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Updated: Aug 19, 2024 196 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Bi-Facil Double-Action Eye Makeup Remover for Sensitive Skin

Coffee Break

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blue bottle containing Lancome Makeup Remover

Neutrogena recently stopped making the cream eye makeup remover I'd been using for 15+ years (one of my most common beauty empties!), and I've been auditioning new products trying to find a substitute. I think I've found a new favorite: Lancôme's best-selling Bi-Facil Double-Action Eye Makeup Remover for Sensitive Skin.

I bought the product after I read a random interview with Scarlett Johanssen talking about her makeup routine — this eye makeup remover has been her favorites for 20+ years. I didn't even remember her working with Lancôme (and she has her own line out anyway now, The Outset!) so this seemed like a genuine recommendation. I was even more sold after I read that it's for sensitive eyes and waterproof makeup, as I have perpetually dry eyes and cannot stand most waterproof makeup removers.

I'm still perfecting my process (I've just been pouring it onto my fingers to rub onto my eyes, but I think I'll finally dig out my reusable makeup wipes), but I really like it. It doesn't sting or smell at all, and it leaves my eye area feeling moisturized, but not oily. I have a few eyeliners that are waterproof, and I really love the way it removes them — I might even take the plunge and reconsider waterproof mascaras.

You can buy it in three sizes for $39-$75 at Nordstrom, Bloomingdale's, Macy's, Sephora, and others.

What's your favorite eye makeup remover, readers?

Sales of note for 9.10.24

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Black Tie Wedding Outfit

    I’m attending my first black tie wedding in October and I need help with styling. This is my dress: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/betsy-adam-halter-mock-neck-crinkle-faux-wrap-gown/6631763.

    Does anyone have any specific shoe recommendations? I prefer to spend under $150 and if there’s a heel, it should be less than 2″. Also, I’ll be dancing all night, so comfort is important :)

    If you have any other recommendations on how to do my hair or what accessories to wear, I’d love to hear them!

  2. Anon

    Too late to comment on the morning thread: Renewal by Andersen are not the same as Andersen windows. They are sold by franchises and which sell only one type of window made at the Andersen factory. The franchisees set the prices and they grossly inflate their pricing, often banking on customers not knowing the difference. True Andersen windows come in many types and are only sold through authorized dealers to installers.

    TLDR: don’t buy Renewal by Andersen. Get a quote from a local contractor for Andersen or other branded windows.

    • anon

      ^ This. I was shocked at the quote they gave my parents for straightforward standard sized vinyl windows which was similar to the quote I received for aluminum tempered custom sized windows. Go local.

    • Anonymous

      OP here. Ok the sales guy mislead me when I asked about this specifically. He said Anderson is the parent company and renewal is the full service install part of the company.

      He tried to sell me on new front doors bc the paint was peeling. He said the peeling paint was layers of fiberglass peeling off the door.

      He gets a 7% commission.

  3. Anon

    I will have to take a daily pill that needs to be split in half (there’s a line down the middle) for the foreseeable future. The pill is tiny. Does anyone here do this on the regular and can recommend a pill splitter? Do you split every day or weekly or the entire bottle? Thanks.

    • Clementine

      I’ve had to do this for humans and dogs over the years. We got the little one at CVS or whatever and it 100%
      does the job. This isn’t a case where you need an optimal product – lots of generic ones do the job.

      We just split the pills daily-ish and grabbed a half if you saw it. The way it worked generally was that the half pills would fall more towards the bottom so you’d have lots of half pills at the end of the day.

    • Anonymous

      I just bought a cheap one on Amaz*n and it does the trick. I split one each time I need it.

    • Anon

      Yes. After tossing three different pill splitters from the pharmacy for janky construction and crumbling pills, I got “ALLEX Pill Cutter Splitter Scissors” and have not looked back.

    • Lots to Learn

      I have found that the secret to using those splitters is to do it quickly. If you do, the pill will usually snap in half. If you do it slowly, the pill will crumble.

      • AIMS

        FWIW, when a line is involved I use a sharp knife and have never had an issue. Agree that the trick is to just be decisive.

    • Anonymous

      i recently used a super cheap pill cutter to try to wean off pantazparole (waste of time, you’ll get rebound reflux no matter what you do) but the pill cutter was doing QUARTERS just fine for me. it was so tiny! you’ll be fine with whatever.

    • Anonymous

      Have you tried breaking it? I take a very small pill with a line and it actually breaks along it more cleanly than it cuts.

  4. Anon

    Just found out I passed my gestational diabetes diagnostic test (my provider does the one-step, two-hour test). I’m so relieved to not have another issue to deal with in this pregnancy! I’ve also found that people tend to make a lot of assumptions about my pregnancy because I started off overweight – that it would take forever to conceive (first try), that I would definitely end up with hypertension and diabetes (nothing so far), that I don’t exercise (I exercise daily), etc. It’s nice to see the proof in the result – that GD either happens or doesn’t and isn’t some guaranteed negative outcome for overweight women.

    • Anonymous

      Bravo!! Why are doctors such anoles about weight. I starve myselve the week before my appointment s so I am as light as possible.

    • Annony

      Fwiw, I saw an amazing acupuncturist who specialized in treating fertility issues and he once told me that it was better to be carrying a little extra weight when trying to conceive. He also gave me the most amazing medical advice I’d ever received, which was to take a nap sometime between 2-4 every day because that’s when the baby does the most growing, lol. Congratulations!!

