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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Reader A wrote in to recommend this dress, noting “I bought this dress online, and since I couldn’t try it on, I was skeptical. But I am so pleased! This dress is professional, flattering, and easy to accessorize.” I love a report from the field! It's available in vermont pine, as well as heather charcoal — and it's on sale. Was $198, now marked to $148 at JCrew.com. Clea Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]. (L-2)Sales of note for 8.30.24
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Selia
Cute dress – love the color.!
Would worry that the pleats in front could make me look “poochy”??
Emily I
I have two dresses with pleats like this and I’ve found them to be exceptionally flattering on me. (I’m fairly thin, but I’ve had three kids, so I’m not exceptionally fit in the middle anymore.)
I love everything about this dress – the color, the waist detail, the neckline, the sleeve length, the hem length. I wish I hadn’t just blown my clothing budget!
Ellen
I recieved my last paycheck last year and bought a NEW pleated dress for the firm party New Years’ Eve, and I WORE it to the firm banquet afterward’s. I was complemented alot for it, b/c it was slightly below the knee and was VERY styleish.
Even the manageing partners’ wife said I looked VERY styleish.
I decided to WEAR it to work again, and now every assistant says “that is what you Wore to the BANQUET”. Why do they care? FOOEY on them!
SC
I have this dress, and the pleats are very flattering on me, despite my natural “pooch.” Actually, I think the shape of the dress is better for curvy figures than for straight figures.
Diana Barry
How long is it, if you don’t mind my asking? I might stalk it if it is long enough for me. :)
Anon
If it helps, I’m 5-8 and it hits me about a half an inch higher than shown on the model.
Lee
Same for me. I’d say it runs longer and maybe a size larger than typical J.Crew dresses. I ended up getting it altered and love the fit now.
I’m quite happy with the quality of the fabric, but it’s more of a scratchy “natural” wool than suiting-type wool.
AIMS
I have the dress, too. I’m about 5’3/5’4 and it is the right length for me (just on the longer side of knee length). I should think that on someone more than a few inches taller, it would be too short.
Also, while the color is great and the dress is very flattering, the fabric is cheap feeling. I expected better. It’s a bit too burlap sack for my liking. I don’t think I would have even tried it on in-store based on the fabric, but having gotten it home, I decided to keep it because it is just so very flattering.
Also, if it’s not obvious, it is very warm. Definitely not a year round dress. And, I had to have the sleeves shortened. On my admittedly short-ish arms, the bracelet length just looked awkward, I had the tailor take in 2 inches. Perhaps on taller people, the sleeves will be the right length. Re sizing: it runs large.
anon
Does the fabric hold up well during the day? I have a couple of dresses that seem to stretch out in the seat area over the course of the day. The way you describe the fabric, it sounds like that might be an issue. Maybe just for people like me with somewhat large cabooses. I love the dress, though, am considering ordering.
Clea dress
I bought this dress and it went right back. I didn’t like it at all. The material is super cheap, the teal color is very cool (I like a bit more saturated color) and it just looked like a big bag on me. And I’m pretty curvy. This dress also runs quite large. I’m usually a 4 or 6 in dresses, but the 4 was falling off on me. Definitely go down one size if you decide to buy this. This dress looked really matronly on me.
There is a beautiful lavender floral Jcrew dress in stores (and online too). The quality of that dress is far superior and pretty flattering.
AIMS
Anon – the fabric holds up fine during the day. I iron it before the next wear. Haven’t dry cleaned it yet so can’t speak long term.
a passion for fashion
I just ordered it (and one other)! hopefully its as flattering on me :)
AN
I am so relieved to hear i’m not the only poochy person out there:)
Fringe benefit of pregnancy – pooch is hidden for a few mths!
MelD
I have a few dresses/skirts with similar pleats and they are flattering if you have a curvier figure.
b23
Me too. I always feel very slim in dresses like this.
Now I’m a little worried because I just bought this in my regular size and am wondering if I should have sized down based on AIMS’s comment.
AIMS
Perhaps you can call them and have them send another size with your order?
EC MD
I have a black cocktail dress in a heavy brocade in a similar shape (though sleeveless). I thought it would look terrible, but it actually looks great on my curvy/pear shaped figure. Skims over my bottom and thighs, creating volume that looks lovely and not too heavy.
eek
I wish JCrew would allow comments on their items, similar to Anthropologie’s website. The comments are immensely helpful.
Eleanor
I agree. The comments on the Anthropologie website are hugely helpful, and make me much more comfortable buying things online I haven’t already tried on in person. I wonder if J.Crew is worried a comment page would just devolve into complaints about their deteriorating quality.
While I’m on this, I also wish J.Crew would switch to a viewing format like Anthro’s that allows you to open a “quick view” window on an item without navigating to a different page, and that showed you a close up of the item when you mouse over it, rather than opening a new window.
Ok, probably this means I spend too much time on both these websites.
b23
I wholeheartedly agree with all of your comments!
Anonsensical
I totally agree, but Eleanor’s probably right – I’m sure J Crew knows it would get a ton of unfavorable reviews.
On a related note, I hate when reviewers say things like “runs big!” or “tight in the chest!” without including their own measurements and what size they ordered. For all I know, they ordered too big a size, or have a 38DD chest and tried an XS.
eek
That is so true; also, reviewers that use the comment feature to discuss something unrelated to the product.
Example: below is a review of Halogen sweater (the description says to order up a size):
“The Colors are complementary for summer and spring use but the sizing is rediculous
I am in my 50’s and dress fashionably , no ted hose or wallabies for me. As buyers need to be moree aware of is that as women age , often they put on weight in the breast area. Offering products that are sized smaller than expected is not only a waste of my time but is a reminder that we are no longer stick thin. Radional? who knows but it can make one feel that way.
I wear a comformtable medium in faconable and other products. I am lost for an explanation as to why undersizing still occurs especially in more conservative , non -trendy items. What are the statistics of women loosing weight during and after menapause? Thing about this stradigy and stop wasting other’s time.”
zora
Ha! eek, you should send this in to least helpful dot com, where they post the worst internet reviews….. and which is also a great site to visit if you want to kill 4 hours or so and get nothing done.
Anonymous
Ha–my abs are sore from a workout and laughing at this kind of hurt. But worth it ;)
phillygirlruns
you have to do a little legwork, but jcrewaficionada dot blogspot is a good place to look for comments on the fit, quality, etc. of specific j.crew items. gigisgoneshopping dot com is even better, particularly when things are on final sale – she posts lists of items together with links to either her own posts with pictures of her trying stuff on, or to other bloggers’ posts. through her i’ve managed to find one or two bloggers with similar shapes to my own, which is REALLY helpful in figuring out how online-only clothes are going to work for me.
typing all that out made me realize just how much freaking work j.crew is. why do i like this brand so much?
Anonsensical
I love this color and have been seeing so much of this past year. Wish it didn’t look so awful on me, though! I’m more of a chartreuse kind of girl.
Any advice out there on how to cold call a networking contact without being totally self-conscious and awkward? There’s a person in my hometown who does really interesting work in my field, and I’m looking to do the same kind of work in the next year or two. I’m not really looking for a job from this person (although it would rock if she happens to think I’d make a good hire once she knows I exist) – I just want to make a connection. A business acquaintance of mine knows her pretty well and told me I could use his name (i.e., “Hi Ms. Awesome, I know Mr. So-and-So and he suggested I contact you out of the blue like this!”) but I still feel totally weird. What should I say? Should I request an in-person meeting in her office, or over coffee? I hate talking using the phone, but I’ve been told email is not a good way to contact this person.
Nancy P
It’s hard. What I would do is write down a script, or at least talking points, to make myself feel less nervous. I would keep it simple:
-I am X
-Y said I should contact you
-I am really interested in Z kind of word
-Can we have coffee?
Then take a deep breath and get it over with. :)
Networking
I don’t think it’s totally weird, and I just think you should suck it up and make the call. The times when I’ve called someone “awkwardly” have turned out great! They made me feel comfortable that I’d called, and set up a meeting/gave advice/passed along my resume and left the door open for follow-up. In my experience, people are willing to help sincere people, so just come right out and say that your acquaintance suggested you call.
another anon
This. The vast majority of people who you reach out to like this are going to be nice to you. I emailed and called a ton of people when I was networking for my current position, and most were extremely nice and helpful. (Only one person was really a jerk, and now that I am in the field, I know that he is just kind of a jerk to everyone, and it wasn’t personal.) When people call me like this now, I am always nice and try to be helpful (and will usually even take them to lunch if they are local), because so many people helped me out when I was trying to get in the door–I feel like now it is my turn to do the same for someone else.
I would say something about how your business associate thinks highly of her and recommended that you get in touch because she is so knowledgeable about X. i.e., open with a compliment. And then ask if she’d be willing to meet for coffee, or lunch, whatever is most convenient for her.
anon
While I agree that most people will be kind and they will be inclined to help you, they will also want to help you in the most efficient way possible and will appreciate a little preparation on your part. I field calls like these all the time and it annoys me to no end when people call with no apparent clue as to what they want from me, other than some unspecified “help”.
Be prepared to tell them who you are, what you’re doing, how you got their contact info and what specifically you would like them to do for you – whether it’s schedule a chat, refer you to a colleague, take a look at your CV, share their own career history, or what.
Good luck!
another anon
Oh yes, of course. I didn’t mean to imply that the OP should call without being prepared first. I just meant that the OP should relax, because chances are this person is going to be nice and helpful.
Ruby
I prefer an email first, not too long please, but with 2-3 paragraphs on who you are, why you are contacting me, etc. I generally do not have free time during the day, so if I happen to pick up the phone thinking it may be someone else, I’ll be caught off guard and need to politely hang up to get back to what I’m doing. Highly suggest consideration of email first- then she can schedule a time with you that works for her for phone or in person follow up. Unless she really is too busy at that time- I’ve told people yes but in a few months due to travel etc.
a.
When faced with terror-inducing situations like this, it helps me if I figure out what is absolutely the worst thing that could possibly happen (in this case, I’d think it would be an awkward phone conversation where she’s like, “Um, don’t call me again”), and then the best (she hires me once she knows I exist); from there I decide if the potential awesome result is enough to outweigh the potential awful one. Usually, it is.
