Loungewear Hall of Fame: Pranayama Wrap

286 Comments

1. Please complete the census if you live in the US! Citizenship is NOT a requirement, only residency! Help your community get access to the funds and representation it deserves. https://2020census.gov/ It took me 5 minutes.

   This year they’re using differential privacy to help protect the information and privacy of respondents, here’s an intro to Differential Privacy https://towardsdatascience.com/understanding-differential-privacy-85ce191e198a

   From the discussion yesterday, the Berlin Philharmonic is streaming for free if you sign up by March 31 https://www.digitalconcerthall.com/en/home

   Benny Hill theme song (Yakety Sax) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bl0WIw8KOVc

   Alaska Sea Life Center YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkQMHYy8pDY37sKALG9kQYg

   Culture Hustle has a free coloring book for download https://www.culturehustleusa.com/pages/coronavirus

   Yale is offering its “most popular” class, the Science of Well-Being, for free https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being It starts today!

   I have a (scheduled long ago) vacation day tomorrow and won’t be at my desk this weekend so I will holler at y’all on Monday! Have a good weekend, take a nap if you can. You are doing a good job, keep going!

   1. Thank you, cheerful one! You’ve helped a lot of us! Enjoy your time away!

   2. Good morning! Enjoy your long weekend!

   3. Good morning and thank you! That Yale class looks interesting.

   4. You are awesome for compiling these links every day and managing to always be the first commenter. See you next week!

      1. My schedule is wake up in a panic at 5 am & go straight to my desk and check work emails (i have coworkers on UK time so they’re there to be a friendly hello), news, etc, and write up the “good morning” post. I am more productive in the morning before everyone else wakes up and then I just naturally deteriorate over the course of the day. LOL. My job is secure but work has not slowed down (pharma). So it’s fending off kids while writing up timelines etc between bouts of anxiety (some days are ok some not).

         Anyway, glad you all enjoy the posts, it makes me feel really good to do them and I’m learning a lot of cool stuff (PANDA CAM).

   5. Thank you again. I signed up for the Berlin concerts, what a nice treat!
      Enjoy your time off!

      1. Good Morning! I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

   6. Thank you for the links! I need to find my colored pencils and download the coloring book. Have a great weekend!

2. That looks so cosy – and it’s made from Tencel, so it will be gorgeously soft and drapey (and green!). Wishing Athleta shipped to the UK.
   I have just bought a pair of Lucy & Yak dungarees. I’ve wanted a pair for ages but was always reluctant to spend the money on something I might not wear out of the house. No longer a problem….

   1. OMG I want a pair of L&Y dungarees so bad! I hope you love them!

3. Hi all. I need help thinking through this because my mind is scrambled.

   I’m a lawyer for a big insurance company. My job essentially consists of going to court, which I can’t do, obviously. My “wfh” assignments are now case reviews which must be completed and accounted for as if we were billing on a detailed timesheet. We’re supposed to be available the entirety of our workday, via Skype. This is all very new, and near impossible even if I were not doing child care at the same time. I can’t call my mom because we’ve all been quarantined from someone at my work. My husband is working on actual work, deals that need to be done, not file review busy work and his work is more understanding, but still he can’t do 100% of childcare.

   I expressed some trepidation to my boss about my ability to fulfill these requirements and she made it clear that leave time exists for employees with child care issues, if I can’t accomplish what they have assigned. I’m on “vacation” right now but I’ll run out of that this week.

   My lawyer brain says this is all legal, even though it feels discriminatory. I’m a little frustrated that my good standing (seriously I used to be an A+ employee two weeks ago) is now jeopardized for circumstances beyond my control. Do I just take unpaid leave? Do I try my best but probably fail and look like I’m trying to cheat the company? I’m scared I’m going to lose my job here either way.

   1. Can you and your husband flex your schedule a bit? Maybe one of you gets up early and works for a couple hours, then you switch off, and then again, and maybe you work for a couple hours after the baby is asleep. If you can’t get a full day in maybe you can do intermittent leave and take a couple hours off per day instead of the full day.

   2. while this doesn’t help your situation – i kind of want to strangle your boss and every other boss/company who is being so rigid and inflexible. what is wrong with people?!? you say you are on quarantine because of someone from work. could you ask your mom to also quarantine and then have her move in with you temporarily after you’ve all self quarantined to help with childcare?

      1. I can ask, she definitely won’t move in but will maybe come over, but we have at least a week to go.

         It just feels like they created a situation where I can’t get childcare and also can’t do what they’re asking. Which is a completely made up set of tasks and requirements!

         Rant over. I guess who survives better? The employees who does half of what they’re asking or the one who acknowledges they are being asked to take leave because they have a child?

         1. remember the mantra: what would a mediocre white dude do? They would just do half, I think.

            1. This. I have a more understaning boss (thank god) and a workload that lets me flex, but there’s no way to do a full 8 hour day with two kids at home and a spouse working his full midlaw day with associated client demands. Can you half-a$$ it? Do what you need to do while keeping computer/skype/whatever nearby so it looks like you’re working a normal day, and just be 60% or less productive? or can you work 7-10 am and evenings so you’re getting in more productive time?
               I’m sorry, what a crummy situation

            2. This, x100. I am married to a mediocre white dude. He is a VP at a midsize tech company. He told me of his team, only women have approached him asking to take unpaid leave. Obviously home dynamics can vary here, but from what he was telling me, his team is all just half-assing it. But the women are the ones asking for permission to do so. Luckily he has me to help guide him to be a better person and he has just been telling everyone to do the best they can and if it feels truly unsustainable and like they need to take time fully off, to let him know and they can take time off. (FWIW it won’t be unpaid).

   3. I would:
      – have my laptop near with Skype on, but without video activated and with my mic muted. Basically show that you’re logged in
      – do case reviews when kids are asleep or distracted
      – accept that I would not be working as much as if I were child free
      -feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever

      Also, look into the new paid sick leave law if it becomes overwhelming. I would not take unpaid leave.

      1. Hey, I can actually help you here.
         It depends on your company’s laptop security settings but even with strict ones Skype allows you to leave the green light on for an hour (which is usually when the computer goes to sleep). Click on your picture which opens settings, go to Status and adjust the time to idle to the highest number. Again, when your computer goes to sleep, the status will change. If you have permissions, you can change that, too, in power management, and set your laptop to never go to sleep.
         If your security settings don’t allow you to do the first two things above, there is one more cheat. Join a Skype call that happens tomorrow and have Skype call you on your phone. As long as the phone call is going on, Skype will keep you red.
         Definitely install Skype Business on your phone. You will get a notification any time you get an IM.
         I had to come up with the above to keep my sanity when I had 3 bosses in different (including international) time zones and each wanted me to be available while they’re online.

   4. Can you log-in to Skype on your cell phone and keep it with you while you are taking care of the kids so you are “available?” When I need to be away from the computer, I log into Skype on my cell and take it with me so I am still technically available even though I am not in front of my computer.

      I’m sorry your employer is not being understanding. This is really hard.

      1. Thanks. No it has to be my laptop.

         1. My laptop lives in the kitchen from 4-7 each day during the dinner / homework rush. How I haven’t ruined it over the years I’ve had kids is beyond me, but often it’s just triaging my inbox for what I really need to get done after 7. Maybe try that?

         2. Get a wireless mouse for your laptop and take it with you around the house. It will show you’re green on skype. Add a speaker on so any skype pings will alert you.

         3. So, I know everyone will probably scream about confidentiality but desperate times call for desperate measures. Here is what me and my husband do. While I work, I keep his laptop on Skype next to me. When he gets an IM I let him know. If he is outside with the kids, I call and read it to him and then he dictates a response back that I type. It is usually something dumb like his boss asking if he is free for a 8 am call tomorrow. If it is something substantive, he comes in and addresses it while I watch the kid. When it is my turn with the kids, he does the exact same thing with my laptop. He keeps moving the mouse periodically to keep me active and hollars if something comes in. Luckily neither of us get random video calls it is more like lots of IMs to keep up on that we tag team.

            1. This is genius. I hope Kat starts a weekly WFH survival guide post where we can all contribute our hacks.

            2. This is so smart. Love the teamwork. Love the creativity. One million quarantine points to you.

            3. Omg this is brilliant! I just tote my laptop and wireless mouse around the house with me. It live on my island during the dinner rush so I can hear the pings coming in.

         4. I’m walking around the house with my work laptop. We also have to be logged in with our timekeeping system. But I also have to keep a 10 year old and a dog occupied and fed. +1000 to the half @ss it comments. No one is working at that A+ level right now. I feel anxious about it, but it is what I have to do to stay sane without childcare or doggy day care.

   5. Your husband needs to not leave 100% of the childcare to you. I don’t care if he’s doing “actual work” – so are you. As in earning a paycheck and supporting your family. Don’t fall into that trap!

      1. +1

   6. I’m not an HR expert (though I have worked in HR and as a manager) nor a lawyer but I’ve been a salaried employee for 44 years now. My understanding is that when one is salaried, if you work even one hour a day, you don’t legally have to take sick pay for the remainder of the day. The feeling is, that when one is salaried, one day they may work 14 hours (I know a lot of us have done that) and some days we only work 4 to go to a doctor’s appointment, or attend a sick kid or visit an attorney or someone who only works during 8-5 M-F. So, OP, normally if you work at all in a day you get paid for it, end of story. This plays out when someone who is on maternity leave is told not to answer emails or work because it complicates leave for a salaried employee. Salaried employees are exempt, versus a non-exempt employee who is only paid when at work, can’t be doing unpaid work “off the clock” and gets overtime which salaried employees don’t normally get. Thus, OP, your employer should not be penalizing you for this. How that plays out in your org is hard to predict but depends on how hard you can make it for them to mistreat you. What are their normal HR policies? A big insurance company should have them online. There might also be an HR hotline that could be anonymous. Can they fire you in the short term for not being 100% available during 8-5 during a worldwide pandemic? Maybe but maybe not without consequences.

      I’d suggest looking into your state law, perhaps posting on Ask a Manager, and then either write an email or a memo to your boss(es) and state that you are giving 100% when you are working but due to breakdowns in societal support, you and your partner both can’t work 100% of 8-5 hours. It would help if your husband/partner would take 50% of the pain.

      Perhaps one or both of you can work 5am-8am before the kids are up and then trade off 2 hour blocks of time and then both work from bedtime to 10pm. Or maybe one of you works 5am-1pm and the other works 1pm-9pm and you inform your employers of that time and state that you’ll “monitor” email during other times. But after you research and hammer it out with your partner/husband, I’d spell it out and basically tell them that you, a high-performing employee, are working as much as possible in situations beyond your control and perhaps state that each day they will get a minimum of 8 hours work out of you, just not all 8-5. And I would emphasize to them that most of your clients, likely, are not at 100% either and will be accepting of slight delays in non-emergency items. You are basically daring them to fire or penalize you during a pandemic which I think a lot of employers wouldn’t want to do.

