Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Dapiepa Three Quarter Sleeve Sheath Dress

198 Comments

1. I don’t see this topic directly addressed in the archives, so I’ll ask the hive. What should I wear to present at a conference? It’s my company’s big yearly conference with 5,000+ attendees in total. My presentation will be to a smaller group of maybe 20-50 people and will last 20 minutes. Any advice on what to wear? I’m thinking of the J.Crew Interview Dress in blue and a gray flannel blazer (from Talbot’s). Still trying to decide on shoes. Thoughts? I can also do a suit.

   1. Definitely a suit. I always wear a suit to present at conferences, or even to attend conferences. Obviously it can vary a bit, so unless you work for a law firm, I don’t think suits are necessary for mere attendance. But for a presentation, a suit is a must. If you don’t want to be suited up all day, I’d wear a dress in suiting material with the coordinating jacket. This way, you have a jacket for your presentation but when you remove it, you still look put together.

      1. Even if you do work in a law firm, suits are not always necessary for attendance – at my Big Law firm’s annual retreat/conference most people don’t wear suits and the J. Crew Interview dress and a flannel blazer would be on the dressier side. I agree that it’s pretty much impossible to be overdressed for a presentation though, and you should wear a suit, but maybe a fun, slightly less formal one if you have one.

      2. I agree that a nice suit — I recomend Calvin Klein — is your best bet. When I presented at the last CLE with the manageing partner, that is what I wore, and alot of peeople — guys and women — BOTH came up to talk to me afterward. I think that when you dress well, you look smarter, and when you look smarter, peeople will think you are smarter. That is what my Dad told me and I believe him b/c he worked as a profesor as well as for the goverment behind the IRON curtan, so he has seen most everything. YAY!!!

   2. I generally go with a brighter colored dress or blazer especially if I’m presenting in a room with a dark background or with bright overhead lights. The background where we usually hold our conferences are either black or grey, so a brighter color helps me stand out and keep attention on me during the session. It also makes me easier to identify in large crowds by those who need to speak with me.

      1. +1 — definitely wear a jacket, but choose a colorful sheath, blouse or accessories.

   3. I’m in technology, if that makes a difference. I have a few suit options, but all pretty traditional. Maybe I can find a fun shell/jewelry or something.

      1. In a male dominated field as well. I would suggest slacks instead of a suit, hair up instead of down and try to keep extras (colorful scarf, jewelry, patterns, colors) to a minimum. Men get distracted easily (by loud colors, dangly things or legs), and you want them to get what you are presenting.

         1. This made me laugh.
            We have to cater to men’s inability to focus… oy

            1. arg, I actually meant to say wear slacks instead of skirt!

               and yes, it is silly, but tried and true, at least from my experience.

         2. hehe “…dangly things or legs” so funny and so true…

      2. I think your original choice sounds perfect, professional but not a full-on suit and with enough color that you’ll stand out, in a good way. Knock ’em dead!

2. I would do a suit.

3. I am heading on a quick, last minute trip to Costa Rica next month. I am hoping to find a beach destination where I can relax for a few days that is not too far a drive from San Jose.

   I would love any recommendations from anyone who has traveled there. Additionally, if you have stayed at a hotel you’ve loved (preferably around $120/night or less), I would love recommendations!

   Thanks in advance!

   1. I had a great time there a couple years ago. No recommendations, as we were further from San Jose. But we used Tripadvisor to find hotels. Worked well.

   2. Tamarindo is awesome, but you may need to hop on another small plane to get there. There are wonderful bed and breakfasts there. I think one is called something like Luna del Sol or something similar.

   3. Jaco is drive-able and lovely.

4. Suggestions of comprehensive, neutral-ish sources for news/current events/sports/etc.? I’ve been living under a rock for the past four years: pregnancy, kid, maternity leave, pumping, another pregnancy, another kid, another maternity leave, more pumping… All while working a desk job in an isolated office. I’m in the process of emerging from under that rock: done with the baby phase of parenting, starting to feel like myself again, and, most importantly, moving to a job with a lot more client interaction and schmoozing (think high sales, but not). I’ll need to be able to talk about a wide range of topics that I once followed and learn about ones with which I’m not familiar.

   1. A newspaper? Pick whichever is popular in your town. Here, I’d go with NYTimes. Make time to read it, online or in paper.

   2. For just hitting a few high ponts, I like theSkimm daily email. I read it while I’m drying my hair and like that it covers some international stories (which I tend to gloss over otherwise)

      1. I hate the tone of the The Skimm (it’s way too “Hey, Girlfriend!”) and instead prefer Quartz’s daily update. (qz dot com).

         1. I also dislike the tone of The Skimm and have found that the NYTimes daily briefing email fills the void. I read that every weekday morning. Beyond that, I get a lot of my news from following WSJ, NYTimes, WaPo, NPR, Atlantic, Economist, etc. on Facebook. Between that and un-following all of my “friends” who annoy me, FB has turned into a pretty good news aggregator for me.

      2. I also do the Skimm daily email, and I generally try to listen to NPR on my morning commute a couple of days a week.

         I also have a Google Alert that sends me a daily email of all the new related to the key players in my industry (both my customers and their biggest competitors) – I set it up as “ABC Inc” OR “XYZ Industries” OR “Joe Schmoe Chocolate Teapots” etc. Although I have a lot of Facebook friends that are also in my industry from a past job, so I usually see the biggest news there first. Like the news I got this weekend that one of my biggest customers is being purchased by one of the biggest names in the industry and we’ll lose that account now once that deal is over. Ugh.

   3. NY Times
      BBC News
      Huffington Post
      Local Newspaper website
      Jezebel (though it’s more entertainment focused now)

      1. Huffington Post and Jezebel are definitely not neutral. They will tell you what’s going on, but both lean significantly left.

         1. Jezebel is like the buzzfeed of feminist “news.”

            1. I’m confused. Are you trying to say that feminist news is not neutral? How is the equality of men and women not neutral? Or are you trying to say that Jezebel does a poor job of aggregating news from a feminist perspective and is too Buzzfeed like? If so, would love to get suggestions for another serious news site with a similar viewpoint.

               “I am going to keep saying loud and clear that I am a feminist until it is met with a shrug,” / “I believe in the equality of men and women” – Justin Trudeau (Canadian Prime Minister @UN)

            2. Jezebel is not news because it is garbage.

   4. I DVR NBC’s evening news. It gives a nice summary of the day’s events.

   5. I’m really liking the Washington Post and the LA Times. Even USA Today (gasp) has had a smattering of well-written pieces.

   6. I have an RSS feed that I skim via an iphone app (feedly) and read:
      NYT
      Washington Post
      WSJ
      Bloomberg
      Slate
      The Atlantic
      Local Newspaper

   7. I’m in Seattle but read (peruse really, not the whole thing) the NYTimes online daily along with occasional readings of The Economist, which I’d like to read more often, if you’d like really well-written, insightful pieces with more depth.

   8. The Skimm is funny. NYTimes does a “ten things you should know” or something either every day or every week on twitter. And Twitter.

   9. Listen to NPR! Easy to do on the commute and somewhat passive. There’s no such thing as a neutral news source, but I try to consume those that generally practice good journalism (so HuffPo, Jezebel, or the Skimm wouldn’t meet that). I typically read the New York Times, my local paper (Chicago Tribune, though I find them lacking in a lot of respects), The Guardian, Der Spiegel in English and Le Monde since I speak French. I’m a news junkie. We also stream some BBC News on TV at home.

   10. I don’t trust anything to be neutralish, so I source from each side.

       For a liberal bent – most mainstream media, pick one (most have been mentioned above).
       For a conservative bent – National Review.

       Once I read both sides, I am able to form my own opinion.

   11. I like the Associate Press app. Headlines plus “10 things to know for today.”

   12. I’m a huge fan of the revamped Washington Post. Their App for tablets is very readable and will get you up to speed on a variety of topics.

5. Last night a neighbor I had never met before helped me move an extraordinarily heavy marble table top. Like, it may as well have been bolted to the floor when I tried lifting it myself. I live in a huge apartment complex and he happened to be in the hallway, so I asked and he was so kind to help me. It was still hard to lift with two people, and we were sweaty afterward.

