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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Wow — what an interesting blazer from Diane von Furstenberg. It's silk, but the pattern is made to look like tweed, which is really cool. I'm normally not a fan of black and yellow together, but I think it's ok here. The blazer is $398 at ShopBop. Diane von Furstenberg Victor Print BlazerSales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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mer
Anyone have suggestions for a fun lunch place in Atlantic City? I am helping to plan a girls’ weekend and would love any tips on a fun, delicious, and reasonably priced place for a group of about 10-12 people? Thank you!!
Anon
Carmines.
Anon Also
I think Carmines is only family style. Are you staying in a hotel there? That would make it easier to give suggestions.
AN
I’m probably very fashion-backward but I just don’t get this blazer. Seems very weird to me.
GRA
I would maybe wear it out at night, but most definitely not to work. The colors remind me of a bumble bee.
GRA
Also, did anyone else click through and see the other blazers Shopbop is recommending? The Elie Tahari Amelia jacket is … confusing … to say the least.
Susan
I’ve given up on Shopbop. It seems to just sell two types of clothes (1) overpriced baggy schmattes and (2) too short-too-tight-too low-cut dresses that remind me of the worst of the 80s. Both types look only sort of look palatable on 6′ skinny people with miles of leg. I just can’t relate.
Anonee
If it’s any consolation, that is my body type and I just cannot hang with Shopbop. Everything looks the same to me.
Susan
@Anonee
For awhile, I thought: if I weren’t a scrawny midgety type, maybe the Shopbop stuff would work. And then I realized it was less my body type and more my sense of aesthetics clashing with theirs.
Former MidLevel
Actually, I really like it – for business casual or for the weekend with jeans.
new york associate
I really like the shape, and I would like the pattern if it were actually tweed. But the combo isn’t working for me.
anonz
Yes, exactly. It would be cute for fall if it was really tweed, but this faux tweed is weird.
r
I really love this blazer, but too pricey for me right now :(
MsZ
[this site] fail: last night I treated my upper lip peach fuzz, and I apparently applied depilatory outside the boundary of where I had applied the pre-treatment balm. Those areas are now throbbing, swollen, and red. I put concealer on the red areas, but to my eye I look like I had really bad work done on my face. If anyone asks, it’s an adverse reaction to a bug bite. Awesome way to stagger back into this full work week!
Anastasia
What is this pre-treatment balm you speak of? I’ve given up on depilatories because about 40% of the time, I have exactly the reaction you described… I might be willing to give it another go if these pre-treatment things work, though.
Also, Kat’s description of this blazer has the black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow song stuck in my head.
Herbie
got so many rocks up in my watch, can’t tell what the time is
a.
Kat puts it down from her whip to her diamonds, what can I say
magnolia
^ LOL
MsZ
It’s half of the Olay facial hair removal duo (the other half being the depilatory). The balm covers the skin and lips, leaving just the hair poking through to come into contact with the depilatory. Up until last night’s user error, the system seemed to work really well for me.
Blackandyellowblackandyellow . . .
May
Any (safe on face) cream meant for bug bites should help, or steroid containing cream like those prescribed for eczema… it’d be for a one-off application! I’ve done bad things to my face similarly and found ice helps. Dramatising the make-up overall might deflect attention too.
We all tend to be more critical of ourselves than others, if that’s any consolation.
Anastasia
Thanks! I haven’t tried that brand, but I’m intriuged… I’ll give it a chance sometime when I’m not worried about how my face looks for the next couple of days. :)
MissJackson
I live in Pittsburgh, so I have a long-held belief that black and yellow/gold “match” but this doesn’t do anything for me.
uh huh, you know what it is……
Lula
This. Love my pgh sports teams!!
NOLA
Way to go, Stillers, way to go!
shortiek
That must be the reason why I like this blazer!
KK
Oh that’s awful. I’ve had similar mishaps. Maybe an ibuprofen would help?
If it’s any consolation, I am also staggering back into the full work week and I have no real excuses for why.
ANP
Can you mix crushed-up aspirin in a bit of water and apply it to the affected area? I’ve heard this can reduce redness/swelling.
Suzer
try hydrocortisone cream
Anonymous
Visine might also take out some of the red.
Coalea
I feel your pain – literally! I got my brows waxed over the weekend and have a raw red patch on my left eyelid/brow bone. 95% of the time waxing is a breeze, but every now and then they rip off my skin. Hurts like a mother and takes forever to stop looking nasty.
Anon
I know lots of you wear J Crew clothes, but maybe do not enjoy J Crew prices? One of the bloggers I follow is selling her J Crew work clothes (she recently left the “corporate world”) and there are some lovely pieces for good prices (a lot less than in the store J Crew!). You can see the items for sale here: http://gennyalexander.typepad.com/alexander/2012/07/time-to-shop.html If I was a size 8, I would scoop some of these up for sure!
b23
I love that magenta one, but it wouldn’t fit me. Someone should snag it up!
Seattleite
Genny comments here often, I believe.
Anon
I thought so, too … but I haven’t seen her for a while. Maybe she stopped once she was no longer “corporette”? :)
Eileen
thanks for the tip! I snagged the fuschia dress!
Genny
Thank you, Anon (whoever you are!), for posting about my sale. I promise all the items are in great condition and have been dry-cleaned! I have not been to this site in a couple months (but had to visit when I saw all the traffic coming my way from here today) … I am honored that some of you amazing ladies actually read my little blog. :)
qwerty
anyone have a nyc rental real estate agent recommendation? the ones i’ve been dealing with are making me want to pull out my hair. i’m looking for new digs in chelsea. gracias!
AIMS
I was going to recommend someone I worked with before but can’t find her on the agency website. In any event, I have had relatively decent experience with Citi Habitats brokers. None of the typical shadiness or incompetence. I would call their Chelsea office to find someone.
Pippit
I moved recently, and found Citi Habitats to be the best of a bad lot, but be ready to talk to multiple people there, too. Some were _much_ better than others. I found the shadiness and incompetence so frustrating. The best results I got were really by pounding the pavement, looking at different buildings, and asking door attendants/supers if there were apartments available. It takes more time, but I got better results and took the brokers (mostly) out of the process. Good luck!
A
I had a good experience with Tim Drucker from Citi Habitats. Very realistic – I was SO sick of dealing with brokers who tried to push me into apartments that were out of the neighborhood I wanted or out of my price range.
Susan
“best of a bad lot” is spot on. That was my experience with Citi Habitats, too.
rosie
I liked Waqar at Citi Habitats (he posts listings on CL as “Walker”). He may be more UWS, though.
MJ
My old landlord has some buildings in Chelsea. Try nofeerentals dot com. Jacobsen Properties. They were good, honest and fair (but I lived in the Village). And they are no fee, no need for a broker, which is GREAT!
AIMS
There’s also a book that’s sold in B&N (NY Real Estate section) that lists all the big no fee rental buildings, many in Chelsea, that you can go to directly. Zany’s real estate book is also good. But that’s if you’re looking for one of the more upscale/new building options. If you have your heart set on a cute brownstone, a broker is your best bet.
NOLA
I think this jacket looks oddly casual for the price.
Well, wish us luck. My colleague and I have a meeting scheduled this morning with our new boss-to-be to carefully explain to him that his 101 ideas and questions booklet is not a good idea. We’re going to suggest that he use it to inform his discussions when he gets here and to introduce themes, but not all at once. My stomach is churning, but I’m hoping we can just chalk this up to inexperience rather than ego.
SugarMagnolia
Good luck! This sounds like it could be an awkward discussion.
eek
Good luck NOLA. At least you’re trying and aren’t completely discounting it.
Petunia
Good luck NOLA!
Susan
Good luck! His response to what will no doubt be polite and helpful feedback will tell you much about his character. I hope his character is fundamentally good.
NOLA
Well, we did it! We had some technical difficulties with the conference call, but once we got started it was a good and productive conversation. He started out by saying that he had planned on sending it out before he gets here and that he wanted to be sure his questions weren’t ridiculous (can’t remember the exact word he used). We assured him that they weren’t, but made it clear that a) some of them could be problematic in terms of his relationships with the specific people involved; b) we thought 101 was overwhelming and intimidating, and c) we thought it was a bad idea to send it before he gets here because there will be a lot of fear and concern and water cooler talk and he won’t be here to answer the questions. All in all, I think he took it pretty well and he does seem like a good guy who respects us and our experience. He still seems tied to the idea of creating the booklet and that it be 101 things (yeesh). That said, he took our feedback seriously and will reconsider sending it out before he gets here. He put some of it in context and said he wants to add a preface to explain himself. He talked about trust and, honestly, I don’t think he understands that nobody here trusts him until he earns it. So I sent him my more detailed comments and he said he plans on sending us a new draft tomorrow. I guess we’ll see!
Samantha
10. Tell him 10 works better than 101. Evolutionarily, people like that number better because of the 10 fingers and toes thing. ;)
NOLA
Well, we tried to recommend that he pare it down. At one point I specifically asked him if he was tied to the idea of 101 because it’s too much and he wasn’t getting it or didn’t want to hear it. We told him we liked the idea of “themes” within them. I don’t know.
Susan
Yay! I’m so glad it worked out pretty much.
I really do wonder (re: his being wedded to the idea of a booklet) if he read some sort of cheesy “market yo self” type of leadership self-help book and thinks that he needs to make an impression in some way and thinks that somehow, a booklet will do it.
Of course it’ll make an impression, most likely the wrong kind of impression.
NOLA
I think he’s done some splashy publications in previous jobs and thinks this is a good way to start off. My colleague even said (to me, not him) that she thought some of the questions were things he had read about somewhere. If we can’t stop him from doing it, we just have to let go and try to minimize any damage.
Seattleite
My nails today are a lovely deep shade of shimmery cobalt. Objectively they look great. Personally, I continually waffle between loving them and hating them. Also, I can’t shake the feeling that I should be hanging my bangs in my eyes and writing angsty poetry in my room.
Or change my name to Effie.
JessBee
Bahaha! Effie…
They sound lovely to me. I hope you settle on love! :)
Kanye East
If you opt for bad teen angst poetry, please come back and share it.
Lorelai the Third
[TJ for working moms]
Tips on morning routines when you have a three-month old? I have a three-month old in daycare and my partner and I both work (we leave around the same time in the morning). So far we’re just muddling through it every day (this morning ending with a half-packed lunch because of a screaming/tired baby). I’m nursing, so there’s bottles to prepare, lunches to pack, a baby to get dressed (and keep occupied?!), and both of us have to get ready for work, too. Hive wisdom greatly appreciated.
Anon
I don’t have children yet, but I pack our lunches the night before, and I imagine that preparing bottles the night before would also be the way to go.
Midwest
I’ve been there, too. The bad news: It is not easy and isn’t likely to get a whole lot easier until baby is around a year old and isn’t taking bottles anymore. The good news: The morning routine WILL get better someday, I promise.
Here’s what worked for me:
– Packing the daycare bag and as much as humanly possible the night before. Put the bags by the door so you can grab them on the way out.
– For awhile, I resigned myself to eating a lot more fast food/carryout than usual. Packing a lunch for myself was just.one.more.thing. I just tried to eat lots of healthy snacks and a smaller dinner to offset the damage done during lunch.
– I packed a large daycare bag on Monday mornings with as many extra outfits, pacifiers, diapers, bottles, etc. as I thought he’d need during the week. Then I’d leave the bag at daycare, and the teachers were happy to store all the extra stuff until DS needed it. I’d sometimes have to bring extra stuff toward the end, but I saved myself from having to repack every day.
– I assume you’re pumping at work? Have you bought an extra set of pump parts so you have a clean set ready to go while the other is being washed/dried? It helps, somewhat.
– Maybe this goes without saying, but it was a problem for us: You’re the one feeding the baby, but that doesn’t mean your DH should be sleeping in while you’re doing the feeding. He should be using that time to get ready so he can entertain the baby while you get dressed and ready. Also, get him involved in packing the gear the night before; this is not your responsibility alone.
ANP
Ohhhhh I feel you! I’m pregnant with #2 but have been thinking about mornings with #1 a lot. Very challenging, especially when breastfeeding.
My biggest tip is to get as much as possible done the night before: pack your lunch and work bags, shower before bed, get kid stuff prepped and lay out your outfit and accessories before you hit the sack. I would do this and it would reduce my morning-routine time somewhat. I’d get up, shower, feed the kiddo, get dressed, eat, out the door.
Another thing is to free yourself from doing other stuff in the morning. I don’t know about you, but I like to leave a tidy house behind — run the dishwasher (or unload it from the night before), take out the garbage, make the bed, etc. When DD was really little, I simply had to let go of the idea that these chores were possible in the morning. By the same token, going to bed earlier at night makes the a.m. less bearable — and I learned to live with the fact that the laundry would just have to wait another day.
If your son or daughter needs to be occupied once s/he wakes up, what about a swing or a vibrating/bouncy chair? Play mat?
Finally, something my husband and I did (and still do, and our daughter is 2-1/2) is agree that whoever does daycare drop-off does NOT have to get DD ready in the morning. We often alternate drop-off and pickup depending on our individual work schedules for the week, although we typically leave the house at about the same time. So for example, I was doing drop-off this morning so he woke DD up and got her ready for me. It allows the person doing drop-off a little more personal time (and less stress) in his or her morning.
JJ
I have a four and half month old and I know exactly of what you speak. Right now, I prepare his bottles the night before and put them in the fridge with the little cooler sitting next to the fridge. I pump during the day at work, so when I get home I just transfer that milk to the bottles. If I’m going to bring a lunch to work the next day, I also get everything packed for that the night before so I can just grab and go. I keep fruit chopped up and in individual baggies so I can just grab that for breakfast in the morning and eat at my desk with a protein bar. I also load my car at night with my purse, tote bag, and day care/nanny bag (except for the bottles). Also agree to run the dishwasher, do dishes, tidy before you go to bed at night. It helps tremendously.
I get up when the baby gets up and nurse him. Then, I bring him downstairs and put him in his bouncer seat in our bedroom while my husband and I get ready. Right before I’m ready to leave, I change the baby’s diaper and clothes, load him into his carrier/car seat, grab the bottles and my food for the day, and I’m out the door.
I also keep flip flops in my car because it’s infinitely easier to carry the baby carrier/car seat and giant tote bag in flip flops than in 4 inch heels.
