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I continue to see more and more wristlets. I like the soft leather on this one from Banana Republic, and particularly the details in a contrasting color — here it's pink against the orange; on some of the other wristlets it's blue against gray, or orange against berry. Nice. It's $59. Painted Edge Market Wristlet (L-3)Sales of note for 10.24.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
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- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything, and redeem Stylecash!
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
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- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
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- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
LH
My husband, parents (in their early 60s) and I are planning a family trip to Kauai in December for about 5 days. We’re staying on the south shore, which I understand is sunnier in winter. We’re looking for recommendations for things to do, in particular:
–beautiful beaches
–good snorkeling spots (we’re all strong swimmers so windy is ok)
–scenic hikes, including moderate, half-day hikes all of us could do and strenuous all-day hikes for my husband and me
–specific boat trips or suggestions for other ways to get great views of the Napali coast (helicopter is out unfortunately, no one in my family wants to do it except me)
–restaurants, including both affordable ones and high-end ones
Thanks in advance! The vacation tips from people here have been so helpful in the past.
ADL
Are you sure you’re not me? I’m going to Kauai with my family (parents in their mid-60s, brother + SIL + nephew) in early December.
Honestly, it’s such a laid back island, I’ll tell you what we do (and have been doing for the past 15+ years): at the airport in Lihue, we pick up all of the tourist brochures while waiting for our baggage to arrive. Then we look through them and book our day trips based upon what we picked up. This is what I suggest doing for the Napali Coast, as you’ll be able to see all of what is available; you’re going to have to get in a boat in order to see the Coast since you’re not doing a helicopter ride – most of those outings, you can snorkel off the boat.
Local restaurants to enjoy:
Hamura’s Saimin (Japanese noodles/soup)
Dani’s Restaurant (for breakfast or lunch)
Lappert’s Ice Cream
Kauai
I was just in Kauai last December (third visit for me).
They say the snorkeling in Kauai is not the best, but to someone like me from the frozen north all it takes is a dozen fish to make me happy. The locals all recommended PK Beach (Prince Kuhi0) as the best so that’s where I went. It gets chilly in the water so wear a rashguard and maybe rent or bring a wetsuit top. We saw a monk seal at Poipu Beach. Don’t forget that even on the south side the surf can get very rough.
For views of Na Pali Coast without hiking in along the coast I recommend hiking the Pihea Trail in Koke’e State Park. It starts at the Pu’u o Kila Lookout at the top of Waimea Canyon. From this trail there are spectacular views down into the Kalalau Valley. It’s not too far to get to the views, you can go even further along the tops of the cliffs, and it’s fairly flat. The Awa’awapuhi Trail (starts from the side of the road up Waimea Canyon) is much more strenuous (1,600 ft elevation loss/gain) but it goes to an overlook of other parts of the Na Pali coast.
Also I think you should not miss Polihale State Beach Park. It is on the west coast and therefore drier than the rest of the island. It is a truly spectacular white sand beach from which you can see Niihau.
Alice
Any recommendations to stop nails from peeling? I’ve never had this problem, but I just recently began keeping my nails permanently painted (with Nail Envy Strengthener, ironically) and while I loved having permanently shiny nails for the first few weeks, I now have a peeling problem!
I’m thinking switching to an acetone-free remover would help (recommendations welcome), and being better about putting on gloves before doing dishes and cleaning…but maybe I’m deluding myself and it’s the polish itself that is the problem?
Cornellian
I’ve begun having this problem too and my intuition is that it something about by diet/stress level/drug regimen, in part because my hair also seems a bit less healthy. I’m trying biotin, which is supposed to be good for hair and nails. In low doses there don’t seem to be problematic side effects, so maybe you want to try that?
Alice
Interesting thought–I think I’ll look into it. I also went off of hormonal birth control recently–perhaps that has an effect.
Anonymous
My nails have always been flaky (no suggestions, sorry), but I also recently went off horomonal birth control and have noticed my hair has started breaking/shedding much more than in the past, so I could see it having an effect on nails, as well.
eek
Dior abricot creme. Use daily; night is best since it’s a little goopy. A little goes a long way. You should see improvement within a few days and no peeling after several weeks.
SW
Nailtiques Formula 2 Plus is a miracle cure for peeling.
Alice
Thank you all. I can see a trip to the drugstore/department store is in order on the way home from work!
3L
Acetone free remover, first. Also, try clipping the nails below the peeling, if possible, and buff to smooth everything out. You might also try a nail moisturizer, not a strengthener, and giving your nails a few days off a month from polish.
Parfait
Acetone-free remover makes the skin on my fingers peel off! Not that this helps with the question.
Anonymous
I read that a crystal nail file will cause less peeling than other types of files.
Parfait
I’ve read that too. I even bought one. And then promptly sat on it and broke it. I should get another and try again.
eek
I ordered a set of 5 by Cheeky from Amazon. Pretty colors, too.
Brooklyn Paralegal
Hopefully this isn’t too late for you to see…
My nails have always peeled pretty easily, and when my polish chips, it makes it even worse. Nail strengtheners are really helpful because they deposit keratin protein onto the nails, and I’ve also started using OPI’s Chip Skip, which is a nail dehydrator. Put it on before your base coat and your nail absorbs the base coat more effectively. Then use a rubberized base coat and let it set for at least a minute before putting the polish on. Your polish will stick a lot longer, which will also help prevent layers of nails from peeling off with your polish as it chips.
Vitamins and diet are helpful too. Biotin has worked wonders for both my nails and hair, and I try to eat fish at least once a week. My nails are in pretty damn good shape now.
zora
I just HAVE to plug these shoes. I am wearing them again today and they are the most comfortable walking flats EVER, but they look nice enough to wear to most offices, or at least on the weekends. I put some adhesive arch supports in them for my high arches, but they have a lot of support/give, and the uppers are so soft and comfy they accommodate my long toes. And I think they look nice even on my really long feet. AND still available in lots of sizes and colors.
http://www.dsw.com/shoe/audrey+brooke+bonnie+moccasin?prodId=273740
And major shout out to eek for these, she knows why. ;o)
Cb
Ooh, those are great. Are they hard at the back or do they squish down?
zora
They are reinforced on the back so they stand up straight/easy to slip on hands free. But they are SO SOFT on the back that I don’t have any rubbing or anything.
And I should probably specify that i have long feel with a super narrow heel, so most shoes fall right off my heel, but these don’t! They cup my narrow heel perfectly, but without rubbing or creating blisters. I am so in love I might have to get them in another color, too! ;o)
TO Lawyer
These are totally not my style but I think the blue colour is adorable!