   I feel like I was kind of rude to him. I had met his roommate once I passing before, but not him, and when I first saw him I called him by his roommate’s name. I was really exasperated and exhausted from trying to move this thing, and I didn’t even ask for this guy’s name! He formally introduced himself after helping me.

   I offered him twenty bucks (had offered when initially approaching him), but he refused (and maybe seemed kind of offended). I want to leave a little something on his door as a thank-you. Ideas? He is maybe 25, hipstery, and I don’t know a single thing about him. Bottle of booze? Nice cookies? Houseplant?

   1. Cookies or booze are a nice thank you. I don’t think you were rude.

      1. I think you were a bit rude (but I completely understand the fluster) but a 6 pack of a craft beer sampler and a short note will smooth it over perfectly.

   2. I think booze is a safe assumption. If he’s hipster-leaning, rye whiskey is trendy right now. A growler from a local brewery is also likely to be welcome. All else failing, a sixpack of craft beers.

   3. I’ll add a +1 to booze or beer. I’d add a note (a Post-It is fine) that says “thanks again for helping me move that table top. -Jane in 4A”. That way in case he’s forgotten or didn’t catch your name it’s a chance to remind him again, so you aren’t playing that “hey you, neighbor who I’ve introduced myself to multiple times but who’s name hasn’t stuck” game.

   4. I also think cookies or booze works, along with a thank you note. It’s fine! You were not particularly rude! But people love thank you notes and they are pretty much always a good idea.

   5. About $25k for 130 people in Connecticut in 2009 (open bar, summer, Saturday). My parents paid for venue/per person cost (13k), DH and I paid for the random other stuff (music, church donations, photography, flowers, paper goods/invites, etc etc). My dad bought my wedding dress ($700k?), and DH’s parents gave us 10k, 3k of which went to the rehearsal dinner and the rest went to our honeymoon and savings (note honeymoon is not included in the 25k).

      We got great prices on everything because it was the recession. If we paid “sticker” it’d have been a 30-35k wedding. For example we negotiated the per person rate from $130 to $100 simply because the venue was obviously not booked up and it was only 9 months from the dates we were looking at. My dress was a sample off the rack of a $3500+dress and did not need to be altered in any way (!) but I got it because it was 2008 and they wanted to unload everything.

      My sister just had another Connecticut wedding (2015) and her budget was more like 15k. Fewer guests and less frills, different venue. Also open bar but beer/wine/one signature cocktail only vs full bar. Not one person noticed/cared.

6. Any recommendations for stylish (as much as a backpack can be) but roomy and comfortable commuting backpacks? I have a Lo & Sons OMG now, but my stuff is so heavy that having that much weight on one side is really messing up my back. I’ve tried alternating shoulders but for some reason I’m “left-shouldered” and can’t carry anything on just my right!

   1. I’ve been looking around for one for a while, so no personal recommendations, but the Tumi backpacks are the best I’ve seen for a stylish backpack that also seems really practical. I like the Calais and Bradley styles, although the T-Pass Business Class Brief Pack looks great too. MZ Wallace has backpacks too. I like the Metro style.

   2. I have a knomo quilted one I switched to from Lo & Sons for the same reason. I bought mine two years ago but they have a ton more options now: http://www.knomobags.com/usa/bags/back-packs/women
      Many more designers are making attractive (I hesitate to say cool) backpacks these days.

7. Hugo Boss dresses are my workhorses. I hand wash them, they’re easy to iron, Super elegant and they fit my hourglass figure perfectly. I own about 6 and I wouldn’t look at any other brand for work now!

8. Who paid for your wedding and how much did it cost? In looking at places, I’m realizing people must have spent way more on weddings than I thought, and I’m just wondering where all this money is coming from. I looked at one place that had room requirements that basically meant people were either asking their guests to pony up $800 for hotel rooms, or they were covering themselves, which had to mean at least a $40k budget. I thought the $25k or whatever average cost of a wedding number you see was insane, and I’m realizing it’s not, and I’m just having a hard time figuring out how people paying what amounts to about half the average yearly American income on a party. Are people’s parents kicking in a large amount? Do people just have fewer student loan debt that SO and I?

   1. $25,000 16 years ago. Parents paid all. We would have preferred to do it in the backyard ;)

   2. My parents paid and our wedding cost about $50,000 (150 guests, suburban Philly, majority allocated to venue, food/booze, and band). They had a separate savings account that they had created for this purpose shortly after I was born. I was very careful to ask them about budget for things along the way, thinking this was more expensive than they’d envisioned, but they were actually encouraging of spending the full amount they’d set aside. To be perfectly honest, it was as much (or more) their party as it was mine, but fortunately my mom and I have similar taste so I loved our wedding!

      1. Oh, going to your question about room requirements, or what is really “forcing your guests to subsidize your wedding” — our venue was not a hotel, and cost about $6000 to rent. We set aside blocks of rooms at nearby hotels, but were not obligated to “take or pay” any particular volume.

   3. 18 years ago, my big, fat Indian wedding cost around $40,000. Parents paid for it, which wasn’t fair as I thought my husband’s folks ought to have ponied up for a part of it at least. However, we’ve paid it all back since so I have no guilt now!

      1. Oh, and that was all inclusive….venue, food, clothes, Jewellery, etc.

   4. 32k in 2014. Parents chipped in 10k. We have student loans but a wedding was important to us so we just saved up. Same as anythig really. If you want a house, you save up. If you want a wedding, you save up. If you want other things more than a big wedding you do a small ceremony with just the inner circle and take them out to dinner for something delicious and call it a day.

      1. Same here (although parents/grandparents contributed a bit less). This does not include rings/honeymoon. We had student loans but saved up and didn’t go into further debt paying for this. I wish we could have spent less but our venue was pricy (SoCal) despite the smallish size of 60 attendees. The best money we spent, IMHO, was for our wedding planner as neither of us were into planning details and she was awesome!!

   5. Currently planning a wedding in DC for about 120-130 attendees. My parents are kicking in about 95% of the cost (they had saved up a chunk for my sister and I specifically to put towards weddings). Our venue is also a hotel (****), but we negotiated a rate such that guests staying for 2 nights would pay about $350-400 total for the two nights for their hotel room, which is reasonable for our group. We also looked at (*****) venues, and while comparable in price for the reception itself, would have been triple what our negotiated rate is at the venue we have now and out of reach for almost everyone.

      I also do a bit of event planning at work, so I knew to make sure that we weren’t paying for attrition and we weren’t locked into guaranteeing a specific number of hotel rooms sold. We have a block of rooms, and as those rooms fill up we can request more rooms; if it’s super close to the date, then we know the rate will change.

      FWIW, our total, all-in, soup-to-nuts, total-outlay-for-all-parties-budget is projected to be about $50k.

   6. Our budget started around $20k and I think it’ll be closer to $25-30k by the time we’re done. We’re having a DIY(ish) barn wedding catered by a food truck. His parents helped a little ($5k) so we could have the photog we wanted. We’ll use a chunk of that money to give them an album (around $1k). My parents claim they will pay for my dress but they’re notoriously terrible about following through on financial promises.

      We have a long engagement in part to give us time to save up for the wedding/honeymoon. It helps that we’re booking vendors slowly, so the deposits aren’t hurting our bottom line too much. We’re still a year out, though, so my tune might change one of these days!

      1. I can’t believe it costs 30k to have a DIY wedding in a barn. This industry is whack!

         1. I’m pulling off a DIY wedding in a barn for around 7k, so all depends on what you count as important and where you put money.

         2. +1
            It is insane to me that DIY-ish, regardless of venue, costs 30k,!
            (Anon- I’m not criticizing your wedding. Just marveling at the cost)

         3. The venue, caterer, wedding planner (really DOC), and photog (including 2 albums and engagement shoot) are $17k total. That doesn’t include booze, bartenders, or rentals (tables, chairs, plates, flatware, glassware, linens). I don’t have firm quotes yet, but I’m probably looking at $2k in rentals, $500 for bartenders, and maybe $2-3k for booze? So that takes us up to ~$22k before music, decor, transportation, and paper. Fwiw, I’m trying to overestimate unknown costs for budgeting purposes. Hopefully I’ll be able to trim some expenses somewhere.

