Thursday’s Workwear Report: The Everyday Shirt

203 Comments

1. Thank you to everyone who suggested ideas and sent good vibes for my mom’s surgery. I know there can be negativity everywhere, and really appreciated the support from this anonymous community! Surgery is today. I hope someday to return the calming energy to you.

   1. Sending virtual hugs and prayers (if that’s your thing) to you and your mom today.

   2. Good wishes for best results on the surgery, and peace to you all.

   3. Fervent prayers for comfort, healing and the best outcome!!!

   4. I hope all went well!

2. When it comes to the caregiving question, I think any future planning that involves ONE person doing everything is doomed to fail, whether there are disabilities or not. It is too much to ask for one person (99% of the time a woman) to provide full-time-plus care on top of their own responsibilities. It’s a recipe for burnout, poor health, and resentment. There’s a lot we need to do to improve home and group care that’s beyond the scope of this post, but I believe that the best way to keep family involved is to not expect them to provide live-in nursing care. That should be provided by professionals so family can visit, help with things like groceries and emotional support, host holidays, and other stuff that actually allows for a loving relationship. I say this as someone who has a severely disabled SIL and who provides long-distance caregiving support for a relative with Alzheimer’s. It is NOT possible to do it alone and have any semblance of a life (which is a human right), so if your retirement/future caregiving plans involve one person or even one couple doing everything, it will probably be a disaster. The moment we were able to assist my relative with Alzheimer’s with moving into assisted living was the moment everyone’s lives improved by a factor of 1 million – and especially hers! She needed care, meals, and socialization we couldn’t provide, and now we can all enjoy each other again. The experience has taught me that my husband and I absolutely will plan to move to a retirement community with step-up care when the time comes so our son can visit us without providing all our daily care. I don’t WANT him to provide that!

   1. I agree with this take. It’s not all or nothing and never should be. I have a severly disabled cousin, and he has an able bodied younger sister. When my aunt and uncle pass away, sister will manage cousins affairs as part of a trust and be the legal guardian. The hope is obviously that she would also visit him and I think she would, but the expectation is never going to be full time care. Granted cousin has lived in a facility for years now due to the extent of his disabilities and goes home on the weekeds. But my aunt and uncle have tried very hard to strike a balance between caring for their son and allowing their daughter to live her life, and I really admire them for that.

   2. I get that. I think what a lot of commenters were noting is the professional care required just doesn’t exist in a lot of communities and the alternative to families stepping up was ultimately desperation and death.

      It’s a hard hard thing to deal with.

      1. Or the money.

      2. OP here and it’s SO hard. My SIL is dependent on her mother for care, not in the US, and the social supports are not good. It’s a constant battle to figure out safety and care plans. There is SO much more we need to do globally – but in the meantime, we need to think beyond relying on one woman to do it all. My MIL’s life has been so, so altered.

      3. Some people keep bringing forward this whole “BUT PEOPLE WHO ARE LEFT ALONE WILL DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!” argument like it’s some kind of world-beating statement.

         I dunno if they realize this, but there actually are people out in the world who have no family – their parents (and maybe siblings) are dead, their partner is dead (or they never had one), they never had children of their own, and they aren’t close to any distant relatives. And so, if they become unable to care for themselves, there actually are mechanisms where the state can appoint a guardian, and then social workers help the person get on Medicare or Medicaid, and find safe living quarters. Some folks are acting like this doesn’t happen or should never happen because families should care for people. But, I am here to tell you, from volunteer work done with vulnerable populations – sometimes, there is no family to “step up” and even in those cases, people are not left out in the gutter to slowly die, like in Les Miserables or something.

         As a thought exercise that will help some of you tremendously, find a nursing care facility in your area that is primarily inhabited by people whose care is being provided by Medicaid. Folks will see many seniors who do not have family, living in safe environs and being cared for by the staff of the facility. Is it ideal? Probably not. Is it the reality? Yes.

         Now, that all being said: the idea that the Republicans in Congress are going to gut Medicaid is terrifying to me and I am trying to do all the advocacy I can to stop it, because a lot of people will die if Medicaid goes away. As stated above, some people have literally no one to help them and if they cannot get Medicaid to fund their care, they WILL have to go into the street, and probably die there. The social safety net that has been provided to those people is critical. Do we, as a society, have an obligation to help care for people? Absolutely. That’s why we pay taxes that fund programs like Medicaid. Which the heartless, amoral people in Congress are now trying to strip away. Many, many seniors who have nowhere else to go will end up homeless if they succeed in defunding the program.

         I am so curious about the motivations and reasoning of some of the more strident people commenting here. I am wondering if people are on Medicaid and terrified that if it goes away, they will end up alone, having to shift for themselves? And they want to be reassured there will be someone out there who will help them? Or, are they Republicans who are sneakily posting about these beliefs because the end result of the argument is going to be – these programs shouldn’t exist because families should be caring for disabled/elderly people, instead of a tax-funded program like Medicaid?

         There’s a lot of chatter back and forth, and not a lot of transparency about motivations here. If anyone who has been posting about how “families always have an obligation to care for disabled/needy family members, no matter what” would like to share the genesis of their beliefs and why they’re commenting about it here, that would be great, as I’m starting to suspect there are some disingenuous commenters here who are trying to shape a conversation to their own ends.

         1. What state do you live in??
            Because, I am a volunteer visitor for my church to a medicaid nursing home, the one that people without families to advocate for them end up in, and we when show up, there are people who haven’t eaten all day due to understaffing. Sometimes the emergency alarm is ringing and we literally can’t FIND any staff anywhere – the building is just empty. Reports to the state regulatory agency result in them… writing a sternly worded letter asking the facility to improve. They won’t shut it down because there’s no where better for people to go, and the hospitals are already overloaded because they’ve got people stuck in patient who they can’t find a medicaid nursing home spot for

            1. my grandmother is in her 90s and spent some time in an awful residential rehab center last year after a fall+hip replacement and they literally left her in a diaper one day on a weekend and no one brought her breakfast or came to help her dress because they were understaffed. Thankfully, my mom and aunt were taking turns checking on her, and one of them arrived at lunchtime.

         2. Don’t condescend to us. We know that hospitals have been getting in trouble for discharging patients to the street. We know that people have been dying on the streets for years. We know eldercare workers and have heard the inside story about the different facilities. There are good facilities that take Medicaid left, but where was your preferred political party when private equity was buying up homes and making them measurably less safe?

            1. To be fair, 501c3s in my city have had their CCRCs fail because the math wasn’t mathing. Interest rates rose, people needed more care for longer pictures. I’m good at math, but this is so complex. I am not sure that it’s all bad because of private equity — that doesn’t really explain things at all. .

