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Moonstone
HOA/renting question. About a month ago, I bought a condo with the idea that I could live here for a few years, then rent it out. When I was searching, I made it clear to my realtor that I did not want to buy anywhere with rental restrictions, since I didn’t want to face a waiting list or other obstacles when I decided to rent. The condo I bought had big notes on the real estate listing saying “No rental restrictions!” and when I asked for the full HOA handbook before buying, the paperwork the seller’s real estate agent showed me said that there were no restrictions on renting out units. However, about a week ago I had to go to the HOA office for something unrelated, and they courteously gave me a copy of the handbook since I had just moved. I was looking through it yesterday and found a section outlining rental restrictions, including a maximum percentage of rented units and waitlist procedures. WHAT?! I’m positive this was not in the paperwork I saw previously, and feel that this was misleading on the part of the seller. I would not have bought the unit if I had known about these restrictions.
I have a terrible suspicion that I just got screwed over on this and will have to live with the fallout, but I wanted to see if anyone had ideas for anything I could do at this point.
Anonymous
I’m sorry that this has happened to you.
This is the main, main area that convinced me that realtors are just a sloppy lot. Low barriers to entry. No real quality control (unless they commit a felony, like running off with your $).
I bought a condo once and no one ever mentioned this as a thing. I never saw the CCRs (or whatever they are called) until years later.
I wish there were a better way to vet realtors b/c you’re really at their mercy and you don’t know what you don’t know (and what they don’t know).
Anonymous
Have you already closed?
AIMS
Did you have a lawyer? This is generally part of the due diligence that you’re responsible for, but a lawyer should have been helping you with this.
IHHtown
Using a lawyer for primary home buying greatly depends on the state/city and the value of the property. I have never heard of anyone using a lawyer in a real estate transaction except in NY and properties in the $1M+ range. A $200k Houston condo would never require a lawyer. In fact if you brought one in, the seller may get spooked, assume you are litigious, and pull out its so unusual.
Anonymous
I’m in PA, and it is very common for a Buyer to use an attorney for closing regardless of price.
Anonymous
In GA, a lawyer is required at closing. But typically the buyer never speaks to the closing attorney before closing except to send funds.
cbackson
The closing attorney also represents the mortgage lending bank not the buyer.
Anonymous
NoVA – lawyer not required and very rarely used.
Scarlett
Same in SF & it would be extremely rare (I’ve never heard of anyone using one openly during a transaction, perhaps behind the scenes) & I would think it would spook a seller; I also wouldn’t pay for it because it’s not the practice I’m not sure that they’d be versed enough in the issues to make it worthwhile.
sadie
Oregon- nobody uses lawyers for residential real estate except in the very high priced category.
anon
Do you still have a copy of the documents that you were given before closing? Can you confirm?
Can you find out when the rental restrictions took effect? If they were in effect long before the marketing, you might have a claim based on misrepresentation, but you’d need to consult an attorney.
Do you know if any units are rented now? If none are rented, then it’s plausible that the seller meant to imply that you could purchase it and rent it right away. It’s sleazy… just thinking about it from a different angle. You probably got screwed. Sorry.
Moonstone
I searched through all my papers from the closing and couldn’t find those documents- it’s possible the other realtor showed them to me and then took them back, which in retrospect should’ve been an indication of something shady.
According to the handbook, the restrictions have been in place for 3 years, so definitely before this unit went on the market.
I know some units are rented now just from talking to neighbors, but I don’t know how many. The limitations in the handbook require a very low percentage of rentals, so from my sample size I’m guessing the number of rentals is about at capacity.
Ugh. I just feel really dumb and sad.
Anon
This was a material misrepresentation on the part of seller’s realtor and seller. The first thing I would do is compare the two handbooks you received to understand if they were different versions. But even still, the fact that the ad was misleading is actionable against the realtor, the realtor’s broker (head of office), the RE company and the seller in most states. Call a lawyer. You contract may have waived your rights to sue, so you need a lawyer to see where you stand. You may have grounds for a lawsuit. However, damages will be hard to prove if your eventual intention was to rent it out–that’s hard to put a dollar value on. So bear that in mind before you fire up tons of legal fees. GL.
Torin
Is it possible they amended the HOA rules since you moved in?
AEL
It’s also possible that the rules were recently changed by the board, just as a counter point to those who are saying this is a misrepresentation.
Scarlett
If you’ve closed and moved this might be hard to unwind, but you might have options if you haven’t yet. Call your agent and escalate at the agency if your agent can’t handle it (I don’t think as low of agents as others here, the seller could have misrepresented, and I would start there.) That said, condos typically retain the right to impose the restrictions on rentals you’re talking about so even if the place was restriction free when you bought, it could change in a few years. (This is also one of the many reasons I frequently advise against condos when this question comes up because I dealt with this issue the hard way, too.) Because of that, they may not do much for you or consider the issue material. It might have even been under-rented when you bought so at the moment, it might be “restriction free” right now. I’m sorry this happened to you, good luck seeing if you can do something. It might work out okay in be end, too – usually the number of permitted rentals is decently high if you bought into a mostly owner-occupied building and there may never be a wait list. If there is, just put yourself on it immediately even if you have no plans to move. And worst case, you sell it down the line.
Scarlett
A couple more thoughts – when my building looked into adding a rental restriction on the number of units that could be rented, we learned it would require a change to the CC&Rs, which is an expensive process and can require higher consent thresholds than a normal board resolution. If you just got a handbook, it’s possible the owners at the time decided to try to get around the formal process and scare new owners into not renting. Talk to you agent, get ALL the documents (the CC&Rs are the most important and binding, but you want all of the rules too) and talk to a lawyer about whether they’re even binding on you.
Also, renting a condo can be a nightmare – in my case, the building hated renters and the owners were nasty to them, and getting things done just got harder. Rent after expenses just covered my mortgage (and I was in a very HCOL city (SF) with very expensive rents and I had a decent mortgage). Ultimately I sold because the hassle wasn’t worth it. I think condos can be great to live in, but bad as investment properties.
In hindsight, I wished I had made improvements to my condo while I lived there that I could have enjoyed and would have made a sale really fast and easy (my place sold fast only due to the insane market here but would have been snapped up with a cuter kitchen, fixtures, built in closets, etc.) You might want to just reframe your strategy and do these things with an eye toward selling in 5 years instead of renting.
Anonymous
In general CC&Rs are publicly available and it’s probably a good reminder to all to check them yourself if you have a specific interest, like being able to rent. That said, you may have a claim if the seller gave you something in writing that contradicts the CC&Rs. Without something in writing, you’ll likely have a hard case to prove though.
Anonymous
As others have mentioned, you should talk to a RE lawyer not just Realtors. Your course of action is going to depend, in large part, in what state you are located. Did you get title insurance? If so, were the HOA restrictions listed on the title commitment? In my state, HOA restrictions must be listed or referenced in the deed so that they can be discovered during a title search. As far as action against the seller, you need to talk to an attorney about what a material misrepresentation by a seller is in your state to determine if this is the situation here. Although it would likely involve a court process, in some states you can undo sales when a seller makes a material misrepresentation. Taking actions against Realtors can be tricky. Aside from working with your attorney, you could look online for your state and local Realtor Association’s Bylaws because many are required to post these online.
Anonymous
I’m a commercial, not residential, real estate lawyer, but yes, Anon at 12:16 is correct – the HOA document (whether the entire thing or just a short form of it) should be recorded in the county where the real property is located. If you got a mortgage, then you have title insurance (lender’s require it) which will show the recording information for the HOA document (may be called a declaration, may be called “Covenants, Conditions and Restrictions” or CCRs for short). You should be able to search on the internet for your county plus “register of deeds” and find a way to search the deed registry and this document will come up.
Also – while the chances of this working out are small, just because you can only have, say 10% rentals, doesn’t mean that there won’t, at some point, be 15% rentals. It all depends on how much the HOA enforces it. I’m in no way advocating that you violate the terms of the HOA bylaws, but i’m just saying that sometimes these things aren’t enforced very well.
Anon for this
I need to list three references on a submission for counsel for a university system in the Southeast. I’ve only ever worked at one law firm for 10 years, but I do have significant community involvement. Some of the partners at my law firm know that I am looking, so I can list them and they would be good references. Does anyone have suggestions as to who (generally) to list as references? I assume they want someone who has worked with you and can vouch for your abilities, but would it be ok to list someone who you’ve worked with in terms of community activism, etc?
Anon
I’ve put an executive director of a nonprofit whose board I sat on.
Anon
How do you deal with annoying male bicyclists who yell at you while trying to pass you?
I’ve recently started biking using citibike in NYC and have found it aggravating not because of the cars, but mostly because of annoying male cyclists who needlessly will yell at me “Heads up!” or “To the left” as they try to pass me, instead of using a bell. One of them even dared to lecture me – I was trying to turn left and put my left arm to signal literally and he actually had the guts to lecture me that I should have sticked to the right of the road. So far, it’s only men, never women, who would do this to me. I can’t help but want to yell back, “Use your bell, it’s safer and there for a reason!” Weirdly enough, whenever I feel more feminine clothes when biking (skirt/pink top), I’d get a lot more men trying to yell at me when passing. When I wore pants or black tops, I was not as likely to get passed. It felt like some of the men felt a greater need to pass me and yell at me when I was dressed in a more conventionally attractive way. Am I just imagining this or has anyone had similar experience?
I grew up biking everywhere in China with much more dangerous conditions, so I find it ridiculous that some guy who just bought a professional riding gear and some lycra thinks he can school me. The “heads up” comments are especially maddening to me. I want to yell back, “My head is already up, it’s yours that’s stupid for not using a bell!” Ugh, weirdly enough, biking in China was actually less aggravating because everyone was just trying to get somewhere and people all know that the guy going super fast is endangering everyone else and being inconsiderate. I could go on and on about this, and feel like this seems to be a uniquely American male cyclist/Lance Armstrong wannabe problem.
Cat
The lecture is annoying (that’s happened to me too) but heads up OR on your left are both perfectly acceptable alerts IMHO… bells can sometimes be confusing to people (especially if you’re near pedestrians crossing, as it tends to startle them and get them to move unpredictably).
Nati
I agree with this. It’s certainly jarring to feel yelled at. However, I really do think verbal acknowledgements are better than bells, and both are considered perfectly appropriate in my city that has quite a cycling community.
Anonymous
Agreed. “On your left” is more standard in my cycling-heavy city experience than bells are, and easier/safer for bikers to do.
Anonymous
This. ‘On your left’ is standard. I think ‘heads up’ is useless.
Torin
Agree. The lectures are annoying and unnecessary, but bells are much, much less common than “on your left” in biking in the US. I spent some time biking in China in my 20s as well and see where you’re coming from, but the standard cues are different here.
Personally, I also just prefer “on your left” over a bell because someone yelling is usually louder than a bell and gives me better warning. What aggravates me more are the people who _don’t_ say anything as they silently pass you. Speak up! I don’t know you’re coming!
Senior Attorney
Agree with all this. In So Cal nobody uses a bell — it’s all “on your left” and so on.
Samantha Bloom
Yes, I agree that a verbal notification “on your left” is more standard in SoCal.
Anon
“On your left” or, to a lesser extent, “Passing” is de rigeur here. Not many folks have bells on road/commuter bikes. They’re more common on mountain bikes here.
Anonymous
+1. And staying to the right is also not bad advice.
Anonymous
Uh – I don’t bike to work regularly, but from what I see in the park on the weekends, the “on your left” is much more common than a bell.
Anonymous
On your left is also what you hear from runners when you are a mere walker. Runners don’t have bells. I think it’s just what people do out of habit when they pass people.
I have a bell on my bike but always thought it was rude like honking a horn. Bothering to call out nicely “on your left” seemed friendlier.
Anon in NYC
Yep. It may feel jarring for somebody to be shouting that at you, but they’re trying to be both safe and courteous.
Anonymous
You need to get over it. Yelling “heads up” or “on your left” is standard NYC biking culture. This isn’t horrible men yelling at you it is responsible cyclists following local safety norms. It’s nice you’re super into bells but in a loud and crowded city they often simply aren’t good enough.
LaurenB
I think “grew up in China” is the key thing here. In the US, we generally don’t use bells. We say “on your left!” in a loud voice. This isn’t about “male bicyclists” – I say it and my husband says it. Honestly it would never occur to me to buy / use a bell. I think you’re better off understanding that this is American bike etiquette and not personal in nature.
Anonymous
You’re not going to get people to use their bell if they’re used to shouting. If shouting is what people are used to hearing, it may be safer than the bell by force of convention (so pay attention to whether people are hearing and responding to your bell). Aside from that, I honestly think you are right about cycling culture in the US and the cycling bros.
cbackson
Agreed. There are a lot of jerky cycling bros in the US, but using bells is not particularly common here. I own four bikes; the only one with a bell is my mountain bike (and it’s made in Germany, where they’re standard).
Anonymous
I actually prefer “on your left” to the incessant bell-ringing when I have already moved all the way over to the right. At least these guys know to pass you on the left!
