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A tweed blazer is one of my favorite pieces for these dark, chilly months when I spend a not insignificant portion of my energy just trying to stay warm. (The Office Thermostat Battle is real.)
I like this drapey version from Nic + Zoe for an updated take on the classic tweed. I would wear it over a white or ivory blouse with some brightly-colored ankle pants or a pencil skirt.
The blazer is $138 (marked down from $198) and available in regular sizes XS–XXL and petite sizes P–L. Range Tweed Jacket
A couple of plus-size options are this tweed jacket from Lafayette 148 New York (on sale for $239 from $648!) and this jacquard blazer from Kasper (on sale for $41 from $139).
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
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Anon
Has anyone read Ms. Magazine? I’m fairly young, and I also grew up in a sheltered, religious home, so I only learned about the history of feminism, icons like Gloria Steinem, etc. in college a few years ago. Still, I’m a little surprised that I hadn’t heard of Ms until recently. I went ahead and subscribed on Black Friday.
LaurenB
I’m mid fifties and did not grow up in a religious home. Thank God for that!!
I’m quite sure my mom bought random issues of Ms in the 70’s and 80’s, and I would periodically buy ones that caught my eye in the 80’s and beyond.
If you are interested in the history of feminism, you might enjoy the mini-series Mrs. America on Hulu detailing the life of Phyllis Schafly — all the feminist icons of my youth (including Gloria Steinem) are represented. I was a little too young to fully understand what was going on, but those women were all very well known.
Anon
Schafly is an anti-feminist icon. Just because she’s a woman who had outspoken ideas does not make those ideas feminist.
No Face
I think LaurenB is referring to the other women in the show as feminist icons, not Schafly. Like Gloria Steinem, Shirley Chisholm, etc.
Airplane.
Pretty sure Lauren B’s point is that the mini-series documents the history of the feminist movement, so would be of interest to OP. Obviously Phyllis Schlafly is anti-feminist.
Anon
She said the mini-series details the life of Schlafly specifically and implied that she and other feminist icons of her own youth were represented. Schlafly should not be included in that group by any reasonable person’s definition. She specifically opposed feminism in her own words.
LaurenB
Oh for heavens sake. I know Schafly was anti-feminist. I said that the miniseries depicting her shows all the feminist icons. This is an attempt to play “gotcha” and I’m not falling for it.
LaurenB
There’s nothing incorrect or misleading in my post. In the miniseries that details the life of PS, all the feminist icons of my youth (such as Gloria Steinem) are represented. That in no way says that PS was a feminist icon. Is there a reason for trying to put words in my mouth that weren’t ever said so you can then claim I said them and turn them against me? (Rudy, is that you?)
HSAL
No one thinks she was a feminist. You inferred incorrectly.
Anonymous
Lauren seems to think she is. Read what she wrote.
Sloan Sabbith
No. You’re inferring things from her post that aren’t there.
Emma
Yeah, I don’t think that’s what Lauren was saying!
Ellen
I do not know Phyllis Schafley, but Lauren is entitled to voice her opinion here, as well as on other places as to who is and who is NOT a feminist. I believe a feminist is a person (who can be a man) who advances the position and rights of women. While most feminists are women, there are men who are feminists, just as there are women who advance the position and rights of men. I do not know what the word for that is, but I am sure others in the hive can tell us. My Dad is a feminist b/c he has always advanced my position and rights, but there is a big differnce between being a feminist and feminine. Gloria Steinem was both, as she was very pretty when she was young, but also advanced women’s rights. I met a woman in college who was an ardent feminist, but not feminine at all. So you can be either, both or neither! YAY!!!
Anon
Of course she’s an anti feminist icon. That’s what the show is about. Have you seen it? Lauren B’s point is very relevant. The show, which is very well done, covers the beginnings of the feminist movement in the 1970s.
Ellen
My Mom got this magazine and read it all the time when I was growing up and that did NOT make Dad happy. Dad said it was for women who could not find men, and she already had one (him). He told her to spend her money on other things, but she did NOT listen to him, and I am glad b/c even tho she never became a professional like me (having only a BA degree from Smith), she was alot smarter then most people (Men and Women), and she provided me with the foundation for becoming all that I am today!
In this vein, Congratulate me b/c the court has scheduled my first in person trial since last February! I am so excited b/c it seems like years ago, and I have multiple new outfits I have yet to wear b/c these are for court appearances only, and I have been effectively wearing sweatpants since March. The manageing partner and Frank will be making a special visit with me in court b/c we are goeing out with the Judge afterwards to celebrate! YAY!!!
Anonymous
Wow y’all, so someone misread something … what’s the big deal? IMO it was ruder of Lauren to insult literally everyone who has or grew up in a religious home.
anon
It’s not an insult to be glad you didn’t have a particular experience. I’m glad I don’t have kids, but that’s not a knock on everyone who has kids or was once a kid. Come on.
Anon
The Lauren b obsessed tr0l1/s are out in force today. Get a life, tr0l1s.
Airplane.
I’m also glad I didn’t grow up in a religious home and also glad I don’t have kids. It is not an insult to those who do. Come on do better LaurenB’s tr oll.
cbackson
I had a subscription as a teenager in the 1990s – I didn’t actually realize it was still published. But I was very active in lots of progressive causes from an early age.
I was raised in an extremely religious household too, but not a conservative one, and got a good education on all manner of aspects of history that are apparently not taught in a lot of schools. I’m quite lucky in that respect, although I didn’t realize how unusual it was until fairly recently TBH.
Maudie Atkinson
I realize this is kind of beside OP’s point, but yes, I have come to resent the notion that religious household (esp. Christian) equates to politically conservative. Growing up, we were in church every time the doors were open. Also, my dad was a union member and organizer. My parents were both feminist, pro-choice, and pro-social safety net, and both voted against our state constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the aughts (in the SEUS!). Their religious beliefs informed all of those choices; the choices weren’t in spite of those beliefs.
cbackson
Yeah, I always try to mention it when it’s relevant, because there are actually a lot of devout but liberal Christians. The Christian Right has done a very good job of creating the impression that being a faithful and orthodox Christian means being politically conservative, and the reluctance of liberal Christians to be open about their faith only reinforces that impression IMO…
Anonie
I am very late to the convo but, as a liberal non-denominational Christian, I appreciate you making this point!
Seventh. Sister
As an Episcopalian, I agree!
Anon
I subscribed in my twenties (in the late 80s to mid 90s). It helped me a lot.
Seventh. Sister
I’m in my 40s and found it in high school! I should subscribe – it’s such a good publication. It really opened my eyes as an ambitious, book-smart teenager who felt like a freak growing up in a small, conservative rural town in the early 1990s. It really helped me articulate why I didn’t like so many things that happened in high school – administrators who favored boys’ athletics, the appalling way that people were treated if they reported harassment, racist things people said about welfare mothers, etc. I grew up in a church-going household, but my parents’ real religion was Reaganomics, with a side of Schafly on my mom’s part.
Anon
I love me a tweed blazer, but this one? A sack of potatoes. No thanks.
Anonymous
I actually love this one! I have darker coloring, so neutrals like this are a go-to for me.
kk
I like it too! The longer length would look great over a silk t shirt with jeans for a more casual work place- sometimes the shorter tweed jackets I wear with dresses look kind of odd with jeans.
Emma
I like it too! I have shorter tweed jackets and they are cute with dresses but don’t work with jeans at all. I also like the color.
Anonie
I think it’s adorable! Sacks of potatoes must be much slimmer in the OP’s city haha.
Anon
I’m so sad you think that. This is the Chanel style blazer I’ve been looking for forever. Most of them are cut too short and boxy for tall me.
Gift amount for federal staff
Fed lawyer in DC here. What is an appropriate amount to give in an Amazon gift card to the support staff of our 15 person office (4 support staffers, 1 of whom I work very closely with)? I don’t want to be cheap, but the culture of fed land is not one of extravagance.
Anon
Are there ethics rules that limit the amount you can give to a trivial amount? I work in state government and there is a limit that would be applicable under my state’s ethics law.
anon
+1. The limit for gifts between employees at my agency is $10.
nuqotw
$25 is the max.
Anon
+1, I always did $25 as a Fed.
Sloan Sabbith
Thanks for reminding me to get our support staff a gift. ;)
anon
Sloan, what’s standard at legal aid? Sorry, not a stalker, but I think I might remember that’s where you work because I was following you when hired. I don’t have much of a relationship with anyone yet, but want to be nice anyway.
Sloan Sabbith
We split it between the attorneys so that it ends up with about $100 for the legal assistant. So with 2 attorneys on our team it was $50 each, which was not great my first year, making $30K net. Much easier with 4 attorneys. I usually got some sort of flowers or chocolate to go along with the gift card, which was almost always to Target.
Sloan Sabbith
If you’re the only person buying it, I would say $30ish to a coffee shop or Amazon or Target would be very appreciated. We just all go in on a team gift at my org.
Happy to chat more about legal aid if you want- my email is my username + e t t e at gmail.
Anon
I’m looking for a solid console bookcase (like a horizontal bookcase) that is fairly wide/long (about 50-60 inches). I’d like it to have real sides and a back. Any recommendations? I keep coming back to the Farmhouse Console Bookcase from Pottery Barn, but it isn’t available until next May and it has open sides.
Anon
Should have added that I am mainly interested in white, but open to other colors
Lilliet
I’m no help, but most office-like furniture will be delayed because everyone is setting up their home offices or remote-school workspaces. You can definitely compromise on quality and get something quicker, but most better quality more widely in-demand things will have a wait. But it will be worth the wait for the better quality things. I bet local furniture shops if you’re able to go visit would have things in stock, but that requires going in and hoping there’s something you like.
Anonymous
I buy wood case goods like this second hand. I can usually find a better quality piece for a similar price second hand by looking for those high end to the trade brands. I would try eBay
Anonymous
Second hand is where it’s at. Try FB marketplace and give it a quick coat of paint. High quality, low cost.
Anon
Ditto. Craigslist in the wealthier community adjacent to my city has pretty great furniture, as people redecorate entire houses at once and put things that are barely used, and not that old, on Craigslist for pennies on the dollar relative to the original price. Pre-Covid I would also frequent a couple of higher-end furniture consignment shops. Also, secondhand stores/flea markets often have older furniture that is better quality than even higher-end new furniture, and it generally just needs a coat of paint or a wipedown with Restor-a-Finish to look good again.
Veronica Mars
Bourdonnais bookcase from Ballard is in stock but it’s semi open in the back and sides. They also have a few other styles but more expensive.
Anonymous
Definitely look on craigslist and FB Marketplace. You will find much better quality there, at a fraction of the price – and available immediately. If necessary, there are tons of cottage workers who will now paint wooden furniture to your exact specifications – ask on NextDoor for local recommendations.
TheElms
Room and Board has some: https://www.roomandboard.com/catalog/living/console-tables/woodwind-30h-console-bookcases
Anon
+1 to room and board. I just got new bookcases from them yesterday and the difference from my Ikea ones is staggering. I got mine used on aptdeco, where I often see them come up.
BB
Woodwind bookcase from Room and Board if it’s in your budget. They have custom sizes, but there is a standard one that is ~70″ long and low.
anne-on
I’d check out Restoration Hardware Teen line, under the Media Storage and Bookcase section. It looks like they have lots of white/grey/whitewashed options. We have a number of bookcases/armoires from RH/RH Baby/RH Teen and find their quality very very good.
aBr
I got the modular walnut storage units from Crate and Barrel. Quality is pretty solid, fits binders, and fits about the size your are looking for. I got the ones with doors so everyone on zoom doesn’t see what’s stored in it. Fair warning – the units are pretty heavy so make sure to have them deliver to the floor they are going on.
Senior Attorney
If you want white, check out PB Teen. I’ve had good luck with white furniture from there.
Bonnie Kate
Since you’re in the price range of Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, and Restoration Hardware, I would check out a custom cabinetry or carpenter. In my area it would be a savings to go with a custom carpenter. We’re building a house right now and I avoided talking to custom cabinetry makers because I was positive they were out of my price range, but our builder basically insisted because he really didn’t want to install the big box cabinets I had been planning on. I was so happily surprised that they were only about 20% more from the big box cabinets installed, and they’re perfectly sized, custom, and way better quality. Granted I am in a rural low cost area and this was an Amish shop that did them, so you may not have same access, but I think it’s definitely worth a shot.
Seventh. Sister
I live in a VHCOL area and custom furniture in our area is about the same price as the fancy furniture stores. You have to be a little patient and it’s best if you can get a personal referral (my friend hooked me up with a great one), but they can make things that are very similar to the kinds of designs you find in brand-name stores.
As an aside, I grew up in an Amish-adjacent area and I’m so glad they’ve gotten into this business! Making it as farmers in the Mid-Atlantic is almost impossible at this point, and they are great craftspeople.
