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Updated: Feb 21, 2024 397 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Twisted Twill Tweed Cropped Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman wearing a blue blazer, floral top, and blue denim pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

If you are someone who wears blazers to the office on a regular basis and you don’t occasionally take a peek at Talbots, I’m here to tell you that you’re missing out. This light blue cropped tweed jacket is my favorite of the new arrivals, but there’s also a gorgeous kelly green tweed and a beautiful navy blue with contrast trim.

I also appreciate the commitment to size inclusivity, as almost all of these come in misses, plus, and petite, and some are even available in the hard-to-find plus-petite range.

The blazer is $199–$219 and comes in misses sizes 2–18, plus sizes 14–24, and petite sizes 0–16. Today you can get 25% off your entire purchase!

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    I’m trying a new fitness plan that asks for me to do cardio or strength. What are things like backpacking — would it be OK to think of them as strength? I’m realizing that many of my activities are gray (and that we are encouraged not to count things like tennis because it is too much stop and start but to go for a quick run instead). Swimming for me feels like arm strength training because I’m not fast and have a weak upper body. Ditto ropes courses. I’m also realizing that after decades of office work, I’m out of shape in every category, especially after having kids (and just having less free time) and being much older.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like the fitness plan is a defined box, and that many things in your life don’t fit it. Is there a reason you need to conform to that box? Or can you just take from the plan what’s beneficial to you and ignore the parts that don’t fit you?

    • anon

      I define strength training as an activity whose sole purpose is to force the muscles to contract for an extended time. There has to be resistance involved.

      I agree that there is some gray area. For example, I run, and I think hills count as free strength training because I wanna die while doing them, ha!

    • Mpls

      Cardio is what gets your heart rate up for extended time. Strength training is doing resistance training, usually to failure, to promote muscle growth. there’s going to be a lot of things that have a combination of things, but unless you are purposefully picking up heavy things and putting them down (kettlebells, barbells, dumbells, cable machines, etc.), it’s probably going to end up on the cardio side?

      Backpacking seems more like cardio to me? You are making the cardio harder by adding weight, but it’s a static weight, and you aren’t trying to move it until you can’t anymore? But it’s not like you won’t strength what you can do over time – it just won’t be as fast as if you were focused on just lifting weights.

      Swimming is totally more cardio than strength training, but again, you will probably develop some strength from the act of swimming – it just won’t be as fast as doing dedicated weight training.

      • Anon

        Not the OP, but backpacking for me sure does feel like trying to move the backpack until I can’t anymore 😂 It’s so hard!! I personally would consider it strength training/functional fitness. Many of the motions, such as picking the pack up off the ground and putting it on your back, mimic what you would find in a CrossFit class.

      • Anon

        As an old and out of shape people, I don’t to anything to “failure.” I do what I can really feel creates an effort and then quit while I’m ahead. Sometimes I will do 5 minutes of squats before work and maybe 10 later, with lots of stretching. Ditto dumbbell curls. But at this point in my life, injury and excess soreness is a real thing and better avoided IMO. It’s easy for me to overdo anything now, which is humbling.

        • anon

          Don’t feel bad. I am in good cardio shape, and I still find it VERY easy to overdo it on the strength training front. The idea of lifting heavy has … not worked out for me. To the point where I completely agree that it’s better to quit while I’m ahead and just try to do light resistance training more often.

      • Anon

        OP here — I wouldn’t say “discourages,” because it encourages activities. It’s more like it wants to do some focused and specific things. I don’t think that’s bad, but it’s eye opening to me how much I’ve let go from when I was much younger.

        • anon

          Late to the game here but, no, I think that’s bad. You need to move your body in a way that makes you happy and sustainable. If that’s tennis or hiking with a backpack, then it absolutely “counts”.

    • Anon

      I think the best fitness plan will include exercise you’ll actually enjoy and do. If that’s tennis, then do it!

        • Anon

          I love tennis, but tell me how to have better luck finding similar people who can plan in the evening. I feel like the only working woman in my city sometimes b/c everything is during the day. I’m almost old enough to feel like it will just be clinics until I retire (and then I want to still be in shape to plan tennis — so much sprinting! and the clothes are cute!).

          • anon

            I used to play a lot of tennis, although very badly, and there were these things called “flex leagues” that set you up to play singles or doubles with other women at times that you mutually arranged. There was an evening league, a weekend league, a weekday league, etc.

    • Anon

      Backpacking and swimming are not strength training, although obviously they are good for you and will make you stronger. If consider both “endurance” training, which is a bit different than cardio in that muscle fatigue may play a bigger role in your training than cardio if you are reasonably fit.

      Strength training is lifting and hinge that are heavy enough that you need to focus on the fact that they are heavy, IMO.

      • Anonymous

        +1 this. Strength training = weights. or some kind of CrossFit situation where you’re lifting heavy random stuff. But weights for the low hanging fruit.

        I would absolutely count swimming laps and tennis as cardio. Personally I also count hikes/tread hikes as cardio, but my cardio bar is fairly expansive and low since I hate traditional cardio like running and biking.

    • Anons

      Strength training means lifting heavy weights to build muscle. Swimming, backpacking and so on are good things, but they aren’t muscle-building. If you’ve never done real strength training before, I’d recommend looking at content by Casey Johnston (Ask a Swole Woman), Jason and Lauren Pak, or Marcus Filly – they all have a ton of free information on their websites. You might also check out the Peloton app, which is very inexpensive for the app-only and has weight training, plus HardCoreontheFloor (also free) which is a user-created, free strength template adding on to Peloton

    • Anonymous

      I agree with the comments above that the activities you mention are not strength training, but I feel like people have overlooked bodyweight exercises that are. There are a lot of equipment and weight- free exercises that just use your bodyweight as resistance. I am 50 and love lifting heavy. I’d recommend it to anyone. But I get that not everyone feels that way, and it can feel intimidating (and hard!) getting started.

    • anecdata

      Honestly, I think of backpacking as which gives out faster – am I slowing down at the top of the hill because I feel like I need to catch my breath, or because my legs don’t work anymore. And if I’m training for backpacking, I’ll add more dedicated exercises on whichever felt weaker last time. Through my life it’s varied

  2. Anon

    Can anyone speak to their experience with lash lifts/extensions or brow lamination? I’m interested in these because I’d like to spend less time getting ready in the morning, but I’m wondering if they are worth the money and the upkeep appointments.

    • Anon

      I’m relatively fair and was perfectly content with just lash dye (looks like I’m wearing mascara for weeks). But if your lashes are already very dark, maybe it would be less impactful.

    • Anon

      I’ve done lash extensions and lifts. I didn’t think the lift/curl was worth the money but loved the extensions. The only downside is if you get them in the summer and are swimming at the pool/beach they can be uncomfortable.

    • anon

      I’ve never seen brow lamination that didn’t look ridiculous, so I’d definitely say it’s not worth the money!

    • anonymous

      I’ve done all three. My .02, brow lamination and lash lifts aren’t worth the hassle but lash extensions are fantastic. I have straight hair so brow lamination did nothing for me. A lash lift takes as long as extensions and you don’t get the same wow factor. For lashes, I go for volume not length so they look natural and like I am wearing perfect mascara. They last about 3 weeks looking great. I enjoy the process, I just take a nap. It’s also easy to skip and push off if you tire of it. I get it before trips, big meetings or events, so not all the time but not infrequently either.

    • Cat

      I’ve been thrilled with my results from Revitalash – one quick swipe each day and most days I don’t need to bother with mascara.

      • Anon

        Do you get redness on your eyelid? I used Latisse and my lashes were amazing – they actually got too long! – but my lids were red for the duration and I found it so unattractive I gave it up.

        • Cat

          At my lash line there’s a tiny bit of darkening but it’s barely noticeable without makeup and invisible with a swipe of neutral shadow.

    • Anon

      I did lash extensions for awhile and loved them. But my eyelashes are really fine and person who did them told me to stop, the weight of the lashes were damaging my real lashes.

    • No Face

      I love my lash extensions. I learned how to tint my eyebrows at home. Most mornings I just put on tinted moisturizer and I’m good to go.

  3. Anonymous

    Is there such a things as a cool fannypack? Headed to a beach vacation soon and plan to spend hours walking the beaches. Have a little more to carry than can fit in pockets, and don’t want a backpack , so I think that means the dreaded fannypack. Can one of you fashionistas can save me from my boomer self by suggesting something that isn’t ….awful?

  4. nuqotw

    Just venting – I got pneumonia. I’m improving rapidly on antibiotics but I’m still so so tired and I’m still so so behind on everything.

    • anon

      Oh, I am so sorry! That sounds miserable. Rest up, and I hope you feel better soon.

    • Anon

      If it is any comfort, my 20 yo athlete son also recently got pneumonia after the flu. Antibiotics cleared it up, and he only missed one day of practice. Possibly he should have taken more, but but point is that, once the abx kicked in, he was very quickly at close to full strength.

      • Anonymous

        Bacterial pneumonia is usually less than 13% of cases (some folks put at even closer to 5%). Vast majority of times it’s viral or even can be fungal. It’s typically not something you can just antibiotic away.

        • nuqotw

          I already failed two courses of steroids and was actively getting sicker. The doctor said it was time to see if I improved on antibiotics.

          • Anonymous

            My husband just had pneumonia that the hospital originally missed. It was getting worse after a few weeks. He improved within 36 hours of starting antibiotics after weeks of illness. Good luck!

        • Nesprin

          Yes, but the fastest way to test whether it’s bacterial pneumonia is treating with antibiotics and when it is bacterial pneumonia withholding antibiotics is incredibly dangerous.

      • Anon.

        Going back to practice so soon is dangerous. Google cardiomyopathy. Which doctor or coach in their right mind is ok with someone with pneumonia training after 1 day of rest only?

        • Anon

          The team doctor cleared him, but go ahead-you treat him over the internet. I’m sure you are more qualified than the doctor who actually saw him.

          • Anonymous

            You’re the one presenting the scenario of one day off as an expectation. It needs to be pointed out that it can be life-threatening.

          • Anon

            Or the team doctor has a conflict of interest or simply lacks relevant expertise? (Some team doctors are orthopedists, right?)

          • Anon

            I would NEVER let my child be “treated” by a team doctor. Are you kidding me?

    • LizzieBennet

      Ugh, I once had pneumonia and pinkeye at the same time and it was the most miserable I’ve ever been.
      I hope you start feeling better soon.

    • Of Counsel

      I am so sorry! You did not ask for advice, but learn from my mistakes: I tried to push through and went back to work way too soon (because I had soooo much to do). I ended up relapsing and was sicker the second time than the first and end up taking twice as long to recover on stronger antibiotics. I know it is hard, but be sure you rest and ramp back up slowly.

