ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Pencil Midi Skirt in Four-Season Stretch

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A woman wearing a red midi skirt with ivory top, carrying a snakeskin-print bag

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

The classic knee-length pencil skirt seems to be on hiatus for the moment, but I’m loving the midi-length versions that I’m seeing now. This brick red version from J.Crew has the perfect combo of stretch and structure, and the color is just stunning.

My only hesitation is the front slit, but I think that’s going to require an in-person try-on to see if it works. (Don’t forget the old mirror trick: ) 

The skirt is on sale for $104.50 (marked down from $148) at J.Crew and comes in sizes 00-24. It also comes in ivory, navy, and black for $89.50.

Looking for more? Some of our favorite work skirts of 2025 include classic pencil skirts like those from J.Crew,* Ann Taylor, Black Halo, Calvin Klein, Theory, and this Amazon seller); if you want one with a slight flare check out this Anthropologie skirt. (Also: readers love these slip shorts for comfort with bare legs!)

pencil skirt from Ann Taylor
Ann Taylor
woman wears dark gray skirt, light gray sweater, and caramel suede heels
J.Crew (exact)
navy pencil skirt, navy top and silver shiny heels
Theory (exact)
one of the best pencil skirts for work, a high-waisted style from Black Halo - the model is styled wearing navy with black
Black Halo

Sales of note for 3/10/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + 20% off
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale and select styles with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off everything + extra 20% off when you buy 3+ styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off all pants & sweaters; extra 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Flash sale until midday 3/14: $50 off every $200 – combineable with other offers, including 40% off one item and 30% off everything else

242 Comments

  1. Any recommendations for sheer or semi-sheer tights that last more than one wearing? Wolford snagged, Shapermint was opaque and plasticky, and Sheertex bagged at the knees and ankles, rolled down, and came with odd variations in the knit.

    1. Good morning! Can anyone recommend a beginner friendly weight lifting routine? I’m looking for a 3 day ppl 30-45 minutes if possible. I’m in my early forties. I tried new rules of lifting for women years ago but remember it being way too much too soon. I need to start slow. Thanks!

    3. I feel like only lasting for one wear is just the price of admission for sheer tights.

      2. I wore them daily back in the day (Oh God I feel old!) because my law firm had a “no pants/no bare legs” policy for women and this was before tights were considered acceptable for adults. I promise you can make them last multiple wears. The key is to buy them a little bigger than you need, use extreme care in putting them on (pads of your fingers, never nails), and the judicious use of clear nail polish to small runs in places they cannot be seen. Also, the sheerer the hose, the harder to maintain so matching your skin tone in a. slightly less sheer hose is important.

      1. Are DKNY tights still a thing? I looked for them around a year ago and couldn’t find them. They were always my favorites for the wide waistband and the way the material wasn’t shiny.

          1. Back when sheer hose were a daily wear for work wear I wore these and put them through the washer and dryer. They were pricey but the cost per wear was good. Sometimes I wonder if mall level clothing will ever go back to good quality.

    6. Dim Touch! Not sure how widely available they are in the US but they are by far the best.

      1. Thanks for the recommendation! They are available on line in the US and are less expensive than other brands. I ordered some to try.

    7. I really like Swedish Stockings plus they have a recycling program where you can mail in old ones of any brand!

    10. If by “sheer tights” you mean what we used to call “panty hose” or “stockings”, Hanes Silk Reflections are comfy, silky feeling, and shockingly durable. You can get them at Macy’s, JC Penny, or online pretty easily.

      1. That’s what I wear for hose now that DKNY no longer makes them. By sheer tights I mean something between hose and opaque tights that is more durable than hose, like in the 20-30 denier range.

    11. I like the Target Assets. As a GenX who had to wear hose at most of the jobs I had in my 20s, the trick was to size up so they wouldn’t snag or rip quite so easily. Also handwash them or put in one of those little delicates bags.

    12. M&S online, the autograph one’s. The colours are all messed up but you want the 2nd from the whitest if you are a pale white woman. If you have darker skin they have a good selection for everything through to ebony skin. They last and I wash them in a laundry bag in the machine.

      If you can’t wait the L’eggs from target work quite well.

    13. are sheer tights the same as panty hose? Is this just semantics so people don’t think they are buying what grandma wears?

  2. This could turn into a mess but I want to talk this out. My parents basically bought me an apartment in a major city -they said it was basically getting my inheritance early. I’m obviously very lucky and grateful about that. I work in a nonprofit but in a specialty that gets paid better than more nonprofit roles. Said speciality could get paid a lot more anywhere else. I’ve pretty much always worked in nonprofits except for one stint in big 4 which I hated.

    I save well, I have good retirement savings etc. My parents paid for college and I got scholarships etc for grad school so no loans. So because of their support I’m in a great financial position.

    They are immigrant parents and very fiscally conservative. They always want me to go get a higher paying job – especially now with all the potential impacts on nonprofits. I’m like, part of the reason I’m fine with my fine-but-not-great nonprofit salary is because I’m financially fine. If I didn’t have an apartment for example I would be more motivated to say forget about nonprofits, I need the money.

    I might soon become the lowest paid member of my friend group. I make enough for vacations and eating out and everything else, so the difference in salary is just in amount saved. Honestly though, that made me feel like I want a job that pays more.

    At the same time, I love my current job and it is only more important and impactful as things fall apart. I’m not going to tell my parents that the way they’ve set me up is part of what is not making me want to take the higher earning path they want though. My parents also do have solid retirement savings so its not an “apartment in exchange for paying for things later” situation – although of course I would.

    1. It sounds like you’re fine? But you’re asking two questions, I think. 1) how to explain your not wanting to change jobs to your parents and 2) how to deal with now wanting to change jobs because of your friends. For the first, I think you can just tell them that you’re very happy and satisfied with your current job and are grateful to them for making it so that you can work there and still be financially fine. For the second, only you can know if you are more motivated by money or your actual work. For my two cents, a lot of the people I know who pursued jobs that are v. highly compensated in my friend circle also burnt out more and generally seem kind of miserable in those jobs if they’re still doing them now. I realized pretty early on that it was important for me personally to actually like my work. I am paid well enough but I know I could be paid more if I pursued other career arcs. The financial trade off is well worth it to me though because I truly don’t mind going to work after vacation or a long weekend and sometimes even can’t wait to do it.

      1. Part of it is I’m not sure if they’ve made this connection and if I should highlight it – ” grateful to them for making it so that you can work there and still be financially fine” – or if that would be ungrateful since their stated preference is that I make more money. But now they’ve also come to like/appreciate/accept my job

        1. I am guessing, but assuming their preference that you make more money is really reflecting a “we want you to be financially secure and safe because we know how hard life can be without that”, would there be a reasonable way to frame “I’m grateful” around stability – like their gift is making it possible for you to do this job /and/ have healthy retirement savings, or an emergency fund, etc.

    2. When you consider all the aspects of this, don’t forget to check your assumption that they want you to make as much as possible. Did you share your stress with them when you are at big 4? They may be happy to see that you have found a good balance between financial responsibility and not being miserable. Parents want kids to be happy (or at least not unhappy) in addition to financial success.

      1. Oh no they’ve (especially my mom) have told me that they want to make as much as possible! It’s all tied up in how they were able to provide for us this much, which is fair, and wanting us to have the same priorities

        1. I’m so sorry. That’s really harsh to hear that they don’t care if you are miserable at work as long as you make as much money as possible .

