Coffee Break: Pompom Cashmere Scarf

96 Comments

1. I got some done about a year ago and they only exist on my computer. I am trying to think of something to do with them, but since I live in an apt. with one bath and everything I’m finding online suggests framing a pic for the master bath, I’m clueless. Is there something cool that can be done with these or is it more that the point is the experience and no one really does anything with these pics except gives them to dudes who blackmail them with them after a breakup?

   1. If you have some cool shots that aren’t obviously you/a body part you could print out a black and white version for basically any room in the house.
      Maybe print them into a book for you to keep and be proud of your body/courage etc whenever you’re feeling low?

   2. If it were me, I’d go with the inside of a closet door so that you can remind yourself how good looking you are WHILE choosing your clothes for the day. Because that’s the kind of positive affirmation I would appreciate on some days when everything is making me look like a whale.

      1. Love this!

2. What would you put on this list?

   1. Pack for a week-long business trip in a carryon.

      Print your own UPS/Fedex labels so you don’t have to ask your assistant to stay late just for that.

      Own your successes.

      Own your mistakes.

      Hold your own in a crowd of 2 or 2,000.

      1. Oh, and sing the praises of those on your team. Build people up and mentor well.

   2. How to format a document, cite cases, or manipulate a spreadsheet.
      How to look good and feel comfortable in a suit.
      When to ask for help.
      When to ask for permission and when to ask for forgiveness.
      How to build and maintain professional relationships.

   3. Strike up a conversation with a stranger at a professional event

      Mentor people entering your profession and provide good advice to colleagues facing tricky situations (sexual harassment, etc.)

      Dress for an important meeting

      Advocate for a raise/higher starting salary/better benefits/etc.

      Put others at ease

   4. A 35 year old woman should know not to ever ask someone if they are pregnant or if they want to become pregnant.

      A shocking number do NOT know this.

   5. If you make a mistake, own it at the first opportunity and correct it, asking for help if necessary. Trying to cover it up is a sure route to disaster.

   6. How to take a seat at the table and not in one of the chairs against the wall.

      How to speak up in a meeting and not let people (men) speak over you.

      Have a perfected death glare that would stop a charging rhinoceros in its tracks. (See above)

      1. Oh god really already by 35 I’m supposed to have that glare? *scurries to mirror to practice before I turn 36!*

   7. How to carry yourself with confidence, i.e., make eye contact, shoulders back, head up.

      Have a good handshake.

      Good posture.

      Remember people’s first names and use them.

      Never “walk by” anyone. Not walking down the street obvi, but, i.e., when you come to the office in the morning, make eye contact and say hello to everyone you see. Don’t assume that you’re too unimportant to bother someone who looks busy when they’re just walking down the hall.

      Do not volunteer for time consuming administrative tasks or jobs no one else wants because you think it makes you a good team player. Value your time enough to devote it to substantive matters.

      This is hard to explain… but don’t look “up” at people even when they’re physically much taller than you. Learn how to look at them levelly, if that makes sense. Step back so you can keep your head more level, not crane your neck up.

      Keep your voice level when you feel emotional – i.e., angry, sad, fueled with the fire of feminist rage.

      Don’t be afraid to hang up on jerks. Give them one warning – if you continue to speak to me that way I will hang up on you and we will have to resume this conversation when you’ve collected yourself – and follow through.

3. Feel free to make your reply anonymous, to add support to other posts, etc.!

   1. I had my hoo-hah lasered today on my lunch hour. Supposedly it will counteract that post-menopausal dryness…

   2. I kinda prefer it when DH is away on business vs. being home. When it’s just DS and I, things are just chill. It’s kind of nice.

   3. I have zero interest in 3ex with my DH but he is the most caring helpful partner and co-parent I could have. I have very little interest in it in general though I find pictures of women attractive (I am a woman and straight) and most pictures of men and junk quite unattractive. Only romance novels (and the pictures on them) reminded me that I was hetero.

