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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Poplin Shirtdress

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A woman wearing a army navy long sleeve dress and open sandal heels

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This Marina Rinaldi shirtdress is GORGEOUS. I’m loving the dark khaki color, the elegant cutouts at the bottom, just everything. A perfect piece for early spring. I would add my favorite shoes and a great necklace for an easy outfit that would fly in just about any setting. 

The dress is $1,245 at Nordstrom and Saks and comes in sizes 16W-22W.

Sales of note for 4/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – 5,263 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 40% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles
  • Brooks Brothers – Friends & Family Sale: 30% off sitewide
  • The Fold – 25% off selected lines
  • Eloquii – $29+ select styles + extra 40% off all sale
  • Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
  • J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 50% off sale styles + 50% swim & coverups
  • J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale: Take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Madewell – Extra 30% off sale + 50% off sale jeans
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 30% off entire purchase w/Talbots card

279 Comments

  1. Wow this is a beautiful dress. Delightful construction, fabric, and design, no notes.

    2. I want to like poplin, but it hates me. I look at it and it wrinkles. It is up there with linen for looking like something I’ve slept in. Good for a day where I’m not doing anything but standing (no sitting, driving, or carrying anything with a shoulder strap).

      1. My current thought on cotton is to find a busy or small scattered print and in my opinion (and to my old eyes), it makes the wrinkling less obvious.

    3. My note would be that the above the knee cut outs would be a little much for my office, but ymmv.

          1. Yeah, I’d be a little concerned about where the cut outs hit when it rides up a bit when sitting. I’d have to try it before buying.

      3. They would not be above the knee on me. One of the benefits of being short I guess.

      4. Same. A little to twee. Cut outs scream good for a day event but not really made for the workplace.

    4. The Marina Rinaldi designs are amazing. And the quality is as well. Too bad the sizing is so limited. Any chance the same designer works with another associated label?

        1. I had no idea, good to know! Was it always a line of theirs or was a smaller line purchased by Max Mara?

    5. I can’t work with poplin and it’s everywhere right now. (Talbots, looking at you.) You can’t wash the dress or you’ll spend the rest of your life ironing it to look the same…which it probably won’t. So that means it’s dry clean only, which means it gets worn much less than I’d like because the dry cleaning always sits in the back of my car for months before it makes it there.

      1. Why not get the cleaners to wash and iron it? You really don’t want to dry clean cotton.

      2. Do you have a steamer? Poplin is easy to care for: machine wash cold, air dry, steam.

  2. I always forget that the Monday pick is going to be wayyyy out of my price range.

    I posted a few days ago about wanting to make decisions more independently without feeling like I needed others input / approval.

    One decision I’d like to make is that I want to wear more dresses. In fact, I mainly want to wear dresses, especially in the spring and summer when you don’t have to bother with tights.

    Where do you like to buy more simple, every day dresses? I work from home so I don’t need anything formal. My style tends towards preppy but more colorful. I’m busty and have hips so things like shirt dresses are hit or miss but a-line or swing dresses generally work well.

    1. I like lands end and Talbot’s. I go for 100% cotton so they last forever and are comfy.

      1. Wow Lands End has stepped up their game since I was a kid, the last time I shopped there. These are cute! And agree 100% cotton is the kind of thing I’m looking for

      1. This looks perfect!

        I’m thinking I should just go to Old Navy and Uniqlo (both in a mall close to each other) and try some things on.

      3. I have that dress but be warned that it is low-cut; I have to wear a cami underneath it. Otherwise it’s super cute and comfortable.

    4. Check out Uniqlo. Sometimes Loft has a few things, too.

      How is the more independent decision-making project going? I think about that post and you sometimes, and I hope you’re starting to feel more confident.

      1. I’m making some progress. At least I’m starting to get more comfortable with the idea. It’s stressful in the moment but I think it’ll be less stressful overall.

        1. It’s a process (if my experience is anything to go by!). But it does get easier — keep at it!

        2. Congrats! Long term it will be rewarding to have spent time on things you genuinely enjoy.

      2. I went shopping last weekend and only texted my sister one pic, which is an improvement. I did return some things that I later thought were too expensive, but still got stuff I really really liked.

        I did a little bit of saying-no-to-family, the highest hurdle. Probably as much as I could have tbh.

    6. I like the tencel jersey dresses from Quince, and the Santorini dresses from Athleta.

    7. Tommy Bahama might work, I have had some great solid knits from there, and some of the patterns are fun.

    9. I like Boden’s jersey dresses (i.e. tshirt fabric). Their quality is great, IMO. They are big on prints, but often have plain colors to choose from as well. You need to know your UK sizing when ordering. Also I am short, curvy and short-waisted, so they work for me. YMMV.

  3. Plant people, help me out please :)

    I have a short front walk that faces west and has no shade. I live in the northern hemisphere (in a Carolina, if that matters). I planted rosemary plants on either side of the walk. I figured, if they had any phototrophisms, it would be that they’d grow a little bit to the west, following the sun. Or maybe to the south, since the sun moves along that way before it blazes away in the afternoon.

    NOPE. The plants on either side of the walk have lurched with about 2 feel of growth to the north, growing into the path and looking totally warped. WTF. Is this normal? I like rosemary plants. Do I cut them way back (they are easily 3 feet tall and have gotten about 3 feet wide, but growing weirdly)? Just move them somewhere less esthetically fraught? Replant something like azaleas? IDK what to do here, but I can’t walk on the walk now without walking through rosemary and becoming fragrant (or getting west from the rain).

    1. You have to prune them! You should prune the top 1/3 in the late winter before the plants are out of their dormancy and prune for shape as needed.

      You’ve actually done exactly what I’m trying to do with lavender, but maybe I should try rosemary instead! I’ve never managed to get them 3 feet tall, I’m so impressed!

    2. There are different varieties of rosemary, some bushy and some not. You can prune what you have but it’s the nature of the cultivar you planted.
      At least you’ll have a bunch to share!

    3. No great advice other than to cut the rosemary way back! I have never had rosemary get that size. :)

    4. I would prune but you may need a support of some kind. You could grow lavender as well if you want another herb. Azaleas would be fine if you want a shrub. Many kinds of roses do well in full sun. As do camelias and peonies if you get them some water. You could also grow a lantana if you want butterflies.

  4. Help me help my kiddo. She tried out for something and was really caught up in the tryouts/auditions. I saw some of it and she looked good! Like, not the best, but maybe top half (I have no experience whatsoever so my opinion means nothing, i don’t even know what she was judged on). I got emailed the results and she is going to be really disappointed. Partially because she didn’t make the “elite” version and partly because the place she did get is with kids 2 years younger than her who happen to be her little sister’s friends.

    Think auditioning for a play aiming for the lead (what she wanted), but being okay with a secondary part (where I thought she’d land and where most of the kids her age landed), and ended up as tree #3 in the chorus in a play where everyone gets a part (where most of the little kids landed).

    The placement email said “let us know if you have any questions” so I did write back and asked for some areas she can focus on improving for next time. I also asked to find out if there was anyone else her age in the lower group because I think she’ll take it better if she’s not the only 5th grade Tree #3 in a group of 2nd and 3rd graders. The hard thing is that this is a team, not a play, so she isn’t with any of her friends who are in one of the upper groups.

    1) what is the kindest way to break this to her? She knows results are being posted this week.
    2) any tips on if I should encourage her to participate despite the “bad” team, or help steer her toward finding something different to do with her time?

    FWIW, she’s got adhd and struggles a lot with focusing on activities. She always has. My gut knows she probably landed with a spot where she did due to her attitude and lack of focus/commitment to this activity in the past but it’s one of those things that she can’t make herself do (like imagine if you wanted to be first chair at music, and so you practiced, but your adhd and general attitude kept you from practicing as much as all the other kids and you end up sitting as like chair 15/15. Do you just find something different?)

    1. This seems like the kind of thing where you say some kind words but back off and let your kid figure out how to proceed, especially if it’s a teen. Dealing with disappointment and natural consequences (if focus was an issue in the audition) are importantly life skills.

      1. +1 I’d also say that doing things you’re not great at and still having fun is a life skill too.

        1. +1 I keep running marathons for fun even though I’m not going to win or place or will ever win or place.

          If she wants a better part, she needs to show that with consistency of practice and performance so frame it as an opportunity to focus on building those skills so she’s ready to move up at the next auditions.

          Trying hard and failing and dealing with that disappointment is an important resilience builder for kids.

      2. +1 Let her deal with this, I think you overstepped by writing and asking for feedback. Your daughter can do that if she chooses it.

        1. I’m the one with sports kid below, and I don’t think it’s overstepping to ask for feedback. I do think you should refrain from sharing the feedback with your kid, though. if it’s something you think she should hear, encourage her to ask the coach, herself. In our case, the feedback was that son had gotten upset about how a play had gone and was a little teary on the bench, even though he still went out and k1lled it on his next shift. the coach therefore thought he needed another year to mature before playing up.
          there was also some politicking and future planning that had nothing to do with his individual performance. we did NOT pass any of that along, because I didn’t want son to get the message that emotions are not allowed, or that there are grownups playing games irrespective of how hard he works.