JJ
Also, I keep my pump at work M-F and just bring home a little cooler bag with the parts and pumped milk. That decreases what I have to cart back and forth during the week.
Divaliscious11
I did this with my first. Here are my tips –
Pack lunches at night
Prepare bottles etc.. at night (ie…set them out, not fill, unless you are using milk you’ve thawed in the fridge
Unless you pump with morning nurse (I did), pack up and pump/equip and set by door
Lay out clothes for everyone night before
pack baby bag night before (see a trend here?)
You can’t know what is going to happen in the am, so its best is as much pre-work can be done the night before.
Good luck….
Divaliscious11
Oh yes, and the bouncy chair … get one that fits in your bathroom.
Swing in the kitchen
SAB
The only thing I took to daycare daily was a cooler bag with bottles. His cubby stayed stocked with all the other stuff. We prepped bottles , packed lunches, picked out outfits, etc. the night before. Bouncy seats and other baby containment devices are your friend. Even if the baby fusses while you take a shower, screaming = breathing. I find it easier to get myself completely ready (all but dressed) before my son gets up for the day.
Go easy on yourself. You are still in survival mode. It will get smoother. You may have to eat out more or do meal prep on wknds if taking your lunch is important to you.
IA_Eng
I have an 18 month old and second what many of the ladies above have already said: give your permission to buy rather than bring a lunch, try to get ready as much as possible before the baby gets up, put the baby in a seat or playpen with some toys to occupy him/herself while you get ready.
Also, while it is helpful to do as much the night before as possible, doing so made me feel like I was always either working or getting ready to go back to work so I was able to flex my schedule to come in a bit later in the morning and stay later since my husband does daycare pick-up.
DC Kim
This helps immensely! I have a 2 month old and have muddled through for two weeks, usually forgetting something or running behind. This is simply not working. An endless series of lists to combat Mommy Brain also is not working – I keep forgetting that I made my lists!
Blonde Lawyer
No kids here but I am notoriously out of it in the morning and need to make my mornings as simplified as possible. Each weekend, I buy a weeks worth of food to keep at my office and then I don’t have to worry about eating breakfast or forgetting my lunch.
I usually buy a box of GF cereal, almond milk, a few cans of organic soup, lara bars, GF pretzels, a pack or two of tuna, a pack of ham slices, and a pre-made chic pea salad. With those basics I can make a few different lunches throughout the week.
I also have a farm stand right next to my office so I can grab fresh fruit and veggies each day to mix it up.
The more you can do in bulk, the easier your life is in general.
anon
I gave up on getting ready at home with the baby. I take him to daycare an hour early and go to the gym, have a brief workout and get ready there. I also have given up on feeding him before we leave and put him in the car while he’s still asleep and pack an extra bottle for daycare. My schedule is to wake up at 5:15, pump until 5:45, get dressed in gym clothes, put the baby’s food in the car, grab the baby, leave at 6:00 and arrive at daycare at 7:00. Generally the baby stays asleep until we get to daycare, but my husband knows that if the baby wakes up while I am pumping, it is his responsibility.
I agree with all the other posters who suggest packing baby clothes, your lunches, etc. in bulk for the week and packing bottles the night before. I also load everything nonperishable in the car the night before. We cloth diaper, so I have to pack diapers throughout the week, but everything else gets sent in on Monday.
Ada Doom Starkadder
I’m just impressed by how much you accomplish.
I don’t have kids and I can barely get myself out the door in the morning if I haven’t picked out my outfit the night before and packed my lunch the night before.
Can your partner take on the lunch-packing job? If you’re nursing, you’ve already got your hands tied to some degree.
As for the half-packed lunch– I shudder a bit at what my grandmother’s house must have been like when her 8 children were small. My eldest uncle tells me that in ye olden days, mothers were given the gift of selective deafness. While her two eldest children wrestled with each other, another tugged on her hem unheeded, while she was trying to change the baby. Or, conversely, she’d be untangling her wrestling older boys, and letting the baby scream for as long as it took for her to untangle her boys, and make the food, or wash the clothes by hand.
Just know that it must have been sheer bedlam then and that your morning routine, however chaotic, is still a lot more “together.”
emcsquared
No kids, but I second the recommendation to stock your office with lunch/snacks/toiletries etc. I keep cereal, soup, nuts, crackers (the nut crackers have protein), peanut butter and granola bars in my office – things that I will eat if I’m hungry, but I won’t just mindlessly snack on.
I also keep a toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, deoderant, band-aids, painkillers, allergy medicine, a blazer and shoes, and extra makeup at work, just in case something goes haywire in the morning (or I have to pull an all-nighter, but that’s a different story).
DH and I also have a set morning routine for handling dog daycare (I know, ridiculous) – I do the early morning walk and dog feeding, then hop in the shower and feed myself while he takes the dog to daycare. It’s still a bit stressful, but at least everything gets done and I don’t have to do it all.
Anon
I’ve got two kids under 5, both in daycare FT from the get-go. I won’t add to the good advice that’s been given, which I echo and which sounds like it boils down to do it ahead of time.
My advice is don’t be afraid to do things that make your life easier. Thus for nursing, I also left my pump at work and actually kept an old hand-me-down pump and a manual pump at home for those times I needed it then to reduce the amount of junk I was lugging around. With both my kids I supplemented/used formula and with my second purposefully started her on formula earlier than the first. It was a great relief to not have the pressure to pump (physically and psychologically) and I still nursed her 2-3x/day, depending on her sleeping. It made life so much easier to send formula in for school and nurse otherwise, and I regret not doing that with my first.
Other prep stuff–my kids have a veritable closet worth of stuff at school, and the teachers are pretty good at letting us know when we’re running short on extra clothes, sunscreen, etc. Embrace the period when food = baby food, because all you need to do is pop a few pouches/jars/etc. in the lunch bag. (Baby food is pretty good these days and if you shop around you can get healthy organic stuff for reasonable prices.) When they’re older and you’re in the purgatory of chopping up fruits and veggies every night (our own personal bane), make sure to have some frozen food, applesauce cups, etc. on hand for days when you are just gobsmacked and the prospect of prepping fresh fruits and veggies after such a day is way. too. much.
And for you: freals on the get take-out lunch. Or if you can, exist on leftovers. Whatever you can do to limit the things you need to do every night/morning. Accept that your clothes may be wrinkled. Lay out your stuff ahead of time if you can. Have breakfast foods ready to go. Even prep the coffee at night so you only have to push a button. If you can afford it, pick up your breakfast on your way in.
Get a jumperoo–my kids loved that thing and we’d park it in front of Sesame while we ran around getting ready. Good stuff. It was a sad day when they outgrew it. Also good: playpens, bouncy seats, swings, etc. Anything to give you time to get yourself together. And amen to SAB’s comment that screaming = breathing. Kids are pretty tough; they can cry for a while (or a long time, honestly) and be f-i-n-e. If you do a little sleep training your tolerance for hearing your kid howl goes up a lot, amirite?
Sorry to say it’s a tough haul and it feels like a long time before it gets better. Also sorry to report that for us, two kids meant 4x the work. I’m sure others were better/more organized. But it gets better. Really. And–paradoxically–it goes really fast.
Seventh Sister
Do as much as you can the night before or on the weekend. Lay out your clothes and the baby’s clothes the night before. Put the coffee in the coffee machine the night before. Breakfast bar = breakfast.
Consider showering at night (or at least washing your hair at night) instead of in the morning. This is the time for ponytails and buns if your hair is long. I used to lay the baby down on a towel on the bathroom floor with a few toys so I could shower.
If you don’t have enough bottles to make it through a day at daycare, buy another set. Or two. Or six. With my first, I convinced myself I was a VERY BAD MOTHER if I ever put the bottles in the dishwasher. Don’t do that. Bottles are fine in the dishwasher.
If you haven’t already done this, make your partner do some of the work, like packing lunches or watching the baby while you shower. Be specific, esp. if your partner is a guy (I love my husband, but he could concentrate on the news if both kids were driving lawnmowers through the living room a la Mad Men).
tika55
I have a 4.5 month old. I work from home, but my husband travels M-Thu and is usually not there to help. As others have said, I make her bottles at night. After baby falls asleep, I pour myself a small bottle ((HAHA, I meant glass…too good of a typo to fix) of wine, fire up my label maker and take care of the bottle chores. Then I put the used bottles, bottle parts, pump bottles and pump parts in the dishwasher. I have two sets of everything I need for a day (2 sets of the pump parts, 12+ pumping bottles and 8+ daycare bottles). I usually put her in fresh clothes at night after her bath and don’t change in the morning unless the clothes got dirty overnight.
Don’t know if it’s feasible for you, but I am pretty flexible in the mornings. I sleep until she wakes up (usually between 6 and 7). I feed her and then we play for a few minutes. She plays with her toys on the floor while I get ready. I usually try to time it so she is ready for her morning nap (1-1.5 hrs after waking up) when we drive to daycare.
Chellers
I’m so thankful for all these tips and am bookmarking this thread! My first child is due in 12 weeks and my husband works an early shift so I am going to be handling the mornings and daycare drop off by myself and am already nervous about getting myself to work with food and ideally a workout, while managing to drop a fully stocked baby off at daycare. It’s comforting to hear that others manage it with additional kids in the house!
Beauty for Dummies?
On one of last year’s threads, somebody made the comment that the difference between how she looked at 28 and 32 was shocking. Well, I second that. I’m turning 32 soon and am really unhappy with how I look. Like, I haven’t been this insecure about my face/body/clothes since I was a teenager.
In the past year, I’ve tried to pay closer attention to wearing better clothes, keeping my hair impeccably maintained, wear makeup, etc. I think I look pretty good when I leave the house. But pictures are another story. Shocking is a good word for it. I look stiff and uncomfortable. Tired. Every figure flaw is highlighted, even though I am actively trying to wear clothing that suits my body. I feel like my looks peaked at 28, and it’s been a steady decline ever since. Having a baby at 29 did not help that. The unfortunate reality is that losing all the baby weight does not mean you’ll get your figure back. :(
I’m getting to the point where I want to do the one thing women are never supposed to do: Give up! What’s the point of spending all this time and money on grooming if I just look like sh*t no matter how hard I try? I’m tired of trying hard. I know I’m supposed to want to wear pretty shoes and clothes for work and play, but the whole time I’m wishing I was in my jeans and t-shirt. As much as I *want* to be that pretty, polished girl, I feel much more like *me* in Athleta-type clothes, jeans, tees and — gasp — North Face hoodies. (Hey, I can afford them now! I couldn’t in college!) Is there even a place in fashion for women who are kinda sporty and cannot imagine having long hair, ever?
I don’t even know what I’m trying to say, other than wanting to know if anyone else can empathize. And seriously, how do I get over these stupid teenager-like insecurities and just enjoy who I am now?
anonynonynon
Here are my beauty maxims, from the junior side of 30:
* You’re at your prettiest when you feel your best.
* If the clothes that are supposed to be pretty don’t make you feel pretty, they’re not pretty.
* If you feel better in comfortable clothes, you’ll look better in those than in “pretty” clothes.
anonynonynon
PS – wearing comfortable clothes doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your appearance. You can still take care of your appearance in many ways, by eating food that is healthy, doing your best to rest and hydrate, and exercising when you can. Anyway, catering to your mental health and comfort in ways that make you comfortable in your own skin contributes to your appearance as well.
PPS – Athleta stuff is still cute.
Orig poster
Thanks for the reminder. I agree that eating healthy and exercising is important. And thanks for reaffirming that Athleta is cute. I think I’ve been reading too much Youlookfab, which sort of derides such clothing as “gear” and not meant to be seen in the grocery store.
anonynonynon
Eh, I think Youlookfab is stuck on a single mode of what it means to be ‘stylish.’ It’s best to try to make your outsides match your insides, not the other way around. In the end, the easiest way to maintain a coherent style is to let your interests and activities guide you, not your idea of what it means to be ‘fashionable’ — at twenty two, going to bars in five inch heels makes a lot of sense for your interests, but at thirty two, you’re probably more interested in wearing clothes that are right for bringing your kid to the park. Athleta sounds just about right for that to me.
new york associate
I know exactly how you feel. No tips, just commiseration. Signed, mid-thirties mother.
Susan
Taking this in a slightly different angle–
Are you sure you haven’t just trained yourself to “spot the flaw”? I actually think that if we were to ask the normal woman-on-the-street to look at your photos, I’d bet that she’d think you looked just fine. Not that you need the approval of others. It’s more that I think you might want to be kinder to yourself.
Because we each know our own faces and bodies down to the level of minutiae, it’s easy to pick at oneself and magnify what we think are our flaws, like, “oh dear, the pores on my nose are getting bigger,” rather than, “hey, I really do have nice eyes.”
It’s a much more enjoyable way to go through life, focusing on what good things we have, than on what we don’t have (and don’t have much control over.) I think if you’re kinder to yourself, you’ll look less uncomfortable, and that alone will make a big difference in future photos.
CKB
I didn’t start really paying attention to style, makeup, etc until after I had kids. Actually, when my youngest was about 2 I decided to finally lose all the baby weight, and when that started to happen I decided the new clothes I bought I wanted to be stylish, flattering, and made me feel good. So I started reading fashion how-to type blogs (you look fab, inside out style, etc) as well as daily outfit type blogs. My mom was not into hair/makeup/fashion, and I didn’t have a sister growing up, so I kind of felt like I was starting from scratch (although my mom did have my colors done when I was in jr high – she meant well, and tries to look nice, but fashion just isn’t very important to her).
Anyway, what I found key for me was learning to like my new shape. It’s true that after baby your body shape changes. Nobody warned me about that before having kids. My ribcage is finally back to what it used to be (youngest is almost 7). I’m lucky that one thing I did learn from my mom was to accept your body. I don’t remember my mom EVER saying anything negative about her body, and that was something that I really internalized (without realizing it until a couple of years ago). Dh also helped with this for me. He often compliments my curves and lets me know I’m sexy whatever size I am. He was supportive of my weight loss (which was 30 lbs) but let me know that I didn’t have to lose the weight for him, but knew it was important to me, so that’s why he was supportive.