I also think Nancy P’s advice for a script and/or talking points is really great.
karenpadi
Deep breath. This is actually very common in business. People expect calls like this.
It’s always helped me to imagine myself on the other side of the conversation. Let’s say a high school senior who knows your hairdresser (or some other random connection) called you out of the blue to ask about your undergrad experience at your alma mater. How would you feel/react? Would you offer to sign their application to waive the fee or help them in some other way? Of course. See, no big deal!
Anonsensical
Thanks everyone! Made the call, everything is great, I’m still alive. Why, oh why, am I so scared to call people?
Blonde Lawyer
Litigators and others that have to “perform” – how do you stop rehashing and critiquing yourself after a hearing or trial or other event? I got half way through a very contentious hearing yesterday before it was continued. There was another lawyer from another firm observing the hearing due to her connection with my client and I can’t stop thinking about everything I did and said and how I could have done it differently and which was right and which was wrong, etc. I’m considering asking her for feedback/constructive criticism from a mentor/mentee perspective. I’m not sure if it is because I have to go back and finish this at some point or if it is because I was observed by another lawyer, but I just can’t let this one go and get back on my other work. While I’m of course trying to do my other work, I just can’t stop thinking about this case!
On other cases, even those that finish while I’m there, I come back from court so full of adrenaline that I have trouble doing anything else for the rest of the day. Wine at night certainly helps but doesn’t help from 12-6 if the hearing was in the morning! Any tips?
Monday
I totally relate. I’m an academic–both teaching and research–and I am 100% “performing” when I lecture and, higher stakes, when I present my research (which is usually to a bunch of men in their 50s and 60s). The hardest part, which can least be planned for, is dealing with Q & A. It can get fairly adversarial if someone does not agree with your findings. I always obsess about how I could have handled things differently afterward.
One thing I’ve learned is that it helps to schedule some less mentally involved work in the hours immediately following the event. This is stuff that needs to be done but does not require my full concentration; the less mentally demanding tasks involved in my job. If I’m going to mull anyway, might as well use that time productively so that things are taken care of when I can concentrate again.
I also make notes on what I feel I handled well, and what could have been done better. Often, these lists reveal that it actually went pretty well overall. Even if they don’t, however, it’s a “teaching moment” for myself!
I think asking for feedback from your colleague is a good idea. I have done this as well. I wouldn’t lead, however, with the sentiment that you’re doubting yourself so much. If you can ask in a totally neutral way, do so: “I’m interested in any feedback you may have on my performance yesterday.” If you have specific areas you need comments on, raise them, but I’ve really regretted it every time I’ve let on to someone like this that I feel like I “blew it.” Chances are they have no idea what I’m talking about anyway. I’m sure you did a great job, and that all this experience is making you better.
Another Sarah
For your rehashing and self-critiquing, maybe try and think of it this way: No matter what you wish you would have said or did differently, it doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is what the judge/jury thought of what you said or did right then, not what you think about what you said or did right then. So, because at this point you don’t have any more control over what the judge/jury thought of what you said or did in the past, you can’t worry about it. It’s their responsibility to worry about it now. So let them worry about it, it’s one less thing you have to worry about, and you can worry about the things you can control right now.
I know, it’s mentally the equivalent of taking a running jump across the ocean. But when you get to the other side, it’s pretty liberating. And I don’t think there’s any harm in asking the other lawyer for her constructive criticism; it’s how you learn about what the judge/jury worried about, and how you can improve. Which isn’t a bad thing. :-)
SC
You could have a glass of wine at lunch to calm your nerves earlier :) Depending on the culture in your city, you might want to travel a bit away from work to drink at lunch.
AnonInfinity
This is something I’ve really had to work on. My recurring thoughts and critiques about myself were causing major anxiety, and I actually went to cognitive behavioral therapy for help. It worked wonders. It helped me recognize when I’m going into a spiral and then bring myself out of it, and it usually works.
I’ll have a thought like, “You shouldn’t have read so much during that closing.” Then I’ll think something like, “Ok. For next time.” If the thought pops up again, I just don’t even acknowledge it mentally and make myself think of something else. It took a lot of practice, but now I don’t get fixated on those thoughts very often at all.
This doesn’t help for the adrenaline problem. I still haven’t figured out a solution to that one!
Anon
I allow myself to rehash what happened for about 20 minutes afterwards and then I force myself to move on. It’s done and there is nothing that can be done now. I also really like to “de-brief” with my co-workers after big hearings. It helps to just talk it out. I also go for a run sometimes, even in the middle of the day after a big court appearance. Sometimes I just need to burn up all that adrenaline!
SouthernLegal
This. I also take a few minutes afterwards to jot down a few things I liked about my presentation, what I would want to change, and what I liked/didn’t like about opposing counsel’s presentation. Nothing too detailed, just enough to remind me later. I keep a small notebook in my desk just for this. Sometimes when I am feeling especially nervous or uninspired for the next hearing/trial, I pull it out and review to get ideas.
ouch ouch ouch
Guys, I need some random advice. What would you suggest to replace one of those warm-in-the-microwave heating pads for someone who has an achy shoulder and no microwave?
Details: I learned a few weeks ago that I have an odd condition known as Parsonage Turner Syndrom, which accounts for the fairly serious pain I’ve been feeling around my left shoulder blade since November. My case is a mild one, and my doctor says it will go away on its own (indeed, apparently the pain is because the damaged nerves and muscles are healing), but I haven’t found much to counteract the pain. My instinct is to put heat and pressure on it, but the only heated pads or wraps I’ve been able to find for muscle pain are intended to be microwaved. I’ve tried the single-use stick-on pads, and those are okay, but I’d much rather have something a) heavier, like those old-fashioned heating pads full of dry rice, and b) reusable. Any ideas? Do you think I could put one of the microwaveable things in the oven? Should I just stick to sitting with my shoulder wedged against the radiator in my living room?
Anon
A heating pad that you plug into an electrical outlet.
S in Chicago
I highly recommend getting one specific to shoulders. Walgreens carries one that is weighted, and its been like heaven for my neck/shoulder strain. There are snaps on it as well, so you can adjust for closer fit. It was more of a splurge than the regular ones ($40 I think?) but well worth it.
zora
here’s one that is designed for neck/shoulders: http://www.overstock.com/Health-Beauty/Thermotech-Neck-Shoulder-Moist-Digital-Heating-Pad/4395673/product.html
AIMS
Heating pad would work. So would a hot water bottle.
AIMS
http://www.amazon.com/Transparent-Classic-Hot-Water-Bottle/dp/B000MR5RBI
Tired Squared
Try an electric heating pad (meaning the kind with an outlet that you plug into the wall). Make sure it has an auto-off feature, just in case!
Alternatively, my grandmother has one of the microwave bags that you’re talking about. Hers is filled with cherry (or peach?) pits that she warms up in the oven. I’ve also seen her put it in the freezer to create an instant cold pack (perfect for headaches). I’m not sure if the rice ones work in the same way, but you could always get one with cherry pits instead.
Similar
I have a neck pillow filled with buckwheat that you put in the microwave for two minutes to make hot. It is great and feels heavy and conforms to my neck perfectly.
SunnyD
My mom and I both have the “Origins De-Stress hug” and love it. I heat mine at night and put it in my bed while I brush my teeth so my bed is already warm when I climb in. It’s easier than finding a man to warm up the bed :)
http://www.origins.com/product/4200/19636/Great-Gifts/Price/Under-55/Bedtime-Hug/index.tmpl
Tuesday
Have you tried icing? My first reaction to muscle pain is to go for heat, but for particular things my PT and doc have recommend ice, and I’ve had good results.
Seattleite
Heat Wave Instant Heat Pack, available from Amazon. Or that other brand, available from Annoying Kiosk Guys at a mall near you.
eek
There isn’t a lot to counteract the pain, unfortunately. SO has had two episodes (6 yrs apart) and pressure was the best thing for him, with heat a distant second and painkillers providing little to no relief. I would sit for ages applying pressure to the affected area and that was the only thing that provided relief.
a passion for fashion
OMG (I never use this phrase, but its warranted here) I have this. I was diagnosed last year and its crazy painful. in fact, i was just sitting here right now thinking how bad i was hurting today. I have not tried heat on this, but maybe i will now. Maybe jsut a regular old heating pad — the kind you plug in.
ouch ouch ouch
OMG back to you! I figured I would include the diagnosis on the very rare chance that someone else here knew about it–I’ve never met anyone else who has it.
Have you tried anything that works? Honestly, I know it sounds crazy, but sitting wedged up against a radiator actually does seem to help–I don’t know why I keep seeking out heat (maybe it relaxes the muscles?), but that constant warm pressure seems to at least be the right kind of distraction.
(I have also wondered about getting a kind of sling or a brace to just kind of constantly hold everything in place, but I feel as though that would both look silly and be fairly non-functional.)
a passion for fashion
Im on some medications that help and take pain killers from time to time, but no; i have not found anything that really fixes it. its very frustrating. I am going to try the heat and see if that works.
zora
i had a massage therapist who used a crock pot to heat up a flax seed pillow instead of the microwave. She just had to line the crockpot with a towel or sarong to keep the pillow from touching the sides, and not leave it in there too long, but it’s pretty quick.
Jas
I have little reusable handwarmers about the same size as your hand. You boil them in a pot of water to “recharge” them, then snap a little metal piece inside the gel pouch to get them going again. I’m not sure what brand they are, but they’re commonly sold at outdoors stores.
Kanye East
You might want to look into a small TENS (transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation) device. If you are able to try electric stim at a PT’s office and respond well to it, a lot of insurers cover a smaller, at-home version of the device. I don’t have PTS, but I got a TENS unit a few years ago and it’s great for pain management. I love mine.
Anonymous
ThermaCare Heat Wraps — like the handwarmers for skiing, but with adhesive patches to hold them on and cut in different shapes to fit on shoulder or back, etc. Stay warm for +/- 8 hours and you can find them at the drugstore. Worth every penny.