      I would absolutely not take partial days as leave as that is not fair to you. Good luck.

      1. Gently, you’re conflating a lot of issues in this response.

         1. Lawyer, not an employment lawyer, but yes, conflating a lot of issues.

            As I understand it, the rationale for not allowing people on FMLA leave to answer emails, etc., is that “allowing” employees to work can be, in reality, the company forcing them to work, which allows the company to end-run around their legal obligations.

            Companies can set requirements for salaried employees, and can require that they work more than one hour in a day. This varies by state.

   7. Do you work for a company with <500 employees? If so, and with the usual disclaimer that this is not legal advice, look at the new paid leave provisions (paid sick leave and expanded FMLA) under the Families First Coronavirus Relief Act. It provides paid time off and job-protected leave for multiple reasons, including if you have provide childcare for a child whose school/care has been closed due to an isolation order/quarantine. It's limited to 2/3 of your pay, for up to 12 weeks.

4. The discussions yesterday about inevitable law firm layoffs have me really worried. I’m currently trying–and failing–to keep up with my full time job as a lawyer while also providing full time childcare to my 2 and 4 year olds. I’m trading off with my husband throughout the day, while he also tries to keep up with his similarly demanding job. My practice group is reasonably busy right now and I know I should be one of those people putting out the immediate alerts for clients and jumping on every opportunity. But I’m not. My hours are not good right now and I’m struggling to stay on top of the urgent things, much less handle the slightly less urgent stuff.

   TL,DR – How do you balance the need to demonstrate your worth to your law firm in times of economic uncertainty, while also handling childcare for two young kids??

   1. You have my sympathies. I had kids your age during the 2010-2012 slog.

      In BigLaw, there is the problem of the incompetent / non-responsive ghoster, and they are often kept on hoping they will leave and not getting the hint. They are always in the first round of cuts (along with good people who are just slow, etc.).

      My guess is that new recruiting is cut then and perhaps start dates get deferred. The second round of cuts . . . maybe that depends on how the virus goes. And if childcare reopens, etc.

      So for now, be polite, helpful, and do what good work you can. I was in a super-busy field in the last recession and yet my firm let my area be understaffed, preferring to let slow people pitch in to preserve their jobs (it just made even more work for me because while some were green/helpful, some were horrible ghosters who did really bad work and turned it in late and that made me stabby).

      TL/DR: my kids watched way too much TV. Still a problem. But solvable on good days with a slight bit of parental nudging. And it set them up OK for now with living in a world of excess screen time and no great other options.

   2. You do the best you can. That’s all any of us can do

      1. +1

   3. I’m right there with you, and I don’t even have kids. Most of my deals are indefinitely paused, the work I do have is boring, I hate WFH, and I’m too anxious to focus. My hours are too low to justify my salary at this point. If there are cuts to be made, I’m pretty sure I would be one of the first to go, and that’s just making me more anxious and less productive. I think we’re all doing the best we can, and this too shall pass.

      1. +1 I could have written this.

   4. i might get flamed for suggesting this. and depending on where you live and your home this will/won’t work, but could you all self quarantine for 2 weeks, find a relative/childcare provider to self quarantine for 2 weeks and then have them move in with you?

      also – some little things that have made our lives a bit easier at the moment with kids – paper plates, lots of pb&j/grilled cheese, involving the kids in chores (yes they take longer, but then it is also an activity for them, so in these circumstances it helps expand our bandwidth) and breaking the day into small chunks of time. hang in there!

      1. This. It’s a great option if you have live in space. Friends may even have recommendations for a nanny who they are not currently using.

         1. At first I thought you said “If you live in space”

      2. +1 – we have an au pair. We went to this solution when my son went to school hours but it has absolutely been a savior for snow days/summer break/sick days. Live in childcare isn’t for everyone but it is a flipping lifesaver for situations like these.

         1. God, I’m so jealous of people with au pairs now! I always thought it was a “good for them, not for me” solution, but since our back up care was the 65-75 year old grandparents and we relied on elementary school & associated aftercare, we’re at the other end of the spectrum of being suddenly without any support.

   5. For two-lawyer opposite-sex couples with kids, I’m wondering whether it makes sense to prioritize the perception that the woman is available and responsive. If a woman doesn’t respond to an e-mail immediately, it will be assumed that she’s watching Daniel Tiger or making slime with the kids. Not so for a man.

      1. I posted above about having a medicore white male husband who is a VP. He legit was napping and watching Daniel Tiger yesterday and making volcanos in the bathroom with the kids. ;)

         1. Ha ha. And I bet no one at work suspected that was what he was doing!

   6. This is probably not a popular response and I’m still not sure its the right choice, but I’m actively trying to find temporary child care that will either live in with us or that is only working with our family and practicing social distancing (so only trips to the grocery store, pharmacy and to our house or a walk outside away from other people). My husband and I are both in BigLaw and its just not sustainable without child care. We have no local family and all our family is high risk anyways.

      1. I think this is a great solution. Look for recently graduated college or high school students who don’t have full time employment. I know one. Or day care workers whose day cares are closed. Or hair stylists or dog groomers whose salons are shut down. Waiters or waitresses?

      2. Check the facebook au pair groups – there are a TON of in-country au pairs who can’t travel home or who are re-matching due to unrelated issues. If you have room it is a lifesaver.

   7. I would keep on doing what you’re doing, honestly. If layoffs are imminent at your employer, it won’t really matter what you did in the weeks leading up to it, they’ll look what you achieved over the last 3-6 months and whether they need someone with your expertise going forward. Trying to be super productive as decisions are being made will only stress you out, and it won’t make much of a difference.

      I say this as someone who was laid off last fall, and who will likely be laid off again next week. My manager is actively giving us permission to not work if there’s nothing we need to be doing, as long as we’re available on Slack and responsive to any emails that come through.

5. Some people asked for updates on my now “not-long distance-is this even a relationship?-relationship” that I got myself in during this quarantine. Day 8 together and still enjoying each other’s company. Had the talk yesterday that I actually can’t go back to NYC any time soon, so we’ll be playing it by ear. He’s taught me how to throw a rugby ball properly, we’re going to a park after his workday is done and throw it around. We have put in an application to foster a dog together during this time. He gets annoyed that I like to grocery shop without a list. We have a routine in the morning, he makes the first cups of coffee and I make the second. I’m still applying for jobs in DC (jobs are still being posted, shockingly) and have a few leads about second interviews God knows when…but we have yet to talk about anything going forward involving us in a post-quarantine world. But do we need to? I think it’s unspoken that, when I move down here (fingers crossed!), we’d be an exclusive couple? I mean, I’ve now shared the single bathroom with a man I have known for just over two months . We might as well get married in the fall.

   1. Love this!

   2. I don’t accept anything “unspoken” in relationships, because there’s room for misunderstanding. (“I never said that!” Technically true.) That said, I wouldn’t try to have any DTR right now. We’re in an alternate reality and don’t even know how long it will go on! I’m so glad you’re having fun.

      1. +1. I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m still seeing my new guy. We both live alone and he either walks the few miles over or I pick him up and then we hang out for a few days before he goes home for a few days. I suspect he will actually just start staying at my place full time before this is over, but we only started dating at the beginning of March so haven’t discussed that yet given that it’s so new. I know he isn’t interacting with anyone else in person, so I guess we are at least kind of exclusive for the time being. Nothing in my area will open until at least the end of April, so my plan is not to worry about it for the time being and but to have the DTR talk once the world reopens. But I don’t think you can assume anything in relationships.

   3. This sounds delightful and I think you should savor it, but I agree with Monday that we are in the Twilight Zone and you can’t draw any conclusions at the moment. That said, if you’re together 24/7 and not annoying each other, there is potential . .

   4. Yay!

   5. Thank you for updating us! The random details like the grocery shopping comment are hysterical!

   6. “We have put in an application to foster a dog together during this time. He gets annoyed that I like to grocery shop without a list.”

      This is my new favorite rom-com and the content we all need right now!!

6. Good pick. I have two of these. One is my desk wrap that I fortunately grabbed before we closed. I’ve been wearing them constantly.

   1. I also have two of these wraps, one in dark gray and one in teal. I usually use them to stay warm going to and from the yoga studio (God, I miss my yoga studio), but they’ve become a staple while I’ve been working at home. They are so soft and cozy, plus I love the deep pockets!

7. Any recs for a tee shirt dress?

   1. American Giant for super-basic. Anthro has some more elevated ones. I tried one from Eileen Fisher once but it was too long (and I’m not short) and boxy.

   2. Old Navy – their jersey swing dresses are basically the same and very comfortable.

      1. +1

      2. +2

      3. +1. I don’t have an ON swing dress but I have a 3/4 sleeve, knee-length jersey dress that is super versatile.
         And not to be all “*~*!Coronavirus Sale!*~*” but everything at ON is 50% right now.

         1. I think this is the dress I have https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=483362032&cid=15292&pcid=15292&vid=1&grid=pds_275_303_1&cpos=277&cexp=1483&cid=CategoryIDs%3D15292&ctype=Listing&cpid=res20032608184852680277476#pdp-page-content

   3. I bought one from the Gap – short sleeve, with a side twist at the waist – and it’s very flattering. I may have bought two in different colors…

8. The grandmother question yesterday had me thinking.

   I live in a city with a stay at home order which I’ve been very good about following – only leaving to go to work (essential, but work from home when I can ), a once week grocery trip for the essentials, and on days where I get home from work before 8pm, a solo walk/run on less crowded streets to avoid being near others.

   I think the answer is no, but wanted to check. What’s the verdict on seeing other people while outdoors but keeping a wideeee birth. My parents also keep asking me to visit. Could I visit with them in their yard standing 10 feet away and not go into their house at all? Visiting relatives is allowable under the stay at home order.

   Since Easter is canceled, friends were talking about doing an “Easter brunch”. We bring our own food and get together in their alleyway standing 10 feet apart in all directions.

   I think it’s probably a no, and that it’s an if you ask you already know the answer but wanted to get a pulse check from this board.

   While not a healthcare worker, I’m an essential worker on the “second lines” of response so am very aware of the severity and seriousness of this situation.

   1. In suburbia on a wide street, but people have been going to their driveways with a beer and shouting to each other. Per city ordinance, driveways are >5 feet from the lot line; street is crazy wide (30″? It is about 3 lanes of traffic but just a 3 block street). People walk down the middle of the street to reposition / walk dogs during the beer shouting time.

      1. This seems different to me than the Easter situation OP is describing. What you are describing sounds fine. The Easter situation sounds like they stand in a circle and try to arbitrarily keep 10 feet between them, which is harder than having a set defined driveway. Also something about food being involved makes it seem like an even worse idea somehow. Just more opportunity for ingesting germs.

         1. Maybe you could have progressing Easter shouting — you drive to someone’s house and they are on their front steps and you are like a cop — rolling down your window but not leaving your car. Then the next friend drives up and you drive to the next house. Half of the people are in houses and half are drivers.