          1. I think it’s okay to appreciate where people are coming from. I think for a lot of immigrant parents or those who come from different financial circumstances than they find themselves in, it is important to be financially secure and the idea that you would be happy without that is hard to compute. That’s why I think highlighting that you’re fine in OP’s situation is important. I have a lot of family like this and they don’t view it as “be miserable as long as you make money” so much as “you have no idea how harsh life is if you don’t have your finances in order.” It doesn’t sound like OP’s parents are unreasonable, maybe just worried that she won’t be able to sustain her lifestyle without their help and needing some assurances about why her choices make sense.

    3. I think maximizing feeling like one is contributing positively to the world and happiness is ideal, assuming the finances work. Aren’t there a bunch of studies that show people are no happier on average at incomes above a certain level?

      However, it’s really hard to know how much money is “enough” in a country without much of a social safety net in the event of job loss due to the onset of unexpected health problems or wider economic problems.

      I think you just have to figure out the level of savings that feels comfortable to you and live your life in the most meaningful way you can compatible with finances that feel reasonable given your circumstances.

    4. The great thing about being an adult is you don’t have to do what your parents want.

      1. This. You also don’t have to tell them the truth if you need to baby step your independence. Inflate your salary, say you’re looking, say you’ve been promoted, whatever you feel like buys you time.

        1. +1. Or don’t tell them your salary – just say you’re doing great and you’re happy with the salary.

          This may be regional – we don’t talk money specifics in the midwest – but my parents haven’t known my salary since I started working professionally.

          1. That is very regional and cultural. My parents ALWAYS asked what I was making every time I told them I’d gotten a raise or changed jobs or whatever. I also have friends who are extremely open and nosey about this.

            Though I will say that I did lie to my parents about this when I knew there would be a lot of follow up.

    5. what’s your actual question? Do you want a new job?

      Put yourself out there, see what kind of bites you get. See what the world and salary would be like. Job shopping isn’t a commitment. Private sector isn’t necessarily big 4. Nor is it necessarily big 4 salary.

      1. It sounds like they do not want a new job, but are feeling social pressure to not be “the broke friend” comparatively. I’m this friend–non profits and public sector my whole career. I’m in my 40’s now so the social pressure doesn’t matter much to me now, but it did earlier in my life. Not everyone gets to make a difference in the world, so if that matters to you and your work warrants that descriptor, then stay the course, because you can.

        If you want to honor your parent’s worldview and set your future children up financially (not sure this is a good enough reason, but many people feel this way) at the expense of your short-term happiness (you can get used to any type of job eventually) then try to go for the dollars while you can.

        1. Yeah feeling the social pressure especially since if I worked in the specialty field elsewhere I would be one of the higher paid friends. Which writing it out sounds really dumb. One of my friends literally said “anon_for_this, you’re the only one of us who hasn’t sold out” . . . which is true.

          I generally don’t want to honor my parents worldview. And I do fully know that I don’t have to listen to my parents – that’s how I’m where I am and not still at a big 4. It’s just we do live in a society and parents are part of that.

          1. I mean, they all have a point. You don’t get extra points in life for struggling. A house is great but that’s not going to be the only thing you need in life, which is long and expensive.

          2. Have you considered moving? Don’t let your apartment (and its location) be the thing that keeps you stuck & brings you down. If you can make more elsewhere and do the same work that you value, why wouldn’t you? You mention this several times, why?

          3. Sorry not about moving locations – I would make more if I moved to a different industry. Like moved into the private sector.

          5. I think she eventually will though, and that’s likely her parents and friend’s concern. A house gives her some financial freedom, but it’s not winning the lottery. She sounds young and like she’s potentially squandering her peak earning years.

          6. This board is very out of touch sometimes.

            There’s absolutely no indication that she’ll struggle in the future. She owns an apartment and has no debt. That’s already way ahead of most. She might not be able to pay for $100k per month memory care when she’s 96, but neither will 99% of the population. That doesn’t mean she’s struggling.

          7. Seriously…. OP, your life sounds perfect to me. Loving parents who gave you amazing gifts and you are financially free. You really are. No debt. NO HOUSE/CONDO payment. You have a job that is meaningful that you love, and it sounds like your work hours are reasonable. You have friends and have time for them. You are probably ahead of 95% of people your age in savings, and you don’t even realize it.

            How old are you?

            Stop sharing details of your $ with your parents.

    6. If you just want to placate them out of respect, just say “I always have my eyes open if a great opportunity comes up.”

      1. Is it wrong/spoiled/ungrateful to be okay with my nonprofit job and not focused on money if its only because my parents have set me up so I don’t have to worry about money as much?

        3. Only if you’re ungrateful for the context you find yourself in. It’s wrong/spoiled/ungrateful to sit where you are and judge your friends for selling out, for example, or judge your parents for making money when you are benefiting from the security that provides. If you appreciate how fortunate you are to be able to work in your chosen field without having to sacrifice other comforts, I think you’re fine. My only issue is with people who choose to work at, e.g., Legal Aid with a trust fund and then complain about others who can’t afford to do the same.

        4. I don’t think it’s wrong or spoiled. You are financially secure and have a job that you like. It’s smart to appreciate this situation as very very rare.

        5. To answer your question – no. But I’m also from an immigrant family and the expectation is that you become a doctor and that’s it. I know that for a lot of immigrant parents, having a high paying, high status job is important to them.

          If you’re happy and financially stable in your current job, then don’t change anything.

          1. My sister used to be the wildchild and now she’s a doctor – it’s funny to see the dynamics shift.

        6. Of course not. Your problem is that you work a good job and have financial assets? Girl that’s not a problem. Stop inventing problems.

    8. Aren’t you in the exactly perfect position to look for a higher-paying job? Occasionally check to see what’s out there, interview, discuss salary and workload. It’s not the worst idea anyway – non-profits can fold, you could get a horribly toxic boss, etc.

      Question asked without any judgement: do you want kids? Because the thing about kids is that the job that pays you the most as a parent isn’t always the job that pays the most; it’s the one that you manage to stay in while doing daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, sick days, burning PTO for all the random days that schools are closed, etc. I am definitely team “don’t lean out before you have to,” but if marriage and kids are on the horizon, it’s a good way to gently push back against your parents.

      1. Yeah I can keep an eye out for another job, which I do. I don’t really think a unicorn higher paying job for an org I don’t hate is going to pop up at this moment but never hurts to be generally aware. And if something comes up sure I’ll consider it.

        Honestly in some ways this job is remote and flexible and would be perfect for all that – except occasionally there is crazy travel. I think maybe 1 person I work with in a similar role has kids. But thats manageable and could be scaled back so its probs a good tactic.

    9. As someone who has taken the public sector route, I think it’s SO important to enjoy the work you do and feel good about the work you do and its impact.

      You of course need to be able to support the lifestyle you want or need, but I don’t think chasing money for the sake of chasing money is ever the right decision.

      I’ve always been the worst paid friend, but I’ve also been able to double my salary in 5 years and feel comfortable now – I’m even taking a vacation this summer! I’m debt free and just live a little more modestly, but I also don’t deny myself

    10. Tell your parents either how much you’ve managed to save or the percentage you’re saving annually to reassure them that you’re doing fine.

      And get new friends. I can’t imagine being friends with people who make me feel like I need to be making more money, when I’m able to afford eating out, traveling, and saving.

      1. I did do that once with my mom and she calmed down about it, so good point. My dad roughly knows and is honestly chill with all of it. He does the family finances and my mom knows nothing about them – that’s just their dynamic.k She’s a doctor too. But I think not knowing about finances makes it easier to fret about them vs. seeing “X% is going towards XYZ each month”.

