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Coffee Break: Air Talia Wedge 40

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Cole Haan Air Talia Wedge 40I'm sure I've recommended this exact shoe in the past, but a) it's a classic, and b) I actually haven't seen this nice navy suede color before. Something about it just strikes me as so pretty — and at $106.99 (40% off) it's not a bad deal. 6pm.com has it in four other colors, including two possible “nudes” (a brown suede and a “maple sugar” patent), as well as black patent and black kid, all marked down to $99-$129.90. Cole Haan Air Talia Wedge 40 (L-3)

Sales of note for 12.3.24 (lots of Cyber Monday deals extended, usually until 12/3 at midnight)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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124 Comments

  1. Hello ladies! I’m tj’ing right off the bat!

    I recently received word that a girl I went to college with is having some health problems. I haven’t spoken to her much in those six years, but regardless would like to send her an email letting her know she’s in my thoughts. I live across the country from her so can’t do much (plus she’s got a great support system) – I just want to let her know I’m rooting for her, but of course am having such a hard time getting the words right.

    Has anyone been in this situation and received a note that they found particularly touching? Or can anyone help me get the right words?

    Thanks so much for your help.

    1. I can’t speak to what the “right words” are but I have found that sometimes a greeting card will help me get started on the right sentiment. If I don’t know what to say, at least the card says the right thing! I know you said email, but cards in snail mail, that a person can keep and re-read are also really helpful.

    2. I assume you heard this not confidentially — as in, it’s now pretty well known among your crowd that she is going through the (e.g., a mutual friend put on FB “Running this 5K to raise money toward Kelly’s cancer treatments!” or similar public announcement) — if you heard this on the DL, it may make her uncomfortable to learn that her health issues are being broadcast, regardless of your well wishes.

      If you did hear non-confidentially, I’d send her an email to say, “Hey Kelly — I heard from Jane that you are going through some health problems. I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you [or praying for you/sending you good vibes/whatever is appropriate in your situation] and that I hope that everything works out. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to make life easier for you or your family, please let me know. I’ve missed talking to you and I very much hope that it all turns out alright.”

      You’re a nice friend for thinking of this. When my grandfather died, I had several people I hadn’t talked to in a while reach out. It meant a lot, even though we weren’t close anymore, that they still cared. I think this is a similar situation where she’ll be happy to hear from you, whatever you say.

    3. That is so lovely. As someone who is recovering from a long illness, I’m sure she would appreciate a beautiful card with some words about how you have been thinking of her and wishing her well. I also liked hearing about my friends lives too, so if you haven’t been in contact for a few years perhaps a few sentences about you would be welcome too.

  2. Own them in this color (and many others), love them. The navy is surprisingly awesome.

  3. I have an odd question. Has anyone else noticed that suede wedges stretch terribly for them to the point of being unwearable? I have 3 different pairs (high end and low) where after a little while (less with cheaper shoes), the wedges won’t stay on my feet anymore because they become too wide at the middle of the foot. I suspect this problem may have to do with me having wider feet at the toe that get narrower at the ankle, but it’s still very frustrating. I’m reluctant to buy suede wedges now… Is it just me or is this a thing? Because these are really pretty and I want them . . . .

    1. Nope! The only pair of work heels I wear on a regular basis are suede wedges. But then, they have an ankle strap, so that obviates the whole “won’t stay on my feet anymore” problem.

  4. I bought these in nude patent and just a warning for the wide-of-foot – this shoe is not for us.

    1. I have only tried on a few pair of Cole Haan shoes, but I’ve found that true for each pair. It makes me sad because I really like so many of them!

      1. Have you tried the Air Tali? Specifically the regular leather with patent toe & bow version? They were too narrow at first so I almost gave up on them but they were so comfortable after a while! I even bought another color :)

        1. I’m not sure. I tried on a bunch at a store once. Maybe I’ll have to give them another shot in a wide version.

          1. The Medium (B) actually worked for me. I don’t think it’s available in Wide but I’ll keep an eye out. It’s this style – http://www . colehaan . com/colehaan/catalog/product.jsp?catId=100&productId=383812&productGroup=383813

      1. The wide offering is a lie. I find their medium fits like a narrow and their wide fits like a medium.

    3. I returned them too due to the same issue. I couldn’t even cram my poor feet into them!

  5. Anyone have any good breakup resources? Any books they found particularly helpful? Or any rituals/routines that helped?

    Thanks all

    1. I rely on my family when I broke up with Alan. They told me he was NO GOOD and lazy and that I was NOT missing anything when I broke up with him.

      They also reminded me how gassy he was, and that he never did the DISHES or the LAUNDRY, and that he vomited alot from drinkeing beer and wine and Rob Roy’s! FOOEY! Why did a pretty and smart gal EVER go out with a sloppy drunk like him, who peeed on the floor all the time, they said. Once they told me this, I was NOT sad that he was NO longer there in my life. YAY!

