Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Tweed Boyfriend Blazer

359 Comments

1. Got a totally unexpected 10% raise this morning. I was expecting a 2% increase, so this is a real surprise.

   1. Awesome!

   2. Amazing news!! That’s wonderful – make sure to increase your 401k/retirement contributions for the new year – future you will thank you! :)

   3. That’s awesome!

   4. Way to go!

   5. Congrats!

   6. What a great start to the thread and the day! Congratulations — I’m sure it was very well-deserved.

   7. Woot woot! Well done you!

   8. Congratulations!!

   9. Congratulations!!

2. Are we going to start seeing short skirt / long jacket combinations again soon? I keep thinking re this jacket: if I could dip it in yellow RIT, it would be very Clueless with the right skirt.

   1. And now I have that Cake song in my head …

      1. And a looooong, looooong… jacket

      2. as long as his you know what isn’t crooked.

      3. Same

   2. This is a 90’s throwback I could get behind. Very nostalgic. I mean, I would never wear it myself as a boring 36-year-old lawyer, but if I saw some 20 year old fashion industry intern wearing it, I would smile.

3. Long story short, I think I’m depressed. I had to switch therapists fairly recently and I was talking to one yesterday, and was talking about how I feel so tired, it takes so much energy to do things . . and realized that the amount of time I’ve been spending sleeping or “resting” or scrolling through tiktok on my phone in bed is what people mean with “can’t get out of bed depression”. I’m still like doing work (WFH) and meeting friends (but have definitely been less social than normal) but haven’t made it to the gym for a while and do really feel down. I’m on meds that worked great but are maybe not working as well now.
   I’ll talk to the psychiatrist I guess but I don’t really want to be on heavier meds. I do want to feel better. My work is completely flexible about whether I go in or not but I think I should have a routine of going in. I’m thinking of signing up for some exercise classes so I have to go. Having a routine and doing things helps me but its so hard to feel motivated to do so – therefore things that would force me to have a routine. Any other suggestions?

   1. I’ve been where you are. Having a routine helps, especially quickly showering, making coffee, simplifying my morning as much as possible. Can you pick out clothes the night before for going into the office or working out? Also, meds for a short while could be the answer.

   2. Going into the office has done wonders for me. I still work at home a couple of days a week, but spending the majority of time at work has helped my mental state so much. It’s just getting out of the house and into a different part of my city and being forced to get dressed and engage with the world that makes a difference.

   3. Do you have a coworker who could be your “accountability buddy” for days that you’re going to go to the office?

      I’ve been there too and I know how hard it is to take that first step. Everything after that is easier, though. Sending you love and motivation.

      1. This is a good idea. There used to be a coworker I worked with closely who would go in regularly and I would want to go in the days he’d be there. But he has left the company. Maybe I’ll at least ask when others are going to be in so its incentive to go in. Otherwise there’s a chance that the office will be pretty empty.

   4. I’m slowly realizing that I might be where you’re at. I’m doing the things (minus working out) but I can tell that something is off. YMMV, but getting back into a regular workout routine is important. Not a total fix, but it does help with the brain gremlins. I WFH only one day a week because I noticed that full-time WFH was not helping my mental health issues. If you can muster it, a return to the office might be something to try. And therapy.

   5. Could be hormonal, so check bloodwork (if you don’t have good insurance, there’s often a gr0upon for self-ordering labs). Doesn’t mean heavier meds, maybe just an adjustment, so don’t panic on that. Also, take a look at your eating habits. I know I get like this if I don’t eat enough or am living on junk (no fuel means no energy means blah). I also get like this if I’m being too strict with healthy eating that I don’t enjoy (no joy in food means blah to the experience). Sometimes adjusting that so that the experience is feeding your body or your spirit can help.

      Also, though you may not absorb it, I want you to hear that you are doing awesome. Recognizing when something isn’t working and then making efforts to change things so they begin to work is bad@$$. Please be gentle with yourself in the process.

      1. +1. My PCP ordered labs for vitamin D deficiency when I told her my anxiety had gotten so much worse. (Note to self: please actually get the dang blood draw.)

         1. Yep my oncologist wants my vitamin D level at 71 and I just cannot get there w/o help. Since I’ve had melanoma, sunshine is out so now I’m going on prescription vitamin D.

         2. I think some docs test for iron as well as vit D.

            1. I imagine they do. Iron’s already in my quarterly post-chemo blood work, so she didn’t have to order it specially.

   6. When you talk to your psychiatrist, consider asking about a low dose of Wellbutrin. It’s not a traditional antidepressant, and gives more of an energy-boost that can help with the low energy/low motivation feeling. Personally, I found it effective for the kind of symptoms you’re describing. I find that medication helps me get over the hump and start the positive habits like exercise routines, and then I can stop the meds and continue on with the helpful habits once I am really settled into them. Caveat: I am not a medical professional; just sharing personal experience.

   7. The other way, I would kind of lean into the depression for a little bit and not put more pressure on yourself. A big part of the impact of depression is the shame you feel about it, and if you can remove the burden of that shame, I think it will lift faster than trying to push through it. Tell yourself you are hibernating for a little bit. All animals go through season of rest.

   8. So, full-time WFH doesn’t work for everyone, it did not work well for my husband and he got substantially depressed after about a year. He is back on a hybrid schedule and his mental health is much better. I love WFH but also recognized that spending days on end in the house wasn’t helping me feel good, so I do have a regular gym routine, I try to get out and walk when the weather is good, and when I do have an in-person meeting (every other week at this point) I spend the whole day in the office so I get the interaction with others and spend time out of the house. It’s helped a lot.

      I have been WFH since March of 2020 and I do have a daily routine, in that I get up at the same time every day, get dressed, wash my face/brush my teeth/comb my hair, and sit down at the table to eat breakfast before logging on to work. I try to eat lunch on a regular schedule away from my WFH desk. I try to get some outside time every day, even though the weather hasn’t been great the last few weeks. And I log off at the same time every day unless there’s really an urgent need to stay on. Without that structure, I think I would struggle because there’d be too much “bleeding” of my work life into my not-work life.

      Two other things that might help. I don’t live in a particularly dark/dreary part of the country but I got a SAD lamp and sit in front of for about 15 minutes a day, and it really helped. I didn’t think I needed one, but bottom line, it’s cold where I am, even when it’s sunny, and sitting outside isn’t a pleasant experience. Sitting in front of it first thing in the morning seems to energize me and get me going for the day, even more so than caffeine (which can cause up-down crash cycles – same with sugar – so be cautious about consuming too much of either). Second thing, get your Vitamin D levels tested. Many of us are deficient, and that can cause mood regulation problems as well as other health problems. You could also talk to your doctor about melatonin, if you’re having interrupted or irregular sleep cycles – you might be in bed a large number of hours a day, but if you aren’t getting quality REM sleep, that has a disregulating effect on your biorhythm and emotional state.

      Good luck and I hope you start feeling better.

      1. +1

         The simplest thing you can do is get the Happy Light. It is very common to have depression worsen this time of year. Just have your morning coffee/breakfast with the Happy Light, or keep it by your desk when you work from home.

         Love the exercise idea too.

   9. Can you push yourself to go to the gym? Put your favorite peppy song on your phone with earbuds and do the eliptical or stepper for 15 20 minutes. I always feel better after.

4. I want to travel more in 2023. What are your favorite travel resources – websites/apps/etc. for travel deals, trip inspiration, hotel inspiration, fun experience ideas? I’m pretty flexible on timing and destination, I don’t have kids, I like lots of things (art, outdoorsy things, interesting cities) and my budget is mid-range (willing to spend money but not extravagant level money). I just need some inspiration! TIA!

   1. I use:
      * Google Flights to track flight prices or get inspiration via the “Explore” option
      * For flight deals I follow Secret Flying and The Flight Deal
      * I get the Travelzoo emails and each week in the Top 20 they have a variety of deals, from entire packages, to flights to hotels to entertainment
      * I also follow The Points Guy for reviews and other info
      * And TripAdvisor is a requirement before I book a hotel/resort. And then after I take a trip, I post TripAdvisor reviews as well.

      1. The tripadvisor forums are also very helpful for planning once you know where you want to go or have narrowed it down to a couple of options and are trying to decide.

   2. I get inspiration from everywhere – friends, influencer, popular media (Sicily was added to my list after White Lotus, for example). My problem is that I have too many places I want to go.
      We usually have fairly rigid travel dates due to my husband’s academic calendar and I am loyal to one airline alliance for status reasons, so I don’t really scour for cheap flights. The upside of this is that most airline status programs are now based on spend, so spending more helps you reach higher status levels faster.
      I always use TripAdvisor to vet hotels/resorts. Ratings on that site skew high, so anything with less than a 4.5 star average is pretty much out unless there’s a very compelling reason I would need to stay there.

   3. Pre Covid, my husband and I got a lot of ideas from NYT 52 places to travel. I think they stopped the last few years, but they would highlight the reason to visit the city. This got us to visit Croatia in 2017 and Azores in 2019.

   4. If you’re flexible on dates, sign up for Scott’s Cheap Flights. I have the free version and I’ve gotten so many great flight deals. My tiny airport to Switzerland for <$400, NYC to Mallorca nonstop $500, my tiny airport to Belize $350. My strategy is to book a deal flight as soon as it comes in, then take the next 24 hours to do more research and confirm I actually can make it work. By law you have 24 hours to cancel for a full refund with no penalty, so I use that to my advantage (though I don't think I've ever actually canceled, haha).

      My real tip for friends who want to "travel more" is to just book shorter, cheaper trips and not try to plan the ~perfect~ vacation. I never had any interest in Switzerland until the cheap flight came in and then four weeks later I was in Switzerland. Had I planned farther in advance and tried to make it the once-in-a-lifetime vacation I would have waited until summer, booked hotels instead of Airbnbs, eaten out instead of cooking at the apartment and spent an absolute fortune. Instead, since I didn't spend as much money on that trip, I also went on several other vacations that year.

5. Is anyone else’s motivation for work zero this time of year? I just want to postpone everything until next year aka in 2 weeks

   1. Yes. Come sit by me.

      1. Sorry, I’m already sitting there. But maybe we can squeeze in a third.

   2. Yep. Work is closed 12/22-1/2 and I was on vacation last week so…yeah. Basically nothing getting done on the three days I’m working this week.

   3. 100%. It isn’t helping that more htan half my office is gone. I’m making sure I’m up to date on all the administrative stuff I normally slack on, so maybe get in some trainings, make sure your expenses are all paid, book your vacation time for 2023?

      1. I honestly can’t do most of the things I am motivated to do right now (and it’s not much) because people I need to talk to are gone until Jan. 2. I’m catching up on podcasts and may watch a movie later, lol.

   4. Sameeeee

   5. I have Covid (but seems quite mild thus far, fingers crossed) and I’m snoozing emails until the new year. Those peer reviews, mandatory data protection training, and annoying UGs are a 2023 problem. I’m going to get my course for January set up and my expenses submitted, and then calling it.

      Kiddo and I had grand plans for my birthday on Thursday but alas…

      1. I’m sorry about the COVID, hope you test negative soon!
         I did the mandatory trainings yesterday because they are something I have to do but require less brain power than actual work

      2. Ooh expenses sound exactly my speed today.

         Hope it stays mild, doesn’t spread, and you feel better soon!

   6. Yep. And December used to be a slower time so I could get away with it. That is no longer the case; it seems we no longer have a slow season.

   7. My sister texted me that she was half-assing it today at work (from home) and feeling a little guilty. I pointed out that if she were in the office, she wouldn’t be getting work done anyway. It would be holiday parties and someone has cookies in the kitchen. I say postpone away!

   8. Yes. I’m a government attorney and everyone else’s work load has slowed down but mine and I am irrationally grumpy about that. I am full speed ahead all the way through December. I’m not feeling it.

      1. Fellow government attorney, and you are not alone on workload or grumpiness.

6. Hello hive, I need to step up my make-up game. Favorite eye liner for top lid that is easy to put on , easy on sensitive eyes, & does not need to be sharpened. TIA.