Liana
Ouch is right. I have chronic shoulder pain from an old injury, and the best thing I’ve found is using Icy Hot patches. The menthol helps relax and I think also distract from the pain. I also use an electric heating pad (PSA – not with menthol patches!) and one of the rice or buckwheat microwaveable things, but those aren’t quite as useful for pain management for me.
Ashley
Gorgeous dress… and paired with yesterday’s gorgeous shoes, I think this outfit would make me happy to get dressed in the morning. Oh, paired with some other kind of plum/eggplant/purple accessories!
b23
Great idea. Those colors would look great together.
TCFKAG
For real. Yesterdays shoes and this dress would be one h*ll of a look!
Em
Hey guys – I could use some dress suggestions from the hive. I’m going to a “black tie optional” wedding at a country club in Florida in March, and am having trouble finding a dress. I’m a size 14 normally, but I also have a disproportionately large chest that tends to make finding dresses that fit difficult unless I’m shopping in plus sizes (which seem to be cut for it more than straight sizes). I’d also rather go with something that’s not jersey. Has anyone seen anything nice and appropriate?
Thank you!
Bluejay
What’s your price range? I’m a similar size, and Tadashi Shoji dresses almost always fit great. You can get them at nicer department stores like Nordstrom or Bloomie’s, or sometimes on designer discount sites like Shopbop or Bluefly.
Em
I was looking for something under $150 ideally, but definitely under $200.
Thank you for the Tadashi Shoji suggestion, and I had forgotten about Bluefly; I’ll take a look!
Bluejay
I also have gotten nice c-cktail dresses from Talbots, on sale for under $150. They also fit my body shape well.
Accountress
I second Tadashi- it’s an amazing collection, and well worth the investment.
mamabear
Third Tadashi. That’s my go-to for formal events, and I sometimes buy it new with tags on ebay.
mamabear
PS I’m a 14 on top, 14/16 on bottom and Tadashi fits me well.
R in Boston
Agreed on Tadashi (I’m a 14/16 with a 36G). I’ve had good luck finding their dresses at Nordstrom Rack. JS Boutique/Collection also has some options that might be closer to your price range.
Bluejay
I am so so glad that dresses with sleeves are in again. Manufacturers, take note. I have bought three dresses this season after not buying a new dress for ages.
Former MidLevel
Amen!
anon
Love this dress! I may order it, if I can decide which color. I tend to like gray, but wear a lot of it, maybe it’s time to branch out into other colors.
Has anyone bought the Schoolboy Blazer in Herringbone? It’s a rayon blend, just wondered if it wrinkled much. I really want it in the Chili color, as more of a weekend jacket, something to throw over a t-shirt and jeans to dress it up a little. Although I love all the colors, hard to pick. And I’m wondering about the metallic thread in the description, I can’t see it in the picture, so I’m assuming it’s subtle. I’m not a big fan of metallic threads.
anon
Here’s the link to the blazer
http://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/blazersandvests/schoolboy/PRDOVR~37852/37852.jsp
Supra
If at all possible, I suggest going to a J. Crew store to see their products. More than any other store, I find that their website is terrible at conveying the actual fabric/look of their items. It goes both ways, too. There are things I would never look twice at online that are simply gorgeous in the store and things that look great online, but are a hot mess of cheap fabric and bad color up close.
anon
Good idea, I’ll check and see if they have this in stock. Our local store is kind of small, though, it seems like they never have the things I like from the website.
anonette
I own this blazer! Picked it up at a J Crew sale in the fall for $21.00 :)
I got it in “aged driftwood” and I wear it with jeans all the time. I also wear it over brightly colored dresses with tights to the office (it’s a nice piece to pear with the jewel toned things in my closet like royal blue, red, etc). No wrinkling issues and there is no metallic sheen on it.
MJ
Bought this, sent it back. Needed a tall. It ended up being really shapeless on me. Not a fan, and I have other JCrew blazers from other seasons….
b23
Does anyone actually use a new face product and see results right away? Mostly I’m talking about anti-aging creams. They always say people see a difference within 10 days or whatever, and I never do. Maybe I am too young so I don’t really have many wrinkles yet, but I’m worried I’m using all the wrong products!!!
s
I noticed a difference more or less immediately when I started using la mer. I had tried so many products that I wasn’t expecting much of a difference. I was getting weird itchy/flakiness and the serum and cream have helped.
That said, I am starting to develop smile lines and they seem to stay in check only when I am scrupulous about using the serum/cream twice daily.
anon
Happened for me when I started using Clinique’s Even Better Clinical Dark Spot Corrector. My skin was smoother within days, and dark spots started fading within 10-14 days. I was kind of shocked, actually.
Bluejay
No – actually I don’t see a difference after several years of use. Which is exactly the point.
Not to be a shill because I’ve mentioned this before, but I use the Paula’s Choice skin balancing line and Clinique eye cream and moisturizer, and I’m a big fan of antioxidants.
eek
You might be too young, but you’re also preventing. I see the most results with a facial/peel and that lasts several months.
The only products I’ve seen immediate results with are Kiehl’s Eye Alert and Josie Maran’s Argan Oil (which I purchased for my dry skin based on corporette recommendations – I think Kanye East and others). That Argan Oil is great stuff. My skin is smoother, looks softer, and has a nice youthful glow (without being oily). I put a few drops in the bath tub and use it on my hair.
Rad
Yes! I bought agran oil (Kai brand) and an Olay pro-x brush, and I have seen a marked difference in just a few weeks. Thanks to the corporettes who suggested the products!
Godzilla
Yo, I love you all for admitting to owning ancient pajamas. While dressing awesome and super profesh all day is great, sometimes a t-shirt that is so old that it’s literally not good enough to become rags is what hits the spot at the end of the day. I’ll get around to updating my pajama wardrobe….someday.
a.
Could not agree more. My default lounge-wear includes leggings that have too many indiscreet holes to be worn outside my front door, manky t-shirts from college events, and paint-stained sweatshirts. If I’m feeling really fancy I’ll wear a tank top. Yay for rags!
Sconnie
I was just thinking about this the other day, that I should get rid of my ratty “loungewear” and update to new stuff. Realistically though, it’s never going to happen. I just love wearing 10+ year old tshirts and old school sweatpants with the ankle elastic cut out way too much.
a.
Sweatpants with the ankle elastic cut out! How I love them.
Always a NYer
My favorite lounge about t-shirt is one my mom got me when I was like six years old. It’s red with a graphic of Winnie the Pooh and is so soft and comfy. Originally, it hit at my ankles. Now, it hits me mid-hip. I don’t see myself getting rid of that shirt until it literally falls apart when I go to put it on =p
TCFKAG
I still have a Winnie the Pooh night gown t-shirt that my mom got me in high school. I love it so much. They will pry it from my cold dead hands. :-)
MissJackson
My favorite t-shirt is a team shirt from my 6th grade softball team. It’s got that amazing worn a little bit thin “vintage t” feel. I’m so glad that everyone wore things ridiculously huge in the early nineties so it fits the adult version of me (probably better than the 6th grade version of me). Like TCFKAG, they will pry that t-shirt out of my cold dead hands.
Nonny
I have an ancient Roots sweatshirt that originally belonged to my high school/university boyfriend in the early ’90s and that I never returned to him. It is hopelessly shapeless but still warm and cozy, and I will never give it up.
a.
Can we play what-are-you-wearing-today? Since I’m bored. Already.
I am in a plaid Ralph Lauren button-down, which is mostly red/blue/purple, but with a bit of white and yellow (thrifted for $3, hooray); a gray knit cardigan from Old Navy, with sleeves rolled up to show the shirt’s plaid at cuff; a navy Ann Taylor pencil skirt, belted with a skinny navy leather belt; charcoal tights; Ferragamo riding boots; a cream pashmina; and champagne diamond studs.
Today’s outfit also represents day one of my new sartorial project, which is called Dressing For Reality, Not My Dreams. Specifically, my dreams that my office will ever be any temperature other than Arctic Tundra. I’m doing okay today, what with the 18 layers, except that my hands are already going numb. Sigh.
CMJNYC
charcoal gray JCrew wool pencil skirt, black turtleneck, black tights, black leather pumps, opera length pearl necklace, pearl stud earrings. Borrrrrrring.
Amy H.
I was just reading along, thinking, “This sounds lovely!” I think I like boring. :)
anon
Light gray tropical wool pantsuit from Ann Taylor, deep purple sleeveless shell from talbots, short necklace of those large fake pearls, black “bootie” heels from Clarks.
Bunkster
I’m wearing the black Gap premium pants, a blue and black print Halogen cap sleeve top, a red boatneck angora blend sweater, and black aerosole wedge heels, along with silver bangles, a blue enamel bangle, and a red beaded necklace.
The sweater was $16 on the clearance rack at TJMaxx. I bought it in 2 colors.
Woods-comma-Elle
Yay, let’s play!
Black skirt from Limited, teal cowl neck slip, cream jacket – from Forever 21 of all places, shhh don’t tell anyone). Silver and pearl long-ish necklace, black Ivanka Trump pumps (love love love).
JessC
Grey v-neck sweater with silver thread woven throughout from Loft. Silver necklace with a pendant in the shape of a dove (was my mom’s). A silver ring one each hand – a small one my right hand and a larger cocktail ring on my left (just now noticed that both are flowers). A pair of silver studs and a pair of pearl studs (yes, I have two sets of piercings in my ears). Black skirt suit from The Limited (first one I bought in law school – down 15 pounds and it fits again!). Burgundy pointy-toe AK Anne Klein heels.
A tiny bit toned down from my usual sartorial choices, but I have court this afternoon. :)
anonette
Charcoal grey skinny leg pants, blue Theory silk blouse (picked up at Nordstrom Rack for $22!), brown belt, white cardigan, brown knee high boots. Accessorized with gold earrings and my favorite “pick me up” necklace from Zara:
http://www.zara.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product/12201/en/zara-S2012/164501/631074/STAR+NECKLACE
b23
I love that necklace!
