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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Gap was one of my go-tos for workwear basics for years, but I’ve fallen off recently. I was pleasantly surprised when I came across this gorgeous short-sleeved sweater in the New Arrivals section. It comes in six colors, including several spring-y hues.
The length looks a bit cropped on the model, so if you have a longer torso, the tall sizes might be your friend here.
The sweater is on sale for $39 (marked down from $49.95) at Gap and comes in regular sizes XXS–XXL, tall sizes S–XXL, and petite sizes XS–L.
Some of our favorite short-sleeved sweater tees for 2024 include Quince ($45!), Ann Taylor, J.Crew,* Boden, and this Amazon bestseller. (* plus sizes too!) If you're hunting for something fancier, check out Kule; Tuckernuck also has one in a cashmere/silk. As of 2024, Nordstrom and Anthropologie both have a huge selection of sweater tees. (All of the ones below come in white and black, as well as other colors!)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Schadenfreude
A few days ago, there was a rather racist outburst of comments when someone mentioned that her Indian BF had asked her to consider moving to India. While I’m not questioning the facts that she would suffer in a custody judgement or that she would need a lot of adjustments, I was quite shocked by several commenters saying that India was a place where women had no rights. Including some very regular and respected commenters.
Now as an Indian, the AL embryo case is giving me a Schadenfreude moment. I know this post will trigger a round of nasty comments and I will not engage.
But do not make assumptions about other countries based on your immigrant pals who are probably representing out of date stuff to you guys.
And a country of 1.4 billion is not a monolith. A young lady in Mumbai or Bangalore is comparable to her counterpart in NYC and probably much better educated. Probably speaks better English.
Just as we don’t judge all Americans by reality shows or Mormon sister wives, do not judge India or any other place based on a couple of Bollywood movies or old wives tales.
Travel, read, educate yourselves.
And good luck with women’s rights in the bastion of freedom and liberty. Let’s re-engage when you guys have the same reproductive rights we do.
That is all.
– An Indian Woman.
OP
And just to add, we are not the puppets of our MILs. But judging from the regular Xmas/thanksgiving disputes here, I don’t think commenters on the site are in any position to pass judgement!
anon
India consistently ranks among the worst places in the world to be a woman, and the absolute worst in the G20. Sorry that offends you but Amnesty International isn’t an old wives tale.
Anon
Yup. I think it’s weird you assume we haven’t traveled. I’ve been to India. I love it. There’s so much to love about the culture and I met the kindest people when I was there. But it’s a highly patriarchal society, and consistently ranked among the worst countries in the world for gender equality. Both things can be true.
Anonan
I’ve been to India too. I was constantly harassed by men ( verbal, touching, being followed) almost the entire time I was north of Goa. And I was with my husband. I will never go back and I sure as h*ll wouldn’t move there.
Anonymous
Get out of here with your facts, America Bad.
Anon
I don’t think anyone in that thread was suggesting the US is perfect and most people here wouldn’t want to move to Alabama any more than they’d want to move to India, so this is a straw man.
No country is a monolith but on the whole India is a highly patriarchal society, moreso than the US. From Wikipedia: “India is also a patriarchal society, which, by definition, describes cultures in which males as fathers or husbands are assumed to be in charge and the official heads of households.”
Far fewer women in India work outside the home than in the US. Boys have better access to school and higher education than girls. Violence against women is a big problem and there have been some rankings that say India is the most dangerous country for women. According to a report by the World Economic Forum (WEF), India ranked 134th out of 145 countries for gender parity in 2018. Pointing out these facts isn’t racism.
Anon
“most people here wouldn’t want to move to Alabama any more than they’d want to move to India”
THIS. I find it notable that even as people flood into the sunbelt from the northeast or west, they don’t go to MS, AR, or AL in substantial numbers. They go to NC, SC, GA, FL, TN, TX.
I’m not saying that the average progressive, feminist women is exactly jonesing to move to Knoxville. I am saying that it tells you something that Alabama is not going gangbusters the way that other, nearby states are. Even moderates who are fleeing California or New York don’t want to live there.
Anonymous
Oh please.
1. The majority of the comments focused on the non- India specific issue that having a child in another country permanently ties you to that country for legal reasons which exist basically everywhere. Further, a person may or may not have authority to continue to reside in the country even if their kids are required to stay. This varies by country.
2. You are making a lot of assumptions about who we know or don’t know. Immigration years of my Indian friends are 2007, 2015, 2017 and 2022. Mix of college friends, law school friends and DH’s coworker. All MBAs, JDs or MD. All have siblings/close friends working similar jobs in various Indian cities. Clearly anecdotal but so is YOUR experience.
I feel really sorry for you that you are such a sad bitter person that you are gleeful about the pain of others. I hope you feel whole enough in the future to not carry that hate in your heart.
anon
Was that last paragraph necessary? No…
Anon
Agreed. That was just nasty.
Anonymous
I think OP was nasty, the paragraph was an appropriate response
Anon
Yes, awful. Sad bitter person? No. Defensive, yes.
Anonymous
It was totally necessary. Thank you.
Anon
Agreed on all counts.
I mentioned an Indian-American friend (with lots of family currently in India) who considered it a dealbreaker when dating if an Indian-American guy mentioned wanting to return to India. That’s not because she’s ignorant of India (she’s been dozens of times, all over the country) or because she believes everybody in India is a stark-raving misogynist. Rather, it’s because she observed that Indian-*American* men who were interested in going back were dramatically less progressive and more traditional than Indian-American men who wanted to stay in the US, and that didn’t fit with her values. OP’s boyfriend is Indian-American so I think she’d be wise to be cognizant of that.
And yeah like you said, tons of red flags that had nothing to do with India, like the guy seemed like a total sleaze and having kids in a foreign country with a man who’s a citizen of that country always has some risk you’d lose custody of the kids.
Anon
I agree that the post the other day had some reductive comments, but saying the IVF case is giving you a “schadenfreude moment” is pretty nasty. That’s a choice.
Anon
+1
Cat
+2, this was probably the most disappointing opening comment I’ve ever seen here, and that includes E11en
Vicky Austin
+1 Sorry, OP, I can see what you were getting at, but I think you came across petty and defensive.
Anon
+1000, what a horrible comment. If seeing women suffering brings you joy, please seek professional help.
Anon
I hope that diatribe made you feel better.
Anon
Yea I’m not really sure of the purpose of this post. All she’s going to do is rehash something already discussed and the conversation will not go her way.
Anonymous
The purpose of the post was to be nasty.
Anonymous
Whataboutism is not a sound persuasive strategy.
Anon
Agree – the fact that the U.S. is continuing a terrifying slide into sexism and misogyny doesn’t mean anything about whether it’s GENERALLY safe to be a woman in India.
A Russian(-American) Woman
I mean, Russia has better reproductive rights than the US at this point, but I still would advise any woman considering moving there against it. Yes, it stings when (often badly informed) outsiders insult the place I was born and where I still have family, but that doesn’t mean that their comments are always factually wrong or that I need to blind myself to the very real issues.
Anon
+1 from another Russian-American. I just saw a story on Daily Mail (with the hilarious headline “From Russia With Hate”) about an evangelical couple who moved from Canada to Russia to get away from “pro-LGBT” and now are having a rude awakening about what life in Putin’s Russia is really like.
Anon
That case is so sad and scary. The wife is missing now apparently. Ultimate FAAFO.
Anon
And all of their $ is being tied up in Russian banks apparently and no one where they are will speak to them in English. And they were absolutely not forced to edit their video.
anon
I can’t find the article for the life of me. Link?
Anon
Looks like they changed the title: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13116159/Canadian-family-russia-bank-frozen-apology-feenstra.html
You can also read about this family in much more reputable sources than the Daily Mail. I just find DM entertaining because they make everything. So. Dramatic. !
Anon
I don’t claim to know a lot about India and did not engage in that conversation, but I do know that it makes a person look quite silly to drop in and accuse a lot of people of racism and ignorance, then act high-minded and claim you “will not engage.”
Anon
Who says we aren’t educated, well-read and well-travelled? I’m sorry you had to face some uncomfortable truths about your country that made you so defensive, but the fact remains that an American woman moving to India and potentially having children there is in a very precarious situation when/if her marriage ends.
Anon
Yup.
anon
I equally and strongly don’t want to move to India or Alabama (or Louisiana, Florida, Georgia…the list goes on), specifically as a woman of child-bearing age. Or just as a woman, with daughters and sisters and other women that I love.
Anon
I’ve met plenty of Indian guys on dating apps because my city has a huge influx of Southeast Asian immigrants. Every single one of them either a) had family back in India and was expected to move back home or b) had brought his family here and was expected to live with and care for them. In all cases these guys were absolutely under their parents’ thumbs and so would their future wives. It’s not racist to say that these cultural norms are incompatible with what I want in my own marriage.
Anon
Throwing this out there:
1. Regardless of cultural background, I would never encourage anyone to marry someone who comes from a domineering, “under the thumb” family, and hasn’t broken free from it. (Draw boundaries, go low contact, emotionally disengage, pick – just don’t be under their thumb.) Marriage is for adults, not for children, and adults shouldn’t be domineered by other adults.
2. Cultural forces can corrupt otherwise healthy people. They say that you’re the average of your five best friends. What happens when those five best friends all have beliefs you strongly disagree with? What if your five best friends change over time? We are social creatures. Going against the grain is HARD, and people wired to go against the grain aren’t always easy to be married to. (That’s me. It’s me.)
Anon
This. Even seemingly small cultural differences can matter. We are culturally Christian (meaning both our parents had us baptised as babies and we never went to church and we have a Christmas tree) and white – European middle class (lawyer and engineer). Our son is dating a young Catholic woman whose dad is a surgeon and they are annual ski trip, and own a boat and horses wealthy. I have concerns about their ultimate compatability due to religation and economic disparities even though she is a lovely woman.
Anon
Yup, I think too many young people overlook this point. I’m ethnically Jewish (not very religious) Russian-American and my closest friends from college are Chinese-American and Indian-American. We all dated a variety of guys, but ended up marrying someone from our respective cultural/ethnic background, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that nearly 20 years later all our marriages appear to be very solid. Life throws enough external stress at you, especially once you have childcare and eldercare in the mix. You don’t need the added stress of cultural conflicts.
Anon
I joke that every marriage is a cross-cultural marriage.
Anon
In some ways, yes, but starting in the same general ballpark is a big help.
Seventh Sister
I dated some lovely people that weren’t from my family’s culture or religious background. I think it could have worked out with a few of them, but to be frank, being from a similar background makes some things easier to handle as a couple. My MIL is still a narcissist, but I’m not trying to figure out whether her latest antics are based on a culture I didn’t grow up in/around.
For my own kids, especially my daughter, I want her in-laws to treat her like the absolutely wonderful person she is and not fill her life with sh*t, no matter who they are or where they are from, full stop.
A Russian(-American) Woman
I’m pleasantly surprised to see another Russian-American here because frankly, I always thought I was the only one :)
I’m married to US born guy with Italian roots but far removed (no current family there). Definitely often feels like a cross cultural marriage – his American middle class upbringing is often so foreign to me. I often think about how much easier some things would be if I married someone born in the USSR — but I didn’t end up meeting that person, so I’ll settle for his Italian grandma’s handwritten recipe notecards. My Soviet relatives were all terrible cooks.
Anon
Ummm India consistently ranks as one of the worst county to live in for women / girls. But sure, let’s ignore this for the sake of not “being racist”.
Anonymous
Yikes
Anon
It’s so early for popcorn
Vicky Austin
Never too early for popcorn!
Anon
Maybe we need a thread for popcorn recipes. Popcorn with rosemary and parm is my fav.
Anonymous
Can I start a popcorn thread on the afternoon post?!? (Don’t want to steal your idea without permission). I have a few recipes to share, it’s one of my fave snacks and I just think that it would be hilarious.
Anon
Go for it, Anonymous at 12:34!
Anonymous
Honestly you make some good points but the better English one? You’re a troll and you just majorly hurt your case.
Anon
Ha, that’s basically the only part of the post I agreed with. I’m in the southern Midwest and some of the grammar misuse here (“the car needs washed”) even by highly educated people drives me craaaazy. Not enough to move to India though.
Anon
Grammar is fluid, and nowhere in the US is without grammatical quirks! We don’t speak The Queen’s English here.
Vicky Austin
lol even in England they don’t always speak The Queen’s English. I find local vernacular like “needs washed” charming, especially if it doesn’t actually obscure the intended meaning.