        2. IDK as a working mom, I feel that the SAH/flex moms who are able to linger and chat know all the tea on what is actually expected and who is at what ability level and as a mom who is perpetually doing a drop-and-go or splitting with dad, I’d appreciate some honest feedback (b/c often the kid doesn’t hear / doesn’t retail). But I’m talking like a 5 minute convo, max, and mainly for info and feedback vs any sort of “why aren’t you playing my kid” argument or anything frictive.

          1. Boy, isn’t this the truth. I feel like my kids sometimes lose out because DH and I are never part of the parents’ in group. Of any activity.

          2. I agree. Even though my work schedule is pretty flexible, I can’t linger around for a half hour after the end of the activity and/or sit and watch practices or rehearsals. Some of the SAHMs seem to stay for everything and it does affect how much they know and what insider info they pick up.

            Also my eldest had a situation where she was routinely confused for another kid in ballet and would sometimes get feedback for the other kid to her consternation.

        5. The HS drama teacher in my area hosts a meeting with parents before tryouts and explicitly says she will not respond with feedback to parents, so not to ask for it.

          1. OP’s kid is 10 though, not in high school. Different calculus for an elementary aged kid I think.

    2. This is such an important moment for you and for your kid. Your job is to acknowledge her feelings, do something to remind her that she’s special (maybe ice cream or something), and then to gently acknowledge that this happens. This kind of thing is part of life and learning that it’s both okay to feel your feelings but also really necessary to accept the process is vital.

      As for encouraging her to do something else — that’s up to you and your kid, I guess. If it were me, I would encourage my kid to participate. No small parts, being part of a team, etc — quitting because you didn’t get what you wanted seems like a bad precedent.

    3. I don’t think it’s helpful to send a message she should switch activities just because she didn’t make varsity, or whatever the equivalent is. None of us are ever going to always succeed at something the first time, and learning how to deal with that and still persevere is a really good skill. Let her think about this result and decide what she wants to do, without prejudging it.

      1. “None of us are ever going to always succeed at something the first time, and learning how to deal with that and still persevere is a really good skill.”

        I would even say learning to persevere in the face of failure is not just a really good skill to learn, but THE skill to learn, in order to be successful, resilient, and content in life.

        1. A competition dance studio is not really the place to learn that lesson. So much of it has to do with personalities and parental politics that it’s unlikely any amount of hard work and dedication will ever get her onto the top team at this particular studio. She needs to go somewhere else where her hard work has a chance of mattering, not waste her time on the baby team where she clearly isn’t wanted.

          1. The more I learn about dance, the more glad I am that my daughter never had any interest. My impression is toxic mean girl energy. And based on the parents I know who have kids in competitive dance … the shoe seems to fit.

    4. It’s hard to say because your description doesn’t make much sense- you keep using examples from music and theater but then say that this is a team? And are the ages you give correct, she’s on a team with all second graders when she’s in fifth grade? If that’s really right, I can see why that might feel a little awkward for a sport because she’d be so much bigger than everyone else and that age difference is a pretty big deal at those ages. What kind of group would even do that? In general, I’d say that there value in pursuing activities she enjoys, regardless of how well she does in the audition, as that’s how you improve, but this situation does feel a little bit weird… I think the details really matter here and we don’t have them.

      1. +1 Your comment hints that she has a history in this — attitude and lack of practice in the past.

        Is this the kind of thing where she’s been doing this activity for a while, with an attitude of some kind, and without practicing, and now she tried out for people who have known her and understand her capacity?

      2. Eh, okay. It’s a dance team where you can be 2nd-7th grade and they have different levels based on your skill. She’s been dancing since PK. She made the team that is technically for kids 7-10 but the entire team is 7 and 8 year olds (many of whom are close friends with her non-dancing younger sister!) and takes everyone that meets the minimum age. All her classmates from dance and her buddies from the studio made one of the 3 other levels of team. I didn’t expect her to make the top team, and honestly even the lowest team wasn’t shocking until I saw that the other kids were essentially 0 experience kids and she’s got easily 3 years on them. Then again, I know absolutely nothing about dance teams. I asked for feedback because (1) the studio specifically left it open and (2) if she just doesn’t have the right attitude/skill set for what she was interested in doing, I feel like it’s time for that conversation so she can explore other things to do. Sort of all adjacent to this is that she’s like a foot taller and 2 grades up from all the other girls. IDK if she’ll care, but I would, so I’m pre-emptively worrying about it!

        1. It sounds like they’re sending her a message by putting her on that team and I understand why this could feel awkward. But I think you should just follow her lead. Maybe she just likes to dance and won’t really care. But if she does feel embarrassed about, that would be understandable, and you should be supportive in discussing where to go from here, whether that’s dancing elsewhere, committing more to practice, or trying something else.

          1. I think it is good advice to follow her lead. If she wants to quit because of this, I would let her. If she doesn’t care, then I would let her continue. I think that my kids would be bothered by being the only 10 year old in a group of 7-8 year olds though, so it is fair to be concerned. Are there really NO other older kids in her new group?

            OP- I also think it is fine that you asked for feedback. She is only 10, and in the grand scheme of things, that is super young.

        2. I LOVED dance as a kid (and still do) but I am objectively terrible at it.

          I danced competitively from 8 to 18 and basically never won anything. I also was in with really little kids at points (and I’m super tall so it was really apparent) but I loved the experience and feel like it set me up for adulthood.

          Three takeaways:

          – i went to a really chill studio where the emphasis was on having fun move your body, appreciating the art of dance, and frankly just goofing off with your friends. Very few kids are going to be ballerinas. I feel like all of these super competitive programs now miss that point.

          – Knowing how to be active as an adult and just enjoy things is so important. Like there are no awards for tennis or soccer or dance in real life, but being active and having fun just messing around and being bad is really important to health and happiness.

          – i desperately wanted to be on my school dance team with the cool girls at school. I did not make the team on merits and never actually participated but I was picked for the squad (and was able to wear the uniform to class which, lets be real was the main goal) because i leaned into exceling at other marginal skills that the team needed. I think this taught me really good problem solving skills. I learned early that there is multiple ways to get to a goal if you are creative, which has been so important in real life.

          1. This. Hugs, mom. I remember not making the 8th grade cheer squad and being devastated.

        3. Oh I’m the figure skater below and this is basically exactly what happened to me. I’m also really tall so the age gap seemed even larger than it was. In my case, things returned to normal the following year. Skating is super political, but I’m guessing dance teams are too.
          I agree on following her lead. Don’t act bothered about it if she’s not.

        4. Absolutely agree that the studio is telling you something. Dance teams are all about politics, including how many classes and private lessons your daughter is taking at the studio and how involved you are as a dance mom. It is also possible that she got put in the lowest level because she did not try out until she was 10 years (instead of 7 years old) like the other kids. It is not at all objective. So, I don’t have any sage advice on what to tell your daughter, but I might suggest veering towards either a different studio or a different sport.

          1. Another vote that you are being sent a message. The studio doesn’t want her. If she is dead set on dance, find another studio.

            If she really loves dance and wants to be good at it, not just to compete and wear sparkly costumes, look at a real professional ballet school. Ours doesn’t compete at all and has one recital per year. Kids from this school attend competitive summer intensives and sometimes go on to professional careers. It is rigorous but fun and the kids learn much better technique than they would at a competition studio, with the added benefit of a live pianist. A 10-year-old with some dance experience would be placed with same-age peers, either in a class with kids who had taken a couple years of ballet at the school or in a catch-up class for older kids with no experience, depending on skill level.

        5. I just want to speak up in support of feedback and having a conversation. So many parents are pushy and insane about stuff like this that I think it gets a bad rep. But I can tell you from my own life that I got rejected from a first choice school once over what turned out to be a mistake in how my info was entered and had I not called to ask about, I would have never gotten in. I also have a kid who was put on a lower tier of something and I asked about it in a neutral way and the response was “we don’t think she is committed enough but if she wants to try with the understanding that she will lose the spot if she can’t keep up, we are fine with it.” Well, I gave her the option and she’s been motivated by that to keep up. I agree you should take the lead from your kid and this is not a big deal, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying “hey, kid has been dancing for 3 years and we noticed she’s in a group with all beginners who are also younger. That’s obviously fine if that is where she should be, but can you please help us understand why she was placed in this group despite her age and experience?”

          2. Agree. My parents were never the intervening type, and there were a few times where I really wish they had stepped in with a diplomatic phone call or meeting. Adults make mistakes and forget things and have explanations that kids don’t always receive or understand.

        6. I was in your daughter’s situation and it was miserable. I felt a lot of shame instead of increasing confidence, and I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I ended up quitting, but if I had stuck it out, I think I would have ended up with girls my own age in a year or two (but that feels like an eternity when you’re 10) or if I had been signed up for more classes. If she likes dance, make all her options clear to her before backing off and letting her take the lead. It might not occur to her that she could move to another studio or try another similar activity, especially if she’s upset.

