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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 191 Comments · by

Tuesday’s TPS Report: Nora Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Club Monaco Nora JacketOoh: pretty! Zippers seem to be a new trend with blazers — I don't hate them, but I suspect this is the kind of thing where one blazer-with-weird-zippers is all you need. I love the color here, the cool folds/pleats, and the general modern vibe. It's available at Club Monaco in blue, red and “natural” for $249. Nora Jacket
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Comments

  1. Diana Barry

    I hate this for real life – sorry, it’s the blue! and the exposed gold zippers! gah! – but I think I would like to wear the red (orange?) one for my lawyering job IN THE FUTURE. :)

    • TCFKAG

      I love a good blazer as much as the next girl – and I like zipper detailing on leather jackets or other casual jackets (though I prefer that they actually be functional). But I find it really odd how these zippers just go out in a completely random line at your waist and serve no purpose (I guess they create a sort of peplum effect, but a belt or something could do that better). Plus can the blazer be buttoned?

      This is just a little too weird for me – and definitely too weird to spend $250 on.

      • hellskitchen

        This. The zippers seem very randomly placed. I do like moto jackets and blazers with vertical zippers because IMO they make the piece look leaner and sharper but these random zippers drooping out the waist just don’t make sense

      • Katie Anne

        I have a deep love of blazers, saw this at Club Monaco a couple weeks ago, and basically dropped everything I was carrying on the floor to try it on. You’re totally correct – the random placement of the zippers is awkward and weird. The thing fit me so unfortunately that even the shop girl just sort of gazed at me awkwardly and didn’t disagree when I said “NOPE!”

    • SAlit-a-gator

      I remember seeing something like this at Target recently. I think its cute, but not for the office. I can see wearing this out at a fun happy hour with friends, but it’s a little flashy for the office. I do, however, have a ponte moto jacket that I wear to work, the difference is that the zippers are in more “expected” places.

    • cbackson

      This is the in look for the up and coming ambitious young Cylon lawyer. Lean in, cyborg ladies!

      • a passion for fashion

        I’m not even a little bit cyborg, but would totally rock this blazer. And when i did, you wouldnt think twice about it. I promise.

        • cbackson

          6 was all about the jewel tones.

          Except when she was randomly wearing sort of Eileen Fisher flowy sweater-things.

        • cbackson

          Ha, I want to tell a story here about my misadventure with a dress that turned out to have a much lower back than I’d really realized but I can’t without totally outing myself. SIGH.

    • AIMS

      Diana, I am 1000% percent with you on the hate of that blue. I know it’s all subjective, but to my mind it is the most hideous color. Also, when I first clicked on this, I thought it was Greta Von Susstren. Nothing against GVS, but can’t get behind any blazer that made me think of that.

    • Bonnie

      I guess I’m in the minority but really like this jacket and the zipper placement. I would not wear it to court but would wear it on business casual days.

      • KC

        I’m on team interesting blazers (seriously, I might have a problem) and would wear this to my business casual office as well. I don’t like the styling with the collared shirt – the two elements seems to fight each other. But it would look cute over a dress or with a softer/less structured top.

        • Nonny

          Actually I have seen this blazer in real life and I have to say, I don’t think the model is modelling it very well, or that it’s been styled very well in the photo. In real life it’s not bad at all and it comes in a nice natural linen colour that could be great for the summer.

  2. In the Pink - Damsel in a Dress?

    So has anyone see this brand, Damsel in a Dress, in a USA store? It’s based in the UK. Great quality and fabrics…but it was a real pita to deal with the cargo co. calling me from NYC and wanting to put the duty charges on my cc.

    Nod and hugs and cookies to all the ‘r e t t e s in Canada!

    Thoughts and tips appreciated.

    Thanks to Stacy/Clinton for showing one of their products on last season’s What Not To … and creating such extreme lust in this fashionista that I had to have something made by this co.

    Sigh.

    • anon

      No, but I googled damsel in a dress, and got the damselinthisdress website. Definitely not the sort of dresses I would wear to work, lol.

      • In the Pink - Damsel in a Dress?

        I know … you have to find the UK site for Damsel IN A dress. What a pity, their items are so lovely.

        Not what you found, anon. roflol

        Thanks for trying though.

  3. Ellen

    I do like it, but think that it calls to much attention to my midriff, which, unfortuneately, is to noticeable b/c of all of the cupcake’s I have been eateing, Dad say’s. It has NOT stopped Robert from texteing and Philip from texteing and even David keep’s texteing. I realy think some thing is in the air OTHER then POLLEN b/c I am sneezeing also.

    The manageing partner is goeing to let my dad come by and have a look at the books with Frank, b/c Frank can expleain them better then the manageing partner, particulealarley about ACCRUEALS and thing’s like that, the manageing partner need’s FRANK’s expertise to go over this b/f my dad put’s down my partnership share. My dad STILL think’s he is financeaing the manageing partner’s 53 Foot Cabin Kruzer, but we will all go for an outing on the boat this summer, and Margie is buying it this month to get it in the water by MEMORIAL DAY! YAY!!!!

    Myrna told me that she saw Alan in a bar downtown yesterday after work. Can you beleive that guy is still drinkeing? I can, but it is NOT me who has to clean up after him any more. FOOEY! Evidentely he must be workeing down there b/c he was weareing a suit. Just what they need down there — another drunk CPA in a suit on Wall Street. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • TCFKAG

      Ellen – I thought that cupcakes were OUT and macaroons were IN. YoU should really be more trend-focused in your sweets of choice.

        • TCFKAG

          Ooh – now I want a tiny little bundt cake.

          Lets make whoopie pie the next cupcake. Because that’s a fun dessert to say.

          • Cb

            Me too! I had the lemon vanilla bundt from Magnolia’s in Chicago and I’m now determined to recreate it. I’ve smuggled mom’s bundt pan away in my suitcase- along with 4 or 5 pairs of new shoes. My dad is now convinced that they don’t have shoes in Scotland.

  4. Jamie

    Just got this blue pleated skirt from Banana Republic on sale, but I am clueless about how to wear it. What kind of top? What kind of shoes? All I can think is plain white top (maybe a scoop neck T?) and brown/tan pumps, but that’s so boring. There has to be something more interesting. Button-downs never work on me because of my chest, but otherwise I’m open to whatever kind of (sleeved, this is for work) top. Thoughts? I’m sure the crazy long link will get this kicked to moderation, but hopefully it will get through eventually:

    http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=326611&locale=en_US&kwid=1&sem=false&sdReferer=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26rct%3Dj%26q%3D%26esrc%3Ds%26source%3Dweb%26cd%3D1%26cad%3Drja%26ved%3D0CDYQFjAA%26url%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.bananarepublic.com%252Fproducts%252Fpleated-sweater-skirt-P326611.jsp%26ei%3DQpB2Ue7uD6-30gG5yYG4Bg%26usg%3DAFQjCNGCkPVuvoEZW2sQroEucyZpl6lNgw%26sig2%3D6dI6gz2RnbrOsQay7HX03Q%26bvm%3Dbv.45512109%2Cd.dmQ

    • Nancy P

      I think pale blue, light tan, pink, grey, or yellow would look great on top, or even a jewel tone. In terms of style, I agree that it should stay more on the simple side (sweater shell) so as not to compete with the pleats, but maybe I’m just not adventurous enough.

      Shoes — could go grey, nude, or navy.

    • Diana Barry

      Any kind of printed top would work as long as the fit is not too blousy – navy is a neutral! I would try a small print or a polka dot. :)

    • Merabella

      Depending on your coloring, I think an orange top with brown/cognac shoes would be gorgeous. I think you could also do all the colors that Nancy said would be perfect.

      If you want neutral shoes, I would stick with medium browns myself, but grey or nude would work. I would probably steer clear of navy – I think it reads too old. BUT I think it would look GORGEOUS with a bright color shoe – turquoise, red, orange, pink, prints. Navy is a neutral itself, so you could do a lot with it – especially if you are planning on wearing a more sedated shirt.