Anon
Ooooh, I do not like the “needs [VERB]ed” thing, but didn’t realize it was midwest. I thought it was a Pittsburgh / West Virginia thing (and I say that realizing that Pittsburgh is emotionally in the Midwest but technically isn’t, but didn’t expect it to be a thing west of there).
Anon
Yeah, I’m in Ohio so same general region as PA and WV. I grew up in Minnesota and never heard it there.
Highlander
That construction is Pennsylvania Dutch in origin, I have been told.
Anon
I thought some of those comments seemed xenophobic, but no one even brought up things like in which country are you more likely to be disfigured by acid (which, for what it’s worth, I feel is better than being shot US style).
Anon
I feel like we can sometimes fix being shot but no one can fix acid attacks. Like how do you recover when the people who are your next of kin likely did this to you?
But I did think a lot of those comments were problematic.
anon
I somehow missed that thread, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some racist (subtly or overt) comments in it, but I agree with the general principle that it would not be a great idea to move there under the circumstances that are being described. Don’t get me wrong, as an Indian American woman, I love India and am proud of my ethnic heritage. I have family living in big cities like Bangalore who are incredibly successful and modern in every way, including my cousins who both had “love marriages.” I also do think the media is unfairly harsh on India and does paint it in that monolith light the OP described (often always associating it with slums and poverty, rather than all the vibrant and beautiful things about it). But the advice for the poster whose boyfriend asked her to move there generally seems correct.
anon
Agreed and thank you for posting this. Some of the comments were truly uninformed, racist and disgusting.Made me side-eye this board and the commenters here
Anon
Any wide generalization of huge countries with varying socioecomic, geographic, educational, etc indicators is going to be problematic.
Yes, India has terrible indicators for women. I don’t think OP is dating / engaged to someone who believes in acid attacks or that women shouldn’t work. The fact her partner immigrated to the US (and his family “let” him) already indicates he’s highly educated and of high socioeconomic status. He and his family likely don’t represent the norm for India.
Similarly, most Americans don’t have passports. People here frequently discuss international travel, yet that isn’t the norm for our country.
Anon
Thank you. Yes.
Anonymous
I’m chuffed I won an auction last night for the local school foundation – the local orthodontist had put up a package valued at $7000 (and I believe it because we were quoted $6000 for braces a few months ago; we’ve been waiting for his last molar to come in) and I won it for $2050!! thrilled.
Anyone care to share any great auction, estate sales, or thrifting finds?
nuqotw
Congrats!!!
Not an estate sale or anything…but when my mom and uncle were moving their mother out of her house, I got the dining room set (table, 6 chairs, sideboard) that no one else wanted. It’s probably out of style but I don’t really care; I like how it looks and I associate it with all sorts of fond/delicious memories. At the time we could not have justified buying something comparably nice.
Anonymous
I bought a 7ft tall, 5ft wide solid wood china cabinet with glass shelves and lighting in near mint condition at a charity shop in January for $145. It’s probably only 50 or 60 years old, but is in a more classic style and perfectly matches our decor.
Cb
We got a set of 6 midcentury chairs with dark green velvet upholstery for free on freecycle. They couldn’t be donated because they didn’t have fire tags. They match our vintage table really well and you can’t beat free.
Anon
Fire tags?! That is crazy. What isn’t combustible?
KS IT Chick
Thrifting find: I got a black leather moto jacket for $28 that I originally priced in a department store for $175.
Anon
So many clothing items from the Real Real! I’ve gotten a great prices on a suede jacket, Missoni dress, so much Akris workwear, two Celine bags, a 1980s Burberry tweed blazer, a Row mini dress I wear constantly, cashmere/silk blend cardigans, I could go on. I’ve built a great closet for a fraction of what it costs to buy new. I’m pretty proud of it.
Anonymous
Also an auction find: I got a Bottega Venetta crossbody bag for $155 at a hospital-related auction. It’s vintage but I love it!
Anonymous
I am a crazy antique lady, no one I know IRL is into antiques, so here are all last year’s finds because I haven’t been able to gush about how much I love them.
Louie xiv buffet with original marble top – $500 habitat restore, I think at an actual antique shop this would go for about $4k
Oak barristers bookcase from Justice Canada for $100, retail on just the bookcase would be about $800, no idea how much the providence of it would add value wise, the gentleman who sold it to me had an important father and it came from his office.
18th century Quebecois Chestnut Cabinetry with Tabernacle $1k, honestly no idea what retail would be for this piece, I’ve never seen something so special before I just needed to have it. I use it as a wardrobe.
Set of vintage Peugeot salt and pepper grinders $40. New ones are retail over $100 each and my research seems to indicate the vintage ones are more valuable since the gears are better quality.
LizzieBennet
Ugh I would LOVE a barrister bookcase. What a great find!
Anonymous
It truly was a great find! The ad was posted in the middle of the night (haha insomnia) so I was the first of many to reply to the ad, I picked the bookcase up a few hours later in the morning.
Anon
How did you learn about the different styles and what pieces are special? I’m really interested in learning more about antiques, but it feels overwhelming!
Anonymous
I wish I had good advice to learn styles, but honestly it was sort of like a weird osmosis/pattern recognition thing. I just read a lot of books, old furniture catalogues, hang out in antique forums on the internet, and antique in person. Furniture from various time periods and styles have common elements which you learn to spot easily, things like square legs on craftsman furniture or engravings on Eastlake furniture. What makes things special is how rare they are (so items before mass production that were hand carved or due to some event/sociocultural reason like whole cities burning down), wood species (chestnut for example is basically extinct making it valuable), provenance (an items history), and just general taste of the public.
All that said, just buy what you like, my pieces are all from different time periods and are in a variety of styles. I only get things that make my heart sing.
Anon
Thank you, this is helpful! My exposure to antiques has primarily been through my aunt (she has the most gorgeous 1700s home), but I’ve never really known quite what I’m looking at. I like the idea of osmosis through more reading (and travel!).
Eliza
Great finds!
I found an early 1800s Swedish corner cupboard for $500 a few years ago. They regularly sell for $4,000 and up. It’s one of my most treasured pieces.
anon
Limited release Blantons for $300 at the height of the pandemic galas from your sofa.
ALT
I found a pristine set of vintage Moritake gold-edged china for 12 at a thrift store for a fraction of what one of the serving pieces would cost alone. It’s beautiful and I love it and I love using it, minus the hand washing it.
Anonymous
My wedding china is fancy Haviland with platinum edges. I decided two years ago that the “traditional” 17th anniversary gift would be starting to use the dishwasher. I only use the china occasionally, but I haven’t seen any sign of wear.
Anon
Similarly, my sister was gifting me Spode Christmas Tree china one plate at a time, when I happened to come across a Craigslist ad for a whole set from a woman who was downsizing to move into senior living. I think I paid $200 ish, and it’s a huge set, place settings for 12. I didn’t really know anything about collecting it, but it turns out my set is the vintage Made in England version. We use it for the entire month of December every year, and now my kids are talking about how there’s enough for each of them to take half someday.
Anonymous
Awww. One of my most treasured memories was a friend of my mother’s who lived in a giant Victorian home and served her thanksgiving dinner on her Christmas Spode as the inaugural dinner of the holiday season. My parents eat every meal off of theirs from December first until New Year’s Day.
Anon
We serve Thanksgiving on some grocery store china my mom collected “for me” with stamps when I was just a baby. :)
Otherwise we can’t wait to get the Spode out. December 1 at the latest!
anonshmanon
I had the most magical 20 minutes at my goodwill last fall where I came out with two plain tshirts that are so versatile I pull them out all the time, plus an adorable one with a cactus print and a deep green botanical pattern pencil skirt, both of which get compliments every time I wear them.
Senior Attorney
My wedding gown was a gorgeous Tadashi Shoji evening gown that originally retailed for $650 or so. I found it at Nordstrom Rack, marked down to $250. And when they rang it up, it turned out to have been marked down again to $135. SCORE!
Anon
I love those cash register surprises!!
Anon
Congrats! I hope to win this next year when my 12 year old will likely be starting with Braces soon after. I’m so glad she puts this package up every year, it’s a very nice donation to the district.
Cora
How much jewelry do you wear, and how often do you change it up?
I love jewelry and especially love anything on my hands. On a daily basis I wear earrings and a couple stackable rings + a statement ring (not engaged/married). I would like to wear more/different pieces but I need to remember to switch things out.
Cb
I’m rubbish at this. I need to get two pairs of earrings that can stay in all the time. My engagement ring won’t come off anymore so that’s on all the time.
studs
I’ve worn the same small diamond studs daily for going on 12 years. I switch out to hoops or something fun maybe 5-6 days a month. Now that I’m 40 I think I want to upgrade them to like a carat? or maybe just .75
Anon
You can get flat back studs that are easier to sleep in than regular stud posts. But I think huggie earrings are the best for sleeping.
anon
Honestly, I’m lucky if I remember to put either my engage or wedding ring on before I leave the house or take a videoconference call.
I used to like jewelry more before I was married when I didn’t have to worry about how things look when I already have a ring on my left hand. I always feel like I have too much on these days if I wear anything more than the one ring.
anon
I don’t wear much. Always my wedding band, usually a small necklace for work. Sometimes a second ring on my right hand.
I abhor bracelets; they drive me insane. Statement necklaces can be fun, but if they are even a tiny bit heavy, I can’t wear them for more than a few hours.
Anon
Engagement/wedding band set on my left hand, a silver signet ring (that was all of a dollar) on my right hand
A thin gold chain bracelet and two small beaded bracelets on my left wrist
Earrings every day – this is where I change things up.
anonymous
Lots. Earrings daily and I mix them up and go bolder at night. All real gold or diamonds though. Stack of bracelets I’ve collected for milestones over the years. Wedding stack (I have multiple sets of wedding rings too, I’m not sentimental and new sets are also fun anniversary gifts). Right hand stack. Cartier watch. Necklaces or a scarf too. I love accessories and life is too short to leave them in the jewelry box.
Anonymous
When I’m just lounging, working from home, or running errands I just wear my Apple Watch and my wedding ring. (Engagement ring needs to be resized.) If I’m getting dressed I’ll often wear a necklace, earrings, and at least one ring — I have a large collection so I try to mix everything up and let it get wear.
Anonymous
I love jewelry too! There are two rings I wear everyday (wedding and ring with husband’s and child’s birthstone). Everything else changes. I take off all my jewelry at night and get 90% dressed before breakfast and, then, after breakfast I do the last 10%, which is typically a blazer of some sort, jewelry and maybe a belt. I think it helps me that it’s the last thing I do so I have 5-10 minutes to just think about finishing touches. I try to chose jewelry to complete my outfit. For example, I have a unique sapphire ring I will often wear with jeans because puts blue on me somewhere besides my legs.
Cat
I love earrings – particularly statement studs or small drops – and love my growing collection.
Have gotten into using charms from my mom’s old charm bracelet on a chain for interesting necklace variety.
What has helped me really wear all of what I have, vs. the same few pieces, was a jewelry box that makes it easy to store & see everything, vs. just leaving what I wore that day in a little dish and having everything else in a dresser drawer.
Vicky Austin
Current array is just my e- and wedding rings + one of a set of J. Crew factory huggies (gold/rose gold/silver depending on my outfit/mood). I loved to wear big earrings pre-baby.
I really want to get a nice watch again (my beloved Skagen disappeared in a cross-country move) and a right hand ring in my son’s birthstone and make those part of my daily wear.
I’d love to wear more necklaces in the style of the cute, thin chains that you always see the Princess of Wales or Duchess of Sussex wearing, but I have a small baby, so I’ve tabled that too.
DC Inhouse Counsel
I love earrings and I have nine piercings. For my two lobe piercings on both sides I have 3 different medium sized huggies that I rotate through for the first one and two small size huggies that I rotate through for the second one. One of each set is textured and one of each set is plain, and then for the medium ones one has sparkles. I don’t like to do the textured ones together, but I generally mix and match and change it up every day based on what I feel like wearing. Going up my ear on my left I have a lower cartilage flat circular stud that I don’t change, then a higher cartilage that I swap studs for, one that’s a triangle of three little balls and one thats the “f word” in cursive, I generally only wear that one at night/on the weekends lol. Then I have a rook piercing with just a plain curved bar with balls on the end, I don’t change this one. On my right ear I have a lower cartilage with stud that’s a small ball that I don’t change and a flat piercing with a little snake stud that I don’t change. All my earrings are gold so they all look good together.
Anon
I do through phases of jewelery I don’t take off. I wore a silver ring with a thistle and purple stone on my middle left finger for probably 3 or 4 years without taking it off.