Julie
New dark green Lands End wool v-neck sweater dress (which my office manager/friend/enabler assures me is not too short — I bought the petite and it’s an inch or two above the knee), necklace of amber and amethyst-colored glass beads, slightly dangly earrings with the same amethyst beads and pearls, black textured tights and black knee-high boots with some traction on the soles because there was just enough snow on the ground this morning to be super-slippery. No 4-inch purple pumps here — also dressing for reality.
TCFKAG
I’m wearing a robe and pajamas because I’m working from home! Ha!
Diana Barry
Heheh. I am wearing Nike pants, and an old navy maternity t-shirt and fleecy zip-up (also working from home).
TCFKAG
My neighbor is coming over for tea in the afternoon and I’m going to have to put on jeans, boo.
Ruby
maternity yoga pants and cotton shirt- also working from home
and red fleece socks
Totes McGotes
Black and white graphic print 3/4 sleeve surplice dress from Avenue, black fleece tights, funky green bracelet from Loehmann’s, beat-up silver ballet flats, diamond hoop earrings.
Selia
Navy blue silk button down, kelly green sweater vest, long silver necklace, navy pinstripe pants, and dark purple pumps.
Equity's Darling
this sounds like a great outfit! I love the colour combo
Sweetknee
What’s wrong with me ? This sounds great, but I would have never chosen the dark purple pumps. I think I am color phobic.
Supra
Black Ann Taylor skirt (in the style of the skirt of today’s dress — not quite pencil, but with a little poufing and pleating at the front), black tights, J. Crew Martina Wedge shoes, white button up, blue cashmere v-neck sweater, J. Crew black/grey herringbone blazer (featured here, but purchased before it was featured), blue long beaded necklace.
phillygirlruns
love this color combination.
Genny
In honor of my Orangemen playing Georgetown tonight, I’m wearing (office-appropriate) orange and blue today!!! (you can click through to see the whole outfit)
KTY
GO ORANGE!!
Godzilla
Orange paisley??????? That is DELICIOUS. And the matching navy tights with navy suede wedges, swoon. A+ for you.
Genny
Thanks, Godzilla!
Equity's Darling
I was thinking about this game this morning as I got dressed!
Gray Theory skirt (the Golda I think?), red polka dot sheer blouse with bow tie neck (Banana), black fishnet stockings (from CK, but the ones with the nylon in between, it more looks like diamonds than street walker), a cardigan by Scotch Maison in black, and tory burch flats in black.
I also wore a head band today, which I avoid because I’m young, and I think it makes me look younger. Unfortunately, head bands are also a great look for my face, so….yeah, it happened. No jewellery today, I’m sick of taking it off and forgetting it at the gym, and having to go back to find it.
Also, nail polish is Chanel’s graphite. Yay for shiny things!
s
I love Graphite! It is my favorite for pedicures right now :)
Bonnie
BR gray tweed wide leg pants, Theory black top with side rushing, red cashmere sweater, my mother’s vintage silver locket and red suede shoes.
Always a NYer
Navy trousers, grey long-sleeve tee with a red pashmina wrapped around my shoulders because my building is freezing, and black boots. Really boring today so I added gold hoops and a shiny gold bracelet.
Accountress
Dark green boucle skirt from Talbots, black cotton 3/4 length sleeve shirt that I don’t remember buying, and bronze-y Croc wedges (because my velvet-y black Croc flats have worn through the bottom after 2 years :( )
Kady
I built my whole outfit from my tights, I know, weird. olive cowl neck sweater, magenta “the skirt”, darker magenta tights with beige and green stripes (hansel from basel), beige booties. I’ve linked to the polyvore set.
GRA
LOVE those booties!!
Kady
They’re isabel marant knock offs. I can’t afford the original.
Blonde Lawyer
Are those tights or thigh high socks? I bought a pair of thigh high socks when trying to buy knee high socks recently. I’m not sure how to wear them. I wore them once with a skirt that hit two inches below my knee and knee high boots. The socks didn’t show walking but did if I crossed my legs while seated. They looked like tights but felt taboo since I knew they were really socks.
Kady
They’re tights. The only clip that was available for polyvore are those that look like thigh highs, but I too cannot wear thigh highs.
Gooseberry
I want to buy every piece of this outfit!
Bunkster
Wow. I have the magenta skirt and an olive green sweater, but you’ve kicked it up several notches.
zora
srsly, this outfit is amazing, i am so jealous!!
phillygirlruns
love this game.
wearing wide-leg black trousers, dark purple short-sleeve/sleeveless shell with a cowl neck and a slight dolman effect (AT last year – i love this top and bought in three colors), charcoal blazer with subtle violet windowpane plaid (great find at theory outlet for about $100), black belt, black cole haan pumps – not sure if these are the air talia, the air violet or something else, but they have a 3″ heel and pointy toes. pearl studs, long black chain necklace with scattered pearls, david yurman blue topaz petite albion right, wedding set, rose gold MK watch.
Nonny
Blush pink sheer silk blouse with bow, under black Elie Tahari sheath dress. Black tights, black Sofft heels. I was in a rush to get out of the house today so underaccessorized, but I do have some gorgeous bright pink OPI polish on my nails! Can’t remember the name.
SOOO tired this morning, stayed up way too late last night for no good reason and am having trouble getting my day started.
Margaret
I look really cute today, if I do say so myself. Dressing while pregnant has been a new challenge to make me feel cute, especially since I haven’t generally been feeling well enough to really do my hair and makeup int he mornings. But! Today I’m wearing a new black jersey wrap dress (Gap’s maternity line) with some fierce brown and black snake-skin 3.5″ pumps from Ann Taylor. The wrap dress is brand new and makes me look pregnant instead of just chunky, and the shoes got me — not exaggerating — 3 compliments on the way in to work this morning. I’m going to wear them till my balance is gone. I also put on lipstick and wrapped my hair into a bun today. I feel beautiful … for the first time in 15 weeks. :)
TCFKAG
You go girl.
(Seriously, I can’t rock 3.5″ heels stone cold sober and unpreggers so, color me impressed).
Ella
It is so cute that you said this (“I look really cute today”). That’s a damn good feeling!
just Karen
I have to confess, this game always makes me feel inferior – I own some cute clothes, but so often get into “grab something comfy” mode. I am wearing grey slacks, a cobalt blue cardigan with a white cami underneath (sweater buttoned 2/3 of the way up). dangly silver earrings and black flats. Boooooring – but comfy. I am clueless when it comes to accessorizing :(
TCFKAG
Here’s the thing though — probably the vast majority of people who play are wearing something they really like that day. If they didn’t like what they were liking, or if it were really boring, they wouldn’t play. Its selection-bias.
s
True–I started playing this game with myself so that I would stop defaulting to the same deeply boring monochromatic outfits. And I must say that your outfit, just Karen, sounds much more interesting than many, many things I’ve worn even under my new determination to dress in colors other than black, white, and gray. Cobalt blue is just such a great color. :)
TCFKAG
Oh yeah — I should have said that I L O V E cobalt blue, especially with grey. I think that’s a lovely combo.
Research, Not Law
Haha, TCFKAG speaks the truth. If it makes you feel better, let me share the oh-so-inspired outfit I put together today: Brown shirt, grey cardigan (that I can’t take off since the shirt is sleeveless), dark jeans, brown loafers, no accessories. Blah, bland, and barely coordinated. I’d promise to do better tomorrow, but I have a cold and will probably be in comfort mode for the rest of the week ;)
I like S’s approach of playing the game with herself. Will try that…
Ella
Dude, I’ve got a navy blue sweater, tan boots, and jeans that are plain ill-fitting, no two ways about it. I was momentarily happy that they were near falling off, and then realized that’s because they once fit around my waist – now it’s around my hips.
So I think I actually *need* this thread to inspire me!
TK1
My style has been based on warmth because my office is freezing. Today I wore beige pinstripe Editor pants, which would normally look great with a sleek blouse, but I paired it with a black sweater and black boots so I would be warm. I felt frumpy all day, but I was warm!
a.
Agree! I started it today because, well, first of all I was bored out of my skull, but secondly because I love the plaid shirt I was wearing. (I say “was” because I work in education and we got out early for impending Doomsday Weather, so I threw on jeans and an oh-so-polished long-sleeved t as soon as I got home.) Note that I did not start it yesterday, when I was wearing a thrilling pant/t-shirt/cardigan/scarf combination.
a.
BTW, I am not meaning to hate on pant/t-shirt/cardi combos. I wear some iteration of them three or four days a week. I just always feel fancier and foxier in a skirt.
And I also make myself participate in these things even on days where I’m wearing my workday equivalents to sweatpants, so I can shame myself into doing better the next day.
phillygirlruns
corporette in general, and these posts in particular, are what inspired me to stop my go-to “grab something comfy” and start accessorizing a bit more and generally dressing more like a grown-up. for the most part it’s meant going to blazers instead of cardigans and trying to branch out of white t-shirts for wearing underneath stuff. i’d say i do well with it at least three, maybe four days out of the week. there’s always that one day where it’s cardigan city.
Godzilla
Gurrrrl, don’t even. I’m wearing shame, nail polish and sneakers today. You’re just fine.
TechAnon
This made me laugh!
Totes McGotes
<3!!
mamabear
What size do you wear in shame, where did you get it, and how’s the fit?
a.
I was wondering all of this.
Godzilla
Kmart. It’s a bit too loose but conveniently hanging off my back and clinging to my butt. Definitely a glue-my-@$$-to-my-chair kinda day.
TCFKAG
Godzilla, you’re on fire today. +100 to Gryffindor!!
Ella
Ok, that just killed me.
kmm
I like this game because it challenges me to wear more interesting things sometimes than default to the same outfit, or at least accessorize it better. I wear an outfit just like the one you describe at least 2-3x week and I’ve been trying to wear statement necklaces with it to brighten it up. Last time I wore a cobalt blue cardigan with a red necklace with a cow on it (http://www.manictrout.com/jewelry_goybn001.htm) that I think punched up the outfit.
a.
That necklace is really fun!
s
White shirt under navy blue J. Crew wool dress, green belt, nylons, teal pumps, with a gray wool jacket from Banana Republic that is currently on the back of my chair. My grandmother’s gold ring and an opal necklace.