Minnie Beebe
So… I used to race bikes, and worked in the bicycle industry for a while. My theory about male cyclists (and I’m talking about the lycra-wearing, racer-wannabe types, who don’t ever get on the bike without a Strava goal in mind) is this: MANY of them were misfits, in high school and/or college. When they discovered cycling, they were suddenly “cool” and anyone who isn’t part of that small “club” is by definition less worthy of respect than them. Also, there’s a little bit of “punching down” going on– as cyclists, they’re constantly getting yelled at/threatened by truck drivers, taxis, whatnot. When there’s an opportunity to pick on someone with less perceived power in the situation (i.e. you, in a skirt/heels) they can and will take advantage of that.
No solution, other than to just ignore it and/or laugh at them.
Anon
You are describing to a tee at least two hardcore cyclist guys I work with.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I disagree about the bell thing but I totally agree that a lot of cyclists are just the total worst.
Mary Ann Singleton
I don’t disagree with this (lots of aggro stupidity from people who suddenly feel powerful and cool on their high end road bike), but I also want to mention that in my 10 years as a road biker (racing, club rides, centuries, etc.), I have encountered some of the coolest, most respectful, feminist guys ever. When I ride with my cycling club (mixed group), there’s no chauvinist behavior. Women are expected to fix their own flat tires etc but everyone is always more than happy to lend a hand when needed. Guys are cool with waiting at the top of big climbs one day, and the next day getting smoked on the same climb by a strong woman leaving them in the dust. Strangely there has been much less mansplaining and “schooling” in this environment than I see at work or in almost any other mixed environment. So here’s to all the cool guy out on bikes!
Side note – agree with others that the OP will need to rethink why the cyclists are calling out “on your left” – it’s the respectful thing to do when passing so you don’t startle the person you are passing and creating an unsafe situation for both of you.
Anonymous
As someone who can’t hear out of her right ear, I greatly appreciate the directional call. I would have no idea where the other cyclist is coming from if all I heard was a bell. I call passing on your left when I am running past someone so as not to startle them and do the same on my bike. That doesn’t mean that people don’t MOVE left sometimes . . . but I try. Right or wrong, I find bells to be obnoxious!
Anon
Somewhat unrelated, but I spent parts of my twenties in China and your description of US vs. Chinese biking culture is spot on an made me smile this morning :)
CJ
Agree with the above. In Portland “On your left” is the standard warning. Many people riding their own bikes don’t even have bells. I feel like Heads Up is a little more of a “warning” in the sense that it does imply you aren’t looking, so I’m not sure about that.
LawyrChk
It may annoy you, but they are actually correct on this. “On your left” is the right way to do this within cycling culture.
Anonymous
*within US cycling culture.
anon
In my city, “on your left!” is the standard for passing on the trails, which I realize is different from city biking, but it’s not unheard of and/or unsafe. The bells startle me.
Anon
This definitely isn’t a male cyclist problem – “on your left” is standard here. Everyone uses it and I’m glad they do. I find it easier to figure out what’s going on than hearing a random bell and wondering if it’s meant for me.
BeenThatGuy
Interestingly enough, everyone I see walking around the city has headphones on. It’s a miracle anyone can even hear “on your left” or a bell anyway!
Anonymous
In my city, the cyclists rarely say anything. I’ve been hit from behind twice while running (on the far right or even next to the mixed-use path).
Anon Walker
I don’t cycle, but walk on shared biking/pedestrian trails (SE US). “On your left!” is definitely standard and more helpful to pedestrians who aren’t used to listening for bells. Shouting is also easier to hear over headphones, and less startling to dogs. I also hear a lot of “Walker up!” shouted as a warning from the lead biker in a group, and find that immensely helpful to both me and them. On a curvy forest trail I have no way of knowing there’s more bikers coming, and there’s no way to communicate that with a bell.
Anonymous
yeah im female and yell ‘on your left’ frequently because…im coming up on the left!
C2
“On your left” is 100% correct and standard. You need to communicate on the road: adding “4 back!” or similar is a courtesy for a few people in a pace line. “Car back!” if there’s a group riding on an open road. “Slowing!” “Stopping!” “Clear!” at roadways are also helpful if you know people may be near behind you. Bells are the literal worst. I don’t know where it’s coming from and I’m probably going 16-17 mph, I don’t need to try to look around to find you. If someone wants to blow past me at 18-20+, I need to know where they are. Frankly, there is no way in heck am I going to put a bell on my fancy road bike, much less take hands of the hoods and brakes in order to use it – I need to be prepared for some child or dog to dart out. Or a slower rider to cut left. This dude’s lecture was probably too far, I’m sorry he felt the need to do that.
Amberwitch
In the US. In Denmark bicycle bells are required by law to make a bike street legal. And the MAMILs yelling at me when I bike are way out of line and get yelled right back at.
Anon
I would imagine the Lycra clad crowd of biker bros look down on Citibike users and you are probably picking up on some of that. Like they assume you don’t know what you’re doing.
Anonymous
In case you’re still reading – I live and bike in NYC and while I agree that “on your left” is normal and appropriate, bike bells are actually required by law in the city and it’s a good idea to use both, depending on the situation. One of the most stressful parts of bike commuting here is the pressure from other cyclists who are super aggressive about speeding through intersections, riding against traffic, etc., and see more relaxed riders as inconvenient road blocks. You have to find a way to tune out other people’s rage and do what keeps you safe. Bike New York has a bike safety class that’s super helpful in understanding traffic rules/rights for cyclists.
BB
What are good resources to get some rough idea of what I should be paying for a new car? I know about True Car, but are there others to check out before I go to the dealer?
JTM
I found Cars dot com to be helpful, along with the actual brand websites for the brands I was interested in, to see what models/packages are available and what the MSRP is.
MJ
Edmunds dot com and kelley blue book dot com. Check out the exact model you want and the exact trim packages. You could also try using cartelligent or costco to negotiate the car for you. way less stressful and worth $1000 or so in my book.
TheElms
We used Costco to buy a car in the last 6 months and the price they gave us was very good. We called around to other non-Costco program dealers and they would not match it.
Anon
I wanted to follow up on some of yesterday’s comments on the (highly suspect) post about living in a diverse area, but I’m not looking to rehash that exact fight. My question is specifically about bad street behavior, including but not limited to homeless people and the problems that tend to accompany them. Some of the comments yesterday were along the lines of “just be compassionate” and “learn how to use Narcan,” but I don’t understand why that’s the main approach or how it’s supposed to hold people accountable. Where I live, it’s ALL about the compassion, to the point where the streets in the worst areas are downright impassable and no bad behavior, including rampant open-air drug use and fighting, is ever cracked down on. The homeless budget is in the hundreds of millions (literally), but the streets are disgusting and there are regular “incidents” ranging the gamut from public defecation to murder. I’m not ashamed to admit that I choose to live in areas where these problems are less acute. In my field, I already work with vulnerable populations and I donate to charity (although I don’t volunteer locally); am I alone in saying that in my neighborhood, I’d prefer not to have to watch my back constantly and sacrifice my own rights to walk my neighborhood in peace? Aren’t we all bound by the same social contract that says that we all have an obligation to use, but not abuse, public spaces meant for all? I know that not all cities have such extensive funding going towards homelessness, but there is certainly a difference between being homeless and being a nuisance at best and a danger at worst. I think the former is inevitable (in the USA, at least), but the latter is unacceptable. How is it compassionate to let people with 30+ years of untreated severe mental illness coupled with a heroin addiction wallow in filth on the streets and make life harder for everyone else, including people already living with severe disadvantages?
I chose to move somewhere where the problems are a LOT less in my face and I already feel safer and more at peace (although I do work with vulnerable populations in my field, it feels different when my living situation is improved). I’m confident in my choice, but yesterday’s post made me wonder whether others here see a benefit to living right in the thick of serious social problems rather than living elsewhere, but donating your time/energy/compassion in other ways. I could see a role for increased feelings of community and bonding with neighbors to address problems, but is that enough for you to overlook the rest? Would you take the street conditions into consideration when moving somewhere new? How can you be compassionate without ignoring the real problems of the status quo?
Anonymous
Literally no one is saying you are a bad person for wanting to live in a safe neighborhood. Of course people take “street conditions” into account when choosing where to live. This is a total straw man argument. People yesterday were taking issue with the OP who was clearly racist and xenophobic.
Anonymous
Exactly. Of course you don’t have to live some place you aren’t safe. There are plenty of safe places that aren’t all white enclaves with no ESL students.
Anonymous
Are you in LA or SF? That is a level of craziness I had not expected with homeless people and their behavior (and I grew up in NYC before it became so sanitized in the LES / East Village area).
I draw the line at needles and consider that an area beyond my ability to help.
Anon
Sounds like Berkeley too, specifically people’s park. I am compassionate toward the homeless but less so toward people who have just decided to make it a lifestyle choice and are not looking to get off the streets, which, after all, belong to all of us.
Anonymous
I swear Like a Rolling Stone started playing in the back of my mind just from reading this post.
Cb
It’s a tough dilemma. I grew up in a small town in the US and now live in an area with a high level of social deprivation in the UK – mostly social housing, high rates of unemployment, teen pregnancy, etc.
While I like our home and the fact that our neighbourhood is quite close-knit, it does wear on you after awhile. The violence isn’t random so I don’t feel personally unsafe but it’s not nice to have your kid woken up by the noise of teens fighting in the street or a neighbour threatening to bludgeon another neighbour. I also worry about my husband – men seem to be more at risk of random attacks. We have to call the police pretty regularly and it is definitely getting old.
My husband would have moved yesterday but I’m conflicted – we’re involved with the community and if everyone who has the resources and commitment ups and leaves, how will things ever change?
Anonymous
Girl leave. You don’t feel safe. I think a lot of this is false guilt- you aren’t changing things by being there. I’m sure you want to and are trying to! You seem like a really good person! But these problems are a massive structural issue. Your husband isn’t white I don’t think which makes me worry more for him.
Anonymous
I feel like PBS has made me so myopic about the UK. Like it’s not all Downton Abbey. Which I know, but when I think of teen pregnancy, I would never think of the UK. I think of rural US or inner cities or third world countries (all places where it might be completely normal to have a kid in your teens b/c you are essentially a grownup at that point) but not the UK.
Cb
Highest teen pregnancy rates in Europe! Not quite Downton Abbey.
Anonymous
So Daisy/Onslow/Rose are more typical than Hyacinth Bucket? Yikes. The UK seems so expensive and so education-heavy that I imagine that teen pregnancy sets a girl back immensely more than it does in the US (have seen one teen mom become an RN and get her kids out of poverty, but it was with much family help and in a LCOL area).
And now I’m having Trainspotting flashbacks . . .
cbackson
@Anonymous: the UK is expensive but they have a much stronger social safety net than we do. I’ve not seen stats but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if educational and other life outcomes are better for teen moms in the UK than in the US (and for their children).
Anonymous
Sorry but the people saying – be compassionate, learn to give them medical care (WTF) undoubtedly love and work in the suburbs and see a homeless person when they go to a museum once a month and then go down the spiral of – poor guy, wonder what happened in his life. They’re not dealing every day or even seeing it. Personally I don’t care if the community improves or not, I worked long and hard to not have to deal with such things. For those who want to make it their mission to improve the world one panhandler at a time, great for you.
Anon
Yeah….the Narcan comment was just off. Totally over the top expectation.
Anonymous
lol there is some truth to what you’re saying. Compassion fatigue is real
Anonymous
I think you raise some valid issues. But to me it doesn’t sound like what you are saying is that different from saying “I don’t want to live in Times Square with hoards of tourists blocking my sidewalk, litter, and lots of annoying, aggressive peddlers of everything from comedy show tickets to Elmo photos. I want to be able to walk to get coffee in peace and not have to dodge tour buses to get there… and I don’t want to worry about pickpockets that are drawn to the area because tourists make easy targets”
I am purposefully using these examples because to me you’re largely neutral as to the issues you raise. I don’t want to live in Times Square either. I want a quiet-ish neighborhood and I think that’s reasonable. I think what yesterday’s comments decried is something different. The result may even be the same, but the impulse matters.
Equestrian Attorney
It’s clearly not compassionate to let people with mental illness or drug addiction “wallow in filth” but that’s not really the point, though. Drug addiction is real and while “personal accountability” sounds attractive in theory, in practice it means letting people die in the streets. What do you suggest we do with these people? Where do you want them to go?
Of course most people won’t voluntarily move next to a drug den. That’s very different from the discussion yesterday about race. I have neighbors spanning a vast array of ethnicities and national origins, but none of them are drug addicts or criminals (that I know of). We have barbecues and they watch our cat while we’re gone. I know this may not be what you are saying, but living in an ethnically diverse area does not necessarily equal crime-ridden drug haven (in fact, I believe a large percentage of narcotics users are caucasian).
My area does have a problem with homelessness and I donate to local shelters and often give people on the street a few dollars as long as they are not being rude or aggressive. It doesn’t make me happy, but I also have no plans to move and want to make the area better. Homeless people in my area very rarely make me feel unsafe – most of them just seem sad.