         2. OP here – Easter idea made me uneasy as well but the intent was that we’d literally be standing a few houses apart from each other (live in the city so row homes). So, I guess the city version of what’s happening in suburbia. Not in a circle, each eating our own food, etc.

            1. My friend’s husband is doing a Zoom meeting birthday dinner for her this weekend. He reached out to our friend circle, and we’re all going to log on at a specific time and do a toast then eat our own meals. I’ve had virtual cocktails as well. It’s not the same as in person – even a few feet away — but it was surprisingly wonderful.

            2. One of my relatives lives in an urban neighborhood that has instituted a stay in your own yard happy hour each day. Some people will sing or play an instrument. I think it’s a great idea as it offers some human “contact” and is also a way to make sure that neighbors, especially older ones and ones living alone, are okay.

   2. Visiting parents while keeping a wide berth seems reasonable to me, especially if you’ve all been in isolation for a couple of weeks.

      A larger gathering in an alleyway like you’re describing for Easter brunch seems like a “no,” partly because it would be really difficult to enforce having everyone stand far away, not share food, etc., and partly because the larger number of people means more risk, especially if some are not isolated.

   3. Why would the answer to being outdoors within 10 feet of someone be “no”?
      My answer is a firm “yes.”

      1. For visiting housebound or elderly relatives, sure.

         For a social event, what would be the point? Obviously meeting electronically would give you more social interaction than sitting ten feet apart and … doing what — waving and yelling to the person closest to you? I don’t understand. What would be the benefit?

   4. Avoiding those unnecessary activities is the entire point of a stay-home order. However, you could move the social visiting and brunching to virtual formats.

      1. That’s my thought as well. If you’re trying to get creative, and look for strategies and workarounds to make in-person visits okay, you’re probably missing the point a little.

         1. +1. If you have to come to this site to ask whether your special exception is okay, it probably isn’t.

   5. I would say yes to visiting your parents at a distance. No to the Easter brunch. The latter just seems entirely less necessary and fraught for rules to not be followed, even accidentally. Also is just too many people.

   6. Just follow the rules. Please. Every single interaction with others increases risk.

      1. +1 Ask yourself, is this worth dying for? Is this worth someone I love dying? Even, is this worth a stranger dying? The answer, right now, is always no.

         1. This is me too. SO MANY people have become sick with NO known exposure. Where did they get it? What did they do “wrong?” Do you want that to be your parents?

      2. +1 to this. Please. Just stay home! Is Easter brunch necessary? No, it’s not. It would be nice, sure, but it isn’t necessary and you can live without it. Why create this completely unnecessary event? It’s manufacturing problems.

      3. The rules seem fuzzy and that’s why I’m asking!

         You are allowed to see family which is why I’m asking if 10 feet away from my parents while outdoors is OK. I have been taking this seriously – I haven’t seen them in a month (we normally get together weekly). I’ve been wondering if I’m taking a very hardline approach or if I’m following guidelines.

         1. I read that in China, something like 80% of cases were spread within the family unit. You CAN see relatives, but should you?

            1. But in China, families are significantly more likely to live together in large units. I don’t think that stat is useful for the OP.

               I’ll be the dissenter, and say I think it is fine to visit your parents if you stay outside and 10 feet away

   7. I am not doing any kind of IRL meetup with friends, even from a distance. For my parents, however, I did go visit them over the weekend. I sat at one end of their porch and they sat at the other – about 12 feet apart. Didn’t go into the house, didn’t hug, etc.

      I’m pregnant and so I’ve been very strict about social distancing – more strict than my city has required. However, I felt like the mental health impacts of their total isolation were significant enough that a visit was important. They’re in good health but I knew that, not seeing anyone, they were becoming depressed, not taking their daily walks, etc. They’re also not able to get their routine healthcare right now and I‘m concerned that health issues may go unnoticed if no one sees them for days at a time. We’ve been video chatting, but I could tell the in-person visit may a difference to them in the way the video didn’t and it let me see how they seemed from a health perspective.

      For now they’ve said they don’t want another in-person, but if they get to the point where they do, I’ll likely do this again. Note that this is permitted under my city’s order – and in fact, my city’s order would allow me to go into their house and have close contact with them, but neither I nor they am comfortable with that given their age and my pregnancy. Isolation poses real, concrete health risks to everyone but especially older people, and so while I’ve been extremely conservative as to all other aspects of this situation – beyond what our city requires or recommends – with respect to this issue I’m taking more latitude (although still within the city rules) because of those risks.

   8. For One, I say yes. A one on one visit from a distance is manageable.

      For two absolutely not! That sounds chaotic and crowded and like prolonged contact. No. Stay home on Easter like the pope says.

      1. I would say yes to the visit to your parents (keeping 10 ft away) and no to the brunch. With the brunch and more people, even if you try to stay away from each other, I think we are all fighting a really human urge to get closer to each other, so it will be harder to maintain distance.

   9. All I have to say on this topic is that the better everyone distances, the better this works, and the better your own sanity — like the last time I touched anyone other than my husband was my parents 2 weeks ago, and the last time I was less than 6 feet from anyone other than my husband was last Friday, when the beautiful weather meant a lot of people were out for a walk. Knowing my own exposure is limited is helping me stay out of my own head.

   10. No.

   11. The rampant paranoia is not helpful. “Stay at home and never go anywhere or see anyone” is great in theory but not practical in real life. And will be less and less practical as time goes on. We have to be reasonable about risks. I go to the grocery store and pharmacy, I ran by my office to pick some things up (and did not see anyone from less than 10 feet away). I am obeying the rules. I am also walking my dog every day and sometime stopping to talk to neighbors (from 6 feet away). I am stopping by my parents’ house a couple of times a week to drop off what they need and say hi (always outside and at least 6 feet away). I went for a long drive in the country on Saturday and only got out of my car briefly at a viewpoint (with no other people). This is keeping me physically and mentally health and the risks are more theoretical than real.

       This might last for months and (like dieting) we need a system people can actually maintain.

       1. Everything you describe seems fine to me (keep it up!), but so does staying inside entirely if it’s for health and safety. Ordinary people go through long term quarantines all the time for individual health reasons, so I don’t see it as unsustainable or impractical by nature.

9. I was sad to get an email from Lo & Sons saying that their business is at risk due to COVID-19 — this is one of my favorite brands, and my husband and I both have multiple bags from there. I’m thinking of ordering the Edgemont, which I’ve had my eye on for awhile. Anyone have this bag and able to speak to it? Also, for a biz-cas environment (no jeans), do we think the navy camo is professional enough? (I know, I know…these are ridiculous questions for the times we live in. Please humor my escapism.)

   1. People have been telling us for years that leopard is a neutral. Even if that’s wrong, I think that navy camo IS professional enough.

      1. I would suggest that leopard is a neutral. Camouflage is not a neutral nor would I suggest it for any type of professional environment (unless you work for the military).

         1. I agree. I am the queen of “leopard is a neutral” but I am quite clear that camo is not professional unless you are in the military.

            1. I don’t think leopard is any more professional than camo. Leopard makes me think of Fran Drescher in The Nanny.

   2. I dont think camo is ever professional, unless your profession is the military. However, I looked at the L&S site and the picture makes it look pretty subtle, so if you had to add camo to your work wardrobe, that would be the best option.

   3. Can someone explain like I’m 5 why Lo and Sons would be at risk due to the coronavirus? Is it because they’re anticipating a drop in demand due to an impending recession? Supply chain issues? But if it’s supply chain, don’t they have backstock they can keep selling during any interruption in production? It’s not like purses are perishable. I’m not an economist and have no business background, so go easy on me in case this is a really dumb question.

      1. Their e-mails state that their staff is working from home, they have some stock on hand, and they are working to ensure continuity of production. I don’t think they are actually at risk.

      2. They make bags for travel (and other uses, like work — but I know I unpacked my work bag and put it away in the closet for the time being since I’m WFH). So while I’m hoping they’re not in immediate danger, I can also understand that the products they offer might not be totally relevant during this period of time.

10. Anyone else in the midst of TTC and thinking about whether or not they should delay trying until we have more visibility on this pandemic? I’m worried about hospitals being overwhelmed by COVID patients, not being able to deliver with my husband in the room, getting sick while pregnant, etc etc. But on the other hand, there’s no guarantee there’s an “end date” to this virus, it could become a seasonal occurrence like other coronaviruses, there’s never a “perfect time”, so maybe we should just go for it? Just trying to wrap my head around all the pros and cons…any advice?

    1. Currently 6 months pregnant with my first and I’m pretty terrified. I can tell you that I wouldn’t have voluntarily put myself in this situation. The world could be really different 9-10 months from now, but I don’t think we have enough information right now to understand which direction any change will take.

    2. I would delay, personally. I have friends who are pregnant now and it’s terrifying. They can’t get prenatal care and may not be able to have their husbands at the hospital when they deliver. This may become a seasonal virus but if it does it will be way less overwhelming for hospitals because 1) many people will already have immunity and 2) there will be some kind of vaccine that many/most people get – even with limited effectiveness it will reduce the burden on hospitals by a lot. I don’t think you have to wait until the virus is gone, just until we’re past peak and hospitals are resuming normal care of non-Covid patients, and that seems like it will only be 6-12 months at most.

    3. I dont know the answer to this, but we’re debating whether to start ttc now or wait a few more months.scary times.

    4. I’m almost 7 months pregnant with my first and I’m fairly sanguine, to be honest. Yes, I’m worried about getting sick while pregnant. Right now, my delivery hospital is still allowing one support person to be present for labor and afterward, but I know this could change. I was fairly panicky last week but I’ve gotten to a place where I’m telling myself I’ll be as careful as I can and lean heavily on positive thinking. Even if I’d known this was in the future, I still would have proceeded – but I’m also 39, so time wasn’t something I had.

       We don’t know the future of this pandemic but we never know the future. You don’t know how long it will take you to get pregnant, or whether your pregnancy will be easy or hard. The truism that there’s never a perfect time to get pregnant has never been more true than right now. I think it’s rational to decide that this time is too uncertain, and it’s also rational to decide that you can live with this level of uncertainty. The only right answer is the one that seems right for you.

    5. Same! I initially thought about the Covid baby boom, but honestly I’m scared to be pregnant in a time where prenatal appointments are being canceled and women are asked to give birth at home or at a hospital alone.

       I have to remember that until 100 years ago, women didn’t have much prenatal care and they gave birth at home all the time. Granted mortality rate was a lot higher, but still, the human race survived a long time without hospitals. Still, these Covid issues definitely make me want to delay TTC.

       1. Where are women being asked to give birth at home instead of in a hospital?

          1. They are not. This is not happening.

             Please. There’s enough actual bad stuff without making things up.

          2. She said “women are asked to give birth at home or at a hospital alone” which to me implies not that women are forced to give birth at home, but that they can choose between either giving birth at home or giving birth in the hospital alone, and that’s a true statement, at least in some places. NYC and I believe also SF have banned all hospital visitors, which includes the partners of expectant mothers.

