Coffee Break: Gila Pumps

Joan & David GilaI don’t know what it is with me and navy shoes lately, particularly because I normally advise women to wear black shoes with a navy suit. But I keep seeing nice navy leather shoes, and they can be a little bit hard to find, so… this nice 2.25″ heel from Joan & David does come in lots of colors other than navy, including black, brown, beige, hot pink, and red, in prices ranging from $82-$175. The navy pumps pictured are $126 at Joan & David Gila



  1. Ooh, pretty. I almost bought them in another color. They are very comfortable and well made. My only hesitation was the little opening at the top fell oddly on my toes and was more revealing than I would have liked. I don’t normally think twice (or care) about things like “toe cleavage” but something about the way this was highlighted in this shoe gave me pause.

  2. Anonymous :

    Have any of you had the timing of your lady cycle alter because of increased working out? I used to be very regular, exactly 28 days, and I started working with a trainer and running more three months ago, and since then, things have been out of whack, it’s now anwhere between 30 and 45 days. I’m not far enough off to be really “worried”, I just want to know if anyone else has had this happen.

    And, on that note, anyone notice that they’re weaker/unable to run as far during the week before? I’m finding it a little frustrating.

    • goldribbons :

      Having such a massive fluctuation in your ability seems like a problem you should discuss with your doctor — as long as you can find one who will take you seriously. I would start with your PCP or an endocrinologist.

    • anon for this :

      Yes. I think this is really common. When I’m working out a lot, my monthly visitor gets a lot lighter or doesn’t show up at all and the cycle gets longer.

      I’m also way weaker, more prone to fainting and have no appetite two days before hand, followed always by an extraordinary craving for turkey burgers on the first day.

      • Anonymous :

        My period is much lighter, though still fairly regular, when I’m working out a lot. I also find I have to take it a little easier a few days before each cycle. I also focus extra hard on getting enough iron around that time (I definitely advise talking to your doctor – don’t just do this on your own).

        • I already take iron supplements because my iron was low and I was feeling dizzy, so I’m already working on fixing that problem, but, that happened around 5 months ago, before the lady cycle issues arose.

          • Make sure you’re consuming enough Vitamin C to help with the iron absorption. Might be time for an overall physical just in case.

          • Yep, my doctor was very clear about taking my iron with Vitamin C supplements. We caught the iron deficiency during my annual physical…so I think I’m probably good on that too.

    • Diana Barry :

      Yup – this most likely means you’re not eating enough for your increased activity if your cycle is longer and more irregular.

    • Anonymous :

      Yes. In fact, it’s happening to me right now. I started training for a marathon about five weeks ago, and am now in day eight of a non-regular period. Super annoying, but this always happens to me when I noticeably increase physical activity.

      • momentsofabsurdity :

        TJ — can you expand on your marathon training plan? I’ve sort of been toying with the idea of training for one. But 1) I’m super slow, 2) I’m scared I can’t do it, 3) While I can comfortably run a 5K right now, I become a huge winded wimp once I finish 3ish miles. Not sure where you are starting from but would love to hear what your training plan is and how it’s going!

        • Not the OP, but being slow is no reason to think you can’t do a marathon and more importantly, can’t enjoy doing one! My suggestion would be to start with training for a half-marathon, if you’ve never done one – that will help you get over the “OMG, three miles kills me, so how can I run further?!!!!” hump.

        • I’m the poster child for if I can do it anyone can!! I’m super slow and super determined – I ran my first marathon last fall. I started running at 26 – before then I could not even reach a 5K. I did Hal Higdon’s novice half marathon training plan and ran a few of those before attempting a full. Once I was up to (and comfortable with) a half marathon, it only took about 2 months to get up to the full distance. I’m more than happy to chat more about this – in fact, I rarely shut up about it when I’m in training!

        • I did my first full last fall and it was absolutely one of the best things I have ever done. I didn’t know if I could do it either, even the morning of the race! Ditto the advice to train for a half first. One piece of advice, though–if you feel really worn out after running 3 miles, it may mean that you are running too fast/hard for your current running level.

        • You can do it!!! I ran my first marathon last year and never in a million years thought that would ever happen. I followed the Hal Higdon novice program too. The best advice I have is to run with a group for your weekend long runs. The long runs are usually where people skimp when training but are really important. I don’t think I would have made it through half of the long runs without the accountability of a group. It’s amazing how quickly 10 miles can go by when you’ve got a good group to talk to.

    • Merabella :

      My cycle is still pretty regular, but I find it harder to work out/lift weights/do long bouts of cardio right before my period.

      I started reading Taking Control of Your Fertility (because it is often given great reviews on this site) and she suggested that a cycle’s length can change because of perceived stress by the body – this could be a contribution to your extended cycles? I’m not a doctor (nor do I play one on TV), but I found this to be really helpful in understanding how things work/I don’t worry as much because there is a real explanation.

      • Meg Murry :

        Or have you lost a lot of body fat? Lower levels of body fat can also cause disruptions in your cycle.
        One other random piece of pseudo-science that I remember discussing a lot in college but can’t find a reliable source for: your cycle can be influenced by living closely with other women “a study from the late 1990s found that the scent of another woman’s perspiration could speed up or slow down ovulation and change the length of menstrual cycles. The effect varied depending on when during the menstrual cycle the sweat was collected.” (can’t find actual study, quote is from here:,3710,121406,00.html ) When you started working with the trainer, did you stop working out in the gym? It seems random and like body fat/calories in vs calories out is a more likely culprit, but I’m just throwing it out there as a hypothesis.
        Also regarding the less able to workout the week before – I don’t sleep as well the last few days before my period – I either get bouts of insomnia or I just sleep restlessly because I’m uncomfortable – could lack of quality sleep be part of the problem?

        • Sleep might be an issue I hadn’t thought of. I usually sleep very well, but I’m just so fatigued before my period that I tend to oversleep and then throw off my entire sleep cycle, so then I undersleep and I’m tired, have to nap, oversleep, etc.

          I train at the gym, so my exposure to other women hasn’t really changed.

          It’s probably just body fat/calories. The reason I started working out more was to be smaller/healthier/fitter, so I’m extremely hesitant to raise my calorie intake- I’ve lost 15lbs or so in the 3 months, so it hasn’t been outrageously fast, but reasonable, so I don’t think more calories will help me reach my goal).

      • I also started reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility and I’m kind of blown away by how little I understood my own body/cycle. I saw that the author also wrote a book for teens that I’m tempted to get my niece but as she turns 13 tomorrow, I don’t know if she’s ready for that much info. Still, what an eye-opener!

    • Saacnmama :

      How much has your body fat dropped? If it gets below 15%, your periods can stop altogether.

    • Yes, if you’re working out a lot, it’s normal. Your body fat percentage can radically go down even without losing any weight. I had been running a lot last year and my body fat percentage was 16% when I had incredibly light to nonexistent periods. I hadn’t lost any weight and I was still roughly the same size and eating a ton, so I hadn’t realized what had happened. My doctor said it was pretty normal for athletes and not to worry about it. You can get certain things checked (like thyroid) if you want to rule out other causes.