Anonymous
Equestrian Attorney, this may be a little off topic. However it sparked a memory when I read your comment about not planning to move. I know you are referring to your neighbourhood, didn’t you have a job opportunity aboard? How did that go?!? Did you take the decision to stay?
Equestrian Attorney
Good memory :) I did the first interview (on the phone) and unfortunately it wasn’t quite what I expected and the pay was too low to justify dragging us halfway across the world. I’m staying put for now, but have to say this gave me the travel bug so I’m casually looking for the right opportunity to go abroad. I signed up for a certification that might be helpful in securing these positions – we’ll see how it goes!
DCAnon
I think the underlying issue is that many people choose to self-segregate so they can pretend social problems don’t exist or aren’t complex issues affecting complex people. (Since you work in a field dealing with these populations, that’s not you.) It’s the people who self-segregate and then vote against treatment programs, housing initiatives that get people off the streets, or even just vote against schools’ funding adding to the pipeline issue, who are the problem. Those aren’t issues for them, so just avoid the people suffering and lower taxes! (/sarcasm)
Anonymous
I’m one of those people. So what? I don’t want to see it and am not thrilled about my tax dollars being spent on such things – though they still are. So what if I feel it’s my right to live as I want.
Senior Attorney
So if you neither want to see it nor have your money spent to address it, it makes you kind of an awful person.
Anonymous
Oh come on. Spending tax dollars on “a place to use the bathroom that isn’t the street” obviously benefits literally everyone (until the day your gated community successfully blocks disease vectors, I guess).
Anonymous
Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t understand why you have to live in the place where this stuff is happening in order to help? Or be woke? Or something? Is the assumption that if enough nice educated professionals live some place it will get better? Isn’t that just called gentrification? And isn’t gentrification bad because it causes property prices to rise and forces out the people who were living there before?
Anon
Gentrification isn’t bad. Slate, Quartz, and other mainstream left publications have delved into that in recent years. It improves property values for long-term residents who own and allows them to build wealth (think of how insane the property values have gotten in NYC and SF – people living in tiny two bedroom apartments they got in the 1970s are now all set). It does impact some renters, though.
Anonymous
I think gentrification is a mixed bag, good for the long-term owners, but bad for long-term renters who do get forced out. I live in downtown Jersey City, and there’s a lot of hostility surrounding transplants, even though apparently 15 years ago downtown was the picture of urban blight and is now totally safe. And even long-term owners are being priced out, as they’ve recently done a tax re-eval and a lot of downtown properties have tax burdens that have tripled or quadrupled (e.g. my 4-unit brownstone went from $9k a year to $29k). So if they can’t afford taxes, they sell and make a tidy profit, but then where do they go? If I lived somewhere my entire life and got forced out in my 60s or 70s, I’d be pissed too.
DCR
I don’t disagree with the decision to live an area that doesn’t have widespread open air-drug use or violence, and would make the same decision. But I do strongly disagree that it is necessary to live in a lily white area to avoid those problems. I live in a very racially and social economically diverse area of DC, walk around the city core consistently, and have never had to step over a needle on the street. I do often have homeless people asking for money, but I think that is just a function of living in a city in the major US and normally happens by work, not home. The worst I have had to deal with when living in diverse areas of NYC and DC is (typically white guys) smoking weed in public parks – which I personally hate, but again is an activity I’ve mainly seen from white dudes and which sadly seems socially acceptable in my city.
Anonymous
Geez, better smoking weed than needles on the street.
DCR
I guess if I had to choose between the two, I would pick smoking weed. But I don’t want dudes hanging out at the park right next to the playground smoking week either. I think that is just as disrespectful of your neighbors as the other things mentioned, it is just more socially acceptable because it is activity largely done by young white people.
Mom Bod
I grew up in a working class minority neighborhood. I never had a problem. No visible drug use, no muggings, no fights. Just hardworking people, with cheap food all around!
I will say, I think there are fewer “safe” working class neighborhoods. My old neighborhood is far, far more expensive than it used to be.
Anonymous
I don’t know the answer. I live downtown in a Canadian city and while I love the location, access to public transit, lots of stores/restaurants nearby, etc…there’s a methadone clinic around the corner with all sorts of interesting people hanging around outside it, homeless people fighting on my corner daily, and until recently homeless people were sleeping in the lobby of my apartment building (landlord finally put a lock on the outside door). I’m kind of exhausted by it all. The crazy thing is rent is so high in this neighbourhood.
Anonymous
I’ve lived in three very different types of neighborhoods in my life (okay more than three but three that are relevant to this topic). I grew up in a small city in the “bad” most urban neighborhood (i.e. the least white) as a white kid in a low to middle income family. I think there were good and bad parts, just like growing up anywhere. My house got broken into half a dozen times when I was growing up (and our cars got broken into a few more times) but we had insurance and were never home. And while there was definitely crime in my neighborhood, people knew me, they knew my family, and I mostly had no issues and ran around and played just like any other kid. When I was a teenager and in college especially, I appreciated that I had a much, MUCH more realistic view of the world than some of my friends who had grown up in very insulated suburbs and had been given more freedom to explore the world (the good and the bad at times). But some of that is how my parents chose to raise me – we went to a church that emphasized social justice, when I didn’t want to go to camp one summer, my parents had me volunteer at a soup kitchen, that sort of thing. I don’t necessarily think it wasn’t experiences I couldn’t have gotten if we lived in the suburbs, it was about choices. But, at the end of the day, I always felt fairly safe.
Then I moved to DC for a few years after college (college was in the first super white suburb I’d ever lived in…that was weird). And I lived in three neighborhoods but the most notable was one that was significantly more dangerous than the others. All four of my male roommates got mugged in the six months I lived there (I took cabs home after dark) and one time a bullet came through our front window when someone drove up our street shooting. That level of violence was intolerable and I don’t think there was anything morally improving about experiencing it….other than increasing my commitment to fighting for stronger gun laws and anti-poverty efforts that aren’t just gentrification. But after that, I swore I’d never live somewhere where I couldn’t feel safe walking the streets, I don’t think there’s anything particularly wrong with that (even though there were still lots of things I liked about that neighborhood).
Now I live in a suburb. It’s a more diverse suburb than most but it’s still a suburb but at least my city’s suburbs still have individual character and aren’t just strip-malls. I don’t know if I’ll ever love living out of the city but it was a middle ground with my husband who would like to live in the country which….I’m scared of chickens, I don’t think farm life is for me. But if/when we have kids, I want to make sure my kids have some of the same experiences I had growing up. Because while I don’t think being physically unsafe has any moral value, I think having a realistic view of what the world and poverty outside of your bubble really actually looks like does.
I also think that conversation yesterday was weird because, between the death of mill towns and the spread of the opioid epidemic, there are plenty of mostly white small towns that are rife with violence and drugs. If anything, I think some of them have worse problems than “cosmopolitan” areas (certainly *Arlington* which has gotten fairly fancy in the last decade or two). The problems of poverty, violence, and drugs are much much more complex then I think a lot of people think of them, and they aren’t just an urban problem, but I also don’t think I’d ever want to live or raise kids in a place where everyone looks and thinks the same way.
I don’t think there’s any right answer to this sort of thing….there’s just being aware of what choices you’ve made, why you’ve made them, and what you can do to make the world a better place within the scope of your abilities.
anon
where in DC was this?
Anonymous
It was god, ten years ago now so it may very well have changed by now as DC neighborhoods do, but it was kind of between what you might call south Columbia Heights but it was between Columbia Heights and U Street over by Georgia Avenue. There were some very nice things about that house/neighborhood but not enough to make up for the downsides.
anon
Interesting. I lived in that neighborhood 10 years ago too. I do remember it was pretty rough.
CityLawyer
I think it’s shameful that the US is a wealthy country and yet we allow our most vulnerable citizens to live on the streets, exposed to the elements and who knows what else. I understand why institutions were closed, but sometimes when I pass dozens of clearly mentally ill people on the streets, I think they would be a more humane option. They do also contribute to a considerable amount of street harassment, and I don’t think that people should be subjected to that. Nor should we be exposed to needles in the subway, which I saw just this morning.
anon
+1. Completely agree with you on how closing mental health institutions has led to even bigger problems. I understand WHY it was done, but most communities did not build up the support and resources to get people the help they need. At least that’s the case in my state, where this was a huge debate about 11-12 years ago. The mental health professionals I know are appalled at how it’s all turned out.
And as someone who has been harassed — on multiple occasions, in my small city — I am compassionate to a point, but I also don’t think I should be subjected to catcalls or being called a b!tch or worse when I’m going about my everyday business.
Anon
I agree with this. Putting up with bad conditions means that someone else (and often women) has to pay the price. In my city, a disability rights group sued the public transit system because the station elevators were so full of human excrement on a daily basis that manual wheelchair users (who put their hands directly on the wheels) could not use them safely. Women also reported feeling very unsafe around the drug-addicted men frequenting those elevators, including women with strollers and elderly women who couldn’t necessarily use an alternate route or escape from a bad situation quickly. I don’t think we get to ignore their rights when they’re not the ones making public transit unsafe.
I also know that my city is considering changing its laws regarding guardianship/custodianship so that people on the streets who are truly incapable of caring for themselves come under state care. This process definitely needs to be monitored, but I would strongly support such an initiative.
Anonymous
+1. In other cities I take the Metro and walk, but in SF the stations are filthy with excrement, and fill up in the evening with rows of the marginally functional looking for a place to sleep. Most of them are fine, but almost every trip there is either someone who screams at me or follows me aggressively panhandling. The City doesn’t seem to give a damn about maintaining a clean or safe environment.
CityLawyer
How horrible for the wheelchair users! Do you know the outcome of the lawsuit?
I agree with PPs that society got rid of institutions but didn’t replace them with anything. Many people with mental illness certainly can live on their own with the proper supports, but some people just honestly cannot, and I think we’ve really failed them.
I don’t want to go back to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest situations, but I would love to see our most vulnerable mentally ill people in clean, safe institutions where they are cared for and are not left out freezing and hungry.
Anon
No, not sure of the outcome – it was filed in spring of 2017 and I can’t seem to find anything more recent than that.
Anonymous
My city has a huge opioid problem, and many substance abusers are self-medicating mental health problems with drugs.
There are also long waiting lists for treatment facilities. My ex manages one.
On the mental health side, there aren’t enough psychiatrists. There are long waiting lists.
The local treatment nonprofit wants to build a new facility, and the local elected officials and neighbors have come out saying our city is “already doing their fair share”. They want neighboring, more rural areas, to “step up” and build a facility. They say numerically, we have more treatment centers (which is true) but we also have 10xs the population, so per capita, I don’t see it as excessive. Also, there’s no public transportation in rural areas. How will patients get there? If the patients live here, shouldn’t we treat them here? Its just NIMBYism, as far as I can tell.
Anonymous
Yes, in my state (and I would imagine most others) the county jail is the largest mental health provider. Which tells you everything you need to know.
Anon
And, truthfully, many of these individuals do not want to live in shelters, supervised housing, nor institutions. It’s quite the dilemma.
I cannot imagine the difficulties of the public transit systems and especially those reported herein. What’s the actual legal response? I’m sure there’s no way that law enforcement can be on those places regularly enough to be solid “protectors” nor a presence to dissuade problems, filth, violence.
In our area, it’s those living under freeway overpasses and standing around on the corners of intersections. I commute when it’s dark outside and it’s hard to visually track them to be sure they aren’t crossing the streets or whatnot as a driver. Nothing what these other readers are reporting in terms of worry.
Be careful out there ‘rettes.
Anonymous
Just a quick thanks to everyone who reassured me that yes a nutritionist can help with weight loss- turns out my insurance even covers ten sessions a year and I have an appointment for next week. Really appreciate the support.
Anon
Woo good for you! Good luck. Great that you can get it covered by insurance to boot.
Anonymous
Wow, that’s awesome!
Anonymous
It’s awesome that you’re seeing someone, there are a lot of great nutritionists out there. As an FYI to anyone that may not know, the professional designation for the field is Registered Dietitian or Registered Dietitian Nutritionist. In most places anyone can call themselves a nutritionist, even if they have not studied the science of nutrition. I have a relative who is very strict about being called a dietitian rather than a nutritionist. :)
4 kids while working
Hi,
Does anyone here have 4 kids or know of anyone who has 4 kids and is a working mom (and a working dad, no stay at home parent)? I am a lawyer and thinking I want 4 kids. Is it a huge difference to go from 3 to 4? If it makes a difference, I do have a live-in nanny who helps with a lot of things. Any thoughts or comments appreciated.
Thanks in advance!
Cb
I plug this all the time but Laura Vanderkam’s book and blog covers this.
4 kids while working
Which book of hers?
Amy H.
She herself has four kids (and several books), but I think Cb is referring to the book “I Know How She Does It.”