I wore a gold initial necklace a teacher gave to me for about the same period of time and then switched to a blue semi precious stone pendant from my stepfather for about a year.
No daily necklace right now and I switched to wearing pinky rings as a break from the thistle ring. The stone on that one is wearing badly now and it’s a sentimental gift from my mom. Current pinky rings are one gold plated with two CZ set in a bow shape, and a sterling silver ring with smaller triangular CZ in more of a figure 8 or infinity sign design.
I got a second ear done at the begining of the year so that stays in for now. Earrings I dont wear when I wfh, and change it up when I do wear them.
I like the idea of bracelets, especially a thin chain that stays on, but the sensation of something sliding up and down on my wrist is irritating. I gave up on watches for the same reason. No unprofessional hairties on this lady.
Anon
I have a lot of jewelry. I’m sort of collector. I change it up pretty much daily. It’s my favorite.
I have a safe, by the way.
Anon
Two rings every single day, sometimes I alternate the one on my right hand. But never less than two.
Earrings every day. Sometimes dangles & no necklace. Sometimes studs + a necklace or two. I mix this up every day. I don’t have go-to earrings or necklaces. I like to work my way through my collection. I have double pierced lobes so that’s four earrings every day.
Bracelet every day. I have 5-6 I tend to rotate through.
Anone
golf polos and belt recommendations? where to purchase and brands? trying to find some for my husband as he gets into a stage if his career where it matters more how he dresses
Anonymous
My DH likes Peter Millar shirts. Billy Murray golf is also recommended if he’s a little more cheeky. Belts can run the gamut – does he want webbed or leather?
emeralds
In the interest of Anone’s ability to google, you mean William Murray, right? My husband also loves them.
Anonymous
You’re right! Thank you!
NYCer
Tommy Bahama has good basic golf shirts for men. They have plenty of solid colored options, despite what might immediately come to mind (floral print) when you hear Tommy Bahama. :)
Anonymous
W. Kleinberg has bougie golf belts
Anon
Peter Millar, Vineyard Vines, Ralph Lauren, and Birddogs (it runs more casual but everyone I know in finance loves this company).
anon
Another plug for Peter Millar. It’s also a great brand overall if he needs smart casual clothes. Be warned though, among a certain set, you can go to dinner at a restaurant and spot three other husbands dressed in similar outfits by their wives.
Anon
Ha, in some worlds that’s a feature, not a bug. See also the preponderance of Lilly, TuckerNuck, and LoveShackFancy among women of a certain age/class.
Anon
I get this with guys — staying within the box is OK. Lilly and TuckerNuck I see on grown women but LSF seems to be for the very young (those hemlines are so short!).
Anonymous
This is where I become immediately uncomfortable, know I am not among my people, and count the minutes until I can return to a place inside city limits.
Anon
In my city, this is inside the city limits. Outside the city limits and it’s RL polos from the outlet store.
UC
I have been battling a host of auto-immune diseases the past few years. Recently, I started cooking and eating more at home and replacing processed food. Where do you all buy meat that is 100% grass-fed or pasture raised? I would ideally like to buy in bulk but not sure where to start.
Anonan
use local harvest.org to find a local farm and order a side of beef to freeze.
anon
Good for you on your healthy eating. I am also new diagnosed with several auto-immune diseases, and it is pretty overwhelming to think about diet alterations too. Trying to be healthy, in general, but I don’t eat much meet.
Have you found a good support network somewhere local to you, or are you dealing with this pretty much on your own?
Anon
Try your local CSA. Some of them do meat and eggs along with veggies. If they don’t have the organic certification, it’s often because it’s too expensive for local farms.
Anon
Yeah I would not worry about organic certs at all. They don’t mean what they used to mean anyway.
Anon
We get ours at our local farmer’s market.
Anon
Farms. There are farms near me that will do pick ups on weekends or bring a box to a farmer’s market for picking up there.
anon
+1 I buy from individual farms, some of which have farmstands.
Anonymous
My normal grocery store carries a section of all grass fed. I don’t think it’s anything you should have to jump through weird hoops to find.
txanon
look for a local farmer who will sell you a cow or a half or quarter. If you have a garage (or someplace else you could put a freezer), buying a whole cow is a good way to get meat much cheaper.
Anon
Do you have a garage freezer you would recommend?
Anonan
get a vertical one that opens out rather than a chest freezer – way easier to keep organized
Anons
Disagree if your freezer is for storing meat – a chest freezer is more efficient. A fridge-style freezer is better if you’re using it to store frozen dinners and such.
Anon
Careful about keeping your back up freezer in the garage if you live somewhere where your garage actually freezes – most freezers can’t handle that.
For organization reasons I love a standing freezer but I do recognize that a chest freezer is better about staying cold. Get one with an alarm so you don’t accidentally leave it open!
anon
Or lamb or goat! There can be health benefits to mixing more non-beef red meat into your repertoire.
Anon
Bison is another good one that tastes a lot like beef, but it probably depends on what part of the country OP is in whether it’s available locally.
It’s not hard to find at regular grocery stores near me though!
Vicky Austin
+1 you might be able to go through local kids doing 4-H or FFA or whatever as well.
For a chest freezer, I don’t think you can go wrong with just going to Lowe’s or Home Depot and getting one that will fit in your space. It’s not a terribly complicated appliance. Ours is not at all fancy and has worked just fine in 3 houses.
Anonymous
Don’t eat beef at all. It’s not good for you.
Anon
I was advised to eat more beef by my medical team and my dietician, thanks!
anon
Interestingly, for some auto-immune diseases / protein needs / dietary restrictions more meat is encouraged. Sometimes you have to do what is best for your health, the best you can.
Anon
Setting aside the inappropriateness of this comment, it’s SUCH a myth that beef is bad for you. It contains dozens of essential nutrients in a dense package (and grass-fed beef in particular is extra good). I cannot wait for the “saturated fat is bad for you” myths to die at last.
Anon
I am a regular whole blood donor and co-sign for the beef. I love me a bean burrito, but there are only so many beans and so much oatmeal that my colon can take.
Anonymous
How is it inappropriate. Beef is unhealthy and terrible for the environment.
Anon
It’s not unhealthy for everyone. I don’t know where OP lives, but 100% grass fed meat is not the environment’s biggest problem, by far.
Anon
It’s definitely bad for the planet.
Anonymous
Grass-fed beef? Not really. Massive, industrial grain-fed meat, sure, but beef eating grass and making compost is a good thing for soil quality and nutrients, which the the planet very much needs.
Mono crop agriculture, on the other hand, really is terrible.
Anonymous
Nor is it good for the planet
Anon
She didn’t ask you. She’s following medical advice.
Anons
Stemple Creek ships bulk boxes. If you’re in the SF Bay Area, you can get a whole or half animal and pick it up from the butcher.
https://stemplecreek.com/
Vicky Austin
You can also do ButcherBox for grass-fed etc; we’ve been very happy with ours since switching when I was pregnant.
Anonan
ok this is not what you asked but I do want to add that I have several AI diseases and while managing my diet really does help (no gluten, minimize processed foods, lots of produce etc) I went waaaay down the elimination diet rabbit hole and it really messed me up. Even now, years later, I sometimes find myself stressing that something completely healthy, like tomatoes, might be hurting me. So please consider your mental health and propensity to developing issues with food if you start in on Whole30/AIP/FODMAP/etc
Anon
I’m sorry you experienced it this way.
I had almost the opposite experience: I feel that I know a ton of foods don’t bother me since I was able to reintroduce them with no issue once gluten was out of the picture, and I’m much more at peace with food now.
I do have weird nightmares about getting glutened sometimes though! I am not sure this is about food anxiety so much as that sometimes I feel lousy in my sleep and my dream tries to come up with an explanation?
But I agree that it’s best to go into a medical elimination diet with some thoughtfulness and support.
anon
Is your dietician someone who works specifically with patients with auto-immune disorders who helps you navigate this? It is difficult, I can imagine, and I am going down this road too unfortunately.
Anon
The dietician focused more on ensuring nutritional adequacy (harder than it sounds even on a non-restricted diet if activity and thus calories are limited at all by symptoms).
I wish all the resources like Whole30 had been around at the time because the way it was approached was very focused on what I could NOT have, and the dietician made sure I wouldn’t get intake deficiencies from it. I think more of a “glass cup full” framing (focusing on what to eat, in other words, with shopping lists and meal plans) might have been nice. Maybe if I had seen the dietician more times we would have done more of that though!
Anonan
I am genuinely so glad you have had success with this. I think it has a lot to do with personality and your existing relationship with food. In my case, the diets mostly didn’t work and I blamed myself for not doing more and more and more and ended up in a very bad place mentally.
Anon
I believe you. I had a counterproductive experience with therapy of all things (I guess because of blaming myself for not having better stress management).
I’ve been watching the CAR-T trials and hoping that more effective treatments are coming so that “management” isn’t as necessary with these conditions in general!
Anon
Check out your local farmer’s market. From there you can find places where you can do things like buy a cow share.
Anon
I buy from butcher box because I don’t have the space to store in bulk. When I have space for an extra freezer, I’ll buy a half cow (grass fed) from a local farm.
Daycare Mama
I posted this late yesterday and it generated a few very helpful insights so I thought it may be worth reposting during “high traffic” time.
My 2-year-old’s daycare teacher was fired for abusing another kid in his class. The school didn’t share any information with parents – just that the teacher had left. I know what happened because I’m friends with the parent who witnessed the abuse (which was picking up a child and angrily throwing them on a cot) and filed a police report. It also came up in the DCFS report online- the daycare received 4 major violations regarding child neglect and inappropriate behaviors and was put on a protective plan. I had gotten not-great vibes from this teacher and heard her raise her voice a few times but nothing that would make me report her. My son has also increased negative physical behaviors since she became his teacher a few months ago. I don’t know if the teacher has anything to do with this.
Should the school have informed parents about what happened? I understand confidentiality and legal limitations, but I feel like there should have been a way to tactfully inform parents that teacher X left due to a safety incident, that the school is fully cooperating with law enforcement, that safety is our number one priority, that this is the first allegation against the teacher, that there is not evidence to suggest any other child was involved, and that we can’t share anything else at this time due to legalities. Or something like that .
Is it okay that I’m mad about this? I wonder if this teacher has done this before, and if she’s been observed and ignored? I have zero evidence of this, but I can’t help but wonder. The daycare also got dinged for improper staff to student ratios, and they’re desperate for teachers.
Cb
I wonder if they can’t say anything until there is a full investigation. I absolutely get your anger, but I suspect the daycare staff and management is equally shocked and horrified by this, and struggling to make sense of what they can and cannot do.
Anon
Of course it’s ok that you’re mad about this! I’d be furious! I don’t know if legally the school was not allowed to say something about the teacher but they should have at least sent some communication expressing their focus on safety
Anon
I agree. I would absolutely be mad and would expect far more information.
anon
Same.
anon
Agreed. This is crisis communications 101. I would be upset.
Anon
Wow, time to switch daycares.
anon
I think your next step should be to talk with the director from a place of kindness (this situation could very well be the worst situation in the director’s entire career) and curiosity. A daycare’s crisis comms strategy is a whole lot less important than hearing how the director answers your questions (or not).
Based on the answers, you’ll probably have enough information to either feel confident keeping your child there or to know that you need to withdraw from this program.
Anonymous
No this is stupid. We don’t have to be kind and curious about children being abused. Come on.
Anon
I know, what even is this? Female socialization and fear of being called a Karen? Have a spine, ladies! You do NOT have to be kind about abuse!
anon
The director is not the abuser and, with this fact pattern, we have zero evidence the director did anything wrong.
The daycare directors I know are people who have devoted their careers to caring for children for little pay. They wouldn’t even know crisis comms consultants exist, let alone know where to hire one. They would be absolutely distraught if one of their staff abused a child.
Going in unkind makes it harder to get the relevant information from a person who spends their life very gently communicating with children. It is also a crummy thing to do absent evidence of director wrongdoing.
Anon
This. It could be that the center did everything correctly and possibly the police have said not to discuss, especially if they are a witness. If it is a chain, the chain may have some procedures. A mom and pop may be overwhelmed.
Anonymous
They can at least say “we understand that these allegations are out there and you are concerned. This is what the police told us not to discuss. These are the procedures and policies we have instituted to protect your children going forward.”
anecdata
I think there are two very good reasons to be angry:
You and other parents need that info to ask the right systemic questions: what environmental factors let this happen and do any of those need to change (to your point: did a co teacher have concerns but not know how to report it? Understaffing? Ignoring early warnings?
