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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Love! Call me crazy, but I think this navy polka-dotted silk blouse from Tibi would look amazing with a sleek black suit. If you're not feeling the navy-on-black thing, though, I'd wear it with white or dark gray pants, or a more vibrant hue, like a deep purple pencil skirt. It's $298 at Bloomingdale's. Tibi Blouse – Polka Dot Tie Neck Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
GRA
I LOVE this shirt, but I feel like I could get something similar for a lot less. Great pick, Kat!
Bonnie
I love this blouse, especially the variety in the pattern. I may have to stalk this one.
Diana Barry
Ditto, I like that the polka dots aren’t all the same size. Very nice!
LawyrChk
I love it as well, but it’s just outside my splurge range for a top. I will be stalking this to go on sale, though.
AIMS
Thirdsies on the love. Gorgeous!
TCFKAG
Quadruplsies. Though it reminds me a little of the navy shirt with white polka dots from lands ends canvas from a few weeks ago — which I bought and love. I think my DH would platz if I bought a $300 version of it!
Anastasia
I bought that one too! and now I love this one. Do I need two navy polka dot shirts in my wardrobe? … not for $300, but maybe on sale…
southanon
I have a very similar blouse with short sleeves that I found at JC Penney last spring. I think it was from the American Living line. It was pricey for JC Penney – about $50 – but very reasonable compared to $298.
SF Bay Associate
Love, Kat! I actually oohed out loud.
Ellie
Sort of similar: Jason Wu for Target has a polka dot navy shirt with a tie neck. I’m sure the quality is a bit lower, but it’s only $35. Only in stores, apparently at this point. http://www.target.com/p/Jason-Wu-for-Target-Blouse-with-Tie-in-Navy-Dots/-/A-13837001#?lnk=sc_qi_detaillink
btsbsc
kind of similar:
http://www.nyandcompany.com/nyco/browse/productDetailWithPicker.jsp?productId=prod5070122&categoryId=cat790002&FLCat=cat840002&productId=prod5070122&categoryId=cat790002&addFacet=1002%3Acat790002
mamabear
Yes, that is the one piece I wanted from the Jason Wu collection and it sold out.
Call me unimaginative, but I was planning to pair it with navy!
Ellie
I wear it with jeans. Pretty much navy :)
Amelia Bedelia
I was ALL set to purchase this AND rock it with the black suit . . . until I saw the price. YIKES!
I feel I cannot spend this amount on a statement piece that could only be worn, at best, once a month.
Susan
Indeed. While I’m somewhat sensitive to the absolute price, I’m even more sensitive to how frequently I might wear something.
Frump
Hm, I wear some of my more “statement” pieces a lot more often than once a month, probably because I’ve found a way to make them go with a lot of things. I have one bright, multi-colored polka dot blouse that I am able to wear with various jackets or match different colored cardigan/skirt combinations to the colors of the polka dots. I also have a lime green cardigan with a jeweled neckline I wear somewhat often because green actually seems to go with a lot of different skirts (white, khaki/beige, navy, lavendar) and I can match the blouse to one of the various colors of jewels in the neck.
b23
I agree. I wouldn’t limit this to once a month.
Frump
Maybe I’m just really ostentatious, but this blouse would definitely be a “neutral” one for me and I would probably wear it fairly frequently. Then again, I’m wearing hot pink and orange today… with a white blazer to break it up at least a little, to be fair.
Amy H.
This is gorgeous. I dislike normal polka dots, but the variation in the size of the dots on this blouse makes it look more like an animal print to me, and I love it. I’ll be keeping my eyes open for something similar at a lower price point . . . .
1L
Hmm, not really feeling the blouse – polka dots isn’t my thing!
Small threadjack – What would you do in this situation?
I’m a law student that wanted to set up an informational interview with an associate at a great firm I like, that I met at a networking event. She asked to set one up for next week. I agreed to a time next week, and then she replied saying she’d be waiting in her office this afternoon for the call – she must have misread something in my reply.
Do I call her today or mention the mix-up? I’d have to miss class to talk to her, lol, but I think it might be the only gracious thing to do. I really appreciate her time and don’t want to waste it.
TCFKAG
I might reply with something like, “I think there was some mix up? Was there a reason you needed me to call you?”
My concern is that this e-mail was intended for someone else and she hasn’t e-mailed someone she needed to.
LawyrChk
As an overly busy associate, this would be my first guess as well. She probably replied to the wrong email or didn’t read it closely. In either case, I would respond to clarify.
Monday
She may also have you confused with someone else she met at the same event. I’d email something like “I’m happy to call you this afternoon if that is most convenient for you. We’d talked about my stopping by next week, so just confirming the change in plans in case there’s been a mix-up.”
Gooseberry
I think Monday’s suggestion is perfect. It allows you to be flexible if she does want to meet today, but points out the mix-up in case it was unintentional (which, it seems like it may have been). Good luck!
anon
I would instead say something like, “I got your email and I’m afraid there’s been a mix-up in the time for our call. I had the call on my calendar for X date at Y time, and unfortunately can’t make a call this afternoon since I have class. If X date at Y time doesn’t work for you, please let me know another time that will work. I look forward to speaking to you soon.”
b23
Is the problem that you wanted to meet in person rather than over a call, or that you wanted to meet next week?
1L
That I wanted to meet next week – we were going to do a phone call either way.
karenpadi
Honestly, I’d call her this time when she’s expecting the call and ask if it’s still a good time for her to chat. Informational interviews are not billable and I want to get them over with as little hassle as possible.
But then, I think emails to clarify schedules are just awful–especially if you can make it this week. Does she have a secretary you can call instead?
I do a lot of law school recruiting for my firm, and I almost never do informational interviews because that’s what career fairs are for. So kudos to you for just getting the informational interview!
Cait
Thanks to all the leopard discussions lately, I am wearing a leopard-print cardigan to the office today! It’s gray and white, so not too crazy, but it’s still something different for me. Thanks for the encouragement!
Genny
Hooray for leopard print! Although, be warned … First a cardigan, then a pair of heels, then ??? It’s addictive, right AIMS?
eastbaybanker
Way to take the plunge!
Having conquered my fear of spots, I’m now on the fence about bright pink at the office. Not neon, just a bold saturated hue. Maybe one of these days…
SF Bay Associate
Where is your cardigan from? The leopard talk is making me want one, too. Maybe we need a Hunt for leopard print items :).
Cait
It’s from Ann Taylor, but I got it for Christmas so it’s probably not in stores anymore.
Em
I saw that one in the stores – super cute!
I recently sprung for a Kate Spade leopard print wallet; I love it. It, um, joins my heels and cardigan.
MissJackson
I also have the Kate Spade leopard print wallet! It makes me smile.
Anonymous
The leopard print Tippi sweater (crewneck) from JCrew is fab. I just got it and am loving completely.
anon
I got an amazing tory burch leopard cardigan at the Nordstrom Anniversary sale a few years back. Don’t know if they still make it, if not, it is def. worth stalking on e bay. It’s camel/black leopard print.
b23
I love this blouse and your styling choices. Good one, Kat!
Can anyone recommend single-serving containers that you can microwave? I try to bring my lunch every day and would like to be able to heat up my food in the container without getting cancer. :)
1L
Hmm, maybe something glass with one of those rubbery-plastic lids? It may be a little heavier to carry around though.
Geneticist
Pyrex no-leak lids+container! I bring my lunch to campus every day in one of those and it’s always put into my backpack sideways. It’s never leaked with those lids, including when I bring soup.
They fit Pyrex containers of the same size (so a 4-cup round Pyrex will fit the no-leak lid 4-cup)
http://www.shopworldkitchen.com/pyrex/no-leak-lids
biophys
I second pyrex containers! I bring soup and oatmeal (to add water and heat at the office) all the time and love them. For single-serving sizes, I haven’t noticed the extra weight and I feel a little more professional eating out of a glass bowl than, say, the repurposed plastic yogurt containers I use as tupperware at home :)
a.
Third for Pyrex. I love mine.
SF Bay Associate
Glasslock containers. Mine came from Costco. They are a.ma.zing. And indestructible – mine are like three years old now.
Gosh, I’m all over this thread today.
Ellie
Just got these– I love them! They are much heavier than my plastic Ziplocs though.
SF Bay Associate
Yes, definitely much heavier, but also non-leaking. I have one full of soup today, and I threw it in my briefcase with confidence. No leaks!
Anon Canadian
I use the glasslock containers too! I got them at a kitchen store for a really good price but you can get them all over the place. And they are indestructible…. But yes, they are also much heavier then plastic containers.
Selia
I recommended a lunch box from laptoplunches a while ago, and they have little individual containers (with lids) that you can microwave (just the containers, not the lids). I really like their lunch box products a lot! (laptoplunches(dot)com)
anonymous with wrinkles
Does anyone have a hand steamer for their clothes?
I find myself in an in-between situation – a lot of my clothes are washable, and I wear a suit several times before getting it dry cleaned. I’ve been ironing my clothes, but I’m about to hit my lifetime quota of time spent ironing. I’m thinking about getting a hand-held steamer for my clothes just to get the wrinkles out, but I’ve never used one before. Has anyone used one, and do you have any recommendations? Are they a worthwhile purchase?
Nancy P
I just got one — I forget the brand, but it was about $60 at Bed Bath and Beyond. I go back and forth as to whether it was worthwhile. I mostly use it for sweaters that are too wrinkled to wear without ironing or steaming. I hate ironing and the hassle of setting up the ironing board, so I got the steamer. It takes a lot longer than I thought thought — 3 minutes to heat up, and at least 2-3 minutes to steam out. Plus it always seems to steam for 30 seconds and then crap out for 2 minutes, leaving me standing there holding the steamer, or putting it down and then realizing it’s been pumping steam again and running back. Maybe it’s the brand and I wouldn’t have this problem if I bought a more expensive one.
Oh and it sucks power. The first time I plugged it in I blew a fuse.
also anon for this
We have one. My SO uses it more than me, for his dress shirts – it is quicker than ironing I think. I try to hang my stuff up right away but I will sometimes use it to get stubborn wrinkles out of pencil skirts. I hate ironing with a passion but the steamer bothers me less. It heats up quickly, can do it in the bathroom hanging the clothes from the shower curtain rod, pretty painless all around. I don’t know the make and model, but I got ours at a big box type store and it was maybe $40.
SF Bay Associate
Here I chime in again. Yes, I do. I have a Rowenta I picked up at Bloomie’s during one of their super sales. I love it so very much. It does suck power though. The only place I can use it in my crappy old wiring apartment is the kitchen. Try to get one that’s originally priced over $100 – they seem to work better in my experience. Also, be sure to not fill the water up beyond the max water line, lest the steamer start spewing boiling water. Yeah, did that once.
Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler
I don’t remember the brand, but I got mine off of Amazon and I love it, so you may want to check there as well.
Has anyone else with an Amazon Prime membership noticed they shop more with the free two-day shipping? Please tell me I’m not alone in falling into their marketing ploy.
Ellie
I have started buying so.much.stuff with the prime membership. Need new face wash? I could walk to CVS? Enh, I’ll amazon it. It’s a problem… I’m starting to feel really bad for my concierge!
TCFKAG
My SIL barely goes to the store anymore. We joke that if she were to die, the first call her husband would get would be from Amazon.
ANP
+1 with the Amazon Prime addiction. But it’s totally worth the annual fee (I think it works out to less than 7 bucks a month).
MissJackson
You’re not alone. Between free streaming videos and the free 2 day shipping (which is often really 1 day shipping, at least for me), I’m hooked.
MsZ
And free Kindle book “loans”! This week alone I have enjoyed free Downton Abbey Season 1, free Moneyball on Kindle, and ordered 20 oz of chili pepper and a gel wrist rest for my office.
MissJackson
I also enjoyed free Downton Abbey Season 1 this week! And ordered an entire case of Rye Chips (which I cannot find anywhere locally – what the heck?)
I have been holding out on a Kindle in hopes that they are going to make a Fire with free 3G, but I have to admit that free Kindle loans with Prime are making it almost impossible to resist!
Eleanor
I’ve had one for a few months now, and I love it. I’ve used it on suit jackets and skirts, heavier weight skirts, cocktail dresses, and my friend’s curtains. It heats up in 60 seconds and works great once it’s going. I don’t remember the brand, but I can check when I get home tonight if you’re interested. It cost over $100 (somewhere between $100 and $120, I believe). I have the kind with a tall pole that you can hang the clothes on.
The only drawback is that I’ve scalded myself a couple of times when I’m trying to hold the fabric out and I accidentally steam my hand.
eek
Yes, it’s a worthwhile purchase. I’ve had mine for 11 or so years and I think I’m going to replace it soon. It’s a Conair model. I’ve heard good things about the Jiffy brand and I like Rowenta irons, so I presume they make a good steamer as well. I’m clumsy and they are very easy to use. Just get a decent one if you plan to use it on silk, you don’t want it to revolt and sputter water on your silk.
anon
I have a Conair SG60 (just checked!) and love it. It’s not instant, but for me it is infinitely easier than ironing.
Ellie
I have a Rowenta pro model. Love how powerful and fast it gets wrinkles out, even in heavier fabrics. Except… towards the base of the unit the hose has developed a kink where it bends so much that the steam can’t come out. Anyone else have this problem? It still works well, but I have to hold it awkwardly higher in order to keep the kink from forming. I wonder if I should look ingot replacing the part, or maybe getting a different model altogether.
Seattleite
Or split it with a stiff foam tubing, a piece of garden hose, or tongue depressers?