Anonymous
My cousins grew up this way – all turned out to be wonderful, successful adults. They had a nanny, too. Not live-in, but she was there all the time. And they had the same nanny from the time the first was born. She did a lot of household chores, too. Grocery, laundry, etc.
Anon in NYC
There was a post about this on the Mom’s page a while back. See https://corporettemoms.com/lawyer-mom-to-four-kids/
Anonymous
Not in my industry (law) but in medicine I see this a lot — 3/4 kids + nanny (often dr/dr or dr/rn or dr/etc. couples).
DCR
A very well respected female partner at my firm had 4 kids. They were all in middle school or older by the time I meet her, so I don’t know how the younger years went. But, the sense I got, is that it is possible, but you have to be willing to outsource a lot. She has a nanny still, and her youngest is 15. When the kids were younger, she had a more than full time nanny and a housekeeper/cook. Her husband had a job, but I’m not sure if it was 40 hours a week or more. And I’m not really sure how much time she spends with her kids, since she often bills 2500+ hours a year.
I also know a senior female associate, who had three kids and worked part time. Between her and her husband, who had a weird work schedule, they spent a lot of time with the kids but still outsourced a ton. It is just a trade off of what you want.
Anonymous
+1 to having a full-time nanny even when the kids are older. I know many families who have done that. The job becomes less about childcare and more of a housekeeper.
TK
This doctor with 4 kids did a post for Corporette Moms a while back:
https://corporettemoms.com/nyc-doctor-mom/
Ms B
Anecdata here because I stopped at one, but my friends who have multiple kids actually say that the transition from 3 to 4 was a lot easier than the transition from 2 to 3.
YMMV, the third kid seems to be the point where most of my female lawyer friends went from doing it themselves with day care or babysitters to having live-in help (with a few exceptions like my friend who is a career law clerk with an official work from home schedule one day a week and another friend who has two in high school/middle school and a second grader where spacing was her friend). You already have that, so the additional load of the fourth allegedly is not so bad until you get to the late elementary/middle school phase where it is all driving kids somewhere all the time. At that point, additional babysitters appear to be the norm, but if you have the kids relatively clustered, you may be able to move from a nanny to more of a household manager/driver at that point, or even two afternoon/evening sitters who work in tandem.
Never too many shoes...
Anecdata – my cousin has four kids (all born in 5.5 years), is a corporate vice president and has a husband who works full-time. They had a nanny when the kids were younger.
Seafinch
I am a federal government lawyer and pregnant with my fourth (but in Canada). We also always have live-in Au Pairs, which for me, personally, is essential. I couldn’t ‘t do it otherwise, or wouldn’t want to. I found there to be zero difference to go to three. If I wasn’t so old, we would go for five.
anon
I grew up one of 6. My mom is a lawyer (in a firm, billed a ton of hours) and dad worked in a bank. It can be done! We all went to daycare. No household help, though in retrospect my parents definitely should have gotten at least a weekly house cleaner since they were very stressed trying to do all the house chores themselves.
With a lot of kids, you just have to help them be more self-sufficient and interdependent among each other, and they should be expected to do age-appropriate tasks around the house.
anon
I am stuck in mod for an earlier response, but me!! I’m a lawyer and work 50-60 hours a week, with four kids under 10. Had them in under five years. DH works full time as well, and we do not have a full time nanny and never did. Post an email if you want to talk more! I LOVE having four and have found that, in a professional setting, when people learn this about me, they are generally surprised and impressed (or, at least they act like they are impressed).
4 kids while working
How did you manage without a nanny? Daycare? Also, would love more detail on people at work react when they find out!
Anonymous
My sister has four kids. She is a teacher though, so at least the hours are manageable. (She does a ton of work at home when the kids are asleep.) Her husband is a police officer. When the kids were younger, he worked 3 12-hour shifts, including the weekend, so they only needed child care one day a week. Now that the kids are older, he works a 9-5 M-F shift.
SSJD
I have 4 kids. My husband and I both have careers (I now work part-time). We had au pairs when the youngest were babies and we both worked full-time. The youngest two are a set of twins, thus the 4. Therefore I cannot really comment on the 3 kids to 4 kids transition.
It can definitely be done! Many of our friends have 4 kids. It takes some adjustments and outsourcing and certainly lots of juggling. For certain it can be done. My kids are so happy and love each other. One more sibling is something they can never really give themselves. That sounds super cheesy, but I wanted to mention it because I do think that they enrich each other’s lives.
This summer our older 2 were away at sleep away camp and we just had the twins home, and I couldn’t believe how insanely easy it felt with only two kids. My point is that if you have 4, you will get the hang of it and make it work. (What I need to do is convince myself that we have 6 kids and that right now 2 are away so that having “only 4” feels easy! Ha!)
I will say that it’s expensive. Going on vacation by plan and buying 6 airplane tickets: expensive. Thinking about college tuition and costs: expensive! Just paying for school sports for all of them and buying sneakers each season is expensive. But it’s just money. (I realize that “it’s just money” is a privileged perspective; it’s one I am lucky to have.)
Window Shop
Let’s pretend money is no object. And we aren’t caring about practicality. What item is on your wish list right now?
Cb
A Burberry trench. As a teenager, I read an article in Vogue or Marie Claire about having a custom made burberry trench with fuchsia cashmere lining (maybe by Plum Sykes) and this has been my fashion ideal ever since. I’d also like all white linen bedding.
Ms B
I read that article (yes, it was Plum Sykes and her lining was, of course, plum) and I got the made to order trench (not made to measure – that would be bespoke, this was customization of a trench from a standard cut and size). No regrets whatsoever despite the cost and the two visits to DC that were necessary. On a per wear basis, the trench has been only pennies. And I plan to upgrade to the cashmere lining next year . . .
Cb
Haha, I love that someone remembers this. I’m too messy for a tan trench, I fear.
MJ
The custom ones come in black. They’ve been on my list since I lived in the UK 15 years ago. The issue is that I am extremely long of arm, and even the custom ones (women’s) could not be made long enough), because as mentioned above, they make them based on certain templates. It was very sad for me!
Ms B
+1 on dirty tan, plus Burberry tan is a bad color for me. Mine is black in a tech fabric that is like butter (but still water resistant) with a classic plaid lining, a red merino button in (customized with pockets for my phone and sunnies!), and I have a black warmer. I did, in fact, have my sleeves lengthened (plus, “Yohji” sleeves like Plum’s, with a slight bell to lie well over the combo of blouse and suit coat plus wristwatch), but I am very short of arm, so there was plenty of fabric to work with.
MJ, try the men’s sizes for made to order. You might have better luck — plus The Hubs has noticed that their lines have gotten slimmer and longer of arm lately . . .
Anon
Ha, I remember that article too! I was also a teenager when I read it.
Anon
All I want these days is leopard print anything. Like this pair of Loeffler Randall Jane Leopard-Print Pumps…but I don’t work in a job where I can wear heels ever. So I lust after but don’t buy.
https://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/Loeffler-Randall-Jane-Leopard-Print-Round-Toe-Mid-Pumps/prod139700197/p.prod?ecid=BGCS__GooglePLA&utm_source=google_shopping&adpos=1o5&scid=scplpsku110711095&sc_intid=sku110711095&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_ZP0s6mD3QIVBF8NCh1pMAsZEAQYBSABEgL0yvD_BwE
PolyD
Ann Taylor has some nice leopard flats – that smoking loafer style or whatever they are called. They were 50% off yesterday… I may have ordered them…
C
Custom closet. I know, it’s a little on the practical side. But I’ve always wanted one and it’s unlikely the space and money to do it will align any time soon, if ever.
Anon
Oooh I like this one! What would be involved in said closet?
C
Wide, shallow drawers for jewelry and accessories. Individual shelves or cubbies for each pair of shoes. Huge full-length mirror with good lighting. Plenty of space for hanging clothes, all with matching hangers of course. Separate space to hang things to plan outfits. Lights inset into all drawers and shelves. Everything with a white finish, and everything at a height I can easily reach, with enough space for a white tufted leather couch in the middle of it all.
COtoNY
Swooning
anon
Oohh, third this. The first thing that came to mind was a vacation at a luxury hotel, maybe something like Amangiri in the desert, with just my husband, but custom closets would be a very close second.
Nati
A vespa. Does that count haha.
Anon
Yes of course it counts! What color?
Nati
The most important consideration! My gut says I’d choose a fun blue (teal? cornflower? baby?). My other (actually practical) wishlist item is the Kitchenaid mixer which also raises the “what colour?!” question.
Katie
Get the mixer! I chose cobalt blue, which coordinates beautifully with the few pieces of Le Creuset I’ve picked up (at TJ Maxx)!
At the top of my wish list is… a house in the DC metro. We’re saving up, but it’s a HCOL area and amassing a decent down payment is tough (we do not have financial help from family). Second on my wish list is a European honeymoon! Toss-up between the Amalfi Coast and Scotland.
Anonymous
I have one that’s baby blue. I love it, and it makes grocery shopping 10x more fun.
Anonymous
This is my midlife crisis vehicle. Does it feel dangerous to drive it? I live in a small town right outside a big city and traffic is a bear here.
Pompom
Well, since it is apparently for sale, a president I like?
Torin
Hah!
CountC
My favorite local jewelry store has a couple of pieces that I am lusting after, so those and some original art by one of my favorite female artists. And then more art and more jewelry. I also would buy a refurbished camper van so that I could travel the country with the dogs and take it to races so I can camp overnight.
Oh and also a lot of land near the mountains or a lake or both where I would eventually build a small eco-friendly house.
cbackson
A Parlee TT bike.
LadyB
I would LOVE to upgrade my TT!
cbackson
I’m currently using a borrowed Cannondale Slice. I have a Parlee gravel bike and it’s amazing – I’ve heard the TT bikes are fantastic. I know TT is a niche interest in the US but I loooooooove it.
Mary Ann Singleton
I test rode a Parlee road bike and I loved it.
Anonymous
A beach house, complete with enough room for my entire extended family to stay comfortably, a giant top of the line kitchen to cook together in, and great porches and balconies to watch the ocean from. I’d also like it to come with people to clean it and manage the property :)
Torin
OMG yes but replace with house in the mountains.
Also a new car. My car is sensible and gets me where I need to go in comfort, but I lust after a fancy new 4×4 Subaru with ground clearance for all my camping/offroad adventures.
Cat
well if we’re REALLY dreaming, a private plane and a house in the Caribbean that I’m flying it to…
Fashion-wise, I would love Alhambra earrings and a Cartier watch.
Anonymous
New kitchen, but specifically a fisher and paykel range with the oven that has the rolling over racks in it and a giant industrial hood that actually works. I lust after the ovens they have in the America’s Test Kitchen kitchen.
Anonymous
A Birkin or Kelly bag.
JS
Ooh what color and material?
Anonymous
I would do either black or a gray with gold hardware. B30 or K28.
Anon
I would do either black or a gray with gold hardware. B30 or K28.
Alanna of Trebond
I just got a vintage Kelly bag and it was not as expensive as I thought it would be. I have to get it restored, but it is amazing.
CPA Lady
Temple St. Clair jewelry. Pretty much any of it.
Anononon
Smaller item: Cartier tank watch.
Larger item: much larger home in a close-in suburb or a townhouse in the city with three deeded parking spaces. A girl can dream…
Oh and a sailboat.
Anon
I would build a new house on my exact lot. Maybe buy out the neighbor so I could have more room to build. I love my neighborhood and my neighbors but our home’s entire layout is horrible. I think a finished basement would be so useful as kids get older and have friends over. I’d also like to have a two car garage that’s connected to the house, and a shed to keep stuff in so we could actually park our cars in the garage.
(We will never have enough money to build a house – especially if we’re not selling our current one – and we would never get the permits for all the changes I want. So this is a purely dream scenario.)
Leah
LOL, I want the exact opposite! I love my house but hate my steep property. I’d love to pick up my house and move it to a nice, flat lot with lots of tall oaks.
Candidate
I want to take the top floor off my house and rebuild it. Or at the least, completely re-do the bathroom.
The thing that is stopping me now is that I want to rearrange several of the fixtures and that would require significant plumbing work, so I haven’t pulled the trigger.
Flats Only
A cozy flat in London with a second bedroom to use as a library. I spend so much time on Foxtons. And a job writing reviews of luxury vacations on behalf of a high-end hotel or tour company.
TCFKAG
A string of real black pearls. I saw one in an antique shop years ago for like $500 and didn’t buy it at the time because omg it was so expensive until I found out how much black pearls cost out in the world and I’ve always regretted not just buying it because it was beautiful.
Gail the Goldfish
Yes, black pearls! I want a set. I’d even take just a pendant. In fact, I think once I finally pay off student loans, that’s what I’ll buy myself in celebration.
Anon
Just be careful you’re buying real black pearls – Tahitians – and not dyed Chinese freshwater pearls. The difference is easily a zero or two on the end. But the dyed pearls have no investment value – they’re basically costume jewelry.
TCFKAG
That was one of the reasons I regret not making the purchase, this was a strand of real high quality black pearls which are almost impossible to find now.
