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I always love a good huggie — and these sterling silver huggie earrings look comfortable, classic, and stylish. They're $66 at Bloomingdale's. Nancy B Sterling Silver Huggie EarringsSales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Jdubs
Vicarious shopping challenge: Business event cocktail dress shape or type flattering for a postpartum body (think: apple shape w/ big b00bs)?? Any ideas?
Anonymous
Search for twist front dress. Get one in black and wear it with a sparkly necklace. I want to say Donna Morgan has one at Nordstrom. It’s not super fancy but i think would dress up well.
spamalot
Co-signed. My sister looked awesome in this in the same situation.
AIMS
What about something simple like this: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/donna-ricco-twist-front-jersey-sheath-dress/3902111?recs_type=coordinating&recs_productId=&recs_categoryId=0&recs_productOrder=2&recs_placementId=PP_3&recs_source=Rich_Relevance_Recs_API&recs_strategy=
Add some great shoes, a clutch and some sparkly jewelry. Wear a cami if needed. In my experience business c&cktail is not much different from regular business dress.
AIMS
You could also dress up this one. The color is gorgeous, the neckline is high enough, and all that detail at the waist is going to be very flattering.
I’d throw on strappy gold shoes or black suede pumps as shown.
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/adrianna-papell-ruched-sleeve-faux-wrap-dress/3524920?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=614&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-2_4_A
Anonymous
That’s exactly the dress I was picturing!
Meg Murry
I have a dress similar to this one (although the side twist is more dramatic to make it more interesting) that I find really versatile:
http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/lauren-ralph-lauren-long-sleeve-faux-wrap-sheath-dress?ID=593795&CategoryID=5449&LinkType=#fn=BRAND%3DLauren%20Ralph%20Lauren%26SPECIAL_OCCASIONS%3DParty/Cocktail%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D38%26ruleId%3D%26slotId%3D5
Diana Barry
Postpartum I really liked wrap dresses (perhaps in bigger than normal size) with uber Sp*nx to make the dress more flattering.
Anonymous
I’m buying a Michael Kors bag online and got a warning about California Prop 65 (“chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer…”) I’ve never bought either an MK bag or a bag from this particular department store. Does anyone know if this issue is unique to MK bags or a general warning associated with leather in general? Any idea what chemicals are implicated?
cbackson
California Prop 65 warnings are issued in connection with all manner of substances. It’s not limited to MK, to bags generally, or even to leather. You’ll see it posted at gas stations; I got a Prop. 65 warning in the package with a Nambe bowl that I got as a gift one year. You can read California’s FAQ on them – the upshot is that there’s no way to know which of a laundry list of chemicals is involved and that the warning doesn’t mean that the manufacturer violated any standard (in many cases, it’s easier for them to provide the warning than to assess whether or not there’s any actual risk – proving the absence of risk is hard).
anon
This is such an example of government overreach. By passing this legislation, they actually made it impossible for people to tell without a ton of research whether the chemicals in the product are actually something they are concerned about.
Wildkitten
It’s a proposition. The people voted for it, not the legislature.
anon
That’s true. Not the legislature then. Just a sign of the times, I guess. Who put it on the ballot? Some governmental entity.
S
It’s from ’86 so if you define “the times” as the last 25+ years then yes
Wildkitten
It was a direct voter initiative so it was put on the ballot by the people. The State Legislature can also put propositions on the ballot, but that’s not what happened in this case.
cbackson
1) Prop. 65 is actually an example of a type of legislation that fans of small government tend to favor. The idea is that, rather than mandating behavior, you provide information and enable people to make choices. Therefore, if you’re against governmental overreach, this is actually the approach you should favor – it enables consumer choice, thereby relying on the market to influence manufacturers toward developing safer products.
2) The problem is that Prop. 65 is a *bad* example of informational regulation, because it doesn’t provide enough information for people to make decisions. As a result, people ignore the warnings.