         3. Trying to keep kids out of the foster system isn’t a sneaky way of arguing against state sponsored care for children in need. It’s entirely reasonable to want to keep kids safe in the care of people who we know care whenever possible. I don’t see this as any different; we can max out state sponsored services for the disabled and find that it’s not enough. Washing our hands of people in need at that point doesn’t make us better advocates for social safety nets. “Probably not ideal” is a cruel understatement in some cases.

         4. And there are good places out there. I have an older relative with severe mental illness who struggled for a lot of his adult life but once he finally bankrupted himself, got on Medicaid and then had a major health crisis five or six years ago, he got placed in a home of some sort (it feels like assisted living but has nursing care and is paid for by Medicaid and his social security). I’ve never seen him so happy and healthy, with minimal complaints about his living situation (he’s the type to complain about everything!). My dad checks in with him periodically and we see him at holidays, but he’s doing so much better than living on his own with people trying to intervene in crises (he could be pretty scary and violence was a real possibility).

            1. There are good places that do meet people’s needs; it’s one reason to fight for them against the kind of buy outs that statistically can make them worse. I’m glad he’s landed in a safe place and is finally thriving! I hope this will happen for some people in my world.

         5. It’s a weird take that you’re saying people who are saying that families should be involved are sneaky republicans who want to do away with the system and foist all burdens on family. I was a poster yesterday who said her spouse is a caregiver for a family member. I strongly believe that a society has a moral obligation to fund programs for the disabled and elderly. But the reality is this: BIL is enrolled in several disability programs including one that is supposed to send a caregiver for a few hours a day to provide basic life needs. If the caregiver doesn’t show up, the company that employes the caregiver is supposed to send a sub, but they often don’t or that person also no shows. Complaining to the state agency that pays the company has gotten nowhere. The next company is just as bad, just as short staffed. In the meantime, BIL is sitting all day in his feces developing an infection and/or starving unless spouse steps in to care for him. The facility he was in previously closed down. What exactly are the options for families like ours rather than go bankrupt paying for private care out of pocket? There’s the ideal of what the govt should provide and man I wish they did, and I certainly advocate on this issue where I can. But we have to deal with the hand we’re dealt.

         6. I come from a non-religious (now anti-religion) and politically liberal background and my family isn’t particularly close and we all live our separate lives but I feel deep in my bones that the very premise of family is an obligation to care for one another. No one taught me that, and my parents did not/do not model that well, but it just feels inherent in the very notion of what a family is to me. I have family members who don’t “deserve” my help based on their lack of reciprocation over my lifetime, but I still can’t extract from my own ethos that I have some obligation to family. I am not talking about, nor am I providing, constant care. But I feel obligated to help along the way, despite the cost to me.

            Where did you learn that family means nothing? What is the source of that belief? How is it reinforced? I demand to understand what your agenda is because this seems very very suspicious to me and like maybe you are trying to tear at the fabric of society. So please – state your purpose here.

            1. +1

            2. We get it–you are morally superior to us. I’ll call the pope to put in an application for your canonization.

            3. Thank you for reading carefully and noting how much I desire to be canonized by the Catholic Church.

   3. Absolutely community care is what’s needed. I don’t honestly think that expecting “mom and dad” to provide for all their children’s needs is humane, even though it seemed to be what some commenters were expecting.

      I still think that the concept of the “the professionals” is euphemistic in a lot of real life contexts. If the people providing care are minimally trained, poorly paid, and have no realistic access to support for their own burnout, it’s just pushing the problem onto more socially vulnerable people.

      1. The thing is that those professionals, no matter how poorly paid and overworked, do get to clock out and go home each day.

         1. In my state, a professional caregiver CAN’T legally leave an adult who isn’t safe alone – so if they’re approved for 24 hr in home care but the next shift doesn’t show up, they have to stay (leaving is a crime they can be charged for; not just “they’ll be fired”). They get paid for the extra hours, but not reimbursed for other costs, like getting food delivered or emergency childcare.

            1. What if they have a kid to get from daycare or are a caregiver in their own home? That seems to be incredibly short sighted and likely to end in failures on a daily basis.g

            2. I agree, that seems incredibly short sighted. I think it would be appropriate to have harsh penalties and/or charges available to impose on the company providing the services. It’s really not fair to put the (likely poorly-paid) individual employee in a situation where they might end up having to choose between criminal charges for leaving the adult or child abandonment/neglect charges for not picking up their child! Of course, this assumes that the individuals providing the hands-on care are usually employees. I don’t have the experience to know how frequently they are self-employed.

         2. And many elders don’t want someone in their house 24/7 even if they can pay for it. But all it takes is for one person to become bed bound and then begin to have continence issues. So much laundry. Skin breaking down. Misery. It’s so sad but people have what they can handle and then it can go downhill pretty fast once you are north of 80 or have any other issues.

            1. I do think there is a real issue with some elders refusing care from professionals and expecting their kids to do it all, including super specialized nursing care. Not OK.

            2. I agree that people who need it need to accept super specialized nursing care.

               At the same time, I’m aghast at what some older people endure from in-home care workers. People who steal from them (not just belongings, but go get their credit card and buy themselves things). People who steal meds from them. Some people are too polite and accommodating and should be complaining or at least telling their family what’s going on.

            3. My parents had all sorts of sensitive financial information all over their house — SS#s, tax records, financial records, blank checks. I read a horror story once about a kid who came to visit only to discovery that their caregiver had gotten married to the dad and was then able to cut out the kids. Dad wasn’t completely incompetent and marriage is a fundamental right and there was nothing they could do.

               It’s why I liked daycare vs a nanny — a good nanny would have been better than daycare, but daycare had a lot of eyes on my kids and didn’t close or have cars break down. For an infant I didn’t want to be shaken (etc.), I had fewer issues with a daycare, but the calculus switched as kids got older and able to talk.

               Same with elders — the needier they are, the more eyes I want on them. Including mine.

      2. Yes, and I think a lot of people don’t realistically realize how much work it takes, usually from the family, to access the social support that’s available. You can’t just “call the government” and say, “please give my relative a spot in a safe, well run small group home with professional caregivers in a walkable community, and I’ll come pick them up for every family birthday party”. You can’t even do that in Europe!

         1. OP here and this is so true. Our total involvement in terms of number of hours probably hasn’t even declined that much since my relative went to assisted living. We still are constantly coordinating care and providing oversight. We did hire an additional elder care social worker who has been a GODSEND with visits each week. Even with the high level of work involved, we’re sleeping so much better knowing that so many basic needs are finally taken care of. When she said “I love being home” after having lived there for a year, I actually cried.