– Often, being clear when someone has been removed due to misconduct makes it easier for other victims to come forward
Anonymous
Maybe post this on the Moms site for better engagement?
Anonymous
I don’t understand this? Of course it’s fine to be mad. Why haven’t you taken your kid out of this place already?! Take leave if you have to. Why dwell on what they could have communicated instead of focusing on finding new childcare.
Anon
I don’t know what I don’t know — you could get a copy of the police report. Every daycare is scrambling for staff and violating ratios doesn’t equal a safety / abuse incident (people can have more relaxed ratios in other settings like home day cares and within families). So that is a very separate problem. Any time you have humans, you can have problems. Ratios help, windows help, but daycare workers are gems of people making poverty wages and humans are going to have human failings.
Anon
No one who abuses kids is a gem of a person, come on.
Anon
Obviously that’s not what was meant here. The ratios give people visibility and increase the chance that abuse is quickly found. A 1:4 ratio means nothing if there is only one adult in a room. So you will have a lot of glass and windows and not full darkness. Assuming 99 gems and one person who maybe isn’t suited for this career, what best protects your child? A second adult and a lot of windows. For this reason, I did not go the nanny route with an infant and would only use a commercial daycare. I would use a nanny with an older child though.
Anon
I’ve never heard of a daycare that had only one adult in the room. Every daycare center I’ve heard of has 2 adults and either 6 or 8 kids in infant rooms depending on whether the state ratio is 1:3 or 1:4 (both are common).
Anon
Right — that’s why instead of two rooms of 1:4 infants, you have a big room of 2:8 infants. And then there are floaters because someone has car trouble or is sick or the bus breaks down. With pandemic bonus funding drying up, I’m shocked that anywhere can make ratios these days.
Anonymous
This happened at my daughter’s sports club and we were never able to get more information. The case was prosecuted in juvenile court even though the defendant was an adult because the victim was a juvenile, which meant that the charges, outcome, and other information weren’t posted on the court information system. The disciplinary case against the coach with the sport’s governing body was also secret. We pulled our daughter from the club. I would assume that in this case he preschool is trying to protect itself, but it seems that if the school hadn’t been negligent in failing to notice the abuse a better strategy would be full transparency.
Anon
I think parents have to be advocates in these cases and work to obtain all the information. There was a case in Kentucky this month where a “woman” sexually assaulted a baby under his charge in a daycare and didn’t even receive jail time. Apparently he had been written up several times before, but the complaints were swept under the rug. I doubt the parents were ever informed. My point is, be the advocate your child needs and don’t assume everyone at the daycare has your child’s best interests at heart.
Anonymous
Maybe actually research things a bit. There was no jail time because it was an anon caller and no actual evidence of anything inappropriate (my guess is that it was someone not happy someone trans was allowed to be around kids). No actual credible news source is saying otherwise. (And, no, ONN is not a credible news source. Or should we call it “news.”) If anyone wants to read for themselves, a quick search of “Maria Childers” and Kentucky will bring up all sorts of nut job or dubious reports versus actual information from neutral news outlets.
I agree that people need to advocate for their kids.And I don’t doubt child abuse occurs, and probably more frequently these days as ratios worsen and it’s job with low pay and little training. But this also probably explains why you don’t get more transparency until a complete investigation and legal process proceeds. An anon caller with a grudge can ruin an innocent someone’s entire life, especially if parent gossip mills suddently turn fiction into fact.
If it were me, I’d quite worrying about the program’s communication strategy and find a different child care provider with better ratios and clear safety protocols.
Anon
Why are you defending that creep?? The court records show that the initial tip (which was from a coworker) was corroborated. He was charged with first degree sexual abuse of a victim under 12 and first degree criminal abuse of a child. These were amended as part of a guilty plea. Seriously, defending this piece of human scum is not a good look. HE MOLESTED A BABY.
Anon
At first I thought that this is all a good point and then googled it to: guilty plea. OMFG.
Anons
“My son has also increased negative physical behaviors since she became his teacher a few months ago” is a much bigger issue here. You know that this teacher was willing to abuse a small child IN FRONT OF A PARENT WITNESS. What do you think was happening when she thought nobody was watching? I doubt that it’s coincidence that your little one has had increased negative behavior since this person became his teacher.
There are situations where it’s appropriate to reach out to the daycare with caution. This isn’t one of them.
A
I would be livid.
OP Daycare Mama
Hi everyone, OP here. Thank you for the additional insights. I probably should have posted this to the Moms site, but I was in a hurry and forgot. I knew I wanted to withdraw my child, but wanted to give the school a chance to share their side to see if there was anything I was missing. Selfishly, I wanted to also advocate to get my 2-year-old AND my newborn’s daycare deposits back, because that is a LOT of money and per policy, the school requires 30 day notice.
Anyhow. I did communicate with the director yesterday evening via email and the assistant director this morning by phone. Basically, they stuck with one talking point: “These allegations are unfortunate. We can’t say anything due to legal reasons. But, trust me, your child is safe with us.” Note, they said the “allegations” were unfortunate, not what allegedly happened with the child. (And a trusted friend witnessed and reported the incident – I have no reason to disbelieve her.)
I told them that just because a parent witnessed physical abuse once, doesn’t mean it never happened during other times. It’s possible it could have happened to other kids. Even if not, it’s likely that other kids witnessed this abuse. I personally saw red flags with the teacher. All this considered, I felt that if the school prioritized student safety, it would have worked with law enforcement and possibly an attorney to appropriately communicate information to families, support the kids, and to determine if there were other instances of abuse.
Even after sharing this, the director reiterated the same talking point, said I could talk to the regional director, and then re-emphasized, “but your child is safe.”
I have zero faith in them now. I was able to withdraw my child (and my newborn, who hasn’t started yet – luckily, I’m on maternity leave and have some wiggle room and am in the process of securing new care) and she said that I’ll receive my deposit back by mail in 6-8 weeks, which seems like a ridiculous amount of time, but I’m grateful not to be out thousands of dollars.
BTW, the daycare is a corporate giant, with locations throughout the country. Ugh.
Thanks again for listening and sharing insights!
Anons
6-8 weeks? Oh, hell no. They’re dragging it out in the hopes that you’ll get distracted and forget about it, or that they can delay further. If you have the bandwidth it’s definitely worth escalating this to Corporate – wouldn’t surprise me if the local franchise is hiding this allegation from higher ups.
anon
Thanks for the update! I’m glad you’re getting your deposit back and hope you find a good program soon.
I’m the anon who encouraged approaching the director with kindness and curiosity. What you got from the director would make me pull my kids too. This director sounds nothing like the wonderful, dedicated daycare leadership I know, who may be unsophisticated in crisis comms, but always answer questions in an honest, caring, and forthright manner.
Anon
This happened near me at a local childcare center and it was MAJOR news. I would move daycares. The fact that a parent, not staff, reported it is concerning – it’s possible that the staff looked the other way and part of a pattern. I would also wonder at police – are they not investigating if it could have happened to other kids? Did they interview other parents? It really doesn’t surprise me that it’s a corporate giant – they typically have the worst pay.
anon
our daycare is absolutely terrible at crisis comms and sometimes makes a situation seem even worse, but the actions that they are taking are ultimately more important than their communications (aviate, navigate, communicate)
Anon
Pragmatically, consider moving your kid to a daycare with video monitoring, if that’s an option in your area.
Anon
I see the appeal of this, especially for a family who’s been in a situation like OP’s, but there are a lot of privacy concerns about video taken in daycares and how bad actors could potentially gain access to it. We specifically sought out a daycare that *didn’t* have video monitoring for this reason.
Also all the staff will know where the cameras are and anyone who wanted to do anything sketchy could easily do it off camera, so I’m not convinced a camera does much to cut down on bad behavior.
Anon
I’m the Anon at 1:10 pm. I do not have a smart-anything in my home, don’t install apps on my phone, keep my kid off social media, all that… and I am very happy that my kid’s daycare has video.
We had an incident where kiddo was acting in very unusual ways, and we brought it up to the daycare. They reviewed footage and I think the child who was bullying him was removed. (Yes it was a child – she would just haul off and attack my kid.)
Seventh Sister
I think it’s OK to be mad, and to think about switching daycares. But IME, even really good daycare directors (good with kids, good with employees, good with running the business) tend to fall short in terms of how to communicate well with parents. Unfortunately, mostly-adequate communication seems to be an industry standard.
As for the increased negative physical behaviors, I remember that 2 was about the age the The Season of Mutual Biting happened in my kids’ daycare classes. It was unpleasant but developmentally appropriate, and eventually everyone talked well and stopped biting.
Financial Advisor - WWYD
I know money posts aren’t everyone’s favorite, so please feel free to scroll by as I’m getting in to some specific numbers below. You’ve all been so helpful – learned so much on that insurance post yesterday! – so thought I’d try today.
WWYD — We use an Ameriprise advisor. Found them through a friend when we really needed some coaching back in 2018. They were a desperately needed “money therapist” at the time – I was an obsessive saver to the point it was a problem. They also helped get LTD, STD, life policies set up. Helped get estate planning going, 529s are set up. Rolled in some IRAs, have helped do Roth conversions. We’re waaay ahead of track for retirement at this point, all thanks to them.
We pay them an annual fee of $2500 and we get 2x/year meetings to check in on goals, throw ideas off them (how should we save/plan for/spend for big purchase, renos, etc). We’ve rolled old employers IRAs over there and opened 529s with them.
Fast forward to today. We’re late 30s. Our family is complete. We’re in our “forever” home with a sub 3% mortgage (it’s our only debt). I think we’re in coast mode as much as we’ve ever been. I’m not convinced we’re getting a bang for our buck at Ameriprise. The money therapy is no longer needed. Regarding the currently 2x/annual check ins, I’m just not sure the combined 90 minutes is worth $2500?? Plus, and I’m ashamed to not know this, presumably they’re making some kind of fee/commission off of the IRAs?? They’re in what I can only describe as being in Ameriprise-branded “funds of funds”? One is actively managed, which I know has a higher fee load, and one is not.
So, what do I do? Now that baby #2/last baby is behind us (2 months old!) I’m very committed to figuring this all out. Time to cut the cord with Ameriprise and save the $2500?? Move everything to Fidelity? Do they have advisors we can check in with periodically for a low fee or no fee? I still would like some kind of periodic check in to confirm we’re on track.
FWIW, and just to be real specific so you know magnitude of assets we’re talking about – my 401k is $350k at Fidelity. DH is $200k at Vanguard (likely leaving job soon so will be able to bring 401k to wherever we go next). We have $225k in IRAs at Ameriprise and $50k in 529s at Ameriprise.
anon
Yes, it is time to get out, when you have the stomach for it. You got help when you needed it but you should be able to take it from here. Sit down and write a summary of all of your money, and if you want to make yourself feel bad… write down all of the expense rations/fees you are paying. I also wonder if your LTD STD and life policies are all kosher/needed….
I would recommend moving everything to Fidelity. I have worked with Fidelity, Vanguard, and TIAA. I love the Vanguard philosophy of low fee, index fund investing, but their customer service and website are not great. Fidelity is much more user friendly, I have been satisfied with the customer service, and I utilize them as my “bank” for bill pay / checking too.
You can go to the Boglehead’s website/bulletin boards, and you can start learning/posting with specific questions and the group is a great one (like here!) that will help you…. make money, save your money, and keep it simple.
OP
I’ve similarly wondered about LTD, STD and life policies. I think we’re over insured. In their defense (I guess?) we placed them in what was an exceptionally high earning year for us (I have a commission component to my comp) that, while fun, is not likely to be replicated nor needed in forward looking financial planning. They based the replacement income off of what I was earning then, which always felt really really unnecessary. It’s the one criticism – I felt pressured to purchase it at that level and at the time we just needed to get it all in motion so we did it. Provider of all policies is an affiliate of Ameriprise, which we didn’t ask at the time and I’m sure was disclosed deep in some paperwork, but I’ve since definitively confirmed.
anon
I would leave that stuff in place while your kids are babies. You’ve got some expensive years ahead of you when you would most need the replacement cash were something terrible to happen.
Anon
Don’t drop that insurance. You will never be as insurable as you are today. As you get older it gets harder and harder to find any insurance company willing to cover you.
OP
Definitely understood. Though we were told we can lower coverage with no issue. We definitely wouldn’t drop outright.
anon
It’s also fine for your husband to keep everything at Vanguard, and move everything over to Fidelity from Enterprise and see how you like it. I’ve had accounts at both for years, and finally this year am moving everything to Fidelity. Even though I invest primarily in low cost index funds/ETFs from Vanguard, I can still “own” those at Fidelity, and take advantage of Fidelity’s better customer service. I have a Charitable Giving Fund t Fidelity too, which is great for keeping my donations organized and efficient.