      • anon

        I’ll second that it’s well worth taking it easy and not trying to resume a regular schedule too soon.

      • Anon

        Agree with this. Last time I had pneumonia, it took months before I could breathe normally and my cough went away completely (I was also an active college student at the time, though I do have asthma). I hope you feel better faster than that!

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry. My sympathies. I think pneumonia was the sickest I’ve ever felt in my life. Take good care.

    • Nesprin

      That’s miserable and you’ll take more time to recover than seems fair. Rest, drink your fluids + electrolytes and keep a pulse oximeter handy to make sure you’re not desaturating.

  5. Anon

    I know that in many places you can get Narcan to carry in aid of others (like not just for yourself). Why aren’t Epipens treated the same way? I just updated my CPR, WFA, and epipen training. Every group that my kids and I are in has a person with some severe allergy who is supposed to have their own epipen and I think after bandaids, that’s what I’d want to have in hand (vs narcan). Is there a medical or legal reason why one is treated so differently than the other? I’m not a medical person, just a frequent hiker and camper.

    • Shananana

      If you use Narcan and don’t need it, there are no major concerns on side effects. It is also usually an inhalable mist that goes in the nose, so few concerns on injecting wrong and most people can administer with little to no training. If you give an epi pen to someone who doesn’t need it, you are supposed to call poison control. Also, needles increase the chances of a misdelivered dose if someone is untrained.

      That said, they should both be free.

      • Nesprin

        +1 epinephrine is dangerous and even after someone’s been treated with an epi pen they’ll still need careful management – it’s still a call an ambulance sort of situation.

    • anonMD

      My suspicion is that because epipens are much more expensive (although they shouldn’t be!) and they technically expire after 1-2 years it is harder to get your hands on them. I recently was camping with my family and my brother-in-law had an anaphylactic reaction to a bee sting. I didn’t have an epipen and have never wanted one more! He ended up being okay. After that I saw my PCP and asked for a prescription for an epipen, I told her that I would pay cash for it if my insurance didn’t cover it. She sent the prescription and to my surprise it WAS covered by my insurance! Now it comes with me for every wilderness adventure. You could try something similar. The other thing to keep in mind is that adult dosing and children’t dosing is different so you may want to consider who you would be primarily treating. In a true anaphylactic emergency I wouldn’t hesitate to give any dose of epinephrine I had.

      • Anon

        Same, but I’d hate to be in the position of being somewhere with a bunch of kids and one needing it and another one having one. It’s not quite Sophie’s Choice, but not good. FWIW, I have no idea if I am allergic to bee stings (never been stung) and I’m imagining that most of this stuff you learn about only the hard way (so if you are hiking, you are likely SOL).

        For poison, I think you’d die of a bee sting faster than it would take you go get appropriate medical care from an un-needed Epipen stick, so the true downside risk here seems to not have an Epipen and need one. And IDK that an expired Epipen would be bad compared to no Epipen at all — it could be less effective but surely beats nothing (and I think would be unlikely to be so expired as to be poisonous or more dangerous than not having one and needing one). IIRC, we trust grade school kids to carry them (maybe by middle school) and I haven’t heard of them being misused or being used in horseplay that goes sideways.

        • Anon

          Bee sting reactions are progressive. Even if you’re allergic, normally you don’t go into anaphylactic shock the first time. You’d have a mild reaction the first time and know to more careful in the future.

          • Anon

            I heard of a camp situation where one kid had something he said was a peanut and was tormenting an allergic kid with it. IDK if he had it (no one searches kids on the way in) but it was so troubling to hear about it.

          • Anon

            Come on, nobody gets stung by bees on purpose. Unless by “be more careful” you mean something like “stop beekeeping,” you should know you sound like an insurance company denying coverage to somebody’s Epipen on the “just don’t get stung by a bee” rationale.

          • Anon

            My elderly grandfather had never had an issue with individual stings until the time in his 80s he stepped on a ground wasp hive. He was stung hundreds of times before help could drive the wasps away. From that point on had to carry an epi with him, as even a single sting was then enough to send him into shock. It’s not so clear a situation as you make it out to be in your comment.

          • Anon

            I didn’t mean “avoid getting stung by bees,” I meant, you can carry an Epipen once you know you’re allergic to bees. The first time you get stung the reaction is very unlikely to be life-threatening, and in the future you know you have a bee allergy and can take appropriate measures.

            Getting stung hundreds of times by wasps is different, and can be life-threatening even if you don’t have an allergy.

      • Anonymous

        When I was a camp counselor, we carried epipens in our first aid kits for exactly this reason; food allergies were less rampant back then. A lot of kids would come to camp never having been stung by a bee before, or maybe only once, and it is dangerous to find out you are very, very allergic when backpacking or on a long hike. This happened to a friend of mine when we were still campers on a 3 day backpacking trip, before the staff started carrying epipens, and they just loaded her up on oral benadryl. Luckily that was enough, but she was prescribed her own epipen after that.

        • Anon

          OP on this — that is my mental compromise — I have single-packs of benadryl pills that I carry. They expire! So I check periodically and replace. Ditto pain meds and chewable aspirin (and, I think, quickclot).

          Things I’ve actually used: bandaids, pain meds, SAM split, ACE wrap, instant cold packs, insect sting wipes.

          • Anon

            A coworker was carrying Benadryl in her purse for this reason when someone tried shellfish for the first time and reacted! Thankfully first time reactions aren’t always as severe, so it really helped.

          • Anonymous

            Try the quick dissolve reactine instead – benedryl isn’t recommended as a first line medication anymore because it can make people sleepy and mask more serious symptoms.

          • Anon

            Thank you for the tip about reactine! I am learning so much to look up from this thread.

      • Anon

        How much are they? $80 in Australia. I keep vials of adrenaline, five for around $28.

    • Anon

      As someone who has an epipen for a bee sting allergy, they’re super annoying to carry. They expire after a year, and they’re temperature sensitive, so you can’t ever leave them in the car unless the weather is absolutely perfect (not too hot or too cold), so they might not trust random people to handle them carefully enough that they’d actually work when you needed them. Plus they’re crazy expensive, so handing them out to people who don’t actually need them is probably cost prohibitive.

      • Anon

        A counterpoint is that we have several AEDs on each floor at work (they truly seem everywhere now, which is great). They are $$$ and have to be serviced regularly (along with our other medical supplies). We live where EMT response times are fast (5 minutes, but getting through building security would take 10, not good!), so it’s not a big deal on a daily basis. But in a remote area, EMT response times are 30-60 minutes if you have phone service.

        • Anon

          AEDs are amazing. If you’re ever in a position to use one, don’t be intimidated – most of them have recorded instructions that walk you through the entire process.

          • Anon

            I just took a class and now they say to skip the shaving part — IIRC, my first class went into a lot of detail about male chest hair removal (I had no ideal). Now, they were just “slap the pads on and go.”

      • Anon.

        Based on a recommendation here a while ago, I got a prescription for the Auvi-Q epinephrine injector as an alternative to the EpiPen brand. Auvi-Q is a different size and shape, more like a Tic Tac container, and fits into my lap belt easier than this bulky long pen (which is important for me as a runner).

        You can check on the Auvi-Q website for information, I have a high deductible health plan and my pharmacy plan covered emergency epinephrine in any form, so the doctor just called in the prescription with the online pharmacy that Auvi-Q recommends using, and with the manufacturer rebates it came out cheaper than the original brand pen ($150 vs. $250 for 2 pens). The injection device also has an automated recording that is activated upon opening the pen, which guides the user through the steps of injection. Apparently it was originally developed for kids, but I was very impressed how user friendly and foolproof it seems to be!

      • Anonymous

        Too hot is big problem but too cold unless they have actually frozen is not that much of an issue. DH is a scientist and did a lot of reading through all the relevant studies. Expiry and length of continued efficacy thereafter is also exaggerated. He thinks Epipen puts too much emphasis on temperature. We still follow the ‘rules’ to be safe but we also live in Canada were they are $100 a pop and insurance covers 80%. I hate that people are not using or throwing out likely perfectly good Epipens because the company sets the rules not a neutral regulator.

    • Anon

      I posted this below, but it seems worth repeating.

      The concern with old Epipens is that they may not be as effective once they have expired (which is not great if you are depending on the dose to save a life). And even fresh, they are not without complications if administered to someone for whom the active ingredients is contraindicated.

      • Anon

        The active ingredient is epinephrine, no? Basically just adrenaline in medical form. I’m just an accountant, but if you can’t take epinephrine for anaphalaxis, you would seem to be in grave trouble. IDK what else you’d be administered, but it woudn’t be an epipen at that point.

        I’m now wishing that I could go to a legit first aid course. There is a LOT I do not know and at this point I probably wouldn’t be comfortable with trying to help anyone beyond calling 911.

        • Anon

          See the post below for an example. If it’s injected into a finger accidentally, you can cut off blood flow and lose the finger. If someone with heart issues gets it they could have a heart attack, which would still be a problem if given by a medical professional, but then would be treated immediately. Plus there’s always the chance that they didn’t need it in the first place because they don’t actually have an anaphylactic reaction. Random accountants with no first aid training probably shouldn’t be injecting epinephrine into people unless they actually know for sure what anaphylaxis looks like. Definitely take a first aid class!

          • Anon

            And to clarify, obviously you should give an epipen to someone with a known allergy, the tricky part is when it’s someone who hasn’t previously reacted and you don’t actually know what anaphylaxis looks like. You don’t do it just because there are hives or localized swelling, for example.

          • Anon

            I get some symptoms of anaphylaxis but have no true allergies; my body just doesn’t work right. I would not appreciate a well intended Epipen injection when having an episode since I’ve never needed it yet.

          • Anon

            FWIW, IIRC that you inject an epipen into a thigh. Why you’d try in a finger, which is bony, I have no idea.

            And randomly injecting someone is . . . assault, no? Definitely some sort of actual crime. It is not a basic given that you need consent from a conscious person to do anything, even if meant helpfully? I would not tough a stranger, much less administer an injection, to anyone absent a clear invitation to do so.

          • travel_mug

            People definitely stab with the wrong end and accidentally inject their own thumbs or fingers on the regular.

    • Anon

      The epipen has more potential risks. I have serious insect allergies. I got stung by fire ants and a friend was trying to give me my epi. She held it wrong and it injected into her hand. She ended up with nerve damage in her hand and I ended up in an ambulance.

      • Anon

        I am sorry that that happened. I guess every item has a risk of misuse and abuse (knives, which people also frequently bring camping, OTC-level medicines). I know one person who lost the use of a knuckle from a backyard accident with a saw (which is minor — he lives a normal life otherwise but was rejected from a service academy because of it). IDK where to draw the line. I’d be interested in what a tort / med mal lawyer would think of all this.

