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I’ve spent the last six months looking for perfect work from home t-shirts — something that is comfortable and cozy, but doesn’t look too ratty on videoconferences.
My most recent favorite is the “Tee Rex” from Universal Standard. It’s so soft, fits so well, and has a slightly longer length that looks great with leggings or tucks in nicely to a skirt. It comes in nine different colors and a wide range of sizes. I sized down for a more fitted look, but you could go either way and I think it would still look great.
The shirt is $50 and available in sizes 00 through 40. Tee Rex
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
The Donald Has COVID
Well that was an interesting twist…
Aunt Jamesina
I think I’m only surprised because it took so long.
Anon
Covid is just so random. I know several people in major hotspots who spent all summer traveling all over the country, dining out, constantly meeting friends at bars, throwing large parties for their kids, attending weddings etc. with zero masks in sight and none of them have tested positive or had any symptoms. And my mom has a friend who got it at the grocery store in the middle of nowhere.
Anonymous
I’m super worried that he doesn’t make it to election day because I think Pence has a better chance against Biden than Trump does. Any GOP staying home because they don’t like Trump, could easily come out for Pence.
Anon
100% agreed. As much as I hate Trump, I’d rather have him on the ballot than pence
Anon
That is also my biggest concern.
I could also see him coming out of this somehow asymptomatic or with mild symptoms and then pointing to himself and being like, “See? This virus is no big deal.”
anon
But I would rather Pence than Trump. Pence would enact policies that I would really hate, but he is at least in his right mind and a traditional politician who is not going to undermine the entire political system the way trump is threatening to do and has done. If Pence were beaten, he would admit defeat rather than calling white supremacists into the streets. He’s not going to try to run for a third term or put out a bunch of deranged tweets. He would likely do things like read security briefings, have competent advisors rather than installing his family members in positions they are no way qualified for, and have the good sense to not have super questionable foreign leaders just chilling at one of his giant mansions where he says whatever comes to his mind, no matter how big a security threat. I used to think I would rather trump than pence, but over time my mind has changed, because I think the damage trump is doing is going to have much longer and farther reaching consequences than what pence could do.
Anonymous
Pence would do less short term damage but I think he plays a long game and the long term damaging in terms of stacking the courts and unpalatable but not easily repeal-able legislation would be a huge challenge. He could also serve a second term afterwards which means 12 years of GOP rule.
Anonymous
The courts are already stacked. That ship has sailed.
Anon
I think this is where I’m at, too. I think they’re both horrendous human beings. Pence (presumably) would respect a peaceful transition of power and other pillars of democracy.
Anon
+1.
Anon
While I agree that Pence would leave office peacefully if voted out, I truly think that he would win and thus it’s a moot point
Anon
Even if Trump dies from Covid, which is probably only about a 1 in 20 chance, the odds he’d make it to election day are pretty decent. Most people take about a week post-diagnosis to get seriously ill, and it’s very common to hang on in the hospital for 4-6 weeks. This isn’t a disease that kills quickly, which is part of why hospitals are so overwhelmed in the hot spots. I guess if he were on a ventilator they’d probably replace him with Pence on the ballot, but I still think it would be better than Trump actually dying in office.
Anonymous
Is it one in 20? I thought the mortality rate was more like 15 to 20% for his age group with secondary issues like obesity and cardiovascular disease?
Anon
He doesn’t have cardiovascular disease (that we know of). About half of America is clinically obese, so I don’t think that affects his death rate much if you’re looking at stats for just Americans – if you’re looking at death rates in India or China then yes it would matter because their population is much less obese. The CDC says the infection fatality rate for Americans 70+ is 5.4% and he’s on the younger side of that age group, since it includes people in their 90s. You also have to keep in mind the death rate for minorities is about double the death rate for white people, so if you look at published stats that include minorities, a white person has significantly better odds (sad but true).
https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/hcp/planning-scenarios.html
January
He’ll also have access to the very best medical care.
Anon
I don’t disagree, but I also think a lot of trump supporters don’t like Pence. He doesn’t appeal to Trumps base in the same way and doesn’t excite people
Anonymous
Give him his Clorox and lift a UV light beside his golden door.
Anon
I hope he finally starts taking it seriously!
Ellen
I agree. I feel sad that so many people have gotten sick and died, and hope that POTUS will now realize that he is not impervius and take appropriate action. Plus, did I see on the Today Show that he was kissing Hope Hicks the other day, who looked healthy, but she was she tested as Covid positive? I hope they all get better quickly and that they take a different attitude to Covid 19. Dad says his portfolio is taking a hit b/c Trump and the first lady have tested positive. He is 74 and obese, so they should be worried. The guy in the UK, Boris Johnson nearly died, and he was alot younger, but he too was very sloppy about his COVID habits.
Anon
I hope his followers start taking it seriously. That’s the only silver lining I can see here.
I think everyone has gotten way too relaxed about it, way way before the medical community says we should be relaxed about it.
Anon
I know! Talk about an October surprise. I just hope Biden and his family and staff are ok. It can’t be low risk to be ~10 feet away from an infectious person for 90 minutes especially if they’re yelling the whole time. They were too close for my comfort even before we knew Trump was sick!
Anonymous
This. I’m terrified Biden gets sick. Trump will be fine of course. He’ll use his mild and/or asymptomatic continue playing it down.
Anonymous
This is my fear–that he’ll recover and tell all his supporters that it’s a hoax and that its not that bad even for old people with heart disease and obesity.
Monday
A quick glance didn’t find me any info on Biden’s status, but I assume he and his staff are also tested frequently?
Anon
Unclear. About a month ago Biden said he’d never been tested. I think that changed but I’m not sure he gets tested every day. But even with daily testing he’s not out of the woods yet and won’t be for a long time. If he was exposed Tuesday night he’d most likely test positive in the next few days.
Anonymous
They’ve announced he is getting tested this morning, and I would guess that he will continue to be tested daily for the next week or so.
Anonymous
https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/519293-biden-to-get-tested-friday-morning-following-trump-covid-test-report
Anon
He and Jill tested negative.
Anonymous
Agree. I’m super worried about Biden. I don’t think Harris can beat Pence with the Electoral College system if something happens to him.
anon
Yep, this. I adore Harris, but if it’s Harris vs. Pence, I don’t think she wins.
Anonymous
Is that what would happen? If Biden couldn’t run (too ill, dies, fingers crossed this is all just speculation), would Harris become the nominee? Or would the Democratic Party have to re-nominate someone to run in Biden’s place? And is it “second place” from the primaries or something else entirely?
Anon
If Biden dies or is incapacitated by Covid, I can’t imagine the Democrats would want another late 70s man as their candidate. It would have to be someone younger and lower risk.
Anonymous
I think voting has already started so the tickets can’t be changed. Harris would be President the same way Pence would be if Trump dies in office. Not 100% sure though and any confusion by the public would likely hurt Biden as hardcore Trump supporters will vote for him if he’s on the ballot even if he’s dead.
Anon
If it is true – watch him have a mild case and then he’ll have more evidence for his claim that it’s just a little flu.
Anonymous
That’s what I thought. And dear g-d I hope Biden stays healthy.
Anon
+1
I hope he recovers well (because I want him to lose resoundingly in November and then be held accountable for his crimes), but I agree that it will just fuel his base and their belief that this “little flu” is a Democrat plot to destroy the US economy and freedom.
Aunt Jamesina
Yes, he needs to see the inside of a prison cell.
fdsa
Threatening to imprison political opponents is… not a good look (cf “Lock her up”).
Anon
He wouldn’t be going to jail because he’s a political opponent, he would be going to jail for tax fraud, rape and the myriad other crimes he’s currently under investigation for that have nothing to do with politics. The comparison to “lock her up” is ridiculous and you know it.
PNW
What about threatening to imprison criminals?
Aunt Jamesina
How am I threatening him? I have absolutely no power to do so (so flattered to think you thought so, tho). He said almost the same thing, over and over, about Clinton in 2016. This man is a shameless con artist and so many who have left his circle have said as much. When your own former lawyer is spilling about crimes, the picture is pretty clear.
Anon
Trump being an asymptomatic superspreader who kills Joe Biden is exactly the kind of plot twist I’d expect from 2020.
In all seriousness, as much I wish karma would bite him the a$$, I hope Trump recovers smoothly at home. I think he’d get significant sympathy points if he were hospitalized, and I think people are really underestimating the groundswell of patriotism and support for the incumbent party that would happen if the president died in office. I know he’s no JFK and this isn’t a normal election, but the death of a sitting president is cataclysmic, and I don’t think it would help the Democrats.
Aunt Jamesina
Yes, and the Qanon crowd would go absolutely crazy (well, crazier) if he died.
Aunt Jamesina
Even if he has a serious case, he’ll downplay it.
S-non
Yes. He needs to have at least some symptoms so he doesn’t come back even stronger with the “covid hoax” and put even more people at risk. They’re now releasing even more information about Republican leadership testing positive and still doing events. They are so irresponsible and have put so many people at risk. I am terrified he infected Biden and it would be so 2020 if Trump was fine but Biden died and I can’t handle that.
Either way, my ~thoughts and prayers~ are with Trump, and they’re not good ones.
Anon
He has some symptoms this morning – cough, fever. Still working.
Anonymous
Sounds like Boris.
alicia
Yep, just how Bolsanaro didn’t get that sick. I feel like Boris getting sick did get him to take it seriously for a little while.
Anon
But Boris getting sick also got him big sympathy points. I know it’s not a perfect analogy because getting Covid in April is very different than getting it in October, and I think Trump’s re-election chances hinge on steering the narrative away from Covid, which this obviously does not do. But still, it worries me.
Anon
Does he really though? Or is it a ploy to cancel future debates or garner sympathy votes? His typical MO is to only release or brag about positive health related information. The cynic in me is wondering what the play is by announcing a Covid diagnosis.
In the meantime, vote.
Anonymous
I wondered about this too. In theory he should have to stay at the White House while he recovers. If he’s out and about again in a couple days announcing it was mild and NBD, I doubt he ever had it. With his age and obesity, he’s in a higher risk category so a mild case would be surprising.
Anon
It’s not really true that a mild case would be “surprising.” He’s definitely in a higher risk category, but that means he has maybe a 5% chance of dying and probably a 10-20% chance of hospitalization at most. Plenty of people as old and overweight as him have mild or even asymptomatic cases. We have a family friend who is older than Trump and equally overweight and he recovered from covid in just a few days with sinus infection-like symptoms. His wife – who is younger and much thinner – got much sicker, although she didn’t need to go to the hospital. There’s definitely a degree of randomness to this virus, likely due to underlying genetic susceptibilities we don’t fully understand.
Anonymous
Unfortunately, this is so true. My sister is 33 and healthy. She was flat out with COVID for 3 weeks and it took until the end of the 4th week before she was back to normal at work (and still sleepy). She didn’t get hospitalized and wasn’t close but she said it was like “the worst flu you could have without needing an IV.” She had every symptom.
My 75 year old obese aunt with heart disease got it and she was virtually asymptomatic. I think she had a headcold/allergy symptoms (which is typical) and was headed out of state so got tested and was positive.
Flats Only
I suspect that somewhere in the White House is a fully equipped hospital room where you could get anything done up to and including brain surgery. So if he’s “resting at home” at the White House he could be on a ventilator for all we know. Assuming he doesn’t do daily photo ops for this purpose, we need to watch/parse his tweets very carefully in the next couple of weeks to see whether they provide proof of life.
Cat
OMG, I recommended the movie Dave here a few weeks ago… who’d have thought it might come true
Anonymous
Optimistically: a face-saving stunt before an inevitable and clear electoral loss?
Maybe it’s clear behind closed doors that republicans and the SCOTUS are not willing to force America to become a failed state and completely bypass electoral results in order to keep an increasingly unpopular and unstable idiot in power? (It’s not totally clear from my angle.)
Maybe is clear that his supporters are not, for the most part, an vast army of young violent white supremacists bent on fascism, but a pathetic group older white men and women who are literally terrified of the world outside their dingy- Fox News- lit tv rooms and Applebee’s-studded strip malls.
NYNY
Trump thinks illness is “weak,” so he would never claim to be ill to get out of something. Seriously, the dude would start a war, but never show personal weakness. He had to cancel one of his superspreader rallies in Florida tonight, so I’m inclined to believe it’s real. I’m also inclined to believe that he got a positive test result from a rapid test either Wed or early yesterday, but didn’t make the announcement or change behavior until he got the same result from the slower, more accurate test.
Anon
This.
Anon
But testing positive and feeling fine doesn’t add up to illness = weakness. It would be a show of strength.
Anon
He doesn’t feel fine. He says he feels fine so as not to appear weak, but CNN says multiple sources are saying he was symptomatic at events yesterday. I don’t believe for one second he’d voluntarily give up his precious rallies – they’re like oxygen to him! – so I believe the positive test is real.
Anonymous
+1 I think he’s anxious to hold his rallies around the country, and having to stay home at least 10 days is going to really piss him off.