      • KC

        +1 for a bright shoe. I think this would be really cute with a 3/4 sleeve sweater and a statement shoe.

    • Bonnie

      I’m in moderation because of links, but that skirt would look great with a polka dot top and bright shoes.

    • anon in tejas

      I have a similar skirt from Talbots in a green. I think that the volume on the bottom is well matched with something more sleek on the top.

      with this color, I would suggest cream, black, lilac/lavender, pink, light blue/cerulian/robin egg, light yellow. those are what I would wear. I also would probably do grey or mushroom or taupe shoe.

    • hellskitchen

      I have a very similar skirt from Limited. It’s a silkier material but the style, color and length are same. When I wear it with a white top or tee, I treat the skirt like a neutral and wear a cardi in yellow or hot pink for a pop of color. Navy, white and yellow looks really good. I have also worn this with tops in deep emerald green, deep purple and scarlet red. Purple and navy is one of my favorite combinations. The Target lace top that someone linked here yesterday would look good with this skirt and it comes in a bunch of colors

    • NYC

      I have a skirt like this from Pendleton. I wear a basic sweater (3/4 length sleeve) on top that hits at the hip. Or a button down with a blazer also worked. I have not been able to wear a cardigan with it, for some reason. But maybe I don’t have the right cardigan.

    • Anonymous

      My dream top with this would be sleeveless or cap sleeved tan with small white polka dots.

    • Pumpkin

      I have a similar skirt from JCrew a few seasons ago– navy blue and pleated (but mine has tiny white polka dots). I love to wear it with brown pumps, a solid color top, and 2 long silver chains with light blue and red beads. As for which color top, my faves are coral/red-orange-ish, turquoise, kelly green, or light lavender. To sedate the outfit a bit you could throw on a cream/tan shell or sweater.

  5. Anon for this

    Weird that I’m going anon but I have eating healthily over the past two weeks and have lost 10 pounds! Really excited. I have a lot more to lose but it’s really working. And this is the least painful diet I’ve ever done. So there’s that. Anyway, good luck and encouragement to anyone else in the same position!

    • Also Anon

      any details you care to share? i am trying to lose 10 pounds and have cut my calories to 1200 a day. i use fitbit to track my calories in vs burned and try to make sure that i am burning more than i eat. i have been doing this for 2 weeks and havent noticed any significant changes.

      • Anon

        1200 is pretty low, depending on your current weight, and it could actually be sabatoging your ability to lose. 2 weeks, though, is not that long; typical weight loss is 1-2 lbs per week. i fluctuate 1-2 lbs over night sometimes

      • Merabella

        What kinds of foods are you eating on your 1200/day diet? Is 1200/day too little for your activity level? Sometimes I think eating slightly more food, but better quality – like fruits/veggies, whole grains, protein – not non-fat/artificial, is more effective.

        I am currently using a diet where I eat less sugar and more whole foods and I have had a lot of success – the number on the scale isn’t significantly different, but I’m in a different size (I’ve lost 4 inches on my waist), and my body fat percentage has dropped dramatically.

        • Also Anon

          thanks everyone! and congrats to the OP!!

          i am eating fruits, veggies, quinoa, brown rice, yogurt, and proteins like tofu, fish, and beans. pretty much nothing packaged/processed. the only excerice i am doing is walking, so im wondering if i should do some more intense activity..

      • NOLA

        Whether 1200 calories is too low is entirely dependent on metabolism. A friend of mine (who is in her early 60s, admittedly) went to an endocrinologist recently and was told that her baseline metabolism is 1300 calories so she has to drop to 1200 to lose anything. She has now lost 12 lbs. I don’t think I could sustain that. I’d be asking that doctor if there was anything I could do to boost my metabolism. But my friend has a lot of weird health issues so that could be a limiting factor.

        I’ve been on a quest to find food that is healthy and that I’ll actually want to eat. The last two weeks I’ve made salads that I’m loving. The first one was farro, green beans, asparagus and corn, with optional chicken added. This week I made lentils with chopped raw veggies and feta. So far, so good.

        • Equity's Darling

          I am all about salads. Once I realized that lettuce is an optional ingredient, I fell in love with them. I usually make a big batch on Sundays and then separate into tupperwares for lunch during the week.

          Last week was rice noodles, edamame, matchstick carrots/cucumber, bell peppers, cilantro/mint/basil, and sweet chili thai with ginger juice for dressing. This week, it’s basically a greek salad, with chickpeas and herbed tofu (extra olives, minimal feta…I love dairy, but dairy doesn’t love me), and I added in arugula on top. I also will do a black bean/corn one, quinoa tabbouleh, etc.

          • NOLA

            Those are great ideas! I could see myself using edamame, carrots, etc. and adding a touch of sesame oil. I use very little oil in my vinaigrette. I like the taste of red wine vinegar soaked into the grain and I just add a smidge of dijon. I’m thinking about black beans and corn as well. So many possibilities!

        • Cornellian

          Agreed. If you’re that interested, you can have your metabolism tested by a CO2 analysis which measures how quickly you convert oxygen and exert CO2, which apparently gives you a very accurate reading of your basal metabolism rate to work off of. If you’re tiny, not very muscular, and/or elderly, 1200 might not be enough to lose. If you’re taller, very strong, or very young, it may be way too low and causing your body to hold on to what it has.

          • Anon in NYC

            If I remember correctly, you’re in NYC, right? Any recommendations on where to get this done?

          • goldribbons

            I got this done at Nutrition Energy, which is not an endocrinologist practice but rather a nutrition expert. You can google them – they’re in midtown (57th & 5th/6th).

          • Anon in NYC

            Thanks, goldribbons! Did you find the information useful for losing weight?

        • Anon in NYC

          I’ve been using a lot more whole grains lately. For lunches I’ve been combining wheatberries with a ton of my favorite roasted veggies, chicken, and a miso-tahini dressing.

          For breakfast I’ve been cooking farro with cinnamon sticks and vanilla, and topping it with berries and unsweetened almond milk. It satisfies my need for cereal without any of the processed stuff that goes into commercial cereal, plus it keeps me full a lot longer.

          • NOLA

            That is such a great idea about the farro for breakfast! Sounds yummy. And I have found farro so filling. I really don’t like oatmeal so that could be a good alternative.

  6. Moop

    So, I may have my first ‘big’ interview — head of a department — in the next week or so. I’m currently in a similar role but have moved up through the ranks and either didn’t have to formally interview or interviewed with people I knew well and who knew me well and the job was pretty much mine.

    Any tips for interviewing at this level externally, with folks you don’t know or only know in passing or by reputation? I’m pretty nervous and any tips/advice would be appreciated. I know my stuff, the industry, the company, etc. but, impostor syndrome… you know? (Hopefully you don’t know.) Job is in NYC, banking, pretty male dominated.

    • Anonymous

      Remember it’s a two-way street. Approach it conversationally. If they’re jerks in the interviews, they’ll be jerks to work with.

      (Former investment banking analyst)

    • ss

      My experience of interviews to fill mid-level and up banking roles is that it’s a negotiation and a mutual exchange of information, rather than a straight pitch by either party. The hiring party is likely to be aware of what deals you’ve worked on, and is talking to you because they do similar work, or aspire to do so, and vice-versa.

      At this level, I like to see that a candidate is thinking commercially about revenue sources and competitive strengths, whether my buiness matches their aspirations and what they can bring to it. I’ve found it useful to ask about where the hirer sees their competitive standing, whether they have aspirations to improve it, what are the resources behind the effort, who they admire (or not) among their competitors and to pick up information about how they view the current shape of our industry.

      If ‘male dominated’ is a norm in your industry and you’ve already successfully made your way through the rank, there is no reason to think it is a special issue now. Chances are that skills which have brought you this far are already visible through your résumé and your conduct during the interview should just reinforce the message. Good luck !