   7. Assessing the last few I went to, yes, mostly parents paid a lot, and one couple just saved up $80,000 themselves. They’re paying their student loans on a 30 year plan.

      1. That is INSANE.

   8. Currently in planning, so numbers subject to creep. :)

      We are paying for our wedding 100%, with exception of his parents covering the rehearsal dinner and a gifted honeymoon from one of my relatives. We are both mid-twenties and our annual joint income is $170k. We have no student loan debt (neither of us has gone to grad school, and were both able to pay off undergrad within 2 years of graduating).

      We live in a HCOL city, where we are having the wedding, rather than in either of our small hometowns. Our current budget items add up to $22k, although we tried to budget in some cushion (and we are trying to come in under budget where possible). To be honest, there is a lot I feel like we can’t do because of our budget, and I understand where $40k weddings come from. We are having no flowers, no DJ and serving only wine and beer, rather than a full open bar, for example. However, we prioritized having many of our friends and family there and serving them great food, so we have a bigger guestlist and more expensive food than if we were truly trying to keep all costs down as much as possible.

   9. We spent about $10k for a wedding ceremony and dinner afterwards (for 30 people) and paid for it ourselves. Dinner was 25%-30% of the cost. Remember, there are certain costs associated with a wedding that don’t necessarily scale a ton depending on the number of people you have.

   10. $20k in 2015 (excluding honeymoon ($6k) and engagement ring ($4200)). My parents paid for my dress ($1,600), his parents gave us $3,000, and we paid for the rest (including $6k for our honeymoon). The venue ($3,500) and the food were the most expensive parts for us. We saved money by purchasing our own alcohol (less than $1k), having a DJ instead of a band, keeping our guest list small (115 invited, 70 went), doing the invitations ourselves, limiting flowers and other decor, having the wedding in a nearby smaller city, and hunting a long time for the right vendors. My caterer also did our day of coordination for only $150 (best $150 I spent). We also skipped having wedding attendants.

       I have over $100k in student loan debt, but the wedding was important to us, so DH and I saved $1500-$2k/month until we had enough saved to pay for the wedding. We cut back significantly on unnecessary expenses, stopped paying extra on my student loans, etc. It was hard, but worth it.

   11. We paid $15k for our wedding for 2012 in 2012, in a small Northeastern city. My mother gave me $1k towards a dress and paid for our cake. My father gave me $1k as an engagement gift. We didn’t have a bridal party, just a best man and Maid of Honor. We didn’t have a lot of ‘extras’ at all, but it was still a really really nice wedding.

       It broke down like this:

       Reception Site (beautiful, amazing historic building): 3,000
       Food/Drink/Service: 6,500 including tips
       DJ: 1000
       Clothes (His tux, my dress alterations, accessories, etc.): $700
       Makeup/Hair/Nails: $300 (me+MOH+mom)
       Flowers/Decor: 2,000 including linens/chairs/etc.
       Church Fees: $1000
       Invitations/Favors/Gifts for family/misc: $500

   12. Ours was about $15K for ~90 guests in coastal New England in 2011 (excluding the honeymoon and rings). Parents paid for the wedding itself and my in-laws hosted the rehearsal dinner, although we could have easily afforded to cover it all ourselves.

   13. Destination wedding in Rome – total cost was about $7K. About 20 family came, on their own time. Most of the cost was travel, obviously. Mom made my dress (she’s amazing), hired a wedding planner on-line, bought flowers from a street vendor an hour before the ceremony, and basically did a pub crawl from the church to the restaurant where we had our dinner. BEST. DAY. EVER. So low stress, so much fun. I showed up with a dress. But for the record, I was the third daughter to get married in four years. Mom would probably not been nearly as willing to forgo the hometown wedding if it weren’t for that.

       1. This sounds great! I wanted to do something similar, but H and I couldn’t agree on the location. So instead we did the same idea locally: DC area 7 years ago, 25ish guests, ceremony + c*tails and dinner (no dj/band reception) all at the same restaurant. All-in budget was a little over 10k (not including the honeymoon). My mom paid for my dress/alterations/jewelry ~1k, my dad chipped in $2k, MIL did the flowers, FIL paid for the rehearsal dinner. We covered the rest.

   14. Our wedding this past summer was about $13k. My parents contributed $5000 and their house as our venue and his parents contributed $7000.

       We had saved up about $5000 of our own to spend on the wedding. If we didn’t get any money from our parents I think we wouldnt have gone much beyond that. We could have come close to this number by shrinking our guest list a bit, skipping the photographer, and getting fewer rentals. I have huge student loans and going into debt for the wedding wasn’t something we wanted to do.

   15. We paid $13k. My parents wanted to do a family welcome dinner (about $1k) and his parents wanted a few things that they paid for because we would not have had them otherwise (probably $3k total).

       We didn’t have a bridal party. My sister did my makeup and I did my own hair. No favors or flowers. It was important to us to cover lodging costs for some family and friends who were stretching themselves financially to attend. We had about 135 people and the most fabulous party of my life. Costs broken down as follows:

       Venue (backyard): free
       Rentals (tent, lights, chairs, tables, linens, plates, silverware, etc.): $4500
       Food (including food, cake, catering service, bartender, and tip): $4500
       Wine, beer, and liquor (procured ourselves): $1000
       Clothes (his suit, my dress, dresses for my sisters, our rings): $1200
       Accommodations for family/friends: $2000
       Officiant licensing fee: $100

       I left our honeymoon out of the total. We did a 2 week european vacation for $2500.

       1. Just realized I underestimated the honeymoon cost. We paid $2500 for airfare, other transportation, and Airbnbs. We spent another $2500 on food and fun, for a total of about $5000.

       2. Wow, it seems like you did everything right=didn’t spend too much and still had a wonderful day! I am curious about the rentals being the same price as the food-that was a surprise to me, are you in a HCOL area?

          1. Not HCOL, but definitely not LCOL either. The enormous tent was a large part of the cost. We also paid extra for the really fancy lighting option. The tent lighting was gorgeous and meant that we didn’t need to spend any additional money or time on decorating. Time was very important to me. I wanted to be able to spend the wedding weekend hanging with family and friends, and I was insistent on avoiding any DIY decorating and the stress that comes with it.

             In comparing the cost of the rentals to the cost of a venue, one of our main considerations was being able to avoid the alcohol mark-up. A venue would have cost around the same (or less) than rentals, but our alcohol costs would have skyrocketed and the food cost would have been higher as well. We have quite the fun-loving crowd and a top-shelf open bar would have cost several times what we paid to procure the booze ourselves.

       3. Sounds like ours were pretty similar, down to the sister helping with hair/makeup. We did get favors (tickets to a fireworks show) and flowers that I bought in bulk but they were very low cost in the grand scheme of things.

          We were prepared to help some friends with flights and hotels but it turned out they couldn’t make it.

   16. We paid entirely for our own wedding. It cost a little over $30k in the NYC metro area for 150 guests on a Saturday night in May. Classic dinner/dancing reception. We chose our venue very wisely and did not upgrade much from their basic package, which already had plenty of food and top shelf liquor. Basically I feel like we hit the wedding venue jackpot. The only downside was the decor was a little dated, but the food and service were phenomenal. We scrimped on “extras” like flowers and favors (no photo booth, etc.), and put more of our “extra” money into the entertainment. The one big splurge was having live music for the ceremony and cocktail hour, then switching over to a fantastic DJ for dancing. People don’t remember whether you had peonies on the tables, but they remember if the food and drinks were plentiful, they were hosted well, and the music was great.

   17. We paid roughly $60k for 65 people in Napa Valley last year, not including honeymoon ($20k) and rings. We paid for it entirely by ourselves in cash (Husband and I make in the mid-six figures combined). We had an 18-month engagement, so we were able to save and budget for it appropriately over the course of the planning period.

       Sometimes I really can’t believe we spent so much on our wedding, but we had our hearts’ set on Napa and it is insanely expensive to get married there. We also didn’t have a blowout, super lavish, over the top wedding either; we were definitely mindful of costs and cut back in areas (came in way under budget on my dress, skipped printed programs, dessert bar through our caterer instead of huge wedding cake, etc.) to stay within our budget.