      • I’m at the lower end of an overweight BMI, so I really doubt that my body fat is that low- and I still get my period, it’s just …acting crazy. I’ll ask the dr about my thyroid though – I don’t know if he checked that during my annual, since it hasn’t been a problem in the past, unlike iron which has been low for me before.

        • Having difficulty with exercise at the end of your cycle is very common. Progesterone peaks about a week before your period starts, and it lowers your ability to oxygenate (this is why some women feel very breathless in early pregnancy, even though the baby isn’t big enough to physically make breathing difficult). And for some reason, falling progesterone in the days before your period starts makes the effect worse for some women. Right before your period starts, you bottom out on nearly everything in your hormone profile. It’s basically the smallest amount of estrogen you will have in your body at any point, and the theory is this contributes to the general lack of vitality.

          The advice above covers most of the bases — thyroid levels, body fat, etc. Running in particular has been shown to lower estrogen levels over time. Estrogen is a key component in the first half of your cycle for orchestrating ovulation. I’m particularly sensitive to the effect of exercise on hormones. I track ovulation for fertility reasons, and I can delay it for a week by doing a series of long runs. If ovulation is late — or if it doesn’t happen — your cycle runs long.

          I know you said you don’t want to add calories, but you might want to take a hard look at what you’re eating. Are you getting enough protein and fat? They should, together, make up significantly more than half your diet when you are working out regularly. The protein, in particular, can be really helpful in regulating hormone disruption.

          • Thanks – this was a really informative response! I appreciate it.

            My trainer has been encouraging me to eat more protein so I think I’ll try focusing on that over the coming weeks.

  3. I have these in black patent and love them! Comfortable heel height and super cute – I always get lots of compliments on them. They have a Kate Spade vibe with the little bow being the focus of the shoe.

    • I take it back, I have the Gardners in black patent and the Gilas in nude patent. I will say the Gilas are more narrow than the Gardners, not quite enough for me to order up a size, but enough that they aren’t quite as comfortable as the Gardners.

  4. Reposting here in case the other post didn’t go through.

    Early TJ from a long-time reader/first-time commenter.

    I finally got a job in my dream field (trademark/soft IP) after spending 3 years after graduation in PI and insurance (awful). I had to relocate to Atlanta to do it and while I couldn’t be happier about the opportunity, I could really use a few new friends in the area who practice this area also, to maybe share some advice on how to be a good associate in this field.

    Question for you all – how would you recommend I go about doing this? Thank you in advance.

    • Coach Laura :

      Paging cbackson… don’t know what area she practices in but she has organized some c’ e t t e meet-ups there.

      • Haha. I have tried to organize meetups and failed because I am a workaholic. HOWEVER. I was just thinking that we needed to have another go at it, since there are a lot of ATL ladies on the board.

        Also, just more generally, I’ve relocated a bunch of times and know well how tough it can be to move to a new city as an adult. In fact, I relocated to Atlanta (after a decade away) less than a year ago. So if you ever want to chat about being new to the city or the legal community here, I’m more than happy to do so – my email is my name at the mail of Googles.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      Is there a sub-group in your local bar association? Is their a national sub-group in say, the ABA, where you can check for nearby members? I’d start there…

    • Rose in Bloom :

      Hi and welcome to ATL. I don’t practice in IP but have a friend at my firm who does (albeit IP lit). If you have any general questions about practicing in ATL or want me to reach out to my friend for specific ATL/IP info, feel free to email me at rose in bloom 001 at gmail (no spaces).

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I responded to you in the suit post.

      • Thanks all! I got some great suggestions between this post and my other one.

        Cbackson and Rose in Bloom: Definitely will be emailing you. In addition to looking for others in my field, I also am lacking in the general friends area! I did go to law school here, but many of my friends have left so I am whittled down to a short list of friends.

        I would definitely help organize a meetup if others are interested?

        • Junior League of Atlanta is a good organization for meeting lots of interesting professional women. There are a lot of lawyers in it, but plenty of other types too.

          • Can I ask if you’re a current active member? I’m in the current provisional class, and it has been a nightmare of disorganization. I’m not actually sure if I’m going to be accepted (if that’s the right word) as an active member because I can’t get clarity on the deadline for completing my requirements. I really like almost everyone I’ve met, but I’ve found the provisional experience to be ridiculous stressful (lots of “surprise! the deadline for this is today and it’s mandatory!” experiences).

          • I was a member in JLA for 5 years, including my provisional year and then I moved to another city. Yes, it’s really stressful because there are so many meetings as a provisional. And sometimes the organization is only as good as the advisor/committee chair. Usually they have the list of requirements hidden on the website. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your provisional small group leader or even the provisional chair/co-chair if you aren’t getting answers elsewhere. I’ve found that the league is fairly forgiving of missed deadlines, especially when you can show that it was a communication problem. After all, it a volunteer organization.

    • Just to chime in – I’m in ATL and would be happy to go to/organize an ATL meet-up. Since it’s pretty late, will post this in tomorrow’s first thread to see if we can get any takers.

    • I’m a practicing IP attorney in Atlanta, and I’d be happy to meet you for lunch or a drink! Email me at ATLcorporette @ the gmail.

      • Huh. Weirdness with my post. I’d also be interested in an ATL meet up.

  5. TJ: I’m having a very weird problem with my lips and I’m hoping someone might have some insight. I went to the dentist about a month ago for a long procedure (~2 hours) and ever since then I’ve had this big red area on my lips. From further away, it looks like herpes, but I don’t think it is– I’ve never had it before and there are no ulcers. It’s basically just super, super chapped and flaky, swollen, and red. Nothing I’ve tried so far has helped. I’ve tried chapstick and moisturizers, which only provide temporary relief to the pain, but don’t help with the appearance. I am continually apply them. I’ve tried exfoliating– both with a scrub and with salicylic acid, and while those might help with the immediate flakes, new flakes appear quickly. The rest of my lips aren’t chapped or having any problems. Any suggestions?

    • Bewitched :

      I would call my dentist and ask for advice. Either that, or a dermatologist. You may have been allergic to something during the procedure? If it has been a month, you need some medical intervention. I’d guess that a steroid cream might be prescribed-but keep in mind, I’m not a doctor!

    • Anonymous :

      Zilactin, which is an OTC dropper formula.

    • s in Chicago :

      Is it possibly a burn? I had that happen during a bonding procedure once (part of lip was exposed to heat) and it took weeks to heal. I second the recommendation to call the dentist. Neosporin may help aid healing if it is indeed a burn.

    • Merabella :

      Could it be ringworm? I would get to the doctor and have them check it out.

    • OP here. Thanks for suggestions everyone. S in Chicago– it really does feel like a burn, that is a great way to describe it. I just called my dentist and she said even if they caused it, it should have healed within 10 days. Guess it’s time to make an appointment with a dermatologist.

      • Sweetknee :

        My husband went camping with our son and got an incredibly cracked, chapped place on his lip. He had to go to the dentist right after he got back. The dentist saw it and gave Nima great steroid cream. Cleared up in about three days.

  6. I purchased these in the cognac and black patent and ultimately returned them unworn, because I just found it not my style to wear patent leather shoes to the office. I have them now in a taupe suede and wore them over the fall and winter. They are comfortable and attractive shoes.

