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I honestly do not remember what I wore in the summers before readers introduced me to the delightfully lightweight Jockey slip shorts. (Knowing me, probably compression shapewear plus a slip.)
In any event, I was intrigued to see an online discussion on Twitter where people were talking about these kinds of garments, and there were a LOT of people in the comments shouting out the unfortunately named “chub rub” shorts from SnagTights.
According to SnagTights,
Designed to keep you a degree cooler, Chub Rubs use perfected knitting techniques with aerated yarn for softness, breathability and moisture wicking properties. Snag Chub Rub Shorts stop thigh chaffing, are knitted for robustness, have a cotton gusset for freshness, are quick drying and opaque. A stay put waistband is designed with both a vertical and horizontal ribbing, so there is no rolling down and is high rise to sit just below a bra line so they smooth over the body and look great under clothes.
Nice! I especially like that SnagTights come in sizes 2-32 for $14 – compare that to the Jockey slip shorts for around $24 in sizes S-2X. (Another possible contender – I just ordered some Airism slip shorts from Uniqlo.)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Thanks (Paris)
Just wanted to say thanks to all who recommended Hotel Monge. Just got back from a lovely stay, plus the concierge was a total hero helping us navigate some strike-related complications with our onward travel.
Emily in Paris
That was me! Yay! Dreaming about my next trip back there …
Is it Friday yet?
Good chance that was me – glad you also loved it!
Anon
Aw yay! I m happy for you. Happy to pay it forward. I stayed there based on a recommendation from the Hive and it was lovely.
Anon
My pet peeve with shorts like this is lower hems that roll up. The same brands other people say never roll up often roll up on me. I think it’s the shape of one’s thighs, actually. I’m pretty sick of trying new brands.
Anon
Have you tried the ones with the silicone strips inside the bottoms? Like the Soma panties.
Anon
I seem to be allergic or sensitive to silicone – I haven’t tried it in shorts but the soma undies left me with angry red welts, so I’m not really willing to try!
Anonymous
Do the Thigh Society ones roll up? I have no issues with those, and rather large thighs.
Anon
I tried to post a minute ago but it disappeared. Sorry if it duplicates!
Have you tried Thigh Society? Those do not roll up on me and I have pretty big thighs! I love them, they’re very thin!
Anon
Yes I have, unfortunately same thing. And I do size up.
Anon
Sometimes sizing down helps, because it enables the shorts to get a better grip on your thigh.
Anon
If they’re rolling up they’re probably too small. I usually have to buy these kinds of shorts a size bigger.
Anonymous
I hate the shorts and just use body glide or similar on my inner thighs.
Anon
I’ve tried the glide and I think my chub is just too rubby for it.
anon
LOL, I like how you put that. I have thighs at every size, and Body Glide doesn’t do much for me. I like it for preventing blisters on my feet, though.
Anonymous
huh, that’s never happened to me and e-ver-y-thing else rolls up on me. i just like the jockey ones.
Rainbow Hair
A ton depends (of course) on like, the shape of your thighs and hips, but if the tighter ones don’t work, petipants might be? They’re like, looser and breezier and longer (so a no-go for shorter dresses!), silky, no stretch. Also cheap. Also, they can be kinda cute if your skirt flips up.
Anon
Those of you who’ve had the GeneSight test – did you ask for it or was it offered? Need help framing the ask with a doctor who’s sympathetic but firm. (Currently mid-quit with my 6th med. Experiencing a powerful resurgence of “irritability,” which really ought to be renamed “raging at all the things.”) My angry plan at the moment is to stand up on that hideous crinkly paper covering the table during my visit Friday and say I’m not getting down until he orders the bleeping test.
pugsnbourbon
The psychiatric nurse I see for med management recommended the test. I’m interested in why your doc is resistant?
Anne-on
The magic words in my experience are ‘I would like it documented in my file that you are refusing to order this test.’
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it is the absolute worst having to go through figuring out what meds work for you on top of dealing with the mood issues.
Anonymous
Doctors have to be “providers” for the test — every time I’ve asked for it for my son I’ve been told how useless it is because the doctors don’t want to go through the pain of signing up to be a provider for a slightly minimal reward. Our latest psych finally said she’d do it for us after yet another drug did nothing — she said she submitted a request but hadn’t heard anything from the company yet. If you look around the website there’s a way to figure out which providers offer it near you.
AnonMD
Umm, no. Your doctors are refusing because it’s a useless test that doesn’t predict clinical response. We would love, love, love if a blood test could tell us that and I promise, I would jump through any hoops necessary to get access to it. Unfortunately, GeneSight doesn’t offer that and instead markets lies to patients.
anon
Actually, there is truth to this.