   18. My husband and I had both been married before, so we did our wedding exactly how we wanted to do it and on a budget. We self-catered a buffet with bbq and sides. I did fresh flower arrangements with a friend the day before. Music was a playlist on an ipod through our own stereo equipment. Self-serve bar with wine, beer, soda, sangria, and two signature cocktails in dispensers. It was open-house style from 4 to 8 pm. Venue was a lodge we rented for about $1,000. We had about 100 people for $4,000 total.

       1. Love this!

   19. My parents graciously and generously paid for mine, which came in just under $20K on Long Island in 2005. They had budgeted $25-$30K, but apparently, this was the one time I didn’t spend money like water…

       85 guests. Church ceremony. Reception for $80/head. Cake and centerpieces were included in the hall rental. Didn’t make/buy favors for guests (and no one told me they missed them. I tend to forget mine at others’ weddings unintentionally). Printed our own programs (we did 80 and with what we had leftover, should have done like 25). Spent less than $800 on flowers (church had a beautiful interior without flowers and the reception hall had their own arrangements, plus centerpieces were included). Dress: $350 (David’s Bridal).

   20. $900 in 2011. We got married in my aunt and uncles’s backyard. We wore dark jeans and white tshirts, didn’t have wedding rings, had a friend perform the ceremony and had his nephew take pictures with the new camera he had gotten the Christmas before. We didn’t send invitations and just phoned the people we were inviting. We had 48 guests and all the money we spent was on food for the BBQ and beer and pop.

   21. $30k about 10 years ago for 170 people on the CA Central Coast for a Saturday night reception and church wedding. We were both in grad school and I paid for it using my summer associate salary and pre-law school savings (except we made my in-laws chip in $5 k for three tables of their friends we had never met).

   22. Ours was about $8k all in. It was a Saturday in Chicago in 2012. Our parents contributed to specific things that were important to them (photog, my veil). We had a tiny, family only, “elopement” style ceremony outdoors, where the only expense was less than $1000 for the photographer. Then the big reception/party on the Saturday night was in a brewery/brew pub’s event space: open bar, good food, etc. Somewhere around 70 people came to the party. There was a $6k minimum so we just put it all toward food and booze, and that was the main(/really only) expense. I guess per head it’s a lot, but it was nice to treat our friends to a feast and all the beer they could handle. The space was pretty so we did no decorations. I didn’t care about flowers or a fancy cake so we skipped them (but provided great desert as part of the venue’s food). Musical friends/family sang and played a bit, and my husband (a big music nerd) dj-ed the rest using his ipod on the venue’s sound system. My dress was ~$200 and my husband’s outfit was about the same. It was fun, and I’m glad we didn’t blow the bank on it.

   23. Wedding venues are expensive. I ended up going with a private room at a restaurant where we just had to pay a single per-person fee that covered everything. The fee varied depending on the meal choices, bar options, and other add-ons (desert service, coffee service), but it was a single per-person fee that started at $49 on the low end and went up to $100+ depending on how many add-ons and/or expensive dinner choices made. We paid about $65 or $70 per person for 70 guests. The venue we chose had several different sized rooms and we used the smallest one (max of 80), but they could accommodate weddings with up to 350 guests in other rooms. There were other similar venues (restaurants and banquet halls) that I looked at and they were all similar in cost, and much less expensive than places advertised as wedding venues where you had to pay for space, plus catering, plus bar, plus chairs and place settings and other misc. items.

       In addition to the per person cost of the venue, we had minimal other costs – clothes, rings, and some misc. unnecessary items that I got for fun (mother/father-of-the-bride/groom signs for chairs, fun centerpieces, table markers) but that weren’t necessary. The venue would have provided centerpieces and basic numbered table markers for no additional cost.

       1. Forgot to add, my husband I and paid for everything ourselves.

   24. About $30K in 2004; that covered *everything* from rings to honeymoon. We were both 34 and didn’t even ask our parents to contribute anything, which had the advantage of us not feeling like we needed to do anything their way. ;) We got married in my hometown on the Jersey Shore, which might have been prohibitively expensive except that we did it at the end of April (just before peak season started), on a Friday evening. The venues were my childhood church and a restaurant/banquet hall type place.

       Our guests ranged from college roommates who have done quite well for themselves, to cousins who did not have money to spend on pricey hotel rooms, so we scouted a wide range of options from a few nice B&Bs/Inns to a motor lodge 15 min away. We didn’t block rooms and we just gave everyone the same list and let them choose what to spend.

       The 2 things that, in retrospect, I might have spent more on were flowers and the photographer. We went fairly minimalist on each, and the photog, for instance, we only had for about the first hour of our reception. Would have liked more pics of the reception.

   25. $60k, I paid for it, after saving for two years. In DC area, mid sized Indian wedding — 200 guests, 3 days. 2014.

9. Does anyone know whether Jones New York will be coming back? I absolutely love the 2 washable wool suits I got there about a year ago. I know that the company has since been sold, but I keep hoping that the new management decides to start making some similar products — I would buy several more of the washable wool suits if I could!

   Any intel would be appreciated!

   1. I don’t know, but I sure hope so. I’ve never had work pants that fit me so well as their’s did – to the point that I went out and bought multiple pairs on ebay in different colors. The suiting was only so-so to me, but it was head and shoulders better than anything else I tried at the sale price point I paid, and it fit me without needing tailoring when I needed something on short notice.

10. Hi,
    I just wanted to say thank you for recommendations about cape town area. SA is one of the most beutiful countries I have ever seen.

    The ankle pants with fitted cardigans worked out great. Inside the AC was Cold, so the one blazer I brougt came in handy too.

    Thanks again

    1. That’s great to hear! Glad you had fun! It’s definitely a very special place to me.

11. I was recently dating someone for about a month (I’m 24 and he’s 29) and it was going pretty well until this past weekend he wanted to talk about “where we were going” and I was honest and said I enjoyed spending time with him and want to keep doing it and see where it goes (its only been a month after all).He then said he really liked me, our connection, etc. but felt he wasn’t in the best place emotionally (he was in a serious relationship last year and wants his next one to stick).

    Ultimately I want a relationship and so I said I couldn’t do a grey area quasi relationship thing so we would have to stop being physical and seeing each other romantically if he isn’t ready. It was great to talk it all out with him and everything but its still is a sh**ty feeling. Should I cut all ties completely and never speak to him again? Or keep in touch if he gets through what hes dealing with? Do “breaks” really work?

    1. “Not in the best place emotionally” translated into plain English means he is just not that into you. Move on!

    2. So he wants a relationship but he’s not sure if he’s ready for one with you? Yeah, no. Shut it down.

    3. If there’s any future contact, let him initiate it (and needless to say, “hey” texted at midnight almost doesn’t even count). I do think breaks can “work,” but too often they end because someone caves rather than because something has actually changed.

       In all the collective dating experience of myself and my friends (all mid-30s now), never once has a love interest managed expectations like this and then turned out to be a good partner.

       1. +1. When I’ve seen “breaks” work, there has been a total break for at least some period of time… and even then, those relationships usually end up seeming a little shaky. Don’t stay in touch if you’re going to be hoping that he comes around someday. This will be bad for you. Ask me how I know!

          I would feel frustrated and disappointed in your shoes, too, but on a positive note, you stayed true to what you wanted and refused to accept a quasi-relationship. That’s actually a good thing!

    4. At least he was honest, both with you and himself. Keep some contact, friend him on Facebook but maybe unfollow if his posts make you feel crummy. What you don’t want to do is hover around him expecting (or even just hoping) he’ll pick you when he’s ready for a relationship, because I’ve done that only to find out the guy ended up committing to someone else, and that really hurt. Keep some distance, keep seeing other people, if he changes his mind he knows where to find you – he should just hope you’re still single!

    5. Total break. If he decides 3 years from now that he’s into you, he can always figure out how to contact you and you can be interested or not.

       He just told you he doesn’t want you. Move on.