Calibrachoa
Oooh, lovely! But alas, my canoetastic feet shan’t fit in them. But they give me ideas… :D
eek
I love the laces. They make me smile. :)
LizNYC
I’d like to plug the shoes I wore today too, which also featured laces. I found them for much less at D S W, but they don’t have them now (or in the green I have them in). Very comfy!
http://www.zappos.com/ahnu-arabesque-moon-indigo?zfcTest=fcl%3A3
Samantha
Thanks for the rec! Always looking for some comfortable walking shoes…
Equity's Darling
Did you all see this? I don’t have kids, nor do I plan on having anytime soon, but whenever I hear friends talk about the cost and accessbiliy of good quality childcare, I’m always flabbergasted. I’m obviously a crazy Canadian, but I don’t see why there isn’t a more affordable and accessible option, bet it public, private or some combination. This should not be so much of a worry for families.
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/08/17/crushed-by-the-cost-of-child-care/?hp
Cornellian
shut up you socialist crazy canadian!!!
I reached my free article limit at NYC this month, but I can imagine what the article says. It is terrifying to me. I feel like i need to be saving for slush fund, retirement, sickness, maternity leave, future kids’ educations and future kids’ preschool. NBD.
Anon
I hear you on the terrifying savings goals! Between a down payment, retirement, emergency fund, and future kid’s education I’m constantly freaking out about not saving enough.
Anonymous
Just FYI, you can continue to read articles through Google after you’ve hit the limit. Just type “nyt [a few words of headline]” and then click on it in your Google results.
Brahbrah
Or read them in incognito mode on your browser.
Alice
I agree–and the problem is compounded by often stingy parental leave policies.
I would love to have kids RIGHT NOW, but I’ve run the numbers and have decided that SO and I (DC, $110,000 combined) don’t make enough for infant care (or to take indefinite unpaid leave if we can’t find childcare). So we may wait until we can move back to our hometown (slightly lower cost of living), where, fingers crossed, parents will be able to be at supplemental caregivers. I never thought I would make a decision about if/when to have a child based on child care, but here I am!
R
Just wanted to say… be very careful about using parents as caregivers. You get what you pay for when it comes to childcare, and often “free” parents come with unexpected cancellations or feeding children solids before you think they are ready, etc. If you or your SO has a hard time enforcing boundaries with the parents, it may be in the child’s best interest to explore other options.
Alice
Point taken! I’m pretty sure that parents-as-regular-childcare would never work out, but I do admit that I’ve been considering parents-as-backup / parents-part-time, which I suppose would be an even greater risk for unexpected cancellations, etc….
Brant
We pay $21k/year for our boston-suburbs preschool. That is more than in-state tuition at UMASS. Just saying.
Brant
Sorry- daycare. Not preschool. They grow up fast, but not that fast!!
Diana Barry
As a cost comparison, our preschool costs $6K a year (that is also Boston area). HOwever, it is only a half day and we pay a nanny in addition.
Diana Barry
Just saw the correction – makes more sense. My friends with 2 kids in daycare pay over $50K/year for it. With 2 or 3 kids, a nanny is often cheaper.
Brant
I am counting the days to preschool, trust me!! Then again, we’ll probably have another infant by that time! Ugh. Good thing they’re cute!
Anonymous
Yup, $20k for daycare here in LA. Preschool will be just as expensive.
Nonny
Oh yes. I’m just venturing into this world, but even as a crazy Canadian, this is terrifying to me – not only the price, but actually ensuring I get the quality care I am paying for.
Anonymous
Read this. I know they say you just have to have kids and trust that things will work out, because it’s always going to be scary, but…seriously. If I don’t want to quit my job and may not be able to get child care, what am I supposed to do? Relying on free help from friends and family, especially older folks, does not sound like a plan to me at all.
AIMS
That’s just one of those really sh*tty things about the US. Lots of great stuff, but not really if you want to have kids, get an affordable higher education, or if happen to get sick without great insurance (and even the great insurance is not all that great anymore).
Lyssa
Bear in mind that most places that people have kids are not NYC. In most of the country, yes, it’s an expense, but one that most people with two incomes can manage.
Anon-NC
Yes!
NYC works if you are rich, but not for a mere mortal. Luckily, there’s more to the country than that (as in 99% of the rest of the country).
Also, this really brings home how important it is not to have any debt from undergrad (so: State U all the way and Early College). Undergrad debt payments can often > childcare payments (and often > mortgage).
NYC is awesome and I’m happen to have grown up close by it, but I have opted to move away for a more do-able life (on all fronts: COL, QOL, commute, childcare expenses, etc.). After taxes, I think we have more $ making less $.
Marilla
We almost had a national childcare agreement. SO close (2006). But hey.. $100 a month cash will definitely get you quality childcare, right? /grumpy Canadian
Seriously though — it’s crazy here too, we’re not any better than the US on this one. Toronto Life recently did an article on this, around a woman who moved back here with her kids from Germany and was astonished at how hard it was find daycare and how expensive it all is.
sharpest
I almost choked when I heard how expensive day care is in my NYC (not Manhattan) neighborhood. After student loans and day care, my entire paycheck is more or less wiped out (and I’m a lawyer so while I’m not making the big bucks in biglaw I’m not exactly paid peanuts). I could have gotten married when I was 22 (to the same guy I’m married to now because we were together then) and become a SAHM and I’d be in the same position I’m in now, with the child-bearing out of the way and probably some more free time because I wouldn’t be working. Really puts things in perspective.
TBK
We’re planning to get an au pair if we really are having twins (trying not to be too attached until we hit the end of trimester 1). Even that is not going to be cheap, but it will be more like $20k/yr instead of the close to $40k it might cost to have two infants in day care in this area. DC Urban Moms, not surprisingly (it’s a notoriously snarky/catty/meangirl site), had a thread where a woman was basically accused of being mentally deficient because she was considering an au pair for infant twins, but I really don’t know what else is possible. (This thread also suggested the woman not go back to work for a year or more. Um, what? What if that’s not an option. For example, I earn 70% of our household income — if I don’t work, we don’t eat.) Mostly you hear about parents freaking out about college, but I’m frankly not at all worried about college. We live in Virginia and UVA and William & Mary are both excellent, plus the state has lots of other really good schools. And all cost LESS in-state than a year of infant daycare. And there’s the possibility of scholarships. Plus, we’ll be in our 50s when we’re paying for college. I expect we’ll be making more at 55 than we’re making at 35. It’s insane. Our household income is in the top 5% or so nationally and we’re completely stressed about this. I don’t know what people with less money do, I really don’t.