    11. Do you think your parents’ desire for you to earn more is because they feel that they set you up for success financially by paying for college/the apartment/etc., they expect you to pay it forward by doing the same for any children you have in the future, and they are concerned that your chosen industry doesn’t pay enough to allow you to do that? If they feel that you are obliged to provide any future children with the same financial opportunities that your parents gave you but you don’t feel that you have that duty (or you don’t plan to have children), it makes sense that your definition of being “financially secure” would be very different from theirs.

    12. I think it is hard to not compare when you feel like the lowest paid member of your friend group, but it sounds like you have something that they don’t have, too (a job with impact). That, to me at least, is worth a lot more than a higher salary figure, and especially in your situation when you are otherwise financially secure. Many people as they get older struggle with having jobs that feel meaningless, which at least to me, a lot of the higher paid jobs feel like. And then when they have kids, many women end up leaving those jobs anyways because it is hard to work in a meaningless job when it takes you away from something more meaningful (kids).

      1. Okay, but also: It’s possible to work in a job (and industry) that has meaning and positive impact on society AND get paid very well (high six figures and more). It doesn’t have to be either/or.

    13. Comparison is the thief of joy. Maybe evaluate how content you are with where you are absent the friend factor, and go from there.

    14. You wanting to keep up with your friends is different than wanting to make more to please your parents.

      Separate those two and examine why each of those are motivating this itch of yours.

      I’ve had a long and interesting career, and there were definitely points where I felt comfortable and didn’t want change. But sometimes things change on their own anyway. There are few jobs anymore that are “one and done” employment for life situations. In hindsight, every time I pushed myself to try something new is something I’m glad I did in the long run.

  3. I really like the color for a skirt or bottom. Front slit and side slit sheath dresses were a thing 10 years ago. They are for standing around in and I like sitting too much.

    1. Agree. No way a front slit works sitting in an office all day. Very chic walking across a room though.

    2. It’s a gorgeous skirt. I wish Elizabeth or someone would put together an outfit for it: top, jacket if need be, shoes.

    3. Agree. Love, love the look when standing but a hard no if my day involves sitting around others without being at a desk or table.

      1. I found a purple The Skirt in a box the last time I moved, and it was such a fun blast from the past!

    5. I have it, it’s so long that the slit just keeps it from going into sister wife territory. I style with flat riding boots over tights with a sweater or blazer for a rainy day equestrian look.

    6. This is beautiful, but I sit at a desk with no apron front in an office with fully transparent glass facing the hallway, so it’s a no.
      (Obviously this office was designed by men!)

  4. Have you ever seen a marriage or another important relationship fall apart due to excessive phone use? I ask because in my own life, I’ve seen the following:

    – My best friend’s husband spend literally hours and hours on TikTok despite their young kids needing attention
    – My boomer uncles (two of them) stepping away from their dying brother’s bedside to go check weather, sports, news, anything they could scroll through (I understand this one a bit more because it was really hard to be there, but I’m not sure that’s how they would have acted if he had died 30 years ago).
    – One of the same uncles meeting his new grandson for 30 seconds before stepping out to send a text “to an old buddy” that was 100% not urgent (his daughter, my cousin, is still mad about it years later).
    – My MIL who has ADD getting sucked into YouTube videos on her phone, even though she has a long list of important tasks (like replacing a cracked front door) that really need to get done
    – Every time I go to the park, I see parents absolutely glued to their phones while their kids are trying to engage with them.
    – Me, checking my phone multiple times even though I haven’t received any notifications and even though I have a sleeping baby on my lap and a good book next to me.

    There are probably a few I’m missing from IRL, but in the online world, I also see tons, literally tons, of posts on parenting forums about how much people are struggling with their phones and how husbands in particular have excessive usage even though it’s harming family life and division of labor. It’s making me wonder if anyone has experienced actual consequences and fracturing of relationships. Personally, I hate how much I use my phone and how addicted I clearly am. It doesn’t stop me from being mad at my husband when he scrolls through news while our baby is smiling at him for the first time.

    1. Is the last sentence of your post — about being angry at your husband — the fuel behind this post? If so, are the two of you able to talk about your phone time and his phone time? (Or is this an ongoing issue that you’re feeling increasingly frustrated over?)

      1. No, I wouldn’t say it’s a HUGE issue – and if I’m honest, I’m on my phone just as much, just at slightly different times. I’m more surprised by how much phone use has permeated EVERY aspect of life (and all generations) and I’m hearing more and more from friends and family that it’s becoming problematic. I just had a good friend in town over the weekend and she was bemoaning how her husband will disappear into the bathroom for 45 minutes when he has his phone. He’ll come out brimming with sports stats and oblivious to their plans/the kids’ needs/whatever is going on. Seems like everyone in my life has some variation on “the phone is becoming a problem,” and I didn’t even touch on the issues my parent friends are facing with their kids using devices! Mine is too young for that to be an issue yet.

        1. As for men on toilets reading for 45 minutes, as someone who’s been married multiple decades now, I have to say this is not new. It just used to be Sports Illustrated or the paper. Or both.

          1. Sitting on the toilet for 45 minutes is sort of “Welcome to Hemorrhoids.” Definitely a common habit but not recommended.

            You’re right about the sports pages though. My first husband and I lived in a series of one bath flats/homes, and every time FIL visited he’d disappear into our only bathroom with the sports page for over an hour. If you’d met MIL you’d understand why he hid too.

            But that is what they’re doing. Hiding from responsibility and interaction with their families.

    2. I share your frustration!
      I posted a while back about phone use and received great input from this board.
      I believe it can be looked up as a topic.

        1. I tried looking & cannot find it
          The post was titled smart watch etiquette
          6.26.24

    3. I don’t relate to this at all. My friends and family put their phones away when we’re socializing. My husband and I keep our phones in a different room once we get home from work. These behaviors are a choice.

    4. 30 years ago, the uncles would have left their dying brother to go have a cigarette, drink bad vending machine coffee, find a pay phone and call their wives, find a tv and see who was winning the game, to buy a newspaper, etc. When people need a break from things, they come up with any excuse.

      I do think phones make it easier and more addictive for some people, though when I was a child 30 years ago, I never went anywhere without my nose in book. My parents were constantly nagging at me not to spend the entire family vacation reading, banned books from the dinner table, and tried (unsuccessfully) to make sure I didn’t read past a certain time at night. Other kids were constantly watching tv or playing video games. Clearly phones have this effect on more people than books do and are more portable and socially acceptable for adults than tv or video games, but the tuned out dad watching tv or golfing for hours has been a thing for decades.

      All of which is to say, I do think that phones are maybe uniquely bad in the way that they train us only want to read or watch very short things, but people wanting to be distracted and tuned out of what’s going on around them isn’t new at all. Sometimes it’s because people aren’t happy in the situations they’re in, sometimes it’s just because life is hard and you need a break every now and then. If it actually interferes with relationships or getting things done, though, then it does need to be addressed, like any other unhealthy coping mechanism.

      1. Re: your first paragraph, very true, but at least a man on a cigarette break could respond to a question the first time it was asked. “Bob…hey Bob? It’s time.” as Bob is in his own world on his phone seems newer.

      3. This is true, and it’s also not okay for the tuned out dad to watch tv for hours and ignore the family.

        I do think phones have a different wrinkle in that it’s become so much easier to do this, and the social media and other companies have attention capture down to a science, so it affects so many more people. Although I was another who always had a book in hand, I never would have whipped it out in the middle of a group conversation that was kind of boring. Yet I have a couple of friends who will do this with their phones. It’s so rude.

