Wednesday’s TPS Report: Starburst Pleat Sheath Dress

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1. Threadjack – has anyone had breast reduction surgery? My 18-year-old daughter has decided that she wants to look into it (she’s a 38-DD or E), and we’re not in a position to pay for it out-of-pocket. For anyone who has had it done, were you able to have it paid for by medical insurance, and if so, how?
   She is physically uncomfortable, the “girls” prevent her from doing some athletic activities because she can’t find a sports bra that fits, and she’s getting some mean dents in her skin from the straps and from the underwires digging into her skin. But mostly, it’s embarassing having a “middle-aged” body when you’re still in high school, and I suspect she gets teased about it but won’t tell me.

   1. I haven’t, but I’ve heard that a link to back pain can work. GL!

   2. My SIL had it done years ago (in college) and I think her insurance covered it because it was causing her back pain.

   3. Has she been professionally fitted for a bra? By what you’re describing it sounds like she may be in the wrong size, and new underwear is definitely a faster and easier solution than surgery. I went from shoving myself into ill-fitting 42-DDs to a 34-GG that actually fit after a professional fitting. (I had several mildly-successful attempts to pick out a better size for myself in between.) Bras in more unusual sizes are more expensive, but you can also find ones that are better made and last longer than a $20 one from Target. Sports bras are available in larger sizes as well, but you do have to spend a bit more, since you’re getting something with more construction than something that’s just sized small, medium, and large. Once she gets professionally sized, I recommend figleaves.com for a large size selection and decent-ish sale prices. Don’t buy the absolute cheapest bras they sell, which tend to be flimsy, but their mid-range ones are fine. I can give you some basic fitting advice if you’d like, but nothing replaces a professional, in-person fitting.

      I know someone who was able to deduct the cost of sunglasses from taxes because the doctor said they were necessary due to a family history of cataracts. Maybe you could ask about this for bras? Wearing the wrong size can really cause health problems.

      1. Also, I’m pretty young and I found that having a properly-fitting bra made my figure significantly less “middle-aged.” I only wish I’d found it when I was still in high school. She may find that this makes her feel more like her peers without surgery.

      2. Yes, she has. I took her to a Nordstrom’s and there was a wonderful bra-fitter there (I got the idea from this site – thank you all!!) and we ended up with some better-fitting, and more uplifting (physically and mentally) bras. But even with the best-fitting bras, her girls are still BIG. AND it’s hard for her to have a figure like that when most of the girls at school look like they’re still wearing training bras.

         1. And bras in this size are so ugly compared to the “fun” ones smaller girls and women can wear. I’m the same size as her and do well with the Wacoal awareness bra and another Wacoal style that is polka-dotted. They both come in some colors if that is any consolation to her.

            As to the surgery, I haven’t had it but really want to once we are done having kids.

   4. I have a friend who was considering it but eventually backed out because she knew she wouldn’t be able to deal with the scarring. 18 is a bit young to consider elective surgery. Definitely look into appropriate bras and maybe just a fashion makeover in general that teaches her how to dress for her body type.

      1. Also, she may not want to hear it, but at 18 she may not be done developing – I was fairly average sized at 18, but went up several sizes in college. I would 2nd the bra fitting and recommend Moving Comfort and Enell for sports bras. For high impact activities sometimes I’ll even double up – adding a cheaper sports bra for compression on top of my “good” sports bra.

         I personally have given up and gone for matronly but well fitting bras – anyone on here fuller figured that can recommend “prettier” bras that are supportive? I imagine she wants to be like her friends and wear the “cute” bras from VS, so she might feel better if you can help her find some that are still cute but have support. Full figured bras aren’t cheap, but cheaper than out-of-pocket reduction surgery.

         1. I don’t own any, but Freya and Curvy Kate have some really cute designs.

         2. bravissimo has loads of pretty bras in a range of band and cup sizes….all the way up to a J. they also do the small band/large cup thing.

   5. I did, at 18. I had all sorts of back issues and I was really self-conscious about the way I looked. It was a while ago and I think we paid out of pocket. A surgeon could probably speak to you about medical necessity parameters. Yes, there is scarring, but it fades. My back pain is gone and it really helped my self-confidence. When I had a child, I was able to b-feed although not exclusively. I would suggest she err on the smaller side so that any future weight gain doesn’t increase the size again. In the meantime, I agree that she should get properly fitted for bras and look into some of the options for sports bras (I like Moving Comfort).