    • Moop

      Thanks. This is good advice. I think reading Lean In (half way through and kind of only reading so I’ll know what everyone else is talking about) has made me paranoid, or hyper-aware of issues that I’m already aware of. My mantra has always been ‘work harder.’

  7. saucypants

    I have a totally frivolous TJ for shopping help. I’m looking for blouses with small patterns (either button-up or not) – I would love small polka dots or stripes, something like that. Has anyone seen anything like this? Thanks!

  8. Anon in Distress

    Going anon for this (regular reader, sometimes poster).

    Big fight with my husband last night. The details are less important than the fight. In the course of 10 minutes his fighting tactics included “f you”, “scr*w you” and rolling over and pretending to sleep while I was talking saying he doesn’t have time for this and he was tired. This has happened before. I decided that even in a fight I didn’t deserve that type of treatment, and slept (fitfully) in the guest bedroom.

    When I brought it up again this morning (figuring I had to address some of this BS in order to survive the day at work) he got mad at me saying that I was putting all the blame on him for the fight. I suggested we see marriage counselor and he refused. I have suggested this before. He calls them quacks. I want to see a counselor partially because I feel like we are not understanding each other, but partially because I want to tattle on him to someone – I know how that sounds, but I want someone else to tel him how out of line he is since hearing it from me is not convincing him. We have two young children who were basically being ignored during this discussion. He told me I can’t have a discussion like this in front of “his children,” then he told me I was a bad mom for doing so. He literally said “you are a bad mom.” I left the house crying.

    No idea what to do. Is it useful to do solo counseling (maybe I’m a huge b and don’t realize it…)? I just don’t even know where to start. I should have nipped this behavior in the bud years ago. Is it too late?

    • cfm

      I have said this before on this site- but the ven diagram between a$$hole husbands and men who think counselors are quacks has A LOT of overlap. I think solo counseling would be very useful. I think it is very disturbing that he would say those things to you. Would he ever yell at a friend or a coworker like that? Why would he save his very worst behavoir for his wife? He sounds like he has anger issues. I would start the counseling without him and proceed from there.

    • Anon

      Yes, definitely do solo counseling. It will be good to talk to someone and vent. Also, maybe there are things about yourself or how you deal with issues that need to change. You can’t force your husband to change his behvior, but you do have control of your actions and you can choose to handle situations the correct way.

      Whatever conflict you are dealing with needs to be discussed calmly and in a constructive manner. Saying things like “eff you” just is not helpful. My husband does that sometimes too, and it’s incredibly frustrating.

      Also, sending hugs. Fighting sucks especially when you have to try and get through a day at work.

    • Merabella

      I think you need to go to counseling on your own. You can work on your communication skills with your counselor/therapist.

      Not to sound harsh, but I don’t think having these conversations in front of your kids is a good idea. If you are going to have them, maybe set aside a time when you and your husband can get together alone and have the conversation without the kids in the room. And try to have conversations about how he makes you feel when he uses the passive aggressive tactics (like pretending to sleep) when you both aren’t in the heat of the fight, and when you have time to actually talk it out (not right before you leave for work).

      • Merabella

        re-reading this it sounded harsher than I wanted. I think going to counseling without your husband would be really beneficial for you because you say that you feel like the issues you two are having are coming up because of issues with communication. I think that counseling will really help with this. If he isn’t willing, at least you are doing all you can to work on it, and your counselor can help give you some tips on making your discussions with your husband more effective.

      • Anon in Distress

        I don’t disagree that these types of fights shouldn’t occur in front of the kids, but as long as the conversation is kept civil (I think it was on my side) and there is a make-up at the end, I don’t think it is terrible for them to see how conflict is handled. I think it is probably better for them to see a little conflict that gets resolved rather than watching their mom leave the house crying and/or having divorced parents….

        A serious thank you to everyone chiming in. He is a good person. He would never treat anyone else like this and he is a very good dad. But I feel as though he simply doesn’t like me.

        • Diana Barry

          Ehhhh…I would tend to err on the side of not fighting or strongly disagreeing in front of the kids. My parents never disagreed in front of us except for little things, and that model helped me a LOT growing up.

        • JJ

          This sounds a lot like the dynamic that my older sister has in her marriage. The husband is a good dad and treats other people well, but he is borderline verbally/emotionally abusive when he argues with my sister. So she stays married to him because he’s nominally a good guy, but the two boys are growing up believing that this is a normal relationship and it’s apparently ok to treat women that way. (He also believes counselors are “quacks.”)

          Not saying you have these issues, but I’ve seen where things can lead if you don’t nip these things in the bud. I’ve had plenty of arguments with my husband where we say things we regret in the heat of the moment, but I can honestly say that he would never say I’m a bad mom and I would never say he’s a bad dad. It strikes me as very unhealthy for things to go down like that, and I would strongly encourage solo counseling. If you continue going alone and things change even a little bit for the better, maybe in time your husband will agree to come along for at least a session or two.

          • Anonymous

            This is my parents’ marriage as well. It has become a million times worse since my father retired, the kids left the house, and my mother got sick of bending to his will.

        • Anonymous

          I completely agree that his language was not appropriate for speaking to his spouse. However, I know from personal experience that I get a lot more agitated when my husband brings up legitimate gripes at certain times than others. For instance, at bedtime. It’s not an excuse for crappy behavior, but if the same conversation can happen peacefully at another time, that is a much easier path to resolution. Can’t tell what from you’ve said if that’s an option here.
          Also, I don’t think that anything but the most innocuous parental disagreements should happen in front of the kids if it is at all avoidable. And both parties agreeing that “we’ll discuss this later” is how to avoid it.

        • NYC

          Everyone has good advice, as per usual. I’ve also found that my hubby can get defensive when we first start a fight and his reasonability plummets when he is on the defensive. If I give him even a few minutes to simmer down, he is much more reasonable. I also think certain times of day are worse than others for fighting (right before bed and first thing in the morning seem to be particularly bad, which is when you said these two conversations happened). It is hard to find a “good” time to fight, especially when you are both working and have kids around. But I would try to bring up couples counseling at another, more neutral time. It sounds like you guys could work on how you fight, not just whatever you are fighting about.

          Good luck.

    • Diana Barry

      His behavior is not OK, not even remotely!!! Solo counseling for you will help, yes, BUT –

      – if he is saying F you, calling you a bad mom, etc.;
      – if these fights continue and his behavior does not improve; and
      – if he refuses to go to counseling;

      then his behavior won’t change, and my advice is to DTMFA. Sorry, this sounds awful!

      Also, please try to insulate the kids as much as possible – if he is calling you names in front of them, remove yourself and them from the situation, do not engage.

      • JessC

        This. It doesn’t matter that he’s the nicest guy to his friends and a great dad, if he speaks to the woman he promised to love, honor, and cherish, in that manner then he’s NOT a nice guy. There’s NO excuse for him to speak to you like that. Get yourself to counseling, figure out how you can best respond to his behavior and difuse the situations when the kids around. If I were you, I’d start considering my exit strategy.

      • DTMFA, of course.

        I wondered how long it would take before someone told her to DTMFA. Not that long, it turns out.

    • cbackson

      I typically think that if you’re asking about doing solo counseling, it’s worth it. In almost any couple situation, there are individual issues and there are issues of the couple’s dynamic, and they feed into each other. It’s not about finding out if you’re a huge b and don’t know it; it’s about helping you identify your expectations and needs and to talk to someone who’s not invested in your relationship about the problems that you’re facing.

      I totally get the desire to “tattle”; a couples counselor isn’t going to give you what you need in that regard. But your solo counselor will listen to you vent and help you work through the feelings you’re dealing with.

      • n.

        I agree with this — to me it sounds like he is out of line, but a couples counselor is not going to take sides and adjudicate on who is right and wrong, because doing so would alienate one half of the couple that they’re trying to help. Individual counseling would certainly be helpful, both to vent and to come up with better strategies for how you’ll respond to his behavior, how and when to approach topics that cause conflict, how to set limits and boundaries for yourself, etc. It would also be useful to have someone else help you figure out if you’re done or if you want to stay with him and work on the relationship.