Katie
Navy blue hugo boss wide leg pants, bright pink cashmere v-neck sweater from Martin & Osa (I miss that store). Brown croc low naturalizer heels. Pink jcrew patent skinny belt. Chocolate brown pearls from Kanye’s etsy store (love, love, love). And the camel cardigan that perpetually lives in my office because — brrr, it’s cold. (started out in an amazing pink/navy/brown plaid blazer, but gave up on it 20 minutes into the day because it’s to small and I need to stop pretending that I’m a size 6 — I’ll fit into you confortably again someday, blazer!)
kmm
Hooded sweatshirt from the town my family used to own a cottage in, grey GAP ribbed tank, L.L. Bean pastel madras pjs, L.L. bean slippers, e-ring, and aquamarine studs. Also Anne Klein tortoise/blue glasses because I have PINKEYE. What self-respecting adult gets this? Home from work for two days and I have to throw out all my eye makeup.
a.
I got pinkeye in college because my skanky roommates were rushing, and one of the houses bestowed its germs on every girl who walked through its doors. And their unsuspecting roommates. Ugh.
kmm
Oh God, this would have been way worse in college. I’m pretty sure I picked it up from someone in court.
a.
Oh, PS. I shouldn’t have called my roommates skanky. I hate slut-shaming. It was a moment of thoughtless stupidity.
Totes McGotes
I got it once while waitressing on an otherwise dead day when a family came in with three kids. The medicine cost more than I made that day :( Plus I had to skip a week of work :)
kmm
Sucks on the $$$. How long did it take before your eye started clearing up?
Totes McGotes
Probably only about 2 days or so before I felt any difference (eye started to ungum/uncrust and felt less like it was about to fall out of my head), but that’s a lifetime when you can’t touch your eye or face and feel like a leper… as you well know. Hugs!
Charlotte
Ah, finally — a day we’re doing this when I actually feel like I’ve put in some effort! I’m wearing almost exclusively J Crew today, unintentionally. Navy turtleneck, navy canvas swing jacket with ruffled neck from a couple of years ago (Atelier, I believe), saturated greenish-blue skirt (suiting, Nightfall Blue?), navy tiny-fishnet-patterned tights, and then Bandolino navy patent-leather 3-in. pumps. Bold, three-strand pearl and glass necklace (from my mother from the ’80s), one-strand pearl necklace and small gold-colored earrings from Loft.
As much as I like to mix different brands, I often find myself subconsciously creating outfits, as above, that are almost exclusively one brand. Has anyone else experienced this phenomenon?
TechAnon
Yes. I often end up wearing items that I bought at the same time. It’s as if the first time I saw that skirt, I already had that sweater in my hand and they went into the dressing room together, so they are linked forever in my mind.
GRA
All the time! I often have to purposefully make an outfit using pieces that are not all from one brand.
mamabear
Charcoal skirt, charcoal cowl neck with a light-grey-flecked-with-black cascading cardigan that is secretly a sweatshirt (made from french terry – don’t tell anyone!) Grey tights, grey suede pumps with a peep toe (not sure how I feel about tights with a little peep toe, but it seems to be Done by Others.)
And this cute, baubly long necklace in silver, black, pearls and gray that my adorable 13 year old niece gave me for my birthday, from a store called Charming Charlie, because she thinks I’m fancy. :)
Anon Canadian
I’m wearing a heather charcoal gray wrap sweater, from Jacob; dusty purple button down blouse, from Reitmans; trouser jeans in mid-dark blue with subtle graphite stitching on the back pockets, from Old Navy; black leather almond toe boots with a 2.5 in stacked heel; and my red dress pin with crystals. My daily jewelry is all silver toned: citizen eco drive bracelet watch with swarovski crystals; diamond promise ring; crystal studs; and two delicate necklaces, one with a small oval shaped pendant engraved with my sorority letters and set with a small crystal.
I work in a fairly casual university administration office.
RR
An old Talbots dark gray wool suit (from the good ole days of quality and fit), with a slightly fraying seam on one of the wrists, but I wear it anyway because it is the most flattering suit I own. A light blue long sleeve T with an interesting neckline–also old Talbots. Pearl earrings, a silver J. Crew necklace with dangly circles, and Corso Como ankle boots that don’t really work with the suit but are comfy and warm.
There. I’ll help the natural selection of good-looking outfits by adding my slight mess of one. Hey, it’s a suit, and I’m sitting in my office doing doc review all day. :)
Ruthy Sue
I’m running an all-day training session for construction workers today, so I’m trying to manage comfort, not over-dressing for my clients, and professionalism. I’m wearing bright blue Rocket Dog flats, trouser jeans, AT loft blue floral shell, light blue cardigan, studs, and a black metal necklace in the outline of a rose (thrift store!).
JB
Dark tan pant suit, bright pink cowneck 3/4 sleeve sweater, black Calvin Kline pointed toe pumps, and a sapphire necklace. Pretty boring, but professional for my client meetings today!
Julie
Boring? I don’t own anything bright pink, or even sapphire. The forest green dress I’ve got on is one of the more colorful items in my wardrobe. Your outfit sounds fabulous, not dull.
NOLA
A very ladylike outfit for me:
black pencil skirt, brown tank, with a long black, brown and cream tweedy sweater jacket with a kind of portrait collar – 2 buttons buttoned at the top so the brown tank shows below. Black tights and black suede platform pumps with a studded bow (my gift to myself for surviving the DC trip with my family in December). Black diamond hoops and pendant.
fly-a-way
Purple/white/black tweedy suit by Tahari from Macy’s sale…pencil skirt and wrap style jacket…closes only on the left hip … really dramatic clean look for my hourglass shape. Wish in hindsight they made more colors! Black vneck talbot’s l/s sweater, hosiery, black w/purple grograin ribbon/bow pumps – JRenee at Nordies “Fame”. Actually lucked out into red and the blue combos at the local b&m JRenee. Sterling collar with ammonite pendant (blues and purples). Silver watch bracelet. Hoop earrings, rings.
I look SO corporette today, I couldn’t stop staring in the mirror in the ladies’ room. Gotta decide to wear this purple suit more often.
ANP
Relatively ladylike here as well. The Skirt in red, white button-down J. Crew blouse with sleeves rolled 3/4 of the way, diamond studs, big white-strap watch and red statement necklace. Black equestrian boots from Lands’ End Canvas.
Aurelie
Relationship advice thread jack-
My SO and I have been dating for 3.5 years and have been long distance for the last year. We both have successful careers, although mine is admittedly more financially rewarding. I am substantially more mature than he is, which was not as problematic when we were both in law school, but it has become more aggravating now that we are in the working world.
At this point in my life, now that all of my ducks are in a row, I am ready (and have been ready) to take the next step. He is not and has explicitly said that he will not be ready (either financially or emotionally) for a very long time. He has also said that the idea of having children terrifies him, and I know for certain that having children is very important to me.
I am now seriously considering ending the relationship. I love him deeply, but his opposition to commitment and having a family is beyond troubling. I don’t want to spend the next five years waiting to see if he comes around, but I also hate the idea of losing my best friend. I also worry that if I end the relationship, I will regret it.
Elysian
I think you need to talk to him about it. Tell him what you just told us – That you’re looking down the road and you’re trying to figure out how he fits into it. Is he looking down the road? Where does he see you in his future? If you both want to be together, consider the timeline – how far are you to the “next step” and is he even in the same ballpark?
If he doesn’t see you in his future, I think (personally) that that is all I would need to know.
If he does, and you can’t get on the same page about what you want in that future, then he might not be the best person to build the future with, but that’s something only you can decide. Can you reach a compromise? Or are you too far apart? Even if you love him, I think that if you want drastically different things then both of you will be unhappy waiting for the other to give you something they don’t want to give you. I, personally, think love isn’t all you need.
Anonymous
ITA. He can be a great guy, but if you’re not walking down the same path, then you’re going nowhere.
better off now
These questions are difficult, because everyone’s situation is unique.
I was in a similar situation about six years ago, and after an explicit conversation about our goals and where we wanted to be in five years, it became apparent that my boyfriend of 3 years did not share the same values, even though he was so wonderful/funny/kind/thoughtful to be around in the day-to-day. About a month after that, I broke it off.
Although today I am so very, very glad I did, there was a year or so where I probably regretted that 1/3 of the time. That sucked. To break up with someone and spent at least two nights a week wishing you hadn’t.
It took a few things: Finally, almost two years and many duds later, I met my now husband…and when you meet someone who does share your core values, it makes all those nights of regret so incredibly worth it. Second, my time alone did make me clarify what I wanted out of life in a way I couldn’t do with the emotional pull of a relationship. Finally, my boyfriend had been honest with me instead of giving me lip service – he followed through on the plan he had for his life, and while I’m happy for him, if I had stayed I would have spent each year becoming successively more desparate and frustrated at trying to change him to the life I wanted, and miserable in the life he’s created.
I think a lot of serious breakups are like this – never clean, but when you look back, you’re happier you did breakup than you didn’t with a person sending loud warning signals.
Are there specific, concrete steps he has for when he does want marriage/a family? There’s a real difference between “I want to be out of debt/move back to my hometown/get professional accomplishment Y under my belt before I buy a diamond ring/bring a person into the world” and “That is just sometime SOOOO far away and I’ll never have a way you can measure if that is 6 months or 9 years away, and what I really mean is never.”
What do your/his friends/family say?
KK
How old are you? How old is he? How long ago did you both finish law school and enter the working world? If he is say 26 or 27 and has just finished law school in the past year or so, I’d say there is a good chance he might come around a bit after a few years in the “real world.” Sometimes it is hard for people (male or female) to envision the next step until their peers start doing it.
BUT I do have concerns about you waiting around for a guy who says explicitly that he is not ready and won’t be for a very long time. If you have had the convo suggested by Elysian already and that is his answer, I do think you have to accept it. He is telling you the answer to your question, it’s just not the answer you want. If it is that important to you to get married and have a family in the next few years, I think you should end it and you should feel confident about that decision. Tell him that if he changes his mind, you’ll be happy to reconsider the relationship. In the meantime, you need to explore other options.