    2. Immediately destroying/throwing away everything associated with the person I was breaking up with – emails, keepsakes, even some gifts etc – AND putting myself on a 4 week ban from contacting that person, no matter how much I wanted to. I’d allow myself to read past emails and stuff once and have a good cry if I needed it, but I made myself throw or delete or destroy everything away. Not contacting someone was much harder but one day at a time helped. Good luck with this!

      1. I strongly second the no contact rule. After dealing with moving out of our apartment and closing the joint checking account, I cut off all contact and haven’t looked back. It’s so hard, but choosing to believe that he dropped off the face of the earth made it so much easier to move on. I still obviously get upset when I find cards from him buried in stuff, but I think I could not have moved on at all if I kept in touch with him.

        Also, defriending him and all of his friends immediately on FB was a GREAT start–no possibility of online stalking him to see how quickly he moved on. Then I didn’t even need to be mad at myself for losing self-control and doing it, because I COULDN’T do it.

    3. Journaling – writing out my rantings and ravings and bad feelings, and in some cases including drawings. It was good to get it all out, but not something I’d feel comfortable sharing with a friend.

      1. I even went so far as to buy a guided journal (i.e. with prompts) to help me get it all out on the page (link below). It was really quite helpful and I highly recommend having prompts to help you process your feelings. Now that it’s been a few months, I just journal without any specific prompts, but the guide was great for the first few weeks.

        http://www.amazon.com/The-Breakup-Workbook-Common-Getting/dp/0615279732/

        Also, joined a gym to give me some healthy brain-free time every day.

    4. I highly rec’d “It’s Called a Breakup because it’s Broken,” by Greg Behrendt. It is full of sound advice and got me through a tough breakup several years ago.

    5. I liked (didn’t love) “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.” It wasn’t like a miracle cure but it was kind of entertaining and somewhat helpful.

      Second the suggestion to journal. Also see a therapist if that’s something you’re comfortable with. I wish I had starting seeing a therapist right away instead of talking about the break-up/guy non-stop to my friends for a month. They were mostly cool with it but it made me feel pathetic, whereas the therapist is paid to sit there and listen to me, and gave better feedback than my friends, anyway.

      Also, join the c-rette fb dating group if you’re venturing back out into the dating world! We’d love to have you! It’s a secret group so no one will see you’re in it.

      1. I liked (didn’t love) “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.” It wasn’t like a miracle cure but it was kind of entertaining and somewhat helpful.

        Second the suggestion to journal. Also see a therapist if that’s something you’re comfortable with. I wish I had starting seeing a therapist right away instead of talking about the break-up/guy non-stop to my friends for a month. They were mostly cool with it but it made me feel pathetic, whereas the therapist is paid to sit there and listen to me, and gave better feedback than my friends, anyway.

        Also, join the [this site] fb dating group if you’re venturing back out into the dating world! We’d love to have you! It’s a secret group so no one will see you’re in it.

        1. How do I find the fb dating group? I will eventually be venturing back out and would love some company!

          1. Hi there…i’m on the group and trying to figure out how to direct you. Check back again later! The group is very awesome and supportive, and I’d be lost without it!

          4. Thanks DC Association – but it’s not working for me. Every time I click on the link, I get an error message telling me I don’t have permission to view this page (bonus – I guess we know it really is a secret group!)

    6. – Friends episodes while you fall asleep so you don’t have to be alone with your thoughts. Plus they’re funny
      – Throwing yourself into work and keeping as busy as possible. A limited amount of time for feeling down (ie, if I get everything done, I have 20min to be bummed right before bed. But that’s it, that’s all I get)
      – Making a boy box (whatever, I am Rory Gilmore) and putting all of the ex’s stuff in there and putting it away
      – Zero contact for at least a little while
      – Phish Food ice cream
      – This spoken word poem — http://www.ourstage.com/media_items/LRPWJNNMYCBG-it-will-pass

      Sorry you are going through this! If I remember right, though, it sounds like it is for the best. Sending good vibes your way.

    7. Crying, watching Sex and the City even though I hate that show, and keeping myself busy with friends, projects, and hobbies.

    8. The only thing that got me through my last major breakup was to, every time the urge to call him and beg/sob/plead/whatever came upon me, make the bargain with myself that before I called I had to: 1. take a walk with my dog, leaving my cell phone behind; 2. read three articles on Baggage Reclaim (google it, thanks for the rec long-ago [reader of this website]); and 3. write a letter saying everything I wanted to say to him in that moment. And if I still wanted to call him after all of that, I could, but I never did.

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is so hard.

    9. Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon.

      I guess that is my version of “Friends”.

      But seriously, I am sorry to hear that this is what has happened, even though I know it has been heading this way for a while. Get some exercise, get lots of fresh air and try something new and exciting.