Anonymous
Ugh, reading the comments on the NYT made me more depressed than even the article.
Category 1 is “women should stay home;” cat. 2 is “no one forced you to have kids, we all make choices, deal with it;” cat. 3 is “if you insist on working because you’re the breadwinner, why not have your husband stay home if he makes less money;” and, the occasional no. 4 was “I live in Europe and day care is considered a basic and universal right. I don’t get this country.” Oh and the frequent refrain no. 5, which came in two forms a) “I have it worse than these women” or b) “yep, I have it as bad as these women.”
Maybe everyone can just agree to go on a baby strike and stop having kids until the country can get its act together. It won’t be easy but if everyone actually pulled their act together on this and the birthrate dropped 50%,Washington would manage to act on it.
L
You give Congress way too much credit.
Anonymous
You think people should go on a birthing strike because some people chose to live in NYC?
Original Anon
Did you actually read the article? It talks about studies of women in 25 different cities and interviews women in places like Arlington, VA. This is a problem that is worse in places like NYC, but it hardly exists only in places like NYC. Or did I forget that all working women in Idaho get paid maternity leave? Did I miss the memo that announced that all kids in Wyoming have universal pre-k, never mind care for kids too young for pre-K? Or perhaps the moms who work in places like Wal Mart have daycare options at the superstore that I just don’t know about? Please do share these wonderful developments. Then perhaps I will consider leaving my urban little bubble.
Anonymous
I mean its the same as its always been. Im not saying its awesome- I’m just saying suggesting a baby strike is weird just because you are struggling. Its like saying everyone stop working until everyone makes 100k!
Anon-NC
What’s crazy is that birthrates in Europe are so low. Here, we are considered vanilla. My colleagues overseas see me as a breeder for having >1 (so 3 blows their mind). Can anyone explain? Or is it like childcare run by the DMV, in which case if you option is that or nothing, I’d just stay home.
anon
Yes, NYC is nuts: two kids, the most affordable daycare (that is legal) = $36k/year, plus babysitters (because daycare ends at 6 but work does not). All the insanity is true. We have to be here for job reasons, and after a year of commuting out for a job, I refuse to spend 2-3 hours of my day in transit (what it would be) because we would never. see. the. kids. (Not to mention that taxes in your decent suburbs are pretty steep themselves.)
What I really wanted to mention that I was beyond irked that this article did not speak with one father (or other partner, in a same-sex couple) and framed the entire thing as a Sophie’s Choice for mothers, especially when read together with their opt-out article they ran two weeks ago in the magazine. Someone wrote about this on Slate (can’t remember who right now)–why is the calculation always: does the mother’s salary cover childcare? Just one of my pet peeves.
Brant
In our house, it’s Dad’s salary that covers daycare. Mom has to work regardless. Dad’s salary is lower and Dad’s job is more flexible, so he could go part time/ freelance and be a SAHD. While I do make more than DH, he still makes enough money to more than justify working vs. staying at home. But…if today, one of us had to quit to stay at home, it’d be him. I make more and have all the benefits.
Anon
From all the Times articles touching on this topic you think your situation would never exist, but clearly it does. And given women’s higher degree acquisition rates it’s likely to become more and more common.
I just want them (MSM) to approach this as a parenting issue, not a mom issue. The constant drumbeat of articles about women opting out, women freaking over daycare, etc. is a not-so-subtle reinforcement of the patriarchal notion that everything relating to children falls within the women’s sphere of responsibility, and men are distantly involved at best.
It would be great to acknowledge that in many cases, women (already penalized for taking time off to actual bear children and because they face other social/institutional selection and barriers) do earn less and perhaps are in fields that provide more flexibility, are the ones who take on more child responsibility, but yeesh, there are definitely fathers/SOs out there who are or ought to be concerned about these issues as well–and it would be great if the conversation about caring for children was aimed at all parents, not just pigeonholed as a mommy problem.
/end rant.
anon
I have to say, as someone who is single and without children, this article (and the commentary here) slightly annoyed me. My take is that having kids is hard–I am not sure why everyone expects that it is some kind of God-given right to be able to afford to have kids. It is expensive, and you have to work things out. If that is too much for you, don’t have kids. But the rest of the world can’t be expected to make things easy for you. I just can’t really fully give my empathy to someone with kids who complains about how expensive childcare is (or, worse yet, complains about having parents who are willing to help out at no cost, but might not be doing it “right”). Didn’t you research this while you were thinking about having kids? Of course I understand that sometimes kids just come along when the parents aren’t prepared, but it seems like with this demographic (this site readers), most frequently, kids are the process of much waiting, hoping and planning. When you were thinking about having kids, did you not consider the cost and how your family was going to be able to afford that? This comment may be coming off as more incendiary than intended, but I feel a little bit of this with friends IRL as well. Everyone wants kids, but the cost is part of having what you want. I mean, I might want everything, but there are some things in life that I am just never going to be able to afford. I don’t really understand why having kids is different from anything else–either you can afford it or not.
Anon
I’ll bite–I believe raising healthy, well-cared-for children is not the isolated burden of parent(s), but in part society’s responsibility because society as a whole benefits when children grow up without deprivations and when parents who want to work are able to continue to do so. Children who are ill-cared for (scattershot care situations, poor educational opportunities, parent(s) not around because they are scraping together a living) are going to miss out and not become the most productive and healthy individual they could be. Think miss diagnoses of learning disabilities; gifts not able to flourish; slipping through all kinds of cracks. As for a parent who is unwillingly sidelined in his/her career, there are also ramifications (see studies on higher levels of depression for SAHM, less contributions to retirements systems, lost wages that are never recuperated, etc.).
I also worry about a society where only the MC/UMC/1% are able to afford good, consistent childcare. Or about a growing class of childcare workers who are paid under the table and all the more vulnerable for it. Or when women, having achieved so much in terms of educational and workforce achievement, stay home at higher rates because our society is set up for a working parent and a SAHP, and these women who can’t afford childcare or for whom it is a Pyrrhic move find themselves vulnerable in all sorts of ways as the consequences of those choices play out over the years (our divorce rate is still pretty high, is it not?). To say nothing of those women and men who have hourly jobs and are one sick kid away from loosing said job.
