should men get off so easy, like ohhhh fashion isn’t something a MAN can be concerned about, he has more important things to do with his time, he should just wear whatever he wears to work. Meanwhile I will spend hours of my time scouring rtr to find TWO dresses (one as a backup) that 1) are available on my dates 2) have pictures of someone my shape 3) look nice on someone my shape and 4) that I like/think I would feel comfortable in. OR I can buy dress(es) and get them altered. No sorry if I’m going to put effort into looking nice so are you.

         1. This is such a good point

         2. My ex rented a tux when he attended my bar exam swareing in, and he said he was so nervous with all of the judges and lawyers there that he vomitted all over the place, and all over the rented tux. He tried wiping it off, but the vomit dried onto it, so he just left it at the rental place. When they sent him a bill for the tux, he insisted that I pay the bill b/c I was now an attorney at law, so he figured I could afford it, even tho it was HIM that vomitted on the tux. I therefore am NOT a fan of renting a tux.

   7. That is certainly odd. I wonder if it’s a typo (“optional” left off of the ceremony dress code), or perhaps the result of some sort of behind the scenes wrangling with the families, and the odd dress codes were the only way to “make everyone happy” and the couple figures it’s all a wash and people wear whatever they would normally wear to a wedding anyway. I can imagine someone’s mother wailing that “my baby’s wedding must be black tie or I will be so disappointed” while the other family refuses to rent tuxes.

   8. I would also assume it’s a typo and both events are black tie optional. You could clarify with the bride and groom or just dress in black tie for both events.

2. I just bought a brand new condo (yay!) – it’s new construction, and I’ll be moving in in November. What are some things I’m not thinking about to do that I should do? I was able to pick an overall finish package, but not some details, so I’m going to have someone come in and paint, but what am I not thinking about?

   I’m going from a 1 BD Apartment to this 2 BD Condo, so I know I’ll need additional furniture.

   What am I missing that I should do before moving in? Thinking specifically about changes to the condo itself.

   1. What do you have going on for window treatments and are you happy with them?

      Same question but for light fixtures.

   2. For new construction, get a new construction cleaning done (including professional cleaning of any air ducts) before any painting or moving in happens.

      1. This! You would not believe what I sucked out of my air ducts after a reno.

   3. Putting in a punchlock or rekeying the lock.

   4. upgrade any carpets before you move in… I always ask them NOT to put up shitty builder closet stuff so I have a clean slate to put up my own preferred closet system.

   5. Congratulations! One of the advantages of new construction is that there’s very little you have to do before moving in. Painting is good. I’d also focus on window coverings and area rugs. If there are any details that you know you don’t like (hardware on cabinets, light fixtures, lightswitch plates), go ahead and change them out. If you know you need a fan to sleep, make sure one is installed in the bedroom. But if nothing jumps out at you, there’s nothing wrong with living there for a year to see how you like it and then customizing in small ways as you live there.

   6. Congrats! Change out any standard fixtures you may not like like lights, light switches, shower head, faucet, etc.

   7. Don’t do too much before you move. You need to live in a space for a while to see what you need.

      1. +1 Don’t buy furniture before you move in.

         1. This. I am currently offloading a bunch of items I purchased before moving in because they just aren’t useful in the space after all.

   8. Upgrade the carpet padding. Trust. Upgrade.the.carpet.padding. New construction padding is the very worst – it’ll feel like you’re walking on the subfloor.

      You’ll almost certainly want to order blinds – the new construction I’ve lived in hasn’t come with that.

      Washer and dryer? Other appliances?

      Yard care tools?

      Ditto on making sure they clean the place well. They’ll say they did, but they didn’t really, so be prepared to argue with them or bring in your own person before moving day.

   9. It is smart you are buying new construction. I love my place, but the windows are ratty and Dad is pushing me to move to New Constuction on the west side. I prefer to stay, but he wants the west side, and new, so I have to look at Hudson Yards. Is anyone in the hive looking or living there yet? Help!

   10. Purchase sample pots of your paint colours and test them before you paint. New condo = new light so colors may look different.

   11. Take pictures and document all issues before you move in/as soon as you discover – there will be plenty in a new construction.

3. I have a call out to my obgyn, but any advice on getting through depression associated with weaning?

   It was rough with my first, but even tougher now with #2, though he was down to nursing just once a day for quite awhile before weaning.

