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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 215 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: New Jeanne Jersey Wrap Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. New Jeanne Jersey Wrap DressI've been doing this blog a long time now (almost 7 years!) so I can say this with some authority: Saks Off Fifth has some of the lowest prices I've seen on DvF dresses. There's a good selection of prints and solids for her wrap dresses (Jeanne and Julian), most at $137, down from $398. I may remember seeing the dress in years past as low as $125, but that is rare — so if you like it, consider pulling the trigger today. Full disclosure: the wrap dress, while iconic, may not work for everyone — personally I'm not a fan of it and get a lot more wear out of dresses like the Bevin, Jori, or the April (now as low as $119), but that's me. The pictured dress is available in sizes 0-12 for $137. New Jeanne Jersey Wrap Dress Here are two plus-size options. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. Anon in Therapy

    Yesterday, my therapist asked me whether, when I get on my commuter bus, I assume that the other passengers think positive or negative things about me or whether they don’t notice me at all. I said negative to not at all, and he says this is not the way most people feel. My therapist also says I only view myself as successful if I am the very best at something, which leaves a lot of ways to fail and very few ways in which to be satisfied — and that again this is not typical, and most people are happy with being good and not being the best necessarily.

    The therapist, whom I generally like and respect, then said he thinks I have a variation on social anxiety disorder where I worry excessively about what others think of me (physically, intellectually, socially…in every regard), assume they think the worst, and see flaws in myself that I view as failures where others wouldn’t even know of them. I think he is probably right, but I am wondering:

    1 – any disagreement? Maybe many many people out there assume others notice and think negative things about all aspects of their personality and appearance and hang on to those thoughts? (Now that I type this, it does sound obsessive and abnormal….)

    2 – have any others been through this and come out better for it? how did you change your way of thinking to be kinder to yourself and more generous to others? And if you are by nature competitive and high-achieving, how do you adjust your expectations to be happy being okay, not the best?

    I will also discuss this with my therapist next week, and I assume meds are not the default treatment since he didn’t mention them, but I would like to start fixing myself today if possible.

    Thanks in advance!

    • Sydney Bristow

      I tend to think that people on the subway don’t notice me at all unless I’m in their way. If I’m feeling self conscious about how i look on a particular day, I sometimes think they are thinking negatively about me.

      I try to remind myself that I tend to not notice others on the train unless they are in my way or are doing something crazy. Occasionally I notice someone wearing a great coat or carrying a purse that I like. I try to remember that I rarely have negative thoughts about random strangers on the subway (again, unless they are doing something that is impacting my commute) and that others probably have similar thoughts. I never hang onto those thoughts once I get off the train unless they did something egregious and I assume other people are similar.

      • TO Lawyer

        I agree with this. With strangers, I usually only think positive thoughts unless there’s something really off and even if I think something negative, it’s usually fleeting.

        It sounds like you’re struggling with a lot. I would suggest working with your therapist to come up with some coping strategies. You deserve better than this.

        • Wildkitten

          When I see strangers on the metro I usually think thoughts like “Did I remember to turn my hair straightener off? I hope there are socks in my gym bag. I wonder what’s the special in the cafeteria for lunch today. This TSwift song is catchy!”

    • lawsuited

      I usually assume positive or not at all. I think it’s partially because I’ve always been a confident and optimistic person, but also because, as a lawyer working in an environment with high demands and sometimes brutal criticism, I’ve trained my brain to protect my sense of self by not letting the negative thoughts of others enter too much into my personal bubble. I used to practice positive self-talk a lot, but that comes naturally now. I still have to maintain my practuce of laughing off mean comments as rude.

      P.S. I will add that I think being plus-sized has actually helped my ability to do this. Because I have never met the common ideal of beauty, I was sort of forced to think about myself positively rather than wait for external approval of how I look.

    • Anonymous

      Omg girl. Girl. This message could not read more like a textbook case of social anxiety disorder if you tried. Stop. Stop seeking validation. Stop trying to fix yourself today. Listen to your therapist.

      Of course other people think this way. Because they are also anxious and insecure. They get through it by being open and honest in therapy and sometimes by taking medications. But please please do not try and crowd source your mental health. Especially since this type of post is exactly what the problem is.

      • Marjorie

        Not that what you say is necessarily wrong, but wow, your tone leaves something to be desired. Here is someone asking for help with what sounds like awful social anxiety, and you are voluntarily responding in a tone that says, “Shut up, you idiot.” Yeah, it’s the Internet, it’s the first amendment, it’s your right to say what you want in whatever tone you want, but geez.

        • anonymama

          I didn’t get that from her tone at all, I read it as more like, “friend, get a grip, this is not normal, listen to your therapist.” I think some people get in their own heads so much that it can sometimes help to have someone who does not buy into their anxieties (or share them) call them on it, that it is something in their heads and not a real thing to be anxious about. Like how people with eating disorders commiserate on how fat they think they are, or criticize their body parts, when a real friend might say, you are fine, that is not something you should worry about, you should tell that voice in your head to shut it.

    • Wildkitten

      There are meds for this. You may need to talk to a psychiatrist to get them (and to find out if they are right for you.)

      • la vie en bleu

        I would add to this that there are meds that can just take the edge off temporarily so that it’s easier to work on the problem. it doesn’t have to be a permanent thing.
        But I also want to agree somewhat with another thing above: the thought ‘I want to start fixing myself’ is symptomatic of this issue! please don’t obsess between appts about there being something wrong with you!!! instead spend the time practicing being kind to yourself and giving yourself a break! Sending hugs.

    • Anon

      1-I feel very similarly to you. I constantly think that people think the worst of me and see only my flaws, and this includes my friends, romantic partners and co-workers (I get rave reviews at work). That said, I know that I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for most of my life. I used to be incredibly socially anxious, but I learned how to mask it so that I function well in social situations- but the underlying anxiety is still there. For example, I’ll leave a gathering of friends or coworkers and instantly start to analyze any possible awkward thing I may have said, or anything that may have been taken poorly etc, etc. (being in my head is a nightmare, I realize as I write that). It seems so strange to me that everyone else isn’t constantly evaluating their own flaws, because this is the dark world I live in- and yet, I have a strong hunch that your therapist may be right. On the other hand, I think this sort of self-critique is more common in high achieving types.

      This was sort of rambling- but I guess my point is that a) you’re not alone BUT b) I don’t think that it’s necessarily “normal” and if it’s hurting you, you owe it to yourself to try to adjust your thought patterns. Good luck to you!!

      2-not much success but will be watching other’s responses.

    • Marie

      Question: Even if lots of others DO assume others notice and think negative things about them… will that change your calculus on how to proceed? If you are not happy with that aspect of your life and want to work with your therapist on changing it, that decision is yours to make…even if that aspect of your life is totally “typical” or something that lots of others experience…

      I usually assume that people are not thinking about me but I rarely think that others think negative things about me, especially strangers. However, there have been times in my life when that was not true and I assumed people were having negative thoughts about me. What I still struggle with is the second thing you posted: viewing myself as successful only if I am “the best,” as measured by some external measuring stick. Like you said, this leaves a lot of room for failure and few ways to be satisfied.

      I’ve been working with my therapist a lot on this latter issue… For me a lot of it has to do with finding a mental separation between “feelings/perceptions” and “facts,” and thinking about the meaning(s) that I attach to facts or events in the world, and why. I have also had to learn to be more mindful so that I can recognize when I have a bad feeling, identify it, and remind myself that it is just a feeling, not necessarily a true thing. For example if I read a job description for a job that I’m not qualified for I would frequently have an automatic feeling of being ashamed. But if I take the time to remember that the /fact/ that Employer X is looking for a person with XYZ skills, and the /fact/ that I do not have those skills, does not /mean/ that I am therefore a failure or inadequate or whatever… it just means I might not get hired, not that I’m therefore a worthless person (orwhatever). It’s just a small stupid example, but for me, thinking those negative thoughts or having negative feelings about myself is often a gut reaction so it’s been really helpful to practice being more mindful or self-aware so that I can recognize and curb those feelings.

      Also recognizing that being happy being “okay” doesn’t mean I am not still doing *my* best or trying *my* hardest, just that I am allowed to work hard, do my best, and be happy, even if I am not *the best* according to someone else. Thinking of it not as a downgrade, but as giving myself permission to live the life I want at all times.

      I would also recommend checking out “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown or some of her ted talks. I think a lot of high achieving women (and others) have a lot of underlying shame. I found reading her book to be very cathartic.

      Finally, something that has been really really important for me has been expanding my friend group and network to include people with a diversity of different life experiences. Growing up in a very stratified private school, private college, and fancy graduate school I was exposed to a very narrow range of “acceptable” lives and definitions of what it meant to be successful. Before I would think “well other people can live their lives in whatever way they want, but for me, it has to be like ____”… But recently I’ve found more role models who I admire who have different perspectives on what’s important, and even though I’m not changing careers or anything, it just makes me feel like I have a wider menu of acceptable options, and it’s liberating.

      • Anon

        Seconding Brene Brown’s work. I find that shame underpins a lot of my anxiety.

        • Emily

          I need to revisit Daring Greatly, but I really liked The Gifts of Imperfection for the reframing the thoughts OP mentioned.