    5. I see you. I also struggle putting down my phone. I find it most difficult at the end of the day when I’m tired. I see it in my husband too. It’s difficult to talk about with a partner because you’re both struggling with the same problem.

    6. I’m not sure, but this is a sore spot in my marriage for sure. DH has ADHD and he gets so incredibly engrossed in his phone. He is a great, engaged partner until his phone start vibrating, or he starts looking into something, and then he is dead to the world and it’s really hard to get him to snap out of it. This bugs me 100 times more now that we have a toddler. He is otherwise a great guy and I don’t want to split, but I’m running out of ways to say hey you need to look at your phone less and be more present with the real live human beings in your home.

      1. Check out the ADHD_partners subreddit. It’s a great support group for the special hell that we live.

    7. My marriage is struggling and my husband’s phone use is a huge factor. He’s tied to it 24/7 despite not having a challenging job. Since reading The Anxious Generation last year and making him read it I’ve cut back on my phone use and keep it in another room when with our kid.

      In contrast he’s always on the phone, this morning he was on his phone when our daughter came in and he just ignored her which made me deal with her and therefore late to work. Every night at dinner and while playing he’s on the phone. He drinks a lot after the kid is down, I go to bed, then he wakes up in the middle of the night to scroll more and wakes me up, then he’s cranky in the morning and more scrolling to help him wake up.

      I’ve brought it up so many times and he’s not going to change. I’m constantly told I’m not fun, I don’t understand his stress, so last weekend I got a babysitter and had a date night and he kept pulling out his phone then. I give up.

      1. While it’s very women’s magazine, presuming you liked each other before you had a kid, this kind of screams go take a vacation together without the kid. A date night isn’t going to cut it. Once you’re away for a bit, really talk about things. The little kid years are hard and I’m not convinced therapy and divorce are the right answers.

        1. What if he’s on the phone all the time on the vacation though? I think the vacation is a good idea though, removes some other variables so you can figure things out.

          1. I wouldn’t expect him to go cold turkey, but it’s a lot more likely to be successful than sitting on a therapist’s couch glaring at each other.

    8. 30 years ago, your uncles would have stepped outside for a smoke break … that would last the better part of an hour. Some things are just human behavior!

    9. My dad it about at his wit’s end with my mom’s excessive Instagram use. For other reasons, I am 100% sure she has undiagnosed ADHD, which she will admit she probably does, and it’s playing a role but she doesn’t seem willing to do anything about it. It’s very frustrating.

    10. My husband’s phone habits are my least favorite things about him as a person and almost all issues in our marriage stem from that. But I also agree with the other comments that say humans have been ignoring each other since forever, phones just make it easier, so I don’t think that if all phones disappeared today we would never have another conflict about him not paying attention to me or our son.
      We had a Serious Conversation this week about his screen use around our son, and he’s been much better the past few days. He’ll likely need another reminder later, but my book club is reading The Anxious Generation in April, so I figure that’ll be a good way to revisit the topic.

  5. Professional advice needed. I’ve been managing/supervising for 10+ years at this point and honestly always considered myself a good manager. My prior staff has been successful, has stayed in touch, I’ve always done well with retention, gotten good feedback, etc. A situation happened this week which has me 100% doubting myself…

    I work at a big org in a group where 60% of the senior staff came from the same ‘burnout’ org – Big 4 Grooming. There’s about 5 of us who worked together on the llamas team plus another two who worked on the Horses team. I hired someone from horses and have been really happy with their performance. They were promoted and I’ve been super flexible and supportive as they’ve had a lot of family and health challenges. From my perspective, when they’ve repeatedly told me they were overwhelmed or felt behind I made sure to take things off their plate or remove them from things I could just cover. I had previously thought I was being clear about this.

    This week, what I felt was out of the blue but clearly not… They basically told me that they felt like they have never been accepted here because we’re all so close from our llama connections, brought up a weird interaction with her prior horse colleague where she felt like she was being attacked for her political beliefs (which I don’t know and don’t actually care about for work purposes), and told me that she felt like i had overstepped in my interactions with her team.

    From my perspective, I have invested a lot of time into this employee and she’s very technically capable. I’m being much more aware to add her on things but verbally tell her it’s optional and also was transparent that while we do have the llama connection, she has always been thought highly of by everyone who works here.

    I want to retain this staffer because we are just now at the point where I feel my load being lightened by her, she does good work, and is good to have around… I’m also wondering how I can encourage her to see her own role in building connections… I take a lot of blame here but also think I need her to acknowledge what she can do herself to help resolve this…. Honestly, have at me. I felt like such hot garbage after this discussion that I feel like I need any suggestions.

    1. You sound great and she sounds off. I wouldn’t base your self assessment on this one person.

    3. I’m having a bit of a hard time sorting out your account, but are you saying that the five llama people actually ARE doing things apart from the horse people, and, specifically, her?

      And are you saying that you actually DID “interfere” with her team, as you were making arrangements that allowed flexibility for her?

      If so (and I’m not sure it is, because the post doesn’t come out and say that), then it’s understandable that she has the view she does. Maybe not justifiable or correct to be upset about, simply that from her perspective, these things did happen. I don’t think this is reason for you to feel like hot garbage or question your entire management career, unless there is much more going on here?

      1. Sorry. The llamas aren’t going out for lunch or having secret club meetings or anything, but we do all know each other because of prior job. The horses know each other because of prior job similarly, but staffer feels that the llamas have a level of internal acceptance that she (a horse) does not.

        And re: the team. I didn’t get pushback when I was directly approving her team’s work as their grand boss. The immediate issue had to do with some big picture instruction that I gave her team that came up organically in conversation . Like it was a question about an account that had an answer which was obvious to me and the one team member who knew about (let’s say) contracting but if you didn’t have the background to know what a bid was, it became much harder to understand. By understanding what the process was, the team was able to understand what the answer was and the why. I like the teaching part and it’s something that I wanted done, but knowing that their boss (former horse employee) was overwhelmed I did it myself.

        In writing this out, I feel like there is likely something else going on and the frustration is a symptom of a bigger problem.

    4. I’m not seeing anything you did wrong here, based on your post. I guess if most of you share the same history it would be good to be mindful that you’re not overly reliant on inside jokes or stuff that only makes sense with that background… but I’m not getting that from what you said.

      1. Honestly, the closest thing I can think is that one of the seniors goes directly to me with questions about a specific project…. But I am also the only person who has the historical knowledge on the technical side and it interconnects with one of the other teams I manage (outside of her portfolio).

    5. Sorry, this whole llamas and horses thing is clouding my inference from this post. What did the disgruntled employee mean (with examples) of how she’s been left out and how she felt you were overstepping? Did you ask her for actual anecdotal data?

    6. It sounds like she might be a little reserved/introverted and hasn’t been able to connect into the team. Instead of thinking about the Llama folk do, I’d think about opportunities to integrate/socialize her more with the team. Can she run a routine meeting or something similar that would force her to reach out to others more? Do you need some kind of team building activities to integrate the newer members more? If you haven’t tried anything in particular, I’d brainstorm what you can do to try to meet her needs. Maybe your team composition used to turnover more often, or used to have less of the Llama focused group, and you’re not used to having a newer member in the group.