   1. check with your lactation consultant also maybe? I think this was why was I drinking nettles tea back in the day.

   2. My psychiatrist prescribed Lexapro for me, to take through b*feeding.
      Her specialty was “reproductive psychiatry” – knowing what to take before and during pregnancy, and during b*feeding, etc. etc. If you live in a large enough city – I live in Atlanta and I knew another specialist in DC – there should be someone who can help. Good luck.

4. Has anyone bought a computer chair for your home that you like? Preferably under $200. Thank you!

   1. You can try cheap, but your tuchus will appreciate a more expensive chair. Try a designer store in your city or go on line. Start here, but do NOT stint on the padding if you will be sitting for hours. Trust me, your tuchus will thank you.
      https://thoroughlyreviewed.com/home-kitchen/best-computer-chair/

   2. I bought the “Amaz*nBasics Mid-Back Desk Office Chair with Armrests – Mesh Back, Swivels” two years ago. I don’t sit in it much (bought it for an assistant) and haven’t used it a ton in those two years (just got an assistant again about two weeks ago) but I don’t mind it when I do personally use it. Pros: cheap ($65), simple, easy. Con: I’m not the biggest fan of the river company these days.

5. The wedding registry is all sold out! I now think they will return everything for cash… as theres no way anyone can have that much Black and white stripe

   1. Haha thanks for the update!!

   2. Because I went looking at these things when you first posted the question, creepy pattered rabbits are all following me all over the Internet.

      1. Me too!!!

      2. I’m so glad I looked at that in a private browsing window.

      3. Me too!

6. I would like to buy myself some good basic jewelry staples. I haven’t had any of the life events where you would typically be gifted these kinds of pieces (marriage, anniversaries, etc.) and felt kind of underdressed for lack of a better description, at a family wedding this weekend. Even had a friend helping me for a dinner recently ask where my “good stuff” was and realized I don’t actually have any. I have no problem spending my own money, but don’t really know where to start. I’d like an everyday ring, but don’t want it to look like an engagement ring or wedding band. Maybe some nice earrings? I love etsy but searching through there can be so overwhelming. Help?

   1. For good quality classic staples I would look at Tiffany sterling silver pieces (I mean, upgrade to gold if you have the budget for it, but their sterling silver pieces are more reasonably priced). I wear my Tiffany silver studs and simple necklaces on a daily basis. My other staples are pearl studs.

      1. If cost is a factor for you, don’t get Tiffany’s. Their pieces are incredibly overpriced for what they are. You can definitely get same quality silver jewelry for about half the price you’ll find at Tiffany’s (you’re paying for the name)

   2. I’ve been ogling Cat Bird and Bario Neal for a while. They’re a little more modern than true basics, though. You might look at estate sales, quality antique stores, or your local mom & pop jeweler. A jeweler could help you design a piece if you don’t find something just right off the rack, so to speak.

   3. A pearl necklace, even a faux one, fills in a lot of gaps. I like a right-hand diamond ring — look at Brilliant Earth or estate sales if the ethics matter to you, or Blue Nile or your local department store if budget matters more. Sparkly earrings don’t have to be diamond but can be.

      1. Yes to Brilliant Earth! They have wonderful necklaces that aren’t too pricy, as well as vintage pieces.

   4. Honestly, I decided long ago that I wasn’t a jewelry person. I wear my wedding ring (I think you could find a fabulous vintage ring that would be suitable for every day wear and affordable – just head into a jewelry store on your lunch break!), a nice-ish watch (SS band, $600 15 years ago), and pearl or other plain studs. For pretty earrings that aren’t Too Much, I bought a couple pairs from this shop (they seem to have a limited selection right now – they have many more styles) on vacation a year ago and love them. For special events, I pick up something fun from the twirly kiosks at a dept store.

      https://www.etsy.com/shop/CharlestonGates?ref=simple-shop-header-name&listing_id=622161314&section_id=20221838

   5. This sounds fun – repost tomorrow morning but we need details! What is your style? What is your budget?

   6. Invest in the highest budget diamond studs you can afford. They look great whether the wearer is young or old and go with everything. After that, my next purchase would be a right-hand ring with the same metal color. Maybe something like a pretty diamond cluster or mixed jewel cluster that includes a color you wear frequently. From there, I’d probably go to a pair of pearl earrings in an interesting shape (I feel like Levian does a great job at using pearls in a way that’s not matronly but still timeless).