The bottom line: it’s actually a great idea, just poorly executed.
Annie
My favorite is going to Disneyland and seeing a sign that there may be something that causes cancer inside.
Anonymous
Thanks. Yeah, I know the warnings are everywhere (I live in CA) but I had never seen them in connection with a handbag before so I thought it might be MK-specific and maybe they added something weird to their bags that others don’t. It sounds like that’s not the case though.
mintberrycrunch
Nashville TJ! My husband and I are going to Nashville in a few weeks for a long weekend. We are staying right near the Honky Tonk Row. Neither of us has ever been, and we’re looking forward to exploring the city. What should we do? Where should we eat? We love good food and good music. TIA!
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul
Eat at Etch! It’s delicious, upscale, good quality food.
NYtoCO
The Stage is quite a tourist attraction, but it really is a lot of fun for late night live music. Their acts are always very good– so if you want the Nashville experience I would recommend!
Walk through Hillsboro Village, 12th Avenue South, or check out and The Gulch (that area was only starting to build up when I left Nashville). Percy Warner Park is really nice for walking/hiking– and if you feel like continuing on another half hour from there, Loveless Cafe is a fun and unique. Jeni’s ice cream in East Nashville is awesome.
Urban Grub is a restaurant that opened recently– they have great food, and a loud, trendy atmosphere if you happen to be into that.
NYtoCO
Where’s the edit function??
Oh, and eat at Jackson’s in Hillsboro for breakfast/lunch– NOT at Pancake Pantry which is right across the street.
Miz Swizz
If you’re in Nashville during a weekday lunch, go to Arnold’s. There’s a line but it’s usually quick and definitely worth it. Robert’s downtown has great bands and is a lot of fun. You can also check out nashvillesceneDOTcom for recommendations and a listing of the goings on.
Nashville Girl
Nashville is full of different neighborhoods that all have a different vibe. Here are a few of my favorites that are close to downtown. East Nashville has tons of great restaurants – The Pharmacy, 5 Points Pizza, Lockland Table, Margots for Sunday brunch (need reservations), Mas Tacos. The Pharmacy is my favorite and has great burgers and beer but go for lunch unless you plan to spend 3 hours waiting.
Germantown is another close neighborhood to downtown – you can go to the Bicennetial Mall and eat the Farmers Market. Then head north a few blocks to Germantown for cupcakes at the Cupcake Collection (closed on Saturdays). Or eat at Germantown Cafe or City House.
The Gulch has great restaurants – Watermark, Sambuca, Kayne Prime (great steakhouse – skip Mortons or the Palm and pick this one if you want steak). There are several local breweries here too.
Lower Broadway where all the honky tonks are is also fun to explore during the day too. Check to see if there is anything at the Ryman that weekend – it is a great place to see live shows or you can always see the Grand Ole Opry but it is not downtown. The Country Music Hall of Fame is downtown too. There is a great pedestrian walking bridge to see the city skyline. The Frist Art Museum is downtown. Pucketts Downtown is a good place to eat downtown.
Check out NashvilleOriginals.com for more local restaurants. And check the weather – it can be 85 or 50 this time of year.
Mpls
Bicentennial Mall on the top of the hour to hear the bells play. Centennial park to see a scale replica of the Parthenon.
AIMS
I am in love with these boots: http://piperlime.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=1007759&pid=341460012
But I am not in love with the price. Has anyone seen something similar in the $150 or under range? I prefer no buckles and I specifically love the pointiness/tiny heel on these.
anon umc
How about these?
http://vip.zappos.com/dolce-vita-verily-black-white-box-leather
or
http://vip.zappos.com/nina-originals-quest-black-nappa-leather (these are $198)
or
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/geox-leslie-ankle-boot-women/3826691?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=Black&resultback=5100&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-4_15_D ($179)
Bonnie
How about these from BR (45% off today): http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=29096&vid=1&pid=970246002
AIMS
Those are cute but I am afraid I’d mess up the gold heel very quickly and I’m really holding out for the pointiest pair. Not sure why I am so fixated on that. Thank you though!