  6. Reposting because of my above nesting fail.

    Good morning! Can anyone recommend a beginner friendly weight lifting routine? I’m looking for a 3 day ppl 30-45 minutes if possible. I’m in my early forties. I tried new rules of lifting for women years ago but remember it being way too much too soon. I need to start slow. Thanks!

    1. I really like Lift with Cee. She has YouTube, but I’ve also paid for her “6 week challenge” because I like being told exactly what to do and when.

    2. The Sweat app has several programs from which to choose. Start off with the shorter introductory programs and then move up to the longer ones.

    3. Relate. I need to start REALLY slow when I’m coming off a period of not doing strength. Programs that say “do 60 squats but if you’re a beginner don’t use a weight!” and that’s too much for me – literally 10 squats can be a good starter set for me. Following.

      1. Same!!! I know I’m aging but even as a young woman squats would impact me for days. It’s crazy how that’s rarely acknowledged by medical experts when discussing the importance of strength training. I suspect it’s a reason a lot of people avoid or quit it.

    5. Fitness Blender has some! They’ve got a bodyweight program that blends well into a beginning weight lifting one. I do them at home, but you also could do in a gym with headphones.

    6. Stephanie Buttermore’s Women’s Foundations Program or her Quick & Effective Women’s Training Program.

    7. I love Sydney Cummings and Heather Robertson on YouTube—Sydney if you prefer realtime coaching/positive pep talks, or Heather if you’d rather do your workout without talking.

  7. What are your recommendations/tips for a trip to Amsterdam? We’re staying near the Museum Square and Vondelpark. When traveling we generally like local food, walking, museums, the arts, shopping — it’s our first time so everything sounds interesting.

    1. Amsterdam is very walkable! What time of year are you going?
      Kim France had a post last year about shopping in Amsterdam, I would look it up. Not sure if it’s still the case, but Thursday used to be the big shopping day when stores stayed open till 8, otherwise be -repaired for stuff to close around 6.

      The Van Gogh museum is pretty cool, as is Rembrandthuis. Rijksmuseum is also amazing, as is the botanical garden if you’re into that.

      Food is generally great and I love the “milky coffee” they serve (it’s called “Koffie verkeerd” and is similar to a latte or cafe au lait but somehow much much better proportioned). Also eat some of the huge Dutch pancakes that are sold everywhere and have some Australian Homemade ice cream.

    2. The Vondelpark is stunning. I loved the Rijksmuseum. The collection of Medieval paintings is incredible and as worthy of attention as the more famous 17th-century portraits, IMHO. Everyone said Anne Frank’s house is truly moving, but we couldn’t get tickets, so book soon. Cafe Restaurant Orff, across the street from Rembrandt’s House, has good beer and bitterballen. Walking around 9 Straatjes is admittedly touristy, but I loved it, and there were lots of good snack options. The rooftop of the science museum has a beautiful view and is free (you don’t need to go into the museum, which seems cool, but more for children). If you are going during tulip season, the Keukenhof is not what I expected; it’s like the Disney World of Gardens, but so so perfect (though I wouldn’t pay extra for the activities not included in the regular ticket). Eat all the Stroopwafel.

      1. We got a guide for the Rijksmuseum and it was worth every penny. Also there is a great pancake restaurant very close (next door?) to the Anne Frank House

    3. We were in Amsterdam in 2022 – my favorite museum was the Straat Museum of Street art-and Graffiti a huge warehouse with a changing exhibit of street art/murals. You can take the ferry there too, which was a great way to see the city.
      For food, we took the Hungry Birds food tour, which was so much fun.

    4. I liked the Albert Cuyp Markt. Museums previously mentioned were also good, along with the Moco Museum. Take a boat tour.

    5. Get Rick Steve’s guide. It was helpful with walking tours.
      Get the first tickets of the day to the Anne Frank house. Slightly less crowded than if you are the first in the door.

    6. if you have a burner email account, let me know. I’m happy to send you the list of recommendations I send to my friends (I live in Amsterdam)

  8. I hate hate hate pencil skirts with a slit in the front. WHY would you make a perfectly nice skirt something I can’t wear to work?

    1. Why can’t you wear it to work? Unless you’re wearing your clothes too tight and too small your vag isn’t going to show and this is a very appropriate length

        1. Depends on the skirt. The version from 15 years ago where it was a knee-length pencil skirt but a slit to mini-height? Yeah, no-go for work. The featured skirt is so long that the slit exposes only the knee… and I say that as someone with hips.

          I’m too short to pull this one off as it hit me at a stumpy length, but hemming it would ruin the line, but it’s not NSFW!

      2. Yeah. I double checked to see if this slit was a Jessica rabbit situation. It think this is fine for work and I’d definitely wear it.

        1. I posted above, I have it and it’s a non-issue, the skirt is very long (and I’m almost 6 feet tall) so the slit just makes it walkable.

    2. I just think they look so strange. If I want to show my legs, I will wear a short skirt to show them off properly. I don’t want to cover up my quads and just display my inner thighs.

  9. TW: violence.

    A dear friend of mine has a brother who has BPD and a variety of other conditions. The brother is extremely unstable, and was previously living with friend’s mother but had to leave because he can become violent when angry. It’s not clear where the brother lives or what he does, but he has been arrested for check fraud, fights, etc. so they occasionally have to bail him out. He is sporadically in touch with them, mostly because their grandfather left each of the grandchildren some money, and the brother’s money is in a trust controlled by the mother, sister and an attorney. He doesn’t have a bank account but will occasionally appear on mom’s door demanding cash. He has become increasingly aggressive about this, saying the money is his and that the mother and sister are standing in the way of that. He has made veiled threats to both of them, and has randomly shown up at the trustee’s law firm demanding money. My friend recently found out that someone in her mother’s support group was just murdered by their child for the same reason, and is understandably very upset and really concerned for her mom. Does anyone have any good resources on how to navigate this or where to steer them? The lawyer does not seem very useful, and has basically said that he may need to not be the trustee anymore because this is too messy. The mother does not want a restraining order because the visits are the only way of knowing that her son is still alive. My friend asked me for legal advice but I am a corporate lawyer and way out of my depth here.

    1. Require him to use a bank account? The cash aspect is weird. He really receives his trust money in cash but only shows up for it sporadically and at different places demanding it from different people?

      1. I don’t think they really have the ability to require him to do anything. If they did, they would get him to take his meds and follow his treatment plan. He “doesn’t believe in banks”. I personally don’t understand how he lives his life, but it’s apparently been the case for years.

        1. I’m not sure what the variety of other conditions are or what the meds are, but the big asterisk on mentally ill people not generally being a threat to others is if there are paranoid delusions and if the others are family. I think they’re right to be afraid and to take steps to make themselves safer.

        2. There’s a whole swath of people who believe those who are mentally ill deserve rights and autonomy regardless of whether they’re actually capable of that. Sounds like he needs to be institutionalized and forced to take his meds

          1. They have tried, and he will be hospitalized for a few weeks when things get really bad, and then released and it’s all the same again. Apparently he is just lucid enough that his relatives don’t get a say on it.

          2. I agree that we who are mentally ill deserve rights!! But has anyone assessed whether he is a danger to himself or others (sounds like he is) and whether they could have him committed for medical treatment? Good question.

          3. Anon @ 10:35, it is clear this family is trying. As you know, it is incredibly hard to get someone hospitalized against their will. Many who have bipolar are also very bright and may be scary/aggressive without explicitly saying their are going to suic1de themselves or hurt other. And hospitalizations are brief. If someone doesn’t want to take medicine, there is often nothing you can do.

