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Updated: Nov 9, 2023 215 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Printed Pleated-Sleeve Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman wearing a black printed long sleeve sheer top and black pants.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

J.Crew Factory is back this season with more perfect work tops. This long-sleeved, pleated top is machine washable and comes in three great colors in case this sweet floral print isn’t your thing.

If your office is skewing more casual these days, this top would pair beautifully with some dark denim. If you’re still in suits, wear it underneath a charcoal blazer.

The top is $44.50 at J.Crew Factory and comes in sizes XXS–3X.

P.S. To all veterans, thank you for your dedication and sacrifice.

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    I’m moving – just had movers come get big stuff yesterday. There are many piles of junk in corners. My landlord just told me they’re showing the place today. I will have 1 hour to try to make it more presentable. Help!? What is most important – clean bathrooms/kitchen? Vacuum? Get as much stuff out as I can? I won’t have time for everything but I can focus efforts in a couple places.

    • Anon

      It’s still your apartment. Do what you want to do. Your landlord is a jerk.

    • TheElms

      Superficial clean (so wipe kitchen/bath counters); tidy the piles into neat piles; and vacuum if you can. Its fine that it looks like you are moving out – you just don’t want it to look dirty.

    • anon

      I say get the stuff out. Put in trash bags, then put in closets or car. Swipe everything off kitchen counters into drawers or somewhere. Spray kitchen and bathroom surfaces.

    • Cat

      I mean… unless it’s stuff you’re worried about I’d leave it? It’s an apartment.

      • Anon

        I agree! It’s not your responsibility, and your landlord knows you’re moving out. If you feel better doing a superficial wipe, then fine. But I wouldn’t put myself out to do this.

    • Anon

      Honestly as a renter, it’s not your responsibility to make it more presentable. Moving is stressful enough, take care of what you need to take care of.

      FWIW, I lived in a rental that was being sold. After months of frequent showings during which I felt obligated to make the place presentable and vacate the apartment I told my landlord it was untenable (I worked 60 hours a week on Night Shift – my apartment was often untidy and showings were often when I was trying to sleep!). She told me I was under no obligation to do either of those things.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t worry about it. You don’t need to make it look nice, you would basically be donating free labour to your landlord *barf*.

    • Anon

      You’re moving. Anyone who views the apt will understand. Don’t worry about it.

    • Anon

      It’s not your responsibility. Do nothing except put away things you don’t want people to see.

    • Anonymous

      Lol so what? What do you care if they’re showing the apartment? It’s not like you’re selling the place and want a buyer ASAP. You have zero incentive to do anything to accommodate other than what is explicitly required in your lease, which is probably access. Continue with your move, they can work around you not the other way around.

  2. Trust Poster

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a trusts & estates lawyer in California, maybe LA area? Many thanks!

    • Anon

      Can you give some detail: single/married, kids/no kids, first marriage, blended family, dual citizenship?

    • Emma

      We worked with Brad Baker at Baker, Burton and Lundy (they are in Hermosa Beach) and were very happy with him.

    • Same same

      Following, as I’m looking for the same thing, though would prefer in or near San Francisco. Married, two kids, a condo. Essentially no separate property.

    • Anon

      MacCarley & Rosen in Glendale. I do the trust and estate accounting for them, and they do the lawyer stuff. They’re very good.

  3. Anonymous

    https://www.aritzia.com/us/en/product/the-slouch%E2%84%A2-coat/104725.html

    Help me pick a coat color. I’ve decided to buy the wool/cashmere Slouch coat from Aritzia. I wear a lot of black and black would definitely be the safest choice for me. But I’m also debating camel and taupe. I’m a cool-toned blonde and sometimes camel washes me out, but one of the reviews said it was more of a cool-toned camel than yellow-ish. My other wool coat is a black and white herringbone. I love it but it’s not very warm and sometimes the pattern clashes with what I’m wearing.

    • Anon

      FWIW, I have a black wool coat (actually nice) and a camel “wool” coat (Old Navy). I also wear a lot of black, but I find myself wearing the camel way, way more often (like 9 times out of 10). There’s just something about the look of a camel coat.

    • Runcible Spoon

      What a beautiful coat! Perhaps consider camel to mixi things up, but you can’t go wrong with either color. Enjoy!

    • emeralds

      Camel! It’s such a classic look. If you’re concerned about the camel washing you out, you can always throw a scarf on top so you have another color next to your face.

      • Anon

        I do too but I think it depends on whether OP is cool toned or warm toned. Cool toned me would buy the taupe, but my warm toned bestie would look amazing in the warmer camel shade.

  4. AIMS

    Anyone seen any good paper planners? Monthly, not weekly (can be both but I primarily use it to get a bird’s eye view of what I have going on in any given month). I feel like Goldilocks – everything is either too big (so not easily portable) or too small (won’t fit everything I need to write), too boring or too frivolous to use at work (I’d like to avoid any Live Laugh Love, etc. designs).

    • Anon

      I am also always struggling to find a useful planner. I live off of Google calendar, but need somewhere to jot other things down too, including random to-do lists on top of using the todoist app.

    • Cb

      Leuchhtturm monthly is really nice. I also like the Muji ones but they might be too small for you.

      • Anon

        I use the blank Lechturm with dot grid. Some days I use 1/2 a page, some days I use 3. I like the flexibility of a blank page.

    • anon

      Leuchtturm monthly. at-a-glance has a monthly and weekly/monthly, they have different sizes too.

    • Cat

      Leuchtturm monthly. at-a-glance has a monthly and weekly/monthly, they have different sizes too.

    • TL

      Ashley Shelly and Sprouted both do monthly planners, iirc. Oh, and Erin Condrens’s got some in a couple sizes. Most of the “planner people” use ones with weekly or daily spreads, and monthly only is less common, so you might want to check your local office supply store and/or bookstore as well. Online, you could look at Jetpens, Atlas Stationers, and Yoseka Stationery.

    • Anon

      I’m looking for this too and haven’t found one. Same use case, I just like to see the months all in one picture, the computer is for minutiae and daily scheduling.

    • Traveller

      I Love love love the Vision Planner from Bloom planners. 2024 will be the 6th year I use one.

    • anon

      The Simplified planner is good. Some of the designs are awfully girly, but there are more sedate options, too, if you’re worried about that. I don’t get the expensive hard bound edition. They are lovely, but it’s just a planner, yknow?I stick to the soft cover versions available at Target and Office Depot.

  5. Suede Skirt Blues

    I have a very old (like, 20 + years) black suede skirt in the back of my closet. It has a few spots on it where something got on it and I think I tried to wipe it off and the nap is a little worn (not bald, just a little faded). Is there anything I can do to revitalize it? I was thinking about trying to steam it and gently rub the whole thing with a cloth in hopes that would make it all sort of match. Any other suggestions? I realize it’s old, but I think it would actually look great with a top I have for an upcoming trip, and I’d hate to just throw it out.