My husband did get me a black pearl pendant for our wedding and I love it, though I have no idea if it’s real, but this was like a unicorn necklace. Current me is so mad at past me.
Anon
Just for eye candy:
https://kamokapearls.com/
(And if you follow them on Instagram there are often um … other types of eye candy. Divers. I’m talking about shirtless pearl divers)
Nati
I really like black diamonds. I am looking for an engagement ring, and I’m finding the black diamond ones are my favourite. I didn’t even know black diamonds existed until a month ago. Anyone else like them?
Ms B
Jaeger Lecoultre Reverso Duetto rose gold, rose gold bracelet, in the 40 mm size, with diamante on both sides of the bezel (instead of just the “night” side) and on the hour markers on the “night size”.
Not that that I’ve thought about it much or anything . . .
Anonymous
a purple shearling coat
Anonymous
I don’t want purple, and I really don’t need shearling in my climate, but this is my ultimate wardrobe piece. It seems the ultimate answer to stylish winter warmth. I want one that will last forever.
oil in houston
Mercedez BEnz, or Jaguar, I’m not fussy. But a cute little sporty car, super practical for a family of 4
lawsuited
I want a Mac Duggal floral dress. It’s not even on my wish list because it’s so impractical.
Ms B
I had to look this line up . . . and now I want one.
Anonymous
I want the perfect lap pool.
Anonymous
A beautiful 2 bedroom apartment in a prewar building in my current neighborhood, with a balcony and lots of trees out of the window.
And a cuyana silk tee.
Anonymous
Rolex. About $5k in new furniture. An investment property that I can renovate and rent out.
ANP
Big ticket: Kitchen renovation
Small(er) ticket: new purse, probably Coach or Kate Spade.
Rainbow Hair
Big money: redo the backyard with the help of a designer — make it a cozy ~oasis~ where everyone can’t wait to lounge.
Less big money: better bras x many.
Least money: fancy shampoo. I want that Verb stuff everyone is passionate about.
Marie
I have verb hair mask that I use once per week for deep conditioning. I got it as a decent sized birch box sample and I give it 5 stars. Not sure what the rest of their products are like, but the mask is worth buying!
Lobbyist
Tesla
Senior Attorney
Heh. Upper eyelid surgery…
Anon
A particular strand of south sea pearls at Kojima pearl. Not happening but I do visit them from time to time on the internet. (The Maya baroque strand if any of my fellow pearl girls are curious)
Anonymous
Bulgari jewellery.
Anon
There’s a house in my town that’s in a great neighborhood where houses don’t come on the market that often. When I drive or walk by it, I can see that it has a living room full of built-in bookshelves. It also has a really beautiful back yard. Even if the owners did ever decide to sell it, I know there’s no way I’d be able to afford it. But I still fantasize!
Anon
I am 52 and now own a house in the neighborhood I used to drive through and fantasize about. It’s not the exact house (and I didn’t have an exact house in mind like you do) and it was a fixer upper when we bought it, but I love the neighborhood as much as I thought I would. Don’t give up dreaming!
And Peggy
I’d love a Tesla and a nice condo either right outside the city, or right by the city’s harbor.
But, perhaps slightly more realistic: a deep, red cloak with a hood. I wanna be fierce and spooky AF all October!
Little Red
A two-bedroom with two bathrooms condo and the necessary staff to maintain it for me in spotless condition. So like Dot and Mr. Butler in MFMM would be perfect. Or like in the movie “Indiscreet”, the Ingrid Bergman character had a married couple who served as her staff with the wife as housekeeper and the husband as chauffeur/handyman.
Anonymous
A beach house.
But more realistically: a treadmill and a kitchenaid stand mixer. (It makes me laugh that these kind of go together–I will do more baking and so will need to run more haha.)
Anon
I have not a shred of desire to live among people defecating or doing drugs in public. And I have not an ounce of guilt about that decision. My kids’ (Catholic) school hosts homeless people overnight once a week and I fully support that endeavor. Also they recently built a homeless shelter in my HCOL neighborhood, and, again, totally support it. I am also on the board of an org that moves homeless women into apartments as it’s corr mission.
Anonymous
I think that being homeless can be a lot of things.
But people who are mentally-ill chemical abusers/addicts need a lot more than housing (and that the population in LA/SF that seems out of control). And since these people are adults, you can’t force it on them in the US.
Divorced/poor/homeless/with children/starting over is a different problem.
Anonymous
The Treatment Advocacy Center details the California standards on this. The standard for entitlement to placement in outpatient treatment centers is lower than the emergency admission standards. And the emergency admissions standards are likely met by people we encounter who are in crisis. Does anyone know how to get action on this in individual cases that we encounter on the streets?
Anonymous
You could make the housing safer, more comfortable, and more attractive than the street.
Anon
In some areas, the city or country will handhold individuals every step of the way to get into housing, substance abuse treatment, employment training, and public benefits, but many refuse. That’s their right, but the ones who refuse and then shoot up outside kindergarten classrooms don’t get off scot-free. Others can offer you everything, but you need to choose to accept it.
Anonymous
Okay, but they’re refusing for a reason, whatever it is. Maybe they’re addicts, and they’re not allowed to use substances in the housing provided. Maybe the housing places them in close proximity with personal enemies of theirs or people they’re afraid of (a lot of homeless people have had this experience–especially in comparison to a place right outside a kindergarten classroom, for instance). Does anyone ever ask them why?
Anonymous
Wow, this dress is not work appropriate. Even the description Kat provided sounds scandalous. And I’m no pearl clutcher or professional dress enthusiast.
Anonymous
+1.
Hmmm
May I ask why? Genuinely interested, not baiting. Just curious about what features etc don’t work, and in what kind of office?
Anonymous
Not the person you’re responding to but the dress is too tight to be work appropriate. Anything described as “slinky” is not for the office.
Anonymous
OP again – I’m in smart casual office.
Anonymous
I’m the OP, but this captures it. Anytime a dress itself is holding you in, I don’t think it’s workplace appropriate.
case
Yes, it’s very body conscious/highlighting of curves. Curve-highlighting is not a good quality for a work dress. If I had this in my work wardrobe, I’d have to pair it with a longer blazer/sweater, etc. so it’s not so va va voom.
Anonymous
Maybe it depends on body type, but yea this would not be appropriate on my curvy self. I can imagine a very athletic or straight up and down woman (like the model) who could probably get away with this fine, but not me!
Beans
Why? I would definitely wear this to the office. I’m a partner in a SE law firm.
Anonymous
I actually bought the dress, mostly because it’s machine washable. My office is on the conservative side, but I’ve got an athletic build, so no real curves to highlight, and am figuring throwing a blazer over it will pull it into business appropriate range. If not, I’ll return. *shrug*
pugsnbourbon
It reads pretty casual in addition to being curve-hugging.
I’m always looking for black dresses, though, and here’s one from the same brand that may work at some offices (provided the neckline doesn’t hit too low): https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006ZJ6Q0S/ref=s9_dcacsd_dcoop_bw_c_x_8_w#customerReviews
pugsnbourbon
Oh dang also not work-appropriate but I LOVE this jumpsuit: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00RHDU05I/ref=s9_dcacsd_dcoop_bw_c_x_7_w?th=1#customerReviews
Anonymous
I always wear fitted dresses to work, and many of the women I see commuting/in professional environments do as well. I feel stronger and more powerful in clothes that are fitted, and I dont feel it is necessary to wear loose clothes to be professional. I dont show cleavage or wear short skirts, but that’s where I draw the line.
Anonymous
I absolutely don’t wear loose clothes to work, but this dress is way too tight to be professional on my body. I’d totally wear it out, though.
Anonymous
There’s a difference between fitted and “sucking you in”.
Anonymous
This is exactly what the partner I work for would wear for an important meeting. Like a bank audit of our law firm. Because this is what she thinks “professional” looks like. Don’t get me wrong — she looks great. But I don’t think “more sexy” when I think “important audit of my workplace.”
Never too many shoes...
I am so sick of exactly this attitude. The woman made *partner*. She has obviously found a style that works for her personal dynamic. Why are we still so critical? If she likes looking sexy, and it does not seem to be hampering her career, isn’t that something we should laud and embrace rather than being so puritan?
Anonymous
Sexy, clingy clothing can come across as aggressive or intimidating in work settings (and something tells me she has a tall/thin figure if this comes across as a power move). If it works for her to throw other people off their game, I guess that makes sense in an adversarial profession.
Anonymous
It does not come across as aggressive or intimidating. She flirts more on such occasions. And sometimes she throws on a pair of black stockings with an animal print with the LBD. This dress is also several inches longer than the ones she typically wears.
Anonymous
Oh. Maybe she just takes her fashion pointers from TV lawyers then? It’s a memorable personal brand, at least!
Sadie
Frankly I think it comes back, at it’s root, to the idea that women can be pretty/sexy OR smart/tough but not both. Women think it too, they often instinctively start to tear down women who aren’t following the ‘Rules” of “looking smart” but are still successful. (presumably because they are smart. People might get a better price on a car because they have nice boobs but that won’t get you partner, sorry).
Anonymous
Has anyone ever successfully issued a moratorium on a topic of conversation with a friend? My friend goes after men who are clearly and objectively awful, unavailable, or otherwise bad for her. She finally dumped the last terrible guy a few months ago and I was so happy to have my friend back again. She’s brilliant and fun and successful… and basically my last single friend (we’re both mid-30s). Well now she’s all about another terrible guy. I just can’t go through this again with her. The analyzing everything he says, getting screenshots of texts, agonizing over why he won’t just stop being terrible. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to lose her friendship but I also just can’t with the drama. Can I tell her, I don’t want to talk about new terrible guy? Or will that just push her away? Any other way I can set better boundaries?
Nati
Following with interest. I have a similar friend. Mine dated a man for six months who dumped her the exact week they moved in together. Since then, they’ve spent a year getting back together and breaking up again. They’ve now done the make-up/break-up cycle for twice as long as they dated, and I just can’t listen to it anymore.
JS
Captain Awkward has some really good posts about this – check out the original one about the “Darth Vader Boyfriend”
https://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/reader-question-4-my-friend-is-dating-someone-terrible-or-secrets-of-the-darth-vader-boyfriend/
Anonymous
I don’t think you can make this topic off limits and retain the friendship at the same level.
I have a friend who began an affair with a married man while she was married. They both eventually got divorced and are now engaged to each other, but during the time period where they were engaging in behavior I didn’t support (cheating) and while he was behaving badly (going back and forth about leaving, not leaving his wife, being with my friend/breaking up with my friend), I was not able to genuinely support her because of how I felt. We talked about it and I let her know where I came down on the issue based on my own compass. She understood but it absolutely affected our friendship. It ended up working out but it took years and I still don’t support how it started. We are back to being very close now, but there was for sure a time when we weren’t close because of it all.
Anon for this
I did this once with a dear friend who kept breaking up and getting back together with the same horrible guy. The first two breakups I was happy enough to analyze and dissect with her. After the third reconciliation, I told her I had to quit pretending to like him and that I love her and am happy to be her friend but am not going to listen to any more discussion of him. I told her I understood if that meant she couldn’t spend as much time with me since that was her boyfriend and obviously an important part of her life, but that I couldn’t be fake about how toxic he was. She understood and we basically had no trouble… in another year, they broke up for good, and now she’s married to a different (and great) guy.
It’s a little different than your situation because, in yours, the same toxic guy hasn’t proven himself to be terrible. But it’s similar, because it’s a pattern. I think you can tell her you love her and enjoy her friendship but cannot keep wasting both of your time analyzing men who aren’t worth that time. You’d much rather talk about… truly anything else. Tell her about the Bechdel test (whether a work features two women who talk about something other than a man) and how important it is that we don’t waste all our effort talking about men. Tell her she has brilliant thoughts you want to hear, fun things you want to do with her, successes you want to celebrate with her… and none of them have anything to do with a man. I think you can be honest with her as long as you keep it positive.
Monday
I love the idea of making sure your own life passes the Bechdel test.
I have done this successfully with a friend as well. But she was/is a very close friend and has good self-awareness. She kept getting involved with married men, and at one point I said “I’m running out of things to say about this.” I also remember saying “this used to be complicated and multi-faceted, but it really isn’t anymore” (about one particular guy who was off-and-on). We stayed close, she eventually grew out of it, and she also is now married to a great guy.
OP
I like this, thank you. I’ve told her in the past, with some success, that I don’t want to hear complaints about a particular guy. But when I tell her new guy is basically the same thing as last time, she argues that he’s so much better, they have a crazy connection, it’s going to work out this time, etc. She’s not ready to face the fact that she has a pattern. I think making it about improving our lives, friendship, and communication patterns might resonate much more than making it about the guy.
Having 4 kids
Hi All,
Are any of you working moms or know of any working moms who have 4 kids (without a stay at home dad)? How do they make it work? Considering having a 4th but not sure how that would impact my career (in-house lawyer). I do have a live-in nanny.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
TIA!