            1. Yes, my mother is in assisted living and it’s still a lot of time! First I had to sort out and clean up all of her financial stuff, and now I have to stay on top of making sure everything gets paid. I can automate some things, but not all of it. And coordinating her medical care and getting her to her various doctor’s appointments is a job in itself sometimes. We’re having some problems with the facility she’s currently in and so I think we’re going to start shopping around, but it’s overwhelming to figure out where to fit that in because I know it’s going to be time consuming. I’m curious about the elder care social worker you’ve hired to help – would you mind sharing how you went about finding them and what they help with?

            2. The elder care social worker was recommended by a lower-level caregiving agency that we initially started with. The woman we have is AMAZING – so proactive and helpful with literally everything. She goes to the assisted living facility once a week (and takes her to appointments on other days as needed) and checks on supplies, the cat, etc. and talks with the nurses to see how things are going. Whenever there’s an issue (low on groceries, cat is acting sick, whatever it is), she either addresses it directly (she’ll even help with the litter box!) or gets in touch with us and tells us what is needed. What has been REALLY helpful is having her support for coordinating medical appointments, including attending and talking to the doctors to relay information back to us. She’s worth every penny and then some. You might really want to look into this! Her agency also helped us find a suitable community, which ended up saving SO much time. If your mom is in the Denver area, post a burner email and I’ll give you the name of the agency.

            3. How much do you pay per hour? Hours per week?

               Just trying to get a sense of overall cost.

            4. Thank you for the information! I’m unfortunately not in Denver, but I appreciate the offer and I will look around in my area to find something similar. That sounds like exactly what we need.

   4. I have a full time corporate career and 2 severely autistic young adult children. The options in my (wealthy, blue) state for out-of-home care over age 21 are, shall we say, not good. Even with money and a two good incomes, we can’t pay for full time private care and not feel a real hit. But even if money was no object, it’s hard to find reliable caregivers, especially for adults with behavioral issues. I make the personal sacrifice of no time to myself, no social life, and hard work because there’s no one I can fully outsource to. It’s nice to imagine some fairy godmother nanny state, but we are going the opposite direction in the US.

      1. But you CHOSE to bring those children into the world. It didn’t turn out how you had hoped but it’s still your responsibility. You took the risk and gambled.

         1. I think it’s like insurance: the risk is spread out over a population, so we all shoulder it. Micro premise, car crashes, brain damage at any age and stage. The severely disabled get to be on Medicaid without regard to family income, which IMO is the correct way to handle things.

            1. I don’t agree that the risk is spread over the population. So many of my quirky engineering friends (aka ASD 1) are all shocked Pikachu their kids are turning out ASD 2 or 3. A lot of this is genetic and not some random occurrence.

            2. Nah. And the ASD population ain’t where the high needs are. There are so many mental conditions that disable people and they tend to run in families. Should no one with anxiety or adhd have kids? No one who majored in engineering or computers? No train enthusiasts?

               Plus, care involves people leaving their own homes. No one here seems to want that, so who will show up for this work, exactly?

            3. ASD1 isn’t where the problem is. They have always been among us and 50 years ago were quirky and useful. Now they have a label. Maybe that’s not for the best. People were less awful when they had Asperger’s. U

            4. I agree that ASD1 is a normal variation and should not be given a diagnosis and pathologized. How about teaching all humans coping skills instead?

         2. Um, don’t you think she knows that, as her post clearly described how much of the work is on her and her alone? Try some compassion.

         3. I think this is the line of thinking commenters were objecting to, that leads directly to the current administration. If all you are responsible for is yourself, why should I care whether society is structured in a way that works for anyone more vulnerable than me?

            (Setting aside that children, with or without disabilities, aren’t some kind of extension of their parents — even IF parents completely and irresponsibly abdicate their responsibility towards them, those children have an innate human dignity that entitles them to care, respect and support from the rest of society)

            1. +1000. If the parents die in a car crash, their dependent kids still need proper care. I don’t want to live in a society that doesn’t recognize that.

         4. This is a bizarre take. Anyone, adult or child, can become disabled at any time. Do you think that you should be solely responsible with no support if your spouse became suddenly disabled tomorrow, because you chose to marry them? Or if you’re single and you suddenly became disabled, you should just be left to die because it’s your fault you’re not partnered? We’re a wealthy society that can afford to do better than abandon people who are unlucky, especially if you want to encourage people to take risks and invest in the future by having kids and starting businesses (and I say this as someone with no intention of doing either of those things).

         5. So if we follow this argument to it’s natural conclusion, no one who can’t afford the absolute worst case outcome should have kids. How is that going to work our for society?

            1. Fine? The planet is already over populated. We should be having less kids.

            2. Fewer children, not less children.

               But actually we need more. Caregiving alone mandates that for elders, never mind children and disabled / sick others.

            3. Anon at 9:57 a.m. – found the Elon Musk-style pronatalist. Please, share some more of your views, so we know who we’re really dealing with here. Be transparent! No one knows your real name. You can out yourself as what you really are with no real-world consequences here.

            4. Yuck natalism.

            5. This is why I am suspicious of MAID — make people miserable enough through lack of services and then offer this as a solution. There have been some really troubling stories coming out of Canada (and I’m not unsympathetic, but on a wide scale, it’s troubling how it’s being used IRL).

            6. I am pretty sure that Musk is going to start pushing MAID any day now.

            7. It’s just simple math. Look at Japan. Or the state of Maine. The population is graying. And not concentrated in cities here. Children, robots, immigrants — which fix is more likely? Or just MAID when neglect doesn’t fix the problem of people living too long. Bring back smoking? Bacon?

            8. to all the people saying we’re overpopulated and should have less children – that is the direct opposite of what elon believes. that is why he has 13 kids with 4 women (that we know of). it’s why they’re going to tie federal assistance to a locality’s birth rate.

            9. Elon’s pretty upfront that he wants *certain people* to have more children… not necessarily more children overall

         6. maybe she didn’t choose! not every parent CHOSE to bring children into this world. the way the US is going there will be more parents who don’t CHOOSE to bring kids into the world.

            in my state it’s illegal to get an abortion for any genetic reason, which I appreciate on one hand as eugenics is bad, but it’s also putting a lot more people with downs’ syndrome and other caregiving needs and accommodations into the general population.

            1. Excellent point.

         7. This lacks such empathy. On any given day, your or your family member could be killed or disabled in a car crash. There are freak head injuries all the time that are life changing. Any one of us could be personally injured or in a position to care for an impacted loved one. If we all didn’t have children and families, humanity would end.

            If you’re religious, your religion demands that you care. If you’re humanist, it’s just the decent thing to do to create a functional society. Humans and primates are social creatures who have evolved living in social groups that have had to grapple with these issues.