      • Anon

        Why would someone administer an epipen to someone else who isn’t an adult? I would really never do it for someone else unless it was a small kid who was too nervous to do it on his or her own. Like the people who need one have been trained and told how to do this and as a bystander, I wouldn’t feel comfortable for a conscious adult. But she had to hold it hella wrong to inject herself (and it wasn’t the pen in that case, but the force).

        • Anon.

          If you hold the EpiPen the wrong way round, you can inject yourself as the one trying to administer it.

          • Anon

            This seems like someone who seems to be completely untrained to do what was requested (and no one caught this until it was too late). You can get certified to administer an Epipen on someone else. This seems like bad judgment and lack of training vs a reason to limit their availability.

        • Anon

          I think a lot of them are auto-injectors (I don’t know if they’re spring loaded or what, but they’re not all manual).

        • Anon

          My friend did it because I was on the verge of anaphylactic shock and not exactly coherent.

        • Anonymous

          They are very easy to administer. There’s a little pictogram on the side that show how to do it. And the Allerject one actually has an automated voice that says the two steps. It’s way easier than an AED.

          Anaphylaxis can frequently result in symptoms that make it impossible to self administer – in my daughter’s case her blood pressure will usually drop so low that she will either pass out or be unable to remove it from the case and administer.

      • Anonymous

        This is exceptionally unusual with newer epi pens. There is literally a pictogram on the side that shows how to do it. And the Allerject one tells you the steps. It’s significantly easier than AED and not harder than naxolone injections.

        • Anon

          Injectable naloxone is only used in healthcare settings. The types available for lay users are intranasal (no needles for those).

    • anon

      No view on Epipens, but I do want to encourage people to look into the availability of Narcan in your state. In my state it is OTC and my insurance covered it 100%. We decided it was worth keeping in the house given that we have teenagers – a kid in a neighboring school died of a fentanyl overdose after taking what he thought was black-market adderall.

      • Anon

        The fentalyl thing is so scary. Would narcan help with that (vs just a regular narcotics OD)? My lay understanding is that a minute speck of fentanyl can kill you and that narcan is formulated for regular OD of non-fentanyl narcotics.

        • Anon

          Yes, it will reverse a fentanyl overdose, and fentanyl is a regular (albeit strong) narcotic. It is fairly common in medical contexts, not just a street drug.
          Fentanyl outside of a medical environment is bad stuff, especially because it’s cut into other drugs and people take it unaware, but there’s also a lot of misinformation out there (ie someone touched a powder containing fent and it somehow went through their skin…. it doesn’t work like that). Narcan is absolutely effective at reversing an OD containing fentanyl, though depending on how much someone took (of any opiate), they may need to be re-dosed. That’s why it’s important to get them to medical care even if the Narcan appears to have been effective.

        • Anon

          The whole “a speck will kill you” is fear-mongering initially blown far out of proportion by people with an agenda. Fentanyl is routinely used in surgical settings (I have personally had it administered to me, as has my child). Both of us had it while undergoing outpatient surgery, and came through just fine.

          • Anon

            I’m just wondering — what is the agenda and who are the people? I’ve seen it on billboards but also heard in the new that many first responders here and there have needed to receive first aid for fentanyl exposure.

          • Anon

            It’s pushed by groups who want a charging difference between fent and other opiates (like how crack and cocaine were separated in the 80s, when there’s no diff except that crack was primarily used by black folks).
            It’s also pushed by police unions who want reasons to point to for an officer’s behavior/reaction beyond that the guy or gal just had a panic attack.

          • Anon

            I think the agenda is to characterize police overdoses as accidental and not as the result of intentional use.

          • Anonymous

            Would love to see some sources on this, Anon at 11:45/1:04/1:36, because it sounds like you might have the agenda here …

    • Anonys-y

      Talk to your doctor and see if they will write a prescription. I keep bees, and while I’m not allergic myself, you never know when you or somebody at the house might suddenly find out they have developed a severe reaction. My doctor has no problem whatsoever writing a script so I always have an EpiPen in the house (and the cost is normal co-pay).

    • anon

      With those qualifications, you would qualify for the right to carry an Epipen as a Good Samaritan in California! Your training organization can give you the details of where to send off you certificates for the official public health prescription that’ll let you buy one.

      That said, the California program doesn’t change the price, which is out of reach for most people who would like to carry an Epipen just in case someone other than them needs help. I wish Epipens were more affordable.

  6. Ifiknew

    cross posting

    my daughter broke her pinky finger on the playground this last weekend and she’s having surgery tomorrow to put two pins in it and the pins will be removed in three weeks. has anyone had a surgery like this? I’m concerned if the pinky will look and go back to normal after the few weeks. surgeon seemed to feel confident about the outcomes but would love to hear any anecdata.. thank you!

    • anon

      My husband broke a finger and had pins put in. It did pretty much go back to normal, but not immediately after the pins come out. He had lost some strength and mobility in it, and it took a few months for that to come back. His hand also looked a little gross immediately after the pins came out just from having been bandaged for weeks—lots of dead, dry skin, etc.

    • Anon

      Unless she’s a hand model, her pinky will look like a normal finger and its appearance will not affect the rest of her life.

      I would assume the surgeon who has actually seen the break can accurately assess function. That person is an expert on the patient and the surgery, so the confidence is a good sign.

    • Anon

      When I broke a bone in my foot they wanted to do surgery within the week, saying that the bones begin to mend quickly and that they need to get in there and align them before they do. The implication was that they begin to heal very quickly. And I’m Old. So long as you’re seeing a reputable Orthopoedic surgeon on this I would trust what they say.

    • LizzieBennet

      I broke my pinky as a teen and it’s still kinda messed up, but has zero impact on my daily life. I think your surgeon probably knows their stuff and she won’t end up with a Denzel Washington-situation.

    • Anon

      Yes, I had this done on my middle finger (the bone was not just broken, but the tip of the finger was partially amputated, yuck). The healing process was as expected and I had the pins removed in 3 weeks. No long term cosmetic impacts. I still have a tiny bit of lingering numbness, but I think that’s due to the nail bed injury, not the broken bone. Best wishes to you and your daughter.

    • anon

      I had this exact thing done when I was a teenager. My pinky knuckle is still slightly thicker but it’s not noticeable to anyone but me. It was a long time (maybe a year) before my grip strength in the pinky fully came back (and your pinky has more function than you’d think!).

    • Anon

      I broke the top of my ring finger and it needed three pins. It healed fine and I took the pins out myself (they were falling out bc it was healed). Does my broken ring finger look like my other ring finger? No. The top is a bit more crooked. Does anyone but me notice it? Also no. Does it affect me in any way? No and it is my dominant hand. It’s been a nothing burger. I am not a hand model however.

    • Anono

      I had this pin placement and stupidly bashed the pins without noticing (they numbed my arm and I bashed it before the numbness wore off). Because it was heavily bandaged; nobody noticed until it was time to take the pins out, and then my finger had healed bent.

  7. Anonymous

    Question for the bakers: I got a sourdough starter from King Arthur’s flour and have screwed it up. Didn’t feed the starter for 48 hours after it arrived, then misunderstood that I was supposed to be discarding all but 113g for *every single feed*. So I’ve just been adding 113g flour and 113g water. A few days ago I realized my mistake and discarded all but 113g of the mixture, then fed it, and then wondered if I should just start over. But now that I’m looking into it I realize there’s starter cultures to buy and things, and I’m wondering if I should just stick with the initial unbalanced mixture (which is now underfed)…

    • Cb

      I think I’d give your sourdough a few weeks of regular feeding. Sourdough is surprisingly resilient (says the person who has been banned)

      • anonshmanon

        agreed. I’ve had my starter for almost 2 years and mess it up all the time (forget to feed it while it sits on the counter, shove it in the fridge for 3 weeks and don’t look at it once). It always comes back. Unless you have visible (fuzzy) mold growing, it’s salvageable. After what you’ve been doing (regular feeding, just not the correct ratios), my guess is that it still smells decent (yeasty, vaguely bready), but it just is not very active/bubbly. Even if you don’t feed it for a week, and the top dries out a lot, and it starts smelling more like acetone, you can still bring it back. Just keep going and feeding it daily, at the right proportions. It should start showing some bubbles after a few days, and eventually, a feeding will make it froth up and double in volume.
        Btw, you can avoid throwing out so much, with the help of a little math. What’s important is the ratio of nutrients (from the flour) to bacteria in the starter. Instead of discarding starter daily, I begin with a smaller amount of starter and increase my daily feeding. I eyeball it, but let’s say 1/4 cup of starter, and the first day I give it 10g flour and water. The next day I give it 20g flour and water, and the next 35-40g. Once I reach 40g addition, my starter is typically ready to bake so I use 130-170g for my bread and I have a small amount of starter again.

    • Anonymous

      DH has one of these and it seems to be pretty resilient. I think you’re supposed to throw it out if it turns purple (???) but otherwise it’s ok. You can use the discard, we (really he) use it for pretzels or rolls.

    • Anon.

      You can just continue to discard as per the normal protocol to revive your starter. Your freshly fed starter should double in a couple of hours at room temperature as a sign that’s it’s happy.

      Honestly, I have revived my sourdough starter after 12 weeks in the fridge! Took a few rounds of feeding/discarding, but my bread turns out nice! After longer periods of starvation, you may have a liquid (called hooch) on top of the dough, but you can stir it back in when adding fresh flour. As long as there is no mold, weird colors, or a smell that’s different than the normal starter, you’re good.

    • Vicky Austin

      I think you should be fine to keep feeding and using as normal. You can stick it in the fridge in between uses. Also, I bet KAF would help if you reached out to them via social media or something like that. I also get all my sourdough answers from Alexandra’s Kitchen; she’s very talented and thorough and has always gotten me where I need to be. Check her blog and Instagram as well.

    • Sasha

      Sourdough is way, way hardier and requires way less precision than people give it credit for. I just baked a great loaf with starter that had been in the fridge unfed for probably 3-4 months (I pulled it out 24 hrs in advance and fed it a ton). The feedings just needs to be half water, half flour–the total amount doesn’t really matter. I do 25g of each as needed. I also never discard–it’s only necessary in the very beginning when the starter is bubbling a lot and you need to make room for it to continue to grow. Keep feeding your starter every day for maybe another week or two and you should be good to go.

    • Anon

      KAF has a phone hotline which is so helpful! Call them – they may have good ideas.

  8. Cora

    This may be a gross question but where else to ask it –
    When I’m working from home I usually wear sweatpants and a tshirt. I don’t go to the gym in these and don’t wear them out of my climate-controlled house.