    • Anonymous

      I’m in a similar situation, although mine has continued for years at this point. Can I encourage you to please get solo counseling? At a minimum, it helped me readjust my perception of what should be “normal” fighting in a relationship. The behavior you’re describing looks a lot like verbal/emotional abuse and isn’t something you should have to live with. Good luck.

    • AIMS

      I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I have a close friend going through the same thing who pretty much could have written every word you did. I think you’re right to characterize your desire to see a counselor as a desire – at least in part – to tattle. Unfortunately, I don’t think that therapy will help unless he actually stops seeing therapy as a bunch of B.S. For my friend, individual therapy did help tremendously. They tried couples’ too, but he always thought that the therapist was “just on her side” and would disregard most, if not all, of what the therapist said.

      I’m not sure it’s “too late” to change course for you, but I think you’re right to put your foot down and not accept this kind of treatment. One of the best things we did with my SO (which was not the case with my last serious relationship at all, unfortunately) is we have a no rudeness rule – so no F.U., no shut up, no namecalling, so on. Obviously, sometimes we break that rule in the heat of the moment but then it’s always so jarring that we can usually immediately go like, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you to go F yourself, even though I still think you’re wrong.” Maybe you could try agreeing on some similar boundries with your husband? Along with no arguing in front of the kids and no calling anyone a bad parent?

    • Brant

      No direct experience here, but in your situation, I might try making it all about you– YOU want to go to therapy, you recognize it’s a problem with YOU, and would your husband please come along for support/to do what he can.

      Obviously, you feel he ought to be there, but perhaps when you word it like that, he won’t object so directly?

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I was originally going to write this anon but figured I’d share under my regular handle. In my much younger years, I did some serious binge drinking where I would turn into a belligerent jerk. I was typically a “fun” drunk but there was a point where if I had one more, I turned into the devil.

      My friends and boyfriend learned to deal with me by completely ignoring me when I turned mean and refusing to engage in further conversation. If I persisted in trying to engage them, they would walk into another room and shut the door. I would eventually get over my tantrum and pass out. SOOOOO not healthy, and soooooo behind me by many years.

      That said, I think the ignore and retreat approach works with a sober jerk too. As soon as husband says “f-you” just say “this conversation is over” and go into another room. Do you think instead of being passive aggressive, he was “pretending to sleep” because he knew he couldn’t fight fair in that moment? Pretending to sleep is better than continuing to be a jerk. If so, you could respond instead like “I’m not going to talk to you while you are speaking to me inappropriately but it doesn’t mean this conversation is resolved. We will talk again about it tomorrow.” Rinse and repeat until you can finally have the conversation civilly. Very few things have to be resolved “right here right now.”

      I’m of the badger until you listen to me type and I have learned that this is also bullying behavior. I can’t force people to discuss what I want to discuss whenever I want to discuss it. I have to work within their comfort zone too. This might mean no late night talks or a time out when one of us gets heated.

      • NYC

        “I’m of the badger until you listen to me type” is very interesting to me, and really resonates. I want to talk through issues asap, because that is what makes me feel better. I am slowly realizing that it doesn’t always get to be on my schedule. And that sometimes we are better able to resolve things if I wait a bit.

        • KLG

          My husband is a badger me until i listen type and if it happens at night when I am tired, it almost always results in the exact behavior the OP described in her husband (telling him F you, saying I just want to go to sleep and I don’t want to talk anymore).

          One of the toughest things for us is that he likes to talk things out ad naseum, even little things (because he is convinced they will become big things) whereas I get irritable when I am tired and stressed so often for me, it’s best to just go to sleep when I am annoyed about something small because I will have completely forgotten about it when I wake up.

          We’re still learning how to fight productively, but if he ever told me he wouldn’t go to marriage counseling I would be very very concerned.

    • April223

      I think you should absolutely seek counselling on your own. Clearly his behaviour is upsetting you and I should add that it is also cruel to say to your wife that they are “bad” at being a mother. Sometimes the people who need to get help do NOT get it! He clearly needs to address this behaviour but he isn’t. I hope you find a way to resolve this. Don’t let his rude behaviour ruin your day!!! (((HUGS)))

    • e_pontellier

      It’s not too late. Do everything you can to get yourself in a better mental space – therapy, social clubs, whatever – and then read Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When The Fairytale Ends. If you read thissite 6+ months ago, you might remember the troubles I had with my marriage. I had fights similar to yours (no kids though) and I was miserable for far too long. Things finally started getting better in my marriage a couple of months ago and just recently, I found out that my DH has been in therapy for about six months. Your H knows what he’s doing – he’s intentionally treating you this way. In my case, my DH was extremely resentful toward me and it was coming out in these very mean fights. All you can control is your own behavior, but you can absolutely fix it. Start now. Don’t wait. But hugs and strength (and wine & cookies!). You’re a fantastic mom and your children (and your H) love you. You can get through this. Good luck.

    • anon

      I think it’s probably better to start with solo counseling. Couples counseling isn’t a cure-all, and it can be extremely emotional, especially if one partner is trying to prove how bad the other one is. That’s not going to help anything.

      I know your husband sounds like a jerk, but I think we all have an inner jerk inside of us, and I get being tired and overwhelmed and not wanting to talk about issues. I think you need to dig deep and find compassion for yourself and for him in this situation and think about what you can do to improve it. I suggest reading the book Project Happily Ever After. Her website is pretty great too. Good luck. I know this heartbreak can feel like the end of the world, and I think it’s common to have those desperate moments. Give yourself a chance and give him a chance to really love each other and forgive each other rather than playing the blame game.

  9. Anonymous

    Does anyone else have parents that insist on trying to involve them in fights/disagreements that the parent is having with the other siblings?

    I have a brother (he’s the youngest of four of us, I’m the oldest and have two younger sisters), who is still in his teens and still trying to figure things out, and there’s a lot of strife between him and my dad- my dad is very “get your act together, you need to focus on school, etc”, which is fair (I guess, though I advocate giving him time to get there on his own), but my dad is very gruff and has terrible fighting manners – he dredges up things from the past, usese hyperbole, doesn’t focus on the disagreement at hand, brings up every and any random issue he has, etc. These fights are really hard on my brother who is, actually, quite a softie, though he doesn’t show it.

    To make it worse, my dad has the strong tendency to email/text/call me, and my other two sisters to “ask our opinion” on the issue. My sisters and I do not want to get involved. At all. None of us live at home anymore, partially because of my dad’s crap. When we do comment on the disagreements, my dad will twist our words against us and make the fight between us and our brother. When we say “we don’t want to get involved”, he gets angry with us and accuses us of “not caring about the family”, or says “I’m just curious, I want an objective opinion”, and pretends to be innocent.

    I woke up this morning at 5:30 am(! though there is a time difference…but he should know better by now) to yet another text of this nature, and I’m so done.

    How can I deal with this? Does anyone else have this problem?

    • Monday

      I’m one of three, and have had this problem for as long as I can remember. One inevitability is that when your parent vents to you about your siblings, you KNOW they vent to your siblings about you as well. My mom in particular is fond of making insulting comparisons, like “if your brother was in this situation, he’d be fine! You’re just not good at this!” and also reporting that siblings have X problem with me so that she doesn’t have to say that she herself has X problem with me. Siblings and I are just getting the hang of totally disregarding what she tells each of us about the other. And slloooowwly, it’s dying down.

      What has worked for me is the broken-record approach. “This is between you and _____, so I’m not going to say anything. I’m sorry you’re upset.” Stick to it and don’t bend the rule. What strengthens it most is when you catch yourself starting to do the reverse–vent to Parent about Sibling–and avoid it just as strenuously. If you’re all adults (even ages 18+ or so), everything can be handled directly between the people concerned. In our family it has helped a lot to make people accountable for their actions/feelings, and cut down on gossip and ganging-up.