   6. I had breast reduction surgery when I was 28. I had to jump through a lot of hoops but my insurance company covered the surgery. I had the same problems: back pain, dents in my shoulders, running was uncomfortable and I wae made fun of by my classmates. The key to getting insurance to cover the procedure is to have a great primary care doctor. She really had to document my file. My insurance company required me to try alternative therapies, such as physical therapy and massage therapy. I think I did 4 months of physical therapy and my physical therapist agreed I needed the surgery. I got deep tissue massages, which were really painful. My surgeon had to take photos for the insurance company showing that the size of my breasts was way out of portion to my frame and the huge dents in my shoulders. The surgery was a great success. I went from a DD to C-they removed a 1lb from each side. I have scars but they are barely visible-totally worth it. My surgeon said one of her patients was a topless dancer. Her scars healed so well she returned to dancing after the surgery.

   7. I had it when I was 19. Minus the 24 hours right after it was over, I have never regretted it. The back pain is so much better. My clothes fit so much better. And I can wear regular bras. The scars, by the way, are so small at this point I doubt anyone would notice unless they were right up against my chest. And yep, the teasing is gone.

      I was able to demonstrate that it was medically motivated (took about 18 months to get the evidence together). So, the insurer paid for all of it except the deductible.

2. Closed toe cheetah print heels-two and a half inch heel. Fashion staple and therefore worth a bit of a splurge or a fashion fad?

   1. Staple. Treat them as a neutral, and go forth in style.

      1. This.

      2. What she said.

   2. staple. i wore my 1.5-2″ ones from stuart weitzman throughout pregnancy and i am now wearing them 6 mths after i had the baby.

3. Following Susan’s lead . . . veiny legs threadjack.

   Has anyone has sclerotherapy done? If so, what was your experience like? I am considering it, but am a bit scared….

   Thanks!

4. Does anyone have j crew’s Double Cloth Slim Trench? It’s on sale and tempting me, just wondering some about fit and how well it holds up to wear. In vintage burgundy, mmm….

   http://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/outerwear/wool/PRDOVR~92146/92146.jsp

   1. or what about this?

      http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/kenneth-cole-reaction-coat-wool-blend-military-walker?ID=697786&upc_ID=29799865&Quantity=1&seqNo=1&EXTRA_PARAMETER=BAG

   2. Well, it’s not final sale, so you can order and return if it doesn’t work out.

5. Hey,
   I hope this isn’t too late in the thread to get answers on this: Yesterdays conversation about fears and anxieties related to pregnancy/motherhood made me wonder: for those of you who are parents, how have your friendships changed?

   I ask because one of my (many) parenthood fears is that I will lose all my friends, or at least the ones that are childless. I mentioned in the other thread that my husband is ready for children and I’m not. When i casually mentioned this to someone I consider one of my close friends, she joked, “ok, lets just say goodbye now.” She’s childless and single and looking forward to finding the right person and getting married, but not contemplating children yet. I felt (maybe irrationally?) hurt when she said that. I was telling her because I have anxiety about it and I wanted her to reassure me that I could be a good mother and still be “myself” but she basically said she would ditch me. I know she was saying it in a joking way, but I definitely think that she meant it somewhat seriously. She doesn’t have any friends with kids and we’ve discussed before how people with kids “don’t have time for …xyz.” I know this is maybe the least of my concerns, but it would be really reassuring to hear from someone who has had children and maintained at least some of their social life. Something similar happened to me when I got married- a certain number of my single friends started assuming I was too busy to hang out with them. It really hurt. I’m worried the same thing will happen when I have a baby, but more so. I don’t have THAT many friends that I can afford to lose them, especially since many of them are childless. WHile I love my friends with kids, I really enjoy having a mixture, and my girlfriends without kids add something important to my life. I am dreading seeing that part disappear and my social life revolving around children (i know part of that is inevitable, but still).

   I don’t really know what i’m asking here, but maybe just for some reassurance from those who have been there?

   1. As a single girl, I can relate to your fears. While my friends aren’t quite ready to have kids, they are coupling up and getting swallowed up by their budding careers. I’m still on the job hunt and not coupled up so at times I feel on the outs when they talk about how *precious* their free time is. My time doesn’t mean less because I don’t have a job/SO. If anything, I feel more stress as the job hunt is exhausting, not to mention I would like to be in a relationship when the time is right. It hurts that at times I’m made to feel less important because I don’t have an SO or raring career. Coming from the other side, the only advice I have is not to make your single/childless friends feel less important to you for that fact alone. Sure, having kids takes time but I’ve always been a firm believer in the saying, “If it’s important to someone, they’ll make time.” This situation, while awkward and hurtful, will make it clear who your real friends are. I’m like you and have lost at least one friend because changing priorities made it clear where I stood. Hugs.

      Btw, I completely related to that thread yesterday as those are my exact fears too.

      1. Thanks, Always NYer, I love hearing your perspective!

   2. I have more than a few girlfriends who are married with babies. I expected our relationships to change and it has. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, tho, everything changes. The friends who care about the friendships make time, always, whether he/she is single or married.