    • Anon

      The weight thing is so crazy, one of the few fertility centres where I live won’t treat you unless you’re below a certain BMI.

        • Anon

          No, they do it because of anesthesia concerns for the egg retrieval. Most will do any BMI for IUI and only have BMI restrictions on IVF.

        • Anon

          It depends on the BMI cutoff. If it’s 30, that’s unfair and wrong. If it’s 45, it’s not unreasonable.

    • anon

      I hated pregnancy health issues for this reason! So many assumptions and people judging and telling you what to do. You’re the one with the baby inside you. Glad the diagnosis came back clear!

  5. Anonymous

    Has anyone had any luck in treating a life long anxiety disorder? CBT has provided some common sense coping tips but doesn’t really make a dent. Do any drugs actually work? I am fed up with A) not being taken seriously by my GP and B) fighting background low level dread all the time with no physical cause. TIA.

    • go for it

      during the pandemic i was having daily recurrent panic attacks and asked the hippie fab peeps in my circle for recommendations: YMMV

      self havening (google)
      rescue remedy

    • Anon

      Zoloft + EMDR + and therapy to build self awareness has been life changing for me. I went from being one of the most anxiety-ridden high-strung people with constant adrenaline/cortisol and negative thought patterns to just being… chill and generally happy. CBT did nothing for me since it relies on talking yourself out of your feelings, when feelings are more automatic and powerful than thoughts a lot of the time.

      If it’s genetic I’d recommend going on SSRIs, and if you have any trauma EMDR is amazing. Also meditation, running, yoga, journaling, cutting out sugar and alcohol etc as supplementary.

      • Anonymous

        Agree with this. While I wouldn’t say, I have kicked my lifelong anxiety disorder because of some really extraordinary life circumstances, it is much better now that I’ve started feeling my feeling, instead of trying to be rational about them.

    • Anon

      Nothing will ever make it truly go away, but Lexapro made a dent for me. I’ve been on it for several years now.

    • Anon

      Meds are the only things that work for me and several of my friends. I’m on a low dose of a generic Effexor and it has been quite effective. Drugs are usually a little trial and error until you find the right drug and right dose. I still get anxious about stuff, but my baseline is way way better than it ever was before.

      • Anon

        Can you share more details, if comfortable? Such as bodily system (tissue/muscle, hormone, blood, etc.)

        • Anon

          For me it got complicated because of a genetic issue that it turns out runs in my family, but I learned that there are some lifelong conditions that can have anxiety as a symptom (like ADHD, dysautonomia, and sleep issues). I think for me the frequent combination w/fatigue was a sign it was medical. I also didn’t experience a lot of real worry about actual things (so CBT had very little to grasp onto); it was more a feeling of tension or panic, or feeling very tightly wound.

    • Anon

      Meds plus CBT which eventually became just regular ol talk therapy. With CBT you really have to commit to the homework and incorporating all the things you are doing in therapy outside of session. Limiting caffeine, practicing some kind of mindfulness, focusing on sleep, staying hydrated, healthy exercise, all these things – when combined with meds and therapy – can be helpful too.

    • Anon

      Lexapro and DBT (different from CBT) has helped me immensely. I also did prolonged exposure therapy to help with some discrete events that had resulted in PTSD.

      I’m curious if you’re suffering from health anxiety specifically? That’s a big symptom of my anxiety, and I have some specific coping skills for that, but I didn’t want to send unless you need them.

      The basic outline would work for other types of anxiety, too. I try to keep a generally even keel with meds, regular exercise, and a mindfulness practice. Then I have a “toolbox” of sorts to help in different types of scenarios— underlying uptick of anxiety, something acute due to a specific identifiable cause, or a panic attack.

      You absolutely can get help, and you deserve it. The solution can take lots of work, but it has been worth it to me.

    • Anonymous

      Medication, specifically SSRIs, has been helpful to me, as well as regular talk therapy to help me become more aware of less acute anxiety symptoms when I am not at my worst. As I get older (currently 47) I am also growing more aware of how much my parents deal with anxiety, and that some of this is probably learned behavior for me. For me, recognizing anxiety is step 1 in dealing with it; low-level anxiety is such a default for me that it is easy for me not to notice it. And in general mindfulness/being present is really hard for me, which is probably a coping mechanism that isn’t really helpful. Therapy helps me reconnect to what I am actually experiencing and then deal with it.

    • Anonymous

      I’m on medication (low dose of Lexapro) and it definitely helps me. Though I have had years of CBT, the thing that made a huge difference for me was Unwinding Anxiety. I read the book and subscribed to the app for a year or two. The daily exercises, mid-day check-ins, and weekly meetings (optional) all helped lower my sense of looming disaster.

    • Fallen

      +1 for lexapro. I am a therapist and I would try ACT and maybe the mindfulness-based therapies – find it works better for many of my patients with anxiety than CBT. There are lots of act workbooks online or ask your therapist if she does act or has a referral for someone who does.

    • Anon

      Citalopram (Celexa) + therapy on and off for me. The drugs help a lot. They don’t turn me into a magically chill person, but they blunt the urgency of the anxiety and give me time to think, to move past, etc.

      You don’t need “permission” from your GP. Tell him/her you’d like to get a prescription for anxiety meds (and feel free to research and then ask for what might make sense for you, whether Celexa or Wellbutrin, etc). If he/she balks or refuses, you can go to your gynecologist.

