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Updated: Aug 28, 2019 277 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Montgomery Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Nontraditional blazers? Yes, please. This knit, collarless, buttonless blazer looks like business casual perfection to me. I love this army green color and don’t have anything quite like it in my current wardrobe, but it also comes in black, ivory, violet, and navy. I think this shape tends to look best with slim-fitting pants, but you could also pair it with a sheath or a pencil skirt. It’s available at Of Mercer for $165 in sizes XS–XL. Montgomery Blazer This plus-size option is available in sizes 14W–24W and is on sale for $83. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. Looking for more great posts from Corporette? Check out some of our top right now:

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. ugly produce

    Does anyone use misfits market, imperfect produce, or any other ugly produce delivery services? How do you like it? Is it a good variety of produce or too much of the same thing? Good value for the price? I’ve been considering it, but am concerned I will get a lot of produce I don’t like and that it will not be worthwhile from a price standpoint.

    • Katie

      I use Hungry Harvest and absolutely love it and will gush to anyone who will listen! With their service, when you create your customer profile, you can include “always” and “never” items – for example, if there are berries available that week and they’re on your “always” list, you will definitely get berries. I loathe kale, so that’s on my “never” list, and if I’m supposed to receive kale that week, they’ll swap it out for something else. You can also customize your orders if you want to get even more specific, but with the exception of allergies or serious aversions, I’m usually happy to get whatever it is they want to give me. There are no contracts, so you’re not locked into a commitment if you don’t like it.

      The variety is great and the value is truly outstanding. I couldn’t purchase anywhere near that amount of produce at the supermarket for the same price. I love that it forces me to eat healthier and I’ve learned how to cook a lot of new things. Most of the fruits and veggies aren’t ugly, they’re typically just weird sizes or something a farmer grew too much of. Sometimes I do get very odd shaped veggies, and I find it amusing! Nature is so wild! If they are in your area and you’d like to try, I’d be happy to post my referral code (which gets both you and I a discount).

      • Anonymous

        We’ve been using Imperfect Produce for a few weeks now and I really like it. The produce quality has been really good – better than in some of the grocery stores. Sizing is sometimes interesting. ‘Small’ to them might not be ‘small’ to you. Same with blemished. I haven’t really noticed any bruising or odd spots. We once received a single beet that was larger than a softball. Yesterday we got an asparagus bunch that is huge. They do pre-select items for the box, but I’ve deleted some items and added others with no issues. They sell other items also, like jams/jellies, nuts, kombucha, crackers, snacks. Prices on those items are not always cheaper than the grocery store. There is a delivery charge, but I feel it’s worth it to keep perfectly good produce out of the landfills.

        They text me when the box is close, and then when it’s delivered. The boxes they use are sturdy. I inquired if they would take them back to reuse, but they don’t. They are compostable, but I’m going to use them for storage as they have great flaps for closure.

    • AFT

      Imperfect Produce in my area was similarly priced to grocery store, and usually smaller that retail options. I tried it twice, hoping they had worked out some of the issues when they first started servicing my area, but ended up cancelling a second time.
      Friends in the area liked it as it saved a mid-week grocery trip, but that wasn’t worth it to me.

      • ugly produce

        Thanks for the link. It’s something to consider, and I also meant to ask about the environmental impact of the programs. Misfits Markets at least claims that all of its packaging is biodegradable. But I remember using meal delivery services in the past and being really disappointed about the amount of packaging

      • anonshmanon

        Very interesting article. I’ve been getting the imperfect produce box for almost two years. I’d say we come out even on the money side, since the produce is marginally cheaper, and the delivery fee eats up the difference. So it’s a convenient service more than a money saver. You can completely customize the content within the limits of what’s available. You definitely get a stronger focus on what’s in season (no strawberries in winter, lots of zucchini right now, looking forward to the pumpkin time). I don’t think more than 30% is actually imperfect, the rest is overproduction.
        Although the drivers are supposedly paid decently, I wonder about the delivery aspect and how environmentally friendly it really is. In 70% of weeks it does probably save me a shopping trip, or a trip to the CSA pickup center. Then there are the endless cardboard boxes that go to waste (although I didn’t need to get any boxes for my last move). I might still switch to a CSA share, and the article has pushed me pretty far towards that decision.

    • anon

      I use Imperfect Produce. I have mixed feelings.
      Pros:
      we do every other week
      you can customize your box, price changes based on what you put in it.
      quality of the produce has been similar to my local store
      less use of plastic than my local store

      Cons:
      More expensive than my local grocery store
      Knowing what meals I’m making before the customization window closes
      Not knowing how big the produce is. One time the broccoli crown was huge and we could have used it for multiple meals. The next time, it was really small. But this is a similar problem to ordering grocery delivery.

  2. DMV area volunteering

    DC area readers, what types of community involvement are you part of? I used to be on a volunteer organization’s leadership team but position was termed, and am missing being part of a community group and giving back on a more regular basis, not just one-off. I’ve signed up to volunteer at soup kitchens this month and am looking forward to that. Would love recommendations on organizations you’ve enjoyed being part of in the area!

    • Anonymous

      The Junior League of Washington is about 50% lawyers. When I lived there, there was a “done in a day” committee assignment that provided volunteers for day-of projects (like helping with a fundraiser, helping with a 5K, etc.). It was a good way to explore aiding other volunteer efforts and all you had to do was show up (generally nights/weekend days). You took 2-3 shifts for each half-year maybe.

      My best experience was ushering for the Folger Shakespeare Library’s plays, again, through the JLW.

      • Anon

        I’m also in JLW. I haven’t found many social benefits (which is one of the benefits often mentioned on this site), probably because I was older than the average new member and am not very outgoing with new people. But I have loved my placements, which provide a method by which I can tutor or read to disadvantaged kids (extremely low income, homeless) on a weekly basis.

    • Anon

      What are you interested in? I try to always have a pro bono case on my plate (for attorneys, if you pick one topic and stick with it, e.g., all immigration, all Social Security appeals, the cases become formulaic and you can do them pretty quickly) and I handle the gardens at church (we’re a small church and many of the members are older, so the grounds are something that it really takes someone younger to do).

    • Carrots

      I’m involved with the local community theater in different capacities for each show (either on or off) – if that’s something you’re interested in, community theaters can always use a helping hand somewhere. I’m also involved with a young professionals group for the area. Both of them are pretty social and make up a good portion of my social time and are where I found my friends when I moved here.

    • Anon

      If you’re looking for a specific soup kitchen, I used to volunteer one morning a week at Charlie’s Place at St. Margaret’s in Dupont Circle. Of all of the places I volunteered, it was my favorite for myriad reasons

    • Anon

      When I lived in D.C. I volunteered with Community Tax Aid to do taxes at a VITA site every year and I LOVED it. Granted, I also love doing taxes.

    • Anonymous

      I love volunteering with Food For All DC on Saturday mornings at 9 am. They provide bags of food to homebound DC residents who are referred to the program by social workers. There’s absolutely no commitment ahead of time (one morning my car wouldn’t start, so I just didn’t go), and you can either just help pack bags (done by 9:20) or also deliver the bags, if you have a car (done by 10 or 10:30). It’s best done with a friend (one person to navigate, one to drive; and one person to deliver the bag and one to stay with the car, if you can’t find a good parking spot), and we would usually get brunch after.

    • Anonymous

      I really like it too. I’ve never ordered froM Of Mercer before – can anyone comment on sizing?

      • Anonymous

        I have two dresses I ordered in my usual size 6 and both are big, if ordering again I’d get a 4. I am 5’5”, 125-130lbs, 32D, broad shoulders, very narrow hips and carry weight where I previously carried babies.

  4. Anon

    I’ve become interesting in interior design and restoration of older homes. What are the best magazines I should check out from the library? I live in the West, but am interested in many styles – Craftsman, Victorian, pre-Revolutionary, etc. Any ideas for magazines or maybe a coffee table book?

      • Anon

        I LOVE to watch This Old House on weekend mornings. It’s a nice slow, easy way to wake up with coffee :). It’s been a little personal “tradition” for 10ish years now. That along with knitting adds a solid 30 years to my 37.

    • Anon

      For books, anything by Jane Powell is going to be Craftsman eye candy. All of her books have Bungalow in the title. Check out Bungalow Interiors.

      I leaned heavily on her Bungalow Bathrooms and Bungalow Kitchens books when I was redoing those rooms in my house.

    • Anon

      Depending on how interested you are, there’s Old House Journal. They are passionate about authenticity. Unfortunately, every now and then, that passion translates into a bit of a holier than thou tone in some of the articles (like, come on, not everybody can afford window mullions intricately crafted by arthritic squirrels), but the pictures are really pretty and you learn so, so much.

      I also love all the BHG special edition magazines, but I don’t think you’ll find those in a library.