  7. momentsofabsurdity :

    My Peru trip is coming up so soon!

    We’ve now finalized our agenda – we’ll be doing a full week there, with one day in Lima and the rest spread amongst Machu Picchu, the Pisaq ruins and Cuzco. I think those things are a better fit to do with my mom then spending a lot of time in Lima. We’ll probably be doing a lot of walking, but not very much hiking since my mom isn’t really up for that. My only worry is that she will be sidelined by altitude sickness, but I guess that will be what it is. I’m so excited to go!

    So now I’m delving into the nitty gritty logistics of packing and getting ready. I really don’t want to pack much – we’ll be spending 2 nights at one hotel, 3 nights at another and 1 night as a third, so the less I have to lug around the better. As a chronic overpacker, I think I’d like to take one carryon sized roller suitcase rather than a backpack or duffle bag. Does that seem reasonable? As for a “walking around bag” I recently bought the Aldo Cutri bag (I had a credit). Would this work for walking around or is it not really secure enough? If not, does anyone recommend a different bag? I’ll have my camera (bigger than a point and shoot, smaller than a DSLR, potentially a tablet (considering leaving my laptop at home for the first trip maybe ever), obviously a passport, my phone, and some cash). It’s a pretty big bag but to fit a camera and tablet, I think it might have to be?

    We will be there in early May so any tips on dressing for the weather would be great. I’m hoping a hooded rain jacket, a couple pairs of jeans, and a few sweaters will cut it? Thinking about bring a pair of riding boots and a couple of pairs of flats.

    Would love to hear people’s thoughts on any tips or tricks for Peru travel!

    • For the ruins, bring comfortable shoes with treads. Have fun!

    • You had better report back on trip highlights. I’ve had two friends do Peru and Machu Picchu, and it sounds like it was amazing. I’m so antsy for a big trip, but I need to be patient.

      Also, altitude sickness can be a real issue. My family got it when they came to visit me and I took them to the mountains – headaches, tiredness, nausea. I don’t have any suggestions, I just know that it put a real cramp in their trip, and it affected my parents/aunt but not my siblings, so…consider planning ahead on that? It basically knocked my dad out of any activities, he spent most of the time in the mountains sleeping.

    • Peru trip :

      Please report back on your trip! I’m thinking of going there this year as well, and would love to hear about your experiences.

    • I visited Peru in late May-early June a few years ago. The weather was chilly – I wore jeans with layers during the day and was typically very cold at night for sleeping. I stayed with a host family, and many of the homes there are not well insulated. So at night, I slept in a sweatshirt, sweatpants, a few pairs of socks, and wore a hat. I visited Machu Picchu, and it was very warm there during the day – the sun was out and due to the lower altitude, it was much warmer than in Cuzco, where I stayed the majority of the time. I would definitely bring sturdy shoes to wear to Machu Pichu because much of it is uneven and there are “stairs”.

      As for the altitude sickness, I would recommend drinking the tea they have there. I can’t recall the exact name, but it was a hot tea. I typically don’t like tea, so I waited until it was cool and then drank it very quickly. I experienced no altitude sickness, and I attribute it to the tea they provided.

      For security purposes, I wore my passport, ID, the majority of my cash, and other important items in a passport holder. I typically wore this around my neck under a jacket/sweatshirt, and then had a cross-body bag for my camera, snacks, etc. I never felt threatened, and no one ever tried to steal, but in major crowds, it can definitely happen.

      I hope you have a wonderful trip!

    • That’s a great trip! Definitely bring good shoes or boots for walking on uneven ground. As for the altitude, some people swear by the tea, but drink lots of water and take it easy your first couple of days at altitude if you are feeling uncomfortable. I highly recommend carrying your passport in a pouch on your body- I like a flat waist pouch which I tuck into my trousers in the small of my back, since it is harder to see. Generally, I keep a stash of cash there, and have in my pocket or bag just what I’ll need for the day, just in case.

      For a walkaround bag, I always like a backpack, since it doesn’t throw off my balance as much (although you may not be doing as much hiking), but whatever you bring, just make sure it closes all the way so someone can’t “dip” in.

      It sounds to me like you are probably planning to pack more than I’d guess you’ll really need, though. Packing light is very helpful. I’d recommend layers, but you’ll probably only need two pairs of shoes- one sturdy pair for walking, and something lighter. I’d take a couple of pairs of pants (and at least one should be something other than jeans- jeans take a long time to dry if they get wet), a few shirts, and one sweater. When I was there, I just kept changing base layers, and wore the same top layer most of the time. Besides, you’ll probably pick up a new sweater or two while you are there- the alpaca wool is wonderful, and they do beautiful knitted sweaters.

      Have a wonderful time!

  8. working mom :

    working mom panic attack– what do you all with school-age kids do with them during the summer? Nanny/sitter? Daycamp?


    • When I was younger, all my friends did camp. Many did sleep-away camp for a month, and day camp for a month. My mom was home with us, so we usually did a week or two of each, but not full-time camp. BUT, when I was a teen, I did spend a summer nannying for a family across the street, they had two little kidlets, and we had so much fun, and I know my sister is doing that this summer (she’s in undergrad and taking classes over the summer…I think it just happens to work with the family’s schedule), so I think you have some options.

      I do think that summer camps might be getting full though? I feel like we were always registered when there was still snow for summer camp, because I remember my mom showing us the options and making us pick, and there being snow on the ground.

      • momentsofabsurdity :

        Yeah, depending on your area you should book now – like today. Maybe in other regions this isn’t the case, but my mom was a working mom (and my dad was a working dad) and summers we split between grandparents coming to stay for a few weeks, nannies and babysitters, sleepaway camp and day camps for everything under the sun. It was a piece-meal sort of arrangement.

        Every January that my mom would pull out all the rec league catalogs, etc, and have us pick all our summer activities. From talking to my coworkers now, this stuff books up fast since everyone is in the same boat of figuring out what to do with their kids in the summer time.

        • working mom :

          nah, it’s for next year. Premature panic attack :) I was thinking about THIS summer and it got me freaked out about NEXT summer. I’m sure I’ll be angling to book in like, November. Type A and all…

          • Divaliscious11 :

            Use this year to find out about the camps, and to add a line item to your budget. Calendar some time in November to check when registrations open. The really good programs fill up quickly. Then plan based upon your budget, family vacation schedule etc…

          • Meg Murry :

            What do you do with them now? Are they at a daycare? Ask other parents there – chances are some of them have older kids, you could get an idea of whats available in your area. You might even want to do some scoping this summer to find out the reputations of the programs – chances are they will be similar next year to this year.

          • Agree with Diva, the “best” camps will book up fast. I worked at a camp for a few summers and it would consistently sell out by April (some sessions as early as February). We’d have frantic parents calling to see if anyone had cancelled every week.

    • Day camp; it is considered daycare, so you can be eligible for tax deduction up to a certain amount, or use dependent care FSA.
      And, working mom, mark your calendar to start summer planning earlier next year.