      These are very safe drugs with very long track records. And you deserve to be free of the persistent dread.

      • Anonymous

        Ha. Gyno said – you don’t want to get started on that stuff, you’ll be on it for years, it’s tough to get off them, there are side effects. blah blah blah. GP said there was nothing wrong with me. Makes me stabby just recalling it.

        • Anon

          That’s awful. First, you CAN be on it for years. Lexapro is very safe for long-term use, and you can ask your gyn/PCP/psychiatrist about the long-term studies. Second, your gyno and PCP sound like hot garbage. Even if they’re not excited to prescribe an SSRIi, they shouldn’t downplay them or ignore you.

          Drugs have been very, very helpful for me. Judgment and dismissal have never helped.

    • Anon

      Sounds like time to see an actual psychiatrist.
      Life long mental health problems are best served by a psychiatrist + therapist. It doesn’t mean you see them forever, but they can get you started on meds, and once things are stable, you can just check in more intermittently as needed.

    • anon

      Following with interest. My anxiety has always been there (and likely comes from my mother, a very anxious person) but really kicked into high drive after having a baby. Lexapro did help, but it dulled my motivation and brain power so much that I felt I was falling behind at work (and as the sole breadwinner, that became another source of anxiety). I’ve been cutting back the dosage and will soon go off it entirely. Back to white-knuckling through each day.

    • Anonymous

      i can only speak to my son — hydroxyzine works well with him because we can raise or lower his dose depending what’s going on; it’s been described to me as benadryl for the brain.

      since no one’s mentioned it elsewhere in the thread — just a shoutout to weighted blankets and vests. if you’re working from home or have an office door that closes i’d give them a try.

      • Anonymous

        I was prescribed and now carry hydroxyzine, and it is effective. It’s pretty fast-acting for me. However, it was described to me as more useful for occasional, acute attacks (which is what I have), and I was told that if the issue became more of a daily issue then I should seek an alternative. I would agree. This is very effective, but it also makes me extremely drowsy. For me, I get more out of carrying it with me than using it. I think my Rx is about 3 years old now and I’ve used it fewer than 5 times. I do get anxious about having it with me, but then once I realize I have it, I also usually conclude I don’t need it. Anxiety/panic is a weird thing.

    • anon

      CBT did not help me. No medications helped, they just masked the symptoms and I could never address the root causes. I started listening to this audiobook last year Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors in an effort to help my husband who has PTSD and was surprised to find it surfaced a lot of my own issues, and actually ended up helping resolve a lot of my anxiety.

    • Anonymous

      Yes. YES YES YES. Drugs work. Not every drug works for every person but Lexapro truly changed my life. I didn’t even realize how bad my anxiety was and how much it interfered with my life until I got on Lexapro and experienced life without that constant low level dread.

    • Adhd anxiety apenea

      As we say in the ADHD world, pills before skills (usually)
      I needed the meds to get my brain right to learn the CBT and see what’s going on around me… and then I was able to taper down the meds (lexapro).

      Also I mellowed with age – definitely not as reactive and I have better self-talk and perspective.

      Not sure if that helps. Also — are you sleeping ok? I thought i was waking the middle of the night with anxiety – I mean, I was- but it was my body’s sleep apnea and I couldn’t breathe so to wake me up, my brain imagined something crazy anxious so I would wake up frightened and short of breath and think it was a bad dream. So do consider a referral to a sleep specialist

  6. Anonymous

    whoops, posted too late on the morning post.

    Our family lost/left something expensive to us but worthless to basically everyone else (think like, a bre@st pump) on vacation last week and we found out today that there are two separate good Samaritans working hard to get it back to us. We may or may not end up getting their contact info, but I wanted to put a big THANK YOU out there to the universe and remind you all that a small thing for you can be a big thing for another person. If you have ever made the effort to track someone down who lost something, and especially if that thing was found while metal detecting after a storm, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

    • Anonymous

      A very kind worker at an Embassy Suites in Denver kindly retrieved and sent home a stuffed elephant that got left in the sheets before an early flight. It was such a huge kindness and so important to my kiddo. I left them a glowing review online.

      • AIMS

        This is sweet. As is the original post.

        I always take the time to return things if I can and it always makes me so happy to hear that it’s appreciated!

        My daughter recently left her camp backpack at the playground and someone returned it her camp, which was super lovely (it had the camp name written on it).

      • anon

        Someone did this for my family when I was a little kid and forgot my absolute favorite stuffed animal at a hotel. I was devastated when I realized and I still appreciate it!

  7. go for it

    during the pandemic i was having daily recurrent panic attacks and asked the hippie fab peeps in my circle for recommendations: YMMV

    self havening (google)
    rescue remedy

  8. Anon

    My cousins are starting to talk about getting together for a summer vacation in 2026. They’ve agreed on New England, maybe Maine, and I’ve been tapped for logistics (my strong suit). But what am I looking for? Where would you go on a cousins vacation? A lake with family cabins? A place with plenty of different hotels at different prices? Activities? Please tell me your suggestions!