    • AN

      I don’t think that people notice me and I don’t usually notice them, unless they’re very well dressed, or very sloppy. And I honestly don’t care what some random stranger on he street is thinking of me. As my cousin once said….chances are you’ll never see them again, so who cares?

    • You are great as you are

      “I would like to start fixing myself today if possible.”

      This is not a matter of fixing yourself, more a matter of accepting yourself as you are. You are great and others can see and feel your goodness.

      • Anon

        +1. Don’t try to outrun the anxiety. Accept whatever feelings you’re feeling.

    • (Former) Clueless Summer

      I am surprised by your post and surprised by the replies, honestly. I think the same way you do, constantly assuming people are thinking negatively of me (normally connected to physical appearance, but often other things as well) or not at all. I assume this on the subway, at work, on the street…I don’t particularly think there is anything wrong with this or that I need to be medicated, because objectively, I am doing pretty well in life. After most social interactions, I assume people now have a negative impression of how silly, awkward, ugly or [insert bad thing here] I am.

      I’m not sure how helpful that is. But I also think you should consider whether you want to be medicated for this. Maybe this is something you can deal with through therapy, as you appear to have been doing.

      • Anonymous

        If you consider going through life assuming everyone thinks negatively of you is doing pretty well, that’s sad. Really heartbreakingly sad. It’s not about needing to be medicated. You do you. But you don’t have to live like this and it’s not normal.

    • Hmmn, maybe me too, but I DGAF

      I HATE being mediocre. I only like being the best. Anytime I am less than that I absolutely assume other people are thinking negative things about me. Most of the time I DGAF because I can only do what I can do, but like you I always assume that people think less about me. People on the train (frumpy, ugly – DGAF), people at work (lazy, unmotivated), etc. Will have to read more about it – I feel like an aggressively DGAF attitude isn’t good either.

    • Anon

      On transit I tend to think people don’t notice me, no positive or negative implications, just that I’m realistic and I know people are focusing on themselves and I’m just a warm body in a seat. I also don’t really notice people unless they are exceptionally stylish or smell very strongly. In terms of academic and intellectual things I definitely notice good work and unless you state something straight out wrong I won’t notice. I used to care about being perfect but I realized it just made people hate me. Now I’m okay with being okay and I’m happily married with pets and friends, things I never would have been able to have if I maintained that standard of perfection.

    • OttLobbyist

      I don’t tend to assume that people are thinking negative things, but more so that it is a not at all thing, which I find more of a commentary on society than on me. People can’t even be bothered to notice good or bad things about the people around. In terms of settling on being okay, I think about the effort, and thought, and work I put into something as determining whether or not I am successful, and less on a relative comparison of being “the best”. If my efforts and work were good, and they didn’t result in a non-recoverable failure, I must be pretty awesome!

    • AMB

      I used to think that those around me were very likely to notice me until I had a time of having terrible skin issues which I thought were unbelievably noticeable but no one ever seemed to pick up on/comment on. Since then I have revelled in relatively anonymity, though I’ve recently had a number of people say they think they know me from wandering around the neighbourhood, which I find a bit disturbing.

    • Anon

      I went through a period of severe social anxiety as a part of a depressive episode in college. I felt that everyone only liked me when I was at my best or perfect; if I wasn’t witty, fun, and socially “on” (because I could barely get out of bed) then my friends would be completely uninterested in hanging out with me. Likewise, in work/class environments, I felt that if I couldn’t be the smartest in the room, then my professors or colleagues would dismiss me. What I found out (thanks to medication and therapy) is that the person who only liked me when I was perfect was me, and that people still liked me when I felt sad, sick, or just not as bubbly as normal. I also found out that my professors and colleagues still thought I was smart and competent when I did not have every answer. I still have anxiety about what people (colleagues, superiors, friends) think of me and I am still amazed sometimes at how mismatched my expectations are compared to others. I’ve learned to tell myself that no one expects perfection, to look at my success objectively, and to give myself breaks/be kind to myself. I am so much happier – your therapist sounds like they are asking the right questions. Please, please be open to hearing what he/she saya and seeing it not as “fixing yourself,” but being kinder to yourself.

      • LilyS

        Anon, I found myself wondering if I’d written this when reading it! I felt so alone at the time but have since learned how common these feelings are.

    • ScienceAnon

      So, very gently, I’d like to suggest that your emphasis on what “everyone else” thinks, feels, and experiences is another facet of your social anxiety. I would argue that it’s not helpful to benchmark yourself to everyone else’s experiences, and instead focus on what makes you feel more comfortable. When dealing with similar thoughts and fears myself, I’ve found that the following things really help:
      1) when I find myself being nasty/negative about others, I mention to myself that it’s a reflection of my own bad mood/low blood sugar/impatience/etc. It’s not them. It’s me.
      2) mindfulness meditation. Every day.
      3) reminding myself that I don’t love my loved ones because they’re the objective best at things. I love them because they are uniquely themselves and getting to experience other people deeply is one of the best things about being human.
      4) watching others with the “best or bust” mentality tear themselves to shreds because there is only ever one hottest, youngest, richest person and they are no longer it.
      In conclusion, DFW really nailed it when he said “If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you…Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they’re evil or sinful, it’s that they’re unconscious. They are default settings…The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.”

    • CMC

      Not sure if this will help you specifically, but one of the best things my therapist ever told me was to watch out for the word “should.” Basically, if I was telling myself X should be Y way, I was either judging myself (not helpful, need to be kind/supportive of myself) or judging others (which I have no control over), neither of which was actually helping me handle X. Her advice was that whenever I heard “should” in my mind, to stop and re-evaluate the situation (especially feelings vs. facts, as another poster mentioned). It was a very helpful buzzword to bring my attention to those thoughts.

      • gingersnap

        After years of putting way too much pressure on myself (usually when trying to do things perfectly while I was just learning *how* to do them at all) I now have the voice of one of my mentors stuck on repeat in the back of my head. Her two things she always tells me? “Be gentle with yourself” and “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself.”

    • anonnypants

      I too struggle with this, and it is actually helpful to hear it described as social anxiety rather than depression, because I don’t exactly feel depressed, I just way over weight my flaws and way discount my abilities (similar to PP anon at 10am). And I too find it so confusing that other people’s brains don’t work this way and that other people don’t see me the same way I do, but it does seem to be true. I would encourage you to try not to think of it as yet another flaw and something else you are failing at (which is a trap I fall into often and not very helpful).

      Not sure about the fixing it – still working on that myself, but it occurs to me lately (and as I write this) that all the practice in identifying a problem (the flaw you see – even if no one else does) and then developing and executing a plan to fix it (which seems like your MO, as it is mine, judging from the “let’s get going on fixing this” tone of your post) is actually a valuable skill and likely the same one that is so successful when applied to outside problems.

      I suspect the trick is to develop the ability to turn the focus off or down sometimes. If that focus is on all the time, it makes sense that when it is not engaged in some external project, it lands on the thing you know best – your own weaknesses. If you can turn it off, you are not doing the eval on yourself to find the flaws, so the disconnect with external reality is irrelevant – it’s not that you wouldn’t find all the problems if you looked, just that you are able to choose not to look at yourself that way all the time. So maybe the accepting idea would be a better way to think about it – though then you have to fix your inability to accept :-) Or maybe if you scheduled set times or components of yourself to evaluate like once a week I am going to evaluate my social interactions for the week, or in January I am going to work on improving the way I dress but nothing else (I am thinking out loud here so may be a little too artificial but would fit the problem-solution framework)

      I recently summarized my abilities in a review with my primary mentor as being good at making things work and making other people’s ideas better. I thought of this as a failure because I felt like it meant I didn’t have primary ideas of my own and he pretty much thought my skills were awesome and that I was succeeding wildly and I was crazy for feeling like a failure. I am apparently well on track to being a full professor at a fancy-schmancy medical school and I really like my job, and yet I still find it hard to not feel like a failure and I can tell you all the reasons this is not really such a big deal and all the things I could do better and other people have done better. So I clearly need to work on this too and if anyone has any great ideas, I’d love to hear them.

      Writing this down has actually been helpful and I appreciate this forum for being a safe place to share and learn.

    • countc

      I would suggest that you throw out the words normal and abnormal. What should be important, or what is important to me now (thanks to lots of therapy) is whether I am happy, whether I am doing my best, and how I feel about myself (not others). There is no normal or abnormal – society has defined it, but I refuse (or do my best to anyway) subscribe to being either normal or abnormal. I am me, CountC, and that is good enough.

      I also agree with those who have said you do not need fixing. No person needs fixing IMO – if you want to better yourself, by all means go for it, or if you are unhappy and struggling to cope with what is going on with your life, then yes, learn different coping mechanisms or try to get to the bottom of why you are unhappy. But you aren’t broken. You aren’t a robot with parts that can actually break, you are a human being with thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants. and that is A-okay!

      I used to, and still do sometimes, put an enormous pressure on myself to live up to unreasonably high standards. This created a lot of anxiety and, coupled with depression (both of which run in my family), made me a hot mess unable to accept that I was good enough and consequently, caused me to put others first in a variety of facets of my life leaving me miserable and unhappy.