       1. I agree completely. When I was dating and a relationship ended, I would end all contact with the guy. That might seem harsh or extreme, but I found that “being friends” afterward did not work, at least not for me (I tried it once and never again).

    6. 29 year old men are the worst. I agree to cut off contact and if he comes back after his 30 year old re-emergence into society with the rest of us, cool.

       At least he had this conversation a month in. I have spent 18 years dating. And no one has ever sat me down and said they didn’t want to do it, or anything close. They just megamorph into dooshes until I do something or they remain very unhappy (and would likely stay that way forever!) until I say this isn’t working, is it? And they agree.

       That sucks but I can tell you to shop around now. Because the air gets thinner at the top. Have fun and don’t put yourself under any unnecessary timelines.

12. 1. I keep trying to post this and getting caught in a weird refresh/duplicate/spam filter situation. I’m sorry if it shows up a zillion times!

    2. I like many things about this dress but the sleeves seem odd to me.

    3. Do any of you have good resources for thinking about anger? Or just insights/anecdata to share?

    I tend to gripe a lot (not one of my best habits, I know), but I am a really even-keeled person–once I’ve registered my gripe, I don’t hold onto it. My partner takes the opposite approach–incredibly generous with the world on a moment-to-moment basis, but sometimes just gets MAD and needs a while to simmer through that reaction.

    Partner’s occasional anger has taken on anthropological quality for me, so I am interested in learning about how anger can serve different communication/learning styles or why it is a resource for some of us but not others. I would like to avoid the trap of thinking that anger is a “lesser” or “wasted” emotion–or, if you think that’s not a trap but rather gospel truth, please enlighten me!

    TIA.

    1. This sounds so sanctimonious FYI. Anger is not a “resource” or a “learning style.” It is a completely normal emotion that humans have.

       In general, treating people you are close to as an anthropological study is, I think, a terrible plan. It serves to distance you and other them.

       1. Hmm, thanks. I guess I’m trying to think about it anthropologically precisely because I *want* to value anger as a completely normal emotion. But because it’s not something that I tap into, it feels really foreign to me–like encountering someone who is possessed. I hear a lot of people talk about managing their anger or taming their temper, which seems like it might feel kind of stifling. But yes, I’m coming here for insights because wondering about *why* some people react with anger isn’t really helpful in the moment of a loved one being angry.

          1. Maybe you should work on tapping into your anger then.

             Because are you even listening to yourself? Like someone possessed?

             Every 5 year old in the country gets this. Sometimes you are happy, sometimes sad, sometimes glad, and sometimes mad.

          2. Have you never been passionately angry about something in your life? I know some people are more even-keeled and don’t anger easily, but you must have had *some* sort of experience with this emotion.

             It’s like anything else in differences in personality and how one processes emotion. Maybe you’re more likely to cry or laugh or ruminate or brush off your feelings than your partner. Maybe you hang on to grudges and he doesn’t. It’s the same idea: we all handle life differently.

             Talking about observing someone being angry as “anthropological” and relating it to someone being possessed comes across to me as dismissive and is an odd way to think about it; the way you put it makes it sound like you’re from another planet! What are you hoping to get out of understanding? Ways to relate to your partner, to help him, developing empathy for what it feels like?

             Anger has nothing to do with learning styles, I’m really scratching my head there…

             1. I think, if I’m being really honest, I am trying to figure out anger so that I don’t feel offended by it. I wasn’t trying to say that anger was related to learning styles, but thinking of it as a kind of different communication style–everybody processes differently.

                I don’t get angry and yell. Some people do. I don’t think I want to say that those people are wrong, but I know that I don’t like it, and I think if it made more sense to me, I would feel less dismissive of it.

             2. If you don’t want him to yell at you, ask him not to. If he keeps doing it, leave him.

                Anger is normal. If you don’t like it though you don’t have to live with it.

    2. Anger is frequently displayed in men who are depressed. (Their sadness displays as anger)

       Also, there are plenty of resources out there that talk about how men are ONLY allowed to feel anger and not much else. Because Emotional = feminine and god forbid men are in touch w/the myriad of emotions that create the human experience.

       If he has temper problem start checking out if he meets the criteria in the DSM for Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

       1. Thanks! Any particular resources you recommend?

          1. Omg leave the man alone. Explosive disorder? Depression? Diagnoses?

             Every now and then getting mad at something bad that has happened IS NOT MENTAL ILLNESS.

          2. Resources for what? Turning your partner into an emotional robot? :-)

             1. Aunt Jamesina, I know you’re not being totally serious, but this is seriously where I get stuck. The conversation downthread (way to go me and my commenting fail) has someone saying that “normal people” seek to manage these kinds of normal emotions. So maybe I am super repressed and my partner is normal, or maybe I am healthfully managing/redirecting my anger and my partner is not. I know I shouldn’t expect clear analysis from an anon internet forum, but this is why I’m feeling confused!

                I do agree with Anonymous at 12:50 that IED seems like a really weirdly specific diagnosis of something that probably a lot of people have navigated. But maybe it works for some people . . .

             2. Look, here is your role. If he is offending you or upsetting you, say so. That’s it.

    3. I don’t think anger on its own has a value or lack of value, but how it is directed matters. I mean, obviously if someone just goes around mad at the world that’s pointless, but if it inspires someone to protest unjust treatment, or stand up for themselves or others, or take a necessary action without worrying about the consequences, or even just to let off some steam about something that matters to you, even if it’s fairly inconsequential in the bigger picture, or to redirect frustrations about something that does matter into an area where it can be released without causing trouble (like anger about a work situation redirected to yelling at the asshole driver who cut you off). I’m having trouble understanding why you would think of anger as a “lesser” emotion at all.

    4. I understand where the OP is coming from. I sometimes think this way so I can just let my partner’s anger wash over me so I don’t react in the moment and say things that (1) I would regret or (2) would just make it worse.

13. I am having a lot of trouble getting the comments to load and refresh. Kat et al, I apologize if this comment comes through a zillion times.

    Do any of you have good resources for thinking about anger? Or just insights/anecdata to share?

    I tend to gripe a lot (not one of my best habits, I know), but I am a really even-keeled person–once I’ve registered my gripe, I don’t hold onto it. My partner takes the opposite approach–incredibly generous with the world on a moment-to-moment basis, but sometimes just gets MAD and needs a while to simmer through that reaction.

    Partner’s occasional anger has taken on anthropological quality for me, so I am interested in learning about how anger can serve different communication/learning styles or why it is a resource for some of us but not others. I would like to avoid the trap of thinking that anger is a “lesser” or “wasted” emotion–or, if you think that’s not a trap but rather gospel truth, please enlighten me!

    TIA.

14. I’m starting a drug regime that should cause me to lose about 10-15% of my body weight in about a month (supervised by my doctor–have meal plan and exercise plan–losing weight is high priority to help alleviate other medical issues).

    But what do I wear to work? I am thinking dresses. Lots of dresses. I have about 6 or 7 work dresses that fit now. Would it be too obvious to cycle them for the next month or so? Even if it is, should I even care? I plan to buy new clothes at my new weight once it settles.

    Would a skirt be a good investment here? I am thinking of a simple one that could be altered fairly easily as I lose weight. Would it be OK to wear a too-big top with one?

    1. Can you share what the drug is? I feel like I’ve tried everything and can’t seem to get weight off.

       1. It’s adipex and topiramax. It isn’t recommended for everyone so doctors are hesitant to prescribe it unless you have another condition aggravated by weight gain. In my case, I had pre-diabetes and, despite losing weight, the weight is returning slowly—even though I’m making my diet even stricter and exercising even more. I guess it can happen.

          When on it, you really have to focus on diet and exercise or it doesn’t work (according to my doctor) and just has nasty side effects. It isn’t an “easy” way to lose weight. My doctor told me to think of it as more of an assist.

          1. Can I offer a gentle suggestion to watch out for the known neurological and cognitive side effects of topiramate/Topamax? It’s known as Dopamax for a reason :)

             I took it as a preventive for migraines several years ago, and experienced severe issues with short-term memory, word-finding, and anything to do with numbers – also tingling hands & feet, edema, and changes in how food tasted. Some of these are dose-dependent, and can be avoided by titrating your dose up very slowly.