      1. Not the OP, the problem with ADHD is being able to perform in the moment. I speak from hard-won experience. Medication definitely helps. Learning techniques with a therapist is a good idea. Whether they can actually put them into practice when they need to is never a guarantee. I hate to say it, but ADHD is always going to be a thing that has to be factored into activities.

        1. Yeah I don’t think there’s any med or technique that helps ADHD people get past the issue where “off days” are just way, way more “off” than they are for people without ADHD. I always think of it like life with ADHD is a figure skating championship and even if we have every technique and tool and even if we prepared thoroughly, we may still just fall on our butt in front of the judges, no matter how many times we landed that jump in practice.

          1. Yes, well said. ADHD affects everything. The highs are higher, and the lows are, well, really low. Currently dealing with this with my ADHD teen who is having trouble in one of his activities because he just cannot seem to control certain behaviors even though he knows that he really, really needs to. Ultimately, he is probably going to lose out on opportunities because of that.

            I don’t know what to tell OP, other than to sympathize. It’s hard to parent and coach these kids, even when they’re doing all the things they need to do.

          2. OP here and my heart hurts reading this, and my heart hurt when I saw where she placed, because that’s exactly the situation. Her bad days are just so bad. I have other kids and things are just so much harder for this one. Like, it’s not surprising that people don’t want to deal with her, I have trouble too! But the poor kid can’t find her place/people and struggles in ways that her brother and sister just…don’t.

        2. Oh I’m well aware but unmanaging ADHD and being wildly chaotic is not a winning strategy.

        3. The problem with ADHD medication is that it has some side effects that can really impede sports performance… you have to be fed and hydrated to sport well, and Adderall is a major appetite suppressant. Also, ADHD brain is a huge asset in actually playing fast-paced sports. So there’s a balance you have to work out at an individual level of what trade-offs you’re ok with.

        4. 10:05, my heart hurts for you. Parenting a kiddo with ADHD is parenting on hard mode. And it’s so very apparent when you have other neurotypical kids who seem to glide through life in comparison. People who aren’t in the trenches REALLY don’t get it. I don’t even talk about parenting with my friends much anymore.

    6. If she’s the oldest, maybe you can frame it as an opportunity for her to model good behavior to the littler kids and and focus on what the 1st string players are doing that make them successful, and then she can try again next year.

      1. Please don’t do this. I’m the oldest & the idea that my life had to operate as a teaching element was so terrible & damaging.

        1. I’m the oldest and was also taught that my life had to operate with a teaching element. I ran with it (and did not suffer damage). Maybe this daughter will also step up as a leader. Not everyone takes the opportunity to lead poorly.

          1. This feels like a mean reply. I didn’t not “step up as a leader.” Nor did I or do I “lead poorly.” And I disagree strongly that this is about leadership, anyway.

            Obviously, it depends on the kid and the circumstance. But I do think it can be a shitty thing to do to a kid, and it can structure a sibling relationship in ways that doesn’t do it any good.

          2. This comment isn’t about being the eldest sibling though; it was about the kid being the oldest in the dance group. Kids need a chance to experience being a leader (no, no one’s saying “all the time!”) and this could be a very natural opportunity for this particular kid to step up

          3. Do you believe setting any expectation for a child is a bad thing to do? How can they stretch themselves if no one expects anything hard of them?

    7. In your quest to anonymize this you’ve made it too hard to follow. But in general, teaching your kid that you don’t flounce just because you didn’t get what you wanted the first time? Even though you tried? An important message.

    8. So, my son is a really good (sport) player for his age. Like, leading scorer on his team every year, natural athlete, every game he makes a move or a play that all the spectators involuntarily “oooh” over.

      Last year, also as a 5th grader with ADHD, he had a poor showing at tryouts and didn’t make the upper team where all his friends were playing. My husband and I were so worried about how to tell him, thinking he’d be crushed. What actually happened:
      kid: did you get an email bout my team yet?
      me: yes, you made the “gold” team.
      kid: yeeeeah *brushes shoulders.* Wait, isn’t blue the top team?
      me: yes
      kid: so I’m not on the top team?
      me: right, but you’ll make new friends, and you’ll still be able to work hard and improve your game.
      kid: ok…
      me: how do you feel?
      kid: *straightens up, skips off* cool, more people for me to dominate!

      He did have a ton of fun over the the season, make a bunch of new friends, was still the top scorer, still made the all-star team, and now has played with almost everyone in the club within two years of his age. His team also gelled really well, and sometimes that’s part of what the coaches are selecting for – your daughter may be on that team for a reason that had nothing to do with her skill (which is frustrating, but that’s life!).

      All that to say, your daughter might be way more resilient than you think! I’m sure she’ll be a little bummed, but I’d focus on helping her see this as an opportunity for her to show sportsmanship, leadership, and learn to take disappointment in stride while still working toward her goals. I hope she sticks with it and has a great season.

    9. I think this is a valuable lesson for both of you that you should not allow ADHD to be an excuse for a bad attitude, and that there are consequences for bad attitudes.

      1. I kind of agree with this both as an adult with ADHD and as a parent of a teen with ADHD. It’s wonderful that she is learning the lesson early that you can’t always just rely on natural talent/intelligence. Practice (of any kind – like revising an essay/practicing a sport or skill) is really, really boring for an ADHD brain. However, the sooner your kid learns to connect boring practice=greater chance of getting thing I really want the better. Alternately – she may decide that the team isn’t worth the boring part of practice to her – that’s valid too.

        1. ADHD doesn’t necessarily mean a child can’t practice music. In fact, hyperfocus can help with practice. Proper practice is the opposite of boring–it’s an intense process of constant listening and adjustment. If you are just plowing through exercises by rote without thinking about what you’re doing, which is what’s boring, you’ll never be really excellent. My kid has ADHD and is majoring in music in college. Her only issue with practicing is remembering to go to the practice room. Once she gets there she’s fine.

    10. My kid started playing an instrument in middle school. She was probably the best kid in her school (in a cohort that also started in middle school). She auditioned for a non-school orchestra and based on skills is 2 feet higher than her stand partner (a boy who hasn’t yet hit puberty yet; my kid looks like a young adult now that her braces are off); there is another kid that looks barely school age and plays a tiny version of the instrument that a parent still helps to carry and put away (my kid learned on my adult sized instrument). It’s just awkward. She loves the challenge but may drop it as high school gets harder and just keep the school orchestra up since at least in school, she is playing with peers and the vibe isn’t weird.

    11. Maybe this will be an encouraging story: my 8.5yo, 3rd grade son last year was struggling in baseball tryouts for AAA, and we asked to play him down in AA (because of the age cutoff in Little League, he could have played in either.) Also because of the age cutoff not being tied to grade, several of my younger son’s 1st grade classmates were on the team. In fact, the coach’s son was good friends with my younger one.

      At first my older son was discouraged, because all his peers were in the upper level. But it ended up being the BEST possible situation. He was one of the better skilled players on the lower team, which gave him confidence and allowed him to step into the role of leader. This led him to want to practice more, and he worked REALLY hard, and then decided to try out for and made the travel team for summer. His skills and love for the game improved SO much, because he was at an appropriate level, instead of struggling and feeling beaten down with the older group.

      FWIW I also suspect ADHD with him, and he did do a lot of fooling around the prior year. So giving him extra time to bloom was a gift

    12. This sounds like competition cheer in my neighborhood. Godspeed and good luck.

      I’ve seen families take a few avenues here including changing clubs, accepting the lower team at the current club and politicking/private lessoning hard for the next year, or taking the year off to try a new activity.

      These teams are wildly time intensive, so some of the girls are pretty jazzed to have more free time, pick up music lessons and take a family vacation to somewhere other than a competition destination.

      1. I live in the bougiest of neighborhoods. How do I know? A parent bought a league (or a franchise or something) just for their kid to be able to be on a top-level team for some travel-based sport.

        I wish that there was the equivalent of co-rec sports because kids do benefit from physical activity and doing things that aren’t screen time with other humans. But our city expect whole-family 100% commitment from kids and parents and g-d forbid a family has 2 working parents or other kids who like other things. It’s literally all or nothing; no medium speed.

        1. The expectations around so many kids’ activities have gotten completely out of control. These coaches and organizations act like this is The One and Only Thing that is happening in a family’s life.

        2. Yes! I hate that my kids have aged out of rec level sports by third grade in my city. It’s utterly ridiculous. They host “tryouts” but the team are full. They cut kids from teams because the Dad doesn’t gel with the other dads. Police were called for protection orders after one team’s fallout last year.

          The drama could make network TV.

        3. My non sporty kids (6th & 8th grade) have had so much fun in our park district sports now that many kids have moved on to travel. There is some risk that the sports don’t run due to low interest, but when there are enough kids to operate they really enjoy them.