   1. Laura Mercier caviar sticks for soft lines, L’Oréal felt tip pen for cat eye liner.

   2. NYX eyeshadow crayons.

   3. Kat Von D tattoo waterproof liner. Easy to put on, doesn’t bother my eyes, lasts all day with no smudging or transfer

      1. Isn’t she an antivaxxer (of the vaccines-cause-autism ilk)? I wish she weren’t, I keep hearing nice things about the liner.

         1. She is, but she sold the brand and is in no way affiliated with it anymore. The brand is actually just called KVD now.

   4. I use eyeshadow sticks for subtle-smudgy liner. Bobbi Brown or Laura Mercier caviar sticks.

   5. Bobbi Brown longwear waterproof liner is the easiest I’ve found to apply and is a twist-up. I don’t have especially sensitive eyes so can’t speak to that.

      1. + there’s a deep brown that is my HG

   6. Clinique Quickliner all the way. I have incredibly sensitive eyes/eyelids, and it’s the clear winner.

      1. +1 Clinique is the best for sensitive eyes although I prefer their cream liner which has to be sharpened.

      2. +1
         I recently got a sample of this and have been loving it. Easy/soft enough to apply, doesn’t need to be sharpened (FWIW I have sensitive eyes too).

         1. Back again to say thank you for the great tips! Appreciate them all!

      3. Clinique isn’t cruelty free, if that matters.

   7. Physicians Formula Eye Booster!

7. Fellow lawyers and especially former BigLaw associates, I’m at the time in my career where my fellow associates from BigLaw are making partner now, and I didn’t go that route. I’m at a government agency and very happy there, but I’m still feeling pangs of jealousy and wondering what might have been when I see that my old friends and colleagues are making partner. Any advice for moving through these feelings?

   1. Feel them over drinks and dinner you can have at a normal hour? Or on the weekend? The price of partnership was way more than I was willing to pay.

      1. This! I have a friend that left entirely and doesn’t have any regrets!! As long as you can pay your bills and enjoy your life don’t look back!

      2. Or on a vacation that’s actually a vacation! I still remember my first post-Big Law vacation. I went to Thailand for two weeks and didn’t check email once. It was bliss.

   2. Are you able to identify why you’re jealous? Biglaw has a lot of negatives as you know and it might help to remind yourself of the positives of your current job and the negatives of your old job. The grass is always greener! I fantasize sometimes about how wonderful my life would be in house :)

   3. Are you actually in touch with these people or is it all via social media? My bestie is a big law partner and chatting with her makes me quite glad I didn’t go that route. I’m super happy for her, but it’s not for me.

      1. +1 big law is a huge “good for you, not for me.” I miss the work and my colleagues, but there’s good reason I left.

   4. I think it’s normal to think about what could have been, the lives we chose not to take. But I always remind myself that I chose my path for a reason. Biglaw was a chapter in my life, not the full story. Yes, it had its positives – the salary mainly lol – but there is so much more to life than money and I have more time to enjoy it now that I work a reasonable job.

   5. Depending on the agency, the door to BigLaw partnership may still be open to you – and your path to get there may end up being a lot less painful than that for those who stuck it out as associates for 8+ years.

      1. +1. I’m a former AUSA and many of my colleagues exited to biglaw as counsel or partner. I ended up going in house and am super happy, but it was nice to know it was a potential option for me and I did (briefly) consider pursuing it.

   6. As someone elected to partnership just this month, there is a lot of pain that you may not see. I had to cut my mat leave short and came back at 6 weeks post partum to bill 200 hours a month. I lose count of the number of vacations where I work in the hotel the whole time. My kids are used to me never being there…. It’s a tradeoff that I have decided to be worth it but definitely not for everyone…

      1. Why did you have to cut your mat leave short? I’ve heard a lot of biglaw horror stories but that is a new one!

   7. I’m at the beginning of this phenomenon now. I’m feeling a bit of wonder and amazement at the colleagues who reached that level, but not jealousy. Sit with the feelings you had in Biglaw that led you to leave that practice environment. Imagine how much more stress and self-doubt you would have experienced, not to mention the hours upon hours of work. You only get one life to live, and I am so very happy to have chosen happiness and time with friends and family over the prestige and money of continuing in Biglaw.

      And at the same time I’m amazed and happy for my law school friends who have made partner in Biglaw. We have different strengths and preferences. Good for them, not for me!

   8. I am glad that I clerked for a big law firm during law school. When I feel less sucessful, I remember what a sad place that was.

   9. What are you jealous of?
      -Prestige? (No one other than other Biglaw attorneys GAF.)
      -Money? (Fair, but the income of a newbie income partner isn’t sky high, while workload expands considerably)
      -Just general ‘road not taken’ wondering? Enjoy your evenings, weekends, and vacations where you aren’t on your laptop at the pool.

   10. I’m a senior associate in BigLaw, and am being told that they’re putting me up for partner in May 2023 and that all factors look good (obviously no guarantee). But. I’m so miserable that I very well might leave before then, even if to go as counsel to another firm. I’ve been here this long because I like the work, but for the last 6 months, and the next 6 months (ongoing litigation case), I will have no personal life. Plus work drama and office politics. So many difficult personalities to deal with.

       The grass is most definitely not always greener. Try to focus on the good parts of your job now.

8. I’m about four years behind the curve, but I’m finally reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed. I’m about 25% of the way through. Does this, um, get better? I genuinely want to find out if she figures out her mess, but I’m finding it a surprisingly tedious read.

   1. No,I thought it was boring. Permission to not finish.

      1. +1 I couldn’t even get through the movie.

   2. My rule is always that I can quit a fiction book whenever and whyever I like. (Nonfiction I try to stick with it; I usually end up learning something.) I say kick it to the curb.

      1. Wild isn’t fiction. But I’m not sure why nonfiction is more worth sticking with.

         1. Same, I’m an adult, I don’t have to finish anything I’m not enjoying.

         2. Oh, I had it confused with Torch. Oops. Sorry, OP.

   3. I tried, but wasn’t able to finish it. I had better books waiting in my to-be-read pile, so I returned it back to the library.

   4. There is a good NPR interview with her (< 1 hour) that I enjoyed listening to. And the movie was pretty good. Very REI. Less heroin.

      1. I think this is part of the problem. It’s about twice as long as it needs to be. A woefully unprepared woman hikes the PCT. There’s only so many misadventures that I want to hear about!

         1. I really liked the NPR interview. I listened to it when I was working late one night. Tearing up the trail manual book into smaller bits has applications in my life (beyond trail books), so lots of value add on just that idea. Small binder-clipped chunks for the win for me.

   5. I’ve fully given myself permission to stop reading books I don’t like/TV shows I find boring/Movies that are a drag/Books you ‘should read before you die’ (but I haven’t) etc. Nobody is scoring me and I don’t win virtue points for wasting my limited free time on things I don’t enjoy.
      Also – I found Wild tedious and self indulgent but tiny beautiful things was a lot better, especially if you liked Dear Sugar.

      1. +1, Tiny Beautiful Things is excellent. Maybe short-form is more her strength.

         1. +1 loved that book

   6. I don’t know because I couldn’t get past about that point in the book myself.

   7. I read about the first 10 pages and noped on out. Life is too short.

   8. I am usually very much “permission to not finish,” and I strongly disliked some books that are media/smart chic darlings, but I loved Wild. I remember chatting enthusiastically about it when another baseball mom and I were both reading it at a game. It’s been a minute (probably 10 years, based on how old my son was when he played at this park where this occurred), but I am pretty confident that she figures out her mess. The other mom and I were discussing how it was not something we would usually enjoy, and our lives are so different, etc. So I vote for sticking it out. I found the author’s moral character pretty offputting early in the book but was glad I persevered.

      1. I agree with all of this. It’s been a decade since I read Wild but I loved it. Her behavior in the beginning is definitely off-putting but she redeems herself.

   9. It’s ok to just not like a book and stop reading it.

   10. I hated it for many reasons. Permission to quit!

   11. I read it- actually listened to it – and she doesn’t get anymore competent at being out there, if that’s the question.
       If you’re looking for a “hiked a long way” memoir, I found The Salt Path much more affecting.

   12. I thought it was boring and I’ll read just about anything. I finished it but wondered why I’d bothered.

   13. You think you’re ‘behind the curve’ and I’m over here looking it up because I’ve never heard of it.
       I don’t waste my time finishing a book I can’t get into, and after reading the description of this book, it sounds like one I would definitely not finish.
       Skip to the end of the book if you want to know how she figured things out, and then toss it aside and find something else you like better.

9. My 2023 year at a glance calendar arrived and was up on the wall for 6 whole hours before my husband messed up my colour coding. Guess embracing imperfection is my resolution for the New Year?

   1. LOL, I relate to this strongly.

      1. Like clearly all the school holidays are in blue, why would you put your mum’s visit which is not during a school holiday (b/c of course not, that would be far too helpful…) in the same thick blue marker?

         1. Ohhh girl, nothing is uglier than an at a glance calendar with markers! Switch to electronic.

            1. Haha, it’s a very pretty etsy one. We both use our outlook calendars, but it’s helpful to see the landscape of the whole year, especially for my husband who will happily book back to back family visits.

            2. Ummm what? No need to judge how a stranger’s calendar looks in their own home. Lots of people like paper calendars for one reason or another.

            3. I’m glad Cb understood the humor part and even happier she’s got a cute one from Etsy!

            4. What Etsy shop did you get it from, Cb? I love pretty calendars!

            5. They are UK based, Doodlelove, but it might give you some recommended stores if you look them up. I just find it really helpful to have the map of the year visible. We can tell if a certain season is looking crowded.

            6. Another option – Neayear makes large wall calendars that shows the whole year. Love the clean lines and simplicity for my office.

            7. Edit: Neuyear.

10. I have a weird social issue that I would appreciate some outside input on. A few years ago I purchased a crack house which I’ve slowly and lovingly renovated. I did this because it was the only way to afford getting into the real estate market, I did all the renos DIY. My friends made lots of comments about how I was crazy, etc during the reno process. Anyways now that my house is done I get passive agressive comments about my ‘privilege’ and how ‘lucky’ I am. They know this house is a thrifty work of blood sweat and tears, they constantly made fun of me and talked about how much work is it and how they would never. I genuinely thought they’d be happy I have a nice house now, but they’re just resentful. They all own homes too, but they have larger mortgages since they bought move in ready places in the burbs.

    1. Make new friends.

       1. +1

       2. +1. They sound mean and jealous. What you accomplished is so impressive! I can barely replace a toilet let alone reno my whole house. I would work on finding new friends and if these ones say something again, I always like replying “why do you say that?” to rude comments.

          1. You can replace a toilet?!?!?

             You are a great too.

       3. +3 These people are deliberately looking for ways to look down on you.

       4. +100 These people don’t deserve your attention, let alone energy.

       5. +378. You put blood sweat and tears into a place while they mocked you and they’re now jealous that they couldn’t buy their way into your hard work.

          Speaking as another project house doer, that’s amazing, congrats on finishing! It’s so hard to see what a place could be, or spend your weekends refinishing cabinets instead of going out.

    2. Gently – why are you friends with these people? Are there other redeeming characteristics they have? Have you told them you find their comments hurtful? I can kind of see talking about how nuts you are for doing so much DIY reno could be a running joke-y thing among a generally sarcastic group of friends, but then they don’t get to ALSO claim you somehow lucked into this situation.
       I’d give them one more chance – clearly communicate that this is hurtful to you – and if they can’t/won’t stop I’d try to disengage and find kinder people to hang out with!

       1. When the comments were about me being crazy I thought it was just a good natured joke, because tbh it was a pretty crazy thing to do. The hurt is definitely them dismissing my accomplishment, I think I’m going to lay it out really clearly for them. I just don’t understand why they’re acting like this, someone literally said ‘not all of us are lucky enough to afford fancy homes’ but my house was the cheapest of our whole friend group and they know exactly how much I paid!

          1. I agree with the folks above – they’re acting like this because they’re jealous and it’s a really gross. I’d give them one chance – do NOT get drawn into a discussion/argument of ‘oh we didn’t meeeeaaannnn it! you’re too sensitive! etc. etc.’. If they don’t apologize and change their behavior I’d cut them out of my life.