I took up running to help lose the weight, and I find that the mornings I run I think I look thinner, younger, generally prettier than on the days I don’t run. And it’s not in a ‘wow I’m hot’ way, but more of a ‘I wonder if I’ve lost inches on my thighs?’ way. I know that my shape hasn’t changed (because I did measure my thighs and they were the same), but those wonderful exercise endorphins make me feel better about myself. I also think I feel better about myself because of what I accomplished in my workout. I try not to question it. I also like to believe that the way I see my body after a run is the truth and not the non-running body image I seem to have.
Finally, my last piece of advice is to make sure you are wearing flattering colors near your face. It makes such a huge difference. A couple of months ago I got a free gift with purchase from Clinique. There were 2 lipsticks in it. The first one I tried on I knew wasn’t my color, but I thought I’d try it anyway. It made me look at least 10 years older. Seriously! It was awful. So I gave it to my sister in law who looked fabulous and younger in that shade. It was quite amazing. The right colors for your skin tone is so important. Black makes me look tired & old, but green makes me look younger and well rested. I need to try & wear more green. If you are wearing the right colors you need less makeup, too.
Good luck! Oh, and I just turned 37 last month, fwiw.
IA_Eng
Wear what makes you feel good. To me being healthy, strong, and confident is more attractive that always being perfectly “done” – I think the women in the Athleta catalog look great!
And while I like to dress nicely for work, I rarely wear make-up since it’s not something I care about/feel like I need to do – if I’m slightly shiny or my undereye circles aren’t covered so be it. Like another poster said most of this stuff is much more noticeable to ourselves than to anyone else.
a.
You will look pretty when you’re taking care of yourself, wearing clothes that are comfortable and fit you well, and feel as though you’re representing yourself as the person you authentically are. If that person does not, right now, feel happy/pretty/awesome in nitpicky outfits and crap with ruffles on it, then don’t worry about it. Wear clothes that make you feel happy!
From two seconds looking at Athleta’s website, I think this shirt http://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=46760&vid=1&pid=130883 (liking the blue the best) would look absolutely smashing with the jeans of your choice, and a pair of flat sandals. Add an accessory or two (maybe a scarf? earrings?) if you’re feeling it, and bam, you’ve got an outfit no one with a soul would sneer at.
Blonde Lawyer
Any chance your hormones are out of whack? Are you on a new birth control? When I’m PMS’ing I get very down on my looks and only see flaws. It is totally out of my regular character so I catch when I’m doing it. I’ve also done it on a birth control that didn’t agree with me. Just a thought.
Orig poster
Hadn’t thought about that, but you might be onto something.
emcsquared
Yup – I have 2-3 days each month of “I look like crap.” Wear the same outfit a week later, and it’s awesome. And it’s all body image for me; during those 2-3 days, I feel like a whale even though I’m exactly the same weight I was earlier in the week.
Plus, if you think you look bad in pictures – maybe don’t let that person take pictures of you anymore. My father takes pictures that make me look awful (seriously, seriously bad) but one of my best friends somehow always catches an awesome angle that makes me look great.
B.
I am way, way past your age….voice of experience here! If you look tired, you probably are tired, or even just feeling a little down. Fatigue makes you look older. Extra rest or some fun relaxing activity can help with that. You may think you need more makeup than you used to, but too much foundation can emphasize the flaws you want to minimize, and you may look better with a different formulation than you were used to. And if short hair and sporty clothes are “you”, then enjoy them.
OC Lawyer
I don’t have kids, but I am significantly older than you are (46 this week). I have felt, and I believe looked, better in the last 5-ish years than ever before, but I don’t think it is because of “beauty” routines. I think it is all about regular exercise, routine good eating habits (food, not too much, mostly plants a la Michael Pollan), enough sleep. Actually, in the last few years, my hair/makeup/wardrobe routines have simplified and have shifted toward maintainence (regular cut and color) and away from the newest makeup products.
At the very least, if you are in shape you will feel better and live longer, no matter what effect it has on your appearance.
Good luck!
PS: Do you read More magazine? I really like it and you might find some interesting stories in there to inspire you.
Two cents
I 100% agree with this. I am 33 now and look better than I did ten years ago due to diet and exercise and wearing flattering clothing. So please don’t feel like you need to give up just because you are getting older. 31/32 is so young!
A few thoughts that haven’t been mentioned –
1) Skincare becomes increasingly important as you get older. I really like the Paula’s Choice products. Make sure that you wear a SPF moisturizer every single day.
2) Have you thought about hiring a personal stylist? Or just even sign up with a free stylist at Nordstrom and have her give you some constructive feedback on your outfits. Sometimes we get into a rut with our clothes and wear the same stuff over and over again, without realizing that there is clothing out there that is far more flattering.
3) Figure out your body shape and dress for that shape. Look at Imogen’s blog (Inside Out Style or something like that). She has a fantastic tutorial on different body types and how to dress for that type. I look sooo much better once I figured out that I’m an hourglass/pear shape.
MaggieLizer
A lot of great advice here already, but I just wanted to add that it might be time to switch up your skin care and make up if you haven’t updated it for a while. Skin changes over time and the products that used to be great might not be the best for you anymore. Get thee to a Nordie’s/Sephora/whatever for a consult. A lot of commenters here have recommended Paula’s Choice for skin care, which for me at least was a lot cheaper and better than what I was using before.
You look mah-velous
You sound like you’re being way too hard on yourself. You don’t have to wear dresses all the time to feel “pretty.” I don’t have kids, but at 38 I certainly don’t have the same figure I had at 28 either. I also am a lot happier now though–I have a wonderful husband, have advanced quite a bit in my career and finance since then, and have a much better appreciation for friendships and knowledge of people in general. I try to focus on a lot of those positives when the insecurities start to creep in.
But since you’re talking physical here, these are the other must-dos that I’d add to eating well, staying active, and getting sleep:
* Wear clothes that fit well Doesn’t matter if it’s jeans or a dress. Pay attention that it’s not too loose or tight. Accept that your shape may have undergone some changes and review what looks best. And honestly give new things a try. I’ve found that I look way better in wrap dresses than I used to. But I wouldn’t have known if I didn’t get out occasionally and try things on that were out of my comfort zone. This is also a good way to ensure you’re not a 70 year old still wearing colored skinny jeans some day… :)
* Get your makeup done by a pro. Whether you wear a lot of makeup or very little , it still should look flattering and meet your skin’s needs (which change over time). I had someone at Bobbi Brown show me a few tricks and my skin has never looked so even. Wish I had made the move to a liquid foundation and light brow shadow years ago.
* Focus on a few signature pieces for polish. Even though I’m a jeans and tee girl, I also like to wear a nice watch, structured bag, and classy shoes. I also invest a lot in my sunglasses (and eyeglasses for when I’m not wearing contacts). The small things like that make me feel pulled together even when I’m wearing my comfies when running errands and what not.
* Get fitted for a bra. Weight fluctuations and age really can change what looks good and the amount of support needed. I instantly feel about 10 pounds less when I’m wearing a good bra.
anonahol
oh jeez, I’m only 26 and I already see such a difference between now and college pics…
What I’ve done to feel better is this: stop trying to make things work that don’t work anymore. I am no longer a size 2, so I just got rid of all that stuff so I don’t have it staring at me in the closet, giving me the evil eye like, “You used to be able to wear me! and you looked hot! Now you’re on your way to becoming an old maid! muahahaha!”
I then went out and bought a whole new size 8/10 wardrobe and lots of fun accessories. I feel a lot better dressed in clothes that fit me & my life now. Accessories (at least for me) always help me feel pretty.
PollyD
I guess that’s one good thing about being in college in the 1980s. I look MUCH better now at nearly 45 than I did in my 20s. Spiral perms, anyone? First-generation leggings and giant baggy sweaters? No idea how to manage my eyebrows?
Yep, my 45-year-old self would totally smoke my 21-year-old self.
Kanye East
You sound like you need some hugs, so HUGS. Everyone else has already given great advice.
All I can add is TREAT YO’ SELF!
TK1
What is wrong with jeans and a t-shirt. If that is what you want to wear, go and wear it!!! Go out and buy a nice pair of “grown-up” jeans not found in the juniors sections that fit you perfectly – whether they are a size 2, 12 or 24 its just a number (and you’ll be a different size in a different pair anyway). Whatever style that YOU love, skinny, bootcut, flared — but NO mom jeans. Then get a nice fitted black or white t shirt and some funky sandals, wedges etc. whatever you like. You will look and feel totally sexy!
Jeans & a tshirt or Athleta clothes etc. don’t mean you’ve given up, that is what your style is. Not everyone loves to wear dresses. Some women love it and feel sexy. Some women love casual and feel sexy. Do what you love, not what you think you are supposed to do.
FYI I am 36 and have felt sexier every year since 25!
Orig poster
Thanks for responding, all. I really appreciate it.
And now, for a technical question: What are we defining as mom jeans? Because I read somewhere recently that bootcuts are the new mom jeans. Please say it ain’t so?
Herbie
Oh, jeez, I hope not. I think I posted a few months ago asking the same question about flare-leg jeans. I see lots of skinny jeans these days, but… I don’t care how unfashionable it makes me, I just. can’t. do. it. I figure I’m better off in flare/bootleg than looking like two [cobalt blue, bright green, white – insert color here] upside down chicken drumsticks trotting around in denim.
Orig poster
I’ll wear skinnies with tall boots just because I love the look, but I’m not under the illusion that it does anything flattering for my figure. I cannot wait for skinny jeans to go away; they really don’t look good on everyone!
TK1
To me mom jeans are the high waisted, baggy leg, tapered ankle jeans. Or the totally straight ones that give you no figure. If bootcuts are mom jeans then I’m guilty of wearing them
Herbie
Bootcuts aren’t tapered at the ankle! Yaaaay, not mom jeans!
Someone needs to do a flow chart called “MOM JEANS or NOT MOM JEANS?” Sort of like the one I’ve seen about “Are You Wearing Pants?”
Herbie
Wait, wait, wait. Aren’t we all forgetting about the definitive reference for Mom Jeans? http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/mom-jeans/229048/
Legally Brunette
I am hosting a baby shower for a dear friend who does not want to play the traditional baby shower games. Any ideas on what fun things to do at a shower in lieu of games? We’re planningto play a non-baby game that is a quiz about the mom to be. Other thoughts?
Cat
how well does the group know each other already?
Legally Brunette
Not well at all. This will be a group of 15 women from different stages of the mom’s life – high school, college, law school friends, co-workers, etc.
Midwest
Eat, drink and enjoy each other’s company?
ANP
Would the guests like arts and crafts? I just saw a great idea on Pinterest — have fabric paint and white onesies out, and each person can decorate a piece of clothing for the new baby. Even if you’re not artsy, you can write a funny quote or advice or message on the onesie.
PollyD
Had this at the last baby shower I went to. I didn’t know many of the attendees and am not crafty in the least, but it was very fun and a bit of an ice-breaker to mess around with the paints.
One baby game that isn’t TOO baby could be where you have to match the baby’s name with its celebrity mother. I like that one because even non-parents can enjoy it. But I’m also weird because at another shower, I enjoyed participating in the game where you taste the jarred baby food and try to guess what it is. That stuff is bizarre!
KLG
I really like the suggestion of “match the baby to the celebrity mom.” While I have full on baby fever these days, I attended a number of showers for friends when I was not that into babies and would have loved this game.
NOLA
I just read about a game for bridal showers where everyone writes down who their celebrity spouse would be and the bride-to-be has to guess who wrote it. That sounds like a fun game for a mixed gender group. Not too weird?
JJ
I had this at a baby shower a bunch of friends threw for me earlier this year. I think the guests really enjoyed it, and I had a blast laughing at all the onesies that they created.
b23
It’s also fun with diapers so the mom has something funny to read in the middle of the night or on no sleep, etc. People write some really funny things on them, and I’ve had moms tell me how much they enjoyed them in the months after the baby was born. Plus, it’s cheaper than buying that many onesies, but you get the same idea.
MaggieLizer
That’s super cute. Pottery painting might be fun too. I went to a place a few months ago that hosted bridal and baby showers. They had a few group project type things; my favorite was a mirror surrounded by tiles for each guest to paint.
Anon
I went to a shower like this where the host bought a child’s tea set and each guest painted a piece of the set. It is cute now to see pictures of the little girl having “birthday tea” with her handmade tea set! Not sure what the equivalent would be for a boy baby though….
Godzilla
Maybe painting wooden blocks?
Kanye East
Sorry, ANP, but the words “I just saw a great idea on Pinterest” made me cringe. No reflection on you, though.
(It’s actually a cute idea.)
SugarMagnolia
I would assign one or two close friends to be in charge of mingling and introducing people to each other.
Alternatively, you could have a little “Friendship Cheat Sheet” on each table that shows the connections to the guest of honor and the various guest groups.
I went to a shower where those connections were done via a really clever “six degrees of separation chart” that did a funny job of showing that my friend’s baby was connected to the President of the United States in about 20 different ways. :)
3L
Ok, so this is probably a “traditional game” but I just saw it for the first time, and it is not cheesy at all, or embarassing (i.e. guess how big the belly is type games).
We had bingo boards with different baby items on it, and every time the mom-to-be unwrapped a gift with something on our board we could mark it. Prizes were given for the first few bingos. Kept everyone entertained during gift opening!
Another idea woud be to put some sort of list of questions on tables so everyone can get to know each other since it sounds like they won’t already.
Research, Not Law
I *love* shower bingo, because the gift openings are so boring to me. They really do keep people involved and, in my experience, are a success with the “we don’t play games” crowed. I like it when there are prizes for first bingo, most spaces filled at the end, and least spaces filled at the end.
If people don’t know each other, you could do mixers with a baby twist. For example, there’s the game when you tape a name to everyone’s back as they arrive and they have to ask other guests’ yes/no questions to figure out who it is. The names could be famous mothers, like Marge Simpson, Mother Theresa, Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe.
I went to a baby shower when they played basically “who wants to be a millionaire” where the mom-to-be was asked questions and had three lifelines: Asking one person, polling the guests, and… I think a phone call to her husband? Anyway, “audience” interaction made it more fun than just asking her questions.
zora
Played an awesome game at a shower for a work friend once where there were printouts of famous people and their baby pictures, and we were broken up in small groups and had to match up the famous people with their baby/child pictures. Our game was activist/politics themed because of the attendees (MLK, Gandhi, Lenin, Marx, Emma Goldman, etc) but you could do any theme that might be fun to the attendees. And it was actually harder than you’d think, and it was really fun. Plus, being in a small group was a great way to get to some people i didn’t know.
b23
MLK and Gandhi came to the shower????