Anonymous
This. I also have a working theory that he waited until a staffer tested positive (HH) before announcing he and M were positive. Now it seems like they got it from her.
Anon
He wouldn’t tank the stock market to improve his chances. I know he’ll spin it but the reality is that’s all he really cares about – he wouldn’t do it intentionally
Anon
This. He would never intentionality harm the markets, it’s literally the only thing he cares about besides his popularity.
Anon
Hope he has a painful course and it finishes him. Sorry not sorry. Apparently in this new world, either he or countless others have to suffer.
LaurenB
Agree. I typically wish no one harm but I want him to feel every last effect. He’s a bad man. I feel no more “guilty” about wishing him harm than I would about Hitler.
Anon
Exactly. He’s an active force for evil and if he dies, I will, as they say, “read the obituary with great pleasure.”
Anon
Looks like RBG successfuly agrued her first case before God…..
Anonymous
#bestcommentever
Anon
Gold.
anon
Bwah! You win the internet today.
Anonymous
I do not think that RBG in a million years would wish death or disease on a person. And I don’t think that G-d works like that.
Anonymous
Pretty sure most of the Bible is about God helping his people defeat evil. Trump isn’t one of God’s people deserving of mercy. He’s the evil to be defeated.
Anonymous
+1. He was projecting when he called Hillary the Devil. I feel really sorry for the staff having to deal with Trump right now, I am pretty sure he is on the ornery side when he is sick.
Anonymous
This. I think I read this comment somewhere else already and I don’t think it’s clever or fair to rbg. Do better.
Anon
Then ride your high horse somewhere else.
Anonymous
Nah I’m good here. You take the low road under the bridge. Don’t drag rbg’s legacy down there with you though.
Anon
Get over yourself. We’re not here for this sanctimonious crap today.
Anon
Spoilsport.
ElisaR
hahahahaha
Anon
I… think I love you.
Anonymous
I strongly dislike ACB but I really hope she and her kids were not exposed. The lack of masks when they were all together made me nervous at the time. Such a risk to take with her kids given how cavalier Trump is about close contact with many people.
Anon
She last saw him on Saturday and she’s negative now, so she’s probably fine. Trump probably wasn’t infectious until Tuesday or so, since he reportedly developed symptoms yesterday and the general rule of thumb is 48 hours before symptoms.
Anonymous
But it seems like he caught it from Hope Hicks so it may have been circulating around various White House aides earlier than Tuesday.
Anonymous
I don’t think there is any evidence he caught it from Hope Hicks. She tested positive and it was reported first. But it is possible he gave it to her. Or maybe Melania caught it from a man she truly loves and gave it to both Hicks and Trump. I don’t think we will ever know or need to know.
Anon
The doctors on my Twitter feed day he couldn’t have caught it from Hope. She became symptomatic Wednesday night and he became symptomatic either Thursday or Friday morning depending on who you believe. The incubation period isn’t long enough, especially given the studies that older people generally have longer incubation periods. They likely both got it from a common source.
Anon
She doesn’t deserve to be referred to as “ACB.” She’s not a somebody yet.
Anon
+1 and I especially hate it because of the similarity to RBG’s nickname.
Anonymous
omg – doesn’t mean she’s a somebody. Means I don’t care enough about her to type out her full name when I’m on my phone
Anon
I had to Google what it meant so it’s not universal!
anonshmanon
same!
Anon
I googled it and got no results. It’s definitely not a thing.
Anonymous
Barrett met with Utah senator Mike Lee on Tuesday, not distanced and not wearing masks. Lee just announced that he has tested positive. She was also with Pence and Meadows. They’ll have to rethink in-person confirmation hearings.
Anon
Wow, this is getting wild.
Anon
My theory is that Mike Lee infected Hope and the Trumps too. He said in his statement that he had been having what he thought were allergy symptoms for a while, so it’s likely he actually got sick last week, before anyone else.
LaurenB
ACB is so not the issue here. As much as I dislike her views, she’s not the baddie right now. I too hope she is well.
Anonymous
Aw, thoughts and prayers.
Anon
hahaha ok this is my favorite so far.
Anonymous
Right there with you. very specific thoughts and prayers.
Anon
Same. It affects almost nobody anyway :)
Anonymous
It is what it is!!
Anon
The Bidens tested negative, thank goodness. Real PCR test too, not the rapid tests.
Anon
Oh it was a real PCR test? Thank god.
Anon
Do they need to retest daily even with the non-rapid test? I haven’t been keeping up with the testing semantics… more focused on masking myself and keeping a distance. Could he have it and just not have a viral load sufficient for the positive? Same question for anyone else who is negative today (Pence, for one…).
Anon
Yes, they could subsequently test positive. 5-7 days is the most common incubation period and it’s only been 2.5 days so it’s entirely possible Biden will test positive a few days from now. This is good news for sure, but doesn’t mean he escaped the debate unscathed.
AnonMPH
Yes. Too early to have a definitive negative on an exposure from Tuesday. Median incubation period is 4-5 days.
Anonymous
Yes. My area has low covid and a 14 day quarantine. We’ve had at least one case of someone testing negative on arrival and then testing positive around day 11. I’ll feel better if Biden is still negative in two weeks.
Aunt Jamesina
If anyone would like to see some positive news, this article about Jimmy Carter’s birthday cheered me up: https://apnews.com/article/virus-outbreak-election-2020-us-news-health-rosalynn-carter-f5a925c2ff7ae7d50a2546c83560518d
You can see others’ wishes and wish him a belated birthday here, there are some very sweet tributes: https://cartercenter.kudoboard.com/boards/96th-birthday
Ellen
My Dad met Jimmy Carter many years ago soon after he left office. He was a nice gentelman, and Dad remembers shaking his hand in Atlanta, GA. I wonder if Jimmy Carter still remembers my Dad? He says it was in the early 1980’s when I was a baby! Wow! That’s along time ago b/c I am not young anymore! FOOEY! I would have love to meet him now!
Anonie
Jimmy Carter is lovely! I got to see him teach Sunday School at his church in Georgia once as a child when visiting the state. I didn’t understand the sermon very well, but I remember realizing even then what an honor it was to see him alive. Who would have thought he’d still be alive and thriving and doing good so many years later.
Aunt Jamesina
So cool! I was set to do this last summer and then had a family emergency right before my trip :-(
Anonie
Ah what a bummer! I’m sorry you missed out.
Anon
Up until a few years ago, he handed out awards at the local Plains 5k. I’m a recreational runner and normally run longer distances, but I trained my ass off for that 5k in order to win my age group. What he and Rosalynn have done for their little corner of southwest Georgia could fill books and they are so quiet about it, or as quiet as one can be when you’re the former President and First Lady. He’s an absolutely lovely man and far too decent of a person to be President.
Aunt Jamesina
This is awesome.
Anon
Love this!
Recs for wet spice blender
Ladies
I just pulled the trigger on a Vitamix professional 7500 blender but also wanted to know whether it could be used for wet spices? I had to order it online as it isn’t sold in my country and it’s super expensive.
If it’s not good for that, any recs for a wet spice / herb blender? I’m Indian so it’s mostly chutneys etc.
Thanks!
Aunt Jamesina
If you’re making chutneys, etc in larger quantities so it clears the bottom of the blade, it should work great. For small quantities, an immersion blender or mini food processor are the way to go.
Anon
There’s a vitamix subReddit that is full of good info and advice.
Anon
I’m a pretend Indian (that is, Indian food is my favorite and I’ve spent most of shelter in place learning how to cook it better) and I get great results on wet chutneys with the little nutri bullet my kids talked me into based on a tv ad. They wanted it for smoothies and they do still use it for that, but I’ve made great green chutney in it about once a week for months now. Also, pesto, harissa, and my favorite is to purée a can of whole tomatoes before making a sauce.
Anon
Can anyone recommend an online photography course? I treated myself to a dslr camera last year and have played around with it but I think I’d benefit from taking a structured class. Thanks!
Another Anon
Following!
notinstafamous
There’s a series of 5 courses on photography on Coursera from the University of Michigan that talk about photography! I’m thinking about signing up.
Anon
Great Courses has an excellent one with Joel Sartore, a fantastic National Geographic photographer. You could subscribe to their all-in plan via app/web which will be cheaper monthly than the cost of the course itself. Also, all Great Courses go on sale at least 1x a year at about 75% off.
Anonymous
My BF told me for the first time last night that he plans to vote for Jorgensen. BF is in a red leaning swing state (I am not). He voted for Trump in 2016 (long before I met him) for economic reasons and claims to deeply regret his mistake. He knows I’m horrified by Trump and the prospect of another 4 years; he initially lied to me about his 2016 vote because he knew there would not be another date if I knew the truth. BF came clean about Jorgensen after I said something along the lines of, can you believe these idiots in swing states throwing away their votes? He was “shocked” that I didn’t know; he had mentioned that he’s voting for “Jo/e” (always spoken) but had never mentioned any Jorgensen or libertarian positions. He claims that no one calls Biden “Joe” so of course I must’ve known he was referring to Jorgensen. He claims that he has a duty to vote for the best candidate for the job – he doesn’t support Biden due to his age – and that the two party system will never change if we don’t change it with our votes.
I’m absolutely shattered. This is a person I was planning a future and a family with. I told him you cannot be an ally if you refuse to fight against tyranny. You cannot claim to love someone and refuse to stand up for their right to be treated as a person. And if you care about third parties so much then support them down ballot, through legislation, and through grassroots efforts – you are not doing any of those things. I feel so betrayed. I feel lied to. I don’t know what to do with this. Anyone else in this situation?
Anon
While I totally believe that a vote for anyone besides Biden is a vote for Trump I have to come to terms with the fact that nearly my entire immediate family will vote Libertarian, while several members of my extended family will vote for Trump. My parents have voted Libertarian in several elections, a cousin voted for Trump just to shake things up, and in 2016 my brother didn’t vote at all because he didn’t like either candidate (luckily at least my brother has come around and will vote for Biden). While I 100% disagree with them and think they’re all a HUGE part of the problem, they are my family and I love them and their votes won’t get in the way of that. It’s frustrating , and I think Trump is abhorrent and they’re all complicit in his election but it is what it is. In their day to day lives they’re compassionate people who are nothing like Trump and I’ve argued politics with them until they’re blue in the face.
Anonymous
If you don’t vote Trump out you are inherently not a compassionate person. What you mean is that your family treats you well.
Anon
I was hesitant to post this because I didn’t want to see people trashing my family. Glad to see it took all of 5 minutes.
I love my east coast liberal bubble where we all think Trump is the spawn of Satan and can’t entertain the thought of voting for anyone else but we do have to remember that not everyone is like us and some people (inexplicably) have their reasons that they truly think are worth voting for someone besides Biden. No one in my immediate family is voting for Trump but they have their reasons to not vote for Biden and while it drives me insane and I do everything I can to try to convince them otherwise, I have to respect their decisions
ANON
That’s entirely false, FYI. One vote does not outdo lots of charitable actions in your own life, including to minorities and economically disadvantaged people.
Anonymous
Sorry – you think Trump supporters helping at their local soup kitchen or whatever somehow weighs against actively supporting a white supremacist who is endangering many of our democratic institutions? Wow. That must be some soup.
Anon
Anon at 9:23 here and my third party voting parents actually do volunteer several hours a week. Their volunteer work is 100% supporting poor people, almost all of whom are not white.
anon 9:34
I live in a town/city of 100K in the midwest. Not everyone here is on the east coast. There are no ‘reasons’ not to vote for Trump. It is not a kind, humane or Christian thing to do. And you don’t have to respect their decisions. You don’t have to cut off contact with them as I have chosen to do with any Trump supporting extended family members but you do not have to be respectful of their decision to support a president who struggles to condemn white supremacists.
Anon
Comments like this is what make me nervous about polls. People will still quietly vote for Trump or quietly vote third party, they just won’t vocalize that. Silencing the other side doesn’t mean you win….
Anonymous
How are they silenced? Trump supporters are vocal AF. And Trump is actively trying to silence his opposition through various voter misinformation and suppression tactics.
Anon
Trump supporters are very vocal but Trump wasn’t elected by his supporters, who represent a fraction of those who voted for him. There are lots of people who did and will quietly vote for Trump. If you insist on this anyone who doesn’t vote for Biden is a horrible human being, you lose an opportunity to engage with them and change their mind. Of course no one wearing a MAGA hat is going to change their minds but there are a lot of other people who are planning to vote for Trump or a third party who there’s a hope to reach. Telling them they are awful is just going to result in those people stop talking about politics or voting but it won’t change their vote and then we’ll be here on November 4th going what happened, everyone was saying they were voting Biden!
Anonymous
I’m not sure we share a definition of “compassionate people”
anon
The difference is that those people are already your family and you don’t have a choice — that’s not the case for OP.
Monday
Strongly agree. Choosing a partner is part of building a new family, or adding to the one you have. You get to reject people for reasons like this, thus shaping your family to exclude them and avoiding them being parents/caregivers to your children. OP’s boyfriend’s behavior is so disingenuous I’d definitely not want to get in any deeper.