    3. You’ve transformed a house of destruction into a home of prosperity and love. You need new friends to fill it with.

       1. Why on earth is this in mod?

          1. You used a word with t r a n $ in it.

          2. Tr@ns- will still send you to mod.

    4. So to distill it down, you’re saying or asking this: I did something that made me happy, people were awful to me about it. I put in a ton of effort, the same people are still awful to me.

       There are 2 problems here; first is that you think this is a “weird social issue” rather than an “I’m surrounded by @$$holes issue” which makes me wonder if you have some self-esteem stuff to work on. Second, these people are not “friends” even though you call them that. They might be people you’ve known a long time or work with or who live nearby but they are not people who are kind to you. They were unkind when you bought, they’ve been unkind during the months or years of renos, they are unkind now. That’s not a moment or a miscommunication, that’s who they are.

       I stand corrected in my earlier assessment; this is actually a “why don’t I realize I deserve better, have boundaries, and prefer solo time in my gorgeous home over being surrounded by @##holes?” issue.

       Also, I would really really love if you’d tell us more about your house, about your reno choices and your process, etc. It sounds amazing and it sounds like you haven’t yet gotten to talk about it with people who are excited and happy for you so please let us be that and tell us your tales!!

       1. Maybe being alone is better than these ‘friends’. It’s an old Victorian row home, I’m a bit of a history nerd and restorationist, so a lot of the renos was slowly collecting period appropriate second hand materials from FB marketplace and salvage shops. I learned how to repair basically everything so I have a collection of fancy brass chandeliers, a claw foot tub, even pocket doors! I’m obsessed with how things turned out and it cost me very little for materials, my whole bathroom was only $1500 for example. The true cost was definitely my time.

          1. That sounds so incredibly lovely. You do need new friends. Did you meet anybody in the process of collecting materials and doing the work who is also interested in this kind of thing and would be down for a coffee date or something?

             1. I met a whole lot of restoration folks during the process! I do regularly go for walks and grab coffee with them but they’re mostly a lot older than I am so we’re at different life stages. I do appreciate their company though, it’s great to have someone to nerd out with over stained glass or whatever.

             2. Older friends who are kind > peer age friends who are complete assholes

                I’m 57 and into my old house. I’d love to make friends with a young DIYer!

          2. This sounds amazing and I would love to be your friend and geek out over historical DIY reno projects together. Maybe you have outgrown your friends and this is an opportunity to find your people!

             1. +1, that sounds awesome and I am green with envy. But I couldn’t do what you have done, even with all my DINK privilege.

          3. It sounds like a very impressive and thoughtful effort to reno the dilapidated house that became your home. You should be feeling proud! If these friends can’t share your joy…time for new friends.

          4. Not sure if you’re still reading but wonder if you might want to create an IG to talk about each piece or each reno activity or if you’d post an email so I can see pics and learn more. I am a forever renter and this is nothing I know anything about, but it sounds amazing and while I’m not interested in the general concepts, I am 10000% interested in hearing YOUR stories behind each piece and each action and each change!! I bet I’m not the only one!

          5. I would read absolutely everything you have to write on this topic and especially look at all the pictures. Congrats!

    5. Your friends suck.

       1. +1

    6. Tell them that their comments don’t feel very good. I made a comment about a friend’s car that was teasing and when she said that, I really took a step back and realized that my “teasing” was actually mean.

    7. You need new friends. These “friends” sound awful from tip to toe.

       1. Also, I wanted to add – you may have fallen r into the role of being the butt of the joke with them. My daughter fell into this with her group of friends. They all painted her as the dumb one (like amanda seyfried’s character in Mean Girls, but meaner) even though she’s not dumb – straight A college student. And they were also intensely critical of every guy she dated. Finally she dumped them, and their story is now that she chose a guy over them. Good riddance to bad garbage.

    8. Well, I think your friends are jealous, and mean. I would love to be your friend and would hope that your values, talent and persistence would rub off on me!

       And FYI – You should volunteer at your local Repair Cafe, since you are so amazing, and meet a bunch of guys who will worship your talents. A lot of them will be too old for you (!), but some will be young and all of them will want to be your friend and will think you are amazing and will love to hear about what you have done.

    9. I suspect most people get comments like this, we just don’t really notice unless it’s about something that really rankles. I don’t think it’s meant in a malicious way, it’s almost like conversation. I try to take it as a compliment (“look what a great house you have!”) and ignore the rudeness in how it’s delivered.

       Fwiw I get comments like this about work. I’m so lucky/privileged to be a partner in biglaw and to make what I do. From the same people I’m always canceling on because of work. I don’t think any of them think I’m not a hard worker or I haven’t earned what I have. The envy is pretty selective.

    10. What kind of friends do you keep?!

        Tell them it’s not luck or privilege, it’s all hard work!

    11. Some people are going to find something to pick at, no matter what the circumstances. If I packed up tomorrow, quit my job, and moved into the Orange County Barbie Dream House my MIL wants for us, she’d fuss about how we had so many bathrooms to clean and she didn’t think the foyer was large enough for the family. I’ve definitely faded out of friendships because I just can’t take the level of scrutiny/criticism that might be well-meaning (or ignorant) but just seems mean. Life is too short.

11. My post Covid new job requires a lot of airline travel. I used to fly maybe 3 times a year, all for personal. I have recently discovered that the smell of jet fuel (or whatever the smell is) makes me gag. I nearly threw up the last 2 flights when the strong smell hit me. I’m not pregnant, I’ve had no other intense reactions to smells. I do get a little nauseous sometimes/travel sick, but never like this.

    Any tips for blocking out the smell? I’ve tried N95 and scented hand cream but it’s only slightly helpful.

    1. I’m confused by this…you shouldn’t be smelling jet fuel on a plane unless something goes very wrong. I think it’s a different smell that you’re reacting to.

       1. Frequent flier here who is not OP. Yes, you do smell jet fuel emissions, primarily on the tarmac. It makes me gag too.

          1. Being on the tarmac is super rare though? I’m a very frequent flier and have only been on the tarmac in the Caribbean and places like Tahiti where you arrive on a tiny plane. In US/European/Asian cities there’s a jetbridge between the plane and the airport, and you walk from the plane to the airport on that and never touch the tarmac.

             1. Lots or European airports have buses from gate to plane in addition to jet bridges.

                You can also smell the fuel from inside the plane, if you are seated close to the wings when they are refuelling before takeoff.

             2. In the plane, on the tarmac, which happens every flight. The smell of burning jet fuel / exhaust does make its way into the cabin. I don’t know why you’re so insistent that this isn’t a thing. It’s a thing. Maybe you’re not sensitive to the smell, but it doesn’t mean other people aren’t.

             3. I’ve touched the tarmac many times, despite not being a frequent flier. I think it depends on the airport. We go through Denver a lot, always heading to smaller cities from there, and end up at gates wayyyy down at the end of the terminal where there is no jet bridge.

             4. I’ve been on the tarmac plenty of times in the US, mostly in small airports. Also in Europe where we were bussed out to the plane and had to climb stairs.

             5. I fly about 40 segments a year and frequently smell jet fuel, typically when we’ve pushed back but aren’t taxiing yet. It does make me quite sick especially if they don’t have the air turned on. Surprised you haven’t encountered it.

             6. Plenty of airports including major ones like London Heathrow and Washington Reagan have you on the tarmac in a bus.

       2. I definitely smell it when getting on a plane. It’s not rare and also not a cause for concern about the mechanics of a plane.

    2. I’d try a strong-smelling essential oil, such as peppermint.

    3. Diesel/jet fuel is a well known motion sickness trigger, so I’d try to treat that with meclizine and try to avoid flights and seats where you’ll be exposed to it. I’m super sensitive to this as well, but don’t generally find it to be a big problem except when I’m flying in little planes or have to board outside instead of from the jetway. I know it’s not always possible to avoid that if traveling for work, though.

    4. Alcohol wipes. The whole foods lavendar hand wipes are great as they’re alcohol based plus the lavendar is strong enough to help counteract gross smells. You can also dab vicks underneath your nose right before you board. I find the smell is at it’s worst at the very end of the jetbridge, right before you board (and the smell of the stale coffee in the flight attendent gallery is particularly bad for me).

       1. I was going to recommend some sort of smell right under your nose. I’ve done with peppermint to fight off migraines in situations where there might be a lot of scene triggers it can help.

       2. Also, I have migraines/motion sickness and travel for work – I’d make sure every bag you carry for travel has air sickness bags (you can buy them in bulk on amazon), bonine (better than dramamime), and sour candy or ginger chews. I also find strong sour/fizzy drinks (american lemonade, bitter lemon soda, gingerale or even seltzer) help a ton – Auntie Anne’s lemonade was my saving grace when traveling while pregnant and having hyperemesis. Flight attendants are also super kind/understanding about airsickness – nobody WANTS to get sick on a flight and every time I’ve been ill they’ve been super kind about offering water/paper towels/disposing of my air sickness bag.

    5. This might be one of the few problems that essential oils can truly solve. Find a blend you like and mix it with a carrier oil, and then dab a little under your nose. I’ve read that nurses and doctors do this with peppermint oil.
       I sympathize – for me it was the brake fluid (I think) on the DC Metro. On a hot day that smell was awful.

       1. 1% problems, but the smell of the vaporettos in Venice or diesel fuel in small boats in general is an instant motion sickness trigger for me.

       2. I’d be very careful about doing this on a plane. As the motion sick person who posted above, someone using essential oils next to me in addition to jet fuel is likely result in getting them puked on. It might help some people, but adding smells just makes me feel worse and worse! Peppermint might be barely tolerable, but lavender, like the person above suggested, is vomit city!

          1. Good point. Would something like vapo rub still be an issue?

    6. When I used to do home visits as a social worker, some of the homes had scents that were problematic (sometimes lack of hygiene, sometimes pet odors, sometimes a candle I didn’t like, etc.). I would always carry a heavily scented lip balm (lip smackers options are great) and vaporub. I would rub some on my finger and put it just at the base of my nostrils. I would comment something about the air being dry so they wouldn’t be offended. It gave me control of what I smelled without requiring perfumes others had to smell or without offending anyone. In a plane situation, I would think it’d work too, maybe better if you are someone who masks (which would also likely help with fumes). I wonder if you could rub a bit of an orange oil or another scent you enjoy on the inside of the mask the day before you travel so it isn’t so strong but is there for your nose? Oh, and tell your doc you get motion sick so you can get meds to have just in case!

    7. If it is just happening recently, is it the de-icer they apply right before the fight takes off in the winter? I really dislike that smell. I don’t have any other solutions for your symptoms but if it is limited to flights in the winter that may give you some hope for the future!

    8. Late in the day but look up Environmental Illness, multiple chemical sensitivity and mast cell activation syndrome.

       I’m really sensitive to diesel fumes and each exposure worsened the sensitivity so I’d avoid as much as possible instead of adding other smells.

       There’s masks for blocking fumes – look for ones that say they filter organic vapours and have charcoal in them.

12. does anyone have a rec for a food processor?

    1. Depends what you want it to do, but my Cuisinart has handled just about everything I’ve thrown at it in the last 6-7 years.

       1. +1. I bought my Cuisinart in 1993. It’s older than all of my children. It’s a beast.

    2. I have a magimix which I’m always convinced I’ve finally killed but it always comes back to life. It is heavy though, and I’d like a small chopper for day to day stuff.

    3. I have one of the classic Cuisinarts (hand-me-down from a relative), and it is a beast and gets the job done. It’s also very heavy, though.

       1. +1. Cuisinarts are great but there’s a small dent in an Indiana kitchen floor that will forever be my fault (and the Cuisinart’s).

          1. Haha the Cuisiart was showing the floor who’s boss

       2. I’m using my late MIL’s Cuisinart! Probably circa 1983. I have replaced a few parts along the way.

       3. I bought one of the old-school Cuisinarts 20 years ago and the thing is still a powerhouse. Not sure how the newer ones are, but OP, if you can find an older one on eBay, FB Marketplace or at an estate sale or thrift store, snag it.

          1. Make sure you know about the blade recall. Check your model online. I am the 1993 poster and they sent me a brand new, sharp blade. Sweet!

             Same with my old crock pot too. A brand new replacement.

