This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m seeing a lot of leather for this fall, and while it’s not always the most practical (the episode of Friends with Ross’s leather pants always comes to mind), it does give off a vibe that's tough to replicate with any other fabric.
I think the trick to making leather work for the office is to wear it in a classic silhouette, like this well-tailored pencil skirt from Nordstrom. I would keep the rest of my outfit conservative — a tucked-in oxford shirt or cashmere sweater would be perfect — to balance out the leather.
The skirt is $299 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 00–14.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Ribena
Help! I have an interview in the next couple of hours and I’m pretty sure that I actually want to stay where I am rather than taking this. It’s obviously still useful to do the interview to find out what opportunities are out there and what might come next, but I know I’m not yet ready to move (was sending out speculative applications and not expecting to get any interviews). Am I best just to be super honest and explain that I’m at the stage of figuring out what comes next?
Do I just send them an email tomorrow thanking them for their time and withdrawing from the process? (For norms – U.K. finance).
Velma
I think you should go at this point. You never know: you may love the opportunity and staff, or at least make a useful contact. After the interview, send a nice thank-you note, withdraw from this search, and (if it’s the case) express your enthusiasm about the organization re: positions that may open in the future. In the future, decline when the interview offer comes in if you’re sure you’re not interested.
Ribena
When I applied I thought I was interested but I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching over the few weeks since (it’s been two weeks since the interview was set up) and realised it’s not that I want to do a different job, but rather that I want to do my own job, but not in a pandemic.
Anon
That’s not an option now though, so I think it makes sense to see what there is to do DURING a pandemic, b/c it seems to be sticking around.
Anonymous
Girl what? It’s been 2 weeks. Nothing has changed. Try for it.
Anonymous
I would take the interview, send a thank-you tomorrow, and then withdraw a few days later. If you withdraw the day after the interview it will look as if you decided during the interview that the organization was a bad fit, which may cut off any future opportunities. If you cancel the interview at the last minute you will look like a flake, which will also mean you’ll never get another interview with this organization.
Anon
Always choose the option that gives you more choices. Waling away gives you nothing.
Anon
US Finance, but I say play it out to the end. If they give you an offer then you can say you’ve decided on a different path. Interviews help freshen your skills, give you good data points on what is competitive in the market, and if you get to an offer you have a baseline for what your skills are worth in the current market.
The good news is that you know you don’t desperately want the job, so you can treat the interview like candidates SHOULD. You can treat it like they’re trying to woo you, and ask questions around what would actually tempt you to make the move. Ask about career paths, work life balance, benefit packages, etc, all the stuff that you wish you had now. Who knows, maybe it’s the perfect job for you, but at a minimum you’ll get information you can use if you want to ask for those items in your current role.
Anon
This, exactly – the best time to interview is when you absolutely don’t want a job and can ask allllll the real questions.
Anon.
This.
Anon
I agree with this completely. In my last job search, I was feeling “on the fence” as well until a firm that was recruiting me offered me a comp that was over 20% higher than my base pay, even though they knew (because I told them, thinking they’d never be able match) my already high salary. After they gave me the offer and I saw that number, all of a sudden I didn’t feel valued at my firm anymore. I didn’t end up taking that 20% job, but I decided to go to another firm that also offered a higher salary. Until you get to that point, you have no idea what you may be missing out on and there is something to be said about going someplace where they really value your skills and want you there.
Anonymous
Agree – do the interview. I have a slightly different reason, though. As an interviewer, I absolutely hate it when people cancel same-day. I would rather you respect my time and prep (if any) I put into this interview than cancel. If the interview was next week, I might say differently, but this looks like you forgot about it, or aren’t ready, etc.
Note I’m not saying that is true – but those thoughts cross my mind when people cancel last minute and say they decided to stay at their current role.
Anonymous
Omg get over this nonsense and go after the job!! You’ve been blathering on about moving for months and months and months. At least try for the job. If you don’t want it worry about that if and when you get an offer.
Absolutely nonsense to consider going on the interview and then saying during it oh lol just kidding.
Anon
+ a million
Ribena
Thanks everyone – really useful advice.
I went on the interview – I was never going to pull out last minute. It’s for a role at the next level up that’s in a very different part of the same organisation where I’d be the lead for my specialism, rather than working in a team of specialists. It sounds like the culture would be very different, and it would be 80-100% travelling which I don’t think I could cope with. This was also the first opportunity I’d had to interview for a role at this next level up and it was useful to hear where the gaps were in my experience, with it being a totally new level of competition.
While I’m looking to move geographically, that’s completely separate from the job question – I could do my same job in a different location.
Anon
Are you certain it would be that much travel? No company I know of is looking at travel the same way in the future – WSJ just published a survey that said anticipated cut backs are somewhere around 20-40% on average post pandemic. It will be a hard reality for hospitality and likely will drive up the cost of personal travel, but really nice for those travel heavy jobs.
Allie
Do not be super honest about that! You can always withdraw after the interview, but an interview is, in part, a test of your understanding of what the appropriate things to say in any given situation are. Saying you’re just figuring out is not appropriate interview information and reflects poorly on you by making the org. worry that you’d say other inappropriate things in meetings etc. Go, be enthusiastic, and withdraw after if you want to.
Anonymous
A really good perspective.
Anon
Don’t treat it any differently than any other interview. You never know what’s going to come of it. No need to be freaking out about this before it even happens.
bbb
I normally sleep pretty well but then have nights where my mind is just wired – not thinking about anything in particular, just like I am wide awake. This often coincides with a feeling of the blues, although it’s sort of a chicken and the egg situation. Melatonin isn’t always helpful and I don’t really want to take anything stronger on a consistent basis.
I’ve become convinced it’s hormonal. What kind of doctor should I see and what kinds of questions should I ask? One of my concerns is that this only happens a few times a month, so will my hormones look normal if my visit doesn’t coincide with those days?
Anon
This happens to me as part of PMS so it’s hormonal but there’s also nothing to be done.
Emma
Same here. Melatonin helps a bit, but also I just accept it and go watch something stupid on the couch, which I know isn’t recommended but helps my brain disconnect.
Anonymous
Thirding that I get PMS insomnia 2-4 nights a cycle. For me, it’s usually the day before my period starts and sometimes stretches into the period itself for a few days. I usually fall asleep at 10-11:30, then it has me wide awake at 3-3:30 for at least 1-2 hours. I haven’t found any solution.
Anonymous
Could be anxiety too. Your doctor might be able to prescribe a low dose of a depression/anxiety med that can be taken on an as needed basis.
Anon
See I’d personally rather take melatonin, NyQuil or some other over the counter sleep aid than deal with the side effects of an antidepressant or take on daily meds. To the OP, it’s pretty normal to have sleep patterns like that as you age and I’m not sure there’s much more you can do.
Anonymous
That’s the benefit of a Rx that can be taken as needed!
Anon
Is there such a thing for depression/anxiety? That is not at all my experience with how those drugs work…
Anon
I saw an MD for my sporadic insomnia and she gave me an anti-anxiety medicine (hydroxyzine) that can be taken as needed. It does knock me out if I take a high enough dose, but I hate taking it because I feel really groggy and hungover for 24-48 hours even if I get plenty of sleep. However I assume Ambien/Xanax is even worse in that regard.
I hear you
It is really asking for trouble/dependence/abuse to start taking drugs like Xanax for sleep. That is not what it is intended for, yet many inexperienced PCPs will prescribe it, unfortunately. Any of the stronger sedative meds will increase fatigue the next day for most folks. Trazadone is the most benign of those meds.
Taking over the counter sleep aids routinely is NOT a good idea. Read the labels. There is a reason most of them say to talk with your doctor if you take it more than a small number of nights. There are side effects of most of these. And benadryl is a bad idea…
Anon
Thank you for posting, I have cycles of recurrent insomnia too but never thought to correlate to menstrual cycle. I need to start tracking!
bbb
I have an IUD. Anybody know how that would affect this? Plus it’s lasting longer than just a few days this time, although I think it’s usually just a few days. Maybe I need to start tracking it.
Curious
I still got pre-period insomnia with my Mirena! Lasted 1-2 nights and then I needed to crash the next 2 days.
Anon
progesterone IUD is a very localized hormone, which prevents endometrial buildup (hence less bleeding for some women), I would not expect systemic effects (aside from general happiness from less bleeding)
roxie
The day I got an IUD (mirena) I began experiencing relentless insomnia. I got my IUD removed within 2 weeks and it immediately went away.
Ginger
I take a THC indica gummy. Works great. This is the real deal, bought from a dispensary by a friend in another state. I don’t feel high. All I know is that I sleep through the night without the 3:00 am wake up and rumination.
I also have a supply of low dose Xanax, but I find the gummies work better.
Anon
How much melatonin are you taking? The regular does is 3 mg, but a doctor told me that most people under dose, so I should try 10 mg. The increased dose definitely makes a difference for me.
Anon
Agreed. Try 6mg or 9mg, take 3-4hrs prior to intended sleep time.
Anonymous
Ooof, actually, I’ve heard the other way – that melatonin works best at very low levels and most people take too much. I take 0.5-1mg.
Anon
Agreed. I take 1 mg. My doctor said most people take way too much. There are also some scary studies that melatonin bottle labels tend to be inaccurate, usually in the direction of containing more melatonin than advertised, sometimes by a factor of 10. Melatonin is a supplement and not regulated by FDA the way medicines are so the quality control can be….questionable.
Anonymous
Yeah, agreed!
People take different kinds of melatonin, for different reasons, though, and some people need the melatonin to kick in at a later point during the night, usually older people getting lower quality sleep. Could it be that the big dosage thing is a way to get the same effect as a time-release melatonin?
Anonymous
Anyone familiar with low testosterone in men? DH has never slept well, he has had more trouble with getting excited, etc. He got his levels tested and they’re on the very low end of normal – and less than half average for his age. Is this something I should encourage follow up? His new PCP’s e-note just said all labs were within normal other than cholesterol.
Trixie
I think a testosterone supplement could be very helpful. Low T is a thing.
BeenThatGuy
Low T is very treatable with medication. It’s not ED meds.
I hear you
If he is interested, have him make an appointment with a urologist to discuss the pros/cons. Tons of men supplement with T.