Anonymous
I’ve been using a steamer for years and it is something I now will not live without. Love it. Use it almost daily for something. I have a handheld Jiffy Esteam for travel, which is great and powerful, but occasionally leaks water droplets, rather than just steam. Generally, that is not a big deal, but can be if you are heading right out the door. I also have a SteamFast that has a hose and stand that I use at home. Never had a problem with it. It will need to be replaced after 2-3 years, but at ~$50, I don’t care. It heats up in 45 seconds and has an automatic shut-off, which is great for my scatterbrained self.
eek
I need that feature. I’ve left mine on multiple times before and it’s just bad all around.
a lawyer
I have a floor model unit, Jiffy J2000M (the M stands for metal handle, so you are less likely to burn yourself). Love it. Use it almost every morning. It heats up while I put on my moisturizer and beauty balm, very quickly. I now iron about twice a year:)
I also have a Jiffy ESteam travel model which heats up quickly and is small enough to take in your luggage but not quite as effective or as easy to run over your blouse, pants, or sweater and get the wrinkles out. It is fine for travel.
The floor model is about $150-170, still worth every penny.
newbie chi lawyer
Threadjack re: winter coats –
I’m looking for a new wool coat for work. Midlength and warm enough for Chicago (although I certainly keep my puffer for the worst days). I guess I thought this would be good sale time to look but I’m not finding anything! Anyone seen any good coat sales lately?
Chitown Atty
Boden and JCrew had some great coat sales. Sizes limited.
magnola
the nordstrom coat sale is just ending – they have some high-ticket cashmere coats on sale at the main site, and they’ve racked some too. I just got this, although it looks like there’s only one size left now.
http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/george-simonton-studio-single-breasted-long-coat/3211519?origin=category
roses
Scan the sample sale sites (ruelala, ideeli, etc), especially on Sunday nights when they have their “blowout” sales. There have been tons and tons of designer coats lately marked down more than 70%.
MCA
I just ordered this one from Zappos :
http://www.zappos.com/dkny-belted-maxi-w-convertible-collar-black?zlfid=2
It is styled much better on the Nordstrom’s website though:
http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/dkny-belted-single-breasted-coat/3196487?origin=category
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that 1. it’s warm enough and 2. I will love it!
AIMS
For those who get gel manicures, something to consider – apparently there’s a cancer risk involved.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/gel-manicures-raise-questions-about-safety-of-the-uv-lamps-used-to-dry-the-polish/2012/02/06/gIQAQvVgeR_story.html
Niktaw
“That article, by dermatologists at the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston and the University of Texas Medical School, reported on two otherwise healthy middle-aged women who developed non-melanoma skin cancers on their hands. One got her acrylic nails done twice a month for 15 years using UV lamps; the other had skin cancers develop after having had eight UV nail lamp exposures to her hands in one year”
This is not the only drawback of gel manicures. I am sure it’s not too healthy for the nail to be sealed under the polish for 2+ weeks. My nails are weak and peel a lot; when I have the gel mani removed, the salon people just scrape/peel off layers and it’s a tortuous process to grow the nails out. I have sworn off regular gel manis; however, they are a lifesaver for vacations and I will do it again despite the aforementioned.
phillygirlruns
that’s definitely not the proper way to remove them – they should be soaked off with acetone first so that the scraping is really more like a squeegee-type action. i got them for a wedding a few weeks ago and while i like the durability, i’m hard enough on my nails that i am still getting some chips about a week or ten days out. while that’s certainly far better than the chips i get with regular manicures, i’m not convinced that the extra time and expense is worth it. i’d rather just take the five minutes or so to touch my nails up while i’m catching up on emails first thing in the morning.
all of this, however, is a serious improvement over the acrylic pink & whites i sported for about five years during law school and my first year or two of practice. i convinced myself those looked natural, since i kept them short. what can i say – you can take the girl out of jersey….
Niktaw
How long do the nails need to be soaked? I remember the acetone bath, but it was followed by scrrraping action.
It was a while ago, which clearly indicates a need for a vacation, with or without the attendant gel mani.
Oil in houston
I have done it over the weekend for the first time (the removing bit I mean) – I soaked them 5mn in acetone, and then used a wood stick to remove the polish, it was reasonably easy, but harder on the right hand! However, not sure I’d use the gel again, I agree with comments above, it can’t be healthy for the nails to be doing this long term. Fine for a wedding or if you are travelling for a business trip of important meetings, but I wouln’t do that on a continous basis.
oh, by the way, learn from my mistake: acetone nail polish remover is very strong stuff, it WILL ruin any varnish that you spill it on. such as my wod table. Sigh.
phillygirlruns
at my nail place, they put cotton balls soaked in acetone on your fingers and wrap them in tinfoil to keep them attached. they stayed on for somewhere in the neighborhood of five minutes. the gel soaks up the acetone and gets more of a gummy texture, which they then push off with a metal tool – from my one experience, and from watching others have this done during my regular manicures, there is almost no pressure involved in the scraping when it’s done properly. i think the cotton ball/tinfoil makes a difference over soaking your fingers in a bowl – which is what they used to do with me back in the acrylic nail days when it was time for a new set.
rosie
The few times I’ve had it done, the salon removed the polish similar to how phillygirl described. The place I went to had little wrap things (looked like band aids), so the squirted acetone on the cotton pad and then wrapped the ends tightly around my fingers. Once those come off, they used a tool to almost wipe off the remains–there wasn’t really any scraping.
Oil in houston
I tried both actually – one hand soaked, the other one in cotton/foil – made no difference at all
momentsofabsurdity
Interesting!
If anything, I have found gel manicures to make my nails much stronger and to grow much faster. In addition, I’ve found the removal process to be easy but more time consuming than regular polish removal, since it requires you to soak your nails in an acetone solution first.
Circe
Some salons use a shellac-type product that sets with LED rather than UV – something to check out if you’re interested (and if you’re in Seattle, check out Julep).
rb
Is there a difference between gel and shellac? I know that when I get my nails done w/ shellac, the manicurist is definitely not removing the previous manicure by scraping and peeling. Instead, they put acetone on a cotton ball, which is then wrapped w/ foil. The polish comes right off in a matter of minutes.
Cat
Yikes. I’ve never gotten a gel manicure, but I would think the same risk also applies to the UV light that comes on as part of the normal manicure nail drying cycle? Going to start switching that to “off”…
momentsofabsurdity
I think it’s functionally the same risk – they use the same lights at my salon – but because you need to spend more time under the UV light, maybe the risk is heightened.
I’m low risk for skin cancer anyway (dark-skinned) so I’ll probably keep doing the gel manicures – which FINALLY let me have a few weeks of good looking nails – as terrible as that sounds.
AIMS
I stopped using the UV lamps for the same reason. It’s actually kind of awkward most of the time because the manicurist is always trying to turn it on and there are usually other women sitting around and I don’t want to be the crazy “stop trying to give me cancer lady” by trying to explain it to them, but oh well…
BB
I really liked the gel manicures, but even with careful soaking (with tinfoil wraps for 10 minutes) and scraping very gently, they still damaged my nails pretty badly after about 60 days. This was also with very little to no buffing. Granted, my nails are very weak to begin with, so maybe someone with thicker nails won’t notice so much damage. But they can probably get by with regular nailpolish too, which doesn’t even last a day on me.
I also rubbed suncreen on the backs of my hands and fingers about 30 minutes before each manicure and only put the tips of my fingers under the lights. The one or two times I forgot, I actually got a couple of sunspots on my hands, which are definitely an indication of UV harm.
I miss my gel nails though. They looked amazing and were so durable that my nails grew out a bit. My gel-less nails look so dull and unprofessional by comparison.
mamabear
It seems to me you could take along a little tube of physical sunblock (zinc oxide and titanium dioxide) and ask your manicurist to apply it to the backs of your hands just before you go under the UV lamp.
Unlike chemical sunscreens, physical sunblocks are effective immediately upon application.
jlf
A couple of months ago, I stopped getting gel manicures for just this reason, and I kind of felt like I was being ridiculous and paranoid, so I never told anyone (until now). Your hands are under the UV light for such a long time with these manicures, and I could always feel my skin getting hot and dry and it was freaking me out.
I decided that I would just learn how to paint my own nails at home so that when the polish from a regular manicure chips I can quickly (and cheaply) fix the problem myself. I have terribly unsteady hands, but I have gotten much better at painting them over the last few weeks. Someone even complimented me on my nails the other day, so I have apparently come a long way with my self-manicure skillz.
Always a NYer
Not really feeling this blouse, polka dots have never been my style.
Threadjack – I’m catching up on my RSS and a post from CapHillStyle has me thinking. Prenups, yes or no? As a single, 23 year old, career-minded woman I would have no problem with it, nor would I hestitate to initiate the need for one. If asked to sign one, I’d want to review it and add my own stipulations if necessary. While I do agree with the other posters that it isn’t exactly romantic, I do think it’s practical. Having one’s finances protected doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed from the start, IMHO, it just means that you talked about one outcome.
What about you? Would you be insulted if asked, would you ask for one, have you been asked for one? Do you think having a prenup makes it too easy to leave a marriage rather than work on it because your money is secure? Is marriage really sink or swim, all in or not in at all? Also, would you rethink the relationship if asked to sign a prenup?
Maine Associate
I may be a bit biased as a divorce attorney, but I recommend it. Both parties enter the marriage knowing the financial status of each party and what to expect if the worse should happen. If you do not feel comfortable having the discussion with your soon to be spouse, maybe the upcoming marriage is not going to be as perfect as you suspect. Money discussions can get touchy and it is best to know how your spouse feels before you have committed 5-25 years to the marriage to find out your spouse feels entitled to take everything and leave you with nothing. I may seem a bit cold saying this, but I compare this to planning for an emergency, such as creating your earthquake/zombie pack. You buy life insurance and make estate plans, a divorce is just another way the marriage could end. By spending some time now thinking this through, you may be saving yourself THOUSANDS in divorce attorney fees and emotional costs down the road.
magnola
love ‘zombie pack’ :)
Diana Barry
Meh. We never even considered a prenup – we both felt strongly that our money was *ours* and we would share everything equally.
Oh, and we had already combined our accounts (except for retirement) into a joint account and bought property together as joint tenants even before we got engaged, so it was never up for discussion.
Hard to imagine now – I might get a prenup for a second marriage so that my kids from this marriage were protected from 2nd H getting any of the life insurance proceeds from my DH, if my DH passed away.
Woods-comma-Elle
I wouldn’t be insulted if asked, and I would probably ask anyway if we had particularly different salaries/asset levels. I’m a lawyer, I’m trained to be risk averse, so I sort of look at this from a practical point of view. Sure, I don’t want things to go wrong, but at the same time if they do, I don’t want to have to deal with the drama and would want to know there was a clear process in place with how to deal with the practicalities. The emotional stuff is hard enough, I wouldn’t want to worry about the practical side.
Obviously YMMV, but I look at it a bit like I don’t want my car to be broken into, but I would still want an insurance policy in case it does, and getting insurance doesn’t mean someone is more likely to break into it.
Sutemi
We were married when we were young and poor, so no prenup was discussed. We had talked openly about money and spending styles, credit reports etc well before getting engaged.
If you have significant assets or a child from a previous relationship then a prenup can absolutely make sense.
Everyone who does not choose to sign a prenup is essentially saying that they agree with the way their state divides marital assets. Getting a prenup does not mean you are planning for divorce, just that you want something different than your state’s standard plan.
Lyssa
I sometimes wonder if everyone getting married should have to sit down and have counseling (or at least a handout) briefly explaining how the state divides these things.
Lyssa
I sometimes wonder if everyone getting married should be required to have some counseling, or at least a handout, explaining how the state does handle divorces.
What is the default?
This! Everyone has a marriage contract that details how your assets will be distributed in case of divorce. You can either draft your own (have a prenup) or make do with whatever the state where you divorce has decided should be the default for everyone who doesn’t draft their own (don’t have a prenup). Even if you don’t want a prenup, you should still know what your state’s default contract for you is.
In either case, though, you should still have the discussion before you marry about money (spending attitudes, saving attitudes, investing attitudes, goals, etc.). Get it all out now, so there won’t be any suprises later.
AIMS
This is actually a brilliant way of thinking about it. I am going to borrow that, Sutemi.
It’s like a will vs. your state’s intestacy statutes.
Anastasia
I love this way of thinking about it, and I’m embarassed that I have no idea how my state divides assets in the event of divorce.
I don’t have a prenup, although DH and I did talk about all things financial before we got married, and we are in agreement about pre-marriage assets belonging to us individually and subsequently-acquired assets being “ours.” I stand to lose the most if we count our pre-marriage assets as “ours” as well, but it’s not enough that I needed to press the issue. It is the first marriage for both of us, and we were early-mid 20’s with careers hadn’t taken off yet.
I’m happily married, but out of curiosity, is there any legal equivalent of a prenup that is established after marriage? After watching my friend’s messy divorce recently, I feel like – as Susan points out below – if I ever feel the need to divorce my husband, we likely won’t be the same people we are now, and agreeing how to divide things with cool heads seems much better than fighting it out in court some day.
law talking girl
Yes, you can do a post-nup after you are married. Check with a family law attorney for details on what is allowed in your state.
law talking girl
http://blogs.wsj.com/wealth/2007/06/06/the-rise-of-the-postnup/
cbackson
Well first, if asked to sign one, you not only *should* review it (as you should any contract you sign), but you actually *must* for it to be valid in many states – in fact, you probably have to get separate counsel from your future spouse and have it reviewed by that attorney, if you’re not a lawyer yourself.
I didn’t have one when I was married before, because neither of us had substantial assets. I’m divorced now and probably will be bringing a lot with me when I remarry; I’d definitely consider it. Better to make those decisions while you still love and care about each other rather than as your marriage is collapsing around you.