Anon
Do you have an unfinished furniture place in your area? They usually have lots of sizes of bookcases and if they don’t have what you’re looking for, they can make one to your specs. They usually also offer finishing services.
This is how I got my bookcase-lined “library” in my house (my home office, most of the time.)
Anonymous
Money questions – I grew up without much, so always appreciate a reality check!
I exoect to make partner in January at a small firm (I make 75k now, hope to hit 6 figures next year). In December, I usually give my assistant $100 cash plus a small gift like a book. What amount is appropriate this year? Is 200 ok? She’s worked hard remote and is rooting for me for partner. I also have no idea how much to give her after I make partner.
Anon
Given your current salary, $100 plus a small gift is fine.
Senior Attorney
Agreed.
Anonymous
Congrats! And follow up question – how are people getting their assistants (money) gifts this year? I usually hand mine a card with a gift card, but I hate sending gift cards through the mail, let alone cash or anything like that. Is an emailed gift card too gauche?
Anon
I have a similar issue as my firm does not allow cash or cash equivalent (gift cards) as gifts. I usually try to buy something generally universally liked and include a gift receipt in case it isn’t. I guess I could ask for her address and have it shipped direct to her house?
Senior Attorney
I think under the circumstances and emailed gift card would be fine.
Senior Attorney
an
LaurenB
In a pandemic era especially, I don’t see anything wrong with an emailed gift card. Everyone gets it. It’s more convenient than a paper/plastic one.
Anon
I own a small firm, and usually take home about $100K per year. How much should I give my assistants? I used to give them $100 gift cards plus a mug, candle, chocolates etc. but now I’m thinking that might be cheap? I am in a mid-COL area.
Senior Attorney
I think that would be fine, especially if you combine it with an extra day or two off.
Anonymous
Ladies talk to me about boundaries. Specifically what is your personal boundary regarding “being there” for your parents as they age but mentally protecting your own self so you don’t get to hear about (and worry about) every drs appointment and their angst about literally everything?
Example – mom wants a robot vacuum, asked dad to get it because deals were good. He waits until 9 pm last night, spends 2 seconds on this and then is like I can’t do this, it’s the wrong price in the cart. Mind you – mid 70s man who surfs the internet about 5 hrs/day, we’re not talking someone who doesn’t know how to use the internet, he just assumed someone else would do it. Knowing massive fighting is about to happen, I step in, order it and then their card gets declined – simple fraud hold on cyber Monday. Cue more freaking out from him — I just don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to handle things anymore, let’s just leave it be. I call the co, tell them it’s our purchase and hold lifted after 20 min on hold. Cue dad being upset for the rest of the night because he just didn’t know what to do, didn’t want to deal with it (he didn’t – he just fretted). Cue mom’s lengthy lecture to me later about being sooo worried about dad. And yes he’s sees drs, has had lots of testing — no dr says anything is going on; in fact they say, this is anxiety, live your life and have offered meds but he gives up on them in days. Both have decided drs just don’t know . . . . But instead of pushing oneself, sitting and worrying is an alternative (mom pushes but dad doesn’t and then she frets about him).
Part of me is like you’re exhausting me as a simple vacuum purchase that took 20 extra min which I dealt with — and oh btw I had worked all day (staying w them this week) which they have no regard for — now must lead to a 10 pm discussion of all of your life worries?! Which discussion is had ALL the time?
So when you get to the point where everything becomes SUCH an issue, do you just back off?
Anonymous
Unfortunately, you can’t really. Elder care is HARD and society has no appreciation for it. We often think of it as end of life things like toileting, but in my experience, it lasts for a decade or more before that when, yes, our parents get older and need help with things like choosing a Medicare plan and finding a specialist and finding the best deal on a roomba. You can cut them off re: drama (which I assume is easier when you’re not staying with them), but this type of hand-holding is only going to increase. And it’s so, so exhausting. It’s one of the downsides to long life that no one really talks about.
Anonymous
Dude. I totally misread the question. Sorry! I’ve managed to train my mom about politics by just being frank with her that I love her but we’re not going to agree on this, so let’s spend our time talking about things we like.
anon
Yes. My parents are your parents age and have similar issues and dynamics. Example…I am in the tech industry and much more knowledgeable about computers than they are. They have various issues due to lack of maintenance, user error, downloading files or opening emails they shouldn’t. After several situations like the one you described, I no longer agree to assist with the “technical problems”. Last time they asked for help I said no and suggested they might try a computer repair shop. Not sorry…they do not listen to my advice and expect me and others to clean up their messes. For that service, they can pay someone.
Anon
I’m glad you understand that this is not about the vacuum.
This is an issue for therapy. A good therapist can help you draw firm boundaries. Encourage your father to go to a therapist for his anxiety.
I’m going to throw this out there, given his age: is he a Vietnam veteran?
poiu
The 9pm time stood out to me. My father is older, and in much better shape mentally in the mornings. If possible, I’d try to push these interactions to earlier in the day to protect your sanity.
elderly parents
+1
Absolutely.
No important decisions, bill paying, purchases or even intellectual or stressful discussions etc.. happen after dinner at all for my Dad, who just turned 77. With aging, and add any depression/anxiety on top, the end of day fatigue is real and makes all mental/stressful tasks harder. You also let them fail sometimes, and most things are recoverable so you just have to learn to let it go. Sometimes you don’t get the best price. Sometimes you buy things on your credit card and they pay you back. Sometimes you just do all the work yourself and buy it to help your parents out. And you try to hold back your frustration, or go take a walk or step out of the room when you feel like you want to explode – because that only makes the situation worse and stresses out your father more.
And of course, all technical issues are easier for us than for our parents – no matter how brilliant they are – and of course at 9pm at night they will be more stressful and problematic. I would not abandon them regarding these issues, nonetheless.
My father also was the kind of guy who bought Xmas presents on Xmas eve and drove my mother crazy.
And with the pandemic going on, there is increasing anxiety for a lot of older folks. And you are probably stressed too, making these encounters worse.
I would try to start putting things into perspective, and listening supportively to your Mom. There is likely something going on with your Dad. Many, many elderly men become depressed/anxious with aging and go untreated, and many progress to dementia, which is more common in folks with untreated mental illnesses. It is incredibly difficult to get men your Dad’s age to accept treatment for mental illness. For many men, retirement is a depressing time as they lose their intellectual challenges, daily socialization at work, and realize they are now in the “final stages” of life. It took me about 5 years to get my father treated. It has made a world of difference
And just FYI – you are incredibly incredibly lucky if these are the most important problems you have with your parents currently. They are ahead of the curve, you know? You have two, relatively healthy living parents that are not divorced, in their 70’s, who are financially very well off if they are buying Roombas. My mother had already passed long before then and my father was severely disabled and I was (and still am…) dealing with managing all the financial issues AND the medical care… learning the nursing of catheters, wound care and stuff you don’t want to hear about much worse than that. And I worry about $$ every day.
I recommend a caregiving support group or if you think your father really has anxiety/depression, talking briefly to a therapist yourself to get some strategies on how to help him. I would also call his doctor and let them know confidentally your concerns, so it can be brought up at his next appointment. My father only accepted treatment when his doctor, who he trusts, suggested it.
And as a more simple idea, I would encourage your father to socialize with any friends from his past he still sees and/or restart a hobby and/or take a daily walk with your Mom for exercise and/or get a dog. All would help his mood. Talk with your Mom and which of those might be a good place to start.
You are so, so lucky…. you have no idea.
elderly parents
And time to hire someone to come clean their house once a month to take some pressure off your Mom.
Airplane.
I’m sorry this is happening. I hope you and your mom can have a frank conversation with your dad about how his anxiety is burdening you both and that he owes it to you both as his closest loved ones to treat his anxiety. It’s not OK to “give up” on anxiety meds in a few days and burden your loved ones with the effects of your mental health. It’s not ok for your dad to just “assume someone else will do it” when it comes to chores and purchases and admin of daily life and then freak out and be upset the rest of the night because he couldn’t accomplish something. Also, does he have an active life physically or socially? Is surfing the internet 5 hours a day negatively impacting him? I’m sorry your mom is lecturing you about this, she probably bears the brunt of this most and is unfortunately taking it out on you.
Anonymous
Omg this. He has basically just checked out of all the chores of daily life and expects my mother to handle them. She’s the same age age he’s running her ragged. She’s a more go go personality but come on. The only thing she really doesn’t do is tech so it isn’t all that unfair that you could spend 20 min on an online purchase asked for by the person who does everything else from cooking to taking out the trash to grocery shopping.
I understand why she unloads on me, but it’s gotten to be too much from both of them. She just hopes he’ll “snap out of it” and apparently lecturing everyone about it will do that. He’s made a life decision that until he feels perfect, it’s not his problem to do anything; and while I hope he feels perfect, reality is there are aches and pains and fatigue in aging. And I basically want to get on a plane and fly away and buy a house on some beach where I don’t hear about this multiple times a day.
anon
This is my parents. He is checked out and expects her to do everything. She unloads on me…but TBH this has been happening for years and just got worse as they age. She took care of everything for years and didn’t ask him to do anything and now she wants to complain and is hoping he will change? Insanity….you must set boundaries. They will be fine without a Roomba or whatever the next thing is or they will figure it out….they really will.
Anon246
This is my parents, as well. I think I took this mantra from someone here once: I am my parents’ child, not their therapist.
I don’t let conversations go to a place where I’m overly advice-giving or even listening to one complain about the other at length. I’ve encouraged my mom to talk to a therapist (she legitimately would never) but that’s truly all I can do as their adult child, aside from making sure basic needs are being met. It can be incredibly challenging at times, and I do feel for each of them respectively at various points in conflict, but I won’t get my mom to stop nagging, and I won’t get my dad to get off the couch or get his Type 2 diabetes in check, so I’m not going to expend the energy trying.
Airplane.
Yeah, he cannot just elect to stop doing anything to contribute until he feels perfect, he is actively treating his wife terribly. I hope she can come to the terms and give up hope he will snap out of it. He needs professional mental health help and likely medication. Honestly, you can help and suggest they confront this issue but unless and until they come to these two realizations and take action it is OK for you to maintain your own sanity by drawing clear boundaries and saying you don’t engage as a free audience for your dad’s fretting, freaking out or your mom’s lectures.
Anonymous
Why can’t you just let him buy the vacuum or not?
Anonymous
Because if it’s anything like my parents’ home and it sounds like it, the dude isn’t letting the cleaning lady enter the home because of the pandemic (even over the summer when their state was at 1-2% positive) but also isn’t doing any of the housework, thus expecting OPs mid 70 year old mother to do it all. She probably wants to make mom’s life easier given what she sees in their home.
Anon
This type of approach can get hard with aging parents. Her mom might need the robot vacuum because she’s not as able to use an upright vacuum anymore, so it’s a lot more difficult to just stand by and let them flounder with this. If that’s the issue, it’s not really fair that her mom should have to suffer because her dad got overwhelmed.
Anonymous
On the other hand, they’re more likely to recognize & treat problems if they’re the ones dealing with the consequences.
anon
Not necessarily. Both DH & I each have an elderly parent who would rather suffer in silence than … deal.
Anonymous
I agree on you have to step in sometimes whether you want to or not. The person upthread who isn’t helping them with laptop issues–I’m now dealing with identity theft management because when I left my mom to it she absolutely floundered. I don’t even know where to begin–she was picking her phone number as her passwords, clicking on malware. She almost gave her bank account info to someone (her bank stopped her), which is how I knew I needed to step in. (Killing me that all the coaching I tried prior on identity protection clearly didn’t sink in one bit.) The problem is, as you age, you’re just not as sharp as you used to be. You can be super smart in some things and just radically out of our league with others (like tech). Poor health, being tired or being stressed make it worse. It’s not just an issue of laziness like when someone is in there prime (my mom has been one of the hardest workers I know!).
Anonymous
Is this an issue when you are not staying with them? If it just cropped up because you are actually there, I would stay out of it. My parents also have anxiety issues and are in their mid 70s. I don’t think they are going to change. They don’t want to. So it’s their business.
Anonymous
Big picture — whatever qualities you have when you only get more “severe” when you get older. So in my parents’ home 30 years ago a routine credit card hold would be an issue — omg let me call customer service; I don’t believe them let me speak to their manager; I’m going to call them again tomorrow just to make sure etc. Now at age 70+ yes it would lead to an anxious mess/let’s just not buy the thing, even after it’s been explained dozens of times that it’s just what CC companies do to protect you on heavy shopping days. Thing is the anxiety was always there — it’s just more extreme now because they can keep fretting about it without having to be like ok I have to go to work now, I need to pick up the kids from school etc.
anon
This….100%.
Anon
I had a looooong conversation with a coworker about this yesterday, we both have parents in their 70s and the level of contact needed is ratcheting up. Like the proverbial boiling a frog. I feel fortunate in that my parents are still in good shape, but my mom’s memory is starting to slip a little (it’s not dementia, she’s been checked out) and similar to what another poster said below, nighttime is not the best time for her to do anything complicated.