    Family group 1: The Beach Girls
    54 year old woman of irregular income (sometimes comfortable, sometimes in debt)
    52 year old sister who lives paycheck to paycheck
    21 year old daughter and her boyfriend safety blanket du jour

    Family group 2: The Whirling Dervish
    50 year old mom and dad with 3 school aged children
    45 year old brother

    Family group 3: The Go Alongs
    45 year old DINKs

    Family group 4: The Outdoorsy Tribe
    38 year old super active single guy
    36 year old couple with littles
    34 year old couple with littles

    • Anon

      I think in this situation I’d want a lake with family cabins – families with kids can get their own cabin, couples can choose to split a cabin with others or do their own thing, and the singles who are on budgets can bunk together or camp.

      A lake resort should have a good mix of activities for the different ages and activity levels: sunbathing or reading on the lake beach, swimming, and more active activities like boating and hiking and biking.

      I’d recommend a lodge that’s like Skytop in PA – there are different types of accommodations (hotel rooms, suites, and house or cabin rentals), meals are all provided, and there are a ton of activities, most of which are included. The families with littles and anyone w ho wants to just relax can hang by the lake on the beach or by the pool or on the lawn. The school age kids might like the laser tag or archery. Outdoorsy people can enjoy kayaking or the ropes course.

      If not this, I’d recommend renting a few beach houses nearby each other – I’m sure it could be organized so that everyone’s comfortable with their price point. Plan to meet up at the beach each day and rotate houses for dinner and after-dinner drinks or board games. People can do what they want during the day.

    • Nesprin

      So you’re looking for rooms/hotels for 12+ people with kids from tiny to school age?
      I’d vote for a big hotel. With that many people + small kids you’d need 8+ bedrooms, which’d be hard to do in a house or even a couple of houses.
      My family used to look for off season ski resorts- they usually come with a touristy town + a pool + hiking trails.

      • Anonymous

        A hotel will make it harder for the groups to get together though without a whole bunch of planning. Like having a drop-in breakfast or lunch with different sets of kids or a post-dinner ice cream night sure is a lot easier with access to a kitchen and a decent sized table than trying to plan a whole restaurant ordeal. No one wants someone’s group of 12+ people suddenly taking over the s’mores station at the hotel either. Definitely better to do cottages or several houses if you can. More privacy for folks, too–which is a bigger deal when you’re dealing with bigger groups.

    • Anon

      It may be out of budget for anyone on a very tight one, but Sebago Lake looks awesome.

    • Anon

      I would probably rent two beach or lake houses right by each other (like same block). In house #1 I’d do Family Groups 1, 2, 3, and the 38 super active single guy. Then I’d do house #2 for the couples with littles – this way there’s a quiet place to nap and the house is quiet for bed time but also doesn’t disturb others when the littles wake up early. I’d probably do a “per person” price by house.

      FWIW, my family’s vacation house is a 9 bedroom sleeps 20 in beds Victorian so big enough houses do exist!

    • Anon

      I’d do a bunch of rental houses in a summer vacation area, hopefully walking distance but even a short drive apart would be ok. Each group rents their own

      If there’s one family group who is into hosting they can get the bigger house and have a few meals there for the group. But you do not all have to be together all the time – and preferably not!

    • Anon

      Just in case anyone suggests Acadia – I love that area, we have a family home there and spend a large part of the summer there, but I wouldn’t recommend it for a group this size. Any house that could accommodate all of you will be incredibly expensive, and there isn’t a large inventory. It’s mainly hotels and motels. I’d recommend somewhere more off the beaten path in Maine, maybe on lake.

      • UpTheRebels

        Westwood Cottages in Bridgton is amazing. The cabins are right on the Wood Pond. Rustic – but comfortable. The kids will have the best time. I can’t recommend it enough. The same families go year after year.

        it’s located about an hour from Portland and an hour to North Conway.

        The downside is that the water in the cabin is not drinkable. You also have to bring your own sheets and towels.

  9. Anonymous

    Has anyone bought Kiziks? Are they available in physical stores to try on? How do they fit? I have two small children and am tempted by the slip ’em on appeal, and their new styles are far less ugly.

    • Anonymous

      I just got a pair of the Vegas style, and really like them so far. They’re lightweight, look cute with whatever, and I comfortably walked a few miles on them right out of the box. I would say they run maybe a tiny bit big, but they’re really cushy and don’t slip around on my feet at all.

    • ShoeAnon

      I have the Milans and love them! Cute colors, very easy to get them on and off, super comfortable.

      • OP

        I have the Milans and love them! Cute colors, very easy to get them on and off, super comfortable.

  10. Anon

    The flood post this morning made me wonder – do you have flood insurance if you are not in a flood zone? I’m moving to a first floor apartment soon (for the first time ever) and I’m wondering if I should have it. It’s not cheap (something like $900/year in my area). I looked up FEMA flood maps and the map for my new area was dated 2015, which means my brand new apartment building wasn’t built when the area was evaluated. Not to mention the map/rating is nearly 10 years old.

    • Anon

      Should have mentioned that the (outdated) map says my apartment is not in a flood zone

    • Anon

      So even though I work for FEMA, I don’t. But that’s only because I rent on the 2nd floor. If I owned anywhere or was on the first flood I’d definitely seriously look into it.

    • Anonymous

      I do not but only because we live on top of a hill and we have a walk-out basement also built into a hill. The world would need to end for us to flood (other than a flood started in our home, which would be for something like an appliance malfunction and covered by homeowners).