             1. I feel like giving birth alone in the hospital is harder on dad/mom2 than it is on the woman giving birth. My husband was glad he was there for the birth of our children and from a bonding perspective I’m glad he was too, but actual labor? Once you really get into it, that’s about your L&D nurse. Having my husband tell me to breathe was 100% not helpful and I basically wanted to punch him.

             2. Hard disagree. I think I’d take my chances at home before trying to have a baby without my husband, or anyone advocating for me. I was in so much pain and the nurses we’re awful. My husband and I were alone for hours while I was in labor. At one point, a nurse said maybe if I stopped screaming so much it wouldn’t hurt so badly. I can’t image just being by myself. Not to mention how cruel they were postpartum about my parenting choices.

                Also, keep in mind you may be forced to carry deliver a non-viable pregnancy or continue a life-threatening one in Ohio or Texas right now.

             3. But who is asking them to choose? Even in NYC women are still giving birth at hospitals, not being pressured to do it at home.

             4. My husband was useless in labor, so I agree on that front. But he was invaluable during the post-birth hospital stay – I couldn’t even really get out of bed for the first 24 hours or so. Our hospital did have a nursery you could send the baby to, but not all of them do (“baby friendly” hospitals don’t). Giving birth and then having to care for your newborn alone for 2-3 days with no help from your partner, extended family or nurses seems miserable at best and downright dangerous at worst.

             5. Anon at 12:28, I think she was just saying those are the two choices, not that they are being pressured to choose home birth. But fwiw, I have several educated, intelligent, extremely pro-science friends who are planning home births now because they don’t believe they can safely labor, deliver and care for a newborn without their partners or any other support there. Their OBs are all totally supportive of home birth (to be fair, none of them are first time moms so the home birth risks are lower). None of them would have ever considered home birth in a million years, if not for this pandemic. It is a thing that’s happening.

             6. Given that choice I’d probably choose a drive-thru delivery at a local hospital and get home with baby as soon as they will let me go. I was home with my first less than 24 hours after birthing and it was the right choice for us.

    6. I think there’s a lot of factors to consider. How old are you? Do you have any reason to suspect you’d have trouble conceiving? We started trying and, six months later, found ourselves at the fertility doctor learning that IVF was our only option because we were not going to be able to conceive a baby using our genetic material unless it happened in an embryology lab. So, yay for science! But all that to say – if we’d started trying today, we’d still be trying when COVID-19 was a distant memory, sans kid. You just don’t know what cards you were dealt until you try.

       I also say this as someone who is now 11 weeks pregnant (thanks IVF!) and not freaking out. We’re self-isolating at home (but also required to do so, per our state) and being cautious, but I think that a lot of things will look different by the time this baby is due. I would be more concerned if I was at term b/c things are changing every day, but by the time I’m ready to deliver, we’ll probably have a more steady idea of what to expect (and if that’s that my husband doesn’t get to be in the delivery room – okay, we’ll deal – he still gets to be a father so it’s still a win).

       1. I agree with all this. We are TTC and ultimately decided to continue. I hope that even if I got pregnant today this will have slowed down a bit by the time I deliver. And I’m not sure there will be full clarity for another year or 18 months on the situation/this may end up being a new normal forever and I don’t want to put off TTC perhaps indefinitely.

    7. The risks posed by getting a high fever in the first trimester are pretty significant. I would wait 2 months to see how things look. You’re right that this may not go away fully, but I think in 2 months we’ll have a much better picture of what it will look like and how the hospitals are coping.

    8. I wouldn’t delay. I would be pretty nervous if i were >6 months along (mostly about having to deliver alone! Which I actually did once because DH passed out and hit his head and went to the ER–it was with my second though, not my first.), however, I think by the time you conceive and hit the 8 week mark for the first visit, we’re talking June/July. And even if you can’t be seen for that first visit, then it’s a 12 week visit in August. If we aren’t doing pregnancy visits in August…we have a much, much bigger problem.

    9. There is never a perfect time, but in the middle of a global health pandemic where the outcome remains murky and the timeline unclear seems to be a particularly imperfect time. I would absolutely wait.

    10. We are still TTC. But we have been for 18 months, and the thought of delaying it even more months is just unbearable. I think maybe if we were just starting out I’d consider delaying.

    11. I am still TTC, even though I’m very worried for a friend who is further along in pregnancy. But I have a health condition that limits my timeline without increasing my pregnancy risks. Also, I think 9 months is a long time in pandemic-time, so I wouldn’t be worried about delivery care. DH’s income is very secure, and I think mine is relatively reliable (although smaller), but I think the recession would actually be more concerning than the medical issues.

        1. +1 – I posted below that we’re waiting probably until the end of the year and part of the reason is because while we can currently survive on DH’s salary (lower but much more stable) alone with minimal dips into our emergency savings (6 months if neither of us were working, more if DH is employed but I’m not) it would be Impossible to do that if I were out of work and we had to pay for all the expenses associated with having a baby. I just want to see how this year goes for my firm.

    12. Assuming I don’t get pregnant this month, we’re pausing at least for a few months. Maybe to the end of the year but we’ll see.

    13. We’re not currently trying for reasons unrelated to covid (avoiding winter birthdays), but we are going ahead with our plan to start trying in the late spring / early summer. We are prioritizing other factors over the immediate situation – I’m 30, we want 2-3 children, I don’t want to be pregnant after 35, and we have no idea how long it will take. If we don’t get pregnant six months from when we start trying, I want to be able to talk to my doctor about fertility treatments assuming the world has regained some sense of normalcy by then.

    14. Depending on your age and other medical factors, I would delay. I say this being 12 weeks pregnant with a very-much-wanted IVF baby- I wish the timing was different, so I could enjoy this pregnancy and not be anxious all the time. I am nervous going in to prenatal visits and scans because of all the extra exposures to other patients and the hospital. We don’t know anything about the risks to the fetus of covid in early/mid pregnancy. There will eventually be a vaccine. If you are <35, I would for sure delay.

    15. There have been some interesting conversations on the mom’s site the past few days about this. Lots of pregnant scared women (me included @ 22w) right now. It’s so odd when this thing first started, I was terrified of getting sick and hurting the baby. Now that seems so silly compared to all the other stuff I’m scared of right now, including losing my job for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, the health and safety of my kid is the most important thing, but I have done literally everything I can at this point to keep us healthy. It’s just me and husband in the house at all time except for very quick groceries. All the evidence suggests that it doesn’t pass to the fetus or cause any lasting health consequences, unless you get a high fever in the first trimester. Of course, the medical community is learning more and more every day so that could change.
        I’m scared a lot now… I’m scared of losing my job. I’m a little scared of birthing alone (yes I would deal, it would be so sad for our first born). I’m scared of being stuck in my house with just my husband for months after the baby is born in round 2 of self-isolation. I’m scared I will be unemployed and not able to afford all of the beautiful baby things I was dreaming of. It’s a lot of unknown, but I’m in this thing now. Every baby kick reminds me there is life after this fear. In a few short months I will have my little boy under probably less than ideal circumstances, but he will be here!
        I think if you do wait, you might be waiting forever for perfect timing. Shit is always gonna hit the fan at the least opportune time. Yes, there likely won’t be a pandemic a year from now, but you never know. It’s a tough call, and if this was going on while I was ttc, I probably would put it off a month or two for things to return to some semblance of normal. I wouldn’t wait for a vaccine to get developed or the case count to drop to 0 or you’ll be waiting for a long time.
        Best of luck in these stressful times.

        1. Also, not being able to drink while all this mess is going on majorly sucks. So -1 for pandemic-pregnancy.

    16. We were planning to start trying soon, but decided to wait a month till late April to evaluate how the situation is going at that point. FWIW I happened to ask this question to my OB/GYN yesterday when she called to give me some test results from a few weeks ago, and she said that she wouldn’t tell me not to try right now if I felt I couldn’t wait (32, no kids yet) but that waiting a month and seeing how things are and then starting to try sounded like a good plan. I agree with the other posters that I think this is a bigger risk if your delivery is going to coincide with the peak of hospitalizations in your area. For those who just start trying now, it is statistically unlikely we would be delivering until 2021 when presumably public health measures will have this much better under control even if no vaccine yet or cure. We can certainly produce and distribute a lot more PPE and ventilators by then. This is just where I’m personally landing. I have an MPH and work in international public health but I think this is a very individual decision.

    17. I think this really depends on your age and how many kids you want, as well as any underlying health issues you have. If you’re a healthy 39 year old who is finally ready to start a family, you will make a different set of a decisions than if you’re 28 and have diabetes and want one kid.

        (This is not meant to be judgy towards people who are older, younger, sick, healthy: just trying to communicate that there is “no one right answer,” and that the answer is more dependent on how much time you have left to have kids as well as issues that may make a pregnancy higher risk.)

11. PSA: BBC Sounds has some fun audiobooks on the go at the moment. The new Hilary Mantel and The Flatshare which looks delightfully fluffy. I’m pretty sure they work in the US, my mom has listened to them in the past.

    1. The Flatshare is excellent, I’ve read it twice!

       1. Agreed. The audiobook is particularly good!

12. I am very low contact with my mother, who loves me and meant well but was a terrible neglectful parent in practice. I would prefer no contact, as speaking to her makes me anxious and unhappy, but she doesn’t have a lot in her life so I try to grin and bear occasional interactions even though they take a lot out of me.

    I’m in New York City and obviously under a great deal of stress due to the current situation. She keeps sending me text messages that stress me out about safety/etc. and then pleading with me to respond to them. I don’t know what to do to balance my need for mental health with being nice to her and assuaging my guilt. For my own sake I wish I could go completely no contact with her but that seems so unkind.

    1. You may can “set a boundary” (in DBT speak) without going no contact. “I need not to talk about this, Mom! I’m going to delete any messages you send about this without replying to them.” You could also set time boundaries (“I’ll be away from my phone until after six today!”). It can seem like this would never, ever work on someone who doesn’t keep themselves in check, but it often does work once they realize that you really won’t engage otherwise.

       1. A good boundary might be a regular check-in. I.e., I will not respond to your text messages about safety, but I will send you a good morning or good night text every day so you know I’m safe and I know you’re safe, too.” In fact, this is not my situation at all, but I might implement with with my own family.

          This is a really stressful time for everyone and folks who deal with anxiety and other mental health stressors are at heightened impact, especially if they are isolated, not monitoring meds, not seeing a provider, etc. That does not in any way give them a pass to use you as a target for that anxiety. Set a boundary that works for you. You can’t control what works for her.

          Good luck, OP, this is hard.

    2. It’s not the same but I have a friend like this and I told her I will be in touch with her but she can’t send me crazy videos and news about how horrible everything is or talk about any of this to me beyond the general. I still have to redirect a fair bit but it’s the best compromise I’ve come up with as I know this is her way of dealing with her anxiety (somehow assuming the worst about everything makes her feel more in control) and she’s lonely and scared but I also can’t sacrifice my own sanity completely.