      1. Are you *sure* you’re hetero?

4. Longtime follower, but not a lawyer looking for some legal advice-hopefully some of your have experience in this area of the law.
   We are under contract on a house (and have been for 4 months) and the closing date keeps getting pushed back by the sellers. This is an estate sale handled by a judge. There is a law suit on the house because the ex-wife is suing the estate for money. As far as we know we can’t purchase the house before this is resolved because we won’t have a clear title. We have been able to find out that nobody has heard from the ex-wife or her attorney in months. Is there anything we can do other than wait it out? We don’t have a timeline on when we may be able to close which is driving me crazy.
   Thank you!

   1. Not a lawyer but work in title/settlements and there isn’t really anything you can do other than walk away. You should be able to get out of your contract with your deposit

      1. Thank you! We had an amendment signed that lets us walk away at anytime for any reason and we’ll get our earnest money back. We have been looking at other houses but haven’t found anything-its an area with very limited inventory and we really like this house-so hoping to speed this up/not wait for months (years) to come…

         1. If you don’t want to walk away, it may be worth it to talk to a real estate attorney. There isn’t really anything you can do to speed up the suit against the estate, but an attorney can tell you whether it really is a cloud on title. Your title company may not be very knowledgeable about more complex situations and be taking a stance that you can’t close until this is completed. If you’re in the DC/MD/VA area I can recommend someone.

   2. Real estate attorney, working for a title company. Yes this is absolutely a cloud on title, no sane title insurance company would ever give you a policy with this issue, no would they give you affirmative coverage/any endorsements over it. Lawsuits against estates can drag on for ages, even when all parties are communicating and not AWOL as in the case here. In your shoes, I would walk away in a heartbeat.

5. Not a fan of aqua/turquoise (or any light blue) and red, myself.

   1. I am, but only with generous doses of white and only in the heat of summer.

   2. Same–I don’t think it’s very flattering for my complexion–but the darker blue version is absolutely gorgeous.

   3. I love this Scarf, Kat, and the color looks good on my blond hair! It is a bit large and pricey, tho. I will have to clear it with the manageing partner!

      I posted late today, so want to know if anyone in the HIVE uses the WAG! app to track their dogwalker’s activity to make sure he is really walking your dog rather then eating your kitchen dry or haveing s-x with his girlfreind on your couch? FOOEY! I have to get this app and the product so my dad can track me and where I am at all times. DOUBEL FOOEY!

   4. It’s one of the only bright colors I like/wear but this seems insanely expensive for a scarf, there’s gotta be similar options for under $15 or $20 somewhere!

6. I NEED a pampering night. What’s your favourite face mask that I can easily pick up at a mall on the way home?

   1. If you can get to a Sephora, I love the Boscia sheet masks!

      1. I also really like the Sephora Pearl mask.

   2. If there’s an Ulta, I like TONYMOLY I’m Real masks!

      1. Yes, another vote for these! I love the avocado.

   3. I like the Leaders masks and the Egg Cream masks. Both available at Ulta, I think. Enjoy!

7. In need of advice of the legal and the emotional types (and maybe more, I dunno)

   40ish/single/no kids/income approx. 40k which is unlikely to change much in the future, have a cousin who is has ASD though he is approx. 25 yrs old. He has lived his entire life with his parents (aged approx. 65) and may not be employable but SSDI doesn’t cover costs of his necessary meds and living expenses. He has almost no family other than his parents, 1 aunt on both sides, and me. He has said that, when his parents pass, he will be coming to live with me. I have discussed this with his parents, asking them to put some things in writing, but they keep saying they’ll get to it, which they likely never will.

   I live in a bit of fear now that they’re going to pass, he’s going to call or show up on my doorstep, and I’ll have to stop my life to deal with the house/possessions which I guess would fall to cousin as the sole heir, and that I’d have to max out my credit cards to avoid being away from work enough to do all of this and then I’d have to figure out whether there was enough money to afford to care for him forever.