       4. Funny story: Our old, heavy Cuisinart gave up the ghost last year and I was heartbroken. Then we bought a new, lightweight Cuisinart and I love it even more because it’s (you guessed it) lightweight!

    4. I have one of those mini ones that I use constantly. I also have a full sized one that I almost never use (it was a gift). I’d rather process several batches in the mini one than dig out the big one, which is also way more of a pain to use and clean. I guess it depends what you want to use it for, but I’d definitely consider whether you need a full size one at all.

    5. Cuisinart! I was gifted a full-size one for my wedding 15 years ago and it’s still going strong.

    6. Unless you want it to live on the counter (nothing lives on my counters, so this was important to me), get one that will fit in the cabinet where you want it to live. Some have decidedly taller profiles than others. I returned one for this reason.

    7. I despise my Cuisinart and avoiding using it at all costs. DH strings it along for some unknown reason. I have the one with three nesting bowls and hate that you can only use the smaller two if they are nested within the larger ones, which means you have to wash all of them.

       Additionally, the safety rod thing broke off from the lid, so we have to insert that separately which kind of defeats the point. The chute has pieces that broke off the sides so the plunger doesn’t have anything to stop it from going too far down, so we have to be very careful not to end up with plastic shavings in our food. And the Cuisinart customer service *so helpfully* offered me a coupon for 5% off multiple accessories purchased in one future shopping trip as the only solution they would consider for these problems.

       1. I should say: the base unit seems very heavy duty and has never had issues. I am simply miffed that the lid broke spectacularly in so many different ways just outside of the store’s return window, and that Cuisinart did not stand behind their product in the slightest. No way I was willing to pay full freight for a replacement lid when the original seemed of such poor quality.

          1. Interesting that Cuisinart was so terrible for you and so amazing for me.

13. I know conventional wisdom is you don’t tip the owner of a business – is that still true? I do weekly personal training with a woman who owns the studio; $95 per session. I have a session on Christmas Eve. Should I leave a card with a gift in it? I would only do cash – she’s not the type who would appreciate gifts of a more personal nature. WWYD?

    1. I’ve never followed that rule. I’d give a cash tip for the holidays.

    2. I acknowledge that I know nothing about the rules of such when I say this but with everything going on due to c0vid and inflation, I feel like, if you can afford to tip someone and you don’t know if you should, do it. I’m tipping more for delivery, etc. I think so many are hurting and those who have enough who want to tip shouldn’t feel bad doing so. That said, I’d probably put it in a card with a nice note about how the person has positively impacted you this year and then hand it to them on the way out the door so that there’s no awkwardness about them opening it in front of you or any of that. I figure those who need it will appreciate it and those who don’t will put it into the economy or spend it on others’ tips or split it with their employees or something so there’s no harm in it.

       1. +1 to all of this, it seems like a great gesture. I think “tip when you can” in the vein of “go to the funeral” is a good life rule if not an exact parallel.

       2. I also think women have a somewhat unjustified reputation for not being good tippers and I want to counteract that assumption. Also, if I go to a place regularly, I like that they recognize me (sort of) as Miss Tuna Sandwich $5 Tip.

    3. I asked a hair salon owner whether that rule still applies and she was an emphatic no.

    4. I have never heard this rule. My mom used to own a salon and a lot of her income was from tips.

14. I like to take time ahead of the new year to reflect, make some goals, and think about some changes I’d like to make. I’ve previously done the Every Girl Life Edit but am looking for a different set of prompts or questions this year. Any suggestions?

    I’m lucky that I had a life I mostly love, but am always looking to make things just slightly better

    1. I’ve used the Year Compass for a couple years and enjoy it!

       https://yearcompass.com/

       1. Is that the Anushka Rees one? Someone here recommended it last year, and I found it too heavyweight to complete during chemo, but otherwise very helpful.

    2. Don’t let almost perfect but not quite get in your way of just being content.

       1. Oh I am far far farrr from perfect and most of what I want to improve upon will make me happier: more rest and more exercise and less go go go

    3. Several years ago I saw a recommendation to make a “More” and “Less” list for the new year. (Super simple: a list of what you want more of and less of next year.) I now do that every year, in addition to Year Compass mentioned above.

       1. Ooh that’s lovely. I use a counter app for my more… nearly 650 hours outdoors, 500 books read to my kid (which I’m really proud about given I travel 30% of the time), 470 miles on my bike (damn covid, I was so close), 100 social events.

          1. I never stay honest with counting, but I loooove the idea!

       2. Ahahaha I like my gut instinct reaction to that.
          Less chemo
          More babies

          We have a niece coming this spring :)

          1. Yes! Enjoy! My niece has been a major part of my 2022, and I have another niece or nephew on the way next year! It’s not public yet, but seems safe to say here ;)

             1. OMG congratulations:). So exciting!

          2. I love that!

       3. Yes, I saw the same thing a few years back, and made a more/less list last year. It worked but I also didn’t put any hard metrics around it.

          I like CB’s tip on counting to look at the #s and congratulate yourself :)

       4. That’s a great idea!

       5. l am going to try this, seams like a good way to get perspective

    4. just a note to NOT be suckered into the Best Year Ever by Hyatt – i paid some absurd amount ($500?) for what amounted to a 25 page workbook that was mostly blank, and a FB page that was mostly just full of people trying to quit smoking (and as far as I remember, Hyatt was never in the group himself, nor anyone from his team).

15. Does anyone here have a good sufganiyot recipe?

    1. I am planning to try the Lion’s Bread lemon ricotta sufganiyot tonight! She has a few other sufganiyot recipes on her website, I haven’t tried them but trust her in general. Happy Hanukkah!

    2. I just made these on Sunday and they were yummy – I would definitely use more zest if I made them again. I rolled them in spiced sugar (cinnamon, nutmeg, ground ginger) and then split them open like a sandwich and filled them that way as I don’t have (and didn’t want to go buy) a pastry bag/tips. FYI – if you don’t do the ravioli method of pre-filling it makes closer to 30 donuts (which are slightly larger than donut holes, so not huge). I fried them in batches of 5-6 which was easiest for maintaining the oil temperature in between batches. I’d probably double the recipe if you’re making them for more than 5 people – we easily ate 20 on the first day and my kiddo happily had the leftovers for breakfast/dessert for the next day.
       https://smittenkitchen.com/2014/12/jelly-doughnuts/

       1. Thanks! You can use a plastic syringe for injection if you don’t have pastry tips. That’s what I’m planning to do.

          1. Or a plastic squeeze bottle. They are great to have in the kitchen for all kinds of reasons.

    3. Yes, I start the car, make a couple of right turns, and park at the local bakery ;)

       1. Hahah! I live in the middle of nowhere in a red state with no Jews. I’m pretty sure I’d have to drive >2 hours for bakery sufganiyot.

          1. Oh no!! Well happy Hanukkah from this blue stater who’s now super appreciative of our options!! Check out Rebekah Lowin’s blog for some fun ideas.

          2. My friend buys Dunkin’s jelly-filled donut holes as a substitute for her weekday Hanukkah nights.

    4. I did not know what these were and now that I’ve googled, I want some. That is all.

       1. I actually prefer latkes, but no one in my family except me will eat them and they’re a lot of work, so this year I’m giving up and switching to donuts.

          1. Our latke hack is to start with hash brown potatoes- by skipping the shredding part, it’s so much easier. Still doesn’t change people not eating them, which I do not understand.

             1. I hate potatoes and only barely tolerate french fries/specific types of potato chips (Lays for life, none of those thick weird kettle ones). My kid is the same way, so we swapped to jelly donuts instead – still a lot of mess/prep but infinitely yummier!

          2. Trader Joe’s makes amazing latkes.

             We switched from making them at home to just buying them.

    5. I’ve made these and they were great: https://www.onceuponachef.com/recipes/sufganiyot-israeli-donuts.html

16. Was email asked to post an update… hoping others will update too… so if you are someone with a handle you use often or you are anon and have shared anything going on in your life, please post a reminder and an update!!

    As for me, well, most importantly, an incredible friend here sent me the fahncy Harry and David pears (and other yummies) and I’m not sure if it was the pears or that they were pears sent with love but they were everything my heart ever hoped they would be when y’all talk about ’em every year. (not identifying her but she can if she wants… just know that kindness here really DOES translate into kindness IRL and that there really ARE people who cherish kindness when they receive it.)

    I never heard from Dream Job so either 1) they postponed a choice and will reach out after the holidays, 2) they ghosted, 3) they will let me know it went to someone else after that person starts after the holidays. Bummed big time. Especially because I could have used knowing health insurance with dental was coming because I now need a dental extraction and implant surgery, which I have no reason to wait on, so it begins this Friday (so I lost this week’s festivities to the pain and will lose this weekend’s holidays and NYE to the recovery.). It means my fahncy pears really are the only celebrating I’ll be having, which makes them that much more of a beloved experience and memory.

    The rule I’ve been given by the periodontist for recovery is no solid foods for 1 week and then only soft food for 2-3 weeks and I may need to do this twice (depending if I need a bone graft). However, my eating and palate is pretty limited for many reasons. So the question is: what non-solid or super soft foods would you feed a 6 year old? So far, I have mashed potatoes, pudding, and yogurt, but I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to exist on this for 3 weeks. Also, since we often talk about weight loss here, I just want to acknowledge that while this is likely to result in me losing some of the junk food weight I’ve picked up in the past few months, I’d much rather have the weight than go through this. (If you see someone who has lost, please don’t tell them how lucky they are. You don’t know what they might have gone through to lose the weight either in that it was painful or that they worked hard for the loss, not to mention that many don’t like to receive any comments about their body at all.)

    Also, if anyone’s done this and has any tips or guidance, I’d love to hear them… doing this solo (other than my pup) as my local people are all going to be traveling and away during this time (adding to the fun of the experience), so anything that’d make it easier to have prepared or to know would be super helpful.

    PS Sending love to all who are preparing to travel or who are wrapping or who are struggling! <3

    Okay, your turn for sharing updates!!

    1. I’m glad of the pears but bummed about your teeth on top of all the apartment stuff and the job. What a year.

       For recovery: lot of baby purees are available in pouches, which might be expensive, but is an option. There are even beef purees.

       When little one is sick and prefers liquidy foods, we do a lot of:
       – Smoothies with peanut butter and frozen fruit
       – Applesauce
       – Tuna and chicken creations pouches
       – Beechnut veggie pouches
       – Soft soups, like chicken noodle
       – Soft noodles, particularly elbow noodles since they cook in 5.

       And my mom made me delicious sweet potato puree that I lived on after wisdom teeth surgery. She just cooked them until they were total glorious mush. And I very much like Campbell’s tomato soup.

       Hope you only have to do this once.

    2. Hey Dr.! Fingers crossed that Dream Job makes you a phenomenal offer after the new year.

       I’m sorry to hear about your teeth woes! I had gum surgery and it turns out you can live on yogurt longer than you think. I supplemented with those squeezy fruit-and-veggie pouches and scrambled eggs. Smoothies might work, too – tho you should check about seeds in fruits like strawberries; not sure if that could cause trouble. Milkshakes don’t have seeds :)

       As far as updates – we are still in Santa Fe and I am still in love with the mountains. My wife hit a rough spot at work – was being assigned different work than what she was hired for – and it brought back a lot of the anxiety and self-doubt she fought with in 2021. But she stood up for herself and recently there’s been some slight improvement! I am supposed to be on break but am supervising an install so I’m toggling between some PD/here/online shopping. We’ve got a Zoom scheduled with my family this week so I can watch my niece and nephew open their gifts, which I’m very much looking forward to. There are worse ways to end the year :)

       1. This might sound odd since she’s not here (AFAIK) but I am so so proud of your wife! Work was gonna do what it does in reaction to her but in the face of anxiety and self-doubt, she not only didn’t let those get her, she stood up for herself! What a rockstar!!

          Also, it’s awful of you to tell us there are a niece and nephew with gifts and not tell us ages and what the gifts are! (I am living vicariously so I wanna hear all of the adorable stories and details!!)

          1. I have no idea if she’s on here too, but I agree she’s pretty great.

             Nephew is 3.5 and is obsessed with Sonic. We found a little beaded Sonic medallion by a local artisan and a couple shirts for him. Niece is 8 and got glitter Docs.