      I think when someone is genuinely seeking advice or perspective, a careful talk about a third party can be useful, but it’s clear that this isn’t what’s going on for the OP and it’s rarely what’s going on in my family either.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. This is true for even milder things, for example when my mom was complaining to me about my sister’s wedding plan to do X instead of Y. I directed her back to talk to my sister instead. Same when my sister called me to complain that my mom wanted to do Y instead of X.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have any real advice, but I sympathize. My mother will routinely get in huge fights with my siblings, cut them off, and badmouth them to the other family members (for example, once she “practically adopted” a friend of mine in high school, proudly claimed her as her daughter etc., fast forward a couple years when friend has a baby and mom has volunteered to babysit for free, she gets sick of babysitting and demands payment, baby’s mom is like “why all the sudden,” mom gets mad, refuses to talk to her, tells everyone bad things about her, expects me to never speak to friend again… or the time she didn’t like my brother’s girlfriend and called her a sl*t, brother got reasonably upset, suddenly brother was the worst ever and rest of family better agree).

      Eventually I realized this was part of her emotionally manipulative/abusive behavior, and I just ignore it. Yeah, that might make her mad too, but I don’t see what else I can do, short of forcing her into counseling. I took her off my fb feed so I don’t see those posts, and I don’t respond or give very dismissive responses to texts. It’s died down now, unless it directly involves me.

      • Monday

        Yes, I should have added: expect resistance! You know you’ve set a boundary when Parents are mad that you won’t engage with them on the topic they want, and bring it up over and over to make it feel like you’re the one who’s created the problem. The boundary may become the fight in and of itself. It’s worth it, though! My mom NEVER apologizes or admits she’s wrong, but eventually people realize you’re not going to bend and give up trying to convince you back into the old pattern.

    • TO Lawyer

      My mom does this with me sometimes about my sister. Generally, I listen to my mom vent (she seems to act very similar to your dad) but don’t say too much. Once she is done venting, I tell her to talk to my sister about X. (She generally doesn’t take that advice and then the whole cycle begins again) but my mom gets really upset and makes all sorts of manipulative comments if I shut her down too early. It may not be the best way of dealing with this but it’s the only way I can generally stay out of it and still not make my mom angrier.

  10. AN

    This looks really weird and shapeless. The model’s stance also doesn’t do it any favours.

  11. For MOA's Peru Trip

    I posted this yesterday but I think it got stuck in moderation:

    Layers, layers, layers. I was in MP/Cuzco in May a few years ago and its warm during the day (especially if sunny) but quite chilly at night.

    Definitely plan to take it easy the first day to get used to the altitude.

    Get to the ruins early if you can. By noon – 1 PM the crowds can be unbearable. Plus getting to see the sun rise from MP more than makes up for the early wake up.

    Have fun!

    • momentsofabsurdity

      Thanks so much for your (and everyone’s!) advice! Any tips on what kind of jacket — would a fleece be enough? Or would I need like, parka levels of jacket? We’re staying in hotels, not camping, and I’m going with my mom, so I probably won’t be out wandering late late at night.

      • For MOA's Peru Trip

        I believe I took a fleece + light windbreaker. I find that combination is easier to pack than a parka.

        Plus if you find it’s too cold you can use that as an excuse to get a nice wool scarf or sweater in Cuzco.

  12. darjeeling

    If this zipped all the way around to detach the bottom and make a little cropped jacket that might be cool, but otherwise I think this would make my waist look wider for no reason.

  13. Calibrachoa

    Ha, if this exposed zipper trend continues, I should soon be able to wear my Tripp dresses to work ;)

  14. L

    You know that sinking feeling when you find out you’re completely screwed on a major project at work? Yeah, I have that x 1000. And I’m not sure I can fix it/how to fix it. AGH

  15. Lincoln Center

    Paging NYC ladies: I’m going to a show at Lincoln Center this weekend and would like to have a drink somewhere fun afterwards. Any suggestions?

    • cmjnyc

      how about the bar at the Empire Hotel? It’s right across from Lincoln Center…

    • NYNY

      Rosa Mexicano has a great bar and fresh guac, and the space is beautiful. Columbus and 62nd St.

    • Anonymous

      A new outpost of the smith also just opened right across the street-usually a pretty fun, young vibe

  16. momentsofabsurdity

    A TJ from yesterday that I would love to get more opinions on – and thanks for everyone who already responded/I would love to hear more!

    I have been lately (well, since the bombing) toying with the idea of training for a marathon. While I recognize that it’s difficult (maybe even impossible for someone like me) to qualify for Boston, that would be the dream – and my initial research shows there are also easier-to-qualify marathons held around the globe, so if I couldn’t raise enough charity money to qualify, it could also be an opportunity for a fun trip! It’s sort of a bucket list kind of goal, and I think being 25, hopefully in reasonable shape, without a ton of other “demands” on my time besides my job, make now as good a time as any to get started and try.

    I was a cross country runner in high school but haven’t done a ton of running since. I can finish about a 5K now but that is where my abilities end. I’m not fast anymore – if anything I’m super slow and my joints are protesting way more than they did 10 years ago when I was running cross country. I am apparently old and creaky at the age of 25. I think I’m reasonably in shape – I spin 3-4x per week, do some strength training and try to and least get in 30 minutes of activity/exercise every day. But I haven’t been focusing on running, really at all. Last weekend, I did the first 5K I’ve run this year (I’ve done a mile here and there on the treadmill but last weekend really got out and pushed myself) and while I finished (I wasn’t super accurate with timing it but I was somewhere around 30min – so again, slowwwwww), I was exhausted, incredibly sore, and my hips and legs hurt like crazy for a couple days. I don’t really know where to begin.

    Would love people’s tips about going from a casual runner occasionally to actually training for a marathon — how much time do I need? Any training plans people suggest? How do I get started — with Couch to 5k maybe? How do you get over the hurdle of the idea of 26.2mi as being terrifyingly long — and do you let people know that’s what you’re training for? I feel like everyone I know will start to laugh at me.

    • Get back in shape

      Will wait to see responses to this thread. I don’t want to run a marathon. However, I would like to be able to do a 10K at the very least. A half marathon would be the “dream” distance for me. Problem is I’m out of shape. I used to run every morning when I was in college, about 10 years ago. Now, I just run on the treadmill and also swim but it’s inconsistent and I’m yet to get back on a disciplined schedule. Also I need to lose a couple pounds my guesstimate is 10-15 pounds, would really love to have a more toned look especially in my mid-section. I eat healthy–no fast food, mainly homecooked meals–whole grains, fruits and veggies and lean meat about once or twice a week. Tips on training schedules would be great for both swimming and running, free fitness apps I can try etc.

      • F in SF

        Couch to 5K is great, I know a couple friends who’ve done it. (including a former boyfriend who didn’t exercise at all – he took taxis everywhere – and he successfully completed it)

      • Bonnie

        If you have a smartphone, I recommend the runtraining app. Like couch to 5K, they have a training program for 10Ks. It really helped me improve my time.

        • De

          I’m using the couch to 10K app, I think it’s “10K for Pink” and really like it so far. It’s a series of apps, from 5K to full marathon, so might work for this commenter and MOA.

    • Anonymous

      All of my first time marathon friends have joined Team in Training and loved it.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Or the CCFA one. I think they have a lower fundraising goal (if you run in a non-tourist destination) and they provide all the training.

      • LeeB

        I did my first 3 marathons with Team in Training, it is great for newbie runners. I had never run ore than 4 miles when I started training with them, and they got me to the finish line at a marathon.

    • Equity's Darling

      I’m also curious about responses. I started casually running last summer, and I’m a total slow poke- primarily because my form is terrible (I have a lot of lateral movement, and I’m just not coordinated so sometimes I trip, etc.).