      After a lot of therapy exploring why I felt like I needed to live up to these unreasonable expectations (spoiler alert, a lot of it is based in your childhood experiences), I now do my best to reframe my thinking as “am I doing my best in this situation given the circumstances” or “did I try my hardest” or “am I happy with my work/how I look/my fitness level, etc.” It’s not about what other people thinking of me because generally speaking, most people don’t think about me at all! I do believe that the majority of folks really are thinking about themselves and what is going on in their immediate sphere most of the time instead of those around them.

    • anon

      I could have written this five years ago. I would sometimes go to the bathroom at work and cry, fixated on the fact that my clothes didn’t quite fit right and everyone was judging me. Even just walking through the hallways at work was an exercise in torture because I would obsess about whether or not to greet someone if I had already seen them in a meeting, should I say “hello” or just nod, etc. It was horrible being inside my own head. I knew that it wasn’t rational, and yet, I couldn’t escape it.

      Once I left a store in tears because I couldn’t decide on the right workout top. I would hold the top in my hand, get in line, put it back, walk out of the store, go back in… I just couldn’t make decisions because everything carried so much weight.

      For me, meds made all the difference. I was so reluctant to try them. I wanted to fix the problem myself. If I could change one thing in my life, it would be to go back in time and go on meds sooner. I wasted so many years drowning in anxiety and worry, and going on a very small (25 mg) dose of an SSRI changed my entire life.

      I didn’t become this crazy, happy, zombie. I still feel things. But the anxiety, the ceaseless worry — that is all gone. And I can live my life at last with purpose and intention instead of as a slave to the voices in my head.

      The most important thing is to recognize that this is not something about you that needs fixing. You are wonderful just as you are. The problem is that you can’t see it.

      All the best to you with your treatment.

    • Same Boat

      Just wanted to say hang in there. You basically described me: a perfectionist with a bad case of social anxiety. It’s a rough combination, and I always feel like a work in progress in terms of conquering it (or at least taking positive steps forward). Some things that have helped me: (1) medicine. I take a medicine every day that helps with just everyday anxiety and it’s one with no bad side effects. I take an extra one before very stressful situations (cocktail parties, conferences where I don’t know anyone, etc.); (2) know your strengths and try to control situations. I know I’m better in small groups, one-on-one lunches, and seated dinners, so I’m more likely to say “yes” to those events and also more likely to suggest them. I know that cocktail parties, or any stand-up social functions are very hard for me, so I try to work on a buddy system if at all possible for these; (3) think about the worst case scenario. I know that sounds like the opposite of positive thinking, but sometimes if you take the anxious thought a little further, you can reduce it’s impact. Ok, what if strangers are looking at you and judging you negatively? They are strangers. You will probably never see them again, and they are pretty terrible people if they go around thinking that sort of thing about people, so you probably shouldn’t put a lot of value in their thoughts.

      I also set impossibly high standards for myself. In a way, this is a positive thing, because it keeps you on your toes. I will never be happy with being ok – period – but I try to approach mistakes as opportunities to learn and do better. That sounds rote, but if you think about it, mistakes really can help you be better, because they teach you to anticipate things you didn’t anticipate before, and they also give you an opportunity to fix things and develop strategies for that. I’m probably the worst person to be giving advice on this point, though.

      As I think others have said, don’t try to fix it today – that’s the perfectionist in you talking! I’ve been there, too. Like I said, I think of myself as a work in progress. Hang in there, and I hope you find some strategies that work for you. You aren’t abnormal, and please know that you’re not alone. :)

    • lucy stone

      I have anxiety disorder. I did not always. When I rode public transit in law school, my thoughts were almost always like the above posters (did I turn my straightener off? will I get called on in torts? I hope we can have drinks on the patio tonight) but if they were about someone else, it was usually nice (that Target lady has a pretty scarf, I like that man’s shoes, General Mills guy is happy today). One way I can tell my anxiety is starting to flare up is if I walk into a social situation and think people are thinking mean thoughts about me.

    • Anonforthis

      Another person who’s been through this, and still struggle with it in some ways. I did get meds, to treat an ADHD diagnosis that my therapist thought was contributing to my anxiety. But, in my understanding as a patient (definitely not a professional!), this is a classic case for CBT therapy. Meditation can also help – for me, it’s played a big role in making me more comfortable feeling negative emotions rather than trying to avoid them. Turns out, avoiding them doesn’t work in the long term and just contributes to an anxiety spiral because any minor setback triggers memories of all the stuff I was trying to avoid feeling/thinking about.

      As others have said, this has helped me in some ways, by making me hold myself to very high standards professionally. But it has also hurt me, not only emotionally, but also in my career, since I have missed deadlines and otherwise held myself back due to my anxieties about others’ judgment. The trick has been to keep setting high goals for myself while cutting myself more slack if I don’t get there on my first try.

    • Idea

      I’ve been through similar therapy work.
      It’s about noticing yourself – hey, I’m judging that person, and assuming they’re judging me. So, what if they are? I’m judging them – and I’m OK. And being OK is what’s important. Maybe I can give them the benefit that they’re OK , too. But the most important is that I think that I’m all right with what I’m thinking and doing, and thinking more about myself and my reaction than thinking about what they could be possibly thinking about me, which I’ll never know and never be able to control.

      The therapy work is about identifying feelings, and thoughts, and know the difference and causes and effects.

    • Emma

      I understand where you’re coming from, and used to think a lot like you do. I don’t know one specific thing that worked for me, but I tend to agree with your therapist — most people don’t notice each other all that much.

      I would add that, for myself, I’ve come to accept that people won’t like me all the time. It’s only natural that, living in this world, we’ll find each other annoying at times. I have mostly gotten to the point that I don’t really care that much. And that is very freeing. Thinking back over my life, there have been a lot of people who annoyed me when I had a lot of close interaction, but now that I have distance, I have only good thoughts. In essence, it’s all part of life.

      I also keep in mind something that I once read attributed to Anthony Hopkins, which is basically the notion that: “If you have an opinion about me, it’s none of my business.” Because really, if you’re doing something that bothers another person, odds are that the annoyance is more about them than it is about you. I can say that, when people annoy me, it’s more about me and my preferences than about them doing something wrong.

  2. cocoa

    What a gorgeous dress! And, fabulous price. I am not a DvF (or any designer-savvy) girl, but what a great find. If I weren’t on a spending ban, I’d snatch this dress up quick. I like the Bevin too, but wish they had my size in the gray. I would love to own one of these one day.

    This is probably a thing for this-s i t e technicians, but lately, (the last 2 days), there’s been some kind of redirect if I try to click to open up a post, my organization’s spamware won’t let the page open. Our filter catches “streaming media” and that’s what this is getting caught up in. I can open dub dub dub corpor e t t e dot com with no problem, but if I try to click on an entry to read comments, I get caught in this redirect. Something about “vindicosuite” is getting caught by our web filter. My workaround is to enter the entire name of the post into the nav bar, and through trial & error I found that works without getting caught up, but I can’t click through posts on the main page, etc, unless I open them in a new tab. Maybe it’s just something wonky on my end.

    • Anon

      Having the exact same issue. I’ve been unable to log in except using the data on my phone. My work filter is catching it as adware.

      • Kat G

        Hmmmn — a) can one of you email me the exact URL that you’re being redirected to? Sometimes there is info in the URL that we can track. It would be greatly appreciated if you could fill out a tech report by clicking the link below the comment box (I forget what other info we need — browser, device maybe — it isn’t a very long form.) Second, do you happen to remember what ads were on screen? Was it Sephora or something else? Thank you.

  3. B

    OK, I have a question for the group.

    I’m 12 weeks pregnant (today!) due Oct 1st. We’re just now starting to tell immediate family. I’m still trying to hide it at work, but due to a combination of fibroids and my build (5’5″, 135 lbs before pregnancy, fine boned but curvy) I’m not sure how long that is going to work.

    I’ve been really nervous about continuing to get good assignments. I was so thrilled last Friday when my supervisor came by and gave me a great one! Timeline is a big milestone around July 1 and deadline Sept 30. It’s a group project that I’ll be leading.

    Because the timeline is so tight against my due date, part of me wants to go ahead and tell so we can work on adjusting the project timeline in a reasonable way. (I’m thinking some interim milestones, and pulling the deadline forward a little). The other part of me is still reluctant to tell – I’m afraid the project will be taken away. I don’t have a specific reason for this fear – I have a great boss – but it is a very male work environment, and I’m just nervous.

    We’re reviewing the project plan today or tomorrow so I really appreciate your advice!!

    • HSAL

      I think you need to tell now. I’m not sure how drop-dead that deadline is but I’ve found that it’s more likely that deadlines get pushed back than met early. Go in with a plan that tries to rearrange some deadlines, but I’d also suggest another coworker who can help you out – not take over from you, but things can happen and you want to make sure everything is covered.

      Of course, this could also be field-dependent.

    • Anonymous

      I would tell him. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he’ll do the right (and lawful) thing. If he takes the project away because you are pregnant, I would document and report this to HR.

      You are going to have to tell at some point, and if you let this meeting go without giving all the information you have about the deadline (AND you are already 12 weeks, so no pass because its early), he might feel like you deliberately withheld important information.