:)
zora
Um, yes, they did! It was a wonderful seance/baby shower…. not creepy at all….
ugh, that’s what i get for posting in bed pre-shower AND coffee :oP
Legally Brunette
These are all wonderful ideas, thank you! Keep them coming.
DC Kim
At my shower we had only two games – first was the Price is Right with baby items; DH and I were the contestants. The prices were for things you don’t shop/register for – diaper cream, diapers, etc. There was also a trivia game for everyone about babies, like how many bones does a newborn have, name two celebrity babies who have the word Blue in their name. I loved both games, as they didn’t involve diapers and chocolate, and it didn’t turn off those who didn’t have kids.
DC Kim
By don’t shop for in the Price is Right, I meant it was our first baby, so the items were things you don’t think to buy until after you have a baby, so you wouldn’t know the price.
Senior Attorney
This is a great icebreaker for a crowd of people who don’t know each other very well: As each guest comes in, put a name tag on her BACK, with the name of a famous person/fictional/historical character. Since it’s a baby shower, you could use baby-related characters, maybe from children’s literature or child actors or whatever. The object of the game is to ask “yes or no” questions of the other attendees until you figure out “who you are.” And the rule is you can only ask three questions of one person before you have to move on and ask a question of somebody else. Once you figure it out, move the name tag from your back to your front.
KSW
The guests at my baby shower created a scrapbook for me. The hostess made a list of ideas for the pages and each guest picked one and decorated a page according to that theme (ex. bath time, first birthday, mommy & me, etc.) using a blank scrapbook page plus letters, baby decorations, and other scrapbook stuff the hostess provided. Then after the shower the hostess combined all of the pages into a scrapbook for me. I didn’t want games at my shower either and loved the scrapbook idea because it gave me a keepsake from the shower. One of the pages had a little envelope on it, and the hostess had everyone fill out two cards: one with a piece of advice for me and the other had pre-filled categories on it which the guests had to complete such as guessing the baby’s name, birth date, weight, etc. That was fun for me to read afterwards as well.
buffybot
Just a brief anonymous shout-out — thank you to the woman who quietly mentioned to me in the elevator that I had a lovely gaping hole in the back of my skirt; thank you to my secretary for having a sewing kit in her desk; and thank you to my mother for teaching me the very basics of home ec. No more inappropriate flashing! (Also, if ever there were an argument for full coverage underthings, well….)
Samantha
Good save!
Equity's Darling
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/fashion-and-beauty/fashion/can-i-wear-very-short-shorts-to-the-office/article4391416/
I want to forward this article to several of the assistants in my office.
Stampede does not make daisy dukes acceptable office attire. I know this week is a giant party, but come on.
I can’t wait to see what sort of outfits show up for our office Stampede party. Sigh.
TCFKAG
Is Stampede the reason that Wills and Kate were dressed up in cowboy gear last year when they visited Canada? I had always wondered about that? (Oh..and I totally had to google that of course…you strange Canadians with your ways. ;-P)
Equity's Darling
Yes, that’s why the royals had on Western wear when they came to visit last year- I promise, we usually dress like regular professionals, but this week is just a free-for-all.
cfm
what’s stampede?
TCFKAG
It appears to be a giant rodeo in Calgary. Who knew?
Equity's Darling
It’s a giant rodeo/week-long party, in Calgary.
CKB
It’s an excuse for those who want to dress slutty to do so because Halloween is too cold for that type of dressing here. ;) And it’s a big party with lots of pancake breakfasts. And you can eat lost of food on a stick and deep fried anything (I want to try the deep fried wagon wheels this year). And even the police officers wear cowboy hats (at least downtown they do). And there’s a midway with lots of rides. Oh, and I think there’s a rodeo too.
CDN Guest
And the South-Asian people working at the airport, they also wear cowboy hats.
I have never seen slutty done sluttier than Calgary Stampede goers out to score “cowboys.”
CKB
Yes, my dh told me the other day that lots of ‘working girls’ are in the city during Stampede, and the busiest month for divorce lawyers in Calgary is the month immediately following the Stampede. Not sure if it’s true (he gets all kinds of random facts from websites he reads and they are mostly reliable). It’s sad if it is true, imo.
For us we take the kids, play some games, ride some rides, eat really unhealthy food (yum), catch a few of the free shows (yay Superdogs) and just have fun. We stay away from the rodeo (tickets are too expensive) and the bars (not our scene anyway).
Mouse
Oh that’s awesome. Because yes, when I think of the Calgary Stampede, I think of the Dukes of Hazard! I’d expect this from visitors, but it’s kind of sad that locals would dress like this to the office (bars and non-work parties would be different).
That sounds like a lot of fun, though – I wish my city had a ‘dress like a cowboy’ day!
TO lawyer
You are making me nostalgic. While I completely agree that short shorts are never work-appropriate, I miss the Stampede! I’m Calgary born and raised and may need to make a trip down next summer specifically for the Stampede.
NYNY
But… the article tells them to wear maxi dresses with “bare shoulders and back” to the office instead!
Equity's Darling
It would be preferable to the current state of affairs. Trust me.
Regular but anon for this
Threadjack!
What are some great international places to travel to in August?
DH and I are due for a major vacation, for his post-bar trip and our overdue honeymoon. Idealy, we would want to go to Vietnam and Thailand, or Greece, but i think those places are too hot or too touristy during August. Any ideas?
TCFKAG
Are you married to the beach? A couple Augusts ago I went on a tour of the Pacific Northwest that was lovely (think Seattle, Vancouver, and Vancouver Island, plus some of the wilderness around Vancouver.)
You could also do Belgium, Netherlands, etc, which has beaches that can be quite lovely in August — but not as hot as southern Europe.
Another option is to research some of the Lakes of Europe, Lago Como or Lago Maggiore in Northern Italy are both beautiful and Lake Balaton in Hungary is actually beautiful (and would be quite cheaper). I’m sure there are lots of other fun lakes that would be cooler up in the mountains and you could tour a few of them.
AT
I traveled in Viet Nam, Cambodia, and Thailand in August and September a few years back, and while it was terribly hot at times, if you’re at the beach or on the water (sailing in Halong Bay for example), it’s enjoyable. Trekking around the temples and ruins at Angor Wat was fairly miserable. Still totally worth it, but uncomfortable. And yes, there were lots of tourists, but I didn’t feel like there were hordes. I think Greece would probably be more crowded.
Another place to consider might be the Balkans, in particular Croatia. It will be hot, and it’s becoming more popular, but it’s absolutely gorgeous and you can get culture, outdoor activities, beaches, relaxation… whatever you want. I know several people who have done weeklong sailing or catamaran or other boat trips there and it’s on my short list of things to do after hearing about their experiences.
Finally, while the Netherlands is a lovely country, we’ve had a pretty unpleasant summer here — coldish, rainy, and overcast/gloomy more days than not. There have been a few days or an odd week here or there with good weather, but it’s not at all consistent. However, if you like biking or wandering through old town squares and seeing lots of churches and great museums, and breaking for coffee or beer at little cafes and bars, you would have fun even if the weather is foul.
KLG
I can’t comment on the heat in Vietnam, Thailand, or Greece, but what about Australia, New Zealand and/or South America somewhere? I have yet to make it to South America but both Australiz and New Zealand have been gorgeous but cool August breaks from the DC/VA heat and humidity.
Bonnie
Argentina!
A
Balkins!
ss
Nordic countries are gorgeous in summer, not swampily hot but lots of sunshine and seemingly populated by cheery sporty apple-cheeked locals. Copenhagen is a great mid-sized city to explore, if you have any interest at all in mid-century design.
But don’t rule out Vietnam and Thailand – they are pretty much hot and tropical all year round with the northern bits getting a couple of degrees cooler at year-end. And Thailand certainly has a sufficiently well-developed tourist industry that they are readily absorbed into the flow in Bangkok or can find their level of crowd in a resort.
Regular but anon for this
wow, all great ideas! i knew our well-traveled ‘rette community would know of great places. please keep them coming!
Khar
Iceland!
r
Yes! Iceland. Not sure where you are, but if you are in the northeast, it is a pretty quick trip to Iceland. BF and I went for a long weekend back in April, and it was an awesome trip. Very easy to get around and it is gorgeous. It was cold when we went, but it should be warm-ish in August and it will be light 24 hours!
TCFKAG
I love Iceland. If anyone goes there, they should make time to hit the Westman Islands. They’re beautiful and awesome and were my favorite part of the whole trip.
Banker
Thirding Iceland! It’s a fabulous place to visit and like nowhere else I’ve ever been.
soulfusion
another vote for Iceland – expect some rain and cooler temps in August (I went several years ago the last week of August) and not quite 24-hours of daylight but a welcome relief from other muggy August vacation spots (and NYC). We rented a car and road tripped around the ring road and stumbled into some of the most enchanting, beautiful places I’ve ever seen. I cannot recommend Iceland enough!
MJ
4th Iceland. Anywhere in Northern Europe would be good–Scandinavia, St. Petersburg, Netherlands. I just got back from Poland a few months ago, and Krakow was amazing!
Two cents
We absolutely loved Turkey, but we went in October when it was far more cool. August will likely be quite hot, but Istanbul is such a fantastic city that I can’t recommend it enough.
Famke
Check out Sabah, part of Malaysian Borneo. My husband and I went there more or less on a lark and it’s beautiful and very varied: We climbed a mountain, went on some amazing wild-life tours, and spent some time at the beach (there’s also a place where you can do amazing scuba-diving but we ran out of time). It’s not as cheap as some other parts of Asia, but that has the advantage that the place isn’t overrun with backpackers. We booked flights to HK and separately bought Air Asia flights between HK and Kota Kinabalu — the flights ended up being very reasonable and it was nice to spend some time in HK as well.
You may also want to consider South America. It will be cold in some regions (definitely not the right time to go to Patagonia) but I traveled in the northern part of Argentina and the Bolivian highlands in June and thought the weather was fine, although you’d definitely want to bring warm clothes. I haven’t traveled in Brazil but think it may be a great time of the year to go there.
JessBee
Southern hemisphere? I can’t speak from personal experience, but it’s winter there, no? Australia, maybe?
ahm
We are honeymooning in Greece in August. We expect it to be very hot (although less so in the islands where we plan to spend most of our time), but I think it will be considerably less crowded than normal due to the economy. I heard tourism is down 15-20%.
anon
Namibia!
AN
Went to the UK once in august and enjoyed a perfect English summer. May not be such a good idea this year though with the olympics.
Spot's mom
Looking for K in Transition..
Does your new pup still need toys? Mine clearly has his favorites, and now that I’ve learned his preferences, I’d be glad to let your pup give them a try. If you want, email me at ksh95 at EarthLink dot net
LR
Ack, I missed this good news and can’t find it by searching google. Can someone recap?
VA trip
Hi ladies, I know we had a similar thread on places to visit in VA before, but could any of YouTube specific recommendations on places to go and affordable places to stay? We are looking to go for 4 days to just relax, do a bit of shopping and site seeing. No specific location in mind yet but we’re driving from NYC. Thank you in advance!
AT
Charlottesville! The town has a great laid-back, chill atmosphere in the summer. There is live music on Fridays downtown at Fridays After Five, frequent concerts, tons of amazing restaurants, cute boutiques and all of the standard stores, a million wineries (you can book cabs/limos etc. to take you on tours of a bunch), spas/golf/etc., the University grounds, the estates of Jefferson and some other American notables, nearby hiking, river tubing, etc., and if you’re a history buff, plenty of Civil War stuff nearby.
There is a full range of accommodation available, and you should be able to find some good deals since it’s summer. I’ve had good experiences with the South Street Inn (small hotel/guesthouse) near the downtown mall. If you want a bigger hotel, I think the Omni is pretty much the only game in town. There are also plenty of motels/lower-end hotels, and hotels dot com or booking dot com should be able to help you out with finding a good deal.
Batgirl
I second Charlottesville–great vineyards in the area!
Ellen
When I lived in DC, we used to go to VA alot, b/c it was JUST across the river. VA was alot of fun!
I found out today why the MANAGEING Partner did NOT get back on Friday. It was b/c he was attendeing a fund raiser for Mit Rommey. OMG, I did NOT even know he was so politeical, but evedentieally he is.
But I could have SWARE he told me to vote for O’Bama. Personally, I ignorred him, b/c I do not even VOTE at all. Fooey on politeical issue’s. DOUBLE FOOEY if I have to pay more taxe’s.
I have my Depo at 2, so I have to show the question’s now to the Manageing Partner.
KLG
This is by no means a comprehensive listing of hotels or B&B’s in the area but if you’re hitting up Charlottesville, here’s a link to various accommodations. I highly recommend trying to find a B&B in the area if you’re going the affordable route.
http://www.virginia.edu/placestostay/arealodging.html
January
Third Charlottesville! There is almost everything you could want to do there (as long as you were not looking for a beach or to go sailing). If you want more specific recommendations, you may have to give us more specific parameters. Asking for places to go and places to stay in Virginia without anything more specific is kind of like asking for places to go and places to stay in all of New York – it’s just a big and somewhat varied state. :)
a.
Fourthed, if that wasn’t obvious! My standard recommendation for Charlottesville lodging in the Clifton Inn if you want something B&B-y. For a more upscale hotel, like AT said, the Omni’s just about it–and you can’t beat its location, since it anchors one end of our lovely Downtown Mall, which is where most of the good strollin’, eatin’, shoppin’, and drinkin’ is located.
eek
I’ve stayed at the Omni for a quick getaway and the location can’t be beat. You can walk to everything, which is great because there is a lot of eating and drinking to be done in C’ville.
Bean
2nd Omni for in-town walking location. If you don’t mind driving and want a more resort-y experience, the Boars Head Inn is great!
rosie
This isn’t a personal rec, but something we are considering–there is a Google offer right now for a b&b in Amherst, VA, that has excellent reviews on trip advisor. (The offer is something like $250 for 2 nights, wine tasting, massage, and maybe a few other things; not sure if you could combine for 4 nights.) We are considering it ourselves, so I have been looking into it. It looks like there are good opportunities for site seeing (Monticello), wine-tasting, and hiking.
a.