      Our previous house was vaguely near sea level and also by a marsh/cove, but not in a flood zone. We didn’t have flood insurance but in hindsight, we should have- and if I lived thee now I would get it.

    • anon

      I do, because climate change means that while my house has never flooded and isn’t in the flood zone, it could still flood (I’m near a higher risk zone and there’s been flooding recently in that zone). Recovery from flood is expensive enough that I’d really like insurance to help with the cost.

      I regularly take a look at my insurance policies to see if there are any aspects that aren’t worth the premium cost—may have dropped an ancillary part of the flood insurance as premiums have risen, but can’t recall.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re not in a flood zone, my understanding is that it’s very hard to get flood insurance bc it’s pretty much all underwritten by the government.

      • anon

        I’m not in a high risk flood zone, but I have flood insurance through FEMA. The premiums are just cheaper than for people who live in higher risk areas. I didn’t know that there was such a thing as “not a flood zone,” just degrees of risk from very risky to unlikely.

    • Anonymous

      First Street Foundation has free resources for figuring out your risks. We are not in a flood zone but have flood insurance because others in our area have gotten pounded by rain spouts.

    • anon anon

      Yes. My work overlaps with this area and something like 40% of all flood claims come from areas that are not in designated flood plains. It’s heart-wrenching because people assume that if they are not in a flood plain they will never flood and that’s just not the case. Climate change means that we are having insanely intense storms, when the aging storm sewers can’t keep up areas flood. Or if your gutters or other water management just can’t keep pace. Homeowners insurance will not cover groundwater flooding.

      We are not in a flood plain, and are in a VHCOL area and have an NFIP flood policy that’s maybe $400/year. It won’t cover everything, but would rebuild our basement if we took on significant water in a 1000-year rain event. If you are in an apartment, it shouldn’t be nearly that expensive. You can ask an insurance agent about getting flood coverage as an add-on to your renters insurance.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have flood insurance but that’s because my house is on the top of a giant rock. I would have very different calculus in any other situation.

    • Anon

      No flood insurance here. And I’m not in a flood zone. I’m in California so insurance is hard enough to get!

      But I do carry earthquake insurance from the California Earthquake Authority.

    • Anon

      I have it even though our house was reclassified from being within the flood zone to being just outside of it when then maps were updated a few years ago. With climate change, I think it’s worth the risk in our case.

  11. Anonymous

    My dad reached out to me today to tell me he wants to pay off my mortgage and I don’t know how to feel about it. My mortgage would be 0.25% of my father’s networth, so this is small potatoes to him but life changing to me. I suspect my dad bought my brother a house a few years ago since the math doesn’t add up on my brother’s house, but I have no confirmation. I think the current offer is a guilt offer to make things ‘fair’ with my brother but also a way to hedge his bets since my dad has realized the golden child (aka my brother) won’t be there for him in old age. I guess I’m worried that this offer will come with a bunch of hidden strings and it’s not a genuine offer, it’s an “oh I effed up better fix things” offer. Any thoughts? Up until this point my father has provided zero financial support past the age of 17, so college etc was all on me.

    • go for it

      When my ex h & I bought a house his folks co signed and put up the down payment. I was vocal and let my mil know that it did not mean we were emotionally indebted to them. Fast forward 3 years and they had us recast the note and said it was a gift. We thanked them and moved on.
      My advice would be to get clear with yourself about the gifts implications to you and to be vocal with your dad about any expectations he might have, allowing yourself the liberty of not meeting them if that feels true to you .
      I am sending you good wishes on this journey.

      • Anon

        I can’t imagine being vocal to my generous MIL that I wouldn’t be emotionally in debt to her. Did she hurt you? Do you not consider her family that you love? Was your husband appalled?

      • Anonymous

        “Good wishes on this journey.”

        Wow.

        (Are you perhaps related to the kid who didn’t thank his aunt for the generous graduation gift? You sound about as socially mature.)

    • Anon

      As someone who is part of a dysfunctional blended family with a lot of talk about “making it even between the kids” and then a lot of financial help offered only to the golden boys with accompanying drama, I’d turn it down. But every situation is different and only you can make the choice of whether to engage.

    • Anonymous

      OMG just say thanks dad and move on. I would kill for problems like this.

    • Anonymous

      My thought would be to take it, if you want to take it, and move on without dwelling on it or indebting yourself. My MIL started sending us large checks a few years ago because she decided it would be DH’s eventually and it would make better tax sense for her to get rid of it now. We take it, use it, and move on. This doesn’t mean anything in terms of our availability (or not) to her as she ages.

      It sounds like you didn’t have much of a conversation with your dad about it– did he tell you why he wanted to do it for you?

      • Anonymous

        There wasn’t a discussion. He called and told me he has ‘decided to help’ and to send him my mortgage info then hung up.

    • Anon

      I think if you are the “responsible child,” you will probably be there for your father in his old age anyways even if you don’t take him up on the offer. I am that type of child too. My suggestion is take the money but be vocal about the terms you want before accepting it. Make your life easier so that at least you’ll have less stress and pressure when you end up supporting your father, hopefully i’ll be less unpleasant and you’ll have more emotional bandwidth. Money does fix many stressful situations.

    • Anon

      Would this create an unexpected tax burden for you? Or is he in some way trying to get on the deed for your house?