JessC
First – *BIG INTERNET HUGS*
Oh man, there is no nice way to say this – but get out and get out as soon as possible. It’s gonna hurt like H-E-double-hockey-sticks, but right now you’ve gotta look out for yourself and give yourself the opportunity to find a man who is willing to walk the same path as you. Think of your best, best girlfriend coming to you and telling you exactly what you wrote above. I bet you’d be telling her to get the heck out!
I say this as someone who’s been in virtually the same shoes as you (and boy, is it so much easier to give this advice to you then it was to hear it or implement for myself). The issues you’re touching on (commitment and child-rearing) are fundamental ones to any relationship. If you can’t agree on them now, what’s your relationhip going to be like in a few years? Maybe he’ll come around to your way of thinking – but maybe he won’t and you’ll be resentful of him and the time you’ve invested in the relationship. If, down the road, he does realize he screwed up (and don’t hold out any hope that he will) it’s on him to come back to you. You can’t just sit around and wait for him to change. Just because you love this man doesn’t mean you should marry him or invest more of your life in a relationship with him.
fortuna
From my experience, if he can’t move with you in a joint direction you need to walk solo. Give him the choice, but be ready to leave for yourself. It’s incredibly difficult, but for the best. I left my husband of many years because of similar reasons. He’s changed for the better because of it and I’m much happier. While I do miss my best friend, it ultimately it was the best decision. Wish you the best no matter your decision. **hugs**
Bridget
When I was a 2L, I ended a six-year relationship because the guy I was dating (while truly an awesome guy, by all accounts) was just not growing up fast enough. He was, at that point, the best friend I had ever had by far, and we had what I still believe was a powerful and important relationship. However, he couldn’t commit to one of us moving to be in the same place (we were long-distance while I was in law school) or to taking the next step to an engagement, which I thought was utterly ridiculous. He told me “I want to marry you, but not for 5 more years.” I broke up with him, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
As it turns out, he ended up getting married 5 years later to a different woman. I asked myself a few times after we broke up whether I should have just held out, because (I won’t lie) it was a really really rough decision for me, but I have no regrets. The truth is that his immature attitude toward me and our relationship destroyed my trust in him and there was no situation I could imagine in my head in which I could get that trust back. (And, I’m not kidding, as an exercise, I would imagine the conversations we would have to have before I could trust him again — what he would have to say to me — and realized there was nothing that would do it.) So, I moved on.
I’m now married to a man who never tried to pull that kind of immature crap, never made me feel like he didn’t want to commit to me whole-heartedly, never made excuses for why we couldn’t be together, and was on the same timeline for marriage and kids that I was. I think I probably love(d) both men equally when it comes to pure emotion, but I would *never* trade the kind of security/trust I feel with my husband for the relationship I used to have. I like myself so much better in this relationship, too. I didn’t deserve the second-guessing and self-consciousness my ex’s attitude caused me, and you don’t either!
Monday
I love this.
KK
This is a very good example and it made me think of something else: When people say “sometimes love isn’t enough,” this is what they mean. I think that it’s another byproduct of this fairytale princess/romantic comedy type myth that there is one true love for you and you are destined to be with that person. No. I don’t think so. You can love multiple people, even simultaneously. There are different kinds of love and different levels of it, but you can absolutely find love with lots of people. A long term partnership or marriage requires more than that. It requires similar goals, good communication, etc. You can have love without having those other things.
The upside to this is: you should absolutely not worry that you will not find love again.
Nonny
Agreed, on all counts. Well said.
Liana
Absolutely. And without those other things, usually love starts to die out.
Fiona
“I think I probably love(d) both men equally when it comes to pure emotion, but I would *never* trade the kind of security/trust I feel with my husband for the relationship I used to have. ”
I cannot THIS this enough. I never knew how important it was to have security/trust/maturity/”on the same page” until I actually found it in my current relationship. I’ve never thought about it the way PP stated it, but it’s true — you can love people equally on pure emotion, but that secure feeling will blow all previous relationships out of the water.
Anne-on
Such a good example, thank you for sharing this.
anon
This is a great story. I’m happy you didn’t hold out. Maybe you would have been the one marrying him less than five years later, but in my personal experience, saying “I don’t want to get married in less than X time” means “I don’t want to get married in less than X time (or ever) to you.” Same with any sentiments about kids. Sure, some people grow up slowly and really do need a few more years, but it’s never worth it to stick around to find out if this is the case, when you remind yourself that there are plenty of people you can have happy and fulfilling relationships with. The fastest 180s I’ve ever seen were from men who up until that point had not met the right partner for them and then all of a sudden did – and became fantastic husband and fathers.
Amy H.
Taxi light!
Bridget
“The fastest 180s I’ve ever seen were from men who up until that point had not met the right partner for them and then all of a sudden did – and became fantastic husband and fathers.”
Exactly! This has been my experience as well. Men will not drag their feet or make excuses once they are with the right woman.
phillygirlruns
he’s being honest with you about who he is. you don’t need to have a “good enough” reason to break things off – but the fact that you two are at such different places is a pretty good reason in and of itself.
i have never wanted children. they don’t terrify me – though they did at one time – it’s just not something that i want. when i was younger and the subject came up, i would tell people how i felt (essentially, “it’s just not for me”), and uniformly, the response was “oh, you’re young – you’ll come around; you’ll want kids when you’re older.” while this may be true for a lot of people, it was NOT true for me. i ended up breaking off a serious relationship with a really great guy because we were at different places in our lives, and because it was very important to him to have children. he would have been happy to wait around for me to “come around,” but i haven’t and won’t be “coming around.” it’s been about seven or eight years now since i broke things off. both of us are now happily married (to different people, of course); he has two kids, i have two dogs. at the time i was petrified to end our relationship, because things weren’t bad – they just weren’t right. it was clearly the best decision i could have made.
Seattleite
Even if he were on the same page WRT marriage and children, his immaturity in general would be a huge red flag. (Wanting marriage & kids =/= maturity.) You really, really want someone who is already all grown up.
Feeling like your H is another child you’re raising, reining in, and negotiating around are exhausting and a very good way to kill any love you had.
Aurelie
Thank you all for your thoughts. To answer some of your questions- we are both in our mid-twenties. We have spoken about the future on multiple occasions. He has always been honest about what he wants, which I appreciate. I suppose I stuck around because I just kept hoping he would change his mind. I have tried my best to be patient with him, but it is difficult when he won’t even commit to moving to the same city because he believes that means he has to agree to marry me too. That should tell me all I need to know, but it doesn’t make the decision any easier.
s
I’m sorry. I have come to think of these types of relationships as wearing seemingly perfect shoes, half a size off. I might be able to deal with it for a little while, because it’s such a great shoe, but it’s always going to be half a size off, and it’s not going to be great for very long. Given that I’ve bought a lot of nearly-perfect shoes, this probably speaks more to my shopping habits than anything else. :)
AT
I love love love this analogy, thank you for sharing it! I will definitely be using this in the future…
anon 2.0
Aww, I think you know what to do when you say his actions tell you what you need to know. Good luck
Anon Canadian
Everyone’s giving excellent advise but I thought I’d add my two cents anyway. I was in a similar situation with my SO.
We met when I was 12 and he was 14 and were best friends. I always had a huge crush on him and he developed one for me after I got a bit older and he didn’t look at me like a baby. When we started to “date” 6 yrs later it was a very conscious decision. Both sets of our parents have been together forever so we saw that successful relationships were pretty much just friendships with romantic and physical expressions of love (cheesy, I know).
We had a serious talk about what those two aspects would do to our friendship and what would happen to our friendship if it didn’t work out. We decided to chance it and everything was going great…… until about 3 yrs ago.
We realized that we weren’t on the same page regarding kids; he was ready but I wasn’t even close. I knew I wanted kids but didn’t want them until I was at least 30, he wanted to have his first by 30 at the latest. There was a whole list of things I wanted to do before having kids (I called it my basinet list) and I thought I couldn’t possibly be ready to have kids before everything on my list was checked off. I wanted to live in another country for a couple of months to a yr, be fluent in 3 languages besides English by the time I was 30, pay off all my debt, vacation every yr, own a home, etc. In the end we didn’t want to loose each other. We both saw the same wonderful future together, just our timelines were different, so we made a compromise. We took a realistic look at my list, I decided to be honest with myself (I wasn’t trying hard enough with the languages and other things) and trimmed some things off. He supported me in completing some and we decided others didn’t have to be done before we started our family. I got off the pill in late 2011, when we were 27 and 29. We couldn’t be happier with eachother or where we are in life and our relationship and I’m so glad we were able to meet in the middle. I honestly don’t know where I’d be if I’d stayed stubborn and let him go.
I think that’s what you two need to ask each other. Can you compromise to make your partner happy? Can you see a life without each other? If both of you can’t make the necessary steps then it’s time to move on and try and find some one who can.
Anonymous
I don’t think this is helpful – the reason I say this is I think it’s even kind of harmful to compare your situation to OP and give her false hope. This isn’t a guy who’s willing to commit to her but is unsure about kids — he won’t even move to the same city for fear of having to marry her. There is a WORLD of difference between the two. And I think, OP, you should leave him. He might be your best friend, but that he’s unwilling to commit to you, after 3.5 years, makes him a hugely inadequate and imperfect partner. I feel for you, and I’ve been there, but I think you know what you need to do — you deserve someone who’s not only willing but excited to commit to you.
A
I was in this position with the love of my life bff when we were graduating college. I insisted he commit to a time when we’d be in the same city (or near enough) and he was unwilling to. For me it was just impossible to imagine a future with someone who wouldn’t make plans for the future with me. We broke up, stayed in touch and eventually got back together. I really don’t think it would have worked out if we hadn’t broken up b/c when we got back together we were both ready to commit, make plans, take steps toward our future etc. Not saying it will work out that way for others but thought I’d share my experience.
k
is anyone else getting this “stack overflow at line: 0” message? I either have to click “okay” or X out about a million times before it goes away, and then the site is fine. It has happened before intermittenly, but seems to be happening every day this week. I’m getting aggravated.