    3. I do not have any issues with my mother so take this for what it is worth – but I have told mine that (1) just because I am working from home does not mean I am not working so I am not closely monitoring my text messages and will get back to her at the end of the day and (2) that virus news is making me anxious so please stop sending me every article and announcement.

       Good luck. This is a hard time!

    4. “Mom, I am staying safe. I know you mean well, but this is stressing me out and I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to console you every day.”

13. So I’ve been WFH for three years and usually it is fine. Even though technically my work situation hasn’t change, I’m still finding it so hard to get work done and concentrate and maintain the status quo. I’m single and no kids so my environment hasn’t even changed. I guess WFH always worked before because I had outside the house things to look forward to at night and on weekends, and without that I’m just crawling towards nothing. Anyone else in this boat?

    1. I also WFH almost all the time and find myself incredibly unproductive and frustrated but unable or unwilling to buckle down. The author Curtis Sittenfield recently tweeted something to the effect that she has written seven books (editorial comment: GREAT books) “in sweatpants” but this is a completely different feel and she isn’t productive. That made me feel a little better.

       I keep thinking how when this is over I am going to hate myself for not being super-productive at work, playing board games with my kids instead of lying around watching bad TV and being on our phones, not rearranging the basement storage room, etc. while I had the chance. I feel like I am just existing sometimes.

    2. Yep. This isn’t real wfh. This is stressed, anxious, can’t leave the house wfh. Two very different beasts.

       1. Yeah, this is not a normal situation. I try to just get through one day at at time, but sometimes I get this feeling of suffocation and anxiety knowing the outside world is a mess.

    3. I’m mostly still in person with occasional work from home, but I’m also feeling it.

       I was explaining my new schedule for the foreseeable future to my mom (6 10-14 hour days, 1 day off). My mom responded that “at least your day off is a Saturday! So much better than a random Tuesday!” To which I responded is it? Nothing is happening on a Saturday anyways!

       My work is mostly 40 hour weeks with spurts of 60-90 hour weeks thrown in. Normally the busy weeks don’t bother me, because when I do have an early night or a day off I make sure to see family/friends and do something fun to blow off steam, and now I can’t.

    4. Same. I work from home 50-75% of the time under normal circumstances, so when we switched to 100% I figured I’d be fine. But it’s not just work that has changed – it’s so many aspects of life, the stress and uncertainty of the future, the isolation, and just being stuck inside/at home. It stinks, but I’m just reminding myself that I have to be patient and get through this.

    5. Yep. Childless, though pregnant and it’s just me and husband and dogs. I wfh fulltime before all this, and he was about 50% wfh so we aren’t adjusting to the WFH setup. I used to just crush my days. Get stuff done at home and work all at once no problem.
       Now it all just feels so pointless. I can’t get myself motivated to do anything. I just want to curl up on the couch and eat Reese’s eggs and watch HGTV and sleep away every day until this crap is over.

    6. I think it’s important to remember that you would also be less productive at the office. Before I went WFH, I was legit terrified riding public transit for 2+ hours each day and working around my coughing, sneezing coworkers (“is it allergies? Didn’t she just travel abroad? Omg he’s not washing his hands?”). I know that if I were still there, I’d be the same or worse as I am at home – stressed and not as productive as usual.

    7. Yes! I started WFH for a new job last fall. Now, however, I’m super unproductive. I’m anxious, I have 2 housemates home, and none of us can leave. I looked forward to getting dressed up and going out and about on weekends and making dinner plans to ensure I’d have a hard stop. Now…I worked until 8 PM last night because I had nothing else to do, but I wasn’t very productive honestly.

14. I have this sweater and it’s one of my favorite pieces to wear! It really is cozy and so comfy, I definitely recommend it. I actually wear it almost every time I fly, it functions like a wearable blanket but you look put together while traveling.

15. Anyone in mortgage finance? We’re trying to take advantage of the low interest rates to refinance our mortgage, but our banks are telling us they need to do an in-home inspection. Is this standard/ required by law? If so, are there rumblings about changing this requirement now with COVID? We are in NY (outside of the city) and on a state-wide stay-at-home order, and while I know banking is considered “essential services” this seems pretty ill-advised. Help?

    1. How low are the rates now? I tried to look this up but couldn’t figure it out quickly without having to give out my email and info. We have a pretty low rate to begin with (3.1 %) so just trying to figure out how much lower it can go.

       1. I recently was approved for 2.19% but obviously there are a bunch of factors that go into a mortgage rate.

       2. What kind of term are you looking for? Jumbo or conforming? Loan to value? credit?

          If that’s your 30-year mortgage rate, conforming or not (aka jumbo or not), that’s a darn good rate. Most lenders right now are publishing rates to avoid the influx of calls inquiring about rates. Rates have largely also popped up in the last week to help taper the number of reifs. Poke around some of the regional banks and local credit union webs ites and see what they have published.

    2. Not sure if this is the same thing, but we need an appraisal to complete our refi and he’s coming tomorrow. He’ll wear a mask and gloves as well as booties so we are hoping it’s fine. I’m in CA so stay at home order statewide.

       1. They still do appraisals in person? I thought that post-Great Recession all appraisals had to be done entirely on line based on comps.

          1. This would be news to me, but maybe state by state? When I bought my two homes (both within last 5 years, most recently in June), they were in person. You don’t have to tour the comps, but you have to see the subject physical real estate to then determine how to adjust up or down against the comps.

    3. Commercial mortgage broker here, not resi, but there are many similarities…

       You’ll need an appraisal, which requires an in-home visit and photography. A lender (as in the loan officer or rep from the bank) does not need to inspect as a baseline but some of the old school lenders around here (credit unions, sleepy local banks) may require it as a matter of their credit/underwriting policy. Definitely NOT a norm, but every bank has slightly different requirements, reasonable or unreasonable as they may be.

       There are no discussions I’m aware of about changing the requirement among the lenders I work with for easing any underwriting policies (inspections or otherwise). Refinances are very largely nice to have not need to have, especially if you’re just chasing a lower rate given the times, so there’s no justifiable reason to relax this requirement. Anything is worth an ask in these unprecedented times, but don’t be surprised if it’s a no. That, and mortgage lenders are so overwhelmed with refi requests, they might just as easily tell you no thanks and move to the next rather than accommodate a request tat goes against internal policy. Not saying it’s right, but also no an unlikely outcome.

    4. We refinanced 3 years ago with a credit union and had to have an in-person appraisal (that was a requirement with every bank we contacted, not just the CU we went with). The appraisal involved photos of the interior. The inspector didn’t care about mess or cosmetics, he just needed to get a sense of overall condition and age of things. Surprisingly, he rated our early-90s renovations as appearing as though they were less than 10 years old and in like-new condition, which bumped our appraised value quite a bit higher than we expected and made the refi much easier.

    5. We just re-financed and did not need an appraisal. I don’t really know why ( I didn’t ask), but we have a VA loan and we bough this house 2 years ago so either of those could be a factor.

16. I went to order this a few days ago and every single color in my size (S) was backordered and estimated to ship July 23, 2020. I ordered a couple of the Old Navy knock offs.

    1. FWIW, it runs small so an XS might fit better.

    2. Oops, it runs large, not small.

17. Since I’m stuck at home, I called my cable and security companies and got lower monthly rates for both. I don’t know why I get so anxious about calling about stuff like that, but I’m glad I did it. One small win for the day.

    1. After being divorced for 14 years, my ex-husband and I will be on a three-way call with the cable company on Friday to FINALLY put the cable in my name. The bill comes to my name and the PIN was (probably incorrectly) changed to my number years ago, but it’s always been in his name and they would not budge on letting me change it. My dude can’t get cable at his place and wants me to have a way to record some stuff for him, so I am biting the bullet and doing this, despite the fact that I haven’t spoken to my ex in years. Ex-H offered to do it, after I emailed him about a mutual friend who was lost to COVID-19 at age 98 in a local nursing home/assisted living facility. He’s obviously not telling his wife that he’s doing this (doing it at work), but whatevs. After all these years, I will finally have this f-ing thing taken care of. The dude and I had a conversation about it the other night – his divorce is now being contested and he is being asked for all kinds of financial data on his now-defunct business and credit card accounts that he hasn’t used. I said that, compared to his situation, dealing with my ex-H over cable isn’t all that bad.

       1. I’ve had the same problem with my security company. Bill comes to me, username is me, ex does not have any access to the account, but the account is still technically in my ex’s name. They only let me change the username, e-mail address, and password after I sent them the divorce settlement, decree, and refi papers showing that he no longer had any interest in the house, which led me to wonder how they would have handled a domestic violence situation. I surmised the answer was “not well.”
          Point being–a three-way call might be the trick? Ugh. I’m not sure that’s worth it.

          1. At this point, it was the only way for him to cancel, with me on the phone giving consent, then having them set me up as the account holder and transferring over the existing equipment. I *think* that if it were a normal time, he could have just called and canceled, then I could have returned the equipment in person and gotten new. Not sure. This has been going on so long that it’s hard to tell. They did allow me to change the PIN, then they kept saying that they shouldn’t have done that… I mean, I’ve obviously been paying the bill for 14 years. It was the only thing in my ex’s name because I move in here two months before he moved to Louisiana.

       2. Wow, that sounds incredibly frustrating! Hope everything goes smoothly on Friday.

    2. I don’t understand how people negotiate lower rates with the cable company. I’ve tried it more than once, and the customer service reps and supervisors always say they don’t have the authority to grant existing customers the intro rates or to adjust rates in any way. I suspect that it has to do with the fact that the cable company is the only available ISP and a threat to cut off service and go with a competitor is not plausible.

       1. I’ve had luck when I called in to outright cancel service. That’s when they start listening. Of course I had every intention of cancelling so they can’t call my bluff. Otherwise it’s like pulling teeth with cable companies.

          1. Yes you have to be willing to cancel.

             If your cable is for TV only and you have other internet access, try streaming. We don’t miss cable TV at all.

             I’m in NorCal and we have Sonic internet.

       2. I called specifically about a promo we had for a year for some of the premium cable channels. The rate for those channels was going to go up so I asked if they had any new promos or discounts available for these specific channels. The rep did some checking and said since we were long time customers she could overall offer a reduction on our monthly bill. This is Spectrum.

       3. Everytime something goes wrong with our cable or internet DH calls Comcast to complain. It is a PITA, and I love him for it, but it does the trick. Outage? Call. Slow internet speeds? Call. He has a phrase he always uses, I forget what it is exactly but something like “what are you going to do to make this right”. Always results in an upgrade of some sort, or a few months free, or a free premium channel, etc.