Poor sleep is not a common symptom though of low T and wouldn’t be a reason to treat. But the urologist would be better than a PCP in going through the symptoms.
One big reason to try supplementing T…. men develop osteoporosis with aging, and low T is one of the biggest contributors to that. I have a male relative that started supplementing with T and it reversed his osteoporosis. It was really only by accident that the docs discovered he even had osteoporosis, since it is almost never looked for in men.
Curious
Can you tell us more about this? Are tests common? My partner has similar sleep troubles, though arousal isn’t a problem on our admittedly not ambitious cadence :)
Anon
A friend’s husband is 60 and was having issues and had low testosterone, got on a medically-prescribed supplement (not what you can order off a weird Fox News commercial) and he is like a new person. Lots more energy, sleeping better, he’s having fewer digestive issues (which surprised him), etc. There are risks associated with testosterone supplementation in men but there are risks with having low T as well. Nothing wrong with treating a hormonal condition that’s causing problems.
Senior Attorney
My husband takes testosterone supplements. I always tease him and tell him he’s juicing…
Anonymous
I desperately need outfit inspiration this fall. I put on a little weight so some clothes don’t fit and some just fit differently – I have a huge wardrobe but nothing excites me. Would you share your OOTD?
– OOTD: I’m wearing a flowy, floral printed, elbow sleeve midi dress with animal print wedge sandals. Light tan leather work bag, which I carry 99% of the time.
– day, if it matters: I have zero in person or zoom meetings but will be in the office all day and a volunteer meeting tonight.
Anon
Pandemic tan pants from The Gap (randomly bought in +2 sizes from 2019 size, very very soft and washable, half elastic waist not visible from front)
Printed fancy loose tee untucked (hides elastic waist), also washable
Cashmere cardigan (A/C is too high at work)
Snake-printed leather flats that are v. comfy
Forgot earrings today, but usually wear them when I go to the office.
Office is casual, but it is too humid for thick jeans outside now (and most of my jeans are skinnies or flares hemmed for 2″ heeled boots, so holding off until it’s well into fall).
Anon
Today I’m in the office with no meetings at all and have to go straight to a back to school night where I need to lug a ton of school supplies. I’m wearing a black Gap jumpusit – with a colorful blazer over it. Accessorizing with funky earrings from a local maker, a blue surgical mask, and black heels.
Before the pandemic, I wouldn’t have ever worn something like this on a non-Friday. Now? I look perfectly professional and nobody will bat an eye. I also look much more modern.
pugsnbourbon
Your outfit sounds great! I also have class today and am going into the office this afternoon. Wearing a gray top from Uniqlo, black skinny jeans from Gap Factory, and Merrell sandals from 6pm. Small gold huggie earrings. Will probably swap sandals for loafers when I go in.
Diana Barry
Ha! I also need inspiration but for stuff that is comfy and goes with sneakers. ;). Today I just came from PT so I am wearing an Athleta support tank (purple stripe), Athleta joggers (black), Altra sneakers, and a Uniqlo fleece.
Anon
A vintage blazer in kind of a chunky tweed, a cashmere v-neck sweater with a pattern that looks almost like televisor distortion, jeans, loafers.
Anon
ETA: It’s solidly fall where I am. I’m back in the office but hardly anybody else is, so who knows if I’ll even talk to another person IRL today. Lately I’ve been on a Dressing Up (By My Office’s Standards) kick. I’m sick of pandemic clothes and want to wear pretty things again.
Anon
Same — tired of pandemic clothes.
amberwitch
Beige Kenzo blazer with large pink-red-green flower pattern and matching top + beige maxi skirt and pink flats from Üterque
Anon
I have decided I am no longer OK judging my outfits by whether they are flattering and cute and instead by whether I think they are comfortable and inspire me to live the life I want to be living. That shift has led to a wardrobe that does really excite me, maybe think about what you want out of your wardrobe and that will lead you somewhere
OOTD I wore leather sandals, stretchy black pants that look like jeans but feel like heavy leggings, a hip-length sleeveless sweater open on the sides except for two waist ties, and a silk tank underneath
Cb
I got on a plane this am and gosh, that was weird. I bought the new Sally Rooney novel at the airport bookshop, had a nice cup of tea and got on a (mostly empty) intra UK flight. Meeting some new colleagues, orienting myself in the city, and hopefully finding a decent room to rent.
Anokha
I feel jealous at the thought of an airport bookshop!
Cb
They are amazing. And always buy one get one half off, with the airport exclusive paperbacks. Now lying on my bed in a hotel room after having bahn mi for lunch – food that I didn’t make myself.
Anonymous
Is there a legal defense fund to support the people who will be sued under the new TX abortion ban? Everything I’ve read encourages me to donate to PP or TX abortion rights advocates – which is great – but I also want to help regular people who are going to incur legal expenses because they’ll get sued for anything and nothing. I want to support abortion rights but I don’t want others to get left behind – like the women who are going to be forced to litigate their miscarriage or stillbirth because a coworker is convinced they had an abortion.
Anon
If/When/How is an amazing org with a legal defense fund and support services for individuals whose abortions have been criminalized and I imagine they will be supporting Texas issues as well.
Note however that the anti-abortion movement in Texas is likely not going to be actually pursuing people. They have achieved their goal of stoping abortions; if they actually pursue a court case it creates standing and a court can enjoin the law. Individuals may go off but may not be en masse, which is terrifying in its own way.
Anonymous
No, they haven’t achieved their goal of stopping abortions. They’ve just stopped most safe, legal abortions. There’s an enormous difference and we absolutely still need to focus on helping women right now.
Anonymous
Anyone have a recommendation for the best fund supporting women to cross the border and access abortion in neighboring states? Women-centered, please. The Lyft drivers etc matter too but not as much as women right now.
pugsnbourbon
Texas Equal Access Fund and the Yellowhammer fund come to mind. You can look up the National Network of Abortion Funds for more.
Anonymous
The Satanic temple! I just made a $66 donation. They are going to file suit that this is an infringement of their religious liberties to have abortions.
anonymous
Genuine question: do you really think that this will be helpful?
Anonymous
I do! They have a history of activism, and notoriety, and I think both can help here.
Anonymous
The person getting the abortion themselves can’t be used under this law. Just the people that provided the abortion or helped her get it. No one is currently providing abortion past 6 weeks in Texas right now, so no one should actually be able to be sued under the law today. But if clinics do start violating the law, you could support them directly through donations to those clinics. All that said, self-induced abortion is still illegal in Texas so women getting pills by mail could be prosecuted for that. If/When/How is the place to donate to support those women/people. Otherwise, if you want to help people access abortion directly, I would donate to abortion funds in Texas because they’ll help them pay for travel out of state. Signed, someone who works in this field on this issue
Anonymous at 12:02 PM
SUED not USED. Typo!
New role
A month ago I applied for an entry level data analyst position. Yesterday I got to have an interview with HR where the person proposed a different position instead of the one I originally applied for, he said he did this based on my experience. For context, I have been trying to transition out of academic research where I wore many hats e.g. previous posts involved data analysis, project coordination, and research. The position the recruiter proposed yesterday still includes data analysis using R, the language I already use, but includes new responsibilities such as mentoring interns or junior analysts. When I applied for the entry level position, I did it because I found the work and the company interesting even though I did feel my experience put me above entry level, but at the time the company had no other opportunities either.
I want to ask the recruiter to put my name forward for the other position which is more of a project management role–this is actually the job title they are using. In academia, I did supervise students, but I know managing people in a corporate setting is different. If I do get this job what are some of the things I should know about project management in a corporate setting? And finally what are some good questions to ask in the interview process about the organisation, team etc? I already feel confident about my technical background, looking for more insight into the people skills side because my previous job was in a rather toxic environment, so I feel that in my past I have not seen many good examples of managers. Also if I am managing a team, I definitely want to be an effective manager. Thanks in advance.
Anonymous
This may depend a bit on the organization, but in my experience as a hiring manager it would be possible to expire both. Have you spoken with the HR rep yet about the roles? I will often see a resume or interview a candidate and pass them off to a colleague. In fact, my husband got his current job this way.
New role
OP here :
” it would be possible to expire both”—Do you mean it would be possible to explore both?
When I spoke to the HR yesterday he told me that they spoke “internally”, he did not specify with whom, and that based on my experience he thought I should apply for the more senior role. In fact he specifically asked, “is there any particular reason you applied for the junior data analyst position(this is the actual job title)?”. I responded by saying what I wrote in my post–the company and what they do is interesting, and the other role he was talking about was not in their online listing. The two job descriptions are almost identical except the project manager role has the supervision aspects, i.e. of interns and junior analysts. From the conversation yesterday he seemed to want me to pick one, i.e. either stay with the entry level job or say I prefer the project manager role he sent me.
Anonymous
So you want the lower role? I would apply for the more senior one and when interviewing talk about your preferences.
Anon
Apply for the senior position only. The entry-level is truly entry-level and they do not want you in it.
Anon
Yeah, I think he’s telling you that the company thinks you’re overqualified for the entry-level role.
Curious
Given your answers so far, I’m inclined to say this is less like a standard project management role and more like a data analyst manager role (and, to be honest, they should title it that way. Calling it project management seems like an excuse to pay you less). You’d want to think about supervisory basics — how to get results on time without micromanaging, how to handle colleagues’ need for a due date if a project is exploratory and timing hard to estimate, how you’d triage incoming urgent requests and protect your team’s time.
Anon.
I’d ask who your main internal stakeholders are and what the types of projects would be. For example, would you oversee and assign people on your team to market data insight projects catering to an external-facing commercial part of your organization, e.g. doing analysis on sales numbers? Or would your stakeholders be marketing teams seeking customer insights for targeted campaigns? What are timelines for such projects? Turnover in a day vs. weeks for research as part of strategic initiatives?
Basically, where is your group located in the organization and how does it interact with other units and also the external world?
Anon
Apply for the senior role. They’ve already removed you from consideration for the entry level role.
Anon
Not sure if there are SC people here, but I first caught wind of the Murdaugh lawyer family drama earlier this summer via the Daily Mail and OMFG that story keeps on going. Interested in any sense on how this is from a local perspective.