    • Anon

      I used to read Period Living (a UK magazine) which always had articles on actual restoration — like how to clean and restore encaustic tile floors and how to get rid of woodworm. 100% irrelevant to my life, but I loved reading about it.

      World of Interiors will give you glimpses of houses and interiors way, way more exotic than the usual shelter magazines. It’s hands down my favorite genre read.

  5. Leatty

    Anyone have this blazer? I like the way it looks but not sure on sizing and quality.

    • Lilac

      As a sewist the construction and fabric content look poor. That’s just the opinion of a hobbyist though and not first hand experience.

      • Mpls

        What are you basing the assessment of the construction on then? You can’t even see any of the (interior) construction.

        • Lilac

          I’m going primarily on what I can see in the image. The garment is patterned using minimal pieces without extra seams or darts to improve fit, this is an inexpensive way to design garments to keep labour production costs low. This is speculation but since it’s unlined I would guess the piece is just surged on the inside since Hong Kong and french seams are expensive if they used either of those they would be sure to highlight it.

          • Lilac

            I must have missed the lining I will admit to not reading the blurbs and skipping straight to the details. I find it odd that lining hasn’t been specified in the fabric content bit.

      • Anonymous

        Is “sewist” a newish term? All of the women in my family who are of older generations than me are serious sewers and I’ve never heard this term except on this blog.

        • Lilac

          It is a new term. It’s mostly less gendered which is why I prefer it. I’d call it’s use a reflection of my own hang ups.

          • Rainbow Hair

            Ha I thought people were using it because “sewer” is spelled like “sewer” and that can be… perhaps not the image you’re trying to convey. Ha.

        • Original Moonstone

          I like it because I always read “sewer” (one who sews) as “sewer” (urban infrastructure). To be honest, though, we use “seamstress” in my family.

    • Anonymous

      I have an OM wool dress that is ~5 years old and it is lined and seems to be the highest quality piece I’ve bought in a long time. It has bra snaps. Don’t have a jacket from them, just the dress.

      • Anonymous

        Sorry to threadjack. Regarding the bra snaps. I’ve had clothes with these – mostly casual sleeveless tops. BUT, I’ve never found a bra with the snaps to complete the concept. Where do I buy that?! Thanks!

        • Inspired by Hermione

          Don’t they just loop around the bra strap and snap? That’s how every one I’ve had works…

        • Anonymous

          Huh? My experience has been the snap in the jacket/dress/top has a little loop of fabric sewn into it, so you unsnap, wrap the little string around your bra strap, and re-snap back into the top. No special bra required.

    • Anon

      I have not tried this blazer but did order one of the reversible jardigans from them, and it was terrible quality. The edges of the fabric were unfinished, and the fabric was very thin and cheap-feeling. The fit was also a little wonky (which has just generally been my experience with their clothes). I had to size up to accommodate my upper arms (never had to do that before) which then made the waist hit wonky. I have ordered a few other items from them that were good quality– their stuff is highly item-dependent.

  6. Anonymous

    I’m an associate in a specialized area, firm has 150 lawyers. The Big Rainmaker at our firm just landed the defense of a publicly traded company he has been courting for years. Rainmaker doesn’t practice in this area. This type of claim is often covered by a pretty standard insurance policy, and normally coverage is the first issue I discuss with potential clients. I plan to ask Rainmaker if he told them about it, but I’m guessing he didn’t. My firm bills at about 2-3x the amount an insurance company will pay for legal fees, so if it is covered by insurance, my firm will no longer represent the business in this case. I’m not sure if I have an ethical duty to advise the client of potential insurance, it’s just something I do all the time. How can I do this without pissing Rainmaker off (who probably doesn’t know my name)?

      • Anon

        +1 Raise it to the partners in your area. They probably already know and may or may not reveal that to you. I would definitely approach them as if they already know. Ex: I heard that Rainmaker landed Big Client. Are you concerned about Big Client’s insurance coverage? / Do you know whether Big Client has insurance coverage for Covered Event?

    • cbackson

      Unless this is a super uncommon type of claim (and it sounds like it isn’t), I would assume that a well-established publicly traded company is aware of its insurance coverage and how it would apply to these cases, and that (and the rates) were almost certainly part of the discussion with the rainmaker partner. A large corporation – especially a public one – is typically going to be very up on its insurance coverage and how it works in the litigation context.

    • Anon

      If Rainmaker doesn’t even know your name, it’s really over stepping to approach Rainmaker and basically question his ethics/competence. You have no grounds to independently reach out to the client. Further, why do you assume that the insurance issue hasn’t been discussed with the client, as you said it was a “fairly standard” policy. I’d, frankly, be surprised if that topic hadn’t come up more than once during a long pursuit process.

      • Anon

        +1

        I definitely wouldn’t reach out to the client at all, and I probably wouldn’t mention it or question it internally either. I’m sure Rainmaker and other partners are competent enough to understand this. I’m an in house commercial transaction attorney, and even I know this. Publicly traded companies have competent in house counsel who will be very focused on insurance issues.

    • Anon

      Are you staffed on this matter? If not, it isn’t your issue and I would let it go. I would be shocked if a publicly traded company didn’t know what their insurance covered.

      If you don’t feel you can just let it go, maybe raise it with the partners in your group, in an oh I heard about that new case involving X. I’m shocked that they don’t have insurance for that type of claim manner, and see what you learn. Maybe larger companies like to self-insure for this issue.

    • OP

      Thanks for the feedback! I am staffed on the matter; the main partner assigned is out of the office for a couple weeks so I’ll be handling it. I’ll raise it to my mentor partner in my group and leave it at that. It sounds like this is the first complaint of this type that this company has had. We find that most of our clients (even large companies) are surprised to find that this claim is covered by a common insurance policy. I wouldn’t expect Rainmaker to know about the coverage, either.

      Any feedback re: duty to advise clients about insurance, generally? Am I needlessly turning business away by advising other clients it is often covered under a policy instead of just quoting my rate?

      • Anon

        The idea of reaching out to your partner mentor is a good one. Is the main partner responding to email? If so, I might bring it up that way. But knowing that you are assigned to this matter and assuming that the other subject matter expert partner is not reachable and that you are sufficiently senior that you would be taken seriously, I would change my advice and bring it up with the rainmaker. I wouldn’t bring it up directly with the client. A good partner, who is focused on building a long term relationship, would flag to the client that this may be covered by their insurance and suggest that they check. But a bad partner, who only cares about this one matter, would not.

      • Anon

        I do commercial litigation in a small firm in a small market. We routinely tell clients to put their insurer on notice and see if there is coverage. On several occasions our clients have asked for our firm to be appointed to represent them and the insurers have done so. A lot of the insurance claims are handled by third party claim management companies anyway, so if they’ve used your firm before, you might have a good chance of being appointed. Also, in my practice the commercial insurers pay our A-rates (as opposed to auto-insurers or individual insurers).

      • Of Counsel

        If this is a large, publicly-traded company, it probably has a huge SIR which would be why it is not concerned about insurance. By all means, raise it with your mentor partner, but I would not assume that there is actually coverage or that your firm is doing anything nefarious.

        In my general experience, the bigger the company, the less likely it is to have insurance for the types of claims that smaller companies routinely insure against because (1) it can cover a judgment and (2) the cost of that insurance is exorbitant. .

      • RR

        Is it in federal or state court? If federal, you will fairly quickly have to do initial disclosures that specifically address the insurance coverage issue, giving you a reason to discuss it with the client and address your concern. I’d be shocked if both the company and the partners in your firm had completely missed clear insurance coverage, but it does happen. If it is in state court without comparable disclosures, then talk to your immediate supervisor on the case to confirm that it’s been discussed with the client.

        • Anonymous

          Thanks, RR! It’s actually not a federal or state court filing, which is why most clients are surprised it ends up being covered.

  7. Nice interiors for houses?

    Have any of you got nice furnished houses? Did you pick everything yourself? All at once or organically over time?

    I was a bit of an Army brat growing up and moved all the time. Our “nice” things were wood items made by relatives who were carpenters and woodworkers. Because we moved a lot, I am used to packing all the and not putting things on walls (to get the deposit back). Also, plain walls are OK as are simple colors.

    Fast forward to being a full-blown grownup with a real house, spouse, kids after being a working singleton for a long time. I’m in the SEUS and in a unicorn neighborhood where women all seem to be semi SAHM who dabble as decorators (and of the sort that you give five or six figures to pick out things for your mountain house, not ones who help you go to flea markets and look at paint chips). [I’d never heard of Lee Industries before, but I am a friend of Ikea for some items and going to random NC furniture markets when visiting relatives.]

    I am not trying to compete with them. But I also want to see if there is an “Idiots Guide to House Furnishing.” I know that Edith Wharton wrote a book on decorating, but my library doesn’t have it and I’m not sure about the reproductions on the river site (plus: don’t have her budget). I feel like I can figure this out if I get some basic skills and as we need to move kids from cribs to toddler beds and toddler beds to real beds, etc. Baby steps!