18. Anyone else having a hard time with walking/exercising outside? I’ve been very diligent about finding less crowded areas, moving to the side to give others space to pass, etc. etc., but I keep finding that others, especially parents with kids, aren’t extending the same consideration. Yesterday I moved to the right to avoid a mom and a ~7-year-old girl who was coughing heavily without covering her mouth while simultaneously zigzagging across the street after an unleashed dog. I seriously tried to gtfo as fast as I could, but I’m pretty sure she coughed on me. Then a dad pushing a smaller child on a bike decided to push the bike straight at me, coming within 2 feet (again all the way on the right) instead of taking the 10-20 feet available on his side of the road. I was kind of stunned and not sure how to respond in the moment besides getting the heck out of there. That was just yesterday – similar but more mild stuff, like families walking three abreast and taking up the whole bike path, has been happening other days. I’m not even sure what I’m posting this for – I guess for tips on how to respond? I totally, totally get how it’s hard to deal with this whole situation with kids right now, but it doesn’t seem right to me that a heavily coughing child should get to ruin the limited outdoor time the rest of us have available or that basic courtesy doesn’t get practiced/taught. Ugh. All of this sucks.

    1. Go out really early in the morning.

    2. in Manhattan and it has been so hard and stressful that I stopped going outside. Yes I’d like to go on walks, but not if the potential exposure stresses me out more than the fresh air calms me.

    3. I agree this is happening but disagree that it’s mostly parents to blame. My husband and I went for a walk yesterday with our toddler and dog and were super careful to avoid people, and then at the end a childless neighbor (who was coughing!) walked up into our yard to say hi and pet our dog and got about a foot away from us. He’s a doctor too! Wtf.

       1. Oh yeah, I didn’t mean to entirely blame parents – I’ve seen plenty of non-parent stuff too. It just seems like the parent-child issues are the most common for me in my area right now. We live near a school and a walking path and I think that some of the families are going to the soccer field there. I tried to avoid the path entirely yesterday, but for the brief section I HAD to walk on to get back home, I had the two encounters in 2-3 minutes.

       2. I saw a neighbor whom I didn’t know, petting my outdoor cat yesterday and thought, oh gosh, now can I pet her? I mean, she’s an outdoor cat (porch kitty) and she doesn’t let very many people get that friendly with her and I was shocked that she did (the little ho). But I was probably being paranoid…

          1. They make cleaning wipes specifically for cats – maybe kitty would let you wipe her down with one of those? My cat despises the bath but he tolerates wipes pretty well.

             1. That’s a great idea! I might do that anyway, since there is so much pollen outside and my indoor cat has allergies. I hate to think what I’m bringing in on my clothes. She started shots last week.

          2. My neighbors, who work in health care, frequently pet my dog over the fence. I used to find this endearing. Now I find it terrifying. When things get worse I’ll probably stop allowing the dog in the backyard unsupervised, which will break her heart.

             1. I’m sure you thought of this, but wouldn’t it be better to just ask your neighbors to stop? I’m sure they’d understand, and it wouldn’t unfairly punish your dog.

    4. Maybe you live in a more dense area than I, but no, it hasn’t been a problem for me. Also, passing by each other with <6 feet clearance is what it is… in my book, that's acceptable risk for all the rewards of being outdoors and getting exercise. Nobody I've encountered in this manner was mid-cough/sneeze/whatever when I passed or was overtaken.

    5. I’ve been dealing with similar issues. I feel like walking outdoors isn’t great exercise for me, and it’s hurting my hip and knees, but it’s all I have right now. I am walking in the streetcar tracks because it’s dirt not pavement (easier on the aches and pains) and *most* people are following the rule of walking toward the streetcar (duh, so you can see it coming and get out of the way) but some are acting like it’s a street and walking on the right, as if they’re driving. That means we’re more likely to meet too closely, right? Ugh. I just don’t get it. When I was walking in the park, I experienced a lot of what you were describing. Little kids just don’t get it and their parents can’t be on top of it constantly. I saw a little girl wipe out on her scooter and about 10 adults standing there helplessly, wanting to help and not wanting to get too close.

    6. Yessss, it’s is so freaking frustrating. I live a few blocks from a beautiful waterfront that’s usually great for running – I’ve tried once, and people were so aggravatingly oblivious. We’re under a shelter in place, you’d think that people could at least TRY to distance? I tried running again the other day in my neighborhood, staying away from parks/the waterfront, and it wasn’t much better – I kept having to dip into the bike lanes/street to avoid idiots. The grocery store was also awful – people were wearing gloves and masks, and then walking right by in narrow aisles. Cool cool, our hospitals are already overwhelmed, great job distancing. /rant

    7. I feel incredibly lucky to be living in a somewhat suburban part of the city, where you may encounter people while out walking or running but it’s easy to go around each other. But sometimes I worry that someone will still give me a hard time just for being out.

    8. Yes. Honestly, I feel like I’m in The Walking Dead. Any time I see another person, even 50 yards away, my anxiety SPIKES. I hold my breath when walking within even 20 feet of people. It’s not even worth it to try to go for walks IMO, I’m only going because my kids/husband are pressuring me. I’d much rather just sit in the backyard (which we’re fortunate to have) to get fresh air, and exercise inside.

    9. Same! I live in the suburbs and walk on a main road but people are running by me on the sidewalk leaving less than a foot between us. I usually go out into the shoulder of the road but that has its own set of dangers. I’ve started just going down driveways now to let people pass. I seem to be the only person that cares.

    10. Yes! The Chicago lakefront has completely absurd this week, and while it would stink for me (as a social distancing rule follower) to have it completely shut down, that is what we deserve after people’s behavior. Running groups, spitting bikers, pickup basketball games (!!!), generally oblivious hordes — it has made the brief attempt to get some fresh air completely neurosis-inducing.

        1. DC had to close down the tidal basin with all the Cherry blossom trees because so many people were driving to come and walk around them. On the one hand, I totally get it because it was not possible to keep us safe social distance. On the other hand, I think it’s such a waste to have over 50 police officers sitting around to ensure that people aren’t going on the closed sidewalks and it sucks for me since I live less than a mile away and it’s the best walking path in the neighborhood.

    11. People are generally decent at staying away, but there are exceptions. I’ve noticed it is mainly younger men running that are the offenders. Good news is that people will call them out on it.
        I am just tired of running/walking outside and doing body weight stuff at home. I really miss the gym, swimming, and surfing.

    12. Oh, it’s miserable. Our local bike path/walking trail is usually not very crowded, but it’s a madhouse these days. Even with marked lanes, northbound and southbound, it’s busy. That would be fine, but people walk two or three abreast all the time. When we pass people going the other direction, my husband and I always, always, always go to single file. The serious bikers and runners are pretty good about giving people a wide berth and slowing down/speeding up as necessary.

        But the civilians, oh wow they need lessons. I can count on one hand the number of walkers who have ever moved to single file so that we maintain 6′ between us. (The trail is about 8′ wide; it works really well if each side does single file, but two abreast does not.) My fav was when two women were walking together, one on the northbound side of the path and one on the southbound side, both walking northbound. So yay that they were 6′ apart from each other, but they apparently expected everyone else to walk through the mud to get around them.

        What really rips me off is that it just makes it harder to have nice things. I don’t want the county shutting it down because people can’t behave properly, but we’re probably headed in that direction.

19. Sigh. I have been dating someone for six months. He is very quick to suggest we are a couple with an indefinite future, but I rarely get to see him due to work travel and even when he is home, he often chooses to limit the time we spend together. I thought that we’d see each other more now since we are no contact except for each other. But I am still getting the exact same messaging – We are a couple but I shouldn’t stay for a second drink. I kind of want to break up and feel like I can’t now.

    1. Oh honey of course you can break up now. Do it this afternoon

    2. Why on earth can’t you? You can always break up. I don’t get this at all.

       1. +1

          Why the heck can you not breakup?

          You want a relationship where you spend time together. Sounds like he doesn’t. Neither of you are wrong but that doesn’t make you right for each other.

       2. Yes — this is not they guy you need; this is the guy you have who is telling you, repeatedly, that this isn’t one he sees going the distance.

    3. I’ve seen this sort of thing with a couple of guys who hadn’t had a longterm relationship as an adult. They’re sort of lost when it comes to transitioning from dating to being in a relationship. Like oh I’m supposed to spend more than 3 hours at a time with someone before I move in with them? Huh never realized that. It seems so obvious but apparently it’s not to some people. You just have to come out and say, hey I would like to spend a continuous 24 hours together on like a regular basis. Maybe couch it more softly – I love spending time with you and it would be really exciting to spend an entire day/night together, what do you think?

    4. You have agency. Use it and break up. He doesn’t want to spend the time with you for one more drink? That’s a big red flag.
       If he’s only interested in dating you on his terms, and it’s this new of a relationship, and already bothering you, then either tell him what you need and see if he will change (and put hard deadlines in place so you aren’t languishing), or leave. Or just leave. Let him find someone else to only spend one drinks worth of time with, while you enjoy the company of someone who wants to spend LOTS of time with you.

    5. Of course you can break up! You seem frustrated and unhappy, there’s no reason to prolong that just because it seems like a “bad time” to break up with someone. You’re not a good match for each other, break it off and find someone else.

    6. What I mean by “can’t break up” is that we are each other’s sole support right now. There will be no one to help either of us with anything for an unknown period of time. I know I can, technically, but these circumstances change things. I care about him enough as a person to want to provide that backstop, even if we are not going to be a couple. And I need the same. I was hopeful this would make things better, but knew they would be revealing one way or another.

       1. OK, but having a support system who you know won’t be around for the long haul is totally soul-sucking and may even ultimately harm your emotional health.

          1. +1000
             What you say here at 11:53 sounds codependent. You have other friends I presume. Can you find some external support in them? You do not have to be there for this tepid relationship even if it’s extraordinary circumstances.

       2. It sounds like you’re his support, but he’s not yours.

       3. How are you this dependent on each other when it’s only been six months? I could see not wanting to break up if you lived together and shared finances, but what is he really doing for you?

       4. Is this guy really going to provide support?? Doesn’t sound like it!

       5. Yeah, it sounds worse than going it alone, honestly.

       6. Where did you get support from before you met him? Maybe you can develop those relationships. He doesn’t seem very supportive if you’re not comfortable asking to stay for a second drink.

       7. Allow me to spiral for a moment, but what if he did get sick or lost his job? What do you do then? Break up with a COVID patient or recently laid off employee?

          Get out now. It’s what’s right for you. It doesn’t matter if it’s what’s right for him. Harsh, but true.

       8. What not why? He doesn’t love you he isn’t a good boyfriend he is not a child you owe care to.

       9. Re-read your comment – your first concern was for providing him support. Your second comment was that you need support, too. Seems like maybe you want to be needed by someone right now? That totally makes sense but this is not a good relationship – break up and focus on the other people you care about and who will really be there for you.