    How many days would you re-wear those clothes before washing? It feels like a waste to wash it after 1 wear since they don’t seem dirty

    • Anon

      I wash my t-shirts after one day of use, but would definitely rewear the sweatpants for a few days.

      • Anon

        This is me. I used to have back-ne so I change shirts often. Bottom, not unless sweaty or dirty or it has been many days.

    • Anonymous

      T shirts get washed every day. Sweatpants two days. Don’t be a dirty lazy sloth!

    • Anon

      T-shirts for one day and sweatpants for 2 for me. You sweat a lot more than you realize just existing and there is also dead skin, dust from the house, etc.

    • Anon

      I’m the same way and I wear my sweat pants for 3 days and a fresh top every day.

    • Anon

      I wear my at-home outfit for 5-ish days, or however many it takes the fabric starts to bag out, before it goes in the laundry. Fewer if I spill something or get sweaty.

    • Anon

      If they don’t feel dirty, wear multiple times and don’t tell anyone lol. I usually change into a fresh shirt every day, but if it really seems clean and I’m being lazy, I’ll rewear. No one has complained.

    • Anon

      My shirts get washed after a day, but I rotate through 4-5 pairs of pants and do laundry every 2 weeks, so they get worn 3-4 times before washing, though I stop wearing them sooner if they get dirty or I do something more active and they seem like they need it.

    • Anonymous

      I change shirts daily but i’ll wear sweatpants for like 4 or 5 days in a row.

    • Sunshine

      The big piece of information missing is whether you wear underwear with your sweatpants. If so, I would wear them for 5-ish days and change my underwear daily. If not, then I would wash daily. Whether I can wear a t-shirt one day or two depends on when I feel gross or like I smell.

      • Anon

        I have a friend who rewears leggings without underwear and it seems nasty to me. She doesn’t even shower daily! Call me judgemental but that’s gross.

        • Sunshine

          Same! I don’t wear underwear with leggings. And I wear clean leggings every day.

        • anon

          Ewww, no. Fine if you want to go commando in your leggings, but those should automatically go into the hamper at the end of the day.

      • Cora

        I definitely wear and change my underwear daily! Do people not do that . . .

      • Cat

        I want to know who wouldn’t wear underwear with sweatpants. Those things have real seams. Ouch.

    • The No Club

      Honestly, if it’s not visibly or odorously dirty, why WOULD you wash it? I think we wastefully way over-wash things these days, and it’s not only wasteful but wears clothes out much more quickly. Obviously if it has BO smell or any food/dirt stains, wash it. And rotate such that it doesn’t seem to your colleagues that you’re wearing the same shirt every day.

      • Anon

        +1 I think we as a society generally way over wash things. If it’s not visibly dirty or smells, I don’t wash it. Washing clothes frequently is a huge waste of water, electricity and time. And as you noted, it wears your clothes out faster creating more waste.

        I wash underwear and gym clothes after one wear but pretty much anything else gets multiple wears. I’m a huge fan of undershirts under work clothes so I can rewear work/nicer tops and sweaters a few times and instead just wash undershirts each wash. They’re much cheaper to replace and smaller/easier to wash

      • Anonymous

        People aren’t as sensitive to their own BO smell. Just because you think you don’t smell doesn’t mean you don’t. This also goes for not washing hair frequently.

      • Anon

        +1, my Madewell jeans even have language near the tag saying essentially “I’ll hold up better if you wash me less often, every 10 wears or so is more than enough!” Idk why sweatpants would be any different. I am wayyyy more lax than people posting here. And to the comment about “not being able to smell your own BO” ….maybe during the day you can’t smell yourself, but you can sniff your clothing after it’s been worn and it’s very obvious when it has a smell, whether that’s from BO or from wearing while cooking bacon or something else. I don’t think anyone else is going to be sniffing the crotch of my pants, so if it’s starting to smell I will certainly be the first to know!

        • anecdata

          I’ve heard that often about jeans but they always seen smelly to me at 2-3 days max

      • Anonymous

        I must just be a really dirty, sweaty person, because anything I wear next to my skin for a full day gets stinky, and even outer garments like sweatshirts get smelly if I wear them for a walk or grungy if I wear them to cook. I am lucky to get two or three wears out of a sweatshirt and have to wash my jeans and t-shirts after every wear.

    • Anonymous

      For me, it depends on fabric content. If it has any poly in it, I find I have to wash after one wear for shirts and two wears for pants. Anything 100% cotton I can wear 4 or 5 times before washing unless it gets visibly dirty.

    • Anon

      I wear pants twice as long as they look clean and don’t smell? I wear sweaters over and over because most of them are wool, but anything next to my skin like a tee or a heat tech gets washed after one wear.

    • Anon

      Now that I work from home, I often wear three sets of clothes a day and put most of them on THE CHAIR after one – maybe two – wears. Nicer clothes like trousers or blouses will be hung up after I meet someone for lunch or have a work meeting. I have my comfy pants and tees that I sleep or work in, I might put on something a bit more elevated for a doctor appt or grocery store, and I have suits for court that may only be a status conference for 30 minutes. All the clothes on THE CHAIR go in the laundry whether I re-wore or not. IMO, wearing once for less than half a day is inefficient and wasteful. Not lazy.

  9. Argentina Reccs

    Hi! I think someone else recently posted but I’m trying again. My husband and I and our three kids—14, 11, 8–are going to Buenos Aires for a week, two days in Iguazu Falls in the middle. We have hotels and flights. I want to keep our schedule loose but feel like we should at least book a tango dinner show before we go.
    Any reccs for tango shows and/or anything else in the area that is a must-see or may be better with advance booking?
    Thanks!

    • Senior Attorney

      I was just in Buenos Aires (currently on a ship heading to Antarctia) and loved it. Be aware the money situation is a little strange. You can use credit cards most places, but street vendors will jack up the price, and restaurants and bars won’t let you add tips on the card so you need cash. Easiest thing is to take US $100 bills and change them to pesos when you get there. You should also take some small US bills for tips. (Same advice re Euros if you are from EU.) Unlike every other place I’ve been, you cant easily get local currency fromATMs — the limit is 30,000 pesos (about $30), and they charge a fee of about 8,250 pesos. Oh, and 10% is standard tip for restaurants, guides, etc. 5000 pesos for hotel luggage person. And fun but confusing fact: the sign for pesos is the same as the dollar sign : $.

      We went to the La Ventana tango show and it was great, if a tad corny. The highlight of our visit was a cooking class at LA Criolla, which I found on Viator. HIGHLY recommend. We also hired a private guide with a car for half a day and felt like it was well worth it. if you do that they will cover the must-sees, but in any event don’t skip the Recoleta Cemetery. I actually wish we’d done a full day with him.

      Enjoy! Buenos Aires is fabulous!

      • Senior Attorney

        Oh, and it’s easy to get a cab at the airport so don’t bother making airport fransfer arrangements in advance. You may have to wait a few minutes for a cab that’s big enough, or split your group up into 2 cabs, but it’s cheap and easy.

    • NYCer

      I was in BA in 2010, so I do not have current recommendations for a tango show (though we did go to one back then and it was fun!), but I also highly recommend a polo match if there are any going on when you are in town. We had a great time there too.

      +1 to Senior Attorney’s recommendation for Recoleta Cemetery. Other don’t miss items in my opinion are Casa Rosada and Plaza de Mayo. We stayed in Palermo Soho, which was a nice neighborhood with cute cafes, boutiques, etc.

      At Iguazu, I highly recommend the speed boat tour. It is very cool!

    • Anon

      Someone mentioned an empanada making class and I thought that sounded really awesome for kids (and me, lol).

    • Anonymous

      We went to Senor Tango a million years ago and loved it. I wouldn’t worry about finding the best – just embrace the fact that it’s basically a Vegas floor show.

    • Nesprin

      Have you gotten your Brazilian visas yet? You’ll need them to enter Brazil to see the most incredible sights of the falls.

  10. Anonymous

    Weird question: I got the Pottery Barn cloud quilt on what I thought was advice here. It came and seemed a bit scratchy, but we washed it… it is not softening up with age or washing at all. Did I get the wrong thing? Do people just like the texture? It’s so, so scratchy and bulky. Just checked my order, we got the “Cloud Handcrafted Linen/Cotton Quilt.”

    • Cat

      The Belgian Flax collection is what’s usually recommended here – I am one who can personally vouch!

    • Anon

      Same, we ordered and returned it. I ordred the muslin comfort quilt instead and much prefer it – still warm, breathes nicely, and longer length. The only downside is that one of my cats is determined to kneed/sleep on it so it is getting some minor snags.

  11. Digby

    I can’t speak to medical or legal concerns, but Epipens are really expensive – last I heard, they were well over $500. They also expire within a year or so. I don’t know what, if any, downsides there are to using an expired EpiPen, but theoretically, everyone who wanted to carry one would have to re-up regularly.

    • Nina

      This is interesting. I’m basically allergic to most bug bites and also to dust, and I was thinking of buying one for when I do fieldwork and am likely to be exposed to things I’m allergic to. Out of the last 4 times I’ve went I’ve had to take prednisone 2x. The cost I can deal with, but may not make sense if it’ll expire in 1-2 years.

      • Anon

        Epipens are for emergency treatment of anaphylactic shock, not intended to be used as though they are just extra strength benadryl.

    • Anon

      I think the concern with old Epipens is that they may not be as effective once they have expired (which is not great if you are depending on the dose to save a life). And even fresh, they are not without complications if administered to someone for whom the active ingredients is contraindicated.

    • Anon

      The school nurse at my daughter’s elementary school had whole shelves of Epipens, multiples of which had to be taken on field trips since each one was prescribed for a different student. And at the end of the year, 90% of them had to be thrown away unused because they would expire (and the families had their own). She used to bemoan the waste of money but she was not allowed to simply keep 5-10 on hand.

      Even if not everyone was to carry one, it seems that places with lots of children should be allowed to keep a communal group in place. It would save a lot of money. If a child with a prescription has a reaction, the person in charge could just use the communal Epipen rather than having to find the specific one prescribed for that child (which honestly I gather got messed up a lot because who has time for that in a medical emergency).

    • Anon

      Epipens don’t treat allergies. They treat the deadly symptoms of anaphylaxis and are meant to keep you alive until you can get emergency medical attention (like from an ambulance). You have to separately treat the allergies with steroids or Benadryl too, or else there’s a risk the anaphylactic symptoms will return when the Epipen dose wears off.

    • Anonymous

      It’s a massive problem. To the extent that there are real issues with people waiting too long to use them (which reduces effectiveness) because they are hoping they won’t need it because they can’t afford a new one.

      I really think that at a minimum there should be one in the first aid kits at schools.