CMJNYC
This happens on internet explorer all the time, unfortunately. Just hold down the enter key and it will eventually go away.
Anon
Same thing is happening for me. Extremely annoying.
Littlest Attorney
I’m having the same issue lately.
Anonymous
Yup – it’s almost annoying enough to not even bother with a quick status check.
a.k.
Yes, I am on IE and get it all the time. It seems to show up if I hit the main site, but if I click directly to an individual post from an RSS reader, I don’t get it. My guess is there’s something going on with an ad on the main site.
Elysian
Ladies –
I’ve been noticing as I get older that more and more of my male peers are obsessed with fantasy football (and other fantasy sports leagues). I feel like every conversation eventually comes around to it. There seems to be a never-ending amount of fantasy sports talk. I don’t care for fantasy sports at all, and although I’ve considered it I have no desire to participate in a league just so I can have “water cooler” chat with the men I work with (I think its such a waste of my time!). As much as I’ve tried to steer the conversation elsewhere, they refuse to talk about anything else. I’m feeling left out of most every social conversation when there are at least two males in the room. I’m law student now, but this happens at my internship, in school, at social networking events, and I feel like it could have a detrimental affect on my future career if I can’t manage to “click” with the men I work with.
Do you find fantasy sports talk common in your workplace? How do you deal with it? What (if any) topics have you found to be successful in redirecting the conversation?
Bluejay
Do you find fantasy sports talk common in your workplace?
No, not at all. I can’t recall ever hearing about it actually. Sports talk is very common, though, and we get a big office pool going every 4 years for the World Cup. But there are plenty of people who don’t take part.
Is your problem that you don’t like sports, or that you don’t like fantasy sports? I assume that if your coworkers are talking about it a lot, they’re in a league together and play against each other. But if you like sports, you could change the topic to actual sports instead of fantasy ones.
AnonInfinity
This is not a problem in my workplace. The law school and college crowd talked a lot about fantasy sports, but there’s just not that much time to devote to it as an attorney. The only conversations I’ve had with folks about fantasy sports are more along the lines of, “Man, I wish I had time to join a fantasy football league.”
Now, sports talk is very very common. I am in SEC country (where college football is a religion), so lots of conversations turn to college football. People who like talking about that stuff generally don’t like the conversation to be redirected, so I really think you either have to brush up on sports so you can join in (if you’re interested in doing that) or else politely listen or excuse yourself. There are lots of threads and comments sections about how to handle sports talk in the workplace.
Elysian
I don’t mind general sports talk – I watch games sometimes and can follow them, understand most plays, etc. Its more the “I just traded this guy and this happened, and I can’t believe this coach did this and now my team is ruined!” that I just don’t care for.
Good to know that boys might lose time for this kind of thing as time goes on :)
AnonInfinity
Ahhh… I’m virtually certain this will pass. Fantasy sports take up a lot of time if you’re really into it. There may be some people at your future office that will love it, but I don’t know any associates who have time to get really absorbed in it. It’s good that you generally keep up with sports, though, because that’s something that will never go away, as far as I can tell.
Elysian
Haha yeah, I’ve kind of submitted to general sports chat. It’s just bothersome when, for instance, I’m at a Super Bowl party and try to talk to people about the game that is going on, and all people will talk about – for 4 hours – is how the outcome of the game will change something about a draft pick that will somehow mess up their fantasy football league, or how someone stills owes them money for the league. So glad to hear this is likely to diminish. :)
KK
If you like football generally, have you ever tried fantasy? I say this because, as a woman who loves football, I thought my now-husband was crazy when he would talk about this fantasy stuff back when we first started dating. Then I tried it out for myself, and now I am completely addicted. I recruited my father and brother to play in this giant combined family league and it is so much fun. And it has honestly enhanced my enjoyment of the real game.
Anyways, I’m just saying, maybe next season you could try it out. And if they have a hard core serious league with major money at stake that you don’t want to get into, see if you can get into a fun league. Then you can participate in the form of asking them advice about this or that as a first time fantasy owner. If they see that you are genuinely interested, they might really like advising you about it and then you would be included in these conversations. I guess this is another way of saying: Don’t knock it til you try it.
And the season is over so this shouldn’t come up again until August (or maybe a little in April around the draft).
Godzilla
Yes, it’s very common at my workplace. Shrug. You’ll find out that men have different facets to their personalities and even the sports-crazy guys will occasionally converse on different topics (see: traffic, their kids, food). The more you spend time with your coworkers, the more easily you’ll be able to relate to them.
Seattleite
Fantasy sports league = Gossip Girl for the XY set.
zora
ha! +100 LL points
Anon
I need some accessorizing/outfit advice. I recently got this Boden tunic in red and pink on sale. It is super cute, but unfortunately I don’t have a clue what to wear it with and could use some Corporette input!
http://www.bodenusa.com/en-US/Clearance/Womens-Tunics-Kaftans/WL624/Womens-Colourblock-Tunic.html
I initially paired it with black tights and boots, but the black seemed a little . . . harsh next to the bright colors. Any thoughts? Should I wear it with boots, tights, pumps or just plain?
TCFKAG
I think that would look really cute with nude pumps and just with no hose or nude hose. I do agree that plain black hose might be a bit harsh, so if you’re going to wear boots, maybe no black hose?
I’d also play around with some flats because I think that dress would look cute with contrasting flats! :-)
a.
I like! If black it too harsh for your taste, I’d try charcoal or navy tights, with brown boots.
GRA
I don’t know about for the work week, but for the weekend I would wear it with dark skinny jeans and brown riding boots. It’s cute!!!
hellskitchen
I love the color combo – was just reading somewhere about pairing red and pink and I can now see that it looks great. I think you are right that black will be too harsh. I think a deep gray would look much better – still a neutral but softened. Especially if it has a bit of a self texture. You could do gray tights and perhaps gray suede boots. You could also do a grayish brown or even chocolate since the latter looks great with both red and pink.
Kady
You could go totally 60s with a pair of flats.
I agree w/ grey and brown for tights. I also like the way that boden styled it, with a pop of turquoise. So cute, wish I had seen this tunic before!
ADL
I have this in the blue and in the purple. I wear mine with black tights and black shoes. I’m petite so it’s a dress on me and I don’t need bottoms.
As for accessories, I wear some type of chunky necklace, usually the one that is grey stone and pearl from Stella and Dot (will post link in the next comment).
ADL
Here’s the necklace: http://shop.stelladot.com/style/b2c_en_us/shop/necklaces/statements/n230.html
No I don’t work for Stella and Dot, I just love their jewelry.
fortuna
I got a phone interview for a (legal) fellowship! Normally I’m not nervous, but the economy is so bad I haven’t had much in the way of an interview in a while so I’m super nervous. I’m a good fit for the position and would love to work for them. Email says it’s a fifteen minute interview. Any suggestions on things to keep in mind? Say? Not to say? Trying to prepare but not freak out. *bites nails*
Moonstone
I was in the same boat last week. The best advice I got was from that Ask a Manager blog that Corporettes often recommend. If you go to her site, and look on the right-hand column, you can click on “phone interview” and it will connect you to her latest piece on this topic, which ran in US News in February. It’s full of practical tips. And good luck!
An
Get thee to a land line in a quiet place. I used law school career services rooms. Practice beforehand. I actually practiced with my parents over the phone to get used to a phone interview. Also have your resume, writing sample etc. in front of you in case they ask you about something specific. Good luck!
MJ
Do a mock phone interview with a friend first too. She can tell you if your pauses are awkward and whatnot or if you’re a heavy breather. And look up phone interview posts on Corporette–there have been a few over the years.
Cait
Good luck! Get comfortable talking about the things you put on your resume/cover letter. Think of some projects you’ve done or experiences you’ve had that can show your abilities and strengths. Don’t wear one blue-polished finger nail!
Cait
Sorry this was in reply to Fortuna’s question about interviews.
Godzilla
Ha, my left hand is painted with a royal metallic purple and my right hand is painted with chipped metallic turquoise. The joys of working at a place long enough not to give a $hit =).
a.
Godzilla, you can’t come here anymore. How DARE you admit to wearing such UNPROFESSIONAL nail polish. And then act like it’s OKAY and doesn’t COMPLETELY INVALIDATE YOUR WORTH AS A PERSON AND ANY CONTRIBUTIONS YOU MAY MAKE AT YOUR WORKPLACE. I bet you have not one but TWO hairbands around your wrist! For shame!
(that was sarcastic in case that wasn’t blazingly obvious. apparently my mind still boggles at this.)
TCFKAG
Just don’t admit to liking french manicures. People will call you a harlot and you’ll be banished. :-P
Nonny
Maybe I am just way too tired, but I am sitting here, completely cracking up. a. and TCFKAG, you have made my morning.
Godzilla
But…but…I’m wearing navy! Surely that adds some respectability!
a.
Or having clothes with cut-outs! As baring such enticing body parts as the upper arm makes one a p r o s t i t u t e.
Seriously guys, I heart Corporette, and am saying this from a place of complete affection and love…but I need moments like this to remind myself that not everyone on it is actually insane.
LMo
Dying at “TWO hairbands around your wrist!” Hilarious.
Anon for today
Whoa. Jump back. On this site, people ask for opinions and other people give them. Just because you don’t like them doesn’t mean you should attack them.
Obviously, in a perfect world, no one would ever be judged in any way for anything superficial. We don’t live there.
TCFKAG
Okay…if the caps lock didn’t appropriately communicate such, I think a. was joking. Or at least exaggerating for effect.
Anon for today
The sarcasm was understood, but it doesn’t change the underlying attack.
TCFKAG
I can’t speak for a., but I actually DO appreciate the input even from people who are a bit harsh. But in a world where its stressful and scary and where job-hunting is a constant blow to your ego, well, sometimes its nice to blow off a little steam.
BUT, I promise, next time I walk into an interview, all my nails will be the same color (probably clear) and I won’t have a hair elastic on my wrist. So — I do appreciate it. But I reserve the right to be snarky…without snarkiness…where would I be in this world? I mean, its my primary form of communication!
a.