    Luckily all of our couches are leather, so they survive our children’s spilling years long enough for us to figure out what is next (maybe they will last forever, but I am so nervous about fabrics, but can see how they add some warmth to a room compared to leather).

    • Katie

      Honestly, I like Pinterest to get ideas, plus it’s free. If you’re not married to a particular brand or style, just poke around there and see what speaks to you. It’ll help identify some key terms and styles, and once you’ve got that, it’ll be easier to find pieces that match your aesthetic. More importantly, your house doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s, it just has to work for YOU! My apartment is perfectly nice, but it doesn’t look like my friends modern grey and white granite/subway-tile magazine spread kitchen, because our personal style is more traditional with warm tones and wood grain. Nothing wrong with either option – different strokes for different folks.

    • CHL

      I had a good experience using modsy for our family room – it was kind of an odd shape and I didn’t have a good sense of layout, etc. I didn’t buy a lot of their recommendations but it helped me understand that oh, I need a couch this size here, and a bench would look good here, and oh I should hang a picture here.

    • Anonymous

      While not in SEUS, I too live in a neighborhood with friends who are decorators (some dabble, but a handful did a lot more than mere dabble – and very high end). Because I have neither the time nor the spatial skills, I hired one of my designer friends to help with our living/dining room.
      Best decision ever. We agreed on an hourly rate for her time. She shopped for me, gave me options and I picked what I liked. We agreed on a general budget and mixed high & low items.
      As for resources to help define what you like, I very much like checking out House Beautiful magazine at my library. While the price points are high, I find the interviews with the designers very informative and educational.

    • Anon

      Try Pinterest. Start by creating boards for rooms you want to work on (living room, master, etc) and just pin pretty pictures that appeal to you. After a while, you’ll notice a pattern in what you like. Then, it’s as simple as going to Home Goods, Ikea, etc to find items that look like that. (“Hey, I like rooms with white curtains and seagrass rugs. Shopping list: white curtains and seagrass rug.”)

      It sounds like you really run with a crowd that is well-to-do and obsessed with this stuff. Lee Industries and Edith Wharton are not common topics. You don’t have to know about either of them to have a pretty house. You don’t have to spend Lee Industries or Edith Wharton levels of money to have a pretty house, either. I definitely wouldn’t start with Edith Wharton’s Decoration of Houses. That’s the kind of thing you start with in college if you were taking a History of Interior Design class – it’s a “classic,” but that doesn’t mean it’s helpful for beginners trying to figure out what to do with their suburban home. (The book is 120 years old and has a chapter on Ballrooms – you’re fine without it, really.) Emily Henderson’s Styled might be a better place to start. I’d just go poke around your library for texts. The hard thing about design is that it changes so quickly that coffee table books can age poorly, but hopefully you can find good text with some good pointers.

      A few universal tips while I’m typing:

      – Pairs of items read more formal; items grouped in 3s read more exciting to the brain
      – You want light sources in a living room at three heights: ceiling, standing (like a floor lamp), and seated (table lamp)
      – When creating vignettes, mix textures: you want to combine natural (for example, wicker or wood), shiny (mirrored glass), rough (stone), and smooth (marble)
      – As a newbie, you’ll be tempted to buy petite decor items. Don’t. Buy bigger than you think you need to avoid a cluttered feel.

      • nutella

        Agree on all these except for the last point. What this really boils down to is scale. If your room is small and you fill it with enormous furniture, it will look clunky, weighed-down, and feel tighter. Likewise, if you have a big room and all your furniture is small, it will look cluttered and not cohesive. So try to echo the scale of what you are decorating (not just rooms – this works for any surface you are decorating whether a room with furniture or a wall with art or a coffee table with books and objets d’art). Just like with art, professionals break these rules but for a starting point, these are good to remember.

        One final point – after looking at enough inspiration (whether on P!nt3rest or Insta or bl0gs like Emily Henderson or Laurel Bern or HGTV Mag or Martha Stewart, etc.) if you love something, go for it! It’s your house where you have to live so why not have things that make you happy! Spoken from the person unabashedly putting in an animal-print stair runner :) We are young and love color and pattern and unexpected things and our house reflects that.

        • Anon

          Rereading it, I see I wasn’t clear. I wasn’t talking about furniture, etc, in the last point – I was just talking about decorative items. Too small and you end up with “Grandma’s Precious Moments Collection” vibe. Yes, you’re correct on scale re: furniture, etc.

    • anon

      I’d second the Emily Henderson recommendation – her blog is great. She sources almost every home item and has multiple budget points. I also would say that you should decorate slowly – better for the budget and it helps you acquire pieces more thoughtfully and avoids that overly match-y look. Have fun!

      • SFAttorney

        I agree with the advice to not start with Edith Wharton or any “classic” decorating books. Look at blogs — – those recommended above and Colour Me Happy. Look for decorating podcasts. I like How to Decorate and Style Matters.

    • Anonymous

      Check out: Your Home; Your Style by Donna Garlough. She is an excellent writer, and I loved her “design personality” types. Her book is intended to help people move on from collecting inspiration photos to actually making a decision without the help of a designer.

    • Dismal science

      Get Lauren Liess’s book Habitat. And the saleswomen at Ballards tend to be very helpful. Bring in pictures of your house and they will happily advise away.

    • Anon

      I really like the original Apartment Therapy book (Apartment Therapy. The Eight-Step Home Cure by Maxwell Gillingham-Ryan).

      This is NOT a coffe table book, no pictures, just a pocket book or e-book. But it’s a really good guide to discover your own taste and important elements in making a home what you want it to be. The author assumes that you are dissatisfied with something, and has advice on finding your style, your budget, how to make rooms cosy, or inviting, or how to use lighting, curtains and colours in a very non-designer approach.

    • anon

      Pool, grill and drinks at a friend’s house. Did I mention the friend has the snuggliest dachshunds? :)
      Not particularly feeling the “Yay America” July 4th celebration, but I am down for a lazy day hanging out with wonderful friends.

      • NOLA

        My friend with a pool is away for the week, but her daughter is house/dog sitting, so we plan to grill and chill, float and drink.

    • Anon

      Having a BBQ at my place and then going to a slightly out of the way place to see the fireworks. I’m in DC, so my plan is to stay in my neighborhood and avoid the crazy that is trump’s current plan. (Tanks in DC? Seriously?!?!)

      • PolyD

        I’m planning to hide out in a movie theater for this same reason, although all the movie theaters seem to have been taken over by Spiderman…

    • CountC

      I’m headed to a friend’s house in the neighboring state, which also happens to be a good point for me to do dog drop off with my parents prior to traveling next week (two birds, one stone!). We will watch the fireworks in her town after we BBQ.

    • Inspired by Hermione

      Going to the local citizenship ceremony! I went last year and it was one of the best things I’ve done to celebrate a holiday.

    • Rainbow Hair

      We’re having a party on the 6th, so the 4th will hopefully be chill: husband is running a 5k, and we’ll catch one of the little local parades, then hopefully spend some time in the pool. Kiddo will (god willing!) be asleep long before fireworks.

    • Senior Attorney

      Going to a party at the hillside home of some friends, and watching all the illegal fireworks in the Los Angeles basin. ;)

    • Anonymous

      Some friends invited us to join them in a suite (yay for AC!) for a minor league baseball game. There will be fireworks after the game.

  9. Paging brits

    A question from an American regarding British law and legal customs…

    A dear friend may have done something very stupid, and used computer access after his former employer thought it was revoked. Now former employers have had a lawyer send a letter with accusations, saying there will be civil and criminal stuff coming.

    So my question: is this actually how criminal charges start? Or could this just be a powertrip move from a jerk? FWIW, former employer is the type to do that…

    • Anon

      Honestly, it depends a lot on what he did with that access. Can you vaguely share?

      • anon

        To be clear–I didn’t ask whether he did it. But accused of giving info to the owner of the company which the owner couldn’t have accessed himself. Seems petty to me, but no doubts it’s a completely unethical thing to do.

        • Anon

          If he accessed proprietary data after termination and shared it with his current employer, it seems like a legitimate crime. Whether or not he’s charged or sued probably depends on the sensitivity of the info and how it was accessed.

    • Anonymous

      For criminal, they would make a complaint to the police who would investigate and decide whether or not to lay charges. Case then goes to prosecutor for prosecution. Presumably, unless they made a complaint to the police, the crime would not be uncovered.

      For civil, they can just file a claim (start an action), similar to how it’s done in the US.

      • anon

        Thanks. In the US, my understanding is someone who loses a civil claim only loses money. Is that still pretty true?

        • Anonymous

          Yes – generally. If he loses at trial, doesn’t pay and otherwise violates court orders (e.g. fleeing jurisdiction, hiding assets), there may be some possibility of imprisonment but he’s a long way away from that.