AIMS
Ha. I actually have a friend who signed one but her “dear” husband basically forced it on her 1 week before the wedding, when she was pregnant, and she didn’t have her own lawyer. I remember telling her that if she was going to sign one, that was probably the most adventageous one she would probably get from her H because as it is, it’s basically invalid.
anon for this
as a kid whose parents had a very acrimonious divorce over money, i definitely want to have something in place before marriage. although i’m not sure some of the problems my parents had could have been anticipated, eg who was going to take financial responsibility for a sick relative, etc, and what kind of medical treatments not covered under insurance they were going to cover.
Lyssa
It’s something that I’m definitely torn over. I’m a divorce lawyer, and I see a lot of people who would have been well served by having had one, of course, though that’s often the least of their mistakes. On the other hand, though, I, personally, particularly as someone who married at 21 when we both had nothing and “grew together”, cannot see being married and not being “all in.” It is and always has been “our money.” Why would you marry someone that you don’t trust, unconditionally, with your finances?
Bottom line, I think that I would recommend it for a few specialized circumstances only. If there are prior relationship kids involved, definitely (but that might be more to handle estate planning then potential divorce). Possibly if there are some unusual big ticket assets, say, a family business, then it would be a good idea as well. Also, if you plan to keep finances separate in any way in general (which I’m not generally a fan of, but YMMV), it’s probably a good idea (because divorce/estate law doesn’t look at them separately even if the couple did).
All that said, though, generally speaking, I don’t think that they’re going to be as useful as you would think. Generally, anything earned during the marriage will still be marital property, and nearly impossible to split up anyway, so if it’s a long-term marriage, it’s still going to be a challenge. Also, you have to bear in mind that you could have to re-negotiate the pre-nup whenever circumstances change, or one person could wind up getting really screwed over (i.e. – let’s say A and B had similar earning power so they agreed in a pre-nup there would be no alimony. Several years later, they decide that B should leave work and care for the kids for several years – B’s not likely to recover earning power for years, if ever. But most people probably wouldn’t take the time/expense to formally change their pre-nup to account for that, if they even think of it, so B, who probably put in a lot of effort to helping along A’s career, could get really screwed if they get divorced down the road.)
Susan
I have a business school pal whose father is a divorce lawyer. He addresses this particular belief: ” Why would you marry someone that you don’t trust, unconditionally, with your finances?”
He said: The person you marry is often not the person you’re divorcing, or if you were, would probably not be getting divorced. The person you’re divorcing, might have another person on the side, and your soon-to-be ex-spouse is often not thinking about your best interests. S/he is thinking about taking as much as possible, especially if there’s a new squeeze s/he wants to wine and dine, and it’ll be taken out of your skin. It’s bad enough to lose what might be the love of your life, why lose more money than you have to on top of that?
Lynnet
I don’t have a pre-nup (got married before we had any significant assets, although I would have considered it had the situation been otherwise), but if I ever take an extended break to care for our children, I’m definitely getting some kind of post-nup protection first.
Anon for this
I would definitely meet with a lawyer to see if you need one. I came to the conclusion after meeting with a lawyer that we didn’t need the prenup to address what we were concerned about (making sure that assets we brought into the marriage / future inheritances would stay ours of if we split), and that the grief involved in negotiating one (because there will be grief) wasn’t worth some relatively unlikely scenarios. I’m glad I spent the money on the consultation.
I Wasn't Insulted
First Marriage:
Young, straight out of college. We both had nothing. My family had a lot; his did not. We had a prenup. He was not offended. It made the divorce (I discovered his affair) very straightforward.
Second Marriage (still engaged and co-habiting):
Met in our 40s. He has two kids; I have none; we’re not making any more. We each have substantial assets. I insisted on a cohabitation agreement, primarily to protect my income and assets from his former wife, who has made comments about them. We redid our wills/trusts and he left most of his assets to his kids; I left him a life estate to my house (where we live) and then everything to my siblings. I was not in the least bit offended that he left most of his assets to his kids. In fact, I begged him to leave it all to them. He refused and left a small portion to me, which I plan to turn around and give to the kids. They need it, and I don’t.
Terry
I suspect that 70% of the value of a pre-nup is that it forces a discussion of financial issues which will come up during marriage. For that reason alone I would definitely consider it. (Although I’m not married, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.)
karenpadi
This. It’s a good stand-in for pre-marital counseling. Plus, when my mom got her pre-nup, the lawyer was able to draft her will on the cheap at the same time.
I’m getting a pre-nup. If only because my ex tried to take away my cat during the last break-up.
Sconnie
The hubs and I ended up in a conversation about divorce once (in general, not that either of us wanted one) and we agreed that the one thing we each would fight over was the cuter and cuddlier of our two cats.
We’re very happily married but no.way.in.h*ll would he ever get Mr. Kitty (not his real name) from me.
Susan
I feel bad for the less cute and less cuddly of the two cats! ;-)
NOLA
That’s hilarious! I always told my husband (now-ex) that he could leave but he couldn’t take the cat. Ironically, he had had the cat since he was a kitten, but he became a total mama’s boy. He had died by the time we divorced, so it wasn’t an issue. I got the better of our two cats in the divorce. The other one was CRAZY.
rosie
I have a prenup. We actually crafted ours to try to remove disincentive from investing in the marriage. We each have some separate assets (otherwise combined finances), and we never wanted to be in the position where one person would hesitate to contribute some of her/his own resources toward a marital asset for fear that we would split and that money would get divided evenly (we set up a loan forgiveness-type scheme, so eventually would become marital).
Keep in mind that prenups can cover death and divorce, so you’re not just discussing a decision to go separate ways, you’re also talking about protecting one another if one person dies, which can also be very difficult to discuss, obviously. I generally like the insurance analogy–I have car/health/etc. insurance because I am practically-minded and it gives me some way to manage uncontrollable or unforeseeable events.
TCFKAG
So I saw a woman in Cosi this morning wearing a a grey blazer, black pencil skirt, maroon shirt and black flats. Nothing crazy and she looked very nice. Except that her grey blazer sparkled. Straight up sparkled! I wanted to run up to her and hug her and find out where she got it (I’m not sure how much it would sparkle under office lights…the cosi in my building has big glass windows so she was basically in direct sunlight).
She also had a bright pink case on her iPad which she seemed to use for business purposes.
I liked her — I hope she reads corporette and sees this. Hi sparkly lady with the pink iPad case!
Cait
I saw a woman on the bus this morning with a fantastic outfit – amazing gray handbag, camel skirt, brown houndstooth jacket, lovely brown heels… but she was also wearing gray tights with rinestones all over them! I had a similar reaction.
Katja
Love!
Susan
Sometimes, I am the gauche awkward person who comes up to a total stranger and tells her: “I love your outfit!!!” (Yes, with all those exclamation points in my voice.)
TCFKAG
Oh, I totally would have gone up to her and told her, but she was with a male colleague type person. Boys don’t understand. They stink.
eek
I do that too but try to temper it by not striking up a conversation to minimize the creep factor.
Susan
Oh yeah, definitely, no conversation. In the manner of the “Parthian shot,” I try to do quick walk-by compliment and leave it at that. :-)
a passion for fashion
this was not me, but i own and use both a bright pink case on my iPad and a pair of sparkly grey slacks that only sparkle a little. and i think she sounds wonderful.
jlf
Were you at the Cosi at Exchange Place in Boston?
jlf
I emailed her a link to this thread.
Need some help (anon for this)
Ladies, I could really use some help / advice. I have finally accepted DH’s assessment that I am depressed. I knew it, but resisted it because…well, I don’t really know why. It seemed too hard. But now, I’ve made an appointment with my PCP and I’ve checked on what the insurance coverage is. I have a list of in-network therapists from the insurance web site. My first question is, how do I start to winnow this list down? And I know that if I pick someone who isn’t right I should try someone else, but how long do I wait before trying to move on?
I am inclined to ask my PCP for meds right away … does anyone know if that’s appropriate (or ridiculous)? Now that I’ve started taking action, I feel like I want some happy pills RIGHT NOW PLEASE.
I’m scared of therapy, but I do know that I’ve still got some childhood things haunting me, and I have not been able to get rid of them by myself. So, putting on my brave face to let myself be vulnerable with a stranger … this is definitely going to be hard.
If any of you could share some success stories, I would greatly appreciate it.
TCFKAG
You may be the first person ever to be more scared of talk therapy then of pills.
As to your first question — your PCP may be able to prescribe some low level anti-depressants as an initial backstop. Anti-depressants are in fact used to treat a variety of medical ailments so its possible that your PCP has experience prescribing them in a variety of contexts. In addition, if your PCP is a person whom you trust, they should be able to give you a referral or two to a therapist. Or else they may have a nurse or a social worker in their office whose job it is to assist patients in getting placed with therapists. Ask for the help you need!
Second, try to remember that therapy isn’t something to be afraid of. Your therapist is there to help you and its a medical service like any other. If you don’t feel a good rapport with the first doctor, you don’t have to stay with them. You aren’t tied to them by an anchor.
It’ll be okay — sometimes the hardest part is taking the first few steps!
TCFKAG
Also, that first sentence sounded flippant. You’re NOT the first person to feel that way. Its just that talk therapy is much lower stakes!
Anon
Just wanted to chime in that I hated the idea of talk therapy — still do. Much preferred the pills. I had a PCP who was willing to just prescribe them without requiring therapy, and it wasn’t until I moved that I had a Doctor that insisted on a little talk therapy.
By that time, my issues had some what resolved because I had moved and started a new career, but looking back on it, the first year or so of being on the antidepressants and figuring things out may have been a lot more pleasant had I been talking to someone.
anone
The fact that you’re scared of it means you probably could benefit from it. Pills are a quick fix / band-aid (unless you have a chronic physiological problem), real healing comes from talking out your problems with a professional who can help you deal with those issues.
Anonymous
@anone: That may be the case for some; not for everyone.
Need some help (anon for this)
Everyone takes some pills for some things. And no one watches you take them, so they could be for anything. Going to a stranger & telling them all your frailties & failings … that’s some big-time scary stuff.
That’s the song in my head.
Intellectually, I know that I just didn’t learn some skills that other people did, and that I am able to learn those skills, but it’s a far far way from my intellect to the scary-monster cave in my heart.
PS: Did not take it as flippant at all. Took it as “hey, that’s unusual”.
anon too
My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and my husband and I ended up doing his end of life care. My husband confronted me about being depressed about a month after my dad died. (We agreed that I probably was not chemically depressed. My husband is a physician.)
Unlike you, I did not want to use an anti-depressant, and so, I sought talk therapy, which has worked well for me. As a very well educated woman, I decided that I wanted to go to a pyschologist (Ph.D. and unable to prescribe medications)- preferrably a woman. I started going in late October once a week, and it has been time and energy well spent.
In order to pick a pyschologist, I read there biographies online, when available. Often, there is some indication of the areas in which they have an interest. I knew that I did not want someone who specialized in analysis, as this can be never ending therapy. There were other buzz words that sometimes seemed to indicate someone may not be a good fit for me.
Finally, I had to call about six people before I found one that was taking new patients.
Need some help (anon for this)
Thanks, all. One of the reasons I want meds now is that the vulnerability of talk therapy truly seems monumental, and I don’t know if I could do it unassisted.
I can get through a day doing surface level things, but if you ask me how I am (and mean it, not just in passing), I start to cry. It’s embarrassing and ridiculous and I know I need help, but how the heck can I get help if I can’t get a sentence out without sobbing?
cbackson
FWIW, I couldn’t meaningfully participate in talk therapy until I was taking medication, so I completely understand. I describe depression as being like having a bag over your head and hearing horrible scary things going on around you, but being unable to see or defend yourself from them. Taking medication was like removing the bag: the scary things didn’t go away, but I could take them on.
Need some help (anon for this)
That’s really helpful, thank you.
anon for this
i spent my first 3 sessions with the therapist just sobbing. i couldn’t even get a sentence out until the 4th. believe me, they are used to it – it’s hard to anticipate what will come out when your emotional barriers are down.
AnonJ
I have been exactly in that place. Anyone asking me how I was triggered uncontrollable tears. I’d have tears running down my face on the subway and hope no one could see. Yet I was still able to go through the basic motions of life, so not everyone knew how bad things have gotten.
I used talk therapy, and although it took awhile, it was one of the best things I have ever done. I was the opposite of you — terrified of meds but eager to try something comparatively lower-risk. Talk therapy helped me learn coping mechanisms that turn negative though patterns around. The first time I went, I sobbed hysterically for most of the session. But I felt better just knowing I was taking the steps to get help. And it was nice to just dump all my worries on the doctor instead of constantly wondering if I was burdening well-meaning friends and family. Friends and family did want to help, but they aren’t trained professionals. The doctor can keep a record of how you’re feeling and help you identify triggers and patterns. Anyway, I just wanted to say that you’re not alone, and I wish you the best with whatever you try. What’s important is that you try something and take the steps to get help. It can and will get better, I promise!
AnonJ
Also, if you’re comfortable enough to ask your friends about this, they might be able to recommend a therapist. I remember thinking I was the only one not “normal” enough to need to seek therapy. Little did I know that almost every single one of my friends either was already seeing a therapist or would seek talk therapy in the next few years! I used a therapist my friend recommended highly, and she was wonderful. I felt safer going for the first time just knowing that my friend had a good relationship with her.
Anon
Well done for taking the plunge. It took a long time before I was convinced I had depression and it wasn’t just me being useless.
Personally I see the medication as the means to kick-start me enough to benefit from the therapy. YMMV. Be aware it can take several weeks before it starts to take effect, and as mentioned by SF Bay Associate below some people need to try different types or doses before finding the right one. You need to be confident in the advice of your prescribing doctor, which may mean going to a psychiatrist or other specialist.
I schedule my talk therapy sessions towards the end of the day so I know I won’t have to go back to work or be sociable. Even after a positive session, I still often take an emotional nose-dive and I need to be able to just go home, eat something and watch TV. I also acknowledge that I might cry, that’s okay, and it’s my therapist’s job to deal with it, not mine.