      So, I’ve signed myself up for a “learn to run clinic” (to hopefully fix my form), which I plan to follow with a 10k clinic, then see where I am- the local running store has clinics from learn to run through marathon distance, so, I think it’s a good plan.

      I agree with you MOA re: the distance seeming…crazy, but I don’t think anyone should laugh. I’m always so impressed when people are training for things. I have one friend training for a 10k, and I was still like “wow, awesome, let me know if you need a friend to cheer for you on the route/make an embarassing bristol board poster”.

      • a.

        Yes! Form drills, form drills, form drills. If they don’t show you some at the clinic, ask for recommendations.

        And one minor suggestion for the balance thing. I’m chronically uncoordinated myself, with possibly the worst ankles on the planet, and what’s made an enormous difference for me is standing on one foot while I brush my teeth–left in the morning, right at night. Close your eyes when that gets easy. Sounds stupid but it’s really worked.

        • Equity's Darling

          The “learn to run” clinic is, I think, below my fitness level, so I’m going exclusively for the form, I will definitely ask if it doesn’t come up- though they said the coach would be focusing on form.

          Thanks for the tip re: balance- I also have really weak ankles, I’ve broken them both, and had a couple very severe sprains as well. I’ve been doing a lot of yoga, which has helped my balance quite a lot, but incorporating little things throughout the day could only help more, I will definitely think to incorporate more one-legged standing throughout my day.

    • Monday

      No marathon plans at this time, but I currently run about 25-30 miles per week and can speak to the process of ramping up to at least this point. I’m 31. Your description of pain that came from running outside reminds me a lot of the joint problems I used to have before I changed my form. It sounds weird and I thought I couldn’t do it, but actually it’s one of the easiest habits I have ever changed. I don’t know what your specific issue is, but I was having crazy knee and ankle problems and after doing some quick reading I shortened my stride and (knock wood) am now running every day, on sidewalks, without any damage, totally pain-free. Ideally you could consult with someone to have your form critiqued in person, but in my case just reading online about “running form,” “cadence” and proper stride did the job. Good luck! I might be getting the racing bug myself…

    • F in SF

      I think there was a discussion on this, a few weeks back. I also used to run a couple years back, topped out at a 10K race, but on a whim I’ve signed up for a half-marathon in June. Other r3ttes suggested Hal Higdon’s half-marathon training plan (not including link for moderation), and I’m going to start that this week.

      • Portlandian

        Second vote for Hal Higdon! I used his novice plan to run my first half-marathon a couple of years ago and ended up doing much better than I expected. I often switched up the weekday runs to match my schedule or other needs, but I always stuck to the planned long run distances on the weekends–that was the key to staying on track for me.

        Another tip–if you hate speed work, try running long, slow hills for your easy runs and speed days instead. Hill work is like speed work in disguise–you’d be surprised how much faster it makes you without having to do repeats around a track (blecch).

    • a.

      I’d recommend starting with a half, maybe some time in the fall. I haven’t run a marathon yet, but doing the training for my half gave me the confidence that if I do the work, I can cover 26.2 miles. Personally, even though I’ve always (fine, since I was 13) been a runner, in high school I was middle-distance and only did cross country to stay in shape for track; I honestly didn’t believe I would ever race successfully at a distance over 1,200m, and couldn’t wrap my mind around running for more than seven miles at a time.

      But training for my half got me over the mental hump. I’m sure it could for you, too. And FWIW, I know plenty of people who have gone from 5k-ish distances to training for 13.1, without anyone snarking or laughing or being weird. And once you’re already in the training mode for 13.1, it would be much easier to ramp up for a full marathon in the coming year. Just take it in stages.

      As far as advice goes, I’d get in touch with some local running clubs, to see if you can find training buddies. (And don’t think you’re too slow–my running club in the US has people running at every level imaginable, from Olympic Trails qualifiers to people who run a 5k in 40 or more minutes.) I was lucky in that my club sponsored a training program for half and full marathoners every summer, which provided a fantastic support system, and basically ensured that I had a really positive experience. You’re from Boston, right? I’m almost positive that you’d be able to find something similar.

      Other than that, the only real answer is to get out there and keep running!

    • AK

      I’m around the same age as you, and currently getting back into running. I did track and cross country in high school, stopped in college, and I’m now training for a half marathon. What helped me the most was a couch to 5k group in my city. The first couple weeks were way too easy for me, but by the time we got to the 2.5-3 mile runs, I was really happy to have other people with me, and a coach to tell me it was ok to go slow.

      I’m doing a half marathon training group with the same coach now. We add about a mile of distance every week, and in my head it always seems really far until I’m out running. Then it’s just another 10-11 minutes more than the week before. It also helps that this program is a 16 week training program, instead of the normal 12 week ones that I’ve seen.

      As for a marathon, I still can’t wrap my head around that distance, but I’m sure a similar approach would make it seem easier.

    • Susie

      Runners World can put a training plan together for you: http://smartcoach.runnersworld.com/smartcoach/new_plan.jsp. I used this to prepare for my first (and subsequent) marathons and was more than adequately prepared – for my first marathon I thought I would just be happy to finish in 5 hours and ended up finishing in under 4. I would plan on training 16 weeks. Generally you do 3-4 shorter runs during the week incorporating some speed work, and then a longer run on the weekend. Between now and the official start of training you can start slowly acclimating your joints to running, I don’t have much advice on that as I’ve been running forever and thankfully have not had joint problems. Don’t worry about your time, lots of people walk.

    • TBK

      I ran my first marathon a few years ago using the training plan in the Runner’s World Women’s Book of Running (or some really generic title like that). It was not only my first marathon but my first ever race. The training plan is actually really easy and goes by time instead of distance (which can make it a lot less scary looking). Also, I highly recommend the walk/run combo. I walked one minute every mile and it made all the difference in the world. I was keeping about a 10min/mi pace and so when I’d feel like I just couldn’t go further, I’d say “you only have another 6 minutes then you can walk — you can run just six minutes, right?” (If you think it slows you down, it really doesn’t. I did a half with no walking and my pace was about 11 min/mi then did one with walks every mile and finished sub-2 hrs.)

    • saucypants

      I started running about 13 months ago and I ran my first half in January. I could have done it earlier (was running 10+ by late last summer), but I didn’t have any time constraints, and I found a great race. I started by just walking all the time. For example, I would go out with a goal of doing 5 miles, but probably would only run half of it. I found that just doing the distance helped, regardless of whether it was running or walking.

    • Betty

      So excited to respond that I skimmed everyone else’s responses. My apologies if I repeat what anyone else said.

      Congrats and yay! I was a runner in high school too and then *kind of* ran through college and law school (meaning I’d put on my running shoes to put a bad day behind me but never really did anything consistent). Then, after law school and the bar, I started really getting into running for me for the first time. When I started training (as in running a set program), I was active and could run a 5k but nothing really beyond that. What really helped was that at about the same time DH started running too and it became our time together.

      Anyway, advice: Even if you are active, running puts different stresses on your body. It takes time for your bones, joints and muscles to acclimate to the challenges of running. But it is doable. When I started really running, I aimed for a half-marathon about six months down the line. I completed my first marathon a year after my first half. For the record, I LOVE running halves, the training is much more doable with a busy schedule but I am glad that I ran the marathon. As you train for a longer distance (half or full) your mentality changes about distances. When I first started, I thought a 5 mile run was really long. Over time, as your mind and body get used to the distance, you begin to think that 5 miles isn’t so bad but that 10/14/18 are the long distances. Remember that you aren’t going to go from running a 5k to 26.2 overnight and you have time to get used to the longer distances. I highly recommend Hal Higdon’s programs (I think someone linked to them above). And running clubs can be great to find a running buddy.