Anon
I fell into this rabbit hole last night when I couldn’t sleep. It’s insane. I’m so curious what happened.
Anon
Right? I am insanely curious as who killed the son and the mom (I’m convinced the mom was wrong place/wrong time), but there are so many suspects for the son.
I also think that the dad getting shot was just a diversion. Car trouble? Lonesome country road? I know hunters and they think that there are “accidents” and accidents and that this is fishy.
Anonymous
No way was this an accident. I think husband did it, organized an accidental shooting for cover, then accidentally got shot worse than he planed on.
Sleuth
Wow this is a new angle. I hadn’t thought of that either. But if the dad organised the killing of the mother, what is the motive for killing his own son? I think the poster below who says it was retribution for the deaths the son was involved in could be right. It seems more plausible to me.
Anonymous
Maybe dad was ashamed that the son brought the family into ‘disrepute’? They were a pretty well regarded family in the area until the son came along.
Anon
Re the dad killing the son, why now? Son looks to have been a bad apple for a while. And why also the wife?
Anonymous
Maybe sons a bad apple because dad was always abusing him and his mom
Anon
11:46 — nothing I’ve read suggested that. Are you just guessing?
Anonymous
Yeah aren’t we all just guessing?
anon
I am fascinated by it too. My totally based on nothing but reading lots of mysteries theory is that the son was the target of the original killing and that it was retribution for either the death of the young woman in the boating DUI or the still-open hit and run death of the young man a few years prior (since that investigation has been publicly linked to this), because someone who cared about one or both of those people assumed there wouldn’t be justice given the son’s connection to a politically powerful family. No idea what to make of the dad’s shooting, since some of the press conferences make it sound like local law enforcement is slightly skeptical of the story.
Anon
Isn’t there also a housekeeper who died and they paid $$$ to settle things?
anon
WHOA, I didn’t know that!
Anon
Yeah I think the son was killed by the families of one of those people. There’s no way the dad’s shooting was an accident. It was either attempted suicide, a dr*g deal gone bad or a set up to deflect suspicion for himself. He had resigned from his law firm the day before (after embezzling millions) and apparently has an opioid addiction, so the timing is way too coincidental to just be an accident.
Anonymous
It sounds like you aren’t even caught up on the last 24 hours! The dad got fired from his law firm and tens of millions of dollars are missing from trust accounts and he has entered rehab. The day after “being shot”.
Anonymous
Ohhh my theory that dad did it all incl arranging his own shooting is looking good
Anon
Maybe he had the mother shot for life insurance and the son shot because life insurance or avoiding paying heavy legal fees. Then he had himself shot (who notices that you pass a trucker who “doubles back” on the road?) to cover for it.
Anon
Omg this story gets nuttier and nuttier!!
Anonymous
I think dad shot the mom and son. Then when he got fired from the firm for embezzlement, he was going to shoot himself but missed and changed his mind, so claimed it was an accident.
This is totally going to end up as a tv movie.
Anon
Disagree a bit — a movie could not cover the breadth of scope — the teen killed in the road, the girl killed in the boat accident, the house keeper. It is definitely a 1980s-era miniseries. What a saga.
Anon
He apparently has a solid alibi for the killings of his son and wife, but he could have hired it. The only thing is they were killed using a family gun and I assume professional hit men would bring their own gun? So I’m leaning more toward the family of one of the son’s victims wanting revenge/knowing justice would never be done in court.
Anon
In that part of SC, I assume that everyone is armed. But everyone probably knows this family really has guns at its hunting lodge. Would be nicely ironic to have been shot with one of them. But also, I suspect that there is a bit of amateur hour afoot here (but if you shoot them with your own gun, you have to toss your perfectly good gun and good guns are expensive (plus, if you do any shooting on your property, there will be shells they can match in trees, etc.)). I don’t know them, but I do know rural people who hunt big time in the SEUS (like never rob a mom & pop gas station b/c those people are armed and will shoot).
Patricia Gardiner
Yes! My theory: he knew the embezzlement was going to come out and he wanted to “spare” his family the embarrassment. (Also, their life insurance might have helped him pay back firm money). Then arranged his own shooting to take attention off himself.
Anon
And there is apparently another son who seems to barely get any press mentions, so maybe is normal and living as an accountant or something else typical and boring.
CPA Lady
*gasps in faux outrage*
Anonymous
The other son may have been the lover of the first person who ended up dead in this saga, back in 2015.
Anon
Au contraire. That kid is all over the story about the dead teen in the road. Nothing implicates him at all, but he is mentioned more than the brother who was murdered.
anon
This is going to be a fantastic podcast in a couple years.
Anon
So true. Even better than the one about the law professor and wife and her dental family that hated him and changed the kids’ last names and hired some really bad guns for hire.
pugsnbourbon
Ahhhhh yes! That one’s wild!
Honestly with the rate of crime podcasts we’ll see one in 6 months, tops.
Anon
That case is so tragic. Dan’s parents still haven’t been able to reunite with their grandchildren. My heart just breaks for their family, to lose their son and then to lose all access to their grandchildren. Unimaginable.
Anon
I have very strong opinions about this one. You don’t get to kill your kids’ father and cut them off from the non-murderous part of the family. I know that the ex-wife didn’t do it, but everyone else in her family has gotten awfully lucky in not getting charged with complicity in the murder. My opinion, of course. But how do you connect the dots otherwise here?
Anon
She didn’t pull the trigger but I’m not convinced she didn’t know of the plot. Her family members certainly did. It’s crazy that none of them have been charged and that they’re successfully keeping the kids from Dan’s family. And it’s not like the kids were babies who will never remember their grandparents – this is a real, tangible loss for the kids, in addition to the tragic loss of their father. It’s all so awful.
Anonymous
Need link to this story pls
Anon
Dan Markel /Wendi Adelson. Above the Law wrote about it pretty extensively at the time.
Coach Laura
Oh, yes. I saw this on Dateline – episode called “Cold Blooded”.
PLB
Not in or from SC but I read the story about it in NYT this morning and then also went down a rabbit hole on all the offshoot stories. Holy cow!
Anon
I am sure others will disagree, but I think leather works best in the corporate world on women who are not young. I recall seeing a woman in her 70s on a big corporate board, and she rocked the leather. The look was pure power. Since then, I have noticed this with several other women. I think it’s harder to pull off if the wearer is younger. Totally agree that leather requires thought, and cannot be too short or too tight without sending a vibe that looks more club (remember those?) than board room.
Anon
I kind of agree. Or that it is best worn in a Shiv Roy way and not in any way as clubwear. Also, I may have forgotten how to dress well, but these shoes are totally wrong. I think it needs like a 2″ chunky-ish-heel closed-toe black pumps.
pugsnbourbon
The shoes in 90% of retail photos are wrong, at least to my eye.
I actually really, really like this skirt and I think it’s less age than confidence that determines if you can pull it off.
Anonymous
I read somewhere (here?) that the models get to pick their shoes, so you can be reasonably certain that the shoes the model is wearing in non-shoe shots are pretty comfortable.
LaurenB
I find it hard to believe models get to pick their shoes.
Anon
Agree. This skirt with a simple cashmere sweater would be amazing.
Anon
Definiotely agree. Tipsy heeled sandals with this power skirt just undermine it.
Anonymous
Agreed, some things only work on women who have sufficient clout. I once knew a very senior woman trial lawyer who would wear white knee high boots with an all white suit, or all pink including pink cowboy boots (Texas), to jury trials. She was a force to be reckoned with. Similarly, a very senior lawyer in my office regularly wears leather and lace to great effect. I’m so glad to have these style icons, that’s how I want to dress when I’ve built my book!
LaurenB
The shoes are all wrong. They need to be chunkier and honestly when I rocked a black leather skirt as a woman of a certain age, I would wear black tights. The naked leg and/or nude hose is all wrong.
NYNY
I don’t love black leather as office wear, but agree it needs some gravitas. And it’s best with a soft fabric on top for textural contrast, so silk blouse or cashmere sweater, but never an oxford blouse. Stiff + stiff can look cartoonish. I had a chocolate brown suede pencil skirt many moons ago, and I would totally snatch that up again – it somehow worked with everything!
Anonymous
+1 leather looks bad@ss on a 50 year old CEO, but on a 20 something (such as myself) it would just result in a bunch of inappropriate comments.
anon
Leather is tough to pull off since the tailoring needs to be 100% on point to get that sense of gravitas. My suspicion that it tends to work best on women with gravitas is that they are the group who know what clothes work for them and have the tailoring 100% on point. Also, getting that takes uhmm… a certain budget to insure soft pliable leather. Not saying younger women can’t pull it off, you just don’t typically see the budget + tailoring until women reach a certain point in their career.
Anon
Agree. This skirt seems too tight on the waist / hip (like I think I am seeing the outline of hip bones?). Not sure re the front slit. Would rather this be very basic if it is going to be in leather (slit in back) and not visibly tight anywhere.
I think it’s a Friday look when I have something after work (have worn mine, from Talbots of all places) with a white shell and camel cardigan and Nancy Pelosi pearls.
Anon
I have a gorgeous Antonio Melani leather skirt with seams and soft pliable leather. Bought it in my late 30s and it looks great with a cashmere sweater.
LaurenB
Agree. The leather skirt that I had was actually a deep gray which read as black, and it was soft as butta.
Anon
I binge watched Clickbait on Netflix over the weekend and noticed that Betty Gabriel’s character frequently wears leather skirts. And she looked amazing in them. They were all longer length and paired with a more modest or conservative blouse. I think her ensembles would be appropriate in even the most conservative office.
BeenThatGuy
I watched that too and 100% agree. The camel colored leather skirt was perfection!
Anon
Totally agree, in the same way that cookie cutter suits are for going women and non matching separates work best on a woman with some experience clout. (That’s me!)
Anon
I should add, a black leather mini is never office appropriate – I’m sure that’s obvious to this group but wasn’t obvious to a former coworker so I thought I’d throw it out there. She was at a level where a skirt like the feathered skirt would possibly have added to her gravitas, but the mini did the opposite.