OP, I hear your frustration, but if you have tried that many meds already that tells the doctor more than the gene test will do. I might carefully consider whether you want to move to a new psychiatrist and see if “fresh eyes” will have new ideas. Also talk with your PCP to see if there there is anything else medical that could be exacerbating things (eg. perimenopause/hormonal changes/thyroid issues/B12/sleep problems etc…). Also, for some people they need multiple meds, or additional treatment with “happy lights” or other complementary things (eg. exercise/mediation/yoga etc..). And sometimes a medicine that didn’t work before, may work now, or may work in combination.
A lot of medicine is trial and error. Sad but true.
Anonymous
2:50 here – it’s for my AuDHD son, not me. Although I also haven’t responded well to Adderol, Ritalin, and Wellbutrin barely makes a blip.
anon
Ah – I was saying for the OP.
Anon
I mostly agree, except there are psychiatrists out there who were trained to think that an unsuccessful response to medication is a sign of psychological “resistance,” who can be intimidated by a GeneSight result into believing the the medication may actually not be working well for the patient.
Anon
I think it is good to help not waste time o. Drugs that may be u likely to work well for you. aDHD meds never worked for my kid after years and years of trying. Finally got the test to avoid more wasted time and frustration.
Anon
I read that ADHD can involve dopamine, norepinephrine, or acetylcholine (and presumably any combination thereof). Currently all the acetylcholine therapies are off label or OTC!
Anon
These symptoms would be endocrine, not psych, if I were the patient.
WhyAmIBadAtThis?
Recently my husband realized that he’s very good at treating himself to all kinds of things and I am very bad at it. He told me that he will start putting $200 aside every month in the budget for me to pamper myself. I have a couple of month’s accumulated because I have no idea what to do with it, which I realize is a dumb problem. I do sometimes get my nails done. I don’t really love massages and facials. It’s not enough money for a wardrobe overhaul which I actually need. I used to have hobbies but I have a baby now and my only current hobby is sleep. How would you spend $200 a month to pamper yourself? Thanks!
Anon
Solo trip or overnight in a hotel? Honestly while I’m sure this is well-intentioned, what many new moms need most is time, so your husband putting aside money but not giving you the time off to use it feels like kind of an empty gesture.
anon
+1
I would save it up and take a girls trip/weekend more often.
Anon
Maybe hire a babysitter with that money and pursue your hobbies. Also, you can do a wardrobe overhaul slowly overtime. Buy one fun piece each month.
Anon
Ditto this. Or hire a baby sitter and go sit in the park by yourself. I’m generally very good about treating myself, but what I consider treats are generally things that are very cheap — face masks, nail polish, nice pajamas, good socks, coffee.
Anon
Agree except for the “fun” piece. A closet full of fun pieces is nothing to wear. If OP needs to replace her entire wardrobe she should start with good basics.
Anonymous
I’d consider a subscription wardrobe service like Nuuly or RTR. They’re well within your budget.
Anon
Thing I use my “allowance” for: Starbucks on my way to work, buying lunches out at work, books I want to read, subscriptions if I’ll use them and he won’t (ie- right now I’m paying for Apple TV so I can watch Ted Lasso, I’ll cancel when it’s over). Honestly, these are the little things that make me happy so I enjoy them guilt free.
Anon
I’d start on the wardrobe if that’s actually what you need. Just buy one or two really nice elevated basics and build from there. I really think it’s only on TV that people spend a few grand in one go and overhaul their wardrobe all at once.
Anon
Overhaul your wardrobe now. If it costs more than you have saved, pay it back via the future $200/month payments or chalk it up to the cost of having a baby.
I wish I had done a better wardrobe overhaul after having my son. Just… did not feel right spending the money.
treat yo'self!
It sounds like $200/mo is more symbolic than an actual hard budget, so I think you should overhaul your wardrobe (especially since you’ve got a few months saved up already!). DH gifted me an overhaul of my athletic wear for my birthday a few years ago, and it was the BEST. We can afford to buy nicer pieces, but it feels extravagant to do that, especially in one big go.
The gift was “permission” to spend a significant amount for a bunch of items at once, but it was also “permission” to upgrade to that level of quality for future items. I didn’t feel like he would be judging me for wearing $100 leggings to the gym after the initial replacement of older items and then adding a new thing at a similar price point as needed.
If you can afford $200/month for pampering, it feels like you can afford a one-time splurge to buy some foundational items, and then use the $200 to add to your wardrobe in the future.