      If not, I think you accept, note that he does not need to do this, you appreciate the gift, etc., and then move on with your new freedom. If he tries to make this a strings-attached issue in the future, that is not your problem because a gift is a gift. Perhaps easier said than done and you know your dynamic better than we do, of course.

      • Senior Attorney

        Gifts aren’t taxable to the recipient. You’ll lose your mortgage interest deduction but still come out way ahead.

      • Anon

        There is no tax to the recipient. And the estate and gift tax exemption is so high right now, I would be shocked if there was any gift tax due by her father.

        • Anon

          I tried looking up the gift tax exemption (not OP but curious) and it says over $15k you report the gift but do not necessarily owe taxes. How does that work?

    • Anon

      Only you can know the hidden strings, but I would lean towards taking it.

      You are not guaranteed a cent when he dies. Money you are given now is money you keep.

      Quick math says he is loaded. I would not be surprised if this were part of his estate planning. The federal estate tax exemption is set to decrease from $13.6M to $5M on 01 January 2026; he is likely trying to gift money now and avoid having his estate eaten up in taxes. At least consider that before deciding that there are no other reasons for him to be gifting large sums of money right now. :)

      • Josie P

        +1. TAKE THE MONEY and remember that this does not mean you “owe” him any time, attention, or affection that you would not otherwise give.

      • anon

        I think there are people responding who have not been gifted large sums by dysfunctional family members before. I’ve been surprised by hidden strings 2 times now, when my grandmother paid for my law school, and when my father in law gifted me and DH a bed. Had I known about the strings I would not have turned down the law school tuition (small strings) but would have turned down the bed.

        • Walnut

          Yes, exactly this. I come from a long history of dysfunctional family history and the one of the proudest day of my Dad’s life was paying off his father.

          Any strings that you think might come with this gift likely will. Proceed with caution. Be prepared to re-mortgage and repay your Dad in full if you take the cash and turns out to be a bad choice.

          • OP

            Yeah there is no option of taking the money and running. My father has too much wealth and influence to escape any strings. Remortgaging is a real concern since I have an awesome rate now and would not be able to get it again.

          • Stems

            Why specifically pay off the mortgage? Why not gift you a check for an amount he chooses if there are no strings? You could do what you prefer (invest, kids education, school loans, rainy day fund, home renovation) if he wrote a check. I’d proceed with caution and not send him any info on your mortgage. If he wants to give you money he can do so without needing your private information on your finances.

        • Anonymous

          Yes totally! I would accept this from my dad, who would have no strings attached, but not from my mother who would promise that there were no strings attached but would use it as a guilt-trip at every opportunity. She would even turn things I would do for her anyway into believing I’m only doing them for her because she helped me in whatever way. I don’t accept anything from her anymore.

          • Anon

            My parents are similar and I don’t have contact with my mother any longer because she was like this about petty little things. However, for a no-legsl-strings mortgage payoff? I would talk to her long enough to get that done and then shrug and move along with my life if she tried to guilt me into future stuff because of it. But I’m calloused enough to be fine with that; OP may not be in that position.

          • Soap opera

            You should see the strings
            They were probably more like handcuffs or chains with big iron balls attached

        • Anon

          I’m the person you are responding to, and my family is rich and dysfunctional.

      • Anonymous

        I posted above; this is exactly why my MIL started sending us checks. Their estate is more than $5M especially because she just got an unexpected $2M inheritance from her poor farmer of a mother.

    • Rose

      I was in a similar position, and very conflicted because I didn’t want the strings. My dad’s argument was that you might as well get your inheritance now, when it’ll be more helpful, rather than much later. The logic of that really resonated with me. I did talk to both parents a lot about how I was grateful but it needed to really be a gift, and the fact that they saw it as a an early inheritance really helped.
      Especially since your father didn’t pay for college, I think its okay to accept this. Be clear with him that you only want it if there are no strings. Even having that conversation helps.

    • Anon

      Take the money – if he effed things up and wants to make amends by paying off your mortgage, great! Once you have the money you don’t *have* to follow the strings attached – you already have the money.

      • Anon

        This. Obviously, you know your family best. But you don’t *have* to fulfill whatever subterranean strings are attached.

    • Anon

      Take it.
      Smile and say thank you.
      Write a shirt but heartfelt thank you letter.
      Move on.

      I have been on the receiving end of multiple four or five digit random checks that were given by one parent to even up the distributions by the other parent to the failure to thrive as an adult golden child. I think a heartfelt thank you is all that is owed.

  12. Reader I am divorcing hoim

    Thank you all who commented this morning. You helped confirm my actions (or in this case non action)
    Happy Monday x

  13. Anon

    Any recs for a fireproof safe? I have sticker shock from looking at a few. I’m also not sure if I should bolt to wall (so it can’t be stolen, at least not easily) or if it should be small and portable to grab in an emergency.

    • Anon

      What are you hoping to store in the safe? And other than fire, what are you hoping to protect it from? That will help determine what kind of a safe you need.

        • Anon

          I have this one for important paperwork.

          https://a.co/d/6uyCSGO

          I also have a small safe like you’d find in a hotel room for some of my jewelry. I am fully aware that a pro thief could figure out how to saw it out of my closet and take the whole thing, but I hope it’s at least a deterrent in a smash and grab kind of situation

    • LawDawg

      I have a portable one. It looks like a small suitcase; not bolted to anything. But those things are HEAVY. Even though it is portable, it would take some effort to grab it. It is waterproof and fireproof, so I am banking on being able to haul it if I have time/resources or find it after a disaster.