    • Anon

      This is when I’d probably defer to a trusted dry cleaner for a recommendation! Skirt sounds great and I hope you can salvage it!

      Or, depending on how it looks, could you lean into it being “vintage” and roll with how it looks as is? Obviously, depends on how noticeable the spots are.

    • Anon

      Have you tried a shoe leather place, like the shoe hospital? They do all manner of leather and suede repairs. Or a dry cleaner.

    • Runcible Spoon

      Take it to a dry cleaner’s for a consultation? Take a clothing brush to it? As a last resort, consider filling in spots with a black magic marker/sharpie? (I realize that’s an unorthodox suggestion, but if you haven’t worn the skirt in several years, it’s 20 years old, and the spots are keeping you from wearing it . . .)

    • Anon

      Is that really relevant? Our lawyer charges a flat fee for all the standard documents regardless of whether you have $50k or $5M. I guess if you are mega wealthy then you might have to do additional paperwork to avoid estate tax, but most people are nowhere near that (isn’t it $26 million for a married couple?).

      • Anon

        I would focus on the type of assets in the estate. For example, it is more straightforward to deal with money invested in brokerage accounts than with ownership shares in a business

        • Anonymous

          Yes. And thus it affects who to refer. I know T&E lawyers who will not touch an estate smaller than $5mm, and whose rates are not justified below that. And I know some who don’t do estates that large.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, of course it does. There are some some fantastic T&E attorneys in LA who only take clients with estates of a certain size. It was unclear from the original inquiry whether the referral was for OP or for a client with complicated T&E issues.

        • Anon

          I hope no one is crowd surfing recommendations for a client on the internet. It’s one thing to ask other lawyers you know, but asking on a website for your client seems inappropriate.

        • Anon

          Nope, a very highly-regarded local attorney! I can certainly understand charging more for a complex estate situation, but our attorney has a flat fee for all the standard paperwork (will, trust, healthcare POA, etc.) and my understanding is that we’d pay the same regardless of the total value of the estate. I actually don’t even think our attorney knows the value of our estate, just what types of property we have and how we want it distributed.

  7. Anon

    Old Navy is having a good sale, so figured I’d ask – what are your favorite work jeans?

    I plan on starting a new job in January that allows jeans any day of the week – thus far I’ve only worked at places that never allow jeans (even on Fridays) so the world of work jeans is totally new to me! All of the jeans I currently own are not work-appropriate (ripped, frayed, light wash, tighter than I’d prefer for work) so I need a new pair or two.

    I’m 29, size 6, and a short pear. I prefer flared or straight leg styles. I’m pretty on-trend and like looking nice. I’m also a little confused on how to style jeans for the office (current work tops and shoes look weird with jeans, current weekend tops and shoes look too weekend-y with jeans? I think my eye still needs to adjust to jeans in the office!).

    • Clara

      My friend whose job has a similar dress code but two pairs of darker, no rip jeans from Old Navy that she calls her work jeans, so you’re on the right track. She wears them with “work tops” like you would wear anywhere, but doesn’t worry about keeping it super. formal.

    • Anon

      As someone who works in a casual office, I actually don’t wear jeans that often to work because I don’t think they’re super comfortable for sitting all day. That said, my favourite jeans right now are the Old Navy slim straight. They’re a bit more current than skinny jeans.

    • Jo March

      I used to love Old Navy jeans (and a lot of their workwear, pjs, and athletic wear), so I feel obligated to warn you that the quality is total crap now, even compared to a year ago.

      To answer your question, I prefer a darker wash fit & flare or wide leg/trouser style jean. It’s polished enough for work, but also something I like enough to wear outside of the office.

    • Anonymous

      I wear the Old Navy slim straight or bootcut every day in dark washes. Their high waisted flares are actually my favorites, but the pair I have are a lighter wash and read very casual, so I save them for weekends and the occasional Fridays. In a dark wash they might be ok for the office if styled right.

    • Anon

      I don’t usually wear jeans for work (not very comfortable, IMO), but I pulled out my old trouser jeans from around 2009 (from The Limited, sigh!) the other day, on the grounds that wide legs are back in style, and felt like they looked great!

  8. Anon

    Gift ideas please! I drew my sister in law for our family secret santa this year. She’s ~30, recently had a baby, is quite fashionable/on top of trends and has basically everything a person could want. Has to be a physical item and budget is $150. She likes clothes/accessories (expensive ones…) and working out. I do not want to get her a gc.

    Looking for that elusive, unicorn gift.

    While I’m at it, I also need a gift for my husband, mid 30s, also has basically everything you could want and a fashionable wardrobe.

    I wish I could just shop for my kids (which I actually enjoy) and be done with it!

    TIA!

    • Cat

      Lake PJs robe?

      For spouse, we really just get each other stocking stuffers and otherwise “gift” ourselves something big or joint – a trip, something for the home, etc. Any chance that would work for you two?

    • Anon

      Whatever you get, I’d get a gift receipt and tell SIL you think she is very fashionable and you want her to have something she likes so feel free to exchange. This takes the pressure off you finding a perfect item – buying clothes for other people is really difficult.

    • anon

      Maison Miru nap earrings for SIL. She probably won’t be wearing many earrings and she can just leave them in for weeks at a time.

    • Anonymous

      Merino yoga wrap?
      The sort of things with sleeves, waterfall effect, that can be a work-out keep warm item, and that can also be snuggled around a baby feeding at night?

    • OOO

      For DH, a watch. Fashionable men should have a collection of watches. Or a leather satchel/work bag briefcase.

      • AIMS

        I wouldn’t go with a watch unless you know what he likes exactly. People can be very particular about watches and the last thing I would want is a fashionable watch.

    • Anon

      As a ~30 year old who is somewhat trendy and likes working out (though I neither have a baby, nor do I have anything someone could want) here are some things that feel a little splurgey that I have my eye on:
      – Skincare fridge
      – Nice skincare (I’m a Ordinary gal, but Sunday Riley / Drunk Elephant / something along those lines could be fun)
      – Sherpa fleece bomber jacket
      – Silk PJs or robe
      – Any workout clothes from Lululemon, Athleta, or Alo
      – Gold huggie earrings. I have a silver pair, but want to upgrade to gold. I love the ones with a hinge clasp so I can wear them for days on end (which might be nice for a new mom; along that vein – nap earrings. I have a pair in my second hole that I have kept in for years, I love them).
      – A shiatsu foot massager. I don’t know why I’m so taken by them, but I am!
      – Leather gloves

      For your husband:
      – Ooni pizza oven
      – Solo stove
      – Record player
      – Nice liquor

      • Anon

        My husband is still annoyed/amused by the “gift” of a pizza oven for him, which is basically pizza for me and work for him

        • Anon

          My dad used to have a joke about a guy who asked his wife for a hunting rifle for Christmas, and he couldn’t wait for Christmas because he found out that she had bought it.