Other suggestions: take your friends out for fancy brunch and pick up the whole bill, hire a babysitter and do a date night that’s more catered to your preferences, do an excursion that is a splurge (we did a hot air balloon ride + champagne brunch for a milestone anniversary and it was awesome! More expensive than we’d normally do for a date, but we felt so spoiled when we did it).
Anon
Oof- I realize this is pure stupidity on our part. I’m pregnant with #2 and just now ran the numbers and truly realized we’ll be adding another $20k/year for daycare fees. It’ll be fine and we’ll figure it out. I just didn’t realize how much we were still living with a DINK mentality.
Anon
It’s not pure stupidity. Parents can sometimes integrate the first kid into their lives rather seamlessly. I know that for us, a second kid would mean a radical transformation in our lives, home, cars, and budget, which is some of the reason we aren’t doing it.
As I keep saying, disposable income is exponential. (Imagine: HHI of $100k a year, $5k of disposable income. Get a 15% raise. Disposable income has not gone up 15%; it’s tripled.) Flip side is that additional expenses can really wreck your financial cushion pretty quickly.
Anon
Finances were a pretty big factor in us being one and done too. Certainly people have two (or more) kids on lower incomes than ours, but I like our lifestyle the way it is and we could absorb the expenses of one kid much more easily. It’s not just daycare for ~5 years, it’s significant added expenses in terms of activities, travel, medical costs, etc. from birth to 18. It’s a lot and we also would have had to make major lifestyle changes to have a second. And that’s not even factoring in college.
Anonymous
These are somewhat unhelpful comments once someone is already in it (and can’t do much if anything to change that, thanks SCOTUS).
Anon
It’s helpful for those who are thinking about it going forward, or beating themselves up for being surprised that the costs of a second kid are not always incremental. Maybe we should be having more honest discussions about this.
For us, we would need a bigger home and a bigger car (DH drives a subcompact) if we had another. We can afford to save for college and pay for daycare now; if we had a second, the money that is currently going to a 529 would go to daycare for the second.
Anon at 3:14
You’re right, I’m sorry. I was trying to commiserate with OP and agree with the previous poster at 2:43 that OP wasn’t being stup1d, but I see how it reads in a way that isn’t helpful.
OP
I took it as commiseration! You’re right- we were lucky/privileged to be able to absorb the cost of our first child without significant impact, but we are going to have to make lifestyle changes for #2. It’s also good to keep in mind if we consider a 3rd (we’re likely 2 and done, but even more to put in the con column).
Anon
Oh Friend. SAME. Sent in paper work last week to current daycare to reserve the “last spot” for infant care the month I’ll return to work. I’m not even out of 1st Trimester. It makes it more real the amount of money we’ll be spending next year. It’ll be fine. Everyone always says there is never a perfect time to have kids anyway.
Anon
Just remember it’s temporary. You’ll get a huge raise when they go to elementary school, at least if it’s a public school (which I advocate for strongly.)
Been there! My kids are 20 months apart. Both are in college at the same time now – start saving now, or if you can’t, hit it hard when they leave daycare.
Anonymous
I have 3 kids and just spent $1200 on registration fees for spring lacrosse (they all play) alone. Forget gear.
Add into that clothing (and the shoes, oh the shoes!) x3, fees for sports and activities year round (I don’t add it up but it’s for sure 10k; they do a lot), food, the cost of G-D toilet paper, shampoo and nail polish remover x3 girls, you name it. Plus bigger cars, health issues x3 (we recently had 3 ER visits in 5 months), plane tickets literally anywhere x5, just….everything.
I wouldn’t trade it for a second but every once in a while I laugh at what life must be like with all the disposable income we could have without kids!
anon
My (global public) company never had pumping rooms. Then we got new office space a year ago, and then we suddenly did have “mother’s rooms”. Three months in they were rebranded “wellness rooms”. Two – one on each floor. Complete with a sink, lounge-y chair and fridge. The intent of the room is fully known despite having a generic “wellness” moniker.
They’re being abused. It’s an uber male dominated industry, fwiw, but my office has some budding female talent, two of whom are currently pumping. They’ve missed client meetings because of people being in there. Some 20-somethings have been caught napping off hangovers. I’m told that was a addressed. Unclear why other people are in there. You can’t ask, I suppose, but also…. idk. It feels like a slippery slope, but the fact is these women need to pump.
Facilities is digging in HARD, saying that they cannot be exclusive to women. What if someone needs to have a call with a therapist (use a phone room?), “inject medication for cancer treatments or insulin”, or any other scenario where someone might want a locked closed door.