            I have multiple relatives with psychotic disorders. It is just brutal.

        3. Question: you say he “doesn’t believe in banks,” but he’s also had issues with check fraud.

          Many banks will refuse to let him open an account if he has that on his record. Is that the issue? Is there a way to distribute money to him that involves one of the newer financial services products out there? Maybe try Chime Second Chance banking.

      2. This. Have the trust auto paid into a bank account at a monthly rate based on the life expectancy of a male his age.

        Then you don’t have to risk visits. If your mom is wanting to know he’s still alive/okay, maybe the visits can change to a monthly phone call at a set day (eg first of the month) to confirm he’s still alive and money should continue to be paid.

        This won’t stop him from doing things like pay day loans but at least it might curb the risk of violence.

        1. This all makes a lot of sense, but won’t work here. The brother does not have a bank account, so he doesn’t have a reliable phone number, or the ability to commit to a monthly call (or to reliably know what day of the month it is). They did calculate a monthly amount for him, but since he isn’t the best at budgeting, he will randomly not come by one month, and then want a lot more the next month. He is probably either homeless or squatting somewhere and does a variety of cash pay jobs of questionable legality. He knows where the mother lives (my friend has gone to great pains to ensure that he does not know where she lives) and will just come by when he feels like it. He’s not rational and telling him that this is the plan doesn’t mean he will commit to it.

          1. It sounds like the solution is setting up a bank account and giving him the money and letting him deal with it.

      3. Find a new way to distribute the money. Send a check to a PO Box? Surely there’s a standard/legal way that doesn’t require in-person handing off of the cash. If he doesn’t accept it through a bank account, check, etc then he is declining the money. It’s not mom’s job to give him cash at random intervals. In fact, that could lead to problems as he can easily claim he never received the money. He needs a regular disbursement and there should be a formal record of what he receives & when. Remove the personal aspect from the money so he has no one to directly threaten.

        As an aside, how is he committing check fraud if he doesn’t believe in banks?

        1. Agreed that the issue is the cash.
          As far as I know the cash fraud was him trying to cash checks made out to his employer. This was back when he was a bit more stable and had an office job. The pandemic caused him to spiral downward and he never really recovered.

          1. Maybe mom would know he’s okay if the check gets cashed and she doesn’t need to see him? Maybe a counselor for mom would help her come to terms with this situation and the need to distance herself from her son?

    2. If you’re at the point where the mother fears for her life, then this is a time to recommend “the Gift of Fear” and taking steps to protect her physically. Legally, she can decide if she wants to change her will, but a piece of paper will not stop a mentally ill person from harming others.

      1. I will recommend the book, thanks. The mother has no assets to speak of, so changing her will won’t do much. The money was the grandfather’s and the trust was set up when the brother was younger and more stable. It says the trustees are Mom, Sister and Lawyer, and there is a process to replace the lawyer if necessary. Harming the mother won’t change the terms of trust, but the brother doesn’t understand or accept any of that because he is deep in delusional paranoia.

        1. Understood, I’d say that the Gift of Fear and working on personal safety is likely the only recourse then. Things like mom moving to a secure area or having a good home security system (not just an alarm system, but cameras, reinforced windows and doors, etc), a barky dog, etc would be best. She’ll have to determine if her seeing her son in person is worth the physical risk.

    3. I don’t have an answer, I’m sorry. My sister has BPD and it’s so sad, and so hard. My mom is in total denial, even though my sister is nearly 40 and has been hospitalized, jailed, and in and out of rehab more times than I care to remember within the past 15 years. BPD is a sneaky disease because people can be so lucid and also so…completely and totally out of their minds. My sister has held a white (and/or pink) collar job for 4-5 years, normal dating life, then just…gone sideways and ended up with back to back DUIs and arrested and life falls apart (no car, can’t get to job, also see: arrested and DUIs at 4pm on a Tuesday, then ends up drinking again and is picked up barefoot in the middle of a highway, tries to escape police car, etc.).

      She doesn’t do the money thing because, well, there isn’t any in trust for her. She is in a complete boatload of debt, though. I don’t know the details but it’s easily over $50k, which isn’t even that bad since when she was working her job paid >$100k. But she is currently unemployed, has lost her license, and can’t get an apartment since she was evicted from her last one (with complete compassion and tons of cause, she set fire to it at one point and at another a serviceman entered and it was filled with animal feces from the dog she was too depressed to walk).

    4. She should ask the current attorney for a recommendation for a lawyer who has experience with these issues, or you can ask around for recommendations. Maybe also find a social worker?

    5. I agree that the way money is dispensed needs to change. I like the idea of a PO Box with a cashier’s check – perhaps at more frequent intervals.

      I recommend to your friend that they get in touch with their local NAMI friends and family support group. This is what she needs.

      Does he have an assigned social worker/case worker?

      It is a really heartbreaking situation. People who haven’t lived through it have no idea. My father was bipolar, and if it wasn’t for him being wheelchair bound, I would have feared for my life.

  10. I have so, so many beefs with Elon at this point, but can any of us honestly imagine the blowback a woman would get if she took her kid into the oval office and let him climb around during a press conference?

    1. This is literally the one beef I don’t have with him.
      Also – obviously a woman couldn’t do any of what these people are doing.

    2. Is he using the kid as a prop? Yes. Could a woman get a way with it? No.

      But I agree with the post above, this might be pretty much the only thing I don’t really have a beef with him about. The more we normalize parents taking care of their children, the better, especially men, even if it’s Elon.

    3. Dude doesn’t give 1 half of one f what you or anyone else things. Which is exactly the point.

      1. Lololol, yes, he very much does. He’s probably the most insecure person on the planet.

        1. Yeah he has major daddy and mommy and everything issues (…. similar to Trump). Elon has spent considerable money making himself more attractive but doesn’t seem to have considered therapy. I really want to know how much time he actually spends with any of his children. From a distance, it seems like he’s making poor little X a golden child for now.

    4. Last I checked, the pushback that Sarah Palin got from taking her kids with her was not from the conservative side of the aisle.

    5. It’s inappropriate, children don’t belong at this press conference or in the oval office (unless they are the President’s children.) Children don’t need to go everywhere you go.

      1. Hate this way of thinking. USA treats children terribly and excluding them makes it easier to do.

        1. I have taken a 3-year-old to the symphony and the ballet and fancy restaurants. I would not take a child to a press conference, let alone one in the Oval Office.

          1. Something that’s meant to be a substantive press conference or a real working meeting, absolutely no on kids. Something that’s meant to be basically a photo op or a receiving line/ smile and say hi type of meeting (and plenty of those do happen in the Oval Office); it’s not unusual for families including kids to be there. IMO, the fact that Musk brought a kid is a good indicator he (and the president) thought of this as a photo op. They have no intention of answering substantive questions

        2. Very funny. Musk is not a middle-class parent strapped for child care on a snow day, and such a parent would not bring the kid to a press conference. Musk has all those wives and girlfriends to take care of the children plus enough money for unlimited nanny coverage.

        3. Children don’t belong in the workplace. What makes you so uncomfortable about that? There’s a very good reason to exclude them from places they don’t belong.

          1. Why? If your answer also excludes adults with disabilities, think about all that entails.

  11. Any DC area ‘rettes have a recommendation for a nutritionist they like? My A1C numbers have been climbing over the years and my doctor wants me to try addressing it before it gets into the pre-diabetic range. Bonus if they’re in network for United.