Anonymous
You just have to make a decision about whether you can be with someone with differing views than you. Some people are fine with it. Others are not. Sounds like you may not be.
But his last point (“that the two party system will never change if we don’t change it with our votes”) is not wrong.
Anonymous
+1 the system gave us these two clowns in a country of 300M people. I would say a majority of the country prefers neither (and a majority of her party didn’t even support Harris or even a sizeable minority). And yet this is what a two-party system gets us. 2016 options were also generally unlikable. We keep getting flawed candidates but we won’t learn the hard lesson we need to.
I do think that the age of the candidates generally and the chance that the senate might flip means that people see the race as Pence vs Harris with a D house and D senate and think that maybe they hold their nose and vote for Pence so that things don’t lurch leftward quickly if there is a sense that D’s will sweep. There are only a few competitive senate seats, so what matters in other states is hard to influence vs casting your top vote one way even if you are a middle-of-the-road voter (which I think most voters actually are and there is no real balance anywhere to be found other than praying for divided government).
Anon
Biden is not a clown or a flawed candidate. I don’t understand this idea that the president has to be someone you adore. I don’t really understand what’s so terrible about choosing between only two candidates at the end, and, especially in this election, it’s a very clear choice for anyone who isn’t a fascist and white supremacist.
Anon
+1. Biden is fine and I would dump anyone who even thought there was a question about whether Trump is better.
Senior Attorney
This. I couldn’t be with somebody like that. My husband was a Republican when we met in late 2014 and I am so thankful that he left the party when it nominated Trump.
Anonymous
You need a well functioning democracy to change from a two party system. So his last point is not wrong in that we are seriously at risk of ending up with what is functionally a one party system if Biden doesn’t win this election. We have a President who is actively and regularly retweeting and propagating false information. This is not a normal election year. We are not trying to improve the current system, we are trying to ensure that we don’t lose what we currently have.
Aunt Jamesina
THIS!
OP
This is a really good point, thank you. If you support a multiparty system then use your vote to make sure we don’t have a one party system.
Anonymous
It’s so very important. Democracy is a not a static state. It must be protected to survive and Trump fundamentally does not value democracy.
People forget that Russia is technically a multi-party democracy. There are still elections but they are always manipulated so Putin and his party win. Previously they had term limits on the Prime Ministerial and Presidential positions but the powers associated with each position were changed and the term limits were changed so that whichever position Putin occupied, he could continue to occupy and have maximum power. These amendments were all passed by their legislature. There is no reason to believe Trump will not serve a third term if he can win this election. They would totally amend to allow that to happen, there was noise enough around that for Reagan and that was a much more measured and bipartisan time. He could easily serve until he dies, likely running with Ivanka as his VP during his third term to perpetuate the dynasty. Heck, NY Times literally referenced a Trump supporter wearing a Barron 2052 pin. Not everyone value democracy in this country. We need to vote to protect it.
OP
Yeah I get it, and I think my response would be different if he were doing a lot to support third parties. His position seems like a cop out, though. He’s never voted in a state or local election. He’s not supporting any other third party candidates down ballot. He’s never donated time or money to grassroots campaigns to improve representation of third parties. He’s never so much as picked up the phone to call a representative to support legislation that would improve third parties. Why is it that the ONE way to support third parties that ALSO has the effect of supporting Trump is the only thing you’re willing to do to help third parties?
Anonymous
How was ‘has never voted in a state or local election’ not an immediate dealbreaker?
Anon
Amen.
Anon
It must be nice to be so perfect. I know very few people who are active in local politics. Most will go out to vote for governor and president and that is it. The only person I know who votes in every election is my mom and she got an award from her town because it is so rare!
Anon
We all get to choose our own individual deal breakers for our life partners. Not caring about local and state politics is one for me. You do you, we don’t have to marry each other.
anne-on
Yea, I think that attitude of ‘must support a strong 3rd party’ while ALSO not doing anything to vote or shape local politics would be a deal breaker for me, especially in this election.
Anonymous
Yeah because he’s selfish
AnonMPH
I mean, I couldn’t date him. But if it makes you feel better, if he voted for Trump in 2016 and this time he is voting for a third party, then he is actually a tally that helps biden.
Aunt Jamesina
It doesn’t sound like you have a whole lot of respect for his choices. What are the redeeming points of your relationship?
NYCer
+1. This alone would not be a deal breaker for me, but it sounds like it might be for you.
Anonymous
+1. This alone would not be a deal breaker for me, but it sounds like it might be for you.
Anon
Ok I would dump anyone who voted for Trump. The man is evil and incompetent and narcissist. While I’m 100% team Biden and was “vote blur no matter who”, I also don’t think vilifying anyone who doesn’t vote Biden is the answer.
There’s a lot of morals that I have that the rest of this board would scoff at (I would never work for a corporation as I think almost all of them are unethical and I can’t imagine working just to make those at the top richer, I think you have sold your soul if you pick a profession solely on the money if it’s something you don’t really enjoy… I ´au be an underpaid, overworked local government employee but I love what I do and I help people every da*n day and I’m at peace with the fact that while I’ll never be rich, I will have done a lot of good in this world), but diversity in EVERYTHING, including getting out of our political bubble, is important.
We need to walk the walk and as Democrats who preach acceptance and the importance of diversity and understanding, then we need to be understanding of those with other views so long as they’re not actively harmful (like many of Trump’s). We should be sympathetic that many, many people are having a really, really hard time deciding who to vote for (much like they did in 2016). That people base their votes off of different matters. Taking the opinion that anyone who votes for anyone besides Biden is a bad person only deepens the divide.
Anonymous
The corporation thing — what does an organization’s corporate status matter? Like would you work for an LLC or a general partnership or a limited partnership but not a corporation? Most nonprofits have to be organized legally as corporations, so I am really not understanding this. Maybe it is short-hand for “a big business” or a “publicly traded company”? I hate to say it, but I’ve generally found that small businesses often can’t afford to staff the governance structures that you need if things start to go sideways (grabby go-worker and you have no one in HR to go to to get reassigned b/c it is a company of 25 people all of whom are overtaxed and the lines are blurry; you just have to get a new job if you don’t like your current job).
Anonymous
We don’t need to be sympathetic or understanding to people who support white supremacists. Like do you not understand that Germany was a functional democracy before Hitler came to power. Voting him out is essential to the continuation of our functioning democracy. And I say ‘functioning democracy’ because there are many countries such as Russia that are in theory democracies but do not function that way in practice. That is the road we are currently on – the current president actively shares information designed to undermine the voting process.
Anonymous
You missed my point. The OP is devestated by this. Whether or not YOU think dems need to tolerate third party voters generally does not mean she should stay in a serious relationship which someone whose values differ this dramatically from hers.
Are you even being serious with this or just using my comment as a springboard to pat yourself on the back/demonstrate your complete misunderstanding of basic business structures?
OP
This is a false dichotomy. You can respect other opinions and not want to raise children with the people who hold them, or trust those people to make decisions about your healthcare if you are incapacitated by, say, a crisis pregnancy or delivery.
NYNY
DTMFA
Anon
I’m not in this situation, but I understand your feelings completely and would feel the same way. I’m so sorry.
Airplane.
Sounds like he is going to repeat his mistake. If he heavily regrets it and understands the logical process of how elections work here, he understands that a vote that isn’t for Biden is a vote for Trump. Let’s not repeat our mistakes when we have full access to resources and the process is very clear.
Anonymous
He voted Trump in 2016. I don’t get how you’re surprised by this. Like Trump has multiple credible s.a. accusations in 2016 and your BF shrugged and voted for him. People can change their views but you had to have realized he was not actively supporting Biden etc.
I could never be with a Trump supporter, too many differences on fundamental values. Huge dealbreaker. And voting third party counts as being a Trump supporter because you are not actively using your vote to get him out of office.
This election is about preserving democracy, we can worry about transitioning to a three party system after that.
Anon
Voting for Trump is a litmus test on whether someone is a good person. I would not say the same thing for “voting for a republican.”
Anonymous
This. I totally dated GOP supporters on multiple occasions. This is not like dating someone who voted for Bush 1 or 2. Trump is a whole other ballgame.
Anon
100%
Anyone who votes for trump is a bad person. I would have never made a similar statement about Romney, McCain, Bush, etc
JHC
This.
Em
+1 my husband is independent and voted for one local Republican candidate. Voting for Trump would be a dealbreaker for me.
Anon
I’m the one who posted the litmus test comment (so I know to some, I’ll seem too rigid), but I actually respect people like your husband more. I don’t think it’s a good thing to be “all blue no matter who” (or all red) most of the time – I think it can show that you’re not really researching the candidates or thinking for yourself. Trump is unique and different, though, and I firmly believe that anyone who votes for him now is not a person worth spending time with, much less marrying.
Betsy
I mean….it sounds like this guy has a pattern of lying to you about politics if he lied originally about voting for Trump to get another date, and has been regularly saying he’s voting for Jo(e). So many people refer to Biden as “Joe,” his suggestion otherwise is absolutely false! I think it’s one thing to be in a relationship with someone with different political beliefs – I wouldn’t want to do it because my strongly held politic beliefs are all based on human rights, but lots of people make it work. However, I definitely wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to me. If he’s lying to you about this to keep from upsetting you, what else is he lying about?
Anonymous
+ 1 on the lying to you so that you don’t get upset is a horrible relationship thing even if you totally ignore the political aspects. That really really does not bode well for a true partnership – you need to be able to tell your partner the hard stuff and not lie about it
The original Scarlett
Agreed. The lying to you is basically gaslighting to keep you in the relationship. I also cannot imagine being with someone I disagreed with politically. I know couples make it work, but I would find It absolutely exhausting on top of being a values misalignment. There are other men out there, it’s hard to break up but don’t go with the sunk cost fallacy – I’d leave him over this
Anon
Yeah this is a huge red flag. Lying about something that he knows is important to you to get you to go out with him? Not good. This plus the votes would be a huge deal breaker for me. I would not want to start a family or plan a future with this person.
Monday
+1. This is not about him “holding different political views.” (Though in these times even that is a dealbreaker for me.) This is bizarre manipulation and deceit. He is not acceptable as a partner. He does not respect you. I’m sorry.
Anonymous
Worse than his vote is the lying to you to trick/manipulate you into being with him. He doesn’t respect you or your right to make your own decisions with a full set of information.
Anonymous
Yeah to me it’s just the worst of toxic masculinity. If you’re going to be contrary on this who knows what other stupidity will follow. I’m sorry. And I’d dump him too.
Anon
I’m sorry – I’d break up with him no question. This sucks.
anon
I’m a Libertarian and actually think Jo is great, but I’m voting Biden because I’m in a swing state and Trump is the biggest threat to civil liberties I’ve seen in my lifetime. My husband is the same. In other years and other elections, I’ll fight for Libertarian policies and candidates, but the stakes are too high here.
Also, lying to you about this isn’t good.
Vicky Austin
OK, look. Stripping away all the questions of which candidate is the correct choice, the problem here is “he lied to me about his vote because he knew there would not be another date if I knew the truth.”
He told you who he was from the beginning. I’m very sorry. I think you should move on.
Anonyz
He intentionally misled you using homophones, repeatedly lied, then played dumb. You have much bigger problems than his politics.
Anonie
I can relate in that my fiance, whom I love with all my heart, agrees with me that Trump is a fool, reads liberal news sources daily, supports my democratic values (although he leans much more to the center than I do), and yet is not planning to vote at all simply because he has never voted in his life. I am pleading with him to register to vote before the cutoff date in our state but, because we live in a heavily red state, he says his vote for Biden wouldn’t “count for anything anyway.” He is not yet 30, he grew up in a family with one parent who voted consistently red (that parent is not a Trump fan at all, but we suspect they voted begrudgingly for Trump in 2016 and will stay home this year) and one parent who took pride in never voting at all.
I would have never ended up with my fiance if he were a Trump voter. That would have been a firm (red, ha) line for me. However, he is an amazing man who supports my values, will listen to me vent about politics, and is the best partner imaginable in countless ways. Because he has consistently been open to growth and change in many other areas of life (i.e. going to premarital counseling with me, learning to cook, taking on many of my hobbies) I am honestly hopeful that he will eventually become a voter…maybe in time for the 2024 election.
Also, what part of the country do you and your boyfriend live in? We have spent our whole lives in the south, my fiance went to a private Christian college, and he was not exposed to much democratic thought before he met me. Just the simple act of NOT voting for Trump is a statement in the town where my fiance lived until he moved to a bigger blue southern city for me. I personally would give your boyfriend more grace depending on his background.
Look at your relationship as objectively as possible. If you stay with your partner, will he support you in giving financially to the causes you believe in? Will he commit to teaching your children your shared values? At the core, do you share the same views on the topics you hold dearest? If so, this relationship may very well be worth holding onto despite your political differences.
I will say that the evidence of lying/manipulation here worry me more than his actual decision at the ballot. I have a hard time believing he had no idea that saying “Joe” was misleading. Think about this very carefully. Does he have a habit of lying to you or “tweaking” the truth to make it more palatable?