         8. if that’s how you react to her incredibly difficult situation, then please don’t ever voice an opinion on the declining birth rate ever
            What a robotic response.

      2. Hey OP, I respect the hell out of you, and I’m sorry there isn’t a better support network (of whatever source) available to you. Just wanted to say I see you, and I think you are doing a morally good thing.

   5. As a sandwich generation person, is there any basic “medical terms and prosecutes for the rest of us” class? My chart inundates me with testing results. One parent has CKD that is currently managed with a healthy diet but if that fails, dialysis is his next step if his kidneys fail. So many terms — glomeration, etc. One parent had cancer. An inlaw is morbidly obese, so if she falls, no one can get her up. Do you call the ambulance? A special ambulance? She is also a hoarder, so that first 911 call if no one can reach her will have a steep learning curve for all of us (no one is local, another think I think should be avoided and I’m open to following a child or moving closer to cousins as I age). It’s exhausting. I get why people move to the Villages. I joke about it but they probably can step in better when things go sideways.

      1. Medical terms and procedures. Not prosecutes. Not a lot of doctor in juris doctor. Did all my CLEs on elder law this year.

         1. For the medical terms, UpToDate if you can get access. Mediscape if you need something free. OpenEvidence allows a few free searches a week (but makes things up like all the AIs do).

   6. So true. Full time care giving cannot just be one or even two family members who still have their own lives to manage. Sure theoretically you can have 2 people alternating 12hrs shifts, but what family member can just absorb that amount of unpaid caregiver work. It’s physically and emotionally taxing, and it’s expensive for supplies and healthcare. You need professional caregivers or long term placement. And you need $$.

      Sometimes I’ll see a retired husband be the primary caregiver for a wife with dementia and 24hr caregiving needs. Those husbands are in good physical shape, their wives do not have significant behavioral issues, caregiving is essentially all they do in their retirement, and even then they have private pay caregivers for several days a week. The husbands have plans for moving their spouse into an living facility when it becomes too much.

      I see parents as full time caregivers for children, siblings acting as POAs and trustees. I have never encountered a sibling, let alone a second degree relative, who has assumed the role of a full time caregiving parent. They are usually a medical POA.

   7. This x 1 million. My husband and his siblings spent far too long abiding by their mother’s wish not to move her to memory care. His sister was the only sibling who lived nearby, and was the one burdened with daily visits, managing an ever-changing cast of paid caregivers, dealing with home maintenance issues, etc. When they finally moved their mom to memory care her quality of life improved immensely, and SIL was able to enjoy her time with her mother in a way that she hadn’t been able to before.

      Up until the pandemic I had been 100% in favor of continuing care retirement facilities and had planned to move to one when the time came. After the pandemic, however, I have serious safety concerns, and I’m disappointed to see that apartment-style facilities in our area continue to be built with indoor corridors and without balconies and patios. I have also observed that in-home care tends to be unsafe and inadequate and to pay exploitative wages, so I don’t know what the solution is. Fortunately we are still a few decades away from having to make that decision. Whatever happens, my husband and I have promised our daughter that we will not leave her with any hands-on or daily responsibilities, and we’ll take the least awful option that allows us to keep that promise.

      1. In our city, independent living facilities have balconies. Assisted living doesn’t (for safety reasons). CCRCs may have a mix, but when a med cart needs to go around to people, it’s not safe to have it outside in an exterior corridor in the elements or you could short out a med drawer / computer or risk slip/falls for residents and workers.

         1. how is having a indoor corridor inconsistent with having outdoor space on the other side of your unit?

3. I am a state employee in a purple state. My friend asked if I wanted to join a protest at our GOP congressman’s office tomorrow at 11 am on Musk’s takeover and everything going on. Are there any risks to my job if I attend? The group that is organizing the event usually calls the local news so I may be on TV. I would take annual leave during that time but still not sure about the optics of going to a protest during the middle of the workday. I want to attend the protest but I can’t tell if I am exaggerating the risks.

   1. I wouldn’t worry just about local TV, but anyone with a phone who will post on tiktok or twitter. If you feel you should attend, maybe wear a surgical mask or a hat and glasses to obscure your face a little. These are scary times – I just read a piece in Vanity Fair about GOP elected officials who decline to show opposition to Trump because of fear of physical violence against them and their families. It’s very sobering.

   2. I don’t think you’re exaggerating the risks at all.

   3. Does the Hatch Act apply to you?

      1. This is the answer

   4. I wouldn’t. I feel like I have enough problems. Let students or the usuals do this. It’s what they exist for.

      1. Your last sentence is gross.

      2. Yes yes, because the right choice in this crucial moment in history is for good people to sit back and do nothing, and let it be someone else’s problem. Excellent take.

         1. I think it’s like on a plane: first, put on your mask. People depending on you need you to make a responsible choice. Not to try to make a stand that backfires.

            1. You’re welcome to feel this way. Understand, those of us who are going to take action and risk our comfortable little lives to save democracy owe you nothing, when the chips are down. Hope you can care for yourself in perpetuity, because we won’t be coming to save you.

   5. If you’re a lawyer there may be additional rules that apply. When I worked for a state agency, I was prohibited from taking part in anything overtly political.

      1. Also: unscheduled leave, those sort of rules you may trip over. Govt jobs are hella strict and full of rules.

      2. yes i’d be wary of this

   6. When I lived in FL, a whole bunch of us regulars at protests were state workers. That’s how we all knew each other. Rally for womens, LGBTQ, public ed on the weekend, keep the state computer systems up and running during the week.

   7. The legal answer is that if you are a state employee, you have a first amendment right to engage in free speech, which includes political discourse and certainly protest. Do not do it with your badge or your agency’s seal showing on your clothing, and do not otherwise act as though you are representing your agency’s position. You should definitely take leave, as you mention, and not do it on paid time. The Hatch Act is for federal civil service employees, I think, which you are not.

      The more practical answer is that there is certainly a possibility that your agency head sees you on the news and is ticked and finds a pretextual reason to terminate you, and you’ll have to decide whether that’s a risk you’d like to take.

      1. Some state employees are subject to the Hatch Act if they work on federal programs. (Still, I think just attending a protest is fine, you just can’t be an organizer or advertise it)

         1. Learn something new everyday!

   8. There should be someone at your agency who can answer this question for you.

4. Would love shopping help if anyone has the inclination! I’m looking for a beautiful dress to wear as maid of honor- tiny wedding, I don’t need to coordinate with anyone, bride does not care what I wear. My preferred style is Self Portrait but I’m size 18 and pregnant, by the wedding I will be 16 weeks and while I don’t think I’ll be showing in a cute bump way, I also don’t think I’ll feel comfortable in anything that shows my belly and I might be in a 20. I’m really struggling! And I’ve looked at every dress at Tuckernuck in my size and nothing works.