Ok, fine – those scenarios absolutely exist in the world, maybe even in my office because I’m not entitled to know that about people. I’m reasonable, I think. I see that. I recognize pumping women are not the sole faction in need of some inkling of privacy but I’m also ready to bang my head against the wall. I was told that if the pumping women need private space maybe I should work from home (in a business development industry with 5 days a week in office since Sept 2020… no can do in this job… an absurd suggestion).
I’m the senior woman in the office, once pumped (have a 5 year old) and feel very strongly about this. We are hemorrhaging female talent, too. Am I way off base here? What do your companies do? My solution was to make the one on our floor “lactation room” and the one on the floor below us generic “wellness”. That’s too exclusionary, I was told.
I’m at a loss. Help or check me?
Anon
I’ve never had a child, so I don’t know how realistic this is, but is it possible to create a reservation calendar for the room? That way hungover bros can sleep it off whenever they want, but people with real needs (meds, pumping) can do so.
Might need to create an anonymous way to sign up?
Anon
Sorry: “whenever they want” that the room isn’t reserved.
OP
Theoretically yes, but we’re in business development and at the mercy of our client’s. Big Finance, really. So many last minute meetings that these mothers aren’t scheduling themselves. Their schedules, at their level, are dictated to them for the most part and changes happen a lot. I just spoke with one of them and she said if she’d have to be married to a schedule she could not do this job.
Cora
I think most places do have some kind of sign up sheet for rooms like this?
Anon
i thought lactation rooms or mothers rooms or whatever are allowed? i just looked up the on the Department of Labor website and it says this: “An employer may create or convert a temporary space for expressing milk, or make a space available when needed, by the nursing employee. The space must be shielded from view, and free from any intrusion from co-workers and the public. The location provided must be functional as a space for expressing breast milk. If the space is not dedicated to the nursing employees’ use, it must be available when the employee needs in order to meet the statutory requirement. Employers may also choose to create permanent, dedicated spaces for employees to express breast milk.” Please read the last sentence. They can choose to create permanent, dedicated space. And if they don’t, it has to be available when the employee needs it. i will also follow up with a link
Anonymous
Right. You have to allow anyone lactating to use it. Men including. Not allow anyone to use it for whatever purpose. Why are you talking to facilities? It’s an HR/ general counsel issue. Because you are allowing anyone to use the rooms for anything you’re failing in reality to accommodate people pumping.
Anon
This. Get a L&E attorney on the phone. You aren’t complying with mandates if women can’t pump because hungover men are taking a nappy-poo in the pumping room.
Your fallback position is that the room is for diabetes, injections, and pumping. Other uses are not permitted.
Anon
Yep. My govt contractor employer has all the red tape and anything not fitting into standard procedure takes an extra 2 months to be run by legal counsel, and we still have over 15 lactation rooms.
This excuse doesn’t hold up.
Anon
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/nursing-mothers/faq
there were updates to the law in December 2022 which help your case
OP
Bless you. Maybe we win the argument on the basis of the word “dedicated” in the second to last sentence of the “Do employers need to create a permanent, dedicated space for use by nursing employees?”
It is so unreal we’ve gotten to this point. sigh.
Anon
Just tell your facilities folks that the pumping rooms are not limited to women; they are for persons who are breastfeeding a baby.
Anon
You’re not way off base. It’s the law that companies have a space for employees to pump. If the room is being used by others to the point that your pumping employees are delayed and missing meetings, it sounds like your company might be in violation of the law. At the very least it’s worth a conversation with HR and/or in-house counsel, I would think.
Anon
Also I call BS on facilities saying it can’t be only for nursing mothers. I have worked at numerous companies that had “lactation rooms” expressly intended for mothers who were pumping. It wasn’t like there was someone monitoring it 24/7 and kicking anyone who wasn’t pumping out but it was intended to be used only by pumping moms and in the two years I pumped I never saw anyone else in there. It’s not discriminatory to men to have a dedicated pumping space.
Anon
+1 have worked at several companies and had 2 children, pumped in dedicated lactation rooms of 3 offices! Maybe more, when I’ve been on client visits. We should not be having this debate, it is required and a basic necessity.
anonchicago
I just returned to work after maternity leave and this makes me so stabby on your behalf. It appears they’re violating the recently passed PUMP act, on the basis that these rooms are not free from intrusion given what you’ve described.
https://www.mamava.com/why-buy-blog/what-is-the-pump-for-nursing-mothers-act
Also, I thought it was standard to require reservations for the rooms. At my current employer and at a past Big 4, the room had to be reserved in Outlook for the requested times. My current employer goes the additional step of only enabling your badge to the room after you request access and state that you are pumping. A prior employer (not the Big 4) handled this by locking certain conference rooms and only giving keys to the women in need. This would solve the issue around injections or whatever as it would prevent people using the room to sleep off a hangover.