      • Anon

        Seconding this. I have a small Sentry firesafe that holds our important documents and a few precious just to us trinkets (small things with no inherent value, like a hand embroidered baby bonnet from great-great-great grandparents). The safe itself is the size of a large shoebox and is heavy enough that I would NOT be grabbing it in case of a fire. Maybe if we were evacuating in front of a hurricane, but even then I would ditch the safe itself because it is just so heavy and bulky.

        Also, mine is the type with a lock that can easily be opened with a fridge magnet. It truly is just for fire protection and not for theft deterrence. If that is a concern, OP, be sure to research the locking mechanism so you know what you are getting.

    • anon

      We have one from Sentry. It just sits on the ground. I have digital copies of the documents inside so I probably wouldn’t grab it in an emergency.

    • anon

      I’m pretty sure the small and portable ones aren’t likely to survive a major fire. I’d go with giant, bolt-to-the-wall or just putting documents in a waterproof zip-top bag somewhere really easy to grab if fire is approaching.

      That said, I live in a small city with an excellent fire service, but in a region prone to wildfires, so I’m thinking more about “wildfire approaching my part of the city” than a typical house fire.

    • anon

      I have a SentrySafe, it’s a small box with handle. I keep all important documents in it and it’s my hurricane go-bag #1 item

  14. Anon

    I love this eye makeup remover but it’s too pricy for me! I’ve been using one from La Roche Posay instead and it’s very good as well. (Nb: I’m in Canada where we have LRP products available widely in drugstores.)

    • AIMS

      I found it a little too greasy. Currently using the CeRave one and like it better but if you like this one, I think the L’Oreal one in the blue bottle is similar (which makes sense since it’s the same parent company).

      Also, an aside, but I can’t imagine applying this with my fingers. Wouldn’t it just drip/run all over the place? I know cotton pads are seen as wasteful by some but so is using way more product than needed and having to buy more product as a result, no?

      • Kat G

        You know, I always used to use cotton balls or cotton pads for toners and the like but a few years ago readers mentioned how they just used their fingers for Paula’s Choice BHA or whatever, and I tried it and liked that better, so I do that for that BHA and the Tatcha liquid thingy I’ve written about (white bottle, love it in winter). Both are pretty liquidy, so I figured I’d try it with this eyemakeup remover too.

    • Worried

      +1 I have used roch posay ( in Canada too) and liked it. I like bioderma and avene as well.

    • Anonymous

      I like Clinique Take the Day Off. It’s a balm, so not as messy as a liquid.

  15. Anonymous

    Puppy question: we have a very aggressive chewer; he’s chewed off parts of other toys that are meant for “very agressive chewers.” Amazon is obviously not the place — does anyone have an indestructible toy for a very aggressive (small) puppy? A good resource? First pet for us so I’m still learning. Can I trust Chewy/Spruce type info?

    • Anon88

      I had an aggressive chewer puppy– there’s no such thing as an indestructible toy. Try nylon hard toys or bully sticks in a bully stick holder.

    • Anon

      This is a training issue; start there. He needs to learn to be gentler for safety! Then look for tuffie/tuff toys at a local pet shop you trust (avoid counterfeits).

    • Anon

      Giant thick nylabones – the biggest, toughest, hardest ones you can find. Our German Shepherd puppy destroyed any toy we could find but those would last the longest.

      The other toys that stood up better were made from seatbelt material. No brand name, I found them at our local pet store and they were usually sewn into a flat-ish animal shape and very lightly stuffed, sometimes with a squeaker (the squeaker always died very quickly).

    • anon

      I had a Boston Terrier who seemed to gnaw through everything. I had good luck with those Kong toys, sort of pear shaped and you can put peanut butter in them.

    • Anon

      I recommend BeneBones. The adult ones come in a few sizes and really hold up to my young, aggressive chewer. These come in a puppy version, too, but I did not discover until after that stage.

    • Anononon

      My dog’s favorite method of playing with a toy is to try to destroy it. Toys that aren’t made for tough chewers are usually disemboweled in 20 minutes. We’ve had luck with the “Ruffest and Toughest” toys at Petco and the equivalent at Petsmart (I think “Tuff” or “Tuffy”), plus the Go-Dog and Fluff and Tuff brands. I’ve found the trick is to get toys that don’t have a lot of appendages; if the pup can rip a leg or an arm off, then it’s all over. My dog has a caterpillar toy and a ladybug toy (I think both Fluff and Tuff, both with no legs) that have lasted forever because there’s no edge for him to get in on. Also try yakky sticks if you want an edible thing he can chew on for a while, or sliced elk antlers that have some of the middle exposed. Good luck!

    • Vicky Austin

      We have one of these – time and only buying brand-name Nylabone was the answer.

      I also wish we’d found the ring toy (link in reply) much earlier because our dog chews bones to a sharp point and then wrecks his gums!

  16. anoncat

    Would you/have you bought a home with a recent death in it (last 3 years)? This is required to be disclosed in our state. We are considering one right now where the prior occupant died peacefully of old age. It doesn’t bother us at all. I’m more curious how big of a deal this would be to others, and whether we’d have a better shot at getting our offer accepted. I have a hard time imagining this would matter to the vast majority of people in our VHCOL area where houses are scarce, but our agent said she’s seen this reduce the buyer pool by 30%.