    • Daycamp plus a week at the grandparents, a week of sleepaway camp, and a week of family vacation. But if I knew a responsible college student with a car, I would definitely think about just paying for a pool membership for her and my stepdaughter. My stepdaughter is not a big fan of any of the daycamps we’ve sent her to, but she’s kind of a whiner and I think if she had friends or a sibling at camp, she’d enjoy them more. (None of her friends’ mom’s work and she just wants to stay at home like they do).

      Depending on your geographic location, you should sign up right away. They do tend to fill up obnoxiously early in my area.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      Camp, summer programs, family visits.
      Next year my oldest will go to sleep away for 3 weeks, maybe 6, but if so to a different program with a trip home in between….

    • Merabella :

      No kids, but when I was a kid I did day camp for most of the summer, one summer my mom made me go with my cousins to bible camp (I don’t remember a lot of religion, only a lot of crafts). I never did sleep away camp.

      I also stayed home a lot too with my older sister and we made movies with our old school camcorder.

      I think we always did a one-week family vacation to the beach/lake whatever, and then spent some time with my grandparents.

    • Meg Murry :

      Our daycare / afterschool care has a summer program this year, thank goodness. We just signed my son up for a couple days a week, and grandparents are going to help the other days. Our city rec also offers a summer program for super super cheap (like all summer for the cost of 1 week of daycare) but its only from 10:00 – 3:00 – pretty much the most useless hours ever for working parents. We are probably going to try to piggyback the city program with a high school/college kid shared between us and another family next year, but we decided we wanted the consistancy and discipline of daycare for one more year.

    • Daycamp, through the school district – it’s one of the very few options in my area that are truly “full day” (ahem, 9-3 is not full day!). One week he’s going to a art day camp program for something different, my mom will pick him up at 3:00 each day.

    • Architect :

      Many schools have summer programs. My kids go to one during the school year and then also in the summer. As the girls have gotten older, we have added specialty camps. These are more money and take extra coordination due to different location, etc. You can sign up with other kids and then carpool too. There also is overnight camp. My eldest daughter starting going when she was 10. My other daughter is too nervous and will probably never go. Any of the specialty stuff fills up fast in my town. My girls have had the big stuff planned and paid for since February. It seems crazy, but you get used to it.

    • Anonymous :

      Daycamp. Our Jewish Community Center has a great one (we are not Jewish, but use the JCC as it has a great fitness center and pool – and daycamp!). It is not what I would call “affordable” but not terrible either. Day camps are very big in our area and museums, working farms, schools, etc. all have them. Check around and see what you can find that would interest your kid. Our daycamp even has a meal program, before/after care, field trips, optional evening activities, etc. just like my son’s school.

    • Silvercurls :

      Depending on where you live, there might be day camps run by the municipal or county recreation department, and/or specialized day camps run by local music schools, community colleges, nonprofit or for-profit educational organizations that foster children’s interests in science, computers, robotics, performing arts, music, cooking…

      Our county also offers therapeutic day camps for kids with autism, Asperger’s, ADHD, learning disablities…
      One other alternative is to hire a college or graduate student to be a daytime companion.

      YMMV but worth investigating.

  9. goldribbons :

    I am so interested to hear if you ladies have any reaction to the article on Above the Law today titled, “Should Egg Freezing Be A Fringe Benefit Offered By Your Firm?” (link in reply). It just blows my mind and renders me totally inarticulate.

    • goldribbons :


    • I stopped reading ATL years ago, and you can’t make me go back. Can’t! NEVER!

      • My life got so.much.better when I stopped reading ATL. SO MUCH BETTER.

        • Me three! I noticed a marked improvement in my job satisfaction and life happiness when I stopped reading ATL. Never going back. Never ever!

      • Divaliscious11 :

        This… or at a minimum, don’t go to the comments. Your faith inhumanity will be significantly diminished…

        • The ATL comments will make you hate men forever.

          Seriously, all of the scum of the male half of humanity congregate in the ATL comments. It’s an unbelievably sexist place.

      • Oh my. David is so great in person, but I’m still mad at ATL and Elie for his stupid comment on the poor woman from NYC who had post partum psychosis.

    • Oh my god I can’t even.

      That is a batsh*t crazy idea.

  10. Calibrachoa :

    thanks for all your good words in the weekend thread. i am still in shock over it all, i can’t believe he would do this to me. But apparently in his own words I was “just a habit” to him all these months. I just feel so sick thinking about any of it…. I had to take today off work and it is not looking good for tomorrow, either – I’m so angry with yself for being so weak but I’ve literally cried myself sick. :/

    And after all the shavit he put me through… he claims he never wanted to hurt me or stop being my friend.

    • He sucks. You are beautiful and wonderful and strong. I’m certain of it. You will come out of this stronger in the end and be happier without him. Until then, let yourself cry, eat things that are bad for you, do something physical to get the rage out. Be good to yourself.

      • Calibrachoa :

        thanks… ugh I just had so any hopes for this, that for one in y life i had a good thing, a real thing and then it all turned out to be a big massive lie.

        • You know, I’ve been there — pretty recently, too — and I know the feeling of being so lonely and discouraged that even a guy who treats you poorly must be better than nothing. He’s not, in part because the way he is treating you now makes you internalize his view of you (e.g., he says you are moody and clingy because you want to talk to your boyfriend on a regular basis and you get upset when he denies your normal, human emotional needs, so therefore it must be that there is something wrong with *you*).

          I tend to think it’s a sign you need to pay a little more attention to your own life and what makes you happy — and that may include re-evaluating some of your friendships, too. I hope you feel better soon. The next few weeks may be rough for you, but I do believe you will reach a point, like Monday says below, where you won’t even miss this guy.

    • I’m sorry. If it helps, based on what you said in the weekend thread, I think it is neither kind nor fair to blame the other person’s *personality* for your breakup. He knew what he was getting himself into, and for some reason, he didn’t take the necessary action to stop it before things went too far. There’s a cruelty in that, even if you can’t see it now.

      Be kind to yourself, but I’d also encourage you to get back to work and other normal routines as soon as you are able. Your relationship ended; your life didn’t.

      • Yes, January is RIGHT. FOOEY ON THIS MAN! Your life will go ON for the BETTER, without this guy. If it were NOT for pro-creation, we could DO entireley without MEN. Nowaday’s, with technology being what it is, we NO longer need there haveing sex with us for us to have babie’s, so chalk that one up to progress. For year’s all I thought about was haveing to have a sweatey man huffeing and puffeing on me to give me a baby (FOOEY!) but NO LONGER! YAY!

        If I want I can get a invitro procedure and NOT have anybody sweateing on me day after day until I get pregenent. So even tho I want to get MARRIED to the right guy who will suport me and the baby, it is NOT mandeatory that I have that same guy to make me pregenent in the FIRST place.

        So remember this. YOU NO LONGER need a guy for this, and you do NOT need his weenie for anything else either. When I dumped Alan, I figure’d this out, tho slowley b/c I was emotioneally involved with his alchocholism. Now I am independent, with a marketeabel skill as an attorney, and have my own apartement, so I do NOT need to come home and clean up his vomit. You can be JUST like me if you want. It is VERY easy. You just need to stand up for yourself. YAY!!!!!!!!