   1. https://www.nordstrom.com/s/kiyonna-embroidered-elegance-floral-gown-plus-size/5404532?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=273

      1. Good suggestion. Kiyonna has a website with lots of options.

         1. Agree, look at Kiyonna. I followed alink here to look at a Kiyonna dress someone had posted here, and now I am being stalked by their ads, which is kind of annoying – but their formal wear is beautiful.

      2. this is so pretty!

   2. Is this your first full pregnancy? If so you may not gain as much weight or show as quickly or easily but if it is more than 1 full pregnancy, you may have to look at maternity dresses and empire waists

      1. First pregnancy!

   3. Try Sue Sartor’s organza collection. Gorgeous dresses and easy to wear as the waist is usually just a tie. She’ll also do custom sizing.

   4. I was a size 18 and pregnant and wore a Selkie dress to be in a small backyard wedding. Similar style to this: https://selkiecollection.com/collections/midi-dresses/products/the-sunflowers-tea-rose-dress

   5. I gave birth to my first a few months ago and was your size pre-pregnancy. I didn’t show until around 32 weeks! I never got a huge bump, even at the end.

5. I’m in the market for a matching lounge set and considering either the Spanx Air Essentials or one from the Varley Doublesoft line. Anyone have an thoughts which is better? I care both about comfort but also looking relatively pulled together in public (flights, weekend outings with kids, etc)

   1. I returned slang and kept varley. Dudley Stephen’s also has some cute sets.

      1. Returned spanx. Autocorrect is so so annoying.

   2. I love my spanx air essentials sweatshirt and wear it all the time, but I returned the wide leg pants because they didn’t have pockets (when flying I really like being able to put my phone in a pocket so it’s easy to pull out my boarding pass while kid wrangling). I think maybe the joggers have pockets but they’re always sold out in my size. Lululemon softsupreme (I may be misremembering the exact) is a similar really nice fabric.

      1. Softstreme! It’s very soft but not the most robust fabric.a

   3. I have both. Both are comfortable, but I find the air essentials pulls extremely easily which is a no go for me during travel because of the constantly taking bags on and off and brushing up against things. I’d go Varley.

6. Who are you turning to for advice now? I’m talking about broadly in the world (US in particular). I was spiraling yesterday in light of firings and cuts at the NIH and abandonment of NATO. My husband thinks I’m catastrophizing. Colleagues at work are also highly alarmed about the situation. Are there certain people or mentors you look to as a gauge for advice?

   1. I turn to people who don’t accuse me of catastrophizing for pointing out specific problems and saying I’m concerned about them. I believed that new coronavirus thing was going to be an issue, that Trump would refuse to step down or otherwise engage in insurrection, that he would win reelection, and plenty more, and there are always Pollyannas who will accuse you of having anxiety (as if it’s an insult) if you say those things out loud. Find the people who will hear you and talk to you as an equal.

      1. I definitely think of people’s track record on these topics as well. If somebody’s coping mechanism is to say “it won’t happen” and then when it happens, to say “it’s not as bad as you think” and then when it’s just as bad as feared, to downplay it in some other way, that’s their business, but they’re not reliable.

         1. Exactly. They’re also not superior beings for not experiencing worry or anxiety.

            1. I was really concerned about COVID early on and was told on here and IRL that I was overreacting. It actually turned out worse than I feared, so that was one lesson in learning to trust myself.

   2. I switch to non-US news which is more objective, and has the benefit of a small amount of distance. If you speak a second language, highly recommend watching the news in that language as it tends to be a bit shall we say feisty-er since they know it won’t get picked up well in the US.

      1. PBS News Hour has been pretty good for US-based journalism. Frontline, too.

         Otherwise, BBC and the Economist have been my go-tos.

      2. The Guardian has more targeted coverage in my opinion.

   3. Cognitive behavior therapy, and/or people who stay calm without being dismissive.

      You’re going to get a lot of comments on who is “right” in their risk evaluation. It doesn’t really matter.

      Whatever the risk, “spiraling” is an inherently unproductive response to crisis. Either the risks are high (and you should be seeking out ways to mitigate and address them) or they aren’t (and you’re wasting your mental energy by ignoring other risks that are high). Going through the exercises of writing out your thoughts, identifying the distortions in them, etc. will help you decide *your own* risk evaluation. I found Feeling Good by Burns to be a good intro to this stuff, although I first did this work in the context of a “serious but not terminal” illness diagnosis. I think that framing can be helpful; if the way you’re processing politics wouldn’t be emotionally beneficial for someone facing a serious illness, is it really emotionally beneficial for you?

      I genuinely don’t know what your risk evaluation should be. None of us do. But there is a way to evaluate the risks without the rumination, and that’s what you should be aiming towards.

      1. To add: kudos to you for recognizing that the people in your life are either over responding or under responding and that it’s contributing to a sense of unmooredness in you. Recognizing that I am spiraling (and not telling myself I’m “thinking rationally given the situation”) is always the hardest part of this for me. But my therapist told me that cognitive distortions are even less helpful where crises are real, and that usually knocks me into doing the work when I’m resisting it.

         Anyway, good luck! It’s a lot right now.

7. Practical info on the falling — yes, she calls 911. They’ll call fire rescue if they need “more strong guys”.

   This is obviously not a great solution, and something your in law should be aware of is that “fallen and can’t get up” is a low priority 911 call, and if her local emergency services are overloaded, it can be several hours. Several hours of delay is associated with worse outcomes after a fall – like being more likely to be discharged to nursing home, permanent loss of mobility and death. I might have a blunt conversation with her about her goals – if you transfer to assisted living early on, you have more flexibility to tour and pick facilities, choose one in the location you want to live, etc. If you optimize for staying in your own home for as long as possible, you run a higher risk of an emergency nursing home placement you ultimately have less control over.

   1. Public safety duties (as opposed to law enforcement duties) of police are one of the few issues where I think an elder is better off in a small community. In a small town, the police will come, somewhere between immediately and reasonably soon, and assist. They get morbidly obese people up off the floor, raccoons out of bathrooms (don’t ask), and will do a general well being check on request and follow up with issues seen.

      I’ve lived in numerous small towns and a couple of big cities. Even in the big city, while you could grow old and die waiting for a response for a car burglary, law enforcement was on the spot for mental health crises and elder safety issues.