          I wouldn’t slough off the criminal/regulatory stuff though. There have been some recent convictions in my area with respect to hospital employees making unauthorized access to patient files. Generally probation not jail time though.

          • anon

            Thanks. Definitely no medical or security info involved here, only business assets.
            If police/prosecutors/government representatives do get directly involved, it seems clear this will become a different ball of wax. But for now, it’s just come directly from the employer. I know how I would interpret that in the US, but I wasn’t sure if it reads different in the UK.

  10. LazyBoy

    Has anyone gotten a LazyBoy-type recliner? Husband had one when we got married (in his football team’s main color) but it died of a stab wound. I didn’t mourn the loss aesthetically, but it was a great sleeping chair for when you just can’t get to sleep (or need to sleep with your head elevated).

    We are moving into a new place where there is a reading-type room that will be for his stuff. I’d like to scout out a recliner for him, preferably one that looks a bit normal and is comfy when used as a chair and as a recliner.

    Any recommendations for stealth shopping? Burgundy would be the key color if that matters.

    • Pompom

      If the budget can handle it, and it suits your style, the American Leather brand recliners are so, so good. Comfortable, very attractive, well made.

    • Anon.

      La-Z-Boy .com — You can fully customize so that you get the color of your choice. My parents have furnished their entire living room there.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, we have a La-Z-Boy for our nursery recliner/rocker. At the time we bought it, it was the smallest one they had that is fully leather with a high back where you can really lean your head back and sleep if necessary (not one of those swivel glider things). It’s the best seat in our house, TBH, even if it isn’t going to turn any heads from an aesthetic perspective. I think the key is just to get one that has a smaller footprint and isn’t quite so over-stuffed.

    • Anon

      I actually like the look of leather furniture, but I have a cat who would scratch it as she does with all furniture. So, I say go for it and buy a new chair

      • Anon

        Cats are less likely to scratch leather than nubby upholstery. Their scratching impulse is triggered by a bumpy or rough texture. This is why all my living room furniture is leather.

    • Rainbow Hair

      We have two cats and a 4 year old, so our furniture reflects that, but we got a nice, small-footprint (that was important to me) recliner that works nicely as an armchair for reading to Kiddo too. Link to follow.

    • Keek

      I was looking at Pottery Barn for something unrelated yesterday and noted that they had many recliners. Does it have to be burgundy, though?

  11. Anon

    My birthday is coming up, and I have no idea what I want or what I want to do. How do you make your birthday special?

      • Anonymous

        This. Or new activity if I can’t travel. Rock climbing, surfing, skiing, bungee jumping etc.

        • anon

          This. In the past, I’ve done jet skiing, ziplining, evening hike in the mountains after work, outing to a coffee shop that’s a little further away, afternoon at a winery. We’ve done indoor skydiving for other family members’ birthdays.

      • Anon

        DH and I travel when we can but my birthday is at a really tough time for him to take a week of work so more often than not we just plan a weekend getaway on the weekend before/after and I take a vacation day on my birthday itself and do some combination of massage, pedicure, movie, or reading at the coffeeshop with amazing $4 donuts. Now that I have a child, I usually put her in daycare for most of the day but get her a little early and do a fun mother-daughter activity in the late afternoon. I never work on my birthday (thankful for low stress job that lets me take a vacation day basically whenever I want).

    • coffee

      Pick something you normally talk yourself out of in everyday life because it’s “too much” — whether that’s a big trip, spa day, fun piece of jewelry, artwork, etc.

    • Anonymous

      I like to do a few little things throughout the day to treat myself. Workout I really enjoy in the morning. Then take advantage of my free Starbucks drink by getting something more expensive and calorie-heavy than I’d normally go for. Go to a longer lunch with friends at some place special. Maybe a pedicure after work followed by a nice dinner out with my spouse. Something about having multiple little treats scattered throughout the day makes it feel more special for me.

    • NOLA

      I usually plan something with a group of friends – dinner then a local festival (my birthday falls during Art for Art’s Sake here) or dinner and a movie. Sometimes I will buy a nice piece of jewelry – this year, two people sent me money to help buy clothes for a trip and it was too much for that, so I also bought myself a bracelet. A trip is great, but not generally possible when my birthday falls, but may be a week later (fall break). I used to take my birthday off, but that hasn’t been possible for the past few years.

    • The original Scarlett

      I always take the day off work, and I like to organize a small restaurant dinner or brunch with friends (I treat and it’s a nice excuse to get together, I’d rather have time connecting than more stuff).

  12. Anon

    I’m going to Martha’s Vineyard for the first time this summer with my family (husband and 2 kids, 1 and 4). We are staying at the house of my husband’s friend and a bunch of his old friends will be there from his HS. He is really excited, obviously, but I’m feeling a little blah about this vacation. What do people do all day? Is it possible for me to get away by myself and sign up for some activities like a tennis lesson or something? Any specific recs? I’m hopeful the kids will play with each other and make the childcare aspect of it more manageable. I think we are staying in the southwest part of the island, Chilmark.

    • Anon

      I’m sure you know this, but you won’t be able to get away by yourself unless a husband or another adult agrees to watch your kids. Since this is a chance for your husband to reunite with his old friends, I would just go into the trip with the mindset that this isn’t a vacation for you – it’s work, but you’re doing it so your husband can see his friends and your kids can have fun in the water. Hopefully your husband will give you some comparable time “off” when you return home or on a different trip later in the summer.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re going every weekend or for like a week, I’d suggest setting up an agreed on ‘off’ time for you each weekend or a couple times during the week.

      If it’s a one time weekend trip, I’d plan to be ‘on’ for the weekend, let DH have fun with his buddies and then take a spa day or similar the following weekend.

      Also, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing with the kids. DH could swim with the 4 year old while you walk the 1 year old for a stroller nap and some quiet time. Bring a book in case you find a nice park/bench to stop at.

    • Anonymous

      While a generally agree with the above, I’d probably try to reach out to one of the wives to plan a ladies event. Massages, brunch, etc. where the guys are in charge of the kids if you’re there longer than a weekend.

    • MVanon

      Chilmark is lovely. Look into the Chilmark Community Center for tennis lessons. They should also have some drop-in yoga/fitness classes. You may be able to sign your older kid up for playschool camp (morning only & they’re not going to take the 1-yo) if that interests you, or you can find sitters through the Center.

      Depending on where exactly the house is, you may be fairly isolated and need a car to get places. There are a lot of dirt roads that a regular stroller won’t be great on, so if the house is on one of those, suggest a jogging stroller or baby carrier. The paved roads don’t have sidewalks. That said, if you can walk or drive down to Menemsha, which is part of Chilmark, there is a public beach with calm waves, docks to walk on, a few little shops and places to get food, and you can walk around on the side of the paved roads (everyone drives slow). There are some nice Trustees of Reservations trails in Chilmark, not stroller friendly. Lots of bikepaths if you went “down island,” but none in Chilmark. You could park by the airport and walk on the paths if you wanted. There are more shops/restaurants in Oak Bluffs, Edgartown, Vineyard Haven and each town has a slightly different feel. Drive and park down there and you can walk around each town. Also check the bus schedule to get down there if you won’t have a car.

      Also look up the flea market, farmer’s market, and artisan’s fair (my fave is the artisan’s fair, it’s in West Tisbury but not too far, there is a playground right next door to where it is held). Also pick up the local papers (Vineyard Gazette, MV Times) to find activities.

      • MVanon

        I should add that it is really lovely up there. Peaceful and quiet (well, then add HS friends + kids, but you know). Hopefully the house will be nice and you will get to relax a bit, even if it’s just coffee on the deck before kids wake up.

    • Anonymous

      Its a beach resort. People go to the beach, wander into town for shopping, and go out to dinner. I’m sure you can take tennis lessons somewhere.

  13. ALC

    Does anyone use the Headspace app? I liked the free ones I tried, but not sure it’s worth $90/year.

    • Anon

      I don’t think it’s worth it. It was helpful, but I found that you can just get one of the packages and keep repeating it everyday, instead of going with the subscription model.

    • Anonymous

      I really like it. I like the variety of all the different packs with new techniques and areas of focus. I pay for it monthly and one months worth is less than a co-pay to visit my therapist so I think it’s well worth it.

    • Marie

      Try insight timer. It has the largest free collection of guided meditations and relaxing music I have found. The sorting function is very user friendly by time, issue (anxiety, depression, sleep), etc.

    • Anon

      I’m on the fence about this as well! I just really love Andy Puddicombe’s voice. But I don’t think I use it enough to justify a subscription.

    • Legally Brunette

      I tried it for 2 months and canceled it. I liked it fine, but I think I realized that I am not a meditation person. I’ll stick to a free app.

  14. Anon

    Has anyone tried Keratin lash lift? How was your experience and did you have any side effects? I sometimes get dried eyes and so am a little concerned about potentially getting my eyes irritated from the procedure.