          His friend said, “nice! What are you getting her for Christmas?”

          He replied, “a box of ammo.”

    • anon

      Ideas for SIL:
      – A couple of the pricier Herbivore Botanicals bath products, plus a Byredo candle
      – Ann Mashburn faux-fur bucket bag
      – Eberjey nightshirt
      – Quail-feather earrings from Brackish.

      I would go experience gift for your husband. Hard to know what kind of experience without more info, but the men in my life have enjoyed things from a whole-hog butchery class to a custom hat-making experience to an afternoon of clay shooting. (We are southern, this is probably becoming obvious in these suggestions.)

    • Runcible Spoon

      A pair of huggie earrings that hopefully the baby won’t be tempted to grab and rip out. If you get her any clothing, make it machine washable, because baby.

    • NYCer

      La Ligne sweater, Lake pajamas, Lululemon or Alo leggings and shirt or sweatshirt, a classic pair of earrings.
      Whatever you decide, I would get a gift receipt and tell her you will not be offended if she exchanges it.

      • Anon

        I know people like Lake pajamas, but their pj patterns are basically the same patterns as my old Baby Be Mine maternity pajamas. The only difference in the ones I own are the snaps on the top for nursing on the Baby Be Mines. It’s totally ruined them for me!

        • Cat

          I’m totally with you on most of the patterns, plus I find the shape of the scoop neck to be matronly (somehow it’s both too high and too low at the same time?!), so I don’t buy the PJs themselves, but the robes come in simple stripes so I’m a fan!

    • AIMS

      I always go with a place that is easy to shop and exchange from. That said, I have had there most success in a similar situation with a nice cashmere wrap, which in her situation can be a bonus handy nursing cover/stroller blanket for the baby (as needed). Garnet Hill has a good one in loads of colors and they are currently having a 25% off sale which would out it right at around $150. Although not sure how returns would work. Nordstrom has one for $155, too, if that would be more convenient.

      • Anon

        I would love to receive something like that. Cashmere may not be the most practical thing around the new baby (lots of people are afraid to wash their cashmere) but it’s so pretty.

    • Iris Apfel

      You all are amazing gift-givers!
      OP – The Strategist has a bunch of their gift guides out. There’s a whole list of items under $200. But I think previous posters already have you covered!

    • Sunshine

      A percussive therapy device? Theragun gets all the press, but I think there are a lot of other brands that are less expensive.

    • Anon

      SIL ideas:
      – Dior Addict Beauty Ritual set ($85!). You could pair Dior Nail glow and this would be a perfect gift imo
      – Varley Vine pullover
      – A sweater from Sezane
      – Beyond Yoga boot cut yoga pants
      – LuLuLemon sherpa fanny pack
      – Hill House silk pillowcase

  9. Anon

    I am starting a new job Dec 4 and have about 1.5 weeks off (last day of work will be Tues before Thanksgiving). I know there have been threads about this before, but of course, I am having trouble finding them. I am looking for some suggestions on things to do with my time off.

    Relevant information: I’m late 20s and live alone, I am not able to travel with this time off, I will be spending Thanksgiving locally with family. Money is a little tight right now due to some unforeseen car repairs and medical bills (so I can’t splurge on a spa day, travel, or do anything else pricey – luckily the new job is a nice raise!). I will have Dec 26th off from the new job but otherwise will not have PTO to use for a while (new hires cannot take PTO in their 3 month probationary period at the new job).

    I moved ~8 months ago and still have some boxes to finally put away / some purging to do, and plan on spending one (and only one!) day doing that. I am finally coming out of a stressful medical and job related period, so will definitely spend a day on my couch binge reading or binge watching TV with favorite take out, but I don’t want to spend all of my time off doing that!

    I’ve lived in my city (Philly) pretty much my entire life, so there’s not much exploring I haven’t done at this point. Of course, I am willing to try something new, off the beaten path, or do something again, but I don’t necessarily feel the need to explore. My family does a big holiday day each year, so I want to wait and do Christmas-y things with them. I do plan on doing a few hikes that are just far enough out of the city that I don’t go very often.

    • Anon

      I have a two week holiday break from work. Before I had kids I mostly filled my time with reading, TV, baking and home cleaning/organizing. It was very restorative. I also think things like Christkindl markets and holiday lights displays are a lot of fun even if you’ve been before, and I love a good coffee shop + art museum day.

    • anon

      Take yourself on a field trip – go on a weekday, hit up a couple museums. Had a similar break and my favorite thing was just spending an entire day exploring a couple art galleries.

      • Iris Apfel

        +1. Going to art museums by myself is my favorite thing. And I always get a little treat at the museum cafe :)

    • Anonymous

      I have joined a yoga stodio and barre studio for the free week during staycations in the past.

    • Anon

      If it were me I’d spend way more than just a day relaxing and watching TV. You need to decompress.

    • Anon

      Why not take a day trip or a single overnight trip to NYC?

      I like to shop, have a nice meal, see a show (whatever is 1/2 price at TKTS) and call it a night. I do this by myself and it’s always fun.

      • Anonymous

        This. Take the train up. There is enough to see at this time of year that you don’t really even need to spend money except on food if you don’t want to.

    • Anon

      Sit at a quiet coffee shop with a latte and pastry in the morning. Take a long walk at a forest preserve. Go shopping and enjoy the empty stores. Treat yourself to lunch out with a glass of wine. Many restaurants have weekday lunch specials. Get a pedicure. Hit a nice grocery store then cook an elaborate dinner. If you want to veg on the couch make it an elevated experience. Wear a cozy robe, make a cup of tea, and watch a long movie you’ve been meaning to see. You can hit up TJ Maxx beforehand to get a pair of plush socks, a big mug, and a scented candle.

    • Runcible Spoon

      1. Museums! Sign up for a Spotlight Tour at the Barnes ($35) on Picasso during the week of November 27. Take a free self-guided tour of the U.S. Mint (reportedly only available during the week, so take advantage now!) I’m a sucker for house museums, so the Ryerss Museum. On the first Sunday of December, take advantage of free admission to the Philadelphia Museum of Art and the Barnes.
      2. Discount Massage — at a school of massage student clinic
      3. Spend a day cooking or baking something fancy, elaborate, and time consuming that you otherwise wouldn’t have a stretch of time to do.
      Enjoy your time off!