    1. I think it’s more likely that a dietitian will be covered than that a nutritionist will be. For this purpose, I’d sooner spend money on a continuous blood glucose monitor to see what’s spiking blood glucose for me personally and then see a dietitian armed with that data. I only say this because I initially got advice that actually made my blood glucose worse, but how could the dietitian have known if no one was checking?

    2. I didn’t use their nutrition services, but I received good service from the Washington Nutrition & Counseling Group when I lived in DC.

    3. Just be careful that you are working with someone with a degree and a state license. There are a lot of social media “coaches” calling themselves nutritionists.

    4. Honestly, you should see the one that works with the diabetes clinic with diabetic patients. Call the endocrinology department and see who that is.

      How odd your doctor didn’t refer you, but you will probably need them to send a referral.

  12. I started managing for the first time about 2 years ago. Last year someone from a different team (“Tom”) was moved to mine because he was very unhappy on his old team and about to leave even though he’s an excellent employee. We had an all hands and people were commenting about how Tom seemed happier and wasn’t trying to hang out with adjacent teams all the time because he likes being on my team – that felt good. So I guess I must not be an awful manager.

    1. For you and the person above, being a good manager isn’t about whether a specific person likes working for you or not. That’s not the measure of success. Be fair, be reasonable with your expectations, communicate so people can do their jobs well, give direction where it’s needed. That’s a short list of what matters. When you try to win a popularity contest you’re doing a disservice to everyone on your team.

      1. I agree that it shouldn’t be a popularity contest. And one offs always exist and you can’t please everyone. This incident and the above poster’s situation seem like one offs.

        But at some level isn’t your success dependent talented people wanting to work for you? I’ve seen people pushed out of leadership because their teams’ metrics suffered when the top performers jumped to other teams. I guess in theory the talented manager brings up everyone’s performance. But practically? It’s easier to manage a team of well respected top talent and stay out of their way than a team of middling performers you’re constantly trying to up level.

      2. Way to crap on a post and read more into it than what’s there. Where did OP say she was trying to be popular? Sounds like she’s a kind and decent manager and this guy appreciates that.

  13. I’m a Fed on the chopping block and I want to take this opportunity to potentially use my skillset in a different sector. I’ve spent about 15 years as a compliance auditor for financial services, both internal audit in banking and external audit in government (auditing the banks). I’ve been thinking about how I can be an auditor for a totally different industry. Basically, instead of auditing for banking regulations, maybe I can audit for something else, like healthcare regulations. I’m applying to my local healthcare system as an internal auditor (basically an auditor against their policies and procedures). Where else could I be an auditor? Please help me think outside of my financial services box.

    1. Can you work for a firm that does audits of various kinds? I don’t know how it would translate, but I used to own compliance for my healthcare it firm. We’d have someone come in and audit our security/compliance. They weren’t super technical but definately worked with technical people.

      You could also go to work in compliance at one of these types of firms.

    2. There is Cybersecurity, health and safety, OSHA, laboratory safety and hazardous waste, data protection. My first instinct is that a lot of those need domain knowledge, but maybe you can translate your experience either into supervisory roles, or to the human side (getting people to come into compliance requires people skills).

      1. Cybersecurity talks a big game about needing people, but are happy to whine about the need and only hire fully trained, experienced unicorns.

    3. Another idea might be to apply for Monitoring and Testing roles. It’s very similar to auditing.

    4. I work in higher ed in Texas. Here universities have internal auditors. I’m not sure if that’s the case for every state.

    5. Oh……. how I want you to stay with the Fed and keep auditing our banks.
      This is just crazy.

    6. Financial crimes / AML / sanctions compliance roles are constantly needed by all kinds of industries, especially ones reliant on ecommerce (like social media 👀, might be out of the frying pan and into the fire though). Might be a good opportunity to pivot industries without needing to also build a new knowledge base.

      +1 to a point by another commenter, who said cybersecurity talks a big game about needing people but favors the highly skilled unicorns… guilty! Slap a cert on your resume though, something relatively straightforward and not super technical like CIPP/US, and you’ll be fine in the competition for Governance, Risk, and Compliance (GRC) roles, and roles related to privacy regulation compliance (some orgs have a Head of Privacy, you’d slot right in there).

      1. Another note — Trust & Safety organizations value fed experience (historically). That’s another item generally more specific to content industries, but they typically have a policy compliance element mixed in there, so if tracking and monitoring for moderator adherence to policy and end-user adherence to site usage guidelines sounds interesting, that’s another potential direction to take.

  14. Random post about tamoxifen.

    I started tamoxifen about a month ago for breast cancer prevention. I’m 49 years old and at high risk for breast cancer (26% lifetime risk) based on family history, extremely dense tissue, and hyperplasia on a biopsy. I had a lot of dread about starting tamoxifen due to stories about horrible side effects. I’m finishing my first month of pills today, and I’ve been pleasantly surprised that the side effects have been negligible so far.

    Just wanted to share that anecdote in case anyone else is in the same position. Obviously everyone’s experience is different and YMMV.

    1. I was on it for a year, but then switched to an AI for better protection (I was also on Lupron for ovarian suppression). I just switched back to it after finishing 5 years of Lupron. It is not an easy drug, to be sure. And I will say, for me, the side effects were cumulative (not to scare you). Honestly, if a prophylactic mastectomy is an option for you, I would do that 100xs over as opposed to being on the med. My mastectomy was not that bad (major surgery for sure, but much less of an issue for life overall).

    2. I’ve been taking it for 3.5 years. It’s been mostly fine. Blogs and online searches are awful “…I felt awful 20 minutes after I took my first pill …”. Lots of people take it and don’t feel strongly about it, they just don’t blog about it.

    3. I’m in the same boat–very high risk due to family history, very dense tissue, and atypical lobular hyperplasia. They put my risk at 60%+. I am meeting with the medical oncologist next week regarding preventative medication. I am prepared to turn it down due to side effects and some other medical conditions I have. Can you provide some insight on what side effects you have experienced (even if less severe than you anticipated)?

      1. OP here. It’s honestly hard for me to say what side effects I’ve had are due to tamoxifen versus life events. I felt really worn down the first week taking it, but that coincided with the inauguration, its ongoing chaotic aftermath (which heavily impacts my field and most of my friends), family drama with an unstable sibling, and both of my school-age kids getting sick. I’m also perimenopausal, though I have a mirena IUD that seems to be taking the edge off of the usual perimenopausal stuff. My oncologist told me that most women have the worst side effects during the first 3-4 months, then after that it quiets down. Hot flashes and brain fog were the most common complaints. So far I haven’t had any hot flashes, and who’s to say if my brain is any foggier than usual? I haven’t noticed any abrupt change with tamoxifen.

        FWIW, the oncologist also offered that I could try starting at a lower dose of 5mg, rather than 20m daily. I got a second opinion that suggested starting at 20mg to see if I could tolerate it, then backing down to 5mg if the higher dose was unbearable. I chose the higher dose, and so far so good, knock on wood. But you could ask your oncologist about that option as well.

      2. Honest question – is your risk specific to breast cancer or to others? Because with 60% odds, I’d probably get a preventative mastectomy.

  15. What would you wear to a black tie gala with an emerald city theme? I assume most will be in green or light pink, always some black. I like green (and pink) but am not sure if I would rather wear something different. Event is in the spring, it will still be chilly in my area but velvet would look out of place. Any length.

    1. What a fun theme! I would wear red sequined shoes with whatever dress as a subtle nod. I just googled and found lots of options, Sam Edelman has a pair.