Anon
I thought I had gotten two mosquito bites on two of my big knuckles on one hand a month or so ago. Now, they don’t itch. They are raised and a bit pinker than my skin. Are they warts of some sort (and do I freeze them off or just go into a doctor (and a normal doctor can handle?))? I had a weird growth on one knee years ago that had to be frozen / cut off, but this knuckle thing is much smaller.
Anon
I think the obvious answer after a month is “see a doctor.” A good pharmacist might have helped navigate OTCs for symptom management, but I think the stuff that goes away on its own would have gone away on its own by now?
For me this would be dyshidrotic eczema, but I may be picturing it all wrong.
Anonymous
I got a mosquito bite like this on my arm years ago. It’s still there and fug. Dermatologist says I can’t do anything about it (or maybe she even tried to freeze it off and it didn’t do anything). Sometimes I put retinol on it at night but I’ve come to think it’s a waste of retinol.
Anonymous
It may be a dermatofibroma. I had an insect bite on my behind that stopped itching but never went away. It is darker and feels like a hardened pimple, but nothing happens when you squeeze it. The dermatologist said the only option was surgical removal, but it doesn’t bother me that much, so I haven’t gone that route (yet).
Anon
I have a black leather pencil skirt and I wore it in the fall/winter a lot when I worked in the office, usually with a black cashmere turtleneck or burgundy wool v-neck sweater, tights, and a block heel pump. Always got tons of compliments (from women) when I wore it.
Anonymous
For in house attorneys, how do you stay organized? When I was at a firm, I worked on a large number of transactions and never had any tracking system – I just remembered everything. Deals followed the same general task patterns or were in signing mode so I didn’t have to really think.
I’m now in house and although I manage a similar number of matters, there are many more tasks – each project is very different; more stakeholders to coordinate with; more reminders to send, direct reports to delegate to. I also had an illness that impacted my memory a bit so I need a system for the first time.
Everything I’ve tried feels very time consuming – I end up spending 30+ minutes a day making lists, etc. Is that normal for organized people and it’s just new to me? And any suggestions for tracking/systems?
Anon
Not in house, but coming from a similar place of ‘I used to do a million things and just remember everything’ and now I have needed to be the person more accountable for driving work product (so I have less of a safety net).
I have weekly or biweekly check-ins for each major program area and team I deal with. For each of these, I keep a running work plan which I update once a week. I have all our major projects on there including next steps and current status. I just do mine in Excel after trying several different ‘fancier’ programs. These weekly meetings make sure nothing falls through the cracks.
For everyday things, I have a notebook that I make lists on. For each item on the list, I do a check if I’ve done the relevant task, but don’t cross it off until the entire activity is actually done. For example, I need to send an email to Mr. X on the Y matter, so I send the email and check it off, but don’t cross the entire item off the list until I’ve gotten Mr. X’s response. I do flag emails and set aside a chunk of time (usually Friday afternoons) to go thorugh my flagged emails. Any deadlines go into my calendar right away as an alert for 15 minutes before I start my workday.
I would say that overall, I probably spend more time than that managing my projects, but that’s also part of my job. They pay me to make sure things happen, and part of that is being organized.
Anonymous
Not an attorney but I just moved from auditing to consulting. Similar situation in that audits all pretty much follow similar process/timeline but consulting projects can vary pretty widely. I started using OneNote about 6 weeks ago and have found it very helpful. I use a tab a week to track my to-do lists. At the end of the week I can copy the tab to roll for the next week so I’m not starting to-do lists over every week. I also use a tab for each project I’m working on. I’ve found these different tabs helpful in that I keep notes from calls and links to relevant documents all in one place.
anon
In-house here as well — I use my inbox as my running to-do list. An email comes in? Great, I either address it right then or it’s kept in my inbox until I provide a response.
Anon
I definitely spend 20 minutes a day reviewing project status and updating lists, though 30+ seems like a lot. I keep a calendar invite that I update daily with an entry for each project and the sub tasks that need to be done.
MJ
You need a kanban board like in trello or monday.com. Quarterly goals are good.
Kanban should have several swimlanes (columns).
Icebox/Parking lot lane – things that people have suggested need to be done, but may not meet priorities. A place to put “someday” projects or project that have sprung up in the past week. On Fridays, check the icebox and move to your “Prioritized for this week” lane.
Prioritized for This Week lane – just what it sounds like. Make sure you leave about 50% of your working time for ad-hoc projects.
In process – what you are working on this minute. Right then. Not earlier in the AM, not later. This gives you the discipline to revisit your kanban many times per day, and to really think about how you next spend your time every time you task-switch.
OFC (Internal) – the out for comment internal lane. This helps you track what is off your plate but may come roaring back.
OFC (External) – Same idea, but when you’ve flipped comments or a draft to another party outside your org.
OFS (Internal) – out for signature.
OFS (Extneral) – out for signature with other side.
Complete- this lane is very helpful for monthly reviews, OKRs, and self-reviews–you can see all you’ve done.
On the “cards” that go with each project, I put the date that the project was rec’d date started, and trello/jira/monday can keep track of when I last touched it. I also put the requestor (name, dept) and attach any relevant attachments or notes.
Hope this helps. The system is the bomb.
Anon
Have an interview to switch from tech in O&G to tech in healthcare. I’m sure “why are you looking” is going to come up. What is a PC way to say “I’m sick of being surrounded by MAGA lunatics who hate women?”
Anon
Healthcare loves to emphasize their “community helper” aspect. Just say you love your work, but realized you’d love to help society as well, and you are excited that this organization [serves the community/ provides medicine for others/ etc].
If they’ve got public statements about tangible diversity initiatives or have lots of women/POC leaders or otherwise demonstrate inclusion, you can also say something about you’re looking for a culture where traditionally disadvantaged groups are championed to grow into leaders.
Anon
You could say you are interested in working in a new field, discuss the things you find interesting about healthcare, and how tech can make it better etc
Anon
Healthcare mission is more aligned with your personal values, while allowing you to leverage your tech skill set.
Anon
This is a great answer.
Anon
My go to phrase is…
I’m looking to continue my growth in X speciality within a different industry after so many years in my current one. I’m interested in this industry because….
Ses
“Looking for the right culture fit” is the translation of that, but I would lead with what interests you about the role/ their company.
Anonymous
I’m in Healthcare tech. We hear “I want to help fix the broken system” a lot.
Anon
I just did this (O&G to healthcare tech) and cited 1. Wanting to move into an industry that is stable (v cyclical for O&G), growing, and forward-looking (v traditional/trying to live in the past v renewables which are the future) 2. Wanting to move into healthcare specifically (leaning into the caring mission) 3. In some cases I did go further into the culture issues in connection with the “traditional” v “forward-looking” culture from 1, if I thought the person might have interesting context for culture. I also used “cowboy” versus “community oriented” work. Culture was a big reason I moved so it was important that I also found the RIGHT company to move to.
Notinstafamous
Ok where should I suggest my MIL go shopping? She has asked for advice for a wardrobe refresh.
Profile: almost 70, probably a size 8-10, had gotten on a health kick and lost weight / started walking every day, so none of her clothes fit. Widowed a couple years ago and I think really looking to revamp her style and feel happy and comfortable and put together (doesn’t care about trends, but doesn’t want to feel dumpy).
Current aesthetic is essentially frumpy Midwestern mother from the early 90s with a lot of poly and slacks. Budget is mid range (BR / everlane / j crew would be my budget guesses), but lives close to a large city so there are options beyond Walmart. If she goes to a Macys or similar department store she gravitates towards the same clothes she has because they’re similar, not because she likes them. I don’t know what brands to look for or where to take her that would have nice options and styles she can look at.
Anonymous
Talbots? Chico’s?
Anon
Talbots? Chico’s?
Anon
These sound like exactly where MIL purchased her current polyester wardrobe. Lands End has some natural fibers, but the cut and colors are very polyester pants look.
Anonymous
Nordstrom personal shopper, with instructions to focus on less spendy brands such as the Nordstrom house brands. Also maybe a personal stylist at Evereve, if available in your area.
Avoid Macy’s and its ilk. So much sad polyester.
Anon
Talbots is where you need to start.
Anon
Agree — they have good sports clothes now. Also, there may be an Athleta where she lives and I see grandmothers there all the time. They are very size inclusive (so her size is normal, not at the max size of fitness wear).
My mom swears by Talbots.
aBr
From doing something similar with my mom, my advice is to start with a really cute, kick @$$ sweater, jacket or coat, that will go well with updated jeans. Of all places, Lululemon has a good track record of slightly punchier sweaters and coats without being too outside her comfort zone. Once you get that piece, it works as a bridge to more modern pant options (aka jeans and updated minnie trousers) because it doesn’t go well with slacks. Other places I’ve had good luck with clothing for mom, on the low side – Walmart actually has some solid jeans and basic tops/cami options and on the high end stalking sale sections at Nordstroms/Neimans/Saks. Loft is ok, but the quality is a bit meh at times.
Anon
Talbots Outlet.
KateL
Talbots? Their catalogue came the other day – great fall colors, a good cross section of pants and lovely sweaters.
Minnie Beebe
Chico’s?
Or I’d recommend that she look into a personal stylist, at Macy’s or another department store. There’s one Macy’s stylist (no commission!) whose name always comes up on one of the Mom f*cebook groups I’m on (I’m in the Chicago area) who everyone seems to love, and I imagine there are people in your MILs area who do the same.
Anonymous
I’m going through this with my mom who is in her mid 60’s, so interested to read the replies. We’ve had some good luck with J.Jill – they have a lot of casual but still nice pieces.
Anonymous
J. McLaughlin in addition to the others mentioned already
NYCer
+1. My mom likes J. McLaughlin a lot. (She’s a “young” age 70, size 6/8.)
Smokey
As someone in her early sixties, I very much agree with the suggestion of Talbots. Their sales clerks are extremely helpful and will make lots of suggestions and bring tons of clothes into the dressing room for you to try on. Plus, their dressing rooms are really nice! Go on a weekday when the store is quiet and watch for their sales.
Anonymous
Oh, my goodness, no to Talbots. That’s the way to go from frumpy midwestern mom to frumpy grandma.
Anon
This. Go to the same stores you would, Banana, JCrew, etc. age isn’t a sentence to death by frump.