Dating/marrying a non-voter or a libertarian voter is not necessarily a deal breaker (for me), but I think spending my life with a habitual liar would be just as bad (maybe worse) than ending up with a Trump supporter.
Aunt Jamesina
Did you set him straight about the fact that votes for Biden in red states actually count MORE than in blue states?
Anonie
I feel foolish here for not knowing where you are going with that statement. I’d love to hear more. Perhaps I can convince him in time for this election! Please share any arguments you may have.
Aunt Jamesina
I really meant that blue votes in a red state determine the election more than in a blue state, not that they count more. Basically, blue votes in already blue states are just more noise in a guaranteed state. Blue votes in traditionally red states or swing states are what will likely determine this election. I guess if you’re in Mississipi or the like, a blue vote won’t likely turn it around, but it absolutely can influence somewhere like Arizona.
Anonymous
Just as an example of how much one vote can matter. My Canadian province has a minority government because one candidate won a seat by 3 votes. Initially a slightly wider margin but only three votes difference on the recount. If they had won the seat, they would have had enough seats for a majority government.
Anonie
Thanks @Anonymous at 11:47. I will pass along this anecdote.
Anonie
Ah I see what you mean. Unfortunately, we are in a state nearly as red as Mississippi. Thank you, though! I may borrow some of that wording in talking to him about it over the next few days. Fingers crossed!
KS IT Chick
I’m in Kansas. Normal elections show the Republicans winning the presidential election here by 15 to 30 percent. Trump is currently holding onto a single digit lead. We may elect the first Democratic senator from the state in nearly a century, because the Republican candidate hitched his wagon to the president (and is otherwise and awful person).
Voting blue in a red state sometimes feels pointless. But, we have managed to elect a successful Democratic governor by not giving up and pushing hard to keep our focus.
Anonie
Thank you for sharing! I will share about Kansas with him, as well.
OP
Thank you, this perspective gives me a lot to think about.
Anonie
You are welcome. I was hoping it could be helpful! Wishing you well as you assess your relationship and make your decision.
Anon
Your fiancé is a man baby who thinks that other people will do the work of voting for him. He needs to grow up. It is 100% not ok to have any opinion at all about politics if you couldn’t be bothered to vote.
Anonie
Though I can only assume you commented with poor intentions and I dislike your name-calling, I can admit that I would like him to grow in that area. I know him as a person and I love him and admire his character, so I’ll stay happily with him while acknowledging that no one is perfectly mature in every area and we can all stand to grow…perhaps particularly those who are quickest to throw tacky anonymous insults.
Anon
I’m sorry it’s not what you want to hear, but voting is one of the major rights and responsibilities of adulthood.
Anon
“Voting is one of the major rights and responsibilities of adulthood” just sounds silly to me. I vote, but I didn’t choose this political system, and I’m not more of an adult than someone who never voted or never heard of voting because they lived within a different political system. Am I really more of an adult than someone whose goals can’t be achieved by voting or who has concluded that voting is a bad idea and a bad way of governing?
Anonie
I really wasn’t seeking your approval or hoping to hear anything specific from you. And yes, voting is a major right and responsibility of adulthood. Fortunately for me, him, and the family we hope to have someday, my fiance is admirably handling other rights and responsibilities of adulthood and I’m proud to become his wife. Like me and like all of us, he is imperfect and handles some responsibilities better than others. I hope you are acing every single one of your rights and responsibilities without fault.
Anon
“Leaving power on the table” can feel like abdication to me, which is why I feel strongly about voting in elections where participating is likely to affect outcomes. But if I’m honest, I leave power on the table in other ways and in other parts of my life. I also often think I know better than other people what is best for them, but not everyone feels this way in every area.
Anonie
That is fair. In fact, failing to vote feels wrong on many levels for me, too. When I learned very early in our relationship that my fiance had never registered to vote, I was upset, disappointed, and thought very long and hard about what this meant for our future. Ultimately, I am very grateful that I didn’t end our relationship based on this one (not unsubstantial) mismatch in priorities.
I shared my perspective with the OP because I thought it could be insightful for her. No potential partner will be perfect, but it is a matter of choosing the imperfect person who best suits us.
anon
Don’t even bother arguing with Anonie. She has excuses and justifications for everything.
Anonie
Anon at 2:51, what is a more acceptable response? I told the commenter that, despite her name-calling my fiance, I conceded her point. I said that not voting personally would be a wrong choice for me, that I am hopeful my fiance comes around eventually, and that I have chosen him as my life partner despite the fact that he is imperfect (as am I).
What am I supposed to do? Break off my engagement because some internet commenter thinks he’s a man baby? I am not justifying his decision not to vote (he’s wrong in that regard) but I am justifying my choice of him as a life partner because the OP was seeking advice on a similar situation.
Anon
For the record, I’m the Anon you’ve been responding to but not all the anons. I didn’t say dump your fiancé, though that would be a deal-breaker for me. I said he needs to grow up. I stand by that.
Anonie
Anon at 4:34, I don’t actually disagree with you. My fiancé SHOULD vote. My point to the OP is that any potential partner will be flawed and that she needs to decide if the political differences and/or possible lying are a dealbreaker or something she can live with.
Anyway, I’ll wish you well and stop responding at this point.
Anon
DTMFA. There’s no coming back from this. He lied to you and is gaslighting you.
Anon100
+100 gurl, he’s gaslighting you. That’s not acceptable.
Anon
You were definitely lied to. He absolutely used Jo/e to mislead you and for him to claim otherwise is utter BS.
Aunt Jamesina
“I’m voting for Joe” in quotes retrieves over 75k results on Google. “I’m voting for Jo” gets 3,860. He’s being willfully obtuse.
Anon
This is really deceptive. He misled you about something that he knows is important to you – that’s not okay. I’m so sorry but please take this as a serious demonstration of his character.
Anon
I’m in my mid-30s, single, and am thinking about buying a house slightly outside of my large, high cost of living city. I always imagined I would buy a house with my husband with the intention of filling it with kids. I still want those things but I also want to continue moving my life forward. I guess I’m just struggling with deciding whether to buy a house on my own now, or continue waiting until (if/I hope I do) I find my person. Does anyone have advice on this?
Anonymous
I’m a big proponent of living the life you have now.
If you don’t buy a house now because you’re waiting for some external event that may or may not (but I hope does!!) happen, at what point do you give in and just buy it? 40? 45? 50? At that point, you could have spent years enjoying a wonderful home you’ve built for yourself, as well as building equity. If you do decide to get married AND you want to start afresh as a new family, you can always sell it.
Ellen
Agreed, except you may attract some guys who see you as a deep pocket for them. They will wine and dine you, and do all kinds of stuff to get married, then clam up quick unless you sign over the house and assets to them. My freind had this happen to her, and she is now divorced but gave up everything to him to get rid of him. Please be careful if you decide to go this route!
Anon
Buy your house. If someone comes along you make decisions on what to do next. In the meantime, live your life!
I vastly prefer owning to renting if only for the space and the yard. You may enjoy it as well.
Anon
If you want to be a homeowner and live in the burbs at this point in your life, 100% go for it! If it’s something you want, do not wait until things look the way you think they should (totally agree to live the life you have now!)
However, if you’re interested in buying a house because youre 35 and you thought by now you’d be married, starting a family and needing a house then dont just fo it because you’ve hit whatever age
Anon
The only thing I’d add would be – what’s the dating scene like in the town you want to buy in? A friend is 28, single and moved to a far out suburb of our city (about an hour on the train, unsure about driving). She’s living with family but wants to buy a house in her town’s cute downtown (which is walkable and has shops/bars/restaurants/train station) but is very much an older vibe. It’s very much a town that people move to when they’re married, have kids, and want space and good schools (it’s an excellent school district). She’s upset that her dating prospects and local social life (all of her friends live in the city) are nonexistent , but it’s just not an area where young, single people live.
Anonymous
Mortgage rates have never been lower.
I was on my third house when I met my now-spouse, who also had a house. We sold both houses and got an “our” house near my house. Real estate doesn’t stop you from finding a partner. Housing is a need.
The original Scarlett
+1 – it’s really not a bad thing to have your own assets when you meet your future partner. I’d only consider whether your after times social life will be fun in the area you’re considering. So I’d view it as a buy in the city v buy in the burbs choice, and either being a great result depending on what you enjoy
Airplane.
Do it. It’s great. And maybe you’ll meet a spouse and he will have his own house too. And then you are in a good position to sell or move or buy a third house and rent, on and on. Do not put your life now on hold! Also, at 2.98 rates, do it!
Anonymous
I struggled with this a lot when I bought. My compromise was to buy below budget and with an eye to easily selling or renting. I can comfortably carry this mortgage plus half of rent/mortgage in a bigger place, if needed. My neighborhood is popular; houses sell quickly and there are a few rentals with stable, long term renters. Basically, if I needed to get out of the house or buy myself some time to make decisions, I have the freedom to do it. I’d recommend looking at starter home prices in a decent school district, even if you can afford more and you don’t really care about the schools.
Equestrian+Attorney
I bought a home alone shortly after my marriage ended (I bought a condo, but I’m a city person so it worked for my lifestyle). I used the money I had been saving throughout my 20s for the family home that never was. I love my condo, love that I own it alone and got to decorate it to my liking. Because life has weird twists of fate, I met someone else shortly after moving in, he moved in a few months ago and we eventually will buy something bigger together. But if you can afford it and it’s what you want, go for it! You can always adjust later on, but live the life you have now, as the poster above mentioned.
Anonymous
I vote buy the house but think carefully about what size of house you take on and the maintenance costs associated. DH and I went from 1100sq ft to 2700 sq ft on a larger lot and honestly it’s a PITA to keep up with the inside and outside stuff whether cleaning or maintenance. We don’t earn enough to outsource beyond mowing and biweekly cleaners and we enjoy having our weekends free for recreational activities but it seems like something always needs to be done – weed the garden, trim the bushes, touch up paint somewhere etc.
Anonymous
I’m in the same position! And planning to buy a house next summer, husband or not, and get myself pregnant husband or not.
asdf
My only advice from the other side of kid/house acquisition would be to check how daycare costs will impact your housing budget. In my case, our mortgage and daycare costs for one are about equal. Kind of wish we had planned that one a little better…
Anonymous
This. I had surprise twins on my second pregnancy (no fertility interventions, no family history). Our daycare bills exceeded our mortgage costs for three years. It was brutal. We only survived because we bought a house that we could afford (only barely) if one of us lost their job. Otherwise we would have been sunk.
Anonymous
Yes, as a functioning adult I have thought about how I will pay to care for my child, thank you.
Senior Attorney
Heh good answer.
Anonymous
So she’s not a ‘functioning adult’ because she had sticker shock over daycare prices? That’s a bit unnecessarily mean. Suggest you don’t bother reading over on the Moms page as advice about childcare costs and options for how to manage in different scenarios/changes/budgets is one of the most commonly discussed topics.
Anon
You know what’s a bit mean? Offering condescending advice to a non parent as if they were a stupid idiot.
Anonymous
Yes thanks anon at 1:23. I didn’t ask for advice.
Anonymous
Yeah, can’t have anyone trying to help based on their own mistake/experience. Better shut that down asap.
Anon
Good for you!
One of my best friends decided to get pregnant via sperm donation. She’s a single mom of two teen kids who has had a variety of relationships throughout. It takes the pressure off of any dating relationship (do you/don’t you want kids, ticking time clock etc) and unlike many, many of our mutual friends who are now dealing with divorce and custody battles, she never has to face that. They’re her kids and only her kids. All these years later, she looks pretty smart to me.
I’m in my fifties. All those big, beautiful, hopeful weddings I went to in my thirties … some are intact, many are not. Nothing is certain.
Intrigued
I’m in my 30s and thinking about taking this path in a couple of years. I would love to know more details about your friend’s path if you’re willing to share.
Anon
I don’t know that there’s much to share. She made the decision, went to her OB to figure out whether she was in good shape to conceive. She chose donor sperm based on someone who looked kind of like her (similar ethnicity, build, hair color, eye color) so that her kids would just look like her, which they do. She has two daughters from the same donor so they’re full siblings.
Her nearby uncle (gay, childless) stepped up to be a “father figure” so that the girls would have a man in their lives.
It’s been a great arrangement for her and her daughters are well adjusted, normal teenagers.
No
I did this. I was also afraid that I was going to be judged for buying too much house for one person. Honestly, I’m way happier not having to share walls in an apartment or condo anymore and I managed to fill up all those extra rooms quick enough especially now that I’m home all the time. I’m pretty handy so that wasn’t a major concern but knew I hated hardworking so I got a lot with minimal grass and factored the cost of a landscaping company into my overall budget. No regrets.
Anon
Wait, who exactly is going to judge how much house you’re buying? I can’t imagine anyone whose opinions I value doing that to me.
Anon
No advice but at 35 I’m still in my “starter” apartment I thought I would move out of when I met someone…oops. I can’t afford a house and the apartment is fine, I just think it’s sort of funny looking back that I thought it would be a temporary home!