      As someone who went from running a little (10-15 miles per week) to training for a marathon, my experience taught me that people won’t laugh at you. Most other runners will be encouraging. You will come across the occasional d-bag who thinks that unless you can qualify for Boston, you don’t belong in the field. But those people tend to be few and far between, and they are just jerks. Ignore them. People who don’t run may not “get it” but will be impressed when you say that you ran X miles on Sunday. And you will get awesomely hilarious questions about the marathon: “Do you run all 26.2 miles in the same day?” “How long is this marathon?” “Aren’t you worried your lungs will freeze?” (They get even better when you are a pregnant runner: “Aren’t you worried the baby will fall out?” Um no.)

      Are you in New England? There are some great first-time marathons and halves around here, and it is a great running community in general. Good luck!

    • Cornellian

      I second the recommendation to plan for a half marathon first, and for Hal Higdon’s plans. Check out his Novice 1 and go from there. I would also point out that running a marathon really isn’t that HARD, it just takes lots and lots of time. For me, it seemed like it took a LOT more time to train for than a half. With a half, the only important component to your training is making sure you get in your long run and get up to 10 or 12 (or more) miles by two or three weeks out. With a full marathon, overall mileage matters. a lot. It’s not hard to find 2 hours to run on a Saturday, but with a full you need to find 2 hours to run twice a week, and then 3 or 4 once a week.

    • ironjojo

      I’ve run a lot of marathons, and started with absolutely no base and only a few 5Ks under my belt but none in the 3 years prior to the marathon. My first marathon I trained with TNT (the “purple people”) and they were awesome in starting out with a 3 mile “long run” on Saturdays, increasing in small increments, and lots of support in terms of mentors, water stops, and encouragement. Since then I’ve run a lot more marathons, and mostly use programs in Runner’s World or Women’s Running magazines. The key for me is to pick a race I really want to do (Disney, London, Chicago etc.), plan on starting 16-20 weeks out, and truly commit to the program. Running with a group from my local running store has ended up with me doing triathlons and having an amazing diverse group of friends with similar interests to me. I actually don’t like running, but I like my friends so much that I do it just to get in “girl time”, “therapy”, and a lot of laughs over the miles. ENJOY!

    • Matilda

      Sorry, late answer:

      Do it!!! I’ve been in way worse shape than it sounds like you are (mostly due to a 2-pack-a-day cigarette habit throughout a lot of my 20s) to running a marathon, and have run a second, and several halves, since then. A couple of tips based on what you’re describing: First, I second (third? fourth?) everyone who has recommended either Hal Higdon or Team in Training. The actual training programs are similar with both. An added advantage with Team in Training, though: you will not run your marathon alone. Either you will have a group of people to run with (which is the ideal), or you will have the experience of being HEAVILY supported by coaches, trainers, other people in purple, and every other runner who has ever run a TNT race. I am an emotional runner (seriously, I cried for the last five miles of both my marathons), and having all that support and hugging and cheerleading was such an indescribable boost during my first marathon.

      Second, because you said you were hurting after your first run: Find a good running store in your area (no, Sports Authority DOES NOT COUNT), and get yourself fitted for running shoes. Ultimately, you’ll probably have to become a bit of a gear geek — when you run enough miles, it becomes really important what kind of socks, underwear, sports bra, and even hat you have on — but the most important thing is your shoes. You will go a long way (heh) toward preventing injuries by running in shoes that fit your feet and your stride. And I actually spend way less on shoes from the local running boutique than I did on the ones I used to buy from the sporting goods store — don’t avoid those places just because they’re small and look expensive and elitist.

      Finally, don’t be shy about telling people! I’ve been amazed by how many people have jumped on the bandwagon with me — most haven’t done marathons, but a lot of people started doing 5ks, 10ks, and half-marathons, partly because I talked about it so much.

      Good luck, and have fun!

    • LLBMBA

      I went from no running to a half marathon in about 3.5 months. I am NOT a natural runner, not generally athletic, though I’m in reasonable shape.

      It’s totally doable. I for one wasn’t interested in a full, but you could totally do it. I trained with Team in Training and it was a great experience.

    • Lola

      Excited so many people responded so I’ll make this quick as my tack on to my response yesterday:
      1. Start with a half marathon.
      2. Highly recommend Hal Higdon programs both for a half and full, but look around at different training programs and see what works for you, and build a personalized schedule around that (chat with marathoner friends you have for their input if necessary – or us!). When i trained, I only ran 3 times per week – two shorter runs during the week and one long run on the weekend. My body is not made for running and I really needed the time off, so I modified the training programs I found online and made them work for me.
      3. No one will laugh – promise. They will be impressed and make jokes that you are crazy and they can never do it- and you know what? Use that as motivation to get there yourself. Marathoners are nothing if not determined. And once you are a marathoner – you are a marathoner for life.
      4. Don’t worry about time – just get there. If you have to walk sometimes during a long run, walk, so what? Most people do! If time is eventually a concern – i.e., for a BQ, worry about that after worrying about distance.
      5. Listen to your body – if you need a few days off, take them. If you need a hot bath with epsom salts (which I was taking daily for awhile), do it. If you’re hungry, eat. You get really in tune with your body – it’s amazing.
      6. Buy a foam roller. They hurt. They’re Ellen-caps AWESOME.
      7. Check out who is running around you – look at the older people, the rounder people, etc. If they can do it, so can you! Honestly, the older people are usually faster than me since they were lifelong runners! Made me feel weird at first and then became a huge source of inspiration.
      On that — the most inspiring running moment I had was running a half marathon in Disneyland. There is a course time limit so they can re-open the parks/roads/etc. Way after I finished the race (again, I’m slow), and way after the time limit had passed, I looked out my hotel window and saw a very large woman running with her trainer (wearing a trainer t-shirt). They were keeping the finish line open just for her and people came back to cheer for her. It was amazing watching her finish the race and watching how happy people were for her. Sheer determination is an astounding thing.

      Okay this was supposed to be short. I’ll stop now but I could go on and on!

  17. SL

    Thanks so much for your feedback, everyone. I’m looking forward to becoming a regular poster now.

    We discussed yesterday about an Atlanta meetup and I would be happy to coordinate one. If you are interested, please send an electronic mail to atlanta rettes (no spaces) at the mail of Google. Once we get a list of people together, we can figure out what date would work best.

  18. Anon

    Does anyone have any resources/advice for being an in-law when there’s a death in the family? My BIL died unexpectedly on Saturday. I’m working really hard on being there for my MIL and my husband, but it’s sometimes hard because my MIL has my husband and me to lean on, and my husband has me, and I have…? On the one hand, the loss isn’t nearly as hard on me as on my husband and MIL, but on the other hand, it is a loss and then there’s the weight of supporting everyone else. While I’m honored to have my MIL lean on me as much as she does (and we have a great relationship), it’s so painful to watch her grieve and when we leave her house and come back to ours (she lives just a few miles away), my husband breaks down and it’s just as painful for me to watch him grieve. Also, my husband can tell me all the awful things he’s thinking or thoughts that flit through his mind that he then feels bad about, but I don’t feel like I have anyone to tell the same kinds of things to. I feel whiney to say “what about me?” but I also feel like I’m not being as good a wife and DIL as I could be because it just all overwhelms me and then my husband is there comforting me. It’s especially bad if it’s because he’s said something that’s hurtful that he really doesn’t mean (like snapping at me, or telling me it’s not “my” family — I realize that he’s going to be short tempered and that there’s a fine line between throwing yourself into your in-laws family in a helpful way while still keeping them front and center and taking a backseat to their needs at a time like this). Anyone else been through this? Any helpful thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      Do you have a friend outside the family you can talk with? See a counselor temporarily? Write down what you’re feeling and then burn the letter? Find a field (or a car alone) where you can say things out loud?

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

      I find adulting’s recent post from the LA Times on the circle of kvetching on adulting is always helpful for things like this. Lean on people further out on the circle than you. Friends, more distant relatives, etc.

      http://adultingblog.com/post/47582718316

      • Calico

        Very interesting Monday! I have constant knee pain when I run. I have long legs and take very long strides. I’m going to try out shortening my strides and see if that helps. Thanks!