We were well aware of these issues when we had kids, and we have planned our lives accordingly. We weren’t taken by surprise; kids are expensive, and we have managed just fine. But we are lucky, and better off than most. I get that it’s annoying to hear the constant gripe about this, but how else are things going to change? I find this whole your-kids-are-exclusively-your-problem attitude shortsighted. I’m not asking you to pay for my kids right now; I’m saying that we need massive changes so everyone can have afford to have their in safe, stimulating, healthy environments so all parents are able to work (again, if that’s what the parent wants). Universal daycare and preschool, even year-round school–those things shouldn’t be for a privileged few.
Equity's Darling
I’m also single and without children, and I disagree, I do think that we, as a society, should support the next generation- their development and growth into productive members of society- this means well-planned , consistent and safe childcare that has quality food, interaction, learning, etc. Early childhood education has consistently been shown to be valuable in creating productive adults.
There is a huge difference between, for example, a woman with 3 degrees, who would be a very productive and valable member of the workforce being unable to work because childcare is unaffordable or unavailable, and someone being upset because they can’t afford a trip to Bora Bora.
I also would bet that economically, we’re better off supporting quality and affordable childcare, but I don’t really have anything to support that.
However, as Cornellian accuately noted above, I am a crazy Canadian socialist, so….I suppose take my comment with a large flake of maple salt. And there are many Canadians that would fall on your side of the fence too, I’m just not one of them.
Anon
Not to be sidetracked but maple salt sounds pretty freakin’ awesome. I feel like that could be A Thing.
Equity's Darling
It’s pretty common to find salty maple things here…. I doubt it would be hard to find maple smoked salt, or some type of salt with maple sugar crystals mixed in? It’d probably be delicious, though I haven’t looked for it.
The more common mix is maple bacon, and since bacon is salty, it’s not a huge jump to get to maple salt. Oh, and maple nuts with salt too I guess.
I, however, have a soft spot for good old maple taffy, maple fudge, and maple butter. I just don’t love the salty/sweet mix, though I know others are all about it.
anon
This, and the comment above, are both valid comments. Although, I am not sure wanting to have kids is different from wanting a trip to Bora Bora. Having kids is still something that people want in their lives, to make them more enriched or feel like their lives are more full. It is still mostly a choice, just like the trip to Bora Bora. I still don’t think anyone is more entitled to have kids than they are a fancy vacation. Either you can afford stuff or you can’t. However, the arguments about unsafe childcare being hazardous to society as a whole, or limited choices for re-entry into the workforce being restrictive on the stay-at-home spouse are definitely valid. I see both of those sides, and there are probably other ramifications to not having affordable childcare. However, most of the commentary here and along with the original article focused on the “holy cow! kids are so expensive” trend, which i find frustrating. If a single, childless poster asked the question of whether or not she should buy a property that was slightly out of her budget, or with a cost that would restrict some of her choices, you would absolutely advise her against it. Kids are essentially the same kind of choice, except at a higher cost for a longer period of time. How could all of the parents out there not realize this?
Kids
You are overlooking the fact that a society’s continued economic growth depends on the continual creation of new producers and consumers of economic goods. Without children (or young immigrants) there will be no future workers and no future consumers. Without children there will be nobody to prop up Social Security, replace my hip, grow my food, deliver my mail, or mow my lawn when I get old. Whether I have kids myself or not, my continued existence into old age depends on kids who grow up and get jobs. Encouraging people to have children is a logical and legitimate goal of any growth-oriented society. I (and society at large) will someday reap the benefit of today’s children’s future labor. It does not make sense for parents to bear the sole financial burden of raising those children (in part because people will become discouraged from having children). It’s not so much about parental entitlement as it is about society as a whole needing children in order to continue existing in the manner to which we are accustomed.
Enough kids
It would be fine if people slowed down on having kids. There are plenty of people.
No, everyone in the world can’t just stop having children, but that isn’t going to happen.
Joanna Toews
Did you seriously just compare having kids to Bora Bora vacations?
Tell that to all the poor families in the world. For most people, kids aren’t something you just “opt out” of.
Anne
Anyone have tips on overcoming fear of flying? It’s gradually become worse and worse over the past years, as it seemed that whenever I was about to go on a big excursion there was also a big accident happening somewhere else in the world. The anticipation of a flight makes me shudder, and every time I sit down in the plane I really wonder why I do it to myself. I really hate taking off.
It doesn’t help that I have a crazy imagination and also a fear of heights.
Once I get up in the air, can put on calming music, and get more into my zone, I’m generally ok about it. Turbulence freaks me out a bit, but otherwise okay.
I did go to a therapist, and he recommended flying more. But to get to that point I could also do with some suggestions on how to cope.
Anyone have hints?
I have a job interview in another city later this week and I’m flying there. Was tempted to take the train instead, but for the 8+ hours it takes on the train one way and the advice from the therapist.
Anon
Not to be harsh, but I think your therapist was right. You need to fly more. Avoid thinking about it and make yourself suck it up and do it. You know logically that nothing bad is going to happen, you just need to get over the jitters.
Mpls
What about going to a flight school and asking to do a lot of take offs and landings? In a smaller plane, where the pilot can talk you through what she/he’s doing? I have no idea if that’s a thing or not.
BB
Actually, I haven’t found that more flights = less fear necessarily. I used to be terrified of turbulence and really bad turbulence still sends adrenaline shooting through me and makes me really scared. This still happens even after I flew OVER 200 TIMES in 2 years internationally on non-U.S. airlines (weekly travel for work). I do agree that reading and learning about just how rare plane crashes are really helps. Google Arnie Barnett’s statistical work on this. One other thing I have learned to do is watch the airline attendants. If they are calm, then there’s nothing wrong (they fly so much that they would know if that weird engine noise or horrible turbulence is normal or not…that’s what I tell myself). Other than that, try to splurge for upgraded seating (especially on U.S. airlines, even if it’s just to Economy Plus). There’s something about the sardine squeezed feeling that makes flying feel so much worse, at least for me.
Formerly Fearful Flyer
I used to take Ativan when I had to fly somewhere, and that definitely did the trick. Definitely would not recommend that for before an interview, though. I’ve gotten better so now I generally just get a drink at the airport prior to boarding and am fine.
If you drink, I’d suggest that. If not, or if your interview is close in time to your flight getting in, I’d recommend reading an actual book during take off. I do this and it helps me to focus on something other than the flight.
L
No offense but your therapist sounds like kind of half-a**ing it. Have you tried CBT? I bet that and/or some kind of meditation would help you get more comfortable.
L
Weird, this ended up in the wrong spot.
Kat – FYI when I posted, I made sure I replied to the OP. I’m using Firefox if it helps.
S
just get a prescription drug for anxiety. unless there are complications, your Dr. should be able to prescribe something no prob.