Anon
Buy your house now for the hedonistic pleasure of decorating it and outfitting it how you want. Dear god how I miss not having a television in nearly every room.
Senior Attorney
This. I met my husband right at the very beginning of remodeling/decorating the house I thought I would live in alone forever. By the time it was finished we were engaged and planning to move to his (twice as big) house. But honestly I’m not sorry I got to go through the process, just once, of making a house exactly how I wanted it.
Aunt Jamesina
In your shoes, I would buy a house in the suburbs if I wanted a house in the suburbs. Many people make 2 bedroom city condos work with small children, so buy whatever you really, truly want.
I will say that my husband and I bought two years ago with the hope of having children, but now we’re dealing with infertility and now I’m sort of wondering how much I’d want to keep this home (that I really, really love) in the event we didn’t end up having kids. We did buy a modestly sized ranch, so it’s not as though we’re sitting on 4k square feet.
CountC
I’m in my early 40s and single, and last year I sold my city house and bought a house in the suburbs. I LOVE IT. Buy the house!
anon
First – following comment is in no way meant to dissuade – if it’s the time/it feels right/you just want to – do it! It’s always a good time to invest in yourself.
But….I’m your age and recently got divorced and sold my house in the (sort of distant) suburbs of a VHCOL city. I describe myself as fiercly independant and relatively handy, but before I moved back to the city and was living in the house alone I was unpleasantly surprised at how hard I found it. Obviously partly hard due to the relationship circumstances but a lot of random things like oh wow the fridge is leaking or wait how does the snowblower work or hmmm the heat isn’t working in this upstairs bedroom, on top of all the standard issue maintenence, really wore on me. I think houses are always work but it’s definitley something I still think now about when I fantasize about leaving rental life again.
HW
One of the things I loved on Parks and Recreation was that Anne and Leslie both owned their own houses.
Cb
A small technical question: I have to save webpages as PDFs on a regular basis and it is so annoying to print to PDF, especially if I’m doing loads of them. Is there a work around or plugin that would help? If it was just me working on this, I’d import to Nvivo or Evernote but my co-authors are not the most technically literate people and this might be a bridge too far.
anonshmanon
Idk, print to PDF seems handy for me – can you be more specific about what you find annoying?
Anonymous
There are different PDF tools from MSFT, Adobe, etc. You might try installing an additional one, it will show up in your print menu as a different option, and give it a try.
Anon
There are lots of browser plugins you can get – I think FireShot is one . I used to do that a lot but can’t remember. If you just have lists of webpages you have to save, you can get (or write) a python script to do that.
Anonymous
This tip helps with PDF generation, but you’ll still need to figure out how to file/save the PDFs. If you have an iPhone: take a screenshot of the webpage and in the editing popup window, there is a toggle between “screen” and “full page.” The “Full Page” option generates a PDF that you can text or email or save to your phone or iCloud.
Anon
I need a kick in the pants to organize my apartment (…and finish unpacking – I moved six weeks ago). What are your favorite organization / cleaning tips, products or inspiration?
Cb
I like to do power hours – where I’ll put music or a podcast on and see how much I can get done. When I need a break from my desk, I’ll go and find 5 things that are out of place and put them away. If I’m doing a full on clean, I start in one corner of the flat and work outwards.
Abby
I have never been as excited to clean as I was after I read Marie Kondo’s book. I also watched her Netflix shows, but it didn’t have the same effect on me.
Aunt Jamesina
This and Home Comforts by Cheryl Mendelson. Marie Kondo’s is a good quick read for organizing, and Mendelson’s is a tome that will tell you all you need to know about cleaning, but because it’s magically a combo comfort read/reference book, you don’t have to read it straight through.
Sometimes I tell myself I’ll just clean out one drawer or part of a room, and it’s enough to get me started.
Anon
Thanks for recommending this! I love the phrase “comfort read” – that is weirdly how I see Emily Post’s Etiquette. I am ordering this to read during the fall/winter, when I spend so much more time at home.
Aunt Jamesina
I totally get it! I have a 1970s copy of Amy Vanderbilt’s Guide to Etiquette that I read periodically. You never know when I’ll need to address a sovereign in a letter.
Senior Attorney
Heh I have a whole collection of etiquette books going back to the 1920s. If any of you needs to know how to plan your (private, just for you) debutante ball or display your wedding gifts for callers, hit me up.
Vicky Austin
OMG, my grandma had a copy of Amy Vanderbilt that lived in the room where I slept when I stayed with her. I read that thing cover to cover. It was fascinating.
Aunt Jamesina
Don’t forget addressing one’s maid or when you have an audience with the Pope!
Aunt Jamesina
SA, I must know more about this private deb ball.
Senior Attorney
Aunt Jamesina, okay I was wrong. Not from the 20s, but from 1948, so post-war:
“One of the customs of the old order which stil survives, though in greatly odified form, is the ‘coming-out party’ to intorduce a girl to society.
” In the old days, no expense was spared to present a marriageable daughter impressively, and debutante parties were often unbelievably extravagent. But the modern girl has little taste for such ostentation. Rarely nowadays are the great formal balls with everyone on the mother’s list invited, regardless of age. The trend today is for simply entertaining, wiht the emphasis on gaity and a good time instead of impressive display. The guest list is made up almost entirely of young people, exepct for the few older relatives who must be invited out of courtesy and respect.
“A dance is of course the logical type of party for young people; and parents have their choice of three types of dances, all equally popular. The most elaborate is a dinner dance, given at home or in a club or hotel. Somewhat less elaborate is an evening of dancing followed by a simple supper, served at tables or buffet style. Simplest and often most enjoyable, especially at a country house or at a country club or inn, is a luncheon or afternoon tea with dancing. An afternoon party in the city should be planned for the week end or for a holiday so that all the young men who are invited can conveniently attend.”
And there’s more, of course, including this gem: “The young lady in whose honor the party is given receives with her mother throughout the event. She dances every dance, but returns to the side of her mother to receive and welcome guests during the intervals.”
Heh. Love it. “New Standard Book of Etiquette” by Lillian Eichler Watson, 1948.
Aunt Jamesina
Senior Attorney, I love it! Now I’m scheming ways to work a deb ball theme into our next party (whenever THAT actually happens)…
Senior Attorney
Just make sure you put the emphasis on gaity…
Anon
Home Comforts is my favorite book ever. I discovered it as a tween in the library when I was growing up in a very… uncomfortable home and it’s what I’ve dreamed of forever. The first few chapters are fantastic.
I think if you like Emily Post, you’ll like Home Comforts. I also recommend Live Alone and Like It — it was reprinted in paperback a few years ago.
Aunt Jamesina
Yes, I had some chaos in my home growing up and her ideas of a restful, comfortable home are right up my alley.
Aunt Jamesina
I’ve now added Live Alone and Like It to my list of books, thank you! I love reading old timey advice.
Anon
Oh my god, yes, her book is very inspiring. I did a huge clean after I read it and I accidentally put a photo album in a pile of books to toss and lost it forever – so be careful!
Abby
Not the same level of sentiment, but I put all of the clothes I wanted to donate/get rid of in boxes and stored them for 6 months. Obviously this isn’t possible if you don’t have the space, but I went through them again after that, pulled out one item to keep, and donated the rest without thought. Another bonus is I seriously cut back my shopping after cleaning & purging
Anon
I read her book and all I got out of it was basically a better way to fold clothes. I snorted laughing at the idea of thanking objects for their service. But I haven’t ever been a problematic clutter keeper like the people on her show.
My husband, on the other hand, watched her show with me occasionally (not ordinarily his cup of tea) and got totally inspired. He has a lot of junk in the attic – the kind of stuff you’re not sure whether you’ll need again, so out of sight out of mind – and now he’s up there all the time making piles and asking himself if they spark joy.
I caught him kneeling before a pile once. I asked him if he was thanking the items for their service. He denied it, but I don’t believe him.
Our different philosophies are this. I am an immediate get-rid-of-it person. 99% of the time it’s the right decision. Very occasionally – rarely- I will regret getting rid of something. Even more rarely, I will have to spend money to re-buy it. I believe this would literally kill my husband.
Anon
I didn’t buy into all the woo aspects of it, but I thought she had some really solid advice. One thing I come back to a lot is her advice to keep all things of the same type in the same spot instead of in various piles and drawers around the house.
I refuse to fold like her though.
LaurenB
It’s not woo. It’s based on her Shinto beliefs.
Anonyz
I watch Hoarders clips on YouTube. It kicks my a$$ into gear.
Anonymous
This is also me. DH says I throw out a garbage bag of stuff every time I watch an episode.
Sloan Sabbith
A really good audiobook. Seriously, I get more done when I have something to listen to in the background that I LOVE than any other time. The book blog Modern Mrs Darcy has great recommendations. She has a list titled “10 audiobooks so good you’ll want to fold another load of laundry, finish washing the dishes, or just sit in the driveway for 5 more minutes” with some good ones.
CountC
I binged The Home Edit on Netflix and by the end was starting to tackle spaces in my house and bought their second book!
Anon
Thanks, all, for the comments regarding safety yesterday. I am the one with the husband who is listening to conversations. I know he is because he has made comments with regard to conversations I have had at work that I know I have never mentioned to him. I think he know how long it takes me to park and get out of the car because he can hear the car stop and the car door open, etc. I don’t really think he has actual people watching me. The listening device is a USB drive that records on voice activation. He is very concerned with what I wear on a regular basis. Recently it was why I wear a cami with some outfits and not others. I tried to explain that it depends on the outfit, etc., but he didn’t like what I said. Unfortunately I got upset and said I have been dressing myself for about 40 years now, why do I have to explain it to you? He said if I cared about him I would wear what he wants me to. I am just now figuring out that, while things like this have been going on for years, it truly could be considered abuse. I’m somewhere in the midwest, but not comfortable giving any more info than that on location. I am trying to figure out who I can talk to and will try to find a time/location to contact a DV hotline. I have so many examples of things I wore or did that he somehow thought were inappropriate (and believe me I am a very conservative dresser in general) and then he gets mad for days on end. I also have been trying to exercise/eat healthier to become more generally fit, not loose weight or anything and he has become obsessive with my weight and makes me weigh myself in front of him to prove that I am not losing weight. Sorry to dump all of this, but it helps to put it down in writing.
Anon
Please please please call a DV hotline asap. Stay safe, sending you all the virtual hugs
Anon
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.799.SAFE (7233) – location agnostic.
Go “get a coffee” and call now. Do you suspect he’s monitoring your phone calls or debit card swipes? Consider finding a pay phone or calling a friend and using their phone if you need to have no record of the call. I don’t know anything about burner/prepaid phones but I know they’re cheap.
anonshmanon
This all extremely controlling and not normal.
anonshmanon
While my gut reaction response is in mod, I just want to point out one more thing: you haven’t mentioned that your partner ever got physically violent with you, and just in case this makes you think that you are somehow “not eligible” for a domestic violence shelter, here is the definition:
Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.
Vicky Austin
+1. “If you cared about me you’d wear what I want you to” is straight up not true. Real love does not control like this. I’m in a very rural area, but if by chance you’re near me my house is open to you.
Abby
If you are in the Metro Detroit area and are open to receiving help, let me know. Please get you & your kids to safety asap.
Anon
Please get help and stay safe. This will escalate and he will hurt you.
anne-on
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Yes + a million to contacting a DV hotline.
I’d also start trying to make a plan – small steps at a time if you are confident you are not in immediate danger -burner phones to contact family/make plans(the cheap-o wireless companies you pre-pay for, kept at the office) set money aside (small chunks at a time if necessary, ideally cash), ensure you have logins to all of your financial information, open a credit card or bank account in JUST your name and have it sent to a (new!) email address for all correspondence, make sure you have copies of personal documents/birth certificates/SS cards etc.
Anonymous
This. Please get help. Open new email account that you only access at the office. Stop accessing your other email accounts/FB/IG on your office computer. If you have a gmail account, make sure the tracking is turned off.
Whenever you use your debit card, ask for $10 or $20 cash back. Keep this money in the office them deposit in a bank account in your name only. Throw out the receipts immediately so no cash back receipt exists.
Write a letter explaining your situation to a friend, meet them for coffee and hand them the letter. Have them purchase a burner phone for you. Keep the burner at the office. He is controlling about the office because that is the one place he can’t control you as much.
LittleBigLaw
“He is controlling about the office because that is the one place he can’t control you as much.”
This is 100% spot on.
Anon
A step further….. are you jointly on accounts? on your cell phone bill? on the cars? What could he very easily, and technically legally cut you off from in a fit of rage?
Figure out how to protect yourself in little steps so you don’t wake up without a working cell phone or access to your contacts, for example.