Anon
That’s actually not an insane price but you need a fee only fiduciary advisor who’ll provide recommendations but not actually manage your money. Your goal shouldn’t be “low or no fees”- they’re just hiding their fees in the accounts and costing you WAY more. White Coat Investor has some great info for high net worth individuals.
joan wilder
I have a fee only financial advisor which was a one time charge to go over everything and make recommendations and set budget and help select funds (no commission) and then I can pay hourly for future check ins. I recommend this. I also second Fidelity’s customer service; they were incredibly helpful, actually shockingly helpful, when my mom passed and we inherited her IRA and some other assets.
Bette
The issue with Ameriprise is not the cost of the planning meetings but the expense ratios of the funds. It’s generally way above market.
anon
+1
Bette
Yeah, Ameriprise has very high fees.
I’d either find a fee only based advisor (white coat investor website has a good list) or switch to vanguard which is dramatically lower fees and uses low cost vanguard funds
I’m in a very similar boat. We are currently pregnant with our third and use vanguard to manage our money. Plan to switch to a fee only based advisor in the next three years when I have more time to self manage our investing. Right now the costs of vanguard is something I’m willing to pay.
Vanguard is .03% of Assets under management (AUM) and has unlimited meetings. They also administer my husbands solo 401k as part of this charge.
anon
Fidelity does have advisors. Fees are 0.20% to 1.50% depending on how much you invest with them. I don’t know if they have a one time fee option or not. In any case it sounds like you don’t need much help at this point, and your portfolios aren’t that big. Fidelity has some tools you can play around with yourself to see whether you’ll meet certain goals. Try that and see if it provides enough insight for your needs before opting for a human advisor. I personally don’t have all of my eggs at Fidelity but I use their Full View feature to link all my accounts for a big picture view, and their retirement tool is able to pull in real time numbers to calculate my retirement outlook.
Anon
Not what you asked, but your 529 seems extremely well-funded relative to your retirement and I would prioritize retirement going forward. No shade, I’m the same age and my retirement savings are similar, but there are loans and scholarships for college and not for retirement.
OP
Def agree with sentiment and we’be slowed 529 savings recently, but our advisor says we’re in really good shape for retirement. To be clear, and equally no shade, I’m trusting advisor’s advice over an internet stranger. But curious if you think we’re not on track? On track is subjective I know…
Fwiw we also have $250k cash and $700k in home equity.
Anon
Agreed… it’s hard to know exactly how much you need. Candidly with slightly higher retirement savings and the same home equity (much less cash though) I do feel behind. I’m well aware we’re doing better than the vast majority of people, but it feels like we’ll never have the multi-millions needed for expensive end of life care, and I fear becoming a financial burden to our kids at the end of our lives. I think that would be much worse for a kid than having to take some loans for college or go to college at a less selective school where they can get merit aid.
Anon
We use Ameriprise as well. We have the free version even though they keep trying to upsell us to the version you have.
We still have 2x yearly calls, regular account maintenance etc.
one of my husbands accounts is upgraded to a small fee due to the size of it, but that was also optional. I think it gets more attention than the accounts we have that are coasting and steadily building.
Anon
My husband worked at Ameriprise for a few years and personally I would avoid them like the plague. Their advisors don’t sound particularly well-informed and the culture is very toxic. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had a Wells Fargo-type scandal in the next few years.
Anon
I had a really terrible experience with having an advisor at VALIC. Hard sell, and they made it almost impossible to close and move my account. Really poor response from customer service (people who weren’t my advisor) as well.
Anon
Apparently Republican politicians in Alabama have introduced legislation in the state house to exclude IVF from the state’s “a life starts from the moment of conception” construct. They appear to mean “not THAT kind of conception.” It really lays the whole thing bare, doesn’t it. It was never about life.
Anonymous
I am trying to figure out the strategy here. Are they trying to make the issue in the case moot so SCOTUS will decline cert and the decision won’t be overturned? That seems counterproductive because SCOTUS would certainly uphold it. Or are they afraid that the decision will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, starts a revolt within their party, and gets them voted out of office?
Anon
I’d put money on someone in the GOP caucus is currently in the IVF process and realized real quick with an appointment cancellation email what the consequences of the decision are.
Anon
Why would there be an appointment cancellation? This is a wrongful death action, not something that outlaws IVF.
Anon
Um, read the news?
Anonymous
I’m sorry no. Google it. Don’t make us all educate you.
Nesprin
Because IVF involves creating embryos, many of which will not give rise to successful pregnancies, and if discarding or accidental destruction of embryos is now grounds for a wrongful death suit, IVF clinics cannot exist. Not to mention that IVF (and pregnancy in general!) is risky and without the ability to terminate a dangerous or nonviable pregnancy or a pregnancy with multiples, fertility medicine has gotten deeply dangerous for patients and financially risky for the doctors who manage those pregnancies.
Anonymous
AL IVF clinics closed in the wake of the decision. There
Anon
Legal and policy takes:
The actual case was from couples who stored embryos, signed paperwork agreeing that they could be destroyed or donated to science after a time, and filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the clinic. The AL Supreme Court said in its opinion that it could only decide the case in front of it and what was briefed, so they couldn’t decide issues of estoppel, waiver, or other affirmative defenses (pg. 24 of the opinion).
The opinion also said that the policy arguments were for the legislature, not the court, to decide. It’s riddled throughout the opinion: take that to the legislature.
Legal fictions do exist and are necessary. Imagine you’re nine months pregnant and driving down the highway. A drunk driver hits your car; you are seriously injured; your baby dies. Most states would charge vehicular homicide. However, no state would arrest *you* for having two people behind the wheel.
Now policy time: do you want women to be forced to gestate their frozen embryos?
I have long thought that these things should start at implantation in the womb. Ectopic pregnancies wouldn’t be covered by any type of pro-life legislation. IUDs would be allowed, as would Plan B.
Part of the law is figuring out what you are okay prohibiting and what you might find to be undesirable but beyond the scope of the government.
Anons
IUDs would not be okay.
Also, you’re optimistic about how a state would never arrest a pregnant woman in that situation. What if the police at the scene decided the pregnant woman smelled like alcohol, or concluded she was driving recklessly?
Legal and policy arguments that rely on “but surely they would NEVER” are absolutely flawed.
Anon
Exactly on both counts! They may not charge the woman with homicide in that case, but what if she rearended someone and the impact causes a miscarriage? There are lots of scenarios where this type of law can be used in very scary ways.
Anon
What I said is that the police would not arrest her for having two people behind the wheel. The context is legal fictions that are sometimes necessary to make things run smoothly.
Sorry you don’t understand a clear post. (Shrug)
Anons
Of course the police could arrest her for having two people behind the wheel if they wanted to. Police arrest people all the time for frivolous ‘legal fictions’ when they think someone has been insufficiently deferential, or if they want a pretexual arrest. Perhaps consider that a “clear post” can still be poorly thought out, instead of being overly defensive and catty?
Anon for This
I believe this poster is saying that in her (pro-life) view, IUDs would be acceptable because they generally interfere with fertilization and implantation, rather than “killing” an implanted zygote/embryo. A lot of pro-life people make implantation their dividing line. That is not to say there is not a faction that thinks that IUDs are abortions, largely based on the marketing of their use as emergency contraception, or that that faction is not in control of the Alabama (and probably Tennessee and Texas legislatures).
I am myself pro-choice and only vote for pro-choice candidates, but even I have a line at which I do not think a woman should be allowed to abort a healthy fetus and I recognize a good faith dispute over where to draw that line. Personally I prefer the model of most European countries – abortion up to 14 to 24 weeks on request and for health reasons thereafter as determined by a physician (and not by politicians). And that to be accompanied by easy and inexpensive access to early term abortion and birth control.
This is more nuanced that “abortion on demand up to 40 weeks” vs. “anything that prevents conception is murder”.
Anon
14 to 24 weeks is a huge range of cutoffs. At 14 weeks, you very well may not yet know about a problem with the fetus and/or haven’t had time to research it yet.
Anons
No, what I was saying is that there is a large portion of anti-abortion activists who believe that the Pill and IUDs prevent implantation and are therefore a form of abortion. Whether this is scientifically accurate is not relevant to their position.
What you believe to be the proper “compromise” or “good faith” argument is beside the point. The idea that a legal fiction would protect pregnant women, or that of course police would never arrest a pregnant woman in a car accident, is wishful nonsense. The government of Alabama has decided a frozen embryo is legally the same as a born human being. All sorts of consequences flow from that, and there is nothing to stop banning IUDs or arresting a pregnant woman for “endangering a child” if a police officer wants a pretextual arrest or to punish the woman for being “uppity”.
Anon
Not to mention that naturally eggs get fertilized and don’t implant, or don’t last very long, too.
Anonymous
I thought the Republicans’ eventual goal was to prosecute women in these cases too.
Anon
Source?
Anonymous
It is
LizzieBennet
Criminalization of pregnancy outcomes has been going on for a long time. Here’s an article from The Guardian: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/sep/19/steep-rise-criminalizing-pregnant-people-during-roe-report
Anon
I was more talking about chemical pregnancies than miscarriages. I mean, I’m sure they’d love to go after that, too, but there are also plenty of cases where you’re pregnant for a day or two and that’s it.
Anon
Someone in AL was quoted in the paper saying “a pink line on a pregnancy test isn’t the finish line.” As someone who has been through two pregnancy losses, I know all too well I don’t have a baby. The lack of compassion shown by men in power (and many women) is simply astounding.
Anon
We must have readers here who live in Alabama, Florida, Texas. I assume you live there because you want to/made a choice to live there. How do these things (IVF/abortion in AL; measles in schools in FL; healthcare generally in TX) affect you? Asking because I really wonder. It can’t really be the way it seems to those of us far away in blue states.
Former Southener
I do not live there any more because my career path took me to another state, but most of my family lives in North Carolina, Tennessee, and Texas. The reality is that it does not impact most women. If it did, they would probably care more. As an example, my sister lives in North Carolina. If her teenage daughter got pregnant, she would not have difficulty getting her to a facility that performs abortions in her first trimester. When my Texas step-sister’s ultrasound revealed a major problem, she just quietly flew to another state and told everyone she had a miscarriage while she was on vacation. These laws disproportionally impact the poor. And even in states with easy access to voting, poor and non-white people are less likely to vote. That is obviously exacerbated in places where affirmative barriers to voting are in place.
Also, to use one of your examples, that measles outbreak is obviously serious and an indicator of things to come. But six children have been diagnosed in a population of over 21 million people. The Florida surgeon general’s response is newsworthy but I suspect most people in Florida are shrugging their shoulders, particularly if their own children are vaccinated.
Final note: It is easy to say people “chose” to live there. But my sister and her husband live in our home town. There are elderly parents there. All of their friends are there. They have three children in schools. They both have jobs that require state-issued licenses. And they can live a much nicer life for a lot less money than in a lot of blue states. My step-sister’s job transferred her there, where she met her husband who has two children from a prior marriage with whom he shares custody with their mother. They cannot exactly just pack up and move to another state.
Anon
+1
The social support and cost of living considerations are a big, big deal. If you’re used to your safety net being your bank account, your cultural capital, and your social circle (after years of living in a place where universal safety nets are far from adequate), giving that all up to spend more money on CoL feels risky.
If you can’t benefit from all of the better social services in the blue state anyway (say, even the best public school isn’t going to work out for your kid; I know more than one family in this situation), it may make a lot more sense to stay where you are.
Anon
I’m in Texas; my friends and family are horrified. I have a friend who has been going through IVF and is just so grateful her fourth attempt took before TX perhaps follows suit. So much out of our Legislature and the AG’s office is extreme conservative politics. We have been wanting to leave for a while now, but our family, lifelong friends, home, and jobs are here so I’m not sure when we will make the jump. That it was 85 degrees yesterday in my city is also a good incentive to go – I’m terrified of how hot it is now during summer.