             1. Glitter docs? Y’all are the coolest aunts ever.

    3. I’ve had 5 extractions and implants. Although I’m ordinarily extremely compliant with medical matters, I think I skipped most of the periodontist’s suggestions. Probably lived mostly on soup and then just ate normally on the other side of my mouth. It was DEFINITELY not 3 weeks of soft food. As for the extraction and being alone, it was just one day of going home with an icepack and once, going back to the office with an icepack. I did all the hygienic routine, though, the rinsing with the special mouthwash and whatever else there might have been. Probably took one pain pill. My outstanding memory from implants is all the visits–those got old. Good luck!

       As for updates, I’m still waiting to hear about two housing situations. One was the SIL who got the Air BNB rather than cram into a small house with (I think) two dogs and two families, and a similar one with a mother in a small town and a 1200-sq-ft house and one bathroom who wanted everyone to stay there. Guess these were Thanksgiving visits? I felt for everyone involved!

    4. On the dream job, first up reset your thinking there. No job is a dream job and if you’re not selected, they probably know something you don’t about why it wouldn’t work. Keep applying for things that interest you. I’ve had very not good on paper jobs turn out to be amazing. That said, I wouldn’t write it off at all. Holiday hiring is a crazed time! And most places don’t decide that quickly.

    5. I posted on the weekend about a video chat date I was looking forward to. Turned out to be a dud, BUT then I had another video chat with a different guy from the same app, which I actually wasn’t super jazzed about, but turned out awesome. We’re hopefully going to meet up in person after Christmas.

    6. Yay for the pears, fooey on the Dream Job — hopefully they just don’t have their act together and will come back after the holidays.

       My husband was on a liquid diet recently for a stomach issue, and he enjoyed chicken broth with turmeric — they have several brands at the supermarket so it shouldn’t be hard to find. It sounds exotic but it’s not really — it’s just like extra-good chicken broth. Also don’t forget good old jello — he loved the premade jello cups!

       Update: We fly to Portland on Thursday for Christmas with my kid and I can’t wait — especially since it’s supposed to snow and it might be my first White Christmas!

    7. The pears sound wonderful. Do you have an immersion blender? You can make everything you like into a purée with a good immersion blender. I like puréed soups (the bright green leek soup from the NYT cooking section is a winner!) and I’m a big fan of pate or liverwurst, which is already basically a purée.

       I’m not sure about smoothies because I’ve never been a fan (hate bananas, and they pretty much all have bananas) but if you do go the smoothie route, please avoid a straw, as that suction situation may not be good for a healing incision.

       Healing thoughts!

    8. I had gum graft surgery earlier this year and was on a similar diet for a few weeks–In addition to what you’ve already named, I ate lots of oatmeal (you can prepare it and then blend it if you’re worried about the oat pieces), blended soups, protein smoothie bowls, and the occasional milkshake bowl as a treat.

    9. I think one of the problems with a soft diet is that so many of the options don’t stick with you and you’re hungry an hour later. If you have a good blender there’s a simple smoothie I make many mornings that holds me until lunch time. Blend a cup of coffee, a banana (frozen is great but not necessary) , a scoop of vanilla protein powder (Orgain brand isn’t gritty), about a cup of your milk of choice, and a handful of ice cubes. Really blend it good until it’s perfectly smooth. Variations: add a spoonful of almond or peanut butter, and/or use chocolate almond (or whatever) milk.

    10. Soft food ideas!
        Protein shakes. I like the Fairlife Core Power shakes.
        Beef barley soup, lentil soup, all soup. I’m not picky about brand.
        Ricotta bakes – you can find it in bariatric websites, but it’s basically just pasta sauce baked with ricotta cheese for protein
        Scrambled eggs or omelets

    11. If you can do pudding, definitely try mixing it with a protein shake like Fairlife — just the bag of Jello pudding, a shake, and a mason jar. Its delicious and high protein.

        Can you do soup? Noodles and tortellini get softer in broth. Tofu can also be good in soups.

    12. When I had my wisdom teeth out I indulged in several boxes of Kraft mac’n’cheese. The noodles are pretty soft compared to regular pasta and then I cooked them just a touch longer. Delicious and reminded me of childhood. It was also something I would normally never eat so felt like a treat!

17. Does anyone have a recommendation for serious books re kids with complex mental health needs? Teen kid has seen a therapist since being a tween, but things seem to be spiraling a bit (or very up and down) and I don’t really have any background in this area. Like there are ton of books on the largely physical needs of newborns (IMO not that complex) but no good users manual here (where big kids = big problems). I am trying to think of something we’re not dealing with: anxiety, perhaps a SSRI is needed?, ADHD so far not medicated well enough to help, school stress, bullies in prior year, prior year bullies acting as if they are friends now (I have my suspicions), possibly being on the spectrum, etc. We struggled during the pandemic to cobble together a care team but it’s been a revolving door of providers (and I think we may be turning a corner on the psychiatrist front, someone well-regarded who has experience with ADHD kids on the spectrum). To protect kid’s privacy, I don’t think I can talk to my friends about this and as far as I can tell, everyone is unicorns and roses and also has a big issue with their kid hanging out with anyone with Issues, so I just talk to kiddo’s psychologist privately to make sure I understand how to be a supportive and watchful parent. Kiddo is a lovely, sweet, kind, and caring person and I hate to see the emotional suffering, but I am also feeling very helpless.

    1. I have no book recs, just an appreciation that you’re getting your kid the help they need.

       I think you need a trusted outlet for your feelings on this, stat. Are you sure there’s no friends you could trust to respect your kid’s privacy? No friends who don’t know your kid and can be objective? Your partner, family members, a therapist for you?

       1. Honestly, I am not sure I am getting kiddo the help that is needed, only the help I can obtain and try to schedule. And, honestly, I am not sure what even responds to therapy, meds, etc. It seems to be operating on hope a lot and that things might help, but it’s not like any input gets you relief. And if it doesn’t work, you don’t know if a higher dose, longer / more often therapy, combos of things would be what would do the trick. I hate that kid feels like a medical experiment and a person with a lot of “wrong” things who misses a lot of school.

          I can talk to spouse, but spouse has no clue about any of this or how to make it better. For a lot of family, we know that there is a lot of stigma for a lot of conditions. And maybe people do the best they can for their kids (but the best from 40-20 years ago isn’t the best care now, at least in cities (e.g., one cousin seems to have autism but is just regarded as “delayed” and repeated school a bit and other than that, seems to be happy and not leading a life with a lot of distress).

          I just feel very lost and alone and with very high stakes since it’s a kid where I do worry that they can easily max out on coping skills and make some very bad decisions (like other parents are shocked we haven’t locked up the liquor, and maybe we should, but since we have so many other problems and kiddo has never shown an indication of trying it, it didn’t occur to us, but not a bad idea) that will have a long tail possibly.

          1. So many kids with mental health issues have parents with their heads completely in the sand about it. Even if you feel ineffective and lost as to the best next steps, your kid knows you aren’t going to just ignore their problems and hope they go away. That’s huge, and I’m sure I speak for a lot of folks here when I say I would have benefited greatly from my parents having that attitude as a teenager.

             Is your spouse kid’s other parent? They need to be involved, if only so you don’t crash and burn trying to handle all this yourself. You need to feel less alone in this so you’re able to stay on top of things for your kid.
             (Also, I’m sure you know kid well and don’t need to lock up the liquor if you’ve never noticed any issues, and I can see where the other parents are not helping by making that kind of suggestion!)

    2. Not a book but curated social media. For example, if you have some diagnoses in mind, look for accounts that fit that (there are ones for teen girls with autism, for example) and then follow them. Also, check the comments. Typically, this helps you see what pages follow one another and the most updated treatments, life skills, frustrations, myths, and news on a topic plus life experiences day to day. Another place may be a r3ddit group for each, for the same reasons. ADHD and being a teen or being a teen with anxiety are so common that there are likely tons of options so you can browse and follow based on what helps or guides or seems familiar or whatnot!

       You may also want to begin your own therapy work to ensure you are both taking care of yourself and processing the complex experience of parenting a kid with some diagnoses while in a broken system of care while living in a pandemic.

       1. Really? I thought we told people to get their news (mere news) from real sources, so I am not sure that social media is where I’d go for this. Lord knows what weird groups you might latch onto. BUT I’d check kiddos social media b/c they may latch onto unvetted weirdness (at best) and there is always the creepy strangers and bad adults lurking (potentially).

          1. I agree that news should come from real sources, but some of the best leads Ive gotten on problems for my autistic son have come from social media or FB groups. You can lurk and you see it organically when checking your feed, so its less stressful than sitting and reading a book about it — and a lot of times when I wonder if X is a possibility I can look it up in the FB group to see prior discussions and possible solutions and discuss with doctors. (Besides, the news for autism-related stuff is generally ableist crap – even good resources like Spectrum are problematic.)

    3. Therapy for you. My child had and still has an assortment of mental health issues. It was the best thing I did for my daughter, the other siblings, my husband, and ultimately for me.

       1. Is there a name for this, when you need to become the equivalent of a lay caregiver to a child with MH issues? Therapy sounds too general (like what term do you use to find the right person to help you?).

          1. I’m wondering if maybe the intensity of your child’s situation and the difficulty of getting help is leading you into a bit of a emotional corner where it seems as if nobody can really help you unless they Truly Understand. I can get this way, where the problem is SO HUGE and there is no way to fully explain it to anyone. It seems as if someone who isn’t fully with me in it cannot offer me anything. But I’ve often found that a really good listening ear can go a long way.
             You could start with a general therapist, and talk about how you’re not sure it’s what you need. But it’s a place to start, and that person might be able to give you a referral if you both discover that you truly do need someone who works directly with parents regarding a teens’ mental health. Right now, you’re an isolated, concerned, weary mother who sees no solutions—and even general therapy may be able to give you some relief regarding that.

          2. All family caregivers are “lay “. You’re a caregiver. There are groups for it. NAMI is one.

       2. I agree 100%. Therapy for you, possibly group therapy if you can find a good group. You need a place to talk about this and a support group.

          Also, I guarantee that not everyone is Unicorns and Roses. I am a girl scout leader for my teen daughter’s troop, and I get their health forms and their parents talk to me about their issues. All of these kids are struggling in different ways, whether with ADHD, depression, anxiety, social anxiety, eating, or other things. My scouts have lost parents or siblings, transitioned, come out, found themselves, been on medication, been in therapy. They all talk about their therapists all the time! Teen years are HARD. I hope you find other parents out there who can help you realize that you are not alone (BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT).

    4. NAMI was really helpful for me. Look for your local group, and see if they have one of the classes for family members of children with mental illness/issues and some areas have support groups.

       I really find that only other folks who are dealing with similar issues really understand. It is key to find a doctor/therapist of course, but too many are disappointing…. By talking to peers who have been through the process, you can learn so much, and the support is helpful. And sometimes, they can recommend doctors/therapists who actually are good.

       I’m so sorry this is so hard. You are doing better than you think.

       It is frustrating when you don’t have friends in your circle that can be supportive. The sad thing is that I promise you that you have several good friends who are dealing with similar problems or worse right now and you have no idea.

       We have a lot of mental illness in my family and parental separations and rocky reunions etc…. I never talked with any friend or even extended family members about any of them. Sadly, even when I dropped hints to them – everyone ignored them, or at worst… made a joke about them. So I went back to silence and struggling, only finding NAMI years later. Only very late in life did I learn that one of my best friends had a family member with severe mental illness (anxiety/phobias/OCD) that scarred her and explains so much…. And I always thought I was never invited to their house because I was the poor friend from the wrong side of town, and felt shame around them. Crazy what we do to ourselves.

       People can absolutely be great on Reddit.

    5. Big hugs. I’m maybe there but not sure yet; my autistic 8yo has issues.

       Something to consider – hydryOXYzine is a med that helps anxiety but is out of the system in 24 hours – no ramp up or weaning period, and you can give it to them as needed for tough periods of anxiety. Its like Benadryl but crosses the blood/brain barrier.