At my first internship in college, my fellow intern told me she sometimes went to a secret room to take naps. Turns out that was a pumping room, and yes it was the perfect nap location as it was secluded and had a couch. I used it once and looking back, am horrified at my behavior.
Anon
This is such a pet peeve of mine. My company sounds very similar to yours – two rooms branded as “wellness rooms” on different floors. To use them, you needed to sign up in Outlook in a very specific way. Instructions were posted on the doors and in the rooms but people still ducked in there with no reservation for the most random things (think teeth brushing, meditation time, making phone calls), messing up the whole system. At one point there were 6 pumping mothers in the company and the schedule had zero wiggle room. I felt like I was always running behind because I’d get there at my time and someone would be in there eating breakfast, for instance, claiming that they reserved the room but obviously did it incorrectly because I “owned” the room at the same time every single day. All this to say: there is no perfect method, but whatever you decide, make it as simple, obvious and easy as possible and ask Facilities to send an email blast about it. And don’t be afraid to complain if people aren’t following the system.
Anon
I believe federal law says that pumping facilities must be provided and must be private and must not be a bathroom. Your company is in violation of the law, and I’d raise hell (in fact I did this at my prior employer when they were in violation of California law)
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/pump-at-work
OP
It has a lock. Does that count as private? It’s private when the pumping woman is in there. But it’s not exclusive.
Anon
It’s private if there’s a lock. But if the room is so busy with non-pumpers that women are missing meetings because they can’t schedule pumping time, I would argue women don’t really have “use” of the room. I definitely think this is at least a gray area legally and is very worth making a stink about internally.
Anecdata
The approach I would take is that the provided space is clearly not enough /for the number of people using it/ (women are late to client meetings because they can’t get in!). Don’t focus on whether the company needs to make it /exclusive/ to pumping; focus on whether people who are pumping can reliably get access when they need it. If they can’t, or if there’s more demand than the room can serve, that’s the problem — whether that’s caused by allowing non-pumping wellness uses, or just by having eg. 20 pumping employees. In either case, 2 rooms is not enough. Up to company whether they want to solve that by restricting usage; or by adding more rooms.
Anonymous
Mama can buy formula. Shrug.
Anon
You sound like a peach.
Anon
Please tell me this is sarcasm, because aside from the fact that women have a legal right to pump at work, there isn’t formula readily available.
Anon
+1000000, are you freaking kidding me
Anon
Go tr0ll somewhere else.
Trish
Hi Tradwick!
anon
We’re a big, global company with a big focus on being inclusive, so we have rooms dedicated to various private activities. There’s an explicit lactation room with fridge, sink, etc. There’s a parents’ room that I think is supposed to be a room for pumping, but also if dads need to do something with kids? Like change diapers if they bring their kid to work (that’s not a frequent thing, but I guess if you bring the baby to work for a visit or something?)? These rooms require badge access, so you can only go in if your badge is enabled and I think there’s a reservation system.
We have a meditation/prayer room that includes a foot washing station for people who practice that, and it’s generally a quiet space but anyone can go in there. The doors don’t require a badge, but they have signs that say they’re for meditation or prayer.
We have some single-stall bathrooms that are gender-neutral and lock from the inside, so if someone needs to take medication, do injections, etc., they can use those spaces.
And finally, we have locker rooms with showers and an on-site fitness room, so anyone who needs some kind of yoga, stretching, sanitation space can go there.
All of this to say, the lactation rooms are for pumping. We’ve had a few issues over the years and the violators are scolded, room purpose is reiterated, and it doesn’t happen again for a long time. It’s usually that someone didn’t pull the door all the way shut and so someone puts something in the fridge after lunch or something like that, never sleeping off hangovers.
Anon
We had the napping issue also. BigLaw.
Anonymous
We have wellness rooms and lactation rooms. Lactation rooms are only available (as in you only have badge access) if you are actually lactating. It really isn’t that hard to have a hangover room in addition to a pumping room if the company truly values giving people a place to sleep off a hangover.
Anonymous
Could you create a “swing office” or two and put anyone currently pumping in a private office? I pumped but had my own office at the time. N
anonn
^ this should be the norm. I can’t imagine how I’d have pumped for a full year if I had to schedule a room.
No Face
Are you in the United States? Federal law requires your company to provide time and space to pump for lactating parents. I would
Cornellian
Can the rooms have their own calendar? Ours does, so moms can block out 10 and 2 for pumping or whatever. It’s not ideal, since if I get a call invite for 10 I’d like to pump at 10:30 or 9:30 instead adn can’t, but it’s something.