  12. anonchicago

    Where are we buying work pants in 2024? After WFH then pregnancy and now being back at pre-baby weight, I’m realizing most of my work pants are outdated and looking a bit worn. I used to buy pants at Loft or Ann Taylor but their quality has gone downhill. All I’ve seen that have my inseam requirements, are washable, and <$100 are WHBM and J. Crew. Any other stores to consider?

    • New Here

      I have two pairs of the Old Navy Pixie Pants that I wear pretty consistently. I have the straight pair, and a high rise flare that I like.

    • Cat

      Check Hobbs, likely more in the mid-high $100’s of price point, but tons of their stuff is washable.

    • anon

      I’m still wearing Loft and accepting that I’ll be rebuying every 12-24 months. Honestly, that doesn’t seem unreasonable given how often I wear work pants. Loft fits me better than anything else I’ve tried.

    • Anon

      Aritzia has a lot of decent options in the Babton and Wilfred lines — even some 100% wool. On sale they are usually <$100, just be careful because they will often make them final sale when they are discounted.

    • Anon

      Talbots on sale are often less than $100. Their black pants hold up much, much longer for me than the Pixie pants from Old Navy. Old Navy pants tend to fade within 3ish months of regular cold water washings (I also use Woolite Dark detergent). Talbots size range is also extensive.

    • Vicky Austin

      I have a couple pairs of the J. Crew Factory Ruby that I really like. I have the full-length version but I don’t think they’re making those right now.

    • CK

      I can vouch for the Quince straight leg ponte pants as I have three pairs. They have different inseam lengths. I normally wear a small/4 and sized up to a medium in these. I’ve been very happy with them.

  13. Anon88

    Insomnia advice? I’ve been having a terrible time falling asleep lately. Melatonin does nothing for me unfortunately. It’s definitely due to stress and anxiety, but I’m having a hard time winding down. If you’ve had this problem, what’s helped?

    • Anon

      I had really bad anxiety-related insomnia during the pandemic and had to get a prescription for hydroxyzine. It broke the cycle (anxiety leads to insomnia which leads to more anxiety etc) and after a week or so I was sleeping normally again so I didn’t have to take it on a regular basis long term. I still use it before early morning flights or stressful events but that’s about once a month at most.

      • Anon88

        Oh I literally have a prescription bottle of hydroxyzine I was prescribed for anxiety and have never taken. guess I should give it a try!

        • Anon

          Yeah I’d try it. I’d start small with dose though. 25 mg knocks me out and I’m tall and not super skinny. Apparently it’s ok to take 50-100 mg but it seems so high to me based on how I react to 25.

          I do get a hangover feeling from it even if I get 8+ hours of sleep (which I don’t with melatonin) so I don’t like taking it when I can avoid it, but the hangover is preferable to zero sleep.

    • Anon

      I think you need to work on the cause.

      Weed gummies for the truly anxious nights, exercise and meditation apps otherwise.

      • Anon88

        I’ve tried gummies and vaping weed and I just end up very high and wide awake hahah

    • anon

      Heavy exercise early in the day, and giving myself adequate time to wind down at night. If it’s stress and anxiety-related, journaling well before bedtime may help you process whatever is bugging you and increase the chances that you won’t carry that stress to sleep. If my brain just won’t shut off, listening to a calm, soothing podcast helps me fall asleep.

    • Anonymous

      I know this is not an easy answer, but when I’m stressed, I have to exercise and sauna in order to get a good nights’ rest.

    • Anon

      B complex (and some sunlight) in AM and magnesium glycinate in PM is something I get better about it if I’m having trouble falling asleep because of stress. The reasoning is just that we use more B vitamins and magnesium in stressful times than we otherwise do, and B complex is energizing while mag glycinate is calming. (I have medical supervision when it comes to supplements though and know I’m not overdosing or taking anything I shouldn’t.)

    • Tv

      Rather than trying to drug yourself, sounds like it is time to address the anxiety.

      • Anon

        It can be hard to address it if it’s circumstantial.

        If you mean prescription drugs… I can see wanting to try some OTCs first. Given how hard the prescription meds can be to quit, if I could go back in time, I’d tell myself to try OTC GABA or 5HTP first. I wouldn’t wish discontinuation syndrome on an enemy, whether from an SSRI or a benzo.

      • Anon88

        I wasn’t asking for recommendations to “drug myself”! Maybe I should have mentioned in the OP, but I am on anxiety meds and in therapy, but unfortunately I’m just in a really overwhelming phase of life right now and stressed a lot of the time. And I do exercise and journal already. (I’ve talked to my therapist about this, but not my PCP). Maybe I’m particularly sensitive because of the aforementioned reasons, but I don’t think being condescending is really helpful.

        • Anon

          Ahh…. this is very helpful. Thanks for sharing. This is critical info.
          I was surprised most of the posters jumped to things to take, rather than behaviors.

          Do you have a mindfulness/relaxation/nighttime routine? I had to take a course in mindfulness, and still find it challenging, but the simple breathing/scanning exercises work wonders for me.

          Are you religious with getting screens turned off early enough before bed?

          Have you tried one of those relaxation Apps, and doing one of the routines while you are in bed?

          When my mind is racing, I use my Alexa device and put on a podcast that has longer form storytelling (ex. Selected Shorts) or even just music as a distraction … to give my mind something else to focus on. It sets on a timer to go off in 10 minutes or whatever I want. I also keep a pad by my bed and if I wake up in the night and I can’t go back to sleep because my mind is racing/worrying, I sit up and write down whatever I am worrying about etc… and then it actually relaxes me a bit, as if I have made a plan to finish worrying about it in the morning (!).

          Learning these strategies are most helpful in the long run. But the do take time/effort.

    • Anon

      When my mind is racing and I can’t sleep because of it, I put the great British baking show on my phone and fall asleep listening to it – it gives my brain something to focus on instead of my usual stressors.

    • Anon

      After 20 years of this and many doctors, years of therapy, strict sleep hygiene, etc. Per my doc, I take a cocktail of things including an indica gummy, an anti anxiety med, and no more than 3 mg melatonin, meditation daily and often a sleep one in bed, super regular bedtime with only rare exceptions, exercising regularly, and for the most part, eliminating stress and anxiety in my life.

      I am generally super chill when awake and honestly don’t feel stressed. I have a great life and am very content. This is just my body/brain.

      • Anon

        This is all amazing advice.

        Sleep is so critical for our health.
        And it’s really torture when you can’t sleep, when you are suffering from Anxiety already.

    • Anonymous

      All of the sleep experts say no screens before bed, but I find that watching or listening to a familiar show where I don’t have to pay attention gets my brain to turn off so I can fall asleep. That’s why the TV has a sleep timer, after all. I also find magnesium glycerinate helpful in staying asleep.

        • Anon

          It’s actually fine if it’s passive (reading, watching a show) and red shifted.

          If it’s interactive and the screen has blue light, that can keep us alert and mess with circadian rhythms.

    • Anonymous

      I sometimes use unisom to break the insomnia cycle. Unisom makes me sleep, which makes me stop worrying about sleeping, which allows me to sleep without unisom.

    • Vicky Austin

      Hot shower
      Sex (with husband or solo)
      Audiobook, sleep story (I like Calm) or comfort show with a sleep timer when possible

    • Ginger

      I fall asleep pretty easily but then wake up around 3 am. One Indica weed gummies right before bedtime. They usually take a couple of hours to take effect which is perfect. Do not take Sativa or hybrid gummies, they are stimulants!

  15. sprinkles

    My car needs new tires. It came with run-flat tires which are $$$. I like the idea of not being stranded on the road as a single lady should something happen, but I’m not sure if it is worth the price difference. Pros/cons for replacing tires with the same or not?

    • Anon

      How adept are you at changing tires? Do you have a spare? (Many cars don’t come with them.) Do you normally drive in places you wouldn’t want to get a flat?

      My own answers are: very (I have a hydraulic jack that lives in my car and a lovely X-shaped lug wrench), yes, and no, so I don’t pay for run flat.

      • Sunshine

        If you’re not getting run flats, make sure you have a spare and that spare is properly maintained and has air in it also.

        • Anon

          My second question was if the OP has a spare. :)

          I guess I assume that maintenance of the spare is like any other element of car maintenance.

    • Tv

      I am not a tire expert but I fo to Costco. they often have a good sale of decent tires. great service, free rotations.

    • Anon

      I think the advice is not to skimp on things that come between you and the ground: tires, mattresses and shoes.

    • Con

      I’ll be the con and say that the money for run-flats is not worth it compared to a solid roadside assistance plan: which will cover a tire debacle (guys putting a spare on your car) and/or battery issues, towing, etc. How many times have you had a straight up flat/blowout in your past?

      run flats are heavy, wear your car more, and run a real risk of damaging your wheels (because they save your tire) if you’re in a pothole-prone area.

      Important to note is whether your car has a spare tire, BMW? If you don’t have a spare tire, get the run flats. If spare, then nah.

    • Anon

      How often do you drive places you wouldn’t want to get a flat? I don’t drive that much at night anymore and have only gotten one flat in 25 years of driving, so it wouldn’t be worth it to me, but YMMV.

      • OP

        My average driving is all within 25 miles of my house these days which I think is why I’m questioning more. When I got the car I was regularly making 13hr drives.

    • Anon

      I would get run-flat tires if I frequently was traveling in areas without cell service and/or I did not have a AAA membership. Or just simply did not want the hassle of having to wait for AAA to appear.

    • Anon

      Does your driving routinely take you through areas that are unsafe or where there is not help within a reasonable walking/waiting distance? Those are the only situations I can think of that make having run flats worth it. I have a big X lug wrench and enough knowledge that I could swap in my spare if needed, but I am honestly more likely to call and wait for the tow truck driver. I am not usually driving through dangerous areas where it would be a problem to just hang out in my car for 30 minutes, though.

    • Your Mileage May Vary

      Recently went through this and my mechanic’s warning is that with run flats if you replace one you have to replace them all.

      Personally, I go with high quality regular tires and a AAA membership, but I’m rarely driving in places where getting AAA and getting a ride from friend/family would be an issue.

    • Aging Gracefully

      My best advice to everyone here is to LEARN HOW TO CHECK AND CHANGE TIRES. And for the love of puppies, never buy a car without a spare.

      My dad was a mechanic. Before I was even allowed to think of getting a driver’s license, I had to learn how to do routine maintenance on the car I’d be driving. I knew how to check all the fluids and the tires, change oil, wiper blades, help to change the brakes, and yes, how to change a tire. It’s come in very handy over the (many) years since I turned 16, but best of all, I’ve always had the peace of mind knowing I won’t be stranded anywhere if I get a flat.