             Best of luck!

             1. +1000

                I ended up stopping this, the side effects were just too much.

             2. Yes. I have to keep my dose at 25mg per day or else I forget how to speak English. Which is a problem because it’s my first and only language. And even at that low dose I can’t taste the fizz in carbonated drinks any more.

             3. Agree, it made me into a tingly dummy.

             4. I took it prophylactically for migraine also, and it definitely made me dumb and numb! I had to stay behind a meeting once pretending to organize notes because my leg was so numb I couldn’t stand up. It also made me not enjoy wine.

             5. Thanks! Yes, I am watching out for the known side effects. My doctor and I are very concerned about my weight (borderline obese BMI) because of my other health issues. We came to the conclusion the the potential benefits outweigh the knowable risks for me. Plus, I am on it for a very limited time so we hope that the side effects won’t build up to the level where I have to stop taking it.

    2. So I was in your shoes and I did Gwynnie Bee. For the cost of one dress, I could get 12 a month and I could change the sizes as I shrank. It was a godsend!

       1. Thanks! I’ll look into that!

       2. This is probably the best use case for Gwynnie Bee.

    3. IME, too-big tops can work when tucked into a high-waisted skirt. It looks intentionally blousy. You can also roll up sleeves to keep some shape up top.

    4. You would be SHOCKED how little people notice what you’re wearing at work, unless it’s a “statement” piece or it’s part of your workplace culture to compare notes on outfits — I think you’d be fine augmenting your dresses with a skirt or two (to give you room to do laundry/dry cleaning) to get you through the transition. Keep a notepad going, if you need to, to help you remember the last time you wore a particular outfit or noticeable accessory (e.g., navy wrap dress, green statement necklace, nude heels).

       1. Notebook! Great idea! I’m keeping a food and exercise journal so I’ll add outfits!

    5. Even if you Wear the same dress, you can change the look a lot with different necklaces and scaves.

    6. Do you have a tailor/seamstress you trust? As you start to lose weight can you take those dresses in and ask them which will be the easiest to tailor (possibly just taking in the side seam all the way up) vs which will be too fussy to take in (princess seams or darts, for instance).

       I work in a super casual industry so I can get away with this more, but I’ve found 2 local consignment/resale shops that I treat as “rental clothing” when I’m between sizes – it’s cheap enough that I don’t care if I only get a few months wear out of it, it makes me feel better than clothes that don’t fit at all, and sometimes I can sell it back (but I don’t count on it).

       If you have a dress that you love, you could also try checking ebay to see if you can find it for a steal in 2-3 sizes down – I’ve had luck with this by putting the name of the brand and whatever numbers I can find on the tag into ebay.

       And please report back on how it goes with the drug – I am in a similar boat (pre-diabetic, even on super strict diets and exercise routines I barely lose any weight – doing everything 100% right in Weight Watchers for weeks at a time results in less than 1-2 lbs a month instead of 1-2 lbs a week like predicted) and my doctor had recommended I consider a drug like Qsymia, but at that time it was cost prohibitive since it wasn’t covered by my insurance at all so it would have been hundreds of dollars a month out of pocket. But I’m wondering if that isn’t worth it for my long term health now that I might be able to afford it.

       1. I think I really got a jump start losing weight after my diagnosis by taking a vacation where we hiked at least 3 miles per day and where I was eating just two meals per day. I was really lucky with my initial weight loss.

          I think Qsymia is similar to this combo. My doctor considered it for me but wants to try this first. I guess Qsymia is the “next generation”. Both drugs require working out and eating right. I’m on a 1200 cal/day meal plan plus 300 cal/day in snacks. The plan is to go to the gym and yoga daily.

          I think medical care is always a great investment! I think with this drug, you have to be ready to work with the drug. The doctor was very clear that the next 30 days are not going to be easy and will test my willpower.

    7. I wear pretty much the same five dresses every week. If people notice, they don’t mention it.

       1. Me too. 3 of them are black sheaths. I don’t even notice the difference most of the time.

    8. I think 6-7 dresses worn 3-5x each for a month is totally fine. That said, you might be surprised how much of your current wardrobe will be workable for at least the first part of the month. So I wouldn’t just move everything out of your closet except those dresses. I’ve had some big weight swings in the past and you’d be surprised how some skirts/pants/tops look reasonable +/- 10%.

       1. Agreed. But I am already pushing that limit after my initial weight loss. This regime was supposed to happen 6 months ago but other, more urgent, medical issues cropped up and had to be cleared up before I could focus again on weight loss. The other issues may be caused by my extra weight so it’s a priority now that those have been stabilized/treated. I’ve been wearing a small sliver of my wardrobe for the last 6 months in anticipation of today! I have a few more “skinny” pieces that don’t fit yet and I’ll rotate those in when they do.

          It has been a very frustrating year for me health-wise! I’m relieved that my wardrobe won’t be something I have to worry about!

          1. I’m currently suffering from the opposite problem – I’ve gained a lot of weight over the last year and a half or so, mostly around my tummy. I’m down to a couple dresses and a ponte skirt I bought. Skirts or dresses with a bit of give or stretch are probably going to be the most versatile.

15. Any Law Librarians here?

    Tell me what you like about your job and what surprised you about it?

    I am thinking of making the switch after a 10year career at mid-sized law. I would potentially go back to get the Information Studies degree.

    1. I am not one, but I understand (from the media and comments here) that it’s a shrinking industry that’s very hard to get into and people currently employed in it are worried about layoffs. If you like legal research, could you look for a job that’s focused on that but doesn’t require a new degree, like Westlaw research attorney?

       1. +1

          I chat with our law librarian a lot (big-ish firm) and I understand that a) the industry is shrinking b) the community is very, very small and opportunities are limited and c) while you might love what you do and the individual attorneys you work with, you may get treated poorly (of course, firm dependent, but so many law firms seem to have a mental divide between lawyers and non-lawyers).

       2. +1. I briefly considering entering the field when I was a 3L, but after doing some research (including talking to current law librarians), I realized that it wouldn’t be a great idea in terms of future job outlook.

    2. Not one, but I have a contingent of friends/friends of friends with MLIS degrees that are out of work or are very underemployed (10-20 hour a week jobs with no benefits and very low pay), so do your homework on how much the starting pay is vs how much you would pay for the degree, and if you would even need to have your degree or if 10 years as a lawyer would be enough to get you hired.

    3. I’m a law librarian, I did a fellowship for my masters that paid my tuition and gave me experience. There are certainly positions available at all levels (firm/gov/academic), I’m at a law school and generally like it very much. It is a humane work environment with manageable stress. I have amazing benefits and pension. Cons are salary and ability to move up unless you are willing to relocate, or are in one of the few major cities that have legal markets large enough to have lots of options. I also get to take advantage of public service loan forgiveness, so despite my low pay, that is huge.

       In whatever role, you will (at least feel like) you are considered less than “real” attorneys, so that is something to be aware of. I infinitely prefer my job to practicing or working for Westlaw or the like. You can do your masters through distance learning, it is nothing compared to law school, but time consuming and costly.

    4. I work as a non-law librarian, and was very surprised by the number of people in my library school cohort who were former lawyers looking to become law librarians. The three I know personally are gainfully employed at academic libraries and seem to love the work/life balance along with the ability to put their law degrees to work. The only downside I’ve heard of is the significant pay cut!

    5. I have an MLIS and I do not have a traditional librarian job. I’m working as a consultant in the information management industry with corporate clients in insurance and financial services. It really pains me to say this, but as legal research becomes subject to more automation, opportunities for law librarians will probably decrease outside of academia. Also, it’s funny you bring this up because I’m applying to law school for a part time program this fall.

       There’s an emerging field of information management related to records management, known as Information Governance. It deals with the convergence of business, privacy, legal, records management, and IT. If your background is related to litigation and discovery, this may be an area for you to explore before deciding to go back to school.

       What is drawing you to library science?