      What surprised me is that many of my married friends told me that they wish they could have focused on their careers and themselves in general more. Which took me, a not-by-choice single girl, by surprise. Like I told my friends, I’ll tell you that I’m a firm believer in “the grass is greener where you water it” school of thought. As for more agricultural cliches, you reap what you sow. It’s not easy but I do believe you get back what you put in.

      Also, I get to play with my friend’s babies without responsibilities, so that’s a lot of fun.

      1. “the grass is greener where you water it” +1000

   3. Your friend probably has experienced in being “ditched” as you termed it, from other friends once they had children. You may not WANT to hang out with your single, childless friends when you become a mother.
      It’s happened to me several times over, even from BFFs who say they won’t ever let our friendship wither away when they have babies. It just happens, priorities and interests change.
      Don’t worry about it too much.

      1. My friendships have definitely changed, but it’s the people who I could count on a phone call here, an hour there who I’ve managed to stay friends with. The friends that wanted to go on “girls weekends” or spend hours out getting dinner or at a club have fallen to the wayside. Think about what you were last doing with your friend. Now imagine doing the same activity with her if you’d only gotten 5 hours of sleep a night for the past month, had to get up the next day at 6 am, and were paying a babysitter $10+ an hour for the time you spent together. If you still would want to do that activity under those circumstances, the friendship will last. If your friend is willing to meet you partway (get together for coffee instead of long dinner or brunch, etc) then the friendship might last. Or sometimes the friendship may go on hiatus – I have a few friends that dropped to an occasional email and a girls night 2x per year that is picking back up now that our kids are older and we can spend more time together.

   4. My time for friendships has changed. My friends need to be more accommodating with location and times. We can’t travel to visit our OOT friends and we no longer have a guest room to put them up in when they visit.

      For most of my friendships, it’s meant changes but the relationship is still very much alive. A single friend comes to the zoo and fair with me and the kids. An OOT friend stays with other friends and is happy to sit in the backyard with a glass of wine instead of barhopping. We still swap meals at home with a childless couple, but the meal is earlier, involves less wine, and has cartoons on in the background. We do see them less frequently because we’re busier, but we connect just as well as we did before kids. It could be anecdotal, but I find that friends with busier personal lives managed the transition better. They aren’t offended if a month whizzes by before I remember to reply to their last email.

      I have a friend who decided that it’s not for her. That’s her decision. We can do dinner at 5 pm at a family-friendly restaurant today, but if she wants us to pay $40 for a sitter so that we can do dinner at 8 pm at a fancy place then she’s going to have to wait. I’m not going to leave my newborn to go barhopping all night for her birthday. She doesn’t want to meet me at the park instead of a coffee shop. We seem to have little to chat about anyway. I am trying to stay connected since hopefully we can reconnect once the kids are older, but we’ll see. I’m very sad to see what was a good friendship end, but I suspect it would have faded anyway.

      On the flip side, I’ve made new friendships with other parents. As someone who can be challenged at making new friends, I found parenthood a great connection. You’re going through similar things, have similar schedules, and setting up a playdate for your kids is easier than inviting someone new to coffee or over for dinner.

   5. Thanks all. I definitely do not intentionally ever leave out or belittle my single friends. Like Ru said, sometimes i’m envious of them and of the time they’ve invested in themselves- not that I wish I hadn’t gotten married, but I know that if I hadn’t, i might have a wider circle of friends, maybe more accomplishments or experiences, spent more time traveling or more time at the gym, etc. INstead I chose to invest that time in my relationship, and i”m not sorry, but my single friends do seem to have very nice lives.
      Anyway, it sounds like it’s unrealistic to think that friendships, along with everything else in life won’t change…so, food for thought.

6. AAM addressed the drug test issue that someone posted about here a while ago (i.e., what do do when you have to take a drug test for a new job, and you might fail, depending on what kind of test you have to take):

   http://www.askamanager.org/2012/10/wee-answer-wednesday-7-short-answers-to-7-short-questions-14.html

7. Shopping help! Next Saturday I have to go to a Venetian masquerade ball for work and the attire is formal with a suggestion to wear “vibrant hues of purple, red, blue and gold”. I haven’t been to a black-tie event in ages, so I don’t have an appropriate dress and live somewhere where the nicest store is a Banana Republic, so I’ll be stuck ordering online and hoping something fits. A few more details: I’m short, so most dresses need to be hemmed and I’m really large-chested (hourglass shape), so strapless only works with a sweatheart neckline (otherwise I look like a football player) and I have to be careful about how low the neckline goes to make sure it’s still appropriate for my colleagues.

   Any thoughts on appropriate dresses?

   1. This sounds awesome!!! I’m envisioning a corseted dress with a huge princess skirt and an elaborate mask that you hold up. No dress suggestions but something along the lines of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. And this would be perfect for TCFKAG’s tumblr – tcfkag.tumblr.com

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