      And when you DO learn how to change a tire, ask your mechanic/dealership to HAND-TIGHTEN the lug nuts on your tires. If they tighten them with an air gun, there is no way you are breaking them loose by hand.

      • Anon

        Random story about over-tightened lug nuts: one time, when I was changing my front brakes, I could not for the life of me get the tires off. The last ditch effort involved asking a friend’s brother to bring over his 8 foot long metal pipe. Pipe went over the X wrench, brother (who is like 224 pounds) stood on the pipe, and the pipe actually bent and the lug nuts didn’t move.

      • Anon

        The Sienna has no spare tire. WTF Toyota? You make such good cars and then have a major design flaw for the user.

  16. Breakups

    Has anyone been unsure about breaking up with a partner and then regretted it later?

    I am considering breaking up with someone I am very much in love with but over time I have come to realize that he’s likely not what I want in the long term. I struggle with this decision every day.

    • anonymous

      Never once. You might miss them in the short term but you will ultimately be relieved.

      • Anone

        Most likely agree with this, but have one question: why are you unsure? Are you interested in someone else? I find that what people refer to as the “heart” (i.e., the initial new relationship/love hormones that do not last) often distracts from what people really want and need in a relationship. So if you’re getting flutters from someone else and you are using that to justify breaking up with your partner, you may want to rethink your decision.

        • Breakups

          I am unsure because although he fulfills many of my emotional needs, he is a very simple man who does not intellectually challenge or fulfill me. His career is also nowhere where it needs to be which causes me a lot of anxiety for a potential joint financial future.

          I don’t learn from him or feel like we are growing as a couple sometimes but I love spending time with him day to day.

          • anonymous

            This will not get better. You do t respect him and he’s not interesting to you. I wouldn’t spend another day wasting my time like that.

          • Anon

            I do not mean to diminish your emotions or the relationship you have when I say this, so please take this as light humour and not dismissive:

            That’s someone who should be a friends with benefits/f–k buddy, not long-term partner material.

          • Anonymous

            Is this accurate to what you want? “What I want in a relationship is an intellectually challenging man. I want him to be successful and growing in his career so we have the income level and stability that causes me to feel financially secure. I want to learn from him and I want us to grow together.”

            If that’s the case, then you have these options:
            • Change what you want.
            • Learn to live with the gap between what you want, ideally, and who he is.
            • Break up.

            If you’re the person (or one of the people) who has posted before asking questions about a partner who isn’t intellectually her match, then this is a significant ongoing issue for you that’s not abating. Pay attention to that.

          • Anon

            This sounds like a fun high school or college relationship. Does he have motivation to get his career where it needs to be or is he comfortable with where it is now? Does he have interests or is he happy sitting on the couch every night?

          • Anon

            I ended a relationship exactly like this in my early 20’s. It was a very difficult and painful decision and took me awhile to get over… but now that I’m nearing 40 and married to an ambitious man who challenges me in all of the right ways, I’m so glad I trusted what I was feeling.

          • Breakups

            Anon – Yes, that is exactly what I want. I feel awful as he meets all of my emotional needs but somehow he makes me feel stagnant. He is in a phase of life where he is working on his career and I am in a phase of life where I want to enjoy the fruits of my career. We have different priorities.

            I feel so stuck and don’t want to regret leaving this big love.

          • Anon

            Oof. This basically outlines my reasons for breaking up with my early 20s boyfriend (met senior year, moved to the city together after graduation, I started/grew my career and he just…floundered). I loved him very much but I just didn’t respect him towards the end. Honestly I feel like almost everyone I know has one relationship like this – the ‘sometimes love just ain’t enough’ breakup that is so so hard but worth it in the end. I am truly, truly grateful we did not get married/have kids together, we’re both much happier matched up with partners who suit our priorities better.

          • Anonymous

            A man’s job isn’t to fulfill you. You need to do that for yourself. And his career is “nowhere where it should be’!? Goodness, please do him a favour and break up with him. You clearly have no respect for him.

          • Anonymous

            I ended this relationship and I was the lesser intellectual. We remain friendly to this day (20+ years later; he came to my wedding and I to his). He was heartbroken at the time but is much happier with his lovely Ivy League nerd of a wife and I am happier with my husband, who is cut from my cloth (street smart, bright, great college & grad school, just not actual genius like my ex).

            What’s funny is my DH (of 15 years) and me ex know each other. My ex is intimated by my DH; my DH finds my ex “mentally exhausting.”

      • Anon

        I have only regretted it during the times in my life when I was otherwise insecure, felt worthless, not deserving of love etc. Once I got my own ish sorted, I have never once regretted it and in fact usually feel relieved.

    • Runcible Spoon

      Inertia is a powerful force. Honor and respect your realization. Move on. You may regret it, but you may regret staying, too.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, in hindsight I regret breaking up with an ex. We graduated from law school in 2010 both deeply in debt from student loans. I got a job in biglaw but he got no offered from his 2L summer job and then just kind of… gave up. Wouldn’t apply for jobs. Wouldn’t send his resume to people I introduced him to. Wouldn’t move from the couch. I broke up with him December 2010. He moved in with his parents and eventually hung his own shingle. I don’t think he ever recovered financially. But I really loved that guy and he really loved me. I’m now a biglaw partner but still don’t have kids. I wish I’d just let him be a SAHD. I paid off my own loans pretty quickly, I could’ve paid off his too. When you come from a lower middle class background, $400k in debt seems insurmountable. I was so angry with him for basically saddling me with his debt too, for giving up on our joint life. But maybe he could’ve taken a different but equally great path.

      • Anon

        Nah, you did the right thing. If he couldn’t leave the couch he was depressed and wasn’t in the right space for a healthy relationship. This situation is worlds apart from a guy who’s a normal functioning adult but isn’t passionate about his career and chooses to be a SAHD. There’s zero evidence this guy would have been a dedicated or even competent SAHD, and he probably would have resented your professional success and eventually done something to sabotage the relationship.

        And I say that as someone who often thinks the women here are too picky/dump guys too quickly.

      • Anon

        I don’t want to pile on you, because you were so honest and clear. More of a PSA:

        It can be a lot easier to hang your shingle when your spouse is pulling down enough money for both and has benefits. It allows you to build from the ground up, doing the kind of work you want, and building long term relationships.

      • Anonymous

        I am sorry that you feel this way. Please consider that you might feel differently if you actually had kids. Right now you are dreaming of what life would be like if you were working and he were staying home with the kids, but it is a very difficult phase of life, and I personally know or know of many couples with the arrangement you describe where either the male or female partner, or many times both, were vastly unhappy with their respective roles.

      • Anon

        Hi, I had this relationship in my 20s and I am grateful every single day I did not marry my ex or underwrite his 200k in loans (I was already paying for our rent/household expenses!). Also from a very working class background and found another guy with a similar background who was committed to working to make the life he/we wanted, and not refusing to acknowledge/treat his issues.

      • Anon

        My friend did marry that guy. He didn’t get off the couch for their kids either. She fell out of love with the whiny man child who was actively making her life worse.

      • Cat

        why do you think he would have been a motivated and engaged SAHD? Leave this one in the rear view mirror.

      • Anon

        My dad was this guy except it was a mid career layoff, and my mom only made “pin money”. I don’t see him getting off the couch to be an active dad, competent homemaker, and supportive husband. You made the right decision.

    • CK

      I think with breakups it’s helpful to think about what is best for your future self. Your current self is hooking on this person and our biology is programed to keep us attached for survival. In the short term a break up is very painful. But in the long term, a breakup frees you from being hooked to someone is ok so you can find someone who is a better fit for you. Flip the script, would you want to someone to be with you if they loved you but realized you were not what they wanted in the long term? Sometimes we have to make choices that are extremely painful in the short term so we can have the best shot of living the life of our dreams in the long term.

    • Leatty

      No, but I did regret not ending things sooner. It was a 3.5 year relationship that died a loooooong death, and we both would have been happier if we had ended things a year (or more) earlier

  17. Anon?

    Please tell me pregnancy brain is real… About 24 weeks and I cannot remember a thing that anyone tells me. Totally forgetting about different files and etc. If not for my assistant, I would have totally blown a deadline already. I’m writing things down (when I remember) but then can’t remember where I wrote them down?
    Pls help – how did you manage pregnancy brain + an active practice?

    • Anon

      For my severe menopause brain, I keep a running to-do list in a Google Doc – accessible from my computer or my phone, so I can have it anywhere. And I live and die by my calendar.

    • Kate

      Not pregnant but had a medical condition that impacted my memory. I advise a) buying a ton of air tags and b) carrying something with you all the time- your phone, a paper journal, something. Build the habit (and ask your assistant or direct reports to help you!) of writing things down IMMEDIATELY. Do not wait. Give yourself a five min buffer between meetings whenever possible. Start overusing your electronic calendar of choice – schedule week in advance, 3 days before, day before, day off, and day of 4 pm 15 min appts. (Can have a reminder or not). Set alarms on your phone and type in the reminder of what you need to do. I used to set an alarm and then go “wait why is that going off?” Schedule a half hour every day to review your lists and calendars and what’s up ahead. The admin time is worth your peace of mind. It took me about 2 weeks to aggressively adopt and implement this and I personally was able to ask for and receive support from my team with scheduling. I said, “I have a lot on my plate right now, and I want to take extra steps to make sure I stay on top of things and I don’t miss any deadlines. please help me/our clients by: (every meeting, ending with a brief recap of to do items, if I forget, initiate it; every deadline, schedule ABC reminders). I have fully recovered and still rely on many of these tricks now. It has saved me in times of immense stress/workload overload even after my medical recovery. I’ve implemented it in a large firm and a midsize company and people have adapted. I have shorter, more efficient and regular check ins on projects and have only thought to myself “where is…” once in the last three years.

      • Anon

        This is the way. I live and die by my calendar and note taking and am teaching my ADHD kiddo to do the same.

      • Anonya

        I do all of this. Not pregnant but I have always been absentminded, and now that I am in perimenopause, it has gotten worse. I would add: use your phone scanner (note built into all iPhones via the notes app, if you have an android, you can download various scanner apps) to immediately scan personal documents, mail, checks, etc. as soon as they are issued or received. This has been a lifesaver for me.

    • Vicky Austin

      I’m just here to say solidarity. I was trying to pump and work the other day and I felt like the pump was literally sucking my brain out. I gave up and watched a ten minute YouTube video.

    • Anon

      It is real….but pregnancy/post partum is also when my high functioning ADHD brain could not save me from my terrible executive functioning skills. Maybe start there – executive function skills are the biggest thing most of us aren’t taught in school. I basically assumed the baby ate my working memory and trained myself to document/calendar/notate/write down every single thing.