For me, for my own sanity, it’s been important to figure out my boundaries and also communicate about them clearly to my parents, so there aren’t unspoken expectations on either side about what’s going to happen as they get older. They live 8 hours away from me – they moved away by their choice – and after they moved, I was really clear with them about the following:
– As you two age, I will come visit, but not every time I take time off, and when I and my family come to visit, we will stay in a hotel, and not with you.
– I will help you figure out your healthcare as best I can from a distance, but if one of you gets seriously ill/starts declining, I am not going to ping-pong back and forth between my home and your city to help you. If you are willing, I will help you move back to my city so I can be closer to you and assist.
– I am not moving in with you to care for you, and you are not moving in with me either. I will find caregivers or we will find residential care for you (fortunately, they have plenty of assets to pay for this).
– We are not going to skimp on your end-of-life residential situation or care so you can save money to pass down to my brother and I; if we have to spend every last cent of your assets making sure you are taken care of, that’s what we’ll do.
I was clear and told them that if they had a problem with any of this, they needed to speak with my younger brother (who is, shall we say, vocationally challenged and has been taking money for basic living expenses from them for years) about what he was willing to do for them.
For me, this is the bottom line: my parents retired early on public pensions, plus they had always been frugal and so they have considerable additional savings. I don’t have a pension; whatever I have to live on in retirement will come from money I am earning and saving now. So I can’t quit my job and take care of them without compromising my future, not to mention the futures of my husband and son. I’m willing to help, but OP, I am not willing to be an emotional dumping ground/unpaid therapist. They’ve made some life choices (including retiring early, developing no hobbies or social network, and moving away from the community where they had social connections) that I think are contributing greatly to the boredom and isolation they are experiencing now, which is contributing to both physical and mental health issues. They have to own their choices and the consequences of them. They still have enough marbles to make different choices, if push comes to shove. They’re adults and I’m an adult, and very honestly, they did not sacrifice much in raising my brother and I (that’s a whole other, very long post, but my story is definitely not like others I’ve heard here, of immigrant or single parents having to work multiple jobs to put kids through school). There was some emotional abuse and neglect when I was growing up that lead me to a place where I see it as my duty to make sure they are taken care of. I do not see myself as having a duty to take care of them myself, directly. There’s a difference, and knowing that difference is important.
anne-on
Wow, this rings SO true to me. My parents are about to enter their 70’s and are very closely entwined with my brother’s family and this lays out very clearly how I (and my husband) see and articulate our responsibilities to them (minus the moving them to our area, that’s a no go).
JustmeintheSouth
I can empathize. My Mom & Dad are late 80’s, and live on their own. They had become selfish and needy. I do grocery shopping once a week, and am happy to help and keep them home with COVID around. This is easy. The difficulty is with the problems created by them–like your vacuum — that aren’t real problems and are all about anxiety. Often they are fighting with one another like kids. They do not have real dementia, but have slowed down & Covid has accelerated this. It is hard! I do not think many people realize that dealing with older parents will be such a challenge- I certainly had no concept.
My only advice is (1)try to laugh about the things that happen when possible, (2) remember that they had to deal with you when you were 2 years old and a terror LOL. (3) remember how glad you are that they are still here- ask there advice about things in your life my parents are always looking for ways to be useful.
I have to remind myself (often) that it is an honor to help my elderly parents have the best life they can now- I can’t make them happy, but I can be there.
Yes I learned that from therapy- it helps.
Be strong.
Anonymous
I just have zero problem telling my dad I can’t help with something at a particular time. So for this I would have said “it’s 9pm I can’t do this now. Why don’t you try tomorrow morning or I can take a look on Saturday.” And then I end the call. I love my dad, he took care of me, my mother died, and I’m happy to help. And what keeps me being happy to help is maintaining my boundaries. And now he knows that I have other things going on and doesn’t expect that I’m always available.
anon
I feel your pain as I spent 15 minutes on the phone with my mom as she discussed all the drama over when a bank draw on an automatic payment got rejected last week (she spoke to no less than 4 people, including the bank and at the company). My advice – my mom is a talker. When this stuff comes up, I just put my phone on speaker and mute it while my husband makes funny faces of confusion as the story is being told. Because, if you don’t laugh you will cry and teaching my mom to “let it go” is a lost cause.
Anon
This is going to sound super snarky – but my parents took care of me for 22 years and then spent 5 or so being my sounding board and helping me navigate being an adult. And then were my emergency back-up child care for another 10 years. And they did all of that while also caring for their elderly parents. So if I spend twenty or so years paying that back, we still will not be even.
But one thing I am learning from this board is that my relationship with my parents is a blessing.
Anonymous
+1000
Anonymous
Eh. Parents CHOOSE to have kids knowing what infancy, toddler hood etc. require.
Duckles
Right! Even if your parents are great, kids did not choose to exist, and owe their parents nothing as a result. That’s not to say it’s not nice to help, if you want to— but their feeding you/raising you/educating you was not a decision you made and not one you have to pay back.
Anon at 3:27
And that is where we fundamentally disagree. I believe strongly that you DO owe your parents as long as they were not monsters. There are obviously limits. I am not giving money to someone who frittered theirs away or letting someone pathological make me feel terrible about myself. But helping them buy a robotic vacuum or deal with CC companies or other basics? Listening to my Mom vent for the 1000x about something? I would 100% feel obligated to do that.
Especially because they never once said or even implied “hey – you are 18. Deal with it yourself.” Their love and care did not end when their legal obligation as parents did.
Anon
+1000
Anonymous
One thing to remember is for the most part, it is not going to get better. By that I mean that unless the increased anxiety/decline is fixable by changing meds, people decline as they age. My Mom is 87 — still very “with it”, but I can show her how to do things on the computer and the next time I go there, I will show her again. So, I have to approach things differently. I’m making some picture instructions for things like this now, so she had something to refer to. If the steps don’t work as stated, I will have to “fix it” the next time I’m there. It’s tough. I have the ability to throw $$$ at problems, but most of the time she doesn’t want the solution I suggest, so I try to think of another way.
Help My Hair
Despite all my best efforts (only washing my hair every 3 days; stopping color treatments; gentle cleansers and conditioners) the bottom third of my hair is like …straw. I know I need to get this cut off – there is no salvaging this – but what are your best tips for preventing this type of damage in the future? Do supplements help? Hair masks? Is this a sign of aging?
Help.
Go for it
It sounds like you need 6-8 week dusting (1/2”) trims. As soon as you see dryness get it done.
Not sure of your hair type. I can say blow drying does a number on fine hair.
Anonymous
OP – should have mentioned – air drying only. Agree with need for more frequent trim, although currently in an area with out of control Covid cases, so have been foregoing regular trims. Hair is.. thick-ish, lots of wave.
Go for it
If you do not have layers, get a professional hairdresser scissors & have someone cut it at home, or you could utube how to. I was told the longer one keeps the split ends, that more hair has to get cut to clean things up.
Second olaplex!
Airplane.
This is probably genes, honestly. If you still want to combat this, have you used deep conditioning treatments like Olaplex Step 3 and dry oil for hair? If not, I’d give it a try.
BeenThatGuy
Yes, hair dries out as you age, along with everything else in the body (sigh). Frequent cuts, less heat and a good hair mask has been crucial for me to keep my hair soft. I ‘ve recommended this hair mask before: https://us.davines.com/products/nourishing-vegetarian-miracle
Anon
Do you know if this product falls within the CurlyGirl product protocols? Thanks.
Abby
if you visit CurlScan you can look up any products to see if it’s CGM approved. Also, OP – not sure if you have curly/wavy hair or straight, but if it’s curly, CGM has revived my hair. There’s a balance for protein & moisture, and while my hair is still a work in progress, my ends have never been healthier.
Anon
No heat drying, no heat styling, sulfate-free shampoo. I haven’t had a haircut since last autumn, but my ends aren’t dry. I do take some supplements (and thyroid meds) for other medical conditions including to avoid dry eyes, but am not sure what their effect is on this; my hair was definitely worse when my thyroid condition was undiagnosed though.
Anon
That’s just how my hair is and always has been.
Anon
I cut my hair from below shoulder length to above shoulder length this weekend. I did it myself. It’s not perfect but I let it air dry and it has a small amount of wave so that hides a multitude of sins. I just parted my hair in the middle, brought both sides to the front as if I was going to make pigtails, then cut the bottom off each hank of hair. It’s fine. I’ve trimmed a couple of places that I missed since then, but it’s just fine. When you do it this way, the back will be a little longer than the front and I was also ok with that.
It really helped because I was also cutting off old grown out highlights that were brassy, even though I colored over them. I didn’t think my hair was particularly damaged but having a new blunt edge makes it so much more healthy looking.
My scissors are tweezerman hair cutting scissors. I cut my own long bangs and my teenage son’s hair regularly, and I’ve even recently cut my teen daughter’s curly hair, which was its own challenge but she really likes it.
Anon
Olaplex 3
Mal
For me, any lightening of my hair (so, color lighter than my natural color that requires bleaching) causes significant damage, and doesn’t do away. If your bottom 3rd of your hair is old colored hair…maybe just chopping it off and bot coloring again is the answer!
Anonymous
Thanks for those who posted on my mom Christmas present ideas yesterday! I was intrigued by the idea of a zoom cooking class we could take together- any suggestions? Great ones you have taken, ones to avoid?
Anonymous
Have heard good things about Bake With a Legend.
Anon
I’ve done several. I have used both TravelingSpoon and CozyMeal. I liked the TS ones best. They typically do in-person food tours/cooking classes and are primarily based in the EU. The classes are private and I have enjoyed all the instructors. The downside is it can be hard to schedule due to time zones. CozyMeal is okay. The classes are public, so it is a different experience. It is US-based so may be easier to schedule.
Anonymous
Not the OP, but can I ask a follow-up question about TravellingSpoon? It looks so great, and I really think this is a lovely Christmas present for somebody I know. (Thank you so much for recommending it!)
I will get it and hope for the best, but it seems impossible to find the technical information on the website for video classes. Did you you Zoom? Skype? a different solution? Could you give input on the choice, or was it the host that decided?
The Party Line/Henrietta Red
Huge fan of Julia Sullivan’s The Party Line/Henrietta Red cooking classes. She does a great job and the food is amazing.
Cotton shirt
I had to throw away the button down shirt that has been a staple for me for years because it got a huge hole in it. A bought a new one but (sorry this is gross) it easily shows when I sweat. I don’t work out but I guess I sweat a lot just on a normal day. Does the type of cotton that the shirt is made of affect this? I just ordered one from a different brand made with Supima cotton and am hoping for a better result. Has anyone dealt with this and have other recs? Thanks!
Airplane.
warning…
Go for it
Yup
Kat G
Just FYI from Kat – we’ve looked into this and I’d be surprised if this is our “cotton shirt troll.” Thank you to everyone for reading!
To the OP – it could be the type of cotton (like a poly blend) that doesn’t let you breathe. There are actually a ton of products to help “contain” armpit sweat — search on Amazon. We’ve updated the links relatively recently for our last roundup of the best women’s dress shirts.
https://corporette.com/best-women-dress-shirts/
OP
OP here – thank you Kat and I am so sorry for causing concern about this!
Anonymous
Why don’t you guys officially report it?
Cat
The way to report is posting a phrase that goes straight to m-d — so you wouldn’t be able to see the people that are doing that. No harm in flagging it to everyone too, right?
Anonymous
Agreed. Don’t take the bait people!
OP
Y’all sorry – this is the OP and it is a real post. Didn’t mean to offend though.
Sarabeth
My rec would be to wear an undershirt with cap sleeves. If you *really* sweat, try one of the Numi ones.
Jeffiner
Wear a sweatproof undershirt, like Numi or Thompson Tee.
Anon
Is the material noticeably thinner than your old shirt? I agree that it could be polyester content making you sweat. Try thicker 100% cotton.
Anon
Ps it doesn’t have to be supima cotton. I do like supima/Pima cotton, but it’s just smoother than non-Pima cotton, and wouldn’t have any effect on sweating or sweat showing. If anything, supima fabric may be thinner because they can use smaller, finer threads with longer staple cotton like Pima. (To clear up any confusion, Supima is a brand name of Pima cotton.)
OP
The old shirt was J-crew and I wish I had looked at the exact material on the label before I threw it away! The new shirt was a splurge for me from Vineyard Vines and doesn’t have any information on the label about the type of cotton. I don’t think I am an excessive sweater but I will look into the Numi undershirts – wish they weren’t so expensive! And maybe I will get lucky and the other shirt I ordered will work out (from Brooks Brothers – I thought maybe if I spent a bit more that would help with quality lol)
Anon
I use Uniqlo heat tech or airism shirts (depending on the season) underneath shirts like these and sweaters that I don’t want to wash. You can usually get them for around $10 a piece, but I think they also do regular sales. I replace them once every two years or so.