Anonymous
I only know one person who willingly lives in Florida, she’s a doctor so she has the resources to deal with situations. Everyone else I know who lives in Florida is there due to being born there and cycles of poverty/lack of economic mobility and unfortunately those folks typically can’t vote due to poll hours, gerrymandering etc.
anon
I am in Texas, primarily for work but after a decade my life is here. After Dobbs, I made an appointment to swap out my near the end its life IUD with a new one. I was not the only one among my friend group that did it a bit early because of the decision, and my doctor acknowledged as much. In my very blue dot in a large city and a very bougie clinic, the OBGYN’s nurse/practice manager told me to fill the misoprostol script immediately, and suggested which nearby pharmacy’s would be “best” and told me that if that did not work, to call her directly. I still had to get the pharmacist involved when the person at the window claimed to have it “out of stock” who apologized and immediately filled it herself. A family member is going through IVF, had a late loss and had the doctor tell her (in an absolutely compassionate way) to be thankful and that she was so lucky that there was no heart beat because they could perform the D&C immediately (because the alternative would be that much worse). Let me be clear, this is the world for very privileged white women with resources for basic health care.
Anon
I live in Indiana. So many complicated thoughts:
1) I’m in a ridiculously privileged position of just squeaking out my last baby while abortion was still legal here. I had drawn up plans on where to go in Illinois if it was illegal and I ever had a serious concern during the pregnancy. If we wanted more kids, there’d be serious considerations about moving or not having more.
2) Our families are here. Our jobs are here. “Want to” live here is more we want these supports that feel very necessary with 2 young kids.
3) I’m a Pediatrician. I definitely feel like it’s my duty to stay and fight.
anon
Thank you for staying and fighting.
From another doctor.
Anon
Hi fellow Hoosier! Agree with all your points, and thank you for fighting the good fight and taking care of our kids.
I did make my husband get a vasectomy after Roe was overturned. We were 99% sure we were done having kids, but after the ruling I wanted certainty.
Anon
After our recent discussions about parents dating/remaining single later in life, I enjoyed this article: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/21/well/live/seniors-single-dating.html
Evidence shows that people are more satisfied with being single the older they get!
Cb
That’s really interesting. My grandma has been married/in long-term relationships forever… divorced 1, 2, outlived 3, 4. I think in her 80s, she is no longer seriously dating, but she has a man she goes to church and Sunday lunch with. My aunt is the same way, she was widowed in her 20s, divorced in her 30s, and 40s, and remarried in her 50s. Some people really don’t like being alone.
My parents are in their mid-60s and I assume that my mom would stay single, my dad would likely date/remarry. My mom would be perfectly happy single, but ladies LOVE my dad. He took my son to the gym to meet all his Portuguese Zumba buddies. I think I would stay single. I love my husband to death, but I think I could be happier on my own if something happened to him versus dating, etc.
Anon
Someone to go to Sunday lunch with sounds like the perfect relationship to me, tbh.
anon
I agree with you…
OP from that post
TY – good read. I was the OP of that post – couldn’t reply til late, but appreciated all the opinions, truly! (responded this late on the post:)
My mom has definitely made comments about being the only ‘single one’ at various life events, makes a lot of indirect comments about spending so much time alone (even though she does have multiple friend groups, etc.). And has asked if I’d be comfortable with her dating again (said yes), made negative comments about doing things alone, which is why I’ve felt like she wants to but doesn’t know how to get started.
I totally support if she wants to be single the rest of her life! My dad definitely sucked as a husband (and sometimes as a father). I just want her to be as happy as possible, she deserves the world. Very much do not think people need to be coupled up to be happy.
Anon
Joking/not joking, a few days on a dating app will probably scare her off enough to cure her of loneliness.
Anon
+10000000
anonymous
I didn’t comment before but with those facts, I’d encourage her and help her out. When I was online dating before I met my husband, it was helpful having friends show me the tricks of the different platforms. I also think it’s never too late and if she had a crummy first husband, she deserves a great love and should seek that out.
anecdata
With this context, I actually think you could encourage a little more, and see if she’s interested in talking about it with you – basically the same way you might about any other sensitive issue – and just stop if she doesn’t seem to want to. Some possible phrasing:
Next time she mentions something about it, say what you said yesterday about her: “Mom, if you ever wanted to try dating again, I think any guy would be lucky to find you. You’re fun and active and…”
“If you ever wanted to set up a profile on the apps, let me know if you want me to bring over a bottle of wine and do it together!”
Anonymous
Older men want a nurse or a purse.
Anonymous
This. I am so glad my mother has no interest in dating. She deserves a nice life after all she’s been through.
Vicky Austin
Ha, if anything happens to my husband I am decidedly done dating – and I’m not that old! I tell him all the time that if he died, I’d just fill the void with dogs.
anon
Same here, but with cats.
My DH is awesome and our marriage is rock solid. I don’t think I’d get that lucky twice.
Anon
Yea if I’m ever single I’ll adopt a puppy and a kitten and that’s it.
Seventh Sister
My husband is allergic to dogs and cats, so I’m getting pets if something happens to him. No more spouses!
KS IT Chick
My dad is in his 80’s. He’s told me that he doesn’t want to ever live with another person, but he would like to have someone to eat lunch with and go to church with. His cousin and his sister-in-law both filled that niche in his life, but both have passed away.
I can tell when he doesn’t have social contact with other people for a while. His social skills degrade. I’m always trying to find people who can provide him with friendly interactions that aren’t going to decide he needs to have a wife!
Anon
Is there a community center nearby that does programming for seniors?
Anon
Social interaction is also huge for warding off dementia.
Anonymous
For those of you who do a backdoor Roth – do you do it by yourself or do you need a financial professional to convert it for you?
Anon
It depends what kind of account you have – self-managed or managed. We have a managed account so it’s a combo process. I set it up and then after the funds have processes, I have to call and get the manager to do the final conversion. This is with Vanguard.
Anonymous
“Need” is the operative word here. I have my financial advisor do it for me, as otherwise it would not happen, at all. I also wouldn’t know where to invest it, because my eyes glaze over trying to differentiate one fund/stock/whatever from the next. I am sure that if I sat down and focused, I could do it, so I don’t “need” anyone to do it for me. However, I simply don’t want to spend my limited free time learning this and add another task of transferring (correctly) the funds each month.
Anon
I use vanguard and do it myself. It takes all of about 3 minutes, and would be such a waste to pay someone to do that.
DIY
I do it every year with Schwab and it’s stupid easy – a matter of a few clicks. If I ever get confused, I revisit the White Coat Investor pages to remind myself (mostly when it comes to tax time and I have to report it correctly)
Anonymous
It is extremely easy on the Vanguard website. It is not worth paying an advisor to do this.
Anonymous
Do this yourself. See here from Vanguard:
https://www.whitecoatinvestor.com/backdoor-roth-ira-tutorial/
anon
Friday rant: Somebody in my office has heated up sauerkraut or something like it, and now the entire floor reeks of cabbage. WHY WHY WHY.
Anon
That is one of the better arguments against RTO I’ve heard in a long time.
anon
lol, happy to help.
Anon
Sympathies. I once lived in an apartment where my next door neighbor’s favorite food must have been cooked cabbage. The common hallway always, always smelled of cabbage. I moved out at the end of my lease despite the my apartment itself being great (high ceilings, hardwood floors, huge windows, reasonably priced and a great location).
Anon
When I bought my condo in a midrise building old enough not to have individual heat and air, about the third thing my new neighbor asked was “do you ever cook cabbage”. “No, I like it raw” was very much the correct response.
Anon
According to the WSJ yesterday, aromatherapy delivered through HVAC systems is the newest ploy to fill office buildings. Because we can use HVAC systems to deliver aroma but we can’t be bothered to use them to filter the air to make it safer.
Anon
Ahhh they would literally rather make the air less safe than safer! (Aromatherapy may be pleasant, but my asthma doctor doesn’t want me anywhere near it…)
joan wilder
I feel this way about microwave popcorn in the office. Our office smells like the movies about every other afternoon.
Thistle
The relief.
Had a really sore eye for a couple of days so managed to get an urgent appointment with my Optometrist. He removed an ingrown eyelash and the relief is unbelievable. I feel great.
Anon
Oh that’s great!! Good for you.
I think people don’t realize that eye practitioners (esp Opthamologists) often have close in appointments available for emergencies. My husband had to have a laser retina repair a couple of weeks ago and when he first started noticing the symptoms they got him in immediately. If he’d waited longer it would likely have led to an entire retina detachment.
Anonymous
i remember your post, i’m glad to hear it went well! did he end up having to wear a patch or take a lot of time off work?
also: i had no idea ingrown eyelashes were a thing, wow – so glad it’s gone, OP!
Anon
It went amazingly well! They lasered the tear in his retina and he was good to go bascially that afternoon. He had to “take it easy” for a couple of days but no patch, and no special sleeping positions either. He just had his follow up a couple of days ago and the doc says it’s looking perfect.
Thanks for remembering!
Weight Lifting
Help me with lifting? Background: competitive athlete through high school. Runner through 20s plus a bunch of crossfit. 30s has been characterized by a long infertility battle (all the hormones, procedures and yuck) and 2 births. I’m turning 40 at the end of this year and time to get it together. I’m obese by BMI standards, have insulin resistant PCOS so insurance has approved me for Ozempic. I used it 3 years ago with great success but just about to restart.
SO. I need to lift. I’ve read a lot about watching muscle mass during weight loss with the drug. I have a Peloton and full set of weights / dedicated space, which is awesome. But do Peloton strength classes “count”? When someone says “you need to lift!” I just picture a beefy dude at a gym picking things up and putting things down.
If I’m consistent, are bootcamps and strength classes sufficient? I’ve used the HardCore FB group (and really like it). Is that enough? Do I need to do more? So excited and unbelievably ready to start this process.
Anon
Read the “Slow AF Run Club” book — he is such a good writer and writes for the rest of us (I’ve read books by the famous runners and it’s interesting but totally not my running game or plan at all). It’s so positive.
Anonymous
I wonder about this also because I’m also trying to lose weight but maintain muscle. My understanding is that light weights/high reps (like Les Mills, most Caroline Girvan, etc) is better for “muscle endurance,” not muscle growth — to grow your muscles you need to lift much heavier weights with lower reps. But I only want to work out at home, and I haven’t found a great heavy lifting plan intended for at home. (There was one on the Sweat app but it’s no longer being updated so I just keep doing the same 6-week stretch repeatedly.) I just started Girvan’s Iron series though, I’m hopeful that might be different.
But I saw one doctor saying that if you’re losing weight your goal is really going to be to maintain muscle, not growing it (very hard to do in a cut), so maybe light weights/high reps would be OK? I dunno.
Anons
Light weights/high reps won’t do much for you. If you’re using dumbbells that are very heavy for you, you can do this with a home workout.
NW Islander
I have lifted light weights/high reps for over 10 years now. I am over 40. Young women come up to me to ask me about my fitness routine. A teenage boy mistook me for a cheerleader for the local NFL team a while back. So my routine is doing A LOT for me.
I haven’t lifted heavy in years because I do not want to get injured. I also try to walk 4 miles a day.
anon
I think you’d be a good candidate for a personal trainer who can get you started on some sort of plan.
OP
Oooh, great idea. I have a cousin who is a PT and lives nearby. No idea why this never crossed my mind. I’m sure she’d let me pay for services to help me devise a plan with some regular check ins. Thank you!!
Anon
Ask her for a recommendation and give her the kindness of deciding if she wants to help you. It can be weird with family, and I have a strict no family policy.
anon
+1
Personal Training is a great idea.
Especially because once we hit the 40’s and peri-menopause it is much easier to hurt yourself and you don’t bounce back as well as you did in your younger times. So reinforcing good technique is key. This is the time where it is so easy to tear a rotator cuff etc..
Anons
HardCore is an excellent start! Peloton strength classes will someday not be “enough” because you’ll get to a point where you need to lift heavier weights to have an impact. If you can afford a set of adjustable dumbbells and are pushing yourself to lift heavy – not just the two pound arms classes – that will be a great beginner program.
You might also look at Jason and Lauren Pak’s Rise program – they have a ‘lite’ version that is just dumbbells, no barbells, so you can do it at home. They have lots of free Insta content so you can see if their vibe works for you.
Also second Anon’s recommendation for Slow AF Run Club for the cardio part.
Anonymous
Rebecca Kennedy on Peloton has a 5 day split that is hypertrophy-based (muscle building), along with an informal 4 day split follow up. It’s under the programs section and I think it is a great place to start since you already have what you need to do it. HCOF is also good. What is important is lifting weights that are heavy for you and the specific exercise you are doing, and going up in weight over time.
Anon
I don’t know much about Peleton strength training classes, but really any functional strength training program is going to be good for you. Many use a combo of weights and different strength bands.
I do an at home program (Get Mom Strong, which despite the name is not only focused on being newly postpartum) and I seriously increased my muscle mass from it. I’ve kept with it for a few years because it’s been so successful for me, but really any type of regular lifting will work. I plan to do this basically forever.