    13. This sounds like a lot like what happens in gymnastics. Girls want to be on the most serious track (DP) and are frequently offered only the recreational competitive track (Excel) or recreational non-competitive classes. Gyms will also cut girls from DP and drop them back to Excel. The solution is usually just to try out at another gym. Some girls really aren’t cut out for DP in terms of attention or athletic ability, but at least at Level 3 you can usually find a gym willing to take them and then they will lose interest after a couple of years. Or you can find a gym with a really solid Excel program that will be a good fit.

      Short answer: Find another club/organization/whatever and have her try out there.

      1. My kid never made it past rec gymnastics, where she languished and got bored and quit. I took it as a sign that gymnastics was not for her. She was consistently one of the better ones in class, both in skills and behavior, so I don’t know what was up with that.

        1. At a lot of gyms it’s about the politics and whether the owners like the parents.

          1. So many unwritten rules. We were at every practice and I wouldn’t be able to pick the owner out of a lineup. At any rate, I’m fine with leaving that world!

    14. If she doesn’t have the attitude and coachability required for this sport, she will be happier finding another activity. A lot of ADHD kids love rock climbing, and rock climbing team practices are fun.

        1. OP, my ADHD kiddo enjoyed martial arts quite a bit around your daughter’s age. He got to be with other people, but it’s really an individual quest rather than team-focused. Plus, moving through the belt ranks was highly motivating.

    15. I was a serious figure skater growing up, and one year for our big annual ice show I ended up left out of the group I normally skated with (which was girls my age and 1-2 years younger) and in a group of less skilled skaters who were much younger. I was around 12 or 13 I think and was mortified about performing with 8-9 year olds. But it ended up actually being pretty fun, they were all sweet and adopted me as a quasi-big sister. I would encourage her to give it a try, but let her stop at a natural endpoint (end of season, after the show, etc.) if she doesn’t enjoy it.

    16. On number 2, I’d actually let her quit. She’s getting to the age where it just gets more and more competitive and she’s clearly not going to make future cuts either. I’d refocus on finding something she both enjoys and is good at. There’s no harm in having tried but not everything works out. Doesn’t sound like she’s letting anyone down either in this context.

      1. Same. Competitive dance isn’t going to work for her and it’s also expensive and toxic.

        1. Same. Staying in something can prevent you from discovering other things because a family of 3 kids and 2 working adults can only juggle so much. We do a drop and add strategy (or quit to golf or quit to do scouts), where we want to encourage substitutions and dabbling. Especially if there is none of the upside associated with the activity. B

    17. I have no advice, but except for the fact that the most recent try-out issue our family went through was 2 months ago, I’d worry that I blacked out and wrote this. My kiddo is 11. She sounds just like your daughter and it can be so, so hard. I’ve been reading these comments and recs with interest.

    18. I’d try and give her the results as neutrally as you can manage.

      My kid got disappointed about dance casting periodically, but she had a lot of great friends at the studio and at the end was often just as happy to be a tree or a party guest in the show as Alice or Clara or whatever else. If she does want to talk about it (and she may be like “meh whatever”), you could always point out that even professional dancers start out in the corps/the back row most of the time and this is a good way to show her teachers that she’s a hard worker and a capable dancer.

      1. This is different from being in the back row of the corps, though. It’s not a real dance show, it’s just a competition team, and she’s been put on the no-cut beginner team as a much older kid with experience. The studio wants her to quit.

    19. Hi! You’ve gotten a ton of advice upthread…I’m writing to you as the mom of athletes and performers (although no competitive dancers) to commiserate. I do think the arts are tough in terms of watching your kids try/fail — in music, dance, and theater, there’s one assignment per person. It’s not like you’re the backup quarterback and you get put in the game with the chance to prove yourself — and it’s rare that an understudy ever gets to perform. So I think that with the arts, it’s especially tough. Also, I’m pro ask-for-feedback at age 10 (what is that, 4th or 5th grade?) while also coaching the kid to do the same. Too many people DON’T ask for feedback and then complain about not knowing the why behind a decision! One thing I’ve noticed — when my performer kiddo hasn’t landed where she’s wanted to, she’s come out stronger. Yours will too!

    20. I’m a little late to the party, but I made it :)

      I’m a former educator (K – 12 but majority K-5). I would recommend the following based on her response:

      If she’s upset/disappointed:
      1) Having a frank talk about how sometimes we try out for things and don’t get what we want. Sometimes we’ve tried our best, but there were people who were better. Sometimes, we think about something we might have done differently (like practice more) – but regardless, it is still disappointing. I might ask – “Is there anything you think you could have done differently?” and see how that goes BUT if she thinks she did her best, I would let it alone.
      2) Asking her what she’d like to do. If she’s not sure, I might offer up some suggestions (but I wouldn’t lead with quitting). She might really like being “in charge” of the younger girls (I would have) or maybe there’s a different role for her you don’t yet know about (behind the scenes).

      If she is cool with it, I’d just let her roll with it.

      1. Also, I would not tell her ahead of time because then you’re setting it up to be disappointing. I would let her response take the lead.

    21. Late to reply but I’ve been in this position with my daughter and it sucks.

      I did what you did and honestly it didn’t help her at all. What I wish I had done was help her read the room and understand this is a rejection. It’s a skill to be able to bounce back.

      Our neurodiverse children are going to be rejected so many more times than a typical child and helping them build resilience will take them further than sucking it up in an activity they have been rejected from. My son now keeps to himself a lot because it’s easier than being rejected constantly, which he finds exhausting and has previously made a him a target for bullying.

      This won’t be the first or last time she has been rejected. It hurts. Acknowledge that it hurts and guide her to moving on to activities where she can contribute to the team as an individual. Some examples include track & field (athletics), swimming, golf, rock climbing, music (orchestra) and theatre. My son does well in robotics. My youngest has done well with martial arts. My eldest has now written two plays for our local theatre company.

      She can still dance of course but it’s not known as a good activity for inclusivity. Same goes for skating, gymnastics and cheer.

      It is hard for us as parents to see our child rejected. It hurts hard and deep. I sought help from a therapist because I was so upset and angry that this was happening to my children. I’m happy I got the help for myself and my children. Life looks very different for my children. They don’t have many friends. Birthday parties are very small. It’s good though. They have very good friends who genuinely like them and are true friends.

  5. Good morning!
    Does anyone have a recommendation for an orthodontist treating adults in the DC Metro area? Thanks!

    1. Drs Demarco and Tilkin just outside the beltway in Silver Spring are really good, and I’ve appreciated that their practice is so well managed, always on time, smooth admin and billing processes. Primarily middle school clientele, but I’ve seen adults in there.

      1. I used Dr. Thomas Gluck at Watergate Dental for my Invisalign as an adult, but he’s practiced in a lot of cosmetic dentistry. He’s a delight, super experienced and always ranks in the Washingtonian’s “best of”. The whole practice is great.

    2. Dr. Andrew Schwartz at Capitol Orthodontics. On K Street by Farragut West metro station and also has an office in Rockville. Lots of adult patients (including me!).

  6. How much anti aging stuff do you do?

    I’m in my early 30s and a friend just told me she got “preventative botox” with another friend. So I guess this is a thing people are doing? It sounds like it’s not permanent, it’s something you have to keep doing every so often.

    I have dry skin and no real wrinkles. I put on normal face lotion and sunscreen. The only real issues is dark circles, which is genetic. My mom looks young for her age and same thing, only issue is dark circles really. Now in her late 50s she has some crows feet.

    Am I deluding myself and do I need to do more? Too late to start once you notice something? Honestly I look a little young for my age so looking my age probs won’t hurt.

    1. I don’t do any injections or fillers or anything, but I’m religious about my skincare routine and sunscreen. I’m almost 40 and people at work think I’m 25 so I guess it’s working.

    2. 44, and not much. I wash, moisturize, occasionally exfoliate, and use sunscreen. I think I look fine? Certainly not any older than my peers. I have used anti-aging products in the past and honestly never could tell much difference (and I don’t want hard-core intervention), so I’ve decided to care way less.

      Plus, I have sensitive, rosacea-prone skin, so keeping that under control is always going to be a higher priority than anti-aging anything.

    3. Zero. I use whatever Olay cleanser was on sale and then whatever Olay moisterizer was on sale. Right now it’s a Vit C and Peptide 24 cream. I use Neutragena sunscreen when I’m going to be outside.

    4. I started preventative Botox in my 30s and am 50 now and it’s the best thing I could have done. I look a decade younger and don’t do anything else I’d classify as anti-aging (I consider hair maintenance to be an ageless endeavor.)

    5. Late 30ies, I don’t do anything beyond moisturizing and sunscreen although I could be better about the latter. That’s in the greater picture of being generally not fashion forward, dressing in classic cuts and wearing no makeup, which is very normal in my circle. ymmv.
      Occasionally I have moments of “is everyone doing a whole routine that I’ve totally slept on?” But I just can’t get myself to scheduling beauty appointments and spending energy on all that stuff. I guess I’ll just look my age.