For me the fact that my therapist is a neutral, professional person unconnected to the rest of my life helps me to feel I can be (a bit more) honest, or collapse, or look bad, or feel foolish, or whatever because a) it’s her job, it’s what I pay her to do and b) she probably sees people who are a lot more crazy and messed up and ridiculous than me.
Good luck, and even if it takes some time I hope the light starts to peek through the gloom.
Expertise
I have shopped for more therapists than I hope you ever will (for my family of origin, for me, for a former boyfriend and me, for my husband and me, for my husband’s son, for my husband’s daughter — wow, that sounds bad! — I promise I am well-adjusted and nice). I would suggest:
* try to find out if anyone on your provider’s list has expertise with your demographics, whatever they are (for my husband and me, I found someone with lots of blended family experience, for example).
* most therapists will meet with you for a short session (15 mins or so) as a complimentary test run.
* pick someone with whom you are comfortable.
* don’t be afraid to switch to someone else if you can’t be truly open with him/her. Of all the therapists I mentioned above, I now realize that some were fabulous, others OK and one was TERRIBLE and I should have stopped seeing her after the first session. She clearly did more harm than good to my family.
Good luck. I can’t say that I understand your fear of talk therapy because I’ve always thought of seeing my therapist and telling her the truth the same way I think of telling my MD the truth: if I don’t, how can she help me? But I hope that once you start, it grows on you.
Accountress
My first few sessions with a therapist were mostly tears, too. There was a great catharsis in it- I couldn’t talk to my roommate about how I felt, or my parents, or even my best friend. But there was this person who wanted to listen to how I was feeling, and help me sort out what was going on. She took notes the whole time, asking only for more detail about a person or situation I was crying about, and then once I had gotten everything out (like a month later), we started talking about how things intersected. There were still tears, but they got fewer as time went on.
But please know- what you are going feeling? It is NOT ridiculous. You have a lot of responsibilities, and you have a lot of history, and sometimes these can collide in a negative way, but it is not shameful and it is not embarrassing, and you are being strong already by admitting that you want help AND by going out and getting it. If you want medicine to help you get started on this, and your doc is fine with it, take it. Depression can have a physiological component, and medicines can help get that component sorted out.
SF Bay Associate
I am a success story. I was very depressed several years ago and really, really resisted admitting I had a problem. I look back now at all the time I was getting worse when I could have been getting better and just shake my head. But in the dark place that is depression, I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t see how badly I was doing, couldn’t see that I was getting worse. I’m also a fiercely independent woman, so the idea of admitting I had a problem I needed help with was not something I was keen on. Huge hugs to you for taking that first difficult step of admitting you have a problem and that you need help. I know how hard that was.
The approved list is intimidating. You can Yelp a few in your area, see if they get good reviews. Google each of them – do they have any certifications or practice group affiliations, like how lawyers can also be members of the ABA section on ___? Admit to yourself that there are certain aspects that are dealbreakers for you. For me, it had to be a woman, and a few other criteria. Call them and leave voice mails. See who calls you back, and how promptly. Find out their cancellation policy. Ask them what their focus is – some are really focused on childhood and how that affects us today, which sounds like it would be a good thing for you. Talk to them on the phone and get a little feel for their personality – you don’t need to explain yourself if you click with a few but not with a few others. Then schedule an appointment with your favorite candidate and see how it goes.
I recommend not having a session in the middle of the work day. I found it impossible to really open up and let me guard down when I was going to have to be at work again in an hour. YMMV of course.
It isn’t ridiculous to want meds RIGHT NOW, but you should ask for a referral from a PCP to a Psychiatrist. The psychiatrist will supervise your medication. Most therapists are not doctors of medicine, and cannot prescribe an Rx, but that’s ok because you don’t need to see a *doctor* for therapy. A MFT or psychologist is great for therapy. You do need a psychiatrist because these are serious medications, so expertise is very important. Your PCP is very unlikely to have that necessary expertise. So push for a psychiatrist referral and get meds right away. It can be much easier, if not totally necessary, to face your demons in therapy only with the support of medication.
Everyone reacts differently to medication. The first one I was put on did not like me at ALL – I got most of the “very rare” side effects. The psychiatrist switched me to another med and it was great. You may need to try out a few before finding the right one. Note that they can take several weeks to take effect.
Success story part: I was on meds for a year. I went to therapy, which was really amazing and powerful once I hit my stride. I now think of it as going to the mental gym, essential for health. I am now very happy and fulfilled by my life. I am so proud of you for getting help. I truly know how hard it is. Stick with it, hang in there, and know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it right now. I promise.
Anon for this
I agree on seeing a psychiatrist — I’ve been prescribed meds by both a psychiatrist and a PCP, and the psychiatrist was much better. She’s much more aware of dosages, and side effects, and interactions. And given that many people need to try a few drugs to find the right combo, I think psychiatrists are much better at finding the right this. Get the PCP to put you on SOMETHING so you can start feeling better right away and feel like you’re at least doing something, but then ask for a referral to a psychiatrist.
Need some help (anon for this)
What a good role model you are! Thank you so very much for sharing your story. Even though none of you know me, I feel better about myself after a day of comments from you than I have in a very long time.
The internet can be a magical place.
Anon
A related threadjack that I was thinking of posing for the hive — this question pushed me into the “ask” column.
How did you decide you needed therapy/were depressed? I’ve been really unhappy for awhile, but can’t tell if I’m just grumpy and need to suck it up or if there’s something going on that I need to talk to someone about. On one hand, I feel like a hypochondriac, but on the other, I am absolutely miserable and feel so stuck where I am and it’s starting to affect my marriage.
anon for this
if you are wondering, then you need it. all you have to do is try a session – if you don’t think it will be helpful after that, don’t go back! and even if you get nothing out of it at all but the opportunity to b*tch at someone for an hour who isn’t related to you or your friend, that’s still valuable. may help if you think that you’re only making a commitment for an hour, just like a facial or massage. if you’ll try anything once, why not try this?
PCV
Do it! If it’s affecting your life in any way, it’s time to see someone. You should by no means wait until you are without a doubt very obviously clinically depressed. It’s much easier to get out of a rut than a major depression. The doctor will help you at whatever level you are–be it just kind of off your game, mildly depressed, or can’t-function, life-is-impossible major depression. It’s the doctor’s job to worry about the labels–your job will be to figure out, with their help, how to get back on track. Good luck!
Emily I
If you are miserable and it’s starting to affect your marriage, I think that is definitely an indication that you should look into therapy or other interventions. Maybe you could schedule an appointment with your PCP for a depression screening if you want to confirm that you are not a “hypochondriac”?
KK
I don’t really think it matters where it fits the label of “depression” or something else. It seems like you would benefit from seeing a therapist to work through your feeling of being stuck and unhappy, whether it’s caused by a chemical imbalance or external factors (stressful job or family situation). I also don’t see how a depression screening could hurt- what’s the worst that could happen?
Anon @ 12:26
Thanks so much ladies.
I’m going to look into making an appointment soon (so now I should go back up and reread everyone’s comments about how to find a therapist!).
CKB
Not sure on how to cull your list of possible drs, but make sure whomever you see does a very thorough initial assessment – should take well over an hour, ime. DH had been told for years by various drs (whose initial assessment was never more than 45 min) that he had this or that type of depression, and put him on meds, which did help. We moved, got a new PCP whoreferred him to a new mental health professional whose initial assessment was over 2 hours. Dh felt she really, really got to know him and how he ticked (it helps that he’s very self aware about his feelings & thought processes). Her diagnosis was that his issues were more personality type than chemical imbalance, but that certain meds would help some. She also ran some blood tests (a first for him). Her diagnosis was the first that really rang true for him, and he finally feels like he has a handle on why he struggles emotionally. So, definitely make sure, whatever dr you go to, that they really get to the heart of what’s going on.
Need some help (anon for this)
First, I would like to say “blessings upon the house of Kat”, and to thank her for creating a forum where people can talk about polka dots and therapy all in the same thread. Second, I would like to thank all of you for your kind thoughts and words. It took me two days to build up the courage to post here, and I’ve been crying all morning, but in relief. Y’all are good people.
I am reading and re-reading your comments, and will (when I dry out a bit) take notes to take with me when I see the PCP.
Thank you.
PCV
Best of luck. You will get through this. Your original post rang true for my experience with depression–everything just seems too hard. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not magically immediately cured, but also don’t give up. It gets better, and your future self will thank you for getting help now.
eek
One of the best things you can do for yourself is take care of you, both for yourself and for those around you. You are an awesome person and I am proud of you for trusting and listening to your husband’s concerns. I hope your doc gives you something to take the edge off so that you can focus on you. And your doc should be able to give you some recommendations on how to proceed. Good luck to you.
L
Best of luck! I realized I needed some help a few months ago and posted here because I needed a kick in the pants to actually seek help. You are being incredibly brave – this, admitting you need help (meds/therapy/combo), is the hardest part. From here, every uncomfortable feeling, every time you cry talking to your therapist, is all worth it. Three months later, I’m happier than ever, coming off meds, and have a good plan for dealing with my stress. I promise you can do it too.
Anon
As someone who finally started taking pills, they don’t necessarily start working right away. Also, some of the side effects may begin before your depression symptoms decrease.
soulfusion
I don’t have much advice because I’m at the very beginning stages of admitting and coping with my depression. Mine hit me hard and fast from hormone therapy at the tail end of cancer treatment when I kept thinking I should be elated but instead felt (feel) overwhelmed and defeated. I was already seeing a talk therapist (who I have threatened to stop seeing for a while and this week finally decided she is just not the right fit) but continued to become less and less functioning until I had a complete break down. I immediately met with a psychiatrist and started an anti-depressant. I’m just two weeks in and am still in the process of gradually stepping up dosage and the world is a different place. Today at work I managed to clean my inbox from nearly 800 emails down to 8 (IT should send me a thank you note) when two weeks ago I was afraid to look at my inbox. I realize I have a long way to go and I have to say I appreciate all of the advice on finding the right professional for talk therapy because I find that process overwhelming but I’m encouraged by so many success stories.
And I agree, this is a remarkable forum.
law talking girl
I think it is perfectly reasonable to request medication right away. Medication can help you cope with the underlying demons and can make therapy more beneficial than if you just leap into the abyss on your own. As others have said, medication can take a few weeks to kick in. They also come with side effects and you might have to try several medications before finding one that works for you. I see a psychiatric nurse practitioner who I really like. I have seen a couple of very kind and caring MD psychiatrists as well but I am a big fan of the nurse practitioner for this type of care. An NP can prescribe psychiatric medications including controlled substances, is usually a little less expensive than an MD, and has a background in nursing. You can move on after one visit if you are not feeling it with someone. I’d suggest skipping the PCP visit and going right to the psychiatric provider, unless you cannot get an appointment soon.
Laura #2
I know I’m a bit late to this but wanted to add a few thoughts (and hugs!):
1) Good for you for taking care of yourself in this way. I honestly think getting through the door to your first session can be the hardest part.
2) In my experience, you can tell pretty quickly (first few sessions, if not the first), if it’s a good fit. Looking back, one of the best indicators to me was how I felt in the physical space. Is the office comfortable? Does it make me feel more peaceful/safe/relaxed or uptight? I remember the first time I went to a therapist on my own, I walked into the office and almost cried because I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and security. They had a waterfall and this cute little office dog and it was all I could do to hold myself together because I hadn’t felt that kind of peace in ages. You don’t need to write a place off just because you don’t start crying upon entering the office, but do pay attention to how you feel and choose a place that feels welcoming and comfortable.
3) I think it’s fairly common practice for a therapist to ask at the end of the first session if you think it’s a good fit and want to continue. Good therapists know that it won’t always be the right fit and won’t take offense to you saying you don’t think it’s what you’re looking for. Maybe you want someone who is more or less interactive. Maybe you want someone who incorporates art or whatever – if so, find that. Remember, this is you taking care of yourself, and you need to find the person who best supports you in that. Trust yourself. You will know quickly if you connect with someone, and if you don’t, you owe it to yourself to find someone with whom you can be totally open and honest.
Hugs again. Seeing someone(s) was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. It was so helpful to me to have a space where I could process and gain some clarity and outside perspective and really understand how my past experiences shaped my current behaviors. My relationships – with friends, family, and boyfriend – are all much healthier because of it.
CoCo
Just wanted to share with my fellow Crossfitting ‘rettes that I hit a new 1 RM deadlift PR — 165lbs, which is more (barely) than my body weight.
We’re spending the next six weeks on deadlifts, so here’s to some noticeable progress!
CA Atty
Congrats! That’s really impressive, keep it up!! :-)
phillygirlruns
nice job! moving more than your bodyweight is no joke.
deadlifts are “my lift” – my goal is to pull 300 by the end of june, which will mark one year of crossfit for me.
Mamma Mia
Love this shirt.
Lady-stuff rant that I can’t really share with anyone but my husband, who doesn’t really *get* it. I stopped my pills in November, and have tried to keep careful track of my cycles since then. My first period came on the 50th day. 50th! So, I reprogramed my tracker (there’s an app for that) to account for a 50 day cycle, just so I wouldn’t freak out, and now, I’m on day 60, with no Aunt Flo in sight. I keep getting tiny little stomach pangs that feel like they might be the beginnings of cramps, but then they don’t pan out (so, of course, I’m worrying about being ready to start all of the time, too.) I took a test a few weeks ago, just to be sure, but, of course, I was only late at that point if I would have been on a somewhat normal schedule, not a “whenever my hormones feel like it” schedule, so who knows. I HATE taking the tests – I always feel like it has to be the exact right time, just in case it’s positive – I can’t just take it before I have to go to work or something, and I want to make sure my husband’s around, because somehow it feels like it would be unfair to not be able to share the news with him right away, and I don’t want to take it when I’ve just had too many liquids because that can maybe skew it, and so on. If my cycle were just predictable, then I could just take it once and be done.