Bonnie
Or these from DSW: http://www.dsw.com/shoe/bandolino+opus+bootie?prodId=310206&productRef=SEARCH
AIMS
These might do! Although I haven’t been a fan of Bandolino in the past, I may make an exception if I don’t find anything else. They’re certainly pointy! Thank you.
RLS
DC Ladies, I am going to be in DC for vacation, Nov. 5 – 10. I have checked out the weather historically on those dates, and it looks like it will be chilly (Average high is 62, Low is 43) .
I’m a So. Cal girl, and really don’t have a good idea of how those temperatures translate to clothing and outerwear. I’m guessing I don’t need a down coat, but will I need fleece tights/base layers for being outdoors sightseeing? Or will I be ok with just a wool coat over warmer clothes? Since we’ll be going in and out of museums and such, I know I’ll need layers. I’m probably over thinking, I just don’t want to over pack!
KittyKat
Hat, scarf and mittens are your best friends, other than that no special things are needed. Mittens and hat can be thrown in your bag and you can just untie the scarf indoors.
Anon
Yes definitely a scarf – I usually like to pack a pashmina or big scarf or something for the plane anyways and it tends to be warm and stylish enough to wear over everything. In these types of temperatures, I keep leather gloves in my bag if I need them. I think you’ll probably be ok with sweaters or blazers but if you run cold, a wool jacket would probably be a good addition.
KittyKat
I feel the need to add that it’s currently 50 in my city and I’m in a dress, tights, trench coat, and boots. Not cold enough for winter gear for me yet
Ellen
Yay! I love these earring’s, but I am persona non gratta in Bloomie’s ever since I used their carpeting department to scrape poopie off my boot’s.
As for the OP, and your visit to DC! I wish I was goeing again, tho I was just there at the law school talking about my experience’s as a New York Attorney at law! I do miss DC, and think that a scarf is in order, tho mitten’s may be a bit much. After all, I am not wearing mittens in NYC and it is a lot colder up here! I would also think about weareing a sweater under neath your clothe’s b/c the secret is layering. You can alway’s take it off, but if you do NOT have it on, you could be cold, and no one like’s that. But with your luck, it could also be warm, in which case you simpley do NOT wear it out that day! YAY!!
Noah is now very careful in the ER after the other doctor came down with Ebola. They do have infectious disease procedures at his hospital but they are not the go to hospital for ebola cases. But by the same token, he say’s that a lot of people use their ER, so if there is goieng to be a problem, guess what, he is one of the first MD’s on staff to see them. I told him that until this all get’s cleared up, I would NOT be exchangeing any bodily fluid’s with him. He seemed VERY disappointed b/c his mother want’s him to find and marry a girl like me.
The manageing partner is having some trouble following my logic on the CLE outline I put together for him. I wonder if he even care’s b/c he said we could NOT get any busness out of this CLE and we could even loose busness to these lawyers if we teach them to much about WC in NY State. Therefore he says he is goeing to be VERY CRYPTIC in dealeing with the issue’s so that the class will leave not knowing to much. I say FOOEY b/c I have quite enough case’s as it is, and he is NOT pickeing up any of the load. DOUBEL FOOEY on men that drop the whole load on their younger partner’s like ME, leaveing me to do ALL the work and not get to much extra money for doeing so!
I think that once the EBOLA is past, I will see if Noah want’s to marry me, and if he does, I can go part time or be a law professor or a judge. I first have to figure out how to be a judge, so that I can be ready once Noah porposes to me. YAY!!!!!!
RLS
Thanks Ladies! That’s what I figured, just wanted to be sure. Last time I was in Chicago in October I was woefully unprepared, so I just wanted to double check on DC specific cold! :)
AIMS
No fleece tights. Warm layers + wool coat should be fine. If you think you’re going to be cold, a hat and scarf will do wonders to keep you nice and toasty.