Meh. If you’re coming to Central Virginia (and you totally should, it’s the best place ever) I would not recommend Amherst. There’s nothing in the town of Amherst itself (except for a small women’s college, granted with a beautiful campus), and not a lot more in Lynchburg, the nearest decent-sized city. Monticello, for example, is over an hour away–worth the drive, for sure, but if you’ve only got four days why on earth wouldn’t you just stay in Charlottesville to begin with? Charlottesville also has more vineyards and easier access to the Skyline Drive an attendant hiking.
Not, however, that I would ever, ever be biased towards Charlottesville ;)
rosie
That’s a great tip, thanks. My SO is pretty enthusiastic about this deal, but I will try to steer him away from it now. I was also hesitant because it’s 3.5 hours from where we live (MD suburbs of DC), and that’s a long drive for 2 nights (plus the driving to do sightseeing), which is all we would be doing, I know the OP said 4. I am sure we can find somewhere nice in Charlottesville.
CountC
I whatever number recommend Charlottesville. I love it there and am trying to figure out how I can retire in that area.
Bean
Also recommend Williamsburg. Lots of history in the area and very relaxing to meander around!
Kontraktor
Where are everybody’s favorite places to get furniture? I need some ideas. Extra points for stores that are a bit more off the beaten path, as I feel I have already scoured the likes of Crate and Barrel, Macy’s, etc. But, success stories from those places are great too.
We need to replace living room furniture and I don’t want it to be a repeat of the bedroom set ordeal that took about 4 years to complete.
JessC
Not sure where you live, but if you’re willing to put in a little elbow-grease, you might look at a places that sell unfinished furniture. I live in Tampa and got my dresser from a store called Barewood Outlet. Looking through their catalog, the pieces tend to be pretty basic but you can really customize them (I picked out my own stain, stained it myself until I got the color saturation I wanted, and changed out the knobs on the drawers).
MaggieLizer
You can get great deals on fun and unique stuff at consignment shops and antique stores. A lot of them will keep an eye out for what you’re looking for if they don’t have it in stock. Ethan Allen threw in an hour or two of interior decorating when I bought my bedroom set, but that was years ago so I’m not sure if they still do that. Z Gallerie is really fabulous and sometimes has really good sales; I’ve used it mostly for accent pieces though because even on sale it’s over my budget.
TCFKAG
My absolute favorite place in the whole world is Arhaus furniture (though it is, admittedly, expensive.) If you have one in your area, its at least worth a visit. The employee who helped us was amazing, helped us design our extremely oddly shaped living room, and we were able to get our whole living room completed at one store. Of course…we spent way more than intended…but hey…its really good quality.
MissJackson
+1. Love Arhaus.
MJ
My furniture is from Aarhaus too. It’s sturdy and has a lifetime warranty. I will be giving my grandkids some of this furniture, seriously. I also like Room and Board for some things too.
Eleanor
Antique malls, if you don’t mind used furniture. There are fancy, expensive antique stores, but there are plenty of antique stores that have old furniture for much cheaper. These tend to be of the anqitue mall variety. It’s hard to find a good selection of couches at such places, but there are plenty of nice looking end tables, coffee tables, tables of all varieties, chairs, benches, etc. Also smaller things, like lamps. In fact, the smaller it is, the easier it is to find. It’s the larger items I struggle with.
sas
Design within Reach is also great for a modern look if you have one close to you. .
NOLA
This place: http://www.furniturewithasoul.com/ is pretty cool for wood furniture. It’s hit or miss but there have been several pieces that I would have bought in a heartbeat if I’d had the space.
stl
Room and Board is great quality stuff, if a bit pricier than what you’ve cited.
Kontraktor
Yeah, we are sort of looking for mid-range furniture, maybe in the vague pricing schemes of $500ish for a coffee table, $1500-2000 for a couch, and $1000-2000ish for a media console table or some sort of shelving system. End tables and a pair of chairs we will probably do more on a discount price scheme (think, Home Goods, antique stores or consignment, etc). I have been to Aarhaus and know about Design W/In Reach and Room and Board but I think some of that stuff is just beyond our price range right now. But it is definitely great looking and good to know it is good quality in case we do decide to splurge!
TCFKAG
Well, if you splurge on one item, make it the couch and maybe the coffee table. They get the heaviest use (especially the couch). End tables, media consoles, etc. need to look good, but quality is less of an issue (they aren’t really exposed to much battering….unless your dog sits on your end table like mine does, but that’s another issue.) Creative media consoles can frequently be found at antique stores if you’re imaginative.
Chairs and end tables I’d check out craigslist as well, since those are the sort of thing you can fit in your car.
Kontraktor
Not bad advice. I am not sure if we are in super splurge mode for any one particular item, this just seems to be the price range for most of the mid-range stuff we are seeing as we browse. Re media center/console table- yeah, hard to say how sturdy ours would need to be. I think we would want it to be a bit more substantial because we do have many things to store in it and our cats jump all over it. Couch I would be a little reluctant to spend a huge huge amount on, just in case the cushions got flat over the years, the cats clawed at it a bit (I sure hope they wouldn’t though), or we eventually moved into a place for which the couch wasn’t right at all.
I’m not sure how into Craigslist/total thrifting we want to get for the rest of the stuff… our current furniture is a bit like that and I think we are looking to upgrade. But there are definitely gems on CL if you look hard enough so I wouldn’t rule it out!
Bean
+1!
Bean
For Room and Board. Not sure how I ended up down here.
Freyja
Also – consider North Carolina. If you buy from any major brand name (Stanley, Thomasville, Basset, etc.) shop for what you want locally, but buy from a store in NC. The discount is unreal. Even with shipping, we saves $000s over the years on our LR leather furniture, baby and kid furniture, dining set, etc.
Kontraktor
Do you have any stores you recommend? Love this idea.
Freyja
I think I used Furnitureland South each time. Essentially, look for something based in High Point, Asheville, etc. Boyles Discount Furniture is another one I got quotes from. I tried to find one with both a real web presence and an apparently large bricks-and-mortar operation. Some of them allow you to request quotes directly online, others I just called and asked for a sales person and had at my fingertips the specific brand, product line, item number, upholstery/finish name, etc. Savings were always 25-40% of local retail, even with a delivery charge. You just have to do the leg work to look locally first, and know specifically what you want. That said, since we’re soon moving into a new place, I am considering a buying trip to NC; I know some ladies do this and get everything in one fell swoop!
Kontraktor
Thank you for this x 10000s. I am browsing and I already found the EXACT coffee table we liked at Macy’s for 1/2 the price. Crazysauce. I am going to be stalking these websites now.
Cb
Have you been to Scandinavian Designs off of Hwy 4?
Homestar
I like AllModern, CB2 and Rubin’s.
Mary Ann Singleton
Have you tried the Alameda antiques fair? I’ve found some beautiful mid-century modern stuff there but they have all styles, and sometimes really high quality pieces for not much money. It’s the first Sunday of the month in Alameda (I think you’re in the Bay Area, right?). Also, it’s pretty fun to go to, but get there early.
Amy H.
Hi Kontraktor!
I like Fenton MacLaren in Berkeley for wood furniture (they have two locations — one each for finished and unfinished pieces).
CKB
Ok, I need some advice. I think I know what I need to do, but just want a little confirmation.
Last fall I got a very nice promotion which included a nice raise, but it was limited because I work for a very large corporation. Basically there are limits to the wage increases you can give an employee, so I was underpaid for the first few months in my position, but my manager told me she’d get me up to where I should be as soon as she could (another 10%).
February she came to my office & told me she’d got a 10% raise approved for me and it would be retroactive to Jan 1. Nice! However, it didn’t come through and didn’t come through. When I asked her she said she’d look into it. Finally I asked HR and they said this raise would mean I was ineligible for our mid year merit increase, which I was OK with. It still didn’t come through. I talked to my manager again & she said that her manager nixed the raise because it would make me ineligible for the merit, but that they’d try to put it through after the merit.
We got merit notices today & I got the 10%. Sounds like that’s all it will be. I’m happy overall, but disappointed that I had been expecting something else for 4 months. I wish she’d never told me a raise was coming back in Feb. It sounds like everything was nixed by my manager’s manager (who does not work in this location but I have met and I know he likes me). Dh is upset. He’s currently unemployed and handles the budget and money stresses him out. FTR we can live fine on my income before this last increase, we just don’t have any money for extras – when he is working his paycheque covers the fun extras. I think there was some pressure from above to keep costs under control which is why things didn’t happen like we wanted. I’m in accounting and there has been a 2 year hiring freeze on support staff.
I don’t like confrontation and often avoid it if it is unnecessary. Dh thinks I need to talk to my manager and let her know we’re disappointed. Yes I’m disappointed but thankful for what I did get.
FTR the job market in my area is quite healthy. If I wanted to I could probably have another similar position in the near future. Not that I want to leave my current company – I’m hoping for a 2-3 years overseas assignment sometime in the next 2 to 4 years. I like my work I like my manager and overall the company is good to work for as well. I’m generally satisfied with what I have, although I do have some ambition, and I think sometimes I’m satisfied because I want to avoid conflict, kwim?
So, what would you do?
anonahol
Did they make it retroactive at least? This sounds like a case of your (immediate) manager not really knowing what the protocol was. She shouldn’t have told you you were getting a raise until it went through (for real).
10% is still a decent promotion though- if you still like the company I wouldn’t leave because of this. However, it does seem to indicate a lot of red tape at the company, which could make any future plans you have there (including the overseas assignment) more difficult to achieve than at a smaller, more agile firm.
Samantha
I wouldnt want to make it a confrontation either, because then you have to know exactly you want out of her, and it doesn’t sound like you want anything (except maybe your DH wants her to acknowledge her messup? Which may be satisfying, but isn’t something you want to get into with a boss).
So I’d just talk to her in a casual but private setting – maybe ask her if she has time to go out to lunch as you’d like to discuss something. Or set a meeting time when she isn’t harried, and ask her what went wrong, why did mgr’s mgr nix it, is there any lesson you can learn from it, is there anything more you can get because you ARE disappointed it didn’t go through as promised and so on. With the aim not to find fault with her actions, but to constructively express your (you will presume shared) disappointment and discuss approaches if any to address it, or to deconstruct with a view to how it could have been done better the next time around. No pointing of fingers though.
Divaliscious11
That actually sounds normal, albeit unfair. If you get a promotion w/pay increase, you don’t get merit on top of it (I’ve argued merit is for past performance while increase is for future responsibility to no avail). At my company, retro-would be unheard of….
CKB
See, this is what I’m thinking. My manager never should have said anything. If she hadn’t I’d be thrilled at a 10% merit increase. And I know that there is alot of other stuff that goes on in big companies that she doesn’t have control over. I’m sure if she had her way I’d have had the 10% raise plus a 4 or 5% merit (she had to take a 3 month leave Nov-Jan because of a serious illness in her family and I & helped pick up the slack while she was gone while doing my own job as well and I know she appreciates it) but it was beyond her control.
I’ve been with this company for 2 years, and it is the first time dh or I have ever been exposed to an organization this large. For the most part it’s great, and it’s a company that does like to give its employees the chance to move around from position to position and from place to place if they want to, which I think is great. I think I’m just going to say nothing because I can’t see what it will accomplish.
anonahol
house-hunting question for the hive:
ignoring commute time for now, would you rather pay the same amount to
(a) live in a much further suburb, very little going on culturally, far from public transport, but good schools, nice area, etc and get 4+ beds, 2+ baths, 2500+ sq ft, new construction, all the land you could want…etc…
OR
(b) live very close to the city (<10 miles), on public transport, easy access to shops/dining/movies (walking distance for the most part) & all the culture of the city, still good schools & nice area and get 3 beds, 1.5 baths, <2000 sq ft, 1960s or older construction, and < 0.25 acre.
I don't know how I feel exactly, I'm just looking for opinions. Mr. anonahol is suddenly leaning towards option (b), even though he's the one who really wanted new construction and a giant yard. He isn't feeling so keen about the idea of having to get in the car and drive 20 min to do anything (which I agree, is a pain, but the price you pay for a nice suburb and big house).
Chicago
I vote for option B.
Banker
Far and away Option B. In addition to your pro’s, if your area is like mine, Option A’s resale prices are not as good, and commutes do play into it – it’s harder to switch jobs in the future if you’re tied to a far-out area.
MissJackson
Option B for me, too, and not even a close call.
But this is a personal choice. I do not want to have to get in the car and drive to do everything — when we were house hunting, I actually woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare about how horrible it would be to not be able to walk to get coffee on Saturday mornings. I really value being close to restaurants and shops, and having access to public transit. No sidewalks are a deal-breaker for me — there are suburbs that have business districts and sidewalks, but they are few and far between (and usually priced closer to city prices anyway). Also, I really hate yard work.
Anon
I also vote for option B. The fact that you have good schools in both options and it’s about a 500 square foot difference makes me lean heavily towards B. We’re pondering something similar (hoping to buy in the next year), but are struggling because for us, the “close to the city” option means less than half the space and poor public schools (we don’t have kids yet, so we’d end up moving in 6-7 years when our future kids will be school age).
Gail the Goldfish
Totally depends. I would go with option b, but I have no kids, no time for yardwork, and value access to restaurants/culture and a short commute. If I had kids, I might go for option a for more space/yard. Would you use the giant yard and extra space? How far of a commute would option a be, and would it mean spending signficantly less time with signficant other?
AIMS
B, no question!!!!!
But I live in a tiny and overpriced by national standards NYC apartment.
That said – if the difference is 500 sq. feet and one bedroom out four, I really don’t even see the debate (I occasionally see the debate when people live in lovely houses for what I pay/month in NYC suburbs). But you don’t spend most of your time just sitting at home and you shouldn’t want to spend all your time commuting, either. You don’t say what “much further” means, but let’s say that your commute is 45 min. each way, which is not even that unreasonable… that equals to 1.5 hrs/day, 7.5 hrs/wk (a full workday almost!), 30 hrs/month, 320+ hrs/year (counting 2 weeks vacation and all national holidays off). That is a lot of time you could be spending doing other things. I would go for b without reservation.