      • Calibrachoa :

        what is so effed up is.. i know i am moody and clingy. and i try to work on it. But according to other people the things he thinks are not okay are.. perfectly valid. apparently wanting to talk to him more than once or twice during the week since we almost never see each other outside the weekend is being clingy – especially sine i don’t consider him dismissing my call or saying he can’t talk th4e same as us actually connecting. And apparently it is not okay for me to be upset all evening if he tells me on a Saturday evening arond 10 pm that despite me asking during the week for him to keep his Sunday open, he plans on catching a 8 am plane to go to a football game. He backpedaled and said he would not go after all but the sheer selfishness and how he snapped at me for getting upset just soured y mood for the rest of the night.. and then he decides to break up with me. Because we “grew apart” in his eyes.

        • This might not be helpful yet, but just on a human-to-human basis this kind of behavior makes it hard to miss anyone once the original wash of pain is gone. Who needs it? Take good care and seek out people who don’t devalue you.

    • He is a DOOSH. You say the word, me and King Kong will MESS HIM UP for you, you hear me? Nobody messes with our peoples, RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Calibrachoa :


      • Saacnmama :

        I’m always surprised when women seem comfortable using douche (or variations) as an insult, as if our bodies are so unclean that even the cleaning process is disgusting.

        • Just speaking for myself here, but I always thought of douche as something that marketing companies convinced women they needed based on their own inner phobias and societal negativity surrounding women’s bodies, which they don’t actually need and which may, in fact, do more harm than good by disrupting your own natural self-regulating cleaning process and wreaking all sorts of pine scented havoc. Hence, using the word in this context seems to make perfect sense to me. But then again I’ve always been of the mind set that your lady garden is like a self-cleaning oven, no drastic measures to maintain it required.

          • Well said, AIMS. Love the self-cleaning oven metaphor.

            I never used that particular insult until recently, although it has crept into my vocabulary. Partly due to my younger friends, partly due to certain people fitting the description, and partly due to Big Bang Theory:

            Penny: [Raj whispers something to Howard] What did he say?
            Howard Wolowitz: He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer’s eve.
            Penny: Yeah, and the bag it came in.

          • Also, as Dan Savage has said a million times, he (and I presume many, many others) associates the term with “back-door” douching pre-a.n.a.l. sex. Not necessarily (or in his view primarily) a female activity.

            I don’t love the term, but I don’t think using it is going to set the women’s lib movement back 100 years.

        • I hear you, although to some extent this is a term that’s taken on a secondary meaning. (My teenage son has said it, and I’m pretty sure he has no idea what douching actually is.) And the term spelled “doosh” has sometimes been used by posters on this site after it was formulated by, of course, Ellen.

          Leaving aside the political correctness of the term, Calibrachoa, I do think what he said to you was dooshy in the extreme. You don’t deserve that, and while this might be devastating now — maybe in large part because you were blindsided — you will be better off and happier without this joker. To use another Ellenism, JSFAMO.

    • TO Lawyer :

      I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I know how hard this can be. When I was really upset about my breakup, I cried to my friends about how disappointed I was with myself for being weak. One of them very wisely told me that loving and hurting isn’t weak, it’s the epitome of true strength.

      I truly believe that putting yourself out there to love and be loved is one of the scariest/hardest things someone can do and you did it! That takes immense strength and you will get back to a point where you feel ok. It may take a few days or weeks or months but you’ll realize that eventually you’ve been through a whole day or even just a few hours without thinking about him and you’ll feel so proud of yourself. (I personally just reached a one week milestone of communicating with my ex and I’ve over the moon about that).

      It’s all about baby steps right now but you will be ok eventually. Hugs! Feel free to vent here or send me an email (toronto [dot] [name of this site] @ gmail [dot] com)

      • Calibrachoa :

        thank you so much. i might end up dropping you an e-mail at some point…

    • Anonymous :

      So sorry, Calibrachoa. I came here two weeks ago to commisserate after the same thing happened to me (after about the same amount of time, if I remember your story correctly). I’m still struggling, and still get teary every so often, but I can tell you that you will start to feel better soon. Big, big internet hugs your way!

      TO Lawyer, I was thinking about that very idea this morning, though the formulation in my mind was as eloquent as that of you and your friend. Thanks for sharing!

    • Very sorry to hear this, internet hugs to you.
      I went through a break up after a 3 year relationship this December. What helped me most to cope was the “no contact rule”, after any logistical loose ends are tied up (e.g apt keys etc) just cut off all contact with the ex – no calls,txt or email. I did some small things that immensely helped on my end. I renamed him on my cell phone contact list as “zzzz” so he won’t show up often when scrolling my address book but I can still ignore his calls. I also blocked him on fb and changed gchat option to “do not show this contact”. Luckily we don’t move in the same circle of friends so we haven’t run into each other anymore.

      • Calibrachoa :

        thanks… I wish I ould do that. there’s minor logistial details – I have a few books and s shirt, he has the same to give bak to e… but pretty uh all of y loal friends are his friends too, and in ost ases have known him longer than me so I a likely to lose everything I worked wso hard to build formyself in this place. Not to mention, I work with his brother. (same company, same building, different team) I suppose I should take his omplete lak of an internet presence as a blessing…

        • I will tell you what I tell all my friends “Girl, this is what the mail/your front desk is for.”

          And you’d be shocked how people react when there’s a breakup. You may lose all your friends, you may not. If they decide to be friends with the a**hat then you’re better off. Just think, gives you more time to develop new friends that are separate and yours. I know it seems like the sky is falling, but when in doubt repeat “I am better off.” Add wine as needed.

          • Calibrachoa :

            … I am now very very tempted to hand him bak his stuff via his brother. So he can explain just why he has inurred my wrath to the family I never got to meet. and ig he tries to quibble, well, his brother is in the adjacent corridor.

          • Anonymous :

            Don’t do that- it would be stooping below his level. He is an a$$ but don’t bring his family, especially your coworker family, into it and don’t make drama. Just text him before you leave the house “your stuff is on the front porch, please pick up before 6” Itll take time but you will heal.

        • I’ve been in a situation where most of my friends were mutual friends with the then boyfriend, and when we broke up, I did lose most of them as friends. I will never make that mistake again, it made the breakup infinitely worse.

          But, honestly, I came to realize that …I wouldn’t have picked them as friends in the first place, and they weren’t good friends, and in many cases, not good people period. I love my current group of friends, they’re good people and fun, and like me and care about me. Even if you lose those mutual “friends”, trust that the new ones you’ll make will likely be better friends for you because you’ll choose them all on your own.

          • Calibrachoa :

            I wish it was that simple but.. basically, there are not many people around here who like the same things I do in the sense of “biggest part of my personal life” important liking of stuff… if I walk away from him, I basically have to walk away from my life here. i know from past experience they will pick him over me – that what they always do.

          • Booo, that’s even worse- I was “lucky” (if I can use that word), in that I happened to conveniently move across the country very soon after the breakup, so…I sort of would have had to make new friends anyways. It also made not going back to my home province more of an option, because I had/have a life here.

            If you need a email pal, you can totally email me at cdn[this site] at gmail.

    • Men are really good for only one thing, and many of them stink at that too. I say to heck with men, and we women should just take over and let the men do women’s work, and be grateful for that. In a lot of the science fiction movies, women are leaders, and men are weak nothings. That should be the reality.