    4. A couple years back, J.Crew made a blue gingham dress in sequins. (Google just that – there are several on Poshmark.) I’d probably have to think hard about getting that one ha.

    5. Oh man. Would totally wear a dress with a print of poppies on it. Get it? On theme but not costume-y.

    7. I love all the ideas here! You could do silver and if anyone asks, it’s a Tin Man tribute. Or something tawny for the Cowardly Lion.

    9. I would wear a fascinator. I know they aren’t for evening wear, but they would be on theme.

      1. Thank you so much for the kind offer! Not my size (not even dreaming lol) but you are so kind.

    11. Blue and white (Dorothy) or silver (Tin Man) or lavender/light blue (Diana Ross in the the Whiz) or gray/red/military (flying monkeys!)

  16. Just wanting to vent a little bit. My husband is a pilot. Unfortunately, he isn’t an experienced pilot, he’s still grinding to get enough experience that he can get hired as anything other than a flight instructor. We were expecting it to take about 2 years before he got enough hours that he could be hired at an airline. It took 4. And now that he actually has the hours, hiring is moving at a glacial pace and he’s on a wait-list where he’s expected to finally be able to be hired in a year’s time. (With the caveat that if demand surges it’ll be faster and if demand plummets they may never hire him.) I’ve been very supportive of his career, since I have more flexible career interests, but all this waiting on his career is really starting to get old. I’m tired of my job, I’m tired of our apartment, and things were supposed to be different by now. But what’s the point of finding a new job if I’m just going to have to leave it in a year? Same with moving, or even making improvements to the place like redecorating. And I know he’s frustrated too and doing his best, but ugg this sucks.

    1. I didn’t realize it was still that bad for baby pilots – you have my sympathies! The Boeing situation backing everything up? I’m the granddaughter, daughter, and wife of pilots (and I dated aspiring pilots all through college, ha) so aviation is as much my gig as theirs by this point.

      Is he trying for the majors or the regionals right now? I know hiring slowed down in Q4, but it’s picking back up. My husband, a retiring military pilot going to the majors with 4,000 hours, has autumn offers from two majors. A friend of ours, another military pilot with a million hours, got delayed from American for 10 months because of all the Boeing/business problems there and he’s just starting to fly. (I’ll withhold my “that’s what you get with American” snark and just say that my family flew for one of the smaller lines that American swallowed up 40 years ago and it’s been downhill ever since ;) )

      Whatever the case, if you can’t make your home or job more palatable, do your best to get out and enjoy the weekends. Go to little festivals on the weekends and really plan out your months to come. Put some things down on the calendar that you’re really excited about. They don’t have to be expensive to be fun.

      1. He’s trying for the regionals. I did limit his options a bit because I refuse to live anywhere without mountains, but hey he can commute.
        Fun weekends are difficult because we’ve got a 1 year old and if the weather is nice he’s trying to fly, so my options are limited. Our town has a very nice library at least, and once winter is over we can spend time outside and the nice weather will improve my mood.

    2. Hold on. I thought we were in a big pilot shortage? And that it will worsen over the next few years? My high schooler wants to be a pilot and is doing civilian air patrol+ looking at aviation programs for college. We know very little about entering this industry, and have been encouraging based on what little we know. I get the impression that a private pilot’s license isn’t too difficult, the commercial pilots licensure is pricey and can be drawn out, but then there are definitely jobs on the other side? Do I have it all wrong?

      1. It’s an extremely volatile industry that will always have jobs, it’s just about the quantity of jobs and the types of jobs that are available when you meet your minimums.

      2. I should have started by saying that your situation sounds rough and stuck, and I’m sorry that is the current state of things. That is an awful feeling. Two thoughts: 1. What about creating a smaller portable world and exercising complete dominion over it? A terrarium with every plant and stone exactly as you want it, or an art project in which you create detailed parts exactly as you want them to be? Distracting, creating transferable skills, focusing g on what you want, escaping your current rut for a little bit at least. 2. Volunteer. It feels good and creates connections in your community, even if it isn’t your home forever.

        But clearly these are just little day-to-day uplifts, not going to the actual issue. Do you have a sense that your partner misrepresented the length of time it would take to launch his career? Is he causing the delays or hiding behind them? Does he recognize your frustration?

        1. He’s just as frustrated as I am about it. Maybe less about the apartment, since that man could live in a cardboard box happily, but he definitely is ready to move on to the next things. As the above Anon said, volatile industry. COVID, the overall economy, and the weather are the primary drivers behind the delays, with a hint of “he’s just really good at teaching theory, so he doesn’t get to be in the air as much.”

      3. I’m the granddaughter, et al, above. The anon above me is correct. It’s a very volatile industry.

        Boeing’s board is taken over by moneygrubbers who don’t care about quality and planes start falling out of the sky? And all your planes are 30 years old and you signed an exclusive contract to replace with Boeing? Well, now you’re flying older, less fuel efficient aircraft, that possibly need more crew, for years longer than your account books forecast. (This is American’s problem right now.)

        Most commercial airlines are unionized. I believe Delta’s flight attendants might be the last major workforce that’s not unionized. Well, those contracts have to be renewed every few years. And when employees see fatcat executives and shareholders making bank while they’re being paid $40k to deal with the horrid public, you can bet strikes are about their only way of getting through. My dad was a pilot and my mom was a flight attendant for the same airline, and one of them being on a picket line at one time or another was just commonplace throughout my childhood. (“Watch for mom on the news!”)

        The IATA – the international airline lobby – will tell you that U.S. airlines profit only about $6 per passenger per flight. Historically, it’s really tough for airlines to make money – you’ve got disasters like covid or 9 / 11, weather, fuel prices, labor prices, computer outages… We’ve reached close to max consolidation in the US right now, and the business is relatively stable as far as number of airlines and routes, but in the 60s, 70s, 80s airlines were popping up and going bust and being bought out every year. It was hard to make a go of things in the days before computers packed us all in on $6 pp….and it still doesn’t leave too much room depending on how you run your business. I’m not saying to have pity on them – many airline execs are snakes – but it’s not the shock-proof industry many people think it is.

    3. The internet and social media has really done a number on expectations vs reality when it comes to job searching. Either that or I just suck. Expect the job search to take twice as long and pay a lot less than the internet would lead you to believe.

    5. It sounds like you’ve been in the same job for awhile. I’d still look for jobs locally and stay networked with your current and previous jobs. It’s ok to leave a job too soon for personal reasons if you don’t do it often. Also, a job you already have might be willing to let you go remote. If his timeline is uncertain, just make a change for yourself. Plenty of people make it work or stay on good terms with their previous job.

  17. Something funny is happening to me – I guess it’s anxiety. I’ve been desperately wanting a new job and applying to places, but when I actually have the possibility of an interview, that’s when I start doubting myself and my reasons to leave, thinking it’s easier if I just stay even though my boss is toxic, etc. I guess it’s the possibility of the unknown that’s hard.

    1. sounds like imposter syndrome — if your boss is toxic there may be a lot of gaslighting and other things also that make you doubt yourself. fwiw i’ve always felt like an imposter and have just had to push past that, every single time.

      1. I hadn’t even put it together until you said it, but you’re right – my boss makes me doubt myself every day (despite all I’ve accomplished, which I’ve been commended by others for).

    2. That’s happened to me with every job, and be prepared that people have generally been nice after I announce my exit so I doubt myself even more after giving notice!
      You started looking for a reason, so be aware of your bottom lines (in comp, office setup, etc.) and as long as new job meets those and seems better, go for it!

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