    10. Thanks ladies. I feel like I’ve been draining the resources of both this site and my friends with my relationship drama over the past couple months. I am sad but do feel like this is the only way things could go at this point. Full disclosure – things aren’t officially over (we’re waiting until we see each other in 3 weeks to get some closure) but I am finally accepting the finality of this, even though I’ve been fighting it for a while.

      I’m going to let myself wallow with copious amounts of wine/ice cream this week, and then get off my butt, get back to the gym and read “its called a breakup because it’s broken”

      Also a big shoutout to JessC – she commented on one of my posts last week with her situation that sounded eerily similar to mine and that helped me realize that even though I feel we’re compatible in a lot of ways, he can’t be the partner I want, need or deserve and it’s time to move on.

      Thanks again ladies. I know I maybe sounded flighty or pathetic lately but I don’t think I could have reached this point without the support of this community.

    11. I loved the book, “The Wisdom of a Broken Heart” by Susan Piver. She speaks from experience and the book is so compassionate on how to heal, and how to move on.

  6. Somehow I have a pair of your pants on, circa One Day at a Time. #needafull-lengthmirror

  7. I love this shoe. I own it in a black patent and in a bone patent. It is slightly less comfortable than some other CH shoes because of the very low dips at the side of the forefoot (am I describing that right?), but it breaks in nicely, and I wear them all the time. I love the navy suede, but alas, it’s sold out in my size 10.5. I may go for the black kid though as a nice alternative over black patent.

  8. Hi Kat – the comment counter is not updating for me. I am using Chrome and have cleared cookies, etc and it will say no comments on the posts (or Leave a Comment), even though several people have already writte something

    1. Hmmn. I’m going to turn off all of the plugins except for the one that I think is causing the problem — will you please keep an eye on it and tell me if it is fixed?

  9. Have these in two colors, love them. Word to the wise though–they run narrow in the toe. Go a half size up, unless you can find them in a wide.

    1. Ditto. I got them in a half size bigger and added a no-slip heel cushion. Voila. Also, I lurve this shoe. Bought it in both eggplant and yellow patent a couple years ago.

  10. I have these shoes in creamy color and they are super comfortable for long days! And I created to outfit sets with them in my blog few weeks ago,! what a coincidence! ;)

  11. As a follow-up to last week’s Princeton mom discussion, for those of you have met your spouse outside of college/grad school, how did you know they were “the one” and that marriage was the right decision? Does anyone have a successful marriage where you didn’t “click” immediately or don’t “click” at all? It is possible for a relationship to work when two people love each other but have different interests, communication styles, etc?

    1. Maybe it’s like this: if you met married someone when you were 65, you’d look for day-to-day compatibility. At that point, you know who you are (and you’ve probably kissed some toads). You want someone who treats you well, someone you look forward to seeing at the end of the day.

      At 18 or 22 or 25, you’re still gestating your future self. If I had settled down at 18 (I remember when Seventeen magazine had the spring wedding issue), I might not have felt as free to make the college and beyond educational choices that I made (let alone the geographic moves that entailed). And because I was still in school, that went for 22 and 25 for me, too. Fast forward a decade and I wasn’t so much interested in someone’s resume as I was the rest of him. Was he a good person? A hard worker? How did he treat me?

      And that’s what I’d want for my daughters: a good person who treats her well. The rest is just details.

    2. I’m engaged to someone I met on Match after law school. It took a couple of dates for us to click, but we clicked pretty hard about a month in and moved in together after dating for about 10 months. We have many different interests but enough shared interests that we don’t lack for common ground conversationally. I am much more social than he is, and I hang out with my own friends frequently, and he is fine with that. I think there are ways to be different but compatible. If you are different and incompatible, like if my fiance really wanted me to be home watching sports with him all the time, then that would be a different story.

      1. Oh, and to answer your question about how I know marriage is the right thing, the thing I rely on most in the decision is how we have handled conflict as a couple. I feel comfortable disagreeing with him or telling him when he bothers me or hurts my feelings, and he reacts in a constructive, non-defensive way when I do tell him that and then changes his behavior. I try to do the same for him. Also, we have worked well as a team on things like searching for an apartment, buying furniture, and taking care of our pet. He also supported me through a very stressful, time-intensive period at my job. These things tell me that we are equipped to handle the challenges that life will undoubtedly send our way.

    3. There are probably plenty of people in your school / program who have different interests and communication styles than you. Even I were to look around at the conferences I go to (BIGLAW partners, I-bankers, etc.), some of us are more compatible than others. Maybe it’s harder to meet really awesome people in other areas, but you meet people in more areas of your life than just work. If you are compatible where you meet, maybe focus on that?