Anonymous
Me!! Four under ten, work 40-60 hours a week with travel and dh works 40-50 hours a week with no travel. I do not have a live in nanny, we make it work with babysitters, camps, after school care, splitting up mornings/afternoons and a supportive grandma. No impact on my career that I am aware of.
Anonymous
would love to see a week in your life submitted to C-moms!
Anon
Has anyone ever been prescribed Spironolactone for acne? I get large flairups heavily associated with stress. I’ve been on it for about two weeks now, and my face is breaking out like one of my worst flairups even though I’ve been low stress. Is this normal? Or is this a sign I need to go back to the derm and ask for something different?
Anonymous
Normal in my experience. Many acne drugs cause major flare ups before your skin clears. My derm always says it’s your body getting all the bad out. Certainly always call your Doctor if you’re concerned but I think it’s much too soon to conclude it isn’t working.
Anon
Your doctor actually says “it’s your body getting all the bad out”? Because that sounds like a bunch of naturopathic BS to me.
Anonymous
Yeah. It’s not woo woo though- a side effect of many acne drugs is that they bring any acne that’s developing out suddenly and all at once in a big breakout rather than in the slower natural rhythms you are accustomed to. That’s not woo woo at all.
rebecca
i just started spironolactone and epiduo forte. my breakout got worse before it began getting better, i think around the 3-4 week mark.
pugsnbourbon
I have been on spiro for two years. It took a pretty long time to see the results – my doc started me on a really low dose and then ramped up at 3 months and again at 6 months. A month after that, my skin got dramatically better. Waiting sucked but the last year has been amazing, skin-wise.
Anon
Ooh this is good to know. I don’t know if my dose is low or high, but I go back in a few weeks for a reassessment/ blood test and I’ll add that to my list of questions.
I wasn’t sure if “extinction burst” was a real thing (because nothing else I’ve tried has ever helped, so it’s just always been bad) but I will go through another year of breakouts if that means I’ve stopped having acne by the time I’m 40.
pugsnbourbon
The dose that got results was 150 mg/day.
Anona
I have several KamaliKulture dresses and they are wonderful.
Robo investing
I am considering using a roboadvisor to invest and grow my retirement savings. I know a lot of the hive invest through Vanguard ETFs, but I am thinking of directing some of my funds to a robo like Betterment or Wealthfront just to experiement and see if their algorithms do help generate higher returns. I also like being able to segregate my investments by goal.Does anyone here have experience with using robos for investing to share? Any tips on what to look out for when choosing a roboadvisor?
Nati
I can’t provide tips on finding a roboadvisor, but I do use one. Multiple friends recommended Wealth Simple and I have been happy with it (both the customer service and the rate of returns).
Personal Finance
I invest through Betterment. I basically chose just based on lowest fees because I didn’t need any human interaction. The way I see it, I’m just paying for the convenience and the efficiencies from tax loss harvesting and automatic rebalancing, so there’s no need to pay a premium. I’m not sure about the other robos, but Betterment does let you separate by goal (right now I have retirement, high-yield savings, and house down payment fund).
Anonymous
Has anyone tried the Amazon brand Society New York, specifically in plus size? How do they run? There’s some nice, basic, very cheap pieces on Amazon, but they only have a few reviews each, all saying the clothes run small.
Anonymous
I just started weight watchers freestyle, and so far I love it! But I tend to fall into the same old categories every meal. Anyone have weight watchers friendly recipes they love?
Anonymous
I love Skinny Taste. She has points for everything on her website and tons of options.
lsw
We have been grilling salmon or (sometimes and!) chicken with veggies several nights a week. So, not a recipe, but it has been a real go-to for me!
I actually like a lot of the WW recipes themselves quite a bit. I don’t think I’ve tried a bad one yet.
It’s also great to use the recipe builder for some of your tried and true recipes, and fool around with subbing things in and out to lower the points (e.g. sub in greek yogurt for sour cream, applesauce in baked goods).
Good luck! I have really had great results with freestyle and it’s been awesome for me. I go over points basically all the time, so I’m losing slower than I would be otherwise, but it has basically come into my life seamlessly so it’s been worth it (lower effort, lower results, but 100% still actually doing it six months later so…).
Anonymous
We’ve been doing shrimp tacos once a week. If you buy frozen shrimp that comes in the plastic bag, you can thaw it in the sink in some hot water in just a few minutes – then all you have to do is saute with taco seasoning and you have a meal on the table in minutes. Add pico/salsa, lettuce, black beans if you want them, and you’re set for a dinner with practically no points. If you haven’t discovered the Tumaro’s wraps (“Let’s skip the sandwich”), they’re only 1 pt each.
If you make turkey burgers, try adding diced onions and mushrooms to the raw meat. It stretches the meat to go farther (and a patty is then fewer points) and you’re getting veggies.
Anon
I love the Emily Bites website. Her recipes are delicious, and do not feel like you’re dieting at all! Some of my favorites there are:
– Buffalo chicken stuffed sweet potatoes
– Chicken alfredo bubble up
– Chicken pot pasta
– Lemon chicken orzo
– Chicken picatta
And also on the WW app, I really like the breakfast recipe for crustless turkey bacon and gruyere quiche.
Baconpancakes
I’m late to the party, but if you’re checking, make friends with your grill before summer ends. I’ve found that a lot of things that we normally throw on the grill do fine without oil, or with just a little spray (zucchini, peppers, corn), and the charring gives them enough flavor that they just need salt and pepper (and lime juice, for the corn), and they’re great. Connect has a lot of great information, but it’s a little laborious to get through it all sometimes.
When I don’t have any idea what to do, I buy the most beautiful veggies and figure it out later.
As always, I recommend the Bon Appetit Food Lover’s Cleanse cookbook, and the Bon Appetit Healthyish recipes. They need a little tweaking of oils and nuts to get to WW approval, but overall, they’re spot on for points.
Anon
Has anyone had the sling surgery for stress incontinence? Did it work? Do you regret it? I’m considering it but nervous about surgery that’s not absolutely necessary. That said, incontinence has really limited my physical activity and I’d love to be able to jog again without a huge mess.
Anonymous
Have you done pelvic floor PT? Even if you have seen one and didn’t find it effective, I would encourage you to try another before resorting to surgery.
My first therapist was useless but I saw great improvement with the next one I tried.
anon
A friend of a friend died from complications from it. She was in her 30s and had young kids. Obviously this sort of thing is incredibly rare, but that’s my only anecdata about it.
Anonymous
I also have a friend of a friend who died from complications. I don’t think it’s that rare. Well maybe death is rare, but serious complications aren’t. There’s a huge class action lawsuit about it.
Aquae Sulis
They’ve temporarily banned the procedure in the UK, pending review.
Anonymous
Yes, I did and would do it again. PT did not help me at all. Surgery was quick and recovery was easy. 2 caveats – (1) the scar inside is close to/on my G spot, and rubbing in the area can sometimes start feeling uncomfortable. Not really painful, just weird. (2) I discovered when I had a really bad cough it didn’t solve the problem 100%, but sneezing is fine, and I’m able to run again. Even with these caveats, I would do it again – it was life changing for me.
My surgeon was a specialist (urogynecologist) working at a major teaching hospital in NYC, and I felt comfortable with her track record. I talked to her about the history of complications, class action lawsuit, her track record of success, etc. before the surgery and was comfortable with her answers. (I can’t fully remember them or I would quote them here – not trying to be intentionally vague).
Anonymous
Yeah – I think the key is using a surgeon who has a good track record with procedure and mesh. From what I’ve heard about the surgical mesh, issues tend to correlate with surgeons inexperienced with the product and its limitations (vs issues with the product itself).
Anonymous
Feeling inspired by the posts about Eileen Fisher pants. I’m looking at the website now. Can somebody explain to me the difference between “Washable Stretch Crepe Straight Pant” and the “System Washable Stretch Crepe Pant”?
Xarcady
The fabric is the same. The System pant has a slightly wider waistband.
And the Washable Stretch Crepe Straight Pant has pockets.
Anon
There’s also the straight pant and the slim ankle pant in the same fabric.
Anon
Which one is the one that everyone loves so much?
Anonymous
And what is the difference between the straight pant you mentioned and the the “washable stretch crepe pant” described above? Why are these names so confusing to me? I can’t keep them straight.
Anon
I think many of us have the slim ankle pants.
Anonymous
What’s on your list for the Sephora sale? Right now I’m just stocking up on essentials but I’d love some inspiration to get something fun too!
lsw
I’ve been building a list!
Josie Maran Argan Lip Sting Plumping Butter (never used, but it looks fun)
Drunk Elephant The Littles (excited to try out)
Sunday Riley Good Genes (love this stuff)
Fenty Beauty Gloss Bomb
this crazy heart thing you can use to rub in facial oil from Kora Organics
some sort of deep moisturizing overnight mask – currently have a sample of Laneige Water mask and it’s okay
Delta Dawn
Can you tell me specifically what you love about Sunday Riley Good Genes? I feel like people really love it (have heard so much about it on Forever35) and would like to try it, but for the price I would like to know exactly why people are so loyal to it. Anything you can tell me about it? Thanks for any feedback!
Anon
I am not the person you’re responding to. I am always skeptical of these claims but I got a sample of good genes and tried it. My skin looked amazing the next morning. And now that I own it, the effects have not worn off.
I had my makeup done at a makeup counter recently and the artist commented on how smooth my skin was.
It’s just a really effective chemical exfoliant. I use it 2-3 nights a week.
AIMS
I didn’t notice any difference on my skin. It also has a very strong scent. Delta, you can get a sample at Sephora to try out.
Anonymous
I think it makes my skin look nice, but I haaaaate the smell. I already bought it so I’m gritting my teeth and using it anyway, but I really despise how it smells, and so does my husband.
lsw
Sorry for late response. I got a sample from Sephora because I was hesitating due to price. It has been AMAZING on my skin but I know others have had varied results. I got at least 10 uses out of the sample (they filled one of those little plastic things for me) so I really felt like I could see how it worked. It basically made the pores around my nose almost disappear and it also just generally makes my skin look better. (brighter? younger? idk.) It smells like glue to me so it is not pleasant, but I use it under facial cream and oil so it goes away quickly.
My skin is dry, sensitive, and I’m 38 if that helps.
And Peggy
I actually just ordered a couple essentials, totally not knowing a sale is coming, but for the sale I may splurge on some Stila glitter eyeshadow, or maybe some purple eyeshadow to help achieve that evil queen look I tend to dig around Halloween.
JS
I want to try the new Too Faced Born This Way Super Coverage Multi-Use Sculpting Concealer
A Shhhowercap – recommended here
Stila glitter shadow minis
Restock on Becca liguid highlighter
Anon
Dr Jart premium B.B.
Dr Jart Cicapair cream
Sunday Riley Good Genes
Sunday Riley UFO oil
Sunday Riley vitamin C serum
Sephora brand eyebrow pencil (seriously, the best and cheap)
Travel size fillable bottles
I’m going to read everyone else’s list with interest!
Katie
I just bought a bunch of stuff over the last few weeks – wish I’d realized a sale was coming! I plan to pick up:
Olaplex 3 treatment
Olaplex 4 shampoo
Olaplex 5 conditioner
Travel sized waterproof mascara (I dislike waterproof but need something for my wedding when I know I’ll cry)
Philosophy microdelivery peel
My usual Clinique foundation and powder
Maybe a Nest candle if they’re included in the sale
I just bought the Anastasia Soft Glam eyeshadow palette and LOVE it. Highly recommend if you’re looking for a treat. Good quality, very pigmented so a little goes a long way, and not a terribly exorbitant price.
Anonymous
Mascara rec: Maybelline Volume Express Rocket (in a fat blue tube) is the most waterproof mascara ever. Like to the point where I can’t remove it even with eye makeup remover. It does not budge!
Pale Girl Snorkeling
I also recently got a Soft Glam palette and I adore it. I want another Anastasia palette.
Anon
I love basically all Caudalie products: the instant foaming cleanser face wash, the vino s.o.s. serum, the moisturizing mask, moisturizing sorbet.
I also love the Herbivore Blue Tansy face mask and the lapis oil. I had some light hormonal acne around the chin strap area and using this cleared it up pretty permanently, as it has stayed gone even after reducing my use of the products from multiple times a week to only occasionally – as in I haven’t used it in a couple of months and my skin is still perfectly clear.
Equestrian Attorney
I need perspective on a situation with my in-laws and whether I am overreacting. My BIL (DH’s brother) and his wife just moved from a condo to a large house. They have 3 little kids. When I heard, I suggested DH and I come over and watch the kids during that weekend so they could deal with movers and we could take the kiddos to the park or whatever. BIL called DH on the Friday before their big move and asked him to come and help (DH has his own business and some flexibility in his schedule – I was at work). Turns out, they only hired movers for the large ticket items and BIL wanted DH to come carry boxes and paint rooms and set up shelves.
DH has back problems and politely declined. MIL then called and screamed at him saying he had offered to help and why wasn’t he helping. He said we had offered to help with the kids and would happily do so, but we didn’t expect to be moving stuff all weekend.