    • Anon

      I would spend the time necessary to really get my place in order and I’d decorate the heck out of it for the holidays. That’s at least a couple of days. I’d get a friend to go with me to a fancy hotel tea – I know you said your family does stuff but it’s pretty great to do your own traditions too. I’d find a relatively inexpensive way to get a massage, since you’re in Philly, I’m guessing there’s less expensive options. I’d do a create my own wellness retreat day by starting with a green juice and yoga class somewhere followed by the massage. And I’d spend a few days just curled up by the fire.

    • Anonymous

      If you enjoy cooking/baking, since you have some time off before Thanksgiving and are celebrating locally, can you offer to do some of the pre-Thanksgiving tasks (baking desserts or rolls, etc?). (If you don’t enjoy cooking/baking, ignore this recommendation!)

    • A.

      Love stuff like this. Put some great books on hold at your library so they’re ready for pickup. Find a one-day give back or volunteer opportunity. Make some freezer meals. Call up a friend or older family member you haven’t seen in awhile and arrange a visit. Take a nap every day!

    • Anon

      If you’re already planning on hiking in the suburbs, especially near Valley Forge, stop at the Wharton Esherick museum! It requires a tour reservation but it’s a national historic landmark for architecture and contains a lot of his work (sculpture/furniture/woodworking). Total hidden gem. It’s on the Horseshoe Trail, a connector from VF Park to the Appalachian Trail. They sell trail maps at the gift shop.

    • antsgomarching

      Winterthur currently has a large Ann Lowe exhibition. She is the woman who designed Jackie O’s wedding gown, but is essentially unheralded because she was African American. A day trip to see it might be interesting.

  10. Anon

    For companies like Got Junk, what do they really do and when have you used them? IDK if you need to pre-purge (maybe things like furniture and pots/pans dishes should be donated?) or throw out actual garbage and junk or not, or if they will tackle a full house (dealing with used mattresses, 1000s of books, clothes of elderly people that are likely worn or not of interest to many thrift shops). Also, I’m guessing you empty the fridge and cabinets of food to avoid critters or will they really do it all?

    What about garages with 1) snowblowers, yard tractors, wood chippers, 2) lots of chainsaws, 3) lots of tools; all of which are surrounded by junk, old paint containers, and every old piece of technology going back to Brother electric typerwriters (with boxes and extra ribbon cartridges and disks and diskettes)? Anything special to do there where there may be some environmental issues (this is for NJ, where they seem pretty strict and don’t have local trash service for many items except for contracted private pickup but that is limited by a local bear population that tends to raid any trashcans that have ever had food waste in them).

    Context for me is long-distance elderly relative who may not pull through the weekend. I can fly out for a week, but can’t take off weeks to deal with the house. We knew this was coming but didn’t want to ruin a last year with nagging about stuff no one wants.

    • Anon

      My mother in NJ sold her house to a builder, who cleaned out literally everything she left behind after her downsizing move. The refrigerator was on and full of food, etc. If you think the house is in any way a teardown, you might want to consider saving yourself the work. I only say teardown because in NJ I see many perfectly functional houses torn down every day and people building new. (see yesterday’s thread)

      • Anon

        Good to know — in my current city, my house is likely a teardown but in this part of NJ, it’s too far away from NYC to likely be a tear-down (which, I agree, would be much easier to deal with).

    • anon

      Short answer, they will do whatever you pay for. How much money do you want to throw at the problem? There are people in most cities that specialize in managing these types of clean outs on top of the haul away crew for Got Junk. I’d look in the directory of the National Association of Professional Organizers and reach out to see availability quotes.

    • Of Counsel

      They one we used would take anything not illegal or dangerous (e.g. guns, drugs). But the more stuff, the more they charge. And they charge especially more for anything that is a hazardous waste (chemicals, paint, etc.) so it might be worth dealing with that yourself depending on where you live and the disposal procedures.

      When we did this for my grandmother, we had a plan. We took shelf stable food to the food pantry and threw away anything opened/perishable. The executor (my Dad) went through and got all of the papers in case he needed them. Then things my grandmother had specified she wanted to go to particular people were offered to them. Then members of the immediate family took turns going through and picking out what they wanted. (We drank her excellent wine during this process, ate pizza and cried/laughed quite a lot.) At that point, we basically opened it up to anyone she knew who wanted anything (a LOT of her household goods went to her housekeeper or to her church group for their immigrant ministry). Then we turned it over to the junk people. Based on how they loaded, there were definitely things they thought they could use/sell and things destined for the landfill. The latter was more than I liked and if we had infinite time we probably could have found homes for them. But we did not have infinite time!

      It is worth asking around for recommendations for services. We found a huge difference in price and service between some of the big national brands and the smaller, local one (recommended by her housekeeper) that we ended up using.

      I am sorry you are going through this!

        • Of Counsel

          It depends on whether they are taking everything. If it is not a complete clean out, someone needs to be on site or you have to trust they will recognize/respect your direction. We were not there for the whole thing (too depressing) but by the time we the junk haulers came there was literally nothing in the house we wanted to keep.

        • Anon

          I think I would plan to be on-site every day. An open house with no obvious owner is just an invitation for trouble – an “attractive nuisance” or something along those lines.

          We left my mom’s house uninhabited and drug addicted squatters broke in easily and then we had to deal with getting them out.

    • joan wilder

      We hired someone to oversee the whole process for us. We did the initial over a few days and then the organizer did the rest, overseeing shipping items that were being kept, and hauling away, serving as liason to donate, consign and junk. If you are in the Boston area, they did a great job. You can find someone who specializes in this if yoi look at services focused on moving seniors into assisred living. This is how we found the woman we used.

    • Anon

      They will take anything! They said they recycle the electronics, I don’t know if they actually do, but I just wanted everything gone so I didn’t care.

    • Anon

      It’s a bit area dependent, but I get a lot of mileage on putting stuff for free on FB Marketplace. So, haul everything you don’t want out to the front yard, take some pictures, post it on FB Marketplace as first come first served, no holds. Things just disappear. Toss anything that doesn’t into a dumpster/let junk people handle it.

    • Anon

      There’s two kinds of companies for your situation, you can hire someone to clear out and sort the place out if there are things you want to keep. They come in a lot of flavors, but the most cost effective are ones that do estate sales as most of their fees come out of that. 800 junk just picks up and tosses whatever you don’t want. They don’t sort, it’s basically two people with a dumpster. They’re amazing and they recycle but you have to be there to show them what you want to toss. They charge by weight and it can get expensive fast. In your shoes, I’d start with the estate company, have them get rid of as much as they can and then if there’s anything in the ends that’s where 800 junk comes in.

    • Senior Attorney

      There are people you can hire to oversee the process, too. I did this when I moved my parents out of their condo and it was relly helpful.