   I love my cousin and I know he wouldn’t be safe in large group homes (the ASD makes him annoying to be around for some and he misses social cues that makes some struggle with him). Am I basically just stuck? I can’t imagine just saying no and leaving him out in the world alone, but is there anything I can do to not feel like I have this impending huge stressor coming down the line for me?

   1. Yes. You can say no. And you should continue to make it clear to your aunt and uncle that you will not and cannot be responsible for him, and that they are failing him if they don’t have a plan.

      1. This. Wow. You have no idea what you’re in for if he comes to live with you.

         Say no.

      2. 100% agree. You can still love your cousin and draw a boundary that he cannot live with you.

   2. Just. Say. No. A relative, cannot declare that you have to take care of them now, no matter their mental state or ability status. You are completely justified in putting your needs and financial stability first. All you can do is discuss with his parents what their plans are for him after they are gone and help them figure it out. If they understand that you will not care for him, that might kick them in gear, but you must be clear about that.

   3. Even if they did complete paperwork making you his guardian, you have no legal obligation to do so and can always turn it down. It is better to be up front about this so alternate plans can be made but if one finds themselves a sudden guardian, you can say no.

   4. I’m the parent of a child with ASD and have some thoughts on this. Unfortunately, I need to finish something for work before I can give you the lengthy reply I would like to give and that your question deserves. I will try to respond later tonight so please be on the lookout. It’s more complicated than “just say no.”

   5. His parents need to set up a special needs trust for him. If he inherits from them directly, he will be disqualified from receiving certain government benefits to which he’d be entitled (SSI, the ability to live in certain group homes). You could be the trustee and help him without having to assume full responsibility over every aspect of his life. Find a middle ground: don’t just say no and you don’t have to have him live with you if that’s not the future you envision for yourself. Try to work with parents some more on his future planning.

      1. +1

         This.

         There are group homes appropriate for him, and ideally his parents should be looking into this sooner rather than later. I promise you that there are people much, much more disabled than your cousin that can live in some group settings. Gently, I would make sure you clearly tell his parents – while they are both healthy – that you love him and will always be in his life, but will be unable to support him or live with him.

         1. Not to mention that he is likely to outlive you – and transitioning when he is 70 is going to be even harder. Perhaps you could help them find an organization that can help them set all of this up?

            I have a friend whose son will never live independently (although he can work) and the advice she received was to transition him during early adulthood – around the same age as his older sibling left home – so that they would still be alive and healthy to guide the process.

      2. +1

8. Recently lost approx. 30 lbs which is a lot on my 5′ frame. So far, no one in my personal life seems to have noticed anything. Does that mean it’s not noticeable? And, as a follow up, does that mean it wasn’t noticeable when I was 30 lbs heavier?

   1. They noticed. They’re trying to be polite. Congrats!

      1. Cosign. Every time I think about congratulating someone for obvious weight loss that they haven’t directly mentioned to me, I end up not saying anything because maybe they lost the weight because of illness and also I worry they’ll take it as me saying they looked bad before.

         1. Thank you Anon. As someone who frequently DOES lose a lot of weight because of illness, it drives me crazy when people congratulate me on how good I’m looking when I feel like I look like a gaunt, clammy mess basically.

            Honestly, weight and body shape is one of those areas where, unless you know the person well, you shouldn’t go there, even if you DO have something nice to say. (Whereas things like new clothes and new haircuts are free game in my world bc those are affirmative choices that the person made. Weight may be a choice or it may not be and it can be really hard to know by just looking at someone. So high five anon.

      2. Yeah, I have a co-worker who has lost about the same amount of weight, and looks great, but I’m in the “your body is not an appropriate matter for me to comment on because we don’t have that kind of relationship” camp. It could be illness, it could be stress, it could be intentional hard work but I’m unwilling to assume.