Anonymous
Ha, in the Midwest people wear t-shirts when it’s 62 outside. It’s amazing how differently different parts of the country see the same temperatures. To me, highs in the 60s, lows in the 40s is blazer/tee/jeans/boots weather (or sweaterdress/leggings or thick tights/boots if dresses are more your thing). You certainly don’t need a down coat. I probably wouldn’t even bring a thick wool coat and would just stick to blazers and lighter jackets like a moto jacket but since you’re from such a warm place maybe a wool coat is a good idea. Fleece lined tights seems excessive to me.
Unicorn
Seconded.
RLS
Here in So. Cal, I’m fine with a sweater and boots in 50 degrees, but since DC is closer to the water, I know it can get colder, which is why I checked. Thanks for your input!
Rachel
+1
I’m in Indiana… we’ve had nights down to 40 or so and I go out and walk my dog. Have yet to pull out a hat (although I do wear gloves sometimes). Fleece lined tights? Those are for like 20 degrees and under. But I am used to the cold :)
Wildkitten
I’d wear pants or tights (no fleece tights) close toed shoes (no flip flops) and a fleece/jacket. Gloves and scarf in your bag just in case.
Bonnie
Even a wool coat may become a burden if you’re going in and out of places a lot. My usual uniform for this time of the year is skinny jeans, boots, tee, light open sweater and a quilted jacket like this http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/laundry-by-shelli-segal-packable-quilted-jacket-regular-petite/3758609?origin=keywordsearch
I also keep a thin pair of gloves and a cashmere scarf in my bag in case it gets chilly.
roses
Wool coat is completely unnecessary unless you see that we’re having a cold spell right before you leave. A light trench or short quilted/nylon jacket and scarf is fine. There is no way you need mittens or a hat in 50-60 degree weather.
Walking shoes - vacation
Reposting here so hopefully more responses…
I’m searching for the holy grail of shoes for vacation. I am going to be doing a fair amount of walking and would like something comfortable and stylish. Must have support (plus I’ll put in my old lady inserts). Any ideas??
Anon2
My Sperry boat shoes are my go to if I’m in shorts and otherwise casual.
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul
I walked up and down the strip multiple times each day for a week in my TOMS. My feet didn’t hurt once.
Two Cents
AGL flats are amazingly comfortable. Pricey but great. Supposedly many will go on sale at Nordstrom on November 5 (according to my personal stylist).
Anonymous
LMAO at Sperry’s or Tom’s as supportive/comfortable. I usually do like a Puma or other non-sporty sneaker, or a supportive sandal in the Clark’s vein.
My biggest comfort vacation shoe win is having more than one option. Maybe a nice flat for a day of shopping in Paris and a more sneaker like shoe for all day at the Louvre/Versailles.
anon
Sperry’s are awful for support.
Try Clark’s Privo line – line a mary jane. I have something like the Haley Stork (weird name) and wore it all over Europe and Russia.
Anon
Gentle Souls
In House Lobbyist
I love my Skeecher Go Walkers for lots of walking.
Anonymous
Aravon is my go-to brand for adding inserts and walking for miles. I have a boat shoe, as well as loafers that take my orthotics.
For fancier options, look up barkingdogshoes on an internet search.
S In Chicago
Aravon is made by new balance. I have been dying to try since I always hear such good things.
Laura
I walked around Europe in Born flats, and they were great. The Masia style has a cool snakeskin print.
EG
TOMS are not that comfortable for either walking or standing. I wore them to a three day long music festival around Memorial Day and I still have a weird tan line from that weekend.
huh?
How is there any corrolation between shoe comfort and tan lines?
Calendar questions
Best practices on staying organized with both Google calendars and an Outlook calendar managed by my assistant? I have a color-coded Google system that’s worked well for years, and I’m hesitant to just throw all that out the window and transfer entirely to an Outlook calendar that others can see. My understanding is that Outlook and Google don’t play nice and sync real-time anymore?