       10. To clarify (though I really just intended to vent) — We are not dependent on each other. Quite the opposite. We are certainly not co-dependent in any way. We live in separate homes and have separate lives. One thing I like about him is his independence — he manages his own household, animal care, health, shops on his own, feeds himself, etc. He’s never had me cook him dinner or pick something up at the store. But that is what I was hoping might progress (even before lockdown). Of course I have other friends and family who will support me emotionally — lots of friends, in fact. But I can’t be in physical contact with them for some period, and frankly, they are remarkably unreliable in the absence of a crisis. Plus, they are all caring for children and other family or have fled the city. So for a while, I am going to either see him and let him help me if I get sick or I need some help around the house or want to have a deep intellectual discussion or just a hug, and vice versa, or I am totally on my own. I have been on my own forever. I know I can do it. But I thought I had found someone, and I was hoping that this period of togetherness would allow us to become a bit more entrained. It always feels a bit scary to have no one, and these circumstances make it feel even more tenuous. I knew there would be a reveal, I had just expected it to go in the other direction based on what he’s been saying over the last several months. Also, he already got laid off, so there is that.

           1. Also, I did not mean to suggest we’ve never been together for more than one drink. We spend many hours together sometimes (and drink many drinks) and then often call and text right after we’ve separated. It’s just that it feels like he puts a cap on the frequency and random, unplanned, in-person interactions are unwelcome. As Monday said elsewhere, “we are a couple with an indefinite future” and “gee, look at the time” are very confusing messages, esp. when at other times it is “I can’t let you go.”

              Okay, that is all. Just sharing like others who are also concerned about loneliness and the effects of social isolation on relationships in this weird moment in history.

           2. Dude. Listen to yourself. You think this is someone to count on because he does his own grocery shopping. Girrrrrrl. GIRRRRRL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING

              1. I am not. I am saying I think I can’t rely on him but now I am weighing that uncertainty with a small glimmer of hope and the benefit of occasional companionship against the certainty that I will have no one.

       11. I don’t understand why anyone is calling you codependent for this. I assume they must be married or have other people that can be in the same physical space with. This is a really hard time to be single. Usually, my life is full of friends and activities. Now, being single means I cannot be in the same room with another human. If this guy is literally the only person in the world who can be physically close to you then of course you “can’t” break up just because the relationship is kind of meh. Needing a hug sometimes doesn’t make you codependent.

           1. Thank you. This was my point exactly.

    7. What a weird combination: “we are a couple with an indefinite future” and “gee, look at the time” after one drink? If you really like him, you could explicitly point out this disconnect and ask him to explain. (Make sure you’re silent after asking–so often we try to fill in blanks ourselves when others really need to do the work.) Otherwise I agree you can just break it off immediately.

       I wonder if there’s a medical or mental health issue that he knows would show itself after just a few hours, hence his always ducking out quickly.

       1. One more wild card idea–is he gay and trying to avoid physical stuff?

          1. A good question, but no.

          2. Or another wild card: is he married?

             1. Also a good question, but definitely no. No time for that since his 8-yr relationship broke up. I have a key to his house. We live close. There is not another house. He’s not much for marriage. But is there local $ex or a long-distance romance with someone else (or others) at times? (Like — is he kicking me out so he can skype with someone?) I don’t think so, and I have been told “no” in no uncertain terms, but I can’t rule it out entirely. I know it’s not happening at his house.

    8. You’re dating a serial monogamist. Unless you’re also a serial monogamist, break up.

       1. This is good insight and may, indeed, be the case. And I am most definitely not a serial monogamist. But I am still hesitant to break up and enter into true isolation at this moment. Under ordinary circumstances, I would know what to do.

20. Being at home so much, combined with constant hand washing, has me realizing how tiny and crappy my bathroom faucet is. I need a taller, deeper model so I can wash up without slamming my knuckles into the sink bowl.

    Any particular models you feel passionate about? Prefer a silvery finish, like chrome or brushed nickel.

    1. I’d certainly go for a one hand lever thingy instead of taps that turn. Make sure you can shut it off with your elbow (ideally also turn it on with your elbow).

    2. What kind of holes do your sink have? Centerset, single, or widespread?

       1. Centerset

21. Can I get some advice on (1) how to handle something personally and (2) what professionals might be able to support? My father has been declining mentally for years (depressed, believing conspiracy theories) and it seems to be exacerbated by the last three weeks. I’m concerned because (1) he has started taking it out on my mom and I think it is turning abusive and (2) I’m still tied to him financially through a family business, which means I need to be in contact at least every tax season. I am a passive shareholder and do not know the bylaws; my parents are married and both have to agree to something for it to happen for the company.

    Questions:
    (1) How if at all do I talk to him about the crazy? I’d like (1) to communicate boundaries kindly and (2) to help him to get mental help. I doubt his current worldview lets men do the latter. He follows men’s rights activists and other poisonous folks. He alternates between saying really weird things (coronavirus is a cabalistic plot), saying hateful things (hello Chinese virus), and just sounding really sad. I’m not okay with the xenophobia and misogyny; I’m baffled by the cabal; and I wish I could have my normal healthy dad back. Alternatively, if anyone knows of successful interventions for radicalized alt right, that would be awesome. I live in fear of him buying a gun.

    (2) What are my options for separating myself financially? It’s at the point where I’d be okay with them buying me out for $0, but I’d be leaving tens of thousands of dollars on the table, and I think that would make my parents sad as they meant it to contribute to their kids. Do I have any rights to see the bylaws etc?

    Thanks so much.

    1. On (1), has he seen a doctor about this? That’s not really normal and could be indicative of a neurological condition like dementia or Alz. I’d start there if he lets you help him with that.

       1. No, he hasn’t. I don’t know if we had thought of that. The family doesn’t have a history of dementia, but it’s true that my dad has experienced a lot of stress and trauma that might make his brain different. His dad has a similar bent toward conspiracy theories, but to my knowledge it hasn’t ever resulted in behavior this dark. I’ll talk to my mom about this. Thank you.

    2. Ivanka???

       1. Hahaha

          1. Lol *snort* I do see the parallels.

22. My work is essential and really should be done in person. However, in the name of social distancing we’re staggering and having people attempt to work from home. Did 12 straight days in the office, 2 days off, 3 says in office, now 4 days at home, and then will likely be back in person next week.

    My roommate has moved back to her parents and so on my wfh or off days I am 100% alone. Yes, I’ve spoken to my parents on the phone and video chatted with friends but being this alone is new. Aside from this, I’ve literally never gone a day without human interaction let alone multiple.

    Because I do go into work, I can’t see anyone. When I’m working I’m exposed to probably 50 people. Everyone else I know has a roommate, significant other, pet, something. Solidarity for those of us who are alone alone. I can’t wait to go back to work, for multiple reasons.

    1. I totally get it, if I live alone and haven’t been in the office for two weeks. It is incredibly difficult! I’ve been talking on the phone and doing video calls with friends and family, but it’s just not the same in anyway.

23. I’ve been meaning to ask this for several days, but I keep forgetting (despite being on this site more than ever…sigh). Does anyone have any good YouTube cardio dance videos to recommend? I want some fun, energetic videos I can do at home to help me get through the day. I don’t dance regularly and don’t have amazing rhythm so maybe something beginner-friendly would be best, but I’m open to anything!

    1. Peloton app has cardio dance and you can sign up with no credit card info for a 90 day free trial right now.

    2. I’ve seen some dance type videos on Popsugar Fitness.

    3. Yesterday The New York Times spotlighted what ballet dancers are doing to stay in shape, and there’s a dancer named James Whiteside who does “Jim Fonda’s 80s Party Pump” on Instagram that looks pretty fun.

    4. The Fitness Marshall is my go-to!

24. Can someone PLEASE give me an ELI5 (explain like I’m 5) tutorial for setting up dual monitiors?

    I currently have one of these and am hesitant to order a second until I know how to set it up: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01F6V704G/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

    (Side note: I think it might be *too* big and definitely too bright but I can’t figure out how to reduce the brightness, even though I’m far from computer illiterate. It’s possible this may be the wrong sort of monitor for a dual setup.. anyway, I digress.)

    If someone could please explain to me what sort of docking station (links would be great!), what sort of cords, etc., I would REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate it. My work laptop is a ThinkPad, if that’s useful information. Thanks for any help in advance!!

    1. Connect your new monitor to your laptop. Most likely you’ll use an HDMI cable for that, but an older laptop will use a DVI/VGA cable.
       On your start bar, click on Settings -> System -> Display
       From there, you may need to click Identify if your computer isn’t detecting the other monitor. If you’re not sure which monitor is which, click “Identify”. Next, choose which one you’d like to be your primary monitor.
       Your computer will show you what the settings you chose look like and give you an amount of time (15 seconds, IIRC) to accept or cancel the changes.
       That’s all there is to it. You got this!

       1. Thank you! I have the first monitor setup, but I need help with what I need to get to do two monitors. But this should be helpful for fixing the brightness!

          1. Is it not detecting the other monitor (ie 2nd monitor is black) or is it duplicating the screen? Click on the dropdown menu for your options. You most likely want “Extend these Displays”.

          2. For two monitors:
             1. Choose a docking station that supports two (not all of them do). This one (mine) does. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ECDM78E/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
             2. Connect it to your laptop using the included USB cord. Plug both monitors into the back.
             3. If all does not just immediately work, which it may!, (A) you may have to download a piece of software to your laptop per the instructions, and (B) you may have to right click on your desktop and go to “Display Settings.” Once there, you’ll see the connected monitors numbered. Which number is which doesn’t matter, it’s just to identify them. First click on the numbered monitor you want to be “primary” (i.e., the one where your Start button and quick-launch buttons are). Then scroll down to the Multiple Displays heading. Choose “Extend these displays.” Then check the “Make this my main display” box if it’s not already checked by default. For the other monitor, you’ll do the same thing, except the last step.

             You can mock-do this without the docking station if you treat your laptop’s own screen as a monitor. Just do step 3B alone while your laptop screen is open AND you’re connected to your current monitor.

25. Anyone else a first year associate in big law and fearing for your job? My firm has still been announcing new hires, and on a general firm call, the head of the firm said they’ve had a plan in place for a while for a recession, etc.. but this situation seems so far from anything anyone could have planned for, that it’s hard to take a lot of comfort in that.

    I’m really afraid that we’re going to be the first to be axed. And even still, I’m struggling with working from home.. hours are down, I’m letting personal life stress interfere with getting people their stuff on time.. It’s all a mess.

26. I am having a hard time keeping up with workouts, even though I know they make me feel better. I just have zero motivation or desire to expend my energy in that way. To think that 3 weeks ago, I was training for a freaking half marathon.

    1. Me too. I was actually about to post about this before reading your post. Prior to this I had a daily yoga practice and was stating to get back into HIIT and running. I know that apps are available and I can literally just go run outside, but for some reason I just….don’t want to.

       1. Same. All my upcoming races are cancelled and while I know it’s good for me to move, the most I have been able to force myself do is “hike” on the treadmill ocaisionally.

    2. Same. I am usually so good about working out too. Just can’t motivate. I tried running (shelter in place) but there are still a decent amount of cars in the road, and the pressure to run in the road to avoid others on the sidewalk left me feeling really unsafe, so now I’m sadly reluctant to even do that.