       Resources I’ve used: Tilt Parenting (podcast) has some good interviews with book authors that let you get an idea if the book is worth it; search for anxiety. FB groups: Parenting Kids with Anxiety, and honestly, Autistic Allies and Autism Inclusivity are great for searching previous threads. If you find an expert who seems like They Get It, reach out and see if they do video consults or can recommend someone who does.

       Also: an occupational therapist might be able to help with anxiety because s/he could help the child identify sensory triggers or drains (look into “spoon theory” also) as well as self-regulation issues. (Zones of Regulation is the big one.) They may be into some weird stuff (my last one recommended tapping) but I kind of prefer the woo ones.

18. My in laws spend a LOT of time at my house hanging out with and taking care of my newborn. I love this arrangement, it’s truly a win-win for everyone. However, I would really like them to make themselves at home and help themselves to whatever they want or need while they’re at my house, and they don’t. They will be here for 5+ hours without having anything to drink or eat, and when they do eat or drink it’s only after I’ve offered 100 times. I keep the fridge stocked with food and beverages they like, and I have a coffee/tea station that I know they know how to use. Any tips on making them feel more comfortable? Possibly relevant: they are Eastern European immigrants who came to the US 30 years ago, and we’re fairly close.

    1. Tell them this directly.

       1. And have your partner say it to them directly. Strongly. Every time, until they break through.

          Yes, a lot of this could be cultural.

    2. I would offer once at the beginning and tell them they can help themselves. Maybe once in the middle. Otherwise, I’d assume they’re adults and will eat or drink if they want to.

       1. +1

          Make sure they know they’re welcome to help themselves and then stop offering. It’s not your responsibility, you have a baby to deal with.

    3. I think it’s a relatively new thing for people to feel the need to eat and drink every 20 minutes. It really should be fine to go for 5 hours without eating or drinking, so I wouldn’t assume that they’re deprived. I don’t drink anything besides water and generally just eat three meals a day, so I’m not going to want something else besides that (though I will be very cranky if I don’t get to eat when I am hungry and won’t hesitate to ask or eat packed food at that point).

       1. +1. Previous generations really only ate/drank at mealtime. I’m old enough to remember when bottled water was invented and how bizarre people found it that people were constantly bringing water around with them, comparisons to camels, etc.

       2. I drink water constantly. Some of us are well hydrated.

    4. I would introduce them to the fridge and its contents, then bring out a snack and/or drinks and ask them to join me. “Hey in-laws, try this new cheese from Costco. Let me know what you think about it?” After a couple of times they may feel more comfortable about consuming food in your house. I don’t want to rummage through people’s fridge when I’m unfamiliar with it and I feel bad if I’m helping myself to food and drinks when the hosts aren’t eating or drinking themselves.

    5. You have pointed out that you have their favorites around, right? I wouldn’t be above a, “Hey MIL, Costco had the Tutti Frutti Fizzi Wizzi on sale so I grabbed some! Please drink them while you’re here!” but I would otherwise not be too bothered about this.

    6. I have anxiety so this hits me in both directions. If someone comes over, I worry they might be hungry or thirsty and I’m not offering enough or don’t have the right things or or or. When I go to someone’s home, I worry I might offend or bother them by asking so I don’t. (I once had a 22 yr old male friend who was super self-absorbed. I visited for 24 hrs and he never offered anything, I never asked, and I ate my weight in airport food when I left. Next trip, I packed granola bars rather than risking offending him by bringing it up.) YES, I AM working on it in therapy, thanks for noticing LOL

       In other words, I get it. So now what I do is that I notice what my closest local friends drink and snack on when we’re out and I keep it in the house. When they come over, I intentionally pour myself a drink of choice and ask them if they’d prefer x or y. (The ones who really don’t want decline.) Then I put a snack I know they like on the coffee table next to us when I sit down on the couch. I also tell them that it makes me really happy when loved ones grab from my fridge and pantry because it tells me I made my place feel like home to them and I’ll be so glad when they feel comfortable enough to do that. This combo helps me feel like I did enough, it helps ensure they have things if they want them, and it shows them that taking would make me happy not be something that’d overstep.

       When I go to a good friend’s home, she does the same with me. Another friend started asking me to get us both drinks from the kitchen while she went upstairs to grab something, which got me used to knowing where things are and doing so it was an easier transition when she told me to help myself any time. Another friend has a mug with something unique to me on it to use when I’m over and tells me it makes her happy when I use it.

       All that said, I wonder if they come over just after eating or drinking so they can focus on the baby not multitasking eating and baby. I wonder if they don’t want to take your resources if they think it’s financial or an inconvenience. It may also be cultural? If you’re super close, I think I’d express it once and point out that I bought x, y, and z specifically for them when they’re over, on another visit I’d offer at the beginning and middle of the visit, and maybe on a third visit I’d reiterate once more. Then I’d drop it. (And yeah, those things are probably still doing as much to service the anxiety I’m working on as they would be for the guests. I own that.)

       <3

       1. This is all such lovely advice! I love hosting but also struggle with the angst that goes along with “offering too much and annoy them” or “offer too little and starve them.” Great tips, thank you!

       2. this reply has a lot of good advice and compassion to

    7. Have you asked your spouse for some insight? Are they being polite or do they truly not eat/drink for hours?

       Regardless, I would just pour them a beverage and put it in front of them at some point, or set out some snacks. I’d say, “I’m thirsty and getting some water – MIL I’ll pour you a glass unless you prefer coffee?” Ditto with snacks. Even though they are family, I still view myself as the host in these scenarios and I suspect they think of themselves as guests.

    8. Gently, this is borrowing trouble. If you have offered that many times, they know what’s available and you can drop it, and I agree with the others – there are a lot of older folks in particular who don’t need to eat or drink that often. I think you’re actually kind of making it seem more like they are guests than welcome in your house – think about what you would do with your family. You wouldn’t offer them food or drink every 10 minutes.

    9. Hot black tea with lemon slices is a fairly typical Eastern European drink.

       If you offer them hot tea and a chat on arrival, and they decline, your hostess job can be considered done. Please help yourself if you change you mind, is enough.

       They might not be snackers, they might not consider hot drinks safe with the baby, they might a lot of things, but it doesn’t matter – offering as often as you described is too pushy. You can thank them in other ways.

    10. I’d stop offering. I don’t like when I’m at someone’s house and they keep asking if I want something. I’m just not hungry or thirsty! Make it known they can help themselves to whatever they want, and leave it at that.

        1. It would really bug me if I were at my adult children’s home and they were constantly offering me food and drinks even after I had declined, and even after it had been made clear that I could help myself. I am an adult human being and if I am hungry or thirsty I will eat or drink and please get off my back about it.

19. Sorry for the long rant. I have a friendship that I thing I need to end. I’ve posted about this before but I think it’s become toxic enough for me to do a slow fade. She makes about 3X what I make and her husband is in the same ballpark. No kids, own their home, etc. I’ve been friends with people who make significantly more than me in the past (surgeons, engineers, etc) and it wasn’t an issue because they don’t feel the need to tell me about their 3 week European vacation, high bonus, company car with all expenses paid, or send me beach vacation photos when they know I haven’t had a vacation in 2.5 years due to covid and testing requirements at the time. Just post it on Instagram and I’ll scroll past! I’m very happy for anyone’s success. It just doesn’t need to be the topic of dinner conversation especially when I vent about high rents, my old car, etc. She is incredibly out of touch and thought min wage was closer to $25. My other friends who have met her generally try to avoid her and would go to dinner with me but not the three of us. I struggle with ending a friendship because it gets so hard to make friends at our age, late 30’s/early 40’s. I guess what I’m looking for is validation that her behavior is enough to end a friendship and how to do it. I’ve had friends ghost me in the past and ultimately I get over it.

    1. I mean people talk about their lives with their friends. You sound a little envious or something, I’ve never had that reaction to a friend’s success. Fade away but recognize it’s more you than her.

       1. I agree. You sound really jealous.

          1. If someone keeps bragging about all the things they get to do knowing you are not in the same position, of course I would be jealous, annoyed, and not want to spend time with them if that’s all they talk about.

             1. The OP doesn’t describe it as bragging, just the need to tell her about it. Bonus specifics aside, it seems normal to share vacation details or mention who pays for your car. These things could be mentioned in a bragging way or not

          2. Ehhh. I’m in no position to go to Europe but if my friend does I absolutely want all the details and pictures. I’d think it be weird to expect her to quiet about her fun vacations and other (good! Happy!) life events because I’m not as wealthy.

    2. If you don’t like the behavior, that’s enough of a reason to end a friendship. But what you’re describing doesn’t sound unreasonable – celebrating a high bonus, talking about vacations and sharing photos, talking about job perks. I would find it more off-putting for a friend to be complaining about their car and rent, frankly. Positivity > negativity.

       1. Yeah, you didn’t sign a contract and don’t owe her anything, but this sounds like a two-way street to me.

       2. I’m all for celebrating friends accomplishments but this is not a one time thing. What should my response be when she talks about her vacations or her bonus? Just say oh ok great? I don’t understand what she expects me to say.

          1. Be happy and talk about the good things in your life?

             1. This! Do you really expect your friends to not talk about good things in their lives just because you can’t afford them?

                Full disclosure, I make a lot less than most people here but we take a lot of vacations including 3 or 4 international trips every year. It’s a matter of budget priorities and other life circumstances, some of which are choices we made and others are luck. It’s one thing if someone is acting really insufferable by complaining about a minor inconvenience on a luxury trip. But if she’s just happily sharing about the trip I think you’re in the wrong. I would be hurt if I couldn’t share my trips just because my friends don’t travel as much as I do. Many of my friends have things I don’ t and I can share their joy about those things.

             2. This. It’s really not hard to be curious about someone’s life.

          2. Friend: We are going on a 3 week trip to France this summer, I’m so excited!
             You: Oh my gosh, that sounds amazing! Where are you staying/what are you planning to see while you’re there/have you ever been before/what made you choose France?

             Friend: I just found out I got a $X bonus!
             You: Hell yeah you did, because you’re awesome! Congratulations! Optional follow up Qs: Are you going to spend it on anything special to celebrate/was it what you expected/how does this impact your career planning

    3. Life is short, just ghost her if you don’t enjoy your time together. You don’t need to justify it. I’d be hurt if my friends were secretly seething at my vacation photos and would rather they slow fade.

       Also maybe just take a vacation?

    4. It’s unclear if this is someone being snobby or if this is just a mismatch and I don’t think it matters. What matters is that you don’t enjoy her company and you are feeling negatively about her or yourself or anything else when you are around her.

       Validation:
       Let’s say she’s the worst person in the world. Fade out.
       Let’s say she’s the best person in the world and this is a you problem. Fade out.

       The details don’t actually matter here; anyone who makes your life less enjoyable and doesn’t pay for your time isn’t someone you’re required to keep in your life.

       How:
       You could be busy for a while when she invites and she’ll stop inviting (holidays or catching up at work or already have plans). If she’s been around enough that you know her husband and she’s met other friends, an outright ghosting might seem strange and she may ask if you are okay. It doesn’t sound like you can fix the gap between your experiences or that you want to try to keep her in your life, so a talk doesn’t seem worthwhile. I’d go with letting calls go to voicemail, responding to texts with how busy you are without details, and letting it fade away. Examples: “Thanks for the invite, busy with holidays through at least mid-January!” then in mid-January if she reaches out to invite you to an event, “Work is crazy busy this quarter, hope you have a blast at the event!” I would be surprised if she reaches out again in April after no real contact for 3-4 months. If she does invite you to join her at something coming up, just be breezy, “Sounds like you’ll have a great time, enjoy!” a few of these over a few months and she’s likely to be done trying with you or she’ll get new habits of hanging out with other people.

       1. Yeah, you get to have whatever dealbreakers you have, and it sounds like you don’t want this friendship any more. So there you have it.

    5. Typically, I don’t think you need to frame not seeing a friend as “ending” a friendship. But I give you permission to not hang out with this friend for a while and reassess later. You don’t have to ghost her either–just respond to texts politely, send a happy holidays/happy birthday text on the occasion, and decline the next couple of invitations to hang out.