    • grapefruit

      I’ve done it several times and love it. My lashes end up looking significantly longer and curlier for at least a month. The only reason I don’t do it more often is because my lash salon is about 30 mins away which is just far enough to be annoying.

      • S in Chicago

        I’ve had a lash tint (I’m blonde and blue-eyed and my eyelash color is a light brown not blonde). It didn’t look all that different. Like not even equivalent to mascara. And went away after a few days. Maybe results are more meaningful if you have blonde lashes?

        You didn’t ask, but FWIW, I love, love, love Latisse. I’ve been using about four months now and it’s been about equal to false lashes for me (and I don’t even use it every night). It took about four weeks to start kicking in, but since then it’s been amazing. I don’t even wear mascara much anymore.

  15. Housecounsel

    I just ordered an Instant Pot in hopes I’ll cook more at home and eat more lentils, beans, etc. I’ve never even owned a Crock-Pot. What do you use your Instant-Pot for that isn’t beef or pork? And have you ever used any of the Williams-Sonoma “starter” sauces? Thanks.

    • coffee

      I’ve used a number of the Trader Joe’s simmer sauces in the IP. Add 2 chicken breasts and a can of beans to the IP with a jar of the curry sauce and bam, instant meal.

    • CHL

      I really like cooking sweet potatoes in my instant pot as well as chicken breasts for shredding. Also beets!

    • Lily

      We use it to make black beans (very simple – onion, garlic, some spices, and veggie broth) which we then use to accompany enchiladas, quesadillas or tacos, or to make our own chipotle-style bowls (add rice or quinoa, salsa, cheese). We also regularly make a Moroccan-style chick pea stew to take as lunches during the week.

    • Anonymous

      We use the instant pot most for hard boiled eggs, rice, and dried beans. Also any kind of soup, curry (saag paneer!) and cooking a pound of ground beef without defrosting.

    • Miss

      I use it all the time to make beans. I like Melissa Clark’s recipe for jalapeño black beans, but I mostly just throw in some aromatics and seasoning and cook the beans. This time of year I use the beans mostly in salads or tacos, but I make soups the rest of the year.

      Also, if you like Indian food, instant pot butter chicken is excellent.

    • anon

      We started making a lot more Indian food – there are tons of recipes online (I like “My Heart Beets”) and also cookbooks if you prefer to get recipes that way.

    • Anon

      Lots of Indian recipes involving chicken in the Instant Pot! Also have made congee using the budgetbytes recipe :)

    • Anon

      I make beans in my Instant Pot a lot! With just water and salt and some smashed up garlic.

      If you got one with the yogurt setting (not actually using the pressure cooking function), that’s pretty great, too.

    • Coach Laura

      For me, it’s the best way to steam vegetables. We don’t use frozen and steaming over a pot is hit or miss for me – either over or under done – and requires standing over a hot pot. With my instant pot, once I figure out the number of minutes for which vegetable, then I’m set. It does it’s thing and I get perfectly cooked veggies. There is an instruction book with time ranges but I find I get better results with specific times.

      Love hard boiled eggs in the IP – they peal without effort and again are effortless.

      I like it for rice and it replaces a rice cooker for me. Same for quinoa and oatmeal.

      I use it to make pasta sauce although sometimes tomato chunks stick to the bottom and mess up the heat function. So anytime I add non-pureed tomatoes, I add them on top and don’t stir until all done. Puttanesca sauce is easy in the IP.

      Vegetarian Chili is great in the IP.

      It makes the absolute best yogurt.

  16. Horse Crazy

    Gift/card question. Friends just got engaged a couple of weeks ago. They also happened to watch my house and feed my cats while I was out of town last week. I left them a happy engagement card, as well as a bottle of champagne and some nice chocolates as a thank you/congratulations present while I was gone. The friend just texted me this morning and said her grandmother is throwing an engagement party next weekend. I’m planning on getting them an actual engagement gift, not just the champagne and chocolates, but should I get them another card? I’m probably way overthinking this.

    • Anonymous

      Only to the extent you need it to identify who the gift is from. If you can do that in another way, then don’t repeat the card.

    • Anon

      You do you, but a card, chocolates and champagne is a lovely engagement gift and I wouldn’t feel obligated to get another one.

      • anon

        This. I also wouldn’t expect an engagement gift if I were the bride. Or the original wine and chocolates.

    • Anonymous

      I’d include a card over a gift tag. I keep a box of generic all occasion blank cards on hand for these kinds of situations. It doesn’t need to be a $10 fancy card but I would’t do a gift tag.

  17. Skipper

    Does anyone have an great gift ideas? An old friend is turning forty, and I’d like to get him a little something. He’s into music, biking, and food/wine. He’s basically the remaining “cool kid” in a college friend group that’s gone the way of suburbia, so I feel vaguely intimidated by shopping for him. My budget’s around $40.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yep.

        If you want to lean in to the cycling angle, order him a bottle of cycing-themed wine from here: https://www.pelotoncellars.com/ (If they will ship to where you are — and I know it’s a pain because you have to sign for it. But my cycling wine-loving husband loves it!)

    • Rainbow Hair

      Is he outdoorsy? I think you can get a good bluetooth speaker for that prince range, and folks are always happy to be able to play music at their picnic/bbq/whatever.

  18. Lily

    I’m feeling super bummed about my post-baby body and that feeling is ramping up now that wedding season is starting. We are going to a black tie wedding in a couple of weeks in Connecticut. I’m 7 months PP and still up 15 lbs from my pre-baby weight, with a significant pooch, plus my b**bs are at least a cup size bigger than they normally are (so I’m something like a 34DD). I have now ordered and returned 5 gowns. It seems like all of the gowns I’m drawn to are close fitting in the belly/hip area. I’m just not finding anything that is more forgiving in that area that doesn’t look like it’s meant for someone much younger or older than me. Any ideas? Would like to keep this under $200. TIA!

    • anon

      postpartum body is hard. in this day and age you do not need to wear a gown to a black tie wedding, especially in summer. you could wear a knee length black dress. i’ve even seen this done at some of the fanciest venues in nyc. considering a short/knee length dress might open up your options

      • Anonymous

        It is so hard. Because not only are you up from what you are used to, but the proportions are way out of whack. Nothing fits right. All the hugs. As someone with no b**bs who misses nursing b**bs, show those suckers off ;)

        • Anon

          I agree! Show the tatas, artfully drape everything else. And I agree that it doesn’t have to be a gown.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I have a bunch of conflicting things to say here!
      (1) don’t compare old you to new you! it’s just not fair and it’s such a bs expectation that we should ‘bounce back’ like “motherhood will change you sooo much” but also “don’t let motherhood change your body even a tiny bit.” … such a scam. I feel like any time we can love ourselves it’s a tiny act of resistance against the patriarchy, so… give that a whirl.
      (2) shapewear? I wore a kinda modern underbust corset dealie when I was feeling really just like… midsection floppy? postpartum. it also forced me to stand up straight which helped everything.
      (3) what’s your current style? i’ll post some links of the stuff i’ve been eyeing for upcoming black tie events — your price range :)

    • Anon

      I have a different body type than you, but I have found that the types of dresses that tend to work better and accommodate “weird” body issues are those that would also qualify as bridesmaid dresses since they’re made to accommodate a wide-range of body types. You might try looking at something like the “Alfred Sung High Neck Gown.” (I’m not recommending that one for you because it is fairly tight in the bust for me and I’m a 34A.) It’s fit and flare, so no stomach pooch. It also has a high neck, so you don’t have to be as concerned with your larger bust at the moment. It has a back slit, so you’re not totally covered. Would recommend looking at styles like this in other brands.

    • Lily

      thanks all! and apologies for my lack of response earlier – work is on fire today – but really appreciate all the suggestions!

      • Wow

        Also, 7 months PP is really not that long of a time and it’s totally natural to feel not yourself, so be gentle with yourself. It took me about 2 years to bounce back after my second kid, and the only thing that did the trick was intermittent fasting.

  19. Anonymous

    Pay cuts — so I know a lot of us here (me included) have taken paycuts when we’ve left biglaw for things like in house, midlaw or federal government. After that initial paycut though, did you ever have a “line” where a subsequent paycut for your next job was “unreasonable” — not because you couldn’t meet your expenses but because you thought — it’s ridiculous to take another cut; my salary should go up with age, not down — or something along those lines?

    Situation is this — went from biglaw to non profit. HUGE pay cut. This wasn’t one of those “reasonable” declines from biglaw senior associate money to still a respectable 180k that a lot of my law firm friends took to go in house or to government financial agencies. This was a decline to like 80k. Now years later wanting to leave said non profit and a solo law firm offer has come along and that is ANOTHER decline to more like 60k (plus I’m going to have to pay out at least 1/2 of my health insurance my self so say $400/month, which means my expenses are going up another $4800). I can make it work in terms of living; I wouldn’t have to change my living situation etc. which is fortunate in NYC, though I’m probably going to have to look harder at grocery prices, taking cabs etc. Obviously my savings including retirement savings will go way down; this solo firm doesn’t even have any kind of 401k setup so I’m guessing I’m not eligible for that tax free contribution anymore and would have to go to IRAs on my own. Would you even consider it? Have you done something similar for something you really wanted? Age 44 single NYC.