Cornellian
I believe Anne is Norwegian, no? At least in Sweden and Denmark I don’t think you’d get something prescribed that quickly.
I don’t have near that level of anxiety, but I agree with the suggestion to find something else to focus on that’s very engaging, like a good page turner.
S in Chicago
Try benadryl. I used to have horrible anxiety about public speaking. It did wonders until I eventually spoke enough times in various settings to feel comfortable. (Probably how flying will get to be really routine for you.)
Anon in NYC
This post from A Practical Wedding might give you some ideas for coping: http://apracticalwedding.com/2012/05/on-overcoming-fear-of-flying/
It seems like you can take “Fear of Flying” courses.
NOLA
I used to have a colleague who was horribly afraid of flying. She used hypnosis techniques to help her and I believe it was quite successful
Ellen
I used to be afreaid of flying, but then I had to learn quick b/c the manageing partner put me on some out of town cases, and I could NOT take a train or a bus there.
So I learned quickley NOT to worry, b/c I talked first to the pilot’s about the planes and they were VERY acomodating. One even took me in the cockpitt, and showed me all of the device’s he used, and he said he was flyeing for over 20 years. Another guy said he would take me out for a drink WHEN (not if) we got there, and that made me confident he would get us there. So you should just take it easy and NOT worry about flying. There are VERY FEW Plane crashe’s. And those are cargo plane’s dad says. Dad knows all about flyeing also b/c he was in the service behind the iron curtain. I cannot tell all the stories I learned from the Komendant, or dad would skewer me. But they are VERY FUNNY (not to mom). YAY!!!!!
AnonBK
What about information overload? Research the safety statistics of flying, vs driving vs train. Realize flying is statistically much safer.
The drawback is you might be afraid to get in the car…
B
I used to have irrational fears about flying as well (esp during take off, etc), but then would remind myself (1) that statistically, it was safer than a car, etc, (2) read the safety stuff, just in case, and (3) go to sleep once settled in so that I’d be sleeping during the taxi/takeoff since once you’re in the air, it’s pretty smooth sailing.
I found that drinking on/before a flight could lead to a claustrophobic response once inebriated so I would actually advise against that, unless you handle alocohol really well.
Blonde Lawyer
I did a free online course I found very helpful. It went over little things, like the “ding” after take off that tells the flight attendants they could get up. That ding always worried me that it was the pilot calling the FA to say something was wrong. I now know that when the pilot calls the FA, it is usually for coffee.
I also take a low dose of xanax when I fly. If I get off the plane and go to something else anxiety producing, like an interview, I am totally fine. If I go straight to something relaxed, like a vacation destination, I will be pretty tired from the xanax. The nice thing about the low dose is I can then take two or three (with the docs permission) if my anxiety is really bad or just start with one and if we hit turbulence take another. An average adult does can be 3 or more of my baby doses so its not like I’m knocking myself out or anything.
I also flew next to a cardiologist once who convinced me I should have a glass of wine with the xanax but even w/ the doctor’s permission, I wasn’t comfortable trying that one out on a plane. I have accidentally had a drink hours after landing, forgetting about the xanax, and certainly felt the alcohol’s effect way more than usual.
Last but not least, I also hate take off and I get super claustrophobic with all the people and hustle and bustle during boarding. I always book an aisle seat near the bathroom so I feel like I have a little “out” and as soon as I am in my seat, I put on an eye mask so I can go into a zone and stop seeing all the hustle and bustle. Music certainly helps too. I love the airlines that let me watch their tv during take off.
Blonde Lawyer
Here is the link:
http://www.fearofflyinghelp.com/
Monte
I am in (have been in?) precisely the same boat as you. I hate takeoffs, am generally fine once settled, get freaked out by turbulence, have an overactive imagination, and have an unhealthy knowledge of previous air disasters.
A few tips: first, I drink. I don’t take anxiety meds or sleep aids — prescription meds are not something I want in my life, and I don’t want to be asleep because I need to feel that I can spring into action if needed. But a glass of wine or beer doesn’t slow my reflexes, but does relax me in that it makes me feel like I am on vacation or some sort of adventure. Similarly, I bring myself treats (trail mix or crappy candy and magazines) and put on comfy socks. I want the plane to take off because I am on my trip!
Second, I always get a window seat. When the turbulence starts, I find it extremely helpful to look outside. You may feel like you are bouncing along, but really, when you look out the window you realize you aren’t gaining or losing any real altitude. Seeing how calm things are outside gives me perspective. (I was once in a row without a window, for whatever weird reason. It is the closest I have come in my life to having a panic attack.)
Third, I read the info card and watch the video. Yes, you have seen/read it a thousand times. My issue with flying, like a lot of people, is a lack of control. I don’t know the people flying the plane or doing air traffic control. How can I trust them?? Beyond reading the stats on how safe flying is (and thus that I can generally trust the crew), I like to know that I have control over something. I count the rows to the exit, I read how to open the emergency doors. I would probably freak out in the actual situation, but I know I have done what I can do.
Finally, and this is incredibly cheesy, but as the plane is taking off (prime freak out time for me — I have contemplated unbuckling my belt and running down the aisle to abort a takeoff), I think about how freaking miraculous the whole thing is. Millennia of recorded human existence and we have only mastered flight in the last 100 years. I have elderly family members who have never done it. It is truly awesome, and I try to keep that in mind.
Nolakitty
I used to be terribly afraid of flying — so much so that I wouldn’t get on an airplane for a couple of years. I went through therapy, tried medications (Ativan, Benadryl, etc.) and almost gave up on myself. I was absolutely terrified, and flying more just made it worse. As a litigator, not flying is sub-optimal. After driving through the night to prep experts for depositions, etc., I had do to something.
In 2007, I did the SOAR course (www.fearofflying.com). It is run by a retired commercial airline pilot who also has a Masters degree in psychology. He totally gets the lack of control issue, and realizes that bombarding yourself with information regarding airline safety is great, but won’t necessarily change the way you feel about flying. Ultimately, he created a program that helps people change the negative associations their minds have created with flying. It sounds like the weirdest, goofiest thing in the world, but it works. I went from refusing to board an aircraft to flying from New Orleans to San Juan, Puerto Rico, San Francisco (several times), NYC (several times), Phoenix (several times — and once around a thunderstorm), etc. I really enjoy flying now and never thought I’d be able to say that. For the program to work properly you have to put some time and effort into it, but it really was a game changer for me.
Diana Barry
Hey ladies!! I have a wedding attire question for you all.