Anonymous
I also have PCOS so I lift to help my insulin resistance. My husband is a gym rat, so during the pandemic he bought a home gym and showed me how to lift. I’m biased against Peloton, but I think you’re a good candidate for a personal trainer. First, someone needs to teach you HOW to lift. That can be YouTube, for sure, but it’s easier and you get better faster if someone is correcting you in the moment. Next, you need to work on programming. You can get strong doing 5×5 Stronglifts, in fact that might be a good program for you at first, but it’s boring. I have three kids and a home gym so I use the Ladder app. I love it. I picked a trainer who focused on strength, but they have lots of trainers with different goals. But the simplest thing to do, if you have the time, is join a gym and pay a personal trainer until you know what you’re doing and where you want to go from there.
OP
TY! I love Peloton because in this season of life, any regular activity needs to be home-based. I used to lift a lot so while I’m sure I could use some pointers on form since it’s been a decade or more, I have a pretty good sense of what needs to happen. Definitely like the idea of getting a plan from a PT.
Anon
I like the faster way to fat loss weight training program. Changes weekly. 30 minute videos – very doable. Both at home and in gym options. Also includes optional HIIT and yoga videos.
Anonymous
I find that I like the look of camel colored shoes – that dark tan color but not dark enough to be brown. For someone more fashionable than me, can you tell me what color pants you can wear that color shoe with? I assume navy, right? Can you wear with gray or black pants? I would think no as you’d wear black shoes with those but I’m not sure.
anon
If you mean a cognac type color (which is one of my favorites for shoes and handbags), navy is my favorite for neutrals. I will also wear it with light gray and olive green bottoms. For non-neutrals, pretty much anything goes – various shades of blue, pinks, purples, reds – I would treat the shoes as a neutral in that case.
anon
+1. If you wear a camel top with black pants, the camel shoes also serve as a nice bookend.
I really love navy with camel. I also have a pair of burgundy pants that look awesome with camel.
ALT
I wore camel shoes with black pants the other day and I liked the look! Gray would depend on the shade, I think. They would also look fab with maroon, cream/white, red.
Anon
I love camel with black. Very chic.
anon
+1
Totally agree.
I love wearing a column of black under my cashmere camel coat.
Anonymous
You can do cognac with black or navy. I think it clashes with gray. So Susie did a recent feature on cognac accessories.
Anon
I LOVE camel for toppers, shoes, bags. Pairs great with black, cream, navy, olive, burgundy, denim
Anon
I like the look of tan shoes with black pants in the warmer months when you want to lighten up your outfit. Make it work by using similar colored accessories like a purse, or other neutral but lighter items on top.
I like that color with gray too. And yes of course navy.
Anonymous
I wear camel shoes with gray pants and a brown shirt. Two elements of warmth to contrast with the cooler gray looks intentional.
Schadenfreude
Navy
Olive
Black
Dark red
Anon 2.0
Thoughts on having a dashcam? Not an attorney here so are there any liability issues I am overlooking? After a family member had an accident where the other driver was at fault and the insurance is being extremely difficult, I am thinking of installing one on my vehicle. I love in a midwestern city that also has notoriously terrible drivers. Near daily, I see people run thru lights when they are “drop dead red”.
Anon
I wouldn’t. One reason is that we all think that accidents would be the other driver’s fault. But at the end of the day, everyone makes occasional mistakes while driving.
Anonymous
Disagree, as an attorney who used to handle MVAs (including many of which were fraudulent).
If OP really lives in an area that has dangerous/foolish drivers, a dash cam is invaluable. A goog of ‘dash cam reddit’ will show you so many instances where they prove their worth, with a lot of recommendations for OP.
Anon
I’m the Anon at 11:34 and am also an attorney who handled MVAs. Recordings were certainly valuable if my client wasn’t at fault. But the reverse is true as well. It’s totally up to the OP, but I’m just saying that everyone thinks they’re a great driver, and yet many people are not, so there’s a disconnect somewhere in the chain.
Anons
I would get one. I understand that arguments about what if YOU are at fault, but the reality is that many other drivers will already have dashcams and they are integrated in many new cars anyway, so not having a dashcam yourself is no guarantee that you will skate if you are to blame for an accident.
Anonymous
If you’re a good driver I would get one. It will protect you and you might even be able to be a good Samaritan if you witness an accident. My dash cam has been used once when we witnessed a car get t-boned infront of us, the video clearly showed the light colours and who was at fault.
Dr. The Original ...
I got a few emails from people asking me to update here so I thought I’d pop by… I really do miss the friendships here but each time I’ve tried to return, I’ve gotten rudeness and meanness and I’m learning to do what I can to avoid that since my career focus already results in my experiencing so much hatred (including regular threats of being harmed).
UPDATE:
I had 2 surgeries in Dec, stage IV endometriosis and then an emergency brain surgery. Healing from both can be a 6 month process, so I’m apparently supposed to learn to be patient? (Let’s just say that’s going… yikes… lol except also serious).
Got serious with a fellow I met on bumble whom I met because his child is within the field I specialize in (go figure) and he moved in about 6 months into things as he was 6 hours away which was exhausting and expensive to travel monthly. He’s heaven sent.
Now I have 4 jobs; 3 part time, 1 full time, the full time has me working with a Tradwick (I so love that y’all still use my phrasing, it makes me feel like I’m giving something back after all I’ve gained from y’all here).
That’s the quickest summary I have but thank you for asking, truly. I miss everyone and try to read periodically and hope it’ll feel safe to return to commenting someday! <3
Anne-on
So glad to hear this update! Sending you lots of good vibes for healing (man, it’s rough to try to take it slowly/recover when you’re used to being in charge of all the things/doing all the things!).
Vicky Austin
Emergency brain surgery?? My goodness. I’m so glad you’re doing all right! Will drop you a line soon. <3
smurf
So good to hear from you! I hope your recovery goes well.
FWIW, I was a reader & occasional anon commenter & you’re one of the folks who made me realize I need to use a handle and contribute to the site in the way I want others to. I truly hope you’re able to come back regularly some day but of course put your mental health first! I always really enjoyed your contributions.
Anony
Hey, thanks for this update! I’ve never been a frequent commenter, but there have been several times that you have written things here that have really resonated with me long-term, and I definitely think of you and hope you’re doing well. I hope that your recovery is going smoothly.
Anon
I thought I replied but I guess the reply got eaten:
Sending prayers and well wishes to you for your healing. That is rough. Glad you have found a good guy!!
Congrats on the job stuff – it’s great that you have a lot on your plate.
Any treats you would particularly like? I’m happy to email along a small gift card as you heal.
Dr. The Original ...
This brought me to tears, All… thank you for making me feel seen! Anyone wanting to be or stay in touch, email any time! IAmAnEpicWarrior at the mail of g
Truly sending love to each of you <3
Anonymous
Another financial question for those of you with Roth IRAs, HSAs, 529s, and more – do you put a big chunk of money in all at once so it has a longer time to grow, or do you try to get a market average by putting money in periodically? I’ve been doing once a month for HSAs and 529s but wondering if I should change; the Roth IRA I do all at once but usually late in the year like now.
Anon
We put the money in as soon as we have it, so it has more time to grow.
Anon
Dollar cost averaging, automatically transferred from my paycheck every month.
Anonymous
We put it in as it’s available rather than spreading it out. Greater risk, but greater reward than dollar cost averaging.
Anon
I’m a big fan of periodic contributions like a set amount every month. My kids’ 529s did really well that way.
Anon
“Meeting at 10” and hearing nothing from you and it is 10:07 — where do I begin with this? Will note on next meeting request that 10 = “10 sharp” but why after college and law school is this falling to me? Surely kids did not do this for soccer practice (b/c fear of being benched for the next game is real)?
Cat
you message them and say “hey, did you get tied up?” and go from there. At least if you want people to want to work with you.
Anonymous
Yup
Anon
+1 do you never have a meeting go late? Assume good intentions here
anonymous
Because people have other meetings that run over? This is a normal part of corporate life?
anon
At 10:07 I would assume technical difficulties or life intervening (bathroom emergency?) and show a little grace. I literally had a colleague hop in their car and drive down to the Starbucks parking lot to find internet two weeks ago to join our call, and I can’t imagine how they would feel if I ripped them apart after they made that kind of effort.
Unless it’s an interview, and then yeah, that person will not move on to the next round. But with colleagues, I aim for kindness.
Anon
I had to do that once. The guy patiently waited 15 minutes for me. I was really grateful. Power outage at my house seemed to also interrupt cell signal. I took the call, late, from my car in a Marshall’s parking lot!
Vicky Austin
I give people five minutes and then nudge – kindly and politely. “Ready when you are!” kind of thing. If that goes unacknowledged, then you can get mad.
Anonymous
No you just reschedule.
NaoNao
Is it a one-off? I find it disrespectful to pass the 5 min mark without a ping or a head’s up, but if this is the first time and it’s a routine meeting, I’d let it go. I 100% get how irritating it is to be early and sit there waiting, but try not to let it get to you.
Stuff happens! Tech issues, bathroom issues, personal stuff, emergency call, Big Wig call or email ran over, etc.
Anon88
5 minutes past the meeting time I IM them “are you able to make it or should we reschedule?”
anecdata
Things happen: start with a quick ping like “is now still a good time?”; “I am (online/at conference room X”; let me know if you’re having trouble joining”etc.
If the person who missed the meeting is a peer or junior to me, I always ask them to set up the makeup meeting time, even if I set up the original
Address it if it’s a pattern
LizzieBennet
+1 this is the way.
Anon
I think you need to calm down.
Anonymous
Most likely reality if this junior associate had messaged you to let you know they were running late: grumbling post from the senior lawyer “meeting with a client and associate is playing around on his phone — where do I begin with this? Will upbraid him after the meeting and likely never work with him again. But why after college and law school is this falling to me?”
If this is a pattern with the associate, have a conversation. If not, you sound ridiculous making statements about missing soccer practice.
Anon
I sympathize, because I make an effort to be punctual and respect everyone’s time. I’m getting a vibe from your message that this particular meeting may have been with somebody less senior than you, and/or younger in age. I guess I’m saying this because your message reads like a text baloon I sometime have over my head when dealing with some of the people in their 20s in my organization. (If a peer was running that late, I would deal with that on a more case-by-case basis.)
I’m in kind of a culture-setting role, as a woman with some power in a male-dominated field, so I’ve done some soul-searching about it. I used to run late a lot as a kid and teenager, and I remember it being stressful because “late=wrong.” But being stressed about it didn’t make me be on time. Now I just want things to work for sanity’s sake, and I convey this to my colleagues.
Here’s the policy I’ve adopted in those situations: if it’s a one-off (they haven’t done this regularly or in a while), I’ll text and ask “Do you need more time?” If it’s becoming a pattern with that person, I text “Would you like to reschedule?” then when we do speak I tell them I’d like a heads-up if they’re going to be late, and if more by a few minutes I prefer to reschedule with as much notice as possible so I can get back the use of my time. People usually respond well since I adopted this policy, because I’m giving them options and telling them exactly what works for me.
In conference calls/Zooms/team meeting, if person X is not there 2-3 minutes after the scheduled start time, I say “Is there anything on the agenda we don’t need X for? Let’s start with that.” I do that whether X is my boss (the CEO) or somebody three levels down. Everybody eventually gets to hear me say that, so they know if they are late we will start without them.
Anonymous
Does anyone have tips on how to ruminate less? After a situation that does not go well, even a minor misunderstanding, I dwell on it for far too long and feel bad. I am tired of these things ruining my day.
Thanks.
Vicky Austin
I like to visualize the thoughts in an actual rearview mirror, disappearing.
Anonan
I love this!
Anonymous
I love this!
Anonymous
That is wonderful advice. Thank you.
So glad you are back.
Vicky Austin
You’re very kind, thank you!
Anon
I like to engage in activities where I need to focus completely so I don’t get hurt – think of things like riding horses, surfing, mountain biking. You can’t ruminate while you’re doing it and you won’t want to after.
Anon
This is on part why I love a hard workout. I’m pushing my body so much that I can’t think about anything else.
Anonymous
I’ve always liked this: https://www.pixelthoughts.co/
Anonymous
That’s amazing!
joan wilder
Hi! Olympic level champion ruminator here. Literally typing this while dwelling on a situation I wished I handled better earlier today. One thing I’ve noticed about myself and tried to stop is I tend to text about these situations with friends because in the moment, I want to talk about to help process. But I find it tends to make the rumination worse as if writing it down “locks in” the experience more. So I am working on it… I catch myself starting to type somtimes and then reminding myself to put the phone away
Anon
Also, don’t make your friends be your therapists (at least not all the time). And I say this as somebody who definitely used to do that too much.
anon
It’s for parents, but I find the podcast Flusterclux helpful for building my own skills to combat anxiety. One thing that helps me is if I say to myself, “oh hey, that’s rumination. hello, rumination. you think i do everything wrong, but i don’t agree.”