    • Anon

      No, I wouldn’t consider it. There’s definitely a point in life when you don’t accept jobs that pay $60k. Several years out of law school and after working at biglaw is definitely one of them. One of the others is when you really, really, really always wanted to be a Hill staffer but then you learn that they earn $40k and acknowledge that grown adults can’t survive on that in DC and concede that that ship has sailed, no matter how cool it’d be to take the underground train.

    • anon a mouse

      I wouldn’t consider it unless there was a strong chance of higher earning potential after 1-2 years of ramp up.

    • Anon

      I left Big Law to accept a job that paid $46k with no room for growth except annual 2% COL raises, but I’m married and live in a very LCOL area. I wouldn’t be comfortable on this salary if I were single or lived in NYC and certainly not if I were single AND in NYC. For me, salary has always been about how that amount of money will affect my lifestyle (eg., will this salary let me pay my bills, save appropriately and do what I want to do), not what I feel I “should” be making as an attorney who used to be in Big Law.

    • Anonymous

      A pay cut to 180k from the 200-300k range, fine because quality of life/finances doesn’t change; you don’t pay for your own health insurance; you still have a 401k (and in my case my new employer 401k came with an 8% match which was a positive shock after nearly a decade in biglaw of 0% match; I’m actually surprised by how much quicker retirement has grown in this job than in biglaw just because of the match and net worth is still growing even though now it’s more retirement, less cash as opposed to biglaw which was almost all cash, little retirement growth). A pay cut to 60 or 80k in your mid 40s where there is no health insurance or 401k — uh no. To me it’s not even about meeting your expenses, it’s a matter of principle. I didn’t grind away for nearly 20 years after law school, go to a top 10 with all the honors blah blah, work 100s of hours in biglaw for THAT situation. Frankly if it came to that — I would highly consider leaving law for my own business even if said business was just a gas station franchise or the like; even though those also require your own health care and retirement, they also don’t have to be in Manhattan and bring in more than 60k in profit per year in most reasonable locations.

      Those kinds of jobs are meant for 25 year olds and/or for hobbyists who are married to NYC investment bankers or the kids of NYC investment bankers who’ve set them up with a trust fund for life.

    • Cat

      I mean, only you know your own financials and desires, but “solo law firm” compensation tends to be a lot less predictable in addition to the downsides you mentioned… Why do you “really want” to join this firm?

      FWIW, I would hold out for a different offer, but I’m not ashamed to admit that I like my standard of living/ability to save for the future, and am not a particularly ‘passionate’ person that would benefit from so much joy/enthusiasm from another role that it would be worth the decreased comp.

      • Anon

        Agreed. I’m not saying that you have to stay at your current job, but why do you want this job? That is a very low salary for law in NYC, even for a solo law firm. I strongly suspect that you could find something substantially better.

    • Anonymous

      To me salary isn’t JUST about meeting expenses. It’s about meeting expenses + saving 19k/yr in retirement + saving appropriately outside of retirement too which for me is a decent % of my net. So if a job doesn’t meet all 3 of those goals, then it’s a no. Meeting expenses and maxing out the 401k to 19k is NOT negotiable for me. That last piece of discretionary saving is where there is variance and I’ve gotten comfortable with that variance because I know that post biglaw in NYC, I’m not going to be saving 50% of my net. However, I still would not voluntarily consider any situation where I was going to be in a position to save less than say 25% of net.

      To me it sounds like you view salary as JUST about expenses, not retirement or other savings. If that’s accurate, then maybe this is ok for you.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, you probably have 10-20 years of savings left at most, and (at the moment) no partner to leverage. If you aren’t saving for retirement with this new job (or the current one), how do you plan to fill that gap?

    • Anonymous

      I’m about your age and took a 17% pay cut last fall to go from a dead end counsel position in mid law to a basically senior associate position at a firm with a much better growth path. Day to day I don’t feel it. But I will say any small bump in the road can trigger some really bad feelings (I took a pay cut of X for this . . . ) so be prepared for that. For me the tradeoff has been worth it but it has been hard. I ate a lot of humble pie. But after 5+ years of trying to fix the problems with the old job I had to concede that it wasn’t going to get any better. For what it’s worth, the lack of a 401k would have been a big red flag for me. I think that is a much bigger deal in our age bracket.

    • anon

      I would not do this even as a married person. I took a substantial paycut to go from biglaw to fed gov’t, but did so thinking that I would be able to reenter private practice at some point down the line (which many of my colleagues are now doing, because the legal market is so hot). Unfortunately, I had to move cities for DH’s job, and wasn’t able to leverage that experience (yet, at least) for a law firm job. I ended up taking another government job that was ANOTHER pay cut from my previous fed job, and it gnaws at me every day (setting aside the fact that I don’t particularly enjoy the work). At this point in my life, I need to feel like I am being paid something closer to what I am worth, not to mention saving for retirement plus my kids’ college education. I would not take it if I were you.

    • Anemone

      As a married person in a MCOL, hard no. If I were single in NYC, **** no.

      As long as the non-profit job isn’t in jeopardy (because 60k is better than 0k, obviously), continue searching. You can find better.

      • Two Cents

        Yes, exactly. Living in Oklahoma on 60K? Fine. NYC? No way. Also, I made 60K out of college. No way I would take that salary as a lawyer unless it was my absolute dream job and money was not an issue at all.

    • Senior Attorney

      No way. If you do this your future self will be saying “WTF were you thinking???”

    • Anonymous

      I’m your age and in NYC. I’ve made both of those salaries and that 20K makes a huge difference. Don’t do it.

    • Anon

      Echoing the chorus above, but adding: future compensation is based on current compensation. You are giving up the ability to leverage your current compensation ($80k) for more than that. Part of salary negotiation is “I made X now and am worth X plus Y.”

    • Anonymous

      Why on earth would you consider this? It’s no money and solos firm are super unstable.

  20. Anemone

    Good brands of pressed powder compacts for the palest of white girls? I’m not a frequent makeup user, but I’m a month into tret and I want to stamp out that tell-tale greasy glow.

  21. Vaccines

    My 12 month old son just got the measles vaccine on Saturday, is it safe to bring him out yet or should I wait until a full week has passed? Worried about potential fever and I don’t think the vaccines actually start working until 10 days later. Am I being overly cautious?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t understand. If your child doesn’t have a fever, your child doesn’t have a fever. And if you went out at any point in the first year of your child’s life before he/she got the vaccine, why wouldn’t you go out now?

    • Anon

      Why would you stay inside now? He’s no more susceptible to measles than he was before he got the shot (if anything, less, although it probably takes a week or two to build full immunity). You can call the doctor and ask but I guarantee you they will tell you don’t need to keep him inside.

    • Anonymous

      What? Have you just kept him inside for a year? Of course you can take him outside where on earth did you get this bananas idea?

    • Anonymous

      You can go on with life as normal. The vaccine is a routine childhood vaccination at 12 months.

  22. kp

    Any advice on selling jewelry?

    I’m a poster from a few weeks ago who got cheated on. I have a Tiffanys necklace and a brandless pearl necklace that he bought me, but I still have the packaging and price info, etc. They aren’t really my taste anyways, and now seeing them in my jewelry collection is a bummer. I posted on FB marketplace, craigslist, and poshmark, but are there other ways to sell that I don’t know about?

    Also, what kind of discount do you think you should put on pre-owned but like new jewelry? For example, the necklaces are originally $350 and $250 – what would you list them at?

    Thanks in advance!

    • Anonymous

      My general rule of selling pre-owned is ask 60% of original price if excellent condition and accept 40-50% of the price depending on how many offers I have. I ask less and accept a lower percentage if it’s not excellent condition.

    • Veronica Mars

      Loupetroop or Diamondbistro are best, try there first. Your Tiffanys pieces will sell well, try discounting 30% off retail and lower from there (i.e., a $200 bracelet, list for $140 if it’s in good/excellent condition). Your pearl necklace, I wouldn’t list for more than $125, or $100, and that’s assuming it’s a very nice strand (perfectly round freshwater or akoya pearls with good luster). Pearls do not sell well on the secondary market at all. If they aren’t good quality (i.e. a mall strand bought at $350 that’s off round or egg shaped, or has lots of blemishes), you’d be lucky to get $50. Sorry, but pearls just don’t sell well.

      • Anonymous

        This is great to hear, as I love pearls! Where do I go to buy secondhand pearls? ;)

    • Anonymous

      I had a couple of Tiffany pieces from an ex-boyfriend and had a good experience selling them on Poshmark. I think the pieces retailed for 225 and I sold them for 110 and 100 (although Poshmark takes a cut of that).