I’m not saying I think no one is ever going to be judged for something superficial, or that I have not, myself, passed judgment on people based on their appearance. (Not proud of it, but let’s be real here.) I obviously believe dressing oneself in an appropriate, professional manner is important, or I wouldn’t read this blog.
I am occasionally moved to caps-locked mock umbrage, however, by the degree to which some people, both here and in real life, take this. The biggest thing, FWIW, that irks me about Corporette is how so many commenters seem to equate a person’s worth with her nail polish, or her shiny red plastic boots, or, IDK, whether she’s wearing peep toes or if the vent in the back of her skirt is an inch too high.
Anon for today
I think this is a really good conversation to be having – thanks for the responses to my comment. I just think this should be a safe place to voice opinions, but maybe that is too Pollyanna-ish of me. And FWIW, I don’t think that an opinion that something is “unprofessional” looking goes to a person’s actual worth. :)
Jas
Don’t you know that tiny aspects of your appearance correlate 100% to your skills and abilities at work??!! If you don’t have perfect nailpolish, you obviously cannot complete a task without it falling to pieces! PERFECT NAILPOLISH IS ALL THAT IS HOLDING THIS WORLD TOGETHER!!! Chipped nailpolish = chipped SOUL
Cait
I’m really glad you guys are here. Just sayin’.
Godzilla
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “Chipped nailpolish = chipped SOUL” I LOVE YOUR MATH.
a.
That is the only kind of math I understand. Love it.
DA
Not having a job is making me crazy! Between the constant rejection, waiting for responses, worry about money, plus the well-intended comments of friends and family, I am becoming increasingly cranky and un-fun… and I hate it!
Has anyone dealt with this before? I don’t want to turn into a cranky, hyper-critical Debbie Downer, but its creeping up on me more and more the longer my search extends! HELP!
TCFKAG
No great insights…but I know how it feels. I had a class-1 nuclear melt down in my kitchen on Saturday because I realized I probably hadn’t gotten a job I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago (note…who knows, I haven’t even been rejected yet). Its so, so hard.
Its also hard because so many of the “fun” things to do in the world cost money, which is hard when you don’t have money coming in. One thing I try to tell close family and friends is, when they ask about any jobs, “I promise I will tell you as soon as I hear about any job” so that they won’t ask. I also think finding an extracurricular might help (not related to networking) — I started mentoring a teenage girl and it really helps, she doesn’t care about my job search and isn’t going to ever ask about it. So that’s nice.
Ashley
I was there, and I was miserable. One thing that helped was to pick up my other hobbies. I love musicals and scrapbooking, so I was doing back-to-back shows and crafts like a crazy lady (good, since I don’t have time for either now that I’m employed). I also took some freelance jobs, so is that an option just to keep your skills/mind engaged? There’s a post on The Daily Muse about this very topic: http://www dot thedailymuse dot com/job-search/4-ways-to-defeat-job-search-desperation/ (posting modified link to avoid moderation)
fortuna
I’m having the same problem. Temp work helps some, but, yeah. This sucks.
a passion for fashion
when i was jobless (admittedly, only for 3 months) between my clerkship and finding my first job after that I became a willing “stepford wife.” (what my husband and I jokingly refer to this period as). I got up every day and worked out, made sure the house was clean, took on any house project that needed to be done, then had some “me” time — took a long walk, maybe explored a new area of the city, etc. Then I cooked a fancy dinner and had some new drink concoction waiting for my husband when he got home from work.
Now, I like to cook and coming up with a drink was fun for me, but doing all of this stuff gave me direction while i was not working and made me enjoy the time. I’m not suggesting you have to do the same thing, but find some sort of schedule for yourself and try to stick to it. And if it makes sense, include an hour or two (or more) of job hunting at least a few days a week. This allows you to not fall into a rut, while also allowing yourself to enjoy the time off. You will find a job eventually and you will miss the time you had to do things you like.
Sconnie
Same boat. It sucks. I’m volunteering with some really fantastic attorneys, which helps and is great experience and networking and all that. But it’s not paid and I’m not a true employee. It’s hard not to feel total failure and worry that it will never happen for me and I’ll never get to be a real-life practicing attorney paid for my work…yeah, that can get pretty dark pretty quickly. Well meaning questions about how the job search is going have a tendency to set off meltdowns.
On the bright side, I get to workout a lot and watch lots of random tv and movies on Netflix. So I got that going for me, which is nice.
LB
I was unemployed for a solid year after law school excepting very occasional temp work. Between job searching and typing things for people for money, I ended up mooching off my parents and working for free in a volunteer position just to gain some usable experience. If I hadn’t had the volunteer gig, I think I would have gone absolutely crazy.
Hang in there. It’s rough. :<
Ruby
Yes have been there. Was terrible for months, couldn’t get out of negative mindset. I think it’s okay to admit that to yourself, remembering that ‘this too shall pass’ and you will work again. Everyone handles it differently but for many- it becomes hard to do little stuff like dishes because you feel so demotivated. Just do what you can and it’s okay to have a crappy phase- most of us do at some point.
Anonymous
Oh, I just started therapy over this. Debbie Downer isn’t the least of it. I’m having anxiety attacks and sit on the subway and cry on my way to my part-time job that doesn’t begin to cover my student loans.
When it gets to be too much, get help.
And tell anyone who hasn’t looked for a job in the past two years that they have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Because they really don’t. In fact, suggest they spend the weekend sitting with you and applying online for jobs. That’s a real eye-opener for those who haven’t done so before and think you can just CALL people.
It sucks out there and it’s not your fault. Just keep saying that.
DA
Thanks for the support. I am glad I am not the only one who has felt like this.
Just learned that there were 500 applications for a job I am interested in (where they only have one slot). Every place I interview with now has a 3 round interview process, too.
Not sure that I will ever get a real job again, my experience doesn’t apply to other law related fields and I have zero interest (but lots of anxiety) in hanging out my own shingle.
Sometimes, I just need to stand up
Anyone out there have a sit-to-stand desk? One of the partners has this amazing one, but it was custom made and I don’t think the firm is willing to let me spend the dough on that. My current desk is about 72″ by 33″ – I love it, but it doesn’t move with me when I need to stand up. Any recommendations for brands or stores would be much appreciated.
s
I don’t use mine as much anymore–mostly because I am writing more now and haven’t figured out the ideal placement for my keyboard and monitor and notes. I love it still for reading and highlighting. When I set it up, I relied on lifehacker and Gina Trapani ( e.g., http://smarterware.org/7102/how-and-why-i-switched-to-a-standing-desk ).
Sometimes, I just need to stand up
I am familiar with the DIY hacks (and am thinking of one of these for home) – thanks, though!
Amelia Pond
How nice/fancy do want the desk to be? Because there are several DIY options on the interwebs to make your own. I gerry-rigged my desk using a wooden box (that doubles as a foot rest). So when I want to stand up, out comes the box which goes on top of my desk and I set my monitor and keyboard and all on top. It is not as nice as a pre-made set but that is an option.
Diana Barry
Yes – I have a geek desk (it is geek desk dot com). AWESOME. I think it was about 700 or so – firm paid for it. I highly recommend it!
Sometimes, I just need to stand up
This is EXACTLY what I want – and half the price of what I found with some loose googling. Thank you!
cubicle anon
Just a vent…I work in a cubicle with offices all around me. People talk loudly on the phone in their offices without shutting the door, or outside someone’s office while waiting for a meeting, or just stopping by to catch up for 15-20 minutes. It’s distracting when I’m trying to focus on something, and it’s even worse when I am trying to transition from small task for client 1 to small task for client 2 without getting distracted. Gah.
TCFKAG
YES! I’m a cubicle denizen right now, how hard is it to remember to stand up and close your office door????? I’ve now been at my temp job long enough that I feel comfortable getting up and closing the doors of the attorney’s offices near me if they’re having a particularly animated conversation (we get along). I also wear headphones when I really need to focus and don’t feel bad about it. But it drives me fracking nuts.
zora
i share a small office with 3 other people. One word: Headphones. I listen to classical, esp Mozart, when I have to focus, and it really helps me concentrate, plus I have convinced myself it makes me smarter. ;o)
cubicle anon
Good thought, but doesn’t help when I have a conference call. Hard to hold phone, stick finger in other ear, and take notes at the same time. I would have to get new headphones, too…I don’t think I could stand having noise-isolating earbuds stuck in my ears for long periods of time.
LB
Can you get a squishy earplug just for those times when you have to be on the phone? I haven’t quite reached that point yet mostly because people in the office are reasonably considerate about the noise levels when I am obviously on the phone (but our office is pretty small, too).
zora
oy, that is a pain. We are pretty good about noticing when our office mates are on the phone and telling other people to keep their voices down. Staying focused in my shared office is hard enough, but i think my ADD brain would just completely short-circuit if I had to deal with loud people in a cubicle. Sorry I don’t have any better advice. :o(
Ruby
agree, it is super annoying. i always had an office til i came to Big Company and now am a cube dweller. the noise is so annoying. but in terms of picking your battles, it just isn’t going to change at my company so i don’t sweat it. most days.
LB
I have gone from having an office to having a cubicle in some shuffling that gone done around here picking up new (more experienced) lawyers. Bleh! At least I can use my headphones when I’m not actually on the phone.
Cait
Tiny rant — partner asked me to find and summarize cases on X topic, and then when I did so and sent them he replied “oh thanks, but I already found all these, did you find any new ones?” Ugh. If only I’d known not to spend hours reading cases he already knew about!
a.
I hate it when bosses do that. No cases for me, obviously, but my boss pulled a similar stunt with a presentation last year. Thanks for wasting a day of my time…
karenpadi
Hmmm, as someone who gives out these types of projects to newbies. If you are a newbie, it might have been a task to determine if or make sure that you are sufficiently knowledgeable about X topic. It might be to “prime the pump” to give you a future project related to topic X.
After a few years of practicing, I know most of the cases in my area that are more than a year old. I rely on my clerks doing these types of projects to keep me up to date on various topics. If there is no activity, I want to know that too.
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