    • Anon

      You want an estate liquidator. They will remove literally everything and sell/donate what they can, hopefully reducing the amount that goes to landfill. They will pay you the (low) estimated value of everything in the house, so they have an incentive to re-home as much as they can. We recently did this with a relative’s house in another state. We flew down and spent 2 days making sure we found everything we wanted to keep, put all of it in one area of the house, and the liquidator will ship that to us and take the rest. No need for us to sort anything else or make any decisions such as what’s trash and what might be sold or donated. This made the whole task so much easier.

  11. Anon

    Help me plan my book club menu! I’m thinking a butternut squash/caramelized onion tart, a green salad, and… what else? Mini caprese sandwiches? A winter fruit salad? Mac and cheese? We usually serve heavy apps that are essentially a meal.

    Also, what would you serve to drink? Maybe a cider that can be spiked if people want?

    • Anon

      The tart is a great idea. I make Ottoleghni’s potato tarte tatin fairly often for this sort of thing as well, if you are looking for future ideas or a second option. Fritattas are also a good way to serve a crowd and use up stuff in the fridge at the same time.
      If it’s cold where you live, a pot of soup and bread is a great option, since it can be made ahead of time and heated up the day of.

    • Anon

      so nice:) I want to join your book club! Love the choices you mention…it is fall so I am thinking cozy/warm…I would add a savory soup that can stay warm in a crockpot…l like a chili…red or white, or a minestrone with meatballs, or a chowder type. I also love a cold cocktail- apple cider with Maker’s Mark bourbon and squeeze of lemon or hot apple cider in a crockpot served with or without Myer’s Dark rum.

    • AIMS

      Cider is good. Mulled wine is also fun (and a non-alcoholic option).
      I would not do capers sandwiches which seem summery to me. Maybe goat cheese crostini with a balsamic vinegar glaze if you want to stay in that sandwich area? Winter fruit salad is always nice. Could also do an olive tapenade and nice crackers.

      • Senior Attorney

        Mini-meatballs in the crockpot with grape jelly and chili sauce (you can google it) is easy and people love it.

    • Anon

      The butternut squash tart and salad sound great. In addition to that: Mini phyllo cups from the freezer section, filled with brie and craisins. Pulled pork pizza with maple leeks (the How Sweet Eats recipe). Instead of mac and cheese what about baked pumpkin pasta?

      For drinks serve tea with honey, lemon, cinnamon sticks, and whiskey on the side so people can make hot toddies.

    • Runcible Spoon

      How about some ham and cheese sliders (party/funeral sandwiches) or deviled eggs for finger-friendly protein? Or just a baked salmon filet is super simple and usually a crowd pleaser. Maybe a shrimp salad? Enjoy!

  12. Anon

    Paging frequent flyers! What are your favorite outfits for long flights when you want to look pulled together? I have a long flight with executives who I want to impress, and I’ll be going to a colder climate. I don’t travel much and don’t want it to show. I’ll also take packing or general plane travel tips to make the trip more smooth.

    • Anon

      Start with the shoes. I like a sneaker type sole that can slip off. Compression knee highs. Eileen Fisher or other stretchy pants with an elastic waist but that look a step above leggings or sweats. Knit separates on top, so a shell and a cardigan, or if you’re bringing a blazer, wear that over a crewneck pullover sweater – airplanes are always cold! Then a pashmina or some other kind of wrap you can wear as a scarf of shawl.

    • Anonymous

      I find it so hard to strike the right balance of professional and not horribly uncomfortable for travel. Most men wear suits. Idk how they do it, are suits actually comfortable for men? I do professional looking pants with an electric waistband, like Eileen Fischer or MM La Fleur. Someone here posted about the endless pant from Athleta and I’m interested in trying it. I usually wear a black cotton r shirt under a black blazer.

      Don’t my like my associate and bring a giant bag to check for a one week trip. Avoid checking a bag at all, pay for an earlier boarding group if you must.

      • Anon

        I was thinking that Athleta pant would specifically be good for travel. I also currently wear Eileen Fisher pants for travel.

      • Anonymous

        An entire week out of a carryon? No way. I think checking is excusable in that case. Better to look professional during the trip than to try to navigate the sorts of fabrics and rolling and shoe limitations that it would take to pull off, especially since they are going somewhere with a cold climate.

        • Anon

          I do an entire work week in a carry on all the time. Like, regularly. Even two weeks if I’m willing to do sink laundry. You just have to be disciplined about packing and bring things that go together.

    • PJ

      Slim comfortable black pants, long sleeve shirt or sweater, plus blazer (save space and look crisp getting on and off plane. For a colder clime, wear your boots on the plane to save space. Don’t check a bag unless you know the higher ups are – you don’t want them to have to wait on you at baggage claim.
      Don’t wear much eye makeup bc it will get smudged if you sleep. Just apply when you get off plane and go to the bathroom.

    • Of Counsel

      It partially depends on what you mean by long flight. What I pack/wear/do is different if the flight is 8+ hours or 4. Personally I need to wear compression socks and that means outfits that show my ankles do not work. For any flight unless it is hot where I am going, I wear a pair of wider leg black pants in a fabric that is comfortable but looks professional and does not wrinkle, black compression socks and my black and white Adidas or black ankle boots (location, weather and what I will need once I get there dependent; the boots are waterproof). Toppers depend on how long the flight is. For 4-5 hours (so California to east coast), I usually wear a nicer t-shirt or cotton turtleneck sweater and either a jacket or longer cardigan. (For overnight/international it is always a cardigan and I add a scarf that I can use as a blanket.) If I need a long coat I wear it on the plane and then fold it and put it on top of my carry-on in the bin. No jewelry except my watch and earrings.

      I won’t win fashion awards but I look pulled together

      If you don’t fly a lot, you probably don’t have pre-check. In that case wear shoes you can slip off and on for the plane (be sure you are wearing socks) and read up on the TSA rules. Be sure your liquids comply and are easily taken in and out of your bag. Your executives are a lot more likely to judge you holding up the line and being disorganized or unprepared than what you are wearing. Bring noise cancelling headphones or your ear buds. Have your tissues, hand lotion and chapstick in your carry on (move the lotion out of your liquids bag once you are through security) since you might need those for the flight. Drink a lot of water (either buy a bottle when you get through security or bring your own bottle and fill it in the terminal; the latter is a sign of an experienced traveller.). Book an aisle seat if you are likely to need to get up more than once or a window if you will need to sleep.

      I hope you have a good trip!

    • Anon

      An all black outfit looks sharp even if you’re wearing glorified pajamas. Black wide leg pants, fitted black sweater in a non-stinky fabric, low heeled black booties. Comfortable earrings and necklace. A sleek wool coat instead of a puffer. Zipper top tote for your personal item.