DOL has some new guidance on this, from Dec or Jan, as well.
Sarah
I’m interviewing for a job where all of my direct reports would be on a different continent, in a time zone 7 hrs ahead of me. It’s an international company so their staff is spread around the world, but the majority are in that location.
I really like the team and the company and all that, and I’ve worked on international teams before, but never been in this exact position. Any thoughts about what I should be especially careful about or ask about?
Anon
figure out the hours you’d overlap and how early you’d be expected to be on calls/late your reports would be. DH works a lot with people 7 hours ahead and often has very very early calls. i realize you’d be the supervisor, but i dont think your direct reports would like you very much if you were scheduling calls regularly at 3pm your time and 10pm their time, unless you are in some kind of industry where the expectation is to work 24/7
anon
I’m not a manager, but I am in the EST time zone and work with people in India. They usually work until 8-10 PM IST, so my mornings are pretty heavy with meetings with them.
Sarah
Oh I was envisioning a schedule where I’d have meetings with them between roughly 3-7pm their time. I know they work later hours but not sure how late.
anonmi
I would ask how often you would be traveling to meet with your team. It can be challenging to manage a team 100% remotely, but some amount of co-location is useful.
Also try to probe if there are ongoing issues with the team that you’d need to deal with right away in the role.
Sarah
I had an interview where they interviewed me, and was able to probe about this. One of the major issues seems to be that they are getting a lot of ad hoc requests from other teams and especially since they haven’t had a director in a while have been having a hard time triaging them.
Anon
I did a short term one year assignment where my entire team was 6 and 8 hours away from me. I shifted my work hours to more closely overlap theirs, which meant I had to be very diligent about making sure my days didn’t extend to cover both my time zone and theirs. (I literally blocked my calendar for the hours I wasn’t working to try to prevent meetings from popping up.)
Ask about the likelihood of that block being possible – without it, you will burn out from working enough to cover both time zones. Also ask about the budget for in-person meetings and/ or travel. Especially if they’re all in one or two locations and you’re completely separate, it will be hard to gain their trust without some level of shared experiences.
And finally, consider the cultural or outsider ramifications. While my team was great, it added an extra layer of difficulty to be a woman temporarily managing a primarily male team situated in the middle east region (At the time, I wasn’t allowed to travel freely alone in one of the two locations). While I know that is no longer a concern in that particular location, think through potential sensitivity to you joining the team as an “outsider” and consider asking about development or team bonding resources to smooth the transition for the team.
Sarah
This is very helpful, thanks. I’m very good at boundaries tbh but I will talk to them about whether they are 1000% okay with me working something like 7am – 3pm my time, and absolutely not beyond that unless its like an emergency.
Culturally the team is actually majority women but I do worry about “the American coming in to tell them what to do” feelings. Not sure how to probe deeper about that. They work with plenty of American partners but your own boss is different.
Anon
Don’t be the ignorant American. Be curious. Don’t judge their lifestyles or choices. Don’t pan if you take meetings during your lunch hour. Because they may have to do that meeting during their dinner hour. Pronounce names properly. Ask if you need to.
My American boss was the most wonderful boss I’ve had. And that’s a rarity.
Anon
*complain,not pan
Anon
So I’m in Asia, boss in uk/Europe. Never an issue.
Schedule meetings your AM/ their 3-6pm. Then they can work during their mornings.
Sorted.
Anonymous
I’m thrilled by the Trump arrest.
Anon
Same but will anything actually come if it it will it just enrage his supporters?
busybee
My Trumpy MIL is saying :
—it’s a sham and proof that the left is fascist
—the news should be reporting on Tennessee and tornadoes
—it’s political persecution and a witch hunt
I would LOVE to debate her on these points but she’s honestly so lacking in critical thinking skills that it’s pointless.
Tennessee News
Maybe the news can report that Tennessee’s elected officials are choosing to use the state’s money to make sure no drag shows happen on state property but they are totally OK with most people in the state not having healthcare. Now *there’s* a story.
Anonymous
Tennesse also terrifies me but because they’re trying to kick out elected representatives for taking part in a peaceful pro-choice protest (a sit-in).
Seventh Sister
Solidarity. My mom and dad are almost certainly saying the same stuff. I tend to wait 48-72 hours after any big news story to call them because they only stay invested in their Fox News talking points for a few days until they are on to the next outrage.
Anon
I live one mile from where the tornadoes hit in Arkansas, and I’m suuuuuper okay with the news covering the major new story that a former president was arrested, instead of continuing to show pictures of my neighbors’ misery.
busybee
I mean yes, but I’m just sharing what Trump supporters are saying.
anon
I think it will guarantee his nomination for the Republican ticket, which I think is better for the Democrats than DeSantis (who would win back some “never Trumpers” on the right).