Calendar questions
ETA: if you have something that also works well with to-do lists like Wunderlist, I’m all ears!
Anon
You can mark things as private in Outlook so others can’t see what they are. If you’re busy enough that you need your assistant to manage your calendar, I wouldn’t bother dealing with two.
Lorelai Gilmore
I had to give up my Google Calendar because I could not get it to sync with Outlook at all.
Anonymous
I’m looking for an iphone app that will allow me to share a calendar and to-do list with my husband. Anyone have any recommendations? I only see apps for to-do lists, not both.
true
Cozi. Haven’t used it, but it’s supposed to be MAGICAL
Moonstone
I use Cozi and like it. It’s the only way my SO and I have been able to keep a calendar up-to-date. You have one family account with a shared password, and the app is good.
lucy stone
I just installed GSyncIt’s trial version at work and it is working…hallelujah!
Anonymous
Thank you for posting this, our campus uses Google as a platform, which I defaulted to, and we have a new Admin that is Team Outlook…and these systems need a mediator, or the admin needs to join the borg…
Equity's Darling
I really love these earrings. I would order them, but with duty/taxes/shipping, they come to $130 Canadian, which seems silly. How can it be costing Bloomingdales $30 to mail me earrings?? That’s not even kind of close- J.Crew always offered $10 shipping and clothes are bigger/heavier than earrings.
Sboplifter
The retailer doesn’t get to decide the rate for duties and customs.
That’s set by, like, actual sovereign nation-states.
First Year anon
She was comparing shipping, not the duties in the $30 vs. $10 comment.
Equity's Darling
I had no idea the government was involved in setting duties/taxes, that’s like, brand new information! Bloomingdales can’t control the federal government? Shocking.
Thank you for explaining to me the role of my, like, actual sovereign nation-state in setting duties and customs.
Anon
Canada possibly has J Crew Stores and no Bloomingdales?
Equity's Darling
We don’t have Bloomingdales, but J.Crew still had cheaper than$30 shipping before they opened stores here…and they still ship from the US to Canadians, I can see where my UPS packages originate.
Mpls
Is it possible that Jcrew is willing to eat the difference in cost to get people to order from Canada and Bloomingdale’s isn’t?
Michelle
it all depends on whether they are shipping from in country or not; if it has to individually clear customs that costs more than shipping from a store or warehouse already in Canada.
Equity's Darling
Eh, no- J.Crew ships from the US (Virgina somewhere?), so that can’t be the reason.
Nonny
I know, I’ve come across this sort of thing before too, and it’s shocking. I don’t really understand the reason for the difference, either. Could it be the carrier that the store is using? Even so, $30 on a pair of earrings is exorbitant. You must be able to find earrings like this in Holts or Birks. I wouldn’t pay the $30 on principle, even if the earrings cost me more to buy here.
Had a similar experience with Ann Taylor two weeks ago, when they refused to apply their 40% promotion to orders shipping to Canada, and their customer service actually had the nerve to tell me that they “don’t do” promotions on international orders. What the what? Like it isn’t enough that we have to pay exorbitant shipping and duties, we have to pay 40% more just because you can’t be bothered to let us take advantage of your sale? They lost me as a customer pretty quickly.
SuziStockbroker
Me too. I had $1000 worth of clothes in my cart the last time they had a 40% and then found out the sale did not apply. I called customer service a d was spoken to rudely.
I don’t bother going to their website any more, they’ve lost me.
Frou Frou
Their clothes are cr@p anyway, and have been since at least 1997. :)
Kitty
I would feel like an old lady wearing these earrings…then again I don’t like hoops and these have a hoop feel to them.
KittyKat
I saw your handle and had a momentary panic. I thought I had accidentally pocket posted or the like.
January
Your pocket is remarkably coherent!