Arrgh! I’m not even that anxious to get pg, I just figured it will happen when it happens. I just want to not be worrying about it all the darn time!
Anony
If your periods are 50-60 days apart, you may have trouble getting pg. I’d suggest going to your doctor and/or investing in a Clear Blue Easy monitor so at least you know when you’re ovulating.
Diana Barry
Sorry. I dealt with this too – no periods on my own after I went off the pill for over a year. I had to take provera about every 3 months to induce a period. To conceive our first, I took provera to induce a period, then clomid to induce ovulation, plus planned busy-time during that month.
Have you been taking your temps? If your temps stay the same with no dips or peaks, it probably means you’re not ovulating and will need some kind of kick-start to get pregnant. If it goes for 6 months after going off the pill with no or few periods, go to your GYN and get a referral to an RE. They can do a workup and tell if you’re not ovulating and what the cause might be.
Good luck!
phillygirlruns
how long were you on hormonal BC? i’ve heard stories from friends who were on it for 10+ years that it took them six months or more to get back to any semblence of a regular cycle. by all means test, test, test, and speak to your doctor about this if you’re concerned, but it definitely sounds like you are not alone in your rant.
long time lurker
I stopped the Pill after 7 or so years and it took a while to be back to normal. I did not get a period for two months and then bam there it was. I called my dr. and she said give it a few months and then come see her if it was not regular-ized. It took about four months but now I am on a predictably 28 day cycle. I am mid thirties btw.
Margaret
Diana Barry makes a really important point. You should definitely be charting temperatures if you’re not already. This is true whether you want to conceive, avoid, or whatever. Check out/borrow/buy the book Taking Charge of Your Own Fertility. By taking your temperature, you can tell when you’re ovulating (and thus when to have/avoid s*x); you will then also know if your cycle is just long or if you’re pregnant. No need for any ovulation tests or even pregnancy tests, and it’s super simple to do. I started charting right away when I went off hormonal BCP for exactly this reason — wanted to know what was going on in my body so I didn’t unnecessarily freak out.
Anon Canadian
I just got off the pill in November as well. My first period came at day 38, but I started spotting at day 31. Same pattern for the second period after bcp. I was talking to my midwife cousin about it and she recommended reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. I had already done some googling and came up with recommendations for that book as well. Well my cousin lent me her copy and I can honestly say it was a crazy eye opener! The information that the book gives you is empowering. I actually recommend reading the book and charting for a couple of months before you go to the doctor for a couple of reasons: 1) it will help the doctor narrow down the issue if there is actually an issue 2) you will know so much more about your body and your cycles then you ever realized was possible 3) you won’t have to worry all the time.
Seriously I’m drinking the kool aid with this one and trying to pour it down everyone else’s throat too!
It’s normal for your cycles to be all jacked up for a while after you stop hormonal birth control. And what’s normal for one woman is not what’s normal for another. But Taking Charge of Your Fertility will help you understand what’s normal for you.
SpaceMountain
Love that book. I’ve been using her method for over a decade now, first to get pregnant and then as birth control. It explained so much that I didn’t understand about my own body. Fascinating reading.
Mamma Mia
Thanks, all. Just to clarify, I’ve been on hormonal BC for ages – 12 years, give or take. And pre-pill, I always had really erratic cycles as well. I’ve hesitated to call the doctor or do more to monitor my fertility because I’m not really trying to *push* it along. I don’t really want to try or not try, so I’m afraid to monitor my fertility too much because then I’ll overthink it. Because I’m not overthinking it now, of course. :)
SpaceMountain
Then get Taking Charge of your Fertility, and start charting your temperature simply as a science experiment to figure out why you are having 60-day cycles. It’s all about education and knowing your own body; you don’t have to be “trying” or “not trying” to want to understand your body.
Anon Canadian
We’re in really similar situations. I was on hormonal bc for about 14 years and my cycles were irregular before I went on as well. Also when my SO and I decided to go off the pill we decided to just let things happen naturally. I’ve been saying that I’m not going to chart or temp and if I don’t get pregnant within a year of going off the pill then we’d start taking a more hands on approach. After reading the book we’re still not in any rush but I’m looking at monitoring my fertility from a different perspective.
I’ve always thought of monitoring fertility as something you do specifically to get pregnant. But after reading the book I’ve started to think of it as something more along the lines of taking a multi vitamin every day. My fertility is a major part of my health as a woman and monitoring my fertility can help me get pregnant, avoid pregnancy, and help my heath care provider diagnose any potential health problems.
Seriously, read the book even if you don’t start using the method. I’ve only been temping for about a week and I think I’ll only temp for a couple of months. Space Mountain is so right, it’s all about education.
Goosebumpy
Get the book. It will make you feel infinitely better. Eight months ago I went off birth control after ten years and my cycles still aren’t straightened out (60 days for the first two, then down to 40, and now who knows). And I was erratic pre-pill, too, and just convinced there was Something Wrong With Me. All my friends suddenly starting to have kids made me so, so antsy, and reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility was such a relief. I’m somewhat excitedly waiting for the start of my next period so I can start charting. (Although if it doesn’t happen…pregnancy would be a welcome surprise.)
Amelia Bedelia
go to a doctor sooner rather than later.
If you must, lie. Say you have been trying for over a year. This is the magic number for a referral to a RE. I know that sounds awful, but I wish my PCP had not made me wait a year for a referral. It was horrible. I knew something was wrong, but no one would listen until I achieved my magic number. In my case, the problem was not fixable (i.e., my husband and I do not believe in the only things that might result in a conception). I wish I had known this sooner and saved myself a world of heartache.
gov anon
I feel your pain. I went off hormonal BC in October, and feel like my cycle is all over the place. It was 40 days to my first period, then 2 weeks to the next. Then somewhat normal, then 2 weeks. And the PMS! I’m hoping things calm down soon.
AN
Love the blouse, wish it wasn’t silk….hate dry cleaning bills.
Anyway, cannot buy anything with just 7 weeks to go before I deliver my little girl!
Diana Barry
Awesome! I have about 8 weeks left. :)
AN
Hope you’re doing ok. My guilty pleasure right now (apart from toblerone) is stalking cute dresses and dreaming of burning the few maternity clothes I’ve been living in…….
Margaret
I’m already bored with my maternity clothes, and I’m only at 18 weeks. Sigh. The Piperlime marketing email today with the beautiful non-maternity maxi dresses in awesome bright prints made me very sad. On the bright side, I found out today we’re having a little girl, so I can start shopping for dresses for her!
Diana Barry
LOL. I am really tired – just dreaming of staying home and not having to work! Also, I ordered dresses to wear to the baby’s baptism (only about a month after she will be born, what am I thinking????) already. I will need mega Spanx!
And yes, I hate all my maternity clothes now. Bonus that this is the last one for us (I think) so I can get rid of them for good!
Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler
Lately I’ve been getting home and I’ve been so mentally exhausted it’s hard to do anything. My body wants to get up and go, but my mind is completely and totally done for the day. I’ve been trying harder to get a full night’s rest more frequently, but come the end of the day and I can’t do anything that involves more thinking than putting something in the microwave and changing the channel.
Has anyone else experienced this? Will it go away on its own or do I need to take some sort of action? If I need to do somenthing, are there any suggestions?
TIA
Lawlala
I had that problem for a little while. I was able to get it under control with exercising, but I might’ve just been lucky (also I didn’t exercise before, so I wasn’t in good shape).
I worked out till I was really physically exhausted, then I went to the steam room, took a shower, went home, chilled on the couch, and fell asleep at some point.
Lawlala
During that time I also experienced something that I called “white noise in the frontal lobes”. It seemed like every synapses fired at the same time without transmitting anything useful.
Has anyone else ever experienced that? I was completely unable to focus on anything at the end of the day.
Ashley
If your body is still ready to get up and go, I’d suggest going for a workout. I’ve found that the endorphins inject some energy into my brain, and the feeling of the wind cooling me down on the walk to my car clears my head of all stress and exhaustion. I know my go-to suggestion is to workout, but it seriously makes everything better! You could even consider taking a group class that engages your brain little to follow the moves vs. a “mindless” workout like running on the treadmill. The other great thing about group classes is that they usually push you harder than you push yourself. So, you have to think about our breathing to just get through the exercise, which makes you realize that whatever tired/stress you had in your head is just not worth it if you can’t breathe :)
eaopm3
I can admit that I was like this for over a year after I started my new job and I would still be that way if I hadn’t taken the initiative to get off my arse and go for a run a few days a week. On the days I don’t run, I have more energy. On the days I do run, I have more energy. I still go through spells where I fall into do-nothingness, but I am able to forgive myself for those since I am more active now.
Bunkster
What am I going to do without Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie and Glee for over a month? Admittedly, GG and Glee have kind of jumped the shark, but I love HoD, even though it’s really hokey and predictable. Hot, shirtless Wade makes up for it.
I’ve still got Revenge.
On the other hand, maybe this is a good time to watch all of Homeland. Comcast screwed up my account so they gave me Showtime free for 3 months.
Any recommendations for other shows?
TCFKAG
When I found out that hot Shirtless Wade was gone until April last night, I almost cried. I just don’t know WHAT I’m going to do Bunkster (imagine that said with an appropriately throaty southern accent).
Woods-comma-Elle
WHAT?! APRIL?! I can’t wait that long!
At least I still have this week’s ep to catch up on…
Anonymous NYer
HoD makes me so happy. Combination of shirtless Wade and NY-er in a southern world. Makes me wanna move south and find a shirtless Wade of my own. I heard the show is not definitely coming back for a 2nd season (not quite on the chopping block, but they haven’t renewed maybe?), I will be utterly depressed if and when that happens. As it is, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to last for the next 5ish weeks without it.
TCFKAG
If it doesn’t come back, all the HofD fans on here are pooling our money to pay Wade to walk around TV shirtless once a week and smile. I don’t really care what he talks about while doing it.
Gah. I’m so worried now.
Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler
Once Upon A Time and Grimm are the only others I have time to follow. Awake (starting Thursday on NBC) looks really good though.
Plus if you’re really desperate, a new season of America’s Next Top Model starts soon. ;-)
Always a NYer
I’ve given up on GG, the crazy train got to be too much for me. I love Castle (Mondays at 10pm on ABC), The Good Wife (Sundays at 9pm on CBS), Person of Interest (Thursdays at 9pm on CBS) because Jim Caviezel is really yummy eye candy, and Blue Bloods (Fridays at 10pm on CBS). The USA network shows are great for fun escapism – White Collar, Covert Affairs, Royal Pains.
It seems like tv shows aren’t what they were ten years ago. That said, I can’t wait for 12 weeks of True Blood awesomeness each summer. It’s the one show that just gets better and better with each season. And the man candy is amazing – Alcide and Eric shirtless? Yes, please!
TCFKAG
White Collar’s season finale is next week too though! (Castle is awesome! Castle and Beckett foreva! I would probably watch Nathan Fillion read the dictionary.)
b23
I love Castle! Last night’s episode was good.
Always a NYer
Yes! The chemistry between Castle and Beckett is great. And I love the dynamic of the Castle family =p
TCFKAG
I loved Castle and his mother last night with the one-act play. “You know none of this is true right?”
Also, I loved “You’re cute when you’re mad….Not when you’re mad at ME!”
Kady
Why won’t he just hold the gd twine?
Amelia Pond
I just have to add that I am getting annoyed with TV doing this. Glee took a month off for the holiday season, plays 5 new episodes and now is on “winter break”. What’s the deal?
Lynnet
The standard tv show has only 22-24 episodes a season (less than that for cable shows), but the tv season runs from the beginning of September to the end of May. So networks can air straight through (like they did with Lost and 24), or they can have all of these little breaks. There are advantages and disadvantages to each, if you air straight through there is a much bigger break between seasons. Networks have to take into account sweeps months, times when people are less likely to be watching tv, and the other shows in their lineups.
a.
My friend just gave me her HBO Go log-in information, so in the last two weeks I’ve gotten halfway into the third season of True Blood (so, Alcide shirtless). And I love it! I was wondering how I was going to survive without Sherlock and Downton, but True Blood is just *awesome* and the man-candy is unparalleled.
I also watch Grimm when I remember about it. I gave up on Once Upon a Time. Just can’t handle the contrived storylines and how incredibly stupid everyone appears to be.
CA Atty
I’m fighting Once Upon a Time. I still have 3-4 eps on my DVR and I enjoyed a the first ones quite a bit, but I found myself yelling at the television screen a disturbing amount. “Are you KIDDING ME??? You’re only figuring this out NOW!!!???” and “Oh, NOW you get it?? When it’s TOO LATE!!!!” Awkward! Especially when my windows are open. :-)
I never managed an episode of Grimm, but I figured it sounded like Supernatural, which I am vowed to stick with through thick and thin, though I’m behind on that as well.
The one I kind of regret giving up is Ringer. It was a bit crazy in the first couple eps and my SO really didn’t like it. I don’t really need to add shows to my rotation, so I dropped it. Now every so often I see commercials or spoilers and it looks like it’s gotten pretty good.
zora
so funny, I’m exactly the opposite. I can’t stand Grimm and how everyone is so ‘pretty’ and women never have agency and can only ever be victims. I love Once Upon a Time mostly just because there are so many interesting women characters, and they get to kick a**.
Kanye East
Hush your mouth! Gossip Girl is the most hilarious comedy on television!
Woods-comma-Elle
But Mad Men is back soon!
TCFKAG
I’m SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Though I don’t really like the Draper and his secretary storyline. Meh.
Woods-comma-Elle
I’m so with you on that – it’s weird and I feel like it’s kinda out of character for him and is just a bit ridiculous.