8. I didn’t believe that people were actually getting away with working two full-time remote jobs simultaneously until I recently found out that a relative has been doing just that. Apparently they are logged in to two laptops at once and alternate between the two enough that it looks like they are working at both full-time. I have so many questions. First, how is this not fraudulent, especially if they are billing by the hour? Second, what happens when they go to apply for another job in the future and are required to list all previous positions? Do they just lie and leave one off? How do these companies not know that they are each only assigning the employee 20 hours per week of work instead of 40? Don’t these companies require employees to sign conflict of interest statements and disclose outside employment? And why does karma work so that this person will never be caught, but if I tried to pull something like this I’d be discovered immediately and be prosecuted and/or never be able to find work again?

   I am so over this economy, in which cheaters get ahead and honest hard-working people get shafted.

   1. It is fraudulent. Yes, they just leave one off. Lots of people with office jobs only do 20 hours per week of work anyway, but another way of doing this is to secretly subcontract. They lie! People with in-office jobs work second remote jobs too, though they have to be careful about it.

      It is endlessly frustrating to me how many people they are pulling one over on “the man” when they’re actually letting down their colleagues.

   2. I mean, good for them. If they can work two full time jobs and still get good reviews and do the work they need to do, it sounds to me like they’re very efficient. I had a role where I finished my work in about 3 hours and had literally nothing to do the rest of the day. My boss and everyone else knew. Not my fault I did high quality work efficiently! There’s often a ton of dead time in a lot of in-office roles.

      1. I kind of agree. It’s grounds for termination in most companies, but if they can get away with it, it’s hardly a terrible thing to do.

      2. +1

      3. yeah, many jobs do not bill by the hour (I’ve never had one that does. it’s a full time job, but your performance is based on deliverables not time), and unless the company has specifically required you to disclose other employment, it’s not necessarily fraudulent or unethical.

         A few people in my dept got fired when it came to light that they were working two full time jobs. We did have a requirement in our ethics agreement to disclose outside employment, so they ran afoul of that. also, my boss was LIVID. But they hadn’t shown any performance issues in our company, my friend was the direct manager for one of them and only after the fact did he remember the one guy had rescheduled a couple meetings or been slow to reply on slack sometimes.

         1. If you’re a contract employee billing by the hour it certainly seems fraudulent to double-bill for your time.

            1. Sure. But many people aren’t, like I said.

      4. Agree. As long as the work gets done, who cares.

         1. Is it really getting done, though? Shouldn’t the employee be doing twice as much work at one job?

      5. But a lot of times, the work isn’t getting done, which is why remote work got wrecked.

         Let’s also not forget that even if you only have 4 hours of work to do a day, you’re paid for availability. If your colleagues want to schedule a meeting with you at 11:30 am, they should be able to do so, absent another meeting *for that company* or PTO. They shouldn’t have to juggle around your secret second job.

   3. I work in tech, but I honestly don’t see much conflict. If the work gets done and gets done well, who cares how long it took? I can’t imagine someone being able to pull it off long-term without performance issues though, because of how much juggling schedules and lack of down time you’d have.

   4. The impression I’ve gotten is that this frequently doesn’t start out as something malicious. Typically, someone thinks, “Oh, I need a little extra money for x (Christmas, school fees, etc.)” and then they get used to the extra money and can’t quit. Or, they start a side hustle (e.g., property management), thinking it will turn into a full time job… but it ends up being a 15-20 hour a week thing that will not replace their day job.

      I have a paralegal on my team who we suspect has a second job, but we’ve never been able to prove it for sue, her manager is non-confrontation, and it is very difficult to fire someone at our company.

      1. I think it depends right? I had a friend who took an after hours/weekend retail job to pay for IVF as a single woman. Our manager knew and supported her. The rumors I hear are for people working two full time/same time salaried jobs.

      2. I work in tech and there’s definitely a subset of people who are intentionally taking two full time jobs, it’s mostly a post-covid + TikTok thing

         There’s also people who get into it slowly/accidentally, like you’ve been helping a friend with a side project and then it kinda turns into a startup, etc; but that’s a different group

   5. I don’t have two jobs but I almost never work more than 20 hours a week. I’m exempt and don’t bill my time. Very few people I know bill, mainly lawyers and some finance.

      1. Consulting bills.

   6. If they’re not “billing” their time like lawyers do, they’re just supposed to be available to work like most workers with set hours, then I’m not sure how it’s fraudulent or wrong in any way. Lots of companies pay people to do not that much work. People goof off all day chatting with coworkers or shopping online. That’s not dishonest, you’re available to work during the hours required of you.

      Lots of people (me included) absolutely hate workplaces like that. If I’m not actively doing something then I want to go home/not be chained to my desk. When I was a junior associate, lots of associates wanted the local counsel assignments where you’re just sitting in the office doing nothing (but billing for it!) waiting for co-counsel to send you stuff to file right at midnight. I HATED those assignments. I hated sitting around bored for hours and hours anticipating the moment I would have to jump and stress about getting everything filed before the clock strikes 12 when they only gave me 3 minutes to do everything. But a lot of people loved it because they got to bill for doing nothing. I’m just not one of those people. If I could’ve ethically taken another job to fill those hours I’m expected to be at my desk ready to jump at a moment’s notice, I’d absolutely have done it.

   7. It’s so prevalent that there is an entire subreddit on Reddit devoted to the topic (“over employed”).

   8. You know most jobs don’t bill, right?

      1. This relative is a contractor.

9. i just went on the usa jobs site and i am super confused – there are quite a few jobs posted? i thought there was no hiring going on right now?

   1. Are you working for DOGE

      1. i voted for Kamala. I am asking this question seriously, I am confused about what I’ve read.

         1. DOD is still hiring, though you’d have to be a masochist to be in federal service right now. We’re in the midst of a giant psyop that’s a combo of malice and incompetence with plenty of overlap. No one is safe or immune from it right now. it sucks.

   2. I saw someone on LinkedIn post about two jobs listed on USA Jobs and I thought about responding, you’d have to be crazy to consider these positions! But the person posting was really looking for qualified people and not at fault that President Musk is crazy pants.

   3. There are several exemptions for public safety and national security. Even though those same agencies are also laying people off.

      Weare simultaneously hiring and laying off and no one but DOGE knows why.

   4. This happens at corporate after RIFs all the time. There are cuts and there are roles that stay open. You never really know what happened. Sometimes they are targeted to some departments, sometimes they are a chance to clear out expensive or lower performers or people a manager doesn’t like. Sometimes those newly hired positions get let go too. Fun times for everyone…

10. How often do you take a covid test (or covid/flu test)? How often do you make your children take them? We still do a covid test every time after someone has a fever or sickness because I don’t want to get my elderly parents sick, but I suspect we are… outliers here.

    1. I don’t unless it would impact my treatment or quarantining decisions.

       I wouldn’t want my elderly parents getting any infection from me, so determining why I’m sick doesn’t really change the calculus on when I’m seeing them again.