So Anon
I didn’t see the message yesterday, but I want to reach out with support. Speaking from personal experience, when you are in this type of relationship, this behavior feels “normal,” and it is really difficult to see how controlling your partner has become. It happens by slow steps. I have no doubt that there is a ton of gaslighting going on (I can see it in the justifications in your message), so any time you question behavior, you are blamed and it becomes your fault for questioning/not going along/standing up for yourself. I want to reiterate what others have said: This is NOT normal behavior from a spouse. You are not provoking him. You are not the issue here. Full stop. His behavior is scary. Take this seriously. Reach out to a DV hotline in a way that feels safe. Go get a coffee, to your local library, a local store and ask to use their phone to make a call (say: I’m scared of my husband and I need to call a hotline on a phone he can’t trace. Can I use your phone?).
I wish I could help in person; I wish I could give you a hug, look you in the eyes and say that this is not your fault. You did exactly nothing to deserve this. Take this seriously because it will get worse. Those moments where he is “kind” or “nice” are all part of the act to keep you under his control. It is so hard to get out, but you can. Life can be better. If you want resources (podcasts, books, yout*be channels), let us know.
Senior Attorney
I don’t have anything to add to the excellent suggestions above, but I’m out here rooting for you and I’m here to tell you that it will be hard to leave but life is SO MUCH BETTER on the other side.
KS IT Chick
Does he know that you found the recording device?
You need to protect yourself in the event that you have confidential conversations that he might have recorded and listened to. As a part of your exit plan, figure out who at your employer can be trusted with the information that you are being emotionally abused, including potentially endangering your employment.
You are incredibly strong. We are all pulling for you.
eertmeert
Check out loveisrespect.org – this is a wonderful resource.
Please stay safe, and do not trust that he has your best interests at heart. This is scary stuff.
Anon
After a very hard year (duh) , I was feeling very burned out (essential worker who had more 80-90hr weeks than I care to admit), unhealthy (incredibly stressed, no time to workout or grocery shop/meal prep working those hours. Had way too many nights of pizza in the office with coworkers. Also was too exhausted to do the little things like sleep enough, drink water, do my skincare, stretch or take walks) and lonely (living alone and working so much and a pandemic meant I went months without seeing family/friends).
Happy to report that today is the first time in a long time I feel good. I decided this week to start making healthy decisions again. My social life (outdoors and distanced and masked) is pretty good. Work has finally calmed down. I’m just feeling good for the first time in a long time.
That being said – I expect this fall/winter to be rough both work wise, COVID wise , election wise and as a result health/lonely/emotionally. Now that I’m feeling good, what can I do to prep myself for the next go round? I have a crappy exercise bike that I can commit to using. I can’t meal prep ahead and freeze because my tiny freezer is maxed out already. Living in an apartment in a major city, now with a roommate.
Betsy
One thing I try to do when I have a breather ahead of a crazy stressful time is make meal plans and grocery lists to go along with them. Even if you can’t meal prep, just having that part done saves you from having to make decisions about meals when you already are dealing with decision fatigue.
Anon
Oh I love this idea, thank you!
Don’t want to go back to takeout all the time because that took a toll on both my wallet and my waistline
anonshmanon
Although it’s not the best for your wallet, takeout can be a tool in your arsenal and supplemented with veggies to make your life easier. Giant portion of pad thai split in half and adding a handful of steamed broccoli florets – makes two reasonably healthy meals. Smaller portion of pizza plus any veggie (you don’t need to prep a salad, grab some baby carrots or a little veggie tray from the store) is good and comforting. If you plan for shortcuts like these, it helps.
Vicky Austin
Ooh, I’m gonna do this!
Anon
I actually vote against meal prep – it’s going to take up too much valuable time and energy right now. Instead, I vote for stocking your pantry and freezer with easy basics that you can turn into a meal with no effort when things get busy again. Think pasta with jarred marinara sauce and steamed broccoli topped with butter, scrambled eggs and whole-grain toast, quick-cooking rice, things like that. You can freeze bread and bagels so you’re not caught out with no fresh bread.
Anon
Whoops, hit enter too soon. The reason I like this approach is because I observed a friend who spent 3-5 hours every Sunday doing meal prep, but she still needed to spend 15-20 minutes getting everything ready/cooked the night she wanted to eat things. It occurred to me that I could make good meals in JUST 15-20 minutes total if I was well-stocked with the things I need. I really didn’t want to give up my Sundays for another chore.
Saguaro
+1 I pick 5 easy, quick to make meals for the week, grocery shop for those meals, then I have everything I need to make the meal during the week. I could never devote the time to meal prep on a Sunday.
Anon
In normal times, I’m the opposite but I keep my meal prep super basic.
On a Sunday, usually while I’m watching football, I’ll microwave some rice, cook a few chicken breasts, and roast a bunch of veggies and that’s it. Throw everything into Tupperware and I grab and go in the morning. For breakfast I grab a yogurt or make oatmeal or toast. And dinner is super basic – bagged salad or hummus and veggies, etc
Cat
Agreed about not spending a Sunday prepping. Rather than dedicating specific time to “meal prep,” when we actually are making a meal, we make more than we need so that we can freeze the leftovers. The marginal increase in cooking and clean-up time for 6-8 servings is minimal vs. making 2, and then we have another 2-3 meals stashed away.
pugsnbourbon
I’d try different healthy convenience foods and stock up on what I like, so when I’m exhausted I can have a dinner in 5 minutes and don’t have to think about it.
No Problem
In addition to the above comment about meal planning, I would also just go ahead and do a stock up on groceries and other essentials so you don’t have to think about those things in the midst of a crazy round of work. I haven’t been to Target since this whole thing started, but I think I’m going to go this weekend to stock up on enough TP, paper towels, cleaning supplies, and shelf-stable food and hygiene products to last me through the next few months. I’m a single person so it shouldn’t be a crazy amount of stuff, and I do have storage space.
If your freezer is full, what is it stocked with? Stuff that is in good shape and ready to eat? Or freezer burned fruit and hot dogs that you and your roommate are never going to eat? If the former, all good, make a plan for eating what’s there so you can replace it with fresher stuff in the coming months. If the latter, do a freezer cleanout.
Do a deep clean of your apartment. Also purge your medicine cabinet, hair/makeup/hygiene/bathroom products, and closet/dresser and replace what you need to. You don’t want to be unable to find your cozy sweaters or bottle of Advil because you’re drowning in clutter.
Consider whether you would benefit from any of the following and purchase accordingly: a sun lamp to ward off SAD, a weighted blanket to improve sleep quality/reduce anxiety, new bedding/towels/clothing of any kind, or stacks/digital versions of books or magazines in your “happy” genre (humor, romance, mysteries, spy thrillers, etc.).
And lastly, get outside as much as possible! Fall is here, which means lots of crisp days perfect for walks and hikes and sitting outside with a book, but also dwindling daylight. Get your vitamin D while you can, and then also buy some vitamin D supplements to last you through the winter.
Anon
I think there’s some good advice here, but it’s also creating a lot of work for yourself. If you only have a few precious hours of free time, do you really want to spend it deep cleaning the apartment or cleaning out the medicine cabinet? I’d keep the Advil handy, but leave all those chores for some other time in life. Don’t spend time cleaning your oven when you need to focus on sleep and exercise.
No Problem
They’re my ideas, but I agree. Pick maybe two of these items, whichever will matter most to you. Maybe it’s really easy for you to pick up supplies because you live next door to a supermarket, so you don’t really need to stock up. But you’re allergic to dust, so getting everything really clean will actually be beneficial to your long term health.
Anon
I actually am back to normal hours and am wondering what to do now to prepare for when things get bad again, so this is the type of advice I was looking for!
Curious
I survive by blocking 30 minutes in the morning to walk (I am required to go around the block; can go further if I want), a full hour lunch, and 30 minutes in the afternoon to “stretch” (lately, doing dance videos). Each time I normally use about half the time, but having it calendared keeps me accountable. Also, I make those blocks pink for fun. It really helps.
Anonymous
Get a happy light. They’re inexpensive on Amazon. And effective. Keep it by your work computer and sit with it on while you go through emails. The exercise bike, maybe you can do Peloton or similar workouts using their apps. You can get a feel of “community” through that. Treat yourself to some cozy candles and slipper socks.
BlueAlma
Yes. Peloton could be great.
YNAB - thanks and referral
Thank you for those who posted helpful comments about YNAB a few weeks ago! I really appreciated it. Would anyone like to share their referral code so I can give (and get!) and free month? Thanks!
editrix
You’re welcome to use mine.
https://ynab.com/referral/?ref=2fcsevZOfpTt1q5T&utm_source=customer_referral
OP
Thanks!
Carrots
Oh yea! My referral link is below!
https://ynab.com/referral/?ref=hPmD_mWqd0KrmeDZ&utm_source=customer_referral
Insurance Question
DH spent a week in the hospital earlier this month for an infection that was never definitively identified. He’s has a number of follow ups and has been on a host of medicine to manage and prevent recurrence. He’s on top of it (I am too) making sure all the appropriate follow ups are scheduled, questions are asked, etc. He’s been back to his PCP twice since the hospital stay.
We received a letter from insurance immediately after discharge saying a care manager was assigned to him. She is an employee of the health insurance provider. She’s an RN. She is calling — aggressively — following up with my husband, asking lots of questions about the specifics of his lingering condition, scheduling follow ups for him, etc. At first it was nice, feeling good to have another advocate, but now we’re both a little suspicious whether or not we should be having these conversations direct with essentially the insurance company. She’s very “I’m on your side!” but also… insurance is insurance and they’re never on your side. Is this normal or should we be not engaging with this person and just sticking to the PCP? We have an HMO in case that matters.
Doc Daughter
I don’t know if this helps – but under the ACA hospitals are severely penalized if people re-admit into the hospital. It’s very much in your insurer’s interest to keep your husband out of the hospital and given that his condition was not identified (which is scary!) – they 10000% do not want to pay any more money for a mystery illness, hence why they’re checking up
These care manager roles are a big thing in ACA and if you don’t want her help, just be firm with her and say no. There’s nothing to be suspicious about, but tell her over the phone and then in writing, that you wish to not be contacted anymore. They’re supposed to be helpful, but if you don’t feel that help anymore, just be honest with her!
(as an anecdote – my father is an ER doctor with severe asthma and after a few incidents which decreased his lung capacity he too was aggressively pursued by a Care Manager. and he’s a licensed 40 year long doctor!)
Senior Attorney
I may be wrong, but in an HMO, everybody from the receptionist to the heart surgeon is the insurance company, right?
My suggestion would be to ask her about the confidentiality of his communications with her.
OP
Hm… I don’t think that’s correct. I’ve only had PPOs and HMOs. The primary difference that I see is that the PCP is quarterback of all care via referrals on an HMO. With a PPO you can go to whatever specialist you’d like as long as they’re in network, no referrals necessary. We have Tufts Healthplan (located in Massachusetts) which is widely accepted around here.
I think we’ll tell this case manager to buzz off if she bothers us again. It just feels a little too big brother.
Florida girl
Yes SA you are correct.
And OP yes you are right to be suspicious. I declined to speak w my “nurse advocate” after the second call. My sister (who is a doc) told me its likely the “advocate”hasnt seen actual patients for years and got the job by being willing to read a script,not have to empathize, and have a quota to limit care.
Anon
Health insurers do often assign nurse case managers to major cases. My family member had cancer and the nurse case manager was really helpful in getting things approved more quickly, because sometimes you don’t have one to two weeks to wait for an approval for an MRI or PET scan.
They’re there to make sure you’re not getting unnecessary treatment to save the insurance company money, of course, but they also want you to get treated appropriately now so that you don’t become a bigger, more expensive case due to lack of treatment.
They are generally registered nurses and follow evidence based medicine. There can be push back on suggested treatments that are not evidence based. Because of course hospitals and physicians also have profit motives.
I don’t think you have to worry too much. Hope you find out what the infection is. One of my coworkers had a mysterious case of sepsis a few years ago. Never found the cause. He seems to be fully cured now, but it was a big scary thing at the time.
Anon
I’m not sure who your insurer is, but just to share my perspective, I worked for a major health insurer whose name involves a color. We had a large team of nurse and doctor case managers who would work with individuals with chronic or severe conditions. In many cases, we found that the care team would actually end up costing us “more” money because they identified things that needed more/different/additional treatment that ultimately ended up improving the patient’s health outcome. Sure, in many cases, they were saving money because they were making sure patients followed their course of treatment (like were able to procure their meds, could get into follow up visits, etc), but they were really quite driven to help the patient. It’s definitely a weird feature of our health care “system” (in my mind, this would be better performed out of a health care facility) but don’t dismiss it out of hand.
JTM
Great choice for today’s pick. The Tee Rex is my favorite tee and even the ones I have that are a few years old still look new. They are super soft and so comfy to wear, especially now in this WFH world. Also Universal Standard can seem pricey, but they are doing tons of promos, so its worth it to join their email list and create an account, as they are pushing discount codes regularly (like once a month).
anon
Yes, I just ordered 4 more during their anniversary sale. Also, the long-sleeved version is super flattering recommend that as well.
Anonymous
Can anyone recommend a therapist in the Boston area?