But the clothes – oh the clothes!
TCFKAG
Plus, I feel like he had deeper relationships with like, his scotch bottles than with that girl (admittedly, no relationships on that show are a study in “health” or “communication”).
But I do love me the clothes. :-)
JessC
I agree that it’s kinda crazy. But I wonder if the fact that she didn’t throw herself at him and try to push him into a relationship, is what made him want her. I don’t think its super out of character for him though – I think he’s the kind of guy that once he decides he wants to do something, he’ll just do it.
Anonymous
Agree totally.
Although Megan the secretary is basically what he wanted Betty to be — perfect, beautiful, doesn’t question his crazy or his hiding stuff. Megan is the perfect ultra wife for Don. Too bad Don is so completely emotionally stunted.
TCFKAG
We should start a pool on the number of episodes before he cheats on her! It’ll be fun and there can be a Mad Men themed prize to the winner.
KK
I actually enjoy that storyline. I wouldn’t like it if they were selling it as him being really in love with her, but I think it is so in-character for him to seek that perfect little housewife again, especially given that (1) the California lady/his oldest true friend passed away, and (2) his kids love her. Plus remember the psychologist lady told him that he’d be married again with a year? I love her being right about that.
Also, that scene at the end when Peggy and Joan commiserated about how stupid he was being was just priceless. One of my favorite scenes ever, actually.
TCFKAG
That particular scene WAS awesome.
I also liked the scene a couple episodes before the end of the season (I think) between Peggy and Don in the bar.
Okay, now I’m getting really psyched. Woohoo MM is coming back. :-)
JessC
So excited! Seriously considering throwing a Mad Men-themed party to celebrate the show coming back (and who doesn’t love a good theme party?).
nona
Do it! I host MM viewing parties – this will be my third year. Some girlfriends come over mid-week and watch 2 episodes (we go every other week) and have thematic food. And then by the time the season is over I’m ready to be done planning. :)
Merabella
GCB starts this weekend and it looks funny. I really love Once Upon a Time, kind of hokey and silly but still fun. If you have Showtime On-Demand you can watch episodes of The Tudors and Secret Diary of a Call Girl, or on Showtime Go online.
CKB
I’ve really been enjoying Smash. I loved Katherine MacPhee on American Idol, and I’m enjoying seeing her again. And the storyline is getting jucier. Can’t wait to watch last night’s episode.
bad day
Someone I had to fire 10 years ago, who is bipolar, popped up in my inbox this morning saying happy anniversary (of his firing). Crazy rantings but just enough half-truths and it still hurts and gives me a sick feeling. He’s been determined not to be a physical threat so there’s not much I can do, but it also makes me crazy that a few people around me continue to feed him information that he can use to hurt me.
Not really needing advice. Just to say it in writing.
anon
I wrote the other week about my SIL. Just so you know, you are not alone. Especially when there’s about 20% true stuff with the 80% mental illness stuff. It’s disconcerting, to say the least.
bad day
Yeah I remember reading that about your SIL and really being able to relate. I forwarded the email to my new boss to warn him that this will eventually come to him. If I respond to his emails, he escalates things and will fire off replies to our whole organization – most of whom have no idea who he is. I try not to let it bother me, but it does.
Can't wait to quit
It could be worse. I read “Someone I had to fire 10 years ago pooped in my inbox…” Not that the stalking isn’t creepy, but poop is worse, IMO.
bad day
Okay, even funnier is that that’s what I originally typed. You made me laugh on a bad day. Thanks! I’m getting over it.
TechAnon
Sounds like he really did crap on her day, so quite the appropriate typo.
Terry
Think about the people you saved from having to work with this person! I bet his former co-workers are celebrating the 10 year anniversary of the day they were no longer frightened to go to work.
bad day
Honestly, there are so few people who still work here who knew him, there aren’t many! A few years ago, he would try to hurt my boss and me by blasting out hurtful emails to our whole organization. Half of the people were saying “huh? who is this crazy person?” because they had never heard of him. It’d be even more now.
CA Atty
I don’t know what you do but for the past week my friends and I have been saying “but at least we’re not taking the bar!” It’s going on right now and for the next 1-2 days depending on your state, thousands of JDs hoping to become Esqs are sitting in cold sweats in convention centers everywhere.
Don’t know if it helps you, but it’s helping us!!
Laura #2
Sorry to hear this. I have a close family member with bipolar disorder and this behavior doesn’t surprise me at all. My $.02 would be to remember that you are coming from a position of logic and reason and rationality, and he is not. You can not and will not have a rational conversation with an irrational person – you’re not coming from the same place, so the only result will be you growing increasingly frustrated while he doesn’t change. It’s unnerving, though, when there are glimpses of truth in the irrationality. I have played the “what part of this version of the truth is really the truth” game more times than I care to admit.
Sometimes I need to read this blog post as a reminder to myself: http://rosiemolinary.com/2011/07/20/a-simple-rule-dont-engage-crazy/
Hugs!
Ooohhhh
I am in love with this dress. Is this whole “conservative-ish clothes with neon edges” something that is up and coming? I remember the gray suit with the yellow edge (or navy and orange), don’t remember the brand, but it was on here.
I’m drooling all over it (except the little orange detail on the bust – that seems like trying too hard).
http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/t-tahari-dress-jessie-sleeveless-tweed-sheath?ID=650468
Ooohhhh
I read this blog way too much, I never used the expression “drooling over clothes” before
b23
That is a flipping fantastic dress. I. Want. It. Dang it, Lent.
Ooohhhh
Maybe it will be on sale after lent.
elz
Threadjack to say that, thanks to Corporette comments, I now have 3 colors of “The Skirt.” They really are all that & a bag of everything. Several colors are on sale now; Nordstrom is practically giving them away. Just wanted to share the love/disease/compulsion.
ANP
Second! I now have two Skirts (orange and a really fun red). Since I only work four days per week I feel as though I can’t really justify buying more in different colors and yet the grey is on sale…
Maddie Ross
Ha – I have 8 (seriously). They are the backbone of my work wardrobe now.
Circe
I love it too! Though I have been losing weight – can anyone tell me how the sizing is compared to LOFT or Limited? Must have the blue!
zora
go down a size from what you are in LOFT. They run big.
Circe
Thanks, Zora.
Amy H.
The Skirt runs large — if you are losing weight, definitely size down one and maybe even two sizes.
phillygirlruns
buying at least one now (navy pencil skirt for $33? um, yeah), and possible others at full price – kelly green and possibly the mustard shade, though i’m a bit stumped on what to pair that one with other than navy. a mustard blouse i could do with any number of things, but for some reason i’m struggling with it on the bottom.
Anon Canadian
What is this “The Skirt”? I must have missed it and I just tried googling “The Skirt” and “Nordstorm” and my google-fu failed me.
TCFKAG
It is the Halogen Seamed Pencil Skirt.
I own two and am considering a third in the dark blue.
TCFKAG
Never mind, not debating any more. Its on the way.
Merabella
I gave in too…
Circe
Me three!
Anon Canadian
Thanks! I might be getting on this bandwagon too. The Skirt looks lovely and versatile, and the Canadian prices seem on par with the American!
anon prof
I ordered my 3rd yesterday when the blue one went on sale. Whoo hoo!
Anon 42
My first one should be arriving today! I’m trying to keep expectations in check since as a 5’2 pear shape I’ve always assumed I could never rock a pencil skirt so we’ll see. If it works I’m for sure getting the on-sale grey one and that lovely green.
Ellie
Just ordered #2 and #3 for me. “Storm” and this dark blue one. I already have hot pink. I don’t even have a job right now… it’s an investment though, right?
Kady
annoyed that Halogen seems to no longer be really making the Skirt for petites….
a lawyer
Agreed. Cannot find good prices or colors for petites in this Skirt.
Anon
Can anyone comment on New York & Co. pants (fit, quality at that price point)? I understand that they are not the nicest, but do they look decent enough to wear on less formal days as a junior Biglaw associate? I am looking to replace an old pair of polyester blend plaid pants from The Limited that I love because they are comfortable and machine washable, and I feel like I can’t find plaid or textured pants ANYWHERE right now as solid bright trousers seem to be the “in” look. Other suggestions are welcome.
SB
I wore them when I first started at Big Law because it was all I could afford. You can get pretty decent stuff for realllly cheap. The fit is “normal” (i.e. – I wear a six in BR, and I also wear a six in NYC.) My only hesitation is that sometimes the fabric is shiny or cheap — but not all of it is this way. So long as you give it a hard look before buying it or wearing it, I think you’re set. They also have decent, cheap oxford-style shirts that I still have a few of. Same deal though – you have to make sure they’re not shiny or the buttons don’t look cheap. Moral of the story – I think it’s an option worth exploring but you’re going to have to dig a little bit.
Anon
Hmm I’ll be buying online, as I don’t think there’s a store in my city. The pair I’m looking at is 98% cotton so maybe it won’t have the cheapo look a synthetic would. The appeal was that they’re doing a BOGO sale on pants today but I’m having trouble finding a second pair of pants I like, so maybe I’ll pass if they are really hit or miss.
Gap pants
for a similar price point, I’d recommend gap pants…their premium colleciton actually looks much pricier than it is, they wash great (good to save on dry cleaning!) and they’re always on some sort of sale (don’t ever buy gap or banana stuff NOT on sale, because they have so many. good luck!
Anon
Yeah I’ve heard nice things about Gap pants but, like BR, Ann Taylor, J Crew, Brooks Brothers, and every brand they carry at Nordstrom, Gap only has solid colors or pin stripes in my size. The Limited has a couple of plaid styles, but only one with belt loops (necessary) and they are full price. I think I’m going to order a pair of 60% off linen Theory trousers from Nordstrom Rack that look like they have some texture and see how those look.
anon
I actually think the NY & Co. pants are quite comparable to the Gap premium pants in terms of quality. They are pretty decent for the price, especially if you get them on sale. The one caveat is to check the colors carefully, like others have suggested. Some are perfectly fine (black, navy blue) but some can be shiny or a really icky shade (a brown pair I ordered once).
Grumptastic
I hate the word “preggo” and all variations thereof. Apparently I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning — I’ve heard it way too many times already today, and it’s making me feel very grumpy.
TCFKAG
Even preggers? :-) Because it makes me giggle and I use it.
Oh well, different strokes I guess. I promise I will only refer to you as “with child” if we are to meet Grumptastic. Or “expecting”. Or “having a bun in the oven”. Or “in the family way”. Or my personal favorite “in trouble” if you happen to be a teenage girl in the sixties.
Or I suppose I could just say you’re pregnant…but that would be so crass.
(God, its only tuesday, I’m so ready for the weekend already).
Grumptastic
“In trouble” would be accurate right now!
TCFKAG
:-) Lol.
cc
I like the term”we’re expecting” when talking about pregnancy because it makes it seem like there’s more than one outcome.
Yeah we’re expecting a baby.
But it could be a velociraptor.
AnonInfinity
I could get on board with a baby velociraptor. Once it gets out of the cute-baby stage, I could just keep it in my office to unleash on difficult opposing counsel?
Formerly P----- Angie
My daughter sometimes sounds like a velociraptor. If I record her screech I bet I could scare off predators with it.
Totes McGotes
2012 Christmas list: “Velociraptor whose only loyalty is to me.”
Amelia Bedelia
aaaaahahahahahahahahahaha.
pure. awesomeness.
biophys
person at the desk next to me is probably wondering why I’m laughing right now! That’s great!
MsZ
First time I’ve laughed out loud all day. Thanks, cc.
L
Too funny. Now my monitor has met my diet coke.
Totes McGotes
Definitely just LOLed.
cc
haha its an internet thing just so everyone knows I’m not sure where it is originally from :)
TCFKAG
I believe it was part of some comedian’s stand-up routine that made the rounds on FB and stuff recently. But it makes me lol every time. :-)
Mostly because I love velociraptor jokes because of xkcd.
Samantha
Or for the statistician in you:
A random variable with Expected value = 1 baby; but there’s a nonzero variance (could be 3.1425! could be velociraptor!).
Susan
The one that always made me scratch my head was: “she’s fallen pregnant.”
I suspect it comes from the viewpoint that it is a medical condition, with potential great discomfort and, sadly, sometimes, great risk to the woman’s health.
But having been a child of the 80’s in America, and having been inundated with lots of bad TV and infomercials, like, “I’ve fallen and can’t get up!” (some alarm/out-calling device for senior citizens)…. when I hear “fallen pregnant,” I think of the medical marvel of some 90-yr old, falling on her hardwood floors, unable to getup because she’s suddenly pregnant now.
Godzilla
OMG the velociraptor comment had me squirming not to laugh but “she’s fallen pregnant”? I literally had to duck under my desk and get my giggles out. Silently. Somehow.
Seattleite
I prefer “in pig,” myself.
Susan
LOL! Did you ever read Nancy Mitford’s novels _The Pursuit of Love_ and _Love in a Cold Climate_? That’s how the two female protagonists describe their respective conditions. It’s very earthy and funny.
Anonymous
Hee! My Ausie friends say “up the duff,” which I find both crass and charming.
CA Atty
Ditto on the weekend, but your posts are making me smile! Especially this one :-)
Susan
I hate it, because it makes me think of that ersatz spaghetti sauce brand – Prego.
“Preggers” doesn’t bug me, though.
phillygirlruns
cutesy terms for pregnancy bother me. “preggo,” “preggers,” and “baby bump” are the worst offenders – “baby bump” in particular. i don’t know what it is about it – it gives me a vague sense of women needed to couch everything in terms of attractiveness, even when it comes to childbearing. i’m not sure why i have this reaction, since it’s not like the term “bump” is particularly sexy, but still.