Anon
I struggle with this too. I ask myself will this matter in 1 week, 1 month, 1 year? Often the answer is no and it helps me move past it.
NaoNao
Denver ‘Rettes (are there any?)
I’m 45 and it’s my second attempt to “go gray”. I tried in 2020-2022 but wound up on the job market and just couldn’t stomach the unkempt look of gray roots, plus my hair was significantly less gray than I thought–I wound up going as short as a pixie and was still magically growing in ashy dark brown ends (!?!) which was irritating as heck.
Anyway, a few years later it seems like the gray is more dominant and the pattern is more flattering. I’d like to find a salon to do either a full day transition to gray and white using dye, or a full head of dramatic ultra-light ash blonde highlights. The last time I tried highlights I got golden blonde despite specifying I didn’t want that, showing pics of what I did *and* showing what I didn’t want!
I seem to have very solid success with cuts and 10% “hit rate” with color.
Any recommendations for salons that handle this gray transition? I found one but the consult is $125 and it *starts* at $2000. My husband is willing to pick up a 4-figure tab but I’m hoping it can stay around 1-2k.
Anon
I’ve seen on tiktok that it is indeed a 4-figure process.
NaoNao
Yep, I am willing to shell out, but for that price, my feeling is it had better be *perfect*. I’m wary of forking over $1000+ to have light blonde hair with gray roots, ya know? :)
Anonymous
Whether you can go white or ash blonde or not depends on your natural colour as well as the colourist. You might have hair that won’t go ashy blonde unless you bleach the life out of it over several sessions. If that’s your hair, simple highlights will probably never give you anything but golden blonde.
Anon
Check out Sali Hughes instagram. What she does is a full bleach and then does color correcting at home to make it more silver and less yellow. I think her hair looks great. Her transition was a while ago but you can scroll down to see all the details.
Anon
Coping advice needed. I’ve been in my current role for two years. I came back from mat leave at the beginning of September to enormous changes. New boss, new support staff, both without a clue. All the systems I tried to set up for autoplay before I left were uprooted by various power-hungry entities or from pure neglect by clueless new support staff. I spent the last four months of the year frantically plugging holes in standard operations just so things don’t implode. In the meantime, new boss came in heavy with all kinds of demands. I tried, with charts and swimlanes, to explain what was broken, what never worked to begin with, and what I needed to do immediately to keep things afloat. I took on some of his requests but not all as I simply could not. I busted my ass with late nights and coffee doing all kinds of damage to my postpartum body and my milk supply. I finally felt OK about stabilizing the bus a few inches from the cliff’s edge in late December. I now received my year-end review which is a 3. We use a 1-5 system where 3 = “meets expectations”. I was told by boss that he’s not known me long enough to feel qualified to give me a higher rating. This is the worst review I’ve received in 11 years at my company in my many roles, and it affects my bonus. This is probably irrelevant but stings: another (one of three) boss’s direct reports was rated 5=”exceptional” while knowing boss for the exact same amount of time (I know both facts to be true for certain.)
First of all, I feel hurt and used. I shouldn’t have worked so damn hard. I shouldn’t have weaned my baby early so I can work more. Secondly, and most importantly, I feel like I will never win here. If my best is just OK, then I’ll have to keep the same pace just to meet expectations. While I expect things to get slightly better now that they’re stabilized, there is that giant pile of new boss stuff he’s waiting to land on my plate, and some of it is simply unsolvable in our environment without global changes that would involve those power-hungry tw@ts that can never agree on anything out of spite (no, I don’t work in politics). While I feel like I have a fantastic skillset to solve some of the long-standing issues here and can make a real difference, I need help coming to terms with the fact that I have to let go and would welcome any coping skills tips from you guys. I feel like I’m grieving a lost opportunity.
Above said, I have started looking for a new role. I’m pretty confident I will find something but it could take a year. What kind of effort did you put in at you current job if you’ve been in similar circumstances? Any tricks to phoning it in long enough to make it to the next job? Should I care about this boss’s reference? I have plenty of great references from others at the company. Thanks!
LizzieBennet
Ugh I’m livid on your behalf.
Lean oooooout. Take PTO. Leave at noon every Friday. Take a look at your peers and skip-levels for references insteado of your boss. I hope you get a great offer soon!
Anon
Line up other references at the company and use your boss’ own words: he hasn’t managed you long enough to evaluate you.
Where did your former manager go? Can she give you a reference?
I would also consider speaking to an attorney. The fact that the person returning from mat leave got a 3 and the person (man) who didn’t got a 5 is… problematic. Get documentation of all this. You don’t have to do anything with it! Knowing your legal options is a good start.
Is there an internal way to push back on your rating? I would do so.
Regarding everything else: don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Don’t beat yourself up. Work hard when you’re there, draw boundaries, and don’t be afraid to have conversations with your one over one. I worked for your boss once and it wrecked me as a person. You have my sympathy.
Anon
OP didn’t say the other person was a man. She didn’t get a bad review, she got meets expectations.
Anon
Was the other person also pregnant?
She said it was “the worst review (she) received in 11 years at (her) company,” and it affects her bonus. Sounds bad.
Anon
OP here – it was indeed a man. He also had a baby around the same time. He took three weeks off.
Anon
OP here – really appreciate this advice. Thanks!
Anonymous
If he gave you a 4 instead of a 3 would any of this change? Is it ok with you if you weaned my baby early for a 4 rating instead of a 3? Different bosses have different standards. It’s part of life.
I think you document you accomplishments in your review and move on. Complaining about the mess you found when you returned that you now have to fix through personal sacrifice is not an accomplishment.
Anon
+1
Anon
She said it affects her bonus.
Anon
OP here – probably fair. It would literally pay for a new roof over our heads if I got the 4 instead, and I suppose that would have been worth it in that I wouldn’t have questioned all my choices. But fair on the mess fix =/= accomplishments.
Anonymous
This has happened to me twice. You’re doing great! Oh no bonus this year because we got bought (but all the partners got a bonus). I try harder. The messaging is you’re still doing great but no bonus because recession. Can you just stop caring? I couldn’t; I cared about my colleagues and the work I had done too much, so I had to get out. I am currently phoning it in at a part time gig and take five weeks off a year to do whatever the eff I want, in addition to just peacing out whenever one of my kids is sick. I also say no to every project that seems like it’s going to be 60 hours a week instead of 20. I’m sure my company isn’t thrilled with me but I don’t give two shakes. Your job doesn’t love you back.
Anon
I used to work at a company that had a forced distribution. Fully 50% of the employees were rated 3 “meets expectations.” As a manager it was hard for me to counsel my staff that got a 3 that it was a good rating – it was the expected rating. I had 40+ people, which meant 20+ people got 3s. Many of them felt they had gone above and beyond but that was the culture we were in. All the 3s were not equal. Some of them were very close to “exceeds expectations” and some of them were also close to “needs improvement.” It’s hard to be basically viewed as average in a tough, hard-driving culture. In fact I got a 3 on my own appraisal for several of those years.
If you feel the company doesn’t appreciate you, absolutely move on. But a meets expectations is not a poor rating.
Anon
Put all your energy into finding something new. You don’t need to use your current boss as a reference.
RiskedCredit
Two things:
1. Look for a new role both internally and externally. Others who have commented on this have said all that needs to be said. I sorry you had this experience but it’s often the case after having a baby.
2. I recommend you think about your boundaries. I was exactly like you and took on responsibility beyond my pay grade. It’s your managers job to drive the delivery of performance objectives. Make your suggestions once, if they don’t take you up on the offer, leave it.
There is so much pressure put on women as a new mother who is trying to care for the baby, work like a man who has a wife at home taking care of everything and you are expected to care for yourself too. Stop. Please take this as an opportunity to work on your priorities. Mine are 1 – health 2 – children 3 – career 4-infinity everything else.
Working late to the point where your supply is affected is not good for your health and not what you wanted for your child. It’s not about not working late. It’s about not working to the point where your health and your parenting is affected. You have moved heaven and earth this past year and I’m sorry you didn’t get the recognition for your work. As an employee, the day you gone, no one remembers you.
Anon
I appreciate this. Thank you!
anon
Y’all the NYT article on “mom-managed” instagram accounts is the grimmest thing I have read in a good long time. Link below to avoid mod.
anon
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/22/us/instagram-child-influencers.html?unlocked_article_code=1.Xk0.RgnB.SXobiCW2q2tV&smid=url-share
This is a gift link so should work.
Anon
That’s incredibly disturbing.
Anon
My older daughter isn’t on social media. A classmate was formerly “the fat girl.” Her mom put her in 4x/week swim team practice and then on social media. I accepted the mom’s (we’re SM friends and kids are still in the same school) invitation to her kid’s insta page when the kids were . . . 11? Within a year, the kid was skinny and it was nothing but bikini pictures. I’m not sure the mom is wholly running it now but the whole thing was disturbing and she is the sort who couldn’t have a fat daughter, if you have known the type. I never show it to my kid though. I have snoozed it (but thought it might create problems to drop it) repeatedly because it’s so disturbing to me. And it’s convinced me to keep my kids off of SM (they use phones mainly to text and facetime their actual friends). Even if they lurked and just followed, that sort of stuff is just toxic I think.
Anon
Wow, I would absolutely just unfollow it.
Anon
““I really don’t want my child exploited on the internet,” said Kaelyn, a mother in Melbourne, Australia, who like Elissa and many other parents interviewed by The Times agreed to be identified only by a middle name to protect the privacy of her child.
“But she’s been doing this so long now,” she said. “Her numbers are so big. What do we do? Just stop it and walk away?””
YES. You just walk away.
That teaches your daughter that her worth isn’t about likes or numbers or engagement. There is no special rule that “quit while you are ahead” or “cut your losses” doesn’t apply to influencing.
Anon
This is horrifying and needs a trigger warning for CSA, honestly.
Anon
‘“I think they’re all pedophiles,” she said of the many online followers obsessed with her daughter and other young girls.’
WOW.
Anon
Yeah I couldn’t finish it. I can’t do Toddlers in Tiaras or Dance Moms either – I find it all very offensive.
And aside from all the obvious terribleness of exploiting your children for profit … Influencer is not a job! Don’t teach your girls that selling curated photos and videos of themselves online is the pinnacle of success or that # of followers is a measure of self-worth!
Anon
That’s one of the things they talk about. A mom who started an account for her daughter who is now 17 and thinks her only option in life is Only Fans. It’s heartbreaking.
Anonymous
My daughter was a gymnast and the “insta-gymmies” are truly horrifying. Parents post scary videos of their kids doing big skills on shaky home equipment without proper matting, spotting, or ceiling heights, or scary videos of their kids throwing big skills in the gym with poor form and/or at an inappropriately early age with captions like “amazing 8-year-old Level 10!” Then they enter into “collabs” with leotard brands and post photos of their daughters wearing leotards for sketchy adult men to download. It’s gross.
Anon
Oh wow. Not finishing that.
I’m still not over reading that Elsa and Spiderman YT expose.
Anon
I couldn’t finish it either. That was absolutely sickening and I think a) those parents should be prosecuted and b) that we need legislation and enforcement NOW to block all images of minors on Instagram.
anon
My cousin’s 13-year-old daughter does makeup videos on TikTok and Instagram. I know this kid, I know her family, and I find it so, so disturbing. She’s a beautiful girl and who knows what kind of creepos are following her.
Anon
A teenage family member’s friend had a following. In this situation, my sense was that her family acknowledged some risks but appreciated the money she was making, which also seemed worse to me.
Anon
The problem is that it isn’t a risk – it’s a *certainty* that pedophiles will access these accounts. It’s not some rare, unlikely scenario – it’s already happening, all the time.
Anon
I guess my concern for my relative was that one of those people might show up IRL! I still remember when Shreve Stockton ended up with a stalker via her blog and what a nightmare that was even for an adult to manage (basically dealing with a celebrity problem without the resources of a celebrity).
Anonymous
I read it this morning and felt like I needed to take another shower to wash off that awful feeling after reading it. Absolutely horrifying and sickening to see mothers exploit their young daughters like that and be aware of the dangers but still continuing to post suggestive photos of their daughters for money.
Anon
That was so awful. Pretty much ruined my day.