Anastasia
It’s hard for me to “ignore commute time for now” because commute kind of dictates the rest of your life in my area, and I imagine it is much the same in any large city.
That said, I would still go with B. I grew up in a big house with a big yard in the suburbs, and I now live in an urban apartment with around 1200 sqft. I *love* being able to walk to shopping/entertainiment and public transportation. I don’t need (or want; it’s just more to clean) more indoor living space, but I do miss having a yard. Choice B is a pretty good compromise, I think. If I didn’t need to get to the city for work, I would campaign hard for a house on a few acres in a more rural area, but a McMansion in the suburbs actually sounds like the worst of both worlds to me.
Kontraktor
I think it depends what your short and long term needs are. I think the biggest things to consider here are: are you going to have kids any time soon and how long do you want to hold the house for. I think if you are hoping to have this be your ‘forever home’ that you can grow into over 20 years with 3 kids and a dog and not need to put much work into now, you should probably take the suburban property. However, if you guys don’t want kids or might need to leave the city in a few years and rent the property, the urban one might be better for your lifestyle. I would say, however, that you should think hard about resale value and rennovation costs. An older, urban home might end up being a money pit, and depending on the area, you might end up in a place where you have to be careful about upgrading so you don’t overdo it. Similarly, a lot of urban areas have been hard hit by the economy so you might not get huge value increases in an urban property in a shorter amount of time (whereas I feel there may be a more stable market for suburban homes because there are always going to be families who want good schools and grassy lawns for their kids).
Finally, I’ve lived in both suburban and more urban areas and honestly, I feel the drive time to places isn’t that bad. Yeah, I guess it’s nice to be able to walk to get a cup of coffee, but to me, that’s not necessarily a deal breaker. Urban living also comes with other prices to pay (possibly bad/inconvenient parking, reduced safety, access to coffee shops and bars but maybe not to grocery stores or Target, etc.), so you’ll have to end up driving around from there as well.
Eleanor
Yeah, but depending on the developer a new house can be an unexpected, and really unpleasant, money pit after a very few years also. Additionally, in this recession it’s actually many of the new construction, far-flung suburbs that have been hit hard by the housing bust.
I admit I’m biased, because I greatly prefer Option B for myself, but it’s something to think about.
Kontraktor
I definitely agree with this- new construction does not obligatorily equal problem free, but sometimes I think people underestimate the labor and money pit it can be to upgrade, fix, and maintain an older, urban home. It isn’t just about fixing the problems, but also one has to think about proximity to neighbors in renovations and tight conditions that might make some fixes difficult or impossible, the demographic of potential future buyers that upgrades are trying to attract and whether that makes sense to do those upgrades/repairs, limits to what a quirky layout could support, and possibly costs associated with historical requirements and similar historical preservation boards.
I also agree that in this economic climate there are no types of homes immune to not gaining much value in a short period of time. So, because of that I think it’s even more important for OP to consider how long they want to be in the house for and what kind of investment they are looking to make (and how much risk they are willing to take).
Eleanor
This is a really good point. I’ve heard people who basically only talk about resale value in evaluatin homes, and people who say your house is where you live so get what you like, but which way you lean realistically has to depend on how long you plan to be there.
JessBee
Do I have kids and/or am I planning to have kids in this house? If so, I lean towards A — more space, more bathrooms (!!), more yard. Although, it’s really hard to not factor in a commute. How difficult is it to get to public transport from A? I’m used to suburban life, so I plan 20 minutes to get anywhere anyway. Going into the city, though, I’d want to be near enough to public transport to make that a good option (assuming we’re in a city where public transport is an attractive option). A would probably be my preference, but if B is gorgeous, and really in a nice area, I might choose that instead.
JessBee
Also, what Kontraktor said.
Bluejay
How many people will be living in the house? Do you both work in the city? Do you have school-aged children? Do you tend to enjoy cultural activities, or are you more the types to sit in your backyard with a beer and a good book?
I would never in a million years choose option A, but I don’t have kids and work downtown and have no interest in having or maintaining a yard. You may be difference.
TCFKAG
Since we opted for B…I say B. And I can’t ignore commute time, its pretty critical to me. All that extra space is pointless if you’re never there to enjoy it.
And that 20 minutes to get anywhere isn’t just 20 minutes, its 20 minutes with no traffic. Which in many modern exurban suburbs is approximately never now a days.
agrarian
I am not ranting at you in any way – but I would like to just point something out for those who have perhaps always lived in the city and not thought about the purpose of land:
The reason Option A has such poor resale value is because everyone wants a farmette in the country with a big yard for their kids to play in. However, all of these 4-15 acre farmettes are the result of a farm being sold to developers. Which results in other farmers not being able to afford the purchase price of a 200-acre property, because they cannot compete with the prices offered by developers, which are often 3-4x the agricultural value of the property. Which results in farmland turning into the suburbs. And the suburban development never turns back into fields and forests.
This goes on for about a decade, then the entire area is no longer the safe, beautiful country, but a bunch of run-down houses that can’t be subdivided further, and there is no agriculture, everybody is commuting, and the houses have gained no value.
I’m happy for the people who bought 70 acres in Loudon in 1978 for $60K, but for those of us who are still trying to actually make a living with an agricultural venture, as opposed to those who made lots of money in a city job and then bought a farm as a hobby, these tiny ‘estates in the suburbs’ have made it impossible to purchase any more land, and are pushing us out…furthering the divide.
This is just my frustration in general, and it has nothing at all to do with you personally. But for what it’s worth…Option B, obviously.
anonahol
Wow, I’d never thought of this. Especially since we like to support local farms.
LeChouette
I am more of a city dweller so I would choose (b). I think my quality of life is much more dependent on being able to get out / about / see and do things easily than the size of my home.
Cat
My reaction of “b” depends on your goals for the house… to get you through the next stage, or to be the place where your grown kids come back to? What’s the incremental increase in commute time, and how often do you take advantage of “walking distance” stuff now? And what’s your appetite for renovations through the years (e.g., turning that .5 into a full bath downstairs so that you’re not fighting for bathroom space with a teenager)?
I grew up in an “a” and hubby in a “b” and the “b” feels like waaaay too little personal space now that everyone is an adult (partly because the tiny kids grew up into 6’4 brothers, making it literally a tight fit in some rooms, but also needing to appear “publicly” in the kitchen on the way to the bathroom after waking up, because your father-in-law is in the shower in the upstairs bathroom, etc.)
eh230
A couple of things to consider. What is your lifestyle like now? Do you go out a lot to the movies, restaurants, bars, etc or do you stay in to watch movies, craft, exercise, etc? If you have kids or plan to have kids, how will that affect your lifestyle, need for space, etc? I am the type that would always pick option b, but because hubby and I don’t go out much and because our toddler loves a big yard, option A makes the most sense.
KLG
As a somewhat recent transplant to the country, lifestyle is key. I whine all the time about how I no longer live near metro/restaurants/culture/etc. but the reality is that with the addition of children to my life, we have little time for all those things I used to do and we spend most of our evenings/weekends at youth sports at the local park so the lack of culture/public transportation isn’t even an issue. That said, we do not have as good of schools or as nice of neighborhoods as I would like and I consider those to be the key draw of suburban living.
GW
And don’t fall prey to the trap of thinking that when you have kids, a yard suddenly becomes the most important thing in your life. Kids also like being able to walk to shops, restaurants, and movies too. We live in the city, and love being able to just decide that we’ll go out to dinner tonight and walk around the corner to a nice restaurant. My kids often comment on how much they love where we live because we can walk to almost everything. If you live in the Northeast or the Midwest, you can only use your yard half the year anyway.
anonahol
such good comments- and things I’d never thought of.
Yes, we plan to have kids and they will be in this house we’re buying. Doubt it will be a “forever home” but could be if it’s the McMansion in the burbs (can’t believe I’m saying that…ugh).
The reason I said to ignore commute is because it’s complicated. I’d have a 45 min-1 hr either way, but DH would have to drive me to the train (now I can take a bus to the train, or ride my bike because we’re so close to downtown; the train would also be 3x more expensive from the faraway suburb). DH’s commute is 30 min now, and would be 5-10 min in the suburb (his office is in one of those ugly suburban office parks). The issue comes when you throw kids into this, no matter how you slice it, it seems like DH would end up ferrying me and the kid back and forth all the time since his commute is shortest, which doesn’t seem fair/desirable. Living closer to the city we would have comparable commutes and be able to share daycare pickup/dropoff duties, doctor’s visits, etc. So it’s not really just commute time per se- it’s a lot of things.
Anastasia
And RE: the yard question, don’t forget that there are parks in the city! At least in my city — I can think of about 10 within a 10 minute bike ride, and at least 3 within a 5-10 minute walk. We’re specifically looking for our option B within walking distance of tennis courts for me and DH and playgrounds and soccer/baseball fields for future kids. (The <.25 acre yard will be mostly consumed by my vegetable garden.) If you want a big yard for privacy, this doesn't help much, but if you want it for the sake of kids being able to play, there are definitely alternatives.
CKB
This. We currently don’t have a yard that is playable (back yard is a very steep hill) and our boys still play outside all the time with their friends riding bikes, playing in the front yard, we go to the park. Remember that kids are adaptable and have a much easier time being happy where they are and with what they have than adults seem to. Unless my kids are abnormal.
KK
So if you chose option B, you would both have 45 min commutes? I would think that would make things a lot more difficult with a kid- it’s nice to have one parent with a shorter commute in case a kid is sick or has a midday appointment.
Really, though, I think you can make almost anything work depending on your lifestyle. You can have kids in the city or a satisfying single life in suburbia. But its a decision that only you and your husband can make. No one else knows you and what you value and what really makes you happy. So 2 out of 3 readers of this blog might chose house X, but it doesn’t matter at all if house Y has more of what you personally care about. We just bought our first house and it was tough dealing with all the tradeoffs (and we live in a very expensive market, so its not like we had a ton of great options either), so I really sympathize.
For me, I would pick A because I’m not a city person and it seems like B isn’t even going to make your commute easier, which is the best part of the city for me. But I like suburbia (and love/grew up in the country). I need grass and trees and breathing room in order to be happy. I don’t mind if fancy restaurants or cultural things are a bit of a drive, and I make my own coffee in the morning so I have no use for walkable coffee shops. But all of these things are particular to me and not helpful for you…
Chicago
I wanted to mention this, too. People keep saying Option A if you want kids, but 1500 square feet, 3 bedrooms, good schools is just fine for kids! I have two kids and a large dog in a 1000 square feet house with postage-stamp yard, and we are just fine. I am perhaps biased in that I grew up in an Option B situation, but I find that during key adolescent years, it’s worthwhile to have access to the variety of social scenes city- and close-suburb-living allows (for me: indie films, art museums). I know it runs contrary to popular lore, but there were more straight-edge kids at my school than in my friend’s smaller town.
We’re choosing Option B for our kids so they’ll have access to more cultural institutions, because our cultural life didn’t end with parenthood, and because ethnic/socioeconomic diversity is important to me, and that’s harder to come by in the true ‘burbs. We don’t have a swing set in our yard, but my kids sure do enjoy playing with new kids every time we hit the local park.
Choosing Option A is cool, don’t get me wrong. But I wanted to be another voice in the mix who actually has kids and is happy with our inner-ring suburb (we are <10 miles from downtown Chicago).
Lyssa
I’ve chosen A, and I’m really happy that way. I like the ‘burbs, and I really, really like having newer, low maintenance construction (I really would never want to deal with an “old” house.). Additionally, we get a nice HOA with a community pool, which is just so nice. Now, I live in a part of the country where there’s virtually no public transportation or real walkability regardless of how urban you get, and we have a large suburban shopping center about 15 minutes away. Plus, both of us work in the ‘burbs. And, we are having kids soon, and wanted the extra space. So, of course, it’s very fact dependant. But I’m more of an A person, myself.
CKB
We moved from A to B a few years ago (and then to something in between) and for us B was a much better fit. The yard in A was way too big – too much time to maintain and too much space – the kids didn’t enjoy playing out there. I like older homes (ours was 1950 and still had original hardwood some of which was in good shape) and being closer to the city. The yard was way more manageable, I could ride my bike to work (I know you said ignore the commute, but I can’t) and being closer to the amenities was worth it for us.
I’d love to move from our A/B hybrid to something closer to downtown where I work but the schools are too fantastic where we are right now.
anonz
I say B. A seems nice but is actually a hassle.
In House Lobbyist
We were dead set on B until our first son was born. We lived in the city for 7 years and were all excited to raise him in the city since we both grew up in small towns. However, we didn’t have a good school option at all. So we moved to the country with a 45 minute commute and we couldn’t be happier. So just know that your options may change even though you think it’s all figured out. I never expected to be where we are now but it’s so peaceful.
oclg
Has anyone here tried capoeira? I have zero background in martial arts but always thought it would be fun and am looking for something new to add to the workout routine.
a.
I haven’t, but I know people who do it. They love it. Lots of meeting in parks to play music and do their things.
Anon
Do it! My sister started doing it a few years ago and she loves it! I went to one class and it was an amazing thigh workout. Give it try and if you don’t like you can stop!
Ada Doom Starkadder
I sit near someone who eats the same damn lunch every day. He just really really likes soup. Which would be fine except….he slurps his soup in what he thinks is a quiet manner. It’s still slurping. Everybody in this quadrant of the cube farm can hear it. Trying to time the slurps when we’re typing is pathetic.
Any of you remember that “House” episode, where this guy who’s turned orange has come to see Dr. House, who tells the orangeman that his wife is cheating on him because, “dude, you’re orange, and you’re married and your wife hasn’t said anything about it, so she must be cheating.”
I’m not surprised his wife is cheating on him. She’s too otherwise occupied to be bothered to teach him to eat soup properly.
Bluejay
She probably packs him soup for lunch because he loves soup and she doesn’t want to hear him slurping it for dinner!
Seattleite
Well, duh. Sic Flora on him! She’d have his table manners cleaned up in no time…
SV in House
Does anyone know how to access the [this site] weight watchers group? I am new to WW and would love to join the group.