TCFKAG
I’m not bothered by the phrase “baby bump” in its raw form. I’m just bothered by the popularization of pregnancy in general. Mostly I blame FB. I really don’t need to see a monthly or bi-weekly picture of a girl I went to high school with’s “baby bump” or whatever.
Seriously people, I’m happy for you and all, but boundaries!
MsZ
DH and I received a Christmas card in which two out of the twelve small monthly pictures showed the wife’s bare belly. And in one of them the husband was also shirtless and they were embracing. While I am really happy that she is so comfortable in her body and they love some s*xy naked time, I’m not sure it’s Christmas card material!
TCFKAG
OMG…thats awkward family photo [dot]com material if i’ve ever heard it!
Nonny
Something along the lines of those super weird baby photos we were discussing yesterday.
phillygirlruns
oh, wow. that sounds amazing.
SC
I totally think it’s weird when people post these pictures! I’m also a little surprised when people post breast-feeding pictures to Facebook – while the pictures are beautiful, I just wouldn’t want people I don’t know that well (or not at all) to see them.
TechAnon
What I hate much more than “baby bump” is “food bump.” You know, to discuss a belly that protrudes but not from being pregnant.
Really? Isn’t every lump, bump and other part of my body essentially from food?
Ugh.
Kanye East
What about “food baby”?
Susan
Re: “food bump” and a related term “food baby”
I recall a post on here about someone who wasn’t happy with her wedding photos because she thought she looked pregnant in them. I believe the OP added that her stomach might have looked puffy because of a “food baby” not an “actual baby.” The OP using the term “food baby” made me laugh so hard, I couldn’t bring myself to dislike the term. +100000 LL points to that OP.
phillygirlruns
sure. unless it’s from a baby.
Totes McGotes
I’ve always heard that used to signify that the person has had a large meal and the belly protrudes even more than usual.
Susan
You know what word I’ve always found strange? “Pooch/pouch” being used to describe that pocket of fat that some of us have in that area between the bellybutton and crotch. I don’t particularly like it, but then I learned a much more offensive term for describing that: FUPA. Suddenly, “pooch/pouch” seemed way less annoying.
My problem is that “pooch” still makes me think of a dog.
My solution: I will go to the shelter and adopt a pooch which I will put in a pouch, that I can hold in front of me to hide my belly pooch. :-)
Godzilla
Hahahaahaha fupa. I love this thread.
law talking girl
I can’t believe nobody else has mentioned my unfavorite – heavily pregnant.
momentsofabsurdity
How much do you guys trust (if at all) the “calories burned” counters on exercise equipment?
I used an Arc Trainer at the gym yesterday and really enjoyed it but I’m not sure that the calories burned calculation was realistic. It told me I was burning 890 cal/hr, or 265 in the 20 minutes I was on the machine. This is in comparison to the Precor elliptical just prior (which *felt* like a harder workout!) and told me that I had burned 160 calories in the 20 minutes.
Are these calorie counters just plain bogus to begin with? Is the Arc Trainer really *that* much better of a workout?
Katja
There are articles out there about this — The bottom line is that they aren’t very reliable.
cbackson
Not at all. It’s slightly more realistic if it has you input information about your weight, age, gender, etc. But generally, you’re better off using a reputable website to estimate.
MissJackson
This. Or if you really really want to know, get a heart rate monitor with a chest strap that lets you input all of your own data (including your Max HR — most people use a formula 220-age, but it’s wrong more often than it’s right, especially if you are active as you age).
ks
My DH designs the electronics and software in this industry and he says they are junk.
anon
You can get a heart rate monitor that counts calories to get a more reasonable idea – it measures based on your weight and your heart rate over the course of your workout. Doesn’t run more than $50, and it can be great to see if your perceived exertion is really working you as hard as you think.
Anon
I use generally weight x .62 per mile as a very general ballpark figure. BUT, I know I burn far more calories when I’m running 7:oo pace then when I’m running 8:30 pace. That calculation doesn’t account for pace or hills.
I should get a heart rate monitor.
Heel Pain Sufferer :(
Sorry for the threadjack, but are there any plantar fasciitis sufferers out there? I’ve had a variety of foot injuries, but they seem to just get worse and worse. And the shoes I’m wearing to the office certainly aren’t helping, even if I’ve switched almost entirely to flats and low-height wedges. And the shoes out there for people with heel pain aren’t exactly cute. Has anyone found shoes with good heel cushioning and arch support for work? They ideally should be flats–a shortened achilles tendon is part of the problem. Thanks so much for the help!
cbackson
I have had PF from time to time, and getting out of heels will help, definitely. I keep a tennis ball in my office and roll it under my foot a few times a day – that also helps.
My favorite flats ever are from LL Bean – both their skimmers and their elasticized flats have fantastic cushioning and support.
TackyMum
My podiatrist says don’t wear flats – wear 1-2″ heels, changing the heel height every day. Using orthotic inserts in my running shoes and following his heel height instrux (along with a course of super-duper anti-inflammatory) has helped, a lot.
As far as finding cute shoes – I’ve given up.
anon
Check barkingdogshoes.com – look under “shoes for problem feet”. I’m pretty sure she did a whole post on shoes for people with plantar fasciitis.
TechAnon
I have chronic PF (over 25 years now) and Naot brand shoes work so well for me that I have given up wearing my medical orthotic shoe inserts. A lot of Naot stuff is truly fugly, but they have some basic pumps, plain boots, and even a few cute low heeled sandals. The quality of the leather and construction is top notch and they’ll wear for years.
Look them up on Zappos to see the whole line, then scroll past all the ones that look like Birkenstocks.
Anonymous
I had it for a while. I found this cool strap at a place online called “footsmart”. It’s this strap that pulls your toes back toward your shin when you are sitting down, and stretches out that tendon. Using it consistently at home for a week or two really helped. www (dot) footsmart(dot) com.
long time lurker
I have dealt with a relatively mild case of pf and what helps me is not flats but lowish (1-2 inch) heels and shoes with serious arch support. Also stretching my feet when I wake up and a couple times by pulling my toes upwards towards my legs.
JessC
Can anyone recommend a good, supportive sports bra for the large-of-bust? I’m a 38DD and have always been hesitant of getting into running as I’ve never found a sports bra that even remotely keeps the girls in check.
I’ve been doing WW for a while and am down 17 pounds so far (!!!!) – but now I want to start including exercise into my weight lose regiment. A friend of mine recently told me about a 5K called The Color Run that I would love to try and run (as opposed to just walk). But in order to seriously try running, I need to get a decent sports bra.
Anon For Bust Size
I’m a 34DD and love me some Wacoal.
Diana Barry
Try Title 9. They have lots of “no bounce” styles. :) Make sure you are wearing the right size band (not too big!).
SB
Under Armour actually makes a few good ones — I just make sure to do a “bounce” test before purchasing. I also will double up with a tighter workout top, too, if I’m going to be doing HIIT or going for fast run.
elz
I’m not huge, but I’ve found that Moving Comfort make the best running bras. I’m a half marathon runner and have never had any problems with their bras. Good luck.
The Color Run was seriously fun, as told to me by a friend that I’m now super jealous of!
b23
I second Moving Comfort (32DDD).
Circe
I third moving comfort (discovered when I was 36DD) I can’t google it right now (at work), but their one that hooks in the back and looks like a relatively high cut tank in front is the best best one. The others with cute straps or whatever don’t quite get as good reviews.
Jazzy
Again for Moving Comfort! I reccomend that same high cut bra with wide straps and a full back (prob the same as reccommended by Circe). Im anywhere from 34DD to 32F depending on the brand and theres little to no movement from my chest when I run. Definitely the BEST that Ive found.
eek
Moving Comfort. I’ve used the styles with and without underwire. The only bad thing I can say is my current one shows n*pple, even though it’s lined. WTF? It’s embarrassing and I’m going to replace it for the summer, unless I wear it to the Corporette slut walk.
Anon Canadian
I’m currently a 34GG and I love Shock Absorber and Freya sports bras. They really keep the girls in check, no bounce at all. I think what helps though is being professionally fitted, and not at a department store or Victoria’s Secret. You have to go to a bra boutique.
AnotherLadyLawyer
Ditto Freya. Mine is like nothing I had ever encountered before. And ditto the professionally fitted advice!
Bailey
I second the suggestion for Title 9 (I especially like reading the reviews, after sorting by size). I also like the Champion Powerback Underwire sports bra, which is a bit cheaper than the Title 9 offerings tend to be. If you go with Champion, don’t bother with anything less than “Maximum Support”.
I’m a 36D-DD, and between Champion and Title 9, can now run without doubling up on sports bras.
MissJackson
Champion has a few good options. I personally get the best support from a bra that has an underwire and is not a “racerback” style (bummer because I think the racerback style is cute, but I’d rather be less cute and no bounce). I’m a 34D. Agree with Bailey to not bother with anything less than “maximum support.”
I’ve also heard great things about Enell, but have no personal experience.
anon
Thirded for Title 9. They have a huge selection with specific support ratings for each bra, and haven’t steered me wrong (just a 34D, but still).
Pest
Get the Enell. No offense to the other ladies who made recommendations here, but once you try the Enell you will think all other sports bras are cr*p.
Sincerely,
Avid Runner Size 36F
Jenn
32E – I like Moving Comfort and Lululemon’s ta-ta tamer, despite the ridiculous name.
Anon
32DD, run 5 x a week and my favorite bras are Natori. They have extra support on the side that reduces bounce and side/figure 8 movement.
I’ve not had good experiences with Moving Comfort. I have heard good things about Enell, but never tried.
Magdeline
Beauty threadjack:
1. Any blush and eyeshadow recommendations for medium-dark brown hair/very fair, cool-toned skin/blue eyes?
After years of dark blonde, highlighted hair, I have gone back to my roots. I like how it makes my eyes stand out, but it makes my skin look even cooler toned. My normal peachy blushes look off. I tried pink today, and I feel like it makes me look extremely young (I don’t want to look old, but I would like to look like the grown-up attorney that I will be in a few months.) Also, I’ve been hating my normal brown toned eyeshadow… I’ve been wearing black mascara + non-shimmery champagne eyeshadow, which looks nice, just super-young.
2. Any tips for making eyes feel more awake in the morning? I often have mild puffiness that dissipates by the afternoon. I’ve used the Garnier anti-puff eye roller and a frozen spoon; I’m not too impressed by either one. Will the Origins Ginzing (or whatever is called) help? Any other tips?
Magdeline
*brown eyeshadow, not brown toned. I had been loving taupe-y browns, but not so much now.
Can't wait to quit
Upgrade to the Clinique all about eyes depuffing moisturizer a little goes a long way and it really works. Also, try their eyeshadow duo in “double date” – it’s a very “cool” brown paired with a pale silvery shade – and has a cool tone that my look good on you. (It looked bad on me with reddish brown hair and naturally pink cheeks, so might work for you)
Kanye East
With that coloring, you can always pull off purples, grays, and browns when it comes to eyeshadow. For blush, try something closer to rosy pink than peach.
MsZ
Second purples. I did the same move as you – gave up dying blond and went brunette, with cool-toned fair skin and blue eyes – and I have embraced the purples. They make my eyes op and warm up my complexion. (It may also be that all of Kat’s purple posts have invaded my subconscious.)
zora
agree, but they don’t have to be super purpley-purple. A nice subtle plum will look close to neutral, but make your eyes pop.
AIMS
Ooh, I was considering posting a recommendation so good timing!
I have been on a quest for an eyeshadow that was totally matte, didn’t look too much like obvious eye shadow but made my (brown) eyes look better than they do sans shadow and I have finally found “the one” — Lancome “Waif” matte in a little round individual container. It’s the perfect neutral for me — fantastic staying powder, no creases, no shimmer (I generally don’t like shimmer for work on me), and it’s just dark enough to make my eyes pop but not so dark that I get the totally “smoky eye” thing happening. Anyway I love it. For the record, I have dark brown hair and relatively fair skin so, OP, this one may work for you.
For blush for work, I generally just do the benefit benetint which perks me up but is subtle. But I don’t love it so much that I am not always trying to find something I love even more.
And definitely recommend the ginzing from Origins. If you go to their store/counter, they’re usually pretty great at giving you a good size sample to take home so you can test it out over a few days to see if it works for you.
Magdeline
I need to look into this eye shadow; it sounds perfect. Thanks!!
Frump
Do you use mascara? I feel I don’t look as awake without it. If I wear nothing else on a given day along with my base of foundation and blush, I will wear mascara. Even over lip gloss.
I think a really simple way to make your eye look a little brighter is to use a little bit of a white/light/goldy/pearly shimmery shadow thinly swept over the eyelid. Then, add mascara. I do this on work days when I don’t want to layer my usual 3-4 colors and I am always surprised at how effective it is at brightening up my face a bit.
Kanye East
You can also dot a little white/silver/gold on the inside corner of your eyelid. It seems to work best with a semi-sheer cream eyeshadow (NARS has good ones).
January
I have similar coloring to yours. I alternate between a shimmery champagne eyeshadow and a silvery lavender from Clinique (Plum Potion, I think), and I usually wear a dark purple eyeliner. For blush, you might try deeper pinks/reds or a more mocha color, which kind of counteracts your skin’s natural pinkness. Stay away from peach, it clashes. :)
me
I have the same coloring as you. I find that with cool-toned skin, bronzers and any blush with warm tones are really hard to pull off. I like to really concentrate on my eyes and lips and do minimal cheek coloring. For eyes, I’m all about black liner, good mascara and nude eyeshadows. I like a deep rose lip, or red for dressed up occasions.
It’s more of an “old hollywood” look (as my friend the makeup artist calls it) than the recently-current bronzed goddess look, but I think the old hollywood look is more current anyway.
For puffy eyes, look for a “day” eye cream that has anti-puffing ingredients, or use my grandmother’s trick. Soak two Lipton tea bags in ice water, squeeze them out, and lie back down with them on your eyes.