      • Batgirl

        I would just disagree that 12 weeks doesn’t qualify as early enough to withhold the information from your boss. Many doctors consider 14 weeks to be the second trimester milestone, and many forget how common miscarriage is (so sorry to plant that seed in OP’s head!) so I think it is totally the woman’s right to withhold that information because it is early at this point. That doesn’t mean one shouldn’t or can’t share at that point, but it is still pretty early in the pregnancy.

        • Idea

          +1
          Set up an appointment with your supervisor in, say, 3 weeks, and talk about it then. You’ll be feeling better, more confident, in different ways, and ready to plan.

    • Shayla

      Having been burned very recently by “paying it nice” with planning projects around my delivery/maternity leave, I am very much against helping them plan this far in advance. I’m sure it’s a know your office/project, but I don’t know what they would gain with another month’s notice. And, you don’t want it to sound like you’re willing to not take the project. Work like normal, and when you do announce at work, don’t let them take your project away.

      • Maddie Ross

        100% same response. Yes, maternity leave is something you (personally) see coming, but most other health reasons for being out for an extended period you don’t. Work hard, carry on as normal, announce when you want, and plan accordingly for the deadline. Don’t invite trouble unnecessarily now.

      • Diana Barry

        +1, keep it quiet as long as you can. FWIW I wasn’t able to wait longer than 13 weeks since I was showing, but you can probably soldier on for 2 more weeks.

  4. Up and away

    Has anyone ever moved abroad for no reason at all? I’m currently working in my office’s headquarters in NYC, but would like a change of scenery/life and am considering re-locating to the London office. This isn’t more convenient for work nor would I be moving there for a relationship/family/friends – I just want to try something new. I don’t have any other obligations tying me down here (e.g., relationship or kids). Is this crazy? Has anyone ever done this? I’d love to hear people’s experiences!

    • Wildkitten

      Do it. I have two friends who have done this in the past two years and they are both loving it.

    • Zelda

      A close friend moved to London and loves it. He’s been there for 2 years now and is having a fabulous time.

    • anonymous

      YES! I did this and moved to a country off the beaten path I’d never visited before. Incredible experience, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

    • Bonnie

      I lived abroad for a few years after college and it was the best experience of my life.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Not to another country, but I moved across the country to nyc just because I wanted to. I hadn’t ever visited here or knew anyone who lived in the city or anywhere nearby. I definitely have no regrets. I vote do it!

    • emeralds

      I have, although I did have what I think is a pretty danged good reason–wanting to live abroad again before I knuckled down and got serious about grad school and my career :) So I obviously don’t think it’s crazy and am 100% behind your desire to move. You will learn so much about yourself, America, and another part of the world by doing this. GO.

    • Pretty Primadonna

      I would love to do this if I had the chance. Encouraging you to go!

    • LondonLeisureYear

      We moved to London due to my partner’s job but were given the choice about it. We were ready to have a change, wanted an adventure before having kids, and wanted to be closer to other countries for traveling. I love the move, but one suggestion I have is finding a therapist or good support network of friends for the move. There is a lot of stress for any move and a lot of adjustments. The America to London move actually has the largest “fail” rate of all USA to other country moves. I think people assume the cultures will be very similar, but there are a lot of little differences that you get thrown off by it. Even if you are not married I would suggest you read “A Broad Abroad: The Expat Wife’s Guide to Successful Living Abroad” or any other book by that author. Which discusses the totally normal bought of depression that people go through 3-4 months into an international move. I don’t regret our move, I love living in London, however it has taken a lot of energy and time this year to make it work, and that was with a company that moved us, with a company that provided a social support group to answer our questions, and with a company that helped us find housing etc. I also am not a newbie to international travel, I was born in Zimbabwe etc so this is not the opinion of someone for example that has never left their state. If you do move to London I can give you a ton of advice/answer any questions!

    • Roman Holiday

      Do it! I’ve lived abroad for about two years now and no regrets. I moved after grad school (not a lawyer) so it was likely I would have relocated anyways, but it was a big jump (West Coast US to Western Europe). Unless you’re leaving behind some fabulous opportunity, if you get to London (or wherever) and decide you don’t like it, you’re only a plane ticket and moving expenses away from coming back. Good luck!

    • Anonymous

      Do it. This is actually the best time when you have nothing holding you back and the support to make the move

    • Spirograph

      Do it. I lived in England for 2 years for no reason other than that I could. It was fantastic. I would move abroad again in a heartbeat if I didn’t have young kids or were wealthy enough that frequent transatlantic flights to visit family weren’t an issue.

    • SuziStockbroker

      Yes, yes, do it!!!

      This sounds like a perfect time, and you only live once.

    • la vie en bleu

      Do It. and then I will sit over here being super jealous. Most people don’t get opportunities like that that make a move easy, take advantage!!

    • PDXK

      Do it! And feel free to reach out with specific questions about London if/when you do. I know there are a few of us on here who’ve done just that and would be happy to take you out for drinks over here!

    • Up and away

      Thanks for your responses all! Good to know I’m not crazy and lots of folks have done it :)

    • Rosie

      I know a few people who have done it. And when I was in my mid 20s I also moved to Europe for a year. It was a great experience and I highly recommend it.

      I would, however, recommend that you do enough research to find things to do and people to befriend that will help you transition. It can be lonely at times after the initial excitement wears off.

  5. Diana Barry

    Ladies – how do you deal with stinky suit jackets?

    I just got one of my jackets dry-cleaned and then wore it once and it is stinky again! Probably didn’t get de-stinkified all the way when it was cleaned. If you ask the cleaners to clean the inside instead, is that a thing? Anything I can do to it (other than hanging it separately, which I am doing) to make it less stinky?

    • Mpls

      Well – what kind of stinky is it?

      BO-stinky like it didn’t get cleaned properly? I’d probably try wet washing it (yes, you can do this with wool suits) or getting it cleaned somewhere else. Maybe a vodka spray on the lining?

      Chemical-stinky? Let it air out. Maybe all the solvent didn’t properly evaporate. Use a baking soda sachet to neutralize the smell.

      • Diana Barry

        Yes, like they didn’t clean it all the way. Grr. This is the second cleaner I’ve tried, too, and they are more expensive. I will see if I can dig up some vodka from somewhere. :)

          • Lizochka

            Yes to this. I have one jacket from Elizabeth and James that I have called my “armpit jacket” because I can’t seem to unstink it. I don’t have this problem with other blazers and I wear one every day, so if the problem was my drycleaner, my deodorant, or my personal hygiene, I would know about it.

            Adding in underarm guards helps a bit, but you should think it through:

            – guards will leave white lint all over whatever you’re wearing under the jacket

            – you’ll want to keep the jacket on, as showing your sweaty underarm guards is more than a little embarrassing, at least for me

      • la vie en bleu

        the vodka spray thing has worked surprisingly well for me on these kind of smells. I did have to really saturate the fabric more than I thought, but the next day the smells were really gone. It kind of blew me away.

    • new anon

      You might try wet-washing it inside-out, by hand, with special attention to the underarm areas (which I assume is where it stinks). Be careful to not agitate the whole thing too much or to rub the outside against itself (if it’s wool). This is risky, but if the jacket’s unwearable anyway, you don’t have much to lose.

    • tesyaa

      OK, I am not going to tell you to wear dress shields (because you couldn’t pay me to wear them, having done so in my younger days), but there is such a thing.

      (ETA: I reread and see that the problem is most likely due to the cleaners -I’d advise switching to a different establishment).

    • Suit liner

      I’ve started putting an underarm guard in my jackets. I read about it in a couture sewing book. Basically it’s a square of fabric that matches the lining and attaches inside with snaps. I can take them out after each wear and launder and then have the jacket dry cleaned as normal. It works great in the summer for sleeveless dresses and jackets.

  6. anonymous

    I’m very frustrated with my career- how junior I am, how much I make, prospects for moving up in my organization these days are not great. I’m not that old and this just comes with the territory, I recognize. So I’m doing all I can to develop my skills and it’s not like I think the situation is unfair. Besides focusing on getting better at my job, what can I do to be less bothered by this? I think an exacerbating factor is that people who entered the workforce even just a few years before I did have had it much, much easier in my profession due to economic conditions, which I accept most of the time, but is frustrating at other times.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House

      I wonder if it would help to get involved in industry networking groups? It could introduce you to more opportunities, teach you skills that your employer will find useful and at least make you feel not so alone.

    • Wildkitten

      Focus on the things you have control of – like how you’re building your skills – rather than the things you can’t control – like how long you’ve been in the industry.

    • skim latte

      You must be in law. Are you able to network and look for a better position at an organization where you have better prospects for moving up? My pay and position are not great, but my organization has a good track record of promoting people and giving raises and that helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

      • Mpls

        Eh – this can be a pretty universal situation. It’s not limited to the law.

  7. definitely anon for this

    I noticed a small bump on my lady parts yesterday and went to the doctor this morning. It looks like there’s a good chance that I have herpes; test results won’t be back for 48 hours but my doc wants me to go on antivirals now. Obviously this sucks, but what I really want is tips for handling this conversation with my boyfriend. We won’t be able to see each other in person until Saturday, but are going to talk on the phone tonight; I’ve just said I want to talk about a medical thing. But I have no idea how to handle this. It sucks but I really am not that stressed out about what is really a minor, potentially-recurring medical blip, but I am stressed out about talking to him about it. Anyone have experience with something like this?