    2. Only if I actually think I might be very ill and want to know if it’s Covid or not, because if not it might be flu or strep which I could treat.

       1. Good point

    3. I think I might be the outlier who’s not taken a single test, as spouse and I have both been WFH since March 2020, don’t have kids, and haven’t been sick once since then (and I’m one of those people who used to get terrible colds all the time). But my siblings with kids and in person jobs at schools and hospitals also don’t take them before seeing my elderly, immunocompromised parents because if there’s the slightest chance any of them are sick, they’re not going to see them.

    4. We never tested unless strictly required for a medical procedure or to board the plane, but we always keep a low profile when anyone in the house is sick.

       No visiting my parents, no hanging with friends, skip activities, etc. It always seemed pretty common sense as most illnesses run through the house anyway. No one wants your bronchitis or your strep throat any more than they wanted your covid.

       1. This is what we do as well. None of us have tested for Covid since maybe 2023? I think? Maybe 2022. But we also stay home when sick – whatever the symptoms – and we also still wear masks in public if we have to go out (like to the pharmacy or doctor) when we’re sick or someone in the house is sick. Like the Japanese have done for decades, as a courtesy to others. We get dirty looks from some people, but we don’t care.

          Completely co-sign the “no one wants bronchitis or strep either.” My son and I both got the flu, despite getting flu shots in October. That wasn’t Covid, but it wasn’t fun either.

          1. Interesting. I also had flu recently, despite getting the flu (and Covid) vaccine in October. But, because I wanted to know if it was Covid, and if I would be gaining additional immunity, I tested for Covid twice, with negative results. That’s how I concluded it was the flu. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been sure because the symptom are so similar. ( I didn’t have a loss of taste/smell.)

    5. aside from tests that were required for travel in the 2020-2022 period, only if I reasonably think I may have Covid. (Have had the same symptoms every time.) I think 5 total based on symptoms? 3 confirmations, 2 negatives.

    6. I’ve taken/used them 3 times this year and was happy I did. What we thought was a ‘mild’ cold on Day 1 for my kid was Flu A and even milder cold symptoms was Flu B for kid 2 a month later. Having the positive test early meant we got kiddo on tamiflu and separated them from dad/other child so only one parent/kid got sick at a time. Our regular sitter masked up and was willing to work with a heads up. She also stayed healthy for her own kids vs. getting the flu twice and passing it along.
       Would I test if it was just the adults (who work at home)? No – but I appreciate the sanity check with kid germs as does our sitter!

    7. I test for Covid and flu when I have symptoms so I can call the doctor for Paxlovid or Tamiflu. I prefer not to go in to the doctor’s office unless absolutely necessary because I’ve picked up other illnesses while there. Even if I test negative for both, I don’t go out when I’m sick because there are plenty of other nasty bugs that don’t need to be shared.

    8. Taking strict measures to reduce household spread is burdensome for us, but worthwhile if someone has the flu or covid. Therefore, we do a flu & covid test if we suspect either based on a combination of symptoms and community spread (we have wastewater data available in our community).

       We had such a good experience with the flu antiviral Xofluza this year that we have another reason to find out fast if we have the flu.

    9. Only if I’m really sick.

    10. Never, anymore. we had a couple on hand because the family of one of my daughter’s friends was being super cautious until probably 6 months ago because of elderly relatives, and would request that she test before coming over. Otherwise, we just stay home and warn people if there’s illness in the house as part of responding to invitations. Some people care, some people don’t, I totally respect if you don’t want my kid at your house when I’ve been running a fever for the last 48 hours and you should have the info to make that call. I don’t care if a fever is from flu, covid, or something else, I’m still going to take some acetaminophen and go to bed.

    11. I no longer take any. If I’m sick I stay home and avoid others until my symptoms have improved and some time has passed, just like we used to do when getting flu-like illnesses.

    12. I plan to be tested by a doctor the next time I get sick with anything. Why risk unnecessary complications or suffer unnecessary symptoms when treatment exists?

        1. this is interesting to me. I am the type of person who sees a doctor only for acute issues or when an illness or a small problem has gotten worse or lingered enough to be concerning. For cold/flu symptoms, I just take OTC meds for symptoms and try to get extra rest. It seems like so much bother to put on real clothes and make a dr appt when I’m sick, plus unnecessary copays! (I also get the flu shot every year and am generally pretty healthy, if I had preexisting conditions, I might be more cautious)

           1. You could always test at home with an at-home test and do telehealth if leaving the house is the biggest obstacle. If Xofluva can leave me sick for a day instead of sick for a week or two, I figure it’s all money well spent.

              The way I understand it, one way to end up with a pre-existing condition is to draw the short straw with a virus, and there are interventions that can lower the odds.

        2. I’m with you. With Xofluza and Paxlovid (my whole family can take the former, I qualify for the latter), I have been converted to “find out what the bug is and treat ASAP if an antiviral is available” because both drugs have been so helpful in limiting symptoms + duration of what can be nasty bugs, but must be taken very early on to be effective.

           But, I’ve found a home antigen flu + covid test and a video visit perfectly adequate. If I wanted to be more sure, I’d probably pay for the more expensive PCR-quality flu + covid test, but the cheaper antigen tests have been adequate for me. I don’t think that my doc could really do anything in person on day 1 or 2 of a viral illness that can’t be done with a home test and video visit.

        3. I’m with you. With Xofluza and Paxlovid (my whole family can take the former, I qualify for the latter), I have been converted to “find out what the bug is and treat ASAP if an antiviral is available” because both drugs have been so helpful in limiting symptoms + duration of what can be nasty bugs, but must be taken very early on to be effective.

           But, I’ve found a home antigen flu + covid test and a video visit perfectly adequate. If I wanted to be more sure, I’d probably pay for the more expensive PCR-quality flu + covid test, but the cheaper antigen tests have been adequate for me. I don’t think that my doc could really do anything in person on day 1 or 2 of a viral illness that can’t be done with a home test and video visit.

    13. We test when anyone has a cold. My husband is in crowded public spaces more often than I am, and has had surprise covid a couple of times. We slept in separate rooms and I managed not to also get it last time he got it. I am moderately immunocompromised due to medication I take for an autoimmune illness, so if I get Covid, I want to get Paxlovid as early as possible.

    14. We do if we have strong symptoms – respiratory and aches/pains or fever. If it seems like a regular cold (people generally have fine energy, just a stuffy nose and cough) we treat it like a cold. I hardly ever get fevers and didn’t with Covid, but I had a terrible sore throat and felt awful in my body so I tested. I’m lucky that no one in my family has been that sick this year so we haven’t tested in a while.