Family is invited to a (family) wedding in mid September. I have a dress to wear already – red tank sheath dress (just above knee). I am going to be chasing around my (multiple) children at the wedding. I need to figure out outerwear and shoes. Should I try to wear a wrap/pashmina? I can just foresee it getting in my way ALL THE TIME and getting really annoyed with it. Dressy cardigan? Evening coat/bolero thingy?
Also, for shoes. Can I get away with wearing flats? What color would you do? Or strappy sandals or closed toe shoes? Help! :-0
Anonymous
Honestly, I would just spend he money on a sitter so I don’t have to worry about chasing them around. There is no way to say this that doesn’t sound snarky but I hate when people bring rowdy children to formal events
Diana Barry
We normally would, but the kids are specifically invited to this one and they are getting kids’ meals for them – there will be at least 10 kids under 7 there.
LH
If the family was invited, the children are welcome. If the bride and groom don’t want children at the wedding there is a way to communicate that to guests. Telling someone to get a sitter for a wedding to which their children are invited and most likely very welcome is silly and unhelpful. Also, she didn’t say her kids were rowdy or badly behaved, just that they are active as all kids are.
Anonymous
chasing after them all over the place implies rowdy to me. Of course they can bring them, I just see so many out of control kids lately
Diana Barry
I have a baby who walks. There is no way we are *not* going to chase the baby all over the place! However, the baby is not rowdy, just adorable. ;)
Lyssa
FWIW, I think that kids are the absolute best thing about weddings. They’re just so cute in their formal clothing, dancing. A child-free wedding sounds just awful to me.
DB, I would go with a dressy cardi or shrug-type sweater (I can barely make a wrap work without kids!) and I think flats would be fine – maybe a strappy gold flat or very low heeled sandal? That would look great with the red. I would definitely go open-toe, but that’s me, and I live in the south. I think either is perfectly acceptable in September.
Marilla
I completely agree… I love hanging out with kids at family weddings (usually tiny children of cousins that we don’t see except at major occasions like weddings). Since they’re family, my husband and I will usually take charge of the kids for as much of the wedding as possible so their parents can relax and enjoy. As a bride, I loved dancing with the kids at my wedding – it’s a huge deal to them and it makes them feel so special.
Pat
I agree as well. In certain cultures, kids are wanted at weddings because they signify prosperity, youth and life for the groom and bride. They are also seen as good luck charms for the couple who would be having children of their own one day (assuming they want kids).
Godzilla
+1 for children at weddings. They are so cute!
Wildkitten
+1
Gov anon
And I get peeved when kids aren’t invited to family weddings. They are, after all, part of the family. And sooo darn cute in their wedding clothes.
L
How about something like this?
http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/nordstrom-collection-silk-chiffon-trim-cardigan/3422567?origin=category&BaseUrl=Cardigan
I’d say wear comfy flats as long as your not in pictures; if you are maybe try a low wedge or dressier flats.
L
Also, if you feel like black is too heavy, you could go with this
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/mural-sequin-shrug/3516057?origin=keywordsearch
Since your dress is red, I doubt the blush color would violate the rule of no white at a wedding
tesyaa
While there’s no need to keep the kids home for a family wedding to which they’re specifically invited, what about bringing along a babysitter or mother’s helper? That way your kids can still be part of the event, but you don’t have to chase after them 100% of the time.
SAlit-a-gator
I don’t see this working. The babysitter or mother’s helper will need to eat and sit, and then that’s asking for another plus one for the wedding, upping the bride and groom’s costs. If the bride and groom specifically invited the kids, and the OP is happy to watch them, I honestly don’t see the problem or need for a babysitter.
mintberrycrunch
I always think that pointed toe flats look more formal than rounded ones, so I think you could get away with a nice pair of pointed flats instead of heels. Or maybe a low wedge? I also think that a dressy cardigan could work (if you need outerwear for sure). Maybe a shrunken fit? I’m picturing a thin knit, maybe in a pattern (leopard?) and then belted with a skinny patent belt (black) and black pointed toe flats. Add a statement necklace or earrings. I think you’d look very chic, albeit maybe a little casual. :)
zora
I think a cropped-ish cardigan is fine for wedding outerwear! and I am totally on board with flats, I don’t think people notice each others’ shoes at a wedding as much as we think. But if you have flats or flat sandals with something a little blingy or fancy about them, that would be even better. Besides, everyone is going to be looking at your adorable little kids and their cute little kid shoes way more than you! sorry to break it to you! :o)
Lady Harriet
+1
I just went to a wedding last weekend and wore these blingy low-heeled sandals: http://www.6pm.com/earthies-santini-biscuit The arch support wasn’t as good as other shoes I’ve worn from this brand, but should be fine for most people. (I have super high arches.) This is last season’s style, so there aren’t many sizes left, but there’s an almost-identical shoe from this year with red and gold beading.
Anne Shirley
What time of day? I’d go with heels for evening, and a wrap, and let those wearing pants and flat shoes deal with the kids!
Anonymous
I would wear a dressy cardigan or even a nicer, structured blazer. Express actually has nice dressy blazers with a little bit of sheen to them. I have one from years ago and its my go-to for throwing over dresses and dressy outfits. I agree that a pashmina will drive you crazy.
Monte
My first call would be a rockin blazer too, following by the sheer cardigan posted above. Boleros and pashminas read a little too old/stuffy to me, and if you have a toddler, I assume you are young enough that you don’t have to go that route.
Flats with a dress are too informal for a wedding for me, but if chasing the kiddo around means that you absolutely need them, I agree that pointed toe is the way to go.
Seattleite
Dressy cardigan. You might be able to upgrade an existing one by replacing the current buttons with rhinestone ones, then switching them back later. Flats for sure, if that is your preference. Kids invited = some leeway in dress code IME, and you need to be able to keep up with tot AND carry tot without breaking an ankle. That said, is there a 12-14 year old cousin or two you could hire to spell you for an hour, on site, with the baby? They might feel very grownup and needed, and you and hubby could dance and make googly eyes at each other for maybe even *two* songs in a row.
Vicarious shopping -- wedges!
I am looking for platform wedge sandals to wear to an afternoon party next weekend. I’m looking for something comparable to a 2.5″ or lower heel (so for example, a 3.5″ heel with a 1.5″ platform) with a total heel height of at least 3″, in a warm neutral color — something like cognac/tan/light brown/gold. I’m looking for something comfortable but also s*xy. I want to spend less than $100. Any suggestions?