      Stay organized. If you need to unload half your bag to find your ID it looks sloppy. Keep your wallet, charger, headphones, and other essential items at the top of your bag (but not in a compartment than can be easily pickpocketed). Record your flight information, hotel details, and destination office address in your phone. Before you depart make a list of restaurants near the office and hotel. When you’re tired and hangry you won’t be in the mood to scour yelp. Set a reminder to check in for your return flight- it’s surprisingly easy to forget.

    • Runcible Spoon

      One tip is don’t try to get seats next to or near the executives during the flight (unless they ask you to do so as you’ll be working, or unless that’s the culture). You’ll be spending enough time together with them at your destination, and nobody needs to be next to a co-worker during the entirety of a long-haul flight.

      For general plane travel tips, get an aisle seat, wear comfy knits, bring an extra top (in case you spill on yourself during one of the meals), a neck pillow is a must along with noise-canceling headphones, and one way to pass the time for a super long-haul flight is to pick a TV series from the in-flight entertainment offerings and binge watch it. Wear your winter coat and boots on the flight to save luggage space.

      For packing tips, don’t forget chargers, and if you are traveling internationally, adapters. An easy world-wide work-appropriate “uniform” is synthetic knit faux wrap dresses with 3/4 sleeves with a jardigan on top — they can be balled up and scrunched into the corder of your carryon and will be presentable in modesty-conscious foreign countries. You might need to order a full slip off Amazon to wear underneath. Pac clothes for hanging around in the hotel room — sweats/leggings, a slim pair of flip flops. Pack a clothes pin for the hotel curtains. Don’t forget gifs of swag or American candies, as needed. Pack a foldable tote bag that is presentable in a work setting, for anything extra you might need to bring to meetings

      Good luck!

      • anon

        Oh god no – don’t bring a neck pillow. There is no surer sign that someone is an amateur traveler than having one (or more!) neck pillows clasped around the handle of their bag.

        But the other advice is good. Don’t sit near your colleagues and grab an aisle seat if you can. Bring fully-charged noise-canceling headphones and flip flops shoved down the front pocket of your roller bag. Wear the coat onto the plane then take it off. Being sweaty or smelly or linty is the most unprofessional thing you can be. To that end, don’t overeat and don’t eat foods with strong odors. Looking like a professional while traveling is as much about being polished, confident, and comfortable than anything else.

        • Anon

          Weird advice on the neck pillow. I travel internationally 2-3 times a year and bring a neck pillow on every trip. It’s the only way I can sleep on an overnight flight. Yeah, don’t bring it on a domestic trip but if it’s a long haul, that would need read as weird to me at all.

        • Runcible Spoon

          Meant to say, bring a squishable/compact neck pillow that you can suff into your carryon and only bring out during the flight. This is for long-haul flight travel, and the teeny faux pillows the airlines provide won’t cut it (other than for lumbar support). But yes, no brightly-colored neck pillow around the handle of your bag.

        • Runcible Spoon

          The Cabaeau brand compactable neck pillow can be a god-send, and can be concealed in your cabin bag.

      • Anon

        I had peer coworker change seats to sit next to me – so he was in the middle and I was in the window, and neither of us were petite so we were very close together, like thighs touching and he was encroaching into my space…. Just no. Leave me alone for a 5 hour flight please, we didn’t even talk that much business. We’re both one step from the C suite so you’d think he’d have learned by now. (Company only paid for business class for international travel)

    • Anon

      All black base layer. Wear sneakers or boots, whatever your heaviest shoe will be that’s comfortable. Layer, I prefer a cashmere wrap. Don’t sit with the execs so you can do your own things. As an exec, I travel in polished athleisure, so I’d be wearing that under a heavier coat with sneakers. I’m also not thinking about what anyone else is wearing on the plane ;) I also try not to fly with others from work if I can avoid it.

      • Anokha

        I used to ask my admin where the others were travelling so I didn’t have to sit next to them!!

  13. Anon

    Thanks to everyone who helped me with my admittedly reluctant Amazon wish list (for family gifting) yesterday. Here it is in its crowd-sourced glory for anyone who missed me posting it last night, or in case anyone else finds this useful this morning.

    1) a made in Ukraine wool throw (brand Cozy Blankets)
    2) Nonni’s biscotti
    3) a trio of houseplants from Costa Farms
    4) a flat bottom coffee mug and warmer (brand Vobaga)
    5) a cookbook called “Chai, Chaat & Chutney” by Chetna Makan
    6) dark chocolate covered apricots from B&R farms
    7) Pendleton texting gloves
    8) Laneige holiday hydration lip mask set
    9) A needlepoint pillow kit & matching backing (brand Brvsk)
    10) a Nest grapefruit candle
    11) a set of face cloth washcloths
    12) the recommended amazon kitchen towels
    13) tea from Mariage Feres
    14) three books about perfume and one about botany
    15) Biore UV aqua SPF

    I’d really be happy with any of these and not feel wasteful, so huge win. Thanks again!

  14. Anonymous

    What are your favorite holiday weekends to get away? My Dh and I used to go away this weekend b/c he has Veterans Day off but our kids never do, so if my parents are watching them they don’t have to do too much. we usually go somewhere local for Memorial Day, with kids (3 hour drive or so). Most of the other holidays we just visit family.

    • Anonymous

      We usually take our vacations the week before memorial day or labor day weekend so we can tack on the extra day. I don’t usually go anywhere just for a 3 day weekend.

    • Anon

      My parents have a lake house so I spend Memorial, Juneteenth, Labor Day, and Indigenous People’s there (unless I have a wedding…). I’m in a very fortunate position in that I get to spend a lot of time at their house in the summer so to me it doesn’t really feel like going “away”. The house is usually open from late April to Indigenous Peoples’ weekend.

      My family (immediate and extended; both sides) is all local to the same city so I am also fortunate that I don’t have to travel for holidays. For Thanksgiving and Christmas, I usually spend a night or two at my parents’ house (as do my siblings), but I could just come out for dinner if I wanted to.

      A friend’s birthday is July 2, so traditionally a group of us goes to her inlaws’ beach house for the weekend of July 4.

      I don’t typically do much for MLK, Presidents, or Veterans Days. I might take a train to NYC or DC to visit a friend those weekends, but I’m just as likely to do it on another weekend. Otherwise, my plans typically include getting out in nature somewhere that’s nearby but farther away than typical (1-2 hour drive to go trail running) or running errands while it’s not crowded (since these are holidays not everyone has off). I do avoid skiing on MLK / Presidents weekends because it gets too crowded.

      Late 20s, single / child free / pet free government employee so I have lots of holidays and not many obligations!