We recently moved apartments and hired movers and did not ask anyone for help – I figured the era of having friends move your stuff in exchange for pizza expired once we all left our dorms. My inlaws are now furious about how we “rescinded our offer to help out” and “let BIL down in an emergency”. BIL and SIL both have good jobs (and make significantly more than we do). I understand moving with kids is stressful, but it seems unfair to me that they cheaped out on movers and decided to do their own paint and were of course dealing with a lot of last minute issues, and are now upset that we didn’t help with that. Are my expectations out of whack here? I have no siblings and my parents always paid for movers/contractors/whatever they didn’t feel like doing so this really isn’t part of my culture, but now I feel like I’m the one who told DH to say no and created this massive family crisis.
case
I think family expectations around moving can be weird – the first time we hired professional movers, my DH’s family was surprised we didn’t just invite the extended family to come over as free movers. Now everyone has kids and some have back problems, so we all rely on the professionals…
It sounds like MIL is being ridiculous… but maybe DH could have been more clear in communications about what he could do, and the mixed expectations about “what does family do in a move?” may be have exacerbated a minor miscommunications.
Anonymous
“but now I feel like I’m the one who told DH to say no and created this massive family crisis”
How is this your problem at all? Your husband has back problems. End of story. Your in-laws sound like my MIL, who puts BIL on a pedestal and expects my husband to help everyone and get no help in return.
Never too many shoes...
Your in laws are being completely unreasonable. You are in the right here, as far as I am concerned.
I am slightly curious as to whether it is actually your MIL who is upset about this, rather than your BIL.
Equestrian Attorney
MIL is…interfering, and very vocal about everything. So it’s probably mostly her.
BIL sounded annoyed on the phone at the time, but this may just have been the stress of moving. He hasn’t mentioned it since, but we also haven’t seen them at all. We are attending their son’s birthday party this weekend and I’m trying to decide if I should bring it up and apologize or just move on. We aren’t super close but generally have a good relationship with BIL/SIL, so this whole situation came as a bit of a surprise.
Anonymous
Just move on. You don’t have anything to apologize for. If they bring it up I would maybe give them a nonapology, like, I’m sorry about the miscommunication.
Anonymous
Why would you bring it up? It’s your husbands issue.
Equestrian Attorney
I’m the one who initially offered our help (with the kids). Also, I don’t have back problems, so in theory I could have gone and carried stuff while DH did minor stuff around the house, but the conversation with MIL escalated and we ended doing nothing at all.
Anonymous
Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Not your problem. Let your husband deal with it.
Senior Attorney
Just say fooey and move on. They are being ridiculous.
Anonymous
This.
Anonymous
Just ignore it. He has back problems and can’t lift stuff. They’ll have to cope.
Torin
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You offered to do a specific thing, they decided to interpret that as an open-ended offer of help with anything they asked for. That’s not your fault.
I’ll push back on your wording here: “now I feel like I’m the one who told DH to say no and created this massive family crisis.” Your husband is an adult. He decided to say no, which it was his right to do. You didn’t make him say no. Plus the “crisis” was created by people who are not you being unreasonable. You’re not responsible for them any more than you are for him.
Anon
Stay out of it. You didn’t create this. DH has back problems and you guys clearly communicated the terms of your help. BIL did not clearly communicate his expectations. Let DH manage his family. You guys offered, they didn’t want your help, the end. Maybe reoffer babysitting if you want to extend an olive branch, but that doesn’t obligate you to do anything else they ask.
From another viewpoint on how I think it runs for most families, we moved a few years ago and were the siblings who had the better job. We LIKE THAT STUFF and didn’t have kids, so we spent a weekend painting and pulling up carpets. We invited the siblings to come over and help, but were clear that we didn’t need their help if they didn’t want to, and we were clear about the copious amounts of pizza and beer and tunes we would provide. We just wanted company while we had fun with our new house. We paid professionals for all the stuff we couldn’t do ourselves, like moving boxes and staining the floors and whatnot.
Anonymous
I was with you until this “I feel like I’m the one who told DH to say no.” Your in-laws are being unreasonable, and it’s very reasonable for your husband to decline helping them move if he has back problems, but I don’t know why he was taking directions from you. Let me make his own decisions and manage his own family. You stay out of it. If they are mad, then they’ll be mad at him and let him handle it.
BabyAssociate
“I figured the era of having friends move your stuff in exchange for pizza expired once we all left our dorms.” This. I do not think your expectations are out of whack.
Anonymous
Sounds like a miscommunication between the siblings and mom is getting way overinvolved. This isn’t about you and it isn’t your fault. DH can’t move stuff because of his back. He didn’t even move HIS OWN stuff. He shouldn’t allow himself to be guilted into physically harming himself to help.
But I can understand BIL being upset if he thought DH had agreed to help (generally, not just with kids), and then at the last minute DH is like oh no I’m not doing that. Seems like there was some communication breakdown about exactly what kind of help you and DH were offering.
To smooth things over – can you/DH offer to do other stuff? Maybe DH can wait around for the cable guy so CIL/wife don’t have to miss work? Bring them dinner? Help unpack? I also don’t think shelves and painting are weird asks – if you’re willing to do that then that might be a possibility.
anon
Oh man, I feel for you and agree with case’s comment about family expectations around moving. My brother moved from one apartment from another a couple years ago and flipped out when he asked me if I was available to help and I sort of jokingly, but not really asked he if had friends to help him. First of all, he phrased it as a question then got really upset when I implied no. I didn’t specifically say no and I was checking the schedule with DH since we have a toddler. While I didn’t handle it as well as I could have, you can’t expect people to drop everything to help you with a completely undesirable task. You can ask politely, but I don’t think you should expect it, even from family.
It was rude of your husband’s brother to ask someone with back problems to help him move.
I understand
I’m 49 with a 55 yo husband. We’ve been married almost 25 years. We have always hired movers. It just really doesn’t cost that much, although admittedly we do not have a ton of stuff. We moved across the country and paid movers to move our household and my husband’s office six years ago. However, we moved a desk and mattress/box springs ourselves from a rental apartment. The desk was crazy heavy, and it was kind of raining. I said, “Can’t we call someone to help.” He looked at me and said, “Who would that be? Greg has a bad back and Mark is on beta blockers. Hold it down lower and use your legs to lift.” Honestly, that sums it all up.
Terrible true story: the stepfather of one of my dearest friends had a heart attack after helping her brother move a piece of furniture, right there in the keeping room while they were preparing for dinner, 20 minutes after moving a chest from one floor to another in the house.
Anon
The issue isn’t family expectations about what should be done; the issue is the terrible way they have of handling this.
You offered to watch the kids while movers were there. If they needed more help, they were obligated to *ask* you at “not the last minute” and to accept that the answer might be “no.” His family should not have gotten involved.
(Side note: if you don’t have kids, they might be seeing your time as less valuable than theirs.)
I would suggest that your husband email everyone involved and say, very succinctly, that (1) the offer was to help watch the children; (2) he cannot help move and paint (do not explain why; simply say that it’s not an option); and (3) everyone needs to mind their own business, promptly.
One short paragraph. Then refuse to engage with anyone who discusses this.
AnnieAnon
I agree OP’s MIL is being unreasonable.
But can I push a little on the notion that post-college adults should never ask for help from family for movers/contractors/whatever? For plenty of families, mine very much included, those expenses are really difficult to manage, and so sometimes we ask for help from friends and family. Is that really so terrible?
Anon
You can ask for help, but you can’t demand it or expect it. You certainly can’t take a reasonable offer to help with a specific item as a firm commitment to help with anything else you need for an extended period.
Anon
Any recommendations for a free standing bike rack? I have a patio area and need to store two bikes, but I don’t have a good way to bolt it to a wall or ceiling. I need it to be U-lock compatible too. TIA!
Anonymous
My parents will have 5 hours in Chicago next Friday. They’ll be coming in/leaving on Amtrak and they are only interested in going to places they can walk from the train station. I see that Willis Tower is very close so I recommended that they do the skydeck. What else could do they to kill time? Chicago Riverwalk? Money Museum at the Federal Reserve Bank? I’ve never been so I’m just googling what’s close to the train station. Any suggestions?
Anon
If the time slot works out okay the Chicago Architecture Boat Tours are excellent
Anonymous
+1. These tours are great.
Rainbow Hair
Yeap, so great!
Anonymous
Not OP…but I’m going to Chicago in October…which tours are good? It seems like there are a couple of these tours?
Anonymous
This may sound weird but trust me its awesome, check out a walking tour of Graceland Cemetery. I do it every October because the cemetery is absolutely beautiful, there are lots of famous Chicagoans buried there and the mausoleums are extremely extravagant.
Anonymous
Chicago Architecture Foundation’s is the best.
Anonymous
+1 Chicago Architecture Boat Tour, River Walk is really nice. I personally think Willis Tower is lame but that might be my hometown bias. Millenium Park is walkable from Union Station, its nice to walk around there and check out the Lurie Garden
Senior Attorney
Also the train station is in walking distance of Giordano’s famous deep dish pizza. (Across the street from Willis Tower.) Yum! Just be warned the portions are huge so one personal pizza is plenty for two.
Anonymous
Giordano’s is gross. Lou Malnati’s is waaaaaay better.
Senior Attorney
Well I’ve only spent 23 hours in Chicago in my whole life so I am not an expert. Point of the story is, get some deep dish pizza!
Lo & Sons
Does anybody know if Lo & Sons does discounts, and if so, when they tend to offer discounts and what the highest discount they generally offer is? I’d like a bag from there, but don’t need it urgently so can wait until Black Friday or whenever if it’ll mean a better deal.
Anonymous
They do occasional discounts. I think they usually have one around Labor Day, so be on the lookout!
ollie
They’re having a sale now – https://www.loandsons.com/collections/sale
These pop up every once in a while – sign up for their emails if the bag you want isn’t on there
anon
Late reply, but in my opinion, they do good sales fairly often – with discounts at 30% or 40%. I would hold out. They make fantastic bags. I did not pay full price for either of mine.
Anon
POLL
I do a lot of travel for work and find different levels of business dress in different cities, all within my same industry.
What city do you work in, what industry, and what level of formality is required or just the usual practice, from business formal (suits every day) to full casual (jeans ok any day)?
I’m in the Bay Area, Finance, the casual side of business casual (no jeans or flip flops).
Anonymous
Also in Finance, in specialty area. We are business casual officially, jeans OK if you don’t have meetings, smart suits or sports coats for meetings/conferences. East Coast major city.
Anon
In-house lawyer in finance industry. Located in Florida. Typical dress is business casual.
Anon
OP – I travel to NYC every month, same industry/company in Finance, and that office is business semi-formal (men wear sport coats or suits, women wear dresses or suits). But the support staff are almost fully casual. We don’t have those distinctions in dress by position in our west coast offices.
Anonymous
DC boutique law. Casual side of business casual in the office. I’m wearing Uniqlo ankle pants, an untucked button down, and oxfords today.
Travel a lot – mostly to NY or the west coast for work. It all really depends on the purpose, but client meetings and pitches, I tend towards “smart business,” so sharp dresses or a blazer over a contrasting dress. Obviously for court, it’s all formal.
oil in houston
finance, in Texas, business casual where jeans are allowed on Fridays. It’s very rare to see women in suits, most of us in managerial levels do dresses or pants + nice jackets or blouses
Anonymous
NYC, tech, fully casual (business casual if going to a conference or client meeting).
Anonymoose
St. Louis, mid-size law firm/litigation, business formal for federal court and maybe a bit less formal for local court/business semi-formal to smart business casual for office days/jeans day on Friday.
Anonymous
GIS, Seattle, and everyone wears jeans all the time. Men all wear checked, neutral, button ups (like the kind from Costco) and women (myself included) have no idea what the comparable top would be. Embellished tee? She’ll and cardi?
Anonymous
Texas, STEM, full casual. Upper management will be business casual most days, VPs wear suits.
Paging SF in House
SF in House, I was reading too late to respond to your question about Intrepid/Safari recommendations yesterday–I don’t have experience with Intrepid, but if you happen to be going to Tanzania, I recommend Access2Tanzania. Took a trip with them this year and it was awesome! (And private guides, so you don’t end up with random people in your group.) -Gail the Goldfish
SF in House
Thank you!
Anonymous
Just a little moment of husband appreciation, because I know I get annoyed with mine for not paying attention to much. Yesterday, fed up with the early 30s swing back into acne, I bought some stuff to deal with it (including starting a retinol regimen, thanks to many commenters here). His comment upon finding a bunch of new bottles on our bathroom counter?
“Oh, I didn’t notice you had any acne.”
And that lack of attention to detail finally pays off.
Rainbow Hair
Ha, love this.
Torin
Love it!!
busybee
Thanks to some of the threads on here over the last week or so, I’ve educated myself a bit about the link between br$ast cancer and alcohol consumption. So isn’t ironic that my local Junior League is promoting an event called “bubbles and br$asts” in which participants will sip sparkling wine to learn more about them. A portion of the proceeds will go to a br$ast cancer research organization. Ohhhh the irony.