    • NOLA

      I am selling some of my jewelry (including my former engagement ring) at a local jewelry store on consignment. Some of the pieces, I bought there, which helps.

    • The original Scarlett

      Something to keep in mind is that you’re discounting for both the used factor and the fact that there’s no recourse for the buyer with you if something goes wrong. I’d personally try a local, higher end consignment store.

    • Anonymous

      I sold my ex-boyfriend jewelry on the Real Real. They took a not-insignificant cut but all I had to do was drop off (or mail in) the pieces and they did absolutely everything else. Highly recommend.

  23. wet-looking highlighter

    Give me your dewiest highlighter recommendations! I’m currently wearing Essence Make Me Glow but I want something less shimmery/pearlescent and more just glistening, like “sweaty, but make it fashion.” Or is there some other non-highlighter product I should be wearing instead? I did try using Vaseline but I kept getting stray hairs stuck in it.

    • JS

      Becca shimmering skin perfector liquid is super glossy (but also has some reflect still so keep that in mind). I’ve been loving Glossier Haloscope since it has a glossy balm portion to it as well as a bit of pearly color.

  24. Stressful Morning

    Got a massive crack on my windshield from unknown object in highway and car may need manufacturer glass, which means insurance may not pay for all of it. My car is not American and needs a few other repairs, which means the whole thing will be really pricey.

    Also got test results that my cholesterol and glucose are a smidge high–this is partly genetic, but still dispiriting because we think it is driven almost entirely by stress. I do a ton of Crossfit and track macros–I do not eat paleo, but I don’t drink. They flagged the numbers for me because they thought it was odd with how “healthy” and young I am, even with genetics factored in.

    I got to counseling–my counselor is a gem!–and I actually love my job. It’s a midmarket city/firm, so it is manageable and I get really positive reinforcement about advancement and my work. I love my job.

    Home is chaotic with a mom and dad who depend on us financially somewhat and who have always worked as manual/low-wage laborers, so have not been saving for retirement–I constantly think about this because I am the only child–and issues with SO not pulling his share, though he is generally supportive.

    Everything I saw on lowering cholesterol and glucose was stuff I already do, except for lowering stress. Any thoughts on good coping mechanisms or what to do? I fee like I am inadvertently killing myself and if I’m being entirely honest, more like others are going to kill me with all their needs/need for help.

    • Lilac

      Eating plant based will lower your cholesterol since you will no longer be eating cholesterol. Everytime I get a blood panel medical professionals always gush over my perfect numbers.

      • cbackson

        I’m chowing down on a delicious vegan stir-fry even as we speak, but it’s important not to conflate dietary cholesterol and blood cholesterol. The cholesterol in your diet has a pretty limited impact on your blood cholesterol. Trans fats and saturated fats are a much more significant issue. For vegans, the biggest place those turn up is hydrogenated oils (which are mostly a junk food thing). If you’re eating a healthy, whole-foods-based vegan diet, you won’t consume a lot of hydrogenated oils, but that’s also true if you’re eating a healthy, whole-foods-based omnivorous diet. So just dropping animal products won’t do the trick if you’re still consuming a lot of trans fats and saturated fats. A decent number of vegan dairy substitutes, unfortunately, rely pretty heavily on hydrogenated oils.

        • Anon

          I believe it’s also true that eating a lot of fiber lowers cholesterol, which is also supported by a plant-based diet.

    • Anon

      How can stress contribute to elevated glucose? What’s your carbohydrate intake like?

    • Anon

      Have you discussed the results with your primary care doctor? My understanding is the overall cholesterol number is not as important as the individual HDL, LDL, etc., especially if overall is only slightly higher than “normal.” For glucose, I’ve often had that reading be slightly higher than the target and my MD notes it, then says it’s nothing to worry about unless it keeps going up. Not saying don’t take it seriously, but discuss with a professional whether you should be worried.

    • Anon

      I recommend reading the book “The Obesity Code.” The title is a little misleading because the book is actually a lot more medical. High blood glucose level is caused by a combination of factors. One is eating processed food. The other is caused by insulin-resistance. Insulin-resistance and high blood glucose levels are a circular problem, because insulin resistance leads to high blood glucose level, which in turn builds insulin resistance. Dr. Fung’s solution to lowering insulin resistance is to engage in periodic fasting and watch meal timing. His point is that too much emphasis has been paid on what we eat, not enough on how we eat, which is more important in terms of lowering insulin resistance and hence glucose level.

      Also, high glucose level can also be caused by stress, because stress causes the frontal area of the brain that controls hormones to release high levels of cortisol constantly. Cortisol induces hunger and a need to eat. That’s why one way to reduce blood glucose level also requires stress management.

  26. Anon

    Any advice on replacing minor parts on old cars? I have a Toyota Camry from the 1990s – it has 150k miles on it but runs great. The other day I broke the side mirror. I took it into the dealership and they told me the parts aren’t made anymore so they can’t fix it. They strongly suggested junking the car, which seems insane to me (and I’m aware they’re a dealer and are trying to get me to buy a new car). They told me if I could find a mirror that fits, they could install it, but I have no idea how to go about finding one and I don’t have any time at the moment – I really just want to throw money (but not to the extent of buying a whole new car). Any suggestions?

    • Anon

      Girl, you’re about to explore a whole new world: junkyards. Most of them have U-Pick parts for just this reason.

      • Anon

        That’s what the dealer suggested but the nearest junkyard is 100 miles away and I have young kids and a spouse who travels a lot. I can’t realistically go do this.

        • Lilac

          If you don’t want to do the labour of going to a junk yard yourself you can pay a premium on eBay for the parts.

          • Ellen

            I threw out the stuff my ex bought me from CVS; it was really of no value to me, and certainly would not even give it to my neice, who are too young to know what it means to be cheated on yet. FOOEY on men that we let pen@trate us, then cheat on us with other women. They are the wurst!

        • Anonymous

          Have you searched the part name/number online? or “rearview mirror Camry 1990s” or similar? Some used auto parts places cull from junkyards and advertise online so they increase the size of their market for hard to find parts. Just because the dealership doesn’t have it, doesn’t mean it can’t be easily found. They are just clearly more motivated to sell you another car vs look for the part.

          • Anon

            This! Just google the part you need. If somebody out there is selling it, you’ll find it.

          • Inspired By Hermione

            Some teenage/20 something car guy (or girl) is almost certainly going to the yard soon and would love an extra $50 or whatever plus the cost of the part. Post it on the used cars section of Craigslist. My little brother is one of those guys and would do it in a second for some extra car-work cash.

    • Webby

      Look for part on ebay. There are other companies that make parts for Toyota that might make the mirror (the dealership probably just orders Toyota made parts.)

    • lydia

      also, if you don’t want to source it yourself, I recommend taking it to a corner mechanic place with a lot of junky looking cars out front — this is the kind of thing they’re great at (well, I think they’re great for everything! but in this specific case, they won’t try to upsell you on a genuine Toyota part like the dealer will. Also, they’ll install any rando brand).

    • LawDawg

      My 1999 Camry just died two weeks ago (RIP). Before that, we had replaced 1) the driver’s seat, 2) one or two side mirrors, and 3) the exterior, driver’s side door handle. We found parts on eBay or Amazon and instructions on YouTube. You can do this!

    • anon

      You go to a reputable mechanic and ask if he can find you an aftermarket part that fits your car or if he can find a used/salvage one. Your mirror may not be made anymore but a more current one (which would be the aftermarket) may fit and work with your current car. A Toyota Camry is a common enough car that they are definitely sitting in junkyards like LKQ or a u-pick place across the country and your mechanic can call around and find one that fits your vehicle. It may be the same year/make/model as your car or it may be a different year or from a Lexus, etc. but that still fits. (Your mechanic will know how to find this by calling and searching inventories.) Then it gets sent to the shop and they can install it and paint it the same color as your car.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, my independent (non-dealer) mechanic will source salvaged parts on request.

    • Original Moonston

      This one says it fits Camrys from 1997-2001. For 40 bucks, I would give it a try. https://www.1aauto.com/1997-01-toyota-camry-driver-side-mirror/i/1amre00331?f=151970&y=1998&utm_campaign=gb_csv_br&utm_content=MRE&gclid=Cj0KCQjwgezoBRDNARIsAGzEfe58T8hP9OPTvZsrO3G8_Gs3u14VIIx5MQEJpx5xHg16yc2LXFZL6wcaAkY5EALw_wcB
      There’s a video showing installation, but you could probably take it to a local repair shop (not dealer) and see what they can do.
      Signed, Someone who just screwed the broken mirror back on her car after knocking it off for the second time. It looked terrible!

      • Anon

        FYI: the founder of 1A Auto is a really great person. I’ve met him on several occasions.