    • Anonymous

      Yo, boyfriend, I might have herpes. Test results in a couple of days. You should probably get tested.

      • Super common?

        When my boyfriend and I decided to go condom free we went to an free clinic in Chelsea to get tested for everything. They told us that herpes was so common (and sometimes silent, sometimes not) that they weren’t even going to bother testing us for it.

        • anon a mouse

          Whaaaat? Seems like that sort of defeats the point of going to get tested, yes?

          • Anonymous

            It’s true though. Herpes is incredibly common and they don’t test for it unless you specifically request.

          • boston anon

            They also don’t automatically do a blood test for it because you can have HSV 1 or 2 orally (people just call this cold sores, but it IS the herpes virus) and a much larger percent of the population has oral herpes. If you test positive, they really don’t know which one it is if you aren’t showing symptoms either orally or genitally.

        • definitely anon for this

          I’ve heard this from my health care providers as well. I get a full battery of STI tests every year with my annual lady-exam but have never been tested for HSV before, for exactly this reason.

        • Anon

          Same thing for me. If you’ve never had an outbreak and have no reason to suspect you have it (ie, have a partner with HSV that you’ve been having unprotected s3x with) they won’t test you unless you truly insist. The thinking is that so many people have the virus (esp HSV-I, which can present g3nitally or orally), the chance is high that you have it, what good will knowing do (if you’ve never had an outbreak)? Knowing the virus is present in your system can’t give you any info about your likelihood of transmitting it, how active the virus is in your body, etc.

          • la vie en bleu

            oh yeah, and the other reason my doc said they don’t test is that using c0nd0ms doesn’t necessarily prevent you from transmitting anyway, so since there’s not much you can do to prevent transmitting there isn’t really a point to knowing if the virus is present. It’s the same reason they haven’t developed tests for most of the HPV strains that are low-risk. There’s nothing you can really do anyway, so why bother.

        • la vie en bleu

          my doctor told me that the test doesn’t always work if it’s dormant anyway, so that is why they don’t test. They do however make last-minute appts if there is a visible spot and tend to diagnose more by the visual than the test.

    • Anon-2

      I got a positive blood test for herpes years ago… right as I was starting to date a really great guy. (Later, another dr said she would never have given me that blood test because >50% of the population tests positive on it without ever having symptoms).

      I told. And he said, Ok, I’m going to have to think about it. (Which was really hard to hear). Then the next day he was OK with it. So be ready to give him a little processing time… and hugs.

      • definitely anon for this

        Thank you for sharing your experience. I really hope my situation ends up okay as well–I just love my boyfriend and see a future for us, and I’m so scared that he’s going to freak out. Although I keep telling myself that if he’s the kind of person who would lose it over this (when there’s a non-zero chance I got it from him; I know symptoms can be dormant for years but it’s been a year and a half since I had another partner) then he’s not the person I want to build a life with anyway.

    • Medical Stuff

      I don’t have advice for your specific question but I want to throw one thought out there. Look up Hidradenitis Superativa. It is a very rare disease that causes bumps/cysts in genital areas (and in armpits and under boobs) that is very frequently misdiagnosed as an STI or something else. Very few doctors are knowledgeable with this disease. I have it (very mildly thank God) and the first dermatologist thought I had MRSA and put me on super high dose antibiotics when that wasn’t the case at all. While most people present with many bumps I had just one deep reoccuring one that caused a cyst under the skin that would eventually come to the surface and break. I had it surgically removed several times and now I’m doing some alternative treatments. If it turns out you have HS (which there is no actual test for, just ruling out all the other stuff) I’d be happy to talk with you off site about it.

      • Anonforthis

        This is interesting. I have “cysts” that occur and last several weeks, some small, some big, in a few spots that come and go. I assumed they were ingrown hair, but they get much larger than ingrown hair. I wonder if they could be HS? I have never been checked for anything…I just deal with them as they come.

    • Anonymous

      Big Hug!! Before getting to the tough conversation, are YOU ok? Herpes isn’t a horrid STI but it still sucks and its sucks to be diagnosed. Yes, approximately 50% of the population has it, but it is not fun to be the one to be told and diagnosed with symptoms. Whatever else you do, take care of yourself right now and give yourself time to process. The antivirals have greatly improved over the last ten years. I have been there. I have also had the tough conversation.

      As for the tough conversation, first, get yourself informed so that you can pass on some of that information. Second, in my experience, some people will react like princes and wonderfully, and some will be jerks, and I couldn’t always predict who would fall into what category before hand. A straight-forward conversation is the best way to go. Give him time to process. However your guy responds is not necessarily a reflection on you or how others will respond. It is hard but you will be fine!

    • Anon for this

      DH disclosed his herpes before we got together (late 80s, when it was less common and there were not really antivirals) and it was fine. He thought the discussion would be hard, but it wasn’t as far as I was concerned. We were reasonably careful for years but certainly not protected much of the time; I eventually had my first noticeable outbreak after we had been together 22 YEARS. So he or your other partners in the future might never get it.

  8. Bonnie

    Love love love DVF wrap dresses and snagged two in this sale. I do prefer the Juliane to the Jeanne but have both. They wear great. I’ve had a few for years with no signs of wear. They do run small so size up.

  9. AN - need friendship advice

    Ladies, about 15 months ago, my best friend (since we were 14) and I broke up on the phone. It sounds silly but was actually a culmination of a lot of things.

    She was mad at me for saying that her new job was a surprise to me as she had never even mentioned it, though she said she was looking for one. And we had been texting about stuff almost upto the day she started the new job. According to her, I ” never bother to check in on her job etc” and shouldn’t expect to be told when she started a new job. And apparently, I am only good for “superficial stuff” .

    Well, here’s the thing. She and her husband were going through a bad career patch and though I did ask about things, it felt very awkward to ask each time we spoke. I should mention that we are living at literally opposite ends of the world and I usually have to call her…she only texts or sends whatsapp messages as she doesn’t want to incur $ on phone bills ( she is in NYC). I just assumed she would tell me when things started to look up, rather than me asking each time if he/she had found a job.

    I and my family also visited her when she was pregnant as she was so upset her family couldn’t make it. We didn’t stay with her so as not to impose but it was a trip we’d otherwise not have taken. When she was pregnant, I called her literally each week to check on her as it was a tough pregnancy. She certainly didn’t call me more than twice throughout mine.

    Anyway, after all this, fast forward 15 months. She emails asking if we can talk about things and that she feels bad we are not on speaking terms. All good. I reciprocate and ask her to call me at a convenient time.

    Then I get a message saying that she is unable to call me ( I live in a very developed asian country, think HK or Japan) as she does not ” have the capability to call my country of residence”. I find this excuse rather lame. So I am now supposed to call her, as she presumably doesn’t want to spend money to call me again.

    My husband ( who has known her for 15+years since we started dating) thinks I am “doing too much” in this friendship. I am just irritated that she cannot spend the money for a call because it is not on her package. To be honest, calling the US is not free of charge for me at anytime but I have never ever said so to her. And few, she and her husband are both ex Wall Street bankers and money is NOT a problem.

    What would you guys do? Suck it up and call, or just let it go…? It is not the money that is a problem, it is just the same old behavior again…..

    • Anonymous

      Honestly? Suck it up and call her. Ok yeah sure she should be able to figure out Skype and international calling, but it actually is kinda annoying to not just be able to pick up your cell and make the call. She’s known you since you were 14. To me that’s worth patching things up and getting to a place where you email or Whatsapp from time to time. Her behavior honestly doesn’t sound horrid to me- she reacted poorly to stress. If we can’t depend on BFFs to forgive us for that what’s the point?

    • Anon in NYC

      It definitely does seem like a more one-sided friendship. I think that if you are going to re-start a friendship with her that you should be direct about this. There’s no point in holding on to resentments at this point because you’re already not on speaking terms. What’s the worst that can happen? She gets mad and you continue to not speak?

      As for the phone call, I agree with you on the principle of the matter. But, if you want to speak to her, I would suggest FaceTime or Google Hangouts. My siblings live in Asia and we text/leave voicemails on Whatsapp but talk using FaceTime (iPhones) or Google Hangouts (non-iPhones) since it’s free.

      • AN - need friendship advice

        Anon NYC….it is the one sided nature of things that is upsetting. I also didn’t mention that she has never asked about my career etc in all these years. But I didn’t take offense as i thought our friendship was about more than work stuff. I will suggest that we connect via FaceTime, and see what she says. I find it hard to believe that in this day and age, and living in NYC, she cannot find a way to call me in ASia.

        • Mo

          Yep. She could go to the store on the corner and buy a calling card w/ a US 800 number. That’s what I do when I have to make work calls to Asia from my domestic-only cell phone.

        • Brit

          Definitely skype! When I had a friend in college living in Hungary, this was a great way to keep in touch with her.

    • Ellen

      Yay! I love this wrap dress tho I agree with Kat that wrap’s are not for every body. I know if I wore this at work that Frank would be tryeing to UNwrap it, or at least would be talkeing about doing JUST that. It make’s no sense b/c he has a cute wife who probabley give’s him whatever he want’s in bed (or at least that is what FRANK say’s). Mabye I should ask her next time she is here if Frank is the sex god he claim’s to be. FOOEY!