And if it only makes a few more independents who voted for Trump last time to vote against him next time, then that helps.
Our margins are just so close.
Anon
Sounds like a great time to ban TikTok and alienate all the young voters…
anon
If young voters are that stupid, they deserve Trump. I don’t think they are.
anon
It will just enrage his supporters. I just want him to go away completely and never see him on the news again.
Anon
I don’t see it as a great thing for the left. I know it’s anecdata, but several big Trump 2024 signs have gone up in my neighborhood in the last week (purple city, red state).
Anon
If it were about laws broken in connection to Jan 6 or abusing office, I would feel differently.
Anon
We cannot ask the Justice system to stop prosecuting crimes just because it doesn’t spin well for our side of the political game.
Anon
Oh, I 100% agree. I was just saying that I’m seeing a lot of people on the left celebrating this as a potlical win and I don’t think it is. However I definitely agree he should be prosecuted for his crimes regardless of whether or not it’s politically expedient.
Anon
Prosecutors make decisions all the time not to pursue cases, for a variety of reasons.
Anon
I genuinely don’t care much about this crime. I think it’s a bigger scandal that so much money is spent on elections in the first place. I think it would probably be easier to find similar issues with other campaigns and that it’s bad to have a system where a lot of people have done a crime but it’s prosecuted sometimes and not other times.
I would like to see accountability for crimes that mattered more.
anonymous
I’m far to the left of center, but this is deranged. While nobody is above the law in this country, we’re entering very, very dangerous territory by arresting former office holders and current political candidates. There’s really no question this prosecution would not be occurring if Trump was a Dem… which is troubling.
Nevertheless, if laws were broken, it’s worth carrying through the prosecution for the sake of our legal system and rule of law, but it is emphatically not something to be thrilled about. If the charges are as flimsy as many leaks suggest, and especially if Trump wins a quick dismissal, the prosecution does actually start to smack of fascism. It also (indirectly) weakens other investigations and potential prosecutions that seem to have a stronger basis!
Anon
I’m a former prosecutor in NYS (so familiar with state criminal laws) and just read the indictment. In my opinion, this is going to trial, it’s not going to be a quick dismissal. And I can’t imagine him pleading guilty to anything, ever.
Anon
Yeah, this will not end well. At all. This is about digging and digging and digging because people want Trump in jail. That isn’t how our justice system works: we don’t say “orange man bad,” then try to find a crime, any crime, to charge him with. We are supposed to start with evidence of a crime and then find a perp.
Anon
I commented below, but my county DA is actively investigating election tampering in GA by Trump and is very likely to secure an indictment. That should be the marquee case – everyone knows what he did and knows it was beyond the pale. This is a distraction that lets him play the victim.
Anon
+1
Seventh Sister
I wish he was being indicted for 1/6 but I have no hope that will ever happen.
anonshmanon
I wouldn’t exclude the possibility that this indictment has broken the dam so to speak. If the Georgia DA investigating the election overturning case had any qualms about indicting, he/she now knows that neither an indictment nor the arraignment will lead to riots in the streets. Since everyone here talks so much about prosecutorial discretion…
Anonymous
Oh please. Politicians are regularly charged in all kinds of western democratic countries if they break the law. Business fraud is not some kind of trumped up charge. The indictment is public and the trial and evidence will be on the public record. It would be shocking and anti-democratic if he wasn’t charged. The notion that politicians should only be accountable in a court of law if they like personally rob or murder someone in front of many witnesses is nuts.
anon
I’m just waiting for something to actually result from it. He’s been getting away with sh!t his whole life; he’ll find some way to get out of this, too.
Anonymous
Same but I miss then days when an indictment on numerous counts of business fraud actually excluded someone for candidacy for higher office.
Anon
I’m not. Indict him for something people actually care about, rather than something that looks like an inconsequential act to people who don’t follow politics closely. Bragg should have stood aside and let Fani Willis in Georgia go first.
And before anyone says that he broke the law, he did, but prosecutorial discretion is a thing.
Anon
Can anyone recommend a headset for work calls that is basically like Apple earbuds but better quality? Doesn’t have to be wireless
Anon
Better sound* quality
anon
Look at Bose?
Check Wirecutter recs.
BeenThatGuy
I have the Bose wireless headphones and they are a dream. I highly recommend them.
anon
I got the Cowin E7 wireless headphones back in2020 when I started WFH permanently. They’ve been going strong since them. I got them on Amazon.