Anonymous
Can anyone recommend a good tailor in NoVA? (Alexandria/Arlington preferably) I have a couple nice work dresses (remember those?!) that need some darting that is apparently more complex than my dry cleaner can handle. Thanks!
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
I have used Reeds Custom Tailoring on Lee Hwy in Arlington for suits and dresses when I need more than simple hemming. He has done good work in the past and as long as I remember to Speak Up at the fitting, I’ve been very pleased. He is not cheap, however. I once spent $60 tailoring a $60 (sale price) dress, but then wore it about every two weeks for 4+ years, so…totally worth it in the end.
Anon
Swank USA. They’re excellent tailors and I bring them all my dresses and formalwear.
Flats Only
I have used Kim’s Custom Tailoring in Springfield for this type of work for many years. They are located next to, but not in, the Mall. There is good parking there, and you could also walk from the Metro if you don’t mind a long-ish stroll. They aren’t cheap, but the work is spot on and the turnaround time is good.
anon
What are your favorite ways to get in the holiday spirit/enjoy the season? I’m excited about the holidays and want to do a ton of stuff but honestly never really celebrated anything growing up/didn’t have real family traditions
anon
So many things! Listening to Christmas music while drinking hot cocoa, watching all the Christmas movies, driving around to look at holiday lights, baking and decorating cookies, church services (virtual this year), decorating the house, wrapping gifts with music blaring and a glass of wine by my side. None of this is particularly unique, but it all gets me into the spirit of the season.
pugsnbourbon
There are about … seven holiday songs, total, that I can tolerate (thanks, past retail jobs!). My ritual for the last few years has been listening to those songs and wrapping presents (bourbon is my drink of choice, obvs).
Anon
Watching Christmas movies for sure.
Airplane.
Watching old favorite holiday movies for comfort, watching new holidays movies for laughs or to roast, depending on quality. Doing this with hot apple cider and cinnamon stick in the evening with some fancy truffle oil topped popcorn and other snacks instead of a sit down dinner. Some years we get a iberico or serrano ham and carve it instead of traditional Christmas dinner. I treat myself to stroopwaffel placed on top of a cup of coffee in the mornings while listening to holiday music.
I am contemplating a new exciting tradition this year – I’m going to make effinbradio’s Negoni jello recipe in a fancy mold, cut some cubes, put it in a champagne coupe class and pour some bubbles around it.
anonshmanon
not gonna lie, when stroopwaffels appeared at my costco, I got reallly excited. I find that they are not quite as good as the Daelmans that you get at Target, though. They take too long to melt. Tiny violin for my suffering…
Airplane.
Ha, I love the costco ones! Will have to try the Daelmans. I don’t actually like them to melt so I might stick with costco.
Anonymous
There have been a LOT of threads on this lately so you can probably get more good ideas if you do a search. Getting a nice tree is the obvious one, but that’s the one that really bumps up the spirit for me.
Vicky Austin
If I’m home in December, all the holiday lights are on. Don’t care what time of day it is. But there’s something really delightful and cozy about being by the lit tree when it’s dark outside. And I usually beat my husband home, and I love having the lights on for him to drive up and see.
Emma
I Just opened the first day of my Advent calendar and it’s put me in a great mood!
holidays
+1
I also now buy Advent “calendars” for me and for my brothers / their families. There is a little excitement every day, opening one of those “windows” to see what is behind it. For one brother and his step kids (who are v. young), they have a Star Wars legos advent “calendar”, and for the other brother/nephew (older) there is a little puzzle every day to solve. My advent calendar is chocolate, of course.
Otherwise, it is a few family baking traditions that are made every holiday (usually sweet and labor intensive), the Charlie Brown Xmas album (the only Xmas music that doesn’t make me ill….) and putting up twinkling lights.
Anon
Decorating the house. At this point we’ve built quite a collection of Christmas decor items, but build slowly – that’s the fun of it. “Remember when we bought these little houses? The kids were so little” etc.
We do play some Christmas music but we only like early recordings of a lot of songs, so for instance Bing Crosby doing White Christmas, Judy Garland doing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, so we have a bunch of really old stuff. For some reason, it never gets tiring or repetitive for us, whereas say Jessica Underwood singing one of those songs would get on my nerves around the second time I heard it.
Anon
I hit enter too early. My imaginary recording of Carrie, not Jessica, Underwood singing White Christmas just pissed me off.
We also have everyday Christmas dishes. This is huge for my kids. We bring them out the day after thanksgiving and we put them away on New Year’s Day. We do it every year. They’re not just for the Christmas dinner. We eat on them every meal for a little over a month.
This year I made Alton Brown’s real egg nog. I made it at the end of October and we broke into it when the Christmas dishes came out. It’s a grown ups only beverage but my kids (18,20) each tried it. It’s amazing. Apparently it gets better the longer it sits in the fridge but I don’t think our second jug will make it all the way to the 25th.
Anon
Good morning! Can this lovely group recommend an estate/will lawyer in Detroit or Ann Arbor, for my elderly relative who thinks a hand-written set of instructions is sufficient…
Anonymous
Tidbit that doesn’t answer your question: In some states, a handwritten will is sufficient! (They’re called holographic wills and I’m not barred in Michigan, so I don’t know if they’re accepted there.)
CPA Lady
Just because you can doesn’t mean you should, though.
Maybe (maaaaayybe!!!) it’s fine if your state allows it, if all beneficiaries are going to agree to whatever is in the will. If there is even some slim chance of anyone being unhappy enough to contest the “handwritten instructions”, I’d 100% get a lawyer to write an actual will. Especially if the handwritten instructions go significantly against whatever the state’s intestate statutes are.
I do a lot of estate taxes and I’m having flashbacks to all the disasters I’ve had to handle for estates with decedents who had complicated tax situations but cheaped out and used turbo tax with no understanding of things like passive loss carryovers or depreciation or publicly traded partnership disposals. I’ve had to spend tons of time (and the estate’s money) on fixing the problems. There are so many similar stories with the estate admin side of things as well. It’s like that saying about how if you think it’s expensive to hire an expert, try hiring an amateur. The fees associated with a legal battle over handwritten instructions can eat up the cost of proper will prep in the blink of an eye.
Emma
I’m in a jurisdiction which allows for holographic wills but they are ALWAYS a bit mess to deal with. People don’t draft them properly, aren’t familiar with the consequences of their decisions, and they almost always end up in some kind of probate battle. It’s really worth hiring a person to do it properly.
Anon
The cobbler’s children have no shoes and the attorney’s child has a handwritten will to deal with, at least in my case. At least my parents probably know what should definitely be in there.
Anon bar exam will
Same! I know enough to cobble together something ok, but annoying to administer. I’ll get proper estate law planning with a trust when I get older, but I don’t really want to deal with a full proper estate plan for now.
OP
Wow, I had no idea. I teased her “Haven’t you read your Agatha Christie?” Yes, apparently a holographic will in Michigan will work, provided it’s entirely in the testator’s handwriting. Reason I think she should do a proper will is she owns some real estate. I appreciate the recommendation for Mr. Papasifakis, though I wouldn’t mind more than one for “shopping around.”
Anonwill
We used the estate/trust department at Clark Hill a few years ago – the attorney we worked with was in Birmingham: Nicholas Papasifakis.
anon
I am relocating and starting a new job and the firm is paying for packing service. I am too cheap to actually pay for someone else to pack me so I’ve never had this before and I am lost.
What do I need to do ahead of time to make it successful? What do I pack on my own? Any hints?
Anonymous
When the military does full service moves, you do literally nothing – except the usual pre-move pruning that we all do – and they do everything. Make sure to empty your trash cans so they don’t pack those full (yep, happens). And set aside a Do Not Pack area so your overnight bag doesn’t end up on the moving truck. I’d call the moving company and chat with them.
InHouse Anon
As a military spouse, generally agree with this…but our prep always takes a couple days. There’s packing, since you may be without your goods for a few weeks, then there’s putting aside all the candles, cleaning supplies, open food containers and potted plants that the movers won’t take…as well as marking anything that will stay with the house. Like appliances. (We’ve had friends whose movers packed washer and dryer that were supposed to stay behind!) Which reminds me — you should also supervise the movers as much as possible. We put blue painters tape on anything that should not go in the truck. Definitely provide lunch and bottled water, and a nice tip at the end of the day.
Anon
Packing services are great! They will pack everything in sight though, so empty your trash and set aside what’s going with you. Pack up your suitcases of what you don’t want in the moving truck like you’re going on a trip, and lock them up in your car, or in a bathroom with a Do Not Enter sign. Board pets for the day to keep them out of the fray. Plan for it to take a little longer than the estimated time. Offer to buy lunch and have water bottles available for the packers too.
Airplane.
+1 packing services are the best. Will never move without one again. Make sure your list of stuff for over night bag/boxes that you pack yourself and go in your car/plane with you include a towel (and a shower curtain if you need one in your new place) so you can shower off your gross travel day as soon as you arrive. Paper towels and a robe and a bottle of wine are also nice. The best feeling arriving late at night at our new place was a hot shower, ordering pizza delivery and eating it out of the box on paper towels on the bare ground of the living room with a bottle of bubbly before the next day of hectic unpacking and chores. I realize if you are staying at a hotel before you go to the new place this doesn’t apply.
Ellen
The other OPs are right. When I moved back from DC to NY, Dad hired a packing service for me, but warned me to pack and carry my own valuables (i.e. Jewelery, Computer Disks with info that I did not want to loose, money and traveler’s checks) b/c he knows those things tend to get “lost”. So I did and they packed everything that was in my apartement, including stuff I would have thrown out, but they don’t know that and pack everything they see, including the toilet paper and soap from the toilet. I also arranged for a Pizza to be delivered (with soda) before they left, b/c those guys work hard, and they were very happy to get it, tho they had to reuse the napkins b/c they had already packed away the TP from the toilet! Dad got a great laugh out of that!
Cat
Thread here – https://corporette.com/tweed-short-sleeve-fit-flare-dress/#comment-4093394
MJ
Strong recommendation–insist the boxes be lined with clear plastic garbage bags and purchase some in advance for the packers to use. I have done three cross-country moves. Trucks leak. One storm is all that’s needed for your stuff to get wet and sit mildewy for days as it makes its journey. It takes almost no time to line and it worth it.
Highly recommend you go through your junk drawers, piles of paper (if any) and toiletries in advance because that’s where I always realize “why was I saving this?!?”
Anon
Does your house have to be spic and span, neatly organized? Do they pack by room? I’m interested in using a packing service for an upcoming move, but I’m also afraid they’d judge me. My condo isn’t messy in terms of unsanitary or a hoarder’s paradise, but the closet is pretty cluttered/disorganized.
Anon
I don’t think they care, they’ve seen it all.
Pack any valuables that would give you anxiety over being outside of your control- like I keep my nice jewelry and any sentimental items with me and don’t put them on the truck. They can pack the rest and they will pack everything so get rid of anything you might not want.
anon
Another question about whether this would be a sibling overstep …
Would it be out of bounds to buy my sister a winter coat as a Christmas gift? My siblings and I stopped doing Christmas gift exchanges several years ago when all of us had tiny kids and were short on cash around the holidays. We live in the Midwest, it’s flipping cold out, and she doesn’t have a winter coat. She’s wearing a fleece jacket even when it’s 20 degrees out. She knows she needs a better coat but has put off purchasing one because a) she has some severe body image issues and fears looking lumpy (her word) in a winter coat; and b) reading between the lines, finances are tight, due to some medical issues her family has dealt with this year.
Her life is hard right now for a number of reasons, and I’d like to do one tiny thing to make her a little more comfortable. I can’t count on my BIL stepping in to make things better, unfortunately. But extravagant gift-giving is not our family culture, and I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable or like I’m giving her charity. What to do?
anon
could you give it in a way that wasn’t in front of your entire family? or would everyone be there to see her open it
anon
No, I’d definitely give it to her privately.
Curious
I think this is where we do the super midwestern thing of buying something you can pass off as an impulse purchase on super sale. There’s no way you can get away with a fancy coat. But “this was on super sale at Costco and I just thought the color would look so nice on you”? You know that’s our tried and true tactic for getting someone to take a gift without hurting their pride :)
You sound like a sweet and caring sister and I’m so glad you’re thinking about this.
anon
Ha, you have nailed the Midwestern ethos.
Vicky Austin
Ha! An excellent situation to deploy that time-honored tactic. I think you can get away with it, OP.
pugsnbourbon
+1. “I was at Macy’s and you wouldn’t believe what was on the clearance rack” or “you know that really depressing Sears at the mall? They had just ONE of these left at 50% off!”
It looks like Land’s End is 60% off everything today, including coats. I had a down coat from there that lasted 15 years.
Also agree that you are a good sister.