    • Silvercurls :

      Late at night but wanted to add my fury for his rudeness. Although in the short term life may be unhappy (since so many of your nearby social life was entwined with this so-and-so) in the long run if he’s going to reveal himself as THIS unpleasant you are or his friends.
      AND he can go to where it’s hot, hot, hot year ’round and the hippest accessories are pitchforks and horns. Between that and Ellen caps-of-disdain and Godzilla growls I think he’ll be deservedly miserable.

      Look after yourself. This will pass.

  11. I have these on my Amazon wishlist in the hot pink patent. Haven’t pulled the trigger. But I’m still lusting after them.

    • Nola – I answered your sandals ask (along with two others) – let me know what you think. I had totally not noticed how many sandals had little straps over the vamps until you pointed it out. How weird.

      • Awesome! Will check. I think the strap over the vamp is a new thing. Which explains why I now can’t buy sandals.

    • Oh man, me too. I keep checking 6pm hoping they’ve gone down in price. I’m not a hot pink person, but I’m having trouble resisting their siren song.

      • Whoops. Made the mistake of checking Zappos, and they had one pair left in the pink in my size, under $100. Now they’re on their way to my house. NOLA, I may come back to convince you.

  12. King Kong :

    Why name shoe after Gila monster King Kong not understand?

    • So unfair, right? Sad rawr.

      • Gila monsters are very shy creatures. King Kong and Godzilla should remember to be kind to the intoverted lizards of the world.

  13. Ladies, I’ve got sticker shock! I wore my best going-to-a-funeral skirt last week, and noticed that the lining was torn. Today I went to the dry cleaner and asked about replacing the lining, and was told it would cost $100!!!!! The guy said most people just buy a new skirt if the lining tears, and that it’s been about 10 years since they regularly replaced them.

    I don’t want to buy a new skirt, there’s nothing wrong with the skirt, and it perfectly fills a need in my wardrobe.

    In the end he talked to his mother (the seamstress), and she said she could patch it for $30, so I took that option.

    Am I just out of touch with current pricing? Or is my dry cleaner out of line with his pricing?

    • Holy crap! That sounds insanely high.

    • Can you try a tailor vs. the in-house tailor at a dry cleaner? You may have more luck…

    • I think your dry cleaner might be out of line. I went to mine with a slightly more complex query for pants and was quoted $65 for that task, which I can only assume is more difficult than a typical skirt. I’m in NYC for reference.

    • $30 for supplies (depending on the quality of the lining fabric), and $70 for labor – 2 or 3 hours to carefully remove old lining, cut new pieces, assemble and insert…I wouldn’t be terribly surprised. But yeah, it still sounds expensive.

    • Merabella :

      I don’t know where you are, but my local place quotes like $40 + cost of lining for a blazer, which is WAY more complicated than a skirt. I would say that dude is totally trying to rip you off. I would go on yelp and look up tailors and get some quotes from them.

    • Thanks — now, does anyone have any recommendations for tailors in NYC?

      (My dry cleaner’s prices for dry cleaning are actually cheaper than some of the other places in the neighborhood — didn’t occur to me he’d be so far out of line for the mending.)

      • I should have said in Manhattan, not NYC. Double sparkle-points for recs in/near Union Square.


        • Anonymous :

          I know that Nordstrom Rack has a tailor but I’ve never used their services.

    • I had a similar question recently- brought in a wool coat needing to be re-lined and was quoted $100. At the time I thought maybe the tailor just didn’t want to do it and was trying to get rid of me, but your post makes me wonder. At any rate I think a skirt should be cheaper to do than a coat, so it’s probably worth asking elsewhere.

      • I have a close family friend who sews and I asked her about the $65 price I was quoted for a pant re-lining because I thought it was really high at the time. She said that it was such a pain in the a** to do something like that that if someone was willing to do it for $65, I should happily pay it or just get new pants. She said you couldn’t pay her enough to undertake that kind of project. You may be right that your tailor was hoping to get rid of you, but I doubt too many other tailors would be willing to undertake the job for less. I agree that it’s a little more straighforward with a skirt, but, alas, it does not sound like a simple or pleasant task to undertake.

    • That sounds like a “we don’t want to do it” price to me. Like, we’ll do it if you pay $100, but is it worth it?

  14. Favorites :

    So I recently realized all work and very little play has made me very boring. If you had unlimited time and a reasonable allowance for yourself, what would you do in NYC? By yourself? With friends? With an SO? I live here and I’m not making the most out of this awesome city. What are your favorite places and activities? I’m open to anything, whether it’s a one time activity or a more engaged commitment.

    Feel free to expand this to other cities. I want to hear about cool things.

    • Merabella :

      I went to a salsa club in Alphabet City when I visited and it was super fun – I couldn’t tell you the name of the place, or really where it is (since I was a tourist/not paying much attention) but maybe get a bit outside your comfort zone to find some new places where you can go dance with some girlfriends/have a good time.

      Maybe take a day where you just flip a coin to decide to go left/right and explore your neighborhood – no real plan. Or get on urbanspoon and try to find the best place for coffee/brunch/dinner in your neighborhood and beyond.

      Look up a list of things to do in NYC and make it a check list – have you gone to the Empire State Building, Ellis Island, Statue of Liberty? Are their restaurants/attractions you have never made time to go to?

    • Anonymous :

      I’m not in NYC, but my favourite thing to do is play tourist in my own city. If people are visiting to see those sites, obviously they’re worth visiting…right?

      And also, missions to find the “best” XYZ. Whether it’s the best breakfast in town, and I try different places for a month, or the best bike trail, best grocery store for…spanish food, etc.

      Another option is getting more involved in volunteering or groups (e.g. a running club) or classes (cooking classes, wine tastings, etc.), which can also expose you to new parts of the city.

      And, finally, a very simple option- take a different route/method to get home. If you usually take X subway, take Y (even if it’s a slightly longer route), or walk, or bike, etc. I usually see new stores that I go back to check out, new restaurants, etc.

    • I’m so bad about this too! It is so easy to get set in your routine. I love to do food tourism – go to outer brooklyn for the best pizza, go to queen for Indian buffet etc.

    • It’s a little early for this still (and certainly too cold right now), but one of my favorite spring/summer rituals is getting a drink at the Met rooftop bar and seeing whatever installation they have for that season. The museum is open late(r) on Friday and Saturday nights.

      You can continue the fun by going row boating in Central Park ($12/hr, just bring a $20 with you as a deposit).

      Speaking of Central Park, make it a point to see whatever Shakespeare in the Park is being staged this summer. If you don’t have time to stand on the line, there’s a virtual ticket lottery or you could donate some money to the Public Theater and get “free” tickets.

      Go out to Coney Island (can coordinate with the Mermaid Parade in June for a truly unique experience).

      In the winter, I love going ice skating in Bryant Park.

      Right now, you could take advantage of the Tribeca Film Festival. If you’re not sure what to see or not into some of the more obscure movies, see Before Midnight (because who doesn’t love Before Sunrise and Before Sunset!?!)

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Wait, there is a new movie in the Before Sunset/Before Sunrise series?!?!?! I must go see this!