Anonymous
i liked several of the folks at kendall psychological associates in cambridge ( i saw dr fineberg for a few years there)
Boots
Can anyone recommend good fall/winter boots? I’m in the snowy Midwest so already have super heavy winter boots. I’m looking for something a bit lighter for outdoor activities (dog walks, apple picking, playground with my toddler) this fall/winter. I have a car commute and wear fashion leather/suede booties for work so these would be weekend wear only. I’d like ankle length, warm and water proof. Looking at Sorel (which style?) and LL Bean. Any experience with either of those? Or other brands to look at? Budget is under $250 or so. Thank you!
Anon
I have Ugg Bonham boots and I love them. They’re practical, sturdy, comfortable and lined with sheepskin. A popular brand with a similar style is Blundstone but I found them really uncomfortable.
Aunt Jamesina
I have Bean boots and I don’t feel like they have great traction. I end up wearing them more for doing yardwork in the fall than I do in ice and snow.
Anon
I have the Bean mocs and have almost wiped out on ice. The traction is not good. Keen might have some options.
anne-on
+1 – I have the Sperry knock offs of bean boots. They are very warm and dry (so good for dog walking/apple picking/muddy fields) but useless in snowy/icy weather. I got these in tan suede and waterproofed them. I like a little bit of a heel (to avoid slush) and the lug sole has good traction without being as heavy as some of their other boots.
https://www.zappos.com/p/sorel-lennox-lace-cozy-blackened-brown/product/9400627/color/870083
Anon
LL Bean has some great snow/ice boots. THE Bean Boot is not meant for snow and ice. I am in northern New England and will wear them from fall yardwork season through the winter/spring but on dry days only in the winter. They’re a nightmare on ice and slush.
Sloan Sabbith
I got the Columbia Heavenly II before I went to Iceland in January (god, my 2020 started off great) and like them a lot. They run small, but I find them super warm and comfortable- I walked all over Reykjavik in them. They’re a little taller than ankle boots but they’re tight around the ankle so they don’t let in snow or rain. I wore them to walk the dog a lot.
I also like the Ugg McKay boot for weekend wear that doesn’t require something more intense.
Heads up, I found the Sorel duck boots to run so large I could not find a size that fit me at the Rack. I’m usually a 6.5/7 and even the 5s I felt like I would step out of.
Clementine
You know what I end up wearing a lot? Trail running shoes. Good traction, keep my feet dry, a nice option for the outdoors in the winter.
They don’t fit my footshape, but if they did, I think I would go for a pair of old school LLBean Women’s Katahdin boots. Retro style hiking boots.
Quail
+1. Unless I’m going to be standing around outside in the cold for a long time, or have to trudge through deep snow, I wear my waterproof hiking boots in the winter (in Chicago). Great for slush, a few inches of snow, packed snow, and ice. Really warm snowboots are too heavy for walking much. I wear the LL Bean unlined duck boots for rain/fall/spring as they don’t have very good traction, I find, even though they look nice and treaded.
anon
I got some ankle height Columbia ones last year that look quilted for about $100 and I love how lightweight and warm they are!
anon.
I like my Merrell hiking shoes or trail runners for this (low top version). They are more substantial than running shoes, tons of traction, sporty looking.
Anon
I think I did not do lockdown Spring 2020 very well but I did not take notes on what I wish I was better prepared for. I’m in NYC and numbers are slowly ticking up and I’m thinking about preparing for the inevitable. I will stock up on non-perishable groceries, paper goods, cleaning supplies this weekend. What else should I think about? What was the most helpful to have on hand/be prepared for for you?
Anonymous
Have you not been locked down this whole time?
Anonymous
No? Why would she have been? NYC has been allowed out for months.
Anon
No, since about July our numbers here in NYC have been really low (less than 1% testing positive) and I’ve been going to stores as needed (not necessarily just once a week), seeing friends outdoors, eating at restaurants outdoors. I’ve even been (masked) to the botanical gardens and the beach, and taken the ferry to governors island to just walk around and enjoy the views. Twice I went to bookstores and just browsed for about 45 minutes. July-September was far from normal, but worlds different from March-June. July-September I could do indefinitely, but I expect November – March/April/Not Sure to be more like March-June.
Cat
Agreed. We’re not eager to resume indoor dining, so once it’s too cold to eat outside, our evenings are going to look a lot like March-April again. But we assume with people unwilling to lockdown as severely as before (not saying they are correct, just calling it as I predict it), that cases will increase accordingly as many people are Over It and will happily resume more indoor socializing. So- we’re going to buy a little extra of the things that went scarce in March.
OP
Yes, what made me think of this is that I have a standing coffee-and-walk date with a friend and when I went this morning it was cold and drizzly and I saw lots of people going inside the local diners and cafes to eat. Indoor dining just started here this week, so I expect a huge uptick in cases by early November.
Anon
Don’t panic buy or hoard, that’s just contributing to the problem.
Gail the Goldfish
Medications that would be useful for COVID symptoms should you actually get it, such as normal cold/flu medications.
Cat
Yes- if you’re low on these, buy a moderate amount (like, 2-3 weeks worth, not the whole d@mn pharmacy).
anon
+1 along with other things you want to have if you’re sick–thermometer, gatorade, ramen, canned or frozen soup, snacks, a space that can easily be converted to quarantine comfortably from others in your home.
Anonymous
IDK if you have kids but for us it was kids medicine (tylenol, benedryl, etc). We had a kid get sick with run of the mill sickness but had a heck of a time getting childrens tylenol– people were panic buying it. I had actually thought of thise and double checked that we had some, but I did NOT realize *SOMEONE* had put a 1/4 full bottle back in the box in the closet. We ended up getting some from a neighbor and then my inlaws who are in another part of the country got some and mailed it to us.
Anything you might generally need in winter that could randomly have its supply chain disrupted- snow shovel, generator, ice melt, yeast/flour, etc.
anne-on
Ice melt (especially the pet safe kind) and snow shovels/snow blowers are ALREADY starting to sell out by us. The cheaper brands/options go first, so if price is a factor I’d buy as much as you’re able now.
Anon
Crafts? Things to occupy your time.
Anon
Things I could not get March/April timeframe:
Digital thermometer
Lysol wipes
Toilet paper (of course)
Kleenex
Hand sanitizer
Liquid hand soap
Disinfectant spray like 409
Blue medical masks
Flour
Eggs
I would stock up on these things in anticipation of what you might need (but not hoard of course) in anticipation of another round.
Ymanon
Lightbulbs and batteries, maybe? WFH lamp?
Do you need any new winter gear? Will you be comfortable in cold, windy walks in your current gear, if neighbourhood masked walks are your social life?
Will your apartment be comfortable in winter if you are home 24/7? Do you need any new blankets, warm socks, pashmina for video calls, extra heating, anthing it’s more covenient to get now.
Do you need any carrots/rewards? Plan some nice things.
But seriously. Proper lighting for darker months.
Anonymous
Hi, replying late. I am in quarantine: here is my list: digital thermometer, pulse oximeter, medication to treat regular flu symptoms, tons of throat lozenges, two weeks of juice and water, tons of tea, honey, soup, more soup, and stock your freezer with really easy to prepare things that are really bland like toaster waffles. Tons of fresh linens and towels. And don’t quarantine in a room without a TV, remote speaker, puzzles, etc.
Gail the Goldfish
Random poll: what time do you usually eat dinner?
Husband and I were discussing yesterday how, because of work/hobbies, we usually don’t eat dinner until at least 7:30, usually closer to 8:30 (in normal times, don’t usually get home from work until 7, and that’s if we’re not participating in hobby after work), and were musing about if this is normal for households with two working adults or not. (we don’t have kids)
Anon
Does it matter if it’s “normal?” Do what works for you. We eat dinner earlier than that because I get hungry earlier. I wouldn’t change it based on what others are doing.
Gail the Goldfish
No, more just curiosity. We would actually prefer to eat earlier, but life.
Anonymous
We usually eat around 8:30 but that’s because we are working on house projects. In the before times dinner was 7 pm exactly.
nuqotw
We have kids and we (try to) have dinner at 5. Pre-kids, we ate around 7.
Anonymous
Yes. Honestly, I have three kids and we eat at about 7pm most nights. Most nights get home 5:30-6, dinner 7, kid bedtime 8:30, adult bedtime 11:30 (in theory, I’m the worst about sleeping), pre-kids we regularly ate around 8/8:30 but we always tried to eat before 9. I think of 5-9 as evening and after 9 as night. Not sure why but eating after 9pm seems way later than 8:30pm for some reason.
Anon
5:30. We have a toddler but this was our normal dinner time pre-kid too. I get hangry if I don’t eat by 6.
Abby
DH & I eat dinner absurdly late. I think last night was at 9:10 pm. In normal times, we both work out after work, and maybe need to cook dinner, it’s on average around 8/8:30. In Covid times, he still goes in to work and has to commute, then works out & showers, but I am already home so it can be more like 7:30 at the earliest.
Cat
Around 8 – we like to relax together (reading, catching up on news, casual meal prep if we’re not having a freezer meal, etc) before dinner and enjoy a glass of wine. More like 7 on weekends since we can start the “relax” time earlier!
Anon
I finish work pretty early, around 4 or 4:30, and I get hungry so I usually eat around 6. I couldn’t eat that late, I like to have my evening shower and get ready for bed at 8:30!
Vicky Austin
Between 6:30 and 7, unless I have my shit together or it’s spaghetti night.
Anon
I get done with work at 4:30 and get home shortly thereafter. When I was single as early as 5:00. Now that I live with my boyfriend who gets done with work between 6:30 and 7:30, we usually eat dinner between 7 and 8.
Anon
Yep, that window was normal for us in Before Times.
Anonymous
Dinnertime is as soon as I can manage to get dinner on the table. Pre-kid, around 7:30 because of commutes. In the Before Times, 8:45 because that’s when kiddo got home from gymnastics practice. Now with everyone working/schooling from home and no sports, around 7:00. Workday ends at 5:00 – 5:30, then there’s stuff to get done, then I cook dinner.
Anonymous
Pre-kids, we ate around 7.30 or 8. I used to work a staggered or shift schedule typically 10-7 each day, so we ate together after I got home. Now we have young children who wake up early, go to bed early, and are hangry by 6, so we eat at 6.
Anonymous
Pre-kids, we ate around 8pm because we weren’t home until 7:30 or so. Now with kids, we eat between 6 and 6:30 so we can start bedtime routine at 7pm.
Sloan Sabbith
I’m not hungry until 7 or 7:30 so I eat around there, maybe as late as 8:30. I’ve been living with my parents and dinner is between 5 and 5:30, which is not my preferred time. I eat lunch late, too.
CountC
Usually, whenever I get home. This ranges from 5:30 – 8:30 p.m. On the weekends, whenever I get hungry. I am single and child-free though, so I have much more adjustability here!
KS IT Chick
We eat between 6 & 7 most nights. My DH has severe acid reflux that gets much worse if we eat later, especially something like pizza or pasta that has tomato sauce of some kind.
anne-on
Before kids 7:30/8 was normal (we usually weren’t home or done till 6:30). Now we eat between 5-6 (past 6 is late for my son) and there have been days when he is STARVING at 5pm. Sometimes one of us will sit with my son at 5ish when he eats and then the adults will eat closer to 6:30/7 (more common if one of us tried to hit a 5pm gym class).
Senior Attorney
We’re all over the place. We usually are both home by 5:30 or 6 at the latest. Dinner is on the table anywhere between 6 and 7:30, depending on how long it takes to cook, whether we decide to have Happy Hour first, and so on.
In the Before Times it was later because we went to the gym after work.
Anonyz
This is a constant fight in my house. I need to eat early for reflux reasons, he wants to eat after dark in spring, summer, and fall to maximize the amount of yardwork he can get done. I finally put my foot down and said I eat by 7:30 with or without him, but I need to move that back to 7:00. I’m still having pain from my stomach being too full when I lie down at night.
Anon
I eat similarity late especially before covid, which is the main reason I don’t do IF. I usually eat sometime between 7 and 9
Anon
We used to be 7 or 7:30 but my husband read a thing that said several hours between dinner and bedtime is better for digestion and metabolism. So now we’re 6 ish, which is a lot easier to do WFH.
And actually, I do feel better. I think he was onto something.
Anon
Couch questions – what is the maximum amount you all think is worth spending on a couch when your main concern is quality and not a certain brand/designer name? If quality and designer name were on a line graph, at what price point do you think the lines intersect?
Also, how long do you think a well made couch should last for? 10 years? More? Less? Single person with two cats. I use a couch daily.
Anon
I spent $3500 on an Arhaus sofa and it was worth every penny – down and foam cushions, hardwood frame, etc. Still in fantastic shape after 6 years. I expect something at that price point to last 15+ years – it’d go out of style before it’d fail.
Anon
Agreed — I’ve got an Arhaus fabric sofa that is older than that and still looks pretty good after 15 years despite spanning the years of my son growing up, two dogs, and a cat. It was expensive for us at the time but worth every penny.
Also, I misread the original question as “what is the maximum amount OF TIME you all think is worth spending on a couch” and my immediate reaction was three hours a day at least.