       1. This is a good way to look at it. Some friends are “every week” friends and some are “twice a year” friends. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

       2. Right? We are all such busy adults, I have to TRY REALLY HARD to see my friends who I genuinely love at most once per quarter. Not seeing someone I don’t want to see? Not a problem I’ve run into.

    6. Coming back to this because I was focusing on the ask at first and then it got long but it’s making me think more. It really sounds like you either need only friends who are at the same financial level or surface-level people who talk about work only or the one commonality only (like a shared favorite team or activity). It sounds like discussing a bonus or sharing excitement about a trip feels like they are doing this AT you or TO you, which indicates that you’ve got some resentment or envy or frustration or something going on here. It also sounds like you have some real judgmental feelings about someone whose life does not include currently or recently experiencing the financial stress you are feeling and are thus not as updated on the current rental markets or minimum wage rates or other aspects of life that don’t apply to them.

       No one is required to socialize with anyone they don’t want to, I stand by that. I also want to point out (in case it helps you to grow) that everything you shared about what she does or says is typical friendship stuff and you may want to consider why someone else’s successes are causing you these negative feelings before you make new friends so that you don’t end up in similar situations that hurt everyone’s feelings.

       1. I think my frustration with her talking about all these things all the time is that it’s not a two way street and I just sit there like okay good for you. It’s a one sided conversation. Maybe we just don’t have anything in common because this is all she wants to talk about. I have had lots of friends who make more than me, but they don’t feel the need to tell me about their bonuses and company car. I’m very happy when people are successful but we don’t need to go on and on about it every time we meet up. That’s what I think is weird and makes me think she tells me these things on purpose, to make herself feel better, like she’s bragging.

          1. I think people are being a little tough on you. It sounds like she’s bragging. Bragging is bad! If you want to preserve the friendship, what about saying something like, “Friend, I am really so happy for you and all your successes. Sometimes, though, it feels uncomfortable to me when you talk about your lavish vacations and bonuses and finances, because I make a lot less than you do, and I don’t know what you expect me to say in response. I can’t talk about my own lavish vacations and bonuses because I don’t have those things. I love you and support you, but I’d love to find a way to move our conversations away from finances and towards other things.” It would be weird, but frankly, it would be less weird than just doing a slow fade from a friend who has been a good friend for years. And you’ll have more clarity about what is really happening. I am probably the rich friend in your model, and while I really try not to brag, I also want to tell friends about my life, including things like our vacation to Hawaii and our house renovation. I don’t mean it as bragging; I mean it as sharing. If your friend means the same thing, this will help get her head on straight. If she means to brag, you’ll know that and can drop her.

       2. I respect your opinions, but my view is a strong disagree that not talking about $$$ = surface level.

          1. Really? I mean I don’t open the checkbook, but talking about financial matters is the absolute bright line between my close friends and surface friends. And it’s a two way street.

             1. I think this is highly dependent on how you were raised. My parents didn’t ever tell me how much they made until I was in college, and even then it was my dad telling me against my mom’s wishes (and it’s not like we were secretly wealthy or anything, my parents made much less than my friends’ parents did because my dad stayed at home for several years). As a result I am quite private about finances. I don’t like sharing salaries and don’t share with friends when I get raises or bonuses. I celebrate with my husband. I guess my close friends do occasionally share % raises or $ bumps but not total salary, but it all makes me uncomfortable to be honest. And these are close close friends – we share pretty much everything else.

             2. The socialization against talking against money (especially for women) is absolutely part of the reason why women are underpaid. Information is powerful! Finances shouldn’t be taboo

             3. OP here, This is not true in this situation. I’ve spoken with a lot of my colleagues and former colleagues about salary so that we know when we are underpaid. I left a job back in 2019 because one of my good friends who started after me was making more than me. We are still very good friends and talk investment strategies, savings, etc. He just doesn’t brag to me about how great his investments are doing! It’s more matter of fact information about stocks, etc.

    7. I think you should end the friendship because you’re clearly resentful (and I’ll use the word “jealous”) of your friend and that’s not a healthy situation for either of you. No need for a big confrontation, just slow-fade out. Stop returning her messages.Hopefully she’ll make new friends who don’t hate and dread spending time with her.

    8. I’ll be the voice of dissent: I would also find this crass and annoying, and in fact have done a slow fade on a former friend who was always bragging- there are so many other more interesting things in the world to talk about rather than her, her, her!
       Talking/bragging about a big bonus and expenses-paid car would be really weird and off-putting to me. Vacations would be ok as long as it wasn’t the whole conversation.

       1. I’ve mentioned this friend before and the general consensus was to drop her so I’m surprised by all the opposite views but it is helpful to think about!

       2. I agree with you. When an interpretation could go either way, I first try to view it as the OP talking about a real issue and maybe not having the right words. (That was me for most of my life, and the problems were sometimes horrifying.) This friend sounds deliberately obtuse.

       3. Yeah, I don’t quite get the reactions here. I would be very offput by a friend (not in the context of work, like lawyer friends chatting about market bonuses or with a co worker where we know we are all getting bonuses) discussing a bonus. Like I know you get paid, why is this a topic of conversation right now? And I don’t even understand how I would know if a friend had a company car? I guess if I was in the market for a car and wanted a dealer rec? Just seems super weird to me.

          It’s one thing to say “loved our week in Vail – the renovations on our home there are finally done!” (perhaps tone deaf in this context but overall fine) and another to say “so excited to get my bonus this year so I can get those gold bidets for our place in Vail!” (weird).

          1. Just goes to show different strokes. I know what kinds of cars all my bffs drive (and like uh see them when wr gather?), whether they paid cash or financed, even influenced some purchases, and all about everyone’s buying experiences (and service experiences especially when nightmares). There is no chance any of us would not know if someone had a company car.

          2. Op here, it is super weird re the car thing! I have friends who are in the same boat with a company car and they just don’t go on and on about how their company pays for gas and parking etc. Im not annoyed about her telling me these things. It’s the non stop telling me all these things in detail that just gets exhausting and she comes off very out of touch.

    9. I’m intrigued by the multiple people saying OP is jealous. If you were the high earner in this situation, would you talk in detail abut a large bonus to a friend who you know makes significantly less than you? Keeping in mind this does not seem to be a situation where they are in the same industry where financial transparency could potentially be beneficial for OP, etc.

       1. Depends. I wouldn’t out of the blue, but if friend was pressing on how I can afford XYZ, I’d probably mention it for context. Or to semi-rationalize or explain a luxury purchase, like “oh yeah, thank I love this purse, it was my bonus present to myself this year.”

          1. Op here, I’ve never inquired about her salary or bonus or anything she has purchased. I never have to since she always brings it up!

          2. +1. I wouldn’t go on about my finances but I tend to think it’s fairly obvious how affluent someone is based on discussing innocuous things like apartment hunting, new restaurants you tried, whether you’ve seen new plays, whether hobbies include expensive gear, making decisions on kids schooling and childcare etc. Although it’s impossible to tell from the original post, I get the sense that the OP is annoyed if she catches a whiff of her friend “doing better” than her in these type of categories even if the friend is just trying to share what’s going on in my life

             1. Op here. Nope, this is a constant thing with her. There’s a difference between talking about your life and constantly bragging. Like I said, I’ve had friends who made significantly more than me and it was never an issue at all. I’m happy for their house purchases, or luxury vacations etc. She just comes off smug.

             2. OP, I don’t think it matters who’s objectively right and wrong. You clearly don’t like her and want to move on from the friendship, so that’s what you should do.

             3. In that case, I agree it makes sense to create some distance or have an honest conversation about how you prefer to not talk about materialistic things.

             4. “OP, I don’t think it matters who’s objectively right and wrong. You clearly don’t like her and want to move on from the friendship, so that’s what you should do.”

                This X 1 million. OP, I think we get it. You really do not like this person and you do not want to spend any more time with her. So don’t.

    10. You don’t have to be friends with anyone but I’d at least start with telling her that money talk makes you feel bad about your own financial situation. It may be jealousy (and probably is, to some degree) but if it’s end the friendship or try to mend it, I’d try mending it first.

        1. I agree, but it sounds like OP is past the point of wanting to do that.

    11. She’s not being successful AT you. It’s super weird you think her accomplishments are a dig at you rather than just living her best life. If everything money related is off the table what on earth would you even talk about? It seems like you’d be judgy about a fancy yoga studio or any hobby that cost any form of $$$. If I wasn’t allowed to talk about my hobbies or travel I’m not sure what I’d discuss, since I’m not one to gossip and I don’t consume enough media to discuss trendy shows/movies etc.

    12. I feel like the only thing I have to talk about is vacation because I’m always working otherwise. I hope my friends don’t feel this way about me. Yikes.

    13. So I had a friend who reached out to me to tell me that she needed to take a break from our friendship because my life made her feel bad about herself. It was weird and produced a lot of drama and honestly it would have been better if she’d just quietly pulled back without having to make it a Big Pronouncement. What you’re describing sounds to me more like a you problem than a her problem – as someone else put it, she’s not being successful *at* you, and personally I and many of my friends are making a point of talking about salary and bonus more because we think transparency about financial matters is a positive. Like, it’s way better for my friends who are figuring out their post-biglaw options to know that my lifestyle is not based on my (approx) $400k all-in in-house salary; I can afford all this because my husband makes $5 million a year.

        Either way, you’re not happy in this friendship and you have my permission not to continue it. But if you decide to make it A Big Thing then be aware that you may be saying goodbye to this person forever. My friend ultimately came back a year later and apologized for essentially making her insecurity my problem, and we’re friends again but it’s hard for me to shake the idea that someone I knew really well basically started to hate me because I posted on IG about traveling and she knew from LinkedIn that I got a promotion. I actually ended up quitting social media because I didn’t want to be (to put it in Christian terms) a stumbling block for someone else, but, like…I wasn’t being successful AT her and I’ll never feel 100% comfortable with her again.

        1. She wasn’t posting on LinkedIn or Instagram. She was specifically sending me a beach photo while I was not traveling at all due to covid restrictions and I couldn’t afford to get stuck on an island for an extra 3 weeks. She also made a point to tell me all about the new car her company provided and pays all expenses. She went into full detail as if I care about who is paying her gas bill, insurance, maintenance, etc. It was really weird and did feel like she was bragging bc it wasn’t relevant to the conversation. I think if she wasn’t bragging all the time I’d be happy for her. But she’s just annoying at this point!

           1. It sounds like you’re not really looking for permission to “break up” with your friend, but for all of us to pat you on the head and tell you you’re SO RIGHT and your friend is a monster and you should totally just dump her flat, and OMG what a terrible person that friend is and we should all send her mean emails and tell her she’s terrible, etc.

              That isn’t going to happen. No matter how many defenses of your behavior you post. You don’t like this person, clearly and I think it’s extremely questionable that A. you’ve continued to be her “friend” when you feel this way, and B. you’re posting here, dumping all the dirty laundry of the friendship out on the internet. Your friend deserves better than this. So just delete her contact from your phone and move on with your life, already.

    14. I make a pittance as a PhD student and am very happy to hear about my friend’s big law bonus which is more than I ever made (like 70k). I’m happy for her and her $$ does not hurt me!

20. Many people fall into the 1. Definitely want kids or 2. Definitely don’t want kids camps, but for those of you (like myself) that are on the fence, what did you ultimately decide? How do you feel about it now? Appreciate the thoughts.

    1. I knew I wanted kids but did not know if I wanted more than one, because I have a very complicated and not-great history with my only sibling. My husband was on the fence about kids. He is an only child.

       We had one, with the agreement that we would check in with each other when our son was 2 or 3 and see if we wanted to have another. Our son was very high-energy/high-needs, and then we went through the 2008/09 recession with job losses and career changes, etc. and so it wasn’t until he was about 4 that I thought to myself, oh right – we were going to think about having another baby. I honestly just had not thought about it. I asked my husband how he felt, and he said he was fine with just our son and would prefer not to have another. I checked in with myself and realized that I didn’t feel like our family was incomplete, or anything was missing, and so we were one-and-done at that point. The fact that we’d had to go through fertility treatment just to have our son was a significant deciding factor and I don’t want to leave that out – we would definitely have had to go back through treatment to have another, it would not have happened naturally, and neither my husband or I had much appetite for that.