    • Anonymous

      so… if she died peacefully and was found quickly then i wouldn’t care either.

      but i suppose if she wasn’t found quickly they probably had to redo that room/floor etc (they did for my uncle who was found 10 days later).

      • anoncat

        But if they redid that room, then what’s the concern? That it was a sloppy rush job?

        • Anonymous

          no, i’m saying that is sadly the “up side” to someone not being found quickly… the room is probably entirely new.

    • Anon

      That’s bananas. This would make absolutely zero difference to me, but if it lets you make a lower offer, then great.

    • Anon

      The only type of death that would make me not buy a house would be if it had been the home to a murder. Otherwise, I have no issue with a death in the house.

      I actually am planning on buying what was my grandparent’s house (currently its my cousin’s house). My grandmother died in the living room doing at-home hospice and I was holding her hand when she died. I was 12, we were very close, it was extremely traumatic for me.

      My grandfather moved there for a few more years before he went to a retirement community and then my cousin bought the house (she’s much older) from our grandfather. I’ve been there literally hundreds and hundreds of times since she died and it never bothered me after the first few months- and I had a very personal connection to that death. Now, as an adult, I literally never even think of the fact that she died in the house.

      IIRC, I believe her mother, grandmother, and I think her father also died in the house – that was in an era in which most people died at home (no nursing homes, hospices, and less frequent hospitalizations). So, I guess if you have an older home someone probably did die there.

    • Anon

      Peaceful death from old age? no problem. I assume many, many houses have had similar deaths in them.

      Grisly murder? no thank you

      • anoncat

        Same, but based on feedback in this thread so far, unclear if the competition is actually decreased!

    • Anon

      It wouldn’t bother me, unless there was some visible or physical effect from it.

    • Cat

      I assume there have been a number of births and deaths over time in my 1800s house. Makes me curious, not morbid.

      • Anon

        Yup, I live in a house that’s been in my family since the early 1900s. I know at least three relatives have died in this house (two of those deaths occurred decades before I was born, one was my great aunt who did in-home hospice – I was there when she died)

      • Anon

        I would love to know more about the births in my home! I know about the most recent death but not prior to that. How were you able to figure it out?

    • Anonymous

      Doesn’t bother me at all, but I know some folks are weird about that stuff.

    • Anon

      Unless the house wasn’t cleaned up after, I don’t think a grisly death in its history would bother me. Unless it were a notorious person that might generate weird visitors or there was a safety concern that whoever did it might come back?

      • Anons

        Agreed. Unless there’s physical damage to the house, ongoing safety concerns, or I personally knew the victim how does this actually affect me? And if this bothers you how can you be sure there wasn’t other violence in a murder-free home?

    • Anonymous

      It would give me the creeps and would give me serious pause. That’s one reason I don’t like old homes, antique furniture, etc.

    • AIMS

      We bought our place from a widow who was downsizing after her husband died. I honestly don’t know where her husband died and it never occurred to me to ask or care. A friend mentioned she thought it was creepy if he died “at home” but we didn’t think so at all and my friend thinks a lot of things I think are silly. My only take away was that there was a family who lived there a long time, raised a happy family and hopefully we could do the same.

    • Me

      Both of my grandmothers and my mom died at home while under hospice care. I think in-home deaths will be more common as more people seem to want to die at home. This seems like a non-issue to me.

    • anon

      Our state does not require this. I was surprised to find out our current home was used as an in-home hospice for several years. But then again, it made sense! We bought the house because it had a nice in-law addition with a really accessible bathroom that’s perfect for my aging parents. I was spooked for a couple weeks and then I got over it. DH said yesterday, people must have been treated well here because there “are no bad vibes.”

    • Anon

      I did buy a house where someone had died within three years. I live in it now.

      My house was built in 1909. Generations of about three different families lived here. In the three years before we bough the house, the grandmother was cared for here by her daughter and her adult grandchildren, and she died here. The daughter (the adult children’s mother) passed away shortly after, though not here, and it was her children who sold us the house.

      I have been with three of my closest loved ones as they died and that has really reinforced in me that death is a natural part of life. So it doesn’t bother me at all that the prior owner’s grandmother died in the house she loved so much. And I continue to maintain and enjoy her beloved rose garden.

    • Anon

      I would. It’s part of what houses are for. Don’t people ideally want to die at home and not somewhere else?

    • Seafinch

      We did. It’s a mandatory disclosure here, too and they neglected to tell us until closing but it wouldn’t have changed our minds. Ours was a suicide.

    • Anon

      Murder or suicide, absolutely not. Peacefully in sleep of old age – that’s fine.

      I wish I were kidding: I went to visit a friend’s parents’ home. As we parked outside, I looked across the street and said “that house creeps me out.” My friend said, “someone hanged himself in it ten years ago.”

  17. Anonymous

    Murder or suicide, absolutely not. Peacefully in sleep of old age – that’s fine.

    I wish I were kidding: I went to visit a friend’s parents’ home. As we parked outside, I looked across the street and said “that house creeps me out.” My friend said, “someone hanged himself in it ten years ago.”

    • Anokha

      Luxe sateen!! Have them, love them, use them in primary bedroom and guest bedroom. Have held up really well.

    • Anonymous

      Percale if you prefer crisp sheets and are seeking to sleep cooler. Sateen if you prefer slippery soft.

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