        • Oh my god, yes. I was so tempted to play sick and re-watch the first two this morning, and then go to watch the new one this afternoon. Crappers on being responsible. But seriously, I’m quite excited.

          • Sydney Bristow :

            Now I’m just sad that I’ll have to wait for a theatrical or DVD release. I’m impressed you made it to work today! Are you going to see it though?

          • First chance I get! I’m seriously considering trying for RUSH tix on wednesday.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Second the play tourist in your city suggestion. When I was unemployed, I spent a lot of time going to a new part of the city I hadn’t seen and took a ton of pictures of everything. I would make notes to myself of places I’d seen mentioned or a list of historic sites and then would go explore.

      Also check out a newsletter called The Skint. It is sent every day and includes a ton of things going on in the city that day, many of which are free or inexpensive.

    • Get a theater subscription, and a museum membership or two, and then use them.

      When the weather gets a bit nicer, start walking. Walk the Greenway, and the East River Esplinade. Walk from east to west, walk from north to south.

      Start a neighborhood rotation — Soho, UES, East Village, Chinatown, etc. Just go somewhere in the morning and start exploring.

      Seek out offbeat museums (the sex museum, the math museum).

      Check out public art installations. The next one in Madison Square Park opens May 2nd.

    • hellskitchen :

      One of my favorite places in NYC is the Transit Museum in LES – it’s built in an actual underground subway station and has real vintage trains that you can explore.

    • I love going to real plays on Broadway and Off-Broadway. I save the musicals for when family is visiting, but the straight plays, often in limited run, are fantastic.

      I also try to make an effort to eat/drink outside of my neighborhood from time to time. We get so used to doing what’s convenient, and it’s a good reminder that the city is bigger than where I live or work. It may be meeting friends for a drink at a dive bar on the LES, or a schmancy bar in Soho, but it gets me out of my everyday, you know?

  15. Anonymous :

    I wear dark brown shoes with a navy suit. Much better than black, IMO.

    • I wear gray/pewter or dark brown depending on my mood. I just can’t get behind the black thing, even if it looks intentional.

    • Me too.

      When I was a junior banker in 90s London, it was ‘not done’ except for ‘those flashy Europeans’ who were then just starting to work in the City in large numbers. For everyone else, the rule was ‘never brown in town’. Somehow, this made me enjoy my brown shoes and bags EVEN more.

  16. CPA to be :

    What do you do to get yourself back into gear after a big busy cycle at work? I just finished my first tax season a week ago, and after working crazy hours and mandatory Saturdays since the beginning of February, all I want to do at work now is take naps, long lunches, and talk to people. I need to still be billable, though the target goals are a lot lower now.

    What do I do? I could just put my head down on my desk and fall asleep.

    I’m still getting stuff done but I’m going so slowly. Any advice?

    • Former public (tax) accountant here – it always took me at least a month to start getting my drive back after tax season ended. Be patient with yourself. It takes some time to regain your equilibrium, ime. Set daily goals for yourself, to do lists that must get done, that type of thing, and you’ll eventually get back into the swing of things.

      Congratulations on suriving your first tax season. I moved in house almost 3 years ago and don’t miss the craziness at all! In fact, we just got back from vacation yesterday, and vacation in April was never even a possibility when I was in public practice (Canada’s tax deadline is Apr 30).

    • I am also an accountant in public practice. I am at a smaller firm, so we are back at it this week with auditing. Last week, however, I was a big time clock watcher. We did some cleaning of our offices and other areas of the firm that get neglected during tax season. My advice would be to look back on your tax season and pick out areas that interest you/that you struggled with. I make a list of things I’d like to research more and then during slow times, I’m able to dig deeper into those. You could also look into CPE that your firm offers, or if allowed, study for your CPA exam. In my first year of work, after tax season, I was able to study for at least a few hours a day at the office. My firm didn’t mind because there wasn’t much billable work to be done, and it was helping to advance my career/the firm.

      All in all though, enjoy the downtime! Chat with your co-workers, get to know them! Having good relationships with them will make future tax seasons much more tolerable!

  17. So, my Former Boss A called me about a job at the company he now works at. He got my cell phone number from my Departing Boss B. Departing Boss B called me on my cell phone to let me know that he gave my number to Former Boss A, but wasn’t going to get in the middle of things. I thanked Departing Boss B but was fairly neutral.

    Today I found out that Departing Boss B told Current Boss C that Former Boss A was reaching out to me about the opportunity. Current Boss C was indirect about it at first, but then directly told me that he knew and said that he was trying to make me happy (my position is evolving). I responded by talking about how I hope my position continues to evolve.

    Talk about awkward. Did I mention that Departing Boss B loves drama?

    • Nothing awkward here. Now your current boss knows that you’re recruitable, and that’s not a bad thing. If B makes drama, that’s her thing, not yours; you’re not making any drama, you’re just working away and hoping to evolve your position. And maybe you’ll find out that the job A has open is fantabulous and then you’ll have a fantabulous, not evolving, position. Or not, in which case you’ll be exactly where you are.

    • Departing Boss B did you a big favor. Why is this awkward?

  18. I have two pairs of the Gardners (hot pink and black) and love them. I just ordered the Gila in “light natural” this weekend… and now I see that there is something called the “7 Gila” which looks exactly the same, but costs about $18 less. Anybody have any idea what the difference is between Gila and 7 Gila?

  19. I’m finally biting the bullet and getting a cleaning lady. Does anyone have suggestions for one in Chicago? Thanks!

  20. LinkedIn question :

    I’m an academic & I publish a small newsletter (distribution is around 800) for a professional group. I invited someone to write a piece for the fall edition. She said it would be hard to get it to me in June, but she’d send it soon thereafter. “Soon” turned out to mean when I was shutting down the computer for Thanksgiving. In the meantime she had requested & received a copy of the invitation for her tenure file, which she was submitting right then.

    I’m just learning my way around LinkedIn & not to value the endorsements there. She seems very active, adding new contacts all the time. Is there any way I can note her very unprofessional behavior without having it reflect poorly on me?

    • I don’t know the LinkedIn technicalities, but I wouldn’t put your negative (if totally reasonable) appraisal in writing–you never know whom she’s got in her pocket, and in a realm as incestuous and cross-pollinated as academia it’s always good to stay neutral.

      If she’s an emerging scholar in your field, it still sounds as though you’ve got the position of strength and authority. Keep your ears open and pass along your unsavory encounter with her when you hear that she’s got a job interview or when someone suggests her as a contributor to your next scholarly conference. Academics are pretty good networkers (and pretty good gossipers); I don’t doubt that you’ll be apprised of her every move without even trying to keep tabs.

    • Nope. There’s no way to do a “reverse endorsement,” although I understand your feeling :). Just sit tight and know that her behavior is probably reflected in other aspects, and that might eventually come back to bite her.

    • Seriously? You want to ding her for being slow on a newsletter article when she was up for tenure? This just seems overly harsh. As someone who does a similarly unrewarding job in academia (book reviews editor), I can sympathize with the annoyance of tracking people down who are slow on things, but I’d cut her some slack while she’s going through an especially stressful period of her career. There are many other people in academia who are far less reliable about meeting writing deadlines and with much less reason.