    4. I met my husband when we worked together- I was a summer intern, he worked full-time for the company. So we had the same job field, but went to different schools, were different ages, had entirely separate sets of friends, etc. (and no, I did not date him until after I stopped working there!). After I finished college I went into a slightly different aspect of the field, so we don’t even have the same job function anymore.

      We do have hobbies in common, which is how we became friends (biking, indie rock, cooking, the outdoors, etc). I imagine you would find this to be true anywhere- not just in the same college/grad school as you, people everywhere have things in common!

      I do understand the point of finding someone “like-minded” (high-achieving I guess?) but again, you can find those people outside of your exact school.

    5. I met my husband in a nightclub after I went to an elite lawschool. He is a little younger and less educated than I am and at first I thought it would just be a fling. I had planned to move to another city six months after we met. In the end he won me over and moved with me. We have different interests, but shared ones as well. We don’t feel that we have to do everything together and we compromise by occasionally taking part in each other’s preferred activities. Our communication styles are different. I am much more abrasive and hot-headed than he is, and I think that being with him has made me into a better person. It works for us. He is a hard-working, romantic, smart, conflict-averse, fun-loving person, and everyone who meets him, likes him. I feel like I pulled one over on the world and struck gold.

      I’ll admit that I did not read the Princeton divorcee’s entire article, but from what I read I disagree with her. She says that Princeton women should try to meet their husbands at Princeton because at Princeton there are a high concentration of men who are “worthy” of them. She also says that she had a more luxurious education than her ex-husband of over 20 years and it was a source of tension between them. I disagree that a prestigious education is what necessarily makes one worthy of another with such an education. I think that if you decide to marry a man who is less educated or has a less prestigious education than you do, it is time to get over yourself and your resume and accept that the person you marry is as valuable and worthy as you are. If you can’t, then you should not marry him. Why would you want to limit yourself to such a narrow pool of potential husbands? After all, there is a small number of eligible Ivy League men who are attractive and not a$$holes. I’m not saying that Princeton women should not be open to meeting Mr. Right in college. I’m saying that they should be open to meeting him out of college, too.

    6. I did not meet my husband at grad school or college; I met him at a wedding. He is in a completely different field than I – medical consulting vs. law – and we have utterly different communication styles. He is somewhat less educated than I am, though we both have college degrees and graduate degrees (I have two; he “only” has one). We’ve been married for seven years.

      The idea that an Ivy League grad is somehow more deserving of a “better” kind of spouse is so elitist and egotistical that it makes me laugh. Here’s what I look(ed) for in a man: respectfulness, kindness, intelligence, sense of humor, and physical attraction. None of those things are more or less likely in an Ivy League grad.

      How did I know he was the right guy? I just did. We met at the wedding, couldn’t stop talking, kept talking through email and the phone (it was a long-distance relationship for a little while), and the moved in together and got married. We’ve had some difficulties, including being separated, because of our differing communication and argument styles. But after a couple years of therapy, we very rarely fight.

      In college, I was still a proto-Praxidike. Even in law school that was true. I am lucky that my post-law school maturation dove-tailed with his and that we remained compatible. I wouldn’t recommend anyone marrying their college or grad school sweetheart until several years in the workforce because I feel like being out of the educational bubble changes our priorities and our personalities, but that’s just me.

      1. AMEN! very well put… We are fluid beings. God help me if I had married my college boyfriend and been stuck with him. Nothing wrong with that if it works for you but I was such a different person then.

        1. Presumably if you marry young, you both direct your flows in the same direction, to cause yourselves to grow together. People say “we grew apart” as if there was nothing they could do about it but honestly, don’t we all make decisions every day about the direction we want to grow in?

    7. I think it depends on the person. I have friends who really like that their SO is in a similar field. E.g., they really appreciate that they can talk shop, use industry shorthand, attend some events together, have someone who understands the pressure and crazy hours and the lack of predictability, etc. Others I know would be miserable dating, say, another lawyer and appreciate being involved with someone totally different. I think you have to figure out what your needs and wants are and what kind of relationship would work best for you.

      1. I’m a lawyer married to a lawyer, and I feel both of these ways sometimes! Mostly I just want my husband to remember that while it’s great that we *can* talk shop, we do not *have* to talk shop:)

  13. I love CH wedges but these did not work for me. The low side made my foot like wide.

  14. How many dates do you give it to feel a spark?

    I’ve been out with a guy twice. He hits all my boxes in terms of what I’m looking for (if people should even have checklists is debatable, I know, but I guess I do), and he’s really nice. Even more than that – on both our dates, we’ve had great conversation. Honestly, it’s been really great and both times, I was happy that I went. He was easy to talk to, very smart, very respectful and we got to talk about some really cool stuff. Basically, the conversation just flowed super easily, which doesn’t always happen on dates.