      As for the OP, I say call and make up with your freind. I have found that we have fewer and fewer freind’s as we get older, as many drift away and others get MARRIED and hang with their husband’s and family, etc. So if you had a good releationship with your freind, as you appeared to–go back and restablish it. That should work for you.

      As an aside, yesterday we ate Chinese with the judge and now both me and the manageing partner have seperately come down with the runs. I had seseme chicken and he had General Sow’s chicken. I did think the chicken was kind of slimey, but it tasted good. Now we are both complaining of gas and I have been to the toilet 3x this morning. The manageing partner has camped out in the office toilet, so I had to go down the hall. The janitor was in there cleaning both times, so I had to ask him to leave so I could go. I still am a littel off and now wonder if the judge now also has the runs. If he does, I hope he does NOT blame us b/c the manageing partner picked the restrunt, and the judge had NOT been there before.

      I am NOT sure if I should bring this up with the judge. I will ask the manageing partner, but my INSTINCT’s are telling me NOT to bring it up b/c then the judge will KNOW that WE brought him to a bad place. On the other hand, if he also is camping out in the toilet today, mabye we SHOULD say something to him and mabye ask the restrunt for a refund or a credit, or mabye we should call the board of health? I am kind of in a quandeary about this issue. WHAT would the HIVE do? Any idea’s? Should we call the restrunt? FOOEY! I wish I had the answer’s or a HUSBAND to make this decision for me. FOOEY!

    • curious

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Breaking up with a best friend was worse for me than an actual bf because I never expected it to happen, whereas romantic relationships you hope for the best. I posted about this a few weeks ago, but my best friend and I broke up when I was going through some intense health issues and it was too much for her (which I can understand, although it was very hurtful too). After our breakup and once my health was back on track, we made another go of it too. I got a similar email from her saying she felt bad we weren’t talking and heard through the grapevine that I was doing better, etc. We spoke on the phone and went out for dinner…. and I was really disappointed. It just wasn’t the same. I can’t put a finger on why – we spoke about our issues and then moved on to other regular topics for us (e.g., tv shows, significant others), but it felt like we were both faking it. At the end of the dinner, we had a frank conversation about how it just wasn’t the same and too much had changed. Even though I wanted to, I don’t think I could help but feel abandoned by her when I was struggling through something big in my life.

      A friendship should never be one-sided. As supportive as you were of her (esp during her pregnancy) you need to feel that support reciprocated. Even small things like who is calling when speak loudly about how the other person feels and their behavior.

      I would give it one last go, but if it doesn’t work, really leave/end the call with the mindset of letting it go. Otherwise you’ll be in for a roller coaster ride that you do not deserve.

    • Emily

      She sounds needy and not a good friend to you, but wants you back in her life to support her. If she can’t figure out facetime or google chat, too bad, so sad.

    • Anon100

      Her saying “she does not ” have the capability to call my country of residence”.” is complete BS. How can she not figure out any of the 3 most common free online calling services (Skype, Google Hangouts/chat, FaceTime)?! I’ve been using Skype to call my parents back in Asia since I moved to the DC area for college nearly 10 years ago and despite the 12 or 13-hour time difference, we talk on Skype at least every two weeks.

      Or she could suck it up and get an international calling card.

      She’s just trying to find excuses to blame it on you for having a terrible friendship.

    • AIMS

      I’d suck it up and call and then tell her about this amazing things called a phone card she can buy at any convenience store in NYC that for $5 will let her talk to you for 2+ hours. Or if you want to stand on principle, plan a Skype date.

    • Senior Attorney

      I broke up with my best friend a couple of years ago and an attempted reconciliation (after I reached out to her on her birthday some months later) was ultimately not successful, because all the issues that led to the breakup in the first place were still there.

      From what you say, and your understandable exasperation, it seems unlikely to me that you calling her would have the desired outcome. So maybe it would be best to let it go, at least for now.

    • Idea

      Suggest a free app and see what happens.
      This is the equivalent of Cinderella leaving 1 shoe – hey, here’s how to reach me, please use it correctly.

    • Emma

      Do you want to be friends again? If so, then call. And when you talk to her, you can suggest some ways to communicate in the future that won’t be one-sided.

      If you don’t want to be friends again, then don’t call.

      In short, I don’t think this should be so much about the communication issue this one time. Her being selfish in the friendship is a bigger issue, and maybe that’s a reason not to pursue the friendship. I guess I’m just suggesting that you focus on whether you want to pick the friendship back up, knowing that you might be putting in more effort. That is the more important decision.

  10. LilyB

    Ladies, question: why, when I wear sheath dresses, does the middle section (my lap, basically) end up looking like a wrinkled mess within 30 minutes of arriving at work? It’s not a case of the dress not fitting me properly. I’ve had this happen with mid-range retailers (Ann Taylor, I’m wearing this dress today- link to follow) but also with Reiss and Rebecca Taylor. It drives me crazy and even though I love the dresses, I feel so un-put together when I look at myself in the mirror later in the day. Help?

  11. DC Career Coach/Recruiter

    Does anyone have recommendations for career coaches/recruiters in the DC area?

  12. "Allergies" PSA

    Can anyone recommend a good travel HEPA air filter?

    This is to use in hotel rooms (both in the US and abroad — Europe and Middle East, mostly). I hope that it will reduce allergic asthma episodes in hotels that really do not have allergen free rooms, even though they say they do, or when that is the only option for a work-related trip that I cannot control.

    Thanks!

    • MJ

      I have had really bad asthma and allergies and had to travel a ton for sports in college. The real answer to this is that a HEPA filter isn’t going to do much in a hotel room because there are so many “soft places” (carpet, mattress, pillow, bedspread, throw pillows, upholstered furniture) that dust mites can hide. Plus, a lot of hotels have really bad mold issues due to showers/lack of ventilation. In my experience, and I know this isn’t what you asked, but I would think about “blockers” so that your body doesn’t get upset when it is exposed to triggers in a hotel room–antihisthamines, anti-leukotrienes, and if necessary cortico-steroids (inhaled if you’re not worked up, prednisone if you are). I know that more meds is not necessarily better, but some hotels are just totally dusty and set me off.

      Any filter that is small enough to fit in a suitcase will take ages (and likely won’t have enough of a fan to circulate the air in a normal-sized hotel room properly). My mom and I have tried tons of filters over the years, religiously check the Consumer Reports for them, etc., and unless you want to check another bag, I don’t even think a HEPA filter will do much. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

      • "Allergies" PSA

        Yeah, I know. I am on all that already just to be stable day-to-day. It came on suddenly 3 years ago, and I keep hoping it will go away just as suddenly one day. Two years of allergy shots don’t seem to have made much of a dent yet, either. I am grateful that I am still healthy and can exercise and travel and climb rocks/stairs on vacations etc. But it is a drag to take so much medication every day and it is really scary when the meds don’t work/something triggers an attack. Thanks for writing.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          I have sleep apnea so I sleep w/ a cpap that has a built in filter. Actually, it has two. I wonder if someone without apena, with a doctor’s permission, could sleep w/ a cpap set on the lowest setting just to get the completely filtered air benefit.

          I have had some vacation ruining allergy attacks so I know exactly what you are talking about.

          Bonus, the cpap is a “free” extra carry on since it is medical equipment.

          • "Allergies" PSA

            Never woulda thought of this. Thanks. Will discuss with MD. Would at least get me clean air while asleep.

            Checked out the Allersearch sprays mentioned below, but they are really for places where you will be living for quite some time, not for hotels (you must apply, wait 3 hours, vacuum off). But good to know for other circumstances.

    • Anon

      Have you tried an anti-allergen spray? I have an allergy detergent that works pretty well and they have corresponding sprays (and carpet powders, neither of which I’ve tried) which are supposed to kill dust mites. You could mist your room when you arrive. I think the brand is Allersearch.

  13. Extracurriculars?

    Let’s talk extracurricular activities – when does one decide that it’s time to quit? I’m a member of the Junior League in my town and I just can’t decide whether to give it up. On the one hand, I think it’s helpful to have some showing of community involvement. But on the other hand, I don’t feel like I’m getting a lot out of my involvement anymore. I’m just using it to pad my resume. Is it time to go? What are y’all’s factors for making this decision? I’m actually pretty torn…

    • mascot

      Can you identify what you don’t like anymore? Would switching placements help (in-league vs. community based)? Is there something else you would rather do with your volunteer hours?

    • The higher the hair the closer to g-d

      At various times, I hit pause on the Junior League and limped across the finish line to being a sustainer.

      Our league really tries not to lose women and seems to have all of these secret ways to stay in. I took a year of inactive status and also a year of self-placement (I knitted blankets for babies in the hospital). In-league placements can be easier (or more on your own time) than community placements (but maybe that’s what you need). We also do community self-placements for a year where volunteering for another organization counts as credit.

      I’d try to hang in there — you may find something that you love and your league would probably love to keep an active volunteer.

    • Scout

      I just had to quit the junior league this week. It was just too much time with work. Plus it wasn’t fun anymore and it became much more of an obligation and a “check the box” activity rather than something I felt invested in.

      I felt really guilty because I don’t like quitting but it’s been a huge mental relief and now I can do volunteer activities that I feel like doing.

      It feels deliciously selfish and like a huge weight has been lifted off.