Bluejay
Yes, search for Weight Watchin’ (name of this site, plural). It’s online only. I started the group, but I suspended my WW membership a couple of months ago so I can’t say how active it is at the moment.
anon
I need some insight from the hive…
While in law school, I gain weight. I was constantly at school, eatting out, no good workout schedule, and as a result I gain about 20 pounds over three years. I was always in the “overweight” BMI category, and not close to the “obese” category, but was not happy about it. It simply was what it was, I was focused on other things.
Currently, I have been out of school for a little over 2 years. In the past year I’ve lost 25 pounds. I’m solidly in the “healthy” range. I’m training for a 5K and do pilates. I’m pretty happy with how I look so things are good.
Why I am writing is that my mother has been making lots of comments over the past 3 years about my weight. She commented in law school that I should “lay off the beer” and other things like that. And lately she constantly comments that she is so happy that I am working to loose the weight. While these bother/bothered me, they were only to me. However, this past weekend I was on the beach with her, and she comments to some family friends while I am sitting with her that I am training for a 5K, which is great because during law school I lived in a small apartment so, according to her, I studied in my kitchen a lot resulting in me eatting constantly and putting on a lot of weight. I had no clue how to respond. So I just did not say anything.
Should I keep letting this slide? It annoys me that my weight now seems to be something she constantly comments on. I find it rude. If I do say something, what is the best way to approach this without it blowing up? Thanks, sorry this was a little long.
Susan
Ouch. *HUGS*. She seems to have internalized a system where the only value of a woman is her appearance, and the only “acceptable” appearance is that of thinness. It’s a terribly drab, limited, joyless world to live in, don’t let her drag you in.
1. The next time she mentions your weight (out of nowhere) , tell her firmly that you are happy with your appearance and that you do not wish to discuss it with her.
2. She’ll probably respond with some excuse as to why she’s only trying to help, doing you a favor, blah blah. Ignore what she says. Even if her intentions are good (and they probably are), the results are bad– they make you feel less good about yourself.
3. Reiterate to her that you are fine with your appearance, and tell her that if she respects you as a person, she’ll drop the subject because you do not wish to discuss it with her.
Then you get to see if she passes the test of whether she’d prefer to score points on you, and rant on, or if she wants to actually relate to you in a respectful way. It could be that she’s a bit of a narcissist. It could merely be that she still views you as a (disobedient) appendage to herself. Neither is acceptable.
4. If she’s still ranting, either leave the room or the place. Yes, LEAVE HER THERE if it’s a restaurant (leave her enough to pay for the meal). Or if you’re on IM/Gchat/phone, hang up.
This is the only way to drive your point home to people who are hellbent on nagging you. If they won’t drop the topic and you let them, they’ll be getting reinforcement that somehow this is acceptable behavior. It’s not. Keep this up until they get it.
CW
My father loves to comment on people’s weight, and used to do it to me all the time growing up (my weight has fluctuated between fine and slightly overweight). Finally, when I was about 24-25, I turned to him and said, “Why would you ever comment on my weight? Don’t you realize how rude and hurtful you can be? It’s inappropriate, and you should never do it again.” I said this calmly, even though the words are really harsh, but I wanted to drill home the point that he needed to stop this.
Depending on the relationship you have with your mother, she may get upset / say things like, “But I’m just concerned with your health.” Your response to that should be something along the lines of, “Are you telling me that I’m overweight? Are you telling me that I’m unhealthy? Why would you tell people that I used to be overweight or unhealthy? I’m neither of those things so your comments are not helpful and hurt my feelings.”
JessC
You should only let it slide if it doesn’t bother you. Since it does appear to bother you, you need to speak up. Be gentle, but direct. “Mom, I appreciate that you’re concerned about my health and my weight, but can we please not talk about it so much? It’s starting to upset me – especially when you bring it up in front of other people.”
If she brings it up again, remind her of what you told her. “Mom, I already said I don’t want to talk about this.” Rinse and repeat as necessary.
Chicago
I like this approach, because it acknowledges her concern without you explaining yourself, which you don’t need to do.
SugarMagnolia
Wait until you are alone with your mom, and bring up a specific instance where she made a rude comment and simply tell her, “Mom, I am sensitive about my weight, which is why I worked to lose what I gained in law school. Please don’t mention this to others, as it embarrasses me” And then drop it. That should be enough to get her to understand those comments are hurtful.
Ada Doom Starkadder
Yabbut, sometimes, it’s not enough.
Some parents are nearly Stalinist in their ideology, you know the drill: “because I care about you, I can circumvent and steamroll with tanks, any sense of respect, personal dignity, personal space, or ethics, because I am doing all this in the name of a Good Cause.”
I advocate telling her calmly but firmly, but if she still doesn’t get it, then she cares more about getting her way than your feelings, which puts her in the “little dictator” camp.
rosie
Sorry and hugs to you. Whether or not this works depends on the person, but could you say something like, “Oh, are we going to talk about your eating habits/body image/weight loss/etc. next”? That can help the speaker realize just how rude and inappropriate they are being.
onehsancare
“Mom, I love you, and I know you care about me. I need you to know that your comments about my weight, positive or negative, bother me a lot. I’m happy with myself, and that’s all that’s important. I need you to not mention it again, no matter whether I stay at this weight or go up or down. Can you do that for me?”
onehsancare
I don’t how Susan’s post is time-stamped ahead of mine, but she says it much better. The key is to LEAVE the conversation when she won’t comply with your request.
KLG
As someone who also put on 20 pounds during law school, I would ask to speak to her privately and tell her you were really bothered that she mentioned your weight to family and that you’re happy and healthy right now and would appreciate it if she would lay off comments about your weight both in private and public.
soulfusion
all good advice so far but if her comments continue let me suggest a coping device my sister taught me. For background, I have a sister-in-law who is 100% obsessed with weight and appearance and fashion and is unbelievably good at mean girl compliments/digs about weight and appearance. My sister and I are fit, healthy and active but not the skinny, scrawny things we were in our teens and early 20s. But being around our sister-in-law’s nonstop jabber about food and weight and diets leaves us both feeling like oversized slugs. As an example before my sister’s wedding after getting me to tell her the designer of my bridesmaid dress she said “that’s a very forgiving designer.” There is no way to get her to stop so my sister taught me how to cope with a seemingly simple visual – her words just wash over me when I’m in the moment and I am watching from a distance somewhere in my head completely detached. She can say whatever she has to say and I do not react, I do not let her lead me into a discussion about my weight. Ever. Then, afterwards, I decompress with a vent session with my sister or my mom about all the crazy. It helps to laugh about it. This has taken me many years of work to stick with it because ignoring doesn’t come naturally to me but limiting my exposure to her and steeling myself before and during and letting it all release after has really helped.
It is far more emotional with your mother and hopefully she will be more sensitive in the future, but if not (or while she is learning), maybe this will help. And feel free to vent here. Honestly, it almost becomes a game of collecting the most inappropriate comments to retell later. (and yes, that is very gossipy of me but it has helped me rebuild the relationship with my brother by not arguing with his wife so I see it as the lesser of two evils).
Awful Lawful
International travel question –
Later this week I will be traveling internationally for pleasure. The multiple flights are going to wind up requiring about 24 hours of travel time. What do you ladies typically wear for this kind of travel? I know it probably sounds silly that I have to ask, but I’m having trouble deciding if I want to go the sweatpant route or not.
Bluejay
Black yoga pants, sports bra, camisole, long sleeved tee or cardigan, supportive shoes and socks, hair in braid. Don’t worry about the sweatpants. So long as you look put-together, there’s nothing wrong with being comfortable in an elastic waist.
LilyB
Can you do leggings (the nice, thick kind with pockets and a zip/button) and a comfortably, airy, tunic-type blouse, with ballet flats? And a wrap if it’s cold or that can sub as a pillow.
Ellie
Agree with this.
Or a comfortable dress- wrap dress maybe– with a scarf.
r
I go on a lot of long haul flights for work, and I typically wear something like this. Usually I top the leggings with a sweater dress b/c I get so cold on planes. Also, don’t forget to bring some socks to throw on once the plane takes off.
lawtalkinggirl
When I went to Russia in the spring it took more than 48 hours and I wore black soft shell hiking pants. They are stretchy and therefore comfortable to sit in for hours and hours and hours. The zippered thigh pocket was essential to stash my passport and cash. They don’t scream “tourist” since they are black with no visible logos. Something like this – http://www.backcountry.com/mountain-hardwear-chockstone-softshell-pant-womens.
Darby
yoga pants all the way; i usually do some version of an “all black” look — depending on where i’m headed, i might do a fleece instead of a cardi/sweater, i always take a pashmina/large scarf as i get cold on planes; i like to wear ballet flats as they slip on & off easily & i take a pair of socks for the plane. i also usually take an outfit to change into upon arrival in a carry on. it’s a little silly, but i feel “refreshed” if i can get changed & not as anxious to just get to the hotel already.
JessBee
Something comfortable that you don’t have to tug at or adjust too often, with a layer or two for extreme temps in the planes, slip on/off shoes (a must!). I like to feel cute when I travel, too, so I second yoga pants over traditional sweats.
DC Anonymous
Do you have a small carry on (like a mini duffel bag, backpack or a weekender bag) that you could pack with one change of clothes? I like to wear something like a jeans and a sweater onto the plane and then use the bathroom to change into leggings or sweatpants + a tee shirt once I’m really settling into the flight. Then change back when it feels like the “next day” (if you’re flying overnight) or when you’re getting near your final destination. It helps to break up the time and to not feel like you’ve been stewing in the same clothing for a long time when you arrive.
If that’s not an option or you’d just prefer to keep things simpler, I’d definitely vote for sweatpants or leggings!
lawtalkinggirl
Am I the only woman in N America who does not understand yoga pants? They just Do Not Look Right on me. Something about my crotch area looks very, very wrong in yoga pants. It’s not camel toe, it’s some kind of misshapen weirdness in my upper thighs that is somehow magnified by the pants. I am neither fat nor thin – just an ordinary size 6. How is it that you all can wear this garment?
JessBee
Haha, I actually can’t wear yoga pants, either, but I’m plus size, so I chalk it up to athletic clothing manufacturers not believing that my chunky bum actually wants to do yoga. It makes me feel a little better to know that normal-sized girls have trouble with them, too! My rec was based on the assumption that the OP can feel comfortable in them. I personally prefer to travel in jeans or skirts.
Godzilla
Different clothes work for different body types. If you find yoga pants comfortable but don’t like the way they look around your hips, go for a tunic top or sweater dress like someone upthread suggested.
Ada Doom Starkadder
Size 0/2 here and they also don’t sit right on me. It’s not the size, it’s just that the shape doesn’t fit with the contours of my thighs. I credit my thighs for my immunity to the Lululemon Kool-Aid.
zora
I have a couple of really long tunic shirts and a long sweater tunic/dress that i have just for this purpose. I am self-conscious about having my ample rear all visible, but the long tunic lets me wear what are essentially sweatpants and still feel like I’m basically put together looking.
So this is what I wear on every single flight now: ponte pants or yoga pants, long tunic, and a long waterfall sweater that also goes down far enough to cover my rear in the back. With slip on booties and warm socks. And I bring a big pashmina for wrapping up when I get cold. I like that I can feel really comfy, but if I wear shlubby comfy clothes, then I feel even more gross at the end of the long flight. Looking put together in the mirror after a long flight actually makes me feel better. ;o)
Awful Lawful
Thanks everyone. The yoga pant solution was exactly what I was looking for but couldn’t think of. My mind was like, “Do I really want to wear a tracksuit?”
Basics
Something that both covers your legs so that your skin is not touching icky airplane seats directly AND does not droop on the floor when you use the icky airplane and airport bathrooms. For me, this is cropped pants with a comfortable waist. Accompanied by:
* slip on shoes with socks
* comfy bra
* Tshirt
* cardigan
* pashmina
* silk scarf
* tote that fits everything I want to carry on.
* minimal jewelry
Anon
Just wanted to share a product review of L’Oreal Telescopic Mascara. I had never tried “tube” mascara before but LOVE it. I have always worn waterproof mascara to avoid smudging, but it never quite comes off all the way with any of the many types of make-up removers I’ve tried. I have felt like this residue has started bugging my eyes. Removing the telescopic mascara is a breeze, but it stays put pretty well all day. Very lengthening too.
Has anyone tried higher-end versions of tube mascara? Are more expensive brands worth it?
JessBee
I’m a confirmed drug-store-cosmetics junkie, so my high end makeup knowledge is definitely lacking. What is “tube” mascara? I originally thought you meant mascara from a tube (which made me wonder if there’s some alternative out there that I’m missing), but on re-reading, do you mean mascara that makes a tube around your lashes? Can you really tell the difference?
Anon
OP here, I don’t know what the formula difference is for the tube mascara, but yes it’s a different product. The applicator is more like hard plastic than the bristles of standard mascara. I think it separates the lashes more than regular mascara, and when you remove it, it almost comes off like tubes rather than smearing.
Kontraktor
I use Blinc tube mascara when I want waterproof, but I find I actually don’t really like the shape it gives me lashes. I have long and bushy lashes already, but I like mascaras that play on that fullness and make my lashes even fluffier and fuller and more doe-ish. My go to non-tube mascara is Maybeline Full N Soft (but I am liking MAC Opulash which I am trying now because I got for free recently). The Blinc I find separates my lashes too much and makes them look rather sparse and thin, not super fluffy and thick. But I don’t like regular waterproof mascara, so I will use the Blinc if need be. I probably wouldn’t repurchase it though, as I believe it was at least $20 and maybe a bit more. I think a lower end variety is probably fine, but I guess it depends on the shape of your lashes.
DC Law
On the other hand, I love Blinc. I love that it stays on all day and is a breeze to remove, and I think it makes my lashes look longer and more defined without being too much. I got my first one through Birchbox and am going to buy a second one when it runs out. It’s expensive, but I think it’s worth it.
Kontraktor
I agree that it has great staying power and is very easy to remove. I just don’t like how it makes my lashes thinner/more stuck together for some reason. :-P I think it’s because I seem to have the best success with big, fluffy brushes and the Blinc brush is rather thin/linear.
mamabear
I’m addictied to the tube mascara from Trish McEvoy . I tried Blinc, too, but it felt like it was contracting and pulling on my lashes while it dried. I also found it harder to get off. The Trish slips right off when I wash with my regular facial cleanser. I only have to use makeup remover because I wear long-wearing eyeliner.