   2. I recently lost 30lb and I’m 5’5″ so it should be less noticeable on me than it is on you. I agree, people are probably trying to be sensitive in case there is an unhappy reason for the weight loss. I actually had two or three people tentatively ask me if I was losing weight on purpose. Super awkward.

   3. I have lost and gained back 30 lbs more than once. I actually hate getting compliments when I lose it because I feel like the opposite must have been true when I was heavier – “wow you look so great” means I didn’t look great before.

      So now I personally don’t comment unless a person brings up their weight loss, and then I say something like congratulations on achieving your goals!

      1. Boom. I have lost and gained 30 pounds more times than I can remember and I hate it when people comment. It just makes me feel terrible when I gain the weight back (which is basically inevitable).

9. I am currently a senior associate at Big Firm, have an interview coming up with Small Firm (<10 attorneys). I do IP lit, and Small Firm does only that. Has anyone else made a similar transition and how was it (not necessarily in the same practice area, but same move from big to small in same field)? What kind of interview questions can I expect? What questions should I ask? If it matters, my big motivation for considering moving is to get more hands on experience/responsibility. I actually like my job, so the firm would have to be great for me to accept even if I get an offer.

   1. Small firm litigator here. When we hire, it is all about fit. Everyone here left bigger law to get away from jerks. We don’t want to invite any in. The reason you are looking is great. That’s the answer I gave when I started here. I was stuck doing doc review at a bigger firm and I wanted to be arguing motions and handling my own cases. Small firms are where it’s at for that.

      On the fit piece, we wanted someone who was excited about our work, who was easy to talk to, had a good sense of humor, will work well with the staff (no yelling) etc. We interviewed someone who seemed like April in Parks and Recs. While I love her in the show, we didn’t want to hire someone who would be miserable all day.

   2. Different field, but I did the biglaw to small (~24 lawyers) a few years ago. Small firm was VERY keen on finding not just a skilled lawyer but also someone who wanted to be specifically at that small firm. They wanted to bring someone on who was going to feel proud of and invested in that specific firm, not just looking for a small law job in general. Interview questions to me consisted of the requisite substantive questions and then a lot of discussion about practice goals. Sounds like you’re coming from a great position – I’d convey your excitement about the opportunity, and that you are looking for good fit/better platform/etc.

      As for questions, I have many thoughts on that:
      -Where do they (when talking with firm management) see the firm in 5-10 years…do they want to stay smaller, grow to a certain target size, expand into other practice areas, stay small but grow if it makes strategic sense, etc.
      -For the non-partners, honest assessment of type of work, partner personalities, and, if they came from biglaw, things that surprised them in a good or bad way.
      -I’d also look closely at whether the firm has gone through a founding partner turnover yet, as that can be a defining culture shift moment, and potentially a profitability question, for a small firm; that’s probably a post-offer topic for discussion.
      -Since you’re senior, partnership questions: track length, compensation (probably a post-offer question), is there a minimum book size, how do they support business development activities for the associates/counsel working toward partner.
      -If you’re considering children, leave policies (again, a post-offer question), which can vary a lot or be nonexistent at that size firm.

      Good luck! Small law can be great.

10. The pom poms make it look dated for me.

    1. Yup, same here.

    2. This has got to be one of the silliest “trends” I’ve ever seen.

       Grown women with a pom-pom hanging from their Fendi? Just…. ugh.

11. Hi, I’m looking for some advice but, TBH, I’m not sure if my situation is too me-specific to be advisable. But I’ll try!

    Background: I’m a former litigator, in-house in a tiny (two person) legal department for two years. I didn’t know anything about the industry when I started here. Now we’re in the midst of litigation, which has meant a lot of travel for depositions and the like. My normal travel schedule is about 4 days/month, but now I’m out for about 1/2 of March, for example.

    There’s one time a deposition is one day before an Industry Meeting type thing, both in City. I would not normally fly to City just for Industry Meeting. BUT I feel like I really ought to get my face out there more at Industry Meetings. BUT I really don’t want to add two days to my trip, when I will be out of town the entire week before and most of the week after. Boss is a doll and wouldn’t begrudge me either way, but is also unlikely to advise me strongly either way.