Anon
I wanted to buy my brother a gift card to Taskrabbit so that he can use it to do some pending chores in the house that he hasn’t had time for. He has some furniture that is lying uninstalled, curtains that need to be put up, etc. However, Taskrabbit doesn’t do gift cards.
Can you suggest something else I can gift that would be equivalent and save time? I know this is something he may not spend on for himself, and is super busy with other commitments right now. Would Thumbtack be similar? Or any others?
Anonymous
So, as someone who has tried to do a similar thing for family members and then they just never schedule the service themselves, the best thing you can do is tell your brother to give you three times when he will be home and the task rabbit could come over, and schedule it for him. I feel you in wanting to give this gift, and I think the only way it works is to do the extra step of scheduling it if he’s that busy. YMMV, you know your brother best, but this is what has worked for me.
anon
+1 for me the problem is not the time to do the chore, it’s the time and energy to schedule it (I almost always hire out bc I do not DIY). This gift would be an absolute waste for me and things would still not get done.
Anonymous
When you have a day where you just don’t want to work, what do you do? Bare minimum? Take the day off? Just stare at the screen?
Anon
Just monitor email for any crises that arise and nap/read/get outside.
Anon
Monitor email and do one of three things: get outside and hike / workout so I feel better, do some chores around the house while listening to podcasts or an audiobook, or settle in to binge watch a few episodes. All of these things are luxuries cuz I have two toddlers! And I don’t feel bad doing it because I live by the billable hour, know a slow day is inevitably followed by a crisis so I’ll probably still hit my targets for my firm, and my clients aren’t paying me a cent for those unbilled hours either.
Anon
I watch birds and read crap on the internet. I like to have a few hobbies that don’t cost money!
Anon
Sorry I thought you meant days off work!!
pugsnbourbon
So long as you have a window, you can do these things on workdays too!
Anon
I started putting out birdfeeders and these birds are costing me money.
Anon
I have feeders and also hand feed a blue jay (I’m in deep- help me!) but honestly, as far as hobbies go, it’s a fairly inexpensive one.
Tip from me – bring your feeder in at night. You’ll save a lot of seed from rats etc getting into it. We have ours on a carabiner so we just clip it on/clip it off fairly easily. The birds are waiting for us in the morning.
Anon
Thanks for the tips!
I don’t really mind; I am just laughing at myself at how quickly it escalated. (Do all bluebirds drop 10 mealworms for every mealworm they eat?)
I am very jealous that you’re hand feeding one. I’ve only ever managed this with chipmunks, and it was an older neighbor who did the taming.
I have taken the feeders in for weather reasons before, so that would be very easy to do. Also, I like the idea of not encouraging vermin to come anywhere near my house!
Trish
I organize the files in my computer and clean up my office.
re-posting retinol question
Re-posting, since it was late in the thread yesterday: I bought the Roc retinol cream that was recommended here, and I’ve used it twice so far. I know retinol can be an irritating ingredient, and I started by alternating it with my other actives (I use BHA and Vitamin C). My face is not happy, so I gave my skin the night off. It still feels tight and dry, but the burning sensation has subsided, so that’s a plus!
How long does it take for your skin to get used to the Retinol? Should I plan to take some nights off with zero actives and then rotate between the retinol, BHA, and vitamin C? I worked my way up to the BHA and vitamin C over time, and I’ve been using both for 2+ years, so I know my face can handle actives.
Anon
Try it once a week, then twice a week etc. In between, particularly if your skin is irritated, don’t use any actives. No exfoliating (physical or chemical) no vitamin c, etc. Just use a soothing moisturizer. I like the honest company gel moisturizer for this, as well as the la Roche Posay toleraine in the small pump bottle (can’t remember the name, will come back and link) or a Cica moisturizer. I like the one called Happy Face from Beauty Pie but there are plenty of Korean moisturizers featuring cica.
Anon
The la Roche Posay
https://www.target.com/p/la-roche-posay-toleriane-dermallegro-ultra-soothing-repair-facial-moisturizer-1-35oz/-/A-14225617
Anon
The honest company
https://www.target.com/p/honest-beauty-hydrogel-cream-with-hyaluronic-acid-1-7-fl-oz/-/A-75562152
(It has hyaluronic acid but that is not an exfoliating acid and is very soothing on most people)
nyclaw
looping back to the jcrew blazer from yesterday. Other than a person who is short waisted enough that a high waisted pant would cover the middle up to where the jacket starts…. what would you wear under this jacket? seems to me that a tucked in shirt with a pant waist and then the jacket above would cut your body really awkwardly. Other than wearing this over a dress which would finesse the waist problem, how could you wear this? Real question.