Anonny
Ditto
Em
I don’t even get that; they look completely innocuous to me.
anon
I don’t like hoops and I don’t like huggies – for two different style reasons.
Work Help
Hello all, I work with a lot of incompetent people and thus I mark everything I do. Recently my boss brought a whole bunch of errors to me that weren’t my doing. I explained that I will gladly fix them, but all my work is marked and this wasn’t my doing. He then insisted I must have forgot to mark my work. The person who made the errors cannot be reprimanded because of who hired them. Am I just forever destined to take the fall for this person’s errors?
NYtoCO
I don’t have any suggestions but since no one has replied, this would be a great question for Ask A Manager.
tazdevil
” The person who made the errors cannot be reprimanded because of who hired them.”
Could you provide more details? Is this the CEO’s son or something?
Work Help
Pretty much exactly. I didn’t want to give too many details because it’s a fairly obvious situation to anyone I work with
Rachel
Can you try to separate some responsibilities or get involved on a project where it would be clear that you are doing your work correctly?
Anon
I have been struggling with increased anxiety caused by work-related issues lately. I have my first session (ever) with a therapist tomorrow. Apparently, it will be a diagnostic evaluation. I have no idea what to expect and am a little nervous about therapy in general. Any words of advice/wisdom?
Marie
Hey Anon, good luck tomorrow and big kudos for seeking help! I’m sure others will reiterate this but please don’t forget that if you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist for any reason – even if it’s just that you don’t “click” – you have the right to try as many therapists as possible til you find one who works for you. They won’t take it personally, it’s business.
The first couple sessions will likely just be the therapist getting to know you and trying to get a handle on what your issues are. I recently started seeing a therapist again after a 10 year hiatus, for reasons similar to yours. At my evaluation he wanted to know why I was there and I found that once I started talking things started tumbling out. The first session, he mainly listened and took notes, asking questions occasionally but mainly just letting me talk, and then explaining his approach to therapy. The second session was similar. About a month in, he now is more active in responding to what I say with questions that reframe the issue, challenge my thinking, or otherwise encourage me to look at something differently.
You should feel free to ask the therapists any questions you have, though just be aware that typically therapists don’t reveal many details about their own lives. But it’s definitely a space where you are allowed to ask questions about the process, the theories that inform the therapist’s approach, the strategies they use, etc.
What’s been really amazing for me is to have this space with someone who is totally nonjudgmental about the parts of my thinking that I feel are the most “crazed.” Like I’ll tell him both how terribly anxious I feel about something, and also how absurd I feel that I am having so much anxiety, and he gives me the space to feel both things, while also helping me address the anxiety in ways that are productive for me. There’s no kind of telling me to get perspective, or minimizing the feelings I have, and it’s very liberating. Whatever it is you’re seeking, I hope you find something that’s liberating for you too. Good luck!
Becky
Your first appointment is for the therapist to get to know you and your history of anxiety. They’ll ask about when these problems started, anything you’ve noticed that triggers it, how you try to manage it, etc. Try to relax and just be honest. Pauses before answers to gather your thoughts are okay. If you’re afraid you’ll forget to mention something, write it down ahead of your appointment so either you can remember to mention it or even just hand it to your therapist to read if you’re too nervous.
Marie
+1 to all of this, great advice
Anon
Thanks so much, Becky and Marie! I’m actually looking forward to it now.
Wildkitten
And don’t worry if you cry. That’s normal.
true
But the therapists always ask why you’re crying! Or why you “look tearful” or look like you’re about to cry…
It’ll be OK!!! You’re doing a good thing.
Marie
Not always! The one I’m seeing now just lets me cry and there are tissues right next to me that I can easily take. If anything he just acknowledges how intense the feelings I am having are, but he doesn’t make me feel weird about crying.
Anon, glad you are feeling less apprehensive. Let us know how it goes!