My favorite thing is no black marks on my towels, ever.
anon for this
For any of you here, did you suddenly want kids when you entered your 30s? I turned 30 recently and have started wanting children, when I didn’t just a year ago. Which would kinda be fine if I was single, but I’m married and my husband does not want children. He is not sure whether he doesn’t want children now, or whether he doesn’t want them ever, and he feels blindsided by this change.
I don’t think I could say I 100*% want kids (and definitely not right now), but I would say the desire is there when it wasn’t previously.
Cat
Interested to hear people’s responses. I am closing in on 30 and always thought that would be when I wanted to have kids, but “baby fever” or whatever it is has definitely not hit yet. Although hubby and I do plan on having them, I’m also wondering how people decided to make the switch from “yes, someday” to “trying.”
JessBee
As I mentioned below, I’ve done a lot of reading on this topic, because my husband and I are in the same boat. Ever since we got “serious” as a couple, we’ve talked about “when we have kids,” but in 10 years we’ve never had the desire for them. The longer this goes on, the more “not now” starts to feel like “not ever,” and we’re okay with that (for now). I’ve read a lot about people, especially women, who have felt a sudden flipped switch effect. All the sudden they want kids, when they never had before, and never expected to. However, I’ve also read many accounts from women and couples to whom that never happens– they happily decide not to have kids, and they stay perfectly happy with that decision. My philosophy is that you can never predict how you might change over time. But you can listen to what your heart and body are telling you now, and if that’s “not now,” then so be it.
Susan
Are you concerned that your desire to have children will grow until you *absolutely must* have children, leading you/him to seek a divorce?
This is one of those difficult things in life; how can anyone accurately gauge what they will truly want in N years time?
I can understand your husband’s feeling blindsided about this, especially if both of you insisted before marrying that neither of you wanted children, but people change and people’s desires chnage.
Are you happy in your marriage? If so, I’d be cautious about blowing up a perfectly good marriage just to have kids. On the other hand, if you really want to have children, I’ve heard people describe that as an almost unbearable desire, then, maybe the two of you should split up, so he doesn’t have to be saddled with children he doesn’t want (which is not great for him, not great for the kids, and not great for the marriage) and find a man who does want children. No good solutions, really.
JessBee
No personal experience with this; I am still under 30 and DH and I still don’t want kids. However, I’ve read a lot about women who suddenly changed their minds on this– and it’s happened to at least one close friend. I’m obviously interested in the phenomenon, because I’m not sure it won’t happen to me. I think the best thing you can do is keep talking with your husband. Help him to understand that it’s not uncommon for women to suddenly start to feel the “biological clock”– he may otherwise feel that you’ve somehow been untruthful or deceptive, but reading other stories of women who have felt this change should help alleviate some of that. Think about what it means to you to have children– what is it that you suddenly crave about kids? Talk to him about why he still doesn’t want kids. If possible, involve a professional. Unless one of you changes your mind (which could happen, after thoughtful discussion and time), one of you will not get what you want. Since we’re talking about something pretty significant to your marriage, it would be good for you both to have help coping.
KLG
The switch definitely flipped around 29 for me. I distinctly remember being grossed out when a friend mentioned to me that she had baby fever. I was like “what??? WHY????” and just could not understand that desire at that point in our lives. Then a year later (at 29) I had babies on the brain (and still do). But I have other friends who are 31/32 and still no flip of the switch for them.
Lyssa
Mine came a little before my 30’s, around 27-ish, but yes, it was very sudden. I’m certain that it was almost entirely biological, before then, I was ambivalent, but around that time, it became a very strong urge – I would compare it to hunger, or something like that, not just a want like I want a new pair of shoes. I found myself really drawn to babies or pregnant women, as in, I would find myself looking at them when I saw them in public. It was strange.
A lot of it, too, was probably that I couldn’t at the time, because I was in law school, while a number of my non-law school friends were around that time. To tell you the truth, some of the most stressful urges did fade away after I got out of school and it started to become possible (and scary!), though I still wanted to.
And now, at 32, I have one on the way. So, there you go.
All of that said, of course, your husband gets a say, too. You guys definitely have to sit down and talk about it, now or later, and he will have to decide whether or not he is open to it in the future or not (and you may have to decide whether you are open to the idea of never having them). It’s possible that some hard decisions will have to be made. Try not to get upset with each other about it if you wind up coming to different conclusions, because, when you get right down to it, this can be a dealbreaker. (I hate divorce, and I’m not at all suggesting that you should get one, but at some point, you two will have to decide whether you can be happy going one way or the other or not. There’s no real compromise between kids and no kids.) Good luck!
KK
This is how I’m feeling as well… except it started around 25/26 (in law school, engaged). I’m 28 and married and constantly vacillating between baby fever and baby anxiety. Now that we technically could go for it, it terrifies me what that would mean- like the posts earlier in this thread about morning routines with a newborn threw me into a whole spiral of anxiety about how that would actually fit in our life. I assume that at some point the desire will overwhelm the terror/anxiety, and that’s when we’ll go for it.
goirishkj
Lyssa, I was the same way about pregnant women and babies when baby fever hit. It was weird and creepy. I apologize to anyone who saw me staring and thought I was a total creeper. I’m not in real life, pinky swear!
SugarMagnolia
I didn’t get married until I was 38, and did so because I had been with my S.O. for 8 years and realized I really really wanted kids and time was running out. However, I had always had some inkling that I liked being around children (ie: I am not the type to avoid talking to little ones at a friend’s house or something) and should have paid more attention to those feelings.
I don’t think that I was hit over the head with the desire to have children, but I did realize that if I didn’t act fast, I would never be a mom, and that made my heart hurt. (Sorry if it sounds corny, just being honest)
I am now expecting my first child at age 41. Should have gotten on board with this years ago!
KPG
Thank you, from someone is 32 and single and feeling like the switch is a little loose.
Bette
Yes, and I feel blindsided too. I was always pretty agnostic about having children and figured that I would end up childless for a variety of reasons. Now that I am in my early 30s though I find that I really genuinely want children. It was like a light switch just turned on one day. It feels so trite but the biological urge to reproduce is real.
AIMS
I just turned 31 (eek!) and I have started to seriously think about it in just the last few months. It’s odd because this time last year I was literally considereing whether perhaps I didn’t want any at all (though I always wanted a child, just never “now” so it was more of a feeling the time pressure thing than anything else). I don’t know if I would quite call it an urge yet though. I think I am too practical and so the knowledge of all I would be giving up is keeping me from wanting a baby too much or too often. But it’s simmering.
This is totally not something I would admit in my real life, so to speak, but sometimes when I am bored and looking at things on gilt or etc., I will click through cute baby clothes and pick out outfits for my imaginary baby! Obviously, I realize having a kid is more serious than buying adorable onesies, but I can see the process starting, so to speak. I also notice mothers with babies a lot more than I used to and, most oddly of all, I pay attention to things I never noticed before like does the mom look cute or seem annoying, which I think is my way of trying to visualize myself as a mother (something that didn’t seem appealing until recently) and to try to negotiate that space in my mind without feeling like I wouldn’t be me anymore.
AFT
This is waaaay off topic, but AIMS, you seem so accomplished and wise that I am surprised you are 31.
Carry on…
AIMS
AFT, you just made my day! Between this and a lady at a coffee shop asking me if I was working on a term paper (when I was reading a brief), I feel danged good about myself, inside and out! Thanks :)
mamabear
Yep. I was actually just pre-30, but one day after 10 years of saying I wouldn’t ever want kids, suddenly I could not wait to have one. My specific nagging image was of holding a soft little baby, with its sweet downy head snuggled into my neck.
And just like that I wanted babies. Best decision I ever made. Only problem is that they don’t stay babies forever (same problem with puppies and kittens) but having 9 & 11 year old kids is pretty damn cool too.
Mountain Girl
That’s pretty much how it happened for me.
Becoming a mother was the most significant life changing event I have experienced in my life. More than finishing high school, college or grad school. More than getting married. More than starting career or promotions at work. More than moving 1500 miles from home. More. than. anything!
I have enjoyed every stage my kids were in. Every stage was my favorite – the terrible two’s, kindergarten and now the teen years. I can’t imagine my life without my kids and, yes, it actually did change almost overnight.
new york associate
Agreed. Becoming a mother literally rocked my world on its foundations. I’m not going to say it was easy, but I will say that it was absolutely worth it.
elz
I always wanted kids. Always. My husband did too. We discussed children and how many we thought we wanted before we were engaged. Luckily, the only thing that changed was the number-I changed from wanting 4 kids to 2 (I would be crazy now if I had 4 kids). But, that’s just me.
CKB
Not just you – me too. As a little girl I’d always say I wanted to be a mom when I grew up. Dh always wanted to be a dad, too. We got married young and started trying to have a family young. Even with 3 m/c I had my 3rd (and last) baby 3 months after turning 30. I had planned my career to be mom-friendly (I’m an accountant and worked from home p/t for the first 7 years of mommy-hood). We originally thought 3 to 5 kids would be good, but after they started coming decided 3 would be perfect. And so far it is. Well, maybe not perfect, but just right, anyway.
goirishkj
Happened to me. Husband and I got married young, right out of college. We thought we were going in to the military (didn’t happen) and then we went to grad school. I had some health issues early on that really scared me off from having kids at this point. So kids were always “maybe later”. Then after grad school we were in a routine and happy so we started thinking that we would never have kids. We weren’t so much anti-kids–we tended to like kids if we liked their parents–we just didn’t feel a pull towards kids and didn’t think we should try unless we really wanted a baby. During this time I was totally paranoid that I wouldn’t feel that pull until it was too late, so we kept talking about whether we wanted kids. Then, right before I turned 30, things started to change. We went to visit a friend and her 3 munchkins and I started to feel like maybe I wanted kids. Husband did too. Then I got laid off, which forced me to reconsider if I wanted to throw myself into my career. And then baby fever hit, which I think was due in no small part to everything else that was going on, as I was forced to re-evaluate my goals.
And now I’ll be 32 later this year. And expecting our first baby in February. Baby fever was so weird when it happened–heck *I* felt blindsided, and it was my own mind and body! I always thought baby fever was a societal expectation–maybe it still is, but I definitely felt it.
No advice for you and your husband. It’s hard. And kids/no kids isn’t really something that can be compromised, as others have pointed out. What worked for me and my husband was open communication about what we were feeling. Good luck to you both.
OP
I’m glad I’m not the only one, though I don’t know how to resolve this in my marriage. He seems to think that having kids means the end of life, that he will be sidelined, that we will be tired all the time and that there will be no fun anymore. Which I think all can partially true in the early years but I also think of it as a great journey we could take together. I see no indication that he thinks or understands this right now.
Ada Doom Starkadder
If he has that type of attitude, then yes, it will be the end of “life”, he will be sidelined, etc.
I’m not a parent, but the parents I know tend to fall on a broad spectrum.
At one end, the neurotic, helicoptery ones that try to be too perfect and they’re the ones who have no life (other than servicing their children’s every need and want, real or imagined, mostly imagined), have no sex, are bitter and miserable, and yet preachy that they must be doing the right thing, because otherwise, all this suffering is wasted)… I hope your husband knows that this isn’t the default role one has to play the minute one becomes a parent.
At the other end, relaxed, the parents who plan some things, but are flexible, go-with the flow and yet organized, who manage to still prioritize their spouse’s needs and talk with him/her about real stuff and not just about what tasks need to be done around the house or For The Kids (TM). They look happy, their kids look happy.
Lots of folks in between. But the ones at the really happy end of the spectrum– all of them did their homework– they had serious talks about how many hours were in the day, what it would entail, what it would cost (time and money both), sorted out who would do what in a fairly equitable way, and roll up their sleeves and just get on with it. They were also good at keeping promises– if X promised to handle all the cooking, while Y managed the day-to-day housekeeping/laundry, they stuck to it, rather than dumping everything on one person, which fosters resentment.
The happy ones tell me that the people who say their lives ended after their having kids are being unfair to their kids by implicitly blaming them. Nobody asks to be born. I think these parents are right when they say that those whose lives “ended,” well, it’s because they’re complacent– unhappy about something, but unwilling to do anything to actually address it. A.k.a. “your life will be boring if YOU are boring, not because you have kids.”
Cat
Ladies who have “flipped,” were you on BC at the time? Part of me idly wonders if I weren’t on the pill, what my hormones would be saying to me.
Lyssa
I was, a low dose that I’d been on for years.
PghAnon
My ‘switch flipped’ when I was 25. I’m 29 now. Not married and no prospects for that ever happening. Planning to go it alone within the next 3 years or so if nothing else changes. I want at least 2 kids (wanted more but running out of time for that).
anon for this
Am I horrible if I went ahead and had kids without having a flipped switch? I always knew that I really really wanted kids, but by 34 the switch had not flipped… but biologically I knew I had to try so we went ahead and did it. I have an amazing 13-month old daughter now. She’s amazing, but… sometimes in the back of my brain I now understand how some people could not want kids (whereas before the thought was completely untenable to me; I just did not get it). I’m glad I had her because, well, she’s amazing, and it’s so wonderful to see how my husband’s and my personalities came together in one person… but another big reason I’m glad is because I know I always would have wondered and felt “unfinished” if I hadn’t become a mother. But… right now in the thick of child rearing I do have moments where I long for the great life I had before the baby.
Ada Doom Starkadder
No, you don’t sound horrible at all!
You’d be horrible if you were abusive to her or neglectful, but you sound like a very loving mother! You’re just having some honest reflections about what you’ve given up (for now) in order to have your daughter. That’s natural. You’re not dwelling, but you shouldn’t suppress such thoughts, either. They’re real. They need to be acknowledged.
One of my coworkers told me, that she essentially did what you did because she was getting older and didn’t want to face a fertility cliff. She was terrified at month 7 of her pregnancy because she was having all these weird hormonal dreams where she’d be lying there in the hospital, and the nurses would hand her her child, and say, “Congratulations M, what a lovely baby [girl/boy].” And then she’d look down, and it was a doll or some weird animal, and not her baby. She told me she was afraid she’d give birth to a child she could not love, who would be like an alien to her.
It all worked out, though- when she gave birth to her first child, she just fell in love with the tiny little baby. And she loves that baby’s younger sibling, too. :-)
Midwest
You’re not horrible; you’re human.