      1. Yes, agree about the time commitment involved! I think I don’t care enough to invest more time. I get my hair cut and colored regularly; that’s enough beauty appointments for me. I do my own nails.

      2. I fully embrace just aging gracefully instead of spending tons of time and money for things that may or may not have the desired effect.

    6. I’m 38 and people tell me I look younger. For me it’s sunscreen, retinoid, and putting on a little weight in the last couple years.

    7. 49 years old. Throughout my 20s & 39s, I used a sunscreen moisturizer in the am, and a nighttime moisturizer and eye cream in the pm. Now in my 40s, I’ve added vitamin c serum in the am & retinol in the pm.

      My opinion — fillers & Botox don’t make people look younger or fresher; they make people look like they have fillers & Botox. YMMV, and of course do what makes you happy. But consistency & simplicity have been my skincare routine & I think my skin looks good. It’s healthy, at any rate.

      1. 44 and I disagree about Botox. Fillers make you look like you have fillers. Light botox? So so worth it. I look younger now than I did at 38. I didn’t start Botox until I was 40. I don’t do it very often (3 times a year). I didn’t want to like it but I would give up all other extra expenses before I gave up Botox.

      2. Botox and fillers are not the same thing. Botox stops the wrinkles from forming by paralyzing the muscle but it doesn’t add anything in your face. That’s why it works to start young and doesn’t do as much as you age. Fillers look like fillers and that’s probably why you’re putting them in the same bucket – lots of people do both but it’s the fillers you notice, not the Botox.

    8. I did some research into preventative botox and in theory it works, because you’re stopping the deep lines from forming. But the flipside is the cost (let’s say, $1500/year). Would it be better to have $15k of Botox in your 30s, or enter your 40s with $15k to spend? Maybe that’s an eye lift, botox and a deep chemical peel. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer, it’s preference and what priorities/aesthetics you’re going for. Personally, I do retinol, vit C, sunscreen and sun protection (daily sunglasses and hats for direct sun).

      1. FWIW, in your 30s you only need to do Botox like once a year to get the preventative effect, so you’re talking $300 not $1500.

      2. I would rather spend that money getting massages, so I can actually feel good and have more enjoyment. If I was surrounded by people who got Botox, maybe I would feel the pressure to look similar, but that’s not the case for me. It’s a status thing. Beauty is also about who you are and the energy you bring in real life.

    9. I don’t think you need to do anymore now, but also it wouldn’t be too late if you do want to do a little more later. I always had great skin with sunscreen/tretinoin, and then, after a 3+ year long medical, uh, misadventure, I suddenly didn’t anymore. I will admit that dealing with all that, I really just wanted to look like myself again, and now I get a baby dose of Botox every 4 months (in addition to sunscreen/tretinoin) and I think that I do.

    11. I’m your age with no fine lines. I wear SPF 50 on my face, neck, and chest every single day. I’ve been doing this since college and it’s paid off but it’s never too late to start. I have a tretinoin prescription but I’ve been lazy about getting through the adjustment period. I haven’t gotten botox but I figure I will once lines appear on my forehead.

      Some of my friends started getting botox in their late twenties and were unhappy with their looks when they had to quit during pregnancy. Once you get used to smooth skin it’s jarring when you stop the injections.

    12. I use sunscreen daily and also vitamin c serum and tretinoin. A good daily moisturizer with ceramides and a hyaluaronic acid serum and night cream.

      I would rather improve the quality of my skin with ingredients that have been studied extensively than add injections to it (which is costly, a hassle, and painful), but that’s just me.

      The YouTuber HotandFlashy really does her research, is a critical thinker, profiles less expensive products too, and is my go-to resource. She uses way more products than I ever would though.

    13. I’m 45 and have never done botox or fillers or anything that requires an injection. Maybe a facial or chemical peel once or twice a year once I hit my 40s. Moisturizer with sunscreen is key. Also, make-up can really age your skin over time. I don’t wear any foundation/concealer and find my skin is more radiant now than it was in my late 20s / early 30s when I thought I had to wear that stuff every day.

      1. Mid 40s, and I am genuinely tired of wearing foundation, but I cannot deny how unpolished I look without it. And I’m not even wearing something with super high coverage. I have very low-contrast features and just look tired without it.

        1. I still use a creme blush stick and will blend a small dot on my forehead and chin if I’m looking a bit tired.

    14. I do Botox for forehead wrinkles when they bug me. But also, I like beauty stuff. I enjoy it. Op it seems like you think you look good and aren’t into beauty stuff so I’m wondering why you care what your friend does.

      One of the most upsetting things I read here is that women that like Botox or fillers or hair color are somehow hurting other women by doing those things. They’re not. I promise. Your friend’s Botox won’t make you look older now or in 20 years. Try it if you’re interested but not because of a made up anti aging imperative.

      1. But they kinda are.

        I remember the look on my male cousin’s face when he saw me after I grew out my grey. He couldn’t speak. Yes, this is what a middle aged woman looks like. Yes – even tour wife – who is 15yrs younger than you – would look like if she stopped pretending she didn’t have grey hair.

        But this doesn’t surprise me. As the rights of women are on the downturn and Trad wife is rising, please get out the dye/Botox/lasers ….

        1. My hair was completely gray by the time I was 30. That is just not natural. I’m not hurting other women by covering it up, but I would be hurting myself by looking 20 years older than I actually am.

          1. But have you considered that this might make your husband find his own graying cousin less attractive?

          3. this was me too. now in my 40s I’m letting it grow out to be a silver goddess (lol), but I also get botox several times a year, and make sure I have brows/lips always.

      2. I think women should have the choice to get botox if they want, or dye their hair, or get 6 piercings or whatever, and I would never give a friend a hard time about choosing that… but it definitely changes social standards. I’m 33, I’m starting to get noticeable forehead lines, and I don’t /want/ to deal with the expense and rigamarole of Botox but I also want people to perceive me and treat me as someone who’s “put together”. And how other women look plays into what people’s expectations for “well groomed” are (and it’s absolutely something more than just “clean and neat”). Yes, I have a choice, but it’s naive to pretend it’s entirely influenced by others’

      3. Of course it does, our peers and the media influence what we think is normal and standard.

    15. I’m 43 and still get strangers who think my daughter and I are sisters.

      I wash my face in the shower with whatever farmers market bar soap is on my washcloth. I use sunscreen when I’m actually outdoors and remember it (northern midwest, office job with no windows, don’t really see much of the sun until summer). I don’t wear makeup other than for special occasions a few times per year. Other than that, I don’t really do anything intentional with my face.

      My skin is smooth and is blemish free most of the time. I have some faint wrinkles. My mother’s skin is very similar but with somewhat more noticeable wrinkles, and my grandmother has some age spots in addition to more pronounced wrinkles. I think my grandma looks great and would look really odd without any wrinkles. To me, looking like a fresh-faced 20-something is best suited for the 20-somethings.

    16. Late forties here, and no botox and use no antiaging skincare beyond SPF and sunglasses.

      I don’t have brow wrinkles, and I think that’s because I wear shades and don’t squint at bright light.

    17. Some of this all is really just genetics. This will likely horrify some of you, but I wash my face with bar soap (Dove), moisturize with vanicream or Marin (which I think is generally a hand lotion), and I don’t wear sunscreen often. I am regularly mistaken for being much younger. If you take after your mom you will likely age like her, right? Think of men – most men our ages do nothing and they look fine.

      1. A lot is genetics for sure. I’m 41, have worn sunscreen every day for the last 15+ years, wash my face with drugstore brand cleanser, and put argan oil on my face at night after I shower, but that’s it. I do have “11s” that I think about botoxing occasionally, but haven’t tried yet. I have some fine lines around my eyes and my forehead is not perfectly smooth anymore, but I’m in my 40s, married with kids…my life doesn’t require me to be ready for a close-up at all times, thank goodness. all things considered, I’d get Rx for my hormonal acne before anything anti-aging.

        I feel like my mom’s skin always looked great for her age, and I didn’t notice it looked older or particularly wrinkled until a couple years ago. She’s almost 70. I drew a pretty lucky hand.

      2. I’m not sure about this because women seem to be aging so differently from what I remember growing up. When I was a kid, women in their 60s were little old ladies, including my relatives (like my grandparents). Now my relatives in their 60s look like soap opera stars in comparison (including my mom).

        1. Yeah, I have been using topical anti-aging treatments for years and my skin does look better than my twin sister’s, in my humble opinion, (who hasn’t been doing that to the same degree). It’s not transformative but it is noticeable if you look closely.

    18. I am nearly 45 and I look much younger (I have been in my Master’s level field for 21 years and when I tell people that, their faces do the math as they imagine me graduating with my masters at like 7 or something). I will say it runs in the family a little bit, as I think we all look pretty good for our age.