Anon
+ 1
That or the “I bought it for myself, but it doesn’t quite fit and I just missed the return window so please take it so it stops collecting dust in my closet “
Anonia
“I bought this on sale, but the color/fit/style just didn’t work for me and but maybe it would work for you?” Standard in our midwestern area. The other thing that happens is to sell something at a ridiculously low price, saying you bought on super sale, and just want a little bit back. She might go for that
LaurenB
This is all so passive. You want to do something nice for a sister, just do it.
Anonymous
Cultural norms are a thing & it is possible to respect those that are different from yours.
Anon
Know your people, though. Obviously OP doesn’t think that would be the best option in this scenario. Family dynamics can be so complicated.
Vicky Austin
Disagree. You do what’s best for the relationship. I would not want to get my sister a winter coat at the cost of her trust in me to respect her feelings.
Sunshine
I think it would be a lovely thing to give to her. On November 25, CapHillStyle featured a coat she swears is the warmest jacket ever and it’s $60. What about something like that so your sister gets a coat but it isn’t a super spendy gift? I’ll reply here with the link to the post.
Sunshine
https://caphillstyle.com/capitol/2020/11/25/the-find-the-warmest-jacket-ever.html
Anon
She’s from Montana so I’d trust her judgment on warm coats!
anon
OP here. Something like this might work. It also looks like Columbia is still running Cyber Monday sales, so that might be a good option.
Anon
Not all winter coats are all that expensive! I’ve been given warm jackets as a gift before and appreciated it. My midwestern family shops at places like Target and outlet stores. Something like a J Crew Thinsulate coat would feel extravagant.
But if she wants to be warm in a fleece jacket, silk long underwear might do the trick.
Aunt Jamesina
The J.Crew Thinsulate wool coats still aren’t nearly as warm as a down puffer and aren’t up to January weather in most of the Midwest.
Anon
The above suggestions (private and “I found this on ridiculous sale”) are great.
Find a coat that is streamlined and would look good on her figure. Some winter coats are very flattering.
Anon
We did something similar to this for my MIL last year. She had nothing but a hoodie. Us and my SIL bought her a nice coat at REI together. The key for us was to not buy something that was a recognizable brand name like Patagonia, etc., so that she wouldn’t think it was too expensive. (She is not the type of person to google a gift after she receives it). We ended up getting her an Arcterx jacket, which is fine for all winter in the SEUS where she lives. For your sister, you may want to look at the Uniqlo puffers– they aren’t that expensive but are very warm.
Anon
Have to laugh at avoiding Patagonia but buying Arcteryx! Sounds like you got her a great coat!
Anon
Seriously. I’m a pretty outdoorsy person and generally want to buy good quality gear, but Arc’teryx is way overpriced unless you’re literally a mountain climber.
Anon
I don’t have any Arc’teryx because I’m balling on a budget, but a few coworkers (who are self pronounced gear hounds) have their stuff for field work (which can be outside for 12+ hours in cold, rain, etc)
Anonymous
OMG – thank you for the laugh! I (literally) laughed out loud and slapped my chair for the idea that Arc’teryx could be passed off as off-brand. So great. You are lovely daughters-in-law. :)
To the OP – your solution sounds great, and the way you’re approaching this is very sensitive and sensible. <3
Bonnie Kate
Echoing the advice to buy her a not super expensive coat (that linked Amazon Essentials coat looks awesome), give it to her privately and play it off as something you got on sale.
If you want to do a little something more, you could try and anonymously slip her some cash. When times were a lot tighter financially for my sister with small children I would leave $100 cash in an unsigned Christmas card with her name on it on her doorstep – I did this for maybe 4 years? To this day I assume she doesn’t know it was me as I didn’t tell anyone about it (some years not even my husband) but I know it was appreciated via a social media post she made.
LaurenB
I don’t see a winter coat as being extravagant (unless it’s a Canada Goose or somesuch). It’s a necessity. Get one for your sister and don’t be bound by “Midwestern gift culture” whatever that is.
Anon
You’re being so oblivious here, Lauren.
Anon
Anon, why are you so awful to LaurenB. Sheesus, lay off. You’re being insane! This is why people switch to anon handles, so they don’t have to endure abuse like yours! Wow.
Anon
I’m not the one who follows Lauren around, I just think she’s totally wrong in this instance and she was told graciously why above! Chill out my dude.
pugsnbourbon
Right, but if money is tight then even necessities may be out of reach. She’s trying to be generous with her sister without hurting her feelings – it can be a fine line.
Anonymous
You’re too kind. I think this needs no explanation & I’m baffled.
anon
LaurenB, you’re coming across as really dismissive here. Can’t you trust that in my family, a winter coat IS an extravagant gift, unless it’s from someone like a parent? I know how much you seem to hate the Midwest and rural culture in general, but in my world, frugality is a feature, not a bug. It doesn’t take much to cross the line into “too much” and making people feel uncomfortable with your generosity. Generosity is often granted in a different way than through material gifts.
You all will be happy to know that I found a highly rated Columbia coat on super sale for ~$70 and can pass it off as having Amazon cashback to burn — which is 100% true. I am having it shipped directly to her house to surprise her. I have never done anything like this, but I truly hope it makes her day/week a little bit better.
Anon
I think it’s a nice idea but if the size that would really fit her is a number that would further trigger her body issues, whether that’s a 12 or a 3x, tread carefully. Especially if it’s a lot bigger than the size you would buy yourself.
I have a friend who has body issues and who had a step mom who was like a size 2. My friend was an is an 8-10. Her stepmom loved to give her like size 14-16 things off the clearance rack and would say things like “you just seem so huge to me, I never know what size to buy!”
Not that you’re doing that at all! But just as an example of how that can be received.
anon
Oh, that’s baaad! And I totally get it. My mom is a petite size 2, and I’ve been a 10-12 my entire adult life. There is a seven-inch height difference between us. I mean this kindly, but she can pick the right style but rarely gets the right size. Luckily, my sister and I are close to the same size, although she’s more busty than I am. A coat that fits me is very likely to fit her.
Anon
Oh good! Then proceed! You are very thoughtful.
Anon
That’s the stepmom being a horse’s rear, not the friend’s failing. “You just seem to huge to me” is a bald-faced insult.
Anon
Of course it is. The stepmom was an ass. But I’m just saying to tread carefully with someone who has body issues. Especially if the correct size is going to be triggering.
Curious
I just had an early miscarriage (week 5). I’ve done denial and anger and now am just tired and sad. I know it was really early and being able to conceive is a great sign and so on but… It would be comforting to hear others’ stories, if you’re willing. And they don’t need to end in a baby. I think I’m seeking hope that I can be a happy woman even if this never works out.
anon
I am so very sorry. I have been there — seven years ago, which is hard to believe — and I still remember that pain of being tired, sad, angry, and over it. It’s OK. Lean into it. You don’t have to “get over it” right away. Some people find great comfort in memorializing the loss. If that’s not your style, it’s perfectly OK. You won’t ever forget it, but time does soothe things. Sometimes that grief still bubbles up, like on what would’ve been the due date, or seeing pictures of kids who were born around the time he/she would’ve been.
I promise you will feel happiness and light and joy again. Big hugs.
Vicky Austin
In case it helps, Meghan Markle just had an op-ed in the NYT where she wrote about the miscarriage she had this summer. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you find what you need to carry you through.
Seafinch
This particular stage is the worst in my experience, due to the uncertainty of what the future holds. I have had four miscarriages and am probably having my third in less than 12 months (and I carry doomed pregnancies for three months so it drags on) and am aging out of options. I have found the emotional cycle will work itself out and my biggest hurdle is to just let it be rather than trying to expedite it. But it aggravates me and makes me tense and anxious and I just want the resolution of knowing what will be and what I have to do. I also get annoyed by life just continuing around me. I hate not being able to apply myself and to solve the problem. I feel your pain. It sucks. I am sorry.
Been there poster
Ugh seafinch. I’m so sorry. For me (“been there” who’s had two miscarriages recently) the biggest aggravation is being able to plan around this. What you said really hits home. I haven’t aged out of options but I am about to see a specialist. But I also miss being able to buy new clothes or plan for work and events (except less right now) around the timing of this kid we’ve been trying to have for a while. Hugs.
Curious
There are no good words but ugh I can’t imagine living in this harsh in between state for that long. And yes, not being able to buy clothes sucks. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel less alone.
Been there
I’ve had two of those (chemical pregnancies) in the last six months. Spoke to my doctor – high risk OB – about it and she wasn’t concerned at all. If you lose the pregnancy that early, that pregnancy was really not meant to be from the doctor’s perspective. She was actually surprised I’d taken pregnancy tests both times (but it was post missing my period?)
Anyway, I get that you’re sad. I was bummed. Meghan Markle’s recent op-ed had me in tears (trigger warning on that). But this IS a great sign. It’s actually the opposite of a time to have an “if this never works out” mentality – it means it really probably will.
Note I do already have a kid, so my perspective here is a bit different. But you want is a happy healthy child at the end of this and this pregnancy was not going to be that. Here’s hoping your next one will be. You didn’t mention your age. If you’re over 35 and have been trying for six months I’d still go ahead and reach out to a fertility specialist to make this dream happen. I’m probably doing that soon myself. Not what I’d planned, but it’s the end result that truly matters here.
Curious
Ha, I’m shocked your doctor thinks you wouldn’t take a test post missing period. But thank you so much :) you said just the right combination of things to make me feel seen and hopeful.
One more thing
I’m so glad. One other thing I forgot to mention – be sure to check in with your DH/partner at this time if you have one. They may be feeling equally upset but confused or unsure how to express it (and if not that’s fine too!) I was surprised how hard my DH has taken both my miscarriages but I shouldn’t have been. He’s an emotional guy.
Curious
Thank you. Yeah, he is sad. I also think he will do what a poster below mentioned — now he’s going to assume it will happen every time. But it’s a good point to make sure he’s processing and learning too.
Anon
Just chiming in with commiseration. I just had my second chemical pregnancy in three months.
Anonymous
I was in an airport at 5 weeks and started to bleed. And my flight home was delayed. And I was in Canada, so I’d have had to go to the ER to get an ultrasound (which wouldn’t have been definitive — it might be OK to have no heartbeat at 5 weeks, depending on dates). Every flush I felt like I had to check to see if there was a baby there. It was horrible, terrible, and I was alone. I made it home, and then to do the doctor and then an inconclusive ultrasound but the discovery of a subchorionic hemorhage (which I still cannot spell). Then a heartbeat. Then nothing. That was a month. I was just wrecked by it for a long time. I distinctly remember the bargaining stage of grief and I moved through all of them. It’s like nothing else — you join a sorority you didn’t want to pledge, but those are some strong women who will catch you now and then when you fall.
Curious
This sounds so lonely and hard. Thank you for being one of those strong women for me.
Anon
I’m here to give you the “it will be okay if it never works out” that you are looking for.
I went from never wanting kids to wanting kids to not getting pregnant to trying acupuncture and all sorts of woo. Then I did 3 or 4 IUIs and one IVF as we had no insurance for it and were paying out of pocket. None worked and I only got one embryo out of the IVF so I wasn’t hopeful to gamble on that again. Then we moved onto private adoption after a lot of ethical concerns and research so we could do it in a way that I felt was not coercive. We finally matched with a woman just short of a year but she miscarried and didn’t tell the agency right away because she wanted to keep getting money. Luckily, they figured it out when she wasn’t providing updated ultrasound pictures.
After that experience we were just done. We decided to lean into the child free lifestyle. The pandemic certainly helped. We treat our dogs like children. Pre-pandemic we took big trips and flew business class. We donate a lot of money. We are saving for an early retirement. It took me a lot of therapy to get through all of those things and get to this point. The hormones of fertility treatment really messed with my depression and I was afraid, even if we had insurance, to go through it all again. Actually, it was coming OFF the hormones that caused me the problems.
There are days that I am still jealous of other people’s success. There are days where I wish we had a baby to cuddle or a toddler to play with or a teenager to raise. Overall though, I think our lifestyle really works well child free. I was excited to be a mom when I started TTC at 33. Now at almost 40, I’m happy with my child free life.
To be clear to anyone that read quickly, I’m only providing this anecdote because OP said she wanted to hear from people that it will be okay if having a child doesn’t work out. I’m here to say it will not just be okay, you can still have a fabulous life. It will just be a different life than what you previously envisioned.
Friday
Not OP, but thank you.
Curious
Thank you.
Anonymous
I had a very traumatic end to a pregnancy, following which my chances of having children are basically zero. The thing that helped me the most was imagining the plans beyond Plan A. Plan A only seems like the best plan because it’s the only plan you’ve ever given any thought to. If you start imagining plans B, C, and D, in great detail, the way you used to focus on Plan A, they will become more familiar and less scary and it will be easier to imagine. I spend a lot of time thinking about other life trajectories (no kids! egg donor! fostering! whatever!) now and it helps a lot.
busybee
I’ve had two, including one after IVF. Still no baby after more than two years trying, so unfortunately no success story here. During IVF my mind was pretty solely focused on just that, and I realized I wasn’t appreciating all of the great things in my life. I re-started my “happy journal” where I write down one thing that made me happy each day. It has helped me.