Magdeline
Ooh, this look sounds very Alicia Florrick. I need to get my hands on some good rose and red lipsticks. Thanks!
me
Yes! Alicia Florrick does this look. I just google-imaged “old hollywood makeup” and you’ll see lots of examples of exactly what I mean.
Always a NYer
I have similar coloring to yours, just hazel green eyes instead of blue. My go-to eyeshadows are MAC Girlie (light pink and very flattering) or Laura Mercier Caviar (greyish-brown). MAC blushes are amazing, I like Pink Swoon (bright pink but goes on sheer) and Blushbaby (more of a pinky-brown and much more subtle). As for looking more awake in the morning, I like the Almay concealer, it comes in a squeezy tube and blends well with my skin. I also line my lower waterline with eyeliner.
Sconnie
I have similar coloring to you – very fair, cool toned skin and medium-dark brown non-dyed hair. Only difference is I have green eyes. In addition to the following, I pretty much always wear some sort of eyeliner and mascara to work, otherwise I wash out and look very young on account of the fair skin and dark hair combo (and having “full” cheeks).
Favorite eyeshadows:
– Stila, Poise (smoky purple/gray/brown color w/out shimmer – dark color but doesn’t go on very dark)
– Clinique, Rum Spice (shimmery coppery brown – goes on pretty dark, use sparingly)
Favorite blushes:
– Clinique, Aglow (neutral, peachy pink tan color) I wear this allover the cheek
– Lorac, Desire (looks HOT pink in the case, goes on very sheer but is a bright pink) I only wear this on the apples
– Nars, The Multiple (cream stick blush), in South Beach (tan/pinky pronze) and Portofino (pink/coral) I only wear South Beach on the cheek bone, and Portofino on the apples.
Magdeline
Thank you so much for all the great ideas! I feel a giant Sephora order coming on…
I will keep checking back today, so if anyone else has any more tips/favorite products, I would love to hear them
Kanye East
Gossip Girl watchers:
Dan Humphrey’s hair looks like Jerry Seinfeld’s circa 1991.
Discuss.
Bunkster
I didn’t even register the hair because I find him so annoying. The Dan/Blair storyline completely turns me off. On the other hand, Chivy the Heiress and the Homeless Van der Woodsens rock!
Kanye East
True conversation that really happened:
Me: Dan and Blair together is so nasty.
Him: Why do you say that.
Me: They’re both so condescending and nasty and judgmental and immature.
Him: You do know this is Gossip Girl, right?
TCFKAG
I must admit, I don’t watch that show. I only see the commercials during Heart of Dixie. So last night I was wondering…when did that Blair girl start dating that guy with the awful hair, I thought she was with the guy with the other awful hair who dresses like a hipster with too much money.
Kanye East
It’s the stupidest show ever. I started watching last season because Richard Lawson’s recaps on Gawker were P.I.M.P. funny. Sadly, he stopped writing them, and now I’m still watching this turrible show.
But it’s also comedy gold. Unintentional comedy gold.
Ellen
I do NOT like Humphrey. How could BLAIR kiss that guy KNOWEING who he has KISSED BEFORE? FOOOEY!!!!!!
Anonymous
You do know that Blair’s been with Chuck, and they’ve more than kissed… Think about how many people Chuck’s been with. New perspective, huh?
Kanye East
And Blair kissed that English aristocrat who was schtupping his stepmother, so by proxy…
Ellen
I would NEVER let Humphrey schtuppe me. FOOEY on that! Mabye the father, but not for alot of years!
And even Chuck Bass! He too has been with way to many women for me. I would NOT let that near my body! FOOEY on that to!
I think the ONLY one that is worthy is the younger brother of Serena, and he is GAY, and I would NOT want that either! FOOEY!
Always a NYer
Dan’s hair has always been awful, something Chuck and Blair constantly remind him of. That said, he is a Brooklynite ;)
Kanye East
Right, Dan has always been so authentic Brooklyn. Which is why the writers have taken such a tell-don’t-show approach with that whole Ich bin ein Brooklyner thing.
No but for real, he totally has a Seinfeld mullet.
Anonymous NYer
His hair bothers me so much it’s not even funny. It’s receding in the part area, or at least looks like that because of the awful part, and it’s so long it looks extra dirty and horrendous. My feelings of hatred towards a fictional character’s hair are scaring me a little, but I’m glad other people feel this too.
Also, I’ve been watching the show since the beginning, and I’m slowly hating it more and more with each episode, but for some reason I cannot stop. It’s just getting weird and incestuous within that group of friends/step-siblings/ex-es now.
Still, can’t wait to get home and watch last night’s ep that I DVR’d.
Newly nail-obsessed
Just have to share – my pre-ordered Hunger Games nail polishes have been shipped! I am unreasonably excited. :)
PSA / BCP Recall
Another bcp recall — http://www.fda.gov/Safety/Recalls/ucm293347.htm
Quoting Gothamist: “Drugmaker Glenmark Generics has issued a recall of some of its birth control pills “because of a packaging error, where select blisters were rotated 180 degrees within the card, reversing the weekly tablet orientation and making the lot number and expiry date visible only on the outer pouch.”
AIMS
Well, at this rate, if they keep recalling all these different pills, my mother’s dreams of becoming a grandma may finally come true!
TCFKAG
You know what they’ll never recall AIMS. Aspirin between your legs.
Completely straight face.
TechAnon
No need for aspirin; just use a quarter. My mother says it won’t work unless you squeeze hard enough to see Washington’s face on the side of your knee.
Gail the Goldfish
What do you do with tie blouses like this? I have two, because I like the way they look in theory, but for some reason when I tie them, they never seem to look right. Suggestions?
Anonymous
Which colors did you get?
NOLA
I always think they make me look matronly – my grandma circa 1970.
Bonnie
I always think they make me look matronly – my grandma circa 1970.
For BlueJay
I was wondering if you would mind sharing the name of your cleaning company (I can share my email address with you). If I remember correctly you’re in the DC area. Thanks!! L
Morning Sickness = gone!
My CEO (we are a small consulting company) will be in town in a few weeks, and I’m planning to talk to him about my key job frustrations, all of which seem to share one common theme: a lack of communication between people at higher levels of our company. These communication issues are preventing me from doing my best work and are having a larger snowball effect internally. I won’t go into specifics on the thread, but needless to say, I am very disappointed with my company’s leadership, and I’m not sure what I can/should do or not do about it. The CEO is always asking me to be on the lookout for ways in which we can improve, but how can I convey this information without making him feel attacked?
cc
Just fyi, I have skipped a few posts of your because I thought it was about pregnancy and I have nothing to add to that discussion, you may want to change your handle to a different one if its not on topic.
Susan
It might help to frame it in a way like:
“I’ve noticed this [issue]. Since you’ve been a champion of looking for ways to make the company better, I was wondering if you could take a look at this issue. I think your leadership will be very key to our fixing this issue and setting the right sort of example.”
So the CEO feels like he’s part of the solution and is empowered (and encouraged) to help, rather than being blamed.
Totes McGotes
I think “champion” could sounds a little mocking if he’s in a state to hear it that way, but otherwise I think this is the right way to go.
NOLA
@TCFKAG – I get in to Boston on Sunday afternoon and will be on my own for most of the day, although I think there’s some kind of conference-related even in the evening. Staying at the Millennium near Faneuil Hall. Any must dos? I know about the Marketplace and love wandering the North End (and we have reservations there for dinner on Tuesday) but wasn’t sure what would be open on Sundays. I haven’t been to Boston since 2004 or so. Thanks!
TCFKAG
On Sundays some of the areas right around Faneuil (the Financial district and the like) are pretty dead). But its a short hop skip and a jump to more happening places.
Let’s see, if the weather is nice and I had a few hours to kill, I’d probably walk from Fanueil Hall over to the Commons and through the Public Gardens to see the Swan Boats and such. And then walk up Newbury Street to window shop and perhaps have lunch at either the Met Bar or Stephanie’s on Newbury. Then I might hop on a train and head over to the North End, get an afternoon cannoli, and then perhaps walk across the bridge over to Charlestown and meander up to Bunker Hill if you would like to see a different neighborhood that has been on the up and coming list for awhile.
If its cold I would do the following. In the morning I would cab it or take public transit to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum. When you get there, put your name in at the restaurant there (trust me on this) and they will give you a beeper — usually the line will last you until a reasonable lunch/brunch time. Tour around the awesome museum/indoor garden. Then eat there — seriously, its delicious. Then if you want more art you could head over the the Museum of Fine Arts. Otherwise, from there, you’d be on the same side of the city as the Pru (short cab ride or I think bus would be your best public transit option) — which is basically two giant malls linked together with everything from Prada to Forever 21. If you want a mid afternoon dessert, there is a Max Brenner on Boylston across from the Mall and it is awesome.
Third option (again more if the weather was good): You could check out some of the new stuff going on over on the Waterfront (which is relatively close to your hotel). There are some great restaurants to get lunch down there as we as the Museum of Contemporary Art and some beautiful views of the water. But frankly, I think that area is more fun if you’re just going out for dinner or something or in the summer.
Okay — those are my tips. Maybe other people would have better ideas. :-) Have fun!
NOLA
Thanks! I’m not going to have nearly enough time to do all of this. I don’t get there until Sunday afternoon and that afternoon/maybe evening, and Monday evening are the only free time I’ll have. I figured I was on the wrong end of town for shopping. I’ve been to the museums and loved them. Oh well. I’ll wander that direction on Sunday when I get there. I hope it’s not too cold. I’m a wimp!
TCFKAG
Ah, I misunderstood your time horizons. :-) If I only had an Sunday afternoon/evening open, I’d just hop a cab or public transit (green line) to Newbury Street and walk around and then head up towards the Pru/Back Bay for dinner, its all pretty condensed so you should be able to walk it.
If its really cold, well, the Pru is huge. You can spend hours inside there.
LC
FWIW, I was just walking around the Public Garden yesterday, and the swan pond is just a giant mud pit. Not its prettiest time of year.
NOLA
Yeah I’ve been there in February before and it wasn’t pretty. It was so cold I almost died. But that was closer to mid-February. How did I get so wimpy? I grew up in the great white north!
Moms
Question for the hive–
I used to have a really good relationship with my mom but ever since I graduated college and am “all grown up” she’s constantly giving me the guilt trip for enjoying life and almost being happy. My parents were divored when I wa very young and she’s been in an unstable relationship for 10+ years now. I go home for dinner to eat with her 4/7 days a week and I even cancel plans sometimes just because I don’t want her to feel lonely. I really only get to see my SO on the weekends and even then she makes me feel guilty for not including her in our plans (like having breakfast at a diner). I just want some alone time and she tells me that I shouldn’t trust men and be so niec to my SO since all men are the same. I’ve been with him for 5 years now and she likes him too. I just feel like maybe she’s jealous and thinks that I’m placing him over her, which is not true at all. Even my SO makes arrangements so we can stay home and hangout with my mom. I really want to move out but again I feel guilty. My older brother moved out and pretty much just comes back once in a while. This means that my mom has placed all hope on me and I feel guilty for wanting some independence. She’s already saying how if/when I get a house with SO that she will be included. Yes, I had that in mind further down the road but right now, I want to be able to live by myself or with SO just once. Is it so wrong?
30
That is definitely not “wrong.” But you’re going to have to put your foot down eventually, e.g. “Mom, Joe and I are buying a house–for us” or “I’m moving out. I know you don’t like it, but it’s what I need to do.” She will get mad, but you are allowed to be an independent adult. Remember, she can only interfere as much as you let her.
30
P.S. Your SO sounds like a keeper.
Susan
P.P.S. Your brother has good survival instincts. Some drowning people don’t want to be saved. They just want to pull you under to drown with them because they’re that fracking miserable. Don’t let them.
She has a choice– she could choose to get more out of her life. But she’s decided to be a miserable person and try to make you miserable, too, which I have to say, is a really sh*tty thing to do as a parent. Draw your boundaries and that might make things better, or, at least, contain her unpleasantness.
CA lawyer
Moving out and establishing your own happy life is normal and healthy. Your mom should want that for you.
CA Atty
Whoa, please look at yesterday’s thread on setting boundaries. That OP also had issues with her mom crossing the line and that wasn’t quite as bad as what you’re describing here.
You mom is WAY over the line and you HAVE to set some boundaries or else she will continue to walk on you for your entire life. Her bad life choices (the unstable relationship for 10+ years) are not your responsibility. You actually have a bigger obligation to her to live your life and be independent and make your family with what sounds like a wonderful SO than to dance at her whims and suffer her guilt trips.
I would absolutely advise seeking some therapy/talk to someone on boundary setting and untying the apron strings. I would encourage your mom to do the same! She needs to live her life and allow her adult children to live theirs, and be happy for their successes and happiness, she should not be trying to destroy your happiness.
Nonny
Just want to report on my chambray shirt quest.
After looking around and being disappointed with the dismal offerings at the usual suspects (Levi’s, you were so promising, but how can an actual jeans store *not* carry chambray shirts?), I got sucked into BR with a 50% off card, and bought this:
http://bananarepublic.gapcanada.ca/browse/product.do?cid=5039&vid=1&pid=904788
Not technically a chambray shirt, but I love the colour on me (a true indigo) and the shirt will fill the applicable hole in my closet. I sized up for a more casual fit. Wore the shirt over the weekend and absolutely love it. Trying to figure out ways to wear it to work (which, sadly, is unlikely to happen given that, fingers crossed, I’m moving to a more formal city soon).
Also found a navy-blue-and-white striped jersey-ish blazer that I can’t seem to find on the website but that I encourage you all to go check out in their stores. It is super comfortable – feels like wearing a sweater but has the structure and class of a blazer. I think it will be really useful as a casual jacket once the weather warms up a bit.