    6. I’m a law librarian in a firm. I know a couple librarians who are former attorneys, but they didn’t practice as long as you have. I fell into the job because I was already on that path. I worked in public libraries after college and had connections that got me a firm job, then I got an MLIS since I already had experience. I like it, but I wouldn’t recommend switching to it. There aren’t a lot of jobs out there and you’re competing with people who have been in the field for 20+ years. It pays relatively well, but not as well as midlaw pays lawyers. A lot of lawyers will only respect you if they know you have a JD (but they may wonder if you couldn’t hack practicing). Plus, if you’ve ever been bored from not getting enough work–you may be disappointed. Work/life balance is awesome, but I have a lot of downtime.

16. I like many things about this dress but the sleeves seem odd to me.

    Do any of you have good resources for thinking about anger? Or just insights/anecdata to share?

    I tend to gripe a lot (not one of my best habits, I know), but I am a really even-keeled person–once I’ve registered my gripe, I don’t hold onto it. My partner takes the opposite approach–incredibly generous with the world on a moment-to-moment basis, but sometimes just gets MAD and needs a while to simmer through that reaction.

    Partner’s occasional anger has taken on anthropological quality for me, so I am interested in learning about how anger can serve different communication/learning styles or why it is a resource for some of us but not others. I would like to avoid the trap of thinking that anger is a “lesser” or “wasted” emotion–or, if you think that’s not a trap but rather gospel truth, please enlighten me!

    TIA.

    1. I have a temper that can be pretty nasty. For me, yoga is the one thing that taught me to control my thoughts and my physical responses. Just meditation doesn’t work–it didn’t teach me how to channel the physical response. I use my yoga breathing skills a lot when I’m on the edge or hungry.

       1. Thanks, padi. Interesting that you have sought to manage your temper–I feel like I hear conflicting things between the suggestion above that anger is a normal human emotion and your experience of wanting to have more control over that response. I am glad you have found something that’s working for you!

          1. I don’t personally think those two things are conflicting. The feeling is normal, but the way you behave when having that feeling can be managed.

          2. Oh come on. Try harder. Of course anger being normal doesn’t preclude wanting to manage it.

             Sadness is normal. Guilt is normal. Disappointment is normal. Feeling overwhelmed is normal. And normal people often try and lessen these emotions because they don’t feel awesome to have.

             1. Right, but does carrying that further mean that someone who doesn’t seem to seek to manage their anger *isn’t* normal? I really hope not; I don’t want to pathologize this.

                Sure, some people channel their anger differently (maybe that’s me), or like padi have adopted techniques to do so. But some people don’t (hello beloved partner). I guess I am trying to avoid the conclusion that the last category of people are wrong.

             2. Are you yourself struggling with mental health? What makes you conclude he doesn’t seek to manage his anger? He’s only occasionally mad right? So he prob does manage it quite well.

                Not being weirdly emotionless doesn’t mean he is failing or not trying to manage his anger.

             3. I’m still trying to figure out what about his feeling anger is a problem for you. Does he yell AT you? Does he take out his anger about a person/place/thing/situation in a way that makes you uncomfortable? Does he break things? Does he hit things? Does he have crazy road rage?

                As many people have already said, anger is one of many emotions that humans are wired to feel. If he is displaying his anger in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you tell him that. You have to set your boundaries and then he can decide whether he wants to live in accordance with them (and vice versa). If you have a partner that gets angry and yells, you say when you raise your voice it makes me feel uncomfortable/when you yell at me I lose focus of what you are trying to say and I feel like I am not able to properly listen to you, or whatever.

                It’s okay to get angry about something, it’s not okay to hit or break things. Some people don’t mind yelling, others do. Some people need time to cool off and then they are fine, others need to go for a run. Perhaps he just wants to vent and wants you to listen. At any rate, you should be talking to him about how it makes you feel.

             4. Yes, yells AT me, complete with insults/cussing. Does not hit or break.

                I think I need to do a better job of just leaving when there’s yelling–I always want to engage more constructively, which . . . never works. But at the same time I do not think that just because I am there I am somehow responsible for getting yelled at! If my partner chooses to yell, that is their business; I can choose to be there or not.

                PS. Interesting that you all assumed male partner! :)

             5. Male or female partner, yelling at you and cussing/insulting you is not acceptable IMO. I think you say, yelling at me/cussing at me/insulting me is not an acceptable way to speak to me and I am not going to tolerate it. And then, as you said, you leave. That’s not acceptable behavior. Period.

             6. Yelling and cursing at you isn’t because he feels anger, it’s because he is a jerk.

          3. I wanted to control my temper because it was affecting my relationships. A number of close family members and close friends had confronted me over the years about my temper and that it made them scared to be around me. My relationships are more important than any “need” I have to express my anger in the moment.

             I still express anger and confront issues. I am just less likely to yell, throw things, or want to hit/kick/punch/run away. The physical symptoms of anger are the hardest for me to control.

             For my health issues , I found that humor was a very helpful tool for putting my pain and frustration into perspective and communicating with others about how I felt. Finding a way to humorously discuss something horrible and painful takes a lot of effort–which diffuses my emotions. It wasn’t always possible but I was more likely to cry or express another emotion than to snap at healthcare providers or my family.

    2. My father was an angry man. He exploded when things went wrong (and even if they didn’t), and yelled at you/swore at you as you describe your husband does. This is not acceptable. It is not typical.

       You need to decide, after talking with your partner, if this is something you can live with. It can be very difficult to change this behavior, which becomes more ingrained over time. And it often can reflect poor coping mechanisms, poor role models early in life for dealing with stress/emotion, and mental illness.

       You need to think about what is going on in his life right now that could be contributing to increased stress.

       You need to tell him how you feel.

       You need to consider therapy for yourself, to help you decide why you are living with it, and to help you sort through what to do if you are set on staying.

       You need to consider that your partner may have serious issues that warrant therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy) or possibly medication (depression/anxiety/PTSD/whatever his issue might be…).

       For my father, it took job losses, marriage destruction, and death of my mother for him to reach his breaking point. Finally, he accepted psychiatric care. And now the tiniest starting dose of a medication with zero side effects has changed him into a decent, kind, thoughtful and patient person. No yelling. No swearing.

       Too bad he nearly destroyed the lives of his children in the process.

       Do not… I repeat… do NOT have children with this man until this situation improves.

17. I like many things about this dress but the sleeves seem odd to me.

    Do any of you have good resources for thinking about anger? Or just insights/anecdata to share?

    I tend to gripe a lot (not one of my best habits, I know), but I am a really even-keeled person–once I’ve registered my gripe, I don’t hold onto it. My partner takes the opposite approach–incredibly generous with the world on a moment-to-moment basis, but sometimes just gets MAD and needs a while to burn through that reaction.

    Partner’s occasional anger has taken on anthropological quality for me, so I am interested in learning about how anger can serve different communication/learning styles or why it is a resource for some of us but not others. I would like to avoid the trap of thinking that anger is a “lesser” or “wasted” emotion–or, if you think that’s not a trap but rather absolute truth, please enlighten me!

    Thanks in advance.

    1. No responses, but FYI since I see this posted 4 times… I am guessing you got stuck in moderation for use of the dreaded “s!te” at the end of oppos!te.

       1. Oh sheesh. Thanks. I couldn’t figure it out!

18. For any finance types out there, Erin Callan (former CFO of LEH) has put out a new memoir. It’s about Leaning In too far. I haven’t read it, but plan to. I have friends that worked directly for Erin in ECM and they thought she was fantastic.

    Review here: http://fortune.com/2016/03/21/erin-callan-lehman-book/?xid=nl_termsheet

    1. I’d be interested in reading it but that cover is certainly jarring!

       1. Yep. It’s self published, so, prolly didn’t get input from a typical publishing marketing person.

    2. Didn’t she write a short piece in one of the major papers (NYTimes or WSJ or something like that) about her regrets that she focused on her job to the exclusion of all else? I remember finding that piece really interesting.

19. Kind of scared to ask this question… But does anyone have experience getting a diagnosis of ADD/ADHD as an adult? I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this week basically because my significant other asked me to see someone. I’ve known essentially my whole life that something is “off” with me (easily distracted, procrastinate, which causes immense stress and I’m unable to enjoy anything else in life bc I feel like I should be “catching up”, which I never can, etc. etc.). It was easier when I was in school, because there was a built in re-set every year, so I could only get so far behind. But since I’ve been working it’s gotten worse and worse – I’ve switched jobs just bc I felt like I needed to start over fresh, but of course am now in the same boat even in my new job.