    But I’m just not sure I’m attracted to him s*xually. On our second date he kissed me (very briefly) — but it was so brief, it was outside in the freezing cold, and I’m just not sure if I felt anything. Then again, maybe s*xual attraction is something that can grow, if he’s a really nice guy and we have really great conversation? Maybe I should give him a couple more dates?

    I’m not sure if it’s something where if it’s not there at the beginning, it won’t be there, or if it’s something that might slowly kindle if the guy is otherwise a good match for me.

    1. I tend to think it’s more about the time you’ve gotten to know someone rather than the dates you’ve been on. With online dating, it took me more than a few dates to really find out–so much pressure in the beginning. That said, you can’t force these things!

    2. I’d give it a couple more dates. If you basically find him physically attractive (even if you’re not sure you’re s*xually attracted to him right now), then I think there is a reasonable possibility you will find him s*xually attractive if you give it another couple of dates. But if you think his body or face is terrible and you hate looking at him, then it’s probably not going to happen.

    3. I went through this with my boyfriend. It took several dates before we had a real kiss and I was nervous about not feeling strongly attracted to him even though in all other respects he was what I was looking for. Although it started slowly, it was definitely no longer an issue after our 5th or 6th date when we finally both let our guards down and started feeling a lot more comfortable with each other. I think that attraction can grow as you get to know someone.

    4. I’m grappling with this myself as I’ve recently started dating again. With my ex, even though I really, REALLY liked him at first, our first kiss was kind of awkward (on a street corner) with no sparks, and I was surprised. It took a couple of more dates before I felt good about kissing him, and honestly, it took quite a while longer before the s-x was great (this was also because we had some issues figuring out the right kind of BC). However, once we got there, it was amazing.

      BUT, now when I’m dating new people, I try to listen to myself. If I really have no interest in the person kissing me, then we’re probably not going to find a spark later down the road. It’s sad as I’ve met several people who would make great boyfriends (not just in general, but for me, in terms of shared interests, interesting conversations and fun times), but it’s just not there. The hard thing is knowing when to call it quits and when to keep giving it “one more date to see.”

    5. I really overlooked attraction in my last LTR. The guy was kind, funny, tall, handsome, but we really weren’t compatible sexually. I sort of went along with it, because everything else was great, until I met someone that I was super attracted to (and he was to me) and I knew that I couldn’t do it anymore. Its not something I’m proud of, and I would have saved both of us a lot of heartache had I been honest with myself in the beginning, instead of hiding those reservations as silly or shallow.

      This is going to sound totally bizarre, but it comes down to basic body chemistry. Its probably a little soon for you to get your hands on a t-shirt he’s worked out in, but maybe you guys could do a hike as a date. Then see if he smells “good” (not like shower/cologne good, but sweaty boy good vs “eww, you need to shower or I can’t be near you). I’ve read though, that birth control can really throw thisoff. Because it tricks your body into thinking its pregnant, you instinctively are attracted to those with similar genes to your own so that you have familiar people around to protect your child. No birth control, nature selects those with very different genes than you, in order to limit genetic defects. I haven’t independently researched this though, so it might be an old wives tale…

      I say, give it another shot or two if you’re unsure, but don’t settle because everything else is good on paper/he’s a nice guy. The chemistry is important.

      1. I had a college professor who did phernome research and he said basically the same thing; that humans seek out mates with different genes/immune responses to give offspring broader immune protection. Another thing I realized when dating DH is that how someone kisses can depend on personal preference and style. I wasn’t wowed by him at first, but as we adapted to one another, things got much better.

        1. I very much believe in this (the scientific reasons), mostly because it is so inexplicable and doesn’t follow logic or reason. it’s just there.

        2. I agree: one can change how his kisses to adjust for personal preferences, so if you’re attracted to someone but the kissing part is awkward or weird, then give some instructions, or just take charge. But seriously, see how he smells to you. My former BF, I could not snuggle up with him or have LGPs unless he had showered within the last few hours. Its not that he stunk as in BO, there was just something about it that was repulsive to me (I know, awful, right?). My current SO can do a full day of work outside in the Army (hot, heavy gear), and come home and I would get him out of that uniform for an LGP in a heartbeat.

          I agree with Granola- there is no logic or reason to it, and there doesn’t seem to be anything you can do to alter it. Its what mother nature is saying is a good match for you. I tried to fight it and lost…

    6. Give it a few more dates. It took until about 4-5 dates for “the spark” to show up with my now BF of 2+ years, but when it did, it was totally worth waiting for. Now I think he’s one of the most handsome guys I’ve ever seen, and I’m wildly attracted to him. It just took a little while for it to “click” for me, for whatever reason.