        • Anon

          Really good to know. I just purchased 2 new headlights for my 2005 Ford Focus through them to replace the original, now-clouded ones. Super quick shipping and great prices. My mechanic was in awe that I sourced them through 1A; he uses them too :)

      • Anonymous

        This is why I love this community. Need to figure out how to deal with a toxic coworker? Done. Need to figure out a wedding venue in Virginia? Done. Need to figure out where to stay on vacation in Moroco? Done. Need a part for your 20+ year old car? Done.

    • Anon

      Agree with finding it online. I will further suggest you find an online group for old Camry enthusiasts (the car being old, not the enthusiasts, through there is probably significant overlap.)

      My husband fixes up old cars as a hobby and is always finding parts and suggestions, like did you know x part will fit y model perfectly?, on his online groups. This is basically his online affair and I am fine with it.

    • Salvage Yard

      Call a salvage yard, tell them what you need (they can also look it up for you based on VIN), have them ship it to you, have the dealer install it.

      Source: Dad worked at salvage yard for years.

      • Seventh Sister

        This is making me nostalgic for my childhood – I spent many Saturdays driving from junkyard to junkyard with my dad (mom was working) looking for car parts. Every time my husband tells me our brats could have some more “fun times” on weekends, I bring up junkyard Saturdays! If we were lucky, we got to go to the liquor store and get peanuts.

    • Nudibranch

      I just had this happen to my similarly old car. The body shop googled and found it from a junkyard. They shipped to the body shop and they installed. Good as new and all covered by my insurance. Took about a 1/2 hour for me to review and to authorize the order.

  27. Anonymous

    I see this topic being discussed above and I’m in a similar position — I’m sure there’s a huge range, but what kind of comp would you expect at a solo firm in Manhattan? The firm has one owner who is really busy and one associate with probably 5 years of experience.They’re looking to hire a 2nd person — I’m a litigator with nearly 15 years of experience. The firm operates only in the employment space, and while I’ve done employment, it’s not the only area I’ve worked in/it isn’t a specialty. We’re in very very early stage discussions and I’d like to be somewhat educated in case she starts throwing out numbers/point blank asks what I expect. I know the partner is offering 25% of all business I’d bring in that gets all the way to settlement/verdict/makes money for the firm. But what would you expect as a base salary in that kind of situation (because I don’t assume I’ll generate business immediately — it’ll take a year or two if not more and this partner has said she isn’t looking for me to do that because she has a ton of business). I know people tend to take in terms of hours or % per hour, but all in not counting the business generation, would you expect pay to be in the 80k range or 100k range or more/less? I’m vaguely interested but have no educated idea here. And if this really is something that’ll pay 60k with no insurance, I need to gracefully bow out.

  28. anon

    I have an “is this normal” for therapy question.

    I recently started seeing a counselor through EAP specifically to address work stress and anxiety, and to learn better coping mechanisms. I’m three sessions in and it’s sort of helping, I guess, but this counselor is taking a way deeper dive into my past, identifying my “inner child” and all sorts of other woo-ish stuff that I think would be more helpful for a long-term counseling relationship. Brene Brown and vulnerability has come up a lot. She frames everything in psychology terminology rather than “real person” speak, so I feel like I spend half the session interpreting what the heck she’s trying to tell me or asking for clarification. Or saying something vague like, ‘huh, I’ll have to think about that.’

    I’m not dealing with any terrible childhood trauma, here, I just really need some concrete help on dealing with bosses with unrealistic expectations and being burnt out. On the flip side, I do think it’s been useful for helping me better identify what I’m feeling and trying to identify why I’m such a people pleaser. So, I dunno. It’s not completely unhelpful, but I’m not sure it’s helping me solve my problems either.

    • Cb

      Can you work with someone who specifically does cognitive behavioural therapy? I worked with someone in SF for a similar work/life stress dynamic and while we did speak about family and childhood stuff in passing, it was very focused on giving me the skills to cope with life.

    • Anonymous

      Not really. Usually EAP focuses on ‘urgent’ type treatment. Very solution focused. And they refer to the appropriate professional (psychologist/psychiatrist/social worker) for anything that takes longer than 3-6 sessions.

      You can call your EAP again and tell them the first counselor wasn’t a good fit and ask for someone solution focused who specializes in work stress/anxiety. You should walk away from each session with a game plan on specific actions/exercises/etc to move forward.

  30. Anon

    Curious for thoughts on how you would you support a relative in this situation – we’re cousins, I’m her only first cousin and she has no siblings. Our whole family tends to be nerdy, introverted and socially awkward but she’s to the extreme end of this and doesn’t appear to have any friends, and spending time with her can be really unpleasant because much of her behavior is so far outside social norms. I don’t believe she will ever marry or have children, although I’ve been surprised on this point before. She has a very high IQ but has not had great success at finding and keeping jobs because of both social skills and work ethic issues (I suspect there are undiagnosed issues like ADHD or Asperger’s). I worry she will be all alone when her parents pass, and as her only close relative, I do feel a sense of obligation to take care of her, but I have my own life (spouse, kids, full-time job) in a different city. I don’t think significant financial support is possible, as DH and I agree that our own family comes first (which includes saving a lot for our own retirement and saving for college for our kids) and we would support his spendthrift parents before we would support my cousin. I expect her to inherit quite a bit from her wealthy parents, so I don’t think money is a pressing issue anyway. Anyway, I guess I’m just trying to get a sense of what other people would do in my situation? Should I be calling her weekly? Visiting semi-annually? I check in on friends and other family because I want to, she’s the only person I’m interacting with only out of a sense of obligation, so I’m not sure what is necessary or appropriate here.

    • Anonymous

      Is she living independently? Is she older or younger than you? The fact that she has wealthy parents will likely help significantly. She may just need assistance in terms of locating appropriate accommdation if she has to move after they pass for some reason. Sometimes tasks like that are overwhelming for people with poor life skills. I wouldn’t worry too much at this stage. After her parents pass, even a biweekly phone for 10 mins might be a bright spot for her. You can just exchange general pleasantries about what you and your kids are up to etc.

      • Anon

        She is currently living alone, but gets a lot of support from her parents, and not just financially. I believe they helped her find her current place, move in etc., As you noted, many general life tasks are a challenge for her. She is significantly younger than me (late 20s, I’m late 30s) but her parents had her relatively late in life (40ish) so i would expect they will be too elderly to assist her with a lot of this stuff within the next 5-10 years, which is why I’m thinking helping her with these kinds of things may fall to me relatively soon.
        I have definitely never promised her money, and if she said anything that implied she expected money from me, I would be honest with her that I don’t anticipate being able to give her any financial support because of my own family’s needs. Fwiw, I’m using the word “wealthy” in the sense of “better off than most Americans” – her parents are affluent white collar professionals who have really good retirement savings but they don’t have hundreds of millions and I’m not sure how much she will inherit if they live long lives and need lots of healthcare at the end.
        She has made it clear that she’s very lonely and wants us to be closer than we are. So far I have not done much except take her phone calls when she calls me and let her visit when she wants to visit (a couple of times a year), but I have drawn boundaries, eg., I will cut off a phone call after we have talked for half an hour and I have told her she can’t visit us for weeks at a time.

        • Anonymous

          Sounds like you are handling well so far. For future needs, I would just start/maintain a list of local service providers – electrician, plumber, meal delivery service, laundry service, cleaning service etc so you have an easy list to work from. You could probably pick up this knowledge in passing from your parents etc and then it’s easy to give your cousin a name/number to call for assistance with various tasks.

    • Senior Attorney

      I almost feel like you are doing her more of a disservice by leading her on (letting her think you will be there for her when maybe you can’t or won’t) than by distancing yourself now. Also do you know for sure that she wants you to be contacting her? There’s nothing in your post to indicate she does.

      As to your exact question, my family may be more dysfunctional than most but I am barely in contact with any of my first cousins and don’t feel one bit obligated to support them in their old age.

      • anon

        Agree with this. Besides which, is she even unhappy about her life? If she’s unhappy AND comes to you for advice, you could recommend books or therapy or medical attention or be honest with her about your concerns. But I would not spend any time worrying about this at all.

    • January

      Gosh… I’m an only child and my first cousins all have siblings, and I’m probably the nerdiest of them all. I wouldn’t expect any of my cousins to take care of me in my old age, and we do not talk weekly or even monthly, but if you’ve been in regular touch with her, I’d hate to think that you’d just cut her out entirely out of fear that it could “lead her on.” It’s a little unclear how much you’re interacting with her now, but I wouldn’t either increase or decrease your efforts with her out of concern for her future.

    • Anon

      You have no obligation? Why do you think she wants talk to you bi-weekly or have semi annual visits?

      • Anonymous

        Yes this. She’s fine. She hasn’t asked for your help. Send birthday and Christmas cards because that’s a nice thing to do for a cousin.

    • Anonymous

      Uhhhh… I wouldn’t feel any obligation to anyone other than first degree family: parents and siblings (and maybe niece / nephew if/when that day comes around).

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