    • DC Wonkette

      Breaking up with JL was the right decision for me. I didn’t have time to invest properly in the community and therefore, wasn’t able to connect with folks in a meaningful way. I also have a close group of friends outside of JL and preferred to spend my limited time with them. I hated the idea of “giving up” but also realized it was making me stressed out and miserable which is not helpful for anyone…

    • MegB

      I loved JL and went sustainer after I’d been in 12 years. I’m now in something called National Charity League which is similar to JL only for mothers and daughters. I think it’s very personal. If it doesn’t work for you, time to find something that does. It could be switching placements or it could be time to find something that is a better fit. It’s not something you have to do, it should be something you want to do. Hope that helps!

  14. Bag Lady

    I need some help finding an elusive carry-on bag. I am looking for a tote that would work as my purse on flights but it seems like I am so picky this bag doesn’t exist. I thought about the very popular Lo&Sons OMG bag, but I feel like every blogger has one because they have been given away and I’m not sure that it’s worth that much money. I would like to spend less than $200, if possible. I fly frequently, sometimes for business but usually pleasure, often long-haul flights, so perhaps it’s worth the investment, but I’m not sold. I carry a lot of small bags and medication, so I need something that is pretty roomy.

    I would like a nylon bag (leather is too heavy) with a slip through pocket in the back to hook onto my spinner suitcase, it needs to be within personal bag size limits (around 9x10x17), I would like some pockets for organization but it’s not a priority, perhaps a laptop/ipad section but again not a priority, and long enough handles that I can put it over my shoulder or use a long strap to carry it cross body.

    I have tried the Lipault tote and the quality is dubious (it has plastic hardware, which doesn’t seem very hardy, and a splotch of glue on the handle). I also tried the Portagio tote from ebags and if it weren’t too big it would be perfect.

    Travelers and other carry-on/purse perfectionists – can you help a lady out?

    • RLS

      I have the TUMI Voyageur Geneva Carry All bag. It seems like it may fit your requirements. I was super picky with regard to my carry on bag, and this fit all my requirements. Has the back pocket, lots of pockets, jewelry pouch lined in velvet, and fits under the seat in front of me. Am@zon has it in three colors ranging from $205 – 276 right now. Can’t recommend it highly enough!

      • Amy H.

        WOW. I now want this Tumi Geneva bag — like OP, I had thought I was looking for a unicorn! Thank you.

        For the OP, in searching other sites for the Tumi, I found two other less expensive bags that look like exactly what you’re seeking — they’re so much less that I’ll probably buy one while I save up for the Tumi:
        Briggs and Riley Baseline
        http://www.zappos.com/briggs-riley-baseline-large-shopping-tote-bag-black?zlfid=191&ref=pd_sims_p_ab_t_1

        The other one is the “Lipault Paris City Tote” — $89 on Z — much shinier nylon than the Brigsg and Riley (and while I’ve heard of B&R I hadn’t before heard of Lipault).

    • Anonymous

      I mean, what you are describing is the Lo & Sons. There’s a reason people rave about them. I’m not a blogger, I paid full price for mine, and I love it more than I can say.

      • ace

        Look for a discount code for Lo & Sons – you can find 30% a few times a year, and often 40% around Black Friday. As Anonymous said, you’re basically describing the OG/OMG. I purchased it (with a discount) and have been really happy with it, and found that I use it even more than I thought I would.

      • Zelda

        +1. I’m also a frequent traveler and have carried my OG on every single trip (as well as infrequently around town) for over 3 years, including multiple long haul flights to Europe and Asia, and it still looks great! I usually carry my laptop (vertically instead of horizontally), kindle, documents, pashmina, sometimes a sweater, slipper socks, and multiple pouches with assorted accessories/beauty products. It was worth every single penny and definitely lives up to the hype for me. I bought mine on sale for just under $200, but imo, it’s definitely worth the current sale price of $236 (20% off).

        • countc

          I can’t remember if I have the OG or the OMG, but whichever one I have, I love it. I use it for everything – long trips, weekend trips, overnight trips, gym bag, work bag, beach bag, etc. It holds a lot of things, it’s easy to clean and shake sand off of, it has that great shoe compartment for dirty shoes, blah, blah, blah. Basically, it’s too useful for me to care who else has it or how many blogs it’s been shown on. Don’t care, pry from my cold dead hands.

    • Basics

      I recently went through just this search. Frequent travel. Laptop (which does not fit in either the OG or the OMG laptop compartment). Lots of meds, which come with me personally on the plane in case my suitcase is lost.

      I ended up buying the Kate Spade Cedar Street Maise Shoulder Bag. I got it during a 25% off sale and shipping was free.

      I also looked at and loved the TUMI Voyageur Calais backpack. It is gorgeous and so comfortable and I *might* still buy it. Really, you have to try it on. Sadly, TUMI does not ever go on sale that I have seen.

      • Basics - TUMI Sale

        Having said they never hold sales, I now see that Tumi is offering 20% of almost everything (in the US) until 3/22. That brings the Calais backpack from $325 to $260. Plus free shipping.

    • Parfait

      The OMG is really great for travel. I used mine for about a year as my daily laptop+lunch+workout stuff schlepper, though, and was disappointed with how poorly it held up. For the price, I’d want it to still look good after that amount of use, but it just started looking shabby and lopsided. I am holding onto it for use as a carry-on, though, because it really is well-designed for that purpose.

    • V250

      I use Red Oxx carryons. They are made in the US and indestructible. I own the Air Boss and Skytrain and my oldest kids have the rucksack. The Air Boss was designed for business travel.

    • SC

      I love my OMG bag, which I received as a Christmas gift a little over a year ago. I use it for daily purse/laptop carrier and as a carry-on when I travel. I’ve used it daily since I got it, and it’s held up very well — none of the leather or stitching shows signs of wear, and it still has its structure when it’s sitting empty on the floor. (I commute by car, so YMMV, but it’s held up better than a previous Kate Spade bag.) Anyways, it checks all your boxes, and there’s a reason people like it. So far, I think it was worth the price, but I’m not measuring that based on how many other people have it or how much they paid for it.

    • Susie

      I’m looking for something similar, but in leather and don’t care about whether it hooks on a suitcase. I just bought and returned a Michael Kors Jet Set because it was advertised as 15.5″ wide but in fact was not even wide enough to fit my 13″ laptop – very annoying! (The bag tapered at the bottom)

    • lucy stone

      I use a Baggallini a lot for airplane travel and am pretty happy with it. Not quite as cute as Lo and Sons, but less expensive. Mine doesn’t hold a laptop so if I’m bringing that rather than my iPad, I put it in my carryon suitcase.

      • anonomom

        Yup, baggallini. I have the baggallini Kindred tote, bought from eBags. Love it. Slip-through pocket to put on suitcase, kindle/iPad pocket, cell phone pocket, interior organizing pockets, cross-body and shoulder straps. Doesn’t have a laptop sleeve but a laptop would fit.

        I wish I’d gotten the Alfa which is similar but with a laptop holder. A bit bigger.

    • Kelly Andthenblog

      No slip through pocket in the back, but an excellent bag that meets most of your other criteria, and can snap into a smaller purse shape:
      http://www.stelladot.com/shop/en_us/p/accessories/designer-handbags-wallets/how-does-she-do-it?pattern=navystripe

      Comes in many patterns, and will have more in April. Also, check out the larger Getaway:
      http://www.stelladot.com/shop/en_us/p/accessories/designer-handbags-wallets/getaway-travel-bag?pattern=navyredmedallion

  16. Best airline to fly w/ baby to London?

    I’m flying to London in July with my son, who will be 9 months old then. My husband will be flying over separately, so I’ll be on my own with the little guy. Are there particular airlines that are better than others (in terms of service or perks, etc.) when flying with baby internationally? This will be the first time he’s flown; I’m an experienced traveler but this feels a bit daunting. We fly out of ATL, so we can go direct on a couple of carriers. Thanks for any tips!

    • MJ

      Virgin flight attendants are the best, they are so friendly and young and helpful. BA also excellent. United is the pits. I lived in London for years and flew to the East and West coasts pretty frequently.

      I would also pay up to have a good seat, and make sure you re-confirm the seat before flying. The last time I flew United to London (after doing an all-nighter at work), I found out I was in the middle of the middle section of five seats…torture. Don’t let that be you.

      • Parfait

        Why is their youth a plus? I get friendly and helpful as good things, but young?

        • MJ

          It’s just a thing, but the Virgin folks all seem to be bouncy early-twentysomethings, not jaded by years of airline cost-cutting, mergers, etc. They are always full of energy. I’m not saying that older flight attendants can’t do a good job at all (my mom was a flight attendant back in the 60’s!), but Virgin sure seems to hire young.

    • TBK

      See who has bassinets. I’ve heard mixed reviews from parents who’ve used them, but I think I’d want the option (especially since most flights to Europe are overnight). Also, this isn’t your question, but I highly recommend using a soft carrier on the plane. If you wrap him snugly, you can both sleep while you’re holding him (although you’ll have to take him out for take-off and landing).

      • InfoGeek

        The thing about bassinets is that you almost always have to have a bulkhead seat. That means no stashing your carry-ons under the seat in front of you. That can be inconvenient if you have kid stuff you want down.