       I think if someone really does not want kids, they should not have even one. However, for people who generally like kids/are open to the idea of kids, and are on the fence, having one child can be a great choice, because most one-child families I know are able to keep a good balance between having a child and having that experience, and not having everything in their lives be about the kids. A lot of the perception of only children as “selfish” or “unable to share” is myth, as proven by research. In the case of my son, I worked his entire childhood and so he had to go to daycare and learned plenty about sharing, and being around other kids, from that experience. He’s well-adjusted and has plenty of friends. Also, it’s cheaper to travel and we’ve traveled a lot with our kid. His college account has plenty of money in it. There are advantages.

       Sometimes I do experience some mild pangs of regret about not having another, but that’s how our cookie crumbled and end of the day, I am glad he is here (because that almost didn’t happen) and I am happy to count my one blessing in that area.

       1. I commented below, but agree that one child is very different than two or more and for me it has been a great balance between experiencing parenthood and still maintaining my pre-kid life. I am an only child and think I’m a happy well-adjusted person and so far my only child appears to be super social and well-adjusted.

       2. Heartily agree about one child. Kids (usually) come one at a time, and, IMHO, that is a good way to plan them: have one, settle in, see how you both feel, decide about having another or not.

          I think people subconsciously believe their choices are either no kids or a minivan full of them. Or they think that #2 has to come along when the first is a young toddler. While busybodies will really turn the screws for you to have a second when your first is one (it is so bizarre and almost pathological), there is nothing wrong with having your second when your first is five, if that’s what you want.

          1. “I think people subconsciously believe their choices are either no kids or a minivan full of them. Or they think that #2 has to come along when the first is a young toddler.”
             Yes, this! So many people seem to forget that it’s possible to just have one or have two very spaced out. It’s weird how people default to two or three kids spaced two or three years apart like that’s the only way to have a family.

    2. Hormones. One day I was like “kids are a hassle” and the next day I was like, I need a downy little baby head on my shoulder RIGHT NOW.

       It was the right decision for me and I don’t regret it for a second. But I think everyone should think carefully about parenthood before committing to it, so good for you!

       1. I’ve never gotten that feeling. I love babies but I know how all consuming they are. I was always on the fence and at this point in my life, I’d rather not put my body through that and the lifestyle doesn’t appeal to me. I’m very happy to be childless! There is no right or wrong here. I think also depends on circumstances. Do you have a partner who feels strongly one way or the other? Would you be willing to undo fertility treatments if necessary?

       2. I never had that feeling but had one anyway and am happy about it.

       3. I love holding and bouncing baby nephews and nieces. Those hormones are strong. I also love knowing that I get to go home soon when the toddlers screech. I used to be absolutely sure that I’d be a mother one day, then moved to on the fence and now am content not to have kids. I spend a lot of time with my relatives and friends and their kids. Being a supportive aunt is fulfilling but also has been instrumental in confirming my decision, and has made me surer over time.

       4. I had that feeling when I was like 20 and it was obviously terrible timing to have a baby. It subsided after a couple years. Now I’m 38 and the feeling has never come back. Sometimes I wonder if I missed my window.

          1. Same with me.

             Definitely imagined myself with kids when I was a teenager and loved nannying. Feeling less clucky in my 30’s and now I’m in my mid 40’s I’m glad I don’t have my own kids.

    3. I was firmly no kids until I met my husband, then was on the fence. I honestly mostly did it because I didn’t want to deprive him of the opportunity to be a father. It probably wasn’t the best reason, but it’s worked out well. I really love my kid and being a mom, but I also don’t build my identity around her and I think I would have had a happy life without kids which seems to be an unpopular opinion among moms. We stopped with one child, so my life is less kid-centric than many parents’. I’m an only child myself and never had any desire for a second kid and (with the exception of ages 2-3) have enjoyed my kid more as she gets older. There was a big discussion about ideal age for having kids here a while ago, but I was 34 when I had my kid and do not regret waiting until then at all. I do not think I was ready to become a mom in my 20s or early 30s and I think I would have resented my kid if I’d had her younger. I was married for a long time and had time to travel, etc. with DH before having a kid and I think that made me a much happier parent.

       1. This is almost exactly my experience except I had mine at 33 and 38.

          I’d also add that I’ve had the resources to parent really comfortably, including young local grandparents, an easy job, top notch daycare and the ability to stay home if I wanted. I think it’s made parenthood a lot easier and more fun and that’s something worth acknowledging.

          1. Yep, all of this is true for me too and agree they are important factors (and unfortunately not necessarily knowable ones in advance – I know many people who moved to be near family counting on help from them, and then didn’t get the help they were hoping for).

       2. I absolutely love my son. Had we not been able to have him, I would still have lived a happy and full life. My biggest nightmare is something happening to him. Had I never met my husband or had fertility not worked out for us, we would still figure out how to have a good, rich life.

       3. I am similar. I was ambivalent about kids, and knew I could be perfectly happy without any. But I knew my husband would be an amazing father and really wanted kids. And he is.
          My daughter is 3 months old and he has quit to be a stay at home parent. And of course I love her, and our little family and I’m looking forward to seeing her grow up. I don’t know if we will have another child, I’m still ambivalent about it, but we have a few years to see.

    4. I leaned toward no kids so I never actively pursed that option, but I didn’t rule it out. Life just happened more easily without kids. Husband and I are in our 50s now and no regrets.

    5. Read the C-moms page to get an idea of what it’s really like to have a kid. I am single and childfree, but popped over there a couple of times to look for gift ideas for relatives. I read some of the posts and it was rather eye-opening and frankly made me happy with my current state.

       1. Eh people vent anonymously on the internet, and it’s a resource for people to seek help with problems they’re having. No one posts the good things because it would read as smug/unnecessary in a forum where people are seeking advice. I don’t think it’s representative of how most people feel about motherhood.

          1. Correct. The moms page can be useful but on the few times people have discussed how much they love parenting, they get a lot of heat for it. Definitely more of a place to vent

             1. Yeah, I read there but never post because if you say “I love my kids, think my husband is pretty awesome, and generally enjoy motherhood” it feels like people think you’re being happy AT them.

    6. I was on the fence leaning no until I met my husband who very much wanted kids and is a wonderful father. I am happy I had kids, they add a lot of joy, satisfaction and purpose to my life in ways I wouldn’t have expected.

       It’s for sure an unpopular opinion (at least to say out loud) but like the poster above I also think I would have been happy without kids. My life would be very different in both positive and negative ways but I am a firm believer in making your own happiness and think I could find ways to be happy in almost any scenario.

       Not being so firmly in the I want kids camp I think honestly made me a happier mom in a weird way. For one, since I wasn’t firmly in the kid camp, it was very clear in my marriage that my husband would be a hands on parent and the primary care giver. I enjoy my career (it helps it pays a lot) and absolutely refused to be the default parent. My husband was and is on board with this. There are still a ton of mom challenges but a lot of the complaints I hear from moms don’t totally resonate with me (for example, it is assumed that if our nanny is out sick that my husband is the one taking a day off to be with the kids, not me). Also since I was on the fence, I did a lot of research/hanging out with parents to get a sense of what parenting today looks like. Going in eyes wide open I think made it easier (even though you really can’t prepare that much, kids will always throw you for a loop). Finally, I think one of the worst parts of being a mom today is all the social pressures and what I call performative parenting. I have a pretty thick skin and a very short list of peoples opinions I care about which also helps. I get a lot of judgment I just ignore and it drives me up the wall that my husband basically gets a parade for doing normal parenting stuff (taking kids to the pediatrician, volunteering at school, etc) but I can’t fix the patriarchy so I do my best to laugh it off and hope the example we are setting for our kids showing an example of not traditional gender roles contributes in some small way to dismantling it.

       If I didn’t have such a hands on/supportive partner, I probably would have stayed in the No camp.

       1. Agree with all this, although I don’t have a big job that pays a lot. But my husband was the one who wanted kids more strongly and has always been an equal partner and even more of the default parent role and I think that’s made things infinitely more enjoyable for me. So many women I know have husbands who are just really checked out and their lives are so hard.

       2. A big +1 to having kids with the right partner. My husband is a great dad and a true 50/50 parent, and I couldn’t have done it any other way.

          1. Yes, absolutely, I also cannot emphasize this enough. Do not have a child, even one, with a man-baby who is not a grown-up and will not take on equal responsibility (or will grudgingly take on responsibility and then express resentment). Even though my husband was the one on the fence about kids, once I was pregnant he was all-in and went to all my appointments with me, went to a “parenting infants” class with me, went to almost all the pediatrician visits (and handled some on his own when I wasn’t able to be there). He did the pick-up at daycare all 5 years our son was there and did some of the drop-offs too, one year when I was really busy and working for a demanding boss. Who would stay home with the sick child (or pick up from school/daycare) was always a conversation about who had bandwidth to do it, never an assumption.

             My husband and I have struggled with some of the basic household/life maintenance division-of-labor stuff over the years (mostly worked out now) but when it came to our son, he was in it all the way and I never had to worry. Just the other day, my son was in an event at his high school, I was out of town at mandatory training, and my husband left work early so he could be there at the event. I never could have done what I did professionally or personally without a strong co-parent. This is an area where I think if someone is having doubts about their partner stepping up, think hard. My perspective is that if I was going to be a married single parent – like some of my friends – I would just ditch the dead weight and be a full-on single parent, rather than have to deal with an actual child and an adult child.

       3. This is why I am one and done. I thought my husband would be a very different father than what he is. He’s fine, but the bulk of parenting falls on me, which is fine in the “it is what it is” frame of mind, but largely solo (not single parenting but being the default, hands-on parent) to two or more would be too much for me.

          That and I had a fairly rough delivery and postpartum period. Everyone said I would forget about that and nearly six years later, I for sure have not forgotten about it and am not eager to do it again.

          I’m currently in counseling figuring out how to navigate this dynamic with my husband – can it be fixed and how? – but between that, my age, and past experience with delivery and PP, I am firmly one-and-done.

          1. Who the (expletive) says that you will “forget” a rough pregnancy, delivery, sn postpartum? I had a hellish pregnancy that I have not fully recovered from, and kiddo is almost three. There is nothing magical about pregnancy that makes the experience forgettable.

    7. i have kids and i love them and always knew i wanted to be a mom, but if i wasn’t totally sure i dont think i would do it. if you think you don’t want them because you are scared – i can tell you that every person i know who wanted kids and has them has also felt scared at times by the incredible responsibility of becoming a parent. i love my kids, i find a lot of joy in them and the parenting journey and would feel less complete without them, but it is also a lot of work, exhausting, expensive, and unpredictable. you have to be willing to leap into the unknown because you never know what issues your child might have (and I have yet to hear of any human being who has never had any issues). i can’t imagine doing all of this if i didn’t know i wanted it. granted there are people who end up accidentally pregnant and have their kid and it works out wonderfully for them

    8. I had no interest in having kids until about age 35 when I thought we should probably decide one way or the other. Up until then I was busy working on my career, getting an advanced degree, having fun with my husband and friends, traveling.

       Was not sure about it at all, but decided to try and see what happens, leaving it up to “fate”. Even the day my daughter was born I remember still being unsure if this was the right thing for me. Turns out it definitely was the right thing and I ended up having a second daughter at 40. Things would have been fine if we didn’t have kids, nothing was missing, but they added so much to our life and I am very happy to have had them. They add thunderstorms to our life, but they also add so much sunshine! Early on when I was trying to decide someone said to me that they might regret having kids, but they would regret not having them more, and that resonated with me.

    9. I was on the fence, then all my friends started having babies and they’re so cute and precious I started to lean towards yes. I am also worried about the state of the world, especially with regard to climate change, and I read somewhere that if climate change is enough to dissuade you from having kids, you probably didn’t want kids in the first place. That’s what made me realize I am a firm no.

       After deciding I definitely don’t want kids, I started feeling completely free. That’s how I know it’s the right decision for me.

       I also read Motherhood by Sheila Heti which speaks to this struggle.

21. Took me a second to realize that was a blazer and not a flannel shirt.

    1. Ha! took a glimpse a “the shirt ” and only now because of your comment realized it is a blazer

Comments are closed.