    15. Never. Whether it’s the flu, COVID, a cold, whatever, my response is the same: stay home until I’m better, try and avoid infecting anyone, mask when out for a day or two after I’m better. Admittedly, I have a toddler so “try and avoid infecting anyone” is honestly half-hearted at home. It’s pretty much inevitable that everyone will catch everything within the household.

        1. But what do you do about school? If my kids have a cold, I keep them out – at most – the worst 1-2 days of symptoms, then send them, because cold symptoms can linger for more than a week.

           If it’s flu or Covid, even if they technically are allowed back 24 hours after the fever breaks, I would keep them home for the full week. I’m not over the top about Covid anymore, but there ARE much worse potential side effects with both the flu and Covid so I want to be especially careful about passing those on. Catching a cold from someone else, on the other hand, is basically the price of admission of being a human

           1. Still a human even though I don’t willingly participate in chains of transmission and haven’t been sick in years. I’m sure something will catch up with me eventually, but humans could do better.

           2. Not the previous poster, but I also don’t test for flu or COVID, kids are in elementary and middle school. I think there’s a balance here. We know asymptomatic covid is a thing. We know you’re contagious for both flu and covid before you have symptoms. So, I keep my kids home if they have a fever, if they are so run down that they need rest more than they need school, or if they’re hacking and sneezing so much that it’s gross and would be a distraction. Otherwise, they go to school 24 hours after their fever breaks and when they feel better, whichever is later.

    16. Never

    17. For those of you not testing for Covid or flu, how long do you stay home? Don’t both covid and flu require longer period of isolation (even after fever and other symptoms have abated) until you’re not contagious?

        1. Until I feel better. I wear a mask in public if I’m sniffly or have a bit of a cough. I don’t think covid or flu “require” any period of isolation anymore (especially not with this administration, amirite?) It’s cold and flu season, if you’re in crowded indoor spaces, you’re going to be exposed to germs. *shrug*

        2. I don’t think they are staying home.

    18. I test whenever I have Covid-like symptoms. It is useful to me to know what to expect, helps me make the calculation as to whether to get a vaccine booster (so far I’ve not), and helps me decide whether to go to urgent care. Covid triggers menstrual changes for me (an ‘extra’ period), so knowing is helpful in being able to explain that.

11. I come from a non-religious (now anti-religion) and politically liberal background and my family isn’t particularly close and we all live our separate lives but I feel deep in my bones that the very premise of family is an obligation to care for one another. No one taught me that, and my parents did not/do not model that well, but it just feels inherent in the very notion of what a family is to me. I have family members who don’t “deserve” my help based on their lack of reciprocation over my lifetime, but I still can’t extract from my own ethos that I have some obligation to family. I am not talking about, nor am I providing, constant care. But I feel obligated to help along the way, despite the cost to me.

    Where did you learn that family means nothing? What is the source of that belief? How is it reinforced? I demand to understand what your agenda is because this seems very very suspicious to me and like maybe you are trying to tear at the fabric of society. So please – state your purpose here.

    1. What is YOUR agenda?

       I was physically and emotionally ab–ed as a child. I don’t owe those people a thing.

    2. I believe that my responsibility to my family, particularly to my child, is to set things up so that I do not burden anyone with my old age or infirmity. I believe that familial obligation flows in one direction, from parent to child, but also that there are limits to the obligations parents have to their adult children. I did not have a child until I could support her myself without demanding anything from my own parents, and I only had as many children as I could support, financially, logistically, and emotionally. We are sacrificing our own comfort and enjoyment, but not our retirement savings, to put her through college debt-free. We have set up our wills and trusts and POAs and insurance to make elder care as easy as possible for her.

    3. Lolololol

    4. People who showed me repeatedly how much they value their convenience and ignorance at the expense of my physical safety and mental well-being are not entitled to warm fuzzy feelings from me just because we share DNA. I cannot choose my ancestors but I can choose my family.

       1. I know the post was sarcastic, but I still understood it as meaning actual family and not just bio relatives.

          I’m very low/no for years on end contact with a family member for reasons but for the people I still think of as family, I do care what happens to them and whether I can help.

       2. YES.

    5. I’m guessing they have had/know people whose family has hurt them, at which point the obligation is gone.
       If your family “isn’t particularly close” you probably don’t realize the extent that demanding family can drain you and strain any relationships you may have, both within and outside the family.
       (I actually agree with you generally, but I have enough life experience to know that some people don’t owe their family anything past what they’ve already offered and it’s none of my business if the estrangement is justified or not.)

       1. I was honestly just substituting “loved ones” for family; I wouldn’t want to see my friend’s kid end up on the street if I could intervene either. But I wasn’t thinking about sensitive a topic literal family could be or thinking about how hard it can be to construct boundaries when family are demanding; I’m proud of people I know who have made progress on saying no and distancing themselves!

    6. This is insane go away

       1. I thought it was a parody of the strange accusatory post suggesting that providing care casts aspersions on existing safety nets, which also sounded insane.

          I do get the impression that some people would benefit from learning more about the history of disability and the family and the institutions, good or bad, that people have relied on in different times and places.

          1. Aren’t parodies meant to be funny?

             1. Yeah, if it’s trying to be satire it’s failing miserably.

             2. Not meant to be funny. Also not meant as a broad invitation for comment. Just turning the tables back on the unduly aggressive poster above. Nesting fail.
                My parodies are funny. You’ve seen them.

             3. How long have you been posting here, and you still can’t get a comment to post where you want it to go? Also, any comment or post here is a “broad invitation to comment,” sorry.

                I also don’t think you’re nearly as clever as you think you are. Feedback you probably need to hear.

    7. Some of us are from SEVERELY abusive families and have processed that information & are responding accordingly. My mother literally tried to kill me. Is it okay that I don’t feel responsible for her?

       1. I guess the prison system will take care of her though, so thanks for paying your taxes.

          1. You are taking this way, way too far. Let it go, please.

             1. No, my sharing my actual lived experience is not too far just because you cannot comprehend that this actually happens to people.

             2. Therapy would do a lot more for you than posting these unhinged comments. I am actually worried for you, and hope you can get some help. If you need resources, just ask, seriously. I am sure folks will be willing to assist.

          2. @5:05 Sure, I see. Anything but admit it’s not always an obligation to take care of a family member. You get help. Ask your family if you need resources to do so.

    8. You’re really making demands to anonymous users on an anonymous internet board? You sound fun.

    9. Did you somehow get to adulthood without seeing how truly toxic a family member can be?

    10. “I demand to understand what your agenda is…” ?!

        I mean, the understanding is your work to do.

    11. Lol

    12. Wow, you are exhausting.

    13. Yikes.

Comments are closed.