      • Anonymous

        I’m over a year post partum and the crash in executive functioning is still causing me trouble. I think I lost all my coping skills and what few habits/routines I had developed. I’m working on rebuilding them now but its rough.

  18. What to do

    I’m conflicted about helping a colleague with their job search. We were interns together and have since hung out together in small groups of mutual colleagues. Last time I saw them I mentioned my company was hiring and forwarded this person’s resume but they applied after the deadline and when I emailed asking how they were doing as a follow up they did not even respond. It’s possible they were very disappointed so I tried to be understanding. They reached out again to ask about an open position at my company. I don’t expect us to be best friends but I feel so blatantly used. I’m willing to get over it because it’s a tough job market and they’ve been unhappy with their job for a while. I’m not strongly upset and it’s a small field so we’ll run into each other again. If they had only responded with even a simple form reply email or text I would not think twice about helping. Am I being too sensitive or petty for not feeling inclined to help?

    • anonymous

      They very well could have just missed the email. I’d still help, this person is in your network and you might need their referral at some point.

    • Anon

      I think you’re being a bit petty since you seem to not have any knowledge of why they didn’t respond, also, things happen. I think I have hit send many times and I haven’t, life gets busy, any number of things could have happened. This isn’t about you personally.

    • Anon III

      Please presume good intentions. Jobsearching is emotionally draining, and life can be busy.

      Companies want referrals! Do a kindness and let your feelings go.

      If the shoe were on the other foot, you’d use any “in” you had to get ahead in a tough job market.

      I think you’re being too sensitive.

  19. Anone

    I just had to fire an employee today. She handled it well. I do not doubt that it was the right decision, but I still feel like the equivalent to Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada. I guess I am not really asking for advice, just seeking support or commiseration.

    • Anonymous

      Good! Firing someone is rough it should impact us. It being right and necessary doesn’t mean it isn’t also often a bit sad.

      • Vicky Austin

        My husband has had to fire people a few times and he always uses his antique typewriter to type up the official notice or whatever. He says it takes longer, thereby forcing him to think about it and make sure they definitely need to be fired. (Sometimes I think he’s secretly Ned Stark: man who passes sentence must swing sword, etc.)

    • roxie

      firing people is hard but i have never once regretted it – it is usually doing them a favor long-term too, even if you can’t say that :)

    • anonshmanon

      I was there last December. First time I had to fire someone. The employee was very likeable, and I really felt sorry for them. Even though I am 100% sure it was the right decision, I still dwell on it sometimes and hope they landed on their feet. But it fades!

    • Anonymous

      Ugh. I have to fire someone soon. It won’t be a surprise for him and it’s definitely the right decision, but ugh, I’m definitely not looking forward to it.

    • Seventh Sister

      Honestly, one of the best things my manager ever did was fire someone in our office. The person who got let go made work miserable for everyone else in the division. It was the best thing for everyone involved.

  20. anon

    ‘Rettes in midlife and beyond: would love your thoughts on something I’ve noticed in the past three years or so. DH and I are 43 and 45; many of the couples in our social circle are around the same age, plus or minus a couple of years. The uptick in divorces as of late has been extremely jarring. Statistically, I guess it makes sense (that 50% has to come from somewhere), and most of us are beyond the tiny-kid parenting years, but I just feel really sad about it all. These are families we’ve known for ages and have grown to love. And the bad behavior we’ve seen from at least one of the spouses toward the end of the marriage and the 1-2 years following the divorce has been honestly shocking at times. I don’t even know what I’m asking, other than confirmation that this is the season of life we’re in? I’ve been surprised by how sad I’ve been about these uncouplings.

    • Anita

      Different age group (more late 50s/60s) but there have been a lot of divorces among my parents friends. They must have been brewing for years because they basically all happened right after the kids had moved out to college or maybe finished college. And this is a pretty conservative community where divorce is still a bit of a shock.

    • Anon

      +1 and also the “kids are in college so now we are empty-nest divorcing” one comes in waves also. I remember when Al Gore got divorced and I STILL don’t get that one. I guess people are of the “I want to be happy or less unhappy for the next 20ish years,” but it just convinces me that we have no idea what goes on in houses we don’t live in.

      • Anon

        Yes, my parents’ friends are in the midst of the “kids are grown, so we’re divorcing” phase. They didn’t have any divorced friends (sadly a few widowed friends) prior to this.

      • Anon

        “we have no idea what goes on in houses we don’t live in”

        Thanks for holding that attitude.

        I married my college boyfriend right after we graduated and stuck it out until age 33 and honestly should have thrown in the towel 5 years earlier. I had to reach the lowest low to finally have the courage to pull the trigger. Adding the judgment of people I considered my good friends (not to mention family) was definitely kicking someone when they’re down.

        Divorce is awful and heartbreaking. Trust that anyone who has gotten to that point has been living in hell for a long time.

        • Senior Attorney

          This is so true. I always say “the one thing I know for sure, is that I don’t know anything about anybody’s marriage but my own.”

    • anonymous

      Perhaps because we are child free by choice, I haven’t seen this as much in our social circle. A divorce here and there, but mostly people doing that in their 20s and ending up in second marriages. Lots of friends from our college and grad school days too are still together. We don’t have a ton of families we hang out with though.

    • Anon

      You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. If it shocks and saddens you, that’s because your marriage is so devoid of those problems that it’s like explaining inner city poverty to a teenager from Jackson Hole, WY.

      • Anon

        Often one spouse is blind-sided (and not with willful blindness). Like “I have a girlfriend and she is pregnant” levels of shock. Adults can have it easier, emotionally, to treat an ex as garbage (mentally), but for the kids, it is so, so hard because they don’t get to move on. That person and their drama will always be in their life.

        • Anonymous

          Yes this is my experience too. Although I have seen a limited number of uh let’s call them amicable divorces, the vast vast majority of the time it’s been one person acting in wildly unethical ways and throwing their whole family for a loop, which is a friendship ender for me. So many illegitimate babies, STDs and affairs, sigh.

          • Anon

            Every single one of my close friends’ divorces was ultimately triggered by infidelity on the part of the husband. Two of them got the other woman pregnant. And both of those slime balls worked really hard to screw their wives over in the divorce.

            You could say I’m jaded now, and you’d be right.

          • anon

            OP here, and this is what I’m talking about. These haven’t been “we’ve grown apart” divorces.

          • Anon

            @ Anon at 1:25:

            Counter example: this one was caused by wife’s repeated infertility and leaving the house/husband/little kids for months at a time. He stayed to raise the kids, tend the home etc. Eventually she said she wanted a divorce and hired a lawyer.

      • Anon

        I feel there isn’t always anything that goes on behind closed doors that could explain or excuse some of the open doors choices and behaviors.

        It’s okay if there’s no clear explanation to trust that people know what they’re doing. But some people take “two sides of the story” to the point of implying that a woman must be truly awful if she drove her man to all the things everyone knows he did.

        • Anon

          How does that have anything to do with what I said????? I didn’t say that there are two sides to every story. I said you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

          • Anon

            I’m saying I can be saddened and shocked by public behavior without knowing what’s going on behind closed doors.

          • Anon

            Okay, I get it now.

            After seeing a few “shocking” and “out of nowhere” divorces that later made too much sense (like, that marriage should never have happened), I don’t really get sad about other people breaking up. I just get kind of Zen and figure that something was going on behind closed doors that may or may not make its way out into the open in time.

    • Anon

      I feel happy about some situations where I feel it was a long time coming or where I think families will be better off!

      I feel tremendously frustrated about some situations where I personally am being judgy because I feel a spoiled adult man let their inflated ego and sense of entitlement project their entire midlife crisis onto the perceived inadequacies of their spouse without benefit of a little therapy. But maybe I don’t really know the whole story.

      • Anon

        “inflated ego and sense of entitlement project their entire midlife crisis onto the perceived inadequacies of their spouse without benefit of a little therapy”

        I see you’ve met my ex-BIL.

      • Anon

        +1. I can’t think of any divorces in my close friend circle that were a surprise. And I’m normally happy that the wife finally dumped her idiot husband who acts like a child. Or in one case, when the husband left his entitled, mean wife.

        I have been surprised by some divorces in my broader circle, but I assume that’s just because I don’t know them well

    • Anonymous

      The first wave of divorces happened when we were approaching 30. People who got married in or right after college but figured out they were incompatible in the real world, in my circle it was usually because the guy failed to launch in some way but ymmv.

      I think the second wave happens when the kids hit ~5-8. Again in my circle, usually because the man hasn’t been picking up his fair share at home, mom finally comes up for air after dealing with tiny kids basically by herself, and realizes shared custody is better for everyone: she will get a break and dad will actually have to interact with the kids (or he foists them off on his parents but still at least mom gets a break).

      Next wave will be when kids move out. People stayed together “for the kids” or because they couldn’t afford both college and a divorce or because they realize they were great coparents but don’t have anything in common other than that.

      Then when people retire. They were so busy with work and kids and grandkids that they never had time for just each other. And they realize they don’t actually like each other that much anymore.

      • Anon

        There’s definitely a divorce wave in early elementary school. My theory is that women white knuckle through the baby/toddler stage expecting things will be better when the kids are older and more independent and then the kids get to 5 or 6 and are pretty manageable and they realize the problem is the husband, not the kids.

        I also think in some cases they stay in marriages they know are failing because they want more kids and figure this is their best shot for it, and better for the kids to be full siblings.

          • Anon

            Yup. But I know people who’ve done it in real life too. I also think that’s what Dena from Big Little Feelings is doing.

        • Anon

          Here’s a theory that might be totally wrong: it has to do with the kid developing enough that the parent feels okay breaking up the family and thinks (IMHO rightly) that it will be easier to coparent with an older kid. Older kids can talk about their day and school and everything that’s going on. A toddler is going to struggle to build a relationship with a parent they don’t see every day.

          • Anon

            Very, very anon for this but I contemplated leaving my functional alcoholic spouse when my kids were small. Then I realized that the alcoholism would be nearly impossible to prove, would not impact his custody, and that it would be safest for our kids if we stayed together. A divorce lawyer confirmed all of this especially since he’s not violent, has a good job, and nobody ‘sees’ the heavy drinking at home past 9pm.

          • Anon

            Isn’t there also research that says divorce is easier on the kids before the teen years? I think a lot of women put up with manchildren for the young years, get to preschool/early elementary and realize they don’t want this for the rest of their life, and think it will be better for the kids to divorce now than when they are teens

          • Anon

            My theory is that it’s twofold:
            1) the infant/toddler years are so all consuming that the Moms don’t have the capacity to take on the “project” of a divorce until they’re out of them
            2) having another adult physically present is helpful with infants/toddlers, even if it’s a man child. They just need to be present enough to keep the kid alive while Mom takes a shower. Once this kids are old enough to keep themselves alive during these “breaks”, the man child is no longer useful.