Cat
depends on the size of the couch- but for a basic, three-cushion, non-sleeper couch, we’ve budgeted 2.5K to replace our current one – which is now 15 years old and still super comfortable, but is a bit large for our family room layout. If we could replace the arms with something smaller and reupholster it for less than the cost to replace it, we would…
anne-on
It depends on fabric. Leather is more than cloth. We just replaced an 8yr old couch that *should* have held up longer but Thomasville started cutting corners around when we bought it and the frame was garbage.
If you can swing it I’d highly recommend looking at Taylor King or Hancock and Moore. They’re NC made and entirely customizable, down to the inch, so you get exactly what you want (seat depth, size, arm style, leg style, etc.) and are insured for life. They are actually the makers behind some Design within Reach and Arhaus sofas. For quotes I had an excellent experience working with a local store in the VA area – The Keeping Room. His prices were easily 15-20% lower than what I was being quoted by stores in MA/CT/RI.
Senior Attorney
Agree this is the right range. I think I spent $2700 for my beloved lime green velvet sofa that started out in my pre-marriage single-woman house and now lives in my office at work.
NY CPA
A well made couch should last for more than 10 years. My parents have had their couch for probably about 30 years. It was reupholstered around 20 years ago, I think (silk was not the best inital choice with little kids!), and could use another reupholstering now, as it’s looking a little sad. But it’s still perfectly functional. With cats, I would be VERY careful about the fabric you use, and it may need to be reupholstered more quickly, but a good quality sofa shouldn’t need to actually be replaced every 10 years.
Anon
$2000 30 years ago, and that was the clearance price. I thought I was insane at the time. It will probably cost $1000+ to reupholster when the time comes but it will be worth it because the frame is super solid.
Anonymous
Are there any good spots to look for young girls athletic gear? My 8 year old and I both love the Athleta Power Up shirts…but they are $35 and I am cheap and don’t feel like dropping $100 on 3 shirts (she already has one). Anyone know of good dupes and/or if they go on sale or are generally available at secondhand places or in outlets (does athleta even have an outlet) ever? Specific colors aren’t important. The fit is just perfect for her.
Anonymous
Lululemon has a girls line – Iviva that has cute stuff. The regular prices are high but their online outlet/sale section is pretty reasonable.
Anonymous
Ivivva was discontinued. If you don’t want to pay Athleta Girl prices, try Old Navy and Target.
Anonymous
The Athletic Works brand at Walmart. Be sure to click retailer: Walmart if shopping online.
Anon Probate Atty
Depends on her size. My 13 year old was wearing women’s size XS at age 11 or 12 – at least in tops – and there’s lots of good stuff at Nordstrom Rack. Before that, I got her stuff at D*ck’s or at Target.
anon
Ross generally has a good selection of athletic clothing in a variety of brands.
Texas Is Suppressing Votes
Reposting because my post yesterday was stuck in mod for ages. If you live in Texas, please let Gov Abbott know that curtailing Texas citizens’ voting rights is NOT OKAY:
https://www.cnn.com/2020/10/01/politics/texas-governor-drop-off-locations-ballots/index.html
Party Animal
My very sweet and excited DH is dead-set on both he and our 2-year-old DS being Buzz Lightyear for Halloween. He’s got everything figured out but can’t find matching bright green shoes. We were hoping to get Natives but they don’t make bright green shoes for a men’s size twelve. DH suggested matching green Chucks but I would rather die than put my 2-year old in shoes with laces. We’re looking for a true bright green, not olive. Any suggestions?
Anonymous
Get cheap canvas shoes for each and dye them yourself?
Anonymous
Crocs?
CountC
Can you get cheap knock off Crocs or something and spray paint them?
Anon
+1.
Anon
I actually think you could find crocs in this color.
Sloan Sabbith
Crocs come in lime green for both kids and adults.
Anonymous
Vans? I’ve seen adult bright green, but not sure about toddler size.
Anon
Tipping doormen and movers: (1) Has anyone provided a “farewell” tip for their doormen? We’re moving so won’t be around for the typical holiday tips. I feel like the right thing to do, esp. this year, is to tip the entire staff when we leave–but how much? Our typical amounts if we had stayed the entire year? Or whatever we feel is right? Has anyone done similar?
(2) We’re doing a long distance move and, with the exception of a few boxes that the movers will drop off to our corporate housing, virtually everything will go to a storage unit for some time. For the movers who are helping to pack our apartment, do we tip them after they’ve put everything into the truck? Or when they arrive to our new city (is it even the same crew)? There’s not a lot of great guidance online on long distance moving tips and certainly not in this situation, where our stuff won’t actually be in our custody for weeks or months after we actually arrive in our new city.
BB
When we did our long distance move, I tipped after every “phase”: after they packed everything, after they loaded up the truck, after they moved us into the new place. The loading up and moving to new place team overlapped by 2 guys, but I figured they just got a larger tip which is fair because they did more work. If you have several months of gap (we only had the 2 days it took them to drive), I would definitely do 2 separate tips because the chances it’s the same team are very low. I also skew generous on tipping though, and even more so now because so many of these manual jobs are riskier with the virus, so YMMV.
Flats Only
My answer is tainted by the fact that I love to tip people, but I would do the following:
For Doorman/Staff – tip what you would have at Christmas. It’s late in the year, and whoever moves into your place probably won’t tip anything close to the whole amount, so it’s the kind thing to do.
For Packers/Movers – Tip them once the packing is done and the truck is loaded, or earlier in the day and call it “lunch money” – I’ve done that with laborers working at my house before and it really sweetens up the atmosphere on the jobsite. I would do $10 per person, or even $20 if you are in a HCOL area.
Anon
Just chiming in to say I also love to tip people. And I agree on the doorman logic — if you normally tip at Christmas do that on your way out because it’s so late in the year.
Senior Attorney
Although I am unencumbered with any actual knowledge on either of these subjects, I’ll give it a shot:
1. I agree that the right thing to do is tip the entire staff the typical amounts for the whole year. Alternatively, give them 75% of the normal tip on the theory you were here for 3/4 of the year. But that extra 25% will probably mean a lot more to them than to you. That’s what I’d do.
2. Ask the moving company in advance whether it will be the same crew. If not, tip each crew at the end of their part of the job. If it is the same crew, tip them at the very end.
Good luck with the move!
Anon
Can’t speak on the doorman but on movers, tip after they pack up into the truck. Tip again when they unpack since it will likely be different people and, in any case, will have a lot of time in between parts of the job. I’d tip modestly since you’re kind of only tipping on half the move each time.
Assoc.
We tipped the guys who helped us unload our storage pods once we arrived in our new city (east coast to west coast move; 2400 sqft house to 2400 sqft house; lots of heavy old furniture). They were great though, carried things upstairs and tried to fit them through a doorway multiple ways before having to give up because it was just not going to fit, carried things into basement, etc., etc. It was also 100 degrees or so and they let us schedule somewhat last minute (we knew the estimated date our pods were going to arrive but there was a possibility that our closing was going to be delayed so it was somewhat up in the air).
Fruit gift suggestions?
I would like to send a fruit basket/arrangement to my friend in North Carolina (Ashville) who just had a baby. I was thinking an Edible Arrangement, but mostly because I don’t know of any other options. Does anyone have other thoughts or suggestions?
NY CPA
Harry and David?
Clementine
I personally think the fruit tastes kind of funny, but people do love those things. Less pretty, but on Amazon they have care packages which are basically a whole box of snacks.
This is my traditional ‘Hey! You just had a 3rd baby!’ gift. I like the more organic ones, but you can get a ton of fun ones.
Anonymous
But amazon … will send you a knock-off from China. I would not eat the food.
Anon
Wtf?
Anonymous
I don’t buy groceries from Amazon either.
Anon
You should. They have great deals on tin foil, and it sounds like you go through a lot of that.
Anonymous
Amazon has kind of terrible quality control for third-party vendors. If you read the reviews, they’re often riddled with complaints about how someone ordered one thing but was sent another. The lack of QC is only one of many reasons I no longer purchase from Amazon.
I would do a fruit basket from a service local to OP’s friend, or if you know she has no dietary restrictions (eg nursing a dairy-sensitive baby), a snack subscription box. Pair it with a Grubhub or Target gift card!
Anonymous
Any skeptics still reading, google how Amazon does not vet or hold any responsibility for its third-party sellers. Don’t eat the food.
alena
I’ve sent a couple of the whole box of snacks ones! Figured they were more usable / easier to deal with in the particular circumstance.
Scottie
I’ve used Wine Country Gift Baskets a few times with success. They have coffee and tea baskets and other non-wine options if you are looking for more of a snack array basket.
Digby
Harris Teeter or Fresh Market? I haven’t been in a Harris Teeter in years, but they used to be kind of fancy and had good customer service, so they seem like a possibility.
bbbette
I just had a baby a few weeks ago and Edible Arrangements were the perfect gift – I was super dehydrated from breastfeeding and recovery and CRAVING fresh fruit. Also a sleeper hit – the friends who dropped off “party trays” from the grocery store of meats and cheeses and veggies with dip. Anything that was already prepped and I could just graze on throughout the day was clutch.
just a little rant
Sure, boss, 8 people have spent several months planning this 400 person event, but do come in and change things around at the last minute. Then when we say it’s a bit late to make big changes, claim that you don’t want to mess around with the plan. You ARE messing with the plan! Ugh.
Anon
Better be a virtual event. If not, then I hope things get really messed up and it can’t go forward.
Anon
+1
Is your boss Donald Trump, OP?
just a little rant
yep, definitely virtual, which means all the routine solutions from this annual event had to be re-thought to make it work online. And a lot of work went into that, so it’s infuriating to get all these curve balls now.
Anonymous
Oh! Do you work for my client? Wildly ambitious attendee targets? Making an eleventh-hour decision on a virtual event platform and changing schedules around at the last minute? Setting vendors up to fail? I feel you, I am in the same hellhole.
Anon
Biden tested negative!
Anonie
Relief!!!
Senior Attorney
And Harris! It’s almost as though wearing a mask works!
Anon
Harris wasn’t at the debate. And neither Trump nor Biden was wearing a mask during the debate, which is why people were so concerned about Biden.
Betsy
I still don’t understand this part about tests (and I’m sure the type of test matters) – does that mean Biden actually didn’t get it at the debate and we’re out of the woods? Or does that mean that he still could test positive in a few days?
Anon
He can still test positive. It’s a good sign, but we’re not out of the woods.
Microbiologist
It’s too early to be confident in that result. Definitely better than being positive, but if Trump only tested positive for the first time yesterday, and Biden got it from him on Tuesday, it’d be a few more days before you’d expect to see a positive result. At this point, everyone who’s been around him should be isolating, no matter what their test result.
Anon
I’m so glad Barron tested negative. He was my first thought in all of this.
Anonie
He is literally the only Trump for whom I have any sense of well wishes.
Sloan Sabbith
I frequently forget that they have a kid. That poor kid- I can’t imagine he has an easy life. Privileged, yes. But easy, I doubt it.
Anon
By all accounts he’s extremely close to his mom and barely spends time with his dad, so I feel bad that he’s presumably separated from her for 14 days.
I have a son about his age. It would be very hard on him.
Anon
CNN reporting that Judge Barrett and her family had Covid earlier this year and recovered. Also the president of Notre Dame tested positive after attending the SCOTUS event at the White House. ??♀️
Anonymous
Apparently immunity only lasts like 3-4 months in some cases, so if it was circulating at the SCOTUS event, I don’t think that necessarily means they are out of the woods depending on when they had it.
Anonymous
Anyone have a recommendation for a place in Berkeley, CA for food delivery? Ideally, something that comes pre-prepared that for heating and eating whenever the recipient decides? [Or some other idea for a new mom in the area?]
S
Traci Siegel
Personal Chef & Cooking Instructor
traci@cookwithcheftraci.com
http://www.cookwithcheftraci.com
@cookwithcheftraci
(510) 987-6258
Highly recommend!!! I sent my dear friend some of her meals when she had a newborn, and they got great reviews. Many healthy options.
Anonymous
Came back late so you may not see this, but thank you!!!
Anon
Seems like a silly question but I’ll ask anyways. Downstairs neighbor’s dog has a tendency to bark nonstop for fairly long intervals (I think when they are not home) and I can hear it very clearly and loudly from my apartment. Do I talk to them directly or ask management to deal with it? I have interacted with them before and they are not the most pleasant people.
Anonymous
I’d call management. I’d also say that they have not been easy to deal with previous so you would appreciate if they don’t identify which neighbor complained.
Sloan Sabbith
Talk to them directly. They might not know.
Anonymous
This. Leave a note on their door if you’d rather not speak to them. Also, if you can include any details about timing, that can help them pin down the barking. If it continues, then go to management.
Anonymous
Management. Good luck. I literally moved after listening to a neighbor’s dog do this for an entire year … all day every day whenever they were not home. Management did nothing (until they stopped paying rent for more than a year), but speaking to them personally only makes you a target for the type of people who neglect their pets.
Anon
I would try to talk to them directly, as they may not know. That being said, if it were my dog I am not sure what I could do to improve the situation, unfortunately.