      Jewelry that I wouldn’t waste time on: Anything sterling or not true gold, any diamonds on the very low end of clarity and anything particularly trendy (like Tiffany hearts look silly now and I’m sure all those tacky Pandora things are the same if not soon will bet).

      Know that very small jewelry is having it’s moment right now. I would save that for cheaper jewelry purchases. If you’re going with a fine metal or stone, try to think more classic. Would a woman wear this at 20, 30, 40 and 60? For a lot of styles right now , I’d say no.

   7. My staples are pearl studs, diamond bezel necklace, and a decent watch.

      I love wearing “good” jewelry every day, but these are not special event pieces. For weddings, I prefer blingier fake stuff.

   8. I don’t see why you need “good pieces” rather than costume jewelry to go with your outfit. Don’t let other people pressure you into frivolous spending. Costume jewelry looks great without the spend.

      If you really want some fine jewelry, I wouldn’t start with etsy, I’d go with local jewelers or established jewlery sites (ex. Blue Nile) or even stopping by a local Nordstrom or Macy’s. I really like Effy for statement rings. For an everyday wring that scews away from engagement rings, try to stick to gemstones without huge solitaires in the middle. And wear on the right hand.

   9. I’ve always been firmly in the camp of “don’t wait for someone else to buy you pretty sparkly things,” so my suggestions for basics are to look at moissainite (basically lab created diamonds). I wear a pair of moissainite studs set in gold every day. I’m also a fan of stacking gold rings – there’s a lot of direct to consumer brands that sell these (AuRate, Noeime, Mejuri – I’m probably getting the spelling wrong), but they’re great for every day basics. I also like Ross & Simons (a lot of old fashioned stuff on there, but some good basic gold necklaces, etc.). I’ve gotten into just wearing real gold (I prefer yellow to white against my skin tone) and picking up more casual pieces in this category. I also never hesitated to wear a pretty ring before I got married on my wedding finger, but YMMV.

      1. PS – Bario Neal out of Philly makes gorgeous every day rings too

      2. Moissainite is really pretty! It is not, however, lab created diamond. Moissanite is chemically composed of silicon and carbon atoms arranged in a pattern with hexagonal symmetry. Diamond is chemically only carbon, arranged in a pattern with cubic symmetry. (Graphite is carbon arranged in a pattern with hexagonal symmetry.) From a physics perspective lab created diamonds are… diamonds. They are chemically and physically identical to diamonds from the ground. I’m a physicist and work with diamonds professionally. Thought the clever, curious women here would be interested in this.

         1. you have me intrigued – can you look at moissianite and tell it’s not a diamond? it’s chemically made, not mined, right?

            1. My engagement and wedding rings are moissanite. Been married 5+ years. Literally no one can tell (except I tell them, because I love the story behind the chemical composition of moissanite. I’m also terrible about taking care of nice things, bang my fingers into stuff, etc. The stones look as nice as the day I got them.

            2. I should have clarified, can a jeweler tell? I have a lot of it, too – I love the look and all the non-diamond “pros” that come with it

            3. I don’t know if you can tell the difference between moissanite and diamond with the naked eye. There are many tools that can distinguish the two, but I’m thinking of things like x-ray diffraction. Both diamonds and moissanite can be found in nature and made in a lab (although diamonds are more common in nature than moissanite).

   10. For a right-hand ring, I’d shop with the idea of finding something that you fall in love with. You can look at online sites like Brilliant Earth, especially their Estate section, or Blue Nile to see what appeals. There are tons that don’t look like engagement or wedding rings. You might see something there but browsing in local jewelry stores is a lot more fun, IMHO.

   11. I love vintage and estate jewelry because it tends to be more unique and interesting. One of my favorite stores is doyle and doyle — they have a great website. I would start somewhere like that!

   12. I love every single thing made by this jeweler. https://www.melaniecasey.com/collections/all-products

   13. I have a pearl ring that has a circle of diamonds around it. It is from David Yurman. I get compliments on it all the time. No chance of it being confused for an engagement or wedding ring and not that expensive.

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