        • Sasha

          I’ve noticed in my mom’s friends (late 50s/early 60s, all with children) who are divorced that basically none of them are interested in seriously dating even years after the split. I participate in their book club so I hear all the stories–it’s very much an attitude of “men, who needs ’em!”, and they all seem to be loving life. I have always wondered if it’s because in hindsight they view their husbands are particularly involved sperm donors–a means to an end of having a family, and now that they got what they wanted (children and some support in raising those children), the idea of saddling up with another man just for the partnership is not appealing.

          This is not to downplay the trauma of divorce at all–I know it must’ve been devastating, but it’s been interesting to see how many of them are in no rush to get involved with a man again.

          • Anon

            I see this (also with widows who were happily married). It’s like they don’t want another adult and/or his aging parents to take care of now that their children are independent. Can’t say I blame them.

            The men always recouple. IMO, that’s because they see them as being taken care of by a partner (so: gaining an asset) vs taking on an obligation.

          • Anon

            I mean would you want to spend the last half of your life taking care of some new man baby after doing it for the first half?

          • anon

            If, god forbid, things ended with my DH (either due to death or something else unthinkable), I don’t know that I’d be in a rush to have a serious relationship again. Because 1) My husband is fantastic, and I know so, so many men who just aren’t; and 2) I think I’d be quite happy just doing my own thing, free from complications with a whole new set of family members.

        • Anon

          I swear to god those elementary school divorces…. My kids were be friends with the a couple of kids whose parents were divorcing so suddenly Dad either thought, my family and I could be the new childcare arrangement, and/or maybe I would sleep with Dad. The last thing I needed when I was rushing to get my kids to school on time was some dad trying to chat me up. Gross.

    • Anon

      With the amount of complaining my girlfriends do about their husbands, I’m actually shocked most of them are still married. I am mid-40s and same age ranges generally. One is on a second marriage with older kids and the others have young to schmedium kids.

      • Anon

        This is me, haha. I’m shocked that so many people are still married because they all seem unhappy.

        • Senior Attorney

          I was utterly miserable in my first two marriages and I honestly thought it was a feature of the institution of marriage, not a bug in those particular marriages. Now that I’m in a good marriage I can see I was wrong, but… I think Anon at 11:59 a.m. has a good point. A lot of people are indeed really unhappy in their marriages but are either resigned to it or think it’s normal, or (like me back in the day) are too scared to leave.

    • Anon

      I am about 10 years older, but 10 years ago, I would have said exactly the same thing. Divorce ran through our neighborhood like it was the flu. We knew several couples who got divorced during the same 2-year period, and we don’t even really know that many people. They all had kids still at home. Yes, it made me sad also to see so many of my peers throwing away their marriages for affairs or “we have just grown apart.” Obviously I know there are legitimate reasons for divorce at every range, but this set sort of floored me with the casualness with which one of the spouses walked away.

      • Anon

        Were they being casual? Or did their spouse treat them like garbage in private and they finally walked away and refused to badmouth the ex?

        • Anon

          The casual spouse told me the story, with her own mouth, while we were standing in REI. Could not have been less bothered to have walked out on her husband and children. She was adamant that her husband did not see it coming and also did not want the divorce. Another woman and her husband ended up staying together after she had an affair with a married man in the neighborhood. Divorce or don’t divorce, but an affair is just gross.

          • Senior Attorney

            Timidly suggesting that claiming she is casual in a (ahem) casual converstaion is not the same thing as actually being casual.

      • Anon

        I wrote above about my own divorce at age 33. Don’t assume you know that someone is “casually” throwing a great marriage away. You don’t know what private hell they’ve been in.

    • Anon

      Anecdotally, it seems a lot of couples go through a rough patch at the 15-20 year mark, even those who had been solid for years before. Some of it is the kids growing up and leaving and the family feels unmoored from previous routines, sometimes it’s the proverbial midlife crisis/freaking out that this is “all there is” before their best sexual years are over, sometimes it’s just the daily grind taking a mental toll when the initial years of romance have ended and love becomes true WORK. In fact, I don’t know that any couple really escapes it. Some choose to cut and run and hope the grass is greener; others double down, put in the effort and build a midlife marriage that’s even better; and some plod along and don’t bother and just live separate lives under one roof. (Putting aside cases of abuse or extreme trauma, speaking in generalities).

      I’m not quite there myself but I’ve seen it with a lot of older friends, cousins, parents friends, etc. I know that tough patch is coming (I’ve been married 11, together for 16) and I hope I have the clarity to remember what a fundamentally good person my spouse is and put in the work to create mature love and be in that second group.

      • Anonymous

        I think what you have to remember about that 15-20 year mark, is that it usually is hitting along with a lot of other life sh*t. Older parent issues/elder care, kids getting older and the issues that come with that, illness, bigger expenses, job changes, etc. It’s harder to manage the whole lot of it sometimes.

      • anon

        Oh, I feel this so much. My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 14. He turned 40 last year, I’m turning 40 in a couple of months. Our kid is in elementary school. I’m relatively new to my “big job” position. We’ve had less help from our parents since the pandemic started, and now we can see them turning that corner of needing more from us. There’s so much to life that just feels like a grind. I’m struggling with anxiety and insomnia. It’s just hard to maintain space for joy and fun in our everyday lives, especially together. We do still have fun when we create that space, but we really have to invest time and money to do it.

    • Anonymous

      I am 47 and haven’t experienced this (yet), but many in my circle have kids older. But I would also look at the impact of the pandemic and all of the stress and life change it caused – that could be part of this.

      • Anonymous

        Hoo boy the pandemic caused a lot of divorces. Nothing like being stuck inside with someone 24/7 to realize you don’t like them.

    • Anonymous

      I’m late 30s and haven’t seen that many among my age group, but lately a lot of couples I know in their 50s and 60s seem to be getting divorced. I think it’s the kids are out the house and they realize they have nothing in common anymore phase, amplified by people actually being home more instead of at the office in the pandemic to have this realizaiton.

    • Anon

      That’s when the divorces started rolling in to my social circle. I’m 10 years older now and most of those couples are on their second marriage/big relationship, as am I. I’d say almost 50% of those big expensive weddings I went to in my late 20s early 30s didn’t last for the long run.

    • Seventh Sister

      I’m 47 and there’s definitely been a wave of divorces in my circle over the last decade. Certainly not everyone and not even close to 50%, but way more divorces than marriages.It is sad, but I don’t think any of these relationships were salvageable.

      The one that was the biggest shock was a couple where the guy had been having an affair for years and the woman was a close friend who was absolutely blindsided. A few weren’t terribly surprising, and one came as a relief (I’d disliked the guy for many many years so now I never have to see him).

    • Anon

      At least of people I know, the reasons for the seemingly out of nowhere divorces:

      -A lot of people who didn’t want to be married. They got married because society says so or they wanted kids.

      -BAD gardening. Lots of years of trying on the part of the wife to get husband to learn. Eventually, it became “you can lead a horse to water but this horsey would die of dehydration next to Lake Michigan.”

      -Infidelity.

      -Married too young and were never happy.

      • Anonymous

        I LOL’d at “you can lead a horse to water but this horsey would die of dehydration next to Lake Michigan” and will be using this phrase in the future.

  21. Anonymous

    Laundry question: how can I get an oil-based stain out of a sweatshirt if it’s been washed and dried twice (and an application of Shout failed)?

    • Anon

      Dawn dish soap. Let it soak overnight and launder again. Not a guarantee but Dawn is the only thing that I’ve found that works on oil-based stains.

    • Anon

      Another vote for dish soap. Slather it all over the stain very thickly, rub it in really well, and let it sit overnight. Wash the shirt in cold water with no detergent, let it air dry to see if the stain is gone (if not, repeat all of this), then wash one more time like normal and dry.

    • Sunshine

      Did it all the time – like every week at least – when I was in a job I hated. Now that I’m in the right job for me, no crying at work. I’m not saying you’re in the wrong job, but I’d consider that possibility if this becomes a frequent event.

    • Anonymous

      Same. I’m still mad about it too. I’m listening to the SALT playlist on Spotify loudly (AirPods) to try and kick myself into a better headspace.

    • joan wilder

      I read somewhere… possibly here… that crying is just a physical reaction like sneezing or yawning so that’s what I tell myself when it happens to me. I also know that I have people I manage cry in my office time to time and while I feel for them and want to address the situation, I certainly don’t judge them or alter my opinion of them.

      • OP

        Thank you. My automatic reaction to any kind of frustration is crying which is SO annoying. I’m not sad or upset, I’m mad!!!

        • anon

          I cry when I’m mad and frustrated too! I never cry when I’m sad. I also laugh when I’m anxious, which can be just as bad as crying in frustration.

  23. Anon

    My BF’s college friend invited us to a Saturday night black-tie optional wedding and I bought a long, simple, strapless black gown that seemed appropriate for a wedding with strangers, as well as for having for life in general (always good to have a black gown). The wedding just got changed to semi-formal. Internet research is unhelpful for what semi-formal means and I’m wondering whether my floor-length dress will still be appropriate or if I need to start my search again. TIA!

    • Anon

      I would wear this without a second thought. They probably changed it because a lot of their guests didn’t have black tie attire.

    • Cat

      you’re fine.

      I’ve seen black-tie optional get downgraded a few times in my family. It’s never on the invite, just on the wedding webs-te. The brides of my male cousins wanted people with tuxes to feel festive and wear them. But that side of the family is very midwestern-not-fancy and all complained to the parents of the grooms that they felt pressured to go buy new clothes.

  24. Anon

    I have been looking for a blazer like this for years. To wear with my navy neutrals. Unfortunately cropped ain’t my thing.

  25. Z

    Got the invitation for my 4th wedding of the year yesterday. Compared to the post above about divorces in your 40s, I’m approaching 30 and my friends just keep! getting! married!

    • anon

      The year I turned 30, my best friend, my husband’s best friend, and my husband’s brother all got married within 6 weeks of each other. They also all got married in hard-to-travel-to places across the country–Kalamazoo, Colorado Springs, and Ithaca. (We do not live in a major hub.) My husband was in all 3 weddings, and I was the maid of honor in my friend’s wedding. Between bachelor and bachelor*tte parties, dresses and suits, and travel expenses for the actual weddings, we spent about $15K on other people’s weddings that year. We saved for a year to be able to afford it all.

      • Anonymous

        The bach party and bridal shower expectations are out of hand. No, I cannot afford the time or $ to travel for three separate weekends because you are getting married, even if you are a dear friend.

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