Divorced Parents/Holiday Drama
My parents split up about 6 years ago and the divorce was UGLY. They hate each other and literally do not speak anymore outside of legal settings.
My dad remarried relatively quickly after the divorce and moved to a different state. My mom is still single (though she would like to meet someone) and has no family nearby. As a result, I’ve pretty much always done holidays since the divorce with my mom, because a) she lives much closer to me and b) I don’t want her to be alone.
My dad was initially understanding about me not spending holidays with him but is now pressuring me to come stay with him and his wife for Thanksgiving. I told him that I would be happy to visit him on Friday & Saturday after Thanksgiving, but that I don’t want my mom to spend the holiday alone and my FI can’t travel for the holiday because of his work schedule. He’s now offering to drive to my state and take my fiance and I out for Thanksgiving dinner. I really don’t want him to do that, because it still leaves me with the same problem (my mom is alone). I told him that Thanksgiving would be to hard to coordinate this year with my FI’s work schedule, but that I’d come see him by myself in the days after. He’s now asking us to come to his state for Christmas or New Year’s if we can’t see him on Thanksgiving.
To complicate things more, my dad was incredibly rude to my fiance during our last visit with him, so both my fiance and I are somewhat hesitant to agree to another visit. He hasn’t really apologized for his behavior to me or my fiance (though I’ve asked him to), and the thought of spending the holidays with that elephant in the room between all of us is not appealing to me whatsoever.
Any input/ideas/suggestions? Or at least commiseration from others with similar problems?
Unicorn
Sounds like you just don’t want to see your dad. Maybe you could tell him, “I felt you were rude to FI last time and am hurt you haven’t apologized” and see what he says?
Divorced Parents/Holiday Drama
I have previously communicated that to him and he told me that I was overreacting. He’s always been nice to my FI in the 4+ years we were together (though they are very different people) and suddenly, “since we’re getting married now”, my dad feels like it’s okay for him to be extremely critical and questioning of my FI and our relationship. He’s taking on this overprotective father role that he has literally NEVER played before in my life and it’s very uncomfortable. I’ve told him I don’t appreciate it but he thinks he’s entitled to behave that way.
It got bad enough that I told him he doesn’t need to come to our upcoming wedding if he can’t be supportive of the wedding. He claims he is and says he’ll behave himself at our wedding next year but I’m not sure if I want to test the waters between him and FI over the holidays.
Wildkitten
I wouldn’t want to spend my holidays without someone who treated my SO like that either.
Rachel
I understand you wanting to spend holidays with your mother. I have a different situation in my family, but have encountered some of the same obstacles.
My grandma used to tell me something related to this that I have found to be really good advice… your family is your support system, the people you love to be around, the people who care about you and love you unconditionally. Just because you are related to someone by blood or marriage doesn’t give you any obligation to spend your time with them.
I have a brother who is so rude and hateful to me and I have just stopped seeing him. If it’s a big family thing with everyone there we are cordial, but there’s no reason for me to stress and get upset over someone that would have been long out of my life if we didn’t have the same dad.
If I were you, I’d point blank tell your dad how you feel about your relationship with him and that you want to spend time with your mom. Also… holidays are great and all but what is SO special about Thanksgiving day? Is going out to dinner with him on that day going to be that much more satisfying than any other day or is he just trying to take time away from you or your mom? Holidays are just another day. If people really care about one another and make each other a priority, they will see one another on other days anyway.
Just my thoughts :)
Anonymous
I think it’s ridiculous that because your mother has created a life for herself in which her options are: see daughter or day-of-epic-lonely-sadness that you never spend Thanksgiving with your father or partner’s family. She has so many options. Extended family. She could make friend (srsly. This is what single people do do they aren’t a burden). Volunteer. Travel.
I think you should go see you dad. Or at the least acknowledge that you could, don’t want to, and are choosing not to.
Alice
Agreed re your mother. You do not owe it to your mother to spend every single holiday with her.