    • Sunshine

      Thanksgiving in any part of the world other than the US because it’s not a holiday anywhere else and the weather is often great at that time of the year in a lot of places. No school-age kids so more flexibility to do this.

      • Runcible Spoon

        +1, YES! When I lived overseas for period of time, I once traveled to India over Thanksgiving for a targeted visit Agra, and another time I traveled to Barcelona (and attended a Thanksgiving dinner that happened to be at the hotel I was staying at, sponsored by an overseas Americans group, along with some US citizen expat spouses of Spanish nationals). Fewer crowds and lines to the local attractions.

      • Anonymous

        Yes and although domestic air travel is horrible around Thanksgiving, I’ve found the international terminal is fine. Busier than normal but not the hellscape that is the rest of the airport. I will fly to Europe over Thanksgiving, I will not fly to see family members that live a 2 hour flight away. Come to Paris or I’ll see you at Christmas.

    • Anon

      We normally book our summer vacations to coincide with Memorial Day and July 4th so we can save a couple days of PTO (we don’t get Juneteenth).

      My husband and I don’t have a lot of the minor holiday – no Columbus Day, Veteran’s Day or President’s Day. Sometimes we will go to my in-laws for Labor Day. We host Thanksgiving with both sides of the family invited and we rarely travel at MLK because we’ve usually just traveled for winter break.

  15. Anonymous

    People who like crafts: what do you do with all the stuff you create? I’ve been enjoying paint by numbers over the past year or so and now I have like 5 canvasses that I have no idea what to do with. Plus my wine and paint canvases. What should I do with them?

    • Anon

      Toss or donate unless you can incorporate them into your decor.

      I have bins of hand knits stored away, mostly self-designed sweaters. My size has changed over the years so the ones from 15+ years ago don’t fit, but they fit my college aged daughter now. The more recently knit items I actually wear when it’s cold. (I don’t enjoy knitting with cotton yarn so I have very few warm weather handknits)

    • Cora

      I do a lot of jigsaw puzzles, which is not exactly the same since they’re meant to be taken apart. I keep a few to tape together and hang up if they really fit the theme but if not ya just got to throw them away.

    • Anon

      Honestly, take a photo and toss them. I’m a crafter and dabble in drawing. I tossed a bunch of art pieces I made a few months ago that have just been in storage.

      Some of it was nice but not what I’m interested in displaying in my home at this point. I took photos and sent some of them to my bff for us to laugh over the really old stuff (ah, highschool) and uploaded some to my cloud storage. The physical object went into the bin.

      You could reuse the canvases if you want to keep painting – some white gesso over the top can cover most of the old work and you can reuse for other things or playing around when the mood strikes.

      Right now my main crafts are projects I intend to keep, display and use – crochet and knitting wearables, and making books.

  16. Lily

    This is an admittedly ridiculous question but here goes: what makes Christmas lights on a house tasteful/elegant and impressive vs. sad and tacky? I’m trying to put my finger on what wows me about Christmas lights. Last year we did minimal lights (we wrapped the trunks of two small trees and had pre-lit garlands wrapped around the banister going up to our front door). It didn’t make a huge impact, but we did other things like real greenery all along our front fence, and a wreath/red bow on each of our front windows. They looked nice, but would love to do more lights this year. For some reason I’m intimidated by it. I’m open to hiring a company to do this, but I’m not feeling inspired by any of the local companies’ instagram accounts.

    Maybe the answer is to start small this year and build on it in future years. How do you feel about putting lights along the roofline? Any other must haves you like to do?

    • Anonymous

      What makes Christmas decor classy or tacky is just how much you feel like being judgy!

      If you want more of an impact, icicle lights along the fence might be nice, lights on shrubs is fairly easy, and electric candles in the windows is always pretty.

      • Anon

        I concur!

        Add lights until you don’t like it anymore then take one strand away :)

    • Cat

      density, simplicity, & consistency, IMHO. Wrapping more of your trees or more branches in the same way, etc.

      Where it veers into tacky is lights that are some flashing some not, lots of different colors (all one, great, all multi-color, great, but a patchwork looks messy), those awful square nets that just look like someone dropped a napkin on the hedge, etc.

      • Anon

        Density is more important than most people realize. Don’t put lights more places. Put more lights in the same place.

      • Sunshine

        +1000. Pick one color or two max. And then focus on a few areas. Too many colors or too many different types (blinking v not, large old fashioned looking bulbs v smaller newer bulbs, the old yellower color of white v the newer white white), and too many surfaces is where I think everything becomes overwhelming and gets into the tacky range.

    • Anon

      I think it somewhat depends on your neighborhood…we live on a country road so it is less formal but we don’t have sidewalks or street lights so more light is better! We do colored lights on the shrubs, around the door and gasp!
      red and green bulbs on candlelights in the windows. It is brigh, cheery, tasteful and elegant and we get lots of compliments.

    • Anonymous

      I think a whole lot of white lights outlining the shape of the house and wrapped closely around trees looks impressive and classy. If you want colored lights, use a single color in each section/on each tree. A lot of lights close together is the key.

      • Anonymous

        I read this and thought you were going to say tacky!! I think it’s in the eye of the beholder, good advice on the consistency and density.

        However the best lights I ever saw were flashing multicoloured with blow ups and laser lights, and a sign in the garden with a radio station you could tune in to. My kids still remember it years later. It looked tacky in daytime but gorgeous once it was dark.

    • Anon

      They’re classy if they follow the natural lines of your house and trees. Lights that wrap around a tree trunk and outline the branches are nice. Lights tossed on top of a bush or randomly woven into tree branches are sloppy. Blinking lights look tacky IMO, unless they’re icicle lights that twinkle.

    • Anon

      Tacky at Christmas is awesome. The tackier the better! The best light displays are huge, evolved organically over many years, aren’t perfect and clearly a labor of love. Those are the ones I take friends to go see.
      It’s easy to tell which ones are the ones where the owner’s only input was writing a check and those may have lots of lights but are so boring.
      If you’re asking for you, buy what you can afford and add to it each year until you run out of space, planes start using your house for visual approach or the electric company calls wanting to run a 2nd line. Buy end of season’s leftovers so you get more bang for your buck. In a world of sterile, professional displays, we need more Clark Griswold.

    • Anon

      I think inflatables or a non-cohesive look is tacky. I love lights (though as an apartment dweller can’t do any outdoor decorations), so I don’t think that there can be too many lights just too many types of lights. I think the classiest look is white lights / green garland / red bows along trees, door frames, window boxes, fences, etc. I also love the electric candles in the windows look. I like multicolored lights so long as they’re consistent. I can’t tell you why, but I don’t love red, white, and green lights. I hate uplighting the house too, to me that looks too showy.