Anonymous
http://www.lastcall.com/p/Taryn-Rose-Shelley-Open-Toe-Wedge-Wheat/prod11630030_cat5980025__/?icid=&searchType=EndecaDrivenCat&rte=%252Fcategory.service%253FitemId%253Dcat5980025%2526pageSize%253D120%2526No%253D0%2526Ns%253DPCS_SORT%2526refinements%253D729%252C731%252C724%252C719%252C&eItemId=prod11630030&cmCat=product
How dressy do they need to be?
Godzilla
Check out Aerosoles in store. Many comfortable and cute options.
Anonymous
http://www.aerosoles.com/eng/product/plush_around/plush-aro
These are on the way to me, they have a brown/tan/gold option and I have found the brand very comfortable
Miz Swizz
Any recs for a wristlet a touch smaller than this one? I’m looking for one to accommodate my giant smartphone and a couple of cards.
B
Dooney & Burke has a small one that comes in a variety of leather/nylon options. I have it in lather and fit my two phones plus cash and cards in it.
In-House Optimist
My grandmother has given me three Coach wristlets – I’ve gotten one each Christmas for the last three Christmases. They’re in varying size, and pretty but nondescript, and all are good quality and have held up really well: I use the biggest one for loose makeup type stuff, the smallest one for cards/phone, and the medium one for a mini emergency kit (bandaids, aspirin, etc). Yes, I’m anal, but at least I know where my stuff is in my bag. :)
Miss Behaved
I’ve been carrying this one everywhere since I bought it a few weeks ago:
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/halogen-cassie-stripe-phone-wristlet/3445459?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=2375500&fashionColor=&resultback=221&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-searchresults-_-1_1_C
It comes in polka dots, patterns, and solid colors
zora
WHY OH WHY??? would you tempt all the admitted polka dot addicts on this site? Resisting. Clicking. Gah. ;o)
Miss Behaved
Sorry, I bought mine during the NAS
zora
Oooo, and I like this one with the big dots, too!! I’m glad these are a little too small for my packrat self, so I can talk myself out of buying one, PHEW
http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/kate-spade-new-york-deborah-dot-iphone-5-wristlet/3498076?origin=related-3498076-0-1-1-2-Rich%20Relevence&PageCategoryId=PP
Anonymous
Skincare Question – do you ladies have good resources for learning about skincare routines & products? I’m in my mid-twenties and wanting to get serious about this (sunscreen- chemical vs not? serums vs creams? I have no idea). I have oily/combination skin and the most I’ve tried is ponds cold cream and remembering to wash my face every night so any resources/advice would be much appreciated. I’d like to just get the right products and a regular routine going to keep my skin healthy and prevent early aging. TIA!
Mpls
Beautypedia – she’ll push Paula’s choice (since it’s her brand), but it was the resource that finally helped me sort out what product did what.
Veronique
The boards at makeupalley dot com are extremely helpful. Post a question there and they’ll point you in the right direction towards what types of products you need to create a routine. Boards and reviews can help you find specific products.
Based on my knowledge, you need daily sunscreen. I prefer physical because it works immediately (you need to wait 15 mins for chemical) and you can use it over other products (chemical is best on bare skin, since it reacts with your skin). If you have no other skin issues, I would definitely add some type of retinol at night (the most proven anti-aging product) and maybe vitamin-c or some other antioxidant in the morning.
zora
Oh yeah, one more thing. Bay Area ladies, would there be any interest in a weekday drinks meetup in SF one of these days? I was thinking a Thursday, after work. I know we’ve been doing a lot of South Bay and I’d love to catch up with the city r3tt3s ;o)
If you would be at all interested, post here, or send me an email if you know my email, and if there is any response, I’ll work on a plan and poll on dates/times.
Thanks!
SV in House
Weekday drinks in SF would be great for me! The weekend meetups never work for me due to child obligations. email: svihr3tt3@gmail.com
zora
“Children”? That’s your excuse? c’mon, priorities people, priorities!! ;o)
Susie
Weekdays or weekends are equally cr@pshoots for me (the last few weekend ones just didn’t work out for various reasons, unfortunately, though that’s mainly just coincidence) but definitely interested. I think you have my email.
k-padi
I need an excuse to work in SF for a day to meet up with a mentor of mine. Which days would work is a crapshoot but I could make it work with enough notice.
Houston Attny
This is it, Ladies! With all the SF fabulousness – this, the opera in the park thing k-padi posted about, The Princess Bride deal – I’m meeting y’all when I travel to SF!
zora
I hereby commit to setting up a meetup specifically to welcome ANY ‘r3tt3 visiting SF that would like one! Just ask here or let me know ;o) (only caveat being: if I’m going to be out of town at the time, I might not pull it off)
ral
Hello — thought I would reach out to you all for some advice. I’m in the process of moving to SF for family reasons. It’s taking longer than expected to find a new job, and since my husband is there now, I may move first and continue looking from SF. If anyone has some advice on cross-country moves/job-searching, I’d really appreciate it! Also, I’ll be in SF during the last week of August in case anyone is free to meet up. Thank you!
zora
Hi ral! Nice to hear from you. You might get some responses about your moving questions here tonight, but I would recommend posting on a morning post or early in an afternoon post to get more responses.
As for being here, I’ll do my best to set something up for that week! Send me your email and more specifics about what days/times would be best for you. zoradances at the geemail
Susie
What industry/field are you in?
ral
Hi Susie, thanks for asking! I’m in financial services, with 15yrs experience in strategy, business development and finance & pricing. Open to switching industries. Would be great to connect with anyone who can refer me to contacts. I’m at ral838 at hotmail. Thanks!
Carrie Preston
I’m interested – weekends are almost impossible for me & I’m in SF.
zora
Okay, Yay! Seems like there’s enough interest to do this. I had a feeling. And we realized that we had been heavily favoring the South Bay lately because there is a big group there, but k-padi and I have talked about running two overlapping rotations, one for weekends and one for weekdays. So, I’ll try to pull together a weekday drinks in SF every 2-3 months, cool?
I’ll start a poll for dates/times among the people who are on the current bay area email list. And then I will post on here when we have something set. if you want to share an email offline, contact me at zoradances at the mail of the googles.
Yay, hope to see you all soon!
gref
So, I’m about 3 weeks away from going out on maternity leave, and my intern has asked me to write her a letter of recommendation for OCI. I’m an in-house lawyer, and she spent the summer shadowing me so that she can fill in for me part time while I’m out (I just do compliance work so no problems with her “practicing law”).
Can someone point me to a good source for sample recommendation letter? How does this work when I’m not recommending to a specific person or for a specific position?
Anonymous
Ask her to send you a draft.