    7. I was not really attracted to my husband at all when I first met him, he wasn’t my “type.” As we got to know each other better, his sense of humor, intelligence, caring nature, etc. got sexier and sexier. By the time we finally got together – a year after we met – oh, yeah. There were sparks. So, give it some time. The expectation that a good partner will set off fireworks from the get-go is a base fabrication perpetuated by the mass media, mainly movies based on Nicholas Sparks books. It’s just not realistic. I have several friends married to men who didn’t make their spine tingle on the first or second date, and they have the happiest marriages.

  15. Does anyone know anything about what your office is required to do to mitigate construction noise from an adjacent site? The level of construction noise in my office is almost intolerable, and it’s only the beginning of a very long, extensive construction project in the lot next to ours (think 5 years). I’m not sure what to do about it without asking for my office to be moved to another part of the building, and I think that wouldn’t go over well in my department. Thanks for any thoughts–particularly interested in what sort of accommodations they’re required to make.

    1. I think the only requirement would be an OSHA requirement on maximum level & duration of noise.

      See table G-16 here:
      http://www.osha.gov/pls/oshaweb/owadisp.show_document?p_table=standards&p_id=9735

      If it does exceed that level, all they’re required to do is provide you PPE (i.e., ear plugs or other hearing protection) and require that you wear it. Oh, yeah, they also have to offer periodic hearing tests.

      There’s no requirement that you have a quiet place to work.

    2. I don’t know what an office is required to do. However, if the noise is impacting you and it is expected to continue for a long time, it’s probably adversely impacting other people too. Would your employer consider installing a sound masking system? Something like cambridgesoundmanagement [dot] com?

    3. Call in a noise complaint in case the construction site is violating their permit?

      1. +1

        you can also see if your building has any sort of arrangement with the site next door that governs these things. also keep in mind that some parts of construction (demo, driving piles) are much louder than others (welding, interiors), so there is some hope for the future…

    4. Belated thanks to everyone! I emailed our building manager–there were a bunch of guys in hard hats and suits measuring things today so hopefully they’ll figure something out. I was losing it!

  16. Have any of you successfully used the “Rules”? You know, the ones by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider? Do you think the “Rules” book still applies in today’s dating world? I think I’m dating wrong, and I wonder whether this book would help. Reviews on Amazon either love it or hate it.

    1. I’m not even kidding when I say that my favorite dating book is He’s Just Not That Into You. I thought it was excellent.

      1. All shame aside, I agree wholeheartedly with this. The Rules seems dated and more about playing games than anything else.

      2. I liked that one and “Why Men Love B!tches” – some of it was totally out there and ridiculous but the overall premise of the book (be your own person & have your own, awesome independent life/don’t drop everything for the new guy you’re dating) was spot on.

    2. I read it. I think it’s a great guide if you think sex is something women give to or withhold from men in order to trick them into a commitment. It’s also good if you believe all men are X and all women are Y all the time. If you are looking for an honest, respectful relationship between individuals who view each other as equals, it’s not for you.

    3. I’ve read selections from it and it seemed mostly like ways to modify your own behavior to appear pleasing to a man. I wasn’t a fan.

    4. “The Rules” is great if you’re looking to “trap” a man. Or if your only goal is a wedding. It’s not so great if you want to have a relationship with a partner.

      But it is very, very funny.

  17. @Meg Murry–thanks for your input this morning. I have now sent my reply email, so we’ll see what additional fruit it may bear.

    On-topic for once: I have these shoes many times over–they’re my work shoe every day. Interesting that others with wide feet say they don’t fit well, as this isn’t my experience.

  18. Going anon for this. I could use some advice, perspective, direction…even a hug would be welcome.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for close to a year, and recently he brought up the subject of moving in together. We have a great relationship, spend most nights together, and we’ve had more than one conversation about our feelings on marriage/kids, so we know we have a mutual desire to keep our relationship progressing in that direction.

    Here’s my issue. My boyfriend owns his own home and I do not. At first glance, it would make the most sense for me to move into his home. However, his house is a huge problem for me. He bought it thinking he could flip it, but the housing market crashed shortly after he bought the house, and he never actually took any steps towards fixing it up knowing that flipping it would no longer be an option. Now the house is upside down, his mortgage is way too high to consider renting it out (the monthly loss would be too much of a burden), and even if he could refinance to get the payment lowered somewhat, he still wouldn’t have the cash at hand for the renovations the house needs to make it even somewhat presentable. It’s not that he doesn’t make decent money. He does. But he’s spent all these years pouring all of his money into this sinking ship, so to speak, so there’s just not much left over to work with.

    So what do I do? Move into his house and use my money to make the renovations? Not thrilled with the idea of this when, number one, we aren’t married and it’s not my house, and number two, no matter how much is done to fix up this house, it would still never be a house I would pick for myself or feel comfortable in. I would also add, the idea of moving into this house, even with the goal of fixing it up, causes me huge anxiety. I know myself, and I know my need to have a clean, uncluttered, peaceful, comfortable living space. It’s a big deal for me.