Anonymous
Ugh. Further evidence that a lot of people don’t know or don’t want to believe the link between moderate drinking and breast cancer.
Anon
Whyyyyy do we have to have this discussion every single day? People can make their own choices about the level of risk they’re comfortable with. You worry about your own body, let other people worry about theirs.
Senior Attorney
Right? Good grief can we not with the concern trolling?
Anonymous
It’s not concern trolling – busybee is a regular poster here, and she’s not criticizing any specific person. People vent all the time about things they find silly or frustrating or stupid. And lots of us think a “bubbles for breast cancer” event is ridiculous. It’s like serving cupcakes at an event to promote healthy eating – surely some of y’all would find that at least mildly ironic? That’s all she said…that it’s ironic. She didn’t say they’re terrible people or that she wishes them ill.
busybee
Good grief can we not call someone a troll every time you don’t like a comment? Feel free to just move on past. I personally thought my comment was a good point to the discussion that many people are unaware about the connection and pointed out how I’ve learned something from comments. If that upsets you, scroll past.
Anon
Busybee, this is a public comment board and there are many themes that get discussed frequently. Thanks for your contribution to a topic that many of us do find interesting! Don’t let the negativity get you down. The reason it’s been discussed a few times this week is because people are interested in discussing it.
Senior Attorney
No upset and I guess you’re right. I can scroll on past with the best of them.
Anon
+1 (or is that -1) on the concern tr0lling
Anon
Eh, there are a lot of other things we also discuss everyday (like Weight Watchers). It’s ok if this doesn’t interest you, just skip it. Personally, I’m happy that these discussions came to my attention this week, because the link was new information to me.
Anon
The Weight Watchers posts are absolutely different, and it’s disingenuous to say otherwise. These posts are always dripping with judgment and Senior Attorney is right to call them concern trolling. They’re repetitive and unhelpful and there’s no other purpose than to pick fights.
Anon
That’s simply untrue. The one yesterday was targeted at people who wished to discuss how they personally interpreted the risk for themselves and whether they changed their behavior based on the information. There was no judgment. You sound cynical.
Anonymous
Oh please. It may not have been a helpful post, but a large percentage of the posts here are just commenting on something, not asking a specific question – see Gmail comment below. And we’re plenty judgy around here. Get off your high horse.
Anon
I get that everyone gets defensive because drinking is fun and common, but the point of these discussions is that many of us had NO idea that moderate drinking had these risks. I’m not the OP, but I totally support bringing this up frequently to increase awareness, especially among the high-earning crowd.
Anonymous
+1. I’ve been aware of this for a couple of years (although I’m 34 and I definitely wish I had known in my 20s when I drank much more regularly) but every time it comes up, someone says “WOW, I had no idea.” We can all agree that increased awareness of risks is a good thing, right? That’s not at all mutually exclusive with “good for you, not for me” or the idea that every individual should make their own choices about what’s right for them. I didn’t read busybee’s post as judgy at all.
Not OP
I honestly did not know about the link between alcohol and breast cancer, so I appreciate this post and the one from the other day. If there have been others, I must have missed them!
Anonymous
Why are you bringing this up yet again? No. It isn’t ironic. Normal educated sensible people can assess this risk differently. We just had this convo multiple times.
Anonymous
Serving something that increases the risk of breast cancer at a breast cancer awareness event is absolutely ironic. You can say her post was judgy or we shouldn’t keep talking about this, or whatever, but the event is without a doubt ironic.
Anonymous
A local wine shop (that I like a lot) has started advertising that they are donating a percentage from rose wine sales to breast cancer research (because it’s pink, I assume). In light of the recent conversation here, I also found this ironic–the sort of thing that might be tone deaf if more people knew about the connection.
Anon
Right? It’s like rain on your wedding day.
Anonymous
I would have gone with black fly in your chardonnay, personally, given the topic ;)
Never too many shoes...
Amazing work right there.
Anonymous
People are so clueless. I was in the best shape of my life when I got BC. No family history. I had no idea my glass of wine at night and two on the weekends could have contributed to this. Get the word out.
PolyD
Well, it’s not like they’re serving cigarettes and inviting you to lounge in a tanning bed!
Studies have shown that one alcoholic drink per day increases your risk by 5-9 percent. So, if you are 40, your baseline risk is about 1.5%, barring family history of breast or other cancer. Raising that risk by even 10% means your risk is now 1.65%.
I mean, no, drinking is not “healthy” and it does increase your risk of breast cancer, but so does being overweight/obese, or not being physically active. If you are going to shame people for enjoying a glass of wine or champagne once in a while, or heck, even a few times a week, you should shame overweight and sedentary people a lot harder. You’re just concerned about their health, right??
Or maybe all cancer benefit events should serve no food and require you to jog or something the entire time.
Anonymous
One drink a day increases your risk by 30-50% according to most studies. Yes it is still a small overall risk, but it is significantly more correlated than exercise or obesity.
Anonymous
Has anyone noticed that gmail now gives you some auto-response options that depend on the email you received? Eg this morning my husband sent me a nice email and the options were like “Aww, I love you too!” “That’s so sweet, thank you.” They made sense given what he wrote and wouldn’t make sense in response to most emails. This freaks me out, because it means the computer is reading my emails to formulate the response.
Anonymous
This has been a thing for years.
Anonymous
The computer has been reading your Gmail for a looooong time to make targeted ads. At least now this is helpful?
BB
Yep! They’ve had this for at least a year, I think. And yes, it freaks me out too. Stop reading my emails!!
Anonymous
Yep, they are stealthily always watching. It is really disturbing to see, but even more so to know that it’s always lurking underneath while the powers that be harness your info and imagine ways to make $$$ off of it, whether those ways exist yet or not. See also: facebook and your credit card companies are sharing data if they’ve been able to link your accounts through your email address.
Anon
Could those have been responses you gave him in the past that are just remembered?
Anonymous
No, it’s happened with lots of other emails. That’s just one example. Today I got an email from someone I’ve never emailed before and it had auto-generated replies.
Anonymous
yep, its been doing that for me for a while. I don’t like it at all.
Rainbow Hair
gmail has always read our emails. i remember how they were one of the first places i experienced truly targeted ads.
Anonymous
yup. Gmail is all up in your business. Google in general tracks every last thing.
Anonymous
+1 Gmail (the program, not the employees) has always been reading our emails. And it’s been doing the prompted responses for awhile (couple years?) now
Anonymous
G00gle has been ramping up the visible AI components of its products lately. Many of the permissions that facilitate these things have always been there, but now they’re using them in a more apparent way. The new Pixel system update bills itself as heavy AI to improve user experience. Because I have a G00gle phone, I get suggested auto responses for basically any text-based communication I conduct on it (texting, whatsapp, emails, messenger, etc.). Sometimes I use them because they’re actually what I would respond, but usually I ignore them. If getting the auto-response options bothers you, there’s a setting to turn it off. But if it bothers you that much, be aware that G00gle “reading your emails” isn’t new. You’re just being made more aware of it now than you were before.
Anon
Gmail also suggests adding a calendar invite if you get an email that says “So Wednesday at 5pm, we’ll meet up at the park, right?” It’s been doing that, and other convenience items, for years now.
I don’t get why that’s worthy of a freak out, as it’s just searching for key words or phrases and generating “obvious” responses. They’ve always had access to search key terms in anything you store on their servers, now you just know about it. But that’s true of any email provider and anything you do electronically. Even if you just carry your phone into a store or leave it in your car in the parking lot.
This is why it’s important to make sure companies have proper safeguards in place, to prevent misuse of this data, but it’s all out there already. Now it’s just also being used to help make YOUR life easier, not just an advertisers’.
Anon
I guess I should also say, it’s true even not electronically. Even back in the 80s, stores were using security cameras to watch how people moved around their stores (which departments did people go to first, where did they linger the longest, etc) so tracking you via video surveillance that has facial recognition features is a natural evolution of that.
Like, if you have the Target Cartwheel app, or your grocery store’s saving club number, ever notice how you get coupons for things remarkably similar to what you want to buy? It’s because they track your purchases and guess based on tons of data from other people just like you.
Or buy a house in a suburb, with a forwarding address from a city. In about 6 months you’ll start getting formula coupons in the mail. Around 20 years after you first buy a house, you’ll start getting AARP mailings. This is targeted marketing and has been around for decades.
pugsnbourbon
I, for one, welcome our robot overlords.
(they might be reading this)
CPA Lady
They cant screw it up worse than humans already have, right?
Anon
Gmail has definitely always been reading your emails. And I’m sure every other email client out there has been too.
case
yeah, it’s been happening for awhile. husband and I have made a game of seeing how long we can keep up a conversation with AI generated responses. As others have said, it’s usually very basic responses — e.g., to a question about scheduling, “Yes, sounds great!”, “No, that doesn’t work”, etc.
Anonymous
I watched Snowden on Netflix last night and and now realize automated gmail responses and targeted ads should be the least of my worries.
Rainbow Hair
My job has an annual conference, and the last night of it is a ~formal event~ … the wives (because like 99% of the attendees are straight men) wear long dresses and the men wear black suits. If I can’t remember which of my two appropriate dresses I wore last year, surely no one else will remember, and I shouldn’t worry about repeating, right?
Nati
Don’t worry about repeating!
oil in houston
were there pictures taken and published in some form of internal magazine? if not, no one will remember
Senior Attorney
Not that it matters, if there were pics, can you look at them to refresh your memory?
Rainbow Hair
Oh HA let’s see if I can find pics. But I doubt I feature in any.
Senior Attorney
But really, if you can’t remember what you wore then I’d say there is a zero percent chance anybody else remembers what you wore!
Anonymous
Right. Nobody will care! I have a dress I wear to all weddings and nobody has noticed yet.
Rainbow Hair
Update I paged through our Flickr album and there I am, out of focus in the background in the dark red dress. So purple it is for this year!
Senior Attorney
Boom!
Anonymous
A little late in the day but a question: if you are applying for another position in a big organization (think university), do you give a heads up to the hiring managers if you know them, or just apply normally through the system? In this case the hiring managers are 1) the Big Boss of my division of maybe 300 people and 2) a higher up guy I have met twice but don’t work with much.
anon for this
My spouse (male) doesn’t make his own doctors appointments, kind of out of laziness since I do most of the scheduling of everything on our calendars. We’ve discussed him seeking therapy for his anxiety many times in the past, but he’s never researched/pulled the trigger. Would it be overstepping for me to make an appointment for him with a therapist/send him a list of those covered by our insurance? I know he would appreciate it but this feels like a little too much babying. On the flip side, I know he and I would both be happier if he were working with a therapist.
Anonymous
“If I found you someone to go to, would you make the initial appointment? If I made the initial appointment, would that be enough momentum for you to take over?” I would probably just ask him if he’d be okay/welcome that initial research to get over the hump. It seems like the kind thing to do, if the anxiety is part of the reason he’s not doing it himself.
I think if there is value for your relationship, then you get to decide if its worth it to you to do the initial research. And just because you start it, doesn’t mean you have to keep up with it either. You are supposed to be able to lean on your partner in a relationship, right? I think the problem comes when he’s doing all the leaning and you do all the supporting.
Anonymous
+1
TCFKAG
Offering to help him find someone who is taking patients/your insurance (if he’s interested) sure.
Making the appointment, don’t do it. Therapy is kind of one of those things you have to want to do. But maybe ask him about why he hasn’t done it. For me, I was so depressed before I started seeing my therapist that the feeling of helplessness/what’s the point that comes with that kept me from even making the appointment. My PCP basically had to bully me into doing it even though I knew I *should* do it. If it seems like that sort of situation, then helping him find someone convenient who he’ll be comfortable with (maybe a man?) wouldn’t hurt. But I really think he’s gotta pull the trigger on making the appointment himself; not just because he has to be a willing participant but also because you aren’t his mother (I don’t mean that as a pejorative, it’s just that you have to have boundaries. My husband never goes to see ANY doctors other than the dentist and it drives me nuts, but I know I can’t make him. He has to get there on his own eventually. Though I did make him come to one of *my* therapy sessions at one point and that actually did help us quite a bit).
Anon
I think for some people, particularly those suffering from anxiety, having somebody make the appointment can be incredibly helpful. Best for OP to talk to her spouse and feel this out.
Betsy
To offer another perspective, I think you should go ahead and make the appointment for him. Lots of people hate making appointments! I’ve been procrastinating all summer on calling my furnace guy to schedule a cleaning, that doesn’t mean that I’m not emotionally prepared to have my furnace cleaned or that I don’t really want it done. It just means I hate picking up the phone and scheduling an appointment. If he’s truly on board with the idea of doing therapy, just can’t seem to get the legwork done to make it happen I don’t see anything wrong with helping out.
Senior Attorney
I agree with this. I would dearly love for somebody to do something like this for me.
Also Betsy? Doing the thing is easier than worrying about doing the thing. Make the call and then come and report back, okay? I’ll give you a virtual cookie when it’s done! :)