      I do the following:
      1) I drink adequate water and eat my fruits and veggies.
      2) I drink maybe 1 drink once a week. I have never smoked in my life.
      3) I use sunscreen a great deal and stay out of the sun. I also try to stay well moisturized (we live in the northeast, and I use a humidifier in the winter).
      4) I have pretty dry skin that isn’t acne prone. Sometimes I use a gentle acid based exfoliating cleanser (but very rarely because I forget).
      5) I do color my hair to eliminate grays – but I don’t have too many.

      I don’t do much else. I have a good friend 10 years younger than me and is a drinker and a sun worshiper. She just had a chemical peel because her skin looks much older than mine. I really do think limiting sun exposure is key to helping people age less aggressively.

  7. I have an unemployment insurance question. I work for a DHS component that’s widely rumored to be gutted this week.

    I have a very intermittent part time job – let’s say I used to work retail on the side and the store occasionally calls me when they’re understaffed and offers for me to pick up a shift if I want.

    If I’m unemployed, I’m filing for unemployment immediately but I’ll also tell the store I have lots of availability and am happy to cover more shifts. I can’t go back full time because I’ll make too much for UI.

    Any recs on how to best handle this?

    1. Unemployment doesn’t give you much. I max it out in my state with prior salary and dependents and it’s a little under $400 a week. So, if you can make more than that in retail while still leaving enough time for job searching, I would just pick up the shifts.

      1. Part of it is the principle of it – I know UI is from the state and not the Feds, but if I was a high achieving federal employee doing my job well with a good reputation and I’m laid off by ICE Barbie because they hate people who need help and my job is to help then screw it I want what paltry benefits I’m eligible for…

        I have a few irons in the fire so hopefully I won’t be without work for too long but on principle I’m angry and heartbroken and screw it if I can get my $500 a week I will

    2. Go online and read unemployment FAQs for your state. In my state, you have 10-16 weeks of benefits and then around week 8 you have to show you’re applying for jobs that are way below your prior qualifications. So you may want the other shifts for some/any income but be ready to job search like crazy depending on your state. Also, reminder, most UI is 1099 so save some for 2025 taxes.

    3. Can you do the math and then tell the retail job you’re available for X hours a week (X being the number that keeps you below the threshold for unemployment)? Or consider whether being employed full-time would be more beneficial for your resume, benefits, the stable income etc.

      1. I didn’t explain it well but the store doesn’t have any full time availability for me. Just when people call out or big events like Black Friday.

        I previously told them I could only pick up shifts on nights and weekends, but I will tell them I can pick up shifts whenever now.

        Before I picked up shifts super rarely – maybe ~6 hours a month. I’m hoping to pick up 6-8 hours a week now.

        1. My state just subtracts your earnings from the amount — if I’m eligible for 500 dollars and I earn 100 dollars at a part-time job, then they pay me 400 dollars in unemployment

          1. Also, I think they had me file/check-in weekly and I just self-reported the amount. Hope this helps.

    4. When I was on unemployment (15+ years ago now) any money earned came out of your unemployment benefits, so I’d check on that.

    5. did you receive enough money from the store to file taxes for it last year? you probably will not be eligible for unemployment. that happened to me when i was laid off even though the job i was laid off from paid $360k and the side hustle brought in $2500.

  8. Lawyers, where do you save client emails? All emails or just some? I am 15 years out, moved to a small firm that does not have a document management system, and it seems my choices are either a) folder in Outlook or b) assistant manually PDFs and saves in client file. I came from a firm that saved everything in client files (even if the message just said “thanks!”). Seems like people at my firm just don’t do that.

    1. Oh wow this is really bad, yes you have to save all communications with your client for however many years your ethics rules require. I’m at a big firm with a document management system so I can speak to what smaller firms do, but neither of your options seem workable. You need to be able to click a button and the email saves to the client’s electronic file.

      1. The firm GC (who is PT GC, FT practicing lawyer) told me that the firm does not delete info from Outlook. So it is OK to leave them in my inbox. And I practice “inbox ~30” (not zero! I wish!), so I know I could folder them, but it is just so … off to me?

      2. Can you point to a state that explicitly requires that a lawyer retain client files, particularly for a period of years? I am not aware of any.

    2. Oh, and we can’t drag and drop, otherwise emails with the same subject line will not save in the file. Duplicative.

      Seriously not trying to vent honestly any suggestions appreciated!

    3. At my previous small firm, the legal assistants/paralegals would save all of the emails on our server. Different partners set different guidelines for which emails to save. (Some people wanted everything, some just wanted emails they had sent, and some required all substantive emails.)

      At my previous small firm (which was very old-fashioned), we just saved whatever was considered formal correspondence. So, we would send the client updates on their case in the form of a formal letter and save that. Same with substantive emails (which tbh were few and far between).

    4. If I were in your position I think I would change my practice to saving substantive emails in the client file so any important legal advice was saved in the file, and then coming up with a email subject line system such that I am able to find all my emails with a particular client via the Outlook search bar. (E.g., put the client name in the subject line for every email, then if you search “Harris” in your outlook, all your emails with them will come up.) I guess this might depend on the type of law you practice, but it would work for me.
      Even though I am at a firm where we save everything in the DMS, I often just look for old emails in my “deleted” folder using the search function because it’s faster. If it’s correct that they are saved on the network whether filed or not, I’d rely on that and the search function. Maybe you could add in a version of Outlook folders too, but if they’re saved elsewhere, to what end?

    5. At a small firm, I ruthlessly saved to archive folders and just pdf’d critical communications other lawyers needed to see. I usually foldered everything once a month, once all my time was entered

    6. At my small firm we have shared Outlook folders, one for each matter. All case-related emails are moved to those folders once you’re done with the email. We also have a system of shared folders on our server, one for each matter, with subfolders for pleadings, discovery, correspondence, etc. Whenever we open a new matter, our admin creates the same set of standard folders for it. We have a consistent file naming system used for these folders and for the saved documents across all matters. I’ll create additional folders and subfolders if needed for a specific case, such as Legislative History, for example.

    7. Solo practitioner. I send all emails to client folders and archive when the case is over. If there is an important email, I will save it as a PDF in the dropbox file for that case.

  9. Has anyone done any laser or other treatment that has actually worked for jowl or loose skin in your lower face by your mouth? They are sort of genetic on one side of my family. Otherwise, my skin is oily and not looking old really. It’s just noticeably saggy. I know if I could take a month off of my life, I could get a lower face lift, but I am a working mom of 2 teens who don’t drive, so any vanity surgery will be about a decade off. What else is there that is worth throwing some $ at?

    1. Right there with you and following with interest. I did a laser treatment on my neck and it didn’t really work. My botox guy, who is a plastic surgeon, said a facelift is the only thing that will give me results I’d be happy with. I haven’t sought out second or third opinions. I’m only 40! That feels too young for a face lift!

    2. I did Sofwave in 2021 for jowling and overall skin aging. I think it helped for a while but I just had a lower face lift last month so I guess it didn’t last forever. My calculation was that the Sofwave was something like $2K and even though the face lift was much more, I think it’s the last thing I will need to do, so no further time/expense was a calculation for me. I also had really bad skin laxity in my neck and I wasn’t to interested in directing a laser to that part of my body given the blood vessels to the brain etc! It sounds like I am about a decade older than you though.

      1. Thanks for the feedback. I had kids late, so I’m in my mid-50s. The jowls became noticeable to me so much once we stopped masking at work. Mask on, I could be any age. Mask off, I am clearly aging in my lower face in a way that is uneven when compared to my upper face and how I see my self. Most of my kids’ parents are a decade younger than me, so I guess I use the wrong yardstick, but I don’t love it (and agree that it would likely be the last thing I do, not the beginning of a slippery slope).

        1. I’m about a decade younger than you and have done Sofwave with microneedling and liked the results. However, my derm and my plastic surgeon have both said not to expect more than a few cms difference in loose skin. If you need to pinch/pull back more than an inch of loose skin your only real option to see a difference is plastic surgery.
          Given that, I’m basically going to be skipping the $2k/yr of lasers and saving that money for a lower face lift around 50 once my youngest is in college.

    3. How often do you do intense cardio or HIIT? I noticed that for a lot of women, it reshapes the face.

        1. In a really good way: it firms up the jawline.

          When I was in my early 30s (and I looked young for my age), and started running half marathons, one of my guy friends commented on how great my cheeks and jaw looked. It was random, but since then, I’ve noticed it with women athletes of all ages and body types.

          2. It’s not just that. Even women who are on the heavier side have sculpted cheeks and jaws.

            Exercise changes your body down to a cellular level.

    4. man I feel like whatever Parker Posey did between filming White Lotus and all of the interviews she’s doing now is the answer – as someone said it looks like her face is sliding off in every scene but then you see her during an interview and her skin is tight and youthful.

      1. I think her face looks great in the show, who is saying it’s sliding off???

  10. Does anyone here suffer from severe anxiety? Meds aside, what behavioral/lifestyle changes have been helpful for you – for example, has regular exercise made a difference? Asking for my 11-year-old (who is already medicated).