Curious
I think I might do this. I already started lifting more in order to have something I can control during this process, and it did feel good Sunday and yesterday as it became clear what was happening to be able to say “not all the soreness in my body right now is this loss, some of it is from pushups”. Similar thing of just reminding yourself the world is bigger.
cbackson
I am so sorry. I miscarried my first pregnancy at 5 weeks. It was more painful – emotionally and physically – than I was prepared for. I was also almost 39, so really struggled with the fear that would be the only pregnancy I would ever have.
For me, the story did end in a baby – I conceived again on my next cycle, and that child is almost six months old. I really hadn’t fully processed my grief when I found out I was pregnant again, and struggled a lot with fear and anxiety for the first trimester or so. It was hard, and I’m so sorry.
Curious
I am so happy about your baby! I have been thinking of you through this :):)
Anokha
I had both an ectopic pregnancy and a chemical pregnancy in the same year and was just totally gutted. I am so sorry and sending internet hugs. I found a lot of solace in internet message boards which is NOT my thing, but it helped to hear from other people who had been in my shoes.
Curious
Thanks to everyone who replied for sharing stories and being vulnerable. I just needed to talk about it and hear from others and I am really grateful to feel less alone. Thank you.
Anon
Sending you hugs!! I have been there too. I don’t know what your situation is, but for me, from a medical standpoint it helped to see a fertility doctor to rule out issues and there are non-invasive things that can be done to help next time.
Anon
I’m so sorry. Hugs from an internet stranger.
I (early 30s) had a chemical pregnancy at the start of the pandemic in March. I was so excited when I tested positive because we had been trying for a baby and was about to start fertility testing after having difficulty conceiving. DH is a doctor and was under tremendous stress and I felt with all the other tragedies going on (non stop sirens and a refrigerated body truck across the street from our apt in the hospital parking lot) that I could not grieve openly about my loss. After a few weeks of being sad by myself I just broke down and told my husband how sad I was and how I felt like I was not allowed to grieve bc of world events and bc it was so early on in the pregnancy. Being able to share my sadness with my husband (and a few select friends) helped—up until then I played it cool.
I hope you can give yourself space and time to grieve and to share with others your loss as you feel ready.
Same, same.
I’m sorry. I was there in June (and of course two of my friends announced their pregnancies later that week) and it took more out of me than expected. I spent some time on message boards, where it felt less ‘unspoken’ but I don’t really recommend it, since it also created more anxiety and fear during my subsequent (current) pregnancy. I did get pregnant again (fifteen weeks now and fingers crossed) in August but having that experience really soured a lot of the enjoyment from that first trimester. It felt like my husband assumed it would happen again, and since we were waiting to tell people, I just constantly worried about having no support if it did happen again. If you have someone you trust, I would absolutely confide in them – telling people about the loss was a real relief (and realizing it was okay to call it a pregnancy even though it was early) and I really wish I’d told people sooner this time.
Curious
Thank you.
Anon
I’m so sorry. Many, many of us have miscarriages in our history. I’ve had two. Both wanted and planned pregnancies. One at around 8 weeks, one at 13 weeks, which was particularly hard as we’d just told everyone.
I think more people should talk about this so when it happens, you don’t feel so alone.
Hugs to you. Give yourself time to feel sad but please don’t be afraid to try again, and as soon as you feel comfortable doing something. Statistically, one miscarriage doesn’t mean anything in terms of your being able to successfully carry a pregnancy in the future.
Anon
I also had a miscarriage around that point. Emotions were up and down for a long time after about it, sometimes feeling fine and sometimes very sad. After I started talking about it, I learned that many, many of my friends had also had miscarriages (some multiple). If it’s something you want to talk about now or later with the people in your life, I expect you will find the same.
Anon
Reading this very late but I miscarried at this time last year and oh, it was hard, I feel your pain. I still think about that baby and tear up at random moments. However, I’m currently 39 weeks pregnant so know that it’s possible.
I would take the next month off from trying and give yourself a break as it’s best for you mentally and physically. Your cycle might be a little wonky for the next couple months and know that it’s normal, but don’t hesitate to call the doctor if you want to ask questions.
Curious
Thank you <3 it's good to hear about your baby :) best of luck for a safe and healthy delivery!
Anon
I applied for a job a month ago and have not heard back. The online job submission page still says “application received” and has not been updated since mid November. This employer is known to be slow (also it is a pandemic!) but I see the job was posted again on a job site about a week ago. Should I follow up or just continue to apply elsewhere?
Anonymous
This depends so much on industry and a whole bunch of other factors you haven’t posted. If this is private sector I’d probably revamp resume and reapply, if it’s government I would not reapply since they have your application and it’s in HR purgatory
Friday
If the job was posted again and you were not contacted, I’d move on.
Anon
+1
Anon
I guess this depends on the field, but I’ve applied for hundred of jobs and only heard back with rejections months later from less than half of them. Lots of places will keep advertising to get more applicants, and if it’s a government position they may also need to meet diversity requirements in the applicant pool. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around applying for a job and generally getting a response within weeks- lucky people who are fields like that!
Anon
Both!
anonymous
I think it’s fine to follow up, but definitely continue to apply elsewhere. My husband is job searching and applied for a position at the beginning of October. They just got back to him last week..
Vicky Austin
My job hunt ended over two years ago…I got a rejection email this past September.
Thanks, it has pockets!
Sometimes jobs get reposted automatically after a certain amount of time (usually 30 days) and continue to do so until the employer takes it down manually, or they close the job on the ATS – and that doesn’t always take down the job everywhere. Attention to detail is rarely a recruiter’s strong suit.
That said, if you’re job hunting, keep applying! Don’t just apply to one place and wait by the phone, get as many irons in the fire as possible.
Federal Job Hunting
Can anyone who works for the federal government give me some insight about how one lands an entry-level position right out of college? I know the jobs are posted on USAJOBS but I get the sense that if you just apply for one through that site, you’ll never get anywhere. So I’m assuming you need either (a) an internship or (b) connections (and then you apply through the site as a formality). Is this true? On a related note, is there any resource (book, website) that provides guidance on how to break into government jobs? Our government is so sprawling and with so many overlapping agencies, I don’t know where to begin. Specifically interested in foreign policy work. Thank you!
Anon
Take the FSOT if you’re interested in that route. Otherwise, it’s VERY hard to get an entry level federal government job if you’re not a veteran. Look into contractors that do USAID work, etc.
Anon
Also, connections/internships don’t matter with USA jobs. There’s a points system that overrides everything. I have multiple friends who have tried to transition from a contractor role to a fed role, with a specially structured job listing tailor-made for them by their boss, and they didn’t get the job. They did get to train the veteran that was hired how to to the job though.
Anon
+1 I contracted at USAID for a few years as a recent grad. I’d say over 90% of my division were contractors (institutional contractors or personal services contractors). We were fully integrated into the office, truly no divide between direct hired and contractors. Great way to get your foot in the door
Anon
Not the OP, but I’m very strongly considering either going active duty for 3 years or joining the reserves for a few career-related reasons but this is one of them.
anon for this
Your best bet is to get either a Pathways posting (you can search USAJobs for Pathways, it will pull up opportunities for current students and recent grads). If you are still in school, you can apply for the Presidential Management Fellow program, but that’s once a year in fall and I think it’s closed for this year. If possible, try to also have a short informational interview with someone at your target agency (for you, State?). Ask your professors or your network for any contacts, or reach out to HR directly (this may or may not work).
Federal Job Hunting
Thank you, everyone, for the advice. One follow-up question: must the government post all jobs through USAJOBS? Anon for this, you say to reach out to people at the target agency or through professors to make contacts, but how does that help if the jobs are going to be posted on USAJOBS and go to veterans? Or can they hire people directly, bypassing the system?
anon
In my division, Pathways seems to be the way to go. But there are also opportunities to come in as mid-level employees (GS11-13). But only for certain jobs. There are jobs whose entire team is contracted out (like IT) so you wouldn’t be hired as a fed employee no matter how long you had worked for us as a contractor.
Blueberry
This may be a stupid question, but I’m a little overweight and I have a job interview, for a completely normal business development job, at a fitness company. Is this an issue? Would it be awkward if I work there? Is everyone going to be obsessed with fitness etc?
Anonymous
My concern is that you have conflated weight and fitness. They are not the same thing and you should know that if you are in business development for a fitness company.
Blueberry
I’m not conflating weight and fitness. I’m afraid that this place will. I am not in business development for a fitness company as of now.
Anonymous
You can be overweight and fit. I am. My best friend is (she’s heavier than me and fitter than me, in fact). If you find that this place focuses exclusively on weight rather than fitness at any size, run for the exit. It won’t be a good place to work.
Fitness
I don’t think it’ll be a problem in that you wouldn’t get the job, but I would consider the kind of folks who are likely attracted to such a company. Totally depends, but as an example, if you worked as an engineer at FitBit, I wouldn’t necessarily assume that you’d be a fitness fiend and your co-workers would fall along the various levels of interest in actual fitness, but if you work Peloton or Whoop or CrossFit (or anything cult/intense-like), then I would assume that you at least have some interest or will be expected to develop some interest and/or need to be okay with co-workers who are super into it. It may depend on group size, etc., but I know folks working at fitness companies where team bonding/building activities include working out and/or being active and everyone is into it.
Senior Attorney
It shouldn’t matter, and it shouldn’t be awkward, and presumably no.
But. Who knows? Remember, interviews are to find out if a job is a good fit on both sides. Obviously you don’t want to work with a bunch of people who would look down on you for your body type.
Also: I wonder whether Ask a Manager has addressed this. You might want to go over there and search the archives.
Anonymous
My mom got scammed last night. It was one of those fake customer service calls – there’s a problem with your recent order – and unfortunately she fell for it. She was about to go buy $2k in gift cards to mail to the scammer when her husband stopped her. I’ve asked her what information she gave him, but she doesn’t really know. She gave him remote access to her computer and he pulled up her bank account information. It’s a tiny neighborhood bank that doesn’t have 24 hour support, but mom has been talking to them this morning. Mom’s husband is almost equally clueless; he thinks they’re safe now because he pulled the internet connection to the computer and he’s going to get the hard drive reformatted.
I told them last night to call the fraud number on the back of mom’s debit card. I also told them to change the passwords on all accounts that she ever logged into on that computer. – or better yet, close the accounts. I have a joint account with my mom that I never use; I tried to set up electronic access last night but the bank takes 2-5 days to create a new login account, so that’s useless. The bank has my social (but not my home address), not sure if the scammer can access that now. Is there anything else I should tell mom to do? Anything I should do?
Also tips on how to not be completely livid with my mother? This was such a textbook scam, I can’t believe people actually fall for this. I know she feels like an idiot, she said she thought she was smarter than this, I don’t want to scare her off from coming to me if something like this happens again.
Anonymous
Why be livid with your mom? She’s been the victim of a crime! Help her call her bank and make sure her account is secure.
anon
+1
Anon
I’m a knowledgeable financial professional and I once gave my SSN and birth date in a phishing scam. My brain was on autopilot, apparently. So don’t be too hard on your mother. On a happier note, I put fraud alerts on all the credit sites for a couple of years, and no attempts to use my data were made (confirmed through credit monitoring I had in my prior job).
Anon
I would call the bank that you have the joint account with and explain what happened. They can put a hold on the account or tell you how to do it without waiting days for the website login to be created.
On being livid– It’s ok to be upset but please don’t take it out on your mother. A lot of people fall for these types of scams. She feels dumb and has learned a lesson that hopefully is not too financially expensive. Scammers target people around the holidays who are older for a reason. There’s a lot of complex psychology that the scammers exploit. She does need to be more aware of course, and you should help her with strategies for what to do if someone calls again (hang up and call the company she ordered from directly before giving any information, etc). Just don’t make her feel so bad that she never comes to you for help again. Also there’s the normal disclaimer that if this is something that is really really out of character for her, consider whether it’s evidence of a larger problem.
Anonymous
Contact the credit agencies and put a hold on new credit applications in the relevant names. I did this and was contacted when a scammer tried to get a new credit card in my name.
Anonymous
Freeze her credit with all three agencies. You need to make sure no one is opening up credit cards (or loans) in her name.
Anonymous
And sign up for credit monitoring
Anon
My dad fell for a scam a couple of years ago. To me, it was so obviously a scam but my dad is also very intelligent and capable. He admitted that he should have known it was too good to be true. So I agree that it can happen to anyone! Don’t be too mad at your mom.
Anon
Is there a typical or “standard” gift for a friend who makes partner? A friend just made it last week and want to get her something to commemorate the occasion. Thanks!
anon
Champagne!
Anon
This is the correct answer to so, so many questions.
OP this time of year many grocery stores have good deals on real French champagne. (If it says the word Champagne on the label, it’s from the Champagne region of France. Everything else is a sparking wine or in some cases a “cremant”.)