    Maybe it’s anxiety, maybe it’s depression, maybe it’s nothing and everyone feels like this all the time too. When I read about adult women getting ADD diagnoses though, it’s describing me to a T. But I have no idea how to discuss this with a doctor and feel like it’s not believable at all (which is basically why I’ve never gone before).

    Not even sure what I’m asking here… Maybe just to see if anyone has experienced something similar or has any advice.

    1. THis happens more than you think. Relax. It’s ok and there are interventions and behavioral changes which can help you. ADDitude magazine is easy and helpful … also, many things in Real Simple magazine can help. I’m a diagnostician with 25+ years experience. Hoping you have a great appointment. Try to be easier on yourself; if you have ADD then many of your frustrations were out of your control as you didn’t know what to do. You’ve made the first step. Keep us posted.

    2. I felt that I was a very good student and focused. But when I hit college, I had to try (or so I felt) and it was so overwhelming that I barely got by. Then, I got into law school and I couldn’t keep up with the reading at all. It was terrible. So I went to an adult ADHD specialist and he said he could tell I was in the first 5 minutes of meeting me.

       But when I am off my meds, I feel very depressed because the tasks at hand are just.so.overwhelming that I cannot leave my bed. When I am on them, I feel like a human again. So I am not sure it developed later or not but I wasn’t diagnosed until later. FWIW my parents are VERY anti medication and doctors and still to this day, do not believe it exists. Even though I am pretty sure they both have it also.

       PBS documentary – ADHD and loving it
       Book – So I am not Crazy Lazy or Stupid (not sure if that’s the exact words or not)

       I definitely saw my family doctor first and he just agreed I probably have it. That made me doubt myself more. I think the stigma around everyone being a little “ADHD” too doesn’t help. So, seeing a specialist while expensive was completely worth regaining my mental health. And I’ve learned things about it too like I interrupt a lot. And I know that sounds like it’s rude but it happened a lot and people don’t like that. So now, even if a word slips out, I cover it and clear my throat, write down what I want to say so I can listen. Also, I play with my hair without thinking about it. Well, some people see that as flirting. Now, I am more cognizant of that.

       Good luck!

    3. I’ve been treated for anxiety. My therapist suggest I get screened for ADD. I did try a drug (Adderall?) for it, but it didn’t help much. This was when I as about 32 or so.
       I read “ODD One Out” I want to say the author is Jennifer Koretsky? Very helpful.
       I signed up for some newsletters.
       Ultimately I don’t think I have it, I don’t think the diagnosis was accurate. Maybe it is. Not right now.
       Sorry this didn’t help much. But, you’re not alone.

    4. My husband was diagnosed in his mid 30s and has had a good experience with Adderal. The experience as his wife has been life changing because he has so much energy and is so motivated now.

    5. Yes, and it was the most freeing conversation that I’ve ever had. I was diagnosed about four years ago and I know exactly how you feel. I found I wasn’t actually depressed or anxious, just very frustrated and down on myself because of my inability to focus. All that you can really do is describe how you feel to your doctor. Sometimes there are additional behavioral tests, but I don’t think they do that once you pass a certain age. Your doctor may try antidepressants first, and that may help.

       You’re not alone! Good luck with your appointment!

20. One of my husband’s co-workers, with whom we’ve also gone out to dinner with a few times, invited us to an Easter brunch/celebration of his 6-month-old son’s baptism. We were not invited to the baptism itself. Is this a gift-giving occasion? I’m not Christian so I don’t really know the etiquette.

    1. A card would be nice, but I don’t think you need to bring a gift. Some people do.

       We invited a bunch of people to our kid’s Baptism and Baptism brunch as a ‘Hey, want to come meet our kid while baby is still little and cute?’ celebration. A few people gave us contributions to his 529 plan (did you know they don’t do paper savings bonds anymore? me either, but my MIL nearly had a fit over it). Someone gave him a ‘my storybook bible’ type book, but for the most part, people just came over and thought he was cute.

       1. One thing I give, but I’m Roman Catholic, so it means a great deal to me – is a stuffed animal that’s a lamb or sheep. YMMV

    2. It is generally a gift giving occasion. In your shoes I’d give a baby picture frame or nice copy of a children’s book. Religious people will often give those sorts of gifts, and some people give money, but as a casual friend you aren’t expected to and just a little gift is nice.

    3. I’m Catholic, in the NY metro area FWIW. For my kids’ baptisms, extended family and other Catholics typically wrote a $50 check. My non-Catholic friends gave a physical gift (either a toy or clothes or keepsake).

    4. I’m an Episcopalian in the south, and didn’t expect gifts for my daughter’s baptism brunch. Her godparents each got her something (a monogrammed silver teether and a cross necklace she can wear when she’s older), but no one else did. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.

21. I like this splurge dress but not in the budget. I have the Lands’ End Women’s Short Sleeve Ponté Sheath Dress and like it better – it’s on sale (though mostly sold out of the regular sizes). The photo of the “Regular” size dress makes the dress look a bit too body con but look at the Plus photo for a clearer view. I think it hits in the right places without being too tight.

    1. Do you mind sharing your body type? I’m interested in Lands End’s ponte dresses but I’m quite apple shaped and I worry they would emphasize my belly too much.

       1. Not the OP, but I think you should give them a shot.

          I have the 3/4 sleeve version (the “women’s wear to work 2/4 sleeve dress”), and while I don’t think I’m apple shaped, I have a very flat chest and many dress styles really emphasize my tummy (sheath dresses are bad news, in general). The Land’s End one is one of the easiest dresses for me to wear, and the seaming around my midsection is very flattering.

       2. I am apple shaped and find that the Lands End sheath dresses do a good job of not emphasizing my mid-section. I just cannot wear anything that tries to give me a waist. The neckline on the short sleeved ponte dress was much too high for me. Higher than the sleeveless ponte sheath dress.

       3. Thanks, guys!

22. Any recs for a service that is similar to Blue Apron? I may be boycotting them soon (for personal reasons) and I would like to have a back up ready so I’m not scrambling at the last minute.

    1. Hello Fresh is decent (although I like Blue Apron’s vegetarian options better). I’ve also been intrigued by Plated, but haven’t tried it yet.

    2. Home Chef is great. Plated is another one but I’ve never tried it.

    3. I like Plated better than Home Chef.

    4. I know you said it’s for personal reasons, but now I’m insanely curious as to why you may be boycotting? We do Blue Apron, but my husband travels every other week and it is tough to cook that intensely with a toddler “helper.” It’s possible I’m just looking for a reason to quit :).

       1. +1 dying to know.

          I’m on B.A. box 2 and I hate it. There is no reason that I should have to make my own pickles for a (not very impressive) Cuban sandwich. I mean, seriously.

       2. My reason for the boycott is that Blue Apron commercials aired on the network TLC during the new program about the Duggar family. I grew up in a cult similar to that family (women submit to men, courtships where the father arranges the marriage) and I was also m*lested by a family member. I can’t believe that family is back on the air after it came about what the oldest son did to his sisters and his wife and that pr*stitute, while the family protected him over his victims. The parents also don’t parent and expect their older daughters to raise their younger ones.

          Blue Apron is one of the company’s that advertised during the show and was one of the sponsors. I emailed them to address my concerns and they have assured myself and others who have complained that they don’t support the Duggar’s and that TLC made a mistake by airing their commercials during the show. I want to believe but of it continues I will boycott them for the reasons stated above.

          1. Please excuse any typos/grammatical errors in my above post. I got a little teary and was not paying attention to the autocorrect on my phone.

    5. If you’re open to plant-based (vegan) food, I’ve been intrigued by Purple Carrot (especially since Mark Bittman, the NYT food columnist/author of how to cook everything) came on board.

    6. Green Chef is great. It’s a little more pricey but I do all veggie options so it’s around $70 a week.

       I’ve done Hello Fresh also.

       And good for you. I’ll be boycotting them as well now too.

23. I tried Green Chef and really liked it. But: spendy.

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