    I should go to the meeting, eh? S*ck it up?

    1. Yup. Do it.

    2. Yes you should go.

    3. BLAH writing it out made it pretty clear that I had to go… grumblegrumble.

       1. Is the Industry Meeting at a nice hotel? Can you plan some downtime for spa/shopping/nice meal, etc. so you have some downtime to make up for being away from home?

          1. Oh those are good questions. Maybe, at least, I could get a manicure.

             1. Sparkly car color, hopefully.

             2. Is there any other kind?!

12. Going to Key West for a few days with husband and without kids, which is a Big Deal. I’m trying to plan our time wisely. Has anyone done a dolphin watch/snorkel trip? Is it worth 3 hours of our vacation? Thanks!

    1. Snorkel trips there are definitely worth it! If you have time, also take the ferry to the Dry Tortugas (it’s a full day, but really a cool site and so unique). My other favorites (you didn’t ask, but I love KW!): Santiago’s Bodega, Cuban Coffee Queen, Banana Cafe, and Mangia Mangia for handmade pasta.

       1. Thanks!

       2. Just went to Cuban Coffee Queen and Banana Café last week and loved them both! Also, highly recommend Blue Heaven. My snorkeling trip got cancelled because it was too windy (and I’m glad because the water was freezing), but I really would have liked to do it!

    2. Where else have you snorkeled? If you have very limited snorkeling experience and are going to be thrilled to see a few fish, it might be worth it. But the snorkeling in Key West does not compare to Hawaii or the Caribbean (to say nothing of the Great Barrier Reef or more exotic places like that) and I wouldn’t recommend such a trip to an experienced snorkeler.
       The trip I did didn’t include dolphins so if that’s a big draw for you (and if the company assures you you’re likely to see them) that might make it worth it.

       1. Minimal snorkeling experience so it would probably be fine for us. I want to do at least one outdoor/natury activity in our very short time away and I thought this might be the ticket.

          1. We did a snorkeling excursion in Key West and it was fine. What was less fun was the paddle through the mangroves in a tandem kayak. Do not go out with your husband in a tandem kayak. It’s a recipe for divorce, maybe murder. Had we done it in single kayaks or on paddleboards, it would have been a lot more fun.

13. My sister just caught her long-term boyfriend cheating on her. They’ve been together for over a decade. She told me that this is not the first time. She left him right after this last episode, but is considering taking him back because she’s in love with him. Although I think it’s a terrible idea for her to go back, I’m trying to be supportive – I let her vent, told her I’m on her side no matter what she decides to do, invited her to come stay with me, encouraged therapy, etc. What else can I do? I don’t want her to get hurt again. She deserves so much better.

    1. Sounds like you’re saying and doing all the right things. If she wants to take him back, she will, and trying to talk her out of it is only going to damage your relationship with her.

    2. Maybe encourage her to take some time to think about it after the initial shock wears off?

    3. Tell your sister how awesome she is, over and over.

       Because she is not considering going back to a serial cheater solely because she loves him. She’s at least partly worried that she is incapable of attracting another.

       1. +1 Maybe talk about all the cool things she could do if she were single. If she’s been coupled for over a decade it must feel daunting to contemplate striking out on her own.

14. I’m coordinating the implementation of a paid parental leave policy at my 20+ person firm and am curious to see what benefits are available to others at their firms. Would appreciate your thoughts on who the policy applies to (birthing parent/primary caregiver v. both parents), the length of the paid leave, and any distinction in the benefit between staff and attorneys and birthing parent/primary caregiver v. non-birthing parent/non-primary caregiver, if any. Thanks!

    1. I’m at a firm about your size. We get six weeks of maternal disability and 3 weeks of parental leave – the 3 weeks of parental leave can be taken by anyone; the maternal disability has to be taken by the birthing parent. Accrued sick and vacation time can also be taken.