      • This x100. I’m also guessing that your newsletter wasn’t paying her for her article.

        Dinging her would be rather ungrateful and only reflect poorly on your publication. If I was an academic, I’d steer clear of writing for any newsletter where the publisher publicly (or privately) shames its contributors for any reason.

      • I got the impression that the person agreed to contribute to the paper solely to put it on their resume/tenure application (which they did before even submitting the article), without much thought on following through. Was the article she finally submitted at least a quality piece? If the article sucks, you can link it on your page with a comment “interesting piece by Prof X, but I disagree with ___…”
        You can also make a recommendation with false praise/backhanded compliment, ie. “she may have kept us waiting until Thanksgiving, but it was well worth it…”), but I would just let it go and not risk it backfiring and making you look petty.

      • Anonymous :

        Agree times a million. Sounds like she was not the most stellar person ever to work with, but the thought of publicly dinging someone who volunteered an article for you will only backfire on you.

  21. Any thoughts on Naot brand shoes? I’m going to Europe this summer and plan to be prepared for all the walking. I was intending to buy Keen or Teva flats but the Naot (kirei syle)fit so nicely and seemed very comfy. Reviews are mixed. comfortable but they sometimes smell after long wear because the insoles are made of cork.

    • No Problem :

      I have a pair of Naot sandals that I’ve had for years and they are super comfortable. I’ve never noticed an issue with the smell. If they do smell, you could deal with it the same way you would other shoes that get smelly: air them out, use foot powder to prevent sweating, odor eaters, etc. Also, the description I see on Zappos says that the footbed is lined with suede (same as the sandals I have).

  22. Cantwalkinheels :

    I have some unusual foot sizes/problems so most shoes don’t work for me. Over the weekend I got a pair of simply black heels and black flats from easyspirit, and they’re amazing! They fit well, I can’t even tell I”m wearing heels when walking in them, they weren’t too expensive. they’re comfortable for a commute in NYC. I’ve seen reviews that they don’t last too long, but I’m hoping these do because right now they’re incredible.

  23. Sydney Bristow :

    There have been some articles making the rounds on Facebook lately about choosing not to have children. I wonder if this is the next focus of the women and work and (feminism in general) discussions that have been happening. Has anyone read this?

    For what it’s worth, I’m so sick of people telling me I’ll change my mind about having kids. My family and friends have stopped, but it occasionally still comes up with others. I’ll link the article below.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Here is one of the articles.

    • Just read it. I understand everything she’s saying. My husband and I are 28 and 29, decided we didn’t want kids when we got married (before actually; we both knew before we even got into a relationship), and my husband had surgery to make it permanent.

      I get questioned, lambasted, and told I’m selfish regularly when people ask when we’re going to have children. My husband’s aunt feels comfortable rubbing my stomach asking “Is there anything in there yet?” When she knows we don’t plan to have children, and she actually got angry when my husband told her he had surgery. I don’t understand it. She lives 2000 miles away, and will have no investment in a child of ours. She will not be raising it, paying to feed it, or helping with child care. Why the heck does she care so much? I’ll never know.

      Just this past weekend, a couple that we spend some time with found out we don’t want kids, and even though they know DH has had surgery, spent half an evening trying to change our minds. Why would someone even do that when they know that it would be incredibly hard for us to have a child now? I don’t get it.

      I guess I don’t have a point, just wanted to vent a little.

      • Anonymous :

        Oh my god I’d be so tempted to slap her hand away. I totally get your vent. I’m 29 and my boyfriend is 32 and neither of us have ever wanted kids. We actually talked about it on our first date. I don’t think it is a selfish choice at all and I just don’t understand why people think that it is.

        • Sydney Bristow :

          Oops that was me. I keep forgetting to add my name.

        • Merabella :

          I think deciding not to have kids because you don’t want them isn’t selfish, I think it is the total opposite of selfish.

    • goldribbons :

      I agree with the article and I think it is bullying when women are told they will “change their mind” about children — in either direction! I happen to want children and also I happen to want a career. The amount of bullying that women experience about this whole topic is terrible. Regardless of where on the spectrum you stand (whether you desire a bunch of kids and hope to be a SAHM, whether you desire a single kid and a career, or no kids and a career, or any combination), you should be afforded the same respect that any of your other life-choices get (e.g., where to attend college, which job to take, where to live).

      • Anonymous :

        I totally agree! It seems that whenever someone goes against what the norm is, even if it isn’t really the norm anymore or is on its way out as the norm, there is a huge amount of judgment with that.

    • Is it weird to be somewhat ambivalent? My preference is no kids, but I wouldn’t say never. My husband’s preference is kids, but he’d be okay with none. We plan to revisit the issue next year, but are kind of happy letting the chips fall where they may. I’m 31 so I’m starting to feel like if I were to have a child I should do it in the next few years, but that’s not saying I want to jump on it.

      • My SO and I are like that. We have decided that we are totally fine either way. We aren’t specifically trying, but if it happened we would be absolutely OK with it. We met much later than many couples, though, and I am already 38 (he is older than that), so I guess we’ve gotten pretty comfortable with our adult lives in a childless state.

        • ….but FWIW, I’ve always felt like that. I’ve never been one of those women who had to have children *now*.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        I don’t think that’s weird at all. My brother and sister in law described themselves in much the same way. They are now expecting a baby next month, but honestly I wouldn’t have been surprised if they decided the other way. I bet a lot of people feel that way.

      • I am also ambivalent, I don’t think it’s weird. I do think there is a pressure in society, so there could be others who feel the same way but cannot come out and say it for fear of what others will think.

  24. Anonymous :

    I debated posting this because it will definitely make you tear up a bit I think but I saw this video today and I can’t stop thinking about it. A marine who lost both of his legs visited two survivors (mom and daughter) in the hospital. At first I was so impressed with the marine being so positive and you can see how much she appreciated it, and then at the end you can hear her make a joke and she has such an amazing spirit and humor. Her and her daughter are recovering together, and I’ll post the link to donate to their recovery if anyone is interested.

    • Silvercurls :

      Tthanks for sharing this to reaffirm my basic faith in humanity. In times like these it’s a public service to share good news like the marine making the visit and the mom who is so resilient.

  25. Slingbacks needed :

    Looking for some help…I’m in need of some lower heeled (<2.5") slingbacks, prefer peep toe, in a medium brown ("nude" would be OK if it's on the darker side of the shade). Must be available in size 10.5 or 11. I'd rather avoid kitten heel, if possible. Bonus points for comfiness as I need them for a conference…but I can suffer for beauty if necessary.

    I know it's late so I'll try again tomorrow…

    • These come in taupe and cognac. Seem like they have a good shot of being comfy, too. But 3 inches….

      • Or these might work, though they are on the more casual side.
        Definitely comfy though – I had a similar pair from Naya last summer and I could walk significant distances in them.

  26. Not quite slingback, but looks nice, positive reviews, and available in your size:

    • Slingbacks needed :

      those are really ncie–I just need them to be more “open”- either on the back or on the toe, or both. They’re for a conference in a super hot setting. :)

      • I personally have not had the greatest success with Clarks for my misshapen feet, but these may fit your criteria: (yes, slow day)

  27. testing

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