Anon
Have you actually looked at Talbots catalog or website lately? I used to feel this way, but the last few years they have produced a LOT of cute stuff that looks great on their models, most of whom appear to be in their 30s or 40s (although there are still occasional frumpy pieces mixed in, it’s not hard to avoid them). I shop there almost exclusively. I’m a middle-aged Midwestern mom and don’t care if I look like one, but I don’t look like a grandma and I get a lot of compliments on my clothes from other moms, most of whom are significantly younger than me.
Anon
These looks (esp. 1-5) do not scream “grandma” to me: https://www.talbots.com/life-and-style/looks-you-need-now?intcmp=20210831_lifestylemenuimage_looks
I have the dress in 3, the jacket and shoes in 4 and the sweater in 5 and I wear them all regularly. I think I’ve gotten more compliments on that sweater dress than just about anything else I’ve ever worn. I’m 38, for reference.
Anon
Yikes, sorry but those are terrible. None of those are remotely stylish.
Anon
I didn’t say it was stylish in the sense of being “on trend” (I don’t particularly care about trends and my area is way behind the times on trends anyway) but it doesn’t look like the clothes were designed for 60+ year olds. The women I know who are that age mostly want longer hemlines and baggier cuts. The fit of Talbots clothes is very similar to J. Crew/GAP/Banana.
Anon
Wasn’t the point of the question though where to take MIL to get stylish, on-trend, not frumpy clothes? Those linked outfits absolutely look like old lady clothes and not the point.
LaurenB
Talbots has some stuff that is cuter than you think it would be. Ditto with Chico’s. You just have to be selective.
Anonymous
This isn’t her question, but I found the book “The Curated Closet” invaluable when I wanted to dress more deliberately. It helped me refine what I was looking for.
Senior Attorney
If she does online shopping, she might want to check out the fall capsule wardrobe at youreverydaystyle dot com, which is coming out on Friday. The great thing about it is that it has tons of links for actual pieces in a variety of prices and sizes. I am 62 and have bought the last two capsules and really enjoyed them.
Senior Attorney
Failing that, I say no to Talbots and yes to J Crew and Banana Republic.
Seventh Sister
Talbots is a lot less staid and frumpy than was in the 1990s. The cuts are more current (though also pretty generous) and plenty of colors apart from gray or navy. That said, I’d recommend going to a store and doing their sort-of-personal-shopper thing if she gravitates towards the same stuff every time.
Chicos has a lot of stuff that’s pretty “meh,” but their pants are actually great.
Another thought is Uniqlo. Once you get past all of the puffer jackets and superhero t-shirts, they have a lot of linen shirts and simple sweaters that look chic. I actually like my Uniqlo cashmere sweaters better than the $$$$ J. Crew one I have in my drawer.
E
Maybe J Jill…and if there is a store, the salespeople are very helpful. And they usually have some sort of sale, I rarely pay full price for anything
Anon
I’d go for fancy art teacher and take her to everlane, eileen fisher
Anonymous
If she is asking you maybe she admires your style. Tell her where you shop.
Cc
Maybe a long shot but does anyone have a housekeeper they love in the Newton/Waltham area? Would prefer the same woman coming each time as opposed to a big company . Thank you !
Anon
I’m an emergency manager and I am so beyond burnt out that I’m looking to leave the field. There are definitely some issues that are specific to my office (toxic leadership, harassment), but a lot of the issues exist most places in the field (boys club, crazy hours, low pay, work on nights/ weekends/holidays). ITs been disaster after disaster after disaster and I just can’t work 16-18 hour days in a toxic environment for 50k any longer!
I’ve started looking into other fields I’m interested in, but am struggling to find something. I still want a job that helps people and makes an impact (and I do love the pressure/adrenaline of sn emergency and think I’d want some of that), but I really just want good work / life balance, flexibility and adequate pay.
Some careers I’ve thought about include teaching (TONS of teachers in my family – they all love it and make decent money but the school year schedule is very inflexible); nursing or a paramedic (they’re also all burnt out and I want to avoid shift work), public health (low pay) or social work (low pay). Looking for any suggestions on careers to consider.
I’ve also thought of getting a generic office job and joining the National Guard on the side to scratch my helping people/adrenaline itch.
Anon
Everyone I know in teaching and nursing is retiring or quitting. They expect you to give up your life (literally, look at the Covid death toll for teachers and health care workers) for mediocre pay.
What about project management? Sounds like you have the skillset, and it can be cushier depending on the industry.
Anon
Yeah there’s a lot of crossover in my skill set and project management – I really wanted a PMP but of course my job wouldn’t pay for it.
I think I’d just need to figure out which industry – any suggestions?
Monday
Just FWIW, I know a lot of both teachers and nurses, and none of them has quit or plans to quit their profession. I am also in health care and not quitting.
Anonymous
anecdotally, a lot of nurses are quitting to become travel nurses. Similar skills, 3x the income.
Anonymous
Community college instructor in a field like nursing or paramedic medicine or even emergency management if they have that? Teaching but not high school and might be an easy fit from where you are now. Regular schedule should make National Guard commitments easier (vs. a field where you work weekends and no set vacations etc).
Anon
I’m definitely not experienced enough for that – only been in the field for 5 years (and zero experience in nursing or paramedics). Was going to talk to my mom about teaching but would be interested in teaching high school history and coaching.
pugsnbourbon
You might be surprised – 5 years of on-the-ground experience would be plenty to get you a teaching role at my workplace. We have a homeland security program that includes emergency management coursework.
What about similar work in a different organization? Again, at my workplace we have a public safety staff that handles security, emergency response, etc. Theme parks and museums also need emergency response planners.
Anon
Oh that’s a good idea. Still in the field but not working for government would really limit what disasters I’m working on.
Anon
I worked at a Big Ten university and they definitely had all kinds of public safety staff for all kinds of situations; there was a large hospital complex, Big Ten sports events, campus teaching environment, dorms, research facilities, libraries, etc. etc. As pugsnbourbon wrote, any large organization with lots of people flowing in and out can use an emergency response planner.
Anonymous
Policy research could be a fit for you, although you’d be trading real emergencies for the occasional faux-emergency.
Anon
Thank you! My undergrad is in political science
Another Option
A little more upstream in the vein of “helping people”, have you considered a clinical research organization (CRO)? It sounds like you have project management skills and may be able to work briefly at the Clinical Trial Assistant (CTA) level and move quickly into a PM role. Tons of adrenaline, better pay than you have now, most positions are remote at the moment, and very interesting work.
Anon
I have never heard of this before but will look into it!
While I love being hands on helping, I think I’m okay with anything now as long as it’s a net positive for the world (like I have no interest actively harmful or even neutral industries, but something helpful that’s further up the chain is fine with me)
House shopping
Has anyone else been in this housing market and want to commiserate? I’m ready to drop out, but I’m not convinced things are going to get any better in the short term.
Anonymous
Yes! It’s brutal! I went for it and bought a place. Felt INSANE to spend the money for the place I bought. But I made that decision based on 1) current situation wouldn’t work for another year, let alone two and that’s what I think the market would need to cool down, 2) I think a lot of structural issues may prevent the market cooling down (lack of new housing coming on the market, hopefully still a desirable city long term etc.), 3) moving and then moving again in 2-3 years also comes with transaction costs, and 4) I have the money and can afford it. Maybe it’s not as good of an investment, but my life is not a financial services product and I am so much happier with a dedicated office for WFH instead of my bedroom and a little outdoor space.
Good luck!
Anonymous
Yes me too! But I am not dropping out, because it isn’t goi f to get better and I want a new house! The supply is just so low in my area and the home that have popped recently are in terrible shape. I have been looking for a long time, but there isn’t anything I can do except keep looking. My budget is pretty high for what I need, so making a change there won’t help.
Anonymous
I dropped out of a very hot market about 15 years ago. Made offers on 5 places and they all fell through. My broker had been with me every weekend for 4 months and telling him was the hardest part.
Market crashed 3 years later, just as I was getting married – if I’d gotten any of those tiny apartments I would have been stuck there. I looked up my broker and he showed me and my husband a few apartments; we got the first apartment we bid on.
When we sold a few years later we called the same broker and he got double commission because the buyers didn’t have one and they liked him. Then I made a few other referrals and those turned into sales and commissions for my broker, too.
I’m sure I was persona non grata 15 years ago but I hope I’ve made up for it since.
Anon
I think the market has cooled down a bit where we are, based on the low stagnant inventory. All of it sucks. Honestly I cannot believe people have the audacity to list these homes on the market at the prices they are asking for. Part of me wants to pack up and move back to my hometown where my dollar will go so much further.
Anon
In my market (northern VIrginia) things have cooled down considerably. Things not selling first weekend, selling with 1 offer at/below asking. So, stay in there
Anonymous
Seriously? In N Va myself – vaguely but not seriously looking at townhouses. Maybe there is hope? Any thoughts on areas that have cooled off – like is it more SFHs etc?
Anon
Yep… supply still seems like such an issue and prices are so high, but I’m as much, or more, worried About inflation and having my down payment sitting and basically an interest free savings account for another year so I’m still trying to buy.
Anonymous
I need advice about whether and how to talk to DH about an issue that came up at our wedding a few weeks ago. We had a microwedding but DH was adamant that he didn’t want the ceremony to include anyone but parents. Each of us has one sister. I pleaded with DH to let our sisters come but he said it was literally the only thing he had a strong preference about so I agreed. My sister was hurt but she understood; my mother was less understanding but I got her mostly calmed down before the wedding.
We rented a small house for the wedding. DH’s sister stayed with us but mine did not (my sister has a big family and we couldn’t house them all, DH’s sister is single). I asked DH many times including the night before the wedding if he had told his sister she isn’t coming to the ceremony. He said “she knows”; I said that’s not an answer, how does she know, please don’t just assume everything will work out, you’re going to cause WWIII with my family if your sister comes but mine doesn’t and no you cannot make a a gametime decision because my sister won’t be there.