    3. I’m sort of the opposite. Nine weeks postpartum, did intervals yesterday (6 x 400s) with another 2.5 miles of walking.

       If you need someone here to check in with, be a workout buddy, etc., I’m happy to help.

27. Ok, looks like DH and I are moving to the Bay Area for his new job, once we’re able to, ya know, enter the region.

    I feel totally overwhelmed re: deciding where to live. Could any Bay Area ladies please explain the basics of your housing situation? We are looking at renting in the $6-9k range, in/near Palo Alto, Mountain View, or Sunnyvale. Will there be more inventory come summer? Right now pickings are very slim.

    Also, for those with kids, how hard is it to get into the zoned public schools? Some of what I’m reading online is disheartening.

    Also, I mean, is there anything good about living in the Bay Area? A Google search for “Should I move to the Bay Area?” basically turns up 1000 articles saying HELL NO.

    1. Where exactly will your husband be working (I don’t need company name, just city)? I can provide some recommendations once I have that. My main one is LIVE NEAR WORK! The commute will destroy you otherwise.

       There’s lots of great stuff about living here. I’m planning to move, but I will miss many aspects, such as the amazing outdoor opportunities, natural beauty, good food, good jobs, high salaries, and culture.

       1. His office is in Menlo Park.

          Can I ask why you’re moving?

          1. If he’s in Menlo Park, I’d recommend sticking to Menlo Park, Palo Alto, or Redwood City (or Woodside if you can afford it). If you can avoid having him drive on highway 101, that’s ideal – the traffic there is horrendous at all hours of the day. Mountain View and Sunnyvale are just too far to commute from. There are tons of great areas around Menlo Park so you won’t be settling. I spent tons of time in Palo Alto growing up (I live in the East Bay now) and the weather is amazing, the town is beautiful, and the people are active and friendly. It’s a little billionaire-heavy now, but you can still find a great community feel. Not sure how outdoorsy you are, but if you are, there’s tons of great open space and parks in the area. Woodside would be perfect if you can afford it – still close to work, but AMAZING nature and great schools.

             As for why we’re moving, we aren’t able to afford to live close enough to work to avoid nightmare commutes and we also want to be within an hour of the mountains. That being said, you can access amazing mountains in California from the Bay Area within 3-4 hours.

             1. Thanks, that’s really helpful context! When you say Mountain View and Sunnyvale are too far to commute from, do you have a sense of how long that would be (fully recognizing that there’s some variation). Google says it would be about 40 minutes, is that realistic, or is it more like an hour?

                We are super outdoorsy which is a big motivator for the move. :) Glad to hear that it sounds like it’s really as great as it appears!

             2. You’re very welcome! And yeah, I’d say 40 mins would be a best-case scenario, but 101 gets SO backed up with accidents, etc. that it can just be a total nightmare. Commuting on surface streets only (or even biking!) would make your lives much easier.

                Feel free to email me at my burner email with more specific questions if you have them. sprc2500 at gmail.com

             3. Wow. This is not a helpful comment from me, but as someone who grew up in Mountain View and never moved back…I remember the days when Menlo Park was a 15-20 drive on average. Traffic must have gotten just ridiculous!

             4. I’d add San Carlos, Belmont, San Mateo, and Burlingame to the list of places you could have a pretty easy commute to Menlo Park from (not that they’re cheap by any means, but your budget sounds fine & you could probably buy in that range too).
                I absolutely love the Bay Area & have lived in SF for 20+ years. Yes, it’s expensive, but that’s the only real downside. There’s a reason it’s expensive – the weather is mild year-round, there’s tons to do outside (close to tons of natural beauty, places to go, wine country weekends – most people’s dream trips are a regular Tuesday here), lots to do inside (great museums (yes, there’s better in other cities, but ours aren’t shabby), theater, lectures, art galleries, restaurants, etc. If you’re politically liberal, it’s wonderful being around like-minded people. There’s a lot of jobs & opportunity here too. Can you buy as big a house? Nope, but you don’t really need to be inside it much (outside of now) anyway.

    2. There’s a lot good about it! The weather in the Palo Alto area is delightful, there is so much beautiful nature and you’re within a few hours drive of so many wonderful places (SF, Napa, Yosemite, Big Sur, etc.) There are three major airports so traveling is convenient and relatively affordable. For me the hardest things were the money and the traffic. If you can spend $9k/month on rent and you’re living close to work (or WFH a lot), it’s a great place to live.

       1. Thank you! This is great to hear. I would love to WFH…

    3. There’s a lot of good about living in the Bay Area! That’s why it’s so expensive to live here – everyone wants to live here.

       Welcome!!

       1. Haha, thanks! I do get that rationally if there weren’t significant upsides to living there, no one would (and pay as much as is required!) but it’s still hard to wrap my head around!

    4. The proximity to amazing places is 100% the best part of living here. The fact that we can: go to wine country even literally just for a day trip, but also for an amazing relaxing weekend super easily; drive to Tahoe in a few hours for world class skiing and summer activities (and I just love Tahoe); go to any number of amazing coastal places both day trips and weekend trips (Half Moon Bay and Mendocino, I’m looking at you); drive to Yosemite in a few hours…. it is all almost ridiculous. There are other places I’m even forgetting. It is to a point where I don’t post when we do these things on social media anymore bc it almost feels too over the top and brag-y. Stretching this even further, you can drive to beautiful parts of Oregon/Palm Springs/So Cal as well…those will be a full day’s drive, but it’s really nice to be able to do a family trip to a great destination without buying 4+ plane tickets every time. Finally, flying to Las Vegas and Cabo are short enough distances where you can easily do it for a weekend, and we are also prime location to get to Hawaii with less pain than the rest of the country can.

       The other thing is the weather is pretty great. Not too cold, not too hot (although where you will be does get fairly hot)…when I grumble about here I definitely take for granted that we can go to a playground for example all year round. Not sure if you are coming from somewhere colder.

       I can’t answer your other questions as I am in the East Bay, which I would definitely not suggest for a job in Menlo.

       1. We’re actually coming from somewhere much hotter, but same idea — there are about 3/4 months out of the year here where we just don’t want to be outside because it’s too brutally hot to do anything but go swimming, and we’re more camping/hiking folks, so hoping to get more of that in once we make the move.

          So this may be an extremely dumb question, and I’m sure it comes down to “fit it into your budget,” but with the super high cost of living, how do you also afford vacations to all the great places you named? Skiing is mostly what I’m asking about — ski trips are like $1k/day for a family in my experience, lodging aside. Are there places cheaper than that where people tend to go?

          1. Yeah, skiing is definitely an arm and a leg for a family. We just go much less than we did pre kids (for many reasons) but prioritize going at least once or twice a season in our budget. There are some hills that are less expensive than others. But with kids who need lessons I have also found you get what you pay for sometimes, like Squaw is ridiculously expensive but I will say the experience is SO easy, so if it’s our 1-2 trip that year, it seems kind of worth the premium. We also often get a house for the weekend with a bunch of families which makes the lodging more affordable than on your own. There are some pretty reasonable Airbnb’s in all the places I mention. Plus, if you make one of them your summer vacation – for example – I just think how we are saving $2K+ plus right off the bat in airfare that many in the country have to pay to get somehwere equivalent.

             1. Also, this is where it’s nice to have some of this as a day trip. Like the wine country day trip I mentioned is a pretty reasonable way to feel like you took a mini vacation without needing lodging or airfare.

             2. True!! On our last ski trip, airfare alone was $4k and the rental car was $1k! Those savings translate into another week on the slopes!!

          2. Don’t go to Squaw Valley! That alone will save you a bundle. Season passes and owning your own gear (get kids gear at a ski swap) will help too.

             1. +1 at least for adults definitely buy your own gear as soon as possible. The number of times you have to go for it to pay off is really low and every time you rent you push that equation off. Good equipment should last for years so you don’t even have to go that many times in a year for it to be worth it. Kids there can be more variables you have to consider but if you can buy cheap, great.

                I suspect with the coronavirus you can probably pick up some end of season ski gear now or soon for probably pretty crazy cheap.

          3. It pays to shop around for the skiing stuff. We’ve gone to a place near Tahoe called Diamond Peak that is not at all fancy, but was way less than $1k/day. You aren’t getting fancy food or service but it was nice all the same. I think there are also lower-rent places closer to Reno (I’m blanking on the name). Mammoth is another option if you don’t mind a long-ish drive.

             Some CA friends go to Utah – not Sundance, but some of the other ski places.

    5. If you check this again, I would also add: I find that a LOT of the people in the Bay Area are not originally from here, or even if they are they often don’t live by where they grew up and/or their childhood friends are scattered. So as someone moving here, I think it is a lot easier to meet people/make friends here bc so many people are either in your same boat or have been. There are also a lot of type A people here that make events happen you can join in on, which is probably made easier by the mild year round weather and everyone’s openness to using new technology and apps for things like that.

       Not to say the usual making-friends-as-an-adult-is-hard doesn’t apply, but I get the sense it’s less hard than other areas.

       1. +1 – even as a “from here” person, I love this – I’ve continued to make new friends as an adult fairly regularly and easily here, I think for the reasons you mention & I don’t have kids or hobbies that involve other people – there’s just an openness to people here and a willingness to go get that dinner/drink/brunch that I don’t think exists as easily elsewhere

    6. My law firm office is in Menlo Park and TONS of people with young kids live in San Carlos and think it is the best ever.

    7. I LOVE Palo Alto with young kids. Very bike-friendly, lots of outdoor spaces, wonderful community, great schools, plenty of restaurants if you don’t go out a ton.

       Getting into your zoned school varies, but most people get their zoned school. All the schools are good. Getting your zoned school is more likely if you can register priority 1 (December/January for the following August), but it can be fine later and you can get unlucky in priority 1 of there are too many issues your kid’s age in your zone.

28. I’m wondering about dating during the shelter in place – like a Love in the Time of Coronavirus. Someone should write a book or at least an article. I’d read it.

    I’m imagining virtual dates and pretty quick commitment to being isolation buddies with benefits.

    1. I don’t know anybody who’s meeting somebody completely new. I don’t even know how you would do that, given that everywhere is close and there’s no way I’m going over to a random guy‘s house. And none of my friends are even interested in being on the apps at the moment.

       But both myself and one of my friends are continuing to see guys we had previously met. In my case, we met through friends and had our first day actual date on March 13, which was right when things got real in my area. We have continued to see each other, when social isolating from everybody else. It’s been a little weird since we can’t go out on normal dates, but not that weird – which might be because we hung out with our mutual friend group over half a dozen times between when we met in February and our first date. Anyways, I won’t be surprised if he basically moves in at some point for the duration of social isolating. It has probably made our relationship move faster then it would have in normal times, as it’s not normal dates but more seeing if we are comfortable hanging out at home together for extended periods. Whether that’s good or bad, in my specific case, is let to be determined.

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