    Frankly, I think he should consider a strategic default on his mortgage. I know that is a hotly contested issue, and that’s not really something I want to debate here, except I do recognize that, just like it would be unfair for him to ask me to fund the renovations, it would be unfair for me to ask him to make a financial decision that big.

    I feel like it’s a catch-22. We both feel like we want to keep our relationship progressing, and the next logical step would be moving in. However, our options are such that doing so would call for a major sacrifice from one of us, and those sacrifices are a pretty incredible thing to ask of someone that you’re not married to.

    We’ve been kind of dancing around the issue for the past couple months and have finally decided to set aside some time this week to lay it all out on the table. I really do love this man, and I’m hoping we are able to work this out. I don’t fault him for the position he’s in and understand how he got there. We both came up through the school of hard knocks and had to learn a lot of life’s lessons the hard way.

    Thanks in advance…

    1. Sorry, can I ask a question (it’s not really related to your problem, I’m more just curious) – when someone strategic defaults in the US, are they not required to repay the deficit?

      I’m pretty sure that’s how it goes in Canada, so even if your mortgage is more than the value of the property, if you default, you’re responsible to pay the difference between the mortgage and what the property sells for…at least as far as I know that’s how it works here?

      1. It’s a fair question. I know quite a few people in my area who went the strategic default route — our area’s real estate market was one of the worst hit by the crash. I’m not sure if this is the correct term, but our state is a non-recourse state, so the worst consequences are to your credit score and ability to get a loan for the next 3-7 years.

        Like I said, I know it’s a hot issue, and not a decision I think anyone should take lightly….

    2. You’re currently okay paying your rent and want to move in with him for romantic rather than financial reasons, correct? If so, have him move in with you and rent his house. Even at a loss, it reduces his cost assuming that you’d be paying the same in rent that you are now. He could even put the difference toward remodel work or savings for equity on a new home. Either way, it gets you living together but out of responsibility for financing his remodeling. It also sounds like you simply wouldn’t be happy in the home, which is also important.

      To answer your initial question, don’t finance a boyfriend’s home remodeling. I am a strong believer in merging finances and thinking as a team – but that’s for married folk. Don’t do it before a life together is final. Before we married, I helped my husband pay off his debt and we bought a home together (both names on mortgage) – but we have very clear and definite plans to marry, not just a ‘oh, we can see it someday down the road.’

      2. Oh, Hoola, thank you. I’ve run all of the different possibilities through my mind a million times and have been weighing the positives and negatives with all of them. I had ruled out the possibility of him moving in with me because it would mean that we would be paying for two houses, but you are so right. Getting together under one roof is the most important thing. I wouldn’t even mind moving into a different rental house, one that he and I both pick out together. Either way, that leaves us free to enjoy this part of our relationship and saves those much bigger decisions for down the road, if and when we are ready for it.

        Thank you so much for the perspective — and for the hug, anon! I appreciate it! I so wish I could just relax and enjoy this phase of our relationship!

        1. Another question to consider —

          Given his problem with this house, do you trust him to have good judgment in your future real estate and financial decisions together? It is a huge albatross around his neck and he put himself in that position.

          What if you two get married, have kids, buy a house that needs some repairs, your job keeps you too busy to handle the managing of the repairs and he never does anything in that direction?

        2. I am not being judgemental here, but info find it interesting that you say moving in together is the next logical step, but you are not ready to take major financial things on together because you aren’t married. There are plenty of people who never live together until they are married and it seems to work fine.

          The other thing I noticed in your post is what you said about needing a calm, uncluttered space. Married or not, that sounds to me like a huge thing to work out before living together. Is it going to be your responsibility to keep the entire house in order, will you have a calm retreat room or will be have one room where he can just let loose and be a slob?

  19. With all the discussions of break ups and separations, I am curious to ask how many treat their marriage as “divorce is not an option”? Not judging anyone; my husband is completely wonderful and I can’t even imagine what it’s like being in a less ideal relationship or what (if anything) would be my breaking point. “If there is no going our separate ways, no finding someone else, and no ‘irreconcilable differences,’ all differences became reconcilable by default.” I’m sure everyone enters marriage with optimistic ideals so I struggle to understand how this breakdown happens.

    1. I’m getting married soon, and divorce will always be an option for me. In fact, I would never make this commitment if it were irrevocable. I have seen way too many women in my family trapped in unhappy and abusive marriages for way too long. I would, of course, take all possible steps to save my marriage, if it came to that, but I would never just resign myself to being in an unhappy marriage forever.

      1. I guess it’s the getting into an unhappy relationship with an abusive person part I don’t get. Admittedly I have a rather blessed life and walk around with rose colored glasses much of the time. Are these guys psychopaths who are manipulative enough to act normal until they fool you into marrying them, then let their true colors shine? Are most relationships ended over abuse or apathy?