Well his sister tagged along to the ceremony. By the time I saw her it was too late to say anything. Right before the ceremony, my MOH intercepted his sister and asked nicely, “ohhhh are you sure you’re going, I thought it was just parents,” and sister looked confused and said yeah I guess I’m going why wouldn’t I? So I think DH never talked to her, I don’t think SIL knew she wasn’t supposed to be there and came anyway. My family is beside themselves and I hear about it every time I talk to any of them. I’m pretty upset too because I wanted my sister to be there, and I’m regretting compromising with DH. I know it wasn’t malicious, he’s not great about confrontation or feelings so I think he would be surprised to learn that everyone’s feelings are deeply hurt. There’s nothing to be done about it now but I feel like I should talk to him about it. I will do my best to shield him when we visit with my family but my mother will 100% make some passive aggressive comment(s). I also don’t know how to talk to my family about this without throwing my husband under the bus; they’re all mad at his sister and I don’t think that’s fair. Help?
Anon
Honestly I think it’s super, super weird that he didn’t want anyone’s sister there. An extra 2 people wouldn’t have had an impact.
Allie
What? This is the only thing he cared about but he didn’t execute it or say anything in the moment? How is your communication generally? I know people think that therapy is over-recommended here, but if this isn’t just a one-off totally fluke thing I’d do counseling stat. Life is going to require a TON of coordination and if your husband can’t effectively execute his top priority that’s going to be very very difficult.
OP
He’s pushed himself way outside his comfort zone to communicate effectively with me, which I really appreciate. He tends toward conflict avoidance for sure. I think he fell back on head-in-sand avoidance tactics with his family rather than apply all the lessons he’s learned about communicating with me.
Anonymous
Apparently not if you’re still asking yourself whether you should say something about this massive massive issue
Anonymous
Oh girl, no.
Anon
That isn’t what this situation is about. HE made the “no sisters” rule, not you, and then invited his own sister. That is not conflict avoidance; that is conflict CREATION.
Anon
“He’s pushed himself way outside his comfort zone to communicate effectively with me, which I really appreciate” That’s great, but probably isn’t going to be good enough for a whole marriage.
anon
For real. Couples therapy, stat.
Anon
He shouldn’t have to go “outside his comfort zone” to talk to his wife.
Anon
You are lying to yourself and you are lying to us. None of this is ok and he doesn’t get brownie points for pushing himself out of his comfort zone just to barely discuss this with you.
Honestly I’d consider annulment over this. I would.
Anon
Ditto.
Anon
Girl, run. This is the giant red flag from Les Mis.
Anonymous
I would throw him under the bus but let him know the bus is coming.
I’ve been married 15 years. This dude will be learning a few lessons the hard way.
Anon
He didn’t want YOUR sister there, and he executed it flawlessly. You married a liar in “I’m bad at confrontation” clothing.
Monday
I’d say this is the worst case scenario, but plausible. The best case is that he’s one of those “nice to everyone” people who creates messes around him for others to clean up while he plays innocent.
Anon
Nailed it. This was 100% planned to get HIS sister there and exclude your sister.
Anon
Or his single sister is “easy” and there is something about your sister and her large family that rubs him or his family the wrong way (innocent but just use your words and say it: unvaxxed kids; otherwise, noisy kids put him off or he extremely dislikes at least one of them).
Some people hate little kids, especially sharing close quarters with them, or “family mode” in general.
Anon
You can invite a sibling without inviting their kids. People have no kids weddings all the time, and Covid makes it even easier. There is clearly more to this story than him just not wanting the sister’s kids there.
Anon
+1 yup, he basically gaslit you into excluding your sister. No way was this an accident or avoiding confrontation.
Anon
This, unfortunately.
anon
+2, this is horrifying. I would not let this go. FWIW, I also had a microwedding, but it was totally mirrored on both sides (i.e. all our living parents and each of our siblings (and spouses/children) were there, but no one else). I would have flipped out if DH’s sister had shown up without my brother being invited.
test run
+1 “horrifying” is the word that immediately popped into my mind, too. This was INCREDIBLY manipulative and weird and honestly not something I’m sure I could recover from. Also not trying to make OP feel worse but why did no one in the moment say, “OMG okay so his sister is coming?? let’s get other sister on the phone stat so she can come, too!”
BeenThatGuy
Manipulative is the first word that came into my mind. He knew exactly what he was doing.
Anon
Would anyone else just have stopped the ceremony until their sister was allowed to join? 100% I would have been like, “oh, if your sister gets to be here my sister should be here too. Hold on and let me call her. We’ll wait until she can get here. Or, your sister can leave; your choice.”
Sorry but I think the OP/bride bears some responsibility here for continuing with the ceremony and pretending everything was cool when it was decidedly and definitively not cool. Better to stop the whole train on the tracks and get her sister there and then continue. Or put the whole thing on hold or (best idea I think) call it off. Of course now things are in a mess. I cannot imagine anything more insulting (as far as weddings go) as a family member than to be invited to stay where the wedding is being held, but be barred for the ceremony, and then find out later that the groom’s sister got to go to the ceremony and my own sister wouldn’t stick up for me being able to attend. It would take me a long, long time to get over this, if I ever did.
Anon
Yep. Hard to do if you have a bunch of friends and family there. But with 5 guests absolutely I would stop it.
Anon
It sure sounds that way to me. This is childlike behavior.
Anon
That’s rude to kids! Kids are inherently self-centered because their brains aren’t fully developed. This guy knew exactly what he was doing.
This is insane
This. Does he get along with your sister? Does he plan on apologizing profusely to your sister and family? I can’t imagine what it’ll be like when you have kids. Does he generally try to isolate you?
Anonymous
Yep, this.
KP
No advice but this needs to be dealt with seriously and quickly. Don’t let him sweep this under the rug. I can hardly think of a worse way to start a marriage.
Anon
Your husband, in your presence, needs to meet with your sister AND your parents and explain that he is 100% responsible for excluding your sister but including his, and explain how that happened. Honestly, I think this is huge and likely will poison relationships moving forward, perhaps including the marriage itself.
Anonymous
“perhaps including the marriage itself” is an optimistic way of looking at the likely outcome of this, imho. I feel that this advice is the only way of salvaging anything from this situation. I’m sad for you that this happened.
Anon
Ditto. I’d like to hear his side of the story and doubt it ends with me having any respect for him.
Anom
+1MM
Annony
I’m so sorry this happened to you. What a terrible way to begin a marriage, and I blame your husband 1000%. This will be difficult, but this conversation absolutely needs to happen (as the above poster describes) and how your husband handles it will say a lot about how viable this marriage is. If he isn’t willing (or able) to take responsibility for the damage he’s caused, not just to his relationships with your family, but to his relationship with you, and you with your family, then I am very very sorry to say that this will be a cancer that will eat away at your relationship with him, and your relationship with your family. “Literally the one thing I care about …” wedding non-negotiables are things like, songs one you hates, venue, time, etc. Not excluding someone dear to you.
Patricia Gardiner
Yup, this. There is no “throwing him under the bus,” this is 100% on him.
Anonymous
I’m sorry this happened on your wedding day and it must be really frustrating. I would bring it up but I think I’d not do it well and yell to be honest! So you have more restraint than me anyway. But my husband can be like this and I do think he doesn’t mean it but it’s just thoughtless or he often thinks things with his family don’t need to be spelled out when they do. In small stakes things it can be I ask him to check with his Mom when he’s on the phone if they want lunch when they are visiting on Saturday and he just won’t do it or says he did when he didn’t. His view is if they do we’ll just find something in the fridge which isn’t that easy or hospitable! I’m never sure why he won’t ask a simple question. Personally I’d tell him you are upset and your family are too, and ask for his side or the story maybe?
Anonymous
I agree your husband’s behaviour is probably frustrating. However, refusing to agree when your fiancee “begged” to have her SISTER attend her own WEDDING with the spurious reason “no sisters allowed”, and then ensuring that your own sister DID attend, is on a whole other level. Anon at 11:53 had constructive advice, I feel, but Anonymous at 11:58’s opinion as to the use of the proverbial bus is likely equally helpful. Unfortunately I feel we are WAY PAST “asking for his side of the story.”
Anonymous
I would get this marriage to a controlling jerk annulled. He knew exactly what he was doing. Throw him under the bus then run him over with it. Your sister was not allowed to attend? Why would you ever agree to that.
Anokha
Not an answer, but I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I am very close to my sibling, and I would be so hurt if they were excluded and my DH’s siblings weren’t.
hi hi hi
Funny you should mention that — my aunt and uncle married at least thirty years ago. It was a destination wedding and they purposefully only invited his brothers. My aunt claims that’s how they wanted it, but her sisters still think it is bull****. To this day, I know there are still hurt feelings about it. And, on top of that, he still does his part to keep my aunt from her sisters.
Anon
Right. This situation the OP describes is not a trivial issue. My dad’s brother and my aunt eloped 30 years ago and to her dying day my grandmother would talk about how heartbroken she was that she didn’t even know her son was getting married until after it happened. Families hold grudges for YEARS over things like this.
I personally think this was about the groom demonstrating to the bride that he is the one in control and in any situation, he will be the one calling the shots. It was a power play, not obliviousness or insensitivity. OP, if your husband does not take steps to rectify this you should run, run, run from this situation. This will not end well for you at all.
hi hi hi
Yeah, the person to be mad at here is your husband because it sounds like he lied to you. Yikes x1000.
Congrats, though, I hope! :/
Anonymous
Like. Congrats on being married to a mean liar?
Get a divorce. Now. Today. This is such a red flag it only gets worse
Emma
Yeah I would be furious about this. Not quite the same, but when I married my ex-H we had a big fight with his family about not having a Catholic wedding. He supposedly backed me up but was “bad at confrontation”. Three days before the wedding his parents announce the uncle is bringing a “friend”, but then we find out the friend is the family priest, who would attend and “just give a quick blessing”. I said no, absolutely not, tell your parents this is not happening. Guess who I saw while walking down the aisle… the priest sitting with his family. Thankfully he abstained from taking over the ceremony and my mother discreetly moved some people around to seat him somewhere. But my ex’s inability to enforce any kind of limit with his insane family was a big part of why our marriage failed. Not saying this is what happened here, but “I’m bad at confrontation” after making a big deal about your sister not being there is really not cool.
Eager Beaver
Honestly, I don’t think you should be shielding him from your family. He owes them an apology.