    1. Exercise makes the biggest difference for me. If I stop for a bit while I’m ill or otherwise wanting a break, I start notice my anxiety ramping up again after 5-7 days of no exercise. And I’m talking hard exercise; yoga does not cut it. I have to get the tension OUT of my body.

      1. +1 Exercise is really the best lifestyle thing for me. (On top of meds, those are absolutely necessary.)

      2. +1000. Hard walk outside, one hour or more. Treadmill does not cut it. Literally need to walk it off. The days I can’t squeeze it in, I really notice. Helps a lot with sleep, too, which helps a lot with anxiety.

    2. I know this isn’t what you asked, but the answer may just be more meds.

      My well-meaning husband once asked my psychiatrist if eating more vegetables and exercising more could help my depression. My — see a specialist psychiatrist every other week for two years to try to find a medication c*cktail — depression. The doctor laughed. “That is sooo not where we are.”

      There are times when a situation is mild and home remedies like exercise and diet can help. But your daughter may have a medical condition that needs medical treatment. Telling her to just eat her veggies discounts what she’s experiencing. I absolutely needed an antidepressant by late elementary school, but we didn’t know that back then. Eating my veggies would have been as useful as taking Vitamin A for the measles.

      Try a healthy diet and exercise, but please don’t discount that she might really need more meds.

      1. I can kind of see if the depression were a misdiagnosed symptom of malnutrition from undiagnosed Crohn’s or Celiac or autoimmune atrophic gastritis… but vegetables wouldn’t help with those issues either.

      2. Iron deficiency. didn’t help the depression – but that was an additional issue, not the depression/anxiety itself.

    3. Regular exercise and a routine have helped a lot. No caffeine, which I imagine she doesn’t have. Some amount of exposure therapy – trying things out in a safer environment to see it’s not as bad as I figured. I think if not the fear of the thing becomes worse than the thing itself.

      Therapy has made the biggest difference. CBT has really helped re frame a lot of things and given me helpful tools.

    4. For me it wasn’t really anxiety, it was sympathetic excess and unstable blood sugar from an underlying condition that was causing dysautonomia.

        1. That’s what they originally told me, but the advice (for me!) changed to eating lower carbohydrate meals and never snacking (apparently my insulin resistance was actually getting worse with the snacks). And this seems to be preventing hypoglycemia better anyway. It felt exactly like a panic attack to me though, so only blood sugar testing revealed the issue.

      2. Sounds like neuropathy from early diabetes. Metformin can also help.

        Dysautonomia is a type of neuropathy, and very common complication of elevated blood sugar/pre-diabetes/diabetes.

        Good thing to think about.

    5. Sleep! If I get too little sleep for more than a few days it absolutely increases anxiety. A good baseline of sleep allows me to be more resilient

    6. Seconding getting enough sleep. Additionally, if you can sleep when you’re body actually wants to sleep it’s amazing. If I’m getting my 8 hours from midnight to 8am I actually have a much harder time of it because I’m a morning person, 9:30 to 6am leaves me feeling my best. I’m sure that a night owl would feel the opposite, but it would be harder to pull off, given society’s bias towards morning people.
      Getting a dog did wonders as well – made me keep a rough schedule, go outside regularly, and the really key part is because when I was really feeling down I cared more about the dog than myself so I’d do the things that would help me (like eating and going outside regularly) even when I didn’t want to because the dog needed it and didn’t deserve to have subpar care because I was having a bad day. And of course the unconditional love and complete devotion.

    7. Regular, hard exercise. Intense yoga classes. Treating ADHD – for me, anxiety and depression were a result of my ADHD. Sufficient sleep.

    8. I have struggled with anxiety, ranging in severity, my entire life. First, make sure that there is not some other condition at play. It turns out that my lifelong anxiety was partially due to undiagnosed ADHD (the other part being childhood trauma and genetics). For much of my life, my anxiety masked the outward symptoms of ADHD. Exercise helps me because it actually helps the ADHD, and thus the anxiety that comes from ADHD. Second, therapy and meds. Anxiety is so treatable with a competent therapist and meds, and so many of the obvious go-tos for anxiety actually backfire and make anxiety worse. I highly recommend the book, “Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents,” as a guide on anxiety in general and how to help a child through anxiety.

    10. Yes, regular exercise made a difference. Specifically running and biking – anything that really gets the heart rate up. I also ended up having hormonal issues and treating that really helped.

    11. Hard exercise regularly. If more than a few days pass by where I can’t squeeze in exercise that gets my heart rate up – running or intense Peloton bike class – then I start to feel my anxiety start to ramp up. Weights/pilates are great for general health, but they don’t do the trick for helping my anxiety- it must be an intense exercise that increases my heart rate.
      Also, regular/good sleep.
      With nonnegotiable sleep and exercise, I have managed to keep my anxiety mostly at bay without meds. CBT also helped but not as dramatically.

    12. From a former anxious kid, just want to say you’re a good mom for getting her treatment/meds and continuing to look for ways to support.

      1. Hit post too soon. Two things to add – hiking (getting my heartrate up outdoors) and growing things (gardening or houseplants) have been helpful in addressing my anxiety.

    13. Exercise, socializing in person, and not having access to screens are the most effective tools for me (as I write this sitting on a couch solo and immobile).

    14. Having a dog! Gets me outside multiple times a day, even if just for short walks sometimes. I never listen to anything on our walks (I try to ensure he is not dining on street finds) so I also find I am really present on the walks. Petting him at night when falling asleep is also very calming – I think for both of us. And finally the joy he brings is helpful to bring me back to today and focus on what I can control vs worrying about all the what-if’s.

    15. I have three children who have anxiety.

      For my children the anxiety is a symptom of their ADHD and autism. It also seems a lot more common in children (peers of my children) who are gifted. Hitting puberty knocked my daughter’s anxiety into overdrive. It has been fun!

      Sleep, diet, exercise and appropriate academic stimulation is a good place to start. These things all help the body regulate hormones and helps a lot with neurodivergence. The ADD meds really help. My daughter is now on Jornay for her ADD and it’s been extremely effective at knocking her anxiety off. It’s not available as a generic prescription but they have a good voucher which makes it affordable.

      If it’s autism, it’s a lot harder to manage with meds but abilify has helped my son tremendously with both his depression and anxiety.

  11. Has anyone here been to Ibiza but not for the party scene? Looking at going next summer with elementary age kids. We had a great family trip to Mallorca a few years ago, so looking for a similar vibe and I’ve heard Ibiza is surprisingly family friendly despite its party reputation. On the other hand, we didn’t really like Mykonos when we visited (pre-kids, but still not into the club scene) so if Ibiza is similar that would give me pause.

    1. Why not just go back to Mallorca if you loved it? I don’t necessarily think that Ibiza is SO different than Mallorca that it warrants a separate trip with kids if you already know you love Mallorca.

      That being said, you could also consider Corsica as an alternative if you do not want to repeat Mallorca.

      1. We generally don’t like to repeat destinations, and we spent 10 days on Mallorca with a rental car so we feel like we’ve seen it pretty well. We did think about Corsica but husband and kids are prone to carsickness and I saw several comments online about twisty roads that suggested they might have problems there. They had a lot of issues on the Amalfi Coast.

        1. There are windy roads in Corsica, but we don’t have issues with carsickness, so I can’t really weigh in on that part.

          What about the south of France? Costa Brava? Algarve? Crete? Menorca? Sicily? Malta (as a later poster mentioned, though I have not been there)? I just think that there are lots of better places to go with kids than Ibiza. YMMV.

          1. We’ve been to all the places you listed except Corsica and Malta and I would prefer to delay Malta until pregnancy is biologically impossible for me, due to their strict abortion laws.

        2. But, like, you want the same exact experience so why does it matter if it’s technically a different destination? If you liked each trip to be massively different, it would make sense to not repeat destinations, but that’s not your scenario.

          1. I am the original Anon who suggested repeating Mallorca, and this was basically my point too.

    5. Yes! I really enjoyed Ibiza and am not a fan of Mykonos. In fairness to Mykonos, we went directly after visiting Santorini, which is one of my favorite places on earth, so it was never going to compare. And we did a better job in Ibiza of finding a hotel that was in a quiet area but walking distance to many restaurants. Our hotel in Mykonos was beautiful but super isolated and we got really bored there. So my complaints about Mykonos were not really about the clubs.

      I think you want to be in the Santa Eularia area, which is where we stayed. It’s quiet and peaceful but has lots of good restaurants. I disagree on Ibiza not being family friendly; like Mallorca, it’s under the radar of Americans but is a popular destination for British and German families with toddlers and young kids. I know there are several resorts with kids clubs, although I think they’re mostly on Bossa Beach which is more of a party area.

      1. Ibiza and Mallorca are in no way under the radar for Americans. Agree that there are tons of German and British tourists, but there also tons of Americans. Maybe 15-20 years ago they were under the radar, but not now. United even has direct flights from Newark to Mallorca in summer!