        • Calico

          Ugh, obviously the wrong place.

          Sorry for your loss. I was also going to suggest this article about the circles. I hope you can find a friend to help release your sorrows to.

      • JessBee

        I was going to recommend the circle article, too.

        OP, your instincts are right on. This is stressful and emotional and draining for you, but the best way you can help is to direct your stress and emotions outward. If you can, find a friend (or maybe a relative of your own?) to whom you can say: I need someone to lean on right now, and it’s not going to be fun, but could you listen to me vent for the next few weeks? After that, it should get a little easier (for you, anyway). If all else fails, remember that you have us internet friends.

    • Senior Attorney

      I completely understand. When my FIL passed away I handled, like, EVERYTHING for my husband and his family, including sitting with the body and waiting for the coroner. I made it my business to be saintly with the family and did my kvetching/grieving with my BFF and my shrink, who were both total life-savers. It was tough but I ended up feeling good about how I handled it.

      • anon2

        Sorry for the repeating posts and the fact this article was already mentioned – great minds think alike!

    • mascot

      +1 to the circle theory. My FIL died last year and I was also thrust into the center of it all because there just wasn’t much family (my husband and MIL are both only children). It helped me to realize that I couldn’t really fix the situation. Each person has to grieve in their own path. So even if I did everything perfectly, I couldn’t take the pain away. So when someone lashed out at me, it wasn’t because of something I did, it was just them reacting to the situation. I also made sure to take my own time to process my grief and vent to my friends/parents since my normally supportive husband didn’t have the bandwith to comfort me. It gets better with time. I am sorry about your BIL.

    • Anonymous

      I would also check in with your husband about how he feels about listening. I have a tendency to try very hard to share my issues/grief/problems when those I love are stressed. Experience has shown that frequently they are worrying about me and would like the sharing.

      Also, repeating that it is totally okay for you to find a friend or a therapist to listen to you and let you grieve.

    • Anonymous

      My FIL was killed in an accident when my husband and I had been married less than two years. It was a rough, rough time. I found a friend I could vent to and I also confided a few times in an older ex-coworker who had a therapist’s license. You must, MUST think of yourself and your needs and make sure you are getting the support you need. Because if you do not take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else. This period right after the loss is hard, but there are harder times down the line as part of the shock wears off and everyone outside the family moves on, and then the family has to start coping with the absence of the person who was gone. Family days – birthdays, Mother’s Day, holidays – may be rough this year. Different people deal with grief different ways and sometimes the way they deal is different from one day to the next. Please understand, you are in a process that is going to go on for some time. Don’t think you can bottle it up and tough it out because you will be toughing it out for a looooong time. Find a friend – maybe one of your friends has been through a sudden loss themselves – or a therapist, and vent away. I am sorry about your BIL. Thoughts to you and to your husband’s family.

  19. Madonna

    I did the 80’s in high school and college. It took me years to buy small earrings and tight fitting sweaters. Now, I am 40 pounds heavier, and I don’t wanna do the 80’s again! I JUST figured out how to dress, dammit! Now I have to figure out the clothes and my body type all over again. I am 5 foot 4 and 160 pounds. Help!

  21. Dulcinea

    Hey Ladies, I just got a new job on Cape Cod (in Hyannis) and I am looking for a place to stay during the summer (June- August). After that I will be looking for a place with my BF (when his lease runs out). Obviously this is a very popular time to be on the Cape and I am having trouble finding something I can afford.

    I’m open to tiny studios or house shares…I’ve tried CL and cape cod times, but I am wondering if anyone on here knows of another place to look or can recommend a nice realtor who would be able to help me.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Have you tried looking on the other side of the bridge? Maybe Wareham, Marion, Mattepoisset (spelling?), Fairhaven, Carver, Plymouth? You might have a longer commute but you should have much better prices and availability.

  22. Anonymous BigLaw

    I’m a senior associate in biglaw, expecting my first child soon. What’s the consensus on (1) whether to post an Outlook auto-reply away message for maternity leave (internal and external? Just internal? They’re not unheard of at my firm for vacation, etc., but I’ve never bothered) and (2) letting colleagues know when the baby has arrived (e-mail to each team I work with? Mass e-mail with list BCC’d? Have my husband send? Include pic? Just send personal note to the people I’m REALLY close to, and assume the rest will find out?)

    • JessC

      Nothing to offer on whether to notify colleagues about when baby comes, but absolutely put up an out-of-office message (internal and external)! I put up an out-of-office message whenever I’m gone for half and day or more (my job requires lots of travel). How are clients/opposing counsel/anyone who might be emailing you supposed to know that you won’t respond immediately to their URGENT SUPER IMPORTANT issue? Just be sure to put in the out of office message who they should go to if the matter needs immediate attention.

    • rosie

      I’m not in biglaw and haven’t had a kid myself, but based on my observations in my (legal) office of what others do, I would say that you should definitely set up an out of office. If you are the go-to person for certain issues, I would put who can be contacted for those issues in your absence. I would plan to send (or your husband can send) an email to one person that you are close to after you give birth saying that baby and mom are doing well and baby’s name is ______ (picture optional). That person can forward it around. In my office some people send the email to their immediate supervisor, and other send it to their office BFF.

    • Diana Barry

      Yes, out of office! Include return date if you know when it is; otherwise just say I am OOO on maternity leave, please direct your inquiry to PERSON HANDLING or AB’s ASSISTANT at ADDRESS.

      For the arrival – I emailed my assistant and the partner with whom I work most, and they shared around the firm. Pic of baby (only) optional.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’ve received the out of office messages before and found them very helpful. They usually say “I am out on maternity leave. Please forward your request to X at email address and she/he will connect you to someone who can assist you.”

      If you have asked to stay copied on case developments for you to read at your leisure, I’d say do not have an internal out of office. Otherwise every time someone bcc or cc’s you, they will get your out of office.

    • Betty

      I agree with the others regarding an auto-reply. It is a helpful reminder for those in your firm. The partner I worked with every day emailed me two days after I went out on leave but before the kiddo was born asking about something random on one of our cases. He quickly followed up with a “Oops. Forgot you are out now. Good luck!” While you may endeavor to tell those outside of your firm, I found that it was still helpful on those matters that had been quiet for a very long time and I did not expect to heat up while I was out.

      As for letting others know, I think it is whatever you are comfortable with and a know your office type deal. When my son was born and I worked in biglaw, I emailed my secretary directly and a few close friends. My secretary sent out the standard announcement for our office. I loved receiving all the congrats emails from colleagues.

  23. In House

    Hi gals, I am a junior/mid level associate at a big law firm interviewing for an in house position next week. Would love to hear any suggestions you have for questions I should ask from the perspective of someone who has only worked at a law firm before and not knowing much about working in house. Would be especially helpful to hear from those of you who made the switch to in house like I am considering. TIA!

    • Susie

      I think you should ask about what work is done in house, versus by outside counsel. Aside from no billable hours, the biggest difference will likely be that you spend more of your time coordinating with outside counsel (of course this depends on what practice area you are in – for instance if you are in commercial transactions you don’t deal as much with external counsel).

      • Divaliscious11

        Yes ask, because this assessment completely varies by organization.

    • TBK

      One of my favorite interview questions is “What qualities do you think are shared by the people who are successful in this environment?” It isn’t specific to in-house vs firm, but it can be helpful to hear that, for example, people who are fine working alone for long stretches of time are a good fit for a job — that may be perfect for you, or may make you want to run screaming to the hills.

    • In-House Optimist

      I agree with Susie for sure.

      If it’s a smaller company with a smaller legal department, be sure that you ask how the department is structured, who you will be reporting to, and where you fit in to the company. This may be a question better asked when you get an offer, but it’s something I wanted to make sure I put out there because it bit me in the buttocks for sure…

      Otherwise, my in-house interview was pretty typical, with a much larger emphasis on cultural fit.

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