Anon
Yes. Your mother gets to make all the passive aggressive comments she wants. It would be legit if she dropped the “passive” and just went with “aggressive”.
Anonymous
I’m confused – why did you have an MOH? Did the MOH come to the ceremony? Did you have another bridal party? What was the procession of the day — pictures then ceremony then reception? Did your sister come to any of that?
Anon
I’m confused too. I’m not excusing what your husband did at all, but having a friend MOH attend and not your sister seems incredibly hurtful to your sister in and of itself. I know a lot of people who had tiny weddings and I’ve never heard of excluding nuclear family (parents/siblings/children) and including friends, unless you’re someone who doesn’t get along with their family.
OP
Ceremony was supposed to be only parents. We had a reception the same day, which more people attended, including sister and family. MOH stayed at the house with us so she was hanging out sunbathing when she saw SIL walk toward the ceremony location, and that’s when she said something to her. MOH wasn’t at the ceremony.
Anon
This whole thing is so weird. I assumed you were having a small wedding because of Covid risks or because you wanted to celebrate with a core group of nearest and dearest. I don’t understand excluding a sibling from a ceremony if they’re invited to a reception on the same day.
Anonymous
Ok, more confusion – why have a microwedding small ceremony the same day as a big party reception? Was it a COVID thing? Also why would you even have a maid of honor if she wasn’t at the ceremony itself?
I don’t blame SIL for being confused AF, possibly your husband too.
I guess I always thought it was harder to get an invite to a reception than a ceremony since the whole point of the ceremony is a public declaration of love and the reception is $$$$ and food and so forth.
Wait, what?
You had a maid of honor who tried to run interference but…wasn’t allowed at the ceremony? Then why the heck do you need an MOH. Is this story real?
Anon
Obviously having a micro ceremony wasn’t a Covid thing, since a reception is much riskier than a ceremony. Guests watching a ceremony can stay masked and distanced, but that’s impossible at a party where people are eating, drinking, dancing, going inside to use the bathroom, etc. My SIL got married in 2020 and was very Covid cautious so she had local guests witness the ceremony (masked and distanced) with no reception (the out of town guests, including family, attended on Zoom).
anon
This. If sisters weren’t allowed but MOHs/Best Men were and you wanted your sister to be there, she should have been the MOH. This may be an unpopular opinion, but at least some of this rests on OP’s shoulders- you could have refused to walk down the aisle until your sister came or his left. What your husband did was awful, but so is having non-family at a tiny ceremony when you’re close enough that it would upset your mom and sister for your sister to be excluded.
anon
As a counterpoint, you also have the option of telling your family who insist on raising the issue every time you speak: “It was a big mistake, we regret it, but I’m asking you to move on and allow us to begin our marriage in peace.” And if they continue to bring it up, you can say, I’m not discussing this again.
I would definitely make sure that this doesn’t become a pattern with your DH where he doesn’t handle communication with his family, but regardless of his issues, you are not under any obligation to allow your family to continue to punish the two of you. And your husband only needs to satisfy YOU with whatever apology he gave/gives. Once/if you two are set, tell everyone else to back off.
Anonymous
I’d cut my sister off if she did this and so would my parents. Permanently.
Anokha
A strong disagree here. I think that there needs to be an apology, and that the apology needs to happen from the husband directly to her family. As written, the husband hasn’t apologized yet, and OP is worried about shielding him from her mother’s wrath. I absolutely would not sweep this under the rug.
Anon
I am 100% on board with presenting a united front but you’re wrong here. The husband and wife did not jointly decide this; he lied to her face, overrode her objections, and finagled his sister into the wedding. You’re not entitled to a united front when the one getting screwed over is your own spouse.
Anon
Agreed 100%.
Anonymous
I think you need a divorce and therapy. Why didn’t you say something at the time? Why are you debating whether to even bring it up with him? Why are you concerned about protecting him from the consequences of his seriously messed up actions?
Anon
+1
Anon
I’m sorry, but WHAT?!! This is NOT ok, he needs to clean up this mess, not you. Also, communication is key to building a life with someone!!!
Anon
This was my exact response. Such a bizarre way for him to handle this! The time to iron out attendance at weddings is BEFORE, not day-of, and to invite his sister to the house, but not to the ceremony was basically fomenting this exact scenario.
You absolutely should talk to him about this and find out what (if anything) he said to his sister. Maybe she slunk into the wedding knowing she wasn’t invited, but it sure sounds like the blame is your husband’s. And if so, he should take the responsibility for it.
If he never told her she wasn’t invited, or he decided it was too hard to stand up to her desire to attend, you are gonna have more problems down the road. If he can’t, or won’t, stand up to his family on something the two of you have agreed to, you’re gonna have a crowded marriage.
anon
Nothing about this makes sense. Either your DH screwed up royally and needs to take responsibility for it, stat, or he manipulated the situation to his advantage. This is not a great way to start a marriage.
Not sure why you married him
It’s odd to me that you describe him as bad at confrontation and that you think he would be surprised to learn people’s feelings were hurt. He literally refused to allow your sister to come to your wedding, after you begged multiple times. That is super confrontational on his part and would legitimately hurt people’s feelings.
I would not have married him, so I don’t have advice on how to fix this, but I don’t think you need to shield him from the consequences his actions.
Anonymous
Yes he doesn’t seem conflict avoidant at all! He created this stupid rule! He had no problem causing you to suffer. This is truly horrifying
Anon
OMG exactly! How is it not confrontative to tell your future wife no, repeatedly, when she “begs” for her sibling to be included in the ceremony? If that’s not conflict, I don’t know what is.
I don’t know, I like to hope for the best for people but I am thinking the OP may be setting herself up for a brief marriage where she is constantly having to deal with her husband manipulating situations to his own advantage regardless of her wishes, needs and feelings. Nothing about his behavior is reasonable or respectful. This was on Day 1 of the marriage! I have been married over 20 years and knowing what is ahead for people after the wedding is over – I think being very, very aware of how things proceed from here is critical. Either the OP’s husband respects her and they are going to build together as a team, or he is on Team Himself Only and she should get out ASAP. Maybe I am just saying that because there is no universe in the multiverse where my husband would have said “your sibling can’t come to our wedding.” Definitely there is no universe where he would have said that and then manipulated things so his own sibling could be there when mine was absent. Or where he would have pulled that stunt and I still would have married him.
Anon
This is really bad. And the fact that it had not come up for WEEKS since your wedding is even worse. Your husband either intentionally excluded your sister and included his, or at best accidentally did so and has failed to take any responsibility for it. I’m concerned that your instinct is to focus on shielding your husband from your family instead of why he hasn’t explained himself and apologized. I encourage therapy for you to understand the power dynamics in your relationship.
anon
You said what I was having a hard time putting into words. This is a really worrisome dynamic in a marriage.
Anon
Your new husband sounds like a jerk, but honestly you do too. Who excludes their sister like that? I know your primary obligation is to your new spouse, but there are limits. And then you are protecting him to the point of alienating your family? Girl, please. Stop playing victim and use your words. Your poor sister.
Anon
This isn’t wrong, either. Your husband is so clearly in the wrong. And yet, you had a clue and sat on it. Pls listen to your gut next time. Especially since you know your husband isn’t looking out for you in the relationship.
Senior Attorney
Right. Hence, “therapy.” How on earth did you end up married to this guy?
Anon
Yeah, this. Things you get to “feel strongly” about are the style of your photos, the invitation suite, the colors, food, beverage offerings. Not whether your sister gets to go. Him asking that is horrible, and you giving in is just as bad.
anon
+1, this was at the back of my mind and you expressed it so well. If having your sister at your ceremony was a priority to you (extremely reasonable), then DH should have been supportive of that, not trying to coerce you into keeping her from being there (setting aside the screwed up nature of what he did with letting his sister attend when he said he wouldn’t). He doesn’t deserve your protection, you deserve an explanation and apology and so does your family.
Ellen
Be kind to this woman. She obviously is very interested in trying to make the marrage work, tho I agree that the husband was ridiculus, and why, I don’t know. It just seems like a power play to me. My ex pulled weird things like this on me all the time, ranging from ignoring my pleas not to get drunk in my apartment to stareing at other women on the street while guiding me by keeping his hand on my tuchus as we walked.
I don’t think she can get an anullment because she likely consummated the marrage on her wedding night, and for all we know, could have conceived a child already. But irrespective of that, she is way too meek to throw this dude out now because she is desperate to make this marrage work. Personally, there is no way most of us would have allowed this to go on, but we were not there and even tho we would not have allowed him to get busy huffeing and puffeing on top of us after the ceremony, we must respect her and support her at this time.
Senior Attorney
I literally cannot imagine starting a marriage like this. Nothing about this is okay. Seriously I think “divorce and therapy” may well be the right answer here.
Anonymous
Yeah he never said anything to his family re his sister not coming to the ceremony – or he mildly said something, his mother/sister balked and he shrugged it off as NBD, we’ll deal with it later and never dealt with it and what was he going to say once his sister was dressed and at the ceremony!? Meanwhile he made a HUGE deal of YOUR sister not attending.
You must really love him bc I’m not sure I would have gone thru with the vows at that moment when I saw his sister there. I mean if it was a 100 person wedding, I would have so as not to make a scene. But for a 5 person wedding, when I noticed 5 guests there instead of the agreed upon 4 AND my sister was staying someplace locally as she was attending the reception (or on her way), nope. I wouldn’t been like, either we do this now with just the 4 parents OR we call my sister to get here and we do it when she arrives even if that means we wait an hour or two. You two sound like you deserve each other. And he deserves the lifetime of scorn that he’s going to get from your mother and sister for being a bad guy because he is, and you enabled him.
Anon
Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt (which I do NOT think he deserves) how in the world did he think HIS sister would know she wasn’t invited IF HE DIDN’T TELL HER??!!
Aside from that, this marriage is doomed.
Anon
Right?? This man is so bad at communication that he does not deserve to be married to anybody.