        1. Life is long and unpredictable. People change. And if my husband became apathetic to me and our relationship, that would be just as much of a deal-breaker as if he hit me.

        2. Not everyone is well equipped, for a variety of reasons, to decide that some they’ve invested in is not worthy of them.

        3. people can become emotionally abusive through pain and trouble of their own (this is not an excuse, but it is a reason). my parents were in a great marriage for most of my life, but my father became pretty emotionally abusive for a few years and my mom divorced him (whcih I am grateful for). he is not a bad person, but he is a person who was not fair and did not treat her well for a long period of time. we have a strained but recovering relationship, and I don’t see the world as black and white, but I do know if I were in my mother’s old position I hope I would have the strength and option to leave.

        4. I did a group project for a women and children’s shelter in university. The staff told us that in the case of a lot of their residents, the emotional and physical abuse didn’t start until after children were born.

    2. I don’t have anything to add, other than I hope more people respond to this. I struggle with this concept a lot. In my head, if (when?) I get married, it will be forever. But I am only one piece of the puzzle. It assumes that my chosen spouse will never be abusive (physically or emotionally), is a willing participant in the team and is willing to go the extra mile to make it work. I can only control my side of that. So its hard for me to say, yes, lets get married when I only want to do so if its forever, but that forever has basic presumptions attached to it, that I cannot control. Its a viscous cycle, really.

      I think the previous version of marriage, historically, has been an economic decision, and many spouses were left to find other means of emotional and social interaction. Whereas now, we expect marriages to meet all of our human interaction needs: emotional, financial, s*xual, friendship, etc. I haven’t decided if this is realistic or not. Or whether I would settle for less than that and find the missing pieces elsewhere. I think I’m more inclined to have 20 cats and call it good :)

      1. That is what “not being an option” means for us – that you don’t punt on the work required to make this work and to be happy, either on the relationship or on your self. Provided its not a deal-breaker, for eg.. domestic abuse – it is choice to do the work…. we agreed up front, not just in our vows, but very specifically, to do the work. Its not always easy, and sometimes you flat out make decisions you don’t like, but sometimes you put the marriage above the individual…..

    3. We do. We have a few non-negotiables, but otherwise, divorce is not an option, its a last resort.

    4. Hmm. I guess I never think of it being an option, if that makes sense. We do the work to keep our marriage strong and I can’t see that changing…I see us being like our grandparents, married for 50+ years.

      If DH suddenly changed and became abusive or a serial cheater, then I would rethink things, but as it is, no.

    5. My best friend’s father had a huge health emergency (that nearly killed him). He has done insufficient physical therapy because of his own issues. His anger at his partial incapacitation has made him turn from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.

      His horrible to my friend’s mother, horrible to her sister and brother, and horrible to her. Everybody in that family fears and hates him, and the children have all failed to try to get him into therapy. Their only hope now is to get their Mom into therapy. Some of the children in the family want their Mom to divorce their Dad. But after 30yrs of marriage, and some traditional ideas, she’s loath to do so, but he makes her every day a living hell with an incessant stream of demands and verbal abuse. People sometimes change despite themselves.

      1. This is where it gets REALLY messy. “For better, for worse, in sickness and in health.” The guy spends 30 years of his life being a good husband, has some health issue that (I assume he can’t help) changed his mental state, and that is an excuse for divorce? At the same time, its awful that the wife would have to endure emotional abuse of that nature… I suppose if the health issues are purely physical limitations, and the mental/emotional outbursts are only a way to vent frustration about the physical limitations, then that might be acceptable grounds in that he can control his treatment of her, and is just choosing not to. That is a really tough scenario and I feel for your friend.

    6. I thought marriage was for life. My fiancé came to visit me in the US. When his visa waiver ran out after 3 months, he was supposed to go back to Germany & wait for an interview for a fiancé visa there. Seemed crazy & we wanted to be together, so we got married. He felt trapped in the US, got very depressed, & left me very suddenly. I was devastated for several months. It was the start of my own pattern of depression.

  20. I’m going to San Diego in early May for a four day corporate leadership business training. The dress code is business casual. Any recommendations for what I should bring?

    1. Southern California is more casual than the NE, so separates and color is more acceptable. Bare legs and shoes with open toes or heels are also more common. I highly recommend getting c—tails on the beach to watch the sun set, and packing sunscreen and sunglasses. Also, the air is dry, so you may want a thicker lotion if you live in a more humid climate.

      Enjoy your trip!

  22. have these in taupe leather. i cant seem to break them in despite wearing them several times. i dont have wide feet at all but i get horrible blisters in these shoes. bummer cole haan.

    1. Arg, I didn’t think the FB frame would carry over. It’s an article called “How not to say the wrong thing” in the LA Times

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