    2. State gov’t (Minnesota.)

       6 weeks paid to all employees becoming parents (biological moms and dads, those adopting, those becoming parents through surrogacy.) No distinction by type of employee. Do not need to be married. Birth parent can first take any accrued sick leave for birth recovery; all other types of parents are limited to 5 days of paid sick leave to act as ‘caregiver’ to a biological parent, but are eligible for 6 weeks paid parenting leave thereafter.

       We do not (at this time) offer it to those becoming foster parents or those who are taking custody on a temporary basis (e.g., caring for a child while parent is deployed or jailed.)

       Limited to 1 instance per 12-months.

       1. Good for Minnesota. I work in state government (Pennsylvania) and mothers can use 6 weeks of accrued sick leave and that’s it (and that includes doctor’s appointments while pregnant). Every woman I know that has gone on maternity leave has had several weeks unpaid. Fathers can take 1 sick day on the day of birth. So pathetic.

          1. This mentality perfectly sums up why I hated the 3 years I lived in Pennsylvania. So mean spirited. I have so many stories.

    3. Large corp. 6 weeks parental leave for bonding regardless of gender or circumstances of the child joining the family. A woman giving birth gets and additional 6 weeks for recovery, and can also take other leave they’ve accrued in addition.

    4. 65 employees, about 45 attorneys. Moms can take 12 weeks – 8 weeks disability plus our 4 full weeks of vacation. I don’t think there is a paternity leave policy or an adoption policy. The guys whose wives have had kids have only taken vacation. No staff have had kids since I’ve been there (10 years) so no idea on the policy for them.

    5. 6 weeks of fully paid parental leave for any new parent. In addition, birth mothers can take up to 6 weeks (or 8 weeks for C-section) of accrued sick leave (we accrue a lot although it’s mostly at 75% pay) and all parents can extend their leave using accrued vacation and personal days. Most birth mothers take at least 12 weeks through some combo of parental, sick and vacation leave (I hoarded my PTO and was able to take 16 weeks), but most new dads don’t take more than a week or two, which is disappointing to me.
       Not at a law firm, but this policy applies to everyone from secretaries to upper management. Admin staff accrue vacation (and possibly sick leave too) at a slower rate than professional staff though.

    6. ~24 lawyer firm, 16 weeks paid leave for mom, 4 weeks for dad. Benefits are coordinated with the state so firm grosses up the shortfall from state paid disability for mom. There’s also a provision for the primary parent in the event of adoption, which I think may be the full 16 weeks. This is for employees only, so associates and staff.

    7. At a boutique law firm in PDX. Men and women get 3 months paid leave.

    8. For PDX attorney:
       I am currently in PDX, but not at a firm. My previous 17 person firm in the mid Atlantic offered 6 weeks paid, total of 5 months off, to every parent regardless of sex/birthing status. If you received STD, they made up the difference and it counted toward the six weeks paid.

       1. Current employer in PDX offers just what OFLA requires, which is up to 12 weeks unpaid leave relating to pregnancy disability (six to eight weeks after a v/c section birth and any time you were medically unable to work while pregnant) plus 12 unpaid weeks baby bonding. Either parent can take the baby bonding leave but only the birthing parent would take the disability part.

    9. Consultant at a large firm.

       We get 4 months leave for both parents, both for births and adoptions. Also benefits including some number of emergency childcare sessions for free, pump/bottles for free. Generally flexible with assignments once parents come back.

15. Obviously, I like this.

    Signed, Pompom*

    (*username conceived of while looking at a pillow with pompom trim…)

    1. Hahaha

       It reminds me of that My Tattoo song by The Who where mom likes the tattoo that says mother, but doesn’t like the one of the lady in the nude. (She thinks it’s extremely rude)

    2. I am a fool for pompoms. And tassels. Never met one I didn’t like.

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