Explorette
This is so bad. At a minimum, he needs to talk to your parents and your sister and explain what happened and take responsibility and issue a huge apology. You shouldn’t shield him from this, it was 100% his fault. Then, I’d seriously consider if this is a relationship you want to hold on to. He lied to you about telling his sister she wasn’t invited to the wedding. He created massive drama between you and your family. He seems oblivious to other people’s feelings – why on earth would he be surprised to learn that your sister’s feelings are hurt when she was excluded but his sister wasn’t from an important family event? That is a completely normal reaction to the situation. How can he be a good husband to you if he can’t understand normal emotional reactions? This event, and how he handles his apology to your family, is a look into how your marriage is going to be. Don’t ignore it.
roxie
I am not exaggerating when I say I would annul my new marriage over this.
also I cannot believe you agreed to leave out your sister. My god, I would never forgive you.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t have been able to marry him in that moment when I walked down the aisle and saw his parents + sister but just my parents. And I say this as someone who isn’t my sister’s bestie and we don’t have a ton in common. I would have had to stop the wedding right there and say – ok if we are doing this right now, it’s all 4 parents and us. Otherwise my sister needs to be here, we need to call her and if that means we postpone this 5 person affair by a few hours, oh well.
Anon
Right. For a five-person ceremony, how hard is it to be like, nope, we’re gonna work this out right now, either my sister gets to be here or your sister has to leave, or we can just call this whole thing off right now. It’s not like there was a church full of 500 people waiting for her to walk up the aisle so everyone can get to the buffet dinner on time. Four-to-six people plus the officiant, plus a casual after-party reception = everyone can chill and have a cocktail or two while we wait for my sister to get here, or we can just tell everyone to pack up and go TF home because the wedding is off. The OP had an opportunity to take a stand, and she didn’t take it. Now her husband knows she is a doormat and he can gaslight her and manipulate any situation to his own advantage. She is doomed, DOOOOOMED I tell you, if she doesn’t find a way to set his a** straight right now. Personally I would just suck it up, move out, return all the wedding gifts, and get back on the dating apps. Because ain’t no way this guy is going to straighten out enough for this marriage to work over the long term. Signed, a longtime married person
Anon
Same here. But they might be perfect for each other because both suggesting and agreeing to cut the sister out is pretty sociopathic. If OP is the weak one here, she ought to really grovel with her family because she’s gonna need em when this marriage blows up.
LaurenB
This whole thing sounds like a Reddit Am I The AHole come to life. Play it out there and see what happens.
Anonymous
OP, I am concerned about your sense of self-worth. It sounds to me like you realized long ago that this man was unsuitable, forced couples therapy so you could make this relationship end in a marriage, behaved with willful blindness to many red flags leading up to your wedding day, and went through with the marriage ceremony while apparently staring right through the groom as he waved a giant red flag emblazoned with the words “FU AND YOUR FAMILY”.
Are you afraid that no one else will marry you? I am sure you are wrong about that, but also that you would be better off on your own even if you are right. I hope you will seek out some individual therapy to help you value yourself and stand up for your interests better.
If you are going to move forward with this man, my opinion is that you absolutely must tell him that he was wrong, ask him to explain himself, and then tell him there are going to be consequences from his actions that you don’t plan to shield him from. The very best explanation I can think of for his behavior is sheer emotional laziness, which is not a great quality in a partner and as inexcusable as any of the worse explanations, so he needs to be accountable to everyone he slighted/manipulated/harmed.
Anon
Agree, and OP if you feel bad / embarrassed / like you can’t turn back now, please trust that it is much more likely this will get much much worse and not better. Whatever difficulty you may have untangling yourself from this relationship now is far less than suffering a marriage where your husband treats you this way. It’s not too late and the people that love you will be there for you. People are piling on because no one wants this for anyone!
Anon
This is totally not okay and your husband needs to make his very best effort at fixing it. If it can’t be fixed, then he needs to make his best abject apology. You need to not mingle your income, accounts, or assets with him unless or until he proves he can be trusted.
Anon
Argh. Nesting fail.
amberwitch
But so good advise!
Senior Attorney
But you made an excellent point that deserves its own thread.
Senior Attorney
And also? PLEASE PLEASE do not have a baby with this man!
Anonymous
OH YES, THIS.
Coach Laura
That was my first thought – you think a wedding is hard, then try having a baby with this man and his family.
Come to think of it, I doubt they’ll get through Christmas/Thanksgiving/Rosh Hashanah/Hanukkah without a blowup. Get ready to spend every holiday with his family and yours a distant second.
Small blender/food processor?
I’m looking for a small-ish food processor that I can use to make guacamole and pesto, smoothies, finely chopping nuts or fruit, etc. Is a Ninja Bullet, NutriBullet or similar what I’m looking for?
Biggest criteria are 1) easy to clean, 2) not too large (I guess 2 cups would be sufficient).
Anon
I’ve used my Ninja Express for ten years and it’s amazing. Two cup capacity, $20 at Target, makes great pesto, guac, bean dip, herb spread, you name it.
Anon
When it comes to cleaning, first tip is to rinse it out right away when you’re done, because it’s darn near impossible to get food off once it’s dried off and stuck. Second is to fill it part way with warm water and a tiny bit of soap and run it again, especially if you’ve made something with any kind of fats.
anon
I’ve been happy with my Magic Bullet.
Anon
I’ve had a mini Cuisinart for probably 15 years and love it. I’d guess it’s about 4 cups and is perfect for just the things you mention. It’s so much easier to use than my big fancy one that I usually just end up doing a couple batches in the little one than bothering to drag out the big one. I don’t have room in my kitchen for the big one, but even if I did, it’s a pain to use and clean, and most of the time the small one is more appropriately sized for the stuff I’m making (pesto, vegan cashew cheese, fruit purees or smoothies, or a single pie crust).
Daffodil
+1 to a small Cuisinart. And the plastic container can go in the dishwasher.
Anon
This. It’s indestructible, you can get it out of the cabinet with one hand, the parts you wash will fit on the top rack of the dishwasher, and it does a good job.
Anon
Same — love this thing. Mine does have a drizzle chute.
BeenThatGuy
I have both. The small I use for find dicing and chopping. But it doesn’t have a shoot to drizzle oil in which was essential for my needs (dressings, hummus, marinades). So I got a big one too. I’m not saying buy both but certainly make sure it does everything you need it to before you commit.
anon
I have a Breville immersion blender with a food processor attachment that is great for these kinds of things. One thing–while it’s theoretically dishwasher safe, I wouldn’t put the immersion wand in the dishwasher because it gets water stuck inside.
Anon
Anyone run into the issue where your wedding ring just doesn’t fit anymore? In my case, I got two corns (possibly warts) on the knuckle of my left ring finger (yes, just there and nowhere else) overnight a few weeks ago and they are making it impossible for me to slide my rings over that knuckle, which makes me sad. I’ve worn my rings daily for 15 years, including two pregnancies, so I know it’s just the corns/warts that caused this issue. Anyone have any suggestions? Seems weird to resize the rings just to get past that one knuckle. So far, I’ve been using corn remover solution, but it’s been a slow process and if anything, I think it’s made it worse by making the skin tougher and drier. Thanks.
Anonymous
Visit the dermatologist.
I hear you
+1
And just wear your rings on another finger for now.
Derm
+1 Are you the person who has the petrified mosquito bites? Agree to just see a derm.
Anonymous
Go to your doctorrrrrrrrrrr
Curious
I might get a silicone ring for the short term and wear your wedding rings on a chain near your heart? The corns seem like they might be a more temporary issue, not worth resizing.
amberwitch
I had minor surgery on the knuckle of my wedding ring finger years ago (had something like a bone spur growing from the knuckles of a few fingers on the right hand). After the surgery, my knuckles we permanently enlarged, so I switched my wedding ring to the other hand. Culturally, where I am, that isn’t particularly weird, but might not be reaonable in the US.
Carla
Go to a dermatologist and get the warts/corns/whatever frozen off. I usually just stick with the creams but its worth it for this particular location and issue.
London (formerly NY) CPA
As a short-term solution, your rings go on more easily if you keep your finger bent. My automatic tendency when putting on / taking off rings is to extend my finders all the way. However, when I was being sized once, a ring got stuck and I couldn’t get it off and the jeweler told me to bend my finger because it makes your knuckle less wide and it came right off. I assume it would help in the reverse situation (putting a ring on over a too-big knuckle).
Anonymous
My grandma added an adjustable clasp to her wedding ring that would open to go over her arthritic joints. That’s an option, but wouldn’t it be easier to remove the warts? I had warts frozen off my feet several times in high school. Very minimal pain and completely effective.
Anon
Vent: My whole team went remote in March 2020 with most of the rest of the office world. We were told at some point in mid-late 2020 that we never had to come back to the office and we had to fill out paperwork making us officially full-time remote regardless of the end of the pandemic (although it did contain a clause that our fully remote status could be revoked at any time). My coworker (who has the same title, job function and boss as me) moved several states away. Now we’re working with someone who has an obsession with in-person meetings. There’s no reason I can’t attend and meaningfully contribute to these meetings over Zoom. They’re no different than any other meetings I’ve had over the last 18 months. My “fully remote” status has not been revoked. But I’m being told there may be consequences, up to and including termination, if I don’t agree to come to all the meetings in person. No one is making my male co-worker attend these meetings in person, obviously, because he lives hundreds of miles away. I guess I should have moved to a different state?! But seriously I feel like I’m being penalized for staying local which is so f-cked up.
Anonymous
I’m angry on your behalf. I’d recommend re-posting in the afternoon thread or tomorrow morning so this can get some more eyes.
Anon
When a male co-worker is being given privileges you are not being given, it’s worthwhile to determine if there is sexism at play. You have the same status with HR (permanent remote) and one employee is being given privileges the other is not.
At the very least, document this every single time it happens, as well as any other instances in which your male coworker is given preferential treatment.
Anonymous
Recommendations for a soothing foot cream for cracked heels? I have tried several different options without much luck. I’ve had some success with a foot file, but I still tend to get little pieces of skin flaking off almost like a hang nail on my heels.
BeenThatGuy
Get a cream with urea in it. I have this one:
https://www.amazon.com/PurSources-Urea-40-Foot-Cream/dp/B01N7ULJSD/ref=asc_df_B01N7ULJSD/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=198105184509&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15347134766946142480&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003650&hvtargid=pla-381602100628&psc=1
NYC Girl
Amlactin foot repair and/or Kerasal.