Veuve Cliquot is a classic for a reason but I’m partial to Perrier Jouet. Or you might try a real champagne from a less famous label. Whatever you do, it will likely be very much appreciated!
anon
If the person doesn’t drink, flowers!
Anonymous
Test: I haven’t been able to post for several days due to the “BlogVault Firewall” warning. Not sure if I got banned or something…?
Anyway, I’ve been wanting to ask whether anyone has any decorating ideas to make your house look less like a dorm. What I could use help with is guidance on proportion and shapes and adding dimension to rooms – I live in a cheap old apartment complex with almost no character and it just reminds me of my college dorm to an inescapable degree. Whenever I try new decorations or furnishings, though, something just looks off. Any ideas for where to start? I already tossed my poster of A Starry Night :)
Aunt Jamesina
I feel like curtains that are appropriately proportioned (they should barely skim the floor and be at least 1.5 times the width of the window so they don’t look skimpy) and in a nice fabric go a long way to making a room feel more grown up. If you have a hard surface floor, an appropriately sized rug (people often buy rugs that are too small, look up rug sizing guides) in a nice material in living areas and bedrooms adds a nice touch. Add in textures through different fabrics, patterns, and finishes for interest and contrast– throw pillows and blankets are a nice way to do this. Be sure to add in at least a few natural elements like wood, stone, and/or plants. Don’t try to be too matchy with furniture. Buy individual pieces rather than sets when you can. Frame your artwork. And I much prefer tchotchkes with an actual story behind them (items bought on vacation or made by a friend) to ones picked up at a big box store, and they don’t have to be at all expensive.
Anonymous
Can you look at Zillow listings for fancy small condos in your area? They are often staged nicely for the pictures and you can focus on how they do things:
— nightstands at top-of-mattress height on either side of bed
— something covering the box spring
— what is around the windows
— how is the rug sized and arrayed by the bed? by the couch? in any reading nook with a chair?
— are there tables / lamps on either side of the couch? lamps in bedroom?
I feel like I know a good room when I see it but it’s hard to start with a blank space (which I did — 9 months with couch free living and a queen mattress/box spring on the floor).
Anonymous
That’s exactly my problem! I know a good room when I see it, but when I actually try things myself, nothing looks quite right. I’ll try checking out condo listings though.
Lily
Appropriately proportioned window treatments (curtains are cheapest – look at Ikea) and rugs (rugsusa.com has lots of cheap options that still look decent), along with low-maintenance plants in indoor pots, will make a huge difference. Make sure anything hung on walls is at the appropriate height (most people hang pictures way too high up on the wall). Replace ugly light fixtures. Ambient lighting (lamps, sconces) is much better than overhead lighting if you’re going for elegant/chic. Get rid of posters unless they are interesting (a concert you attended, for example) AND nicely framed (go to a framing store and have it matted – will cost $100+ but still cheaper than buying fine art). No “word” art (“live, laugh, love” or similar).
Also, keep personal pictures mostly confined to bedroom/hallway/upstairs areas. Entertaining/common spaces should not be cluttered with a ton of wedding pictures or group pics with friends/family, for example. A couple interesting coffee table books with a pretty paper weight on top are a nice touch.
anonshmanon
I think that last bit is more a matter of personal taste. There is no general rule that family pictures are juvenile.
Cb
Me too! Could access in incognito and the moms site.
Anonymous
Hm. Kat, any news on what this is?
anon
Maybe spend some time on Pinterest or home decor sites and curate ideas that you like and pictures of things you think are feasible with your space and budget. Everyone’s taste is different and I bet some themes will emerge once you have a collection of things you like.
Some helpful things to add:
-wall art, especially large and/or framed wall art
-appropriately sized rugs & curtains
-accent pieces like pillows, throws, tchotchkes
-organization that fits your current space (like swapping out random plastic bins for matching fabric drawers that fit your shelf)
-plants
-books that aren’t textbooks
Some things to get rid of/upgrade/store out of sight:
-unframed posters
-string lights
-functional-but-ugly items like plastic bins, open wire shelves, plastic drawers, visible chargers & cords, tools, box fan, etc.
-random furniture that doesn’t fit your overall look or space
-random belongings that you don’t use often or don’t work for this particular space
Even if you can’t afford to upgrade or get rid of a bunch, I’ve found that streamlining what I keep out in my living room and bedroom (and keeping more juvenile or functional items in the bathroom/kitchen/closet) makes a massive difference in how grown up my apartment feels.
Anonymous
Thank you, this is especially helpful. I think the plastic bins are a big problem for me! It’s a small apartment so there’s not that much I can do about some of that clutter, but it’s worth trying to move it out of the living room.
Ymanon
Tossing the cheesy van gogh was a great start.
Now think about what level you’re at. Are you upgrading from random hand-me-down, random thrifted etc.
What’s the level you’re at. MDF-style furniture? curb-side or cheap thrift? nicely thrifted? cousin Bernie’s old stuff? You have to upgrade in levels, you can’t go from level 1 to level 7. Never do a full makeover, it will date horribly horribly.
Is the paint ok? colours not off-putting-beige etc? Is everthing clean and in good shape? If not, do the basics.
OK?
Next level. Does you “dorm” lack storage? Don’t add small things for storage. Get one big thing (IKEA wardrobe, dresser whatever) and get the PILES of stuff sorted.
Next level: what about lights? do you have a good amount of varied lights? good general lights, good mood lighting, good work lighting. Change bulbs (2100 kelvin for cozy warm, 2700++ kelvin for work white lights), or get more light.
Next level: something tactile. do you have something cozy? good couch, some throws, pillows etc that adds a tactile, warm, cozy feel (or I guess, clean, minimal, and contrasting).
Next level: do you have something living? Add some plants.Start with a peace lily or similar.
Next level: do you have something beautiful? Add one spectacular thing. An arm chair. An art work. A carpet. A fish bow. It doesn’t really matter what, but you should love it, it should be beautiful and it should catch your eye. Add later things to compliment your beautiful thing.
Dressy booties for a teen?
I have a teen who has outgrown her dressy 9.5 booties. They had a low heel and were slightly pointy and a polished black leather that could look dressy.
Where should I look for something similar this winter? She has one thing that will be outside (so rubber soles would be nice) that will be a bit dressy this winter, so I don’t think we should skip on looking for something. [And since she hasn’t been in school since March, much less her new school, she has no idea really what kids these days wear but she liked the now-too-small booties.]
I see younger girls wearing little Ugg-type booties with ribbons, but I think older girls can’t really do that. OTOH, I have a sibling with size 10N feet who legit wore Birkenstocks to most things in high school (we lived in a small town that was preppy enough so that this was seen as some sort of Bohemian prep rebellion even though it was just about not having the feet for what was sold in our one-street downtown).
Anonymous
A shoe store? If she like the old ones, just look for similar ones in size 10.
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/sam-edelman-hilary-bootie-women/5680386?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&fashioncolor=Black&fashionsize=8%3A10~~13&color=black
PolyD
Zappos is your friend. Free shipping, free returns, and you can filter by size and heel height and color and all sorts of things.
Anon
If she liked the old booties I’d just rebuy in a larger size.
Anonymous
Ah, growing children with expensive adult-sized feet. I feel like there are good Aquatalia boots on sale now, but $200 for boots you will need to re-buy next year . . . oof.
Anon
Are these a gift? If not, can’t you have her at least help you look? I don’t think my mom was involved in picking out my new clothes after about the age of 11.
Anon
Except for veto power, lol.
Anon
+1
And if they are a gift, ask her to pick out some ones she likes
Anonymous
IDK how things are where you are now, but my mother and sister have feet larger than a 9 and have said that it is really hard to find anything once you are larger than a 9. Like HARD HARD HARD and most things were orthopedic, not cute. So . . . Zappos may be your best bet for now or one of those no-frills places where you can wander around and try on whatever is in stock (the places where the stock by size).
anon
For a kid who will outgrow them quickly, I would look at a store like TJ Maxx or Ross. This sounds like a pretty basic item that is going to be fairly easy to find.
Anon
+1
My mom never bought me expensive shoes until my feet stopped growing. Booties are literally everywhere right now. Target is also great.
Anonymous
My 13-year-old will automatically reject any item of clothing I suggest, even if it is something she would choose for herself. Let your daughter pick out her own shoes. If she doesn’t have narrow feet and is looking for something cheap because she will outgrow it quickly, DSW is a good place to look.
Anon
+1
Most teenagers won’t touch something their uncool parents picked with a ten foot pole. Let her find a pair!
Hiking pants ugh
I am a pear since I was a kid (my mom was an expert sewer and had to put darts in all of my store-bought pants and jeans). I am usually about a 6/8, depending on the brand. I bought an 8 in some fleece-lined hiking pants — very very tight in the seat; waist a bit big. And a 10 — merely NSFW snug in the seat (but not painful if sitting) and so big in the waist that I could pull them off buttoned.
They are fleece-lined and very warm — will be suitable for morning walk-the-dog pants (the 8s with a long coat) but I will gladly donate if I can find something more pear-friendly. I used to get pants with what they called a “contour waist,” which rose a little on the back but dipped a bit in the front — I take it those don’t exist any more.
North Face has unlined hiking pants that a M works well for me (Aphrodite — pants, shorts), but they are not going to work in the cold (and the friction with baselayers is annoying to the point of really wanting to get some heavier or lined pants for outdoors).
I get that they are boxy b/c they are designed for function, but when I worry that I may do an Incredible Hulk out of the seat seam, I’m not sure they can contain me in action mode. :(
Anon
Also a pear with thick thighs and no behind, and Eddie Bauer hiking pants fit me best. I also have a pair of Kuhl pants that have a drawstring at the waist in addition to the snap and zipper – those are good.
Anon
Yup I feel your pain. I’m a pear and a hiker but also need tactical pants for work (a few days a month, not every day thank god). The rear being NSFW in hiking/tac pants is so real. We discussed it a bit yesterday.
So far, I have not found my holy grail (and the best “make do” pairs I have are all summer weight). I ordered a pair of Praha Halle pants, so am excited to try those.
In an ideal world or find a pair that appropriately fits, does what I need it to do (very durable, non elastic waist, 6+ pockets, quick dry, stretchy enough for movement, etc) AND is reasonably cute but no such luck.
Anonymous
Would I go to some sort of vanity-induced hell by taking my hiking pants to the tailor for putting in darts? Like if I won the lottery I would so totally do this vs endless rounds of things being a C- in fit in some key dimension (largely: cannot be painful or too snug in the seat; waist cannot be so big that they fall off or do a 3″ drop if you put a phone or keys in a pocket).
Go for it
Go to the tailor! I definitely would.
Nope
Well, I guess I’d see you there. I totally took in a pair of Columbia hiking pants to have the waist taken in/darts placed by a good tailor. They fit much better and I wore them for close to a decade. OH – and I saved a ton of money, since I stopped buying hiking pants that I wouldn’t wear.
Shelle
A third vote for a tailor. My waist to hip ratio is large so I take every single pair of pants or skirt to my tailor. I’m sure they won’t bat an eye over hiking pants!
Hollis
Excuse my ignorance, but what line of work requires you to wear tactical pants for work a few days a month?
Anon
I would guess something in construction/development, manufacturing, or law enforcement.
Flats Only
Also environmental science field work.
Anon
I have a job that’s mostly office based with some field work. Tactical pants + boots + agency polo are part of my field uniform (sometimes they’re needed, sometimes I’m doing paperwork – it depends on the mission). In the office we have no uniform – just normal business casual attire
Anonymous
Is it me, or does this whole year seem like a giant fugue state?
“What if I had a job and just stopped showing up at it. For whole seasons at a time?”
Anonymous
You know, not really. I’ve been enjoying 2020 jokes and memes like everyone else, but I’ve been working on a mindset shift and practicing gratitude and it has honestly helped me so much. I used to roll my eyes at that kind of thing, but focusing on the quality time I’ve had with my husband this year and our cozy, decorated house and the fact that we are safe has really made me see that 2020 isn’t a waste of a year. It’s just a different, harder year and I think we will come out of it stronger. It’s also been better in some ways – working from home is a great fit for me and has increased my day-to-day happiness and health quite a bit. I can’t imagine how great working from home will be when I can also resume my hobbies again.
Anonymous
Yes this. How is it December? What do I do all day?
Anon
Yep. I enjoy working from home (bye, office anxiety!), but I feel like I’m missing the normal markers of the passage of time. And I’m bummed that I’m not excited about decorating for Christmas this year – it’s normally such a people holiday for me – parties, family, etc – that decorating just for me and my husband just seems sad.
CPA Lady
My entire existence at work right now:
Managing through sheer force of will and Herculean effort to get a single thing done after staring blankly at computer for way, way too long. Start to experience good and happy state of mind caused by remembering what positive momentum and accomplishment feels like. Then the entire project blows up on the next to last step. Every. Single. Time.