And you do not owe it to your dad to spend holidays with him when it makes you uncomfortable. I think you and your fiance should have a talk about what YOUR ideal holidays look like, and proceed accordingly. At least for one holiday this season.
Also, what about fiance’s family? And I assume you are an only child?
Anonymous
+1000
true
Also – another choice from someone whose in-laws are divorced but live in the same city —
If you do end up seeing your dad for Tgiving *dinner,* guess what, you could spend Tgiving LUNCH or BRUNCH with your mom and split the day. One part of the family does NOT need to have the whole day.
Also — get used to this, and get used to also finding a holiday for Fiance’s family. Marriage changes some things (your dad’s attitude WHAT?!) but it will not make divorced parents magically be wonderful.
Anon
I think this is harsh. Nothing suggests that Mom is being needy, OP said she feels like she should spend the holiday with her and that sounds quite nice especially since the Dad sounds like a bit of a jerk who also has a spouse to spend the holiday with. There’s nothing wrong with looking out for someone who might be lonely on a holiday, and especially not when it’s your mother. Geez I’m glad I’m not related to the “fend for yourself” crowd on here.
Anonymous
I grew up with divorced parents who had a really ugly split. I truly think that you should do whatever suits you, and do not put yourself through anything unnecessary or unfortunate. Make your choices/desires/limits clear. Do not feel bad for your choice and try not to let others’ bad behavior bother you. I started doing this many years ago, and it ruffled a few feathers at first, but now everyone generally respects the boundaries and knows what to expect from me so there’s very little fallout when I don’t do what one of my parents wants.
Sunshine
But please have the courage (decency?) to call a spade a spade: either you are letting your mom manipulate you or you prefer time with your mom to time with your dad. Just call it like it is and quit hiding behind “don’t want her to be alone.” I promise: the world will not end, you will feel better for telling the truth and relations with your father can only prove when you are honest about stuff like this.
Not Welcome
I’m planning a work related event where someone is being honored. Said someone has been a real DOOSH during the whole process. I’m simply dreading the event..
My question – when he says (which i hope he does) “Thank you so much for everything”…what do I say? I cannot say “You’re welcome.” or “It was my pleasure” because that is a lie.
Suggestions? Thanks!
jen
I think saying “you are welcome” is a gracious way to respond without indicating that you enjoyed doing it. It seems a little childish just to not respond, but you certainly don’t need to say “it was my pleasure” or “happy to help” or even “no sweat.”
Senior Attorney
“You’re welcome” doesn’t mean anything. It’s a stock phrase, a formality, a pleasantry. Just say it and move on.
Or you could say “Well, it was tough but we made it through.” But why go there after the fact?
Oh, ETA I thought of something: If you absolutely must make a point of not saying the expected, polite thing, I think you could probably get away with a big smile and “just doing my job!” But really, it’s churlish to rain on the person’s parade if you didn’t stand up to him/her in the runup to the event.
phx
“I’m glad it worked out”?
Monday
Or just “congratulations”? It’s entirely generic and keeps the focus on him, rather than on your role, which it sounds like you’d like to avoid.
Anonymous
Get over yourself and say “you’re welcome.” It doesn’t mean “omg I loves you it was my pleasure to do this.” It means “I too am a grown up capable of participating in social pleasantries.
Srsly. It’s your only option.
Frou Frou
“I’m glad you enjoyed it.” Because y0u can find the zen-place where you’re gonna be kind to this d-bag, because you’re gonna be kind no matter what. ;)
Rachel
“I’m glad everything worked out.”
Sober Sally
[This was supposed to be a reply to Not Welcome…] I think you put on your big girl pants and say “you’re welcome.” I agree with others here that it’s just good manners and doesn’t mean anything except that you (perhaps unlike him) know how to be polite – making a big deal out of avoiding it seems very immature, and like you’re descending to this guy’s level. Also, you can’t always avoid unpleasantness, but you can control how you react to it, so why not practice being gracious with this.