      I do not care for the laser light in the yard that projects up on the house. I do not care for any inflatable, but I’m okay with some yard decor (I do like the white light deer, for example). Any haphazard lighting looks sloppy.

      Really, if you stick to white lights and outline your house (or at least front door area) and trees I think you’ll be fine.

    • No Problem

      You’re not going to like this opinion, but I think the vast, vast majority of Xmas lights and displays are tacky. There are a few things I’ve seen over the years that are mildly pretty/almost acceptable:
      -Light up stars/snowflakes hung from a giant tree so it looks like floating stars at night (must be all white)
      -Simple string lights outlining the roof/porch columns/porch railings (must be all white), with or without garland
      -Candle shaped lights in windows
      -Lights strung up or designed to make a shape or winter-themed animal outline (like lights strung to look like the outline of an Xmas tree, or a reindeer or polar bear outline made of lights)

      Things that are always tacky no matter how you do them:
      -Anything with flashing lights
      -Anything inflatable or motorized
      -Too few lights (e.g., doesn’t go entire length of roof line, lights burned out)
      -Light “nets” thrown over bushes

      Things that are nearly always tacky but could theoretically be not tacky if done extremely well:
      -Multi colored lights
      -Nativity displays (yup, I said it; most look like cheap plastic even from the street)
      -Lights wrapped around trees (most are done badly and all I can think of is the tree looking like it’s being strangled; for the love of god do not leave these up all year like I see in some shopping centers)
      -Lights that looks like icicles (these were cool when they first came out 20 or 30 years ago, now they just remind me of an ugly valance above grandma’s kitchen sink)

      This isn’t to say that I don’t sometimes enjoy tacky displays. They can be funny in a “wow, they really went all out” kind of way, or just amusing to look at and think of how much money someone spent on all that and where on earth they store it all. But very few displays are actually elegant or pretty.

    • Anonymous

      I mean it’s all tacky if you ask me. Is a blow up Santa worse than a plactic one? Are flashing lights tackier than solid ones? It’s in eye of the beholder.

    • Anonymous

      Definitely check Pinterest for this – it’s great for helping you identify what you like. Concur on it being about massing lights vs a few spare ones here and there.

      Re: net lights, I will say that if you zhush them as you drape them, rather than laying them out flat, they can look very nice.

  17. Anonymous

    Does anyone else have this issue: around this time of year DH stays up significantly later than I do to watch sportsball. I’m happy to turn in early to take a long shower or bedtime yoga or read or whatever before bed, I enjoy this time to myself. I’ll say goodnight then go to our bedroom to wind down. But DH will pop into the bedroom periodically just to… say hi? See what I’m doing? Then he goes back to his sportsball. Sometimes I’m asleep or trying to fall asleep and this wakes me up. Even if I’m not asleep, it makes it hard to relax when he’s unexpectedly popping in and out of the room for no reason. It’s his bedroom too, I don’t feel like I can tell him not to come in, but like… either come to bed or stay out there, don’t interrupt quiet/sleepy time just for the sake of interrupting (repeatedly!). He did this last night and woke me up, and then woke me up again when he came to bed; this morning I asked him why he did that and he said he thought he heard me moving wires and cords around (???) which I wasn’t but if I was he definitely couldn’t hear it from where he was in the house. He apologized for waking me up, but I’m not sure how to get through to him that I’d really prefer if he didn’t interrupt wind down time for no reason. Or maybe I’m off base entirely?

    • Anonymous

      What’s your best guess for why he’s doing this, based on what you know about his personality and relational style?

      Is he an extrovert who feels better if he’s with “his people” in the same room? Does he feel strange sitting and watching sports by himself? Is he making a bid for connection — the way a talkative person feels weird not talking to someone and keeps chattering, in a bid to make a connection?

      • OP

        At first I thought it was what the commenter below said – he wants to make sure I don’t feel neglected. And I understood the first few times and reassured him that I enjoy the extra wind down time to do my own thing. Today when I asked him why he keeps popping in he didn’t really have an answer. Like ok you thought I was up but you know I was winding down so if you’re not ready for bed then why are you coming in? I’ve talked to him about sleep hygiene and the importance of winding down but he’s never had sleep issues so I don’t think he really gets it.

    • nuqotw

      You are not off base but my guess is he’s probably checking on you because he loves you and doesn’t want you to feel neglected. Just tell him you are going to sleep and to please let you do so.

      • Cat

        +1, this is my guess as well, like it’s an ad break and he wants to be companionable. Something like “you’re so sweet to want to check on me, but I’m really in sleepy mode and want to drift off quietly – could you stay in the living room after X time until you’re ready for sleep too?”

    • Anonymous

      “Babe we need to talk. I don’t mind you staying up later than me, but when I say good night and go to bed I’m done for the night. Stop coming in to say hi, all it does is either wake me up or make it harder to fall asleep.”

    • Nina

      Aww my family would do that. It’s just a way for each of you to do your own thing but stay connected. Like my dad used to wander into my room when I was a teenager, literally just say hi, and leave. But if its keeping you awake tell him he doesn’t need to do that and you’d prefer peace and calm to go to sleep.

  18. Anon

    Does anyone have a recommendation for an insulated water bottle that has a pull top lid and doesn’t spill? I have a hydroflask, which works great for keeping water cold. But water will spill out of the pull top lid if it is on its side/upside down

    • No Problem

      It doesn’t have a pull top lid, but I have a metal insulated water bottle from Ikea that has a push button in the lid. Push down to open, push again to close it. Had it for several years and it has never spilled when closed.

  19. Clara

    What’s a nice way to say this in a performance review? “When I ask you to do something slightly different than normal, whether its a new technique or more documentation, your first response can’t always be no.”

    • Senior Attorney

      “I’ve noticed that when I ask you to do something slightly different than normal, whether it’s a new technique or more documentation, your first response tends to be ‘no.’ As one of your goals for the year I’d like you to work on overcoming that initial response and be open to new and unusual requests.”

    • Clara

      The other part of it is I would prefer it if she suggested an alternative solution instead of just saying no. I’ve given her this feedback before, usually in the moment, so it’s not a surprise.

      • Runcible Spoon

        “Our goal here is to get to yes, as often as possible, so when you feel you have a valid objection or have encountered an obstacle to doing something slightly different than normal, I’d like you to please take the initiative to come up with a suggested way forward with an alternative solution (other than just reverting back to the usual procedure).”

    • Anon

      I would frame it as working on being “solutions-oriented.” You could frame it as “I know that you’re not always going to agree with requests, and I value your input. But when you respond with “no” it doesn’t help to meet xyz needs. Instead of responding with an immediate “no” when something sounds new or different, can you be more collaborative and help us work toward more effective solutions instead?” That wording isn’t perfect but hopefully you get where I’m going.

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