The monotony of my current struggle to complete anything is sometimes broken up by discovering a mistake I made months ago that will require no fewer than 12-15 emails to correct. Or being hot potato-ed from IRS agent to IRS agent while trying to solve a bizarre problem for a client and then eventually hung up on because their phone lines are too busy or certain departments have gone into a second round of covid shutdowns.
I’m so over it.
pugsnbourbon
#timesoup
The ways a lot of us anchor ourselves in time aren’t there. Birthdays, baby showers, weddings, parties – all of those are things to look forward to and things we remember. Even weekends blur into weekdays – I’m home all day anyway, what’s the difference?
Vicky Austin
Time soup is a perfect phrase.
pugsnbourbon
I should have given credit – it’s from John Oliver!
Anon
Yeah, 100%. I am so ready for this to be over, both 2020 and the pandemic.
Anon
I’m self employed. I intentionally took October off which morphed into November too. I just got a contract for December and I’m almost disappointed! Don’t tell my accountant!!
Anon
Yes, I both feel that 2002 will never end, and that there’s no way it is the holiday season. The lack of typical rhythms/events/gatherings definitely is contributing to this feeling, as well as WFH and never going anywhere.
First year partnership
I tried to ask this yesterday but got stuck in mod. How those that have made partner at a law firm, how did your first year partner take home comp compare to what you made your last year as an associate?
I just made partner and I know it’s normal not to have a big bump, but I’m taking home significantly less than I was before. Supposedly it will work itself out at the end of the year if all goes well, but I’m just curious how normal this is. Mid-law, fwiw
Anon
I posted late afternoon and there wasn’t a lot of activity on that post so I’m posting one more time in case it helps someone.
I thought I had terrible migraines since WFH and it turns out I had developed motion sickness from working all electronically. You can google to see more about it if you think it might be impacting you too. I had to stop using two screens and stop multitasking so much. I also had to majorly slow down my scrolling or look away while I scrolled. Staring at a stationary object periodically also helps. When I have to multiscreen (because Zoom) I wear motion sickness bracelets that help.
I’m happy to share more if anyone has questions. My migraines were presenting with nausea first and some vertigo and occurred the worst near the end of the workday which is how I figured this out.
Anon
Brilliant!
anonchicago
Has anyone here taken a paycut for better work-life balance? I’m at a Big 4 and burned out; the 8-10 days, constant fire drills, and working over the holidays is not something I want to sustain forever and it seems there is no end to the treadmill.
I’ve been passively job searching for the past year and am close to an offer with a company that seems great, but would represent a $40k cut in base pay for a gig that is primarily 8-5 and predictable. With bonuses, after the first year it should only be a $10k or so gap. We can afford this, and I realize that I would need to outsource less with a more dependable schedule. Mentally though, taking a paycut seems like a step back. Thoughts?
Go for it
Personally, the life I want to wake up to is at home, not the office. I took an epic cut to make it happen and considered the hit as a self payday with an ego boost for putting my personal life ahead of the beautiful golden handcuffs I’d adored. Fast forward a few years and I have more than recouped the cash without giving one extra minute of my life. YMMV.
Anon
How are the responsibilities in the new role? Is it an increase in that respect?
What level are you at Big 4? Big 4 offers sh1t pay at the lower levels and in big cities on their uniform national pay scale, so taking a pay cut from their dismal pay would be ludicrous.
anonchicago
It’s an increase in responsibilities for sure but not a huge one – I’d be managing a newly created team, vs managing the existing teams I have today.
I’m on the consulting side of Big 4 and it pays well; in fact I’ve found it’s hard to find an industry job to match my current base. I make around $200k base, and no bonuses or raises this year due to COVID and maybe next year as well.
Anon
Pragmatically, it depends on what your current pay is. Do not cut your salary nearly in half; do not worry about going from $200k to $160k. Figure out what your marginal tax rate is, do the math on the hours worked at each job, and figure out how much your current firm pays you for every additional hour worked.
“Mentally though, taking a paycut seems like a step back.”
Why?
Anonymous
Both my husband and I did this last year – took a roughly 30 % hit to our overall income and moved to a slightly less expensive state (expenses went down by about 10 %) with a much slower pace of life. It has been absolutely wonderful. I have time to take care of my health, I’ve gotten back into old hobbies, and I am spending a lot more time with my elementary aged kids, and would be even without the pandemic. I’m so much less stressed that even my kids have noticed and commented on it.
Cat
This is what people leaving Biglaw do all the time! I’m back to my old Biglaw salary after 4 years in house (setting aside the fact that Biglaw salaries escalated in the meantime). Totally worth it to buy my sanity back.
Duckles
That’s encouraging to hear— do you feel like this job is sustainable?
Senior Attorney
Yes, I did it about 20 years ago (wow! 20 years ago!) and never looked back. I went from being a partner at a Medium Sized Law Firm to working for the government, and took about a 30% pay cut. TOTALLY worth it. I’m quite happy with my compensation now, plus I have a pension so I feel like it was a very good move.
One way to look at it, to avoid the “step back” thing, is to look at your hourly pay. I was definitely making at least as much per hour worked as I was at the firm, right from the start.
Duckles
Took an over 50% paycut and you would have to drag me by my ankles back. No regrets. Worth mentioning that I find the work I’m doing more interesting, even if it’s less high pressure/prestigious/traditionally challenging, so don’t really mind that it’s a bit of a lean out because I actually enjoy my life now.
La+Di+Dah
Yes, I was a director at a company making about $225k, I had a ridiculous amount of responsibility, a long commute and was having signs of burn-out (trouble sleeping, indigestion etc). I decided to scale back, went to a company I had previously worked for and took a big step down in title and salary was about $50k less. I work from home and am not stressed at all – pure bliss. I don’t even notice the smaller paycheck.
anon
Has anyone dealt with TMJ? I believe I may be developing this, thanks to holding all my stress in my jaw. It’s become a bad habit that I can’t seem to break. Is this something I need to see an actual doctor for, or is it treatable at home?
Veronica Mars
You need to see an actual doctor. If you ignore it, you can cause shattered teeth, migraines and other severe problems (my jaw got so inflamed I couldn’t chew food). There was an article over the summer in the NYT about a dentist speaking to how many more shattered teeth they were seeing recently. I’d look for a TMJ specialist. You’ll go through insurance rigamarole because health insurance wants to say it’s dental and dental wants to say it’s health. Ideally, you should learn what stretches you need to do to help your jaw and get one or more bite guards. FWIW my treatment cost 5k which my really good insurance did reimburse me for eventually.
Z
I’ve had TMJ since I was about 15. If it is hurting you can take ibuprofen. Your normal dentist can assess if you’re grinding/clenching and fit you for a night guard, which does help. Most TMJ specialists are expensive and usually out of network. In general, I try to avoid chewy foods and gum. I clench a lot when I am very stressed, which can sometimes lead to me not being able to open my mouth all the way, so I try to mindfully un-clench and deep breathe for a few minutes.
Marie
Talk to your dentist about getting a mouth guard to wear at night. I was getting migraines and waking up with my teeth and jaw hurting in the morning. Was complaining at the dentist, who suggested I was grinding my teeth in my sleep (somehow did not occur to me) and made me a mouthguard out of the material you see for invisalign. My migraines are way down from where they used to be and my grinding/clenching seems to be much more under control now.
theguvnah
there are a bunch of home treatments you can google – many are basic reducing stress tactics, but also things like self jaw massage, etc. – all are worth trying before you go to a doctor. I’ve had TMJ of varying degrees for 20+ years and only this year graduated to a dentist-fitted night guard which is definitely helping. Yoga and regular workouts help for me too (the connection between my tense shoulders and jaw is real).
mclawyer
Hi Hive – is there such a thing as petite men’s clothes? My SO has requested some basic tees, sweaters, and polos for Christmas and he is 5’5″ and all of his shirts that he does not wear tucked in are always way too long on him. Pants seem to be easier because a 30″ inseam seems to do the trick. He fits in size M in shirts everywhere else except length. Any brand recs would be greatly appreciated!!
Go for it
H & M has worked for my similarly built friend.
Cat
Check out the blog Extra Petite- she includes recommendations from her also-man-petite husband.
HW
Yup I was going to recommend extra petite too!
Annony
Jimmy Au in Beverly Hills specializes in clothing for shorter men. Looks like you can’t order things online but if you called them, I’m sure they could help you over the phone. My father in law has shopped there and loves it. Maybe not the best choice for just basics, but wanted to mention it for future purchases!
anon
My BF is a barrel chested/muscular short guy (5′ 4″), so make sure you consider what type of petite he is. He is short torsoed, not especially short legged. My BF found that uniqlo fits him really really well so he just buys a lot of stuff there (XS). Club Monaco (XS) also fits him. Gap/Banana/etc. don’t really fit.
Anon
My husband is 5’6″ with a thin-medium build and adores everything XS in Uniqlo.
Allie
My friend buys from tween brands like holister for her similar built husband (she doesn’t buy tween style – he looks great! – she just finds the fit works well).
Anon
I second H&M. My 5’8″ boyfriend has tons of t-shirts from there that are a tad too short IMO.
Marie
Many brands have “slim fit” shirts, which seem to fit better on my more slender husband, who otherwise complains about the bunching of shirts in straight sizes when tucked in. Try that search term along with the brand you SO likes to wear.
Anonymous
Check the brand untuckit.
Jess
I bought my boyfriend sweatpants from the brand Peter Manning. He loves them so much because he’d never owned sweatpants because they would need to be hemmed (and he or his Mom hemmed all of his PJ pants). He’s 5’4″ or 5’5″–a bit barrel chested at 165lbs. Peter Manning is a bit overpriced, but that makes it good for gifts.
anon
Gift card idea? I’m looking for a gift card for my SIL who lives in London (in Chelsea). Somewhere she can get something fun and frivolous, or maybe gourmet groceries. She’s late 30s, married, no kids (but is trying). Thanks!
Senior Attorney
Fortnum & Mason is great for gourmet groceries.
Anonymous
And for fun and frivolity generally!
Former Parisian
Second F&M – they are THE place for hampers and gift cards in London. Or you could buy her a voucher for afternoon tea at Bluebird Chelsea.
anne-on
Liberty London? Overpriced of course but an amazing beauty hall and really lovely fabric if she’s into the whole liberty print thing. Jo Malone and Jo Loves are of course classic if she’s into perfume. M&S and Selfridge’s have great food halls.
MJ
Space.NK is a high-end Sephora-like place. She is guaranteed to find something awesome there.
Anon
https://www.grapeandfig.com/christmas-2020
I love the idea of a fresh garland and hamper. Not sure if they do gift certificates or not.
Kelsey
Is “hamper” a term that the English use for all baskets, or just gift baskets?
Anonymous
A hamper is a picnic basket, or similar. Something from wicker or braided willow trees etc.
It’s not the gift part, it’s the size and material.
Anon
These are so lovely!! I want to find something similar stateside!
Ymanon
I would actually go with a generic John Lewis gift card. For Chelsea she can go the fabulous Peter Jones department store on Sloane Sq. and get cosmetics or clothesor bedding or electronics or a new saucepan – or just a big bottle of gin or some wine at Waitrose.
Anon
I am so glad that my office is wfh casual. I was just on an internal call wearing a hoodie, no makeup, messy bun and minimal jewelry. No one ever announced a wfh dress code, but everyone decided for themselves that we were casual. There were five of us on the call – two without video and three of us wearing sweats.
I can’t imagine having to get dressed / do hair and makeup to stay inside all day!
Anon
I had a zoom job interview the other day and one of the interviewers was in a hoodie! Like you I can’t even fathom getting up early to put on proper clothes and makeup and go sit in an office for 8 hours. It seems so completely bizarre now.
OP
Ooof. I always dress up on top (just a top or sweater I’d normally wear to work – nothing fancy) when I have an external meeting (rare) or am on an interview panel.
I had one very fancy / serious external meeting that I did suit up for – only for the man leading the meeting to be wearing a fleece!
Sloan Sabbith
Yeah, I put on a normal top and maybe a nicer cardigan for interviews or external meetings. Although at one external meeting this summer, the woman leading it had clearly just gotten back from a run- hair was still pulled back in an athletic headband, and she was in a workout top. Seriously?
Anonymous
You are lucky. I have spent so many full days at home dressed in a blouse and jacket while wearing fuzzy socks because it is cold in my house and the camera never shows my feet.
Sloan Sabbith
Same. Since early April (e.g. when we all realized this wasn’t going to be a short term thing) I’ve been in leggings or shorts or a super casual skirt/skort and a t-shirt, sweatshirt, or sweater every day. Sometimes, if I have an external meeting, I put on a necklace and make sure I’m not in a logo tee. My current go-to is a short sleeve shirt, Costco Barefoot Dreams dupe, and the Zella leggings with the hip pockets that I got at the Nordstrom sale and now have in every color.