F in SF
+1
I am a banana.
Reporting back on the Boden flats featured here a while ago. I heart them. I have really wide feet and a narrow ankle and prefer toe cleavage. Wore them out on Friday night with skinnies, wearing them today at the office with dark dress pants. The ankle strap is narrow enough to actually be cute on my non-delicate ankles (at least in the nude color). I bought a second pair in the red/navy because I like them so much.
Thanks, Kat!
I am a banana.
I have wide feet and a narrow HEEL, I meant. I do not have narrow ankles. Sigh.
Pittsburgher
I bought these too and found that they STILL give me heel blisters – like every other flat. I thought the ankle strap would fix this, but it does not.
I got the black/nude, but the black actually looks like a dark navy.
Desk stress toy?
My coworker has Bucky Balls as a stress toy — small magnetic balls that you can roll around in your hand, fashion into sculptures, etc. — and I’m constantly borrowing them. They’ve been recalled as a choking hazard, or else I’d buy myself some as well. Any suggestions for a similar stress toy, or an alternative style that’s more robust than most stress balls? Thanks!
Trixie
Google “Baoding Balls” – I have some in a pretty box on my desk and rotating them in my hands during conference calls relieves stress for me. They are probably big enough not to be a choking hazard.
Williams-Sonoma Promo Code
Williams-Sonoma Promo code for 15% off, that I’m not going to use:
F68L-VX6M-DV9F
It expires today. Please post if you use it so others know.
Jennifer
A Boden question. I am apple shaped (though not terribly busty); 5’2″ and maybe 36C with a 30-inch waist. Small hips. A lot of Boden dress reviews say they are a bit boxy. Is that so? Do any of you apple/banana-shaped ladies have luck with their dresses? I love dresses but have a tough time zipping them up. ;)
Anon-NC
These might work for you. I’m a pear and find that there is more space in the middle on my figure and not enough in the seat on their dresses. For blouses, I size down or I am just engulfed in fabric in their “relaxed fit” items. Pretty things — maybe something will work out for you!
Parfait
I’m a pear with a belly, and their jersey dresses pretty much always work for me. I have a ton of ’em. The ones in non-stretchy fabric have been more hit-and-miss.
Anon
I know this has been discussed before and I’ll probably post again tomorrow, but I’m interested in hearing any stories of fellow e t t e s who have rescinded accepted job offers prior to starting when something better came along and lived to tell the tale. On one hand, I don’t want to inconvenience the new employer when they are incredibly nice, and I feel like it’s poor form to renege on an agreement (I’ve accepted in writing but haven’t signed a contract or anything, it’s at-will).
On the other hand, the new job would have similar hours, pays a lot more and is more the type of work that I’m interested in. My feeling is to stay with what I’ve committed to and keep in touch with the other place in case down the line the job doesn’t work out etc. My SO thinks that I’m nuts to not put my own career first and do what I think would be a better fit now. Thoughts/criticism welcome.
JB
I haven’t been in your situation, but you haven’t started yet and this other opportunity pays significantly more and is more interesting. Sounds like a slam dunk to me. The only question is if the orgininal firm is a place with a very strong reputation and people you would not want to burn bridges with at this point in your career.
Anonymous
I agree with your SO. Unless you’re talking screwing over a judge and you’re a lawyer, companies secure your loyalty with money and a contract. They didn’t offer enough money, and they didn’t enter into a contract, so I’d take the new job. I’d feel bad, but I’d do it.
Veronique
According to askamanager, you should never rescind an accepted offer unless you are ok with burning bridges with the company whose offer you accepted, as well as (potentially) anyone else who hears the story. It is considered to be very bad form to do so and can have a negative effect on your reputation. People talk and people change companies all the time, so you never know where you’ll meet someone from that company again. How would you feel if a company offered you a, you resigned from your old job, and then they retracted the offer? Would you ever consider working for them again? Would you warn your friends/family away if they were considering working for that company? It’s the thing when employees do it.
See related aam posts here http://www.askamanager.org/2010/07/can-i-back-out-of-my-new-job-if-i-get.html and here http://www.askamanager.org/2009/06/accepted-job-offer-waiting-to-hear-on.html
Anonymous
I agree with the others – why take the first job just to be nice, when you will always be wondering “what if…” about this other job? Besides, you can nicely, tactfully, and kindly explain to the first job that you greatly appreciate their offer, but have decided to accept a different position that has since been offered to you, as it is more in line with your future goals, the company culture is a better fit, etc. etc. Better to turn down the first job before you start than to come on board only to leave after a short time. You will burn way more bridges that way than by turning it down in the first place.
One caveat – make SURE job #2 is a firm offer before you turn down job #1. Don’t turn down job #1 with just the hope that job #2 will be a possibility.
Anonymous
How long have you been in “acceptance mode”, and what is your rapport with your hiring people? People are aware that you are looking broadly – so weigh your relationships.
Is this a competitive hire? Is there someone in a “next” position who could step forward?
Who else has been involved – your mentors & references, and to what degree?
Have you or they announced anything publicly (FB counts)
What is the level of interaction between the two employers? (If you take offer B, are you going to be working with firm A either collaboratively or adversarially)
Is Offer 2 is a slam dunk? Once-in-a-long-time opportunity?
What is your level of Imposter Syndrome, and does that have any role in avoiding Offer 2.
How are the people, and their respective reputations in each position? If offer B comes with drama (and related hazardous duty pay) A might be better, because money isn’t everything.
Think hard about timing, people and relationships, decide for yourself on what you can live with, and why you’re making the decision. Glad you’re reaching out to get some sense of the foundations for your upcoming course of action (even if it’s staying the course)
Notinlaw
I’m looking to replace a Coach tote that has seen better days.
Here are the ones that I’m considering. As a fed, I need a nice bag but not necessarily super formal/expensive. I do want it big enough to shlep some files home and to meetings but not giant.
http://www.zappos.com/overland-equipment-nantucket-black-dusty-blue?zfcTest=fcl%3A3
http://www.zappos.com/calvin-klein-key-item-saffiano-leather-tote-black-2?zfcTest=fcl%3A3
http://www.zappos.com/dooney-bourke-victoria-black-black?zfcTest=fcl%3A3
http://www.zappos.com/brighton-deena-book-bag-black?zfcTest=fcl%3A3
http://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/38451?feat=677-GN1&page=town-and-field-tote-leather
Any rants/raves as far as quality or appearance?
TOS
My preference is for the LLBean tote. Quality and customer service. The only thing I would check is how well you can put the bag over your shoulder.