    • anon

      The best thing if you can afford the expense is to get your cutie his own seat and belt his carseat into it, then him into his seat. This is seriously worth the most money you can afford to spend. So relaxing for you and easy on babe. And, frankly, much safer. I know that this is not a financial reality for many though, so don’t sweat it if you can’t do it.

  17. Closet Cleanouts

    I’m in the midst of a (first-ever) shopping ban. Its going really well and I find that the longer I go, the more motivation I have to continue it. In conjunction, I’m also hoping to clean out my busting-at-the-seams closet. The problem is that whenever I go to do this, I always pull out items to give away and then think, “well, its kind of cute and I might want to wear it someday” and I put it back in the closet. I’ve tried to approach it by saying to myself, “would you want this item in your dream closet?” and if the answer is no, to get rid of it. But, I still find myself putting things back because they are good quality / in good shape / might be cute someday.

    Other than just DOING IT, are there any other tips? Storage is not a great solution because there are space issues. I simply don’t have space to store too much stuff.

    • Wildkitten

      ThredUp helped me with this because instead of thinking “I might wear this some day” I thought “ThredUp might give me money for this” and I parted with a lot more stuff than I would normally. I also like the “turn the hangers around” trick to see what I don’t wear in a season or year – but that takes longer.

    • Diana Barry

      So for this I really liked the magic of tidying book – she says you should ask “does this spark joy”? So I had, for example, a Peter Pilotto for Target dress that was cute and I might wear it someday but it didn’t really spark joy. So out it went. Same for the cute-ish wedges that I thought, those are cute but I *never* wore. Same for the blazer that was itchy and I thought, but I spent $X on it (sunk cost fallacy), etc. etc.

    • TBK

      I just did a thorough cleaning out and here’s what worked for me. Instead of doing what you do — which is what I’ve always done — I instead sat down and wrote out what a complete minimum wardrobe would look like for me. So for example navy skirt suit, gray skirt suit, black sheath (etc.) for weekdays, making up a total of 10 outfits. For weekends, 3-5 tops per season, 2-3 prs jeans, 2 evening tops, etc. Then I went to my closet. If I had 12 casual summer tops, I had to pare that down to no more than 5. The sixth top might be completely fine — fit fine, be in good condition — but if I liked 5 others more than I liked that one, that one was donated. I now have a carefully curated closet with only the essentials. And it is so much less stressful every time I get dressed.

    • lsw

      I put my “maybes” in a bag (either directly in a ThredUp bag or in a bag marked to go to Goodwill/consignment store) and stick it in the basement or closet for a month or two. Or, if it’s off season, until the next time the season makes sense. Then I send it or give it away without opening it. If I REALLY wanted something and remembered it was in there and pulled it out to wear it, great, I’ll keep it. But if I can’t even remember what’s in there, I’ll get rid of it. (And DON’T open the bag or you will fall in the same trap!)

      I have basically experienced exactly what you described a million times (I’m so sentimental, and I hang on to ev-ery-thing, and I was taught that you never throw anything away if it can still be used), so this really worked for me!

    • Mpls

      It’s cute, but is there a reason you aren’t wearing it? The fit is weird, or the elbows stretch out by noon or its that weird color that just really doesn’t go with anything else? Cute isn’t the only reason to keep something – it also (mostly) needs to be function :)

      I tend to do my donation pile in a continuous fashion. When I’m getting dressed and I try something on and…it just doesn’t work and I know I haven’t worn it in a while, it goes in the donation basket. It also has the benefit of only making a few decisions at the time, rather than risking decision fatigue. So, do it on an as-you-go basis, rather than trying to do it all in an afternoon?

      • HSAL

        I do this. I keep a paper bag in my closet to drop donation items into. When it’s full, it goes to Goodwill.

  18. TBK

    Two totally unrelated questions: (1) Anyone have a business card scanner app (iPhone) they like? (2) I’m having my head shot done today for my new employer’s website but I didn’t know it was today and wore my hair in a ponytail. I should take it down, right? My hair is side-parted, long layers, collarbone length with side-swept bangs (i.e., the haircut every professional woman in DC has). I usually wear it down, half up/half down, or in a mid-height ponytail (low isn’t flattering to my face shape). What typically photographs best? Any suggestions for getting the crimp out of my hair where the hair elastic is? (I’m totally overthinking this, I know. )

    • la vie en bleu

      i wet my fingers in the sink and run them through the hairs where the crimp is, it usually straightens it out but dries quickly. But i have straight/fine hair.

    • L

      If the crimp is really bad, wear it half up half down with a clip and pull back just the front part that’s crimped, so it looks like most of your hair is down. Plus, it helps you avoid the dreaded flat head look in pictures.

  19. countc

    Maxi skirts in offices?

    I have a friend who works in a business casual office. The other day she mentioned she was wearing a maxi skirt from Target. I had her send me a link to it and it’s one of the standard Target fold-waist maxi skirts. I would LOVE to wear a maxi skirt to work as I find them very comfortable. I work in a business casual office where I see all sorts of things that I think are inappropriate for work. That said, I am not sure I would be comfortable wearing a maxi to work as much as it would probably be fine. Thoughts?

    Note that even though we can wear jeans on Fridays at my office, I almost always pair my jeans with a blazer as I feel sometimes too casual (not because of my office but because I worked in law for many years and it just feels “wrong” not to).

    • Mpls

      There are probably some tailored maxiskirt options…but for the most part, they kind of seem on par with yoga pants, especially if made of knit.

      Also – maxi-skirts/dresses and rolling chairs don’t mix. You will invariable get the skirt caught under the wheels of your chair.

      • Anon

        +1. Unless your office is casual-casual (as in flip flops and shorts are okay in the summer), then maxi skirts with foldover waistbands are out.

        The only maxiskirts that are okay in a business casual environment are the tailored variety I’ve only ever seen on orthodox jews.

      • ErinF

        Agreed. I’ve seen some women look quite professional in maxi skirts, but it was almost always because they wear maxi skirts for religious reasons and have gone out of their way to choose tailored, professional options (maybe there are companies that specifically make these types of outfits?). They weren’t wearing knit fold over waistband skirts from Target.

      • Parfait

        +1 on the rolling chair/skirt issue. Even a midi-length skirt will get caught in the wheels.

        I work in a super-casual office (tech) – people wear tracksuits and stuff! – but I would never wear a long skirt to the office even though I could get away with it. It’s just not practical.

    • Anon

      Nope. Not work appropriate. Our firm is, ostensibly, business casual tending in theory towards business formal but in practice towards business casual. If a maxi dress is biz cas, what’s casual? Our support staff truly struggle with dress code for reasons unbeknownst to me (I have posted about my secretary’s leopard print leggings before). At the moment, those maxi dresses and weird wide pant things (made from knit) with the loud patterns are “in.” The look is just not professional and I DO judge them negatively for it (especially when they’ve been warned over and over again). It makes the employee look like she a) doesn’t respect my authority because she care that she’s been told how to dress b) doesn’t care about her own reputation and c) doesn’t care about the value of the work we do because she’s willing to wear something questionable in front of a client. Firm is handling a multimillion dollar case in federal court and the admin is wearing a tattered denim vest and a hoodie and/or leggings and walks into a client meeting?!?! Mortifying.

      /rant.
      tl;dr- not worth the risk. There is probably someone superior to you who wouldn’t think it is fine.

    • Anon

      No jersey maxi skirts. You can wear a long skirt of heavier material, but then you risk looking like a Duggar – though arguably that’s better than looking like you’re at the beach.

    • la vie en bleu

      I agree that if you feel too casual in jeans, a maxi skirt is not going to be work appropriate for you/your office.

      ALTERNATIVE OPTION: I have a couple of jersey a-line skirts (one from ON) with a fold over waist that are knee length. I wear them iwth a nice top and sweater and they look much more biz cazh than a maxi skirt, but are equally as comfy and cozy to wear. There are also knee-length or midi straight skirts that are more like pencil skirt sillhouette, I have one of the Vince Camuto ones from Nordies. You could try one on a friday and see if you feel nice enough to do that at least on your fridays as your ‘comfy days.’ ;o)

    • HSAL

      I confess that I recently wore a maxi dress, but I felt guilty about it all day. I’m pregnant and just couldn’t handle a waistband. So don’t be me, no maxi dresses/skirts.

    • countc

      Thanks everyone! I was 99% sure that even if appropriate, I personally wouldn’t feel appropriate wearing one, so your comments confirmed my instinct. I am almost always the most formally dressed in my very large office, outside of my boss who wears a shirt and tie every day (he is the only one I’ve ever seen wear a tie here. I recently went through a round of internal interviews and while I wore a suit or sheath dress and blazer for every one, I was often interviewed by people in jeans. So I was having a tiny bit of internal debate on the maxi skirt issue!

      My friend works for a lobbying shop for Realtors, and having once been a Realtor, I have come to accept that anything goes in that field. Nevertheless, I will stick to maxi skirts for non-work time only.

  20. Anomanom

    Yeah, those jersey maxi skirts are really just the summer version of leggings with boots. Are they comfy? Absolutely! Do I pretty much solely wear them to the exclusion of the rest of my wardrobe on the weekend? Absolutely! Have I somehow convinced my boyfriend that this look is “dressy”? Absolutely! Appropriate for work? No.

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