  12. Talk to me about book clubs. I’m in a book club with a bunch of friends. There has been a lot of drama but we’re still sort of limping along. I thought that once we got past the drama, things would be fine.

    But I actually don’t like most of the books we’ve read. I wanted to join a book club specifically to read things I wouldn’t otherwise read but some of the picks have been… not my taste at all. I’m also a little miffed that it’s been 2 years and they’ve never accepted one of my recommendations. There are only 5-8 people at each session. They just adopted a rule that the host picks the book… right after my turn to host, so it’ll be a year or more before I can pick a book (we meet every other month). I really disliked the last book and I have negative interest in reading the next book, plus they scheduled at a time that I could technically make it but it’ll be really inconvenient for me because of preexisting plans that day.

    I want to maintain these friendships; everyone has babies/littles so it’s tough to find time. But man I really want to take a step back from this thing. It’s been a bigger emotional lift than I expected. And it’s giving me negative feelings about people I otherwise like and enjoy. Permission to take a few months off? Or should I keep at it because this is just a tough season of life?

    1. You have permission from this internet stranger! Good night, I can’t believe you’ve lasted TWO years with this nonsense!

    2. This book club is not working for you, and it’s negatively affecting your enjoyment of both the activity of reading and your friends. The setup doesn’t sound good to me, either. Permission to bail or take a break.

      1. BTW, I did something similar with a friendly, nonserious run club I was involved in. The times never worked great for me, but I was willing to do it for the fellowship. Then, over time, the slower runners like me fell away. Pretty soon, I was running by myself all the time because I couldn’t keep up without being really, really miserable. What’s fast for me was just a jog for the other group members. While the coffee afterwards was fun, it did not feel good to be running solo when I’d gotten out of bed at 6 a.m. on a Saturday to run with a group. So I’m not doing it anymore.

    3. I think you can take a few months off. I’ve been in a book club for 10 years now and have definitely missed a few, either from actual conflicts or just not interested in the book. That being said, our group often has people who rarely read the book and come from the social aspect. That was me last month – I was just not interested enough in Ina’s memoir to go out and buy it (since the library hold was long), but I had missed the last 2 months for different reasons and just wanted to go for the social aspect (and someone else providing dinner and wine, ha).

      So maybe shift your expectations for what you get out of this group? Especially if you want to maintain the friendship.

      1. Years ago I was in a book club just for the people. I never read the book, and joked that it was my wine club. If I were you, I’d join a book club I was actually interested in, and show up to a few of this book club’s meetings occasionally just for the people.

    4. Take a few months off. This is NOT worth it in any way. You can maintain these friendships in other ways, including park playdates, backyard picnics, etc.

    7. Just ask ChatGPT to summarize the book for you and go for the wine and conversation. I’ve been in a zillion book clubs over the years and book talk has never been the actual point. As an adult, I read what I want to read and realize when there’s a test and when there isn’t.

      1. ChatGPT is so bad, you’re bound to say something that sounds idiotic to anyone who’s read the book. Just admit you haven’t read the book and are just there for the wine & convo. As you say, the book isn’t the point. But using AI to pretend you’ve read it is weird.

        1. +1. ChatGPT for this? To what end? You can go and say, “I didn’t read the book; I’m just here to hang out.” Or you can not go. This is an adult choice, not a paper that will be graded.

          1. The “end” is not to sound like you read it but to get 5e idea so you can follow along for the few minutes of book talk.

          2. Just read a plot synopsis of the book. AI is terrible for the environment (10 times the energy of a regular search) and in this case isn’t doing anything that Wikipedia can’t do.

      2. Read the Wikipedia article’s plot summary. ChatGPT isn’t gaining you anything here.

          1. Chat GPT is literally just pulling things from Amazon and Goodreads reviews and book bloggers. Unless this book is very obscure, you can spend five minutes googling and find an equally good summary written by a human in much more coherent English. And yes I have the paid version through work.

          2. Huh? I literally go out of my way to avoid interactions with AI-generated drivel. It’s worse than useless; more often than not it is actively harmful.

    8. Book club is never about the book. In fact, many “book clubs” that have lasted 5+ years are no longer actually picking any books, and if there still is a notionally book, only a quarter of people actually read it. Not for everyone, but my current book club has a second life with picking terrible romance novels and making fun of them at brunch. Much more fun that actual literature.

      1. That sounds like my book club, which has been around for 25+ years (I’ve been going for nearly 20).

        I really enjoy getting together regularly with these women, and we get together outside of the book club, too. They do have a tendency to pick “worthy” books, which I usually give a try, but rarely finish. I still attend even if I didn’t read the book, because I sometimes like to hear why people might have enjoyed it. And no one cares if you finished the book or not.

        But I’ve definitely skipped a meeting here and there when I just didn’t feel like going. If you feel that way more often than not, it might be time to quit.

      2. +1. What if you just don’t read the books you’re not interested in, but show up and chat with your friends. I don’t know anyone who has read every book club book.

    9. The rule at or book club is that people are allowed to be haters and if you want to say all the ways the book sucked, it will not affect our relationships. If that was not in place I could not do this book club because everyone has such different tastes. In your place, I’d skip a meeting or two, see if you miss the meetings or not and decide from there.

      1. Oh yes, haters are allowed at our club too! Someone picked Fourth Wing last year. While I love the series, I automatically thought “Oh, X,Y,and Z won’t like this!” and some read it and liked. A bunch did not finish. It made for a fun discussion!

      2. I agree. At our book club we always have a nice mix of likers and haters and it makes it more interesting. Plus our rule is “you are not required to have read the book.”

    11. I love to read. I read at least 50 books a year. I want to love book clubs, but I just don’t. I like book recommendations, but as soon as someone tells me I “must” read a book, I absolutely lose all interest.

    12. I’m an avid reader and I hate book clubs. You could call them sewing circles or whatever but in my experience no one reads the book and I never want to read the books chosen. I say if you want to maintain the friendships, which is valid, just do that and give yourself permission to not read books you don’t love.

  13. If readers recall, I posted a few weeks ago about the logistics of recovering from wrist surgery and going back to office work. I friend recently suggested I see a doctor who specializes in Osteopathic Manipulative Treatment as a part of my treatment. Has anyone done this type of treatment? I’m curious if it has helped others after an injury. Thanks!

    1. Based on my experiences with tendonitis and carpal tunnel, and my husband’s experience with injury, when my mom’s whole team was recommending surgery, I suggested she try manual therapy and she ended up not needing surgery at all, so she’s pleased.

      1. Thanks, I had emergency surgery already. I am hoping this type of therapy will help with my stiffness and recovery! Currently also seeing an occupational therapist 2 times a week and doing daily exercises.

        1. An injury needing emergency surgery sounds different! I don’t know anything about manual therapy as part of recovery, but it felt like trying it at all was something we had to seek out to find someone who offers it.

    2. I do not know about therapy, per se, but one of my kids has seen a chiropractor who is trained in osteopathic techniques that produced shockingly good results. It’s not effective for everything, I am sure, but it’s not all hooey, either. He fixed her ankle, for example, when it would not heal after a sprain.

    3. why wouldn’t you contact your surgeon and ask about doing the appropriate PT or OT?

      1. I am in OT currently, this treatment would be in addition to that! Will bring up with my surgeon at our next appointment.

  14. Apartment friendly walking pad recommendations?
    I have downstairs neighbors and would like to not be the awful upstairs stomping neighbor they hate. From what I can tell, the key is to truly walk (not even jog), have study walking pad, and add a mat under it to absorb as much noise/vibration as possible.

    if you have recs for the under mat or any other recs for this, I appreciate it!

  15. random review: I just placed my first order with Surrender to Chance, one of those online stores that supposedly decants real perfume into smaller sizes. I spent about $25 each for 3ml of 2 perfumes i knew i loved, and then another $75 on trial vial size scents. I’m pretty sure they’re all fake, the ones I’ve tried have zero staying power. Like the scent is gone 2 hours later. I’m bummed.

    1. Oh no, that sucks!
      I think it’s a decade since I last ordered decants, but IIRC my favorite place was The Perfumed Court. I got great samples and found a signature scent.

      1. Another vote for The Perfumed Court! I’ve gotten dozens of samples from them over the past decade, never had a bad experience.

    2. I use little perfume, so this may not work for you, but I buy small samples on e b a y (like little roller balls or like 3 of the tiny samples) and try them that way – I have never had issues with counterfeits.

    3. I’ve been happy for a number of years with decanta from perfumeniche. I think I originally got the recommendation from a post on Passage des Perles.

  16. My book club morphed into going to loud restaurants with bars where the last thing you could do was discuss a book. Also the married and partnered women gradually dropped out. So it was a bunch of old divorced women who wanted to sit in a bar. It happened so gradually that I really didn’t notice. I just started to dread going but pushed myself to do something social since I am an introvert. Finally I realized it wasn’t introversion that made me dread it, it was the company. Now I am in a book club at a library with people who are interested in books. The librarian chooses the books and moderates. So much better. Don’t force yourself to go somewhere you dread!!

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